#things have gone almost too well

[vroom-vroom-weird-cars]

ferrari did a masterpiece, i am almost too suspicious to enjoy it

#chiara watches f1 for the imola cat #things have gone almost too well

[cerise-on-top]

Hugging, Kissing and Cuddling HCs for König

I'm trying to see him in another light again after everything I've seen about him, so I decided I'd write something fluffy and nice for him. And then came the realization I never wrote some HCs like these for him in my original posts, so I decided I'd change that! He's Austrian, so naturally I have to love him!

When it comes to hugging someone, König is a bit hesitant. Considering he’s not the most physically affectionate person out there, it’s almost an honor to be receiving an unprompted hug from him. Whether his hugs are long or short depends on the occasion: If he’s proud of you for accomplishing something, then the hug will be rather short lived. Though, he might pick you up and spin you around until you’re dizzy. If you’re sad and need some comfort then his hugs could last a while. He’s not the best with words, he prefers to listen to other people, but if he knows a hug is what usually helps you then he’s willing to do so. Despite being a big and strong lad his hugs are surprisingly gentle, he’s worried about crushing you. He could put his all into them, but then you’d likely end up with a few broken ribs and he doesn’t want that to happen. König is also surprisingly warm, so receiving a hug from him is a rare, but nice experience. Although he does go rigid at the beginning, not knowing what to do, but relaxes into the hug eventually.

Again, he’s not a very physically affectionate person, but isn’t opposed to the occasional peck on the cheek or on your lips either. There is some anxiety whether you’d actually want a kiss from him or not, so he doesn’t kiss you very often, even if you do reassure him that it’s quite alright. He’s a bit tense at first when he presses a kiss to your lips, but calms down eventually. It’s especially bad during the beginning of your relationship, but he’s since gotten better at being calm about it. Since there’s a good chance he’s taller than you he loves giving you a kiss on the forehead. It’s a small but sweet gesture. He doesn’t need to bend down entirely to reach you but he still gets to be affectionate with you. However, if you’re on the taller side, or just as tall as he is, then he’d love to receive kisses to his temple from you. It makes him smile every time you do it. If he’s in the mood for receiving a kiss then he’ll lay his head on your shoulder and nudge you a bit. Or try to get his head in your closer vicinity. Kind of like that one bunny video where the bunny stretches to receive some kisses.

Cuddles with him are a bit more common than hugs actually. However, he refuses to lay down on top of you. If you’re shorter and weaker than him then there’s no chance he’ll put his weight on you, he’s just that afraid of hurting you. If you’re taller or just more muscular, then he might, but he’s still a rather heavy lad. Most he’ll do is put his head on your shoulder while you’re cuddling in bed and are both lying down. Although it’d be a lie to say he doesn’t want to be held. König is alright with being the one to hold you, but sometimes he would prefer to be the little spoon as well. That urge gets especially bad if you’re roughly the same size as him. Sometimes just nuzzling into your chest does the trick for him as well, though. Loves it when you run your fingers through his hair as he does so. Another thing he adores is you sleeping on his chest as he holds you. He gets to hold you close, he gets to protect you and he gets to doze off a bit himself, it’s bliss to him. Sometimes he leans down to press a kiss to your head and accidentally wakes you up like that. He feels bad about it and apologizes profusely, but does chuckle a bit when he sees your disheveled hair and your tired expression that shows you just woke up.

#cod #cod x reader #konig #könig #konig x reader #könig x reader #he actually kind of scares me these days even if I don't want that to happen in the slightest so I'm trying to desensitize myself again #I know people always joke about fanon könig vs canon könig but I think I will write him a bit softer with his s/o again #just to combat all those awful things I've seen about him that I don't want to be true and that I also want to forget about #könig is a big lad so I knew from the beginning I wanted him to be good at hugging because this is self indulgent #I feel like if it weren't for his anxiety he'd be much much cuddlier #because that's the case with me even if I have other things going on as well #and what is a funny character you write about if not another piece of yourself? #I've put so much of myself into some of these characters and yet people keep requesting them so I must be doing something right #it's more fun that way as well when you put your characters through something you've gone through. more relatable too #but I think that's something pretty much every writer does. that's why some requests are so difficult to write #I got one about marrying Laswell and Nikolai and that was a difficult request for me because the last wedding I went to #was my parents' and that was almost 18 years ago. man time flies I was 4 years old back then #so naturally I don't remember much either. But I tried and that's what's important! #either way please enjoy this piece of fluff I wrote today!

