eternal hearts - hwang intak
pairing ☆ intak x f. reader
warnings ☆ !zombie apocalypse au, !death of parents, !borderline depression, !weapons, !zombie encounter, !sick member, !many mentions of death, !nightmares, !smut, !dry humping, !unprotected sex, !dirty talk, !semi praise,
word count ☆ 5k
a/n: i think this is all! lmk if i missed something. im super proud of this!!
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alone.
afriad.
these are daily feelings. the dread of knowing that you'll go to sleep alone and wake up alone.
that you'll probably never feel safe again, no matter how long you might live.
it has been two months since the outbreak.
you were at home while your parents were out grocery shopping.
you were so sucked into your text show, you didn't even notice your phone ringing at first.
but you were pulled back into reality when you picked it up.
it was your mom calling. you answered quickly, assuming that she wants to know if you have something in the kitchen or if she should buy it.
you remember the chills you got as you heard the screams of people around your mother. they still give you nightly nightmares, often waking up in a panic and a pile of sweat.
"what is happening mom? are you okay?" you panic and stand up quickly, getting ready to put your shoes on.
"y/n, do not leave the house. lock the doors, cover them with something, mattress, dressers, anything heavy." you hear her get out in one breathe, a warning that would stick with you.
"mom? what is happening?" you sobbed, fearing the worst.
"just know, your dad and i love you. i love you so so much and you're one of the greatest things that happened to me. which is why you have to keep fighting. for me" her voice cracked as she started to sob with you.
"mommy, please, tell me what is happeni-" you could barely get the words out as you cry.
before she could answer, the phone went slient.
your worst fear had came true at this moment. you were alone.
this was the first time you felt utterly alone but it wasn't the last.
this is the feeling that is currently washing over you as survey the empty cabinets of the house that you are currently living in.
you had to get out of your childhood home. too many memories haunt that place. it only made you feel more alone than you already do.
so after everything calmed down, you packed up your stuff, tooth brush, first aid, water, clothes, towels, anything you might need to live, and stuffed it into the car parked in your garage. driving a few towns over, you found a house primarily close to a supermarket.
a two story house with an abundance of food.
although you tried your best to ration, it wasn't enough.
after about two month, you needed more food.
you dreaded the day you had to exit a house again but it was unavoidable.
and today was the day.
it's a sunny day with a cool breeze. like a nice summer day, one where one might go to the beach or maybe a park.
as much as you wish you could do that, you can't.
the zombies on the street would turn into into a bloodbath with you. having a picnic with you.
you can only imagine the way they would eat you. would they start with your heart or brains?
these thoughts help to clear all thoughts and hopes of sunshine and picnics out of your head.
you remind yourself that you need food, unless you want to go out a lame way and starve to death.
you finally stop staring into the empty cabinets like something will appear and make your way to the living room.
your weapons are on display on the coffee table facing the boarded up window.
you look over the assortment of weapons. a machete, a hand gun, bat with nails, and a crowbar.
never in a million years did you think you'd have to own a gun. swearing that you wouldn't dare touch a gun.
but things have changed and now you own.
you pick up the hand gun and holster it on your waist, making sure it's secure but easy to grab if needed.
you grab the black backpack that is only carrying a bottle of water and swing it onto your back.
you double check to make sure you didn't miss anything that you might need, then you swifty pick up the machete.
you open the door quietly to peek your head out. and when you see it's all clear, you make your way to your car. hoping to load it up.
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you absolutly love your car. it was so silent, due to additions onto a car that make it quieter. you made sure to search it up before everything went offline. securing these parts in missions, working on your car in the garage at your old house.
it wasn't long until your car as silent as a mouse, starting up without a sound, stopping, and turning off without a sound. it was something that you were grateful to do.
you stop your car at the door of the supermarket. stick your head out the window to peek. once you saw it was all clear you exit the car, grabbing your machete from off the passenger seat
you silently enter the slight ajar sliding door. making sure to check your blind spots every second or so.
once you're in the store, you raise you cleaver up to keep your distance from anything that might pop up.
you quickly walk to the canned good isle and slide the bag off your back. you put your weapon down for one second to start packing away the food when you hear it.
it was too late, it was already so close to you. you slowly put down the bag before reaching over to the shelf to find the weapon you so desperately need right now. your eyes were kept on the undead body moving towards you.
