#shirtless kiwi

[anadorablekiwi]

Hmmm

Might write another lil ‘Eli and Squire being cute and oblivious’ oneshot drabble…

#kiwi rambles #the whole ‘walks in on him training shirtless and gets flustered’ trope randomly popped in my head #I know ive done it before but still #i think that one was just oot zelink

[rhysdarbinizedarby]

Couch surfer in his 30s. Oscar winner in his 40s. Why the whole world wants Taika

**Notes: This is very long post!**

Good Weekend

In his 30s, he was sleeping on couches. By his 40s, he’d directed a Kiwi classic, taken a Marvel movie to billion-dollar success, and won an Oscar. Meet Taika Waititi, king of the oddball – and one of New Zealand’s most original creative exports.

Taika Waititi: “Be a nice person and live a good life. And just don’t be an arsehole.”

The good news? Taika Waititi is still alive. I wasn’t sure. The screen we were speaking through jolted savagely a few minutes ago, with a cacophonous bang and a confused yelp, then radio silence. Now the Kiwi ­ filmmaker is back, grinning like a loon: “I just broke the f---ing table, bro!”

Come again? “I just smashed this f---ing table and glass flew everywhere. It’s one of those old annoying colonial tables. It goes like this – see that?” Waititi says, holding up a folding furniture leg. “I hit the mechanism and it wasn’t locked. Anyway …”

I’m glad he’s fine. The stuff he’s been saying from his London hotel room could incur biblical wrath. We’re talking about his latest project, Next Goal Wins, a movie about the American Samoa soccer team’s quest to score a solitary goal, 10 years after suffering the worst loss in the game’s international history – a 31-0 ­ignominy to Australia – but our chat strays into ­spirituality, then faith, then religion.

“I don’t personally believe in a big guy sitting on a cloud judging everyone, but that’s just me,” Waititi says, deadpan. “Because I’m a grown-up.”

This is the way his interview answers often unfold. Waititi addresses your topic – dogma turns good people bad, he says, yet belief itself is worth lauding – but bookends every response with a conspiratorial nudge, wink, joke or poke. “Regardless of whether it’s some guy living on a cloud, or some other deity that you’ve made up – and they’re all made up – the message across the board is the same, and it’s important: Be a nice person, and live a good life. And just don’t be an arsehole!”

Not being an arsehole seems to have served Waititi, 48, well. Once a national treasure and indie darling (through the quirky tenderness of his breakout New Zealand films Boy in 2010 and Hunt for the Wilderpeople in 2016), Waititi then became a star of both the global box office (through his 2017 entry into the Marvel Universe, Thor: Ragnarok, which grossed more than $1.3 billion worldwide) and then the Academy Awards (winning the 2020 best adapted screenplay Oscar for his subversive Holocaust dramedy JoJo Rabbit, in which he played an imaginary Hitler).

Waititi playing Adolf Hitler in the 2019 movie JoJo Rabbit. (Alamy)

A handsome devil with undeniable roguish charm, Waititi also slid seamlessly into style-icon status (attending this year’s Met Gala shirtless, in a floor-length gunmetal-grey Atelier Prabal Gurung wrap coat, with pendulous pearl necklaces), as well as becoming his own brand (releasing an eponymous line of canned ­coffee drinks) and bona fide Hollywood A-lister (he was introduced to his second wife, British singer Rita Ora, by actor Robert Pattinson at a barbecue).

Putting that platform to use, Waititi is an Indigenous pioneer and mentor, too, co-creating the critically acclaimed TV series Reservation Dogs, while co-founding the Piki Films production company, committed to promoting the next generation of storytellers – a mission that might sound all weighty and worthy, yet Waititi’s new wave of First Nations work is never earnest, always mixing hurt with heart and howling humour.

Waititi with wife Rita Ora at the 2023 Met Gala in May. (Getty Images)

Makes sense. Waititi is a byproduct of “the weirdest coupling ever” – his late Maori father from the Te Whanau-a-Apanui tribe was an artist, farmer and “Satan’s Slaves” bikie gang founder, while his Wellington schoolteacher mum descended from Russian Jews, although he’s not devout about her faith. (“No, I don’t practise,” he confirms. “I’m just good at everything, straight away.”)

He’s remained loyally tethered to his ­origin story, too – and to a cadre of creative Kiwi mates, including actors Jemaine Clement and Rhys Darby – never forgetting that not long before the actor/writer/producer/director was an industry maven, he was a penniless painter/photographer/ musician/comedian.

With no set title and no fixed address, he’s seemingly happy to be everything, everywhere (to everyone) all at once. “‘The universe’ is bandied around a lot these days, but I do believe in the kind of connective tissue of the universe, and the energy that – scientifically – we are made up of a bunch of atoms that are bouncing around off each other, and some of the atoms are just squished together a bit tighter than others,” he says, smiling. “We’re all made of the same stardust, and that’s pretty special.”

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We’ve caught Waititi in a somewhat relaxed moment, right before the screen actors’ and media artists’ strike ends. He’s ­sensitive to the struggle but doesn’t deny enjoying the break. “I spent a lot of time thinking about writing, and not writing, and having a nice ­holiday,” he tells Good Weekend. “Honestly, it was a good chance just to recombobulate.”

Waititi, at right, with Hunt for the Wilderpeople actors, from left, Sam Neill, Rhys Darby and Julian Dennison. (Getty Images)

It’s mid-October, and he’s just headed to Paris to watch his beloved All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup. He’s deeply obsessed with the game, and sport in general. “Humans spend all of our time knowing what’s going to happen with our day. There’s no surprises ­any more. We’ve become quite stagnant. And I think that’s why people love sport, because of the air of unpredictability,” he says. “It’s the last great arena entertainment.”

The main filmic touchstone for Next Goal Wins (which premieres in Australian cinemas on New Year’s Day) would be Cool Runnings (1993), the unlikely true story of a Jamaican bobsled team, but Waititi also draws from genre classics such as Any Given Sunday and Rocky, sampling trusted tropes like the musical training montage. (His best one is set to Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears.)

Filming in Hawaii was an uplifting experience for the self-­described Polynesian Jew. “It wasn’t about death, or people being cruel to each other. Thematically, it was this simple idea, of getting a small win, and winning the game wasn’t even their goal – their goal was to get a goal,” he says. “It was a really sweet backbone.”

Waititi understands this because, growing up, he was as much an athlete as a nerd, fooling around with softball and soccer before discovering rugby league, then union. “There’s something about doing exercise when you don’t know you’re doing exercise,” he enthuses. “It’s all about the fun of throwing a ball around and trying to achieve something together.” (Whenever Waititi is in Auckland he joins his mates in a long-running weekend game of touch rugby. “And then throughout the week I work out every day. Obviously. I mean, look at me.”)

Auckland is where his kids live, too, so he spends as much time there as possible. Waititi met his first wife, producer Chelsea Winstanley, on the set of Boy in 2010, and they had two daughters, Matewa Kiritapu, 8, and his firstborn, Te Kainga O’Te Hinekahu, 11. (The latter is a derivative of his grandmother’s name, but he jokes with American friends that it means “Resurrection of Tupac” or “Mazda RX7″) Waititi and Winstanley split in about 2018, and he married the pop star Ora in 2022.

He offers a novel method for balancing work with parenthood … “Look, you just abandon them, and know that the experience will make them harder individuals later on in life. And it’s their problem,” he says. “I’m going to give them all of the things that they need, and I’m going to leave behind a decent bank ­account for their therapy, and they will be just like me, and the cycle will continue.”

Jokes aside – I think he’s joking – school holidays are always his, and he brings the girls onto the set of every movie he makes. “They know enough not to get in the way or touch anything that looks like it could kill you, and they know to be respectful and quiet when they need to. But they’re just very comfortable around filmmakers, which I’m really happy about, because eventually I hope they will get into the ­industry. One more year,” he laughs, “then they can leave school and come work for Dad.”

Theirs is certainly a different childhood than his. Growing up, he was a product of two worlds. His given names, for instance, were based on his appearance at birth: “Taika David” if he looked Maori (after his Maori grandfather) and “David Taika” if he looked Pakeha (after his white grandfather). His parents split when he was five, so he bounced between his dad’s place in Waihau Bay, where he went by the surname Waititi, and his mum, eight hours drive away in Wellington, where he went by Cohen (the last name on his birth ­certificate and passport).

Waititi was precocious, even charismatic. His mother Robin once told Radio New Zealand that people always wanted to know him, even as an infant: “I’d be on a bus with him, and he was that kind of baby who smiled at people, and next thing you know they’re saying, ‘Can I hold your baby?’ He’s always been a charmer to the public eye.”

He describes himself as a cool, sporty, good-looking nerd, raised on whatever pop culture screened on the two TV channels New Zealand offered in the early 1980s, from M*A*S*H and Taxi to Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson. He was well-read, too. When punished by his mum, he would likely be forced to analyse a set of William Blake poems.

