#several of which apply to me

[quaranmine]

i hate researching things that are highly variable because i'll try to find an answer to a question and all the search results are like "well the answer depends on like 12 different parameters so there is no direct answer it just needs a professional to evaluate" and i'm like AUGHHGH

#partly because then i need file my questions down into something much more specific #which often requires me to make decisions on things i'd rather have kept vague #this applies to multiple things but i most often see it when researching medical information #because of course the treatment and evaluation of a condition is going to be based on the severeity and situation #so i'm like sigh. so no general rule? just 'it depends'? ur not gonna at least give me an average? cries

[aria0fgold]

Listening to a song cover of Sirius' Heart I found through a twitter mutual-kinda and it is squeezing my own heart.

#aria rants #i can apply this to sifloop. after im done being affected by the emotions that the song gives. this is sifloop to me #also i say mutual-kinda cuz i-- i dont know if we're mutuals-- i think??? maybe??? theyre following me so i think so??? #its the jp mhyk artist that tagged me and i embarrassingly messed up my english to. they quote retweeted that song #and with the help of google translate. they said that the song is really beautiful so i decided to give it a listen too! #and it sure is so beautiful... morse code shouldnt be making me want to cry but it does... that zuuu tto. part is soooo... ough #also like that morse code part sounding like zutto at some parts like ououuoghghgh??????????? #had to nyoom to look for the english translation and morse code translates to i love you and it sounds like zutto #which is japanese for forever and like ouououghghggh?!?!?!?!!?!? you cant... you cant do this to me #listening to several covers and the og of the song now. i need to etch this into my brain and heart and soul

[welcometogrouchland]

I support the "Batman was unfairly biased to Stephanie for XYZ reasons" crowd so strongly bc DC claims that Bruce is a master planner who is able to understand anyone's psychology but he didn't realize that literally every single one of Steph's problems as a teenager would've been solved by her joining a shitty punk band. If he couldn't figure that much out then he didn't understand her for a minute

#ramblings of a lunatic #PLEASE TALK TO ME I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ON STEPHANIE IN A SHITTY PUNK BAND #her bandmates have turned into ocs it's stage 5 at this point boys #anyway what is steph dealing w/ pre-52 as spoiler that got her in hot water? #1. the anger issues. easily fixed by her getting to scream about beating her dad to death without actually doing it #2. nobody fucking listens to her (including batman). well when u are playing music ppl are definitely fucking listening #3. has no non-batfam friends and thus ends up feeling abandoned almost every time she gets kicked out of the group. bandmates are friends! #don't like being in your shitty house? go to your band mates house and jam! #need to articulate the anger issues in a way that doesn't disturb your frazzled paranoid boyfriend? write angsty songs! #also I do genuinely have a lot of thoughts on how music was applied to Stephanie's character and what it tells us about her #like she loved it. clearly. and she was GOOD at it too. steph is constantly perceived as a screw up and has pretty low opinion of herself #piano was something she could take pride in. in i believe issue 113 of tims og robin series- #-tim is AMAZED at her playing all these years later. so is nocturna a few issues earlier #there's a standard visual language in comics for good or bad music- notation drawn in either shaky or smooth lines #stephs are all smooth and golden. she's good even after all these years of not practicing #but all she says to tim after he compliments her is ''i used to be better...'' SHE SEES THE WORST IN HERSELF AND HER ABILITIES #SHE DESERVES A CHANCE TO FEEL GOOD AT AT LEAST ONE THING LIKE SHE FINALLY GOT TO AS BATGIRL IN HER SOLO #and onto my final point: dinah has several times expressed some degree of fondness/admiration for steph. steph has likewise trained w dinah #and thinks she's cool as fuck. which makes sense. bc dinah is cool as fuck #and what is dinah in??? that's right. a band #steph should join dinahs band for her mental health. this has been an essay #stephanie brown #spoiler dc #dc batgirl #batgirls #<- since that series re-canonized pianist steph!! bless them!

