Lost Kin | Chapter XVI | A Thousand Agonies
Fandom: Hollow Knight
Rating: Mature
Characters: Hornet, Pure Vessel | Hollow Knight
Category: Gen
Content Warnings: body horror, infection, vomiting, surgery without anesthesia, abuse, torture, dehumanization, flashbacks, self-harm, amputation, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks
AO3: Lost Kin Chapter XVI| A Thousand Agonies
First Chapter | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Notes: Ah, and there it is—the chapter you've all been waiting for. This was a struggle to write but I believe it's one of my favorites; I am very proud of the outcome and have been looking forward to showing it off for a long, long time. Take a breath, folks; it'll be Hornet in the hot seat next. Look for another update near the beginning of next month!
○
When the blade sank in, its mind went white.
Then black.
Then gold.
The room swam in and out before its open eyes, flames of light licking at its consciousness. The acid stung and burned and burned and burned, and the knife was a spike of searing ice, sinking deep into the bubbles in its carapace.
A sickly, cloying scent drenched the air, burnt sugar and hot metal, false sweetness and divine rage. Something hot ran down its back, down its mask, down its neck and over its fingers as it clawed at the hideous softness that bubbled from its shell, from its mouth, from its weeping eyes.
But no—no—it must not move—it had not moved—
Over its shoulder, its sister let out a shaky breath and repositioned, her hand coming to rest on its side, a new pain breaking through as she eased the blade back in. Fluid seeped from the wound, hot even against its feverish shell, sizzling, steaming, and the scent grew stronger, choking its throat with a thick sweetness.
You must lie still.
The knife slipped deeper, too deep, and a cool trickle of void joined the flow of golden warmth. A shiver of pain rushed up from deep below, burning out before it reached the surface. And still its sister did not stop, did not pull back. She must have decided to end it, finally; she could find no more use for it. She would take it apart like one of the kills she had brought home, joints severed and limbs removed, chest- and back-plates pried up and discarded until all that remained was void, pulsing gruesomely like a rotten heart—
It did not move, did not try to pull free, though its shade writhed and screamed and beat at the seals holding it in. It forced itself down, as still as if the chains still bound it, as if its father’s voice had spoken the command, as if it was his hands working over it, inflicting a pain it did not understand.
You must lie still.
The pain ebbed for a moment as its sister’s hands lifted, and it inhaled, blinking away the haze that had settled. It had learned this in the laboratory, had learned to breathe lightly, shallowly while Father worked, so as not to disrupt whatever delicate operation he was performing, and to draw in deeper breaths when he pulled back, taking in enough air in the pauses between that it did not faint when he began again. Breathing was something it could control, something it could hold onto when the knives cut too deep or the soul burned too sharply. And for a moment the light seemed to flicker again, from dull blue to burnished silver, and the presence behind it grew brighter, and the air swelled with the sweet glow of soul.
A wet cloth touched its back, clearing away the spilled light. It inhaled deeply again, though the air quivered in its throat, though the new cuts in its back burned with the motion, and it felt a new stream of void seep from the wound.
Its sister’s hand faltered. “It’s all right,” she said faintly, almost too soft for it to hear, the words more for herself than for it. “It’s all right.”
The silence was heavy, the patter of the rain and the rasp of its own breath almost deafening, and then she began again.
It was harder, this time. To hold onto the world, to remain in the room, in its shell, in the present. Its eyelids fluttered, breath scraping, and its hand clenched shut as if yanked by a marionette’s wires. Its claws pierced its own palm with a series of soft pops, the pulse of pain barely felt through the scorch of acid flowing from its shell.
Acid filling its eyes like fiery tears, acid oozing through its veins. Acid surging up its throat as it retched and heaved, acid dripping out between its ash-black teeth.
No. No.
