#this “connection” was definitely one of those curveballs the game throws at me that i thought about ignoring or cheating away

[whyeverr]

"Hang on, there was actually some pretty good stuff in there."

"Ooookay, that's my cue to go—"

#this “connection” was definitely one of those curveballs the game throws at me that i thought about ignoring or cheating away #but honestly #it's growing on me #🤣 #rebuild a city #ts4 bacc #3_19 #ts4 #ts4 gameplay #dawson kelley #survivors!

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E127 (March 2, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are, of course, Ashley Johnson and Marisha Ray!

Marisha, on her thought process behind the date: “It was a fascinating study on designing something with another player in trying to navigating how to do that in a way that makes sense and wouldn’t be too metagamey or overly scripted or anything like that. I had a bunch of ideas thought out, then I just typed it out and sent it over to him, and then he interpreted it as such.” Liam had ideas, but Marisha wanted him to keep the details a surprise. The theme of “let’s start over” was the leading motif for the design. Three acts: pre-game cocktails at the Nestled Nook, picnic in a field of Xhorhasian wildflowers, and then close it with after-dinner drinks and hot tub at the Steam’s Respite. And the very last thing was “and all the cats were dogs”. Brian: “What was his response to that?” Marisha: “He texted me and was like, ‘Are you serious or is this dog thing a joke?’”

Ashley is asked what it was like to know it was coming but not know the specifics. “For both of us, I don’t think we thought it was going to be right then. I think because it’s been so long in the relationship between Beau and Yasha and it felt like such a natural progression for the two of them, and they’re both awkward together. I think there was something to just being thrown into it.” She spent time thinking about what things Yasha would talk to Beau about on a date. “We got to maybe one of them. It was just so fun! Exploring romance in D&D can be super weird, especially when you’re streaming. But it felt like that’s where our characters were going. There was that excitement of trying something that is out of my comfort zone, and I think so much of Marisha was part of that, as being the initiator as Beau, where I was like, okay, this is where it’s going it. Let’s do it, let’s see what happens!” She mentions how “fun and freeing” it is to trust your improv partner in something like this.

Marisha: “I just wanted Beau to be a fuckboi!” But she highlights that it’s hard to deny the deeper connections that come up in D&D scenarios. “They’ve been with each other through so much that it’s difficult to deny when those bonds start to happen.” She texted Liam in a panic before the game. “What do I wear? And he said, ‘In the game or in real life?’ Both!”

Marisha was expecting a Sam curveball at some point. “My/Beau’s reaction of ‘I love you!’ was pretty accurate. She does care! She’s not just  a troll trying to ruin our shit.”

Marisha on Yasha liking dogs: “I clocked that shit when you bought a dog figurine.” She keeps notes about all the members of the party when they reveal things like that.

Ashley has started taking more detailed notes, partly to play catch-up for events she may have missed earlier. “Turns out, notes are very helpful and can help you in your RPing!”

Favorite parts? Marisha: “The fade-to-black moment at the very end, and I think it’s because Ashley’s eyes--maybe this is going to get weird--we had this moment where we were in the hot tub at the end, and I looked over and was like, ‘hey’, and you looked over and were like, ‘hey’, and I was just dead. I will never forget the look on Ashley’s face. There was just a pure moment.” Ashley: “That’s so funny, because I was going to talk about this one moment with Marisha. It’s just clicking into the scene and clicking into the moment.” Marisha talks about how the moments associated with the game have real, tangible emotional connections. Brian highlights that the emotional side of things is what you remember the most after the campaign is done.

Character thoughts on Kima? Marisha: “I was like, step on me! Please! Both of you! We’d be friends.” Ashley: “It’s also that nostalgia that feels so good at the table. These characters we know and love are still living and breathing and happy together and just kicking ass. For Yasha it was an amazing example of a relationship that works in this world, and something beautiful that these people who are different but are connecting. It was a lot of-- it was cool. I think Yasha’s a very big fan of Kima and Allura. When she gave over the sword, Travis texted me and was like, it’s the Holy Avenger. Looking it up and talking about it, it was like, holy mackerel, this sword is insane. But there’s going to have to be some conversations had to attune with the sword. But I like that Matt presented that challenge, that this isn’t necessarily in your class, but let’s do some RP and see what happens.”

Where’s Yasha at with the Stormlord right now? “I’m curious to explore that more, but knowing that the Stormlord was the first person to bring her back to her own will, of pulling her out of whatever was happening with Oban and the Laughing Hand for however long. It’s also weird to see the relationship that the clerics have, and I think Yasha’s still figuring out how to be her own person, but also... not serving somebody, but still trying to figure out that relationship with her god. But again, he saved her from a very, very dark place, and I think that’s something she values and holds on to.”

Cosplay of the Week: An amazing Essek! (Blushingvioletcosplay on Instagram)

How is Beau handling the Eyes? “All the theories! It’s hard for it to not feel like a ticking time bomb. I always have to try and separate my theories from Beau’s theories. That’s acting and shit. I, Marisha, am very interested if I can somehow utilize this to our advantage. Beau, also interested but simultaneously terrified that it might be a bad idea and I might just get further initiated. When it comes to Matt, you know there’s always something more lurking underneath all of this. As players it’s kind of our job to navigate that.”

How about Yasha? “I think it’s one of the things that didn’t really come up in the date, which is funny, because it’s something I was thinking about. Me as a player, that’s something I’m extremely stressed about. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We kind of got into it, but I think the fact that Lucien was listening, and the Eyes, I think it made me as a player as Yasha very nervous about interacting with Beau, because I don’t know what they’re picking up on. There’s so much we don’t know, and Lucien is so confusing, and the Eyes, and with Matt... we don’t know! It’s a point of extreme concern for Yasha, especially someone that she has feelings for and cares about, it’s an extra level of I don’t know what this means and I can’t lose this person, but I need to protect at all costs.”

What was it like for Beau to discover that Dairon and the Soul not only listened but took action? “That moment was so deeply powerful. Honestly, I was just as taken aback as Beau was. I never in both mine or Beau’s thought process did I think Matt would take action in that way, or that would ever be handled. And I think that’s what makes it so emotional. You condition yourself to think these things just happen, so much so that they permeate your D&D game. So rarely do abusers get held accountable for their actions. What was powerful about it was that he was, and other people cared. That alone was so emotionally impactful, and I was completely thrown by it. I feel like I had to walk away from that situation kind of unpacking those things. What does that say, what does that mean? Same thing for Beau, where the cycle of abuse has happened repeatedly to her with no repercussions to anyone who’s causing it. It’s why she’s always had a weird tenuous relationship with the Soul. It throws you into these layers of reconciliation and thought. I didn’t think this was going to be addressed. What does that say about society? So many different layers to peel back. It all speaks to so many real-life experiences that happen every damn day to so many people. There’s not many examples in media of abusers getting handled, and especially not in a way that’s not some sort of device to motivate somebody.” She highlights how rare it is that the abuser was handled without pulling the victim into the mess. I’m definitely not doing what she’s saying justice with my speed-typing.

How is Yasha feeling about solidifying her identity as a protector? “Putting together this character and starting to play as her, there was a part of me that wanted-- when I work on characters, you go through the list of questions you have as an actor, what’s your motivation and all that stuff. But I very much wanted to see if I could have a character that doesn’t necessarily know what their purpose is, because I feel like a lot of people feel that way. I think when we see movies or TV shows, there’s always a character who says, I know what my purpose is. I wanted to explore what it meant to not know what that is. I left that open with Yasha, and I didn’t want to set that for her, because I thought that was an interesting thing. I still like that idea, but in the conversation with Beau and knowing the date was coming up, there were a lot of internal conversations I was having of how is Yasha feeling in this moment. At the end of the day, I feel that’s a very solid purpose for Yasha in this moment, of all I can really provide is protection - and of course she can provide more than that. But now I’m just, yeah, I think protection for her is the best way she knows how to describe her purpose.” Brian: “And once we arrive there, the goal is to find a greater purpose, to be of service.” Ashley has tied in Yasha’s protectiveness with her grappling with loss.

Fan art of the week: A second amazing Essek! (by Saturday_sky)

Thoughts on the amulets: set-up or bad luck? Ashley: “I thought they were a set-up!” Marisha: “I think [Astrid’s] an opportunist. But I think it’d be much more convenient if anyone other than her killed Trent. To what end, I don’t know.” Ashley: “Me, personally, how I interpreted her crying in that alleyway, I felt like she was crying because of a betrayal. But I don’t know! I think she definitely cares for Caleb.” Marisha: “I also got betrayal tears. That felt like guilt-crying to me.” Brian: “I don’t like any of this.”

What prompted Beau going full assassin? “If they were to get in and out and I could have jumped over that tower without killing that guy, I would have.” She didn’t have a lot of options as a monk and not a rogue assassin, but needed a quick and quiet way to get him out of the way. “I went through so many ideas in my head. I thought of an idea to dump all of the ball bearings under him, then light fireworks” to try to get him to fall off the edge.

Is Yasha’s hope for Molly still alive? “Yes. I think that because Yasha has been on the other end of doing terrible things under someone else’s influence, she has a lot of forgiveness for people. At this point, of course, it’s hope that he’ll come back or have some type of recognition of his life as Molly. There’s a lot of questions. I don’t think she’ll ever give up on him.” The only moment of hesitation was when Lucien was cool with Gelidon leaving with Beau.

How are they feeling about their odds? Ashley: “I feel really great about the ideas that the group has to get out of tricky situations. This one I’m nervous about.” Marisha: “I agree. We have our little side player thread, minus Matt, and I don’t see how we’re getting out of this without some sort of compromise that’s not necessarily in our favor. I think we’re going to get out of it, but I don’t think we’re going to get out of it completely.”

Ashley didn’t tell Brian about the date after the episode ended, but wound up blurting it out right before he was about to watch the episode for Talks.

#long text post #critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers

[rubyredsundae]

Mass Effect Trilogy Tag!

I was not tagged by anyone, I just really wanted to join in. If you see this and want to as well, please do! I've been loving reading through everyone's :)

I am a fan since… 2011ish? Definitely at least a year before ME3 came out. I remember watching my brother play ME2 and thinking it was so cool. While he was away it was a huge comfort for me to play it in his room, kind of like a bonding or cathartic experience for someone who wasn't there at the time.

When ME3 came out, me and him went to the midnight release at a gamestop like 40 minutes away or something, wearing clothes we threw together to kind of fit the N7 color scheme. Even though we don't talk anymore, those memories are still really precious to me. Also, the nostalgia of playing ME1 after-school or on the weekend, running to get my easy mac from the microwave during a cutscene, stuffing too hot mouthfuls while speeding the Mako towards the conduit on Ilos.

Favorite game of the series: It's a tough call between ME1 and ME2, but I'd say ME2. It's the game I get the urge to replay the most.

MaleShep or FemShep? Femshep all the way. I only play MShep when I want to do his exclusive romances. No offense to BroShep, but ME was the first game I ever played that let me not just be a girl, but customizable. Not just to be the already generated token girl character in a pack of boys. And not only can you play Femshep, but every game you are surrounded by smart, funny, tough women as squadmates. It was such a huge deal to me, and still is. Femshep represents so much. As Jennifer Hale put it, FemShep was a military grade boot to the video game industry glass ceiling.

Earthborn, Colonist or Spacer? I personally tend to lean spacer in-game, but I tend to use Earthborn when I'm writing fics.

Paragon or Renegade? Usually Paragon, but Renegade playthroughs can be really interesting, especially if I have a detailed background about why Shep is the way they are. My first Renegade, Krystle, is pretty bigoted and anti-alien until she meets Liara. Krystle is naturally guarded and quick to anger, so meeting someone who seemed to accept her and listen to her without judgment really opens her mind.

By the 2nd game, she wakes up in the cerberus lab with new biotic powers, having previously been a regular foot soldier. This makes her seeth, having someone completely take her agency, agreeing with the illusive man on the surface but plotting against him the entire time. She starts to lean more Paragon, if only to piss him off. She has the biggest smirk on her face when she blows up the collector base.

Biotics or Tech? Oooh, this is hard. Maybe biotics just the tiniest smidge because of Jack/Samara biotic bubble throw during the suicide mission. I don't know if we'll ever get a screen adaptation but THAT is a moment I would pay to see done with a big SFX budget behind it.

Favorite class: Sentinel! I don't know how much this reflects on my class preference in gaming in general, but I love the 'jack of all trades'ness of it. By the time I get an assault rifle, I don't really feel the need for anyone else to make up for something I lack. Also, tech armor in ME2? Where your shields regenerate automatically when it breaks, and the cool down is when you initially active it, instead of when you detonate it? Chef's kiss. I understand why it was nerfed in 3 but I'm still mad.

Favorite companion: Ho boy. This is obviously very difficult to choose but I'm gonna say Miranda. I've always loved and identified with her character, I love the accent, and she's always useful on missions. I was so happy when I learned she could be a squadmate in the armax arena.

Honorable mention to Ashley in ME1. Her character is rarely used to exposition lore, so she just gets to have her personality fleshed out. I don't always agree with her but she does seem genuinely willing to listen. ME3 tosses her out the airlock though; partially because her content was bugged and never restored, leaving her inclusion feel half-baked, and partly because Ash and Kaidan have to be able to serve the same plot function as each other and it negatively affects her character more than his. This could also be intentional on bioware's part, to try to flesh out kaidan's personality and tone down Ashley's as a response to criticisms of them from ME1.

Least favorite companion: Also difficult, because I don't really hate anyone as much as I am just less interested in some. I didn't like Zaeed for a long time, but I think he's much better and really funny in ME3. James was pushed on me too much at the beginning and it made me really dislike him, but I think he's greatly improved and also pretty funny in Citadel DLC. I'm also pretty indifferent to Jacob; I don't think he's a bad character, just disappointing because there was a lot of potential.

Not that every character has to go on and do some grand quest to be interesting, but I don't feel like Jacob every really got a big hero moment like everyone else. He is a very calm and introverted person (imo) who doesn't really share his feelings, so it's always been hard for to to connect with him on anything.

My squad selection: Depends on the game, but it usually involves Garrus lol. Typically it's Liara/Garrus in ME1, Miranda/Garrus for ME2, and Liara/Garrus again in ME3. I am very boring and predictable! If you have any suggestions for me to try out and mix things up, let me know!

Favorite in-game romance: Also depends on the game. ME1 it's Liara, hands down. It was the first game, really the first piece of media, where I was told two women could fall in love and be happy and that was okay. The amount of enlightenment and comfort in figuring out that I was bi these games brought me is kind of wild to look back on.

ME2 is a toss-up between Garrus and Thane. They are both wonderful but in completely different ways. I tend to now romance Thane on characters I don't plan on importing to ME3, or if I do, to just have a really depressed fucking Shepard lol. I hate how much Thane was brushed off, especially if you romanced him.

