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ifyouseekay468 · 3 years

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what do YOU personally think the teenagers (mcr) lyrics are about my friend ? like i keep thinking about them but im not sure im going somewhere

okay, ive answered this ask twice on mobile and each time my phone deleted it, so here I go, the FINAL version of this post

It's been a hot minute since I listened to teenagers so I decided to do a quick run-through of the lyrics, and while Gerard&Co were raised catholic the lyrics seem to REEK of protestant trauma, so that's what I'll be going off of, but I'm pretty sure the two denominations overlap here. The first verse is about kids in youth group, Christian GirlsTM especially, who are put there to pressure you into being "normal" into "cleaning you up with the lies in the book" (bible), although the pastor is the one giving the teaching THESE are the people who will get you to BELIEVE, who will get you to lie to yourself, who will get you to church camps that on some level utilize brainwashing techniques, and will DESTROY you with the idea that you're "Just one of them, and just need to change everything about yourself and fake your way through every last sermon to be just a part of the gang",

The part about sleeping with a gun and keeping an eye on you is about two things: one, about the idea that God can see all your thoughts, that THINKING about "sin" (ie; fantasizing about sex) is as bad as COMMITTING sin (which is fucked up entirely on its own because fantasy is SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM REALITY and that is a CRUCIAL aspect of sexual expression in order to safely engage in sex), AND the fact that these kids will pretend to be your friend, will prod you into doing things with them, into telling them things about yourself all the while making you feel like "part of the group" when really they're just blabbing either to religious leaders, or are ostracizing you and bullying you behind your back.

"The drugs never work"

This in my opinion points to the fact that this song is specifically about being QUEER in a christian culture. It is common for trans people to turn to drugs or psychedelics in an area that has little to no access to gender affirming care, or acceptance because they both change reality and disconnect one from the body that is causing their dysphoria. It can also help burn away the guilt, so to speak.

The methods of keeping you clean is about two things: one, about purity culture, no smoking, no drinking, no friends who drink, no sex, no porn, no masturbation, no impure thoughts. The second, is the way they're able to subtly manipulate you into hiding yourself, into lying to yourself, into forcing yourself to the point of death into being cishet. They're keeping you clean not just from the vices of addiction, but the vices of the flesh, the vice you can't escape because it's a part of you from the day youre born. On a darker note, this could also be referring to c*nversion th*rapy, given this second interpretation of the lyrics

"Ripping your head and aspirations to shreds," Is again about two things in my opinion: both the idea of "losing yourself to God's will" that usually leads one to losing their identity and getting depression and fucked up mental health, and the "shift" that happens at church when you reach a certain age. You know the kind, right? You're four years old, and church is FUN! You get to go to this big room and sing and dance on stage with all your friends! You get to play GAMES! You get to talk to the ~cool teenagers~ who are ~Just like you~ and ~think youre a "cool kid"~, you have ~best friends~ who will be with you like Jesus and the 12! but then, one day, something happens, something SHIFTS. maybe the Sunday school teacher leaves, maybe there's a new family at church, maybe the church changes buildings. Maybe none of that has to do with any of it, all you know is that now things are forever different. Church isn't fun anymore. The kids classes are repetitive, they're bribing you into memorizing bible verses with money, they DONT reward critical thinking or analysis, but they do call you smart, that's because they dont want SMART kids they want OBEDIANT ones. You have no choice but to stat going to REAL church. Suddenly, your best friends are not your best friends. Suddenly they're avoiding you. Suddenly they're lying to you. Suddenly you're too... well they don't know the word yet but "gay" for them...

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"

This is what youth group does to you, it isolates you from your entire generation because there are few people your age and a whole lot older than you, and everyone is so much DIFFERENT from you for some reason, but neither of you know why, not yet anyways. This makes you distance yourself from teenagers, because you can't SEE yourself as a teenager, because youre nothing like other teenagers.

"They could care less as long as someone will bleed,"

This is the martyr complex that permeates youth culture like the smell of wine, the problem? these kids love to make a show of themselves and their martyrdom, but they're unwilling to martyr themselves, so what do they do? They throw someone else to the wolves and take the glory. They ostracize and eliminate the unique in the name of preserving their faith. They convert and convert and god help anyone who doesn't want to convert.

"So darken your clothes and strike a violent pose"

This is about deconversion, how the moment you leave the church you never want to see another cross till the day you die, that you want to avoid christians of all costs because you don't want them To drag you back into the pit that devoured you. So you do anything and everything you can to make yourself repulsive to Christians, which actually coincides with your indulgence of mundane activities previously considered as "sin"

"Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,"

There's a different between a cishet ex Christian and a queer ex christian, and that difference is that a cishet atheist is more likely to be left alone than a queer one, especially a queer one whose whole demeanor screams "Christians be gone," that shit is like... it summons christians faster than free winter jam tickets! They swarm to you frothing at the mouth with holy water waiting to either convert you or exorcise you into purity, depends on if you want them or not. Again, you don't even have to be OPENLY gay, they can TRACK this shit. it's like fucking... INSTINCT or something.

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick, you're never gonna fit in much kid,"

as alluded to above, this lyric is about how, even from a young age, BEFORE youth group, this toxic culture kind of develops. ESPECIALLY around christian girls. They don't have the vulgarity of slurs, but they can make up for it with slang like "tomboy" "nancyboy" "too boyish" "a sissy" "Weird" etc, youre NEVER going to fit in, because the moment that "shift", from fun games and songs to Real Church, occurs, you have a target on your back.

"But if youre troubled and hurt what you got under your shirt will make them pay for the things that they did,"

This is probably a gun. But that's a tad too boring for my taste. If you were raised protestant you KNOW that being an ex protestant, after the craziness of evangelicalism, you would not hesitate to burn down your old church. It could be a secret tattoo, top surgery scars, hell maybe even nipple clamps. Whatever it is, it's symbolic of revenge. I know that anytime I wore my labrys necklace to church I would always hide it under my shirt. I hid books and CDs under there too. Again, it's about revenge, it's about breaking free, gun or no gun, the point is getting out and getting back at them.

and thats pretty much my take on the song. Again, this is not about artist intent this is just what the lyrics reminded ME of personally (as you can see from the over biographical bullshit I wrote), I'm always open to contradicting interpretations though as I always have like 2+ interpretations of a song or book! I never really saw the song through the lens of youth group specifically but when I went over the lyrics again in retrospect it all seemed to really click (pun not intended) well! Thanks for the ask!