That was then. This was now. This was—this was—
This was the chill touch of its father’s hands, the freezing brush of his soul, the holy fire of his blades burning and burning and burning—
Must not move. Must not… must not…
Something was—something was wrong. Wrong with it. With its mind, its jagged, fevered, fractured, broken mind—
It had no mind. It was void. It was a sheet of glass, a bottomless pool. It did not have thoughts, it did not feel pain, it did not flinch or faint. It did not lie quivering in the dark, seized in the grip of memory. It was a monument. It was a prison. It was an echoing, empty tomb. It did not feel. It did not feel.
And it did not need to tell itself these things. It did not need to repeat them over and over until it believed them. It did not need to suppress its impurities, those flickers of desire or twinges of fear, those things that did not belong to it. It did not need to bury them deep, deep below the surface of its mind where its father would never find them, did not need to stuff them down into the tiniest part of itself, did not need to crumple them cover them up wrap them up tight don’t let him see don’t let him see—
A shallow gasp escaped its throat, a pathetic grab for air, for sanity. It was not in the laboratory. It was not with its father. It was impure, tainted—the king would never have allowed it to keep on living with the touch of the Radiance warping and poisoning it.
That would have been a mercy, perhaps. Compared to this uncertainty, this weakness, this falling-slowly-to-pieces. It could not be sure what it was now, could not look at itself with anything other than revulsion. The infected were to be quarantined and executed immediately, before the plague could spread. It had done its fair share of that duty, had stood over smoldering pyres and breathed air thick with the stench of scorched chitin.
Other bugs had knelt beside those pyres and wept. Families, friends, lovers, brothers-in-arms.
No one would weep for it. It was an object. It was a thing. It was a tool.
What use was a brittle weapon? What good was a broken nail?
It gasped again, all it could manage, lungs filled to bursting with the dream-sweet air. Void-slick claws flexed and spasmed. Its back throbbed, slit open and exposed, nerves frayed and singed and sparking.
Its sister was shaking, her breath trembling in and out as she worked, but she did not stop. When she sponged away the infection, the rag quivered in her hand. When she rose up on her knees for a better angle, a thready sound escaped her throat, halfway between a sob and a sigh.
But she did not stop.
Each broken blister thudded dully, its heartbeat echoed in a dozen gaping wounds. Sparks of phantom pain flashed down its missing arm, tracing seams and joints and claws that had long ago rotted and fallen away. She had not even reached its shoulder yet, where the cysts swelled the largest, where they had eaten away its very shell until nothing but tender skin and frenzied nerves remained.
No matter if she drained the last drop of infection from it, she could not make it pure again. It had failed. It had cracked under the weight that had been placed on it. It had been crushed by the duty it was born to bear.
She should let it die. It could not beg, could not plead—should not even want to. But given a choice between this struggle, this endless pain and this slow unmaking, or the shapeless peace it fell into in sleep, it would choose the latter.
She had not given it a choice.
She wanted it to live.
It had to obey.
It should have died, at the temple.
Why had it not died?
“Hollow.”
It was a long moment before the vessel realized she had spoken to it.
“Hollow.” Her voice sounded thin, almost stretched. Her free hand pressed gently at its side. “Lie back.”
Hollow?
She could call it whatever she wished, of course, but it had never answered to anything but one of its titles. Hollow Knight. Pure Vessel. Weighty, solemn things. This felt familiar, intimate, and a weak alarm sounded in its head at the possibility of attachment, of something that was not permitted.
But the order was clearly meant for it, no matter the name she had used for it.
It forced itself back to the surface, wheezing breaths growing more labored as it leaned back onto the pillows she had placed.
She had taken its hand before it realized, unlatching its claws from their reflexive clench and sinking them into her own forearm. Soul cascaded down, a deluge of cold light, clashing with the roiling dark and sending a rush of panic through its core.
Sister’s soul, sister bright and shining, mortal sister fragile sister it had hurt her—
“Heal.”
The command came through gritted fangs. Her blood welled between its claws, her soul shimmered in its heart, and it lay there useless, gasping, in agony, too shattered to obey.
She pried its claws free, making not a sound as they left blue-black gouges in her carapace, as blood tracked down her arm and out of sight behind her wrist. She wiped its claws with brisk efficiency, clearing both blood and void from the finger-joints. Her words came rushed, harsh, almost angry. “I am unharmed. It is a minor cut. Now focus.”
