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kathyprior4200 · 4 years

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Helluva Boss Episode Remakes!

Not too far away from Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City: est. 1981” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye toward the top. Under a crimson sky, a wide array of buildings made up the city, some with spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons” and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.

Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

Just who were these imps?

A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1. Blitzo, a red and white faced imp, appeared on stage in front of purple open curtains. “Hi there! I’m Blitzo! The “O” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.!” He put out his hand and the logo appeared above it. The “M” in I.M.P. looked like imp horns, black and white in color. Down below were the words “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

Blitzo spoke again. “Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?”

A picture of Blitzo with a mustache and two black top hats over his horns was grinning evilly as a building burned in the background. The sign nearby read “Orphanage for elderly, blind, and newborn dogs.”

“Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to get fucked over by someone else?”

The next image showed Blitzo in a white angel costume, happily throwing away a Styrofoam coffee cup in a wastepaper basket instead of a recycling bin in an office.

In the next shot, Blitzo held up a sign which read “Some guy who hired us!” A buff horned red demon wearing a white Ohio shirt stood not too far from the camera, a 666 News billboard in the background. He punched one fist into his hand.

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound down here, after the state of Ohio killed me. I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body.”

Blitzo appeared again, this time with his fellow imps Millie and Moxxie in the background. A white-clothed altar with a mirror and skulls on it was in the very back. White candles were spread around the room. The two imps were sitting at a pentagram drawn on the floor. Blitzo held a blue Satanic ritual book in his hand.

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

He waved his hand and a flaming portal appeared in the center of the room, causing Moxxie and Millie to scatter.

“…we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!” He happily fell through the portal on his back like it was a mosh pit.

Then the musical jingle started:

“When you want somebody gone

And you don’t wanna wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals”

“Hand grenade or cyanide

We’ll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals”

“We do our job so well

‘Cause we come straight up from Hell…”

“We’ll kill your husband or you wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife,

The Immediate…Murder…Professionals.

Kids die for freeee!”

A white person appeared with a thought bubble of his enemy with a red x. A demon fell to the floor and the person looked up. The I.M.P. logo appeared, silhouettes of Millie with a spear, Moxxie with a gun and Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to make an “M.”

Fast paced shots flashed through the ad.

Moxxie throwing a grenade out a window as his companions grinned.

Blitzo hanging a person in an office building while Moxxie watched. Millie held a suicide note in her hand.

Then more killing scenes flashed: Blitzo electrocuting a person, Millie using a mace, Moxxie choking his victim.

Blitzo led the way through a portal to Earth, Millie and Moxxie following. Moxxie tripped on a book and landed on his face while the others posed. They then stood up shocked…at the people in a church staring at them in confusion.

Millie killed a naked couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo looked greedily at a woman’s underwear.

Blitzo repeatedly stabbed someone else tied up near a “Blitzo show” sign at a circus.

The three imps used more methods to kill Earthlings: Medieval torture racks, shark attacks, fire and gasoline on someone, pillow suffocation, crushing someone to death with a grand piano, the electric chair for a prisoner…

“Kids die for freeeee!” ended the ad.

Moxxie and Millie sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxie played on his purple demon-face guitar as Millie watched him with love in her eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shot at demons together in the streets, drag a bloody sack behind them and when Millie got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill

And my Millie goes in for the kill

She takes away my breath

She’s the angel of death for me

Oh Millie

She a queen, it’s like a dream

When I hear her victims start to scream

Get him out of the sack

She’s a maniac for me

Oh Millie

When the blood starts dripping down the sides

And the bodies start to fall from the skies

My heart skips a beat

When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night

That’s in love

She makes the murdering fun for me”

Both of them hummed before Moxxie finished,

“Of all the imps in Hell…

Millie joined in, “It’s for him that I fell…

“Oh Millie.” They leaned in for a kiss.

They paused. Moxxie yelled, while looking out the window. His boss, Blitzo was pressed against the window with a video camera. “Are you fucking filming us right now?!”

Moxxie sighed, as a smiling Blitzo held up a sign which read “Meeting in 20 min: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

Just before the meeting, the head imp, Blitzo walked into the receptionist room.

“Blitz!” called Loona, the hellhound, holding a bone shaped phone in her hand. “That clingy rich asshole’s on the phone! Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you!” Then she added in a lower voice, “Sounds a little DTFy.” (Down to Fuck)

Blitzo spilled water on himself as he talked with Moxxie by the water cooler. “Oh god that was one time! We wouldn’t have access to the living world…if I hadn’t slept with that privileged asshole!”

“You what?” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“Blitz!” Loona barked in outrage.

“I heard you already!” Blitzo yelled. He stomped into his office and picked up his red cell phone. He played with little bobble heads of his imp coworkers, Moxxie and Millie. Signs were tacked to the wall, reading: “The Incredible Blitzo! One night only! Tickets now at the Big Top!”

“So…” Blitzo beamed nervously, “What can I do you for this time, Stolas?”

The owl overlord replied, lounging on his couch in a royal red robe and a crown.

“Remember that time when I told you that a political candidate was causing problems up on Earth for a few of my associates? That he tried to convince people that global warming existed?”

“Yes?” Blitzo answered.

“And that it does, but more people die when nothing’s done about it? Oh, how lonely I felt.”

“Okay well, yeah that makes sense,” Blitzo said.

“But now…” he hooted in laughter. “There are tons of new sinners coming down here every day! I just had a feast and a murder party several nights ago. I wondered why a horde of people arrived and it’s because of a disease called the coronavirus! My, it’s the best thing to ever happen since my wedding with my queen Melody and my darling daughter Octavia’s graduation from flight school. Oh, how marvelous!”

“Well…I’m very happy for you, sir,” Blitzo said. “I hope that…corn-ah virus does its thing.”

Stolas sighed. “My wife wasn’t happy with me, though. She said you fell onto a cake in the middle of a lunch with her and the royal officials. What did you say to her?”

“I said…’sorry I fucked your husband.’” He gulped.

A tense silence.

Blitzo examined his chest and arms. “I still have the talon scars and peck marks to prove it.”

“And she also said that you stole one of my books, is that true?”

“No! No way!” Blitzo lied, with a nervous laugh. “That was another imp long ago. Can I tell you how great it felt…sleeping with you?”

“Indeed,” Stolas agreed with a contented sigh. “Your sharp horns and claws ruffling through my feathers, and my talons and beak exploring your multicolored flesh. You know what happens when I’m lonely, Blitzy?”

“Oh, god fucking dammit…” Blitzo muttered to himself.

Stolas’ eyes grew red. “When I’m lonely, I become hungry. And when I’m become hungry…I want to choke on that red dick of yours! **** your ***** then lick all of your *****, before taking out your **** and **** with more teeth until you’re screaming ******** like a fucking baby!”

Blitzo hung up the phone, the words on Stolas’ picture reading “creepy mouth: aka one night stand bird dick.” and smashed it with a rotary phone. He threw the pieces into a blender and mixed it up.

“Eat this!” he told Loona who walked in and drank the red liquid.

“And then you know that bridge over the freeway?” he asked.

“Yeah?”

“Shit off it! It’s time for the meeting, let’s go.”

The imps currently resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on.

Posted on a door were the words “I.M.P. Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

On a white board was a bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took up much of the board. “Blitzo is the best, by Blitzo” was scribbled off to the side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set near a brown table in the center of the room. A white pentagram was drawn in the center of the table.

Up front, a black, white, and red colored imp paced back and forth, sprouting long curved striped horns: Blitzo. He wore black fingerless gloves with what looked like a yellow eye design on each glove. He was dressed in a slender navy blue business suit with light red buttons. A small round pink pin with black eyes and a stitched mouth was attached onto a red undershirt below his slender chin. What looked like a black two-clawed print mark lay over his red forehead. Along with sharp teeth, the imp has red iris eyes with yellow sclera. Like a typical devil, he also had a red pointed tail. He had four red finger-shaped claws on each hand.

Blitzo began to speak, pacing back and forth. He looked toward his audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

“Alright, now I know business has been…a bit slow, lately, yes.”

He mentioned to the board at the downward sloping line. “In fact, there seems to be less people seeking out our services; 1,056 in comparison to the 1,066 from last month. We’ve basically spiraled from the True Blue Market to that of the Raging Bull.” He pointed at the roaring demon head drawing on the board.

“Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

“Loona, nobody cares,” Blitzo said. He continued.

“Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.”

Blitzo cleared his throat and spread out his hands. “It’s no one’s fault, okay? I’m not naming any names here…Moxxie.”

Moxxie raised his eyebrows in a “what the hell?” gesture as Blitzo looked at him. The serious imp had a red face, yellow eyes, white hair framing his face and stripped horns jutting off to the sides in slight curves. He wore a large red bow-tie and a navy blue suit. White freckles were present under his eyes.

Blitzo continued, “Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?”

Millie, the bubbly imp raised her hand. She had a red face, messy black hair with a white flower patch near the top, and short black horns with faint white stripes. Her eyes were also yellow and she wore a black top, black torn pants, high heeled shoes and a little black choker around her neck. Her eyelashes extended past her face.

Millie waved her hand and beamed, eyes shining. “What…about…a car wash?!”

“This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay?”

Just then, there came a coughing from the other room. A small cyclops demon with hot pink hair with a patch of yellow opened the door and walked in. She brushed off soot from her hot pink skirt and waved at the group, who stared in surprise.

“Hi, I’m Niffty! It’s nice to meet you. Are you part of I.M.P.?”

“Uh yes?” Blitzo replied, unsure of what to make of this random maid.

“Oh great, because one of my friends sent me here to investigate, he’s a busy chap, you know, and oh so dreamy!”

She darted around the room and began removing cobwebs from the windows. “It looks like there are two men, a woman and a dog here, a nice balance.”

Loona, the grey hellhound glared at Niffty, narrowing her red eyes. “What was that, you little shit?”

Loona had a red cell phone in her clawed paws, the back of the phone displaying a black upside down cross. She wore a grey top with black strings in the shape of an inverted pentagram. A spiked collar was around her neck. Her pants were dark and torn, with a white crescent moon on them. Her feet were bare and her hair and tail were thick with white and dark fur.

Niffty stopped in her tracks. “Now, did you guys need any cars to be washed?”

Blitzo shook his head. “We don’t have any cars here, we’re broke as fuck.”

Millie stared at Niffty and cupped her own cheeks with her hands. “Oh my Satan! She’s so adorable! Can we keep her?!”

“No!” Moxxie and Loona said at the same time. The two workers then glared at each other.

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We’re in the middle of a meeting right now. Do you mind?!” He pointed to the door.

Niffty laughed nervously, “Oh okay, sorry about that, hehhehheh. I’ll be outside if you need me!”

She scurried out of the room.

Blitzo paused for a moment, then said, “Oh right! Ideas for our company!” He waved his hands, his eyes shining. “Ooh, what about a billboard?”

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We can’t afford a billboard, sir.”

Blitzo rushed over and held Moxxie in a headlock. His voice was rushed and sarcastic, “Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you’re in the room right now.” He shoved Moxxie away.

Blitzo stared in frustration. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?”

He picked up a remote and turned on an old fashioned TV.

After static appeared on screen, the footage showed the group killing off individuals.

Blitzo bashing a red demon’s head with a mullet.

Moxxie shooting a blue person tied up to a chair.

Loona grabbing a red person in her mouth and shaking the person side to side like a wolf.

Millie beheading a blue person with a spear and laughing.

Blitzo watched with a relaxed smile on his face, holding up a blue bowl of popcorn. Loona sat on the table, popping popcorn pieces into her mouth. Millie was perched on the table, enjoying the show, but Moxxie stood off to the side with a grumpy face.

Posters hung from the walls, one showing Blitzo and his two sisters, Tilla (an imp with long black hair) and Barbie Wire (a smiling imp with ram-like horns.) It was a picture of them at a circus, the banner reading “The Amazing Imp Siblings!” Blitzo remembered the good times he had with them when they performed on stage. Barbie Wire would balance on a tightrope, holding a pole with flames on either end. Tilla tamed and evaded manticores, dragons and other beasts that were released into the arena. Blitzo would sing songs about murdering people and they would all pose and bow at the end as the crowd cheered.

That was before Blitzo moved on to form I.M.P. recruited Moxxie and Millie, and adopted Loona.

Blitzo moved his hand toward his chest and sighed with content. “Ahh, those were the good times.”

Moxxie spoke up as Millie ate a piece of popcorn. “I don’t need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel, nobody watches.”

Blitzo turned his head, insulted. “Uh, hey, excuse me.” He stood up. “What’s “obnoxious” about a super-fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spittin’ bullshit!”

He walked across the room.

“People love musicals, sir,” Millie added.

Blitzo smiled. “Exactly, Millie, and we’re basically doin’ a musical.” Blitzo did jazz hands before pointing rapidly at Moxxie with a scowl.

“Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?” He lowered his head.

“Sir…” Moxxie began, but his boss cut him off.

“Because right now, all I see is just my dad’s asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.

Millie leaned in toward her husband and spoke with a teasing tone. “Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?”

“I…what?” he asked, looking at her. Millie leaned in close and stuck out her tongue, tail curling. “I thought I knew you.” Moxxie rolled his eyes; his wife loved to annoy him.

Blitzo turned back to Moxxie, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Moxxie. After I made you employee of the month!” He held a picture of Moxxie with his mouth open in a roar, snake tongue showing.

Moxxie threw up his hands, “Okay, sir! I’m sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

“I liked it!” Millie pipped up.

Moxxie turned to her, finger shaking, “Do not…do not agree with him in front of me.”

Loona sat, bored, playing on her phone. Moxxie’s head appeared on the screen but was crushed by a weight and then blown up by a bomb. At one point his face was sliced in half as “boom!” flashed across the screen.

“Remember when we shot that kid on Earth?” Blitzo asked.

Moxxie got a flashback. “Oh, right. I shot that boy who was walking around licking strawberry ice cream. It was an accident. He was taken on a stretcher to the hospital.”

The pink haired nurse had said, “Doctor, he’s not responding!”

“Cool water, stat!” The blue-haired man had said next. He slammed water down on the boy and said, “It didn’t do anything!”

The doctor had said, “Damn it! I’m not losing another one! “Clear!” Then they had shocked him and the boy somehow woke up with a gasp. The doctor said “Holy shit, it actually worked.”

Millie then explained that the three of them sat in the waiting room. Blitzo read a magazine while Millie comforted Moxxie. The doctor had said to the imps, “He appears to be in stable condition, but he’ll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?”

Then Blitzo asked, “The fuck is insurance?”

Moxxie sighed, “…and then they kicked us and the boy out and we fell back into Hell.”

A moment later, Moxxie spoke, hands forward in front of him. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Loona’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It’s very simple.”

“Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie,” Loona replied without looking up.

Moxxie stuttered angrily, looking for a comeback. “You sit! Sit on…a… and the d...do your job!” He slammed his palm on the table.

Blitzo scolded him. “Hey, now we don’t blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay? She didn’t do anything wrong!” He hugged her and nuzzled his head against her cheek, the hellhound growling at him to get off.

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful.”

Lonna looked at her phone. “The other day, right? I answered the puppy barking phone and said ‘Hello, I.M.P.’ Millie was yelling, ‘Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox…’ and then I hung up. Wasn’t my problem. My Hellhound Monthly magazine was much more interesting.”

“Don’t forget about my adoption anniversary gift I gave you,” Blitzo said, scratching his neck.

Lonna seethed. “Don’t remind me. It wasn’t a cure for syphilis, I didn’t want it, and it so happened to be black spiders, crawling all over me!”

“Again, I’m sorry it was spiders,” Blitzo said.

“God damn it, apology not accepted.”

“You should be thankful that I rescued you after your hellhound family kicked you out,” Blitzo remarked.

Loona’s ears twitched. Millie stared nervously. “I was perfectly capable of fending for myself,” barked Loona, looking up from her phone for the first time. “There was nothing special about them, other than all the alcohol, meth and drugs they took. My parents never cared about us. I mean, they sent off my other siblings to work for other overlords and were never seen again. Perhaps I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with them.”

Blitzo had tears in his eyes. He hugged her again. “Well, at least you’ve got me, Moxxie, and Millie as your new family!”

Loona hid a smile and just bared her fangs. “Get off of me before I bite your face off!”

Blitzo stepped back.

Loona then smiled and looked at Moxxie, a look of mischief in her red eyes.

Moxxie scowled. “Excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss the other day?”

“No,” Loona answered. “I was busy watching the princess sing.”

“Wha-Why…Why would anyone send me that?!” Moxxie argued.

“Come on, you know why.” She smirked.

“I’m not chubby, thank you very much! Not to mention, you were the one who ate my avocado salad lunch! How rude.”

“I took it because I had the worst hangover.”

“But why would you drink on a work night?” Millie asked.

“I was hungover from that morning, dumbasses!” Loona said to Moxxie and Millie. “I couldn’t take your assaults. So I decided to blow some fucking steam! I kicked a baby in a carriage and caused some destruction. Felt good afterwards.”

Blitzo mentioned to Loona. “Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family and you don’t get rid of family.”

“We aren’t a family, sir!” Moxxie pointed out. “You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she’s some troubled teenager! She’s more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phone!”

Loona flipped him the bird.

“That is offensive!” said Blitzo, walking to the window, pulling open the blinds. “Without homeless people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life!”

Outside, a homeless imp with a broken horn and ragged grey clothing held up a sign that read “Monee helps. Satan Bless.” An imp woman with black clothing and little bat wings blushed at Blitzo who waved and did a playful raise of eyebrows before closing the blinds.

Moxxie crossed his arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?”

“Come on, sweetie, it’s not that big a deal!” Millie said.

Moxxie’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me, what?! I asked you, ‘Honey, can you get the butter?’ You said, ‘sure sweetie’.”

“Spoiler alert, the butter’s spoiled!” Blitzo added. Millie giggled.

“He was in our fucking fridge! He was spying on me while I was asleep. And worse, he fucking filmed me and you while we were singing and about to kiss!”

Blitzo giggled. “I still have it on camera.”

“It’s fine, honey,” Millie replied to Moxxie, patting his shoulder. “The “spoiler alert, butter’s spoiled!” was a funny use of wordplay Blitzo used.”

“Why was he in our fridge anyway?” Moxxie countered. “And then I was dreaming that my parents were being murdered and Blitzo interrupted it. I wanted to get back to that.”

“I was just curious,” Blitzo responded.

“Just. Stop. Doing. That,” Moxxie growled.

“I don’t see what the issue is!” said Blitzo. “Is there something you don’t want me seeing?” A mischievous silly look crossed his face.

“No!” Moxxie spat, eye twitching.

“You a baby weiner havor?” Blitzo asked, another term for a small dick.

Loona giggled under her breath.

Moxxie was fed up. “Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!”

Millie pulled him down gently. “Calm down, Mox, you’re gonna have another panic attack!”

“I am calm!” he yelled.

Millie rubbed his head and soothed him. “Shh, there, there.” Moxxie whimpered.

Blitzo spoke again with a childish grin, making a hole with two fingers and tapping the opening with one finger. “Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours, so don’t judge me.”

Veins popped out of Moxxie’s yellow eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually.” He crossed his arms as Millie gasped in horror.

“Mox, he’s our boss!”

“No, no, no, it’s fine, Mills,” said Blitzo with a wave of his hand. “Your husband is just…how do I say this without being offensive…retarded.”

“Does immaturingly insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?”

Blitzo leaned in toward Moxxie. “It actually does.”

Loona appeared to agree, because she added to Moxxie, “The only reason you have a wife is because you’re easy to manage!”

Moxxie gasped. She had called Moxxie submissive.

“No he’s not, you bitch!” Millie yelled, holding up two middle fingers.

“Do not talk to my assistant that way!” Blitzo demanded. “She’s sensitive!”

“Yes I am!” Loona barked.

Then a squeaky voice sounded from nearby: “You guys are all fucking assholes.”

Everyone turned and stared at a boy wearing an orange shirt with a planet on it. He had brown hair, a blue baseball cap on and was connected to a monitor.

Blitzo pointed at him. “Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this.”

Moxxie pinched his nose and sighed in frustration. “Ugh, this company is such a mess!”

“Did someone call me?” Niffty’s voice rang from the hallway. She opened the door a crack. “I can clean up any messes you may have!”

“No!” Moxxie called. “Go away!”

Niffty slowly closed the door.

An awkward silence…

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about my outfit!” Blitzo said out of nowhere.

“Nobody was talking about that,” Loona mentioned.

“Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling. So how does it look? It’s good, right?”

The kid pointed his finger at Blitzo. He ripped off the wires from his stomach.

“It’s been a literal hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, but now? I want that. I want death. You!” he pointed to Blitzo. “You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I’m a kid! We’re supposed to like clowns…even the creepy ones!”

Moxxie scoffed. “Hey now, that’s not very…”

The kid cut him off. “If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I’d rip out your spine and ask you some shit.”

Moxxie shivered in fear.

“That’s my husband you’re talking to!” Millie yelled.

The kid snickered. “That’s your husband?! I figured you for a slut, but I didn’t know you needed dick that bad!”

Millie fumed at her husband being called ugly and weak. To think that she would have sex with anyone else at random…

“And you!” The kid pointed at Loona.

“What? What about me?” Loona asked.

The kid crossed his arms. “Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.”

Loona whined.

“Wow,” said Blitzo. “You know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.”

“Yeah, after all, he’s kind of a piece of shit,” Moxxie muttered.

A ding came from Loona’s phone. She smiled. “Oh fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess he was the right target after all.”

“Who?” Blitzo asked.

“Him.”

“Me?” asked the kid.

“Yep,” she confirmed.

“They wanted us to kill an actual child?” Blitzo asked.

“That’s what they’re sayin’,” Loona said.

Blitzo grinned and twirled a gun in his hand. His job just got more fun and easier. “Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a god!” He fired and shot the boy in the chest. He flopped down dead in a pool of blood, smoke and sparks lingering in the air.

Blitzo spoke about I.M.P.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can! Like killing people! So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money… is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review, but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fucking cares.”

Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie kicked the dead kid on the floor, enjoying themselves. Loona snapped a picture with her phone and recorded the scene. After the imps left with the body, Niffty came in and gasped.

“Well, time to clean this up. What a mess!” She hummed a happy tune as she mopped up the blood at rapid speed.

Blitzo and Moxxie wore gas masks and green suits as Blitzo sawed off the boy’s arm and Moxxie sawed his chest, organs spilling out into a sack below. Millie tossed an arm into the sack and Loona helped hold open the sack. Moxxie dropped the boy’s severed head inside and shared a loving smile with his wife.

Etched in red graffiti on a dumpster behind them were the words “Devil,” “Hell,” “Happy Hotel,” and “I’m always chasing rainbows.” A pentagram, and wide smiles were also doodled on the surface.

Blitzo embraced the entire group in a forceful hug, knocking the phone from Loona’s hands.

“You know, even though this kid was a target, he’s still a child. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward, respectfully.” He wrapped his long tail around the group, all of them smiling genuinely. For despite all their problems, they were still a company family.

Back in the human world, a crying blonde mother wearing a pink shirt and a necklace held up a paper saying “missing boy.” Below in large letters read on the news: “Mom sucks at drawing own kid!” Words say “There is a missing boy!’ and “Yet another missing kid!”

The mother spoke into the microphone, “Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at…”

She gasped as a sack dropped into her hands. She and the news reporter looked up to see a smiling Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie through a portal up above.

“You’re welcome!” Blitzo called with a wave before the portal closed.

The mother looked inside the bag and screamed. “My son! He’s dead! Noooo!”

Part One: Mrs. Mayberry

Once upon a time, there was an innocent lovely blonde teacher named Mrs. Mayberry who taught at a typical schoolhouse. She was born many years ago on July 24th.

She taught at a red schoolhouse with a little golden bell at the top of it. “Learning is fun,” was written in bright yellow letters on the side of the building with art of colorful kites and a rainbow on it. A sign at the front read “Puppies Junior School” in sunlight. There were tall green trees and a playground off to the side. The golden bell rang for the start of the day. A blue jay and a cardinal sang from a tree branch as the teacher opened the white curtains.

The Vivziepop lookalike woman wrote “Good morning!” in white chalk on the green blackboard.

“Good morning!” She twirled in a dance, catching her piece of chalk. She wore a white shirt with colorful red cherries and a long blue-gray skirt. A green pendant rested on her shirt. She wore cherry earrings and round yellow glasses. Her blonde hair was tied back in a flower-like shape behind her. “Have a bright and sunny day” was written on a poster with a large smiling sun with big eyes on it. Nearby was a calendar and an old boxy computer on a desk. A white daisy was in a flower pot. “The word of the day is harmony,” was written on a schedule posted on a board behind the children sitting at desks. The orange curtains by the windows had white math symbols on it. The schedule read “math, history, reading, grammar, science, art and music” as the many school subjects for the days of the week.

“I hope you all did your homework!” she trilled.

The children nodded with a dance to their bodies. One boy wearing an orange shirt spun around in a stool wearing a dunce cap and he faced the wall. The class broke out randomly into song.

“We love to do our homework and we love our teacher too!”

The teacher sang, “And when I throw out these fun questions, you should know just what to do.”

“Okay!” they cheered, arms in the air.

She wrote on the board 2 + 6 = 8 and added,

“Two plus six is…”

“Eight!” the class answered.

“And good behavior’s…”

“Great!” they chimed in.

“And now it’s that part of the class when we say the time of day and date.”

“It’s nine in the morning,” sang a blonde boy…

“On January 8th…” added a black girl.

“The sun is out smiling,” said a brown haired girl with a bow.

“And it’s your husband’s birthday!” reminded the dunce boy with his tongue out.

As the class sang “la la la,” the teacher found herself scrapping her chalk down in a line on the board. Sweat coated her forehead as the chalk was almost completely broken down. The singing was a constant drone in her head. Her right eye twitched and she turned around.

“Oh my stars, stop singing children! Hush up now!”

The class fell silent.

She put a hand to her forehead. “I forgot it’s my husband’s birthday! I didn’t get him anything special.”

The brown haired girl stood up and said, “Maybe if we call him, we could do a happy birthday surprise!”

The teacher and kids gathered around the boxy computer. At the husband’s house, a lone sock fell on the call screen that read “wifey” on it.

The screen turned on, and everyone gasped in disbelief.

The teacher’s husband was in the process of having sex with another lady!

A tie, a bra and a condom flew against the screen as they straddled naked in their bed.

“We won’t be needing this,” a voice said as the condom hit the screen with Mrs. Mayberry’s face on the other side.

The teacher sat at her desk, looking stunned, her face turning red. The other woman was so young and beautiful. There was her husband, clad naked and showing off his muscles and parts to her.

“Oh yeah,” the husband giggled, “Not there, not there.” They seemed to be also playing with sex toys.

With a blank shadowed look on her face, the teacher suddenly stood up and walked away. If she wasn’t going to be able to divorce that cheating bastard…

“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry!” called the brown haired girl. She took hold of the teacher’s hand. “Remember what you taught us…think before you act.”

Dark thoughts suddenly festered within the woman and she gripped the girl’s neck before tossing her up in the air through the roof. She stomped out of the room and shut the door. The children ran to the window to watch as she got in her old green car and plowed through a white picket fence. “I love school” was on her license plate. The children rushed to the computer.

The door to the bedroom was quickly pulled open.

“Oh shit, sweetie!” said her husband, caught in the act of fucking the young lady on their master bed. “What are you doing here?”

“Shut up, Jarold!” A newfound rage flared in her eyes. A deadly looking riffle was in her hands. She fired several shots.

The blonde lady shrieked as Mrs. Mayberry moved closer.

“You scream like a fish!” the teacher mentioned to the blonde haired lady.

With a demonic yell, she brutally shot the younger woman across multiple areas of her body. Thick blood splattered everywhere.

Her husband gasped. “Oh god, what have you done?! She had a family!”

“We could’ve had a family!” the teacher sobbed, in a flood of despair and rage. She picked up a bullet and shot her husband square in the head. He collapsed to the floor, dead.

“Oh god, what have I done?” she asked, frazzled, whipping away the blood from the screen. She saw her children stare in horror and disgust. “In front you all.” She broke down into tears, seeing her dead husband in a pool of blood. She spoke her last words through sobs. “I’m so sorry my children. Don’t forget to work on your timestamps.”

Mrs. Mayberry knew there was nothing left for her but jail time and grief. There was only one other option. With shaking hands, she shot herself in the chest with a yelp. The children fainted on the floor one by one at the traumatizing sight. The policeman took the wailing blonde lady to the hospital…and found Mrs. Mayberry’s body lying next to her husband’s on the blood-stained floor.

The blonde lady Martha stared lovingly with a brown uncovered eye at her new muscular husband Ralphie wearing an orange plaid shirt. He had brown hair and an athlete/superhero build. Their two children stood by her bedside as she recovered. The room had bouquets of colorful flowers in every corner. Camera flashed as news reporters talked to her.

“How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?” a newswoman asked.

“I just hope that sick woman finally found peace,” Martha drawled in her hospital bed.

Her husband comforted her, head lowered.

“You are so brave,” the reporter commended to Martha. “Here’s $2 million dollars!”

The woman’s face lit up as she was handed a large golden check. “Oh thank you!” She smiled at the cameras with her husband like she was a movie star.

The stereotypical America family lived in a house near the woods and by a lake. Martha dressed like a housewife with a long polka dot skirt. Her daughter had brown pigtails, a lavender shirt with a tie, and a red skirt, with boots. The younger boy had a beaver-skin cap, a white shirt, brown pants and camouflage boots. On the outside, they were the perfect typical family.

“You’re a hero,” said more news people as she stood elegantly at a VNN (Vivienne News Network) podium.

“You’re a hero, girl,” admired a brown skinned jogger with short blonde passing Martha by. Martha basked in the attention and wealth. Who knew that getting shot at would change her life for the better.

“My mama’s a hero!” declared the son.

“She is a hero!” The brown haired casher agreed down to him as the family went grocery shopping.

“Ooooh…You’re a hero!” moaned her husband as he thrust his penis wildly in and out of her as they made love in their bedroom. Their walls were covered with pelvises and newspaper clippings of Martha under “local hero” headings.

“You’re a hero,” smiled an old praying priest who stood by her at one church meeting.

Even worse for Mayberry, a new class of children cheered, “You’re a hero!” to Martha when she taught a “How to deal with trauma 101 class.”

“Oh you’re a hero!” another man groaned as he wildly gave her anal.

Mrs. Mayberry woke up staring at a crimson red sky. Her form had completely changed… Mrs. Mayberry was now a purple demon with stripped curved horns on her head, wearing rectangular glasses. She wore a pale red shirt with x stitches on it, along with an eye where her pendant was. Her hair was long and white and pulled back with a black bandana. She wore a dark skirt with an upside down cross on it and heels. She also had sharp yellow teeth.

After finding a place to live and shying out of sight from shady strangers, Mrs. Mayberry had the chance to continue her career where she left off. So she did. It took some learning and adaptation to Hell’s culture but fortunately...it was pretty simple.

Mrs. Mayberry was soon hired at “Pentagram Penitentiary Place,” one of the top public schools in the district. It was a large school for grades K-12. The name of the school was in black letters surrounded by a red downward facing pentagram over the black front doors. “All grades in one place!” read the slogan. The building was of red-orange brick with three rows of low cracked windows facing the front. The outdoor playground consisted of rusted basketball hoops, a jungle gym, dark asphalt and a swing set that made squeaky sounds every time it was used. The slide was high up and made of metal, so that it was always painfully hot for the young demon children to slide down. A barbed wire fence with swirls of wire at the top surrounded the prison-like school.

A bunch of middle schoolers were bouncing a demon skull around and tossing it into the basketball hoops. Little preschooler demons rough-housed on the grass-less ground, laughing. One small green dragon kept making burping sounds, emitting orange sparks much to the delight of his peers. A dinosaur used his tail for a black eyed doll girl to use as a jump rope. There was even a little scary-go round that furry bird-like kids went on to test their flying and spin out of control in the air. One white bird crashed against the fence and slid down with a flop.

“Loser!” taunted a bulky blue cyclops kid wearing a baseball cap. He spat on the bird’s upside-down head and laughed with his goons. An older demon with a rhino’s horn was spray-painting teal blue penises on the walls.

“Watch your back!” he called out to a centaur who fired an arrow from a bow, startled. The green lizard demon tied to the target glanced down at the arrow that had almost gotten him in the crotch. He sighed with relief, only to have an ax lodged into his head, thrown by an orange goat teenager.

Nearby were two purple demons with silvery snake hair sitting on a concrete window ledge, wearing blouses, sequined navy skirts and shoes. They were listening to music from their Eye-Pods. One of them was painting her nails and the other took a drag from an e-cigarette. Every kid had a multiple digit number temporarily tattooed on their necks. An E, an M and an H were before the numbers, for elementary, middle and high school. The following number indicated their grade and the last two numbers were their position in alphabetical order. K or a P next to the E stood for kindergarten and preschool.

A loud buzzer rang at the top of the roof, signaling class starting. The children were lined up in front of their respective teachers. Mrs. Mayberry stood in front of her line of preschool demons.

After singing a song about a demonic turtle drowning in a bathtub with the class, she counted each child as they made their way to homeroom. They all filled in and sat at their wooden desks. The demonic alphabet was listed on a nearby poster with translations into English and other languages.

“Good morning!” Mrs. Mayberry trilled in the windowless classroom, scrapping her chalk against the blackboard before catching it with a twirl. “I hope you all did your homework.”

The kids fearfully nodded.

“Hmm, I don’t think you did, EP-04,” she scolded a demon boy wearing an orange shirt with no paper in front of him. “Go sit in time-out.”

The boy groaned and sat on a stool facing the wall. The white dunce cap burned on his head.

“The pledge of allegiance,” Mrs. Mayberry led. The class stood up with their hands on their hearts.

“I pledge allegiance and my soul to the banner

Of His Majesty Lucifer and Her Majesty Lilith

And to the unholy Inferno

For Pentagram City

One nation under Satan

Indivisible

With liberty and chaos for all!”

They sat back down.

“Now let’s sing,” Mrs. Mayberry ordered.

The demonic class broke out into song:

“We love to do our homework and learn stuff every day.”

“And when I throw in these hard questions, you should know just what to say,” Mrs. Mayberry sang.

“Okay!” they cheered.

She wrote an equation on the board. “Divide this number by…”

“Zero!”

“Our favorite paint is…”

“Bloody red!”

“And when there’s a stranger danger…”

“You stab them in the head!” they answered, making stabbing motions with their arms.

“A poison for a deep sleep?” she asked

“Wormwood! Does no good!”

“The geological components of Hell?”

“Fire and brimstone!” added a girl.

“If you can’t use love…”

“Use hate!”

“Now it’s time for us to say the day and date.”

“Your death day was on January 8th, right?” piped up a boy in the back.

Mrs. Mayberry stopped short. “Hush up! We don’t mention that date.” She turned to the class. “Go on.”

“It’s 3 in the afternoon…” said a boy.

“On October 31st,” said a green girl.

“Hell’s heat is still hot,” said another girl, sweating.

“Let’s watch the episode first!” reminded the dunce boy.

The demons went “la la la” as Mrs. Mayberry stared at the board, red eyes wide.

“Oh my suns! Stop singing children. Shut up!”

The demons fell silent.

“I forgot it’s the new episode! I’m supposed to be off to pursue my revenge!”

“Maybe you could scare your enemies at a death-day party!” a girl suggested with her hands up in the air.

Mrs. Mayberry looked at her hell-phone and saw the last seconds of an I.M.P. commercial. She stood up to walk away.

“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry,” said a girl, taking hold of her hand. “Remember what you taught us. Act before you think.”

Mrs. Mayberry pat her head. “I think not. Work on your timestamps and assignments, children. I’m off to pursue a little education of my own.”

A horn-covered sub man walked in and bellowed, “200 pushups on the double! Or it’s back to your cells!”

The demons got up from their seats and bent down to do the pushups.

Mrs. Mayberry called a taxi outside and it drove her off.

Up on a screen outside her window, Mrs. Mayberry saw a full commercial where she learned of an assassination company called I.M.P.

“Hi there, I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent and I’m the funder of I.M.P.! Are you a piece of shit that got sent to Hell? Or are you an innocent soul who just so happened to get fucked over by someone else?”

The next shot showed a bulky red demon with horns, wearing a white Ohio shirt/jersey. A sign read, “Some guy who hired us!” The demon spoke:

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you could imagine my surprise when I wound down here, after the State of Ohio killed me.” He rammed his meaty fists. “I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body!”

“Guess I’m not the only one who murdered my spouse,” she thought. “I’ve also never seen a guy with…such muscles before…”

Blitzo appeared again. “Well luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…we promise to take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who may have screwed you over when you were alive!”

The sounds of the imp jingle motivated Mrs. Mayberry as the taxi pulled to a stop in front of the I.M.P. building. She got out, climbed up the stairs and knocked on the office door. It opened and out popped Blitzo.

“Is this I.M.P.?” she asked.

“Yes,” Blitzo said.

“I figured, since I saw the commercial. I have one bad bitch that needs to be killed. And I’ve got a lot to say.”

“Well, come on in then,” he said.

Mrs. Mayberry paced Blitzo’s office at I.M.P. headquarters as she told her story.

“I was a good person before it all went down,” she narrated, pacing to and fro. “I was good my entire life.”

She continued on, adding details about her personal life. She held a cigarette in her hand. Apparently, it was easy to get into unhealthy habits in Hell.

“You do everything right in life, play by the rules, and still get sent down here with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world. After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage. So that’s why I’m here. To get my revenge.”

“I mean was she hotter?” Blitzo remarked with a smirk.

The demon’s eyes flared red in anger, her face partially in shadow by the drawn blinds. A lemon tree was in the background with a sign that read “no whores” beside it. Blitzo casually lounged in his office chair.

“I’m just saying I had a hard time understanding the unprompted melodrama you just spat at me, tits,” Blitzo chuckled.

Mayberry growled and her body briefly glowed red. Her cigarette bent in her hand.

Blitzo rolled his eyes. “Anyway I don’t think you quite understand how we’re operating down here.” He stood up and Mrs. Mayberry glared at him. “You see we take revenge on the living and it sounds like the core cast of your sitcom of a death frankly are all probably down here in Hell with you. Boop.”

He bonked her on the nose.

Mayberry’s pointed tail twitched, her purple claws clenched. Her skirt was torn with holes and her feet were cloven hooves. This imp guy was worse than the demonic children she taught.

Mayberry extended her left claws. “Not all of them. That whore survived. Now they all call her a hero.”

She continued. “Between the talk shows and bullshit donations she made so much goddamn cash. Getting shot was the best thing to happen to her.”

Mayberry bashed her fists into the ground, creating cracks. “She’s not a hero!” Mayberry yelled, getting in close to Blitzo’s face.

“Yeah, okay, yeah, my thoughts exactly,” Blitzo stuttered in a rapid nervous voice. He frantically pressed a red button under the desk multiple times. The red light flashed under the “Deranged Client” label on a dashboard. The other labels read, “More Coffee,” “Soiled My Pants,” “Horny Client,” “Client Giving Birth,” “Ghost,” and “Stolas.”

Blitzo later burst through the door, followed by Mrs. Mayberry. “Guys, I’d like you to meet, our newest client!”

The room suddenly burst into flames…Blitzo was furious. He quickly led Mrs. Mayberry outside where she hopped into a taxi to wait back home.

“Bye and don’t worry,” called Blitzo to her, “We’ll get that skank in less than 24 hours or your first kill is free!”

She could only hope that crazy imp and his team could do their job.

As it turned out, Mrs. Mayberry later found out that not only had I.M.P. killed Martha, they also killed her crazy Satanic family. Mrs. Mayberry was very impressed. She held a piece of cake and laughed with the I.M.P. members for a special celebration. Millie talked about how it was okay to kill someone if they tried to kill you back.

“That’s messed up,” mentioned Mrs. Mayberry. Then she smiled. “But I paid for it!”

Everyone laughed again. Mrs. Mayberry felt good among her new allies. She had embraced her past at last.

After the celebration, she got back into the taxi but instead of heading home, she headed further into town.

There was a red Ohio demon for her to thank.

Part Two: The Imps’ Adventure

In another room, Moxxie was holding a black and red crossbow in his hands. In front of him was a picture of a smiling family: a father, a mother, a baby and two children. His arms were shaking as the reflector hovered around the man’s crotch area.

“Moxxie, stop shaking!” Millie chided. “You’re gonna shoot our only hellhound!”

Loona lay on her back on a gray couch. The family picture was in one hand and her phone was in the other. On the wall were drawings of Blitzo as a horse and a drawing of Robo Fizz with an arrow sticking out from it.

Loona spoke in a sarcastic tone, “Wow. I feel so loved here.”

“Just take a deep breath,” Millie told Moxxie, inhaling, “and let it out.”

“But, it’s a family,” Moxxie argued. “Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?”

“I mean if that’s what the client wants,” Millie began.

“Maybe like a shitty dad,” Moxxie suggested. “Or a mob family.” He spoke through his teeth, “That’s understandable.” He then spoke normally. “But to eradicate an entire innocent, seemingly innocent, upper middle class family bloodline?”

Loona stared at the picture for a moment before pointing to Moxxie.

“Hey! You don’t know their innocent.”

She pointed to the boy. “This kid probably sets dogs on fire.”

She pointed to the girl. “Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online.”

She pointed to the father. “And this guy…” She narrowed her eyes and spoke lower. “This guy definitely watches.”

“Exactly!” Millie agreed. “Humans are full of secret nasties. It’s why so many of them end up here. But guilty and innocent aren’t our business, Mox.” She cupped his cheeks. “Killing who we’re paid to is our business. Choose a target.”

She kissed him before stepping aside. Moxxie positioned his crossbow again.

“I just think it’s a bit excessive and we could be a bit more selective, is all.”

Just then, Blitzo barged into the room, followed by Mrs. Mayberry.

“Guys! I want you to meet…”

Startled, Moxxie fired the arrow and it ricocheted around the room. Millie jumped into Moxxie’s arms as the arrow hit a computer. It then flew and poked a hole in the family picture that a startled Loona held. The arrow made impact with the bottom of an eel tank, causing it to wobble dangerously. The arrow speed toward Mrs. Mayberry but Blitzo calmly caught it in one hand.

“…our newest client!”

The eel tank suddenly fell down, glass and water pouring onto the floor. The eels burst with electricity, casing the room to erupt in flames. Loona, Moxxie and Millie cowered in fear.

“Dammit, Moxxie! I just bought those eels!” Blitzo yelled in anger.

Soon, imp firefighters rushed to the scene to put out the flames as the group waited outside. The firefighters also carried the eels away to their red fire truck. Although imps were immune to fire, the buildings were not.

Mrs. Mayberry climbed into a taxi cab.

“Bye,” Blitzo waved, “and don’t worry, we’ll get that skank in less than twenty four hours or your first kill is free!” He waved as the taxi drove away.

“When did we start implementing that deal?” Moxxie asked.

Blitzo turned to glare at him. He pulled him close, holding his face.

“When you set fire to my office in front of a…” Blitzo screamed, “client, you fucking dipshit!" He shoved Moxxie out of the way in anger. “Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!”

Loona stood against the wall, typing on her phone. “You mean our only ticket to the other side?” She pulled out a blue book from behind her. “Yeah, got it.”

Blitzo came over to her and started to baby talk to her. “And that’s why you’re my favorite, Loony. You get a treat now.”

He held up a dog treat in his hands, tossed it in the air and caught it with his long tongue.

“Ew, stop it,” Loona said with disgust. Blitzo pulled the biscuit into his mouth and chewed.

“You’re so gross!” she remarked.

A nearby billboard with Blitzo’s face on it read with misspellings: “Goat an asshole in the living worlds!? Come to I Am Pee!!??! Make sure you put this sign up on the rite side. Don’t fuck this up. Also payment may take a couple of weeks because it cums in the mail. –Speech to text- -Blitzo”

Millie drew a pentagram with chalk onto the wall. The pentagram glowed red and a portal to the human world appeared.

“Aw stop it, I get enough of that from my therapist,” Blitzo told Loona before she left. He mentioned to the other imps, and moved his fist in front of him. Now let’s go lick some ass!” He pressed his hand into Moxxie’s face.

“The expression is “kick some ass.” Blitzo,” Millie mentioned before she stepped through the portal. Blitzo let go of Moxxie’ face.

“Mine’s better,” Blitzo said before following her.

“Aw, fuck,” Moxxie sighed as he followed them through the portal.

All three imps stood in front of a small red house by the lake as the sun set. Blitzo and Moxxie leaned against the side of the house, rising from the bushes. Blitzo stood up and peered into a window. A row of white flowers were on a planter on the ledge.

“That’s gotta be her,” Blitzo whispered. He then chuckled darkly. “This is too easy.” He looked over at Moxxie. “Moxxie, do you want this one?”

Moxxie looked stunned and smiled nervously. “Me?”

“Yeah, this one’s simple enough for you to handle. It’s just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital.”

Moxxie stood up and looked through the window. His face fell as he looked at the happy family enjoying dinner. A pig’s head was at the center of the table. The house was decorated with axes and guns on the walls. A lamp stand seemed to be made out of a spinal column. Ralphie and Martha affectionately rubbed each other’s noses, Martha holding a dinner platter in her hand. Moxxie hesitated; there was no way he could kill any one of them.

“You snooze you lose, Mox!” Blitzo called out.

He got out his gun, which was black with flames painted on it. The reflector was an upside down cross and it hovered over Martha’s face. She smiled with large doe eyes and blinked innocently.

“And I’ve got you, bitch,” Blitzo murmured.

“Wait, are we actually killing a family?!” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“No, don’t be a puss, we’re just killing a mother,” Blitzo remarked. “We’re running a family.” He grinned and clicked his rifle, positioning it.

“But…” Moxxie began. “Hold on, hold on, let’s just think about it…”

Moxxie lifted up the rifle just before Blitzo fired. The bullet hit a glass mirror in the house, causing the family members to gasp in fear.

“What was that, Ralphie?” Martha asked her husband, who sat at the table.

Ralphie shook his head. “I don’t know Martha, but whatever it is…”

He stood up with a sharp-toothed grin, holding a rifle in his hands.

“They’re gonna be tomorrow night’s dinner!”

Martha set the platter down on the table, downed a glass of wine and smashed the glass on the floor.

“Alright, kids! Gun’s out!” She called with an evil grin. The kids, too, grinned evilly as they pulled out smaller guns. The boy pulled out his from his brown beaver-skin hat.

“Looks like we’ve got some rabbits to catch, youngins!” Ralphie said with an evil chuckle.

Back outside, Blitzo was fuming. “What the fuck was that, Moxxie?”

Moxxie breathed anxiously before letting out a croak, his snake-like tongue flickering. He fell to his knees, hands over his face.

“I’m sorry. They just seemed so wholesome and happy.” Tears fell from his eyes. “I panicked.”

Blitzo face-palmed. “Oh who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie? From the moment of birth, you’re already a parasite leeching off your momma’s tits.”

He grabbed his chest in an imitation of holding breasts. He leaned in and poked Moxxie painfully on the head. “Now get the fuck over yourself you baby dick prick!”

A bullet fired through the wall and shot Blitzo in the arm. He cried out as black blood splattered.

“A new hole!” Blitzo cried in terror. “Scatter!”

Blitzo and Millie leapt into the air just as another gunshot created a larger hole in the wall. A grinning Martha and Ralphie leapt through the hole and chased after them, guns drawn. Moxxie peered out from behind the bush, rapidly looking around. A child’s hand grabbed Moxxie’s pointed tail and he yelped. He only saw a barrage of fists from the children before passing out.

Millie flipped backwards along a cobblestone trail before diving into the lake.

“There you go, little critter!” Ralphie called, firing another bullet. He stepped onto the wooden dock. “Y’all can’t hide long from me!”

Millie had her head above the water under the dock, a knife in her mouth. She broke through the dock with a crash before landing with a grin, knife at the ready. Ralphie swing a beer bottle at her, but she moved behind him out of the way. Millie jumped up in the air, knife in both hands. Ralphie swung the bottle upwards, hitting her in the head. The glass shattered and she fell to the ground with a loud yelp. Millie struggled weakly to stand, but collapsed onto the dock, eye twitching. Ralphie grinned down at her as the sky spiraled red. He picked her up and headed deep into the woods.

Moxxie opened his eyes and gasped with a squeak to find his hands and body tied with rope. He appeared to be tied to a stitched up headless dead body sitting on a chair. Moxxie’s face fell in fear as he stared at the boy and girl in front of him. Both their eyes were red and devious grins formed on their faces.

Moxxie tried to defuse the fear. “Oh. Hello there little ones. Aren’t you cute?”

The children spoke in low distorted voices, the boy finishing shortly after the girl.

“It’s nice to have a new critter to play with.”

Moxxie glanced up in terror at a red spotlight above him. The light revealed a human head high up and several limbs on plaques. The wooden walls were stained with red blood. Tow plaques held stitched up faces of skin. A larger plaque displayed a dead man with long white hair, arms crossed, eyes and teeth bulging out. His upper chest was connected to the plaque. A picture frame made of bones displayed another face made of skin inside it. Human skin was tacked to the wall with “bless this mess” stitched onto it. Moxxie looked and saw a dead human body on a platter, an apple in its mouth. Organs were displayed in a nearby bowl.

