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landlordrecords · 1 year

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(My) Film 2022

As posted previously, the last year & a half I have been massively catching up with films (which I far too often neglect), just really trying to get to the point where I’ve seen a much vaster array of the sort of thing I like than I had previously (usually, it’s dox straight to the top of the list - not all of those might be covered below - and TV stuff, often with the missus, plus a smattering of art house & stoopid comedies & action films, plus an increasing line in so-bad-they’re-good ones). As I’ve been sending micro-reviews to a couple of fellow fans on email (Messrs Taylor & Stokoe), & I saw a couple of facebook pals had been listing out their entire year’s viewing (Messrs Fisher & Fishead), I thought it’d be easy enough to copy & paste over my own...not quite their numbers here, but still 185, which is an insane uptick from the few dozen I probably often do! I haven’t bothered with release dates, but have said where they are originals etc. I barely ever re-watch films, so they’re all first viewings unless I’ve said otherwise. With the streaming era, I’ve also started & quickly stopped gawd knows how many others, life isn’t long enough - I never thought I’d see so many title sequences!

The plan is that this period will stop soon, & I will move on to do a similar job on books, but I still probably have something like 100 DVDs, rips & videos here that I’ve never got round to, plus a similar-sized list of ones I want to see but can’t find cheap/free, so...

1. Police Academy, and...

2. Naked Gun (both of which had me laughing like a drain)

3. Casablanca (third time, I think, with the missus this time, still boss)

4. Requiem For A Dream (v good if maybe slightly dated now, seemed to freak out the missus & Kate Hobs good & proper)

5. Prisoners (almost forgotten this now - pretty pro, enjoyed it at the time)

6. Gone Baby Gone (same, similar topic)

7. OG Robocop (another classic I'd never seen - boss)

8. The Ipcress File (pretty darn good)

9. When A Stranger Calls (knew too much about it before I saw it, but v good stuff)

10. Away (Timothy Spall, in Blackpool - really liked this, partly cos of the location)

11. The Brood (very good)

12. The Killing of A Sacred Deer (very good)

13. 9th Gate (a bit silly in places, but I really liked this, good interesting subject matter)

14-19. Started watching all the Batmans since 89, cos I'd never seen any of em...89 one seriously dated now...Batman Returns poss my least fave, all that Danny DeVito stuff...Batman Forever (poss liked this slightly more than other people do, I'm down for the camp), Batman & Robin (the one I was keen to see, on my 'so bad it's good' tip, maybe not quite as excitingly bad as I wanted, but still impressively so)...Batman Begins & The Dark Knight (pretty darn good, although I'm not sure they QUITE deserve the absurd adulation)...stalled there cos missus wants to watch the rest with me...

20. Once Upon A Time In America (classic)

21. Prevenge (not bad)

22. Scum (classic)

23. Secretary (had not QUITE seen all of it before, v good)

24. Kimi (not bad)

25. Paterson (I enjoyed this, although it's a bit inconsequential)

26-27. Hannibal & Red Dragon (I kinda watched these cos I could - one I had seen before - they were alright, not as good as Silence of the Lambs)

28. The new West Side Story (completely pointless but a treat, love the original & all versions of the music)

29-30. Bad Karma & Drillbit (didn't know about this guy before, GREAT!)

31. Life Is Cheap (locally-made, not really distributed properly, John Waters-esque horror)

32. The Violators (I thought this was pretty good)

33. OG Funny Games (classic if uncomfortable)

34. Jaws (classic, can't believe I'd never seen it before)

35. Muriel's Wedding (had seen this before. A fave with the missus. Good soother while I had Covid, as was...)

36-37. Meet the Parents & Meet the Fockers (for the second or third time, I discovered recently that the first is a remake, & I tried to watch the original, but it was too amateurish even for me)

38. Mope (I really enjoyed this)

39. Metal Lords (I think metal fans have been disparaging about this, but I kinda enjoyed it)

40. Punch-Drunk Love (really good)

41-65. Bond season: see Landlord Records, Bond, ALL Bond I'm sure you pretty much have to... (tumblr.com)

66. Mark Cousins Story of Film new bit (the whole "looking but not looking, seeing yet not seeing"-type stuff wears a bit thin, but he does know his oats)

67. Baby Driver (good stuff)

68. Dogtooth (very good, prob better than Sacred Deer for me)

69. Spring Breakers (atmospheric nonsense from Korine, I kinda liked it)

70. Dune (one of the last Lynch ones I hadn't seen - a Lynch fan has to see it, but as incomprehensible - or at least an as overly encyclopaedic translation of the novel - as people always say)

71-72ish. Some Kenneth Anger shorts (top)

73. Some Like It Hot (classic)

74. Taken (enjoyed it for what it was, & also left the whole thing on later in the year on telly, so seen twice this year, must be OK!)

75. Lost Highway (not his best but interesting - thought I’d seen this before but think I’d confused it with something else...edging towards a Lynch retrospective, although I’ve already seen a bunch of them more than once, once I’ve gathered them all together)

76. Faster Pussycat Kill Kill (enjoyable, some ace shots & dialogue - it's a bit ploddy though in places, which is what I find most taxing about a lot of low budget stuff )

77. Ed Wood season (had seen Plan 9 before): Bride of the Monster (dull)

78. Night of the Ghouls (bit better, I thought)

79. Glen Or Glenda (the most wacked-out, although I wasn't super-sold)

80. Jail Bait (enjoyed this most as a straight-up film - I believe the plot came from elsewhere, otherwise you might say it was quite a good one)

81ish. some short Wood bits...

82. Necromania (quite enjoyed this one, one of the - not very arousing - pornos).

83. Non-Wood: Starcrash (ace, loved it)

84. The Big Heat (total classic, if anyone ever again says a film needs to be over an hour & a half long, they're lying)

85. Chopping Mall (enjoyed it - this is the start of my latest 'so bad they're good' season)

86. Dead Heat (LOVED this)

87. Mortal Kombat 2 (enjoyed it, although wouldn't expect anyone else to)

88. Crocodile 2 (good fun)

89. The Happening (a bit misunderstood I think, but still rather silly), pause in 'so bad...' section...

90. Sir Henry At Rawlinson End (a real treat)

91. Bohemian Rhapsody (pretty good)

92. Black Devil Doll From Hell (one of the rare 'so bad they're good' ones where it goes past funny into creating a really odd, unsettling atmosphere - really liked it)

93. Psycho Cop (good fun)

94. Divine Enforcer (loved it)

95. Twisted Pair (not Breen's best tbf...), 'so bad...' section ends.

96. The Trouble With Being Born (v interesting, unsettling stuff)

97. Elegy To The Visitor From The Revolution (the only Diaz one I've managed to get through, cos it's shorter, pretty decent)

98. Parasite (very good)

99. Ricotta (more for Kate than me, I can't really get into Italian new wave stuff, shock horror... s'OK)

100. OG Mad Max (awesome, couldn't believe I'd never seen it...started the second one as well, but either the print wasn’t very good or they chose a very different colour scheme, & I couldn’t get into it half as much)

101. Man Vs Bee (daft, but I did enjoy it)

102. The Magnificent Ambersons (really good)

103. Welcome Home Brother Charles (more 'so bad...' stuff - bonkers)

104. For Y'ur Height Only ('so bad...' - as good as people say, great watch)

105. Malcolm X (solid)

106. Ben & Arthur (one of the 'so bad...' ones I had to restart a coupla times before getting through it, but glad I did in the end, pretty deranged)

107. Sherlock Jr (classic)

108. His Girl Friday (shamefully had to try this twice, but excellent once it gets going)

109. Top Hat (v good)

110. Bringing Up Baby (v good)

111. The Lady Eve (v good)

112. Notorious (Hitchcock - another I had to try again with, incredibly, again very good once it gets going)

113. High Noon (ace)

114. All the President's Men (really good, rated it)

115. The Raid (Indonesian actioner - really good, I thought)

116. OG Last House On the Left (for some reason I thought this was of about the same production standard as I Spit On Yr Grave, but much better, good unsettling stuff)

