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gogentleintothenight · 1 year

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vent; tw: suicidal thoughts, mentions of self harm, disordered eating (?)

Why must a blank page be so intimidating?

I hate everything that i write

How can I possibly be so useless– I can't even do something as simple as this.

Late work keeps piling up– why am I so incapable of fulfilling my tasks?

Why did I think that I was smart enough to be a rocket scientist? I’m not. I’m just deluding myself at this point.

Can’t even bring myself to do the simplest of physics homeworks– failing classes that aren’t even difficult

Now i can’t even write poetry when i want- i’m just ranting self-deprecating-ly into the void

My thoughts on the future?

Hah

I didn’t even think i'd make it this far

Being so close to nineteen is a strange feeling

I wasn’t even going to graduate from high school, yet here i am

Still

Thinking towards the future– i see none for myself

How could i?

I feel the same way i did when i decided that the night that performance would be my last

That was four years ago

Why am i still around?

We planned to visit the nightlife when we’re of age

Hah

The idea that i’d make it to twenty-one is laughable

I feel like i’ve experienced so little— because i have

I didn’t take most chances to do things when they presented themselves

Why would i bother?

There’s nothing for me anyway

Hearing others’ experiences leaves a bitter taste on my tongue

Repeated thoughts of “have i missed my only chance at that?”

“why am i so incapable of existing that none of those things ever crossed my mind?”

Even in relationships- i’ve never had one

I dont even know if i want to have one, at this rate

Id only make them worse

And that’s if there was someone compatible with me to begin with

I don’t understand romantic love— i don’t want it

I cannot tell the difference between what i’ve heard of it and platonic “love”

Do i love my friends in the first place?

Id be inclined to say no

That’s simply not how i understand relationships

For my old friends, ive known them my whole life, but really they’re only around for the nostalgia at this point

I wouldn’t dare trust them too deeply– they would bring my downfall

For the person they knew and cared for was not me

It was the desperate attempt of a child to be liked by their peers

And parents

Parents especially

It's easier to trust those who don't have such an investment

My roommates know more about me than any other person in the world

Was that my choice?

Maybe, maybe not

I suppose i was just careless enough to let the true extent of my mental state slip

Not that it would have been particularly easy to hide in the first place

My “ideal future”-- one where i’d be doing something impressive

Feels like a pipe dream

I can hardly manage to drag myself to class

How would i be able to hold a regular job?

The fog that envelops my mind often enough would ensure that

Why didn’t i go into linguistics instead?

It would have been pretty bad there too– especially during periods of severe memory loss

But it would be far easier than this

“The career options are dull at best– nonexistent at worst”

You say that as if i’ll graduate in the first place

My roommates say i’m likely bipolar—

That i should go to our school’s counseling

They’d just throw me into inpatient—

Something that i cannot afford

I cant even afford medication–

In fact, i’ve even stopped using my other prescriptions for the most part

In preparation for when my parents will no longer pay for them

Not only can i not afford inpatient monetarily,

This school would force me to take an extended leave of absence— one that i’d be hard-pressed to get reversed.

I’d effectively be expelled for my poor mental health

Not that school therapists would help anyway

They’d be about as helpful as a fortune cookie

I sort of wish i’d jumped from that hotel balcony like i’d warned my roommates i’d be tempted to do

That would be so much easier

I could see the stars from there

Here, i can't even harm myself how i’d like—

stitches cost more than my tuition

insurance won’t cover it

I have to be oh-so-careful not to cut too deep-

but that makes me feel like i’m useless even at hurting myself

I don’t feel like i deserve to eat

At the dining hall i take the bare minimum

Half the time i debate leaving as soon as i step in the door

But i don't— that would be a waste of time

The food makes me feel ill and my classmates eat more than their fill

but i still feel guilty when i have more than soup

The soup that is just salt and broth more often than not

I hate how inactive i have become

I used to dance so much, yet here i cannot

The gym is filled with athletes and i hate the mere thought of going in there

No one should pay me any mind if i did go,

but people here are weird and don’t act as expected

I can’t even decide if i want to gain weight or lose it

I'm already underweight and so weak that i hate myself for it

I want to be strong, i want to be able to do everything myself

but i also want to waste away into nothing

I can see my ribs through my chest

My collarbones and hip bones stand out starkly

I hate it i hate it i hate it

Everything hurts

My knees hurt

My back hurts

My ankles and shoulders hurt

I jest that i’m an eighty-year-old with arthritis

but it doesn’t take the edge off

It’s late, but i don't want to sleep

I never want it to be morning

#vent

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innocuous-gnome · 3 years

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i know this is a drop in the ocean at this point and its way too late but i wanted to share my thoughts anyway re the whole gaslight gatekeep girlboss thing

turning the term gaslight into a meme is uhhhh not great. as someone who has dealt with gaslighting my entire life from a parent and as a result has to ask other people to confirm my perceptions because i literally cant trust myself about anything, it really sucks to see a really genuinely serious thing turned into a haha funney meme.

we all saw what happened with the word 'triggered'. i cant use it anymore even when talking to my therapist because it makes me feel like im being overdramatic or stupid.

gaslighting is a form of abuse, full stop. it is not a joke, and making jokes about it is seriously devaluing it as a term and will make real survivors of gaslighting feel even worse about their experiences (the irony of turning the idea of gaslighting into a joke does not escape me).

this isnt just in reference to the gaslight gatekeep girlboss thing, btw. it has spawned so many jokes about gaslighting that most people dont even know the real definition of gaslighting.

(for anyone who doesnt know, gaslighting is a kind of emotional abuse wherein an abuser will constantly contradict their victim's perceived reality and claim that the victim is making things up or even experiencing hallucinations. it causes victims to be unable to trust their memories, their experiences, and their own feelings about anything.)

i didn't mean to get so serious about this but this is something that's really important to me and it really fucking hurts. please dont use important words with serious connotations as jokes in any circumstance. (this is not necessarily true for everyone; i have absolutely no right to say what victims of abuse get to joke about, but in general, if you haven't dealt with gaslighting, just... stop. please.)

tl;dr - please stop using gaslight as a joke, including using the phrase 'gaslight gatekeep girlboss'. it hurts victims of abuse and diminishes their experiences.

#abuse mention #abuse #gaslighting #gaslight gatekeep girlboss #idk this was really bothering me #i feel really strongly about this #sorry for getting really emotional #but this is important to me #joe speaks #please rb #i would love if this would stop but i know i dont have any control over what people say #joe rambles

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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3. I know i have to 'get out there' but it's hard when you've felt your whole life that nobody likes you. i literally only have one friend. i just feel really hopeless... i feel like im not meant for this kind of life, everything feels wrong and like im waiting for something's never gonna come, some kinda magic. i want of life of adventure and paint and write but instead i have to study because i'd feel like a loser w/o an education. i dont mind working i just dont want to study.

hey love, i'm really sorry to hear that. i think it's totally normal to be disappointed and even more so to be unsure about your future - it's not an indicator of failure, it's a natural part of growing up and finding your place in the world. i'm probably ignorant and don't know what it's like to actually be in your shoes, so i apologize if i come across as frustrating at some points. this is just my perspective. but i'm wondering if maybe taking more time away is an option for you? maybe working somewhere, focusing on your mental health for a while.... because the thing is your level of education has nothing to do with your worth as a person, and even more than that, there's no set time scale for this sort of thing. you could go back to college at 35, and it wouldn't matter. your life doesn't have to follow that stereotypical linear trajectory we're all forced to chase, in order for you to find happiness and success. and you don't have to justify your own personal choices to anyone, least of all to yourself. i just think it's important to try to focus on the factors of living that are in your control, that will bring you a sense of stability and peace. i know it's hard to let go of the internalised capitalistic idea of having to prove yourself through academia and getting a 'good job', but it's always useful to remind yourself of just how exploitative and made up that entire construct is. you're here and you're experiencing the world and with that you are fulfilling your point, you are doing enough. you are enough. everything else is background noise, that we're forced to muddle through, but background noise nonetheless. you don't need anyone's permission to prioritize your own needs and wants.

however, if you're dead set on studying this topic you don't like (which, i totally understand why you'd make that choice bc i know it's not that simple), then i reckon it's alright to just let yourself feel shitty for a while. any sadness, anger, disappointment, pain you feel about it is to be expected - and even though it fuckin sucks to have to carry it, its intensity definitely won't last. one way or another, you will adapt and so will your ability to cope. just don't use those emotions as an excuse to engage in self destructive behaviour, cause that'll only perpetuate the cycle and keep you in a dark place. having to force ourselves to do shit we hate is always going to feel like an everlasting burden we're never going to escape from, even if that's not the case in reality. and i had a lot of experience with that in school too - the main tactic i can remember making a difference, was like you said, finding little things to make the weight of it more bearable. i think that often starts first and foremost with our own mental health before anything else, because it controls the filter through which we see the world. if you don't like it in yourself you won't like it anywhere. when it comes to your social anxiety, are you receiving any support/would you be open to that? i think consistently seeing someone while you're in school - whether that's a counselor, a therapist, attending a support group or even just calling a hotline to begin with - could really help you manage the stress you're so afraid is waiting for you. having someone to talk to and learning why you are the way you are, and what tools could help you specifically in terms of coping mechanisms and finding a support network can honestly do wonders for your self esteem and the way you approach others. and of course it takes time, maybe that brand of self care is a lifelong process, but it's still important to engage with it. so balancing school with prioritizing your own wellbeing might be something that lightens the weight of the experience. anxiety tends to have us anticipating worst case scenarios and drawing on old insecurities to convince us we'll be alone and in pain forever, but what you've been through is truly not a mirror image of where you're going. making friends especially as an adult is fuckin hard, and struggling with it doesn't mean there's something irreparably wrong with you. just means it's hard to get to know ppl, but that's not a personal failing on your part. it's just a fact. most of them are too worried about their own 'flaws' to take note of yours. but that doesn't mean there aren't ppl out there you haven't met yet who will love you, even if that's hard to believe rn. also a side note, it could be a good idea to build up a routine where you're engaging in something that actively makes you happy at least a few times a week. can literally just be watching netflix, or taking up a hobby, meditating, going for a walk - i know college is v busy and it may not always be possible, but having small pockets of deliberate down time to look forward to is crucial. im not saying it'll cure everything or anything, just that it might make it all feel less overwhelming. but lastly, i want to say that it's ok if you give it a go and then decide you can't do it. that's an option, too. it doesn't have to be black and white. don't fault yourself for not wanting to spend 3 years doing something you hate, but also know that it's possible to get through it if it's a means to an end for you, especially if you seek the help you need. and whichever choice you go with, neither of them are 'wrong.' it's just your path.

