taycee591-blog

[taycee591-blog]

Day 47 of Social Distancing

I'm struggling. I cry almost every day now. I don’t know why. I’m just so incredibly lonely, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I wish, now more than ever, I had a best friend or significant other or close family for support. I feel alone with this. everyone has their person or people they hold close in a time of crisis. I understand people don’t have the energy or patience to deal with people other than their small circle. 

I just really wish I had this one person… someone to call / facetime regularly just to make me feel less alone. I talk to a rare few people regularly over text which I am incredibly grateful for because it helps a ton. but nothing makes up for face to face, even if it’s through a screen. I’m with my parents but we barely talk, let alone do things together. most days I barely speak at all. 

I keep asking around but nobody feels like it. I know people are dealing with it themselves, so I understand. I just wish I had one close person to share this “experience” with. one close person who is “my” person. 

#don't mind me I'm just ranting #I'm trying to be positive but I feel more alone than ever #I'm really grateful for people who I speak to every day via text #but I haven't seen a face other than my parents in weeks #I miss my friends #I miss hugs #and smiles #and friendly faces that don't tell me I should stop eating cause I've gained weight

[taycee591-blog]

Day 22 of Social Distancing

my sleep schedule is completely messed up. this is mainly due to the fact that I have a big group of friends that consists of people mostly from the US, and the friend who I mostly talk to and I are both home at the moment using the time to stay on voice/video chat for longer. I am kind of in a weird time zone between US West Coast and my own. which is okay. it makes me feel less productive because I sleep until after noon, but it’s really just shifted by a few hours. I sleep less than I normally would even.

I’m really tired. I need to find a rhythm and routine that works for me personally and in combination with being online with my friends.

I also haven’t left the house in forever. I did go on a walk in the woods with my mum about a week ago but other than that, I’ve been getting up, playing The Sims all day, and going to sleep. while playing The Sims I’m on video chat with my friend(s) sharing my screen because I’ve decided to make our friends group and have them go crazy in a Big Brother kinda way – essentially leaving them alone and seeing who survives the longest. it’s fun.

being in touch with them via voice/video chat is helping with my loneliness a lot. I do miss my friends terribly, and I cannot wait to get back to London and give them the biggest hugs. they are working and don’t have time to facetime regularly (or at all so far), which is okay but I miss them. 

my mental health is doing… okay, all things considered I guess. I don’t feel any one way; if I try to think about how I’m feeling my mind stays blank. which I guess is a good thing. I’m sad a lot but playing The Sims distracts me for the most part. I’m really lonely though. not just because of the quarantine. it just generally made me realise just how alone I am, and I miss being super important to someone but I find it really hard to trust and get close to people. oh well. sounds like a problem for after this. now I’m just trying to pass the days and “enjoy" it as much as I can...

I might start streaming on my Twitch channel or YouTube again at some point. maybe I’ll just record stuff and upload it to YouTube. I don’t know. I just need some sort of purpose, even if it’s tiny and/or ridiculous. most importantly I need to finally start sticking to a routine, no matter what timezone it’s in.

#blablabla #quarantine diary

[taycee591-blog]

Beating The Blues: CLEANING!

really???? I hear you moan collectively. yeah, really. :D

now, look. I hate cleaning and chores as much as the next person. but, think about it. when is the next time you will have way too much time than what you know what to do with? isn’t usually the reason why we never clean, declutter, etc. the fact that we never have time? (ok, in my case it’s mostly laziness but that’s not the point).

so, how about today we are going to clean our bedroom? 

and by clean, I don’t just mean vacuum real quick, maybe mob the floor. no, I’m talking, take the whole thing apart, go through clothes and finally get rid of those size 0 skinny jeans you wore when you were super skinny due to psycho stress and have been keeping for hopes of getting there again (*LOOKS AT SELF*), and maybe even rearrange your room? you can even step it up more and order some new decorations off Amazon to give it a completely new look (well not me, because Amazon doesn’t deliver to Switzerland and the borders are shut and IKEA is closed but yeah you get the idea). you can even donate some of your old things instead of throwing them out (either now, or keep them in a box to donate later when things have gone back to normal).

just create a space you feel completely comfortable in, because, let’s face it, chances are you are going to spend a LOT of time in there still... 

click here for a good page to help guide you or get you started.

okay, ready?

on your mark, get set, GO!!!!

bonus if you take before and after pictures!! extra bonus if you feel like sharing.