Other pairings I like: l love Miranda so much, but I'm a gay girl so I ship her and Femshep. Same goes for Tali, Jack, Ashley... damn I'm just really gay for straight girls huh :/

I don't really have any other ships for non-Shep related pairings.

Favorite NPC: Shiala is really cool to me, I wish we got to see her in 3. Emily Wong is also cool, also wish we saw her in 3. There's probably a lot more that when I come across them next I'll be like, "you! I love you! You're my favorite."

Oh also Joker! And EDI! But not together. Idk I feel like ME3 threw a curveball at me with "do you support organic/non-organic relationships?" Like m'am please don't ask me, I accidentally drank turian liquor last year, I'm not qualified to be an expert on this.

Favorite antagonist: Tbh I really dig Saren. I think his reasoning is super fascinating, both to set up how someone who's indoctrinated can rationalize to themselves that they are still in control; and as a foil to Shepard, to show what can happen when you become too isolated and the ends justify the means. I think his VA does a great job of walking the line between desperate survivor and madman. He's also the only antagonist in the trilogy that we ever fight 1 on 1 (ignoring squadmates) and it feels more personal. I think he's such a fantastic foe for the first entry in a trilogy and I don't think he gets enough credit.

Favorite mission: Is it cliche to say the suicide mission? It's honestly close to perfect. The stakes, the sequencing, the cinematics, the score. Everything works so well.

Favorite loyalty mission: Kasumi's and Tali's are really cool, as we all know. Samara's is also cool because it is entirely non-combat based. Shepard has to prove they can accomplish what seems impossible without a gun or biotics.

The confrontation at the end with Morinth always haunts me a little, because they are both right in their own way. Morinth's final line, "and they say I'm the monster", as you let Samara kill her, watch her scrambling backwards in fear... I know that she's a remorseless killer, but it gets me every time.

Favorite DLC: It's Citadel, obviously. Turns out what I really wanted was quality time and a party with all my friends. I love mass effect for many reasons, but simulating friends and affection when I had none has always made me bond to this series like other games don't. Is it sad? Sure! But I don't think love and affection for fictional characters should ever be shameful until it makes you hurt other people.

Control, Synthesis or Destroy? I'd say destroy. If the other options were presented earlier and we had time to stew with it, maybe I'd be more split. But all of this in 5 minutes? It's not like the collector base where the implications are obvious and the choice is just down to what Shepard believes. The 3 choices all seem like space magic out of nowhere, and none of them seem to really offer any insight on what Shepard should believe. So I say destroy, just because it's what Shep has intended and is most consistent with their character and their admiration of Anderson.

Favorite weapon: The spectre level assault rifle in ME1. Never have I felt more powerful.

Favorite place: Idk why but I just thought of the creepy lab with all the scientists during the leviathan DLC. I really love when Mass Effect leans into the Lovecraftian horror aspect of things. Talking to Sovereign and Vigil in ME1 gave me goosebumps my first few playthroughs.

A quote I like: I have hundreds, but the one off the top of my head is, "After time adrift among open stars, along tides of light and through shoals of dust, I will return to where I began." I have a poster of it up on my wall right now!

#mass effect #mass effect trilogy #mass effect trilogy tag

[aleapoffaithfiction]

IX.

"If one must fall into love, to give up and dive headfirst, knowing that  everything can change in a heartbeat - there must be an upside." ― Rebekah Crane

“The scar isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s pretty thin and with a good skin serum, it may be able to heal up even more.”

Though she isn’t here in the physical, my mother immediately called me on FaceTime to be at my doctor’s appointment over the phone. She’s yet to miss any of them no matter where she is and today is no different. She even instructed me to flip the camera so she could watch intently as every staple was removed from my ankle area. We’re officially transitioning into the physical therapy aspect of things. It’ll be a slow but steady progress with that, but this is the part I’ve been waiting for since I left the operating table.

The post-surgery pain distracted my mind from the mental ridicule about the nothingness in activity I’ve experienced in the following weeks but I’ve dealt with more insecurity than I’ve dealt with in quite some time since then. Even in staring at this scar, I’m slightly being tormented with it. Injuries are a part of life, especially when you earn your income doing something that has a higher percentage of leaving you injury prone, but you damn near feel like you’re invincible until life throws that curveball your way. It’s been difficult to watch my team continue to work towards what may end up being their worst season ever while I’m sitting around my house watching. All of the well wishes and even a surprising call of encouragement from coach and John Mara were much appreciated, but more than anything else, I’d rather be there.

“Yeah, the doctor said it’s looking good.”

“I already e-mailed you three of the newer people we’re going to bring in for the rehabilitation process. I sent out proper scheduling for the chiropractor and the biomechanics trainer too, so all should be well within that area. Once you’re just about to full capacity in terms of strength, you can implement the yoga and pilaties back into your usual workout routine.”

“I can’t wait.”

“I know. You’ve been patient son. You’ve been more discipline with this than I thought you would be. I figured that I would have to do a lot more yelling but you’ve spared me and I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, momma.”

“So, what are you getting into today?” The house is empty, but mostly in preparation for the crowd that will begin coming in tomorrow with the exception of Ben. He’ll be in town sometime this afternoon.

I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year, not only because I’m actually home for the holiday, but also because the team has a home game instead of an away game the very next day. So, I figured why not do something that everyone can enjoy so that’ll I’ll have time to catch up with not only my family but plenty of the teammates who I consider to be genuine friends of mine. Chef Renee intends to handle all of the main course and momma promised to make the desserts.

“I have to stop by the GQ party, but you already knew that. After that, I’m just chilling.” I’m hoping the chilling factor will include the woman who has taken a permanent residency in my thoughts. I haven’t been with her in a couple of days and to say that I miss her would be an understatement. I usually have no issue with having contact with people via the phone, because it’s the typical way of communication for just about everyone within our age group, but with her, it’s just…different. I want the face to face communication. I prefer to bask in the infectiousness of everything about her while we’re sitting in the same room together. While it’s nice over the phone, it’s comforting and crazily feels like this perfect sense of normalcy in person.  

Waking up in her bed the morning of my birthday felt like all was right within the world. Our limbs were loosely tangled with one another, while her relaxed exhales warmed the side of my neck. She’s a bit more of a wild sleeper than I am, but most of her shifting seemed to only be attempts to find the perfect position to remain in throughout the night. Because her body is so used to the early mornings she has throughout the week, she briefly woke up around five thirty and left the bed to go to the bathroom. I know this because though she attempted to be careful, she woke me up by lifting the bottom end of the covers to make sure my ankle was properly resting on the three pillows she propped it on top of for elevation purposes. My playful “ouch” startled the hell out of her and she whacked me with the blanket before returning it back to its proper positioning.

What may have been the best part about it is us not going back to sleep right away. Instead, we laid in bed with cups of chamomile and lavender tea while further deep diving into the past and present aspects of our lives to aid in creating extensive knowledges about one another. With mixtures of morning and tea breath, bare faces, hints of crust in our eyes, and hazy eyes from yet another wave of drowsiness washing over us, we shared an intimacy that I’ve never shared with anyone else. It was just us, in such a vulnerable and raw form, accepting one another without the masks and occasional flamboyancy we put on display for the consumption of those who couldn’t care less about our emotional states. For just a while, our eyes spoke what our mouths did not as our penetrating glares met one another until we drifted off to sleep yet again. There was something about that, that seemingly generated this oneness between us that was uncanny and yet made sense.

“Just chilling huh?” Her eyebrow flew up in the way that all women’s do when they’re either curious, about to ask a million questions, or intend to catch you in a lie. If anyone can catch me in a lie before it can even come out of my mouth, it’s my momma. She claims it’s my facial expressions and the way I can’t help but to widen my eyes with an uncontrollable smirk. My bluffs are too obvious.

“Yeah, what else would I be doing?”

“You’re rarely alone, especially when you’re supposedly just chilling. You run that house like it’s a frat house more often than you’re in it alone and yet it seems like you’re starting to enjoy when no one is around. I’m not stupid though. Someone is around. How’s Sarai doing?” I nearly choked as a bit of my own saliva trickled down the wrong portion of my throat in a sudden response to her question. This is what I mean when I say that she calls my bluff. Right now, she’s just doing it to fuck with me because she’s getting some kind of amusement out of it but for the most part, she’ll leave me be for as long as whatever’s happening isn’t something negative or a potential public relations nightmare. The media hounds me for even a hint of what they consider to be “out of line” so I can only imagine what were to happen if I were out here literally living the life of a carefree, entitled, wild guy.

“Sarai’s good momma.”

“That’s all? Just good?”

“Yeah, she’s good.”

“So, what’s up with you two?”

“You all packed up for your flight tomorrow? I can’t wait until you make that red velvet cake. I’m definitely cutting that as soon as it’s done. I’m just warning you now so that I won’t get in trouble later.”

“You’re not cutting anything until we’ve all had dinner, and don’t switch the subject on me.” The loud groan that filled the examination room was automatic.

“Ma.”

“What? I’m not asking you any extremely private questions because Lord knows, I don’t want to know anything that deep. It’s a general question.”

“It’s not.”

“Yes, it is, especially for your mother.”

“We’re figuring things out.” And that’s truly what it is. It’s what I suggested we do while we spoke with one another in my driveway and it’s what we’ve been trying to establish and work through since then. I’m not in a mental limbo where I’m trying to figure out exactly what I want out of my connection with her. This isn’t some random fling I’ve started up for the sake of temporary entertainment that I’ll be either be bored of or have no time for within a few weeks or maybe even months. I’ve had just a small number of encounters with commitment but I’ve had my fair share of “situationships” that went on to crash and burn before they were able to turn into something more. I can admit that I am to blame for a lot of that because I haven’t been actively seeking anything long term. In the back of my mind, I always assumed that I’d know when a woman in my life is meant to be something more than someone who I associate myself with occasionally.

I’ve always made my moves based upon physical attraction much like most of the men within my field do. There’s a ton of shallowness involved in the process and I’d be livid if someone dared to approach my daughter with that mindset if or when I have one. It wasn’t until Sarai that I hesitated and even scolded myself just for having the thought to approach her. I laughed at myself for the audacity and summed it up to it just needing to be admiration from afar. After she spoke up for me, I told myself that I needed to thank her and I made it my mission to do so but deep down, I knew better than the lies I was feeding to myself. I’d reached a point of wanting her more than I wanted anything else. I’m still at that point, but it’s intensified to a need. I just wonder if karma has shown up to give me a taste of what I’ve done to women who didn’t deserve it. Why do I want the woman who views me as forbidden fruit?

“I like her, I like her a lot if that counts for something.”

“I like her a lot too.” Sometimes that feels like an understatement.

“I know you do, son. It’s been quite clear for a while now. Did you invite her over for Thanksgiving dinner? If she’s not spending time with her own family, it’d be nice to have her.”

“Yeah, I told her about it. She’s heading to Brooklyn to spend the day with her mother and sister, but she told me if she doesn’t leave from over there too late, she’ll stop by.”

“Sounds good.”

“Yeah, it should be cool.”

“I’m going to go because I have a bit of running around to do. Please be careful at that party and make sure your walking boot is secure. Enjoy it though. I’m proud of you.” GQ honored me by putting me on one of Men of the Year covers. They titled me as “Hustler of the Year” alongside Kevin Durant who is “Champion of the Year”, Gal Gadot who is “Wonder Woman of the Year”, Colin Kaepernick who is “Citizen of the Year”, and finally Stephen Colbert who is “Bad Hombe of the Year”. I certainly wasn’t expecting it, given the circumstances of what happened and the predicament that I’m in now, but I’m appreciative of the recognition.

“Appreciate it momma. I’ll be alright. I’m not staying that long anyway.”

“Okay. So, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Alright, later.”

As soon as she ended the call, I stuck my phone down into my pocket and carefully hopped down from the examination table. For as long as I have on the walking boot, I don’t have to have as much dependency on the crutches anymore, so, I dragged them along to the receptionist desk and picked up the card for my next appointment.

For the first time in quite a while, I actually drove myself into the city and that personal freedom gave me the urge to leisurely stop at a couple of stores.

“Anything in particular you’re looking?” I wandered off to the women’s floor of Bergdorf Goodman minutes ago and slowly strolled around looking for nothing in particular. Annie, is who she introduced herself as when I asked for help downstairs, and she’s either been alongside me or trailing behind me since then. Though she’s yet to acknowledge it, she’s aware of who I am. It’s more than likely why she’s so eagerly walking my black ass around this store and pointing out things with price tags that have four to five digits on them.

“This bag here.” Sarai was wearing one of its kind in black the night she came to my house. My nosiness got the best of me while she was in the shower after we were settled at her place. While glancing around her walk-in closet, I saw yet another bag of the same make but up in a navy shade. It’s safe to say, they’re among her favorites.

“Ah yes, that’s the Chanel Boy Bag. It’s a popular model. Is there a particular color that you’re looking for?”

“No.” I don’t know what I’m looking for.

“Well it is fall, so maybe a nice brown, green, maroon, or black will due. This one over here is one of the newer ones. It’s pure python skin and one hundred percent leather. It’s the perfect blend of blues that can work with just about everything. Because of the python skin, it’s one of the more expensive versions of the bag. It runs about six thousand, one hundred dollars.” High end bags are usually something I spoil my mother with during holidays or at those random moments when I want to show her how much I love her with something materialistic. I don’t always know whether she likes them or not because she showers me with hugs and kisses in excitement and appreciation no matter what. I’m no expert at this. I do know it’ll look good on her, but everything would look good on her so that’s not saying much. Hopefully, she’ll like it.

“I’ll take it.” Though my shrug was nonchalant, a wave of nervousness washed over me as I anticipated what her response would be. I’ve grown to know how independent she is and most of all, how proud she is of her profession. It’s admirable and I hold her in the highest regard because of it, but I’m hopeful about her being able to accept nice things from people who care about her. Everyone deserves that from time to time.

I couldn’t and didn’t leave without making sure to grab something for my momma and Jazzy. With my pops and I both wearing the same shoe size, he can raid my closet for whatever he prefers.

On the way back to Jersey, I couldn’t make it all the way home without a stop at Five Guys and lastly the gas station. I’d been living life on the edge with a nearly empty tank since I left this morning. I was running too late to stop to do anything.

“You doing another crutch of shame from Sarai’s crib?”

Khan, Blackjack, and Aris immediately greeted me in the foyer as I closed the door behind myself. I didn’t bother awaiting Mowgli because he had no intention on approaching me unless I called for him. The sound of Ben’s voice didn’t surprise me because I’d given him a key a while back just in case his flight arrival times ran into time frames when I’d be out of the house. Per his usual, the jokes are starting already. He’s been talking about the supposed “crutch of shame” ever since I came home early that afternoon on my birthday. No matter how much I emphasize that nothing of that sort happened, he’s still running with the shit.