He puts on a whimpering voice to describe their finances – “We didn’t have much monneeey” – explaining how his mum spent her days in the classroom but also worked in pubs, where he would sit sipping a raspberry lemonade, doodling drawings and writing stories. She took in ­ironing and cleaned houses; he would help out, learning valuable lessons he imparts to his kids. “And to random people who come to my house,” he says. “I’ll say, ‘Here’s a novel idea, wash this dish,’ but people don’t know how to do anything these days.”

“Every single character I’ve ever written has been based on someone I’ve known or met or a story I’ve stolen from someone.” - Taika Waititi

He loved entertaining others, clearly, but also himself, recording little improvised radio plays on a tape deck – his own offbeat versions of ET and Indiana Jones and Star Wars. “Great free stuff where you don’t have any idea what the story is as you’re doing it,” he says. “You’re just sort of making it up and enjoying the ­freedom of playing god in this world where you can make people and characters do whatever you want.”

His other sphere of influence lay in Raukokore, the tiny town where his father lived. Although Boy is not autobiographical, it’s deeply personal insofar as it’s filmed in the house where he grew up, and where he lived a life similar to that portrayed in the story, surrounded by his recurring archetypes: warm grandmothers and worldly kids; staunch, stoic mums; and silly, stunted men. “Every single character I’ve ever written has been based on someone I’ve known or met,” he says, “or a story I’ve stolen from someone.”

He grew to love drawing and painting, obsessed early on with reproducing the Sistine Chapel. During a 2011 TED Talk on creativity, Waititi describes his odd subject matter, from swastikas and fawns to a picture of an old lady going for a walk … upon a sword … with Robocop. “My father was an outsider artist, even though he wouldn’t know what that meant,” Waititi told the audience in Doha. “I love the naive. I love people who can see things through an innocent viewpoint. It’s inspiring.”

After winning Best Adapted Screenplay Academy Award for JoJo Rabbit in 2020. (Getty Images)

It was an interesting time in New Zealand, too – a coming-of-age decade in which the Maori were rediscovering their culture. His area was poor, “but only ­financially,” he says. “It’s very rich in terms of the ­people and the culture.” He learned kapa haka – the songs, dances and chants performed by competing tribes at cultural events, or to honour people at funerals and graduations – weddings, parties, ­anything. “Man, any excuse,” he explains. “A big part of doing them is to uplift your spirits.”

Photography was a passion, so I ask what he shot. “Just my penis. I sent them to people, but we didn’t have phones, so I would print them out, post them. One of the first dick pics,” he says. Actually, his lens was trained on regular people. He watches us still – in airports, ­restaurants. “Other times late at night, from a tree. Whatever it takes to get the story. You know that.”

He went to the Wellington state school Onslow College and did plays like Androcles and the Lion, A Midsummer Night’s Dream and The Crucible. His crew of arty students eventually ended up on stage at Bats Theatre in the city, where they would perform haphazard comedy shows for years.

“Taika was always rebellious and wild in his comedy, which I loved,” says his high school mate Jackie van Beek, who became a longtime collaborator, including working with Waititi on a Tourism New Zealand campaign this year. “I remember he went through a phase of turning up in bars around town wearing wigs, and you’d try and sit down and have a drink with him but he’d be doing some weird character that would invariably turn up in some show down the track.”

He met more like-minded peers at Victoria University, including Jemaine Clement (who’d later become co-creator of Flight of the Conchords). During a 2019 chat with actor Elijah Wood, Waititi ­describes he and Clement clocking one another from opposite sides of the library one day: a pair of Maoris experiencing hate at first sight, based on a mutual suspicion of cultural appropriation. (Clement was wearing a traditional tapa cloth Samoan shirt, and Waititi was like: “This motherf---er’s not Samoan.” Meanwhile, Waititi was wearing a Rastafarian beanie, and Clement was like, “This ­motherf---er’s not Jamaican.”)

With Jemaine Clement in 2014. (Getty Images)

But they eventually bonded over Blackadder and Fawlty Towers, and especially Kenny Everett, and did comedy shows together everywhere from Edinburgh to Melbourne. Waititi was almost itinerant, spending months at a time busking, or living in a commune in Berlin. He acted in a few small films, and then – while playing a stripper on a bad TV show – realised he wanted to try life behind the camera. “I became tired of being told what to do and ordered around,” he told Wellington’s Dominion Post in 2004. “I remember sitting around in the green room in my G-string ­thinking, ‘Why am I doing this? Just helping someone else to realise their dream.’ ”

He did two strong short films, then directed his first feature – Eagle vs Shark (2007) – when he was 32. He brought his mates along (Clement, starring with Waititi’s then-girlfriend Loren Horsley), setting something of a pattern in his career: hiring friends instead of constantly navigating new working relationships. “If you look at things I’m doing,” he tells me, “there’s ­always a few common denominators.”

Sam Neill says Waititi is the exemplar of a new New Zealand humour. “The basis of it is this: we’re just a little bit crap at things.”

This gang of collaborators shares a common Kiwi vibe, too, which his longtime friend, actor Rhys Darby, once coined “the comedy of the mundane”. Their new TV show, Our Flag Means Death, for example, leans heavily into the mundanity of pirate life – what happens on those long days at sea when the crew aren’t unsheathing swords from scabbards or burying treasure.

Waititi plays pirate captain Blackbeard, centre, in Our Flag Means Death, with Rhys Darby, left, and Rory Kinnear. (Google Images)

Sam Neill, who first met Waititi when starring in Hunt for the Wilderpeople, says Waititi is the exemplar of a new New Zealand humour. “And I think the basis of it is this,” says Neill. “We’re just a little bit crap at things, and that in itself is funny.” After all, Neill asks, what is What We Do in The Shadows (2014) if not a film (then later a TV show) about a bunch of vampires who are pretty crap at being vampires, ­living in a pretty crappy house, not quite getting busted by crappy local cops? “New Zealand often gets named as the least corrupt country in the world, and I think it’s just that we would be pretty crap at being corrupt,” Neill says. “We don’t have the capacity for it.”

Waititi’s whimsy also spurns the dominant on-screen oeuvre of his homeland – the so-called “cinema of ­unease” exemplified by the brutality of Once Were Warriors (1994) and the emotional peril of The Piano (1993). Waititi still explores pathos and pain, but through laughter and weirdness. “Taika feels to me like an ­antidote to that dark aspect, and a gift somehow,” Neill says. “And I’m grateful for that.”

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Something happened to Taika Waititi when he was about 11 – something he doesn’t go into with Good Weekend, but which he considered a betrayal by the adults in his life. He ­mentioned it only recently – not the ­moment itself, but the lesson he learnt: “That you cannot and must not rely on grown-ups to help you – you’re basically in the world alone, and you’re gonna die alone, and you’ve just gotta make it all for yourself,” he told Irish podcast host James Brown. “I basically never forgave people in positions of responsibility.”

What does that mean in his work? First, his finest films tend to reflect the clarity of mind possessed by children, and the unseen worlds they create – fantasies conjured up as a way to understand or overcome. (His mum once summed up the main ­message of Boy: “The ­unconditional love you get from your children, and how many of us waste that, and don’t know what we’ve got.”)

Second, he’s suited to movie-making – “Russian roulette with art” – because he’s drawn to disruptive force and chaos. And that in turn produces creative defiance: allowing him to reinvigorate the Marvel Universe by making superheroes fallible, or tell a Holocaust story by making fun of Hitler. “Whenever I have to deal with someone who’s a boss, or in charge, I challenge them,” he told Brown, “and I really do take whatever they say with a pinch of salt.”

It’s no surprise then that Waititi was comfortable leaping from independent films to the vast complexity of Hollywood blockbusters. He loves the challenge of coordinating a thousand interlocking parts, requiring an army of experts in vocations as diverse as construction, sound, art, performance and logistics. “I delegate a lot,” he says, “and share the load with a lot of people.”

“This is a cool concept, being able to ­afford whatever I want, as opposed to sleeping on couches until I was 35.” - Taika Waititi

But the buck stops with him. Time magazine named Waititi one of its Most Influential 100 People of 2022. “You can tell that a film was made by Taika Waititi the same way you can tell a piece was painted by Picasso,” wrote Sacha Baron Cohen. Compassionate but comic. Satirical but watchable. Rockstar but auteur. “Actually, sorry, but this guy’s really starting to piss me off,” Cohen concluded. “Can someone else write this piece?”

