#when i got the house to myself or really late at night when i couldnt sleep i would let the dogs up on the sofa | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dckweed · 2 years

Note

Hey! So I thought of something a little different.. could you do a billy Hargrove x female! hopper reader (Byers/hopper family dynamic hopper and Joyce are together) where the reader has been feeling a little bit guilty for losing her virginity to billy so she’s been very down lately. While having family dinner, el and Jonathan have been sensing that something might be wrong with the reader and ask her if she’s fine and ofc she just snaps at them, but hopper honestly just thinks it’s teenage angst which just makes the reader more upset so she abruptly leaves the dinner table, then Joyce comes to talk to the reader and she tells her how she’s feeling, what happened and they have a heart to heart.

ahhhhh anything for my favorite requester! hope this is what you wanted, mwah!

p.s. im sorry if this gets really dark/heavy im in a really sad mood, someone called me a bad mom today and that bothers me in ways that no one can understand.

p.p.s did i open myself up for a part? probably. let me know in the comments if y'all want a second part to this lmao

warnings: SEX IS MENTIONED but safe to read for all ages as no actual smut is depicted. mama byers, clueless papa hop, sad reader, guilty reader, depressed reader? not too sure on that bc i write this before i even write the request lmao.pregnancy mention.

'..I JUST FEEL SO STUPID..' billy hargrove x hopper!reader, ft mama byers.

You made your way slowly down the halls of school, your head down, eyes averted like they had been for the past couple of weeks. You couldn't bring yourself to look at your fellow peers, feeling as if everyone knew your dirty little secret, especially when said secret so openly smirked and winked at you whenever he managed to make eye contact.

You don't really remember what possessed you to go and do it, maybe it was just how sweet he was to you when you were alone together, or how charming he could be when he really wanted something, and he had really wanted something, you. Or maybe it was his hair, or the abs..or the way his goddamn ass looked so sinfully delicious in those tight, tight jeans he liked to wear, fuck maybe it was just because his hand wandering your body felt so fucking refreshing and satisfying, or maybe you were tipsier than you thought.

Whatever it was didn't matter you supposed, because either way you had gone and lost your virginity to Billy fucking Hargrove of all the boys in the world that you could lose it to, you had honestly always imagined that it would have been Steve, the two of you had had a somewhat flirting relationship since he and Nancy had stopped seeing each other, and you always assumed it would lead to more, but Steve hadn't been at that party, nor had he asked you out when you had so desperately hinted that you were going to be bored and alone over the weekend.

Fuck, did you do it to spite him somehow?

No, that was stupid even for you.

That night haunted you still, the way that you had felt so fucking good during it, so blissfully turned on, satisfied like you never knew you could be, barely noticing the pain of his large, thick cock sliding in and out of you as he focused your minds on other things.

But you felt so used afterwards, so dirty and broken. Billy had spent a while buttering you up too, making you putty in his hands when he was finally ready and you hadn't even noticed it, the week he has spent finding every excuse to compliment or be alone with you, to flirt so unashamedly in front of everyone who could see, with you of all people.

And when he finally got what he wanted, his own personal gratification of conquering his next victim, he kicked you out of his car and sped off, leaving you stranded at the party that he had asked you too, and leaving you too drunk to walk, let alone drive.

Your father hadn't known where you were, and you couldnt remember anyone else's number at the time, so you called the Byers' house, hoping that Joyce wouldn't tell your father. Thankfully, Jonathan had answered, and he heard your voice, you were slurring your words so horribly that he knew he had to come get you before you could even speak.

He found you slumped on the front porch, throwing up in the bushes as you had started drinking heavier than you ever had while waiting for Jonathan, you had decided to drink away the night, hoping that your somewhat brother wouldn't notice your sadness, your disgust for your own self.

He hadn't, but he has figured that something was wrong. You passed out in the car, and the next morning you woke up in the living room, blanket over your head and an empty trash bin next to you. You didn't remember him coming to get you, you didn't remember anything past your third cup of tequila after Billy had kicked you out of his car.

God, it was all you could think about, Jonathan had come to make breakfast and saw the look on your face immediately. He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at you as he poured coffee. "Did something happen last night?" He asks, handing you a mug as you shuffled to the kitchen, he had let you wear one of his tshirts and a pair of his sweat pants.

You look up quickly, forgetting your migraine. "What? No. Why would you ask that?" You ask almost defensive about the question.

He shrugs, leaning against the counter, trying not to let you know that he definitely knew something was wrong now. "Because you were blacked out drunk when i came to get you, and i could barely understand a word you said on the phone." He says. "That's not like you, Y/N..'

You just shrug, taking your mug and heading back to the couch. This was pretty much your second home now. "Yeah, well, maybe i just can't handle my tequila."

He knew that that wasn't true, and for a couple weeks he watched you continue to be withdrawn and awkward, sad and tired looking, like you hadn't been sleeping. He knew something was eating at you, and as your somewhat brother, he was concerned.

He looked at you as he drove you home from school, you looked like you had lost weight too. He wondered if there was something physically wrong with you, because what could be affecting so badly mentally that you were losing weight?

You glanced at him as he drove, wondering what the hell he was doing. "The fuck are you staring at?" And then there was that, god you'd been so mean lately, towards everyone, especially your dad and Joyce.

You didn't know why you were so angry, so sad all at the same time. Was it the fact that he wouldnt even look at you unless it was to tease you with those stupid fucking eyes of his? Or maybe the fact that he wouldn't even speak to you anymore? Acting like you didn't fucking exist, like you were just some fucking random hookup in the big ole city of Los Angeles, despite the fact that this was fucking Hawkins, Indiana.

Jonathan shakes his head quickly, turning to look at the road. "Nothing..nothing.." He says, turning into the driveway of his house. You were all having a family dinner together tonight, there was no need for you to go home just to turn around again a couple hours later and drive across town.

You get out of the car, slamming the door before stomping up the porch, opening the door and flinging your bag and yourself into the couch.

Joyce peeks her head out form the kitchen, eyebrows knitted together. She cocks her head towards you when she sees Jonathan and the boy just shrugs, shaking his head as he walks into the kitchen to grab something to drink.

"No clue, she's been like this for weeks." He says, before sucking out and heading towards his room to get started on homework.

He didn't come out again for a while, but he could hear his mom cooking in the kitchen, it smelled good whatever it was and he couldnt wait to sit down and eat. It wasn't long before he heard Jim's truck pulling up, and a few moments later he heard the front door open.

"Hey, Y/N, how's was school?" Jim asks, looking at you as he shrugs his coat off, it was starting to get cool outside these days.

You don't even look up at your father, ignoring him completely as you finish up some of your school work, quietly hoping that nobody would try to ask you anything at dinner. You hated that Jonathan was being so nosey, but you knew he meant well.

"What's with her?" You heard him whisper to Joyce, you don't hear her respond but you hear a beer can crack open and you roll your eyes. You thought it was funny how Jonathan had asked you what was wrong more times than anyone, your father barely saying two words to you the last couple weeks. You assumed that he probably thought it was your period.

God, he could be clueless.

Not more than half an hour later, Joyce was calling everyone for dinner and Eleven and Will were walking through the door, Mike's mom having dropped them off. You gave your little sister a half assed smile and ruffled Will's hair before sitting down across from the boys, next to Joyce and Eleven.

