#some days I just don't need my adhd meds or I would rather feel my normal relatively unproductive self. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebibliosphere · 9 months

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Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

#chronic health tag #adult adhd #adhd

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copperbadge · 2 years

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1 of 2. Hi Sam - good morning! Re anxiety & ADHD. As a long-time clinical psychologist and experiencer of anxiety I would say that there is somewhat of a difference between the anxiety disorders identified in DSM such as GAD, (they typically address excessive/unrealistic/unwarranted worry/anxiety/fear) and the stress/anxiety that comes from knowing we are not managing to do the things necessary to keeping our life running smoothly because of, for example, ADHD. Of course, someone can experience

both at the same time. Typically, what we do about them differs a bit. For the excessive worry of GAD, we might help people change their relationship to worry thoughts so they're less dominated by them and they do less to 'fuel them.' With the stress of struggling with managing life tasks, we might use meds or behavioral strategies to increase ability and/or find ways of reducing life demands - to the extent that's possible in a capitalist society :(

Turns out I can't write the letters DSM without adding a disclaimer! DSM treats a complex biopsychosocial experience like anxiety a bit like it's measles - like it's a disease which we have or don't have: not my experience personally or professionally, & the data around many mental health issues suggests they're dimensional rather than categorical & they have complex, interactional risk factors to varying degrees. DSM may have some utility but it's not 'the truth.'

Yikes, I just found this in my drafts after having lost it for like...I think a couple of weeks at least, sorry Anon that I did not respond sooner. If it’s any consolation there’s at least one ask in my inbox from 2014.

What you’re saying about GAD vs. bog-standard “something’s wrong in my life” anxiety makes a lot of sense, and is kind of how I was looking at it, I think, but I’m not sure I was vocalizing it well. What was throwing me for a loop was the evaluator saying that I had really severe levels of anxiety, something that was worrying to her in a clinical sense -- GAD never really came up as a term, it was just what I had to go on when I got off the zoom call with her and googled about it. (She was very clear to state that while I had anxiety surrounding social situations she was not offering a diagnosis of Social Anxiety, both parts of which I agree with.) Of course it’s hard to know when you’re sitting in it whether what you’re feeling is unwarranted, but I felt like what worry I do feel is generally legit. I’ve been able to identify “Hey you’re freaked out about nothing” before, including times I couldn’t stop freaking out about nothing, but that seemed to me to be evidence I had a sense of scale, and it was never chronic.

These last few days, having shoveled out from under a bunch of stuff, I’ve been unsettled about the fact that there are periods of time when I don’t need to be doing anything. There’s stuff I could be doing, my to-do list isn’t empty, but none of it is catch-on-fire urgent the way much of my life has chronically been. I’m just so conditioned to having forgotten to do stuff and/or having stuff I know I should be doing that when I am permitted by circumstances to just sit and vegetate, I’m extremely bad about accepting it. Reading is helping, since there’s always another book to read and it fulfills my “I should be doing something” sense without actually wearing me out, and Dearborn is helping by sitting on me a bunch, but it’s very much an adjustment.

Still haven’t gotten the evaluation report from the clinic. I nudged the person who said she was doing the writeup, and she said she’d have it for me by today, then a few hours later emailed me to say “Actually your case was assigned to another doctor. I’ve asked her to bump it to the top of her queue, but I don’t have an ETA for you.”

They’ve got until August (mainly because the second half of July is going to be super hectic for me) and then I’m getting insurance involved.

#sam has adhd #anxiety

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in-sufficientdata · 8 months

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The worst time in my life was when I was still in the cult and I had 4 little kids ages 6 and under. The church taught me to deal with my mental health issues by prayer, not meds, so I was not treated for my bipolar II and what was probably pretty severe PPD.

I was never diagnosed as having PPD, so I don't really know if it was that or a severe downswing on my bipolar caused by the hormones + my situation, but really, it doesn't matter. It just matters that I was barely hanging on by a thread.

When my 4th child was born, it was in the summer between the two years of my husband attending college for his associate's degree. Since I had to leave work to have the baby he was working as much as he could. I had to take all 4 kids with me grocery shopping and everything else.

One day I was doing my paper route and I could only think about how much I hated everything that was happening to me. I felt incredible despair. I pulled my van up to an intersection and realized a box truck was trying to turn left where I was pulled up.

I put the van in reverse and backed up to make room. I didn't think to look in my rearview. I almost never saw other vehicles on that street, and this was in 4 years of having that paper route. I backed into the car behind me rather abruptly and rather hard.

A woman came out of the car screaming that I was careless and a bad driver. She mentioned having children in her car. She cursed at me. But there was no visible damage, so we got in our vehicles and drove away. I don't remember saying much. I could barely hold myself together.

Reader, if someone could will themselves to die on the spot, I would have died that day. I have never felt such hopelessness and despair. I'm trying to find better words because these seem inadequate. I hated the paper route, I hated that I had so many kids, I hated being poor.

This period of my life is rather blank in my memory. I continued pushing on somehow. I don't know how. Thankfully we eventually got to a place, not long after, where we didn't need that $50 a week I got from that paper route so desperately anymore.

I can only think I have some kind of tenacity I don't even fathom in myself because, and this is no exaggeration, I thought about death and/or suicide on a daily basis from the age of 8 until I was around 35. But this was when it was the very worst.

I made a tweet yesterday that people found amusing about being the mother of 6. It's got way more likes than anything else I've ever posted on Twitter.

Every time it alerts me I think about being poor and being in a cult and being taught I shouldn't medicate for my mental illnesses. I think about being depressed and being suicidal and being unable to concentrate on anything but the next 5 minutes.

I don't know why I'm rambling about this except that someone I follow here just got a diagnosis of autism. When I saw her tweet I just burst into tears because my psych won't look at screening me for that, even though I presented him with my reasons for wanting to pursue it.

Because the thing is that he is the one who helped me get out of that hell pit of not being diagnosed or treated for bipolar II until I was 31, nor ADHD until I was 36. He has been a huge part of my life and now it feels like when I was in the cult and was taught I should just pray.

And now I have to just go find another psych who will listen to my concerns and my reasons for wanting to pursue this.

This hurts.