Moxxie took one look at the dead body and whimpered. “Aw. Crumbs.”

Meanwhile, Blitzo was running for his life in the woods. Four gunshots rang out as Blitzo darted through a bush, leaves falling to the ground. Martha’s evil echoing laughter quickened his pace. The imp slide down a grass hill, landing on his feet. He crouched under the bushes, looking around. He panted, catching his breath.

“I know you’re hurtin’, little devil,” drawled Martha in a sing-song voice.

Blitzo darted behind a tree, taking in deep silent breaths. His back was pressed against the bark. He covered his mouth, not daring to move.

“I promise that I can make that pain go real quick.”

Martha walked through the woods, not too far away, in shadow. “Just come let Mama Martha put a bullet in that pretty little skull!”

Blitzo sighed in relief after hearing the footsteps fade.

Ring! Ring! Ahh!

A startled Blitzo scrambled to retrieve his yellow cell-phone, which was ringing a yelling ringtone. He eventually caught the phone before pressing it to his ear. The phone had a GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) on it and a laughing devil emoji with imp horns.

“This is a really bad time,” Blitzo whispered.

At Stolas’ palace, the owl prince was currently lounging in an ornate bathtub, several lit candles with blue flames positioned around the edges. Astrological symbols glowed white in a circle on the floor. The midnight blue curtains looked like the night sky, with starry designs on them. Floating constellations hovered around the room. He was the prince of astronomy as well as being horny.

“When isn’t it a bad time, Blitzy?” he mused, stretching his long slender arm. He held a rotary phone to his ear, the speakers shaped like sunflowers.

Blitzo sighed in frustration. “What is it?”

Stolas’ four red eyes blinked. “I’ve been meaning to follow up on our last conversation regarding my grimoire?”

Blitzo’s angry face appeared in a bubble.

“What did you just call me?” Blitzo asked. Stolas popped the bubble with a finger. “My book, Blitzy. The book I was given to do my job that I have allowed you to use to do yours?”

Blitzo ducked as a bullet flew through the tree he was behind. Martha’s shadowy figure appeared in the hole, her eyes and mouth glowing red.

“I can hear ya, darling!” she called out.

“Shit,” Blitzo muttered, scurrying off.

“Anywho,” Stolas continued. “I have been thinking. You know, I have been permitting you to access the mortal realm less than legally for quite some time now, but I do need it back to fulfil my duties. I was thinking, what if we worked out some sort of exchange?”

He ran a finger along the edge of the tub. He then did a walking motion with his fingers as they glowed red.

“Favors for favors? Doesn’t that sound…” He spoke seductively, “…enticing?”

Blitzo skidded to a stop as another bullet hit a tree. He ducked behind another one and frantically whispered, “You gotta stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, okay? I’m trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my hay!”

Bam!

Another bullet hit a spot on the tree.

“Then let me keep it simple,” Stolas explained. “Once a month, on the full moon, you return the book to me, followed by a night of…”

His eyes glowed red, his beak open in lust…

“…passionate fornication.” He briefly slid lower in the tub with a blush before rising up to lean against the tub.

“And…you get to keep it the rest of the time. Sound fair my little imp?”

“Fine, whatever!” Blitzo replied.

Blitzo let out a happy sigh. “Oh Blitzy! I’m so excited! I cannot wait to fill your slimy **** inside of my *****…”

Blitzo cringed as Blitzo went on about the sexual things he planned to do to him.

Out of nowhere, Blitzo found himself being pinned against the tree by the bottom handle of Martha’s gun.

“Got ya!” she grinned. Bltzo’s phone was on the ground, Stolas still talking.

“So, you’re a little devil, huh?” she asked, a wide grin. “Come to drag me and my kin to Hell? Well not today, Satan!”

She pressed the gun further into Blitzo. “Gonna send y’all back where ya came from!”

She hit Blitzo hard and he slumped to the ground. She took him and headed off into the woods.

Back at the house, Moxxie struggled to free his tied up hands and body. In the reflection of the window, he could see the orange yellow lights of fires. He gasped.

“Millie!”

The two kids stared deviously at him. He froze when the girl revealed a long sharp knife in her hands. Moxxie glared, determined. As the girl raised the knife, Moxxie shoved her backwards with the chair. There was a thud as the chair toppled over onto the floor. Moxxie grabbed the knife and cut the rope loose, freeing himself. A “Live, Laugh, Love” sign and a hangman’s noose hung from the wall. Moxxie burst through the round window, a shadow silhouette with glowing yellow eyes. Wasting no time, he raced into the woods and toward rows of torches. Hanging from the trees were red Satanic symbols. There were also tents around the area.

A full moon appeared in the sky from behind thin clouds. Down below, Blitzo and Millie were tied to a stake decorated with black spikes at the top. Ralphie laughed as he poured gasoline onto the ground by their feet. Martha stood nearby, holding a torch in her left hand. Her blouse was torn and low cut, with polka dots on them. Her eyes were red and she wore skull earrings.

Blitzo groaned in frustration. “I had that fucking shot. God dammit, Moxxie.”

“Satan!” Martha declared. “We return your filthy creatures back to the pits of Hell!” She raised her torch. “May the root of evil remain honored as we continue thy work!”

Martha tossed the torch underneath Blitzo and Moxxie, who still struggled to free themselves. Ralphie laughed again. The stake soon lit up in flames…

…leaving the imps unscathed.

“Yeah, that’s not exactly how it works, lady,” Blitzo explained. “Sorry, your fire doesn’t really hurt us, but I mean I could fake it if that’ll get your dick hard.” He smirked and Millie giggled.

“Oh. Shit.” Martha stared confused and rolled her eyes. “I don’t have one.”

Then she got a better idea and grinned. “Well, I’ll just shoot you in your smart-ass mouth!” She held her rifle in her hands.

“That would be more effective,” Blitzo mentioned.

“Blitzo!” Millie spat.

Martha laughed again as she raised the rifle, two barrels pointing at the imps. The imps closed their eyes and flinched.

A loud bang and a yelp was heard. Martha’s eyeball flew from her socket and she collapsed to the ground.

“Moxxie!” Millie cried, seeing Moxxie hold a gun in his hands. Moxxie raced over and untied Millie and Blitzo.

“You’re not getting your goddam paycheck for this one, Mox!” Blitzo mentioned before he fell down. Moxxie and Millie embraced each other with small smiles. They slowly moved their heads against each other in affection. Ralphie tripped over Martha’s body before fleeing the scene.

“Oh yeah, thanks! I’m fine!” Blitzo spoke out in sarcasm.

Moxxie helped Blitzo up, supporting him.

“I’m sorry, sir. I compromised our objective and put us in harm’s way. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Blitzo pulled Moxxie into a hug. “Apology accepted.” Then he spoke to Moxxie in a low threatening voice. “But if you ever pull off a stunt like this again, I’ll fuck you and your wife.”

Just as fast, Blitzo separated from Moxxie and announced, “Alrighty! Job well done! Now let’s get off.” Millie lifted her arms in a cheer. From his chest, Blitzo pulled out a gray horse figure with a back mane like a My Little Pony toy. He put it back and retrieved his cell phone.

“Eh. Yeah give me a moment. I need to get something I left at the house,” Moxxie said.

“Okay, fine but hurry up,” Blitzo said. He put his cell phone to his ear and spoke loudly, “Loona! We’re ready to come home, dear!”

Moxxie raced through the woods, determined to set things right. In the background, Stolas was talking to Blitzo, mentioning, “You and I on…peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all night.”

Back inside the house, the boy and girl were in their father’s arms in a corner.

“Don’t move!” Moxxie demanded, pointing his rifle at them. The boy and girl looked scared and innocent. The girl even had a dark gray stitched up teddy bear with her.

Ralphie chucked. “What are you gonna do, little guy? Kill us?”

“I should!” Moxxie replied, stepping back. “You people are monsters!” Then he lowered the rifle. “But… you should have a chance at a life and a purpose. Look at your children. They have their whole future ahead of them! You are going to face your crimes, justly.”

He picked up a remote from a stand. “I am calling your earthly authorities and they will make sure you are dealt with, fairly. I am handing this, my way.”

He pressed a button and a television turned on in the adjacent room. A black and white program played. Moxxie gasped in surprise, then looked down at it.

“Oh shit,” he muttered. The black remote had pink and white buttons reminiscent of a smiling goofy face.

“Uh do you…do you have a phone to summon 911?”

“Yeah, it’s in the kitchen,” Ralphie mentioned behind him.

Moxxie held the remote. “Then what’s this for?”

“It’s a universal remote,” Ralphie replied. “Got it for the kids.” The kids smiled and he pulled them in a hug.

“Aww,” Moxxie smiled, eyes shining.

He called the police and hurried back to the portal in the dark woods.

“There he is,” Blitzo said. “Have a good wank-off session, Moxxie?”

“Excuse me?”

Blitzo walked over to him. “Well I don’t care where you cum in the living world, just come to your job on time, alright?” He poked Moxxie several times for emphasis. “See you at the office!” He ran through the portal.

Millie placed a hand on Moxxie’s cheek. “You doing okay, sweetie?”

“Better now, honey,” Moxxie replied with a smile. “I think I just needed a minute to process.”

Millie tenderly touched Moxxie’s chest. “You have a good heart, honey.” She playfully pinched Moxxie’s nose. “Just a fuzzy head.” She kissed him and Moxxie’s heart fluttered. He smiled happily as Millie walked through the portal.

Moxxie heard the whirl of blades and flashes of light. He turned around. There were police cars and a helicopter in front of the house.

A voice over a loudspeaker said, “We got em’ boys!”

A missile fired at the roof and the entire house exploded in a fiery inferno. Something hit Moxxie in the face. He stared at the ground and found the head of the teddy bear that had flown off. He stared with a shocked look of disbelief on his face. The family that had a chance to be better was now dead.

Blitzo grabbed Moxxie hard by the neck and pulled him through the portal.

Later on, everyone was laughing and celebrating back at I.M.P. headquarters. They were all wearing birthday party hats. Loona and Mrs. Mayberry held slices of cake on plates. A white banner read “Killed the bitch,” in red letters. A white and blue cake sat in front of Moxxie, the blue icing read “We did it! :)” Everyone seemed joyful except for Moxxie. He still felt awful that they had killed an entire family. An evil family, but still…They had come close to being killed or caught. Now here they were celebrating human death.

Moxxie wasn’t sure if he agreed to the “senseless killing” morals of I.M.P. anymore.

Millie squealed for joy and hugged Moxxie tight around the neck. “Did you see my little Mox, Mox? We did it! Oh Moxxie!”

“Well here’s to another mission accomplished,” Blitzo announced, “…and Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up.”

Moxxie just stared wordlessly at his plate, dark circles under his eyes.

“And killing people isn’t that big of a deal if they try to kill you back,” Millie added, rubbing Moxxie’s white head of hair.

“That’s messed up,” said Mrs. Mayberry, “But I paid for it!”

Everyone except Moxxie chuckled at that.

“Yeah, fuck that family!” Blitzo declared, raising a fist.

Helluva Boss Episode Two: Loo-Loo Land

Part One: Octavia

Hundreds of years ago in Hell…Stolas’ Palace

Before Octavia Goetia was a 117 year old owl princess (Mentally turned seventeen supposedly August 15 2003), she was a cute little child owl living with her mother and father.

At night, faint blue constellations illuminated against the exterior of the estate. On the lower jutting wall structure supporting a balcony, Stolas’ sigil symbol also glowed blue in the dark. The balcony itself was spacious and decorated with hanging see-through drapes along the pillars. Spirals and a few eyes were also part of the design above the pillars. Bushes were lined up in rows on an upper row above the balcony, with little rows of coffin-shaped windows behind them in another wall. The borders of the building were decorated with difference phases of the moon in gold. Finally, the double doors on the balcony were stained glass in yellow and orange, with a sun on the left and a crescent moon on the right.

Inside the estate, three candles cast a dim teal light in the darkened master bedroom. The spacious room had a white tall couch off to the side and a rotary phone on a nearby dresser. Hanging on the wall was a mirror and several large portraits of Stolas dressed in red robes and a crown. Rows of small red banners hung around the top of the bed and four red curtains with gold royal symbols were draped tight around the bed. The bedspread matched the curtains.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

A child’s cry from another room roused the owl prince from his slumber. One of his red eyes opened halfway, another one a slit near the top of his dark feathery head. His face was white and heart-shaped. He turned his head to where his wife was sleeping. She was a white owl with long eyebrows that extended past her face. She was curled up in most of the blankets.

“Via’s calling us, Stella,” Stolas groaned sleepily.

Stella let out a sigh. “You get up,” she replied tiredly.

Stolas sighed and rose out of bed, briefly putting his fingers to his head. He opened the door to Octavia’s bedroom. The wallpaper consisted of several columns of moons and stars. Astronomy books lined a shelf while tapped drawings on the wall showed stick figures of Stolas and Octavia, labeled “Daddy,” and “Me.” A nearby portrait showed a smiling Stolas giving an overjoyed Octavia a piggy back ride against a blue background.

Stolas opened the white door, wearing his red housecoat and a pair of demon face slippers.

“Dear? What troubles you, my owlet?”

Octavia’s room was small, with a bookcase and strings of lights hanging around. A white and pink chest and telescope were decorated with stray feathers. Her bed was decorated with small stars and a pink crown on the white headboard, sparkling curtains on either side. A stuffed cat lay on the floor. A lavender blanket with yellow stars on it was currently quivering on the bed. A small frightened face popped out from under the covers: little Octavia. She wore pink jammies with white stars on them. Her face was white and her eyes were large and pink with white pupils. Three gray feathers stuck out from her feathery head and she also had a little tail.

The little girl sobbed and climbed out of bed.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

She ran into her father’s arms.

“I had a dream! A really bad dream!” Her mouth quivered in a whimper.

Stolas scooped her up into his arms and yawned.

“A nightmare.”

He wiped a tear away from her face.

Octavia spread out her arms. “I was looking all over the palace and…I couldn’t find you anywhere! You weren’t there!”

Tears appeared from her eyes and she hugged her father around the neck.

“There, there, Via. It’s okay; you’re okay.”

He pat her several times on the back and carried her into the room. A blue grimoire with a golden crescent moon on the cover floated into the room in a purple cloud of magic.

Stolas sat down on the bed, Octavia in his lap. The book hovered next to him and he waved his hand to turn the pages. Stolas looked at Octavia.

“When you’re sacred and you don’t know where I am, you must remember: I will never be far away from my special little Starfire.”

He playfully poked her on the nose and she giggled.

Stolas waved his hand and magic surrounded it. He moved his hand to the ceiling and created a starry portal above their heads. Octavia looked up with wonder in her eyes. It was then that Stolas started singing his lullaby: “You Will Be Okay.”

“It always seems more quiet in the dark”

“It always feels so stark”

Both of them floated upward through the hole. A brilliant indigo night sky filled with stars was revealed. A small bright sun and a distant ringed planet hovered in the distance. Stolas stood on the surface of a large white moon dotted with craters of various sizes.

“How silence grows under the moon

Constellations gone so soon”

Stolas’ feet made talon bird tracks on the surface as he carried his daughter.

“I used to think that I was bold

I used to think love would be fun

Now all my stories have been told

Except for one”

Stolas looked down at Octavia’s innocent eyes as their faces shone from the pinkish light of the nearby star. Octavia was the ongoing part of his life that Stolas continued to live for, day by day. In all the centuries of his long life, no sexual conquests, no battles nor royal duties could compare with the unique experience of raising a child. In a sea of constellations, Octavia was a guiding light to a greater purpose.

The ringed planet hovered beside another planet bathed in purple-pink light. A rocky meteor caught on fire and soared toward a molten planet.

“As the stars start to align

I hope you take it as a sign

That you’ll be okay”

Stolas sat down on a small rock and held his daughter close.

“Everything will be okay.”

The meteor slowly dipped into the molten planet, turning a fiery orange. The meteor broke through the planet, causing it to break into rocky pieces. Stolas and Octavia sat on a floating chunk of rock as light burst upward from between the gaps of the planet debris.

“And if the Seven rings collapse

Although the day could be my last

You will be okay. When I’m gone you’ll be okay…”

Octavia yawned and nestled into her father’s feathery chest with a small smile on her sleepy face. Stolas knew that even a powerful demon like himself could not live forever. Angelic weapons could kill both Hell-born and Sinners in Hell. The higher class Hell-born could respawn like the Sinners but unlike the dead previous humans, the Hell-born aged slowly and could die of natural causes like mortals.

Stolas was a part of a powerful ancient clan of demons, one of the first in Hell. The Ars Goetia brothers in arms were very numerous and powerful…desirable targets for enemies like Valentino and the lot. The family living for so many years didn’t lessen the potential sadness that permanent death would bring.

Like any good parent, Stolas wanted what was best for his child; to pass down some existential knowledge for her to remember later on.

“And when creation goes to die

You can find me in the sky”

Seven planets flew toward the sun, creating powerful impacts. The planets turned ashen black before everything burst into an explosion of light. Stolas’ vocalizing face was illuminated by the large pink smoke from the galactic explosion.

Tears pooled in Stolas’ eyes as the portal closed behind him, now back in the bedroom. A red and gold metallic model of a solar system hung from the back wall. Stolas lifted the starry blanket and draped it over a sleeping Octavia.

“Upon the last day

And you will be okay…”

Stolas walked toward the door, looking at her lovingly again before closing it. Octavia slept peacefully in her bed like a happy chick in a nest.

Stolas’ palace, Dec 9 2020, present day

Octavia jolted awake suddenly, her pink eyes angular with constricted white pupils. Her hand rested by her face. Her eyes narrowed in anger, her fist clenched as piercing yelling from another room echoed off the walls.

Her parents were having yet another fight.

She got out her phone and texted Loona: “Parents fighting again. Fuck my life.”

Loona replied: “Srry 2 hear that. Currently dealing with asshole boss and Moxxie the dick. Hang out at concert Friday?”

Octavia: “Hope so. Mom has grudge against imps and hellhounds, what a royal bitch.”

Loona: “Smh. Hang in there, my friend.”

Octavia knew that her regal mother, Stella was pissed that Stolas had fucked the imp Blitzo behind her back. Octavia often worried that Stolas would go on some honeymoon with that creature and leave her behind with Stella. Stella wasn’t cruel but she was sterner than Stolas was. Octavia didn’t know which was worse, her father’s childish attitude laced with a perverted nature…or her mother’s cold critiques of Octavia’s behavior. Stella loved her but expected her to mold into the royal role she was given from birth. Stella was more concerned with tea parties, fashionable attire and her appearance than Octavia’s many thoughts.

Currently, Octavia was just a typical emo/goth teenager who had to deal with a lot of stuff going on.

Octavia’s room was different as well. More spacious, it had a couple of slanted windows between purple drawn curtains that let in some light. A solar system mobile hung from the ceiling in the center of the room. A mirror hung on the wall along with several banners with suns and moons on them. A long couch in the style of white feathers sat off to the side, complete with comfy cushions and pillows. There was a smaller purple telescope as well. Her bed still had the sparkling starry drapes and above that, were hanging purple drapes with a small moon on it and a large pink eye at the very top. Her bedspread was midnight blue with crescent moons on them and the chest by her bed was plainer than before.

Octavia sat up in bed, with her feathers ruffled, quite literally as well as figuratively. With a grumpy look on her face, Octavia inserted earphones into her ears and held a blue phone in her hand, decorated with a yellow crescent moon. Octavia got dressed in her usual pink shirt with stars on it, black pants, shoes and a crown on her head.

A playlist of songs appeared, the majority of them were by My Chemical Romance and some were by Lilith. An icon with flames and a sad face appeared on the screen and she pressed the play icon. Pop music played in her ears as a person sang: “My world is burning down around me.”

The screams grew with intensity as she got out of bed and walked down a hall lined with Venus Fly Trap plants of different colors. They were arranged in a pattern of brown, magenta and purple. One poor potted planet crashed to the floor in front of Octavia. She stepped over the mess as she continued listening.

She could hear the vehement arguments form her parents as she walked into the spacious kitchen.

There was her mother, Queen Stella in a white dress with the top part of her outfit a light pink. A crown was on her head and light gray feathers fanned from her head like long hair.

“I can’t believe you slept with an imp, in our fucking bed!”

“It was unexpected!” Stolas replied. “I didn’t have time to go to a motel!”

Stella seethed in disgust. “A motel?! Like a fucking plebian?!” (Roman word for commoner)

“You want to fuck this one too?!”

In a fury, she grabbed a small white dressed imp butler and tossed him at her husband.

Stolas flinched, holding up his hands. “No! Of course not!”

Stella pointed a finger at him. “You are a god damn embarrassment! I’m not spending another moment looking at your pathetic, imp-sucking face!”

Stella stormed out of the room, tossing and breaking more of Stolas’ beloved plants as she yelled.

Stolas sighed in exasperation before turning to look at his sulking daughter who was sitting at a table with a box of cereal.

“Good morning, Octavia!” he greeted. “Did you sleep well, my owlet?”

“Was that a serious question?” she deadpanned as she drank coffee from a mug.

“Mm-hmm…” Stolas began as he walked to an old fashioned white refrigerator with the royal crest on it. He opened the door and took out a slab of zebra meat on a plate. In a corner shelf was a can of soda and a cartoon of chocolate milk. In a zip-lock bag were three white dead mice for a later snack. (They are owls after all!)

“What’s that you’re listening to?” he asked, with a snap of his fingers.

“This song is called “My World Is Burning Down Around Me.” It’s by Fuck You Dad. It’s a band.”

“Oh…how charming…” Stolas chuckled bemusedly. He shut the door and fed the meat to a large white potted plant in a small alcove off the kitchen as he pet it. The satisfied plant closed its three eyes. A starry calendar hung on a nearby wall.

“So…you two done screaming for the day?” Octavia asked.

“Um…” Stolas began as Stella let out another scream of anger along with a crash.

Stolas walked over to Octavia, who had a box of Robo Fizz’s Greed Seed cereal next to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You know what I haven’t done in a long, long time? I haven’t taken you to your favorite place in all of Hell! Why don’t we go to Loo-Loo Land?” He mentioned to a portrait of Stolas, Stella and a happy child Octavia in a dress at an apple theme park.

“I’m not five anymore.”

“You always were so happy when I took you to Loo-Loo Land! What do you say we go there again, have a day, just the two of us!”

“I’d rather kill myself,” she deadpanned.

“There we go!” Stolas beamed, bypassing her comment. “Anything but staying in this house.” He lifted a finger. “Now, I’ll arrange our security.”

He picked up a white rotary phone carried on a platter by the battered imp servant.

“Security for a theme park?”

“We are rich, and we’re hot. People want our money and our bodies!”

“Our money, maybe,” Octavia said under her breath. Stolas rotated the dial a few times.

“Speak for yourself, Princess. Now, I’m calling the only man who can fuck me!”

Octavia looked with disgust, cereal falling from her hand. “What?”

“Who can protect me! Us. Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.” The imp collapsed.

Octavia groaned and pulled her hat down over her eyes.

At the I.M.P. office, there was a picture of Blitzo wrapped in a towel with the words “#1 bitch” on it, with the word “boss” in red over the letters. A paper crown rested on one corner of the picture frame.

Blitzo played with crude representations of Moxxie and Millie made of office supplies. “Millie” was made from a stick and clips while “Moxxie” was made from an eraser.

“Oh, Blitzo, you’re such a good boss!” Blitzo impersonated Millie. “Yeah, I really want you sir,” he impersonated Moxxie. “Me too!” he said as Millie. “Let’s three-way!” he said as himself before lowering the office puppets to his crotch. The screaming ringtone of his cell-phone interrupted his pansexual fantasy.

“What?!” he yelled into it. He lounged in his chair, legs propped up as he drank iced coffee from a bloodstained mug. A poster with SpindleHorse on hind legs with “Wild and Free,” hung from the wall.

“Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy!” Stolas spoke lustfully.

Both Blitzo and Octavia forcefully spit out their coffee.

Blitzo spoke angrily, “What…”

Octavia said, “The…

Blitzo: “Fuck…”

Octavia: “Dad?!

“Language! Everyone!” Stolas shouted out loud before speaking into the phone. “I have a special request.”

“Aw look,” Blitzo mentioned, “I just had a chemical peel, so you’ll have to find someone else’s face to plant that feathered ass!” He was in no mood for another intimate session.

“It’s for my daughter.”

A session with Stolas’ daughter? “Ah, well make sure she washes it.”

“Oh! No! No, no, no!” Stolas cried taken aback. “I’m taking my daughter to Loo-Loo Land and I was hoping you brave little imps would accompany us.”

“We’re assassins, not bodyguards, okay? Don’t invite us to shit unless someone’s gonna die.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“With what?”

“Money.”

“Done!” Blitzo yelled in confirmation, accidentally smashing his phone against the desk. He glanced in annoyance at the shattered pieces before producing a white megaphone with a painted monster mouth on it. He put the crown on his head.

“M and M, get in here! We’re goin’ to Loo-Loo Land!”

Moxxie opened the door to respond. “Loo-Loo Land?” he asked in concern. An excited Millie smashed her head through the glass window of the office door. “Loo-Loo Land!” Her eyes were shining.

“Loo-Loo Land!” Blitzo yelled excitedly through the megaphone, his long snake-like tongue flickering.

“Shut the fuck up!” Loona yelled from another room.

Part Two: Loo-Loo Land

Loo-Loo Land was a knockoff apple themed park located in Mammon’s Ring of Greed. The sky was blue instead of red like it was in the Ring of Pride. Indeed, there were Seven Rings in this Hell ruled by Archdemons and named after the Seven Deadly Sins: Pride, Envy, Lust, Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, and Wrath. Only sinners could dwell in the Ring of Pride; it was Lucifer’s punishment since he hated mortals. Lucifer, Satan, Leviathan, Mammon, Asmodeus, Belphegor and Beezelbub were the Archdemons…but Lucifer was the Ringmaster of all of them!

A wide array of attractions spun, lit up, whirled and roared to life, some of them reaching toward the sky. There was a large Ferris wheel with a large blue star structure in the center. A star flyer swing ride spun people on swings, while a towering red roller coaster contrasted against the blue sky. A brick tower displayed an eye with pointed ears on the top of it. A white and red stripped circus tent stood between two tall pillars with red painted caramel apples on top as part of the design. Two smiling red apples wearing straw hats were the pillars that flanked the entrance. A teal sign with blinking lights around the border read “Mammon’s Loo-Loo Land” in white, the last “o” hanging lopsidedly. A cardboard cutout of Robo Fizz had an extended hand in an arch holding a welcome sign. A sign read, “Legally he have to say this,” and another sign said “Not affiliated with Lu Lu World.” Another sign read “Money please!” by a ticket booth.

A dark gray van pulled into a parking spot and Moxxie got out. He walked with a blank expression on his face, wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses like his imp colleagues. A bold red I.M.P. decal was spray painted onto the van door. Moxxie slid open the door.

There was the hunched black silhouette of Stolas, his four red eyes glowing menacingly in the dark. He got out of the van, a happy tall owl wearing red shorts and a white Loo-Loo Land shirt. There was a brief silhouette of Octavia, her two eyes glowing violet. Octavia seethed in annoyance as she peered out through the door. Blitzo and Millie came along as well, getting up from the red seats. Stolas put on an apple hat with big eyes and excitedly mentioned for his daughter to come along. Octavia covered her face with her black hat before following.

In a black suit and sunglasses, Blitzo strolled by Stolas with a serious expression as they walked by a booth that sold apple Loo-Loo hats. By a clock with a black crown on it that read 7:30 AM, was another booth with “Balloons Attack” on it.

“Now remember, this is work and work only,” Blitzo reminded Stolas. “Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs, alright?”

“Hey, dad, do we have to…” Octavia complained before Blitzo cut her off.

“Okay, yeah, hold on right there, sweetie.” He turned to Stolas, holding an accusing finger at him. “If you try fuckin’ my little ass in that park, I swear to…”

Stolas leaned down and playfully tapped and booped Blitzo on the nose. “You are so cute when you are serious!”

“I am literally going to be sick,” Octavia deadpanned.

“Oh crumbs!” exclaimed Moxxie, rummaging through his small gray bag. “I knew today would be a lot! What do you need?”

Moxxie fished around in the bag, retrieving pill bottles. “Antacids? Ibuprofen? Morphine?”

With a sharp toothed grin, Moxxie showed Octavia eight hypodermic needles with a glowing green substance in them.

“That was figurative, old man,” Octavia replied, arms crossed before walking away.

“Oh, right,” Moxxie chuckled sheepishly as he casually tossed the needles into a baby stroller by the cotton candy booth. A red baby imp wearing a bib with a pentagram on it stuck out his tongue and cooed as he reached playfully toward the deadly looking needles.

“But she said it was ‘literally,’” Moxxie muttered under his breath.

On a wall of a Plush booth were Robo Fizz posters and several taped signs that read: “Not Lu Lu World! Stop showing complaints,” “Does Lu Lu World have a sex robot? No! Stop asking!” “I would never do that to my BFF Lucifer.” “Everyone is so mean to me.”

Millie took off her sunglasses and beamed. “Wooow! I haven’t been to this place since I was a tot!”

An R on an “Apple Core Roll” sign fell off and squashed a poor teen imp below it. Moxxie flinched.

“It hasn’t changed a bit! Oh! Look! It’s Big Lovely!”

Near a gray Extermination booth with exterminator plush heads stood a blue animatronic T-Rex dinosaur wearing a shirt with a planet on it. It had yellow lopsided eyes. Three imps stood to watch it. It suddenly opened its mouth and let out a fierce roaring shriek.

“That is…deeply upsetting,” Moxxie mentioned. Millie pulled him toward her. “Oh come on! It’s fun! You’ve never been here?”

“No,” said Moxxie. “Theme parks always disturbed me. Especially the mascots,” he shivered.

The park’s apple mascot suddenly appeared behind Moxxie. It was a large red apple with a big row of teeth with several holes in them. The top of the apple was green and a black top hat rested on top of the costume. The eyes were big, the black pupils shaped like Pacman symbols. The mascot also wore gloves.

“Well hey there!” the mascot called in a goofy southern accent.

Moxxie screamed in fright as the imps both turned around.

“I’m Loo-Loo! Welcome to Loo-Loo Land!” said the mascot, spreading out his arms. “If y’all get hurt here, just try and sue us!” The mascot stood on an apple design on the ground as the animatronic head fell onto another imp. Stolas and Octavia stood near a carousel with monstrous looking horses and a small triceratops dinosaur. Some of the horses had bat wings, painted eyes all over and fiery shaped manes.

Stolas’s eyes glowed with childish excitement, while Octavia stood embarrassed. “Look! Via! It’s Loo-Loo!”

“I have a question,” Octavia stated, holding up a finger.

The mascot leaned in close to her. “Well ask away, little girlie!” The mascot bounced around, an eyeball hanging out as he made “a-hyuk, a-hyuk a-hyuk” sounds.

“Is it true this park is just a really shameless spin-off of Lucifer’s far more popular Lu Lu World?” Octavia smirked as Stolas looked at her with a pleading frown.

The mascot paused. “No?”

Octavia narrowed her eyes and scoffed. “This place reeks of insecure corporate shame.”

Stolas chuckled in embarrassment before leading Octavia away. “Why don’t we go check out the rides?”

“That chick’s creepy, huh?” the mascot asked.

“Ah, wait till her dad tries to diddle your holes,” Blitzo deadpanned.

“What’s that mean?”

“Don’t talk to me!” Moxxie called in suspicion, poking a finger at him. “I know you’re a pervert under there!”

Moxxie and Millie left. The mascot hung his body in dejection as he sighed “Yeah.”

Moxxie and Millie headed down a pathway while a sweating Moxxie stopped to catch his breath. “You really like this place, huh?”

“I love this place!” Millie exclaimed. “My parents would bring me and my siblings here, when they could swing it, Money-wise.” Willie and Lillie were Millie’s brother and sister and sometimes they were just as excited as she was. Unlike Blitzo’s mean father Donner and Moxxie’s parents, Millie’s parents tried to do what was best for their children while also attempting to survive.

An imp wearing loose clothing and a baseball cap pushed a wheelbarrow full of money into a nearby toy shop. A nearby sign on a brick wall showed a Robo Fizz doll and the words, “New! Fizzy Buddy! He laughs, he sings, he swears! Tell your parents to buy me! Over 100 lovable phrases! Posable! Only 48% asbestos.”

The two imps approach a window where apple plushies and apple shaped novelty cups with Ls on them were sold for $29.

Moxxie mentioned, “Yeah, the prices do seem rather criminal. I mean, that much for a novelty cup you use one time?”

“’Cause it’s Loo-loo Land!” Millie said excitedly. Blitzo walked over, slurping from a straw in a novelty cup. He wore a hat with an apple on it and two can holders and straws attached to it. Loo-Loo Land brought back memories of him and his sisters doing jokes and performing at the circus.

“Listen to your ho’ Mox,” Blitzo said, mentioning behind him. “How ‘bout I take the first watch while you two…” he winked, “have a little fun.” Stolas held up a white shirt with an apple on it to Octavia who frowned.

“Oh!” Millie cried. “We gotta do my favorite ride!” She picked Moxxie up and carried him as she ran.

“Oh yeah? Whi-Which one?”

Millie and Moxxie raced over to The Lawsuit roller coaster, the carts were red with the front displaying a green grin. The ride plunged at a sheer 90 degree drop while on fire. A lone rider hung on for dear life and screamed as the ride plunged into a tunnel in the ground. The mascot posed by a height rules sign. Later on, Moxxie threw up in a trash can as an angry vomit covered imp family glared at them. Even the red three eyed dragon from the petting zoo glared at Moxxie.

Stolas happily carried a balloon in his hand while Octavia slouched on. They walked by a stand that read “Funnel Cakes: Eternal Suffering” with popcorn and a sausage on a fork. Blitzo snuck around like a secret agent with his sniper rifle. He appeared on a teal-green tent roof of an “Ice Cream Bugs” stand. Blitzo slid with his rifle and knocked over cups at a “Hot and Cold Drunks” stand. The imps glared at him as he toppled backwards onto the ground. A nearby blaster game was titled “Stop that Soul” and showed a frowning sun and cardboard angels in clouds with xs over their eyes. Another sign read “Hax Away.”

Five grinning imps with knives and weapons peered out from an alleyway at Stolas, itching to kill him and steal the prince’s money. Blitzo slid along the floor, then glared at the imps, causing them to scatter away. Blitzo aimed his sniper again, near a game where imps could knock out mechanical clown’s teeth at “Teeth Off!” Stolas tilted his head upside down and stroked Blitzo’s horns from above. There was a game where one could toss balls into skulls and a ring toss with real spikes to toss them onto.

“You know, it’s quite thrilling to see you on the job, Blitzy.”

“Save it, bitch. I’m working.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “You both need to get a room.”

“Hey!” Blitzo called. “I am not a day-hooker!”

A nearby imp mother and her baby glared at Blitzo.

“What? I just said I’m not one, prude!” He flipped her the bird. A nearby film sign read “Pirana.”

Meanwhile, Moxxie and Millie walked along a line of booths, one read “Muppet” and one read “Knock a Bottle.” Millie suddenly beamed and pulled Moxxie toward another vendor. A smug imp wearing a yellow hat and a red shirt spotted them.

“Hello, hello!” he called. “Step right up and win a thing!”

Millie’s eyes shone as she gasped and pointed upwards. “Oh, look Moxxie! A thing!”

The “thing” was a purple stuffed animal wearing pink overalls with stripped imp horns. It had a yellow beak, an upside down cross on it and a tag with “Thing?” on it.

Moxxie looked at her with a grin. “Oh, you like that thing?”

“Yessss!” Millie exclaimed, drawing out the word. “I don’t know what that thing is, but I want that thing!”

Moxxie straightened his bow tie with a smug look. “Finally something I can handle.”

He walked up to the vendor, took out some money and handed it to the carnie. “Okay! One game, please!”

The carnie rolled his eyes and handed Moxxie a clown-like blaster with his tail. Moxxie pulled the trigger with one eye shut and the cork projectile hit the bullseye on the cardboard smiling apple’s behind. Millie clapped in the background. Moxxie made a “ricochet” noise and blew the black powder smoke clear of the gun.

The carnie just grinned. “Strike one, little man!”

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “But I hit it!”

“Hmm, I don’t know what to tell you, buddy. The target, see? It didn’t go down. So yeah, no go, bro.”

Moxxie slammed another dollar bill onto the counter, picked up the gun and fired again. He hit the bullseye but the cardboard apple stayed in place. He slapped the pistol in annoyance. “The Heaven’s wrong with this thing?!”

The carnie smirked. “Oh man, a real shame I tell ya. Whaa, whaa!” He pretended to cry and rub his eyes.

Moxxie hissed in anger and slapped another bill on the counter. “Another!”

Again and again Moxxie tried to hit it, but the carnie rigged the game, not making the apples go down. Soon, the carnie was holding 600 souls of Moxxie’s money, the dollar bills had Robo Fizz on them. He rolled one bill up into a cigar and put it in his mouth.

“Wow! Man, you’re really starting to make this sad. You know, if you suck, you suck! Guess you won’t win your honey here a prize.”

Moxxie seethed in anger.

“Let me try!” Millie said, taking the blaster from Moxxie. She fired it and the cork flew far off between the apples. The carnie grinned mischievously, and pressed a foot pedal, making an apple target go down.

“Oh, look at that! Lucky shot, baby,” the carnie said. He wiggled the rolled up bill against Moxxie and dropped it. Millie laughed and clapped.

Moxxie yelled, “Are you kidding me?! You…you…charlatan!”

The carnie pressed his hand into Moxxie’s face. “Hey, uh get lost pipsqueak, I’m talkin’ to the lady.”

He leaned toward her and made a purring sound, causing her to flinch back in disgust.

Meanwhile, Stolas pulled Octavia close with a gasp, letting go of his balloon.

“Look, Via! You used to cry such tears of joy at this show!”

Stolas mentioned to a large circus tent with promotional signs of Robo Fizz on either side. A mother imp tried to drag her crying child toward the tent.

“Oh no…” Octavia breathed, her white pupils constricting. A flashback of when she was a young girl came back to her. She was pushed against the stage by other cheering imp children. Robo Fizz was a robotic imp jester who posed on the stage with his arms spread out. An animatronic band was behind him. A neon sign above read “Fizzarolli and Friends,” with the “R” burnt out which made it look like “Fiends.” Robo Fizz sparked and cackled, wiggling his fingers and leering over a crying Octavia. Off to the side, a scowling Blitzo was dressed in clown makeup and attending a food cart.

Back in the present, Octavia and Blitzo muttered at the same time: “I hate that fucking clown!”

Meanwhile, Stolas happily waved as he was being held captive in the air by the gang of imps pointing weapons at him.

“Oh Blitzy! I need my bodyguard, please!” Stolas smiled unconcerned before another imp jumped up and put a purple cloth sack over the owl’s head. Another imp grinned and held Stolas’ wallet. One imp jumped, trying to skewer him with a pitchfork. Blitzo turned around and fired his rifle, shooting the imp in the torso. Black blood splattered against the cloth sack over Stolas’ head. The imps dropped him and quickly scattered away. Blitzo carried Stolas into the tent and set him down on a wooden bench before leaving. Octavia sat next to him, rolled her eyes and removed the blood-soaked cloth form Stolas’ head. The owl blinked, wondering where he was.

Two spotlights merged into one on the stage and Robo Fizz flapped open the curtains. He wore a jester outfit and his horns were covered with stripped cloth and little bells hung from the ends. A happy face and sad face pin were by his shoulders along with a string of lights as a necklace. His pants were stripped and he wore gloves. His shirt had small white hearts near the bottom and his eyes glowed an eerie green.

Six lit up arrow signs pointed to him and read: “Fizzarolli,” “Robot property of Mammon,” “Look at him go!” “Yes! Love 2 c it!” “Wow!” “He.”

Robo Fizz held up a sign with “Lu Lu” crossed out in red with “Loo-Loo, the better one,” on it. He also briefly held out a red and gold contract signed by Mammon: “This is a statement regarding the unfair accusations that my theme park “Loo-Loo Land” is trying to profit off my friend and ruler Lucifer’s park Lu Lu World. This is false. These allegations are baseless and untrue. You are all just dicks. Fuck right off and stop saying that, alright? They are legally distinct. I checked. Signed Mammon.”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey implings!” he said in his showman voice. “It’s me, the Robotic Fizzarolli! Shipped from Mammon’s factory to bring you a wonderful show celebrating Loo-Loo Land (spelled with O’s to avoid lawsuits!) Hit it!”

Rows of spotlights lit up and he began to sing. The curtains opened and Robo Fizz’s Five Nights at Freddy’s band played. An open clown mouth served as the stage backdrop. Robo Fizz rapidly pointed at a boy imp and a girl imp and made his rounds toward Stolas and Octavia. He moved back to the stage just as Blitzo aimed his sniper at him in warning. The band played on a rising structure shaped like a cake, decorated with eyes and sharp spikes.

“Loo-Loo Land, Loo-Loo Land!

Everybody sing along with the Loo-Loo band!

Every girl, every boy, every woman, every man

Loves Loo-Loo Land!”

An animatronic bear and a smaller rabbit meshed together played a red banjo with a pentagram on it. A lopsided dinosaur played a guitar decorated with flames. A green frog with large human teeth played the Robo Fizz head drums and a brown dog played the triangle. The two speakers on either side were shaped like weapons and had skulls on them. “Fizzarolli and Friends” sign glowed at the top.

“Loo-Loo Land! Loo-Loo Land!

Everything is beautiful in Loo-Loo Land!

Ugly children holdin’ hands

In Loo-Loo Land!”

Robo Fizz briefly pulled a crowd of imps into a hug before spinning around and tossing them aside. They crashed back into the stands. He hugged the animatronic dinosaur which fizzled and slapped the bear and rabbit, which squirted black ink at a nearby imp.

He poured gasoline onto a pile of “cease and desist” papers, causing them to go up in flames.

“Everybody’s friendly, and nobody is mean

No copyright infringement’s ever seen!”

In an imitation of Princess Charlie, Robo Fizz then posed on top of a piano. He stood on top, hand over his heart in the spotlight.

“I have a dream (he has a dream)

I’m here to tell (he has to tell)

About a magical fantastic place called Loo-Loo Land!”

He spun his body around and landed in a pose with arms and legs spread out. Octavia watched with disgust and boredom.

“Loo-Loo Land, Loo-Loo Land!

Everybody sing along with the Loo-Loo band!

Every girl, every boy, every woman, every man

Loves Loo-Loo Land!”

The show ended with a pyrotechnic display. Green flames ate up one of the curtains and Robo Fizz laughed as he did a final pose up front. Octavia leaned her head back and pounded her fist on the bench in annoyance. Stolas cheered and rapidly clapped.

“Ohhohohoho! How delightful! Haven’t had this much fun since the last Harvest Moon Festival…” Octavia hid her face in her hat again.

Behind Stolas, an imp armed with a wave-shaped keris sword rose from beneath the seats, ready to stab him. The imp’s head was quickly blown apart by Blitzo at the back seats.

“Oh! My, what aim you have, Blitzy!” Stolas praised.

“Ugh! I can’t do this anymore!” Octavia shouted in frustration.

“Octavia!” Stolas reached out in concern as the owl teen stormed off. Stolas chased after her as Blitzo followed suit. Robo Fizz cackled as he spotted the imp dashing along.

“Ha ha ha hoho-oh! Is that Blitzo my sensors spot up there?” He emphasized the silent “O” in his name. “I bet the kiddies are still running away from you, huh?”

He spun his head around in loops and cackled.

“The “O” is silent now!” Blitzo stopped and yelled.

Robo Fizz mocked him some more and did wild dance-like poses. “Uh huh! Just like your audience always was when you to-told your lazy jokes here!”

Blitzo tossed his sunglasses aside. “I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap-ass ripoff of an overrated sell-out jester!”

“Oh ho ho! Someone’s salty! Real or not though, people love me! Does anybody love you…”

His face turned dark and his eyes glowed menacingly, grin stretched wide, “Blitzo?!”

“No. But I’m really good with guns now!” Blitzo took out his sniper. “Dance, bitch!”

Blitzo slammed a new magazine into his rifle, switched it to full-auto and opened up on Robo Fizz, who cartwheeled out of the way of the rounds. He rapidly spun like a wheel up the stairs to where Blitzo was. He coiled himself around Blitzo like a snake, before using his momentum to launch the imp out of the tent.

“Fuck meeeee!” Blitzo yelled.

Outside, Wally Wayford, an imp with a southern accent was selling lit torches. There were two posters of Robo Fizz, the first was “Fizzarolli and the Handy Dandies.”

The other showed Robo Fizz with handcuffs: “Robo Fizz Personal Companion. Gives and receives. Ribbed for your pleasure. Real tentacle action. Ten speed vibration. BDSM feature. Machine Washable.”

“Torches, I say, I say!” Wally said in a southern accent. “Get your inconvenient torches here!”

Blitzo landed on the cart with a yell, which scattered the green torches everywhere.

“Ow…I say ow!” Wally yelled.

The flames lit the big top of fire. The flames rapidly spread to all corners of the park. Burning animatronics fled the tent as Robo Fizz cackled with demonic glee at the chaos.

Back at the blaster game, Blitzo had crash landed through the roof and into the pervert carnie just in time, saving Millie.

“Sir?” asked Moxxie, surprised.

“Oh hey guys!” a dazed Blitzo replied. “You should probably go and uh…make sure Stolas is okay! I got some…unfinished business to take care of.”

Blitzo stood up and drew a brown flintlock pistol and fired. Robo Fizz swayed creepily toward Blitzo, a red eye showing on his burning grinning face, green flames behind him. The impact spun Robo Fizz’s head around…but the jester was unharmed by the shot.

“Oh what a mouth!” Blitzo exclaimed as Robo Fizz caught the bullet in his mouth and spat it out. Blitzo grimaced as Robo Fizz rolled at him again. Moxxie, Millie and Blitzo jumped out of the way as the jester hit the booth, destroying it in a large explosion. Shrapnel and several white imp head prizes flew through the air on fire. The piece of a stuffed animal hit a young imp boy on the head, leaving him unconscious. The photographer then snapped the picture of the imp family.

“Goddammit Nathan!” the fat father yelled. “You ruined another bloody photo! Why were you even born?!”

Stolas wandered around other booths: Aim and Fire Shoot Apple, Happy Ducking, and a bomb themed Knok Knok game. One was called Eggs in the Basket, Poison Apples sold caramel apples decorated like slimy skulls and a dunking game was called Drown the Sinner.

Stolas then gasped. “Octavia!”

Octavia ran into a fun house shapes like an elongated head of Lucifer. The face was white with the blushes on the cheeks and the eyes were green and snake-like. The steps were positioned onto a long tongue and the fun house entrance was shaped like Lucifer’s fanged mouth. A top hat and an apple reading “Fun House” was at the top. Stolas followed her inside as two grinning imps held rope and weapons close behind.

The neon interior was filled with eyes, tubes, swinging pendulums, mirrors and disembodied hands. Stolas went further into the room and looked around. A sign reading “Smile” had an arrow pointed down at a tunnel. A shadow appeared behind Stolas as a random imp jumped onto his shoulders.

“Um, I think I’m supposed to be body-guarded right now!” Stolas said, annoyed.

The imp covered Stolas’ mouth with his shirt sleeve, but was shot in the head, falling to the ground. Moxxie and Millie appeared in the entryway, Millie had just shot the imp.

“Ugh. That’s better,” Stolas said, brushing his sleeve. “Where is Blitzy? He’s my knight in shining armor, not you littler ones.” Even his apple hat got an annoyed expression on it.

The imps came over to him, Millie hugging the thing stuffed animal. “He’s…uh busy.”

“Being a fool,” said Moxxie.

“What kind of fool?” asked Stolas.

“The “everything is now on fire,” kind,” Moxxie replied.

Stolas left the imps, dodging two swinging pendulums, and headed down a tunnel into an adjoining room filled with eyes on the wall. He then spotted Octavia sitting in one of four apple-themed rail cars, crying.

“Octavia…” Stolas breathed. He took off his apple hat and it fell to the floor, the goofy face now a sad face, reflecting Stolas’ emotional state.

Stolas scooted next to Octavia, leaving a bit of space between them. “I take it you are…not having fun.”

“I didn’t even want to come here!” Octavia protested.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I thought you loved it here.”

Octavia glared at her father. “When I was a kid and my parents didn’t hate each other, and my dad didn’t flirt with some weird red dickhead the entire time.”

Both owls looked downcast.

“I’m sorry, Via,” Stolas said. “I’m sorry for everything happening right now. I know it’s a lot but I…uh…I should have listened.”

“I just want to go home, but home doesn’t even feel like home anymore. You ruined it.” More tears fell from Octavia’s eyes as she shook her head and wiped more away with her arm.

“You need to understand, you mother and I…” He stroked the back of his head, nervously. “I just…I felt…she’s always been…I haven’t been” He stuttered, “…we weren’t in…” He buried his head in his hands, “I’m sorry, I-I-I don’t have the words.”

“Are you going to run off with him? And leave me behind? Go away where I can’t find you?”

“What? No!” He pulled her close. “No, no, never. I’d never do that. Never.” Both of them embraced in a tight hug. “I think it’s time to leave this place,” Stolas said. Octavia smiled a bit through her tears. Despite his mistakes, her father loved her dearly. It wasn’t too hard to forgive him. Stolas lifted her up into his arms and continued, “You were right. You are too old for it, anyway.” He walked through an apple shaped opening.

