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#theres just five weeks left in the semester and then i go home. finally. finally

foreverthesickestkidz · 4 years

Text

I’ll put a summary here L8er

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten

warnings: cursing, murder, torture, mentions the words domestic abuse & rape

masterlist | guidelines | lullaby m.list

August was an unusually stressful month for you, given your circumstances. Moving away from home, back to Eclipse University, into your small, lonesome apartment was not all that exciting. Starting your last year of law school wasn’t exciting either. A new year meant two new semesters full of tough courses, a paid internship, and the dreaded Bar exam at the end of it all. Stress was eating at you all summer as you tried to prepare yourself for this last year of schooling before fully entering the real world. The one thing you always looked forward to when coming back to this little college town though, was seeing Bambam.

“Y/n! Long time, no see!” Bambam, your beloved best friend, practically screamed the second he laid eyes on you entering his department store.

You giggled, accepting the bear hug he was pulling you into. “Hey B, I missed you so much!” As you pulled away you noticed him look you up and down and shake his head.

“Damn, girl. Did you get hit by a bus this summer? You look like hell,” he raised an eyebrow. You lightly smacked his shoulder and laughed.

“No! It’s just been really stressful lately. And I literally just moved all my stuff back into my apartment, okay!”

Bambam noticed another customer enter the store then, looking over your shoulder rather than at you.

“I wasn’t too sure if you’d be here actually, B. I was gonna call and make sure before I walked all the way here, but I decided to make it a surprise,” You explained, moving to the side so he could walk past, following close behind.

Bambam never let an opportunity to make a customer glamourous pass, not even for his best friend he hasn’t seen in months.

“Oh yeah, I just got back actually. I hosted a fashion show in Milan last week, but I’ll be here for another month maybe,” He explained as he reached the young lady browsing the racks of his expensive, well designed blouses. He turned away from you to greet her, so you decided to leave him be, and just call after he closed the shop for the day. After giving a small wave to Bambam as you walked out the shop, mouthing a ‘I’ll call around 7’ as to not interrupt the client, you wandered back into the streets of Eclipse. The August sun was strong, and you noted the nice weather as you passed by the other shops and restaurants of Downtown. Bambam’s shop was only about a fifteen minute walk from your apartment, but in the heat, it seemed like ages. So, you decided to stop at a little ice cream parlor before heading all the way back into campus.

Kim’s Ice Cream was practically empty. Upon walking in you noticed two things immediately, the first was that they didn’t serve chocolate ice cream, the second was the only other customer present in the building. He sat in the corner with a half melted milkshake in front of him, watching something intently out the window. So, curiosity got the best of you and after settling for the next best ice cream flavor (second to chocolate), you wandered over to his table.

He seemed to notice you immediately, which wasn’t that abnormal since you were the only other customer there. But, he looked up and cocked his head to the side, almost like a questioning puppy.

Smiling, you greeted him, “Hey, is this seat taken?”

He furrowed his eyebrows, and shook his head. “No, no. Please,” He motioned towards the empty seat across from him, and finally returned the smile.

“I’m Y/n. I just happened to notice you watching something outside,” you nervously laughed, “Curiosity sort of urged me over here to ask what it was.” Upon finishing your sentence, you ate a spoonful of ice cream. He looked up and made complete eye contact with you for the first time. His eyes were full of focus, and deep with thought.

With a lazy grin he licked his lips and answered. “Curiosity killed the cat, you know.”

With a nod and a soft smile you quickly replied “But the cat knew the truth.”

He raised an eyebrow and shook his head with a laugh. “I was watching the birds. I’ve always found them so intriguing,” He glanced outside once again, and looked back with a darker twist in his large pupils. You always noticed the smallest things about people, and the eyes ahead of you were certainly the eyes of someone hurting.

“I’m Mark” he stuck his hand out for you to shake. Calloused fingers and bruised knuckles engulfed your smaller hand.

****

Several hours after the introduction, you found yourself laying in bed wide awake. While finishing unpacking you grew tired, but somehow you can’t seem to fall asleep.

With a frustrated sigh, you reached to the nightstand to pick up your phone and check the time. Seeing 4 unread texts from Bambam, you decided to read and respond, it wasn’t like you were going to get any sleep anyway.

-Sorry you had to leave earlier I had to glam that bitch

-Hey idk if youve seen the news but theres some scary shit happening in eclipse rn, you should be careful ok?

-? y/n

-Y/N!!!

You shook your head and rubbed your eyes. The last text was only sent five minutes ago, maybe Bambam was still awake. You decided to turn the news on before calling him.

“Residents of Eclipse please be extra cautious! Breaking News reports a string of murders throughout the town, focused around Eclipse University’s campus. We’re reminding all citizens to lock your doors, and remain calm. We all need to stick together at this time.”

Your eyes grew wide as you flung the blanket from your form and ran to your front door. Locking the deadbolt, you immediately FaceTimed Bambam.

“Bambam! What the hell is happening?” You almost yelled through the phone.

“Shh shh, calm down. It’s okay, you’re okay,” he comforted you with a soft tone. Bambam always knew when your anxiety flared up, and stayed gentle with you to help you calm down. He stayed on the phone until he knew you were alright.

“Just remember to be careful, y/n.” He whispered after a while, and you finally managed to fall asleep.

Bambam huffed as he hung up the phone. The truth was that he was terrified. He knew he would be alright, he owned a few guns and he was away from Eclipse for weeks at a time anyway. But, he also knew you didn’t live the same life as him. You didn’t own any weapons, you were stuck here, and you trusted far too easily. The murders sent shivers down Bambam’s spine and his head started to ache at the thought of his best friend in danger. Worried hands typed vigorously on his phone as he dialed the phone number of the one person he hated most. He knew that despite his hatred, this person would be the only one close enough to you that Bambam trusted to ensure your safety when he left.

“Bambam? What the fuck do you want? It’s three in the fucking morn-“ Jackson’s voice was husky and rough after being awoken.

“Shut the fuck up and listen.” Bambam was already annoyed with the boy on the other line.

Jackson scoffed and rolled his eyes, despite Bambam not being able to see.

“Have you seen the news?” Bambam ran a hand through his hair and walked out onto the balcony.

“Yeah, if you’re calling to accuse me of any shit I won’t hesitate to block you.” Jackson’s defensive tone was enough to piss Bambam off.

“I’m not accusing you of anything. You might think you’re tough shit but you’re no killer. I’m calling about y/n”

Jackson’s ears perked up at hearing your name.

“Y/n? What about her? Is she okay?” His voice suddenly grew softer.

“She’s fine. But, I’m worried about her. You know how she is, and I’m not sure how I can make sure she’s safe when I leave Eclipse,” Bambam sighed. “That’s why I called. Me, you and Yugyeom don’t get along, but I know you both care for her as much as I do.” A slight breeze caused him to shiver.

Bambam heard rustling on the other end of the line.

Jackson pulled his shirt on and tied his shoelaces.

“When are you leaving?”

Bambam looked out over the silent town, and shook his head to himself.

“Soon,”

Jackson grabbed his keys and reached for the doorknob.

“She’s in good hands, Bambam.”

The line went dead as Bambam leaned his head back, eyes closing.

“She damn well better be. She’s all I’ve got in this world.” He whispered softly to the wind.

