#saturnus heterodyne

[bigasswritingmagnet]

Helpful, in a Heterodyne Sort of Way (ch3/3)

Summary: Klaus arrives in Mechanicsburg to retrieve his son, who he believes has been kidnapped by the Heterodyne. (And Gil has. Just not by the Heterodyne Klaus thinks.) Saturnus (doting grandfather and old school Heterodyne to the core) is determined not to let Klaus ruin his granddaughter's date.

AO3 Link

In deference to the fact that Mechanicsburg was an independent city state and not part of the Empire, Klaus kept Castle Wulfenbach at the traditional two leagues.

Because his son had been kidnapped by the Heterodyne, he landed one of the smaller dirigibles directly outside the front gate and walked right in.

Klaus moved through the streets of Mechanicsburg like the one-man army he was. Tourists and citizens and even Jӓgers scattered before him, but Klaus didn’t notice. He was drowning in his own thoughts, struggling to keep his expression under control, to display anger but not…

He had not felt fear like this since the day Gil was born, when the midwife stood before him and Zantabraxus, two small bundles in her arms, and asked them which one to keep.

He had not felt so angry at another person since the day he came home to a shattered castle and learned that the world had been torn to pieces in his absence.

He had not felt so angry at himself since the day he woke up in Skifander, sprawled out before a long-dead queen’s gate.

To be made a fool again. 

The youngest ever Lady of Mechanicsburg had looked up at him and told him, with such sincerity, that she wanted peace. She didn’t want to be an adventurer, but she didn’t want to run around terrorizing people either. And she’d seemed so sincere, and Klaus had thought that Teodora could do as good a job with a girl as with two boys, and Saturnus had looked so resigned—annoyed, but not resentful—that Klaus had believed her.

He'd believed her.

Klaus reached the foot of the great hill and began to climb towards the looming bulk of Castle Heterodyne.

When Teodora died, the world had tensed. A teenaged Heterodyne on the throne, with no voice of sanity to balance out the counsel of Saturnus Heterodyne? Surely, that would be it. Now the peace would end, now would come the fire and the terror and the war.

It had not come. Lady Heterodyne had shut the city down for a week of mourning and declared all seven St Teodora’s Days (none of the Popes had bothered to coordinate with each other) official holidays of Mechanicsburg. And that was it. And everyone had thought—well, that’s that then!—and relaxed.

Oh, Klaus kept an eye on her, watching for warning signs. But he had been braced—the world had been braced—for a Heterodyne. For armies of monsters, for death and destruction. For a return to the days of old.

Not even he had been braced for a Mongfish.

And she took his son. His son! It was too precise to be a coincidence. Even if Gil wasn’t the only young man spirited away to Mechanicsburg, for Gil to be chosen despite all the dangers it held, despite the retribution she had to know Klaus would bring down on her…

It was all too easy to imagine Lady Heterodyne smiling Lucrezia’s smile and saying ‘you know what would be funny?’

Saturnus was waiting for Klaus at the top of the hill with a giant, shameless grin, lounging back in his chair as if he had simply stepped out to enjoy the sunshine.

“Klaus!” he cried, cheerfully. “Welcome, welcome! So kind of you to drop by.”

Klaus strode forward until he stood directly in front of Saturnus, drowning the man in his shadow.

“Where is my son.”

“You’re looking well! Fantastic coat, by the way. You should really give Agatha some tips. She can do stunning, but bombastic intimidation is a mite out of her reach—”

“Saturnus.”

“Hmm?”

“Where. Is. My. Son.”

All manner of Sparks and noble families had quailed beneath that glare, had immediately rolled over and surrendered just to get Klaus to stop looking at them like that.

But Saturnus was a Heterodyne, and the ability to be intimidated had been bred out of them long ago—if they’d ever had it to begin with. His grin simply widened.

“Having dinner with Agatha.”

Klaus’ eyebrows shot up, and Saturnus tutted, shaking his head.

“No need for that look, Klaus, get your mind out of the gutter. All propriety has been observed. This is a civilized introductory dinner between two youths of genteel breeding.”

For a brief moment, Klaus forgot his anger and fear in the face of sheer amazement that Saturnus could refer to the Heterodyne family as genteel with a straight face.

“He’s fine,” Saturnus said, still with infuriating good humor. “He seemed quite taken with Agatha, to be honest—”

Bile rose in Klaus’ throat. No. Gil was intelligent, he was sensible—sometimes, about some things, surely about this—he would never fall for a woman after she had imprisoned him against his will.

But the words history repeats itself pounded in his skull like the Doom Bell, and Klaus found himself striding past Saturnus without another word.

Saturnus didn’t try to stop him, and neither did the castle, which should have been his first warning. He threw open the doors, strode into the main hall of the castle—did not stride into the main hall.

He was in a small, comfortable sitting room, with a crackling fire and a few soft armchairs, walls lined with shelves crammed full of books that were probably all banned in multiple countries. Overhead he heard a distinctly mechanical sniggering.

Behind him came the distinctive tapping sound of Saturnus’ chair, and the ominous groan and boom of the main doors closing—faintly, as if in the distance.

Klaus whirled around, and Saturnus smiled at him from in front of a perfectly ordinary sized door, not nearly large enough to be the main doors. Klaus shoved the man aside and wrenched the door open. It let him out onto a long hallway, one side of which had large windows overlooking an inner courtyard.

