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mostlysignssomeportents · 3 years

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Ant, Uber, and the true nature of money

The US election news has largely overshadowed a seismic moment in global finance: Ant, a fintech company that spun out of Alibaba/Alipay, was scheduled to have the world's largest IPO, topping even Aramco, the Saudi sovereign wealth fund.

Then Chinese regulators canceled it.

As Yves Smith writes in her excellent Naked Capitalism breakdown, the consensus narrative on this is capricious Chinese regulators changed their minds and jerked the rug out from under Ali's billionaire owner Jack Ma.

The reality is a lot chewier.

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2020/11/china-takes-step-against-securitization-consumer-borrowing-with-suspension-of-ant-ipo.html

To understand it, you need to understand the difference between the Chinese and American "money story." In the US, there is widespread, unquestioning faith in the fairytale that money predates the state and is separate from it.

In this story, people come together to trade but are plagued by disparate goods: if I want to pay for your chickens with a cow, how do you make change? They spontaneously decide that something (gold?) is money and price their cows and chicks in it.

Then, governments come along tax our gold away, and then to add insult to injury, governments abandon gold and insist that paper is as good as gold, print too much of it and crash the economy!

This probably sounds familiar to you, but it's just not true.

The actual historical reality, supported by history, archaeology and anthropology, is that governments created money by creating tax. The first "money" was the Babylonian ledgers that recorded how much of their crops farmers owed to the state and their creditors.

Money took a leap forward with imperial conquest: emperors solved the logistical problem of feeding and billeting their occupying soldiers by charging the occupied a tax that had to be paid for in coins stamped with the emperor's head.

They paid the soldiers in these coins, and demanded that their conquered populations somehow get the coins in order to pay their tax, with violent consequences if the tax wasn't paid. So the people sold food and other necessities to soldiers to get the coins.

Money, in other words, is how states provision themselves, and it derives its value from the fact that you have to pay your taxes in it. Governments spend money into existence by buying labor and goods from the public, and then tax it out of existence once a year.

The money the government spends, but does not tax, is the public's money - the money left over for us to transact. All the money in circulation is the sum total of all the money the government spent but didn't tax - that is, the government's deficit is the public's asset.

When governments run "balanced budgets" (or budget surpluses), they remove money from the economy, leaving the public with less to spend. That can be a good thing - a way to fight inflation, which is when too much money chases too few assets.

Low government spending slows growth by taking away the private sector's ability to spend. When the private sector is at full employment, when it is buying all the stuff that's for sale, you need to do something to keep inflation at bay.

During WWII, the USG competed with the private sector for stuff and labor. Uncle Sam spent lots of new money into existence, paying people to build munitions - but then convinced people to buy war bonds, burying that new money for years to come.

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2019/07/taxes-for-revenue-are-obsolete.html

But when governments run so lean that there isn't enough money in the economy for the private sector to buy the stuff it needs, it seeks out other forms of money, like bank loans (which generate interest income for shareholders - one reason the market likes austerity).

In theory, bank lending is tightly regulated. Banks are the government's fiscal agents, creatures of the state, only able to trade because of a government charter. But when there isn't enough money in the system, unregulated banks spring into existence.

Another word for "unregulated bank" is "fintech" (h/t Riley Quinn).

And now we're back to China and the money story. Chinese finance regulators have always treated money as a public utility, to be spent or withdrawn to accomplish public purposes.

During the country's rapid industrialization, regulators loosened the flow of money to allow for rapid capacity-building, directing the country's productive capacity to building factories that would multiply that capacity.

But when they shut off the spigot and told factory owners that their future growth would come from making and selling things, the wealthy rebelled and sought out money from unlicensed banks or banks that were willing to break the rules.

This led to a string of subprime debt crises over the past five years, as regulators crushed these wildcat money-creators as fast as they popped up.

https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2016-02-17/china-s-600-billion-subprime-crisis-is-already-here

China's 1% fought back. They emigrated:

https://www.macrobusiness.com.au/2012/08/rich-chinese-flee/

They used cryptocurrency (aka fintech) to evade capital controls, inflating the Bitcoin price-bubble and the Vancouver/Sydney/etc real-estate price bubble as they laundered their money and stashed it in safe-deposit boxes in the sky:

https://www.ft.com/content/bad16a88-d6fd-11e6-944b-e7eb37a6aa8e

As China's shadow economy ballooned it also grew in criminality. There was the wave of Chinese debt-kidnappings, which became so widespread that hostage-taking was described as "China's small claims court."

https://foreignpolicy.com/2017/08/08/chinas-police-think-hostages-arent-their-problem/

No wonder regulators fought back.

China's regulators didn't win a decisive victory, but they retained enormous control over their money-supply, and that REALLY paid off when the pandemic hit and they suspended all debts, rents, and taxes and mothballed the entire productive economy.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/01/cant-pay-wont-pay/#jubilee-now

Contrast with the US where the finance sector is an industry, not a public utility. Finance flexed its political muscle and diverted nearly the whole stimulus to itself, then crushed the productive economy by demanding debt service and rents.

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2020/09/michael-hudson-how-an-act-of-god-pandemic-is-destroying-the-west-the-u-s-is-saving-the-financial-sector-not-the-economy.html

The ability to use finance as a utility is one of China's crucial assets, and it defends that asset ferociously. And THAT'S why the Ant IPO got killed. Ant's major source of income is short-term, high-interest lending, what Chinese regulators call "pawnbrokering."

China's pawnbrokers are a $43B shadow banking sector, and the country's regulators have been cracking down on them for the past year.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-03-12/china-is-said-to-scrutinize-43-billion-pawn-shop-lending-boom

$43B is a drop in the bucket of China's shadow economy (valued at $9T!), but it has real metastatic potential.

Ant's innovation is to fintechify the pawnbroker industry, by tying it to apps (on the front end) and to a US-style debt-brokerage (on the back end).

IOW: Ant's business model is that desperate people use an app to request and quickly receive high-risk, high-interest loans.

Then Ant sells the loans to "investors" (AKA "securitization"). Converting debts into income streams for third parties is the true basis of the finance industry. It's the means by which socially useless intermediaries extract ever-mounting rents from the productive economy.

And as Smith writes in her breakdown, the fact that Chinese finance regulators weren't going to let Ant explode his mass-scale, app-based payday-lending pawnbrokerage is not a surprise. They've been telling Jack Ma this for MONTHS, publicly and privately.

Ma thought he could simply bull his way past the Chinese regulators - that because he runs Alibaba and its subsidiaries, that they would defer to him. But the whole point of a finance regulator is NOT to let the finance sector write its own rules.

That's because bankers will cheerfully set the whole economy on fire to turn a buck (see, e.g., America).

Ant was on track for the largest IPO in world history due to investors' appetite for converting Chinese money from a public utility to a private enrichment vehicle.

So yeah, you're goddamned right the Chinese regulator wasn't going to let him do it. Their whole JOB is to not let him do it.

If you read this far, you may be asking yourself why, if governments don't need taxes to fund programs, they bother to tax at all?

There are two important reasons. The first is to fight inflation, by removing existing money from circulation so that when the government spends new money into existence to pay for the things it needs, that money isn't bidding against the existing supply.

But the other reason is to deprive the wealthy of the power that money brings, lest they use that power to pervert policy. Jack Ma's billions are what got him to the brink of a disastrous IPO for his unregulated bank.

And the US election demonstrates just how badly public policy fares when concentrated money is brought to bear on it for parochial purposes. Take Prop 22, the California ballot initiative to allow Uber and Lyft to misclassify their employees as independent contractors.

No on Prop 22 is a no-brainer. Vast numbers of gig workers are full-time employees, not contractors, and Lyft and Uber and other gig economy companies have pioneered labor misclassification as a tactic for paying literal starvation wages.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/10/14/final_ver2/#prop-22

And yet, Prop 22 passed, thanks to the largest-ever spending on any ballot initiative in California history: $205 million ($628,854/day!), spent pn 19 PR firms (including Big Tobacco's cancer-denial specialists).

https://jacobinmag.com/2020/11/proposition-22-california-uber-lyft-gig-employee/

The spend included a bribe to the NAACP Chair's consultancy that made sub-minimum wage jobs with no benefits for people of color (the majority of gig workers) seem like a blow for racial justice.

All told, Uber/Lyft's campaign outspent 49 out of 53 CA House races COMBINED.

And it was a bargain. Lyft and Uber have stolen $413m from California's employment insurance fund since 2014 - and that's just one cost they ducked through this victory. Far more important are the savings they'll realize on worker safety and job-related death claims.

The gig economy companies are the epitome of the financial economy destroying the productive economy. None of these companies turn a profit, after all - all they do is destroy actual, profitable businesses.

Currently the entire restaurant sector is being laid to waste by Postmates and Uber Eats (even as both lose vast sums):

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/19/we-are-beautiful/#man-in-the-middle

And the workers who lost out with Prop 22 are being "chickenized" - having all the risk of operating a business shifted onto their side of the ledger:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/14/poesy-the-monster-slayer/#stay-on-target

(No surprise, one of Prop 22's signature achievements was denying workers the right to unionize).

The desperation of chickenized workers is downright dystopian:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/02/free-steven-donziger/#phone-trees

and chickenization (not automation) is the major cause of falling wages:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/06/17/on-face-interaction/#zombie-robots

Lyft, Uber, Postmates, and the whole gamut of gig economy companies are all haemorrhaging money. Uber alone lost $4.7B in the first half of 2020. That's how you can tell they aren't tech companies: tech companies profited during the pandemic.

Gig-economy companies aren't part of the productive economy - they're part of the finance economy. They rely on investors, not profits from delighted customers, to stay afloat. They make nothing. They destroy everything: workers' lives, productive businesses.

They will never be profitable. Ever.

Take Uber. The company only exists because the Saudi royals amassed so much money that they could bend reality. The "Saudi Vision 2030" plan calls for the creation of new sources of post-oil wealth.

To that end, the Saudis have poured money into the Softbank VC fund, which then supported global-scale, money-losing, predatory businesses in the hopes of securing a monopoly (or, failing that, unloading the company onto dazzled suckers).

When the company IPOed last year, it had already lost $10b. It loses $0.41 on every dollar you spend on your fare. And yet, the Saudis got away clean, off the backs of investors who assumed that a pile of shit this big must have a pony under it somewhere.

Some believed the company's lies about the imminence of self-driving cars. Uber is not going to make a self-driving car.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/30/death-to-all-monopoly/#pogo-stick-problem

Some believed the company's lies about profitability via growth. It can't grow to profitability. By its own disclosures, profitability depends on every public transit system in the world shutting down and being replaced by Ubers. #Nagahappen.

https://48hills.org/2019/05/ubers-plans-include-attacking-public-transit/

The Saudi strategy - and its punishing, economy-destroying reality-distortions - are exemplary of what happens when government let too much money accumulate in unaccountable, private hands. Prop 22 will kill and starve workers, and the public will pick up the pieces.

The businesses that profit from these deaths and immiseration will fail anyway, but not before their major backers and top execs make hundreds of millions or billions.

Recall: the Ant IPO was set to smash the existing record: Saudi Aramco (AKA the money behind Uber).

Meanwhile, all the blood and treasure squandered on Prop 22 - the $205m spent on the Yes side, the $20 spent by unions on the No side - won't save Uber or other gig economy companies.

Not only are they bleeding money, but as Edward Ongweso Jr explains, "Uber is losing legal challenges in France, Britain, Canada, Italy," turning drivers into employees or allowing "lawsuits reclassifying them as such."

https://www.vice.com/en/article/3annmb/proposition-22-passes-in-california-but-uber-and-lyft-are-only-delaying-the-inevitable

And other US states - NY, MA, NJ - are working to end the misclassification of Uber drivers and other gig workers.

Permitting Uber and other gig economy companies to flout the law did not make the economy better. All it did was transfer more money to the wealthy.

And the money they wealthy amass is converted to political power, usurping money's role as a public utility and converting it to a means to seek private gains at public expense.

#pluralistic

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helliontherapscallion · 3 years

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omg pls share the story abt the lecture from that girl’s dad (only if u feel like it) but seriously ppl it’s not that hard to put a mask on to help the spread of a virus. just wear it, it keeps u safe. and for the ppl who don’t care then just wait til it affects u, bcs covid isn’t a game. I just wish ppl were more serious abt it

Ok so sit down and buckle up kiddos and grab some snacks bc this is a helluva ride

Little background info: I have been a section leader for both my junior and senior years now. When the new freshmen came in my first year of being section leader I was hyped as hell. And then this new freshman whips out a lighter and lights it WHILE WE’RE INSIDE THE SCHOOL MIGHT I ADD with a straight face looking off into the distance before we ask her to put it away. She also always has a pocket knife on her that we found on the ground during band camp. I’ll call her POS.

I tried to like POS I really did, but then she turned out to be a bigoted racist asshole (she also drinks deer blood straight from the corpse and simps over jeffery dahmer so even more red flags). It was extremely hard for me to treat her like I did with the other people in my section, but I managed to treat her the same as the other people and avoided her for the most part (thank god she wasn’t in my subsection I would’ve actually gone insane)

Flash forward to this year. Covid was hitting full force and we had to quarantine for the first two months of our season setting us back by a lot. She was wishywashy about rejoining but as the most senior leader of my section my band director was on my ass about getting a straight answer from her and fast. So I kinda had to force her to give me an answer (which she told me she was doing it quickly which leads me to think she already knew she was doing it) so she already was going into the season hating my guts

When we finally had an in person rehearsal for the first time, she wasn’t wearing a mask so when I asked her where it was she looked at me like I was the dumbass and said in a matter-of-fact tone “it’s in my pocket” and pointed to the confederate flag bandana hanging out of her pocket. Those four words told me that this season was going to be a fuckin long one with her. I just deadpanned (she couldn’t see it tho bc mask, sunglasses, and floppy hat blocking my entire face) and said “I’d rather it be on your face. (band director and marching instructor’s names) will have my ass if they see you not wearing one.” She rolls her eyes and puts it on (at least it was over her nose)

A few months go by with me telling her constantly to put on a mask bc I am responsible for my section and I’d be damned if one of them got sick bc of one idiot being stupid that I could prevent. She is getting madder and madder with each passing rehearsal.

