#that makes me deeply sad.. i shouldn't feel anything i should've been letting it go right away but for me personally it felt baked into the | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vdlest · 3 years

Text

You left something

Characters:

Bucky Barnes x ExAvenger!Reader

Summary:

It has been a year since you left the life of being an Avenger. But after a year, someone showed up in your house, telling you that you left something when you left your old life. What could it be?

Warning:

Swearing

Mention of sex/one night stand

Fluff

Bucky being soft (it's a warning, right?)

One of the best years of your life was being an avenger. You were one of the greatest assets of the team, that's why when you left the team, they had a big loss. It wasn't really your intention to leave the life you had, but when Steve disappeared, Tony and Nat died, you were deeply devastated. You and the rest of Avengers like Sam, Bucky, Wanda, Clint, Bruce, Thor, the Guardians, and Spider-man continued what the original six started. However, one heated argument between you and Bucky made you leave the team — after a mission in Norway, you comforted Bucky when you saw him alone in the roof of the compound, you told him that he shouldn't let sadness take over him and his life, but Bucky didn't liked it. He exploded and told you that instead of Steve, Nat, and Tony, it should have been you who died and disappeared.

The very next day after your argument with Bucky, you left the compound and you just left them a letter, telling them how sorry you were for leaving them. You told them that you are not worthy anymore to be part of them, so you made a sacrifice, leaving the old life you had.

Upon leaving the Avengers, you moved to a small city in California. You started your own farm there and live in a peaceful life, but sometimes you miss being on the team, especially when you see them on the news.

But you had to make a sacrifice. After all, you think you're not worthy enough, not like what Tony, Steve, and Nat has always been telling you.

They're gone, and so is your faith in yourself.

•••

You're in the middle of painting your front porch when you heard someone walking towards you. Your back is facing the front yard of your house, so you don't know if someone's coming or not, but because of your super hearing, you heard that someone is walking behind you.

You got up from painting the base of your porch and turned around to see who was walking towards you.

It's the most unexpected guest you ever had in your entire life — it's the man who made you decide to leave your old life, James Buchanan Barnes.

You avoided his gaze and continue whatever you are doing.

"Y/n," you heard him called you, but you just continue with what you're doing.

"What are you doing here, Barnes?" you asked him without looking at him.

"It took us so long before we could finally trace your actions for the past year. Did you really think we wouldn't find you?" he asked you.

You knew it was Wanda who always wanted to find you. She's your friend. It was you, Nat, and Wanda who had always been friends, but after Nat died and after Wanda disappeared, you lost the only friends you had. Eight months ago, you found out from the news that Wanda came back, more powerful and more capable of helping other people. You knew she wouldn't stop until she found you.

But why is Bucky Barnes who came after you and not Wanda?

"Ever since you left, all of us did everything what we could do to find you, but hell, you are good in hiding. Even Dr. Strange and Wanda cannot find you," Bucky continued talking as he walk closer to you.

You chuckled sarcastically, "Can't you just go straight to the point? Why are you really here?" you put down your paintbrush and faced him, "What do you need from me?"

He took one last step closer to you, "I need you to come back to the team."

The moment you heard him said that, you laughed and walked towards your tool shed. He followed you and you could see how confuse he is when he heard you laugh at him.

"What is so funny?" he asked you.

"You are funny, Barnes," you stopped from opening the door of your tool shed and faced him, "You were the one who wanted me to be out of the team, right? You told me that instead of Nat, Steve, and Tony, it should've been just me who died and disappeared. You remember that?" you asked him, fighting the emotion that is stsrting to build inside you.

He did not answer you and you see guilt in his eyes. But it's already too late for him to feel that way — he already caused you so much pain.

"Why don't you just go back to where you came from and leave me alone? You wanted this right? You wanted me to be gone? So here I am, I've been gone for a year. What else do you need from me?" you asked him.

You resumed in opening the door of your tool shed but before you could finally opened it, you heard him spoke again.

"When you left the team, you left something in there," he said.

You have no idea what he was talking about. When you left the compound, you made sure you got all your things and other belongings. So you have no idea what something you left when you left the compound.

"Me."

You rapidly turned around to face him once again.

"What the hell are you saying?" you asked him unbelievably.

