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tocastielandback · 4 years

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Slice of Life (Tim Gutterson x OC)

For @wordsfly-scriptamanent! I shall include other resident Tim lovers @whoabrekker and @kitkat-589 as well.

First time writing for Justified and it’s no surprise it sucks, but I hope you all enjoy anyway!

"Why don't we stop at The Slice of Life for some grub?" Tim suggested.

Raylan gave him a brief glance, eyebrow quirked. "'For some grub', huh?"

"Yeah," Tim kept his face unmoving, maintaining eye contact. "It's just about time for lunch, don'tcha think?"

"Oh no, it is," Raylan pursed his lips a bit and shrugged one shoulder, his hands on the steering wheel after starting the car. "It's the place that's got me thinkin'--”

"Thinkin' what?" Tim, now facing forward, jumped in. "We always eat there."

The local Italian eatery has become somewhat of a haunt for the Marshals since the restaurant was only about a block from the courthouse, so getting a pizza for the office wasn't uncommon.

It was one of those times when Tim got acquainted with one of the waitresses, Tara, that lead him to be the go-to person when it comes to placing and picking up the order, regardless of how busy he was at his desk.

Their conversation was mostly small talk, if you could call it that, since Tim spent the time waiting for the food in awkward silence. Not from her end, but rather his.

He could swear his cheeks were as red as maraschino cherries whenever she passed the bench where he sat, exchanging smiles when they looked at each other.

"I'm just sayin'," Raylan began. "Seems like you really like it there and it's not for the pizza."

"Shut up and drive," Tim grumbled.

Raylan had that smug grin on his face. The one Tim wanted to wipe off himself at times.

Usually, Tim was good at keeping his feelings underwraps. You had to when you've been through the things he had, both in Afghanistan and with the U.S. Marshals. Knowing this has been compromised made him unhappy to some extent, but he figured his best bet was to play it cool.

Upon entering the cozy little place, Tim searched for the dark auburn head moving around the tables.

There she was, checking on a family of five at a big table towards the back, near the checkout counter.

Other than that family, there were two men eating at a table to the left.

Tara approached Tim and Raylan.

"Afternoon, Deputies!" she greeted, her hazel eyes gleamed behind black, oblong frames. "Just you two today?"

"Yes, ma'am," Tim gave her the same smile on his face whenever he saw her.

"Is the window seat okay?" Tara put her hand out towards a table perpendicular to the other two men.

"Oh, it is just fine," Raylan smirked flirtatiously, earning an irked glance from Tim.

It was the reaction Raylan wanted, but Tim couldn't hold back from showing it.

They sat down, Tim closest to the door, and ordered their drinks. While they looked at the menu, Tim took note of the biggest man at the nearby table.

Dressed in a leather vest, t-shirt and dirt-stained jeans, the man eyed Tara going down the hall where the kitchen was, licking his lips.

Tim pushed it from his mind and settled on a slice of margherita pizza.

The waitress was on her way to their table, drinks in hand, when the vest man whistled at her.

"Hey, red, get me some pepper for this. Would ya?" he pointed at his pizza and winked at her.

Before she could respond, Tim leaned out to the side just enough to get a view of the guy. "Hey, asshole. She ain't a dog. How ‘bout you don't treat her like one?"

The vest man glared towards Tim. "Mind your business, bud!"

"Sir, I'll be right with you in just a moment," Tara said while setting down the drinks in front of the Marshals, wanting to diffuse the tension.

She slipped two straws from the pocket of her apron and set them on the table. "Do we need a few more minutes with the menu?"

"No, I'm good," Tim looked from her eyes to Raylan's.

"Just a slice of buffalo chicken for me," the latter told her.

Tara scribbled on her notepad, then turned her attention to Tim. "And for you?"

"Margherita, please," Tim replied.

She finished writing their orders down and mustered a small smile. "It'll be out in a couple minutes."

"Thank you," Tim said with his best comforting look.

Once she left, Raylan began going over the findings of their case.

"So Duffy's not saying anything about Quarles. Who else is he tied to who's gonna talk, do you think?"

"We could always..." Tim began, but stopped when he overheard the two friends at the other table.

"I don't mind a lil junk-in-the-trunk, if you know what I mean," the vest man said to the bald guy across from him, who snickered.

Tara returned with the buffalo chicken and margherita pizzas on two plates.

She served the slices to their respective diners and put her hands together. "Anything else I can get for you?"

Tim shook his head, answering for Raylan who was already taking a bite of his food. "Not right now. Thank you."

"Alright. Just holler if you do," she said and was on her way back to the kitchen.

She came back to the dining area with a gray bin, gathering the dishes left behind by the previous party at the long table.

When she bent over to pick up a napkin dropped on the floor, the obnoxious man said loudly, "This pepper shouldn't be the only thing shakin' here!"

"Hey! Knock it off or get the hell out!" one of the cooks yelled from behind the checkout counter.

"Ain't my fault y'all hired a hot thing like--" he started up again, but stopped when Tim cut in.

"Okay, I lost my appetite," he threw his pizza onto his plate and stood up, the legs of his chair squeaked across the floor. "Either you shut the fuck up or I'll throw you out of here myself."

The vest man also got on his feet, getting close to Tim. Thinking fast, Tim dodged a punch coming his way and threw his fist into the man's stomach.

Raylan took a sip of his drink, watching Tim lower himself over the guy.

"You know, I'd consider myself a regular and I better not catch you here again, disrespecting her"--his eyes darted to Tara, then back at him--"or anyone else here, cus it ain't gonna be pretty. Got that?"

The man only groaned in response, but the satisfaction was enough for Tim, who sat back in his chair and finished eating.

The Marshals paid their bill. Raylan tipped his hat at the cooks before turning on his heel and heading for the exit, but not before handing Tara a generous tip and friendly smile.

Tim followed, but handed her his card wrapped in some singles. "He gives you any more trouble, call me."

She went to speak, but couldn't, noticing the sincerity in his eyes, despite the rest of his face remaining stoic.

He didn't wait for a response, just gave her a slight nod and walked out the door.

While he wanted her to decide for herself, he couldn't help but hope that maybe someday, he could have another break from the office.