Band camp rolls around and it changed from 5 13 hour days to 15 3 hour ones and I am already done with her bs. We get our dots and I mentally groan bc she’s next to me for the vast majority of the show. She is between me (an asthmatic) and my close friend (vvv immunocompromised and also hates her, I’ll call her S) so now I’m more worried about covid going around the section. It was in this time that I find out that at least 5 other people out of 20 also have pre existing conditions that make them susceptible. So now I make it even more my mission to make her wear a mask.

It was in the middle of band camp when she is yet again not wearing a mask (we were just marching without instruments) and I turn to her and as kindly as possible (it was the second time that day) asked her to put on her mask. She once again rolls her eyes and says “ya know, (band director) walked past me 3 times and hasn’t said shit, so I think I’m gonna listen to him and not you.” S and another friend of mine looks over in shock cuz she just talked back to me. They were about to say something but I wove them off. POS wants to fuck with me? Fine. I’ll just go full force with this. She wants petty?? I’ll give her petty, I’ve been holding off all season.

So I’m marching there for the next twenty minutes quietly seething and counting more aggressively. She’s getting annoyed, but I pull the section leader card and tell her that she needs to be counting as loud as I am bc her feet was lowkey off time. After we break off for a gush and go (very short water break), I go straight to my band director and use my limited water break to tell him what she told me. He apologizes and says that he thought she was just taking a breather. He tells her to put on a mask and she does so and glares at me the rest of the rehearsal.

She blocks me on all social media and I obviously clown on her in private with the other section leader (he’s more of a pacifist and never really told her to wear a mask which kinda pissed me off but I understood) until she makes a passing comment to my other friend about using the knife she kept in her boot. Now he tells me cuz he’s a good friend and I’m shitting myself at that point bc holy shit I might get shanked.

I think about telling the band director but I realize that there’s no proof of her saying this and she could easily get out of this so it’s kinda pointless to tell anyone. Plus if she did shank me, she’d get into so much trouble and I’d be laughing at her from my grave/hospital bed.

Many rehearsals go by and she still refuses to wear a mask so after one rehearsal S and I went to the band director and reminded him about our conditions and told him about how we were worried for our safety (I also told him abotu the other vulunerable ppl in the section) and he says he’s gonna do something. Next rehearsal he gives POS a warning and she begrudgingly wears a mask for the rest of the rehearsal. The next rehearsal rolls by and she isn’t wearing a mask (again) and he sends her home. Major victory for S and I.

The next sectional tho was something I wasn’t expecting. I get there like 10 minutes before it starts like I usually do in a good mood. I get out of my car and go to grab my stuff when a massive white truck with a busted muffler pulls up into the parking space next to me with a cloud of black smoke. The window rolls down and reveals POS’s dad and POS herself in the passanger seat.

Of course I’m thinking that this is the day I die and start mentally preparing to yell for help to my other section members 100 feet away on the field already.

Mans starts to lecture me saying things like “it’s unhealthy to wear a mask outside bc it’s like a pitri dish under there. 6th grade science!” (I am not joking or overexaggerating with this, he actually said that). I really wanted to say “well, 7th grade science says otherwise, but you wouldn’t know that bc I’m sure you didn’t pass 6th grade, but go off ig” but I didn’t bc I didn’t want to get shanked or disappear randomly. I just tell him that I am only doing what my band director told me to do and that there are tons of people (myself included) that can really get hurt from just being in contact with covid. He says that’s bullshit and tries to tell me that I’m an idiot before I cut him off by telling him once again that I am just trying to protect my section and that the sectional was going to start soon so I didn’t have the time for this. I walk away leaving him trying to keep talking to me and soon enough POS gets out of the car and follows me to the field giving me a smug smile on her unmasked face before she puts it on when she sees the other section leader stroll up.

Lemme paint the picture for you: this guy (a 6′something burly guy in his 50′s that I know has like two felonies under his belt) pulls up next to me (a 5′2 17 year old ball of anxiety that drives a small yellow car) and starts to borderline yell at me. Traumatizing. I was shaking for the rest of the sectional and I spent the rest of the season looking over my shoulder looking for the glint of a knife swingin at me

Now I’m pretty sure she’s suspended bc she was caught with a knife on school property and she wore a confederate t-shirt to school, but I would be lying if I said I don’t still look over my shoulder or speed up when I drive past her house lmao

#hellion responds #i have so many other stories from marching band that i think yall would like #just ask and i'll supply : )

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ao3gingerswag · 3 years

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Characters! Sam and/or Mary and/or Claire

So I’m not gonna do Mary cause um confession time I have only seen SPN fully thru season 8 and like. Parts of the later seasons, with less and less as time went on….The writing just started to get too all over the place for me. So I know nothing about Mary really.

Sam:

How I feel about this character

Love Sam. Love him love him love him. He doesn’t get enough attention in this fandom he’s so angry and feral in early seasons and I LOVE him for that. I think the writers kinda….lost sight of what they were doing with him post season 5, and especially post season 8, and I think it’s connected to how they framed John and the narrative. Like a lot of Sam’s character in the early seasons is framed around this conflict he has with Dean about whether or not John is a piece of shit and whether they should just follow him blindly. And his complicated hero worship vs pity vs resentment relationship with Dean was a big part of his personality. And then post season 5 they kind of backed off that entire conflict? And so much of Sam’s personality was forgotten. But I still love him tho, he’s so valid, I love his anger in the early seasons at John and in defense of Dean and I think he’s the only reason Dean didn’t end up completely beaten down by his dad.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Eileen/Sam!!!! Eileen is the only one I reeeaaally ship with Sam. A lot of fics (esp before Eileen was introduced) had him with Jess (including mine), and that’s fine, but tbh we never actually got to know Jess soooo don’t have strong feelings. Then with Ruby, she was SUCH a fun character but like, ya know, evil. Like I do actually think she cared about Sam in her own fucked up way but like. They brought out the worst in each other lol. So I’ll pass.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Uhhh Dean obviously lol!!!! In my perfect SPN ending Dean Cas Sam Eileen Jack Claire and maybe their other friends too live together in the bunker forever. Found family baby!!! My asexual ass loves how much Dean and Sam mean to each other and how they seem to take for granted that they will always live together. If only the real world was more like that ;~; But yeah it’s kinda a pet peeve of mine when in Desitiel fics people either just ignore Sam or just kinda have him around but he’s not like. Really around. Like excuse me??? Sam and Dean are Bros 4 Life!!!!

My unpopular opinion about this character

Sam is more interesting than Dean. Like I love Dean and he’s my favorite but Sam is like soooo complicated and so interesting!!! Like this kid who grew up knowing that something was Wrong with him. His hunter upbringing vs society, his desire for normal vs the rest of his family, and then just the Knowledge deep down that something is really Wrong aka the demon blood. And then he has all this anger with nowhere to go, he can see clearer than Dean how fucked up their lives are and how awful John is but he can’t convince Dean bc Dean’s too brainwashed and ack!!! I feel like he has always felt so guilty for going to Stanford and felt so guilty then too bc he knew he was basically abandoning Dean to John, who would just continue to abuse and beat him down. But he Could Not convince Dean to wake up and smell the abuse so he left without him bc what else was he supposed to do??? But he’s still fucked up about it. He’s so interesting. All twisted up inside ;~; I love him!

On a less serious note, another unpopular opinion I guess is that Sam and Cas would def be friends but bc of the boring aspects of their personalities?? Like I’ve seen a lot of stuff about them being besties bc they both r crazy and they ARE but like. I see them bonding over ecological justice and academic articles about ancient Aramaic etymology lol. Like they’d go to the farmers market together!!! They would very earnestly consider together which plants would be best to plant in their garden to help the local bee population!!!! And like Dean is a dork and loves both of them but like. If the three of them got drunk together Sam and Cas would get caught up in a very passionate debate about the benefits/drawbacks of different kinds of green energy and Dean would fall asleep.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

He should have gotten to run John over with his car. Ok but no forreal, I wish he’d had his anger at John validated. This is connected to how I feel about Dean but I wish Dean had explicitly grown past his hero worship of John and understood that he was abusive, and I wish he’d apologized to Sam for defending John throughout their childhoods. That would have been so great for both of them ;~;

Claire:

How I feel about this character

Ohhhh my god ummmm. U know how I said I didn’t watch past season 8 and only saw parts of the later seasons? Yeah um the vast majority of those parts are scenes with Claire in them. Her character has been the thing that came closest to getting me to watch the later seasons. She is So Fucking Cool. Honestly even besides her character, as like a rule I just LOVE it when SPN forces the characters to Actually Confront The Results Of Their Actions for real. Like morally I guess but also just practically like one of my fave episodes is where they get trapped at the bank by the FBI in like season 3 bc like!!!!! Consequences!!! To murdering all over the country!!!! So back to Claire I already just love the idea of having the characters have to Deal With this girl who’s life they fucked up and then forgot about. But then she is SOOO COOOL gay and dramatic and angsty ugh I love how she’s like actually a teen, she acts like a teen, like she rolls her eyes and is overdramatic and shit. Fucking awesome u funky little lesbian.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Kaia/Claire. I don’t know a lot about Kaia but she’s very pretty and seems very sweet. I saw the scene where the two of them compare scars and it was so cute. In other news I have no idea if they’re canon or not I can’t tell lol.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I didn’t watch the later seasons but I love the Claire and Jack content being produced now!! But I also love her relationship with Dean Sam and Cas. They’re very cute with her! :) Love how she seems to reluctantly grow fond of them over time. <3

My unpopular opinion about this character

Unpopular opinion ummm…maybe this is more about Dean but I don’t think Dean would be like happy to help her be a hunter?? Like he hates kid hunters he says that a bunch of times. I think she was on her murder hunting thing when she was filled with rage but I think she could be nudged away from hunting once she stops hating Cas, and I think all the adults but esp Dean would be very pro convincing-Claire-not-to-be-a-hunter.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Ok this prompted me to google if Claire and Kaia were together and I’m still confused. Seems like if they were it wasn’t made that explicit?? So I wish she got to kiss Kaia on screen!!

#asks #character asks #claire novak #sam winchester #this was fun!! sorry for writing an essay tho #i didnt do mary bc i dont know her sorry!

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post-itpenny · 4 years

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Echo

@grotesquegabby in which Alex manages to upset several of my elders at once.

There was a realm hidden between places. One filled with shadows only broken by the thin slivers of light that escaped from the cracks of other worlds. The realm was filled with all manner of objects, mountains of things that seems to be stacked in no particular rhyme or reason unless one was to look closely. The place felt otherwise empty save for the slight sigh of wind and far off drip of water.

Occasionally, something would move.

In one space of this realm there was more light. Soft, glowing lichen cast light over a sitting area that seemed to overlook the domain. Two figures sat speaking in hushed whispers.

One nearly blended into the environment with her hooded cloak only revealing long hair that spilled from it and down to the floor. The other stood out with her bright red hair and soft feathers that reflected the bluish light.

They had struck up a bit of a friendship recently, something the redhead was grateful for.

Especially considering the meeting that was about to take place.

Lethe spoke in hushed whispers and sighs, “If you must know the secret is not that Canis disproves of you as much that he is hurt by the loss of Bridgette. They trusted each other and had the closest either could come to friendship”

Maggie shrugged, “I mean that doesn’t seem much a secret,” she whispered back as speaking too loudly almost felt taboo in this place. “I know he judges that I’m not her…. Were they?... you know…”

Though she could not see it, Maggie swore Lethe was grinning. “Lovers? That business is between them.”

“And you.”

Lethe chuckled, “as all secrets, as all unsaid things.”

“So you know everything then?”

“No, I know whispers and lost promises, unsaid things. Forgotten things, I knew who you were when you could not remember yourself for example.”

Maggie paused, absorbing the information before opening her mouth wide for a breath to steady herself for her next question.

“Can you tell me-”

“Yes I can. I will tell you about all three of them and her parents. But let it wait for another time, I have a new guest.”

As Lethe spoke there was the feeling of rushing wind and a giggle. The Jackal tumbled into the space like a bowling ball before rolling to the other elder’s feet.

“Ta-Da!” He cheered in a shrill whisper.

Both Maggie and Lethe clapped quietly.

“Why do you encourage him?”

Canis Major merely walked into existence with the billow of his long jacket. An eyebrow arched at the smaller elder’s antics. Behind him came Adeline who had to pause as her antlers became tangled in some low-hanging Christmas lights.

Canis gave a short bow to Lethe before turning to Maggie, seeming to pause for a moment before deciding to give a nod of his head.

Maggie sighed, it was a start.

Canis strode about the space with an air of confidence before stopping at a rusted and old railing at the edge of the platform. The soft glow of lichen illuminating a pool of water below.

“So,” he began in a low but audible voice, “shall we go ahead and get to the matter at hand?”

Lethe shoos her head, “My thanks to all of you for coming at such short notice, however we still must wait for the new Lady of Creation.

The Jackal has scampered to his feet and found a small tower of lost cushions and pillows to balance himself on. He nodded at Lethe’s words as he wiggled in his newfound seat for maximum comfort. “True, true. Her doing and all even if she is late.”

“Sorry!”

Magpie entered the places with a loud clamor of sound and a strange amount of glitter, and she had dragged someone along.”

“YOOOOO!” Alex greeted with a shout as Magpie dragged him along. The two laughed as they ran while Lethe visibly flinched at the racket.