Stolas carried Octavia out of the Fun House as an imp grinned manically in the space above the drop-ceiling. The imp dropped down and flicked open a switchblade behind him. Stolas immediately turned around, his red eyes glowing brightly. The frightened imp was turned to stone on the spot, then was knocked over by a pendulum.

As dusk feel outside, the park was reduced to pandemonium. Millie tried to shoot Robo Fizz who wildly rolled around. The red dragon picked up Robo Fizz, tossed him into the air before catching him and swallowing him whole. On the dragon’s back, Moxxie gaped in terror.

Stolas and Octavia left the park gates.

“So, what would you like to do now?” Stolas asked.

Octavia smiled. “Oh, can we go to Stylish Occult? They sell weird taxidermy there.”

“Hmm,” Stolas said reluctantly, but then said “Okay.”

Octavia let out a small laugh. “Thanks, dad. You’re okay sometimes.”

Stolas smiled down at her, his face bright against the starry sky above. It was nice to get a compliment from her. “Thank you Via. Thank you…”

A massive explosion rocked the park, sending green flames shooting up into the air. The I.M.P. imps hurtled through the air, screaming before all three landed in front of the owls. All three were covered with smoke.

“Way to ruin another good thing, sir!” Moxxie strained at Blitzo.

“Worth it!” Blitzo replied, holding up a shaking finger. “That slutty toy clown had. It. Coming!”

Moxxie and Blitzo then fell unconscious.

In the darkness, Valentino’s hairless black dog Queef sniffed the unconscious Millie, grabbed her by the hair and dragged her still form away…

Helluva Boss Episode Three: Spring Broken

Part One: Verosika

The ground-shaking rock music blared as a gray van rolled along the street at high speed. The front hood of the van was loose and rattled up and down, showing a dark opening. The front headlights looked like a dark grate with a few yellow lights at the very ends. The small license plate at the front read “IMP-666” in black letters. Two red stripes streaked across the side of the van while the bold red and white I.M.P. decal was proudly displayed on the side door.

“I love this song!” exclaimed the leader imp, Blitzo. He was wearing his usual work outfit; a navy blue coat with red buttons and a red pin at the front. Above Blitzo hung small red and white flags. In the center was a white toy horse with a blonde mane and tail. With his hands on the wheel, Blitzo belted out the lyrics:

“You were the little spicy…uh… demon with the bleach blonde hair Fiendin' for some semen when I caught your stare Thought it might be love but you went too far Fucked all of my friends and blew up my car

Lit me on fire made me watch rom-coms Made a secret sex tape and showed it to my mom You were a bitch kinda generally Now I'm a wet wild stallion and I'm running free

You stepped on my nuts and you tore me apart Slapped up my booty and tangled my farts Cut off my dick when you shattered my heart But it grew back twice as long

MUSTANG DONG!”

Memories of him and a former lover were already rushing back to him. The song perfectly described his previous love life and though not very pleasant, was still fun to sing to. There were many times in his life where he considered horses to be better companions than his peers. An array of endless horse names and adventures he could conjure up in his head…

Blitzo made “horn” rocker symbols with his hands as he nodded his head to the beat. In shotgun, Loona made a face of annoyance as she glanced at her black and white cell phone in her hands. She wore her usual shorts, torn gray tank top and black strings in the shape of a downward facing pentagram below her neck. In the back of the van, Moxxie covered both ears as he sat in the long red seat. He wore his usual dark coat and red bow tie. Millie rolled down her window and smiled as the breeze blew through her wild black hair. She had on her black tank top and torn pants as well.

Blitzo drove the van into a reserved parking lot, surrounded by graffiti-sprayed buildings. A worn white banner on one building read “Buck you Flitzo” in bold capital letters. One of the buildings was decorated with a large red eye made of glass. Bizarrely enough, there was a billboard that advertised holy water. Blitzo haphazardly drove through the lot opening. He was just about to pull into the remaining empty space to the right when a pink convertible car beat him to it.

“Holy shit! F…” Blitzo yelled, he and Loona both fearful. Blitzo rapidly turned the wheel and the horn sounded. He slammed on the brakes and the van skidded to a stop. The pink car had a red heart with gold trim on the back and a golden border. The license plate read “SUCK-4-LIFE.” The wheels had small white hearts on the dark inside, white rims surrounding them.

An angry Blitzo rolled his head and turned off the radio.

Oh, you “suck for life,” do ya?!” he asked as he glared at the car. He pulled out his white megaphone and leaned out the window.

“Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum dump!” he yelled through the megaphone. “You have three goddamn seconds to get your dick out of my parking spot…”

A pair of tall high heels lowered to the ground. The shoes were black with pink hearts on them. The figure wore black tight pants with three pink xs on the side. She wore a black and white dress, a black star on the lower half and a large X and O over her breasts. A sparkly light pink fluffy coat covered her shoulders. Her face was dark pink and a black choker was around her neck. She had a pointed tail, little bat wings and curved pink horns with a few black stars on them. Her hair was long and pinkish white, and sunglasses with pink hearts on them obscured her eyes.

Blitzo lowered his megaphone in shock at the sight of the familiar succubus.

“Oh shit! Verosika?!”

The succubus blew a bubble of pink gum before it popped.

“Blitzo,” she greeted, arms folded. She had pronounced the “o” on purpose to annoy Blitzo.

Blitzo glared. “I should have known you’d be here. I could smell fish for miles. Which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is…”

Blitzo fell out through the window, face-planting onto the ground. He quickly stood up, pointing at the ground, “…three rings down!” He was referring to the Ring of Envy where the oceanic ruler Leviathan resided.

“And I should have known you’d be here when I heard the Amber Alerts,” Verosika retorted. She held a white and brown flask bottle in her left hand. It was decorated with a small red and white heart near the top. “I.M.P. is a scam!” and “Swear word” were painted on a nearby brick wall.

“Oh yeah?” he asked. “I’m surprised they let your fat ass out of rehab. I can see you’re still a drunken whore, clutching onto that beelzejuice juice bottle like it’s the last cock in Hell.”

“They let me out because I’m still famous,” Verosika bragged, flipping back her long hair dramatically, “and rehab is for sad, loser wash-ups.”

She took a drink from her bottle and wiped her black lipstick mouth with a gloved white thumb.

“So your sister says hi,” she smirked, implying a temporary sexual relation with Tilla or Barbie Wire.

Blitzo stomped over toward Verosika. “Why are you parking here?” he growled. “This is the only parking spot my company has. So take your tampon race car somewhere else.”

Verosika leaned slightly toward him. “Actually prick, it has my name on it.”

She pointed down at their feet, where “Verosika” and a heart was spray painted in purple over the previous black “I.M.P.”

Verosika stood up. “I’m doing a bit of freelance for one of the infinitely more successful companies in the building…”

“No way,” Loona breathed as she peered from the van.

“…and they wanted to have me come in this week to lead their team during spring break.”

“A week?!” Blitzo exclaimed. “No, no, you are not parking here for a fucking week!”

Verosika removed her sunglasses, revealing pink irises with yellow sclera.

“Aw, you mad, Blitzo?” she cooed in a mocking tone. “You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car…”

Verosika and Blitzo talked over each other, “…and run three Rings to Wrath and back and max my credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?!”

Blitzo stomped his foot. “God dammit whore, you will not let that go!”

Verosika walked past him, showing a middle finger. “Choke on a sandpaper cock.”

Loona lowered her head as she walked by. Blitzo angrily followed Verosika.

“Hold on, you better move that pussy wagon right now or I’m gonna…”

Blitzo froze as he heard a low growling sound behind him. Towering over him was a beefy dark gray Hellhound man. He wore a torn black jacket decorated with red spikes along the shoulders. A black tattoo of a wolf with sharp teeth and a tongue out was on his left shoulder. He had thick eyebrows, torn pointed ears, a black nose and a scar over his milky left eye. His right eye was red.

“You’ll what?” he grunted, showing his sharp white teeth.

Blitzo stuttered and looked around, fearfully. “Or I’ll…um…I’ll…I’ll call HR.”

Blitzo, Verosika and the Hellhound burst into sudden laughter before they calmed down.

“Anyway,” said Verosika, “Meet my new Hellhound, Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well.”

Vortex walked by Verosika’s side as she left. She flipped off Blitzo again before saying, “Ta ta, fuck stain.”

“Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that,” Blitzo muttered in annoyance.

Just then, Loona stepped out of the van. “You know Verosika Mayday?!”

“Huh?” Blitzo asked. Then he casually answered, “Oh yeah, her, yeah, we dated.”

“Was it before or after she became a pop star?” Millie asked in curiosity.

Blitzo crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

“You dated a popstar?!” Moxxie added as he stepped out of the van.

“Okay, why are you all acting like that’s such a shock?” Blitzo asked.

“Hello. It’s Verosika Mayday?” Loona replied.

“It’s you?” Millie said. Moxxie and Millie were surprised that a famous person like Verosika would consider dating someone who was perceived to be far below her league.

Moxxie scratched his head. “I just…Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?”

“Okay look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be,” Blitzo said. “I don’t pry into your stupid personal lives.”

Loona, Moxxie, and Millie did overlapping yells:

“You do that all the time, sir!” yelled Moxxie.

“Come on, you do that,” added Millie.

“You totally do that,” Loona agreed.

Millie grinned mischievously, her eyelids lowering. “What was sex with her like?”

“Millie!” Moxxie yelled, taken aback.

“What?!” Millie shrugged. “It’s a pop star! You’d wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like.”

Moxxie paused in mid argument. “Touché.”

“Okay look, let’s just drop it!” Blitzo demanded. “Millie, find a temporary spot for that truck.”

He tossed a pair of keys to a gleeful Millie, who caught them and scampered off.

“Okay, Loonie, Moxxie, let’s go handle this shit.”

In the building, Loona led the way between the imps as the three stepped out of an elevator. The dark brown walls were decorated with yellow webbed cracks. I.M.P. was painted in red on an office door window. The Hellhound nervously stepped forward, hands together.

“Did they see me? Fuck! I did my makeup shitty today!” she muttered. Blitzo stared at her with shining eyes.

“Oh you look perfect, Loonie. Like always.”

She flinched away from him, arms crossed as she passed by a water cooler. A look of annoyance crossed Loona’s face at Blitzo baby-talking her.

“Oh shut up da…” Loona began before seeing a look of adoration and wide eyes on Blitzo’s face. She had almost said, “dad.”

“Urgh!” she caught herself and shoved him aside. “…Blitzo!” She checked her face in a small hand mirror, a wolf design on it. She then bumped into a long furry arm.

“Oh. Whoa,” she breathed. Glancing down at her was none other than Vortex. Redness crept up to her cheeks and she wagged her tail. Blitzo briefly smiled at Loona before gasping in shock. He dashed between Loona and Vortex, arms out.

“Hi big man,” he said. “Where’s your bitch bag of an employer?”

“She’s in her office,” said Vortex in a low voice. “There wasn’t room on the second floor so they rented one here on this one. It’s way cheaper.”

Vortex mentioned toward a room down the hall, across from the I.M.P. office. Three neon hearts stood right above two blue double doors. A large pink “V” and a pink “M” were painted on the door windows, standing for Verosika Mayday (and Vivienne Medrando, creator of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss!)

“Oh come on!” Blitzo yelled.

Vortex chuckled with a shrug of his shoulders. “Sorry man,” he said before walking away.

“Oh no you don’t, bitch,” Blitzo muttered.

“Sir,” Moxxie began. “How about you let me go in and try to reason with her. I don’t really listen to what’s classified as “pop genre” music, so her status to me is…”

Blitzo tuned out Moxxie’s rambling.

“Moxxie,” he said, “Shut the fuck up.”

“All righty then,” Moxxie replied, pushing open one of the blue doors and going inside. Electronic music briefly sounded from inside the room. The room had been converted into a dimly lit recording studio, with mixing consoles, effects units, microphones and separate booths. The neon pink border just under the ceiling gave it a club-like atmosphere, as did the rows of beer bottles on the counters. The silhouettes of Moxxie, Verosika and her gang of demons were visible from a large glass window.

“Hello Miss Verosika was it?” Moxxie asked, his eyes golden and glowing. “I work for Imp and it is actually rather important for us to retain the singular parking space we were assigned because…”

A woman succubus with a bob of hair pointed at Moxxie. “Aw, look at the little one. He’s got a wittle bow tie!” The gang snickered.

“Please don’t condescend me, ma’am,” Moxxie replied. “I…”

A male incubi leaned close to Moxxie. “Wanna kiss, you little guy?”

Moxxie stepped back. “A…A kind offer, but…I’m married.”

Verosika stepped forward as her gang surrounded Moxxie. “Hey, why don’t you send a little message from me back to your limp-dick boss?”

Verosika and her gang hissed with sharp shadowy mouths over Moxxie. The imp screamed “Don’t touch that!” Blitzo raced over and pressed both hands on the window pane.

“Moxxie, do not let her access any of your holes!” he cried.

Moxxie raced back into the hall, his back against the closed doors. He was shaken and battered, with red lipstick kisses all over his face.

“I…I gotta go lie down…now,” he stuttered as he walked away.

Blitzo fumed, veins popping in his yellow eyes. “Oh this won’t stand!”

He boot-kicked both doors open, gaining the attention of his ex and her crew. There were other succubi and incubi with reddish pink skin, horns, pointed tails and small bat wings. A white-haired man wore a black collar with a black upside down cross around his neck. He wore a black short sleeved shirt with a red logo that read “burn forest burn” on it. His taller male partner wore a ripped black tank top with a circled X on it. His hair was black and he had a black goatee. Two demon women partners sat together as well. The first had long dark hair and wore a fishnet top and leggings. The white-haired succubi next to her wore short revealing overalls. Verosika stood poised in the middle.

“Alright, (censored)! That’s it!” Blitzo yelled, marching over toward Verosika. “If you’re gonna be shitty to my employees…” he pointed a finger at her, “…then I challenge you to a fucking…challenge!” He leaned his head back in frustration. “Fuck, I said that twice.”

The woman with long dark hair chuckled. “Is this imp boy starting a demon duel?”

“I think he is,” Verosika replied with a snicker. She bent over toward the imp. “What’s the game then, Blitzo?”

“Every year, you STD spreaders go topside for easy pickings while spring break is a prime time for crime of all kinds!” Blitzo responded. He grinned, “So I bet…you succu-bitches can’t fuck as many people as we can off by the end of the day.” He briefly made a hand gesture of a gun.

Verosika and her gang burst into laughter. Blitzo glared in determination. Verosika and the others stopped laughing. “Oh, you’re serious?” Verosika asked. She leaned in and spoke to Blitzo in a low whisper, “Game on, bitch.”

Later at I.M.P. headquarters, Blitzo stood in front of an easel full of paper and a large whiteboard flanked by bat wings near the top. There was a large bar graph drawn on the board along with horse drawings. On the left hand corner, Blitzo had written, “Potential Horse Names: ‘Grape Fiesta’, ‘Paperclip’, and ‘Soap’, -32.” Moxxie, Millie and Loona sat in their usual spiked chairs around a long table to listen.

“Alright, shut your assholes, here’s how were gonna do this shit,” Blitzo announced.

“First, we find a fuck ton of clients…”

The animated childish drawings on the paper showed Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Loona standing together. A crowd of imps and clients surrounded them and gave them hugs and piles of money.

“We portal up…”

The Blitzo drawing snapped his fingers and the I.M.P. figures fell down to earth.

“We have our fun murder time as per usual…”

The I.M.P. figures used guns to kill the human figures around them.

“We pile all the bodies into a big fucking canoe…”

Drawing Blitzo tossed the dead humans into a canoe that read “S.S. Cum Gutter.”

“We push said canoe into some water. We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles and maybe a goose, too. Fuck it…”

Animated drawings of sharks, snakes, eagles and a goose ate at the bodies on fire. A large octopus sea monster snapped the boat and everything up in its mouth.

“They come and eat the bodies, we win the bet…”

The I.M.P. figures cheered, while the Loona one wore a party hat and blew a noisemaker.

“We rub it in that sloppy bitch’s drunken whore ass face.”

The Verosika drawing burst into tears on her knees as the I.M.P. figures flipped her off several times.

“Do you have any questions?” Blitzo asked as the real meeting continued.

“Uh yeah, why was that nonsense?” Moxxie deadpanned.

Blitzo walked over to him. “That wasn’t a question.”

“That wasn’t a plan,” Moxxie retorted.

Blitzo put a hand around Moxxie. “I’m sorry, but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do, Mox. It’s not my fault you’ve got a smooth little brain upstairs.”

“A what now?” Moxxie asked, eyebrows raised.

“I’m calling you slow, Moxxie. God, why don’t you learn to take criticism, you talentless baby dick troll?” He pointed his finger into Moxxie’s chest several times as he spoke.

An angry Moxxie stood up on the table. “Well why don’t you take an art class?”

Blitzo grabbed Moxxie by the collar and threw him back onto the chair. “Why don’t you see how expensive they are?!”

Loona interrupted the argument, still holding her cell phone. “Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?”

Blitzo crossed his arms in disapproval. “Absolutely not. I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who drool all over you.”

All four characters glared into the camera, breaking the fourth wall.

“Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough,” Loona explained. “Just let me tag along.”

“Wait, say that again,” said Blitzo.

“I can blend in?” Loona reiterated.

“You have a human disguise?” Millie asked.

“Yeah. Don’t you?”

The three guilty imps nervously looked at each other, eyes darting from side to side.

“You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time, without human disguises?!” Loona asked in disbelief.

“Okay, new plan!” Blitzo called, rapidly scribbling on a piece of paper. He placed the paper on the easel, showing Loona surrounded by human figures with tiny hearts around them.

“Loonie can help lure the humans to us and we’ll take care of the rest. Okay how about that?”

“Flawless logic,” Millie smiled in agreement.

Moxxie held up a clawed finger. “I think you’re missing the biggest issue, sir. Isn’t it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren’t just going up to massacre.”

Blitzo smirked in response. “I got that covered, Mox.”

Not long after, Blitzo stuck a flyer onto a pole. It read “Spring Break Victim 50% Off!” It had a drawing of Blitzo, a dead victim and little cartoon horses.

Blitzo strode to Moxxie. “Now, we wait.”

Moxxie shook his head. “Sir, there is no way we are going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one poorly spelled bad grammar flyer!”

Both Moxxie and Blitzo paused and looked over to see a line of a dozen creatures looking in curiosity at the flyer under the Pride Ring’s blood red sky. They arrived in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some of them were imps and others were sinners. There was a pink fluffy monster with black eyes, an orange fly trap plant wearing librarian glasses, a fox with thick white hair, a humanoid dog with pointed ears and a hook for a hand. Next to a teal lizard lady with dyed hair stood a tall man wearing a blue suit with a deer skull for a head. Even Travis, a gray owl demon, was there.

Blitzo elbowed Moxxie with a smug grin before strolling over to the other demons. “Now, who’s first?”

Part Two: At the Beach

The beach in the human world was alive with humans from everywhere. Men, women and children happily walked around, relaxed under umbrellas, or had snacks. Several surf boards stood up in the sand by a decorated teal wall with a wavy orange design taking up the center. The crowd was positioned between a wooden dock and a makeshift stage. Two women wearing sunglasses got comfortably close and kissed each other in the shade. A muscular dark skinned man talked with a red haired woman while a blonde guy wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap shook a bottle of pills into his mouth. Above the beach lay a small row of shops. One sign read “Pawn Paradise.” One sign read “hotel” in red letters while another sign read “Sea cream” with a teal ice cream cone structure next to it. Another sign read “Pico Puncho Pizza” and another read “Dagon Juice” and had a green fish with a sailor’s cap on it.

In the shadows under the dock, the I.M.P. crew emerged from algae covered rocks.

“Now remember, we can’t be seen, alright?” Blitzo reminded them. “And loose shots will likely cause a panic, so Loona can help with leading targets to a better spot to off them. You got the list, Loonie?”

Loona skimmed the list in her hands and gave it a sniff. “Got it.”

She dropped the paper, stood up and walked into the light. A rush of swirling blue magic enveloped her before it vanished.

Loona was now in human form. She opened her red eyes and brushed her thick light gray hair with her hands. She wore her same dark crop top and high black shorts but she now had white skin, two bars in her right ear and a partially shaved head. She had gray eye makeup on and a black choker around her neck. Her pale midriff, arms and legs were visible.

All three imps stared in amazement.

“Oh Loonie, look at you!” Blitzo breathed. “You look downright awful!”

Loona glared at him.

Blitzo wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m so proud.” He pointed ahead. “Now go fetch!”

Loona peered in front of her with a hand over her eyebrows to help block out the light. Her target humans were outlined in red in her vision. Loona smirked and strolled over to a tall dark haired muscular man wearing sunglasses. She moved a finger toward his chest and gave him a flirtatious grin. She mentioned behind her to a private alleyway. Loona led him into the alleyway and leaned casually against the wall. The man reached out to grab her in lust but was immediately shot in the head by Blitzo spying on the roof. He gave Loona a thumbs up.

Later on, a blonde man ran to Loona in an alleyway with a hungry lustful look on his face. He was caught in a noose by Blitzo. A random “music band” poster hung on the wall. On a rooftop, a brown haired man leaned in to kiss Loona, but Millie knocked him off the roof with a kick. The man fell into a green dumpster that Moxxie slammed shut. Loona walked with a fat man down the sidewalk and a flower pot crashed fatally into his head. Blitzo killed a woman with a knife, Millie killed a white haired woman with a spiked baseball bat, and another woman got shot in the head.

Blitzo and the gang put the bodies in bloodstained dark trash bags, closing them. In the background, Millie happily jumped on another body.

“That’s nine kills in the bag!” called Blitzo. “I’d like to see that waily snatch orgasm that many…”

The imps froze when they heard a voice through a microphone. It was Verosika Mayday on stage, in her human form. Her shadowy silhouette in the clearing smoke resembled her demon form. She had blonde hair, tan skin and wore black leggings and high heels. She wore a pink skirt and a matching frilly top that revealed her right shoulder. She had a small black heart on her right cheek. The background lights were pink, giving the appearance of moving hearts. “Verosika Mayday” was on a pink banner overhead. Verosika appeared on two screens on either side of the stage, showing moving hearts of red, pink and white for the background. Six pink spotlights shone on her.

“All right spring breakers! Are y’all ready get fucked up and make some bitching bad choices?!”

The crowd cheered in affirmation. A white teen boy with short blonde hair tore off his shirt and yelled “Verosika!” He had her name written in pink on his bare chest.

Verosika sang her song:

“All aboard

Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown

V-time, free time, baby relax

Self-care, no hair, Brazilian wax

Hardtop succu-bus to the beach

Catch some rays while catching some D

Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown

Hot dog, hot bod, sausage and buns

Threesome, fivesome, having some fun

Back to my place, welcome to Hell

Sun’s out, hormones out, how does it smell?

Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown”

Verosika performed her song on stage and took a drink from her bottle. “Fuck you Blitzo” appeared on the screens as Blitzo seethed. The humans made out with others around them. The humans kissed, hugged, and gave each other anal. One dark woman succubus showed a love-struck man a popsicle with semen-like saliva on it. She grinned and threw herself onto the human male. An incubi with dark hair in human form smiled and snapped his fingers at a blonde man…his sunglasses fell off his surprised sunburned face. Several more succubi and incubi grinned and snuck up on the humans.

Blitzo was furious. “God dammit, that bitch started her godish mating call! Now she’s gonna win all those sex maniacs. We gotta pick things up, guys! He on the list, Loonie?”

Blitzo mentioned to a vomiting long haired blonde man in boxer shorts.

Loona appeared distracted, not even looking at him. “Huh? Yeah I think so.” Loona was staring at a tall muscular black skinned bouncer by the stage: a human Vortex.

“Good!” Blitzo called.

The blonde man looked up at Blitzo in a stupor.

“Whoa, what are you? A leprechaun? Hahaha!”

Blitzo raised a sharp black and red ax. “Oh yeah, pretty cool, huh?”

Blitzo smashed the man’s head open with the ax, causing blood and brains to splatter.

“But you sure as shit ain’t gonna tell nobody.” He looked over. “All right, next one, Loonie, come on.”

Blitzo rapidly glanced around, but Loona wasn’t where she was a moment before.

“Where’s my baby?!” he cried in a panic. Millie pointed toward the stage. “Look!”

Loona nervously made her way through the crowd, avoiding a French-kissing couple and tossing aside a bra that landed on her head. A squealing fanboy ran toward Verosika but Vortex punched him into the ground, head first. He dragged the teen away in the distance as Loona watched. A male incubus appeared as a white skinned human with short white hair. Putting both hands on her shoulders, he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at her. With a roll of her eyes, Loona landed an uppercut on his chin, causing him to fall.

“Now, who wants a piece of this?” Verosika called as she took one last gulp.

She tossed her flask into the ocean, creating a small golden portal. A fish appeared, which rapidly grew in size.

Loona walked sideways over toward Vortex.

“Hey, you,” she tried.

“Hey,” Vortex replied. “You’re the hound working for my boss’s freaky ex.”

“Yeah. Sorry if that’s weird.”

“It’s cool,” he shrugged. “Her beef ain’t mine. I’m not paid enough to care.”

Loona laughed nervously. “Yeah. Yeah.” She pushed her hair behind her ear. “I’m Loona!”

“Okay.” In her giddy tone he repeated, “I’m Vortex!” Both chuckled.

“That’s hot,” Loona said with a grin. Then her face turned red and flustered. “I mean like literally you know because vortexes, you know, they give off heat. Probably.” She pointed both fingers in a snap, trying to act cool.

Vortex chuckled lightly. “Uh, yeah. I guess. But my friends call me Tex.”

“Oh yeah. I wish I had friends. I mean no, I mean, I don’t. I…I don’t have friends.”

Just then, Blitzo arrived, moving himself between them.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“Nah man. Just having a conversation,” Vortex replied.

Blitzo narrowed his eyes and wagged a finger at him. “’Conversation’ leads to HPV!” Loona clenched her fists in frustration.

Meanwhile, Moxxie and Millie hid behind several metal beer barrels.

“And… we lost him,” Moxxie declared. “Huh, it’s looking like it’s up to us handle this list.”

Millie’s face shone in excitement. “Hell yeah! Team M and M, getting shit down, making the money!”

Moxxie and Millie ran off holding hands in the sunset and killed more people. A sign read “Senpai, notice me.”

Loona pinched her nose. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Loona said to Blitzo in concern. “You’re gonna get us all into shit.”

“I just wanted to see what was so important that you’d be distracted from your job.”

Loona angrily pulled Blitzo away from Vortex.

“What, I can’t have a break?”

Blitzo yelled at the top of his lungs. “We have a parking spot on the line!”

“Hey dude,” Vortex mentioned as he walked over. “Why don’t you chill out?”

Blitzo wagged a finger. “Why don’t you stay out of it?”

He turned back to Loona.

“Okay, this is our business.” He pointed to the ground and in his tail was a drawing of Blitzo killing a person, a horse followed by an equal sign and dollar signs. “Literally.”

Loona clenched her fists and briefly leaned forward in anger. “Oh fuck Blitzo! Why can’t you stay out of my face for like five minutes?!”

“Because I adopted you! And that should mean something.”

“Oh what does it matter? You’re not my real dad! I was almost eighteen.”

“It still counts.”

“Well it shouldn’t. I didn’t need you then, asshole! I don’t need you now.”

A tense silence followed. Both of them crossed their arms, their backs to each other. Both faces showed hurt expressions.

As a young pup, Loona had been left to fend for herself by her real neglectful parents. She had lived a life of meth addiction, sex, fighting and insecurity with no real friends. Blitzo was perhaps the first person to truly care about her. He took her in as a teen and adopted her…and she had worked at I.M.P. ever since. Loona already felt bad at what she had just said. But there was no taking it back.

She stuttered, trying to say something.

“Uh, Blitzo…I…”

“Enjoy your break, Loonie,” he replied. “I’m gonna go kill something.”

Loona sighed sadly as he left.

“Damn, girl. That was savage,” Vortex remarked sympathetically. He placed a large comforting hand on her shoulder. “You okay?”

Loona blushed heavily, forcing a smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine. He’ll get over it. He usually does.”

“I’m glad you could stick up for yourself, at least,” Vortex mentioned. “Hmm. Takes guts.”

“Thanks,” Loona smiled.

Meanwhile, Moxxie looked to the left and right from behind the beer cans on a table. Beer can and bottles were everywhere. Moxxie ducked back behind them, watching as Millie loaded her crossbow. The two imps smiled and kissed.

A man with a baseball cap, sunglasses and a tie-dye shirt that read “Kool” threw down a beer can. “Yeah! Party!” he yelled. The man pointed both fingers in the air and then promptly flipped the table, sending the imps flying. Moxxie landed on the ground as the beachgoers stepped back.

“Eww!” exclaimed a red haired woman in disgust, pointing down at him. “Oh my god! It’s a fucking possum!”

Moxxie tried to scurry off, but a man picked him up. “Oh crumbs!”

“I got it!” called the guy with “Kool” on his shirt, holding up Moxxie in the air. A muscular blonde man held a large beer barrel. The first guy tossed Moxxie inside while the second one closed the lid. “We put him in the keg,” one of them said. The other people cheered as Moxxie was carried away. “Beer is awesome!” they cheered. While he was inside, he gulped down the beer around him. The people tossed the barrel and played catch with it before leaving it behind.

Millie dashed from behind the beer cans, arriving at the barrel Moxxie was in. The barrel wobbled, surprising Millie. She placed her ear to it before tipping it over. Moxxie spilled out on his back with the remaining beer.

“Moxxie!” Millie cried.

“Millie! Hi! Hey!” Moxxie slurred, rolling onto his back and looking at her upside down. “Hey, when did you get four heads? I wanna kiss ‘em!”

He made smooching noises before Millie picked him up.

Suddenly, a large gush of water rose up from behind them. A dark shadow passed over their faces, darkening the sky. The humans glanced up in shock. Even the demon gang and Verosika looked on in fear and surprise. A woman pointed upwards and several people ran off. A giant foot crushed a man lying on a turtle towel. Blood splattered everywhere and onto the crowd of humans. Another woman screamed and the humans ran for their lives. Blitzo was in the process of chocking a drinking man from behind, when he, too, stopped to look.

It was a giant black Leviathan fish monster!

The fish had large teal eyes, fins, white whiskers and dozens of blue sharp teeth. The beast let out a fierce, ear-shattering roar.

“Oooh, fish,” Moxxie grinned stupidly in his drunken haze.

Like a deadly vine, a long spiked tongue wrapped around Moxxie and pulled him toward the fish. Millie watched in horror as Moxxie was wrapped up above the large maw before the fish snapped its jaws shut.

Millie got into a fighting stance. She glanced to her left and spotted a fat man drinking and wearing sunglasses. She stabbed him with a knife and tore off a piece of his towel. With her knife in her mouth, she lit the cloth on fire over a vodka bottle, creating a Molotov cocktail. Millie tossed it toward the monster, sending the fish stumbling and crashing down into the sea.

Wasting no time, Millie swam toward the monster and cut upwards along its scaly body with her knife. Using all her strength, she pried open the monster’s mouth. Moxxie was punching the monster’s uvula, still wrapped up in the tongue.

Millie reached for him with her hand. Moxxie reached too, then gave her a high five. Millie grabbed hold of his wrist and pulled him up. She used her other hand and foot to support herself on the monster’s teeth. She pulled as hard as he could, but Moxxie wouldn’t budge.

Just when she lost her grip, she slashed her knife across the tongue, slicing a piece off. In a roar of pain, the monster spat Moxxie out. Moxxie spread out his arms, enjoying the feeling of flying. Back on the beach, a man flinched as the tongue piece landed on the ground. Moxxie landed in Blitzo’s arms. The man cheered before Blitzo shot him with a gun. Moxxie cheered drunkenly.

Back inside the monster’s mouth, Millie rapidly punched at the tongue, trying to get out. The monster roared in pain and anger, slashing around as Millie wrestled with it.

“I love that woman!” Moxxie declared.

Blitzo smirked. “Oh she totally pegs you, doesn’t she?” Indeed, Millie was dominant in the bedroom and Moxxie loved it.

Millie leapt into the air, knife aimed downward. She fell back inside the mouth…then sliced off the fish’s head from the inside. A gush of blood flowed out from the monster before it landed with a final thud into the water. Millie walked back to shore and dropped her knife, exhausted.

Blitzo and Moxxie cheered. “Oh yeah, way to show off, Mils!” Blitzo called.

“Is Mox okay?” Millie panted.

Blitzo glanced at the drunken Moxxie. “Oh yeah, he’s fine,” he casually said before dropping him onto the sand.

Millie raced over and held Moxxie in her arms.

Moxxie grinned at Millie with a doped expression. “This is funny. I’m soooo… drinky.”

Millie just smiled and hugged him.

Blitzo scowled and crossed his arms. “Okay, this is too wholesome for my liking.”

“Blitzo!” Verosika called.

“Oh perfect,” he said sarcastically. He turned around to the human-disguised gang of seducer demons. “That must be the whores!”

Verosika was flanked by four succubi and an incubi disguised as humans. “That was handled rather…obvious, don’t you think?” She grinned a smug grin.

Millie held up Verosika’s flask. “I don’t think this belonged to any of us.”

Millie tossed the flask to Verosika who caught it with one hand. She dropped it into one of the succubus’ hands.

“Would be a shame if anyone found out you guys were behind a giant monster fish in the human world,” Millie added with a grin.

Even Moxxie laughed out loud, pointing at them. “Oh Satan! You all be so fucked!”

Verosika briefly looked concerned, then sneered. “Yeah, well you three nasty ass gremlins will be in shit for not being in disguises.”

Moxxie fell to his knees and face-planted into the sand. He lifted his head up. “A human called me a possum. I am not a possum.” He face-planted again.

Blitzo stepped forward and moved Moxxie out of the way with a foot. “You know, we could keep this little B movie scene on the down low if you agree to let us use that parking space.”

Verosika, not wanting to get in trouble, relented with a sigh. “Fine.”

Blitzo raised both arms in the air. “We fucking won!”

“Fuck yeah!” Millie cheered.

“In your face, bitch!” Blitzo taunted Verosika, who scowled.

She glared at Blitzo one last time. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Tex!”

Vortex stood with Loona not too far from the empty stage. “Well, guess it’s time to bounce, but hey, if you’re ever down to party, I’ll give you a ring sometime.”

Loona smiled in excitement. “Really? I mean, Yeah. Yeah.”

“Yeah. My girlfriend throws a ton of crazy hound parties.”

“Nice. Can’t wait for my first one.”

“Let’s get you some friends, girl.”

Vortex gave her a playful punch before following Veroskia. Loona looked downcast at seeing Vortex leave and being reminded of her confrontation with Blitzo. Vortex already had a girlfriend and he wasn’t coming with her. Now she would go back to doing her usual secretary work. With Hell being “every demon for themselves,” it was hard to make true friends, especially if one was of lower class and lost in dark thoughts all the time. Loona could not deny to herself that she often felt like a lone wolf.

Millie carried Moxxie and jumped into the portal.

“Come on, Loonie tooney!” Blitzo called to her. “Let’s go back and park our fat fucking car in our fat fucking space!” He ran off into the portal.

Loona followed Blitzo and fell through the portal on her back.

Blitzo mockingly gave Verosika double middle fingers through the portal from behind her. Verosika growled in anger after noticing. She and her gang made their way up the stairs and onto the street.

A policeman yelled, “Put your hands up, you sick deviants!”

The gang huddled in fear as guns were trained on them. They were surrounded by police cars, a SWAT team, men on horses and a helicopter. A clown and a mime robot were also with the police.

Verosika sighed in defeat. “Alright, sluts, get ready to suck a lot of pig dick.”

Her gang members groaned in disgust as they raised their hands in surrender.

#helluvaboss #hazbinhotel

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cartoonfangirl1218 · 5 years

Text

Alonso’s Legen-Wait for it-Dary Dating Rules

Note: Inspired by HIMYM’s Barney Stinson’a dating rules and theories as seen in these videos. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IWQF9fuQ2pA#, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xDD5nv3Phzg&t=9s, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m9vXJ4HB2fU, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cg62TySYvk https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iKAHEZRJUUU&t=80s

Marzel and Alonso are basically my new brotop even though they have never met. Thanks to Lady B for looking this over, and @missnobodynobodius and @shasta627 for completely agreeing with me that Alonso = Barney and encouraging me to do all this.

“Ah Prince Marzel, just the man I was looking for!” A floppy-banged prince who seemed to be about his age slung his arm across the sirena prince’s shoulder, nearly jostling him off his chair.

The scene was at the palace of Paraiso, one of the most luxurious and extravagant palace Marzel had ever seen his life. In fact it was the most. The walls were ceiling to floor golden emitting bright light which unfortunately blinded him everytime he glanced to his sie. This had the embarrassing effect of him tripping more so than usual when he walked.

He had been getting pretty good with his land legs and he had improved enough to play frisbee without falling on his face but he had a feeling that the royals at this year’s retreat were not seeing that progression.

“Who are you?” Marzel made an effort to smile politely but the guy was taking up too much personal space and seemed to have forgotten his greeting in favor of admiring himself in the blindingly golden dinner plates.

“Wha-yes, I’m Prince Alonso, heir to the Royal Throne of Cordoba!” The guy declared with a flourish and paused, obviously expecting some sort of recognition or perhaps applause.

Marzel looked helplessly to the other side of the table where Elena was in deep conversation with her royal wizard, Mateo and the host of the retreat, Princess Valentina and he couldn’t see his sister anywhere.

“Hi?” Marzel gave a weak wave and grimaced at his high-pitched voice, he coughed, “I mean hello.”

“Heh, you really are new to the land, aren’t you?” Prince Alonso sniffed once seeing that Marzel had nothing else to say.

Marzel was about to react defensively to his tone but Alonso leaned toward him conspiratorially, “I see that Elena hasn’t told you about me. I don’t blame her, there are so many brilliant ways to describe me and my looks and my awesome deeds, she couldn’t think of where to begin. It doesn’t matter. Now in the past, I have been accused of being a little bit self-absorbed and just a tiny teeny bit lazy. But no more. I’m turning over a new leaf. And being a new kind of man, I am helpful!”

Marzel didn’t understand why Alonso was telling him all of this so he nodded blankly and paused again seeing that Alonso was waiting for him to say something.

“Congratulations on turning over a new leaf. That’s very...mature of you.” Alonso was still staring at him expectedly and it started to dawn on Marzel what Alonso might be waiting for, “And I’m fine. I don’t need your help. Elena has already helped me.” “Yes, I’m sure Princess Elena has helped you with basic stuff like ruling and social etiquette and blah blah blah. But she hasn’t taught you about life, has she?” Alonso raised a knowing eyebrow.

“Life? I don’t need help with life. I haven’t died yet. I think I can handle it.” Marzel brushed Alonso’s arm off his shoulder.

“You’ve fallen twelve times walking down a hallway.” Alonso pointed out, putting his arm on Marzel again.

“It’s too bright here, how can anyone see?” Marzel grumbled.

“What advice I have to offer, isn’t any advice Princess Elena or anyone else can give. It is bro advice. From now on, I pledge my support to you as a bro and a wingman as you will be mine-” “I haven’t agreed to this.” Marzel protested.

“-Do you know how to get out of a date that you don’t want to be in?” Alonso abruptly asked.

“...No?” Marzel answered. Admittedly, he had never been on a date since he had been busy with royal training and the fact that anyone who dated him had to uphold the standards fitting for sirena royalty. Though there were many fish in the sea, he hadn’t found one that fit that standard yet. But he wasn’t going to admit that.

“It’s called the Lemon Law. In Cordoba, we have a law that if someone buys an item, let’s say a lemon, from a street cart and finds that it is a rotten lemon, the person can return it. Same goes for dates. This applies this to dates. A person has five minutes within the date to decide whether it continues for the rest of the night or not.” Alonso smiled smugly at his knowledge.

“Wow, that’s- I didn’t know.” “That’s why you need me.” Alonso sipped his recently poured drink.

Marzel rubbed his neck as he thought about what Alonso was proposing. It was true that he didn’t know much about land culture beyond what his mother told him from her fragmented memories. And he knew less about girls and romance in the dating world.

He could ask Elena but it seemed that she was in the same boat as he was dating-wise, ie. no dates just the kingdom. Besides Alonso seemed to know what he was talking about and he kinda liked the idea of having a “bro” as he kept saying.

Marzel clasped hands with Alonso, “I’ll do it. Let’s be bros.”

“Yes!” Alonso crowed, “This is gonna be legen-wait for it-dary! Legendary!”

“Where are we going?” Marzel stumbled s Alonso grabbed his arm to drag him to the bar-room.

“To get you a suit. One of the most important things to attract a woman is a suit. So, let’s suit up!”

_______________________________________________________________________“Why can’t you clean the dishes? I did it yesterday.” Marisa crossed her arms stubbornly.

“Because..just because..I’m older than you!” Marzel retorted.

“That doesn’t mean anything.” Marisa rolled her eyes.

As guests and royals at the retreat, technically they didn’t have to wash the dishes. But their mother said they should take this as a chance to learn about chores on land, and reminded them that she had washed dishes when she was a human. It was about honoring their heritage which they both were sure was some sort of trick because their mom had complained about their laziness in underwater chores.

Marzel considered his words before talking again. Yesterday, after confirming their “bro-lationship” with a suit fitting and celebratory drinks, Marzel had asked Alonso for advice on his problems with dating and girls, even his sister since Alonso said arguing with girls was the same with all of them, no matter the relation.

Alonso had given him the exact argument he should use and he needed to remember how it was said.

“Hmmm sounds annoying. Chores are the worst. So menial. That’s stuff for servants to do like rookie, here.” Alonso pointed to Gabe who was on the other side of the bar with Manuel.

Gabe looked over at them and glared at the arrogant prince, “I don’t do dishes, and I’m not a rookie. I’m the captain of the guard.” “I’m sure you will be soon.” Alonso waved him off.

“I am already.” Gabe corrected, stalking up to them but Alonso ignored him in favor of continuing their conversation.

“Now here’s what I would do if I were in your position. I’d come to the room and she’d leap into my arms and we make out. Her small body leaning against mine, her lips just..”

“Dude, that’s my sister!” Marzel stared at him in horror.

“I wasn’t saying what you should. Just what I would do in that situation. If I was there, we would be getting it on. Not that I would in real life, a bro never touches another bro’s sister unless she makes the first move.” “Just continue.” Gabe hissed through clenched teeth, seeing Marzel’s eye vein throb distressingly.

“Okay fine. We eat dinner and Marisa says, “Sweetie, are you gonna wash that?” Now I say or you should say, “I’m glad you bring that up, Marisa. No, and here’s why.” She gets on my lap, “I know you don’t like a dirty sink. But does that make it my job to clean it? If one day I look up on the living room ceiling and decide I want a replica of my royal portrait up there, would it be your job to paint it?

She says, “No, of course not.”

I say, “Exactly. So darling, by the same logic, if you don’t like a sink full of dirty dishes, shouldn’t it be your job to clean it?”

Then Marisa would understand the reason behind it all, and agree, “Thank you for explaining that. I get so confused.”

“You’re kidding me.” Gabe interrupted, laughing.

Marzel understood the flaws with the argument since they were arguing over whose turn it was to help the kitchen staff, not the fact that they disliked looking at a dirty dishes. However, he was on his third glass of champagne so he had a warm, giddy feeling assuring him that if he said it right, Marisa would see reason just as Alonso said she would.

“Let me finish…” Alonso looked disdainfully at Gabe, “Once I have her attention, it’s time to bring out the big guns. “Look, Marisa I love you. But with the little energy I have after the meetings, I want to shower you with love, not wash some silly dishes.”

And Marisa says, “Oh you’re right, Alonso, you’re always right. I’ll do the dishes from now on. Right after I do this.”

So then the lights dim and she turns around and dances for me. Her butt’s firm, round…”

“Are you going to hit him or should I?” Gabe asked, but Marzel was too busy envisioning an afternoon not having to help with the dishes.

The time had come.

“Marisa, I’m not doing the dishes and here’s why.”

Marisa looked at him irritability. Staring at her, Marzel lost his train of thoughts. The next part of Alonso’s vision called for her to sit on his lap and that was just gross. He remembered that Alonso had been saying his argument had to be modified since they were siblings and now all he could think of were the disgusting phrases Alonso had used followed by the even worse image of Marisa doing them.

It had made so much sense when Alonso said it last night, what was wrong?

He manfully tried to scrape out the appropriate parts of the argument to use and came up with this,“I’m not doing the dishes and here’s why. You don’t want to dishes, but it’s like if I wanted our baby pictures on the wall..I-I-I mean ceiling. All our baby pictures and family pictures painted on this ceiling. Would you do that? No I mean, first. Let me start over. It’s not job to do the dishes because.. Um I? Dance for me. Eww no. I don’t uh-”

“HUH?” Marisa stared at him as if one half become a malandro and he sprouted three more heads. Just a face of confusion and disgust.

“I-ugh” Marzel stuttered then hung his head in defeat, “I’ll do the dishes.”

_______________________________________________________________________“Are you sure you’re reading the map correctly? Give it to me. I’m an excellent navigator, I was the first one in my team to orient us to win the scavenger hunt.” Princess Valentina sighed as she and Marzel wearily walked down the side of one of Paraiso’s lush mountain ranges.

“Here,” Marzel handed it off to her miserably.

It was midnight and what started out as innocent date led to them walking on the side of the mountain for hours, and he was pretty sure it was the same side of the mountain. They weren’t even going around it, just back and forth.

He really wished he never accepted this date.

He didn’t dislike Valentina exactly, it was just that she was too..much for him. She talked so much, usually about herself, always pointing out how Paraiso was the best, best in chocolate, best in sports, best in everything.

With all her talk about how the best she was in everything, he never would have thought she would have interest in him since he wasn’t the best in walking much less second best in subjects..behind her, of course.

But Alonso had pointed out that when she entered the bar, her eyes had went straight towards him and her eyebrow raised before she quickly flounced out followed by her guard, Manuel.

That-the eye contact and eyebrow raise-was a clear sign she was interested in him, which was only confirmed a few days later when Valentina invited him to have a talk about the personal Coronado-Paraiso treaty.

“Personal Coronado-Paraiso romance!” Alonso high-fived him when Marzel told him. Marzel didn’t want that at all. It was too late to back out of the date without potentially offending her, but thankfully, Alonso gave him advice to prevent a girl friend from becoming a girlfriend.

“You see Marzel. The rules for girls are like the rules for gremlins.” “Gremlins?” Marzel never heard of such a creature and wanted to ask but Alonso plowed ahead with his advice as usual.

“Yes, gremlins. Rule number one: Never get them wet. Aka never let them shower at your place.”

Marzel thought that eliminated almost all the sirenas but then reasoned that these rules must be specific only to mortal girls.

“Rule number two: Keep them away from sunlight. Aka don’t ever see them during the day.”

Rule number three: Never feed them after midnight. Aka she doesn’t sleep over, and you don’t have breakfast.”

“What about brunch? Is brunch cool? Marzel asked. Marisa had recently introduced him to brunch through Elena and he rather enjoyed the idea of having a snack between breakfast and lunch.

Alonso looked at him in disgust, “No. Brunch is never cool.”

In an effort to keep things platonic, Marzel requested to have the meeting at night since he never seen the moon rise in Paraiso before which Valentina eagerly grabbed on to the idea to lead up to Paraiso’s highest peak and show him the best view.

The date was not romantic in the slightest way. Valentina had kept things professional and they discussed how trade would be conducted between their two kingdoms.

Marzel had figured this platonic nature was due to the nighttime setting just as Alonso said it would and was relieved when the meeting finished at 9 without any sentimental overtones.

It was when they left that things went downhill literally. Valetina said they must have taken a wrong turn at the waterfall or somewhere because they had been walking for three hours and there was no sign of the valley or the palace and the nighttime heat was covering them like a smothering blanket. As Princess Valentina proudly told him when he said it didn’t feel cold at all up in the mountains, “Paraiso has one of the warmest climates in the Ever realm. No one suffers from hypothermia or frostbite here.” “Just potential heatstroke” Marzel thought darkly to himself as felt sweat dripping from his forehead down the bridge of his nose.

“Marzel.” Valentina panted, fruitlessly fanning herself with her hand, “Can you hand me some of the water?”

Marzel was about to hand her the water when he remembered Alonso’s rule about not getting the girl wet.

Marzel clutched the water bottle from the picnic basket she had brought, and promptly poured it all over himself, “Sorry. Sirena, you know. I need more water to compensate for being on land for so long.”

“Oh okay.” Valentina nodded understandingly which made Marzel immediately feel bad for his lie. Her hair which had been put in her usual ponytail had frizzed out and bigger thanks to the humidity and her face seemed to have gone pale from exhaustion.

They walked for what seemed like miles but must have been a few minutes when they crashed through a brush to see the palace.

“Yes!” They cried simultaneously. They would have run to their destination, but tiredness made their feet drag oh so slowly on the manicured lawns of the Paraiso palace.

“Marzel, do we have any food left in the basket?” Valentina asked weakly.

