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atom-writings · 1 month

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omgg i cant stop giggling n kicking my feet BUT can i request gn!reader 'accidentally' leaving a lipstick kiss mark on russia, america, canada, greece and japan before they leave for the day and the countries dont notice until either from a mirror or someone else points it out? AAOUGUGGH

hetalia russia, america, canada, greece, and japan when their s/os leave a kiss in lipstick

1.6k words ~ gender neutral headcanons

tw: none!

a/n: hjey guys did you know being a costume director is time consuming? i did not. send help. also enjoythis idk

Russia

It was never an easy affair to get Ivan out of the house. His clinginess combined with how admittedly boring his job was made it near impossible for him to leave without you forcing him to. Today was one of those days, and you were beginning to think you’d have to leave with him.

"But darling, can't you understand? It's so cold and miserable out there..." He whines as he holds you.

He's got you positioned so that you're standing between his legs while he sits on the couch, his arms wrapped tightly around you and his head resting against your chest. So... no escape available without coaxing.

"I know, I know, but you'll be late..."

"They will be ok without me, but I won't be ok without you!"

All you can do is sigh until you're suddenly struck with an idea. You can't go with him, but you can leave something with him. And looking down at his snow-white skin, you have just the idea.

"But you won't have to be without me, Vanya!" You chide, tilting his head up to look at you. His face lights up instantly.

"What do you mean?"

Instead of responding, you lean down and press a soft kiss against his forehead, leaving a pink imprint of your lips on his face.

"That one was magic, ok? It'll stay with you the whole day, so I'll always be with you!" It's childish, and you're struggling not to laugh, but his innocent expression tells you all you need to know. He'll finally let you go, none the wiser as to what you really meant.

"Ah- Mr. Braginsky..." Some random intern was forced to prompt later in the day, his tone fearful as to how Ivan would react.

"Yes?"

"You... you have something on- on your face..."

"Huh?" He reaches up to wipe where the intern had gestured, but only smiles when he comes away with your favourite lipstick. He decides that whatever left can stay... it's just your magic, after all.

America

Alfred was a busy man for all the effort he expended to prevent that exact reality. He'd much rather spend all day playing video games at home with you, but duty calls. Though, now, was just glad that for once, you were busy as well.

“Hey, babe!” He greets you with a bright smile, resting his hand on your shoulder before moving to sit across from you. The meeting spot he had chosen was busy, but at least it wasn't far from either places you two needed to be.

“Were you waiting long?”

“No, not really,“ You respond with a sigh, twirling the straw in your drink.

”Well, that's good because uh- bad news, I won't be able to stay l-“

”Ugh! Seriously?“

He shrinks a little, fidgeting with his hair, ”Yeah, I know, but like- I can't reall-“

”Do they know you're a person? Like, a person who needs to live?“

“Technically, I'm not, babe,” He laughs, “But I appreciate how protective you are anyway.“

He continued to talk with you for a while, about your day, his day, a weird guy he saw on the street, about how you can't keep threatening his boss because he's the president- until after only a few moments, his phone rang.

He sucked in a quick breath and accepted it, only speaking for a second. Then, he got up with a dramatic groan.

“That's my cue. I guess I'll see you later, K?”

But he wasn't about to get away that easy. You shot up, grabbing onto his tie and pulling closer so you could kiss his cheek quickly.

“For good luck,” You assure, and he grins.

“What are you guys laughing about?” Alfred asks as soon as he goes back to work, looking nervously at the group of co-workers pointing at him.

“Got something on your face, man!”

Instantly, he realizes what happened and hurriedly wipes it off. His face is red with embarrassment, but he can't deny the butterflies in his stomach.

Canada

No matter how long you've been together, Matthew never stopped trying to be the picture-perfect boyfriend. At least, that's what you thought as he chose to show up with roses when he came to pick you up. It might've been a fancy event, but you're sure no one else would be doing that kind of thing. But who were you this kind of attention?

“Uhm- good evening, Y/N,” He stutters out as you let him come in for a moment.

“Awww, you shouldn't have!“ You take the roses from him and set them aside.

”It- It's nothing, really-“

”Most men wouldn't even think of that anymore...“ You assure him. He looks sheepish now as if he hadn't expected you to like your gift.

”Then- then, um- they should learn how to t-treat their partners...“

How cute. You walk over to him and stand on your toes to kiss his cheek, to which he immediately stiffens and blushes.

“Thank you, Matthew.”

“Ye-Yeah, uh-huh- yeah- y-you're welcome,” He mumbles, looking down in embarrassment. The colour gracing his cheeks almost perfectly matches the mark your lipstick left behind. You begin to say something about it, but before you can, he frantically cuts you off.

“So- we should get g-going right? Right, time to go...” He blurts out, taking your hand and almost dragging you out to the car.

Finally, once you two arrived at the event, you gathered the courage to tell him.

While you two walked, arm in arm, up to the main entrance, you suddenly blurted out, ”You have lipstick on your cheek!“

Except by that time, more than a couple of people had seen him. causing him to instantly freeze up.

The colour drained from his face, and he weakly whimpered out, ”Um, c-could you- uh- g-get it?“

You immediately obliged, cleaning off his cheek. He was embarrassed, but it was still on his mind all night.

Greece

“But do you have to?”

“Yes.”

“But-”

“I’m not getting out of this one, ok?”