#corona #beating the blues #cleaning #spring clean #quarantine #self quarantine #quarantine blues #coronavirus #covid19 #corona 2020 #quarantine 2020

[taycee591-blog]

remember that this too shall pass. use the time for self-discovery. to wind down. to think about who you are and what you want in life. it will be okay.

no matter how bad things were in history, every storm came to an end eventually. and so will this one. <3

[taycee591-blog]

Social Distance Socialising: FACETIME!

(or Skype/Discord/Line/your preferred video chat software)

as an introvert (with Social Anxiety and AvPD)  I am used to being on my own for the most part but especially since I got to London I have met some amazing people who I’m lucky enough to call my friends now and I really, really miss them. I haven’t seen any of them in three weeks which was my last day at the job where they all still work. 

we refused to say goodbye properly because “we’ll see each other anyway”. little did we know that not even 2 weeks later, social distancing was put in place and we were no longer allowed to meet people outside our own household in our free time.

after seeing them almost every day for 4 months, I miss them a LOT 3 weeks into this, and the thought of not seeing them for months to come breaks my heart. which is one of the main reasons I have never been more grateful for the internet.

and this is my experience as an introvert who genuinely likes being on my own. I cannot even imagine how the extroverts feel, trapped in their houses unable to see other people. so here is an obvious and important tool: VIDEO CALLS.

it’s just different than texting or calling. you can actually see your friends, show them the drawing you did out of boredom, or the way you cleaned or rearranged your room. you can show them your pets if you have them and make their day. you can even host entire conference calls with your whole crew and “meet” for an online brunch on a Sunday morning!

I know that video calls can never ever make up for face to face contact but it is so much better than not seeing their faces at all. if you can, you can even arrange for your grandparents or parents to get set up wit facetime or another video call service so you can stay in touch without putting them at risk. 

[taycee591-blog]

Beating The Blues: VIDEO GAMES!

The Sims 4

who doesn’t know The Sims? This life simulator has been around since 2000 and, now in its 20th year, is better and more fun than ever.

with not only an abundance of expansions but an even bigger variety of custom content (CC) downloadable (mostly) for free on the internet, there are virtually no limits to this game. and what is usually one of the game’s “flaws” becomes its biggest strength during quarantine: it’s a real time killer!!! once you start building a house and a family to move in, and then try to create a life for your Sim(s), the hours are going to fly by. 

the most elaborate house I have built (which you can find here https://www.facebook.com/tanjacaloi591/media_set?set=a.10219453502431096&type=3) took 4–5 hours to build and 7–8 hours to decorate. it was built over the course of a whole weekend.

The Sims 4 is available on pretty much any platform, but I highly recommend playing it on a computer because it’s just the most fun (plus you get to use CC)!

[taycee591-blog]

Beating The Blues: MOVIES!

A Love Song For Bobby Long (2004)

A young woman, Pursy (played by Scarlett Johansson), learns that her estranged mother has died in New Orleans. She returns to her mother's house to discover that it is inhabited by two men, one an ageing alcoholic, Bobby Long (John Travolta).

ahhh this is one of my favourite non-mainstream movies (if not my actual fave). I randomly came across the DVD in a store years ago and bought it out of curiosity because I love Scarlett. I since watch it at least once or twice a year. I have no idea what it is about it that just always gets me in the feels. it’s a slow burner, very non-exciting but it has so much heart and the ending has me in tears every time. all I can say is, it’s not your typical love story! 