#Justified #Tim Gutterson #Jacob Pitts #I'm embarrassed #this is so bad #my fics #mine

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delicioustrashlove · 3 years

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To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones. You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!! And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !! Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!! The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn. I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed. See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path . God bless <3 no angry im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer. Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

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fuwafuwamedb · 4 years

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Dodging Death Pt 5 (Hakuno, Caster Gilgamesh)

Previously: 1 2 3 4

____

The bruise was quite persistent.

She wasn’t exactly sure what she had expected from a bruise though. Of course it would take a while to go away. Of course her legs would be a bit sore and of course she wouldn’t necessarily hear from the man that had been in her home and had possessed the honor of taking her innocence.

It was… uncomfortable to think about, so she focused on hugging G and focusing on her studies.

Her hands would often either be petting the cat, brushing his fur out, or hugging him to her chest. She would read through her books, wondering about the figures she read about. Her hands were now on a new Epic she had to read. Her head was shaking a little as she stopped after the first tablet’s worth.

“Why is it that all these stories make people out to be some grand hero? There can’t be someone average as a hero, can there? People like me can’t do much, can we?”

G looked up, licking her chin.

The confidence was nice.

She was looking for encouragement from a cat, but there wasn’t much she could really do to stop herself from continuing to partake in it. Her friends were out tonight. All of them had dates going on and she was just…

The thought of another singles night with Rani at the library was a little much. She didn’t really want to deal with the nonsense and there was still that killer out on the loose.

Turning the lights down in the house, Hakuno found herself settling on the couch and pulling the blankets over herself and G.

“I didn’t even get his name,” Hakuno complained to G.

G simply yawned, doing that cute little chirp of his. That fluffy golden fur was shaken as the cat ruffled his own fur and snuggled in closer. His tongue was back on her cheek, cleaning her up since she was clearly so bad at taking care of herself.

“If that blond guy comes back, I’ll just throw him out on his ass,” Hakuno told the sweet feline. “He won’t get to explain why he didn’t call or come by. I don’t even want to hear it if he tries to explain either. We’ll kick him out and we’ll make sure to celebrate.”

They’d dine on turkey and watch through an entire season of their crime dramas.

Something seemed to be on her cat’s mind though. As she said that, he sat up, that tail of his swishing back and forth behind him as those red eyes stared her down.

He meowed at her.

She stared back.

He meowed again.

“Are you hungry? Too warm?”

He was a heavily furred cat. She’d gotten him a cooling pad in case the house was too warm, but he never seemed to have minded the temp of the house before. He also wasn’t running to the kitchen, which was normal for him when he was hungry.

The cat leaped to her coffee table, patting at her book.

“What’s wrong?”

Again, she found him making noise at her, nudging the book closer and closer to the edge of the table. She barely caught it before it fell to the floor.

“G!”

The cat leaped onto her lap, looking up and making a small noise before pawing at her book again.

Was there catnip or something on it?

She sniffed, half expecting to smell something other than the musk of an old book borrowed from the library. Her snooty teacher had insisted on having a copy with Cuneiform in it, stating that, despite the near Shakespearean like pain of reading, she had to stare at the endless lines of triangles and sticks that made up the Cuneiform writing…

People who liked this kind of thing were really gluttons for punishment.

Her cat was pawing at the pages she had open though, meowing louder.

“What? What’re you doing, G?”

Hakuno held the book closer, hoping to get him to just stop.

This was their time to relax and enjoy the evening, not partake in the sheer endless pain that was the description of a very arrogant king meeting a half wild clay figure who’d enjoyed vacationing in a forest before bothering to visit the kingdom of Uruk.

Still, G didn’t stop.

Over and over, they were pawing.

When she moved the book, the paw seemed to follow, patting the same line of odd writing on the left page of the book. She turned on a nearby lamp, grabbing her pencil despite her better judgement and circling the bit of text.

The paw now went to another part of the page.

Circling again, Hakuno found this happening four more times before the cat was satisfied, meowing and licking her face.

“Do you feel better now?”

Those crimson eyes just gleamed in a pleased and smug kind of manner.

What the hell text had the cat been pointing at anyway?

Hakuno looked at her book, frowning as she followed the odd one to one translations on the pages.

[Magic] [rare] [human] [man] [named] [Gilgamesh]

“Man named Gilgamesh?”

It was the strangest thing, the cat actually nodded.

Hakuno looked at her findings again before looking at G.

“Gilgamesh.”

The cat chirped a meow, fluffing himself up and cuddling against her. That purr was louder than she’d ever heard it before, with him happily walking circles around her. If ever a cat had responded to a person, it was right then and there at being called Gilgamesh.

“You don’t want to be called Gilgamesh.”

Her cat stared at her.

“Gilgamesh is the villain in this story,” Hakuno told the cat. “He literally insults the gods to the very end of the tale and then is destroyed by them right when he ignores their warning about a great war coming to Uruk. That’s the whole thing. I cheated and read the short notes online about this book. His whole thing is that humanity ignores and disrespects the gods and the gods attempt to help humanity to the very end.”

Her cat growled.

“Hey, don’t get mad at me. That’s just how the story goes. He dies in his bedroom amongst a collection of deflowered women. He was marrying one when his heart gave out… or he was stabbed. The story is supposed to be vague about his death.”

That was really bothering him.

One second he was growling a little, the next- he was suffering a case of the zoomies. From one end of the house to the other, he seemed to just yowl away. She groaned at the sounds, turning up the television because it was obvious that this amount of noise would make someone call the authorities to come investigate about animal abuse.

What on earth had gotten into him?

You’d think he was King Gilgamesh or something.

It reminded her almost of Rin finding out that Cu had been talking about her. The pacing, the lamenting noises, the energy; Hakuno finally found herself yanking him close and wrapping him in a blanket like a dang burrito.

“Alright, I think we’ve done enough of that. You don’t need to be running around my house like that. We’re a good cat.”

Her cat was looking at her books again, wiggling in the blankets.

“Noooo,” Hakuno growled.

He yowled.

She relented.

Once more, he was looking at her book. His paws were actually turning pages, those eyes flickering over the writing on the left pages.

