༺ ♱✮♱ ¨:·Something Stupid-Chapter 3·:¨ ♱✮♱ ༻
A/N: Hii everyone! Sorry this chapter is a little later than usual, burnout happened, school happened, the whole shebang!
This chapter is a doozy though, hope you all will love it <3
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꧁🥀☽💫✶♛🦢♕✶💫☾🥀꧂
The sun rays peek through your window and the birds’ chirps awake you from your slumber.
Or maybe it’s the snoring of a drowsy Adam, who was lying beside you, though you’ve inured yourself to his unconscious noises for ages.
You get up from your bed, just to almost have your legs give way under you, thanks to the fact that you had to be pounded by your husband, as you promised to him.
Last night felt like a chore. You feel really bad for thinking it, but it really did.
You’re not an expert, but sex should feel enjoyable, by all sides involved, but with Adam, it feels like an obligatory activity.
You spend the next 25 minutes brushing your teeth, showering and getting ready for the day. Since there’s nothing to do at home (well, there’s nothing to do at home) you decide that this is a good time to be productive.
You head into the kitchen and scrutinise each and every ingredient that graces your pantry.
“Hmm, maybe this would work…” You grab flour, eggs, milk and a frying pan…
꧁ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ꧂
The smell of buttery pancakes drifts throughout the kitchen. You sit down in your chair and take a bite of your breakfast.
The pancakes themselves were lovely; the consistency was just right and the flavour was something to die again for, courtesy of Heaven’s always perfect ingredients.
Heaven….
‘Perfect’ Heaven.
Up until a few weeks ago, you would have believed that sentimental saying that you hear being thrown around on multiple occasions, but now, those words seem like direct opposites of each other, an oxymoron even.
The mere thought of it sets an uneasy feeling in your stomach.
You shakily finish one pancake, and neatly leave the rest in the microwave.
You have more pressing matters to get on about today, and pancakes aren’t one of them, though you want it to be.
꧁ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ꧂
“Welcome to Heaven, how can I help?” The Saint looks up from his logbook with a face coloured with surprise when he recognises you.
“Y/N! How’ve ya been?”
“I’m doing good,” you smile up at the angel behind the pedestal.
“So, what can I do for the wonderful wife of Adam, hm?” St. Peter clicks his tongue and finger guns.
“Well, Peter, is there a chance you could show me the list of Heaven’s recent residents? There’s a certain person I’m looking for…” Realisation hits you like a truck. Would this information be classified? You wouldn’t know until-
“Yeah sure, here!” The Saint passes you a page with written names and dates.
“This is a list of Heaven’s newest angels from up to a month ago. I hope you find who you’re looking for!”
“Thanks Pete, you’re a Saint,”
“Well, I am Saint Peter after all, ah bye-bye!”
Well that was easier than anticipated.
Now you need a private place to mull it over…
You walk through the brightly lit heavenly streets and bump into someone, sending you and your papers flying.
“Oh my, misss, I am ssssso ssssorry,” The person bends down to collect the papers.
“No, no it’s fine, sorry-” your voice gets stuck in your throat. You take a close look at the person collecting your papers.
The person, or, you should say snake, was sporting a smart coat, top hat, and eyes in his hair?
He was familiar. Where have you seen him before?
Your eyes dilate in recognition.
He was pixel perfect to the mural that Charlie showed you the other day.
“Excuse me for asking, but are you Sir Pentious?”
The snake demon, or angel, looks around before leaning in.
“Depends on who’sssss asssking,”
“Oh uh,” you think for a moment. How do you explain that you know he was a demon, without seeming like a stalker of sorts.
Clearly, this isn’t the subject to have casually in the street.
“Here, let me explain over tea and cookies, hm? My treat!” You grab the hand of Pentious gently and head to the nearest café.
꧁ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ꧂
“And ssso, thisss Adam guy just sssnapped me out of existence, and now I’m here, but without my egg boisss,” Pentious explains while indulging himself with a Pain un Chocolat, eyes welling while doing so.