Magpie caught sight of this and stumbled to a halt.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry!” She apologized in a loud whisper. “Alex wanted plan a congrats party and we were brainstorming but then next thing you know a glitter bomb goes off which was fantastic but-“

As Magpie rambled our her excuse Alex stepped over to Jackal for a high-five. Canis and Lethe turning to Maggie in confusion, did she know this would happen?

Maggie gave an apologetic smile, yes she did know. But she didn’t stop Magpie from bringing Alex for a reason.

Magpie politely introduced herself to Canis while Alex looked around the towers of lost items with a whistle.

“This is a space of solace young man.” Canis grimaced.

Alex turned to him with a grin, “hey whatsup dog? Been a while since that time with the boombox-“

“I am not a dog,” Canis interrupted. “And that infernal noisemaker is still wandering my halls thanks to you.”

At this point Adeline has freed herself and quickly made her way over to give Magpie a deep hug and clap a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “It’s good to see you both,” she greeted with a warm but firm whisper. “But no nonsense,” she ordered while pointing at the two.

“May we please begin since all are here,” Lethe interjected. She stepped over to a low shelf that jutted from a wall where several glass objects were stacked. One of them Magpie recognizing immediately.

Lethe brought the snow globe before the others. Inside a tiny carnival was depicted with little pinpricks of lights and what appeared to be a working Ferris wheel.

“I have not seen movement inside for some time,” Lethe noted, “but I wonder if perhaps he is just hiding.”

Magpie placed a hand over over the globe, eyes closed.

“Hmm, he’s definitely alive, perhaps he is hiding.”

Lethe nodded before passing the snow globe to Canis for inspection. Magpie sat down beside Maggie placing a hand over her growing baby bump with a look of pride for her former ward. Alex sat on Magpie’s other side with a grin. “Hey Red, congrats on the little eldritch horror and all.” He then paused to tilt his glasses and give a wink, “offer still stands when the baby stuff chills out.”

Maggie turned bright red as Magpie looked back and forth between the two in confusion.

“What off-“

Alex chuckled with a wave of his hand, “nothing really Pie. Billy Boy and I go way back that’s all.”

Maggie looked away to hide her annoyance, there was no way she was about to deal with this right now.

Canis has finished his inspection of the snow globe and returned the item to Lethe. “He is alive but human, rather interesting choice.”

Magpie nodded, “I suppose I just wanted him to feel…. small.”

She trailed off as she properly looked about the realm for the first time. Seeming to shrink a little herself in her seat.

Alex laughed as he peered into the little glass globe. “Oh man Pie this thing is tight! Look at the little bumper cars an everything!”

From across the room Lethe have a deep sigh as a wave of dread washed over the room. The anticipation that something bad was about to happen hanging heavy on their shoulders. Lethe’s shining eyes flared at Alex from the depths of her hood as he gave a mock salute that the message was received. At once the wave of dread rolled back leaving Maggie, Alex, and Adeline with the sudden understanding of just where Magpie’s power of luck came from.

The meeting was to discuss what exactly to do with Blackwood’s snow globe. Lethe was happy to hold on to it however Canis argued it may be wise to bring the former elder before the other’s for judgment. As the two went back and forth Magpie seemed to grow more and more uncomfortable. Fidgeting in her seat as Alex became aware of a distant ghostly sound of rattling chains.

Magpie felt her nails digging into her own palms as her tried to focus in on the conversation. Out of the corner of her eye Alex began making strange movements with her hands. She knew he was speaking with her but she didn’t understand. During her time away most of the languages Magpie knew had died out. Sign language was still a newer idea to her.

Magpie made the mistake of looking up. Eyes squeezing shut at the vast darkness above. She jumped a little as Alex took her hand to give a tight squeeze. Slipping a piece of candy into her fingers.

Magpie looked down at the confection and smiled in gratitude as she unwrapped it. Pausing when she realized there was a message scribbled on the wrapper.

“U good P?”

With a tiny “pop!” A pen appeared in Magpie’s hand to write a response. How could she explain how cold and dark it was here. Too much like her old prison?

“No,” was all she wrote.

Alex leaned back to look to Maggie, who in turn gave a nod. This was why she was ok with Alex coming.

“Perhaps it is best to inform the others but not give the location of the globe.” Adeline suggested, “for safety reasons.”

Canis nodded, “I see your concern however-“

“To the left!”

Canis whipped his head around at the sudden noise only to find Alex at the platform railing shouting to the darkness that was happy to echo back.

“Take it back now y’all!”

“One hop this time!”

Alex hopped forward as hard as he could. Lethe flinching at the noise.

“Cha-cha real smooth!”

And this Alex began to shimmy around. Magpie unable to contain herself as she broke out into laughter that echoed around the space brightly.

Lethe seemed beside herself in a semi-fit as Adeline orde do both of them to leave. Maggie sighing in relief as they did. She knew Lethe would be just fine and Magpie wouldn’t have to hear the question that was to be asked next-

“Will Blackwood ever new able to get out?”

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smokeybrandreviews · 4 years

Text

Cheeseburgers

The Infinity Saga is over. The MCU is moving forward into uncharted waters. Disney+ has pushed back certain shows and moved up WandaVision. Black Widow finally has a well deserved movie, postmortem. The future is wide open but, before we get on a brand new pain train, i wanted to take a look back and talk about some of my favorite movies from the first eleven years of the MCU.

Avengers: Infinity War

This movie, man, is probably peak MCU. There are better films in the series but you’ll be hard-pressed to find a film that walks the line of comic book and cinema to deftly. This is the penultimate tale for that first decade and what a f*cking climax it was. Holy sh*t! There was just so much good in this film, from character development to visual flair to legitimate stakes. I’m a massive Marvel fan and i am well aware of the Infinite Gauntlet saga in the comics but seeing this sh*t? Seeing Thanos actually Snap? I never though in a million years that would happen onscreen. And then it did. It was at that point i absolutely knew the MCU was about that life. I knew to expect the unexpected because , with the wealth of the Marvel universe to draw from, they were going to craft some motherf*ckers of stories.

Like, I f*cking cried when Pete got dusted. I shed legitimate tears and I’m not even embarrassed to say it out loud. For a film to move me like that? and it’s not Forrest Gump? Motherf*cker had to be on point, for sure. The entire theater was silent as those strings hummed and Thanos sat on his farm, smiling contently. I had never experienced that before The entire auditorium - completely silent. We were in disbelief. We were in mourning. I saw Infinity War in theaters four times and literally every time, the same thing happened. In two hours and some change, Marvel had gave a theater full of people straight emotional trauma. Your movie has to be absolutely on point for that to occur.

Speaking of Thanos, yo, how was this big ass purple grimace looking motherf*cker one of the best antagonists of film, period? How was this cat written so well? I lost my sh*t when they teased him at the end of Avengers and that little bit we got of him in Guardians was cool but i was not prepared for how goddamn formidable he turned out to be. Josh Brolin brought this character to life but the writing gave me real agency. I was flabbergasted by how great this character turned out to be. Thanos felt real. He felt flawed. He felt legitimate. Id have to put him up there with The Dark Knight Joker and Hans Landa as one of the best antagonists ever.

Spider-Man: Homecoming

I adore Spider-Man. Ive written at length about that love. He’s the reason i even picked up that Marvel comic all those years ago. I’ve seen every cinematic iteration of Webhead and i mst say, this portrayal is the truest to the source material i have ever seen. Cats get on the MCU about making him Tony Stark jr. but most people don’t understand that’s where he was going anyway. Most people don’t know that, in the comics, he’s basically Reed Richards jr. and since the MCU has no Reed, Tony is a pretty smart substitute. But that argument is inconsequential because the core of who Spider-Man is, the actual spirit of the character, has been captured so perfectly by this version of Pete, it’s borderline miraculous. I love Tobey McGuire’s take in Pete because he was the first to do it. Kind of like how i have such nostalgia for the 89 Batman. That version of Spider-Man felt like the old Lee/Ditko version from the 60s. Andrew Garfield was adequate. He didn’t get a fair shake though, mostly barbecue the writing in his run was so goddamn terrible. But this new kid? This casting was as perfect as RDJ was to Iron Man.

Tom Holland kills it as Spider-Man. His version of the character feels right. It feels modern. It feels like Ultimate Pete but grounded in the spirit of the 90s cartoon version. He’s this massive geek, this kid really, granted power in tragedy and it feels so goddamn authentic, i couldn’t believe it. The second he showed u in Civil War, i absolutely knew Underoos was about to be a star in these films and that is saying a lot considering how loaded this cast has become. Homecoming was the first film we got to see Pete stretch his legs and it was f*cking brilliant. Everything about this movie is what a great Spider-Flick should be and the MCU nailed it! if i never got another Spidey appearance, this movie was more than enough to sate my appetite. Homecoming is my second favorite MCU movie. I loved every second of it!

Also, how about that Aunt May stinger, though?

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Look, i love the Dark Knight. For me, that is the pinnacle of a capeflick. That movie was a great crime thriller first, a Batflick second. Nolan approached it with a grounded sense of reality that left you, as an audience, breathless. It is one of the best films i have ever seen in my entire life and Ledger gave one of the most brilliant performances ever captured on celluloid. There is nothing as good as that film in the MCU. The Winter Soldier comes f*cking close, though. This movie made me sit up and realize that the MCU had some teeth. Until this thing came out, i thought we were going to get a bunch of flamboyant costumes and snarky Wedonisms. I wasn’t mad, mind you, Avengers was dope, but Winter Soldier took all that campy bullsh*t out back and murdered it. This movie was the MCU growing up and almost everything afterward has been brilliant. The Winter Soldier forced everyone to step their game up with how goddamn brilliant it turned out to be. I can’t say there were any performances as great as Ledger’s Joker but i can make the argument the overall writing was better than The Dark Knight, and that is stupid high praise.

Guardians of the Galaxy

This film has no right to be as good as it is. I went into this thing on a whim, mostly because I thought it was going ti be filler like Ant-Man or something, and then it wasn’t. It was great. Legitimately great. I had no idea the MCU could take a C-rate team like the goddamn Guardians and uplift them so beautifully. James Gunn took those characters and wrote the best Star Wars film since f*cking Empire and I didn’t think that was possible, not with this wayward branch of Marvel History. Seriously, if you do even a minuscule amount of research on who the Guardians are, they’re a joke. I mean, they have a f*cking talking Raccoon on the team! Gunn had the wherewithal to lean into that and he produced one of the best in the entire MCU. He took these loser clowns and injected so much emotion and humanity into them, you couldn’t help but love their rag-tag asses. This was the first MCU movie to move me to tears. That stuff about Quills mom? I felt that. Both times. On an extremely personal level. I was the young Quill. I watched my grandma, the only person who i believe loved me unconditionally up to that point, die just like Quill’s mom; Cancer and everything. I was about his age when it happened, too. That sh*t f*cked me up. To this day, i have nightmares about it. Seeing that sh*t so accurately captured in a capeflick was the most for me and I legit had to leave the theater until the first part of the movie passed. To this day, i can’t watch that scene. I can just barely make it through the Dance of to Save Th Universe, but that opening gambit? No way. It hits way too close to home for me. Still, for a comic book movie to solicit such a response? It has to be special and Guardians is one of the best.

Iron Man

Boy, we’ve come a long way since Tony Stark uttered those fateful word, “I am Iron Man.” But none of these other films would even have the opportunity to exist if he hadn't said them. Iron Man had the tall order of being the first, proper, MCU film AND compete with The Dark Knight. N one thought a film about B-List superhero, narcissistic billionaire, and straight up lush, Tony Stark, would amount to anything. How wrong everyone turned out to be. I knew, from that second i saw the teaser and concept art by Adi Granov, that Marvel was taking this sh*t crazy serious. Then there’s the casting of Robert Downey Jr. That sh*t was a boon, for real. The entire cast of this first film was impeccable but RDJ makes this movie. He IS Tony Stark. Even before he got comfortable with the character like in the later films, fresh out the box with the scripts, you can tell he knows how to bring this tinkerer to life. You had to nail that aspect in order to have any chance to build something great and Marvel hit a goddamn bullseyes, for sure. Revisiting this flick, Iron Man isn’t as good as the later films in the Infinity Saga but it still holds up against the vast majority of entries and that’s saying something.

I love these films, man. As a geek growing up reading these stories, reenacting them with their action figures, sitting glued to the television every Saturday as their cartoons aired, I never imagined id see such a berth of fantastic media brought to life on the silver screen. Seriously, some of my favorite interpretations of these characters appear exclusive in the MCU. War Machine, Thor until recently, Ant-Man, f*cking Hulk? i never gave these assholes the time of day in the comics but in the MCU? They’re fantastic! And it has everything to do with how well written they are in-universe. There are over twenty films in this run an i love all of them to varying extents. Spider-Man: Far From Home, Black Panther, Captain America: Civil War, Avengers: Endgame, Thor: Ragnarok, and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 all could have made this list. For sure, they’re 6 - 11 or whatever, but that speaks to the sheer depth of the MCU. I’m not even counting flicks i would consider B-tier like Captain Marvel or Avengers or Iron Man 3 or Doctor Strange; All of which are still dope in their own right.

There is just SO much great in these films and i can’t wait to see where we go next. With Disney acquiring Fox, Marvel finally has the full toy box to play with and i am absolutely a tizzy with the potential arcs they can adapt. Secret Wars? Annihilation? Age of Apocalypse? Avengers Disassembled? Dark Reign? F*cking Onslaught?? I have no idea where we are going but i am, for sure, jumping on this pain train once again.

#Marvel #MCU #Infinity Saga

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smokeybrand · 4 years

Text

Cheeseburgers

Avengers: Infinity War

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Also, how about that Aunt May stinger, though?

