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soulofapatrick · 1 year

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Five Times Tommy Tries To Kiss You and the One Time he Does -Tommy Miller x Reader

Summary: Literally what the title says

Words: 5.7k

Warnings: little angst; dry humping; teasing; partial nudity; fluff

Notes: Hasn’t been proofread yet. I wanted to try this as ive done it fro teen wolf and really enjoyed it - I can do a Joel one too

Y/N’s POV

First Time:

I know Joel and Tommy are gonna be mad that I snuck out again but Jackson was getting too much. It was too noisy; too many people and the festivities were draining so I had to get out. There’s a small area near the eastern side of town where they’re fixing the walls and I’m able to slip out without being seen or heard which is great. So much easier than having to either climb the wall or slip through the gates unheard. I haven’t been gone long, just needing a few minutes and the snow is blissful. It’s quiet and I can actually hear myself think as I crunch my way up the hill to look down upon the massive power that is Jackson. You can hear the laughter and music from here but it’s muffled by the snow.

I sigh softly, letting myself fall back into the fluffy white paradise and look up at the sky as snowflakes falls. Snow has always been my favourite type of weather as it’s so peaceful, after the snow falls it’s like the world goes quiet and still for once. The cold against my back grounds me as it tries to seep through my jacket and jeans, grounding me and letting me know I’m alive and breathing. It’s strange how only just a mile away from Jackson I can feel the change, the silence and the loneliness. It’s a quick escape from people who have settled inside the safety of the walls of Jackson and begun a life there.

There is definitely a life for me in Jackson but it’s not… I’m not ready for it. Having braved the outside world for years on my own after the outbreak happened means people are a difficult adjustment, having to be suddenly expected to rely on others for things like food and clothes and the lack of need for weapons unless you leave the walls of Jackson. Everyone is so open and kind but it was too much so the first month or so I retreated into my house, refusing to come out even when I ran out of food which meant Joel had to come over with two massive bags of food. He was so stubborn, practically having to force his way inside and I’m glad he did as I’ve found trust and safety with him and Ellie as well as his younger brother - Tommy. Tommy’s always help my attention as he’s gentle and patient with me, not pushing me too far like Joel does sometimes. Joel’s very hands on and pushing when it comes to getting over fears and making me socialise whereas Tommy does it in little bits like inviting me to join him in the Tipsy Bison if he seems me around or letting me join him and whoever he’s partnered with on patrols as he knows I like being out of the walls as well. He’s also always the first person to feel my presence as if we’re drawn towards each other like magnets.

I should have known he’d notice my absence and know exactly where I went but I didn’t think about it really and now he’s standing over me, hands in his pocket and head tilted as he looks down at me. He looks really fucking good right now, the sun catching his eyes and making them a warm cognac colour instead of the darker russet they usually are and I can see more freckles than normal. His dark curls are shiny in the light, a few silver strands visible through them, wearing his jeans that fit his figure perfectly and those stupid cowboy boots I tease him about. He’s probably got his usual denim flannel under his fleece jean jacket and I just know it’s way too baggy for his own good, hiding his perfectly muscular figure underneath. The look on his face is warm, the corners of his plump lips curved up underneath his moustache but he doesn’t speak. He watches me for a moment longer before surprising me and laying in the snow next to me, keeping his eyes to the sky like I was but now I can’t help but watch the way his adams apple bobs when he swallows against the icy wetness below us.

Not really sure what comes over me when I look back up at the sky and put my right hand out between us, his head is moving out the corner of my eyes and my breath hitches when his warm and calloused hand slips into mine. His cognac eyes on my face, studying me, so I speak, “When it snows it gets really quiet because snow actually absorbs sound.” I finally turn my head to meet his gaze, the smile lines visible across his sun kissed skin, “I sometimes wish it would never stop snowing.”

“You have a beautiful mind.” He squeezes my hand and I can’t look away from where we’re joined and how right and easy it feels. His hand fits inside mine so perfectly and I want to want it but I can’t. Tommy doesn’t deserve someone as wrecked as me when he’s such a kind soul who deserves the whole world. It doesn’t mean I won’t take what he’s offering to me despite it being so selfish. He’s looking at me with admiration and an emotion that shouldn’t be directed at me so I’m looking away, feeling my cheeks flushing redder than ever but the cold masks it and it’s as if Tommy can sense my uncomfortableness as he’s speaking again, “We should probably head back before Maria kills us.”

He’s climbing to his feet before taking my hands in his and pulling me up in one swift motion, my chest colliding with his and his face is oh so close to mine, his breath fanning across my lips but I can’t have this… he doesn’t want me, I clear my throat, “We should head back.” Stepping back and reluctantly dropping his hands, beginning trudging back to town while Tommy matches my pace with his hands in his pockets and in silence. I’ve hurt him but I don’t know how…

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Second Time:

The next time I see Tommy is on patrol, we’re partnered together and the uncomfortableness has dissipated and Tommy’s back to cracking shitty jokes. He’s currently telling me about him and Sarah used to gang up on Joel on the rides to school and tell Joel the cringiest jokes and how happy he is that Ellie does it too. It’s made me always look out for any joke books I can find on my patrols as I like hearing him laugh, it’s full and hearty and the way he smiles is to make anyone weak. He was a little bit of a playboy before the outbreak which I can see why, who wouldn’t fall that southern charm that always surrounds him.

We’re headed towards a small cabin not far outside of Jackson where you can sometimes find people trying to hide from the storms that sweep through here. We’ve picked up a few people who are now living happily in Jackson while others don’t trust enough to stay so they take the shelter over night before continuing on and you also get those who have no good intentions. They find this post apocalyptic world freeing as they can steal, abuse and kill without consequences which makes them even more dangerous but I’ve come across my fair share of them and am still here so I’m always willing to take my chances.

Tommy’s ahead of me, chattering happily about something or other as we coax our horses through the freezing weather. His curls are all I can focus on as he moves his head with his words, drawing a blush from me whenever he glances back with that stupidly bright and cheeky smile. I’d be ending the conversation and turning and walking home if we were in Jackson, too embarrassed about the way my heart ached for him but I can’t exactly do that so I just scan the surroundings for anything. Something is making me feel uneasy, the hairs standing up on the back of my neck as we slow the horses to a stop not the far from the cabin just in case someone is in there. Don’t want them to steal the horses and escape before we can help them or for them to leave us stranded with no way back.

I glance at the taller man when we jump down, he feels the uneasiness too from the way he grabs his rifle from off Cash’s saddle. I do the same, grabbing mine from where it’s sat on Indiana’s saddle, soothing my trusty stallion by petting his mane and cooing softly until he stops pacing and stamping leaving us in silence. Tommy’s got a small smile on his face when I turn back to him which I ignore, heading towards the cabin. We crest the hill for the cabin to come into view, my eyes scanning everywhere as it’s a very open area. The cabin is at the bottom of a few mountains and hills meaning it’s an easy place to trap people, hence why Maria sends patrols to check it out, Today is no different, it’s eerily quiet, the door being open, not by much but it’s open and there’s something very wrong. Tommy’s striding down the hill, eyes intently on the cabin door while I scan the surrounding again and when taking a hesitant step forwards I see it. There’s a glint of metal reflecting the sun and it’s aimed right at us and I’m acting on years of survival instinct.

“Look out!” I snap at Tommy, racing forwards to protect him as a bullet whistles past my shoulder and embeds itself into the snow. I collide almost painfully with Tommy’s firm body, both of us tumbling the rest of the way down as the bullets keep flying as we come to a stop with me on top of Tommy. I push myself up onto my knees, finding the sniper and aiming my own rifle at him, taking a deep and steadying breath before firing. The gun flies, metal glinting as it disappears into the snow and I can hear the foot steps approaching from the right. Tommy’s opening his mouth to speak from below me but I slam a hand to his mouth, letting my rifle drop beside him to pull out my pistol instead as it’s much better for close range fights. He’s tilting his head, trying to listen but hearing nothing which I suddenly don’t either. It’s gone quiet, too quiet and I can hear Tommy’s harsh breaths below my hand, feel his whole body thrumming of energy from where I’m straddling his waist and something poking against my ass. Oh my fucking god, he’s -

A glimmer of movement from the corner of my eye erasing every impure thought of Tommy as as I turn my upper body and shoot the hunter with two very well aimed bullets landing and sinking through his chest. He stumbles back before collapsing into the snow, staining the usually pretty colour an ugly red.

It falls silent and all I can focus on is the way Tommy’s large hands are gripping my thighs, cognac eyes a dark russet colour now and I’m removing my hand from his mouth so I slip my pistol back into its holster on my upper thigh. He’s sitting up, our chests pressing together and I can’t help but watch as his tongue darts out to wet his pretty plump lips before his eyes fall to mine. I want to stay here and kiss him senseless but we still have to check out the cabin for anyone and get back on time so Joel doesn’t worry and send out a search party for us so I’m dislodging his hands from my hips and climbing to my feet, an ache growing in my chest with every step away from Tommy.

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Third Time:

Every Wednesday is family meal day according to Ellie so that’s where I finally catch sight of Tommy again. I’ve been avoiding him ever since the incident while on patrol. I don’t want him to get hooked on me or anything as I’m not good for someone as free spirited as Tommy. He deserves someone like Maria as they’re perfect for each other. Maria balancing out Tommy’s energetic-ness and wild thoughts with logic and calmness. They’re like ying and yang and it made me want to hate Maria for having caught such a beautiful person. Then I found out Maria did not indeed have anything going on with Tommy when I found her with another man. He’s a sweet guy, a little hopeless and no where near ready to be introduced to our family meals yet.

Joel and I are usually the ones to cook for this but today Ellie and Dina wanted a go at it. Ellie cannot cook for the life of her, burning everything so we were reluctant but when Ellie told us Dina would be helping we agreed with the condition we can go and check on them every so often. We’re not the hovering type but I don’t think Maria would be very happy if she were to lose a house to a fire and have to rehouse us. So there’s where I currently am, sitting on the counter while Ellie and Dina move about the kitchen in their own rhythm. They’re perfect for each other and I’m happy for Ellie finding her person after everything we’ve gone through the last four years.

“Tommy’s been eyeing you up since he arrived.” Dina suddenly states, the girls glancing at each other with knowing looks when I choke on my drink, “And that means you think the same.”

“Why don’t you tell him you feel the same?” Ellie asks, clover eyes bright and head tilted slightly as she waits for a response.

“Look at me, I am not the type of person he needs.” I’m admitting, shaking my head and downing the rest of the whiskey in my glass. It burns on the way down, trying to choke me but it settles in my bones all warm and loose. I’m jumping down from the counter, wanting to get away from their prying eyes and mutter out a quiet “Tommy doesn’t need me, he needs someone like Maria.” Before leaving the room, not waiting for them to respond.

The Miller brothers are sat discussing something with bright and happy voices as I enter the room, both beaming at me. I make a beeline for Joel, leaning into his side when he wraps his arm around my waist, needing the normalcy so I don’t go into a full panic attack about Tommy and Dina’s comment. Joel’s my safe place, having been with him since the Boston QZ where him and Tess took me under their wings so when I’m feeling like I’m slipping I cling to Joel. The way he squeezes my waist reassuringly lets me know he understands, he know I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and he doesn’t end the conversation with Tommy. The younger Miller’s eyes glued to that spot where Joel’s thumb has slipped under my shirt and is rubbing soothingly against my skin. It has me flushing and Joel’s honey eyes fill with recognition, forcing me into his chair and mumbling something about helping the girls.

Joel’s disappeared to the kitchen to make sure Ellie and Dina aren’t going to burn the house down as they’ve promised to cook dinner for us. Maria and Jesse will be joining us when they get back from their patrols so it’s just me and Tommy sat in the small dining room. He’s nursing a glass of whiskey, swirling it around the glass with a small smile on his lips. He’s stuck deep in his thoughts giving me time to admire just how fucking good he looks right now. His raven hair in soft brushed back curls with a few escaping and falling across his forehead and his sun kissed glows in the January sun streaming through the windows. He’s in a white polo, his usual fleece jean jacket hung up by the door, leaving his arms exposed and I can’t look away from the freckles adoring the bare skin and the small silvered scars catching in the light. He’s broad build, not as broad as Joel, and muscular with well defined abs that have featured in my less than innocent thoughts.

Suddenly, he’s moving and it’s jolting me from my thoughts realising I was staring. The intoxicating mix of vanilla, burnt coffee and sandalwood invades my senses as he settles next to me, knee brushing mine and finger hooking under my chin to make me look at him. I take in the way his adams apple bobs when he swallows and noticing the lack of freckles around his neck. The small goatee and moustache framing his shiny lips perfectly. They’re curving up, smile lines appearing and I can see more of the freckles that are sprinkled across those delicate cheeks, a small crease between his eyebrows and those eyes a warm mixture of cognac and russet. He’s so close, pulling my face forwards and I can smell the whiskey on his breath.

Every fibre in my being is telling me to get up and run away, to stop Tommy before he gets into too much but the clearing of someones throat saves me. I’m jumping up, away from Tommy, seeing Joel in the doorway and blurting out a quick, “I should help the girls.” Before scurrying off without waiting for a reply.

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Fourth Time:

I like spending my time with the horses as they’re predictable animals, meaning I don’t have to keep my guards up. If I’m not with Joel or any of the others I’m found in the stables, taking care of these beautiful creatures. The smell of hay so sweet in air as they snicker and stamp with nothing to do but watch the world go by around them. I even helped Charlotte - the stable manager - birth one of the prettiest foals and it was breathtaking. The fact that I brought life into this world left me with a warm feeling in my chest the rest of the day and nothing could break my joy.

Today is no different. I’ve been with Charlotte all morning in the stables, grooming the horses, helping tack them up for patrols and just passing the time with them. The foal has grown in the last week or so and is as cheeky as ever, jumping around and annoying her mother so. I’ve been left in charge to raise her and I could not be happier, especially when I get to take her and her mother out into the exercise field, sitting on the gates and just watching them prance around. Thinking of a name is difficult as the only good name I’ve come up with is Indiana which is my own dapple grey Irish Hunter who is currently throwing a tantrum in his stable as I haven’t been giving him half the attention I’m giving the foal. He’s a needy thing but I wouldn’t change him for the world, even when he’s being a spoiled brat.

‘What to name you sweet thing,” I rub the foals nose softly as she nuzzles at me, baby teeth nipping at my trousers where I have a few sugar cubes hidden, “You got a smart nose on you.”

“How about sugar?” That southern drawl appears to my right as I feed her a sugar cube and I’m snorting before turning my head to the side. Tommy’s grinning when I give him a look that says ‘are you serious?’, “How about Bella? Or Bailey? Or Spirit?” I smack his arm lightly at the way he says spirit sarcastically, listing all of the most cliche names around. That knowing smirk never once leaving his lips that I find myself staring at, especially when he darts his tongue out to wet his bottom lip leaving it plump and shiny in the evening light. I have to grip the railings tightly to stop myself doing anything either of us might regret later, not wanting to lose the friendship I have with Tommy. He’s quickly come to mean a fucking lot to me, even after I promised myself to not trust anyone like that but he does something to me unexplainable and just from one look I’m like putty in his hands.

I have to swallow, hard, to keep my voice even, tearing my eyes from his smirking lips, “I’m thinking more along the lines of Whiskey or maybe Cricket.” The second one sticks more when the way the foal jumps and stumbles, currently bothering her mother who is just trying to graze in peace.

“I like Cricket.” Tommy speaks, fingers brushing over my hand, making me jump. His body practically thrums with electricity and want and I would like to give into it but I’ve been trying so hard to keep my distance that I instinctively jump down, putting physical space between us. Before I can move away even more his hand darting out, gripping my chin and drawing me closer, breath mingling as he murmurs, “I know you feel it too baby girl. I’ll wait as long as I have to but I want you back.”

With that he’s gone, the ghost of his hand on my jaw seared into my skin, leaving me alone in the field and chest heaving with nothing but longing aching through me. Fuck, he makes it hard for me to stay away.

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Fifth Time:

Ellie’s dragging me inside the barn, the music almost deafening and the bustling of people makes me want to turn and run away. I’m going to stay for a little while to keep the eighteen year old happy as I’d feel like a terrible person if I were to be the one to wipe that smile off her face, her nose scrunching up as she laughs at something she hears in passing.

Maria’s organised another party night so people of Jackson can have a day off from their work and let loose. I’ve been spending most of my time in my house, taking my name off patrols for the last week and Ellie’s had enough of it as she was partnered with a slime ball of a guy for her patrol on Friday instead of me. This was her compromise to forgive me as well as I couldn’t say no to those puppy dog eyes. So here I am, moving awkwardly on the dance floor with her, Dina and Jesse.

They’re giggling and Jesse sweeps me into his arms, trying to get me to loosen up and it works because soon enough I’m laughing and swaying my hips in time with the music. Never did I think I’d be in a club of any sort again after the outbreak but here I am on a hot and sweaty dance floor, moving in time with the music and letting loose. Maria had to have a word with me a few weeks ago about needing to socialise with others and become more of an integrated part of society so when Ellie came pounding at my door earlier it was a good enough excuse.

It seems like everyone in Jackson is here, the dance floor unable to be seen as it's practically wall to wall people dancing except for the booths around the edges of the room and the stage. The music is all nineteen nineties but Jesse and I are dancing, twisting, turning, holding hands as we change sides. We're all grins, probably looking like idiots and for once I don't care. Inside we're just happy, happy and more alive than we can ever be in this post apocalyptic world. However, some subconscious part of me feels so guilty and I’m scanning the room for a set of familiarly broad shoulders or dark curls but can’t see them and the ache in my chest returns. All that joy and happiness slowly seeming from me and I’m starting to feel like every arm or body that bumps into me is searing hot and it’s too stuffy in here with too many people.

“I-I’m sorry Jesse… I gotta-“ I don’t finish my panicked sentence, turning and trying to push my way through the masses of hot and sweaty bodies and hands grabbing and grasping. I’m itching to grab something to defend myself, body stuck between fight and flight when familiar hands settle on my waist. They draw me backwards, pressing their chest to my back and the smell of sandalwood and whiskey had me settling back against them as the fear seems to seep from me. I don’t know how Tommy does it but I don’t know why I was even panicked in the first place when he whispers in my ear, voice low and husky, “I’v got you baby girl, you’re safe with me.”

My head falls back against his shoulder, forehead pressed to Tommy’s neck as his hands wriggle their way under my shirt to find bare skin as he saw how much it calmed me down when Joel did it at the dinner. It works because soon enough my eyes are slipping shut, only able to focus on everything Tommy as he gently sways us in time with the music. My hips press back against his, drawing a sharp sound from his lips which are suddenly latching onto the exposed skin of my neck as we grind to the music. Every instinct is yelling at me to end this before it goes anywhere but the way his tongue laps over my jugular has me weak at the knees and keening for more. I’m tilting my head further to the side to give him more access, feeling the skin blooming and bruising beneath his lips and the way his hips are pressing against mine is harsher and faster.