you could only scold yourself for not looking around first. a rookie mistake that might cost you your life. in your head, you're beating yourself up. but outside, you are calm and confident. you won't let this take you out.
you observe the moving monster in front of you. it's clothes are all dirty and ripped. you can barely make out the color the shirt once was due to all the dirt and their jeans are shredded. to top that, it looks like it's decaying from he outside in. seeing their intestines draging along, makes you neary throw up.
you are still feeling around when you hit a can on the shelf. listening to it fall and roll, the zombie lunges at you.
the air in your lungs dissipates as you go into survival mood.
you turn your body to look for the weapon but instead you freeze. squeezing you eyes to brace for the bite that is coming. but it doesn't come. you grab the machete and turn around in one motion.
holding it to the stranger.
standing there is a boy and the zombie is on the ground. head a few feet away from its body.
approximately 5'11, with slighly bronze skin, brown eyes bright with life, chestnut brown hair, and a serious face.
his hands are both up in the air, as if he was surrending to police. sword still in one hand.
then in a low, husky voice, he speaks, "are you okay?"
he is quite literally ignoring the fact that you have a machete pointed at him.
"yes. who are you? is there more?" you rapidly spit out questions.
"yes, they're two here and three back at the house we sleeping in tonight.
"you aren't going to hurt me. i have weapons and i am not afraid to use them." you stand tall in an attempt to intimate him.
he smiles at you, "i wouldn't dream of it."
you were on the verge of responding when two boys walk into the isle.
they are laughing, "intak," one of the boys laughs out, nearly falling to the ground. meanwhile, the other one is holding back his laugh.
"they are idiots. we aren't gonna hurt you. we are just looking for a little food and medicine." intak tells you.
"yeah," the laughing one stops, "one of our youngest is sick. we can't lose him."
suddenly you remember the phone call. remembering and knowing the pain of losing someone.
you slowly put down your weapon.
"okay, well. let's make a deal. help me load this food into my car and i will help you find a drug store."
without hestation the boy that was holding back his laugh talks, "deal."
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you and the three boys climb into your car around the time the sun began to set. it was still light outside but you know it's gonna get dark fast.
"you said you were living around here?" you ask intak, who is sitting in the passenger seat.
"yeah, just ahead." he points at the house you've been staying in.
"no, that's where i've been staying," you look at him.
"well that makes sense. we saw weapons on the table and got confused. we assumed it was empty sine there was no sign of human life." one of the boys in the back seat explain.
"did you not go upstairs? my stuff is everywhere." you ask back in a what the fuck attitude.
"no, we just laid our little brother down and left to get food." intak shyly smiles.
"well, it's almost night now. so you guys can stay. but you have to help me move the groceries into the house." you try to give a smile back, remembering that they were only there to help their little brother.
"we will get them all," a boy from the back seat tells you, "intak, you should walk in with her so the boys don't get scared." he continues.
as you pull into the driveway, intak nods and you turn off the car.
you both exit the car. you give your keys to one of the guys, making sure to tell them to lock up. adding the fact that it won't make a noise and not to be worried about drawing attention.
you both slowly shut the car doors, trying not to make a sound that would awake the few zombies that are lingering around.
you both walk in long strides quickly and make it inside, leaving the other two boys to get the food.
when you enter your eyes quickly make their way to three boys in your living room.
one is laying flat on his back on the couch. barely moving, one is sitting next to him on the floor, and the other is sleeping on the floor near them.
intak leans in, "the sick one is jongseob, the one watching him is theo, and the one sleeping is soul. we have been taking turns watching him. in fear that he might stop breathing when sleeping."
you can feel the pain in his voice.
"and the boys in the car?" you question as you never got their name.
"the giggly one is keeho and the semi-quiet one is jiung." he whispers to me.
it's like on que when keeho and jiung come crashing into the door with food hung in bag on thier arms.
"did you lock my car?" you ask as keeho hands you the keys.
"i did. where do you want these?" he pants.
"kitchen table." you nod towards the dining room.
they both nod at you before heading there.
you go to check the locks on the door, making sure to move the large dresser infront of it.
intak follows and help you.
"i do this every night. just makes me feel safe." you shrug.