Wine.

There was no possible way in hell that her cat was reading some dead language in her living room and throwing temper tantrums at the king of Uruk being a womanizing scumbag carving notches in his bedpost for the number of virgins he was taking.

She needed something to serve as a nice nightcap and a finger or two of wine would do just the trick. The bottles above the fridge were pulled down, her sweetest one poured into a glass before she returned.

Once more, we were patting at the page.

“Magic,” she stated, once more finding the familiar symbol.

She’d checked it a number of times before. It was familiar enough that she didn’t need to look on the other side of the page for translation.

The paw moved.

“Overflow…”

They had several minutes, with her stating the word and the cat moving his paw.

What a weird ass way to spend the night. Stating words her cat pointed to. There was an odd bubbling that came to her as she sat there, finding G finally stopping from this game of say the cuneiform translation.

It felt… better.

She smiled a little, finding herself sighing happily as she leaned back.

The television was still a bit loud. She really needed to-

The volume went down.

Hakuno stared at the remote nearby.

No one was touching it.

G meowed a moment before Hakuno found herself staring at her hands. She had felt the slightest of feeling in her hands before the volume had gone down. As soon as the thought had passed, she’d-

Turn off.

This time she saw it.

It shot like a spark from the edge of her fingers. It looked like the writing in her book. The dead writing… that no one used…

Her television clicked off.

She grabbed the remote and clicked it back on, finding the television set to be just fine.

What was going on?

How on earth had she managed to…

“Lights off,” Hakuno said aloud now.

The entire room went dark, with all the lamps simultaneously turning off so that there wasn’t a single form of light in the room. She could hear the sound of cars passing. She could feel a strange thrumming of energy along her body.

How…

She pinched herself.

The pain said she was very much awake and she was very much seeing this happen.

“Lights on,” she declared.

More of those scribbles from the edge of her hands.

The lights in the room were all coming to life once again, filling the room with warm luminescence as she tried to think about how to explain this.

Right now, she was doing things that were… impossible.

She flicked the stove on.

She flicked it off.

She turned on the lights to the bedroom from the living room.

She turned them off.

She began to attempt levitating when she heard G chirp from nearby.

“What’s wrong?” Hakuno asked, moving to sit down again and tabling her investigating of her magic and her sudden need to begin looking into the world of magic for a bit.

More pointing.

Oh, but there was no hesitation in saying what he was pointing at. Not after this odd magic she was now doing. If she’d lost it and was half asleep, half awake, then this was fine. She’d repeat anything he wanted.

Word after word, she repeated them with more confidence than before.

The cat huffed for a few minutes after she said the last word, pacing around the house once again as Hakuno found herself looking through her copy of the Epic of Gilgamesh for some kind of explanation. There had to be a reason that this was the way it was.

After a few minutes, G came back.

They were once more repeating words.

It was probably a good thing that she didn’t have any of her friends around tonight. She’d barred the door and closed all the blinds, ensuring that she had the night to herself and G. No one else other than G and her would ever know that she was doing this kind of thing. Echoing words a damn cat told her to say, who would believe her?

Who wouldn’t send her to the nearest hospital?

Still, there she was.

Oh, if that man was before me though, Hakuno found herself thinking, remembering the blond from her bedroom.

Sparks shot forth. The golden cuneiform that she’d seen escape her so many times before for flicking switches and turning on and off things was hitting G, knocking the cat back and sending him rolling across her kitchen floor.

“G!”

The writing sparked and pulsed around the cat a moment before she saw the legs and arms elongate. She could see the body expanding, the fur growing shorter and shorter.

It was like staring into the depths of a horror film about werewolves. She could see the man shifting from the body of her cat. She could see those claws retract, paws turning into hands and feet. She could see-

No, let’s not think about that.

Hakuno gripped the doorway to her kitchen, staring over at the body of the man that had once been her cat. Her breathing was so loud in her ears. Her eyes were flickering over the muscled body of a man that was too glorious for words.

He brushed his hair back a bit, having those bangs sinfully fall back onto a face that really deserved to be…

“Hakuno,” that all too familiar voice breathed.

My cat is…

Hakuno stumbled back, grabbing her phone from her endtable and dialing the first number she had on her recents list.

“Hello? One very lucky and very tired Celt speaking,” Cu happily chirped as the naked Golden Adonis stood up in her kitchen.

“Cu! Cu, I need you to come over to my house.”

“Hakuno? What’s up?”

“I ah-“

“Hakuno,” the man in her kitchen called. He crossed his arms.

She could see everything from where she was crouched behind her couch. She could see everything and the man was hung like a damn horse!

“Hakuno?” Cu laughed a little. “Did you end up watching that horror flick without me?”

She could hear him, but her eyes were stuck staring at the man watching her. Those red eyes had met hers and it felt like she was looking at a snake in the midst of mesmerizing its prey.

“Alright, look. Just watch some anime or somethin’. You’ll be fine. Rin’s in the other room. I really, really can’t leave right now. You’ll be fine. Just remember, there aren’t any strange cases of people turning into animals or beasts.”

The sounds of a door opening on the other end of the line could be heard.

“Hot damn- I gotta go,” Cu told her, hanging up.

Her company at the house was moving closer. Walking with a stride that spoke of a confidence far too fine for any man to have. She could see those red eyes simply keeping her gaze, paralyzing her long enough for him to get within snatching distance.

“I am not sure how long this spell will last, Hakuno, but I would rather not waste it on watching you gape at my person and use your phone to contact others.”

The phone was out of her hands. She was stirring back to her senses the moment she felt him pull her out from behind the couch and drape her over the cushions of her sofa.

He’s too close.

If he was a killer, complaining could mean her death. Pissing him off could cause her death.

Hakuno wet her lips a bit, clearing her throat a little as she looked up at him.

“W-What do you want with me?”

The man stared at her a moment, no doubt taking in her expression a moment before he laughed. The man leaned over her, his fingers tilting her chin up a little as he drew intimately close.

“It is not what I want,” he purred, “but what is good for the sake of Uruk, my dear wife. We must find a way to cease this useless feline state of mine and correct these heinous sins against me and my good name. Hakuno, my strange and plain miracle…”

She could feel his lips press lightly to hers for a moment. His smile flashed her way.