[zabiume]

on a slightly related note, i know we joke about ichigo being a dumbass (and sometimes he is), but he's also so much smarter than people give him credit for. i remember initially being frustrated by chapter 479, where ichigo "forgives" ukitake and soul society for stalking him using the combat pass, but i trust ichigo and it's interesting to see in retrospect that this is the same chapter where ichigo asks them to let him take ginjou's body back. the shinigami express outrage at this, and soi fon and shinji specifically mention all the awful things ginjou has done (especially to ichigo's family and friends), but ichigo says "it's not about forgiving or not forgiving; he was a deputy soul reaper"

this is essentially ichigo saying to soul society, "give him dignity for his services and i can trust that you'll do the same for me when my time comes." while ginjou went full-hostile-mode against soul society, ichigo plays his cards a little more cleverly. soul society needs ichigo, and ichigo needs his shinigami powers, so he's willing to take the first step of forgiving their transgressions so they'll (hopefully) pay him the same respect

#kubo does often paint the gotei as very morally dark grey but he also frequently peppers in the idea of trust between them and ichigo #they owe him too much and they know that if they step out of line he won't hesitate to hold them accountable. he's powerful enough to do it #and his heart is almost always in the right place #he's a useful ally to them and they're a useful ally to him but the thing about ichigo is that he's an ally to EVERYBODY #even those in hueco mundo the fullbringers the visoreds his friends & family his quincy allies etc etc #they couldn't claim a monopoly on him even if they wanted to because his duties have gotten so magnanimous #that he's now gone well beyond just being an extension of soul society in the living world #he's the savior of ALL worlds and has routinely been more conscientious than they have #i think it would have been a horrendous decision to walk back on all of that by putting him in a white robe and calling it a day #ichigo's relationship with soul society has always been one of the most interesting and complex dynamic in the series #and you would definitely lose that by having SOUL SOCIETY - as it is in its current form - be its end goal #kubo might be inconsistent with a lot but it's telling that he's always maintained ichigo's heroic status as something he already is #and not something he's yet to attain by reaching for a rank or a title #sorry for tag ranting but um #stan ichigo <3 #*dynamics #*HIS end goal smh

[panharmonium]

captain “we can’t afford compassion” yamato strikes again 

#😭😭😭 #okay #first of all #'it doesn't matter whether the things you do for him are great or small' - probably top ten naruto lines for me #second of all #yamato's original mission with team kakashi may have gone off the rails pretty quickly #but the way he handles each individual kid is so effective #this conversation with sakura? perfect #making the executive decision to tell naruto 'the one who injured sakura was you'/the whole 'forget the fox; use your own strength' speech? #masterful #quietly anticipating sai's every move because he used to BE sai in another life? showstopping #THIRD of all - #yamato almost never does these kinds of 'i'm gonna talk about Feelings' conversations #and in this case when he does - #well not to put too fine a point on it but #i think if sakura had had this conversation with gai she might have gotten surprisingly similar advice #naruto #a true equal #team kakashi #*

[deus-ex-mona]

The Sisters' Secret Seaside Trip: Chapter 3

thank you, midori, for your hard work

previous part (chapter 2)

next part (chapter 4)

(tw for dieting)

A few days after Sena had commenced her diet—

Sena: (Hmm… I’ve slimmed down a little, but… I don’t feel so good these days…)

Director: Alright, let’s start shooting the next scene!

Sena: I look forward to working with you!

Sena: (But we’re shooting the climax of the drama, so I’ve got to give it my all!)

Sena: (Um… My first line was…)

Sena: (...Huh?)

Actress: Hey, Director! Narumi collapsed!

Director: Sena?! Are you okay?!

Manager: Sena!

Sena: (Everyone’s worried about me… I have to stand up as quickly as I can, but…)

Sena: (I-I can’t get up…)

Following Sena’s collapse, the filming for the drama was halted. As if on instinct, Sena gave Midori a call—

Midori: Sena!

Sena: Ah… Midori.

Midori: …I’m glad you’re okay…

Midori: I was so worried when you suddenly told me that you’d “collapsed in the middle of filming”...

Sena: I’m so sorry… for calling you out at this time of day.

Midori: I’m fine with it, but you’ve got work tomorrow, don’tcha? You don’t look so good, so you should get some rest instead…

Sena: No.

Midori: …Sena?

Sena: No, my work for tomorrow was rescheduled for another day.

Sena: I even caused today’s filming to get called off. I’m supposed to be a professional, and yet…!

Midori: Don’t say that…

Sena: I’m pretty sure it’s because I’ve been dieting too much.

Sena: To think that I can’t even manage my diet, despite being a model…

Midori: …

Midori: …Yannow… I don’t really get what your job’s all about…

Midori: But I think everyone makes mistakes, no matter who they are.

Sena: …

Midori: What happened today has already passed. All that matters now is how you’re gonna make up for it later.

Midori: So… you don’t hafta blame yourself unnecessarily anymore. Just rest well for now.

Sena: Midori…

Midori: You’re giving it your all, Sena. I know it for a fact, cuz I said so.

Midori: I mean, you received that offer to model for the swimsuit special cuz of your hard work, right?

Sena: …Yeah…

Midori: So, wouldn’t you say that you’re fine just the way you are right now?

Midori: I, too, love you… exactly the way you are now, Sena.