“Huh, I see. So Charlie’s plan does work,” you mumble to yourself. “And I apologise for my husband, by the way,”
The snake pales, his skin now ashy. “He’ssss, your husssband?” he instinctively pushes away from you in his seat.
“Yes, but don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you. I just promised Charlie that I would help her with the hotel and redemption and all that…”
“Oh I sssee. Here’ss my card if you need anything more,” He produces a card and hands it to you, and you accept it graciously, despite it having a slimy residue on it.
“Great! I have to go now but it was nice meeting you,” you shake his hand and leave the café.
꧁ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ꧂
“So, what’s it like having sex with the first man? What are your orgasms like?”
“Angel, don’t torment the poor girl,”
“Whaat? Just askin’” Angel groans and puts his phone on the countertop of the bar.
Apparently, Charlie has gone AWOL, along with Vaggie and Lucifer, the three people that deserve to be the first people aware of the gratifying information you are holding.
This tension is getting you antsy, but you answer your newfound bestie’s question.
“Overrated to be honest. Not meaningful in the slightest,” Your blunt answer stuns Angel and Husk for a moment.
“What’s this about orgasms?” You turn back to the entrance of the hotel.
Shit.
The one person whom you didn’t want to hear you say that, was standing in front of you, holding about 10 shopping bags, his daughter and his daughter’s partner following suit.
God, what must he think? You want to slam your head into the table, but you refrain yourself.
“Uh Dad?” Charlie taps her dad’s shoulder.
“Maybe let’s refrain from talking your way into the sex life of guests? Anyway, how are you, Y/N? I hope everything’s alright?” Charlie inadvertently snapping you out of your apparent embarrassment.
“Oh yes! Not just alright; absolutely amazing actually. I have important information to tell you so forgive me for my impromptu visit, but it clearly cannot wait,” you practically jump out of your chair, bursting with energy.
My, you haven’t felt this emotion since…
Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
“Well, I did some digging and…” you grab the crusted card from your bag.
“Well, congratulations to you, Miss Charlie Morningstar, Princess of Hell, because your dream is a reality!” You flourish the card to Charlie, and she takes it.
She blinks.
Everyone else blinks.
“Uh, what is this exactly?”
You groan. Fun police much?
“Sinners can be redeemed, I found Sir Pentious in Heaven just this morning,” you concede, impatiently tapping the card.
“Wait really? You aren’t just messing with me?” Charlie’s eyes practically shone with stars.
“Angels aren’t known for that darling.”
As soon as you say that Charlie squeals and jumps up and down, ecstatic.
“Thankyouthankyouthankyooouuuuuu!” She gushes and hugs you extremely tight, constraining your lungs, but you really don’t care.
“This is a pleasant surprise,” You pull away to have Alastor behind you, with that ever-so-familiar-yet-unpleasant grin.
When did he get here?
“Seems like out little Morningstar is becoming quite the entrepreneur,” Alastor places a hand on Charlie’s shoulder, as though they are father-daughter.
Father-daughter, where the daughter’s biological dad is directly beside them.
“Hey, hey now, get your slimy claws off of my daughter, would ya?” Lucifer asks the Radio demon, half laughing.
“Oh? The same daughter you’ve abandoned for countless years on end? The same daughter who had to build this establishment by herself, with no support. The same daughter I’ve been faithful to, in comparison to you? I’ve stuck through thick and thin with her. Hell, I probably fit the Dad position by definition,”
The room is loud with silence; you could probably hear a pin drop.
Alastor’s voice carries those words in a seemingly defensive manner, but you can tell that those words don’t hold any meaning to him.
It seems like you’re the only person to realise that, because with the slam of a door, Lucifer exits the room, leaving an aura of pure anger and jealousy behind.
“Dad!”
“Charlie, maybe you should give him a breath of fresh air-” Vaggie tries pulling her back.
“No! Vaggie, he needs someone to be there with him. God knows what he will do and what if-” Charlie is in a craze to get to the door.
“I’ll go,” you say abruptly. Without question, you go through the door.
꧁ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ꧂
“Hey, it’s really hot out here, you know,” you stand at the garden door, as the king gazes out on Hell’s not-so-perfect landscape depressingly.