#anon #okay to rb #religious trauma #ex christian #religious trauma syndrome #ex baptist #ex protestat #apostate #MCR #mcr #my chem #my chemical romance #the black parade #welcome to the black parade #gerard way #ray toro #frank iero #Mikey way

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wakandascrystal · 5 years

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ʀᴇʟɪᴄ

Erik x Black Reader

Summary: Erik finds an old picture of you and an Ex. He recognises him and tells you about the man that saved his life in Afghanistan .

A/N - Warning⚠, I’m going to make this as emotional as i can. please ignore any errors

🌹🎀🎈 🌹🎀🎈🩱🍑❤🌸💕 🩱🍑 🌹🎀🎈🩱🍑❤🌸💕 🌹🎀🎈🩱🍑❤🌸💕

“Are you on your way here?“ You mother asked over the phone.

“Yes, we are. We might take a pit stop and buy something, do you want anything from the shop?“ You asked polity.

“Yes, get me some milk and cookies. The ones I like. The ones they dip in chocolate.“

“Okay, Ma. No problem. We’ll be there in 20 minutes okay?“ “Yeah yeah. Is my beautiful son in law coming or are you coming with Jade“

“Ma you are on speaker!!“ You were tempted to just hang up but you knew she would kill you. Erik was of no help. He just grinned foolishly.

“Yes. The son in law is driving.“ You slurred

“Hello, Mrs Johnson.“ Erik’s deep voice filled the car

“Erik? What did I tell you about calling me, Mrs Johnson? Call me Mom.“ the was a pause

“Alright, Mrs Johnson.“

“I’m nothing going to tell you twice now. Come on Im your mama.“ Your mom pushed.

You could see Eri wasn’t ready to do that. He had nothing against your mother. He actually liked her but Erik was still working on the emotions he had with his own mother. Even though he lost her along time again the issue was still sensitive and sore.

“Okay, Mrs Johnson we are about to enter the highway so we will see you. Bye“ You hung up and sat back in the leather seat.

“I’m sorry about that?“

“Nah it’s cool.“

You didn’t believe him.

“I’m sure she didn’t mean to make you uncom- ”

“I said let’s drop it Y/N“ His voice was stern and hostile. You saw how his hands tightened on the wheel, the muscles under his skin expanding with the pressure. He was tense. You feared that your mother might have triggered him. You quickly put on some music to calm him down. You put on your favourite lo-fi playlist. You knew it would calm him down and it did.

Driving 130km/hr you rest your hand on his thigh. You wanted him to slow down, doing this was much better than telling him to slow down. Gently moving your fingers on his inner thigh he slowed down.

It was raining and Erik had no business speeding on the highway.

He was driving to your moms. He had agreed to help your mom clear out your old room and the attic. She lived in the countryside, the other side of the state but with Erik’s mustang and driving skills, he could get you there in no time.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you.“ He took your hand and kissed it.

“Don’t be, I understand.“

You pulled your hand from his placing it on his thigh again. This was the best part. When you were comfortable enough to talk and be okay with him. It took a long time to understand him, the way he showed himself and the parts he didnt want to show. It took some time to understand that Erik was more than just some nigga from Oakland. He was different.He loved differently and you were ready to be with him no matter what.

“It’s a good thing you didn’t take out your braids yesterday.“ You didn’t hear him until he nudged your shoulder.

“Yes?“ You pulled out of your train of thought.

“What are you thinking about there.“

“Nothing. I’m just sleepy.“

“You should have slept earlier. 11 o'clock is too late.“

“I had work Erik…but if somebody didn’t wake me up for some action in the middle of my sweet slumber then I would have had my eight hours.“ you folded your arms across your chest.

He was smiling again.

“What did I tell you about sleeping naked.“

“Erik I always sleep naked cause cloths tighten and roll up on me when I move ….they make me feel uncomfortable. “

“Okay ..but you could have stopped me at any time though…“

“…Fuck you right“ You laughed a bit as he pulled into a petrol station thinking about last night’s events.

You offered to go buy all the things you need for the weekend but he didn’t want you getting wet. So you told him what yall needed and he left. After a couple of hours, you were very close to your Mother’s house and Erik pulled into her driveway.

“My favourite people!“ She closed the space between her and Erik with a welcoming hug. His head fit in her collarbone. She really liked him.

Disappearing into your old room, you left them behind in the kitchen.

Your room looked the same. Nothing was changed or moved. The double bed with all your TLC, Destiny’s Child, Aaliyah, Ashanti and most importantly the Tupuk poster were still up.

You could tell your mom still came in and cleaned once in a while. There is no way your white bedding would still look so fresh and clean after 2 years and no dust. Yes, she did. You looked under your bed to find a box. It was filled with your all memories. Old letters and bracelets. Erik hugged you from behind as you looked at through the objects. You kissed him and sat on the bed.

“Look at this stuff. She still kept it.“ Erik started to look through with you.

“Your mom said we will start cleaning up tomorrow cause your tired and its late .“ You agreed while you read your high school report cards.

“I Was getting B’s and C’s like it was nobody’s business.“ you smile

Erik was interested in all the objects in the box. He wanted to know you better and when an opportunity showed itself he would grab it with both hands.

“You used to play…what the hell is this.”

You looked over him to the picture of you holding a bat.

“Oh, first-team badminton… it’s like Tennies..a bit .”

You let out a high pitch scream.

“Damn Y/N what the hell.”

“I’m sorry but look. I remember buying this lucky packet thing and finding this ring in it. Then I saw a shooting star and wished a handsome, intelligent nigga would marry me.”

“Did it work.” “Yes, it did.” You gave him a kiss on the cheek and went back pulling things from the box. A few minutes went by and you notice how Erik went quite. He was holding the stack of photographs that didn’t make into your photo album.

