#tmnt brothers

[camilieroart]

COLORCODED TMNT ITERATION

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt leo #tmnt leonardo #tmnt donnie #tmnt donatello #tmnt raphael #tmnt raph #tmnt mikey #tmnt michelangelo #camilieroart #tmnt brothers #colorcoded #tmnt colorcoded #tmnt iteration #tmnt au #colorcoded au

[truths33k3r4]

The Mutation Situation Comic Dub ~ Part 2

FINALLLLLLLYYYYYYY!!!!!!

This... took.... FOREVER to finally get to recording, ( nearly three weeks ), but MANNN was it worth it!!! Thank you for all of you guys’ patience!! Really appreciate it!!

@indieyuugure gets all the credit for the art and comic itself, while I lent my voice acting and editing. :) Epidemic Sound covered the music and sound effects!

To God be the glory! ~ Melissa

#youtube #tmnt #tmnt comic #tmnt comic dubs #comic dubs #dubs #Mutation Situation #tmnt brothers #human tmnt

[tworoadsandapenny]

What You Wish For: Chapter 9. Patience

Not much to say about this one. Just lots of angst. What else is new?

~*~*~*~*~*~

The old cabin stairs creaked beneath his feet, his heavy footsteps weighed down by the grief on his shoulders.

Four hours. And not a word. Not a single word.

It’s not that he was expecting a long heart to heart, Casey knew better than that. He knew Raph, much like himself, would rather punch out his feelings than speak them. But when they were down—when the anger wouldn’t settle and the violence wasn’t enough—they’d always talk it out. Only with each other. Because they understood. They were of the same blood. The same mind. The same unquenchable rage.

Brothers to their core.

And it wasn’t about the words. Honestly, Casey wouldn’t be surprised if Raph didn’t speak at all for a good week. It’s just how they dealt with pain. But Raph hadn’t just been silent, he’d been absent. Entirely blank. Not angry, not vengeful, not… anything. Four hours Casey sat in that room, watching his friend glare at nothing, teeth chattering and body shivering, and not once did he look like he even knew where he was.

He was just… gone.

And Casey didn’t know what else he could do.

A few years back, when he’d found out his dad was running with the Purple Dragons, he’d clammed up too. Went on numerous violent thug-bashing sprees that would put Chuck Norris to shame. And Raph had been there through all of it. Didn’t ask questions, didn’t force him to talk it out or find less violent means of escape, just let Casey blow off steam. And two days in, Casey finally spoke. Spilled his guts to his best friend as they sat on that roof and cleaned the blood from their weapons. And all Raph said was “You need a beer.” and handed one over. And that was that.

Raph knew how to let Casey vent without feeling any… less for it.  And Casey gave the same comfort in return. He knew. ‘Cause Raph would come to him anytime he was angry. Anytime he felt he’d failed or him and Leo were fighting…

Anytime.

But now…

Casey sighed as he reached the bottom of the stairs. Maybe Raph just needed more time. Maybe he needed to be alone. Maybe he needed to go out and pummel a few (hundred) drug dealers and bank robbers to work through the mess going on inside. But whatever he needed, wherever Raph was… Casey couldn’t reach him.

The thought dropped like a weight on his gut.

“Casey.”

Blinking back to reality, Casey registered Splinter’s voice and rubbed the back of his neck. “It ain’t good, Splinter. He ain’t…” Casey needed something to hit. “I got a blanket ‘round him to help warm him up, but I don’t think he’ll be eating any time soon.” Splinter’s face was impassable, but Casey could tell that wasn’t news he wanted to hear. “He needs space. Just… give him some room for a while. He’ll come around.” Eventually. Hopefully.

Without thinking about where he was going, Casey found himself in the kitchen, watching April wash dishes that looked like they were already clean. He came behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and breathed her in.

“Casey,” She let him hold her for a moment, leaning into his body and putting down her dishcloth. After listening to several long, deep sighs, she didn’t even need to ask. “That bad.”

Casey rested his temple on the crown of her head, closing his eyes and holding her closer. “Yeah.”

“He’s hurting. More than he ever has before.” April could feel Casey’s guilt radiating like a stoked fire. “He knows you’re here. That’s enough for now.”

“No, it ain’t.” The tall vigilante stepped back so April could face him, his arms still around her waist. “It’s times like this I’m supposed to know what to do. How to help. And I got nothin’.” Another sigh blew past his lips as his fists ached to curl and pound the table. What he wouldn’t give for something to throw right now. “He’s… He’s my best bud, Red. My brother. He’s been there for me through everything: all the crap my dad threw at us, everything that happened with my sister, he even snuck into a busy hospital just to visit me when Shred-head shot me a few years back.”

April nearly shuddered. “I remember…”

“He’s been there for all of it. Fightin’ with me and helping me sort through it all. And now he’s the one who needs a friend, and I… I can’t think of a single thing to do.”

April drew closer, her arms wrapping around Casey’s neck in a firm hug as she listened to him speak.

“He’s gone red. Leo’s gone. And I think he might have taken Raph with him.”

Hearing the break in Casey’s voice snapped something in April’s chest. She pulled from the hug just enough to be face to face with him, a hand to his cheek to draw his eyes to hers. “We’ll get through this, Casey. All of us. I know we will. Raph will come around eventually. Until he does, all we can do is be here and be ready to help in any way we can.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Casey cast his eyes downward. She was right, he knew it, but it didn’t feel like enough. “I just wish there was more we could do. I wish… I wish Leo…”

“I know.” April sighed, resting her head on his chest. “Me too.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Taking the sword in his hands with a feather’s touch, Splinter smoothed his hand down the length of the hilt, feeling every knick and scratch. His eyes closed of their own accord, attempting to hold in the memories threatening to send him into yet another fit of grief. He breathed deep.

“They had it on display in their base like a trophy.” Mikey’s quiet tone held no anger or resentment. Only innocent disbelief. “We tried to sneak it out, but one of the Dragons said something about Leo, and…” He glanced at Raph. “Things got out of hand.”

Raph didn’t say a word, boring a hole in the ground with his unblinking stare.

“I still don’t understand how they got it. Did we leave it on the roof?” That night had become a haze, a thick fog that Don didn’t dare enter for fear of what he’d be forced to see. Again.

Mikey felt the same way. “I can’t remember.”

All eyes landed on Raph. He was still the only one who knew what happened that night. And he still refused to talk about it.

“Raphael.”

Splinter barely got the name out before his son stood and began storming towards the door.

But Don wasn’t letting him get away that easily. He ran ahead, blocking the doorway. “Nuh-uh. You don’t get to just walk away. Not again. Not after what you did tonight.” He watched Raph’s hands curl into fists as he seethed out a breath.

“Move.”

“No.” Don could see the veins bulge from his brother’s wrists as his fingers curled tighter into his palm, but he was still unwilling to move. “You can’t keep avoiding us like this. We deserve to know what happened that night. We deserve to know how our brother died!”

Raph went rigid. “Don’t.”

But Don wouldn’t stop. “You owe us, Raph!”

Couldn’t.

“Owe you!?”

“You owe us for running off tonight!”

“I don’t owe you sh—!”

“You owe us for running off then, too!”

“Don, don’t—!” But Mikey was too late.

“You owe us for getting our brother killed!”

The words rang out in the room like a cathedral bell, hanging in the air and daring someone else to speak. He couldn’t take them back. He didn’t mean them. Did he? He couldn’t blame his brother for what happened… and yet every fibre of his being screamed he should. And Don was far too angry to listen to anything else.

Raphael hadn’t moved. His hands were balled tight, his arms flexed and poised to attack, and his shoulders were practically hunched to his ears. But he didn’t moved.

The silence only brought Don’s rage to a tipping point. Why wasn’t Raph saying anything!? Why didn’t he just tell them what happened!? Why did he have to be so damn stubborn about every—

It was quick. Blink and you would have missed it. But for a moment Don saw it. The pain. The raw, gut-wrenching, nauseating, pain. It streaked through Raph’s eyes like a flash of lightning, covered so quickly with anger that Don thought he must have been making it up.

But the way his own anger suddenly curled in on itself and died, he knew he hadn’t. Raph really was feeling all that. Potently. Constantly.

Don had never felt regret come on so strongly.

“That is enough.” Splinter finally interjected, his hope that his children would talk out their anger and restore peace being dashed with their last words. “My sons, we cannot go on like this. If we are to survive this loss, we must come together and help each other in our grief, not blame one another for it.” He handed Michelangelo the katana and placed a paw on each of his elder son’s shoulders. “Donatello,”

But Donnie was already trying to walk back his words. “I… Raph, I’m—“

An elbow to his side had Don faltering out of the doorway as Raph stormed passed him, stalking away to his room and slamming the door shut with enough force to rattle the walls of the lair.

Splinter knew it unwise to follow. He would allow his son time to calm and focus on the wounds of his younger children. “Donatello,”

“I know... I shouldn’t have…” Don blew out a remorseful sigh. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…” a sob caught in his throat and it was all he could do just to keep himself from collapsing into tears then and there. He cleared his throat. “I know it’s not his fault. It’s just… if he’d stayed with us, this never would have happened. Leo never would have had to go after him. He’d still be… He wouldn’t have…” Don closed his eyes, overwhelmed with the emotions warring over his mind.

“My son,” Both paws reached up to grasp his son’s tall shoulders, attempting to comfort, not reprimand. “Anger is an unavoidable part of grief. But you cannot let it drive you away from those who love you.”

“I…” Don stared out the door, guilt written all over his face. “…What do I do? How do I let it go?”

Splinter paused a moment before glancing at his youngest son, who remained silent in the corner with an innocent hurt on his face. Like a child caught between to warring parents. “Michelangelo. With me.” He held out his hand, waited for it to be taken, then led his son to the door.

Don watched his father walk away forlornly. “Sensei?”

“Allow yourself to feel it, my son. We will be waiting when you are ready. As long as it takes.” With that, he closed the door.

Donatello stared after them, unable to understand what his father was getting at. Feel what? What was he supposed to feel? He felt nothing. Nothing but anger and bitterness and…

He thought of Leo, his lifeless body lying prone on the roof, drenched in his own blood.

A whine bubbled at the back of his throat.

He thought of Raph, how inconsiderate and dangerous his actions were, and how he’d almost lost him tonight. How he might have just pushed him away for good.