Jackson pulled the door of his Corvette open and slipped inside. The curfew didn’t let up for another hour, but he needed to see Yugyeom. His best friend needed to know what Bambam called about, and he wasn’t sure how Yugyeom would react to the prospect of seeing you again. Shifting gears, he sped away in the direction of Downtown.

Yugyeom opted to move to Eclipse permanently after his first semester of law school. His home life wasn’t ideal, and he was happier here than there. His little house on the corner of Main Street and Downtown boulevard was perfect for him. He was in a deep sleep when he awoke to the sound of constant banging on his door. Groaning and reaching for the 9mm pistol in his nightstand, he pushed himself up and rubbed his eyes. He opened the front door to be met with the worried eyes of his best friend.

“Fucking hell, bro. I thought you were a murderer or something!” Yugyeom furrowed his eyebrows as he let Jackson in.

“Funny you mention that…” Jackson rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I just got off the phone with Bambam.”

***

Mark held the printed photograph up next to the sorry male in front of him. The picture matched the guy perfectly, and with a dark chuckle he licked his lips.

“I knew I’d find you.”

The man roughly jerked against the belt that secured him to the chair. Flailing helplessly to try to break away, screaming into the duct tape secured on his mouth.

“Stop trying to break away. Nobody will help you.” Mark cocked his head to the side, grinning at his prey. The man’s muffled screams began again. Mark pulled up a chair and sat in front of him. The only light came from an exposed lightbulb hanging from the ceiling above them. The lighting created a halo above the bloodied man. How ironic.

“I have some questions for you, before I have some fun, so you just nod or shake your head in response. And if you lie, you’re gonna regret it.” He held up a knife in one hand, and a gun in the other.

“This is how this is gonna work, I’m going to ask a question, you will truthfully answer me. If you cooperate, I’ll use this,” he held up the gun, pulling the slide back, “if you don’t cooperate, I’ll use this,” he held the knife up again, skillfully spinning them through his fingers. The man’s eyes widened in fear.

Mark’s eyes gleamed with excitement.

“First question! Have you ever seen this girl?” He held up another printed photo of a smiling young woman. The man vigorously shook his head.

“You fucking LIAR!” Mark screamed the last word. He rolled his eyes and stood from his chair.

“You lied straight away! Nobody ever lies from the first question!” He laughed out, and ripped the duct tape from the man’s mouth.

“Now, count backwards from 100 in sets of 3,” Mark pressed the knife against the bottom of the man’s pinky finger.

“Fucking count!” Mark screamed in his face. He began counting as Mark sawed away at his fingers. Blood dripped down the armrest of the chair and onto the rotting carpet. Mark was in euphoria. The red color was glittering under the harsh lighting and the smell made his grin a little wider.

Many hours into Mark’s fun he grew bored and decided it was time for judgement. The man was on the very brink of passing out anyway, and the smell of blood started to give Mark a headache.

“Alright, man. I’m done.” Mark huffed out. The man looked almost relieved. ”I hereby render you guilty of domestic abuse, and the rape of Yang Jimin. I sentence you to death.” Mark smirked at the man’s appearance, and inability to speak after having his tongue ripped out. He untied the man and laid him out on the floor. He began softly singing, “Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed,” he pulled the gun from his pocket and pressed the barrel to the man’s forehead. “Lullaby and goodnight, thy mother's delight, bright angels beside my darling abide,” He pulled the trigger, blood splattering over his face and clothes. Humming the song again, he brought the knife to the dead man’s stomach. After etching the word “goodnight” in scratchy rough lettering, Mark shook his head.

“Justice is served,” he chuckled and pulled matches from his pocket. Picking up the gasoline in the corner, he walked around the tiny raggedy house, lighting his cigarette with a match before pitching it behind him, walking away and disappearing into the night.

***

Morning light drifted through your blinds when your alarm rang. You blinked your eyes open and yawned before turning the annoying noise off. Stretching, you got up and got ready for the day. You only had one class, but after you had to report to your first day of interning with Eclipse’s best attorney, Lee Kwang, who also happened to be your professor. Upon walking to your car, you never expected to see the familiar black Jeep parked next to your little blue Corolla.

“Kim Yugyeom. It’s been a while,” you smiled halfheartedly to the owner of said Jeep.

“We need to talk.” He seemed on edge, but you figured it was because the last night you spoke in person was a night everyone involved wished to forget.

You unlocked your car and opened the back door, dropping your backpack in the seat. “There’s not much to talk about.” You looked anywhere but at him.

“I talked to Bambam last night,” he leaned his back against the door, arms crossed.

The realization hit you a second later.

“No. Absolutely not. I don’t need anyone’s protection. I’m a grown woman.” You seethed at the thought that these boys saw you as someone so weak.

“It’s not about that, y/n. We just care about you,” he tried to reason with you.

“Who cares about me? Because you and Jackson are the last people who act like they care about me.” You shook your head to stop tears from falling. Slipping into your car, you pulled away from the parking lot.

***

Mark’s eyes met yours the second you walked into the law firm. He waved and smiled as you walked towards him.

“Hey! I never thought I’d see you here!” You beamed at the boy you met yesterday.

“Yeah, small world. I was just on my way out, but before I go, I just, I forgot to ask back at the ice cream shop,” he blushed a little and scratched the back of his head. “Can I maybe, get your number?”

Your face flushed red, yet you smiled widely.

“Yeah! Of course!” You reached for a pen and scribbled numbers onto a sticky note.

“Thanks, I’ll call you later!” He smiled as he walked away.

You took a deep breath and knocked on Professor Lee’s door, not noticing the way Mark looked back at you as he left the building.

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svtmatokis · 4 years

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Miracle P2

LASTLY here is Miracle P2. I am sooo soft since the song was released and I hope you guys get why Jihoon is acting the way he is in this fic. Also has anyone noticed tht i LOVE using Yoongi and Jihoon in the same fics? K I need some sleep now cause getting 2hrs the night before and a birthday party right after = zzzzzzzzzz

Have you ever had that moment where you met one person who just changed your life in an instant?

Words: 4772

Pairing: You x Jihoon

Warnings: NGL y’all are gonna wanna brush your teeth extra once the fluff in this fic is over

Part 1

Tags: @mitchx17carat

(If you want to be tagged, feel free to send me an ask or reply to the fic of your choice.)

The first day of classes had finally arrived. Unfortunately for Jihoon, the two of you hadn’t seen each other since the morning after Jungkooks birthday since he had to take care of Soonyoung after he woke up and you went to tend to the others who lived in the house.

After a quick bye, the two of you went your separate ways and as Jihoon sat in his first class of the semester waiting for the instructor to arrive, he started to think when he was going to see you again. He was sure that both Soonyoung and Seungcheol would have your number but he didn’t feel like answering any questions they might have.

As he continued to let his thoughts drift, he overheard a few of the students talking and when Yoongi’s name was mentioned, he started to pay attention.

“I heard Min Yoongi’s going to be the assistant for this class.” one girl said as her friend gasped.

“I haven’t seen Yoongi around campus in ages. I wonder what’s making him comeback. He’s already a big name as is outside of this college and anyone who works with him is considered lucky.” she said, “Theres a rumor that Y/N came back from that program the school sent her to in London so it could be that.”

“If Y/N’s back then that could be the reason...you know how much he’s doted on her and I can’t blame him either. She’s so pretty and talented.” another girl butted in. “You don’t think they’re dating do you?”

