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jamielynnheartfelt-blog · 5 years

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It’s never too late for a good attitude - there is always room for improvement when you wake up like rattle snake!

When you live with chronic pain, many days you open your eyes and think F%$#! The pain did not disappear in the last 30 min nap before the alarm goes off. You roll over in bed, stretching, groaning, often crying. The pain is too much and honestly, it is really depressing.

You start your morning routine in an all too familiar dark place with a bad attitude. It hurts, it’s always going to hurt. It will likely get worse. Quickly, you become your own victim of this universally cruel thing “chronic pain.”

The reality is though, it is up to me as to what attitude I face pain with. Most Chronic Pain sufferers become immobilized by the depression that comes with knowing that every god damn day is going to start the same way.

What if, this did not have to continue past the first moment in the morning?

What if I did not have a terrible grumpy morning? Is it possible to wake up and not hate so bad? Beginning each day this way can lead to anger, resentment and often loneliness.

I watched my parents both suffer from crazy spine injuries. I believe my unwillingness to yield to the helplessness of Chronic pain came from them. Both of my parents battled pain through the age I am now.

My mother broke her body sky diving at an early, vivacious age. My father suffered a terrible trucking accident that landed telephone poles being pushing into his back. My mother succumbed to her pain a decade ago and my father is still fighting to survive with more pain than the average person could imagine. Growing up and watching them survive is likely why I have lasted this long. Certainly, seeing them work through it gave me the “not going down without a fight” attitude that keeps me in smiles, motion and good spirits now.

I have been injured beyond repair for 15 years. In May, I will have had 15 years of waking up like this. Much of that time was spent learning how to cope. Surgery, sedation, painful injections, endless doctor’s appointments and at one point becoming a full time Physio Therapy patient. Never mind the prescriptions that either worked or fucked up your life. Not yet knowing how to cope with my pain created irreparable rifts between me and some of the people I loved the most.

Through the die-hard attitude that my parents displayed, I also could not bother to lay down and accept defeat. For me, giving into my pain has always meant that I would never ride a horse again, never teach again and that is something I have never been able to accept. However foolish, my parents instilled stubbornness and grit in me, by example and for that I am grateful.

Fast forward through a mountain of added injuries. Fast forward Immeasurable heartache, not just for me but those that loved me, and I finally have figured out how to cope in a way that is no longer destructive and wake up with a good attitude. …Most days anyhow!

One year ago, I was in the place of giving up. After all, the list of things that “my chronic pain” had “taken from me” was long. The value of that loss is still something I cannot speak openly about without sinking to depths of despair. I wish I had found the right attitude sooner. The right attitude often comes with accepting the right support.

Through a doctor who believes I am in fact the vivacious child my mother taught me to be and will help me to express my special brand of “normal.” To the physio and Bio team that help me find the inherent strength and fight that I could have only gained from dad. And from the students who drive me to be a better leader, I can tell you now, my mornings are a contrast from those I experienced 10-15 years ago.

Sure, I am as temperamental as a rattlesnake when I first wake up, but my partner Gareth, bravely and loyally brings me a good cupa and patiently waits for the daily realization of my painful situation to pass. I eventually find a way to have a good attitude, no matter what pain level and corresponding mood I wake up in.

I take my medications without guilt, something that was hard to do. I do my stretches like my life depends on it (because it does). I can hold my tongue until I have something nice to say and I keep true to my fitness because I am the only person who can change my situation. I am the only person who can control my pain and that began by searching for a reason to accept my pain and get on with my life.

It is through this extended support system that I can laugh rather than cry and stretch my way to riding horses and kicking ass every day. For this, I am most grateful and could never have found a good attitude without the incredible combination of people I have as a support crew. And that is how I find my good attitude!

#heartfelthorsemanship #changingtheworldoneheartatatime #fuckpain #truegrit #thanksfolks #self care #chronic pain

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