not to expose myself as a cavetown fan (HDJFJS) but i was listening to alone from his new album (i added it to xie lian’s playlist a while ago) and it hit like so much harder now that i finished the books
⚠️ spoilers for book 6!! (i think) (white calamity arc) (anyways) ⚠️
"I feel like I bought all my friends
Am I your bud or your boss?"
this one reminds me of when mq left and xl started kind of panicking. he thought mq left because he didn't care enough to stay now that he wasn't getting paid, and gave his last valuable possession in an attempt to ensure that he would stay. he doesn't have a great sense of whether or not what he had with mq and fx was friendship (IT WAS BECAUSE I SAID SO AND BECAUSE THEY SHOW EACH OTHER SO MANY TIMES THAT THEY GENUINELY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER) and he thought he had to keep paying fx off.
but fx was genuinely sticking around because he was loyal and because he cared about what happened to xl :(
"I'm wanting to beg 'em to stay
I'm wanting to be who they choose
But still I keep pushing away
From people I don't wanna lose"
xl truly did not want to lose fx after everything that happened. he lived in that constant state of fear that fx would disappear and he'd be alone, and did so much to try to make sure it wouldn't happen.
in the end, the anxiety and fear was too much for him and he pushed fx away for good. he described the feeling of freedom of that fall. he was the one to cut fx off and make him leave, and it gave him the power. he made the decision and he made the final move, and when fx left he didn't ever have to think about how he might've felt if fx was the one who left him of his own will.
"Isn't it fun to be alone?
Isn't it what you want?
Isn't it something you've been looking for?
Isn't it fun?"
after slowly pushing everyone away and ending up entirely alone, and after everything that happened with wu ming, xl would've never admitted that it wasn't really what he wanted. not after wu ming. so he kept acting like that was what he wanted, like he wasn't feeling lonely, like it didn't hurt, because he wanted to feel pain and suffer for everything that he took as his own blame. he saw it as his fault, all a product of his own foolishness and selfishness and naivety, so the loneliness he chased was his curse to bear.
SORRY IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE OR. IS INACCURATE. I'M JUST YK GOING INSANE W MY THOUGHTS JAHSDGFASD