Nausea stirred in his stomach.

He thought of Leo, the worry in his face when he’d found out Raph had left.

He held his breath to keep a sob in.

Leo, sitting by the desk, speaking words of encouragement to keep Don from giving up on his latest project.

Tears welled in his eyes.

Leo, slinging Don’s arm around his shoulders and carrying him to safety during a mission gone wrong.

He couldn’t…

Leo, knocked to the dojo floor by a new move Don had been practicing and smiling at how proud he was to see Don improving.

Keep them…

Leo, reading a book in his spot on the couch and smiling a greeting when Don walked in the room.

In.

A mournful cry ripped from hiss throat, bellowing through the room. He gripped his head, fell to his knees, and wept, all the pain and anger flowing out of him in droves.

Wept for the brother he’d lost.

Wept for the brother he’d hurt.

Wept for the family, the home, the life that would never be again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Raph…” Mikey uttered his brother’s name brokenly, his heart heavy at what had happened. As he walked towards the living room, he couldn’t help spy up to Raph’s room. “Shouldn’t we go talk to him, Sensei?”

“Give him time. Approaching your brother now would only drive him further away.”

“But… it wasn’t his fault. We don’t blame him. He should know that…”

Splinter could feel the worry twisting knots in his son’s stomach and draped an arm over his shoulders, prompting Mikey to wrap around his torso in a deep hug.

 The young turtle sighed sadly, breathing in the smell of his father’s robe. “He only got hurt tonight because he was protecting me. If anything, Don should be mad at me.”

“Anger does not always follow logic, my son. Donatello’s anger runs deeper than tonight’s events.”

Mikey nodded. He understood Don’s anger… he’d felt it too when they were at the farmhouse. Felt a cruel resentment toward Raph that only faded because of a moment of pain he’d witnessed two months ago. But it was unfair. Just because Raph was the last one to see Leo alive, didn’t mean he was to blame. Mikey couldn’t help but wonder, if it’d been him with Leo on that roof—if he’d been the one to see it all happen—what would he be feeling now?

“Sensei… are we going to be okay?” What if Don never forgave Raph? What if they stayed mad at each other forever? What if Raph ran off again and Mikey wasn’t able to—

A loud anguished cry suddenly echoed through the halls. Mikey turned toward the closed med-room door. His heart was practically lurching from his chest with the desire to run and hug his brother tight. “Sensei—“

“It’s alright, my son.” Splinter stroked Mikey’s head in calming circles. “Your brother is finally allowing himself to feel his loss. We must give him time.”

The continued bellow of agony sent shivers through Mikey’s spine. “But shouldn’t we be with him? Does he have to do it alone?”

“Sometimes that is the only way pain will appear. When we are alone and unhampered by others expectations.” And as much as it pained him to be distant while hearing his son in such agony, he knew this was what Donatello needed most of all.

Permission to feel. To grieve. Away from the eyes of everyone he was so terrified of disappointing.

“But…”

“He knows we are here, Michelangelo. And when he is ready, he will seek comfort. Until then…”

“Patience and faith.” Mikey finished. He’d heard the speech before. It was practically Sensei’s motto. And while it didn’t make hearing Don cry alone any less painful, it was something to hold onto that gave him purpose. He would wait. He would hope. And he’d be ready when his brother needed him. “…What about Raph?”

Splinter closed his eyes a moment, gathering his thoughts as he tried not to let the tormented wails from the other room cloud his mind. “Raphael needs time. He is not yet ready to face his pain.”

Mikey didn’t like that answer. “Isn’t there anything we can do?”

Pulling away slightly, Mikey found his father staring at him with a look that was almost… pleading. “Michelangelo,” Even his tone had changed. Mikey swallowed thickly as he listened. “Your brother is going to avoid this pain as long as he can. And in doing so, he is going to try and push away those who remind him of it.  The best thing you can do for him is remain steadfast. When the anger fades and the pain sets in—and it will eventually—he is going to need you to help keep him together. To remind him he is not alone.” Splinter gave his shoulder a light squeeze. “Are you willing to do that?”

Splinter sounded almost… worried. Mikey blinked. He couldn’t believe his father even needed to ask. “Hai, Sensei.”

Anything for his brothers. Anything.

“I’ll be here.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Gusting winds had picked up outside the barn, snaking through the cracks and slivers of the old wood. Every gust creaked the boards, raising an eerie chorus of ghostly groans.  Mikey shivered through his blanket. “It’s almost like a horror film. You know those ones where the teenagers get stuck in some creepy old mansion in the middle of nowhere and are picked off one-by-one by some crazy guy in a mask.” Another squeal of creaking wood echoed through the barn, but Mikey kept his eyes forward. On the black bag. Waiting for a reply. “I know, I know, you hated those movies. You’d always point out the zillion ways they could have escaped if they’d just “analyzed the situation properly”. Or list off the ninjitsu moves they could have used to defeat the enemy. Or how unrealistic the whole plot was in the first place. But you know what I think? I think you secretly enjoyed them.” He cocked his brow up to a coy perch. “Oh yeah! I know you got really into them. You even got scared by one of them! It was on my birthday four years ago when you let me pick the movie after the party, and since I’d just turned twenty-one, I wanted to prove I was old enough to watch the scariest movie of them all—The Ring, obviously—and we all got so freaked out we couldn’t watch movies for a week. I saw your face, you even closed your eyes at one point!” He paused, then nodded his head. “Yes you did.” Paused again, nodding at the bag. “Yes you did, I saw! You started whispering things under your breath to remind yourself it wasn’t real. AND you were the first one to suggest we not watch movies for a while.” Mikey shook his head, a sliver of a smile splitting his lips. “That was so not for our own good, it was because you were scared.” He waited. “Were too!”

A large gust of wind battered the barn, sending up another refrain of creaks and moans.  Mikey still stared at the bag in front of him.

“That’s not the only time we’ve seen him scared.”

Mikey blinked, pulling himself from his own thoughts to look up and see Donatello finding a seat opposite him, also draped in a blanket and looking down at the black bag.

“You should drink that before it gets cold.”

A blink of confusion had Don pointing to Mikey’s right, where a steaming cup of tea sat perched beside him. When had Don put that there? Mikey nodded in acknowledgement, but didn’t touch the cup. “What else have we seen that scared him?”

“Not movies, I meant real life. Leo got scared all the time.”

“He did not. Name a time you actually saw him scared—I mean really scared—and it can’t be when we were kids.”

“When we first faced Shredder.” Mikey nearly shuddered at the memory. “He didn’t look it, but his hand trembled slightly until Sensei showed up. Or that time you nearly had your shell knocked off by Tiger Claw.”

Mikey thought a moment. “What about that time you were turned in a giant rage monster? Or when Sensei was taken over by Rat King and attacked us.”

“See, he’s been scared a lot over the years.”

“Yeah, but only for us.” Mikey’s eyes fell back to the bag. “When it came to us, he was a baby! He’d freak out any time we even came close to getting hurt on a mission. But he was never scared for himself. Or at least, never showed it…”

“He’d probably say something about a leader not being allowed to fear for himself.”

“Probably.”

The barn walls ached, moaning against the constant attacking wind. And yet Mikey couldn’t hear any of it. Could only hear the rain. The rain that had been pouring on that roof, washing away Leo’s blood. Washing away his life.

“I wonder… I wonder if he was scared on that roof…” He fidgeted with his blanket. “If he knew he was going to… going to…” A lump caught in his throat. “What if that was the last thing he felt?” His words were barely audible, whispered in fear of actually hearing an answer.

But Don heard them clear as an ear-piercing scream.

He waited for the nausea to pass, swallowing back bits of bile as he closed his eyes. “He wasn’t alone. Raph was with him.”

Mikey’s eyes drooped as he held his blanket closer to himself, knuckles gripping it tight enough to pale. “Yeah…”

Raph was with him. Raph dug the grave.

It was all thanks to…

Raph.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Previous < - > Next

I try to base most of the memories in this story on actual events from the comics and show (albeit loosely) and Casey being shot was a big event that happened right before Leo was kidnapped and brainwashed by Shredder to become a Foot soldier. It happens to be one of my favourite issues.

As always, comment if you find anything confusing, if you please.

End of Line.

-TRAaP

#tmnt #tmnt fanfiction #tworoadsandapenny #traap #tmnt 2003 #tmnt bayverse #tmnt 2012 #tmnt donatello #tmnt raphael #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt splinter #tmnt april #tmnt casey jones #angst #hurt/comfort #tmnt brothers #what you wish for #patience

[forgetful-nerd]

If these two ever met they’d probably annoy the shit out of each other in a sorta older “responsible” sibling vs. younger “wild card” sibling way.

#they’d actually really care about one another #but Rise! Leon would claim the ‘cool Leo’ title so fast #(tho he is just as dorky as 2012! leo) #I also think Rise! leo would secretly want other Leo’s approval and actively try to impress him #little does he know he’s already earned the title of ‘annoying little brother that you’re still proud of’ #tmnt #tmnt 2012 #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt #tmnt crossover #tmnt leonardo #tmnt leo 2012 #rise of the tmnt #rise leo #2012 leo #rise leonardo #2012 leonardo #leonardo

[hitwiththetmnt]

BACK | P2 | NEXT

(Book 1)

#big brother Raph to the rescue! #tmnt spitfire #tmnt spitfire au #rottmnt spitfire #rottmnt spitfire au #my art #rottmnt comic #rottmnt art #rottmnt raph #rottmnt leo #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt #rise tmnt #rise turtles #tmnt rise #tmnt fancomic #rottmnt fancomic #tmnt fanart #tmnt #tmnt art #tmnt dragons #tmnt au #rottmnt au #rise fanart #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rise of the turtles #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles

[sinestrosmind]

more shenanigans w/@tinyghostotus lmaoooo

please don't actually eat rocks or slime Leo and Donnie are profesional dumbasses

also don't tell Raph

#⭑🛠⭑ Located on the Stark Secure Servers { My Art } #ROTTMNT #Rise of The TMNT #ROTTMNT Leo #Rise of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #ROTTMNT Donnie #⭑🛠⭑ Hyperfixation est. 2019 { ROTTMNT } #⭑🛠⭑ So I have a few blorbos bouncing around my skull like a windows screensaver { Kin Stuff } #Donnie voice: as my brother once said; snitches get stitches

[charcoaldustonmyfingers]

No matter how big they get, they’ll always be a little sibling

I bet it’s a point of pride for Raph that he can so easily cart his brothers around, no matter how big they get! It’s so cute how they use him like a jungle gym. The unmade episode where it showed how close he and Mikey once were leaves a bit of a bittersweet feeling that really hits home for someone who also was close to their oldest sibling in a way much different than we are now.

