#so fucking angry that i couldnt stand up for myself

[limbel]

nice! a customer said something so awful to me today that i spent 10 minutes crying in the bathroom

#he straight up made a joke saying i was fat right to my fucking face lmao #uhm what the fuck is wrong with people #like i understand it's not that big of a deal and im not even looking for sympathy im just #so fucking angry that i couldnt stand up for myself #years and years of fighting terrible thoughts about myself and body dysmorphia and all that shit just for one random dude to come to me and #just fucking destroy everything ive been working so hard for #i was finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and now i can feel all he insecurities and self doubt and shame resurfacing #and the only thing i can do is write everything here because im so fucking ashamed of what happened i dont even want to talk to anyone #fuck this honestly #shut up mila #delete later?

[oetscop]

anyway reporting her to HR for refusing to use mine and another employees pronouns if she pulls this bullshit tomorrow ^_^

its so bizarre that the only people who gender me correctly and only rarely slip up are men and the ones who just refuse to even TRY are women.

#tongue #and the only other two trans people are minors #i mean theres another whos almost 20 but they go by any pronouns and had their legal name changed #but the other two are minors and i feel somewhat obligated to kinda keep and eye on them #especially when our gms are clearly not even trying to hide their transphobia #it goes beyond just misgendering #its harder for minors to stand up to shit like this like. i know it was for me growing up #and my only saving grace was sam who was a year above me in hs #i was an anxious high schooler and if i was as exhausted then as i am now i couldve stood up for myself #but i couldnt and i know they always cant #so ax (aforementioned almost 20 year old) just kinda try to get between #whatever we can #idk #im so fucking angry and tired #getting a new job isnt enough i need our new gms to get put in the oceangate submarine #for legal reasons thats a joke #the submarine is already crushed! they cant fit in there

[cr--books]

Possessive Natty

NSFW: Slightly spicy, mommy kink, age gap(LEGAL), innocent!reader, possessive nat, pervycarol, marking, kisses, ass slapping, grinding (not on natasha)

Parties were never my thing, I was 19 and couldnt drink so there was no real reason for me to go in aside from the fact Natasha was going to be there.

She had been my crush from the moment fury introduced me to the avengers, her green eyes reminded me of spring which was my favourite season, she was so beautiful

I sighed playing with the hem of my dress, wanda had left me to go talk to her walking talking vibrator

"Hi" I turned and smiled at the blonde standing infront of me

"Hey Captain" I smirked at her, she loved being called that title she looked me up and down and put her hand around her waist

"Come dance with me gorgeous" I nodded and let her drag me to the dance floor her hand slowly rubbing my ass and waist and she stood behind me moving my hips to the music, I giggled slowly grinding on her my hands around her neck, her lips started kissing my neck before she bent me forever wrapping her hand around my throat

I giggled sliding back up her body, a cough interrupted us, I smiled as Natasha walked infront of me and Carol, she was glaring at the blonde behind me before smiling at me

"Everything okay, natty" I smiled at her again, she nodded and grabbed my hips pulling me flush against her chest, I blushed as she leant down to my ear, "be a good girl and go to the bar and wait for mommy" she bit my earlobe looking at carol, I nodded, and she let go of me letting me walk away, not hesitating to slap my ass as I walked away I yelped and walked faster

I waited for about 10 minutes before Natasha grabbed my arm blood dripping from her knuckles as she dragged me to the elevator pushing me against the wall after pressing her floor

"Why was she touching you" I frowned at her tone it wasnt the nice one she always used with me it was an angry tone

"She just wanted to dance natty, why are you angry" I pouting, cocking my head to the side, she smiled running a hand over my chin

"My innocent little baby, you dont know how badly carol wanted to fuck you baby, but she cant you belong to mommy" she whispered as the door opened picking me over her shoulder, "I'll let everyone know your mine, tonight"

Once we got to her room she carefully put me down on the bed before ripping the dress off my body, I gasp and covered myself with her blanket

She chuckled and pulled the blanket off, "aw baby mommys sorry she didnt mean to scare you, mommy just wanted to see your pretty body" she kissed my stomach causing me to giggle, "baby, can I mark you" I nodded as she kissed up my body, sucking and biting I moaned arching my back into her, "mommy loves you baby" she kissed my lips before sucking on my neck

"Love mommy too"

#natasha romanoff #natasha x reader #masterlist #natasha x you #natasha natasha romanoff smut #natasha x y/n

[kenlvry]

kyle brofloski x reader

cw, kyle is somewhat manipulative. kyle is a playboy. one shot. 19-20. he begs for you to stay. hes on his knees for you, he's literally head over heels for you. drabble.

Kyle brofloski. just a few days ago he was blabbering to you and raising his voice at you for 'staring' at kenny differently or being 'too friendly' with clyde, he couldnt help it, the way they were staring at you was like how he stared at you when he first saw you. he yelled at you almost everytime for talking for too long with any guy but here he was surrounded by three girls at the bar smiling and smirking while they touch and flirt with him.

you let out a sigh and smile while running your fingers through your hair. you grabbed your bag and left the club, kyle saw your glimpse and immediately ran out after you, apologizing to the girls.

rushing out the door finding you stand there calling an uber to pick you up and bring you home. "babe, whats going on we just got here you wanna leave already?" he pulled you making you turn to him. he grabbed your phone and ended the call between you and the driver "and i can drive you home." you scoff and cross your arms "oh yeah? then should i just watch you get flirted by three girls?"

he sighs and roll his head back "cmon, they were js tryna talk to me you can have just as much fun as im having" you rolled your eyes at his remark "but then if i try to talk to any guy you'd go nuts as if im trying to fuck every guy i see" you tilt your head to the side slightly raising your eyebrow. "im not like that stop, all the guys that has tried talking to you have dreamt about getting in your pants"

"maybe i shouldve just let them get in my pants, im walking home." you turn around and before you could move he pulled your bag making you stop in your tracks and look back at him with an angry look. "what the hells wrong with you? you've never cared so much that i talk to other girls, calm down" that was your breaking point. "calm down? kyle are you hearing yourself? while you're over there acting like the playboy of the century im over here standing alone because the girls think im a fucking loser and you wont let me talk to guys, im done kyle im so sick of having to limit myself to girls only maybe its my fault maybe im not the loyal girl you wanted but if it makes me the bad guy then so be it, goodbye im breaking up with you" you pull your bag from his hands and turn around to walk away from him.

"please im sorry" you stopped, never has kyle apologized for something "please dont leave me im sorry" his voice sounded like he was on the verge of tears, you turn around and his nose was red. "are you crying? dont make yourself the victim kyle."

he walked to you and grabbed your bag "I'll hold your bag, let you wear my shoes because of how much it hurts wearing those heels I'll even go on my knees just please dont leave me" he dropped down on his knees grabbing your hand and looked up at you with glossy eyes.

your eyes widen and stood shock "kyle wtf get up people might see" you pulled him up and just as hes on his feet he turns to liquid, his head laying on your shoulder and hugging you, the scent of your perfume driving him crazy hes just containing it.

hes sniffling while rambling sorry multiple times not letting go and tightening his grip on you. you sigh, it was manipulative sure but.. cmon how could you refuse "fine, im not breaking up with you just stop embarrassing me, lets go home" he looks at you with shine in his eyes and a big smile plastered on his face.

"I'll drive you home" he says and you roll your eyes and smile. you walk to his car while he follows behind you holding your bag, his hands holding you shirt not letting go like a clueless dog.

oh how he wishes you know how much of a grip you have on him, that if you ask him to do anything he'd obey. hes deeply inlove with you, you just dont know it.