117. Peeping Tom (classic)

118. Aliens (maybe saw this 30 years ago, rip-snorting)

119. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? (great stuff)

120. Dr Strangelove (probably not quite as funny as at the time, but classic anyway)

121. Topaz (not the best Hitchcock, but I enjoyed it)

122. Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion (very good)

123. Another Year (recentish Mike Leigh - v good)

124. Magnolia (amazingly well done, but didn't touch me quite like it seems to other people)

125. Baise Moi (pretty brutal. Too shoddily done to really sit THAT well with me, but worth a watch)

126. The Bad Seed (50s one Su wanted to watch - a bit overlong for the subject, & seriously dated, but decent)

127. Terminator 2 (barring the long dull bit in the middle - it being some sort of special edition poss not helping - pretty rip-snorting, better than the first)

128. A Nightmare On Elm Street (being a jessie for horror movies, I actually had to turn this off after the first murder when I was still at school & it came on telly! Finally dared to get back to it - STILL pretty creepy in places, particularly that first murder. Very good)

129. Good To Go/Short Fuse (finally located it on Youtube - title change hadn't helped - Art Garfunkel (?!) stars in a mid-80s flick about the Washington DC go-go scene - nowhere near as bad as its rep)

130. BFI season: Dawson City (more about the town than the silent film finds really, which I wasn't expecting, but still some amazing footage & photos. Visually sumptuous)

131. Cabinet of Dr Caligari (didn't get that much more from watching it in full than clips & stills, as it is the sets that are really the star, but still v good)

132. The General (Keaton - tremendous, well worth its rep)

133. Drunken Angel (Kurosawa - not sure why this one isn't talked about more, really good I thought - love the grumpy doctor character)

134. Late Spring (Ozu - I had started this before - really good)

135. Tokyo Story (Ozu - same - I think the reason it is seen as the best of them only really comes down to the last half hour, but it is certainly superlative either way)

136. Seven Samurai (or Seventy Minutes Too Long Samurai - the last hour is boss though - I believe until relatively recently it was mainly available in the west in a significantly shorter cut, & I suspect that was the right cut & responsible for its rep, the build-up is way too long. Classic of course though)

137. A Man Escaped (really really good)

138. Wild Strawberries (really good)

139. Les Mistons (Truffaut - OK, whatever)

140. Rabid (enjoyed, but the step up to The Brood is significant)

141. Berberian Sound Studio (very good, especially enjoyed the knowledgeable experimental music angle)

142. Hitchcock...The Lodger (really good, glad I found a version with a decent soundtrack at last)

143. Downhill (another early Hitch - not at all bad stuff, nicely restored by the BFI)

144. Suspicion (same as everyone says - great but cop-out ending)

145. Documentary on comix artist Mike Diana

146. More Hitchcock... Under Capricorn (I had to sort of half-watch this, it was so long & periody - not really my sort of thing - but I did kinda like it)

147. The Trouble with Harry (once you get used to the style, pretty darn good)

148. Marnie (largely excellent)

149. Frenzy (one of the best of the late Hitch ones)

150. Family Plot (also very entertaining)

151. La Jetee (OK, over-rated)

152-154. Dekalog 1-3 (again, a little over-rated I think, but still great)

155. American Pie 2 (total fluff of course, but I enjoyed it)

156. 3 Identical Strangers (decent doc)

157. My Friend Dahmer (basic but enjoyable)

158-9. Encounters At the End of the World (Herzog Antartica doc - really good, & also, didn't get through all the extras, but amazeballs half hour one of extra underwater footage, with Henry Kaiser doing his noodly guitar all through it, which I almost enjoyed more than the main picture)

160. Amazing Grace (Aretha Franklin gospel concert lost footage - pretty powerful stuff)

161. Analyse This (I'd seen this before & forgot, but enjoyable again the second time, not a classic but good fun)

162. OG Predator (don't know why I'd put this one off - really good, tense stuff)

163. The Passion of Joan of Arc (20s) (maybe not QUITE as good as they say - & slightly too much emphasis put on the close-ups, there's good, more dynamic stuff at the end as well - but still powerful)

164. Ocean's 11 (remake) (another one I don't know why I left til now - greatly enjoyable)

165. Den of Thieves (another heist one - not at all bad)

166-167ish. Aardman stuff (I think the only actual feature I watched was Chicken Run, just watched what I could find free out of the 'classics') (all pretty enjoyable, although I didn't realise they also made so much garbage children's stuff)

168. The House (v silly Will Ferrell thing)

169. Man with A Movie Camera (poss more admirable than incredible at this point, but still a v good watch)

170. Killer Legends (standard doc about urban legends from the Cropsey guy)

171. The Fire Within (another Herzog volcanos doc, some pretty immense footage, stumbled across as part of Storyville on the Beeb)

172-173. The Ride Along movies (more stuff for lunched-out vegetating, entertaining enough)

174. Grey Gardens (doc) (again, maybe not quite as incredible as I'd been led to believe, but enjoyable nutters, & nice to find a half-decent print at last)

175. Click & Collect (v silly BBC xmas thingie)

176. Sad Vacation (Sid & Nancy doc, v similar to another I'd seen - unless it was the same one again, which would be really bad, but I don't think so, a lot of the same interviewees though)

177. Fascism On A Thread (interesting doc on Nazisploitation films)

178-179. Die Hard 2 & 3 (2nd one I poss enjoyed even more than the first, 3rd a little separated from the original concept but still highly enjoyable)

180. Mascots (very good recentish Spinal Tap bloke one)

181. He Walked By Night (really solid police procedural film noir)

182. OG Jurassic Park (rather dated now, but the much-reffed set pieces really terrific)

183. The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (the best of the Aardman, I think - really splendid)

184. First Blood (another I can’t believe it took me this long to get to - ace)

185. CopLand (not at all bad, ace cast)

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infinitelytheheartexpands · 3 years

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Responses from the Opera Screencaps Captioning Quiz

Hello, everyone, and thank you for taking my quiz! I had SO MUCH fun reading your captions-- there were several times I literally started crying from laughing so hard at the amazingness of your work! With that in mind, the captions (which I will continue to add onto as more people take it):

(also, thank you to @dichterfuerstin for translating the German captions I got)

originally taken from: the Wiener Staatsoper’s 2020 production of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s Die Entführung aus dem Serail, featuring Regula Mühlemann (center) as Blonde, Michael Laurenz (right) as Pedrillo, and an unnamed extra (left) as the Grim Reaper

Responses:

(Backstage warm-up) “ok so someone dropped the pulse”

me and my friends watching the fire burn after doing arson

Introducing the polycule to the parents

*boom* ... did...you guys hear that too?

Ma Signor !

Knight in whinging armour gone wrong, look at how he holds the egg. Polyamory with weird knight and death.

the father, son and the holy ghost are very gay

the gays meeting for brunch, 2021, colorized

chicken lady forces death and a very flamboyantly homosexual anthropomorphized pink bird to be parents of her egg (they dont want to be)

That’s just me and my friends on our night out (before covid rip)-- closest

A Good Friday night

good omens (2019)

["the pocket guide to boy/girl/mischief" meme] who's the boy and who's the mischief though????

Papageno and Papagena take their first-born egg trick-or-treating

Angry Birds - The Musical. A pig stole an egg and the bird unites with death to take revenge.

I love my bird wife

Someone got murdered during the funky chicken dance

throuple murders child and steals sibling of said child

When you and your friends have widely different tastes in literature

angel leading twink to his rightful place (hell)

draco malfoy from a very potter musical and a death eater are very much in the wrong show

What have I gotten myself into

Mlm/wlw solidarity but I’m not telling who is who

A woman stands with a pink dipshit with an egg and a reaper.