#mine #exvangelical #suicidal ideation cw #actually autistic #i am no longer pursuing an autism diagnosis but i'm putting this here for posterity #reposting everything from my twitter feed #i'm about to delete everything so get it while it's hot #tweet: 2018 #molly's mad life

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yoiku · 2 months

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Man, last week... started off optimistic and ended up in the pits kinda.

We made plans for me to join a 15 month course to find fitting job(s) with the aim of going to said jobs and trying them out. Sounds good and is something i am interested in, but after friday all i've been thinking is that maybe it's too much too soon. I'm still thinking if i can manage 3 days of workshop/week instead of 2... so diving into something that can have 4-5x 6hr days/week is making me very anxious and already feeling bad if I end up not having the energy to do it. I think its the main thing that has dropped my mood bc I know that the chances of me getting a part-time job in any of the fields that interest me and are something i could be able to do physically, is pretty nonexistent. All of those fields have severe oversupply of potential workers against the amount available jobs, in the entire country. So the chances of getting employed as someone who doesn't have any substancial studies in the field, isn't able bodied or mentally okay... Lets just say it isnt exactly an encouraging thought. I just feel like no matter what I am entirely useless when it comes to any employment that i feel i could perhaps be able to do. If an able-bodied, neurotypical and socially capable person with a suitable degree can't get a job in those fields, what are my chances? lol. I dunno. Already feels like a failure if I muster up the courage to say that I feel like I've said OK to things that I'm not actually sure about. I'm sure they'll understand if I say i'd rather focus on getting back into 3 workshop days and trying to progress my rights for therapy for now. I don't know. I feel conflicted with my own thoughts. Part of me thinks I should give it a go even if I drop out - id at least be certain that it was too much. But I also know how heavily dropping out from anything hits me mentally, so i am genuinely afraid of seeing the bottom of the pit again. The psychologist at the current evaluation course did say she thinks taking things as slowly as needed is probably the best for me considering everything they've summed up abt me so far. I'll try to talk about it at least.

On a less depressing note, the results from the various psych/neuro tests were partly curious. My mathematical skills being extremely below average wasn't a surprise, lmao! But I found it curious that the one that was the highest above average was linguistic skills, followed by the less surprisingly above average spatial awareness that involved shapes, patterns and other stuff that i think any artistic person would excel at. Accuracy was great but speed was awful, lmao. Overall I scored pretty average on the cognitive side. Worth noting is that I am medicated now and I did take my adhd meds on that day as well, so that likely helped slightly with the accuracy and overall concentration. (a lot of the tests had a time limit) Interesting tests though, and I'm glad it gets written up into my files as well, because it's more proof to the fact that my autism is mostly affecting me on the social side of things. I would be really interested to take the same tests in a busy/noisy environment or with some sort of forced interrupts like someone asking you something entirely different suddenly and see just how much of a disaster that would be trying to get back into focusing on the test tasks then, lol. That's morely likely how things are after all if we think of these tests as a measure of how will you get by in the world of working a job, unless you really have a job where you get to work alone in a perfect environment for yourself. (man i love making art at home)

#shut up yoi

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vergess · 3 months

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Hi can I ask if you know more about those 4-5 major kinds of sleep aides? Because I have tried several, all prescribed, and uh. "hangover" doesn't even begin to describe what they do to me. we're talking taking half of the smallest dose, and still sleeping for half a week. I've had insomnia my whole life as well as inattentive ADHD and every medical professional with the ability to prescribe me things immediately wants to shove a sleep aide down my throat as soon as they learn this about me and now I'm wondering if I've just gotten unlucky and only gotten the Bad Kinds (for me). (I'm guessing this is sort of like how SNRIs fuck up big time but SSRIs either don't do anything or do only a little bit to me)

I'm NOT a doctor, and this is NOT medical advice, just my personal experiences.

You prooobably don't need sleep medication, but rather, need a stronger stimulant/extended release/a second dose before bed.

I know that sounds contradictory. Take uppers to fall asleep???

But if you have ADHD and you're having reactions that bad, then the sleep meds are interfering with your already suppressed (by the ADHD) brain function.

See, it turns out, sleep is one of those things you need to focus on to do, but most ADHDers don't have any stimulant/focus left in them by bedtime. So instead of falling asleep, they drift into complicated ("buzzing") thoughts and keep themselves distractedly awake, often with bonus anxiety.

If that sounds like you, I would suggest an experiment.

Next time you have 2 days off in a row, skip your ADHD meds on morning #1 (yes your function that day will suffer from being unmedicated! That's why it's on a day off), and instead take them right before bed that night.

Then, do whatever you can to make yourself comfortable that does not include the internet or video gaming. I exclude those two options because they are almost custom designed to overstimulate and sinkhole an ADHDer's mind.

I recommend taking a hot shower, listening to some music or podcast, or practicing your daydreaming skills by hypothesizing on your favourite characters or tropes (also known as "meditating on a subject" instead of "mindfulness meditation").

Once you can feel the stimulants kicking in, lay down and try to drift off.

If you're lucky, and it turns out you just need a second dose before bed, you'll wake up the next morning feeling almost medicated and surprisingly functional, and you can take your morning #2 dose as normal.

Then, you can report to your doctor that you tried taking your meds before bed, it helped your sleep, and you'd like to get a second dose prescribed for bedtime use. Your doctor may be unfamiliar or uncomfortable with this because stimulant medications have a bad reputation and ADHD does too. In that case, you can ask about splitting your existing dose in two instead.

Otherwise, I unironically suggest having a coffee or energy drink before bed. It's not as good, but caffeine can help in a pinch. (Actually, if you've ever noticed that coffee makes you sleepy, you can probably skip this experiment).

If you're unlucky and the stimulant keeps you awake instead, then day #2 is also a day off and you can do whatever you need to recover from the experiment, be that napping or going to bed early etc.

If the experiment fails, and you've had such poor reactions to sleep meds, then it's time to consider that you don't have insomnia, but instead one of the many other sleep disorders comorbid with ADHD. These include delayed sleep phase, narcolepsy with insomniac symptoms (I have this), or atypical circadian rhythm (the GF has this one).

None of these are well treated with sleeping pills. In fact, all of them tend to be worsened by sleeping pills, in contrast to traditional insomnia.