#south park #sp kyle broflovski #kyle broflovski x reader #kyle broflovski #sp kyle

[magnoliamyrrh]

. ive got such a long list of reasons to be bitter and fed up and angry. i have so much pain within me. sometimes i feel like pain, deep, deep, sorrowful pain, mourning, grief, anger, a desperate need to stop feeling suffocated is what i know best. and u know as much as i think all thats justified and as much as i think my anger is important for my sanity , and as much as tbh i like by this point to an extent that my over it little tolerance for bullshit angry kinda agressive vibe is a part of my personality - that my bitterness is earned and aged like fine win. but idk, i have tired to rein it in these last months progressively bc it was consuming me and my nervous system literally couldnt handle it

but. something i still havent figured out how to deal w is my very, very, very bad case of survivors guilt. maybe its gotten a bit better but that makes me feel guilty too. it always does. i try not to let it haunt me but It Always done it haunts me that its somehow not supposed to consume and haunt me

. after everything my own pain and trauma is not what fucks me up the most. its always that its not over for so many others. for so many others its not over, its never over, theyre going through it rn, many worse than anything i ever went through. many that wont make it out alive

.

my best friend says its not my responsibility especially with my crippled health and the little of my fragile sanity to try to do something about it. that spending years trying to do something about sex trafficking or whatever else would break me, eat me up inside, that people who aint traumatized end up killing themselves or alchoholics, shells from what they've seen, so what would it do to me? he says. ive earned my rest, ive earned looking away, ive earned my peace

...

but what does that matter? what it would do to me? he says he doesnt understand why i spend so much time writing and speaking on this shit. at first it was to understand myself. now it is the horror that it is so much more horrible and bad and keeps going, its not me. its others. i always have felt more impacted by seeing others in pain than myself. i never can stand seeing my pain on someone else.

he says he doesnt understand why i look. he says he doesnt understand why i think. he says he doesnt understand why i study. doesnt understand why i want to do something about it when its so horrible

........

but ive been.... lucky. not so but lucky. lucky enouth to live. to get out. to get my "freedom."

but what does "my" individual freedom mean? when others dont have it? what does it matter?....... what does it matter?

it feels like my trauma isnt over through them. its not. im just one person, but for so many its not over. it wont be over. they may never see over until their graves.... time is a flat circle and all

...

and i think, how many? how many? and i think too.... in the history of the balkans, of my people, my women and little girls... how many? for how long?

how many today? everywhere?

how am i supposed to rest easy. how am i supposed to live my life ignoring it

why shouldn't i burn myself out. i already am. why shouldnt i take on the trauma of getting back into it for the sake of others

.

what does my freedom mean without theirs?

.

their screams echo through my head. they were my own once. i have stopped screaming

they have not

[upindreamland]

Part 2 of: In My Arms - Zach Herron

Zach Herron x fem!reader (she/her pronouns) last part of part 1

Summary: Your husband is back after being gone for a while. (angst to fluff)

AN: I couldnt keep it angsty the whole time lol. I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Go read the first part if you want. Angsty at the beginning but turns fluff. Come talk to me once you're done.

————————————————————

(This takes place after Zach gets back from the writing session and the kids are asleep)

Y/N’s POV

There’s an amazing amount of tension in a room that just has two people in it. It’s just me and Zach in the kitchen. The kids have been put to bed hours ago.

I’m sitting on top of the kitchen island, while Zach stands at the entrance of the kitchen. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the glass I was drinking water out of. While I walk over to the dishwasher, I can feel his eyes on me. I just continued with what I was doing. Focusing on my hands and tuning him out. Trying anything to forget that Zach is right there.

Zach got back from the writing session just a couple of hours ago. He spent the time with the kids while I stayed off to the side. I didn’t want to start anything in front of them. They don’t need to experience that. Now that they’re asleep, I don’t have to pretend that everything’s alright.

“Hello? Are you even going to talk to me?” my husband’s voice resounds all around the kitchen as he walks closer to me.

Quickly walking out of the kitchen, I hear Zach slam his hand on the countertop before following after me into the living room.

“Babe, what is going on with you?” he asks. Just by the way he said that, I can tell that he’s becoming increasingly worried.

Sitting down on the couch (that I spent most of the nights crying and sleeping on. I couldn’t sleep on our bed because it brought back so many memories. But, he doesn’t need to know that) I fold my arms and look at anything but him. That is enough for him to know that something is seriously wrong.

“Oh, the silent treatment. Really?” he scoffed while shaking his head.

“Real fucking mature Y/N.” he said sarcastically.

That’s what caught my attention. Quickly standing up and making eye contact with him I can’t help but say,

“Says you, the one who was out partying at a club and chea-“ I cut myself off before I finish the sentence. If I say it out loud, I’m afraid that it might come true. That would be horrible for me and the kids. I know what it’s like to grow up with divorced parents. It's literal shit. I do not want my kids to experience that.

“No, go ahead and say it Y/N. Say it to my face” he responds with malice in his voice.

When I open my mouth to speak, the words get stuck in the back of my throat.

“If you’re going to accuse me of cheating on you at least have the decency to say it to my face” he yells angrily, taking a step towards me.

Shaking my head no, I look down so he won’t be able to see the tears forming in my eyes.

“No what Y/N? You need to talk to me,” the way the tone of his voice changed surprised me. I was expecting him to still yell at me and have that angry look in his eyes. However, when I looked up I saw the worried and caring eyes I fell in love with all those years ago.

Zach walked closer and pulled me into his arms.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you babe. I’m just tired and haven’t been feeling the best without my amazing family by my side. I know that’s not an excuse, but I really need you to talk to me. What’s going on?”

Sniffling I look up at him and I can’t help but to let it all out,

“That night when I called you there was a woman in the background. She asked if you were ready. You hung up right away and said that you didn’t want me to hear her and that was what started it all. I tried telling myself that I was being irrational but then…”

“Y/N, honey…” Zach says

“No, let me finish, please,” he nods, “then I remembered that you didn’t call or answer our calls for five days before that. That put a big toll on me and on our kids. It just hurt so much,” I take a deep breath before continuing. “Then to top it all off, you call me from a club and criticize my parenting,” my voice becomes bitter “when you know how hard I try especially when you’re not here.

“You want to know what really made it worse, I hear that woman’s voice again. I don’t get to see my husband for who knows how long and then, having to hear this woman’s voice every time I call. You weren’t here and I didn’t have anyone's support. That’s why I’ve been…” I get cut off by my own sob.

“…why you have been sleeping on the couch and crying most nights,” Zach finishes for me.

Shock passes my face. I stumble out, “how did you know?”

He can’t help the smile appear on his face, “your incredible kids did. Riley and Sophia told me they saw you crying on the couch one day. And that you never went up to bed and they always heard crying noises,” the smile disappears, “Okay I’m going to explain now but it might be long so be ready,” he finishes.

“You don’t hav-” I start but get cut off.

“Oh no missy don’t even start. I know you want an explanation and you deserve to hear from me.”

He takes a deep breath before continuing.

“I know that you think I was cheating but it was nothing like that. The woman you heard was a realtor. I was looking for a house to buy since I know you wanted a place to travel to during the summer and winter time and that you love that part of the country. I was so busy that when I was done it was already so late that I didn’t want to call. That’s why I didn’t call for those five days. Then when you called, we were just getting ready to go look at a house that I had a good feeling about. She asked if I was ready to leave and I responded how I did because I didn’t want you to hear her because I was afraid she was going to spoil the surprise. I hung up quickly just in case. I’m sorry for that. About what I said in the club, I was drunk and I was just taking my insecurities out on you. I know you’re an amazing mom and those kids wouldn’t be who they are without you. There’s a reason why I put four children in you,” he gives me a cheeky smile.

