#I want to feel safe to express negative emotions with them in a healthy manner in ways we can work on solutions and build a better love

[oglegoggle]

Idiot ex expected literally everyone around him to bend over backwards to do everything for him because he’s got ADHD and therefore isn’t capable of doing household chores or not breaking my belongings or responsibly managing his finances. He would throw up ADHD as a get out of jail free card literally every single time his behavior hurt me and I just had to accept it. Outright told me one time that trying to teach him how to do chores properly without breaking shit was triggering for him. But then was upset to see me call him an idiot and a coward in the notes on a post I reblogged about how shitty ADHD folks who use their ADHD as reason to never face consequences for their inconsiderate and selfish behavior.

Like yeah ADHD sucks and it requires a lot of difficult managing. But legit if you’re gonna say that it’s “triggering” to be expected to put away dishes without breaking them or take the used kitty litter to the dumpster outside every single day you’re just a pathetic self absorbed piece of shit. ADHD or not behavior like this has consequences and sometimes those consequences are the people you’re living with think you’re a selfish moron they don’t want to live with.

Your RSD is correct here dude, acting like this will make people drop you from their lives. You’re in your 30s and can’t do basic household chores. I had to walk on eggshells literally constantly with him because expressing even the tiniest amount of being upset with him would trigger a full blown self loathing meltdown and then he would be upset at me for hurting his feefees. He’s got ADHD, he’s got RSD, he’s got bipolar, it’s oooobviously my fault for triggering him and I need to calm him down and coddle him and reassure him that I’m not going to leave just because he hurt me repeatedly and did nothing to make up for hurting me or stop that behavior that was hurting me. He’s not capable of doing better and it makes him feel insecure that I deserve better treatment he’s not capable of giving me. I better reassure him that I’m okay with his shitty treatment of me or else he’ll fuckin kill himself. No he doesn’t want to go to couples counseling, that would be a waste of time and money.

Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not getting rid of all the glassware in my home so he won’t break it constantly. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I didn’t remind him to maintain his friendships outside of our relationship, obviously not telling him to remember to talk to and spend time with his friends is the same as somehow forbidding him from seeing them. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I don’t want to cook literal goddamn chicken rice & veg meals for his fucking dog and foot the bill for it, just like I was paying all of the other household bills as well as our entire shared food budget and cooking our meals every day because he would break shit and set fires if I didn’t. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for expecting him to actually pay the landlord his portion of the rent. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for smoking so much of his weed. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I won’t allow his awful cat in my home again after it slashed my fucking eyeball and put me in the ER. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for being constantly made sick by the filth and squalor he created faster than I could clean up without help. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for expecting to be helped with the cleaning. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not accommodating his ADHD and letting him treat me like garbage without consequence. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for having needs and boundaries. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not tolerating his abuse forever.

It was abuse.

He abused me.

Having ADHD does not make your behavior not abusive. ADHD does not absolve you of being an abuser. There are plenty of ADHD folks in this world that have actual honor and dignity about themselves. Don’t act like ADHD is a free excuse to abuse others. That’s not RSD talking that’s your conscience, listen to it. Treat those who care about you with genuine respect and they won’t reject you.

#this is goggles #bleh I’m cranky and lonely but at least I’m not dealing with his idiocy anymore #I would very much like to be held and loved #not loved for how silently and gracefully I can endure being abused #I want to be loved gently #I want to feel safe to express negative emotions with them in a healthy manner in ways we can work on solutions and build a better love #I want to feel like I don’t have to be the only responsible person in charge of everything all of the time #I want to live in a clean home that doesn’t make me sick with masses of spilled soda and cat piss on every surface and bugs and mold #I want to have my belongings regarded with care and have them replaced when occasional mishaps happen #I want to not have to constantly be parenting someone older than myself because they completely lack basic skills and emotional regulation #I want to be able to rely on my partner not just be a totally reliable rock to them without support of my own #I want to relax and feel at peace in my own home not constantly stressed by their behavior and shit pets #I want to have people in my life who make me feel secure and safe and supported and seen #I gave up everything to leave that life behind me I deserve and need better from the folks around me #it sucks and it’s lonely but I’m going to find better #hopefully in Seattle I’ll be able to find friends and love and support I need #I really hope so this life is so lonely and my body aches so much #When I feel like I miss him it is not because he was a good partner it is because I haven’t ever had a partner to live with before him #I will find a new partner who will want to live with me and will treat me better #I will get the love and respect and support I need elsewhere he won’t give me what I need #just gotta ignore that irritating feeling of missing him it will not benefit me he will only hurt me and make me feel like I’m at fault #even his friends think he’s a douchebag I wish I would’ve listened to them early on when they were trying to warm me #bleh my body aches I really need some touch and affection #I hate possessing this almost esoteric knowledge that being held reduces the pain in my body this was so much easier to handle before #I’m going to be 27 in a couple weeks I’m still so young but I feel so old #I have never been good at dating and I loathe having to date to find a partner can I just skip ahead to the part where I have a kind lover? #I want to have my back rubbed and neck kissed I want to be held while I sleep and feel safe and at ease #I’d take it even for a single night right about now it’s been months and I know I have months more ahead of me before I’ll even be hugged #wish I had the dough and know how to hire a companion for the evening #not even really for sex just like I really need to be held for a little while being held is so important for my mental and emotional health

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

Really hate how fragility has become a virtue. No one wants to toughen up and learn to healthily handle negative emotions or physical hardships. Instead the first sign of adversity is a sign to give up. Actually, it's even worse than that. Because the adversity is greeted like an old friend. Too many people these days want to be disadvantaged, or oppressed, or threatened. So much so that they'll pretend minor inconveniences are Life Threatening Trauma because trauma is now an all purpose shield. Oppression is an all purpose shield. Illness, mental or physical, is an all purpose shield. The people who throw the loudest tantrum are the ones who get coddled the most. That's why certain people scream racism when they get called out on being assholes. That's why certain people scream transphobia when they hear an opinion they don't like. It's because the culture we have now in the west is all about wildly exaggerating problems and being overtly performative about how we "solve" those problems. It's all a show. You're all performing your roles perfectly. And don't you dare think otherwise. You are a performer. Even if you know you're faking and you think you're directing your own show, you're still the performer. But do you wanna know who is directing?

Politicians and the billionaires you claim to hate along with the media who enables them.

Because this society benefits them the most. Yeah, sure, you guys can get a few people fired for expressing an opinion and you might get away with some shitty behavior before your friends and family get wise to you and stop wanting anything to do with you, but that's all you get. And the trade offs?

You have zero ability to be self-sufficient. And I'm not talking about living off the land like a pioneer here. I'm talking basic life skills like cooking and talking on the phone and having manners and holding down jobs and making a budget.

You're scared all the time. You think everyone around you is out to get you unless they loudly and constantly proclaim that they aren't. You think death and assault is around every corner and the only way you can ever feel safe is to give up your rights to the very same people who are lying to you to make you afraid.

You can't make friends with people who aren't exactly like you. You're stuck in a a constant negative reinforcement of every single bad habit you've developed. You've alienated everyone in your life who isn't as bitter and scared as you are.

You refuse to improve your life because if you get better or more healthy the broken people you surround yourself with will turn on you and cast you out.

And it's so ad, because it's actually so easy and satisfying to take control of your life and stop acting like a toddler who got his sucker taken away. Imagine if you didn't have to be scared in a room full of strangers because you knew you had the skills to make polite small talk. Imagine if you didn't have to get mad at every little thing because you have perspective and can realize when things are important and when they're not worth getting upset over. Imagine knowing you could survive unexpected hardships that might come your way because you've done it before. That's what growing up is. And that's what you lose when you insist on being perpetual adolescents. And then, suddenly, when the politicians come around and tell you you need to give up your rights so they can solve all your problems for you, you can say, "Why should I give up anything to you when I can just solve my problems on my own?"

You can take the power back from the people you say you hate, but still rely on to be a surrogate parent. You can live a happy life even if you have to work and struggle and face adversity. Hardship builds character, but only if you have any character to work with. Don't spend your whole life relying on people who don't give a fuck about you as a person to keep you safe and provide for you. Because I promise you, they have zero interest in doing either.

[aprillikesthings]

hey if I get through two more episodes tonight I'll finish out the first season

s1 ep12 light hope

BUT FIRST under the cut before the episode is a bunch of text I cut/pasted from the wikipedia page on narcissistic parents

"Children of a narcissistic parent may not be supportive of others in the home. Observing the behavior of the parent, the child learns that manipulation and guilt are effective strategies for getting what they want. The child may also develop a false self and use aggression and intimidation to get their way. Instead, they may invest in the opposite behaviors if they have observed them among friends and other families. When the child of a narcissistic parent experiences safe, real love or sees the example played out in other families, they may identify and act on the differences between their life and that of a child in a healthy family. For example, the lack of empathy and volatility at home may increase the child's own empathy and desire to be respectful. Similarly, intense emotional control and disrespect for boundaries at home may increase the child's value for emotional expression and their desire to extend respect to others. Although the child observes the parent's behavior, they are often on the receiving end of the same behavior. When an alternative to the pain and distress caused at home presents itself, the child may choose to focus on more comforting, safety-inducing behaviors.

"Some common issues in narcissistic parenting result from a lack of appropriate, responsible nurturing. This may lead to a child feeling empty, insecure in loving relationships, developing imagined fears, mistrusting others, experiencing identity conflict, and commitment issues.[5]

"Sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family may learn to meet the parent's needs for gratification and seek love by accommodating the wishes of the parent. The child's normal feelings are ignored, denied and eventually repressed in attempts to gain the parent's "love". Guilt and shame keep the child locked in a developmental arrest. Aggressive impulses and rage may become split off and not integrated with normal development. Some children develop a false self as a defense mechanism and become codependent in relationships. The child's unconscious denial of their true self may perpetuate a cycle of self-hatred, fearing any reminder of their authentic self.