“Gilgamesh!” Klaus roared, but of course he got no answer.

It was a nightmare. The nightmare, throwing open door after door, down hallways and stairwells that never seemed to end, streets that went nowhere or doubled back on themselves; hearing Gilgamesh wailing in the distance but unable to tell which direction it was coming from; his wife calling after him she is the heir, this is how it must be; green-haired guards without faces grabbing him with hands like stone; and Klaus half-fell through another door and was once again in the small sitting room where Saturnus was waiting for him.

Smiling.

“Come on, do you really think you’d be able to track him down in this castle all by yourse—”

Klaus lunged. Before even the castle could move, he was across the room with his hand closing around Saturnus’ throat, hauling him up out of his chair, his dead legs dangling uselessly.

“You will release my son,” Klaus ground out through his bared teeth, rage and fear feeding each other into greater and greater heights. “You will release him to me now, or I will finish what the Other started and burn your family and this town until there is nothing left but ashes.”

Dust trickled down onto Klaus’ shoulders. He raised his eyes and saw the stone block hovering overhead. Waiting. Klaus lowered his gaze and met Saturnus’ eyes, which were no longer looking quite so amused.

“I will take you with me,” Klaus said, his grip tightening.

“Right,” Saturnus said, voice slightly strangled because Klaus was strangling him slightly. “How about you put me down, and the castle doesn’t crush you, and we start this conversation over like civilized gentlemen.”

“You have never been civilized in your life.”

“Neither have you. But we are both good at pretending, when we need to.”

Klaus’ heartbeat began to return to normal, and the fog of mindless terror to diminish enough that he could think clearly. Sort of clearly, anyway. At least enough so he could realize that killing Saturnus, while immensely satisfying in the moment, would not help Gil.

Gently, Klaus lowered Saturnus back down onto his chair, which shuffled itself into position so Saturnus did not need to readjust himself.

Saturnus backed the chair away a little, rubbing his throat, and gave Klaus a wry smile.

“To answer your question, as I said, Gilgamesh is having dinner with Agatha. He is safe and sound, physically and—as far as I can tell—psychologically. And for the record, he’s here of his own free will. Now, anyway.”

“Do not lie to me!” Klaus snarled, temper flaring again, ignoring the threatening grind of stone-on-stone overhead. “He was seen with a woman matching the description of Lady Jenka of Mechanicsburg. Lady Jenka, who was then abruptly and urgently recalled to Mechanicsburg, leaving with a large wooden crate—”  

“No,” Saturnus said, sarcastically, clearly unable to stop himself. “A woman traveling with large pieces of luggage, is there no end to Mechanicsburg’s depravities.”

“It had airholes in it!”

“Yes, yes, yes, I’m not saying I didn’t kidnap him, I own up to that—and for the record I did it gently, not so much as a bonk on the head. Jenka used a very mild soporific; he just took a nap and woke up here. I’m saying that Agatha was all set to let him go, and he said he’d like to stay for dinner.”

Klaus snorted derisively. 

“Do you seriously expect me to believe Lady Heterodyne went through all the trouble of having him kidnapped and brought here, only to let him go? Short of some plan to lure him in with reverse psychology, I refuse to believe—”

“I kidnapped him,” Saturnus interrupted, disgruntled. “Who said anything about Agatha–” Saturnus stopped, eyes going wide, pieces falling together. “Red fire, no wonder you’re in a state.”

“I am ‘in a state’ because you kidnapped my son.”

This time, Saturnus’ smile was bitter and humorless.

“But would you be in as much of a state if you didn’t so intimately know Lucrezia Mongfish for what she was?”

Klaus did not answer. His first instinct was to say yes, but…well. The thought of Gilgamesh hanging over a vat of acid while a Heterodyne cackled maniacally by the knife switch did invoke less terror than the thought of him alone in a room with Lucrezia.

“She’s not her mother, Klaus. She may look like her, but it’s no deeper than that. She’s a Heterodyne through and through. Not my brand of Heterodyne, more’s the pity, but she is still a Heterodyne. We don’t do subtle.”

“You don’t consider a quiet kidnapping to be subtle?”

“And how long did it take those shadow men of yours to figure out who took him and where? Probably before Jenka even left the dock.”

“Hardly,” Klaus said. “They wouldn’t have let her leave, if they had.”

But the man was making a fair point. Lucrezia didn’t kidnap her men—she simply wove a web and let them walk in of their own free will. She’d even let them think it was their idea.  

“I swear to you, Agatha was about ready to bite my head off when I told her.” He rubbed his chin. “Might not have been quite as mad at me if I hadn’t waited to tell her til after he was tied to the chair and dinner was ready to serve. She really was going to let him leave, and he very much insisted on staying.” 

“That would be an extremely foolish thing for him to do.”

Saturnus snorted, amused.

“Right, because love never made any man act a fool.”  

“Don’t be ridiculous. He’s never even met her before.”

“No,” Saturnus agreed. “But I’ll tell you now—the way he looked at Agatha when he first saw her? That’s how I looked at Teodora, and love made me enough of a fool that I didn’t realize she’d ruined my sons until it was too late. Huh! And now, between her and Agatha, I’m practically domesticated. Didn’t even consider invading Paris to get at him!”

“I would say it far more likely because you knew the Lady Heterodyne wouldn’t like it.”