"You left me feeling guilty for what I did and say to you. You left me and I wasn't able to ask for forgiveness for what I did. You left me hanging. And most importantly, you left me wanting you," he said continuously. You did not noticed that in every word he says, he is walking closer to you, and in ever step he does, you move back, but you stopped moving the moment you felt the door of the tool shed behind you, "The night you and I had an argument, I was having a rough time. I didn't know how I could live a life without my best friend, Steve. I wasn't ready to move on, but you kept on telling me to move on."

Your eyes remained on his gaze. You didn't even had the guts to move away or push him away. It seems like you were hypnotized by the way he looks at you and how he caged you between his body and the tool shed's door.

"I didn't mean any word I said that night to you. I don't want you to die or be gone as well. I want you to stay with me until the end."

When you heard him say those words to you, you came back to your senses. You pushed him away and walked away from him. It's not a surprise that he followed you.

"Y/n, I am telling the truth," he said while following you. "I thought I was just feeling guilty the whole time you were gone. Everybody is blaming me for your disappearance, and I thought I was just guilty about the fact that it was really my fault why you left. But no, it's not just about the guilt. It's about the longing I felt when you left."

"Longing?!" you growled as you stop from walking. You turned around and faced him, "You long for the person you wished to die and just disappear?" you scoffed and crossed your arms in front of your chest, "Do you have any idea how painful it is for me to hear those words coming from you? You, of all people, Bucky! You, of all people, said those words to me and made me feel like I'm just a nobody in your life! You made me feel I'm just a fucking whore you fucked once, and that was it! You made me believe that there's something special growing between us, but I was God damn wrong!"

Before you left the compound and the Avengers life, you and Bucky shared a beautiful moment together. You were with him when he visited Yori and apologized for the death of his son. After that, he asked you if you could stay with him for a while and he'll cook dinner for both of you. And so he did, soon after your dinner, you found yourself giving in and kissing him back. You thought it was the start of something beautiful and something deep with him, but after a week, he exploded to you and told you harsh things you never thought you could hear from him.

"I thought we're onto something good, Bucky. But it was just all a fucking thought," you wiped your tears away as soon as you felt them on your cheeks.

"I'm sorry for making you feel that way, y/n," he walked towards you and cupped your face. You wanted to avoid his touch but your body did not oblige to your will, "I was just lost at that time. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I was ready to give my all to you and just lose you. I thought by pushing you away, it would be less complicated for both of us. I can't afford to lose another person in my life. But I still did lose you."

Your tears continue to run down your cheeks as you listen to his words, his explanation.

You told yourself a million times, the next time you'll see him, you'll break his face, his bones. But you couldn't, especially seeing him now this close.

"Everyday, I hated myself for hurting you and letting you leave just like that. Everyday, I am regretting the words I pierced through you. And everyday, I am killing myself for wasting the beautiful start we had," he uses his thumb to wiped your tears away, "I tried my best to find you, to take you back, to apologize, and to have you again by my side, because without you, I am nothing, y/n. And I am not saying these words just because I've made a mistake to you. I am saying these words because I want to have you back in my life."

You looked down, making him remove his hands on your face, "I...I don't know if...if I could trust you again, Bucky."

You were too scared to trust him again, especially with your heart.

"You're asking me to give you my full trust again, Bucky. And it's a big thing to ask from someone who got scared of trusting people again," you said while looking down.

He uses his hand to hold your chin and make you look up to meet his gaze again, "I am willing to do anything to earn your trust again. I am not forcing you to do it right away, but I will earn your trust in every possible way I can," he seems like he was vowing or promising. "But I did not come all the way here just for your trust, y/n."

Your brows furrowed with what he said.

"I also came here to be worthy of your love."

Before you could say anything, he grabbed one of your hands and placed it against his chest, where his heart is.

"Because when you left, you left this one as well," he said referring to his heart.

You imagined countless times that you want Bucky to suffer and feel the pain you felt when you left everything behind because of him. But after a year of hiding your love for him with anger, you finally realized that it wasn't anger at all, it has always been love. Your heart has always been with him. You thought, why make him suffer when you can make him earn what he lost from the times that you've been away from each other — your trust & your love for him.