"Narcissistic parenting may also lead to children being either victimized or bullies, having a poor or overly inflated body image, tendency to use and/or abuse drugs or alcohol, and acting out (in a potentially harmful manner) for attention.

"In most cases, the narcissist will select one child in the family to be the Golden Child, and another child to be the Scapegoat. The Golden Child becomes an extension of the narcissist, who lives vicariously through them. As a result many golden children do not develop a healthy sense of self and struggle with boundaries. Scapegoats, on the other hand, become the receptacle for all the negative emotions of the narcissistic parent, who blames them for everything that goes wrong in the family."

-----------

LIKE I KEEP SAYING this shit is so textbook!!! Adora leaves the moment she finds a place that's better but struggles not to keep constantly self-sacrificing and people-pleasing. Catra responds by becoming vicious and cruel to herself and everyone else.

Also explains why I think Catra and Adora's post-canon romantic relationship is gonna be hella unhealthy at first.

AAAUGH

anyway time to watch some TV

...yeah

side note I googled and at least two other people have noticed Light Hope looks like Grace Jones

EXCUSE ME Swift Wind is a someONE not a someTHING

Angella is not fazed by the talking horse at all, she has seen some shit in her time lol

Angella: look bb I fucked up and always regretted it, so I'm not letting YOU fuck up :)

Hmmmm.

There's a PETA joke in here somewhere

Why does Catra keep touching Entrapta's hair so much that's like running your claws along her arms like surely she knows this? Wouldn't it be flirtatious? Is she doing it on purpose?

yeah it's on purpose, also I couldn't get Entrapta's little split-second smile but it happened

so yeah clearly she's fine with it but Catra you are not actually Entrapta's type at ALL

I love her

plot plot plot the First Ones were people from space who settled Etheria and fucked with it and Light Hope is part of the Crystal Castle which was built *for* She-Ra

AND YOU DON'T GET A CHOICE :D btw there were a ton of other She-Ras, you're just a thousand years late or so, no pressure ha ha

the way they're bouncing back and forth between Entrapta and Light Hope both saying variations on "the First Ones totally fucked up this planet :D Also, princesses are supposed to run the planet via their runestones and that's why shit is a mess!" is pretty clever.

Anyway main point is: She-Ra's job is to unite the princesses and get them to use their runestones properly and keep the planet "in balance," Entrapta's goal is to figure out every bit of information she can about said runestones (including the Black Garnet), and Catra wants to use that information to destroy the rebellion (also, piss off Shadow Weaver)

oh I forgot about those little guys

You could've said that ages ago (re: Glimmer)

Oh god did anyone else grow up on Dr. Demento recordings and immediately think of the Boot To The Head bit where they're at a martial arts school and the teacher says "Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience," and Ed Gruberman responds "Yeah yeah yeah patience, how long will that take??" Anyway the bit is here if you've never heard it.

(TBH it mostly makes fun of terrible white people going to martial arts classes and being impatient little assholes, but it WAS made in the 1980's and is a live radio show of jokes about kicking people in the head, so uhhh heads-up on that.)

do u tho

>:(

Adora: I want to help my friends! Light Hope: okay but, hear me out, what if you took that self-sacrificial streak of yours and saved THE WHOLE PLANET :D

I get that the whole point of this part of the plot is to fuck with The Chosen One narratives, but hoooboy does that line piss me off.

(The Wise Elder-type doing a "you have to be ALONE you are not allowed to LOVE ANYONE" thing probably has a name on TV Tropes but if I look it up I'll be distracted for like an hour)

EDIT I looked it up and it's just called Love is a Weakness and I am closing that tab now lest I be lost for days

"Madame Razz's Mara?" this implies Mara is over a thousand years old but given that Glimmer has mentioned her mom being immortal several times now I suppose Mara is as well, which...given they're Princesses implies that Glimmer and Adora are as well? or am I forgetting something

Something about Mara "failing" because she was distracted and then "abandoning" them in "the empty dimension of Despandos" and breaking the She-Ra line. It's weird watching this like five years later because iirc Mara was protecting Etheria

YOU THINK

ugh I hate this kind of shit SO MUCH

Meanwhile, Catra's like AHAHA FUCK YOU, HORDAK KNOWS YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT >:3

hearing "Princess" used as an insult is never not funny

Emily trying to protect Entrapta is so cute

IT'S NOT YOUR RUNESTONE

Catra's right on this one

"You thought you were punishing me all these years? Wrong. You were training me for this day!"

She's not talking to Catra but to the little bits of gem in her mask after Catra slices it in half.

That looked very satisfying.

I know this is about a huge and terrible weapon but also: I love her

oKAY SO weapon goes off and bad shit starts happening, then Swift Wind is like OH SHIT gotta find Adora (there's a huge beam coming out of the Crystal Castle as well as the Fright Zone)

So she's been physically lying there while all of that conversation is happening? Huh, that must've started the moment she let go of that cliff thing.

Poor Swift Wind

UGGGH

Swift Wind: "Well that's just stupid."

I love how Swift Wind dismisses Light Hope's bullshit in like three sentences, and Adora's back to like: wait, having attachments is a good thing

been a few episodes since we got the full transformation sequence!

When she was stabbing the robot spiders I remember how someone pointed out that she only uses the sword's stabbing abilities on non-human things and it's true, but that's about standards and practices for children's cartoons lol

you could airbrush that on the side of a van lol

ONE MORE IN THE SEASON

#april rewatches spop #light hope

[janumun]

A [Cat] Parent's Memoirs of Pregnancy ft. Spouse (Pregnancy Headcanons)

Game: Shall We Date: Obey Me! Rating: General Audience/SFW Tags: pregnancy sweetness (and shenanigans)

Summary: Satan's approach and reaction to having a baby with his S/O.

Author's Notes: YESSSS YOU CAN @niphredil-14. 💚💛 This is cute and very, very warm. I tossed in between giving him either fur babies or demon babies (he deserves both!), and chose this! I hope you enjoy your read. 💚

Requests for this event are now (long) closed, dear readers. Thank you to all those who participated!

Perhaps three or twelve feline babies later, the two of you might plan on making a hybrid child — with two hands and two legs, five fingers on each and absolutely no fur in sight.

Satan would prefer waiting until your youngest adopted foundling — a tiny, dark slip of a cat — is well into its second year in this world before he decides to try for a baby, of your own flesh and blood. A decision he hardly takes in frivolity. Every vulnerable life, be it cat or person, is important and requires adequate care; Satan is very well aware of the fact.

When the two of you discover you are with child, happiness trumps within alongside multiple plans he’s already running through his head for the arrival of your child. Unfortunately, his immediate task on the agenda is informing Lucifer about the upcoming arrival — fighting for board for his adopted cats’ was Hell enough, war waged with you by his side — lest Lucifer demand he find elsewhere for the two of you to care for your baby. He’s going to stomp out of the House of Lamentation if Lucifer so much as suggests displeasure at your child.

Begrudgingly — and as frightening as it is to witness this conversation in between the two brothers, you fear you might almost collapse at how tensed you are watching the two glare at each other — though your demon breaks the news, and perhaps almost surprising for Satan, Lucifer greets the news with good cheer.

Claret gaze warming in affection as it slides towards you before he congratulates the two of you on your pregnancy.

Suffice to say, once his other brothers are informed of the news, they’re gathering over to express surprise (you suspect it’s more about them wanting to fawn and coo over a human pregnant) and extend their well-wishes to the two of you. Gifts from every single brother — in good will, but largely injurious to your health and the baby’s — Satan has lined against your side of the bed. Lucifer’s he burns with his unearthly verdant fire the moment you’re presented with it and the elder brother’s out of sight.

Manuals are brought out, books are being purchased. Shipments from all four corners of Devildom, pricey tomes on human pregnancy from the Earth.

Satan’s here to provide you with all information necessary to nurturing a baby within your womb, random facts and tid-bits even you’re hearing for the first time. He stresses on keeping yourself healthy. He isn’t an over-bearing future father but does definitely encourage you to stick to the health schedule he draws up for you every week, making a point of, time and again, how important it is for you to follow a good lifestyle in order to see through a safe pregnancy and delivery.

Everyday walks, Kegels, healthy amounts of fruit and meat in your diet (let him know if anything — anything at all — upsets your appetite and he’s quick to swipe that item out of your plate, and your lives). None of which you’re doing alone because he’s more than happy to accompany you throughout your regime.

Don’t let him choose too many of the baby’s clothes however, he’s pulling the oddest combinations of clothes off the rack and it leaves you half-amused half-terrified for your future baby’s sense of fashion. [That is way too many cat onesies in bizarre shades, Satan!]

He would never force you to adhere to something he wasn’t capable of seeing through himself. And, first and foremost he wants to be there for and with you. If you’d let him, he’d be very hands-on in helping deliver your baby as well.

Every single time the two of you make progress through your health list, Satan’s got a pat on the head ready, stroking your hair, affectionate, praising you on how well you’d done that day and what good progression you’d been making lately. Parting stray locks to press a kiss against your forehead. One to your lips in a smile more than happy to, if you ask for more. He’s that perfect balance between strict and adoring.

Future Father™️ (not so) secretly loves to be wrapped up in surprise cuddles any day of the week. There is nothing more joyous than the thought of being needed by you.

Perhaps one of the more enjoyable parts of your pregnancy has been how much more physically affectionate your child has made you and he can hardly complain when you crawl across the covers to join him in bed as he reads. You settling soft against him, needy arms coming around. Swollen stomach, round and wonderfully full, pressed into his side, he almost thinks he feels the baby within, kick a foot in welcome against his side — Hello Dad, as if that’s what Baby’s saying, if they could speak. The rather ridiculously sweet thought’s enough to pull a soft bout of laughter from him and an arm he fits carefully against your shoulder to drag you in.

“Are you cold again, kitten? Come sit next to me. We don’t want you and the little one to get sick now, do we? Is that better? Do you need me to go fetch a blanket? Alright then, sweet dreams.”