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[cringecomplex]

desperate for a new living situation to accommodate my pretty much disabling neuropsychological issues 🥲 pleaseeeeee hire meeeee

#im not sure if im allowed to call my severe exec dysfunction and social anxiety disabling #but considering its a huge barrier to me eating regular and healthy meals i feel like maybe im allowed? #if anyone has any thoughts on this im all ears #anyways i really need this job i applied for... im so hopeful but maybe i shouldnt be #they are hiring two people though which is huge for my odds

[sparky-is-spiders]

I... don't think I've ever participated in a ship week before? Or even made serious ship art? But I'm very fond of JE and I really wanted to. Other things I am fond of: TMA vampires! So I made Jon one. If you're wondering how that works... I'd say don't worry about it but I actually have several ideas.

Jon was always a vampire, he's just a weird, more sentient mutant. Elias wants to study him.

All TMA vampires are sentient, they're just also too hungry to care about things like morals or leading a regular life outside of feeding. Jon is different, Elias wants to study him.

Jon is currently in the process of being turned (just because it hasn't been observed in-universe doesn't mean it couldn't have happened). Elias wants to study him (but if he's not careful his fun new science project WILL eat him).

Art under the cut (along with the refs I use for them).

Also kept in a sketch of vampire Jon that I was proud of. I don't usually work with that angle (or with any kind of poses, which is. hmmmm.) so I'm really happy with what I managed there actually.

Too tired/busy (college move-in day is tomorrow and my cat had to get vaccines in today) so I didn't go for much of a background beyond "vaguely implied wood floors."

Also yes it is very important that Elias hold Jon's weird freaky vampire tongue like that. For science. And no other reasons.

Here are their refs! Elias has one hand on Jon's back/shoulder and the other behind his back because I didn't want to draw hands. They're anthro because I don't want to draw humans (furry). Jon is a tortoiseshell cat, Elias is a common genet (because when I thought of Elias designs my mind immediately went to my tiny toy Civet for reasons that are beyond my understanding). Also gave Jon a file folder because I thought he should have one.

(bonus message from my cat Jenny, who found it necessary to walk across my keyboard while I was making this post: bn nnnnnbngh)

#wish I had one harder on the height difference on the vamp one but I had already drawn enough Elias that the prospect of starting over was #not very appealing #perhaps being/becoming a vampire made jon taller somehow #also can you tell what my favorite color is yet? #I know it's been /very/ subtle #I've only included it on basically all the designs I've posted to tumblr #(it's green it's green it's green #but it's especially bright eyesearing lime/acid green) #other JE week stuff might be late because of the aforementioned college move-in day. to a college several states over. which means hours in #the car (with poor Jenny. who (understandably) DESPISES the trip/being stuck in the Cage of Doom (carrying case)) #also tortoiseshell jon IS meant to imply that he's trans masc (which has absolutely nothing to do with any projection I may or may not be #constantly doing to his character) #animal/cat genetics mean nothing to me unless I can use them to imply a headcanon I'm fond of. #anyway now onto the non-rambly tags #jonelias #joneliasweek2023 #body horror tw #tw body horror #(for the vampire mouth biology (I think body horror is the tag that would apply here?)) #sparkarts

[suncaptor]

Thinking about how in Ghana there was this psychiatrist at my uni who wanted to see me every week, who took my seriously, who had me repeat what they didn't understand through my anxious speaking and accent, who monitored my fears and didn't let them cloud their treatment of me, who got me on a med and saw me frequently enough to know how to adjust it, who saw me at really bad place and I was doing so much better within a month.... sighs

#incoherents #vent #also. he did not think I had bipolar but was just so severely depressed and had such intense panic/anxiety/ocd that any level state felt #manic to me. which. gbkskckakkd ueah #like ive also TRIED to replicate citalopram since and its never worked right. damn maybe i should apply to grad school in Ghana just for #that 🙄🙄 the people at the school also like cared if i lived or died. bizarre i know

[eelslippers]

Ngl I started using he/him alongside they/them entirely because one of my ocs goes by they/him and if they can serve nonbinary boycunt then so can I