You hated him because he hurt you, but after hearing his explanation, it all made sense to you.

You are still in love with Bucky Barnes.

-v.dl

#Bucky Barnes #Bucky Barnes x reader #Bucky Barnes x y/n #Bucky Barnes x You #Bucky Barnes fluff #Bucky Barnes imagine #Bucky Barnes fanfiction #Marvel imagine #marvel fanfiction

140 notes · View notes

trulyhumblenarcissist · 3 years

Text

Abourt Rei Himura and BNHA Chapter 301

Now that I've read the official release of chapter 301 I can finally try to gather my thoughts. I think this time the particular rendition of dialogues and inflections provided by Caleb Cook is more crisp and clear than usual, especially in throwing "shade" upon Endeavor as a father figure. But let's do things in order...

Title: THE WRONG WAY TO PUT OUT A FIRE - a simple, but stark message that doesn't leave space for ambiguity. There was a fire, an imminent tragedy that could and should have been avoided, but whoever tried to fix it, did it all wrong and now we have to deal with a huge arson.

CARLESS HANDLING OF FIRE, on the other hand, doesn't quite cut it for me, because it seems like everything was caused by a foolish mistake. "I was carless and now I'm in a pinch"- type of situation, while it's perfectly clear that Endeavor and Rei decided purposefully which "strategy" to use with Touya. A BAD one to say it lightly. Rei's contribution and complicity is debatable, of course, and I'll touch on this later.

Let me get this clear though: I'm not trying in any way to critique the hard work of unofficial translators. I can't say anything relevant because I'm not a translator in the first place (I can barely understand English and my native language on a good day) and also because I am so grateful for everything they do in order to give us really good material FREE OF CHARGE basically a second after the release in Japan. I'm just interested about the different shades of subtext we can catch if we read the story through multiple filters. Every translation is unique because it carries the personal spin of the author even if the bias should be inexistent or ideally undetectable...

However, back to the chapter

REI'S CAGE

The first scene opens on a luxurious classic Japanese villa, with Enji, Rei and her parents discussing the motivation behind Enji's proposal. Or at least we initially think that's what's going on... Because in reality Rei's family couldn't care less about the motivation. Everything these people see is a wealthy, famous guy the next number one hero ready to take their daughter in marriage. I guess the Himuras are pretty broke, thight on cash, their old prestige is definitely gone and all they can do to save themselves from shame and poverty is "to sell" their only remaining asset.

During the whole ordeal, Rei is standing still, silent, cold as ice. She knows she doesn't really have a choice. How mortifying and sad is this? An adult, capable woman has no agency whatsoever, she is used again and again and she stoically accepts this treatment from every single dominant figure in her life until she can't be stoic anymore. I really hope Horikoshi's going to give her a much more proactive role in saving her family and it seems the narrative wants us to expect this type of character development.

I'd like to point out 2 panels in particular:

First one

In this scene the Todorokis are back from their trip to the doc, who clearly said they shouldn't try to conceive a child with a perfect quirk mix because it is dangerous (and morally questionable too). Rei understands this fact and tries to dissuade Enji, but he doesn't listen, because he's projecting all his pent-up resentment and frustration onto Touya. He knows how it feels to crush against an unbreakable wall, since he can't surpass All might and his son can't too. He had to learn this truth the hard way, so Touya needs to do the same. Enji is purposefully throwing upon his son years of failures, self consciousness and despair, just because the boy has to get it into his thick skull that he is a dud, just like his father. This is not a hopeless dad making a mistake bona fide, this is a broken man trying to destroy his self reflection by proxy, annihilating everything Touya is, swiping the kid's identity under the rug. He describes his son's dreams and sadness as something birthed from stubbornness. He is auto-convincing himself however (because Endeavor is not stupid). A little bit later he's basically saying: "Touya let's play make believe! We can go on like everything I had engulfed in your psyche never existed, you're a failed attempt so you don't exist. Your needs and wants are silly and useless, nothing worth dealing with now that I can't make you my prodigy. Why don't you go play with the other failures so that I don't have to look at myself while taking actually care of you. I don't want to see you, because it's too painful, because you're a remainder of my own inadequacy."