Dinner starts off quiet for a bit, and you push your food around in silence, taking a couple bites here and there, keeping your head down, not even paying attention to the conversation. You didn't notice anyone had spoken to you until Joyce nudged your knee with her own, giving you a concerned smile when you looked up startled, a quiet "huh?" escaping your mouth.

"Sweetie, are you okay? You've barely touched your dinner." She asks, glancing down at your plate. Her voice was gentle, sweet even and you felt so horrible for not eating her food because god it smelled good, but you just couldnt bring yourself to, so intensely upset with yourself that everything made you throw up if you ate more than a few bites, though you were starting to wonder if you were pregnant because you couldn't remember if Billy had used a condom or not, and you had thrown up a couple mornings in a row after a fitful couple of nights of sleep. "Y/N?"

You snap out of it, and nod your head, giving her the best smile you could manage. "Yeah, im okay Joyce," You say, looking at everyone to make it believable. "I've just been really side tracked these past couple of weeks, busy at school, ive been stressed and not really hungry.."

Jonathan scoffs from across the table, and you snap your head to his direction, glaring at him as hard as you could muster, putting all of your anger as of late in to it. If it scares him, he doesn't show it because he opens his mouth to speak and you damn near vault across the table to maul him. "If side tracked is moping and flat out ignoring everyone then sure, she's been busy at school."

You see Eleven nod, and you turn your gaze to her. "You have been really sad lately, i heard you crying the other night." She says, looking at Jim and you. "I just assumed it was your period.."

Will nodded. "Me too, Mike says Nancy gets really mean when she's on her period too." He says in agreeance, rubbing his shoulder as Jonathan reaches out to punch it lightly.

"that's my girlfriend you're talking about!" He says defensively, though he wasn't too far from the truth. She did get a little mean, but he knew that that wasn't what was happening with you.

Your father clears his throat. And you turn to look at him. "Yes, well, im sure she'd like to deal with her period without us asking about it so.." He quietly goes back to eating his food and you glare some more, feeling the familiar sting of tears welling in your eyes as you realized that your father didn't even care enough to ask if it was true or not.

You stand up from the table, your chair falling over as you slam your hands down onto the tablecloth, your plate and silverware rattling in response as everyone turns to look at you. "Gee dad, thanks for caring enough to ask if anything is really even wrong, how fucking stellar of you!" You yell, your voice thick with tears. He looks up with you with wide eyes, his mustache twitching as he starts to speak but you beat him to it, your gaze on the boy across from you. "And screw you Jonathan for even bringing it up in the first place, mind your own damn business because it didn't fucking concern you!"

You leave, taking off briskly down the hallway, opening the door to Joyce's room and throwing yourself face first onto the bed as you cry, overcome with emotions that you didn't even realize you still had.

Everyone looks after you in shock, and Joyce clears her throat, giving Hopper a dirty look. "Shame on you for not trying to talk to her about it, she's clearly been upset for a while now.." She says, before turning her eyes to her son. "And shame on you for just putting her on the spot like that."

She stands from the table and follows you, she had seen you slam the door to her room. She hesitates at first, heading you crying. She wants to knock but she figured you'd tell her to go away so quietly she opens the door, closing it and locking it behind her so no one would interupt. She had a feeling you needed a mom right then, and a mom is what she wanted to be for you.

She walks to the bed, sitting on the edge of it tentatively. "Y/N.." She says, her voice soft, calm and gentle. It was almost soothing and you sniffle, trying to wipe your eyes. You weren't facing her, but you weren't going to tell her to leave, she was the only one who seemed genuinely concerned and not just wondering why you were being mean. "sweetheart, you can tell me what's going on, whatever it is..it will stay between us girls if that's what you need okay?"

and damn it if your walls don't break immediately.

You roll over to face her, a fresh set of tears streaming from your eyes as you speak, some of it sounding completely like gibberish as you tell her about Billy and how he had essentially fucked you and dumped you. "I should have seen it coming and i just feel so fucking stupid because how could i let that happen to myself?" You ask her, your voice calmed, the tears slowed. You feel her reach out and wipe them from your cheeks, caressing them softly. You subconsciously move your head into her lap. "Why am I so upset about it? It's Billy fucking Hargrove for Christ sake.."

She continues to caress your face, smoothing your hair as she listens to you speak. No wonder you had kept it so pent up for so long, there was no way your father was equipped for this without breaking down into to tears himself, and Jonathan was just as clueless.

"Sweetie, i am so sorry that he did that to you, that was absolutely awful of him," She says, trying to muster the best motherly advice that she could think of as she looked down at you, giving you the softest smile she could. "Boys your age are complete and utter menaces, they're clueless to the hurt that they cause others, and even more clueless about other people's feelings, and Billy Hargrove is no exception, except from what I've heard, he's the type of boy that sets out to intentionally hurt people, he just doesn't realize how bad that hurt can touch someone."

You sniffle again, letting out a shakey breath as you listen to her, her words washing over you as you cling to her pants, relaxing at the feel of her hands in your hair. Where was your mom when you needed her, huh?

"And I learned a long time ago that the best way to get back at them, is to make them think that they haven't hurt you as much as they have, make them think that they didn't hurt you at all, because that's what's going to get under a boy like that's skin." Joyce continues, looking down at you matter of fact ly. "He expects to see you, and every other girl he messes with like this, it's part of the game because he knows that you eventually confront him, wanting his approval and then he'll get more out of you, and maybe if you're lucky he'll treat you like a queen for a while, until he gets bored and moves to the next girl.."

"You think?" You ask, rolling into your back to look up at her, a few stray tears still rolling from your eyes. "I didn't think about that..Dana Watson was the girl he was with before..i know they went out once..and she seemed down for a bit until one day they started coming to school together, acting like a..couple..oh my god he's doing the same thing to me!" You sit up, your sadness wiped away, replaced with the tiniest twinge of anger. Your voice is still thick with tears.

Joyce hums. "There's always going to be that one boy, Y/N, and there's always going to be the next girl..and there's always going to be some kind of heart ache caused by his hands and those smooth talking, pretty words of his." She says, looking at you with the tiniest smirk. "The only way to beat him at his own game is to act like he doesn't bother you, act like you were the one using him..walk into that school on Monday and act like he's nothing but the dirt beneath your shoe..guys eat that shit up, you'll have his full attention, and he'll chase you, begging you to give in..but you won't, because by that point, you're so over him that you couldnt even begin to care about it anymore."

You smile a little, wiping your puffy eyes. "You sound like you've been through this before." You says, looking at her. She shrugs.

"I've had my share of teenage dirtbags back in my day.." She says, and you can't help but chuckle, already feeling infinitely better about the situation, until your stomach lurches a little and you remember the other thing that you had been upset about.

"Um.. Joyce?" You asks, your cheeks flushing almost in embarrassment. "That's..that's not um..i feel even more stupid about something else actually.."

She looks at you, eyebrows furrowed. "What, sweetie?" She asks, her voice still gentle. You knew out of everyone she was the one you could trust to keep it a secret, to help you through it if it was what you thought.