“I just so happened to run into her at the club with her girlfriend. She said that I had to figure out what I wanted before I left in regards to the houses we saw. I know it must have sounded wrong but it meant nothing. I’m sorry if you felt like I was lying and I’m sorry if it felt like I broke my promises. I know what you were probably thinking at night all alone Y/N. So I’m telling you this right now and I mean it truthfully, you will always be safe in my arms Y/N. Nothing, not even a fucking house can tear us apart.”

I smiled at him, thankful for his explanation. I knew I made the right decision in saying yes when he proposed. All of my worries seemed to disappear. We were going through a hard time in our relationship, but the important things stayed the same. He is an amazing husband and father just as I am an amazing wife and mother. Relationships are never easy but when they get hard, it’s up to the two people in love to make up for it and I think Zach and I did an amazing job. “I understand Zach, I'm so sorry for how I reacted.”

“It’s alright babe. Come on let’s go cuddle upstairs in our bed together, before the kiddos wake up.

And that’s exactly what we did. In each other's arms.

(And yes Zach got me the most amazing vacation house ever. I can’t wait to check it out.)

———————————————

AN: Ahhhh okay here it is. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think down below. Love you all and have a great rest of your day!

- Kara (upindreamland)

#upindreamlandfile #zach herron #why dont we #wdw corbyn #wdw daniel #wdw imagines #why don't we imagine #why don't we #whydontwemusic #zach herron imagine #zach herron x reader #imagines #zach herron fanfiction #zach herron imagines #jack avery imagine #daniel seavey imagine #corbyn besson imagine #jonah marais imagine #zach herron angst #zach herron fluff #zach herron one shot #why don't we fanfiction #husband!zach #husband zach #husband zach herron #wdw zach #wdw music #zach herron fanfic #fluff imagine #angst imagine

[wh0iskyra0]

SPIT IN MY FACE

Warnings- Toxic relationship, mentions of smut, mentions of cheating, mentions of suicide

w.c- 1.1k

A/N- This is not really that long or probably not that good but enjoy I recommend listening to the song while reading.

Chrollo pov

“This is your fault” [name] yelled in my face, I stood there and looked at them, as they walked away they flipped me off while saying “I  dont fucking need you anyway”. 

I walked over  to the couch and turned on the tv, there was no point of running after them “they’ll be back in a few  hours” I said to myself 

Me and [name] used to be happy but then it all just came crumbling down once they caught me “cheating”.

5 months ago

[name]  pov

“Oh my god, yes.” was all I heard when I began to stalk my way to me and Chrollo’s shared bedroom I put my ear to the door and heard some moaning and groaning, I walked away from the door in shook

I went back outside and sat in my car until i saw the girl he was with walk out the house, I got out the car and walked into the house “hey babe” he said coming to give me a hug, he hugged me but i didnt hug him back which i can tell confused him “no hug, what wrong baby” he said looking in to my eyes

“No im fine just a bad day at work” I said hugging him back

I let go of him and walked to the bathroom, i turned on the shower and sat on the side of the bath, I heard a knock on the door

Chrollo walked in and sat on the toilet seat “look baby i know something is wrong” he said grabbing my hand I looked at him with tears in my eyes 

I was angry and already stressed from work. “Who was she?” I said looking at him, he looked at me with a wide expression, his mouth slightly open “w-who is who?” He said with a worried tone 

“Who.is.she” I did with a more serious tone he looked at me with a look of disbelief “look, I just needed someone while you were at work and sometimes you never wanna fuck any more” he said looking at me and letting go of my hand “really.So you just cheat on me?!” I said getting up from the side of the tub.

He looked at me from where he was sitting. “Well sometimes you need to chill.Like it's not that big of a deal” he said looking. “Get out.” I said Turning to turn off the water, and he stood there “I love you.” He said walking out I didn't even respond. I just closed and locked the door and began to take off my clothes. 

Present day 

Chrollo’s pov

I looked over beside me to see it empty, I got up to look for [name] for a minute but i couldnt find them so i looked in the room that we never use anymore, I found them sitting on the floor drinking I looked up at the ceiling and saw a noose hanging, “[name].” I said walking over to them they looked at me  

“what chrollo.” 

They said, picking up the bottle to drink another sip, I took the bottle “WHAT THE HELL?!” they said, looking up at me “come back to bed.” I said picking them up “YOU ARE BEING FUCKING CRAZY, LET ME GO!” they said punching me in the back  I just continued to walk to our bedroom “I dont want to be in this bed…you fucked that whore in this bed” i hear them say quietly “I know, but she didnt mean anything to me cause you're mine.” I said placing them on the bed “I-''they said with tears in their eyes I smiled and kissed them on the forehead.

I looked over at them to see them looking at me “what is it [name]?” I said they said it was nothing and rolled over. I put my hand on their waist and went to sleep.

The next night

Chrollo’s pov

“YOU FUCKING BITCH!”[name] said while trying to hit me all I did was stand there “YOU CRUSHED MY HEAERT TO MANY FUCKING TIMES, AND ALL I SAID WAS FUCKING NOTHING. I FUCKING BLEED FOR YOU AND YOU NEVER SHADED A FUCKING TEAR FOR ME”[name] said while breaking some glass “Calm down [name]” I said

“CALM DOWN, YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN?!” They said, I could see the tears that were starting to form in their eyes. I walked over to them making sure to not step on the glass shards “back up.” they said walking backwards “no.” I said getting closer, they walked in to a wall I got closer and looked in their eyes, they spit in my face I smiled “Fuck you, chrollo” [name] said while pushing me off, i stumble a bit

[name] began to slide down the wall and cry I looked at them with pity “Look baby, im sorry” I said while grabbing their face “your mine and only mine, i'll never trade you for anything in the world” I said putting my forehead to theirs “There you go with that word ‘mine’,is that all you can say that im ‘im yours?” they said, looking at me with watery eyes. I smiled

“No, I can say more things to you, it's just in this time and moment I want you to know that you are mine and no one could ever replace you.” I said with a smile 

They looked at the floor and hugged me I smiled “[name]” I said they looked at me and nodded “Would you cut your friends off for me?” I said they looked at me then back at the floor “w-why would i do that?” They said now looking at me “cause you love me.” I said with a smirk on my face “if you love me you would cut them off right?” I said, "Look at me, I could see them trembling under my gaze. But I love them also, I've known them longer than I've known you.” They said,"I saw tears begin to form in their eyes “And? I'm your boyfriend” I said while letting go of their face they then nodded “But they are my friends, I can't just cut them off like that…''They said

“Okay” I said while getting up “if you dont cut them off im kicking you out.”  They looked at me in disbelief and then looked at the floor “wait...I’ll do it” they said getting up and walking towards me, I smiled at them and opened my arms for a hug, they hugged me and went to get their phone. 

As they began to block all of their friends I gave them a kiss on the cheek with a smile, i pulled them in for a hug 

.

.

.