Marzel frowned, “No.” There had been a few apples left in the basket but he had thrown them out after their meeting in compliance with the third rule of making sure she didn’t eat after midnight.

He took another good look at the princess who seemed slumped, dejected and near collapse.

“You don’t look yourself, do you want me to carry you?” Marzel approached her, gently taking hold of her shoulder.

“No I can handle it” Valentina slurred and fainted onto the grass.

Adrenaline took over Marzel’s body, tiredness forgotten, he picked the princess up in a bridal carry and raced her over to the palace’s front door where Manual opened it, gasped, grabbed Valentina out of his arms and took her to the infirmary.

Marzel paced restlessly, guilt gnawing at his stomach. Who cares if she wanted a date with him? He should have let her have the food and water! It was all his fault that this happened-

The royal physician opening the door for visitors interrupted Marzel’s guilt-ridden reverie. Manual pushed Marzel out of the doorway in his rush to get to the princess.

Manual tenderly lifted Valentina’s face towards his as she slowly opened her eyes, and smiled, “Oh Manual, I’m fine. Just a little dehydration. I’m not going to die.”

“I was so worried.” Manual murmered in a choked up voice and swept her up in a deep, full kiss.

“You’re dating?” Marzel meant to only say it in his head, but it came out in an awkward squawk.

The couple turned to him, Valentina contedly resting her head in the crook of Manual’s neck.

“Yes, we don’t like to show it off in front of everyone but we are very much in love.” Valentina answered, rubbing her nose with her guard.

“She’s my shining light, and I’m her shining knight.” Manual agreed.

“I could never lay my eyes on someone else.” Valentina mused.

But she did---wait. Marzel thought back to the bar. The guards had been behind him and Alonso. She must have sent that eye contact and eyebrow to Manual.

This whole thing had truly been a Coronando-Paraiso treaty meeting. With a groan and Marzel face-palmed himself.

_______________________________________________________________________”Do it. Do it, Naked man!” Alonso cheered as he passed by Naomi’s room.

“I will. I will. Just go already.” Marzel shoved Alonso away from the door to the room.

“What pose are you doing?” Alonso called

“Just go!” Marzel yelled at him and shut the door.

Marzel was going on his first official date, where it was certain that both people knew it was a date, with Naomi who was visiting Paraiso to pick up some diplomatic scrolls and gift Valentina with the Avaloran chocolate that Elena accidentally forgot.

Though Naomi had been hesitant of him at first, particularly after how she acted the last time she saw him, but after they played olaball together and she taught him some sail knots, he asked her out.

They agreed for it to be a friendly date. Unlikely to be serious, more like two friends hanging out with potential for kisses among other things.

Alonso had been in favor for ‘the other things’ part and urged him to do ‘The Naked Man’.

At first Marzel was hesitant but another part of him was very curious as to how it would play out especially since Naomi said this date wasn’t supposed to be serious, just fun.

And from the way Alonso put it, ‘The Naked Man’ was the best way to amp fun.

It was yet another technique Alonso had explained the night they became bros.

Alonso clinked his glass against his as he explained the brilliance of the naked man on a friendly date.

“It goes like this. You’re on a first date, you’ve had a few drinks. You go up to the room, once she leaves the room. You strip naked and wait. When she comes back, she laughs and is so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you. Boom!” “No way that works.” “Two out of three times. I would not lie to you mi amigo. Two out of three times. Which is why it is important to pick your pose to display your naked man in.” And so he began to display the poses.

“There’s the Superman.

The Capitan.

The ‘Oops I didn’t see you there.’

The Thinker.

The Lounge.

The Fencer.

The Gymnast who stuck the Landing.”

He had laughed at Alonso at the time just as Gabe had when he left them, shaking his head.

But now he really was going to do it.

Naomi had gone into her guest room to find the fiddle her mom had been teaching her to play while Marzel stood outside. Now he crept in and stripped and after much deliberation chose to do the ‘Capitan’ in honor of his sea roots.

Naomi entered, “Now promise you won’t laugh. I’ve been practicaack!”

“Ta-da!” Marzel showed proudly.

Naomi gasped,her face turned red and she exploded, “Oh my GOD! What is the matter with you! Get out! I can’t believe-ugh Sirenas! GET OUT!”

Marzel looked at her in horror. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Why wasn’t she charmed and laughing?

He face burned as he realized how bad this situation was and how he appeared. He wanted to explain but he could clearly see this wasn’t the time for it and tried for desperation.

“Wait-I-my cloth..”

“OUT YOU CREEP! You sick son of-” Naomi yelled.

“Wait! My suit is very expensive...”

“I’m going to call the guard on you.” Naomi threw a pillow at him which he promptly grabbed to shield his private parts and ran as fast as he could to his room.

He slammed his door closed,highly embarrassed, Marzel sank to the ground with a groan, “Why did my first time have to be that third time out of three for ‘the naked man’ to fail?

_______________________________________________________________________“Ready?” Marzel asked his sister as they entered the bar-room where Alonso was flirting with the bartender.

“I got your back. You will be avenged.” Marisa intoned menacingly with an evil cackle.

“Don’t do the laugh.” Marzel shook his head.

“It’s my evil laugh.” Marisa pouted but did as he motioned and sasheyed toward Alonso in the slinky purple dress she borrowed from Elena.

“Hello” Marisa purred, exaggeratingly fluttering her eyelashes that made Marzel think she had something in her eye, “Wow. I have to admit, there’s nothing sexier than a man in a suit, and you..are sexier than most.”

Alonso did a double-take before he formed a slow smile, looking her over. “And I appreciate your appreciation, and” His lips curved to a wicked grin, “Your sexiness.”

Marzel saw that Marisa pursed her lips, a sure sign that she was trying to hold back a laugh. He cringed but the laugh never came. Instead she continued with their plan.

“Is your suit cashmere?” “Cashmere. No, this is handspun. The fibers are less than twelve microns thick.” Alonso scoffed and gulped as Marisa began to feel up his arms.

“Twelve microns.” Marisa gushed breathlessly, “I love a tiny fiber.”

“You’re in luck. Mine’s the tiniest.” Alonso bragged, “And the more you touch it. The softer it gets.” Marisa giggled and Marzel felt himself being jostled by the sudden appearence of Mateo, Elena, Gabe and Naomi.

“Is it happening? Is he falling for it?” Naomi asked eagerly.

Elena had come to yell at Marzel after his awful date with Naomi and he had confessed all the things that happened after he had followed Alonso’s advice. Elena had calmed down a little bit when she told them that, understanding where such a crazy idea came from and explained to him that while Alonso was trying to turn over a new leaf, he had a long way to go and was not the best role model to follow or a good advice-giver.

“I realize that, trust me.” Marzel blushed sheepishly, “I just don’t get how it all worked for him and not me. How did I mess it all up?”

“Well like I said before. It’s best to be yourself. And if it makes you feel better. I don’t think those techniques would have worked for everybody, not even him. All of that is an awful way to seduce a girl. Bragging about yourself? Just sleeping with them without thinking of their feelings or being serious? He might have been just messing with you.” Marzel shrugged, “Maybe he should see how it feels to be a failure with a woman?” Elena looked at him curiously but a mischievous glint was present in her eyes, “Aren’t you bros? Bros don’t get revenge on other bros.” “This isn’t revenge. This is just a lesson. I think I need your help.” Marzel said.

Elena had been on board with getting revenge and apparently so was the rest of Team Avalor, even Naomi after she heard from whom ‘the naked man’ originated from. Marzel originally had wanted Elena to flirt with Alonso but apparently he was aware of her relationship with Mateo, and Naomi refused to do it, citing some other incident where he tried to flirt with her.

That left Marisa to do the job even though it rankled him to see Alonso acting like a lecherous guy to his sister. Marisa, on the other hand was all too excited to play the part of evil seductress. It was a little unnerving.

“Yes, shush.” Marzel motioned for them all to duck lower behind the door and the bar as they discreetly watched the action unfold.

Marisa continued to girlishly giggle, “I was actually looking for you. But there was such traffic in the ballroom. I was at the inter-sex-tion from ballroom and the dining room and I had only a few sex-onds to get in an opening in the crowd. And then people start yelling at me to move over and it totally sex-cked, but I can’t move because a man tripped on one of the tropical bird’s sex-crement.”

Alonso was breathing heavily and gulping as he listened to Marisa’s purposefully innuendo, “G-go, go on.”

“Hmm” Marisa looked him over, and did what Marzel was assuming to be her version of a sexy pout but looked more constipated, “Let’s go my room.”

Alonso nearly tripped over his feet as he and Marisa speedwalked through the halls with the rest on their heels from a safe distance.

The door was open just a crack so they all could press their ears up against it and hear the ensuing conversation.

“Alonso, you should know.When I get into bed with a man, my body becomes a machine. Fueled by desire and lust, and a singular hunger to satisfy my lover’s every carnal need.” Marisa sighed, her voice practically oozing with moans and breathiness.

“Such a shame we all have to go home tomorrow. So let’s go like it’s the last night we’ll ever see each other.” Alonso growled.

“Yes, yes. Well, good night.” Marisa walked out the door.

“Wh-What!” Alonso came rushing out behind her, “Why are you leaving? I thought your body was going to become a machine fueled by desire, lust and a singular hunger to satisfy my every carnal need?” Alonso’s voice cracked at the end.

“Yes. But no. I don’t sleep with people who think I would dance for them after agreeing to do the dishes.” Marisa raised an eyebrow in his direction, crossing her arms with a triumphant smile.

Alonso froze dumbfounded, and soon realized he was in the presence of a small crowd, all trying their best to muffle their laughter.

“Huh-I-I I’m so confused.” Alonso muttered.

Marzel took pity on him and slapped on the back, “This is called a lesson.” “For what?” Alonso shrugged Marzel’s off of him.

“The dishes. The gremlin rule. The Naked Man.” Naomi listed.

“Oh, I-okay that was good advice.” Everyone gave him a look, “I’ll admit the results that happened to Marzel were pretty funny, but I wasn’t setting him up I swear! All of that advice was from a desire to help you. We’re bros.” Alonso protested.

Marzel smiled and grabbed Alonso in a side-hug. He sounded sincere and considering what Elena had told him of his upbringing, it may have been true that all those things worked for him. If not less so because of his looks and charm and more so for being the crown prince.

“We’re bros.” Marzel confirmed, “I’m your wingman and your mine. I am just never listening to your ridiculous rules or advice on dating ever again.”

“Not even about the Hot-Crazy Scale or the Three Day Rule? The Three Day Rule is an unofficial social rule.” Alonso insisted.

“Even that.” Marzel said and so arm in arm the two bros parted ways until the next adventure.

#elena of avalor #prince marzel #princess marisa #prince alonso #elena castillo flores #naomi turner #gabe nuñez #mateo de alva #manual #princess valentina #my fanfic #my fanfiction #alonso’s legen-Wait for it-dary rules for dating

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swanqueeneverafter · 5 years

Text

What Dreams May Come, Pt.19

Storybrooke. Night. (Captain Hook, who seemingly has not stopped drinking since the morning, staggers through Storybrooke, a bottle of rum in his hand. Rounding a corner, he bumps into Will Scarlett.) Will: (Smelling the booze:) "Bloody hell." Hook: "Ah, young William. How goes it, lad?" Will: "Better than you it'd seem, Captain." Hook: (Laughs:) "No arguments there, my boy." Will: "You're drunk, mate. Time to go home." (When Will tries to take the bottle from him, Hook shrugs away from him.) Hook: "Get off me!"(Suddenly, Hook shoves Will backwards and punches him in the face.) Will: (Now lying on the ground, holding the bottle in one hand and his bloody nose in the other:) "What the hell, mate?" (Realising what he’s done, Hook staggers away into the night.) Henry's Dreamscape. Kingsley's Bed Chamber. (Henry and King Richard finally enter Kingsley's room.) Henry & Richard: ♪ We're off on a secret mission ♪ King Richard: ♪ To finally kill my sib ♪ Henry & Richard: ♪ And now that we're in his bedroom ♪ (Henry raises his sword over his head, ready to strike.) King Richard: “Hey, before we do this thing, I just want to say thanks for tonight. I really needed to get out.” Henry: “Shh. Just focus! You want to kill him in the head, or do you want to kill him in the neck?” King Richard: “Right. Here we go. Hey! Oh, and promise me you're not gonna say anything to anyone about that thing I said.” Henry: “What thing?” King Richard: “About me being a virgin.” Kingsley: (From behind a curtain:) “I think we've heard enough.” King Richard: “Oh, no.”

Kingsley: (Laughing:) “Oh! (Approaches along with several guards, and Gareth:) My dear, little, Dicky brother, untouched by war and women.” King Richard: (As the guards laugh:) “I mean, what I meant was virgin slayer.” (More laughter.) Kingsley: “You're doomed. Throw lover boy in a dungeon.” King Richard: “So mean.” Kingsley: (Taking the crown from Richard’s head:) “Oh, and you won't be needing this.” King Richard: (Gasps:) “My crown! He stole my crown.” Gareth: “Keep your chin up. Don't let them see you cry. Never let them see you cry.” (Richard is led away by guards.) Kingsley: “Gareth, I assume you like women. If you fight for me, I will give you land, a title, and as many women as you desire. What's your type?” Gareth: (Shrugging:) “Either really fat or really skinny, nothing in between.” Kingsley: “I'll give you fat and skinny.” Gareth: “I'll get back to you.” (He leaves.) Kingsley: (Placing the crown on his head:) “Awesome.” Enchanted Forest. Xanax's Laboratory. (Waving his wand around, Xanax chuckles as Hook sways on his feet watching the movements of his hand.) Xanax: "You have got to be the drunkest person I've had in here." Hook: (Suddenly grabbing Xanax's wrist:) "Drunk or not, I am Captain Hook. The greatest pirate who ever set sail, capable of very dark deeds. (Releasing him:) Now, I need to lie low for awhile." Xanax: "Lie down more like." Toad: "Ribbit." Hook: "Enough! Send me to a place where I can do no more harm to others, (Looking down at his reddened hand:) or myself." Xanax: "Just drink the potion and let yourself succumb to the motion of the ocean, my pirate friend." (Hook picks up the bubbling bowl in front of him, and drinks.)

Storybrooke. Sheriff's Department. (Emma is filing her last few reports while Regina places some personal items into a box.) Regina: "You sure you want to take all this stuff? You weren't fired, after all." Emma: "Oh you know how I am. I like to have everything within reach. If I'm gonna be gone for a few months, I don't want to have to keep coming back here every five minutes." Regina: (Smiles:) "Pack rat." Emma: (Smirks:) "No, I just like to be prepared. For anything." Lily: (From her desk:) "Yeah, well prepare to be kicked out of here in five minutes, cause I gotta get home." Emma: "Hey, I can-" Lily: "No, it's the Sheriff's job to close up every night. Lead by example, remember?" Emma: (Shaking her head, to Regina:) "Did you manage to remove the cloaking spell?" Regina: "Yes. Storybrooke's view of the neighboring realms has been restored. Although first thing in the morning I'll need your help tripling the protection spell around the town's borders." Lily: "Sounds like a fun way to spend your first day of freedom. Tick tock." Emma: (Sighs, to Regina:) "Just let me file these and we'll be out of here.” (Regina nods, then makes her way out of Emma's office. Passing Lily's desk, she pauses.) Regina: "Please thank Elsa again for hosting the ball. It was a magical night." Lily: "Yeah, my girl really went all out for it. Shame you two had to leave so early." Regina: (Confused:) "We didn't. I got a little light headed and needed some air, so I decided to show Emma around the palace. Away from the music and bright lights." Lily: "Hm. (Opening her desk drawer:) Are you sure that's all you showed her? (Placing a brown leather cuff on her desk. Enjoying Regina's shock, folds her arms and leans back in her chair:) You know, when I dusted my desk for prints to find out who had messed with it, I didn't find any." Regina: "N-no?" Lily: "Nope. (Reaching for another drawer:) Although I did find these bunched up on the floor by one of the cells." (Using her pen, Lily lifts out a pair of skimpy red underwear.) Emma: (Snatching them:) "O-kay. I'm ready. (Throws the panties into the box:) Let's go." Lily: (Smiling, very pleased with herself:) "Night, ladies. (As Emma and Regina hurry for the exit:) Hey, do you think it’s too early to ask the new Mayor for a raise?” (Chuckling to herself, Lily puts her feet up on her desk, tossing the leather cuff into the air before catching it.)

Hook's Dreamscape. (Hook awakens, laying on the floor of a darkened room. Pushing himself to his feet, Hook looks around confused until, starting at his ankles, the Darkness envelops him. As Hook screams, the Darkness makes him relive his worst memories.) Enchanted Forest. The Jolly Roger. Past. (Screaming, Hook is forced to watch as Milah's heart is crushed.) Hook: "Milah!" (Then, visions of Rumplestiltskin cutting of Hook's hand.) Hook: "You're no less a coward." Rumplestiltskin: "I want you to suffer." Storybrooke. Past. Apprentice's Mansion. Exterior. (Mr. Gold, taking Killian's heart while he is bound to the gate of the mansion, unable to save Emma, who unwittingly may get sucked into the Sorcerer's hat.) Hook: "Just do it." (Mr. Gold, beginning to crush Killian's heart in order to use the Sorcerer's hat.) Mr. Gold: "I promised you we'd have some fun first." Vault Of The Dark One. (Emerging from the vault, much like Emma did, Hook stands dressed in robes.) Darkness: (Waving:) “Hi.” Hook: (Lowering his hood:) “Bloody Crocodile.” Darkness: “Not exactly, but I understand the confusion.” (Hook yells and lunges at Rumplestiltskin.) Darkness: (Disappearing and reappearing behind Hook:) “That's not gonna work. I'm not out here. (Points to his head:) I'm in there. I am your guide... the voice in your head.” Hook: “Save your speech. I know who you are. But it doesn't matter, I won't listen to you.” Darkness: “What if I told you that together, I could get you the one thing you've wanted for hundreds of years? Your revenge. (Giggles:) That's right. I saw what you saw, dearie. I saw your pain. And I can ease it. Stick with me and you will finally do what you never could before.” Hook: “And what's that?” Darkness: “Why, kill me, of course.” Hook: (Hears music playing:) "Wait a minute. What is that?" Darkness: (Giggles:) "I believe that's your cue, dearie." (Hook frowns, and then...) Hook: ♪ I've savaged and pillaged and pilfered each village ♪ ♪ My conquests I'm justly proud of ♪ ♪ Each town that I plunder I leave torn asunder ♪ ♪ A pirate's life is one to love ♪ ♪ And yet, my heart's hardened as hard as a rock ♪ ♪ Won't rest till I've skinned me a Croc ♪ ♪ Sing a yo ho, you can beg, plead, and whine ♪ ♪ But yo ho, you are wasting your time ♪ ♪ That Croc got my hand, want to tear out his spine ♪ ♪ Revenge, revenge, revenge is gonna be mine ♪ ♪ Some say let it go ♪ ♪ But I say hell, no ♪ (Glancing back at the Darkness:) ♪ I'm finally on the right path ♪ ♪ Soon the Dark One will feel ♪ ♪ The fire of this pirate's wrath ♪ ♪ Sing a yo ho I'll slaughter the swine ♪ ♪ Yo ho, Must be fate's design ♪ ♪ At last our tales will again intertwine ♪ ♪ Revenge, revenge, revenge is gonna be mine ♪ ♪ Revenge, revenge - Oh, it's gonna be ♪ ♪ Oh, it's gonna be mine! ♪

Henry's Dreamscape. Kingdom of Valencia. Dungeons. (Gareth escorts Richard to his own cell as the guards bring in Henry.) Richard: “It was so rude! Who does that to my favorite crown? Did you know that? I got it for my birthday!" Ella: (As Henry is brought in:) "Henry." Henry: "Ella, you're so pretty." (Henry promptly collapses onto a pile of hay.) King Richard: "I failed in my mission, Gareth, and now it's our last night before we have to duel to the death. Come on, let's sing Pearl's song together, for old times' sake.” Gareth: “Shut up. I've told you your whole life to grow a pair, and you just won't listen, and now you're gonna die for it. Even though I'm the one who's gonna kill you, it's not my fault! It's not my fault! I warned you!” (Gareth leaves, locking the cell door behind him.) King Richard: “I know you did, my friend. (Begins to sing, regardless:) ♪ Lay by my side and we'll sail away ♪ ♪ Off to the shores of another day ♪ ♪ All set to go once I hear you say ♪ ♪ ‘Good night, my friend, until the morning’ ♪ (Richard’s singing carries up into Madelena’s bed chamber who is sandwiched between two possible ‘candidates’:) ♪ Up we will float as we close our eyes ♪ ♪ Stars all around us, like fireflies ♪ (The King’s singing can be heard in the tavern, pausing a fight in progress as they listen to him:) ♪ Just me and you, drifting through the skies ♪ ♪ Good night, my friend ♪ ♪ Not a thought ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Not a care ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Resting safe and sound ♪ ♪ With each other there ♪ (Richard’s singing brings comfort to the other prisoners, but is keeping Gareth awake, making him feel very guilty indeed:) ♪ And so we'll rock on our nighttime ride ♪ ♪ Cozy and warm on the rolling tide ♪ ♪ Till we arrive on the morning side ♪ ♪ At journey's end ♪ (Ella lays a blanket over Henry and places her head on his shoulder to sleep beside him:) ♪ Good night ♪ ♪ Sleep tight ♪ ♪ We're gonna be all right ♪ ♪ Good night, my friend ♪ Storybrooke. Swan-Mills House. (Meanwhile, also tucked up in bed together, Regina and Emma read from ‘Dr. Spock’s Common Sense Book Of Baby & Child Care’. Chuckling as Regina points out all of the ‘errors’ in the book, Emma leans up and kisses her wife on the cheek before settling her head on her shoulder once more.)

Hook’s Dreamscape. Storybrooke. Mr. Gold's Shop. (Hook stands before the Gold’s as they take in what he’s just told them.) Belle: “You- You’re the Dark One?” Mr. Gold: “And now you've come for your revenge.” Hook: “The thought had crossed my mind. You see, believe it or not, in the real world we’ve actually made up. Pretty good friends actually nowadays. But, for my purposes in this dream world, I’m gonna go ahead and take my long sought after revenge anyway. So, (Holding up his hook:) for this lovely piece of hardware, I think I'll take your hand. For Milah, your heart. For everything else you put me through... hmm, I think your head will do quite nicely.” Mr. Gold: “So what are you waiting for? Get on with it.” Hook: “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. I've been waiting centuries for this moment. And I really want to... (Breathes deeply:) savor it. (Hook takes a sword from a shelf and slides it across the floor to Mr. Gold:) Get your affairs in order, dearie, for we duel at noon on my ship. Where it all began.” Mr. Gold: “How poetic. But we both know this weapon cannot kill you.” Hook: “Ah, true. That sword can't kill me. But this one... (Holds up a familiar sword:) can.” Mr. Gold: “Excalibur.” Belle: “You have it.” Hook: “Aye. As the Dark One, this is the only thing that can kill me. All you have to do is take it from me. So, what say you, Crocodile? Shall we finish what we started?” Mr. Gold: “Indeed.”

#sq #swanqueen #swan queen

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dixbolik-lovers · 6 years

Text

in the den of monsters, pray

Admin Mawile: Aaaand the introduction is done! (๑´ㅂ`๑) I still sort of feel like I’m making a mistake by starting another fic, but ya’ll seem excited! I’m definitely having fun writing this, thus far! As established, this the beginning of a much longer Sub Au fic!

My main note for this part is that, unlike my usual, I had to give the reader a specified gender. It was tripping up the writing to try to make it completely neutral, unfortunately. Reader is female in this fic, but is otherwise left as vague as I can manage~

The intro here is pretty short (only a little under 3000 words), but I’m hoping further chapters will be better! I’ll be starting on someone’s route next, so please vote on whose I should choose, if you haven’t already.

As always, questions and comments are very appreciated! <3

Fic below the cut!!

The taxi drives for what feels like hours.

Little by little, you get farther and farther from civilization. Sitting in a dark car, fabric seats soft underneath you, you can’t help but feel like you’re headed somewhere terrible. It doesn’t help that you can’t see the driver.

There’s a smell of something in the air that you imagine is blood, thick and metallic, organic and somehow wrong. Your stomach churns.

You’d been sent away for reasons that you didn’t know. Your best friend’s parents had tried to ship her off to somewhere unknown, and when you saw the poor girl broken down, sobbing in terror of the unknown, you’d stepped in. Volunteering to take a younger girl’s place, who-knows-where, probably wasn’t the best idea, but you were not going to sit and watch.

The look of fear in your friend’s eyes would haunt you for years. You never would have been able to live with yourself if you hadn’t stepped in, if you’d allowed someone you loved to be sent away so easily.

So you’d forced your way into her place. Her parents had looked at you like you were crazy. You’d set your jaw and refused to back down.

The taxi had arrived the next morning, windows dark.

After a long ride, you were more nervous than ever, but steeling yourself not to show it. Wherever you were going, you could only imagine that it would hurt you to show fear.

You’ve passed forests and towns, slowly getting smaller and smaller the longer you drive. It feels like you’re heading to the middle of nowhere, and you can only imagine what’s waiting for you in the end. You think of who could be here instead, and know that it’s better that it’s you.

Finally, the taxi comes to a stop. There’s a mansion outside, one that you’ve seen slowly approaching for a while now. It’s huge, dark walls towering above you like a fortress. It’s larger than any house you’ve ever seen, sprawling out to both sides, and you swallow heavily. You can’t imagine what sort of people live in a place so ornate.

But you step out of the taxi. You gather your things. You drag your suitcase up to the front steps as the car pulls away behind you.

You’re stranded now, you think, and almost laugh.

There’s a faint smell of roses in the air, you note, mixed with something dark and unfamiliar. A cool breeze wraps around you, and you shiver. It’s beautiful here, in away that feels almost unreal.

A knock to the door yields no response, and you stand outside for a few long moments, waiting for someone to answer. You’re positive that this is where you’re supposed to be, and you wonder if whoever brought you here is simply toying with you, seeing how you’re going to react.

As if in defiance, you push the door open yourself and step inside. You’re afraid, yes, but if you’re going to meet a horrible end here, it’ll at least be in a way that you can be proud of. You’re not going to cower.

The inside of the mansion is dark, and the air itself feels thick around you. There’s rich furniture everywhere you look, and the air smells dark and musty, like no one has lived there in decades. Somehow, there’s no dust to be found, and that sends a little spike of worry through you.

Someone is definitely here.

It only takes a few moments of wandering around to find an empty sitting room. Making a split-second decision, you roll your suitcase up to one chair and plop down in it. You’ll sit there until someone shows up.

There’s no point in aimlessly searching through a mansion ten times the size of any house you’ve ever been in for any signs of life.

If someone is there, they’ll find you soon enough.

In a few minutes, the creepy atmosphere of the mansion progresses to downright intimidating. It’s quiet, eerily so, with only a few ominous creaks and odd noises to break up the emptiness. You feel like telling yourself that it’s just the house settling, and almost laugh. You’re starting to sound like this is some kind of horror movie. For all you know, it is.

You close your eyes and think of your friend, sobbing and afraid. You have a reason to be here, and you’re not going to back down.

The chair under you is softer than anything you’ve felt. It feels rich in an almost unnatural way, like nothing you’ve ever touched. What kind of people live here? What kind of people have such nice things?

When you open your eyes, it’s to someone behind you.

You know without turning around that there’s someone there. You feel suddenly, abruptly watched, and your stomach sinks hard. The person appeared so suddenly, with no sound, and you can’t imagine anything human being able to move like that. Instead of panicking, though, you take a deep breath and force yourself to be calm, to stand up and turn around.

The man behind you is tall and slender. His dark hair falls in soft waves, and glasses barely conceal sharp eyes. He’s wearing a nice suit, and his posture is so straight it would make a ruler look crooked.

He’s frowning, a stern expression etched across his handsome face.

“How odd. I had expected our guest would be younger,” he says, low voice smooth and polite, with a hint of something sharp lurking in his tone.

You stand up straight and meet his eye, refusing to show the nerves you feel. “If your ‘guest’ is who I’m thinking of, I took her place. It was a last minute change,” you say, and your voice is thankfully even.

“Ah,” the man says, looking at you with cold eyes. “I see. So you’re not who we were planning for. Would you please tell me who you are?”

You introduce yourself, stating only your name. The man replies that he is Sakamaki Reiji, the second son of the household that you’ve been sent to stay in, and you don’t miss the carefully concealed disdain in his voice.

He tells you to gather your things, that he’ll have someone lead you to your room, that this situation will be dealt with later. Your hand goes white-knuckled around the handle of your suitcase. Reiji’s eyes are brighter than they should be, sharper, and you don’t like it.

Just as you’re about to follow him, though, a hand lands on your shoulder. You suppress a startled jerk only barely, and turn around.

It’s another young man, this time with wavy, auburn hair, a wicked smile on his lips, and a hat falling forward over his eyes. He’s leaning in close to you, uncomfortably so, and his hand is tight in your shoulder.

“Hmm? So this is who’s been sent to us?” he asks, tone mocking and light. “What a pretty face. . . but such a cold expression. How about you smile a little bit, Bitch-chan? You’d look cuter if you did~”

Whatever uncertainty you’d had drops like a stone. He’s making fun of you, you can tell, and it’s only a vague feeling of dread that keeps you from biting back something cruel. There’s a dark aura about this boy, something you can feel in the air, and you don’t want to press at something dangerous.

Instead, you turn around, intending to follow Reiji to your room.

. . . and come face to face with another one of them.

This time it’s a small boy, all soft cheeks and impossibly wide eyes. He’s clutching a toy to his chest, and is dressed like a child.

You take a step back, startled, and the boy smiles like he’s a cat eyeing a bird with a broken wing. “Teddy. . . We have someone new to play with,” he mumbles, squeezing the bear to his chest. “We’ll have to break her properly, won’t we? Won’t that be oh-so fun?”

It’s not a good sign. The boy seems unhinged, and you don’t like the predatory gaze he’s eyeing you with. It’s downright impressive that a person so small could be so intimidating, but you don’t want to find out why.

“Shut up! The new prey is mine,” a third voice chimes in, and you spin around to see yet another of them waiting for you.

This boy has a face like the auburn-haired one, but a cocky expression and blood red hair. He grabs you by the shoulders, pulls you towards him like it’s nothing, and leans in much too close for comfort.

“Yuck, she’s old,” he whines, making a sour expression. “Smells good, though. I wonder what you’re gonna taste like,” he laughs. “I bet you’re sweeter than you look. . . but there’s one way to find out.” He leans in so close you can feel his breath on your neck, and you barely resist struggling.

Somehow, you feel like fighting back would be a death sentence.

“Ayato, if you must persist with such behavior, do it in privacy, please,” Reiji interrupts, and the redhead freezes in place.

You think, for a moment, that he’s going to do something to you anyway, but instead, he pulls away with a glare, scoffing angrily. One of the others snickers, sounding amused. You force down something like terror.

Despite all instincts saying otherwise, you hold still. You already have a feeling that fighting back will just get you in more trouble. You hold yourself tall, breathing even, and doing everything possible to stay calm. Whatever happens, it won’t help you in the slightest if you panic.

“Impressive,” a new voice says, and you feel a headache coming on. How many of these boys are there? “She’s staying pretty calm.”

Reiji stiffens immediately, you note, making a face like he’s eaten something rotten. The other three are still circling you, eyeing you with what’s worryingly close to predatory intent.

There’s a blonde man stretched out on a couch a short ways away. You’re positive that he wasn’t there a moment ago.

Something is starting to feel increasingly wrong.

“What?” the blonde says, letting his eyes slip shut. “This is my home too, Reiji. I can say what I want to.” His tone is bitter and slow.

“Perhaps, but you can also know when to keep your mouth shut,” Reiji replies cooly, and you can already see that there is some hatred between them, some rivalry. Reiji did mention that he was the second son.

Another couple lines are exchanged, the boys’ voices going low with barely disguised anger. The redhead gives a bitter little laugh from behind you, and the small one clutches his toy close to his chest. You’re starting to get a headache from keeping track of all of them, and in almost the exact moment you think that, a sixth voice joins the argument.

“What the hell is all the noise for?” an even younger boy snaps from across the room. His hair is dove white, and he looks strong, even though you can see a youth in his features that betrays his age.

“We’re deciding what to do with our little guest here~,” the auburn haired one says, and gives you a little shove. He’s stronger than he looks.

“Yeah, and Reiji’s being boring about it,” the redhead adds, crossing his arms in a childish motion and leering at you with sharp eyes.

“Perhaps Subaru wanted a taste,” the small one murmurs, a note of something mocking in his voice. “Perhaps he thinks he’ll win her over by being her knight in shining armor. What do you think, Teddy?

The strong boy’s fist splits the wood of the nearby staircase.

It takes considerable effort not to react outwardly. You’ve already figured out that letting anything slip is a bad idea around these boys, but that, that simply wasn’t human.

The pieces fall together quickly in your head. A massive mansion in the middle of nowhere. Six beautiful young men who look at you like they want to swallow you whole. A boy strong enough to crush solid wood like it was paper. The mysterious circumstances under which you were sent to the mansion to begin with, the utter lack of information on it all.

You weren’t among humans anymore.

Somehow, though, that eased some of your fear. Humans who could act like this were one thing. Monsters stuffed into pretty skins were another.

You would at least know what to expect from the monsters.

So you stood still, allowed the boys to keep bickering. Their vicious comments flew over your head easily now that you knew the truth, their too bright eyes on you no longer giving you the same chills.

Somehow, you had the feeling that they wouldn’t kill you. If they’d wanted to, it would have been easier to do it from the start, after all.

If they’d wanted you dead, you wouldn’t still be standing.

Your fear was fading fast, replaced with a sense of resignation and mild interest. If you were the sort of person who would volunteer to be sent somewhere like this in the first place, you could withstand what happened.

After a few moments, the arguments died down. Their eyes fixed on you one by one, a strange atmosphere filling the room.

“. . . she’s not afraid anymore,” Ayato, as you’d picked out that his name was, said. His pretty green eyes stared at you like you’d grown a second head. He shifted position a bit, almost defensive.

“Teddy, why isn’t she more worried? Doesn’t she know that we’re going to hurt her,” the small one, Kanato said with a low voice.

All you saw was an empty threat, a boy trying to frighten what he saw as below him. He probably would hurt you. That didn’t mean you were going to give him the satisfaction of seeing you shake before him.

There was suddenly a great imbalance in the room. Now that you were calm, now that you were looking carefully, you could see the obvious discord between the brothers. Now that you were calm, you could see all of them eyeing you with something like curiosity mixed with uncertainty.

You imagined that few people hadn’t cowered from them.

“I think it’s time our guest is shown to her room.” Reiji broke the silence, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

He went through a quick introduction of who was who, and you nodded along, already having caught onto everyone’s names. The boys were still staring, some cold unreadable feeling thick in their eyes.

You were just about to follow Reiji to where you would be staying when Laito said something, sing-song voice filled with threat.

“Bitch-chan is awfully relaxed for being stuck in a house of vampires,”

You could see in his eyes that he was expecting you to panic.

Instead, you looked him dead in the eye, smiling politely. ��Ah, so that’s what you are. Thank you for telling me; I’ll know what to expect, now.” You knew better than to fight, but you weren’t going to be afraid.

For just an instant, you see a flash of something furious in Laito’s eyes. Instead of scaring you, it shows you that he can feel.

Already, you’re getting an impression of what these boys are like. They fight amongst each other, every one of them puffed up with ego. Like any teenage boys, they’re immature and selfish, but with supernatural abilities, they think that they hold some special place in the world. You can expect them to be cruel, you think, you can expect pain.

When you think of someone you love being in your place, you don’t wish for a second that you wouldn’t have chosen this path.

It’s easy to follow Reiji, easier yet to catch the way he’s glaring at you. He leads you through a series of hallways with no words, and you stand tall with every step. The mansion doesn’t scare you anymore.

Your room is pink and pretty, something clearly intended for a girl much younger than yourself. That alone makes you almost angry.

The idea of someone small and frightened being locked up here with the monsters makes you wish you could get away with punching one of them in the face. They have no right to prey on those who can’t fight back.

Instead, you put your things away, and sit down on the bed.

It’s soft beneath you, and you run your fingers over the silky blankets. Your stay here is sure to be an experience. You may never leave.

That thought doesn’t scare you nearly as much as is probably should.

#Diabolik Lovers #Dialovers #Sakamaki Shuu #Sakamaki Reiji #Sakamaki Ayato #Sakamaki Kanato #Sakamaki Laito #Sakamaki Subaru #Sub Au #Fic

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verdigrisprowl · 5 years

Text

Dec 24 Dancitron Movie Night - Gotham s2 e4-6

Primus showed up and made things snow. There was general consternation. Primus assured them that the snow wasn’t acidic.

Prowl only vaguely liked that the new police chief in the show was fighting corruption, but he was doing it so badly and introducing so many new bad aspects to the police that he couldn’t really support them.

Soundwave finally let Prowl help clean after the show.

Today NoodlesAtNight 7:31 pm ((A note - I don't know how many will be around tonight, we'll see what's what by 8)) SCProwl 7:31 pm ((k SpecsTheSpectralDragon 7:32 pm ((tbh I'm not sure how long I'll be around either)) ((it's kinda up in the air rn- the Family Obligations might call me away) NoodlesAtNight 7:32 pm ((perfectly understandable)) NoodlesAtNight 7:34 pm *For the moment, Soundwave will be poking around arranging things. He's got the usual array of snacks and drinks out, and is draped across his couch. That's right, he's doing all of this by feeler.* SCProwl 7:43 pm *arrives early for a change* NoodlesAtNight 7:43 pm [[Nothing to do at the police station?]] Angorumoa 7:44 pm [*bleps at the group then goes to let the doggo out*] NoodlesAtNight 7:44 pm ((blep! hi doggo)) SCProwl 7:45 pm I was able to finish my datawork a little earlier. We've finally gotten our system up and running. Angorumoa 7:46 pm [Oh geeze. SNOW OUTSIDE. Okay I may need to shovel it off the porch before I figure out who joins. A good two inches have built up. Maybe three.] Boomtank 7:46 pm ((HAH SCProwl 7:46 pm ((nice NoodlesAtNight 7:46 pm ((snooooow i'm so jealous. good luck))

*Soundwave tilts his helm.* [[Bevel making herself useful, is she?]] Angorumoa 7:47 pm [And YOU, aubade, wee need to see Bumblebee some monday] Boomtank 7:47 pm ((Like when I'm not recovering from mushing my car? Angorumoa 7:47 pm [Yes. THE ONE TIME YOU DON'T HAVE CAFFINE] Boomtank 7:47 pm ((yeah, that was....embarrassing Boomtank 7:48 pm ((hopefully it's still in theaters by the time I get my car fixed verdigrisprowl 7:48 pm *arrives* SCProwl 7:48 pm Well, she's prone to listening to music in at least one audial but she organizes data more efficiently than any police filing clerk I've ever seen. verdigrisprowl 7:49 pm *efficient data organization?* Who are we talking about? Boomtank 7:49 pm -And Blaster is just...going to drop into a seat- SCProwl 7:49 pm Bevel. NoodlesAtNight 7:49 pm [[You say that as though you disapprove.]] *He, obviously, does not.*

[[Ah. And your alternate has arrived.]] *Pings Prowl hello and nods to Blaster. Good evening, there.* verdigrisprowl 7:49 pm Ah. Really? Huh. Boomtank 7:50 pm -tired wave back. Hello.- SpecsTheSpectralDragon 7:50 pm *the dragon shows up- her cast is /finally/ off, praise the goddess! she's brought snacks for Soundwave, and she can put them where they belong!* Hello, Soundwave, everyone! NoodlesAtNight 7:50 pm [[Greetings, dragon. Ah - no medical equipment? Healed at last?]] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 7:52 pm All bones are back to where they belong! *the dragon extends her wing out fully to show off* I should try and be careful with it, but I'm cleared to fly short distances and everything! verdigrisprowl 7:52 pm *... where were the bones last time* NoodlesAtNight 7:52 pm *Soundwave dutifully admires the healed wing while fetching a hot drink for Blaster with a feeler. Poor mech always looks like he's about to perish on the spot.* Boomtank 7:53 pm -he's dealing with stubborn neutrals that think they know more than they actually do- NoodlesAtNight 7:54 pm *That's a good question. Somewhere else in the wing he supposes.* verdigrisprowl 7:54 pm *ain't that just how neutrals are.* Angorumoa 7:55 pm [doggo in and snow shovelled] NoodlesAtNight 7:56 pm ((yay! wb)) SpecsTheSpectralDragon 7:56 pm *they were broken in half, so trying to escape out the membrane. aka, not where they needed to be.* Boomtank 7:56 pm -Yep. If it would not be bad form, he'd call them out on it- Angorumoa 7:56 pm [Half tempted to go HEY LET IT SNOW ON CYBERTRON] Boomtank 7:56 pm -well, more than he already did today- ((SNOW)) verdigrisprowl 7:56 pm ((that'd be awful for the natural landscape)) Angorumoa 7:57 pm [shhhh it'd be fine SCProwl 7:57 pm *nods to alternate and finds her seat while she thinks how to word a reply to Soundwave's comment* I don't disapprove. It doesn't distract her from what she's doing and I also perform a number of tasks simultaneously. Mine just don't tend to result in outbursts of singing. NoodlesAtNight 7:57 pm ((soundwave will huddled indoors under 20 tarps and hiss at the windows)) Boomtank 7:58 pm -still going to take the drink and give Soundwave a tired smile- Thanks. Angorumoa 7:58 pm [He'll have to wear an ugly sweater] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 7:58 pm ((the dragon will show up with her rebreather and roll around outside the windows)) verdigrisprowl 7:58 pm ((oh no)) ((poor soundwave)) ((i guess)) ((he'll just)) Angorumoa 7:58 pm [Prowl gets one too] verdigrisprowl 7:58 pm ((have to cuddle with prowl)) ((for warmth)) SpecsTheSpectralDragon 7:58 pm ((ohohohoho)) Angorumoa 7:58 pm [Everyone gets ugly sweaters NoodlesAtNight 7:58 pm ((oh no how terrible. how will he ever stop laughing at the ugly sweater)) SCProwl 7:59 pm ((Prowl wouldn't mind a very mild acidic snowfall as she'd totally collect some to add to her acid collection Boomtank 7:59 pm ((Primus, don't do that. Angorumoa 7:59 pm [ouo [*going to do it* NoodlesAtNight 7:59 pm ((prowl just gobbling snow "thanks for the weaponry refill god" )) SpecsTheSpectralDragon 7:59 pm ((...oh, right. cybertronian precipitation is acidic)) Boomtank 7:59 pm ((do not SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:00 pm ((the dragon maybe... should not roll in that.)) Angorumoa 8:00 pm [*GUNNA DO IT* SCProwl 8:00 pm ((yeah that'd be bad Boomtank 8:00 pm ((and yes, unless we want dragon soup SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:00 pm ((no dragon soop for you)) Boomtank 8:00 pm ((BAD PRIMUS NoodlesAtNight 8:00 pm ((OKAY there is actually enough of a crowd tonight for us to progress thru s2 so i don't need to switch to an xmas cartoon. thankfully, because i have already watched so many aha)) Angorumoa 8:00 pm [christmassss] Boomtank 8:01 pm ((oh right, feck, that's tomorrow Angorumoa 8:01 pm *Totally debatable snow outside and ugly sweaters for everyone. Totally debatable whether reality or not.* SCProwl 8:01 pm ((tho explaining it ic would be funny "uh, it's the only signal I could get from earth aside from some very annoying speech by a very orange man Boomtank 8:01 pm ((HAH ((yes SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:02 pm ((boo, no orange man)) ((he's bad)) Boomtank 8:02 pm (('humans can come in that color?' NoodlesAtNight 8:02 pm ((we won't have the orange man here tonight. or any night. all right, warnings: GOTHAM S2 4-6 // Violence, blood, death, police militarization (trust me, it won't work out), poor depictions of mental illnesses, foul language. Alfred being a dick to Selina, Nice Guy Nygma, Butch's brainwashing, 'family' abuse, a loose eye, severed limbs, charred humans, prison comments I thhhink are in bad taste.)) ((but also more tabitha so like it evens out.)) verdigrisprowl 8:03 pm ((i choose to believe that all transformers continuities take place in universes where someone mildly more tolerable was elected SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:03 pm ((it's what we deserve)) Boomtank 8:03 pm ((yes Angorumoa 8:03 pm [I know noooothing about Gotham, so ey, all the confusion on my end. Also it may or may not be snowing outside with suddenly ugly sweaters on robots] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:03 pm ((does the dragon get a sweater)) Angorumoa 8:03 pm [of course] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:04 pm ((fuck yeah)) Boomtank 8:04 pm ((GDI PRIMUS Angorumoa 8:04 pm [with proper wing openings] SCProwl 8:04 pm ((TF timelines are the good timeline? verdigrisprowl 8:04 pm ((well, depending on the timeline, the decepticons MIGHT kill billions of people, so, yknow)) ((*weighing scales gesture*)) SCProwl 8:04 pm ((fair point SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:05 pm ((yeah but megatron does a hit and run on the orange man and kills him instantly so)) ((also soundwave steals all of jeff bezos' assets)) NoodlesAtNight 8:05 pm ((basically what you need to know is: bruce is a baby, he's trying to find out who killed his parents, penguin's a boss, and a new arrival in town is trying to get revenge for his family's erasure in history by installing himself in a position of power. nygma's slowly sliding into riddler land and there's something shady going down at wayne enterprises. there you go!)) SCProwl 8:05 pm ((that's why Soundwave's so rich Angorumoa 8:06 pm [Stuff! I may debatable mute and watch my= dog wtf are you doing out there] SCProwl 8:06 pm Oh, we're watching this again? Boomtank 8:06 pm ((ooooi NoodlesAtNight 8:06 pm ((soundwave just sells his rations of rare metals he doesn't like and makes his money that way)) [[Yes. The story continues.]] SCProwl 8:07 pm May I have a visual? Angorumoa 8:07 pm *distant nooting outside* verdigrisprowl 8:07 pm *pings video* NoodlesAtNight 8:07 pm [[Of course. One mom-- those blasted flobsters are back.]] verdigrisprowl 8:07 pm Got it. NoodlesAtNight 8:07 pm [[Ravage! Ravage, if you please.]] =On it.=- SCProwl 8:07 pm *accepts with a grateful ping* NoodlesAtNight 8:07 pm [[Ah, thank you.]] verdigrisprowl 8:08 pm *... leans on soundwave* Boomtank 8:08 pm -tucking legs under him at nooting- NoodlesAtNight 8:08 pm *Lean! Good. Comfortable.* SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:08 pm *the dragon clambers up onto the arm of the couch to hang out with Soundwave, if that's okay. she'd hunt flobsters, but...* SCProwl 8:08 pm I suppose that's one way to get attention. NoodlesAtNight 8:08 pm *She is absolutely welcome up there.* [[Do not worry. We will not allow any flobsters inside. Nobody will be electrocuted tonight.]] verdigrisprowl 8:08 pm *...... caaaaasually laces hands around Soundwave's arm.* NoodlesAtNight 8:09 pm *Caaaaaasually settles a hand on those hands. Ahh.* Angorumoa 8:09 pm *Ravage can get a nice lobster snack outdoors. And possibly get a ride on back inside cause Primus just strolls in like a god does.* NoodlesAtNight 8:09 pm [[He hopes someone doesn't have to pay for that chair.]] Boomtank 8:09 pm I'd appreciate them remaining outside verdigrisprowl 8:09 pm Taxpayers. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:09 pm If they sneak in, I'll fight them. *flobsters would probably be quite a fight for a fox-sized dragon.* NoodlesAtNight 8:10 pm *Ravage will 100% ride on Primus. He likes to feel tall.* [[Oh, he likes this one.]] SCProwl 8:10 pm Agreed. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:11 pm *Ravage is supremely valid* verdigrisprowl 8:12 pm ... I'm... skeptical of the long-term efficacy of this approach. Angorumoa 8:13 pm *Ravage can chill out up on his shoulders then. And get a scritch if he's feeling it while Primus may need to duck to actually get inside. For reasons he's a tad taller than usual. And just way late on, like, /everything/ else.* NoodlesAtNight 8:13 pm ((frick is it skipping/blanking)) verdigrisprowl 8:13 pm It's the correct thing to do but I don't think that's the correct way to achieve it. verdigrisprowl 8:14 pm ((it's fine here)) NoodlesAtNight 8:14 pm [[What are the flaws in his approach?]] *Curious.* verdigrisprowl 8:14 pm And I'm a /little/ bit skeptical of anyone who talks about bringing back respect for law and order. NoodlesAtNight 8:16 pm [[Elaborate?]] *That is not something he expected a cop to say. He'd like to know why - not that he disagrees.* verdigrisprowl 8:16 pm For one thing, he only fired a small fraction of the corrupt cops. The rest are now on their toes and ready to team up against someone who threatens their way of life. NoodlesAtNight 8:18 pm [[Covering for one another, or harming him? Both?]] verdigrisprowl 8:18 pm Both. Boomtank 8:18 pm -just going to curl up in the seat now, listening more to the room than the show- SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:18 pm And once again, Penguin showing off his weakness comes to bite him. NoodlesAtNight 8:19 pm [[He really should have sent her somewhere safe.]] verdigrisprowl 8:19 pm And in my experience, when I've met enforcers who talk about making the civilians respect them, they're USUALLY not talking about becoming more respectable. Oh look, he's already talking about murdering suspects. What a surprise. SCProwl 8:19 pm I changed my mind. NoodlesAtNight 8:19 pm [[And he no longer likes this human.]] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:19 pm I'm not sure if safe is "far away" or "at his side at all times," really. Neither one seems to appeal. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:20 pm *bares fangs* Bite his throat out. NoodlesAtNight 8:20 pm [[Far away. She can't be hurt if no one can locate her.]] [[For Primus' sake. War does not make a fantastic police officer.]] Angorumoa 8:21 pm *Primus put a warm blanket around Blaster's shoulders. Give him something to hold onto while he listened to the few mechs, and one dragon, gathered on the eve.* SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:21 pm War makes horrors and nightmares. NoodlesAtNight 8:22 pm [[...He apologizes for cursing.]] *To Primus.* [[Agreed, dragon.]] verdigrisprowl 8:22 pm His hard stance against corruption is the only thing going for him. Boomtank 8:22 pm -ooooh, blanket, don't mind as he hides in it now- Thanks SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:22 pm *the dragon looks over, sees Primus, and just about jumps out of her fur* ... verdigrisprowl 8:22 pm Wh—? *glances for who Soundwave's apologizing to.* Oh. Hi. verdigrisprowl 8:23 pm So. All angry, half of them out for revenge. Angorumoa 8:23 pm *Casual shrug to Soundwave. By far not the worse he's heard. Gives Blaster a little rub on the helm then looks over at the others.* Amusing that only now you realize I'm here. SCProwl 8:23 pm They should be addressing the rampant poverty in this city, not preparing a military squad to murder criminals. verdigrisprowl 8:24 pm You don't— Newbs don't join strike forces! NoodlesAtNight 8:24 pm [[He dreams himself a warlord. Hmph.]]