When I was little I was so used to just being hauled around like a sack of flour, be it by my parents or siblings, that I would constantly ask to be carried everywhere. This is particularly inspired by my oldest sister, who would do strength training by carrying me on her back on hikes alongside her weighted equipment. Absolute madwoman.

Imagine some bad guy gets the upper hand, but Raph just lets his brothers off his shell like Goku taking off his training weights and punches them to oblivion lol

#rise raph #rise mikey #rottmnt #rottmnt raph #rottmnt mikey #being the best biggest brother #like a boss! #how Mikey got his knee pads #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt comic #raph tmnt

[turtleinsoup]

I love Donnie & Mikey LIKE AGH, just consider:

Mikey: *distressed yelling*

Donnie: *tells him to let go*

Mikey: *lets go*

LIKE THERE'S A 700 FEET DROP BELOW MIKEY AND HE LETS GO INSTANTLY, JUST BECAUSE DONNIE TOLD HIM TO, LIKE, DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH HE TRUSTS HIM

I CAN'T

THEM

#THOSE TURTLES #god i love the dynamics between the brothers so much #Donnie would protect his lil bro with his LIFE #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt #rottmnt donnie #tmnt 2018 #tmnt #donnie rottmnt #mikey rottmnt #peanutbutter & jelly duo

[sad-leon]

So some of y'all need to go touch some grass and learn that brotherly affection can include forhead and cheek kisses without it being gross

I like to imagine Leo is very affectionate, but when his brothers show him affection, he freezes up. Especially after the invasion, he fucking cries when his brothers show him affection wihtout him needing to "earn it" or anything like that

#sad•leonart #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt #rise leo #rise leonardo #rise donnie #rise donatello #rise mikey #rise michelangelo #rise raph #rise raphael #brotherly affection #featuring tail wags because yes #the image of leo pulling donnie away from his computer with a gentle forhead kiss to tell him he should go to bed #will forever live rent free in my head #and vice versa #theyre brothers your honour /ref #the brothers ever #i love them so much

[turrondeluxe]

"2003 Donnie is the calmest one of them all!"

Also 2003 Donnie:

#i love this screenshot is so silly #middle brothers activities #tmnt 2003

[scatterbrainedbot]

cass, a professional: order of badass donbot, extra dramatic entrance!

me, nodding, banned from most kitchens: leo drama and angst, heard chef!

(shoutout to @somerandomdudelmao for yet again making feel emotions i cannot fully explain)

#my art #cass apocalyptic series #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #future leo #future donnie #this is super rough and sketchy cos dude i RAN after reading that update #spectacular donbot design of course #but also #bro this circular timetravel shit has got me Feeling Emotions #like #leo stood in that room and wept and BEGGED for some echo of his brother #some proof that even in death #he wouldnt leave them alone #that he was as unwilling to fade from them as they were to let him go #the man had failsafes for failsafes on top of failsafes #plans ontop of plans; surely hed planned something for this? #and heres the thing #donnie did #he built this machine #to house his spirit and allow him to be with his family #but when leo asked for it #the room was already empty #idk its really hard to articulate #you can fix the past but the past still happened #you relieved the grief but you still had to go through it #schrodiners cat but sadder #he is dead and alive all at once but always gone from you #donnie will never be there (with you then) because he has always been here (with you now) #IDK BRO TIME TRAVEL MAKES FOR FUN CIRCULAR LOOPS

[sharkfinn]

Little Brother - Part 27

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#little brother au #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt oc #rottmnt raph #turtle tots #rottmnt fanart #rottmnt comic #rottmnt au #unpause rottmnt

[truths33k3r4]

CHAPTER 24 - Hard Words to Swallow

It had been a regular mission.

Not even the kick-butt kind, but a treasure hunt; Picking up a few trinkets from the scrapyard for one of Don’s stupid inventions. 

The goal was simple:

Retrieve the junk, maybe stop to get pizza, then head home.

How could his brothers mess up something so easy.

Leo, for once in his frickin life, didn’t even make a plan to follow. 

 “ Ok, you guys can do this- " The eldest stated mostly to himself, " Raph, keep an eye out at all times. Remember you can't be seen- and Don.. Keep an eye on Raph. “ 

Mikey watched from the couch as Don slung a satchel over his head, securing it on his freckled shoulder. Raph grabbed his twin sais and twirled them in his fingers, like a total showoff, before smoothly clicking them into place by the magnets on his belt. His crimson clad brother rolled his eyes and pushed Don through the door.

 “ Yeah- yeah- Be careful. Don’t get caught. Don’t die… Sheesh man, you’re starting to sound like Sensei… “ 

Mikey shot up swinging his arms in the air wildly.

 “ - And don’t you dare eat all the pizza!!! “ 

Had Mikey known these would be his last words to his brothers, he would've chosen them far more wisely.

Mikey had been waiting for hours. His foot tapped on the ground faster and faster as anticipation took over him. His hands held one of the brothers’ many prized comic books, but his eyes would constantly shift to the main entrance of the lair. He specifically had chosen Raphael’s favorite comic to read knowing full-well, ( and counting on ), the fact that his brother would completely lose his top at just the thought of Mikey touching his mint-condition, extremely rare Sumo Wrestlers comic.

It will be legendary.

Mikey made sure to keep his phone at the ready by his side. He had even practiced the motions of grabbing his phone, clicking a few buttons, and taking a photo. He had to be ready. Once Raph saw what he was doing- there was only one chance to snag a pic before Mikey had to start running for his life.

Like he said. Legendary.

Eventually, after Mikey finished re- re- re- reading Raph’s prized comic, Leo had walked into the Living Room. His eyes were a bit more tense than usual as he paced up and down the carpet on the stairs to the lair’s entrance.

“ Where the heck are they?? This is way past their curfew… “

Mikey groggily lifted his head from the way past boring comic.

“... Huh?.. “ 

Leo turned to his youngest brother with a ‘ Haven’t you been paying attention? ‘ look. Mikey shrugged. Leo sighed as he dropped his shoulders. Classic.

“ Mikey, it’s been hours. And they still aren’t back yet. “

Leo raised his eyebrows expectantly hoping Mikey would catch on to what he was saying. 

His youngest brother just stared with drooping eyes. A yawn caused his arms to rise into the air as he stretched, releasing a relaxed sigh as he fell back into the soft cushions.

“.. So…. no pizza then?... “

“ Mikey! This is serious! They should’ve checked in by now.. A text- a call- something.”

Leo began scrolling through all his messages after swiping his phone from the back pocket of his shell.

“.. There’s been nothing but radio silence since they left…..

..I never should have let them go off on their own, maybe they weren’t ready.. “

Mikey watched the oldest’s ice blue eyes dart through the texts. His brother’s shoulders continued to raise in a defensive position. 

 If he keeps this up, he’ll have a stress chasm in three seconds flat… 

Mikey groaned as he lifted his back away from the cushions, and then proceeded to flip backwards over the rim of the couch, landing perfectly on his right leg with his arms held out.

Well. Almost..

A deep ache reawakened in his ankle by the force of his landing. He yelped as his hands shot down from their position in the air, wrapping around the slowly darkening area. Without his arms to keep balance, and the pain stealing every brain cell’s attention that he had left, he quickly found himself watching the ground get closer and closer.

 I. Am. So. Dead. 

As he hit the floor, his ears picked up the sound of rapidly progressing footsteps. 

 I’m dead- I’m DEAD- I’m SOOOO DEAD. 

Mikey twitched a little at the sensation of his brother’s freezing cold hands touching his arms.  

SERIOUSLY, what’s with doctors always having ice cubes for hands?!?! 

“ Mikey! What were you thinking?!?! “

The youngest brother was kinda too busy to answer, as his ankle faded from a vibrant green to a greyish blue. 

 MAN ALIVE I forgot how much this hurt.

The younger turtle lifted his head from his plastron the tiniest bit, and gave a strained, 

“....Ouch…. “

Leo sighed and nodded his head back and forth as he rubbed his brothers’ shell.

“.. How bad? “

Mikey tried to move his foot.

Mikey never should have tried to move his foot. 

Leo flinched as his brother choked out a sharp gasp, clutching his ankle tighter.

“.. Ok! Ok- don’t move it!.. Let me help you up. “ 

The oldest didn’t hesitate as he lifted Mikey up bridal style, and walked to the couch. Even with all the pain making a mess of his brain, Mikey still put a few brain cells to work wondering how Leo can hold him so easily, even after eating three pizzas, six corndogs, and eight.. no, nine donuts today.

Being carried was so.. normal for Mikey. Almost as normal as his daily squabbles with Raph. Maybe it was just his right as the youngest. He was the cutest and most lovable out of his brothers, hands down. For as long as he could remember, no one has been able to resist his big beautiful blue eyes, so getting carried everywhere was always in the bag. There was a soothing comfort he always felt as he was being carried. His brothers’ plastrons were always so warm as they held him close, and even now at thirteen years old, he had to resist the urge to nuzzle his nose underneath their necks. When he turned eleven, he was told that he was too old for that. Sooo apparently, you shouldn’t like being warm and comfortable when you become a teen. Nice wisdom there, Raph. 

Mikey was brought out of his thoughts as Leo gently placed him down onto the couch. 

“ ..Can’t believe… stinkin’ one legged flip-  “ the eldest mumbled to himself as he carefully placed one of the fluffiest pillows underneath Mikey’s foot.

Mikey lifted his head as Leo got up and began walking to the kitchen.

“ Don’t. Move. “ The eldest called out with a pointed finger raised as he speedwalked to the fridge.

Mikey could hear the sounds of the freezer door being opened, and then some scratchy movements of some kind of bag. More footsteps followed, getting louder and louder as Leo returned to his brother’s side.

 Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. ~ 

Mikey couldn’t hold back the shiver that tensed his body as a bag of frozen broccoli was placed on his ankle. It didn’t feel.. amazing, but he knew it would help with the swelling. Been there, done that.

