#so long story short i cant fucking draw people. i can draw all sorts of beasties but alas the human Face has always eluded me unless im

[1495-gauge]

there's that fucked up three-eyed thing that lives in the woods. whose turn is it to chase it off again??

#submas #submas art #so long story short i cant fucking draw people. i can draw all sorts of beasties but alas the human Face has always eluded me unless im #drawing direct from reference #which simply means. i guess come up with ideas where i get to draw a lot of pokemon and maybe some dude From A Distance #anyway i really like all the like. one of them has to go a little fucking nuts in the woods. aus #submas microwave au #you see a subway boss from far away and his eyes shine like medallions just like his hat pin #in the naked twilight of a snowy night where everything glows and nothing is truly dark #and maybe he's got a mega concussion and amnesia #get adopted by creatures. idiot #submas ingo #i just feel like in an age and era where 'unusual/strange human' = dog thats going to maul my face #that this would. not go well yk #ft his little clown shoes. theyre so funny to me. little as in honkin big #loud booming calls in a language known only to it. even the zoroark seem to shun it #taking a mockery of its shape and trying to chase it down #though some in turn embrace it #seen especially commonly with ghost pokemon #perhaps its a ghost itself? #whatever it is. its not allowed in camp

[red-dyed-sarumane]

what if i went off about some of my favorite songs ever

kyuuyaku hankagai - hiiragi magnetite: everyone knows i love this. i just love everything about it. we really get both sides of the picture story wise with it- both the fact the world is literally, physically getting destroyed, and all of the mental torment the characters are dealing with. it still has that magu series weird wording but it gets everything across that it needs to. the instrumental is just as heavy as the scenario with added dramatics in parts that really make it for me. all the long notes to simulate screaming. the seamless addition of both the nami no ne no & rute furute woa motifs (& a possible 3rd? theres still parts in here i cant figure out yet) makes me so emotional. if u have no idea about the series its still a solid song. 10000/10 i cannot fully express my love for this song in words i just need it on repeat full volume for weeks on end.

ai wo - null: impossible for me to explain why i love this so much without oversharing. i keep telling myself not to rank this song so high but ive never felt so seen before. null's lyrics are both poetic & still hit every raw emotion where it hurts. the whole being left alone ur whole life & wishing it wasnt that way, that everything wasnt so empty, that someone could love u the way u need & never got. i want everyone to hear this song and i also want to gatekeep it. it became so important to me in such a short time & itll be hard to ever rival it

arikitari heroes - 150suzu: im not immune to nostalgia. shuuenpro is executed entirely different to aru sekai series & i have to judge from entirely different criteria & that said i really always loved how this one sort of summarized the series in a way that highlighted all the strife in it & made it subjective rather than an objective summary. the chorus is so high its like theyre crying out which fits entirely. i still have the video embedded in my mind & its been a hot minute since ive watched it. my teenage self thought it was so deep & even with a different perspective now i cant entirely discount those feelings. anyway i still really love it i could still listen to it for weeks on end if i wasnt busy keeping up with other things. i do not say it lightly when i say this is the song i have listened to the most in my entire life i used to spend Months straight listening to it. beloved.

tachiiri kinshi - mafumafu: i was sooooooo normal about this in high school (lying). its still high on my list of breakdown songs. like damn its been 8 years and it still holds up the same. between this & ai wo that just gives away 90% of my problems. imagine solving isolation by letting people in cant be me. anyway i was obsessed with drawing the girl from the video for a while idk how many doodles i still have left but she was Everywhere on my school work. normal person behavior.

jishou mushoku - nekobolo: song that has pulled the most weight in keeping me alive. where would i be without it. sometimes the mood is so bad this is still the only thing i can listen to some days.

rokuchounen to ichiya monogatari - kemu: the real reason i fell down the voca rabbit hole. still adore the song & find it hugely nostalgic, but there was a reason i connected with it when i was younger & being able to recognize how fucked up that was makes it also a painful reminder id rather bury. song fucks tho love how every rhythm game its in will destroy u trying to play it.

konmei no aji - savasti: regardless of the real meaning of the song this will always be a dissociation song to me not in the sense it makes me dissociate but rather in the spaceyness & disconnect it reminds me of the feeling but in a safer way to deal with it. personally i prefer rire's cover

taishou x - yurry canon: u will appreciate this song now right now its so under appreciated for a yurry canon song. god the fucking "i'm still living the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. as it is i will never be you. theres no reason in living, but just the same theres no point in dying is there?" [punching a wall] i like it a normal amount

kaiko no kanmuri - dopam!ne: god this song fucks so hard and yet its still edgy. i dont even really know how to explain what i feel with this one beyond i love it. its a kind of waiting for the right time to strike for revenge kinda song? idk its my absolute fave dopam!ne song i love a lot of his songs but this one just really does it for me

haru no sekibaku - inaba kumori: kutabireta atashi ga dame dattan da ne. yeah. the overall mood of this song hits just right all too often. sorry lag train this is the defining inabakumori song to me.

hyperlexia - yamaji: the space in this one also gives me a sense of vague dissociation. i just really love the whole reading between the lines not going to fall for lies anymore mood its got going on. a misguided sense of personal revolution that probably wont end in anything meaningful but i particularly like the song.

#this is far from extensive but it is relatively in order #i started this for fun & then ended up like ohhh the problems are obvious regardless of how much i say #dont worry about it im the cool fun well adjusted mutual theres no problems to speak of its fine #could also add harumakigohans saikai #if i was doing more than one per artist theres would be quite a few mafumafu songs for sure #but this is enough for now #debated adding jyokyo's wakatteruko-san but i absolutely dont have it in me to admit some things publicly #regarding my relationship with that song #thinking too much & shutting down now byebye

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Companions and their mental health statuses?

(Wrote this while listening to a Spotify playlist named "going absolutely fucking apeshit" anyway- I'm gonna split this up by what I think character wise...and then my experiences with these seggsy bitches in game bc boy, it's been wild)

Cait:

•Sufferer of severe trauma throughout her life.

•Shit just gets worse

•Fights for her life and has a strong love for psycho before a special someone convinced her she is worthy of being loved

•Trust issues out the wazoo..for sadly, good reasons.

•Maybe not the worst on the list, but definitely up there.

In game experience...

•GOD DAMN FALLOUT VERSION OF LYDIA- like seriously? Gtfo the doorway! I'm getting blown up!

•Hates everyone and everything except sole and breaking the law.

Curie:

•Actually not all that bad...except for secret abandonment issues.

•Usually masks it by burying herself in research.

•As far as these poor bastards go, she's probably one of the most mentally stable- which is scary.

In game experience.....

•Sweet Frenchie with asshole pets.

(I don't travel with her often 🥲)

Danse:

Pre-Blind Betrayal-

•Confirmed sufferer of PTSD

•Blames himself for the death of several team members.

•Evidence points towards un-talked about alcoholism.

•Seems to be attracted to power armour..

•Not very good but not the worst on this list..

Post-Blind Betrayal-

•Same as above but add on identity crisis times a thousand and two.

•Will literally kill himself (or let you kill him) if you don’t convince him otherwise.

In game experience....

•Fucking goes apeshit, pre or post BB

•Completely unaware of his surroundings unless it has to do with vertibirds flying over head, then it's time for guerrilla warfare. "Fate has decreed that you must die!"- he speaks, drawing a laser rifle.

•Has been caught on multiple instances doing drugs out of the drug vending machine in Nuka World despite clearly being against them.

Deacon:

•Probably one of the more mentally fucked.

•Lost his wife in front of his own eyes in a notably terrible way.

•Escapes his deep seeded pain through his elaborate schemes, justifying it by telling himself it helps his organization.

•Still feels like shit every waking minute.

•Cant really allow himself to get close to anyone because of his experiences.

In game experiences...

•Asshole

•Jumpscare king, mainly because I didn't know he changed outfits THAT often.

•Doesn't like physical affection???  Shit that actually makes sense..

•Stalker.

Gage:

•He's pretty "meh" on the sanity scale. He's ruthless, but he's entirely stable besides his attachment issues.

•Trusts too easy and hates himself for it...also tries to make himself not be that way and for the most part, it works!

•Problematic raider.

In game experience...

•Makes stupid comments at inappropriate times as though he wishes for the enemies to murder us

•Thinks that walking through walls is entirely possible and gets stuck every time I run with him

Hancock:

•The actual worst on this fine list of mentally messed up individuals.

•Self worth is just nonexistent despite being a pretty all around decent guy

•Uses drugs to cover up terrible trauma to the point of putting himself in the greatest danger just short of dying

•Oh yeah, doesn't mind death actually.

•Doesn't feel worthy of anything deep down.

in game experience...

•Shoots sole for stealing shit in the third rail

•Unhinged

•Sits for hours

Macready:

•Lost his wife in a horrific way

•Only has his son, who he is convinced is going to die sooner than later because of something he can't control

•Willing to do everything if it means caps to send to his sick child

•Doesn't really have a place to call his "home"

•Reckless and unforgiving

In game experience...

•Being nice? How dare you speak such ill language.

•Kleptomaniac

Maxson:

•Does as good as a boy his age with all of the responsibility possibly could.

•Just imagine- your dad died when you were super young. Your mother shipped your ass away. The people you loved like family died all around you. Now you're stuck in foreign land and have no fucking idea where to begin, only that you have to mobilize these fuckers you're in charge of and remain a good leader...

•Still not good enough? Okay, pile on insomnia, alcoholism, and the thought that you have no one alive that truly loves you as more than just the "elder". Oh, but you eventually got to spit out some kids somehow because you're the last of the great "Maxson" line...

•Also not exactly on the "stable" side..

In game experience...

•Stares intently down the Prydwen command deck with his hands behind his back..for hours.

•Never wants to chat :(

•Long winded and short sighted, bad combo..

Nick:

•Has to deal with not only demons that technically aren't even his, but after "reunions"- Kellogg's fucked up self haunts him. He keeps it to himself and suffers silently.

•Deals with the pain of knowing there will never be a place where is truly just himself. He's a man trapped inside of a metal cage..and yet he's not even really "that" man, is he?

•One could easily understand how he has some issues too.

In game experience...

•Cigarettes? Yes.

•Oh, Youre in a fight? Seems like a good time to tighten the bolts in my hand right about now...

•Wields a flamer like a champ.

Piper:

•Surprisingly..has the most sound mental state out of all.

•Is a little obsessive tho

•Has had to adapt to the role of sibling and parent to her younger sister, which isn't easy for anyone.

•Often delves into her work, sort of like curie, to avoid dealing with the pain of her parents no longer being there for her or nat.

In game experience..

•Hey kid, want some Nuka-Cola?

•Mayor McDonough shall die, even if it means execution by the hands of everyone else in Diamond City.

Preston:

•Has canonically admitted to considering suicide.

•Is holding onto the last threads of hope he has with a fucking death grip.

•Definitely not of the best mental state

In game experience...

•Doesn't know how to properly use furniture.

•Can hear sole coming from a mile away and is already getting the map out for the next settlement

X6-88:

•Emotions? Is that a snack?

•Seriously though, he has been "reset" so many times that sometimes-he doesn't even realize it- he doesn't even know what "he" is. Every aspect of who he is..it should be gone, he's a machine and he knows it...why does he still feel like a person?

•Short story, he hates life. He hates being held captive and being used like a damn hound to hunt down those who were smart enough to run- those of which he envied and didn't even realize he did. Hey, he's just a machine though- it's his job and he knows better than to revolt.

•Violence is the freedom he feel he has. He can kill and track in any way he wants, so long as it is successful and what the Institute deem appropriate. It's horrible, but he doesn't realize it- and at this point he doesn't care. The death of another and the way they die by his hand is just his way of expressing who he is deep down.

In game experience...

•Oi, you don't like the institue? FUCK YOU

#fallout 4 #fallout #paladin danse #fo4 companions #fallout companions #danse #elder maxson #fallout shitpost #porter gage #curie #x6 88 #cait #deacon #hancock #fo4 #nick valentine #arthur maxson #brotherhood of steel #macready

[abreathofthewild]

Morning Showers

Synopsis: You and Thor enjoy a morning shower together.

Words: 2269 or roundabouts

Rating/Warnings: M for mature, SMUT.  Filthy by my standards?  All below the cut.

About: Firstly, don’t @ me.  Man, I Feel Like A Woman! and Breathe are two of the best.  Secondly, I want to thank @spacelabrathor​ for giving me the go-ahead on Cowboy Thor.  Thirdly, I want to thank @peachyteabuck​ for giving me this specific idea.  I wanted to inspire myself to get writing on the actual Cowboy Thor story, I Need A Hero, and thought this might do the trick.  Went from 0 to 100 real quick, my first time writing smut so be kind.  And fourthly, thank you to all the countless people ( @helahades​ I’m looking at you) that have been so supportive and so hype about this story.  Hope this little snapshot does it for you until the full thing comes out!

“Mm, gotta get up now.  ‘s 5:45.  Gotta feed the chickens or they’ll riot.”  Your voice is muffled as you speak into Thor’s shoulder.  There have been quite a few things you’ve learned about him since that first kiss.  Like how he loves to give hugs from behind whenever the two of you are in the kitchen.  Or how he loves romanticizing the little things like having a good cup of coffee.  Or how he absolutely loves being the little spoon.  He loves being the big spoon too but he always gives a quiet hum of contentment whenever the two of you lay how you are now: him on his side, you right against his back.  Your legs are tangled; one arm is slung over his waist and the other is tucked up to his shoulder blades, your face resting somewhere near his neck.

“Fivemoreminutes,” he rumbles back and somehow the sound of his voice reverberating back to you sends chills from your head to your toes.  You wiggle your legs and then finally untangle them, trying to ignore how the wood floor is cold under your feet as you sit at the edge of the bed, rubbing the sleep from your eyes.  The sun peeks through the curtains fluttering in the early morning breeze creating a warm invitation to start your day.  Already the roosters are crowing outside and you can hear distant animal noises coming from the pasture.  It paints such a wonderful picture.  You feel like you’re the subject of some well-loved sketch, one not done by any famous artist but one that sits on a mantle and is passed down through families.  A picture that to most would look so normal but to you feels like you’re living for the first time.

