#which isnt bad but for me it feels parasocial

[dwter]

hey everyone, so ive had a lot of time at this point to ruminate and have had conversation after conversation about everything going on and i truly and genuinely mean this when i say i think so much of my thinking and immediate reactions were entirely based in fear, anxiety and grief that i didn't give myself the ability to view the situation as it is.

ill say from the beginning ive always chosen to view this in a worst case scenario perspective. not just for myself, but also i think dismissing the victim ESPECIALLY those using anything to dismiss her literally instantly is really icky and so ive always looked at this with the perspective of everything (more or less) being true. now with that in mind--i dont think this entire thing was nearly as black and white as i initially thought it was. im saying it straight to save everyone the time to try and figure out my perspective, but after talking with people and thinking about real life, how people irl would view this and DO view it and other instances of this exact scenario happening both online and in real life: this is truly just not the horrible morally bankrupt incident i thought it was.

i thought a lot about how i wanted to go about explaining my perspective or if i even wanted to bc i really didnt want this to he seen as "dream defense" or align myself with the people who have had that stance since the absolute beginning bc they are srsly insane, but this is more for myself and for anyone who felt like they didnt have a perspective they resonated with throughout all of this. this is one of the first instances where i felt a genuine dissonance between my thoughts and feelings and my friends in the community whose thoughts i have always always valued above anything else, often even my own, especially when i was struggling with feeling conflicted out of fear and grief. i always clung to the people whose opinions i trusted (and still do trust dont get me wrong) because it felt easier than having to sort my guilty and scared conscience into rationality that could possibly oppose the people ive always looked to for guidance in discourse. just that fear on being on the wrong side of history and such. but like i said, this long winded and horribly overserious essay is for me more than anyone else--if not for people who have struggled with the exact same shitty time.

ill say the absolute first thing: it was not grooming. i held this opinion literally the entire time and people calling it grooming are not only using the term wrong but genuinely causing harm to such a serious topic. we are talking about two adults in a relationship with an age difference of four years like holy shit. when the first girl dropped her story, almost everyone came to the conclusion that it just wasnt that serious because he thought she was 18. with the second girl, she was one month from 18 and the dms from before turning such were genuinely the driest conversations in the world that he never initiated or made any notion of pursuing. this isnt to say you cant be icked out--the point of me talking about this isnt to make you suddenly change your views on anything but to try and claim that it was grooming or a crime took place is just wrong and dishonest of everyone. this is such a large part of where my personal dissonance with everyone's takes came from bc the way people were trying to claim that liking an 18 year old as a 22 year old was something akin to literal pedophilia (<- bc people WERE genuinely saying this) made me feel confused but also deeply guilty because i really just did not understand. and now that im less miserable, i can recognize that that confusion wasnt just linked to parasocialism or whatever deep twisted thing i thought was in my soul, it was literally just not the big insane evil everyone made it out to be. again, this isnt to try and say you individually cant be like "i dont like this" or "this is icky to me" or "this was bad judgement on his part" (<- which is my personal view btw) but to pretend it is some strange insane act of an active predator genuinely boggles my mind. i dont want to chalk everything up to being covidbrained but i think its a huge part of where this dissonance to real life comes from because i really do think if most of you sit down with genuinely and utterly normal people, they will not give a fuck about this. ive SEEN people have conversations about this with noemal people irl and have them literally laugh in their face bc of how deeply unserious it is. and again, i want to reenforce that doesnt mean YOU dont have to care, but to act as if this isnt an objectively undeep incident between two people is odd, especially to the degree ive seen.

now i cant just say this and be done so lets talk about the next part that people had an issue with: fan and creator power dynamic. ill also say this very straight: when the stuff came out with both girls i had a much larger issue with the "age gaps" than i did this for so many reasons. ive always, even before all of this, had my own opinions and such about ccs and fans ever having relationships and it usually along the basis of "as long as there is consent and mutuality, i have no real issue." its not strange to me that people want to be with people they like and idealize and vice versa. to keep this as objective as i can with this perspective, i wont get into thoughts that for dream specifically it especially doesnt surprise me in the sense that his past relationship + facing vitriol from every corner of the internet but fans + overall paranoia could have absolutely reenforced the normalcy and reasoning in this judgement call but i digress. i mean just obvious examples of people wanting to get with celebrities, or groupies or even in platonic ways where fans become genuine and actual friends of creators--ccs having relationships with fans was never a big deal to me personally. and since its relevant to mention in this case, ESPECIALLY online ones. im not saying there cant be power imbalances among a fan and a cc/celebrity, but to get like theyre all inherently like that again just makes zero sense to me and never has even before dream. this applies especially online where power dynamics are significantly dampened from what they can be and just i mean logically, dream has been a full blown cc for like a little less than 3 years and only at this level for maybe 1 or 2 without experiencing it in real life too. the idea that he himself would not see an issue with this, especially because it was a mutual exchange of company, is so completely unsurprising. and at its core, there really is no real issue in it of itself. a bad judgement call from dream? yes and ill stand by that since he shouldve been better safe than sorry. morally bankrupt and manipulative? 😭 no, not after really assessing shit rationally. i also want to add that it was a mutual thing. i know people are really trying to tear everything amanda says apart (<- which is incredibly strange btw, especially if that was your instant reaction and you were doing it publicly too), but taking everything shes saying as true, we know that there was a MUTUAL exchange of things of a sexual nature and this wasnt some manipulative one-sided exchange where dream controlled everything and gave nothing in return. this isnt to say that amandas feelings are entirely invalid or anything along those lines, but those feelings stem from miscommunication and not morally bankrupt predatory behaviours. like seeing all of the info and looking at the situation as it is, its very clear dream saw and believed this to be a mutual relationship. i was so confused and scared and panicked seeing words like "groomer", "innocent", "guilty", "predator" and others being thrown around i didnt even want to try viewing it for myself. but now that i have and now that ive talked to others, this entire situation reads as a bad break up more than anything else, not a strange manipulative abuse of power where mutuality is nonexistent.

overall this entire situation was framed so horrifically and i was tearing myself apart so much about feeling confused, it genuinely did not hit me the extent of just how deeply unserious it was until a friend of mine told me how they went out with their normal, most unchronically online friend, told the situation in the most objective way possible, and they literally laughed in their fucking face 😭 i also started thinking about real life instances of this happening like if it was another cc, a random tiktoker, an actor and realizing i literally would not care--and significantly less people who are as up in arms as they are would care too. and that ignores the fact that it was ONLINE, compared to in-person where whatever power dynamic could exist would be amplified by a thousand.