[[And he knew you were here. Ravage informed him. Thank you for your presence.]] SCProwl 8:24 pm Your officers. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:24 pm *the dragon sniffs the air curiously. smells like Primus.* ...Hi. verdigrisprowl 8:24 pm "What do we have to l—"?! You have LIVES to lose! Theirs AND those of the people they're going to be pointing guns at! Angorumoa 8:25 pm Hello. You know it is snowing? NoodlesAtNight 8:25 pm [[It -- /what?/ ]] SCProwl 8:25 pm It's--what? SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:25 pm *that gets the dragon's interest* Snow?! SCProwl 8:25 pm No! Boomtank 8:25 pm -hums and settles- You tend to do that thing where you....what SCProwl 8:25 pm Do not go outside. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:25 pm Is it acid snow? Can I play in it? NoodlesAtNight 8:25 pm *Twists to look through the doors.* [[...He'll pencil in a repaint.]] Angorumoa 8:25 pm No. Yes. NoodlesAtNight 8:25 pm [[No! Do not play in it!]] verdigrisprowl 8:25 pm *glances at the door before remembering his alternate and turning back to the screen.* Boomtank 8:26 pm Primus. Primus why? SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:26 pm *wait. Primus said yes. Soundwave said no. confusion.* NoodlesAtNight 8:26 pm *Already inching closer to Prowl.*

[[He's going to have to replace the doors again too.]] *Long-suffering vent. Oh well. At least Buzzsaw makes good use of the glass scraps.* Angorumoa 8:27 pm *Shrugs.* I had a bit... excess power that needed an outlet. It is only limited to about... thirty feet in a circle outside. Boomtank 8:27 pm Primus that was a bad idea. verdigrisprowl 8:27 pm Did it have to be a circle that's populated? SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:28 pm ...Docent! Don't hit a hatchling! verdigrisprowl 8:28 pm She murdered someone. NoodlesAtNight 8:28 pm [[Who was going to have them murdered first.]] SCProwl 8:28 pm *Prowl's vents stutter at the mention of Primus* Angorumoa 8:29 pm No one was around other than a flobster that Ravage ate. Not going to do any harm to the area. verdigrisprowl 8:29 pm ... She /murdered/ someone. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:29 pm So he's going to sock a hatchling in the face? That doesn't teach her anything but not to trust him. verdigrisprowl 8:30 pm I don't think a punch is too harsh for a murderer. Angorumoa 8:30 pm [we lost a noodle] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:30 pm ((oh shit soundwave's gone)) ((ANARCHY)) ((set the chat on fire)) NoodlesAtNight 8:30 pm ((trying to make my screen stop dying sorry)) Boomtank 8:30 pm Primus, what about this area? We're kinda in it? Aren't we? SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:30 pm ((valid)) SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:31 pm *guh. the riddling human disappoints her.* verdigrisprowl 8:31 pm And why spend that energy on snow instead of... making more energon? Angorumoa 8:31 pm I said thirty /feet/, not miles. It isn't a massive area. The dragon go roll around in the snow if she wishes to. Not going to cause harm to her nor the landscape. NoodlesAtNight 8:32 pm [[...If it isn't acidic, then very well.]] verdigrisprowl 8:32 pm That's gonna rust. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:32 pm *excuse the dragon as she /zooms/ out the door. SNOW TIME.* NoodlesAtNight 8:33 pm [[We will scrub it in the morning. The dragon has been injured for weeks. He would see her enjoy herself.]] Angorumoa 8:33 pm You know energon in most cases is my /blood/? And no it wont. It is on a self recycling loop. Not actually touching the ground. verdigrisprowl 8:33 pm You know that energon is ALL our blood? NoodlesAtNight 8:34 pm ((i'm gonna restart computer, brb - scp has remote)) SCProwl 8:34 pm I'm going outside. If you don't mind, I'll keep the video connection, Captain? verdigrisprowl 8:34 pm Go ahead. It won't be disorienting? Boomtank 8:35 pm -finishes drink and kinda hides under the blanket now- SCProwl 8:35 pm Better than-- *remembers the last time she didn't fall into everyone's deluded belief that this person is Primus* --i'll be fine. I need air. verdigrisprowl 8:35 pm Very well. Angorumoa 8:35 pm *Chin stroke.* I do, Prowl. I also remember the time I was shedding energon as a naga... Those were very early and interesting days when the Grays were more active. SCProwl 8:36 pm *stands up and leaves* Angorumoa 8:36 pm [Those were very weird but fun days. M!A everywhere.] verdigrisprowl 8:37 pm A "naga"? SCProwl 8:38 pm *ducks out into the snow and immediately starts scanning what's already fallen for acidity* Angorumoa 8:38 pm A naga is a hybrid of a snake and a human, somewhat. From the chest up is the humanoid and the bottom is a long snake of varying description. [Unrelated: STUPIDCRICKETSINMYEARS] SCProwl 8:38 pm ((Zsasz~~~ SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:38 pm *the dragon is rolling around and kicking snow into the air* Angorumoa 8:38 pm [Tinnitus I think is goddamn horrible] verdigrisprowl 8:39 pm Sorry, snake and a "human"? You mean, from the chest up, it looks like, uh...... /us/? Boomtank 8:39 pm Grayfaces got to you too? Angorumoa 8:40 pm *The snow outside was just that, snow. 'Fluffy' frozen water that melted when it warmed. It melted faster while the dragon rolled about in it.*

Ah, yes. Sorry. It was one of the many hybrid designs that were going around. Less popular than the mer. verdigrisprowl 8:40 pm Well, there's one new rookie down. verdigrisprowl 8:41 pm *gives him a quick funny look for comparing the anatomy to aliens instead of, like, themselves; but then back to the movie.* SCProwl 8:41 pm *low acidity, then. so her paint won't get ruined then, that's fine. uses her hand to guide her to a good place to lean against the wall* You're missing the show. Angorumoa 8:42 pm *Shrug. They shared the bipedal shape with humans and certain other species that were like that. It was a common design that was semi-efficient. Having free front forelimbs was a very good thing for a species.* NoodlesAtNight 8:42 pm *Soundwave startles back to awareness. Had to reassure the minicon complex that the snow was expected and not dangerous.* Boomtank 8:42 pm -don't mind as he gets up to trot outside to see the snow, blanket trailing behind him- SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:43 pm *the dragon mrrps, looking over at Not-VerdigrisProwl Prowl* It's nice to see snow here. There's plenty of it at home, but... verdigrisprowl 8:43 pm She shouldn't be there. He's a mass of stitched-together red flags. NoodlesAtNight 8:43 pm [[No, she shouldn't. She should have left when she got up.]] NoodlesAtNight 8:44 pm *Somewhat worried now.* SCProwl 8:45 pm Is it acidic on your planet as well? *tenses slightly at Blaster walking back out, recognizing him by the sounds he's making* It's low-acidity, Blaster. Angorumoa 8:45 pm *Might end up transforming the snow into a proper resource at the end of the night since he had been putting his energy into it. It wouldn't just be a 'pretty' waste.* Boomtank 8:45 pm Oh. Nice. Hi. Sorry if I startled you. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:46 pm It's not as acidic as normal Cybertronian rain. It's more or less the typical pH of pure water. verdigrisprowl 8:46 pm ... He could at least tell Gym why he's doing it. Maybe not who's got the hostage, but. SCProwl 8:46 pm It's fine. Water can be quite acidic to some species actually. NoodlesAtNight 8:47 pm *Notices most everyone has gone outside.*

*.........Settles up right proper against Prowl. Maybe a tiny shoulder nip. Not like anyone but Primus is watching anyway* verdigrisprowl 8:48 pm *if he weren't on camera duty, he'd return it as a kiss.* NoodlesAtNight 8:48 pm *The thought is appreciated*

[[...He can understand the Penguin's rage, in a way. He does not have a mother, but - well. He has others.]] Boomtank 8:49 pm -flops more than sits on ground- I mean, the dragon isn't in pain, so... Angorumoa 8:49 pm *Even then is only half paying attention. Prowl and Soundwave were cute. A good pair they made for helping each other and more. Don't mind his grin. Thinking to himself while keeping track of the outside conversation.* NoodlesAtNight 8:50 pm [[And Theo plays a dangerous game. Penguin /did/ erase all the competition in a year.]] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:50 pm Right, it can be. I forget, sometimes. verdigrisprowl 8:51 pm *taps Soundwave's arm* Just so you're forewarned, if someone ever takes you hostage, I'm continuing with business as usual and taking it on faith that you can extract yourself. SCProwl 8:51 pm What's your planet like? It's organic, yes? SCProwl 8:52 pm *would appreciate alternate not kissing Soundwave if she knew about it* NoodlesAtNight 8:53 pm *Glances over.* [[He accepts this warning and the inherent compliment. Though he does hope that you will mind any messages he sends if - for some rare reason - he cannot get out on his own.]] *Pause.* [[Would you like him to react similarly, or...?]] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:53 pm Yes, it is. It's rather different, really. It was very weird to see stars for the first time- I come from a pocket dimension, as they're called, so there's been only the one solar system for my entire life. It's a cold planet, so more snow than rain. But we make it work. We got to the moon! And built a space elevator and satellites to facilitate transit. SCProwl 8:55 pm A pocket dimension. Your universe has a reachable stopping point? Is that how you were able to access other universes? verdigrisprowl 8:55 pm Depends on what I have to do to get you out. I'm not interested in being blackmailed. NoodlesAtNight 8:56 pm [[Why would he blackmail you?]] verdigrisprowl 8:56 pm No, whoever has you hostage. Presumably, if you're being kept hostage and I'm being told and you can't get out, it's because they're trying to use you to get something out of me. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:56 pm Ah... I mean, technically, it might? I haven't found it yet. What happened was that an alternate of the Soundwave hosting us was accidentally sent to my dimension- which was a very cruel thing to do, because there were defense systems emplaced that could well have killed him, and there's no energon there. SCProwl 8:56 pm *huffs in annoyance at Galavan's acting* Boomtank 8:57 pm -curious blink at the other Prowl- Something happen? NoodlesAtNight 8:57 pm [[Ah. Well, you needn't kill anyone. Should it come to that, his deployers would take care of that part.]] [[Preferably his captor.]] *Huff.* SCProwl 8:57 pm Galavan asked for Gordon to support his campaign for mayor. verdigrisprowl 8:58 pm Preferably. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 8:58 pm Galvan is going to reap what he sows. Boomtank 8:58 pm ....huh? Oh, the show. Yeah, that's kinda ranging in on stupid Angorumoa 8:59 pm *Small grin.* Guess I should stay hands off if something serious were to happen to either of you? Let you work out your own fates. *Shh. Small butting in.* NoodlesAtNight 8:59 pm *Glance over.* [[Well. He wouldn't say no to divine interference. He'd be a fool if he did.]] verdigrisprowl 9:00 pm Oh, well, if you're offering. Angorumoa 9:00 pm *Laughs.* SCProwl 9:00 pm It's interesting that so many of the universes that have found their way to others has been by accident or space bridge malfunctions. NoodlesAtNight 9:01 pm [[What can he say? We are on the pragmatic side.]] SCProwl 9:01 pm Blaster, how did you find your way into another universe the first time? NoodlesAtNight 9:02 pm [[Hm. Frenzy would like that one.]] Boomtank 9:02 pm ...stupidity. SCProwl 9:02 pm Intentional stupidity or accidental? verdigrisprowl 9:02 pm Mm. They kicked her friend. Serena's gonna kill them. Boomtank 9:02 pm Accidental Angorumoa 9:03 pm Even with the excuse of 'divine intervention,' not many would believe it. *Chuckles.* Casually nudging things to go the right way rather than just uplifting from danger. NoodlesAtNight 9:03 pm [[The napalm one, mind. Not the kicker.]]

[[And he would not complain if she did.]] Boomtank 9:04 pm I stumbled through a rift, and luckily found my way home...and then....had help developing a way to do so safely NoodlesAtNight 9:04 pm [[Many things are drastically changed by a casual nudge. He would not -- where does he find a warehouse like /that/?]] verdigrisprowl 9:04 pm Believe, shmelieve. Anyone who wants to improve the odds is welcome to. SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:04 pm Ah, I said accidentally. He was intended to be bridged to a dead universe. My universe isn't dead. verdigrisprowl 9:04 pm ((this looks like it could be a location in borderlands.)) SCProwl 9:04 pm *Prowl knows where one used to be* NoodlesAtNight 9:04 pm ((i had so hoped you would think so too)) SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:04 pm It was an attempted murder, I should have said. NoodlesAtNight 9:05 pm *Minor startle* verdigrisprowl 9:05 pm ((friendly home depot style supermarket with friendly speaker announcements full of weapons and explosives)) *snorts at the explosion.* NoodlesAtNight 9:06 pm *Lips draw back.* [[What are they /eating./ ]] verdigrisprowl 9:06 pm They called it fun dew. Angorumoa 9:06 pm *Grins then shakes his helm.* I am a god of favoritism, but such happens. Can't be there every moment for everyone. *Troublesome. Very much so. Anyway!

Rolls his shoulders.* Hmm. NoodlesAtNight 9:06 pm [[It doesn't look fun. It looks... melted.]] NoodlesAtNight 9:07 pm [[Which is why he so appreciates all the moments you have been. Thank you.]] NoodlesAtNight quietly hugs brigit)) 9:08 pm verdigrisprowl 9:08 pm Some melted things are good. Have you tried warm gallium? SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:08 pm ((d'aw)) Angorumoa 9:09 pm *Dips his helm.* Things that feel so small, but had such a big impact to where we are now. Such as you being my temporary vassal of transference. SCProwl 9:09 pm I've never been told how Soundwave and Ratchet stumbled onto another universe. It happened while they were on Earth during the war. verdigrisprowl 9:10 pm Being what a what now? NoodlesAtNight 9:10 pm [[Not in a long time. Is it that good? The gallium.]]

*Soundwave looks over to Primus.* [[Whenever it is needed, sir. He will not mind.]] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:10 pm But they all got out okay, yes? The one I met... It would have been very bad if he hadn't been able to get help. Even though he only had the one deployer, his fuel supplies started low. I'm glad I could help him build the bridge, but I wish I knew what happened to him. He scrambled everything after he left, and I've never found him. NoodlesAtNight 9:10 pm *And because Soundwave can hear things through the bugs outside:* @SCP: [[Shockwave's fault. Another space bridge incident.]] SCProwl 9:11 pm *eugh eye* verdigrisprowl 9:12 pm I like it. Better in mixes, but I'll take it by itself in shots too. Angorumoa 9:12 pm Preferably I won't need to call on you for something so extreme again. SCProwl 9:12 pm *not even surprised Soundwave can hear the conversation outside* @SW: [[Of course it was.]] NoodlesAtNight 9:13 pm *Considers this.* [[He thinks there is some behind the bar. He will try it tonight after the others have left?]]

[[And preferably not - he'd like to think he does a better job of protecting you than that - but should it be necessary.]] [[Hm. At least she still cares about her own health. That will help her survive their mistreatement until she can get assistance.]] Angorumoa 9:14 pm And I may of used the wrong word, but, it was close. *Looks at Prowl beside Soundwave.* It isn't exactly a story many know of. It is... quite old. A reason Soundwave has, well... *Glances at the slender mech. Prowl does know about the shard?* NoodlesAtNight 9:14 pm [[...Though not as much as if she stopped burning things.]] *Soundwave nods. Yes he does.* verdigrisprowl 9:15 pm *without looking, reaches over to point toward Soundwave's chest questioningly.* NoodlesAtNight 9:16 pm ((i love edwige's hair)) SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:16 pm ((it's so floofy)) Angorumoa 9:18 pm *Nods.* The short of the story, since there is no one beyond us listening, is that I owe Soundwave much. He acted as the conduit, close enough, for me to temporarily reside in all my essence and power into a globe of Cybertron. I was... nearly dead at that time. As you can see, I am very much alive with my power contained in a proper body.

*Chuckles.* Why I do believe Soundwave thought he was a /thief/ for a long while because a piece was left behind. Angorumoa 9:19 pm [story years old that my lazy ass never completed but is canon fhskdjf] verdigrisprowl 9:19 pm He certainly told ME he was a thief. SCProwl 9:19 pm The multiverse does have its benefits. Boomtank 9:20 pm -snorts- Benefits. Right. Angorumoa 9:20 pm *Looks at Soundwave in amusement.* Better to be thought of as a thief, hrm~? SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:20 pm I like being able to see stars. They were terrifying at first... But I like them, now. verdigrisprowl 9:20 pm I'm beginning to get the impression he blames himself for a great many sins he never committed. NoodlesAtNight 9:21 pm *Vents. They're ganging up on him now.* SCProwl 9:21 pm When Bevel returned to Cybertron she brought everything she learned about other universes. Millions of different universes. Finding the Soundwave you helped would not be an easy task. NoodlesAtNight 9:21 pm [[He has committed enough of them.]] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:22 pm Goddess, no, I know that. And I'm not sure he intended to be found. If that's the case, I never will. verdigrisprowl 9:23 pm *clutches a little tighter to Soundwave* Angorumoa 9:23 pm *Walks over and around. Grinning, he leaned carefully on the back of it. Leans his helm down to give Soundwave a gentle connection. You know he teases out of love.* verdigrisprowl 9:23 pm *it's hard enough when Butch is on the screen when they AREN'T actively forcing him to do things he doesn't want to.* *or talking about his conditioning.* NoodlesAtNight 9:24 pm *Holds tight. It's all right. You're here and nobody will touch you.* @P: [[Ravage tells him things will get better soon.]] NoodlesAtNight 9:25 pm *Soundwave lifts a feeler to gently pat Primus on the helm. He knows. If he didn't know, he would have a very different reaction.* [[Don't stand there, put him out.]] verdigrisprowl 9:25 pm @S «Appreciated.» SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:26 pm ((dying on fire does not a great cop make)) Angorumoa 9:26 pm *Hums. The air around them warming gently in an appreciative, safe, air.* Boomtank 9:27 pm ((ah fuck SCProwl 9:28 pm *yeah, that'll end well for Gordon* verdigrisprowl 9:29 pm I feel like there are probably less unpleasant ways to prove that the knife is sharp. NoodlesAtNight 9:29 pm [[Slice a paper. A cloth. Anything else.]] SCProwl 9:30 pm *shifts slightly to run one pede through the snow building up round her* Boomtank 9:30 pm -should maybe head inside? Or not? Hmn...- verdigrisprowl 9:32 pm ... Is... *squints at the back* Is he just. Strangling back there. SCProwl 9:32 pm *not the worst idea for a removed limb* NoodlesAtNight 9:32 pm [[He is.]] [[Or trying not to.]] NoodlesAtNight 9:33 pm [[That's an innovative way to go about it. Ratbat never mentioned it.]] verdigrisprowl 9:34 pm I also feel like there are easier ways to get councilmen's support that don't leave them able to say later on when they're feeling slightly safer that they were put on a stool with a noose. Gym's completely out of line. He SHOULD be reported and his strike team is right to call him out and report him. NoodlesAtNight 9:35 pm [[Oh, there are. A potential slip, he hopes.]]

[[And he hopes they do report him.]] NoodlesAtNight 9:36 pm *Bristle. He's pretty sure he knows what this is supposed to be. Does not approve.* [[Do not bother waiting. Burn the lot.]] verdigrisprowl 9:37 pm Don't burn the lot. There are imprisoned slaves inside the lot. NoodlesAtNight 9:37 pm [[Burn the lot after freeing them.]] verdigrisprowl 9:38 pm Maybe they shouldn't be showing their faces. NoodlesAtNight 9:38 pm [[Stop showing off and aim it lower-- oh, for Primus' sake. Wasted opportunity.]] NoodlesAtNight 9:39 pm ((capn barnes is so mad he broke netflix)) Boomtank 9:39 pm ((yup SCProwl 9:39 pm *well at least she can agree with Barnes about some things* verdigrisprowl 9:39 pm All right, the captain gets a point. Gym definitely deserves that note in his file. NoodlesAtNight 9:39 pm [[IT IS NOT WAR.]] verdigrisprowl 9:39 pm And immediately loses it for calling this a war. verdigrisprowl 9:40 pm There ARE gray areas. That doesn't make it acceptable to wander into the shadows just because you're mad and feel like taking it out on someone's chassis. NoodlesAtNight 9:41 pm *Hmm. A good move. Soundwave huffs at Bruce's tactic. He used to like that one himself.* Angorumoa 9:41 pm [*dying* mind if I drop an image here I think all of you could appreciate? or would it mess up the log, puff?] Boomtank 9:41 pm ..... -okay, inside he goes- verdigrisprowl 9:42 pm ((wouldn't mess up my log, just put the link in parentheses so that it actually saves.)) NoodlesAtNight 9:42 pm ((i'm interested in seeing)) [[Welcome back, Blaster. Enjoy the horrible, cold, wet, sticking snow?]] verdigrisprowl 9:42 pm ((parentheses or whatever else)) Angorumoa 9:42 pm [lesse if it works] [ https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/413443912884158464/526939670857252874/fa8.png?width=417&height=468 ] NoodlesAtNight snorts)) 9:42 pm Boomtank 9:43 pm ((hehe verdigrisprowl 9:43 pm ((yeup)) Boomtank 9:43 pm -shakes out blanket- Kinda? It was new, so there's that SCProwl 9:43 pm *admirable defense tactics from the newbuild* NoodlesAtNight 9:43 pm [[You've never encountered it before?]] SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:43 pm *the dragon is going to roll in this snow for as long as it lasts* NoodlesAtNight 9:44 pm *He can see Harvey doesn't like the Strike Force either. Sensible human.* [[/Run./]] SCProwl 9:44 pm *will remain out here until the being claiming to be Primus leaves or the show is over, whichever happens first* verdigrisprowl 9:44 pm *at least they obey the rules.* NoodlesAtNight 9:44 pm [[Oh, what a move - impressive, that.]] Boomtank 9:45 pm Not really...I've never been to Earth long enough. NoodlesAtNight 9:45 pm [[Perhaps you should go sneak about a while. He is told this is a good time of year for horrific mounds of snow in different parts of the planet.]] SCProwl 9:45 pm *almost sorry to hear Blaster go back inside, but it's fine* NoodlesAtNight 9:45 pm [[It will also be a good time in another six months, but we are not six months from now.]] Angorumoa 9:46 pm *The snow will last until the movie night ends. Then it'll be turned into something else. Maybe mercury or another liquid for energy. Except if Prowl wants to take some. It'll keep snowing in a jar. /not-magic/* Boomtank 9:46 pm I'd...rather not. Boomtank 9:47 pm Snow is...new, yes, but I'd rather not deal with it again SpecsTheSpectralDragon 9:47 pm ((okay, I've got to sneak off. dragon is having snow party time. night all!)) Angorumoa 9:48 pm [night, have a good christmas!] NoodlesAtNight 9:48 pm ((fun fact: the character bridgit is, is traditionally a guy in the comics. recently they took her from the show and put her in as them. *wiggles* )) SCProwl 9:48 pm *she might take a small sample, it's rare the precipitation on Cybertron has so little acidity* Boomtank 9:48 pm ((g'night! NoodlesAtNight 9:48 pm ((night dragon!!)) [[Pity he didn't blow his hand off.]] SCProwl 9:48 pm ((Bridgit <3 verdigrisprowl 9:49 pm (("put her in as them"? what, like, changed the original dude's pronouns to they/them, or took out the dude and put in the girl instead, or?)) NoodlesAtNight 9:50 pm ((like she made her own appearance as that particular villain - there have been multiple with the name and she's the latest)) [[Not undeserved.]] verdigrisprowl 9:50 pm ((ah)) Boomtank 9:51 pm ............... -hiding in the blanket- NoodlesAtNight 9:51 pm *Carefully pulls it up higher over Blaster's head.* Angorumoa 9:51 pm [GOOD GOING] Boomtank 9:52 pm -muffled 'Thank you' from under it- Angorumoa 9:52 pm [*coughcough* speaking of bbq, boom, you did eat today right? NoodlesAtNight 9:52 pm ((oh my god)) verdigrisprowl 9:52 pm ((hey cro did YOU eat today)) NoodlesAtNight 9:52 pm ((i did! twice)) verdigrisprowl 9:53 pm ((good)) Boomtank 9:53 pm ((leftovers ((but yes I had at least one meal Angorumoa 9:53 pm [we're 50/50 or 30/70 adults capable verdigrisprowl 9:53 pm *squeezes a little tighter. are they going to help him? undo the brainwashing?* Boomtank 9:53 pm ((yup! NoodlesAtNight 9:54 pm *Pets the hand and nods.* verdigrisprowl 9:54 pm *is fine with him getting attacked strangled as long as it's going to set him free.* NoodlesAtNight 9:55 pm [[Fool. If he doesn't keep it, you will be out a valuable source of information. Learn to bend when it is important.]] NoodlesAtNight 9:56 pm [[Besides - imagine all she knows about the other jobs they pulled. She could give closure to many cases and identify many who hired them.]] Angorumoa 9:56 pm [Aaaaaaaaaaah! I don't visit my email or facebook vert often, but my friend, my "twin" as we joked in school, just got engaged.] NoodlesAtNight 9:56 pm ((congrats to them!!)) verdigrisprowl 9:58 pm ... That's a hell of a thing to say to an orphan. NoodlesAtNight 9:58 pm [[Yes. Rather insensitive.]] verdigrisprowl 9:58 pm ((look at bruce.)) ((he's six.)) NoodlesAtNight 9:59 pm [[...He wouldn't.]] verdigrisprowl 9:59 pm ... He might. Boomtank 10:00 pm -still hiding, and not thinking of changing it any time soon- SCProwl 10:00 pm *this is going to end badly and Prowl isn't looking forward to it* NoodlesAtNight 10:00 pm [[Oh, good, she went back.]] NoodlesAtNight 10:01 pm [[She does their jobs for them and they arrest her. Hmph.]] verdigrisprowl 10:02 pm She HAS committed several murders at this point. NoodlesAtNight 10:03 pm [[The world is better off for her having done so.]] *Pause.* [[...But he realizes that is illegal. Still. She did not deserve that.]] Boomtank 10:03 pm -very glad he's hiding, he heard that- verdigrisprowl 10:05 pm Mm? The world has several more murders in it. It's good that they were stopped. But. Boomtank 10:06 pm That's not going to help.... NoodlesAtNight 10:07 pm [[There, you see. You've lost her.]] verdigrisprowl 10:07 pm To be fair, she... pretty unambiguously set herself on fire. NoodlesAtNight 10:07 pm [[There were other ways to go to her.]] NoodlesAtNight 10:08 pm [[And she roasted the vehicle. The rest was an a-- oh no.]] NoodlesAtNight 10:09 pm *...Personally, he would be thankful to someone who saved him from a partner like that. But he can see how someone else would be disturbed by it.* verdigrisprowl 10:10 pm He's got a hand around her neck. I'd say he's exactly the man she thinks he is. NoodlesAtNight 10:11 pm *Shakes his head. Poor Kristen.* verdigrisprowl 10:11 pm Do CPR, you idiot. NoodlesAtNight 10:11 pm [[Will that help her? He thought it was for humans who had drowned.]] verdigrisprowl 10:11 pm You had her neck for, what, about ten seconds? It takes about, oh, thirty to actually kill one. It's not too late for CPR. It gets air moving again when the air's stopped. Works for drowning, strangulation, suffocation... NoodlesAtNight 10:12 pm [[Then he has killed her twice. She deserved better.]] NoodlesAtNight 10:13 pm [[...Hm.]] Boomtank 10:14 pm -is it over?- NoodlesAtNight 10:14 pm *It is indeed over. Soundwave gently taps Blaster on the arm through the blanket.* Boomtank 10:15 pm -peers out at Soundwave-....I really don't like fire... NoodlesAtNight 10:15 pm [[Oh? He did not know that. Would you prefer to be informed of large fires in the future?]] Boomtank 10:15 pm If that's not too much trouble... NoodlesAtNight 10:15 pm [[It is not.]] SCProwl 10:16 pm *ah it's over. pings Soundwave, Blaster, and her alternate goodnight and ends the video feed* Boomtank 10:16 pm Then, yes please. verdigrisprowl 10:16 pm *returns ping* Angorumoa 10:16 pm [*made self sad*] [*but happy for them* SCProwl 10:16 pm ((ngl but she sounds like she wants to fuck the grinch verdigrisprowl 10:17 pm ((she does)) Boomtank 10:17 pm -returns the ping- NoodlesAtNight 10:17 pm *Bobs head at SCProwl. Goodnight. Do not fall into any drifts on the way out.* Boomtank 10:17 pm ((juuuuust a lil verdigrisprowl 10:17 pm ((you're a mean one mr grinch as sung by that one lady in the jim carrey version)) verdigrisprowl 10:18 pm *ah, his eyes are his own again* SCProwl 10:18 pm ((accurate, puff NoodlesAtNight 10:18 pm ((why are you sad??? @primus-mun)) Angorumoa 10:18 pm [Cause I decided to stay on Facebook to remove some people, mostly ponies, and saw my old boyfriend.] Boomtank 10:19 pm ((ouch NoodlesAtNight 10:19 pm ((oof)) SCProwl 10:19 pm *definitely won't, though her tires do skid a little before she gets them fully beneath her and takes off back to Praxus* Angorumoa 10:19 pm [Yeah, I'm the one who broke it off too btw. So long ago... And seems he is now happily married. With by seeming to check on other things, appeas to have a babbeh Boomtank 10:19 pm ((holy shit Angorumoa 10:20 pm [I knew him, like, so flipping long ago. He looks exactly the same.] NoodlesAtNight 10:20 pm *Soundwave closes his optics and lets himself float off to the music. The dancing is nice, but he wants to picture something other than fleshlings dancing to that.* verdigrisprowl 10:21 pm *checks to ensure that no one is looking specifically in his direction at this exact moment in time.* Boomtank 10:21 pm -still, he got a blanket out of this, so he's good- verdigrisprowl 10:21 pm *coast clear for .5 seconds? smooch.* Angorumoa 10:21 pm [I'm happy for him to be a happy. He's a great guy. I just couldn't move onto things he wanted, so... whee I'm gunna faceplant on discord now] NoodlesAtNight 10:22 pm *Startle! ... Quick smooch back. Maybe a little biolight pulse.*

((i'm so sorry. i hope this sadness passes for you and that your year to come brings you things you want)) Angorumoa 10:22 pm *You know he's right there?* verdigrisprowl 10:23 pm *yeah but he wasn't looking AT them at that precise moment in time.* Angorumoa 10:23 pm [Sad pang, but as I said, I'm happy that he's happy with a wifu.] Boomtank 10:23 pm -going to dump the blanket over Primus' helm- NoodlesAtNight 10:23 pm *Please. Prowl accused you of being his dom once. That overrides any possible awkwardness over a small smooch.* verdigrisprowl 10:23 pm *it was a /metaphor/* *and a /good/ metaphor* Angorumoa 10:23 pm *Internal cackle. Has a blanket now. How dare.* Boomtank 10:25 pm -and then just...kinda drape on him.- Home now? NoodlesAtNight 10:25 pm @P: [[Been sitting on that?]] verdigrisprowl 10:25 pm @S «Since you bit my shoulder.» Angorumoa 10:25 pm Yeah, you have to get back home safely, Blaster. NoodlesAtNight 10:25 pm *Turn to stare.* [[Your patience is legendary.]]

*Glance to the others.* [[He can arrange a bridge, if safety is a concern.]] Boomtank 10:26 pm Hey. I'm not that bad.... verdigrisprowl 10:26 pm @S «It wasn't that long.» Angorumoa 10:26 pm *Chuckle.* Boomtank 10:27 pm It malfunctioned /once/ NoodlesAtNight 10:27 pm @P: [[You say that, and yet he remembers you staring at the ceiling like it had done something terrible to you and waiting to run upstairs with him the night he needed to speak to Primus. Tonight, he had no idea.]] Boomtank 10:28 pm ...okay, so that time nearly got me killed, but it was only once. verdigrisprowl 10:28 pm *AHEM* @S «... That delay was unanticipated.» Angorumoa 10:28 pm These are things you don't want your guard to know, Blaster. Boomtank 10:28 pm ................... Boomtank 10:29 pm please don't tell him Angorumoa 10:29 pm [nazis in the nutcracker] NoodlesAtNight 10:29 pm *Softy huffing.* ((wha?)) Angorumoa 10:29 pm [XD the nostalgiacritic reviewed a nutcracker, the most hated version with nazis in it Boomtank 10:30 pm ((ooooh Angorumoa 10:30 pm Go home in the safe bridge, Blaster. I'll avoid telling Har what you said. NoodlesAtNight 10:30 pm ((well i won't have that shown here and i don't care to think about such things tonight)) verdigrisprowl 10:30 pm ((agreed)) Angorumoa 10:30 pm [that whole movie was a big NOPEWTF] Boomtank 10:31 pm Fine, fine, I'm going. Angorumoa 10:31 pm [on good news, it is STILL SNOWING] Boomtank 10:31 pm ((FUCK NoodlesAtNight 10:31 pm ((god, good luck)) Boomtank 10:31 pm ((gonna need it Angorumoa 10:31 pm [put a noodle in a parka and THROW to enjoy the snow for a few seconds] NoodlesAtNight 10:31 pm ((last one and then public stream closes off)) NoodlesAtNight 10:32 pm @P: [[And what would you do if he found an excuse to delay tonight? Out of curiosity.]] verdigrisprowl 10:32 pm @S «I got my kiss in.» Boomtank 10:32 pm ((g'night and thanks for the stream! NoodlesAtNight 10:32 pm ((night! and thank you for comin)) NoodlesAtNight 10:33 pm @P: [[And that is all you want? Well. If you insist, but he confesses he /is/ disappointed.]] verdigrisprowl 10:34 pm @S «It's all I was waiting on. Anything else is a pleasant bonus.» NoodlesAtNight 10:35 pm @P: [[Ah. Fortunately for you, he is feeling generous.]] *Gonna take one of those hands around his arm, lift it up, and nibble the knuckles. What can he say? He's been in a biting mood since he thought about it earlier.* [[Do you know, it is rather convenient staying with this half mask. He thinks he'll keep it that way.]] verdigrisprowl 10:36 pm @S «Do I still get your optics to myself?» NoodlesAtNight 10:37 pm @P: [[Without question.]]

*Soundwave stretches.* [[But for the moment he should clean up.]] verdigrisprowl 10:37 pm Can I help? NoodlesAtNight 10:38 pm *.......Considers this. Prowl asks so often. And he's pretty sure he can trust Prowl's definition of clean more than the twins'.*

*Oh, why not.*

[[Yes, thank you. He would like that.]] verdigrisprowl 10:39 pm *a milestone! he gets to help clean.* Angorumoa 10:39 pm *Aren't they cute. Don't mind him, he was still there grinning like a bit of a youthful mech, as he pulls back. Dislodges the Ravage who may or may not of been there still.

There is thirty feet of constant snow he must see to and remove outside. Shift it into... something. Maybe a few barrels of mercury or another metal. Soundwave can figure out what it can be used for once Primus has cleaned up his own mess.* NoodlesAtNight 10:40 pm *Ravage was blissfully napping, as it happens. Emphasis on was, as he is now jolting awake with a confused /brrrm?/ and vacating Primus' shoulder. Some mattresses, honestly.* NoodlesAtNight 10:41 pm *Primus wouldn't happen to consider making it gallium, would he? Just a thought.* verdigrisprowl 10:41 pm *Too Much Gallium* NoodlesAtNight 10:42 pm *Rubbish. You're going to live at least another few million years. That's plenty spoiling time.* Angorumoa 10:42 pm *Sorry, Ravage. Out of apology, he'll turn a bit of the snow into a toy flobster he can destroy to his spark's content. That or torment the other minis with it. Good?

Gallium? Can do.* NoodlesAtNight 10:43 pm *Mmm, destruction. He'll take it.* Angorumoa 10:44 pm *A pounce-sized flobster toy that'll take time to completely wreck gets tossed in a minute after Primus went outside. It'll last a day or a week depending on Ravage's time spent.

The rest will end up in barrels outside the door. The twins can bring them on in later.* NoodlesAtNight 10:46 pm *Soundwave wobbles some gratitude in Primus' direction. One way or another, they'll make good use of that.*

*For now, he'll keep picking up furniture and moving it back where it goes.*

[[Hm. Perhaps he should enlist your help after business hours as well.]] *Humor ping.* verdigrisprowl 10:47 pm Do I get to stay over those nights if I do? *humor ping* NoodlesAtNight 10:47 pm *Stops mid-lift to look over at Prowl.* [[...Would you want to stay over those nights?]] Angorumoa 10:47 pm [nini you two, have a good christmas and/or general holiday-ness <3] verdigrisprowl 10:48 pm ((gnight)) NoodlesAtNight 10:48 pm ((goodnight! have a good day tomorrow and a good new year <3 <3 )) verdigrisprowl 10:50 pm *the snacks that he's seen being put up before, he's putting back where they belong; the rest he doesn't he's organizing neatly on the counter. But he pauses to consider Soundwave's question.* ... I don't dislike the schedule we already have. I—also don't dislike the idea of spending more time over, but—I am—concerned, about the possibility of spending too much time together. And either getting on each other's nerves or sacrificing other relationships. NoodlesAtNight 10:57 pm *Soundwave sets the item where it goes at last and eyes the puddles from the snow tracked in earlier. He'll fetch a mop. It's tiny - meant for one of the deployers to use - but he can hold it in the tendrils and he doesn't feel like going upstairs for the bigger one.*

[[He doesn't dislike the schedule or the idea either, if that is any comfort. And you do not get on his nerves.]] *Mop, mop, mop. Can't have rust inside the club.* [[But he does not wish to get on yours, or to cause you to sacrifice your other relationships either. That is why he asked whether or not you were serious about it.]] *Wrings mop into an empty cube. It's going to get washed and recycled anyway, so.* [[He will not take offense if you say no. Concerns must be controlled and balanced; he understands that.]] verdigrisprowl 11:00 pm And you don't get on mine. Nor do I predict with certainty that you would—but I don't know if that would change if we doubled the amount of social time we spent together. Anyway, it's not a "no"— a list of concerns IS my answer. NoodlesAtNight 11:03 pm ((rabbit what are you DOING tonight)) verdigrisprowl 11:03 pm ((gee prowl, why does rabbit let you have TWO soundwaves?)) NoodlesAtNight 11:03 pm ((LMAO)) NoodlesAtNight 11:08 pm [[He can assure you he would always keep at least two - perhaps three - nights to himself. He does require down time, and the deployers need time and attention of their own. One of the most understanding and cooperative mechs you may be when it comes to them, but he does not think you would care for getting caught up in their habit of piling on him to sleep.]] *More soft laughter.* NoodlesAtNight 11:09 pm [[Although Zori would probably manage to nap in your thigh compartment rather comfortably. He did say it was cozy.]] verdigrisprowl 11:09 pm ... Well, they ARE about a tenth the size of the Constructicons... *humor ping* verdigrisprowl 11:10 pm I'm glad my thigh compartment meets his approval, at any rate. NoodlesAtNight 11:10 pm *Pings back.* [[Very well. He'll tell Buzzsaw to come roost on your shoulder at once.]] verdigrisprowl 11:11 pm *huff* NoodlesAtNight 11:13 pm [[Not that you would be expected to spend all of the other nights here, of course. You have things to do with your time as well. He is simply saying that you aren't going to need to worry about being asked to stay every night, if that is any comfort of any kind.]] verdigrisprowl 11:14 pm I didn't expect you would, but I appreciate hearing it. NoodlesAtNight 11:14 pm *Nods.* NoodlesAtNight 11:18 pm *...He doesn't know what else to say so he'll just put the mop and cube away and park himself at the bar for a standing shot of something warm (but not boozy, naturally)*

[[Well. He has run that into the ground. Had you anything else on your mind?]] verdigrisprowl 11:19 pm No, you didn't. *he gets another smooch.* ... Would YOU like me to stay over more nights? verdigrisprowl 11:21 pm *... was the smooch too much. he's overthinking it now. don't mind him silently fretting over here.* NoodlesAtNight 11:25 pm *Soundwave's engines tell Prowl exactly how pleased he is with that there smooch. It's not too much at all.*

[[...He wouldn't mind one more, at least. These movie nights make a fine tradition, and one he is not inclined to change, but he--]] *How to phrase without being selfish? Is that a thing? Isn't everything to do with this sort of thing selfish by nature?* [[He also likes the idea of your being here for the night without first having to sit in and wait on a noisy crowd. It is more... hm. He does not want to say "personal." More focused?]] verdigrisprowl 11:26 pm Private? NoodlesAtNight 11:26 pm [[Ah. Thank you. Yes.]] verdigrisprowl 11:27 pm ... Hm. ... We could try it out and see if we like it? NoodlesAtNight 11:29 pm [[If that is all right with you, he would like that, yes.]] verdigrisprowl 11:31 pm All right. Then, let's try it. NoodlesAtNight 11:32 pm *Tiny bow.* [[Thank you. He appreciates your willingness to test it.]] verdigrisprowl 11:33 pm What nights work for you? NoodlesAtNight 11:35 pm [[The only one he has trouble clearing or scheduling around is Saturday.]] *Shakes the glass in Prowl's direction and sends a humor ping.* [[Do not tell his enemies.]]

[[Besides, that would just be another day for you to wait on his being done with a crowd, and it is even noisier than than these nights.]] verdigrisprowl 11:36 pm I take it you don't actually want me to help clean, then. *humor ping* How about the middle of the week? There tends to be less crime and I have less late nights. NoodlesAtNight 11:37 pm [[You can if you like, but we clean Sunday mornings.]] *Toothy smile.* [[Very bright for night time.]]

[[Ah, that will do. ... Why is there less crime?]] [[Have the criminals begun getting organized? He hasn't seen any signs of it--]] verdigrisprowl 11:38 pm People have more free time to get into trouble on weekends. verdigrisprowl 11:39 pm You don't have drunken dance club brawls on the nights dance clubs aren't open. NoodlesAtNight 11:39 pm *Plants Rumble and Frenzy's photos on his visor.* [[You'd think that, wouldn't you.]] verdigrisprowl 11:40 pm Okay, maybe YOU do. General "you." The average public "you." NoodlesAtNight 11:42 pm [[An acceptable point. He understands. The middle of the week is fine, thank you.]] NoodlesAtNight 11:43 pm [[And he will try to keep the local off-season drunken dance club brawls to a minimum.]] verdigrisprowl 11:44 pm It wouldn't be any wilder than my place, I'm sure. NoodlesAtNight 11:45 pm [[Primus forbid. To the Pit with the furniture; he wouldn't have any /walls/ left.]] NoodlesAtNight 11:46 pm [[But all of that will be another night. For now, there is a chain upstairs with your designation on it.]] *Drops the tiny glass in the sink with the cube.* [[Literally, in fact. He borrowed Buzzsaw's engraving pen. It amused him.]] verdigrisprowl 11:46 pm *REV* NoodlesAtNight 11:47 pm *Silent but obvious laughing.* [[Had he known that would be your reaction, he'd have tried it sooner. Well, then - would you like to be led to it, or will you be directing yourself?]] verdigrisprowl 11:49 pm ... Had I known that would be my reaction, I'd have suggested it sooner. *you learn something new every day.* I, uh... think I like the sound of being led. NoodlesAtNight 11:54 pm [[Good. He liked the sound of leading you.]]

*Soundwave is just gonna let a feeler slither out to wrap around Prowl's upper arms and chest. This mech is his now, thank you.*

[[Tight enough?]] verdigrisprowl 11:55 pm *REVVVV.* ... Yes. NoodlesAtNight 11:58 pm *Oh, this is going to be a /treat./*

[[Excellent. Step quickly and keep up. He won't be giving any excess slack.]] *Just enough space that neither of them smack into or kick the other while going upstairs. And now, time to head off with his dear amica trailing behind him.* verdigrisprowl 11:59 pm Yes, SIR. *and he shall obediently—and quickly—follow behind.*

#chat

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clevercatchphrase · 7 years

Text

You Monster Chpt. 28

Click Here to Read on AO3! Chapters: [First][Previous][Next] Notes: It’s finally here. I’ve done it. This chapter is 16 thousand words long. I can’t even.

Somewhere else entirely, several hours ago…

Alphys sat at her computer screen with her chin on her claws as she watched the curious little creature on the monitor before her. She had put down her pen and paper ages ago, no longer frantic to scribble down notes and observations every time they blinked or sneezed. After a couple hours of simply following the human through her screen she no longer felt like she was making brilliant scientific breakthroughs for all of monsterkind, but rather… keeping an eye on a small companion, checking up on an old friend.

Funny how just watching someone struggle through all sorts of obstacles could make root for them, or feel like a guardian angel.

Alphys blinks a couple of times. Huh, where was this protective feeling coming from all of the sudden? She shakes herself out of it and tries to refocus. They were a human and she was a scientist who needed to study them to help her people. She didn’t need to guard them. She wasn’t supposed to feel attached to them. She had only promised to make sure they didn’t get hurt in Waterfall was all, nothing more than that.

Her eyes drift up to the screen where the human jumps in puddles alongside her brother like every other monster child had done at their age.

And yet… she couldn’t help but think.

An alarm on her wristwatch chimes a reminder- it’s twelve o’clock. Lunchtime.

The royal scientist sighs and reluctantly leaves her computer. She knows she promised Sans to keep tabs on the human, but now they were busy conducting music with Shyren by the old statue in front of a gathering crowd. Surely they’d be fine a few minutes alone without her eyes on them when there were so many others there to do it for her.

Roughly an hour later, Alphys hefts the half-empty bag of dog chow over her shoulder as the elevator ascends. She realizes she’d have to go to the local pet store either today or tomorrow to get more. Oh, why did that amalgamutt- pardon, -amalgamate- have to eat so much? Well, if she could call it eating. The conglomerate of canines more or less inhaled its food through the sole orifice on its head, bowl and all. She’s glad the employees at the pet store don’t question how much kibble she buys on a weekly basis, but she’d rather not have to go to the store every other day and risk suspicion when she never once showed evidence that she owned a dog.

The elevator dings! and the royal scientist steps out onto the main floor of her laboratory, in a hurry to get back to her computer screen. She hadn’t been gone long, but she didn’t want Sans to think her indolent for having left them unattended longer than she had planned.

Her lab is dim, the lights usually turn off on their own when she’s not there to save on electricity, but when something goes bump in the gloom her scales instantly stand on end.

She’s not alone.

“H-hello?” She tentatively calls out in the murky hallway, but no one responds. Gingerly, the scientist tiptoes to her computer and waves a hand in front of a motion sensor to get the lights to come back on. None of her papers look disturbed and all her dirty dishes are in the exact place she’d left them. Nothing had changed.

‘Scaredy scales,’ Alphys chastises herself. ‘Jumping at shadows and getting worked up over nothing. Nobody’s here. The lights would have come on if there were, remember?’

And then, creeping into her field of vision, just out of the corner of her eye, something long and slithering coils around her sides, and-

“ALPHYS! DARLING!”

Alphys screams so loud, she’s pretty sure the King could have heard her. She jumps a mile in the air, choking the bag of dog food so tight that kibble goes flying out its open end.

“M-M-Mettaton?! W-w-what are you doing in here?!” the yellow lizard stutters as the rectangular robot embraces her in his long, slinky arms.

“Oh, just the usual, darling! I just wanted to drop by and get a quick status update on how my new body is doing! I know my fans are just dying for a little more pizazz in my show! (Not to mention I already promised my producers a new look for the new season to pull in the ratings!) So has any progress been made since my last visit?”