anyway, i'm sorry this got super long. i think discussing it with someone you trust might be a good move, just to know that they have your back whether you work through uni or not. you're honestly doing so much better than you realize and i'm proud of you for continuing to try and strive despite how painful it all is. but i really hope that you can catch yourself when your brain is being unnecessarily unkind to you, and that you can then make the conscious choice to change the narrative and approach it from a place of patience and self appreciation. i think your life is still worth living even if it doesn't match up to where you think you should be, which is something i've been trying to accept lately too. that so much is beyond our control and we can literally only focus on the silver linings of the factors that are in our hands. that we can still be okay, living like that. and none of this is permanent, not the way it often seems like it is, but especially not the confusion. it just takes time to live the answers to all the existential questions you have. take it a day at a time. ANYWAY im rooting for you with all my heart and if you want to talk about this properly feel free to message me!! my overarching point is that you're not as alone as you feel. and you won't be in college, and you won't be if you look for work instead. so many of us understand where you're coming from. much love to you, take care 💗💗

#one day i will learn to stfu. not today tho❤️#long post #anon

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underthemoon-and-stars · 4 years

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Don’t Go... ( Bucky Barnes X Reader )

How was I inspired to write again idk but pwease🥺Take it🥺-Selenophile

Tuesdays. Tuesdays are the worst day of the work. Sure, you could argue it’s actual Mondays. The only two days of freedom are over with the arrival of Monday. But Mondays, the thing is, they’re expected. With the passing of Sunday you know it’s going to be the dreaded Monday. With Tuesdays though? Waking up on a Tuesday is so much more painful because you realize it IS a Tuesday. The week is no where close to done and from what Monday has done to you, you’re already mentally exhausted.

That was Y/N’s logic, at least.

It was a sunny Tuesday morning, though. The yellow ball of light crept into the room, warming Y/N’s semi-bare back. Cars ran through the Manhattan street and if you lived here long enough, you’d think it was a morning stroll. Business women and men dashed across the crosswalks even if the red hand was screaming at their impatience. Tourists crowded into muesums and iconic sights to get the best view they could. It was spring, but it wasn’t chilly. It was warm, very warm. 50°F levels of warm. If you’re not native to New York, it’s harder to understand. In a city that constantly ranges from 16-36°F, this was just a perfect day.

And Y/N would be stuck inside. She loved her job! She really did! But it was a Tuesday. Maybe she didn’t like Tuesdays because every Tuesday has been nice and she had been glaring at an artificial box of light, rather than the beautiful gift from space: the sunshine. Maybe paperwork from Monday caused her Tuesday exhaustion. She felt really bad for that one girl who came on a Tuesday. She explained everything that happened that week to her trusted therapist and god did Y/N start to doze. Not on purpose!

She just couldn’t work properly on Tuesday.

The Alarm buzzed. It was her favorite song signifying that it was 7:30. She rolled over with a heavy groan. Her finger aggressively tapped “stop” on her phone. Softly, she tried to slip out of the arms of her lover: Bucky Barnes.

Bucky had been an interesting case. Sam Wilson was a past patient. He had severe PTSD from loosing his best friend in a “training accident”- his own words. Sam liked Y/N, he really trusted her! Once he finsihed his sessions, he asked Y/N to start hanging out with him. She approved, she always liked Sam. As they hung out more and more, Sam invited her to the best party in New York City- the Avengers Gala. She went as his “date”. The long red sparky dress caught everyone’s eye. It seemed like everyone invited went up to Sam and asked SO MANY questions.

“Who is she, Sammy?”

“When did you meet her?”

“Wait That Cant be your old therapist? Shes pretty!”

No questions were directed at Y/N though. She kinda felt a little bored. No one was really taking to her. Sam was talking to everyone and she was just hanging out there. She decided to look around and then. Oh boy and then. Her eyes caught the most attractive blue eyes in her life. They pierced into her soul, stole the air into her lungs, completely stopped her heart. There was a lump in her throat, a knot in her stomach, her head completely full of thoughts.

He smirked and strolled over. Y/N felt her knees buckly, so she grab onto Sam’s arm tighter.

“Y/N, what’s wro- oh I see. Buckys on his way”

“Bucky?” She mumbled, and looked right back at him. His long brown hair was slicked back and rested in a low bun at the bottom of his neck. God-his neck was so kissable. The semi-short king was dressed to the nines: blue suit, black turtleneck, a chain dangling from his neck. He had no clue what that look was doing to her. Her eyes then darted down towards his gloved hands. Maybe he just had some dry skin or...something. He stopped within a foot of you. Sam was talking to someone to his right, so you just started into his beautiful oceanic orbs. You could feel your body shake slightly. He was so...so handsome. And oh god, this “Bucky” knew you were interested. Y/N already knew she was crushing real hard.

Finally, Sam caught on. “Oh! James, this is my good friend, Y/N. Y/N, meet James”

“Hey” He spoke with such a deep, sensual voice. Y/N would’ve collapsed to the floor if the man didn’t catch her before then.

“N-nice to meet you James...” She barely could shove the words out of her mouth. He pulled her close and leaned down.

“Bucky is just fine, doll” He purred into her ear. She crushed her legs together and completely fell into his well-defined chest. Y/N wanted to whimper, she was so weak. He knew it too.

“Can I borrow her, Sam?”

The fore mention man turned towards him “Be good to her”

With this new found freedom, she left one man who hasn’t really payed attention to her all night to the man who couldnt keep his eyes of her.

They danced. They drank. They talked and talked and talked. They even shared a small intimate moment with each other before Y/N had to confess her departure time approaching.

“You can’t have work tomorrow, it’s Tuesday. It’s Christmas Eve...” He mumbled into her neck, causing her whole body to spasm.

Maybe that’s why she hates Tuesdays. She had to leave Bucky for the first time on a Tuesday. And she had never been the same.

Anyway, long story short, they exchanged numbers and began dating in February. Valentines Day specifically. He showed up at her apartment with flowers and a blushy red face. They have been dating for 4 years since that day.

Since then, Bucky revieled his metal arm, got a new hair cut, and allowed his emotions to escape around Y/N. And Y/N has confided in him, got into shape due to Bucky’s hard core training, and finally felt what true love was.

Back to present day, she was so close to escaping Bucky’s large protective arms. As she gently slide out and away, she was immediatly brought back into his bare chest.

“Bucky, my love, I have to go!” Y/N pleaded as the soldier’s warm flesh and cool metal wrapped around her stomach.

“No you don’t you can stay here with me...” His lips danced on the back of her neck, causing a squirm and giggles to be realeased from his captive.

“Yes I do how am I gonna pay for this apartment hm?”

“I can pay for it... just stay home and cuddle with me”

Y/N turned around, rather reluctantly, and held her partners lightly scuffed, heavily sculpted jawline. Her soft pink lips pressed against his, taking in the chapped and ripped glory of his lips. Bucky planted his hands right on her hips, hoping to keep her in place. She was a fighter though, unhinging their lips once she had enough.

“Bucky let me goooo I have to gooooo”

“No!”

Y/N tazed her boyfriend, slipping away from his arms. She could hear his whines from the bathroom. This is every morning, she was used to it. Begging to come back to bed. Sometimes even picking her up and placing her back in the bad. Today she wasn’t prepared.

She finsihed up her makeup and looked out to check on her boy. He was sitting up on the bed, but there were tears in his eyes. Y/N took a gasp of shock. He turned to her, trying his best to smile through his tears

“D-Dont go doll...please” Her poor Bucky boy stuttered out. She couldn’t go now. He’s never responded this way.

Y/N slid into his lap, taking his hands. “My Love...talk to me...”

“I just...feel like we’re so busy I never see you anymore...You work Monday-Friday and I work Saturday Sunday. I just want a day to be with you...just one. That’s all I ask”

Y/N leaned forward and cuddled into his warm, muscular chest. Her soft hands reached up and wiped away the tears off his face. “Oh Bucky...I’m sorry”

He tucked his head into his girl’s neck. “I know how much we need he money...but I think at this point I can’t stand only seeing you for like 2 hours a week...”