It was an effort to haul itself back from the depths, to scrape together enough intent to cast the spell. The light brightened, casting lacy shadows on the ceiling, and dimmed again as it healed.
The soul was gone, its claws were clean, its wounds no longer bled. But it felt farther away now than it had been, watching the world through a gray film of exhaustion. Something had drained out of it, some thread frayed to the breaking. And it knew somehow that the next time the memories called, it would be harder to resist.
What if it lost itself entirely? What if it struck out in rage or terror against a foe that no longer menaced it?
Its sister would bear the brunt of its mistakes. Its sister would take the blow meant for another.
And yet it could not stop her.
It was not to question her. It was not to disobey. It must lie still, as she had ordered it.
It was not as pure as it had once been. And it was tired, so tired.
It did not know if it could.
She was turning back to it, now, having finished cleaning her own shell of blood and infection. She freed a hand from the rag she held to lay against its mask, her warm palm resting above its eye, over the crack that ran between its horns. Its next breath whistled thinly, something pulling tighter in its chest, and her mask tilted as if to listen, as if it could speak of what disturbed it.
But the moment passed when her hand lifted, when she exhaled, tightly, and placed the soiled rag in a pile on the floor. She bent over it, fingers probing at the larger pockets on its shoulder, and its neck tightened, chin jerking up a fraction, before it locked itself into stillness.
There was a soft ringing of metal as she picked up the blade.
She took a breath before she cut it open.
Pressure released in its shoulder with a burst of pain that threw streaks of white across its vision. Its other arm twitched, hand once more clenching shut, claws reopening the gashes in its palm. And this time the pain did not stop—did not relent. It mounted, as the acid in its joints flowed free, as its jaw clenched tight and its short, sharp teeth ground together, as its eyes glazed golden and its shade surged up to slam against the seals. The knife was a fang, a claw, a thorn digging deep, and it could not breathe, could not see, could not hold back, could not keep itself together.
Gilded talons, talons hid beneath soft fur, talons that latched into its flesh and crushed and splintered and tore—it—apart
That was then. That was then. This—this—
Searing fire and floating feathers. Ceaseless screams and blinding light. Chains, cold silver chains and cold silver spells, and a cold silver knife that cut and cut and cut—
The infection grows worse.
What happened at the temple?
No no no nononono—
There was nowhere else to go. There were no other memories to take refuge in. There was no more hiding—not from her.
I am sorry, sister…
Between one breath and another, it was back in the Dream.
Reality shriveled to ash. Chains lashed shut around it, and the mad goddess rushed into its head, raging, sobbing, screaming, shrieking, and she did not stop. She had never stopped, not once in the long, long years it had held her, and the only thing worse than the light was the never-ceasing noise.
There was nothing left of it beyond the pain. Her poisonous light burned it all away, draping the world in an omnipresent glow. A creature of void had no place in her Dream. A creature of void had no shadows to shelter in. It was undone in her presence, buried in brightness, drowning in fire.
It had not always been so broken.
At the beginning, it had been stronger. It had been able to resist.
It had denied her. It had denied her for so long.
It realized soon after the Sealing that its training was no use here. Soul-spells only angered her; void attacks melted away; what blows it could land with its nail were brushed off with a violence that flung it backward like a fly swatted out of the air.
A mindless thing surely would not learn. A mindless thing would throw itself at her until there was nothing left to throw. A mindless thing would follow its orders until it could do so no longer.
But fighting back was impossible.
The only strength it had that mattered was the same strength that had enabled it to lie still under its father’s knife, the strength to stand unmoving, at attention, in an empty room from dawn to nightfall, the strength to stagger back to its feet in the arena as the hours dragged on and the blows kept coming.
The strength to outlast her.
And it had tried.
Oh, it had tried.
She could not touch it in reality, not while it held out against her, not while it remained unbroken. She could not manifest in its real body, could not reach out and infect others through its form, until she broke it in the Dream.
And there was the problem. For though it should not have had a will or a mind, something had broken.