"Um, okay..you can't tell my dad yet until i know for sure but..i think..i think i might be pregnant.." You say, and her eyes go wide, her face pale. You give her a nervous smile. "Told you that there was something more stupid.."

#stranger things #stranger things s2 #billy hargove smut #stranger things smut #billy hargove x reader #hopper #hopper x reader #billy hargrove #joyce byers #billy hargove imagine #billy hargrove x hopper!reader #hopper!reader #billy hargrove x reader imagine

507 notes · View notes

babylove00 · 2 years

Text

Till time ends itself

Part 1, book 2

°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°

2012, two year after Natasha's and buckys wedding

It's been two years since Natasha and bucky got married, and things aren't working out. Him and nat have been going to couples therapy once a week to try and salvage their marriage. "I want kids but he refuses to talk on the subject!" Nat spat to the couple therapist. Bucky sat there for two hours each week with his wife arguing, the therapist said that it is "progress, that it's good that we are

communicating in some way" james thought this was a waste of time and money.

He didnt want kids with nat he didn't want anything with Natasha. All of this started on their second week of marriage when bucky and Natasha were having sex. Bucky moaned out y/n's name in the middle of the act. "James why dont you want to have kids?" The therapist asked her name was mrs. Margot, "I used too, but now I dont really see myself with kids" the real answer was i do want kids i just dont want them with Natasha. I want them with my old girl bestfriend, that I have cut off and haven't seen in two years because I made a huge mistake and married the wrong girl.

But still to this day he refused to think of y/n the thought of her y/e/c eyes or her soft smile made him sad. The happy memories now were sad, he felt guilty that he cut her off but Natasha made him. She was pissed when he moaned y/n's name not, the annual friend night they had once a week. The fun nights were they all teased y/n for being a science nerd, the trouble they used to get into I high school. Late night drives to McDonald's while they laughed and blasted music.

His life was blend, boring, mundane, uneventful. His life was every word that describes boring, he missed everything about y/n her smile, her laugh, her goofiness, her soft y/h/l, y/h/c hair. He thought about her everyday since his wedding, he still couldn't admit that he made a mistake though. That he royally fucked his life up, he couldn't take the burn of his own actions.

"James, what made you change your mind?" Mrs. Margot asked, james snapped out of his thoughts. "I dont really know, I mean I imagined this whole life I wanted and I thought had it but now this is so far from were I thought I was, from what I wanted." This was partially true, he did imagine a life with kids and a wife. A big house and happiness but even when he wasn't with Natasha and even in high school he imagined that life with y/n.

He thought that this was normal or he was just horny. That he couldnt actually be in love with her that every guy thought about what it would be like to love or dream about a life with their bestfriend. But he was sadly mistaken now he knew he loved her but every time he tried to come to terms with y/n being with another man he could feel the anger burn in the back of his throat.

He didnt know why he was so hung up on her. He had a hot ass wife who loved him, he made millions a year. A great company, fancy house and cars. He had it all so why did he feel like something was missing? Why did he feel like had nothing? Nothing without her. He hoped that his heart over time would forget y/n. Stop wishing and thinking about that stupid conversation he had with his mother at his wedding. She was right 'damn it why did she have to be right.' He thought.

The rest of the couple therapy was hell like always. Him and Natasha drove home in awkward silence, they now lived in New England in a huge house that Natasha insisted that they build the way she wanted. They walked in the house and went to their separate rooms. Yes it was that bad that they now had separate bedrooms, they hadn't had sex in probably 3 weeks. And it only happened because they were in argument, hate sex they only had hate sex. Love was something that wasn't here, and now they both questioned if it ever really was.

Its was now 5 PM and bucky went outside to check the mail. He opened the mail box and found some random letters but his breath was taken away when he saw a wedding Invitation.

You have been Invited to the wedding of y/n y/l/n and steve Roger's

June 15th

Bucky felt pain blossom in his chest as he continued to read about the details. Y/n was getting married to steve and it was in a week from now. He crused himself that he cut y/n off didn't say goodbye to her or steve and the both of you still looked at him as your bestfriend. He realized that he was now truly to late he was married and now you were getting married to the most wonderful man in existence.

He didnt know if you felt the same way but he had no clue that at some point you did love him the way he still loves you. He walked back in the house Natasha was sitting at the kitchen table, he was still in shock from moments ago. "What wrong it looks like you've seen a ghost." Natasha joked. he handed her the wedding Invitation, her eyes widened "y/n And steve are getting married" she said in disbelief

Bucky never cried but tears were about to spill from his eyes the sadness and hurt turned to anger. "Yeah they are I guess." Natasha just stared at him, she wasn't stupid she knew he was in love with y/n she knew it from the begging. But refused to address it and now she was facing the consequences. Bucky ripped the invite from Natashas hands and stormed off In anger, he went to his room.

He sat on his bed staring at the invite. tears fell as he wished that some how you could hear him "please y/n/n please, no love, I'm sorry." He mumbled. He got up and went over to his desk in a locked drawer was a pictures of y/n and old love letters that he never sent. Many nights he looked at them and cried thinking of wear he went wrong. He stared at your picture anger again filling him, he got black out drunk crying himself out of anger and tears.

#marvel fic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes x y/n #james barnes x reader #mcu au #spotify #stucky

19 notes · View notes

post-modern-prometheus · 1 year

Note

hey it's pretty late for me so sorry if this makes no sense or is weird but. im a junior in high school and college talk is kinda inescapable rn and it makes me very anxious but ive been following you for a while and its just really nice to see you talking abt enjoying college and having good friends and walking around in converse with a pocket copy of howl and being genderqueer and its like oh!! i dunno it seems less scary when i realize there's someone like me having a good time out there. so thanks for being you and posting about it on tumblr ig 👍

this just makes me. feel so much. bc middle school and high school kinda sucked for me and when i was that age i really couldnt see myself even surviving past then but now. i’m having the time of my life. my friend is in a band and we went to see him play at a bar last night, my roommate and i shared a shooter in the bathroom, and i rizzed up the sax player. last weekend my friends and i took a roadtrip to go see an artist (which also happened to be at a bar and we had to sneak in. college is really all about “be gay do crime” ig) and then went to a house show. bc frats and parties arent my scene. and i could tell right away bc i didnt dress or act like the people who go to those religiously. but that doesnt matter bc i wasnt alone and neither are you. even if the music scene isnt your thing, i promise there is so much more to college. you’ll find what you love and who you love. college is. the best. you meet so many people, but you also learn to love being by yourself. i walk around campus listening to music and audiobooks. i sit on random steps and in the grass and write. i do endless amounts of homework in the library or outside my apartment under the tree blasting records for the whole complex to hear. and you’ll find your people. my favorite story ab one of my friends is the time he got plastered and started puking and between heaves would recite lines of howl and the wasteland. the amount of poetry and old music posters on the wall in my living room is insane. we have tons of instruments bc we have this avant garde performance art punk noise band that we always talk about but have played like one gig and practiced twice. this got really long, but like i said, the emotions are getting to me n i’m slightly hungover (which if you’re stressed ab not really being into drinking DW i literally didnt drink until this year. good friends wont pressure you and if you decide a year later than everyone else that you wanna join in, no one will tease you. i don’t and will not smoke and no one ever tries to get me to. also if you do drink they take care of you. like i tend to fall asleep on floors and wake up on the couch of my friends’ apartments or in my own bed. people can be good- but ofc make sure you trust the right people when you’re not in the right state of mind.) and i just made this even longer and i don’t remember my train of thought but. i’m so touched by this and i feel for you and you will love it!