He’s here to answer to your every need, so long as it’s within the bounds of reasonability and not injurious to you or the baby.

As much as Satan might seem in control of the entire situation; calm rationale persevering through your hurdles of new pregnancy and future parenthood. Despite how he is the one you seek comfort in and take pride in as the father of your child… Satan is not entirely without his own chips in a seemingly flawless armor.

His knowledge, no matter how vast and thorough, doesn’t replace the practicality of witnessing you nurture a child — your child — within your belly for nine long months. Less than even a speck within a demon’s eternity but so very long and at times… challenging, more than he’s ever encountered throughout his lifetime. Having been born of Lucifer’s rage and anguish, Satan has never known of a parent’s love, nor does he pretend to understand what it might entail. He’s never really felt the need to, past that hollow ache that surfaces at times, to know he was born of loathing and negativity, not nurtured from love.

Lucifer’s hatred of his Father, Levi’s brief mentions of his Mother… a bedtime story narrated of times within the Heavens past with their family, among the brothers, in Lucifer’s absence, is all he knows of the entities called ‘parents’. He does not know what he ‘feels’, if his emotions and reactions are appropriate for a life the two of you are responsible for, together. If his version of love would ever be adequate enough for your baby — the thought that they too might grow missing half the love of their parents, to have no outlet for restless agitation and hurt towards a father who’s never had one of his own… it terrifies him beyond belief.

Times like these are when you need to read him like the very books he’s so fond of picking apart. Seat him by your side and engage him in conversation of your future as a family of many, many children (demon/human and feline alike). Let Satan voice his thoughts, unformed or firm, however they might come across. Pity or sermons are not what he needs; rather quiet understanding and thinking space. To let him realize how he has no need for anxiety; his version of love is just as much valid and your absolute faith in Satan’s ability to love your child as much as he does you. Something you’re willing to learn, a new experience of loving your child, together, with him by your side.

And if the hand that reaches out to caress your distended abdomen, as if towards one very precious, the soft affection in that verdant gaze is indication enough, he’s already begun to learn.

Bonus: Baby Wrath™️ is studious and very interested in learning of the world around, from a tender age. Drinks milk regularly and lick-finishes their cup clean, like they are supposed to under the watchful eye of Dad Wrath™️.

Satan is strict only in terms of good manners and good education; he’s nurturing and encourages the child to enjoy whatever hobbies they develop over their years. (Reading is one and no one’s more proud than Satan that Baby’s often found burrowed within their father’s mountain of books). You do allow the child more leeway, in terms of candy consumption and staying up past bedtime, although that influence can be traced back to Uncles Mammon and Levi who are terrible role-models and have more than once caused Dad Wrath to explode on their sorry souls. Baby Wrath is — much to the chagrin and woe of his father — very fond of Uncle Lucifer and he is their (second) favorite in terms of gifting new and fascinating books to study, and teaching to write simple words, on occasion.

End Notes: Thank you for reading!

♧° Link to Master List °♡

#obey me satan #obey me satan x reader #obey me satan x mc #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #shall we date obey me #om satan #obey me fanfic #obey me: one master to rule them all #obey me fanfiction #you are so que(t)e #a pickle writes #pickle celebrates #obey me fluff #obey me satan fluff #obey me hc

[usaginotwst]

the entire angst category for the emoji ask but for ... 👀 jamil and azul

oh hey now!! 👀👀👀

pain train incoming

💔— What could their partner do that would absolutely break their heart?

🚪— What would kill their trust in their partner/close them off? Could this ever be amended?

(these two go together in my opinion)

If Azul got the courage up to show his partner his cecaelia form and they reacted negatively, he would be heartbroken. There's a reason he still hates the way he looks and he thought that they were going to be accepting. Maybe they just aren't the one...

If Jamil's significant other confessed that they actually had feelings for Kalim instead it would cause irreparable damage to his heart. If it had been anyone else it would have stung, but to hear Kalim's name come out of their mouth was just solid proof that he would never get out from underneath that idiot's shadow.

🥀— How well would they handle a break up?

I think that Azul would compartmentalize things and take it relatively well, actually. He would handle it like a business deal, asking you where he went wrong in a way that made it sound like he was asking for his year-end review. Once you part ways he continues on like nothing happened for a couple days. However, there's only so long a person can go without feeling their feelings, and only so much room for work before you reach a breaking point. He will sob at his desk when he reaches this point and then misses class for a week before the twins drag him out.

Jamil would also compartmentalize and focus on work to distract himself, however I think that he would deny the breakup at first, not understanding what you're talking about. How could he be getting broken up with? You were in love, or so he thought. He was only a teen, but Jamil's mind had created scenarios of married life with you, far away from the Al-Asims and The Land of The Hot Sands entirely. You were his escape, his life, his love. He might get indignant about the whole thing, refusing to understand what you're talking about.

But when it finally hits him, he shuts down. He doesn't speak to anyone, but continues on like normal. He pretends you never existed. It was easier this way, easier to move on, he told himself. But the worried looks Kalim and the basketball club gave him in passing made him think twice. It wasn't until he looked at his reflection, gaunt and lifeless, that he realizes that he needs to take time for himself and process things.

⛈— How often do they get emotional? Are they open with their partner about it?

☔️— What are they like when they’re emotional? How quickly do they recover?

(i'm covering these guys together!!)

Once Azul trusts you completely he'll be more forthcoming with his emotions, though it took ages for you to get past his posturing showman's exterior. It's difficult to allow yourself to be emotional when your genuine distress was dismissed as you being dramatic or a crybaby during childhood, so when you finally seen his tears, it's a breaking point of emotional exhaustion. You see, despite no one at NRC doubting his power and reach, Azul works tirelessly to prove himself. Though it seems he's trying his hardest to live up to some unattainable standard he's set for himself rather than proving himself to others.

This kind of stress can lead to him leaning on your shoulder in private, sighing deeply before he finds himself soaking your shoulder with his tears. Never again will he allow others to tease him about being a crybaby so you're the only one that can see him like this.

I feel like Azul also has the potential to be a sap when he's down bad for someone, so if you kiss him in intimate places like his pulse points, he melts. His eyes soften, his brows knit together, and if you look close enough, you can see his bottom lip tremble slightly as the feelings of love become a bit too much for him to process.

Once he's had his cry and the worst is over, he sighs and then falls asleep for a good nap. Once he wakes up, it's like nothing ever happened.

Jamil is a different story. From a young age, Jamil realized that whatever he felt didn't really matter because his needs would always come second to Kalim. He wasn't a slave, but with the way his family operated and idolizes the Al-Asims, Jamil was placed in a position much lower than others in matters of importance. So for all intents and purposes, Jamil shut off his emotions. He became reserved and got his frustrations out through other outlets - cooking, dancing, and (in my opinion) working out.

Jamil was hesitant to allow himself to get into a relationship in the first place. Relationships were a liability should he get the ideas of autonomy, and to be frank, if he loved you, he wouldn't want you to to be subjected to his fate. However, you got through. Bit by bit, you made your way through his defenses and slowly, he let you see the broken and damaged bits he hid away.

All at once you saw the resentment of a childhood taken away, the anger boiling under the surface, and as time passed you could start to tell what his mood what just by the glint in his charcoal eyes.

Once he trusts you completely and you're alone together, he rants and complains and punches pillows, showing you his anger. When you place a gentle hand on his arm, he flinches, takes a breath and apologizes for forgetting himself. But you assure him that you don't mind and that's the first time you see him cry. He cries out of thanks, out of love, and out of necessity - it's been too long. As long as you're patient with him, he will be able to work on expressing his emotions in a healthy manner.

Master of squashing his emotions, Jamil can turn them off like a light switch. He can feel his anger rising and then suddenly he's calm again. After having a long cry, he gets embarrassed and flustered, but he feels better. Will probably also go take a nap.

🔪— How would they react to injury/misfortune befalling their partner? Do they feel at fault?

Azul will regret not having been with you when something happens, but he quickly rectifies the situation by having the twins do a little recon work. If they figure out what, or who, caused the issue, he will have them taken care of without letting you in on the plan, so as not to upset you.

If it wasn't a situation that could be fixed with Floyd's brute strength, then Azul might fluster a bit. He can't keep you under surveillance to keep you safe and he's already blackmailed everyone in charge to be sure that every building was in accordance with Twisted Wonderland's version of OSHA regulations.

He would get anxious to the point of an upset stomach at the thought that maybe he truly was powerless if he couldn't keep you safe and unharmed. The thoughts would plague him.

Jamil would react one of two ways. 1) if it was a non-threatening issue that simply upset you or gave you some scrapes, he would poke fun at you for being clumsy or careless. Or 2) if it was something on a grander scale, say a broken bone, he would chastise you to an almost insulting degree before he begrudgingly takes you to the nurse. He would feel guilty afterward for being rude to you, but it was his first response to the panic that gripped his heart. He would apologize with a hearty meal and by listening to whatever boring story you wanted to tell him that he would normally drift off during.

Scratch that, there's a third way. If it wasn't injury that befell you, but hard times financially with your family or what-have-you, then he would truly panic. He family was okay by their standards, but he wasn't in a position to help you. He would become irritated and would pace around his room, tossing ideas around. If it were severe enough, he would consider sucking up his pride and asking Kalim, who he knew adored you and would do anything for you. But the idea left a bitter taste in his mouth.

💧— Random angst headcanon

Jamil breaks up with you before graduating because he doesn't want you to be sucked into his lifestyle until he can create a better situation for you. But when he finds you again, you've already moved on. It's for the better, he tells himself.

Azul is consistently worried that you secretly think that he's slimy and gross, whether physically or personality-wise. Sometimes he gets bitchy because it makes him so anxious.

that was a lot, but if you want to send in an ask, here's the prompt list!