“Okay, you take your five more minutes.  I for one, need to take a shower.”  You let the words hang in the air.  They are sort of an invitation.  But Thor continues to sleep, slow even breaths emanating from his chest.  Oh, well.  You flip on the switch in the bathroom and hook your phone up to the Bluetooth speaker there.  A small upgrade you had made fairly quickly was putting speakers in almost every room of the house.  You needed your music.

Today’s lineup starts with a song that could get anyone on the dance floor.  You think you remember the singer’s name being Shania Twain.  The music subscription you use has been suggesting a whole lot more country music as of late and you absolutely do not mind.  You brush your hair out as the water warms up; it sends out great puffs of steam that completely cloud out your reflection in the mirror.  You sing quietly along with the music.

Let's go girls, come on!  I'm going out tonight, I'm feelin' alright.  Gonna let it all hang out.

As soon as you step over the edge of the tub into the warm water, you feel instantly more awake.  The steady stream over your head, shoulders, and back is invigorating.  A list forms in your head as you lather the shampoo in your hair of the things the two of you need to get done today.  The thoughts lining up in your brain are completely different than the words tumbling out of your mouth.

“Oh, oh, oh, I want to be free yeah, to feel the way I feel.  Man! I feel like a woman!”  You’re so caught up in the moment that you don’t hear Thor enter the bathroom, don’t hear his sweatpants hit the floor next to your pajama shorts and tank top.  It isn’t until you hear the deep timbre of his voice join in on the lyrics that you realize he’s in the same room.  You clap a hand over your mouth to stop yourself from giggling.  There is something so cute about the juxtaposition of this cowboy, this man singing along with the song.   A huge grin forms itself on your face as you part the shower curtain enough to look out at him.  He’s standing at the sink stark naked brushing his teeth.  You let your eyes wander over every part of him unashamedly. 

“See somethin’ you like darlin’?”  The implication there makes heat pool low in your belly as you nod.  You silently hold out your hand and feel fire leap through your veins when he grins and steps forward.  The shower is small and he is big but when he steps into the space with you, it makes the size differences even more obvious.  His shoulders, his chest, the sheer size of him makes it difficult to breathe.  You look up at him through water studded lashes as he gently slicks the hair back from your face.  An entirely new song has started playing and it brings a slow smile across your face.

I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I’ve never been this swept away…

I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I’ve never been this swept away…

“Figured I should probably get up too.  Don’t want to lose even five minutes with you.”  Your heart is thumping in your chest as the rising sun catches the frosted glass above the shower just right, setting his blue eyes in soft light.  And yeah, you’ve never been so swept away.  There’s no to-do list running through your head anymore.  As far as you’re concerned, there’s nothing outside of this little space.  This moment in time here with him.  You stand up on your tiptoes and lean in, getting lost in the rush as your lips meet.  It’s a slip of tongues, soft and slow then deep and hot.  He smiles against your mouth.  “Good mornin’ to you too.”  Gooseflesh rises on your body as he walks forward into you, forward until your back is against the wall.

“Can’t be in here too long,” he continues as his mouth moves from your lips to your neck.  Your pulse is racing just underneath your skin and when he sucks hard there it draws a gasp from deep in your chest.  He hums against that point and it vibrates all the way through to your core.  He hasn’t shaved in a little while after you had mentioned recently that you liked the scruff and now you were so glad you had as he kisses a trail from your neck to your sternum to your breasts.  The rough scratch of his almost-beard is heaven.  It leaves your skin feeling raw but in the best sort of way.  He pauses for a moment, his hot breath skittering across your pebbled nipple and you look at him in feign frustration.  “Maybe, I shouldn’t,” he groans, tracing one with his fingers.  You brace your hands on his broad shoulders, your breathing coming fast and erratic from just this.  Is that even possible?  “What was it you said?”  One hand moves lower, stuttering across your wet skin, to grasp your hip.  “That’s right.  ‘The chickens will riot’.”  

'Cause I can feel you breathe.  It's washing over me.  And suddenly I'm melting into you...

You wrap your arms around his neck, fingers twining in his air, and buck your hips upward, slightly arching you back.  His cock is already hard and when it slips against your thigh, you feel it twitch and Thor lets out a small grunt.  Checkmate.

“The chickens can wait.”  The movement extracts another grunt as you take his cock in your hand and run a thumb across the tip; it’s already beaded with precum and you lick your lips.  That gets an immediate reaction from him as he gives in, leans in and takes a nipple in one mouth and grasps the other in his hand.  “Shiiiit,” you hiss as he continues until you’re shaking, every nerve ending sparking with lightning.

It’s no surprise that you’re slick at the center of you and when he drops to his knees kissing as he goes, your heart skips a couple beats.  He looks up at you and as difficult as it is to breathe, you feel emotion swell behind your ribcage.  There’s lust in his eyes, his pupils blown.  But there’s a connection there you’ve never felt with anyone before.  Just as quickly as the thought crosses your mind, it’s gone as he grips one hip in his hand slings the other leg over his shoulder.  

He leans in and traces slow circles around your clit with his tongue and if it weren’t for the fact that he was supporting you, your knee would have buckled.  You card your fingers through his hair as his tongue moves from your clit to the entrance of your cunt.  You whisper his name on a keen as he picks up the pace.  There’s a distant thought that none of the men you’ve been with before knew how to eat you out like this: like they were praying, like there was nowhere else they’d rather be than to have their face between your legs.  You cant your hips forward, your thighs shaking.  You know there’s going to be a burn from his five o’clock shadow but it will be worth it.  Just like the bruises that are going to form where his hands are holding tight.  The feeling swells and trips along your bones like a livewire.  You’re a gasping mess, your hands gripping his hair, pulling at it and when your climax rips through you he’s standing already, gently bracing your legs apart and sliding into you, the breath hissing from his lips.  

It still catches you by surprise, not just the size of him but how it feels to be filled by him.  A filthy moan spills from your lips.  You squeeze around him as he utters a single drawn-out fuck before he starts moving.  It’s slow, delicious friction as he ruts into you.  The slide of his cock in your cunt is like velvet and your only option is to hold on, your arms slung around his shoulders (barely).  He adjusts, lifting you so your legs wrap around him too and despite the water streaming off the both of you it’s like you weigh nothing and then he’s moving quicker, pistoning up and in and oh god, it’s like the world has shifted off its axis because he’s hitting that spot just right.

You can already feel the second orgasm spiraling up up up and when you feel it snap everything goes blinding white, sparks skipping across your vision.  It’s hard to tell whether you’re wet from the shower or wet from the mess you’ve made around his cock.  You’re clinging to him, a ragged cry ripping from your throat as your back is molded to the shower wall.  Thor’s still going, chasing his own release and you can tell it’s not far away because already his hips are snapping an irregular rhythm and his breathing is harsh and short.  When he cums, his mouth drops open and his hand smashes into the wall next to you.  He spills his seed inside of you, each jerk of his hips pressing another crashing gasp from your lungs even when you thought there was no more air left.  The last movement of his hips as he slips out of you leaves a trail of cum hot down your thigh.  You trail your finger through it and slide it into your mouth, tasting him.

The high is fading away but as soon as you do that, a flush creeps over his face and his eyes go wide.  His nostrils are flared.  He shuts the water off and opens the shower curtain, allowing you to step passed him.  You ignore the small ring of disappointment that flares through you as you grab a towel from its hook near the door.  He takes it from you though and pauses for a moment as you turn back to look at him.  The water droplets that are still caught in his hair drip from the curling ends and land on his shoulders and run little rivers down his chest.  He’s so close again.  The smell radiating off of him is intoxicating; the scent of warm wet skin fresh from the shower mixed with musk is so undeniably male it makes your mouth water.  He reaches out to cup your face, and you lean into it with a deep breath.

I can feel the magic floating in the air.  Being with you gets me that way.

“I don’t think you’ll be needin’ that just yet,” he says on a growl and you have about .5 seconds to acclimate as he lifts you with a wolfish smile.  You let your head loll back with a laugh as he sets you on the bed and climbs over you.  There’s that look again.  It makes an entirely new feeling break across your lungs, ballooning up and out.  Love.   “The chickens can wait.”  You nod quickly.

The chickens can definitely wait.

#oh boy folks #dont know where this came from #but i kinda like it #hope yall like it!!! #morning showers #cowboy thor #i need a hero snapshot #i need a hero #thor x reader #country thor #western thor #thor au #thor odinson

[illfoandillfie]

5 Simple Rules for a Successful Fake Relationship: One Small Hitch

READ PART 1

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

summery: You and Ben have your first official date and settle into your "relationship". But, with filming coming to a close, you'll need to be more committed to the act than before, especially when Ben's keeping secrets.

Warnings: Again, nothing much. Some language. Drinking. Nothing else I can think of.

Words: 8355

AN: Chapter 2 is finally here! Sorry for the delay but hopefully the next part will be up faster. I'm really really enjoying writing this series and I am so very excited about what's coming! The song mentioned is Reckless Serenade by Arctic Monkeys. Sidenote: Can anyone work out the theme of the chapter titles?

Taglist:  @laedymoon​  @dtfrogertaylor​  @vee-ndetta​​ @atomic-watermelon​ @kellypenac​​ @labessieisallama​​ @deakyclicks​​ @jennyggggrrr​​ @drowseoftaylor​​  @hannafuckingsucks​​  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​​ @queenmylovely​​ @supersonicfreddie​

“I’ve got something for you,” you half shouted at Ben when you saw him walking towards you from across the field you were filming in. You shuffled your shitty takeaway coffee into your other hand so you could reach into your bag, pulling out a piece of paper folded in half. He took it and pulled you into a hug, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.  “Funny cause I have something for you too,” Ben said as he let you go, reaching into his backpack and handing you a magazine, “Oh, shit, it’s our rules. You want page 15 by the way.”  “Figured you’d want a record of them. What exactly am I looking f-” you let the word hang as you found the right page. It was decorated with a photo of you and Ben kissing on his doorstep, his hand around your back, the shirt you’d borrowed riding up just enough that it was clear you didn’t have shorts on underneath as you clutched at him. There was some text beside it, mentions of your most notable roles and his, a brief description of the movie you were in the process of making, and some speculatory remarks with a couple of innuendos thrown in. The usual gossip mag fare. On the other side of the paragraph was another photo, both of you leaving set the previous Friday, hand in hand and smiling.  “We look pretty good together,” you laughed, getting only a noncommittal grunt in return. He’d suddenly become very interested in the sheet you’d handed him, staring at it like he hadn’t been there when it was written. You reread the brief article, trying not to gawk at the photographs. It certainly looked believable.   “I’ve had about four people wish us well this morning,” Ben suddenly said, seemingly pulling himself together, folding up the rules and shoving them into his back pocket, “and I’ve not been here long. It’s kinda weird having everyone know we’re together. Or think we’re together,” he quickly corrected himself.  “Yeah, Mel kept asking me questions about it while she was doing my makeup this morning, so I hope she took my awkwardness as me wanting to keep things private and not me not knowing how to answer some of them.”  Ben chuckled, “yeah, Gail gave me a bit of a grilling too. I just told her we’d been sort of seeing each other for a few weeks and had only just like made it official or whatever and she seemed to buy it.”  “Good, I told Mel the same sort of thing. Hopefully that’s enough for them.”  “I’m more concerned with what my friends are going to say. I don’t think any of them read Heat though so hopefully it doesn’t come up any time soon,”  “Lucky. My friend Felicity has the dumb site bookmarked. Checks it religiously. Bloody miracle she hasn’t called yet.”  “Better turn of your phone then,”  “And come back to a full voicemail and about a hundred texts demanding to know why I’m ghosting her?”  “Tell her you were filming. I do it all the time,” he was grinning at you and you couldn’t help but grin back as you pulled your phone out and shut it off, “atta girl,” he pulled you into his side and gave you an affectionate squeeze that you leaned into , fully aware of how many people were around you, potentially watching. It was a feeling that didn’t really let up. You knew, rationally, that everyone there was focused on their jobs, but you couldn’t help feeling like you were constantly being scrutinised, and not just for your acting. It didn’t help when Seth had to stop recording to fix a problem with the boom mic and, good-humouredly, said, “don’t worry lovebirds, we’ll have her running in a second.” Or that one of the ADs delivered your call sheets for the next day with a, “I always thought you’d be cute together.” And it certainly didn’t help when you turned your phone on at the end of the day to find a series of texts from Felicity each with more exclamation points and capital letters than the last, and a missed call from Mary.   “Better call her back,” Ben said, following you towards the carpark.  You rolled your eyes, already holding the phone up to your ear listening to it ring.  “Y/N, I was just about to try you again,”  “Sorry, Mary, I had my phone off while we were recording, what’s the matter?”  “Are you free this weekend?”  “Um yeah, I think so, why?”  “We’d like for you and Ben to go on a date this weekend. Somewhere in London preferably but it’s up to you. You saw the article in Heat? It seems to be going well. The hits your names have got on google have increased and there have been a few tweets about it. Nothing huge, you’re not trending or anything but you’re still relatively unknown so we weren’t expecting that to happen, certainly not overnight. But we think if we get a date story out quickly it’ll really help get people interested.”  You rubbed your temple as you tried to process everything she’d just said, “Okay, I’ll talk to him and we’ll organise something. I’ll text you the details once I have them.”  “Okay, let me know as soon as you can though. And send Peter the info too.”  “Will do. See ya Mary.”  “Was that about me?” Ben asked, smiling as he leaned against your car.  “You up for a date this weekend? Apparently the first story went well and they want a follow up ASAP.”  “Sure, where are we going?”  “I don’t know, somewhere around London would apparently be best, but we get to choose. Any thoughts?”  He thought for a moment, “This isn’t our first date is it? Like, we’ve said we’ve been on others before, right?”  “Yeah, why?”  “Well normally for a first date I take girls out for dinner and then, depending on the girl and how the dinner went, either a quiet drink or like a romantic as fuck walk in the park or something.”  “That’s pretty standard stuff, Ben,”  “Yeah, but in the fiction of us as a couple, this isn’t our first date. This’d be, what?”  “Fifth maybe?”  “Fifth. So I’m still trying to impress you a bit, but it’s like, more relaxed. We’ve done the dinner date, we’ve done coffee and a movie, we’ve even done the Museum. Now we’re getting into the fun shit.”  “Museums don’t count as fun shit?” you chuckled, not sure where his train of thought was taking you.  “It’s a bit overdone is all.”  “What do you have in mind then?”  “There’s this place that runs art classes during the day, right? Life drawing or like painting for beginner's type stuff. But a couple of nights a week they run these art and wine nights. They’ll give you a canvas or a ceramic figure or something like that and some paints and you can have a few drinks and do something arty. I did it with some mates a while ago, had heaps of fun. Seemed like the sort of thing yo- a girl might like to do on a date.”  “That definitely sound fun.”  “Really? You’re into it?”  “Yeah, for sure.”  “Okay,” Ben pulled out his phone and began typing, “shall I book us in for the Saturday night ceramics session?”  “Go ahead. What time was that, so I can let Mary and Peter know.”  “Seven thirty. If we get a cab in a little earlier we can grab something to eat on our way.”  “Cool, okay I’ll text them. Is it BYO?”  “Yeah. They do sell some stuff but it’s a pretty small selection.”  “Okay, well that’s something to look forward to. Anyway, I should be going since I have about a million texts to sort through, I’ll see you tomorrow.”  “Wait, one thing,” Ben said before you could open your car door, “There’s a few people coming off set now so I’m going to kiss you, okay?”  “Thanks for the heads up,”  “No worries,” he stepped closer, his hand rising to cup your cheek as he kissed you softly. He took longer to break away than you��d expected, letting the kiss deepen instead, but you didn’t mind too much. It was a good kiss. And if it hadn’t been for Ben and the movie, you would have been severely lacking them recently. Which explained the vague feeling of disappointment that hit you when he did step back.  