#beating the blues #corona #quarantine #self quarantine #coronavirus #covid19 #quarantine 2020 #self isolation #isolation #movies #boredom #a love song for bobby long #scatlett johansson #john travolta

[taycee591-blog]

in case anyone is wondering how my quarantine sleep schedule is going: I managed to fuck it up so badly that I ended up playing The Sims until 3am last night, I didn't sleep until 5am, woke up at 10am, was so tired all day that I did absolutely nothing but lie in bed. was gonna get an early night to get back into a rhythm. fell asleep at 7pm, woke up at 10pm. it's now 12:30am and I am wide fuckin awake. SEND HELP. 🥴😩😂

#this why I haven't posted my daily updates #my days are so messed up

[taycee591-blog]

Beating The Blues: WORKOUT!

here is an at home no equipment workout I found on YouTube, to keep those bodies healthy and fit! let’s all try to follow this as best as we can – even if you only fo 50% of it, that’s still a lot more than doing nothing.

we got this!

#corona #quarantine #self quarantine #coronavirus #corona 2020 #workout #home workout #beating the blues #boredom #stay fit #stay healthy #isolation #self isolation

[taycee591-blog]

Self-Care: RELAX!

I know relaxing is hard in a time like this. none of us have ever experienced anything like it, we are all scared for our loved ones, our friends, our jobs, our economy, our world. I get it. if there is one feeling we are all feeling right now, it’s fear.

and that’s okay. it’s important to let yourself feel those feelings. whether it’s fear, anger, frustration, helplessness, insecurity, sadness… those are all very valid feelings during this time of uncertainty. give yourself the space and understanding to experience those feelings. don’t beat yourself up if you are constantly stressed and find it hard to find the positives. that’s okay.

but I would like to ask you to try and give yourself some room to relax, too. while admitting your feelings and acknowledging them and letting them happen is important, it’s also important not to let yourself drown in them which can happen really easily right now. 

no matter if it’s one hour, one afternoon, one day… just give yourself a specific amount of time – in regular intervals – where you do not worry about anything. life is on hold. everything is on hold at the moment. no one is pressuring you to find a job RIGHT NOW. no one is judging you for being at home binge-watching a show right now. we are all trying to get through this, by any means necessary to stay sane. allow yourself room to breathe.

here are some things you can do for even just one hour a week:

– make yourself a cup of tea and read a book or watch a movie / tv show

– grab some pen and paper and write 

– grab pencils and paper and draw (it doesn’t have to be good!)

– make yourself a hot bath, light some scented candles, and let your body soak in the warmth

– indulge in a hobby (as long as you are practicing social distancing)

– get back to studying that language you’ve always wanted to learn

– learn a new skill that brings you joy or maybe even helps in your career (bonus!)

the possibilities are endless of course. come up with your own self-care routines. the goal (at least for myself) is to allow yourself at least one day a week to be as nice to yourself as you possibly can. we are all having a hard time, it’s important to take care of ourselves. I am going to publish a self-care post every Sunday (you can follow those steps on any day of the week of course, but I would like to make Sundays my self-care days).

I know this is hard. if anyone ever needs to vent or talk, my inbox is always open. we got this. <3

[taycee591-blog]

Day 13 of Social Distancing

Day 3 of Self-Quarantine

what I did today

today I reinstalled my gaming PC and played The Sims 4 for like 7 hours. and that’s about as productive as I got today. now it’s 10:30pm and I’m watching Orphan Black. one of my absolute favourite TV shows and my 4th time watching it.

how I feel today

I feel… okay. I don’t feel any one way, really. at this point, I’m just… existing. I was hoping to maybe get some facetiming done with some friends this weekend but so far nobody seems to be up for it, so I was “social” on The Sims haha I hope I’ll get to actually talk to someone face to face soon, feeling pretty lonely at the moment; my parents are just watching TV all day.

