zenithjournal-blog

[zenithjournal-blog]

7.17.17 / 8

So… it’s been a while. It’s 1:24 am right now. Yeah, yikes. I just spent literally 45 minutes or more searching for the goddamn email to this account because I couldn’t remember it aghhhhh that was annoying. But don’t worry, I’m learning from my mistakes and I’m writing all my emails and accounts down now lol.

I should’ve kept this going. I wish I would’ve documented my senior year which was basically the fucking point of this blog to help me gather my thoughts and memories through such a crazy time. And it was crazy. Good, bad, ugly, and very ugly. I have some good memories and I’ve done things this year that I’m not proud of and I never thought I’d do. I wish I could erase some things but that’s the tricky thing about time. It’s linear right now in this tiny, human, 2017 perspective and I can’t change it. All I can do is learn, grow as a person, and move on I suppose.

I’m gonna do a review of everything I can remember of the highlights. Starting off with my teachers: I ended up really disliking Mr. and Mrs. D by the end of the year. Mrs. D gave me hell this year, partly my fault but unnecessary grief on her part. At least I got Hamlet and Siddhartha from Mr. D and I wrote a 10 pg paper about parallel universes that I’m very proud of. Nonetheless both their classes were struggles. I liked Latin a lot in the beginning and Mr. Du of course but honestly I kind of dreaded the class being the only senior. It was kind of pointless at the end besides the credit. I did get some useful knowledge out of it honestly, so it wasn’t a waste I guess. Bio was great I looked forward to the class pretty much every day. Mrs. A was such a sweetheart, so caring and funny and smart I loved having her and being able to have a chill class during the day. She made me feel comfortable enough to talk during class and ask questions, something I never really did during high school. I’ll definitely miss her. I weaseled my way into Mr. F’s class somehow and I had Liz so I didn’t wanna die as much as I expected to lol. Art class was kind of up and down. Ms. C filled in for Mrs. S for a few months and I grew to really like her and was sad to see her go. I wasn’t really looking forward to Mrs. S coming back to be honest because of how strict she can be with some things but she is really a nice teacher and she likes me a lot. She encouraged me and complimented my art work a ton throughout the year and I’m really grateful for that. I entered my self portrait into scholastics and I won the gold key award!!!! I’m proud of myself and Mom and Dad and Grandma and Papa and Mrs. C of course were thrilled and were all there to support me that day. Mrs. W was suuuuch a sweetheart, I really loved her this year. I’ve never been able to say I liked math class, liked my math teacher, and most unexpectedly- understood the math I was being taught. She really did make such a difference for me this year I’m so so so grateful I got her this year she was so understanding of my vertigo and helped me make up all my assignments and stand up to guidance when they gave me trouble. I’ll miss her a lot and won’t forget her impact.

So in the beginning of the year I was dealing with all the stupid drama with “O”. I’m mad at myself for acting the way I do when I’m in situations where I don’t want to talk to people anymore, I don’t know why I can’t just be up front. I really hope I can work like that because it really ate at me the way I treated her. She was making me uncomfortable and it was a sketchy situation but no one deserves to be treated like that and I need to fix that about myself. But that ended around the end of November when I finally started to post on social media again. I hung out with Timmy, Kate, and Laura practically all the time in the beginning of the year. We had Laura’s birthday party in November which was fun. However, September through about December was kind of a blur. I lost my drive to seek out spirituality and was disconnected from positivity. I was focused on bad decisions involving substances that I never thought I would go near. It was honestly a pretty dark time. I was depressed and looking back I’m just disappointed in myself. I lost sight of things that were important and healthy. It did continue on for a few months but I’ll get to that.

Halloween was probably the first instance since the summer when I realized the friendship between me and Laura faltering. In the summer she was going through one of the worst times in her life and I completely understand that. But she pushed me away and didn’t listen to me and she pulled some shitty stuff over me that I never thought someone would do to me, especially her. I was hurt. Then when the really bad stuff happened to her I sucked it up and I was there for her because being there when she needed support was more important than whatever I was feeling. So we were on good terms again but it was different. On Halloween when she was just being weird about our costumes was when I felt that tear again. It sounds dramatic but I don’t know how to describe it, that’s just what I felt. Then things kind of went smoothly between us for a while.