this entire thing is just so entirely subjective and if your personal opinions and values find this all shitty, absolutely no one is going to try and say to feel otherwise, at least not me. but to completely ignore that its just that--personal--values and opinions that determine how you view this, and act as though it is objectively some morally bankrupt, impossible to understand, predatory situation just feels reactionary and disconnected from real life at best and just shitty and even virtue signalling at worst. and also dont get me started on what some of you twisted that charity event in technos memory into because fucking shame on you, but ill make a separate post on that later maybe.

this really isnt meant to be a form of "dream defense" because if i was taught anything this past week it was that the way i connected so much of my own conscience to my ability to defend dream and his pr was and is entirely unhealthy, and it was all a wake up call--just not towards dream. the level of miserable agony i experienced, not even mostly because of what dream did, but because i felt like i couldnt DEFEND it, was dangerously all consuming and i dont want that anymore. its just not a healthy way to engage with any media, the need to constantly justify it in every single instance, and especially not with a cc. i want to be able to just see drama and controversy ride out and not have it feel so utterly all consuming, even if i do choose to comment on it. im making this statement bc like i said, it really sucked to feel like there was no public voice i completely agreed with and i realized that i could do that role if i wanted. and honestly, its just been very cathartic for me to write all of this out after feeling like an echo chamber of other peoples thoughts and my own grief the last week.

this community disappointed me in many ways, both the freaks who jumped on any baseless thread disproving amandas claims, dissected her behaviour, was very strangely dream defensive and chose to do all that shit PUBLICLY too. but also the people who chose to use this as an opportunity to act in the most reactionary strange ways that felt so virtue signal-y it was nauseating. i know the people who held/hold the views i did also dealt with the guilt and fear i did too, and thus no one was willing to so deal with the mortifying ordeal of a) sorting through these thoughts and b) saying them in any kind of public space even with just close friends, but ESP on a public blog. i mean, that was literally me. but it really fucking sucked to have just these two extremely polarizing and extremely isolating opinions be the only available voices 😭 my thoughts are getting very rambley now and i apologize, but i hope my points are getting across.

this is already insanely long, but ill start wrapping up. if you disagree with me, obviously thats fine. like i said, this was never made with the objective to change peoples minds which arguably was what my usual dream discourse essays was meant for sometimes. this was made for me and for this specific perspective to have light for anyone who wants or needs it. all i hope is that if you do come out of this with anything, is some form of awareness. of either real life, your opinions or even just yourself i dont know.

i really did love my time on tumblr so so fucking much. and i loved the people here even more so. i think i owe it all to you guys and just my blog itself to say my thoughts on shit, no matter if any of you agree or not. plus i mean if this flops i surely never have to face the consequences if im leaving anyways so peepoClap. thank you all so much for everything, and if you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my bullshit. i dont know if after this ill still leave, but regardless, it feels wrong to not make some homage to such an impactful place in my life. impactful people too :)

thank u all for reading again, and good fucking night !

#this is maybe the longest tumblr post ive ever made but i think it needed to be #i bet lots of you are sick of reading about this too but this still felt important to post #i already said so much in the essay itself so i wont keep going in the tags too #just love u all very much. stay safe everyone ❤️ #hope this brings some perspective to anyone if they want it :) #dream situation #discourse

[sootwilb]

Hello, i just wanted to say the post you made today that got like 3 mean comments? I agree with you. Im just a pussy hiding rn but I need to get my thoughts out somewhere. Feel free to ignore because idk how long it's gonna be lmao, I just want to talk to someone who feels the same way as me.

Biting, and not being very self aware at all, are very ND things. It's pretty bad that he didn't stop when she was in pain, but... this was 2 years ago. He's mentally ill. He's probably autistic. He isn't heartless, he isn't evil, he made a mistake and if he knows whats best for him he's learned from it.

It pisses me off that people are using this as an excuse to bring up his messy house, as if this- isnt the same guy who wrote a song about how he wants to jump in front of a train??? Mental health matters until they are messy! Because ew, who would want to look up to him?

I DO. I look up to him. I DON'T support him hurting his girlfriend at all. I really don't. But there's a lot more to it. This is the man who released an album in 2020 which kept me company. These songs brought me through my OCD diagnosis, my suicidal thoughts, and he helped make me realise I WASN'T ALONE. It's so empowering when someone you enjoy watching is open and honest about his mental health. Its nice to know whenever something happens to me, or I think something, I know- Wilbur has been here too.

So I won't be dropping him. I'll keep it on the lowdown. I genuinely can't stop loving him I always always will. Four years of the worst mental pain ever, and him being the only person who I felt genuinely understood by? I won't give that up. People who haven't been here would never get it. ABUSE IS NOT OKAY. But I need something to keep me going, and I'm not risking like- attempting suicide without it. I don't care how parasocial I sound. I really don't. He's been an advocate for mental health, he's been empowering for teenage girls.

And lastly, my dad has been falsely accused of abuse before. They straight up lied. So even if all the signs point to it, I will wait until wilbur and wilbur only, confirms it.

If you do end up posting this, hey guys who think I'm justifying abuse! I'm not. He's unwell. He's SICK. I will support him and he deserves love and he deserves to get better.

hello lovely anon! firstly i want to say im sorry you've been through all of that

wilbur is someone who is autistic and mentally and chronically ill, i hate that people are using this as an opportunity to villainise these traits when people who have them already get a bad reputation as it is. i hate that people support mental health until the person suffering from it is messy and makes mistakes. like ive said before wilbur doesn't deserve shunning he deserves support and help

feel free to dm me if you want to talk more about this anon

#sorry if this doesn't make much sense #im not very good at writing down my thoughts #anon

[allamericansbitch]

as a WOC (and really just someone with morals but maybe i'm being too harsh) this whole situation is so fucking upsetting. i'm not gonna get into it too much because you've already talked about it several times (which, btw, tyy!!! i really feel seen by your blog and i love you for it mwah) but i just don't know what to do.

i can't look at taylor the same way which sucks so bad. she's been my safe space for years. she and her music has helped me through so much, and that might sound parasocial or whatever, but she's such a huge part of my life and i'm so so disappointed. whenever i see gifs of her on my dash of her being all "cute" on tour with the captions of like "oh she's so cute and baby" they just make me mad. this is a woman who is actively associating with a goddamn bigot who is a fucking racist, antisemite, transphobic piece of shit. i'm upset and i'm pissed and i'm disappointed and i'm so fucking sad.