“What’s got my baby’s attention.”

He carried on staring at the old photographs, you lean up against him again to see what picture had his attention. It was an old picture of your ex-boyfriend giving you a kiss on the cheek. You rolled your eyes.

“Oh come one E. You know your girl was fire back then. I …was bringing all the boys in the yard.” He stayed very serious, focusing on the picture of your Ex planting a kiss on your cheek.

“What was his name?” He asked

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous…You married me ..You won nigga" You giggled

“‘I know….but I think I know him.” Your eyebrows shot up

“`From where?… His name is Flex..”

“Shit.”

“What…what’s wrong?”

“Was his surname O’Brien..”

“Yeah, I think so…It’s been so long though. After graduating I don’t know where he even ended up.“

He didn’t move, just staring at the picture.

“You alright?“ He worried you. His whole aura had changed.

“I know him…He served with me.“ The sorrow and pain in his voice made you pay full attention to him.

If he did know Flex he must have done something terrible for him to be so emotional all of a sudden. But flex was not like that. You remembered him to be soft and kind. Sure he likes to cause tribble but none that could hurt anyone.

You placed the diary you held and sat next to him. taking his hand.

“You want to talk about it.“

“Nah. It’s late you should get some sleep.“

“You sure? I would much rather hear you vent.“ He smiled

“Let’s get ready for bed.“ He left you to grab your luggage from the car. By the time he got back from the car, Your dad had arrived. He loved Erik.

‘The son I never had’ he always says. You found them in the kitchen talking about the upcoming game. He seemed much happier then he did before. He could cheer up anyone, to be honest.

“So you came to help your mother with moving?“

“Yes, Sir. Me and Y/N can handle it don’t worry yourself.“

“What do you mean me, Erik? I only came for emotional support“ You played along with your husband.

“Nah we are going to put all them pilates and squats into good use tomorrow. Remember to leave with your back.“ Both your father and husband laughed holding onto each other.

“Daddy!!“ they both looked at you. It made you smile that Erik would respond to that even if your real father was present. You fixed your face and pouted to get him on your side.

“Dad. Erik is bullying me.“

Adorable Erik though

“I’m sorry sunshine. I was lucky that Erik was free to help. You know since my back kicked in I can’t do anything.“

“-except eat my pies and cooking” Your mom came into the kitchen holding a basket of laundry.

“You got that right.” shocking her head and called you over.

“Y/N why don’t you make the table. I’ll be back to dish up the food for dinner.”

You agreed and did as told, after dinner. You all got ready for bed. For the first time, you didn’t get weird looks from your mom and dad when it was time for sleeping arrangements. Before the wedding, Erik was just some nigga trying to take advantage of their only baby but after the wedding, Erik was the beautiful, nigga angel who was sent to protect their only child from the world. It was strange, and the funny part was Erik didn’t change he was the same chilled guy. But your parents didn’t want you sharing a bed with him. The Christian side of them just couldn’t let that happen. You wondered if they ever figured out that you would just pull him from that uncomfortable, couch around midnight to sleep with you in your bed and end up fucking. It would be weird if they did.

“Before you get up and leave. I would just like to say something..don’t be shy. Do what needs to be done” You knew exactly where this was going.

“Mom please.” You begged

“I need to say this Y/N…Erik I would like to have some grandchildren.”

Erik spat out his wine. It was too funny. It seems like he had not gotten used to how open your mom was. You helped clean him up and left before she said more embarrassing things.

You started getting ready for bed. Brushing your teeth in your silky pj’s. Erik was already in bed. He looked beautiful. He only had his bottoms on, hair all the way back in 3 cornrows. He could see that you were checking him out. Even though he was scrolling through his emails.

“You want to take a picture, Love?“ You giggled. His favourite sound in the world.

“I already have a ton of them, but the real deal looks much better.“ You climber in bed with just his bed lamp on.

“You don’t say. Are you not cold?“

“No. You?“

“No?“ He gave you a kiss and laid down on his back so did you. He turned the lap off and in the silence, you asked.

“Do you think we should fuck so we can have kids ?“ Your voice was little

“What the hell“ Erik let out a laugh, his whole body shook.

“You being pressured by your mom baby?“

“No. I’m in no rush..like at all but we’ve never really spoken about it, Erik.“

“I want to have kids with you, but when the time is right. We still working on us right now. 3 years of marriage that is not a long time. I’m planning on being with you for the longest, like your mom and pops. 57 years.“

“I want to be with you for longer than that.“ You sounded corny and cheesy saying that. Erik smiled thinking you were. But you were his cheesy and corny girlfriend.

“Period…But I do want kids…I want to show them Wakanda and shit. I would love that. “ He said it confidently leaving no room for you to doubt him. ”Plus we live in a great area. They got a good school. You know his ass is practically going to live in that outreach centre. “

“What makes you think it’s going to be a boy?“ you smacked his chest.

“…what ..it could be a girl…or better twins.“

You gasped. “Like Beyonce,” you whisper dramatically.

You laid on your side so you can see his profile. The small light that comes from the parted curtains helped you see that his eyes were closed. You left for the bath. In the dead of night is when you insecurities seemed to be the most active.

They questioned why Erik liked you, why he married you and if you were worthy to even carry his children. They told you that there were much better girls out there. Who were more attractive. Who could make him much happier than you could ever? At night, when everyone was asleep. The mirror was your worst enemy but somehow the Wakanden gem on your ring fingers reassure you that you were right where you belong.

“Are you asleep?“ you whispered to Erik when you came back from the bathroom. He didn’t answer but he pulled you close to his body. Your head laid on his chest and your arm on his stomach.

after a few minutes of silence, he spoke.

“I was drafted with Felix.“

You didn’t say anything still trying to process the fact that your high school ex-boyfriend somehow knew Erik.

“You still listening..?“ You nodded your head against his chest still in shock.

“We didn’t train together but he was put into the team that left….long story short…i served with your Ex In Afghanistan.’‘ He gave a silent laugh. You felt his body shake.