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Guardians of the Galaxy

Iron Man

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writerman · 5 years

Note

idk if u still take barduil prompts but if you do! here’s one: person A is the first person to pray to a particular god/spirit/whatever in a few hundred years, so the god/spirit(person B) shows up to personally answer the prayer and then refuses to leave until the prayer is answered in full - bonus points if person B figures out texting (A sets out an offering of wine as part of their deal with B and gets a text from an unknown # complaining about the vintage) also extra bonus for use of emojis

I AM ETERNALLY SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. IT’S JUST I GOT CARRIED AWAY AND IT GOT VEEERY LONG AND OTHER STUFF HAPPENED.

ANY WAY....

Just to confirm how long this is... It’s a 10k prompts response and I honestly hope you enjoy it.

------------

Bard tossed the letter onto the countertop a sour look on his face as he did so.

He wasn’t sure if he could handle any further rejection, with the growing pile of letters from failed applications mocking him as they lay innocently on the countertop in the tiny kitchen; just what would it take to turn things around?

If it wasn’t jobs it was people, Bard couldn’t seem to catch a break when it came to dating either… though recently he hadn’t really tried. His ego could only take so much before he learned the lesson of humility and just gave up.

The cosmos was clearly working against him, and if any deities existed, well, they absolutely had it in for him.

With a bank account almost always in the red and his love life being the punchline to his joke of a life, Bard was finding it hard to get out of bed in a morning.

Thankfully, though he really did not feel good about the situation, his money woes were only something he had to contend with. His children were well taken care of with their mother, and while he would have been overjoyed to have had them live with him after the divorce, it just wasn’t feasible.

The reality was that he just could not afford to take care of the kids on the meagre salary he was on, a delivery driver for a pizza place was nothing to brag about and the majority of the time Bard found himself being the oldest one delivering pizzas, a blow to his already low self-esteem.

While he knew he could survive (just) on packet noodles, coffee and the odd free pizza here and there, he knew his children couldn’t, and while they would have thought it was fantastic, Bard could never allow it to be their reality.

With these thoughts still swirling in his mind, Bard grabbed up his keys and, with what little cash he had, left the house for the day. The sunshine beating down on the pavement lifted his spirits already and with the sound of the city as his music he headed toward the park.

Getting out would do him wonders, it was better than sitting around moping in the tiny apartment using utilities he could scarcely afford. At least out in the city he had more chances of bumping into friends or even the future Mrs Bowman… who knew?!

The city park was the perfect place to be in the summer, people spent their entire weekend there walking with their dogs, rowing on the lake or just sitting in the sun chatting idly with friends and family. It eased Bard’s worry to see the residents of the city out delighting in the summer days, it was likely they all had their own concerns- but out in the sun, the world seemed more carefree worries were pushed to the back of minds in favour of gossip and jokes.

At first, he had planned to take the route around the lake, but the sheer amount of people crowding on the banks and walkways had him take a left turn into the wooded area instead.

Bard and the kids had walked these paths many times, sometimes going off the trails in hopes of finding an undiscovered area- much to the children’s displeasure, they never found anything new. Sometimes the odd squirrel but nothing to write home about.

So engrossed in thoughts of his children and their time together it took Bard quite some time to realise he was now on a very unfamiliar trail, and for a good 30 minutes or so had not passed a single soul nor could he now hear the sounds of the park behind him.

For a moment he did consider turning back, the sun now barely filtered through the tree canopy high above his head, the shade was chilly. Logic kicked in not seconds later, and he pushed on, after all, this was just a seemingly tame adventure. He was in the park the only thing that could happen to him would be that he’d get locked in at night and sleeping in the park in summer didn’t seem all that bad.

What he stumbled upon next was startling.

The dense trees broke, and Bard stepped into the clearing before him. There stood tall and proud towering above him and past the tree line was a temple.

He couldn’t recall right then if he’d ever noticed a building in the park like this one before. Though the pristine white stone and dark curling ivy over the columns would be hard to miss.

The entire place was fascinating already from the outside! All this before he'd even stepped inside, without hesitation, he hurried up the steps to an intricately decorated archway and pushed aside the leafy tendrils of ivy over the entryway and walked in.

He was greeted with the sight of hundreds of lit white candles dotted about the room some nearly completely melted while others looked as though just freshly lit and yet, so far, there didn’t seem to be anyone else around.

His eyes roamed the room taking in more and more as his eyes adjusted to the gloom. There may have been candles but the place was so intensely dark, even the light they gave off seemed to be sucked into the darkness. There was a stone platform at the back covered in fresh cut flowers, and more candles, and as he moved toward it he noticed coins glittering under the golden light of the flames.

He faltered for a moment and wondered if he was trespassing during a sacred moment.

Nothing made a sound as Bard stood waiting and listening for any minute sound that may give away there was someone with him. After a moment or two of silence, Bard figured he was alone and proceeded to wander over to the platform.

It was set up more like a stage, there were 3 stone steps up to the platform itself and there were 4 exposed beams set up in a square above it, a golden hand censer hung above swaying lightly while incense smoke poured from it, though Bard felt inexplicable terror at the fact the thing was swinging in a non-existent breeze.

One of the steps had a brass plaque set into the stone, not unlike some points of interest that cities often had to commemorate a moment in history.

This one simply said:

State your wish.

A deep hearts desire.

Symbolise your worship.

A gift of thanks.

Pray to this God.

Or Beg.

Ominous.

Though it took no time for Bard to realise that this was all very likely a tourist trap rather than an actual temple built to praise an ancient God. Even if it was all awe-inspiring, it seemed a waste as there did not appear to be many visiting.

Still, he couldn’t deny that the place was beautiful and he surveyed the room again. It wasn’t huge, absolutely not big enough for any sort of Sunday congregation, so he assumed it was something more in line with Pagan worship. His eyes drifted up towards the ceiling, there were long thin stained glass windows high above him letting in very little light, though with what sun that managed to shine through he could see scenes depicted as just like any place of worship he had seen before- well more reminiscent of Christian places of worship but still…

Oddly enough, he didn’t recognise the scenes, nor the Gods or people immortalised in the striking colours above him- but then he wasn’t well read on any one religion, and to some, it could have been ridiculously obvious who and what this was all about.

Regardless, the glass was beautiful, and Bard found himself staring up at a blue-eyed gaze for quite some time- such an engaging face for something created out of glass and metallic salts.

“Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to humour whoever built this and say a prayer. My life can’t get any worse.” His voice was a whisper, this whole place filled him with a trembling sort of dread as though his soul knew something he did not and a shudder shook through him.

An offering, if he wanted the God to even consider his words Bard would need to leave an offering of some sort. There were plenty of flowers already-- he didn’t really have anything that could be classed as an offering, after all, who came out for the day prepared to leave a gift to an ancient God?

Digging around in his pockets he found the spare change he’d left with that morning, it wasn’t much, but surely it was something. Something was always better than nothing… sometimes.

Without any further hesitation, Bard moved away from the steps back toward the platform itself, he dropped the coins onto the dusty stone before him.

The clattering sound of metal on stone echoed around the room. Bard jolted back at the jarring sound as it broke the reverent silence of the temple, his body tense as he waited as though the noise could wake the God and it would appear terrible and wrathful before him.

Nothing happened.

Candles flickered around him as he moved away from the offering stone, his eyes moved to the stained glass momentarily before his gaze shifted to the walls- ah! Another plaque- this one was set into the wall adjacent to the platform.

Bard navigated his way through the candles until he was close enough to read the sign.

Temple of the Forest Guardian.

Thranduil the Benevolent.

God of the Greenwood and protector of all within his realm.

The sole ruler of the vast and beautiful forest known as the Greenwood. Thranduil lived to serve and protect his people and all manner of living creatures that resided within his realm.

So well loved was he that upon his death the Gods of his people gifted him with eternal life and a magic to ease the suffering of many. When he awoke his people were overjoyed, and they lived for many years in the peaceful land.

Over time the numbers of his people dwindled this left the God to care for the forests alone with nought to speak with, only that which could not speak in return.

How many times had Bard read a story like this?

“Still a lonely life for a God- having eternal life and watching your people die from old age…” It was horrible and would drive anyone mad with grief.

It was only then that Bard realised how cold it was despite the myriad of candles that haloed him in a golden light. While shivering, Bard made the decision to offer a prayer and a wish- like his earlier thoughts, there was nothing more he could lose from trying.

Back at the platform Bard arranged the coins taking care not to touch the stone itself, he felt as though it was only polite not to touch anything that did not belong to him.

With a deep breath, he stood tall and uttered a prayer in an awe-filled whisper.

“Guardian of the forest, here my words… uh… I gave an offering so that you might not be lonely, I wish the same for myself. Help me find the right path and lead me to love and wealth. Thank you.” It was startling how right it felt to say such things, and how little embarrassment he experienced as he spoke. His wish had been for love and, but honestly, he just wanted someone there with him.

His divorce had been, thankfully, smooth and relatively pain-free aside from having to come to terms with the fact his wife wanted a quick divorce so she could marry another.

There were no ill feelings for his wife in Bard’s heart, he did not want to stand in the way of love and what they had was true love. It was just that he was now alone and at that moment he was painfully aware of it, growing up and getting married was what he wanted and not once had he ever imagined being prepared to lose that- you cannot prepare yourself for that.

He remained in the dark temple for some time lost in thought letting the incense soak into his clothes and letting the candles bathe him in their light- it was such a beautiful place, but he had to leave.

The light of the day would fade eventually and navigating through the dark woodland with only a phone light was not on his list of fun ideas for the summer. Secretly, he admitted to himself that wandering through the woods at night scared him, the sound of twigs snapping metres behind him when he had been sure he was alone just screamed horror movie.

With that thought in mind, Bard pushed himself to leave and stepped back into the clearing, the sun still fought to break through the canopy above him and Bard had to shield his eyes as he glanced up noting the sun was still high in the sky.

Birds sang from tree branches, the chorus a sweet and beautiful sound but jarring after the silence of the temple. His senses were overwhelmed by the outside world, so he took a minute to collect himself.

The rest of his day went by without incident, he headed out to his delivery job later that evening and eventually fell into bed just after midnight irritated by what life threw at him.

---------------------

It was the smell of coffee that woke him later that morning. The alluring aroma forced him to open his eyes, he was greeted with the white ceiling of his bedroom above him.

Imaging the taste of coffee helped him fight off the last vestiges of sleep as he sat up stretching out his back to ease the ache of having a terrible and cheap mattress.

It was odd though, Bard didn’t remember buying any coffee recently- he was fresh out of cash for that luxury because like an idiot he left it at that tourist trap temple the day before.

Whoever had made coffee in his apartment- THERE WAS SOMEONE IN HIS APARTMENT!

Bard shot out of bed and bolted down the hall to the kitchen, he skidded to a halt at the threshold and stared at the stranger who was stood holding a Starbucks cup looking decidedly unimpressed by his surroundings.

In a split second their eyes were on Bard, and the cup was offered out to him.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

They didn’t speak Bard took this opportunity to try and organise his thoughts into some semblance of coherent, it wasn’t going well. A strange man was stood in his kitchen offering him coffee, a strange man with startling bright eyes and white blond hair… a strange, and handsome man.

Realising that he was staring openly at the trespasser, Bard lowered his eyes but not before he caught the blond smirking at him. Anger finally boiled up along with the courage to speak and look at the stranger, however as he opened his mouth he was instantly cut off as the home invader spoke.

“Pitiful offering for this day and age but it was enough to buy a mocha if you want it?” Bard hadn’t expected the man’s voice to be so deep and smooth. So taken aback by the sound of it he momentarily forgot his anger and stood wide-eyed and if not a little bit stirred up.

“Who the Hell are you and how did you even get in here?!” He’d found his voice again, though it was difficult not to shriek and in stifling such his words came out weirdly garbled all the while he stayed rooted to the spot by the kitchen door that led back into the hallway.

An escape route?

“They always ask how I got in and not why I came in the first place. Honestly, humans never change. I do not know why I assume they ever will…” The blond spoke quietly as though speaking to another out of view.

Bard hoped with all that he was that there was no other there and that he was not outnumbered.

The odd way he spoke, referring to people as humans- what did he mean by that?

The stranger offered out the coffee again slowly tilting from left to right as though trying to coax a small animal from a hole. Bard frowned, and yet he stepped further into the kitchen and took the still warm cup.

Every instinct within him screamed for him not to drink from the cup, his last act of self-preservation failed, and he took a sip. It was what the man had said it’d be… a mocha from Starbucks.

This seemed to please the stranger as he moved from behind the counter that had once separated them. Bard watched wearily as the last barrier between them was removed. He was approached by the blond though he didn’t appreciate having to look up a little, so they were, somewhat, eye to eye.

Bard reflexively took a step back.

“Allow me to introduce myself as you seem worryingly unaware of who I am.”

“You’re a madman that broke into my house to give me coffee.”

The snappy response from Bard left the other laughing aloud and beamed down at the burnet as though he was the sun and Bard felt a blush creep up his neck.

Beautiful laugh, beautiful hair, beautiful eyes… urgh.

Pushing aside such thoughts Bard ignored the panic rising in his chest and continued to challenge the man by looking him in the eye unflinchingly.

“Well, you were the one that invited me to help you. You invited me in and asked me to help you with your wish, did you not?”

Silence fell around them as Bard let those words sink in, oh how smug they sounded, his stomach felt like ice… was this the God he had prayed to yesterday?

“Are you…. Thranduil?” No, he couldn’t be because Gods were not real and that temple was just a joke for park-goers to enjoy ‘discovering’ while out with their kids!

“Guardian of the forest and all within it, a pleasure to meet you, Bard.” That velvety tone again- wait, how long had he been in his apartment if he had had time to snoop around and find out his name?!

If he was a God, he didn’t need to check someone’s mail to know their name. Bard felt as though his legs would give away without a seconds notice as he tried in vain to make sense of anything that was happening.