i've already taken a step back from taylor but i'm not sure if i can let her music go. i feel so guilty about it but her music means so much to me i don't know if i can. i haven't really been listening to her lately because i just feel this overwhelming sense of sadness, but i have so much personal connection to these songs i'm not sure if i can fully let them go. does that make me a bad person?

first of all i'm so sorry about all of it, it hurts me- so i can only imagine how this cuts so much deeper for you. it means the world to me that you feel seen by me talking about it and made me heart so happy, i really appreciate it 💕.

second of all it's not parasocial at all to think the way you're thinking. i think the people who are writing this outrage off as 'parasocial nonsense' and making people feel overdramatic really messed with us in a bad way. parasocial just means to speak about a celebrity as if they are a close personal friend, to cross boundaries you would never cross with a stranger. so saying that an artist has made music that helped you through some tough times isnt parasocial at all, that's exactly what art is supposed to do and that's beautiful. it's also completely understandable as to why we feel so hurt and disappointed by it all. and for people online to simply be ignoring that pain, a pain that goes even deeper in yours and others communities, and simply look the other way and say 'look at her on stage!! how cute!! omg new candid today!!' is like they are invalidating all of your pain and acting like it doesn't matter because to them it simply doesnt- which is wrong. they're so wrong for that.

with art being made to get you through tough times, it's also made to be yours. once an artist releases a song it's no longer there's, it's the listeners. we make our own interpretations and memories with the song and it becomes a new thing. but that comes with time. obviously right now it's hard to listen to taylor's music because it was so closely tied to her for a lot of us, but time heals things and separates. one day you'll get the songs back without feeling bad and that does not make you a bad person. it makes you mature and allows you to take control of what is yours. it helps you set boundaries and know what you can tolerate and what you can't. that makes you a better person and that's growth ✨. and there's nothing wrong with that.

#answered #anonymous

[turtletoria]

i am curious exactly which reasons you hate mcyt now even tho you used to be a fan. As an outsider I know vaguely some of the people have done bad things but im interested in your specific reasons. You have no obligation to answer obviously

no dont worry i love talking shit its my hobby (joke, btw. my actual hobby is being cringe online)

under a read more bc this is long i just hold a lot of parasocial hate in my heart. hope you guys like reading !

edit: also to be clear im not trying to start any fights i just want to be left alone by mcyt fans. ok guys take it easy

tl;dr the Three Who Shall Not Be Named and their blasted SMP friends/acquaintances are all my parasocial enemies. Theres fun cringe and then theres mean cringe, and i feel that this corner of mcyt goes in the latter.

from my experience i think that they're really manipulative of a typically younger and vulnerable audience... i just remember them always promoting subscribing to their stream or purchasing donations to kids (that, i believe, honestly saw them as stand-ins for parental figures in their own lives) and that honestly disgusted me so much. i remember being frightened at the way that (mostly teenage/minor) fans on twitter talked about them like they could do no wrong... it was a weird kind of adoration that still freaks me out when i think about it too long. while they cant control the age of their fanbase, they could at least act accordingly... if i knew my audience was full of youngsters as young as 10 or 12 i would not say or do half the things theyve done, i will say that much.

moreover, i think they were very bad at handling their rapid rise to fame -> the Main Three Who Shall Not Be Named were frankly quite young and very immature, so this might be unfair, but honestly watching them felt like if you took the really unfunny highschool bullies and gave them a twitch stream to go nuts in. they couldnt control their rapidly growing and rabid fanbase in a way that felt safe to participate in.

i really didnt appreciate how they treated some of their fellow streamers. it felt cruel, and i cant understand how people could keep watching what would otherwise be bullying, even if it was all a "joke" or "prank."

And, much worse, was the casual racism and misogyny and other bigotry. i remember the misogyny especially was so bad, particularly from the young blonde and british streamer, whose main shtick was being rude to women because it was "funny." it was just crass and immature, and made my younger sister and I very uncomfortable, especially with the way his fans seemed to really enjoy that. a lot of these guys' and their friends' jokes hinged on being edgy or shocking, and honestly that shit was so overdone and unfunny.

I honestly can't remember finer details, and im not about to go looking (so take this with a grain of salt), but i just remember their content being full of a lot of uncomfortable moments. it was like experiencing some kind of microagression every 10 seconds and not being able to comprehend the insult until it was too late. it made me feel small and stupid, especially because i thought i was the only one who felt that way (and still do, honestly). call me oversensitive, but thats just how i felt (and still feel). moreover was the discomfort of them using language, which for lack of better words, reminded me very much of performative white liberalism. you know what i mean - when someone talks a lot about good things, but then they treat minorities like shit or allow these minorities to get treated like shit.

also, as the cherry on top of this rancid pile, the Main Three Guys and their SMP friends all seemed super okay with certified shitty people like Pp pie and notch. Very uncomfortable that they would be okay with being associated with them, let alone look up to them??? Huge red flag.

the fact that ive gifted my time and energy (through fanart) to a piece of media that has hurt me is so revolting. in the grand scheme this isnt a huge deal, but it definitely hurts that ive made shit for shit people and that fans still behave like i made this art for them. in reality i want to throw everythign into a pile and burn it. it just makes me very sad and hurt.

i could go on, but this is long enough as is.

Anyways, i'm not here to tell people what's right and wrong, but i honestly think that these guys are more hurtful than anything else and i simply dont want to interact with anything associated with mcyt ever.

but if im gonna be completely honest, i cant really blame teens or tweens for being into that awful cringe (derogatory) shit becuase that is the nature of being stupid and young, and hopefully theyll grow to understand why that shit is so bad. but if you are a college student or older and still into them im side-eyeing you so hard...

Theres fun cringe and then theres mean cringe, and i feel that this corner of mcyt goes in the latter.

#ask #anon #im worried abt waking up to hatemail but whatever i just want the mcyt fans to leave me alone!!!

[ghostys-originals]

RKZ Fandom Boundaries/ Consent

Ive seen some creators make these boundary lists as of late and although I’ve accepted that I cannot control what a fandom does, I believe its at least important to vocalize my boundaries so there is no confusion in the future.

This is mainly about Roadkillerz, but can be extended to apply to whatever else I make in the future!

[CW: Brief mentions of nsfw topics, p*dophillia, and other problematic subjects common in fandom, will also briefly mention hate speech]

1. Fan Merch/art/fic/etc

- Although I would prefer if you financially supported me first, I do not mind the creating and selling of fan merch such as art prints, stickers, etc!