On your way home your phone beeped with another text from Felicity but you ignored it until you were inside and changed into the comfiest clothes you could find, flopping down on your bed to scroll through what she’d written. They varied from, “omg why didn’t you tell me about this Ben guy?” to “Y/N!!! Answer my texts!!!” all the way up to, “BITCH!!! CALL ME!!!!”   She picked up on the first ring.   “Where the fuck have you been all day?”  “Some of us don’t have office jobs we hate,” you laughed, “I actually had to work, funnily enough, and because we were on location I had to keep my phone off while we recorded.”  “Well I’ve been going crazy over here. Imagine my shock when I boot up my computer and open Heat and see your fucking arse being grabbed by your co-star.”  “He was not grabbing my arse.”  “Close enough. You didn’t tell me how fucking gorgeous he is.”  “No, well, I don’t usually think about the people I work with like that, do I?”  “Which is why I was so surprised to see you’ve shacked up with one of them.”  “It’s not quite that serious.”  “One night stands aren’t your usual thing. Definitely not with guys you work with anyway.”  “I never said it was a one night stand, just that it wasn’t super serious!”  “How many times then?”  “We’ve been on like four dates.”  “You fuckhead! You mean to tell me you’re actually dating this guy, who by the way looks like he could be a fucking underwear model, and you didn’t think to tell me? No so much as a I got dicked down by a total babe aren’t you jealous message?”  “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it if it wasn’t going to go anywhere.”  “But still, I’m your best friend, I tell you about every shag I have.”  “In graphic detail,”  “Exactly.”  “Look it’s just a bit weird still. Neither of us have really hooked up with a co-star before and we didn’t want to say anything until we worked out what was happening.”  “I guess that makes sense,” you could tell she didn’t mean it, “But, now that it’s out you owe me. I want to hear all about it.”  “There’s not much to tell. We became quite good friends during all the pre-production stuff when we were rehearsing and all that. Our director wanted to make sure we clicked and had the right chemistry and stuff, since it’s a romcom and our characters get engaged in the first scene, so we hung out a lot. And then just before filming started he asked me out. Took me to this nice Chinese restaurant. It was fun so we agreed to go out again and it’s sort of just kept going.”  “Those photos, was that the first time you’d stayed over at his?”  “Second. First time was a couple of weeks ago. The night that led to the photos was just a few drinks after work with some of the others and we ended up ducking out a bit early and wound up at his.”  “And?”   “And what?” You had a hard time not laughing when you heard her groan. Her eagerness to know every sordid detail made her easy to fuck with, and that made the whole business of being secretive a lot more fun.  “And, how was he?”  “I mean…y’know,”  “Y/N, I swear to god,”  “He was good, okay? Really good,” you remembered what Ben had told you to say, trying not to laugh too much while you repeated it, “like, three orgasms good.”  “Shit, really?”  “Uhuh. And then another in the morning.”  Felicity replied with a long whistle, “shit, girl, hold onto that one then. That’s definitely worth any trouble working together could cause."  “Believe me, I know. We’re going out again this weekend.” It was surprisingly easy to lie about dating Ben. Though, of course, you weren’t technically lying since you would be going on a date.   “Shit man, date five. That’s serious shit. You better tell me everything, in graphic detail.” 

When you told Ben about the conversation the next day, admitting you’d spent ages praising his sexual prowess, he laughed and then thanked you, pulling you into a tight bear hug. You thought it was a slight overreaction considering he’d been the one to tell you what to say but his happiness was infectious, and you found yourself smiling more than normal as you hung out between scenes. An attitude which could only help your performance, making people more ready to believe you were a couple. His easy laughter and bright smiles continued until the afternoon when you were telling him more about Felicity and what you’d talked about.   “She thinks you’re a keeper and kept telling me not to let you go.”  “Your friend knows what she’s talking about.”  “Lucky for you I can’t let you go since it’s all written up in a contract,”  Ben laughed but when you glanced at him his smile seemed to falter.   “You okay?”  “Brilliant. Just had a bit of a late night and it’s catching up on me. Think I might try to have a quick nap before we’re needed again.”  “I was thinking of grabbing another coffee if you want one?”  “Thanks Y/N but I think the nap will do me more good.”  “Probably better people don’t see us heading off to a trailer together anyway or they’ll suspect we’re getting up to mischief.”  “Very true. I’ll see you a bit later.”  “Sleep well!”  Ben turned to leave, his smile seeming more forced than earlier. You would have worried except he seemed to be back to normal when he was called for your next scene. And it continued on through the week, his happiness only getting more pronounced the closer it got to the weekend.  

You couldn’t quite match his energy on Friday, anxiety over your date getting stronger the closer you got to it. Hanging out at his place had been easy, even if it did include leaving half dressed. All you’d had to do was kiss him which you’d done enough times during filming that it was no longer too odd. But a proper date was something else. It was going to be the first real test you faced, the first time you’d really have to sell yourselves to the public as more than co-stars and more than a hook-up.  “Hey are you okay?”  “Huh?”  “Your jiggling your leg a lot which you only do when something’s worrying you, what is it?”  “Oh,” you forced your leg to stop moving, “nothing,”  “Is it about our date tonight?”  “What if it’s bad? What if we don’t look like we’re actually together and Mary and Pete have to cancel the whole thing?”  “I’d get a decent night sleep not thinking about us,” he muttered.  “What?”  “I’ve been worried about it too,” he said louder, “but I think we’ll be okay. It’s not like we’ll be starved for conversation and we’ll have the paint and the wine and we’ll be fine. Plus, weren’t you the one who said this would be easy?”  “Yeah I was,” you said sheepishly, “but -”  “No buts. It’ll be a piece of cake. We go and have a good time painting a couple of plates or bowls or whatever, and then hold hands while we head home. They’ll get whatever shots they get, and they’ll spin it so we look like a couple.”  “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry,”  “It’s okay,” he reached out to rub the back of your hand, smiling softly at you, “the nerves might actually help you look like you’re legit. And worst comes to worst we can always run lines. I’m honestly so much more nervous about shooting that scene tomorrow.”  “The one where we’re playing matchmaker?”  “Yes! Have you seen how many names are in there?”  “Theres like six, Ben,”  “Yeah but they’re all repeated, and I know I’m going to get the order wrong,”  You giggled and shook your head, “You’re unbelievable,”  “Oh whatever,” he pushed your shoulder almost making you overbalance, “Just cos you know the lines already.” 

Ben’s efforts to calm you down worked and you got through the rest of the workday without a hitch. Though your stomach was once again tight with nerves in the hours before the date. You spent a solid half hour standing in front of your wardrobe, freshly washed hair slowly dripping down the back of the towel you had wrapped around you, trying to settle on what to wear. When you were finally dressed you checked and rechecked the contents of your purse, and, in a moment of panic, you grabbed the heavily highlighted and notated script pages with the matchmaker scene and shoved them in beside your lipstick and bank card. By the time Ben arrived in an Uber to pick you up, ushering you into the backseat with a kiss on the cheek and a complement about how lovely you looked, you felt like you were on the verge of throwing up. But, once again, Ben’s natural charm eased your mind. The way he talked to you and smiled constantly had your heart rate slowing and your stomach settling within minutes. Even the way he squeezed your hand when he helped you out of the car, and the way he laced his fingers with yours as he led you towards your destination were welcome comforts.  “D’you wanna grab something to eat?” Ben asked, stopping on a corner and looking around, annoyed people passing by on both sides.  “Uhh, s’pose so.”  “Has anyone ever told you you’re indecisive?”  “I swear I’m not normally.”  “Oh? Do I make you nervous, snookum?” he asked, playfully.  “No, you git,” you laughed back, though you found it hard to meet his eyes, “I just don’t know I’m that hungry.”  “Well, keep in mind there’ll be wine drinking. Don’t want to do that on an empty stomach.”  “Valid argument. What’s nearby?”  After some wandering you ended up in a McDonalds, Ben wolfing down a burger while you picked at the fries, not quite certain you’d be able to keep your food down. It was when you were coming out of a bottle shop, Ben holding the wine you’d agreed on, that you spotted the photographer. It was the same one who’d been outside Ben’s house when you stayed over, camera aimed at the two of you. Quietly you nudged Ben. He just wrapped an arm around you, pulling you into his side as you walked. You struggled to not watch the photographer as he followed you towards the art studio, having to keep reminding yourself to pretend he wasn’t there.  “Relax,” Ben said softly in your ear, “He’s not important.”  You nodded, afraid if you said anything you’d lose the meagre dinner you’d had. Ben’s thumb rubbing over your own gave you something else to focus on, counting each soft, smooth stroke, until you reached the right place.  

You weren’t the only couple there, far from it. Most of the claimed tables were taken by pairs sitting close together, hands clasped or laying on thighs as they talked. A few tables held larger groups, double dates maybe or perhaps just friends. You felt a few eyes on you as you found a table close to the clear glass of the shopfront, but they turned away again quickly, more interested in their own little bubbles than yours. You glanced outside to check if the photographer was still there but couldn’t see much more than the reflection of you and Ben. His knee bumped yours under the table as he leaned toward you, pressing a finger to your jaw to turn your head towards him.  “Forget the photographer. Forget Mary and Peter. Forget our arrangement. We're just two friends having a fun night out, okay?”  “Okay,”   “Okay. So what are you thinking of painting then?” He unscrewed the bottle of wine and grabbed one of the glasses you’d been handed on arrival.   “Well what are my options?”  “Well there’s your classic teacup, mug or plate options. There’s a couple of different jewellery boxes, I think. And then there are the statues, ummm, fairy, dragon, alien. Maybe a princess one, I can’t remember.”  “More than I thought there’d be. What were you thinking?”  “I did a dragon last time I was here. But I think I’m going to do a mug this time. Need some extras if you’re gonna be staying over more often.”  “Maybe we should both do mugs, then? Something we can use at each other’s places.”  “Alright, deal. But we can’t look at what the other is painting until they’re done.”  “That’s going to be so hard!” you laughed, feeling properly relaxed for the first time all night.  “Yeah but it’ll be fun though. Wait here, I’ll go grab us the mugs.”  You took the opportunity to look around the room, trying to think of what Ben might like on a mug. There was art everywhere – paintings hanging on walls, examples of what the classes could teach you, decorated ceramics lining windowsills and shelves. Judging by the wildly differing levels of talent displayed, you assumed at least some of them were left behind and never claimed. There were plates decorated with fruit trees and ocean scenes, jugs covered in splatters of different colours, aliens in shimmery blue and princesses with green hair and orange dresses. But nothing that sparked your imagination. The noise of the room was steadily growing as everyone got stuck into their creations. Ben sat down, took a drink and got to work mixing colours.  “You know what you’re going to do then?”  “I have an idea. But I will warn you I’m not a particularly good artist so it might not look anything like what it’s meant to.”  You picked up your blank mug and put it down again, tapping the end of a paintbrush against the table as you tried to come up with an idea. What did Ben like? He liked coffee. And dogs. And his guitar. More than once he’d brought it to set, playing it in his downtime. He’d been embarrassed the first time you mentioned overhearing him as you passed by his trailer, but you’d assured him you’d liked listening to him. You’d had the song stuck in your head for a week afterwards.   “Made up your mind, have you?” Ben asked, glancing up from his handiwork as you mixed a pale peach colour.  “No peeking,”  “I wasn’t peeking. If I’d been peeking, I would have done this,” Ben craned his neck, leaning over to where your mug was.   You laughed and pulled the mug closer to you, pushing him away with your other hand.  He caught it in his own, taking the paintbrush from you, “Oi, careful with that.”  “Oops, sorry,”  Ben laughed and kissed your palm before letting you have your hand back, “No harm done. But y’know if you splattered me I’d have no choice but to get payback.”  There was no need to reach for the script you’d brought as you and Ben fell into conversation while you painted. He asked if you’d had any more awkward phone calls with your friends and told you about what had happened when his mates had found out. Nothing like the conversation you’d endured, though there’d been plenty of teasing. You had to admonish him for nearly getting paint on your work when he began using the largest brush he had to artistically spray drops of paint over his mug. And then he’d laughed when you paused, admitting out loud that you weren’t actually sure how to paint the thing you’d planned on painting. He’d promised not to peek while you whipped out your phone to look up a reference image, going to far as to cover his eyes just to make sure. Once you gave him the okay he went back to painting, switching to a thinner brush and shushing you so he could concentrate. It was ridiculous how cute he looked, tongue between his teeth, bent over the mug as he slowly outlined the design. You shook your head to clear the thought and went back to your own work. 