Sena: …!

Midori: Well… You’re perfectly stylish as you are now, Sena, but that’s not all there is to you…

Midori: Like you’ve got that smile of yours that’s able to charm everyone, and your silky smooth hair, and you’re dependable yet sweet…

Midori: Wait, no, I’m the only one who should know that part ‘bout you, so let’s leave it at that.

Midori: In any case! You’ve got tons of charm points that other models simply do not have!

Midori: In other words, there’s no need for you to force yourself to diet!

Sena: …Hehe.

Midori: …What’re you laughing at?

Sena: Thanks, Midori. I really do feel recharged whenever I see you...

Midori: Ah? Yeah, I feel the same way too.

Sena: Alright! I’ll continue to give it my all tomorrow!

Midori: Geez, didn’t I tell you that there’s no need to push yourself so hard…?

Sena: I’m done with dieting! I’m fine just the way I am… right?

Midori: …!

Midori: Yeah, that’s the spirit.

#sena sells seashells by the seashore #just honeypre things #mdsn wedding song waiting room g o #almost halfway ther e guys mona will be coming back sooooon #hmmmmm maybe i'll finally return to idol sengen once im done with this event story... it sure has been a loooong while huh... #ngl was planning on doing mona's main story + detective arisa + the jk trio sleepover events too but. uh. i don't have time for that s o b #but well! at least all of the dream story events will be done once this is. well. done...? #then again... i have absolutely no clue if anyone even reads these lmaoooo i mean. honeypre (rip) is long gone and no longer relevant (rip) #i seriously miss this dumb game though... can't believe we never got ryou and nagisa in honeypre :( #gamushara did make it in as a beatmap but. it just isn't the sameeeeeeeeeee #i think the game could've been saved from eos for at least 2 months if they added kawaikute gomen though ngl #...though ig that would've made people call it 'the game with kawaikute gomen' huh... oh wellssssss #.hm. i think that's enough screentime for one day. gn!!!!!!

[caterpillarinacave]

People need to talk about Roman Torchwick more

#I’m genuinely serious Roman holiday makes him such an interesting charcater #Becuase he’s not??? Like??? Evil??? #like he’s simultaneously such a total ass and so nice #It seems like literally his entire childhood was him doing something nice and getting it thrown back into his face #Like to the point that it’s almost stupid #It takes him like 15 more years than it should have to decide to stop trusting people #It makes me wonder so much how it would have gone if the government did it’s job and didn’t leave him to die on the streets #Like if ONE singular good person or even just an okay person was like “yeah come with me you can have a place to stay and I won’t beat you” #He’d be like “well I guess the world is a good place” #If someone tossed him into beacon he’d still be a sarcastic fruity asshole but you KNOW he’d kick ass #I have so many feelings #Rwby #roman torchwick #neo #neopolitan #roman holiday #Y’all know that audio “I got some colour back. She thinks so too. I laugh like me again” #The things I would do with that id roman holiday was animated #For a raving lunatic he’s pretty well adjusted

[carnation-damnation]

A hiatus, or semi-hiatus, of sorts.

Trigger warnings for cancer and parental death.

#My mother is dying. #Shes been in pain for quite a while #but everythings come to a head in the last few months because of developing cancer that we were completely blindsided by #and now its almost entirely too late #I dont know how much time I have with her. theres still that slim possibility that she could bounce back but it isnt looking that way. #what does this mean for me on here? well im not sure yet. #If youve been following for a really REALLY long time you'd know that i was around here when my father died back in 2017. #I cope with grief by distracting myself with outside stimuli and drawing. #because of the circumstances: this time is different #im not sure if i'll be on here at all or if ill be on here too much to not think about it. but eventually something will happen #and I'll need to give my attention to my family #im not posting this out to get pity or sympathy. I dont like to hear things like that. im posting this because there are #some people who i only talk to on tumblr #and I dont want to make people worry about me if I'm suddenly gone for months at a time (if this comes to pass) #if you've read this far. thank you. #personal

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think

I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.

#i have adhd ptsd and depression myself #and im not sure if physciatrists are misunderstanding (ima be honest ive lost a lot of my faith in them for stuff like this) again #or if its just a coincidental overlap in the presentation of the conditions #it would honestly make a lot of sense to me though #a lot of physciatrists and therapists agree that bpd is a trauma disorder #it almost feels like what happens if you recieve the trauma that would cause DID (i have DID as well) but #but either at an older age or without the necessary capacity for dissociation required #the reason i say adhd is because the link between adhd and depression seems heavily overlooked #not to mention the effects of adhd in adulthood #given that bpd is a trauma disorder im guessing a lot of people with the condition were neglected by their parents to some degree #not necessarily all but enough that adhd symptoms in childhood would go undiagnosed #and once youre an adult its much harder to get a diagnosis #youre more likely to be diagnosed with things like depression and bipolar disorder #because its gone on so long that its sort of metastasized into more har. #*more harmful conditions #i could be totally wrong about the adhd thing #i just think that its unacceptable how ineffective the treatments are for it #feel free to tell me about your experiences with the condition if you have bpd #that includes self diagnosed people too btw. anyone with bpd #i know a lot of people who suffer needlessly because doctors are incompetent so im just really passionate about this