"i get it. it's like us watching jongseob. it makes us feel better."
"yeah, what happened with him?" you ask as you both walk to the living room.
"we think he might of contracted some type of bug but since it was left untreated, he just got worse. we are looking for antibiotics or something."
"hmm, i can check the medicine cabinet and my first aid kit. i haven't been sick or hurt so i have no idea what is there."
he just gives you a little nod. obviously, trying not to get his hopes up.
"come on." you pull him upstairs, feeling just a little more safe with hm than the other boys.
maybe that's because he saved you or because how vulnerable he is being. you couldn't tell. but there is something there.
you lead him to the bathroom where the both of you start look for anything that might help.
you are on the ground looking in the first aid kits you've acquired over the months while intak is rummaging through the medicine cabinet above the sink.
"how long have you been alone?" intak asks not taking his eye off of the medicine he found.
"if i tell you, do you promise not to murder me or let them murder me?" you chuckle.
"we didn't plan on it, um by the way, i still don't know your name."
"y/n. and i've been alone since the start. my parents were out grocerying shopping when everything happened. my mom called to warn me and now i'm here. how about you, how long have you guys been together?"
"well as you can tell, we aren't biolgical brothers. we all grew up together and were at keeho's playing video games when it went down."
he gives a small smile, but you could see right through it.
"what about your parents?"
"we have no idea. no one contacted us. we just stayed together. that is one reason we can't lose jongseob. we are all we have." intak explans, while looking at label after label of medicine bottles.
you nod your head even though you know he can't see it.
you wanted to know what it felt like. to have someone during this time. people to lean on and cry with.
feeling the tears, you put your head down. still looking through the first aid kit even through you know the only thing in there that might help is tylenol.
"i found some!" intak opens the bottle to find five pills.
you look up quickly and then back down.
"well now we have five days to find a pharmacy or drug store." your voice came out wobbly.
intak quickly put the pills in the bottle and drops to his knees in front of you.
"y/n? did i say something?" he pulls you head up to look worriedly into your eyes.
"no, no, it's just been so long since i've been around people. and hearing your story made me wish I had people around me." you wipe your tears.
"i can't imagine what you've been through, y/n. you are so strong and do no need anyone. but i'm sure we would stay if you wanted us to." he gives you a small smile.
"thank you intak. let's go eat and give jongseob these meds." you push to get up at the same time as him. bumping him back against the counter behind you two.
you push back in a hurry, a shock of warmth spreading through you, "i am so sorry."
"don't worry about it y/n." the way your name rolls off his tongue turns you into a blushing mess as you turn and exit the bathroom.
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when you got downstairs, the smell of spaghetti filled your nostrils.
you immediately question intak, forgetting all about what just happened.
"you guys can cook food? like warm food?" you ask with wide eyes.
"yes, keeho invested in this portable stove thing. i don't know how it works but it's truly a blessing."
as soon as he stops talking you decide to run down the stairs and to the smell.
you couldn't even remember the last time you had a hot meal.
you run around the corner into the kitchen to see keeho and soul.
"soul, please stop making minecraft noises,"
"psh," you try not to laugh but let out a small chuckle.
"oh hi, umm, what's your name?" keeho smiles.
before you could respond intak does, "y/n. also we found antibiotics for five days. we need jongseob to eat and soon."
"i can speak for myself," you roll your eyes, "also is it almost done?" you look at the spaghetti like you haven't eaten in years.
it might be canned spaghetti but it is warm and that's all that matters.
"almost. are you super hunger? we made sure to get a couple of easy snacks." keeho goes full mom mode on you, pointing to the cabinet next to you.
"no, i just haven't had a warm meal in months." you smile.
"well you're in for a treat then."
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that night you ate toasted bread and spaghetti. you ate so fast that you nearly threw up. they all watched you in amazement. after you were done you sat there on the living room floor with the rest of the guys. they all learned your name and keeho feed jongseob. they gave him his first antibiotic and planning to taking turns to keep him hydrated.
it was late when you all decided to call it a night. they all had designated shifts to watch jongseob each night. tonight it was keeho's and jiung's. so the rest of us went upstairs.
soul, theo, and intak all walked to your room, seeing it to be the biggest. you didn't mind.