“I’m sorry it’s so hard on you baby...”

He sniffled and nodded weakly. The way his head drooped was simple heartbreaking.

Y/N lifted up his perfect little chin. “I’ll stay home today. And then I promise you Bucky, I’m going to get a day off to be with you”

“Oh...oh thank you Y/N”

His body crashed on top of hers and they landed with a thud on their old, creaky, twin sized bed. Y/N’s hands found her way towards his hair. Even though it’s short, it’s still as soft as the day they started dating.

“Mmm you know how much I love that, Y/N”

“Of course angel, I’m here for you today”

Bucky looked up at her with those amazing blue orbs and smiled. His face perfectly slipped into the crook of her neck. That was his home for the rest of the day.

Maybe Y/N didn’t have to hate Tuesdays anymore. Maybe Tuesdays will be the best day of the week.

The day she gets to see her best friend, her lover,her angel, her Bucky Barnes.

Send all requests to the inbox!! 💌

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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Loud House Reviews: The Purrfect Gig

The Sam/Luna trilogy comes to an end here, as we get to the most recent of their now annual episodes, each so far produced and aired toward the end of the season. That being said like last season Sam had at least one apperance before this as I saw her in the thumbnail to “Deep Cuts”, the OTHER Lunacentric episode this season. And while it sounded bad to me at first looking into it.. no. The writers, for the most part, gave almost every kid two episodes a piece, and last season gave each 3, so to the writers credit they TRY to ballance out who gets episodes.

The exceptions are Lincoln, who has around 5 that don’t also feature the girls as a whole, and 2 of those are with Lana, Lori who has 4, 2 of them shared and justifed as she’s possibly leaving for College next season and thus her episodes outside of one focus ont hat, and Lana and Lola: Lana has 3, and Lola has 2, and both have one together. And really even with those imballances it’s really impressive the show juggles 14 leads, with the parents themselves getting 2 this year too, along with Clyde, not counting his ones with Lincoln. | And that’s WITH the baffling decision this season to have the first 5 episodes be “With THe Cassagrandes”, i.e. 5 episodes of the Casagrandes that are counted as loud house episode that weren’t produced over at the sister show for some reason. And I have nothing against the Cassagrandes, what i’ve seen it’s not a bad show: I already have gone on about how much I love bobby, and I also love CJ and new comer Sam. I love the fact it has plenty of representation and a diffrent kind of big family, I love the theme song and I love the fact Melissa Joan Heart is on it because she’s terrific and spent the last decade really not picking her roles well. She was the lead in Holiday in Handcuffs, aka the movie where she kidnaps Mario Lopez and holds him at gunpoint to pretend to be her fiance until he gets Stockholm syndrome for really flimsy reasons. But I dont’ feel i’ts fair to the show to wedge it into another show’s spot: The Cassagrande-Santiago clan has shown up in 2 half hour loud houses and 2 15 minute eps. The kids watching KNOW these characters, and reception of the loudest mission was positive enough to get a spinoff made. You don’t need to spend a huge amount of another show’s episode order to promote a show kids will likely watch because it has characters from a show that airs all the time and is uber popular and has a similar humor style, and fans of the Loud House will at least try becuase they like the mothership and have known was coming for years now. This show HAD an audience going in. I watched both American Dad and the Clevland Show because it was from the same crew as family guy which I liked at the time. Granted American Dad had a decent stretch and Clevland Show .. had David LYnch as a recurring cast member I guess? Seriously david, this and not gravity falls? The point is it feels insulting that they felt the need to try and promote the show more, and all they did was take up episodes of the loud house and confuse children, and possibly turn viewers off a show they would’ve watched anyways. And if your wondering why I took such a massive detour it’s simple: Other than noticing the fact they’ve been specifically making sure each sibling gets more than one spotlight episode, shared or not, and this dumb decision.. Season 4 isn’t THAT much diffrent than Season 3. It carries on plots started there (Lori heading towards college, Luann and Luna’s relationship), but otherwise it’s basically just more shipping and shenanigans. But really. .that’s far from a bad thing, as I consider season 3 a highwater mark for the show, and it introduced a lot of neat new elements (Lynn’s Table, Stella, Leni having a job) that are still prevelant in season 4. It’s not bad and it’s even more understandable given that next season, every character is growing a year (thank you press releases), meaning they have tons of new plots to explore, and large status quo shifts with Lincoln going to middle school, which out of the four schools shown is so far the most underdeveloped and will need development, and Lori possibly moving out of the house and going to college, among many other things that have me chomping at the bit for next season. But that’s probably a few months away so for now, it’s time to get back on focus and with everything else out of the way, the actual review of this episode starts under the cut.

We open with Luna sitting in bed sighing when her poster of Mick Swagger starts talking to her. Whatever she’s smoking I could really use some. Depression is a bitch. Anyways, her drug induced hallucination of her hero starts talking to her. I haven’t really talked about Mick yet since the show uses him sporadically but he’s exactly what you’d expect; The show’s version of Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger, only slightly younger.. maybe. I dunno. Maybe he’s been around since the 60′s and is just a timelord. Or a groovy robot. Or has a dorian grey thing going on. We haven’t really gotten into Dino Spimoni situation yet where Luna helps her idol and has to help him reunite with a partner or convince him to stop faking his death. Just a reminder that Hey Arnold is great and that if you think it’s odd his crooner dean martin based idol got talked out of faking his death by a 12 year old, keep in mind he also tracked down the daughter his vitamise neighbor gave up so she could go to america and have a better life, helped convince his neighbors not divorce, and had to save his pig from being eaten in a revolutionary war reinactment. Hey Arnold was far weirder than I remembered and i’m here for it. Anyways, Hallucination Mick asks if Luna is coming to his concert this weekend, and she HOPES so she just dosen’t have the money for VIP pass to meet the actual version and do drugs with the actual mick swagger for a change. He says you never know when opportunity will come a knockin and it does in the form of the McBrides! Clyde’s dad’s Howard, the skinny one voiced by national treasure Micheal McDonald and Wayne Brady whose also great.. and i’m not just saying that because i’ve seen this. Don’t be absurddddd....

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Howard and Harold are Clyde’s dads... and while Clarence and Steven Universe beat them to having Gay parents in a children’s cartoon, their still the first interacial gay couple in a children’s cartoon, and on a nicktoon period, and even if they weren’t either of those it’d still be fucking great. Anyways the two are nice characters, while i haven’t seen EVERY ep with them their a loving couple, nice parents, and treat the loud kids as their own.. granted that goes too far in one episode, but still, thems good people. Anyway Howards having a panic attack, respect, and as his husband calms him down, we find out why: the mcbrides are going to pick up nana for the annual family reunion, and their catsitter cancled. Hence Howard’s freakout and Harold worrying about the 20 pounds of amish potato salad in the trunk. So naturally their hoping someone can watch their cats, Cleopawtra and Nefurtiti for the day, and them going to the louds makes sense, both for the obvious of the Louds being their closest friends in the neighborhood, and the not so obvious of a previous episode I haven’t seen having established the older kids as the best babysitters in royal woods, meaning that in addition to knowing them they have skill and this likely isn’t the first time. Luna, not thinking about herself, admits Lori went to hit the golf course early and Leni is at work, a nice way to explaning why it’s Luna that gets the job: She was there and it was implied by the fact she was getting high and talking to her hallucination that Luann isn’t, so most of the other options they’d have without some reservations are gone with no contrivance necessary. Anyways Luna’s Drug Fueld hallucination, points out money can be exchanged for goods and services, such as VIP passes, and also mentions sam already has hers. Either Luna’s forgot or her hallucination can use her phone. Either is probable, and is backed up by Hallucination Sam, before both start playing their guitars and Luna air guitars with them. I”m unsuprsied by all of this. She offers and the McBrides take her up on it immeditley. I do like that it avoids the “I don’t know if your up to this” cliche that always happens in these types of scenarios, the McBrides have no reason not to trust her, so they just.. do. Hell Harold only sets out one rule: don’t invite anyone over.. and it’s not even because he dosen’t trust Luna to have anyone over or anything like that, he just knows the cats get anxious with a crowd, though their therapist is working with them on that. And of course the two rich men with a single child have a cat therapist. I would too if I were rich. Harold and Clyde throw and unconcious Howard into the car and their off, they’ll be back at 6. And TOTALLY won’t be home hours early for hyjinks. Totally. Luna arrives to find a massive binder on feline care. Someone went to the Amy Santiago school of binders. It says to feed the cats at 10 sharp.. and it’s 10:02. Luna tries feeding them but the cats instead attack her in a full on psycotic rage and dump food all over her, so dinners on her.

Anyways, Luna then tries walking the cats which goes as well as you’d expect.. not because she had to put harneses on cats and expect them to do anything at a certain time, but because they pull hard. I can relate to that with my dog.. not my cat. He just goes wherever he wants because he’s old and kind of an asshole. Anyways, with the cats now messy from running over a guy with a cake, because of course, Luna looks up what to do next which is.. give.. them a bath.