#twst #twst hcs #twisted wonderland #azul ashengrotto #jamil viper #my writing #my headcanons #asks

[that-good-trash]

I’m Not Okay- Chapter Three Midoriya x reader/ Bakugou x reader

Izuku Midoriya x reader/ Katsuki Bakugou x reader

Summary: You have struggled with mental health your whole life so why can’t you seem to get it under control. Will you be able to keep the same mask even though two of your classmates have seen under it?

Warnings: Depression, Mentions of suicide, Self harm, Angst, Anxiety, OOC Uraraka.

Word count: 5,015

Comment: This took so much time and I’m sorry its so long and I apologize in advance if it feels rushed and for any grammar/spelling errors. Thank you for reading and following the story this far. I have one more chapter and then two endings. 

Ps. In case you needed to hear this, You matter!

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A week

A week had passed since you broke down on the shower floor while gripping Bakugou’s hand for dear life. The memory itself would always be burned into the back of your head, his words playing on loop every time you felt a panic attack coming. You weren’t cured or anything, it wasn’t like his words were a vaccine for sadness and now you couldn’t feel it. You still felt like the ground was going to give any second and that your chest was running out of room for your lungs. His words had become a way to anchor yourself to reality. When the world was falling apart and you felt stupid for feeling that way you heard him telling you it was okay that this was happening even though it really wasn’t okay. Even he wished that you hadn’t taken his words as some kind of excuse to say that it was okay that this was happening to you. His words really were meant to let you know you were allowed to be sad and feel miserable without having to fear judgement. You were struggling to use his words properly. Instead finding it easier to break down and say that it was okay that you were broken and that the world never felt stable to you and that you wished if it was going to swallow you up it would do so already.

You found comfort in Bakugou’s words and his company. He had started making extra food for himself in the morning and leaving you a plate. You hadn’t seen much of him in the morning since he was taking his training serious again and going for morning runs. While you ate in the morning usually Mina kept you company, a few days Midoriya silently sat with you. He wasn’t mad at you for snapping at him. He was worried about your mental health and you knew that he wouldn’t pry or push anymore. He just didn’t want you to feel alone even if the only way he could help was to sit with you while you ate. Both boys were there for you in different manners. It felt wrong for you to enjoy anything let alone to enjoy two different peoples attempts at helping you. You felt like you were using them, that somehow you must have gained a quirk that involved manipulation. There just wasn’t a good enough reason you could find on why they were still here for you. Midoriya still gave you the teachers lodge to eat in and even if he wasn’t in the room a single sandwich was always left along with a bottle of water. Bakugou made sure to have extra food for you every morning and during every training session watched you carefully to make sure you weren’t pushing yourself. As much as this was any girls dream it made you feel pathetic and even more like a prisoner to yourself, they were the guards waiting for a breakdown so they could wrap you up in white and toss you into a padded room.

---------------------------------------------------

“L/N I’ve noticed that you haven’t been joining the rest of the class for evening activities. You have missed three movie nights, two dinners with board games, and one group training session. I know these things aren’t mandatory but it is strange to not have you in attendance.” The way Iida spoke was beyond proper. You knew that he didn’t always speak like this but it was weird to hear a teenager speak like a strict parent. If anyone else had pointed out your behavior this week you would have shrunk in on yourself. You would have felt ashamed. You couldn’t feel that way with Iida since he was like this with everyone. For months he had scolded and questioned Bakugou on his antisocial behavior so him acting this way toward you was a normal occurrence.

“Sorry Iida, I’ve just been busy with studying.” Lie number 1, instead of studying you actually took the movie nights as opportunities to cry without anyone hearing you.  “I also have been having a late lunch so I haven’t been hungry for dinner.” Lie number 2. You hadn’t been eating unless it was breakfast from Bakugou or lunch from Midoriya. Beyond those meals you didn’t eat. “I’ve miss you guys as well.” You know that he hadn’t mentioned missing you but you felt like it was implied. You were telling the truth. You did miss your classmates. You all were different yet still shared so much and had a lot in common. You loved all your classmates, maybe not Mineta. If you could go back to how things were, before your mind completely betrayed you, then you would be much happier. Secluding yourself was becoming a way of torturing yourself more than a way to hide from involving other people in your issues.

“You don’t have to miss us. We are here for you; you just have to involve yourself.” Iida didn’t mean anything negative and yet you felt like he was blaming you for not participating. He wouldn’t be wrong. You couldn’t blame anyone else since you were the only thing keeping yourself from a healthy relationship with your fellow classmates. Your expression had changed from vacant to downcast. Hopelessness had contaminated your air supply. You were breathing in negative thoughts and exhaling nurturing ones.

The food that you had almost finished was no longer appetizing. You push it away and when no one is looking you dump it into the trash and toss the napkin atop it so no one would know you hadn’t finished. Well more like so Bakugou wouldn’t know. It was a Saturday morning that had no classes or responsibilities for you all to attend to. Bakugou had left around 6am for his run and it was now 8 with him no where in sight. You weren’t waiting for him to return, though apart of you liked when he would come back and shove your shoulder before going off to shower. He always smelled like caramel and his hands were always hot when he would push them against your shoulder. You shook your head trying not to think about Bakugou. Your eyes roamed over to the couches that held groups of your classmates. You knew you needed some grounding or else you would fall apart and this Saturday would be spent locked away in your room.

“Hey have you guys seen Midoriya.” You awkwardly stood in front of Asui, Uraraka, Todoroki, Yaoyorozu, and Tokoyami. They had been in the middle of some kind of conversation that the girls seemed more vocal during. The boys stared at you blankly while the girls looked amongst each other before turning their attention back to you with varying expressions. You instantly regretted asking and turned to leave when no one answered right away. Before you could flee Todoroki spoke up.

“He left this morning around the same time as Bakugou. I’m sure I heard him mention something about personal training.” Todoroki was always straight to the point. You internally thanked him for answering without questioning your intentions. However, before you could get away Asui spoke.

“Why are you looking for Midoriya?” Now all eyes are on you again. How could you tell them that you just needed someone to be near you that wouldn’t ask questions? Someone who would relax you without having to do anything other then just sit by you. You had grown accustom to his calming presence and none judgmental personality. No matter how many times you had flown off the handle or ignored his wishes for you to open up he was still there offering you his shoulder or a safe space to breathe. A place to breathe sounded really nice at the moment.

“I was gonna ask him a question regarding a homework assignment.” It was a terrible lie, not because you didn’t sound convincing but because anyone could help you with homework. There was no reason you would have needed his specific help. Even with your confidence gone everyone was pleased with your answer. Almost everyone, Uraraka seemed skeptical as did Todoroki but he wouldn’t pry. You waited another uneasy second in case anyone else wanted to question you. Once it felt safe you turned ready to leave.

“Wait Y/n! Us girls are having a sleepover tonight. Were gonna kick the boys out of the common room and watch movies, maybe gossip, do each other’s hair. You should join us. I know you’ve been busy studying but I think it would be a good idea to take a break.” Yaoyorozu beamed with pleasure. She appeared happy to invite you and she seemed to really want you to join your classmates. She wasn’t wrong when she said you needed a break. You needed to get away from yourself, this was your ticket to do that. A free excuse to not lay in bed lifeless while raging wars behind your eyes.

“Actually, I think id like that. Thank you.” The gentle smile the graced your lips caught everyone’s attention. It was very rare to see a smile on your face these days. Had Mina been here she would have tackled you into a hug and showered you in compliments. The black and green haired girls seemed excited but the brunette seemed to show a different emotion. You would have tried to figure out exactly what one but you had to go spend the day mentally preparing yourself for a girl party. You waved bye leaving them back to their conversation you had previously interrupted. A tiny pep in your step, you felt like a tiny child who had been invited to a sleepover at a friend’s house. Maybe you didn’t need Bakugou or Midoriya today. Maybe you could take care of yourself, make the voices cease. Your smile remained as you took the elevator up to your room to get ready for the rest of the day.

-------------------------------------

You had been productive. To normal people that wasn’t a feat but with you it was a miracle. You had been so excited about actually hanging out with people that you been overcome with energy. You cleaned your room and lugged all your laundry downstairs to wash. You had even played your not sad music playlist while you did homework. You actually finished assignments that weren’t due yet. This was progress but more importantly you weren’t crying or wishing for death to take you. You had kept the same smile on for the whole day. At one point when you gathered your dry laundry to take upstairs you had partaken in a conversation between yourself, Sato, and Sero. You had even laughed wholeheartedly. You wanted so badly to run off to Bakugou or Midoriya and tell them all about how well you were doing, like how a child runs to their parents to show off a gold star and show how they did a simple task. You wanted Bakugou to pat your head or Midoriya to get excited with you. You didn’t seek them out. Instead you kept this happiness within yourself afraid that if you let it out then it wouldn’t stay.

“Okay you got this. No breaking down, no running away, and NO dissociating.” You stood in the mirror with that ‘other girl’ reading her the rules. You had to tell her because if you didn’t then you’d forget. It was a pep talk with regulations. You looked over yourself as your reflection mimicked you. Your hair was casual and styled in the way you like it. Your outfit wasn’t revealing, instead was comfortable and modest. A pair of sweats and a black camisole made a simple enough pair of pjs. You lifted a small bag of personal items pulling the strap onto your shoulder. Even though you were still going to be in the same building as your room you decided to take some items with you so you wouldn’t have to come back for them. A small blanket you’ve had since you were a child was folded neatly on the bottom. Your favorite stuffed animal sat on top the blanket. You also had a bottle of aspirin in case of a headache form social overstimulation. A few other items like a brush and phone charger sat inside the bag as well. You were dressed, packed, and ready to go have fun; or at least try.