#tw suicide #not really but i just wasnt in the BEST state of mind n dont wanna trigger anyone

5 notes · View notes

erika-solic · 25 days

Text

{ ------> Snowy night. <------ }

..One day , on a snowy day and a little bit foggy day i wask as always walking back home from school , i was listening to music since im practically addicted to it.. I stopped at the near by store and buyed some sweets like oreo , m&m's and a apple juice ... when I arrived at the gate of my house ((my house is rather big)) and headed to the front door .. i locked it as I was greeted by my youngest brother ((he was 4 at the time)) ..I can say that it was almost hes routine to poke me and then run away giggling to the living room , thinking probably that i will chase him and play with him ... I do that like half of the time but that day i was really pissed for some reason ... I dont remember .. I went to the kitchen to drink some water and then got upstairs to my room ((on the first floor were everyones rooms exept my older sister who had to move downstairs since my youngest brother was born and he needed hes own room)) ..I closed the door to my room and sat on the chair that was next to my desk , i watched some youtube , eating the junk food i bought and then realised it was getting rather late so i got up and decided to go take a shower.. 40 maybe 50 minutes past and i go back to my room , i flop on the bed and put my glasses on this nightstand stool?? .. as I read tumblr and stuff , i realise i was getting sleepy so i turned off the phone and tried to sleep .. I thought it was weird since it was only 21:56 am and i mostly slept at hours like 1:00 am or 24:00 am?? .. I cover myself with sheets and tried to sleep ... but hours later i wake up to some strange noise from the outside .. ((i had a rather small but cozy room , with two windows on the garden that my auntie had, she was my neighbor)) so i as the brave kid i was or rather stupid i opened the window slowly and peeked to see if anyone was in the garden .. I realised that someone was standing next to the gate of my aunties house .. I freaked out so as I metioned that im dumb XD I said "Jeśli zaraz z tamtąd nie pójdziesz to zejdę i wpuszczę ci czysty wypierdol, rozumiesz?" wich translates to "If you wont leave the propety I will go down there to you and I will give you a solid beating , you understand?" ... the figure didnt move , though I had hopes he will leave but when the wind blew at my face I closed my eyes since some snow flew to my eyes and then he dissapeared .. it was weird for sure? I was scared but kinda excited since i loved horror movies and stuff related .. I closed the window and went back to bed ...

The next day i found out that someone tried to break into my grandmas part of the house ((she had like 1/4 of the house to her self)) and what it seemed on the cameras , the figure seemed angry that he couldnt break in so he threw my grandmas chair from her balcony , destroyed some flowerpots .. we couldnt tell who it was but we could tell it was some rather young and strong man .. My dad said he was probably high or something.. but this scares me to this day.

((im polish so my english is not fanstastic or even good probably XD))

#scary stories #life stories

0 notes

two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat · 1 month

Text

My cousin is supposed to be staying with us this weekend

She was supposed to be here earlier (she wouldve gotten here yesterday night if she hadn't stopped to get a hotel)

Shes being super dodgy about where she is and how long she's gonna be

She only gave us like 3 days notice that she was gonna be coming up here

Shes been texting my mom this whole time but now my parents have gone to bed cuz my dad is Routine Oriented™️ and Must be in bed by 9pm (preferably by 8 but he stretched it to almost 9 today just in case she showed up)

I am no longer in People Mode

So im just sitting here hoping she hasnt been like murdered or some shit but also hoping that if she's ok she goes to grandmas house to sleep on her couch instead cuz I dont wanna deal with getting her settled in this late

This is ME Time

I want to CHILL

I havent been able to chill all day

I couldnt fall asleep last night cuz of Anticipation but also my allergies were really bad so I couldn't breathe out of my nose so i didn't fall asleep til after 5am

I woke up at like 10am and had to clean the bathtub because we're having company (supposedly) and thats one of my TWO cleaning jobs (not counting keeping my room clean) and I was really proud of myself cuz I managed to get out of bed as soon as I woke up and got the tub cleaned

Then my dads cousin was over and chewby hates him so I was having to babysit a grumbly pitbull and try to keep her calm since my dad doesn't WARN me when Brad is gonna be here so I can't actually work with her on being chill around him

Then when me and my mom got back from the store dipshit was over here hanging out with my dad even tho my dad helped his wife leave him????? Like bro why do you think we want you here???

Then I took althea to get food for the week and lawrence is fucking stupid when it comes to planning roadwork. 6th street is a fucking mess. Getting to just food was fine cuz 7th street is alright until Kentucky street. But on the way back I took 9th street like I did last week to get back to Michigan street but Michigan street was CLOSED between 9th and 7th so then I had to turn around and go back to Maine street to get back to 7th street to get back to Michigan street. And there was so much fucking traffic cuz its the middle of the semester and yeah its spring break but its also the Friday at the end of spring break so people are starting to come back so there's like twice as many people as there would be if it was summer break.

Then I got home and dipshit was still here AND STAYED HERE FOR HOURS til my dad and Mike bribed the neighbors kid with weed (shes 18 and we're friends with her mom) to take him and his dog to a hotel cuz his (hopefully soon to be ex) wife is selling the house and kicked his ass out so he's effectively homeless now (he fucked around and found out. He's got a bus to somewhere next Wednesday. Hopefully not to where his wife is. Bobbi says she is living her best life now that she's back home with her parents and all her friends)

Like I have had a fucking day dealing with people and I do not have the patience to deal with getting my cousin settled at almost midnight. I am fried. I want to sit in my dark room with a bowl of yogurt with chocolate granola and raspberries and snuggle with my cat and watch horror game playthroughs on youtube until im ready to go to bed

1 note · View note

mybloodyfamousprophets · 4 months

Text

madison - bloor

i said that id quit smoking but you saw i got another pack, my friends are going out tonight and lately ive been such a wreck, i guess i need a night, away from all the worldly troubles, put another on my tab, and make sure that it was a double, shot,

in the dark, we were dancing all night, because it takes away the pain until we walk into the city lights, it’s always been my home for as long as I remember, never lived far from the train tracks, but now i’m in the thick of it

in the bar, on Madison Avenue, i make a bad decision for all the things i choose to do, are, out of hubris, i’ll make a mistake, make long island sugar honey so i wont remember anyways,

i stood there alone, in the smoking alleyway, where college students pass me and i see someone i recognize, but we don’t talk, and that’s not what i’m here for, i just want to forget about the last chapter

just off bloor, we were dancing all night, and it took away the pain until we walked out into city ^lights, and i would’ve stayed, to find somebody to take me ^home, but i walked out alone, and it’s too late to take the train back to my place, and i’m miserably walking out to catch a, ^streetcar ride, i feel so, I’m already hungover, and i’m keeling over on college street corner, is there somebody here to, save me from ^myself?