“But I don’t want you to go…” His protests were typical, but that didn’t make them any less annoying. Although, it’s hard to resist him when he’s clinging to you like a lost puppy and he smells like he just finished cooking.

“It’ll only be a few hours, ok?” You sigh, finally finishing your makeup.

All he can do now is whine softly, which makes you realize there may be only one way to stop his desperate clinginess. You turn around in his arms, take his pleading face in your hands, and press frenzied kisses all over it. Instantly, his eyes light up and his lips form a dopish smile, and you know you’re free.

“Is that better?” You ask, and he nods. But before you let go, you have to admire how silly he looks with your lips painted all over his face.

By the time you return home, it’s already dark. The house is quiet, and when you check the time, you realize he would’ve fallen asleep hours ago. But considering how exhausted you are already, it’s nothing but a relief.

When you enter your shared bedroom, your thoughts are confirmed. He’s already passed out, his broad body splayed haphazardly over your blankets. At first, you don’t think anything of it. But when you turn on the light to get ready for bed, you notice the red stains still sitting on his cheeks.

Somehow, throughout the entire rest of the day, he never looked in the mirror long enough to notice the lipstick covering his face. Or, maybe he did, and just decided that your tokens of affection could stay.

Japan

Kiku was never late. Not even when tired, sick, or at war, was he late to anything. So, the one day that he allowed himself to relax with you, was naturally the first day in centuries that he hadn’t been an hour early.

“It’s gonna be alright!” You call out from the bathroom while you do your makeup, and he doesn’t even waste the time to respond. Even from all the way across the house, you can hear him desperately throwing things together.

“It is not alright!”

“You’ll still be on time!” That doesn’t seem to convince him to calm down at all, as you can hear his panicked breaths growing louder as he makes his way over to the entry door.

“Wait, wait, hold on,” You insist, and he pauses for a moment. When you meet him at the door, he looks a mess. His hair was askew, his eyes wild with panic, and his tie nearly all the way to the side.

You sigh and begin tidying him up. He relaxes under your touch, you can tell even from under his layers of stoicism; although he can’t allow himself to bask in your attention for long.

“I must go-”

“I know, I know, just…” You pull him forward, quickly pressing a kiss to his cheek. He blushes but doesn’t let that distract him. In a moment, he’s gone out the door.

After a frenzied drive into the city, he can finally breathe a sigh of relief. 10 minutes early… not great, but enough. He looks in the mirror one last time, making sure he looks his best before he finally steps out into the public when he notices it. The print of your lipstick, still on his cheek.

His touch lingers on it for a moment, his breathing stilling, before he rubs it off. You’ll just have to replace it later, he tells himself before he finally steps out of the car.

#not proofread at all #heta tag #hetalia imagines #hetalia x reader #ivan tag <3 #aph russia x reader #alfred tag #aph america x reader #hws america x reader #hws russia x reader #matthew tag #aph canada x reader #hws canada x reader #heracles tag #aph greece x reader #hws greece x reader #kiku tag #aph japan x reader #hws japan x reader

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broodwolf221 · 5 months

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i have been thinking about the evanuris so much since that trailer dropped. this is gonna be rambly, long, and kinda heavy

i dont find criticizing the things i like to usually be very useful or good for my overall mental health, but seriously, im still very, deeply upset with the way dai handled the evanuris. i wish they had gone almost any other direction. making the extremely oppressed dalish's gods into a) not gods and b) actually awful slavers! is like. well. points for finding the most fucked up path forward and dedicating yourselves to it, i guess

bc of that, i can't help but hold out a sliver of hope for a bit of a retcon with da4. i'm not talking issues of likelihood or implication here, just desire and the fact that retcons of standing game canon are obviously possible. it's happened a number of time - solas dropping the big Actually The Evanuris Are Monsters thing on us was one of the bigger retcons of everything we'd ever learned about the creators, in fact

and if they don't change the slavery aspect entirely, i want them to at least... idk how to say this. diversify opinion on it within the evanuris? make it more complicated? the evanuris are presumably at war with the forgotten ones and the titans. could they also be at war with themselves?

how old is their history of slavery? how did it begin? why wait for fen'harel's rebellion to address it? who's telling the story of the evanuris? the dread wolf? obviously i love solas but i'd honestly rather see him as a liar and a bad guy who twisted the whole thing and the evanuris as the creators. or maybe he's just someone who doesn't remember things as clearly as he thinks he does, someone for whom his "millennia of dark, dreaming sleep" distorted his recollection of arlathan

flemythal is obviously fucked up. there's theories about her being a spirit, or part-spirit, theories i've also entertained, in which case i could see her being justice -> vengeance. maybe becoming vengeance is what made her 'bad' - like being abusive to morrigan, possibly sorta grooming kieran, etc. but during arlathan, was she the only 'good' evanuris? are they all irredeemably evil? i hate irredeemably evil arcs. i don't want every villain to be redeemed, either, that's not my point at all, but i hate the You're Evil-Bad And Obviously Can Never Change arcs. i hate black and white dynamics like that.

it's messy af to make slavers sympathetic. they managed decently with dorian - he grapples with the reality of the situation he was born into and never had cause to question, and comes out the other side with a changed opinion.

idk what i want. i want to give the dalish people their gods back. i don't want their hard-won and harder-maintained faith to be usurped by such an ugly reality. i want to redo the ending of trespasser to make it that the Maker is real and just a massive piece of shit. that'd be fine.

and if they can't retcon it, i want some of the evanuris - idc who, rly - to be opposed, to have grown, to return in humility to the dalish who have spent all this time honoring them. not as gods, but as people. if they can't have their gods, let them have the reality of those 'gods' working towards something better than their grim history. let dalish wear their vallaslin with pride instead of calling it a naive attempt to clutch at the branding of slavery. ugh. it's just so ugly and complicated i hate it.