1 positive thing

uh. I made a cute family on The Sims. I only ate twice today so at least there was no snacking. :D

1 thing I could do better

I really want to start doing some exercise but so far haven’t been able to motivate myself.

how I took care of myself today

Sims! lol

[taycee591-blog]

Beating The Blues: TV SHOWS!

Orphan Black (2013–2017)

A woman, Sarah Manning, spots her doppelganger on a station platform. The double then commits suicide by jumping in front of a train. Sensing an opportunity, Manning takes on the deceased woman's identity. However, she soon discovers that the doppelganger is not just a once-off and the more she investigates this strange occurrence, the more dangerous it gets.

This is one of my all-time favourite shows! I’ve seen it 3 times, and will likely rewatch it sometime during quarantine!

Tatiana Maslany, who takes on an incredible amount of different roles, is absolutely flawless, and the plot is just so compelling and keeps you on your toes. Highly, highly recommend if mystery and sci-fi (and amazing acting) is your thing! hell, I even recommend if none of these are your thing – my mum hates sci-fi but LOVED this show.

All 5 seasons are available on Netflix (Europe) / Amazon Prime (US).

[taycee591-blog]

Day 12 of Social Distancing

Day 2 of Self-Quarantine

what I did today oh god, today I did absolutely nothing but waste my time on social media. I took a nap around 5pm and only got up to have dinner, then watched some quiz show with my parents. I feel absolutely horrible. I did try and write down a routine that I wanna try and stick to as best as I can from next week. I’m giving myself the weekend to be a lazy shit but then I really need to try and get my act together.

how I feel today honestly? I feel like crap. I’m in full depression mode and I am aware but I have no idea how to break the cycle. I keep thinking of stuff I could do – the possibilities are ENDLESS and I finally have TIME for all these things – but I literally cannot bring myself to do any of it. I’m not even in the mood to read or play video games. it’s the absolute worst. I’m trying not to be whiny or annoy my friends so I keep it off my social media but I’m really struggling at the moment. I need to break the cycle somehow. and soon.

1 positive thing uhh. I drank about 1l of tea..?

1 thing I could do better stop feeding my depression by staying in bed and on my phone all day. like, seriously!!!

how I took care of myself today welp. I drank some tea. yeah, that’s it.

[taycee591-blog]

Beating The Blues: BOOKS!

reading is one of my favourite things in the world so I would like to start my series “Beating The Blues” with a book recommendation.

The Invisible Library (series) by Genevieve Cogman

This series is about a librarian who works in the Invisible Library which connects different universes by acquiring books from the respective universes. Our main heroine is called Irene (all Librarians choose a literary name). She travels to these alternative universes to get hold of those books, meeting new friends and all kinds of new foes along the way.

I have read the first 3 books in this series, and the thing I love about them is that every book takes place in a different universe. It allows for an incredible amount of imagination on the author’s part. The books are not too long, the perfect length for a casual fantasy read. I highly recommend them – I will definitely use my time in quarantine to read the rest of them!

#covid19 #quaranine #self quarantine #beating the blues #reading #books #the invisible library #quarantine blues #isolation #corona #coronavirus #quarantine 2020 #boredom #for the love of books #booknerds #book #fantasy #fantasy books #love in the time of corona

[taycee591-blog]

Day 11 of Social Distancing

Day 1 of Self-Quarantine

what I did today

I wrote some blog posts and queued them up to make sure I keep my “one post a day” promise. they’re mostly posts for a series I call “Beating The Blues”, which is basically just movie/book/tv show recommendations and other ideas to stay busy. other than that I spent most of my time browsing facebook and instagram because I just feel very tired and anhedonic. I will try to be a little motivated in the future in order to Beat The Blues myself.

in the evening I just scrolled through facebook and instagram again while also talking to my friend Doug on voice chat for a few hours (well, it’s midnight and we’re still on).

how I feel today

I feel really exhausted for some reason, and I can’t say if it’s because I never drink enough these days, or I’m actually getting a little sick. my face feels hot and I’m a little nauseous. I’ll try and up my water and tea intake and see what happens. definitely keeping an eye on it, even though it’s probably nothing.

self-isolation from my parents is getting to me a bit simply because I banned myself from using the kitchen or any other areas we all use (e.g. the room with the gym stuff). I’m used to being in my rooms all the time, but having a decent routine that includes exercise and cooking etc. won’t be possible until after self-isolation. so for now I’m allowing myself to be lazy.