A bird-couple makes a pact with Death, sacrificing their first-born bird-child in order to bring good luck upon their unborn bird-baby

There are three types of people on Halloween:

Uh oh, I don’t think the mother hen is very happy about this...

oh god, they’ve invented seussical. It’s too early!

gay brunch

Three little maids from school are we

guys maybe if we dress gay enough we can distract everyone from the dead flapper bee in the back

those three killed a duck for her egg and are facing the conswquences.

Duck has egg with human, shocked and upset due to biological impossibility

When you bout to make a banging omelet so you invite your fellow queers

"No mortal man could pass that egg, but heaven shall repair your rectum."

originally taken from: the Salzburg Festival’s 2007 production of Hector Berlioz’s Benvenuto Cellini, featuring Maija Kovalevska (left) as Teresa Balducci, Laurent Naouri (center, in chimney) as Fieramosca, and Burkhard Fritz (right) as Benvenuto Cellini

Responses:

“In this same interlude it doth befall That I, one Snout by name, present a wall; And such a wall, as I would have you think, That had in it a crannied hole or chink, Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisby, Did whisper often very secretly. This loam, this rough-cast and this stone doth show That I am that same wall; the truth is so: And this the cranny is, right and sinister, Through which the fearful lovers are to whisper.” - a midsummer night’s dream, act v scene 1

"ah yes a prime specimen. see here, right in this box is our one of a kind hob goblin that can be all yours for the low low price of your soul"

what, YOU don't have a special eavesdropping chimney window?

Hänsel und Gretel plotting against the witch

man takes a wrong turn and ends up in a chimney, catches his girlfriend cheating-- closest

when you end up third wheeling the straight couple

lady cheats on her leather jacket wearing scummy boyfriend and when he unexpectedly comes home she hides the lover in the chimney

A straight girl and her gay best friend gossip about stuff idk

Idk Shakespeare?

experimental couples therapy feat. the chimney mf from mary poppins

Area Couple Inadvertently Traps Santa-in-Training in Chimney as they Attempt Rooftop Flirting

Landlords laugh over student renter's misfortune

I never asked for this

Ay yo lil mama lemme whisper in your ear

voyeurist listens to sandy and Danny from grease

Psssst! Did you hear about Susan? You won’t believe it!

lady and the tramp meets beauty and the beast?

human trafficking

And for just $30 you too could have your own tiny brick cage!

Psst I’m wearing assless chaps under this dress

A couple tortures a man in a box.

It's all fun and games being stuck in a chimney until your greasy uncle steals your crush from right above you-- okay ngl this could actually be a great Don Pasquale concept

Taking eavesdropping to the next level

Will you two stop being lovey dovey and let me out? SUMMER LOVIN, HAPPENED SO FAST—

overhearing how people talk about you when they think they're alone puts you in the shithouse

Does he know we can see him?

dear god, i am so fucking hungry, yall please just do whatever heterosexuals do so i can go eat a popsicle

the human version of the trash man from sesame street is realizing that those two are going to fuck on his trash can

Tmw you capture an angry short dude and start trashtalking him where he can hear

Omg what if we kissed but we actually kissed the lil goblin man under us

"Remember, don't feed him after midnight"

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Leonardo Estevez (right, on fake horse) as Le Comte d’Oberthal

Responses:

“When I said we needed to drain the swamp I didn’t think there were people actually living there”

horse? what horse? no sir i dont know what horse youre referring to.

definitely don't have a napoleon complex going on

King stole La Scala‘s Lohengrin set

king breaks all his horses, has to use statue dragged by servants as transportation because he’s too kingly too walk

Emperor Söder and his subjects on a carnival procession

man on horse makes a big deal out of being on a horse

That’s not Zeffirelli because the horse is not alive

Who the fuck put a horse on the stage

isn't this that picture of napoleon on the horse

Area Count Thinks Citizens will be Intimidated by his Extremely Fake-looking Horse Statue-- closest

Everyone wants their turn on the giant plaster horse. Police are there to make sure everyone waits their turn.

Night out with the lads

Local royalty horrified at the state of his own damn kingdom

gay army fights different gay aesthetics-- hi author how does it feel to be the funniest fucking person on this quiz

Well at least I LOOK badass

ceasar if he hadn't gotten stabbed (colourised)

some soldiers jumped out of my kindergarten fairytale collection book to burn the don carlos flemish deputies at the stake

It’s just a model

Is that how you feel pulling up in your Honda Civic, Madge?

Someone rides a horse statue in public.

Just a normal party with the bros.

what is this, some kind of crossover episode?

Terribly sorry for all the fuss, it’s just, that is, my horse is afraid of neck ruffles. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he’s—whoaaa there—he said he was a french courtier in a past life and he’s allergic to English fashion

Horse seller, listen to me! I am riding into battle. I need your strongest horse. - We have horses at home. - The horses at home:

All hail Incitatus the king

we are not ripping off shakespeare’s henry viii. what the fuck. this is about lenny xi you uncultured swine, go drown in a pit of your own farts

oh god is that hamilton

Guy Removed From Art Museum For Sitting On Statue, more at eleven

Gay <3

Officer: This horse... is a virgin! Crowd: *cheers*

originally taken from: the Parma Verdi Festival’s 2017 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Stiffelio, featuring Maria Katzarava (left) as Lina and Luciano Ganci (right) as Stiffelio

Responses:

That One kid in class

its a mEntAL BreAkDowN *final countdown but kazoo*

*record scratch* yeah, that's me. you're probably wondering how I got here-- closest

Dad keeps monologuing, teenager is done

left: all of my concerned friends, right: my emo ass having a very public mental breakdown

the demons in the corner of my room when im just trying to sleep

lady gets mansplained to (do i need to say more, we've all been there)

It’s probably an area baritone telling off an area soprano-- sorry; it’s a tenor. soprano is right though.

That was a fake horse in the last photo right?

child comes out as gay to father at a particularly bad time

dissociation solves everything

I can't believe it's not butter

Honey we talked about this

My sleep paralysis demon is Crowley from supernatural

child has nightmare of boring job

When you start dating a singer but he won’t stop practicing at night

just an average day in a hetero marriage

what do i do my wife's having period cramps again

Stop having an existential crisis. It’s time to sing!

“No son of mine will kin Gomez Addams under MY roof”

Crowley stares into space while a teen has post nut clarity.

When he wont stop reciting jordan peterson monologues!!

Do you realize how effed you are?

Ugh, not this lecture again! Dad’s Practicing For His Experimental Indie Band Again

asking your parents for help with your own personal situation and them just ranting off about what they went through instead of helping in any way

Will he shut up already!

no one tell him he’s yelling in the wrong direction, no one tell him plnsbdjddhdj

this kid is tired of his dad listening to rush limbaugh (a man who claimed to be pro life but died anyway)

Me internally vs externally

Daddy issues

originally taken from: the Grand Théâtre de Genève’s 2020 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots, featuring several chorus members

Responses:

It’s the deadly eye Of Poogley-pie. Look away, look away, As you walk by, ‘Cause whoever looks right at it Surely will die. It’s a good thing you didn’t … You did? … Good-bye. - shel Silverstein

why the fuckith? my good sir, i beg of you to put your pants back on

I hate this itchy hat

Titanic Extras hear that they have to do extra hours

people waiting to board the titanic watch someone fall off the plank

pov: you’re a time traveler

guy in the flatcap is embarrassed by patriotism and pathos

No idea. For some reason Le Marseillaise comes to mind

Is this from Harry Potter?

disneyland main street usa workers on strike

local tries to hide behind Newsies cap to avoid unpleasant but inevitable conversations. meanwhile, some very fashionable ladies look on.

"Thank fuck, 2020 was just a dream after all"

“We gather here today because this bitch got exactly what she deserved” “heaven!” “Stfu Stephanie she’s going to hell and we all know it”-- not quite but this basically happens later on in the opera (and act) so yeah (except the person in question very much Did Not Deserve It)

dc movie filter on bridgerton

america?

looks like my history teacher paused the prohibition documentary again

Who still wears page boy hats bro?