#broodmeta #bioware critical #evanuris #sighs forever #okay im done with the critical posts for tonight i just needed to get this off my chest #i love these games i do but...#sometimes they make rly bad choices. like. RLY bad choices.

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 2 years

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vent post, .. putting it under readmore cus its long.

sooo yeah, basically, idk waht to do with my life, and i feel like a burden in the sense that i cant provide for myself rn. i never talk about my living situation but i am almost 29 yrs old, unemployed and having to be supported by my friends cus my family is too poor to help me in any way. like i have to live with my friend’s parents which somehow feels even more pathetic than living w my own parents.. i mean ofc i am very grateful to them for helping me but the guilt racks up more n more each day. when i was 14 my mom told me, ok you’re old enough to work now so you have to get a job if you want literally anything for yourself that isn’t the bare essentials. u want anything other than canned soup for dinner? thats on u. so i got a job, at 14!!! i think back now and im like what the fuck. i was a child... but alas. i worked and worked, i was almost never unemployed my whole life after age 14, except for during 2020 pandemic, and these past few months.

work, work, work, i worked so many piece of shit jobs, i never went to school or anything, there were a few good jobs here n there but they’d always end up getting sabotaged by one of my bipolar episodes. a lot of times, when i was rly desperate, i wld resort to escorting, which i just fucking hated and have been put in a lot of compromising situations and ugh. yeah, what im GETTING at is, ive literally never had security in my life, ive never had resources, the past 15 or so years have been lived in survival mode, and 6 months ago i finally fucking crashed and burned. like, no, i fucking refuse to work anymore, im suicidal all the time, ive never been able to heal from anything that’s happend to me, i dont care if i die broke and alone, i just cant work these demeaning ass jobs anymore. im very grateful to my friedns who have been helping me not die since then, i try rly hard to live frugally, i only eat what i rly need, rarely treat myslef, etc etc.

but now its like, where do i go from here? i know i need to start thinking about generating income again and it makes me so fucking sick. all i can rly do is commissions, but i hate putting a price on art, its only fun to me when im doing it for free. i dont want it to stop being fun. i dont want it to be about money. im scared to try i guess. i definitely dont want to work another stupid job but i also just sit in the house all day and it feels unhealthy. i dont want to meet people, i dont want coworkers, hate putting myself out there cus i cant relate to anyone. hate watching them in real time slowly realize that theres something seriously wrong with me, its embarrassing. i just need something to do.. i dont have a car or anything, i dont even know how to drive because i always figured id be too poor to afford a car. and so far ive been correct about that.

i guess this post is pretty embarrassing too but oh well.. i figure at least on here some ppl can relate.. like fuck i cant even get a therapist to respond to me. everyone just keeps begging me to get therapy as if it will save me. im really lonely w all my feelings and memories. i feel like im in purgatory and all i can do is keep drawing pictures for ppl to enjoy and trying to post things that are uplifting so i can at least make someone elses day a little brighter. but i wish i had a plan or an answer or a real goal. i reallty really really want to be nothing.

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timothylawrence · 2 months

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OK P4 thoughts.... now that it's been like 18 hours...

overall... solid 8.5/10. i loveee murder mysteries

the dynamic between the characters carried the game more than anything

multiple moments where I laughed out loud so s/o to the writers

AND despite guessing the big twist from day one, I was pleasantly surprised by various other twists and turns in the story so yay :)

never before has a silent protagonist literally swayed my heart in such a way Yu Narukami you are my angelll

ok spoiler-y review below :)

okay. serious review time but keep in mind im fasting so like these are the rambles from that. i'll start with the positives :)

did not believe jordan when she said i would be adopting these children by the end yet here i am. every single character you met had such a sweet and profound relationship and dynamic with one another... it was so so sweet. truly the high point of the game is how the characters interact. Yukiko and Chie, Rise and Naoto, Rise and Yu, Teddie and Yosuke, Naoto and Kanji... even Yosuke and Yu..... like they were all so so so wonderfully crafted with one another... AND RISE WAS THE SHINING STARRRRR

Dojima and Nanako.... the way i thought they wouldn't have such a big role and then by the end i was crying . yeah. big bro . i love u .

I KNEW IT WAS ADACHI!!!! I LITERALLY CALLED IT FROM DAY ONE!!! DAY ONE!!!! I just couldnt stick why he was choosing the teenagers,.... hence why the twist with Namatane was so fucking good. S/O to Jordan and Fil who had to listen to me scream about how he was the killer without being able to shut me up.

Okay but in all seriousness Teddie becoming human was like the wildest part of the game like did no one else go ??

The soundtrack bangs. to be expected.

Yosuke's SL was my favorite... i dont know how teary eyed i got but whew. it was teary. the ending scene on the grass... yea... yea...

man. the icon. the star. Yu Narukami. I NEVER thought I would like the protagonist, at least not more than "he's cool", and yet by the end I was more sad than anything to say goodbye to him!!! i had so much joy playing as him, he was so funny, so loyal, his dialogue options we're just phenomenal. He felt like a real character in his own world despite never even talking. I think I'll miss him the most/

ok time for the bad stuff:

okay like atlus why do you do this thing where you create such a good amazing storyline about humanity and what makes you you only to drop the ball and opt to make things creepy or some form of phobic !!! like WHY!!!!!!!