“I’m coming from a doctor’s appointment bitch boy.”

“Is that what you’re calling it these days? She’s your doctor?”

“What are you talking about? I’m really coming from the doctor.” I couldn’t help but to chuckle at how much of a dumbass he was purposefully being.

“So, what did the doctor say?” As he appeared in the hall, he held a half of a sandwich in one hand and his iPhone in the other. I know he didn’t make that shit himself because it’s too neatly put together, which means Renee is either here or has been here at some point since this morning.

“It’s looking good to start physical therapy.”

“Good. I know your ass is happy. Now you can finally stop moping and bitching about sitting around and doing nothing.”  

“Call of Duty, movies, and eating wasn’t cutting it anymore. That shit got old real fast.” I found myself sitting in the theater pulling all-nighters playing that game because I didn’t have shit else to do. I’d skim through Netflix and Amazon Prime trying to find something that’ll grab my interest enough to watch it. I ordered movies that I either watched only for a couple of minutes or never turned on at all. I bought books that I’ve yet to read. The trip to New Orleans is what stopped me from going insane in here. I’ve always had a hard time sitting still and though I’m learning to appreciate down time a lot more given the life I live now; I still need to feel active.

“When you starting?”

“Within the next two weeks.” While I brushed my hands over Khan’s head, I reached and did the same to Blackjack. I haven’t been as attentive to them as I usually am since the injury. I can’t risk the weight or the strain of any style of play just yet but I’m going to incorporate them into this physical therapy process in some type of manner. If I can’t be out there on the field juking anybody, then Khan and Aris will be my practice.

“We still hitting up that GQ party tonight?”

“Yeah. I’m not trying to be there too long though. I kinda just want to chill tonight.” And I am, when he falls asleep. I swear he’s narcoleptic because he can fall asleep anywhere and at any time. By the time we get back here, he’ll nod off somewhere in the house and I’m out.

“I feel you dog. I’m not really in a partying mood either.”

“You? You’re not in a partying mood?” As I moved towards the kitchen, the dogs were in tow. The candy fiend within me kicked in as soon as I got close the house.

“You say that like I party all the time.”

“Nigga, you live at the club.”

“With you. I be partying with yo’ ass.”

“I haven’t been at the club since my ankle broke and you still out there partying. Don’t blame me.”

“Aye, I’m a bachelor. I’m just trying to live my best life.”

The pack of Twizzler Sours were my choice and I opened up a bottle of Gatorade to wash them down with. My next move was to sit up on the counter and text Sarai the picture of my ankle and the scar I took at the doctor’s office. She asked me to keep her updated this morning and I’m keeping my promise.

The toughest warriors always have battles scars that tell their stories. You got this babe.

Babe? I’ve graduated from Beckham to babe? I’ll fucking take it.

Doc says it’s looking good. I got the greenlight for physical therapy.

“I wish you were in my shoes for just a second so you can see that dumbass smirk on your face. I’m going to have to dap her up the next time I see her because she has you tripping. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you have it this bad.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I’m not gon’ front. We all know she’s bad. You’re getting to know her beyond anything outsiders will ever know though, and based upon the way your barely walking ass is floating around here, she has to be something special.”

“She is.”

I’m glad to hear that. I can’t see you within this moment but I know you’re smiling because you’ve been waiting for that. Just take it step by step. By the summer time, you’ll be tearing up Quest Diagnostic Training Center at OTAs and mini camps.

I’m damn sure looking forward to that. Now that the injury talk has died down, the media has transitioned to speaking about contract extensions and my commentary about not only wanting to be the highest paid wide receiver in the league, but eventually the highest paid player overall. I meant and stand by what I said. I’m confident in my talent speaking for what I deserve no matter what the opinions of any pessimist are. I’m not necessarily pressed or stressing myself about whatever is going to happen with that particular situation. I’ll let my agent handle it and we’ll discuss matters when it’s necessary. Right now, I have an overall comeback to continue preparing for.

I’m looking forward to it baby. What are you doing tonight?

“And you’re short about her too. Yeah, you really are about to become one of those niggas.”

“One of what niggas?” I’m not short about her. I share a lot of myself with the ones who I cherish and with the world. I’m a human being. Sometimes I need certain things that are just for me and right now Sarai is exactly that. It’s not that I don’t want to boast and brag about her, because there are times when I’m damn near ready to combust and blurt out everything about her that makes me tick in a good way. I’ll get there. I know I’ll get there, because I have a tendency to become like a ray of light who wants to shine my happiness on everyone whenever I’m in that mental space. Sarai isn’t someone or something you hide, but for now she’s someone I’m cherishing like a rare pearl found in the deepest crevice of one of the oceans.

I have an event tonight. It’s one of those things when you wish that the people you made plans with forgot that plans were made.

Well, I guess I’ll be chilling for sure, but with Ben.

I have an event too. It’s kind of obligatory. I’m not that interested in going, though.

“One of those niggas who ups and disappears when they have a girl. You know how that shit be. One minute, you and your niggas are chilling heavy and out of nowhere one of them just disappears because some chick dun’ put a spell on him and now he’s lost in the sauce. You already pulled the disappearing act. One minute we were all sitting at the table playing a round of spades and about to take Patron shots to bring in yo’ birthday and the next minute yo’ ass is gone without a trace.” I had to laugh because technically, that is how it happened. I probably should have said something, especially when all of those text messages came in when I turned my phone on in the morning. Shit, the fact that I turned off my phone alone caused me to not be able to hear the end of it for a couple of hours. Unlike everyone else, Ben’s the only one who knew where I disappeared to.

“My girl? I thought you said that I can’t get her.”

“Occasionally, people pull off the impossible. I don’t know what you’re pulling off though. We gon’ see.”

I guess we’re both being forced out of the house. Are you sure you’re okay with attending an event? Will you be able to sit down?

Her concern with my ankle has yet to falter. Not only does she ask about how I’m feeling daily, but she also sends over tips and damn near scolds me like my mother whenever she assumes that I’m being stubborn and not doing the right thing for it. When we’re together, it’s propped up on pillows while she warns me to never get up as she fetches whatever it is that I or we need. I warned her that coddling it isn’t going to make me stronger and her snappy response was that applying early pressure and forcing a speedy recovery will only set me back to day one. The look in her eyes was all I needed as a warning to shut my mouth.

I should be able to sit. I’ll be fine, nurse.

“You keeping it casual or you getting suited up tonight?”

“Suited up. Jason dropped off this maroon joint that I’m feeling. I’ll probably keep it seasonal and throw on a turtleneck under it. Maybe do an Amiri boot with it or a pair of Tom Fords.”

“Oh, you getting dressed, dressed.”

“It’s a GQ party.”

“And? They’ll be lucky if I don’t wear what I have on right now. Fuck all of that.”

“Get your jet lagged and dirty ass out of here.”

Maybe you’ll call me later on, whenever you’re free? We don’t tape a new episode until Friday due to the holiday, so timing isn’t really a factor. I should be up to answer.

“Ain’t a motherfucking thing dirty on me. I washed my ass this morning.”

“I can smell your breath from here.”

Once I carefully slid off of the counter, I discarded the empty Gatorade bottle and began to make my way out of the kitchen. Though what I’m wearing sounds finalized, I need to go over it and whatever other options I have one more time just to be sure.

Absolutely. I’ll call you later on.

And since she’s off, I’ll find a way to see her tomorrow.

I’ve never understood why they call these types of events parties. Even with the music blaring to the point of filling me from head to toe, there is absolutely nothing engaging about it. Though I’m not in any predicament to hit a dance floor, I couldn’t if I wanted to because there isn’t one. There are no crowds of people huddled around one another, battling it out to the latest dance crazes that have hit the internet. There are none of those infamous plastic red cups that either contain soda because you’re trying to keep it light for the night or some type of alcoholic concoction that your friend put together that’ll eventually have you on your ass before the night is over or when you wake up the next morning. No one’s carelessly sweating all into their favorite party attire from their closets. None of the women are using their fingers to slick pieces of their hair out of the way, because they no longer care about looking good for the sake of attracting the attention of guys, they’ve taken a liking to around the neighborhood or campus.

It’s situations like this that make me miss LSU; the days when everything was authentic and damn near carefree. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I’m constantly being reminded that what I love to do and am currently doing for a living is a business. More than a reason for anything else, it’s why I do my best in being authentically myself no matter who is peeved or offended by it. Since my second year with the team, I’ve always emphasized self-preservation before anything else to the rookies because the business side of this shit will suck the life out of you and leave you high and dry with no remorse whatsoever. I can admit that my wide receiver status comes with a lot more celebrity than the large majority of the men I go to battle with on Sunday nights. Much like I’ve used it to my advantage in furthering my brand, so has the NFL, so it is what it is. At this point, I’m consciously working towards drawing back because all of this is a part of my life, but I’m tired of it feeling like it’s my whole life.

“Wonder Woman bout fine as hell.” It’s like the tenth time Ben has said that shit. He was even able to finesse a couple of photos with her as I stepped off to the side to have a conversation with KD.

“You see dude with the salt and pepper hair right there?” I peeped him lingering behind her since we arrived. He was far enough to allow her to shine and yet close enough to make his presence known.

“Yeah, what about him?”

“That’s her husband. You ain’t bagging that.”

“You think I give a fuck about her husband? I’ll still give her the business if she let me. Oprah too, I don’t give a fuck about Stedman. Jada Pinkett. Angela Bassett. Auntie got an ass on her. I think the only married women I’m not touching are Michelle Obama or Beyoncé and it ain’t even out of respect for the marriage. It’s because their husbands got shooters.”

I couldn’t hear my own laughter over the music but it was loud enough to make him instantly join in. Only his stupid ass.

“Odell?” My eyes shifted to the right of me as whoever called my name took a seat on the couch. Jasmine. I haven’t seen her in a while. Honestly, I haven’t seen anyone in a while, but her? It’s been way more than just a couple of months. Our last encounter was somewhere in L.A. during the off season. It might have been at some random house party thrown by someone in Drake’s crew. It was either there or at Playhouse over on Hollywood Boulevard. We didn’t have much of anything between one another other than an agreement to fuck around behind closed doors if we were in the same city and time permitted it. What was once a mutual decision shifted into expectations that I couldn’t meet so we fell back from one another, or maybe it was just me who did the falling back. Given that she does print modeling, I’m not surprised to see her here tonight. She’s been working hard at trying to raise herself up in the ranks in the high fashion world, but I think it’s her height that’s working against her more than anything else. She’s give or take maybe five three or five four with heels on.

“What’s up Jas?” The hair that once cascaded down her back is now cut to just above her shoulders and there seems to be some sort of a rose vine style of a tattoo now decorating that area. She’d watched me get a tattoo once and it sparked what now seems to be a new found love and hobby for her.

“Nothing much. Just grinding. How are you?” She didn’t have to directly say it. Once her eyes met the boot donning my foot, I knew the context of the question.

“Getting better day by day.”

“It’s been a while. I thought you prefer to escape the cold and come out West when you’re not playing? What’s keeping you East?” Two things: the surgeon and specialists are all based in New York and Sarai Nazaire.

“The doctors I have to have follow up checkups with are out here and I’d rather not have to keep flying back and forth. I’ll just wait it out until I’ve gotten to the point when I can go an extended amount of time without having to be in their offices. I’m enjoying being home though. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve actually gotten to enjoy my house.” And that’s the truth. Usually when the season ends, I’m on the first flight out to L.A. whether I’m flying private or not. Being a Louisiana native, the cold isn’t my thing and even with the years I’ve spent here thus far, I’m still not used to it. I’ve made a lot of friendships out on the west coast too.

Being home has given me plenty of time to reflect and most of all, be settled. I’m not settled in L.A. and I’ve never wanted to be that out there. From the time I opened my eyes in the morning, I’d be on go until I fell asleep again at some ridiculous hour in the am yet again. I thought being home would give me this sense of feeling washed up, but instead it’s granted me a regularity that I’ve been seeking and yet didn’t know to acquire.

“But you are coming to L.A. at some point to train, right?” Her eyebrows rose in curiosity. A shrug was the initial response to that.

“I don’t know. I’m definitely rehabbing here. So, I’ll see what happens when I’m in the clear to run on a field again. Nothing is set in stone though.”

“I don’t think I can ever live out here. As soon as I stepped out of the airport today, I nearly turned back around. It’s too damn cold.”

“Yeah, it’s nippy.” I mean, what did she expect? It’s damn near the end of November in New York City.

“I’m out here for the week to shoot with Jeremy Scott.”

“That’s dope. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. Congratulations on the cover. Hustler of the Year is fitting for you.”

“Appreciate it.”

What I thought was going to be a short-lived conversation turned into her deciding to remain by my side as if she were the third missing amigo to Ben and I. Though her topics of discussion felt casual, the gestures against my clothed limbs weren’t. Out of boredom, I kept count of the number of times her hand grazed the arm and leg nearest to her. The only thing she hadn’t done is set up a time and a place for the two of us to meet once we walked out of those doors separately tonight. More so for her own sake rather than mine, I hope she doesn’t muster up the boldness she can have every now and then. It’s not happening.

“You’re not drinking.” Her breath reeked of alcohol. Maybe she’s been smelling her own far too much to notice only the scent of cranberry juice oozing from mine.

“Nah, I haven’t been drinking much since this happened. Initially, I couldn’t drink because of the medication and now I’m just chilling on it until I get my body back right. It’s a disciplinary habit.”

“Remember that time we got drunk at The London in Beverly Hills? By the time we woke up in the morning, my panties were draping from a lamp shade.” Yet again, her hand grazed my thigh. Ben quietly grew fed up with the unrequested company on the opposite side of myself and swiftly moved about the place to mingle amongst those that he knows from the two of us hanging around certain cities. He’d bailed on me, but not without making it more than obvious that he was doing exactly that. Jasmine wasn’t fazed in the slightest by his slick commentary about me needing to carry a fly swatter with me for moments like this.

“Uh, I.”

My glared panned past her and in an instant, my breath became hitched in my throat at the unexpected. The hand that I raised to tug at my collar, eventually slid up and washed over my whole entire face as my frame transitioned into a furnace like blaze. Though I couldn’t hear her laughter, just the sight of her smile illuminated the room in only a way that her aura could. While standing alongside Chad Johnson, she stretched her arm out in the direction of a male standing before her and their hands interlocked for a shake. As her eyebrows rose, yet again, another fit of giggles spilled from her lips and my body shifted, creating a space between Jasmine and I. Like me, she wore a turtleneck, but hers is an entire long-sleeved dress hugging every curve and accent of her ridiculous frame. Its shortness was a bold lack of concern for the brittle air outside and yet the sight of her milk chocolate legs stole not only my attention but that of many others who glanced at her every couple of seconds. She commanded all eyes on her without ever moving from one spot, radiated beauty in its rarest form, and unnerved every fiber of my being without speaking a word to me. If I weren’t on one of those covers, I’m not even sure whether she’d know or care that I’m here.