Jihoons eyebrows furrowed at the last statement he heard, was it a secret that you and Yoongi were siblings? Everyone at the party seemed to acknowledge it since most of the guys who were there steered clear of you and he had heard that Yoongi was fiercely protective of you when it came to dating.

A tap on his shoulder shook him out of his thoughts and it was as if the sun rose when he looked up to see your face.

“Is anyone sitting here?” you asked motioning to the seat next to him that had his bag on it and Jihoon sat up quickly to remove it. How lucky was he that you were in this class? A class that he almost didn’t take because of what happened in the past.

“No, no ones sitting here.” he said and you put your bag on the desk before sitting down. “I didn’t know you were going to be taking this class.”

“I have to.” you said, “Plus, you won’t believe who our T.A is going to be…”

“Yoongi?” Jihoon asked and you nodded shocked that he knew. Obviously he saw it because he continued to explain further, “This class is full of gossips.”

“Ah…” you said covering your mouth as you giggled, “Did you already hear the rumor that Yoongi and I were dating then?”

Jihoon nodded chuckling himself, he was surprised to see that you knew of the rumor and decided to ask you about it.

“Does no one on campus know that you two are siblings or something?”

“It’s not that...it’s just that no one asks. Yoongi graduated from the music program when I was a freshman. He was already producing music for outside people back then so he was fairly well known. But because you know, him being him,walked me to every class till I left for London.” you explained, “If people asked we would tell them we were siblings but I guess it’s more fun to assume things.” you let out a sigh and blew a piece of hair that had fallen in your face.

“Life of a college kid.” Jihoon agreed with a nod, “Where is he anyways? Wasn’t class supposed to start five minutes ago?”

“He’s standing outside talking to that instructor...Bumzu or something about a project he wants Yoongi to help with.” you explained just as Yoongi walked into the room and you saw him smirk as he saw you sitting with Jihoon.

“Hello class...welcome to Advanced Music Production.” he said in a monotone voice as he put somethings on the desk. “As you can see, the instructor is no where to be found. Due to a recent project, he will not be attending classes until the middle of the semester.”

“Bummer” you said as Yoongi shot you a glare but continued.

“I will be taking over in his place till then and to start the semester off, you guys will have to do a project to show that you actually belong in this class. The course outline has been emailed to you all by the instructor and as you can see, there will be a final production project that EVERYONE will have to complete individually because it will be half your grade.” Yoongi explained looking at each person in the class.

“The first project that you guys will be doing will be a partners project but choose wisely. The project will show the instructor and I who will be invited to take part 2 of this course next semester which as you know is not mandatory to graduate but is a lot more advanced than this and is for those who are serious about music producing. Are there any questions?”

When no one raised their hands, Yoongi smiled and you swore you heard a squeal come from behind you.

“Good, the details of the first project is on the course outline. I will be here to assist and give advice but please try to complete it with your partner before coming to me. You have two weeks to complete the project starting now. Please let me know who your partner is before the end of class.” he finished and sat down which signalled for everyone to start working.

During the time that Yoongi was talking about partners, you felt Jihoon nudge you ever so slightly and you nodded at him when you saw him look at you from the corner of his eye. You had a hunch that there would be a few people who would’ve wanted to partner with you to get your connections to Yoongi but thankfully, Jihoon was already one of Yoongi’s few mentees (literally only you and Jihoon) and you had no problem working with him.

“Hey welcome back Y/N.” Joshua who you recognized from freshman year said as he sat down in the desk in front of you. You heard from Seungcheol that he had joined the SVT Frat and lived with the guys but outside of that, you never talked much.

“It was fun, thanks for the English lessons by the way. They totally helped.” you said with a smile, “I hate to be back but you know...real school calls.”

“Didn’t some of the credits from the last two years move forward?” Joshua asked and you nodded.

“Most of my dance credits have me covered that I can take it less seriously now, but I only took music comp during my final year there and it wasn’t enough.” you let out a sigh, “It’s fine though considering who our T.A is.”

“Yea who would’ve thought Yoongi would return to teaching.” Joshua said, “Are you partnered with anyone yet?”

You nodded your head to Jihoon had stayed quiet this whole time, “Jihoon and I agreed to work together for the semester. Is Vernon coming back this year?”

“Oh, hey Jihoon..” Joshua said with a wave, “I just assumed that you’d be working yourself again like you did last semester and yea, he’s on his way back from New York now. He’ll be back in class tomorrow.”

You looked at Jihoon with wide eyes wondering how he convinced the instructors to let him work alone for most of the year but had a feeling Yoongi’s influence had something to do with it.

“I thought a change would be beneficial this semester.” Jihoon said and looked at you, “I’ll go tell Yoongi about the partners.”

“Sounds good.” you said with a smile and Jihoon got up.

‘Did she really imply that she wanted to work with me for the semester?’ he thought to himself as he went to talk to Yoongi while you and Joshua continued your conversation.

“I didn’t expect you to be friends with someone like Jihoon at all.” Joshua said and you gave him one of those looks and he quickly continued to explain, “It’s nothing like that...its just that he’s pretty introverted when it comes to class...I see him with Cheol and everyone and he seems okay but still, very timid.”

“Really?” you asked looking at Jihoon and Yoongi talk, “I met him during Jungkooks birthday party a few days ago...didn’t seem that timid. By the way, where the heck were you?! I had to take care of Tae’s drunk ass myself since Jin and Nam were busy with birthday boy and Jimin.”

Joshua smirked at the comment, “Maybe it’s the way you are around people. You can get the mute to open up and tell you their life story.” he snorted, “And I literally got back from visiting my mom two days ago and totally missed the birthday party. I actually have to make up for it by meeting the guys for drinks tonight, you want to come with?”

You frowned as you looked down at your phone showing him your jam packed calendar. “I can’t even if I wanted to. Hobi, Soonyoung and I are meeting up to talk about dance team auditions then I need to talk to Jihoon about the project. Plus Yoongi’s being well...Yoongi…”

“It’s understandable, you know he means well right?” Joshua asked knowing the situation of your odd family and you shrugged.

“I know. It’s why we give each other such a hard time.” you said with a grin.

“Who do you give a hard time too?” Jihoon asked coming back to his seat as he overheard your last comment.

“Yoongi.” you said simply and Jihoon shook his head.

“It’s a wonder how you survive living with them you know.” he stated.

“She doesn’t live with them.” Joshua said, “Unless you decided to move into a house full of guys.”

“I technically live in my dorm with Kimi...but from what I heard the last few days, Soonyoungs going to be a regular there so maybe I will start living with the guys.” you said grimacing to what you saw when you came home one day. “Anyways, are you or Vernon coming out for dance team this year?”

“Vernon is, I am most definitely not.” Joshua said with a shake of his head, “I’ll be at every performance with Tae to take pretty pictures though.” he said using his hands as a fake camera, “You should really try out this year Jihoon. It’s a lot of fun especially with Y/N back”

Joshuas comment made you nod in agreement, “I heard from Soonyoung that the two of you used to dance together. Chan’s on the team too.”

“I’ll think about it.” Jihoon said and saw the hopeful smile on your face and he couldn’t help but smile back. Maybe he would try out this year. There was nobody holding him back after all.

Eventually class ended and you thanked the heavens that you only had one class that day. You had been working on a few things since you got back and you didn’t want to stop until it was completed. Unfortunately, that meant not being done till about 5 in the morning which only allowed you 2.5hours of sleep before you had to get ready for class.