Who.. who does that. I know their messy, but use a rag or something. No animal likes being bathed but cats, esepcially one who this episodes shows aren’t declawed (And rightfully so but still), do not LIKE being bathed. Granted they wouldn’t like being cleaned off with a rag or something either, but it still feels less cruel to both them and any prospective babysitter to just hold one down and wipe it off then find the other and repeat. Look witht he walking thing I can see why someone would, in their case because their probably too skittish to let their cats wonder around, and in some cases because said cat is young. But this.. this even for a comedy contrivance is stupid. It’s not the worst uninetional cat abuse i’ve seen in media, Elmyra exists and the mother of the lead of get fuzzy tried putting her cat on a vegetarian diet, which Rob, said lead and a staunch vegetarian himself, not only found concerning but gave said cat the money for takeout.. keep in mind in this strip cats can talk and walk upright. Also I miss when Get Fuzzy was both daily and good. So Luna naturally ends up in the bathtub, soaked and depressed and not sure what to do when her friendly neighborhood sign that the drugs haven’t worn off yet comes by and tells her to shape up if she wants to go to the show with Sam. This gives Luna a great idea. LIke a Zack MOrris great idea it involves breaking the rules.. unlike a Zack Morris idea, it dosen’t involve sexual harassment or a zany scheme. She decides to call Sam, since she’s apparently great with cats and given we saw how she was with chickens last time, not a real stretch. She also pops Mick’s bubble which.. hurts him.. somehow. I dunno. Anyway cut to Sam arriving. She arrived fast because she was picking a new character up from his gamer’s club meeting: Her brother Simon, who’d been mentioned in side materials but makes his first apperance here. I like him, he has a neat design and i’ts nice to give sam a family life of her own, and he’s a nice if glued to his not-nintendo switch kid. Frankly I hope he and LIncoln meet at some point. I mean he has an opening in his friend group starting next season there’s no way Rusty passes 5th grade. And even if he somehow does, it’s not like adding another member is too much of a stretch given, once they got past courting her, the rest of his group warmly welcomed stella in and it’d be an intresting dynamic having his sister’s girlfriend’s brother in the group. Also if your wondering if i’ll ever stop finding ways to bash rusty in these reviews even when he’s entirely absent..

Anyways, Luna slams the door in the kids face, which he takes in stride , and explains the situation, and after fred fliintstonning him is taken off the table, go with “Sneak him past the cats”. It works because cats never look up at the backs of a gay teenage couple sneaking a small child inside. Luna decides to leave Simon in the entertainment room while she and Sam watch the cats and he finds Clyde’s VR gear and asks to try it on, with Luna reluctantly agreeing as long as he’s careful.. which as far as we see.. yeah he entirely is. The Sharpe’s are good people.

Cue a montage! Sam helps luna scrub the cats, with brushes as they should’ve done minute one, put them through spa type pampering which is also a call back to the first time we saw the McBride’s house in the series, take selfies, and then sing the cats to sleep, in a really sweet and really well sung lullaby, notable for being the first time Sam’s sung on the show and Allyson Stoner, who I haven’t mentioned but should’ve before this shame on me, does a terrific job and has done a terrific job as Sam in general. Luna thianks her for the help, Sam says no sweat they get to see the show together, and Sam ducks out... before realizing she forgot something. Her wallet... no wait she has that.. OH SHIT HER BROTHER. And before she can get him DOUBLE OH SHIT THE MCBRIDES ARE BACK. Harold is grumbling about the potato salad... apparenlty Aunt Brenda brought some and wasn’t supposed to. I do like how both McBride dads have their own quirks:While Harold IS the more rational one, he can slip up just like anyone can. Luna prepares to leave.. only to realize oh shit her girlfriend’s brothers in the house still. Her not all complex scheme! She fakes having left something behind to get him out, and once sam calls comes up with a plan: Sneak Simon around back. Sam sneaks around with the bush she ducked into, and we get one of my faviorite tropes: A scooby doo doors sequence! Also the dads speak in unison. Dawww. We also get an adorable bit of Sam gesturing for Luna to hand her the boy. I couldn’t find a gif of it sadly, and I would’ve credited it, but I did find 50 tons of creepy Sam X LIncoln fanart. Just.. why. Why exactly. Why do you do this to me tumblr. And to be clear I have ZERO issue with shipping a character whose sexuality isn’t fully confirmed as just gay in canon with a male character, Bi and Pan representation is important. It’s why I get annoyed at the people who throw a hissy fit any time Della Duck is shipped with Launchpad. Here though I do because it feels like this ship is ENTIRELY a troll, especially since LIncoln has 80 other options, not at all including the icky incest ones, and that I cut and dry have every problem with, and is being done soley to annoy people who ship sam and Luna and are finally enjoying some gay/bi representation on children’s television. If this is a troll then kindly

Thank you John. So anyways Sam does grab the boy and nearly gets him out the door.. only for the mcbrides to run into their bisexual catsitter shoving a small chubby child out their kitchen window only to have a lesbian fall out into their kitchen. Naturally Howard faints again and Harold is displeased... probably because his husband fainted again.. and you know the shenangians in his kitchen. The only time shenanigans are allowed in that kitchen are when Clyde is sleeping at a friends house for the night and only on the table dammit. They got reinforced oak for a reason. We cut to the boys playing, which is a nice touch: Clyde being a nice kid dosen’t mind sharing, Simon has similar intrests, and the only time we’ve seen him be eh on sharing is letting Lincoln borrow his new console.. and he not only felt BAD for not wanting him to borrow it and having to try and get it back, but he only did so because the Loud house is insanley chaotic and understandbly he wasn’t sure it’d get back to him safetly. His dad’s rasied him well, he’s a good boy once he got past his ‘Stalking his friends older sister” phase and got into his “anything besides that “ phase. Luna comes clean to the McBrides and.. Harold appricates the honesty. And both are impressed with how well they took them, with Sam and Luna giving each other credit. So instead of getting upset, especially since Luna was both honest and only called in Sam for help and Simon was an unexpected guest and they both did a fantastic job, they offer to split the money instead. Sam, in a really sweet gesture, then gives Luna her half with no hesitation or prompting from her girlfriend, Luna gives her a cheek smooch and they hug. Then Luna acciently wakes the cats, and we end on the girls singing the cats, Simon and the McBrides all to sleep. Also Luna’s hallucination is alsleep.. those drugs wore off hours ago after all. Final Thoughts: A really fantastic setup. Once again the show shows it’s slowly gained talent for taking stock plots (in this case a babysitting episode) and making them actually intresting, mostly by having the characters behave reasonably. While it didn’t really expand Sam’s character, it didn’t really need to , the previous ep with her having fleshed her out as a sweet, kind girl with a talent for animals, and Simon is a wonderful addition to the series massive cast of side characters that , unlike some additions , will hopefully show up again. Seriously half the reason I bitch about Rusty is that the show is great at making charcters, and improving them after a few bumpy episodes as seen with Clyde, Lori and Luann, but yet still uses him and dosen’t make him any funnier, while I can name handfuls of characters who either need more apperances (Girl Jordan) Or haven’t shown up again at all (Carol Pingery, Rocky, Maggie). And that’s not even all of them obviously, but my point stands. But given he’s the brother of one of the main characters girlfriend and would fit in with the main character well, I have a feeling we’ll see simon again at some point. I also really liked seeing the McBrides, mostly because I haven’t seen many of their episodes, and found them to be delightful, helped by having wonderful va’s behind them as standard for the show and great chemsitry and it was a nice bonus to have the shows two main gay couples interact, without it feeling at all forced, and neither did Sam’s inclusion. And while we haven’t gotten a full on kiss with Sam and Luna, which really they should, CN beat them again on that, the cheek kiss and hug was still very sweet, as is the episode really. It’s funny, heartwarming, and really enjoyable. While itd osen’t have as much emotional weight as the last two eps, I like that it didn’t: For once the conflict was low key but understandable and now Sam and Luna are a full couple, they can just do cute couple shit and get into wacky shenanigans like any other couple on this show without any angst attached. It’s really nice. It also shows that no, a couple being together isn’t boring fuck off will they or won’t they, but i’ve ranted enough about stuff unrelated to this episode. I really liked it and hope to come back to these two someday. For now as I sign off Pride Month is far from over... as next up I have multiple things planned, but one of the biggest is a FIVE PART series on Red Action and Enid from OK KO. Yes FIVE. All 3 of their romantic eps, and Red’s first two for proper context both for the finale, which uses both episodes as part of the plot, and for a proper view of her character arc and to ease readers into the series better. So be there for that, and a donald duck birthday celebration, and until then, later days!