“What are the odds.“ He said

“-It was crazy. I came in there. Young kid, trying to prove to everyone that am the shit. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. He was…how do I put it…he lost his shit every time a gun went off. I guess he was there to prove he was the shit too.“

Yep, that’s definitely him. You remembered him to be funny and witty and non-violent. You wondered what made him join the military.

“His bed was next to mine. He Latino so he was super chilled and super talkative. Won’t lie he annoyed me at first but we ending up being …kinda close.“

“Omg, this that is so adorable….. I should invite him over and have like a reunion some time. I’m sure I can find him on facebook or something..“

His head shot down at you with an unreadable expression. You thought you might have offended him, maybe he thought the idea was stupid.

“Chill E. We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.“

“You don’t know don’t you?“ His voice was hollow and soft.

“Know what?“

“On one of the last days….we were coming back in 3 days. We had to patrol around the wrecked city. We had done this many times. The locals just went about their way…but that day Felix just ….he told me like 10 times he wasn’t feeling it…He knew something was off the second we left the base. And he was right. In the middle of the city, we were ambushed. ..Young kid from Oakland…I thought I was going to die. “ He gave a weak smile

“The base got word of what was happening and they sent help. We lost so many good soldiers but Felix and I made it out, as we ran out……all I’m thinking is I can’t wait to go home….but from a distance window Felix sees a sniper and jumpers in front of me when he heard the shoot….I’ve heard stories of what a Lapua Magnum bullet can do to a human body…seeing it in real life was something else..I didn’t have time to hold him ..close his eyes. He saved my life. But bet… after a few seconds I got the shoot. There was no way I wouldn’t avenge his death….right here. “

He raised his right arm and pointed to one scare on his arm… That scar was for the shoot. Erik had told you what the scars were for and it clicked. You felt heartbroken and angry for so many reasons but you couldn’t tell Erik immediately because he was still speaking. In all honesty, your brain stopped taking in information when you figured out Felix died. Your eyes water and a throbbing pain soaked up your heart. He was a good guy. He didn’t deserve that. You thought about his mother and his sister. They must have lost it when they found out. But that could have been your morning a death if Felix didn’t do anything..if he didn’t jump in Erik’s way. Maybe with how the universe works and timelines, you would never even have met Erik; that was a dark thought you just didn’t want to dwell on for too long.

Erik saw your face. The light passes him and lands on your downcasted face. You looked distressed but he doesn’t regret telling you this. Your eyes are glossy with tears that are about to fall. You stop trying to fight the boiling emotions in your chest. They are hot and they sting and they want out. You push yourself into Erik and let out a cry. On his chest, your head laid visibly shaking.

He had never seen you cry like this in the past. 6 years of knowing you and not once. It wasn’t like the crying or sobbing you did when you watched romantic anime or kdramas or when he surprises you(cause you’re easy to please). This cry was deep and dark. It reminded him of pain and devastation. He wrapped his arms around you so your parents would hear. He hated your reaction. It also showed him how empathic of a person you were.

“Can we go…” Your voice rough and small. “- Can we go see his grave?”

Erik’s face pulled up in confusion and you saw.

“Erik! He was my friend. I know …it sounds like we were was just dating and fucking…He was my actual friends and I’m so angry and hurt…I thought he was in Austria with his father. That’s what he always told me..that when he graduated he would move there…”

You wiped your tears that had wet half your face.

“-…i ..I also want to thank him…He also saved you..” You laced your fingers with his. Yours were tiny against his. “I want to thank him for that.”

Erik didn’t push. He simply agreed. He wanted to make you happy. So anything you wanted was a comrade.

You stayed in that position, his hand over your waist and your head just by his chest, He heard your body try to recover. The rain had picked up, hitting and creating a calming noise. you fell asleep in his arms grateful and depressed.

You thought about how hard destiny has been fighting to make sure Erik ended up with you. You thought about all the fights, his past, your past, the shit that went down in Wakanda, the girls and boy the nasty ass girl that wanted him. He was meant to be there. you were meant to be there. And the thought of that and the low humming of the rain sent you to sleep.

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#erik x reader #erik imagine #Erik Killmonger #Erik killmonger x Reader #Erik Stevens #Erik Kilmonger #Erik #blackpanther #blackreader #inlaws #erik fluff #marriage

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oppatxtme · 7 years

Text

Christian Yu: What’s On Sight (1)

CHRISTIAN YU x READER x JAY PARK

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9

WARNING: Just some curse words in some part. (sorry)

A/N: (Nhaks lakas maka-A/N HAHA!) Hello there ppl ~ This will be my first time posting my written scenario. I have lots on draft but it just stays there. Hahaha! But this is just my testing on posting it. I hope you liked it. Tell me what you think. I appreciate it really.

Also, just keep in mind that English is not my native language so there might be some spelling and grammar error. Sorry for my lack of talent and I promise to work hard on this. Thank you and please enjoy. Any feedback is well loved. <3

Ba?

BaaaaaaaaaRom!

Yaaaah! Christian!

- yow! hahaha!

theres no need to yell

whats up? miss me?

Tsssk! Wat took u so long to reply?

Wen u just tweet some trash when i msg u?

- first of all its not trash, its called selfie. a selfie of a very handsome man who's supposed to be ur only best friend on earth. so show some love.

FYI ur not the ONLY best friend i have. aaargh! watever!

- ok fine. im just the best of the best u have. hahaha

- HAHAHAHA!

O_O

- so wats new? its rare that ur the one looking for me and flooding me msgs like that..

well..

- well?

its just that..

- just that - you really miss me right?

seriously Ian? If I were to miss someone, u already know who it was and its not you.

- HAHAHA! I know. I know. Its Lori. Its always been Lori.

yea, always..

- well Lori misses u too. we both do.

Loooori! Arrrgh! dont be like that Ian, if u keep saying and sending me that I might change my mind on renewing my contract here.

- huh? ur planning on renewing there? but thats not what u said when u took ur vacation YN

yea, i know. but something came up and i cant afford to quit and stay in Seoul as planned

- WHY??

change of plans? hehe

- well obviously

wait. r u mad or something?