Note: If you want to read an incredibly well done analysis about Endeavor's motives and psyche, you can get it on @thyandrawrites , she's dwelt on everything extensively and way better than me.

I really want to talk about Rei though. In the panel I showed above, her expression is a bit tricky to analyse. At first she is very vocal about her position. She doesn't want to put Touya through useless suffering, especially since they have a scientific reason not to. They have no guarantee of success with other children, besides, they could possibly have to deal with other health related issues. However, all it takes to convince her in the end is Enji's half assed attempt at the "It's for Touya's sake" shtick. Is it really? Why doesn't she question her husband anymore?

Well... I think before Natsuo, she was probably hoping Touya would let go "naturally", with time and growth, maybe by taking interest in his other siblings. Rei said she wanted to have more children because in her mind they would have supported and loved each other. Maybe she was naive enough to think that a big family full of kids few years apart from each other was all Touya needed to distract himself from his purposes... BUT and here is the point I want to get across: She was deluding herself too, much like Enji. The ugly truth, in my opinion, is that Rei is a person prone to protect herself by going with everything other people want, especially if said people are capable of hurting her. Yes, she was hurt time and time again, but what would have happened if she really tried to stop Enji?

What I am trying to say is that Rei is the kind of person who endures to survive. She holds a "captive" mentality in which, by indulging her captor's desires, she can continue living with less possibile damage. If I stay still and silent, if I don't make a scene, I can go on, I can hold onto the few things I have that actually make me happy.

Let's think about it... Enji was so obsessed with his psychotic, power-hungry quest that he would have probably disown Rei. She would have been thrown away for a more compliant woman with an ice quirk, or something similar, this resulting in her probably losing everything, the respect and love of her family (the Himuras) and also her own children. Because we know Endeavor can definitely hold a grudge and is vendicative.

So, clarifying, Rei doesn't put up a fight because she is scared for herself in a way... She is scared to be hurt in the worst possible way (by losing her little bit of serenity), so her strategy is to endure and to keep up a facade of control and purpose.

Rei, ironically just like Touya and other characters in mha, doesn't really get what unconditional love is. Her family loves her until she can be useful to the Himura name and status, her husband loves her for her quirk. Her children, however, love her for who she is and she wants to stay with them... Only to be forced to leave them later anyway.

The few times Rei actually smiles are when she is with her babies. She is a deeply loving mother in her core, but her declining mental health makes her a very lacking caregiver.

This panel, in my opinion, shows the point of no return for Rei. She can't keep the glacial facade forever...

After Natsuo's turn to be deemed a failure, Endeavor is crazier than ever, because All Might is as popular and loved as ever and he hasn't make any progress into his eugenetic games. The last two images of Rei are very telling. She is exhausted, but she knows what her husband wants from her this time too. She looks like a lifeless doll and honestly I can easily see Shouto's conception as... Non consensual and I will stop here.

Then Shouto is born, the last, perfect specimen... And Rei isn't doing much for Touya, we can see she's apparently blind towards her eldest son's distress already after Natsuo's birth... But why?

Because she is actively avoiding to face the Touya's problems too.

If Touya is still suffering, is still feeling stressed and worthless, then everything Rei has endured, everything she pretended not to feel for the sake of her family has been completely useless. What Rei cannot look at is her own parental failure, is the concrete proof that while protecting herself and her peace she did not protect her children too, because the two interests were never really aligned, even if she really believed so. She never had a functional family to preserve in the first place and everything she accepted to do was all for the sake of a false sense of belonging.

However is too easy to say she should've rebelled against Enji and dumped his sorry ass. Abuse traps you and your abuser too in a cage tricky to escape.

What I imagine will happen next chapter is one of two things:

Enji stops Touya by using brute force, probably also saying something really scarring to reinforce the notion that Shouto is the only child he cares about.

Rei stops Touya by using her quirk. This act could be considered by Touya another confirmation that even his mother actually does something by her own accord only when Shouto's safety is at risk

Necessary conclusions

I don't blame Rei for her actions too much. She is a victim turned abuser by circumstances, but more importantly she's actually taken mesures to prevent herself from hurting her children again. She's trying to heal for her family's sake, really this time. Ten years spent dealing with guilt and having actual therapy seem a good plan to me. And now she's the one ready to snap Enji back to reality.