I shouldn’t be doing this but the way his hands are tightening on my hips and the way he’s groaning in my ear has me staying where I am, the music drowning out any sounds, barely letting me hear his soft whimper of, “Don’t stop.” Before he his rut into my backside, stuttering and messy and he’s close, I can feel it in the way he clings to me. I shouldn’t let this happen, I shouldn’t be letting him use my body to get off , I shouldn’t be letting the obviously reciprocated feelings he has for me progress this far. Then he’s biting hard at my collarbone, a guttural sound leaving his throat as his hips jerk one last time before we’re stilling. His heads raising, eyes so dark they’re almost black but filled with want and something else that scares me, especially when his face dips closer to mine. I’m yanking myself out of his grip and running out but not before sending him a panicked, “I’m sorry.”

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The One Time He Did

My front door flies open, stealing a yelp from me as I spin around where I’m making coffee at the counter to see Tommy. He’s in jeans and a shirt but his shirt is loose and done up haphazardly as if in a rush to get dressed. It’s very un-Tommy like but by the way he’s stalking towards me he had something else in mind, he’s caging me against the counter with his face extremely close to mine as he growls out, “You have been nothing but a tease baby girl,” His lips pressing to that soft spot just under my jaw before he continues, “Everyone has told me how much you like me yet when I try and give you an opening you run away.”

“Y-you don’t want to be with someone like me Tommy.” I’m pushing him a step backwards, putting space between us, “I’m awkward around people, I’m a hermit and a loner with no many in the town-“

“Y/N!” He’s snapping, eyes hard as he holds my face in hands and makes me look at him, “I love all of you. I love that you’d rather spend your time curled up with a book. I love that you are always finding sneaky ways out of Jackson to help us cover our bases. I love how gentle you are with the horses and how much you let yourself care. I love-“

“Kiss me.”

“Yes ma’am.” He closes the distance, one of his hands moving to my hair and pulling my head back into the kiss, swallowing the sound it draws from me. His lips are just as plump and pillowy as I imagined, the kiss soft and open as he caresses my cheekbone and his tongue licks inside my mouth. It’s better than I could have imagined, the mixture of last nights whisky and this morning’s coffee on his lips an intoxicating mix and I never want to stop kissing him. Foreheads resting together when we have to pull away for oxygen and everything seems to slot into place. It is okay to want something as you never know if it’s within reach if you don’t try and well… Tommy is willingly moving with me when I slam my lips back to his and walk him backwards to the sofa.

A gasp falls from those pretty lips when he falls back onto the couch, a smirk appearing as he reaches forwards and grips me by my thighs, yanking me onto his lap and sliding his hand back into my hair to draw me into a hot and dirty kiss that sends sparks of electricity through my spine to my aching core. His other hand is on my ass, rolling my hips over his to create a delicious friction that has me mewling into his mouth. He’s nipping at my bottom lip, sucking on it before trailing his lips down my neck and over last the hickeys he left on my skin last night. My hands fumble with the buttons of his shirt as he creates more dark marks, a rumble in his chest when I lightly drag my nails down his abs, trying to memories every dip and scar just in case Tommy changes his mind.

I can feel the pressure building in my core every time he guides my hips forwards, the outline of his thick length being felt through both layers of jeans. My nails rake through the visible curls of his happy trial, moving to his jeans so I pop the button while his hands are tugging at my shirt until I get the hint, lifting my arms for him to throw it across the room. His breath hitches when he realises I went braless, not seeing any need for it if I was gonna spend the day in the safety of my own home, fingers ghosting up my stomach and dark eyes flicking up to mine in silent question.

“Ever the gentleman,” I’m practically moaning when he immediately tweaks a nipple between the rough pads of his fingers when I guide his hands up to touch. His lips close around the other, tongue swirling and my back arching into the pleasure, not having been with anyone in years. Fuck this man is talented and he knows it from the way he’s smirking up at me, eyes never leaving my face as his mouth and fingers swap, his other hand pressing my hips down even harder and drawing a low moan from me as the coil in my stomach tightens even more.

“Y/N YOU’RE NEEDED AS COVER ON PATROL! OH MY FUCKING GOD AHHH!” Ellie comes flying into my house, freezing and quickly slapping her hands over her eyes, as Tommy presses my chest against his while his arms wrap around me to cover my modesty, “THANK FUCK THERE WILL BE NO MORE SEXUAL TENSION BUT AHHH YOU HAVE LOCKS FOR A FUCKING REASON!” Before she spins around and blindly stumbles for the door, slamming into the side of the frame and calling out an “I”M OKAY!” Then she’s gone, leaving me and Tommy alone, staring at each other until a laughter bubbles up in my chest.

“Fucking cockblock.” I grumble, sliding off his lap to find my bra that I know I threw somewhere down here when I got home last night. It’s on the back of the arm chair and Tommy’s nimble fingers help me do it up at the back before he’s slipping his flannel on my shoulders and spinning me to face him so he can also button it up for me, a content look on his face.

“I will be right here when you get back baby girl,” He draws me into a gentle kiss, chuckling out a quiet, “Well, I might be waiting in your bed for you actually.”

“I like the sound of that.” I can’t stop the smile as he kisses me again, drawing me closer to him like I’ll disappear.

“HURRY THE FUCKING FUCK UP Y/N! STOP TRYING TO EAT TOMMY’S FACE!”

“I’m coming!” I call back, breaking away from Tommy and slipping my shoes on and grabbing my jacket. He’s standing in my living room, shirtless and jeans unbuttoned with red nail marks bright against his sun kissed skin and the tip of his dick peeking through the small gap where his zipper has slipped down, making my mouth water and that ache between my legs worse.

Ellie of course ruins the moment by getting a firm grip on my arm and yanking me out the door, shaking her head as if disappointed which I know she isn’t and letting out a yelp when I smack her lightly after she mutters under a breath.“Bet you fucking wish you were.”

“Shut up.”

“You shut up.”

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c0rvidbones · 2 months

Note

hello I love your art a whole lot!! tell me more about Wit (he's hot and evil and I require more juicy details) and Ruby (his design goes so hard) please?

oh my god hi i did not expect to come back to 20 notifs. (/pos) youve given me a much needed ego boost tonight thank you. is it bad i cant remember having ever posted ruby art?? ive only ever gotten One comm of him which is a crime, my violent martyr son should rly get more love than i give him 😔 but thank you for asking! buckle up this is gonna be a long fuckin post ♡ everything under the cut including relevant character art

WIT

behold, all art of wit i have including one i havent posted here bc i never actually finished it and the wip of him being a silly giggly boy. pls know i came up with him like MAYBE a month ago. two, tops.

SO wit is actually a what-if au of another oc of mine, his name is doodle. doodle (seen below) is a very robin-hood-esque oc, honorable thief and kindhearted, swashbuckler rogue that dual wields rapiers bc hes insane. but hes insane in like a normal way. he was a horrible child but he did grow out of it and its rare to see him w his hair down so pardon me making him look absurdly pretty in that one.

as you can see there are some (but not MANY) differences between the two. kid wit does have the starry hands/peets im just forgetful dont @ me about it djdjdj

ANYWAYS so the what-if of the au that wit is, essentially, little singular things didn't happen to people in that au world. it goes like so;

wit: never met his childhood best friend when he was a freshly injured orphan. was alone from the (elf) ages of 0-16. ended up studying magic (illusion wizard) since he didn't have someone to lean on for that sort of thing.

laika (wit's mom): never truly broke out of an archfey's madness curse. stuck with a very twisted version of the spell Tasha's Hideous Laughter burned into her mind. everything is funny and if it's scary? even funnier. she died briefly. shes back now, but still madnessed.

perseverance (wit's dad): never saved his mother from a death blow in the be-all end-all fight to save his home. was held back by someone who he thought was a friend, killed that person and then ultimately spiralled so hard that he became a lich. may or may not have accidentally killed laika.

something something one decision can change your whole life, me and my friend loved playing with that concept.

okay now that you know a lil lore/history i can dive into what wit is like.

as a kid (drawn with the short megafloofy hair) he's very mischievous and bastardly, almost always smiling or grinning but it's more to lean into the uncanny valley effect his eyes cause than out of any actual joy or anything. he doesn't Blink and he knows it unnerves people because he also has a freakishly high insight (i think its like a +9 or smth??? at level 9??). he loves to come up with fucked up spells, like. for example i saw a silly post on here the other day that was very jokingly having a wizard cast a spell of "10000 bricks until you die" but then i was immediately aware wit would (1) come up with that spell, make it functional, and have it unfortunately obliterate everyone that gets hit with it, and (2) he would call it Wit's Bricks which i think is fuckin funny. he would also come up with spells of like. cause heatstroke. boil all fluid in your body. FREEZE all fluid in your body. he's a little freak with extremely low empathy for those he isn't connected to with blood ties. that said, he's kind to his family (albeit very blunt and will call them out if theyre being stupid) and inquisitive. he DID look his dad in the eye when he met him for the first time and went "are you dead?" which. again, hilarious, but BRUTALLY blunt. he then called his dad cool because yes his dad is now a lich and therefore undead. he's a little freak but he's still a kid and that is ultimately his saving grace, what small child isn't a little freak.

as an adult (long ponytail) i get a feel of him being aro and using romance as a way to manipulate people. he's definitely still not a good person and far more stoic than he was as a child. also he most definitely maintains a constant illusion to make it seem like his eyes are always closed, which lends an air of mystery to the strange elf that seems to always be standing right behind every throne in every kingdom of faerun. i say this because i like to think he would become what's called a King's Wit, which is like a combo of royal advisor, court mage, and "guy the regent has insult other nobility since insults are beneath the reigning royal". he uses all of that to his advantage, gaining the ear and trust of every single person of noble blood that is part of any royal or ruling court, and he will bend and twist their choices so subtly that they won't realise he led them to ruin until it's already too late. which is his ultimate plan. he's STILL somewhat a robin hood style of character, but he takes it a bit further and with far less kindness to the nobility. he guts their coffers completely and every hoarded coin down to the last copper inevitably will land its way conveniently into the lap of the common folk. he does take a healthy chunk for himself - did you know being a wizard was EXPENSIVE in dnd btw? i didnt until i made wit - but most of it is for the local citizens. he does this everywhere he goes if he sees that it needs to happen. fucker topples kingdoms For Fun, because he never gets caught or credited with the ruin he leaves behind himself. he's awful. he probably still comes up with fucked up spells and he manipulates his way into wherever he wants to be. i love him.

---

RUBY

behold! @polterpumpkin drew my (not very) little guy for me! this is part of a greater set but this is the fully coloured one and arguably my fave bc it captures the absolute batshit energy ruby brings to the table.

ruby is a tiefling that was born in a lab. voluntarily, his parents participated in a sort of study that wanted to eval why it is tieflings could be born to non-tiefling parents. (both his parents are half-orcs, interestingly!) he participated in it up to a certain point, before he got sick of being poked and prodded and Watched. that's when he demanded to be released and, when he wasn't, both his parents helped him escape, unfortunately leaving his other two tiefling-born siblings behind in the process. both parents Died helping him escape, and he was embittered as is by the whole study bs, and then to have his parents die Saving him? it left him with this sort of hole he didn't know how to feel.

so he fills that hole with every vice he finds agreeable. he drinks, he fights, and he drinks again. he's a drunken monk, and one full of unbridled rage and a death wish. he isn't my happiest oc but he isn't my worst off (that would be talisman bloodhunter). he's constantly seeking a grand and worthy cause to die for, literally. he's a wannabe martyr, because he doesn't think he has anything to live for. no lovers, no friends, no allies, MAYBE a coworker or two on the occasion he's needed (he is so not needed most of the time, because it isn't often any job needs an angry monk tief to glare around the place). he has just those two sides to himself - party animal and underground drunk brawler - because he doesn't want to think about the pain underneath them both. he's tragic in a very human way, hilariously enough, but he's not a bad person. even if he's being dragged by the tail to do a job, he's ultimately going to be helpful and he ALWAYS keeps his team alive. he'll grumble about it but he'll do it, and if you thank him he brushes it off, muttering something or other about how it's just his job, don't Thank him for that. i think having a friend would Fix him but fuck if i know what would get past his thick skin 😔

i dont get to play or write ruby really, not for any specific reason other than the dnd games im in have been going for So long, and that i havent really been super inspired to write him. but i love him! literally my car is named after him! i have so many feelings for him and i hope one day i get to play/write him so he can be more fleshed out.

#c0rvidspeaks #ask me about my ocs #and-a-pidgey-in-a-wepear-tree #ruby #wit dalca #oc #i was almost done w this like an hour ago but the fucking APP CRASHED and ate my whole reply #also the tags is where i realise i never gave ruby a last name oh noo

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barakittens517 · 2 years

Text

PT. I: The Lost

Summary: You've been alive on this planet far longer than you should have; you cannot die, cannot dream, cannot stay in one place for too long. And you're okay with that.

Until you meet the blonde stranger in rounded sunglasses. Until the people around you start dying. Until something shifts in the universe, and you find yourself drawn to where it all began, and who it all began with.

PT II: The Finding

Words: 1,442

Warnings: mentions of alcohol use, minor (slightly graphic) character death

Pairing: Morpheus x gender neutral reader

Note: this is the first fic I've written in... 900 years?? meant to be a one shot and now ive got carried away with multiple chapters, so we'll see (:

The universe is vast. Some might even say endless.

You had always known this. You had been lost in it seemingly forever. Always running, always one step ahead of everyone else. You didn’t know why you hadn’t died. Why you didn’t have a family, or a home. It seems, one day, that you just appeared on the planet.

There were a handful of truths you had come to accept as fact, and everything else was up for interpretation. You knew, for example, that you could not die. And you knew that staying in one place for too long would end in catastrophe. You knew that the world didn’t necessarily want you, or need you.

You just existed.

And that was fine.

You had settled for quite some time in the Midwest, in small towns far apart from one another. You stayed away from most of civilization, choosing to spend your time underneath the stars in various parks and out in the country. Dive bars were easy pickpocket targets, and no one had caught you in decades. Ha. People did not know you, but they always underestimated you.

The night you met a tall, blonde man in circular shades, however, changed this. You were drinking, casually, towards the back of the bar. It was your last day in town- too many people had given you that look, and you knew it was time to move on. You’d already packed your single bag- a black backpack that carried a handful of clothes and wads of cash you’d collected over the last couple of months. It was resting against your boot. One last drink, and you’d step out to follow the misted gravel roads to anywhere else.

You were heading up to the bar when he stepped in. None of the regulars noticed a damn thing, but something twisted in your stomach. You motioned to the bartender for another vodka lemonade.

The tall stranger headed straight for you, and you silently cursed the bartender for taking his sweet time with your drink. The stranger grinned.

“Hi,” he started, “How are ya?”

You smiled back politely, but the pit in your stomach grew. “Just fine, thanks.”

He flagged the bartender down and ordered a whiskey sour, on the rocks. You wanted to go back to your table, to get the hell away from whoever he was, but you didn’t. You stayed at the bar and sipped your drink.

He turned to look at you and absent-mindedly spun the straw in his glass. He hadn’t taken his glasses off. “Do I know you from somewhere?” he asked.

You shook your head. As long as you’d been alive, you’d certainly remember someone like him. “No, I don’t think so. Sorry.”

He nodded. “You live here?”

You shook your head again. “Just passing through.”

“Ah.” He clicked his tongue. “I was hoping you might be able to help me out. I’m looking for someone.”

You shrug. “Not a lot of people around here,” you commented.

He casted a glance around the room, noticing the raucous group of older guys crowding the pool table. It was painfully obvious the stranger did not fit in there- the regulars were dressed in worn out t-shirts and ripped jeans, with work boots covered in muck.

The stranger next to you was impeccably dressed in a cream-colored suit jacket. You wanted to say something, but you didn’t.

The stranger turned back to you. “I can see that. What’s your name?”

You panicked internally, instantly forgetting what you’d been calling yourself these past couple of years. “What’s yours?”

He cracked a smile. “Most people call me Rin.”

“I’m Ellis,” you said, giving the name you'd kept for over a century. It was about time for a new one.

“Well, Ellis, this shithole looks like a dead end to me. It’s been a pleasure.” He set his glass down on the counter and walked out the back door. You finished your drink and grabbed your backpack to leave.

The guys at the pool table whistled as you walked by. You ignored them for the sake of your own sanity and quickly stepped out into the night air. It was colder than usual.

You set off towards the edge of town, sticking to more of the side streets and back alleys. Part of you worried about the guys from the bar, but they seemed preoccupied with settling whatever bets they had placed on their game.

You had just reached the gravel roads extending west when you heard it. A scream, emanating from the farm fields in front of you. You ducked low into the ditch and held your breath. Someone- a man, was pleading for his life.

“I barely know her, I swear! We graduated together… years ago, please! Please don’t do this.” He was sobbing now. You couldn’t pinpoint the exact direction, but you felt pulled towards the field closest to you.

“I need more than that,” a voice responded. A voice you recognized. A voice you’d met just minutes earlier.

“S-she was at our reunion…um, here, I think we’re friends o-on here, I can find her loca-” His sentence was cut off by the sound of gurgling, and then silence.

A small river of blood cascaded down the ditch you were crouched in, soaking your boot. You were much closer than you’d thought. Too close.

You couldn’t help it, you gagged immediately. Your boots squished as you stood up, gasping. A tall, blonde man in a cream-colored suit appeared from the corn stalks, wiping a bloody dagger with a white kerchief.

“Ellis! What a surprise.” He tucked the knife back into his jacket and grinned. “I didn’t think I’d be seeing you so soon.”

You felt the bile rise in your throat again. “Did you just…”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about him,” Rin scoffed, “He was just helping me find someone. You, however,”

“D-didn’t see anything,” you stuttered. “I was just leaving.”

Rin shook his head. “I don’t think you were.”

JesusChristI’mgoingtodieHolyshitholyshitholyshit-

“I think you might be able to help me, actually.”

“Please don’t fucking kill me,” you whispered, digging your nails into your palms to avoid passing out.

Rin laughed. “No, I’m not gonna kill you. Here.” He tossed a smartphone at you. “This was his.”

The lock screen image made your blood run cold. It was a selfie of a guy you’d seen around town, standing next to what you assumed was his girlfriend.

“Now, I need you to get into that. Someone said he was friends with who I’m looking for, and he has her location somewhere,” Rin said.