- With that said, I will discuss what I am personally comfortable with seeing depicted:

1a. Hate Speech

- I do not encourage the promotion of hate speech such as lgbtq+ phobia, racism, sexism, anti semitism, etc using my work/characters as the face for that. Not only does it directly go against my own values, but for RKZ specifically, goes against the intended themes of the series (nazi “punks” are posers)

- On the topic of politics, I dont mind the promotion of, love speech? I guess? I dont know how the groups affected would feel about fandomifying important issues, but if you want to use RKZ characters for political stances that dont fall under hate speech go for it. Pro-lgbtq fan works for example is fair game.

1b. NSFW

- To be super blunt: I do not mind NSFW content as a concept, majority of my characters are of age (18+) unless stated otherwise.

- I, however, will expect some very basic criteria:

One, I do not feel comfortable with ships between family members, adult/children, etc. I dont want to encourage ship discourse since anything can be considered abusive, but as long as its NEITHER of those two things I do not care.

Two, Please be a responsible ADULT (no minors are permitted to publicly post nsfw content of my work) and keep any nsfw art/fanfiction out of the main tags. I understand minors will still seek out content not meant for them, but there are also people (not just minors either) who want to be able to scroll through a tag without seeing something they dont want to. Sex is about consent, and if your work doesnt include at LEAST a warning of some kind that aint good.

Overall just have some common sense, and if you do see people doing these things please dont debate them- just block and move on. I hate it too but getting into flamewars isnt productive and you’ll just be angry and you’ll never change their minds. Bonus thing: love yourself, care for yourself

Ok I think thats the most i’ll put for that? Now for things unrelated to content

2. Staff interactions

2a. I am alright with having a casual back and forth with fans, however I highly discourage developing parasocial relationships. If you wish to be my friend, you HAVE to treat me like a person. I do not respond well to idol-worship or lovebombing. I’ve had many bad experiences with people being super weird with that. I am not saying this to be rude, but I can and will block you if you make me feel uncomfortable, spam my DMs, or do anything else that I believe oversteps my comfort. I prefer to not befriend fans anyway since that promotes power dynamics, plus the before mentioned idol-worship which just makes me feel inhuman, so do not get your hopes up

EDIT: ALSO THIS SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING, But do not attempt to block evade/cyberstalk either. It WILL not end well for you. (if you want to know what counts as cyberstalking, it should be at the point where you dedicate your life to finding out literally everything about a person- casually checking my socials is fine as long as it doesnt absorb your life)

Cyberstalking and block evading are a clear rejection of established boundaries and if you participate in that, then you are just scum. Theres no woke twist you can put on it to justify it. Its wrong no matter how you feel about somebody.

2b. With that said, please do not harass anybody involved with the production of Roadkillerz/Other works including VAs, friends, friend of friends, etc. Please remember that they are humans too and have the right to privacy and healthy relations like anybody else.

2c. Fetish mining/sharing nsfw content/etc: Even though I said I dont mind NSFW content, I still do not consent to receiving sexual messages from strangers that includes but are not limited to sexting/flirting, sending nsfw art/fics, irl photos in a sexual manner, requesting I draw fetish material like Sam wearing a straight jacket (TRUE STORY, BY THE WAY.), etc.

If i think of anything else I’ll add to this but for now I believe this should be enough.

#important

[daenystheedreamer]

Are you RPF positive? How do you feel about ships like Gaylor or Phan or Larry? Phan actually turned out to be true LOL

short answer its funny and harmless long answer below the cut tldr its funny and feel free to be cringe but also everyone has a line they draw in the sand and even if you think you dont, you do. and me personally my line is further than others, nearer than some. if the rpf is fanfic where harry styles bottoms for louis tomlinson thats mostly just teenagers being silly and harmlessly cringe and if the rpf is AI deepfake of them its bad. also sometimes the rpf is real. and also phan is a can of worms im not touching with a ten foot pole. again long answer below the cut ^_^ rambling

ok so celebrities in general i roll my eyes at the thought of caring about them. everyone is just a regular human being who is kind of stupid and lame. everyone has positives and negatives etc. so to me when i see someone act parasocial about some youtuber/singer/actor etc im like thats just a guy. so already rpf is simply not for me.

secondly i think it is mostly harmless. if you are writing gay porn about frank iero and gerard way well that is between you and god and the ao3 staff. gets cringe and weird if you go up to jensen ackles at a con and say heh so which of you is the seme 😏 that is a socially insane thing to do sorry

thirdly it is super funny. gaylor is hilarious to me its like a bunch of generally progressive young girls who feel the need to morally justify why its okay to like taylor swift. Oh she dates weird men oh she has a bad carbon footprint Well actually she is a queer woman oppressed by her management and her conservative family. thats hilarious to me i love how there is no one on earth who isnt a little conspiratorily minded. tbc im not gaylorphobic i have gaylor friends.

fourthly i have seen the moral depravity of man. you can find genuinely deeply morally and ethically disgusting content about real life minors. 'its fiction its just writing they wont see it' grow up go talk to a therapist. AI deep fake porn is disgusting. its weird and socially inept to bother actual human beings about your kink. again fine to have that kink but dont go asking random people if theyre secretly in love with their friend.

hmmm fifthly and lastly i think often people just dont have a holistic view of the world they dont understand cultural/social context. there is a social barrier between you the audience and the people on your screen. also when you get into fandoms like kpop, you need to understand that its a product. these arent authentic human beings they are products they are actors they are selling you an idea. its yaoi in a way! its playing on homosocial/homoerotic tropes that female fans tend to enjoy. im sorry but seokjin and taehyung arent secretly boning they are coworkers. sorry.

that being said i think ben affleck IS in love with matt damon and i think theyve jerked off together or had sex by proxy via threesome. nothing will change my mind on this.

#WARNING DONT CLICK KEEP READING. i like the sound of my own voice and it shows #ask #Anonymous #anyway. peace and love on planet earth

[donnerpartyofone]

man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

#gpoy #anon #that's not my house #it's my husband preparing to roast weenies for me #long post #star of the sea

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] idk about oumasai but i def know about the former and for the billionth time im so grateful ur not on twt if tumblr has already shown that side of the Treatment for them bestie 💀💀 like genuinely me too i dont in any way wanna take out the enjoyment ppl have on that particular pair but I DO (and leave me tf alone) WANT TO EXPRESS HOW ITS JUST. not for me bruv. for so many reasons so many personal views cus its not just some first impression i been there since the pairing even Happened and ive thought through So Hard of all facts and scenes to conclude it (and also keeping them at a good r/s but not in the pair type of way?? imo i dont even see these two as closely familial either im also mixed abt the misconception and misuse of found family as one who LOVES found family) o(-( SO LIKE YEA.... exhaustion