With a smile on your face and chest tightening from the sheer adrenaline of doing something out of the ordinary you left your room and headed to the elevator. You pass Momo’s room and knock. After no reply you assume, she must be downstairs already which makes you even more eager. The elevator takes you down to the third floor where the door opens to let Ojiro in. You give him a small wave which he returns. The doors are about to close but you stop them when you hear multiple girls’ voices. Not just the two girls who dorm on this floor, more than that. Curiosity gets the better of you leading you to step out of the elevator after a small goodbye to Ojiro. You creep up to Jirou’s door trying to convince yourself that there isn’t a reason to be secretive. You push your back against the wall next to her slightly open door. You heard Hagakure’s voice along with Momo’s. Jirou laughs about something and your chest tightens. You wondered if you were all supposed to meet here before going downstairs. You make a move for the door but stop when you are completely sure that your name was mentioned. You move slightly closer to the crack in the door glancing inside without being noticed. You see Uraraka sitting on one of Jirou’s amps. She was the one who had mentioned your name. You could hear what the topic was as she continued.

“I don’t want to sound mean but why did you have to invite Y/n, Momo.” Yes, this could be interpreted as mean but you didn’t want to jump to conclusions just yet. This may just be a misunderstanding.

“I didn’t know Y/n was invited!” Hagakure’s voice sounded excited which brought your smile back.

“Yeah, I invited her. She hasn’t been herself and seemed like she could use some girl time. Also, I know Mina would kill us if we didn’t.” You couldn’t argue with Momo’s logic, Mina was very protective of you.

“You shouldn’t have invited her. She doesn’t even like us. She’s always by herself and when she isn’t, she’s bothering Deku or Bakugou… You guys know how I feel about Deku, I know she must know that I like him. She keeps taking his attention away from us. He used to hang out with Todoroki, Iida, and I during lunch and now he just spends it with her. I bet she isn’t even sad. She’s probably just faking it.”

There was a lot you had to process. For starters you had no idea that Uraraka had a crush on Midoriya and that she felt like you were flaunting his attention. You really tried to avoid talking about it with anyone. You never wanted to hurt anyone or step on any toes and yet here you were having to ease drop to hear how people actually felt. The part that hurt most was her comment about you not liking them. You liked all your classmates, Mineta was still debatable, and you would never want to hurt them. Not once have you thought negative thoughts about any of the girls. If anything, you were jealous of them for having normal lives and functioning social skills. Even then your jealousy wasn’t really jealousy, it was more like resent toward yourself. You willed yourself to be normal or at least try and be nice to everyone when given the chance. You had secluded yourself for so long people took it as a personal jab, an insult. Despite not having done anything wrong you felt remorse. Your brain slowly pulled apart Uraraka’s sentences. Were you really taking Midoriya away from his friends? Iida hadn’t complained when he saw you that morning. Todoroki didn’t mention it when he told you where Midoriya had gone. Were they trying to spare your feelings? You knew you weren’t being selfish because in all honesty you had told him on more than one occasion to leave you alone. Maybe that was a way of manipulation, maybe you said it so he’d run after you. No, you were a lot of things but manipulative wasn’t one of them. The emotions swirling inside halted and moved aside for the worst one to make its appearance. The sour taste came with the emotion. Your fist clenched at your side. How dare she say you weren’t sad. What the hell would she know about sadness. How could she even pretend to know you like that? Your shoulders shook as you gritted your teeth. Anger, seething anger, the kind that you hated feeling. The kind of anger that could destroy lives and friendships if used against people. You begged in the back of your mind for this to stop. For your chest to untighten and fist to unclench. Your begging fell on deaf ears. A war between your reason and anger never ended well.

As you tried to calm down other voices spoke up. You couldn’t make out what they said but you wanted so desperately for someone to defend you. You wanted someone to see that you weren’t a bad person, just broken and miserable. You never meant to make anyone else miserable. A tear slowly drifts down your cheek. You don’t wipe it away because you’d rather be sad then angry. The elevator dings bringing your attention away from your ‘friends’ bedroom and to the opening doors. Ojiro walks out, now holding a drink and he’s with Tokoyami. The two boys’ glance at you and you swear there is the slightest hint of pity beyond their eyes. You walk past them and into the elevator before the door can close. You don’t dare look back but instead at the buttons. The internal battle of what button to press. Do you retreat back to your dorm and do exactly what they expect? Should you let Uraraka have her way. Your finger pushes into the 1. You weren’t going to run away, you promised you wouldn’t.

“Y/n!!!” Mina’s voice cut through any thoughts you were having as the elevator door opened. She had been waiting for you to arrive. Sitting on the arm of the couch was Kaminari, who was chatting with Kirishima. The two boys looked over at you when Mina exclaimed your name. They smiled at you while moving away from the couch. Mina had sprung off the sofa and was across the room in seconds, her arms around you with the biggest grin.

“I’m so happy that you’re joining us tonight.” Her grip loosened when you started laughing at her glee. She pulled away looking you over. You covered your chest with your arms feeling slightly self-conscience. She yanked your arms down squealing about how cute your lazy simple outfit was. You realized you could literally have come down in a trash bag and she’d love it.

“Mina you gotta let go of me, we are literally blocking the elevator.”

“Yeah you are.” The bubbly voice couldn’t hide the slight irritation it came out with. You stumbled out of the way awkwardly with Mina still clinging onto you. Mina raised a brow at the way the words were spoken. You were so thankful that Mina’s reaction verified that the words were rude and it wasn’t you just exaggerating. You both watch as Uraraka leaves the elevator walking toward the couch with three others behind her.

“What was that all about?” Mina isn’t as cheerful when she questions the gravity girls’ attitude. Even Kaminari raises a brow as he and Kirishima approach the elevator. You shrug in response to Mina’s question. You could have told her what you heard but that would just cause drama you didn’t want to deal with.

“Dude what was that about. Talk about cat fight energy. You okay Y/n?” Kaminari was a friend to all woman. He always found a way to be on two sides of a female spat. However right now he seemed actually concerned for you.

“I’m fine. I was in her way. It’s okay.” It wasn’t okay and apart of you wishes that the four of you were hanging out instead. Kaminari nods before getting into the elevator. You reach out and grab his wrist. “Sorry to bother you Denki but what are you guys doing right now?”

“You can’t bother me babe. Kirishima and I are gonna go play some video games with BakuHoe.” You rolled your eyes and the playful smirk on his face and the pet name. His nickname for Bakugou, when said boy wasn’t around, made you sigh. You personally thought it was tasteless but he thought he was hilarious so you let it slide. A part of you really wanted to join them instead especially now that Bakugou was involved. “Why Y/n? You wanna come hang with us instead.”

You knew he was trying to make a joke but he literally asked you what you had just been wanting to ask yourself. You didn’t get a chance to reply since Kirishima was closing the elevator mentioning something about Bakugou getting tired of waiting. You lost your chance to escape. Now you were being pulled to the couches that were covered in pillows and blankets. Everyone was sitting around or on the couches talking about shit you didn’t care about. Your stomach was hurting and you felt isolated even thought you were sitting against Mina. The words and conversations moved around and through you but never were directed at you. No one seemed to care that you were quiet. Even your best friend was talking and animatedly story telling leaving you in the background.

Your savior came in the form of pizza and a movie. You only ate one slice while everyone else ate two or three. The movie was boring to you or at least the pieces you caught were. You watched everyone else more than the screen. Yaoyorozu was playing with Jirou’s hair while watching the movie intensely. Jirou looked bored but you could see that she was watching just as intensely as Momo. You couldn’t tell what Hagakure’s expression was but her clothing made it seem like she was watching. You could hear everyone’s comments and reaction sounds. Somehow this was fun to them and agony to you. At some point you had drifted off only to be woken up by Mina. You wished she had just let you sleep. The girls were suggesting games to play. Truth or dare was chosen and you were now hyper aware of everything going on. Truths and dares were being tossed around and you couldn’t escape. Thankfully it started light hearted and childish. You had to admit an embarrassing childhood memory for a truth and for a dare you had to text a picture of a banana to Kaminari asking his size preference. It was fun and everyone was enjoying it, but things had to change. It wasn’t going to stay fun and playful. Soon things got into crushes and relationships, something you thought you’d be safe from. Mina talked about an ex, Asui had to call Tokoyami and say a pick up line, Momo mentioned Todoroki a few to many times for it to be a coincidence. Jirou texted the group chat that she was Bi, Hagakure snuck into the boy’s bathroom and stole Ojiro’s hair brush. It was Uraraka’s turn, she chose dare trying to escape the awkwardness of having to admit anything embarrassing.

“So Uraraka, I dare you to text your crush and ask if they like anyone and ask who.” It was meant to prove to Uraraka you were no threat. You knew that Yaoyorozu meant well and hell you wanted for it to prove that you weren’t some kind of homewrecker. She was the deepest color red that you’d every seen her. The girls were hyping you up and Mina was squealing from excitement. You waited with bated breath. You didn’t know what she texted but she asked Midoriya if he had a crush on someone. A ding catches everyone’s attention as they move closer to Uraraka waiting for the response.

“HE LIKES SOMEONE!” More cheers and giddy squeals. She asks who it is and waits. Would he really tell her if he liked her? You didn’t need to ask because the dark shadow that passes over her face as she reads the response give it away. She is turning red from a mix of anger and embarrassment. Her eyes finish moving across her screen and look up making contact with your own. Your heart stops and you really wish you hadn’t joined the party. She stands up and throws her phone into your lap. You look down and read it.

[Please don’t tell anyone but I like Y/n.]

So much for not telling anyone, the phone is grabbed from your lap so Jirou can read it. She lets out a low whistle at the drama about to occur. Momo is trying to settle Uraraka down, trying to get her to not explode. Mina looks at you with confusion. She doesn’t understand why everyone is upset since you didn’t do anything wrong. Momo fails to stop Uraraka who stomps up to you. You look up from your lap and stare into her blood shot tear filled eyes. You knew the look well because you had worn it every night. How did today start with Iida wishing you’d participate more to you being scorned.