“Oh, uh, y-yes! Lots,” Alphys lies, wriggling free of Mettaton’s strangle hold to go back to her computer screen. “But, uh, I-I-I’ve had to put it on hold for the moment. Something more urgent h-has come up, regrettably.” Her monitor shows the same live feed in Waterfall of the statue in the rain tunnel, but now the scene is completely bare, no human or Undyne in sight.

Frowning, she begins to rotate through her other cameras. They couldn’t have gone far.

“Wonderful news! So do you think you can give me an ETA on that, or…?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure Mettaton…” Alphys mumbles as she changes through the channels. She finds her brother back in the Glowing Water Room struggling to carry something, and then Undyne on the bridges, but the human isn’t with her.

Alphys’ soul feels like it’s doing frantic back flips. Undyne without the human… That was disconcerting to say the least. She’d promised Sans she’d keep an eye on her! But Undyne didn’t seem to be carrying anything soul shaped, so maybe everything was alright? Oh, who was she kidding. She shouldn’t have let her eyes off them for a second! Fine guardian angel- er, some vigilant scientist she turned out to be!

Just as she starts going through all the absolute worst case scenarios in her head, Alphys flips to her cameras in the land fill sector and she finally gets lucky.

Ah! There they are! Walking through the junk yard (and following a ghost? Whatever it is, it’s making the live feed fuzzy, so it’s hard to tell). How did they get down there? Well, no time to worry about that now. They look a bit dazed for some reason, but at least they’re alive and unhurt.

Just then the human turns a bit, angling their body a bit more towards the camera, and now she can see that they’ve got one arm drawn up funny, which they hold close with their other hand. They’re doing their best not to bump into anything, but still their face goes tense when they accidentally jar their side against some obstructing pile of trash.

Uh-oh. Maybe they weren’t unhurt after all.

“My my, darling! What new show of yours is this?” Mettaton asks rolling up to her side. “Hm, that little human doesn’t look animated. Is this a movie, or an episode of some obscure reality TV series the humans watch? It has no audio. Is silent film finally making a comeback?”

“No, it’s live,” Alphys admits, too concentrated on the monitor to watch her tongue.

“LLLIIIVVVEEE?” Mettaton gasps overdramatically, drawing out the word with exaggerated phonation. “Good gracious, Alphys! But then that would mean there is a human in the Underground right this very moment! Stars above, somebody pinch me! I must be dreaming! This is exactly the kind of show stopping news my network has been looking for! I must call my producer immediately-!”

“WHAT?NO!DON’T!YOUCAN’T!” Alphys says without pause between the words. “I-I mean, they’re not coming to Hotland! Wait, no, I mean, uhh wh-what human? Pssh, that’s n-not a human, Mettaton! Don’t be silly!”

“Alphys. Darling.” Mettaton says frankly. “Do you think my robotic eyes were installed yesterday?”

“Um, yes? It says so right here in your hardware updates?”

“Irrelevant!” Mettaton wheels close to the scientist to drape one arm around her and pull her in close. “Alphys, for the first time in decades there is a human in the Underground and I simply must meet them and have them on my show! Think of the masses we could be informing! Think of the history we could be making! The people we could be inspiring! The demographics we could be exploiting! Oh where is the phone number for my entourage? I must get them escorted to my hotel this minute!”

“No, Mettaton! You can’t!” Alphys argues, pushing herself free. “It’s vital that the human doesn’t come to Hotland! For their safety and ours!”

Mettaton beeps displeasingly and crosses his arms. “My, my, Alphys. You seem rather protective of this human and keeping them a secret. Are they a friend of yours?”

“What?” Alphys replies, taken aback. She wasn’t trying to cover for them! Was she? “N-no, of course not!” She answers her own question. “I-in fact, I wanted to study them, but-”

“Then why are we even arguing, darling? I’ll call my valet and have them dropped off here, and then when you’re done with them, I can bring them on my show for all of monsterkind to meet!”

“Mettaton! For once in your life will you just listen to me and trust when I say it would be a very bad idea to show the human to the entire Underground?”

“And why ever not, darling?”

“Because-! Because the human doesn’t know that they’re human, Mettaton!”

“A human… who does not know they are human.” Mettaton repeats skeptically. “Alphys, as someone who is rather intimate with the realm entertainment, I must inform you that your take on comedy leaves a lot to be desired.”

“My take on-? I’m not joking, Mettaton.” Groaning, Alphys drags her claws down her cheeks, snagging some flaking scales in the process. Oh, great. Now she’s stress shedding. If Mettaton kept this up she’d start developing bald spots. “They think they’re a boss monster like Asgore, and Sans and I agree that telling them has the slightest chance of being a VERY catastrophic idea if they found out!”

“Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad! Our audience could use a little more excitement of the calamitous variety in their life, don’t you think?”

Alphys stares at him blankly. This robot sometimes, she swears. When it’s clear to her that there’s no changing Mettaton’s mind, she decides to switch angles. “Then how about this for thought; You show the human to the Underground and Asgore catches wind of it, then he demands you hand the human over? What will your show do then?”

“I-!” Mettaton starts, raising a finger in defiance before tapping his chassis thoughtfully the way one would tap their chin. Alphys could hear his hard drive whirring as he simulated the scenario in is processer.

“Oh. I do see how that could lead to a premature cancelation. I guess I’ll just have to brainstorm a work around...”

The screens on Mettaton’s front flash red and yellow in a checkerboard pattern before lighting up in the shape of an exclamation mark. A sound clip of a desk bell dings! from his speaker ports.

“I’ve got it! We’ll make it a candid camera reality sitcom!”

“What… are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about make a show in the format of one of those double-blind science-y things you do! We’ll play along with this little boss monster and introduce them to the life as a celebrity! But only those of us who are in the know will really see what’s going on! It will be the greatest inside joke of all history! Now that’s comedy!”

“I… d-don’t think that’s very wise, Mettaton-“

“But Alphys! Imagine the possibilities! While I interview them about their life as a boss monster, you could be gaining valuable research! You could disguise your questionnaires as quizzes, and your experiments as challenges on my game show! The audience at home won’t dare say a word. That would be cheating! And the human would be none the wiser!”

Alphys dares to exhale. It did sound plausible, and as long as she could keep Mettaton quiet with the secret, things would work out fine. Everything would be okay. She wouldn’t be messing up again.

“And who knows? Maybe once we’ve exhausted our ideas, we could have a special identity reveal at the end of the season!”

“Mettaton…” Alphys says lowly, her tone warning.

“Temper, darling! Watch your temper!” Mettaton teases, and begins rolling backwards towards the exit. “Anyway, I must be off now! I just had the most brilliant idea for the pilot and need to get the directors on board post haste! Do keep me posted on the progress of my new form, and call me when our little boss monster decides to visit Hotland, will you? Toodles!”

With that, the rectangular robot disappears through the automatic doors. Alphys feels like her knees have turned to jelly and she barely reaches her computer chair before she collapses into it.

Oh boy. It seemed like the human was destined to come to Hotland now whether they wanted to or not. Mettaton would make sure of that. Why did ensuring the safety of one living being have to be so hard?

Grabbing the edge of her desk, Alphys swivels back around to face her monitor. Her claws brush one of her earlier notebooks on her human observations in the process. Idly, she flips through it, rereading all her potential experiments and questions she wanted to ask them on the off chance they ever got to meet, which now she realized, was about to become reality. She felt a bit differently on some of the experiments now. Reading them again, they did sound the tiniest bit unethical, even if they were performed on a human.

Her eyes flick up to the screen. The human and Undyne and Kid have all rejoined now, and it looks like they’re racing snails at the local snail farm, like any other three friends would.

It’s a struggle, but Alphys forces herself to look away. She’s already too attached to them as it is, and that would only make it harder for her to study them when they finally met in person and harder to let go before she would inevitably send them to Asgore.

“Do your job as the Royal Scientist first, Alphys,” she sighs, opening up a fresh note book and turning to a clean page to resume taking notes like she should have been doing from the start. “Then we’ll talk about part time jobs as a guardian angel.”

You sleep, and the vision unfolds and you find yourself back on the highway of bridges over the dump. Premonition tickles the back of your mind. The scenery around you feels too clear, too real. That’s when you realize this is isn’t a dream.

It’s a memory.

The memory plays out against your will and your heart thumps in trepidation as your body begins to walk on autopilot. You need to get off these bridges. Something bad is about to happen. You know something bad is about to happen, but you can’t stop yourself from moving forward. The sense of already having lived this disorients you as the future overlays the present, not giving you enough space for warning as it plays out. The end of the bridge is coming up. You’re going to walk right off of it. You need to stop, but you can’t control your feet. They move on their own volition.

You try to yell, to shout, or order your body to obey with a voice that’s not there, but nothing works. The edge is inches away and you’re steadily getting closer. You strain, you flail, you fight with the tangibility you don’t have, knowing it’s futile but trying anyway because you must. But nothing happens, and the bottomless drop off yawns wider, ready to receive you. You brace for the worst.

But… then you come to a stop. You’re puzzled, relieved, heart filling with dread. You managed to not walk right off the edge, but that can only mean something even worse is going to happen. You can feel it. Something is warning you not to turn around.

You have to. You can’t help it. This is a memory and it’s already happened.

You turn, only just enough time to recognize the silhouette of the warrior and her wicked smile before her spears rain down and sever the wooden boards between you. Everything moves in slow motion as the world tilts and the ground rushes to the sky, leaving you behind. A stray spear hits your left shoulder which quickly brings you back to normal speed, and for a second you don’t know which feeling is stronger- the pain or the sensation of falling.

And you’re falling, falling, falling into something deeper than dreams.

You have to wake up! Wake up before you hit the ground! Wake up, your arm is being torn to shreds!

You jerk awake, and the feeling of falling quickly leaves you, but the pain in your shoulder screams louder than ever. You’ve fallen over in your sleep, right onto your bad arm. You thrash, blinded by pain as you roll over as fast as you can to get off your shoulder and end up spilling onto the floor.

The worst of the stinging goes away when your own weight is no longer pressing down on your arm. Hissing, you sit up and pull your collar to the side and try to look at it, only to find that even that’s now a challenge. The soreness of it all has started to spread up your neck and around your ribs. It hurts to move your whole left side but you manage to get a peek. The skin is angry and red and swollen. It’s hot to the touch, but your finger tips are cold and pale.

It hurts like hell, but you take small comfort in the fact that there is no puncture wound. At least that part of the memory was wrong.

Wait-

You freeze when you realize your own thoughts, and a bit of frenzied laughter escapes your lips, startling yourself when you put two and two together.

Ha ha, that’s right. That wasn’t a dream, it was a memory. Your eyes water, but you can’t tell if it’s from elation or shock. Ha ha, you can’t believe it. You remembered something. Ha, ha! This meant that you hadn’t forgotten again! This meant that-

Undyne cut the bridge.

The brief flame of joy in your heart is extinguished at once and your blood goes cold.

Why would she…? No. No, that had to be a mistake. You had to be misremembering, like with the spear-

You can’t help but recall your “sparring” session with Undyne yesterday, and how she wouldn’t stop attacking no matter how much you pleaded. Your stomach churns and you try to swallow a lump in your throat but it’s gone dry.

Oh God, she had wanted to- she was trying to-!

Geez, when did it get so stuffy in this room? Was it always this hot, or is it just you? It’s borderline suffocating. You… you need to get out of here, get some air, clear your head. Just… just for a minute. Just to think.

You cast one last glance over your shoulder at Kid still asleep on the couch. You won’t be long, you delude yourself.

As quietly as you can, you find your way to Gerson’s store front and slip outside to take a few deep breaths on the street. The air here is no cooler than the house. God, it feels so hard to breathe.

But why? The unanswerable question keeps jumping to the forefront of your mind as you try to calm yourself down. What did you do that would make Undyne want to… Was it something you said? Something you did? You thought you two were getting along at first. Where did it go so wrong?

You loiter outside the store awhile, massaging your sore arm and coming up with no good explanation. Still not ready to head back inside, you take stock of your surroundings since you didn’t have a good chance yesterday. The caves here are large and smooth and the floor is well-trodden. This must be a major road. Glowing runes catch your eye to the East. There are more plaques on the wall just further down the street. They look just like the ones you saw yesterday over the lake.

Maybe going for a short walk will help calm your nerves and get you tired again, you decide. You won’t go far, just to the plaques and back. Just to stretch your legs and take your mind of things.

“The Power to take their souls,” the first plaque reads when you got close enough to make out the words. “This is the power the humans feared.”

You walk as slowly as possible to give yourself a chance to read each word and to chew up time, following the line of inscriptions on the wall.

“This power has no counter. Indeed a human cannot take a monster’s soul. When a monster dies, its soul disappears. An incredible power would be needed to take the soul of a living monster.

“There is only one exception. The soul of a special species of monster called a “Boss Monster”. A Boss Monster’s soul is strong enough to persist after death, if only for a few moments. A human could absorb this soul, in theory, but this has never happened, and now it never will.

“The humans, afraid of our power, declared war on us. They attacked suddenly and without mercy.

“In the end, it could hardly be called a war. United, the humans were too powerful, and us monsters, too weak. Not a single soul was taken, and countless monsters were turned to dust.”

The road begins to grow unruly underfoot as weeds and grass crop up and snake into your path. You glance up and take in the entrance to a forest with trees twice as tall and twice as thick as the marble pillars that you have back in the ruins. The lowest branches of even the shortest tree are still far out of reach for even the tallest monster. They glow a weak bioluminescent blue on their undersides, and they’re so high you can’t see their tops. You wonder if they’re holding up the ceiling. After a moment of staring you turn back to the plaques.

“Hurt, beaten, and fearful for our lives, we surrendered to the humans. Seven of their greatest magicians sealed us underground with a magic spell. Anything can enter through the seal, but only beings with a powerful soul can leave.

“There is only one way to reverse this spell; if a huge power, equivalent to seven human souls, attacks the barrier, it will be destroyed.

“But this cursed place has no entrances or exits. There is no way a human could come here. We will remain trapped down here forever.

“However… there is a prophecy; The Angel, The One Who Has Seen The Surface, they will return and the Underground will go empty.”

The story ends here as far as you can tell, but your thoughts are still buzzing and impossible to order, and you can’t help but fidget and pace as you try to set them straight. The perpetual darkness of Waterfall gives you no way to tell the time like you could in the Ruins or in Snowdin, but the streets are noticeably empty and quiet, so you guess it’s a pretty safe bet it’s still the middle of the “night”.

What were supposed to do now? You can’t keep staying here; not out in the open or back there with Kid. Not if Undyne would keep trying to…

Perhaps you can just find the rest of the way on your own? That had been your plan from the start, after all. But it would be rude to just leave Kid behind and run off without thanking Gerson for his hospitality. Maybe you can just get Kid to just take you the rest of the way. The two of you made it so far together. But he looks up to Undyne so much… You doubt you’ll be able to convince him that she wants your dust.

Hm, maybe you could just keep standing outside in the middle of the street doing nothing. You’ve already got a great head start. You groan and shake your head. No, that wouldn’t work. Someone would find you here eventually. You had to make a choice here and now, despite all your bad options.

You guess you could go back to Snowdin. You know without a doubt Papyrus would welcome you back with open arms and you could stay with him and Sans for as long as you wanted. But you couldn’t stay with them forever, waiting each day by the door for someone who wasn’t going to answer. Heck, you don’t even know if you can find the way back to Snowdin at this point. You have to get to the capital one way or another. It’s your best choice. It’s your only choice.

You sigh and about-face, not looking forward to the walk back, but you only take two steps when you catch movement out of the corner of your eye.

A familiar gelatinous form inches past like a carefree accordion. You don’t believe your eyes. Is… is that who you think it is?

“Moldsmal?” you ask out loud. The gummy-like monster does not falter or stop and keeps squelching on its way. In a spilt second decision, you choose to pad after it, keenly aware that you are straying from the main road and into the forest.

“Moldsmal, wait! How did you get out of the ruins?”

The smaller monster pays you no heed as it slips over rocks and roots and fallen logs, around crystal outgrowths and mushroom clusters, deeper into the forest filled with the phosphorescent trees.

“Moldsmal, please! Is there a way to get back in past the doors?” You put on a burst of energy and sprint to close the distance between you and the other monster.

“Why are you running away? It’s me! I just need your help-” At last you catch up and reach out to it. It shutters and stiffens at the touch of your fingers- then rears back until it is twice your height and utters a deep, guttural sound. Spores of magic burst out like a halo around its body and it fixes you with a piercing stare from the one eye in the center of its jelly-like face.

And of all the things to think, your brain comes up with a brilliant deduction as you’re stumbling back in shock; This isn’t Moldsmal.

You trip over a rock and land hard on your bad arm. White spots flash across your eyes as you let out one short bark of pain.

The monster towers over you, its spores of magic closing in.

“I-I’m sorry,” you whisper between terrified huffs. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I-I thought you were someone else.”

The monster-who-is-not-Moldsmal leans in, its thistle-like magic creeping dangerously close as it studies you, apparently at a loss to what to do now that you’ve frozen in horror. It gurgles deep in its throat.

“P-please,” you beg, mouth dry, though you’re sweating. “I mean you no harm.” You still haven’t moved from your horizontal position on the ground, afraid the slightest movement might upset your adversary and wanting to appear as least-threatening as possible. For the second time since passing through the doors, all the warnings your mother had given you rush through your mind. All the dangers, all the threats, and here was one cornering you now, wearing the face of someone you thought you knew.

The monster’s eye is dangerously close to yours. It’s so close you could push it away if you really tried, if you fought back, defended yourself. Maybe stun it long enough to get away. You could. You could, but you can’t move. Terror locks you in place. This is how you’re going to die, scared stiff because of your stupid mistake.

Moldbygg inspects you for a long time, gurgling deep in its throat as it decides whether or not you are friend or foe. After a minute of motionlessness, it seems to understand you are no threat. The spores of magic dissipate, and Moldbygg slowly retracts, collapsing back into its jelly-like form.

You swear you hear it let out an annoyed snort as it inch-worms away. It’s only after you can’t hear its squelching sounds anymore, do you sit up and wipe the tears of panic from your eyes. It was foolish to come out this far at all. How could you possibly make it to the King all on your own when you can’t even walk down the street without screwing up? That’s it, you’re going to head back and try your hardest to sway Kid to show you the rest of the way through Waterfall.

You push yourself up on trembling knees, turn around, and start trudging North, back the way you came… or was it West? Wait, are you even facing North? You can’t tell in this extreme darkness.

You walk blindly, bumping into tree trunks and tripping over roots every-other step. You nearly jump out of your skin when your foot snaps a twig, but the noise gives you an idea.

Shuffling your feet, you kick up the dead pine needles until your foot catches on something stiff and you reach down for it, hopeful.

Ah, yes! You’ve found a branch, just like you were hoping. Holding the stick in your right hand, you attempt to snap your fingers with your left, but the sharp movement feels like bee-stings up your arm. You do a bit of juggling and pass the stick off to the other hand, squeezing it tight hurts your left shoulder, and you snap your right fingers as quick as you can with heated urgency.

Sparks fly and hit the leafless twigs, but the bark refuses to ignite. You snap frantically, feeling your grip tremble as your shoulder muscles cry out in torture.

Finally, a twig catches and you release your hold like you’re dropping a venomous snake, letting the branch fall into your hand on your good arm.

Carefully, you bring the smoldering end up to your face and breathe a bit of life onto it. The kindling brightens and dims with each puff until at last a tiny flame appears. It isn’t much, and it certainly doesn’t light up the whole forest, but the little light does help to chase away the immediate darkness and allows you to watch where you’re walking.

You hold the stick high, that way the flames have to work against gravity, eating their way down the branch and giving you more time to take advantage of the light before it burns at your fingertips. Not that you could get burned with your gloves on, anyway, but the slower the branch burns, the easier the fire will be to manage and the longer you could go without finding a new one.

You try to retrace your steps by searching for the Moldbygg’s slime trail, but all the grass here is naturally glossy, making it impossible for you to be able to tell what is a monster’s residue and what isn’t.

You debate calling for help, but decide against it, not wanting to be caught somewhere you shouldn’t be. Again.

Refusing to admit you’re lost, you march on, hoping with all your heart that you’ll somehow find the way back out and not end up walking in circles, but after passing a rather familiar crystal growth for what you think is the twentieth time, you have to admit you’re hopelessly turned around. Your stick has burned down to embers in your palm and you’re feet are sore from walking. Leaning back against the tree, you slump down and sigh.

Well… at least you managed to make yourself tired again. You might as well wait here until someone finds you and suffer the consequences that come.

Hugging your knees, you place your forehead on your arm and take a moment to reflect on your situation. Your throat starts getting tight and your eyes start to well as you think about the mess you’re in. You can feel another round of tears coming on and you don’t try very hard to hold them back.

You’re right in the middle of feeling sorry for yourself when you hear a rustling in the grass. Your sniffing is stopped at once; the fear of danger is enough to silence your crying as you hold your breath and wait for whatever aid or enemy to emerge from the shadows. The grass rustles again, and from it pops out the most curious monster you’ve seen yet.

At first you think it’s the small white dog again. The creature is the same height and color, but upon closer inspection its face is too flat and more cat-like than canine. It’s got dark grey hair on its head in addition to the white fur, and… four ears? You can’t tell if those are floppy ears on the side of its head or just growths of skin. Two more pointed ears peak out from the top of her head. She’s wearing a blue shirt.

“hOi!” she yips. “I’m Temmie!”

The tiny monster extends one foot and it stretches toward you, kinking at sharp right angles, giving the leg more joints than any limb should legally be allowed to have. Magical, extending legs? Maybe this thing is a dog after all.

It dawns on you that she’s expecting a handshake, and tentatively you reach your own arm out to grasp it. She seems friendly enough and you don’t get any threatening vibes from her. You open your mouth to greet her in turn, but your nose starts to tickle half way through the first word.

“Heh-aa-AA-ACHOO!” you sneeze, barely covering your mouth on time. “Hello. I-I’m Chara. Sorry for sneezing.”

Snuffling, you wipe your nose on your sleeve, then wipe your eyes, and then your eyes some more. (Why are they suddenly so itchy?)

“Is k.” Temmie says, brushing off your faux paus. “Temmie herd nother Tem crying and came as fast as she could! Tem always help other Tem in need!”

“Other tem- I’m not a, uh, Temmie,” you guess. It’s not unusual for groups of similar monsters to go by an all-encompassing name, like Froggit or Vegetoid do, and this one did speak in the third person… you think.

Temmie tips her head, bemused.

“Not a Tem? But you ware blue shirt!” she says poking you in the stomach.

“Well, yeah, but-”

“You hav white furr!” She says pointing at your gloves.

“Well, technically, but-”

“You have four ears!” she says lifting up one of the sides of your hat.

“Th-that’s true in a way, but-”

“You are a Tem!” Temmie nods triumphantly. Case closed.

You open your mouth to say something, but get seized by another sneeze.

Ugh. Now your nose is all blocked up and your ears feel like they’re being stuffed with cotton. Head spinning, you decide not to argue anymore.

“Okay, okay, I am a Tem,” you forfeit when an idea suddenly strikes you. “And if Temmies always help other Temmies in need, then can you show me the way back to the main road?”

“Yeah, Yah!! Follow Temmie!” the small dog… cat… thing skips off and you obediently follow, trekking deeper into the pitch black forest.

Keeping Temmie in your sight is hard when it’s so dark you can barely see your own hand an arm’s length from your face, and you don’t think you’d be able to keep track of her if her fur wasn’t so startlingly white. Not to mention that your eyes are watering, and you find yourself constantly stumbling over hidden rocks and roots in your path. Temmie expertly jumps over each invisible obstacle as she prances through the trees. Her pace is not slow, but you still can’t help but wonder why it’s taking so long to get back to the main road. Surely you hadn’t deviated that far from it?

“Hear!” Temmie announces when the trees suddenly break away to a bare rock face. You stop short. This is definitely not the main road. Have you been heading the wrong way the whole time?

“Where are we?” You ask, stupefied. “This isn’t the main street.”

“This is TEM VILLAGE, duh!” Temmie snorts. “It’s a home for all tems!” And with a sharp turn to the right, she disappears from sight. You gasp in astonishment when Temmie vanishes into thin air and hurry over to where she winked away only to find a crack in the wall well hidden from your previous point of view.

Not wanting to be alone in the open, you squeeze through the fissure after her. The walls get uncomfortably tight pressing against your bad shoulder as the corridor gets narrower and narrower. Just when you begin to panic that you’re permanently stuck, the crack widens and you pop out into a large hollow cave.

You trip and stagger, but manage not to fall, and you can’t believe what you see when you look up.

The cavern is fairly large. Dozens of identical Temmies stroll about, chatting with friends or lounging on the floor. The air is filled with joyous greetings of “hOis!” whenever two Temmies happen to collide, and cheerful “bOis!” when they part ways again. A giant stone statue of a Temmie stands proudly in the center of town, and smaller tunnels branch off in the walls leading off to hidden homes and hideaways. The air is happy and peaceful and it brings a tear to your eye.

Wait. No, your eyes and nose are running like the rivers in the glowing water room but you don’t think it’s because you’re being overwhelmed with emotion. Now that you think about it, this is exactly what happens when it’s pollen season in the ruins, or when you go too long not sweeping the dander build up out of your room; you’re having an allergic reaction.

Oh no.

You need to get out of here. Oh geez, you can already feel a migraine coming on. You spin on your heels, ready to crawl back through the crack when you suddenly remember- you still not know the way back to Gerson’s shop.

For a minute you just stand there, head hanging in defeat as you reflect on all your life’s choices that have led you to this moment, sneezing and suffering. Of all the decisions you make, how is it that you keep picking the wrong ones?

You’re stuck at an impasse; Dare you chance finding the way back on your own, completely blind and lost and risk running into more monsters like Moldbygg (or worse, Undyne), or will you suck up your allergies and endure the Temmies who are helpful and nice since they think you are one of their own? Sure, your Temmie had led you astray, but maybe it was a mistake?

Groaning, you turn back around. The Temmie that brought you here has vanished into the sea of other Temmies, but you don’t think she would have been much help anyway. Picking a Temmie at random, you start asking around.

“Um, excuse me.”

“hOi! I’m Temmie!” Greets the Temmie nearest you.

“Uh, hello. Do you know the way to Gerson or Hotland by any chance?”

“Hmmmm… Nop! Try asking my friend!”

“hOi!” Says the Temmie next to Temmie. “I’m Temmie! And this is my friend Temmie!”

“Hi there,” you nod patiently although your sinuses are pounding. “Do you know who Gerson is, and how to get to him?”

“Nu…” Temmie frowns, her ears sagging. Then she perks up again. “But my friend mite! Ask her!”

“hOi!” Says the first Temmie, apparently having already forgotten the two of you have met. “I’m Temmie!”

“And I’m leaving!” you say sarcastically before breaking away from the madness.

None of the other Temmies are any more help as you work your way through the entire town, and only stop when you reach the back of the cavern. You’ve got a throbbing headache and you’re not sure if it’s solely because of your allergies.

Rubbing your temples, you lean against a sign and try to clear your head. When the pounding stops you can take in the lettering more clearly. Once you get past the grammatical errors, you find that you can actually read the words written on it;

“hOi! U shud check out… TEM SHOP!”

A shop? Hope flutters in your chest. Shops might sell maps, or at the very least be run by a capable store owner who should know some basic directions to the other stores in the Underground. It was your best bet, and really, at this point what else did you have to lose? Taking a chance, you head down the corridor.

Like most of the other establishments you’ve encountered in the Waterfall, the store has no door- just a short tunnel to the counter. The room is dimly lit and curiously decorated with odd mismatched trinkets and doodads and worthless bits of trash on the shelves around you that look less like wares for sale and more like the hoard of a packrat. The register sits in the middle of the room (or, uh, cardboard box in this case?) but no one seems to be manning it. Curious, you approach the box, only to step on something round and rubbery, and you practically jump out of your skin when it lets out a shill shriek.

Looking down, you find a squeaky dog toy taped to the floor. Several, in fact, all placed in front of the cardboard counter top, as if they were intentionally put there to be stepped on like a replacement for a desk bell.

The box in front of you rustles, and a head pops up, flinging foam peanuts into the air. It’s, unsurprisingly, another Temmie.

“Hoi! Welcom to… da TEM SHOP!” she greets you. “How kan i help u?”

“Hi, do you by any chance have a map of the Underground, or at least of Waterfall?” You ask quickly, feeling a familiar tickle in your nose that indicated you were about to sneeze.

“Yeah, yeah!!! Tem has… lots a maps! Tems R excellent cartographers!”

“Thank you so much. I’ve been walking in circles for ages. You don’t know how much I need this,” you sigh in relief, and reach into your pocket for your spare change. “Can I have one?”

“Yeah, yeha!¡!” The Temmie dives back down in the box, leaving only her little bobbed tail sticking out. You watch it circle around in the packing peanuts like a periscope for a while until the Temmie pops up again with a piece of folded paper in her mouth. “One map is... one thousand gold!!!”

Your jaw drops. A thousand gold?!

“B-but I’ve only got a hundred forty-five!” you stammer.

“Sry!” Temmie says firmly, keeping her paw on the folded piece of paper. “Tem has to save for colleg. Tuition… not cheap!” She turns up her nose.

Despair threatens to overwhelm you. You can’t tell if you’re crying or if your eyes are just watering so bad from being in close contact with all these Temmies.

“W-wait, are you willing to barter?” You ask desperately.

Temmie opens one eye a tiny sliver. You dig into your pockets, searching for anything of value you could trade, but all you come up with is rocks. You angrily pull one out and place it on the counter to get it out of your way while you look for something better.

Temmie’s eyes go wide as saucers when you present the geode.

“WOAH!” She gasps. “U hav… ROCKS? Tem’s always wanted rocks, but tem has to save for col leg. Hnng! But Tem really gotta have dat rock! Temmie will pay u… a hundred g!”

You pause.

“Really? But Kid told me these things were-” you cut yourself off, a realization dawning on you as something about Temmie behavior suddenly makes a lot more sense. This could be your only way to buy the map, but a hundred gold for each rock wasn’t going to cut it. You only had eight.

“Hmm, I dunno…” you play along as you tap your chin, considering the offer. “This rock wasn’t easy to come by. It has a lot of sentimental value too.”

“P… plz!!!” Temmie sweats. “One-fifty g! Final offers!!”

“Well… I guess I can bear to part with this rock for a hundred-fifty. Deal.”

You pass the rock to Temmie and she dips into the glass jar, which you guess is her till, to fishes out a handful of gold coins to match her price.

“Thanks u!” Temmie sings, proudly placing the stone on a shelf of the knick-knacks and dryer lint behind her.

“My pleasure. I sure will miss that rock, but I’m glad to see it will go to a good home.”

“Yea, Yeah! Tem will take good care of it!”

“Say Temmie…” You trail off and pull out another rock from your pocket. Temmie’s eyes bug as she shifts her pupils from the rock to you. She’s sweating profusely. “Would you like another?”

Six more rocks sold later and you have enough money for the map and still have one rock left over. Temmie seemed absolutely shocked when you placed the grand of gold on the counter and rejoiced that she would now be able to go to “cool leg”. You congratulated her, deciding to refrain from telling her that all the money was hers to begin with, and that you’re walking away with more gold than when you entered.

You grab the map and leave, ready to put this whole ordeal behind you.

Back in the main square, you take a moment to kneel on the ground and unfold the piece of paper. It’s harder to do than you think with only one arm, and when you finally smooth out all the edges, you behold the map to find…

Crayon scribbles.

The paper is covered in crisscrossing lines with no order or direction. There are no land marks, or compass or key, and half the paper is taken up by a huge, crudely drawn self portrait of Temmie.

You flip the paper over, thinking maybe the real map is on the other side and this is just a doodle, a mistake. The other side is blank.

“No… no, no, no, no!” You moan. Two minutes ago you thought you were being crafty in swindling a salesman. Oh how badly you have been played.

Frustrated, you crumple up the map and throw the ball as far as you can. It goes an unsatisfying distance of a couple of feet, but you don’t care as you storm off towards the entrance. Guess you’ll just have to wing it after all.

“Pardon me,” A voice, deep and eloquent, interrupts before you can leave. “I do believe you’ve dropped this.”

You spin around in alarm at the authority of the tone, only to look down in surprise. It’s… another Temmie?

“This belongs to you, does it not?” The Tem holds up the paper ball of your crumpled “map” in one limb that’s thrice as long as the others to reach your height. You swallow and nod, taking the trash from its paw. The leg contracts like a tape measure.

“Ah, good. It is nice to see children taking responsibility for their items. We do not approve of littering here in Temmie Village, but seeing as you are clearly a visitor, I will let you off with a gentle reminder. No sense in punishing those who never learned the rules.”

You stare at the Temmie completely dumbfounded. It smiles up at you, humming mirthfully with a twinkle in its eye.

“Cat got your tongue, young one?”

“You talk… really good,” you say stupidly.

The Temmie’s eyes crinkle as it tries to hide its amusement. “The correct phrasing would be ‘Talk very well’, but adverbs and adjectives can be tricky even for the most fluent speakers. Thank you, young one. I do pride myself on my, shall I say, above average linguistic achievements for my species. Though flaunting such talent is unbecoming of one’s personal image. Dignity and grace are best appreciated when expressed silently.”

Your mouth opens and closes without any sound coming out. You aren’t sure how to respond to that.

“Where are my manners?” The Temmie continues. “I have been conversing with you all this time without even introducing myself. I am Bob.”

“C-Chara,” you reply, crouching down to shake Bob’s tiny paw, despite your better judgement. You sneeze.

“Gesundheit,” Bob says. “And a pleasure to meet you. Though I must ask, what brings you to Temmie Village, young one?”

“I got… lost,” you confess. “I’ve been trying to get directions back to the main road but… no one’s been particularly… helpful.”

“Say no more, young one,” Bob nods knowingly. “I can assist you.”

“You can show me the way?” you ask, your spirits soaring.

“Oh yes. Though I as much as I wish to guide you, I assume being in my presence will just cause you physical discomfort, will it not?”

You reluctantly nod and hand your head in shame. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize, young one. We cannot control what we are allergic to. Listen close and I will describe to you the route you need.

“When you leave this place, take the first left you come across and follow it as far as you can go. The turn should be about twenty paces from our cavern entrance. Then turn right and head straight until you reach a dead end. Take one more right followed by two immediate lefts, and you’ll be back amongst civilization. Understood?”

“I think so,” you nod, your eyes burning from all the fur in the air. Left, straight, right, straight, right, left, left. It shouldn’t be too hard to memorize.

“Then you’d best be off, small one! Quick before your eyes and nose permanently turn against you!” Bob says, turning to go on his way. “I wish you luck, and may we both see the day our paths cross again!”

You wave farewell and make for the exit, ready to put this nightmare of a detour behind you. Your eyes and nostrils start to un-swell almost immediately when you squeeze back out through the fissure and you breathe deep, never more thankful in your life to have clear sinuses.

Right. Now to get back on track. You don’t see any other useful sticks on the ground that you could use as a torch. Guess you’re going in blind like the first time.

The first step in Bob’s directions was to take twenty steps and turn left. You start walking, straining your eyes as hard as you can to look for pathways in the pitch-black darkness. When you’ve mentally counted to twenty, you turn and began to feel around for the trail. With a hand sticking straight out in front of you, all you come across is more underbrush, too thick to push through, and your anxiety begins to resurface.

You didn’t mess up Bob’s directions, had you? Maybe you were supposed to turn right instead of left? You spin around a hundred and eighty degrees and poke about the other side of the road to see if you come across the correct path, but this side is just as dense a tangle of grass and bushes as the left side. You try not to double guess yourself. No, Bob had definitely said to go left first, and then straight. Right? Right. Twenty paces. Oh wait, what if those paces had been in Temmie proportions? You would have passed the turn ages ago if that were the case.

You remind yourself not to panic and start to back track. There was no need to get worked up. You walked in a straight line, so you could easily find your way back to Temmie Village and start over if you needed to. You could even go back in, find Bob again and have them repeat the directions to you. No need to freak out yet.

You walk blindly in the dark with your arm stretched out, waiting to hit the rock wall that marked your starting point. You mentally count back from twenty to recount your steps, but when you start getting into the negative numbers, alarm bells start to ring.

This isn’t right. You should have hit the wall by now. There were no other paths to take or accidentally turn down. How could you mess up something as simple as just walking in a straight line? Wait, did you remember to turn left or right when you started to back track? You had been facing the right side of the road instead of the left, so that meant you should have turned right one more time to make sure you had correctly lined yourself up again. Had you turned left and walked even further from Temmie Village?

Completely turned around, you keep walking in a vain attempt to stop yourself from having a break down. If you froze now, you would just completely shut down again and put yourself back at square one. Just keep walking until you hit something and you could orient yourself from there.

The path ends when you run smack dab into a tree, shaking loose a few barely-glowing pine needles that rain down on your head. Okay. A tree. You’ll use this as a starting point. The path here bends sharply right and it looks like the only way to go. You decide to follow it and stay right at every turn until you either stumble out of the forest or reach another dead end. It seemed as full-proof a plan as any.

You turn right and walk, and before long you find yourself at another bend that turns right again. That’s good. Bob’s directions said you’d have to make two right turns in a row. Maybe you accidentally found the right path after all.

You walk as far as you can, keeping an eye out for any signs of the foliage thinning or any hints of life beyond the trees, but find none. At least this path only seems one way. It would be very hard to get turned around on a road so narrow. When the path bends right for a third time, though, you start to get worried that you’re walking in a circle, or box rather. Aw geez, you weren’t going to end up back where you started at the tree, were you?

The trail is short and turns sharply left before you could find out. You keep following it as it’s the only way to go, and your hopes rise when you think you see light building around the next corner and hear a faint hum of quiet conversation. Could it be? People and magic? You pick your pace and round the curve in excitement, only to stop short in awe.

Before you lays a field of echo flowers, each as tall as you, glowing a bright cyan blue, and whispering softly to one another. Standing on top of a slight ridge, you can see they all grow so tightly packed together that they look more like an ocean than a meadow. You think you’d be disappointed you’re still lost if you weren’t so captivated by the surreal beauty of it all.

It occurs to you that this is far from the correct way back to Gerson’s shop, but it’s simultaneously further into Waterfall than you’ve been yet. And from your slight vantage point you think you spy the slightest trace of a warm red glow at the other end of the field reflecting off the tiny waterfalls flowing around the cavern’s edges.

It could just be your eyes playing tricks on you, you remind yourself. Your brain desperately looking for something it wants to see. Or maybe, just maybe, it was a beacon to light the way out.

Once again you find yourself at a crossroads. Literally. Still standing on your little ridge, you debate which path to take. Turn back now and figure out the way back to Gerson’s shop? Or bumble along blindly through the echo flowers to what might be Hotland. You weight the pros and cons of both options. Going forward you can’t get lost; you could just leave an audible trail for you to follow back through the flowers. But if that dim light at the other end of the tunnel isn’t Hotland, what would you do then? Wonder around even longer, getting even MORE off track? Your other choice was to turn back now, find your way back to the main road and have Kid guide you. It would definitely guarantee you wouldn’t get lost again, and assure you had a trusted guide to Hotland, but it would also mean having to be in close proximity to Undyne…

On reflection you don’t know why you thought this would be a hard choice.

You forge head into the flowers without even glancing back.

Undyne wakes up early out of sheer force of habit. Normally the first thing she does in the morning is go for one or two or twenty laps around Waterfall, maybe do twelve dozen pushups or perhaps a couple hundred chin up and a few thousand crunches just to get herself warmed up.

Not today, though. Today she was stuck with babysitting duty.

Sleeping in her armor was uncomfortable, but she had no other choice having worn nothing casual or appropriate to compensate for the heat she generated in her suit underneath the metal exterior.

Groaning, Undyne stretches and yawns. If she acted quickly, she could sprint back home and change into something more suitable for Hotland’s extreme temperatures before she took the punk to their doctor’s appointment. Hell, she’d pretty much have to if she didn’t want to faint from heat stroke as soon as she crossed over into the volcanic region.

Hmm, while she was at home, she might as well grab breakfast. No doubt Gerson would offer to feed her, but she couldn’t impose-

“Undyne!” Kid shouts and frantically raps on her door. “Undyne get up quick! It’s an emergency!”

Undyne is out of bed in less than a second at the sound of Kid’s panicked tone. She opens the door so fast she almost rips it off the hinges.

“What’s wrong? Where’s the danger? Did someone fall down?”

“M-my friend!” Kid hyperventilates, close to tears. “Th-they’re gone!”

“Gone?” Undyne echoes in confusion.

“I-I woke up because I h-had to go to the bathroom, a-and noticed they w-weren’t on the couch!” Kid stammers. “I ch-checked the whole house, b-but they’re not here!”

Shit. Fuck. The ONE time she lets her guard down and looks the other way, the brat goes AWOL on her. After all those crocodile tears they shed last night? She should have known it was all a ruse! She should have guessed it was all a trick!

“Undyne,” Kid says solemnly as she searches for her helmet. “They were really upset yesterday after Napstablook told them their mom wasn’t coming. They became completely detached, a-and I couldn’t help but think of my sister because she gets that way sometimes too when she’s really upset.”

He looks at her, serious, worried. Undyne’s anger drains away to actual dread.

“Wh-what if they ran away to-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” Undyne orders. “We’ll find them, okay? They don’t know their way around Waterfall. They can’t have gone far.”

“But they could have been gone for hours by now! A-and it’s not really hard to find a way to… disappear in Waterfall…”

Kid had a point. The punk may not know Waterfall very well but they did know how to get to the dump where bottomless drop offs could sweep you away without a trace. Kid drawing a parallel to Alphys hits too close to home for her, and for a moment she put her in their shoes. Nobody, human or monster, should ever be forced to conclude the only solution to a problem like that is to remove themselves from the equation.

“Kid, go wake Gerson,” Undyne orders as she adjusts the fit of her boots. “Tell him what you told me. I’m gonna call your sister to check if she’s seen anything then I’ll go check the dump.”

“Got it!” Kid nods and runs off down the hall.

Alphys almost doesn’t pick up when Undyne calls her from Gerson’s phone. It was an unholy hour in the morning to be calling someone, so she should have figured, but on her fourth redial Undyne finally gets through.

“Hello?” the lizard answers groggily, her voice slurring like a drunk.

“Alphys! It’s me!”

“Oh, Undyne!” Alphys perks up, suddenly sounding a lot more sober. “What a surprise! I n-never expected you to call so early.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured. But that’s not important right now! The punk ran away again last night! I need your help to find them.”

“W-w-what?! They’re gone!? But why? D-do you think it was a ploy? Do you think they sleep walk? Gosh, I decide to take one little nap and I miss something big! Oh why did I think resting my eyes was a good idea!”

“Alphys, focus! I need you to look back through your security tapes to tell me which way they could have gone.”

“C-can do, Undyne! B-but it might take me a while-”

“That’s okay. I’m gonna circle the dump a couple of times then come back to Gerson’s to check again, but if you find out anything, call back here right away, got it?”

“Uh, o-okay? I don’t see what good it will do calling back if you’re not here, b-but will do, Undyne! Bye!”

The line goes dead and Undyne hangs up the receiver just as Kid makes his way back into the room.

“Yo! I told Gerson like you asked! He said he’d go check the neighborhood.”

“Good job, Kid. I’m heading out now. I’ll be back in a few.”

“Wait!” Kid interrupts her before she could leave. “What about me? What am I supposed to do?”

“You ,” Undyne says, lightly poking him in the chest. “Are gonna wait here and listen for any phone calls. I asked your sister to look through the security footage of last night. If she finds any clues that can tell us where the punk went, she’s gonna call back here and I need someone here to answer her.”

“But-! They’re my friend, Undyne! I can’t just sit around here waiting! I should be out there searching with you! I want to help too!”

“You will be helping, Kid! When your sister calls back here, come find me and tell me immediately, okay? In the meantime, I can’t have two children getting lost on my watch. Got it?”

Frowning, Kid averts his eyes, but stays silent. It was clear to Undyne he didn’t like being left behind, but he reluctantly did what he was told.

“Kid, I’ll probably be back before your sister even gets a chance to call me. And when I do come back, we can go look for them together, alright?”

Kid nods halfheartedly and stays put. Undyne watches him for a second before turning out the door. She didn’t have time to linger. She had a human to find.

Kid watches Undyne hurry out the door. Gerson wasn’t far behind, though his pace was much less urgent. He hobbled like he had all the time in the world, wearing lazy smile on his face like he was going for an early morning stroll instead of looking for a lost person.

Kid wouldn’t deny he was the least bit annoyed. His friend was lost and maybe scared and definitely hurting in more ways than one, and yet the old tortoise was moving like a… well, like a tortoise!

Kid pouts. He couldn’t stay here tapping his tail and waiting for news to come to him! He had to be out there! Searching like the others! Not all monsters in Waterfall were as friendly as Gerson or Undyne. He had to find them before they got hurt! Or worse, before they hurt themselves.

The phone rings. Kid jumps to his feet immediately and answers before the first chime even finishes.

“Sis?”

“K-kid? W-what are you doing at Gerson’s shop? Do Mom and Dad know you’re there?”

“I spent the night here! But that’s not important. Did you find my friend?”

“I… Yes-! Well, yes and no-, I mean- I know which way they went but I don’t know where they are n-now.”

“Well tell me what you do know,” Kid asks, his tail thumping in irritation. “Undyne told me to relay any news to her so we can find them as fast as we can!”

“My tapes s-say they left the shop around three a.m. this morning, and they went East into E-echo Flower Forest. They still must be in there, though. I don’t have any cameras in the forest bec-cause it’s too dark, but they didn’t come back out and I haven’t seen them cross over into Hotland yet.”

Kid goes silent on the line. Echo Flower Forest was just down the road! He could catch up to them within minutes!

“Kid? You still there?”

“I’m still here,” Kid answers distantly. “Thanks for all your help, sis. I’m gonna go after them.”

“Kid! No! Stay where you are! Let Undyne take care of it!”

“I can’t, Alphys! They’re my friend and they need me! And I’m gonna be there for them!” Kid argues fervently before calming his temper. “Don’t worry, sis. I know Waterfall inside and out! I’ll be okay, and we’ll both be in Hotland before you know it! Alright?”

“Kid! Don’t-!” But Kid never heard his sister finish her sentence as he put the phone on the receiver and scampered out the door.

Two laps around the junk yard and Undyne returns to Gerson’s shop with nothing to show for it.

The fact that she didn’t have any proof that the punk had gone to the garbage dump should have been reassuring for her, but sadly it wasn’t. Just because she didn’t find anything, didn’t prove that the kid hadn’t gone that way. If anything, it only proved that they had left no trace behind.

The phone is ringing when she steps into the back room and Undyne is quick to answer.

”-pick up this time, please pick up this time, please pick up this time, please-”

“Alphys?” Undyne speaks up over the scientist’s nervous mantra.

“Undyne! Oh thank God you answered! I feel like I’ve been trying to get through for ages!”

“Sorry about that,” Undyne apologizes. Where the hell was Kid? She thought he’d agree to answer the phone for her. Ugh! She knew she should have made him promise to stay out!

”Undyne, listen, I know which way the human went, but you need to catch up to them quick!”

“Why? Which way did they go?”

”East. Very deliberately it seems, but they haven’t reached your arena yet. My brother ran after them.”

East. Undyne mentally exhales in relief. That was towards Hotland, and the exact opposite direction of the dump and it’s many bottomless drop offs.

“We did tell them they have a doctor’s appointment with you today. You think they’re on their way to you?”

”I… well, I don’t know about that, but Mettaton knows there in the Underground now, and if the human does get as far as Hotland without you, things are probably going to go south real quick. I told him not to tell the rest of the Underground, but you know how he can’t keep a secret!”

“Right. I’m on it. I’ll catch up to them and keep that robotic nuisance at bay.”

The warrior hangs up the receiver, retreats from the shop, and jogs into the forest.

Echo flowers, as it turns out, do not make good trail markers.

The flowers grow so close together, that if you tried to whisper a message in one, it wasn’t long before the little plant shared its tidbit with the twenty flowers around it. How would you be able to follow your path back if every flower in the marsh said the same thing?

You tried to find a work around; whispering extra softly, speaking to only the most secluded flowers, but each blossom turned out to be a terrible gossip, swaying and bending as if weighed down by the secret spoken to it and just itching to pass it on.

You give up rather quickly when you realize this won’t work and instead try to focus on memorizing the snippets of conversation the flowers already carried. And while you’re positive that the flowers must have distorted some of the dialog over time, you can’t help but feel like some of their messages are a bit… ominous.

“Be… ware…” Whispers one flower, bowing to your ear.

Your hair stands on end. Beware of what? Pssh, no, there’s nothing to beware of here. There’s only flowers around you as far as you can see.

”Watch… out…” Another flower sighs.

A shiver runs down your spine, and your palms start to sweat. You remind yourself it’s just old, repeated words the plants are saying, nothing to be afraid of. Still, you find yourself glancing over your shoulder. You swear you saw something move out of the corner of your eye…

”It’s… coming!” A third flower warns and you think you hear a twig snap. You spin around, slapping yourself in the face with the ears of your hat in the process. The grass rustles up ahead. Your heart is pounding. Something’s out there.