It had been torn apart and reshaped, its dream-self murdered and buried and resurrected, while its real body hung abandoned and forgotten beneath the roof of the temple. In her realm it endured endless horrors its living body could never bear—plates ripped up and skin torn open, shell and void bubbling away to mist beneath her heat, gleaming blades of solid light piercing its body like arrows until its heart faltered and its lungs filled with void and its mask split open, releasing a massive, trembling shade that wept and keened in the silent language of the void with all the agony and terror its physical self could not express.
Its living body could not die. But in the dream it never stopped. In the dream it died a thousand times a thousand ways to a thousand different agonies, and the endless repetition never lessened the pleasure she derived from killing it.
Sometimes it became a game for her, to see how quickly she could shatter it, crashing down with her full power on the child borne of her two oldest enemies. Sometimes she would play at keeping it alive, inflicting countless smaller wounds until her patience wore thin or it was crushed under the weight.
Sometimes she mocked its helpless, quivering shade as it circled round whatever ruin she’d made of it. The pools of void, the broken joints, the snapped horns and melted shell. She would laugh, and then she would remake it, and begin again.
But it was not the pain that finally broke it.
It was a memory, soft and silver, barely a blink in the endless, changeless ages of its torment, and she nearly passed it by.
It was the gentle glow of kingslight, the sway of leafy branches, the bright spark of pride in its father’s eyes. It was a moment shared in silence, the only kind of moment the vessel would ever know, but the silence had changed, had been softer, fresher, like a shell after molt, like wings new from the cocoon. It had been a flicker of companionship in an endless life of loneliness, a sense that it could look into another being’s eyes and see awareness staring back at it.
For an instant, its father forgot himself, and it had felt seen, seen, seen.
It buried that memory, shut it away behind spikes and traps and spinning blades, forbade itself from ever revisiting. It knew without needing to be told that this was weakness, knew from the moment its father looked away that this was not something to be thought or spoken of. Whatever had happened between them then, whatever sensation stirred in the vessel’s dead heart, it must be forgotten.
It had not forgotten. It could not forget.
And so when the Radiance’s burning gaze fell upon that memory, and when it froze with slow-dawning dread and horror in awareness of its mistake, she laughed.
The magnitude of her triumph shook the ground from beneath its feet, dropping it headlong into the bright unending sky. The knight tumbled horns over heels, the whistling speed of its fall tearing its breath away, gravity yanking at its gut in a sickening lurch.
And for the first time in decades, it woke.
Its eyelids jerked open, all the aches and complaints of its body falling back into place—shoulders straining tight beneath the armor, neck throbbing from the hanging weight of its head, legs gone numb and hands tingling under its cloak.
Something was different, something new and horrible, and it released a breath that shook and it should not feel this way it should not notice should not know that something had gone wrong but it did and it was it was wrong—
The crack of its carapace echoed in the temple sanctum, snapping plates flinging bits of shell into the dark. A scream rose in its throat, a scream that built and built and never released, pressure swelling in its chest until it seemed it would burst, if only to end its own silence. Only the Radiance’s victory cry broke through, a shriek of effort as she pierced through its shell and drove runnels of acid down its ribs, a hoarse screech clawing up its throat and tearing from its mouth in a reeking fog of orange.
Its left arm went numb, then seared with fire, every nerve blazing into panic. White-hot, then icy black, then pulsing, rotten orange, a sick heat gushing through its veins. Her presence pushed out through its skin, sprouting pustules of acid that sizzled and hissed and spread the plates apart until they split.
The knight’s hand spasmed, a weak jerk of its fingers all that came through before control was totally lost to it. Void splattered its mask as its shoulder burst apart, separating at the joint. More cysts bubbled and swelled, forcing their way out from under its skin.
Its shade battered at its mask in a frenzy, seals sparking and flickering before its eyes, but this was not the Dream. It could not escape here, could not shatter and rise wraithlike from the pieces. It was trapped, bound into its own body, and she would have her way with it.