Christmas came around and I had a really nice holiday. I don’t think there was any fights and I just had a fun time. I took Timmy to the Christmas party and it may have been later that night or the next day I went to my first house party. It didn’t last that long but yeah. Then on New Years Eve I went to my first REAL party at the same place, it was crazy. I really did have a lot of fun and I danced the whole night. But enough of that, onto other stuff. In January I turned 18. I didn’t have a huge party or anything but I hung out with my family and I went to a couple places with Timmy that night. Trump got placed into presidency officially so that was pretty depressing obviously. I had the scholastics awards later that month and unfortunately more bad stuff happened with Timmy. It was a rough time, I just want the best for him.

I drew a lot in February and took a lot of cute pictures. I was getting back into a positive mindset and I was happier this month. I started watching Koi again. Spirit week for my senior year actually went well. I participated and took pictures every day, can you imagine? Tell that to freshman year Carina and she’ll laugh in your face. I was in the art banner group so I contributed something and it felt nice to say that for once. I went out of my comfort zone, even if it was just a little and dressed up each day. I cheered on gym day with Timmy and we won! I felt included for once.

March was another pretty good month, I was still pretty positive and getting back into a spiritual mindset. I forgot to mention earlier about going to clay- the best thing ever! Me and Liz really reconnected this year and we went to clay pretty regularly since about October til it ended and I really really enjoyed it. I picked up throwing and I was pretty decent at it. I went a lot during March and made a lot of pottery. It was my happy place and I’m really glad I had a positive space for myself to express myself and hang out. The whole St. Patty’s day parade fiasco happened. This is when I started feeling disconnected from Laura again.

In April it pretty much continued from March, clay, koi, and pretty good vibes. It was a really art based month and so was May. I drew another yoongi portrait which turned out to be my bed art piece yet. I’m still extremely proud of it. I love drawing him so much. When I realized I wasn’t going to get into temple I shifted my focus into CHC. I visited it and pretty much forced myself into thinking it was right for me. I was wrong, but we’ll get to that.

A few days after that I went on the art club trip to the Barnes foundation which was so freaking fun!!!! The art was so pretty and I had such a nice time I loved it so much. May was like the month of flowers for me lol. I ran the art show again and had a great time setting up and showing off my art. I was positive and surrounded my self with spirituality. I started watching Dakota and Claire who I really connect with. I’m glad I found these beautiful souls.

To side track: Laura started basically just ignoring me for weeks at a time around these months for a reason I still don’t know. I don’t know if I did something or if she was going through something… I was upset about it regardless. I felt like I was losing my best friend and I didn’t know why. I still don’t. After everything we’ve been through I don’t want to lose her. I love her as a friend and I just don’t know what changed in a year. I’ll get back to this.

June snuck up on me FAST. This was it. 16 days and I was done with high school. Shitty freshman year, rollercoaster sophomore year, blurry junior year, and my indescribable senior year. It was all coming to a close. The trip to Hershey was a blast, I had a lot of fun and I was dead by the end of the day. I hung out with Timmy for the day because Laura and Kate didn’t show up. This was when things were still super weird between me and Laura. We were talking but it was just weird.

My last week of high school finals came. I studied kind of lol but kind of not but passed everything nonetheless. I said goodbye to the teachers that I’d miss and that was it. I’m getting a little emotional writing this now. All the graduation and class day practices came which was a blur. Some of my last moments with my class. Baccalaureate happened and Laura actually came to dinner with my family and I after. It seemed actually normal for a second. Then came class day. I walked with Timmy and I felt pretty in my dress. I got loads of pictures with my friends and I got to talk to Rachel quite a bit. I really do love her, she was my first friend and is still one of the kindest people I know. Jenn sent me a graduation gift around this time filled with Mexican candy, a lovely letter, and a beautiful necklace. I don’t know what I did to deserve her honestly she is so kind and positive and I’m so grateful to have met her.