“We have a duty to our people. You have the great honor of being my magic retainer before you occupy my bed as my full time lover and woman. Praise me as you see fit. Your greeting from last time shall suffice.”

#drabble #drabbles

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anannd-morrighan-lus-mor-blog · 7 years

Text

Why I call the Morrigan “Mother” (Please Hold Your Hate Mail Until the End)

You know, I think when most people are speaking of the Morrigan, even the aspect of the Morrigan that they work with, something like this is what first comes to mind.

(The Morrigan, artist unknown)

And this is both right, and fine. Because no matter whatever other aspect you work with her in, or whatever constellation of the Morrigna has called to you, the Morrigan is a war goddess (or spirit, as I have heard others say, but this post here will offend you enough...we’ll get to that in another post...), and very likely her biggest focus is war, all aspects of war. But especially victorious, bloody war. She is not a soft goddess. She is not a tender touch. She rains fire and blood on her enemies (literally, read the lore), her battle scream incites her favored side to rage and strikes fear into the hearts of those who oppose her. She is the death of Cu Chulainn, one of the greatest heroes of Ulster, because he unknowningly offered her extreme disrespect. She is still, despite her growth in popularity, one of the more feared and respected goddesses in the modern pagan world along with Hekate, Kali (when we appropriate her from Hinduism, that is) and Hel. She is Weapon, she is the Weapon of Weapons, as she is Leader and Beserker and Strategist, the worst atrocities of war and the best, most bloody results. At the end, she is the gatherer of Macha’s Acorns: the heads and souls of the slain. (The head was the spiritual seat in the Celtic World.) She is bloody death smiling at you at the end of a spear point, and the crow calling out your name.

Which is why so many people look at me like I’ve grown a second head whenever I call her “Mother” and insist that motherhood is one of her little known areas.

And the images that come to them are likely something along these lines...

Happy, lovely, fluffy mother who loves us all and will heal our boo boos and make the earth bloom with flowers and unicorns! (This is “Gaia” by an unknown artist, by the way.)

Well, no, mostly no.

Or they think of this one!

Fecund! Fertile! Bursting with life! The all-source of life that serves as Mother to All and that is her only REAL function! (Venus of Willendorf that we all know and love.)

Erm, no. Again, mostly no. I mean...no.

She’s a Maiden, Mother and Crone since she’s a triplicate! Of COURSE she’s a mother since it’s a part of the...

...I can’t even finish that. Good Heavens No!

(I think this sculpture is by Maxine Miller, who actually did a very nice Morrigan statue.)

Okay, and since I am who I am, I am going to get this out of way now...

She’s the peaceful, pacifist, loving mother! In her heart! She secretly wants everything to be all peace and all good and she wants to do nothing but watch over us and pray for us...

Again. No. No no no no no.

Have we got that out of our systems, now? All the ridiculous assumptions that are often made when connecting the Morrigan with the word “Mother”? Good. Let’s talk about how the Morrigan IS a Mother, and how the Morrigan accomodates such a role, and how limiting our gods/spirits is just as bad as making them out to be everything for everyone.

---Why we can’t limit her to lore, why we can’t rely only on UPG---

The lore is all we have to get culturally significant information on the Morrigan and concerning the Tuatha De Dannan. Notice I didn’t necessarily say “accurate”- the Celts did not keep much in the way of written records, at least not for the time period wer’re looking at... for materials that speak of a pre-Christian age, most of them were written down by Christians from the twelfth century onwards. While the great cycles of Irish Mythology have been recorded for us to enjoy, they were not exactly copied down by people without motive or who did not change the texts to suit their own religious views. This is not to say that everything, or even the majority, was changed to demonize or ridicule the old gods, but we’re pretty sure it happened. An example is the appearance of the Dagda being described as “gross”, with a tunic that barely covers his stomach or backside (depending on who you ask) and a penis that drags the ground in a comic display. We all know the Dagda as a great King, mighty Warrior and Father god who had a voracious appetite for life, women, mead and porridge. We know that Christians sometimes twisted the appearance or characteristics of the pagan gods to make Jesus seem better by comparison. We also know that fertility gods and humorous appearances (especially extra large genitals) go together like peas and carrots, and if you don’t believe me, google “Sheela Na Gig”. There are places where it is really hard to tell!

Further, it’s likely safe to say that the lore we have is likely not all of it. There are myths from many cultures that have been lost to time, and it is a possibility that important myths of the Morrigan are included in that group.

However, the lore is what we have, and through it, we are able to glimpse the stories and mythos of the Tuatha De Dannan, because much still survives that pulses with the life from before the first century. While this should be our first source, we must also keep the other points in mind.

Sometimes, the Morrigan will grant us UPG (Unverified Personal Gnosis). Sometimes, this is something meant for you and the Morrigan only, and this is fine. Sometimes, UPG might hearken back to lost lore, and the best way to judge that is to see how many others end up drawing the same conclusions...like following a thread. You can’t prove it, but something about it rings with authenticity. And...sometimes you’re just hearing what you want to hear. We all do it. I can usually tell this happened to me or someone else if the UPG fizzles fast, or if someone clings to it for dear life. If there is something to it, the UPG will stand for itself. Don’t discount your UPG, but don’t run after all your UPG...compare it to the lore.

A good example...why do so many of us assume the Morrigan’s hair is black? I mean, yeah, she loves her ravens, but there aren’t a lot of references to the Morrigan with black hair. The majority of the lore states the Morrigan has blazing red hair, red eyes brows and in one instance, “9 undone tresses” which means her hair is likely very, very long! Or full. She even appeared to Cu Chulainn in mostly head to foot red: hair, eye brows, dress, cloak. I have even seen references to her eyes being red. There are even references to her being “white” or “brilliant in color!”

And yet...so many of her representations are primarily dressed in black, adorned with black hair, with the head of a raven, with raven’s wings...and she is pleased! It’s because this UPG has become part of her presentation, and since it does not conflict with her nature, she is pleased by it, can be connected with by it. Is it explicitly in the lore? No. But it works!