"uh, guys, that is my room but i don't mind sleeping in a different room so you can sleep with each other." you tell them.
"are you sure?" theo asks.
"yeah, i don't mind." you smile at him.
you all enter your room and you show them around. there wasn't much to show but you also decided to show them your stash of water and things.
you took a couple things and headed to the bedroom next door.
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"mom." you cry out.
"mom?" you shout louder.
it's a black void that you are standing in. nothing for miles, and all you can do is call out. you want to see your mom again.
you spin and spin. still not seeing anything for miles. you run in a straight line for what feels like forever.
"mom! please mom! please come back." you fall to your knees, shaking and crying.
then you feel a slight shake.
you jump up in fear of your life.
"y/n?" intak says in the darkness of the room.
after realizing it's just him, you bawl. tears pouring out creating wet spots on your shirt.
that's when he pulls you into his arms. his strong arms holding you like you might slip away. like you might drown in your own tears.
"it's okay. i'm here. we are here." he whispers into your hair.
you latch onto him, wrapping your arms around him to pull him closer.
intak strokes your hair until the tears stop. you feel your eyes ge heavy and slump against him. falling into a peaceful, nonfearful, sleep.
you don't notice that intak is still holding you until he tries to move.
laying you down softly, intak moves to get up. but instead, you grab his arm and do the unthinkable.
"will you please sleep in here with me?" you mumble, half asleep.
"are you sure? i dont want t-"
"please intak." you beg.
he complies and slips in besides you. rubbing your hair as you cuddle into him.
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it was the early morning when you woke up. the sun was barely up. you felt more refreshed than ever.
you turn to see intak sneaking out of bed.
"oh i'm sorry. i didn't want the boys to wake up and see me gone." he smiles sweetly.
"it's okay." you smile back, "um this might sound weird but you smell really good. can i perhaps have your t-shirt. it helped me sleep. i am hoping to get a few more hours." you blush and look down at the white blankets around you.
"all you have to do is ask, y/n." intak smirks before pulling his shirt off with one hand.
you felt something you haven't in a long time, butterflies. not pure horniness, but actual butterflies.
sure you were horny at times but nothing would compare to the feel intak just gave you.
he hands you the shirt and you quickly change out of your shirt into his.
not caring if he saw your body. pure emotions (and horniness) are coursing through your body.
"i would say goodnight," he chuckles, "but it's morning now."
you sit there in his shirt, waiting for his next words.
"so i will say, sweet dreams y/n." he comes over and kisses your forehead.
you lay down as he exits. he turns to look at you as you repeat his words back to him.
"sweet dreams intak." you yawn.
he shuts the door and pick up the pillow he was laying on, cudding it as you fall asleep.
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it's been two weeks since you met the boys. and you can say that you already trust them with your whole heart.
you even let jiung and keeho take the car to find more medicine for jongseob. and after about a week and a half, jongseob began to look better. finally being able to sit up on his own and eat by himself.
they all still take turns looking after him despite his plee's that he is okay.
you have even started taking shifts. you take them with intak because being near him is the only way you can sleep.
he often sneaks into your room to help you sleep. cuddling you during the late hours of the night and sneaking back in the early morning.
besides that, you and intak have been getting super close. talking at all hours of the night and stealing sneaky glances (and touches) during the day.
he was a secret that you kept close to you. it was nice to finally have someone there for you. but also something that terrifies you.
because you knew, if you lost him, you would never be the same.
but all of those thoughts left your brain during one of the late night talks. where things strayed off into new territory.
"when was the last time you came y/n?" intak says, laying on his side, looking at you.
you stutter as you try to get out an answer.
in your brain you have two options.
you could lie to him and tell him that it has been awhile or you could tell the truth.
that you came all over your hand one morning after he left. smelling the pilliow he is currently laying on.
"come on y/n." he smirks, "i won't judge."
"umm, the other morning." you blush.
filling with embarrassment you turn to move.
you don't want him to see the red surfacing on your face.
beore you could move, he grabs ahold of you. with one arm, he pulls you close to him. you're face to face. and just as you thought he was going to kiss you, he pull you on top of him.
he is now laying on his back, looking up at you.
"woah, intak what are you doing?" you freak, it's been so long since you have had any action with a guy.
you don't know how to feel, but you do know that you don't want him to stop.