1 positive thing

not something I did, but my mum made me English Breakfast today, I guess she doesn’t want me to feel too homesick, ha!

1 thing I could do better

spend less time on social media, and more time trying to figure out a routine that works (and then stick to it). like I said, this is not entirely possible until after self-isolation but I still wanna try. I want to maybe implement no-phone-hours because as long as I have access to my phone I won’t be motivated to do anything because facebook/instagram is easier. maybe I’ll start with that tomorrow.

how I took care of myself today

allowed myself to just “be” without forcing myself to do anything “productive” other than blog posts as I’m still adjusting to being back home and all. 

[taycee591-blog]

Flying In The Time Of Corona

yesterday I took my much dreaded journey back to my parents’ house in Switzerland.

I’d previously donated most of my fresh food to a lady battling cancer in my street who could not go out, and told my flatmate he can have whatever is left in the fridge when I leave.

I got up at 5:15am, got ready, finished packing and everything, then called an Uber at 6:10am. I got to the airport at around 7:00am.

the general mood at the airport was bleak. it wasn’t super busy, but there was quite a few people. a lot of Japanese people, I noticed. most of them in full hazmat. and I mean full, gloves, masks, goggles and all.

I checked in my bag and made my way through security as always (they had to take off their hazmat suits for that lol) before continuing to the waiting areas for gates A. it was just around 7:30am and according to the departures table they wouldn’t announce the gate for my flight to Zurich until 8:05am.

I walked around aimlessly, taking in the scene. 99% of the stores were closed. no restaurants, most duty free stores shut. Boots had a queue in place and would only let a handful of people enter at any one time. 

I waited at a random gate until they finally announced mine so I went up to A17 and waited some more. boarding started around 8:20.

walking through the plane to 28F, I noticed that, wherever possible, they’d spread the people apart, meaning the middle seat in the rows of 3 were empty. since my row wasn’t like this (I was sitting next to an elderly couple in literal gas masks), I’m not sure if maybe the middle people just hadn’t arrived by the time I got in. they did say the flight was fully booked, so not sure.

honestly though, walking through the aisle past row upon row of people in all sorts of masks or full hazmat, I felt like I was boarding a plane to Chernobyl.

anyway, we departed with a delay of about 15 minutes but the flight itself was very nice. I did not see a single cloud between England and Switzerland. the weather was a dream -- no doubt due to the fact that England and France are on lockdown so there is barely any pollution in the air at the moment. but it made me sad because the weather was so incredible and everyone was stuck inside.

I made it to Switzerland at 11:40am local time (10:4am in the UK). just before we started landing, they advised us that the Swiss Health Department and the police have instructed them to have us remain in our seats after docking into the gate and only leave passengers out in small groups of up to 20 people to avoid large crowds and follow social distancing. 

here is a video recording of the announcement.

about 10mins after landing, they asked those people with connecting flights to Stockholm and Tokyo to get off first to make sure they’ll make their connecting flights. I later learned from my dad that there won’t be any more fights to Tokyo after today which is why my flight was so full of Japanese people trying to get home asap.

after all transit people were off, they started letting us out group by group. first business class, then the first 4 rows of economy, the next 4, the next 4, etc. I was in group 2 in economy. upon leaving I told one of the flight attendants that I actually quite like this portioned leaving because it’s much less stressful, and she agreed.

also, the good thing was that the waiting gave them time to get our luggage to the baggage claim so I literally walked out the plane and instantly saw my suitcase. spent less than 2 minutes in the baggage claim area.