“Do you want to go get lunch to discuss the project?” Jihoon asked not ready to part ways with you yet and was happy that you agreed.

“Sure, I have to meet with Hobi and Soonyoung after though for dance stuff.”

“That’s fine, I’ll probably head back to the house after that then.” Jihoon said, “Do you want anything in particular?”

“I’m craving jajangmyeon...no ramen...no..” you let out a sigh not being able to decide as Jihoon laughed next to you. “I’m seriously craving Jajangramyeon*…” you said with a pout.

“Jajangramyeon*?” Jihoon asked shocked and decided at that very moment, you were someone that needed to be a permanent fixture in his life. No one knew about Jajangramyeon but here you were actually craving it. “Do you...want to go back to my dorm then? I can make lunch while we discuss the project…” he suggested shyly thinking you wouldn’t agree to something so forward but the look on your face said otherwise.

“You know what Jajangramyeon is?” you asked shocked and he nodded his head.

“It’s my favorite foods…” he said and the smile you gave him after that literally made his heart melt. It was the biggest and sweetest one he had ever seen from you and he couldn’t help but grin back.

“Lee Jihoon, I really think that this is a wonderful start to an everlasting friendship.” you said and packed up your things quickly as your stomach started talking for you.

“Yea?” he asked completely shocked at what came out of your mouth but his grin grew when you nodded your head.

“Anyone who knows about and how to make Jajangramyeon is considered high in my books.” you said as you walked towards the door and purposely said loudly, “Maybe even higher than Yoongi and Jin!”

“HEY! Say that in front of Jin next time you want something to eat!” you heard from behind making you and Jihoon snicker as you walked out towards Jihoon’s dorm which was the SVT Frat house.

You had only been here once before you left for London and that was when you and Hoseok had gone to tell Soonyoung the news of him being the new junior dance team co-captain which he completely deserved at the time. Ever since then, Soonyoung and Hoseok were partners when it came to the dance team but due to lack of experience, Hobi was the only one teaching the after school classes and you knew that it took a lot out of him.

When the two of you walked into the house, you saw Seungcheol and Soonyoung in the living room seemingly watching a movie. They waved as you and Jihoon walked by and made your way to the kitchen.

“I knew it was a good idea that Jihoon went to that party.” Soonyoung said, “He’s managed to change himself in less than five days.”

“Y/N has that effect on people.” Seungcheol said, “I just hope she doesn’t break his heart…”

“Doubt it.” Soonyoung said as he saw the ingredients that Jihoon was getting together, “Look at what he’s making for lunch.”

Seungcheol leaned over slightly to see the ingredients on the table and wrinkled his nose, “I knew it wasn’t only Jihoon who liked that stuff together. The fact that he’s cooking for someone else too is just…”

“Not Jihoon?” Soonyoung asked and Seungcheol nodded. “But remember how Yoongi and Jin were when you started college?”

“Y/N was their light and despite having lost so much in her life, she still managed to bring those two back.” Seungcheol said with a small sigh, “Now they’d do anything for her and it’s not because they have to either…”

“I’ve never seen Y/N not have a smile on her face. She’s gone through a lot...more so than any of us. She’s the step sister of the student body president and star producer who didn’t even know about her for fifteen years...I admire her because of that.” Soonyoung said the two watched Jihoon cooking while you sat on the counter next to him talking about something they couldn’t hear.

“You admire her for being the step sister of an affair?” Seungcheol asked and Sooyoung shook his head quickly.

“I admire her because despite losing both parents and gaining two brothers, she’s still so strong. We don’t know her full story but if she can smile like she does now without a care in the world and make someone like Jihoon come out of his shell. It makes me think about all the rumors that people spread about her during her first year when Yoongi walked her to every class and when Jin would have lunch with her whenever he wasn’t busy.” Soonyoung sighed, “I wonder how badly the rumors affected her that she decided to leave so suddenly that year...Yoongi practically shut himself from everyone again and Jin went back to being Jin.”

“I never noticed that...So it wasn’t because of the video she submitted for the audition?” Seungcheol asked and Soonyoung shrugged.

“Hoseok told me that it was between him and Y/N for the London program and he backed out so Y/N could go. But essentially, because no one would ask and they just assumed who she was to them, she did the one thing she knew how to do. She ran away and came back stronger than ever.”

Seungcheol thought about Soonyoungs last comment and watched as Jihoon made two bowls of noodles while you sat on the counter next to him talking about whatever you were talking to him and it was evident that the big smiles on both your faces were genuine and both boys had simultaneous thoughts.

‘Just like Jihoon…’

“...Sounds like your back bone grew while you away then. The program sounds like it was a lot of fun.” Jihoon said as he went to put the two bowls of noodles on the table.

The two of you had been talking about your time in London and how much it changed you and helped your confidence level. In London, no one was there to gossip on how you were tied to the schools top producer or the student body president. Instead, they praised you for your talent in dance and classical music and it really did help with yourself esteem in general.

“I would want to go back one day just for vacation. There were so many spots that I didn’t get to see while I was there since school was literally year round.” you said as you hopped off the countertop to join Jihoon. “Oooo! This looks so good.”

“Eat up.” Jihoon said handing you a pair of chopsticks. “It tastes better when it’s hot.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” you said and instantly took a bite. The moan that left your mouth made Jihoon stop midbite as he saw you close your eyes in satisfaction. “And here I thought Mingyu and Jin were always good cooks...I have obviously been wronged.”

Jihoon tried to hide his blush from your compliment by lifting his bowl to take a bite himself and swallowing before he said, “It’s just one of my specialties…Mingyu does most of the cooking around here.”

“Yea, but no one really mixes the jajangmyeon and ramen noodles that well and it normally ends up being too bland or too spicy.” you said wrinkling your nose, “Yours on the other hand is one hundred percent.” you shot him a wink and took another mouthful as Jihoon sat there with a blush on his cheeks as he watched you eat.

This was something that he could really get used to...it just felt so natural with you. He didn’t have to force himself to be anyone and to him you were an open book. He was surprised how much had changed from a week ago before the two of you even met and now here he was, cooking his favorite food for someone who also loved the same thing and he couldn’t have felt anymore happier.

Eventually the conversation went to the project that you had to work on and it really didn’t take long to plan it out since you two had similar schedules since you were both part of the dance department and only had two classes for composition which you shared.

“I like that idea…” Jihoon later said once all the food was cleaned up and you were now out with your laptops going through the outline. “How about we meet up…”

Unfortunately, Jihoon couldn’t finish his sentence since Soonyoung decided to walk in with Hoseok in tow and the two proceeded to sit in front of you and Jihoon.

“Weren’t we supposed to meet at the cafe in like two hours?” you asked looking between the two grinning boys.

“Then Soonyoung said you were here and I finished classes early today and thought that we push our meeting earlier since we have a lot to discuss.” Hoseok said and looked at Jihoon, “Feel free to stick around Ji. You’re going to audition for the dance team this year right?”

“I have somethings to take care of and as I told everyone else, I’ll think about it.” Jihoon said and looked at you with a soft smile, “I’ll talk to you later then?”

You gave him a smile back and nodded, “I’ll come say bye before Hobi and I leave.”

“Does that mean you’re coming back to the house again?” Hoseok asked and you pointed at Soonyoung.