Even the seals could not hold it together forever, not against the growing pressure of void as the light pushed it aside, not against the frantic thrashing of its shade. A thin line of pain split through the living bone, fine and bright as a razor’s edge, then widened into a blinding fissure, an agony so vivid that it choked on another sound that would never be, another silent wail that died in its empty throat.
It was not empty for long. Golden light choked off its breath and rose over its vision, infection welling through its mask and overflowing from its eyes, but not before it saw its arm detach from its body, void trailing from the severed veins as it plummeted to the temple floor.
It was lost, then.
It was not dead, because it could not die, but it was lost.
It fell into something akin to madness, perhaps. It existed only as an ember in a blaze, a vessel for her rage. It was all of her, her crushing sorrow and incoherent wrath, her piercing regret and cold cruelty and undimmed triumph. For a being that had forced itself into a state of unfeeling, snuffing out every spark of emotion that dared to flicker in its core, the sudden riptide of sensation was a force it had no counter to. It was dismantled, undone, its last moments of consciousness dissolved into screaming agony.
Perhaps it had always been meant to exist this way. Perhaps this pinpoint of blackness, stripped bare of awareness, of perception, of self, was its truest state. Perhaps it was pure now, as it never had been before.
It stared out sightlessly through eyes that saw only orange, exhaled rattling breaths that clouded the air with poison. Its body was no longer its own. It never had been. It had always belonged to those greater than it, to do with as they wanted, and what the Radiance wanted was to pour her light into it, pour and pour and pour until it cracked, until it burst, and her holy fire flooded free.
And then.
And then.
No.
The seals began to break.
Not all at once, but one by one, with dragging days and weeks in between, agonizing hours filled with silence so complete that it forgot it had heard anything at all.
But the sound was unmistakable. A strident ringing, a brassy resonance, like a shard of crystal vibrating to pieces.
No—
The roiling storm shifted, surging and sparking with bolts of anger like lightning. The Radiance had never been patient, but now she was frantic—she forced more acid into its shell, straining to break it open from the inside. With every seal that dissolved she pushed harder, screaming through its charred throat as she twisted and shoved herself into a space she did not belong in. It hurt her as much as it did it, for their pain was a shared thing, circling round and round, reverberating between the prison and the prisoner.
It felt her fear.
It could not feel what she was afraid of.
Until the day the door opened.
NO
The Radiance watched through its eyes as the shadows shifted, as the walls lightened to a different tone of gray, as the infection swelling at the temple foundations glistened under a brighter light.
The world—flashed blue. Its arm ached.
Sister—sister, please—
It could not—it could not be here. And it could not pull away.
Help me help me help m—
Panic fluttered in its chest like feathers. Far away, in another time, its breath stopped, claws sinking deep into its own flesh, void flowing free in a numbing rush. Its mask throbbed.
But it could not leave. It could not break free.
A small silhouette entered the temple sanctum. A horned white mask with vast empty eyes. A tiny body, not much more than a bit of shell in a blue-gray cloak. The gleam of a blade, a sharp little thing, and a kind of silence that it knew, a deep silence that was more presence than absence, a silence it recognized even past the howling in its head.
There was… recognition there. Something beyond the familiar call of one vessel to another, something beyond the dream-strange shock of parted kin who were never meant to reunite.
It knew this vessel. This vessel.
The blackness of the Abyss yawned wide behind the knight’s eyes. Soul flickered, a pale glow against the vast nothingness below. And a little two-pronged mask hung in the darkness before it, chin just barely wedged over the edge of the platform, soft claws sliding backward on the metal, precarious grip abandoned for an instant in a desperate reach for help.
A new pain tore into it, striking through flesh and chitin into the depths of its heart, a blow the Radiance had not dealt it.
Sibling—
Kill it.
Her voice pounded into its head, echoes upon echoes, drowning out every shred of thought or consciousness. Pushing it back, forcing it deep into itself, burning away everything but the pain of her light and the torment of her voice.
Kill the usurper.
The little vessel stepped forward out of their standstill, nail drawn and ready, eyes fixed on the knight’s ruined body far above.