the next night, the venues a friends house, backyard liquor bottles and plastic foil cuppy shots, and he’s got a boombox, the rhythm is healing my soul, as it infects every corner of my mind,

but i won’t queue my favourite song, they’ll say it’s too long, but i don’t really mind, cause it makes me think of the old times and his songs don’t and I think that’s just what i need, tonight

just off of king, we were dancing all night, and it took away the pain until i walked into the city lights, but there was no fun walk home cause I left there alone, taking only my vices out,

and i’m stumbling down richmond street, it’s way too late, my head is pounding and i wonder if one day i will change my fate, cause the pen is in my hands and the script is running wild, like my kid self imagination somehow got up and took the wheel

when i was 15, i was feeling wild and free, stealing rum from kitchen cabinets on that year we were all locked, inside, and i drank a horrid concoction that i know that i shouldnt have, and i felt awful the next morning but i think it opened my eyes, a little liquor rinsed out my, mind,

i was alone in my room and i was dancing all night, and it took away the pain until i woke up to the morning light, my head had never felt worse, and the second part of understanding, came,

you can take away the pain, but it changes, conservation ^energyv it comes back in a different way, it's the same, and i stand here alone, cause i'm still that kid, in a way, if nothing else is the same,

i promise i'll grow, and i swear that i'll change, i know that i'll be different, but i'm still the same,

but why do i think, that i'm the same kid, when i've survived and you haven't adapted?

you put a seed of doubt into my mind i could not shake, a two year burning flare that made my hope evaporate, you wanted me to quit but i rolled up to cope with you, didn't care,

running away, will not make, your chase, disappear, in my mind, filled with haze, my thoughts sound clear, until they didnt, until i couldnt,

cause the starships hit my eyes, and i could barely form a sentence, i was crying out to TS10, track 5, 2:06, and i was trying hard to get a grasp on, how i can live with, everything that's happened this life,

cause i was 4 with my ipod touch, heartbroken girls that sang to me, about things that i wouldnt understand, but influenced me when i came of age, and every trip and every pack makes me think that there is a better way, through the headphones i found hope, and the wires around me, turned into noise blocking that manages to keep me sane, on the ground with my head in the sky, i think this might be the last time,

cause i wake up and i see the morning light, i'm feeling the pain but i try to be alright, cause i can't keep rolling through, every problem that i, happen to have in the day, and i can't undo my, mistakes,

i have to live you because the clock wont run backward, i play a good tune instead of lighting a backwood, i write for hours without burning a cigarette, cause i lived, outlast, for the last time, i have survived and this life, to fix, is mine

0 notes

loyalestmunch · 5 months

Text

11.19.23

actually the loneliest ive ever felt. i dont have a best friend. the two friends that i do have both have boyfriends n are preoccupied with them. im always in my room. im always in my four walls. i dont have a life outside of here. and i hate it so much.

i dont have someone i can spontaneously visit whenever i want anymore. i dont have a safe person that will always make time for me. if im sad, i dont have someone to go to. and it fuckiing sucks.

what sucks even more is when i sleep until 5 pm and check my phone to zero notifications. ts makes me go right the fuck back to sleep

i made an editing acc on tt. its cool its got like 70 smth followers so far. i really fucking hope i can make friends on there. but like. everyone in the editing community is like. 15 or 16. it just sux i used to edit at those ages too but now here i am at 18 (almost 19!) crawling back to the editing community to maybe find even a small glimpse of the happiness it gave me when i was younger. but nothing beat the feeling of dreaming of an edit in ur head all day.... waiting till school got out... running (literally) home to whip ts up on video star before i forgot it and then uploaded it and shared it amongst my little editing friends. and then i'd stay up late until 2 am or so watching and saving other edits i thought were cool. even in quarantine, i found joy in editing. november 2020 was actually the worst year of my life but also the best i miss it so much i miss the plethora of friends i used to have fuck. i miss playing identity v otp all night long with ray, i miss playing genshin in vc and doing stupid shit and farming for artifacts for hours on end with jazzy and tason and ray and gabby. my poor ipad wld overheat and my fingerprints would burn from dragging them across the hot screen but i didnt care . it was fun.

edit im not done i have more things i want to reminisce about .

ive been rewatching rick and morty and keeping up with the new seasons in the same sense that i watched it in middle school and now im crawling back to see if it brings me the same joy. and it does !. for the most part. but since justin got fired rip there's new voice actors. and it's fine honestly i dont care that much im still gna watch it but i hate how everythings changing. 13 year old me cldnt begin to fathom rick and morty losing (one of its) most renowned creator(s). like fuck. he voiced RICK AND MORTY. BOTH. like holy fuck. but its fine i guess the writings still kinda the same and the show is funny and makes me happy. i wish i had someone i cld take with me everywhere like my own little morty . i need friends.

i also miss the essence of boxed fettuchine(???) alfredo while watching r/m or camp camp at gammys house. ts was fire

i miss the roblox theme park tycoon and the chocolate cake we made that day and ate. it was so good.

i miss the lego game my cousin and i wld play. we didnt even do anything my mind just couldnt believe an open map game i haad so much fun just walking around and looking and doing absolutely nothing. and eating reheated pizzahut. and mcdonalds cookies. and funfetti boxed cake.

i miss when i had my phone taken when mom and i stayed at gammys when parents almst got divorced and i used her old iphone 5 she forgot she gave me and i had my little fandom acc on insta with my little mooties and friends and the warmth of gammys house in november fuck i miss it all i miss growing up so much i hate being an adult. i cant fucking have fun sober i dont have friends im alone nearly every single day i dont have friends in college i dont ta\lk to anyone i fucking just show up and leave without removing my earbuds.

and i know its my fsult. i know im the reason why i dont have friends. im the only reason why im like this. i only do it to myself.

im so alone and i just keep fucking regressing to find happiness because there's none here in present day thats for sure !

0 notes

chappedlipjournal · 8 months

Text

I had a dream last night. There was a little girl who was going to die sitting on my lap. She was my sister. We were in a grave yard filled with people who had also died of her condition. I was already devestated. This was the same dream but all of that was gone.

There was a flood of people and my family, i had two men who were very important to me but i dont know my exact relation to them. We were going down all of these stairs. They were narrow and steepm there was lots of dark wood and stone and iron fences. And i was overwhelmed and turned around and said i couldnt do it and i couldnt escape the flood of people. I just ended up having a meltdown.

Finally we got out of the people and we were in like airport but it was a mall but it was a best buy. I was having a bad time but i really liked looking at the display screens. I remember stimming. I remember those two men looking after me. I knew i was safe with them.

At some point, one of them had come up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and we just swayed while I stimmed and it was so so nice.

We ended up in a house somewhere. And the other man held me. We were like on a bed watching tv or something. But we were skin on skin. He could rest his chin on top of my head. And it was also really nice.

The dream ended up badly though because then i was alone coming down from this meltdown and some ghost thing started fucking with me and tried to drown me and was ripping off my clothes. Then i woke up and it was like 2 pm.

I don't really know why im typing this out. I guess its because i dont want to forget what being cared for like that felt like. I haven't really felt that before. And they didn't judge me. They just took care of me when i couldn't take care of myself. I think maybe its my brain still trying to cope with the meltdown i had last weekend that was then compounded by the fact i got triggered. Like it was trying to rewrite it to make it not as bad to have happened to me.