Directing Chris Hemsworth in 2017 in Thor: Ragnarok, which grossed more than $1.3 billion at the box office. (Alamy)

I’m curious to know how he stays grounded amid such adulation. Coming into the game late, he says, helped immensely. After all, Waititi was 40 by the time he left New Zealand to do Thor: Ragnarok. “If you let things go to your head, then it means you’ve struggled to find out who you are,” he says. “But I’ve always felt very comfortable with who I am.” Hollywood access and acclaim – and the pay cheques – don’t erase memories of poverty, either. “It’s more like, ‘Oh, this is a cool concept, being able to ­afford whatever I want, as opposed to sleeping on couches until I was 35.’ ” Small towns and strong tribes keep him in check, too. “You know you can’t piss around and be a fool, because you’re going to embarrass your family,” he says. “Hasn’t stopped me, though.”

Sam Neill says there was never any doubt Waititi would be able to steer a major movie with energy and imagination. “It’s no accident that the whole world wants Taika,” he says. “But his seductiveness comes with its own dangers. You can spread yourself a bit thin. The temptation will be to do more, more, more. That’ll be interesting to watch.”

Indeed, I find myself vicariously stressed out over the list of potential projects in Waititi’s future. A Roald Dahl animated series for Netflix. An Apple TV show based on the 1981 film Time Bandits. A sequel to What We Do In The Shadows. A reboot of Flash Gordon. A gonzo horror comedy, The Auteur, starring Jude Law. Adapting a cult graphic novel, The Incal, as a feature. A streaming series based on the novel Interior Chinatown. A film based on a Kazuo Ishiguro bestseller. Plus bringing to life the wildly popular Akira comic books. Oh, and for good measure, a new instalment of Star Wars, which he’s already warned the world will be … different.

“It’s going to change things,” he told Good Morning America. “It’s going to change what you guys know and expect.”

Did I say I was stressed for Waititi? I meant physically sick.

“Well…” he qualifies, “some of those things I’m just producing, so I come up with an idea or someone comes to me with an idea, and I shape how ‘it’s this kind of show’ and ‘here’s how we can get it made.’ It’s easier for me to have a part in those things and feel like I’ve had a meaningful role in the creative process, but also not having to do what I’ve always done, which is trying to control everything.”

In the 2014 mockumentary horror film What We Do in the Shadows, which he co-directed with Jemaine Clement. (Alamy)

What about moving away from the niche New Zealand settings he represented so well in his early work? How does he stay connected to his roots? “I think you just need to know where you’re from,” he says, “and just don’t forget that.”

They certainly haven’t forgotten him.

Jasmin McSweeney sits in her office at the New Zealand Film Commission in Wellington, surrounded by promotional posters Waititi signed for her two decades ago, when she was tasked with promoting his nascent talent. Now the organisation’s marketing chief, she talks to me after visiting the heart of thriving “Wellywood”, overseeing the traditional karakia prayer on the set of a new movie starring Geoffrey Rush.

Waititi isn’t the first great Kiwi filmmaker – dual Oscar-winner Jane Campion and blockbuster king Peter Jackson come to mind – yet his particular ascendance, she says, has spurred unparalleled enthusiasm. “Taika gave everyone here confidence. He always says, ‘Don’t sit around waiting for people to say, you can do this.’ Just do it, because he just did it. That’s the Taika effect.”

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Taika David Waititi is known for wearing everything from technicolour dreamcoats to pineapple print rompers, and today he’s wearing a roomy teal and white Isabel Marant jumper. The mohair garment has the same wispy frizz as his hair, which curls like a wave of grey steel wool, and connects with a shorn salty beard.

A stylish silver fox, it wouldn’t surprise anyone if he suddenly announced he was launching a fashion label. He’s definitely a commercial animal, to the point of directing television commercials for Coke and Amazon, along with a fabulous 2023 spot for Belvedere vodka starring Daniel Craig. He also joined forces with a beverage company in Finland (where “taika” means “magic”) to release his coffee drinks. Announcing the partnership on social media, he flagged that he would be doing more of this kind of stuff, too (“Soz not soz”).

Waititi has long been sick of reverent portrayals of Indigenous people talking to spirits.

There’s substance behind the swank. Fashion is a creative outlet but he’s also bought sewing machines in the past with the intention of designing and making clothes, and comes from a family of tailors. “I learnt how to sew a button on when I was very young,” he says. “I learnt how to fix holes or patches in your clothes, and darn things.”

And while he gallivants around the globe watching Wimbledon or modelling for Hermès at New York Fashion Week, all that glamour belies a depth of purpose, particularly when it comes to Indigenous representation.

There’s a moment in his new movie where a Samoan player realises that their Dutch coach, played by Michael Fassbender, is emotionally struggling, and he offers a lament for white people: “They need us.” I can’t help but think Waititi meant something more by that line – maybe that First Nations people have ­wisdom to offer if others will just listen?

“Weeelllll, a little bit …” he says – but from his intonation, and what he says next, I’m dead wrong. Waititi has long been sick of reverent ­portrayals of Indigenous people talking to kehua (spirits), or riding a ghost waka (phantom canoe), or playing a flute on a mountain. “Always the boring characters,” he says. “They’ve got no real contemporary relationship with the world, because they’re always living in the past in their spiritual ways.”

A scene from Next Goal Wins, filmed earlier this year. (Alamy)

He’s part of a vanguard consciously poking fun at those stereotypes. Another is the Navajo writer and director Billy Luther, who met Waititi at Sundance Film Festival back in 2003, along with Reservation Dogs co-creator Sterlin Harjo. “We were this group of outsiders trying to make films, when nobody was really biting,” says Luther. “It was a different time. The really cool thing about it now is we’re all working. We persevered. We didn’t give up. We slept on each other’s couches and hung out. It’s like family.”

Waititi has power now, and is known for using Indigenous interns wherever possible (“because there weren’t those opportunities when I was growing up”), making important introductions, offering feedback on scripts, and lending his name to projects through executive producer credits, too, which he did for Luther’s new feature film, Frybread Face and Me (2023).

He called Luther back from the set of Thor: Love and Thunder (2022) to offer advice on working with child actors – “Don’t box them into the characters you’ve ­created,” he said, “let them naturally figure it out on their own” – but it’s definitely harder to get Waititi on the phone these days. “He’s a little bitch,” Luther says, laughing. “Nah, there’s nothing like him. He’s a genius. You just knew he was going to be something. I just knew it. He’s my brother.“

I’ve been asked to explicitly avoid political questions in this interview, probably because Waititi tends to back so many causes, from child poverty and teenage suicide to a campaign protesting offshore gas and oil exploration near his tribal lands. But it’s hard to ignore his recent Instagram post, sharing a viral video about the Voice to Parliament referendum starring Indigenous Aussie rapper Adam Briggs. After all, we speak only two days after the proposal is defeated. “Yeah, sad to say but, Australia, you really shat the bed on that one,” Waititi says, pausing. “But go see my movie!”

About that movie – the early reviews aren’t great. IndieWire called it a misfire, too wrapped in its quirks to develop its arcs, with Waititi’s directorial voice drowning out his characters, while The Guardian called it “a shoddily made and strikingly unfunny attempt to tell an interesting story in an uninteresting way”. I want to know how he moves past that kind of criticism. “For a start, I never read reviews,” he says, concerned only with the opinion of people who paid for admission, never professional appraisals. “It’s not important to me. I know I’m good at what I do.”

Criticism that Indigenous concepts weren’t sufficiently explained in Next Goal Wins gets his back up a little, though. The film’s protagonist, Jaiyah Saelua, the first transgender football player in a FIFA World Cup qualifying match, is fa’afafine – an American Samoan identifier for someone with fluid genders – but there wasn’t much exposition of this concept in the film. “That’s not my job,” Waititi says. “It’s not a movie where I have to explain every facet of Samoan culture to an audience. Our job is to retain our culture, and present a story that’s inherently Polynesian, and if you don’t like it, you can go and watch any number of those other movies out there, 99 per cent of which are terrible.”

*notes: (there is video clip in the article)

Waititi sounds momentarily cranky, but he’s mostly unflappable and hilarious. He’s the kind of guy who prefers “Correctumundo bro!” to “Yes”. When our video connection is too laggy, he plays up to it by periodically pretending to be frozen, sitting perfectly still, mouth open, his big shifting eyeballs the only giveaway.

He’s at his best on set. Saelua sat next to him in Honolulu while filming the joyous soccer sequences. “He’s so chill. He just let the actors do their thing, giving them creative freedom, barely interjecting unless it was something important. His style matches the vibe of the Pacific people. We’re a very funny people. We like to laugh. He just fit perfectly.”

People do seem to love working alongside him, citing his ability to make productions fresh and unpredictable and funny. Chris Hemsworth once said that Waititi’s favourite gag is to “forget” that his microphone is switched on, so he can go on a pantomime rant for all to hear – usually about his disastrous Australian lead actor – only to “remember” that he’s wired and the whole crew is listening.

“I wouldn’t know about that, because I don’t listen to what other people say about anything – I’ve told you this,” Waititi says. “I just try to have fun when there’s time to have fun. And when you do that, and you bring people together, they’re more willing to go the extra mile for you, and they’re more willing to believe in the thing that you’re trying to do.”