Coming out to a room of people who Already Knew That

Bitches are relieved at some party.

Several drunk people exiting getting off the subway attempting to seem sober and rational but realizing they have somehow lost all of their possessions

How tf do I act natural in this situation-- closest

“do you think any of them noticed that I don’t know the pledge of allegiance”

It's too fucking hot outside for this outfit

when hyyh yoonkook ending just hits different

pedestrians watch in horror as the triangle shirtwaist factory burns and the workers throw themselves out of the windows from a dozen stories up

Starting the pledge of allegiance be like

He's having a heart attack oh no oh god oh fuck

originally taken from: if I remember correctly, the Semperoper Dresden’s 2018 semi-staging of Johann Strauss II’s Die Fledermaus, with Jonas Kaufmann as Gabriel von Eisenstein

Responses:

“William Shakespeare wrote: "To thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man" I believe this wise statement best applies to a woman A blonde woman Over the past three years she taught me And showed us all That being true to yourself never goes out of style Ladies and gentlemen Our valedictorian: Elle Woods!” - legally blonde the musical

eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

woooooorrrrd

Finally Jonas has graduated! It’s about time, considering he’s an international star.

what my professors think they look like

Prof. Dr. Dr. When someone tells him there are more than two genders

'and since you've now graduated high school, you'll be entering college etc. blablabla' .........meanwhile, there's a whole row of graduates daring each other to chug the cheap vodka one of them has brought in gallons (yes that happened at my graduation, lol)

Jonas darling baby <3-- can’t argue with that

I just realized I have no idea what the actual fuck happens in an opera

ok this one is just what jonas kaufmann always wears you can't fool me.

"as valedictorian i will share with you the importance of loving the floor"

"Yes, mother, my art degree will make me money!"

Graduation speakers are out, singers are in

Senior year takes a new meaninbg

mansplainer professor explains the concept of feminism to women

Your Prof when you finally turn in that missing assignment be like

younger boris johnson (derogatory)

jonas kaufmann retires from opera and takes up motivational speaking

What a fine graduation evening we’re having today

-70 points for slytherin you all have no swag

A man with a college hat sings.

An obviously greying actor trying to play a university student in a low-budget porn parody

How it feels to graduate high school after being held back for years

East High is a place where teachers encouraged us to break the status quo and define ourselves as we choose. Where a jock can cook up a mean crème brûlée, and a brainiac can break it down on the dance floor-

I may not have been "cool" in high school, but in ten years you will all be working for me!

I finally got my GED!

that one guy in ur intro to cultural anthropology class who mansplains to the professor somehow fucking graduated

he;s just graduating and taking his speech too serously idk

Graduation speeches with that one dude who got held back 3 times

Smrt

originally taken from: the Metropolitan Opera’s 2011 staging of Gioachino Rossini’s Le Comte Ory with Joyce DiDonato (left) as Isolier, Diana Damrau (center) as Countess Adèle, and Juan Diego Florez (right) as Le Comte Ory (disguised as a hermit)

Responses:

There is something very [disturbing grunts] About polyamorous couples - polyamorous, Chris Fleming

jinkies

femme fatale (including to herself)

I’ll have a threesome soon !

Hot guy walks by, everyone swoons.

thirdwheeling friend does not realize the other two are having sex

When your girlfriend had „just two beers“ again

jesus is exasperated about having to drag the two ladies towards doing what he needs them to do instead of purple dramatically declaring suicidal intent over the smallest trivial matters and red being equally dramatic about declaring that it's not the way! stay alive! i love you!!

The throuple is thriving

Get off the milf

orgy

my last three braincells because im a horny slut

countess receives too much love and is confused on how to react

Rasputin's lesser known romp with a much older czarina of russia

Woman's soul leaves body

Jesus and co. are worried after another woman gets pregnant without having sex

bisexual looks at photos of celebrity couples

When you go to the party to socialize with new people but your weirdo friend group starts getting clingy

Jesus cumming

one of those weird church christmas pageants but everybody's drunk

What have I done

Hozier??????????

Jesus assfucks some purple lady being hugged.

This time, the chick IS the magnet

An affair/threesome gone awry (2019 colorized)

What do you mean they canceled GLOW?

“I TOLD you it was cashmere!”

Are you wearing the - - The Gucci dress? Yes I am.

It's not what it looks like!

jesus is fucking that one cheerleader who grew up to be a suburban mom with one (1) super cool dress she stole from her kid who is desperately hugging her middle begging for it back because the spring fling is coming up and jason might actually make eye contact with her for more than three seconds.

jesus and mary magdaline and some other bitch

I’m at a bar and these drunk girls are flirting with me, do I lOOK GAY?!

Shrek 5, jesus's return

c. 2025 First attempt of an Officer and his Wife with a Handmaiden (colourized)

just about all of these are close lol

originally taken from: the Bolshoi Theater’s 1993 staging of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Maid of Orléans, featuring Nina Rautio (left) as Joan of Arc and Vyacheslav Pochapsky (right) as Thibaut d’Arc

Responses:

Don’t look, I’m still pooping

yall, the audacity of this man. he fuckin talked to me

*i can't even tell you how wrong you are* *it would be insulting to ME*-- closest

Cospeto!

„No I’m not talking to you, you keep cracking bad jokes!“ - „But I got another!“

when you’re mad at him but he says he’ll buy you food if you cheer up

When I’m wallowing in self-pity but my friends won’t comfort me

right: wanna fuck ;) left: yeah, fuck OFF lmao

Her face is screaming “don’t tell me what to do”

Yeah I got nothing

gay man tries to hit on a lesbian bc he thinks she's a twink. she's not amused but she's watching this happen anyway

me tired of MET's bullshit and them organising a Netrebko, known blackface apologist, a recital during Black History Month. (sorry im still fucking salty lol)

"stop smiling at me like that I'm trying to pout over here"

"I got fleas, you got fleas... wanna fuck?"

I have the best idea!

Haha nooooo don’t hit me with that bat you’re so sexxyy

lesbian is bothered by dilf

Me trying to flirt

if call me by your name was hetero and set in america

how many more dad jokes can i take before i explode

So. You’ve gotten yourself in a little pickle again.

What if we fought in the Russian revolution together ✨???????... unless??

Two people flirt in a poor place of town/

"If you ask me what I've got under this dirty, shapeless tunic one more time I swear to god I will kick your rotting teeth in"

You look like ur gonna kill me but ok

Really? You again?

Okay, I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes, do you think it’s safe to—oh god, he’s still there.

Have you seen Godot?

she is tired of everyone’s shit. she has done so many derivatives it physically pains her to see a variable. dont test her. ur icarus rn.

idk pick better pictures-- I HAVE DIED THE SHEER AUDACITY AND HUBRIS I LOVE THIS

200% done with your crap

Homeless man has fucking legs of steel n is gonna show off his Russian dance moves

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2019 staging of Paul Dukas’ Ariane et Barbe-bleue, featuring Sophie Koch (right) as Ariane and I don’t remember who the person on the left is rip me

Responses:

The knight who wore this into battle sure was swaggy

dear god its hiddeous

Capitalism

Knight in shining armour gone even more wrong.

ghost contemplates the safety of spiky motorcycle helmet

„Stop! He feels bullied!“

'this is my newest take for jesus's crucifixion crown ...... what do you mean they already put him up'

That’s probably a really expensive magic helmet idk. IDK-- closest

Omg I love the adventure zone!

minesweeper (windows xp)

"Okay whatever you do don't touch the shiny spiky ball" "It's so shiny I wanna touch it"

Taking down the trash way too late

IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM

Darth Vader got stuck in the freezer.... again. Leia isn’t happy

Star Wars 2030

“And here is the very latest in motorcycle helmet trends” “Look, I only came to the mall for a pair of socks “

futuristic kkk

long-suffering jewelry store attendant really wants to retire

Put it down put it down put it down

“Hmm no you should see a doctor about that”