#eelslippers #ocs #lgbtq #nonbinary #trans #trans masc #all angels in my campaign are technically genderless. human gender norms doesnt really apply technically #but i have several angels who are various degrees of masculine feminine and angrogynous #and the oc this post is referencing is the angel of death azrael and he looks more masculine but has long hair and is gender envy for me #but compared to other angels despite that fact they are completely nonbinary to me. like even angels have their appearance preferences #i use they/him interchangeably with them because they always change form because death wears many faces. they even have a feminine form #in their original design they were much more feminine while still going by he/him. i relate a lot to him so they were my inspiration. #which compared to my other angel characters even though the culture around gender is different he feels more nonbinary coded. #i need to draw more so i can post about my angels more because i talk about them alot

[hangingslothcentral]

whenever i start a new project, i find myself going on a little journey across the internet looking for advice on starting new projects. i know how to do it, but i'm always curious about other people's ideas. most of the stuff i read is aimed at new creators who don't know how to get things off the ground at all.

one thing that strikes me about it is that there isn't really any consensus about how to start something, and i think that's really great! there's a million ways to approach a problem, and (short of solutions which harm or exploit others) none of them are wrong if they're the one that's working best for you.

still, a significant number of the articles i read position themselves as having The Answer for how to make a thing. i think a lot of people sorta feel they have to frame their advice like this in order to give the impression that they know what they're talking about.

sometimes as i'm reading i get gripped with a sense of panic about it, a feeling of 'oh no i'm doing things WRONG', or concern that two ideas about new approaches which I've found would be interesting to try cannot be applied at the same time to the same project.

but! advice between one article and the next isn't necessarily going to carry over or map on perfectly. many pieces of advice about starting projects is going to be contradictory based on your sources. it makes me wonder how many people get caught in a loop of trying to take ALL the advice, even when it would be impossible to do so.

sometimes ripping out your whole process and starting from the ground up is the best thing you can do, creatively, but in many circumstances, taking the pieces of advice which will most meaningfully help you redirect your existing skills whilst leaving behind the things that don't serve you? that's also a valid and worthwhile thing to do!

drawing on the knowledge and experience of others is an important practice whatever stage you're at in your life as a creator of things. learning new methods and techniques can help you develop your own practice and sharing knowledge is incredibly important. just remember that there are many ways to solve the same problem, and part of what makes your creations unique are your approaches as an individual. it is impossible to take all of the advice! do continue to seek it out, and also know that you're not disrespecting it by deciding it's not something which will help.

above all, keep creating stuff!

--- Eira xxx

#eira speaks #yeah idk this has been on my mind a lot whilst i'm setting up New Thing #i sometimes start to panic that i'm ignoring sound advice #i have a bit of a tendency to read any online criticism of any artistic process as potentially applicable to my processes #even when it just patently would not apply #so this is a thing which has occurred to me on several occasions #idk i just wanted to talk about it in case there are other anxious creators like me who get stuck with this feeling #of like 'oh no i have to take ALL THE ADVICE but it is IMPOSSIBLE' like yeah no it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE #you're not failing yourself by being incapable of getting contradictory advice to work cohesively together lmao #you're not disregarding criticism by not finding it to be particularly helpful in shaping a direction for you to move forward

[doyoueverwonderwhy]

The insurance at my last job took Forever to process claims so I got a bill for all of my Q1 services in May (the week I got fired 🙃) and have been working at that balance since June.

Today I got notice that they just processed a visit from APRIL - it took them EIGHT MONTHS to process a routine therapy visit so now I get to make payments on that balance for Another few months and I want to cry about it.

#im gonna take a second to feel sorry for myself here #i have applied to 144 jobs in the last 7 months and interviewed for 39 of them #i picked up a part time job to bridge the gap which still took several applications and now theyre cutting hours for the slow season #best case scenario has still had me draining a few hundred from my savings each month #and now i get to add another 250 to that balance hanging over my head 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

[erela-tsisdu]

Rant about family's antisemitism now out of the way, there is something I've been thinking about.

I traced my Sephardic ancestry through my dad's side, and that's what I've been connecting to. However, my grandma had, around that same time, found very distant Ashkenazi ancestry on her side.