Finally, keep in mind that the Morrigan may choose to change (even more than a hairstyle), and while we would still have her past forms still valid, there are also new forms that may or may not make themselves known. Brigid is an excellent example of this: She was/is Brigid the goddess of poetry, smiths and midwifery (among other things), she was/is St. Brigit, also called Mary of the Gales and proved to be mostly, if not entirely based on Brigid, and she is also Mama Brigitte, one of the few white lwa (in Voodoo, wife of Baron Samedi) and a result of the comingling Haitians and Irish (I think especially in New Orleans, but I could be wrong). (The more romantic story is the Baron fell in love with Brigitte, seduced her and brought her from Ireland to Haiti.) The same life runs through these figures, and each form is powerful, true and alive in it’s own right. Each form is still accessible without taking from them other, through the story still moves forward.

And yes, the above is my own UPG. Tear it apart later, there is more.

---The Morrigan is MY Mother---

Just like so many have matron goddesses, tutelary spirits and others that take a motherly role, the Morrigan has taken a motherly role with me. I address her as mother. Even over the years when I pursued other interests, she has always been there as my mother. And now, she has gone from being in the background to taking me in hand. Since then, she has not only acted as my High Queen, my High Priestess and my Lady, she’s been my mother, too.

This is solely a personal part of our relationship. I’ve seen her come to others this way, and I’ve seen her come to others a different way. It doesn’t have to be the same for everyone, but this is actually the number one reason I call her mother.

That’s it. That simple.

---The Morrigan is a mother, and no, it doesn’t necessarily make her a Mother---

I’ve not often seen references to the Morrigan’s children, though they do exist and I will mention them briefly.

1. Meche, sometimes said to be in the form of a drakkon, sometimes not, definitely said to have a heart, or three hearts that were filled with three serpents that would devour all of Ireland. He was killed by Dian Cecht.

2. Sometimes she is said to have Danu’s triplet sons who were smiths, their names escape me. (I’m writing most of this off the top of my head.)

3. Sometimes she is said to have 20-30 sons and 20-30 daughters (or even 50 of each!)...a testament to her fertility and strength, surely.

Being a mother doesn’t necessarily make her a Mother goddess. But to deny her motherhood in this way is insulting to Herself. To borrow from another mythos, Nephytys was the mother of Anubis but NOT considered a Mother goddess. To outright say, “Just because she gave birth doesn’t make her a mother” is really blasphemous, and the same goes for the Morrigan.

Even if you never agree that the Morrigan is a Mother, she is always mother.

(The Morrigan by Unknown...see blog in water mark)

---The Morrigan’s Many Faces---

There are honestly so many ways to see the Morrigan, so many ways she can appear, that it makes your head spin...part of this is because she’s a shape shifter and can pretty much appear the way she wants. This is made abundantly clear in the Tain, when she and Cu Chulainn are making their respective animosities known to one another. So already, we have a goddess who can appear as she pleases and who, by her nature, takes up many aspects.

The Morrigan very obviously oversees death and war and sorcery, which I think we’ve covered above. She also oversees prophecy (as evidenced by the prophecy she gave at the end of the war with the Formorians...) and poetry. Not the same kind of poetry as Brigid, but specifically poetry linked to prophecy or war. Nevertheless, I doubt that skill in the craft is lost on her. She oversees sovereignty (likely through her association with Macha) and guardianship of the land...some say she IS the land (hang on, we’re getting there), and fate, and I’ve even seen some people insist upon rebirth since she is so intimate with death. Same with performing the role of psychopomp, being compared to Norse Valkyries. Perhaps we are straying from lore, but some of this is relevant. I have even seen that the Morrigan represents the full circle of life, to represent water and overflowing emotions (and boy, is THAT another post!) and, finally, that she is indeed a mother, and a fertility goddess. Which is appropriate, since she’s also a goddess of sex, sacred sex and the marriage with the land in particular (see the Dagda). She is also associated with ghosts, with the Sidhe and witchcraft, usually of the darker or negative kind. Livestock was also a big part of her guardianship, as are storms, which can be linked back to the rain of fire and blood mentioned before. Some of this, we will return to.

So, wither or not we can find this in the lore (and most of it we can), we can certainly see where a lot of this comes from. I’ve heard a lot more over the years, but I’ve only included a short variety of what I personally give credence to. Your mileage may vary, and that’s okay. But let’s continue into briefly talking about the Morrigna.

The Morrigan is often simply listed as a singular entity, The Morrigan. And as any of us know, the Morrigan can be seen to seen to be a name or a title: An Mhor Rhaign, usually translated as “The Great Queen” or “The Phantom Queen”. Seeing this, I’d say that Queenship and Sovergnity, along with Identity with the Land, go hand-in-hand with this. Just sayin’!

She is often associated, or identified with other goddesses with their own identities, termed the Morrigna (or as I heard before, each Morrigna is like a piece of the whole Morrigan...don’t know how I feel about that, but I thought I’d include it anyway). Sometimes, the Morrigna as seen as sisters of the Morrigan, or as sisters that make-up the Morrigan.

Many of the Morrigna are as follows...I’ll leave their Wikis rather than do a lot of writing and distract from the article:

Badb: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Badb

Macha: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macha

Nemain:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nemain

Fea: Sorry, she doesn’t have a wiki, but you can find her online.

Anu:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anu_(Irish_goddess)

Most often, you will see references to Badb, Macha and the Morrigan. This is the primary triplicity in the lore.

Sometimes, you’ll see Badb, Macha and Nemain or Badb, Macha and Anu. I’ve even seen 3 Badbs or 3 Nemains. I’ve seen UPG combinations. The list goes on.

But let’s go back to the primary triplicity...this one is found in the lore, I might mention. The listing is for Badb, Macha and the Morrigan, whose name is Anand. Which, in case you didn’t know, is one of the cognates of Anu.

Now, we can look at this two ways:

1. So this just means that Anu is one of the goddesses associated with the Morrigan. Anu, who everyone probably associates with all those pictures of mothers that I posted to be antagonizing. Who personifies the land, might be the same as Danu (who IS Mother of the Tuatha De Dannan, IS a Mother Goddess)...who is all about all those life and rebirth and fertility things I mentioned...