A weird ass crown is presented

The creation of sars-cov-2: an experimental Eurotrance nightclub art piece gone horribly wrong

How it feels to want something that u cant have

AND WE WILL CALL IT—SPIKE MAN actually do you think that’s too obvious?? Because of the—yeah, because of the spikes?? See, that’s what I’m worried about. I want it to be SCARY

I know it's risky but... lube me up

use the force luke.

that is a weird fleshlight

When you get an ugly gift and need to find a way to get rid of it, so your family member/friend offers to smash it

Touch the orb

originally taken from: the Opera Vlaanderen’s 2019 staging of Fromental Halévy’s La Juive, with Nicole Chevalier (left, with bottle) as Princess Eudoxie, Enea Scala (center, under table) as Prince Léopold, and Roy Cornelius Smith (right) as Éléazar

Responses:

When no one comes to your birthday party :(

fantastic, day 487 of mischief and they have yet to find my masterful hiding spot

i really wonder who he thinks he's playing footsie with

Marriage crisis. Reason sits under the table-- closest but not in the way you think (after all, the man under the table IS a tenor).

the last supper afterparty after jesus left

When you order the last supper on wish

espionage at the Politischer Rosenmontag

Probably the wrong opera but is that Leporello under the table

Now THIS is a Good Friday night

this was every birthday party i went to between the ages of 5 and 11

that awkward moment when you drop your fork under the table but when you re-emerge everyone else has left except one drunk lady and the guy trying to deal with her

After the last supper

Tfw you arrive to the dinner party too early and have to hide until a more fashionable hour

When the cishets aren’t home

waiter hides from customers

Nobody: My dog every time I’m eating:

what's left of the homies Jesus had dinner with

university chem lab experiment gone terribly wrong

I’ve been under the table FOR 30 MINUTES

Set your friends up by tossing them off under the table, they’ll think it’s each other n fall in luv

Someone hids under a table

"You're about to see an surreptitious-under-the-table-dick-sucking master at work"

5 yr old me trying to eat the desert under the table without my parents finding out be like:

They never invite me to their parties!

Just another girl’s night in

Oops! Didn’t notice you the table.

dionysus - bts (2019, colorized)

just a normal episode of eric andre (eric is the one under the table)

Just a normal day with the boys

Thievery

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Kate Aldrich (left, surrounded by women in white) as Fidès and John Osborn (center, looking like a Jesus doppelganger) as Jean de Leyde

Responses:

Hold up, is that Eggman above Jesus?

holy disco

Looks like Tannhäuser. Our lord and saviour Richard Wagner. Now I need to be saved from that.

catholicism

me defending pineapple on pizza (THANK YOU)

jesus but hes about to be abducted by the alien ufo above him

Emmmmmmm Heaven? Idk

Lord of the rings?

ewww christianity gross

"behold, I am Important"

"Seriously?? It's not ACTUALLY pyjama day? Fuck you guys!"

Jesus at the Disco

Jesus Finds The Molerat People Who Live Under Bethlehem

disco is heaven

Want to join my new religion?

the kkk

church christmas pageant where everyone's sober but it's based on the director's fever dream

Am I the only one who sees the giant demon? Just me? Okay...

“Oh god I think I’m starting my period”

A party is held with a priest in the middle

"Let's get this secret Vatican sex party rolling!"

The new avengers endgame set is looking great!!

You know, guys, I try not to be a bother but...I can’t help but feel like I missed a dress code memo for this wedding??? It’s cocktail, right??”

Jesus visits Hogwarts

I must really stink if no one will even come close to me

the extra ass funeral i DESERVE

star wars life day

A cult at it’s best-- closest

Shrek 5, Jesus is still there I guess

originally taken from: the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden’s 2013 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Les vêpres siciliennes, featuring Bryan Hymel (left, standing) as Henri, Lianna Haroutounian (center, kneeling in the black gown) as Duchess Hélène, and Erwin Schrott (kneeling to her right) as Jean Procida

Responses:

When the director’s like “great rehearsal guys, just a few notes before I let you go” but it’s already 9:13 and your mom’s waiting in the parking lot

loyalist of subjects

bow before your queen

They forgot to take down the stage boxes after the Vienna opera ball but the show must go on.

somebody forgot to book chairs for this funeral

Me sharing God’s (Hayley koyoko) word on the discord server

mass execution bc the oboe solo sucked ass-- closest

That’s too many black suits I can’t see shit

I can’t even tell what’s going on here

8th grade school assembly about how it's uncool to shit on the walls at school

let's all get fancy so we can go to the opera and sit on the stage (idk this one's hard lol)

"Yes i am a time traveller, now don't freak out"

Tfw you forget to pay your lighting bills

White guys make decisions that will benefit them and screw someone that’s not a white guy over-- OUCH but that is too real (although not really in context here)

dead man gives speech at his own funeral

brotus and the boys ??? last meeting before the stabbing

high society social function ends in mass murder-- right opera, wrong scene

Someone walks into the talent show stage with a dog

Black-dressed bitches worship a man.

Worst school assembly of all time

POV:You're the window in the classroom and someone said "its snowing"

When the conductor shows up fashionably late to the orchestra concert

That's what you get for choosing the cheapest ticket option, get back in the mud where you belong

theyre just trying to jump into a grave at a funeral leabe them alone this is normal

oh my god he really whipped his dick out in front of everyone, this is just like in 1776 guys, except some women are actually in the room this time,

A funeral, stop wearing so much black

I want to slap their bald heads like rice

originally taken from: the Teatro Real Madrid’s 2018 staging of Gaetano Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor, featuring Roberto Tagliavini (right) as Raimondo

Responses:

Crowd “haha!! Looks like someone missed the all-black memo!! Now it’s laugh-in-your-face time! / Guy on the floor (whispering to guy against wall): go, save yourself! I’ll hold them off...”

if i leave now i wont be a witness and can tell the police i had no idea

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Guy in the back pretends to help but is to far away to even know what’s going on.

priest walks in on beginning of an orgy, contemplated joining but is too scared-

when someone brings up capitalism but you’re just trying to play minecraft

lol lets trample this guy while the judge isnt looking

Again. Too many black costumes

Loved this Dostoevsky novel

i would know if opera directors were more creative with clothing choices ngl

me on parties lol

"imma just sneak out of here while everyone else is distracted"

"Where did he get this flooring!? Amazing!"

Everyone act normal!

The tell tale heart but they got REALLY drunk

man tposes to ward off vampires after being caught undercover

boys ???? night

the priest really shouldn't have visited the insane asylum-- closest

He’s FINE everyone’s been hit by a car before

Something happens in a room.

Perks of being a wallflower

There's always that one person in the fight whos trying not to get involved when they really wanna

Oh good, they’re all posing for a Rembrandt painting, I can just sneeeeaaak out the back here...

The gamer livestreaming Resident Evil + everyone watching the stream ? waiting for him to open the door just knowing it will trigger a chase scene

Quick!

the guy t posing in the back is regretting his every decision.-- also accurate

the us senate jumps ted cruz, some other wack ass gop senator is trying to sneak away

...I spoke too soon, however this is a James Bond mission

Queers help fellow queer do math but it's a struggle

#opera #opera tag #results #screencaps #captions #caption #caption this #caption contest #this seems to have gone over well and I am Pleased

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craftypeaceturtle · 4 years

Text

My True Identity

Summary: Thomas has started university. His lessons haven’t started yet but he agreed to help out and do a YouTube channel about the student experience. And like the true student, he’s already having an identity crisis.

Note: Not written to be overly shippy but read either way! This series is a little weird, no idea if it’ll translate well. The idea is just Sanders Sides retold. Feedback would be GREATLY appreciated!

Next Episode!