You slid the screen up and realized the passcode was six numbers. What fucking passcode is six numbers? And how were you supposed to know the answer?

You wracked your brain for a moment. You had just seen this guy- granted, you couldn’t remember his name. He had come into the bar a while ago, buying shots to celebrate his birthday. That was… seven days ago. And he looked about your age, so…

Your fingers nervously typed in the six digits you assumed were his birthday. Voila. “I got it,” you said.

“Perfect,” he replied, “Now I need you to find where the girl is. Her name’s Rose. Rose Walker.” You didn’t ask why, just nodded and got to work scrolling through his apps. You couldn’t help but notice he already had six missed calls from Andrea- probably the girl from the lock screen. You ignored the incoming call and clicked on Facebook.

An ominous text message popped up on the screen.

Andrea <3

You know you shared your location with me, right? I’m on my way.

Your stomach dropped. “We should probably… I think we need to get out of here,” you said, showing Rin the message. “If she finds the… you know.”

“Smart idea, kiddo. C’mon, I parked down the road.” You blindly followed Rin, quickly turning off Location Services on the phone.

You found Rin’s car parked just off the road. It’s a light blue convertible, some vintage model that suits him entirely. You buckled up without thinking. Rin sped down the gravel roads, headlights off. You could almost swear you heard sirens already. You’d be scared shitless if you weren’t already numb.

Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat were all dead ends.

Instagram was the last app you opened. You found Rose Walker’s profile and scrolled through her photos. All of them have been geotagged, the most recent from a town in Georgia. You relayed this information to Rin.

He grinned from ear to ear, and the sight made you want to throw up again.

“Are you gonna let me go, now?” you asked. The grin fell.

“I wouldn’t think so,” he replied. “I got a feeling you’re gonna be useful.”

#the sandman #Morpheus #dream of the endles #morpheus x reader #dream x gn! reader #the corinthian

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adanaac · 10 months

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Could I ask about your OC's? Specifically Ophicucus and Tsuru, I love how majestic Ophi is drawn and Tsuru fascinates me both with the concept and also how lovely you have illustrated him.

I hope you are well, and thank you again for helping me with my questions o7.

Sincerely HMAD.

oh good i get to talk about my son!!

my blorbo my beloved my babygirl he means everything to me

i made him in 2017 so hes sort of grown up with me (or i've grown up and realised things about him that i couldn't have when i was younger. i have so many complicated feelings abt this that i made a short comic about it last year)

to preface this im not a great writer dont expect good writing from me lol all i have is my personal experience and stealing tropes from stories i like

(got a lot to say so its all going under the cut. also a lot of death mention)

So. who is this dude

Tsuru (not his real name in-story, i havent come up with one im happy with), 18 years old, a ghost

he has a little sister, Ori, 15, who was meant to be my sona but then i just drew him more and like drawing him more anyway

first 2 drawings i ever did of him. he was based off natori natsume yuujinchou at this point, i dont remember why or if i even liked natori that much, but i remember distinctly hes based off him

u may have noticed he sort of looks older in my older art. this is because first of all art style drift lol but also as ive gotten older ive figured out that 18 isnt actually that old.

theres also a black haired version of him (two actually) its basically something like this ⬇️

important to know that everything about this dude is a convoluted metaphor

i lovingly summarize white tsuru as "people pleaser" and black tsuru as "nihilist prick" in my head and those are the things consistent throughout all the AU versions of him

(important differences only to me) alive tsuru doesnt act like black tsuru at all thats just his warped self perception (he also doesnt act exactly like white tsuru either)

also alive tsuru has black eyes and the shortest hair, black tsuru has blue eyes and slightly longer hair (also white tsuru is slightly taller than both of them)

if they all existed at the same time they would hate each other on sight but fortunately (unfortunately?) he is just 1 dude with issues

the general vibe is white tsuru is the "yippee floaty trickster" brand of ghost and black tsuru is the sort of ghost in horror media that stands just outside your field of view in the darkness dripping with blood

for the longest time only white haired tsuru was a "character", "black haired tsuru" existed just as his corpse at most, a footnote

but over the past 2 years ive figured that hes actually really fun to draw and play with, and in a different way than white tsuru

(wait fuck isnt this just abe trio. i do always almost accidentally draw tsuru when im trying to draw haruaki.... fuck.....)

(ive had tsuru for long enough that i just keep tacking details from my fav characters onto him.....)

halls smp

so ive been on this minecraft roleplay server called halls smp with other artists for the past 2 years, theres a new season of it every few months with a different theme each time to keep things fresh and ive just been making AU versions of tsuru for it so ive had a lot of opportunity to think about him

season 1 - halloween - jiangshi tsuru

this one is almost entirely unchanged from his base characterization because i didnt want to rp too much and also didnt know there would be future seasons at this point (also basically after the first day i gave up on being called "tsuru" bc its too hard to pronounce and everyone called me canada anyway)

same basic story, guy dies and theres now a white haired version of him (actually this is the same for all the AUs). in fact im pretty sure the black haired version of this one is exactly base alivetsuru. basically what ive been interested in exploring is different kinds of death, the events leading up to it, and what kind of person he becomes afterwards (but also in equal amounts im interested in making fun designs and playing minecraft and fucking around)

(this feels like the start of the beginners guide...)

i associate him with doves and at the time, tarot card 18: the moon, but in retrospect i now think he's card 0: the fool.

season 2 - winter - ishmael

guy who died at sea and eaten by a interdimensional whale and got isekaied. loosely conceptually based off moby dick, although i havent actually read it LOL but i did spend a week reading up on drowning and hypothermia

strangely, his death didnt create a white haired version of him, perhaps because he didnt have anything in life to give up his identity and replace it with. (and also remember the hair color doesnt actually mean dead/alive)

im only calling him ishmael now in retrospect, at the time he was just tsuru/canada

while designing him i had the biggest crisis bc i didnt want him to look to much like this old old oc i had (pic 1) but then i sucked it up and went with it anyway

i never got around to drawing it but his fingers are black from frostbite thats why he wears gloves all the time.

hes one of my favorite iterations of tsuru he looks so mad or upset all the time it makes me want to tease him, and also i think the grey skin and eyebags are very cute

i associate him with whales and tarot card 18: the moon

season 3 - golden grove - fox tsuru

honestly i think this is my favorite design of him i kinda popped off. i think im just a lot more comfortable working with warm colors. and also i associate white tsuru with foxes anyway (black tsuru is totally a catboy btw) (why is he not associated with cranes if his name is tsuru you ask?? bc cranes are hard to draw next question. he did start out based off cranes tbf, thats where the white hair and the tallness comes from)

dead fox possessing his dead human friend's body (although thats only the most literal interpretation of events; in all these iterations there's only ever been 1 person) the white tsurus are mostly interested in "moving on", whatever that means to each of them

btw my banner on this blog is him

hes sort of a set with s2 tsuru to me, mostly bc theyre the ideals that "white tsuru" and "black tsuru" hold taken to the extremes, and also theyre on opposite ends of the "hates people hates talking" and "loves to talk and mess with people" scale

anyway. hes tarot card 10: wheel of fortune to me

season 4 - wild west - mirage

the desert dragon, mirage. this is the season i started giving them actual names that arent "tsuru" and putting actual thought into the story lol previously it was just vibes-based character design. i have a short thing written about him thats meant to be the script for a comic, but i never got around to drawing it.

a sandworm-esque dragon that got tired of being a dragon and took up a passing witch's offer to give him a human form. this is all a metaphor i think. he has longer hair bc i wanted to spice things up a little

(also i consider this a form of death bc he left behind a giant sandworm/dragon skeleton somewhere in the desert)

the mirage-dragon thing comes from the shen 蜃 (which is used in the chinese word for mirage, 海市蜃楼 haishi shenlou, literally translating to "ocean city and shen's castle"). it's a clam-like dragon that produces foam that creates mirages over the ocean.

if u read "even if you slit my mouth", this is what the "shinkiro" or "shin" in recent chapters is. (i had one of those "smug because i already know all about the mythological creature a story is referencing" moments, which i also had with the four gods in yohaji bc i used to translate a game that mentioned them too)

isnt it romantic in a way? that the two places mirages are most known for happening are the ocean and the desert.

i dont have too much art of him because around this time i was uhhh (checks calendar) got back into yohaji and got consumed by it for a couple months lol (can u even blame me. it was july to september that was when like chapter 91 came out lol)

an earlier version of his design that i didnt end up using but i still really like this art

hes tarot card 9: the hermit to me

season 5 - fairytales/medieval - ophiuchus

NO FUCKING WAY YOURE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS for this one i actually ironed out what kind of people the black haired and white haired versions of him are. and also specifically this one isnt black tsuru but alive tsuru

i have a short poem thing about him, to summarize its like so many other fairytales about grateful animals granting their saviors something, but it doesnt end well for anyone

hes based off ophiuchus and asclepius of course, but also a lot of other snake stories in general, like the lindwurm and baishezhuan

to reiterate, for none of these stories do i consider there to ever actually have been 2 separate people, its always just 1 fucked up guy

i also sort of consider him to be a set with mirage, for both being serpents, and also for being "black tsuru whose personality is like white tsuru" and "white tsuru whose personality is like black tsuru", thereby codifying for myself that to him, someone who's stuck in his own head a lot, what matters most to him is his ideals, what all his actions are in pursuit of

he's tarot card 12: the hanged man to me

bonus: dnd character - alba

i also have a version of him i play for dnd, named alba to match with my party who all have color themed names. a halfling ranger who's very small and very loud. except he has amnesia and cant remember anything from before he was 12 (hes around 18 now according to him), including that he's actually a changeling who just transformed into a halfling to seem older than he is to work at a bar and nearly died in a bar fight.

(if you spend as much time fretting over semantics as me, you may note that changelings are medium sized and cannot transform into halflings which are small sized, for which my explanation is that he's been in halfling form since he was a kid, and after the amnesia he thought he actually was a halfling. this is also why his hair is white btw bc changelings have white hair. pre-amnesia in his "actual" halfling transformation he had black hair. i care too much about semantics but hey isnt dnd the semantics game anyway?)

anyway congrats alba for being the only version of tsuru that hasn't outright "died"!! if only because dnd has actual rules and i can't pull my usual death-ghost nonsense as easily!!!

hes very ship of theseus to me, all versions of him are. what makes up a person? what defines them? is it their face, their appearance, their name? their personality, their memories, their ideals? if you slowly replace each of those, one at a time, with a copy thats very similar to the original, at what point are you a different person?

as thanks for reading all of this i'll reveal what some of the metaphors are, the core of who tsuru, as a character, is to me. maybe this is fairly obvious, but all the death and personality weirdness stuff is a convoluted metaphor for depression and autism, as well as the experience of reading the things you've written years ago, seeing old photos and others talking about who you were years ago and finding that person wholly unfamiliar, that you understand the thought process of that person no more than you would a stranger's, as a result of having taken apart your identity and replaced it piece by piece with things from people you like more than yourself.

im always scared of scrutinizing tsuru too hard because he's just a weird reflection of myself, and i think i'll only be able to write a version of him thats more of a "whole person" once i figure that out for myself. the only way you see your own reflection is through a mirror after all, a flattened 2D surface.

haha this got kinda weird and depressing and personal at the end (mostly bc ive been writing this in the middle of the night, its now 4am)

after seeing my soul laid bare like this, if theres one takeaway, i think its pretty obvious why i'm so enamored by the parts of yohaji that i talk about often (huh wasnt this a post about my oc why did it become about yohaji)

oh yeah i just realised u probably also wanted to hear more about my yohaji version of tsuru specifically. honestly theres not really more to it i just like drawing him in situations. like of course the same themes apply but i just like drawing this dude thats 90% the reason hes my sona. like heres a pokemon au of him i drew recently bc i wanted to draw them as kids and also as pokemon gijinkas

anyway thats all. not really bc i could go on and on about him but this is way too long and also way too personal at this point. i think about him a disproportionate amount, i only have 2 other ocs i remotely care about and the extent of my thoughts for those guys is "i think hes fun 👍"

this has probably also been like, the 3rd most comprehensive description of tsuru that ive made, 1st being the thoughts in my head and 2nd being the past 5 years worth of DMs with my friend who i talk about tsuru with

(why was this sort of structured like the beginners guide. if youve seen the beginners guide tell me if im right or delusional. if u havent, go watch a playthrough of it, have an existential crisis, and then afterwards tell me)

#canada art #canada ocs #this hit the 30 image per post limit lmaoo

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defilerwyrm · 9 months

Note

hi! I've come asking questions about transition (as a trans boy) more specifically, you mentioned that you've used both testosterone cream and injections.

Do you mean the cream/gel kind of HRT that is used once daily? If so, I was wondering whether you noticed any difference in the uptake or changes in the rate of your transition compared to injections. Did changes happen at the same rate as injections or a bit slower, since I've heard there can be problems of the skin not absorbing T as well as injections. Do you have any personal experiences of this?

Also if it's not too personal, which kind of HRT are you on now (injection/cream) and why did you choose to stick with it, if that was your own choice? (ik there can be insurance/supply issues that might affect it)

Howdy! So: this was a ride.

My first provider (not naming names, but she’s a doctor who works in downtown Austin) gave me two choices: find time to take a 1- to 1.5-hour round trip downtown, pay the $20 copay, and have a nurse give me an injection every single week; or use a daily cream from a compounding pharmacy that delivered. For reasons of time and money, I went with the cream.

I was on it for a year; I don’t remember my dosage exactly, but it was something like two clicks of a finicky dispenser. I was on it for a solid year and the only change that occurred was I got a couple more annoying, embarrassing PCOS hairs on my throat. Absolutely nothing else. Meanwhile, every 3 months or so I’d express my frustration with this to my doctor, and she’d just tell me to be patient. Or, you know, come in and pay the copay every week instead.

Now any number of things could have been going on here. She could have had me on a comically-low dose (I really have zero memory of what it was). My biochemistry could have overpowered or resisted it. The compounding pharmacy could have been bullshit. Who knows.

By comparison, right around three months on testosterone cypionate injections, my voice broke and I started sprouting facial and body hair in spades.

Between what my second HR provider (the one who got me onto cypionate) and other trans men I’ve heard from have said, the gel version is a much slower ramp-up usually because you’re adding T to your system in small, daily doses, and the cream version seems to be pretty uncommon; both of them are better if you really want to ease into the changes instead of just getting the whole second puberty thing over with, or if you’ve already been through testosterone-dominant puberty and just need to maintain your levels.

Since July 2017 I’ve been on a weekly 0.4 mL injection of 500 mg/mL testosterone cypionate. It was pretty challenging at first with my phobia of hypodermic syringes, but I’ve inured myself to it over time. My habitual injection site has also acclimated to it so that there’s literally no pain at all if I get myself in just the right spot, so that’s pretty great; and using the bathroom mirror instead of looking directly at myself has proven a great little trick to hoodwink my brain about what’s going on, thus reducing my anxiety about it a great deal.

I’ve stuck with it because it gets results, it’s a lot less messy and aggravating than a topical treatment, getting the right dosage is MUCH easier, it’s become a little ritual of sorts, and I only have to remember it ONCE a week instead of seven times. It’s also lessened my anxiety when I have to get blood drawn or have IVs in (though I still really fuckin’ hate IV lines). YMMV, but for me, it’s been a great experience overall.

We’re not gonna talk about the thinning hair, though. -_- One more crappy thing I inherited from my dad’s side, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s activated by testosterone….

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dailycass-cain · 1 year

Text

Detective Comics #1069 has a SURPRISE appearance and yeah it caught me completely unaware of that sneaky sneak Ram V (okay he did hint this was coming). So let's get into this.

I've been following this tale off and on (I kind of want to read this more in trades because the wait is killing me every month for more issues. 😝

I'd rather read this all in one sitting). But I still find myself drawn to these issues making me get and read them cause THEY'RE SO GOOD! This run feels like an under-the-radar thing. It's got good Bruce, doing stuff with Gordon, Renee, Talia, Two-Face, and Mr. Freeze.

The character work is exceptional that writer Ram V is doing here. Weaving stuff from his own run on Catwoman while also tying other stuff.

Here we get that in spades this issue with Batman and Oracle talking about the lower levels of Gotham (which Ram V has been going to town on).

Now a new player has been added to this run.

I do like how Ram V goes back to the James Tynion IV way of treating Cass/Steph like agents Babs uses while she does Oracle things. It gives Babs a rest as Batgirl (allowing her to be Oracle), and allows when she does make those issues more special.

So yeah, we have Cass entering this run for the first time and yeah I'm hyped. Because there are subtle little things Ram V is doing here besides just bringing her in.

Cass is only in it for a few panels but her presence is all over the back half of this issue. The setup for the next is sweet. Because you have Cass, Lian Harper, and a SURPRISE guest in these Warrens taking on the goons of the "Big Bad" of this run.

I doubt we'll get much but there could be some GREAT character interaction to be had here. You have Lian/Cass both daughters of murder moms. Like, this might be the first time the two could be meeting.

Then you have the SURPRISE guest who ties into well what modern Cass has been doing well with but not so much in Batgirls (yet) and that's bond with the "freaks" of Gotham.

We had that with Clayface in Tynion's Tec run. We had that with Wong doing that with Orca in their issue of DC: Doom & the Damned #1. Now we might be getting that too.

I mean there's a chance Bruce might interject, but man there's so much character work to be had here, and the character's been put thru the ringer. I want this so bad next.

If not we got Cass/Lian vs the goons vs WILD CARD. No matter what, this'll be a very a fun read next issue.

Plus the back half art just slaps. There are multiple artists this issue and I'm at a loss for who drew this amazing Cass.