#Sam Sharp #Luna Loud #Saluna #the loud house #howard mcbride #harold mcbride #clide mcbride #simon sharp #the purrfect gig #pride month #lbgtq

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figuringouthowtobehere · 3 years

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please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

#childhood abuse tw #tw #tw alone in the world #suicide tw #please dont reblog this #no rb #homelessness tw

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lunar-bird · 3 years

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okay when i made this blog i was never gonna talk in depth about personal details but it's my personal blog and i need to fuckin vent

tw suicide mention , vague reference to sy//sc//ou//rse the suicide bit is mentioned (past tense, vague) but not a present risk, if this shows up in that second tag i'm gonna lose my goddamn mind, so help me. don't bring it to this post i do not care. i warn about it because i hate it.

so i was never Going to share this information, but it's context. im a system member of... questionable origins. there was some element of "imaginary friend becomes real" in the story of my life, but we've also been realizing that i just happened to pop in at, inarguably, the most traumatic point in our life, so it's just. whatever.

i don't CARE, except that we've been discussing finding a new therapist and also how, exactly, we're supposed to talk about me. we don't have a diagnosis because our previous one supported us in our "actually this is not causing me distress so i don't want it pathologized" mindset (and we still don't necessarily want to pursue one, for various personal reasons) but if we're gonna get a therapist im gonna fuckin talk to them as myself because i have problems that need solving, too. so it's been something to think about. don't know the chances of finding someone who's gonna be cool about it, never tried. it's stressing me out.

i spent half my fucking life being told "you exist whether or not people believe you're real and regardless of where you came from" and the other half being told "you can't be real because you don't fit x y or z criteria" and i'm so. done with it. i don't care anymore WHY or HOW i exist because, unfortunately, i do!! trust me, we've tried to just believe me out of existence, tried to just be like "okay, i've served my purpose, i can fuck off" but i'm stuck here! would give literally anything to get out of this head and be a Real Boy but here we are. this blog was originally a chance to let me try: just one space where i'm me and only me and implied to actually exist outside of my stupid head.

nothing against max, he's my best fucking friend, but i don't know if we would even like each other if i wasn't stuck with him. i mean, we would -- it's not to say that we don't genuinely care about each other -- but i just don't think we would have ever met. and i think i'm too much like people he hates now anyway, cause i went and absorbed their traits while we were still friends with them. i don't know. i'm mad that i don't get the chance to find out, though. i'm not kidding when i say i'd give anything i have to exist separately, but instead i'm stuck here and i have to make do with just... sometimes interacting with people who are friends with him first and me because they're trustworthy enough to know about me.

i can't go out and meet new people, i don't get to decide what kind of people i would be friends with if i had the chance, i don't get to decide what kind of community i would build on my own. i don't want to spend my whole life this closely connected to anyone. i want some form of independence. instead i spend my whole life thinking "if someone knows the truth of me, will they automatically dismiss me as fake or fucked up?" really gets in the way of my personal relationships.

thus, therapist.

i'm also terrified that whoever we talk to is going to suck. i'm obviously going to try to present the facts of my life as truthfully as possible, but i'm afraid that anyone with experience in these things is going to try to diagnose me with something i don't want to be diagnosed with. or that i'll be dismissed as a symptom of max's psychosis, regardless of the fact that i exist even when max is medicated and doing well. or that max's life will be prioritized over mine, even if i get the courage to speak for myself and we're both willing to make changes so that i can actually live. it takes a lot to actually be honest with what my life is and how i feel about it, and the risk that i'll be told im a problem to be medicated against.

i know max is lookin out for the same things i am, and i know he actually cares and wants to help me actually enjoy my life. we both know i'm here to stay, and not just because max still needs someone to talk him into living. we're about as healthy as we've ever been, plus or minus a few symptoms, and quarantine has given me a lot of time to think and i know we both want to actually make my life worthwhile for me if i'm stuck with it. it's just a matter of. how. we need outside advice for that.

i've tried to get my own hobbies, i've tried to make my own spaces on the internet where only i exist, i've tried to make my own friends, but i'm just shit at it. i don't know where to start. i have interests that max does not have, but generally if we do things we do them together. our shared interests are great! lately we've been reading together, and sometimes we watch movies! i just wish i also got to do things on my own. people weren't made to be with other people 100% of the time. now neither of us gets to be alone in our heads for even a second. max has a paranoia that he's constantly being watched and judged and i don't exactly help, considering i see everything he ever does. i want literally nothing in the world more than to be alone sometimes, but, (gestures at all of me). i figure if a professional can't help, nobody can.

here at the end i just want to add a disclaimer that like... i don't hate my life. i care very deeply for all the friends i do have, and especially the ones who interact with me intentionally. i had one person the other day ask max specifically about how i was doing, without just assuming that i'm always watching in the background and where it wasn't even necessary that i be mentioned, and i've never appreciated anything more than the implication that i exist to other people when i'm not there. i just want a chance to make all of the stuff i'm stuck with actually work for me, in a way that makes me happy i exist.

i dont know how to do it, and i started out frustrated about it but now i'm just tired. i would like help. we just have to find someone who i can trust and who i'm not afraid of and maybe i can finally make some goddamn progress for once.

#a thought #i told max 'i'm going to fucking swear in this and you cannot censor me' and then i did #count that a win and know that in my normal life im cursing up a storm cause im ANGY #(picture of a very small bird with very large angry eyebrows)#getting this out helped me a lot and i'm gonna save it for future therapy reference lmao #like this if you read it but if you have something to say to me about it say it privately please. stay out of my notes #i have discord and tumblr has its terrible little messaging thing #if you happen to HAVE advice i am open to it. especially if u have experience with this sort of thing #the therapy search or the other thing #also if you've ever in your life acknowledged me... thanks lmao. means a lot.

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freebooter4ever · 4 years

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my dad group texted my brother and i, highly unusual, and i think jordan was weirded out too cause his response was equally short and confused. on the list of things my little brother and i have never discussed, our dad’s relative interest or lack there of in our lives is pretty high. dad’s been messaging me since october, asking about stuff like where my next living plans are (which he has never done since i first moved out age eighteen), and i’ve only been vaguely responding to the point blank questions cause its just. so. weird. i think my grandpa’s death has shaken dad’s worldview a bit more than he’s been letting on.

he alienated my brother and i pretty much immediately after his secretive marriage to the bottle blonde rich bitch when i was 22. he kicked my brother out as soon as jordan turned 18, and when i discovered this by coming home one summer and seeing jordan wasnt in the house, i got so fucking mad that it was the first time i ever had a full out screaming match at my dad. and apparently this display of anger was when rich bitch decided she didn’t like me (probably valid, but also ironic because pretty much from birth it was known in my entire extended family that dad and i were almost identical personality wise, and both of us have tempers where we will not get mad at anything but frustration will build up and up until on the rare blue moon it boils over, and oh boy. watch out. those moments were the only times i was ever scared of my dad as a kid and i think it only happened twice in my entire life)(if she thinks im crazy when im angry, she should see my dad)

but i was crazy mad because while i was lucky enough to be put in therapy due to attempting to starve myself into non existence at age 13 (many many sessions of ‘family’ therapy with me in the center of a long couch silently trying to pretend i was invisible and my mom two feet away at one end and dad on the opposite end of the couch, and my mom doing all the talking, ranting and raving about how im starving myself to punish her. and then the therapist kicking both my parents out and trying to convince me to say a few words, and her finally getting me to realize that how my mom treated me was not normal and not something i needed to put up with if it made me sad and scared, and then the therapist realizing that i was still too sad and scared to confront it, and her and i coming up with a compromise where we would tell my mom that i was just ‘really attached’ to dad’s house and it wasnt that i was terrified of living with my mom or liked my dad better, it was that i just really liked living in one place instead of out of a suitcase and moving every week), and so had both the therapist and my dad supporting me when at fourteen i finally said enough was enough and demanded that my dad get full custody so i didnt have to spend every other week with my abusive mother anymore - while i got out of that situation, my brother didnt. i tried, he knew that it was my decision to live full time with dad and i made it clear he could do the same, but just as it was a given that i was identical to dad’s personality, my brother was identical to mom’s so i think he was more attached to her than i was. either way, he always refused and insisted on continuing to live between both of them. after i hit driving age, my dad transferred responsibility to me for shuttling my brother to and from my dad’s house to my mom’s apartment. dad’d lock himself in his room, or go to the gym, and i’d turn on an endless rotation of star wars movies for jordan and i to watch before i had to take him to his next week’s place (phantom menace was our favorite cause darth maul was just cool ok, dont judge).

anyway, the last day i ever stayed at my moms house, my brother was there. and i must have been twenty or twenty one because he would have only been around seventeen. but even at seventeen he was well over six foot five cause he got all the height in the family which was totally not fair but thats besides the point. so while i was there my mom flew into one of her alcohol induced rages, and took it all out on my brother. i had intellectually figured that all the anger my mom used to take out on me had then transferred to my brother once i stopped living there every other week, but up until that point i hadn’t actually seen it. she started shoving him, and punching him, and not enough so it would hurt much, because as i said he was well over six feet and she was barely five six, so he could pretty well block any thing she dished out. but he was cornered, and he looked scared. and i was hiding useless on the stairwell, crying, and begging mom to stop. and it only stopped cause jordan managed to slip out the front door and once he escaped mom went back into the kitchen, still yelling and angry. and i took the chance to grab my school bag and leave in solidarity. and my brother and i stood there awkwardly on the porch, me still crying, and him smoking and trying to look cool and not like he just got chased out of the apartment by a woman half his size. and i promised him we wouldnt go back until she calmed down, and that she was being unreasonable and he didnt deserve any of it, and id figure out somewhere to go. and we started walking down the sidewalk, but not together because we were never that close. he wandered off somewhere to smoke. and that’s as far as i remember.