2. Anannd is the Morrigan. Which means Anu and the Morrigan are the same goddess in different aspects. What about Danu? Which means Anu REALLY isn’t who we think she is, at least personality wise.

I really have doubts about #1. For the simple fact that the other goddesses are associated with her, and Anu was said to BE her, outright. So that really leaves us with #2...which we should look into further.

--- Anu and the Morrigan---

Some information on Anu...Anu is mostly known for being a bounteous Earth-mother type, associated with the wealth and abundance of the Earth. Morpheus Ravenna (Pg.101) also suggests alternative definitions of the name, such as womb or vessel. Hmmm! Her breasts are immortalized as the Paps of Anu (and I do believe the Morrigan has a similar monument): two mountains in green and lovely Ireland in the shape of breasts, with expertly placed cairns on the top and center. While she doesn’t have any known myths herself, she has been described as “the one who nursed the gods”, and she has often been put in the shadow of, or completely identified, with Danu (more in a minute). To quote Ravenna, again, “...once we have disentangled her from the shadow of Danu, we can more easily recognize her own maternal identification as a territorial land-goddess and provider of wealth and plenty through the land itself...Anu is mother not in the sense of primal creatrix, but in the sense of one who nurses, nourishes and sustains.” (Pg.106) A goddess of the Earth, of the fertility of the land.

As I will say below, there is more than one way to Mother.

(By the way, “Book of the Great Queen” by Morpheus Ravenna is my absolute favorite out there, and is worth every penny to get it. I heartily suggest you get your own copy.)

Okay, fine: I’ve pointed out that the Morrigan and Anu are equated and I’ve talked a bit about Anu. It sounds like they have nothing in common and we should leave Anu and Danu together and forget this whole mess.

Well...except that Anu and the Morrigan DO have some pretty important things in common.

- not only is she equated with the Morrigan several times (yep, several), she is listed, with Macha and Badb, as a daughter of Ernmas.

- She is EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIED with the Morrigan, as the goddess bearing the name as a title. Morrigan, who is Anand could be read as “The Great Queen, who is Anand”, using the name Morrigan as a title.

- They both intimately identify with the land and fertility and they both have similar monuments, i.e. the Paps.

- Both are linked to poetry.

-Anu, like the Morrigan, is thought to be one of the wives of the Dagda.

-Sometimes, Anu is said to bear three sons who are smiths, similar to the Morrigan.

On the surface, they are very different. But underneath, through the cult of the land, fertility and sovereignty, they link intimately. The lore we have to identify with even identifies the two as one. You CAN’T get more explicit as that!

(Ravenna, Pg. 102-105)

However, that leaves the question of Danu. Some like to say that Anu was absorbed by Danu, and that the two are one divinity. They certainly seem to have more in common.

Except that scholars and pagans are split over wither or not Danu existed in the ancient world. Unlike with Anu, Danu’s existence may be purely literary as even her name is a reconstruction from the name of her people. Many of the traces we do find of her can be attributed to either Anu or the Morrigan. She and the Morrigan have the same father and again, Danu is the mother of the same set of triplets.

However, I would like to say that the Tuatha De Dannan would not be the same without Danu, and whatever her origins, she is a living, vibrant goddess now! (Perhaps, evidence of UPG gone right.) As opposed to Anu’ s earthy fertility, Danu has become a Mother in the way of Divine Creatrix, an ancestral figure, a maternal source of secrets, strategy and wisdom...the personification, if you will, of the divine waters of creation.

And while I leave it up to you to make up your own mind, I do not equate the two. I think of them (The Morrigan and Danu) as sisters with tastes in common, but who are different enough as they wouldn’t be mistaken one for the other. Perhaps the absorption of Anu’s cult, at whatever time, has done this? Finally, I do not equate the two since it is not in the lore, and is not at all mentioned.

And so, Anu/Anand and the Morrigan are one...Anu gives the Morrigan a whole different presence, the Morrigan gives Anu a different vibe. Perhaps both names fit the same complex, savage, loving, wonderful goddess.

This is actually why I call myself Anand Morrighan- in homage to my mother as a Mother of Life, as the land upon which I stand that feeds me, helps be get stronger, shapes me and then will eat my bones and drink my blood when I am placed back in her arms.

(Yes, I am aware that my Irish is terrible. I’m working on it. In the meantime, it is what it is!)

Because of course your Land shapes you. Where you live. Where you’re from. Where you’re going. Where you will rest. It’s a two-way relationship, though we don’t know it anymore.

---So, what kind of Mother IS the Morrigan?---

Well, to draw from other cultures, she’s not Demeter. She’s not Isis. She’s not the Coatlicue or Gaia and she’s not any other you can think of. Although, these mothers also have their terrible aspects.

But considering everything, and using the Wiki definition (since it’s there and easy to get to), “A mother goddess is a goddess who represents, or is a personification of nature, motherhood, fertility, creation, destruction or who embodies the bounty of the earth”...The Morrigan can MORE than add “Mother” to her titles, based on this alone.

Let me ask you one question...why assume an Earth Mother is soft? Is Gaia soft? Would Uranus call her soft, who loved him and them had him castrated? How about Coatlicue, who wore a necklace of human hearts, hands and skulls, and was depicted as a loving mother and insatiable monster...still a mother? Is Demeter always soft, who would have let creation die unless her daughter was returned to her, who still lets the world freeze, in some parts to death, waiting for Persephone? I’m sure you can think of other examples.

But don’t worry, the land is a brutal mother, and she has to be- I am not saying that the Morrigan is a fluffy, sugary mother. Quite the opposite. Because, well, what is life, if not war?

In our cushy lives, we’ve forgotten that survival is not a guarantee. Some places in the world truly know this. The same land that lifts up the crop devastates it, or withholds it all together. Storms run through and our blood feeds the earth, just as the same storm cleanses the junk we’ve stuffed the land with. She, as the fertility of the earth, makes the buds blossom and as the land in blight, makes them wither. Livestock flourish, as if cradled, and then fall to disease. The weak and feeble among the newborn do not survive the winter. The same hand that blesses, chastises.