“You did this. You somehow convinced him that your worthy of him. I don’t know what kind of trash you told him but you aren’t special. You aren’t better than any of us. You are nothing. You don’t talk to anyone like you’re to cool for our class. You don’t eat food with us like some kind of princess not wanting to eat with commoners. I see the way you look at us. Like we don’t matter. You are horrible. You have him convinced your sad or helpless but you aren’t your mean and heartless. If you were sad you wouldn’t be here. You’d go away.” Her tone fluctuated to angry, sad, bitchy, the volume going up and down. The words. Oh god the words ate at the shields you had put up earlier. You felt your skin chip away and you were exposed. Your eyes were quick to fill with tears but you wouldn’t let them fall. Your chest was tight and you hadn’t tried to breathe in fear that you would be yelled at for doing so. You had been in fights or caught the bad end of someone’s shitty day before but this. This was so much more than a bad day. This was something she had been thinking and brewing. Uraraka tore you apart because you had ‘stolen’ from her. The words were bullets ripping into your skin causing wounds that couldn’t easily be fixed. She told you things that you only heard inside your mind. Things that shouldn’t have hurt because you had become so used to yourself saying them. This wasn’t painful because you disagreed. It was painful because you hated yourself more than she could. You thought things that would make therapist cry. The only thing that could come out was an apology as you stood up.

“I’m sorry that you feel hurt. I’m sorry for what you think I’ve done. I fuck everything up. You’re right Uraraka I shouldn’t be here.” It happened so fast but you had left. You ran even though you promised you wouldn’t. You ran outside ignoring the yells of your name. The thing you hadn’t realized was the blood the dripped down your arm. They had witnessed how deep you dug your nails into your arm. They watched you yank your hand downward causing the nails to piece and slit the skin. They all yelled your name and witnessed the life leave your eyes. You were gone into the darkness of the night with only one thought in your mind. You were useless, you were garbage, you ruined everything so why would you stay. You needed the pain to stop. You knew where to go. The school buildings stood off in the distance. The roof calling your name.

Mina and Jirou rushed to Bakugou’s room banging violently. He was furious when he opened the door but stopped his explosion when he saw the tears in Mina’s eyes and the panic in Jirou’s. She didn’t even need to tell him that it involved you but she did. She explained what happened and as much as he watched to kill Uraraka he fled the building into the darkness to stop you. He had tears of frustration and fear in his eyes.

“You better be okay.”

He growled the words into the dark street as he ran to the campus. Asui and Momo told Midoriya what had happened. He stared at the girls blankly. He knew what bullying felt like and he’d never wish that on anyone. He couldn’t believe that Uraraka had done this but he didn’t have time to be mad or confused. He left his dorm yelling for them to call Mr. Aizawa and explain the situation. He didn’t know where he was going to find you but wherever you were headed you had a terrible plan and he couldn’t let you go through with it.

“I’m coming for you Y/n, please don’t do anything reckless.”

Uraraka didn’t do this to you. You had done this to yourself for years. She just gave you the final push you needed. You were so tired and miserable. This was no way to live. Or at least that what you thought as you broke into the school and started up the staircase going to the roof.        

#midorya x reader #bnha #bnha x reader #bnha bakugou #bnha midoriya #mha #mha imagines #mha x reader #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #izuku x reader #boku no hero x reader

[k-rising]

Jaehyun's birth chart analysis

DISCLAIMER: This is just a part of the analysis of the idol’s natal chart, which wants to show a deeper perspective on the idols life. This analysis is carried out thanks to the data that appears in the birth chart. These are my interpretations of the signs and how they work based on my experiences with them. Everyone has different opinions and all interpretation and experiences within is valid. The point of this post is to entertain. [This idol has confirmed his birth time].

Pisces Rising

jaehyun goes with the flow

an a r t i s t

lover of peace

OPEN MINDED

he can be quiet and shy one day and the next one he’s VERY talkative and passionate

soft personality

sees the world the way he wants to see it

making decisions isn’t his strong point tbh

avoids cold, hard facts and harsh realities

doesn’t like organization or structure

heads in the clouds 24/7

has an irresistible charm that comes in a quiet way

SOFT AURA

both his appearance and mannerisms are usually quite intriguing to people

Aquarius Sun (12th house)

again… OPEN MINDED  

values personal freedom !!

any attempt to box him in will fail, tho

VERY STUBBORN

VERY fixed in his opinions

jaehyun is curious

observant

doesn’t like when people are prejudice and bias

very clever

witty

values frankness

he’ll try to encourage his friends to be open and forthright

will treat people equally

being an aquarius makes him quirky and "different”

he also likes having friends who are like that!

tends to avoid the spotlight

even though he’s a public figure, he’ll try to hide his true self

shines when he serves others in some way

Square between Sun and Moon

jaehyun has an internal struggle between his needs and his wants :(

is VERY indecisive

questions himself often

he’s always aware of the opposing point of view

Opposition between Sun and Lilith

there’s a self-destructive side to him that should be managed by confronting his fears

Taurus Moon (2nd house)

calm

familiarity is important in this position !!

building a solid and comfortable home helps him to feel safe

DON’T TRY TO PUSH JAEHYUN INTO DOING SOMETHING HE DOESN’T WANT

STEADINESS

as I said before, tends to avoid messy or unpredictable situations, crises, and emotional displays

focusses on creating a reliable and secure life around him

VERY ROMANTIC

his affections are strong and deep

he’s sentimental and warm

tends to protect himself and his own interests

jaehyun will rarely make a move without first determining that the other person feels the same way about him

it takes A LOT to really get to him

he isn’t the most adaptable person when his routine is interrupted

his needs are strong but quite simple at the same time

LOVES LUXURY !!!

jaehyun is loyal and capable

might hold onto people quite tightly

often looking for admiration

can be quite dependent on others for positive feedback

tends to hold back and wait before expressing himself

Square between Moon and Venus

his romantic desires and his emotional needs tend to create tension

he may not know what he wants

uncomfortable with emotions

Trine between Moon and Neptune

good at working with groups

perceived as mysterious and glamorous

very imaginative

may have a victim complex

Aquarius Mercury (12th house)

has a quiet way of stirring others up

very quick to contradict others

offers a different perspective

enjoys intellectual debates

likes practical jokes

raising eyebrows is an habit for this placement too, tho ;)

very fair and objective

jaehyun may have difficulty expressing himself

he doesn’t talk much

speaks when he’s in the mood to do it

discrete

philosophical

he might be an excellent confidante

keeps secrets very well

prefers not to focus on facts

learn best when ideas are presented visually, emotionally or imaginatively

learning to communicate clearly is a challenge for jaehyun

this could help him to end his feelings of guilt, of being misunderstood, and to attracting unpleasant situations

Conjunction between Mercury and Venus

looks on the bright side of life

optimistic

likes beauty, art, travelling

good at talking

he's also good at charming others

Trine between Mercury and Mars

likes debates

has good judgment

very determined

has lots of energy when it comes to work

Conjunction between Mercury and Jupiter

has big ideas

is tolerant

has a strong sense of justice

he also has good judgement

enjoys literature and learning

will be successful socially

Sextile between Mercury and Saturn

is precise or strives to be mentally organized

has the patience to work towards a goal slowly but surely

Conjunction between Mercury and Uranus

perspicacious

ingenious

spontaneous in his friendships

knows how to turn situations around positively

Aquarius Venus (12th house)

he wants people to see him as unique, rebellious and a little provocative ;)

jaehyun is attractive when he’s acting a little aloof, tho

attracted to unusual or unconventional relationships

can appear quite standoffish at times

is threatened by restrictions of any kind

emotional people may be put off by his detached manner in love

he wants people to love him for his intellect !!

jaehyn values lovers who’re also good friends

pleasing jaehyun involves letting him know how interesting he is

he’s very proud of his unique ideas and visions

his partner has to dream along with him

even though he likes being in a relationship, jaehyun also needs his own space

he may have secret love affairs :0

it’s difficult for him to defining his boundaries tbh

but he can get hurt in love rather easily

can also feel used

attracted to people from all walks of life

finds attractive a person who has an unusual background or quirky personality

being openly affectionate and trusting others doesn't seem safe to him at all

jaehyun may feel his love won't be appreciated or it won’t be reciprocated

maybe he has fallen in love with many people who are quite unavailable to him

love and sacrifice is SO important for him

he values self-sacrifice and a giving attitude in a partner

jaehyun can be quite mysterious to people, because he keeps his romantic needs hidden

he isn't punishing himself, it's just that he doesn't feel worthy to be in a public relationship

Trine between Venus and Mars

jaehyun is a PASSIONATE lover

has a strong temperament

is driven by connection and enjoying each other's company

Conjunction between Venus and Jupiter

has good relations with his social circle

jaehyun may fall in love easily

he has a successful professional life :’)

people usually trust him

Conjunction between Venus and Uranus

again, scared of losing his liberty

marriage may not be for him

jaehyun has that little something that attracts others, tho

even though he’s romantic, he’s also a little detached or unpredictable

jaehyun can see through insincerity in others

in relationships, tolerance is the most important thing to him

his sexual preferences can be quite unconventional too

long-distance relationships might attract him

Libra Mars (7th house)

reflects about things before he acts

defends himself and others

has the need to balance everything !!

jaehyun always play innocent when he’s challenged

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

he doesn't want to be mean or unfair

he’s great at solving conflicts

he might like being dominant not only at work, but also in his relationships

there’s also a tendency to take other people’s actions too personally

having a partner makes him feel sure of who he is

jaehyun wants things to be reciprocate

Trine between Mars and Jupiter

jaehyun is jovial, frank and sincere

HE LIKES SPORTS AND DOING OUTDOORS ACTIVITIES

he may have many children or projects and ventures :)

he doesn’t think about failing, even though success isn’t as important to him as enjoyment and happiness