“Excuse me, Jasmine.” Droplets of the contents inside of my glass splashed onto the table I dropped it on before I made a dash for Ben. He’d been posted up in a corner speaking with Jordan Clarkson for the past couple of minutes.

“I know. I know.” As his eyebrows flew up, what is usually laughter that instantly makes me laugh along with him, turned into something so fucking annoying.

“You good?” What kind of question is that?

“I’m good.” The greeting I shared with Jordan was barely there, because my attention remained locked on the opposite side of the room. He’d yet to let go of her hand and although she was no longer laughing, she seemed to be doing her best to remain composed as he continued to bestow his flattery on her. I know he’s flirting, because he’s being given the same exact facial expression every athlete who visits the show receives whenever they try their hand at wooing her. Her smile is forced, with just a slight curve. Tonight, her lips are painted a crimson red shade. It makes the manner in which they’re pressed together that much more visible. There’s a side of her that always attempts to at least save the moment from being embarrassing by playing along while slyly blowing off the person in the process and then there’s the other side, who will professionally check you before the commentary can either get out of line or shift the segments of their show into places they have no business being in. I’m not sure what happens in a party setting, but she’s being polite nonetheless.

“What are you doing?” I could hear Jasmine speaking near my ear and yet I couldn’t bear to look at her. As Chad threw his arm over Sarai’s shoulder, she finally turned her head and captured my line of view. I could feel my lips arising into a smile, but hers did not. The glance was treated as something random. As quickly as she looked over is as quickly as her head shifted back into position to be respectful to the man speaking to her. Like a mime, he turned his head to figure out who or what she saw and it was then that I could put a name to the side of his face as he walked away from her; Mychal Kendricks. It’s the middle of the season, what is he doing out here?

“Excuse me.”

My feet were in accord with the erratic portion of myself that tends to rub people the wrong way despite whatever honest intentions I may have. Like the fiercest magnet, I’m drawn to her in a way that I can’t quite explain and I continue to find myself doing things like this; either putting myself in a position for potential embarrassment or tossing aside every sense of cool that I know I have just to become completely lost into hers.

“Oh shit. It’s that pretty boy wideout who ain’t prettier or faster than me.” Chad immediately drew me in for a hug before I could respond. We’re not close friends or anything of that sort, but there’s a high level of respect between he and I, because we’re cut from the same cloth of being misunderstood. His skill and agility were taken for granted by the league and I don’t believe he was given a fair second chance. Whenever we cross paths, he always makes sure to drop a couple of gems for me to take along with me on this journey and every once in a while, he’ll shoot me a text message or two with work out advice to continue increasing my stamina.

“Boy ain’t nothing pretty about cha.” The Nola drawl oozed out with my words as we shared a laugh.

“How you looking, big dawg? Give me something for a segment; a Friday hot take or something. You in therapy yet?”

“On my way. Just got clearance.”

“That’s all I need. I’m about to throw some extra sauce on that shit and start telling the people you back.”  

Even with us being inches away from one another, I might as well had been a gust of wind that blew over in their direction and would eventually fizzle away. She holds the supposed forbidden nature of what is mutual between the two of us in a higher regard than she does what is undeniable.

“You remember Sarai, right? Ya’ll did the interview.” Within one shift, her upper frame twisted enough to slightly face me.

“Odell. How are you?” Like she’d done Mychal, her arm extended towards me and I latched my own onto hers. The perspiration within her palm moistened mine while the faint trembling radiating from her core further rattled my own.

“I’m well. It’s very nice to see you again.”

“Likewise.” My thumb grazed over the smooth skin. Like a trigger, she awakened parts of me that have been neglected for some months now. For the past couple of weeks, it’s felt like I’m dragging through a scorching desert losing every bit of liquid within me and the only one possible of quenching my thirst is within reach and yet so far away. It’s like a torturous tease and yet a test of my willingness. How much do I need it? How far am I willing to go to have it?

“I might be prettier than you, but this queen right here is a better at everything. I just sit on the panel with hope that I’ll be able to fill her shoes one day. Right, Sarai?” While rolling her eyes, she playfully nudged him away from her and stuck up her middle finger just enough for him to notice it.

“I agree.” I would have agreed whether she was standing here or not.

“You already know I tell everybody you’re the best. I’m a firm believer that somehow, women are better at everything than us.” He has a point. There are no other creatures on earth who know how to make a will or a way for everything like women do. They’re the true pioneers of making something out of nothing. That’s exactly why men are in the positions we’re in today. It starts at home.

“That’s progressive.”

“Oh, congratulations on the cover, big dawg.”

“Appreciate it.” Shit, that dress is fitting. It damn near looks like it was sewn onto her.

“Photos?” Our group photo was short lived. It turned into just a couple of shots between Sarai and I as Chad’s talkative nature continued to be in full swing as he stepped off inches away to throw himself into a conversation with someone else. I’m sure the Don Julio he’s drinking is playing a major part in it as well.

“What are you doing?” She spoke through clenched teeth and slowly withdrew my arm from her waistline. The professional distance returned and her eyebrows furrowed.

“Talking. Is that a crime?”

“You already know this cannot happen.”

“What can’t happen?” I closed the gap. Her enthralling scent worsened the tightening in my throat.

“Beckham.”

“Beckham? Stop playing with me.” A smirk danced along my lips. I didn’t expect her to be tenser than I am, and yet here we are.

“I’m not playing.”

“I can’t speak to my favorite sports analyst at a GQ party? I’m not asking you to kiss me or anything like that, although I’d like to. It’s just a conversation. So, today you mentioned something about the Celtics possibly being able to win the Eastern Conference Finals? We both know that’s a lie.”

“What I said was, the Celtics have a better bench than Lebron’s Cavs do, which may give them an advantage to apply some pleasure. I never said they were going to win. Lebron is still Lebron at the end of the day. I’ve always said for as long as he’s in the east, he’ll be the King of the East. The whole entire conference has to go through him to make it to the finals and it hasn’t happened the last seven years. It’s not likely to happen this time around either. This will be his last year in Cleveland though. I firmly stand by that.”

“I doubt it.”

“Reputable sources are telling me otherwise.”

“Ah. There’s that source word that all sports reporters love to throw around. Who exactly do ya’ll be speaking to? I’m starting to believe that it’s a word used to make a story sound like it has more validity to it, but ultimately, there’s no truth behind it.” I can’t stand whenever something is either quoted as coming directly from me and I never said it or when an analyst claims to have spoken to someone within my camp. My question is always; who the fuck is this person? I have good standing relationships with a few, who are able to reach out for with questions or for information that I may or may not want to share, but with those that I don’t? The source word instantly rubs me the wrong way.

“My source is Lebron, himself. Any other questions? I’ve built up enough repertoire within the industry to be able to have close connections like that.”

“Any NFL close connections?”

“I know a few agents and people throughout certain front offices.”

“Any players?”

“Nope.”

“None at all?” My snicker wasn’t condescending. I really am amused.

“Nope.”

“Didn’t look like it to me just a couple of minutes ago.”

“He claimed to be a fan just like you did. I’m sure the woman who’s been sitting alongside you tonight and who is also currently waiting for you in that same spot, is just a fan too, right?”

“She’s no one.”

“Oh okay. Well you and no one have a goodnight.”

She left me with no chance to respond. I knew not to follow her as she made her way to the bar, despite the extreme urge to do so.

For the first time, in a long time, I feel like a lost boy who doesn’t know what it takes to get the full attention of the girl I like. These are the conversations I’ve never had with my father. He’s never stopped living the glorified college days when it comes to how he conducts himself with women. He and my mother split before I could ever remember them being together and every woman he’s been with since then have felt like temporary fixtures within his life who he bailed out on right after they birthed him sons. As soon as I was drafted, I’ve sensed how he vicariously lives through me and with that has its moments of bad advice. I can’t share this with him. He wouldn’t know what to do with it. Like any man trying to navigate life, I’m just going to have to figure out as I go.

“Shit, it’s fucking cold.” The mumble followed the chattering of my teeth as I stood at the top of the steps. Sarai left the party about a half an hour before I did and she did so alone. She left Chad to continue to be the life of his section and slipped out of the door without much hassle or notice. It was up to me to get Ben’s drunk ass home and he passed out on the couch after raiding the fridge for left over siracha hot wings that’ll definitely have his stomach fucked up in the morning.

“It’s two thirty in the morning.” And yet she hasn’t removed anything with the exception of the pumps she wore on her feet. Everything is still as perfectly placed as it was when my eyes first landed on her some hours ago.

“Well, good morning.”

“Only booty calls and police show at people’s doors this time of the morning.” While she leaned against the doorpost, I used the top of her banister for support. Though I haven’t been standing out here very long, there’s a slight ache in my ankle that’s only intensifying the more I stand on it.

“I’ll be whichever one you want me to be. Either way, it sounds like a good time waiting to happen.” I had to. She walked right into it. Despite how hard she tried not to; she couldn’t help but to join me in chuckling.

“What’s in the box?”

“A gift for you.”

“It’s not my birthday.”

“I know.”

“It’s not Christmas either.”

“I know.”

“So, what’s the occasion?”

“I like you.”

Her head tilted and in the earthy hues of her brown eyes held parts of her story that I’ve yet to explore but will need to. There’s nothing malevolent or malignant and instead a purity that needs to be safeguarded at all costs. People go on and on about pretty blue eyes or alluring green ones, but there’s something about the deep chocolate of Sarai’s that’s unrivaled in beauty. Maybe it’s the glimmer or the way her lashes flutter whenever she blinks. Maybe it’s the way they tease you with bits of her soul and tells you her thoughts without her ever having to say anything to you. They twinkle like the brightest star and yet have a depth that seems to lead to a heaven that I can only wish to be a part of. I want to know and be a part of all of her.

“And it’s Thanksgiving Eve, technically. So, I’m thankful for you too. Is that a good enough reason?”

“It’ll due.” She finally stepped aside to grant me entry into her home and I walked along the hall I became familiar with when I spent the night here. Though my house trumps her in sizing, it doesn’t stand a chance in a battle with hers when it comes to the décor. Sarai’s place looks like something out of an interior design catalog and the fact that she did it all herself makes it all the more impressive. While it seems to be far too much space for someone living alone, it fits her and is representative of what she deserves. Plus, she has an elevator. I’m slightly jealous of that. I’ve been crawling up and down the steps in my house for two months now.

“You haven’t changed your clothes or anything. What were you doing?”

“Watching Shameless. I’m behind a couple of seasons. I’m trying to catch up, but I never have the time to binge watch anything.”

“Shameless?”

“It’s a show about a fucked up family, with fucked up friends and neighbors, living in the southside of Chicago. Everyone on the show ain’t shit.”

“In a funny way or a super deep way?”

“Both.” I placed the Chanel box on the coffee table. Rather than sitting on the love seat, I lifted her legs, took a seat on the end of the sofa, and placed them over my lap. “Where are your crutches?”

“I don’t need them anymore.”

“You should still elevate it and be careful with the pressure.”

“I will, nurse.”

“Good.” She’s gotten so used me calling her that, that she plays right into it now.

“At the party, you saw Jasmine sitting next me. We were never in a relationship but we did have something going on at one point. It’s been over for a while. I haven’t even seen her in months. So, when I say that she’s no one, I mean it.”

“Did you think I was jealous? You don’t have to clarify that with me. It’s okay. I’m not against you being around other women.” I’m not even sure how to take that.

“I didn’t think you were jealous.” She had no reason to be.

“At some point, this faze that you’re going through when it comes to myself is going to fizzle away, and you’re going to want some normalcy in terms of a connection with a woman. So, you should continue to mingle with other women, so that your options are there when you do head in that direction.” My eyes lowered at her words

“This faze?”

“You and I can never be normal. We’re literally stuck at a standstill with our emotions being the only aspect of it that can go beyond this. This is what we have; random middle of the night visits and text messages. We’re something no one can know about. You want that?”

“I want you.”

“In this way? At a standstill? As a dark secret?”

“In every way.”

I drew her left leg over and lean over to meddle myself between her thighs. Our kiss was potent as our warm builds meshed together. The weight of her worries ceased and the potential disappointment budding within me was no more. She drew me closer to defy her own words and laced the leg I was once holding around my waist in a fury identical to mine.

“I want a fair chance, Sarai.” The warmth of her lips delicately grazed my neck sending my head into a spiral.

“Beckham, it doesn’t make sense.”

“It makes sense.” Why is she the only one who my instincts can accept? The only one who makes sense.

“There are rules.”

“Rewrite them, with me.”

Her gaze held mine and yet there was no hesitance or regret. She had no words for me. Her lips were what affirmed her willingness to take this journey with me.

#odell beckham jr fanfic #odell beckham fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #fan fic

[notameeksassenach]

Dirt in the Skirt

Moodboard 

Many many thanks to @theministerskat, who not only served as the best beta in the world but also took the time to make a gorgeous moodboard (link above) and the epic title graphic!

The inspiration for this beauty started while walking around the National Baseball Hall of Fame. I grew up 30 minutes from the Hall of Fame, and have spent so much time at this wonderful place. The Woman in Baseball exhibit is one of my favorite places to walk around and explore. 

Dirt in the Skirt

Chapter 1 - The Beginning of an Era

With our boys overseas and off to war, baseball pitches in for the war effort! Baseball’s biggest stars say “Look out Mr. Hitler. The Yanks are coming!” And the Indians and Red Sox, too! And they won’t come back until it’s over, over there!

Baseball may be shut down for the duration of the war. Detroit Tigers owner and automobile mogul, Colum MacKenzie held meetings with other team owners to discuss the fate of their beloved sport. With fears that the sport would be shut down for the duration of the war, Colum’s younger brother, Dougal Mackenzie, has been charged with finding a way to keep baseball going. With any luck, the promotional whiz can find a way to keep the bases loaded!

Preparing for another day of chores, Claire Beauchamp-Randall quickly tied up the laces of her trainers. The simple routine of it allowed her mind to wander and she thought back on how she came to be in this exact moment. Originally hailing from England, her parents had uprooted their family when the opportunity to own the farm had arisen. Claire’s world quickly became centered around helping her parents by working on the farm.