“Okay, I’m done. You wanna see now?”  “Yes, absolutely. Unless you think we should wait until after they’ve been glazed?”  “Fuck that, we can’t pick them up for a couple of days, I wanna show you now.”  “Alright, show me then,” you put down your brush, focusing all your attention onto the mug in Ben’s hands. The base coat was a light purple, with splatters of darker purple over top. Slowly he turned the mug to show you the design on the front. It bore a slightly wonky engagement ring, similar to the one his character gave yours in the movie. On either side of the ring, in thin, not quite straight lettering, was the words we’re really good at this dating thing.   You smiled as soon as you read the quote from the script, “I love it, Ben”  “Thought it was kind of fitting,” he chuckled, “plus it’ll be a nice little souvenir once the movie wraps.”  “That was a fun scene to shoot. Best proposal I’ve ever had.”  Ben smiled and carefully turned his mug back towards him, “Best proposal I’ve ever given,” He seemed to be about to say something but stopped himself, shaking his head.  You lowered your voice, “Promise I’ll get to keep it after we break up?”  “Promise,” Ben said, matching your level and leaning in close, “Until then maybe you can use it as a reminder whenever you feel anxious about this whole dating thing.”  “Thanks, I will.”   You were suddenly very aware of how softly you were speaking, how close you were sitting, leaning in to hear each other over the rest of the room, and for a split second you thought he was going to kiss you again. But then the moment passed, the noise of the room intruding as Ben leaned back in his seat, “So do I get to see mine?”  “Uh, it’s not quite done,” you said, picking up your brush again, the moment gone, “give me another couple of minutes.”  “Masterpieces take time, I get it,”  “This is by no stretch a masterpiece,”  “I’ll be the judge of that thanks very much,”  Ben turned to look out over the room while you tried to finish your painting without smudging anything, occasionally making comments about other people there or the art that decorated the room.  You took one last look at what you’d painted, the guitar with the words stun gun lullaby written in cursive beside it, “Alright, I’m done now, you can look. Careful, some of it’s still wet.”  Ben gently took hold of the handle and turned the mug so the design faced him. He broke out into a grin and you felt relieved that he liked it.   “It’s definitely a masterpiece. For someone who didn’t know how to draw a guitar you’ve done an incredible job. And how did you know that’s one of my favourite songs?”  “Is it? It's just the song I overheard you playing that one time. I thought that line was a good one for a mug. Nice and short so I didn’t have to paint too much.”  “This is definitely my new favourite mug.”  “Oh stop it.”  “And hey, they kind of match.”  You laughed when he pointed out the similarities, “Guess they do. Y’know that’d make a pretty cute Instagram post.”  “You going to tag me as my mug?”  “Of course. You could post a photo and tag me in it too,”  “I don’t know. I don’t really post much personal stuff online.”  “Well at least comment on mine,”  “I can do that.”  

After you’d taken a decent photo and posted it online you cleaned up, handed your mugs over to the woman running the night’s activity and stepped back out into the night. There was no sign of the photographer anywhere and you supposed he’d got what he needed and then left.   Still, Ben grabbed your hand as you walked back up the street, just in case you’d missed the photographer in the crowd.   “Guess that means we don’t have to worry about going home together,” you said, nudging Ben.  “Guess not,” his lips quirked down in a soft frown.”  “What is it?”  “Nothing, nothing, just...feels kind of weird to just end the date here, I guess,” he scratched the back of his head and laughed, “Normally I’d offer to give you a lift home. Or at least give you a good night kiss, but I guess that’s not really needed now.”  “Well, it’s like you said, we’re just friends having a fun night out. We could share a ride home though, if you wanted. You live near enough to mine it wouldn’t matter.”  “Nah, don’t worry about it. I actually might go grab something to eat, don’t think that burger was quite enough. See you on Monday?”  “Oh, yeah, okay, see you Monday.”   There was a pause, both of you hesitating and then Ben gave you a much too quick hug before he walked off, disappearing into the crowd. You sighed and hailed a passing cab, spending the whole ride home wondering what the hell had just happened. But you pushed it from your mind once you were home, going through your usual nightly routine and very deliberately thinking of anything other than Ben. It didn’t help much. You still dreamt about him. Dreamt about the goodnight kiss you’d missed out on.    

When you woke you had to laugh at yourself. You were sure that, had you binged a few episodes of a tv show or read something before you’d gone to bed you would have dreamt about it instead. Brains were suggestable like that. When you felt awake enough you rolled over and grabbed your phone finding a text from Ben and one from Felicity and an email from Mary. You opened Mary’s first, skimming over it and vowing to look at it properly once you had a coffee in your system. Ben’s was much easier to understand, a short message to say he had fun last night and that he’d pick the mugs up on his way to work on Monday. Felicity’s was just a series of question marks. You sent back a short response saying the date had been a lot of fun. It wasn’t enough and she was bound to come back at you asking for more details, but it would have to satisfy her. Slowly you got out of bed and made yourself a coffee, setting your laptop up next to you at the kitchen counter so you could try to read Mary’s email again. There was some information about some scripts she was going to send you, a couple of potential future roles, but the majority of the email was about you and Ben. She’d already seen the photos, apparently, and some of them would be run in the coming week’s magazine while others were being put online. She’d also seen the Instagram post and commended you for thinking of it. Another date would have to be organised, but it was better to wait until the next weekend or even the one after, so as not to fatigue the public.  

So you and Ben fell into the routine of it. An email from one or other of your agents sometimes as vague as just telling you to organise a date, sometimes much more specific in what they wanted you to be doing, then the date itself, and in between work where you played up the romance as much as possible. You got good at pretending to stay over at each other's places, often just hanging out watching TV or running lines until the photographer called it a night and you were free to leave. Once or twice you’d opted to sleep in your own bed but get up early and head over to Ben’s for the required morning after shots but that process got old very quickly so you ended up actually staying over more and more. There was one day when your period came unexpectedly while you were at Ben’s. You were halfway through asking him to take you home when he offered to run to the store for you instead.  “No, no, you don’t have to go out of your way like that, I’ve got plenty at home I just didn’t think I’d need any today.”  “Y/N, I promise, it’s no trouble. I feel bad I don’t have anything here for you already. Been a while since I’ve lived with a girl and it didn’t even cross my mind. Seriously, it’ll take me two minutes.” When you still weren’t convinced he continued, “Plus, if I go we won’t ruin Peter and Mary’s plan for today. And the Paps can get a shot of me staring at boxes of tampons like a good caring boyfriend. It’ll help our image.”  “Oh alright, as long as you don’t mind.”  He was out the door a second later and back within ten minutes, though you did get a call from him at the shop, asking what brand you preferred. Once he was home, he made you a cup of tea, gave you a painkiller and, after checking you didn’t mind, cuddled up with you on the couch, teasingly calling you his cuddle bunny as he pulled you back against his chest. You almost complained, almost cited Rule 5, but it wasn’t so bad. Some might even go so far as to call it cute. It was better than snookum at any rate.  

 The dates themselves got easier after the first. You knew what to expect now so it wasn’t as nerve wracking as before. And Ben was always fun to be around, your list of inside jokes steadily growing as he became the one person you spent the most time with. You let yourselves relax a bit. On your third date Ben’s arm stayed glued around your waist as you walked around the zoo, only losing contact when a lemur jumped on his shoulder and you stepped back to take a photo. It wasn’t low enough to violate the rules you’d put in place but his hand was dangerously close to falling below your belt, and it was definitely something you would have put a stop to when you first started the charade. The Instagram posts had got more frequent too, though Ben still refused to post anything to his own profile. But he commented on everything you posted whether it involved him or not. And people were buying it. You’d been moved from page 15 to page 13 and then to page 10 in the magazines. You both picked up more followers online as your photos were shared across Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr. There were some downsides like rude comments and nasty messages but mostly they were easy to ignore. Worse were the phone calls and messages from family members and friends asking when they’d get to meet Ben. He’d had to fend off his own family as well, but you both stuck to Rule 4, making up excuses and promising it would happen eventually, but it just wasn’t possible right now. But your biggest problem was the issue of intimacy. It wasn’t the lack of sex itself, that was easily managed. It was that Ben had started to intrude on your fantasies. You’d be there with your fingers or your toys and suddenly it was Ben’s voice you were thinking of, Ben’s hands, Ben’s teeth and tongue and chest. Ben’s name falling from your lips. And you knew it was just because you were pretending to date him, on and off set. It was the dumb suggestable brain thing again. The thoughts were only there because you were pretending to be in love with him and usually sex was tied up with love or at least relationships. And really, you hadn’t been attracted to anyone much lately because you hadn’t been looking because you’d been pretending to be attracted to Ben so it’s really no wonder you’re brain got all confused and mixed him into those other thoughts. The first time you saw him after it first happened you wondered if he could tell, a slightly flustered awkwardness hanging over you. But it wasn’t worth mentioning to anyone. You just vowed to push him out of your mind as much as you could.  

Nearly two months later you found yourselves back in the office where the idea of pretending to date was first floated. With filming drawing to a close Mary and Peter were keen to check in with you. The first thing either of them said when you and Ben turned up is how well the story was going.  “Projections have the sales for this movie increased by five percent, just because of your relationship and that number is expected to grow as we get closer to release,” Mary spoke fast though whether that was excitement at the boosted numbers or just a busy schedule rushing her along you weren’t sure.  “What happens now?” Ben asked, “I mean, since we won’t be filming together anymore after this week,”  “That’s exactly why we wanted to talk with you both today,” Peter opened a pocket notebook and thumbed through a couple of pages, “so not much will change but we may occasionally need to balance out the loss of on set photos with shots of you out and about together. Nothing stressful and all very easily staged. You probably wouldn’t even need to be out for more than an hour or so at a time. People have been loving the domestic sort of photos you’ve been putting online, Y/N, that one of you using the coffee mugs you painted was especially good. So we’d like a few more of those sorts of moments. The two of you grocery shopping or walking a dog, do either of you have a dog? No? Hmmm, we could hire a dog and write a story about you sitting for a friend. We’ll put a pin in that for now. But yes, just some candid shots of you walking around London and doing regular everyday things together.”  “We’ll also need to schedule the argument soon. We’re thinking somewhere within the first two weeks of filming being over. It means we can run speculation about whether the relationship is on the rocks now that you aren’t working together anymore. We’ll see how things go this week and make some decisions later, but we’ll give you plenty of warning before you have to perform it. Obviously, it has to be scheduled so we can guarantee someone will get photos but we need it to seem as natual as possible so we’ll leave the specifics of the argument up to you.”  You nodded along but Ben had more questions.  “What does this mean for any jobs we might be looking at taking after this movie wraps?”  “You can still take on whatever roles you want provided they’re filming here. It’s harder to keep you in the public eye if you’re separated and while the drama of a long-distance relationship might be interesting at first, it’s not sustainable.”  “If it was filming somewhere else in the UK we could maybe organise something. We’d have to look into it and see if it was possible to stick to our same plan but just shift the location. Maybe have a weekend visit angle to it, Y/N flies out to see Ben, Ben comes home to see Y/N, that kind of thing.”  “Leave it with us Ben and we’ll get back to you on the logistics of it all.”  “Oh, that’s okay, I don’t have anything set in stone, I was just curious.”  “Is there anything else you have questions about?”  “No, I don’t think so,” He looked towards you.  “No, I’m all good.”  “Okay, well, if you think of anything you can message us any time.”  “Really, though, this is going very well. It’s already paying off but we need to keep the momentum during the post-production phase, so we need you both to be committed to this.”  “We are.”  “Unbelievably committed,” Ben added. 

You and Ben left the meeting joking about potential arguments you could have and for the rest of the day, whenever you passed each other in the halls or had a moment alone you’d try to one up each other's suggestions. It was a good way to keep your spirits up even though the end of filming was fast approaching. One by one each cast member recorded their last scenes, saying an emotional thank you to the crew when the director called cut. You and Ben were the last to finish since you were the leads. A small pillow talk scene that you could do in your sleep. It was a nice way to end it, lying in bed with Ben’s arms around you, even with the heat of the studio lights. While you were waiting for the cameras to be positioned you and Ben joked around with the crew that were flitting around angling mics and adjusting set decorations.   “Hey, Seth,” Ben said suddenly, “can you pass me my phone. I think we need to document this moment. What d’you��say, cuddle bunny?”  You laughed and poked him in the side but agreed. Ben stuck his arm straight up into the air, trying to angle the camera just right but he couldn’t quite get the photo to take without blurring. Seth took pity on you and offered to take the photo himself, allowing you and Ben to snuggle in close.  “If you post it on Insta you better credit me,” Set laughed, turning it round to show you.  “I’ll do that,” He said with a smile, “It’s pretty cute, I think I have to post it.”  “Really?” you asked, surprised he’d volunteer to do such a thing.  Ben didn’t have a chance to respond because everything was ready to go. Seth put the phone back away so you could film the scene, laughing in between takes until everyone was satisfied.   “That’s a wrap on Ben Hardy and Y/N Y/L/N everybody,”  A round of applause started as you pushed yourself to sit up, trying to stop yourself from welling up.  “And that’s a wrap on The Perfect Match.”  The applause continued and Ben pulled you into a tight hug, rubbing your back and pressing a kiss to the top of your head. You had to say a few words but you managed to get through it, and Ben’s little speech, without completely losing it. Afterwards, as people packed up the equipment and you headed back to your trailers to change, Ben pulled out his phone again.  “I guess I should post that photo now, how’s this caption,” he said each word slowly as he typed it out, “Thank you Y/N for being the perfect Edith to my Andy. And thank you @theperfectmatchmovie for finding me my perfect match.”   “Did you tag me?”  “Of course,”  “Did you tag Seth?”  “Uhhhh, camera emoji by @seththesoundman. Now I have,”  “Then it’s perfect. Little bit cheesy but I’ll let it slide.”  “I’ll post another lot of photos with everyone else later and write a longer thing about how much fun this movie was and all of that, but I think this’ll do for the minute. Mary and Peter better fucking appreciate it.” 