this day came up in conversation with my grandma in the months after grandpa’s death, during one of our many three am can’t sleep conversations in grandma’s kitchen (grandma would wake up, i’d hear her get out of bed and wake up too. she’d make herself tea and eat some graham crackers and we’d sit together at the table feeling the third empty chair like an ache). grandma brought it up, because apparently, even though i cant remember this at all, i had my no/kia brick phone in my school bag (a minor miracle because i hated carrying around cell phones for the longest time), and i actually called grandma. and grandpa and her came to pick me up, and they found me sitting on a wall a block away from my mom’s apartment, and then we drove around till we found jordan, and then we all went back to my grandparent’s house. after bringing this up, grandma then, completely unprompted, told me something that child me thought about regularly - she said that even though her mom died when she was 8, leaving her to help raise her two younger siblings, grandma thought in some ways it was easier than what my brother and i went through with the divorce and my mom leaving. i used to regularly - not wish my mom dead, exactly - but wish i could pretend she was dead, rather than her just not being there anymore. especially since, when i was suddenly thrown into being her sole emotional and physical punching bag now that dad wasn’t filling the role anymore, a lot of the times being around her post divorce was not a good thing. (I cut off all contact with my mom finally at age 25 and haven’t looked back)

so yeah, i was fucking pissed that i had worked so hard to try to mitigate the damage i caused by leaving jordan alone with my mom for pretty much the entirety of my high school years...only to have my dad kick him out barely a few years after i left for college and thus putting my brother at my mom’s mercy. ostensibly my dad kicked my brother out because of his drug addictions, but my brother was the most mild mannered addict i’ve ever known. the worst thing he ever did was steal a couple hundred dollars from me, but he never got violent, he never got angry. other people got angry at him. my aunt once tried to fight him in a hospital elevator because he sold my cousin heroin or meth or some shit and my cousin ended up impaling a knife in his chest in front of my grandma, which is a whole nother story. but jordan was only nineteen when that happened. my cousin? thirty six. and a long time violent and angry drug addict with a record (he threw a book at his professor’s head and got kicked out of grad school while on cocaine once, which is how he ended up back in washington state and needing a new drug dealer - hence my brother suddenly getting involved) (same cousin later flew into a drug fueled rage in his forties and almost beat his girlfriend to death) (my brother was long since clean by then and had nothing to do with our cousin getting drugs at that point)

all this to say my dad’s rich bitch new wife didn’t think a drug addict and mentally ill artist fit into her picture perfect family, so dad started making it clear we were not welcome at family functions unless we complied with very strict rules. ironically, jordan was let back into the fold first partially because i can hold a grudge for a very long time and i was very very terrified of my mom and dad was the sane stable one and i had trusted him to take care of everything even without me there and dad had failed pretty spectacularly at that. im still bitter at my dad for his secret marriage and subsequent moving into her million dollar mansion and throwing my brother out. but also partially because jordan started following all of dad’s rules, got himself cleaned up (he moved in with his girlfriend, and i think being out of mom’s house had a lot to do with getting over his addictions), started studying computer science, found a really good software engineering job, suddenly dad approved of him. i also partially antagonized rich bitch wife by doing silly things like wearing black leather pants and the most provocative clothes i owned whenever i went over to their house. rich bitch was a very simple narrow minded person with a lot of prejudices. i imagine i was not seen as a good influence on her two younger daughters. and eventually they stopped seeing me altogether. even when i was living in washington for all of 2017 - the only time i ever saw dad was when he’d come visit my grandparents alone. the day before i took grandma on the train to move to ohio, we were supposed to all have dinner together at our family’s favorite place to eat out - crossroads mall - and the rich bitch refused to show up. that’s how petty she is. she also is so dumb she’s under the delusion that kids get into drugs if they don’t have dogs (????) so that’s why she forced my dad to get a dog for her spoiled brat youngest when the girl went into high school. my dad dislikes animals, so i will say one of the highlights of this marriage is seeing my dad become a dog person. the rich bitch and her daughters mostly ignore the dog, but my dad is so attached to max that he even lets the little puppy sit in his lap while driving. anyway, anyone who thinks dogs are the sole answer to preventing drug addictions can go to hell.

yeah, blah blah blah, to sum up its WEIRD for my dad to suddenly be texting my brother and i unprompted, and asking me about my life and my plans. i dont really know how to deal. i miss him. he was always the closest person in my life to the point where even when i moved away for college, i still assumed after i graduated i’d just move back in with dad so it was only four years being gone, cause why would i ever want to live anywhere else?. i kept thinking if i could hit some level of success that he would approve of, that maybe eventually i could become somebody his rich bitch wife would associate with. but that never happened, obviously.

#journal shit #christmas is family time right????

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maybetoosoft · 5 years

Text

just trying to remind myself that this summer is not the previous one, nor it will be, and that so many things changed and even if i dont feel like it, im getting better

my anxiety, agoraphobia and panic disorder started last year around this time. i was terrified of literally everything - living, breathing, existing, of time and everything that i couldnt fully understand. i got stuck in my home for 3 months - the whole summer.

i was never really social or confident, i even had social anxiety disorder until high school, and after that came anorexia, which i succeeded to fight myself. and i started to get better. i started to go out, smoke, drink, and even smoke weed. i thought im free, that im finally me and that i can do whatever i want, that i was confident about myself and everything around me.

and in all that freedom and confidence, one evening a terrifying thing happened. i went with whole bunch of people (my 'squad' back then) to smoke weed on some roof, after which i had to go home.

and it hit me. full blown panic attack, on weed.

i literally thought i was going to die. my heart and mind was racing, and even now i cant write about it because it still scares me and gives me anxiety.

after that, it started. little by little, my anxiety was growing, first it came shaking, then anxiety attacks, fear, and then panic attacks. first only at night, but then even in the middle of the day.

one day i decided i was gonna travel to my grannys house in the other city, and 'refresh' myself. i came there and everything was going pretty good. i was hanging out with my friend, and the attack began. the rain started to fall and i ran back to my house, terrified. i didnt know what was happening - i felt like i couldnt calm myself ever again. i wanted my mom, i wanted to go back home, so badly that i convinced my older sister to drive me there because i was scared to take the train alone.

when i came to my house i couldnt stop crying for days. i didnt know whats happening to me - my body and mind wouldnt listen, i couldnt think or do anything, i was just terrified. of everything. always. every second. it was unbearable.

i had i girlfriend back then. our story is long, but the point is she was by my side the whole time. i told my parents and they accepted it very easily - they saw how terrified i am and tried to do anything to help me.

i started going on therapy. first thing my therapist gave me - medication. i didnt want it. not because i thought i was weak for taking meds, but because i was teriffied to take them. i was scared they would turn me to a walking zombie, or change me or change my personality forever. i decided i wont take them and that im strong enough and can deal with it myself.

but it started getting worse. after avoiding going anywhere after 6pm, i started to get scared to go out at all. even in company. and then, i got stuck in my house.

my girlfriend had to go to america (which also terrified me), and she planned that trip long ago. i was scared of letting her go, because we basically lived together, but i wanted her to have a good time.

and she left. after a few days of talking normally, one day she just sent me a really long message. i was terrified. i was scared to read it, because i knew what it meant. she broke up with me. miles away, she just left me alone, and blocked me.

i was completely lost. she was the only person i had, because i let go of all of my friends. i couldnt tell them that i have agoraphobia and cant go outside, because they would literally think im crazy - i was the person that could be outside on parties for days and nights. i even cut all of my contacts with best friends. i was scared to tell them everything that was happening to me.

and i just lived like that. day after day, it got only worst but i refused ro take meds. i was just sitting in my house, anxouis, anxious, anxious, alone with my thoughts.

one day, an old friend called me. he was there when i had my first panic attack, and i just stopped talking to him because i thought he wouldnt understand my situation. i didnt answer, but then i thought - what can i lose? i alredy lost everything so even if he thought im crazy that wouldnt be much of a change. so i called him. we started talking normally and that conversation made me really happy, and he asked could he come with a friend. i was a little anxious, but so happy and honestly bored home alone, that i said of course.

the guy he came with - he is my boyfriend for 10 months now. he is the best person i could ever meet. we actually plan a marriage and family one day, and the friend who called me - he will be our godfather.

with them, slowly, i started living life again. first step - i started taking meds. and believe me, if you let it go far enough, meds cant make it any worse then it is, only better. that step helped me with talking to people and my old friends. i started to go out a little, slowly. then college started and i met amazing friends. i started going to college, studying, hanging out with new friends and my boyfriend. my life startes to get better. therapy helped me and my mindset changed.

it is summer again now. it just started, and the first day was horrible - but i fought it and went outside and had a coffe with my boyfriend. not much, but enough.

i feel like im starting to get bad again. the heat and rhis summer vibe just reminds me on the previous summer, the worst period in my life. today was scary, and yesterday was scary. but you know what? i didnt lock myself in the house. i was scared, and went to my boyfriends house with him, by bus. yes i was scared, and yes - i did it. today i had to go back. was i scared? was i dizzy, spaced out, shaky? hell yes. and i did it anyway. not because im too brave of a person. but because i will not let myself live the previous summer again. it ruined me. and this time i will be stronger.

my situation is not perfect at all - i still have panic attacks, but can deal with them, i still get scared on a daily basis and get home and calm myself. i cant go anywhere alone, and thats my next step. it will take a lot of time, and i know that. my healing is not even near over, but i will do it. for me and for my future, and for people that i love. im going to prove myself that i CAN.

this summer is not the previous one. a little heat will not stop me from healing.

and please, if youre having these problems, or any other mental health problem, please dont give up. one day we will thank ourselves for not giving up, trust me ♡

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karmanticmoved · 5 years

Note

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

#asks #long post #friends

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digigal-transbian · 6 years

Text

Better to?

Is it better to be alive and constantly miserable? Or dead and know peace?

If I fail a class this semester, there is an extremely high likelihood that i will be pulled out of college for financial reasons. If that happens I've been told I will have no choices, my life will be ultimately destroyed. The only job I'd be able to get is a minimum wage, soul crushing mindless existence. I'd never be able to afford a second chance at college. I'd never be able to survive on minimum wage, I'd have to get two jobs and even then I'd barely make ends meet.