We love to argue but she loves me

#Spotify #x reader #chrollo x reader #hxh chrollo #hunter x hunter #hxh x reader #chrollo lucilfer #sad #chrollo angust #sad ending #chrollo hunter x hunter

[mejomonster]

My gastroparesis driving me up a wall. And by that i mean ive been barely eating for over a week now and my symptoms still arent improving and im really not havin a great time im exhausted my bodys in pain trying to get me to Rest but i gotta work full time and my abdomen absolutely hurts but painkillers slow digestion even More so ive been laying down on heatpad as much as possible and i really dont wanna go back to an All Liquid diet (but even if i did im at the nausea and vomiting point of a gastroparesis flare which means even liquid only im likely to throw up either way) and like. I just wanna comfort eat bread cause i feel miserable exhausted in pain and it would be a small joy. But bread is absolutely not something i can eat during a flare. I can only eat it when doing good if i take benedryl. Im so angry and tired and id like to sleep for days. And i gotta still Make myself eat chips and protein shakes even tho i got nausea cause my gi meds dont work unless i eat Something. Even if i got nausea and tons of pain wooh

Anyway im getting flack from family for being so tired the last week and i love em and all but its awful feeling guilty for not calling Enough when its like goddamn eating (something humans gotta do at least once a day) hurts phenomenally and i barely can but i obviously desire to like any human then i eat and Ouch my body didnt fucking like that and punished me for it and im so mad. I feel awful and yeah im mad i dont got energy to hide how much pain im in and chat false enthusiastically for 20 minutes after already doing it all thru work. I had 1 teaspoon of peanut butter today and my remaining options are soup broth (but it had beans cooked in it and my body cant take fiber today so idk if its worth the risk of any accidental beans) and salad (which is of course raw vegetables fiber very hard on stomach rn so i can probably just eat a handful size portion and hopefully ill chew enough its mush and my body will tolerate it). And a protein shake (but its got fiber and is made of chickpeas i think for the protein so idk if my body is tolerating it or not im just drinking it so i dont have no calories). I had chips yesterday but i think my body considered it too solid or large to digest idk cause im eveb worse today. I also had toast yesterday cause i was so angry and hungry and wanted comfort food. So of course that messed me up. Which means i should take more benedryl. But then i wont just be hungry and pain tired, ill also be drug tired. And im so sick of being miserablr all day at work just to pass out the second its over cause allergy meds knocked me out then ive lost all day. But without allergy meds i can eat hardly anything i like. I mean i cant eat rn but like. Right before this fuckjng flare and hopefully once its over. Im just sick of it. Im tired and when i go to therapy next week shell probs ask oh what do you do to stress relief and its like... i get it but are u fucking kidding me. Im knocked unconcious from benedryl. And tired anyway cayse no food, and pain nonstop from gi tract. So im barely doing anything. I cant really get outta bed cause i need the 4 sq feet heatpad or ill be in agony over my abdomen. Dont have tv in room so i can use phone i guess. So tired i can barely keep eyes open or think so im not writing reading or watching shows on phone. I can idk listen to a reaction or lets play since if i fall asleep and wake up i dont need to follow a plot. But like im not in a state to be going for a fucking walk (i wish! I wanna dance and walk but my abdomen and back feel awful and im so tired im dizzy when i stand) or hang out w friend, which im sure idk shed prefer to hear some productive ass activity like god im just trying to keep myself employed and out of the ER until the flare rights itself. Please

And i know jts not that bad. Ive been worse. I couldnt eat solid food for 6 months once. I was in the ER weekly it was so bad i blocked most of it outta memory. This is only a couple weeks. And i havent thrown up much! I was throwing up 5 times daily back then. And i have had chips and peanut butter! I recognizr thats nice, i got some solid food and held it down! I know my gastroparesis is EONS LESS severe than it was when it started.

Its just like. It still sucks barely eating for weeks and any eating hurting immensely and nonstop nausea for days and pain not lowering. Like a normal healthy person might snap from anger if they try to go 20 hours without eating, or crash and need to eat to keep going, or just be run down as fuck and justifiable if they barely do anything that day. But i go days like that and im expected to just appear fine and live life normally like im not worn down af and just desperate to not feel nausea and pain and i just really wanna eat again. Normally.

#rant #my health issues

[alphinias]

i want to see kie pine so bad it would be so good and such a different story line than the rest of the boys, bc jb kissed her, pope confessed his love. i wanna see kie pine and drive herself crazy kinda subconsciously like at a party a girls talking to him and she’s like “ damn why am i jealous why do i want to be her” i want kie to confess feelings first so bad. (angry love confession i stand by) . i also want a love confession, i don’t want it to be an awkward “ i like u jj” i want it to be like

imagine- mid arguement

- WHY THE FUCK DO U CARE SO MUCH KIE.

- why do i care. *humoross laugh* why do i fucking care? BECAUSE I LOVE U JJ GODDAMIT. UR THE LAST THING I THINK AB BEFORE I GO TO BED AND THE FIRST THING I THINK AB WHEN I WAKE UP. EVERY GOD DAMN DAY. YOU MAKE ME EXCITED FOR EACH DAY BY JUST GETTING TO SEE UR STUPID FACE. U MAKE MY HEART RACE AND STOMACH FLUTTER W FUCKING BUTTERFLIES AND IK ITS STUPIF AND CRINGY BUT THATS THE ONLY WAY I CAN DESCRUBE IT BC IVE NEVER FELT LIKE THAT BEFORE W ANYONE BUT U. UR ALWAYS IN MY FUCKING HEAD. WHEN IM GONNA SEE U NEXT, WHEN WERE GONNA HAVE A SMOKE SESH NEXT, WHEN U GET OFF F WORK SO I CAN BE NEXT TO U AGAIN. OR JUST IF UR OK FOR FUCKS SAKE. I LOVE UR DUMBASS CUT OFF SHIRTS, AND UR OVERGROWN HAIR AND UR STUPID SMIRK. U CAN MAKE ME LAUGH WHEN MY WORLD SEEMS LIKE ITS FALLING APART, BC U FUCKING HOLD IT TOGETHER. YOU, NOT ANYONE ELSE. U SOMEHOW ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR WHAT TO DO,FUCK, U KNOW ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF. IS THAT HARD TO BELIEVE? U MAKE ME SO GODDAMN HAPPY YET SO FUCKING PISSED AT THE SAME TIME. I CANT STAND U SOMETIMES YET I WANT TO BE AROUND U 24/7. YOU.. YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE , FUCK, CLOUD 9? I HAVE BEEN TO GUY AFTER GUY JUST LOOKIN FOR SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL JUST A FRACTION OF WHAT I FEEL W U. AND I WAS SO GODDAMN FRUSTRATED THAT I COULDNT FIND IT AND U WANNA KNOW WHY I COULDNY FIND IT? I COULDNT FIND IT BC IT IS U DAMN IT, AND IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND THATS NOT FUCKING CHANGING ANYTIME SOON. *pants*

- stunned jj 😦( he needs to call her kiara here) not kie!!!

Anon. Where’s the fic??? Go get a bingo card immediately.

#fiekenendnen #jiara #ask

[muuurder]

HI ITS ME FROM EARLIER(like wayyy earlier)! (i shall give myself the name 'meatball'

okay so i genuinely have no idea how i didnt piece together him being autistic as well as having bpd. it makes perfect sense to me. i can see the vision fully. greta being his favorite person makes sense because typically, youd feel protective over someone you love. but brahms took the extra step. he would literally do ANYTHING for her.

i also think that the theory that he hates baths is wrong. i think it would be virtually IMPOSSIBLE to stay clean while lurking inside walls which also probably have very bad ventilation, plus he isnt supposed to be alive, so... he doesnt have to opportunity to bathe. we've seen his parents and the fire happened when he was 8, so id assume he developed a few habits since he had such strict parents. they probably heavily enforced things like hygiene.

i also completely agree with him only killing cole. the fear of abandonment can make you say and do things that arent entirely healthy. people take his threats to heart and turn him into a monster but he killed cole to protect greta. i mean she did ask for him to help her. he didnt kill Malcolm, he was just in the way a few times. he had already been left by his parents, he couldnt lose greta too.

i just read your headcanons and THE COOKING ONE, I LITERALLY HAVE THE SAME THING TYPED UP IN MY NOTES. he is definitely a helper. i feel like hed stand there and wait to be given a task and as for helping, i have an image of just knocking on a wall and he just spawns like "yes did you need something".

also i can see him having a cat. youd be wondering where him and the cat are, meanwhile theyre both in his room in the walls, just having a good time.