Kanji's treatment was actually vileeeee . I hate how they chickened out in the last moment because instead of having a whole discussion abt homophobia internalized and otherwise you've just created a homophobic ass arc in the game that serves no purpose. like UGH. just go the full mile!!! go !!! let him understand there's nothing wrong wit him being gay!!! stop backing out!! You quite literally would've had a near perfect arc if you just went that extra mile and didn't make things weird !!!

also naoto........ don't even wanna trudge into the discourse here but he/him Naoto is where I stand idk. his story kinda felt really similar to my own when i was in my teens but... again...Atlus...

hey atlus can you make ONE game where there isn't 10 scenes of teenage boys being creeps or has some form of teenage fan service. please.

rlly sucks that i cant reccommend this game without caveats because atlus is.... ugh. but yes. i did enjoy it. it has some moments that are genuinely uncomfortable and made me go :///. but i can fix things as is my will as a writer etc etc.

yeah i think thats what i have for now. i loved playing this game but i think i'll love thinking abt it and plotting even more..... <33333

#ewbie.txt #ewbie p4 liveblog #if anyone has more questions or comments... hmu... i havent stopped thinking abt this game man

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kin-the-muffin · 2 years

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GUYS

WHY DO I KEEP NOT SEEING THINGS UNTIL THE DAY AFTER THEY COME

for those who are unaware:

youtube

I AM GOING TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN

more of my screaming under the cut

ok so we’re starting right where we left off and OMIGOSH THE HUG I CANT HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

gus helping w the dishes is so sweet!! and amity omigosh this girl. not to mention camila is just taking it so coolly?? what am i saying, shes probably freaking out inside

I HAVE NEVER HATED A BAND-AID BOX IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I WILL NEVER DO SO MORE THAN I DO NOW IM GONNA CRY

is it just me or does it seem like luz is in shock? shes acting like everything’s fine, and not the way she acted in reaching out either, more like shes numb or something 🥺

hunter, bb, why would they hate you cuz youre a clone of caleb? that doesnt make you him. plus i dont actually think that caleb was ever a witch hunter in the first place. also, youre not helping luz. ily <3

why luz gotta blame herself, she couldn’t have ever known something like this would happen. and im not sure how time travel works in the owl house but id be willing to bet that even if she hadnt helped philip, he would have found someone else willing to be monster bait instead of her and lilith

‘we’ll tell them, when we’re ready’ girl that aint ever gonna happen. the way things go when ppl say stuff like that is that the thing gets pushed off until the characters cant help but slam right into it, no countermeasures to soften the blow. i am very worried about how this is gonna affect willow and amity.

AMITY’S LINGERING GAZE ON LUZ MA HEART AAAAAAA

ik there were some people who were worried that the gang wasnt gonna be ok with vee so im glad that they like her :)

well, glad to know that the philip-goo is, in fact, alive. screw that

gus nerding-out with all of the stuff in the basement XD (also camila why is there so much random stuff in your basement? 👀)

HUNTER NO STOP WHY WOULD YOU- UGH I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING OVER THIS

hunters little smile at gus :>

amity and willow protecting vee from the alarm clock, i cant- *wheeze*

ALL THE BABY PICTURES OF LUZ ARE SO CUTE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WISH I COULD SEE THEM BETTER HHH I CANT WAIT A WEEK!!!!

willow looks so cute with her hair down i swear

MONTAGE BABYYYYYYYY

OMIGOSH ITS A MONTAGE INSIDE A MONTAGE

I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO GLAD THEY DROPPED THE ‘luzity’ CRAP AND DID LUMITY

THE PICTURES ARE SO CUTE, IM GONNA- *dies*

‘HI IM BI’ IF I COME OUT, THIS IS HOW IM DOING IT

LUZ AND AMITY’S GRINS AT CAMILA THEY ALL LOOK SO HAPPY AND AMITY IS BLUSHING

gus, i love you so much for that, the rainbow and everything

their drawings of their families are so cuuuuuuuute (and amity not drawing karen HA)

WAIT IS WILLOW WEARING A SHIRT WITH A SHOOTING STAR?????? YALL KNOW DANA DID THAT FOR ALEX YALL KNOW IT

CAMILA’S RAINBOW HEART STICKER

VEE’S LITTLE TRANSITION WAS SO CUTE

HUNTER

MY DUDE

WHY DID YOU EVEN LET YOUR HAIR GET THAT LONG

AND WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT BOOK

(our first real look at caleb???)