Enji, on the other hand, is trying too. It's too little too late, but if he stops avoiding reality and hardly works on understanding his family's point of view I don't think he is completely unredeemable. I don't see him surviving his last confrontation with Touya, thought... But I could be totally wrong.

Obviously everything I've said it's my personal analysis on Rei's character, as I interpret her actions and words, so feel free to contradict me and/or to add anything you might see fit.

#bnha301 #bnha meta #mha #my hero academia #todoroki enji #endevor #todoroki rei #rei himura #todoroki family #tw abuse

183 notes · View notes

chloasiajones · 4 years

Text

This is Special Edition part 8. . .

I hope you guys like this. I wasn't gonna write it this way, but it was an idea that came to my head and I thought it was a good one.

The Beginning of Part 8. . .

This is a brand new smau that I'm writing. Its actually my first. It's a Zuko x F!Reader pairing.

Trigger warning! If you're sensitive to things like car accidents and hospitals I'm warning you ahead of time. Read at your own risk. . .

Zuko is getting tired of his relationship with Mai. He feels it's not exactly enough, and he wants more. Though he doesn't know what. He seems to have a certain attraction to his best friend Y/N, but is too stubborn and grumpy to tell her or really talk about it at all. She likes him, but is too afraid to say anything because of his relationship with Mai. Though could things take an unexpected turn for Zuko and Y/N when something happens to her and he's afraid of losing her. . .

Special Edition Part 8

Toph's P.O.V.

I held onto Sokka's arm as we followed Sapphire to Y/n's room. I dont think I'm ready to be in a room with Y/n where shes not laughing, or joking around or trying to make sure everyone had a great time. I remember how her and I used to duel together. She had mentioned at one point about needing to practice her waterbending skills, since hadn't had to use it for fighting in so long. Zuko offered to duel with her, but I threatened to kiss his a*s if he hurt her - even by accident. So, he backed off. I offered to help her because chucked rocks at her was a good way to practice quick reflexes. She adapted quite well, and quite quickly. It was so fun in fact that we set a time once a week just to duel each other. We even up-ed the challenge. I started to not just use Earthbending but Metalbending as well. I miss being able to do that. Or when Y/n would randomly text our group chat in the middle of the night because she missed us. I felt that we were standing in the room. I could feel the sad presences around me from everyone in the room. The vibes are very strong from Zuko right now. I walked closer to the bed. I stood next to it, feeling around for her hand or her arm. Once I felt it, I gently wrapped my hand around her arm. I felt a tear fall from my eye as I stood there.

"Oh Y/n, why did this have to happen to you? You were so full of life and energy and love. And despite what Zuko did to you, you tried to stay happy for us. You tried to be upbeat to keep the mood up. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it have been me? -"

More tears fell from my eyes. I felt a hand on my back. And judging from how it felt, I'm guessing it was Sokka.

"I miss you Y/n. We all do, - Please dont leave us - Please come back to us! – Katara cant you heal her or something?!"

"I-I wish I could Toph, but this is delicate. If I make one slip she could fall further into the coma and never come out of it," Katara spoke to me softly.

"There's still a chance she might not come out of it," Suki spoke casually.

"Suki?!" Sokka snapped in slight shock.

"What? I'm just being real Sokka," Suki explained calmly.

"Okay, guys let's not fight or complain," Aang spoke.

"Aang's right," Sapphire stated.

I quickly turned to where I knew where Zuko was standing. Angry crossed me.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT ZUKO!!!!! I WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN ACCEPTED INTO OUR GROUP!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! AND I PROMISE YOU I WILL KICK YOUR A*S LATER!!!!" I yelled to Zuko before rushing out of the room.

Aang's P.O.V.

We all stared as Toph rushed out.

"Hmm, maybe someone should go after her?" I spoke casually.

"I'll do it," Katara volunteered.

Katara left the room to find Toph.

"Uh, if we have something to say to Y/n, maybe we should do it one at a time," Sokka suggested.

"I think that's a good idea Sokka," Sapphire stated.

"Whose gonna go first?" Zuko asked.

"Me - I wanna go first," I spoke up.

"Okay, we'll leave you alone with her Aang," Sapphire said softly.