“Shall we speak on why I am here?” Thranduil asked gently he put a hand to Bard’s shoulder and steered him to a chair at the tiny dining area in his kitchen and made him sit down. “You asked me to help you, you’re looking for wealth and love- but ah, before I forget, I must thank you that regardless of your wish you included me in your thoughts. While it does feel as though your thought was born from pity, I shall not look a gift horse in the mouth or whatever the saying is…” He trailed off and watched as Bard silently assessed his situation; there was a far off look in his eyes, and Thranduil found him strangely charming.

Meanwhile, Bard was using the power of repression to stomp down the gay panic that was steadily rising every time Thranduil spoke to him. It took a lot for him to steady his racing thoughts, and for a moment Bard believed he could very well still be dreaming; if it hadn’t been for the warmth of the drink still in his hand, he could have believed he was still sleeping soundly in his awful bed.

“I-if you’re that Thranduil guy, aren’t you unable to leave the forest, how are you here?” It had just slipped out and Bard he was quite surprised at himself for remembering such a small detail.

“I appear ready to grant you your heart's desire and you come out with this?!” Thranduil sounded tired as he spoke and just a little bit unimpressed at the question, and yet, with an overly dramatic flourish the God produced a map from thin air and spread it out over the table and gestured for Bard to lean in to get a better look.

He pointed a long pale finger at a spot on the map at the edge of what should have been the city park and gave Bard a pointed look.

“My temple, you see there in that large area of greenery?” His tone sounding incredibly patronising as his finger pressed harder at the spot on the map, he was definitely a little peeved with Bard but he kind of had right too.

Bard studiously forgot that the map had literally just appeared from nothing in front of his very eyes and instead looked at the spot with a nod- he had to avoid Thranduil’s pale blue gaze… there was something so otherworldly about it as though he had seen everything and had to endure it in silence for eternity.

It was frightening and thrilling all at once. Inwardly his mind was yelling for him to leg it out of the door and not look back until he was far, far away and yet he remained in his seat.

“Great, now can you see this point on the map that is the forest, so much forest you can scarcely comprehend it, that is your house. So, now you can ask me how I am here.”

Bard had the decency to look sheepish before he spoke eyes still on the map.

“You never left the forest, even if the trees are no longer there it would still be your forest, right?” He felt awful because humans were definitely the reason the once vast forest was now stuffed into the corner of a city park and fenced in wrought iron. “Sorry…” He mumbled.

For a split second Thranduil looked genuinely touched at Bard’s apology though it didn’t last long and his expression turned grim as he turned to look back down at the map. It was a long time before he spoke again and when he did his voice was quiet and impossibly sad.

“I don’t know how you found the temple… I had thought it was hidden away well enough that humans would pass right by it and it would remain unseen, I know that defeats the object of helping others, but when those people want power, and I gave it, I found my forest getting smaller and smaller.

In the end, I sealed away the temple to save the forest, to protect it and yet… somehow you found it and, well, I am glad you did.” He said nothing more and the map faded into nothingness while Bard sipped his drink and Thranduil stared at the table top.

“You’re glad I came and dropped some pocket change in offering and asked for romance?” It truly sounded funny when put like that and Thranduil smiled to himself before he huffed out a quiet laugh.

“You’re the first person is a long time who came in gave an offering, made your wish and didn’t touch anything. You took in the room and appreciated it before leaving.”

“You like to keep things simple, I see.”

“Well, when you get to be as old as I am you enjoy things being simple, you know; quiet worship, incense… Starbucks.”

“So why did you buy me coffee, the offering was for you, this should be your drink.” Bard set the near-empty cup down on the table and watched as Thranduil gestured to a trash can, another cup lay innocently on top of a badly folded up pizza box.

“I had other stops on my way before I got to you. Plus, I thought it would help in getting you to trust me if I came bearing a gift of coffee, human’s love this stuff early in the morning and you seem to be of no exception to this observation.”

Well, that was fair, it was true. Bard craved coffee all the time it was clearly an addiction, but this one was, for some reason, socially acceptable.

He offered Thranduil a shrug as if to say ‘I don’t know what to tell you.’.

“Anyhow, we’re deviating from the actual reason I am here. As the God Thranduil, I am here to grant your wishes and your desires.” If he had been expecting whoops of adoration from someone he was in for a shock, however, Bard couldn’t say he wasn’t impressed by the man. He was also horrified at how easily he had accepted that this man was a God with just some sleight of hand magic anyone could do.

Bard found him genuinely charming, he was well spoken and transparent in his reasoning for certain actions and open about his past, there was the coffee too, that helped a lot. If this had been a first date, Bard would be smitten - a date with a woman! NOT a man… no not a man- not this man.

With a jerky motion, Bard slapped his hand to his chest over his frantically beating heart and took a deep breath hoping to calm himself down.

“So, you’re going to help me find a girlfriend?”

“Or boyfriend.” Came the pointed reply.

Bard flushed nearly scarlet. “Ah, no, just girlfriend.”

“I see, so you cannot look me in the eye because…?”

“I wished for a girlfriend, so I get a girlfriend.”

“Actually, you wished for romance. Just so you know, I cannot make people fall in love with you, I can set you up in an ideal situation to meet someone, this does not necessarily mean it would be a woman…” Thranduil offered the burnet an innocent smile and shrugged though it didn’t seem to calm the other down. “Well, this seems like a touchy subject so let us move on, and we can have a chat about wealth. This is easily done, but some specifics on how you would like it to happen would be welcome. A mysterious windfall cannot just be explained away by saying you were lucky enough to win the lottery. It also depends on how rich you want to be.”

“That’s the thing,” Bard exclaimed as he turned in his seat, so he was fully facing the God. “I don’t want to be a millionaire or anything. I want a job that pays well enough for me to get out of this apartment and enough so that the courts will allow me to see my kids for more than a few hours a week.” His emotions were seesawing from one to another, the excitement building in him was tempered by nerves and just how this man was going to help him pull this off without causing a stir.

“The thing I want more than anything is to be a teacher, to use my degree in art and history and help kids learn. I know it seems strange to say I want to teach and not be in a teaching job with all the listing- there's a bloody outcry for teachers, but I just can’t catch a break my interviews are always awful- urgh, that’s only if I actually get one!”

Thranduil was stunned at just how alive Bard became when he spoke about teaching when he spoke about living his life. This man wanted to get out of a rut and give something to the world, even if it was small he wanted to educate people and people with a good education could change the world.

This man inadvertently told him he wanted to change the world.

“I can help you with that; get you set up with a nice private school job or just any teaching job and who knows, you could end up meeting someone there.” It was easy for Bard to accept Thranduil’s words as he was saying everything he wanted to hear, that and he was happy just to have someone that wanted to help even if nothing came of it.

The phone on the countertop began ringing and Bard dove across the room grabbing the receiver from the cradle; when he looked back, Thranduil had gone leaving no sign he had ever been there besides the Starbucks cups.

----------------

His ex-wife had called explaining that Sigrid was unwell, too unwell to go to school and she needed someone to take care of her while everyone was out at work. Bard readily agreed and headed over as soon as the call ended.

On the drive over he had time to think on all that had happened that morning, how his life could change for the better. Also, how he had to do some soul searching and some internet research because the feelings that beautiful God stirred up could not be contained and Bard did not like it one bit.

He would leave things be for now. There were more precious issues to deal with like his sick daughter and the time he would get to spend with her that day.

Sigrid crawled into the back of the car in her pyjamas wrapped in a blanket she brought from her room. Bard felt awful for her, she was pale and sluggish barely able to keep her eyes open as she greeted him before lying over the back seat.

Driving home was slow going but when they did get to the apartment Bard set Sigrid up on the sofa and propped her up with pillows and wrapped her up in another blanket. Keeping her warm was a priority now he had to try and get her to eat.

She had already dozed off so Bard took the opportunity to pop out and grab a can of chicken noodle soup, it had always been her favourite when she was sick and he hoped it would still be her favourite so that he could entice her to eat.

When he returned to the apartment can of soup in hand he paused in the hall, there was a familiar voice coming from the lounge, a very deep and velvety voice that Bard had grown accustomed to all too quickly.

Sticking his head around the door he found Thranduil sat on the floor by the sofa reading to Sigrid, her attention solely on him as he read aloud from a book of old fairy stories Bard had kept from when she was small.

Bard knew he should have been furious that Thranduil had broken into his home again but he could see Sigrid was comforted by the story and it allowed him to make the soup without worrying she might need him for something.

Thranduil was gone when Bard returned with the soup, he didn’t mention him and he refused to address the feeling of disappointment that the God had left again without even speaking to him.

“Da, that man that was here…” Her voice was rough from all the coughing but it didn’t stop the apparent tone of curiosity coming through as she eyed him between bites of her soup, which he urged her to continue eating. If she was eating she wasn’t asking questions about Thranduil that he may not be able to answer.

“That man that was here,” Bard repeated quietly, his gaze not meeting his daughters as he studied his hands intently-- so few words from her and yet he felt he was on trial.

“I’ve never heard you speak about him before, he said you were friends, how did you meet him?” There it was, the question he had been dreading because he couldn’t lie to her because he was terrible at it, she would see right through him.

“Yeah, new friend. Nice guy, we met recently he’s doing me a huge favour.”

“What kind of favour?”

Did she have to sound so suspicious?!

“He’s helping me get a job.” It wasn’t a lie but he left it very bare of any further detail, and he hoped it was enough to sate her curiosity.

When he looked over she was already falling asleep again and he caught the empty soup bowl before it fell from her hands. Well, that was one way to avoid answering any questions.

He got up making sure to tuck Sigrid in properly before heading to the kitchen to wash up. Bard half expected Thranduil to be there when he entered the kitchen but there was no trace of him.

In fact, he didn’t see Thranduil again for three days.

Eventually, Bard became impatient and went to the temple leaving a bottle of wine he bought using tip money from his job.

Setting the bottle down on the platform Bard spoke his prayer, which was far less elegant than last time.

“So, Thranduil are you still going to help me, I really need to know if you can or not because I’m seriously concerned I just let a madman into my home and believed he could grant fantastical wishes. Anyway, enjoy the wine.” With that, he left and headed out to his delivery job- job was a job even if he wasn’t pleased about it.

Midway through his shift, his phone buzzed and several text messages came through at once.

[UNKNOWN] *green faced emoji* This wine is terrible!

[UNKNOWN] How much was this?! An awful offering you should be ashamed.

[UNKNOWN] *cry face emoji* I know I am being ungrateful but it’s so awfuuuull!!

There could be only one person texting him like this, and with a sigh, Bard began composing a reply. Before he could even start typing another set of messages came through.

[UNKNOWN] Your prayer was lacking the reverence it held the first time. Also I am absolutely offended you questioned my power.

[UNKNOWN] IN ANY CASE!!! I am helping you, things take time, Bard! *Tongue sticking out emoji*

Supposedly, he was to trust this man…

With a shrug, Bard pocketed his phone then had a near-fatal heart attack when a pale hand smacked the driver’s side window.

“I cannot believe you just ignored my messages!”

Thranduil.

Winding down the window Bard gave an apologetic smile while Thranduil huffed and puffed about being ignored for a little while longer.

“You want me to apologise for being too poor to buy you good wine?”

“...No… but a response would have been nice. No wonder you’re so unlucky in love, is this how you treat all the texts you receive?” The fact that Thranduil could and did text was far too funny to Bard and he burst into peals of laughter. Eventually, he calmed down and leaned out of the car window a little.

“You’re genuinely the first person to text me in months, sorry.”

Thranduil didn’t respond, his expression was soft now, and his eyes seemed filled with a sadness that had been harboured within him for thousands of years. For a moment Bard saw the God searching for something, perhaps words to ease the tense feeling that now surrounded them or an excuse to leave him…

“Can I get in?” The blond asks quietly, he waits for Bard to nod before walking around the car and climbing into the passenger seat having to nearly fold himself in half to seat himself properly.

Feeling generous Bard leaned over Thranduil as best he could, his chest against the other’s legs as he did so, and pulled the lever that pushed the seat back. Once it was far enough back for Thranduil to unfold himself Bard sat up and started the car.

“Let’s drive and you can tell me what you have planned for me.” He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, and his blood roaring in his ears. Nothing was alright, nothing was fine because he was very aware of how attractive he found Thranduil but he had no idea how to handle such feelings.

“Ah…” Thranduil stalled a moment and Bard was surprised to see him looking pink-cheeked and, somewhat, flustered as they slowly slid under street lamps that lined the roads into the centre of town. “Send off an application to the school of your choice, all will work out there without a hitch. Are you not more interested in finding this one true love of yours?”

That stopped Bard short. He couldn’t lie, he hadn’t thought about it since he last spoke to Thranduil; so lost in the idea of getting a job it seemed romance had fallen by the wayside.

Was he still looking for love?

When the wish was uttered he had been feeling hopeless and lonely, but with Thranduil popping up at random times he found that he was not so sad about being alone. The fact he would be getting a job soon; would he even have time for romance?

“Let’s just focus on getting me a job, you said yourself I might meet someone there.” He tried to brush the subject under the carpet as casually as he could. There had to be something else he could talk about- Thranduil.

The God probably never got to talk about himself.

“So, I know my daughter could see you but are you ever only able to be seen by the person making the wish?” Was he visible to only himself right now, was Bard driving along in his car talking to himself?

“I can’t do that invisible to everyone but one thing, I am either visible to all or I am not.”

“So you just walk around dressed like that all the time?” Bard asks gesturing to the long white robes Thranduil was currently wearing, they were beautiful but they made him stand out in a crowd. “As if you need another reason for people to be staring at you.” These words were spoken under his breath but oh Thranduil had heard them and how his face glowed and a slow smile began to form on his lips almost feline his bright eyes on Bard.

“Oh ho, what sweet words you do whisper to me, where did this bravado come from?” There was a purr in the blond’s voice, that smug purr when an ego was stroked without prompting.

Bard kept his eyes on the road and his mouth shut, lips tightly sealed as he mentally scolded himself-- he had to reign himself in that comment had slipped out and for a hot second Bard wondered if it had even been him that had spoken. Of course, it had been but it had just come so naturally… flirting with this man should not have come so easily to him.