“ How does that feel? “ Leo asked, as he comfortingly rubbed Mikey’s right knee.

“ Not…very… good.. “ Mikey squeezed out, as his teeth started chattering from the cold.

Leo gave a sympathetic smile as he turned around to grab the thick afghan folded underneath the coffee table. 

“ Well.. that means it’s working.. “

Mikey let out a contented sigh as the warmth of the blanket enveloped his shivering body. His ankle still hurt, and the stinkin broccoli was still freezing, but the blanket really helped. As always, Leo knew what he was doing.

Another sigh was heard in the room as Leo joined his brother on the couch. Since Mikey was laying down though, Leo made sure to leave him enough space to still be comfortable. This left Leo propping himself up on the arm of the couch, twisting and shifting until he could balance properly. Mikey failed to hold in a laugh as his brother awkwardly flapped his arms as he nearly fell off the small bit of furniture.

“ Heheh.. Here, dude. “

Mikey carefully hunched over and grabbed the fluffy pillow beneath his ankle, moving it to the coffee table standing in front of the couch. He then let out a slight hiss as he turned and placed his injured ankle back on the pillow, resulting in a quick look of concern from his anxious brother.

 With a smile, Mikey patted the empty cushion on his left. Leo gave a tired grin back as he let himself fall off the inner edge of the couch’s arm, plopping down at Mikey’s side.

“ Thanks, little bro. “

“ No probs. “

Leo’s posture changed from chill and relaxed to alert and worried in a second as he switched back to “ doc mode “.

“ What were you thinking, Mikey? You know its sensitive. You gotta be more careful. “

The youngest’s smile faded as a look of guilt subtly washed over his face.

“ I’m fine… “ he mumbled as he began picking at the breaking seams of the couch’s stitching.

Those two little words not only annoyed Leonardo, but also caused him to switch to his worst mode in times like this:

LEADER MODE.

“ Eh- Eh- Eh. None of that- “ the oldest scolded, waving the same pointed finger as earlier, “ Don’t give me any of that. I gave you orders to take it easy. It’s only been a few days since you twisted it last week. Do you call THIS- “ Leo gestured to all of Mikey, “ ..taking it easy?? “

Mikey started to open his mouth, but the eldest continued.

“- Remember what Sensei tells you. You call this being a good steward of your body?? “

Mikey’s guilty expression morphed into one he never wore. One his brothers and Sensei rarely ever saw.

“.. When was the last time you ate. “ He spoke without blinking. His eyes were glazed over with a film of bitterness as his words burned into Leo like the defensive rays of the sun.

Silence.

 Yeah, not so talkative now, are you.. 

“.. I.. was busy. “ Leo whispered, as his whole body tensed.

“ - Oh COME ON,DUDE!! “ Mikey shouted, making Leo minisculely flinch, “ That’s bogus and you know it. It’s my job to do the dishes this week- I memorize the colors of everyone’s plates. Yours is always the black one with blue rims. You picked that one since you were a kid. I never have to wash it. It’s always all NEAT and CLEAN and stacked in the cupboard. “

Leo’s expression twisted as his guilt grew.

“ The only thing I’ve seen you take a bite out of this week was my bubblegum and jalapeno pizza. And you hacked it up immediately. “

“ Oh come on!! Did you even taste that thing??? “ Leo half-heartedly chuckled, hoping that adding a joke or insulting Mikey’s cooking would distract his youngest brother.

For once, Mikey wasn’t in the mood for games.

“ -STUFF IT IN YOUR CRUST, LEO. “ The youngest growled, “ You. Aren’t. Eating. Admit it! “

“ I’m just not hungry. “ Leo shrugged as he edged closer to the arm of the couch.

“ Admit it. “

“ I have too much to do- “ The eldest's eyes strayed from Mikey's.

“ ADMIT IT. “ Mikey over-emphasized every syllable.

Leo threw his hands up in the air as he yanked himself off the couch.

“ - OK SO WHAT???!!? I don’t eat sometimes, SO THE FRICK WHAT?? “

Mikey’s glare remained steadfast and unmoving as he peered into Leo’s constricted pupils.

“.. You call that being a good steward? “ Mikey spat.

Leo’s face fell, flashing from guilt, to shame, to stubbornness.

Silence swept over the Living Room once again. But this time it didn’t carry any peace or relaxation with it. A deep weight pressed down on the two brothers, almost as if they were sinking into the ocean’s depths. Neither spoke a word as they choked and drowned in the silence.

[ BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ]

Leo’s movements froze as the whole lair was bathed in a bright, flashing red. Mikey’s eyes darted from his phone to Leo’s face. The youngest could feel his heartbeat begin to quicken as he saw nothing but terror and anxiety flood through his brother’s expression. 

The sensation of the frozen bag settled on Mikey’s ankle couldn’t even compare to the frigid crystals of realization growing in his heart.

The Emergency alarm continued to scream its horrible song, replacing the somber emptiness with a shrilling crescendo.

... No…

That's it for this chapter. :) The art piece took FOREVER to get right, but I'm very happy with how it turned out. :) This was my first FULL FLASHBACK chapter, so it was interesting figuring out some things like pre-tense or past-tense or present-tense.. But thanks to some help from @poetique823, I think it turned out great! :)

Thanks for your help, Poet!! :)

To God be the glory!

~ Melissa

MASTERPOST <- PRIOR CHAPTER NEXT CHAPTER ->

#tmnt #my version of tmnt!! #the strength in weakness #SIW Leo #SIW Mikey #SIW Raph #SIW Don #hurt/comfort #tmnt brothers #brother moment #eating disorder

[tworoadsandapenny]

What You Wish For: Chapter 17. In The End

This chapter probably should have been cut in two, it's incredibly long. But here we are. Also, heads up, this is the last finished chapter. There should be one more and an epilogue to come, but they are unfinished as of yet.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The sun hit at just the right angle, cascading light across the clouds to colour them with bright oranges and pinks. Nocturnal as he was, Casey was very used to seeing the sunrise, but somehow this wasn’t the same. A New York sunrise didn’t compare to this. Perhaps it was the clean air or the lack of pollution to dilute the colours, or maybe it was the way light bounced off the trees and sparkled across the slight frost crusting the ground.

Or maybe it was because today was the day. Today he’d be saying goodbye to friend. A brother. Burying his body beneath the ground, never to be seen again. Perhaps it was the universe trying to give him a small sense of beauty as he waded through the hurricane of heartache that was wreaking havoc on his body. 

Perhaps he was just being overly sentimental. He’d done something similar after his mom died. Nothing was normal anymore, everything either became the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen or something he reviled to the point of making him nauseous. No in-between. Maybe he was just in the throws of grief and trying to lighten the load with a little sentiment.

Leo had always told him sunrises were a sight to behold. It meant a new day had dawned and you would get to witness it unfold.

Sentimental. And cheesy as hell, Leo really was an enormous sap. He didn’t always show it, but when he did, it was full of cliché and tenderness and passion.

A total softy at heart, really. Much like Raph. Tough on the outside, all heart on the inside.  

Casey sighed into his grief, tensing his hands and letting his fists quake beside him as he tried to handle the pain.

How… Just how in the hell were they supposed to get past this?

~*~*~*~*~*~

The drive up went much better than Don had expected. With everything that had happened, he was certain it was bound to be a long six hours of twiddling thumbs and awkward glances atop a thick fog of uncomfortable silence.

Fortunately, there was Mikey.

He talked most of the trip, gabbing about anything from video games to favourite foods. He even managed to get Raph to pipe in once or twice. Of course, there were a few times the conversation circled too closely around their missing brother. It was like an exposed nerve; anytime anyone mentioned something that reminded them of Leo, the entire trailer halted into absolute silence. But Mikey always managed to change the subject and perk up again.

Don was doing his best to participate. He knew the talking was a distraction for all of them to keep from thinking about what awaited them at the farmhouse, but he was having a hard time focusing.

He couldn't stop staring at Raph.

It had been two months since their escapade at the warehouse. Two months since they almost lost a second brother to Hun and his goons. And Don was still terrified that Raph would vanish again without a word.

He was just so… silent. And not in his usual brooding way, either. Not with an air of anger, and not in a way that said ‘back off’. He would answer questions directed at him, and he would make small talk to change a subject, but the rest of the time he was completely closed off. Not distant as he had been after that night on the roof, he didn’t seem to be intentionally walling himself away (Don was keeping a close eye out for that). And his eyes were much less hollow than they had been before. But he was still… off.

Since the warehouse, the only time he’d heard Raph say more than few words was last month after his recovery. When Mikey and Don had been dusting in Leo’s room.

When Raph told them what happened on the roof.

“Leo’s dead ‘cause of me.”

He ran out of the room immediately after, and Don had been so panicked he was running off that he didn’t get a chance to process what he’d just said. He was almost grateful that his brother passed out because it meant he couldn’t leave before they had a chance to talk.

Before Don could tell him all the reasons this wasn’t his fault.

He was sure guilt was the cause of Raph’s silence. They’d had a good talk about it when he woke up which ended in tears—at least for the younger two—and Don really thought they’d gotten through to him. But one night wasn’t enough to ward off what might be a lifetime of remorse, he supposed.

The idea of Raph feeling guilty about this his entire life made Don’s heart heavy. But what could he do? What could he possibly say that would make a difference? Raph was there when Leo died. Raph had to watch it happen. Raph had held their brother as the life drained from his body. Don knew if their places had been switched…

He’d never forgive himself either. 

He sighed. This wasn’t really his arena. Angry Raph he could handle, grumpy Raph he could humor, but sad Raph… sad Raph was so rare and painful it made Don want to cry.

“Dee? You okay?”

Belatedly Don realized all eyes in the trailer were on him. “Wh-What?”

“Dude, you’ve been staring at Raph for like, ten minutes. What’s up?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was…”

But Raph was already back to staring at the floor. Seemed he only checked in to make sure Don was okay and then went back to his own thoughts.

Don sighed in defeat. “It’s nothing, Mikey.”

Nothing he could do.

~*~*~*~*~*~

April couldn’t feel it. She saw the light filtering through the windows and glittering across her skin, but there was no warmth. No tingle of heat radiated from her body. She just felt… cold. Numb. Like when you’ve walked in the freezing wind so long nothing can warm you up.  