SO COMPETITIVE

Opposition between Mars and Saturn

jaehyun is often attracted to doing something if there are problems attached

likes to overcome obstacles

Trine between Mars and Uranus

impulsive but bold

very open to new methods and different ways of doing things

Trine between Mars and Neptune

his feelings are dominated by wisdom and intuition

likes odd people

can often use a gentle approach to pursuing his desires

Sextile between Mars and Pluto

AMBITIOUS

has a great capacity for work

will stick out with his plans to the end

committed and determined

possibly impatient when his members do things only halfway or half-heartedly

generally confident about his own talents

persistent when pursuing a goal

Aquarius Jupiter (11th house)

attracts good fortune when he is tolerant, fair, impartial and cooperative

wants to show unique perspective or skills

Conjunction between Jupiter and Uranus

he quickly sizes up a situation and knows what's going on at a glance

Aries Saturn (1st house)

he must learn to develop self-confidence

jaehyun can be self-conscious in new situations, especially when young

first reactions to new ideas or plans are somewhat negative

doesn’t speak too much

he doesn’t waste energy unnecessarily

GOOD MEMORY

Aquarius Uranus (11th house)

may get over excited at the start of a task that interests him

his friends can be extravagant, original and intellectual

Sextile between Uranus and Pluto

brings transformation and change into other people's lives

enters others lives unexpectedly and makes an impact

has a creative mind

Capricorn Neptune (11th house)

wants to belong to a group of like-minded people or to connect with a higher purpose

Sagittarius Pluto (9th house)

sexuality and love are idealized

Leo Lilith

VERY provocative, captivating and sexually appealing

jaehyun can get impatient when his needs aren’t satisfied

he may have felt bad for wanting attention or for seeking to be better than others

Virgo North Node (7th house)

his challenge in life is to be proactive and live an orderly and practical life

developing and following healthy and practical routines

needs to develop organization, promptness and pay attention to details

𝐕𝐢𝐫𝐠𝐨 𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐭

likes a partner who has a wry sense of humor

someone who seems organized and analytical

his s/o may bring him an element of groundedness that migh seem attractive for jaehyun

𝐒𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐌𝐂

unique

jaehyun wants a career that allows him to express his individuality and independence

capable of making a mark on his job

always ready to absorb new knowledge

enjoys exploring new ideas

𝐆𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐢 𝐈𝐂

he might like talking to himself a lot

enjoys stimulating conversations with people who are close to him

jaehyun also seeks for mental activities to busy himself with

𝐀𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐮𝐦 (𝟏𝟐𝐭𝐡)

aquarius are known for being social, but with his 12th house stellium it makes him an introvert person

likes isolation

he can also have a pretty short fuse for dealing with people, tho

very sociable, but will isolate himself later

very chill on the exterior, but irritated on the inside

when he gets annoyed you will notice it

might have issues with embracing his emotions

doesn't like talking about how he really feels

tends to rationalize everything !!!

sooooo talented

loves music and arts so much

it takes a long time to fall in love, because he sees everyone in a friendly way

ones he finds the perfect lover, jaehyun will commit

humanitarian

#jaehyun #jung jaehyun #nct #nct 127 #jaehyun astrology #nct astrology #nct 127 astrology #jaehyun analysis #nct analysis #nct 127 analysis

[asubsdarkthoughts]

A note I’ll never send:

Day 1:

I just want to apologize for how I reacted. I overreacted, which was completely inappropriate.

Communication is what makes this work. Communication is a two-way street. You communicated you needed space, which I would like to point out that you did not provide a reason to why you needed your space. A family emergency is a completely valid reason to need space. But that was not communicated until this morning when you called me.

Since a reason to why you needed space was not communicated, I began to create reasons in my head as to why you needed your space. My minds a dark place. My anxiety causes my thoughts to spiral. So I spiraled out of control. It is something I am actively working on in therapy to control. I know I have a problem, and I’m working on fixing it so I can have healthy relationships moving forward in my life.

I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. I can attach myself to people very quickly, especially if I trust them. Then I become co-dependent on them to fulfill my needs. My emotional needs. I am fulfilled when I am of service to others, when I help others. I also need constant reassurance that I am needed, that I am wanted, that I am loved. As well as numerous other issues I can list out. That’s one of the reasons why a D/s relationship is appealing to me.

I’m a mess, I need structure. I’m out of control, I need someone to control me. Hold me down. Keep me sane. Calm my racing thoughts. And that’s what your dominance does for me. It calms me. I don’t have to think anymore. I don’t have to make decisions. You make the decisions. You tell me what to do. You take control so I don’t have to. Because let’s face it, I’m not the best at having control.

Because I have a tendency to be codependent I internalize other peoples behaviors and words. So when you stop responding to me, or tell me that you need space, what I begin to think is that you no longer need me. I think that I’m not good enough for you. I think that you’re ending things. I think that you don’t want to be in my life anymore. I think that there was something I did that made you need space. I think that I fucked up. I think that I opened up too much and I scared you away. I think that it’s all my fault.

Hence the lengthy emotionally charged, deeply insecure message I sent. I woke up, hungover from drinking way too much the night before. I went out and tried to find strength at the bottom of the bottle, but instead I found myself on the floor throwing up. I felt abandoned. My anxiety started building. All the questions in my head left unanswered. Why do you need space? What is going on? Why won’t you talk to me? Why can’t I help?

Then my insecurities kicked in and I was like why are you doing this to me? Because codependent people internalize others actions and self-criticize themselves which lowers our self-esteem. But you didn’t do any of that. That was all me, that was all in my head. And that’s what I am working on in therapy to stop doing. Stop internalizing. Stop blaming myself. Stop overthinking. Stop exaggerating. Stop turning small things into big things.

This relationship with you is helping me with all of that. Although you’re in control, I am becoming more independent - emotionally. Or at least I’m trying.

You’re unable to provide the emotional support I need, or rather what I want. I want more emotionally support than I need - because I’m codependent. I’m essentially trying to train myself to be less codependent on others to fulfill my emotional needs. You cannot fulfill them, therefore I am training myself to not need seek it from you. Now, that’s not to say I don’t want you to be there for me when I need you. Because your presence calms me. All you provide me with is all I need from you. Because it fills this other need. The subspace.

I should have respected your space. I shouldn’t have pushed. But my insecurities got the best of me. I kept trying to push them down but they slipped past my lips and through my fingertips where I expressed them in a very inappropriate manner. I am ashamed of the way I reacted when you communicated a need to me and I failed to respect that. I hope you can forgive me.

Typically when people tell me they need space, they leave me. I never understood why. I was always left trying to deal with my insecurities and emotions and I just never learned how to process those feelings in a healthy manner.

I stay with people I shouldn’t be with because I am afraid of being alone. I’ve been hurt and left so many times so I put up walls to protect myself. When I let those walls down, when I let people in, I become very vulnerable. When people I let it begin to drift, pull away, leave, etc. I freak out. Because my reasoning is: I let another person in and they hurt me. Everyone is just going to hurt me. Everyone is going to leave me. I get all these negative thought distortions. My therapist actually called me out on it. I told her everyone leaves me. Well, that’s not a truthful statement at all. Not everyone leaves. There’s a lot of people who are still in my life, people who Qi have been in my life for years. But because I was adopted, my birth parents “left me”. My dad “left” when my parents got divorced, but he never left me. My mom “left” for months at a time every year to go to Portugal. So I internalize that. So I create these thought distortions that everyone’s going to leave me. So when you said you needed space, the way I process information in my brain is “oh, he’s leaving me.” Then the spiral of negative thought distortions begin.

When you said you needed space without providing me with a reason, I’m left to make up my own. When I ask if you’re still my Dom and you don’t reply. I’m left to believe you no longer want to be my Dom. So I spiral, and I don’t stop. I tried to drown the thoughts out with alcohol. That didn’t work. I got so drunk I embarrassed myself. I had to have my best friend come pick me up and drive me home because I was so impaired I couldn’t make it home myself. And that’s MY fault. And I’m working on not resorting to coping that way. Next time I won’t react like that. Next time I won’t go out and get wasted. Next time I’ll stay home and journal, next time I’ll get really high and paint. Next time I’ll call my friends up. Next time I’ll utilize healthier coping strategies and also next time I will work harder to fight off these negative thought distortions.

Day 2:

My therapist gave me an assessment this morning. The results stated there is a high probability that I have borderline personality disorder. Fuck. It all makes sense now. Especially the way I reacted.

Day fuck yoou

I was vulnerable with you. I trusted you. The trust has been broken. You broke it. I don’t know what you will need to do to gain it back. Knowing myself you just need to say sorry and I will get down on my knees. Because you ensnared me in your trap. You reached into my chest and ripped out my soul. I presented it to you, and you tossed it on the ground, like it was garbage.

Change needs to occur for this to work. I don’t think you’ll be able to provide that. You wrapped me up in the mess that encapsulates your life.

Right now I need someone who I can give complete control to. If you cannot handle that responsibility then I can no longer call you my dom.

I will always care about you. You have a special place in my heart and I will probably always do anything you ask me to do for you, because I will always give you control. Because you mesmerize me. You always will.

But I need more. I’m hurting. I’m in so much pain. And I need to heal. I need to do what is best for me. If you can be a positive person in my life, if you can be supportive, than i can keep you. If you cannot provide any substance to my life than I can not keep you here. I need positive people. I am riding myself of all issues, anxiety.

Decide what you want. Communicate it. If you don’t want me then let’s be friends — in a couple months. Hahah, cuz I don’t like yoou right now. I need to hate you to get over you. Hating yoou is easier than heartbreak.

Day 3:

You can’t handle my submission. Or rather, should I ask you? Can you handle the gift of my submission?

You get the weekend you figure it out. After that I will make the decision.

I miss you so much I just want to hate you. Not talking to you is eating up inside

I just want to sit in your lap and have the whole world around me disappear. Because I’m your arms I am safe. In your presence no one will hurt me.