Though, he supposed it was good practise for when he met the woman that could potentially be his future wife.

If he could stomach the idea of marriage again.

It was the least appealing act he could imagine in that current point of his life, he did not want a replay of his first marriage.

It wasn’t all bad but heartache takes a long time to heal and Bard had never quite forgotten the feel of it, even if it was just the ghost of an ache in his chest now.

Bard pulled up outside of the pizza place and cut the engine, Thranduil was looking out of the passenger side window but he looked back toward Bard when he realised they’d stopped moving. Nothing was said about their conversation not minutes before, Thranduil had the good sense to drop the sound of crowing joy from his voice when he spoke again.

“The girl that works at the counter likes you… a lot.” They both looked over toward the pizza place, they could see a red-headed woman at the counter, well, she was barely in her 20’s and Bard’s insides squirmed uncomfortably at the thought of dating her.

“She’s 20 years old or something, I’m 37 that’s... Thranduil, she’s a baby.”

“Ahaha, do not get the wrong idea. I meant only that you are desirable to many, the woman at your local supermarket that works the help desk, she thinks you’re utterly fantastic. The point I am making is that- I know you are hesitant about being with another person and that you believe yourself to be the bottom of everyone’s list but you’re not.

You’re the hero of your own story and the heartthrob in someone else’s. While you see yourself as…” He pauses as though trying to find the right words, “Oh how would you put it, ah yes! While you see yourself as a dork- yes, I think that’s right, other’s see you as sophisticated and even sexy.” Bard almost choked on air when Thranduil referred to him as sexy, though a wheezing and awkward laugh followed as he tried in vain to brush the comment off as nothing.

“I need to get back to work, but you keep talking utter nonsense about me while I deliver pizzas. I am up for a laugh tonight.” He exited the car while Thranduil frowned after him though he did not move from his seat and only watched Bard hurry into work to grab a stack of pizza boxes all ready to deliver.

They spent the night together delivering pizzas, Thranduil made a habit of coming to the door with Bard so they could continue their conversations, it resulted in Bard being tipped more than usual which he was thankful for even if he was not absolutely enamoured with the fact that Thranduil so was damned smug about it.

“I’ve still got it.” The blond stretched out in the car arching his back like a cat as much as he could in the cramped space, “I mean, I there was never a time I was ever led to believe I had lost it, but still tonight proves I am eye candy to ladies and gents in this day and age.” He glanced over at Bard as he said the word ‘gents’ but Bard was too busy checking his phone for more delivery requests.

“Go home, Bard. You need sleep and don’t forget to apply for the teaching job, I can’t help you if you do not meet me halfway.”

“Fine, fine, I suppose I can call it a night. The sheer amount of tips because…” He loathed to say it but pushed through even while Thranduil smirked victoriously, “...because you were around all night means I can go home early.”

“Hmm, it sounds good to hear you admit that.”

Thranduil vanished before Bard got home which was perfectly fine with him as he hadn’t really wanted that awkward goodbye with him, how did you ask a God to leave so you could get some sleep?

Thranduil had probably just known. In any case, he had been the one that insisted he go home and sleep.

------------------

Bard took it easy the next week, he filled out the job application online and sent it off as soon as he could then paced his kitchen floor for an hour fretting about the whole thing nearly calling out for Thranduil.

If he called would he come?

In the event that he truly needed the man he could just text him but once he had the job of his dreams would the blond retreat back into the shadows and close himself off from the human world?

Would he remain unheard once he had gotten all he had wanted from Thranduil?

What did Thranduil want in return for offering him a new life on a plate?

---------------

The call regarding the teaching job came late Friday afternoon. A meeting was scheduled for Monday morning and Bard had never felt such a seesawing of emotions as he hung up the phone.

An interview.

The opportunity to teach again. It had been so long since he had stood at the front of a classroom, the thought of teaching groggy teenagers in the mornings and trying to grasp their attention, it was a thrill and a challenge Bard absolutely needed and wanted.

Maybe an offering to the God he owed this to would bring him luck.

He tapped out a text asking if Thranduil was around.

The response was immediate.

[Thran] I might be…

[Thran] What do you need?

The tone came across as cold though he may have just been busy or Bard was reading way too into the message and it actually was just neutral because most of the time texts had no tone without some emojis or text speak.

[Thran] Don’t keep a man waiting!!

[Bard] Sorry!! You don’t have to be so impatient. I was worried I was bothering you.

[Thran] *Roll eye emoji* Doing what exactly? I’ve had no friends for 300 years.

[Bard] Okaaayy. I just wanted to know if I had to leave you an offering at the temple or if you would just prefer to come pick it up?

[Thran] …

[Thran] What do you have for me?

[Bard] You only seem interested when I have something for you.

[Bard] I’m joking. I was just going to cook for you, if you'd like that?

“Well, with an offer that generous how could I stay away?” The sarcastic drawl came from a spot very close behind Bard and he clenched his hands into fists as though it would stop his heart from beating right out of his chest.

“Can’t you at least try and walk through the door like a normal person?” Bard moaned as he turned to face the God. He was greeted by the blond in a relatively modern-looking outfit, his hair was in a long thick braid over one shoulder away from his face for once.

The clothing was what caught Bard’s eye, black jeans showing just how damned long Thranduil’s legs were paired with what looked like a very soft cashmere jumper in a dark forest green.

It was then Bard had to come to terms with the fact he was ridiculously attracted to the blond, though admitting it to himself would be as far he would go… could go. It didn’t seem feasible or even remotely possible that anything would come from this attraction.

Just more questions to keep me up at night… Bard offered Thranduil a crooked smile and gestured for him to take a seat at the tiny dining table.

“You look good, you suit a more modern look, is this you trying something new to bring in potential worshippers?” Bard moved around the kitchen grabbing ingredients from the fridge and a cutting board from the cupboard, when he looked over to Thranduil for an answer he found Thranduil sat staring at the table top looking very troubled.

“Are you ok?”

“Once you get your job teaching, I think it is best I no longer visit you, Bard.” His tone was resolute and while Bard wanted to argue he resisted. If this was to be how it was who was he to argue?

Hasn't that always been the case?

He had left offerings for this God to help him and then once the job was done he would leave. The problem was that now he thought about it he didn’t really like the idea of not seeing Thranduil again.

There would be nothing you could do to convince him… just agree and let him have his own way. There was a heavy feeling of unease in his stomach but he nodded set down the knife he had been holding.

“All right, if that is how it has to be.” Being in agreement with Thranduil left a tight feeling in his chest and he found he wasn’t really hungry any more. “Kind of putting a damper on dinner though.” At his words Thranduil stood up from the table he gave Bard a curt nod.

“Yes, I shall take my leave now. I hope you have everything you want now, Bard. It has been an experience getting to know you and your life. I am… I’m going to miss you. In the short time I’ve known you I have not laughed so much. Your company has truly been appreciated. Please, promise me that no matter how much you think you need to, do not look for me.” With that he vanished leaving Bard well and truly alone for the first time in 2 weeks.

“Well, fuck.”

-----------------

The interview was a breeze and Bard started his job the following week. He was given an office and his own classroom.

The students were a boisterous lot but Bard found them all charming and brilliant in their own ways, even the troublemakers had won him over with their inventive backtalk. All in all, he loved it-- he was in love with his job and he finally felt he was taking a step forward in life rather than treading water.

Not only was working going great, but he also had someone take an interest in him, one of the admin staff at the school had asked him for coffee, it was casual but Bard definitely got the feeling it had been considered a date.

While he was genuinely ecstatic that someone wanted to get to know him and for there to be a chance of romance something didn’t feel right. Lydia was beautiful, pretty grey eyes and golden blonde hair that hung in natural curls down to her shoulders. Her smile was as sweet as her laugh but it didn’t nothing for him.

Some nights Bard would lie in bed staring up at the ceiling as car headlights from the street below threw shadows across his room, he would grip the bed sheets with both hands and force himself to think of something… anything… memories or even the day's events, just something to plug up the emptiness he felt inside.

What was wrong with him?!

After weeks of suffering through the ache of loneliness Bard made the conscious decision to break his promise to Thranduil and he headed out to the park to find the temple. He brought no offering only a quiet sort of fury he hadn’t realised he had been holding on to.

-----------------

The sun was already low when Bard entered the park. Most people were packing their things away to leave, and no one seemed to notice a man in a shirt and tie heading for the woodland area at the back.

The trees felt oppressively close as Bard tried to find his way through them, even on the pathway he felt as though they were closing in on him, a warning for him to turn back but the warning went unheeded and the brunet pushed on with more purpose than before.

It felt as though it took an age to find the clearing again, and when he did Bard glanced up at the tree canopy to see the sky between the branches had faded from gold and orange to lilac and blue, the inky dark of the night slowly rolling in above him with no regard to the world below it.

Without any further distractions Bard entered the temple and was confronted by a furious looking Thranduil stood among the candles, they flickered violently as Bard entered the building, but it was the look on Thranduil’s face that stilled him.

Had he made a mistake?

“I told you not to do this, why can’t you just trust me?” For all the fury on his face, Thranduil’s voice was quiet no ire in his voice only sheer exhaustion. “Why couldn’t you have just gotten on with your life instead of haunting mine?!”

The stunned silence fell over them almost immediately and for a second Bard couldn’t even hear his own heartbeat, after a moment or two the roar of blood in his ears returned and brought him back to Earth.

Gods, he hurt, more than he had expected to when coming to the temple but Thranduil had sounded wounded and scared more than angry and Bard knew he couldn’t leave until he got to the bottom of the God’s odd behaviour.

“I wanted to see you, don’t I get to ask why you suddenly cut off all communication?”

“Why would you think I would tell you anything, do you think we’re friends?” Scathing, words intended to cut deep but Bard pressed on, he wasn’t leaving until he absolute knew Thranduil wanted nothing more to do with him for the rest of eternity.

“We could be friends-- what are you afraid of?”

The temple was plunged into darkness as every candle went out leaving Bard effectively blind, there was no time for him to let his eyes adjust to the dark, trusting his sense of direction he moved forward with confident strides one hand reaching out until it connects with the soft fabric of Thranduil’s robe.

“Answer me, why can’t we be friends?”

“Don’t… Bard, please.” The blond begged desperately a warm hand covered Bard’s as he pried open the burnet’s fingers releasing the fabric. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.” His voice shook as though fighting back intense emotions but Bard didn’t move and instead he grabbed the front of Thranduil’s robe again keeping a connection while still unable to make out the other in the pitch black.

“Is it… because I’m human?” The question came out a whisper, it was entirely possible that Thranduil had tried to hurt him to spare himself the pain of losing a friend to death. It didn’t make him feel any better knowing this could be the reason.

“Oh, Bard. Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone?” A pained response though there was a tired sort of exasperation colouring his tone, “But yes, I stopped seeing you because I realised how much I enjoyed your company and I could see you were fond of me. I was frightened to continue our friendship because I knew I’d lose you sooner or later.”

If Thranduil had not mentioned friendship it would have sounded like a confession of love, maybe he did love him but not in the way Bard thought he had… not in the way Bard had wanted him to.

“Fuck, I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t have come here. I’ve made a mistake.” Hurried words as Bard released Thranduil at the same time moving back creating space between them, though the black void around them revealed nothing of how much space.

“I can’t fucking see… Thranduil I have to go. I’m sorry- having a friend like would have been great… I’m so sorry.” With that he stumbled back towards what looked to be the exit, the faint light clinging to the doorway showed him back out into the clearing.

Heaving air into his lungs Bard cursed himself under the stars before breaking out into a run into the darkness of the woods, he didn’t deviate from his path and soon he was back out in the open of the manicured grass lawns that were the city park.

A night shift security guard ushered him out and Bard flopped onto a bench on the street to gather his thoughts.

One thing he was positively sure of… He was definitely falling for Thranduil and Thranduil wanted nothing to do with him.

He couldn’t blame the God, Bard would age and die, he’d be a terrible friend regardless of how much he cared for him they just weren’t compatible. They couldn’t be friends, they couldn’t be anything and right then Bard wanted nothing more than to drain a bottle of wine.

So that’s what he did, on his walk home he stopped off at the store and bought a marginally better wine than the one he had given Thranduil then headed home and drank a bottle and a half of cheap red wine.

Strangely, it didn’t make him feel any better about the situation just regretful that he hadn’t fought to convince the God that they could continue to see one another. Bard was sure he could just be friend with Thranduil, this new found bisexuality was something he still had to learn about so taking things slow seemed the right idea… until he picked up his phone and started texting Thran.

[Bard] I bought better wine.

[Bard] Incase you r might be intrestd

[Bard] moght already be durnk

The room spun in a jerking fashion and Bard gripped his phone a little tighter in his hand just in case that would help- it didn’t but it was a valiant effort on his part.

The phone buzzed in his hand and Bard looked down to see a response to his messages.

[Thran] Stop drinking you’ll hurt yourself.

[Thran] Go to bed and sleep it off.

Giddy at the fact he’d enticed out a response out of the blond Bard set to responding, or at least he tried but the code on his phone was difficult to remember and being such a lightweight he was too drunk to realise that the code was literally 0000.

Eventually, after much cursing and many threats made to the device Bard managed to unlock it.

Another text had come through in the meantime.

[Thran] I’m sorry that things ended the way they did. You might be too drunk to read this properly and take it all in but… The reason I pushed you away is because…

[Thran] I am not doing this via text. Go to bed I will speak to you in the morning!

The sun shone bright and cheery into the lounge of Bard’s apartment and directly onto a now extremely groggy and hungover educator- his mouth felt like a desert and his head pounded feeling as though an elephant had tap danced on it all night.

Groaning he sits up still in his clothes from work the day before. Thankfully it was a blessed Saturday which meant Bard could suffer the consequences of his actions in relative peace. Well, that was until he padded into the kitchen the get water and he found Thranduil stood in the exact same place he had been when the first met.