And that's if I was able to get a second job. I'd never know love because I'd be too busy trying just to survive and after that too tired to function. 2 full time jobs is not exactly free to have feelings like love. And with who I am, finding someone would be a damn miracle and god has already proven he shall have no mercy on me.

And the gods know I'd never have a lucky break with writing or art, if I even had the time or energy to put into either of them.

Every check just going to not being dead for another week, stuck in a job or if I'm lucky, 2, that I hate, barely making ends meet, all because when I was 19 I got cocky and ended up failing Precal or was forgetful and failed English because if it.

To be able to say, "I was young, dumb, sure of myself, and because of it I've amounted to nothing, never known love, was never able to have a family, and lived a fate comparable to hell on earth."

I've been religiously told this for the last 6 months by my parents. And 6 months is lowballing it.

My biggest fear is dying alone. My second biggest fear to be forgotten. If I fail both are going to happen. I'm going to die alone in a house that is barely holding together without a soul to remember me.

I'll be forgotten within a week of my death, if not, a month at most. Nothing I've ever done will have mattered, ultimately I was just a waste of the universes time, even if I did make a couple peoples days just a little bit brighter.

Is it better to live and be miserable with no hope, or to die and be done with it?

At this point it's basically pass or die. A 70 on my math final to pass and have to retake because of how it is with my major, an 85 on it to never take that class again, and with English I've done what I can and at this point all I can do is hope.

And don't any of you dare call me selfish for this. To call suicidal people selfish is selfish itself. You're only concerned about the impact that persons death would have on you or their family, worry about the person who wants to kill themselves because they are in pain or see no other option.

And never call me selfish. I've made every choice for somebody else. Choice in college was because if years of "if you go to clemson you'll make your grandfather proud." And he's the actual kindest person I've ever met of course I dont want to let him down, I couldn't get there on my highschool GPA or ACTs so I found some backass method to get there. CSU has an applied math program that does 4 years there, 2 years at Clemson and you get two degrees for the 6 year period.

My father was all for that for the reason of being able to rub it in my aunts and uncles faces.

This is the same man that punched a brick wall hard enough to let out a blood curdling scream, make the house shake from the punch, and instill the fear of death in a child because a 12 year old didnt do his English homework. Why that 12 year old didnt do their homework? Just didnt want to, so over time did less and less of it.

Which is a legitimately normal thing by the way, 6th graders dont always want to do their homework and of course they are going to lie about it, dont act like his responce was in any way justifiable.

The man to this day still threatens to pin me to a wall and beat the shit out of me if I lie to him again, which wouldnt be as much of an issue if he didn't terrify me to the point of never telling him anything ever again out of fear for my life.

My choice of major was because of him. I wanted to be a doctor for a while but then my mom spent a collective 5 years dying in the hospital, so that dream died. No fault to her she couldn't control it. I then wanted to be a psychiatrist, therapist, that deal. Made the mistake of mentioning it around dad and got told promptly "it's not a real job." 10 year old me gave up on that real quick.

Then it went lawyer for a while because I figured a good paying job will be acceptable, hes always on about money anyways. After months upon like a year or something of "oh it's a lot of school and it's really hard and are you sure about it?" That dream too, was killed.

So the next thing I said was computers. Nothing more, nothing less, and it was finally acceptable. It was the most predicatable answer out of me and the first one to really be approved of. So for years i was content not having my dreams put down, then came college and I put my dreams down for computer engineering, on the track to clemson.

I then changed my major to computer science and over time put some thought into my actual interests.

Astronomy, the language of the stars. Physics, the language of the universe. Linguistics, the study of language. Writing, where you can be a god of your own little world. Geology, because rocks are just cool yo. Intetior Design, every time dad drags me to work with him I sit around and mentally start designing each room. And at the bottom of the list, Computer Science.

And the final mistake made in this whole college thing, I applied to only 1 college and to 0 scholarships. The scholarships I got are state ones, and I was told to keep a 3.0 GPA, which if you've ever seen one of my report cards you know how bad of an idea relying on that is. You have to have no idea what any of my report cards have ever looked like to think for a minute that trusting I will keep a B average for 6 years with no problems at all is even slightly a good idea.

So when my grades came in first semester, the night of December 13 I was legitimately shaking in fear for my life. December 23 when my parents found my grades out they gave me a 2~3 hour scream and then since then all my tech, aside from my phone and laptop, has been sitting in a tote box in my closet.

April they see my grades again and since then I havent been allowed to even have my door closed, and was strongly told that if I'm caught reading anything that isnt for school they'd burn it.

I could have probably avoided half of this if I was just a little more selfish, but I made every choice for someone else. If I was just a little more selfish I would be in a college half the price of CSU in a major that wouldnt be my last choice. Were I just a little more self centered, I wouldn't fear my father killing me over my grades.

Maybe I'm so destructively selfless because every moment that was supposed to have been about me quickly became about someone else. High school graduation after the fact during the pictures I got pushed to the side so my cousins could have a picture of just them, when there literally were three other walls and outside that they could have done that. Have you ever taken a picture outside at night? It's got a beautiful magic about it, and the lights were on dont even try to say "oh it's too dark", also cameras tend to have a flash so that's no excuse to push ME out of the way on MY graduation day. Kinda a big deal to me because when you look at my extended family I am among the few that have graduated high school, like half of them haven't even done that.

My graduation party the next day, I was given my gifts and then ignored most of the rest of the time. I was there for about 6~7 hours, and relevant for about 15 minutes. My college acceptance letter was opened and read by my parents before I even woke up. In fact, they woke me up by yelling at me from the kitchen to get in there. I walk in there, they're at the table smiling like idiots that just won the Nobel prize, and they hand me an open letter and tell me to read.

And my birthdays result in me being relevant for ten minutes of the hour at the pizza hut, and most of that is being asked about school and grades. The rest of the time is my parents and grandparents bitching about my drug addict unfit parent cousins. Like, my birthday is supposed to be about me, not them. And I am more than just school and grades, you would not believe how long it took me to realize that.

I have one bit of advice for anyone that might need it. Live your life for yourself for your reasons and never let somebody else live through you.

#personal #delete later #xni

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realdeadlovin · 3 years

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and the long rambly email, so far.