That evening most of the cast and crew headed out for drinks at the local pub. The official party would come later but everyone needed to get out and celebrate for an evening. You and Ben stayed for a few hours, Ben getting a little more clingy with each drink he finished. You limited yourself to only a couple. Ben wasn’t going to be able to drive so you decided to fall on that sword, switching to water quite early on. When he reached the point of intoxication that had him constantly complementing everyone you decided to call it a night, taking a final lap to say goodnight to everyone. There were a few wolf whistles and slurred comments about getting some as you left, Ben’s arm around your waist and his laugh in your ear, but you waved them off and led Ben out to your car.   “C’mon Benny boy, I’ll drop you home.”  “What about my car?”  “Well you’ll have to come get it in the morning, won’t you.”  He hummed and lay his head against the back of the seat, chatting animatedly as you made the trip to his. You wished him goodnight as he got out of the car and watched him make his way up to his front door. There he paused, patting his pockets.  “Everything alright? You called out to him.  “I don’t have any keys,” he laughed, turning around to come back to the car.  “You fucking goon, did you leave them at the pub?”  “Guess so,” he shrugged, “Can I crash at yours?”  “Get in,”  “Thanks cuddle bunny, you’re the best”  You rolled your eyes, “Guess this means I’ll be your taxi tomorrow, running you around to find your keys and your car,”  “That’s what girlfriends are for,”  “If you say so.”  

Once at yours you headed to the kitchen to make tea, Ben following to grab a glass of water and a snack. He knew where you kept everything by now, making himself a sandwich with whatever he found in your fridge, and then carrying it out to the couch. By the time the teas were made Ben already had Netflix queued up, ready to play the next episode of the series you’d started watching together. Nearly Twenty minutes into the episode Ben’s phone dinged.  “Ah shit,” he said as he glanced at it, “forgot I said I’d call Joe. Do you mind if we pause the ep? We’re trying to organise travel stuff for him and it’s easier if we talk it through rather than texting it all.”  “Sure,”  “I promise I won’t be long.”  “Take your time, it’s fine,” you were already reaching for your laptop.  Ben smiled at you before ducking out of the room. You head him walking down the hall, footsteps fading as he got further away. For a while you just enjoyed the quiet as you checked your emails and social media profiles but after commenting on the photo Ben had posted and replying to a few messages from people you knew there wasn’t really much left to do. You drummed your fingers on your keyboard trying to think of another website you could visit. There was still no sign of Ben and you didn’t want to continue the show without him so you stood up, stretched, and headed back to the kitchen to grab some chocolate from the stash you kept. You were just about to shut the fridge when you heard Ben’s voice coming from the other side of the wall. Your spare room where he’d clearly gone to make his phone call.   “Yeah, Joe, I fucking know. But I don’t have much choice.” He sounded more sober than he had when he’d got up. There was a pause as Joe spoke and then you heard Ben again.  “I don’t know what I was thinking getting into this mess…..Yeah maybe. Doesn’t really matter though now does it…. What’s that supposed to mean? I can’t just call it quits now, the story is doing too well and Peter has assured me that the numbers are promising or whatever I don’t really know how they measure it. All I know is that people are going to see the movie because of us.”  There was a long pause. You quietly shut the fridge and took a step back towards the doorway. This was not a conversation you should be listening in to. But then Ben spoke again, and curiosity got the better of you.  “It doesn’t matter Joe. It doesn’t matter how I feel.” He laughed but it was completely devoid of humour, “Of course it sucks. It’s fucking shit, man. I just keep waiting for her to tell me she feels the same but it’s not happening…... No, I know it’s completely one sided…..No, I don’t think she knows. She wouldn’t have wanted to do it in the first place if she knew…. I just wish things were different. I love being around her and being able to hold her and kiss her but it fucking sucks that it’s only in public….. I don’t know. Maybe not filming together will ma-”  You could feel your cheeks burning as you tiptoed back towards the lounge room, not quite sure what to do with yourself. You paced back and forth for a moment before deciding to go to the bathroom, at least then Ben couldn’t walk in on you as you tried to process it. You let the door shut loudly behind you, hoping that if Ben had heard movement he’d think you’d just got up to use the loo. He couldn’t know you’d overheard him. You leaned against the sink and tried to make sense of what you’d heard. Ben couldn’t have a crush on you, he just couldn’t. But it was the only thing he could have been talking about. What the fuck did that mean for your arrangement? What the fuck were you meant to do now?

#my writing #my fics #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy imagine #ahhhhhhh #ya'll im so excited about this series #i have all the chapters planned out #i have all the titles planned out #i wrote a short synopsis of the film they're making #so that i can reference it throughout the fic and be consistent in what the scenes might be #god can ben please just make a romcom now #i want it more than anything in the world

[queen-of-the-crows]

Writing Questionnaire

I was tagged by the ever wonderful @a-shakespearean-in-paris and i love doing writers related memes so this will be fun

Short stories, novels, or poems?

I write fanfic, its all long novel length fan fic. I always go big, im incapable of doing something short, even my one offs are long.

What genre do you prefer reading?

Thriller, scifi, horror, adventure fantasy

What genre do you prefer writing?

fantasy and adventure but always with a romantic love story cause im a sucker for that

Are you a planner or a write as you go type person?

I’m somewhere in the middle because there are certain scenes or events in my fics that i plan out because i know exactly how i want it to play out. But between the scenes i have planned out i fill in with stuff that i write as i go and see how it plays out

What music do you listen to while writing?

Nothing specfic, I can listen to anything as long as i know the words to all the songs so i dont focus on that. Lately it’s been fairly mellow stuff like Halsey or Les Vinyl

Favorite books/movies?

i hate being made to choose these

Movies: Alien, Jurassic Park, V for Vendetta, Interview with a Vampire, Jaws, Big Hero 6, Beauty and the Beast, The Thing to name a few

Books: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series, Dune, Dracula, A Song of Ice and Fire series, anything by Ellen Hopkins, The Meg series, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, and Frankenstein probably others im blanking on

Any current WIPs?

yes. Forged in Ice which is my fucking massive Game of Thrones fic focusing on my own oc and Jon Snow. I also have Fire and Ice which is my Avvar Hawke AU fic. I need to sit down and do more work on both of them. 

If someone were to make a cartoon of you, what would your standard outfit be?

something quite similar to this. Have to embrace my inner Wiccan. 

Create a character description for yourself.

hopeless romantic witch who spends too much overthinking and not acting, also can be a bitch. Requires affection from the man she loves to function at highest possible capacity. Honestly kind of a mess but tries hard

Do you like incorporating people you know into your writing?

I write only fanfic right now so thats hard to do. mostly my ocs end up with traits of mine or traits i wish i had. the closest i get to writing people i know is including traits of my partner and our relationship in my writing when i write Fenrisxfemhawke 

Are you kill happy with characters?

oh no. i kill them when i have to cause it will better the story but im no George RR Martin. i love angst as a much as the next person but im a sucker for happy endings so i have to be able to have them. im more into the thinking that a loved one is dead when they arent instead of actually killing them

Coffee or tea while writing?

I hate them both. If i really wanna get into, rum and dr pepper is my drink of choice

Where/who/what do you find inspiration from?

Anything honestly. Obviously writing fanfic i get along from the source material and for my Avvar AU i’ve done alot of research into that as well as viking culture. My fenhawke relationship I draw alot on the relationship I have with the man I love cause we’ve kind of been in that situation where we spent years pinning for each other and being in love with each other despite not being together. Fenhawke holds a very special place in my heart for the similarties between my own relationship with my love and that and thats why i draw alot on us to write them. 

If you were put into a fantasy world, what would you be?

As cool as i think magic is, im not the mage type. I would be a rogue, a master assassin. Skilled with dual wield daggers and a bow for sniping. That’s my favorite class always.

Most fave book cliche? Least favorite book cliche?

Most favorite: I love a slow burn romance. I love watching characters fall in love. I also really like the thinking the one you love is dead type thing but only if theyre actually still alive

Least favorite: i hate the whole enemies to lovers thing. I dont know why i just do. it seems so fucking unrealistic and unnecessary and just no. i also cant stand the damsel in distress

Favorite scenes to write?

Honestly dialogue heavy pieces between main characters. I love things being said and revealed that way. I also love writing the moment that someone falls in love, the slow way you see it slowly start to happen. Also any scene that is intense is fun to write

Most productive time of day for writing?

Anytime the mood strikes. I mostly find myself writing late at night like 11 or later

Reason for writing?

I love stories. And i write fan fic because i love the source material so much and just want to make own stories with the characters and how things might be different such as inserting an entirely new character into Game of Thrones. I journal personally for my mental health and to sort through my emotions but i write stories for fun and to entertain myself. 

#queen of the crows #queen of the crows writes

[artcanary]

1-50

oh my god dude 

im gonna put this under a cut bc this is a lot. this is a ride, have fun i guess

1. Your first OC ever?god. its got to be Super Kitty. when i was like … an incredibly small child I used to draw comic strips about this feline caped crusader, who was friends with everyone in the city, and the comics always involved him stopping an evil banana man from stealing money from the local bank. He was paid with donuts for his service to the city. i still remember how to draw him. 

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?i’d get arrested if I didn’t answer this with Bronze, probably… but really, they’re very important to me

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?man, i cant remember! i really dont think i have… P:

4. A character you rarely talk about?there’s loads of characters ive never even posted a single picture of on tumblr, i wouldnt even know where to start asdf

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be? bronze is the easy answer, but… i guess that could also go to Servant or Westrin. Servant has a comic project in the works that basically stars him, sort of a series of one-shots about the things he’s experienced, i feel like that would be a good thing to take off and run with. Westrin’s just fun as hell, i love the guy.

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?real talk now… there’s at least five different characters that i refer to as a whole as “bronze-tangential”, who started out as, “what would bronze be like if they were in this world?” and then becoming their own thing within said world because i just get stupid attached 

its an epidemic

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?nearly all of them, actually. that’s the main reason i make characters, after all! too many to really go into specifics here, again P: 

8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here!not often, but i think Bronze and Westrin are the most common ones. unless playing a character in dnd, or running an npc in dnd counts… then a whole lot more hahaha

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?it depends on the circumstances. i don’t really like the idea, though. 

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design? Westrin’s old getup is a pain to draw, and there was one other design i did that I cant find anywhere… whichever way, i dont often tend to draw super complicated things often 

a couple fakemon ive designed though… heheh those can get pretty finicky

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”? hmmmmmmmm my immediate thought was Eric Silverdale from a comic i was working on a few years ago. hes a darling, i want him to be my friend irl

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lothow could you do this to me i love each and every one of all my friends ocs GOD the first one who comes to mind is @d20-official‘s Smith, whos Bronze’s friend… everyone in that DND party actually

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs? Rated on a scale from “harmless” to “honestly somewhat frightening”: -Baromet (charming and quite friendly but definitely a kleptomaniac),-Westrin (demigod of bards and travelers), -XEN09 (a nonsense hacker), -Conny (needlessly contrarian and dumb as HELL), -Enza Colie (long fucking story but hes a good-for-nothing), -Hemlocke (mad scientist, chaotic evil), -Iris (AI and hacker, VERY bad), -The Terminus (glitch-in-the-matrix demon, chaotic evil), -and Sydd (the Queen of the Faeries, hopefully the danger there needs no explaining :’D)

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory Mmm… there’s a few of them, most obviously Lent (whose background I did a short comic about). Basically his entire town got eaten by ghosts and turned into zombies, he only barely survived with a sliver of his soul left. 

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?yes, i often discuss storylines and such with friends

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)? Probably Bronze’s dad! I don’t talk about him much, but his name’s Devon Reed, and he was a biotech developer specialising in android design. 

I often describe him as being something of a reverse Arthur Weasley - a very fatherly scientist fascinated to the moon and back with the concept of magic. 

17. Any OC OTPs? having trouble thinking of a lot of them right now, but there’s Eric + Lent & Naiadine + Tailias from Emerald Sigil, Avken + Baromet from my space campaign world, Sydd + Wyvv from my unnamed campaign world, and I’ve been considering Westrin + Servant as an interesting dynamic in Servant’s story

18. Any OC crackships? My character Bismuth and @autistictimeknight​‘s oc Eros. Theyre so fucking in love, I love it. Its been awhile but I do still think about them sometimes.

As I recall, Eros is an empath, she can read other people’s emotions. But Bismuth is a robot, and Eros can’t read her. Because of this Eros can let go of her fear of unintentionally manipulating the emotions of her date, which would hold her back from most other relationships. 

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)Hey, meet Bronze! I definitely do not talk about them every five minutes, why would you say that. 

Bronze was with me through two of the hardest years of my life so far, and being a DND character they grew with me, both as a fighter and as a person. They were non-binary before I started using those pronouns, they were the first character or person or anything who I fought someone about using the right pronouns for, they make a great icebreaker for if I want to see how someone reacts to non-binary pronouns … 

One funny anecdote about Bronze is that when I first made them, their “gimmick” was that they would sometimes glitch out and mess up their speech, mostly because I wanted an excuse not to engage in the roleplaying (which I was very bad at). The interesting thing is that as I got better at interacting with the group, we both grew out of needing it very quickly. 

I’m very proud of Bronze. 

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?Westrin is a bard! His singing voice sounds like Bill Wurtz and these are his theme songs.

21. Your most artistic OCProbably Westrin again, he writes a lot of songs… and Hallux is a game designer?

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how? I honestly dont know… no-one talks to me about them, haha! 

people use all manner of pronouns for bronze, though. 

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?I’m gonna go with Enza for this one. Enza Colie was originally written entirely because I wanted an antagonist for a short starring his sister, Jane Colie. But the more I fleshed out his reasonings for acting how he did and explored his character, the more I realised he’d make an even more interesting character if allowed to have a redemption arc, too. 

I just want to state for the record that I was very reluctant to the idea, and he basically dragged his way out of the villain pit entirely of his own accord. I am dubiously proud of him, and also a bit scared. 

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?Probably either Eric (Big Man, Best Friend), Crocus (Mother figure), Reed (Father Figure), Westrin (hed just make a good friend u kno??), or Bismuth (she makes good conversation!)