OK BUT SERIOUSLY HE LOOKS SO GOOD WITH THAT NEW HAIRCUT I’LL ADMIT I WAS WORRIED BUT THEY PULLED IT OFF!

idk what they were doing but the portal kinda worked for a second, before it, yknow, combusted

what even is that blob, i dont even wanna try to guess whats in it (THEY ALL LOOK SO PROUD OF THEMSELVES, MY BABIES)

amity’s look of wonder at the rain, my beloved <3<3

im so happy they got to have some fun after all the trauma, they really needed it

do i even need to say anything about luz and amity in the rain

luz’s drawing skills have gotten so much better!!! (dat trauma tho. the depression that she cant have everything she wants in one world. in the human realm, she has her mom and vee but in the demon realm, she can do magic and has her best friends (and gf) and eda and king)

looks like her palisman has yet to arrive :(

darnit shes back at school (i wonder how she figured that all out)

thank you for coming to my ted talk, now back to your regularly-scheduled reblogs

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jinkicake · 1 year

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BIG MOOD PATHETIC SCARAMOUCHE IS SO FUNNY HES RLY THE LITTLE MEOW MEOW😭 need him to be absolutely obsessed w me but he’s too embarrassed that he wants to hold my hand so he pretends to hate me and im like “ that’s mice sweetheart what di you want for dinner?” Saw someone make a dc where you ignore him for like 5 days and he’s on his knees begging like “PLEASE LOOK AT ME” like thats so real to me😭😭 bc once you’ve given him affection he’s gunna do everything to keep it within his grasp😔 ALSO HE DEF WOULD TIE YOU UP AND LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN💀 childe and singora are so casual about it😭 when he comes back they talk like you’re not even there “how long have they been here?” “I lost count after the fourth hour” “ they’re still conscious I’m impressed” like he’s such an asshole but he will do the 🥺🥺👉🏼👈🏼”can I have a hug” afterwards💀 love that for him. Keeps him in my pocket like a little purse dog, he’s my guard dog boyfriend bc he will kill first and ask questions later. “ I don’t like how he looked at you” “he’s the waiter” AND YOOOO DONT EVEN LET DOTTORE UGLY ASS COME CLOSE TO YOU ITS OVER FR-don’t like his new design he’s just a creep like I was the “clones” back the short haired funny scientist dude like I like them unhinged in a clown way!! He’s fuckable, the abusive leather daddy dom on the other hand😒 like he’s fun if he has a tired annoyed uncle personally like he lives to bully childe. But just going around threatening scaramouche and collei bc I forgot he did experiments on her too in the manga is musty like that mask is lame!! WHERE IS THE CLOWN KING😡- he would reflexively go for his throat like he opens his mouth and suddenly his throat is slit “ my bad I got anxious” SGDHSHS UNDERSTANDABLE😭😭😭 and the streets is saying he’s gunna have a claymore??? BE SERIOUS HES A SCIENTISTS TWINK WHOS HUNCHED IVER IN A LAB ALL DAY HE CANT CARY THAT SHIT?? Like he only experiments on KIDS bc he could never kidnap a whole adult like imagine he tries to get itto?? HIS ASS WOULD BE DEAD IN 10 SECONDS!! HE CANNOT FIGHT DELUSION OR NOT!! I would beat his ASS like if you don’t get your ass out my face looking like an X-ray 😒 like be bothering all them people bc he wants so ass he weights 70 pounds soaking wet so he needs to borrow childes body weight

no exACTLY. listen, i love mean!scaramouche as much as the next person but if he's not obsessed then i dont want him. pathetic!scaramouche is the best scaramouche

i saw this scaralumi fanart of him drunk at a bar and diluc calls lumine to calm scara down and when she answers hes like 'hey ugly' and she hangs up and he starts crying again and ugh it's too perfect like that artist captured his best side with that simple fanart heheh

HAHAH yeah scaramouche is the worst bc he would do something so mean to you like ignore you while working but the second he finds out youre mad at him he'll be begging for your attention like he didn't just starve you for two days.... hes a great yandere me thinks-

Scaramouche = purse dog is the best comparison ive ever read T T

okay hear me out... i can forgive all the heinous crimes dottore has committed but i draw the line at him being UGLY. Maybe if he were cuter I would also be obsessed w him but he's so..... eh- LOL i like the clones better than him! (rip to the clones :-(() but also.... him being ugly is kinda the appeal? am i right??? i can never make up my mind-

dottore is supposed to have a CLAYMORE?! WHAT THE HLLL,,,im very confused about his leaks bc i heard that the shit company can't let characters be playable if theyre evil and tbh i dont want him to be redeemed bc he literally cant be redeemed and hes fun as a psycho like??? idk idk idk im just focused on sexy yelan in 3.4 she will be mine!

also isn't dottore one of the top three strongest in the fatui??? right i think....? i seriously dont know how but tbh i dont care! i just focus on mr hottie soooooooooooo sexy capitano teehee

#sarahandoikawatalkshit

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koqabear · 7 months

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What'd you think about chasing the feeling (as in the sing itself)

UGH I LOVE IT. i think it's so interesting how txt is able to just tap into every genre ever and execute it so well?? like each of their title tracks has something so new and unique to offer, and they're such diverse artist with unique voices and looove their music sm idk 😭😭

i started yapping so bad i had to put a read more 😭

another thing i always love to pick at and dissect is the way they change their tones and vocal techniques when they sing different genres?? like yes, i know it's something you're supposed to do if you want to execute a song right but like. some artists just dont... do it as much. but it's even more satisfying bc they've said it themselves that they do it purposefully!! like when they talked abt tinnitus or.. i think it was sugar rush? they mentioned that they like to experiment with different ways and styles when singing their lines, and they even take inspiration off each other when they're in the studio recording!!