I met my dad in the arrival area (no hugs or anything obviously because he is 70 and god knows what I picked up in those airports), he drowned me in hand sanitiser and gave me a mask for the drive back home. 

I got here around 1pm yesterday. it feels so weird to be back home, but good to be in my own bed again. I’m staying at least 6ft away from my dad at all times, and wear a mask whenever I’m not in my room, just to make sure. I will keep this up for about 5–7 days until I can be quite certain I didn’t pick it up on my way here.

I miss London already, I feel like I’ve abandoned my city in a way. I wanted to stay and be there for my neighbours and stuff. but the prospect of being trapped in that tiny room just fuelled my panic so bad. the space was the sole reason for me deciding to make that journey.

everyone I talked to about it said it was the right choice. 

I wish I could believe this.

[taycee591-blog]

I have made a decision.

it’s not one I’m particularly proud of, and yet I think it was the right one. and a lot of my friends agree...

last night, amidst a panic attack induced by the news that they are going to close the parks and are likely to put us on enforced lockdown in London, I booked a flight to leave for Switzerland on Wednesday, the 25th of March.

to understand this foolish sounding decision, you must know I live in a VERY small flat that I am sharing with someone who works in a restaurant near Southbank so has currently no job and stays home 24/7 as well. it’s his room, my room, a shared bathroom and a shared kitchen. no living room. no space to move around. my bedroom is very small and consists of a bed and a tiny desk (and wardrobe/drawers/shelf/tv). being trapped in one room for up to 12 weeks without being able to leave and go for walks would send me into a 3 month state of panic and anxiety. 

my parents have a really big house, and they have asked me to come home a week ago. I said no because I wanted to stick it out here, in my new home, helping out within my community, trying to find a job amidst the chaos. but the prospect of enforced lockdown is scaring me so much that I have decided to become one of THOSE people. but I am not going on vacation. and even if it doesn’t sound like it, to me, this travel is essential. I have the chance to wait this out in a much bigger space, and I am taking it. plus, as many differences as I’ve had with my parents over the years, I would rather be with my family than on my own (as me and my flatmate barely know each other because we worked such different times, and barely talk).

I will take all the necessary precautions. I will take an Uber or Taxi to get to Heathrow by 7am (flight leaves at 8:50). I will be using hand sanitiser every few minutes, try my BEST not to touch my goddamn face. my dad, who will be 70 in June, is coming to pick me up at Zurich Airport so I can stay away from public transport. he will bring a mask I can wear during the car ride home.  

once home, I will isolate from my parents for at least 5–7 days to make sure I’m not passing anything on to them. I have 2 rooms to myself in our big house, so staying away from my parents is going to be easy (it’s essentially what I’d been doing all my life anyway). my mum will likely make my food so I won’t have to use the kitchen and then bring it to my room. we’ll make it work until I’m sure I didn’t catch it.

I’m not leaving London of course. fuck, I’m gonna miss this city and its people so much! but right now, I need to take care of my mental health in all this. being confined to my flat has been a painful reminder that I do still have Avoidant Personality Disorder, (Social) Anxiety Disorder as well as Panic Disorder and Depression. it took a LOT of work to get where I’m at now. I can’t risk falling back into the anxiety and depression hole by being trapped in a tiny room for 3 months or more. 

I am keeping my flat, I’ll keep paying rent, I’m leaving lots of my stuff here so I WILL be back once this is over.

this is right for me. I will be okay, and you will be okay, and this is going to be over at some point and we will all go outside with a new appreciation for our privileged life. I am counting the days until I get to see and hug my friends again, until I get to see my friend’s 4 year old and play with her at the park, to go out for coffee, explore this amazing city, to travel when I can, to go for strolls soaking up the sun.

but until then, let’s all fight this crap together. by staying home, by taking care of ourselves and our loved ones, and by showing TONS of appreciation to all those key workers who, despite everything, somehow manage to keep the world going. y’all are the real MVPs.

it will be okay. <3