“H-hello?” You call out, your voice shockingly loud compared to the muted voices of the flowers.

”Hello?” “Hello?” “Hello?” the flowers echo back.

The shifting grass stops. Maybe it was just a breeze. Or maybe the other person heard you and doesn’t want you to know that they’re there.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you begin to back away… as slowly… as carefully… as you can, never taking your eyes off the last place you saw the flower stalks bend and sway. All around you, the flowers feel like they’ve gone silent.

You take a step… and then another… and then another… and then your back hits something solid.

You scream and jump. The solid thing screams and jumps. You whip around and find-!

“Kid?” you blurt out, gasping as the startled lizard picks himself up off the floor. He blinks at you a bit, his pupils wide in surprise.

“Y-yo! Hey! I found you!” His face breaks out into an enormous grin. “Dude, you’re alright! Oh, man, we were so worried!” He head-butts you on your good side. “I thought-! I thought you snuck out do go do something stupid… Why’d you run away, bro?”

“I… I didn’t mean to,” you say. “I had a… bad dream and went for a walk to take my mind off it, and ended up getting lost. Sorry for making you worry.”

“It’s alright, dude! I’m just glad to know you’re safe. C’mon, we can head back to Undyne and-“

“No!” you shout reflexively. “I… I can’t go back to Undyne, Kid. She’s dangerous.”

“Well, of course she’s dangerous. She’s the Captain of the Royal Guard! That’s why we should stick with her through the rest of Waterfall, and-“

“No, Kid,” you try to explain. “She’s dangerous to me. Yesterday on the bridges… and when we were sparring… I don’t know why, but I think she was trying to hurt me. I know she was.”

Kid’s face goes from curious to concerned.

“But… why would she want to do that? You’re a kid like me, not a criminal. In fact, she’s out looking for you right now!”

You can feel your face visibly blanch at the thought of Undyne hunting you down. Kid sees it too.

“I dunno, but… do you think you could just show me the rest of the way to Hotland? We’re already pretty far, right? We can do it without Undyne’s help, can’t we?”

“Y-yeah…” Kid says slowly. “It’s just two more rooms after this. Follow me.”

“Thank you,” you say, relieved, and fall in line with Kid as he guides you through the flowers.

Undyne summons a spear to light her way. The glowing green javelin casts long shadows in the forest and illuminates the eyes of the night creatures hidden in the thicket, watching her with care.

She combs the woods but comes up with neither the human nor the royal scientist’s little brother. After deeming the area clear, she turns towards the meadow, home to the namesake of Echo Flower Forest.

Standing on the rise, she scans over the flowers’ tops, searching for any sign of movement. Even from up here she can hear the eerie sounds of the flowers’ chatter.

Ugh. She hated this room. She always had. Detached voices talking to no one wasn’t cool, it was creepy. The flowers sounded more like wailing spirits who failed to pass on rather than recordings of people she knew. She could never understand the other kids’ fascination with them.

Cautiously, the warrior begins to pick her way down into marsh. Her feet sink into the bog, swamp water sucking at her heavy metal boots like drowning hands trying to drag her down with them. When she steps into a particularly soggy patch of bog, Undyne has to stop to yank her foot free, all the while the flowers whine and moan around her.

”Where are you? Where are you?” a flower asks on repeat when she lurches her foot free. Sweat beads on her brow. The voice sounded like a kid, but warped by time, the words sounded haunting.

”I’m over here,” another flower responds, as Undyne tries to circumvent the plants and their spooky game of telephone.

”Come find me!” a third flower teases a ways off. Undyne makes a point not head towards it, and instead approaches a quieter patch to calm her rapid pulse.

”Ssshhhhh!” several flowers hiss at her at once when she bumps into them. Startled, the warrior flinches and staggers back, right into a cluster that explodes with laughter when she stumbles.

Panting, Undyne’s one eye darted around. Throat dry and scales clammy, she found she couldn’t calm her nerves. This was starting to be a bit too much. These freaky flowers needed to shut up quick before she decided to some weed whacking with her lance.

There’s a scream off in the distance and Undyne almost launches clean out of her armor. That scream wasn’t from a flower, though. It was real, it was close, and it sounded familiar.

Straining her ears, Undyne pin points the source. It’s half way across the field. Putting her feelings about the unsettling flowers aside, Undyne charges fourth towards the noise, summoning a spear at the ready. When she catches a flash of Kid’s yellow scales, she puts on a burst of speed and practically explodes from the flowers before him.

“Kid!” She shouts, her voice quaking with alarm. She quickly toughens her tone to hide her fear, not wanting to look weak in front of anybody, especially him. “I thought I told you to wait at Gerson’s for me! Don’t you know how dangerous it is to wonder off!”

“U-undyne!” Kid startles, tripping over himself as he turns around. It’s then Undyne notices the human cowering by his side, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible. “I-I’m sorry, but I couldn’t stand waiting around doing nothing! I had to-!”

“YOU!” the royal guard interrupts and turns on the human. “What were you thinking running away last night?!”

“I-I wasn’t-“

“Damn right you weren’t!” Undyne cuts them off. “Do you know how dangerous that was? How worried you made everyone?”

“I’m sorry,” they whimper. “I didn’t mean to.”

“So why’dja do it then?!”

“I-“

Undyne catches the punk’s eyes flick from hers to her spear and she notices something that wasn’t there a before; a new sort of wariness, a new type of caution. Now why would that be there if the punk had accidentally got lost?

“I had a nightmare and accidentally wandered into the woods,” they say, not looking at her. Undyne narrows her eye suspiciously.

They’re lying.

“Well your little stunt certainly wasted most of my morning.” Undyne scoffs. “Might as well keep going to Hotland since we’re already eighty percent there.”

“Sorry,” the brat apologizes again, and starts to move to the back of the line.

“Oh, no you don’t, punk. You should walk in front. That way I can make sure you don’t get lost again.”

The human swallows, the apprehension clear on their face, but they move to the front without arguing. Kid joins them to lead the way.

The air is tense between the three of them as they march in silence, fueled by the glares Undyne sends out that boar into the back of the human’s skull. She doesn’t notice her own blatant staring, though, too lost in her thoughts trying to puzzle together the punk’s behavior.

They were lying about having a nightmare and roaming off. So did that mean she was initially right? Had they intentionally tried to sneak away? Was it all a big act? Undyne grinds her teeth together. There still wasn’t enough proof, but her misgivings were growing. She needed to expose them once and for all, and she needed to do it quick.

Kid tries to make conversation to lighten the mood.

“Oh man! I can’t wait for you to meet my sister! She’s the smartest monster in the Underground and a doctor! I bet she’ll be able to make you better in ten seconds flat!” he boasts, puffing out his chest with pride.

“Do you really think your sister can fix my shoulder?” the brat asks.

“Of course she can, squirt!” Undyne pipes up from her daze, insulted that anyone would dare doubt Alphys and ready to defend her honor. “Alphys can do anything she sets her mind to! That’s why she’s the royal scientist! She’s the best!”

Kid smirks and gives the punk a “can you believe this?” kind of look.

“Yeah, you and my sister are really close, aren’t you Undyne?” he asks. “What else is she good at?”

“Everything!” Undyne answers definitively. “Alphys is, like, the third most knowledgeable person on humans in all the Underground, plus she’s responsible for bring us the UnderNet connection and hooking up every monster with cell phone by building them out the spare parts she finds in the dump! She’s taught me everything I need to know when encountering humans.”

“Sounds like you really like her,” the brat says carefully, testing the waters for safe places to tread.

“Well, DUH! Who wouldn’t like Alphys? She’s wicked smart and passionate about her work! She has dedication and drive! I’m surprised she’s not constantly having to step over monsters who come to bask in her glory!”

“Wow, have you told her any of this?” Kid says. “Imagine how cool it would be to see the captain of the Royal Guard date my sister! You’d be like, my in-law! That would be SO COOL!”

At that, Undyne blushes and falters. “Ha, ha! Y-yeah, Kid. Wouldn’t that be something. Unfortunately I’m probably not what Alphys is looking for.”

“What makes you say that?” the brat asks, genuinely curious.

“Alphys is just so…! Out of my league! She probably wants to date someone who has a quadruple digit IQ like her, or someone who can reverse engineer a particle accelerator or something. She’s probably looking for someone more her speed if she’s looking at all.”

“Well, let’s just ask her what she’s looking for when we get to Hotland.” Kid suggests, skipping ahead a few paces as the forest thins back into bare caverns. “I bet you two have some common interests.”

“Yeah, of course we do!” Undyne exclaims indignantly as the trio exit the field of flowers and onto a rickety old bridge spanning across a chasm.

“Really? Like what?”

“Like anime!” The warrior scoffs and raises her head high. “It’s the epitome of human behavior and Alphys has all the best kinds! She’s let me watch them all and everything I’ve learned about human culture I’ve learned from those documentaries!”

“Oh, that’s neat,” The punk says as Undyne’s training arena comes into view. Hotland isn’t even visible yet she already feels like she’s being cooked alive. “I’ve never heard of anime before. Maybe you can show me one before I go back home with the King?”

“Right!”

Wait. The King? That’s right, this punk was on their way to infiltrate the King’s castle and she had almost lead them right to the front door! RAUGH! How could she have been so stupid?! Yet again this human found a way to weasel past her defenses and mess with her mind! And by getting her to go on about Alphys of all things!

This was the third time they’ve gotten into her head! There was no way she could let this thing go to Hotland where she couldn’t follow! She couldn’t let them reach Asgore!

“No.”

Kid and the brat are half way across the bridge when she utters the word, low and cold.

Kid stops first when he notices Undyne has stopped following.

“Undyne?” he cocks his head. “Is something the matter?”

Instead of a response, Undyne charges, calling forth a long spear to catapult over Kid and onto the bridge. The wooden planks buck and shudder and the human and Kid are knocked off their feet.

The punk instinctively throws out their arms to catch themselves and yelp when they hit their bad side. Tears prick the corners of their eyes.

“You’ve distracted me for the last time, punk.”

“U-Undyne?”

“Don’t move. I’m not letting you progress any farther, especially not to Asgore.”

Behind her, Kid blinks in a daze and rolls over to push himself up. Unaware of his surroundings, one foot slips off the edge of the bridge. He inhales sharply and lets out a strangled cry as his lower half slides off the edge, his feet kicking but finding no purchase.

“H-help! Dude! Undyne! I-I’m slipping!”

The brat’s head snaps down to Kid and their face goes white as snow.

“Undyne. Kid’s falling. Quick, you’re closer; you’ve got to help him!”

“Like I’d turn my back on you!” Undyne growls. “You can’t trick me anymore! We settle this here and now!”

“Undyne, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” They plead, desperate and angry.

Kid’s struggling becomes more frantic as his torso gives away, leaving him hanging on his chin.

“D-dudes! Help! I can’t hold on much longer!”

“I’ll be with you in a second, Kid! I have to deal with them first!” Undyne calls over her shoulder, without taking her eye off her target. She readies her stance. “So what’s it gonna be, punk? Fight or flee?”

“Neither!” The human shouts at her. “Undyne what are you doing!? Kid’s going to fall!”

Undyne narrows her eye, calculating her opponent. Now that she’s separated them from their living shield the brat had only two options; fight here or run away. And judging by their posture they looked ready to sprint. Undyne bites back a smile. The second they’d move, she’d let their spear fly.

“I-I’m losing my grip!” Kid cries.

The punk meets her gaze one final time, and just like she predicted, the kid bolts, and Undyne unleashes her spear.

Except, the brat didn’t run away like she hoped. They ran toward her.

The miscalculation means Undyne’s spear completely misses its mark and harmlessly sails over the human’s head as they dive between her legs like a base runner.

“HEEELP!”

Without thinking, they lurch their left arm forward and manage to snag Kid’s sweater just as his hold on the edge gives away.

All of his weight drops down on their bad arm at once. There’s a sickening pop! heard by all three, and the human shouts, short and sharp before biting down on their tongue and their pupils shrink to pin points.

Tears running down their cheeks, the punk grabs a fist full of Kid’s shirt with their other hand, braces their left foot against the wood, and reels themselves backwards, hauling kid back up in the process.

For several heartbeats nobody moves or says anything. Undyne stares in shock as the two kids take a moment to do nothing but breathe.

“You… saved my skin,” Kid pants, still trembling form the ordeal. “That sound your shoulder made wasn’t pretty. You okay, dude?”

The human nods, not looking up from their hands and knees. After what feels like an eternity, they manage to raise their head and look over at Undyne. Their expression makes her freeze.

Undyne is used to monsters looking upon her like she’s the sun itself. She’s also used to monsters looking at her with hatred or fear.

But she can’t recall someone ever looking at her completely disgusted.

The punk seethes and stands up to their full height, not breaking eye contact with her for a second. Was it finally happening? The battle the brat had strived to avoid? Where they now finally going to give in and fight? Finally done running away and hiding behind shields were they?

Raw magic crackled at the warrior’s finger tips, waiting to be shaped. The human inhaled.

“Undyne,” The human says clear and commanding, no longer a trace of fear in their voice. The magic thickened in Undyne’s palm. Here it comes.

“I’m sorry, alright?”

Wait- what.

“Whatever I did to make you hate me, I apologize, okay?”

What? No, this isn’t what was supposed to happen. They were supposed to charger her, lash out, and fight her with their true strength. What are they doing? Another ruse? Another scheme?

“I know I can’t make everyone like me,” the punk goes on, their fingers curling into fists. “I kept trying to get on your good side, but I can see now you’re not gonna let that happen no matter what I do. So, fine! Go ahead and hate me then! But don’t let other people get hurt because of whatever you have against me!”

They stare each other down for a bit, but as hard as Undyne searches, she can’t find even the smallest hint of an ulterior motive in their gaze. The punk was exposing themselves here and now with all they had, completely honest for all to see.

Their hands are shaking when they finish their speech, and they clench and unclench their fingers in distress. Kid tiptoes up to their side and tentatively nudges their arm. The touch is enough to make the tension leave their shoulders and they exhale, bushed.

“Undyne, thank you for getting me this far to Hotland, but I think Kid and I can make it from here. C’mon, Kid. Let’s go.”

The human passes Undyne without so much as a second glance while Kid looks over his shoulder with a mixture of pity and disbelief. He turns away when he catches her staring and hangs his head.

She can’t understand. Why wouldn’t they retaliate? The punk had the perfect time to strike, but instead they’re acting like… like...!

Like how a monster would act…

And all the while she kept attacking first the way the humans had.

“Punk… wait,” Undyne calls after them, reaching out a hand to grab them by the shoulder. The human stops, eyeing her skeptically. They don’t say anything, waiting for her to speak.

“I’m… I’m sorry too,” Undyne admits. “All this time I thought you were lying about who you were… pretending to be someone else. I can see now that was never the case and I misjudged you. Can you… can you forgive me?”

The punk looks away, their lips drawn into a thin line, as their fists curl and uncurl, and Undyne realizes that they have to actually think about their answer.

“How about… a truce instead?” they offer after the silence dragged on to uncomfortable levels. “I’ll stay out of your way if you stay out of mine. I’ll go to the King and back to the Ruins and you’ll never have to see or hear from me again. Would that make you happy?”

Undyne looks down, crestfallen. They weren’t exactly forgiving her, but she guessed she deserved it.

“Deal,” she sighs halfheartedly.

“Thank you… for the apology.” They tell her. “And I’m sorry we couldn’t be better friends. Maybe we’ll get it right next time.”

“Yeah…” Undyne exhales and gets to her feet. Geez, even from here she can feel the heat from Hotland. She can’t go any farther than this without roasting alive in this tin can she calls armor. She’d better start heading back home before she became an actual fish stick.

Undyne lingers back as the two friends head off through her arena and into the next district. Sans should be waiting at his station to meet them like he said he would, but knowing him Undyne figures she’d better call ahead just in case.

Gerson is there to greet her when she returns to his shop.

“So! Any luck?” he asks, not particularly waiting on the edge of his seat.

“Yeah…” Undyne says.

“Well you could have fooled me! That’s not exactly the tone of someone who successfully found a lost person. How’d it go?”

“I… They’re on their way to Hotland.”

“What’s that?” Gerson teases, cupping his hand to his ear. “Did you say that you, the renowned Undyne, let her quarry get away?”

“No, I intentionally let them go. Sans was right.” Undyne says moving closer to the phone. She takes the receiver but hesitates to call the number. “Gerson, do you think I made the right choice?” She asks her old mentor.

“Hm, let me answer your question with another question,” Gerson says. “What makes you doubt you made a wrong one?”

“Well, for starters I watched them risk their life save another monster that they barely knew for two days, and then, even though I know they were scared, they stood up to me for not doing anything.” She gives the old tortoise a sheepish look. “They were more upset that someone else almost got hurt than they were worried about themselves getting hurt. How many other monsters do you know who are like that?”

The warrior sighs and rubs her neck. “The way they looked at me after they saved Kid… They knew I was out to get them in the end. They may not have known why, but they knew I was, and in the end when they had the choice fight they decided to speak. When they had the option to run, they chose to stay and help… When they looked at me, for a second I didn’t know who the real bad guy was.”

“Well, it sounds like to me you made the right choice then,” Gerson says sympathetically.

“But Gerson, they’re the last piece we need to set all of monsterkind free! Is it right to deny the emancipation of thousands solely because one human turns out to be good? Did I just damn us all to be trapped in the Underground even longer because I saw something that resonated with me in the eyes of one child?”

“Do you feel damned, Undyne?”

“What? No... I don’t think so.”

“Well, then neither will anyone else once they all get to know this kid, so you needn’t worry.”

“I do feel guilty, though,” Undyne confesses.

“What for?”

“For almost killing someone who’s a better monster than I am.”

The old tortoise nods knowingly and lets the conversation drop. Undyne turns towards the wall and dials her sentry’s number.

Sans almost didn’t hear his phone ring underneath all the barking. Struggling to get out of the five leads, he frees up his hand and pulls out his cell from his coat pocket. The phone almost falls up into the snow but he manages to catch it in time. Once free of the muffling fabric, the ringtone sang loud and clear.

♫A turtle lives in water, a tortoise lives on land, a turtle's not tortoise, it’s not hard to understand♪

Oh that’s weird. Why is Gerson calling?

Bringing the phone up to his skull, Sans thumbs the screen and hits “accept call”.

“Yeah?”

”I couldn’t do it.”

Sans isn’t sure if it’s the fact that Undyne answered or if it’s her word choice that makes him say; “Come again?”

”The kid. The human. You were right. They don’t have a clue about who they are. You won.”

“That’s what Paps and I have been trying to say this whole time,” Sans says, following up with a muffled (“Hey! You! Cut it out! Leave the mail carrier alone!”) If Undyne had heard she didn’t say so.

”Anyway, Kid and the punk are headed to your station. You should see them in a couple of minutes. Make sure they get to Alphys in one piece, okay?”

“Gee, I’d love to Undyne, really, but -ngfh!- I’m not at my post right now.”

”What? What do you mean you’re not at your post?! Being a sentry is your fucking job!”

“I know, I know, but I, uh, really screwed the pooch yesterday when I forgot I made a certain promise and then got some visitors at my station. And instead of letting sleeping dogs lie, they made me hightail it back to Snowdin and now I’m a little tied up compensating with some overdue quality time with the canine guard unit.”

”SANS, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, BUT I CAN TELL WHEN YOU’RE MAKING PUNS, SO YOU’D BETTER CUT IT OUT RIGHT NOW OR YOU’RE FIRED!” Undyne rages. “Just… when do you think you’ll be able to return to your station?”

“That depends. How long does it take to walk five dogs? That’s not a set up for a joke, by the way. I’ve been on this walk for hours. Please, send help.” Sans can practically hear Undyne rubbing her temples as she exhales into the receiver.

“I’ll be over there in a few. Just give me a minute to grab some squeaky toys.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be… hanging around.”

”That better have not been a visual gag. I can’t even see you right now.”

“…”

”Oh my God, it was, wasn’t it?”

“Maybe.”

”Sans! If I arrive in Snowdin and find you LITERALLY TIED UP, I will terminate you on the spot!”

“Oh, come on, Undyne. Haven’t you barked up the wrong tree enough for one day?”

“YOU’RE THREATENING TO MAKE PAPYRUS AN ONLY CHILD, SANS!”

“I kid, I kid,” Sans chuckles. “See you in a few, Undyne.”

With that, Sans ends the call. He turns his head to focus on the five dogs intently circling the base of a tree, upside down in his field of view. Their leashes have tangled into one giant knot, with Sans hanging off one of the low branches, wrapped up tight like one of Muffet’s customers. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have any blood that could have rushed to his head, or else he would have a major headache from hanging upside down so long in this tether-cocoon the dogs have twisted him up into. The events leading up to this moment had not been quite as funny as the final outcome, but he had tried to make light of it anyway.

“Hey, guys,” Sans whistles to get their attention. “I think that squirrel you all went after is long gone. Mind helping me down now?”

#my writing #you monster #undertale #fan fiction

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fearofaherobrine · 7 years

Text

Roleplay Server Log #139

“Aqua the Water dragon, Cuddle pile”

[gem] -over chat to doc- doc I think my egg is hatching.

[Doc] Shit... Endrea? Can you take care of it? Gem is calling for me.

[Endrea] - I can try...- She's never had to do this before

[Doc] Just make sure they have food and water okay? I'll come right back when I'm done with Gem.

[Endrea] Nods-

[gem] -is in the pond at her home she is keeping the egg near it because the egg was found in water-

-The egg is quivering and squeaking loudly-

[Doc] Is zipping along with the spider pokemon clinging in hir mane-

[Doc] Gem! Where are you?

[gem] i'm in my pond at my house

[Doc] Lands nearby- Lets me see! Oh it's the water one! How exciting!

[gem] -is letting the egg touch the water- I wonder how a dragon egg from in water would be like.

-The egg sends ripples across the water as it shakes-

[Doc] Is tapping hir paws with excitment-

[gem] -is trying to splash water over the egg to help it-

-A crack spider webs across the egg, small pieces begin falling away-

[gem] -watches the egg fall apart in her arms-

[Galvantula] is on Doc's forehead- leaning way over to see the rocking egg

-A small dark blue dragon pops out with a distressed squeak, it has small fins on it's head, a small sail going down part of it's back, two front flippers and to fins towards the end of it's long tail to help guide it through the water-

[Doc] It's beautiful! Like nothing I've ever seen before!

[Galvantula]- ZZZrp!

[gem] -lets the egg into the pond- it's a very pretty dragon

-The dragon easily slips into the water, it's gills pumping hard so it can breath properly-

[Doc] Yeah, I think this one wil have to stay here with us. There isn't enough water on the other seed. Hopefully they don't butt heads with Lapras or bug the shit out of Herabrine.

-It's curiously watching them from under the water-

[gem] -is still standing in the pond- they seem small enough to stay here in the pond for now.

-It slowly raises it's head out of the water with a squeak-

[Doc] Somehow I think that won't last...

[gem] -rubs the dragon's head- yea but by the time the out grow it they will be safer to be let into the ocean not just a new born.

-Spins around in the pond-

[gem] awe you're so cute

[Doc] Of course! Just saying though, they grow up fast.

-It sniffs Gem's feet under the water-

[gem] -sinks into the pond so she is fully under water-

[Doc] Speaks loudly- Well, they need a name so I can hook them to respawn. Shall we pick something gender-neutral since we're not sure what they are yet?

[gem] -still under water- lets name them Aqua.

[Doc] Is already making an anvil tag and clicks it on the sinious shape. - There you go.

[Aqua] Darts away as soon as it's named-

[Doc] Should I throw in some fish?

[gem] -opens her arms to hug Aqua- if you would like.

[Doc] Spawns a couple of plain fish that are much smaller then the baby dragon to be either food or compnay.

[Aqua] Is searching for food and snaps at the fish, gumming on them-

[gem] I think they are too solid for them.

[Doc] We need aquarium flakes... - Xe takes out a fish and makes it fall apart into pixels before scattering a few of them on the surface of the water.

[Aqua] Creates a ring of bubbles around the flakes before darting towards the surface to grab them-

[Doc] Nice trick

[Aqua] Goes to explore their pond more-

[Doc] Makes more flakes and gives them to Gem like a stack of seeds.-

[aven] -come out of the house- what's going ... -see Galvantula then starts screaming- AH!

[gem] -pops out of the water to grab them and see what aven is screaming about-

[Doc] It's okay! My pokemon evolved!

[aven] -is still screaming as she is backing up completely scared of Galvantula-

[Doc] Rears up on hir hinds to keep the spider on hir head way out of reach- Aven! It won't hurt you!

[gem] I don't think she will stop she has a phobia of spiders.

[Aqua] Splashes a little-

[gem] -splashes back-

[aven] -is cowering next to the steps-

[BEN] Comes out and pulls Aven into a hug- Hey, calm down, I'm right here

[aven] -hugs ben tightly- spider.

[BEN] - Shhh it's okay, I'll go kill it, don't I always?

[aven] yes

[BEN] Kisses the top of Aven's head before standing and drawing his sword- Okay, now where did this spider go?

[Doc] Is looking embarassed, the Galvantula just looks at hir upside down and shrugs-

[BEN] - Looks around and finally spots it- Oh...

[Doc] Waves- Hi BEN! Wanna see the new baby dragon? It's super cute.

[BEN] - Oh not another one!

[gem] it's a water dragon -still standing in the water-

[Doc] Chuckles- well we are intending to put them in the pocket game I made, but this one's a bit different. It's going to need to stay here.

[Aqua] Tries to squirt BEN-

[BEN] Shrieks and darts back to Aven-

[Doc] Looks at the baby- That wasn't nice! Shame on you!

[Aqua] Trills-

[gem] Aqua no.

[Aqua] Trills again-

[Doc] Shakes hir head. - On a server full of pastas and griefers, you'll fit right in.

[BEN] - No water, bad water

[gem] no squirting aven or ben aqua. -is talking in a scolding manner-

[Doc] Maybe you should put some glass block walls around the pond just in case.

[Aqua] Does a little jump out of the water-

[Doc] Well at least we know Aqua is healthy.

[gem] I will add enough to help block them from squirting anyone.

[Aqua] Gums on another fish-

[Doc] Tosses out some more flakes-

[Aqua] Noms on them-

[Doc] Cute little bugger. Well... if you've got this in hand, I'm going to scamper. No need to further upset Aven and BEN, it was only haste that caused me to bring Jolti-I mean Galvantula over with me in the first place.

[Aqua] Squirts Gem-

[gem] -doesn't mind the water- I will take care of aqua ben and aven from here.

[Doc] Thank you Gem. - Does a little graceful turn and heads back towards Lie's house.

[Endrea] Between watching her children and tending the animals, the children have taken more time-

[Doc] Comes back into the yard- Are you doing okay Endrea?

[Endrea] - Not so much... I've only got about half of the horses fed

[Doc] Here, I'll help you. - Grabs a hay bale in hir claws and rips it up to distribute the flakes.

-The horses happily begin eating-

[Doc] Is there anything else to do?

[Endrea] - Just the dogs and pigs

[willow] -is once again trying to get into the dog pen-

[oak] -is helping-

[Doc] Bustles about doing as Endrea indicated, the Galvantula helps too, even though the dogs seem a bit afraid of it.

[Endrea] - Willow no! You'll gt hurt!

[willow] -manages to get over the fence and starts to waddle over to the dogs-

[Galvantula] Grabs the baby dragons in it's many limbs and hops back to Endrea with them

[Endrea] - Thank you- She takes her misbehaving child and then remembers that Lie built a pen out front- I'll be right back- She goes and puts both babies in the pen out front of the house

[Doc] Ha. Time for a time-out for naughty little dragons.

[willow] -makes wining squeaks-

[Doc] Thanks for not running your mom ragged like that Ashe

[Endrea] - No Willow, liquid will hurt you and dogs slober a lot

[Ashe] - What does that mean?

[Doc] Making her chase after you until she's really tired.

[willow] -wines more-

[Ashe] - Oh... Can I go see Uncle GG now?

[Doc] Let me write him a note and see what he's doing- starts typing in the chat-

[Doc] - reads the chat- He says he'll come over here.

[Ashe] - Yay!

-There's a bit of a bellow from high up and a gush of wind pushes them all back a little as GK lands with a thump and a huge flap of wings. -

[GK] I heard someone wanted to play?

[Ashe] - UNCLE GG!

[GK] You're talking already? Ashe. I'm impressed.

[Ashe] - I can read too! But we only have two books and mama says we have to stay outside today...

[GK] Really? Dam- I mean shoot! You want to go get more books?

[Ashe] - Yes please!

[Gk] Is it okay for me to take him for a bit Endrea?

[Endrea] - Go ahead, I have to keep an eye on these two anyways

[Gk] Grins- You want to ride me or walk kiddo?

[Ashe] - Ride! Ride!

[Gk] Hunkers down so he can climb up and then puts his head near Endrea to whisper- Don't worry, I'll keep him away from the adult books-

[Endrea] - Thank you

[Lie] Is getting a bit hungry but doesn't want to leave CP by himself-

[Notch] Is reading a book while Stevie naps.

[Stevie] Starts waking up- Father? I'm hungry...

[Notc] Oh, Okay! I'll make us some lunch.

[Stevie] Opens his eyes and makes a distressed noise-

[Notch] What's the matter? Are you sick?

[Stevie] - No no no no no! That's wrong! It's weird!

[Notch] What's weird?

[Stevie] - The hair!

[Notch] Oh! It was a gift from Doc. Don't you like it? I think it looks nice.

[Stevie] - NO! IT'S WEIRD!

[Notch] Oh... don't be like that Stevie. My head was cold, and I don't actually like being bald.

[Stevie] - But it's weird!

[Notch] Slumps a little - I still think it looks nice....

[Stevie] Whines-

[Notch] Then this is an important lesson Stevie. Your appearance should always be what makes you happy. You can't live your life trying to mold yourself to other peoples expectations. It only makes you sad, and it's dishonest.

[Stevie] - But it doesn't look right...

[Notch] You thought your brothers eyes didn't look right either, and you got used to that, didn't you?

[Stevie] Thumps feet on floor as he sits on the bed- Yes...

[Notch] Well there you go. Come on, lets get you some food.

[Stevie] - Okay...

[Doc] Slithers up onto the walkway and changes in the hall before tapping on Lie's door. The Galvantula decides to wait in a nook at the apex of the ceiling.

[Lie] - Come in

[Doc] Comes in quietly. - Are you feeling any better?

[CP] Is still tightly curled up-

[Lie] - There hasn't been much progress, and I'm getting hungry but I don't want to leave him

[Doc] I'll get you some food. Be back in a jiffy - heads back down the hall

[Lie] - Thank you!

[Notch] Is bustling around near the furnace while Stevie eats a sandwich. - Oh hi Doc. Busy day?

[Doc] You have no idea...

[Stevie] - Hi Doc!

[Doc] You're looking chipper Stevie. Having a good day?

[Stevie] - Mmhm! I went and, and, I sheared some sheeps, and I played with Hope too!

[Doc] Aww, did Rose get sheared too?

[Stevie] Shakes head- I tried, but I couldn't catch her

[Doc] She's too small and fast huh? She's a cutie. You guys mind if I use the other furnace? I'm having an idea...

[Notch] Sure, go ahead.

[Doc] Thank you. - Xe pulls out some iron and forms it into a heavy pot and starts rooting around for herbs in the trunks, making a stock with the fish pixels and adding garlic and onion as well, ground into bits between hir gloves.

[Notch] That smells interesting...

[Doc] Maybe good enough to tempt two hungry little cats.

[Stevie] - More kitties?

[Doc] Just your brother and Lie. They're snuggled in their cat shapes.

[Stevie] - Why?

[Doc] Cp had a bad day. She's comforting him.

[Stevie] - Okay

[Doc] You guys want some too? It's a big pot.

[Notch] Sure- holds out two bowls. - You can at least try it Stevie.

[Stevie] - Yes father

[Doc] Gives them each some and divies out the rest into bowls to put the excess away before turning to take some back up to the bedroom.

[Notch] Passes a bowl to Stevie and takes a long drink of his own. - fishy. But good.

[Doc] calls back over hir shoulder- You're welcome-

[Stevie] Takes a sip- Blech!

[Doc] from the next room- I heard that.

[Stevie] Covers his mouth with a hand-

[Notch] Giggles-

[Lie] Is licking CP's head-

[Doc] Comes back in. - I made you guys something special. - Xe sets down a wood block so it's touching the bed near them and sets two bowls of the warm fish soup on top of it.

[CP] Finally lifts his head, his eyes are dim and almost hollow looking-

[Doc] Strokes his head gently. - Come on. I know it hurts, but you can't waste away. Have a little food.

[CP] Lays his head back down-

[Lie] - CP please...

[Doc] Please... we just want to help you.

[CP] Small noises-

[Doc] Lie... you eat. I know you must be starving. I'll keep him warm.

[Lie] Carefully pulls herself away from him so she can eat-

[CP] Has a near panicked expression as his mate starts leaving-

[Doc] Gathers Cp in hir arms and sits cross-legged in front of the bowls. Cp is close enough to touch Lie's tail with his own while she eats. Doc pets him very carefully.

[CP] Just slumps, he has no motivation at all-

[Doc] Scoots a little closer so the other bowl is near enough that he can smell it. - I know you feel cold and sad right now. But making yourself sick and hungry won't help you feel any better.

[CP] Turns away from the food-

[Doc] Is just holding him - I'm sorry Cp. But at least he got to see you one last time, and you know now for sure that he was not the one who tried to kill you.

[CP] His ears flatten a little in guilt-

[Doc] You didn't know. And no one is blaming you.

[CP] He starts crying again-

[Doc] Hugs him close- Just try and focus on everyone who's still here for you. You have a family and people who care about you. You're not alone.

[Lie] Stops eating to lick at CP's face again-

[Doc] Gives him a small kiss on top of the head. - We love you. Don't force yourself to suffer silently, we're here to listen if you want to talk about it.

[CP] Finally makes an effort to move and pulls himself off of Doc's lap and flops onto the bed again-

[Doc] Is that how I motivate you? Just annoy you with love?

[Lie] - A feat only you and TLOT seem capable of achieving

[Doc] Funny, I feel like I'm not doing it intentionally. Maybe because we've both been intimate with him but aren't his actual mate?

[Lie] - Who knows- She's only had about half of her bowl but she returns to CP's side to curl up with him

[Doc] Well if that's all he needs, I can do it easily. Being mad at me certainly seems to get him moving any other time. - Xe does as good of a catloaf as xe can manage in a human body and gets right in the little red cats face. - I love you Cp.

[CP] Tiny grumble-

[Doc] Peppers his head and ears with sweet little kisses- Especially when you're like this, because I can just love on you and theres not squat you can do about it because you're cute and tiny and soft.

[CP] Makes a meek little swat at Doc-

[Doc] Mock scared face- Oh noes! Cp is gonna kick my butt! But wait, he can't cause he's too busy being fluffy and adorable.

[CP] Huffs and slumps, not caring anymore-

[Doc] Goes for the chin scratch.

[CP] Doesn't care-

[Doc] Don't you have a happiness flower Lie? Something to raise his spirits a bit?

[Lie] Hesitates- I have one that I made while very happy... But I don't think it makes others become happier. And I don't think I can get into the right mind set to make one right now...

[Doc] Oh.... well it's probably not a good idea to force someone to not feel something anyway. Dammit... I wish I could talk to him directly.

[Lie] - Could TLOT temporarily connect you mentally? He does have more experience than me...

[Doc] Only if he wanted to make an exchange with me, like he did with you. Somehow I don't think that's appropriate.

[Lie] - Then I have no idea

[Doc] He can't stay a cat forever anyway. Unless that's all he ever wants to be again.

[Lie] - I think we just need to give him time...

[Doc] Well then I'm going to feed him at least. -Xe makes a quick statick hole over Cps belly and pours the soup in before closing it up again.

[CP] - Doesn't even acknowledge that it happens-

[Doc] Sends a message over the chat - Deerheart? Can you teleport to me? I'm inside so please don't change first or you'll bang your head.

[Deer] - Oh, sure- Within a moment she's there, wearing only Doc's spare coat

[Doc] Oh, Deerheart... you look way too good in just my coat. But what's needed is a gentle touch. Cp's had a death in the family, he's very upset. I know you can understand the hostile mobs at least, can you try and get through to him?

[Deer] - Me? Wha... What would I be finding out?

[Doc] Just talk to him. I can't listen to him in this shape and there's a good chance he doesn't want to talk to me anyway. He's just.... very sad. He found his real father just in time to see the poor man glitch out of existence moments later.

[Deer] - Oh CP...- She crawls onto the bed and lays curled near the red cat, she reaches out and gently pets him- CP? Please talk to us...

[CP] - Nothing to say...

[Deer] - There has to be something to say...

[Doc] I know your head is full, that's why you've gone so quiet. Let it out. You'll feel better.

[CP] - I'll be fine...

[Deer] Can't help but smirk a little- Well at least your catch phrase is still going strong

[Doc] I'm glad you kept what he gave you, you have something to remember the good times by.

[CP] - But Stevie has nothing...

[Deer] - Now that can't be true. Stevie probably has something from him too...

[Doc] Stevie has Markus. And Markus will gladly take your father's place. Even if it's only until Stevie isn't a child anymore. Stevie also has you. You're his hero Cp.

[CP] Scoffs- Some hero I've been...

[Doc] You've been protecting him since the potion hit him. His face lights up when you come in the room. He loves you, worships you. As far as he's concerned you can do no wrong.

[CP] Curls up tighter- Just leave me the fuck alone...

[Deer] - CP...

[Doc] The Ais told me something interesting Cp. A name, someone your father was protecting. Does the name Flux mean anything to you?

[CP] Ears flick back- I think I vaguely recall him saying that name once when he thought we were asleep...

[Doc] I think she might be your mother. And theres a chance that she, as we suspect Deerheart may be, was or is; a creation of your home server in response to your fathers loneliness before you were made.

[CP] This catches CP's attention-

[Deer] - Someone.... Like me?

[Doc] Perhaps, and the sooner you're up and around the sooner we can go back to your home server to search for code traces.

[CP] Tail flicks a little-

[Doc] I don't know about you guys, but I'm excited by the prospect either way

[CP] - We'll see...

[Doc] Tiny quirk of a smile - At least I have your attention. Curious cat.

[CP] - Shut it

[Doc] Ah a little flicker of flame from the ashes, that's encouraging.

[Deer] Flops on their bed- Well I don't know about you Doc, but I'm rather comfy here

[Doc] Yeah I was kind of contemplating a nap. These two would probably enjoy the warmpth. Shame the room isn't bigger.

[Lie] - Hey, I like small spaces

[Doc] Thats' because your second form is adorable and small my crafty little floof.

[Lie] Sticks her little tongue out-

[Doc] Ack! Deerheart she attacking me with cute! I'm slain! - Flops with hir tongue out

[CP] Sighs and curls into Lie again-

[Deer] Laughs- Oh dear, what ever shall I do?

[Doc] Be even cuter! Avenge me!

[Deer] - I can't and you know it

[Doc] Awww, curses! Actually.... You guys stay here, I'll be right back. -gets up and leaves the room

[Deer] - Hm?

[Doc] There's some shuffling and the sound of someone going outside and coming back in. Doc returns with a lot of small noises and a full armload of squirming creatures and the Galvantula on hir heels. The very confused Vulpix is dumped on the bed along with Rose, Hope, the baby wither and Cp's chain chomp.

[Hope] Immediately scampers over to Lie to snuggle with her-

[Rosebud] Bleets and stands shakily on the bed-

[Doc] Gently herds everyone into comfy positions on the bed.

[Notch] pokes his head in - Uh Doc? Why did you bring a sheep into the house? - Notices Deerheart nearly naked- NEVERMIND. I'll leave you to it!

[Chomp] Bounces happily around the bed-

[Doc] Guides Deerheart down so they're both snuggling the cats between them. - There you go Cp. You're surrounded by love.

[CP] - This is not very comfortable...

[Doc] Is it because I'm next to you?

[CP] - Partially

[Doc] Nothings perfect, go to sleep Cp. Lie is right there so you don't have an excuse this time.

[CP] Grumbles but presses closer to Lie-

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raithlyn · 7 years

Text

A Day in Absalom

Algac was sitting at the bar again when Kevin returned from the tent city. The way he was bent over Kevin was at first concerned that he was drinking again, but he soon realized the gnome was deeply engrossed in a stack of parchment.

Kevin walked up behind, trying to catch a glimpse of what he was studying. "Aren't we being industrious this morning," he teased.

Algac sat up and closed a leaf over his papers, but not before Kevin spotted the royal seal of Mendev embossed at the corner. "More productive than haircuts, I'd wager," the gnome returned.

Kevin chuckled. "Its not every day one gets the chance to meet royalty."

"True, but it's hardly the first time either." Kevin hummed in acknowledgement, and Algac cocked an eyebrow mischieviously. "That's right, you've never held audience with Queen Galfrey, have you? And you're planning on going like that?"

Kevin grimaced and absently touched the bruise on the side of his face. "I highly doubt I'm going to be able to find a good tailor on short notice here in Drezen. At least, not one that still has any stock."

"You could always pop back to Absalom for the day. The movers are keeping the portal open until 9."

Kevin blinked. "I hadn't considered that," he admitted.

"Well, there you have it," said Algac, returning to his papers. "You know Kevin, I wanted to ask you something."

Kevin shifted his weight more comfortably and motioned his friend to go on.

"Irabeth came this morning. They're offering me a promotion, and a new short-term assignment. Real upper level stuff. It would be a great opportunity, not to mention good for my career..."

"And?" Kevin prompted when Algac paused. "Is there a downside?"

"Well, it would mean leaving you unsupervised, for one..."

Kevin chuckled. "With Ariana," he added.

Algac's face began to grow red with anger, but Kevin laughed and waved him off before he could say anything. "It was a jest, nothing more. I would never attempt to get between the two of you. But I understand the sentiment; you're a staunch ally."

Algac calmed down and nodded, running his fingers over the parchment in thought. "I wish this wasn't so hard a call."

"I think you should go for it," encouraged Kevin. "You said the assignment is only temporary, right? I'm sure we can keep ourselves out of trouble for a few weeks, at least."

Algac looked at Kevin with skepticism. "Somehow I doubt that."

"Don't worry about it, Algac," Kevin grinned. His smile turned more reassuring, and he placed a hand on the gnome's back. "I'll keep them safe," he promised.

The gnome nodded appreciatively, then cleared his throat. "You'd best get a move on. Knowing you it'll take the whole day to find something sufficiently fancy to please your pampered self."

"It might, at that!" Kevin folded his hands behind his head and sauntered out the door. He took a deep breath - the air was still acrid with smoke, and a chill had settled in with the promise of a winter storm.

A flash of color caught his eye, and he turned to see Arueshalae mid-spin, performing acrobatic maneuvers with her bow. She would run up against the wall of the inn and kick herself backwards, flipping up in the air, to fire her bow at a target placed some distance back. She would land with a roll and come up with bow outstretched, as if to block. Kevin nodded appreciatively; the force of the roll would leave her vulnerable if there was an enemy that rushed in to take the space, so it was a good call to anticipate the block. Her free hand then swept upward with her starknife, to take advantage of the invisible enemy's stagger. Arueshalae then rose and deftly spun back into position to repeat the exercise.

Kevin watched her for another round, noting the perfection of her movements earned through evident practice. He applauded.

Arueshalae rose to her feet as Kevin approached, looking nonplussed.

"Excellent form," complimented the swordsman.

Arueshalae smirked. "You do seem to enjoy watching it."

Kevin gave a conceding nod. "And what are you up to this fine day, Shal?" The succubus winced at the nickname, and Kevin laughed. "If you dislike it so much I could come up with another."

Arueshalae rolled her eyes. "I'll accept it; I don't want to think about what you'd come up with if with sufficient creativity. But since you asked - I've been in a cell for six months, and imprisoned in a cloister for another. I figured it was time to get back into top condition."

Kevin nodded, half listening. He was watching as a pair of halfling porters hefted a nightstand from the outbuilding where they'd set up the gate and marched it into the main doors of the inn. "Have you ever been to Absalom?"

Arueshalae followed his gaze. "I... can't say that I have," she said after a moment's hesitation.

"You should! The City at the Center of the World should be the highlight of any any would-be explorer's bucket list. It was heavily suggested to me that adventuring attire was ill suited for a royal audience, so I figured I'd kip over for the day - would you care to join me?"

Arueshalae's eyes widened. "Royal audience?"

Kevin turned towards her. "Irabeth came by this morning. Queen Galfrey will be arriving tomorrow, and we've been informed we can expect her summons."

The succubus looked momentarily self-conscious. "Was I included in that conversation?"

Kevin smiled reassuringly. "Naturally."

Arueshalae looked down at her well-worn leather armor and threadbare garments. "It would be nice to meet the Queen in something less... practical." She studied Kevin for a moment, then took a deep breath. "Fine. Yes. I'll go - if you're paying," she smiled.

Kevin brightened. "Delightful! As long as you're cheap," he added in an undertone. The swordsman offered his arm, but Arueshalae strode purposefully ahead. Kevin shrugged and followed her through the outbuilding doors and into the staging area where the movers had set up the gate. A quick word with the overseer informed them that the gate would close at 9 bells, but that it would reopen the next morning. Kevin bowed with a flourish, ushering Arueshalae through the portal, and the succubus curtsied in kind as she stepped through.

They were standing in a warehouse stacked high with wooden crates. Shafts of sunlight illumiated lines of dust swirling in the air high above, and there were lamps adding their soft glow hanging every few feet from posts. The air was warm and smelled like fresh cut wood and leather, with the pervasive salty undertone of the sea.

A portly man in a thick leather tunic stood directing the movers, pointing his quill with one hand while clutching a long roll of parchment in the other. He smiled when he saw Kevin and Arueshalae come through the gate, and rushed up to them.

"Ah, good morning, good morning! Come to oversee the delivery?"

"Actually, we're just here for a quick day trip into the city," Kevin offered. The director's smile faltered, and so Kevin continued. "Ariana and Zinnia will be back presently, they were seeing to some business. They have their staff overseeing the furnishings for the time being." He leaned in a little closer and winked. "They seem well pleased with the progress thus far."

The director's smile returned even more broadly. "Excellent, excellent! And you will be back this evening?"

Kevin gave a vague wave. "That's the idea."

"Well in that case, I bid the two of you enjoy a most pleasant day!" The director motioned towards the warehouse door, his smile firmly etched across his broad face, and then returned his attentions to a group of men who were busily extracting a large bedframe from a wooden crate.

A moment later and they were outside, blinking in the sunlight on the side of a wide road lined with barrels of flowers. The sound of seaguls could be clearly heard above the low din of chatter and the distant sound of wheels against stone. Groups of people chatted amongst themselves as they walked up and down the street, dressed in lightweight but very fine clothing in rich colors with tasteful details at cuffs and collars.

Kevin spread his arms. "Welcome to Absalom! Well, at least to the Merchant's Quarters. Sort of the business and financial district, so there's not a lot to be excited about unless you really fancy a chat about long-term interest rates or the exchange rates in Taldor."

Arueshalae looked up at the blue sky. It was warmer than she had expected. "It's not quite what I imagined," she said.

"Just wait," Kevin said has he shrugged off his jacket and held his arm out into the street as a carriage was passing by, which stopped to pull to the side of the road for them to board. It was drawn by two camels in brightly colored scarves with layers of blankets draped over their backs and thick leather shoes slipped over their feet. Kevin offered a hand to Arueshalae, but she leapt past him to land lightly in the wagon. Kevin withdrew a handful of copper pieces from his belt pouch and handed them to the driver before climbing up after her. "Grand Bazaar, please."

Kevin caught Arueshalae's curious gaze at the camels. "Horses are illegal in Absalom, so camels are the most common beast you'll see."

Arueshalae looked intrigued. "Horses are illegal?"

"The island of Kortos is huge, and although it all belongs to Absalom there's quite a bit of unsettled space. The indiginous tribes are Centaur, and they get offended when you saddle horses, so they started importing camels. Or so the story goes."

"Do the centaur still live here?"

"Just outside the city, past the mountains. In fact, if you look just over those buildings there..." Kevin leaned forward, almost close enough to touch, and pointed absurdly high above the roof line. As they passed by a cross street Arueshalae followed his fingers and to her surprise saw the outline of a mountain range ascending nearly vertical, its peaks completely obscured with clinging whisps of cloud. "You can see the Kortos Mounts. I've heard tell they're the tallest in the world."

Arueshalae felt her mouth open inadvertently, silently impressed by the sheer scale of the peaks. She realized Kevin was looking at her, and quickly resumed her passive expression.

"Those spires in the distance are from Azlanti Keep, and you can see the tops of the Temple of the Starstone from here as well, in Ascendance Court."

"Hmmm," Arueshalae hummed. She tried to maintain her disinterest, but was finding it increasingly difficult as the streets widened and more and more people could be seen walking, pulling carts, hauling packages, riding camels and driving wagons. "So how long have you lived in Absalom?"

"About four years, give or take... although truth be told I haven't spent that much time in the city. Most of that time's been on the docks and in the Coins, although Green Ridge is pleasant enough, and there's always something interesting in the Foreign Quarter."

"How many more districts are there?"