~meatball

YESSSS. Especially about the baths oh my god. I said before but I think he’s very tidy and actually really enjoys being clean. Including clean shave too, which I can’t imagine how rough it must be to shave with his burn scars. They aren’t smooth at all.

As far as Cole, I don’t think he even planned to harm COLE either. He tried to scare him off, I’d wager he’s actually not all that violent by nature. I think the mixture of threat and the he’s taking her from me and going to hurt greta, and the shattering of the sole item that has ever been used to allow him makeshift connection (though I can’t imagine how much resentment he likely has for the damn thing), it all kinda came to a head. Cause mind you his parents also just died, he’s upset and angry like I can’t blame him and honestly good riddens to Cole. He was a bastard. Fuck around and find out imo.

I will offer you this, I think once he gets used to being out of the walls he won’t go back in too often anymore. Possibly might move out. He’s been in there for years, and I feel like the moment you have the opportunity to come out you won’t want to go back in. It’ll feel too cramped and possibly have trauma reactions. Once your out of survival it’s wild how your body collapses. I will say if he does use the walls it’s to be a cheeky bastard. The cat likely won’t go in, king loves bathing far too much lol (at least in my story line).

I also Headcanon he likely has sight issues in one eye (near the burn) and possibly asthma or copd too due to smoke inhilation on top of dust and low air quality in the walls.

Aka the moment you get him comfy and trusting you, y’all making a doctors visit. To what doctor you ask? All of them. Every single one. He hasn’t had medical attention since before he was 8.

#watch me square up with his parents #i have blue hair and pronouns #and love alt fashion #I’m their nightmare #and I’ll solidify it #i swear to god #the amount of trauma he has #he really isn’t a slasher #he’s killed one man on record and that wasn’t even planned or intended #i love him your honor #fuck Cole all my homies hate Cole #brahms headcanons #brahms the doll #brahms heelshire #brahms hillshire #brahms the boy #brahms #the boy movie #the boy 2016 #the boy #quinn speaks

[chrysanthemumpink]

It's crazy but I've been watching Sister Wives and I've learned so much. I can't even begin to describe how much this show has helped me leave him. I've only watched the last 2 seasons and thats all I needed.

So this guy has 4 wives, 17 kids, and is a polygamist. Thoughts on polygamy and polyamary wasn't what got me. Whay got me was that this guy is actually a terrible husband. One guy, terrible to all 4 women and it felt like watching my own relationship issues from 4 different perspectives. In the end, one wife leaves him and its hard for her. Another wife leaves and it was easy emotionally, but before then, she tried so hard...not b\c she wanted him but b/c she felt trapped by finances, money, and her children's relationship with their father. Another one tried to leave too but it fell through. She felt humiliated and tried to win him back. She got scared and went back to what she thought was familiar and safe. And she's been trying for years. The husband is too proud to officially divorce but he has treated her coldly ever since. It's kind of pathetic. She's begging this man to love her again for reasons I don't understand but cant deny that I've been there before. The man is too much of a coward to say no.

And I'll start with the coward part, that's the last thing I said to him. I wanted for months to end things but there were so many excuses why he couldn't see me. I had to just text him. To be honest, we've broken up through text about 4 times. Not uncommon for us, but he took 4 days to respond to anything. There was something about maybe we can be friends or maybe in the future when "we are both in a better place." And my knee jerk reaction was "what the fuck?!" There was genuine anger. I've had this sense of anger for a while now but couldnt put it into words. Its hard to describe being angry at someone who is trying to salvage something. But one of the wives said something.

"You don't love me. Why won't you let me go."

And oh my God. Yes. That's what bothered me and what kept this relationship flip and flop for 4 years. I do think that there was love somewhere but he was too afraid to figure out what happened to that love or even admit that it was gone. Like no?? There is no future or doors left open. So I told him that he was a coward. Too afraid of losing me but also too afraid to admit it isn't working.

I will admit he was hard seeing him date someone else. It was even harder when I realized she was 22 and still in college. He's 34 in February. And that was just strange. I didn't think he was someone that would do that. It really made me wonder who it was I was actually dating. We broke up and it's like the person I knew doesn't exist anymore. Maybe I'm just jealous of a younger woman but I'm 27. I remember being 22, and dating someone like him is not something that would have ended well. Heck, I was 22 when I met him but he was 28. The first time we kissed was the day before his 29th birthday. It wasn't weird but you'd think he'd move forward, not backwards or whatever this is. And i find myself actually worried about this girl.

Anyway, I will admit it was hard to stay away. We've broken up before. In app honesty, him dating someone new never stopped us from getting back together. It sounds awful but I'll never forget when we wernt dating but definitely more than friends. And he asked me to hang out with him and his girlfriend because she was new in town and wanted friends. We went to the park and she told me that you said i loved Disney. I dont love Disney, he just inteprets anything animated as "Disney." I explained that and we laughed, two weeks later he said he couldn't stand her and missed laying his head in my lap. I guess I did have a chance to see who he really was.

But everytime I watched Sister Wives I could see myself in them. I knew what I wanted to be and what I didn't want to be. It made me feel less lonely in a way. Like it's possible to get through this. And I could watch how they did it and felt better.

This has gone on for too long. But I moved. Our long distance was supposed to be temporary. When I moved, we were supposed to become stronger and things would be better. We were going to discuss getting more serious, like m word serious. But we didn't make it till then. And now I'm here and I'm so glad he's not a part of this. I got a new phone and there's no pictures of him, no messages, and no desire to even add his number again. Hes gone and I really didn't think I'd get here.

I think he's gone for good now. If anyone reads this and I get back with him, you're allowed to yell at me. I kind of don't know what to do with myself now. I can't even imagine what another relationship would look like for me. That's how disillusioned I am. But I'm also really relieved it's over and that I don't miss him like I used too.

#Leo x Pisces #leo x pisces #sister wives

[pinkseas]

9 and 26 😎😎

9. tell a story about your childhood

okay SO. this one is a Little Bit Funny actually ngl. i am !! not an angry person. it takes a LOT to make me mad at anything and far more for me to hold onto that anger for more than a few seconds. but when i was like VERY early teens one of my cats got stuck in a tree. not even MY cat, it was my brothers and he was really mean tbh but i found him up in a tree (and i love climbing, but it was Not a climbable tree for me) and i. called my mom. and i dont remember why i was so pissed, i think maybe one of my parents had been more casual/calm about it? but i very much remember being SO angry leaving a voicemail, i was crying, i was demanding we call the fire department (there was NO fucking way they were getting out to that tree. no way. its in the middle of a very big forest.) i was SO fucking mad that my parents could be so calm and so collected when my CAT was in a TREE!!!!!!!! he was STUCK he was SCARED he couldnt get down i was genuinely like. standing there below the tree bawling. it was very upsetting at the time but looking back it makes me giggle a lot. and we DID end up getting him down, it took a few days and Admittedly A Chainsaw but he ended up completely fine, just a little hungry.