And i do wish i had someone in my life like that. That could make me feel that safe that could make me feel that cared for. I feel like im finally starting to have some language for my experiences. And i think my brain is trying very hard to reconcile all of this.

I never really thought i could be autistic because i didnt have meltdowns but i think i very much do. I can think of a few times in my past in which i had meltdowns but i didnt know thats what they were. But i do think i shut down and dissociate more oftenm exercise and overstimulation being some triggers there.

In other news im still having really bad urges. And i just keep thinking its so weird i can go to the gym and then come home and want to cut. Its so weird i can perform my job with tight deadlines this week and then come home and be immbolized by my urges for hours. I just dont get it. And part of me wonders, if i just do it will it go away. Will it stop the fucking voice in my head. But i know that is not how it works. It is not how it worked before.

And im still having feelings about heartstopper. Mostly good feelings. But i also cant shake that knee jerk reaction i had. It was like ice cold water spilling down my spine and an IMMEDIATE urge to cut. I know its my job to manage my triggers but how am i suppose to manage them if im not given the tools to do so? I feel like im going in circles with all this lately and im tired. Im so fucking tired. And thats what makes cutting so tantalizing bcuz if i do cut it will be quiet for a while. And part of me wonders if maybe i need to reframe relapse and harm reduction techniques etc in my head.

Its bed time. Im tired. I wonder how much of my energy these days is taken up by trying actively to not slice my skin open. Because it feels like a lot.

0 notes

blackvail22 · 9 months

Text

i have to write down what im gonna say to my counselor because i genuinely have to make sure i have all of my thoughts straightened out so i dont blank like i always do

my sister moved out on friday and saturday. it feels easier than last time, but it still doesnt feel right. like, i look at my clock when it's almost 4 and i think "oh, my brother will be home soon" and then it reaches 5 and im like "oh, my sister will be home soon" but they never arrive. its a sad realization every time but... yeah. i hung out with my sister and her friend on friday when my sister started moving. her friends personality is very... big, loud, but she can't help it so i dont mind it. my mood went from reserved -> opening up -> starting to be myself -> shut down. like, i was fine until i jokingly said "you have friends?" to my brother, when i know that he does..., and he said "i have more than you" and then he said that my online friends dont count. which, sure... i dont leave my house to see and hang out with them, but they're still friends; i still hang out with them somehow. idk, it just made me feel like .... idk what the word is.... it was just on the spot, and the way everyone was looking at me.. its like i was scared. not like anxiety-scared, but scared-scared. i dont really know why, though? i mean, actually.... i do have a bf and it kinda felt like they were invalidating that (even though they dont know about it and actually only .... hmm.... a few people know aobut it but i digress) but other than that, i dont really get it? it felt like they thought i was just being overdramatic when i said "they dont really hang out with me though" . ANYWAY yeah, i felt sad after that and like my walls went up too. on saturday i dont remember anything significant happening.. ijust remember i worked that day. i worked sunday too. after work on sunday, i have a lot of time because i had an early shift. i started to clean up all of the clothes i have everywhere. i mean, i guess i did alright, but my room still isnt clean somehow so. oh, also late that night i tried moving my bed into my sisters old room and i couldnt drag it like i could my other mattresses because theres a protector on it, so i got my bed, like, stuck and i slept on the floor of my sisters old room LOL it was kinda nice though. monday my brother got the bed in the room and it was nice. i put my desk in this room too. i dont have many of my things in here. i like how little things r in here. sometimes when i have too much stuff in a space i feel like so.... panicked. idk. i like how empty it feels in here. i might never put the rest of my stuff in here lol. uhh and then tuesday (yesterday) i worked as usual. i was talking with my old coworker though about life n stuff and she mentioned how she was looking for a roommate for when she rents and appartment and i offered to be her roommate so thats something now. i havent told anyone else about it because i feel like my mom and dad would be like pissed off which.... doesnt make a lot of sense to me because im less than 3 weeks away from being 18 and i told her i wouldnt rlly be able to move in until early september because of my surgery but anyway.... it makes me anxious to think aobut anyway because i dont have a license UHHH so ... itll be so hard getting to and from my appts and going to and from work. so thats kinda stresful but yeah that was my week. so much to talk about!!!

i stg me talking abt all of this is going to leave me with 45+ minutes to fill because all of this is like nothing LOLLLl

0 notes

ireallydontunderstandpeopleatall · 10 months

Text

it's Sunday night, father's day 2023 and Richard just left and idk why it felt like he took my heart with him when he left. he annoyed me so much when he was here, i yelled at him constantly and couldnt wait for him to leave although I didn't have the heart to tell him to get out and the only reason he actually left tonight is bc I have work tomorrow and he FINALLY goes back to work on tuesday which is when his work leave is over that he requested for for the California San Francisco trip. I cried when i came back inside, in the shower and while I was putting my pj's on like a high school girl that just got dumped my emotions are running high and idk if it's the pre-period hormones or what but i thought i hate him so why am i missing him so much already. i told myself i hate him. will never forgive him and i thought atlanta healed me so what happened? i seriously have not had time to enjoy my post vacation highs by myself, after atlanta i had a week before san francisco and richard has been here since san francisco and i didnt want to make him leave after he just helped me drive during our california trip and he was still off work so i said ok you can stay for a few days and now it's been one full week since we got back from california plus an extra weekend. so the first week back we're recovering and it was ok, he irritated me here and there but we got along for the most part and of course me yelling and throwing insults every so often although I think I only brought up his infedelity once which is a huge improvement and like I said I think atlanta made me feel like a new person. so there was time when he was his usual lazy self that seems selfish like he didn't want to participate in cleaning up his soda cans, the dinner we finished that is still out or just sitting at the computer when smores is in bed waiting for him. but then there's times when hes doing things like actually paying for our meals, and then there was that good moment when he suggested we buy food to make at home so we don't keep eating out which surprised me but made me happy and then he's driving me to pick up Aiden and he's helping with laundry or doing helpful things without me having to ask him. and then there are times when we are watching black clover and eating or playing with smores in the bed or watching something else and enjoying just being in each other's companies and we're able to live in the moment and it just feels nice to have someone to be next to and i think about how most of the time it's just me and the dogs and i think i forget how lonely that can feel sometimes however i haven't felt lonely about it lately, but yet now that i am comparing it to sitting next to richard watching tv and how i feel like i prefer that because it actually feels so much better but it's also hard for me to admit that because i'm suppose to hate him remember? because during the entire first year we were together he was never honest with me once and he spent counless times at his ex girlfriend's house, going to hang out with richelle and hiding it from me, being with another person on camelback regularly and solicited sex workers and one time i was pretty sure i saw fingernail marks on his back that he gaslit me for. yeah remember all that? that's why we hate him and we promised to never date him or consider marrying him again. but then when i just literally vibe with him and we are vibing and then i think to myself "oh, this is why i thought we could get married" "because we do actually vibe" and i think it's real unless he's persuading me into believing something untrue again. but i really do think it's real, i really do think we vibe when we let it happen, but i also know that we are on different wave lengths more often than we vibe. i know being a shut in with me in what feels like an infinite amount of time is not his cup of tea. like when we were in cali and we got in the first night to santa ana and after getting back from the beach and it is already late for someone at my age (35) and he was still talking about