"you think i didn't hear those little moans? my name? you weren't exactly quiet."
you blush even harder and look up at the wall. wanting to look anywhere but the handsome boy under you.
"eyes down here y/n." he demands.
you comply and look down at him.
his eyes are hazy with lust and his dick throbbing under you.
you slowly grind over his hardening lenth. needing to get the release you all so need.
this causes intak to gasp in surprise.
you watch as his eyes roll to the back of his head when you start to speed up.
"fuck y/n. you're gonna drive me crazy." he looks up at you with dark eyes, causing you to shiver.
you use those words as fuel to keep going. rubbing your clothed cunt against hard shaft.
you feel the room become heavy as he reaches for the bottom of your shirt and helps you to pull it over your head.
he throws it off to the side, out of sight.
"holy shit, you're so pretty." he stares up at you, taking your left breast into his hand. rolling his index and thumb over your hardening bud.
you throw your head back at his touch. feeling the heat rush to your aching womanhood.
when he comes up and places his mouth on your nipple, you lose it.
pulling his face up, you kiss him feverishly.
teeth clashing as you forceful push your tongue into his mouth.
intak takes this time to move his hands to your hair, pulling lightly at the end.
the sounds of your mouth clashing and your tiny moans have you both wanting more.
but you're the one to break first, still grinding down onto him.
"fuck intak. can we please?" you beg.
"are you sure? i don't want you to regret this." intak looks at you with his big brown eyes. you know in that moment.
"i'm sure. I really like you intak. fuck i might even love you."
he flips you two. him staring down into your eyes.
"i think i might love you too y/n." he places sweet kisses onto your neck.
"please. please. fuck me." you whine.
"as you wish baby." he pulls down your pajama shorts and throws them across the room, next folllowing your panties.
you help him untie his pajama pants in a flash and pull off his boxers.
"well someone is needy." he chuckles before running his hand down to your wet heat, "damn y/n, you're so wet for me babe."
"intak, please." you can't take it anymore, reaching down to guide his dick into you.
"fuck," he slides in slowly as you wince at the feeling.
"you're so tight." he groans out as he slides deeper and deeper.
you claw at his back and wrap your legs around him, allowing him a different angle to go deeper.
"intak, intak, intak." you chant his name.
"shhh, we don't want to wake up the other guys." intak shushes you.
just then do you remember that through the thin wall are two guys you trust with your life. you don't want to wake them.
you give him slient nod as you bite your lip to keep the noises from falling out.
"i'm gonna speed up baby. can you be quiet?" intak leans down to whisper into your ear.
his husky voice causing goosebumps to rise on your skin.
you nod as you bite down harder on your lip, drawing blood.
intak speeds up slowly before placing his hand on your mouth.
pounding into you at a speed that has your eyes rolling to the back of your head and toes curling.
"you like that baby?" he spits.
you nod harshly.
"hmm, take it like the good girl you are." intak orders.
all you can do is moan into his hand as your body shakes with the pleasure he is giving you.
you never want it to stop.
when you feel the twitch of his cock, it sends you tumble over the edge.
sensing your orgasm, he removes his hand from your mouth to reach between you two, finding you clit in a hurry.
"intak, i'm coming. fuck. fuck." you mumble, coming out incoherent between the sounds of him fucking you into oblivion.
"come for me baby."
you come hard for the first in so long. nails dragging across his back, most likely leaving marks.
"mhm, you feel so good y/n," he takes a sharp breath in, "i'm getting so close."
he slows down a little bit. helping you to rideout your high. not wanting to overstimulate you.
you snap back into reality when intak questions you, "shit y/n," he growls, "i'm getting close. where do you want me to cum?"
you take a slight pause, formualting your thoughts while still being filled to the hilt.
"inside me please." you decide.
you didn't care if you get pregnant. you know he would be here throughout everything. you have your people and know they would help through everything.
"fuck y/n. you truly are perfect." he groans a he comes.
filling you to the brim as he spills his seed into you.
his cum overflows out of you and onto his cock.
he lets out a sexy moan before lightly collapsing on you.
"you're amazing y/n." he whispers.