“Yes. I would not burn down the world for her, Klaus.”

He said it with such determination, such seriousness, that at first Klaus couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be a joke.

Then he remembered who he was talking to.

“That’s…very touching,” Klaus said, and mostly meant it. Then, abruptly realizing he’d been sidetracked, drew himself up. Very firmly, he said “Willing or not, I will take my son home.”

“No,” Saturnus said, just as firmly. “Or rather, not yet. He’s the first one she’s really liked that I’m sure can keep up with her. I’ll admit, I’ve gotten a little desperate—you wouldn’t believe the kind of young men who have come swanning in, looking for her favor.”

Klaus noted that Saturnus had not said "and out".

A sudden change came over Saturnus. He sat up straighter in his chair. He met Klaus’ gaze with eyes that burned with a fire that rivaled the depths of hell. When he spoke, his voice was solid steel, and for a moment Klaus could see Lord Saturnus as had been of old, the terror of Europa.

“But I truly believe he could make her happy, and if ensuring her happiness means bringing the wrath of the most dangerous man in Europa down on my head, so be it.”

Klaus considered this. On the one hand, he only had Saturnus’ word for any of this. On the other, it was hard to imagine Saturnus would be hiding the fact that his graddaughter was returning to family form, instead of gloating from the rooftops.

And, Klaus was forced to admit, it would be out of character. If she was responsible, it would be the first act of old-school Heterodyning from Lady Agatha—

Klaus remembered Duke Leffert’s attempted invasion the previous spring, and the mountain on the far side of the Heterodyne Valley that now had a big hole in the middle, and corrected himself. This would be the first unprovoked act committed by Lady Agatha in the nearly ten years she had ruled Mechanicsburg.  

“Very well,” Klaus said, stiffly. “But I am not leaving without him.”

“You can have him back as soon as they finish dessert,” Saturnus promised, grinning again. “Now come on, let me pour you a drink. You could use one.”  

‘Per my lady’s standing instructions, I am reminding you of the doctor’s orders,’ the castle said.

“Duly ignored,” Saturnus said cheerfully, moving his chair towards a laden drinks cart.

"You know, Wulfenbach, I didn't think much of you in the old days. But I'm glad to see you've gotten all that heroing out of your system and settled down to build a good old fashioned evil empire. And you’re doing a marvelous job! "

Klaus was very glad Saturnus' back was turned to him. 

“Yes, it does my heart good to see someone keeping the old ways.” 

Klaus managed to get his expression under control just in time as Saturnus turned around. Saturnus held out a crystal cut glass half filled with a dark purple liquid. Klaus did not hesitate to take the glass from Saturnus, or to drink from it, which pleased the old man greatly.

"Ha! Not an ounce of fear in you, eh?"

"I've made myself immune to most poisons,” said Klaus, looking down at the drink in puzzlement. “Especially the rare ones. " He sipped the drink again, and mentally weighed how much he wanted to know what the flavor was against how much he did not want to know what was made of.

"See! You know what you're doing! I'm not at all surprised by your choice of son.”

Klaus looked up, dragging his attention from the drink, which was reflecting the light in a very strange way.

“My choice?” he repeated.

"Heh. Perhaps I've said too much. No good giving you a reason to assassinate me, eh?"

Klaus did not particularly like the sound of that.

“Let’s just say, I’d be careful of those Sturmvarous people. That boy knows some things about Gil you might not want to get out.”

Klaus made a mental note to burn Sturmhalten to the ground as soon as he and Gil left.

Saturnus chuckled.

“Look at that face! Would you believe Agatha thinks you’re still good? I think it’s just because you used to run with her father and her uncle. People change, I tell her! If she’d seen you just now, oh, I’d like to see her try and call you good after that little display.” He wagged a playful finger at Klaus. “Don’t think I missed that subtle little dig about my grandson, either! A man after my own heart.” 

Never before had such warm approval caused Klaus so much shame.

“It was over the line,” Klaus admitted.

“Oh it was!” Saturnus said, with evident enjoyment. “And I’ll bet you’re teaching Gilgamesh all you know, eh? Nature and nurture! He’ll make a fine overlord.”

Klaus kept his face neutral, even when Saturnus winked at him. Only when Saturnus took a drink did Klaus allow himself to grimace.

‘Lord Saturnus, the lady is–’

Klaus was suddenly aware of pounding footsteps and shouting. The door burst open, Klaus tensed, and the Lady Heterodyne came tumbling in. Right on her heels was–

“Gilgamesh!”

The wave of relief could have brought Klaus to his knees. Gil was unharmed, though his clothes were slightly rumpled. His eyes were shining and slightly manic, but no more than was usual for Gil under the influence of the Spark. 

“Father!” he said, startled, but not displeased. “What are you doing he–?”

“Grandfather!” Lady Heterodyne interrupted. She grabbed the arm of Saturnus’ chair. “The blue orb things in the grey hallway, are they lamps or lightning generators?”

“Lamps-”

Agatha whirled around and jabbed a finger at Gil. 

“Ha!” 

“--that generate lightning.”

“Ah-HA!” Gil exclaimed. 