Today was the day.

Like everyone else in the cabin, sleep did not come to her last night. Instead, she spent the better part of the evening practicing her stoic face. Her family was falling apart, and the only thing she could do to help was keep from adding to their pain by falling apart herself. She needed to be strong. Stoic. Solid. Something for her family to lean on whenever they admitted they needed it.

If they ever admitted they needed it.

Good gracious they were all bull-headed, weren’t they. In their own ways. Mikey was the only one who wasn’t afraid to ask for help, and even he had his moments. Donnie generally knew to ask when he needed emotional help, it was his intellect he was stubborn about. It was like pulling teeth trying to get him to admit he couldn’t solve a problem by himself.

And Raph… was Raph. If you looked up ‘stubborn’ in the dictionary, his picture was bound to be there.

Then there was Leo. He was just about as stubborn as Raph, but he believed it was for good reason. He kept his problems to himself because he always felt a good leader didn’t burden others, but rather helped lighten their loads. The only one he’d really open up to was Splinter, and even then he’d try so hard to be the “perfect student” that he’d keep things hidden.

Stubborn as mules, the whole lot of them.

Too stubborn to admit when they needed help. Too stubborn to talk when they were upset. Too stubborn to let other people share their burdens.

Too stubborn to let others fend off the evils of the world.

Too stubborn to ever quit a fight.

Too stubborn to die… ever…

So she always thought. Hoped. Prayed.

She covered her mouth to keep from making any noise as the tears fell.

~*~*~*~*~*~

By the time they arrived at the farmhouse, Mikey had nearly exhausted his list of stories to lighten the mood. It didn’t seem like anyone was paying attention to them at all, but he said them anyway; if nothing else, they at least kept him from the sorrow that was constantly tapping on the back of his shell.

Stepping out of the trailer, he arched his back dramatically, yawning to hide the grimace he felt coming on. This place used to be happy. It used to be where they came to bond, recover, and catch their second wind. It used to mean freedom. Now all Mikey thought of as they stood in front of the old house was that grave by the tree line.

He shook his head, throwing on his best smile as he turned to his brothers. “Come on, dudes, breathe the fresh air! You don’t find that clean and pure smell in New York City!”

Don quirked a small smile as he stepped out of the trailer, also doing his best not to wallow. “It’s always nice to enjoy the sunshine for a change.”

“Hey! Maybe we can go down to the lake and see if it’s warm enough for a swim? What do ya think, Raph?” No response. Mikey turned. “Raph? Anybody ho—“

Raphael stood only a few steps from the trailer, eyes trained on the trees, staring at one spot in particular. His hands were already balled so tightly into fists his knuckles had paled.

So much for lightening the mood.

Mikey stood beside his brother, ever so gently placing a hand on his arm. “Raph…” Words suddenly left him as his eyes clocked the grave. That small piece of stone that was somehow supposed to represent an entire person. A person who meant the world to all of them. Mikey gripped his brother’s arm tighter. “It’s been a long trip. Maybe we should get some food or something first.”

A moment passed that stretched on with the incoming breeze. The fall leaves danced in the wind, waving their bright autumn colours like an ebbing tide. A chill ran through Mikey’s arm and down his shell; it was already starting to get cold again. How could it possibly be fall already? Hadn’t it just been—

Without a word, Raph began to walk slowly toward the grave, pulling out of Mikey’s grasp in one stride.

“Raph…” But Mikey hadn’t a reason to stop him. Raph hadn’t been there for the burial or the ceremony or any of it. He probably needed some closure. But for whatever reason—maybe the fear that his brother would run off again, or maybe the thought of the grave itself—Mikey’s heart sunk while he watched the red bandana twist in the breeze as it walked away. Something touching his shoulder brought his attention back towards the house.

“It’s okay, Mikey.” Don stared after their sibling as well, the same pain in his eyes that Mikey felt squeezing his heart. “This is why we’re here.”

The younger turtle watched in silence as his older—oldest—brother stopped in front of the grave, shell to his family, and wind kicking up around his feet. Another long moment passed before Raph’s fists clenched again and his head bowed low.

“Should we go with him?” Mikey finally asked, his feet already moving in that direction. If they were with him, he wouldn’t run off. They should—but Don’s grip on his shoulder stopped him short.

“Maybe give him some time.”

“But—“

“He’s not going anywhere, Mikey. He needs this…”

Mikey turned to his brother once more, doing his best to ignore the pounding of his heart. He wouldn’t leave… Raph wouldn’t leave again. And anyways, there’d be nowhere to go out here that could get him caught in a fiery warehouse explosion. No guns, no goons, no Purple Dragons.

“Ok…” He nodded, wrapping his arms around himself in defence of the cold.

He wouldn’t leave. Raph wouldn’t leave again.

Please…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“When the links of life are broken and a child has to part, there is nothing that will heal a parent’s broken heart.”

It was a simple poem, something he read in a magazine years ago, when his children were still very small. But it stuck with him, worming under his skin and wrapping around his heart. Splinter had known much grief in his lifetime. He’d lost his beloved wife to a blade, his daughter to a fire, and his clan to a rival. He knew what it was to lose everything you loved and try to continue on.

But what do you do when that tether, that thing that kept you from giving in to grief, is also taken from you?

His children were his tether. Had he not found them when he did, he was certain he would not have survived. They gave him purpose when he had none, family when he’d lost all, and love when he was most alone.

His children saved his life. And continued to save it ever day that they lived.

Now one of them was gone. And Splinter didn’t know if he could survive more grief. Without his whole family. Without his eldest. Without Leonardo.

Doubts clouded his mind, sinking their teeth of guilt and pain deep enough to tear at his soul. If he had not tried to replace what he had… if he had not taught his sons the ways of the ninja and simply let them live their lives as normal children… perhaps Leonardo would still be with them.

He knew such thoughts were folly. His boys could never have lived normal lives, and they expressed on multiple occasions how the outlet of ninjitsu had saved them from loneliness. But doubt would forever haunt him. There had to be something he could have done… something.

He sighed heavily, breathing out the grief.

His son, his beloved Leonardo was gone, and no amount of regret could change that. He joined an ever growing hole in Splinter’s heart that would never be filled, and all the old rat could do was beg the universe not to take any more.

A deep, resonant desire to hold his remaining children close overtook him, prompting Splinter to stand from his folded position and head to the barn where Michelangelo was keeping watch.

Where his eldest son’s body lay. Where a corpse had replaced his child.

“My Leonardo…” He wiped a tear from his eye. Not now… not yet. His time to grieve would come later.

Today, he needed to be there for his family.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

From inside the house, Don peaked out the window towards the grave, squinting through the light refracting off the glass. Raph was still out there. Still standing with head bowed low and fists clenched tight. From this angle, he looked exactly as he had when—

“You owe us for getting our brother killed!”

Don sighed out his guilt. This wasn’t the first time he’d hurled a hurtful accusation at Raph. They were brothers, professionals at pushing each other’s buttons and finding what hurt most. But this… this one was going to be a long road to forgiveness. If not for Raph, then for himself.

He was still shaken by his own ignorance. How could he not have seen the pain his brother was in? How was his own anger so blinding that logic was incapable of penetrating?

His hands still shook when he thought of how close it had been. How any minute later would have been too late. How they’d found Raph barely conscious in a pool of his own blood.

How much he’d looked like Leo had on that roof.

If they’d been any later… any second later… Raph would be—

“Over here, Dee! I found him!”

Don followed Mikey’s voice, wafting smoke from his face as the flames continued to spread. Finding his way around a graveyard of wooden debris and cement bits, he stepped through a puff of thick smog and came face to face with his worst nightmare.

Raph, eyes half-lidded and skin pale, lying huddled on the ground with blood spilling around him in buckets.

His heart stopped. Images of Leo flashed through his mind.

Too late. He was too late! It was happening again and he was too late to—

“He’s still breathing!”

Every fiber of Don’s being suddenly snapped to, clinging to Mikey’s words like metal to a magnet. He stepped forward cautiously and swallowed his fear to keep a cool head.

Mikey found no such calm. “Raph! Raph, can you hear me?”

“Leo…”

The voice was weak and broken, but it still swept the young turtle with relief. “We’re here.” He grabbed his brother’s hand and gave it a good squeeze to emphasize his presence before looking to his other sibling with desperation. “Don! Do something!"

The elder sibling was already kneeling, assessing injuries and testing vitals; pulse was quick and erratic, breath short and thin, and there was enough blood on the floor to fill a pool. Thankfully it wasn’t all Raph’s. Don’s eyes quickly noted the body of Hun not too far away, but couldn’t take time to analyze what happened. “Help me flip him. Gently.”

With cautious hands, the two moved Raph onto his shell, both flinching as he coughed and sputtered blood on the way. To his credit, his hand was still covering the wound, applying pressure as he could. Don would have been impressed if he had the mind to be.

He went to move his brother’s hand, but it was stubbornly in place. “Raph, move your—“

He couldn’t see the wound to—“Raph!” And finally he shoved the appendage aside, swallowing his fear when blood squelched over Leo’s plastron at the release of pressure.

Don’s stomach churned anew as the image of Leo’s blood-soaked body stained his eyes. As gently as he could, he pried Raph’s hand out of the way. His eyes narrowed, fear and desperation almost drowning him immediately.

No, it was okay. Not too late. Not this time. He was still alive. They could still save him.

Don swallowed thickly and shook his head, placing his own hand over the wound and pressing to stop the blood flow.

“Raph? Raph? Can you hear me?” Mikey continued to try and coax their brother to speak. His eyes were open, but they looked hazy and grey, like they’d lost their luster. “Come on dude, say something! Call me a name! Anything!”

“Leo…”

An involuntary flinch made Mikey close his eyes momentarily. Raph sounded so scared… He shifted closer to try and catch his brother’s eye line. “It’s okay, dude, we got you.”

“Mi—“A wet cough interrupted, dripping blood down Raph’s chin in bursts. “Mikey?” His eyes began to close.

Panic took over. Mikey grabbed his brother’s hand with both his own, squeezing for dear life. “I’m here!” Tears sprang to his eyes. “I’m here, just squeeze my hand if you can’t see me!”

Raph’s eyes fluttered open, but wandered again, like he was searching for something while fighting a losing battle with consciousness. His free hand slowly raised, reaching for something only he could see. “C-Come back!”