The kitchen was silent. Thomas was completely engulfed in darkness with only the faint glow from the streetlights outside. The floors were already speckled with dirt and the hob was decorated in fine splatters, he noted already knowing he couldn’t be bothered to clean it. They had only all moved in a week ago! But then again four teenagers trying to live independently would always be messy. He groaned loudly before burying his head in his arms. “Oh woah! Oh, Thomas! What are you doing!” Logan’s voice interrupted the stressed silence.

“Hey...” Thomas muttered back and, without looking, wiggled his laptop mousepad. The screen blasted a harsh blue light against his defeated lump sitting on top of the kitchen stall. Logan paused at the door before actually walking up to him.

“That does not answer my question,” Logan sighed as he leaned against the work surface. Their quest for a glass of water for bed promptly forgotten.

“I have no idea who I even am...”

“Yes. Not many people do. The concept of identity is an ongoing struggle. To expect you to have all the answers at the age of 18 for the rest of your life is ridiculous.” They answered with a quiet smile, their shoulders drooped with tiredness but they already knew they were going to do whatever it takes to Thomas through this, “Why, can I ask, is this bothering you?”

“This stupid YouTube thing I said I’d do,” Thomas actually sat up and explained once he saw Logan’s confusion, “The uni encourages students to creatively express their experience here and essentially promote the university by doing YouTube videos. I thought ‘hey that sounds fun’ and here I am! God, I don’t even know! I thought it’d be a fun idea to do a video about who I am and why I wanted to go to uni. And now I realise I’m not even sure I have a personality.”

“Ah. Well I’d love to help you. That’s a complicated topic when you truly delve into it and well... Believe it or not, I was quite the nerd in school and it’d be fun to help!” Logan smiled and sat themself next to Thomas’ dramatic form.

“I’m sure that’s a surprise to no one,” Thomas muttered, sounding more harsh than he wanted to. But they were both too tired to really mention it. As he untangled himself and actually sat properly, another of his roommates burst through the kitchen door.

“Greetings wonderful citizens and you nerds!” Roman winked as he fingergunned Logan, to their immense confusion.

Despite how open and chatty Roman was, they were all still fairly new to each other and some awkward tension flooded the kitchen as well. Already Thomas felt a little squirmy at Logan helping him but this was so much more embarrassing with the actual stereotypical jock flouncing around the kitchen. Not that Roman was bad or anything! Just... Thomas was a true introvert at heart.

“Hi!” Logan squeaked while Thomas gave a weak salute.

“Now what are we muttering about at 1 in the morning! You’re disturbing my beauty sleep!”

“Oh sorry! We were um... it’s just the YouTube thing again... It’s not important, I’m so sorry!”

“Hey it’s okay! We’re students, what makes you think I was getting any sleep anyway!”

“Well that just seems unhealthy, why would you del-”

“What’s going on kiddos!” Patton smiled with a giggle as he rose up from the other side of the table. Now, Logan and Roman positively shrieked while Thomas totally remained totally calm thank you very much. Patton was the only one that he had properly warmed up to. The kiddo thing got annoying but he knew that Patton didn’t mean it insultingly. He was the first to move in and so the first one to meet him. He immediately helped him unpack and sat with him when his parents finally left. While he wasn’t sure they had any real shared interest, Thomas was already clinging on to Patton.

“I’m just trying to get a video done! It’s just a general about me thing and why I chose uni. I just need to have a sit down with myself, figure myself out and maybe come to a better understanding that we could all learn from,” Thomas said strongly, puffing out his chest with a plastic smile.

“Well maybe they would know you if you’d post YouTube videos more often,” Roman snickered while Patton whooped, Thomas deflated with an embarrassed smile.

“Hey I have posted! I’ve got two videos so far! That’s not bad for something I only started like two weeks ago.”

“Yeah but you’ve been stressing about it for every second of those two weeks. Plus, people don’t watch uni channels for the person. They just want to avoid going to the open days and find out about the campus,” Roman said while Logan frowned.

“Wait, if all you’re looking to answer is general information about yourself then that’s easy! You just start with the basics. Introduce yourself,” Logan prompted.

“Well... I am Thomas Sanders. I go by he/him pronouns and am proudly gay. I’m taking English literature...” He trailed off. Feeling that same sense of dread and nothing slowly grip him again. Great, met these roommates only a week ago and he’s having a breakdown in front of them.

“That’s a promising start! Topics like gender and romance can be a challenge in of themselves to figure out. You could try and answer some light hearted meaningless questions as well. Like... um, something like what’s your greatest fears?” Logan smiled as he twiddled his hands.

“Oh! Rejection!” Roman gasped and clutched his chest while slowly sinking to his knees.

“Spiders!” Patton shuddered.

“I always get nervous about the idea of what exactly is at the bottom of the ocean...”

“Nope! Not doing that! I’m perfectly aware of my greatest fears. I know that’s fun and all, but I want to keep it fairly serious. Like, what are my flaws?” Thomas shrugged them all off, his shoulders tensing again.

Logan now lit up completely. Pulling a notepad from nowhere (his pyjamas?), he flipped to a previous scribbled page and pointed out a checklist with a pen. “Oh we’re talking flaws. Well, I’ve noticed you procrastinate a lot! I mean, it’s only your first week... Lectures haven’t even started and you’re already behind. I mean why else would you be planning a video at one in the morning!” Logan panted as they spoke all in one breath but the determined shine in their eye refused to let them go without saying this.

“Do you just... list all our flaws like that... or...” Roman mumbled.

“You can be pretty selfish with your food...” Patton looked away but his mischievous smile remained firm.

“Really Patton? I’m like 90% sure that milk was expired!” Thomas huffed and threw his head back, his already scruffy hair whipping wildly.

“Didn’t stop you from drinking from it...” Patton muttered again with his hands held out. As if Thomas couldn’t be sucking any more at university, it was only his first week and lessons hadn’t started yet! But here he was with flatmate drama, a breakdown at 1 in the morning and a growingly filthy flat.

“You aren’t very adventurous either...” Roman interrupted before any room mate war was launched. He was hoping to at least get past the month mark before any wars. Not that that was saying much for him.

“Okay, maybe this was a bad idea!” Thomas sighed and slumped back into his ball on top of the kitchen stall. Legs drawn up to his chest and head buried firmly.

At that, all of the roommates froze. The kitchen seemed so much harsher without any of its lights on. If someone had closed the curtains then the only light would be the oven timer that was flashing the wrong time. They could all hear the faint slamming of doors and whoops from students outside. All of which were actually enjoying their fresher’s week and having fun outside. Patton felt a little mean for joking so much with him. Thomas was still a very new friend and he just criticised him when he clearly wasn’t doing good. Roman looked awkwardly around before busying himself by going to make toast while Logan kept fiddling away. Patton wished, not for the first time, that his parents were here.

“Well, everyone has flaws. That’s what makes us human,” Patton smiled, hoping his tone made up for the weak childish message.

“Of course. As long as you’re aware of them and working through them, then I’d even say that flaws are what keeps us improving and doing our best,” Logan happily took over.

“Yeah! Plus, you have a lot of good in you.”

“You value your friends above all else,” Roman butted in. It was awkward, but the eye contact and his gentle tone did a lot. Thomas found himself smiling on instinct.

“You see the good in everyone!” Patton chirped, seemingly bursting from happiness before sending an expecting glance at Logan. Not that they needed it.

“You’re extremely passionate and stick through every project. I mean, look at this YouTube channel. You’ve committed to a project that you understood is difficult. You’re still powering through despite the adversity.”

“Well, that’s very nice, you guys,” Thomas replied, eyeing the clock as it ticked to half past.

Thomas heaved a deep breath. The blank word document no longer seemed as intimidating but he could feel his standards tutting at the weak script he was thinking through. Yeah, this was all good stuff to talk about but how on earth was this going to connect with people. How was this going to even connect to university?

“Oh but you should also talk more about why you are filming for the channel!” Patton squeaked, Thomas uncurled and looked on with a sceptical look, “I’m guessing you want this to be a bit more than an intro video. If you talk about why you’re running the channel then people will understand you and your content a lot better. Like, what positive impact did you hope to inevitably bring with this channel?”