“Still primarily a lamp!” She swung back around to Saturnus. “I need them. Castle! I want the electrical laboratory prepped! I need you to reroute the extra power to the salamanders, and if you can’t, find a place to dump it that won’t kill all the fish–” 

“Father!” Gil said. “Did you bring the castle? Can you bring me my lightning generator–”

“—lamp!—and tell Van to have the river blocked off for the next few days just in case—”  

“Oh! And can you bring my weather enhancer, my weather dehancer, and my electromagnetic–” 

“There's no time!” Agatha cried. “The storm will be here in half an hour!” 

“You know what, nevermind, I'll just build new ones. Let's go!”

Gil and Agatha took off, leaving the door hanging open.

Klaus stared at the open door, listening to their excited shouting fade as they ran down the hall. He shut his eyes, knowing, knowing without even needing to look, that Saturnus was smirking triumphantly. In the distance, Gil laughed.

He sounded…very happy.

“So! Solstice at your place this year?” Saturnus asked, somehow managing to gloat a question. 

Klaus downed the rest of his drink in one swallow. 

-

“You know,” Gil said, in the dirigible on the way to Castle Wulfenbach, “it’s the funniest thing—Saturnus thinks I’m adopted.”

Klaus’ brow furrowed.

“He told you this?”

“It’s why he kidnapped me in the first place. Apparently, he overheard Tarvek Sturmvoraus saying my real father is Petrus Teuful. I don’t even know where Tarvek got that idea in the first place.”

Klaus, keeping his face perfectly neutral, mentally crossed destroy Sturmhalten off his To Do list.

“I can’t imagine,” he said.

#girl genius #klaus wulfenbach #saturnus heterodyne #gil/agatha #gilgamesh wulfenbach #agatha heterodyne #doting grandfather saturnus au

[lizasweetling]

unless Wyrmhaut is a particularly young professor she should be roughly the same generation as The Boys, and so her Uncle is probably mid to late contemporary of Saturnus Heterodyne?

bridenapping and letting in enemy armies to get a better look at their technology probably does qualify for 'Chaotically Neutral' if you frame it a little loosely...

edit: if you noticed I posted the wrong image- no you didn't ('¬‿¬)

#girl genius #page react #competitive recall knowledge skills between the bard and... Franz #hm. Franz' DND class is kind of hard to pin down... something high Int and high Wis because he keeps making good points #I guess his class is 'dragon' ????

[tamlins-stories-and-poems]

Considering… certain Heterodyne names, the fact that Bill’s name is William (I’m pretty sure that’s canonical but I don’t remember when that’s stated) is pretty off center. His mother definitely named him.

But.

I don’t remember if we’ve ever confirmed Barry’s full given name. And we can’t exactly confirm that his mother did or didn’t name him, so here is a short list of potential names my mom, brother (@starburstdragon) and I came up with when considering what Barry could be short for if Saturnus or the Jäger or anyone not-Teodora named him:

Barium

Barometric

Baron

Barbarian (seems highly likely)

Please add on any Heterodyne worthy names that could be shortened to Barry, and imagine rolecall at TPU with Barry in the classroom!

#Heterodyne boys #girl genius #girl genius meta #bill Heterodyne #Barry Heterodyne

[sparrowsarus]

I was today years old when I realized Saturnus Heterodyne is probably named that because he tried to kill his sons.

#girl genius

[iztarshi]

Knight of Wands

The Knight of Wands is seen on his horse that is reared up and ready for action. Judging from the knight’s clothes and armor, as well as his horse, he is prepared for what’s ahead. He is wearing a yellow patterned shirt on top of his metal armor. He is also wearing an armor helmet with red plume sticking out of it. He seems to be ready for battle, except he is holding a large wand instead of a sword. His horse is orange in color and has a mane that looks like flames. When you look at the Knight of Wands' face, you’ll see the determination of wanting to be successful in his endeavor. Fire is a dominate factor in the Knight of Wands' symbolism. The decorative tassels hanging from his arms and back, as well as the horse’s mane, are all in the color of flame. He is also wearing a yellow shirt printed with the fiery salamander symbol.

Mechanicsburg Knight of Wands

Saturnus, aboard the Beast.

Saturnus represents the times when Heterodynes following their whims does lead to massive destruction, including for them personally. Like his creation, Saturnus knows what he wants and goes for it but forgets he's not immune to consequences. Even within Mechanicsburg he was a difficult Heterodyne, doing things like setting the town hall on fire, but he fulfilled his duties as a Heterodyne with the same bull-headed thoughtlessness he did everything else.

Inspiration

I don't know for sure whether that's Saturnus but he would have been the last Old Heterodyne to lead the Jägerstomp.

#the mechanicsburg tarot

[incorrectgirlgeniusquotes]

Teodora: Do you think that maybe you’re feeling - I don’t know - a little guilty?

Saturnus: What’s “guilty”?

Teodora: *laughs*

Saturnus: …

Teodora: Oh. Um, when you feel bad about what you’ve done.

Saturnus: That’s not a thing!

#girl genius #teodora heterodyne #saturnus heterodyne #source: galavant #submission #sexyshoelessgodofwar

[edenfalling]

[Fic] “Weights and Measures” - Girl Genius

53. Written 2/20/20 for kalira, in response to the prompt: Girl Genius, any Heterodyne, out of balance.

Weights and Measures (130 words)

"Mathematics is about balance, each side of an equation set exactly against the other until they line up like perfectly chosen weights on a scale, so naturally I thought a kinesthetic aid might be a useful teaching tool," Saturnus said.