But they do respond fairly well to two things: light boxes, and melatonin, both of which are available over the counter or prescribed.

Using a light box when you wake up, and taking a single dose of melatonin 4 hours before you want to sleep (eg: 6PM dose for a 10PM sleep time) will take about 2 weeks to show results.

But it can make a staggering difference in sleep quality for delayed sleep phases and circadian rhythm disorders. Basically what you're doing is violently forcing your body to have a "correct" circadian rhythm by using artificial melatonin to start the sleepytime process, when your natural supply isn't working.

The light therapy meanwhile acts as an artificial Morning much more concentrated than a usual morning (though in the summer you can just sit facing the sun for half an hour with your eyes shut instead), which trips the body-wake-up systems that are usually suppressed or disrupted. It's a sort of "jump start" for systems that exist but don't start when they're supposed to.

Of course, all of this assumes you don't suffer from sleep apnea.

Sleep apnea, the king of sleep disorders, will completely fuck you no matter what you do until you get a CPAP mask. There's just no way around it. It's super common, and if you sleep alone (not with partners) it's also super easy to never notice you have it.

People associate sleep apnea with being fat, but actually it's very common across all weights, because it's caused by a small deformation in your tongue or throat. When your body fully relaxes, these slightly deformed muscles end up completely closing your airway.

Sleep apnea is as easy to diagnose as it is hard to notice, fortunately!!

The doctor gives you a little oxygen meter to wear while you sleep one night (at home, even! No sleep lab needed!) and if your oxygen drops below a threshold, that's apnea baby.

Because apnea prevents you from actually sleeping for more than a few minutes at a time (though you usually won't wake up all the way to notice it), it tends to make you feel like death itself if you take sleep medications. This is because your body is loaded up on sleepytime chemicals but physically cannot sleep, and thus cannot process out the chemicals, so you'll feel like you stayed up 2 or 3 nights for every night you "slept" (passed out) with the pills.

#Asks #Answered asks #foggysharkstarlight

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thirddeadlysin · 1 year

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this year i have to switch to a new pharmacy bc the old one won't take my insurance anymore but that means i have to physically go to a new place and i just really don't want to. if i don't go everything is worse but if i do go everything is still bad and idk what I'm doing and have to talk to strangers and learn new rules and things

everything about needing this medication to function is terrible, and it isn't even one that actually is physically necessary to keep me alive like insulin! can't afford it without insurance, insurance makes everything more difficult and stressful, going without the meds makes my ability to do anything even worse than the frankly miraculous medicated level of "barely existent"

every month I have to remember to personally contact my doctor to ask for a refill she already prescribed (while all my other prescriptions can be managed by the pharmacy without me doing anything INCLUDING the one time heavy duty narcotic i got and never filled for recovery after surgery) but the state pharmacy board and medical board and insurance company require her to personally re-prescribe every month but only if my disorganized and forgetful clinically diagnosed executive dysfunction-having ass can manage to ask for it. i ALWAYS ask too early because i also can't perceive or manage time, and am anxious about not getting the new meds in time, so i always get either ignored by the doctor's office or denied by the insurance company or the pharmacy and spend 2-14 days extra stressed that my current meds will run out before they let me have more which usually has the fun result of making my level of functional about as low as it is when the meds do run out

and why? because they think i might sell it to college kids who want to study and/or go to raves i guess? my dearest darling bureaucracies, i would rather eat glass than give up one of the pills that lets me sit a little closer to the "not living in a pit of my own filth and depression" side of the line

anyway I finally got my shit together enough to try going to the new pharmacy on this fine saturday afternoon and they're already closed for the rest of the weekend 🙃 🙃 🙃 but that's fine because they only have some of my meds bc guess what!!!! i asked too early for one of the adhd meds and have to wait for the doctor to feel like she can authorize the refill without getting her hand slapped 🙃 🙃 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

#venting #adhd #I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiired #it's v funny that they're also so scared i'll abuse/get addicted to a stimulant that literally I forget to take AND can comfortably nap on

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fallinto-u · 4 months

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Sitting and trying to distract myself through a panic attack, I was scrolling and came across this video. As I listened and compared to the things that have been happening, huge part of me was resisting. But then also realized that in the past, after the worst of times and sometimes a huge reset, things did change for the better. Or if not better, into a different direction at the very least. Another direction eventually came with new opportunities.

If you remember, we talked about this resisting feeling when it came to trying to finish the Frequency book. That resisting feeling towards hope and positivity has been strong for quite a while. But watching this reminded me back of the mindset we once were able to have. It may have changed, and it may all seem pointless right now as we’re going through the worst. But being reminded of what my mind was once capable of, what state I could get into, gave me a little spark of hope and insight again. A small, very small dose of hope. And that’s scary, I may push it away and sabotage right after this again. But maybe with small repeated glimmers of these moments, it may eventually be rebuild again. Bit by bit.

It may sound cliché what's being said in the video but as I thought deeper about my situations, I do see some truth to those words. I do see that I'm literally being pushed into certain directions that wouldn't have motivated me enough if I had stayed in the exact same place. For example, my situation at home getting even way worse and more overwhelming has finally actually pushed me to take steps towards moving out. I don't know how I'll get there, it overwhelms and scares me, but at least I am taking action because I literally cannot stay in this environment for much longer.

As well as my mental health getting at the lowest I imagined it could get. If it didn't get this far, I would have been too anxious, resisting trying out new medication. Now I literally don't have a choice, and can't get that much more anxious on top of what I experience every single moment anyway. The new meds may hopefully benefit/support me in the long run to feel at least a little less anxious going through life.

Last example, and I'm sorry for oversharing and ranting here. But if I didn't get burnt out from life, being stuck at home almost unable to socialize at this point, I wouldn't have found my current therapist. This is the first therapist who comes with the insight that she's pretty sure I have autism and adhd. Adhd I suspected but autism? Completely new insight. But the more I learned about it, the more everything made sense. I thought of our conversations on topics related to that as well. A lot of things fell into place.

Yes all these examples seem to be a blessing in the end,but I haven't experienced them as such yet. I'm honestly still in the midst of hell and I'm afraid you are too. But this is the first time I'm at least able to see things in a different light.