- no. its just that its not like you. i mean ur not that type of person who just back out once u decide on something w/o even trying.

i know Ba.. u dont have any idea how stressful it is, but i cant affort to make a mistake now..

i just cant Ba

- where r u now? its already 6am here in Seoul so its already 1am there in Dubai right?

yea.. why?

- answer my call.

You’re hesitant to answer his call. But you answered anyway because you know him too well. He won’t stop calling until u answered.

You cleared your throat.

"Oh?"

"Took you long enough."

You can’t help but smile on how comfortable the two of you become. I guess that’s what four years of friendship can do to you.

"Well, I miss you too Ba."

"Whatever. So mind telling me what’s on your empty head that you decide to renew your freaking contract on that trashy company you're in."

"Haha! The company is not trashy, just most of the people in it though."

"Same thing. So why? Don’t you think you've been trolling me long enough? Long distance call is not cheap you know."

You end up laughing at imagining how irritated he looks at the moment.

"Stingy as always. But first, why are you mad?"

"Wait a moment here YN, I'm the one who's calling so just answer my question and I might tell you why I'm mad."

"Fine. Well, how do I start.."

Honestly, you have plenty on your mind that you want to say to him. Because u know that out of all the people you know, you know that Christian is the right person who you can talk about it.

But now that you've been keeping it for too long for yourself, you’re having a problem with putting it to words.

"How about starting on since when are you having this issues and keeping it to yourself so now you're stressing yourself about it?"

Again, you can’t help but laugh.

"What’s funny YN? Are you gone crazy?"

"Well, I think I am. Because just hearing you blabber makes my mind at ease. I don’t know how and why."

You know that you said something cheesy so you're waiting for his lame joke in return, but it’s just silence.

"Ba? Are you there?"

You heard him clear his throat.

"Damn YN, just answer my question will you?"

"Fine. It happens right after my one week stay there in Seoul. When I went back home, I talked to Mom about the plan I talked you about. She agreed and more excited about it. But when she opened what I told her to Dad, he closes the idea and ends up making my return to Dubai much early as planned. And he wants me to either renew my contract here or find another company. He also said that before making any stupid decision, I have to make sure that my future is secure. And he brought again the topic of him finding a man for me to marry. What the heck right. I mean he's saying that before but I thought is all lame jokes but now he is serious with that arrange marriage thing? Aaargh!"

You paused to breathe and try to stop the tears that I've been holding.

"Did your Dad know that you went here in Seoul and met me before making that plan?"

"I think so. I show the pictures to Mom that I took there and also with the crew. Why?"

"I think it’s my entire fault YN. Sorry."

"Huh? Sorry for what? How can it be your fault?"

"Well, if what I think is correct then it’s really my fault. But I'm not sure."

I heard his sight, a deep and long one. And I can’t stop wondering why.

"How? Christian?"

"You need to get some sleep YN. It’s already late there."

"Oh no! Don’t give me that bull Christian. You need to tell me how it is your fault? And what’s the sorry for?"

Silence.

"I'm waitin Christian Yu. Or should I call you so you can just answer my question?"

"God, YN. You and your impatience is really something."

"Are you going to tell me or you're just going to tell me?"

And it’s his turn to laugh at you.

"Aigooo. Thanks for that very considerate choice YN."

"I'm listening Ian."

"So Bossy! Just like your father."

"BAROM YU!"

"Yes! First, I'm not sure if it’s really my fault. But given the fact that your Dad knew we met since your two years abroad, then I think it has something to do with the talk we had two years ago."

"Two years ago? You and Dad talk? About what?"

"Before your departure to Dubai. Remember the crew and I stayed 3 days in your home town to bond and decided to extend one more day just so we can send you off on the day of your flight?"

You nod your head as if he can see you.

"We stayed at your house that last day remember?"

Again you nod. As if he can see you, stupid.

"And that night, your boyfriend told you that he can’t come along to the airport with us. You told him it’s okay, but you cried like a water falls that night."

"EX-BOYFRIEND now, yeah I remember. And now that I think about it, you stayed in my room just to console me and to make sure that I won’t stay up late. And that’s the last time I saw you because the next morning you're gone. They say that you had to go back to Seoul immediately due to some work issue. I keep calling you but I can’t get a hold of you."

"Because right after I left your room, I saw your Dad drinking on the terrace and I don’t know what kind of spirit came to me that made me go and talk to him."

He paused and I'm sure I can hear his hand touching either his hair or his cheeks.

"What did the two you talked about Christian?"

“Well, what do you think we can talk about on that time?”

"Huh?"

"Back then, I kind of told your Dad what I really feel. Well now, I don’t know if this will make any sense to you or if you will take this seriously but I told him three years ago. At first, I asked him if he believed in love at first sight. He said no.

But I told him that I do believe in such. Because there this girl that I met, and what I felt was extraordinary, it’s somewhat like "SPARK AT FIRST SIGHT".

And I tried to ignore what I felt towards that girl because I know if I entertain that feeling it will just go nowhere. But the second time I saw how pure and kind she is, I admit that it’s a "crush at second sight" for her.

And the third time I saw her, we got a chance to somehow get to know little but enough from each other, and that’s the day I surrender that it’s "LOVE AT THIRD SIGHT"."

I think I know where this is going, but I still need to be sure so I keep all that I want to say for myself, for now.

"After that, he told me that he admires my ways and ask if that girl is already my girl. But I said no because after that day I saw her with someone else and what I felt is one-sided and for that my heart got "BROKEN AT FOURTH SIGHT".

But I told him that I'll make sure that she will be my wife someday. It’s just that it’s not yet our time back then."

"Barom-"

"No YN, let me finish please."

You didn’t say or more likely you can’t say anything. You think your mind is on a chaos mode.

"Your dad figure who the girl I was talking about, he said that we're two different people and still young and for me who hasn't figured out my life while you're already on the path towards what he planned for you. But he got mad when I said that you need to live the life you want not what he planned. And I'm certain that you and I are for each other and there will be a day that I will tell you how I felt and you and I can make our own life to live happily.