"i'm so glad to have met you." you whisper back, eyes feeling heavy.
he notices your breath start to become shallow and pulls his softened lenth out of you.
the last thing you remember is the feeling of the soft cloth cleaning you off as you fall asleep.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
when you wake up, intak is still with you.
your eyes widen as you hear jiung through the door, "has anyone seen intak?"
you shot up and turn to the sleeping boy next to you.
you shake intak lightly and as he wakes up you lift a finger to your lips, signaling him to be quiet.
then, if things couldn't get worse, you hear a knock on your door.
"hey y/n, have you seen intak?" you hear keeho on the other side of the door.
you and intak look at each other with smiles on your faces. trying not to laugh you confess. it was a spilt decision but you know you want to be with intak. there is not point in hiding it.
"he's in here with me."
intak sits up with wide eyes as you tell keeho what you've been hiding.
he gives you a 'why would you say that' look before you hear keeho chuckle.
"i knew it!"
intak finally lets out the breath he has been holding since you told keeho the truth.
you let out a soft chuckle.
"well i made pancakes. they are downstairs when y'all are ready."
"okay thank you." intak calls back, presumably to let them know he is alive.
as keeho walks away you hear him tell someone, "i told you."
you let out a laugh which causes intak to laugh.
you lean in to him and give him a quick peck, before pulling back.
"let's get dressed and eat. i'm starving." you smile widely at him.
"let's go y/n."
and for the first time in a long time, you weren't alone.
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I spend three hours wandering around the estate looking for Goose. I've checked every front garden, every hedge and flower bed and under every car, looked inside bins and up trees by the time I'm forced to contend with the fact that I haven't confronted the railroad tracks yet. I don't. I never pluck up the courage.
I can’t fathom it, being the one to find him there, sweet Goose with his little kitten paws and soft pewter fur. This thought that I hadn’t even considered until Michelle spat it at me is tormenting me now as I forlornly wander the evening streets, calling out the name that I’m not even sure he knows to answer to yet.
I stumble upon Jen in a little park we used to drink in when we were fourteen. She’s been out looking too, evidently, but has had enough and is sitting on the ground gazing out over the last russet streaks of sunset over Dublin Bay.
“Have you given up?” I ask her. Her eyes are clouded with sadness
“I have a feeling he’s gone, Jude,” she says. I feel a lump forming in my throat. “He mightn’t be. He might come back, you know, cats are known to show up after being away for days, weeks, months even,” this is the sort of bargaining a person who refuses to accept the obvious truth gets too involved with, and the kind I’ve been doing with myself the whole afternoon, thinking that maybe if I imagine Goose’s return with enough conviction I will magic him home again, but Jen, for once does not match my idealism.
“He probably doesn’t know where his home is yet, he’s too new.”
“Yeah,” I shift some loose gravel with the toe of my shoe. “Jen, I feel so awful.”
“I know,” she says, and holds her arms out to me to pull me to the ground and wrap them around me, “It isn’t your fault, it could have happened to any of us.”
“I ruined the entire day with my stupidity.”
“Shh, stop,” gently fingers stroke my hair at the nape of my neck, “you just made a mistake, it’s human.”
“Did I ruin your date?”
She pauses, “It’s okay, I don’t think she realised it was a date, and it's probably for the best.”
The wind rustles through the trees around the park, and I feel chilled with the knowledge that change is coming. The school year is ending soon and now the future lies unavoidably ahead of me, a path completely untrodden.
“You’ll find someone else to take to the debs,” I tell Jen, peering at the side of her face as her short crop of chestnut hair is backlit by the sunset. “You should have been the first person to get a date anyway.”
She gives me a half smile, unconvinced, “there are like, four lesbians in our year including me.”
“Out lesbians,” I point out, “You never know.”
“When I go to college it will be better,” she says firmly, “school is just destined to be shit, romantically, I mean.”
“In all ways, I think.”
She just laughs.
“This stuff is bullshit anyway.”
“What is? Love?”
I rub my arms where goosebumps are rising with the cold. I should have worn a jumper. “Yeah, you’re not missing out on much.”
A silence follows, one that feels deliberate, but I venture into it anyway, “Michelle and I had a bad fight earlier.”
“I heard.”
“Us shouting?”
“Mm.”
“Sorry.” I wipe my nose which is running from the cold with the back of my arm. “It was terrible, we both said awful things.”
She just circles her hand on my knee in a vague gesture of comfort.