If we were still talking I would’ve sent you the video. Not to force you to be positive or feel hopeful or any different. Rather just to remind you that once it was possible. To remind you that if you would ever want to, it is still available and out there for you. No matter how far you’ve wandered. You can always find your way back to a more stable path, or create a new one. In one of your voice messages I've recently listened to in a moment of despair, you said "You're never too far gone. It's never too late, I promise ". Also something along the lines of that even after the worst of storms, earthquakes and wars, people always rebuild. No matter how awfully destroyed everything is.

I’m always rooting for you. It’s fucking hard, but you’re doing damn well holding on every single day. No matter how you need to get through right now. I'm trying to remember and do the same. Each day we survive is a huge accomplishment, no matter how we had to make it work. You’re still here and trying. I’m proud of you always.

#Instagram

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mindmeltonabun-blog · 3 years

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Doom At Your Service: Analysis & Theories for EPs 7-8

Welcome back to another edition of analyses and theories time with me! I’m going to try and keep this post as short and as simple as possible. In case I don’t, I apologize in advance! Also, sorry if this post is filled with grammar mistakes and confusing syntax...I'm writing/editing this late at night and my ADHD meds have lost their effectiveness.

Anyways Eps 7-8 was pretty awesome and I’m glad that a bunch of my previous theories had come true! For those who wonder how I come up with some of these theories, I just look at everything whether it be big or small. I also try to look for connections and patterns. At the same time, I try to understand the motivations of characters and what is the big picture the writer is trying to paint. Once you're able to do all of that then you can predict where the story is going. This is how for the most part I was able to predict the events and endings of shows like TOTNT and TKEM. Anyhow, let’s get down to analyzing and theorizing! Turn on those thinking caps!

What the Rock Balancing Structure Represents

Rock balancing is a form of art that involves a person placing a combination of rocks in an arrangement. To achieve balance of the rocks, one must be very patient and compassionate. In its completion, the structure represents that while things may appear impossible, they are actually possible. So what seems impossible, but can actually be possible? Hmmm probably Myul Mang learning what it means to be human and ending up becoming human. Notice that both the rock art is next to the plant and the story of Pinocchio? It's saying saying that the impossible can be possible. It's possible for Myul Mang to be able to learn what it means to be a human so that the impossible can happen...he can "grow" up to becoming a real human.

The whole rock balancing structure could also signify that in order to grow, one must overcome one's deepest fears. I don't know about you all, but stacking rocks is a scary thing especially since at any moment the whole thing could fall over. Anyways, if you remembered, Myul Mang had been searching everywhere for Dong Kyung and feeling like one of his worst fears (Dong Kyung not existing) had came true. It's only when he goes to Dora's hospital room and sees both the Pinocchio book and rock structure that he got Dora's lesson. And that's why afterwards you didn't see Myul Mang going on another search for Dong Kyung somewhere else.

A brief digression. I’ve seen multiple people theorizing that the plant and the butterfly represent Dong Kyung and Myul Mang respectively. To them I say, did you just completely miss the part where Dora says the plant is Myul Mang? Myul Mang is both the butterfly and the plant. For those who still don’t see that, let me break it down.

First, what do butterflies symbolize? They symbolize metamorphosis, death, and rebirth. Myul Mang is not a literal butterfly, but he will eventually be one in a metaphorical sense. If anything, Myul Mang right now is like a caterpillar on the verge of entering the cocoon stage that is followed by a reemergence as a butterfly aka human. You can also look at it this way, Pinocchio is a butterfly too. Why? Well, look at what happens to Pinocchio. He is reborn as a real boy after having gone through metamorphosis (puppet -> real boy).

Now let’s examine the plant symbolism. What do plants represent in DAYS? They represent humans. What is Dora growing? A human Myul Mang..DUH!! Sorry, but I didn’t think it was that hard of a concept to grasp especially since Dora has already explicitly said what she is growing in that one scene. For Myul Mang to grow up to become a "good" human, he needs to learn to think about others, forgive himself, be compassionate (not only towards himself, but others as well), love others, etc. Other things Myul Mang would probably need to learn is how to love his fate or amor fati (loving your fate means loving it all, not just the good parts, but the bad parts too; loving it so much so that you would never want to change anything about it and would gladly relive your life the way it was over and over again for all of eternity).

I don’t think the "plant" will fully "blossom" until Myul Mang sacrifices himself to save Dong Kyung for the sole reason that he loves her (in contrast to sacrificing himself for his own personal gain). Therefore, that's probably the final lesson -- how to be completely selfless.

Dora just wants her son to grow up to be a "good" plant (human) so she doesn't have to end up pulling him out aka end him before he even becomes human! Okay???

Sorry if what I've just said was confusing. What I meant to say is that Myul Mang's personal growth is reflective in the plant's growth. The more he learns of what it means to be a "good" human, the more the plant will grow until it blossoms into a beautiful flower (a real human).

If we want to connect the idea of personal growth to the story of Pinocchio, we see that Pinocchio's growth occurs only after he experiences pain (physical and emotional) and love. From these experiences, he learns what it means to be a "good" boy and is rewarded by the Fairy transforming him into a real boy.

One Wish or Wishes?

In my previous post, I had briefly touched upon how I think Dong Kyung is going to wish for brain cancer to be cured. Though I still think this, I nevertheless want to explore some of the other possibilities of what her wish could be.

Potential Wishes:

1) Myul Mang to Become Human

2) More Wishes

3) Contract to be Voided

4) No One Remembering Her After She Dies

For #1, Dong Kyung wishes Myul Mang to become human, but then she still dies from her untreated brain cancer…so nope. For #2 and #3, are these wishes even allowed? I would like to point out some flaws of the writer. Maybe it’s not so much a flaw, but an annoyance I have with the writer of DAYS. What one can or cannot wish for is not explicitly stated. Due to this, it is somewhat difficult for me to accurately predict what Dong Kyung will wish for. It’s like trying to detect a substance without being given its upper and lower limits or range of detection (sorry for the science related analogy) ! For #4, I guess this one could be probable, but there is just too much evidence pointing to Myul Mang's death. After exploring each of the possibilities, I'm still left thinking that Dong Kyung's one wish will be to cure her cancer.