There's just a proper Batman-lite in the way Cass acts here in just the panels. I'm really hyped now about where she goes for this story.👊

#dc comics #cassandra cain #my thoughts

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kquil · 9 months

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🧁; this is my first time doing this TT but i just love how you write the marauders!

soo I’m 5’0 (150cm I’m short i know) right now i have long red hair with some bangs, i loveeee baking and cooking in general, i’m latina, i usually prefer to dress in skirts even in winter lol, i really love animals and i have always believed that my favorite subject at hogwarts would be care of magical creatures, i’m ravenclaw tho!

that’s it, hope u are doing well, I really enjoyed seeing what you write in this!

awww~ thank you for trusting me and my writing with this, darling!

from your overall description, i ship you with Remus Lupin!

i. he loves your long red hair and thinks your bangs are so stylish; they suit your face so well and makes you look even prettier than you already do

ii. sometimes, he would find himself twirling your hair around his finger and admiring it's colour but also how soft your hair feels. he does this often when you two study together and he eventually needs to take a break or gets distracted by you - you wouldn't distract him intentionally though, he's just drawn to you

iii. he also loves how short you are compared to him although he does feel quite guilty that you're having to angle your neck so uncomfortably just to meet his eyes or how you'd have to raise your voice for him to hear you clearly when there are other people around. to combat this, he's developed a habit of leaning down to hear you better and observe your face closer ⏤ you get prettier the closer he gets, what can he say?

iv. you love baking and Remus has a sweet tooth, naturally, you both get along together. before the two of you started dating, he was often attracted to how good you smelled; you smelled like a sweet bakery so he often was lured to you by his nose and he spots you out of the crowd easily.

v. every weekend, you two would have a date at the kitchens with the elves where you would bake to your hearts content and Remus would helpfully taste test everything. he hardly gains any weight from it so you had no reason to worry over him too much

vi. there was one time where you burned yourself on the oven door and let out a surprised and painful hiss. immediately, Remus was at your side with worry on his face but after he saw what the full damage was, he got to work right away. from his lycanthropy, he had grown pretty well adept at healing spells so you had no scarring ⏤ this did lead to you question why he was so good at healing wounds when his favourite subject was DADA...and he eventually confessed about his condition.

vii. you love him regardless so he didn't know why he hadn't told you sooner. it even made sense that you supported him because you loved animals and you adored care of magical creatures, he, technically, was a magical creature. nevertheless, you didn't treat him any different, only loved and cared for him more and in the right way when the full moon comes

viii. now you actively helped in his recovery. he wouldn't allow you to go out with him on full moons or become an animagus for him but you helped where you could. you helped with his recovery, diligently taking notes for him the way he liked them being taken in classes, baking his favourite goods for him and visiting him often in the hospital wing. madam pomfrey, although acting irate at your extended visits, was an avid supporter of yours and remus's relationship

ix. in winter, when you still wore skirts, he made began to only wear long, thick coats so that he could lay it over your legs to keep you warm even if you wore tights underneath. he's just a cute little worrywart. in the warmer months, however, remus loved seeing your legs, he just found them so sexy. he doesn't believe he'll ever get tired of their shape or pretty skin, primarily because they all belonged to you and he loves you so much, inside and out.

x. honourable mention, i also, lowkey, ship you with James Potter. we all know he has a thing for red heads and he's definitely the type to showcase your baking creations with the utmost praise to anyone that would care to listen and entertain him. he would dedicate so many scores to you whenever he had the quaffle and he would adore listening to you talk day in, day out about every magical creature you know about, he just loves how intelligent you are, that and he loves the sound of your voice, it makes him smile like a goof.

#☀︎ : 1k milestone #☀︎ : 1k #🧁 : cupcake 1k #remus lupin #james potter

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v-mum-writes · 1 year

Photo

First time ive drawn anything this month and i kinda gave up lining and colored it sloppily lmao it but tada.

AU where Sakura was the sensei for three traumatized orphans. Cause who doesnt love a Roleswap.

Anyway. Long list of notes and ideas bellow.

Naruto Uzumaki: -Nine Tailed Jinchurki Genin, Last of the known Uzumaki. -Basically, Sakura-sensei’s adoptive Nephew. -The moody atmosphere oh his teammates is rubbing off on him and making him increasinly pouty. -Possessive of Sakura-chan with Intense youngest-child-syndrome. -Wants desperately to learn Sakura’s super strength, -Thinks Sasuke is a spoiled baby. Thinks Kakashi is a spoiled baby. HE’S the spoiled baby. -Scared he wont be good enough.

Sasuke Uchiha: -Uchiha Genin, Second Heir to the Title of Clan head. -Thinks it’s awkward to have his older brother’s friend and medic teacher as his sensei. -Thinks it’s bellow him to be competitive with either of his teammates, but still is anyway. -Outraged that Sakura wont let him wear gear with the Uchiha Symbol on it if they leave the village. -Gets embaressingly excited when Sakura shows them medical ninjutsu, because Itachi is a medical apprentice, and that makes it cool. -Horrified of ANBU, convinced they will kill him and his family.

Kakashi Hatake: -Last of his clan, Head of the Hatake Clan. -Academy Student, age 4. -Refuses to use or practice Medical Ninjutsu. -Thinks the other two are weak and will never improve, but tries to be a competent teammate anyway. -Extremely casual about it, but touch starved and very touchy. But like, not in an affectionate way. Obviously. He doesnt need that. Obviously. -Terrified someone will die.

Sakura Haruno: -Heir of the Family, Last Family of the Haruno no Uzushio. -Prodigee of the Sanin, Student of the Yondaime, S-Rank Kunoichi, Flee on Sight. -Gave her students red gloves with Punch-Enhancing Seals as a reward for passing her Bell Test that immedeatly solidified her as insane to the other Jonin Teachers. -Gets flack from all three of her students for refusing to let them were their various brightly colored preferences out of the village despite wearing red herself. “When you can punch without wearing your gloves, you can pick your mission clothes.” -Might start another riot in the village if one more thing goes wrong around here that she has to fix herself. -Besties with Might Gai. Her students think she’s insane for it. -Certain she’s going to mess up and ruin them.

---------------

The Haruno: -Survivor and Immigrant from Uzushio, arrived to konoha as a young child; arrived with her parents shortly after Kushina’s family, one of the last-leaving survivors of the destruction. -The Haruno Clan was mostly civilian with an occasional Shinobi in the family. The clan was average sized, with a strong focus Herbology and related merchants: perfumes, flowers, wines, medicines, paper, etc. Sakura and her parents were the only known survivors of the Haruno Clan. -The Haruno Clan did not have frequent shinobi members because, unlike other famous Uzushio Clans, they were not known for large Chakra Reserves; in fact, they were known for smaller-than-average reserves at best. Sakura is no exception. -However, The Haruno Clan was known by other ninja for having unusual Chakra with strange behaviors. They also had a strong elemental nature that preferred Water or Earth, and tended to come with imbalances in Yin or Yang Chakra that could swing wildly with little to no ill effect. -While the Harunos were little-known for their lack of producing powerful or noteworth Shinobi prior to their near-destruction, they had been very well known in Uzushio and among Merchant civilians. They were wealthy, powerful traders, and at the height of their power often married Powerful Shinobi that increased their standing. Some members of the Haruno family carried the hyphenated last name of Senju-Haruno, Uzumaki-Haruno, and even one noteworthy Uchiha-Haruno long before Uzushio formed. -Despite being mostly civilian, and having small reserves, there were almost no Haruno Members that didnt practice or use their chakra.

The Tale: -Sakura is 28 at the point “Naruto” would begin, and is assigned her rambunctious squad, Team Seven. Which would mean she is: One year old when the Second Shinobi War Begins, Two then Jiriaya starts teaching Minato, Ten when the Third war ends and Tsunade Leaves konoha, Fourteen when all of the original Rookie nine are born, and is Eighteen when Konoha finally puts the age-limitation law for Shinobi. -For some age Comparisons: Sakura is 11 years younger than Minato and Kushina, 25 years younger than the Sanin, and 7 years younger than Sasori or the Amegakure orphans. She’s one year Older than Kakashi would have been; 12 years older than the rookie nine collective. -Sakura grows up in the time period where the Second war raged and never exactly died down, and grew up almost exclusively during a war-time era as a civilian-regarded refugee, like her parents, Neither of which were shinobi although both had practiced and used their Chakra. -Sakura was marshalled into the Shinobi Academy at three and Graduates at five years old. She is believed to have graduated so young as canon-fodder based on her Civilian parantage and early graduation. However, he makes Chunin less than a year after Genin, before she is six. Sakura makes Jonin one year before the Third War breaks at the age of seven. She spends four years in ANBU from the end of the third war, age ten to fourteen. From there she continues her Shinobi work as a Jonin and Medic, after orochimaru goes Rogue and jiriaya leaves the village. -At three years old, shortly after she joined the academy, she meets one Minato Namikaze (then 14), also of Civilian Parentage, and he begins helping her in her training. About a year’s time after, Minato introduces Sakura to Jiriaya along side Kushina. The three form an unoficially-dubbed “Team Jiriaya” for lessons. Upon Sakura’s graduation one more year later, the unofficial team continues meeting, but Sakura is instead assigned a Genin Instructor whom, shortly therafter, died in the field. Sakura is not reassigned a Sensei due to shortages in available ninja. -at six years old, Sakura is assigned to Team Minato alongside Rin and Obito (who are both nine, and Minato is now currently 17). Sakura functions more as a Teaching aid to minato, as the two have been training together for years. In order to make sure her own training does not stagnate, Minato has Jiriaya introduce Sakura to the currently retires Tsunade who does not participate in field work for the war and, thus, has free time. Sakura is additionally introduced to Orochimaru, and all three Sanin teach or train her in pieces and parts over time. This is a student relationship that persists until Tsunade leaves the village, at which point Sakura is 10, and a Jonin. Shortly after, Sakura joins ANBU. -Sakura leaves ANBU at 14 when her last two senseis go rouge, a year after her teammates from “team jiriaya” have died and the Kyuubi disaster. Upon returning to Jonin work and re-submerging herself in life outside of ANBU work, she takes to the decaying state of the Konoha hospital with full viger. -at 15, there is an attempted kidnapping of the Hyuuga Heiress. Sakura, preoccupied, turns her attention from the hospital and rebuilding her ties quietly, to the current affairs of Shinobi. her focus settles onto the piss poor state of youthcare. She becomes involved in disapearing cases of children around the village, as well as mistreatment or poor health of young-aged shinobi. Her investegations lead her to discover an orphan so-named Naruto Uzumaki- completely unaware of his parentage to her old sensei/teammates. -As a refugee of Uzushio, Sakura is resonable startled to find an Uzumaki orphan, as her parents once told and still tell her of the now-extinct clan. investegation of him out of curiosity turn up deplorable conditions. Sakura becomes immersed in fighting the hokage for improved conditions for children, loudly supporting the proposed graduation limit for young shinobi in the academy, and in a move that startled almost everyone involved or knowing her, files for adoption of one Naruto Uzumaki at the age of 16. -Sakura does not aquire custody of Naruto but proceeds to adopt him in every sense she is allowed- providing gifts, harassing mistreaters, and assisting the then-3-year-old with lessons mostly involving reading, young chakra excorcises, and age-appropriate ninja lessons. The atttention rapidly solidifies Naturo’s adoration. Sakura is affectionately refered to as his cousin, his aunt, or his older sister. -the law on graduation limits is passed as sakura is 18 years old. Unrelated to her sudo-adoption of Naruto, Sakura is continuing to investegatate other cases of missing or harmed orphans or children in the village, as well as involving herself in cases of troubled shinobi youths, working closely with the Yamanaka and Uchiha She has also taken on a Misson partner with Might Gai, whom she appreciated for his viger and his undaunted personality, as well as his willingness to help babysit Naruto when she’s busy. She becomes more-involved in the case of Uchiha Itachi, whom she had already previously encountered due to warning flags earlier in his young career, and becomes increasinly invested in when she concludes he has recently joined ANBU at the age of 10, younger than the new academy law. -Sakura’s involvment at age 19 leads to her further involvement in the Uchiha Massacre, which she does not manage to prevent entirely, but many lives end up spared, including one Uchiha Itachi and his younger brother and mother. There is a large number of non-uchiha casualties. The Massacure is still carried out, this time by ROOT, for which Itachi is framed and captured for, but ultimately is relieved as innocent, again by Sakura’s involvement. Itachi later begins medical training under Sakura as a student medic in the hospital. -Sakura encounters Kakashi Hatake, last of the Hatake, at 24 years old. He is a new-born infant to his older and disgraced retired veteran father, who’s wife passes away during the childbirth. Sakura is freshly returned from a mission and has stopped at the hospital, encountering the situation at hand, where Sakumo Hatake has attempted his life but narrowly survived and is brought to the hospital. Sakura joins the effort of healing the ‘head’ of the dying-out clan, with success. however, these becomes an annual issue where Sakumo attempts his life once a year as he wife’s passing arrives. -Sakura does not actually encounter Kakashi again after seeing him as a newborn until she is 27. She is confronted by a very skilled three year old that is currently in the academy in his first year, and has sought her out as the best medic in the village, notoriously trained by the Sanin, and being in his bingo book with a flee-on-sight order for almost two decades. And for having intrests, rumor has it, in becoming involved in the lives of “young prodigees.” He insists Sakura teach him, as current academy laws and lesson plans are not enough. Sakura, recognizing him by name, and observing he’s already dangerously advanced, agrees to teach him when he is not in the academy- and insists the first thing he learns be medical ninjutsu. Kakashi agrees to this easier than sakura expected. -Sakura has been teaching Kakashi for less than a few months when his father attempts his life once last time. Kakashi, with bare-bones rudimentry medical skills not even nearing medical ninjutsu itself, is sufficiently scarred by his ‘failure’. She is at the hospital when the already-diseased body arrives, Kakashi in tow being aggressively dressed down for his attempt to fix the problem himself rather than get help, which ‘maybe contributed’ to his father not being recusitated or healed in time. -Kakashi refuses to practice medical ninjutsu, or basic first aid, with Sakura again. But they resume training some few weeks later under his insistance, Sakura teaching him non-medical practices as his situation strongle reminds her of Tsunade’s trauma and she chooses not to press him... for now. -At 28, Sakura is chosen for Jonin Teacher line up. And knowing Naruto is about to graduate, she’s both terribly surprised, and already very sure she knows why she’s been chosen despite the position requiring her take a leave from the hospital despite being it’s head medic. due to an uneven number of appropriate graduates, Sakura is only being assigned two genin, along side one “academy student” to ‘tutor’. This is Sakura’s assignment: Her devoted ‘nephew,’ Naruto Uzumaki, the moody brother of her now-friend, Sasuke Uchiha, and her chaotic four-year-old tag along, Kakashi Hatake.

#munart #munchatter #naruto uzumaki #sakura haruno #sasuke uchiha #kakashi hatake #things i might actually write one day if i ever have time #fic ideas #concepts

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windwardstar · 1 year

Text

that one t post

Since there's some of y'all who showed interested, here's the big rundown of my experiences with T. This covers being on T for 3 month at 26, stopping it for a few years, then the first 9 months of being on T at 28. Contains the changes that have happened while I’ve been on T + the interactions with my other health conditions + the process of accessing care. It’s safe for work/reading in public as far as any puberty/medical body talk is. Word count is ~8k.

T round 1 (2019 - I was 26)

If you followed me back in 2019, you might recall me getting on T at the end of that year.

I didn’t have a PCP and was in a very conservative state which made me concerned about finding a trans friendly provider, so I decided to go through Planned Parenthood knowing it was informed consent. The PP that had a gender clinic and was open on my day off was on the other side of the state/2 hour drive one way. But also, when I went to book an appointment they had one for the same week/the next day so I didn’t have to wait. I had insurance through my work that partially covered the visit, the lab work, and the prescriptions. This was out of network for my insurance so I paid more than if it was in network. My local pharmacy was the Sam’s Club which has $4 prescriptions for members- which is what I ended up paying as it was significantly cheaper than my insurance co-pay. (I did not get a prescription for a sharps container and bought one from the local store.) I got my supplies in 3 month batches and didn’t have any issues with the pharmacy.

At the appointment, I was given a big packet of “side effects” (aka the desired results) it included a handy chart of when certain changes would likely happen. My provider went over it with me to make sure I knew what to expect, and asked me a couple questions about my gender identity and transition goals to get a feel for me and make sure this was what I wanted. I was completely out at work and socially. I had very recently moved out of an abusive homelife and was catching my feet mental health wise, but I was in therapy at the time and on medications that had been as a consistent dose for about a year (aka: mental health problems were well controlled), so the doctor was comfortable prescribing me T. We decided to try weekly injections first to limit potential high/lows on a longer dose cycle.

The Labs for this provider were Initial Labs, 3 Months, 6 Months, Then Yearly. My 3 Month Labs hit right at the start of Covid Lockdown, I wasn’t able to get in for them (perpetually overlapping quarantines at work yo), the shift to telehealth hadn’t happened, and then I ran out of my psych meds (antidepressant and an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) so my executive functioning skills went bye-bye for a while. So I couldn’t get my prescription renewed and had to stop T after like 3 months.

I took Testosterone Cypionate (0.25 ML, 0.50 MG) by Intramuscular (IM) Injections in my thigh once a week. The syringes had a twist on/off for the needles themselves (bigger one for the drawing up, smaller for the injection). They hurt a lot for me. I’d get a bruise around the injection site and the muscle would be very sore for 2-3 days after and hurt when I walked or used the muscle. It wasn’t enough to make me want to stop, but it wasn’t pleasant.

(Because of the long drive, the doctor didn’t have me come back for the first shot, just confirmed I was comfortable administering it myself and knew the process. She said if I ran into problems there were youtube videos I could look at or I could call.)

I did have issues with my needle phobia, but before getting to the part of actually seeking out access to T, I’d done a lot of work to manage it. The few years prior to starting T, I’d had to get a lot of blood drawn for lab work, several IVs, and quite a few vaccines which had helped me calm down so I was no longer having panic attacks around needles. The biggest thing that helped though was mental work and visualization. I started out just contemplating the concept of T injections in the abstract, then read posts with people talking about injections, looked at visuals of needles/syringes and people administering them. The last step was then thinking about giving myself injections and visualizing it. The whole time I tried to associate it with all the positive things I’d hoped to get from T and reminding myself the injections/ivs/blood draws of the previous years had all been perfectly fine and my anxiety was not reflecting what actually happened. (I also got a tattoo a month or so before I started T and after the initial anxiety I was mostly just fascinated by watching the tattoo gun, which was what really made me think I could do the T injections.) It took a long time to get to that point. When I started, I was only able to think about needles for a few seconds at a time. But I was able to give myself my first T shot with only a little anxiety (my hands shook a lot). And with each successful injection, the anxiety went down.

The Changes on T (1-3 Months):

Increased body hair. I noticed the hair on my thighs thickening and darkening around the injection sites, but not really much else. The peach fuzz on my face increased and I got a few dark hairs but there wasn’t really anything to shave. I think I shaved my face once because I wanted to not because there was anything to really shave…

Voice Changes: I sang quite a bit so I noticed that my lower register got fuller and the lowest end of my range got easier to access, but other than that there weren’t any vocal changes that I noticed. I didn’t get any voice breaking or cracking.

Bottom Growth: Yeah, there was some of that. Enough I noticed. Things also got very very sensitive and painful. OTC pain meds and ice packs helped. Loose clothes. Also manspreading.

Periods: They got lighter and less painful almost immediately, and I skipped one 3 months in. Then I ran out of T and got my period back the next month.