Hey brian. I don't know if I'm going to send this but I guess part of me just wants to know that I did my best to explain where I'm coming from even if nothing comes from it, I won't look back and be like well maybe if I'd explained myself more... idk. It feels futile bc in my experience it just feels like if you have decided some piece of information or feedback is threatening or uncomfortable to you, you will just refuse to hear it or acknowledge it til the end of time. which makes it utterly impossible to work through what should be simple conflicts. I talked to MC about your visit today. she said something like, "I know you aren't someone who is freely vulnerable very often, and as someone who also struggles a lot to feel safe with vulnerability I can really understand how hard that was." I dont know brian, I guess thats why I wanna clarify that it wasn't that you weren't "emotionally available" bc like I said I really wasn't asking for or expecting anything from you. i was just expecting you not to actively throw it back in my face and make me feel like I would lose you for showing my feelings in front of you. I mean, I didn't actually know to ask that, because I hadn't really considered it as a possibility. I felt genuinely shocked. I couldn't imagine ever responding that way to you if the situations were reversed; it would feel so awful and cruel. when i was passive aggressive for a second while you were having anxiety I immediately felt so horrible. if anyone else in my life acted that way towards me, well, it's a moot point because no one else who I keep around in my life would dream of it. my therapist spends all this time trying to convince me that the people I love aren't going to abandon me if I let them see how I feel or let myself have my emotions in front of them but I guess she doesn't know you. i spend $100 a week trying to work through that shit so idk, pay me. I know alcohol plays a role in the whole thing but I also feel not into like using alcohol as a catch all excuse anymore in my life, obviously I still drink but its not a good excuse for being shitty to people you care about, or at least for not taking responsibility for it. If you want to explain where you were coming from or your perception of the situation go ahead, I will listen. slash read and consider. maybe my memory is off. I just want to say that like being able to identify why you acted shitty doesn't justify it. youre an adult and should be able to take responsibility for yourself when youre feeling insecure or whatever. you dont get to just lash out at people without consequences because you were feeling bad or anxious. I don't think you hurt me because youre like "hurting parker is just my idea of a good time." and even if I had been mad about something you did, which I wasn't, I don't understand how that really makes it okay either... If youre not a person I can feel safe like, crying in front of, telling you that I"m not mad at you but some hard feelings about sex were coming up for me and I was just processing it but it wasn't about you.... without you actively making me feel like shit for expressing that and like you would leave me as a result... how can i feel safe trusting you or like I can be myself around you? I mean especially as someone who is supposed to "love" and "care about" me sooo much who I've known forever, not some stranger... like if a tindr date said they were leaving bc I was crying, sure. but I think some tindr dates would be nicer than that. but you? I just don't know how you don't see that. as a side note I guess it did honestly feel hurtful that you lavish so much love and affection on me from afar and then so instantly feel certain you dont feel that way actually when were in person. i know you shrug it off, and I can't say I'm exactly mad about it cause I guess you can't help it, but it does make me feel like all that love wasn't real and theres something wrong with me or something you dont like when you actually have to be around me. you tease me about saying that 5 days seemed "daunting" to you but it did actually make me sad that we talk on a constant basis and then like the idea of seeing me was so hard. i mean obviously in retrospect you were "right" to be nervous or something but yea I guess I just like I feel some rejection when it comes to you especially seeing you "in person" which feels hard and disconcerting when u go back to being all like in love with me once you're gone, yea idk and just have this whole time struggled with feeling alternately like some rejection and then also like really intense validation. but so it goes. i guess thats just saying that even if this visit hadnt be like Bad Bad bt had just been lackluster it would have felt weird to go back to talking how we had been. but, who knows how this visit would have gone if that night hadn't happened, I know things were weird and off/awkward with us all weekend largely bc I didnt tell you how I was feeling but then also didnt know how to relax around you or be normal and yea that felt like no "spark" but maybe there wouldn't have been anyways, I don't know. I wish I'd said something sooner, also I hope you can understand why I didn't or was afraid to and who knows how the weekend would have gone if I had... maybe not any better, I dunno. but yea not texting you right now still feels hard and sad. I've wanted so badly to text you throughout the day. I know we have leaned on each other too much in order to not feel lonely but yeah so now I feel really lonely especially with sophie gone, I just felt soooo alone after you left. seeing you cry when I dropped you off made me want to take everything back and say I dont actually feel this way, I love you and of course you wont lose me, maybe I overreacted, etc etc just wanted to walk everything back. but I don't think I'm overreacting and idk I don't think that pretending everything is fine will fix anything... idk brian, i love you and I care about you and I can't imagine you not being in my life, although I guess you weren't really there for a bit. but sometimes people are friends for a long time and then they stop. I don't think I want that and I know you have been there for me in a lot of ways as well. I just dont know.. how do we interact in a way that isn't like codependently leaning on each other but isn't like distant and surface level either? I know you've said it was hard talking to me a ton after the last time we split , I know this sitch is different too but I dunno. I dunno how to find the right balance esp when I really am struggling to trust you in any sort of deep way. you also seemed to have this attitude of like "well I can't take it back now" and thats true but people/relationships do heal from hurt all the time it just takes a certain kinda work I don't feel that I will get from you.. happy to be proven wrong though.. I'm reading an article about "reforms" in the local sheriffs dept, they are getting body worn cameras and straight up saying the cops want them bc they think they will get the off the hook more often than not *~*~*I talked to kyle last night, cried some, anyways he hates you now. jk ish. definitely was like "wow fuck that guy." which wasn't actually what I had intended to convey. It's hard for me to talk to other people in my life here about anything with you because idk, your behavior sometimes is just so unreasonable and unkind on its face people always get so like against you if I actually tell them things you say to me and such, and then I feel like I'm actually in this position of just like trying to defend you and be like "no but he can be really great though and I really love him" and such. I've been in that dynamic before in "relationships" where I don't feel I can tell my friends about what is actually going on because then they will absolutely not support me being with that person and yea it's not great. I know that I know you better than they do and that you're really a very caring and loving person but its hard to reconcile that sometimes with your thoughtlessness at other times. I guess this is what you were talking about earlier in this whole thing.. about how far we've drifted apart, I guess in terms of who we surround ourselves with and such. I told kyle youre someone I've known and loved for long before I started having the current standards I have for people in my life. but, I'm also really deeply grateful you're in my life, and I'm glad to have had you come into my life when you did and to have stayed in it all this time.I felt so much better and less alone after talking to kyle and that helped clarify how much I was freaking out because of missing you versus how much i was freaking out about being alone. it was nice feeling like I could cry around someone about something that was hurting me and have it actually create intimacy rather than drive them away, as it should, so that was validating and healing in a way, like yea im not crazy. I don't want you to not be in my life. I want to continue having a close friendship with you that isn't like awkwardly not addressing unsaid things or like surface level and yeah like i want that trust back blah. and maybe I fucked that up by restarting things romantically when maybe we were on our way towards that again. arms sore like from adrenaline day 3 lol I'm getting pretty sad not talking to you or knowing how youre feeling. it's become less urgent because I don't feel lonely/alone anymore per se. getting a lot of comfort from kyle thats maybe weird/ co dependent in its own way, hes been staying in sophies room, making em coffee and breakfast in the mornings / walking me to work etc. yesterday had agood therapy session, then played cards with some rfiends, then met kyle at owls club and hung out with him and some nurses, then kyle stayed over and we talked until we were both falling asleep on the couches, tonight im maybe having dinner (sex? who knows? I think I dont want ot, I barely want to hang out with him at all it feels like a chore) tonight. still nothing physical with kyle, I wonder if cuddling may imminent, but idk.well so what im saying is when yo ufirst left I had this panicky feeling that I couldn't tell if was about fear of being alone or about missing you and the lsat few days I have felt better and less alone, and I sitll miss you, in a not urgent way but in a, I want to hear how you're doing and I want you in my life, way. I dont know brian. I feel I'm sort of processed what happened and I am mad indeed but as long as we know we can like never be involved romantically lol i can forgive that you have a lot of unhealed shit and act poorly a lot of the time in relationsihp idk. blabla. and not being involved romantically,well, it doesn't seem healthy to be so dependant on talking constantly so I don't think we can go back to that. but regularly, I would like.I dont want to not talk to you.

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transfemininomenon · 6 years

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thanks for posting the stuff you've been writing tonight. im ftm and haven't started t yet or anything. i hate being trans and hate myself and my messed up brain is usually resistant to any kind of "it will be okay" positivity but what you said spoke to me and it just feels.. real. like i just feel like i can trust you that ill get better at this. i still feel hopeless but you make me want to try to not be. anyway i love you congrats on starting hrt queen

honestly its hard. its really really hard. basically like my whole life ive hated myself, ive hated what i was, and so much of my life was marked by SO much confusion and doubt and hate and i didnt think i could ever really be happy with myself. like, ive been IDing as a trans woman for two and a half years, and for two whole years outside of tumblr i was totally in the closet there because i was just SO afraid of telling anyone, and i doubted myself constantly on whether the things i was feeling was real or not

but then suddenly the last half a year has just been…. so much Better. i started seeing a therapist who has been amazing and seeing her has been such a positive experience with me learning so many healthy coping mechanisms and ways of dealing with my dysphoria on top of my depression/anxiety and who was SO incredible with helping me get transition resources sorted out, ive Finally started hrt, and above all i finally came out to my friends and theyve been nothing short of amazing

i know i talk about my friends and how great theyve been a lot but theyve really been SUCH a huge part in me getting to the point im at. i was terrified for years of ever telling any of them, thinking they’d leave me or best case scenario have things be weird or have our friendships change, but they ended up being SO incredible. i remember when i told the first two of my friends about it and how they both immediately went and changed my name in their phones to alice, how they took the time to ask me about pronouns/name/words i was comfortable with, how the next day they took me out to dinner to hang out and to just let me talk about everything and show that they supported me. and how when i told another friend how amazing and supportive he was, and how when i went and told the rest of my friend group the one friend i was sort of worried about just immediately smiled and was like “hey congratulations on being able to tell us”

and i just think about how my friend whose house we hang out at’s family knows, and how when they were told his mom and grandma both hugged me and told me how proud they were of me, and how his mom told me that their house was always a place i could stay if i needed that, and how she later signed a card with “your other mom”. and i just think about how the week after i told my friends they threw me a surprise party to celebrate me coming out, how all week they’d been planning it, how they’d tricked me into talking about different snacks and stuff id liked, how they got me cards and a big amazon gift card for me to order clothes with. and especially how they just explained that theyd talked about it and that it sucked that usually Best Case Scenario when someone comes out was just people not being awful, and how they wanted to do More than that and that they wanted to show how much they loved and supported me and that they’d be there through anything

and my real point there is that i spend over two years worrying and doubting myself and being nowhere Near close to wanting to come out, and now im surrounded by so many incredible people whove given me unimaginable support, who make me feel so loved, who have been Incredible with everything. and how months into everything its all gotten so easy, so casual, for me to just be alice and to be a girl around them, and how while before i was worried our friendships wouldnt last or would change how the only change that happened was i feel closer to them and more loved than i ever couldve thought

things are scary and Painful and i know “things will get better” comments can be really hard to believe but genuinely i never thought i could be as happy as i am now. and the same will happen to you. youre gonna find so many people who love you, who support you, who are incredible and wonderful. things might not be perfect, but youre gonna learn that your identity can be wonderful, and loving, and above all, healing

my life isnt perfect, not by a long shot, and there’s plenty of things i still struggle with. theres incidents like today where ive got people telling me im not Really Trans, the majority of the world still hates my existence, most people dont know im a woman. those things dont really go away, but for me at least ive learned to just… let them go. my friends are there. my friends who i love more than anything and who love me back. the people i love and the people i choose to spend my time with know me as Alice, love me as Alice, and ive learned that god that is more than enough. who cares what the world might think? the people i want to be with are on my side, and thats all i really need

youre gonna find people like that too, and i promise you everything else will get easier too. since coming out to my friends i have so much more confidence in myself and my womanhood, and im now on hrt, which is a point i thought i would Never really be at. and i know that in time you’ll get there too - you’ll be surrounded by people who love you, you’ll be confident in your identity, and youll learn to love yourself. it wont always be easy and i know “it gets better” doesnt fix any of the Now pain, but god it will all be worth it in the end. i promise. keep your chin up, keep going, and in time you’ll suddenly look around at all the love around you and wonder how everything couldve ever felt so scary

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