Graduation day. I made my cap an hour before heading to the school, I might as well be rushing for the last school event. We loaded the buses and headed to the high school. While waiting in the line I got to see Mr. H. I got to hug him and tell him how much I missed him and he said the same and told me to keep in touch. I should’ve emailed him but I feel weird to do it now considering what I’ll get to in a bit. We walked past everyone and walked into the gym. I found my family while walking to my seat and tried not to get emotional. The ceremony was honestly a blur. I got my diploma and soon the hats were thrown. I turned right for my family and they were so proud. I gave lots of hugs took lots of pics and soon the night was over. That’s it. High school is done. It didn’t really hit me until a week or two later. This chapter is closed.

Then summer started a few weeks ago. Things were the weirdest they’ve been between me Timmy, Kate, and Laura. It was like we split in half, we just weren’t talking and they’d ignore us. Me and timmy didn’t and still don’t know why. Eventually we hung out but it was still just super fucking weird. We hung out 3 times this summer, it’s just not what I pictured it to be.

Speaking of that. College. So no surprise my anxiety got the best of me. Sort of. I’ve just been so overwhelmed with the thought of leaving from the money situation, me having no life skills, being away from my family, having a stranger for a roommate, having a public bathroom, not being able to make my schedule- I just blew up a week ago today. I cried by myself, hyperventilating and just full on panic attack on the guest bed. I couldn’t do it. The next day I broke down in front of my mom. She got of the phone about financial aid and I just crumbled I was a sobbing mess on the kitchen table and just let it all out for once and I told her what I was feeling. This morning it was brought up again. Tomorrow I was supposed to go for my orientation day but I just broke down again when my mom brought it up and then she broke down. I felt guilty honestly. I don’t want to disappoint my parents but I want to lead my life the way I want it to go. My dad came in and I just broke down a slobbering mess again and told them everything. He took it well and agreed that I shouldn’t rush into everything. I don’t know why I let things bottle up. I don’t know why I expect him to take everything badly when he’s so understanding and so is my mom. I love them so much I’m crying. They always support me and I’m so grateful for them I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much I love them so much. I don’t know what I’d do without my parents they’re my rock. I’m crying in the bathroom right now it’s 2:56am and I’m trying so hard to see to type.

Okay I’m trying to calm down. This is so raw. I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotions and this is the first time I’m really just letting myself express them and just cry?? Like not over a stupid tv show but actually cry about things happening in my life and letting my parents see and help me through my problems. I think this is good. I’m confused about my life right now and what decisions to make but I think my soul is trying to guide me in the right direction and I’m trying to be more free and trust in my gut and stand up for what I want to do. Honestly, at this point I don’t want to go to college at all. I’m in a mindset that I’ve never been in before where I just want to live a free-spirited, happy, lowkey, spiritual life. I don’t want money, or status, or a huge job or house or any of the material stuff that used to cloud my brain. I just want peace in my lifetime. I want to fill my soul with spiritual happiness. However I can’t just abandon my parents hopes completely. They’re already so fucking understanding of how I feel about letting me take off a year and figure things out. I guess I’ll at least give college a chance but I just want to go to community college or something. I don’t want a fancy life or wealth or whatever. I know they want what they think is best for me which is college and a good paying job and a husband and a white picket fence but that’s just not me. I know they only want the best I do. And I know they’re gonna think they’re failures if I turn out otherwise because my mom already blames herself and it is tearing me up inside that she thinks that but it’s not anything to be ashamed of for me to want something different than the herd of society and I just want them to see that. I want a simple life where I can just make enough to get by and be happy and comfortable with what I’m doing and travel the world and who knows if I’ll get a house or kids or even a spouse. I don’t know what the future holds for me. But I just want them to be happy for me and accept my decisions and lifestyle and not think that they’ve done a bad job as parents because of how I am. As much as I feel their support right now I feel pressured to be someone I don’t want to be at the same time.