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)probably the homestuck fan-troll Hallux, but that’s mostly because they were based on a troll-sona I made awhile ago. They’re a hope/prospit game designer who is small and full of rage and love

oh, and there’s dave! dave’s a superhero speedster, existing in a modern-day superhero version of seattle. theyre idiot, just like me,

26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will? this is an interesting one… i don’t think ive ever had something Bad in a design ive done called to my attention by someone, but I did create my character Servant at around the same time I was first really expanding the diversity of my casts. (since i don’t talk about him often, a little context: he’s a magic spirit creature bound to human form to serve the royal family of the land and follow their orders.) 

somehow, younger-and-more-stupid me managed to have the revelation that making this “eternal slave” character literally anything other than a white man, especially as a white author, would be Pretty Not Good. im … thats really, really not something i should pat myself on the back for, but i do consider it one of the biggest bullets dodged in my artistic career so far that i realised that not all representation is good representation so quickly, before i could make that incredibly, incurably stupid mistake. 

after that, trying to make sure my characters and their presentations don’t harm anyone pretty much has become a paranoia. i don’t seem to have stepped on any toes yet, but when it inevitably happens, please let me know - i didnt know, and i want to fix it! 

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song? None that I can think of, actually! I don’t really do that often. 

28. Your most dangerous OC? god damn it i have no idea!!! is it the terminus? glitch in the matrix god of chaos motherfucker?is it sarle? terrifying calculating scientist with the power of the soul at her fingertips ??? is it ares??? is it athena????? is it petra?????? the gatekeeper???? 

… actually, the gatekeeper might be it, if “dangerous” just refers to “the amount of raw power it can wield”. the Gatekeeper is a titanic entity that exists in interdimensional multiverse space, and its implied to have the ability to create and destroy entire universe bubbles at will. for what cosmic purpose, no-one knows. 

at a more personal scale, though, literally all of the aforementioned characters are pretty bad to run into too. 

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?god. Mina or Tawn. Tawn is the Indiana Jonesy type and probably dumb enough, but also competent enough not to get into too much trouble there. Mina would probably drag her friends along. 

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection? XEN09. No-one knows, because no-one knows xir personal identity. Xe absolutely does, though. It’s less of a secret if you know xir in person, but good luck finding out about it otherwise. 

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)dave just reblogs memes all the time tbh. they like to keep tabs on the ridiculous superhero news going on, and they show human jokes and cat videos to their alien gf. they dont really post or add to posts, but they talk in tags a lot. 

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? i want to say tawn because i literally just realised ive been imagining their voice as sounding like luigi this entire fucking time and i never realised until this exact instant

33. Your shyest OC?probably baromet. they prefer to keep to themself in their hideout, with their collection of shiny things. they don’t really enjoy trying to communicate much, mostly because they expect to get yelled at. 

34. Do you have any twin characters?Yes! At least two sets; 

- Crocus and Sarle. (x) (x) They don’t exactly have a very well-developed relationship, but they are both quite important to the plot of my campaign world, and they are both very interesting. Crocus is a motherly figure who just exudes friendliness, while Sarle is .. very much not that, a researcher studying very gruesome things and pushing the boundaries of reality. 

- Jane and Enza Colie. I haven’t talked a whole lot about either of them here, but I’d rather leave their story to do the talking whenever I get around to it. Essentially, the both of them were intended to do the dirty work for their crime boss family, but Jane ditched to study medicine. Most of the conflict between the two of them comes out of Enza not understanding why she made the choice she did, and coming to understand how he’s been manipulated. 

35. Any sibling characters? I can’t really think of any off the top of my head, I should … I should really work on that. 

I can talk about Westrin, though. Westrin (a demigod of many things, but namely bards, travel, travelers, and people who are lost) often becomes close friends with mortals, sometimes practically adopting them. These people who consider him family, and people who have received his blessing, are able to use his surname, Brilanta, as their own if they choose. So I guess all of the Brilantas are siblings, at least in spirit. 

Oh, and XEN09 has like, seven siblings. Xe is the second-oldest, and least remarkable. 

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)? I already talked about Eros and Bismuth up there a ways in question 18, but I’ll talk about another relationship here. @autistictimeknight​‘s character, Nova the Alchemist, is mentor and adopted parental figure to my character Munna. Munna … Munna isn’t a very good apprentice. She tries very hard. 

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human That’s most of them, I’m not quite sure what to say here. Bronze is an android? Bronze again? Westrin? All the aliens ?? 

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer? man. uh. westrin or jean. or perhaps valencia. 

39. Introduce any character you want ??? uhhhHHHhhHHH Lord Brillium is the reigning deity of the Cloud Kingdoms in the other campaign setting I’m working on. They represent light and the quest for knowledge, and spend most of their days in the Cathedral Observatory watching the stars. 

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!one time bronze flew a hover-bike through the stained glass window in a cathedral blaring all star by smash mouth on their iguana

also one time bronze rickrolled a rakshasa demon and then pulled updog on it like, two minutes later

another time bronze scared off an entire army by pretending to be an automated security system 

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)ive got a whole little folder on here from all you blessed people !!!! right now ive got a drawing quinn did of one o fmy characters as my lockscreen

but i think the one i’ll really never ever get over is this piece of Jane, by @rabendraws​ / @owoltron​: 

(i bet you thought i forgot about this, dude. dude. think again.) 

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods? this is kind of a weird question, m, I feel like Bismuth would find learning about the mythos utterly fascinating, as would Tawn. 

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confesshaha. uh. i might. 

aside from the entire “bronze-tangential characters” thing i mentioned awhile back, I tend to really like designing characters with hair color lighter than their skin color. it just looks so cool man. i love drawing freckles but dont put them on enough characters. i like really curly hair, but also really long and flowy hair. i like drawing triangular body types, and pointy/prominent noses. 

44. Something you like about your OCs in generaluhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is a really vague question. m. m. 

45. A character you no longer use?there’s old versions of characters, but a lot of my older ones have been somehow repurposed. I guess there’s Turien, my first-ever DND character, who’s just kind of sitting dead now. Haven’t really done anything with him other than a pretty recent tangential character. 

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?Not that I can think of.

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child? Im certain it’s happened, but I can’t remember any specific instances. 

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pureSpring. spring knows nothing of th dangers of the world who is letting them into fights someon eneeds to stop this

(spring roll, hehe.) 

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memesim not sure what this question is asking since many of my ocs actively enjoy memes including but not limited to westrin, dave, bronze, xen09, iris, and doctor archersen

50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you wanti think. i think im going to pass on this one. i gave you the good old oc talk. your damn turn, yall: 

if you have any questions about any of these guys feel free to shoot one at me!

thats all from me im tired and its one am. techskylander you absolute madman 

#yetanotherOCmeme #WHY #personal

[teddy-feathers]

Ive got some issues and all I got was this stupid personality disorder label

Hurting myself isnt an answer.

Substituting physical for emotional pain doesn't work ive tried.

But half the time it seems like its the only way to prove things are tearing me up inside and it matters you know?

People dont take your pain seriosuly if youre not an active danger to yourself and others.

How ever since 2012 - we wont get into the shit in 2011/2010 - i have wrecked my car intentionally at least twice to get out of something,

I have cut my arm open and made up a ridiculous story that everyone bought (and still tell people because it is sort of funny and totally something 'I' would do) because it makes more sense then what really happend - I was trying to get out of a conversation i didnt want to have

I ran away to Pittsburg without a word to anyone because it was the first flight leaving that was going someplace that didn't make sense for me to go

I commited fraud - actually for the second time in my life though this time was much different and kinda a fluke - pulled all my cash, took a bua ride to virgina where I was on the street for two days before finding the homeles shelter

Didn't talk to anyone I knew for over a year with one exception that I dont want to get into

Agreed to come home to a place I didn't want to be, to go to school despite not wanting to because it was the 'right' thing to do

Stopped going to classes no matter how.hard I tried to force myself

While for a while i DID get a shrink I stopped going to see her too even though that did make every thing more bearable

I literally find it unsafe for me to drive because the urge to wreck is constant, with some minor urges to just drive away and never come back

I DID wreck my moms car because I was rushing because going to work is such a trial I will watch the time approach until its too late or almost to late before going despite WANTING to be there

Ive lost my job because I simple stopped going because I couldn't STAND them saying nice things about me when I felt like I was fucking all the things up

At my current job I sometimes do go hide in the bathroom to calm down, or have vauge out days where I'm not really there even though Im there.

Ive been really anxious when I do just about anything except when Im not and then I think I'm just psyching myself out for the attention - even though EVERYTHING in me says ANY attention is bad attention

I basically only want to sleep. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Get up. Dinner time and or shower. Back to sleep.

Only i dont always just sleep sometimes i just lay there very much not present while I scroll through tumblr because its the only medium i dont actually have to focus on.

I dont read or write or doodle or play games or do much of anything because it makes me uncomfortable. I cant focus. Feel guilty. I should be doing xyz. Bored despite really wanting to do this.

I dont talk to my friends much and part of that is the schedule - im up at five so im usually going to bed when people are free or at work.

But honestly I can feel how much time I somehow lose or waste like a sweater thats shrunk in the wash.

I shower only once to twice a week which is about the time I finally notice im gross and realize I have to do something about it or people will care

I know some of my current issue is the season but this isnt a new thing or even a dramatic worsening of the state of affairs in my life.

This is the norm it just feels worse right now.

And that's kind of terrifying.

I have very casual disregard for my wellbeing

Im apathetic or angry or want to die...

I want to suffer in a way that's physical and people care about so I can feel valid and not broken

But i dont want help because nothing is wrong

Im being dramatic

And any attention is bad attention

Because i cant explain yes I'm suffering and this is hard for me why must you go out of your way to make it worse dad - without also feeling like oh I dont tell or show him how im hurting at all and when I do its not in a way that makes him take it seriously and never has he ever changed

And it's not just him though its hard to focus on not being upset at him because every thing I normally DONT deal with comes flooding up whenever something new happens

It's... How I don't need people to treat me like I'm glass. To be sympathetic or sad at me. But itd be nice to be able to call in because I'm too scared to go to work. Or leave early because I can't hold it together this long.

And its terrifying to know that maybe my brain just doesn't handle stress well enough to work a full eight hour shift, or five days straight of work. That it takes a full day to recover from stress and during that time Im basically useless and not going to do much in the way of chores or what not.

And though I will on the second there's also a chance the doldrums will set in and going to work will feel like an impossibility the next day.

I'm not making enough money working what I am. I cant afford to cut back.

Just like I can't afford surviving another car wreck.

Just like going to a mental institute or a hospital because I cut my arm open or stabed myself in the leg or a dozen other things or just decided to draw red lines on my arm with a paring knife because even though it doesnt help it might make me feel like my pain is real even though doing it would instantly invalidate it because its for attention that I dont want not only wouldnt help but would make my life worse.

Im just. Sick of my own bullshit. And even if I could find another shrink I like, I couldnt garentee Id keeping going - hell I dont want to go right now even though I want to - and I sure as hell couldn't afford it.

Im tired of being a burden.

I dont want to be here - I shouldnt be here - and laziness and avoidance of conflict is the only reason I havent worked on going anywhere else.

I do bad on my own. Emotionally and in the taking care of myself department. But I also cant say I'm reliable for any stretch of time. Short bursts yes but not consistantly cause brain likes to avoid and run and panic and fall apart. So it also seems pointless to plan to go anywhere because I'll fuck myself over before too long.

I'm just not okay.

And I'm tired of not being okay.

And I'm upset and emotional and maybe just maybe

If i write enough of this down Ill drown it out in the senseless rambling of my own thoughts.

[didsomeonesayventus]

idk i try to keep things a-okay on here but i just really need to vent on like.

everything.

god fucking dammit don’t you just love working twice as hard as your superior only to make like, what, a few dollars an hour less? yeah, checking salary data online my assistant manager, the one that DID NOT impress the area manager or whatever the hell the boss of my boss is, is making like roughly 4$ more than me every hour to do half as good a job in.. anything. Did I fucking mention her boss saw me working with her and someone else and mentioned to the actual manager he was only impressed with me??? god she can’t even be bothered to refill coins or fucking count the safe properly but will spend all her time in the back and make everyone else take on a workload she should be taking on herself because we’re already short staffed here and still losing people but no she’s getting fucking paid more than me- who drives myself to panic attacks to try keep up with making sure things are actually moving along and that people get their food -to basically sit on her ass and become dead weight that ends with me leaving later than I should. Fuck she tells me I work too hard, move too fast, but bitch I bet it’s because you can’t get on my damn level you mid-life crisis piece of shit. You’re like. at least 40. You’ve been a teacher. Why can’t you do better than Panda Express Assistant Manager that you didn’t even actually earn from what I hear you just schmoozed to the manager at your last location and didn’t get actual training to be a manager of any sort.

I can’t figure out groceries, I don’t know how to cook nor do I have motivation to so whatever I do get ends up spoiling, so I’m wasting so much money of my already small paycheck  (30-36 hours a week on 10.50$ an hour, pay every other week with roughly 15% of that taken for taxes)  eating out and even then not giving myself any sort of proper nutrition. I don’t exercise enough either or keep up with showers and teeth brushing and laundry like a person should be so I’m fucking withering away in full out shrug emoji and getting fat and unhealthy and letting everything decay okay maybe im not that bad but I really don’t care.

I can’t afford to go back to college this semester because I’ve been paying rent to my parents (and that ridiculous 450$ a month is due to go up because they could be selling our house for more than they got it for but can’t because me and my older brother are still living here so COMPENSATION I GUESS) and paying for my car (repairs AND gas for a clunker old enough to drive itself and bare minimum insurance) and paying for food and maybe SOMETHING to live for and make me feel okay for just a moment that’s like. stupid cheap generally less than 10$ in terms of price and generally having trouble limiting myself to stricter budgeting so I can actually save up and GOD DAMN don’t get me started on how the college down the street is so fucking packed that I can’t really take any courses unless I signed up like, back in may and I still don’t even know WHY I’m going to college besides “has to” and I can’t bother to fill out FAFSA and like fuck anyone would give me a scholarship since I’m so firmly average and so many people need it more than me.