When she married Frank nearly six years prior, she packed up the few possessions that were precious to her,, put aside the naive girl who knew nothing outside of her family’s farm and quickly learned to navigate the city streets. Claire acclimated well and was much like the other twenty-somethings around her who grew up in the sleepy suburbs of Boston.

Frank, who was a history professor at Harvard, had swept Claire off her feet from the moment they had met. She was only nineteen at the time, and he was much older and had an air of mystery about him. Settling herself into her new role as wife, Claire spent most of her days doting on Frank, ensuring all his needs were met, and that she left a good impression on his colleagues. She quickly became the model wife, putting aside any dreams she may have for the sake of her husband.

Claire never thought she would find her way back to Beauchamp Family Farm, always hoping to find something more than the routine life it offered. But life has a way of throwing curveballs at you when you least expect them. Since the beginning of the war, she found herself back home. Frank, ever the patriot, saw it as his duty to put down his books in favor of joining the fight.

After checking the chickens and cows, it was time to make her way to the garden. With it being her sanctuary, Claire could easily lose herself in the tending of her plants. Making her way through rows and rows of vegetables and flowers, she was so engrossed in her duties that she didn’t notice that she was no longer alone among the flora.

“Claire!” Geillis shouted and quickly dissolved into giggles as she startled her friend.

Claire turned to face her, clutching her chest. She shot the other woman a look of disdain as she tried to calm her heart from being nearly frightened to death. Picking up a trowel full of dirt, she flung it in Geillis’ direction.

“There’s no need to scare me like that!”

Claire should have expected the other woman to come out of nowhere. Geillis was a regular occurrence on the farm. Having been best friends growing up, it was not unheard of to find one where you found the other. Whether it was in the garden where they shared their love of plants, or on the baseball diamond where they shared a passion for the game, the two were thick as thieves. It was another benefit to being back home, Claire had been able to rekindle the friendship she once had with Geillis. As well as getting the chance to lose herself in the sport she cherished.

“Ye better get your glove, Claire. Ye ken it’s almost time for the game!”

“You seem more giddy than usual, Gellie. You normally reserve that level of excitement for the games you pitch.”

Geillis was the star pitcher for the local women's baseball league the two played for, though she wouldn’t be pitching in today’s game. It was only fair to switch off and allow everyone the chance to play the position. Their team was made up of a mixture of Scottish and English baseball enthusiasts, and they aptly named themselves the Swinging Sassenachs. There were several of these small leagues in the area. All coordinated by the players, it gave the women a chance to play a sport that was dominated by men. They made up their own seasons and played as if they were making their way to the World Series. A good time was had all around, and Claire couldn’t wait to take her place behind home plate as the team’s catcher.

Bottom of the ninth, one out, one on base. The Swinging Sassenachs were down 2-0. Geillis knew there was a lot riding on her as she grabbed her bat and made her way towards home plate.

“Gellie, watch out for those high ones!” Claire shouted over the crowd. The redhead had a tendency to imitate a lumberjack rather than Babe Ruth, trying to hit all the high balls.

“Quit naggin’ Claire. I like the high ones!”

Positioning herself, she began to focus on the task at hand. As the ball approached home plate, she swung and missed.

“Strike one!” called the umpire.

Shaking it off, Geillis tried to get her head back into the game. She took a deep breath and readied herself for the next pitch. She could see the ball coming towards her as if it were in slow motion. With a swoosh and a crack, the ball was gone. Geillis took off and successfully made it to second base before the ball reentered the infield.

As the lineup continued, the Swinging Sassenachs were still down 2-0 but had picked up another out. Making her way to the plate, Claire knew the fate of the game was in her hands. If she were to strike out, the game would be over and they would be adding another loss to their season. What she really needed was a home run. That would ensure a win, putting them at a final score of 3-2.

Claire had always been good under pressure, which earned her the spot as the cleanup hitter. Digging her cleats into the dirt, she found her sweet spot. Visualizing the ball coming straight down the middle, connecting with the bat, sending it deep into right field.

The only thing Claire was aware of was the roar of the crowd, and her feet as they made contact with each plate as she made her way around the bases.

“And the Swinging Sassenachs come from behind to win the game 3-2! Well done ladies!”

But what Claire didn’t notice was the spectator that wasn’t participating in the celebrations. Instead, he was still in his seat, silently studying the scene before him.

Upon returning to the farm, the girls busied themselves with the completion of the day’s remaining chores. The two chattered back and forth, recalling every little detail of the game, as they tended the goats, sheep, and horses.

“Ye should have seen the crowd when you hit that home run, Claire.” Geillis cupped her hands around her mouth, imitating the sound of a roaring crowd.

Claire responded with a reddening of her cheeks, and a shower of hay aimed directly at Geillis’ head. Anticipating the reaction. Geillis ducked, causing the offending hay to hit the gentleman neither of them had noticed behind her square in the face.

“Oh! I’m terribly sorry. Can we help you with something?” Claire apologized as she suspiciously eyed the man before her.

Wiping his face and untangling the debris from his beard, the gruff looking man responded.

“Aye. The name is Murtagh Fraser, baseball scout. I saw ye playing ball today.” his voice matched his gruff demeanor.

“And what of it?” Geillis asked, clearly curious as to why this stranger had any interest in their abilities. Claire could tell that this stranger had definitely peaked Geillis’ interest.

“Ever hear of Colum Mackenzie? Mackenzie Motors? Ye ken, the automobiles?”

Both women stared blankly back at Murtagh. Unfazed by their lack of reaction, he continued.

“He’s starting a girl’s baseball league while the boys are overseas.”

“And what does that have to do with us?” Claire questioned. She was running out of patience for this man in front of her. She still had chores to finished before dinner.

“It’s a real league, professional ye ken. Dinna ye want to play professional baseball?”

There was still no reaction from the dark-haired lass. The redhead, on the other hand, acted as if she would burst at the seams with excitement. Realizing that he needed to get the point sooner rather than later, he continued on.

“Look, yer country needs you. And ye can not only play ball, but both of ye are kinda dollies.”

“Dollies? Now listen here you. I’m a married woman! My husband is currently overseas!” Claire was done. Pushing past Murtagh, she made her way to the door where she was waiting for him to get the hint that he was free to leave.

“I didna mean any offense mistress. ‘Tis just that they want girls that are easy on the eye.”

“I’ll go. I’m ready right now. Do I have to sign something?” Gellis had always been the one of the two who was up for any challenge, the one who tended to not look before she lept.

Taking one final shot to make a hard sell, Murtagh left the girls with an envelope containing all the information as well as their train tickets. “The train leaves for Detroit tomorrow. What do ye say? Are ye in?”

“Ye..” Geillis began before Claire cut her off in one swift motion.

Turning back to Murtagh, Claire responded. “We’ll have to think about it. Good day sir.”

With a curt nod, Murtagh excused himself from the barn, grumbling as he made his way through a throng of chickens who were eagerly eating outside the barn.

“What are we to do, Claire?” asked Geillis.

“I’m not sure Gellie. I’m not sure what I want to do.”

“Claire, I’m going to play with or without ye. I just hope it's with ye.” And without another word, the redhead left the farmhouse, closing the door shut behind her.

Still reeling from the baseball scout’s offer to play professional baseball, Claire weighed her options in her head. On one hand, she loved the game and would love the opportunity to play and show the country just what women could do. But at the same time, she had wanted to embrace the simpler life while she waited for Frank to return from war. But maybe Murtagh had been right. Maybe her country did need her.

Hearing a knock on the front door, Claire pulled herself from her thoughts.

Who could be knocking at this hour? Mama and Dad weren’t expecting guests. It can’t be Gellie, she’d just let herself in.

Releasing the locks, Claire slowly opened the door. She wasn’t prepared for what she found on the other side. The one sight that she had hoped and prayed she would never see.

A Western Union messenger.

Claire could feel her knees go weak as she struggled to find her voice.

“M...May I help you?”

“A telegram for Mrs. Beauchamp-Randall,” he said matter of factly. “It’s from the War Department.”

“I’m…” she had to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat. “I’m Mrs. Beauchamp-Randall.”

He placed the letter in her hand before tipping his hat and turning to leave. Claire stood there staring at her hands, the letter still sealed. A myriad of thoughts went through her head, jumping from one to the next.

She wasn’t sure how she had gotten there, but Claire had made her way back inside and was seated at the kitchen table. Slowly she began to open the letter, praying that it wasn’t what she thought it was.

Maybe Frank just sent word that he was being discharged. Maybe he’s coming home.

With a rush of tears blurring her vision, she knew that the letter contained the confirmation that Frank was indeed coming home-- coming home so that he could be properly buried.

Dropping the telegram onto the table, Claire buried her head in the hands. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do now without Frank

Using the back of her hands to wipe the tears from her face, she glanced down at the telegram, nestled right next to the offer to play baseball.

#outlander #outlander fanfiction #outlander fanfic #outlander fan fic #a league of their own au #jamie fraser #claire beauchamp #dirt in the skirts

[easyhairstylesbest]

Aquarius Monthly Horoscope

MONTH OF January

Monthly Snapshot

It’s your time, Aquarius! After a tough and trying 2020, you’ve finally floated ashore, completing a long swim in the emotion ocean. You sidestroked through those uncomfortable and oft-choppy waters all last year (and boy are your arms tired…). For a sign that’s famously described as “emotionally detached” you hardly fit that picture.

Then along came the Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn on December 21, 2020, AKA the buzzed-about “Christmas star”. As these two galactic giants united—visibly, unless there were clouds—in YOUR sign, you were launched into a bold and expansive new chapter. Talk about being shot out of the cosmic cannon!

If you’re not feeling the renewal, you will soon enough. With the Sun slogging through Capricorn and your sleepy twelfth house until January 19, it might take a couple weeks for your Water Bearer buzz to full kick in. But when Aquarius season begins on January 19, you’ll start to feel propelled by rocket fuel to pursue your solo goals and personal passions. Prepare for liftoff!

Just make sure you get your exciting plans underwaclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” y before January 30, when Mercury turns retrograde  in your sign for three weeks. You may have to hit the pause button temporarily, or go back to the drawing board to tweak your plans. But this will give you a chance to make sure you’ve got a solid launch strategy in place before you commence your epic debuts. The world will be eagerly waiting, so you might as well do it right!

Week 1: January 1-10

Home is where the heat is

Ready for a mental break? For the past six months, your mind has been on constant alert, thanks to activator Mars blazing through Aries and your interactive third house since June 27, 2020. Mars normally stays in one sign for six weeks, so its quadruple-length visit activated your communication sector for an extended cycle.

For many Water Bearers, this also meant multitasking against a constant backdrop of gadget notifications pinging, WFH Zooms, and calls with coworkers, friends, family and co-conspirators of all kinds. Even your social sign felt the utter overload! Throw in the slightly stressful but much-needed socially-distanced interactions, and you may have felt like your head was in a constant spin state that’s left you mentally exhausted and overtaxed at the same time.

This spell of being both wired and tired ends on Wednesday, January 6, as Mars enters Taurus and your fourth house of home, family and foundations until March 3, turning your attention to self-care and personal matters. Are there things around the house you simply haven’t been able to address? Perhaps it’s a renovation project you’d really like to tackle—or it might even be time for a move, a roommate reshuffle or some other home-based matter. Your mother or a female relative could be a source of either motivation or stress (and maybe both).

Between now and March 3, tackle any home or personal life matters head-on. The new Mars-fueled courage and determination helps you move quickly and efficiently. Don’t be surprised if strong feelings and mood swings erupt along the way, thanks to the fourth house’s thin-skinned nature. Hint: There’s nothing like a good cry or a primal scream in the car to clear those channels! Indulge your inner child as needed.

Week 2: January 11-17

Call of duty

This week finds you torn between your desire to pursue your own agenda and a sense of duty to your family and home. Reconciling the dueling agendas won’t be easy, and you could find that by trying to please everyone, you please no one. Prioritize your passions, Aquarius, but make time to relax with loved ones, indulge in restorative self-care or attend to matters at base camp.

This tension is the result of two activating planets, Mars and Uranus, racing through Taurus and your domestic fourth house, which could bring curveballs and pressure to your personal life. You may be moving, making unexpected changes to your living situation or attending to a relative in need. The demands could definitely spike your stress levels and provoke a few intense mood swings.

At the same time, expansive Jupiter and structured Saturn have just nestled into Aquarius and your first house of self, independence and personal projects. You’ve got big ideas and missions to accomplish, and you don’t have time to be held back by too many people depending on you.

It class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” all begins on Wednesday, January 13, when Mars and Saturn get embroiled in a tense square. You’re in front of some important personal decisions, perhaps even at a crossroads. With Saturn in your sign from December 17, 2020 until March 7, 2023, you’re at the beginning of a powerful new chapter. But it’s one that will demand your focused attention, and that won’t leave much time to take care of other people.

With stressful Mars ratcheting up the neediness from your inner circle, keeping firm boundaries—which is what Saturn’s all about—will be essential. Teach them how to fish instead of rushing in for the save, and make sure YOU have enough support if you find yourself pulled into guilt trips or other old family dynamics that are hard to overcome.

On Thursday, January 14, changemaker Uranus, your ruling planet, ends a five-month retrograde. Instability or slowdowns related to your family or living situation will clear up. If you’ve been at a crossroads about where to live or a personal decision, innovative Uranus could bring in some unexpected new options.

That same day, the Sun makes its annual conjunction (meetup) with shadowy Pluto in Capricorn and your twelfth house of closure and healing. Some deeply-buried emotions could emerge or you may need to summon the courage to end a toxic situation for once and for all. Perhaps you’ve been sticking around out of fear, guilt or some misplaced sense of obligation. Cut the codependent ties and follow what your soul is telling you, Aquarius.

If you’re still hanging on, don’t worry, because come Sunday, January 17, liberation will be a requirement, not an option. Your ruling planet Uranus will form an embattled square to Jupiter, pushing you to break free of anything that feels confining or limiting. These two freedom-seeking planets only square off every seven years, and when they do, it’s impossible to stay in a situation you’ve outgrown.

Strong feelings erupt today and you won’t be able to bite your tongue. They may bubble up without notice, and before you know it, you’re having THAT conversation. But if you’re planning to drop a bombshell, make sure you have some emotional support at the ready. The fallout of making a big, life-altering decision could have more impact than you expect.

Week 3: January 18-24

Awake at last! Aquarius season begins this week, as the Sun joins Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn in the Water Bearer’s domain this Tuesday, January 19, staying until February 18. You’re ready to dive into your 2021 goals and resolutions with full focus. Bring it on!

Midweek, you could be a bundle of nerves and feelings! On Wednesday, January 20, hotheaded Mars and volatile Uranus connect in Taurus and your touchy fourth house. Your moods may be mercurial and your temper could be like an active volcano on the verge of eruption.