BUT OK I HAVE A POINT TO THIS. THE POINT IS that their different voices just shine SO WELL in this title track. like you can seriously pick the little techniques that they like to do so clearly, their singing styles, the difference between gyu's airy and delicate voice in contrast to yeonjun's forward voice 🤤 OMG I LOVE when yeonjun sings like that, his enunciation is so interesting, especially because he has a lot of lines where he sings with a bit legato and then he suddenly adds accents to words !!! just wheewwww 😖(its been way too long since ive done anything music related so if im not making sense just. please go easy on me.)

the song as a whole is also just perfect !! one thing i will forever be obsessed with is the use of synths ! it makes the instrumental so pretty and compliments the whole new wave vibe they're going for, i seriously didn't expect them to go in this direction for this comeback, and i think that's what makes it so much more satisfying ‼️ the buildup in the prechorus is SOO GOOD. the instrumental rlly aids to it with the little like... buildup... fuck i forgot what it's called exactly but then when there's that little snare(?) and it leads to the most GODLY LAYERED HARMONY. i am so obsessed with layered harmonies, seriously. (red velvet is my sanctuary)

and ofc.... taehyun's high note.... his voice is just so mesmerizing im forever gonna be obsessed with it. it sounds so clear and is just pleasing to the ears, seriously. and the little "ooh" that he does after ??? MAN. I LOVE HIM IDK. IDK I LOVED THE SONG I NEED TO SHUT UP IM SORRYALDKGHS this was just supposed to be a few words idk how i got this far 😞

#I JUST LOOOVE ANALYZING SONGS 😭😭😭#i remember i did an essay once where i had to analyze two songs and explain the rhetorical strategies used #i picked pink in the night by mitski #and me and your mama by childish gambino #i LOVED. that assignment.#i never enjoyed writing an essay more in my life #i know no one is reading all this but i could srsly go on and on... and on...#sorry i just love music sm i cant even pretend to be normal abt it #rambles #koqabear asks

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rrxnjun · 11 months

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ok. i was gonna reply to ur comment but it got a bit too long of a rant HAHAHHA sorry😭

but girl i will never stop raving about ur fics istg like something about the way you write and your characters always seem to hit home for me like i always seem to connect with your characters. you make their emotions and the scenarios they're in so vivid and raw and IBFIWRFO i eat it up😭😭😭

i never used to like reading angst but you execute it so well that i'll literally love it when you do it (e.g. fics like two people, when nobody's watching, potential) IDK MAN it physically hurts my heart I FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS MAN IDK

when nobody's watching: when the reader's looking at renjun thru the years from her perspective when the reader wants to reach out, I WANT TO REACH OUT LIKESJFGOWRG WHEN RENJUN SMASHES THE BOTTLE AT THE PARTY YK????

two people: the way you describe jeno and y/n's suffocating one way relationship, I UNDERSTAND THE READER!!! jeno is perfect, he tries to fix the relationship but IT JUST DOESNT WORK THAT WAY the relationship was way over before he tried to fix it and ITS SO REAL!!!! the inner turmoil the reader went thru and the slow changing feels for mark WAS JUST- UGH *chefs kiss

potential: man. where do i even start with this fic. it's a storyline that i never knew i needed to read in my life. like bar u don't understand, potential had me in despair for the next 4 days. i can understand chenle's pain, y/n's confusion, their complicated love for each other. i don't think words can describe how special this story is to me.

this.... became a lot longer than i anticipated and IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON ABOUT THE SAME THREE FICS OVER AND OVER OSBFOWRGO but seriously tho, i genuinely love everything you put out, keep up the hard work💗

(i think this is the longest ask i've ever sent lol)

i treat writing as my therapy session so maybe thats why the characters are always so raw- NO but omg this is such an honor bc i really focus more on the characters than the plot i think and i really try to develop them really well and stuff and i focus a lot on the feelings and emotions so >:((( i am so happy that you like that about my writing !!!

the paradox is that i HATE reading angst. like if its in a long fic where its mixed up i dont mind and i think its important to have angstier parts in a long fic too but if its a drabble and its angsty i just won't read it LMAOOO

when nobody's watching was such a spontaneous fic istg i wrote it in what. two days? at uni LMAO. i got the idea when i was like,, watching this guy from afar and then i realised i ALWAYS DO THIS like i always have those silly crushes on ppl and never tell them bc im scared but i care so deeply for ppl that dont even know i exist 😭😭😭 but also i find that i used to change myself a lot to fit into social circles and even tho uni was really lonely for me at first that i kinda let go of that the same way renjun did so it was definitely cathartic to write :,)

honestly to this day idk how i even managed to write two people. like i think its the only fic i have thats about adult mature ppl LMAO all my other fics are like college aus and shit. like where did all of that pain and angst even come from ???? but i am so glad u liked it, i didnt expect ppl to enjoy that kind of fic >:((

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON POTENTIAL why are my best fics always the most spontaneous. its literally like in my top 5 fav fics ive ever written so i am insanely happy that you like it sm !!! <33 chenle's character in this fic is insanely personal to me also :,) the readers and his dynamic is also one of my favs ive ever written,, idk idk theres just something about this fic...

i am really honored to recieve this in my inbox its so sweet of you and i definitely appreciate it a LOT hope you dont mind me rambling about the fics i just enjoy talking about my writing :,)

#💌ask #j 🌱#feedback !!#fic: when nobody's watching #fic: potential #fic: two people