Yes, he plays music between takes, and dances out of his director’s chair, but it’s really all about relaxing amid the immense pressure and intense privilege of making movies. “Do you know how hard it is just to get anything financed or green-lit, then getting a crew, ­getting producers to put all the pieces together, and then making it to set?” Waititi asks. “It’s a real gift, even to be working, and I feel like I have to remind ��people of that: enjoy this moment.”

Source: The Age

By: Konrad Marshall (December 1, 2023)

#rhys darby #taika waititi #next goal wins #our flag means death #hunt for the wilderpeople #interview

[slopit]

man incompetently eating kiwi fruit at 3:39pm on the kitchen floor, shirtless, witnessed by 2 cats and 3 dogs and 1 starling

#by god i ripped that thang asunder

[starry-hughes]

daisy thoughts!

daisy is allergic to kiwi and it is discovered when quinn is at an away game and mom freaks out and calls him from the hospital. and she eventually falls asleep next to the crib in the hospital and wakes up to quinn walking hima after he left the trip.

daisy takes her first steps at the lakehouse. it scares quinn when she learns how to walk and he calls her his safety hazard because she's adventurous. they can't find her one afternoon and hear giggling in the kitchen and she's taken all the plastic containers out of a cabinet and is in the cabinet

when she gets sick, daisy likes to cuddle up to whichever parent is near. she will not move from quinn's chest. he will wake up to her crying and (shirtless) will go get her and she's like "mmh i'm staying here now." and is pressed against his warm chest.

mom sings lullabies to daisy every night and quinn always watches from the doorway when he's home. and there's just this look of love from him.

daisy is scared of dragonflies. no one knows why. they just scare her horribly. she will scream and run to mom when she's a toddler. uncle jack tries to mess with her and tries to get her to touch one and she cries and does not trust jack for the rest of the day.

#daisy’s au!

[cinemastyles-blog]

Kiwi. Part 1 and Part 2

Summary: Anon request on Wattpad - “I really love the idea of harry fucking a fan and having a breeding kink. So muttering things like "yeah, you want me to cum deep inside you?? Put a baby deep inside you?" And kind of playing on his cockiness if knowing a fan WOULD want to have his babies and kinda risking it bc he thinks its hot. you can make the mc a little plus size?? And like mention it? Maybe have harry like it? There just isn't much representation and I would appreciate that. Im like obsessed with this idea so pls pls if you are willing "You would like that wouldn't you?" While pounding roughly inside y/n. LIKE PLS I NEED IT”

Warnings: SMUT18+, strong language, alcohol consumption, heavy breeding kink, unprotected sex, cream pie, lots of praising, hair pulling, choking, oral (both), harry x plus size!y/n, this is loaded with nasty filth enjoy <3

Masterlist

LIVE ON TOUR HARRY

You stood with your hands gripping the black, metal railing of the barricade.

You pull your bottom lip between your teeth as your eyes move around the stage, still trying to convince yourself that Harry is going to be right. there.

“I can’t wait to see him.” A girl next to you says, “I hope he comes out shirtless.”

As much as you’d like to see Harry shirtless, live in person, you’re just glad to be there and hear him sing.

You laughs and shake your head, “I’m sure it’ll be a great show regardless.”

She nods and tilts her head, “Where did you get that skirt from? Your outfit is so cute and I love that shirt.”

You look down and smile, “Oh thank you.” You look up at her, “I got it off of, oh shit. I can’t remember. It was a while ago.”

You point to get dress, “I like your dress. It’s so sparkly.”

“Thank you-“

She stops talking as the lights go down and Harry’s band comes to the stage.

Your heart starts beating fast, the anticipation of seeing him this close setting in. Your palm becomes sweaty as you grip the bar again, bringing your phone up to record him making his entrance.

“Here he comes!” The girl next to you says leaning over and pushing her shoulder into yours.

All you can do is smile and when he comes out into the stage wearing that slightly see through black shirt that’s unbuttoned at the top and an almost matching your skirt plaid pants and jacket.

The girls around you gasp and look at you.

“What the fuck?” The one girl screams, “You fucking win, girl.”

“Oh my god she is matching Harry!”

You look down at your skirt, almost like you’re confirming that it’s still plaid and it indeed matches Harry’s fit for tonight.

After Harry is done singing his first song he steps back and looks at everyone in the crowd, “Wow. You guys are unbelievable.”

He chuckles and walks back and fourth the stage, stopping when he sees you.

Your heart feels like it drops into your stomach. Your phone is recording nothing but the floor because you’re too busy staring at Harry.

“Hello, love.” Harry tilts his head and bends down.

“H-hi, Harry.” You smile and bite your lip, “How are you?”

He nods and smiles, “I’m doing wonderful, thank you for asking. How are you? What’s your name?”

“y/n, it’s y/n.” You nod a few times quickly, “I’m amazing!”

“That’s good.” He smiles and licks his lips as his eyes move down to your shirt, “I like that shirt. Do you, y/n, have love for yourself?”

Harry saying your name makes your thighs squeeze together, “I would say so.”

He smiles, “That’s great to hear, y/n. You look beautiful, thank you for coming to support me.”

“Since twenty ten, my love.” You smirk slightly, “Since twenty ten!”

He shakes his head and covers his face, “I love it, I love it. I really do. That’s amazing, thank you for that, y/n.” He presses his fingers to his lips and blows you a kiss.

The girls around you could burst your ear drums, screaming and grabbing your shoulders and shaking you slightly, “y/n!”

“Oh I almost forgot..” Harry shuffles back in front of you and points, “I like that skirt, plaid is definitely in.” He winks and walks away, but keeps his eyes on you until a fan catches his attention.

“Are you okay, y/n?”

“Girl how are you still standing?”

“yeah, right. I’d be on the floor.”

You shake your head, amazed that you were the first interaction of the night, and amazing at how much tension, chemistry you felt.

You thought you were being delusional, there’s no way Harry could be interested in you.

No way.

But you were very wrong.

The whole show, every time you were in Harry’s view, his eyes were on you. He was center stage, looking over to his right at you, smiling and shaking his head as you sing his songs to him.

You ate up the main character moment, because why not. You thought that after tonight, you’d have to go see him at another one of his shows.

But you were also very wrong about that, too.

——

“Thank you all so very much for coming out and sing these song with me, you truly have changed my life..” Harry goes on with his thank you speech, glancing at you every so often, trying to hide that smile you make him have.

“Goodnight.” His eyes stay on you for a few seconds and he smiles before he walks off the stage.

You’re standing there, chit chatting with the girls who were around you, telling them how you feel. They’re telling you how they feel.

It’s insane.

“Miss?”

“Plaid skirt.”

The one girl taps your arm and points behind you, “I think he’s trying to get your attention, y/n.”

You turn around to see a guy wearing a t shirt that says security.

“Me?” You point to yourself and he nods, “Yeah, I was told to come and find you, per Harry’s request.”

Your heart sinks again and your knees go shakey, “Okay.” He points down to the end of the barricade, “Meet me down there.”

He walks away when you nod and you turn around, “That can’t be real.” You shake your head, looking down at the guy who’s waiting for you, “Should I go?”

“Have you ever been a trending hashtag on twitter?”

You shake your head, “Not that I recall.” You laugh slightly and she tilts her head with a smile, “You’re going to be. Harry liked you.”

“I mean, worst comes to worst you get kidnapped instead of meeting Harry.” The one girl laughs and her friend hits her, “Steph, really?”

You laugh, “No, no because I was thinking the same thing.” You click your tongue and shrug, “Do you really think- no..” you sigh and the one girl steps towards you, “You can’t pass up the potential opportunity of meeting Harry.”

You look at her, “Right. I’m going.”

You start walking before you can change your mind and the guy waves you to come around. You walk out around the fencing and he walks towards a door.

He pushes the door open and there’s a sea of people in the hallway.

Your stomach is doing flips, you’re so nervous.

He walks you through the crowd and takes you outside to a car. He opens the door and you look in and see Harry sitting there with a smile, “Hello again, y/n.”

You thank the security guy as you climb in and he nods as he shuts the door.

You put your seat belt on and look over at him, “You had to go and wear plaid?”

He looks at you confused, “Huh?” He laughs slightly and you smile, “You just had to go and steal my style.” You roll your eyes and laugh, “No I liked it a lot. You have great taste Mr. Styles.”

He smirks and shakes his head, “You’re a feisty one, aren’t ya.”

“You have no idea.” You mumble lowly.

He looks over at you and your freeze, “What did you say?” He asks leaning in.

“What do you think I said?”

He squints and smirks slowly, “Mm. We’ll just have to figure out just how feisty you can be.”

You didn’t think he heard you.

Now you’re slightly embarrassed, “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Harry chuckles and shakes his head, “Nah, no worries, sweetheart.”

Harry starts a conversation about where you’re from and what shows you’ve been too, totally changing the topic.