"Mmm," Teodora said, as she eyed the gaping hole in her kitchen floor (and several levels of cellar and "secret" tunnels beneath); the twisted, broken levers and trays hanging empty above it; and her two sons playing happily in the corner with no notion of how close they'd come to death were it not for their unofficial Jaeger bodyguards' quick reflexes. "I can see the logic, but perhaps the next iteration should be at one tenth scale and shut down automatically if our children start experimenting with imaginary numbers."

#liz writes stuff #three sentence ficathon #three sentence fic #girl genius #saturnus heterodyne #teodora heterodyne #generalized content warning

[phoenixyfriend]

For the soulmate asks- 13 for Saturnus and Theodora please? -Timmie who doesn't feel like logging in right now

@themysteriousinternetentity​ Let’s give this a shot.

soulmate to the prompt.

13. the one where only your soulmate can kill you.

Teodora has known she is Saturnus’s soulmate since she met him. There are signs, subtle ones, and he’d noticed them as soon as she had.

She could have loved him, maybe, if he’d let it grow naturally. If he’d courted her properly. If he’d taken the time to get to know her, to learn about her, to love her family, to let her love her family as much as he loved his.

She could have loved him, if he hadn’t acted like such a bloody Heterodyne all the time.

There are rules, about soulmates. War is bloody and death is common, but murder is… less so. The definitions are hazy, for a lot of things. “Only your soulmate can kill you” is a known fact, but the interpretations are strange and varied.

I didn’t kill him, the bullet did.

I didn’t kill him, the infection did.

I didn’t kill him, I just starved him to death.

I didn’t kill him, he just ran into my knife.

I didn’t kill him, I just convinced him to kill himself.

Heterodynes have, traditionally, simply done themselves in. They’d make mistakes in their experiments, go too far and rend themselves to pieces, and the world would be safer for a few years as the new one found their footing.

None of that matters, Teodora thinks, because Saturnus is her soulmate.

He’s threatening her children, because they aren’t enough like him.

So really, it doesn’t matter, if it’s Teodora or the poison or the anaphylactic shock that kills him.

All that matters is that he’s dead.

#Girl Genius #Saturnus Heterodyne #Teodora Vodenicharova #murder tw #suicide mention #death tw #Phoenix Files #mini fic #Anonymous #soulmate au

[sameenbyhat]

Sometime you just need to femswap an entire fictional family to change the upbringing of one character who isn’t even in it.. I know this post has been a while, but I need to know EVERYTHING you have on femswapped Heterodynes, please?

¨Thanks, Anon! I’m home sick and need something to do.

So I wanted Tarvek to have been trained from a very young age to expect to be the most vulnerable and powerless part of a loveless political marriage. So either I had to change dynamics or he had to be assumed to be a woman. (He’s actually genderfluid in this one, because I am this author and I am law.)

But I still wanted Tarvek(a) to be perceived as Agatha’s natural/inevitable consort, so I needed either to change the world or change Agatha’s gender.

And Agatha’s status as the Heterodyne Girl, the first in two hundred years, is really important to her character and the plot, so to mascswap Agatha I had (got) to femswap the ENTIRE HOUSE OF HETERODYNE.

(And mascswap Lucrezia Mongfish.)

Things about femswapped Heterodynes:

1) Women were not supposed to touch the spring that became the Dyne. Did the Ht’rok-din, founder of the House of Heterodyne, care? 

Ov Cauz Not!

She drank from it, and became A LIVING AVATAR OF THE GODDESS OF WAR UND DEATH!

A rather intimidating person by all accounts, the Ht’rok-din.

2) Vladia the Blasphemous brewed the Jägerdraught for her handmaidens, warriors all, her dearest companions.

Then they killed a lot of people.

A rather intimidating person by all accounts, Vladia the Blasphemous.

(Although, to be fair, many women would rather be raided or conquered by the Heterodynes and their Jäger horde than by a ‘normal’ army of human men. The Jägers are not that much into rape. (some of them are survivors themselves, sometimes that’s what drove a woman into the arms of the monster army, knowing in that way what monsters people are. But there are other ways to know the monstrousness of humans, other reasons to want to watch the world burn, other reasons to be utterly loyal to the House of Heterodyne. (Jorgi still joined because his father was a philosopher and Plato made Jorgi want to kill things.) ) The number of deaths of abusive husbands (and occasionally wives) attributed (accurately or not) to the Jägers is the subject of several historian’s theses.)

3) Fausta Heterodyne’s castle is sometimes called the Mother of Mechanicsburg. 

It is not very good at it.

4) Someone once told Bob Heterodyne to stay home and mind her knitting. She conquered his town and trapped him in a knitted maze that constantly changed around him while she laughed.

She tossed him tidbits from her table while he tried to avoid being pierced by the constantly moving needles. Some people say that she eventually fell in love with his determination and let him out.

This is a lie. She married his favorite construct and he stayed trapped in her knitting until he died of exhaustion. (Her knitting is currently in a Corbetite vault. It is still going. It is also bright neon colors and glows in the dark.)

A rather intimidating person by all accounts, Bob Hereodyne.

4) Robur Heterodyne messed with time. She called what came for her ‘angels’ and had an actual crisis of faith (Which may have the first and last time any Heterodyne has done so.) She thought Heaven had decided to punish her for sin, (although which she wasn’t sure) and considered becoming a nun for perhaps three seconds before smashing her device, sending it to the Corbetites for safekeeping, and eating pie, thus ending her crisis.