“Yes, considering he’s going to my dorm after this meeting.” you deadpanned and Soonyoung gave you a heart with his hands.

Once Jihoon was officially out of earshot and the kitchen door was closed, both boys jumped into conversation.

“Please tell me you convinced him to audition for the dance team.” Hoseok said, “We NEED someone with his skill on the team this year or else we won’t stand a chance for finals.”

“Please tell me you’ll say yes if he ever asks you out.” Soonyoung pleaded. “You’re literally the first and only person he’s cooked for since he’s gotten here so that says A LOT.”

You blinked as both boys held one of your hands each and you took them away quickly before flicking both of them on the forehead.

“You heard what he said and he didn’t tell me different.” you answered Hoseoks question, “and we literally met a week ago and didn’t you say he was hung up on his ex the last time we talked?” you asked Soonyoung.

“I don’t think he’s hooked on her anymore Y/N...and for the record, you’re the first female he’s ever looked and smiled at in two years” Soonyoung stated, “Yoongi’s told us stories about you too and I think he was interested in who you were at first but I know he fell when he met you. The guy was completely speechless at Kookies birthday party.”

“Plus Yoongi doesn’t talk highly about ANYONE who doesn’t deserve it.” Hoseok added, “Don’t you think it’s time for you to find genuine happiness too Y/N? You know those rumors don’t matter anymore and Jihoon isn’t the type to judge. Plus, Yoongi and Jin WILL approve. Jin posted it on Instagram when he found you two in the same bed for frick sake!”

“Yea, I kind of find that hilarious considering that he was taking care of me before he ditched to hang out with you and clean YOUR frat house of all places.” Soonyoung said with a pout. “So...will you say yes?”

“How about you guys just let things happen naturally as they already are?” a voice asked coming from behind you and you saw Seungcheol leaning on the door frame, “It’s obvious Jihoons already stepped out of his comfort zone by doing what he did today and I can guarantee he’s up in his room thinking things through as he always does. Plus, don’t you three have to discuss the dance program for the YEAR?” he asked and the three of you glared at him.

“Would you like to join the conversation and join the dance team this year Mr.Choi?” you asked sarcastically as a small grin appeared on Seungcheols face as he took the seat next to you.

“As a matter of fact….”

A few hours later, Jihoon decided to go and check on your little meeting surprised to find Hoseok and Soonyoung dancing around the kitchen while Seungcheol was laughing while holding his stomach. He then looked at your situation where you had your hair tied in a high bun and there were papers surrounding you.

“Is she alive…?” Jihoon asked poking your shoulder as you moaned and you looked up at him with pure exhaustion in your eyes.

“Please audition for dance team this year and not leave me with these three monsters.” you begged which made Seungcheol, Soonyoung and Hoseok laugh even harder and catching Jihoon off guard.

“Don’t forget Vernon and Chan.” Soonyoung added before grinning evily, “And Taehyung…”

“There’s also Hyungwon, Jun, Minghao…you should be happy Kimi’s coming back” Hoseok started listing as well and you stood up having enough.

“I’m done.” you said throwing the papers you had into your bag, “We’ve decided what we’ve had to decide and the audition dates are set. I can’t handle another hour with you idiots.” you stated and turned to look at Seungcheol, “And you of all people decided to come back to the dance team after two years without an audition, like what the heck!”

“It’s one less person we have to audition if you really think about it.” Hoseok said leaning on the countertop. “This leaves us four spots to fill.”

“True but still…” you sighed shaking your head, “I’m heading back to the house. Are you coming with?”

Hoseok shook his head, “I’m gonna hang out with the guys for a bit and I’ll be home later. Don’t stay up too late working again. You’re going to burn yourself out...seriously.”

“Yes grandfather.” you said sarcastically and picked up your bag before looking at everyone in the room including Jihoon, “I’ll see you guys later.”

“I’ll walk you out.” Jihoon said as he followed you out of the kitchen and to the front door. “Are you sure you’ll be okay going back yourself? You look really tired.” How had he not noticed it earlier?

“Well, having a meeting with three children for the first time in two years would do that to you” you said with a yawn, “I’ll be fine though...it’s only like a fifteen minute walk.”

Jihoon looked at you with uncertainty before acting out of impulse. He held his hand out and asked you for your phone which he put his phone number into.

“Text me when you get back then so I know you made it safe okay?” he asked and you nodded before opening the door.

“Thanks for lunch today Jihoon, it was literally the highlight of my day.” you said with a tired smile, “I’ll see you tomorrow…”

“See you tomorrow Y/N..” he said with a smile as he lead you out to the porch, “Remember to text me.”

“Got it. Bye Ji~” you said with a wave and started walking away.

Jihoon watched you disappear around the corner before closing the door. He then went up to his bedroom to cover his face with a pillow and groaned. Was he seriously going to do this?

You were the girl that Yoongi had talked non stop about whenever they would hang out or when Jihoon would go to his studio to work. After two years he was finally able to put a face to a name and personality and he had to admit, he really liked what he saw in just one day.

You were easy going, soft spoken yet full of confidence. Your smile could turn anyones frown upside down and he could tell that everyone in his frat house and the BTS frat house doted on you like a little sister so he had to ask himself again. Was he really going to do this?

He thought back to your big eyes and bright smile before thinking about the things the guys said about you which happened to be all good. He then thought back to the slump he had been in for the last two years and realized that today was that one day in those two years where he actually felt like his old determined self. After coming to a conclusion, he decided to set the plan into action.

(Three hours later)

[10:45pm] Woozi - Hey Y/N? Are you okay?

[10:45pm] Woozi - I had to get your number from Cheol because you didn’t text me...so can you please reply so I know you’re alive?

*Jajangramyeon - A mix of Jajangmyeon and spicy ramen noodles, I actually tried this combo and its legit...interesting but legit.

#woozi #kpop fiction #kpop imagine #woozi imagine #seventeen fiction #seventeen imagine #seventeen #jihoon #lee jihoon #fluff

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sunshinechii-scenarios · 5 years

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Kiss the Pain away

✿ Nct’s Renjun x Female!Reader ✿ Angst, fluff, not rlly smut but theres making out lol ✿ 2.3k words ✿ Not requested ✿ Written by Chii ✿ Masterlist!

A/N: hey kids its me,,,,renjun trash,,,whats newwwwww. I’ve had this wip for a while and got super inspired to finish it after listening to stay the night by kid travis! his other song sunset is what i wrote sunset ride too! also the blogs first year anniversary is the 10th I’M CRYING uwu - chii

✿ Description: When the world decides to unleash its wrath on you, you can find your peace of mind with someone.

You throw your school bag on the ground, letting it fall wherever it landed and slammed yourself onto your desk chair. Your phone landed on your bed when you haphazardly threw it, annoyed. Huffing, you turned on your laptop to blast music directly into your ears in attempts to drown everything out. Unfortunately, a post-it you stuck on it earlier this week was staring back at you.

“Read your chapters for next week,” you said out loud after you ripped it off the screen. You forgot you had school work. Your teacher assigned four chapters to be read by next week before the class meets and you were only given the weekend to complete it all. It wouldn’t have been an issue if this week was the worst week of your life so far.