“Yeah, so then, I stumbled upon a ticket for this show and I had this weird feeling that I needed to be here..” you shrug, “And now.. we’re here.”

He nods and smiles, “You know, I had this weird feeling before I went on stage, like I don’t even know to describe it to you really.”

“No, I get it.” You duck down and look out of Harry’s window, “You’re staying at The Royal Sonesta?”

He looks at you and nods, “Yeah.”

“This is my hotel, too.” You lean back and laugh slightly, “I’m “518.”

“There’s no way.” Harry tilts his head, “I am in 618, you?”

You shake your head and sigh, “This is insane, Harry.”

He agrees and the driver pulls up to the doors. Harry gets out and meets you over at your door as the hotel staff opens your door.

Harry holds his hand out to help you as you slide out of the car. Neither one of you let go of one another until you reached the fifth floor.

“Do you mind if I stop by my room so I can grab some stuff?” You look up at Harry and he nods, “Not at all.”

You go to walk off the elevator and Harry follows behind you. You glance over your shoulder at him and smile slightly.

He really is such a caring person and you love that.

You hold the card to your door and open it when it beeps. Harry lays his hand on the door to hold it open, “Go ahead.”

“Thanks.” You can’t stop smiling, he has you so giddy right now, you would do anything that man says.

You are putty in his hands.

“Do you want me to carry anything, y/n?”

It makes your stomach flutter every time he says your name. You look at him and shake your head, “I think I got it.”

You pretty much pack up your whole suit case and look at him, “I’m ready, sorry.”

He turns to you and gently cups your face, “Stop apologizing!” He says with a smile, “You are fine, love. I promise.”

You smile up at him and look into his eyes.

You’ve always wanted to see what his eyes looked like up close and you can definitely say they are more beautiful in person.

He licks his lips and bites his bottom one as he sighs, “I want to kiss you so bad right now.” He whispers as his eyes scan over your faded lipsticky lips.

“Do it.”

Without any hesitation he presses his lips to yours and you could moan.

His lips are so soft, perfect.

You lay a hand on his chest, gently digging your fingers in as you grip his t shirt with the other one.

“Come on.” He pulls away and leans in to peck your lips one more time, “Let’s go upstairs.”

You nod and he takes your hand as he grabs your suitcase, pulling it behind him as you walk.

You make it up to Harry room finally and walk in. He immediately locks the door once it’s closes and puts his hands on his hips, “How about a drink, y/n?”

You nod, “Oh, please.”

He smirks and motions to the room, “Make yourself comfortable.”

You smile and nod as you unzip your suitcase, rummaging through to find my our shirts and t shirt.

You pull out your faded Pink Floyd shirt and you notice Harry look down at it.

He looks up at you and nods, “Good choice.”

He gives you a wink before he grabs the glasses and walks over to the balcony doors, “Meet ya out here, yeah?”

“I’ll be right out.” You hurry to the bathroom and quickly change into your comfy clothes. You look in the mirror and smile at yourself.

Your run your hands over the fabric and let out a dry laugh because you know you’re going to have haters because you’re a bigger girl, but you remind yourself that if Harry didn’t like you, you wouldn’t be in his hotel room almost half naked.

You open the door after picking up the clothes you took off and taking them to your suitcase.

You can feel Harry’s eyes trail up and down your body from the balcony doors.

You bite your lip and shift your weight to your right leg, the ones that’s closest to him, popping your ass out.

“Shit.” He, not so very quietly, whispers.

You look over at him and tilt your head, “Did you say something, Harry?” You ask with a slight innocent tone.

He shakes his head, “No, just waiting on you.” He smirks and you shut your suit case, “Fine.” You sigh a bit dramatic and he laughs, “You’re something else.”

You keep your mouth shut because you learned your lesson last time.

You smirk and follow him out, snatching a blanket off the end of the bed as you walk by.

You sit down in the lounge chair and cover up with the blanket. For a little while, you and Harry take turns, going back and fourth with asking questions, getting off topic and rambling on.

Just enjoying each others company.

Pretty soon, the liquor bottle is empty and you and Harry are feeling very tipsy.

After you guys calm down from laughing, it’s quiet for a few moment before Harry speaks, “You know..” He starts out, “Ever since I wrote Kiwi, I’ve always had this..” he pauses and you look over at him.

“Had this..” you tilt your head and he looks over at you, a smirk resting on his lips, “Fantasty.”

You raise an eyebrow, “Fantasy?”

He leans forward and sets his glass down. He stands up and walks over to you, “Yeah.” He says as he places his knee between your legs.

He reaches up and gently brushes hair from your face, staring down at you. “Tell me about it.” You whisper, closing your eyes as he gently holds onto your chin.

“Why don’t I just show you?”

You open your eyes and smile while nodding, “Please, Harry.” You whisper reaching up to pull him to you. You press your lips onto his and moan quietly, “Harry kisses down your neck, “Come to bed.”

He pulls away to stand up. He holds his hands out to help you up from the lounger. His hands go to your ass and you jump up, wrapping your legs around his waist.

He takes you into the bed, tossing you down on your back and he watches as you slowly slide the shirt up your body. You lean up, slipping it off over your head and then you toss it to his feet.

He admires your body and the fact that you're only wearing underwear makes Harry's cock twitch, "Fuck. Take them off."

He gets undressed himself and strokes himself a few times before he starts to crawl up your body, leaving a trail of kisses on your skin, "I want to put a fuckin' baby in you."

He whispers lowly as he kisses up your neck, "Cum so deep inside of you. would you like that?"

You whimper and nod your head, "Fuck, yes."

"Would you tell me if you were to get pregnant, though, love?" Harry whimpers as the head of his cock rubs against your soaked and ready folds, "Fuck."

He groans lowly as you move your hips up and down against his cock, "Teasin' me baby?"

You smirk, "I would never, daddy."

You both gasp at the same time when Harry thrusts his cock in you, "Fuckin' hell." He groans and pulls you closer to him, "I really will make myself a daddy if you keep talking like that."

You moan at a combination of his words and his cock spreading you apart. It honestly kind of hurts but it feels so fucking good at the same time you'll let him do anything to you.

"Fuck, H-Harry." You moan out loudly as he slowly starts to thrusts, "Just the thought of you being pregnant with my baby could get me off.. fuck you're so goddamn tight."

'Yes!" You moan out, "Fuck, Yes, daddy. Cum inside of me." You whine as Harry pushes his cock deep into you and holds it there, "You'd like that, wouldn't you. Being a fan that's pregnant with my fucking baby."

He moans loudly as he starts thrusting again, "Fuck, Yes i would love that, shit." You gasp and clench around him, moaning as you feel him push deep.

"Gonna cum for me? hmm." Harry pulls his cock out slowly slides it back inside of your aching cunt, "Y-yes." You whimper out, "I need to cum, daddy please."

He pulls out and slowly lays down beside you, "You want to ride me, baby?"

You don’t say another word, instead you staddle him and he watches you sink down on his cock with a groan, “Take that as a yes.”

His fingers dig into your hips, begging you to move. You slowly lift up and rock your hips forward as you lean down to kiss him.

Something takes over you. You turn his face and kiss down his neck, “I want to have your baby.”

He rolls you guys back over, pinning your down to the bed as he pushes his cock all the way in. You whimper as his cock pushing into you kinda hurts.

He pulls his hips back and pauses, looking down at you, “You’re going to be so fucking beautiful knocked up with my baby.”

You arch your back, digging your nails into his shoulders as your legs wrap around his waist, squeezing tightly around him.

He starts to fuck your cunt at a punishing pace, groaning into your neck as you clench around him. Your hands drag down his back, causing red lines to show up instantly on his skin.

You sudden feel a rush of pleasure, moaning out his name as you cum around him.

He cums with you, pulling you closer and pushing his cock in deeper, “fuck, fuck fuck.” He pants as you feel his cock grow a little softer inside of you.

He pulls out and lays beside you, on his side so he can look at you. You shift slightly and look at him, “What?” You ask shyly with a smile.

He smiles and shakes his head, “Nothing. Nothing.”

You laugh and let out a sigh, “Do you mind if I go for a shower?”

He shakes his head, “Yeah no, go ahead. Take a shirt from my suitcase.” You go to get up, but Harry stops you pulls you back over to him.

“I’m going to take such good care of you and our baby.”

“Really?” You tilt your head up more and lean back, “You mean that?”

He nods as his thumb thumbs against your thigh, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” He looks up at you, “Listen, just because I sing about it not being my business, doesn’t mean that it won’t be.”

You laugh slightly, “well, only time will tell.”

“Either way..” Harry pauses to rest his hand on your cheek, “I like you, and you aren’t getting away from me that easy.” He winks and presses his lips to yours.

A FEW WEEKS LATER // PART 2

You stayed back at the hotel while Harry went and did sound check.