[perilegs]

every time i try to do something scary on purpose for my social anxiety the universe decides to add in unexpected situations 😔

#i was supposed to go pick up a package and then i was like. ok wait. ive gotten good at buying something while pickiing a package up. what #if i also buy stamps #bc you have to ask the cashier for those (same as with the package) #and it was just at my cornerstore so it's a safe nonscary environment #well. as not-scary as any store can be. #but. there were a lot of ppl there. which! i thought would be fine bc the line was still relatively short but. what happened was that they #opened another register. #and i was queuing for the reguster that had stamps and handles packages #and i would have loved to stay at the queue. but. only one person went to the queue of the new register. so there were 2 ppl in line before #me. one already had their stuff on the conveyor belt and the other was about to put their stuff there too #and the person who went to the other register only had like 2 things to buy. so. it was me. in line behind 2 people. versus an almost #empty register. so. i had to switch to the free register before the cashier had the time to b like 'there's a free register here!' #bc i don't have a script for hearing that and saying 'no' !!! #so i just. switched over and bought my snacks. leaving the store with no package and no stamps. #bc if i hadnt i would have had to say something i dont have a social script for and probably stumbled on my words and gone red and dizzy #which. not ideal. #and this sucks ass bc all i really needed was one (1) success in a social situation #bc this week has been kicking my ass social anxiety wise #usually when i go and get coffee from a coffeeshop they dont ask me shit and just make my order to regular milk which. ok. i dont have an #allergy or anything. i just think plant alternatives taste better in coffee #but this week. i got asked 'do you want that in regular milk?' and i was not expecting that #so i was like 'yes please 😊' and drank my grossly milky coffee dreaming about what i could have had #and that happened TWICE #after the first time i did think about it and decide i could have said 'do you have oat milk or something' and then the barista #could have either said yes or no and both of those would b easy to answer #but instead of asking if they have oat milk i just said yes. again. #can you guys imagine some people speak without being scared #some people even go to the store without feeling even an ounce of fear. imagine #leevi talks

[ratstuckinamarble]

im gonna inflict you with the knowledge that, while doodling that diving griffin pic, i had Atemlos durch die Nacht (live in Munchen 2022) on repeat >:)

AND, the whole time the image in my head was something like this:

sorry Rat ^w^;

The gall! >:0

Well... Perhaps this Rat gave the version you mentioned a listen. And perhaps, it was not as bad as I remembered.

Maybe, just maybe, I was kinda grooving to that... But only in small amounts! I gotta keep this a very rare occasion as to not hate the song again XD

#aaaah I love that concert scene you made kjdhfkujsh #a small rat is easy to carry along huh XD #that's so freaking adorable #just SWOOP- like a plushy XD #well the rat was convinced after all; even if it took a struggle #I adore how you drew the hind paws #and the big tail! gosh looking at that again I should make the tail more chonky in the future too cause I love the look #and your wolf looks so happy; oh they're beautiful #absolutely love how you drew the claws #plus the background; I can just imagine us there XD #only /you'd/ manage to drag me to a Helene Fischer concert lol #cause if listening to that can bring forth something as gorgeous as that griffin; it is perhaps worth giving a second chance #but that front view of your wolf is so damn cute #I did not expect to be graced with more of your art and after a long day it is a DELIGHT #ya know I almost went to a concert this monday #if I hadn't been so busy I would have gone #but alas; such a thing would have been too draining; even if it would have been fun #maybe another time #until then #I think imagining our rat- and wolfsonas there is even better XD #rätposting #ask by: #a-dauntless-daffodil #art by dauntless #rät's art shenanigans #I missed drawing your wolf

[atthebell]

started a long post that i will keep in my drafts that's just every single thing i would fix and why and it might be the catharsis ive needed

#bell.txt #i feel bad posting like every single criticism i have but genuinely at this point #its been almost six months since ive been happy with the larger way things have gone #and i really really hope that some of the changes going on help with the issues i personally have #like frankly the admin interference thing has been such a big problem #and the like. scaling everything up too much #so if those really do change i will be happy because they are the biggest problems ive had in terms of larger narrative #in terms of character centric stuff. well its hard to fix stuff that already got so metrically fucked #but i have faith in players to try to get their stories across how they want them #this is also silly because i genuinely have not complained that much #compared to how much i have in private chats and how much i have to say about things #because every time i give my opinion people get pissed off at me #but whatever apparently i cannot have opinions on my personal blog on tumblr dot com

[devilbrakers]

OC DUALITY

was tagged by @morvaris​ to take this uquiz for my ocs >:) thank you nico this was super fun!!