I know that it’s stupid of me that I'm saying this now and thru the phone but. I just don't know what to do YN. I'm confused and scared."

You kept quiet for a while. Then you found yourself looking on the screen of your phone. Dumbfounded on what Christian Yu is saying. Your best friend that you treated like your big brother, rather than your own.

You’re confused. The things running thru your mind is kept on filling up. And you just can handle it all at once. So you just press the end button on the screen without saying anything to him.

You tried to breathe just to calm yourself.

But not a minute pass and your phone rings.

And it’s Christian.

'Aaah! So it’s not a dream.'

While looking at the caller ID on your phone, all that he said is slowly sinking in.

'So he likes me back then? Does he still feel the same way till now? Nah, that’s impossible. But now that I think of it, it just makes things more clear. All the favors I asked of him, he never once he refuses and all I thought it’s because he thinks of me as a little sister that he never had.

Aaargh! My head is aching because of this overthinking.'

Your attention return to your phone that keeps on ringing, you decided to reject his calls and send him a message.

'Sorry Christian, talk to you later once I figure things out.'

It’s already late and in just 3hrs you need to go for your work. You stress yourself if you will sleep of just waiting for the time. But then you fell asleep and woke up to the sound of your alarm.

'Another day but same old problems, please no more new ones. Let me settle my entire problem first and give me a rest! Please!'

TO BE CONTINUE...

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9

A/N: what do you think about this chapter? Talk to me, don’t be shy. I won’t bite. Have a good day/night everyone!

Y/N Portrayer in collage is @Mari_jasmmn ~ check her out in IG (GIRL CRUSH)

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alpsss · 5 years

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everyone liked my eyes today

I knew on thursday when he came round several times ‘i intentionally wanted to roast F in front of J’, and commented on my tattoo, that suddenly it all came back to me the tension that always existed. and when he said friday, tomorrow was the last day and the show would close and i said i would go. and in the morning he asked again if i was really coming. and after lunch he asked what i was up to, the plans for the day. ‘did you already notice i dont make eye contact i find it bloody distracting’ Actually shes abit like you Im drawn to girls with a certain sadness I like the messed up ones, I still gravitate towards the art types In the cab- dating is hard because no one gets the artist life, how you’re freelance, juggling a bunch of things I’ve always called them ‘partners’ not ‘girlfriends’ I don’t give it so easily I guard it a lot cos im all about my heart, im not about my brain Estella what would you like-lets do Jap food its Friday ‘I want to touch it’ ‘Only cos its you’ ‘What about you do you stay with your parents’ Similar upbringing, him referencing my sister,Have I not told you this? – said repeatedly I guess this is the first time we are properly speaking Im kidding, I’ll stop messing with you I take things so literally that I need to mess with the world as a game to deal His Aspergers ‘Youre a neurotypical- neuro means brain- you have high EQ dont get me wrong thats good’ im lacking in the emotional part cos im a T and youre an F so you guys are better. ‘now that you know me, or that you are getting to know me’ Sounds really get to him- drilling, ambulances are the worst ‘Atypical’ on Netflix Did you glue every strand of grass ‘well, I scattered it’ That’s why ive such a soft spot for Sean The night is when he makes work- is your house very neat cos his dad is OCD- all his work-making happens outside I don’t know what Love is but I know what it Isnt Rainer Maria Rilke ‘Letters to a Young Poet’ is my bible – ‘and I thought you were a Christian’ There was this girl I was sleeping with who was ENFP and she was going on about how ENFP and INTJs are the most compatible Well look at you things worked out for you you’re good, you’re married ‘He’s Kiwi’ ‘Is he an artist?’ ‘But he gets art, its not like Sharon’s..that was why I broke up with my first one’ ‘Its not like married and game over’ Living, why im alive Its my art cause All the moments and connections and love, etc And he acknowledges it too Being human-being adept at the brain? Rather I’d rather simple naivete You are such a modernist (he says hes a post-modernist) We’re from vicious apes we are inately evil ‘i still choose to believe everyone is inherently good- but you know already that im an idealist’ Its not bout being human and staying alive but not wrestling with it, just sitting idle Telling me about his fishing – and showing me pictures Telling me about Sab’s family history, and sharing about his fam. His OCD dad driving Grab, his brother not actually a weirdo gamer but is probably going to marry his first girlfriend, ‘another breakup and it will actually ruin your sister’, K and S, F and S, R and Levy and S Long, we went down the damn list Bitching about Sab like him showing me her plagerised posts and when I told him she goes ‘hows things? Slow?’ Do you want kids- or is this too early/weird to ask I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids ‘you say this now but if your partner wanted to get married you probably would’ ‘probably’ ‘the one you marry might not be the one you’re most connected to’ ‘why do you not want kids, you’d be such a good dad’ ‘are you high’ ‘no its true, I can see how you are with the students’ ‘well youre brave and youre doing it’ – my art fight when I said I was well-loved and had a great set of parents ‘yea I can see that’ ‘your parents have a good marriage?’ ‘yea how about yours, good too?’ ‘well yea but they love to fight that’s their thing they love to fight, I don’t’ ‘well that’s good right, healthy fighting’ ‘I love women- colour blind-scottish, swedish, asian-american, an indian in between somewhere’ the broken bridge artwork The Fishtank and galerie fish,also he gets that people are fishing in the gallery– I told him when he brought up his fishing Art is Universal- said in the cab and he started opening up ‘You can come for lunch if you want and them come with me’ When we were in his fog room and I was having a dialogue with him, with the students And his student said something provoking Or when Clara walks in and she recognizes me and he said ‘famous, youre famous’ ‘Where do you live’ My dad is coming to get me and we’re going to get some food and then Im going to come back and take down the pieces Me and Raymond are similar because we’re open Rare that you can say something and id be like ‘HELL NO’ Im free-spirited ‘yea you’re more agnostic’ ZH pushes his own agenda more ‘yea but that’s because hes so passionate he seriously cant help it’ R just likes someone to reminisce the streets of London with When I said R just started knowing Im a painter, I make work ‘you have a way more exciting practice than he does’‘Youre on your way, youre doing great’ Talking about oweing your parents and he went out fishing before his parents came to visit I feel the same way- about needing to repay parents- or feel indebted ‘but there are things I cant reveal to them’ when I say ive a completely open relationship with my parents, anything goes, no filter Showing me his back scar ‘i once showed a girl and she started crying’ ‘im high now btw’- and he smokes up like 5-6-7 things I don’t even keep count Telling me about his jailtime for 26 hours, how his ex wasn’t there for him The last one was more typical, asian, Christian, one day decided I was too ‘sinful’ for her and she couldn’t deal – I might write her a letter to apologize And his grandmother and how they found her on a Sunday- how the emotions set in later, through the initial parts he was all rational and calm even though his brother was hysterical ‘I KNOW your work I saw the wall I just didn’t know that was you’ ‘Yea when I first met you I did feel like whats with this person’ ‘there you go’ Shes like you- cares about people, sees the good. how Sab is eroding away the nanyang style way too quick and too fast. S and S ‘similar types that the vice d can dominate. Rilke says be patient, they are already doing the best they can to ‘get it’- the face that both moms visited the schools with us.