You walk over to the bed and sit down, taking a deep breathe as you stare down at the test in your grasp.

You were honestly kind of scared to tell Harry, worried that he might have changed his mind.

A knock on the door jumps you out of your thoughts and you stand up, shoving the test into your waist band, “Who is it l?” You yell as you run into the bathroom to hide all of the evidence.

“It’s Y/F/N. Come on, open up.”

You let out a sigh, “Coming!”

You haven’t told a single soul about that night with Harry. You haven’t even told anyone about Harry.

Expect your best friend, y/f/n. You and Harry had a long talk after the first couple rounds, explaining everything, getting to know each other pretty much.

You both figured that if you’re in this, you might as well need to know the details of his life the media doesn’t show of Harry.

You open the door and smile, “Ah! Hey!” She walks in and hugs you, “Missed you.” You smile and hug her back, “I’ve missed you.”

“You have a pretty good reason for ghosting me for a few days, I’ll give you that.” She laughs as she sets her stuff down on the table.

“So I got the room right next to ours booked for you. You can stay as long as we do or whatever you want to do.” You keep pulling your shirt down in the back, overthinking that the test is showing.

“Sweet. So when do I get to meet your new boyfriend?” She smirks and looks around.

“After the show. Since we’re keeping everything very low key, we’re going in as just fans, so when we’re there, don’t say shit.” You smile slightly, knowing that she’s trustworthy.

“I won’t. I won’t.”

——

You and y/f/n stand back towards the back of the pit. You started feeling nauseated on the walk to the venue, you were nervous to talk to Harry.

You didn’t want to lose him, he truly seems to care about you and what the test read, you didn’t want him just giving up, but a part of you knew that he wouldn’t.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.” You quickly say before making to the restroom just in time to puke your anxiety up.

“Oh god.” You whisper quietly before standing up. You take care of everything, wash your hands and head back over.

Harry’s show was just about over, he was finishing up his speech. Once over, you grab her and pull her with you.

“How fast will Harry get to the hotel?” Y/f/n asks, “I know he leaves like a.s.a.p.”

You look over at her, “Same time as us.” You turn down the one ally, out back of the venue and there stands Harry in front of the car, “There she is.”

You smile as you walk faster up to him, “Hey. Great show.” He pulls you in to hug you and looks up at your friend, “You must be y/f/n. Hello, I’m Harry.”

She smiles and shakes his hand, “Hi Harry. Yes, I’m y/f/n.”

“Did you like the show?” Harry slides his hand down your back and tilts his head as he talks to y/f/n.

You zone out, taking in feeling him pressed up against you, but only for a short time before you’re rushed into the car and taken back to the hotel.

The car ride there was mainly y/f/n and Harry talking, getting to know each other and y/f/n telling Harry stories about you and her growing up.

“That was one time.” You defend yourself, “I have not stolen a piece of gum from the grocery store ever since.”

Harry laughs, “Oh, you rebel you.” He pulls your closer and pushes his head against yours. You laugh and roll your eyes, “Fine be mean to me. I’ll just keep my secret to myself.”

“Ooh, miss y/n has a secret?” Y/f/n says poking your side. You swat her hand away and laugh slightly, “That I do.”

“Can I know this secret?” Harry asks teasingly.

You bite your lip and shrug, playing into it, “You’re going to have to know.” You look over at your friend, “So do you.”

The car stops and the doors open. Harry gets out and holds his hand out to help you out of the car. He wraps his arm around your waist and leads you into the hotel.

Y/f/n walks besides you and turns to look at you. She looks you up and down and shakes her head, “No, can’t be.”

“Are you implying that I’m pregnant?” You look at her, “Do I look that fat?”

Her eyes go wide and Harry’s hand grips tighter on your waist. She shakes her head quickly, “No, no. No.”

You laugh, “oh gosh, no I’m not pregnant and I know you weren’t calling me that.” She laughs and Harry’s grip eases on your waist as the elevator doors open.

You look up at him and he gives you a look.

You bite your lip and raise your eyebrows before following y/f/n, “Four.” You say instructing her on which button to push.

Harry stands next to you, on hand on the rail behind you, other on his hip.

“You two are honestly really cute.” Y/f/n says pointing between you and Harry. You smile and lean against him. He rests his cheek on your head and you can tell he is smiling, “Yeah, I really like this one.”

You look up at him and leans down and kisses you.

Y/f/n gags, “Okay. Enough mushy gushy.” The elevator door opens and she sighs, “Thank god.” She walks off and you laugh as you and Harry walk out together.

“I love you guys, but I’m exhausted. We’ll catch up in the a.m.” he waves as she keeps walking away.

Y/f/n disappears into her room and you and Harry go into yours.

“I’m going to go change, I’ll be right back.” You say as you walk to your suit case. You sneak another pregnancy test from the box at the bottom and hide it in your clothes.

“Okay babe. Are you hungry?” Harry asks and you turn to look at him, “I’m starving.”

He nods and start to order as you go into the bathroom. You quickly take the test before taking off your shirt and laying it over the test.

You continue to change, slowly. Wasting time so you don’t have to just stand around and wait.

You take a deep breathe and move your shirt, biting your lip as you look at the window.

You need to tell him.

Just get it over with, y/n.

You sigh and hold the test in your palm. You tuck it into the waist band of your shorts and bury the wrapper in your dirty clothes.

You go out, walking to your suit case and throwing them in. You decided that you’re just going to let Harry find the test and you’ll go from there.

“Food should be here in a few minutes, babe.” Harry walks over to you and your eyes gaze up his chest as you look up at him, “Sounds good.”

You smile and your heart starts to race as he places his hands on your hips. His left hand is so close to the test, you could puke, again.

He leans down and kisses you. You wrap one arm around his neck and lay your other hand on his chest.

You have noticed that he’s been turning you on a lot more, feeling his skin under your touch turns you on so fast.

He wraps his arm around your lower back and bends down to slide his other hand down the back of your thigh.

You jump, wrapping your legs around his waist as he grab onto your ass.

The test still tucked in your waist band.

He turns around and lays you down on the bed, his body hovering over yours, “I see what you want, baby.”

You whimper as his hand slips under your shirt, moving up to pinch your one nipple. You moan and arch your back, “H-Harry.”

“What do you want, baby?” He whispers lowly, “Hmm?”

“I-I want..” you bite your lip, rolling your eyes back as he rubs your clit through your shorts, “I want your baby.”

Harry moans lowly at your words as his cock grows harder by the second in his shorts, “Is that what you want?”

You nod and look down at him, “Yes, daddy.” You moan as he switches nipples, “Say it again, baby.”

Wanting him to know already is driving you nuts.

You whimper and lift up your shirt, “I’m having your baby.”

He immediately stops moving and looks up at you, “What?” He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth as he slowly pulls the test from your waistband.

“Are yo- is tha- I don’t know what we’re feeling.” You sit up and rest your fingers over your mouth, anxiously awaiting Harry to say something else.

“Fuck.” Harry chuckles slightly and smiles, “M’gonna let you have all my kids.” He tosses the positive test down and lays back over your body.

He presses his lips to yours and works on pushing his shorts down as you pushed yours down.

“You gonna be my pregnant slut tonight? Hmm?” Harry leans back down and kisses you, pulling away with your bottom lip between his teeth.

You gasp and whimper, pulling him closer to you, “Fuck me,” you beg, “Please daddy?”

He leans up and pushes your legs apart, spitting onto his fingers before slowly starting to work them in and out of your pussy, “Relax, baby.”

You moan and lay your head back, pulling at the sheets as his other hand starts to rub your clit, “can’t wait to see you with a baby belly.”

You spit into your hand and reach over to grab his cock. He moans and bucks his hips a few times, “Always love how you hold my cock.” He groans lowly as he closes his eyes.

You watch as his face twitches just the slightest when you speed up your hand, “Fuck.” You moan as you clench around his fingers, “I’m gonna cum.” You whine as you arch your back off the bed and drop your hand to grab the sheets.

“That’s it, mama. Cum for me.”

Harry calling you mama could send you right back over the edge.

“Fuck, fuck.” You moan as you grind your hips against his hand, “shit.” You sigh as you come down while panting.

He move back between your legs and leans down, to pull your shirt off your body. You lean up and fall back as he tosses beside you, “you’re so much hotter now that you’re pregnant with my baby.”

He kisses down your neck, nipping spots every now and then as he makes his way to your nipple. He wraps his lips around it, swirling his tongue as he slowly rubs the head of his cock against your clit.

“H-Harry.” You whine, “Please.”

Harry slides his cock down, still keeping his lips on your nipple. He slowly pushes his cock inside of you, groaning as he kissed back up to your lips.

Your lips move in sync with his as your legs and arms wrap around him.

“Say it.” He moans lowly.

“I’m having your baby.” You whimper as you clench around his cock.

“Again.”