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inutaffy · 1 year

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here we go again. SO. JUST. all leo has to go on about being the leader at first WAS THE CARTOONS HE WATCHED AND STUFF. THE 2K12 TURTLES HAD NO CONTACT WITH THE TOPSIDE WORLD UNTIL THEY WERE LIKE 15. so all leo ever KNEW about being leader was that they were independent and indomitable and clever and skilled and FEARLESS and just so so cool, and he looked at that and said “hey!!! i wanna be just like that!! i can be just like that!!!” AND ITS. ITS SO FUCKING. IT KILLS ME. IT GENUINELY HURTS ME.

and when splinter was all “time to choose a leader… wonder who it should be….” LEO OBVIOUSLY IS ALL “ME ME ME.” and the rest is history

bc dude idk if yoU UNDERSTAND BUT MAN. leo goes INTO BATTLE with the worst (best) lines man,,,, he is so dorky,,,, im not kidding i might just go back and watch a few eps tmr just to show you. bc he says some funny stuff that just!!! it makes you go oh hey!!!! thats a kid!!! just a little guy!!! BC HE IS!!!! HE IS A 15 YEAR OLD IMITATING HIS HEROES MAN. HE JUMPS INTO A FIGHT AND GOES “HALT VILLAIN!!!!” HE GOES “…wdym?? we’re heroes this is how heroes talk.” HE GOES “alright guys! prepare to dish out the mighty wrath of justice!” BC HE IS A KID. LORD HAVE MERCY. GET HIM A NINTENDO OR SOMETHING IDK

and then the goddamn kraang show up and splinter tells him to prepare to do whatever it takes, no whatever what they have to sacrifice, and it just. THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS THE START OF IT ALL. THAT’S WHEN HE STARTED LEADING TRAINING, AND TAKING THINGS A TOUCH MORE SERIOUSLY, BC NOW HE WAS STARTING TO SEE WHAT HE COULD LOOSE. THIS WASNT LIKE SPACE HEROES. IT WASNT A GAME. AND HE SAYS “maybe i shouldn’t be leading the team.?” AND HE SAYS “i dont think i’m cut out for this sensei..” AND HE SAYS “i failed. i’m a failure. i let the guys down.” AND JUST. JUST. OUGH. FLIPPING TABLES.

i say that the season 1 kraang almost invasion was the start of it all bc i dont think everything really sinks in until leo gets reality checked within an inch of his life by fuckinf shredder at the end of s2. that was AWFUL. that was so awful… god. ugh. like that CHANGED HIM right there that SCARED HIM. HE LITERALLY SAYS “i don’t think i’ll ever be the same again..” AND HE’S RIGHT. LEO REALLY TRULY ISNT THE SAME AFTER THAT. he’s still a dork, at his core he is still a moron of course but just, he KNOWS NOW. he knows the HORRORS and again, as leader, he has to be the one to make sure it never happens again bc thats just what he’s supposed to do thats what he’s been taught. and its just so awful bc he wanted to so badly and it wasnt what he expected at all,,, he just wanted to be a hero and go on adventures with his brothers he didnt know it would get so intense and so serious so quickly he didnt know he’d loose his dad and his planet and his friends and it makes his whole character so

anywags im going to sleep now. and i typed fhis without my glasses so ignore any outrageous typos its MOT MY FAULT

damn....... the price he paid huh

#leader aint all it cracked up 2 be #sorry im thinking #hashtag psychoanalysing ur taste in fictional characters

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pacifymebby · 10 months

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do you have any advice for getting back into work after taking some time off to deal with mental health stuff? I'm kinda nervous that when it comes to interviews I'm going to get asked about the gap in my CV

Ugh this is a tricky one because its not something I've ever had to do (but i should probably start thinking about it because i may well have to do it soon ha ha)

I think that it depends which country youre in and what protections there are for mental health. For example, in the uk there are protections, mental health issues a protected characteristic so you can't legally be discriminated against for them. However workplaces find ways to get around that all the time so idk.

If it were me I'd try to put a positive spin on it during interviews. You can talk about how you have a good understanding of your mental health, that you've done a lot of learning about it, developed lots of coping mechanisms and that you're good at knowing what you are capable of at a time, and what you might struggle with. Knowing when to take a break or when to rest is actually an incredibly important skill and one that is vital to the workplace.

I honestly think that its worse when u have a team member who is clearly sick/burnt out, carrying on and refusing help or refusing to rest, than it is to have someone who calls in sick... Because the person "trooping" on is risking making serious mistakes with potentially dangerous consequences, they could be making the job harder for other members of staff who have to kind of pick up their slack if you know what i mean? I feel like these things sound awful to say but they are, from a business perspective, true. When you have a martyr in a team they often cause the rest of the team unnecessary stress. Sometimes its better for everyone if a person who is seriously unwell takes time off to get better.

But if u were gonna say that in an interview probably try to make it sound less evil first.

The important thing i think to focus on is talking about like, what you did with that time off... Even if all u did was rest, you should tell them that you used the time off to get to know yourself better, to learn about mental health, to develop healthy coping mechanisms which work for you. That having used the time to develop you feel you're a better person for it, you're wiser and more balanced etc, that you now have the skills you need to manage your mental health safely and consistently.