The Morrigan is the mother who would fight to the death to defend her children, who would sacrifice our of her own self to nourish us and watch us thrive...but she’s still the same mother who would cull the pack, leave behind who couldn’t follow and, without hesitation, fatally wound to ultimately cure.

Because life is war, in the end. And the Morrigan is a goddess of war. All aspects of war. But especially victorious, bloody war. And life is a bloody endeavor from the beginning.

Our Mother is a good mother...but she’s a brutal Mother, too. I believe the term often used is “Dark Mother”? She is strong, warlike and uncompromising, even in her tenderness and her love. But having her love is more than worth it.

(Mother by Someone really awesome)

#Morrigan #Celtic #faery magick #celtic reconstructionism #Celtic Shamanism

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sinewavessuniverse-moved · 7 years

Photo

Pink Sapphire + her Blue Pearl = Purple Larimar!

Pink Sapphire is defective; since her gem is on her eye she can neither see nor use future vision. She has several pearls to help deter visitors and stop her from being discovered, but Blue Pearl is the only one who ever talks to her.

Full origin story under the cut! (2065 words)

For thousands of years, she felt nothing.

Then suddenly, she felt everything. The feelings of the ground beneath her hands, the sounds of others outside, the smell of the freshly dug out soil. She put her hands to the wall and dug and dug until she could no longer feel the walls around her.

“Your Clarity!” called a gem who she would later learn was a peridot. “Our Diamond wishes to see you!”

She followed the sound of the peridot’s voice but soon lost her way.

“Your Clarity? We are over here,” added another peridot, sounding uncertain.

She turned to the voice and headed over again, but still was not sure exactly how far to travel. Soon, the two peridots headed over to her instead. “Your Clarity, ah, are you lost?” asked the first one.

“I don’t know,” she replied.

“Your Clarity, would you show the location of your gem?” asked the second peridot after a pause.

Silently, she flipped up her bangs to reveal a round, triangular faceted gem in the center of her forehead. She heard the peridots’ footsteps as they backed away.

“A blind Sapphire?” asked one. So she was a sapphire.

“Perhaps she still has future vision?” asked the second.

“Your Clarity!” called the first one. “Can you see where we shall take you?”

“You mentioned a diamond,” Sapphire replied uncertainly. “So to, uh, Our Diamond?”

“And after that?” the second peridot pressed.

“I don’t know.”

The peridots lowered their voices. “We can’t take her to Our Diamond,” whispered the first peridot.

“Should we ask Lace what to do?”

“No! Lace would have us harvested for making a mistake like this!”

“You’re right. Let’s bring her a pearl and a room, then tell Our Diamond she is not ready to be presented.”

“She needs a whole fleet of pearls.”

“Let’s bring her a primary pearl to watch her and take care of messages until we can give her the others.”

“What about Our Diamond?”

“We’ll figure that out later.”

They seemed to be unaware that Sapphire could hear everything they said. So there was something wrong with her, that meant she couldn’t see the Diamond, whoever that was, and she needed lots of pearls, when most only needed one. She didn’t really understand what they were talking about, but she figured she would go along with it.

“Your Clarity?” called a third peridot. “Your pearl is here.” Sapphire heard the light footsteps of another gem joining them.

“Your Clarity, your pearl should bring you to your rooms,” suggested the second peridot.

“Order her to do so,” added the first peridot.

“Um, Pearl, take me to my rooms,” Sapphire told the pearl.

“Yes, Your Clarity.” Pearl’s hand slipped into Sapphire’s and they headed off.

Pearl, unlike the peridots, was silent for most of the journey. Part of the way through, Sapphire asked, “Why were the peridots saying that I can’t be presented to ‘Our Diamond’?”

“Your Clarity, it is not my place to say.”

Sapphire found that no matter how hard she pressed, Pearl would not reply to her questions with more than a sentence, so she eventually stopped trying. Finally, Pearl announced that they had arrived at Sapphire’s room. She felt her way inside and floated there while Pearl closed the door.

For some time, Pearl and Sapphire simply lived in the room together. Pearl remained still while Sapphire floated and walked about, feeling every surface. Sapphire couldn’t understand why Pearl didn’t want to take everything in and was isolating herself.

Then came the second pearl, who was almost exactly like the first, although she spoke up a bit more quickly when Sapphire spoke to her. She still refused to answer any of Sapphire’s questions.

More and more pearls trickled in and Sapphire began to lose count. She didn’t understand the purpose of having all of them there, especially since none were truly helping her. The one thing she managed to learn from them was that they all had special names: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Purple, Pink, Gray, Teal. She wasn’t sure how they came up with those names, but she rather liked them, and she began to memorize which pearl was which by how they walked.

Then, finally, came the pearl called Blue, and Sapphire began to learn.

“New pearl, Your Clarity,” grunted a ruby, shoving another one in before slamming the door.

“Hello, what’s your name?” Sapphire asked.

“My name?” The pearl sounded confused.

“Your name. Like Red, or Pink, or Yellow.”

“Oh, you mean my color? I’m blue.”

“Blue. Such a nice name.”

“It’s just the color of my gem, nothing special.”

“Color, that’s the second time you’ve mentioned color. Tell me more about this color.” Sapphire was sure this attempt would be futile, but it was worth a shot.

“I don’t really know how to explain,” Blue replied. “It’s just part of the way things look.”

“And how do you sense this ‘color’?”

“With your eyes? Like–oh, I’m so sorry, Your Clarity, I forgot myself for a moment.”

“No, no, go on. Why are you sorry?”

“I forgot you don’t have eyes.”

The other Pearls let out odd gasps around the room. “What’s wrong?” Sapphire asked.

Blue paused, then replied, “We’re not supposed to point out your… defect.”

“See, this is what I’ve been wondering about, my ‘defect.’ No one will tell me what it is.”

“Most gems can tell where things are without feeling them,” Blue began, slowly, choosing her words carefully. “And most sapphires can tell what will happen in the future.”

“And I can’t,” replied Sapphire.

“And you can’t,” Blue confirmed.

“And that’s what’s wrong with me.”