You moan as he pushes his cock into you and holds himself there, “What are you?” He leans down and brushes his lips against yours.

You moan quietly into his mouth, “I’m having your baby.”

“Mm.” He hums lowly which turns into a moan as he slowly starts to trust his cock into you, “Going to be the best mom to my baby. Our baby.”

He lays a hand on your cheek, “You’re so fucking sexy.”

You press your lips to his and tangle your fingers in his hair, tugging slightly as you moan, “m’so close.”

He nods and kisses down your neck before he sits up. He grips your hips and thrusts into you, groaning as he’s growing closer to cumming, too.

“Me too.” He mumbles tilting his head back, “Fuck, babe.” He presses his thumb to your clit, bringing you closer and closer to the edge, “Come on baby.”

He looks down at you and you stare back at him, panting as a wave of pleasure washes over you, “Fuck, y-yes daddy.” You whimper quietly, and moan as he pumps his cum into, once again.

You let out a sigh once you come down and look up at him. He looks at you and smiles.

“I am having your baby, Mr. Styles.”

He leans down and presses a kiss to your lips, “Mhm. And it’s nobody’s business but ours.”

You smile and tilt your head, “You really do like me huh?”

He smiles and shakes his head as he stands up, “You have no idea what kind of hold you have over me.”

——

Hi hello, thank you so so so much for being patient and waiting for these requests to drop. I just posted Private Affair Chapter 2 so you can check that out here!

Not really edited

Likes and reblogs are appreciated <3

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles smut oneshots #harry styles dirty one shot #harry styles smut #smut #harry styles dirty fanfiction #harry styles smutty fanfic #dirty oneshots #cinemastyles-blog #smut one shots #two parts on one #part one and part two #live on tour Harry #live on tour era #live on tour era Harry styles #hs1 Harry #dirty hs1 #hs1era #hs1 harry smut #wattpad smut #smutty fanfics #smut fanfiction #smut oneshots #Harry styles dirty smut one shot #harry styles dirty imagine #hs1 smut #smut hs1 #hs1 smut one shot #dirty hs1 one shot

[emerals]

the lads but it’s cards against humanity

some of these are funny most aren’t lmao

prompts are bolded!!

OZZY - - Seeing my father cry; kid-tested, mother-approved. - Step 1: A sorry excuse for a father. Step 2: Vehicular manslaughter. Step 3: Profit. - What's my secret power? Fucking all my dad's friends. - What's that smell? Poor life choices.

JUNIPER - - Excuse me, straight man, but all the different kinds of lesbians isn't for you, STRAIGHT MAN. - Mr. and Mrs. Diaz, we called you because we're concerned about Cynthia. Are you aware that your daughter is throwing grapes at a man until he loses touch with reality? - Girls. High five, bro. - A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without getting serial killed.

XIMENA - - I never truly understood hot people until I encountered your mom. - But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you vigorous jazz hands. - That's right, I killed heteronormativity. How, you ask? Bees? - For my next trick, I will pull science out of a Bop It.

WHITTANY - - I drink to forget being rich. - Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I'm having serious doubts about breaking into song and dance. - I got 99 problems but crumbs all over the god damn carpet ain't one. - Hey guys, welcome to Chili's! Would you like to start the night off right with kissing grandma on the forehead and turning off her life support?

ASH - - Arby's We Have completely unwarranted confidence. - When I am President, I will create the Department of a bitch slap. - Hey Reddit! I'm judging everyone. Ask me anything. - I'm LeBron James, and when I'm not slamming dunks, I love two Xanax and a bottle of wine.

VIVIAN - - YAAAAAAS! You are serving me daddy issues realness! - Dude, do not go in that bathroom. There's men in there. - What's the best metaphor for our political system? 30 shirtless bears emerging from the fog. - 50% of all marriages end in listening to her problems without trying to solve them.

EVERETT - - In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with the patriarchy for the first time. - What are my parents hiding from me? Saying "I love you". - As the mom of five rambunctious boys, I'm no stranger to a little boy who won't shut the fuck up about dinosaurs. - If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love committing treason?

KIWI - - Mamma Mia. Here I go again. My! My! How can I resist giggling like an anime girl? - Kids, I don't need drugs to get high. I'm high on sunshine an rainbows. - TSA guidelines now prohibits wizard music on airplanes. - My fellow Americans: Before this decade we will have Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson on the moon!

DEAN - - I get by with a little help from self-loathing. - I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure what you're suffering from is called "being fucking pathetic". - Your dreams are one click away! Learn more at Hope.com. - What's the most emo? A lifetime of sadness.

NIX - - Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's menstrual rage. - The class field trip was completely ruined by whatever straight people do for fun. - It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with unfathomable stupidity. - Old MacDonald had dark and mysterious forces beyond our control. E-I-E-I-O.

HUNTER - - Howdy neighbor! I couldn't help but notice you struggling with getting into a pretty bad car accident. Need a hand? - Why can't I sleep at night? Dead parents. - When I was tripping on acid, BATMAN! turned into therapy. - I'm Tony Robbins, and over the next sixty minutes I'm going to teach you how to harness the power of the Kool-Aid Man!

DOTTIE - - What's there a ton of in heaven? Some god damn peace and quiet. - What's a girl's best friend? Solving problems with violence. - I'm going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and silence. - IF you like sipping kombucha like a smug piece of shit, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK.

ADEN - - Check me out, yo! I call this dance move "establishing dominance." - White people like drinking gasoline to see what it tastes like. - Just saw this upsetting video! Please retweet!! #stopmyinnerdemons - Why do I hurt all over? A mistake.

SYLVIA - - Designers! For this week's challenge, you must make a dress designed for telling Heather she can't pull off that top. - Daddy, why is mommy crying? Toxic masculinity. - And the Academy Award for complaining goes to the careless cunt who left a water ring on my credenza. - Why am I sticky? Soup that is too hot.

LOUIE - - Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children PTSD. - We're here! We're doing crimes! Get used to it! - Today on Maury: "Help! My son is being a motherfucking sorcerer!" - Premiering tonight: NBC's new heartfelt family drama, This Is an old guy who's almost dead.

MARSHALL - - I'm sorry Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of some guy. - What never fails to liven up the party? Being on fire. - Well if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with kayaking with my sluts. - Here is the church. Here is the steeple. Open the doors and there is a messy bitch who lives for drama.

#nix rodentia #aden fang #dean rodentia #ash fliwig #dottie angels #everett mustelidante #hunter gundog #juniper passerine #kiwi purrborne #marshall snowshoe #ozzy swan #ximena avianta #louie duck #whittany lop #sylvia honeyberg #vivian pyroar #cards against humanity

[bravesummoner]

about kiwi

this blog is about ONE oc and one oc only and that is kiwi. askr's beloved summoner. they/them pronouns only, 21 yrs old, bisexual, 5'2 (short king)

their birthday is june 6th

they like music (and were studying it in college) and video games (not that they've played any in years)

they've been in askr for 6 slutty, slutty years

"wait how are they 21, were a college student before coming to zenith, and have been there for 6 years" Don't Worry About It (not aging while in zenith)

there's a fuckoff huge scar on their right side from getting stabbed. don't worry they're okay. does mean they refuse to get shirtless around people they don't know very well though

it used to be pretty rare to see them without the hood on. they're better about it now though

they are god's silliest clown (/affectionate)

and also a problems causing bastard

i love them

also there's a toyhouse page for them here if you wanna know more about them

about the blog itself

pretty much all this blog is is me reblogging posts that remind me of this one oc because i'm too embarrassed to do this shit on main

"what do the tags mean" You Don't Need To Know

i am contemplating going back at some point and adding tags for different post types, original content from me, etc. this has not happened yet. you will notice when it does because posts will have more tags

i run this blog on a queue for the most part and add posts to the queue when i see them. queue posts 3 times a day

a lot of this blog is related to various rp groups i'm in/have been in and such. this is part of why the tag system is primarily emojis and why i will never explain what certain tags mean. you either know it or you don't and if you ever make a guess as to what it means No You Don't

if you find this blog somehow without me linking it to you my main is @bpdalfonse

[sailorlyoko]

Odd Della Robbia headcanons

Tws for self-harm, odd's sisters, mental illness, homophobia, and homophobic grandmas

: Has ADHD

: Used to self-harm before Ulrich, Yumi, and William found out

: listens to radiohead, backstreet boys, Lou Vega, n'sync, and T.a.t.u

: His sisters, Adele and Louise tend to use him as their punching bag

: His sister, Pauline is very protective of him but doesn't really show it

: He uses jokes as a coping mechanism

: He's Italian on his mother's side of the family

: 100% Bi

: has a very high metabolism

: had a prophetic dream about crashing Laura Gautier's wedding

: He is an Ulumi shipper

: loves puns

: Sissi has feelings for him

: Looks really good in drag

: His cousins are named Alberto, Marco, Orlando, Bruno, Leone, and Lucrezia

: He has dated half of kadic academy's female students except for Yumi, Sissi, Milly, and Tamiya