I still have to make at least 10 job applications or I’m getting 100$ added to my rent because I guess if I hate my job so much why aren’t I getting another when I have no college degree no marketable skills and have been stuck in fast food for two years and therefore have no experience in anything desireable and I don’t know myself enough to sell myself  gee I wonder why I don’t have a better job dad :)))))) I can’t even really say im bright and cheery because that is fading and fading fast because of this damn job where I have no support and constant stress.

I have so much shit in my life i need to fix up. I’m turning 21 this year, I’m getting all these messages about how I should be moved out and on my own and going to college for something I’m so incredibly passionate about and living that wonderful youth life and maybe backpack across the country or whatever.

I have no passions. Art is a distraction and a hobby and no one likes it enough to buy it for dirt cheap anyways (that lunafreya piece came out to about 21$ in my commission pricing and took me like. probably 3 or 4 hours???? which translates to 7$/hour at best and 5.25$/hour at worst???????????) I can’t even write on my rp blog, the last little bastion of any of my love for writing and I don’t fucking care enough about grammar and all that to bother with going for an english major and I don’t have any stories long enough to merit writing and publishing and what’s finished is fucking stupid and not going to get a second glance.

but guess what I keep falling back on doing all these stupid drawings and losing myself in characters and hiding all this pain behind them like that makes it okay but no everyone comes out so fucking OOC to me because I impose so much of my hurt and sadness onto them heck YMX isn’t even fucking YMX anymore I’ve latched onto him so hard to give myself some way of pitying myself without actually pitying myself. you guys can go ahead and say it I’ve fucking ruined him he’s not even an actual character anymore I’ve stripped away literally anything that merits him as a younger Xehanort. You can also say I’ve completely lost sight of who Ventus is as a character and just keep writing fucking 2006-era Roxas.

god i want help. i want help so bad but i don’t feel like i actually need it i just need to get over myself and get moving but i can’t i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes cuz I just wanna keep sleeping and fuck work and fuck doing anything give me a twelve fucking year coma please and let me wake up talented and pretty and loved and actually worth giving a damn about and if not strangle me on those stupid christmas lights I got last year in a silly attempt to be festive and later to try and give some sort of aesthetic to my kleptomaniac’s bedroom at least I’ll give my life a nice poetic send-out. 

I can’t even get help anyways my parents just likely spent a fortune on my sister in hospital visits and therapy appointments because she revealed she was suicidal earlier this year (which fucking wrecked me I knew she was a mess but not that bad) and she’s so much better now and I’m so happy she is and her dog is kinda stupid and needs more walks but Matilda at least makes her happy but we can’t go through that song and dance again with me. We cant have two mental health crises in this family in one year and I most definitely cant ask for help i’ll look like an attention-seeking brat. that’s probably what I am I’m the second eldest out of five and a girl who didn’t have a mom figure I could approach for most of my life and don’t know how to approach my dad or step mother. no one will see i need help just that im looking for attention. fuck man that’s not even getting into how I’ve been in therapy before and in hindsight it feels fucking wasted whoo boy can’t wait to waste money again.

im tired.

I’m just kinda here. 

I’m not even sure if I could call it surviving.

#Katie rambles #negative #really negative guys you're not obligated to read this I just need to vent #it's 1:00 am. the usual time I fall asleep because I can't fucking fall asleep because I get home at 11pm #and then I'm stupid and turn on my computer and try to end my day nicely with fucking tumblr or whatever

[recordicons]

got tagged by @public-school to do this 5 things meme. not tagging anyone but Hoo this got long so its under a cut

5 things you’ll find in my bag: 

binoculars (for bird watching)

wallet. usually empty aside from my id and some change cause im broke

playing cards. i shuffle them when im nervous. sometimes i play card games with people if we have nothing to do. they all have bugs on them instead of the traditional card designs

a kazoo ive had for awhile now. i cant play it much bc it annoys people. but when i can play it it’s fun i like the noise it makes

phone charger bc i physically cannot be in public if i cant use my phone

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom:

clothes that i never hang up or fold. all kinda piled up in a corner. i should clean them up

a stool that i use as kind of a bedside table. i also use it as an actual stool cause im short and cant reach things

my teddy bear! his name is teddy ive slept with him every night for the past ~13 years lmao

textbooks and old assignments that i never organize or put up

too many figures. way too many figures. thinking about how much money ive spent on figures makes me want to die. my favorites are the tpp ocelot and dd i got last month

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in life:

toss together some sort of truck camping setup and go on a cross country roadtrip with someone. some days i lean towards going with friends, some days just with my girlfriend. the fact that im terrified of driving and have no money presents a problem here though

go on a bird watching trip!! ive only been able to birdwatch in my hometown and im tired of the same old birds

be a park ranger. this will probably never happen but the idea of it is nice

be a regular fire lookout. probably never gonna find a nice dynamic to where i could work three seasons a year and do that during the summer but. it would be nice

get a dog. ive never had a dog that was actually mine + that lived with me. i want to get a bigass dog

5 things that make me happy:

my wonderful gf kat @staramie

writing

birdwatching

petting animals

knowing that someday me and kat will be happy and live together

5 things I’m currently into:

mgs

silent hill

osmosis jones

mgs

have i mentioned mgs

5 things on my to-do list:

get better about my schedule (for sleep and work and everything really)

clean my fucking room already

finish at least one of my wip stories

get back into drawing when i have the time to actually sit and Draw

get the shit i need to make ocelot’s bullet pendant

5 things people may not know about me:

im the oldest of 4 kids

i love tarot but dont own any cards bc i have... no money. i wanted to preorder the mgs set that went around recently but no money

ive been 5′3 since 7th grade and am doomed to be short forever

i hate mushrooms. mushrooms can eat my ass

i realized i wasnt cishet at a summer camp when i was 13 bc i found out that being nonbinary was a thing and also fell fuckin head over heels for a girl in the dorm above mine which is like. the most cliche thing ever

[rooftopprendezvous]

(1) Hey, hey! Oh April your anger was my initial reaction too (and honestly if I think about it too much its still my overriding emotion), so I apologise in advance for what I'm sure is gonna be a long, rambly mess (am I really sorry though? cos you are pretty much responsible for me falling down the "Gallavich" rabbit hole hehe!!) but it's the last on this topic, promise. Anyway I experienced my 1st & last 'live' Shameless moment when that 50 second end scene was plastered over social media

2) (cos i'm not watching any more Shitshow eps (not seen any S8/9 & barely remember S6/7 anyway despite it not being that long ago I mistakenly watched it - a blessing I guess lol how is it still going! God!) & I have many conflicting feelings about it tbh. The initial overriding feeling was "I'm mad about it" even though I wasn't surprised. Sighs. I still am really cos even though I admit that I did want "end game" for Mickey & Ian (cos i'm weak), I didn't want it like this!! Look what they've3. done to those KIDS! Just dumping them both in prison (ffs) in a patch job, lazily tagged on ending & then playing Frank Ocean (trying to win points & maybe it worked cos I've listened to that song more than once since gdi) over it cos we are meant to view it as so romantic!? I just..?!? I mean you gotta laugh really.. I suppose it is very "Shameless". Honestly I don't think I've known a show to so unapologetically give so little care to its own characters (let alone fans). urgh.4. (aka arrogant, lazy & petty? hmm). Tbf they had written themselves into a corner where this was the only ending they could give, other than have Ian run away to mexico, which yeah why didn't they do that? But, and here's the other side of my thought process about it all, at least this way they'll both be free after they serve their time, genuinely free not fugitives. So my rationalising about it all is basically that they serve relatively short sentences (Mickey negotiated a good deal ok lol!5. also at least he was given some agency back here in a way - yes I know I'm reaching), during which they will have time to hash everything out (aka Ian has a shit tonne of explaining, grovelling & making up to do imo) & then they are free to live out their lives & have a real chance at being together away from all the BS that's been thrown their way. That's my story anyway (they better not do or say anything to contradict this in canon now I stg). That's how I choose to view it as this way6.I can be relatively happy they ended up together & it allows me to look back their journey story without bitterness taking over cos Mickey Milkovich & the journey he and Ian (rip puppy Ian from the early days - he was cute) went on (before tptb fucked it up) deserves to be looked back on fondly. So that's the story of my journey to acceptance I guess lol. Plus there are no longer at the shows mercy to screw over! Also if you ignore everything else it was good to see mickey again, swooping in7. To save the day being his cocky self, for all of 30 secs, for some sort of closure (the article you reblogged was spot on). In that short scene cam & noel's chemistry was undeniable (easily the best thing to come out of that show - tptb know it too. Bet they hate it that's why they ended it like this #petty but fan service still or maybe they thinks it's actually good who tf knows). But it wouldn't have been the same ending Ian's journey without mickey (they really screwed Ian's charachter8. Over after mickey left didn't they - cant blame cam for leaving. Maybe he should have left after s7. We coulda had them driving across the border as their ending then). I defo think all parties involved did it to shut down the relentless demand. Everyone (cam, Noel, the fabs) can be free now. So I'll take this version of endgame but I won't thank tptb for it! Sidenote but Noel really is s talented cute bean isn't he?! 😊 anyway sorry for the self indulgent ramble. It got way long! Thanks for9. Being my cheerleader through this v belated journey. Did you warn me not to? I can't remember? 🤣 just kidding! I'll ignore the in between bits & focus on the good & imagine a better future for them away from shameless' clutches. My mental gymnastics to be happyish with it is impressive huh? (I mean I'm still mad but eh). Lol. You deserve a medal for dealing with it all in real time! Hope you're not too disheartened. Glad you're all good my lovely! ❤ Tina

to be fair i definitely warned you before you started watching but nobody ever listens because you see their early stuff and like i said magic. they draw you in and you just can’t help yourself. i really don’t want to say a whole lot about everything that angered me and i totally understand why people are burying their heads in the sand and saying ‘end game’ and ‘happy ending’ but like life didn’t just stop? they have to actually live their lives in prison and for people with their histories, their backgrounds, and their mental issues to contend with, if we’re being realistic this is probably like the worst ending? because what happens when mickey’s smart mouth and short fuse get him in trouble? or ian doesn’t get his meds and goes manic? nothing good. also tptb couldn’t help themselves form doing mickey dirty again could they? also for me a good parallel isn’t mickey risks everything to break out with almost the exclusive purpose of being with ian again and now he has to risk it all again, this includes his life to get back into prison to be with ian? where is ian’s sacrifice in any of this? a couple seasons ago i would have felt that overwhelming love from ian but after listening to him badmouth mickey for so long and turn him away again and again it didn’t feel like enough. if i’m being honest i feel like cam wanted out a long time ago and he’s been phoning in his performances. his guest appearances and work outside shameless were far superior for quite a while now. his best scenes on shameless in the last idk three or four years have all been with noel. i don’t think he liked where they took his character after mickey left and i don’t think he liked how they treated mickey’s character. he and noel seemed quite close and they cared a lot about the story they were telling. and stepping outside of just what they did with bringing mickey in for the ending i wanted to vomit when they had ian go to fucking terry milkovich of all people to ask for advice about prison. like how gross can they be? so i guess i got carried away as well but yeah i’m angry and i’m never not going to be angry. just waiting for when they bring them both back magically out of prison for the finale. or just cam and say some shit about mickey staying longer because he got more time. i wouldn’t put anything past them at this point. 

#reply #sweet anons #shameless tina #long post

[exactlywhoyouthinkiwas-blog]