Anyways, even if Dong Kyung wishes for her brain cancer to be cured, it’s not really a happy ending since Myul Mang still dies. Is there any other way for Dong Kyung to make another wish so that she can save Myul Mang? I think there is and it comes in the form of the “gift” that Dora gave Dong Kyung. In my previous post, I had theorized that the marble may have a larger purpose than just being a symbol of how the fate of the world is Dong Kyung hands. I believe now that the marble’s larger purpose is that it is a type of wish fulfilling stone. Why? Because we know fantasy dramas typically make references to mythology. In this case, the writer of DAYS is probably referencing Hindu mythology.

In Hindu mythology there are 3 main gods:

1) Brahma: The Creator

2) Vishnu: The Preserver

3) Shiva: The Destroyer (Sounds like Myul Mang right? Also, the love story between Shiva and Parvati is somewhat similar to that of Myul Mang and Dong Kyung’s love story.)

Dora is the equivalent to the god Vishnu in Hindu mythology. Vishnu is often depicted wearing a “Cintamani”, a type of wish fulling stone analogous to the Philosopher’s Stone (hint hint…transforms something from one form into another…immortal -> human) in Western mythology. Given this, the marble/Cintamani in Dong Kyung's possession could be the key to Myul Mang’s rebirth.

Some might ask, “Well why can’t Dora just use it to wish for her son to be reborn as a human?”. Well, remember that both Dora and Myul Mang are slaves to the wishes of humans. They themselves cannot fulfil their own wishes or desires. Meaning, even though Dora and Myul Mang can wish for something to happen, they cannot carry it out unless humans wish it too. Also, as I mentioned previously, deities in kdramas never just give humans gift because they’re being nice. Rather, they give gifts to humans so that humans can help them accomplish their overall goals/wishes.

So putting it all together, do you see where I’m going with this? Dora has the same wish as Dong Kyung which is for Myul Mang to live, but Dora is unable to execute her goals/wishes unless Dong Kyung wishes it too. Dora knows that Dong Kyung will probably use her one wish to cure her brain cancer. At the same time, this leaves her son, Myul Mang, to die. Therefore, Dora gives Dong Kyung the wish fulfilling marble with the intention that Dong Kyung will use it to wish for her son, Myul Mang, to be reborn as a human. With Dora/Dong Kyung’s wish, Myul Mang will be free from his cursed life as an immortal and be reborn to be able to live happily with Dong Kyung.

Side note, the rebirth of Myul Mang into a human can either be dependent on Myul Mang's personal growth or it can be dependent on this wish fulfilling stone or both! I'm leaning more towards his personal growth as being the catalyst for his rebirth, but who knows! It very well could be that the marble has a role to play in his rebirth.

Is Dong Kyung Going To Be An Immortal?

No…no…and NO!!

Some might ask why don’t I think this? Well, for a bunch of reasons. I’ll admit I used to think that it would be very romantic for a human to become immortal so that they can be with their immortal lover forever. However, the more I thought about it, I came to the realization the notion of forever is not romantic nor beautiful. At its core, the concept of eternity is quite terrifying and ugly. And if you haven’t realized already, the writer of DAYS has been making multiple arguments against immortality. For anything to have meaning, it must have an end. In this sense, the end is beautiful.

To get my point across, I want you to try and think about some things. What keeps life meaningful? Experiences? People? Well, imagine doing something you love for a year. Now imagine doing it for trillions or zillions of years. Experiences no matter how good they are at first will eventually become tedious if you do it for long enough. For example, eating your favorite dish may be good for a while, but not for zillions of years. At one point or another, you ultimately lose your desire to want to eat it or eat entirely for that matter.

Now surely getting to know people and loving them can keep your life meaningful right? Well, how many times do you think you could handle knowing and loving people who eventually disappear? Eventually, you grow tired of crying and mourning over dead loved ones that you become numb. Now imagine being Dong Kyung. She would have to witness her family, their family, and so forth dying over and over again for all of eternity. Doesn’t that seem tortuous? Sure, one could argue that at least she has Myul Mang with her, but do you really think her love for him could sustain her forever? The relationship between Myul Mang and his mother, Dora, is a prime example of how a loving relationship could turn sour over a great deal of time. The gift of immorality Dora bestowed on Myul Mang became a curse instead of a blessing. So why would Myul Mang want to give Dong Kyung something that was basically a curse for him? As for Dora, she probably wouldn’t want to give Dong Kyung the same gift after seeing what it did to her son.

If you continue to think that Dong Kyung will become an immortal being, did you really smell what the writer of DAYS was cooking or did you just smell what you were cooking?

The Bad Case of the Riddles

From what I have been reading on multiple platforms now, it would seem that a lot of people are rather confused about a lot of things. It’s understandable! Throughout the show, the writer has presented some complex philosophical concepts that may be difficult for some viewers to grasp. To further add to the confusion, the characters at times do speak in what appears to be riddles. This I believe may be one of the major flaws of the writer. She has to consider that her audience are probably people who have never read any philosophical works before. Most viewers aren’t here to decipher cryptic messages or see how they’re connected to some major philosophical concepts such as eternal recurrence, existentialism, nihilism, amor fati, etc. Most are here to shut off their tired brain and enjoy some good fantasy romance! I know I’m totally one of those people!

Needless to say, I did find myself in a debate of whether I should discuss some philosophical concepts referenced in the show as to help you all gain a better sense of understanding. However, I concluded that it would take too much of my time to do so. Additionally, despite my best efforts to use the simplest of words, I found that whatever I had already written may have still been confusing to the everyday reader. Anyways, if there are any particular scenes or dialogue you all want to me go over, please feel free to use the ask button and I’ll do my best to try and answer them!

Whats Going to Happen Next?

Probably more filler type stuff aka more bs. It's common in kdramas for characters to go back and forth on their initial decision of whatever. Dong Kyung is going to break up with Myul Mang because she loves him and doesn't want him to die. And before the breakup, she's going to give him some good memories to remember her by. Following this, she's going to try and love herself so that she's the one that ends up dying and her wish is going to be for everyone to forget her? Okay......Zzzzzzz!! Idk... Dora is probably going to intervene somehow to get Dong Kyung and Myul Mang back together again.

Other Random Thoughts

What I think would be interesting to learn about is the connection between Dong Kyung's parents death and Dora past self's death. It wasn't just all a coincidence that they both died on the same day. Who knows... maybe Dong Kyung was meant to be in the car that day with her parents, but Dora's past self sacrificed herself to change Dong Kyung's fate.