tagging: @numbaoneflaya @time-is-a-lake @aartyom @nuclearstorms @girlbosselrond @druidgroves @malefiicarum @swordcoasts  @aldcaldos @sufferthorn @steelport @calenhads @lavinet​ and anyone else who’d like to join in !!

you and the hat man

oh boy you're fighting demons aren't you? it's like you're in a constant staring competition with something that's always in the peripheral. what the fuck. (at least, that's how people who don't know you would react). at this point you've probably gotten pretty familiar with the hat man. he's a reliable kind of guy. keeps to himself, sure, but you can trust him to be there. maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side. you can only imagine what it will be like when he's not there any more.

god-hungry scientist and their abominable child

you stitched something together inside of yourself and gave it life with light from the sky and now it won't die and you can't kill it because part of you loves it and you're not quite right in the head or the person you used to be but at the end of the day it's simply a beast of sadness. you crave the mercy you didn't get from your creators and so i'm telling you please forgive yourself. please hold the monster by the hand.

moon curse of the werewolf

you have found yourself hungered or sickened or ambitious to the point of emotional carnage. you are fine, until you're not, and then you could rip someone in your way apart with your bared teeth by complete accident, and later claw at yourself in fits of pain trying to apologize. do you look at the moon that blessed you in her name, at her marred beauty and baneful eyes, and wish she could just crush that loving-hateful heart of yours before it crushes itself? every bite you take out of flesh is a response to the threads of silver bullets in you that haven't healed. the duality is that the human inside is howling too, gnashing, and without the wolf pelt, everyone can ignore it and turn away. at some point, you got tired of the moon being your only witness. now the wolf is there to make sure others know that you are hurt, and deserving of humanity, of attention to wounds. because that wolf loves you; all of you; and knows when you are hurt better than yourself.

#feel free to ignore this if you want !! idk how many people have already been tagged fjsdkl #anyway. going to be annoying abt this in the tags now <3 #the main thing that gets me abt gray's is the 'maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side' #like????? ik the hat man thing is probs supposed to be funny and it kinda is but it fits them so well #almost everyone close to them has died or left them atp but maybe it isn't so bad. just to have one constant #dmitri :| yeah. yeah #everything he felt he had to become to save his sister who was dead the whole time anyway but ended up being a better survival tactic anyway #so he just stuck with it until he died but then he comes back as a demon and now he has to live with what he did forever #i don't think he really could ever forgive himself. mainly for failing nina but it's started to eat him alive less and less over the years #mainly bc he does everything he can not to think about it too much but he also doesn't really want to totally get rid of that part of #himself. the part that was capable of torturing and killing all those people bc it really was powered by love and desperation to some extent #and that proves that maybe he has some shred of humanity left even if she's been gone for decades now #not that he does shit like that anymore. but he's capable and willing to for those he loves even if they'd probably hate him for it #and miko's :( #yeah #lashing out at people when it gets to be too much which is often given the life that she lives and then beating herself up for it nonstop #but it's also a way to protect herself and even tho she died young it got her pretty far #and it helped her protect other people (mainly gray and blake) when it came down to it because she couldn't stand seeing them hurt either #idk if i articulated myself v well but yeah jfdsklfdjs my dmc gang are all my blorbos #my ocs #tag #gray #dmitri #miko

[junonreactor]

looking for a pencil to sketch some stuff down and all i can find are pens. ihave 90000000 pens somehow but NO pencils????

#that sounds incorrect. i have only very rarely purchased pens but up through like. age 20 #i refused to write in anything but pencil for as many things as possible. how are they all gone #ein babbles #I FOUND MY OLD PENCIL CASE AND IT HAS 3 ERASERS AND A HIGHLIGHTER BUT NO PENCILS???? #i found a different pencil case and it has con merch in it . from like. 5 years ago. well. i guess i know where that went #almost an hour later i have found pencils. but they're unsharpened wooden pencils. so now i'm fucking whittling them with scissors #honestly at this point it would be easier to use pen but too late now

[throwing-roses-into-the-abyss]

Guess who almost fainted at a party tonight and spent the rest of it sitting on the floor with bowls of snacks

#i uh. may be a bit too stressed. #i haven't been eating and sleeping all that well #my neck/shoulders keep hurting #for the past week or so i've been having headaches and waves of nausea #it's almost as if my body is sending me signals or something 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 #(i promise i'm working on it and trying to force myself to eat more than 2 very flimsy meals in a day) #(i also promise that i'm keeping an eye on things and will call the doctor if things don't improve) #(but i have genuinely been insanely stressed #what with my dad being gone and this being the first holidays/birthday/etc without him #i caught yet another cold which means i can't see my mum again #i wanted to do a lot of cleaning but i just. can't. although i do try #i've been really stressed about finding a name for my exhibit #and also the general everything of it #idk i keep trying to do fun things and relax and get out of the house #because i know i'm really severely depressed atm #but it takes so much energy and i'm not eating enough for it really #idk everything's so hard right now #i just want to curl up and cry and sleep for the next year or so but i can't)