A refreshingly simple woman in many ways.

5) Euphrosynius Heterodyne and Andronicus Valois were great friends. They swore to end the war between their houses with their sworn brotherhood. He vanished shortly after an aborted attempt to swear their eternal friendship at the altar in an adorable pseudo marriage.

Andronicus vanished shortly thereafter, swearing to search tirelessly until he found his dear friend.

(it’s not gay, you guys. (It totally was))

6) Saturna Heterodyne conquered a town, dragged the Mayor’s younger (and more attractive) son home with her, and got two daughters off her. She probably wasn’t expecting Teodore to spend so much time with their children, but Bill and Barry turned out moral because of their father’s influence.

Saturna became irritated, and decided to kill her children and start again. Teodore killed her before she could manage it.

7) Bill and Barry Heterodyne, usually called the Heterodyne Girls, traveled throughout Europa, taking down tyrannical leaders, destroying or resettling monsters, helping people recover from natural disasters, bringing hope to Europa.

They also add fuel to the sexual equality revolution.

The general assumption is that Klaus and Lucrezius are competing for Bill’s love, and that Lucrezius wins because bad boys are ~sexy~ and Klaus is the comic relief guy who gets damsel-in-distressed once a novel. Actually, though, Klaus is awkwardly bisexual, and is torn because Bill thinks of him as a brother but he doesn’t want to make Bill upset by sleeping with Lucrezius, but Bill deserves better than someone who would cheat on her? Klaus Wulfenbach: Bisexual Mess(tm)

8) Once, Agatha asks the Castle why the Heterodynes are always girls.

The Castle says, “One of your ancestresses, it may have been Knife, decided that she was not willing to be overthrown by some male descendant who felt that he had the right to rule over her because he was a boy. So she altered her womb, and those of her daughters, and her daughters altered their daughters’, to make them antithetical to the masculine energy.” While Agatha is gaping, the Castle continues. “Your mother was altered that way. However Lucrezius created you, he must have used someone else’s womb. Perhaps he made one of his own!” The Castle laughs a laugh like poison through pipes. “But you are a Heterodyne, of the true blood. And you are mine.”

#Girl Genius #the House of Heterodyne #Agatha Heterodyne #Tarvek Sturmvorous #Bill Heterodyne #Klaus Wulfenbach #Saturnus Heterdyne #The Htrockdin #Lucrezia Mongfish #Androcius Valois #Euphrosynia Heterodyne #Castle Heterodyne #anonymous ask #Anonymous

[tanoraqui]

For short writing promt ggot3 kid playing with jaegers

Ok so this is about 50% of what you asked for, and actually belongs to my bad timeline au that I’m giving serious thought to reviving for the 20th anniversary this fall. I know I’ve given thought to canon-timeline ot3lets, but this sprang to mind.

It wasn’t that anyone was worried about little Will (“William”, but Will for short, immediately and universally. “For Lars’ favorite role,” Lady Agatha told the other circus folk, teasingly nudging her husband in the ribs. “For your father,” Lars had murmured to her in the quiet of their wagon, when none of the jägers were supposed to be eavesdropping—but what sort of secret guards would they be, if they couldn’t guard in secret?)

It wasn’t that anyone was worried about how little Will would take to monsters. No Heterodyne had ever not taken to monsters, and young Master Will was certainly a Heterodyne—look at Lady Agatha’s eyes, and Lord Saturnus’s ears! Feel Lord Igneous’s energetic, if still gummy, bite! Hear Lord “Teakettle” Tinnitus’s piercing mad shrieks!

It was just… It was just a little fraught, these days. Lord Bill and Master Barry, well, they’d taken to monsters right off, natural as any child of Mechanicsburg, but then their mother had weaned them off of them until both Boys looked at monsters like the monsters, however loyally they looked back, were so much rotten milk. And Lady Agatha—Miz Agatha out here, only ever Miz—she cared, she did, she let them gladly into her heart and house (or, wagon). But she got splitting headaches instead of spark-mad fugues, and any time spent in Mechanicsburg seemed to only make them worse. And then instead of a conquering warlord or stolen prince or anything normal like that, she’d married a cheesemaker turned actor…

Not that anyone had a bad word to say against Lars. He did flinch from monsters sometimes, even when they were barely unexpectedly looking out of the shadows at all, and that was a little concerning. But he doted on Miz Agatha, and now on little Will as well. He made her smile through even the worst headaches. That was worth anything else, as far as the jägers were concerned.

(And old Klaus was dead, and his son couldn’t seem to get his footing against the new Storm King’s machinations—machinations which seemed benevolent, what with the wasp-curing and all. But you didn’t get to be a nigh-immortal soldier of the Heterodynes without developing a sixth, maybe seventh sense for when a fight was coming. Everything was going too well in Europa these days. Something was going to snap…)

So by (mostly) quiet scuffle victory and unspoken agreement, Oggie was the first…properly jäger-looking monster to hold the new young master. He also looked basically human, after all, if you ignored the horn and the teeth and the smell (the smell was sometimes visible). Besides, he had experience with babies that the rest of them simply did not!

“Who iz a gut little lad?” he cooed, and waved a finger in front of baby Will’s face. “It iz hyu! It iz certinkly—oh!” Oggie announced to the others, as proudly as though the boy was yet another great-grandchild, “He grabbed mine finger! He haz a verra strong grip.”