Like you're basically saying "i didnt just skyve off i persued self betterment?" (which honestly i personally believe if someone whos taking time off for health is doing like just resting and self care etc, i dont think that's a bad thing but non empathetic people dont understand that idk)

I hope that helps. I have to say im not feeling particularly great about my ability to give advice today since i received a rejection for the job i really wanted today. So idk im that qualified to give this but i tried haha

#Hope u get a job u like that makes u as happy as work possibly can

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mourningmoth · 1 year

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the way in which people talk about consuming art also comes off as extremely hurtful and dismissive a lot of the time if im honest

for example, theres a sentiment i see repeated a lot on this site AND on other media networks where people simplify visual art to what you immediately see and not mention appreciating it at all or thinking about it beyond that, compared to appreciating something like writing, which requires a different mode of interaction

something like "ugh you only have to glance at fanart for a few seconds to consume it, compared to the hours of reading time you have to put in for fanfic" is an extremely reductive comparison, i feel

1. it really feels unnecessary to make comparisons such as this to begin with tbh, bc it only feels like trying to put down one form of art over another, which is pointless. writing is not inherently more valuable than visual art, and vice versa. writing and art by themselves are not more valuable than film by default, or vice versa. the measure of value being determined by the arbitrary amount of time itd take to experience it isnt a helpful or fair measure imo. they're just different skills and different mediums that make different final products, but can communicate the same concepts and experiences

2. honestly extremely disheartening to think that i can put work into a single piece for months off and on only to get reduced to a "glance" lol. like I don't mean to sound petty but i dont put all the time into art that i do so people can just not notice anything striking about it and move on without a second thought

3. do people seriously not zoom in to look at smaller details? they dont look at the colours or the lighting and how it interacts? you dont take in the tone, mood, atmosphere, composition, or symbolism? do u try to notice the technical skill involved or appreciate the brushstrokes and textures? examine decisions the artist made in the creation of the piece?

idk if ur only glancing at visual art for a few seconds, thats not consuming it in any meaningful way. thats not appreciating it. and doing that is nowhere near comparable to how one would consume a completely different medium of art. and i think its really unfair to compare a seemingly uncaring interaction like "glancing" to putting actual hours into interacting with a different form of art. the mediums are different and that means you have to consume and appreciate them in fundamentally different ways sometimes, and thats not a bad thing and it doesnt make some art "more art" than other forms, or more valuable. it also doesnt make the labour involved in the creation of art more or less valuable

as i said, something that took a 2-second glance for someone to "consume" probably took me many weeks of work, and i dont like feeling as though all that time i pour into artistry is for essentially nothing

theres also some stuff i could go into about the reduction of appreciating art to simple "consumption", but i do not have the mental faculties to articulate those thoughts rn so i wont. but anyway, this kind of sentiment isnt new or anything, its bugged me on every art sharing platform ever for years, but i feel as though theres a specific resurgence of art in-fighting like this due to the advent of ai content. thank u for coming to my ted talk

#writing and painting both take an immense amount of skill and effort and time #and every artists process is different #sure some people can crank out a fully rendered realism portrait in less than an hour but not everyone works like that #the dreamer is awake

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futuregws · 2 years

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House of the dragon spoilers (rant/review idk)

I just finished watching and I'm mad, wtf was that ending, like I understand that the war is supposed to be a whole event and that was the main focus for the show, but seriously they couldn't have at least started it in this episode like obviously it wouldn't make sense for the whole thing to be on one episode and there wouldn't be enough time but the way it ended made it feel like there's gonna be more this season, it didn't feel like a season finale, and the fact that we are gonna have to wait years to see the rest ugh I hate it.

But now I wanna talk about the actual episode, first of all, I cannot believe ONE EPISODE was able to make me go back to hating Daemon all over again, like seriously wtf was that.

And now onto the most important part Rhaenyra, wow Emma D'Arcy the person you are, they have carried this show and given such an amazing performance every time, idk what it is with them and scenes where Rhaenyra is giving birth but they always give their all on those at least that's what it feels like there's just something about the way that they act during those scenes that is just amazing, during episode 6 with the birth of Joffrey they were able to show such a painful obviously but also happy (?) I'm not sure if that's the right word but I'm going with it I think you get it, maybe tender?? Idk, but this one just completely broke my heart it was great to see how one actor portrayed the same type of scene but completely different as in they were able to actually, get across their feelings so well and obviously I can only speak for myself but I thought they were amazing in that scene (and many more) and it genuinely gave me goosebumps not gonna lie. Now that the first season is over I can finally say something that I already have been saying a lot but now there's even more reasons, Emma was the perfect casting for Rhaenyra, maybe I'm biased on this next bit bc of how much I love Rhaenyra but for me Emma stole the spotlight every time they were on screen. And omg that little parallel with episode 2 I think with the scene on the bridge and Rhaenyra with her dragon I loved it so much.

And now onto the other sad part Lucerys, I knew he was gonna die and how, but I did not think that was gonna be Aemond's reaction, and idk if that's how it was in the books or if they changed it, but I really thought Aemond would kill Lucerys on purpose but in my opinion I think you can clearly see that it was an accident somehow they both lost control of their dragons and Aemond couldn't do anything and he looked genuinely shocked, if that reaction was bc he killed Lucerys and that's not what he wanted so he was upset or if it was bc he was scared of what could happen to him, idk but you could see some regret I feel like, and I still don't hate him, I'm sorry I know people do hate him now but I just dont personally.

Anyway Emma's amazing and they deserve more love and recognition from everyone but unfortunately they still are not getting it and we all know why, I had to add that there bc it still bothers me to no end, that's it, goodbye

#emma d'arcy #House of the dragon spoilers #House of the dragon #Rhaenyra Targaryen #Daemon targaryen #aemond targaryen #lucerys velaryon

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foursdarkdays · 7 months

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i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

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