You had gotten into the worst argument with your best friend. Lucas Wong was known around school, not for anything good though. He was a heartbreaker and you hated how much he played your best friend like a fiddle. He had been texting her, getting her hopes up and leading her on since the beginning of the semester. You thought back to when she called you at two in the morning, when she was well aware you both had class tomorrow at eight am, to ask you how she should respond to the text that he replied to. The one she sent six hours before that. You were looking out for her as friends should but she didn't see it that way. She let a boy blur her perspective of you. Her pink glasses of love turned into an angry red and accused you of wanting him as well, even going as far as to questioning your relationship with Renjun. Your brows furrowed at the last text either of you sent, is Renjun your rebound because I like Lucas? You left her with no response to her cold words and haven't talked to her since.

The final you took on Tuesday came back with an ugly 47 inside a red circle. You canceled the date Renjun set up for you two in efforts to lift the finals week stress off of both of your shoulders. You studied late into the night every night. Right after classes, you rushed to the tutoring hall and the countless hours you spent studying went to waste. All that time with the tutor, the after class sessions with a student-teacher was for nothing. You were going to fail the class unless you took up the 25 page assignment summarizing the class which would be due a day before the semester was over, which was in two weeks.

Your mind scanned all the problems you had, everything felt like rocks on your shoulders. Bringing you down, mentally and physically. The only things that helped you when you felt stressed were Renjun, your best friend and the playlist Renjun specially made for you for when you got stressed. Renjun was on his way home from his late classes, he had later classes and his commute was a lot longer than yours also. Your only option was music, so, you went into your files and played it. Your face lifted from its sour expression to a soft one when you read the title for the millionth time since he sent the playlist to you, for when the stars fall, i’m here. It was all lowercase and the playlist cover was of the two of you. You plugged in the cord and pressed play while you hauled the giant textbook from the corner of your desk and started reading. It was going to be another night coped up in your room.

After an hour or so, you pushed out from under the desk and stretched your legs that lost blood flow about 10 minutes ago, they felt like pins and needles. You paused your music and you could hear arguing. Your phone was still sitting on your bed. You could see it lighting up every now and then in your peripheral vision but right in front of you was the big, heavy textbook. Your eyes grew tired from the highlighted lines and colorful pen marks that etched the paper. You hear the bed creak in the other room and footsteps downstairs. Dad was sleeping on the couch again. You sigh and shut the book on the desk. You had no motivation to keep reading the chapters. The moon outside told you that maybe it was time to sleep, so you tried to.

As usual, the same things pop up in your head. False accusations from someone you could trust, separation of family and failure. Another night you considered crying in the pillow until you tired yourself out but tonight wasn't going to be that night. You knew Renjun finished his last final at 7 PM today and he would usually be home by 9 PM due to transportation time. You turned to your side and picked up your phone. An unknowing smile appeared on your lips when you saw Renjun as your lock screen, he was happily smiling as he sat on a picnic blanket. Your fingers move across the screen to unlock your phone and tap the messaging app. Your eyes scanned your most recent texts. Seven hours ago, a text from your college saying that final scores are out. A day ago, your mom asking you if there was milk in the fridge. Five days ago, a text from your ‘friend.’ Your mood soured and you sighed. Thankfully, Renjun's number was conveniently pinned on top of your most recents. Your fingers played across your screen to text him.

Y/N: are you awake right now? Renjun: I just got home, are you okay? Y/N: can i come over? Renjun: Of course, my parents are out on their monthly date night! Y/N: be there in 10 Renjun: I'll meet you at the door...is something wrong? Y/N: I’ll talk about it later Renjun: Alright love :(

You figure it was be best to tell him in person. You rolled off your messy bed to plant your two feet on the floor. You walk over to your closet to put something on to wear. The first thing you grabbed was one of his hoodies he gave you when you two first started going out and a random pair of black pants. You stuffed your keys, wallet and phone into your hoodie before opening your room slightly. Your mom was asleep but your dad called out your name when he heard the door hinges creak.

“Y/N?” You go down the stairs softly and walk down to the couch.

“Where are you going sweetpea? It's kind of late.” His voice was low, as if he just woke up, he probably did. He was always a light sleeper.

“I was going to visit Renjun. He just came back from his last final.” You couldn't lie to your dad and he trusted you enough to tell him the truth always.

“Ah, tell him I said hello,” your father paused before continuing, “keep him around sweetie. He really cares for you.”

You nod and you bid your dad a good night but he's already fast asleep. You sighed and fixed the blanket he had over himself before going to slide on a pair of shoes.You walk out of the door and lock it behind you. You stepped foot out the house and into the night. The sky was dark but littered with stars, mocking you almost. As dark as the sky got, there was always something shining either it be the moon or the stars. You had nothing right now.

The walk wasn’t too long, only 15 minutes. You walked closer and closer to the white house on the corner of his street. Your feet stopped at his blue mailbox with gold stickers reading out 127 on them. At your feet you see a silhouette in the orange light, your eyes follow it and there was Renjun was sitting on the steps in front of the door. The orange patio light shining from above him. You followed his shoes up his jean clad legs, all the way up to his face buried in his phone. You walk up to him and he looked up at you. He stood up and brought you into a warm hug that you wished could last forever. He mumbled a small, “I missed you so much.” You give him a lazy smile and kiss his cheek.

“Do you want to stay out here or go inside?” He asked while you were still hugging his chest.

Mumbling an “inside,” he let go of you and opened the front door. You two tossed off your shoes before going to his room, hand in hand. The sound of footsteps in sync up the wooden stairs was the only sound that could be heard before he opened his room door.

"When did you rearrange your room?" You said as you stepped into his room. The white walls were lined with his sketches and drawings. A picture of you two was proudly placed on his desk right by his laptop that was playing music at a low volume.

"Just this week, I wanted to face the window at night. Helps me sleep I’ve realized,” he said as you walked around his bed and picked up the couple plushie you bought for you two. You held it in your arms as you sat on his bed. The springs creaking as his dark blue sheets wrinkled under your weight. You giggled before speaking, “to watch out for UFOs?"

"You know me so well but no, the moon and sun reminds me of us." You turned your head to smile at Renjun. He mirrored a similar expression before walking over to the side of the bed you were on.

He crouched down and looked at you, “tell me what's wrong.”

You explained to him the events of the past week. His heart sank. He wasn't able to be there for you. He was dealing with academic related issues too but he was beating himself over not checking up on you every now and then. He felt guilty but he was there for you now, so, Renjun slowly moved you into his chest. Letting you rest on him. You took this chance to bury your face into his sweater and hug his frame. You felt the tears starting to form. As you kept talking, Renjun would stroke your head and back, trying to provide a sense of comfort and safety for you.

When you finished spilling your worries out to him, you looked up at him with teary eyes. His thumbs found their way to your cheeks and wiped away the evidence of your sadness. Your eyes fluttered in between his eyes and his lips as he came close to place a soft kiss on your forehead.

“I’m sorry nothing worked out the way you wanted to it,” he mumbled. When he pulled back, you pulled him back in, on the lips. You didn’t know what took over you. All you knew was that you needed something to help you temporarily forget your troubles. He was taken aback at first but gave into you. He closed his eyes and let you do what you needed to do. He blindly pulled the sleeves of his sweater down to his hands. You felt the soft fabric against your cheeks as he wiped the hot tears streaming down your face again. As if Renjun’s entire being was pushing out all the negativity you had inside you, the worries you had washed away each second you two spent against each other.