With these two game-changing planets in your fourth house of home and family, this week may also bring curveball news about your living situation. Perhaps your dream home suddenly goes on the market and you decide to buy at a rock-bottom price. Maybe your landlord announces she’s selling the building that you’ve rented in for years, or you decide to rip up your roots and relocate…cuz why not? For Water Bearers of the childbearing set, pregnancy news (yours or a relative’s) could come out of the blue!

Your emotions get way overblown on Saturday, January 23, as Mars squares off with outspoken Jupiter in Aquarius. Resentment will boil over toward anyone who seems to be holding you back or demanding too much of you. You’re only human, Aquarius—but remember, so are they! Most people are feeling sapped and burnt out these days. If you bit off more than you could chew, or took on the role of caretaker then crashed, don’t get mad, just make a new arrangement. Relieve yourself of any burdensome emotional duties and decisions for a bit.

But that doesn’t mean you should slip into denial! Take a hard look in the mirror on Saturday as sobering Saturn and the Sun make their annual conjunction, meeting up in Aquarius. This once-a-year alliance rips off the rose-colored glasses and forces us to confront our limitations and shortcomings. Harsh? Yes, but like any tough-love coach or bootcamp trainer, Saturn is “cruel to be kind.”

On this day of self-reckoning, keep it real with yourself—but be compassionate! You’ve been through an incredibly tough 2020, weathering nonstop planetary action in your twelfth house of loss, closure and transition.

If you’re out of shape mentally or physically, or you’ve lapsed into bad habits or addictions, forgiveness is the path to grace. Hitting rock bottom? Good. But once you’ve acknowledged that, make a plan for how you’ll get out of this hole instead of digging yourself in deeper. A coach, expert or supportive mentor can help, so don’t hesitate to send out an SOS. You don’t have to do it alone!

Week 4: January 25-31

Me, myself and I

This week continues to energize your personal goals and passion projects. With the Sun, Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn all in Aquarius, you’ve got cosmic clearance to prioritize your own agenda, although you may have to navigate a few obstacles along the way. Nevertheless, you shall persist—and hopefully pick up a few new allies along the way!

On Tuesday, January 26, the Sun in Aquarius will square off against disruptor Uranus (your ruler) in stubborn Taurus, echoing the tension of the January 13 Mars-Uranus square. Your need for “me time” or to pursue your own goals is at odds with curveballs from home and family, particularly a female relative.

One Aquarius we know is juggling supporting her mother going through radiation treatments, a best friend whose family is also dealing with a medical crisis and extended travel away from home to be there for everyone. Just remember that “wherever you go, there you are”—and try a meditation app like Headspace, Calm or Aura to keep calm and centered.

This kind of uprootedness could push you over the edge if you don’t take time for your own needs and self-care in January. We know it won’t be easy to carve out that space, but your mental wellbeing depends on it! Plus, you could find yourself in “caretaker burnout” which could lead you to snap at the very people you’re trying to help. Balance is key!

Luckily, the stars summon your support squad in the nick of time at the Thursday, January 28, Leo full moon, which blossoms in your seventh house of committed partnerships. Is it time for a relationship to turn official, or increase the commitment level? Joyful Leo says go for it.

Because, hey, you’re in the magic hotseat today, Aquarius—a well-deserved throne, might we add! Along with the Leo full moon, the Sun will conjunct expansive Jupiter in its once-a-year meetup, known as the Day of Miracles and considered by astrologers to be one of the luckiest days of the year.

In 2021, the Sun and Jupiter are meeting up in YOUR sign, tripling your fortune. Put yourself out there, pump up a passion project, make a big announcement about a solo endeavor. Love, business success, artistic expression—whatever’s most important to YOU will get a big boclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” ost today.

Take advantage of this moment, though, because on Saturday, January 30, communication planet Mercury will go retrograde until February 20. Mercury will back through Aquarius—and put you in a different kind of hotseat. Your splashy announcements could fall flat or be eclipsed by other things.

Dip behind the scenes for a couple weeks, learn from your launch and tighten up your beta version so it’s truly ready for prime time. Be extra careful of what you say, post or announce because you WILL be called to task for anything off-color or offensive. This is meant to be your luckiest year in over a decade, Aquarius, and you don’t want to squander it by attracting the wrong kind of PR  during Mercury’s backspin. When in doubt, cut it out!

LOVE & ROMANCE:

Get out of your head and into your heart! After six long months in Aries, passionate Mars leaves your cerebral third house and moves into Taurus, activating your touchy-feely fourth until March 3. Since June 27, 2020, Mars has had your mind going a mile a minute, leading to bouts of indecisiveness, analysis paralysis and, as often as not, overthinking everything! In your hyperactive mind, the grass was greener and FOMO raged—or perhaps because of pandemic, there was a lot of TALK but not so much true connection.

From January 6 to March 3, Mars will tour Taurus and help you get back into your body and your heart. This is a great time for self-care, redecorating (and in the process) re-energizing your home. Anything that needs a fire lit under it will benefit now. Just stay on guard for friction with relatives and roommates since Mars motivates and aggravates!

Venus has been in Sagittarius and your social eleventh house, but she’ll pull up stakes on January 8, relocating to Capricorn and your twelfth house of fantasy. This is a healing zone, so you might take a little time out to visualize, meditate, journal or get over a heartbreak. In the privacy of your own thoughts, you can release something that no longer fits into your life or brings joy.

On January 9, Venus and Mars form their annual harmonious trine, heralding a beautiful moment of tenderness and connecting heart to heart. Pay attention to authentic feelings that arise at this time; they might just surprise you!

Key Dates:

January 9: Venus-Mars trine

Bring on the lasting love! As affectionate Venus and passionate Mars harmonize in stable earth signs, you could have true romance with all the trimmings—sensuality and stability. Skip the “come here now go away” players and their mixed messages. A partner who makes you feel secure is suddenly the most attractive catch in town. Coupled? Mark a long-term relationship with a thoughtful gift to let your mate know how much you cherish them.

MONEY & CAREER:

  Dear Reader: To bring you cutting-edge financial and career astrology, we’ve discontinued our monthly Money and Career Horoscope. This will allow us to devote the time to courses and offerings we’ve got planned all year to support you in creating abundance.

Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a dreamer with a side hustle or just looking for deeper satisfaction from your work, we invite you to join us for January’s special event to craft your vision for 2021.

2021 Vision Board Experience: January 28 with The AstroTwins Ready to designclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” a path that truly fulfills you in 2021? Join us for a star-powered live online event to create success, leadership and impact on January 28, 2021. Tickets available at https://astrostyle.com/visionboard21

Love Days: 24, 28

Money Days: 8, 16

Luck Days: 6, 13

Off Days: 26, 3, 11

See All Signs

Shop ELLE.com’s Exclusive Zodiac PopSockets

Aries Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Aries Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Taurus Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Taurus Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Gemini Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Gemini Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Cancer Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Cancer Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Leo Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Leo Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Virgo Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Virgo Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Libra Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Libra Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Scorpio Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Scorpio Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Sagittarius Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Sagittarius Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Aquarius Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Aquarius Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Pisces Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Pisces Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Capricorn Illustrated PopSocket

Stars & ‘Scopes amazon.com

$14.99

Capricon Astrology Galaxy PopSocket

The AstroTwins Identical twin sisters Ophira and Tali Edut (The AstroTwins), have been ELLE.com‘s official astrologers for over a decade.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

Aquarius Monthly Horoscope

#aquarius astrology

[swimmingwolf59]

Kids in the Park

(A/N)  Warnings for this chapter - there's some pretty heavy descriptions and references to Adam's abuse, so please be aware of this and your own limits as you proceed/decide not to proceed!! ;w;

For Adam Parrish, some days are better than others.

It’s rare for him to have a truly good day, but they aren’t all truly horrible either. Some nights his father comes home, drunk off his ass, but for once in no mood to throw things at him. Those are the nights where he only gets verbal insults, which are arguably worse because the words stick with him, but at least he doesn’t have any markings on his skin to hide. The best days are the ones when Adam manages to escape to his room before his father comes home, and he can use studying as an excuse to stay there, or the nights when he works so late he comes home after his father has gone to bed. He’s had a week long streak of those nights, and for a moment his life seems okay. Not good, but tolerable.

So of course today his shitty life had to throw him a curveball.

Everything had gone wrong. He’d woken up that morning to his father and mother arguing about something, and when he’d tried to sneak out for school his father had thrown beer bottles at his head until one connected with a resounding crash against his temple. He’d blacked out for a moment, and when he’d woken up again it was to his father kicking him in the ribs, yanking at his arms, slapping at his face. Robert called him useless and a coward and told him to man up, but Adam just curled into himself, minimizing the surface area open to damage, and waited for it to end.

When it finally did, he’d gotten out as quickly as he could, sprinting for his bike and pedaling away down the road. He wasn’t going to school—he couldn’t with how horrible his face and body probably looked right now—so he rode to the only place he knew where no one would see him.

Now he sits at a picnic table in the small park near the trailer park, getting started on his essay for English due in two weeks. He loves this place, Cabeswater Park, because no one else seems to realize it exists. He’s often alone, save for the few parents that bring their children, so there’s no one to pity him or see his bruises. It’s his sanction, and he always comes here when things are bad at home or he just needs to focus on studying.

It’s the closest place he has to a real home.

Finding it hard to focus today, even at Cabeswater, Adam shoves his notebook and books back into his bag and trudges over to the swing set. He sits down on a swing and starts pushing himself lazily, a nice breeze brushing his cheeks as he sways. Adam’s built up a rather large resistance to pain, but today seems to hurt worse than usual. He stares blankly down at his arms. He’s dealt with bruises all his life, but he hates this kind especially – the kind that show his father’s fingers, the kind that are less easily explained by saying he fell down the stairs. These are the bruises that give him those looks of pity he hates so much and all of the gentle questions from the counselors if things are alright at home. Of course they’re not, as today showed; besides the time he lost his hearing in his left ear, he doesn’t ever remember blacking out before.

Startling, Adam reaches a hand to feel at his temple. It hurts to touch and he winces, pulling his fingers back to inspect them. They come back clean, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t dried blood caking the spot. He should’ve checked before he left, he has no idea what the state of his face is right now, but he’d been so desperate to get out of there he’d forgotten.

Thank goodness no one else is in the park.

As if to specifically deny him that relief, the sudden sharp cries of young children screeching with laughter jolts Adam out of his thoughts. Startled, Adam turns wide-eyed to stare at the playground, wondering how he could’ve missed a bunch of people coming into the park. What he sees makes him wonder if maybe the blow to his temple had given him brain damage, because he absolutely cannot process the image before him. He blinks several times, just to make sure he isn’t seeing things.

But no matter how he blinks and pinches himself, the image stays the same: Ronan Lynch, notorious for underage drinking, swearing loudly, and street racing, is sitting on one end of the seesaw with a pile of young children heaped on the other, trying to budge him to no avail.

Adam gapes. For a moment he just watches silently in disbelief as Ronan actually laughs before standing up to make it seem like the seesaw lifted him by the strength of the children.

“I’m no match for you guys!” he even hears Ronan saying. “I sure hope I never have to face any of you in a wrestling match.”

That of course sends them all charging at him. There are at least five kids in the stampede, so Adam isn’t even sure it’s faked when Ronan falls to the ground. The rest of his act definitely is, though, as he dramatically puts a hand to his forehead and pretends to swoon. “Oh please, somebody! Somebody help me!!”

The kids are roaring with laughter, and Ronan is wearing the softest smile Adam has ever seen on anybody, let alone wannabe gangster Ronan Lynch; it sends Adam completely reeling. As the pile of kids on top of him grows, Ronan throws his head back against the ground, keeping up his charade of utter defeat. His head is bent back just enough that, too late, Adam realizes that he’s in his line of vision. Before he can move, however, their eyes meet.

Ronan sits up so quickly it’s like he’s been shocked. The kids fall in a heap at his feet but quickly jump on him again, obviously thinking it’s part of the game. Ronan isn’t paying attention to them anymore, however, and Adam tries not to flinch at the look of pure anger on his face. “What the hell are you doing here?!”

Adam thinks this is a weird question to ask, considering that Lynch is the one with a small blonde girl with a skull cap pulled down to her ears hanging over his shoulders giggling. However, it all clicks into place when he realizes the other boy isn’t angry at all – he’s embarrassed. Embarrassed at being caught as the big softy he apparently is. Biting back a grin, Adam raises an eyebrow in challenge. “Swinging, obviously. What are you doing here?”

Ronan glares, like the question offends him. Maybe it does. “Babysitting. Obviously.”

“I never would’ve pegged you as the kind of guy who enjoys being around small children.” Ronan’s face scrunches together in what looks like confusion. Adam rolls his eyes. “We go to school together. You know, at Aglionby?”

“I know who you are, Adam Parrish,” Ronan says back, and the fact that he actually knows his name surprises Adam so much he almost falls off the swing. “And I never would’ve pegged you as the kind of guy who judges a book by its cover.”

The accusation stings a little bit, but Adam refuses to back down. He can hardly be blamed for being surprised that Ronan Lynch of all people has such a soft side. “I just thought you hated everything except cars, is all.”

Ronan nods for a second, like that’s at all reasonable, before he turns his torso around so Adam can see the face of the blonde girl on his shoulders and squishes her cheeks. “How could you hate a face like this?”

The comment is so surprising that it makes Adam laugh, a short but embarrassingly loud bark that he immediately cuts short. Ronan’s staring at him with wide eyes, which only makes him more embarrassed. He’s about to look away, but suddenly the girl is pulling on Ronan’s ear, making the other boy flinch back. “Ow! What the hell, Opal?”

“Kerah, who’s the pretty boy?” Opal, apparently, whispers into Ronan’s ear, talking so loudly that Adam can hear her anyway.

Ronan smirks, like it’s an inside joke, before cupping a hand around her ear to whisper back, also loud enough for Adam to hear. “That’s Adam Parrish, Aglionby’s very own pretty boy.”

Adam snorts at that, but he’s blushing. No one actually thinks of him that way…right? Especially not someone as sharp and angry as Ronan. He has to just be going along with Opal.

“Can I swing with Adam?” Opal asks, almost shyly.

Ronan pauses for a moment before nodding and fondly pulling her skullcap over her eyes. He then stands and tosses her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, making the girl squeal happily as she pounds on his back with her tiny fists. The other children are clinging onto his legs, forcing him to walk with over-exaggerated steps as he makes his way over to the swing set. Adam can’t help but chuckle at the sight – he wishes he had a phone, just to take a photo. Ronan’s reputation would be ruined forever.

“Wipe that smirk off your face, Parrish,” Ronan snaps, but even that sounds impossibly fond as he carefully sets Opal in the swing next to Adam. Adam doesn’t get the chance to roll his eyes at him before the other kids start tugging on Ronan’s shirt, begging to also be put into the swings.