"i wanna be /neg in the comfort of my own home" is the truest ever just scream into a wall of complaining but also accepting things wont go your way anyway,, and its not like im in the mindset im down bad hard Desperate for my own pairs 2 be official too. like idk?? this thing abt canonicity do be sumn that messes the fanbase up fr im just gonna be out there playing with my dolls and roll around in my delirium leaving everyone else alone 😭🤙

naur bc i will NEVER understand the obsession w/ wanting pairings to become canon??????? a) i love love Love when few to no pairings are canon just bc that leaves so much more room for imagining various pairings and how they would work in canon without there being a direct contradition, b) im gonna be so fr. most of my own pairings i do NOT trust the original source to do correctly

like,,, rwby ships for example bc there are SO many of those. freezerburn is never going to be canon, it never was, EVERYTHING about yang and blakes designs and development point to bmblb in every way. i fully trust rwby to make bmblb happen and to make it Work and Happen Well. same with renora. but freezerburn or renorarc? I Do Not Trust Them. i am SO much happier with neither of those being canon and me having free reign to imagine them happening or developing however i like and see best than i ever would be with either of them becoming canon and having a much more set-in-stone way of going down. crwby once said freezerburn would be divorced like THEY DON'T GET IT !!!!!!!! fools. cowards. they do not understand Not Like I Do. and thats how i feel about most of my own ships.

idk its just. imo so much more fun to have hundreds or thousands of fans with hundreds or thousands of different interpretations coming up with their own ideas and concepts than it is to see the One canon thing being canon. even if canon is done super well !!! thats part of why aus are so fun, why rewrites and re-imaginings are so fun !! i actively Do Not Want the vast majority of my ships to become canon how the FUCK r so many people out here arguing over which ship is or isnt :sob: and also who cares ??? whether or not smth is canon doesnt make it like. right or wrong that it exists. canon isnt inherently better or more valid it's just. canon. does that make sense. idk if any of this makes any sense god help me

#parasocial bestie tag #DORRY I RAMBLED im rly tired while answering this and it shows #also. SOOOOOOOOOO glad that you dont know that other ship #so so so glad #you are Free of the curse...........

[blue-shaded]

I wanna mention 2 things so sorry if this is long winded.

1. Marks only fans.

Is it a bit weird that he is doing it, maybe but to play devils advocate here (just a second) only fans is behind an 18+ paywall sure makes me feel a little better, but if the content behind the only fans gets out to minors through others who are apart of it, that TECHNICALLY isnt marks fault. Mark has done all he could to make sure the right people see it, if a minor some how slips into it then thats the companys fault for not age checking or the person who basically broke marks trust and shared content where minors could see it. dont know if that makes sense or is correct

Like on Twitter Dream has a boundary: NO NSFW where minors can see. The NSFW art community is the most well hidden art community there is on twitter. You need to know people to know how to find it. Took me 2 years of being there to even find it. That community has done all it can to protect themselves, wouldnt it be on the minor for finding it?

2. Dreams grooming allegations

THANK YOU THANK YOU! For using alleged instead of just jumping straight to “he is a groomer”.

Imo from the messages we have seen he is not a groomer, there was no weird behavior at all. Now if victim can step forward to provide evidence of their accused sexting then theres a bigger issue here. As of right now all we know is that he complimented her a few times and sent her a present. Was Dream and dumb idiot to be texting fans like that, yes, yes 200%. But in my moral opinion if the accusations prove false (meaning there is no proof of sexual things sent) i dont find interacting with fans worthy enough to stop supporting him and watching his content.

I will say though the validity of the victims story because of the way she ran around twitter trying to drag in Keemstar, then backed out when keemstar did what she asked, her boyfriend being sus, her story changing and the way she kept threatening evidence but never providing makes me question just a little. At this point we wait for the law…and Dream is innocent until proven guilty

Also please correct me again if my Mark statement is off or comes off weird im bad at explaining things and i mean no harm - 😈

1: I have seen SO many people yell that onlyfans is an 18+ paywall. it is. But screenshots also exist. Any content from the internet that's usually behind a paywall, be it newspaper articles, netflix stuff, anything like that, can be ripped off. Don't tell me you guys never pirated or saw a movie on YouTube or are nifty enough with codes on websites to go past that paywall. It's super easy. easy enough that minors could do it. Even then my problem with him is not the NSFW. Its exploitation of his audience which now also includes the minors because trust me they will do anything to get their hands on this stuff regardless of the payment. It's about the parasocial aspect and I've yet to find someone who grasps this concept. it's entirely HIS responsiblity. 2: Again the big reason this became problematic is through parasocial relationships. Fucking educate yourselves on what exactly that is and why its so harmful. if you can't find any sources on it. There's one on my masterlist regarding Jacksepticeye but it goes for any contentcreator out there. Read up and don't let it go unnoticed.

[guideaus]

.

#personal #dont rb #dl #ok this is gonna sound bad #but my recently discovered favorite twitch streamer is taking a break/is upset in life i guess and by extension its making me feel bad :/ #last summer i had a bad and kinda alienating experience on this site that made me wanna leave #but i discovered her channel a bit after and i kinda paid more attention to that #which was a good distraction #and i really liked her. she was pretty funny smart and had good values and did the things i used to be interested in #and it felt like a big comfort compared to before #she spoke her mind all the time too and i admired her so much #and ik this all sounds like a horrible case of parasocial relationship-ness #but going to that community really was a comfort #and its stilp covid rn and was then and there honestly isnt really anything too great going on irl for me rn #and my family isnt the best. im not actively being beaten or evicted but yeah #but she started feeling bad bc of ppl hating on her and she wants to take a break and it rlly upset me #we're the same age so its double weird ig to use her as an idol or inspiration or smth #but i really would think like 'if shes so relatable and could still be happy and unapologetic maybe i can too' #and then shes taking a break because shes not happy anymore and by extension its making me unhappy :( #ik this is terrible parasocial relationship shit and making her stuff be abt me and all that but ugh #like i really admired her. it feels like when friends irl or online randomly delete their accounts one day #idk its still during a pandemic rn and i need all the distractions i can get and i just lost one #ik its selfish and i feel bad but :/