[silverislander]

i might have to ask my chaucer prof for an extension on this assignment and fucking god i really don't want to. i REALLY don't want to

i've already had to email him to get the details on literally every single assignment and quiz we've done for two different classes bc he keeps forgetting to give them to us on time, so he definitely knows me by now and i am TERRIFIED it's getting annoying even tho i know it was fully justified. i also recently had to ask him to move my presentation date back for this class (bc he didn't fucking give us the topics for weeks on end so i couldn't have started it early even if i hadn't been too busy to try) which he did do

but i am Going Through It rn w my brain. it's getting really bad again. whenever i open the doc w my essay i just have this wave of anxiety and i can't start writing it. there's only five days left until the deadline, it is five pages and i've written two sentences of the intro + have no sources, i do not have time to procrastinate on this i barely have time to finish it as it stands rn

#rn i think if i dont have at least every paragraph started by saturday night im gonna have to ask for an extension #and i SUPER dont want to do that bc this has the ability to quickly become a pattern i know myself #im almost def gonna need extensions on at least one of the final projects too bc i always do i should save these requests for then #eventually people are going to stop giving them to me and just assume im being lazy #levi.txt #it doesnt help that ive been so busy i havent gone anywhere but school for almost a month #im supposed to be going out about once a week for my anxiety but i havent had time. bc of school #and my parents are really pressuring me to get things sorted for the honours essay next semester and its stressing me the fuck out #this prof also has been awful at giving us what we need to get started early #well have a quiz in old english and he gives us the things we need to study at 9pm the night before #he only gave me the presentation topics 2wks before my original date. bc i emailed him begging to let me change the date so i can prepare #and its stupid but im also worried bc i dont have a halloween costume yet and ive been wanting to go shopping for it for months now #and then i worry bc ill have to spend money on it and i already dont have a lot #so basically rn my life is school im constantly stressed i havent seen my friends in weeks and i have nothing to look forward to #i am Not Doing Great

[unproduciblesmackdown]

thinking about how of course billions is about people trapped in eternal battle world, and trapped because they won't ever exit, and don't want to because that's the only way they can define their idea of themself or like move through life, to the degree they have to just create or find another battle if one ends or they don't have enough going on at once or they're unhappy about anything & can only respond to that the only way they'll respond to anything: finding someone to consider a target to Defeat & being like nice, i'm so competent & active as a person, so with any other issues in my life, i'm sure it's not my fault at least

and it's been clear that to be someone at the Center of the show means needing to be inflexible enough to never leave that life, which also probably means never engaging in genuine self-reflection besides like, fuming in distress for 5 sec & then immediately searching for blame for someone else, or calling up your designated moral supporter who'll tell you you're upset b/c you're very complex & sympathetic & maybe if you do [xyz] you'll be able to Keep Winning, so like, don't worry, we'll never get too off track here. you have someone like connerty who cares so much about playing by the rules ft. ethics, but he was also someone completely inflexible who would give a shit like "ha ha you broke the law" and be Defeated b/c like yeah damn you do got him in that situation. he may then have gained the flexibility to throw a punch when he's already imprisoned but he's still just gotta retire & pursue some completely different goals

this in contrast with like, what a coincidence (surely not) that the more flexible characters are the ones who also do introspect & reflect & genuinely think about & question themselves ever, & how even beyond that, being in this world of people who overwhelmingly are thee opposite & aiming for a static sense of self & thus strategy for navigating life & all interactions & situations, the more reflective parties also tend to accept both Blame & the fruitlessness of pushing for more/different/better from the people & relationships & situations they're amongst. those willing to take on responsibility at all surrounded by people casting all of it off, always, w/the former already primed to take blame & the latter primed to be looking to find the blame in anyone else, a powerful mismatch....which allows the flexible parties to also put up with shit for longer lol like if they got fed up that quickly or recognized the dead-end here they'd just leave the show lol. like wow can't believe taylor spent their whole life already stuck having to deal with someone who's so very much like these bullshit central men & those trying to emulate them, & perhaps also then have a lifetime of experience extending endless patience & sympathy with little to no expectations for more from people who put up with such a bullshit man & his effects on everything around him, like, what do you mean taylor's mom hasn't seen them b/c douglas didn't want to see them b/c he wasn't yet motivated enough to have to exercise begrudging shows of basic respect. whilest sure seems like taylor felt more concern & basically stated their responsibility re: trying to make their relationship with their dad work / basically take on the task of making his life work for him according to his sense of himself (genius! who deserves the recognition thusly!) and doesn't seem to take on this role re: their mom, who nevertheless is just presumed to move closer to them along w/douglas. and here's taylor never truly putting their foot down re: wendy, no matter what, able to have no real positive expectations in how wendy treats them or thinks of them, but also always able to extend sympathy / decent treatment themself