Also, I still don't think Dong Kyung is going to die, I mean you got her brother praying to the deities that she lives!

Okay, I'm done. I wrote this in Microsoft Word and it was 5 pages long. My brain is dead. There's probably something I should've gone over or elaborated more about, but oh well. Thanks for reading this disjointed post!

#doom at your service #doomatyourservice #myulmang #myul mang #tak dong kyung #takdongkyung #park bo young #parkboyoung #seo in guk #seoinguk #pinocchio #DAYS #theories #my brain is melting

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ratsoh-writes · 3 years

Note

I have a feeling I'm either going to get Honey or a Horrortale skele, so here we go for Matchups! -🍊

Personality

-introverted

-nervous/jumpy/sensitive

-artistic/creative

-very sleepy. I stay up till 5am and sleep till 2pm.

-helpful! I like feeling needed lol.

-sensitive. I have an abusive mother im in therapy for, so I need someone soft :(

Hobbies

-im very artistic! I love drawing, painting, listening to music, even making it, anything that keeps my hands busy and my ADHD at bay.

-minecraft! I've just downloaded the game, I've had it for a year now, and I love the building in it lol. The mobs scare me tho.

-rps!!! I LOVE roleplaying!!!! Rpg games, DnD, hell, I even have a few oc based text rps on discord I'm into. It gets me SO excited when I make up little stories with my friends, the gremblin in my enjoys shiny new universes

Dislikes

-Snarky/teasing/snappy jokes, or being teased in general. I'm a sensitive person who takes a bit too much to heart. Mal and Red scare me.

-loud noises/crowded areas. Another trama trigger for me, I feel trapped in a situation and it makes me paranoid. I'd rather sit outside and watch a thunderstorm than go to a local fair.

-being pushed out of my comfort zone and/or being forced to get in contact with family I've kicked out of my life, the whole 'well family is family!' saying means jack shit to me. I've put my demons at bay, I don't want someone to push me out of my comfort zone, or else I feel sick with nerves. I don't like traveling or being around a lot of people, I'd rather just text someone than see them face to face, words come easier then. Brain weird.

Deal breakers

-anyone who forces me to be social. I have anxiety, leave me be dammit. If someone kept pushing and complaining about it, it would make me feel guilty and blegh. Let's not go down that rabbit hole.

-cheating, I have a low image of myself, I don't need someone flirting with others or being all handy with them. Once the wound it made, I'm not letting the knife near me again.

-someone who yells a lot. Loud voices, especially male ones, make me panicked and scared. If Edge ever lectured me I would simply. Cry.

-someone violent, which is a given. Sorry mafia men, but blood scares me. I'm a wheeny.

-someone forcing me to change. I'm chonky, so being forced into a diet or something would make me think low of myself, I couldn't stay with someone like that. Or someone pushing me to get anxiety meds or giving me a bedtime. I like my independence and I'm working on myself, I don't need to be pressured to do it faster.

-passive aggressiveness, it makes me confused on what to say in an argument and that junk.

Flaws

-most of these have already been said, but I'm introverted with low energy, I don't like going to big events or traveling away from home.

-sensitive. Any jokes aimed at me can and will be obsessed over to oblivion, I'm not the teasing type.

-awkward. I was kinda isolated as a kid, so social skills are hard. Don't expect me to pop up on conversations all the time, I mostly listen to what my friends say and nod along.

-hygene. This is also something I'm working on. I've had depression episodes that sometimes still surface, sometimes it's hard to even leave my bed, let along brush my teeth, hair, etc. Some days I'm just not feeling it. I also come from a neglectful house, so I wasn't even raised with those habits. But I'm trying, and that's what I'm focusing on. Don't be like 'ewEwW yOu HaVeNt BrUsHeD yOuR TeEtH tOdAy?!' That's both hurtful and annoying, life sucks man

-god aweful at spelling, sorry rat

Attraction

-someone who's soft and caring. I never had a motherly figure, and I'm too old now for my dad to watch me like a toddler, so I want to feel the love I mostly missed out on. Not babied or anything, just loved and cared for. Hug me, please. Alternatively: aha mommy kink go brr

-cuddly/affectionate. I need to feel wanted, since I was raised in a house that I wasn't, so words of reassurance are really nice, especially if that person wants to be around me close enough to cuddle

I tried making this as neat as I could, since I tend to ramble a lot, so I hope this layout is easy to read! Tell me if I need to add any physics stuff, thank you for the matchup! -🍊

Alright, you were right on probably getting a horror lol. I think the best fit for you is……..BASIL (horrorswap papyrus)!

Here’s the tricky bit. Getting to know basil is here. He’s also extremely anxious, to the point where he’s practically non-verbal to anyone he doesn’t know. But once you do get close enough for him to crush and even confess, you’ll get to see a butch more protective and attentive side to him. Basil is a protector at his core and actually prefers a timid SO unlike honey who likes confident and organized characters.

Basil would be great at balancing between encouraging you to be your best self and not being too pushy. Gentle is basically his main personality trait. And considering who it is here, it’s hard to feel nagged with him being the one giving you those gentle reminders.

You like cuddles? You’re getting your cuddles. Basil is shy about touch so it’s up to you to initiate, but when you do, you’ll find that he’s pretty much touch starved. He likes having you in his lap the most. Basil has mild insomnia so cuddling with a SO is the best way to help him doze off

Basil hasn’t been introduced to the wonderful world of video games yet. Minecraft would be a great starter! If you manage to get him into it, he’ll wind up getting addicted to sims most likely. Or FarmVille. He likes chill games

One important thing about dating basil is that your basically going to have to go vegetarian. You can eat meat outside the house when he’s not around, but the sight and taste of raw meat is a trigger for him. Luckily he’s a wonderful cook and makes up for it in his baking and pasta ;)

I was also thinking of rust and possibly slim for you. (Yes I know slim is a mafia but he’s great at keeping his work hidden)

#matchups #horrorswap

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ssadumba55 · 3 years

Text

FAQ and Rules for Requests

Since there has been a lot of confusion recently surrounding requests, I'm going to clear everything up here. I may add to this as time goes and the link for this will go in my bio along with my carrd and Masterlist links.