I don’t know. I’ll probably continue that talk some other time when I father more thoughts but I feel overwhelmed again and my chest is tight and I just need to breathe. I’ll be okay. That’s enough of that.

Ok.

This is so fucking long lol but what do you expect for not writing for a year Carina? So to wrap things up: this year was insane. I probably missed a lot of stuff. I’m dealing with future plans right now. I really hope I can work things out with Laura, I talked to her a bit tonight and told her about what I just talked about so that’s progress I guess? I built a better relationship with my parents this year and it’s only growing stronger. I want to work on stuff with my brother too because I’ve been the worst sister to him and he doesn’t deserve that. I need to treat people in my life better and I’m working on that. I’m in a wild emotional state and I’m trying to calm down. I’m trying to get myself to read more so I can read spiritual books and educate myself. It’s just been so hard to read lately? I don’t know why. I want to surround myself with positivity from here on out. Quit bad habits. Be around positive people or at least positive voices. I just want to be happy for once. This can be my chance to turn myself around. I hope it works out.

#3:17am #mine #my zeniths #zenithjournal #zenith talks #journal #July 17 #July #2017 #senior #senior year #high school

[zenithjournal-blog]

8.30.16 / 7

It’s 6:58pm. Today was the second day of my senior year- woohoo. Right now I’m just chilling on the couch watching Koi’s videos before I start my homework. I’m really motivated to do well in school this year and making good notes and studying. I wish I’d felt like this since freshman year. I love learning the things that I want to learn about but I have to accept that there are going to be classes in school that I just have to get through and learn like I do with my preferred topics. 

However, unlike last year, I like pretty much most of my classes this year. I have Mr. D for English but I’m still hopeful that I’ll do well and excel in the class. I think I’m going to love Psychology as I expected, we just started learning today and I’m already interested. I’m probably going to get a head-start on the vocabulary tonight. I’m missing World History and Mr. W though, I loved that class. Latin is pretty cool, I’ve been looking forward to having Mr. D all summer and he’s just as good looking as last year. Mrs. A seems like she’s gonna be fucking awesome. I love Bio (shoutout to Mr. G I still miss you rip) and I’m excited for the class. She was talking about space and aliens today and I almost nutted from my love of astronomy. Then we have gym. With Mr. B. Of course I’d get him senior year. I’m still hoping I’ll be able to move into Mr. F’s class, I just can’t deal with the added anxiety of having Mr. B for gym- not to sound bratty. Lunch is annoying, the people I sit with for B are irritating and likewise, besides Laura, for the people we sit with in C. Ms. C seems really cool and chill. I’m pumped for Art 2 and I can’t wait to build my portfolio more. I still have to figure out what I’m doing for Art For All Seasons. I wonder when we have to hand in our work for scholastics... hm. Mrs. W for College Prep Math seems pretty nice, although my class is fucking annoying. I hate being sat in the middle of the room and I’m surrounded by distracting people once again in the class that I’m the weakest in and need to focus. My luck. But I’m going to try to stay on track this year and try my best even though I hate math. Hopefully I stay motivated throughout the year and try to meet and possibly exceed my sophomore grades.

Enough with school for now. I might buy Koi’s book because I actually have money on a debit card for once, but I might see if there’s something else I want to buy. I’ve been trying to astral project every night for the past week to no success. I always either fall asleep or fail, except for one night a few days ago. I was lying on the couch listening to a guided meditation and I wasn’t really following along with the audio because it moved to quickly but I was in a really relaxed state. My hands started to feel weightless and I was just focusing on staying still and calm and then I started to feel my hands and arms shaking/vibrating. That’s what’s supposed to happen when you’re progressing into the astral realm so I started to get really excited and I couldn’t control myself from smiling and my eyes moving and darting while they were closed. I think I was getting close to moving into the astral realm but I think I got too excited and the rest of my body wasn’t relaxed enough. Either way, the experience was cool and I accept it for what it was. I’ll eventually astral project when I’m ready and put enough time in and start meditating more. 

Well I’ve been writing for about a half hour, I should go now. If I think of anything else to add I’ll be back.