“Woah... Patton that was genuinely deep and exactly what I was lo-”

“Hey! We have the same glasses!” Patton suddenly lurched forward, pointing an accusing finger. Logan blinked sleepily.

“Yep...”

“Okay well,” Thomas cleared his throat, “Being able to put out silly light hearted content into the world is kind of a good start, it makes me really happy to do that!”

“Wait! This is supposed to be happy!” Roman gasped with the bread popping from the toaster soon after. Thomas wilted again under his withering gaze.

“Just because the topic is serious, doesn’t mean the video has to be serious. I think I would’ve liked to watch a light hearted joking channel when I was looking at unis. Identity is a serious topic but I want to joke about it,” Thomas explained to the table, slowly drawing out of the crumbs a smiley face. Roman melted and turned back to his toast.

“That’s easy! You don’t even need answers to make that video then. No one watching your videos knows who they are and if you’re making fun of yourself for not knowing, it shows that it’s kinda okay. Y’know to be unsure and stuff.”

“Self deprecating humour is very popular at the moment,” Logan reported.

“Just as long as you don’t go too far with it! Make sure to keep it light hearted!”

“Yeah...” Thomas had immediately perked up and starting clicking away at the keys.

They all sat there for a couple of minutes. All of them taking pride in how quickly Thomas pulled himself together again. The words quickly filled the screen and Roman finally clicked on the light, despite all of them hissing tiredly.

“See, you’ve got this,” Patton smiled once Thomas took another careful to pause to proof read. “You may not entirely know yourself yet but that’s okay. You know who you are at this moment, even if you just know you’re confused.”

“Yeah, I guess I do know myself better than I think,” Thomas laughed off.

“Right, Tony?” Patton gasped with Roman and Logan whipping round.

“Not my name.” Thomas didn’t flinch.

“Then what is it!” Patton collapsed on top of the table with a gritted guilt expression.

“Thomas! I said it earlier in this conversation!”

“It’s really late!” Patton winced, feeling extra guilty.

“He does have a decent point, at the very least, I am going to sleep. Please try not to make much noise,” Logan waved before disappearing from the kitchen.

Patton joined them shortly after while Roman and Thomas talked quietly. The project also sinking into his mind before he even realised. And now he has to make sure that Thomas even knows about proper lighting and ideal times of the day to record himself! Roman was already stealing his laptop to make amendments to the script while Thomas awkwardly laughed it off.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #character thomas #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #fanfic #My writing #fluffy

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butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker · 6 years

Text

I feel so let down by everyone around me :/

my union dude replies "I'm not really sure about that" every time ive gone to him with something; I've been trying to get him to take on discrimination stuff since September. I now have about 2 weeks to bring a claim, which may not be enough time.

my work have just spent a year on "we can't give you the accommodations you ask for and we've decided not to give you the right workload because discrimination; now let's set goals for you to meet, because your work performance is suffering and you don't seem to be sure of what you're doing", and then having thoroughly wrecked my wellbeing and health, replaced me with a fresh person

My therapists have stopped hiring a receptionist. I've been trying to book an appointment for 3 months now. I leave a message; they don't call back.

The latest stage in my living space is that the dehumidifier off switch has broken; the guys couldn't come and look at it for two weeks; then they announced its not them, it's the people who do the tiling, and we have to remove the unit ourselves and re tile before they can fix the off switch.

This may sound petty, but here's how things stand with my gas: it was accidentally left on by other builders overnight. My neighbours had to call the fire brigade because of the gas build up. I need to replace the door lock. The gas engineer confirmed the boiler was OK but left a bit off by accident. That was in July. Next, I had to replace the kitchen (insurers wouldn't) because it had rotted after the flood (which my insurers took 6 months to come and assess). So we are without cooking facilities for a month. The dude comes to reinstall our hob, and notices that the boiler has been venting exhaust fumes into my home since ??? It'll take him 2 weeks to get the part, and until then no cooking, hot water or heating at all. It's November.

I have a similar story about my bathtub - where 3 successive builders have come in and fixed it, but it continues leaking. Replaced the bathroom floor, planks had just rotted. And my electrics and everything else. For over a year.

I've gone to citizens advice; they've just followed up our early October meeting with advice for handling difficulties at work. I'm no longer employed.

I've done everything to get a local GP or an auto prescription. They can't do it. I have to get a monthly prescription in person from a clinic 90 minutes from home; the kind of prescription that, without which, I can barely get out of bed. Hilarity ensues.

Meanwhile, my parents have decided they now want to sell the house I live in because it's "too much hassle, and wouldn't it be so much nicer to live in {shitty middle of nowhere village} than {the city you have lived in for 10 years, collect books on its history and literature, and literally worship as a god}. And my husband has, one month post marriage, declared he can't stay here either, and his depression is due to this place which. One suspects there's a reason this conversation was so timed.

I just want some part of my life to...stop for a moment. And be kind.

I feel like an article about troubled Milennials; since 2015 its been one thing after another, like that stupid poem about the horse shoe nail, and now I'm at the "one more unexpected, costly crisis and we have nothing" point. It's maddening, and you know, I'm going into work and to my parents and my therapist and saying "here's all the things I am doing!" without anyone recognising that I am trying my best, and I genuinely need the thing I am asking for rather than {this other thing we want to provide}.

And those things are only the things within human control. Flood took out my business, destroyed some expensive equipment, killed my pet. I'm weathering the expense and distress of that as best I can. Injured my hands at work, got dumped from my band; can't play any more. Weathering it as best I can. Partner has given up; doing the best I can.

But something has to give. And I feel so hollowed by it all, and hopeless. A whole year of hope that, while today is bad, the worst will end soon. But now I've got to the end of my work trial period, only for my employers to reveal they've been planning to ditch me since March; and I've gone home, only for everyone around me to decide it's time to leave again.

So, it's just. We're at the "walled up the doors and windows" stage of the Masque of the Red Death, having a party and not thinking about the plague. I hate myself, and the world, and everything in it. There is a distinct absence of cavalry coming.

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alyseofwonderland · 7 years

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I love all the back stories! What about Dick and Lew and later kiddo?

Sure thing (sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this! I was le sick)

Dick’s back story can mostly be summed up by what he already said in the story, and the added comment of “not on my lawn!”. Like Dick decides to run a criminal organization as a relatively young guy because everyone is doing it worse and he wants to show everyone how it’s done.

Him and Lew meet because Dick would Audit college classes (take them without credit) and much like real Dick and Lew there as almost instant attraction.

(If you have not read Dick’s book let me tell you the part where he meets Nix is hilarious because its about 4 pages of just gushing about how great Nix is and everything Dick knows about him.)

So imagine, scruffy but earnestly put together Dick meeting slick but scruffy looking Nix in some like 8 am lecture that Dick is taking FOR FUN. Like image that post from tumblr where a guy pours a red bull into his coffee and just goes “i’m going to fucking die”, that person was Nix. And Dick was just like “what the shit this human is perfect.”

But nothing happens at first besides friendship. They are best friends. Nix takes Dick to all kinds of hob-nobby events as like a “save me from these people!” thing but what it turns into is dick being all “I shall learn how the rich and powerful work so I can one day exploit the system.” Nix finds this extremely attractive.

So we have maybe a decade or so of best friendship. During which time Dick takes in Ron. I think maybe Nix did get married at some point to some poor woman who was effectively ignored until she left his ass.

I like to think that one day Dick turned to Nix and was basically like “I’m going to kiss you now” and Nix is so not prepared. But afterwards he is really upset. “How long did you know? How long have you wanted to do that? why didn’t you do that sooner? I could have saved so much money and time if you did that a decade ago!” Teen Ron walks into the room goes “I’m going out so you can fuck on everything, bye.”