“Raph!” Mikey couldn’t stop the sob that popped from his lips. He felt so helpless! “Dee, what do we do!?”

“Here.” Don placed Mikey’s panicked hand over the wound. “Keep pressure while I wrap it.” They needed to get him home fast. Moving him risked bleeding out, but the warehouse being on fire erased the option of staying put. If only he’d brought something big enough for a tourniquet! Gauze and tape would have to be enough. He worked quickly and efficient, splitting his effort between focusing and forcing away panic. “There. That’ll have to do.” A cry from around a nearby crate grabbed both brothers’ attention. Gunfire followed, then another cry. Don looked to Mikey. “Time to go.”

“Are you sure we can move him?”

“No choice. We have to get—“

“Get what!?” Raph cut in, his voice tired but frustrated. Don didn’t have time to register why, he was just glad to hear a voice at all.

“Get out of here. Casey and Sensei can only hold them off for so long.” The two younger turtles pulled their brother to a standing position, grateful that more blood didn’t start dripping from his mouth. But he couldn’t stand on his own. His feet dragged as he gazed across the room, staring at something in the middle distance.

He was still fighting for consciousness though. “Don…”

“It’s okay, Raph. We’ll get you out, just hold on.”

A flash of fear jolted across both as their older brother’s head lilted, like speaking that one word cost him whatever energy he had left.

Mikey stepped forward, squaring his shoulders. “I’ll take point and clear the path. Can you hold him on your own?”

Don nodded.

“D-Don…”

Raph’s voice was growing weaker, and there was a desperation in it that Don couldn’t put words to. It made his chest tighten.

Still alive. Not too late. Not—

“You owe us for getting our brother killed!”

Tears rolled down Don’s cheeks, unchecked and unnoticed, as his brother’s head once again lilted, his body feeling heavier.

“Just save your strength, Raph. We can talk after we get you fixed up, okay? After we’re home and safe.”

Don shook his head of the memory.

They were home and safe now. Don had apologized and it seemed like Raph took it to heart. But still… still Don saw the pain in his brother’s eyes. That pain that said he blamed himself—loathed himself—for things that were never in his control.

Don sighed once more, guilt and worry and fear all rolling through him like a building storm.

“He still out there?”

Mikey’s voice boomed through the silence, catching Don by surprise, which he hid by adjusting his glasses. “Yeah.”

“Do you think we should bring him in? Or at least get him some food or something? It’s been hours.”

They both knew the futility of offering their brother food in this state, but that wasn’t what was making Don pause.

“…Donnie?”

“I… I don’t know, Mikey. This isn’t exactly my forte.” He gave a light shrug of his shoulders as he pieced the words together. “Emotions were always your area of expertise. Yours and Leo’s…” He tried to stop that last thought, but was too late. Mikey went silent and Don immediately regretted saying the name. But as he was about to abandon the conversation all together, he heard a small giggle began bubbling from his younger sibling. “Dare I ask what’s so funny?”

Mikey took a moment, allowing his laughter to simmer as he spoke. “Dude, in what world was Leo good with emotions?”

Don suddenly felt his defences rise—for his own analysis or his brother’s honour, he wasn’t sure—as he hunched his shoulders and folded his arms. “You’ve said so yourself. Leo always knew how to cheer us up or calm us down.”

“Trial and error, bro. Not natural talent.” Mikey chuckled at the puzzled—almost heated—look on his brother’s face. “Don’t you remember the first time he tried to cheer you up when an invention wasn’t working? He told you you just needed to work harder, and you’d get it. So you stayed up for seventy-two hours straight trying to get that thing to work, until Sensei finally forced you to rest.”

Don had a vague recollection. “We were eight, Mikey.”

“Or that time Raph was so angry he broke the door to the dojo and Leo tried to help by telling him to ‘calm down’ which only pissed Raph off more and he broke the other door?”

“We were fifteen, he’s grown a lot since both those instances.”

“Exactly.” Mikey thrust a finger in the air in an “aha!” gesture. “Leo was never good with emotions, probably because he worked so hard to suppress them in himself that he didn’t understand when others expressed them. But he was an excellent learner. He’d try helping us one way, and if that didn’t work, he’d try another.” Eyes glazing over with memories of his eldest brother, Mikey paused to enjoy them a moment. “Leo was really good at trying. At working. At never giving up until he figured it out. He was good at knowing us. At understanding us. But only because he’d worked so hard at it for so long. With him gone… I guess it’s our turn to learn…”

Don’s shoulders relaxed as he watched Mikey sit by the window, staring out towards the grave. His tone had become intensely somber on that last sentence.

“He was really good at inspiring though. Somehow he always knew exactly what to say to make a hopeless situation seem possible.” Mikey continued. “And then knew exactly what to do to make it actually possible. Probably part of the whole ‘leader’ training or something.” A sad smile crossed his lips which prompted Don to place a hand on his shoulder. “Sure wish we could hear one of those speeches right now.”

The two stood in silence, staring out the window at their brother’s shell while a gust of wind whipped his bandana tails to and fro. Don did his best to tamp down his own grief before speaking. “Trial and error, huh?”

Mikey felt Don’s hand leave his shoulder and wiped a tear from his eye before glancing over to see a jacket held out to him.

Don shrugged. “We’ve tried distance.”

Mikey grabbed the coat with a smile.

~*~*~*~*~*~

There was nothing but stillness left. The wind outside had gone quiet, silencing the old wood of the barn and removing the ghostly chorus of drafts sneaking through the cracks. Light filtered in through every crevice it could find, warming the barn and melting much of the ice that had formed overnight.

But Mikey still felt cold.

Every time he looked at that black bag—every time he thought of the person inside it—his blood froze and sent chills through his veins. His every breath stung like tiny needles pricking at his lungs.

This was it. This was the day. This was when they were going to burry their brother in the ground and they’d never see him again. He was going to be gone. Forever.

Truly dead.

And all Mikey could do was think of all the things he was going to miss.

Leo attempting to play a prank only to have Mikey turn it around on him.

Leo teaching him a new move to use against Raph the next time they sparred.

Leo appearing out of nowhere and saving his shell from a Foot soldier.

Leo attempting to sneak past Sensei and failing miserably.

Leo actually waking up late and getting ribbed about it the rest of the week.

Leo reading Mikey a story to help him sleep.

Leo and Raph squaring off against Don and Mikey in a snowball battle.

Leo telling them that they were stronger together.

“Stay with me. Then we’re… invincible…”

Mikey closed his eyes and hugged his knees and cried, his tears hitting the ground and disappearing into nothing.

It wasn’t fair… it just wasn’t fair.

~*~*~*~*~*~

As carefully as possible, the family made their escape. Mikey fended off any remaining Dragons with frightening speed, until they met up with Splinter and Casey. With all the exits blocked except the roof, they climbed the stairs as fast as they could with Raph between them. Smoke and fire had filled the entire warehouse, gunfire splitting the silence every few moments as stray thugs tried to salvage the night by pegging off an enemy to no avail. After several close calls, they finally made it to the roof, all having to work together to pass their fallen member from building to building.

Don kept close watch of Raph’s vitals, checking for a pulse every few minutes and frowning at how sluggish it had become. They still had time. He’d slowed the bleeding, which should be enough for them to get him home, stitch him up, and pump him full of blood again. Still time to—

The pulse was gone. “No…” He pressed harder into the carotid, absolutely refusing to believe there was nothing there. But no beat met his fingers. “No no no no no!” Don fumbled as he halted and lay Raph on the ground, gentle as possible, but abruptly enough that he took Mikey—under Raph’s other shoulder—down with him.

“What is it?”

There was no filter on Mikey’s panic, but no time for Don to form words. His mind was instantly sifting through dozens of scenarios: could his brother’s brain survive without oxygen until they reached the lair (they were only ten minutes away), could they scrounge up parts for a blood transfusion here, or have Mikey run to the lair and back with supplies, or could they—

“Don!”

The frantic voice of his younger brother snapped him from his thoughts. He was already doing compressions—when had he started?—but blood was now squelching through the bandages on Raph’s side.

“Mikey, I need you to—“

“I have it, Donatello.” Splinter knelt in front of the wound and placed his hands on it firmly, quietly rumbling a low chant.

Emotions running rampant, Don nearly shouted at his father to do something with the wound, when he noticed a slight hint of a glow surround the area Sensei’s hands covered. He was chanting a healing mantra, of course! And it looked like it was working.

Don managed one sigh of relief—the briefest of moments—before his father turned to him with a twinge of fear in his eyes. “I cannot heal it enough to close the wound.”

“Switch with me.” He waited for Splinter to take over compressions—chanting another healing mantra as he did—before assessing the laceration once more. He didn’t have any more supplies with him for bandages, but he had to do something to slow the bleeding. “Mikey, hand me your bandana.” He demanded, taking his own from his head and pulling a shurikan from his belt. “Sorry Sensei.” He apologized as he cut free a piece of his fathers robe and placed it over the wound. He held his hand out for his brother’s accoutrement, but when his hand remained empty, he spared a moment to look at his younger brother; body trembling, eyes watering, and hands grasping Raph’s for dear life. Had Don any emotions to spare, he would have attempted to comfort. But they were running out of time. “Mikey, bandana!”

But the younger’s mind was entirely elsewhere. “You can’t die, Raph. You just can’t. Please…”

“Mikey!” Don could feel his own panic rising. Too late… again… they were going to lose him. Just like—

NO! Don absolutely refused to allow it to happen again. He could fix this. He just needed ”MIKEY!”

A gasp of air popped into Raph’s lungs. Splinter quickly checked for a pulse and found one weakly thrumming beneath his fingers. His nod of confirmation had everyone release the fearful breaths they’d been holding.

Everyone except for Don. “Mik—“

“Here Don.” Casey took the bandana from the young turtle’s head, having to force his hands to unclench from their tight fold as he did, and tossed it over.

Don made quick work of tying the bandanas together with the bottom hem of his father’s robe, then wrapped the whole thing around Raph’s torso. He had Casey hold the other piece of his father’s cloth to the wound and tied the makeshift bandage around it, pulling as tight as he could to create a solid tourniquet. Hopefully, it would slow the bleeding enough for them to get Raph back home without any more incidents.