I nodded as they walked out of the room. I sighed as I walked over to Y/n. I hated looking at her like this. She looked so helpless.

"I bet you hate all this fighting huh? - I know if you were here you'd try to do your best to resolve it all for us. You were always so good at that. Even better than me. And I'm the Avatar. We've been posting a tone of stuff on our social media page about you. Asking you to get better and not to leave us. It's funny even Zuko admitted to the fact that he loves you. -"

I went silent for a moment.

"If you can hear me - And you recover, please dont tell him I told you that? - I miss you Y/n, - We all miss you -"

A tear escaped from my eye. I leaned over to hug her.

"Please dont leave us,"

Sapphire's P.O.V.

I sat next to the bed.

"Its funny, I'm here everyday and I still can't get used to seeing you like this. You're everything to me baby sis. I cant lose you. I know I tell you this everyday, but I cant seem to say it enough. Maybe if I say it enough, it'll be just enough to pull you out of it. I miss you so much, - Please - Y/n wake up,"

I took hold her hand, letting tears fall as I rested my head on her arm.

Sokka's P.O.V.

I sighed as I looked at Y/n. I couldn't stand seeing her like that.

"I'm having a real hard time seeing you like this. I guess its times like these where I wish I couldn't see. Then I think about Toph, and I wonder how hard it really is for her. Seeing is she cant see anything, but yet she can with her feet. Toph is the greatest. I know you'd agree with me if you could talk right now. You'd be happy. I havent been stealing your Dt. Pepsi's lately. Mainly because it's not the same without you pretending to get mad at me. I miss you so much Y/n. I really hope you come out of this. I miss my best friend. Without you, my life is a dull pancake,"

I sighed once more as I looked at her. I took her hand softly.

Katara's P.O.V.

I sat in the chair by the bed. Y/n looked so innocent and helpless lying there.

"I cant believe this happened to you. I wanted to blame Zuko, but I knew it would do me no good. I know it's not his fault. And I know he deeply, deeply cares for you. You're my best friend, you're like my sister. I miss you so much. Waterbending isn't the same without you. I remember how we used to waterbend together. Me, you, Aang, and Sapphire. It was so much fun. - Oh, Y/n, I really hope you make it out of this. We all care very deeply for you. We all miss you. - Especially Zuko - He is really sorry for what he did to you Y/n. And he wants you to come out of this too. - Oh Y/n please wake up,"

I put my arms over her hugging her.

Suki's P.O.V.

I sighed as I looked at the floor.

"I know you cant talk back to me right now, but I really need to talk to you. You were always so great at giving advice, just like Zuko's uncle. I need you Y/n. I feel like Sokka and I are becoming distant. And I cant quite seem to figure out why. If he's growing feelings for someone else, I guess I could be okay with it if he talked to me about it. But I feel like he's hiding his own feelings from me. And I don't know what to do. – Y/n, what do I do?"

I stared at the floor as a test escaped my eye.

Zuko's P.O.V.

I didnt know what to do as I sat there. I honestly didnt know what to say. I know she can hear me. I took in a soft breath before taking her hand.

"I wish you could talk to me. I wish I could be alert when I tell you I am so sorry for what I did to you. It was Mai she made me do it. She told me if I wanted to still be her boyfriend then I'd have to stop talking to you. I didnt want to, but Ibwas blinded by my own feelings. I was stupid. I shouldn't have listened to her. I should've listened to my own feelings for you, not for Mai. I know you probably still hate me for what I did. And I deserve that, -"

I held her hand tighter.

"I deserve every negative comment that you guys throw at me. - Our friends are right I am an a*s - I know you can hear me Y/n, - So I'm gonna tell you I love you - And that I really need you to recover.- I need you in my life. - I cant love without you - Please dont leave me,"

I stood up next to the bed. I still held her hand as I leaned down pressing my lips to hers. I know she cant kiss back, but I felt compelled to do it.

Taglist:

@cece-lives-here

@sokkas--boomerang

@la-lay

@cuddlykoala101

@zukochi

@mochminnie

@theblueslytherin

@coldlilheart

@coconutsaiyan

@rosestyles69

@juniperwoodwell

If you want to be apart of the taglist message me or reply. I'd be happy to add you

26 notes · View notes