"Quite a few," Kevin recounted. "You've seen Merchant's Quarters; most of it's pretty much the same. Westgate, Eastgate, the keep, and the docks make up the four points on the compass. Precipice and Puddles flank the docks, but no one goes there if they can help it. Ascendant Court is right in the middle, surrounded by the high and mighty in the Wise, Ivy, and Petal districts."

Arueshalae looked out over the rows of buildings and the tangle of streets. "Just how big is this city?"

Kevin laughed. "Big."

Arueshalae was finding it more and more difficult to feign disinterest as she continued to press Kevin with questions. The swordsman seemed quite satisfied to answer, and to regale Arueshalae with descriptions of the city and all the places he'd been. Before long, the carriage came to a stop at the edge of a vast open space filled with more tents and caravans than could be counted. "Here we are," said Kevin, looking out across the expanse. "The heart of Absalom: the Grand Bazaar!"

There was music coming from every corner. The sound of laughter, of barter, of chatter rose in a cacophany only matched by the riot of shape and color that made up the living sea of commerce that stretched out before them. Scantily clad dancers waved silken fans towards one stall, while a troupe of acrobatic goblins performed across the way.

Almost immediately after the camel driver had moved off the road, Kevin noticed what at first looked like a child reach a small hand towards Arueshalae's coin pouch. He reached forward and caught the thief's wrist, only to find that Arueshalae had done the same. The succubus looked intently at the child - not actually a child, but a full-grown halfling man with a freshly shorn face wearing boy's clothes - and the thief backed away with a half-smile.

"I am so sorry miss... I promise, it will never happen again. I will go now and rethink my thieving ways," he said blithely as he drifted back into the crowd and out of sight.

Kevin raised an eyebrow questioningly and Arueshalae grinned. "I'm quite persuasive," she said by way of explanation. "So where are we headed?"

"Good acquaintance of mine, runs a stall on the North side near the Wench. The best tailor you could hope to find."

"The Wench?" Arueshalae stifled a giggle.

"One of the only permanent buildings in the market. It's touristy, but a local favorite, famous for their mead, their fish bowl, and their wait staff, who are exceptionally... well trained," finished Kevin.

"Ah," said Arueshalae, giving Kevin a questioning look. The swordsman did not answer, but kept leading her through the throng past row after row of fantastical displays, both magical and mundane.

Kevin stopped in front of what looked like a very large wagon or small hut constructed of weathered wood and hung with worn but carefully kept brocade curtains over the entry. "This is the place," he called out before going inside.

Arueshalae stepped up to find that the space, while not large, was immaculately organized and surprisingly cool, a stark contrast to the stuffy and warm market air. Clothing was folded neatly in stacks and draped over wire figures on display, as well as hung on pegs and lines across the walls of the shop. An older elven gentleman with long silver hair on the sides of his head and a hooked nose was sitting in a comfortable looking armchair adding decorative trim to a vest. He stood quickly when Kevin and Arueshalae entered, his eyes lighting up when he saw the swordsman.

"Is that... Kevin! Welcome, welcome!"

Kevin smiled warmly. "Hello, Lawrence. How is business?"

"Business is business, my dear boy but... who is this?" Lawrence moved gracefully to stand before Arueshalae, where he bowed and took her hand. "Oh my dear boy, please tell me that I shall have the privilege of clothing this exquisite frame!" He lifted Arueshalae's hand to brush against his lips. Arueshalae smiled, pleased as Lawrence shot Kevin a sidelong glance. "You, sir, are batting out of your league."

"Aye, and she knows it too," snarked Kevin. "Lawrence, allow me to present the lady Arueshalae. We both have need of something to wear to an audience with a prestigious client."

Lawrence immediately dashed out towards a rack of clothes hung by a window. "Delightful! So what shall it be... 'dashing swordsman?' 'Cunning adventurer?' Or perhaps the 'enlightened noble?'"

Arueshalae sniffed. "How about something Kevin could actually pull off?"

Lawrence laughed, but shook his head. "My dear, Kevin may be many things but he is hardly one to be underestimated."

Kevin smirked, and then continued to pick through a stack of garments. Lawrence returned a moment later with a selection of jackets draped over his arm. "First the gentleman... business before pleasure!"

He handed the jackets one by one to Kevin, who tried them on in front of a looking glass. To each, Kevin offered his compliments to Lawrence for the exquisite craftsmanship, but Arueshalae betrayed no sign of approval. She stood stony-faced and looked at Kevin with a sort of bored exhaustion until he stepped out in a charcoal gray dress coat embellished with dark bronze filigree from the collar all the way down the breast. As Kevin admired the cut he caught a glimpse of Arueshalae in the mirror, her eyes bright with interest. By the time Kevin turned around she had regained her poker face and was gazing out the window, but she still raised her hand in a careless wave. "That one," she said, daring one more glance back at the swordsman.

Kevin nodded to Lawrence, who clucked happily and began taking measurements and pinning the jacket for tailoring.

Arueshalae, meanwhile, was running her fingers up and down every garment she could see, thrilling at how soft it felt and imaging how it would feel against her skin. It had been a long time since she'd worn anything resembling finery, and she was eager to get out of her scavanged leathers. She cocked her head to steal another glance at Kevin. The dark color created a pleasant contrast against his lighter hair and the cut was very flattering, although she had no intention of saying anything to further inflate his ego.

"I'll have the jacket ready by this evening, with a vest, blouse, and trousers to match. When can you be by?"

Kevin's smile faltered for a moment, almost imperceptable. "We're actually only here for the day; we're expected back shortly after nightfall."

"That will be fine. Now! On to the true artistry." Lawrence clapped his hands and turned to Arueshalae with a shallow bow. "My dear, what is it that you have in mind?"

Arueshalae stood while Lawrence walked around her with his measuring tape, making approving noises as he worked. He asked her simple questions about style, color, and shape, which Arueshalae answered as best she could, and then the little elf dashed off to fetch a number of items from across the room. "It's not that it matters much," he muttered happily. "I could drape a saddle blanket across your shoulders and you would still be a work of art. My humble product hardly does justice."

Arueshalae tried on garment after garment. Some were picked by Kevin, others brought by Lawrence. Each was more beautiful and expertly crafted than the last, and she thrilled at trying them on. There was a gown made of silk so light she felt like she was wearing nothing at all. There was a gown of velvet as soft as feathers that shifted from black to deep blue in the light. There was a warm woolen shift embroidered with elaborate patterns in silver thread. Each time she stepped out of the curtained dressing room Lawrence would gasp and marvel and compliment as Arueshalae twirled, showing off the grace of the fabric as it brushed against her legs. Kevin sat on a tufted stool, watching intently.

She had just settled on a marvelous lace dress that cascaded down from pale lavender at the collar through all the colors of twilight to near black at the hem when Lawrence lit up and snapped his fingers. He quickly scuttled back towards his work room and returned with a wooden box.

"I nearly forgot about this; I was saving this for something special. I can't think of anything more special than this, however, and I would be honored if you would try it on." The aged elf carefully unlatched the box and lifted the lid to pull out a magnificent dress with a bodice black as midnight that caught the light like stars, and a skirt and gown of trailing silk painted to look like butterfly wings. "Very rare fabric, silk from the Star Monarch."

Arueshalae's eyes grew wide and she felt herself inhale. She had never seen anything so beautiful, and could hardly believe that this seemingly inconspicuous tailor had managed to gather fabric made from the children of Desna herself. She reached out to touch the dress and was surprised to find that it was warm.

"Er, how much is that, Lawrence?" Kevin asked quietly, looking nervously into his belt pouch.

A gleam came into the old tailor's eye. "Priceless, my dear boy... but negotiable."

Arueshalae closed the curtain on the dressing room and hugged the dress to her, watching the way the skirt twirled as she moved. She slipped it on, and the dress felt like a second skin. She had worn many gowns in her long existence, and some had been very fine while serving as a courtier and assassin to Nocticula, but she couldn't remember ever having tried on one of this quality. She had hardly been paying attention to the hushed sounds of bartering behind her, until Lawrence's voice cut through with a triumphant "A most agreeable accord, Master Welsley! I shall expect you this evening to pick them up." Arueshalae felt a twinge of guilt when she wondered how much Kevin had offered to pay for the dress, but she swallowed it back down and stepped out of the dressing room to see herself in the mirror.

Arueshalae had always considered herself beautiful. She prided herself on being an object of lustful desire, capable of bending the weak-minded to her whim with little more than a glance or a well-placed smile. However, the vision of herself she saw in the mirror was decidedly different, and she realized that perhaps for the first time in her life she truly felt beautiful. She spun, and the silk whirled around her like a cloud of butterflies.

"Oh," said Lawrence, tears in his eyes. "If I never live to see another day, I will pass into this next world dreaming of this moment. My dear, that dress was truly meant for you."

Arueshalae looked up at Kevin, who was uncharacteristically silent. The swordsman stared at her with an awed expression, only seeming to come back to himself by slipping ungracefully off his chair. He started to speak, but then just nodded and cleared his throat. He picked up a pile of clothes that had fallen off his lap. "We'll take these with us, if that's alright Lawrence." He stepped closer to Arueshalae. "You might be more comfortable in these," he said, handing her the bundle. Then he smiled. "The dress suits you," he said in a low voice.

She stepped back into the dressing room and emerged once more in a pair of black suede breeches and a hooded tunic in dark purple clasped with a silver belt. She liked the outfit more than she wanted to admit, as it was far more comfortable and stylish than her previous ensemble. "This will do," she said to Kevin, carefully keeping her voice even and cold despite her delight, although she couldn't quite stop her cheeks flushing with pleasure as she ran her fingers along the soft fabric.

Lawrence dabbed at his eyes with an embroidered handkerchief, then raised his hand in parting. "Always a pleasure, Kevin my boy. Oh! Before I forget; I heard tell that Miss Kitty was back at the Wench. You might want to avoid that particular establishment."

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Lawrence, I'll keep that in mind." He clasped hands with the old elf, and then followed Arueshalae out into the market. She seemed to glow with renewed confidence, which had attracted even more stares from fellow market-goers. Kevin stepped up beside her. "So Shal: where to next?"

Arueshalae didn't flinch at the name, but she turned her head and raised her hand to Kevin's cheek. "We need to get you to a healer," she said, rubbing her thumb over the large purple bruise. "If you're going to be seen in public with me you should be more presentable."

Kevin rolled his eyes again, and then his expression grew more serious. "I had to know it was you, Shal. After everything that happened…" He trailed off, but then caught himself and snapped back to the moment. "I figured if I acted out of character, someone who was just pretending to be you would try to roll with it, not fully understanding the, ah, nature of our relationship."

"You assume the 'nature of our relationship' would involve me hitting you? That's rather pathetic."

Kevin scratched the back of his neck. "I suppose, now that you put it that way…"

Arueshalae laughed. She looked around the market, and then a dark gleam came into her eye as she turned back towards Kevin. "I am a bit hungry… you mentioned there was a fantastic restaurant around here? Something about a 'fish bowl?'"

Kevin raised his eyebrows. "Ah. Well, yes: the Saucy Wench. I also mentioned it's rather touristy, and if you're looking for good food -"

"Why would we go elsewhere if the Wench is right here?" Aurueshalae interrupted. "Besides, you talked it up so much, I must admit I'm intrigued."

Kevin seemed to wrestle with himself for a moment, and then shrugged. "Very well. If you wish to see the Wench, then let's go!" Arueshalae grinned impishly and followed Kevin through the crowd.

The Saucy Wench was four stories tall, with porches that wrapped around the front of each story and created lots of room for seating. It was just as busy as the market street below, with people sitting in almost every chair, looking out over the balconies at the sights of the Grand Bazaar. Most notable, however, were the waitresses: all female, and wearing absurdly low-cut bodices with short flounced skirts.

Kevin waved his arm grandly. "The Wench!"

Arueshalae shook her head with a smirk. "Spent a lot of time here, have we?"

"Of course. I make it a point to visit every time I'm in town. As I mentioned, I'm rather partial to their fish bowl."

The pair stepped up to a wooden stall positioned outside the doors, carved with wooden fish. A buxom brunette with soft curls was leaning over a map of the Wench and directing restaurant-goers towards their tables. She looked up as they approached, and her eyes lit up with surprise. "Kevin? Kevin! Welcome back," she said, regaining her composure even as her eyes flicked toward Arueshalae.

Kevin smiled apologetically. "Hello Becca." Then, noticing the waitress's glance, he waved the succubus forward. "This is Arueshalae, an acquaintance from up north. I'm showing her around the town for the day."

Becca looked between Kevin and Arueshalae for a moment, then put the smile back on her face. "Of course, and welcome!" She grinned broadly at the swordsman. "Oh my; Kevin, these 'acquaintances' of yours just keep getting prettier!" She leaned in and added in a quiet voice "Kitty's working today - I've got her on top floor."

Kevin nodded, and almost imperceptibly slipped a gold coin into Becca's apron pocket. "First floor will be fine," he said, pulling back to a carefully neutral distance.

Arueshalae watched the exchange with bright eyes, then closed the distance between herself and Kevin to touch the swordsman's arm. Becca blinked, but her smile did not falter. "Do you think we could sit on the top balcony? The market is such an impressive sight; I bet the view is wonderful!"

Kevin furrowed his brow at Arueshalae, but smiled all the same. "Are there tables on the top floor, Becca?"

The waitress's smile appeared to be painted on as she bobbed her head up and down and lead them up a broad staircase. Arueshalae saw dozens of waitresses, all similarly clad, carrying trays overflowing with tankards and mugs. They followed Becca to a table right up against the railing of the balcony on the fourth floor, with a view that stretched out across the Grand Bazaar. "Here we go," the waitress said in a bubbly voice. "Can I get you anything to get started?"

Arueshalae grinned wickedly. "I'll have the fish bowl. I hear it's fantastic," she said pointedly.

"Same," mumbled Kevin.

"Oh, and some of your mead as well," added Arueshalae. "And perhaps a few other things…" She proceeded to order another five entrees and enough beverage to have satisfied a party many times their number. She watched Becca take note of it all without flinching, inwardly impressed with the waitress's composure.

Kevin, meanwhile, seemed determined to ignore her. He rested his head on his hand and gazed out across the market with unfocused eyes. If he was at all concerned with the quantity of food and drink being ordered he made no reaction.

Arueshalae folded her hands and rested her elbows on the table when Becca left with the order. "So this is the kind of woman the great Kevin likes, is it?"

Kevin stirred and looked at her, then offered a half smile as it registered what she'd just said. For the first time, in the shade of the porch awning, Arueshalae noticed just how tired he looked. "I like a great many people, for a great many reasons," he said casually.

Arueshalae made a noncommittal noise and turned to look out at the bazaar. The chaos of color, movement, and sound made her feel somehow more at home than in the quiet, heavily regimented military outpost of Drezen. Just then there was a commotion, and from her vantage point she could see what looked to be a half-giant roughly hauling a man to his feet and shouting obscenities. The man was wearing nothing more than a loincloth, and was chained in a line to a half dozen others likewise stripped of all but the most meager coverings.

"He's taking them to the Slave Pits on Misery Row," Kevin answered to the unasked question, having noticed the same event. "Slavery is always legal in Absalom."

Arueshalae sniffed with scorn. "You mortals, for all your talk, seem to be little better than demons in sufficient number."

"Hard to argue with you there, but then I've never seen a demon city by which to compare."

Arueshalae's eyes narrowed. "You seem surprisingly accepting of this."

Kevin shrugged. "It's a nasty problem, and one that's more complicated than it seems. These people treat their slaves as common wares - objects for sale, and nothing more. Let's say you attack, eand manage to free that group. What happens to those you couldn't free? The slavers have got to make up their profits somehow, so they find other ways to cut spending. Suddenly the group you didn't even know about that's being offloaded from Niswan or Qadira are down to one meal a day instead of two, are being sold to less reputable buyers just to get a quick sale, or they're being doubled up in cells to reduce the cost of renting pens. Not to mention the ones you just 'rescued,'" Kevin continued, his voice bitter. "Where can they go? Would you spend the time and the effort to teach them a vocation? To find them a place to settle, the resources to start up a new life? What about their families, the ones that are still enslaved? No, direct attack is not the answer; this is a business matter, and until the culture of slavery changes there can be no lasting change."

Arueshalae mulled over his words. Kevin was agitated, although he hid it well, and she could tell this was something of a personal subject. "We could buy one," she said, the idea surprising even her.

"I'm pretty sure Ariana and Zinnia would have strong words to say about the subject if we turned up with a purchased slave in Drezen."

The succubus couldn't help but laugh, because the notion did sound ridiculous. "True, and now that you mention it I doubt Drezen would really be an improvement."

Becca returned with a small flock of other waitresses behind her, each bearing trays of food and drink and looking very confused at where the rest of the party could be that had ordered such a large meal. As she laid out the spread, she caught Kevin's attention and whispered "I asked Kitty to see to a large party back on the second floor. As long as you don't stay too long, I think we're in the clear."

"Thanks love," returned Kevin with a warm smile as Becca nodded and shuffled off with the other girls.

Arueshalae eagerly devoured the food. She was amazed at how hungry she felt; this physical form required a surprising quantity of energy to sustain it since she had stopped directly absorbing essence. After she had tried at least some of everything, and had polished off one of the flagons of mead, she sat back and sighed contentedly. "I do have to admit, the fish bowl is rather fantastic."

"Right?" Kevin beamed. He turned to look back out over the market. "Once we're done here I'd like to get to the harbor, if you don't mind."

Arueshalae felt suddenly torn between her curiosity over who this 'Kitty' was and what would happen if she ran into Kevin, and a deep desire to see the sea. Flashes of old memories rose within her; figments of her former life. She didn't know whether, as a mortal, she had lived on the ocean or if she had simply wanted it so badly it manifested in her dreams, but she felt drawn to it somehow and the idea that she might finally get to look out on the water thrilled her.

"I'm eager to get out on the water again, if only for a little bit," continued Kevin, unaware of Arueshalae's sudden interest.

Arueshalae perked. "Is there time for that?"

"Plenty, but we'd need to make sure we don't miss the tide. There's no getting through the flotsam graveyard when the tide starts to come in."

Arueshalae surveyed the food still left on the table. She'd gotten through most of the dishes, but hadn't quite had a chance to polish off the drinks she'd ordered. Just then, Becca arrived to clear away the plates and give pointed looks to Kevin, who shrugged them off and continued sipping at a glass of water.

"I would like to see the sea," Arueshalae said thoughtfully. "But it would be a shame to let this good mead go to waste…" She caught Kevin's eye with a wicked grin. "Could we get another couple bottles, for the road?"

Kevin sighed and nodded to Becca, who hurried off to fetch the bottles while Kevin withdrew a handful of coins from his pouch and counted them. He put a small pile on the table and the remainder back in his bag.

Becca returned with the bottles and scooped the coins off the table quite happily. She looked at Arueshalae. "How was it?"

"Memorable," said Arueshalae.

Becca wasn't really listening. As she leaned over to clear the table she whispered towards Kevin. "She's starting to get suspicious. If you want to leave now, we'll have to take you out the back way."

Kevin nodded and shoved the bottles into his belt pouch, where they disappeared. He stood, and offered a hand to Arueshalae, who looked at it reluctantly for a moment before accepting the hand up and following him back through the crowded tables and towards a second, less grand staircase near the back. The stair let out on the bottom floor quite near a side entrance evidently reserved for staff.

Becca let out a long sigh. "That was a close one. Thanks for playing along," she said to Kevin and Arueshalae, the careful façade fading to reveal someone who looked both tired and sweet natured. She smiled warmly at Kevin, and placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's good to see you. Do you know when you might be back?"

Kevin pursed his lips. "I've taken on a contract in Drezen, up near the World Wound. It's a far cry from Absalom, so I really couldn't say."

"Oh," said Becca, looking concerned. "Well then… good luck," she finished, picking back up the pleasant face she wore as a waitress.

"Thanks," smiled Kevin. "Take care, Becca."

Kevin turned and started to walk away, back towards the market. Arueshalae watched as Becca hesitantly turned back to the staff entrance and went inside. There was a story there, she was sure, but she didn't particularly feel like pressuring Kevin about it just yet.

Just then, a shrill voice exploded from the serving door. "What do you mean he was here!?"

Kevin looked back over his shoulder with a wince. "Time go," he said, grabbing Arueshalae's hand and ushering her quickly away from the Wench and into the bustle of the market.

Once they had gone a sufficient way into the chaos, Kevin let go of Arueshalae and straightened down his shirt collar and vest. "Sorry for the chaotic exit. How was the meal?"

Arueshalae grinned. "I'd go there again." Something caught her eye in the marketplace behind, and she moved past Kevin to get a closer look. In the isle of stalls in front of them was a simple wooden hand-cart with a canopy painted in muted rainbow colors like a sunset. Bits of colored glass had been strung on wire and suspended from the awning in a manner that seemed haphazard, but on second glance was immediately evocative of flights of butterflies. The front of the cart curved upward into a bench, and perched on a pile of soft cushions sat the oldest gnome Arueshalae had ever seen. Her skin was brown and wrinkled like old leather, and her long gray hair hung in a complicated array of curls, loops, and braids. Her hands were gnarled like tree roots, and she was waving them at Arueshalae, beckoning her closer, which seemed odd as her eyes had the silvered, unfocused look of one who was completely blind.

"Come! Come!" she called to the pair. "You have need of my wares, yes?" Kevin glanced warily at Arueshalae as he approached the cart. The old gnomish woman looked delighted, breaking into a smile that was years younger than her face. "Pretty things for a pretty lady!"

The cart was filled with delightful things. There was a basket of painted silk scarves, trays of jewelry and carved stone, and stacks of items made of leather and dyed in the hues of twilight. Arueshalae gasped as she picked up a leather corset shaped like a butterfly and small enough to fit around her waist.

Kevin cocked his head and looked with curiosity at the gnome, whose head was turned towards them but the eyes remained distant. "How is it that you come across your wares, ma'am?"

The gnome chuckled. "You ask about my eyes, young man? Oh don't worry, I take no offense," she added when Kevin shifted uncomfortably. "It is the nature of the young to ask questions of the old. The Lady is my eyes now. She sings to me in my sleep, shows me where to go, whispers to me when her children are close. The leathers, I make," she said proudly, pointing to the corset Arueshalae had laced on over her tunic. "The hands stay busy even when the eyes have failed!"

Kevin remained skeptical, but was suddenly distracted by an item unearthed by Arueshalae's digging. It was a long, curved leather scabbard beautifully tooled with a flight of butterflies rising against a starry sky. "It can't be," the swordsman muttered, lifting the piece to find it the exact size and shape of his own. He stared hard at the gnome, who continued to gaze off at some point in the distance.

Arueshalae, meanwhile, was busy trying on a teal suede cropped jacket with a long hood along with a belt likewise tooled in butterflies with a jeweled buckle. Kevin smiled; of the few weeks he had known the succubus this was the first time he had seen her look so happy. He looked with disbelief back at the scabbard he still held and mentally counted his remaining coins. "How much for the corset, jacket, belt, and scabbard?"

"My wares choose their owners, young man. Some have coin, others less… pay what you think is fair."

Kevin nodded and counted out fifty gold coins into a pouch. It was more than the items were likely worth, but there was something endearing about the old woman that made him want to help her.

"Ooh, the young man is generous," the gnome said when she took the pouch. "She chose well. Here, a gift," she said, reaching into a pocket in her dress and pulling out one of the butterfly scarves. "Something for the lady."

Kevin took the scarf and realized it was wrapped around a hard object. Unfolding the silk revealed a beautiful butterfly pendant in worked silver, with delicate wings wrapped around moonstones. "I think you have made a mistake," he started, but the gnome cut him off with a wide toothy grin.

"No mistake, young man. Just a gift. Take it!"

"Thank you," said Kevin, not at all sure what to say. He turned to Arueshalae. "Shal, if we want to catch the tide we'd better get a move on." Arueshalae's head lifted quickly, as if suddenly remembering Kevin was still there. She looked forlornly at the items she'd tried on, but Kevin instead held out the silk scarf and butterfly necklace. "They're paid for," he said with a smile.

Arueshalae slowly, cautiously took the offered bundle. She frowned slightly, unsure how to react to what she felt were obvious attempts to woo her affections. Still, the necklace was breathtaking, and a part of her felt immense gratitude at being offered a Desnan holy symbol that had not once belonged to someone she'd murdered. In the end she nodded in acknowledgement and clasped the pendant around her neck as Kevin slipped his rapier into its new scabbard.

Kevin hailed another camel-driven cart and bade them deliver the pair to the docks. The pair sat in silence for the majority of the ride, watching as the open spectacle of the Grand Bazaar changed to tall wood and stone shops and buildings of every type. Gardens lined both sides of the wide avenue, which was bustling with vehicles of every shape and size, driven by both camels and large flightless birds.

The road angled downward in long slopes and plateaus, until at last they crested the top of one hill and looked down at the harbor of Absalom. Arueshalae nearly jumped from her seat in excitement, leaning out over the cart to get a better view. From this distance the docks were a tangled web of connected piers with so many ships moving in and out it took on the coordinated look of an insect hive. The air was thick with the smell of salt and tar, the shouts of men, the creak of board and rope and the pervasive screams of seagulls. And above it all, glistening in the afternoon sun, was the sea.

Kevin watched Arueshalae, amused. "Have you truly never seen the sea, Shal?"

"No, never... well, not like this. Nocticula's realm is on an island, but Ishiar is... not the same," she concluded, shuddering at the memory of her once-home.

"Nocticula?"

Arueshalae looked at Kevin. "You don't know?" The swordsman shrugged, and Arueshalae took her seat once more. "The demon queen of succubi, Nocticula. She holds court on the Midnight Isles. I served her," she added quietly, the reality of her tainted existence quelling her enthusiasm. She looked out over the harbor. "She reigns from her islands of endless night in the middle of Dagon's sea, where the water is as black as pitch and as thick as blood."

"So not someplace you'd recommend for a day trip then?" Kevin's voice brought her back to the moment, and something in his cocksure smile was oddly reassuring.

"Not unless you fancy a slow, agonizing yet pleasurable death at the hands of a creature as beautiful as she is evil."

"Sounds like my ex," smirked Kevin.

The cart rolled to a stop at a wide courtyard at the base of the avenue that ran right up to the pier. Arueshalae jumped out of the cart and ran right up to the rope fence. The water swirled against the stone columns that supported the pier, bubbling around layers of barnacles dotted with jewel-toned starfish. Having never seen sea-life before, Arueshalae thought it was curious that they had bothered to add decoration to such an out of the way place. She turned to ask Kevin, but he was off speaking with a man who sat at a window of a small office perched on the edge of the wharf. He pulled some papers from his belt pouch, and slipped the man a coin before returning to Arueshalae, who gave him a questioning look.

"Docking papers," explained Kevin, returning the papers to his pouch. "Absalom's harbor is so busy the city requires permits for all vessels moving in and out, and offers a registration for sailors. Luckily for us, I so happen to be both registered and permitted, and we now have permission to use the loading docks for the day."

"Mhm," hummed Arueshalae. "You and what boat, exactly?"

"You'll see," Kevin said cryptically as he lead her across the wharf. They passed all manner of people as they went. There were more races and ethnicities here than anywhere else Arueshalae had ever seen, and they seemed to hail from all walks of life. Rich nobles and merchants paraded or rode on palanquins dressed in finery and accompanied by servants, slaves, and retainers while sailors of every size were securing rigging, loading and unloading crated, and performing other maintenance tasks on ships that ranged from tiny dinghies, sailboats and fishing vessels to giant galleys, frigates, and merchant vessels that resembled floating palaces. They descended a staircase that brought them down to sea level, and Arueshalae amused herself by watching little fishes swim in the shadow of the great ships.

At last, they arrived at a very busy jetty with few moored vessels, all in a state of transit. "Loading docks," said Kevin. "Temporary landing for loading and unloading passengers, primarily."

Arueshalae looked around. "Yes, I see the dock… but I still don't see a boat."

Kevin smirked haughtily and withdrew a wooden box from his pouch, of sufficient size to house a bottle of spirits. Carved into the lid in elaborate writing were the words 'Lucky Break.' Before Arueshalae could ask after the box, Kevin had thrown it into the water and called out a word in one of the arcane tongues. The box shuddered, and then began unfolding itself into larger and larger segments until it had taken the shape of a rowboat with four benches.

Arueshalae smiled patiently. "Well that's hardly -" before she could finish, Kevin had spoken another word and the boat further transformed into a magnificent sailboat, 'Lucky Break' clearly visible along its prow.

Kevin immediately hopped over to the boat and began securing it to the jetty with ropes. He stood triumphantly upon the deck and raised his hands. "Welcome to my home!"

Arueshalae laughed. "Of course, why should I be surprised? You and I, alone on your ship to sail across the harbor as the sun sets… classic."

"I would have come regardless of whether you had accompanied me; however, your being here is certainly not unappreciated."

Arueshalae effortlessly leapt across to land on the deck, and settled herself comfortably onto a cushioned bench. "Very well then, captain. You may proceed!"

Kevin smiled confidently as he unfurled the sail and began maneuvering the ship away from the jetty and through the harbor. He moved the ship in an odd, mazelike pattern. "There've been many attempts to take Absalom over the centuries. None have been successful - the city's too well defended and it's hard to mount an assault by sea in this narrow of a harbor. The waters grow very rough during tide changes, and so many ships have been lost here they call it the 'flotsam graveyard.' It takes a skilled hand to maneuver, and the larger ships pay good coin for pilots to lead them in. It's a decent wage, even if the work is tedious."

Arueshalae looked across the expanse of the harbor. "I don't see much in the way of defenses… does Absalom keep a standing military?"

Kevin nodded. "There are two keeps set into the harbor walls to the East and the West. That, and most folk don't take too kindly to some upstart attempting to come in and disrupt business, so in addition to the standing forces there's a sizeable volunteer militia."

"But it's still susceptible to air superiority," Arueshalae noted, looking across the tiered walls of the city.

"Sure, but about the only thing that can really deliver that kind of ability around here are dragons. They roost in the Mounts, so the city pays adventurers to go in and clear them out every once in a while."

"Fascinating. And so the city remains not only independent but entirely self-sufficient," mused Arueshalae. Her mind began to wander, and she wondered what the city would do if the Worldwound suddenly opened and they found themselves besought by demons. Her dark imaginings were interrupted, however, as Kevin pointed out to the mouth of the harbor. Arueshalae looked where he was pointing, and saw a pod of dolphins gracefully arcing above the waves. She let out a delighted squeal, and ran to the side of the ship to get a better view. Before long, the dolphins had moved to swim right behind the boat, and seemed to be playing in the wake trailing behind the sailboat as it cut through the waters towards the open sea.

Kevin pointed out all of the creatures he saw, and patiently answered Arueshalae's questions about them as they flooded out. Her childlike wonder was in such stark contrast to the brooding persona she showed in Drezen that it caught Kevin somewhat off guard, but he didn't complain. He liked seeing this new side of the succubus.

As they gained speed and moved further out into open water, the breeze whipped across the sail and the temperature dropped notably. Kevin retrieved his jacket from his belt pouch and slipped it back on, then looked across at Arueshalae who was draped elegantly over the bench, gazing out at the ocean. "It's quite a bit chillier out here, with the wind - are you cold?"

Arueshalae turned to Kevin and smirked. "Another item from your playbook, Kevin? The kindly gentleman offers his jacket to the fair lady, with no motive whatsoever?"

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Of course, all part of my master plan to keep people warm as you masterfully see through my clumsy attempts to clothe you. Although you have mentioned this several times now - are you truly so keen to have me woo you? Because while that was not my original intent I'm sure I could have that arranged. I've dated far more evil women than a she-demon."

His playful nature ignited a spark of something devious within Arueshalae, and she stalked up to him with sultry glances. "I doubt you've ever experienced the mingled agony of pleasure and pain that a 'she-demon' can truly cause." She was close enough now to smell the cologne he always used after shaving as she whispered the last line in his ear. Catching herself, Arueshalae stepped backwards, then sprightly twirled back to her bench seat, silently chiding herself for nearly acting upon her temptations.

Kevin, surprisingly, seemed unaffected. He let out a barking laugh. "Clearly you've never met Alice."

Kevin kept the Lucky Break in sight of the shore as he sailed around the tip of the harbor and out away from the city. They exchanged few words, with little to break the silence save for the constant rustle of the wind in the sail and the gentle lapping of the waves washing against the hull. They saw several more pods of dolphins as well as a group of sea lions and even a whale. As the afternoon wore on Kevin began to look more and more relaxed, and Arueshalae noted once more the apparent exhaustion that she'd first caught glimpse of at the Saucy Wench.

"You know, if you need to rest… actually, is that even advisable while sailing?"

"Sure, if you weigh anchor first and aren't in too dangerous an area. This is, after all, my home - I wasn't jesting when I said that I live here." Arueshalae gave him a skeptical glance, and so Kevin gestured to the cabin. "See for yourself! It's quite comfortable." Arueshalae didn't at all trust Kevin's motives in getting her to go into his private quarters, which must have shown in her expression because the swordsman started to laugh. "It's fine, really."

Arueshalae couldn't hold back her curiosity, and so she peeked in through the cabin door. The cabin was surprisingly roomy and well appointed, with a bench that wrapped around the prow of the ship and folded out into a bed at the center. There was a small galley, and a writing desk piled with parchments and cartography equipment. "I have to admit, It does look cozy," said Arueshalae, returning to her seat on the deck. "It must be nice to be able to take your home with you. Can you use it in Drezen? What happens if you unfurl a boat like this over dry land?"

"You can use it, for sure, but this is a deep-keel vessel for ocean waters, so it needs sufficient space and deep water to set up. I suppose it could do with a dry dock, but that's still a lot of space… there's no place I've found in Drezen, trust me, I've looked." The vessel was cruising back towards the harbor now, as the sun sank lower against the horizon. "It's not the same anyways. I've lived on the sea my whole life; I've never been able to stay away for long."

"It sounds like a good life," Arueshalae said thoughtfully. "What made you decide to come to Drezen?"

Kevin studied her face for a moment, trying to decide if he really wanted to tell her the truth. "You're right," he said finally. "It is a pretty good life. Everything a man could want. But after a while, everything just comes too easily… the jobs, the money, the women. Oh don't get me wrong, it's pleasurable enough, but after a while everything starts to blend together. Nothing is memorable anymore. Nothing is special. So when I heard they were paying good coin to help out in Drezen, I thought… well, that sounds different, and maybe I'd give it a shot."

"And that's it?"

Kevin nodded, although Arueshalae still got the distinct impression he was leaving something out as he continued. "I've earned something of a reputation here in Absalom, and suddenly everyone wants to know me, to be attached to me somehow as a friend or a lover… but all of them want something. And despite all the attention, it's so disingenuous.."

"Everyone wants something. You're never going to get away from that." Arueshalae's tone was harsher than she'd meant it to be.

Kevin looked her directly in the eye. "And what do you want?"

Arueshalae paused. She hadn't really thought about it before, but now that she did it was easy to answer. "Redemption."

Kevin smiled reassuringly and then returned his attentions to steering the ship.

By the time the Lucky Break had made it back through the flotsam graveyard and back to the landing jetty the sun had all but set, and the sky was peppered with stars. Kevin tied off the boat for Arueshalae, and then held onto the side of the vessel as he called out the command word for it to resume its benign box shape. The boat folded back in on itself, leaving Kevin holding the box, staring reluctantly at the spot in the water where it had been. He sighed as he placed the box back in his belt pouch. "We'd best get a move on, if we want to make that gate." Arueshalae placed a hand comfortingly on his shoulder. "It's not like we can't come back. We have companions with powerful magic that could make the trip here in the blink of an eye." Kevin looked a little reassured, and then Arueshalae surprised herself when she kept talking. "And today was… fun. Really. And I might not even mind coming back with you." She quickly withdrew her hand, wondering at why she had said something that sounded so sentimental. But something about the words felt good, and Kevin's soft smile made it all the better.

Kevin lead the way up the jetty to the main level of the wharf. The harbor was still bustling, but most of the activity was now revolving around the pubs and taverns that had thrown open their doors, spilling light and music and the sound of merriment and revelry onto the boardwalk. As they continued towards the main thoroughfare that would take them back to the market district, Kevin tucked his hands behind his head and gazed up at the night sky.

"I've always loved the stars," he said as they walked. "Fascinating, and beautiful - it was my father that first taught me how they moved, and that a sailor could always find his bearings by watching the heavens."

Arueshalae laughed. "You are such a Desnan! How is it that you have gone your whole life without knowing of the Lady of Spheres?"

Color rose into Kevin's cheeks and he shrugged. "My family isn't exactly religious. Just not something I was exposed to, I suppose." He lowered his hands and straightened his shoulders. "After I had a chance to look at it more closely, I was rather pleased to find that she'd chosen the Stairs for the… ah… mark that was bestowed…" Kevin looked decidedly flustered and avoided Arueshalae's eyes.

"Are you ashamed of it?"

"What? No, hardly. But the whole things is still so foreign, and I'm not at all sure what to make of it. Still, it is rather beautiful, and as I said with it being the Stairs and Cynosure it feels very… familiar." His eyes lit up for a moment, and he withdrew the box once more from his pouch. "I want to show you something I've never shown anyone before." He opened the lid and set the box on a bench nearby, pulling out several sheaves of parchment and rolling them out on the bench like a desk. Arueshalae craned her head to get a better look, and saw that they were elaborate nautical maps with overlaid star charts, carefully notated in a fine, elegant script. "I've been working on these for years, every place I've ever been. With these I can record my travels, and hopefully even find my way back if I'm ever stranded again. Look, this is Drezen," he said, flipping to another page that was clearly a work in progress but nonetheless clearly recognizable as the outlines of the fortified city. He looked up to see that Arueshalae was just shaking her head at him with a bemused expression. Hastily he folded back up the parchments and stuffed them back into the box. "Well it's clearly not finished yet," he said defensively.

"They're lovely," said Arueshalae. "And something you're clearly quite passionate about."

"Oh, uh, yes. Quite," mumbled Kevin as he resumed walking. He took a deep breath of the salt air, and let it out slowly. "Today was nice, and much needed. Yesterday was… trying." His expression darkened, and he shook his head. "Algac, and all those people…"

Arueshalae stepped out in front of Kevin and held out her hand, forcing him to stop short. "Listen, Kevin, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. Do you know what the Sisters are trying to do? What we're all trying to do in Drezen?"

Kevin frowned. "To stop the expansion of the Worldwound, correct? Something about the world overflowing with demons?"

Arueshalae sighed. "It's so much more than that. I was worried that you really didn't know."

Kevin's frown deepened. "Know what?"

Arueshalae pushed him back towards the dark wall of a shop that had already closed for the evening, so that they wouldn't be standing so out in the open. Once she was satisfied that their conversation would not be easily overheard, she took a deep breath. "There is so much more at stake here than you know. The Sisters are not simply trying to stop the expansion of the Worldwound: they will try to close it."

Surprise flitted across Kevin's face, followed by a deepening sense of dread as Arueshalae continued.

"There are many factions at play. The Lords of the Abyss are not known for their lasting alliances, but Deskari and Baphomet have made a pact to see this through. Their goal is nothing short of total domination of Golarion, which requires the expansion of the Worldwound to sufficient size to accommodate a demon army. Matters have been further complicated by Lady Nocticula: the Demon Queen of Succubi and my previous patron. She's involved in this now somehow, but I don't know to what end. But know this: by signing on with the Sisters, you've become involved in forces greater than you can comprehend, and you have to be aware of the cost of failure."

Kevin had grown more and more pale as Arueshalae had spoken, and when she finished he sank slowly to his knees against the wall and hung his head in his hands. "Well shit," he said softly. Arueshalae worried for a moment that perhaps she'd said too much and that Kevin would simply choose to stay in Absalom; in truth, a part of her almost wished he would. She had seen the trials of the Worldwound destroy the spirit of some of the greatest crusaders, and she was loathe to watch the same fate befall the free-spirited and cocky swordsman. However, after a moment, Kevin looked back up at the sky.

"There are no stars in Drezen," he mused.

"No," confirmed Arueshalae. "The smoke and haze from the Worldwound are too close."

Kevin nodded. "It would be a shame if the Worldwound grew beyond its bounds; it would cover the skies even here. I wouldn't like to live in a world without stars."

The hint of a smile played on Arueshalae's lips. "But if the Worldwound was closed, you might be the first person to see the stars over Drezen - to chart what the sky looked like over the ancient lands of Sarkoris."

Although his face was still very pale, Kevin smiled. "I'd like that." He rose to his feet, dusted off the back of his jacket, and then stepped back out onto the boardwalk. "We'd best hurry - we're going to be late."

Arueshalae followed, careful to mask how impressed she felt that Kevin had still opted to travel back with her, despite now fully understanding the risks. They rode back to the Coins in contemplative silence, getting off once again at the Grand Bazaar which seemed even more busy now that dusk had fallen, and was glowing with lanterns and magical orbs in spectacular display. They picked their way through the crowd to Lawrence's tailoring shop where they retrieved their items and bid farewell to the old elf, who waved them off fondly. As they passed back along the path towards the main road they noticed that the space where the gnomish woman had her cart of Desnan treasures now hosted a more permanent-looking market tent hung with woodcarvings. Arueshalae and Kevin exchanged glances, but neither commented on the odd disappearance.

Another short carriage ride later and they were back in the Merchant's Quarters, which was virtually deserted compared to the bustle of the marketplace. Kevin had nearly dozed off by the time the driver pulled up in front of the warehouse, where the overseer was fidgeting impatiently. All traces of annoyance faded however as the pair came into view, and he greeted them warmly. "Cutting it a bit close, eh?"

Kevin gave the man an exhausted smile and unloaded their cargo from the cart before paying the driver and waving him off.

They re-entered the warehouse, which was considerably more empty than it had been that morning, and Kevin paused in front of the gate. Arueshalae watched as he took a deep breath, gritted his teeth, and walked through. Hiding her smile, she followed after him and into the calm of a winter's evening in Drezen as the gate winked out behind them. It was very dark, and there were scant snowflakes falling from the sky to land on the crisp white ground and crunch underfoot. The temperature difference was startling, and Kevin pulled his scarf up around his shoulders with a shiver.

"Would you like some help with your bags? I'm not sure where you're staying," Kevin offered.

"Nice try, but I can carry them on my own. You can put those bottles behind the bar for Ariana," Arueshalae added, gathering her purchases into a bundle. "They'll help to pay for what you drank last night."

Kevin winced. "Ah. Right. Oh, Shal, one more thing…"

Arueshalae stood patiently. "Yes?"

"A lot has happened in the past… week," Kevin paused, as if to recount the days. It sounded like so short a time. "Is there a way that we can find you, contact you when things happen? That, and I'd rather not resort to getting slugged every time we manage to miss each other."

The succubus thought for a moment. “Perhaps. For now, you’re just going to have to deal with getting punched when you do something stupid.”

"That’s fair,” Kevin grinned. “Which happens more often than I’d like. Nothing irreconcilable yet, though - it’s not like I’m going to go traipsing into the Abyss!”

Arueshalae raised an eyebrow. “Indeed. Good night, Kevin.” She turned and stalked back towards her room, as silent as the snow.

#pathfinder #PAZIK

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kathyprior4200 · 4 years

Text

Helluva Boss (Remix)

Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

Just who were these imps?

A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1. Blitzo, a red and white faced imp, appeared on stage in front of purple open curtains. “Hi there, I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.” He put out his hand and the logo appeared above it. The “M” in I.M.P. looked like imp horns, black and white in color. Down below were the words “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

Blitzo spoke again. “Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?” A picture of Blitzo with a mustache and two black top hats over his horns was grinning evilly as a building burned in the background. The sign nearby read “Orphanage for elderly, blind, and newborn dogs.”

“Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to get fucked over by someone else?” The next image showed Blitzo in a white angel costume, throwing away a Styrofoam coffee cup in the garbage in an office.

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me. I really wish I could stick it to that yapping charter who saw me hiding the body!”

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

He waved his hand and a flaming portal appeared in the center of the room, causing Moxxie and Millie to scatter.

“…we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who may have screwed you over when you were alive!” He happily fell through the portal on his back.

Then the musical jingle started:

“When you want somebody gone

And you don’t wanna wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals”

“Whether grenade or cyanide

We’ll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals”

“We do our job so well

‘Cause we come straight up from Hell…”

“We’ll kill your husband or you wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife,

The Immediate…Murder…Professionals.

Kids die for freeee!”

A white person appeared with a thought bubble of his enemy with a red x. A demon fell to the floor and the person looked up. The I.M.P. logo appeared, Millie with a spear, Moxxie with a gun and Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to make an “M.”

Fast paced shots flashed through the ad.

Moxxie throwing a grenade out a window as his companions grinned.

Blitzo hanging a person in an office building while Moxxie watched. Millie held a piece of paper in her hand.

Then more killing scenes flashed: Blitzo electrocuting a person, Millie using a mace, Moxxie choking his victim.

Blitzo led the way through a portal to Earth, Millie and Moxxie following. Moxxie tripped on a book and landed on his face while the others posed. They then stood shocked…at the people in a church staring at them.

Millie killed a naked couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo looked greedily at a woman’s underwear.

Blitzo repeatedly stabbed someone else tied up.

The three imps used more methods to kill Earthlings: Medieval torture racks, shark attacks, fire and gasoline, pillow suffocation, crushing someone to death with a grand piano, electrocution in a lab…

“Kids die for freeeee!” ended the ad.

Moxxie and Millie sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxie played on his purple guitar as Millie watched him with love in her eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shot at demons together in the streets, drag a bloody sack behind them and when Millie got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill

And my Millie goes in for the kill

She takes away my breath

She’s the angel of death for me

Oh Millie

Queen, it’s like a dream

When I hear her victim start to scream

Get him out of the sack

She’s a maniac for me

Oh Millie

When the blood starts dripping down the sides

And the bodies start to fall from the skies

My heart skips a beat

When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night

That’s in love

She makes the murdering fun for me

A lottery for all the wins of Hell

It’s for her that I fell…”

Both of them hummed before Moxxie finished,

“Of all the imps in Hell…

Millie joined in, “It’s for him that I fell…

“Oh Millie.” They leaned in for a kiss.

They paused. Moxxie yelled, while looking out the window. His boss, Blitzo was pressed against the window with a video camera. “Are you fucking filming us right now?!”

Moxxie sighed, as a smiling Blitzo held up a sign which read “Meeting in 20 min: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

Just before the meeting, the head imp, Blitzo walked into the receptionist room.

“You what?” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“Blitz!” Loona barked in outrage.

“So…” Blitzo beamed nervously, “What can I do for you, Stolas?”

The owl overlord replied, lounging on his couch in a royal red robe and a crown.

“Remember that time when I told you that a political candidate was causing problems on Earth? That he tried to convince the world that global warming existed?”

“Yes?” Blitzo answered.

“And that it does, but more people die when nothing’s done about it? Oh, how lonely I felt.”

“That make sense,” Blitzo said.

“Well…I’m very happy for you, sir,” Blitzo said. “I hope that…corn-ah virus does its thing.”

Stolas sighed. “My wife wasn’t happy with me, though. She said you fell onto a cake in the middle of a lunch with the queen and the royal officials. What did you say to her?”

“I said…sorry I fucked your husband.” He gulped.

A tense silence.

Blitzo examined his chest and arms. “I still have the talon scars and peck marks to prove it.”

“And she also said that you stole one of my books, is that true?”

“No! No way!” Blitzo lied, with a nervous laugh. “That was another imp long ago. Can I tell you how great it felt…sleeping with you?”

“Indeed,” Stolas agreed with a contented sigh. “Your sharp horns and claws ruffling through my feathers, and my talons and beak exploring your multicolored flesh…”

“Oh fuck a dick…” Blitzo muttered.

Stolas’ eyes grew red. “Don’t get into trouble, Blitzy. When I’m angry…or excited…which I am…I become hungry. Want to know what happens? I want to choke on your ****lick your *****, tear through your **** leave you screaming as I ***** as you scream like a fucking baby!”

Blitzo hung up the phone, the words reading “creepy mouth: aka one night stand bird dick.” and smashed it with another old phone. He threw the pieces into a blender and mixed it up.

“Here, eat this,” he told Loona who walked in and drank the red liquid.

“And you know that bridge over the freeway?” he asked.

“Yeah?”

“Shit off it. It’s time for the meeting, let’s go.”

Posted on a door were the words “IMP Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

Blitzo began to speak, pacing back and forth. He looked toward his audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

“All right, now I know business has been…a bit slow, lately.”

“Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

“Loona, nobody cares,” Blitzo said. He continued.

“Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.” Blitzo cleared his throat and spread out his hands. “Now, I’m not saying it’s, *cough* Moxxie’s or anyone’s fault…”

Moxxie raised his eyebrows. The serious imp had a red face, yellow eyes, white hair framing his face and stripped horns jutting off to the sides in slight curves. He wore a large red bow-tie and a navy blue suit. White freckles were present under his eyes.

Blitzo continued, “…but let’s discuss how we can improve. Now does anyone have any ideas on how to get business drumming up again?”

Millie, the bubbly demon raised her hand. She had a red face, messy black hair with a white flower patch near the top, and short black horns with faint white stripes. Her eyes were also yellow and she wore a black top, black torn pants, high heeled shoes and a little black choker around her neck. Her eyelashes extended past her face.

Millie waved her hand and beamed, eyes shining. “What…about…a car wash?!”

“This is Hell, Millie, no one cares about cars being clean here, okay?!”