“We have to move quicker.” He said sternly, wiping his brow as he helped Mikey lift their older brother as gently as possible.

“Hang in there, Raph.” Mikey soothed, his eyes finding their strength and resolve once more. “We’re almost home.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Don’s feet felt impossibly heavy, trudging through the frosted grass with such lethargy he practically had time to note every muscle and synapse as it was activated to move him forward. Towards the barn. Towards that black bag. Towards a lifetime of grief and pain that was impossible to even fathom.

Intellectually, Don knew all about grief. He’d read many books on the subject: the psychosis involved, the stages, the long and short term effects of such emotional strain on the body. He knew what it was to experience grief in terms of vocabulary; he knew the emotions he was feeling and could describe them in terms of where he was on the spectrum, as well as where they fell in the five stages of grief (he was somewhere between denial and bargaining, but not quite at anger). He could even give a rather accurate estimation as to how long these emotions would last and what they would do to his body as he worked through them. Intellectually, Don knew about grief.

But nothing he’d read had ever prepared him for the pain. Reading about loss, he certainly empathized with what the people in the books experienced, and he could extrapolate and estimate what his own experience would be. But none of his projections came even close to what it was truly like. To what he was feeling now. The description of a hole in one’s heart came closest to an accurate depiction, but wasn’t strong enough to do justice to the actual feeling. In fact, Don found himself at a loss for finding any words—in any language he’d ever studied—that truly described what he felt right now. Pain, grief, loss, depression, anxiety, fear; all of them failed to lend the same weight to the depths he felt them.

He was lost. He couldn’t describe the pain he felt, and he had no idea how to stop it. It was what Don referred to as a “dead end” equation: something he would never be able to solve, yet never be able to stop trying. This was normally when Leo would step in and—

“Some problems aren’t meant to be solved, Don.”

His feet stopped moving.

“Some are just meant to be experienced.”

That’s right… Leo wouldn’t be there for support now. There’d be no one to lean on when he felt ill-equipped to solve a problem. He’d be alone…

“But you never have to experience it alone. We got your back.”

All alone…

“Always.”

Standing in front of the barn, Don found himself wholly unable to walk in. If he didn’t see it, it wasn’t real. Leo could still be out there somewhere… he could…

Back to stage 1: denial.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I don’t remember this tree.

Mikey says it was Leo’s favourite spot to read, and the others all agree, but I don’t remember it. I know he liked reading up where he could keep an eye on all of us, but I don’t remember this specific tree. Mikey’s always been good at those details, at remembering the small things about us. Remembering the good.

I wish I knew how he does that.

I don’t remember the good so well. Not even with Leo. Especially with Leo. I know we had good times, I just can’t seem to dig out those memories. All I get are flashes of every fight we ever had. Every time he’d gotten in my way, got me in trouble, or pissed me off. Every time he’d made me so angry I wanted to slug him in the—

I barely have time to process the fear in his voice as my fist flies through the air at his jaw, when something crashes hard into my side.

My eyes close without prompt in a sad attempt to ignore the memory. I’ll never get away from it. From what I did. What I said.

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

I take a deep breath and let it out slow, attempting to uncurl my fingers before they start drawing blood from my palms. The best way I can think to ground myself is to lower my eyes from the tree to the grave.

…I still can’t think of anything to say.

No use apologizing, he’s already gone. Can’t change that. And saying what I should have said on that roof was useless too. I was too late. Lost my chance.

Lost a lot that night.

All I can think of as I stare at this old stone Casey’d carved my brother’s name into was how cold it was. Too cold. Leo definitely wasn’t Mikey levels of warm to anyone, but he wasn’t stone.

He cared. Deeply. Often too much. Just didn’t always know how to show it, I guess.

I hate him.

A stone shouldn’t be here to mark his life. He was a pain in the ass, sure, but never heartless.

His condescending eyes.

Always distant. But always there.

I hate his smug face.

Someone you could rely on. Depend on. No matter what.

I hate him.

Always there when you needed him. Sometimes when you didn’t.

Hate everything about him.

So why can I only think about—

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

Guilt and self-loathing have become so engrained in my system, I barely notice them crushing me again. They can’t bring me any lower. I’m buried so deep I can’t even look up to find rock bottom.

Because no matter what I say, no matter what I do,

“You shouldn’t have left.”

It will always be my fault.

“RAPH!”

I got him killed. The damn bullet was meant for me and he took it instead.

“You still… don't—“

“No, you don’t get it.” My hands are back into fists so tight my knuckles pale. “They need you. You’re our leader. They need you, depend on you.” He had to know. “They don’t need me. Not like they need you.”

I lock my legs in place and dig into my stance to keep from shaking, emotions bubbling and boiling like a volcano about to erupt.

“If you were here, you could get them through this. You’d know what to say. What to do.” I’m falling apart at the seams. And I’m completely helpless to stop it. No amount of rage can help me now.

“It shouldn’ta been you. That bullet wasn’t meant for you. It shoulda been… it would’ve been better if…” I think my voice is cracking, but I can barely hear it over the ringing in my ears.

Can’t hold it in any more.

“Why did you come!?” I glare at the grave as my anger feels like it’s boiling my skin, making me shout even louder. “If you hadn’t followed—if you’d just let me go—they would have taken me! Why do you always do it!? Why do you always get in the way!? Why don’t you ever just let me pay the price for my stupidity alone!? I told you to back off! I told you—“

“I DON’T NEED YOU!”

I wish he were—

I try to hold it back, but the sob bursts from my lips so intensely it makes my legs finally give way, taking me to my knees with my head lowered in shame and fists quaking at my sides.

I can’t stop thinking it. Can’t stop reliving it. Can’t stop hearing what I thought that night.

I wish he were—

“I didn’t mean it! I could never mean it!” A haze surrounds me, black smoke so thick I know I’m gonna suffocate any minute.

“I’m… I’m so…” It doesn’t matter. He’s dead. He’s dead forever. And it’s my fault. It will always be my fault. “I…” My words do nothing but choke me. “It was supposed to be me…”

The urge returns, so overpowering I barely have time to recognize what it is before my mind fills with one thought

Run. Run away. As far as I can go. Farther. Run until the memory fades. Run until the guilt gives way. Run until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

But just as I’m about to give in, something holds me down, tethers me to sanity. Don’t know what it is, but I don’t fight it. No more strength to fight. No more…

“RAPH!”

My whole body shakes and rattles like a quake while the stake in my chest attempts to dissect me alive. But I gather what courage I have left and force myself to say the words I should have said on that roof. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry! For leaving, for fighting, for the horrible things I—“ Another sob scrapes through my lips like flesh on sandpaper. “M’Sorry…” My voice is as unsteady as my body, my lungs feel like they’ve curled in on themselves and died, and everything in me is still screaming to run away into the blissful arms of denial for the rest of my days.

But whatever is tethering me still keeps me there. Clings tighter. Holds firmer. It’s presence is almost… comforting.

Could it be—

“…Leo?”

I force my eyes to peer open, and flitting just off my vision to my right is a flash of blue. I crank my eyes over, frantic to catch one more glimpse of it before it disappears, to run after it and never come back… but it’s gone. The blue is gone. Replaced with… orange?

The haze suddenly starts to dissipate, and as my eyes clear, I see Mikey sitting beside me in the dirt, arms gripped firmly around my torso, eyes sealed shut, and tears pouring down his cheeks in droves. The blue streaks to my left, but as I swivel my head around to catch it, it’s turned purple. And there’s Don, arms wrapped around my shoulders in a vice grip, face buried half in my shell and half in his own arm, and breath wheezing in and out in a strange rhythm, like he’s trying to hold it in and letting it out in bursts.

The urge to run disappears.

And the longer I look at them, the more the haze fades.

The more the pain radiates. And grows. And grows.

Looking at that stone, at that name carved out of a life that meant so much, the pain—the loss—is too much to take.

Almost.

My brothers give me the strength to breathe through it. The more the grief grows, the more I lean into their hold.

“I’m sorry.” I say it for them. For Leo. For everyone that’s living this nightmare because of me. “I’m sorry.” It keeps tumbling out of my mouth, over and over with every thump of my heart. “I’m sorry.”

I didn’t mean it. Any of it.

“I’m sorry.”

If I could take it back, I would. I never would have left.

“I’m—“

“We got you, Raph.”

With Mikey’s words, the last of the haze fades. Pain, hot and blinding and all encompassing drops on me in an instant. My heart suddenly feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest as my breath is forced from me like I’ve been kicked and winded. The pain…

I scream.

No sound, but my mouth falls open and what air is left is being forced away with all the anger I possess. I double over, my face only inches above the ground, this ground that now holds all that remains of my brother.

I think I’m still screaming. I can’t breathe. I’m going to pass out. Gotta stop the pain! The haze starts to return…

No! I’m not runnin’ this time! I grip Mikey’s arm with one hand and Don’s with the other, and cling for dear life. As tightly as I can muster.

I think I’m gonna die.

“Leo!”

But if I go, at least my brothers are here. At least we’re together. At least—

“Tell them…”

No. No we ain’t doin’ this now! “Leo!”

“…M’Sorry.”

“Leo…”

The world goes dark again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The time was creeping closer, time to place their brother in the ground. To say goodbye.  To leave and move on as though it had never happened.

Mikey and Don had carried the body. Splinter helped place it in the ground. Casey shovelled dirt on top. April placed the stone marker. They all performed their jobs with as much reverence and gravity as befit their honourable older sibling. The ceremony itself was short, each person saying a few words of goodbye, nothing extravagant. But after all words were said, all tears shed, and all emotions bled, the group stood staring at the pile of dirt now covering the life of someone so vital.

No one wanted to leave.

These were the last moments, the last chance they had to sit in their denial and pretend everything was still normal. That the worst hadn’t happened. That it had all just been a nightmare.

That he might somehow still be alive.

“Together, we’re invincible.”

Mikey sank to his knees, his cries coming in long, desperate bursts. Splinter was by his side in an instant, an arm over his shoulder and comfort radiating as strongly as he could muster. April had to bite down on her lip hard to keep from following suit. Her chest ached and her legs quivered, but she remained standing, gripping Casey’s hand for all she was worth. Caught up in his own thoughts, he didn't seem to notice the intensity of her grip. He was looking around at the house and the trees. Looking for Raph.