They swung. Not at the knight, not even at the swollen pockets of infection that surrounded them, but at the chains.
Their blade struck true. The spellwork shivered.
The Radiance watched, fury swelling to a fever pitch. She turned its head to follow the vessel as they strode across the floor, slashing at the chains, laying waste to the sturdy metal and delicate spells, the Pale King’s handiwork snapping like frayed threads beneath the pale ore of their nail. The ancient soul-glyphs dissolved, wisping into points of light that winked out in the darkness. The layers of spells slid from the knight’s form like threadbare silk, entire incantations unraveling with every slice from that bright blade.
It felt the moment it slipped free from the last enchantment. The moment the last chain buckled and snapped.
The moment nothing held it back.
It crashed to the floor. The impact rattled through its form, pain tearing through every joint and plate, through the mass of light at its shoulder, shivering out to the tips of its horns and heel-spurs. It would have collapsed, would have swooned on the cold floor, but strength pumped into it—raw, mad, hideous strength. She yanked its head back, loosing one more rasping howl from its broken throat, and—
—its head edged up on the pillow, air inching into its lungs, bands of terror clenching its chest tight—
Its numb hand closed on the hilt of its nail, pulling the tip from the crack between the cobblestones, and she dragged it to its feet, swaying, lurching to the side like a broken machine as it started forward, the little vessel’s face blurring and burning beyond a haze of orange, and—
—its mouth opened, teeth scraping, breath hissing, and its hand closed on nothing, on shadows, on the void pooling in its palm—
The goddess’s will strung through it like hot wires, pulling its limbs into a shaky mockery of its old stance, nail lifted into guard position, left hand rising, flooding with soul.
Its arm was a shadow in the air, a flickering vision, and the sharp shine of its magic died into memory.
It had no arm.
It had no soul.
What emerged instead was a festering spray of acid, spitting and sizzling like hot oil, a deadly arc of poison flung into the air. It hurt, and deep within it the void shrieked, twisting and lashing like the tongues of a whip, latching barbed claws into the Radiance’s hold and pulling pulling pulling—
—a knife in its shoulder, a cold blade under its skin, and acid spilling, gushing, coating its back, its side, its chest, and the void surged up, pulled tight, and struck out.
Its shoulder twisted.
The motion jolted its sister’s hand. The knife wrenched sideways, opening a white-hot gash under its arm.
Pain arced through its mind like a scythe. The memory dropped away in shredded pieces. It inhaled, a shuddering rasp, and the cold air stung, and its side was laid open, and its eyes hazed over with gray.
Its sister cried out, her hand clapping down to staunch the flow, and the knight’s tentative grasp on consciousness nearly slipped away. Her voice was a waver in the air, a wisp of smoke, a falling thread, her commands rendered meaningless by the roaring quiet that had descended.
It floated, head filled with hissing static, and then a flood of soul crashed down, and a single word rang in its ears.
“Heal.”
The spell welled up and sprang alight with almost no effort, almost no thought. As it should be—as it had always been—
The pain receded. The world faded back, a soft azure-gray.
No burning white. No blistering orange. It could breathe. It could see.
It was not… in the temple. It was not there.
The gleam of a round mask in the darkness. The weighted stillness of that little cloaked body. The pervasive silence of their void.
S-sibling…
This. This was what had been hidden from it, when it crawled out of the temple like a fumbling husk, like a wraith still somehow living. This was what it could not remember.
Their little sibling, returned to haunt them.
Their body freed, only to turn on their kin.
There was more, hidden behind the blank horror of the memory, some other atrocity waiting like a trap ready to spring, but the pain had broken the spell. It was here now.
Here. Now. With its sister. With her while she exhaled tightly and wiped the new streaks of void from its side, while she reached over its shoulder to lay her fingers on its mask.
Sibling blurred into sibling, violence into violence, and it knew.
If it had still had its arm…
If she had not already drained the acid…
If it had had any soul to focus…
She would be dead.
~
Taglist: @2amtime @moss-tombstone
Reply to this post or send an ask to be added to or removed from the taglist!
19 notes
·
View notes