0 notes

fsd-a · 1 year

Text

when i love someone, especially if we’re in a relationship, they’ll become my world. i remember it so well when i just moved from my old house to the new one, you called me and told me that you felt lonely since you cant go out and stuff. my heart broke when i heard that and think to myself that im such a useless gf if my partner is feeling lonely when theyre in a relationship w me. so i tried to see my friends less often and in the end i stopped hanging out w them. i just stayed in my house talking to you on the phone all day all night, having quality time as much as we could.

until you chose that you dont want it anymore. you started to say that im too clingy and you didnt get your ‘me time’. i was already so attached to you, but ofc, ill listen to you and i gave you some time alone. i started to having a a zoom meeting or group call w my friends but you got mad at me because you think i spent too much time w them and it made us have not enough quality time. the same thing happened when i played ml w my friends. im not a liar so i wont deny that sometimes i played too many times w them and forgot about the time.

but then you started to think that im always at home and you want me to go out. so i went out, it wasnt even just hanging out, like just chill and stuff, it was for my thesis. you got mad at me again because you didnt trust my guy friends. you forgot that i already hang out with them like that until late before i even met you. but i still chose you, so i tried to go home as soon as possible that night, but it was raining hard and i forgot to bring my key. you didnt want to know about that, all you care about was i go home right away. i really couldnt that night, i had to wait until morning so i can get in. you got mad, ghosted me, said you dont want to care and dont want to being in a relationship with me. i didnt even enjoy myself at ‘basecamp’ that night, all i could think about is you. did you even think about me? no, you slept. me? had to keep my eyes open even tho i was sleepy af so you wont get more mad.

anw the worst part of you being my world is when you decided that you dont want to talk to me at all. can you imagine that? you were the only thing i know. i tried to ask for help but then realized i dont have friends anymore. everyones busy w their life. they dont have time to casually hang out w me or listen to my rant. and you? i tried to ask for your ‘help’ too many times, but you always refuse to help. you dont even want to compromise. that was the most lonely ive ever felt in my life.

0 notes

driftingandlostwords · 1 year

Text

week 1

started draft january 27th

the first week after i broke up with him was really rough it was so confusing and painful. i broke up with him on the 5th and then he told me that he went to go stay with friends that friday night through saturday night. he came back on sunday and said how he had been sleeping in his car the past night and had lied abt staying with ppl. and it just made me so angry that he had done that bc it made it seem like i was a barrier to him having a place to stay when i told him it was okay for him to be here and that it didnt matter to me. it made me angry that he lied to me about staying at peoples places when all he had to do was ask if it was okay for him to stay there. he also had his parents place to go to and i just didnt understand why he didnt take any of those options. sleeping in the car just made me seem like the bad guy that kicked him out when that wasn't the case at all.

he then told me on the night of the 8th that he told his parents that we had broken up when he had dinner with them that day. that was really upsetting to hear because that was not what we had agreed upon. we had agreed that if we broke up that we would tell his parents together since im pretty close to his family. at the time, i didn't fight it because i was too exhausted and it was sort of a whats done is done kind of deal. thinking about it now, i feel like he told me that because he knew that it would hurt me and it would let him have control of the situation. at the time, i just made the mental note to talk to his parents on my own time when i felt more stable to do so. he half slept in his car sunday night and then came back up around 4am or something and i just slept on the couch. monday night he went to stay with his parents and he came back tuesday morning with all the food that his mom had made for us. we went to work separately that day because he "didnt have enough gas in his car." he went to go stay with a friend on tuesday night since he was going down to Houston for a concert on the 11th. funny thing about the concert is that he told me it would be a three day trip when i first asked and it turned out to be a single day - they left wednesday morning and then came back thursday afternoon while i was still at work. when he came home on thursday he was asking me for help with the laundry and then i saw that he was on the phone with jordan in our own apartment while i was sitting outside doing wfh. it felt like such an insult to everything we had talked abt that past thursday (5th)

wednesday was when things got bad again >> i wrote this on 1/27 and now on 3/27 i have no idea what really happened on a week to week basis <<

january recap from what i can remember now [3/27] - the rest of the month was really just a downhill trend. we went from saying we would try to make things work the night i broke up with him to strange/petty/childish behavior not even 24 hours after the breakup. he wouldnt stay at the apartment but he also refused to stay at his parents house or at friend's places. it was his choice to sleep in his car for whatever nights he decided and thats on him - he wasnt about to make me out to be the bad person when i offered what i could to him. he also couldnt make me leave when it was him that destroyed everything we had. i remember at some point he came back one day and just erupted about how he couldnt live there anymore and that it was too much. he ended up going to stay at his parents house since i think they had left for vietnam at this point. he initially agreed to split the rent with me even though he wasnt living there but then wouldnt communicate it with me about it/made it seem like i was being unfair to him when i literally couldnt afford the place by myself. i didnt dump the place on him and it would just be courtesy to return that act to me. instead i got met with petulant childishness. i remeber i asked him to come clean the hamster cage late janurary and he just wouldnt do it because he couldnt be at the apartment. well if you wont take the hamster with you then you gotta come take care of it - its not my pet and you cant take things out on it. it took me telling him to grow up and be mature for him to come and do it. and when he was there he got upset at the stupidest things and then left storming off. at some point he came back for clothes and snapped at me for asking questions when i was just curious what was going on. i got accused of trying to keep tabs on him. and then he did a 180 and said how he couldnt be at the apartmet because it made him upset and then he asked for a hug and just sobbed and hyperventilated on me. there was so much whiplash in that interaction but i couldnt find any ounce of sympathy for him. i cant even really recall everything that happened in between when he left to go stay with his parents and when his parents came back. i know i was able to see his location through some weird glitch. so i knew that he was spending time at jordan's house and that he went down to austin with her. i know that late january i found out through sheyla that he had lied about everything. i knew that he lied to me about the friend group going bar hopping in bishop arts - he and jordan went alone on a date (a date that i actually dressed him for which is fucked up beyond belief). i found out through sheyla that the austin trip was just them two and that he had lied about it being a team trip. i found out through sheyla that he had lied about when we broke up as well which is crazy. if he wanted out so bad fucking leave dont drag me along with false promises and hope and dont throw your friends under the bus to lie to me. i cant really remember anything else that happened in january but finding out all the lies and the constant immaturity are really the overarching things