[transrightsjimin]

man im making myself depressed abt everything today

#not to sound like a whiny 12 yr old who only cares abt their hobbies but the final drop is often seeing hate abt bts for me #like bts anti accs are rampant on this site nd theyre so popular nd keep claiming everyone who likes bts is cringey and problematic #nd half their justifications for saying that r wild fake rumours spread by gossip websites nd fascists #but if you would try to refute their claims you tbh do easily sound like armys who claim bts are unproblematic #or have never done anything racist #which isnt true nd every person is flawed so calling a person unproblematic is kind of weird anyway #nd there is a legit concern w antiblackness and such in the fandom e.g. when racists reported blm posts on weverse #so URGH its like. there r definitely issues to address nd there are def minority group former fans who have been made to feel unsafe #and therefore left #so i have issues w these defensive 'you always stan for the group and not the fandom' tweets / posts by army #when considering how entire blocklists were compiled of black army who were upset over a legit issue nd they were called antis #so i dont want to like block ppl who dealt w being treated this way in the fandom #nd i cannot act as if anything negative is pure hate or comes from a bad place #but there r definitely TOO many big accounts that portray their hatred for bts as anti-capitalistic and anti-racist #which is just. very wild considering a lot of the stuff they criticize is based on purposeful mistranslations and japanese fascist sources #and that they still stan a bunch of other kpop groups but apparently the industry can only be discussed as capitalist #when it comes to bts #just AHH pls look carefully bfore u rb some vague post abt deep kpop lyrics / parasocial relationships / 'smth smth 2nd gen kpop was better' #every fucking time i see those types of posts it becomes clear theyre shitting on bts nd army 🙄 #rambles

[mourninglamby]

ok ok before i say anything im not sure how to make this clear ovr text but! this isnt meant to come off as judgmental or mean spirited!! but if dsmp bothers you so much why still consume it?? if you're not enjoying it anymore? i feel like none of these posts have been positive at all as of late and im just curious as to why. im sorry its not the way it used to be man :(

no worries anon ive been putting off giving a serious answer for this question. and well. one is a very personal reason that i feel like i shouldnt go into lmfao. lets just say its a reason to get up in the morning.

HOWEVER.. i also still have a tiny glimmer of hope that some of the main story arcs will be finished. aside from this and just general lighthearted analysis, its hard to be positive when nothing new is happening, or when the "new" thing happening is not well written. so all i can do to prevent this is go back and reflect on past arcs, which i am extremely positive about, and still believe exemplify some of the best writing in the series which makes it worth watching. its equally rly fun to go back and pick out what i think could be improved upon or doesnt make sense bc it helps me understand the media better, as well as what I should expect going forward both in presentation and thematically. but doing this over and over again is getting old.

dsmp had always (up until recently) subverted my expectations and ive been genuinely excited by a lot of the shit that happens in it, but when a WHOLE LOT of nothing is happening and there is a clear dip in quality, its really hard to not be a little mean about bad writing.

im trying rly hard not to shit on it as much but i will say, paired with the horrible reactions to valid criticism ive seen on twitter, the fandom hasnt helped my cynicism and general sour attitude. so i guess i just adopted an aggressive way of speaking abt my issues with the story and my criticisms on here because im tired of being called "entitled" or being told "its just a minecraft roleplay" as if the medium in which a story is produced dictates how serious the themes depicted in it should be taken. which is just. idk. fallacious. so im sorry abt that, ill def tone down the negativity.

tldr; im just sad and bored because this story means a lot to me and seeing it dip in quality while also not being allowed to speak about the dip in quality without threat of harassment by overly parasocial fans has made me into a bitter hag lmfao.

#gary i need good storytelling #kicks dust up #i rly do need to be less mean on here #i got twitter disease and speak preemptively abt literally everything and its made me so meannnn urgh #o well.... maybe ill rewatch some other shit i havent rewatched in a while

[balillee]

heres a hot take for you.

i feel like everyone always makes it seem like c!niki n wilbur have this meaningful friendship n stuff but i....genuinely do not see it, at all. like, yeah, cc!niki n cc!wilbur have a very good n meaningful friendship, but thats just not the case with c!niki n wilbur, imo.

i mean, the only two important times that they interact canonically (at least the ones i remember/stand out to me) are when hes welcoming niki into lmanburg for the first time and when he tries to protect her during the red festival. both times just feel like “this is just something wilbur would do and isnt indicative of their relationship”, and everyone Acts like it is,

and it is SO frustrating bc it makes c!nikis actions (taking the pogtopia coat, getting upset over ghostbur, etc) just so WEIRD and bizarre. like it kind of feels like c!niki is a fangirl in a parasocial relationship with a dead ex-president. which is REALLY funny, but i hate it,

you can correct me if im wrong, maybe im just missing something bc i dont watch every stream (i haven’t actually sat through n watched an entire stream/vod since nov 16th), but thats just how i feel.

i don't remember too many specific interactions between them, but honestly, that might be the point you're making here lmao. c!niki's only really close relationship with anyone from what i remember is c!fundy, and that was from the pet war. she was meant to have a proper role following the manberg festival with c!tubbo and c!tommy, but she disappeared and made a reappearance at the coup. the two characters were friends, but from what i remember, their friendship wasn't anything of note and their canon friendship was definitely just their irl friendship, unlike how bench trio both have cc! and c! friendship dynamics (in which their c! dynamics have context through canon experiences such as doomsday and the festivals).

a big problem i have with c!niki in general is that her character is completely inconsequential - her actions have no consequences on anyone else, whether positive or negative. her entire thing on doomsday has had no narrative significance, nor has her city (which was started during tubbo's presidency, meaning she left l'manberg long before she pretended she ever gave a shit about it at the second festival), she was inconsequential in the nuke plot (and basically only served to give jack manifold someone to talk to) and her only contribution to the syndicate was telling c!techno and c!phil the name of snowchester and leading them there, which all could have been done by c!ranboo, and she had no effect on the red banquet whatsoever, and literally left the event early because there was nothing for her to do and no reason for her to be there (especially considering that this was literally her first ever interaction with the egg and the eggpire). there was literally an opportunity for some puffychu lore considering puffy was live, but we got more awesamponk lore and neither of them were streaming. her entire character is just aimless, bland, inconsequential, and a missed opportunity. it's gotten to the point where if c!niki shows up i just think - oh, you again. why are you here? you add nothing to this.

i'm so confused as to why everyone likes and cares about her character so much bc i just,,,, don't. i genuinely think she's a bad character, she's not that redeemable, her plotlines are half-assed and reachy at best and i wouldn't even know how to rewrite her to make her better. she seems to be stuck in some limbo between being vengeful and having a villain arc, or caring about her friends and being kind to them uwu 👉🏻👈🏻 JUST PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT don't pretend you care about kindness and making the world a better place and then siding with the people that blew up your home and killed c!wilbur, and who murdered your friends without any sort of remorse. c!niki is actually like, an awful person lmao and her relationship with c!wilbur is not at all developed so it's weird to me too that there's no much of a focus on a friendship that wasn't even there.