Crazy shit friday

I mean i always knew the chemistry sort of existed, was underlying, or something sensed that it was going to be more than normal getting to hang out with him. But you can talk to someone but not Know-Know them in such a way, ever. you can go about in your day to day and something like this just stops you right in your tracks. and you go along, because your instincts are dying to take this ride into the exciting abyss, but also you recognize its short-lived and its made more precious that it isnt reality. you do not have to act on things/have ownership for it to take special place in the recesses of your soul (i even spoke about Soul and innerblink, how the soul is what created those things outside when he woke up with the image and started making-its spirituality rather than practised religion- dude, what can we not talk about). you just..savour it and you delight in it when its actually taking place. like ive been conscious of doing so-taking breaths and pausing while the good stuffs happening, the capital L-I-F-E is happening because i understand its rare and its beautiful and you never know when its going to next happen to you...so yea these are the things that really feed me, what i live for. its just deeply special and i wonder if he feels the same way too. aka its 7am post-yesterday and i wonder whats he thinking/is he?

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pinkalbum · 7 years

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my dad @louddy tagged me in this and i love talking about myself sorry this is so long

THE LAST…

 1. Drink: coffee !  2. Phone call: my mama  3. Text message: my group chat but technically @bootyau 4. Song you listened to: jesus loves me because i’m in louisiana rn so the only thing playing is country or christian rock lol 5. Time you cried: i don’t remember

HAVE YOU EVER 6. Dated someone twice: yes  7. Been cheated on: yes  8. Kissed someone and regretted it: yes  9. Lost someone special: yes  10. Been depressed: yes always ! clinically !  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i threw up Once LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: baby blue, dark red, and i guess melon or peach IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…  15. Made new friends: yes  16. Fallen out of love: yes  17. Laughed until you cried: yes  18. Found out someone was talking about you: no lol  19. Met someone who changed you: uhhh idk i doing think so  20. Found out who your true friends are: no smskskks most of my friends aren’t true friends i am a high school student lol  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: well i only have 3 facebook friends because i made a facebook the other day to play family feud but my aunt my mom and my brothers ex girlfriend all decided to friend request me so all of them lol  23. Do you have any pets: not anymore 😔hopefully i’ll get a new pup soon  24. Do you want to change your name: nah it’s just my name it’s not that deep 25. What did you do for your last birthday: i went to buffalo wild wings with my family and i went to christmas village in philadelphia  26. What time did you wake up: idk like 8  27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching So You Think You’d Survive? 28. Name something you cannot wait for: getting a new pup!!!!!! also seeing harry in a year sjdjdk 29. When was the last time you saw your mother: monday night so about 5 days ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i had better grades and was just smarter academically   31. What are you listening to right now: a really loud air conditioner  32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i actually don’t think i have but maybe idk 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: the weather in louisiana !!! also all the conservatives around me but that was expected   34. Most visited website: probably instagram  35. Elementary: it good my grades were good back then lol  36. High School: my grades are bad and so is my will to live  37. College/university: im still in high school  38. Hair color: blonde  39. Long or short hair: short  40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope  41. What do you like about yourself: i guess i could hate my stomach More? so i guess my stomach lol idk i'm just not That insecure abt it  42. Piercings: just my ears but i don’t wear earrings  43. Blood type: 0 positive? i think? idk i’d text my mom and ask her but i’m in a different state and she’s always paranoid so she’d probably think i’m in the hospital dying and asking for medical reasons so i’ll just say 0 positive lol  44. Nickname: becca/becky/bex/bec by everyone, beccadecca/beccaboo by my mom, rooney/rooney tunes by both my parents mainly my dad, and rackdacka and becCAAAAW by my brother lmao 45. Relationship status: married to john f kennedy  46. Zodiac sign: sagittarius  47. Pronouns: she/her  48. Favorite tv show: psych, shameless, grace and frankie  49. Tattoos: i have a little stick and poke tattoo of a moon on my thumb  50. Right or left hand: right FIRST… 51. Surgery: none  52. Piercing: ears when i was like 6 or something  54. Sport: probably dance or soccer idk my mom always had me doing something  55. Vacation: channel islands cruise when i was 6 months old and the youngest passenger on the boat !  56. Pair of trainers: why would i know that 57. Eating: nothing  58. Drinking: nothing  59. I’m about to: sleep 60. Listening to: already answered but now it’s a dishwasher 61. Waiting for: sunday so i can go to new orleans  62. Want: my mom :/ also a good relationship and a dog  63. Get married: yes  64. Career: i wanna teach history at a community college but i have to start at high school which i’m lowkey dreading bc teenagers are whack YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs  66. Lips or eyes: eyes i guess idk i like both  67. Shorter or taller: taller taller taller   68. Older or younger: my age or within like 2 years older or younger  70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i do not care  71. Sensitive or loud: mix of the two?  72. Hook up or relationship: relationship   73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker HAVE YOU EVER…  74. Kissed a stranger?: no  75. Drank hard liquor?: yes  76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: often 77. Turned someone down: yes  78. Sex on first date: no  79. Broken someone’s heart: idk  80. Had your heart broken: my heart broke when my puppy died so yes  81. Been arrested: no that’s my brothers forte  82. Cried when someone died: yes  83. Fallen for a friend: yeah DO YOU BELIEVE IN…  84. Yourself: maybe .  85. Miracles: no  86. Love at first sight: no  87. Santa Claus: bye  88. Kiss on the first date: if u want i guess  89. Angels: no OTHER…  90. Current best friend’s name: kasey better known as “annoying” @stylinsketchy  91. Eye color: blue  92. Favorite movie: dazed and confused !