1 note · View note

fraener · 1 year

Text

3/19/23

yesterday it was 64 out. we’ve nearly gotten past the last frost, there are a few cold nights looming ahead. the day was beautiful and sharp and strange. hans and i had a picnic in the park and while he was out getting a new pair of waders i watched the track house burn, start to nearly finish. the air was heavy with the heat of the day and the fire made a sound like it was crawling. we went back in the night, hans and i, and a few of his coworkers were there watching the last embers leap in the dark. the smoke made us cough and we got weird white stuff on our shoes. the fire department hadnt turned the water main off so everything was flooded. ive been walking so much lately, its helping with everything. i decided not to take that job this summer after all, which of course now im regretting just a bit. i just didnt feel like it was going to be a good environment to work in, they werent being transparent with me about what they were hiring me for through the interviewing process and i didnt like being asked to only teach things that were easily marketable. i dont like a school thats focused on turning a profit rather than providing diverse and unique learning opportunities. plus the pay was going to be shit. i might work for the geoduck farm, but im not fully sure yet. ive been having terrible luck with the grocery shopping, things keep going wrong or something i bring home is off. tonight i spilled my dinner on the floor but i didnt get mad, i just laughed and cleaned it up. i feel a little lighter than usual, i think i feel good. i can feel the writhing worm of anxiety under my surface but i feel good. last night rosie slept next to me in the crook of my body all night long. hans told me this morning that r really didnt like how i carried myself or the fact that i disagreed with her and talked back to her. to her she always found me difficult to control, threatening to her manipulation web and harbored a good amount of resentment for me was incredibly freeing. i dont feel bad about anything ive done now because it doesnt have anything to with me. all of this could have been prevented had she been honest, but she was having a hard time scraping me off, clearly. i ran into amys michael on the street which was a wonderful surprise. ive been reacting poorly to dairy lately, i think all of my allergies are really heightened right now. everything is starting to bloom, the osoberry and the redcurrant and the daffodils and violets are filling the air with pollen and scent. even the plum and cherry trees are opening, slowly but surely. i turned the bed over for spring today, well see if im warm enough. the equinox is tomorrow. the heather gave me a big branch of monkey puzzle tree the other day. i finished up with school for now except my eval meeting. my final critique went well, people liked my work and complimented me a lot on it. one of my classmates said the plate with hans on it looked like it was cracking because the love we had couldnt be contained and it made me cry a little. i love him so much, being with him is helping me heal so much, not being punished for who i am by someone i love is healing me so much. climbing out of the depression, certainly, but not quite there with the anxiety. still have some climbing to go. although things have improved so much in the last year... my intrusive thoughts are much quieter and one track. theyre really only focused on the one thing most of the time, which i am seeing like when im washing the sink and all the gunk gets swished into one little heap headed for the drain trap. were going to work on unburdening in therapy this week a little so i think thatll help. the smell of the rain on the hot pavement today nearly made me cry. actually i did tear up a little, i felt so at peace and unbothered by anything. everything is ringing out a little clearer each time, i am really feeling a return to myself bigger and bigger with each ring. i feel much more comfortable with myself than i did in the voyeuristic relationship i had to myself last year. this year has passed so fast to me in this moment; i feel like everything with o happened so recently. in some ways it did i suppose, only 5 months ago. i want to write more poetry again. i feel like ive woken up from underneath something the last few days, i hope it stays that way. the spring is beautiful. everything is reaching for the light of the sun this year so hard, as if we all felt the quake of my emotions and grief and fear this winter. i was so arrested. i am so close to free now.

0 notes

milesdarobot · 1 year

Photo

Been feeling depressed lately. couldnt sleep. I think i just want to isolate myself for a while and just focus on nothing but my work. Here are character designs for my current big animation project. they’re based on childhood friends. The animation is based on a fond childhood memory. Unfortunately Player 1 passed away a few months ago. I feel a bit sad that i didnt pay him much mind when he tried talking to me a year prior to his death...I had so many amazing memories with him as a kid.... i wish i got to discuss them with him one last time. The idea behind the animation takes place during his 10th birthday party, where we all spent the night at his house.. I wish i never drifted apart with Player 2. He was mt best friend as a kid... He still texts me Happy Birthday every year at least... I forgot to tell him “Happy Birthday” a few weeks ago. I felt too nervous to tell him “Happy belated Bday” I really dislike adulthood.... i hate feeling like wanting to die all the time. Thinking about my childhood always brings me comfort... I really want to go back then and live there in limbo... I was still depressed then... i was struggling with SH back then... but i was still much happier than i am now... I dont want to feel this way anymore

#Illustration #digital art #character desugb #vent #nostalgia

1 note · View note

tumortunes · 1 year

Text

updates

halloween was fun! we went to lin lin's friends house again. i dressed up as aang and nathan was appa. i thrifted my whole outfit! it was super cute and i got a lot of compliments from people saying they liked my costume.

i didn't drink too much at the party so i felt good the whole time. and i played a lot of beer pong! nathan and i won like 3 games, i played a game with a guy in a fairy costume and we won, and we lost when playing liz and this random guy at the party dressed up as the professor from power puff girls. he was carrying a bottle of chemical x which was just hennesy. barf

im glad we went tho. i was feeling a little stressed about the outfit and paying for the ubers there but it all worked out well.

i've also been hanging out with more school friends. i ate brunch with sophia and christina at town and country. but it was so healthy there. i wouldnt go back lol. i just got a latte bc it was a vegan restaurant. dont trick me with your fake chorizo!

i also went to the w basketball preseason scrimmage with sophia and saw a bunch of people there.

and my fav part was probs doing hot pot at home with nathan, mai, and jenn. i originally was just gonna hang with jenn and order in food. but nathan got a bunch of hot pot ingredients! so we all stood around our tall table bc we only have 2 chairs lol. and we did hot pot. it was really good! and it was fun chatting with mai and jenn. mai left earlier to get ready for a halloween party on campus. jenn and i were supposed to do some painting but we ended up just chatting instead. and later that night we saw jimmy o yang! it was a really good show. this night was probs the highlight of my halloween week and it wasn't even really halloween related. just fun times with friends and good food and a free date night with nathan.

ive been working on doing scholar rx and anki lately. i updated my add ons so it's more fun with killstreaks and a heat map for what days/how much i worked on anki. it's def motivating. im realizing that i remember things better when i write them out on my ipad. it takes longer but def helps it stick in my memory when i know the spelling of the word.

i think i've always done this but now it's more clear. but if i can see the spelling of the word in my head then i can remember and pronounce it better. it feels like im reading subtitles in my brain. and if i dont know how to spell a word, then it's really low odds that i'm gonna remember that word or pronounce it correctly. i find that it happens a lot with words in different languages or medical terms. if i only have an auditory intro to the word then it's easy for me to get the sounds of the word mixed up. but once i see the spelling and break down the word into easier chunks, then i can use that word more effectively and apply it. but the thing is that im an awful speller. im good at reading but not spelling. it used to drive mom and dad crazy bc i really loved reading and would do it a lot. but i couldnt spell for shit and was always making errors when i wrote myself. there's something about seeing the word in front of me vs in my head that makes it stick.

i feel like ive accomplished a lot of the goals that i set for myself lately and now i want to do more.

what im proud of accomplishing:

sewed my prom dress

went to prom and had fun

made my halloween costume

went to halloween party and had fun

lots of quality time with friends

finished scholar rx bricks for derm

working on anki consistently

read some books

attended some writing workshops for aya even tho i was uncomfy and didn't like feeling vulnerable. i cried.

attended the self love workshop

what i want to work towards:

work out - walking, playing basketball, anything really. ive been very stagnant and it takes a lot for me to get out of the house. once im out it's easy for me to continue being active. but if im already inside, then i wont make the effort to be active. but my step count in oct was lower than sept so i wanna keep staying active. GOAL: at least 5k steps 3 days a week.

care for dry skin - find solution for dry skin over top lip

wake up earlier, dont just stay up all night and sleep in all day

if nathan is home then seek alone time outside of the house

0 notes