Only this time he looked grim, was dressed like a modern man and was holding a glass of water out to Bard his eyes full of disapproval and smidge of sympathy.

“I thought seeing as I may have been the reason you got wasted drunk last night… it seemed only fair that I take care of your this morning.” Bard took the water but he winced as he moved and Thranduil looked mightily concerned when Bard went a shade paler than he had been before.

“Get into bed. I cannot believe how drunk you were ls night. You are so irresponsible!”

“I know, I know… you sound like my wife.” Bard joked as he hobbled down the hall holding his delicate body rigid as though that would save him from the never-ending waves of nausea that battered his entire being.

Never had he imagined that someone could feel sick right down to their toes, and yet here he was experiencing it with the least sympathetic man in all of creation standing over his bed with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Yes, well if I were you wife you’d not be in this state.” Thranduil’s retort came out harsh at first but by the end of his sentence his voice had softened and he was sitting on the edge of the bed brushing Bard’s hair, that was plastered to his forehead, off his face. “If we were married you probably wouldn’t be very happy.” There was something hesitant about the way he spoke as though he had dared to dream of something so domestic as being married to someone.

“Would I be unhappy?” The brunet questioned, he elaborated when Thranduil gave him a searching look as though trying to fathom what on earth he was talking about. “How could a man be unhappy looking at someone as beautiful as you every day knowing that he was married and that they felt the same?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bard. You don’t know what you’re saying, you must still be drunk.” The God scoffed brushing off the compliment though now his cheeks were a faint pink and he was busying himself with ensuring Bard was comfortable but somehow doing it without looking at him.

“Would it be ridiculous, if two people care for another why can’t they be together?”

“Therein lies the problem, dear Bard. Both people have to have the same feelings.” Thranduil explained simply.

Bard frowned.

“Don’t you care for me?”

“Of course I do, it’s you- oh…”

“Oh, what?” He sits up though it was a mistake to do so as the room did a lovely turn for him and his stomach flipped with appreciation, Bard enjoyed none of this. “Thranduil, oh what?”

Thranduil merely offered him a satisfied smile, he took a cleansing breath and forced Bard to lie down again all the while deftly removing the man’s tie to save him from choking while he recovered.

“Rest and get over this hangover, I will be here when you wake up.” Leaning down he pressed a soft kiss to Bard’s forehead when he didn’t get a reaction he sat up about to huff and puff that his gesture should have been a huge sign to the other man.

However, before the words could leave his mouth he noticed the other was already flat out asleep.

“You, sir, are an idiot, but stars do I love you.”

#Thranduil #Bard #Barduil #The Hobbit #Prompt #10k words #bee-king-official

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migleefulmoments · 5 years

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I'm a psych major - i seriously believe that the CC fandom is a cult - the hate they send is cult like mentality, they have something seriously wrong with them. Like mentally. I wouldn't be surprised if one of them got arrested for harassment of C or D or their partners.

Come off anon and chat with me...there is a lot to unpack and I won’t do it publicly.

There is definite some mental health issues for in that fandom. I too keep wondering how far they will push it. If not them, will some follower of theirs do something stupid because they are emboldened by the rhetoric that the ccc leaders spew?

Whether the anons are real or the leaders of the ccc are sending anons to themselves-or it’s a combination of both- is unclear to me, what I do know is that the answers they are giving are consistently and purposefully misleading and often outright lies.

Two recent examples of their outrageous lies;

1. ANON::

“...have u seen naya say on the podcast that C was actually upset about santana's rant to kurt in that episode... because it was so real? it really makes u think that there was for sure one writer thay really did have it out for chris...

ajw720 answered:

That rant was 100% directed at C and it was divined by RM. He is raging with jealousy towards C, he has everything, looks, talent, creativity, and D. And things completely feel apart when RM realized C was genuine competition. You realize Blainofsky was punishment to CC for acting out that past summer? He literally broke up the fan favorite couple on the show during the last season for revenge. And he despises C in particular. And that rant was not aimed at K/urt. It was aimed at C. And I am glad N/aya commented on it, I can’t imagine how she felt being used on that manner.

FACT CHECK:

Had she spent 2 minutes Googling this she would have realized that fact Brad Falchuk-not Ryan Murphy- wrote Jagged Little Tapestry thus invalidating her entire theory.

Everything she said about Ryan Murphy in this paragraph is simply her fantasy. Ryan is a very successful and powerful Hollywood writer, producer, and director. He is also gay and married with young children and Is a powerful LGBQT advocate. His youngest son waged a 2-year battle with Neuroblastoma from 2016-2018. Neuroblastoma is a vicious form of childhood cancer that requires intense treatment. I used to be an pediatric oncology/bone marrow transplant nurse and this cancer and treatment is no joke.

Ryan Murphy is very creative- he created and wrote episodes of Glee, 911, and Nip/Tuck, AHS, ACS, and the upcoming The Politician. Check out his IMDB (X).

He has won numerous awards and nurtured a lot of queer content including Pose which hired both LGBTQ actors and staff making it highly unlikely that he would closet a gay actor.

She suggested Ryan is jealous of Chris because of his “looks” and his relationship with Darren. There is nothing to suggest that Ryan is unhappy in his married, his attracted to much younger or is attracted to Chris and/ Darren. Ryan called his husband, “His rock” in 2018 when talking about their son’s illness.

Abby ignores Ryan’s real life story, instead because it doesn’t fit her fanfiction character profile she created for Ryan.

2. ANON:

“....is it a known fact to the whole fandom that f/etusm/iarren is M/ia ?” (X)

chrisdarebashfulsmiles answered:

Hi, you know, i think (my opinion) that m/iarrens are ignoring purposely this fact. Like.. they have seen everything happening or showed here and decided to say “hey, you know? i don’t care”. Like they do with everything that is not part of the “D is straight” tale.

Let’s say that most of us have an idea about who the minions are (if they exists and i think i can tell you that maybe one is a real person)… but it’s irrelevant.

The account still exists because, and believe me i don’t know how this is possible, the stans who follow that account are more “m/ia stans” (the ones that bother us on our blogs and in blogs dedicated to hate and mock us) than “D stans. Let me tell you one thing: i speak with a good bunch of “m/iarren” that are D stans and we are on the same page, we worry for D. No talk of bullshit with them. Most of them understood that something wasn’t ok and they left their fandom, without becoming part of the cc one. Others are still here but more subtle and still respectful.

And I see why: because they want to understand what is wrong.

Anyway: D’s team gives her stuff, and this is one of the problem.

FACT CHECK:

In truth, there are very few “Mia stans” and a lot of “Darren stans”. The CCCers refuse to listen to what their anons actually say. Instead they pigeon-hole people into categories based on their own needs and they need us to be unreasonable and obsessed with Mia rather than Darren for their self-righteous antics to work.

Nobody that I am aware of is purposefully ignoring credible evidence that Darren is gay. None of us are looking at the “evidence “ and saying “hey, we don’t care”. The fact is that very few people care if Darren is gay or straight and the “evidence” is nonsense. I have yet to year one thing that sounds credible. Anyone else?

I did a very rudimentary look her claim that “The account still exists because, and believe me i don’t know how this is possible, the stans who follow that account are more “m/ia stans” than “D Stans”. I sampled 280 Fetu/sMiarr/en followers:

The vast majority were private accounts aka we cannot say why they are interested in the account.

4 or 0.1% called themselves Mi/arrens

10 or 3.5% listed Kl/aine or Gle/e in their profile

15 or 5.3% listen Darre/n or posted photos of him alone

1 or 0.03% was a Guns ‘N Hoses page DING DING DING we found the Mia Stan.

Darren’s team gives her stuff? What exactly would Darren’s team need to give her? She is his wife. She goes everywhere with him. they own a home and bar together.

Chrisdarebashfulsmiles had a rare moment of honestly when she said “Believe me I don’t know how this is possible”. The truth is. it isn’t possible. it’s all made up.

Abby stuck her nose in to the conversation with this wisdom:

ajw720

And a lot of the stans who refuse to accept it, need M because she is the only thing that makes d straight. And they know as soon as they start to question, they have to face reality

Um, no Abs, Mia is not the only thing that makes Darren straight.

Darren is straight because he is a man who is sexually attracted to women....the very definition of “straight”.

Darren has identified as straight for 9 years.

Your confusion around his sexual orientation is simply your refusal to respect his word because you believe you know more than he does about his own feelings-however that isn’t a valid argument.

His marriage to Mia is a personal decision to build a life with the woman he loves and has been in a relationship with for 9 years or so.

Let’s look at Darren’s own words over the years:

2011 'Glee' Star Darren Criss Comes Out—As A Straight Guy!(X)

"I think it's more empowering to everybody, including myself, if I'm articulate about identifying myself as a straight male playing a gay character," the actor says in the Hollywood issue of Out magazine. "Ultimately, that's more powerful for both communities."

When Criss first got the role of Blaine, he admits that he wanted to deflect questions about his sexual orientation, giving reporters answers like, "It doesn't matter if I'm gay or straight." But he decided that it was better if he was just honest and straightforward. Besides, he explains, he owes a huge part of his identity to gay role models.

2011 “Glee Star Darren Criss Dishes on Kissing Lea Michele & Losing Out To Cory Monteith (X)

I’ve been pretty overt about the fact that I am straight,” Darren told Billy and Kit. “I think it’s an important thing to be explicit about — not for my own sexuality, but just as a general statement that I am comfortable with my sexuality and very comfortable with the fact that I’m playing a strong gay character.”

2013 Cosmo Guy” Darren Criss On Glee’s New Chapter (X)

Q: You're not gay; you just play gay on TV. Do you ever feel the need to assert your heterosexuality?

A: No. I know who I am. I feel bad for guys who have to flex their muscles. But hey, if that's the way to make yourself feel comfortable as a man—as long as it isn't antagonizing anybody—go for it. I'm okay with your getting a Miata to feel like a dude; just don't be a dick about it.

Darren Criss Will No Longer Play Gay Characters (X)

Darren Criss has decided that he will no longer play gay characters. Why? Because he doesn’t want to be a straight actor taking potential roles from actors who actually identify as gay, he said in a recent interview with Bustle.

“There are certain [queer] roles that I’ll see that are just wonderful,” he explained. “But I want to make sure I won’t be another straight boy taking a gay man’s role.”

2018 Darren Criss on Playing Serial Killer Andrew Cunanan in ACS: Versace and Passing as White (X)

You’ve also played a lot of gay and queer characters. Has playing these parts informed how you think about your sexuality or gender? That’s a great question. God, we need like an hour. Sure, yes. Absolutely. It definitely has. I think being queer in general evokes more self-questioning than somebody who’s cisgender straight, because you really have to explore a lot of things about yourself that are meeting resistance on conventional social levels. So you have to go, “Okay, cool. Is this really how I feel?” There are questions that arise within yourself that doesn’t have to happen if you live in a hetero-normative universe. So in that sense, I think the journey of questioning oneself, which everybody does anyway — and should do— I admire that narrative. Even though I am not gay myself, or queer, I am a storyteller, and I love and appreciate the strength of character it takes for someone to get through that, whether it was difficult or not. I’ve been very blessed in my career with being allowed in the gay community. Again, as a cisgendered straight dude, that’s not lost on me. I don’t take that for granted. It’s been such a huge part of my life, even pre-Glee. I come from San Francisco doing theater, man. Like, I was raised by gay men. Not literally at home, but you know, as a young kid doing theater, my friends were these men and women in their 20s, driving me home and getting me dinner. These were my adult figures in my life, so unconsciously I’ve always had such affection for the life, whatever that means. So I guess inhabiting a gay voice is important to me because it’s a voice that I find inspiring.

These are just two of the many lies the cc fandom tell their followers in order to manipulate them into believing the fantasies that means much to them.

#cc #ccer #ccers #cc family #cc blog #ccc #CrissColfer Cult #cc fandom #crisscolfer #darren criss #mia swier #Ryan Murphy #Darren is straight

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battlestar-royco · 5 years

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Ive seen how certain str8 YT dude authors R better at writing diversity&Representation than str8 YT women. I think it's cuz there's nothing giving them a shield. When str8 yt dudes listen & understand their privilege & r willing 2 write & do better they actually (try) 2 do better. But str8 yt women. They can hide behind misogony & keep writing their bland str8 YT girl doing bland str8 yt girl shit & pass it off as EMPOWERMENT.

I think about this all the time, holy crap. While I hesitate to say straight white guys are better at writing diversity than straight white women, I DO think both S/W men and women fall into habits that are differently bad. Men tend to tokenize and sexualize the shit out of women and do the “strong female character” thing (AKA one (1) conventionally attractive white girl in an all-men cast who wears tight clothes while stabbing people and giving off a sassy line every now and then; may have been abused by a father/brother/boyfriend in the past; may be secretly yearning to have a child; may get chained up by the villain and then saved by the leading man). Meanwhile, women will write other S/W women and men just fine and then tokenize and abuse the shit out of everyone else. They also might fall into tropes of internalized misogyny while men will fall into tropes of internalized toxic masculinity. All that said, I do think S/W women are generally held up to a far higher standard for diversity than S/W men are for a lot of reasons, some of which being that a lot of times authors write for gendered audiences or their content is marketed in a gendered way. Thus, S/W men writers end up targeting S/W men while S/W women writers target S/W women. Generally, the audience members that are more invested in diversity are women, so audiences of S/W women end up critiquing the creator more than S/W men do. Also, S/W men often view all material through a very privileged lens (due to hetero goggles, male gaze, white/POC empathy gap, etc) that does not pick up on problematic things. I feel like in men-dominated fandom, calling out problematic things is a much less welcome tendency and will get you harassed and discredited far easier whereas women-dominated fandom seems more accepting of discourse.