Maxim and Dimo made the appreciative noises one makes when one is not a parent, has no intention of becoming a parent, but nonetheless appreciates the wonder of brand-new babies. Oggie, experienced in getting such reactions from his brothers, saved his best grin for turning back down to the young master—

Who released his finger immediately and reached up with both hands toward the wide mouth of sharp teeth, with a soft, “Ah! Ah!” of wonder.

Oggie grinned even wider, and tried to crow without moving his mouth. “He likes mine teef! Yez, hyu is definitely the best little lad I heff seen dis day!”

#girl genius #ficlet #my fic #ask meme

[melongumi]

me, sticking saturnus heterodyne and endeavor into a blender: “is this a valid headcanon?”

[bigasswritingmagnet]

Helpful, in a Heterodyne Kind of Way

inspired by this post, Saturnus Heterodyne, doting grandfather, attempting to find Agatha a PROPER boyfriend

AO3 Link

“No.”

Saturnus blinked.

“Did you say something, dear?”

Teodora approached like a tidal wave and hit about as hard. Saturnus went stumbling back, clutching at his jaw, but Teodora kept coming, punctuating her words with hard jabs to his chest.

“You will not kill my sons. You will abdicate to Bill. You will let him rule Mechanicsburg, his way, and you will like it, or so help me, Saturnus Heterodyne, I will break you.”

Saturnus stared at his wife, who seemed to tower over him like the god queens of old.

“…yes, dear.”

“I don’t like him.”

Agatha rolled her eyes, but did it fondly.

“You never like any of them.”

“And I definitely don’t like this one. Sturmvoraus, pah! And a Valois! Weaselly little devils, with their poisons and their smoke knights and their secret assassinations…”

“I’m sorry, you don’t like them because they kill people?” Agatha asked, raising her eyebrows.

“They don’t kill people properly!” Saturnus bellowed, thumping his fist down on the arm of his chair. “The only reason a man needs to poison a knife is because he’s not good enough to kill you without it!”

“Well, I thought he was very charming.”

“That sister of his had promise,” Saturnus said, perking up a little. “There’s a girl who understands leadership.”  

“She wanted to flense the servants because they didn’t hem her dress correctly.”

“So she’s a bit of a project,” Saturnus said, dismissively. “You always liked a challenge.”

“I think I’ll give this particular one a miss, thanks,” Agatha said, with deep amusement.

Saturnus’ expression grew serious, and he gripped her hand tightly.

“I know you’re all grown up, and you don’t need looking after anymore—especially not by some miserable old codger,” he said, earnestly, “but when I’m gone—”

“Grandfather, please,” Agatha said, rolling her eyes. “You’re not that old—”

“When I’m gone,” Saturnus continued, insistent, “I want to go knowing you’ve got a partner in life who will make you happy. Someone who can keep up with you, support you, love you properly. Someone who deserves you.”  

“Someone who would be willing to help me burn Europa to the ground if I suddenly decide to take up the family traditions?” Agatha asked, with a quirk of a smile.

“Well, that goes without saying.”

Agatha’s smile spread, becoming soft and genuine. She leaned down and kissed the top of her grandfather’s head.  

“You are a terrible old man,” she said, “and I love you very much.”

She slipped out of the room. When her footsteps faded into the distance, Saturnus sighed and maneuvered his chair—a fantastic device Agatha had built him, with dozens of little legs that could navigate the castle's many stairs and even the steep road down to Mechanicsburg—over to the window.

After a few minutes, he saw his granddaughter emerge from the castle, followed at a respectable distance by two Jӓger guards.

“She’s the Lady of Mechanicsburg,” he said aloud. “She deserves an equal. She deserves the best. Certainly deserves better than her father got.”

Oh yes, Lucrezia Mongfish. Saturnus had approved, quite profusely, even encouraged Bill to see her. And how had that ended?

With a war that nearly leveled Europa, Bill and Barry vanished, a grave smaller than its headstone, and a little girl named Lady of Mechanicsburg before she was twelve.  

Perhaps he should know better than to meddle, after all that.

‘I did overhear a very interesting conversation between Master Tarvek and his sister.’

“Hmm?” Saturnus said, only half-listening.

‘Do you recall Master Bill and Barry’s friend, Klaus Wulfenbach?’

Saturnus screwed up his face.

“Oh don’t be ridiculous, he’s far too old for her!”

‘I was actually thinking of his son. Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, heir to the Wulfenbach Empire?’

Saturnus rubbed his chin, thoughtfully. The Wulfenbach Empire was impressive, and Klaus was ruling with a proper, iron fist—while remaining respectful of Mechanicsburg’s continued autonomy, which Saturnus could only assume was Klaus being smart enough not to start a war he couldn’t win.

“Mmm,” he said, reluctantly. “But Klaus did have his hero phase, running around Europa with the boys, fixing all kinds of problems. That sort of thing can be heritable, you know.”

Just look at Agatha! Nature over nurture his left foot.

‘Not a concern,’ the castle said, smoothly. ‘The boy is adopted.’

“Really?” Saturnus said, now more interested. “Do we know his background, then?”

‘Do you remember Petrus Teuful?’

Saturnus froze. Slowly he raised his head to look at the ceiling.

“Petrus Teuful?”

‘Oh yes.’