26. fave colour and why?

pink !!!!!!!!!! blue and purple are EXTREMELY close seconds and it was actually blue for a lot of my life but now its pink. specifically more of a pastel shade, and after that i really like like that dusty rose color, so generally i prefer it more soft and muted. and like that idk its just. its a warm color without being overpowering, its soft and its kind and i associate it a lot with myself? and being happy with myself? blue when it was my favorite i always associated with home and with other people, i still do, but pink feels very Me and i really like that. in theory that is conceited but idk i just. really love it its such a lovely color

#TY FOR THE ASK !!!!!!!!!! #sorry i rambled a lot i love rambling during ask games its so fun #ask game

[nonnycuh]

please be kind to yourself, i wish i was able to understand everything that goes on in that beautiful brain of yours

it must be so damn exhausting to wake up and not feel comfortable with where youre at everyday

the pain you recieve and yet you still continue to tolerate shows how drained you are, i see it and i know you do too

your trauma or past choices should not be used against you no matter how angry/emotional the person is

you should feel safe and not worry if the next conversation you have will end in tears

chemistry means more than anatomy, sex is not a necessity its suppose to be a shared moment where two people are both physically emotionally and mentally loving eachother

if its forced or one sided then it loses all meaning

i feel like im watching you thru the window pane destroy yourself in order to appease other people who struggle to give you the bare minimum

but theyre trying people right? theyre showing effort? do you realize it was after they lost you or feel like youre slipping away?

these are just my thoughts that i couldnt express verbally because 1. i really suck at it and 2. i dont want you to feel like im attacking you or trying to solve your problems and 3. im afraid

i appreciate you so much, youre so so so special to me. hasnt been a moment where i didnt think of you since we met. and as shitty the circumstances are, i aint going nowhere and imma stand on that till im 6 ft under.

tired of fucking around and being the temporary person so instead of being a reflection of what happened to me in the past thru family friends n partners. im going to prove to myself that i can be better.

anh chi khong muon em buon nua

em dep qua trong minh voi ben ngoai dung cho moi ngoui lam em nua boun douc khong?

[1186e]

hi. so like. i fucked up. i fucked up severely. i know i did, and i can take full responsibility for that now. if youre wondering why it took eight months, well, we can leave it at there were complications, number one being i thought you didnt want something like this. from the moment i was clearheaded enough to start writing an apology, the lack of any word from you made me wonder if you really wanted one. and then todds message would ring in my head and tell me it wasnt wanted here at all.

i dont really know how to convey how much i regret everything or how to even apologize correctly but i figure ive got to do this one way or another. i just really dont want to leave off with… whatever the fuck i said in psychosis, i can barely remember. all i have are my assumptions on what i fucked up, but assumptions are what got me here in the first place, so this is about to be Very Unprofessional And Meandering

ok so the first and most obvious thing to apologize for is. the repeated attempts at disappearing. trying to explain why is like trying to untangle a gordian knot. all i can say is im sorry. im sorry it happened and im sorry it kept happening and im sorry i hurt you. i quite literally wasn't thinking. i was reacting to things i did not tell you about in the moment like some kind of wounded animal. there is a lot a lot a lot i kept from you since december 2019 and like. i really regret keeping it all to myself. maybe having told people would have changed something, but thats a what-if no one can do shit about, and it dont matter any more. i think ive left enough ghosts regardless of whether or not i wanted to

with that out of the way i can try to explain it in other ways. one of the things i really want to say here is there was no resentment. this wasnt a "holding grudges and exploding at the last minute" thing. i was never angry. i did not get that across, ever. i cant think of a time in the last 3 years where i was ever actually mad at you. again, i dont think it ever really seemed like that. i want to say again: you never did anything to make me mad or upset. the reality on my side was much more messy and confusing cos i barely know myself at the best of times, and i know ive been mad about plenty of OTHER things, which makes it more confusing to parse. i want to clarify: you did nothing to upset me or make me hold grudges. the last time, the one i remember the most, i did not leave cos you made me mad or upset or insulted or something. this is going in circles now but what im trying to get to is i thought you wanted me gone. it was fear. i thought all of you there couldnt stand me. a simple sentiment that comes from a clusterfuck of extremely confusing circumstances and signals, and a prophetic one. everything seemed to say i wasn't wanted there. i dont know how to word this except that like. it felt like i was treated different? in a way i could never put words to. a feeling of being on thin ice, or seeing how everyone reacted to each other and seeing how they reacted to me and feeling like it was. less. less good. less enthusiastic. i have no clue if it was the depression refusing to let good memories or good things remain in my brain or the other disorder convincing me the good was somehow bad but i felt like i was a minor character to use. a stupid metaphor. every time i wanted to leave or left it was chasing a feeling of 'i have to go now or they'll kick me out, or im on the cusp of making them hate me somehow'.

anyway what im trying to get to here is just this: you did nothing wrong. you couldn't have known this, or anything going on with me, since i didnt tell anyone and i didnt even realize what was happening until i physically got away from some people i was forced to be around irl. and i know this sounds like an excuse or something but i could not exist around them without them reinforcing incredibly bad habits and insecurities. you did the best you could with the scraps i gave anyone. none of this is your fault. i kept. a lot a lot a lot of secrets cos i was scared of telling people. anything i guess. i am a moron and it is my fault cos i thought i could handle everything on my own back then if only i could try harder and the only thing it did was result in confusing everyone around me + breaking down some of the best relationships in my life. one of those was you, in case it isnt clear.

anyway. back to the point. i know now it feels like i was giving you the silent treatment or attempting to punish you for something unless im getting that very wrong. i have only recently been exposed to people talking about how it feels to be on the other end of this also. i didnt think about how it feels to have someone suddenly and without warning pull away from you (obviously) especially when its not only been once but a repeated occurrence. i also know it doesnt make sense to someone thinking normally, but in those delusional (and when i say delusion i mean it with sincerity, not exaggeration or self depreciation), incredibly stressed out moments, the backwards thinking of "if they want me around they'll reach out, if they don't they wont" felt like it was logical. sometimes people run when they want to be followed but how the fuck are you supposed to know that? the insane logic of "if these people really loved me theyd violate the boundary they thought i put up". no part of this makes sense to me anymore but its easy (for me) to trace the disordered thinking into why it did at one point. but its not healthy and its a stupid as fuck thing to try to pull on other people. and its not good cos. the only person who ever followed that logic and approached me when i was isolating was someone who Wanted to isolate me.

and i know it sounds delusional to say someone could do this and do it on a basis where they didnt want to hurt someone (it quite literally is!) but that was. basically the only thought in my head at the time. i thought my presence was an active detriment + i didnt think i would be noticed if i was gone + i thought leaving would make things better for other people + my first instinct when dealing with the. incredibly intense emotions i was going through at the time is self isolation and online that always seems to manifest as freak out and delete everything or try to + i thought i was approaching the point where i was going to be left so my kneejerk reaction was to leave and be hurt on my own terms or at least leave until the feeling passes + L all around. and im taking the leap right now (too late) in trying to trust that this was all just made up in my head and you felt none of this (at the time at least), this was all transference on my part from. this other. honestly really terrible group i was in (i think i complained about them once or twice where you could see, but about other. petty things i could find words for and not. some other things). and from people i talked to everyday constantly trying to convince me of this. i dont think like this anymore. i recently got back into contact with some people i used to be close with years ago who people irl made sure i isolated myself from and the realization that i can be missed and thought about when im not there hit me like running into a brick wall. i know this sounds like. stupid as shit and probably fake but like. i just was convinced of it?

one thing i have to stop and try to explain here is these actions were like. normal to me. no hostile intent behind them. i have friends that do this to me all the time. i have one whos disappeared on me for months at a time who ive been friends with for a decade, who doesnt answer a single message until she suddenly does and is back until she disappears again. i got used to it i guess. i had another friend group who does this all the time, too (that one i just mentioned), so i didnt think anything of it. people have done it to me irl as well so i guess i just. thought you would react like i do and put it out of your mind until it resolved itself (and if you think 'hey this is contrary to the wanting to be followed idea', it is, and its cos im a hypocrite and my brain followed no logic). i thought the reason id fucked up these times myself was i couldnt cut and go as cleanly as they could cos part of me still wanted to just. stay. and play stupid games with you. i didnt realize my absence would be noticed, i thought it would be better for everyone if i was gone for at least a while, i didnt realize the kind of panic and worry that instills in normal people (especially since when id isolate before i ever met you guys it never seemed to), i didnt think it was possible for someone to worry over me, and i didnt know that sort of thing was linked to something traumatic for you specifically. i wish you'd told me earlier. or maybe you did and i fucking forgot, in which case, im sorry for that too, ive been incredibly tunnel visioned on my own situation for. years. and its made me a really. really shitty friend

i dont think i ever like once opened up to you or anyone about. anything? any of this. any of how my brain worked or how i was doing or what was going on. i bitched a lot, more as the situation i was in actively got worse and made me a worse person , but like. i dont think i ever actually had a conversation with any of you about it. and thats my fault. this is like, really stupid to admit after it already happened, but part of me was sure if i did, if i was really honest and you got a look at how fuckt all my problems were, you'd leave.