Acne: I didn’t get acne until the 3 month mark or so, but that also coincided with the start of wearing masks. It got really painful so I started using the OTC acne cream I used in high school, and it cleared up to something manageable once I was off T. (My teenage acne hit HARD at 13 and didn’t clear up until I was 24.)

Nightmares: The first month I started getting a significant increase in nightmares/remembering them upon waking up. This may have been because I had just moved into my own place and escaped an abusive environment, but my therapist at the time mentioned that nightmares were a common thing for people starting T (it is a big hormone change so y’know).

Other Changes: there may have been some, but it’s been a few years so I don’t really remember.

T round 2: 9 Months (2022 started at 28)

The goal was always to get back on T. It just took a while. Cross country move (liberal state now yo), new job, getting new insurance. Once I did, I had to figure out where to get T again. The planned parenthoods were all booked months out and none open for gender clinic stuff on my days off.

I went through my doctor’s office, found out they have a special gender health program for trans people and transferred care to them. I had to wait like a month to get an appointment, but it means my PCP/GP is versed in trans care and does all my hormones. The experience is fantastic. The whole office used my chosen name and pronouns before they got legally changed and had the ability to change the display name on my chart so everyone would use the correct one.

The initial visit was via phone. It was a lot of the same causal “tell me about yourself and your transition goals” as the last time. We skipped a lot of the “this is what t will do” since I already knew it, and folded it in with talking about my experience being on T previously, what I liked, what I hoped for, what I found difficult, etc. I was off the psych medications I had been on the last time, but since I’d been off for two-ish years and was stable, I was ok to restart T. We started me off on the same dose and frequency I had been on previously, but because the IM had been painful, we switched to SubQ.

I didn’t need any initial lab work done, but I’ve done them every 3 months after starting. I had to go in person to pick up my prescription (which I did the next morning after my initial telehealth visit, the pharmacist called the insurance to get the authorization & everyone there was super great) and meet with the nurse to administer my first shot. The doctor poked her head in to say hi in person.

My insurance covers the visits, lab work, and prescriptions. I did have to get prior authorization and have a letter from the insurance company stating my T prescription is approved for a year. I got a prescription for a sharps container this time since the stores did not have any on the shelves. (The pharmacy was out of the small ones too, so I ended up with the big gallon size. It takes up a ton of space under the sink, but it should last me several more years before I have to dispose of it.) My needles also just have a smooth pop on/off to attach to the syringe.

For the first six months, the depo was a 0.25ML/0.50 MG SubQ injection once a week. Because there were certain changes I wasn’t seeing, at 6 months my dose was increased to 0.40ML/0.80MG SubQ once a week.

The SubQ injections basically don’t hurt after I’ve injected them. A couple times I injected them too quickly (just sticking the needle in and pressing down on the plunger too hard and forcing the liquid in, then pulling the needle out immediately) and those are when I’ve noticed redness, swelling, and soreness around the injection site. So my process for minimal pain and bleeding: wait until I’ve got cool skin (not right after a shower), inject slowly, count to 10 before pulling out the needle. Warming up the vial in my hands so the T isn’t cold and making sure everything is dry from the alcohol swabs before injecting also helps with the initial injection pain.

The anxiety around needles has basically all disappeared so I have no issue giving myself injections.

(I have a problem with my T vials crystallizing. I’ve found they take ages to dissolve, so I stick them in a pocket/waistband to keep them warm against my skin for an hour or so as I go about my morning, shaking it every now and then to see how it’s doing. I do my shot on my day off when I generally have time to do that. This time it’s Fridays. Last time it was Wednesdays.)

I started T (again) in April 2022 at 28

(Idk how the math works on these changes when you start/stop/restart on T. I wasn’t able to find anything. Probably because there’s not enough data on it. Given the length of the break, the T levels in my system had definitely reset, and I hadn’t been on T very long previously. Some of my changes went faster than the expected timeline, some slower, some about the same. So know there’s a parenthetical +3 months to all of this.)

Voice Changes: I noticed a continuation of the pattern from the last time. My lower register got much fuller and easier. My upper range started getting harder to reach. Nothing cracking or breaking, but there were some notes I was struggling to reach by the time the choir concert rolled around in mid-May. I started off bordering soprano/alto and was clinging to the alto range before we broke for summer (1-2 months)

I caught COVID from work over Memorial day (~2 months in) and my voice cracked a bit. I went into COVID being able to talk, was sick for a week, and then when the Covid cleared my voice was fried. I sounded terrible talking. Singing wise, my lower range had extended and my upper had come down, but I was still easily able to slip into my head voice.

Started Summer Choir at the end of June. I spent the first few weeks feeling like the songs were a little low for my range. Then things shifted again (~3months) and my singing range shrank to about 3 notes, I could not reliably open my mouth and make a sound, my breath control disappeared. I had one volume I could sing in, no going louder or softer or the sound would disappear. I sounded like a squeaky clarinet. (I did a very good seagull impression.) It was terrible and I loved every minute of it because it was so euphoric. I didn’t sound like a girl. I was firmly in the Tenor range. I was experiencing the puberty I’d always wanted to. (It was hard to tell with the first drop since it happened while I had COVID, but the second time my voice really cracked, I also had a really dry and sore throat.)

Enter August (~4 Months) my range was starting to re-expand. The low notes/chest voice coming back first. I was also figuring out how to make noise with the new instrument, because speaking and singing is all muscle memory. Which meant everything I knew previously was basically irrelevant at best and counter productive at worst. My brain would know how to produce a note on my pre-t vocal chords, so it would try to do what it had done before and either a) nothing would come out because my vocal chords are no longer capable of producing those notes or b) it would come out but be much lower. (I’m still working on retraining this 9 months in. My mental voice and physical voice do not match. I still think I sound like my pre-t self. Like, the thinking voice in my head sounds like my pre-T voice, it hasn’t dropped yet. Which makes singing difficult because I don’t know intuitively how I sound now. I have to adjust once I start making noise.) I was able to make my way through the concert at the end of August, but there were things too high for me since I wasn’t able to access that part of my range yet.

September/October/November/December (month 5-8) my singing range continued to expand and stabilize, the lower notes got much easier, volume control came back, my breath control returned with practice, and some access to my head range. My voice fatigues easily, but that’s getting better too. The vocal fry/clarity of my voice is getting better as well. I had to stop multiple times per rehearsal over the summer, but by December I was able to make it almost the whole rehearsal before reaching my limit. I do not have a smooth transition between notes and get stuck in low gear so to speak. Pre-t my favorite things to sing were songs where I jumped around my entire range. I miss that flexibility, but there are new things to enjoy singing now. I’m also only 9 (+3) months in, and my voice is going to continue to develop. My goals right now are just to continue exploring my singing voice as things change, and to try and get my brain to match what the new pipes can do.

(January 1st, Month 9 (aka today while I was waiting to do a final round of edits on this post) I had a moment where things finally clicked into place for my singing voice. I was singing while doing the laundry, and I was just able to actually sing without feeling any strain. It felt easy and natural coming out. I had to focus on what I was singing to a degree, but not to the exclusion of doing other activities. The sound didn’t crack or disappear on me, and I didn’t run out of breath mid phrase. I was able to actually sing. It was also a moment where I was able to hear my voice and think “this is what I sound like, this is my voice” as opposed to the transitory state it’s existed in since I first started noticing changes. It’s also just a sense of feeling completed and right. I cried, and there was joy, but the predominant emotion was just feeling that things had finally aligned into where they were meant to be and an overwhelming settling peace.)

My biggest thing right now is just how much more air it takes to make sound, speaking or singing. My laugh has turned from a giggle to just blowing air out through my teeth or a bunch of kekekekeke where the sound is from my tongue stopping the air rather than my vocal chords making noise. Singing, I am having to breathe much more frequently than before. Speaking, I sometimes don’t do enough air and sound doesn’t come out. I go nonverbal A LOT more than before because the physical act of speaking has become harder. That initial start up to making noise is sometimes more than my brain can figure out in the moment.

My speaking voice has also changed a lot. The pitch has dropped, it’s gotten much rougher, but I tend to speak in a very femme manner. People have definitely noticed it’s dropped, but it sounds more “cold/laryngitis” than “guy.” People have definitely started reacting differently when they hear me speak over the phone, but I’ve yet to get any comments and it’s not been enough to keep strangers from misgendering me. I have the ability to sound like a guy, there are times when I am relaxed and can hear it come out. The bulk of how my speaking voice sounds is from how I’m using it. I sound like a girl to others because of all those aspects of speech that have nothing to do with how high or low it is. (Aka sounding like a guy at this point for me is about technique not physical ability. This is where speech therapists would be useful.) My dysphoria over my voice has essentially disappeared. I love my voice now, and I’m filled with so much excitement over seeing what else unfolds with it as I get used to it and how to use it.

Acne/Skin Stuff: First off, Puberty 1.0 gave me terrible acne. It set in at like 13. Regardless of what I did as a teenager, I was unable to really control it. I had products but they didn’t really work and my mother wouldn’t get me to a dr for it. My skin was dry and oily. It would crack and peel and bleed and had reactions to every product I put on it. It got better in my twenties and was mostly gone by the time I was 24. It came back when I started T the first time + Covid Masking at 26. But by that point I’d found an acne cream + lotion combination of products that kept things almost clear.

I expected to have acne bad again on T because that’s just what my body does with hormones. By the end of the first month the acne was back. It progressed to being painful cystic acne by 3 months. I told my doctor and got a prescription cream. I’m meant to use it twice a day, I did at first, but it made my skin too dry, so I use it mostly once a day (generally after I’ve showered). I use it + a plain lotion for moisturizing/keeping things from getting too dry. I still have pretty bad acne, my face is red and skin is perpetually breaking out. But it’s not painful, and that’s my biggest goal with controlling acne. Especially because I react very strongly to products on my skin.

My acne still gets worse around my periods, so I know a lot of it is hormonal stuff going on. There’s some slight increase in body acne, but nothing that I even have to put cream on as it’s not painful and goes away on its own. The acne usually appeared in spots where hair was growing in for like a week or so while the hair started growing in thicker/darker.

The rest of my skin also got super oily. And I got super sweaty. And smelled funky for a little while. Previously I showered and washed my hair every other day because that was the balance of keeping my scalp happy. My skin also couldn’t handle more than that as it would get too dry and crack even with lotion. 1-2 months in, I was showering every day, over the summer (~3-6 months) I was showering once in the morning and once at night (mostly because sweat, but also smell) and washing my hair every day. I did not really experience any dry skin. Somewhere around the 7 month mark, that all decreased. 9 months in, I’m showering every day (with an extra shower if I get gross) and still have no problems with dry skin on my body.

The T has affected my scalp*. I started reacting to the shampoo I’d been using for years about a month or so into starting T. I switched to a different shampoo that worked for the most part, but then started causing problems about 7-8 months in. I’m currently trying a new shampoo + washing every other day or so, and hoping it works. This is getting brought up at my next appointment either for medicated shampoo or a referral to the derm if the current shampoo doesn’t work. *I don’t know if it’s causing a reaction to the products, or if there’s some interplay of the increased oils + increased sweat + my hair being wet for longer + more washings causing more dryness and more irritation + the hair dryer causing more irritation. All I know is my scalp is hurting and I am trying to figure out why + what I can do to make it stop.

Aka: I had terrible acne during puberty 1.0. Puberty T.0 is running about the same in terms of getting acne, but I’m able to manage it so much better because I’ve a) found a lotion I can apply to my face to help with the dryness and b) got a doctor to prescribe acne cream that actually helps. I’m having worse scalp problems now though, but working to manage them.

Facial Hair/Body Hair/Head Hair:

I started getting dark hairs on my chin first. It was within the first 3 months. It also coincided with the acne. Because my skin is so sensitive and the acne was so bad, I decided to use an electric razor since it doesn’t cut as close and tends to result in fewer nicks and cuts and ingrown hairs. I would not have been able to use a razor without cutting myself at the start. I also tend to react to shaving cream so the electric razor allowed me to not have to figure that aspect out too. I started off every few days, then every other day. Somewhere around 6 months I started needing to shave every day to keep the stubble away. If I have a few days off in a row I’ll skip the shaving so I can see what it looks like, but I shave clean if I have to work.

I’m not really sure when the body hair started growing. I noticed the leg hair on my thighs started growing in a little thicker and there was a bit more hair on my belly 4-5 months in (mostly because the bandaids from my shots started hurting when I pulled them off lol.) At 9 months I’ve noticed the hair on my arms and thighs has gotten darker and a little thicker, and my belly has gotten a lot more dark and thick hair, and there’s some chest hair appearing. I want to say somewhere around 6-7 months, I really started noticing the body hair and getting euphoric and happy about getting fuzzy. (Idk about lower leg hair since I frequently shave it due to wearing compression socks and finding them sensory hell and painful with leg hair.)

(Also got more hair on the butt and the butt crack, which was making getting clean after pooping during colitis flares difficult. Solution I’ve found is shaving/trimming that area (you know how it works with long-haired cats and dogs?) and using wet wipes if needed.)

One thing I did notice for both my facial hair and body hair, is that my skin would get mildly itchy the week or so before I started noticing more hair growing, and would continue for that first week or so + there tended to be some ingrown hairs during that stage. It was rather similar in feeling to what my underarms or legs feel like when I shave them and the hair starts to regrow. The itchiness is pretty mild for me so I didn’t really do anything about it.

The spot I inject the T got darker thicker hair first. And by spots I mean like the circle immediately around the injection sites was noticeably darker and hairier than the surrounding body part. It’s evened out on my thighs since my SubQ are in my belly, and the belly is starting to even out 9 months in.

Head hair. It’s started thinning up top right around my part, and on the sides of my temple. Really only noticed it starting at the 8 month mark. I’m currently in the process of trying to figure out if this is related to the scalp issues (since they can cause hair loss) and reversible, or the permanent slow march of time kind of balding. I really like having long hair. It’s fun. I haven’t cut my hair (which would improve my chances of passing as a guy or at least not getting consistently gendered as a girl) because I like my hair. I want to keep it.

I know finasteride and minoxidil are both things that can be used to treat it. I’m hesitant to use finasteride since it blocks DHT and I want the effects of that more than I want to keep my long hair. I’m worried about minoxidil exacerbating my scalp problems and causing more hair loss.

I’m contacting family to find out more information about family history of hair loss (including the ones where there were auto-immune skin conditions that caused it) and will talk with the doctors to figure out what the best option for me is.

I was a lot more anxious about the potential balding when I first noticed, but after a couple months to process it I’m not as alarmed as I was. If I do go bald though, I like the idea of getting tattoos. It’s also something that hopefully will be slow enough that I’m not gonna lose everything right away and can still enjoy having long hair for a while. But also you know the meme, if you can’t produce your own, store bought is fine. Wigs do exist.

Muscles, Fat, and the whole Musculoskeletal Shit

My timeline on this is a little blurry. Mostly because I’ve always built muscle easily and been rather buff just through having jobs that require some level of physical labor. I’ve also got hypermobile joints + low back pain from falling down stairs in 2019 + chest, rib, & shoulder pain from binder (haven’t been able to bind since pre-pandemic) and bra. So my focus on/awareness of physical ability was less on ease of strength and more on whether or not I had pain that made breathing/movement difficult. I’m going to guess it was easier to build muscle fairly early since I did notice some other changes that would track with things being affected.

So first thing I noticed was that my hips weren’t as prone to slipping out of place as usual and the days where they were painful decreased as well as the level of pain. It got to a point where I basically wasn’t having hip pain except around my period (pre-T the pain would get worse around my period, this is a continuation of the existing pattern). I’m not sure if I noticed this by 3 months, but I did by 6 Months. My guess is that the T strengthened the connective tissues and helped build muscle to hold everything in place. When I did a lot of walking and fatigued my leg muscles, the hip pain would get worse pre-T, but now I don’t really notice that at all 9 months in. If I get sore after movement, it doesn’t knock me out for several days. I still have to be careful about how I’m sitting and sleeping as the joints can still get knocked out of place that way. But also, the threshold for pain happening is much higher and I have fewer days of it. I’ve also only had to use my cane a handful of times since starting T.

My rib/chest pain got less severe at some point… I know I’m able to tolerate wearing my bra all day without feeling pain most of the time. That shift happened some time over the summer. So 3-6 months. (This was because my body finally managed to heal from the injuries from binding and the stress injury from using the deli slicer 2-4 hours a day at work in 2018.)

My back pain has kind of been figuring out what makes it worse and better. It’s gotten better overall over the past 9 months, but idk how much I can attribute that to T and how much is just figuring out what makes it worse and not doing that.

I’ve also noticed a significant decrease in flexibility. To the point I can stretch muscles I’ve never been able to stretch before. I can stretch my muscles without hyperextending joints. I started to resume a lot of the stretching I stopped in 2018 because whatever support my joints now have is enough that I don’t risk being too bendy to hold them all in place. My hands basically don’t dislocate/sublux any more, and the pain in them is gone. My grip strength has never been better. I can open water bottles without fucking up my fingers. (Aka T has definitely helped with the hEDS.)

My skin has also gotten thicker and less prone to getting cuts. If you follow me, you probably saw the post I made about the changes on that, but basically, my skin is tougher. It doesn’t get cut up as easily and I don’t bleed as easily. My mouth doesn’t get cut up as much by rough foods like toast and cereal and brushing and flossing doesn’t cause bleeding and tearing (no gum health issues this is just hEDS stuff, although I also notice the sensitivity of my gums fluctuate with my period), I don’t get papercuts as easily, sewing is a lot less bloody. This has made it slightly harder to put the needle through my skin for the T injections, it used to go in completely painlessly but somewhere around 6 months it started pinching a bit.

I also have a little adam’s apple now! Which I wasn’t expecting since I’m nearly 30 and I figured things wouldn’t shift too much. I started noticing it grow 3 months in or so when I would touch my throat and it slowly got just a bit bigger. 9 months in there’s something visible in my throat when I talk or swallow, just a tiny visible bump but it’s more than it was before! It also tends to sit REALLY high in my throat, which I know is also part of the problem I have with my voice being high and strained. I have a couple vocal exercises that lower it and my voice and reduce strain. But also this was one of the things I wanted but was realistically not expecting to get so !!!

As far as muscle and fat (re)distribution and such, I noticed somewhere around 4-5 months that when I looked in the mirror after showering so a) i didn’t have my glasses on and things were hella blurry and b) the mirror was somewhat fogged, I had a more masculine look. When my hair covered my chest (it was waist length at that point) there was just enough shifting of things to look masc. (My boobs have gotten somewhat flatter/deflated. Around my period I definitely get a feeling that they’ve gotten bigger/swelled back up.)