To speak to your point, I think S/W women get a pass for so much oppressive stuff they do just based on the fact that they’re women, especially from S/W women stans. Also, their stuff is more likely to be marketed as “SUPER FEMINIST SO EMPOWERING” when really it’s the SAME EXACT SHIT WE’VE BEEN SEEING SINCE 1980. For decades, S/W women have been the lead in high concept rom coms, the most desirable love interests, superheroes, overthrowing the government, the Final Girl in almost every ensemble horror movie, etc. Meanwhile the MCU’s first film to feature a lead WOC in her natural skin color came out LAST YEAR (I believe, with Zendaya), after ten years of the MCU. Star Wars still has never featured a lead WOC and has killed off the vast majority of their lead POC despite having 5 white women leads. All the Barbie movies are literally everything wrong with white feminism, creating extremely gendered notions about society, and promoting conventionally attractive white women’s issues over everyone else’s in the name of empowerment. Similarly, there are only four Disney animated princesses of color and they all have the same body type and gender/sexuality. LGBTQ+ people, especially those of color, are nearly invisible in all media. Disability is barely addressed or extremely vilified in these blockbuster genres/franchises. Marginalized people are all just waiting for these same “feminist” S/W women to acknowledge how much longer non-cishet/white people have to wait to see themselves represented like that and how many of us continually get mentally scarred well into adulthood from severe lack of representation like

Furthermore, it is definitely, DEFINITELY true that a lot of privileged women and their stans use gender as a way to excuse their problematic asses and to act like the victim when someone calls them out. I’m not joking, I’ve seen straight white women write elaborate paragraphs, like ten pages’ worth in one post/article, explaining why people calling them/their faves racist, abusive, or homophobic is actually misogynistic instead of trying to sit back and learn COUNTLESS TIMES in COUNTLESS FANDOMS. For example, every time a white woman justifies whitewashing a character of color in favor of a white woman, or every time a new blond/brunette woman is inserted into a huge blockbuster franchise with fifteen other women who look just like her because “we’re all underrepresented” or “the POC talent wasn’t good enough.”

If I took a shot for every time a white woman said to me “you can’t judge x for its time” to excuse lack of diversity in a movie/show/book (AND OFTENTIMES IN THINGS THAT CAME OUT LITERALLY 5-15 YEARS AGO, LIKE THE MCU MOVIES, DISNEY MOVIES, SEX AND THE CITY, LEGALLY BLONDE, OR HBO GIRLS????), I would be dead. I’ve also seen them excuse fetishization of mlm/MOC (and often vilification for MOC) by saying that it’s women “expressing their sexuality” and “supporting rep.” This comes from the same women who wouldn’t touch LGBTQ+/MOC rep with a barge pole if it wasn’t hypersexualized, stereotypical, and/or cis/white. S/W women writers/fans have a huge problem with brutalizing POC and characterizing them overall as violent or abrasive, and giving Z E R O F U C K S about characters who are WOC unless they’re conventionally attractive/light-skinned (and even then it’s very dubious). Time and again they’ll refuse to feel any compassion for POC, write any positive meta on them, give them any benefit of the doubt, draw them in fanart, or ship them with other characters (especially with white characters). Some other age-old excuses are “we’re not ready for [x representation] in a mainstream movie,” word for word “I’m not racist but I just don’t ship it :/” when talking about an interracial ship (especially if one of the characters, usually the man in a m/w ship, is white), “I don’t want to read about gay people/poc lol,” and “race/sexuality shouldn’t matter.”

TL;DR many S/W women have a lot of shit to sort out amongst themselves and it’s really disingenuous of them to act like they’re empowered and they’re fighting the good fight for all women. Their representation isn’t perfect and they do deserve great rep, but so does everyone else, especially because when it comes to diversity white women always come first.

#asks #fandom racism #scholar-of-yemdresh

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blog-usemamesaretricky · 7 years

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Kirby Review - What Should Your First Kirby Game Be?

It’s no secret that I am a die-hard fan of the Kirby series. One of the items on my bucket list is to play every single Kirby game to its completion. I really wish more people would get into the series, especially those who haven’t played video games before. If someone were to come up to me and say they were interested in Nintendo, I would recommend either Mario or Kirby as their first experience, as they are relatively simple to understand, feature a basic story with basic controls, and are just a bunch of fun.

So, you may be thinking, “Hey, I want to play a Kirby game!” Maybe you’ve seen the hype around Planet Robobot, or you found out about Kirby’s 25th anniversary happening this year. Either way, it may be a bit hard to choose a game to start with. Which one is the best Kirby game to start your journey into Dreamland?

Well, that’s just it. Any Kirby game will make a fine introduction to the series. Kirby games are meant to be introductory and simple, with no major overarching story to find yourself in the middle of or a list of characters you need to learn about. If you told me Kirby Mass Attack was your first Kirby game, I’d say that was fine. If you told me Kirby’s Pinball Land was your first experience with the little puff, that’s fine too. Honestly, you could put every Kirby game on a cork board, throw a dart, and you’d have picked a fine game.

That being said, there are some games that are better to start off with, and games I think are more satisfying to experience after you’ve been introduced to the series. Therefore, I will be making a list of the best Kirby games for you to start your experience, whether you have a Wii/Wii U or 3DS, or both. This is because of the vast virtual library both systems offer. Overall, I think the home console library is slightly better, but you won’t be missing out on the Kirby franchise if you only have the portable unit.

I’m going to try my best and not recommend these games based on my personal preference, but instead their simplicity, controls, music, themes, characters, and other elements that make it the best game to start the series, including how well it meets the standards for what we expect in modern Kirby. Keep in mind that I am counting remakes on my list, but not any games that Kirby is a cameo in (i.e. Super Smash Bros, NES Remix)

To begin, I’m going to list a bunch of Kirby games where I can’t find a reason to recommend them as being your first game. Again, it isn’t bad if this is the only Kirby game you have access to, and these aren’t automatically bad games by any stretch, but these games are either too different from the standard or are otherwise too difficult or near-impossible to obtain:

Kirby Pinball Land - the only pinball game in the series, it won’t give you an idea of how Kirby plays as a platformer.

Kirby Dream Course - unless you want the Grump experience, this game also strays away from the platforming norm, but definitely pick it up if that’s the game you’re specifically looking for, because there isn’t another one like it.

Kirby's Avalanche - a puzzle game, once again straying too far away from the norm. Pick it up if you want to see Kirby throw shade.

Kirby Star Stacker - puzzle game, see above

Kirby's Block Ball - another puzzle game, same reasons as pinball land.

Kirby’s Tilt ‘n’ Tumble - a great game, but the only way to access it is if you own a working Game Boy Colour and the original cartridge in working condition. If you have it, more power to you, but don’t break a sweat trying to find it.

Kirby’s Toy Box - Japan Exclusive

Kirby’s Super Star Stacker - Japan Exclusive

Kirby’s Air Ride - Now, before any hardcore Kirby fans dislike this decision, remember that this video is made for Kirby beginners. And while Air Ride may be a fantastic and addictive game, it doesn’t follow two of my crucial elements: one, it is not a traditional platformer, and two, it is not easily accessible - unless you own a GameCube, there is no easy (and legal) way to get this game. If this does get released on VC, though, I may add it to the list.

ALL Kirby Mini Game Expansions (e.g. Kirby Fighters Deluxe, Team Kirby Clash Deluxe, etc.) - I would only recommend these games AFTER you’ve played the games they come from.

Now if you are looking for a Kirby puzzle game ONLY, then by all means you can stop right here and pick out a game, but I’m assuming you’re here for the really good stuff. The stuff that makes Kirby shine - the copy abilities. I consider any Kirby game to be a great starting game for those interested in the series if it meets this criteria:

A platforming game that showcases Kirby’s ability to transform, either through traditional copy abilities or other means related to his surroundings, situations, or enemies.

This is why I’ve included games that are debatably spin-offs - Kirby’s Epic Yarn doesn’t feature Kirby’s signature inhale move, but it is still a platformer that showcases Kirby’s ability to change and adapt based on his new body. The only slight exception to this rule in Kirby’s Dreamland, but I’m giving it a pass since it is the first in the series, long before anything had been established. Instead of listing off the pros and cons to each Kirby game, I’m going to instead give a list of which games you should play based on your needs or desires, for each type of console. After that, I may give explanations as to why I couldn’t recommend a few of the games (but for the most part it’ll just come down to one being better than another). Finally, I’ll state what is the overall best Kirby game to play. Just to make sure we’re on the same page, here is the list of Kirby games that I will be referencing, giving us a grand total of 18 games to choose from:

Kirby's Dream Land (3DS OR WII U)

Kirby's Adventure (3DS OR WII U)

Kirby's Dream Land 2 (WII U)

Kirby Super Star (WII U)

Kirby's Dream Land 3 (WII U)

Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards (WII U)

Kirby: Nightmare in Dream Land (WII U)

Kirby & the Amazing Mirror (WII U)

Kirby Canvas Curse (3DS)

Kirby Squeak Squad (3DS)

Kirby Super Star Ultra (3DS)

Kirby's Epic Yarn (WII U)

Kirby Mass Attack (3DS)

Kirby's Return to Dream Land (WII U)

Kirby's Dream Collection (WII U)

Kirby Triple Deluxe (3DS)

Kirby and the Rainbow Curse (WII U)

Kirby Planet Robobot (WII U)

Number One - “I need a cheap Kirby game!”

Wii U: Kirby’s Nightmare in Dreamland VC

3DS: Kirby’s Dreamland VC

These two games are an excellent start into the series for a very low cost. Kirby’s Dreamland is 3.99US, and Kirby’s NiD is $6.99. While I wouldn’t consider these the best of the series, they are a good, cheap way to begin your adventure through Kirby’s history. Just keep in mind that if the controls are your only concern, in my opinion, they become MUCH better in the later games.

Number Two - “I want to learn about the history behind Kirby. Give me the full immersive experience!”

Wii U: Kirby’s Dream Collection

3DS: Kirby Super Star Ultra

No questions asked, The Dream Collection is the best way to get Kirby’s history. Featuring Kirby’s first six “main titles”, a history timeline, extra challenge minigames, and episodes from the anime, this is the game with the most immersive Kirby experience out there.

But, if you don’t have a Wii, then Super Star Ultra is a good way to go. It features a remake of the first Kirby game in the form of “Spring Breeze”, has more than 8 games to choose from, shows off a huge array of Kirby characters over the years, and is just plain fun.

Number Three - “I’ve played a few games in the series, now I’m looking for something a little different.”

Wii U: Kirby and the Amazing Mirror VC

3DS: Kirby Canvas Curse AND/OR Kirby Mass Attack

Kirby and the Amazing Mirror is a much more open map system, but still has Kirby keep his traditional abilities (i.e. the layout is different, but the controls and principles are the same). While it’s not world-changing, it is something different if you’re getting tired of the standard formula.

Kirby and the Rainbow Curse and Kirby Canvas Curse fall in the same boat. Both focus on line-travelling platforming, maintain (to some extent) Kirby’s ability to transform, and are a lot of fun. In terms of aesthetics, I prefer Rainbow Curse, but in terms of gameplay/control, Canvas Curse wins for me. Both, however, are a lot of fun and a bit different from the norm.

Kirby Mass Attack, I’ll be perfectly honest, is one of the few Kirby games I couldn’t really get into. The controls were just a bit too different from me. However, on its own merits, it is a fine Kirby game that tries out a new formula of gameplay, and succeeds. Some like it, others don’t, but there is nothing broken/technically wrong with the game and is a worthy candidate for this category.

(Side note: The puzzle games would also be good candidates for this section.)

Number Four - “I have literally never played a video game in my entire life dear God help me”

Wii U: Kirby’s Epic Yarn

3DS: Kirby’s Squeak Squad

Both of the games I have listed are fairly easy, have simple story lines, and fun but doable platforming. Kirby’s Squeak Squad is just plain easy, whereas in Kirby’s Epic Yarn, it presents more of a challenge in terms of platforming, but you can’t die. Both are also fairly easy to get 100% in, and don’t have too many extra modes to overwhelm you.

Number Five - “I want to play Kirby Planet Robobot!”

Wii U: Kirby’s Return to Dream Land

3DS: Kirby Super Star Ultra AND/OR Kirby’s Triple Deluxe

Odd suggestion - maybe don’t?

Now if all you want to do is play with Kirby in a mech, then, well, only Planet Robobot is going to do that for you. However, if you are interested in Kirby as a whole and are just super interested in Planet Robobot, I would recommend playing either Kirby’s Return to Dreamland for Wii OR Kirby Super Star Ultra and Kirby Triple Deluxe for 3DS. Trust me, it will make you appreciate the grandeur that is Planet Robobot. When the series was essentially rebooted in Kirby’s Return to Dreamland, there was a lot of experimentation with Kirby’s abilities and what he was capable of. Errors that were made in Triple Deluxe are solved perfectly in Planet Robobot (one being the collectable system), and Kirby Super Star Ultra contains some elements that are found in Planet Robobot. Again, if you want to start with Planet Robobot, by all means do so, it’s a fantastic game! But if you want to love it even more, consider playing the other titles I’ve suggested.

Number Six - “What’s the overall best Kirby game?”

This is debatable - most Kirby games are considered at least “Good” by most fans, but choosing the best is a completely different ball game. Personally though, (barring the Dream Collection due to its unfair advantage) I’d say Kirby Planet Robobot for 3DS and Kirby’s Return to Dreamland for Wii are the best the series has to offer - Return to Dreamland because of Kirby’s long awaited return to his roots after over 10 years without a traditional platformer on a home console, and Planet Robobot because it finally perfected the system that Return to Dreamland sought to create.

So, there you have it. Depending on your needs, these are the best Kirby games to start your adventure into the series. Have fun exploring the series - there’s a lot to enjoy! :) Now get out there and have fun!

#kirby #nintendo #first game #kirby series #video games

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