So they dated for a while. And pretty much the day Dick semi-officially retired from what he did was because he found a ring box in Nix’s underwear drawer. Dick has three very smug weeks before Nix cracks and is just like “HOW DO YOU KNOW?!” Dick “I have been running a criminal organization for over a decade and I have never been on a single FBI wanted list.” Nix is just like “Fine! We are still going out to the nice dinner and you are going to let me ask you properly like I planned!”

They get married on Dick’s parents new farm. Smol Ron was their ring bearer. There is exactly ONE photo where Ron doesn’t look slightly green at the prospect of being forced to watch this.

Pretty much before they even have the wedding Dick brings up the fact that he wants kids. Nix thinks he is INSANE. “Isn’t the walking knife store enough?” Nix asks at dinner. Ron throws a knife across the room because he thinks he is hilarious. Nix, who at this point is used to the dramatic nature of both Dick and Ron, just points at Ron like this is all the explanation he needs.

Still, pretty much the exact moment they are married they start filling out adoption paperwork. They get Floyd a few years later. He is maybe 2 when they adopt him. He is a normal small child, likes Dinosaurs and space books, hates bed time and brushing his teeth. Small Floyd has just enough understanding of the world to have some attachment issues when it comes to his dads. Like he does not enjoy sharing them with other people and when they have to leave. Dick is basically a stay at home dad at that point so Floyd glomps on to him pretty hard. Which is where the animosity comes from between Floyd and Ron. When Ron would come over to visit Dick would make a real effort to still pay attention to the man and Floyd was Not Having It™.

By the time the fic happens I put Floyd at about 10 or so. With Dick and Nix having been married for about 11 years. Both of them are in their mid to late 40s.

Hope you enjoyed it!

#mobster and medic au #alyse writes #winnix #richard winters #lewis nixon #floyd talbert #ronald speirs #band of brothers au #Anonymous

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gabessquishytum · 5 months

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There was a story or post I read years ago about two different girls who became pregnant by the same guy around the same time, decided to move in together (I think? They definitely get involved in each other’s lives more than the father) to co-parent the two half-siblings, and the girls ended up in a relationship together. I remembered it recently (I tried to find it again with no success), and immediately thought of t4t dreamling.

Hob discovers that he’s pregnant by his recently ex-boyfriend. He’s pretty pleased and excited to be a dad, though he’s not thrilled to have to inform his ex, who he’d dumped for cheating on him (the relationship wasn’t going anywhere so Hob’s not broken up about it, but it was still a dick move). Still, he feels obligated to reach out and let his ex know, just in case he wants to be involved in their kid’s life beyond just child support.

A few days later, he answers his door to a gorgeous but furious man he doesn’t know (Dream), who immediately launches into accusations of man-stealing and baby-trapping, and how he isn’t going to lose his boyfriend to some gold-digging side piece.

Once Hob is able to get a word in and calm him down (learning that Hob had been dating the guy first, meaning Dream was the side piece, does a lot to take the wind out of his sails), inviting him inside to sit and talk, the whole sad story comes out: Dream is also newly pregnant, by the same guy, and dearly wants to keep the baby. But he really doesn’t have the resources to be a single parent, so even though he’s not really invested in the relationship anymore, when he found out about Hob he panicked that he was going to lose the guy as support and thus have to give up his kid. His parents are transphobic and wouldn’t approve of the baby out of wedlock, so no help there, and while a couple of his siblings would be glad to help, at the moment they’re all financially dependent on their parents and at risk of being cut off if they help him. So if Dream wants to keep his baby, his options are pretty limited.

Something something Hob offers up a room, Dream also dumps the boyfriend and moves in, and they get ready to raise their kids together. It’s a bit of a slow burn to get to know each other (and start to pine for each other) over the course of nine months, but they’re remarkably quick to fall in sync as upcoming parents; they accompany each other to all the doctor appointments, are completely on top of each other’s medication or dietary needs, and an easy topic of conversation for them is the pregnancies or the kids themselves, comparing their ongoing experiences or discussing plans for the future—from the moment Dream moved in there was an unspoken agreement for both of them that they’d be parenting both kids together, essentially as partners, which does funny things to both their hearts once they begin to fall for each other. People who meet them start to assume that they’re a couple pregnant by a surrogate, and as time goes on it starts to feel more and more like the truth, though neither Hob nor Dream really talk about it (idk how involved the ex is, but its definitely seldom in-person enough that everyone often forgets that he had anything to do with the pregnancies)

Robyn and Orpheus are born on the same day, timed absurdly perfectly to allow Hob and Dream to be there for each other without being in active labor—like Hob gives birth in the early morning with Dream holding his hand, has a bit of a breather, then is available to hold Dream’s hand while he gives birth in the late evening. It’s sometime soon after, while they’re still a little high off endorphins and painkillers, that they confess to each other and tearfully kiss as they watch over their newborn sons.

A couple years down the line Robyn and Orpheus are considered the Gadling twins with two dads (the ex is either essentially not in the picture or has somehow managed to settle into the weird uncle role), and Hob and Dream may or may not be considering giving the twins another sibling or two, maybe giving themselves a chance at all that pregnant sex they missed out on the first time (unless we want to make them real dumb and have them providing each other orgasms during their first pregnancies, all in the name of good prenatal care, while they were pining for each other… haha jk… unless? 👀)

-🪽anon

I certainly love the concept on t4t dreamling having simultaneous pregnancies (completely by accident).

Hob is incredibly excited to be a dad. He wishes that he'd picked a better set of genes for his kid, as he's still very angry at his ex. But this is what he's wanted for a very long time. He's excited to do all the pregnancy things and to document all the changes that he's about to go through.

And then Dream turns up. Poor, soggy, wet cat Dream who wants his baby but doesn't feel at all capable of coping alone. Their hormones come together and combine into one big soup, and they spend the evening sitting and intermittently crying, bitching about their mutual ex, and have brief moments of zoomies where they get really excited about being pregnant. They never really talk about it but just mutually decide that Dream is moving in and they're going to do this together.

They have drastically different pregnancies. Poor Dream is so sick. Hob is glad to take care of him, keeping him hydrated and stocked up with anti nausea meds. Somewhere along the line they start crawling into bed together each night to cuddle. And then when cuddling is no long comfortable, they just lay next to each other with their pregnancy pillows.

(Sleeping together also means that they are essentially mutually masturbating next to each other each night. Another thing that they don't talk about, lol.)

When Hob gets hit with big mood swings, Dream is the only person allowed to speak to him. Somehow he can always cheer Hob up with a cup of tea and a back rub. Dream is also the only person in the world who smells good to Hob while he's pregnant. Everyone else is disgusting to him. Hob is never grumpy with Dream. Everyone else runs away when they see him coming though.

They do all the trendy pregnancy things together. Maternity shoot, gender reveal, baby shower. Dream admits that he never thought he'd be able to do any of this and he's just so happy that Hob bothered to organise it all. They have their first kiss at the end of the maternity shoot, right at the very end of both their pregnancies, and mutually agree to talk more when the babies arrive. They're pretty much partners already, but it will be nice to sit down after the stress of labour is out the way, and actually figure out where their relationship stands!

But oops, apparently they can't wait. Somewhere around due date time, they start making out and Hob is gently getting Dream off with his fingers... only to accidently tip him into labour. Seeing Dream deliver Orpheus into the world is enough to set Hob off as well, and Robyn is born just a few hours later. They're both perfect. They look adorable in their cribs side by side, in the nursery that Dream designed so beautifully. Hob could actually burst with pride!

Let's face it, they don't manage to have any sex for a while... recovering from birth, taking care of the twins, and getting back on track with hormone therapy is a lot to juggle. But the pregnancy pillows are out, and they're back to cuddling whenever they have a few moments of peace in bed. Both of them have separately texted their mutual ex and thanked him for his help in facilitating their relationship.

Maybe they'll give him a call in a year or two. When the mutual baby fever sets in, and they decide that pregnant sex is worth it <3

#🪽anon #the sandman #dreamling #nsft #cw pregnancy

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