Body wise, my shoulders have always been broad, and the ratio of tiny waist to huge hips has always been a source of dysphoria for me. There’s nothing T is gonna do about the underlying bones, but I have noticed my hips and thighs slimming down somewhat / my waist filling out. It’s changed my silhouette away from the hourglass and into something more masculine. It’s helped greatly with my dysphoria when I see myself in the above sink/counter level mirrors. (Full body mirrors/reflections are still hello dysphoria hips.)

My shoulders also got slightly broader, my neck thicker, and my feet got slightly larger. I know for sure around 5-6 months, as I pulled out my long-sleeves for winter and the ones that had been tight and with no stretch the previous year were too tight to wear comfortably. I also pulled out my performance clothes which I hadn’t worn since month 2 on T, and had to let out the collar on my bowtie by a solid inch and get new shoes as the previous ones were too tight (again I’m almost 30, my feet bones didn’t grow but I did have to go up a shoe size). I had thought around 4-5 months that my neck was getting thicker since it didn’t look quite as stick-like. Around that time my face also started looking a little swollen around the jawline. It may have been puffiness or just things shifting around. I’m faceblind so I don’t know if my face has changed, just around that time looking at my face made me think the jaws looked a bit like my sister’s did a week after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Whatever puffiness I saw then, I don’t notice now though.

Idk if I’ve gained or lost weight since I don’t own a scale and don’t actually pay attention to that because it’s not actually important. Shrug emoji.

Periods & Bottom Growth:

If you’ve read this far you’ve probably guessed my periods didn’t stop early this time. As I stated, the first attempt at T, they stopped three months in. My third period came two weeks early this time when I caught COVID. We increased my dose at 6 months because my periods hadn’t stopped. My 8th period happened a week late. This month for the 9th I’ve gotten some light cramping and joint pain (but another week or two will tell if it’s stopped).

I did notice by 6 months the pain/cramping and other things associated with my period were less. (The flow decreased somewhat and the cramps were less severe. I was able to still walk and function with the OTC pain meds, and I had to take fewer for a shorter time frame to get relief. My blood pressure didn’t tank as drastically, so I wasn’t at risk of passing out every time I stood up on the first few days of my cycle each month. I didn’t get chills and shaking. I still get increased acne, bloated, migraines, and my joints all get loose and painful.)

(Outside of my period, my POTS has also drastically improved. Around 7-8 months, all I really started to notice is the tachycardia. The blood pressure problems aren’t forcing me to sit down to avoid passing out, my low blood pressure migraines have mostly disappeared, and my heat intolerance has drastically decreased. The heatwave in 2018 is what ended up with me in the hospital. I made it through the heatwave this year without too much difficulty. I still get migraines when I get too hot, and get weak and exhausted, but I recover within a day rather than a week. My migraines have tons of triggers, but overall I’ve gotten fewer of them since starting T. The only trigger that’s increased in causing them is my low blood sugar.)

Bottom growth has happened!!! I was ambivalent to slightly apprehensive about this part prior to starting the last time, but discovered pretty quickly I was actually really on board with it. For a while this time I was worried starting/stopping/restarting T meant I wasn’t getting any this time around. But the past month or so (month 9) has given me indications it was just taking a while to happen (like my periods not stopping 3 months as previously). This time, I haven’t experienced much in the way of pain + too much sensitivity, but the sensitivity has really increased in the past couple weeks so that may start again as well.

Appetite & blood sugar :

The increased appetite has probably been my biggest most noticeable thing in my day to day life and the only thing that has actually caused me distress (as opposed to annoyance and irritation with the acne). I noticed pretty quickly an increase in my appetite. This brought back problems with my blood sugar just crashing (and tanking my blood pressure with it) that I’d had while growing up. I would also wake up hungry in the middle of the night. 3 Months in it was the biggest change I noticed.

6 months in I was up to eating every two hours, waking up twice at night, and if I skipped one my body would get ravenously hungry and would have headache and shaking. But I was also getting more used to the routine so I got better about keeping food on me and my blood sugar didn’t crash as often/as severely. My grocery budget effectively doubled so that was yikes to my bank account. I also couldn’t get full or stay full. I was constantly hungry. Since I had a history of food insecurity as a kid, the constant feeling of hunger was distressing and started making my anxiety and ptsd get worse.

(There is a link between testosterone levels and blood sugar. Most of the data is on cis men. But the little information packet that comes in the box of my testosterone vial includes: In diabetic patients, the metabolic effects of androgens may decrease blood glucose and therefore, insulin requirements. Presumably, the doctors know to monitor this with diabetic patients and to mention it to them. But also, a reminder to read all the paperwork you’re given because neither of my prescribers mentioned this aspect to me, even when I mentioned having problems with my blood sugar dropping.)

9 months in, my appetite has decreased to pre-T levels which also coincided with getting heart burn/acid reflux for a solid week and a half. I’d never had a problem with that before, but I was also eating/drinking and then immediately laying down (aka eating right before bed and a midnight snack) for like six solid months, which is a big clue to the cause. The biggest surprise there is that it took six months to become a problem. I’ve been mindful of staying upright after eating and after a few days the problem went away.

Dysphoria, Mental Health, Mood and Energy;

T has been fucking amazing. Like. It’s fantastic and I’m thriving and have never felt so stable and capable of handling life. I can’t attribute everything to T because I’ve done a lot of work on my own mental health and my living situation improving (moving away from abusive family, getting engaged with friends and community, fulfilling job) but its positive impact on my mental health and general mood is undeniable.

My dysphoria is so much less than it was before. I love my voice now, I am starting to remember what it feels like to be comfortable in my body. There’re still a bunch of things that are dysphoria inducing that will take more time or surgery (top, hysto, bottom) to change and relieve, (and when I am reminded about the dysphoria inducing things like boobs and people misgendering me as a girl, it feels terrible and I want to crawl out of my skin). But the entire experience of being on T has been a daily blessing of euphoria as everything happens.

I used to joke that you knew trans people were really trans because who else would willingly go through puberty a second time. Puberty 1.0 had been soul destroying terrible. I hadn’t had a single positive experience from it. Everything about puberty 1.0 had made me hate my body more and the changes just kept getting worse. I couldn’t imagine anyone willingly going through that a second time. Somehow despite knowing I wanted all the changes T would cause, my brain didn’t make the connection that I’d like the process aka puberty 2.0. I’d figured I’d suffer through puberty again and in the end I’d have a body I liked and was comfortable in, so it’d be worth all the suffering of puberty.

I was terribly wonderfully wrong. The first time I was on T, I didn’t really notice a ton of changes, but even the small ones I did I liked. It wasn’t terrible. And then, I was off T and the strength of my desire to get back on T and go through those changes was a physical ache. The past 9 months have been full of joy and excitement. Every little change I’ve noticed has made me happy and been something I loved to find. (Barring the acne, and hunger, and potential hair loss.)

Puberty 2.0 is so powerfully positive for me. I love it, and it’s letting me love my body.

My mood is a lot more stable than it was. With my dysphoria lessened, I’m not constantly feeling shitty about that which overall helped my mood. I’m not as depressed (and when I am, it’s so much more mild than before). My mood tends to be either in a stable state or hypo/manic. But there’s no irritability or violence or any of those fear mongering things. T didn’t suddenly change me into the TERF and bio essentialist’s boogey man. T doesn’t change your personality. If you have anger issues on T, you likely had them before. (Also I really want to stress this because I saw warnings about T and bipolar disorder for years: T did not make me irritable or angry or violent. It hasn’t changed the profile of my mood disorder to include symptoms that were never present.)

(As for crying. I don’t cry out of frustration or anxiety as much--which is likely because my mental health has improved and I’m not pushed into those strong negative emotions as often. But I tear up just as easily when I see heartwarming news stories or videos of puppies or see something heartbreaking on the news. I haven’t been cut off from health emotion, or healthy crying.)

Energy wise, I have so much more energy than I did before. I’ve managed to wake up easily all winter rather than take an hour to drag myself out of bed every day. I can work a 12 hour shift, and/or not take a nap and be fine with 8 hours of sleep (or less) at night. I can run around and do things on my days off. I have enough energy to function. I don’t have to have an entire day off just to sleep (although I still enjoy a good afternoon nap and sleeping in).

I don’t notice my energy level fluctuating with my shot (I do weekly injections to avoid my levels fluctuating and causing other things to do so as well), but I did notice my energy levels increased within the first month. But! There’s also a lot of other things going on that are affecting my improved energy levels. Some of this might be because I actually started taking a vitamin d supplement (and I definitely notice less energy when I forget it). The lessening of my dysphoria has freed up a lot of mental energy for other things, the lessening of my dysphoria has lessened my depression* which gives me more energy, the reduction in joint pain + other chronic pain means I’m not constantly having that low drain on my energy and resting better at night, and the reduction in POTS symptoms means I’m not having that massive daily drain on energy reserves.

(*I’ve noticed an increase in energy at my stable baseline, and an increase in the sustained energy while hypo/manic from my pre-T mood cycles without an associated increase in the severity of other symptoms. My depressive moods have reduced in length and severity because there aren’t as many things fucking triggering me during them (which can also be attributed to the better living conditions and social connections, since I noticed this prior to restarting T), but I also have an increased energy during them as well. Which all tracks with the physical conditions improving and no longer draining my energy as much.)

(I still notice when my blood sugar drops, I get my period, or I have an anxiety attack that my energy levels for the day drop accordingly. But I’m also quicker to bounce back to my new baseline. My anxiety has more or less stayed the same. Also randomly feeling tired has become a much more reliable migraine aura because now being tired tends to have an easily identifiable cause.)

As I mentioned in the appetite section, there has been some downsides to my mental health while on T. The constant hunger was triggering for me, but since I'm in a stable environment and have money for food, it’s something I’ve been able to work through. I’ve also experienced more nightmares since being on T, especially around when I first started and when my dose was increased (biggest changes in hormone levels). But the nightmares also increased in general, which I also want to attribute to having more energy while on T. Before T I had a tendency to be so utterly exhausted I didn’t dream and/or I woke up too frequently during the night due to joint pain/needing to reposition that I didn’t complete sleep cycles and wasn’t dreaming/having nightmares. (The biggest argument for this is also that I’m straight up actually having non-nightmare dreams now too. I rarely had dreams and/or remembered them before. I get them decently often now. Which is nice! Dreams can be fun! And weird. Dream logic does not make sense upon waking up.)

“Passing” / How people perceive my gender / General Reception

Gender is a party and transitioning is the grab bag. I’m basically completely on board all the physical changes T is making to my body (bar the acne and the balding). Presentation wise, I lean heavier into the men’s clothing than the women’s and would prefer to be read as a guy rather than a girl if people gotta gender me, but I’m not a guy and not actually interested in passing as a guy. So I don’t put any effort into passing as a guy. Being my authentic self and transitioning into my nonbinary genderqueer gender basically means I do what I’m comfortable with and just vibe (until someone misgenders me and then I dark side dysphoria vibe).

Basically for those keeping track: I have long hair, I shave clean (and wear a mask anyway), my boobs are still visible (can’t bind), my hips are still a thing, and my voice sounds mostly like I have a cold (lower but with girly customer service inflections). My chosen/legal name is still femme. I’m also 5ft/160cm and relatively small. I dress in men’s clothes for the most part. Strangers still assume I’m a girl. Even in trans friendly spaces I get she/her’ed by default.

(I’m out to management at work but very few others. There’s been maybe one person who might have noticed something. Most people I interact with through work--if they notice anything-- notice my voice change. But all the comments I’ve gotten indicate they think I’ve strained my voice from singing, have a cold, or it’s related to my breathing problems. (I had to wear a mask/scarf outdoors before covid due to the cold making it impossible to breathe, same with smoke. Also I caught COVID right before my voice cracked so…))

As I said, I don’t bind and my hair is long and don’t try to pass as a guy, so it makes sense I won’t. I’m sure if I had short hair and didn’t have visible boobs the default gendering by strangers would shift to a different percentage of girl vs guy vs awkward pause as they guess. So if you’re wondering how long it’ll take you to pass as a guy or confuse everyone, I’m not gonna be too helpful. But if you were concerned about being able to hide being on T/keep your transition on the DL until you’re ready to come out, you can definitely do it, just come up with some excuse for your voice because people will notice that.

Congrats I guess if you’ve read this far. Hopefully this was helpful and/or informative. The TL;DR of it is that the bulk of the changes kicked in somewhere between 3-6 months and are gonna continue for another good while. It’s having a lot of positive effects on my various health conditions (POTS, hEDS, migraines). I’m having a blast with everything that’s happening and am delighted by puberty 2.0. The drawbacks are just kind of inconveniences (and aside from potential balding, seem entirely temporary) and are nothing compared to the overwhelming joy and euphoria of slowly getting to exist more comfortably in my skin.

if you've got questions, feel free to ask. Just know depending on the question and whether or not I even know who you are will influence if I answer it or block you.

tagging myself so i can reblog if i need to @owlsofstarlight

#tag for me #also wow this post got long #and took forever to write and edit up #i apologize if it's hard to follow #but also don't complain if its too long i'm not forcing you to read it #the big t post #t timeline

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ownerofthisaccount · 8 months

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Hello again everyone! This was probably not the next part you hoped for but I hope I can explain well.

@raisans-art has made some really good AUs, such as the Human Illusion Au. One of them is the Chimera Emmet Au where Emmet is captured and experimented on, turning him into Agee after being fused with his Pokémon. Those who watched episode 4 of Fullmetal Alchemist are getting flashbacks

Well, they made a quick sketch of if Ingo was the one turned, called Chei, and I made a drawing for that afterwards because I have enjoyed both designs. As a child I loved transformations and stories of experiment or body horror, so that’s probably a factor. I later drew a mini comic for it detailing how the first night would go down, as well as a side comic of ghost Emmet. I made hints that a part two would come, and even released a WIP of one of the images. Well…I can’t say it won’t ever happen, perhaps months later, but I don’t think I will finish it right now(most of the betas were deleted anyway, either on purpose for space or by accident because of fat fingers). I have Aspergers, and I can hyperfixate on things. This can be for weeks, months, years, even forever in a couple cases. Chimera Emmet happened to be one of those(the twins are still an interest, but I got into several AUs based on them because of it) and I been seeing it since it’s early stages when Emmet was still himself in there. I just didn’t have the courage to fanart it till Chei came out as I love both but lean more to drawing Ingo. I have really enjoyed drawing the two and seeing their interactions, how this bad end line would go, and mentally thinking up things. It was also nice to see other people’s excitement over this and sees their asks created more drawings and pieces. Not recently I’ve been feeling the start of the interest drop. I hate when this happens because you love the thing but you can feel yourself slowly drift from it and it…sucks. I have the outlines ready to be draw but not the push or energy to complete it. I did managed to finish one, being a drawing of the remaining four Pokémon and Pels going to Juniper and Drayden, but unfortunately this was one of the ones that got accidentally deleted and I can’t recover it(which was possibly another push). On top of that I have actually started doing commissions, and being these and the two projects I’m working on(my graphic novel and my favorite list), Ive been a bit drained myself. I have betas for a couple though that were detailed enough to be salvageable, so I won’t put them to waste.

This was supposed to be Chei reading the floor apology made by Agee, anxiously waiting for a response.

This one was supposed to be Ingo’s spirit sensing something wrong, while Agee comforts a weakened Chei while they think of a way to escape.

And my personal favorite, Ingo’s spirit panicking while Emmet’s spirit starts trying to piece together what happened while wishing he was still alive because Chei and Agee would make for an interesting double battle duo(even in death he thinks of battle strategies)

It saddens me to not have full pictures to share, but I won’t leave you empty handed. I’ll share what I was thinking up if I made the final two parts: so after the first night, Chei wakes up to find a poorly drawn apology on the floor from Agee, who still feels guilty for hurting their friend(and shocked when they see Chei is healed) by accident. Though not fully forgiving yet, Chei accepts the apology and slowly starts being less cautious around Agee. Eventually this comes to head when Agee protects Chei from a threat(most likely the scientists) which fully gains the latter’s trust so the two begin to become friends. During this the remaining four mons meet up with Pels(given this Au has mostly the same beginning, Pels still tagged along and escaped the scientists during the chaos that was capturing Ingo) and reluctantly decide the best course of action is to try to tell others, as they feel with Pels with the they could possibly convince someone. Ingo and Emmet’s souls are in limbo, not having moved on due to the circumstances of their deaths(I headcanoned in my ghost Emmet comic that he couldn’t move on until he knew that Ingo was alright and moving forward, so here the two likely wouldn’t till they both pieced together what happened and got justice for the experiments) watch as time pass and the fusions truly become family. However Ingo senses something is amiss and sure enough Chei is growing weaker. Unlike Agee, Chei is an unstable fusion due to the damage before the experiment. Agee colors dull in these bad conditions but Chei’s body and especially souls struggle to handle it, and start to unravel. Agee refuses to let his buddy die and decide to work with Chei to try to escape. That would’ve been part two. The final part would’ve been Chei and Agee combining their moves(multi train style) to break through the glass and begin and escape. They start breaking out everyone and fighting back the scientists when Chei grows too weak to fight and Agee protects him. Before they can be detained, Rescue arrive with the remaining Pokémon, Pels, and the humans fighting to incapacitate the scientists. Chei is wary around them since trust issues, but Agee is grateful for their help and lifts Chei onto his back to carry him. Once the scientists are defeated. The others help Agee out getting everyone outside where the chimera lays Chei down. The fusion would’ve curled up under a tree with Agee and the others by, leaving it ambiguous if Chei was getting better and healing, or peacefully passing away in a nicer area that wasn’t a cell. The final frame would’ve been the twins, now satisfied the experiments were freed and given justice, walking off into the afterlife together. Not a perfect story but I had fun with it. Now…I did prepare something to give you a nugget anyway:

And here it is! Marshrill design was recently released and as someone who loves and theorize the twins becoming Pokémon, this was certainly up my alley and I had to draw at least a quick sketch. Hopefully it makes up for no huge comic update.

But anyway, final huge props to @raisans-art again and I hope you all still enjoyed this. Thank you all, and have a great rest of your day

#agnst #pokemon #pokemon ingo #submas #art #artists on tumblr #pokémon fanart #submas fanart #chimera emmet au

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rearranging-deck-chairs · 1 year

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If I may, #1 ("Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?" - I am more and more curious about the technobabble you've been posting, haha), #3 ("What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need?") and #18 ("Do any of your stories have alternative versions? [...] Tell us about them.")