“That’s why people think there’s something wrong with you,” Blue countered.

“Don’t try to make me feel better,” Sapphire replied. “I’ve always known there was something wrong. But now I know what it is. Thank you for telling me.”

After that, the rooms stayed quiet for a bit. Sapphire couldn’t tell how much time was passing, and she figured this had to do with her inability to “see.” Finally, she began to wonder about something else. “What do you pearls do all day?”

“We receive your messages,” Blue replied. “And we answer the door.”

“Why are there so many of you?”

“To take your messages, send away visitors, and come up with reasons you cannot attend formal events.”

Sapphire paused, then asked, “Why keep me around? Why not just harvest me?”

“You mustn’t say things like that!” interrupted Pink, shocked.

“It is a great honor to serve you,” Purple agreed.

“But what purpose do I serve?” asked Sapphire.

“You are Our Clarity,” Green replied, and from the sound of her feet shifting Sapphire could tell she was curtsying.

“The peridots are worried they’ll be harvested if Pink Diamond finds out,” Blue replied, blunt, cuing more shocked gasping from the others.

“I appreciate your honesty,” Sapphire replied.

Then more time passed, and Sapphire began to move about more, finding each of the pearls in an attempt to learn more about what they did. They tensed up when her hands brushed their arms and often tried to redirect her, still refusing to answer her questions. The only one who would tell her anything was Blue.

One day, all the pearls gasped at once. “What is it?” Sapphire asked, figuring Blue had done something unthinkable.

“Our Diamond,” Blue replied, voice choked with tears. “She’s-she’s been shattered.”

Sapphire’s hand flew to her mouth. She had never met Her Diamond, but still felt a strong bond to her. “Who-how did it happen?”

“It was Rose Quartz,” Red sniffed, speaking for once. “Horrible, horrible Rose Quartz!”

“And her terrifying renegade Pearl!” Yellow added.

“The Crystal Gems,” Gray spat.

“Rebels,” Orange sobbed, breaking the record for most Pearls speaking in a day.

Sapphire stood, still, in the middle of all of them, still absorbing the news, as she knew so many other pink gems were. She supposed if she had an eye she would be crying, but as it was, she was simply overwhelmed with sadness with no way to release it. She floated to a wall and simply lay against it.

Time seemed to pass more slowly. Not even Blue spoke for quite a while. When Sapphire brushed against a pearl, she had her head down. Blue Diamond had become somewhat of a symbol of mourning, so a few pearls formed hoods like hers to hide their faces. Others simply used their hair to cover their eyes. Later, Sapphire learned that this was because they had been adopted into Blue Diamond’s faction. Not them specifically, of course, since they were not supposed to exist, but all pink sapphires and their staffs now belonged to Blue.

Time went on and the hoods disappeared, but soon every pearl had her eyes covered with hair to fit Blue Diamond’s code. Sapphire kept her bangs parted, since the rule of leaving gemstones exposed outweighed the individual codes. As they began to feel more and more like Blue Diamond’s gems, everything slowly resumed to normal.

Then the next shocking news came. All the pearls gasped again, but then instead of crying, all of them save for Blue began to mutter in disgusted tones about how unheard of this was.

“What is it?” Sapphire asked.

“A Sapphire fused with a Ruby!” Teal’s voice was shrill and sounded absolutely disgusted.

“And then ran away!” Orange, for some reason, seemed to be the only one crying. “Blue Diamond lost a Sapphire!”

“Two different gems fusing?” Sapphire, too, was shocked.

“It’s unheard of!” Purple exclaimed.

“What did they form?” Sapphire wondered.

“Who cares what they formed?” Gray spat. “They formed an abomination!” Then, in a softer voice, she added, “Apologies if that was disrespectful, Your Clarity.”

“Sources say Garnet,” Blue cut in.

“A Garnet. That must be odd,” Sapphire mused. “Wouldn’t the gems be affected badly?”

“Perhaps,” Blue replied, “but it is hard to say.”

“Have any of you ever fused?” Sapphire asked. “If it’s not rude to ask.”

“We have never had reason to fuse,” Green murmured. “We can serve you perfectly well apart.”

“If I fused with one of you, would I be able to see?” Sapphire wondered.

All the Pearls but Blue gasped. “It would be unheard of!” Teal shuddered.

“It wouldn’t be the first,” Sapphire noted.

“Perhaps you would,” Blue replied, cuing more gasping from the other Pearls.

“I want to try it.” Sapphire felt her way to Blue.

“Are you sure, Your Clarity?” asked Red.

Sapphire turned to Blue. “How do we dance?”

Blue took Sapphire’s hand in hers and placed her other hand on Sapphire’s waste. Sapphire reached for Blue’s shoulder and the pair stepped forward and backward and left and right.

Then Sapphire saw the first sight she had ever seen: A bright white light. It soon faded into what Blue confirmed to be what her chambers looked like. In front of her–them?–stood the other pearls. They looked so similar, yet so different. All quickly moved into what she would later learn was the Diamond Salute.

“What am I?” she whispered. “I’m a fusion, but what kind?” She shut her eyes–that was odd, being able to shut off her vision then bring it back–and thought. The answer came to her and she opened her eyes again. “I am Larimar.”

Larimar slowly walked around the room, eyes wide as she took in everything around her. She came to a mirror and saw what she looked like for the first time: short and fluffy hair, three eyes with a gem on one iris, a long neck, a slim upper body and wide hips covered by a dress with puffy sleeves, short gloves on her hands, and slippers without socks on her feet. Inside Larimar, Sapphire wondered what she looked like and how much of the fusion was influenced by Blue. In response, Blue took control and shapeshifted the fusion to be shorter and rounder, with a longer dress that had opaque sleeves and an opaque, striped skirt. Larimar-Sapphire reached a hand out to touch the mirror, then returned to her first form.

“This is amazing,” Larimar breathed.

“You really ought to unfuse now,” Pink suggested, curtsying to be polite. “It’s not proper.”

Larimar grinned. “Who care’s what’s proper? No one knows we exist, so what’s wrong with us fusing?”

And the pearls, no matter how hard they thought, could not come up with a good answer.

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