and i want to say that came out of nowhere but i cant. i had another group of friends, mentioned before, where that also felt normal. there was someone in there who weaseled my bpd diagnosis out of me and then she like. used this as an example of why i was a bad person and couldnt be trusted, cos she had someone who hurt her who had bpd or something, but they let me stay "on thin ice" if she could "mediate those behaviours". this resulted in a lot of very confusing shit i can barely remember aside from the fact it started around the same time we got the kicked outnotice, around september 2020. but one of them i do remember was when id say i cared about someone or drew something for them she accused me of lovebombing people and said "if people really cared about what you were giving theyd give something back, so stop". and every time i tried to google it i felt like i couldnt prove her wrong. so i ended up like. stopping any and all displays of affection to friends. that statement alone ended up reinforcing a terrible ass. transactional view of things that i know i ended up freaking out with you about at least once. and im sorry about that, too. it was beyond ridiculous and theres no excuse for that

anyway if this feels like its not related to anything, one of the things i wanted to apologize for is im not sure if you noticed like. a sudden drop off in my ability to express affection to you or other people but. that was why. and then while i was high and struggling to get my head around something that happened to me in early april that group exploded and she pointed at me and said i was a terrible person. which is about when i came back with the. im not sure if im remembering what i said right but "why do you care" and the. what was the other thing? that it was better without me? i didnt mean it as angry although i can understand now why in that situation itd be interpreted as lashing out. i meant it as a genuine question. i did not get that across. i was struggling to understand why anyone would care about me at all at in that moment and also very out of touch with reality. maybe fuckin (dialogue tags) like an elcor would have helped idk. i dont know why i suddenly messaged you out of the blue like that all i can think of is like. youd made the feeling go away before and i was hoping that could happen again but i had no clue how to approach anyone first of all and secondly thats a ridiculous burden to put on another person and im so sorry for that

i remember something like insisting i wasnt an attentionwhore when youd messaged me before and like i know you must have not had a fucking clue where that came from and i didnt know where to go with an "okay" so i didnt. say anything. and it was a ridiculous outburst cause by like. this terrible thing that happened in april that goes back to march that like. i still dont know how to talk about. but something happened and when i tried to tell people about it i made the mistake of assuming these people liked me and when i tried to come clean about something that had happened to me i got called an attentionwhoring freak and i got dropped in favour of. someone else. and i was trying really really really fucking hard to act normal but i could interact with nothing and do nothing except give my things away and stare at a screen and i didnt know who i could tell and it was your birthday month and i didnt want to make it about me but i fucking. did in the end. ruined that whole thing. im sorry i fucked up april for you and im sorry i never finished that art i said id make for it and im. sorry i never told you anything earlier that could have averted this. the timing was too awful it was too close to. your birthday and we were always doing something in that mmo and it felt like something bad was always happening to you too and. i dont know. i thought it was a space i couldnt take up and that no one wanted me to. i guess it all comes back to the fear again i was too scared to ask if i could tell anyone and i was too scared to. admit anything was happening. even after the point where it was really obvious. if i admitted it i had to admit to myself i didnt have control over what had happened

although from everything that was said to me im assuming i ruined things long ago and no one ever told me. so to the point: im sorry i ruined your life and for being a shitty friend. i'm sorry for being so fucking weird and cagey and unable to explain or communicate anything at all. now that ive been actively trying to trust someone theres nothing i regret more than not being able to do it sooner and all the fuckin. hurt and confusion my lack of trust caused

another thing i want to apologize for is like. the several times id tried to talk to you about something but came off very aggressively. i never realized how weird it was to approach people like that until like. well for one your reactions to it. but until i left the situation i was in irl and got to interact with a Normal Person everyday that was just like. how things happened around me. i didnt realize it wasn't normal, i thought that like, your patience and kindness and understanding in response was abnormal and i didnt know how to respond to that. i mean, it certainly defused me every time. you are like a master of deescalation but im guessing that comes with your job. anyway what i wanted to say here was i'm sorry for always approaching things so aggressively, especially if that was the lashing out. i thought i was learning to communicate better but i wasn't. i certainly wasnt fucking communicating That or Anything that was Happening. and like im sorry for the stress that caused you being faced with sudden aggression like that and trying to figure out what the fuck my problem was

another thing i want to apologize for is the like. idk how to describe this one except for "promoting callouts and cherry picking". i know you already know what im referring to. i dont know why i did this considering it fed back into my paranoia too but the only thing i can think of is considering how fucking shitty my situation was i wanted control over something. and sometimes that was 'look at how terrible these people are'. which is not an excuse for the behaviour, i should have remembered you were also in a shitty situation you had little control over. ever since i got to live away from the toxic sludge dump and got medicated this literally means nothing to me but i know it probably stoked your own paranoia too and im sorry about that. everything i brought up was a ridiculous thing to draw lines over. memories of some of the things id gotten tilted over come back to me sometimes and i put my head in my hands. im sorry for the stress i caused here too!

im trying to think of other stupid ass things ive done and like. i am also sorry for being. so secretive? if you understand. like telling you not to tell people stuff. i think you already know what sort of complexes were making me do that, given how many times ive told people stuff and then had them turn around and make fun of it in a private group. but also i was not dealing w that in a healthy way at all and making some pretty ridiculous demands, like of even keeping something from your twin? even something that innocuous? i want to say im not that stupid but i was the one who asked. and to that end i dont care what you do with this apology or who you share it with im sure theres shit in here that deserves to be made fun of to hell and back.

and that is all i can remember to apologize for, but im assuming to have been cut out like that there must be a shit ton im not remembering. one of the only things i can remember you saying before you left was "you say you wont be an asshole but are" and thats just vague enough it could be literally anything i just brought up, but if its not one of those, and you want an apology for it. you know where to find me on discord i assume im in your block list. also if you just want to like. yell at me. for all of this. you can. its fine. you can do that and then block me again idk and like. thats what i get

and i know this is a whole ass fucking essay and i really really hope this is 'explanation' and not 'excuse'. i dont want any of this to excuse what i did, because i know it was fucking awful and i will never be able to apologize enough for what i put you through. to use one of those cliche apology lines, but like with sincerity, there is no excuse for my behaviour, and none of what happened is your fault. its mine and a result of my fuckups and my insecurities and my twisting myself into knots. you were like unfailingly kind and patient even when i read you or a situation wrong, the only fault here lies with me and my trust issues and the fact i could just not. get myself to believe. and being too zeroed in on what i was going through to consider how i was affecting other people. now that i actually want to be here there are like. so many things i wish i could go back and change. but i cant. i have to live with how i was immature and emotionally reactive and terrified of everything and. everything i fucked up when i thought i would not live long enough to see the consequences. i guess another thing i want to apologize for is theres definitely some times i probably made you feel like you were still at your job dealing with a child lmfao

a lot of this happened cos like. i dont know how to put this (how many times have i written that so far) other than being like. completely unaware of what i am to people and desperate for some kind of indication i was as significant in other peoples lives as they were in mine, which felt fundamentally impossible, but was also something i was just too fucking scared to ever try to ask directly. or i guess it felt like if i had to ask i was being manipulative or forcing you into a situation where you had to give a nice answer cos you didnt want to upset me or something and i didnt. want that. (which i guess ties in again to lack of trust. like not trusting you to give an honest answer. im not sure why) which makes no sense cos in the end the trying to see without asking ends up. more manipulative? i mean thats obvious but the thought somehow never occurs in the moment. and i could not read any of you at all and the feedback loop was an electric chair. or i guess like. i was constantly asking the question 'do you still love me even though im made of flaws' again and again until i got the no that validated my worldview. and i did not reciprocate the care shown to me at any point. i could not love u or anyone in a way that mattered.