FAQ Portion

How do I know if you got my request?

Chances are if you submitted it, I received it. I take a long time to finish requests, so you may not see it done for several weeks to a month. If I open requests again and your request has not been done, you may feel free to ask the progress or ask if I received it. But please don't pester me.

Are requests open?

Look at my pinned post; there is a thing that says Requests and next to it is the status of them. Currently, they are closed, but I always make sure let you know ahead of time when it will be opening and give 1-2 days to make sure everyone requests before I close it again.

Why do you take so long to finish requests?

There are many reasons but the main one is I am super ADHD. I don't have meds for it, so my time management skills and self regulation are all wacky. This means that I do things randomly and in really short bursts. Motivation is super hard to find and often slips away really quickly. I'm also really busy with work and working on a portfolio for my chosen field. I don't always have the time to be writing.

Do you write for [insert media here]?

Take a look here . If it's not on the list, you may still ask but keep in mind it's almost always definitely going to be a hard no. That list is updated and maintained frequently, so there's no way it will be outdated or not have things I write for on it (there are some exceptions though, I did forget to add Scooby Doo!).

Can I request/DM you my request while requests are closed?

No. I either will refuse to write it and tell you this or simply delete your request and move on with my day.

Is there a list where we can see the requests you still need to finish? Can there/Will there be one?

No. I used to have one but it stressed me out and made me feel like I had to do things in a certain order. As someone whose muse/motivation fluctuates, it's important for me to be flexible and so I don't always do requests in their proper order. I don't want this to be held against me or be accused of favoritism, so there will be no list ever.

Do you do requests in order?

As I said above, no. I do not. I do get every request done but I do what my muse and motivation will allow in the moment. I never want to force myself and make this feel like a chore.

How many people run this blog?

This blog is completely and utterly managed by me, Milo. I am the only one with the password, all of the posts and I read every request/ask personally. At one point, I had a friend helping me handle the load.

Rules for Requesting

No smut, NSFW, adult content. That content is fine and dandy but I do not enjoy writing it. I am asexual and can't even do it properly anyway.

No Animal character X Human! Reader in a romantic way. This includes but is not limited to: Mickey Mouse and Friends, Zootopia characters, Looney Tunes, Winnie the Pooh and Friends

No Child character X Adult! Reader in a romantic way. I have never gotten a request like this (and hope I never do), but I will not write pedophilia on this blog. MAPS please do not interact.

Please limit requesting to 1-3 requests per inbox opening and do not make them all the same character! This is just a preference thing but I'd rather not write one person like 7 different Giulia Marcovaldo requests or whatever haha.

Like I said above, do not spam/pester me to finish your request. That will actually demotivate me and I probably will take longer to finish it.

Another preference thing, but if you could add a bit of detail to your requests I would be much obliged. Getting generic requests (ie. Jack Skellington X Reader headcanons) makes it really hard for me to come up with things. I am creative but it's hard to know what you want if you don't specifically tell me. I'm trying to provide the best content for you!

Hope this all cleared some things up! I'm writing this late so if there are any spelling errors, my apologies. I will edit/fix them when I get up in the morning probably. I will probably also add to it as future things come up, so make sure you check back every once in a while for a refresher!

#rules post #request rules #blog rules #faq #plz and thank you

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xanderwithanx · 3 years

Text

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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pundergrad · 2 years

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Ritalin Report Week 3

By the doctor's instructions, I'm supposed to be starting on a total of 3 tabs per day.

Day 1:

After skipping meds yesterday because I forgot to bring them on my day trip, what better way to make my anxiety skyrocket than to try having 2 tabs per day for the first time. And yes, I took the second dose at 4:05pm because I want to destroy my sleep schedule at this point, don't I.

I was feeling very energetic even by 8pm. Almost like I got a second wind. I was chatty afterwards too, even though I was physically tired. Otherwise, didn't feel any bad side effects today. Pretty sure I was working faster too. Even had a perfectly balanced register. :)

Day 2:

Set aside today to work on the assignment. Even declined a shift for work.

I've had two whole tabs. I've written about 200 words with no research or critical analysis of value. Just pure vibes. Anxiety vibes.

Turns out meds aren't a magic Focus On Your Tasks cure. It's more like a Focus On What You're Thinking And Feeling buff. +5 points on situational awareness, +2 on motivation, +2 on executive functions. However, instead of being confused as a result of the inattentive adhd thoughts tornado, I'm confused about what my next steps are on the assignment.

I know what I need to be doing. But every time I try to do it, it's like trying to melt ice with cold water. Something's happening but it's not helping all that much.

Day 6

Yeah nevermind a daily tracker. Too stressed about my current assignment so I'm just gonna dump side effects and experiences when I feel like it.

Yesterday, was stressed about not being able to do as much assignment work due to other people needing my help, plus some executive dysfunction of getting stuck on tiktok. Had a late afternoon dose (whole tab), and then a coffee too hours later, to keep me engaged during my evening class.

Let me tell you, my heart was racing really weirdly, like, slightly elevated but also there was a butterflies sensation in there. Likely because I had very little water. So I didn't drink the whole coffee at once; instead I sipped over the two hour class and paid VERY careful attention to how my heart felt. It was a bad combination of stress and stimulants.

Cognitively, I was feeling... Less anxious? Just, aware of the circumstances, but not panicking about them.

Anyway, I was very easily kept awake later than usual, and only fell asleep around 2am.

Woke up naturally around 9am feeling very okay. Pre-meds, I would have slept until 10:30 or 11am. Interesting.

Anyway, today I'm not feeling as anxious. I've had one tab and a weak coffee so far, and I've just been working on the assignment in an energised mood.

I definitely feel as if I have more time in the day since starting meds, because I'm not losing so much of it stuck in executive dysfunction. Love that for me.

Lol I forgot to post this draft.

Tldr; I'm doing pretty well on two tabs a day, rather than the prescribed three tabs I'm supposed to be taking by now. I don't really see the need to go up to three tabs because that would mess with my heart too much, and probably make me an anxious mess.

But man. Medicated life is good.

I think I'm feeling a bit of, grief and sorrow for my past self though?