While Ronan is distracted helping them all up into their own swings, Adam leans down and stretches his hand out to Opal. “I know Ronan already introduced us, but I’m Adam. You’re Opal?”

She nods before shyly putting her tiny hand in his. She seems impossibly fragile as they shake hands, and Adam wonders with a pang of sadness if his parents had ever wondered at how tiny he once was. Probably not – they must have known he wasn’t fragile from how often they tried to break him.

Shaking the negative thoughts from his mind, Adam offers a small smile for Opal. “Do you want me to push you?”

A wide grin slowly stretches onto her face, making her seem wild and free and happy. Adam feels an ache of affection for her in his chest suddenly, and he’s all too eager to hop out of his seat and slowly push Opal up into the air. She lets out little cries of delight as he pushes her, Ronan soon coming over to place another kid—Noah, Adam learns—into the swing Adam had previously been occupying.

For a while they say nothing, just focusing on rotating between the five kids and pushing them into the sky. Adam sneaks glances at Ronan, just to catch him in that incredibly soft expression again, and every time it makes his heart race to find Ronan staring back. This feels like such a special moment, to be allowed to witness Ronan in such a private setting.

“Does anyone else know you do this?” Adam asks, because he has to know. He irrationally wants to be the only person who knows that Ronan can be this caring and gentle.

Ronan purses his lips. “Just my asshole of a brother, Declan. He’s the one who forced me into this job; at first I didn’t want to do it, but…” He stares fondly down at young Noah, who’s smiling and laughing and babbling excitedly to Opal about the possibility of ghosts living in his house. “Well, I guess I got used to it.”

“I’d say it’s a little bit more than ‘getting used to it’,” Adam snorts, and he laughs when Ronan immaturely sticks his tongue out at him.

They swing the kids in silence for a little while, the tranquil quiet soothing for Adam. Silence is always a rarity back at home, and he’s grateful for the quiet now. He doesn’t know how much more he can take of Ronan’s soft smiles and free laughs.

While he’s spacing out, Opal apparently decides she’s getting bored with the same old swinging motion. Wiggling in her seat, Opal tips her head back to beam at Adam. “Push me higher, Adam! I’m going to try and jump off!”

Adam has already set into the pushing motion before he registers what it was that Opal actually said. By the time he does realize it’s too late to stop himself as he pushes her once again. As a reflex, he stretches an arm out for her, suddenly terrified. Ronan will get in big trouble if a kid gets injured under his watch, even if it’s Adam’s fault. “Wait, Opal—!”

But she doesn’t listen to him, and he doesn’t reach her in time before she hops off the swing in midflight. Adam turns away with a flinch, unable to watch, but when he hears the loud thud of her landing he realizes she’s still laughing. Peeling an eye open, he sees that she’s totally fine, having landed on her feet. She runs towards him, her eyes wild with excitement. “Again, Adam, again!!”

Ronan barks out a laugh at Adam’s dumbfounded expression. “Kids are hella resistant, Parrish – I swear they were made to be pushed off playgrounds and swings.”

Adam feels ridiculous – of course. He should’ve known that. He had survived so much as a kid; there was no way Opal would’ve gotten seriously wounded from just that jump. He doesn’t know why he’d been so afraid. Perhaps he was scared of the idea of what it would mean if he’d unknowingly injured a child.

He hears Ronan suck in a breath suddenly and panic strikes him all over again. Perhaps Opal’s injured after all and it had just escaped their notice until she got closer. When he turns to Ronan, however, the boy’s dark gaze is on Adam, not Opal. He realizes too late that Ronan’s staring at his arm that’s still stupidly stretched out in front of him. He quickly drops it to his side and rolls his sleeves down, ashamed and embarrassed. For a moment he’s worried Ronan is going to ask the dreaded questions—is everything alright at home, Adam? Is someone hurting you, Adam?—but what he actually says surprises him, “…It’s chill if you don’t want to talk about it, God knows Dick asks me about every goddamn thing I’ve ever not wanted to talk about, but for what it’s worth I usually take the brats here on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We’ll be here almost all day.”

Adam can’t even believe he’s suggesting what he is. Usually people just ignore his bruises or stare at him with pity and yet refuse to offer any kind of help. Ronan doesn’t give him any of that. He just gives him an opportunity, a chance for some kind of relief if Adam chooses to accept it. He doesn’t even feel like there’s pressure to accept it…it’s just there. It’s more than anyone has ever given Adam before, and he doesn’t know how to handle it.

Eventually he manages to stammer out, “I…I like coming here to study, so…maybe I’ll see you guys.” It’s the best he can offer right now, and to his relief Ronan seems to understand.

They fall into an awkward silence for a moment, neither of them looking at each other. Adam dutifully pushes Opal in the swing so she can jump off again as he wonders what he should say now. He’s irritated that his bruises or his father always have to ruin everything good in his life.

He’s so deep in his thoughts that it startles him badly when Ronan suddenly slaps his own cheeks roughly. Adam just stares at him, dumbfounded, as Ronan turns to stare at him. His eyes are far too bright.

“You know what, fuck it – I’m not babysitting tomorrow, if you’re free,” Ronan says harshly, all in one breath. Adam’s still gaping at him in shock; he’s not sure he’s hearing him correctly, even though his right ear is turned Ronan’s way. “We could go get Nino’s…or something.”

“Are you asking me on a date?” he blurts stupidly, because he can’t comprehend that Ronan Lynch, raven boy Ronan Lynch, wants to take trailer trash Adam Parrish out for pizza.

Ronan looks embarrassed and a little sulky as he kicks at the woodchips and absentmindedly runs his hands through Noah’s blonde hair. “Geez, and here I thought I was being obvious…”

Adam suddenly can’t take it anymore—how can this boy be so impossibly cute—and leans over and kisses him. Ronan seems so surprised that he can’t even respond, so the kiss is brief, but just that winds Adam and he feels like he could run a marathon. “Ronan Lynch, I would love to go get Nino’s or something.”

Ronan still seems like he’s in a state of shock, but slowly a grin grows on his face. It’s embarrassed and shy and unbelievably happy and Adam blushes just looking at it. If someone had told him that morning that he’d be witnessing Ronan smile like the world is off his back for once, he would’ve told them they were a liar. As it is, Adam burns with a desire to make sure Ronan will always be able to smile like that.

Slowly, like he’s not sure he can, Ronan reaches out to grasp Adam’s hand. He brings his hand to his mouth, hesitating for a moment before leaving gentle kisses on every knuckle. Adam’s breath leaves him abruptly when Ronan looks up at him, wonder in his eyes. “…Am I fucking dreaming?”

“Watch your fucking language!” Opal squeaks, startling the both of them. She so obviously picked it up from Ronan that Adam tips his head back and laughs so loudly his lungs hurt.

When he looks at Ronan, Ronan is grinning and looking back, just like he always has been. Adam kisses him again, which Ronan responds to this time, and murmurs against his lips, “I don’t know about you, but I’m absolutely wide awake.”

#pynchweek17 #pynchweek #pynch #day 3 #what are you doing here? #am I dreaming? #adam parrish #ronan lynch #opal #soft ronan #babysitter ronan #implied/referenced domestic violence #brief scene of domestic violence #my writing

[sir-hicks-a-lot]

The Definite Top Ten Albums of 2016

10. FaltyDL - Heaven is for Quitters

The latest from FaltyDL aka Andrew Lustman is decidedly less experimental than his last couple of albums, forgoing the more repetitive loops and complicated drum patterns in favor of straight ahead and melodic synthscapes.  He even gives smokey vocal downtempo a stab on "Drugs" with singer Rosie Lowe bringing to mind Little Dragon.  He can still create densely abstract beats as he does on "Whisper Diving", but even when he drops a short saxophone loop on "Bridge Spot", it fades away before becoming abrasive.  Elsewhere he rides the oh-so late '80s Touchstone Pictures logo theme throughout "Future Shock" and it's one of the most awesomely obscure samples in recent memory.

9. William Tyler - Modern Country

I don't know if the title Modern Country is supposed to be a cheeky rejoinder to what passes for country music today, or if it is a sincere statement of what Tyler believes these instrumental compositions to represent.  To me, it's solidly in the alt country vein of bands like Wilco and Megafaun, which is no surprise as members of both bands appear here.  At other times, these pastoral soundtracks even conjure images of the acoustic excursions of Led Zeppelin III or Mark Knopfler's fingerpicking style.  Regardless of the proper categorization, the folky jams on Modern Country are evocative of American landscape contours and make for a listen that can either engage directly or set the background mood.  And the clear highlight of "Gone Clear" shows off Tyler's ability to piece together a multi-part epic that even throws in a classical section and perhaps points the way forward for the next go around.

8. Ray LaMontagne - Ouroboros

Ray LaMontagne teamed up with the guys from My Morning Jacket for Ouroboros and it makes for a spectacularly psychedelic twist on LaMontagne's usual singer/songwriter fare.  The songs are particularly well written and Jim James’ production makes a great match for the spacey themes, creating an all around strong effort.   I think there may be some overarching concept album going on as well, but honestly the songs themselves and the expansive production are enough to warrant and reward repeated listens.    

7. Bob Weir - Blue Mountain

My relationship with the Grateful Dead is complicated, for a long time I was a "hater" and to be honest a lot that stemmed from the on-stage histrionics of Bob Weir and his propensity for cowboy songs.  So it's pretty ironic that in the year 2016 an album of what are essentially cowboy songs by Weir makes my list.  I suppose as we get older our tastes change, but I think it's more than that in this case.  Blue Mountain feels like Weir making a bid for a late career statement, in much the same way Dylan did on Time Out of Mind and several times since.  And in that respect, it is a remarkable success, these songs build upon the Americana thread that weaves through the Dead's music and even adds a retro-indie rock sensibility via collaboration with younger artists like Josh Ritter and The National's Josh Kaufman.  Well done Weir, consider your legacy secured.  

6. Bibio - A Mineral Love 

It seems that sometimes albums released earlier in the year get forgotten during the end of the year wrap ups and perhaps that's the case with Bibio's latest that came out last April.  For me it was the soundtrack to summer and the sunny compositions on A Mineral Love were the perfect complement to a mid-afternoon drive or evening cookout.  Bibio strays even further from his IDM roots with a theme of old school funk and even leaning toward jazz fusion at times.  Then there's the straight up 80s style R&B workout "Why So Serious?", which wouldn't be out of place on a Debarge album. The message hits home, don't worry if it's cool or not, just enjoy the good times while you can.

5. Childish Gambino - Awaken, My Love!

I don't think anybody could have predicted that actor turned nerdy rapper Donald Glover would drop the funk explosion that is Awaken, My Love!  All across America you can hear confused listeners asking, "Wait, is Troy from Community the next Prince?"  A complete throwback to the halcyon days of funk and soul that recalls Parliament Funkadelic, Sly and the Family Stone and the aforementioned Purple One, there is no rapping to be found here.  Instead, it's a blast of psychedelic goodness and exuberance as Glover truly lets his freak flag fly in what is essentially a treatise on pursuing love in all its forms.  Such a pleasant surprise of an album is proof you can find fun in the most unexpected of places.  

4. Tycho – Epoch

Scott Hansen aka Tycho has been one of the elite downtempo beat makers since he released the now classic Dive back in 2011.  Even then, there were some acoustic flourishes of guitar and other live instrumentation, but on his latest he has made the bold move of injecting the tropes of rock, more specifically the moody dynamics of postrock, more than ever before into his previously mostly electronic music.  Clearly the influence of Hansen touring with a band for the last five years heavily influences the proceedings as it feels like the work of musicians playing together live.  Taking a more organic approach pays off well, adding new life, heft and even a little menace at times to balance the airy environments of Epoch.

3. A Tribe Called Quest – We Got It From Here. . . Thank You 4 Your Service

Another shocker, the members of Tribe Called Quest recorded this largely in secret and during the final days of Phife Dawg who passed this last March.  After his untimely death, the first Tribe Called Quest in 18 years seemed like an impossibility, and yet here it is.  Not only did Tribe unleash this sneak attack on the world, but even more astounding, it stands as their best work since their monumental and genre defining first three albums in the early '90s.  Going out with a bang and packed with guest spots from longtime collaborators like Busta Rhymes, relatively new faces like Kenderick Lamar and even throwing a couple curveballs with Elton John on the Benny and Jets invoking "Wall of Sound" and Jack White’s blues inflected guitar showing up multiple times.  And although We Got It absolutely stands as a tribute to the memory of Phife, it is also a statement of protest in the face of frayed race relations, xenophobia and a prescient antidote to the coming dark ages of Trumpdom.  Tribe has long been the conscience of hip hop as well as one of its most creative purveyors of beats and rhymes. In the year 2016, we needed their return, however brief it may be, more than ever.

2. David Bowie – Blackstar

What more can be said of David Bowie that has not already been written?  He was truly a singular talent, a force in the world that we perhaps took for granted and just assumed would always be with us.  His absence has left a hole in the fabric of spacetime that cannot be filled.  His mode of expression and innovative spirit was so unique, that the mere thought of another arriving to take his place is preposterous.  It’s fitting then, that his farewell was like none other.  Dropping Blackstar on us like a bomb, it is an emphatic statement that Bowie was artistically vital right up to his last day on this earth.  It’s almost as if his years of inactivity and somewhat underwhelming albums before 2013’s The Next Day were all part of a long game to make his swan song all the more dramatically brilliant.  Blackstar is a dark, dense and unflinching examination of mortality and yet somehow is still hopeful.  Yes, it’s an album that directly addresses the death of its creator, but it transforms that death into a new birth and beginning.  Bowie was already immortal decades ago, by turning his last days into art, he stunned us once again.

1. Radiohead – A Moon Shaped Pool

Sometimes the universe just lines up in ways that provide the undeniable evidence of a pattern underneath everything.  Even though it’s always there, we are lucky to only get a few brief glimpses of the hidden structures that connect us and affect the events of our lives.  In 2016, I endured the most challenging ordeal of my life in the form of triple bypass surgery and the subsequent recovery.  Getting home from the hospital should have been an occasion for celebration, as it was all I could think about during the longest nine days imaginable, most of which I spent confined to a hospital bed.  Instead, I found the reality of the remainder of my existence waiting for me outside the hospital walls.  A new normal of medications and limitations, many of which were temporary, but others which I would carry permanently.  Mental scars in addition to the physical ones that I now bore.  It was in this moment that I received a gift, a new work from a band I have loved for almost 20 years now, since the landmark OK Computer exploded the conventions of rock n' roll itself.  The day after I came home from the hospital, the universe reached out to me and gave me this album, perhaps Radiohead’s most emotional, and one in which lead singer Thom Yorke sublimated his own struggles with a divorce into music with a level of artistry that few can achieve.  It was a message personally to me, and yet also designed for anyone else receptive to it.  To say it helped me through those difficult days is an understatement.  It truly was a lifeline, sustaining me and giving me the strength to keep persevering in the face of extreme distress.  The gift of A Moon Shape Pool can be summed up in the parting line of its final song, “Don’t leave, don’t leave”.  To which I can only respond by saying, I am still here and thank you.