1."Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?"

current project is a thasmissy fic (wait do people even know that portmanteau? ive just been using it. yaz/13/missy) set between revolution and flux. it's basically vault times but with 13 and yaz instead of 12 and bill. it's about coming to terms with trauma and coming to terms with your sexuality i think most concisely put. or in other words i think ive put it like it's about "the things we dont want to touch and the things we DO want to touch". heres the video i made of it last year for anyone who hasnt seen it:

youtube

this video took a full month to make and drove me almost insane which makes sense bc editing this fic rn is driving me again insane. just need to finish two more scenes. one of which is the technobabble

it's really fun to do but also takes soooo much time. my favourite tardis wiki page is the tardis components one so im on that a lot, and then ive got a thousand wikipedia pages open about philosophical, linguistic and mathematical concepts and then i try to put words together in a way thats at least superficially a little bit convincing

it's completely incoherent of course but it sounds fun. my browser history looks like this now:

no idea what any of those things actually are <3

3 "What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need?"

honestly i dont think i have a lot of those? i think generally my writing process is just that i write the scene i want to write, and either that turns into the whole fic, or i combine it with other scenes i wanted to write and shuffle then all around for a long time until it resembles something like a story. who needs set up? just jump into the medias of res babey

18 "Do any of your stories have alternative versions? […] Tell us about them."

full stories probably not or maybe there were but i dont remember now. but theres a lot of scenes with alternative versions in this thasmissy fic bc i had to puzzle and recut and rewrite a lot until it made the least bit of sense due to aforementioned "shuffle around until it resembles a story" approach

theres one scene where there was a really clear fork in the road where first i went down one route and then i was like 'oh no i cant do this, it breaks the relationship beyond what i want it to' so i had to go back and take the other path. im still fond of that alternative scene because it was also an interesting one i think

it's a scene between yaz and missy and in the cut version yaz said/did something that sort of cemented their dynamic as an echo of what my interpretation is of vault times thoschei, ie that the doctor keeps the master trapped. half physically half emotionally. because i think the master could leave, the vault or 13's tardis in this fic, but emotionally it's more complicated than that. the power the doctor has over them is that they want the doctor's love, especially missy is super overtly driven by that. the master always is but missy is unashamed and almost unresentful of it i think. missy will say "love me" out loud, basically. "i need my friend back" you know?

and what i had yaz do put missy in that same kind of position she is wrt the doctor. and they both immediately realised that and missy was like "youre just like her" and yaz was like "oh shit i fucked up". it's an interesting scene i think because being like the doctor is what yaz wants, right? and being like the doctor is why missy is drawn to her. but yaz doesnt want to replicate the relationship dynamic of the doctor and the master. she wants to be like the doctor but she also has that I Can Fix Her instinct. and i think with missy that is way more important because missy doesnt need another doctor (even though she also wouldnt be interested in someone who wasnt a little bit the doctor, you know? hi clara. i think 12/missy/clara and 13/dhawan/yaz are like two sides of the same coin. the companion a mirror to both the doctor and the master)

#sorry for Very long answers but thank you for asking <33 #thasmissy

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katharine-hepburn · 2 years

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for book ask: even numbers

ooooo thank you!!

top 5 books of all time? animal dreams by barbara kingsolver, daughter of the flames by zoe marriott, fire by kristin cashore, jane eyre by charlotte bronte, oh god idk...my favorite in high school was the space between by brenna yovanoff

what sections of a bookstore do you browse? i go to classics first to see if theres anything i want to try or that ive liked and want to own. then, i go to history and see if theres anything that seems interesting (usually medieval). lastly, i look at the fantasy, horror and historical fiction sections

what books have you read in the last month? ive been reading all the ya arcs that i never got to when i read ya. this month, ive read the dark days club and reign the earth (i have opinions about both and i can review if anyone wants)

what is the first book you remember reading yourself? comet's nine lives! i don't remember reading before kindergarten, but i remember being confident in reading picture books in kindergarten.

do you have a guilty fav? maybe shadow and bone. theres no real reason to be guilty but i guess wanting alina to be with the darkling wouldnt be good if she was real so thats closest

did you enjoy any compulsory high school readings? yes! animal dreams was a high school summer assigned book. i also really liked the scarlet letter

do you ever mark/dog ear books you own? nope! i remember the page number im on. i don't usually annotate, but i did like doing it for school

how many books have you read this year? not many. ive been trying to read more lately, so the two above might be it for the year...id been rereading some books to gear up for reading new books, i just dont remember when i did that...

do you like historical books? which time period? you know by this point of the post that i do. i really like the 1860s purely for the dresses, but the whole victorian era. i just...am drawn to what disgusts me i guess. i also love the coded way of doing things and the skills you have to have for court. victorian books dont take place at court but i like ones in other periods if they take place at court. i do like trying medieval books, but thats often frustrating. im not sure if there are periods i dont like. maybe anything after 1915

what are things you look for in a book? vampires. no, for real. i also love atmosphere. i look for an authors use of the period in historical books (do the situations come from impetuses that would make sense back then?) and i look for certain priorities in high fantasy (i dont like a fraught narrative of religion if it doesnt like. make sense). mostly i look for a world i want to inhabit for however many hours it takes to read the book!

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wanderingsoul · 1 year

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money and love

i recently saw a podcast clip talking about how we often feel the same about money as we do relationships. if we’re in a scarcity mindset, its most likely affecting these two areas of our lives in similar ways.

my first reaction was to balk at the comparison, knowing that money stresses me out beyond belief and feeling that i’ve “hacked” relationships at this point and they don’t really cause me a lot of anxiety anymore. mostly due to an extreme amount of self-evaluation and need to have everything packed away neatly, but i digress.

ever since i was young, i felt money was something that i always craved but never had enough of. my family grew up poor, and so there was no room for extras or fancy things. my mom says i was cursed with expensive taste, and i actually agree with her. i am drawn to designer clothes and shoes, expensive events and hobbies and really a luxury lifestyle. i started working when i was 13 years old, and from the get-go, i never got into the practice of saving. anything that i made babysitting would be spent at the mall or online within a few weeks or months. my parents would force me to donate money to our church, or a charity every month but that was the only time the money i made was not mine to use entirely. once the pattern was created, it has stayed fairly consistent over the past 10 years, with increasing paychecks, and increasing spending. i’ve paid almost every bill ive had early, and was able to save enough to buy a few cars, and a house, so you would think i would have some sense of security in that. or security in my job, where i make more than the median household income in america. but somehow its never enough. every check is spent paying off student loans and my credit card debt, which is from the last check where i spent more than i made. and i am fully stuck in the cycle. it feels like for years now, at least 1-2 years, that has been my life. bi-weekly stress of paying off bills and loans, and over-drafting my account several times a year. you would think at some point, i would start saying no, learn some impulse control and stop buying things. and some months i do, but most months i don’t. so lets look at the mindset i have when it comes to money, which is “it comes and goes easily”. i say this often mostly joking but truly do feel this way. i am able to make much more than i ever though possible, and am able to afford things and experiences i never thought possible. i hardly every say no to things regardless of the cost because i know i will be able to manage it. i still manage to pay my credit cards off every month so in my mind i am fine. i still stress every single paycheck, every month about money, but also am having the most fun of my life.

when it comes to relationships, i can see some sort of patterns in my early experiences. i really did not have any notable relationships until college, and felt that attention was not something that i got very often. i had been single for a very long time, and did’t care to compete to date someone like most everyone else did. so when i did attach, i would become a bit obsessive. i would think about them all the time, want to spend every waking moment with them, and for the first notable partners, they did not feel the same. but as i’ve matured and expanded my dating pool, i have come to realize that i am the commodity. i am the prize and i can put in fairly minimal effort to get the attention i want. however, the attention that i get is never from someone that i see as an equal, or someone i would consider as a serious partner; it often comes from lonely guys looking for a good time. my mindset is a bit more protective of myself when it comes to dating, i am not going to invest my time in something i know won’t lead to where i want, and when i do invest time into someone, its at my pace, on my timeline, when works for me. i do not chase love, and i truly believe what is meant for me will be for me.

after looking at both areas of my life, i realize that i do have some sort of trust in the universe that i will be taken care of, and i will be able to do achieve all my dreams. but for some reason, that peace doesn’t carry over as easily into money as it does in relationships, even though the stability i have in money is arguably much more than in relationships. i think with money i feel out of control and irresponsible, whereas in relationships i almost always feel in control. i would like to shift my thinking about money away from the scarcity mindset into one of abundance.

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dr3amofagame · 3 years

Text

uhhhh ,, , hi ??

i feel bad bc i havent been here in. LITERALLY forever lmao - hope you guys r all doing good!! ive been working on some stuff but it’s been pretty slow going, and school is also A Thing, so i definitely havent been writing as much as i’d like.

as an apology, have this? really self-indulgent feel-good syndicate + c!dream centric oneshot bc i felt like writing this so u know. why not.

tws: implied torture, abuse, self-harm, disordered eating, starvation mentions, prison arc themes - overall everything’s just blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions, not too much angst here for once! c!sam and c!quackity critical, sorry guys but we r still in the prison arc and they still r on their “fuck human rights” arcs.

Dream leaves.

It’s a surprise - or maybe it isn’t one, Niki isn’t quite sure. She’d never grown to quite trust the man, she knows, and she can’t really tell if the bitter twist of emotion that swells up her chest when Phil comes to her city with the news is betrayal or resignation - what can she say. She’s gotten more than her fair share of broken promises. They don’t exactly faze her anymore.

None of them seem all that surprised, save Techno, who entirely fails to hide the worry that flickers over his face when he calls the Syndicate meeting to officially inform them of what’s going on. She shares quick, careful glances with the other members when his back is turned - despite how many times he’s been burned, Techno still seems so adamant at holding onto every thread, trusting all too easily those who would use and leave him behind without a second glance. He can handle himself, she knows. Still, that’s not going to stop her from slapping Dream upside the head for being yet another worthless person to betray her friend’s forgiving nature.

Nothing much changes in the next few weeks. Niki has to admit, it’s strange without Dream around - he’d not been an ally, much less a friend before dipping completely, but he had been some sort of constant - and Niki is self aware enough to know that she misses him, a little, the same sort of way you might miss an old routine once it’s gone, if only for the familiarity. She still visits Techno and Phil with various baked goods, knowing that Phil would have his hands full just keeping Techno from running himself ragged - makes sure to check on Ranboo, whose nerves have inevitably returned with Dream’s disappearance. To be honest, she doesn’t worry as much as he does - ally or not, she’s spent enough time with the Dream that had left prison to expect that he won’t exactly be able to get himself very far should he come for the four of them, and doesn’t particularly care about he might pull with the rest of the server - if things get bad, she’s sure Phil and Techno will have it handled. She asks Phil, once, what happened, and he shrugs.

“I don’t know, mate,” he heaves a chest to the side, pulling out a stack of stone blocks that Niki gladly holds for him. “One day we woke up and he was just- gone. Everything. Was like he wasn’t ever there at all.”

Niki hums. “Why’d you think he’d do something like that?”

“If I could understand half of why Dream does what he does, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now, would we?” He smiles at her from behind a crate. “Shall we bring these things upstairs and start on dinner?”

Niki laughs, knowing that the conversation about Dream is over. “Of course, Phil.”

Dinner is a welcome distraction; all of them have gotten better at cooking in recent months, between her baking and the veritable library of recipes Phil knows that she’s never even heard of, but Phil is still the only one she really trusts to hold his own behind the stove - Ranboo is still a little too nervous around water, and fire, and much of everything, and though Techno can be a perfectly capable cook, he’s been distracted as of late. She has a strong feeling that left to his own devices, he’d just grab a stack of steak and disappear for another few weeks, searching the server for information.

Honestly, she’s a little thrown off by his behavior - he’d not done anything like this with Tommy, if she remembers right, and had hardly seemed affected by Wilbur’s betrayal on the Sixteenth at all (then again, she was a little too lost in her own head to notice if he was.) She tosses her head over to ask Phil, who’s leaning over a few carrots he’s slicing to throw into the stew he’s making, and the man pauses, frowns.

“From what I know,” he starts, words slow, careful, “they’d spent three months in there together, and the conditions weren’t exactly- stellar. According to what Techno said, I’d assumed they had come to some sort of understanding.” He goes back to the carrots, expression dipping into shadow and out of sight. “Guess I was wrong.”

Niki hums. She can see it, sort of - spending months together with someone, no matter how insufferable, probably would end with some degree of attachment - she thinks back to plotting through sleepless nights with Jack, anger and grief leaving them simmering, crabs in the same pot of boiling water, remembers looking into his dead-eyed gaze and seeing her own stare back - and feels a brief pang of guilt. Besides, Techno is Techno. She’d never met someone so willing to forgive, understand, reach out despite everything that’s happened - for Dream to take advantage of that feels almost too obvious. Of course he would - what were they all thinking?

“He’s Dream,” she says as if that explains everything, flipping open the oven door and feeling a wave of heat blast her face. Phil hums lowly, understanding. “I hope Techno will be alright.”

“He’s tough,” Phil cracks a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “And he has us on his side. He’ll get through.”

Niki opens her mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the front door slamming open. Outside their quaint little cottage, the wind howls - it sounds like the beginning of a blizzard out there, flurries painting the world in a thick blanket of white. In the door, Techno strides into the entrance with loud, decisive movements, shutting the door loud enough to make the walls shake. Inadvertently, Niki finds her eyes drawn to the small pile of snow that he’s tracked into the house - Techno’s usually so careful to kick it all off on the porch, never liked it much when there was a pile of melting ice and snow dampening the floorboards and soaking into his shoes. He huffs harshly, stripping off a snow-dusted scarf from his face - a long, multicolored abomination that had been the product of her attempting to teach Ranboo how to knit. Phil has reached his side, hands splayed over his upper arms, eyes soft in the corners from concern.

“Techno, mate-” his tone is chiding but his movements gentle as he brushes snow off of Techno’s signature cloak, “you’ve gotten snow everywhere. What were you doing, dueling a blizzard?”

Techno shakes his head, not meeting Phil’s banter as usual, fur sticking up from the snow melted into it. His voice is gruff and holds little humor - unconsciously, Niki feels her shoulders tense.

“Phil, call a Syndicate meeting.”

---

Phil, per usual, is unrelenting, so it’s not until a quick dinner and some hurried messages to their final member later that the Syndicate is gathered in their meeting room, Techno pacing the length of the room as they wait in their respective seats. He looks less frazzled than he did when he first entered the house, in part due to Phil’s sitting him down to eat and picking through his fur to smooth it out of its windblown spikes and tangles - Techno had grumbled at him to stop preening him, but looked a lot more relaxed by the time they were all finished with their food. Still, his ear flicks periodically, twitching toward ssome sound that Niki can’t hear, movements tighter and jerkier than she is used to. He’d always been a little flightier after the prison, but not quite like this - everything here feels like that but dialed up to eleven. Inexplicably, it reminds her of Dream.

“Techno?” Phil gestures towards his seat, prompting, and he settles into it with an obliging huff.

“Y’know, Phil, the code names are kinda pointless if we never use ‘em,” he says, words carrying no real heat - he looks back at the rest of them, lips thinning into a line. “Anyway. I called this meeting because I found a couple leads on Dream.”

“O-oh,” Ranboo stutters, tail lashing behind him.

“You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, mate,” Phil reminds him gently, a sentiment that Niki affirms with a determined nod.

“There’ve been some reports- rumors, really,” Techno says, calling their attention again, and they all turn towards him, “of increased activity around the prison again. The Warden spending more time on its grounds, movement seen around the walls and around the portal- so I decided to go check it out for myself.”

Niki frowns, and watches as Phil does the same beside her - Techno had seemed to avoid the prison if he could help it, save for when he went on the initial mission to break Dream out. It was no secret to them that he didn’t exactly like the place.

“We could’ve helped if you asked,” Phil reminds him, and Techno shakes his head.

“I know, Phil. It’s just- that place is bad news. I’d rather keep you guys away from there if I can-” his hand goes to his head with a poorly hidden wince. “Sorry, Chat’s a little- worked up, at the minute.”

“Sorry, we’ll stop interrupting you,” Niki says, cutting off Phil before he says anything else. “So you went to the prison?”

Techno takes a second to gather his thoughts, mumbling quietly in the way that usually means he’s telling off Chat. “Right- I decided to stake out the portal. The rumors were right- Sam has been hanging around there, entered and left the prison four times yesterday. And today-” he hesitates, expression visibly darkening. “This morning, about an hour after the Warden arrived, Quackity came to the prison and went through the portal. He left the grounds about six hours later.”

“Quackity?” Niki frowns, eyes flicking over to how Phil has stilled in his seat. “What is Quackity doing at the prison?”

Phil ignores her question, reaching towards Techno, something indiscernible in his gaze. “Mate…”

“He smelled of blood when he left,” Techno says, words sharp, and Niki feels her heart skip a beat. “Warden left about half an hour after, and I came back here.”

Ranboo clears his throat, sounding tentative. “Okay,” he drums his hand on the table when they turn towards him, eyebrows drawn, “but what, exactly, does this have to do with, uh, Dream?”

Techno and Phil trade glances, one of their bouts of unspoken conversation that Niki’s grown extremely used to. They seem strangely hesitant, she notes internally, Phil looking towards Techno with a question written clearly in the planes of his face. Techno sighs, a long puff of air through his lips as he closes his eyes and turns his face towards the table.

“You know how Dream was- injured,” he starts slowly, looking back up at them. Niki shifts uncomfortably - of course she noticed, it was impossible not to - if not the bandages that peeked under his sleeves and the cuffs of his pants, then how skinny he’d been, all skin and bones curled up uncomfortably in a pile at the corner of Techno’s couch. She’d not know the extent, by any means, and had always assumed that they’d been self-inflicted - she’d been in a bad enough place on her own before to know how your head can make you want to hurt, sometimes, how eating food can feel like choking on sawdust and the world could feel so much smaller when focused into delicate pricks of pain. Phil’s eyes are trained on Techno - on his face, then on the pinkish raised skin of a still-healing scar along his forearm, and she feels understanding settle like a rock in her gut.

“The Warden had apparently been lettin’ Quackity into the cell to torture Dream for the revive book,” Techno trails off, eyes narrowed and seemingly fixed on a random point of the opposite wall. “By the time I go there, it’d been goin’ on for months.”

“But wait,” Ranboo’s tail moves even more erratically behind him, “You mean you think he’s back- there? How?”

“He has to be back in the prison,” Techno points out. “I can’t imagine anyone besides him that the two of them are goin’ to just start torturin’- Sam had been iffy about the whole thing when Quackity started in on me. It has to be Dream in there again.”

“But how did he get in there, then?” Ranboo asks, visibly confused. “Last time it took the entire server to lock him up!”

“There were no signs of a struggle,” Niki points out, matter of fact. “I believe you, Techno, but I don’t really know how they managed to drag him back so easily. I can’t imagine he was jumping at the chance to go back in there.”