But the red-banded brother was nowhere to be found. He was close, of that Casey was certain, but not anywhere near the grave. Or his family.

Casey closed his eyes, slowly letting out the breath he’d been holding. He wasn’t a religious person by any measure, but in that moment, he lifted a silent prayer to whatever remained of their fallen brother’s spirit.

‘Stay with him, Leo. He’s gonna need you. Let him know he ain’t alone.’

A strong wind kicked up, billowing cold through their little gravesite and blasting through to the house. Casey smiled.

‘Atta boy, Leo.

~*~*~*~*~*~

There’s so much fog. A haze of smoke growing thicker by the second, warning me not to walk through it. Every step I take towards it fills my lungs with poison, screaming at me not to breathe lest I spread it through my body and it tears me apart from the inside out.

I need to go forward. I need to get to the grave, to see it, to watch the body buried beneath the ground, to see the closure of it all. I’ll regret it if I don’t. Regret it forever.

But the fog prevents me. It solidifies around me like an iron wall, it’s tendrils of smoke whispering warnings of death and pain and grief and—

Guilt.

“RAPH!”

Blame.

“…M’Sorry.”

I punch something beside me—can’t see what it is through the fog, but it feels solid enough—feeling a sharp pain ripple through my calloused hand. But it fades almost immediately. It wasn’t enough. Need more. More intensity. Longer lasting.

I punch again, feeling something sharp cut through my skin. But it’s still too fleeting. I throw my fist again and again until the pain is enough that it lasts longer than a second. Long enough to let me see through the fog.  

There’s a barn. A clearing. A large tree. Leo’s tree. Leo’s…

They’re all there, gathered around him. My family. Grieving, crying, mourning, because of my failures.

Because of me.

Because Leo’s—

I think I’m gonna hurl.

They’re standing beneath that tree and staring at the ground. Staring at it. Cursing it. Weeping over it.

His grave. Cold and desolate and unfeeling. Just like Leo.

“You don’t mean that.”

I don’t. But it’s easier to remember the things I hated about him. Easier to be angry at him. To hate him. For coming after me. For babysitting. For not trusting me.

For leaving.

“Still here.”

He’s not. His voice floats around me like a vulture circling prey, tempting me to believe it’s real. But it can’t be. He’s gone. Left me alone on that roof, holding his body, begging for death. He can’t be here. He can’t be. He’s… he’s…

“Dead?”

“RAPH!”

I start throwing fists again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Raph…”

“Tell them…”

Light filters in slowly. Like rays creeping through an old window shade. I can’t move because my body aches so much. My breath is coming slow and steady, and for the first time I’m not waking up surrounded by fog. Everything is clear. I know where I am.

I’m at the farmhouse. By Leo’s grave. With my brothers around—

Mike. Don.

My eyes snap wide open and scan the area. Where are they? Did they leave? Did I drive them off again?

“Hey Raph—“

I turn so sharp, Don pulls his arms back in a surrender position. “—Whoa! Just me.”

I let breath come again and nod, focusing on trying to slow my pounding heartbeat. Don just watches me, patient and calm—he’s gotta be freezing sitting there in the dirt like that—while I try to settle myself. He must notice me searching because he answers my question before I can ask it.

“He’s inside getting some tea. We figured you’d probably be cold when you woke up.”

I nod, but honestly, I don’t feel the cold yet. I can see my breath, but I’m not feeling the wind’s bite. Of course, it’s only then that I notice the jacket draped over my shoulders. I look up in time to see Don shiver and immediately feel guilty. His eyes are red and baggy like they get when he’s stayed up all night, and I don’t gotta ask to know we’ve been out here a while. And him and Mike have been with me the whole time.

“Here.” I offer the jacket, but he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, you should keep it. You’ve been out here longer and I’m pretty sure your extremities are going numb.”

I don’t argue, slinging the coat around my shell and giving my hands a good clench; he’s right, I don’t feel a thing. And this time it ain’t because I punched something too hard.

“Besides, Mikey should be back with the tea any minute.”

…There’s something else he wants to say. He always readjusts his glasses when he’s holding something back. I should prod. I should make sure he’s okay. But everything in me wants to hang onto this silence. I don’t have the strength for any more emotional outbursts. How does Mikey do this all the time?

“Look who finally woke up!”

Speak of the devil.

“How are you feeling? You up for some tea?”

I glance at the cup warily, not entirely sure I want to risk drinking tea made by Mikey. He’s not exactly known for his brewing skills. But he must have seen the face I made because he laughs and hands me the mug.

“Don’t worry, Sensei made it.”

In that case… “Thanks.” I say quietly, still keeping my eyes to ground. Can’t dare look at either of them. The tea provides a perfect way to avoid eye contact, allowing me to focus solely on the cup and enjoy the warmth now radiating through my chest to my fingertips.

Mikey folds his legs and sits on my other side. Normally being surrounded like this would give me those caged animal instincts, but for right now, I’m perfectly content to have a brother on each arm.

We sit there in silence for a good long while, all drinking our tea and letting the air remain still around us. It’s odd sitting in the quiet like this. Not something I normally find comforting. Today it is. I can’t explain why, but I ain’t gonna fight it either. I’m perfectly content to enjoy the mute company.

The wind dies entirely after a few minutes and the world comes to a complete stand still.

No matter how much I try to avoid it, my eyes keep dragging over to that name carved in stone. Every time I look at it I see his face, twisted in fear and shoutin’ my name as he pushes me away.

“RAPH!”

Blood dripping down his lips as he fights to speak.

“You still… don’t get it.”

That stupid smile on his face and a kind look in his eyes, like he was trying to convey something he couldn’t put into words.

“…M’Sorry.” He whispers something haltingly with the last of his breath, but I’m panicking too much to let it sink in.

My eyes go wide and my mind snaps to. I remember...

“Remember what I told you. The last thing I said. Never forget. Please…”

I swear I hear him whisper in my ear beside me.

“Tell them…”

“I’m so proud.” I feel both of them turn to look at me abruptly. Probably shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that, but what the hell. It’s out there now. “Leo—“ A sob hops up my throat and I gotta take a moment to push it away. Just let me say this… “Right before he died… he said for me to tell you ‘I’m so proud…’” I have to take another sharp breath as the image bleeds into my mind. “There was somethin’ else, something he was trying to say after that, but he… he didn’t… he didn’t finish…”

Dammit. I can hear the end of his sentence trail off with the last of his breath. I can feel his body grow cold under my hands. I’m shaking again… my tea spills all over the place, so I abandon it on the ground.

I hear Mikey sniff beside me and turn to see his eyes pouring tears again. But he’s smiling… I look at Don and he’s the same.

We all know what Leo means when he says he’s proud.

Mikey reaches forward and touches the stone, sniffing through his tears. “We love you too, Leo.”

Don does the same motion, touching the stone as reverently as possible, but is unable or unwilling to say anything as he lets the tears flow.

“His last thoughts were about us… the idiot couldn’t even think of himself on his own death bed.” I can’t tell if I’m speaking out loud or in my head anymore. Everything just… aches. “He thought about us… even after I—“

“He didn’t blame you, Raph. I’m sure of it.” Mikey cuts in, hand still grasping the stone, tracing the name with his eyes. “He loved you. You have to know that. He loved you.”

Don reaches over with his free hand and takes mine, holding it tight enough that I can feel him through the numbness. “And we do too.” He says emphatically. “We don’t… we could never…” He cuts himself off by lifting his head up to try and hold the tears in so he can speak. “We love you. Always.”

Mikey follows suit, taking my free hand in his and giving me one of his classic ‘it’ll be okay’ smiles.

I can’t say it makes the guilt go away. If anything, their understanding makes it burn even hotter.

But they mean what they say. I can see it. Feel it. And that’s more than enough. More than I deserve.

“I’m sorry—“ I barely get the words out through the ache in my chest. “I’m so sorry…”

Tears stream down my cheeks and I don’t bother trying to stop ‘em. My body quakes with my silent sobs, and I cling to my brothers for dear life as we wrap our arms around each other’s shoulders, crying and clutching and mourning together, Mike and Don still touching that cold stone with one hand, connecting us with it.

Connecting us our missing piece.

Connecting us with Leonardo.

“Still here...”

The tears are unending.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Previous < - > Next

There you have it. As I said, this is the last chapter I've written so far. I've been working on the next one for over a year now, but as my regular readers know, endings just are not my strong suit. I'm hoping to have it finished before the end of the summer, but that will depend on what life throws my way. As always, if any of this was confusing (I know it jumps around a lot) please let me know. End of Line.

-TRAaP

#tmnt fanfiction #tworoadsandapenny #tmnt #traap #tmnt 2003 #tmnt bayverse #tmnt 2012 #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt leonardo #what you wish for #in the end #hurt/comfort #finally some comfort #tmnt brothers #brotherly fluff

[cupcakeslushie]

My contribution to the baby saga over in the Separated Council Discord!

Everyone but Sprout is getting baby-fied, Red and One will as well, but before that, they’ll cause as much mischief as possible.

Labels for everyone below! 👇

EW is mine!

Annnd *deep breath*

Separated Leo AU @dianagj-art

Two Arms Left @intotheelliwoods

Red Rover AU @red-rover-au

Same as it never will be @heckitall

Gemini AU @tangledinink

The Little Prince @beannary

Tiz Sep AU @tizeline

Never Better @less-depresso-more-espresso

True Colors @v-albion

Even More Disaster @teaableu and @3lectricinsomnia

Tentative Devotee @s0fti3w1tch

The Night @y0unginhumans

Villain PB&J @onionninjasstuff

SnapDragon @bluesgras

Little Brother @sharkfinn

Mutant Manhunt @brainrottmnt

Life Mission @daedelweiss

Phew.

#rottmnt #rottmnt fanart #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt separated au #separated council #rise leo #rise donnie #rise raph #rise mikey #separated leo au #the little prince #red rover au #two arms left #2al #ew au #tentative devotee #the night AU #snapdragon #little brother #mutant manhunt #life mission #even more disaster #emd au #vpb&j au #true colors #never better #tiz sep au #gemini au #sainwb

[koolaidashley]

Prodigy raph and his 3 villain adjacent brothers

#stay strong brother ….. #rottmnt #tmnt #rottmnt au #prodigy au #rottmnt separated au #rottmnt leo #rottmnt raph #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt mikey