#c!niki crit #c!niki critical #c!niki negative #100% i think she is the most overrated character and literally all she does is ruin the mood #she's done like...... only malicious things p much and she's gotten no comeuppance for that #i do not like her character at all lmao she's the only one i just can't stand to watch #but yeah from what i've seen i agree with you #esclapoaskbox

[ilyuqi]

ozzie your takes blow my mind with how spot on they are sometimes. "people would freak out if a kpop idol lost 15 pounds in a month and would always talk about wanting them to eat well" - THIS. because eating disorders and extreme dieting is such a huge issue in the kpop industry, people are quick to call it out and /parasocially worry for the idols working under xyz label. because like, it's a fairly well known issue. but nobody does the same when it comes to streamers / content creators even though if CAN and DOES happen to them too.

sorry for rambling,, but this really brought back a topic that i have found super interesting for a while now. the comparisons between mcyt & the kpop fandom,

there's a lot of reasons as to why people in the mcyt fandom don't catch on as easily to things like ccs' bad behaviors, habits, mental health etc as much as kpop stans do; 1. they're typically a lot younger, 2. the ccs aren't working under some kind of widely-bashed and known-for-being-awful company, (or at least not in the sense of it being so overly controlling) and 3. the mcyt fandom seems to have this weird and collective agreement to Never Do Anything Wrong Ever and Never Cross CCS' Boundaries Ever or You Will Be Crucified. - which in turn, allows everyone to ignore or actively avoid things that should probably be talked about. (this is also one of the reasons why i think truthblr/leaktwt is so popular, it's the only place that seems to allow open critique and discussion of the community/ccs.)

and i will admit, if i had never come across truthblr/leaktwt, i probably would've never even thought once about something potentially being wrong with anyone's weight or mental health. it would've flown right past me. and honestly? maybe it's better that the main fandom doesn't have that overly parasocial worry for their streamers (moreso than they already do ... lord knows it would drive them fucking crazy) but it still reaches a point where sometimes you have to ask, like, okay. is everything really okay here? or are we just pretending like it is?

(again sorry for ranting lol... just know ur Based as Hell)

dont apologize for rambling!! i liked hearing this, and i appreciate it :]

it really blew my mind how different kpop vs mcyttwt was, like seriously. i remember one instance, before i came to my own conclusion that george didnt have an ed but rather was just . not good at remembering to eat/naturally skinny and found a tweet where he basically said something like "he never eats" and i think i commented on it with something like "i hope youre eating better now george :(" because . it was a very normal thing to do that within the kpop community. like if you found an old worrying tweet from an idol, commenting and wishing them better was totally normal, but then months later when people started looking at old george tweets and saw my reply they were like "youre a freak of nature for bringing this back to the tl do you think eds are a joke?" like.. no.. thats why i commented wishing him better? but youre right, the lack of parasocial worrying and the almost.. disdain and ruthless avoiding of it is seriously noticeable in the mcyttwt communtiy when you compare it to the kpop community, and for the reasons you talked about.

it's insane though, because while the respecting of boundaries is honorable, like. these kids have to be thinking somethings off right? like hell they justify dsmp alters, is a streamer having an eating disorder so out of the question?

the worries that mcyttwt has for their streamers, like the current ones, i just wish they'd let them go and focus on more uncomfortable questions that moreso pertain to them changing their ways. like yes ranboo has facial dysmorphia but can you ask yourself why? like why does he feel like he can't see himself the way others see him?? maybe it has to do with insane expectations put on him and the way he "should" look based on how people talk about him on the internet? or sure, dream has a really strict diet, but i wonder why? maybe because so much emphasis is put on dream's body in fanart, almost to a creepy point (slut week?? where we draw dream in bdsm related gear with his body almost half naked and 9/10 times he has abs and the tiniest waist known to man??) and it makes him feel like he has to look like that? or wilbur or quackity or george and the list goes on and on. people need to learn to mind their words, especially since one of the biggest differences between kpop idols and mcyters is that they DO see all this. lisa from blackpink isnt going to see the random edtwt account on twitter using her for thinspo but dream WILL see you making comments on his body and the way you think he's going to look when he eventually face reveals. it fucks with them on a weird level, especially sicne this really wasn't what they expected when they began their streaming careers and youtube journeys, and i think we need to start treating streamer's mental health more seriously and maybe learning to read inbetween the lines, even when it's uncomfortable to do so, and even if it crosses a boundary or two. because at the end of the day, calling out unhealthy behaviour will always be the right choice, even if its . hard . and causes a lot of discomfort.

#and thank you for calling me based :3 #i really appreciate it #its really ncie to just know . that im not pulling this from my ass and people get what im trying to say

[many-gay-magpies]

short (or not so short) little kpop fandom rant below; putting a readmore because i feel kind of weird saying all this stuff on a blog that is pretty much kpop dedicated, who's follower-base is made up of mostly kpop fans, but i also just feel the need to get it out there, so. here we are

(disclaimer: im not using 'you' to direct this post at anybody in particular, if anything it's directed at myself, you just feels more direct)

kind of going off of that post about parasocial relationships i just reblogged but like. ever since watching that one video by a dude im subscribed to on youtube about stan culture and fanfiction and stuff (i think i might have linked it on tumblr at some point? maybe?) my experience in the kpop fandom had gotten... interesting, from a personal standpoint

like im starting to wonder about all this stuff and think about the fact that ALL fanfiction, even the nonsexual stuff, is still crossing a bunch of boundaries in a way? because like youre writing all this stuff about REAL PEOPLE and literally making headcanos for how they would be as boyfriends, how they'd react to certain situations, how they would be in fights for god's sake, and its just-- these are real people. you dont know them. you will probably NEVER know them on a level higher than maybe meeting them through a fanmeet, or if you're lucky running into them on the street or something. and you can't... know how these people you've never met will REACT in situations like the ones you're thinking about, you can't know what they're like off-camera and outside of idol life. and i kind of had a point with this particular section of the rant, but i forgot what it was, so i'm just gonna move on

the thing with me is that like... i think all of this stuff, and yet i still read the occasional y/n fanfic or (god forbid) full group fanfic, often with ships involved. and i justify it to myself by saying i know these aren't the REAL people, they're just characters someone else created in their image; all of this stuff is written based on the images, the characters presented to us, and not the real people underneath (but the problem is a lot of fanfic writers probably dont feel the same way; they think like it's the real people they're writing about and treat it as such). I tell myself I read and enjoy ship fics because I would enjoy the samd dynamic with ANY two people, because the relationship is something i'd admire and long for in real life, it doesn't matter who with. I don't ACTUALLY think these two idols are dating or think they would act like this��its just characters. But it's still just like... where does the boundary lie? I'm thinking all of this stuff, but if i dont act on it, do the thoughts even really matter? Because its what a person's actions say about them that matters, just thinking about something... right?