thinking of like team ben out here as the Nicer axe cap or mpc people who also happen to be people absorbing the L's, blaming themselves for being at the bottom of the hierarchy & being subjected to the always negative treatment doled out to them accordingly, and, winstonesquely, still generally like extending genuine gestures of amicability, efforts of constructive actual communication, etc, & this being shut down & likely punished by all the people around them who won't handle that kind of thing. that Of Course nobody's actually supported around here, like, at best they'll get some kind of "well you're actually talented & valuable :)...." (so why aren't they already treated in a way such that they're aware of this?) "....so just have more confidence already god!" wherein (a) again that just means it's Their Fault that they're having a miserable time at the hands of others & (b) their having "confidence" doesn't really mean like, an emotional buffer between their sense of self-esteem & the message of inferiority in how they're treated, it has to mean externally acting different in some ways, more like A Winner, more like everyone else. the limits of ben trying to sometimes be a buffer for tuk as that kind of friend/mentor role, where either it simply fails or ben's Help is more unilateral "correction." that generally only any increase in aggressive hostility gets them anywhere, and really not that far.

the way dollar bill could always act however he wanted & they could always clean up his messes / save him from himself / just flatout blame other people for what dollar bill did to them or someone else; success in being a mini axe in that way for sure. dollar bill going off the rails over his literal dollar bill & that's not a problem, he's validated b/c he's upset, & b/c rudy knew he'd be upset it's really all rudy's fault....who just so happens to be more of a loser, what with his glasses & possible masturbation ever and all. whilest even when dollar bill is like every season being shit at his job & life, well, just find a loser to trounce while everyone ignores this, cheers you on, takes on responsibility for fixing things for you, blames the person targeted probably. dollar bill couldn't even do in office transphobic hate crime physical attacks, or that but while yelling the r word at the autistic guy he's already harrassing & threatening, without it being really basically the target's fault, & hey, as long as no investors are watching. and we're still dragging dollar bill back to the office b/c uhhh yeah!!

& then of course there's winston, who, like a loser, says things in real efforts for real communication with others, that they winningly can only bring themselves to respond to as "he's not allowed to talk, that's out of line, i have to punish/deny this to reassert our respective status" except for, sometimes, taylor actually communicating in turn, or even simply receiving the information. winston in a duo with the very winning & worthy rian, being something of a quasirival for 5 seconds but even during then, and since, trying to be amicable to establish an actually positive dynamic, trying for actual communication, engaging flexibly & actively based on her feedback & her terms & etc to try to find some more success; versus rian completely inflexible, unwilling to respond to efforts to communicate, unwilling to have an actual relationship with any flexibility & genuineness in turn, or see winston as a person of course, and engage with real emotions. which is hardly an exclusive response of hers, like, everyone else is just the same, she's just also the one interacting with him more often and personally bullying him & standing next to him & immediately responding with clear contempt when he tries things like earnest expressions of "hey rian could you not do what you just did b/c it makes me feel like shit, probably b/c that's what you're trying to do" and "hey that was cool what you just did b/c it makes me feel like—" b/c like, what a loser. real winners cannot handle engaging with another person as a person. when you can just make up & stick to a narrative about "oh but i don't hate winston, who i feel is inherently beneath me. i wouldn't wanna feel bad about killing him, not when i could feel fine about administering more of a death by a thousand cuts with some other people helping out & hey maybe it was their cut that did it after all....but also if you're like 'pwease' then eh sure" or that winston's got a lesser inner existence anyways, some classic dehumanization, no complexity there, & hurting him isn't real, & it'd never be you in his position anyways! especially the more you're buying into "yeah i'm more of a person / more deserving / more real & sympathetic & correct than him :)" & being cheered on as you act that out. pretty cringe of winston to be earnest, flexible, openly trying & wanting & needing things, sounds bad & silly. unlike the winners around him who really cannot handle him or any of these things about him. of course near equivalent in loserness, tuk, is the person with the realest most amicable relationship with him. both of them too incompetent to realize their mutual failings in this, ha ha, real winners are repulsed & fleeing & can't handle a basic exchange with either of them. and the imbalance re: how little others are willing to give them in interest, consideration, time, words, etc, while they're always trying Too Much re: the disinterested others, totally proves their unworthiness