The one who had anxiety attacks over every assignment that she was still writing on the due date, up until the last possible minute, because she couldn't organise her thoughts well enough for reading comprehension to edit her own words.

The one who was so sad to find a little cluster of grey hair at age 20, when school had been the only source of stress and responsibility in my life.

Anyway. Take charge of your mental health when you can, gang. It does wonders.

#adhd #executive dysfunction #studyblr #adhd i #adhd inattentive #diagnosed #employment #first job

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xtruss · 3 years

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The Disabled Doctors Not Believed By Their Colleagues

People often feel nervous when they visit a doctor with some fearing their symptoms may not be believed. But what if you are the doctor, and your colleagues dismiss your disabilities and mental health difficulties? Miranda Schreiber explores this challenging relationship.

When I was 15, I described what turned out to be the neurological symptoms of mental illness to my doctor. I told him I couldn't do schoolwork, feel the cold, or understand a book. He suggested I go on walks if I was stressed.

This breakdown in communication, in which patient and doctor seem to live in different worlds, is well-documented by disabled people. Many feel they have to translate their experience, because disability and medical structures seem incompatible.

But this experience is familiar to disabled doctors too, and some are seeking solutions.

Sarah Islam was a fourth year medical student at Indiana University when she developed a chronic illness which caused exhaustion, chronic pain, and cognitive impairment. She said her symptoms, which didn't tick a specific box, made her feel like she lacked fluency in the medical language she was learning.

'Brick Wall'

"I remember, even as a med student, having the vocabulary to explain what I was going through but feeling like I had hit a brick wall," she says. "I actually didn't know how to describe it."

With her experience of sickness, Islam shifted from believing legitimate illness could be diagnosed to living as a patient with symptoms which didn't fit a clear disease profile.

But she noticed a change in her colleagues too, when she returned to medical school after a period of recovery.

"If I said the word 'pain' [colleagues] took it as coded language for 'I'm lazy' and 'I can't do my work'.

"They would challenge my reality," she says, something which lead her to conceal her symptoms. "I felt like everything I shared was going to be weaponized against me. They would say 'you walked two days ago so why can't you walk today?' Almost like they caught me in a lie.

"The baseline understanding of what it means to be disabled is not there."

This sort of discrimination is often referred to as ableism - which favours non-disabled people over those with disabilities.

It is made all the harder to confront in medicine when disabled clinicians are vastly underrepresented. Disabled people make up about 20% of the population in the UK and US but only 2% of British and American doctors.

Islam says simple accommodations like taking notes in front of patients, or taking the elevator rather than the stairs, were criticised by her advisors as unprofessional. And these same attitudes, Islam explains, manifest in patient interviews.

"It's completely baffling to me how we can expect patients to respect us when we won't even believe what they're telling us.

"It's scary to be viewed as good or bad because you can or cannot work," she says.

Hardeep Lotay, a fifth year medical student at the University of Cambridge and mental health advocate, sympathises with Islam. "There's the idea in medicine you have to stretch yourself further than is reasonable because that's the nature of the profession," Lotay says, who also researches medical racism.

"I took a year-and-a-bit out from the course. In medical school any difference is seen as weakness, and any weakness is taken to mean you're not as good as your cohort. There's stigma in everyone knowing you've taken time off.

"It can be very negative to see the perception of psychiatry patients from your colleagues and seniors."

The attitudes Lotay and Islam experienced were also identified in research by Drs. Havi Carel and Ian Kidd, philosophy professors at the University of Bristol.

They found medical experts often perceive disabled patients as incapable, unreliable, and emotionally unstable, leading clinicians to "downgrade the credibility" of what disabled patients say.

This discrimination can impact treatment decisions and compromise disabled patients' health, increasing their risk of secondary conditions.

'Gaslighting the Patient'

Revealingly, Canada Care Connection, which helps patients find family doctors, found in its team audits that patients with chronic pain took the longest to place, and that some family doctors refused to see "undesirable" patients because of a disability. "They just won't accept them," one Care Connector wrote.

Joanna, a disability activist from New Jersey, has mast cell activation syndrome, also known as mastocytosis. The disorder causes overactive mast cells - which form part of the immune system - which trigger anaphylaxis. Joanna lived without medical support until she was 25 because doctors believed she was exaggerating her symptoms.

"I wish medical students were taught to be open to information disabled patients provide," she says. "It's okay for a medical student or doctor to admit that they don't have the answer. That's so much more helpful than gaslighting the patient."

This is something the University of Michigan is trying to address. Its medical school has started providing students with teaching sessions focused on disability in its entirety - from disability pride to the everyday and justice.

But there are also the disabled activists, medical students and doctors who propose that the breakdown in communication could be reduced if there were more disabled physicians.

"As a disability activist who's proud of being disabled, there's a vocabulary of identity that I can't use with doctors," says Charis Hill, an activist from Sacramento, California. "They think disability is bad. It's what they want to keep you from becoming.

"With a disabled doctor I wouldn't have to explain so much because we're speaking the same language," they say. "My care outcomes would be so much better because I would be understood."

Lotay and Islam have both used their personal experience to guide the way they approach medicine.

"If a patient comes to you and tells you they're completely deflated, you can communicate with them and speak a language of mental health," says Lotay.

Dr. Duncan Shrewsbury, a clinician and senior lecturer at Birmingham University in the UK who has ADHD, agrees.

"We should be systematically looking at how we support and advocate for disabled learners, both at university and postgraduate training levels," he says.

"It wasn't until disabled people chained themselves to the front of a bus [in the UK] that disability legislation started looking at public services needing to cater to people with different abilities," he says, reflecting on the 1995 protests for disability rights.

The University of Michigan has also tried to address barriers by altering its technical standards for admission. Disabled applicants no longer need to demonstrate physical competencies, like being able to lift a patient.

But Islam observes that practicing medicine is only part of the challenge.

"The barriers start before any of us even apply," she says. "If this had happened to me when I was 17 I probably wouldn't have had the energy, or the finances frankly, to apply. It's clear you are not the person wanted in this field."

But with systemic change, things could be different.

The experiences I described to my doctor when I was 15 did not need to be beyond understanding.

Perhaps, rather than recommend I go on walks, my doctor might have said: "I have felt the same way."

— BBC News | Sunday April 18, 2021

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