Techno shakes his head with an uneasy sigh.

“I have a feelin’ of what might’ve happened,” he says quietly. “And I really hope that I’m wrong and he’s less of an idiot than I think he is.”

---

They set out to investigate - and maybe attack - the next day, Techno and Phil taking on the bulk of preparations as Ranboo stays behind. He’d been understandably uneasy about the whole mission, so they’d left him back by the Syndicate room to set off their pearls in case anything went wrong. (“By the end of the day,” Techno had said, giving Phil a look with the corner of his lip quirked upwards, “don’t be like Phil here and think I meant the end of the month, alright?”) They’d all be supplied with armor and weapons, thanks to Phil, but she’d been handed the bulk of their potions, arranged neatly in her inventory by type in case they’d be needed. She lingers in the back of the room as Phil and Techno chat amiably over the sound of making last minute repairs on their armor, listens to Techno’s ceaseless reminders for Phil to be careful, watches as they make sure that their stasis chambers are properly prepared should they need them.

(She watches as Phil nudges Techno’s shoulder when he lingers behind a certain chair, empty as long as she’s been part of the Syndicate, the fountain behind it bubbling quietly without a pearl inside. Techno sighs, expression strange.

“Should’ve set him up with one,” he says, quiet, and Phil pats him on the back.

“You couldn’t have known, mate. We wanted to wait a little before telling him about the Syndicate, remember?”

Techno hums, noncommittal. “Still.”)

They Nether travel to the site of Techno’s lookout, which ends up being a little shambling thing with dirt walls dug into a small hill looking towards the prison portal, having hardly enough space to fit the three of them. Phil looks at it with no small amount of apprehension, and Techno shrugs lightly, wearing an expression that makes Phil turn to him with a look that makes Niki break into giggles. Techno crosses his arms- “in my defense-” and Phil looks up at the dirt ceiling with a long-suffering sigh.

“You couldn’t have made this a little roomier, mate?” Phil asks, voice dry as kindling, and Techno raises his hands by his head.

“Hey hey, it’s discreet, it gets the job done, it’s perfectly structurally sound-” the sound of the leftmost wall crumbling, along with the cloud of dust that puffs from it and fills their tiny space, undermines the tail end of his statement and leaves him sputtering, Niki falling into another fit of quiet giggles. Underneath it all, Phil sighs again, raising his wings behind him.

“...these are going to take so long to clean out.”

To his credit, Techno looks sheepish. “Sorry, Phil.”

They sober up quickly; Techno turns around to the opposite side of the hill, where he’s hidden some peepholes inside the dirt - Niki settles herself by one, leaning forwards to put her eye to it and catch a glimpse of the prison looming over the water. It’s been repaired since the breakout, she notes, the gaping hole in the roof completely gone and replaced with obsidian, as intimidating and undamaged as it had been before, if not more so. Phil makes a considering sound from behind her.

“Same plan as last time?” He asks, and Techno shakes his head.

“They’ve probably reinforced it, and Dream’s blueprints won’t include anything new the Warden’s added. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved Dream to a different location completely. We don’t want to draw too much attention, either, we were cutting it pretty close during the breakout.” He narrows his eyes. “I was thinking we’d try something a little stealthier, this time. “

He gestures at Niki, who blinks back at him with wide eyes.

“You got a couple of invis potions for us?”

She distributes the potions among them all, one regular and two splash potions of invisibility each, and Techno points towards the prison once she’s done.

“The most important thing is to get through the portal,” he says with a grim expression. “Worst comes to worst, once we’re inside we can always blast our way through - but gettin’ through that portal is our first priority.”

Phil narrows his eyes at him. “The portal is locked, though. We’ll need to follow someone else inside- and I’m pretty sure Sam uses pearls, so he’s out.”

Techno nods. “Which is why I’m bankin’ on the prison gettin’ another visitor today. We’ll just have to wait.”

Niki swallows. “Do you mean-”

“Quackity?” Techno turns away, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’m not totally sure, but he’s not exactly the type to just give up on his goals. He’s pretty predictable- an empire needs an emperor, always needs something new to rule- you know the type,” he says, tipping his head towards Phil. “He’ll be mad at Dream for disappearin’ on him and won’t miss the opportunity to prove he has the upper hand again. I’m not sure that he’s going to come today-”

“-but you wouldn’t really be surprised, either,” Phil finishes for him, eyes steely with cold determination. “I trust your judgement, mate. Just stay safe- from what I’ve heard, Quackity has been...erratic.”

“When is he not,” Techno huffs a short laugh, shaking his head. “I’ll be fine, Phil. Just be careful, both of you. Don’t get too close. And if things get messy- which is what we’re tryin’ to avoid, by the way- then don’t do anything too risky. Our priority is gettin’ in and out alive.”

“We can handle ourselves, Techno,” Niki reminds him with a small smile. “And Ranboo is there in case anything goes wrong.”

“Alright, then. Here’s the plan.”

---

It takes quite a long time for Quackity to arrive, long minutes that Niki spends fidgeting in the corner of the room, brushing her hands over seams of the netherite plates that Phil had shoved into her hands, back at the Syndicate room. The set is inexplicably light - not weightless, by any means, as it is still netherite, but not nearly as bulky as any set of netherite armor she’s owned or seen in the past. The runes are precise, lines thin and exact, written with graceful strokes of lapis.

“Phil’s the best metalworker I’ve ever met,” Techno tells her with a small grin, catching her in the middle of tracing what she can make out as an Unbreaking rune along the metal strapped to her forearm. “But then again, he’s had the time to practice.”

“Are you calling me old again?” Phil huffs, and Techno flashes a smile her direction before looking at Phil with a slight grin.

“Well, Chat is,” he says, lips twitching when Phil glares back.

“You can’t just blame Chat every time you insult me, you little shit,” Phil groans, and Techno only grins wider.

“Phil, my ad revenue,” he complains, a dramatic lilt to his voice that has Niki stifling a snort, and Phil’s glare only grows deadlier.

“You’ll have more than your ad revenue to worry about if you keep this up,” he mumbles, going back to keep watch at one of the peepholes and stilling as he does. “Shit- Techno, Quackity’s here.”

Techno straightens up, hindered slightly by the low ceiling of their room. “Alright- we all know the plan, right?”

Niki nods in the affirmative, pulling out a splash invis and letting it settle in her hand, the glass cool beneath her fingertips. She reaches into her inventory and lets her armor fade into it, takes a deep breath and watches as the two across from her do the same. She doesn’t wear armor often, but so close to the prison, feeling mining fatigue settling deep into her bones - she’s never missed the security it offers more. Techno keeps watch, waiting- drops his arm in a signal. Now.

Niki throws the potion at their feet, flinching back at the sound of shattering glass and feeling its effects seep into her skin. When she opens her eyes, she can’t see anything but the inside of the room that they’d holed themselves in and the faintest of wisps rising from where their feet must be, curling around the grass.

(Please let this work, she begs to no one in particular as they walk towards the prison. And if you can hear me- please keep us all safe.)

She hardly breathes as they follow Quackity across the path, holding someone’s hand in her own - Phil’s, by the feel of it - careful to muffle her footsteps in the grass and stand still whenever Quackity’s eyes come a little too close. Thankfully for them, he seems focused, hardly stopping or looking around at all as he walks towards the prison’s portal, movements stiff as he walks forward. He punches the button on the wall particularly harshly, and Sam’s voice comes crackling through a speaker a second later.

“I’m here for my visit,” Quackity says, punctuating the sentence with a snort of laughter that doesn’t sound particularly sincere. Niki hasn’t seen him in a long while, not after everything that happened in Pogtopia, and she feels a chill worm down her spine - this man looks nothing like the one that had laughed and danced and sung at her birthday party what feels like an eternity ago. What happened?

Sam sighs, the sound turning into a sharp burst of static through the speakers. “Hello Quackity,” he says, voice deep and tired. “Please step into the portal after I tell you to and then wait on the other side.”

“I know the drill, Sam,” Quackity rolls his eyes. “Just because the bastard was gone for a few weeks doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how this damn place works.”

“Just going through protocol, Quackity,” Sam replies, and something about this response has Quackity exploding into a brief fit of laughter, the sound grating against Niki’s ears. She feels her grip tighten on Phil’s hand, air caught in her throat.

“Protocol- ha. Whatever you wanna tell yourself, pal.” Quackity smiles, cold and cruel, and Niki tries not to think about how she’d seen that same grin on Wilbur, eyes sparkling from the light of the lanterns hung from the bridges and walls of their ravine, remember how she’d looked into them and realized her old friend wasn’t there, anymore. Quackity disappears into the portal, and after a second, the hand around her own pulls her inside of it too.

On the other side, Quackity taps his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and waiting- Sam’s voice comes through the speakers again, words clipped.

“Go through the portal,” he says, and Quackity does- once again, they wait for a second for his body to disappear, then go within it themselves, pressed close enough together within its frame for Niki to feel the warmth of a wing wrap around her shoulders for a quick second before they’re out of the hot, stifling air of the Nether and into a large, neatly made lobby of blackstone and quartz. They duck into a corner, watching as Quackity moves towards the front counter, the Warden waiting there with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks- tired. His movements are slow, footsteps loud against the floor, shoulders tense and back hunched. He walks around the counter, sword strapped to his belt, and Niki feels her breath hitch at the sight of dried blood still stuck to the blade in patches and splatters.

“He ready?” Quackity asks, holding his hands out - Niki catches a flash of metal as Sam drops something into them, watches as Quackity raises what ends up being a pair of shears, dangerous-looking and gleaming with enchants, to the light.

“Yes,” Sam says, side-eyeing Quackity with a small glare. “You know, it’s supposed to be your job to clean those things off when you’re done with them.”

“I told you, busy day back in Las Nevadas yesterday,” Quackity waves a hand- “I’ll do it, alright? Don’t get all pissy now. What happened to being partners?”

“You said we’d be done with this months ago, Quackity,” Sam sighs, and Niki feels a light tug on her arm as Quackity and Sam begin to walk towards the wall to the right of them, breathes in slow and deep as she follows Techno and Phil towards the others. The wall yawns open with the hiss of redstone firing and pistons pulling blocks upwards, opening into a dark hallway that feels like entering the maw of some sort of giant, insatiable beast. They step inside as one, and the door shuts behind them.

“We’ll be done soon enough,” Quackity says, and Niki feels hairs rising on the back of her neck. “Trust me.”

They stalk forwards through a labyrinth of blackstone, Niki brushing the palms of her hand against her clothes when it goes clammy from adrenaline. Halfway through, she pauses to tip back a second potion of invisibility, careful to keep her movements slow and steady as not to make a sound - the liquid is silvery, cool and light on her tongue, and she lets the effects wash over her with her breath caught in her lungs before moving forward. The tunnels are simpler than she’d expected, bearing little obstacles or checkpoints - Quackity makes a wry comment a second after (“Guard tunnels today, huh? Appreciate the hustle, pal-”) that confirms her suspicions. Despite the potion particles still whirling around their bodies and the sounds of their footsteps, too loud in her own ears, they manage to make it forwards without much trouble, entering a large room with a doorway filled completely with a curtain of lava.

“Set your spawn,” Sam says, still stoic, and Quackity rolls his eyes again before doing as told. Niki keeps looking back at the lava flowing past the wall, its heat filling the room and making her already slick palms even worse, and Sam moves to the side to flick a lever, eyes trained on the lava slowly bubbling in front of him.

“Give me your tools?” Quackity asks, and Sam sighs before doing so - Niki watches as he hands over a netherite axe, then potions, then a few raw potatoes that Quackity accepts and puts into his inventory. Sam raises an eyebrow once he’s done, hand tight around the handle of his trident.

“You bring your own sword, today?” He asks, seeming irritated, and Quackity shrugs.

“Sorry pal, I need to make a new one. Guess I’m borrowing yours again.”

Sam sighs again, louder, and hands over his sword as well, watching as Quackity swings it a few times experimentally. The blade skims a little too close to her on one swing and she can’t quite help the squeak that escapes her lips as she throws herself out of the way, feels her heart hammer in her ears as she backs up against the wall. Please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that-

“Quackity, wait.” Sam raises a hand, ear twitching as he looks over in her direction with narrowed eyes. “I think I heard something.”

Oh fuck.

“Well, guess show’s up then,” Techno drawls, and both of them whirl towards his voice, giving Niki enough time to pull her armor back on, scrambling to get her sword and shield in her hands as Phil does the same besides her. Pieces of armor appear where Techno is standing, then a bucket of milk- oh, why must her friends be so dramatic- and Techno’s standing there, smiling sharply, with Orphan Obliterator held loosely at his side. “Let’s get this done, then.”

As one, Techno and Phil blur into action - Techno moves forward to catch the prongs of Sam’s trident on his blade as Phil parries Quackity’s blows with his own sword- they move fluidly, easily covering each other’s backs as the room devolves into chaos. Niki remembers their guidance as she flits in and out of the fight, scoring quick hits to keep the Warden and Quackity off balance while remaining out of range from their weapons, and it’s not long before both of them have fallen with a spray of items and experience orbs scattered all over the floor.

Techno moves over to block off the exposed face of the bed with a block, looking over at the two of them with an uncharacteristically severe expression. “They’ll be back soon- we have to move fast. Niki, you have those fire res, right?”

She nods as she reaches into her inventory, finding the potion’s orange-pink glow and smashing it at their feet. They dive into the lava together, Niki scrambling to keep up, her arms struggling to move through the thick lava, loses sight of both until she flails into something directly in front of her and hands are pulling her up out of the lava.

“There you go, mate,” Phil smiles down at her as hauls herself to her feet, making a face at the feeling of the lava clinging to her clothes. “Yeah, swimming through lava isn’t exactly fun. You good?” She flashes him a thumbs up, and he laughs- “Niki, you’re still invisible.” She flushes pink- right.

A few sips of milk later, she gives him a proper thumbs up, and he laughs, loud and bright. She looks past him to where Techno’s crouched over something- someone, she realizes with a start, in the corner. Dream’s back in prison clothes, ragged and ill-fitting, and he’s curled up with his back towards the front of the cell, shaking enough to be obvious even from where she’s standing. Techno speaks lowly, voice barely more than a deep rumble in the air, almost inaudible.

“You there, Dream?”

She watches as Dream turns his head, looking up with wide, bleary eyes. His hair flops in front of his face, and something within her itches to brush it out of the way. “T-Techno?”

“Yeah nerd, who else?” Techno smiles, and Dream seems to blink awake, drawing himself up with a shuddery breath.

“Techno- it’s a trap- what are you doing here?” he hisses, and Techno gives him a look, deadpan.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a trap- come on, Dream, we’ve been over this by now, bro. You have to know that their traps aren’t goin’ to do anything to me by now,” Techno rolls his eyes, reaching forward to steady his hands on Dream’s shoulders when the other man sputters and struggles to breathe. “Easy, now. Geez, you wanted to prove me wrong about being homeless bad enough that you came back here? We could’ve just made you a house, you know. You didn’t have to go this far.”

“I- they were gonna kill you,” Dream breathes, face twisted up uncomfortably, and his eyes flick past Techno’s face to where Phil and Niki are standing at the opposite wall of the cell. “All of you- they said-”

“And that’s what I thought you’d say,” Techno groans. “Come on, you idiot, I thought you were smarter than this-”

“They were right there, Techno!” Dream fires back, eyes alight. “You- they were right there, what were you thinking, they could’ve-!”

“And my best friend is a necromancer, remember?” Techno shakes his head. “Come on, Dream- Sam and Quackity? You know we can handle them in a fight, especially when you can just revive us if anything goes wrong. You don’t have to do this whole self-sacrifice thing, bro- there’s only so many times I can break into the same prison, y’know.”

“You’re so stupid,” Dream huffs, but he leans in anyway, head just barely settling against Techno’s shoulder. “I- I can’t believe. You’re so dumb.”

“Hey, don’t be sayin’ that to the guy that’s breakin’ you out of prison,” Techno laughs, slinging Dream over his shoulder with an easy motion and laughing harder when it makes him yelp. “That’s just bein’ ungrateful. You’re making Chat sad, man, and when they’re sad they don’t subscribe-”

“I regret this entirely,” Dream says, voice muffled against Techno’s shirt, tone completely flat. “Put me down- you idiot- I’m staying here. You’re worse than Quackity.”

“Rude. Now you’ve really made Chat mad. I demand an apology-”

“Boys, boys.” Niki can’t help giggling, watching the way their gazes snap towards her, rolling her eyes as she moves forward with a few potions held loosely in her hand. “Dream, do you want a health pot?”

Dream seems to deliberate for a second, before nodding at her, expression slightly strained. “...sure.”

“You two can finish your argument after we’ve broken out of the biggest maximum security prison on the server,” Phil drawls from behind her, arms crossed at his chest. “Come on, now, before Sam gets back.”

“Isn’t this the only maximum security prison on the server?” Techno asks aloud, an amused expression on his face - one that only gets worse when Phil glares at him with one ice-blue eye.

“Shut-” he sighs, shaking his head. “You two are chaotic little shits, you know that?”

“Don’t compare me to him, Phil,” Techno complains, Dream mirroring his words with muffled protests of his own, and Phil breathes another drawn-out, long-suffering sigh as he rubs at the bridge of his nose.

“Niki, give us some fire res please?”

She finds the potion bottle between giggles, throwing it to the ground as she tries to choke down the laughter rapidly bubbling up her throat. “Of course, Phil.”

She looks back at Techno and Dream before jumping into the lava, the two of them once again lost in some sort of argument, Dream draped over Techno’s shoulder. He’s breathing easier now, she notes, and Techno looks looser too - a little less tense, leaning back with a perpetual quirk to the corner of his lip as they fire insults back and forth. This is familiar, she recognizes with a soft twist in her chest, the same way that Phil and Techno can finish each other’s sentences and look at each other with laughing eyes sharing the same memories of the past, the same way Ranboo watches Techno’s every step as he adjusts his stance and lifts his sword and Techno laughs and calls him a main character in turn, the same way she and Phil will settle together on the porch over cups of tea and sit at each other’s sides for hours. The rhythm between them is one well-established, the road well-worn - she imagines them, huddled in this dingy cell for months together, and breathes in slow and deep.

“Come on,” she smiles, making sure to keep it on her face when Dream meets her eyes with wide, startled ones of his own. Dream still isn’t an ally, and isn’t a friend.

But - she watches as he smiles back, something inexplicably warm in her chest - maybe, one day, he could be.

#tw torture #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw disordered eating #tw ed #tw sh #prison arc #pandora's vault #tw starvation #c!sam critical #c!quackity critical #my writing :D #> my writing

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