[3/3/2015 9:41:28 PM] Evan: Hey. [3/3/2015 9:43:51 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Yo [3/3/2015 9:44:11 PM] Evan: How're you [3/3/2015 9:44:59 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Fine. I guess. [3/3/2015 9:45:00 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: You [3/3/2015 9:47:27 PM] Evan: I'm alright. What's up? [3/3/2015 9:50:22 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Nothing. and by nothing i mean i cant make myself actually do things. [3/3/2015 9:52:20 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: wha bout you [3/3/2015 9:53:24 PM] Evan: About to work on that picture again. [3/3/2015 9:53:51 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: sounds like a fun [3/3/2015 9:57:11 PM] Evan: Yup. [3/3/2015 9:57:24 PM] Evan: Did you ever finish that birthday present? [3/3/2015 9:57:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: nope [3/3/2015 9:58:04 PM] Evan: Did you ever start it? :P [3/3/2015 9:59:10 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: no. Im having trouble even just drawing a hand a whole bust isnt really going to work. [3/3/2015 9:59:47 PM] Evan: Ah. D: [3/3/2015 10:01:51 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah....stuff isnt really coming out right or well [3/3/2015 10:04:16 PM] Evan: Ah. Well maybe it doesn't have to O: [3/3/2015 10:07:49 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: i dont really...like...putting out things that are very subpar. it has to be only the best [3/3/2015 10:10:37 PM] Evan: Makes sense, I s'pose. [3/3/2015 10:11:47 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: aight. so...i have a question for YOU *squints* [3/3/2015 10:12:21 PM] Evan: Oh? [3/3/2015 10:12:36 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Like wwwwwwwwwwwww [3/3/2015 10:12:37 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: why [3/3/2015 10:12:42 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: do you even care [3/3/2015 10:12:44 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: about ME [3/3/2015 10:12:50 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like im thebiggest waste [3/3/2015 10:12:56 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: of ANYONES time [3/3/2015 10:15:10 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like im not really worth the effort of caring over. like i know i cant make people stop but i question why they do. [3/3/2015 10:16:58 PM] Evan: Why do you think you're a waste of time? [3/3/2015 10:18:27 PM] Evan: You're one of the people I've met that I wanted to get to know better, and I wasn't going to get that chance without just talking to you. I think you're very interesting, and also [3/3/2015 10:18:41 PM] Evan: it seemed to me that you wanted someone to talk to. [3/3/2015 10:19:16 PM] Evan: And I like talking to you. You aren't wasting my time. [3/3/2015 10:19:51 PM] Evan: Even if we don't talk about anything in particular. [3/3/2015 10:21:41 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: ..I still dont really understand but i had to ask. Like i dont know i dont really understand why people do things. I already knew the answer wouldnt make sense to me, but i guess its better to actually have one. [3/3/2015 10:22:22 PM] Evan: What part doesn't make sense [3/3/2015 10:25:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: I dont know like i still dont understand like im not really that special...aside from the fact i got a huge short end of the stick when it comes to mental shit which renders me the most socially inept asshole on the planet [3/3/2015 10:31:27 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: I shoulda guessed the answer wouldnt really make too much sense to me.. I personally just dont get why everyone likes me i get thats a personal opinion i just *shrugshrug* [3/3/2015 10:34:23 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: (just to clarify im not saying i dont like you or hate talking to you. like youre the only person who actually talks to me now. i just wanted to clarify in case it seemed like i was giving off that impression) [3/3/2015 10:34:39 PM] Evan: Nah, not really. [3/3/2015 10:34:59 PM] Evan: I've just been trying to think of a way to say the thing without sounding like some kind of motivational bullshit. [3/3/2015 10:35:45 PM] Evan: but for some reason the first thing that came to mind was "No one's special, but everyone is different." lmao [3/3/2015 10:36:06 PM] Evan: And I have no idea how to follow that up. [3/3/2015 10:36:35 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: oh. ok. i just didnt want to sound like i was being a COMPLETE asshole [3/3/2015 10:37:40 PM] Evan: but yeah [3/3/2015 10:37:52 PM] Evan: something something you'recoolerthanyouthink something something [3/3/2015 10:41:19 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: pbbt this coming from the person who calls themself a loser whenever they have to mention themself, or a "social wreck". there is an irony here i can just smell it. [3/3/2015 10:45:37 PM] Evan: haha yeah. I'm 20 years old, single my entire life, have one friend, a dead-end entry-level job, and spend all of my free time in this here chair. I'm certainly a loser with very not good social skills. Maybe you are too. Really makes no difference, because it's still nice talking to you. [3/3/2015 10:48:28 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: I dont even have a job yet, so you may say you are a loser, but youre not a dirty hikkiNEET like me. i dont even sit in a chair tho...i actually never move from my bed. [3/3/2015 10:49:57 PM] Evan: Bed's pretty soft, that's probably the way to go. [3/3/2015 10:54:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: Weh, they get worn down easy. but im gonna have to say it, youre pretty interesting tooooo. =:A [3/3/2015 11:01:06 PM] Evan: Haha thanks [3/3/2015 11:01:41 PM] Evan: also what is that smiley [3/3/2015 11:01:44 PM] Evan: it looks like a dinosaur [3/3/2015 11:02:43 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: the A is suppoosed to be a mouth...and like the = is the eyes the : is just there because. [3/3/2015 11:03:37 PM] Evan: lol [3/3/2015 11:05:15 PM] Evan: These things confuse me. But as far as smileys go I'm pretty basic. [3/3/2015 11:05:42 PM] Evan: I never make this face -> :D [3/3/2015 11:05:45 PM] Evan: but I use it the most [3/3/2015 11:07:38 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: i just make whatever the fuck. like i really just put stuff together so most of the things i make arent even like widely used ??? [3/3/2015 11:07:59 PM] Evan: lol that's a new one [3/3/2015 11:09:52 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like i said most of the time i just throw shit together..its a metaphor for my life [3/3/2015 11:10:13 PM] Evan: I'd hope it wasn't literal. [3/3/2015 11:11:55 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: The only literal i am is garbage. (·c·) [3/3/2015 11:12:43 PM] Evan: Then I'd reccommend avoiding curbs and community service workers. [3/3/2015 11:13:39 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: im already in garbage hell, home of not doing what im supposed to be ever [3/3/2015 11:18:04 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like at this rate itll be 2 years later and then i finally release an episode [3/3/2015 11:18:45 PM] Evan: Just as long as it releases. heh [3/3/2015 11:20:22 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: by then all my voice actors would probably quit and id be back to like square one. like how am i gonna do all this in 3 months i only made the deadline so long because i still need to do the fucking opening and shit [3/3/2015 11:21:16 PM] Evan: Ah. Openings suck. [3/3/2015 11:22:33 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: i dont even know what to do with the first one because its so uninteresting. like its tooooo happy [3/3/2015 11:25:14 PM] Evan: lol [3/3/2015 11:25:21 PM] Evan: Isn't season 1 supposed to be happy tho [3/3/2015 11:26:28 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: yesssssssssss its like "lets be real you know dis aint the story you making" [3/3/2015 11:26:48 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: but i have to so i can crush peoples hopes and dreams [3/3/2015 11:29:41 PM] Evan: aka the best thing ever [3/3/2015 11:29:48 PM] Evan: crushing hopes and dreams that is [3/3/2015 11:31:05 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: too much power for one man to hold this should be illegal [3/3/2015 11:31:50 PM] Evan: The police are on their way. [3/3/2015 11:31:56 PM] Evan: Scratch that. [3/3/2015 11:32:01 PM] Evan: The garbage men [3/3/2015 11:34:04 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: oh nooo. how will i live now, the only thing i ever do is illegal nooo [3/3/2015 11:38:30 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: how am i going to write stories now [3/3/2015 11:39:09 PM] Evan: write them on prison toilet paper [3/3/2015 11:42:45 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: you cant animate in garbage jail. how am i supposed to destroy peoples expectations and kill mains now [3/3/2015 11:46:52 PM] Evan: Write them coded letters. [3/3/2015 11:46:57 PM] Evan: Decode for spoilers. [3/3/2015 11:49:36 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: thats so much work tho. why cant things just make themselves [3/3/2015 11:54:38 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: fanime would be so much easier that way. like it wouldnt take like one person 5 years to work on something [3/3/2015 11:55:04 PM] Evan: That would be great. [3/3/2015 11:55:10 PM] Evan: Sit back and watch your own show. lol [3/3/2015 11:56:56 PM] Vrrrrrris??~: like you could just do like put the whole show up at once there it fucking is and actually be able to move on with your life [3/3/2015 11:57:22 PM] Evan: All ten shows. [3/4/2015 12:00:19 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: ...its 12....it miiiiight be 13 theres something im not sure about because its probably too edge to be able to put on youtube. and i dont know the meaning of turn it down like...but from what i remember yeah its 12 or so titles counting all of the stuff in the MSC continuity as one entity [3/4/2015 12:00:55 AM] Evan: whats the edge one O: [3/4/2015 12:05:35 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: I havent actually announced it because im not sure if im gonna make it but if i do it would be called KamiGami or Paper Gods, just because, and like theres some world building thatd need to be done to it but basically its like a "demon tamer" which is just like a higher up demon comes to some town disguised as a foreign exchange student to protect it from like demons and shit and ends up fighting some guy from a family thats had a long spanning feud with his and thats why the main guys family is all dead and shit. mostly what im unsure about is that its going to have like gore and shit which ehhhhh i dont know how id get around that [3/4/2015 12:10:30 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: i have like until the end of the year to decide tho *shrugshrug* [3/4/2015 12:16:16 AM] Evan: Well you can absolutely put gore on YouTube without it being a problem. [3/4/2015 12:16:44 AM] Evan: It's really only sexual stuff that gets taken down, and even then it has to be specifically pornographic. [3/4/2015 12:21:14 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: Weh, i mean i usually like to try and be safe with stuff, i dont know ill sort that one out later [3/4/2015 12:21:55 AM] Evan: hahayeah [3/4/2015 12:22:02 AM] Evan: many things to do first [3/4/2015 12:24:18 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah. i still gotta catch up in terms of episodes considering there was like a whole years worth of not working on any. [3/4/2015 12:25:55 AM] Evan: O: [3/4/2015 12:29:28 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: like you can say what you want about "supposed to have 2 episodes out by now" I shouldve at least had one CLOSE to done. [3/4/2015 12:34:44 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: I probably wont actually even meet my deadline either like i usually never do. like I think that i give it enough time but i always miss them [3/4/2015 12:35:54 AM] Evan: D: [3/4/2015 12:36:03 AM] Evan: when does cat girl get introduced [3/4/2015 12:36:06 AM] Evan: like actually introduced [3/4/2015 12:37:45 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: episode 2. shes like the 3rd classmate to...i think its third. Yeah 3rd shes the 3rd classmate to intruduce themselves [3/4/2015 12:43:18 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: i never expected so many people to like her tho but like i think i got the most auditions from her from like both men and women. I think i made the right choice tho her voice is pretty funny gueheheh [3/4/2015 12:47:45 AM] Evan: nice [3/4/2015 12:52:58 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah. tenshi auditioned for her too which i found surprising. we both agreed tho that that isnt a thing, cause like theres no way hed be able to make that voice ever again [3/4/2015 1:11:23 AM] Evan: lol [3/4/2015 1:15:52 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: Yeah, I dont blame him tho higher nasily voices are a bitch. [3/4/2015 1:34:12 AM] Evan: Yeah. [3/4/2015 1:39:25 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: at least yall dont sound 12 tho. [3/4/2015 1:39:57 AM] Evan: Sounding 12 is not great. [3/4/2015 1:41:40 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: like i dont wanna sound 12 but honestly i dont wanna go through trying to find anther high voice thats not impossible to do for doki so like ok shes 12 its only for this series [3/4/2015 1:45:01 AM] Evan: lol [3/4/2015 1:49:15 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeh. like it was a joke voice originally anyway, and i hate myself everyday for doing that. [3/4/2015 1:52:09 AM] Evan: Those decisions are the best. [3/4/2015 1:52:16 AM] Evan: oh yeah btw [3/4/2015 1:52:20 AM] Evan: http://drahveson.deviantart.com/art/Blue-517909682?ga_submit_new=10%253A1425451891&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1&ga_recent=1 [3/4/2015 1:53:09 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: cool shit. [3/4/2015 1:53:24 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: what do you mean "awkward everything" haha [3/4/2015 1:53:48 AM] Evan: It's a bit wonky. heh [3/4/2015 1:54:07 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: it look FINE [3/4/2015 1:55:06 AM] Evan: Well I'm glad you like it. [3/4/2015 1:58:04 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: why wouldnt i? [3/4/2015 1:58:35 AM] Evan: Dunno. lol [3/4/2015 1:58:44 AM] Evan: Maybe because it's a bit wonky. :P [3/4/2015 2:01:09 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: pbbt yeah right. theres nothing thats like super off i dont see much of a problem with it at all. [3/4/2015 2:02:09 AM] Evan: There are some things I'm not crazy about, but that's just my art in general. lol [3/4/2015 2:05:26 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: well thats pretty much how it always is. like i just spent hours trying to do foreshortened hands and even with a photo reference i think they look terrible, but i know theres gonna be the one person whos like "i cant even draw hands lol" [3/4/2015 2:05:41 AM] Evan: haha yeah [3/4/2015 2:14:51 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeah, well, regardless of what you think i think it turned out great. [3/4/2015 2:17:11 AM] Evan: In which case I'm glad you think so. It is for you, after all. [3/4/2015 2:23:27 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: wellllll, thank you for drawing it. its pretty fab. [3/4/2015 2:24:34 AM] Evan: Welllllll thank you for requesting it [3/4/2015 2:29:23 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: its no problem.....iguesss [3/4/2015 3:49:38 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: (im prrrrobably gonna be bopping off for now so like i guess ill catchya tomorrow) (yes thats technically today but who cares) [3/4/2015 3:50:22 AM] Evan: Alrighty. Good night. [3/4/2015 3:50:50 AM] Vrrrrrris??~: yeh GN

#said evan to vriska

[welcome-to-sanjis-shitty-kitchen]

Brain what the fuck, i want to sleep

Its like 5 am and im remembering the most random shit. In my graduation cermony in highschool every student got awarded some sort of title, a short introduction associated with some hobby or talent, a litteral fake diploma for being cool. So it was only me and this dude who got something with videogames, the dude got something like he was flippin awesome at videogames, like very good at videogames. But hoo boy, mine got specific, i got awarded being the queen of horror basicly. Like, it's nowhere close to the truth, but it sounded so much fucking cooler then the other dude who was like generally good. I think i know what teacher gave me that title though, cause we hanged out a lot, i talked to him a fucking lot about The evil within and we watched trailers and lets plays. Also some silent hill shit but oh well. I had like extra time so he could monitor me and help so i actually did my work. But every single time half of the godamn lesson we always just talked shit or videogames. Apparantly we litterally almost lived next to eachother at some point, his friend is my neighbour and he lived further up. We had so much internal jokes about the shitty countryside. We litterally greeted eachother in the hallway like "hey shit waddup in the dump" "its still shit, thnx for asking" Since i always drawed when i was bored he usually saw a lot of it. He thought i drawed him once and refused to accept the godamn fact i was drawing nathan drake. This is what i do at 5:30 in the morning. THINK TOO GODAMN MUCH. anyways it was fun remembering that shit because my friends arent the biggest fans of videogames so i really had no one to talk to about games i really loved. Actually no one still really like videogames, or dont care too much about them. Tumblr helps though, kinda satisfying to see other people talk about shit i like. Anyways this was suposed to be short but as everyone of you guys probably have noticed i cant fucking write short stories. This was a problem in litterature classes as i had to much fucking exposition and planned plot in my head to know where to start. It always took so much fucking time cause i had to plan out my characters into detail, their mental image, personality, traits, how their behavior and mentality was affected by the plot and to shove some moral choices on how they could act appropritly for it to not seem fuckibg weird. Aka i thought about too much friggin details and i always didnt turn in the assignment in time or i couldnt progress the story because i didnt know where i had my characters. Wiritng on my own is great though. Have a super fucking long story ive been working on for about 8 years now. Its fuckinh insane. This thing is like my fucked up little baby that will never see the light of day. If i read it now i would have to kinkshame myself. As in a fan of gory and fucked up shit, real trippy messing with ur head shit. The story is basicly outlast 2. Just less evil cults. But since i decided to make it a realistic story theres so much fucked up shit with how much people can affect eachother. And since im really cruel to my main character its ofc in a negative way. His basicly kaneki ken levels of insane and i kinda want to kill him at this point. Funny enough when i created the actual art for how he would look i ended up making a version of myself as a dude. Because it was easier to give him my personality as he can seem more genuine and not all his conversations make him seem bipolar cause i cant follow a pattern of personalities. Jesus christ i need to sleep, and maybe draw some more.

#h god this is long #im so sorry #i babbled on again #fuck