[gokoulane]

A quick recap from the last blog posts (post 1, post 2, post 3) in this trek series. We kick-started our journey from Chennai and landed on Dehra Dun via a flight. From there, we hired a cab to reach Rishikesh, our base camp. Then, we traveled to Joshimath by bus and trekked to Ghangaria from Govindghat. From Ghangaria, we hiked the most beautiful Valley of Flowers and the divine Gurudwara Shri Hemkund Sahib.

Day 5: 1st August 2019

As usual, we woke up early and was all set and packed by 7.30 am to commence our descent back to Govindghat. I decided no to repeat my mistake, so along with others, I dropped my backpack to the Mule Guy, hoping he would safely transport it to our bus stationed at Govindghat. I decided to trek down on foot, whereas Buddy, Nigi, Govi, and Thiyaga had another plan, to fly by Helicopter.

Luckily, I got the company of the super-fast Himakar and Kavya for this leg of the journey. We oddly stopped anywhere in between, except for some lemonade on the way. It was a fun and easy downhill trek. In fact, we even waved at the chopper that our guys flew, I wonder if they had noticed it. It was just around 10.30 when we reached Pulna. Again, I was determined not to repeat my mistakes. So, we took a shared cab back to Govindghat instead of trekking down the motorable road. We were a little tired and super hungry as we reached Govindghat around 11 am. Again it was a Gurudwara to the rescue. We had a heavenly Langar before returning back to our bus. It took around 3 pm for the rest of the folks to return to the bus and head to our next camp. In the meantime, we whiled away the time chitchatting and catching up with some sleep. After an hour and a half drive on the thrilling mountainous roads, we reached our next camp, YHAI Badrinath.

Langar @ Gurudwara

Hands down, it was possibly the poshest camp that we have stayed in all our 3 treks with YHAI. As usual, we were welcomed with some hot tea and Potato Fritters. Badrinath is also home to the most famous Badrinarayan Temple. It’s considered to be one of the Char Dham (“four abodes”), visiting which would help in reach salvation. To our advantage, the temple was just a km from our camp and is open only from April to October. So, after a quick fresh-up, we merrily walked to the temple. This one is definitely one of the unique temples I have ever visited. The front face of the temple looked more like a Buddhist monastery, rather than the typical towered structure. After the temple visit, we roamed around shopping souvenirs for our families. Then, after heading back to the camp, post our dinner, we had some fun time dancing and singing at the common hall. And, that’s how yet another awesome day came to an end.

Day 6: 2nd August 2019

I woke up with all the excitement, cos we would be visiting a place of both geographical and religious importance. The camp had a long-standing tradition that every group visits the camp plants a sapling. So, we planted a couple of plants before starting for the day. A 20 mins drive and a couple of mins of walk bought us to our next destination, a significant one. Around 8 am, we reached Mana, the last village of India. Located 10,500 ft above the sea level and 26 km of the Indo-Tibetan border makes Mana the last inhabited village of India. Quite interestingly, while exiting on the other end of Mana, you would notice a few shops self proclaim themselves to be the last shop/tea shop in India.

From there, we had to trek another 6 km to reach our next spot. The first half of the trail was kind of flat, and the next half was quite steep and challenging. Nevertheless, it was the most scenic route of the whole trek and a bit adventurous too. As we approached, I was awestruck by the view of the magnificent Vasudhara Falls. The scene of the water cascading 145 mt tall mountain cliff and the sound of the water splashing down the rock bed was absolutely breathtaking. Views like these signify how minuscule and weak we humans in front of nature’s forces. We spent almost an hour at the falls enjoying its sheer beauty, before returning. It was already around 2 pm when we reach back to Mana, and we were super hungry. So, we went to “India’s Last Tea And Cofee Corner” and had some Potato Fritters and some Maggi. Then back at the camp, the rest of the day was spent relaxing and chitchatting. Just like the last night, we even had some fun sessions at the common hall. And, that’s how yet another awesome day came to an end.

Day 7: 3rd August 2019

Life is uncertain as much as the mountain weather. We were supposed to start back to our base camp as early as 7 am. But, as it heavily rained the last night, our departure got delayed till 10.45 am due to landslides. The clogged roads and very slow-moving traffic further added to the delayed start, and it was already 1.30 pm when we crossed GovindChat. Again yet another massive landslide after VishnuPrayag caused a heavy traffic jam and delayed us further by an additional couple of hours.

It started getting dark by 7 pm as we crossed the Rudraprayag. And, our driver advised us that it’s not safe to drive on the mountain roads all night, That crashed our hope of reaching Rishikesh by the same day. As advised by YHAI, we reached the town of Srinagar Garhwal around 9.30, where we would be spending the night at a Gurudwara. Again, a Gurudwara to rescue. We were super tired traveling on the bus for a whole day. So, we went and hit our bed straight after having our dinner at a nearby cafe. And, that’s how yet another awesome day came to an end.

Day 8: 4th August 2019

As per our initial itinerary, we should have already been in Mussoorie. But, due to the delays the last day, we haven’t even reached our base camp, Rishikesh yet. Now, expecting the unexpected on the mountain had become a new norm for us. As planned, we departed to Rishikesh as early as 5.30 am. After a quick stop for breakfast around 7, we finally reached our base camp by 9.40 am. Then, we got freshened up, collected our extra luggage, and completed the checkout formalities before finally bidding adieu to the base camp.

By noon we got a cab and headed to our next destination Mussoorie, a hill station located a couple of hours drive from Rishikesh. On arriving, we decided to chuck all our initial plans to visit the famous touristy places. And, unanimously chose to relax and unwind after one hell of an adventurous trek. As soon as we reached our homestay, it started to rain heavily. Damn, yet another curveball to our plans. In the meanwhile waiting for the rain to subside, I took a relaxing hot shower and ate my lunch. Luckily, the rain stopped around 4 pm, and our chances to roam around became as bright as the sun that began showing up. Our first stop was the Lovely Omelet Centre, one of the most famous eateries in Mussoorie. I was super impressed even with their plain omelet and was able to see my friends happy devouring their chili cheese and butter versions.

Next, we took a cab to Landour to taste the food at Char Dukan, one of the oldest eateries and well known to be frequently visited by celebrities. There, we had their famous Bun Omelet, Choco Banana Waffles, and soothing Ginger Lemon Tea.

Then we roamed on the Mall road for a while, just for the food to get digested. Finally, we concluded the outing with a sumptuous dinner at Kal Sang, a Chinese & Tibetan restaurant.

Back at the homestay, we spent the night boozing and playing board games. And, that’s how yet another awesome day came to an end.

Day 9: 5th August 2019

The day started well with a yummy Poha made by the homestay people. Being the last day of this trip, and I felt both homesickness and the anxiety of going back to the routine. It was a kind of hard to describe mixed feelings for me. Around 11.30 am, we took a cab to Dehradun Airport, from where we would be boarding our flights to Chennai via Mumbai.

On the way, we decided to try the Biriyani at the most famous Doon Darbar restaurant. Against my expectation, the not so spicy Biriyani failed to impress me but loved their Special Chicken Changezi.

After a splendid meal, we reached the airport around 2.30 pm and checked in on time for our flight scheduled at 4 pm. Our bad, the flight got delayed due to the bad weather and took off to Mumbai only by 4.55 pm. Again, the bad weather played the villain and made our flight circle the Mumbai skies for a while. Only after landing around 7.30, we realized that our 8 pm connecting flight to Chennai would depart from another terminal. Damn, we took an Auto and rushed to the Terminal 2 and literally ran in the airport to board our flight on time. For a while, it felt like “The Amazing Race” tv reality show. Finally, we landed around 10.30 pm and, there is nothing like the feel of homecoming. But, unfortunately, it wasn’t quite welcoming. It seems, unlike us, our baggage didn’t make it on time to the flight, and we had to wait for another hour to receive them. At that point, all I needed was to get done with this trip and the endless curveballs that it throws at me. Ultimately, we got back our languages just past midnight and headed back to each other’s house after bidding adieu. And, that’s how an awesome trip came to an end.

Right from the bus accident on day 2 to the baggage delay on the very last day, this trip was full of twists and turns, just like those mighty mountains. That’s definitely why this is a Trip To Remember.

The End.

Trip To Remember – The Valley Of Flowers Trek – Part 4 A quick recap from the last blog posts (post 1, post 2, post 3…

#Badrinath #Experience #Flash Back #Food #Friends #gokoulane #gokoulane blog #gokoulane ravi #Inspiration #Mussoorie #nostalgia #Personal #Pictures #thoughts #travel #Trek #Trip #Valley Of Flowers Trek #Vasudhara Falls #YHAI #YHAI Trek #youth hostel association of india

[russellthornton]

Shit Test 101: What It Is and How to Successfully Pass Them All

Don’t know how to react appropriately when you’re confronted with a shit test? Just follow this complete guide and be sure to never fail one again.

Many of you have come across a shit test in some form or another, when navigating your way through a relationship or a date. Chances are you’ve been subjected to one on more than one occasion, without even realizing it’s happening.

If you’ve had a girl react oddly to something you said in response to an off-hand question, you’ve been shit tested.

If she’s gone cold suddenly, for seemingly no reason, and is now ghosting you, you’ve been shit tested.

If she’s changed her demeanor toward you after a lengthy conversation about your dating habits then you, my friend, have been shit tested. And in all those situations, you’ve probably failed.

What is a shit test?

Simply put, a shit test is an easy way for a woman to test what kind of a man you are. It’s a way for them to throw a verbal curveball at you to see how you react, and based on that, she’ll be able to determine how much of a catch you are. [Read: Relationship power plays – What men need to know]

She’s looking to figure out how real you’re being, so she knows whether or not to let her guard down and trust you. Once she knows that you’re not just taking her for a ride, she can be herself and start letting you in.

Nothing is worse than spending weeks getting to know a guy and learning all about him, to then find out that he’s in love with his best friend. Or he doesn’t believe in monogamy. Or *as I once discovered after 3 dates*, he wants to have a threesome with you and his ex.

Don’t take a shit test too seriously. Women are just doing it to see if they can phase you and see how easily flustered you get under pressure. They want to throw you off your game to see if you, and your ego, can handle it. [Read: The mental checklist women use to evaluate men they date]

How can you tell if it’s a shit test?

Shit tests can be broken down into 4 main categories in which you might be tested:

#1 Socially. You’re being tested to see how you fare with your confidence. How well you command a situation, how you interact with your friends, and how resourceful and charismatic you can be in social situations.

#2 Financially. Women want to test how independent you truly are, or see how materialistic you are. Not all women want a man with lots of money, but they also don’t want to support someone full time who doesn’t have their own income. [Read: 10 creepy guys types all girls avoid talking to]

#3 Physically. Looks aren’t everything, but most men’s pride and ego comes from physical appearance. This shit test is a way to see how you perceive yourself physically and how you fare with feats of strength.

#4 Mentally. This is to test not only your intelligence, but your ability to figure out her needs and values. By disrupting your general habits and charm, it shows her how you really tick.

Here’s some examples of typical shit tests, and what kind of a response will help you pass.

EXAMPLE #1: I’m sure you just say that to all the girls.

Wrong answer: No, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not some kind of player, so I think you misunderstood me.

Right answer: Well, I have been practicing that line all day, so let’s hope it worked!

[Read: 15 signs she’s just leading you on and taking you nowhere]

EXAMPLE #2: I bet you didn’t even miss me while I was gone.

Wrong answer: You don’t know that. Of course I missed you – you’re overreacting.

Right answer: What do you mean? I spent hours praying to the shrine I made with photos of you until you got back!

EXAMPLE #3: You’re so weak you probably can’t even lift this heavy box.

Wrong answer: Of course I can. It doesn’t even look that heavy, and I’m pretty strong.

Right answer: I probably shouldn’t. The last time I tried to lift a heavy box, I flexed so hard I accidentally opened a time portal. I don’t want NASA calling again.

Make sure to keep your responses light-hearted, and don’t lash out defensively because it never ends well. If you’re able to twist the focus of the conversation away from negativity, you have a higher chance of passing the test. [Read: Ready to charm? How to be witty and win anyone over]

Methods for passing a shit test

Here are some of the best ways to pass a shit test with ease, that’ll have her coming back for more.

#1 Sarcasm is your friend. Fight the urge to get incredibly defensive, and instead get sarcastic. Women love men who can make fun of themselves, so by using sarcasm, you’ll totally throw her off and possibly even be able to make her laugh, which really helps.

#2 Re-frame the conversation. Take control of the conversation by re-framing what she’s saying into a positive point. Once you’ve flipped the shit test on its head, it’ll be difficult for her to re-assert dominance in the situation.

#3 Steer into the skid. The second that she thinks you don’t want to answer a question, or are running scared, she’ll think you have something to hide. Confront the question head on, and answer quickly without flinching if you really want to see her stunned. [Read: How to talk to girls and leave them swooning for more]

#4 Don’t take it personally. Dating can be especially hard for women as, more often than not, women want emotional connection and longevity in a relationship. Because of this, most women don’t have any malice behind the shit tests, so don’t get angered or upset unless you want to fail.

#5 Say it with conviction. If she thinks that she’s shaken you, then you’ve lost, so don’t ramble and give a half-hearted response. Speak confidently, and show her you’re the kind of man who’s not afraid to be thrown a few curveballs. [Read: 22 must-know tips for having more success with women]

#6 Amplify it! Whatever she’s thrown at you, accept it and then amplify it. This is the perfect non-reactionary way to pass a shit test, because if you can turn her question around to seem absurd or like a joke then she has nowhere to go with it.

#7 Don’t accept disrespect. If she’s just being mean or rude, then stand up for yourself and tell her. If you demand respect without being nasty, it’s likely that she’ll be taken aback and will respect you more than if you just looked defeated.

#8 Adapt, don’t react. The second that you appear to have your feathers ruffled is the moment that you fail a shit test. Don’t let your ego get in the way, and just adapt your answers without resorting to petty remarks or bitter jibes – it will definitely pay off.

[Read: 25 little details that make a man really attractive to women]

A shit test is sometimes difficult to maneuver, but hopefully with this guide you’ll be able to spot them quickly, re-frame the situation, and be well on your way to passing them with flying colors.

The post Shit Test 101: What It Is and How to Successfully Pass Them All is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.