It has really made me wonder... Is that something I'd be able to claim & connect to? I've been slowly learning more & more about my Sephardic roots for the last few years because I want to learn more about the culture. I have no idea how far back the Ashkenazic ancestry is on grandma's side. I'd feel real uncomfortable & out of line if it's not something I can claim.

I do find I use Yiddish slang. I don't even think. It just comes to me. My congregation has people of all backgrounds attending, but there is more emphasis on Ashkenazic culture.

Is this a result of me subconsciously wanting to connect with that distant ancestry? Is it a result of Ashkenormativity in the Jewish community? I don't know. It's hard for me to tell.

I already struggle with my racial & ethnic identities a lot because I'm mixed race. I thought I only was Aniyunwiya on both sides of my family because I grew up knowing this. That is, until mom told me within the last couple of years that my dad is also Chahta. There's a lot to learn.

And now this.

The struggles I've gone through in regards to my Indigenous identity has been ongoing since I was a kid. I'm having to reconnect on my own because I don't talk to my dad anymore (for a variety of reasons) & my mom... Hasn't exactly been the best person to go to about this. She's not been too supportive of my decision to reconnect.

I'm rambling quite a bit now, aren't I?

I've definitely had many years to think about this & many years to go sifting through this.

#eira rambles #judaism #jewish #jumblr #native tumblr #ndn tumblr #indigenous #ndn #mixed race #Honestly all of this could apply to several other aspects of my identity as well #like being an abinary genderfluid/genderqueer enby #There's a lot of boxes I don't neatly fit into #which has left me with having many complicated feelings #I'm real glad I have other mixed race folks in my circle I can talk to about this #because they feel similar about their identities #and understand the struggles that come with it #Anyways #I do plan on talking to my rabbis about this #but I also wanted to get this out here.

[mademoisellesarcasme]

my (probably incomplete) list of marketable skills:

drafting (AutoCAD)

graphic design (Adobe Creative Suite)

data entry and wrangling (Excel, Google Sheets)

proofreading, copy editing, developmental editing (incl. MS Word + Track Changes and Adobe PDF edits/notes)

sewing (hand and machine)

pattern drafting and adjustment (flat)

paperwork management

archive navigation

miscellaneous handy jobs???

fashion? consulting?????

#oh and there's the part where i'm visibly pregnant and due in early february. #you know. that bit. #anyway i'm making this list to try to make myself feel better even though i still haven't been contacted about any job to which i've applie #in the past ... several months #i'm out of Guys to Know to Help Me Out Getting a Job and i'm running out of money and. i'm scared. #we have a local friend we can lean on if/when things continue to go south/badly #but like. there's no end in sight. #my husband and i are overeducated and underemployed.

[scp2337]

hey why the FUCK does summer make me so sad

#its been over a week #and it minda happens every year but moreso this year by far #i get like. seasonal depression but reversed bc it happens during summer #i hate the heat and if it hits 80f before noon i get filled with dread #i know i have a reversed circadian rhythym which is why i work rlly well on my 4pm-11pm shifts but like #does that like. apply to seasons? #i FLOURISH in winter #the long nights. the cold. the clouds. #i also have a heat intolerance and start sweating at 70F. even when i was underweight #my friend said maybe it could be the pressure to flourish in Summer like everyone else does #which is probably a part of it too #especially bc i work at a resort #idk idk idk im just suffering and have woken up crying several days in a row #morg talks #delete later #if youre still reading this hiiii i love you! so sorry for the uhhhhhhh Shit Show that im about to become over the next few months #just bear with me until fall hits

[exposed-concrete]

can i come over and impress you with my absolute lack of pop culture knowledge

#i'd like to think i'm not even that bad thanks to the many hours spent on the absorbing fandom through dash osmosis website #but on several occasions i've seen people say things like ''watching reading listening to xy is a universal experience'' and .. #Brother you can't even imagine the size of the rock i live under #this mostly applies to childhood/nostalgia stuff btw (which for me is everything from the 00s)