Silence.
“Alastor was just pulling your leg back there, he just wanted to piss you off,” you stand beside him, keeping an appropriate distance.
“I know. That’s not the problem. The problem is that-” his voice hitches.
“Go on,”
“The problem is, is the fact he’s not even wrong; I left Charlie with nothing, she had to support herself before help came along, I barely was there for her throughout all of this, until the very last moment, when she didn’t even need me anymore,” The King of Hell rambles, and fidgets with a small yellow thing in his hand. A bird of some sorts.
A duck?
“I can’t do anything right,” he continues.
Okay, you have to stop getting sidetracked by meagre things.
“Lucifer, listen. Yes, you may not have been there for her before, but you’re here now, and you are ready to help. Yes, I know it’s scary, yes I know it’s hard, but I have an inkling that Charlie would love to start having a bond with her father again. Also, you know her and how she is; she isn’t the type to shut you out. Just try to put some work into it, okay?”
That felt like more of a ramble, than advice, but it seems to suffice for the King of Hell.
“Thank you. I really know why Charlie has taken a liking to you…” he trails off, continuing to fidget with the rubber duck. He squeezes it, and it plays a short, spunky tune.
“And see? Atleast you’re doing something small for now, you should take it easy. By the way, that’s the most adorable rubber duck!” You gush at the plastic fellow, earning a smirk from Lucifer.
“Oh? Changing the subject are we?” The fallen angel teases.
Well, that was out of nowhere, but you just go with the flow.
“Yeah, and what? That’s a fuckin’ cool duck, so I apologise for acknowledging that fact,”
“Ah well, I have better. By the way, why are you talking about orgasms to that porn star- I mean Angel, back there?”
Oh yeah. That happened.
“Gee, why does everyone want to know the juicy details of my life? But really,he was just interested in my sex life, that’s all,”
“Interesting. You know I slept with 2 of Adam’s previous wives?”
“Don’t even try,” you give him a playful shove.
“Eh, worth a shot,”
꧁ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ❂♕☻☹☻♕❂ꕥ꧂
You and the blond-haired demon go back inside, giggling about some disastrous function you went to when you were younger, and how you may or may not have been the leading cause.
Thankfully, the only person in the lobby was Charlie, who jumped to hug her father the second she saw the two of you, making them both cry and profusely apologise to one another.
Yeah, maybe it’s a good time to go. Maybe quietly too this time.
You open the portal, and you are back in Heaven again, in front of the pearly gates of the place you call home.
As you open the door and turn into the living room, you nearly jump out of your skin.
“Hey,” The sound of your husband’s voice rings through your ears.
“I ate your pancakes from this morning,”
“Alright. I’ll make dinner soon, but I’m tired right now,” you pave your way to your bedroom, when Adam pulls you back.
“Where were you even?”
“Places,” you try to pull away, but the First Man doesn’t relent.
“Where? You weren’t in Heaven, were you?”
“Alright fine. I was in Hell, cleaning up the mess you and your little play soldiers made by the way,”
“Were you not there the other day? Why are you so attached to this-” Cogs turn in Adam’s head.
“You were with him, weren’t you? You fucking slut,” Adam’s hand swiftly slaps you across the face. A small cut of golden blood streaks down your face.
“What the fuck? Of course Lucifer is gonna be there, you dumbass?! Why do you think I’m gonna sleep with-” You dodge a flying porcelain jug that was headed in your general direction.
“That fucking demon, thinking he’s hot shit and- and all, just fucking whoever he wants-” The Angel starts storming around the living room, just throwing random shit about, like a kid having a tantrum, making colourful insults while doing so.
You sigh and go into the kitchen to make dinner; hopefully Adam would have blown off enough steam by then.
“Oh and- You better not go back there again, you got it?”
“…Fine,” You slam the door behind you.
Clearly, you have to be more furtive about your visits to the underworld.
For now, maybe you should cook some dinner, and a warm bath.
Your back really hurts.
꧁🥀☽💫✶♛🐣♕✶💫☾🥀꧂
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