“Sometimes it feels like she’s trying to hurt me, you know what I mean? It’s like she has all of this bad stuff stored up that she wants to, like, unleash. It’s so vicious. It seems like she really wants to dig her nails in and leave a mark on me, and then I get so defensive, like, because talking it out doesn’t work, I have to shout, and I have to be horrible too so that she’ll even react to me.”
“We all say things we regret when we’re upset.”
“Yeah, but it’s so destructive. I come away from it all feeling like shit. Like, this isn't who I am, I’m not a person who fights. At least I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be up there saying these things to her, but I can’t stand there and let her say them to me either.”
“Yeah.”
“And I worry a lot about what things are going to look like after this year is over, like, with college and stuff,” even mentioning it makes my stomach feel tight, “like, um, how she wants us to live together and all.”
“And you’re nervous about that?”
I sigh, “Well, I don’t know, it makes sense to do it, right? She thought we could get a little place near NCAD, and we’ve been looking at houses online, and… I don’t know. The idea of being around her all of the time, like, twenty-four-seven, sharing a bed, eating every meal together, walking to college, it makes me feel claustrophobic, and then I worry that if I feel that way now, how am I going to feel when I’m actually doing it? Surely it’s not supposed to feel so terrible, right?” I prompt her when she doesn’t respond, “Jen? What do you think?”
She pauses for a long moment, toying with the aglets on the end of her boot laces. “I think that you’re asking me for an opinion I’m not prepared to give you.”
“...right.”
“We agreed, I agreed with you both that I’d never talk to one about the other. It’s not fair on me and I don’t want to feel stuck in the middle of it.”
“But-”
“You’re both nice people and I love you both so much, but when you are together you are absolutely horrible. That’s all I want to say.”
I don't know how to respond to that, so I don't, I just sit in bad feelings and wish for the millionth time that my brain was normal enough to make good choices on its own and not beg them from other people.
I sniff again, though this time I’m not sure if it’s just because of the cold. “So, um, the acceptance deadline for those other colleges is coming up.”
“The foreign ones?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you still going to turn them down?”
“I promised Michelle that I would.”
Jen’s shoulders slump, all of her does, like someone has let the air out of her, but she just says, “Alright.”
I feel the teeth of my genuine desperation for her opinion, her approval gnawing at me. I just want the sage words of advice she’s withholding from me, “Is it a mistake? Like, if I reject their offers? Would that be the stupidest thing I ever did?”
“I don’t know.”
“I worked hard, you know? I really put everything I had into those applications, I gave them the best that I had and they loved it, they said really nice things about me in the letters, and sometimes, like, I think I’ll die, or something, if I don’t leave Dublin. But then there’s Michelle,” I fist the front of my hair in my hand, “and the things at home, and I don’t know what the right thing is, whether it’s hurting myself or hurting everyone else…”
“Jude,” Jen suddenly grabs hold of my face and forces me to look into her eyes, “you have to do what feels right, okay? I’m not going to tell you what to do. Like, just… you need to fucking search within or whatever.”
“Uh huh. What does that entail?”
“I dunno!” She lets me go and stands up, brushing dirt from the back of her jeans, “C’mon, it’s cold, we should go home.”
“Uh, I was kind of hoping you’d be able to solve me, actually.”
“No, this time you can solve yourself. C’mon, up!” She presents her hand to me and I let her haul me onto my feet.
“Ugh, Jen,” I say, feeling myself sinking back into a melancholy hole again, but she links my arms and brusquely walks me toward the playground gates with all the pep of a middle aged Sunday morning power walker. “You know what? I think we could both do with something nice to make us feel better.”
“What do you mean ‘something nice’?
“Like, I dunno, an ice cream or something.”
“What time is it? It must be after nine.”
“Yeah, so? I was thinking of that place with all the weird flavours, do you remember that?”
“Yeah, but it’s all the way in town. Effort.”
“You can drive, can’t you?”
“You want me to drive? Jen I hate driving.”
“I think you’ll do it for me.”
“Why’d you think that?”
She eyes me sideways, “After what you put me through today, hm?”
“That's manipulation.”
“No, it's payback.”
“Fine. I’ll go get the car.”
“Really?”
“Yes! Come on, before I change my mind.”
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