: Once accidentally released 19 goats into kadic academy while the song September by earth wind and fire played on the p.a system

: Writes Ulumi fanfic

: Is also a Jerlita shipper

: Is currently dating william

: Is a little spoon

: He knew he was bi when he saw ulrich shirtless for the first time

: His rendition of all the things she said by t.a.t.u is a deadly weapon

: Can dance really well

: He dyes his hair

: might be dyslexic

: Once cussed out sissi in italian

: Is a amazing artist

: Writes fluff fics

: Theme song, All-star by smash mouth

: he is a leo

: He is icelandic on his dad's side of the family

: His aunt's a therapist

: He is the token gremlin of the group

: His grandma reacted poorly to him coming out and beat him in an attempt to make him straight

: He has depression

: He is an Esfp

: He had an emotional breakdown in William's arms after kiwi died

: His films are average at best

: He looks peaceful when he sleeps

: He is a theater kid and proud of it

: He loves phantom of the opera

: He is a grass type trainer

: once had a dream about singing opera

: His dreams are weird

: Once spiked the punch with red bull

: MUST have caffeine

: Ships Yolanda With Jim

: He is a multi-shipper

: Is often mistaken for a girl

: Sounds like teddie from persona 4

: Once played final fantasy 7

: Is a gamer

: becomes the second tallest after hitting puberty

: Has a Myspace account

: He is not a pervert despite being a ladies man

: He can't sing for his life

: had long hair in elementary school

: Has connections

: his phone case is a cat

: He read romeo and Juliet

: His worst subject is math

: Once caused a cafeteria riot

: He can speak English

: He gets pissed when you call him short

#odd della robbia #headcanon #code lyoko

[mychampagne-mybubbles]

Harry Styles • LOT Europe • Horsens • 13.05.2023

Harry wearing orange & baby blue shirtless suit • “is this gay enough?” • Stockholm Syndrome • Thomas & Harry shirt • Trumpets • YMCA • Grapejuice • H loves love & Erin’s husband is still playing in the band • Fineline • Banana song • “Never make eye contact whilst eating a banana.” • Kiwi

#harry styles #horsens #lot horsens

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

I deleted my tiktok account. Rip to my shirtless CJ cosplay and that one tiktok where I was dressed as Kraken!Ed and I said "hey Jim, wanna join my emo band?" in a bad Kiwi accent.

[anadorablekiwi]

I heard someone was in need of.... a ✨distraction?✨

oh my gosh i can't believe i did this

ASFKLGSSHJFASGSKSY

Tellie your gremlin you… 🤣🤣🤣 thank you very much, I love it 💜💜💜💜💜

#kiwi answers #tellie my sweet darling twin #tellies amazing art #gotta love Twi heheh #my gosh I was not expecting this thank you 🥰🥰🥰🤣🤣💞💞💞💞 #when you said distraction you certainly meant it XD #very well done my dear <3 #ima go be a blushing mess now XD 💜💞 #shirtless Twi

[questioned-quetzalcoatl]

30 Days of OTP: Day 25, Gazing into each others eyes

Rating: K

Verse: Canon

AN: James gets fascinated with Kainga's eyes, I feel like he does that a lot. Either that or I just like writing about it, we'll never know >;)

Also a little hurt comfort because I still haven't recovered from the Argument ;-;

-

James barely even waits for the door to be opened. Kainga staggers back as he forces his way into the room and lightly kicks the door shut behind himself. In the light from his bedside lamp, Kainga can see the hard set to James’s jaw. He looks tired – exhausted. James registers the click of the lock and he doesn’t step back when Kainga steps forward.

"What did I tell you about staying up so late?" Kainga fixes up the strings of his dressing gown, he was just about to join him for bed but found that James was still up.

"Can't sleep." James answers him with a rather blank tone, being without Kainga for several days had made the man incredibly clingy. Even more than when he came back from his trips that arguably lasted longer than to two had been apart previously. James stands up from the bed and takes a stride towards the Tongan, who himself is rather confused on the Kiwi's behavior. Perhaps just out of the fact of just missing him.

Kainga looks up at James, meeting his eyes under the warm light of the lamp beside their bed. As little as a year ago, he would have been able to see James’s soul reflected back at him. Now all he sees is James. Not the light of the soul of the rather unrighteous man, but the light of the lamp and the green-gold-brown. He can read emotions in them by the slope of his bushy eyebrows or the tightening of the skin around his eyes. It’s harder, and less accurate than what he would read from his soul. This feels more intimate – because Kainga sees no more in James than James can see in him.

Hidden behind the exhaustion, there’s hope. There’s a softness in the lines around his eyes and there’s another emotion there that Kainga has seen in him for longer than he’s known what to name it. He thinks he knows what it is now and it makes him feel warm inside and out. Just seeing it in James’s eyes eases the itch until he doesn’t feel it at all and they’re not even touching one another.

James always loved his eyes, the way they sparkled like flint on steel when he got excited or happy about something. It's strange how much James is entranced with the blue eyes that swim like an endless whirlpool, how beautiful he found them and how easy he could get lost in them, staring for hours at a time. Bringing the light back into James's tired eyes just by looking at him. He sees his eyelashes flutter over as he looks away with an embarrassed smile and a tinted blush steadily rising on his face.

Kainga rectifies that immediately, sliding his hands around James’s waist. He leans into him and James put his arms around Kainga’s shoulders. Their foreheads bump and Kainga wants to tilt his chin up enough to kiss him, to taste him. He hasn’t done that for nearly a week and he would very much like to do it again. He is an addict to James’s taste and touch after all. As James was to his.

He does it anyway so every syllable brushes their lips together. “I need you too, Kainga.”

James kisses him fully. It starts gentle and Kainga’s fingers curl tightly into the back of James’s ragged t-shirt, but they don’t stay there long. Before he knows how or why, James is dragging Kainga’s shirt over his head and they’re both shirtless, stumbling over their clothing as their feet tangle in their pants. Kainga staggers backward, pulling James after him until they can tumble together into his bed with an influx of giggles.

It’s the first time they’ve been tender with the other in almost a week, let alone his bed, and it doesn’t faze either of them. Getting under the covers is a fumbling, rushed affair and Kainga rolls over James, pinning him with kisses as he grinds down with his hips. James’s hands never hold still, travelling from Kainga’s hair and down his back to grab his ass and hold him in place as they rock against each other.

There’s so much skin and heat, but too much friction when James flips them both over so he's on the top. James fumbles for the bedside table without pulling his mouth from Kainga’s throat. He knows exactly what he wants. He wants Kaingas, needs him. All of him in whatever ways he’ll be allowed.

#30 days of zeaonga #hetalia #aph new zealand #aph #aph tonga #hws new zealand #zeaonga #hetalia oc #hws tonga #ao3 fanfic #30 day otp challenge

[vintagepresley]

"Oh tha's good Jodie. Ah'll get mah shirt cleaned up. Least ya can jus cudde with Hezekiah."

*He stands up not caring that he's shirtless as he picks up his uniform shirt.*

"Go on Hezekiah. Get up in bed wit Jodie."

-- Sheriff Kwimper

Awww Hezekiah cuddling with Jodie also poor fucking Jodie gonna miss his kiwi shirtless 😂

[beartoothbarry]

Hey everyone Caleb decided to share the details of the upcoming album with me! Here's what he told me

Track 1: intro- 10 minutes wet crunching and squishing sounds of kiwis being eaten into the microphone (with the skins on)

Track 2- Riptide

Track 3- an AC/DC tribute song titled Whole Lotta Barry

Track 4- Sunshine

Track 5- powerful, heart-wrenching ballad about how, because his band is called beartooth, everyone expects his fursona to be a bear, despite the the very big lion tattoo on his chest, which is the real reason he's always shirtless now

Track 6- compilation of lyrics from other beartooth songs taken out of context, such as "SUCKING ME DRY" in Always Dead

Track 7- Swingcore Jazz Dead 2: SAXOPHONEAGEDDON

Track 8: Silvertooth!!! But not with the band Silverstien. Caleb just reads The Giving Tree out loud like he's telling you a bedtime story

Track 9: complete silence, forgot to hit record :(

Track 10: outtro- Oshie gives a dramatic a capella performance of the star wars theme

#beartooth #metal #music #shitpost

[blog-nstuff2]

Love on tour fan sign psychic 2nd night sydney closed book shirtless vest fringe March, butt underwear kiwi black dress such an actress line 15th night forum jan 29 2023 fringe silk jacket

[fmthvz6zgd]

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#leerily #wingier #harbourous #optological #overhelpfulness #coffee-klatsch #rank-smelling #barf #Belview #pre-exhibitor #antheridial #ostension #overembellishing #sturionine #counterpaned #gladsomer #overbracing #sigillaroid #improvisatorial #Menedez