So as you can see, I'm conflicted.

Now, something else worth noting is that I... don't necessarily think fantasizing about idols, in whatever way that might be, is bad. They're attractive, the images and characters they present often compliment that by being nice, sweet, funny, etc. It feels normal, to me, that you might fantasize about dating them or hugging them or kissing or being friends with them every so often—especially during the pandemic, when people rarely got the chance to actually see other people and (im speaking for myself here but i think its something that can apply to others as well) sometimes ended up filling the void with parasocial relationships instead. the fantasizing isn't the bad part—to me that just feels like a part of being human. its that we're taking these fantasies and putting them out into the world in the form of writing, reactions and fanfictions and the like—we're writing down our fantasies and letting other people read them and fantasize about them in turn.

and to me that feels... weird. personal. kpop idols don't need to know the fantasies you have about them, and no matter how impossible you think it might be, if you post something online, anywhere, there is a chance that they'll see it. and above that even, our fantasies, in our own heads, feel like something that doesn't need to be—or even shouldn't be—shared out loud (artzyy if you're reading this, you can probably figure out why i got so awkward and felt like i'd overshared during our conversation yesterday). i mean, if you're comfortable sharing your mental fantasies with the world, by all means, you do you; im just... not.

a lot of this is why i... actually don't feel uncomfortable writing enhaverse fanfiction (exhibited clearly by the two vampire jungwon fics that are now floating around my blog, the sunoo lily fic in progress in scrivener, and the various other ideas for fics still floating in my brain). because it isnt "real people" we're writing about, or idols' on-camera faces that we ACT like are real people, it's characters these boys and their company have created specifically for their music videos and lore; entirely different, fictional people, just with the same names and faces, which we've basically taken and spun into whatever the fuck the tumblr enhaverse is now (delightfully full of angst, gay longing, softness and a whole lot of fucking projection... you get the idea.)

but its just-- weird, having all these feelings, making all these justifications and having all these morals in place, and yet being part of a fandom that for the most part goes against every one of them. but i haven't left, or really changed my behavior at all, so its... yeah. weird.

#magpie thoughts #debating wether or not i tag this with kpop fandom or kpop meta tags because i kind of dont want anyone to actually see this?? #except for my moots and the people following me that is #but thats like. it #magpie meta #there we go now i have a TAG for this stuff

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] GOOD MORNIGNG BESTIEE I HOPE U HAD A NICE REST AND SLEEBP if not i kick the exhaustion away beats it to the ground in a pulp yuou will nawt. tire my bestie ever again ANYWAY i hope youll have a nice day too 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i was writing sumn but the thought was like a week old amd im just clenching my fist shaking unable to get back to that lil cathartic moment so i can Have That Feel i was jusgt THINKGING just cryign for xiao and zl right now yes that was the thoght i coulda flood u the them then i flood u the lumine i wusz thinking again about her and functional pants. god the makeover idea is such a game changer to me like YKNOWWWWW <- writhing screaming on the floor cannot sort out their thoughts well rm but still wanna greet the bestie euutjahehfikshfhehfh

ABOUT UR BIG FIC PROGRESS ITS OK ASF youre still going great YOU REACHED THE 45K MILESTONE and stretching it more which is shtill ok!!! with me and work things do trail outta ur mind a lot on things u Want to think about yknow cus priorities :((( like i wanna stay there and just dream abt my blorbos and have the same scene looping in my head on repeat 738374 times a day..... thinking like 30 mins straight of the same idea and going ehe what does bestie think abt this its so messy i shud get it well constructed so i can write more walls of text for them HEHE and i MISS THATTTT MY BRAIN IS SO NON FUNCTIONAL RN THE ASK I WANNA WRITE TO U IS SITTIN THERE UNFINISHED. LIKE I WANNA LAY A WHOLE TUB OF WATER OF FAMILIAL XIAO ZHOGNLI TO U SO BAD RN and a side of pants lmi agenda flushed emoji flushed emoji like yknow............

U CAUGHT ME AS IM WORKING ON THE FIC >:))))))) i was soooooo skull emoji last night and now i am awake and SO DETERMINED !!!!!!! to at least get these last couple of scenes figured out im so srs i am GOING to have every scene at least partially written by the end of the day today i can feel it. 8 hour shift is nothing but a tiny interruption it is like childs play to me just another obstacle in the way of my beautiful beautiful xiaolumi.

I DID SLEEP WELL THANK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU and i am also still tired so i very much appreciate the exhaustion being beaten to death ily so bad that made me giggle sm I HOPE UR DAY TODAY WAS WONDERFUL AND I HOPE UR ABLE TO GET SOME GOOD SLEEP SOON <3333333333333333333

100% understand the feeling of having like that Moment that Specific Feeling And Emotion while writing smth and sometimes pausing or needing to come back to it and then the emotion isnt rly as there and its so hard to capture again i LOVE when inspiration strikes at those moments but i hate having to finish it later :sob:

U CAN ALWAYS FLOOD ME W/ ANYTHING AT ALL EVER eyes and ears so wide open all the time always and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THE MAKEOVER the fact that there's just ENDLESS potential for her style and what she would or wouldnt like and then fighty stuff vs comfort stuff vs casual stuff smnfmfngmnfbmnb dies. dies. lumi <33333333333

I ABSO9LUTELY GETR THAT TOO us when our brains are so good at being nonfunctional its okay it will return in due time and then.... then i will get the whole tub of water then i will get the side of pants lumi agenda and it will be so wonderful and glorious i have no doubt whatsoever

#parasocial bestie tag #ILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY #omg omg ive been bugging like EVERYONE abt this but i havent told u........ #got. a handful of such silly little genshin charms in #and i am OBSESSED with them ill have to show u asap THEYRE SO GOOD #i did nawt get lumi or ayaka bc i didnt like their designs as much which is so sad bc they're two of the faves but THE ONES I DID GET.... #explodes. dies. explodes AND dies #<- girl who literally promised herself she would NOT get a genshin ita bag she'd just buy prints no charms or pins #and then. after months. These Specific Charms finally broke her #soooooo much money spent on genshin and cosplay and con stuff what's a little more smile <- her bank account is sobbing #but if i keep getting fawking EIGHT HOUR SHIFTS ON WEEKENDS ALL SUMMER itll be fine anyways ^_^