#zenith talks #zenithjournal #my zeniths #blog #school #journal #senior #senior year #change #mr. g #g #8.30.16 #agust #2016

[zenithjournal-blog]

8.14.16 / #6

It’s 6:05pm. I think I am starting to awaken and change lately. Through my research in youtube videos, I realized many things that I have experienced that I hadn’t picked up on before about myself and reality itself. I feel as though I am trapped in this short existence in my human body. There are so many things I want to experience in this lifetime that are not humanly or realistically possible and I find that incredibly frustrating. I want nothing more than to explore the universe and experience the changes that the Earth is currently going through. I’ve been realizing that I’ve always had rooted issues with feeling like I truly fit in here and while I have a few great friends in my life now like Timmy and of course Laura who I feel is on the same path I am right now, I still feel like I don’t truly belong here. It’s hard to explain. 

I’ve always had trouble understanding why society is the way it is- why they accept this boring reality, why people are so cruel and not accepting of concepts that are different from their own and all of the violence and stupidity. It’s always bothered me. I don’t have the mentality that I’m better than others but only that I’m not like them. Sometimes it feels lonely. I don’t want to fit in or conform to their reality but rather find people like-minded to me. I hate how short of a time I have here. I believe in reincarnations and past lives so I know that my soul will go on or whatever happens with that (I need to do more research on that) but I want to experience the future changes as me. 

I also feel like I am from a different planet and have always somewhat felt that but didn’t know how to put it into words and I think that has something to do with my fascination with space and why I don’t feel like I fit in. I watched videos on ‘starseeds’ and I think that I am one. Looking into the night sky I don’t feel afraid like some people do- presumably because of the vastness of the unknown. Rather, I see incredible possibilities that I couldn’t dream of and a sense of home. When I fantasize about floating and soaring through and exploring space I feel so fucking excited and energized and feel a deep longing to be up there surrounded by the stars. It’s so comforting to look at them and dream of what it’s like up there and what’s happening in other universes and realities... 

I’ve changed and grown so much in the past year and even just in the past few months. I’ve never been one of the teenagers who’ve been relationship-seeking, sex-obsessed, or party-thirsty but now I feel even more distant to those people. I’ve come into realizing my sexuality and not wanting to waste my time on people who don’t deserve my time more than ever. I’m careful about who I associate with but at the same time I’m open to meeting new people who are like-minded to me. I’m nervous for the future in this overwhelming time of college preparation but as scared as I am I’m also so fucking excited for what the future holds for me. I truly hope I’m satisfied with what I choose to do with my life and that I’m able to experience some things that I want to in this life. 

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[zenithjournal-blog]

8.14.16 / #5

Yeah, yeah. It’s 5:43pm. It’s been three months since my last post. I was busy with school ending and whatnot and I sort of forgot I had this account- oops. But I really had no excuse other than forgetting I had this tumblr to not post during the summer. I went to Cape May and it was awesome. I finished watching HIMYM and started Lost. I fell farrrr farrrr down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories towards the end of May. My interest in space has only grown since I was last on here and so has my interest in spirituality. I’ll go further into that in another entry though. I’ve been having trouble figuring out what I want to go to college for. I’ve gone back to considering something in the Art field but honestly I have no fucking clue. I’ve taken an interest in architecture and design again, maybe something in that sense will transpire. If only I had better knowledge of maths and science to be an astronaut/astronomy. I guess we’ll see in a few months looking back on this post what I’ve decided. I feel overwhelmed with this at the moment... 

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[zenithjournal-blog]

5.13.16 / #4

It’s 11:46am, just got out of school for a half-day- woohoo! I finally got to see Matt in gym and told him I loved his artwork and I was blushy as fuck. He’s such a sweetheart and has the best smile. Madison said she’s going to try and talk to him about me and hook us up so I’m starting to get butterflies. I usually don’t get crushes on people for school and she said he’ll probably like me (which I’m nervous about) so I’m just so AH! I really hope it works out... Other than that, not much happened today. I’m really in the mood to just draw and listen to music. I should get a bunch of paper and supplies from art to work on drawings during the summer... 