i guess what it comes down to is i was a massive cunt and for what. i dont even know anymore. i sit here and the self preservation looks stupid as shit and didnt even preserve my self in the end, and was directed at the wrong fucking people. king of making mountains out of grains of rice on the floor.

i dont like. want to be your friend again or even forgiven. i dont think this works like that i dont think ideserve that. i just want to end things on a less confusing note i guess. i hope this is less confusing. somehow? it is all of my fucking issues irt what lead to this laid bare i guess or at least as bare as i can make it right now and if all you have in response is a "get help and leave me alone freak" itd be deserved

i guess to get to the actual point of all this. im sorry. you deserved better than this. i think i might have made it feel like you were responsible for my emotions or behaviour, which i didnt want to, and you werent. i was responsible for every shitty reaction and thought i had no matter the circumstances, i was the one who could have brought things up and made myself feel better at any point but i never did. and i never knew what i needed in the moment so i asked for stupid things that never helped and only confused people, especially when i didnt realize the scope of what id done and tried to move on asap since lingering on the. memories of the things that instigated whenever this would happen was. a lot.

you met me at the weirdest fucking time in my life and i wish i could have been a good friend instead. im sorry for everything, for not learning how to communicate in time to avert this dumbass self-created tragedy of an ending, for the bad faith takes, for the aggression, for any worry or panic i created. i wish i could make things better or fix things or make amends somehow but like i have no clue how to and i dont think anyone would let me. you have a lot of good people looking out for you! im sure they can help you better than i can. i was the one who pushed this until it broke so it feels like the only thematically fitting thing i can do is disappear right this time.

i dont expect you to look past any of this shit or even respond but like, if you have been at any point, please dont worry. about me trying to contact you again or just about me in general. im not your problem anymore and im in a way better space. i guess one last thing i regret is not being able to leave my situation in time for that to really matter here. i hope untangling the things we wrote together hasnt been too painful for you. im sorry i turned out to be the kind of person who has to try to write a hedge maze of an apology like this. this is like not even an apology anymore its just like a goodbye letter and its taking ages so

i do want to let you know you were unfailingly kind to me and its my fault i floundered and didnt know how to react to that. im sorry i wore out that kindness and patience. im sorry for all the love i was too stupid to know what to do with and forgot about and now can never repay even for the bits i do remember. this was not a relationship i wanted to push until it broke but i did! i thought in the moment i was only hurting myself but i wasnt! it never crossed my mind that someone who is your friend can't stand there and watch you hurt yourself without being hurt in turn. and im sorry that now we both have to deal with the fallout of. me. i hope in some way this makes that easier on you at least. it wasn't your fault, you werent responsible for my behaviour, i won't bother you again, and i realize now that going dfe and not giving anyone a name to block was like, a shitty paranoia inducing thing to do, so here's me giving you one. i hope the damage i did for you doesnt last long + the detox and recovery is. not so bumpy at least

i really dont know how to end this since like. everything ive read about apologies in the past few months (you can laugh at me for looking. none of it helped) says like. tell them how you wont repeat this. i cant tell you that cos there is nothing to repeat cos there is nothing here and nothing to go back to. i guess what i can say is im sorry i made it that way. now i live with someone who doesnt love to trigger those same relationship paranoia spirals. about the best thing to come of this situation, even if it didnt seem like it at the time, was that it was enough of a world-shattering event to make me realize physically i had to get away from where i was or nothing would ever change. i think cos of this, and cos of some things you guys taught me that i can only try applying now, i can be a better friend to people. but not you. i wish i could refund you guys any of the damn money you spent on me

ok so like. this has dragged on forever. both this and the waiting for. so thank you for being in my life for the short period you were. the three years (and a half?) we knew each other were good i think you guys were one of the best parts of those years despite how i acted. i wish id been more grateful and im sorry i wasnt as good a friend to you as you were to me. i hope the rest of december is good to you and i hope the holidays and new years are fun. i fucked up last nye cos i thought you didnt want to spend time with me and was trying to play it off casually, and you deserve better than that, too, so like i hope the one you get this time is better and memorable. i hope the rest of your life is happy and you get back the good you put into the world someday. thank you for taking the time to read this far. alright. goodnight and goodbye

#so much for keeping it short whatever one shot no editing. this is how it goes out #'like' isnt even a real to me anymore but i keep putting it in every other word #so long and goodnight hope you had the time of your life etc etc ok. send tweet

[ventingrage]

6/16/23:

I woke up today completely shaken and half in tears. I havent thought about you for a while, life has been busy. I had a very realistic dream about you and when I was trying to talk myself down from being so upset to my one friend who knows about you, I started bawling. So here goes:

I was with my parents out somewhere by the coast I think, and we were able to see the different military planes flying. I was looking on my flight radar app and somehow I caught a glimpse of you getting into the 2nd back seat of this older type plane, perhaps a WWII model with the big metal wings and fin. You got into it and I was standing/floating/idk, but trying to keep somewhat hidden so you didnt see me. I got to watch you taxi out and take off. I was so excited to see you fly. My parents were in some building having dinner maybe but I had stepped out to watch all of this. So anyways, you guys pull up and go straight up into the sky doing some kind of spin maneuver. A second plane came up behind you and did the same. All of a sudden the second plane took a nose dive and I saw this white smoke poof out from the back but had lost a visual on it. Suddenly yours did too. I stood frozen as my jaw dropped and I started praying out loud “no no no… no, no… he cant be dead.” I walked in to my parents like a zombie and said, “he died…. They crashed, and i just saw him die….” It didnt make sense, you were grounded, you shouldn’t have been flying. My dad didnt realize why I was crying so hard so I had to play it off like it was simply just witnessing that. I started looking at news channels on my phone, facebook, anything, but no reports so I was hoping maybe it wasnt true. No…. They just had to notify families first. All of a sudden I’m in this conference type room with all kinds of people and military personnel. I didnt recognize anyone. I saw four white marbel slabs up on this short stage, and each one had a wreath of flowers on it and a flag behind it. I couldnt see the names. Quietly I meandered up to the front and asked what the name on it said. They moved the wreath and it was your title and name. I grasped my hand over my mouth and backed away slowly. All of a sudden they were handing your folded flag to your daughters. They seemed younger though, curly hair, white and black dress, smiling….could tell they had no idea what was going on. Your ex took a picture of them with the flag. I wanted to run over to her and yell at her but I kept my distance bc no one knew me.

I swear to you, it was so freaking real. My heart was pounding, and like I said, I was crying feeling like I lost you. Maybe it was my mind mourning the loss of you, trying to get past things subconsciously. If in my mind you are dead, then my heart can’t hurt anymore. It really fucked me up, watching you crash in that dream…. I’ve been having flash backs to it through the day. Just had to get it out on here incase for some reason I want to show you after you get out. I’ve tried looking for you, trying to find where you are being held. I can’t find you on any federal or state jail pages. I just wish I knew where…. I had a no caller id come up a couple days ago. Keep wondering if it was you. I guess I’m past the sad and angry phase now, and kind of at an “it is what it is” phase. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re learning more about yourself and why you did everything you did, including ghosting me, yet again.

[keepthesethoughtsinsideyou]

2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you,  you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it.