You let your arms circle around his neck, your hand weaving themselves in his hair and eventually playing with it while you kissed him. The kiss was soft at first but turned intense.Your nails slightly scratched at his scalp, he felt shivers up his spine. Your noses bumped each others while you deepened the kiss as far as you could with the sudden need of his lips unlike you ever felt before. When you pulled a little too hard on his hair, he groaned and it knocked you out of your trance. You quickly moved away from him. His eyes fluttered open, his lips a deeper hue of pink and his hair, messy. He blinked a few times before looking at you. Your hair was also a mess and your lips looked swollen.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you are you okay?" You worryingly asked, the last thing you wanted to do was hurt him accidentally.

His arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to him, "I'm fine." Your legs dug into his bed at either side of his body. You straightened yourself up as he held your back. You saw his dark eyes glitter in the moonlight as he look up at you. You felt him shift to sit up straight and hold onto your waist now. He let your fingers lace together at your sides before he placed a kiss on your knuckles. He looked up at you through his lashes before trailing his hand up your arm. You sat down in between his legs and he gently moved your hair from your shoulders. His lips brushed against your collarbone before giving it a featherlight kiss.

“Is this alright?” His breath was hot against your skin. You nodded. He felt your hands back in his hair, you unknowingly gripped on it harder and harder but he didn’t mind. It was like encouragement. His lips fell into one area above your collarbone before latching on and leaving harsh kisses, each one feeling like a burn, something you could get addicted to. Your hands went under his sweater to lift it off and to leave him in a plain white t shirt.

You were wrong about having nothing. The darkest skies in the night had something to hang onto for support. Something to make them feel like a whole. You had Renjun.

i love huang renjun that is all uwu - Chii

Please don’t claim this as your own and please don’t do anything with it without my permission. If you don’t want it happening to you, don’t do it to others.

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whichwitchami · 7 years

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Emmy is confronting some shit under the cut

Feel free to ignore, a lot of it is going to be rambling

I went to my favorite place today. This is possibly the first time I’ve left there not feeling bubbly and happy. It’s not bad, there’s just a lot I have to confront.

I’ve been having this feeling, this deep gut feeling, that this year may finally be the year that things fall into place for me as far as love goes. It’s just...it’s just this feeling. I won’t be alone anymore. It hit me really hard the other day, that its been 10 years since I’ve been in a relationship. The last time I had a boyfriend was when I was 15 years old. (okay 9 years technically, until September anyway). So I went in today to get a tarot reading from this beautiful woman. Every time I connect with the spiritual world with her guidance, I cry. She gets chills, we hold hands, I cry. It’s both beautiful and overwhelming. She helped me confront my depression the first time I got a tarot reading from her. Today she helped me figure out some things that I need to work on as far as what do I do when this relationship develops.

One of the cards, representing me, was the Queen of Wands, suggesting that I had all this love to give, all this nurturing, caring love. This is true. I have always wanted to lift up those around me, to support them and care for them and love them. The trouble is, I don’t always do that. I have to figure out a way to get there.

Another important card was the Five of Cups, suggesting a loss of something in my life. I think that goes back to that last relationship 10 years ago. I was 15 years old, just a child, and so incredibly vulnerable. It was the first time I had my heart shattered. For some reason, the past few weeks, this relationship has been at the forefront of my mind. I’ve been afraid of this guy coming back into my life and messing things up. (not like, literally afraid, just in a ‘what if’ sense). When I think back on that, I remind myself that every dark thing that happened in that relationship was a result of the other party. I don’t want to get too deep into it rn, but it was a very unhealthy relationship. Flash Forward to now, and every time I get kind of close to maybe going on a date with a guy, maybe, I run away. There was a guy last semester, he was all right. My friends tell me he wasn’t worth my time due to some of his personality flaws, but I have to wonder if I didn’t give him enough of a chance, if I ran away. There’s a guy that I may or may not get coffee with tomorrow. I keep telling myself he’s giving me a weird vibe. That something isn’t right about him. I talked to mama K (the awesome lady who owns my favorite place) she told me to go for it, that she didn’t get bad vibes from him. I know she wouldn’t tell me that if it wasn’t true. She’s such a wonderful lady, she wouldn’t encourage this if she felt he was off. Even with her encouragement, I want to run.

B, the lady I had the reading with today, and I talked a lot about confidence. I have to rebuild that confidence in myself, but I don’t know how to. I tell myself that I’m confident, I know who I am and I love that person.....emotionally. Kind of. Like I’m happy with who I am mentally, but theres still something holding me back. I just can’t figure out what that is. One thing B and I talked about is this reluctance to be fully present. Like, when I do go out with friends, I help plan, I get everyone together, and then I sit back and say “I did my part” so when everyone is engaging and sharing and connecting, I’m hiding in a corner. I don’t know how to break that habit. I’m an introvert. It takes so much energy just to make the plan and leave the house. How the hell am I supposed to then connect on a deeper level?

Another thing B said that resonated with me: “You are so full of sweetness, of kindness and caring. You are a loving and nurturing person.”

Do you have any idea how many people say that to me? How often I’m told how sweet and genuine and kind I am? Everybody tells me that I’m like that, and I take pride in being nice to everyone but....what if that’s just a defense mechanism? what if its not who I really am? I’m not even sure at this moment who the authentic Emmy is. All I know is I’m insecure and I want more, but I don’t know how to get more. What if I’m sweet and kind to everyone so they don’t see the fearful, broken and insecure me hiding beneath the surface. How do I fix that part of me so that I can start showing my true self?

I get caught up on this thought from high school. I have a memory of sitting in my best friends attic, working on a project. While we were sitting there, I confessed to her, that I felt like everyone was friends with me because they saw my true, broken self, and they felt bad for me because I was weird and couldn’t make real friends. She was so hurt that I said that. She reassured me that nobody in our friend group felt that way, and I felt good about it. moving forward to now, none of those people talk to me anymore. I send them birthday cards every year, and I try to connect, but its like I’m not important in their lives anymore. so....in a sense what i feared came true. They weren’t really my friends, not truly. It’s the same with my friends from undergrad. I know some of them love me, but I don’t feel like they’re a true friend, like how I’m a friend. Once a friend, always a friend. I am fiercely loyal and will take care of you no matter what. I want someone who will care about me that way but they always seem to fade away. That friend I was working on a project with? She’s still my best friend in my mind, but I haven’t spoken to her in a year I think? Not a real conversation, a deep, true, friend conversation.

How can I build confidence and cultivate relationships when I can’t connect? When I can’t even figure out who I really am and how to show people that?

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore, I’m just rambling. I’m hoping to get my thoughts together better in the morning.

I love who I am, as an introvert who would rather stay home and read a book or watch a movie and cuddle than go out. But if I don’t go out, how am I to find that person I connect with? That person to share my loving and caring nature with? I don’t want to be alone forever, but my nature stops me from going out and meeting people. i don’t know how to change the things that I need to change. I’m not even 100% sure what those things are.

I want to grow. B has shown me over and over that I can grow. E ( a spirit guide) has shown me that I can grow. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to listen to them and start that ball rolling. I don’t know how to build that confidence that was shattered back up. I don’t know how to let go of the things holding me back so that I can grow. I just don’t know. How do I let others in so that I can grow? I feel like I can’t do this alone, yet I need to do it alone at the same time.