#zenithjournal #my zeniths #zenith talks #journal #blog #follow me #crushes #5.13.16 #4

[zenithjournal-blog]

5.11.16 / #3

It’s 7:02am and I’m exhausted. I spent thirteen hours working the art show, yeah thirteen. It was so worth it because everyone’s artwork was so beautiful and I got so many compliments but it was just… intense. My Yoongi portrait was fucking amazing and everyone went nuts over it I’m so proud of myself. One of my lowkey crushes didn’t go and I was really disappointed because I wanted to talk to him about how good his art was. But one of my other lowkey crushes was there and she kept telling me my work was amazing so needless to say I was satisfied.

I also dreamt about Mr. G again. I was standing in the cafeteria in a crowd and all of a sudden he came up behind me and called out my name, I was so happy. I jumped up to give him a hug and he held me so tight. I had my legs wrapped around his waist and he held me up and I told him how much I missed him and I kept asking him why he left but he kept brushing it off and saying he missed me and he was proud of me. Then his voice started fading and I was just looking at him and somehow deep down I realized ‘this is a dream, I could do whatever I want’. So I kissed him. and it felt so fucking real I never wanted to wake up. But of course I did.

I wish he never left. I miss him so much and lately it’s been bad. There are so many things I wanted to share with him from this year but I have no way of contacting him. I want him to see how much I’ve grown this year. I miss just talking to him about the simplest things but we’d both get so into it. I just miss him…

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[zenithjournal-blog]

5.10.16 / #2

IM TIRED. It’s 2:14am and I’m still awake. Tomorrow is the art show (technically today but fuck off) and I just spent hours working on the glow clouds. They better look good… School was annoying today like always. Everyone was talking about some stupid party that got busted by the cops and I was fed up with hearing about it. People are so stupid these days- why do they think it’s cool to have to run through the woods to escape the police?? How is that a good time for people. Ugh. I should sleep now. I’ve been listening to Atlas Hands by Benjamin Francis Leftwich a lot the last few days, it’s such a calming song. I finished my Yoongi portrait last night and it turned out really well, I'm very proud of myself- I can't wait to show it tomorrow Alright I’ll be up in 3 hours, goodnight.

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[zenithjournal-blog]

HELLO / 5.8.16 / #1

So it’s 1:33, May 8, 2016 as I’m writing this. The beginning of my first online journal. As a kid and throughout my teen years I never got into the whole “keep a journal! write in a diary!” thing that adults always pushed. Looking back on it now I regret not writing things down. I’m sure there were so many moments I would’ve liked to remember that I don’t because I didn’t record them. Even with pictures and video- I always hated being in front of the camera which has resonated with me to this day. I’m alright with taking pictures of myself, but when it comes to having someone else take the picture of me I can’t bear it. All those memories- gone. It hurts me to think that I won’t have as many memories to share and read to my future family because of that. But anyways... enough of the sad crap. Lately I’ve been following lot’s of study blogs and whatnot on here and have grown envious of all the beautiful notebooks and journals that people keep. However it’s my junior year in HS and quite frankly, I’m too lazy to go out and get a pretty notebook and supplies at the moment so I figured a blog on here will do fine. It’s time I stop putting things off! I procrastinate doing everything (truly, I am doing it right now) and I want to start changing that. So this is my first step. I don’t know if anyone else is reading this but I’ll add this regardless: I’m not totally sure how I’m going to go about this blog. I’m pretty sure I’ll keep it pretty anonymous on my part, maybe I’ll go by my initial or a pseudonym? Maybe Zenith? Meh I don’t know. I’ll probably end up changing the name of this blog because I’m indecisive as fuck. My posts may end up being messy as hell just because it’s me making them. I may occasionally go on rants because let’s be real, if you knew me I rant all the time. SO! Currently I’m supposed to be working on my Yoongi portrait and the glow clouds I’m making for the art show but instead I’m writing this and listening to Shane Dawson’s podcasts. I should probably get to that... BYE.

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