“The Black Mist Raiders, that Petrus Teuful?”

‘The very same.’ The castle was very smug.

Saturnus’s astonished expression slowly spread into a wide, devious grin.

“Well…perhaps we shall have Master Gilgamesh over…for dinner. Heh. Aheheh. Hahaha. Ha. Hahaha! Haahahaha!”

Thunder crashed overhead as Saturnus’ laughter echoed over Mechanicsburg. Agatha put her hands on her hips and tutted, glaring up at the castle.

“Oh, now he knows he’s not supposed to do that. It agitates his sciatica.”

#girl genius #saturnus heterodyne #agatha heterodyne

[azzandra]

Saturnus + Vapnoople, 51. Sport (requested on Discord)

"I don't really see how this business with the hammers is supposed to work," Saturnus muttered. He squinted under the pressing afternoon sun. It was a bright and cheerful day, and personally, Saturnus was keeping his fingers crossed for rain.

Dimitri Vapnoople snorted in response.

"Hardly complicated, Saturn ol' boy," he replied. "You hit the balls with the hammer."

"Yes, yes, that's the part I don't get," Saturnus replied. "Wouldn't it be easier to just crack your opponent over the head with it?"

"Ah, the straightforward thinking of the Heterodynes," Dimitri said with a long-suffering sigh. "Now what would be the sport in that?"

Gently he tapped his own croquet mallet to the ball. With a mechanical whir, the head of the mallet popped open. A small creature, like a hedgehog but bipedal, dashed out, grabbed the ball, and made a break for the nearest horseshoe.

Saturnus had been lazily leaning against his own hammer, but straightened to his feet as he observed one of Dimitri's creations currently running up the score impressively by pushing along the balls.

"Does mine do that?" Saturnus wondered, hefting his hammer and inspecting it.

"It does whatever you make it do," Dimitri replied, exasperated with the unusually slow uptake on his colleague's part. "The purpose of having an opponent who is a Spark is to challenge oneself to always exceed--"

He did not get to finish, on account of the croquet mallet hitting him upside the head. Dimitri staggered, even a man of his considerable size and strength liable to be thrown off his game by getting brained with a hammer, and by the time he blinked away the stars from his eyes, it was to see Saturnus cackling maniacally while running around and hitting all the balls willy-nilly.

Dimitri rubbed the back of his head, impressed by the sheer Heterodyne gall of such a move.

Oh, Saturnus wasn't even capitalizing on the brief advantage, because he was just flinging balls every which way. But good Lord, Dimitri was going to enjoy working with this lunatic.

(Author’s note: I don’t know how croquet is played. But neither does Saturnus, so obviously the rules of croquet are not something you need to succeed in life)

#girl genius #girl genius fanfic #writing meme response

[asukaskerian]

if Saturnus Heterodyne and Dmitri Vapnoople were fraternity brothers (oh my GOD what university did they go to this sounds terrifying) then how old is Vapnoople? I thought Agatha’s dad had her fairly late, like around forty or so? then again its not a clear timeline and maybe he was only thirty, and Saturnus had him at 25...

he’d be between 70 (saturn had bill at 20, bill had agatha at 30, agatha should be twenty by now without the time freeze) and 85 (Saturn - 25 bill - 40) year old. Hmm. I was seeing him a bit younger.

...seriously now. saturnus was part of a fraternity. holy shit who took him in??? or did Mechanicsburg have a College of Evil Masterminds and Vapnoople attended there?

#girl genius #meta

[sparrowsarus]

Thanks to a reply on a fic I commented on, I am now thinking of an AU where Lucrezia Mongfish is Jenka's daugher instead.

She grows up in Mechanicsburg, and gets along with Bill and Barry--a little bit of mischief here and there, and maybe she goes to uni with them still. Falls into the hero thing, but knows how to market it better than the boys to Saturnus--"oh, you know how it is, we wanted to practice crushing our enemies, we didn't kill them because its such fun to see them frightened and you don't get that with fresh meat"--and so he waits just a bit longer.

(Teodora kills him anyway.)

And sure Lucifer Mongfish is her biological father, but it was Dimo that taught her to throw knives, and it was the Lord Heterodyne that gave her a lovely lab in the castle, to use when they weren't hairing off.

(With some jaegers, here and there. This Lucrezia teaches Bill that he has a duty to his monsters, no matter his personal feelings--and he can show the Jaegers that thry can be more than monsters.)

And this Lucrezia would never consider mind control. She'd never give Aaronev the time of day. The geisters do not worship her as a goddess, because this Lucrezia doea not desire worship in the same way.

(Bill and Klaus notwithstanding--but that is far different, mama, lay off)

Klaus Barry Heterodyne lives. Agatha gets to break through at 5. Klaus returns to a Europa that still stands, and when he meets his daughter for the second time he listens.

A circus actor doesn't die for the woman he loves.

Mechanicsburg lucrezia, man.

#girl genius #thoughts #lucrezia mongfish

[iztarshi]

I think Teodora probably kept the Boys away from the Jagers when they were young. On Saturnus’s side, he probably only started doing the same when the Boys got older and started getting resistant to typical Heterodyne activities. So the Jagers had to deal with BOTH parents not wanting them to get close to the Boys. And it didn’t help that the Boys didn’t like the shit the Jagers were doing on their father’s orders, and started keeping their distance themselves.

That sounds reasonable.