i tag: @stylinsketchy @bootyau @dancerharry @iconicbane

#long post

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f0rgiven-l0ved · 7 years

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fuck don't read this

It's so important to keep toxic people out of your life. And it is even more important to understand what being a toxic person entitles. Having to stay away is a whole different story, and a whole different kind of heart ache and pain. Toxic people are toxic because they are always coming back, and with them, comes problems, drama, pain and sadness. All these emotions and issues can be avoided by saying goodbye to these types of toxic people. This is to a certain guy that I met while I was waitressing at work. He was super cute and got super drunk, and when he left he competely over tipped me, as well as left his card with his number circled and on the back wrote, "Thanks for the pen. Text me". We talked for about a month and a half, and then one day I got the message, "I got back together with my ex". I was at the gym, and my heart dropped. Immediately I was overcome with sadness and anger, because again, I had let a toxic person into my life, without realizing how toxic he truly was. 2 months later I found out that it was only 48 hours after their relationship ended that ours started. Only 48 hours after their 3 year relationship, that I was completely unaware of. We didn't talk for about a year, it was a long time. No drunk texts, no communication what so ever. And then you added me "by accident" on snap chat, even though "by accident" was complete bullshit. And you messaged me a few times, drunk and bored. Only when you were drunk or bored and she wasn't around. And so I cut off our communication completely. A simple question I asked Sam, a simple question, "Are you still seeing her?" And I got nothing. You gave me no answer, then the next day I ask again, nothing. I got nothing. Finally I asked again, explaining that this is truly a yes or no question, nothing difficult. And then I got it, "yes". Immediately blocked, all means of communication cut off. Because I knew the negativity would get to me, I knew that our communicating could only lead to negative things. And then there's the other one. This goes out to you. I met him sophomore year of highschool, when I walked by his house as he was doing yard work outside. He was chubby, and definitely not completely done going through puberty, and neither was I. We weren't actual people, we are now though. We were young, teenage kids. About a week after we met, there was an argument and we stopped talking. When we somehow started talking again, I was told you had met someone and was already in a new relationship, but you told me we could still be friends. For two years I hardly saw you, and then you guys broke up, and I gave myself to you. And I knew by that point that I was in love. And it hurt every single fucking day that she had you and I didn't, because I loved you so much. But through the entire fucking thing Kyle you made me believe that someday we could be together, you kept that possibility in the back of my mind and it only made me fall harder for you and hate your girlfriend even more, which made me hate myself more than I ever have. I hated myself for loving you and I hated you for loving her and not me. And then you were single, and we were going to work on things. You told me we could be together, you told me you were going to change and things were going to be better and things were going to be different. You said it to my fucking face. And then a week later, you're going to a Red Sox game with a "friend". And then out of no where, another slap to the face and dagger in my heart, she was yours and you were hers. But that didn't stop you did it Kyle? That didn't stop you from coming to my school pretending to sleep at Christian's when you were sleeping in my bed next to me. You talked to me like we were together, and time and time again I tried to cut you out of my life. I tried to fucking hard and I would be so sad and I felt completely fucking heart broken. I tried for almost a year and a half to push the thought of her out of my mind. I thought out of sight out of mind right? Wrong, I was so fucking wrong. When I saw you, I thought about her more than I could enjoy my time being with you. And when I did see you, I was more nervous about what the falling out would be that I couldn't even enjoy having you around me. Kyle, I still love you. I will always love you, no matter who you're with. When youre married I will love you, and when I am married I will still love you. You were the first person I gave myself too and I will never forget that. You were the first person that made me feel love and I can never forget that, no matter how hard I try. You fucked me up though Kyle, you really fucked me up. I don't think I will ever be able to open up to someone without having this unbearable fear of being tossed to the side like I'm nothing after i'm told i'm everything. The lying and the cheating and the secrets and the broken promises and the heart break and the pain and the sadness it all lead to this huge depression that I slowly began to drown into. Fuck you. This last one goes out to the most recent ass hole. Someone who I never thought could be so toxic, someone I hardly knew but also someone I didn't think would ever hurt me. I should have known from the beginning, that nothing was going to come of it. But the way things worked out, the way he touched me, the way he looked at me and the things that he said, I fell for him, so hard. You told me you didn't want to lead me on, but you didn't tell me why, and thats because when you started too, I told you to stop. Because I thought I knew what you were going to say, and I just didn't want to have to hear it out loud. You fucking dick head. I thought you were going to say you couldn't lead me on because you were graduating and starting your life, not because there was another girl in the picture. I fell for you, and there's no way that you didn't know I was falling for you. Fuck Mike you seriously hurt me so bad I really thought you were falling for me and I thought things were actually going to come out of what we were but nothing but a giant fucking let down was what I got from it. I still miss you, I still think about you and talk about you. You were the perfect guy, handsome, generous, kind, funny and always smiling. Your beautiful blue eyes shined even brighter under your jet black hair. Damn, I really thought there was something there, I still feel like a fucking idiot and I will say to this day that I never would have touched you Mike if you told me there was another girl I wouldn't have fucking touched you. All these people, toxic to me. And these peope are all men. I don't understand how at this point in my life I have had so many heartbreaks and let downs. Im fucking done with it but the next time I even get the slightest bit of attention I need to make sure I run the fuck away in the oppisite direction as fast as possible. I just want to fall in love with someone who loves me too, I just want something that wont end in my feelings trashed. I never want to let these toxic people back into my life but it's only a fucking matter of time. Fuck

#reading

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