winston and tuk always having to stay at the bottom of the hierarchy, winston only able to be shitted on even as he extricates himself, ending up surrounded by people who will only act "correctly" according to their superior roles & this mf wags only processing anything as "did that reinforce my being a correct/winning person???" & only responding by trying to reassert to others how much of a winner they are, which requires establishing a loser, and crushing them. winston having recognized / gotten fed up with a bullshit scenario & had realistic expectations of those around them & spent those years being treated like shit yet never crushing an enemy to restore his ego & also spent those years trying to communicate and work with others and share actual info and make actual connections & now independently choosing to make a big shift in his life so that things can be different? is definitely the contemptible loser here while everyone else looks very good faffing around for an episode getting some temporary ego boosts & being very "correct" in every response to winston, even pointing out that rian even noticing something genuine & positive from winston in the absence of it anywhere is first & foremost incorrect, which rian will Also immediately drop in the face of that "well yeah it's more correct to prioritize Anything else. like that he's pathetic & mpc 5ever" like wuh oh rian being doomed from 5x08 "time to embrace acting more correct now" & being truly inflexible from that point on, never had a moment of conflict not resolved by [ignoring that] &/or again just getting someone more correct to declare how it'll be answered. taylor at their most flexible and Taylorest and most juxtaposed with central men & static ossified "winners" when they are also at their best in engaging with winston. taylor Like winston & vice versa in so many substantial & interesting ways, despite their relating to / sympathizing with / devoting much more effort & interest to people more like the central men. that here we are, when taylor might have to give up on Being A Winner, someone who'll walk away with status & resources & a seamless transition into some established business foundation, to really get the wins that matter, against pince, &/or to clock out of a sunk cost factory, &/or to not have strangled every part of themself that can be in conflict with this general situation into eternal dormancy. don't You dare blame latency lol, the taylor who gets to exist outside the conditional "well i guess you're a winner who's very useful to me, like dumping work on you & blaming you if it goes awry. and you can act like a Real winner in the ways that really matter (crushing people)"....is also a taylor who can be rejected & shut down & shut out & have their value denied & be treated shittily despite even knowing they'd be / are good at this shit, superlatively even, & could never feel okay just being regarded as a tool stashed away at someone's disposal. & Has been treated shittly & is liable to accept blame, unilateral responsibility for other's selves & feelings & actions & lives, & marinate in self-loathing. while people who refuse any introspection, questioning, responsibility, awareness, etc, & refuse to handle the least of genuine interactions/relationships with others as real people, are glad to scoff at them & dismiss them & imply or assert their superiority, like, wow have You got a lot to learn, or maybe you can't b/c you're inherently inferior. all just like re: winston!

tl;dr shoutout to the flexible characters who like can & do reflect & change things up actually, just so happening to always be Losing for this in the [only way to win is not to play] arena of fake winners seeing if they can consider themselves superior to everyone else & only even possibly correct always & forever, in the pyramid scheme of social hierarchy & also capitalism

#real winners quit! it's winston #society if rian Wasn't quickly boxed in & given the ''prominence'' of being Used for other characters #and where we could more truly have this like triumvirate of seeing yourself in both the other two parties in tmc lol #almost a similar fate re: lauren showing up Worthily Yet Zanily! then Most offbeatness falls away / dating is in the bg #& she's mostly Around & doing general [just competent things] But she was also flexible enough to do things Wrong actually / be doomed lol #which we Knew b/c of the relationship that billions would only eventually crush as the Cost of xyz.... #rian's offbeatness mostly gone too; ''what am i gonna do next!'' Conveniently/contradictorily; going Bazinga; snark instead of aggression #general [just competent things] that'll last until ppl quit last minute; if they do. she started out secretly pretty inflexible already #& is really locked in by now; very similar to wendy who also never really considered ditching her life of ''i love to feel like i'm toying #w/ppl's lives & enabling some mf with more power'' & really isn't that different from prince; who tf else isn't also totally inflexible #team ben's endurance come from what insulation / teamwork they can find w/each other & just staying out of the way really #& also just the writing like ''of course they can & will stick around for years despite how they're treated. bit of Loser Feelings as #Lesser Feelings after all b/c haha i mean come on they may be nice but do they seem Epic to you?'' #which is just as true / even more so re: winston. until he; in another [the Actual winner's move]; finally leaves #and gets like the most bass boosted [WHAT A FUCKING LOSER] treatment on his way out b/c what else could or would anyone do #winston billions #anyways he & the Loser Nerds like him have so much more maturity & flexibility & allowed capacity for actual growth lol. cringe comp!! #and this may be at all on purpose Of Course. show's aware central ppl are peak shit & intractible. show also does think winston's a loser #&/or is certainly trying to have their cake and eat it too with him and like tuk as well & even to a degree w/e goes on w/spyros etc etc #and Illustrating a lot of the ''deserved'' aspect through static inflexible Assumed Universal Facts abt what seems wrong & unworthy #like fucking yourself literally! objectively Bad. having glasses. knowing the diff b/w a vagina & vulva. not being ''''attractive'''' #[jumpscare of Blaring Tangent dialogue abt that all overlaid on itself into 1 second of 9000 decibels] #taylor is also Flexible re: philip who is Flexible re: them in turn. definitely Something and Promising as has been established lol #visit taylip hq nothingunrealistic.tumblr.com for so much more. and this blog for [thinking abt winston] hq in turn. covering ground