#rambling #about emmy #i don't even know what to tag this

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dy1kjxxa-blog · 5 years

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arsnovac12 · 5 years

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I go on runs from time to time when I’m back in Burbank, I enjoy keeping active, but it’s mostly an excuse to get out of the house. When I come home on holiday, I become confined to my parents house without any means of viable transportation. I have my drivers license, sure, but no car. My parents can’t afford to buy me one, and I can’t afford to get one myself. In fact, even if I could afford a car, I certainly couldn’t afford the insurance to go with it. Anyway, all this is to say I go on runs so I don’t feel too confined to my house.

That’s not very interesting, is it? Some things just tend to be that way. The life of a poor twenty-one year old white kid is never all that interesting in the first place. My life, my story, whatever it is, is not irregular. In fact, it’s one most people in America know very well, because it gets championed whenever one of us poor white kids gets rich and famous. Surprise, surprise, it happens pretty frequently.

So why write about it? I don’t know. Does it really matter if no one sees it in the first place? Maybe not. I guess I backed myself into a corner. If you’re reading this (if anyone is reading this) you’re probably expecting me to dive further in. Ultimately, you might say, there’s no point in agonizing over whether or not you’re going to talk about your life, because you already started writing a blog post about it, and it has to go somewhere. It does, doesn’t it? So why start with a lengthy preamble full of rhetorical questions? Besides being a clear literary crutch I’m struggling with, I think I feel indebted to having a conversation or dialogue about these things, as if to hide from some private guilt I have in telling any personal story. Writing has clearly become some sort of therapy to me, where I play both doctor and patient. The results are always inconclusive.

Anyway I should get back to the bullshit lede about running. Look, I like running, and it’s when my head is its most clear, so forgive me for using it as a starting point. Most of my ideas come to me when I run, so it was only fitting that it become the brief anecdote that starts a blog post that holds the kernel of what I’m going for. Which, now that I’m thinking about it, I didn’t really get to. Look at me, whining before I even finished my “insignificant thing is contorted into something profound” anecdote. Okay, I’ll finish the story:

I like to go on runs. I feel trapped at my house, and I like to get out. Anyway, whenever I run, I take the same path. It leads away from my house towards the park in the hills where people would take their prom photos back in high school. The path mostly runs parallel to the major streets and hits several large intersections on its way. In all, the run from the house to the park and back is about five miles. Yesterday, I reached the park and stopped for some water. This wasn’t irregular or anything, but I took my time and drank more that I usually would. Then, something compelled me to keep running. The hills in Burbank are filled with expensive homes, and near the top of the street, sort of tucked away, there’s a pretty large mansion that’s almost gothic in its design. Anyway, I guess it was my curiosity that drove me to keep going. To get a look at that mansion, and the others around it.

So, I kept running for another half mile or so to see this mansion. On the way up, the houses got larger and more impressive looking, and I was filled with a mounting sense of dread. Eventually I reached the cul-de-sac with the house on its end. Naturally the street, called Viewcrest if you can believe it, was the most decadent one yet. Their driveways were filled with expensive cars I don’t know the names of, carefully manicured lawns, and about ten security cameras lining every porch. I got closer to the end of the street where the imposing mansion was, but it was tucked away from the front and hardly visible. I didn’t get much closer than fifty or sixty feet. The drive way had a large black Hummer sitting in it; another, more psychological warning sign for someone like me to keep away.

I left pretty quickly after I got there. No one was out, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being unwelcome. Before I turned the corner and left the street completely, I had the strange desire for someone to come out of their house and scold me for even coming there. In this fantasy, would I stand my ground, or run away as is fitting for my station? My brain firing it’s typically small amount of synapses couldn’t quite make it that far. Instead, I was caught up in the swell of what righteous injustice such a thing should muster.

This story isn’t very interesting, I know. Nothing really happens in it and there isn’t much imagery to it, but it caught me off guard as I thought about it again today. I had the idea to write about the experience soon after it happened while I was still running, but I, ever the proactive one, put it off. In sitting down with it today, I realize how full of shit I am.

Before I go on, I’ll give a little more context for my life. As mentioned briefly before, I’m a poor white kid. My parents are loving if occasionally abusive, or maybe abusive if occasionally loving. We live in my (deceased) grandmothers house and can’t afford any necessary repairs on it to make the place livable. My dad lost his job about a year and a half ago that was going to take him to retirement, now he works at target. My mother is a hoarder, not to the extreme you may have seen on television, but certainly well beyond what the general society might deem as healthy. She works just enough hours at the Disney Corporation’s day care so that they don’t have to give her full time benefits.

Two of my adult brothers still live at home, crowding the house further. They could, should they allot their funds correctly, afford to have their own place, but my parents discourage that sort of thing. Coming from lower middle class families, both of them have really only known economic uncertainty their whole lives. To have their children live lives separated from themselves means certain uncertainty. Plus, when you don’t have the kids at home, there’s no one left to accuse of being a burden.

I, more than any of my brothers, struggled against my parents to have a normal life. For a while I was pretty damaged; my parents fundamental conservatism really did a number on me. I was a hateful kid, saying cruel things to people that didn’t deserve it. When I got to high school, it took a little while, but I became a better person. Still prone to bouts of selfishness, I began to try a little harder for things. I quit running competitively in high school to join the theater, much to my parents chagrin, and also started dating. Naturally my parents tried putting a stop to both.

By the time I finished high school, I had cut ties with most everyone that knew me there. By its end, I had partially realized that I hadn’t progressed all that much as a person and was still rather selfish. My assumptions that people did not like me were eventually proven correct when I had finally done something that had made me worth disliking. I receded further into myself, even more aware of my deepest flaws.

Eventually I made it to college where I became more depressed than I had ever been before. Towards the end of the semester, my mom ordered me to call after weeks of ignoring her. During that phone call, I told her that I wanted to kill myself. Horrified, she said that they could afford to send me to therapy, I said no, it would be too much of a hassle and it would get to be too expensive. She was relieved and thus the matter was settled and never spoken of again.

So today, I sit in my crowded bedroom in my decaying house (yes, there are rats now) and try and write a story, a true story, about how running in the rich part of town made me sad. So often I am desperately seeking a new lede, some way to ease into the story of my life, so I come up with the flimsiest ones imaginable as opposed to just starting from the beginning. I’m no one I tell myself, so why bother in the first place? No one will read it anyway. But so often, I’m met with the same dull idea that I have a story worth telling. The cynic in me is so embarrassed to want to explain away my life that it has to invent a dialogue with no one to justify wanting to tell an over told story. The poet in me wants to make something beautiful out of my life, and will find any excuse to do so in the most meaningless of events. The realist is here with you trying to make sense of these two voices.

I am obsessed with artifice. Look anywhere in my life and you’ll see it. I’m a theater performance major. I sit at home alone and watch movies that very few people like to gage some sensationalist position on. I go running by major streets hoping that someone, anyone from my past will see me and say hello. I run to the park I took my prom pictures at for the hope that some ounce of high school happiness will be absorbed back into myself, so that I can pretend I didn’t lose all my friends from those years by being selfish. I run further into the hills because deep down I know it might lead to something worth writing about. Only to now finally realize there wasn’t much of a story there to begin with. There, or anywhere.

Self pitying is probably what most people would call this. I’ll probably call it that too. Maybe it’s a cry for help. Maybe. Or maybe it’s a desperate plea for attention from an empty audience, because the author thinks that’s most poetic of all.

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