I would like to think that you’ll always care about me. I fantasize running into you at the bar. I’ll have moved on at that point. And you’ll be watching me, as I make my way across the room, and we’ll smile and maybe exchange words. I like to imagine the thoughts racing through your head at that moment. About how much you miss me, how much you want me. I like to imagine that inside you’re slowly dying because you realize you let the best thing ever just walk away. How you fucked it all up. Because honey, I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my fault.

With love,

K.Sway

#bd/sm blog #daddysgirl #a letter to my dom #a letter i'll never send #writing #original content #my writing #borderline personality disorder #bpd life

[cadspruces]

psa critters! a reminder on being respectful, because keeping this show and community a safe space matters.

with the return of critical role, the fandom has been a little chaotic to say the least. there’s always a good and a bad in a fandom, but i think as a whole, we’d very much like to keep this fandom a safe and positive place. 

now! this doesn’t mean not expressing your opinions about the show. please do! but please also be mindful of if you’re sharing negative opinions on a character that it’s not aimed at their voice actor. same goes for the other way around! if someone is saying something about how they disagree with a character’s actions, they’re totally allowed to have their opinion! if you disagree with what they said, of course you can share your thoughts with them -- in a thoughtful + conversational way, though, instead of in an assertive + argumentative way. let’s just all remember that at the end of the day, we want to keep everything we say to each other (and the cast!) respectful.

critical role is a safe haven for a lot of people, but unfortunately -- like in a lot of other fandoms -- fans getting too deep into their own fanons to the point where they take it upon themselves to invalidate everyone else’s (including the actual cast’s) opinions can easily ruin an otherwise very positive experience and outlet. again! always feel free to have your own personal fanons, theories, opinions on characters, favorite ships, etc. just make sure you aren’t disrespecting/hurting anybody else in the process!

and please, don’t forget that these characters are not under the control of the fandom. they aren’t written in a script, and you do not own them. they’re the cast’s! there’s a big difference between expressing which cast member you think has a pretty cool portrayal of a character, or maybe a not-so-cool portrayal of a character, and actually dictating how a cast member should be playing their character.

at the end of the day, critical role isn’t your typical form of media. it’s a group of friends who’ve created something special together that they love that we all have the privilege of watching to enjoy it with them! it’s absolutely blown up in popularity, yes, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that, at it’s core, it’s a group of friends playing a game. a complex, emotional game that is often hard to remove your own dictations from -- but i urge everyone to continue treating the cast with the utmost respect. they’re talented, but it’s hard to constantly be thinking and performing at your best, especially with so many people holding so many different opinions on their characters and their world. i think we’ve all seen people get very upset over a single sentence that a character said, and i can guarantee that the cast members don’t put nearly as much thought into every single thing they say while in the middle of a high-intensity, fast paced game as the fandom is able to once the episode is out on the internet and allowed to be replayed and completely dissected. i’m not saying that you should treat the cast as faultless, perfect beings, but be understanding that sometimes the way you interpret something is completely different than its original intention, especially if it was said without the time to think about it at all beforehand!

be understanding that no matter how much you love, for instance, a ship, if it doesn’t become canon, it’s something you’ll have to deal with without attacking anybody. perfectly valid to be upset about it! totally feel free to share your thoughts and ideas on the ships you personally like! it all just comes back to doing it in a respectful manner.

thank you for bearing with me through this. a whole lot of this fandom is so, so incredible, and i strongly believe that any negativity that there is here is genuinely coming from a place of passion and love for this show. it just needs to be expressed in a healthy way.

and most importantly, don’t forget to love each other. i’ll see you all thursday. <3

#critical role #mighty nein #psa #jester lavorre #caleb widogast #fjord tusktooth #fjord stone #caduceus clay #nott the brave #veth the brave #veth brenatto #beauregard lionett #yasha nydoorin

[sgmwesters]

╰ ❛ 💉 — › michael b jordan. cis male. he/him. . ╯ have you met benjamin morgan yet ? this thirty five year old sagittarius has been living in the seattle area for three days. he makes a living as an otolaryngology (ent) attending, which is best suited for their protective, empathetic, conflicted, and irrational personality. take me to church by hozier is one of their favorite songs, and they’re written by em, 25, gmt, she/her, no triggers

B A S I C   I N F O R M A T I O N

full name: benjamin joseph morgan.

nickname(s): ben, bj in college.

age: thirty four (34).

date of birth: 26 november 1985, sagittarius.

hometown: manhattan, new york.

current location: seattle, washington.

ethnicity: african-american..

nationality: american citizen.

gender: cis male.

pronouns: he/him.

orientation: ??? idek why i even include this at this point???

religion: atheist.

political affiliation: democrat.

occupation: otolaryngology (ent) attending.

living arrangements: lives alone.

language(s) spoken: english, german.

accent: none.

P H Y S I C A L    A P P E A R A N C E

face claim: michael b. jordan.

hair color: black.

eye color: brown.

height: 6 ft 1.

weight: 188lbs.

build: athletic.

tattoos: none.

piercings: none.

clothing style: scrubs, smart casual otherwise.

usual expression: fairly stern, but he’s a softy deeeeeeep down.

distinguishing characteristics: dimples.

H E A L T H

physical ailments: torn rotator cuff in high school has left his shoulder somewhat fucked.

neurological conditions: none.

allergies: bee and wasp stings.

sleeping habits: fairly good sleep hygiene, sleeps well provided nothing is bothering him (maddie).

eating habits: usually fairly healthy, likes to look after himself.

exercise habits: as above, likes to look after himself.

emotional stability: sits happily at a seven, but has been known to dip in times of stress or emotional turmoil.

sociability: very sociable, likes to be around people.

body temperature: warm.

addictions: none.

drug use: none and is very against its use.

alcohol use: enjoys a drink, but doesn’t need it.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

positive traits: protective, empathetic

negative traits: conflicted, irrational

fears: not being able to keep maddie safe and healthy.

F A V O U R I T E S

weather: is indifferent about the weather.

colour: navy.

music: something with a heavy beat.

movies: the godfather.

sport: boxing.

beverage: fruit smoothie, bourbon.

food: hot dogs.

animal: anything small, soft, and fluffy.

H E A D C A N O N S

benjamin was born as the only child to regina and david morgan, a museum curator and ceo respectively in manhattan.

benjamin was raised in close proximity to his cousin madeleine spencer, to the extent where benjamin considers maddie to be more like a sibling to him than a cousin. this came from both of their parents busy schedules and similar lifestyles which led him to be brought up in this manner.

benjamin would like to think that his parents were happily married, but it was only as he got older that he realised the family set up that he had grown up with as a child wasn’t the same as everyone else’s. nevertheless, he figured that it worked for them as it was, and he still considers himself to have had a good childhood.

spending as much time in the spencer household as he did, benjamin sparked a genuine interest in medicine, looking up to his uncle, madeleine’s father, as a role model and idol for his future career in medicine.

benjamin was athletic in school, actively taking part in boxing and baseball. he hoped from early on in high school that he would be able to get into a good school on a baseball scholarship so he wouldn’t need to focus as hard on his studies, but a torn rotator cuff in his sophomore year quickly killed that dream, and he came to the quick conclusion that he had to get his head in the books.

as much as he would hate to admit it, he knew that his parents pulled a few strings when it came to his offers for college, but the decision ultimately came down to him. during this time he had watched madeleine begin to spiral out of control, the concern for his cousin and arguably best friend only growing with each day that passed.

it was during this time that benjamin turned down the offer from harvard that his father had swindled for him, choosing instead to stay closer to the city in order to be nearby while madeleine got the help she had promised her parents she would get.

he was thankful for this decision as the realisation that she hadn’t been getting help came about following amelia shepherd’s overdose. while madeleine was in rehab, benjamin made a point of visiting her as much as he could, skipping classes if he needed to to make sure that she felt supported. she was basically his kid sister after all.

as madeleine got clean, benjamin took the mcats, scoring high enough to be accepted into john’s hopkins off his own back this time. as madeleine was seemingly doing well, benjamin decided to move that little bit further out, knowing he would be close enough if she needed him to return.

it was during this time that the two established their bi-weekly phone calls, no excuses allowed, his way of keeping an eye on her completely.

benjamin moved that little bit further for his residency to mayo, just as madeleine moved to switzerland for her masters. it made sense, he was happy for her and continued to adjust his schedule to make sure their phone calls went ahead as they needed to, suiting her schedule over his.he would often stay awake until the early hours of the morning just to speak to her.

his residency was fairly smooth sailing, despite a period of switching between services as he was indecisive about what specialty he was going to go into. he had always had his heart set on cardio like his uncle, but it only took one case with the ent attending to have him hooked.

as he came to the end of his fellowship, he debated the idea of having a second specialty (he’s a bit of a show off like that), but a nagging feeling inside of him told him something more important was coming.

his calls with madeleine weren’t like they used to be, years of regularity and consistency seemed to be falling apart, with nothing that he could do from where he was. he wanted to believe that this was part of the recovery, that she didn’t need him the way she used to, but he couldn’t be certain.

the night of amelia’s intervention, benjamin received a frantic phone call from madeleine and he knew then that things were not good. whether she was high or just drunk he couldn’t have been certain at first, it was only as she spoke about everybody leaving her the he snapped into action. she’d fallen off the wagon, and he’d be damned if he was going to stand by and let it happen.

benjamin packed a bag and hopped on the first plane to seattle, ready to hold an intervention of his own if he needs to. as far as he is concerned he’s here for maddie and nothing else.

2 0 2 1    U P D A T E S

turned thirty five cos that’s how birthdays work !!

after maddie decided to get clean, benjamin went with her to new york to ensure she fully embarked on her recovery. as much as seattle had only meant to have been a means to an end for benjamin, he found himself wanting to return.

he’s been keeping a low profile at the hospital, but is just kinda keeping things ticking over. he’s still ben. 

W A N T E D    C O N N E C T I O N S / P L O T S

i know i say they all deserve love but really ben deserves love

friends from med school/residency!!! 

#━━ ✦ 𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐀𝐍 ❮ biography ❯ #newintros

[strvngcrs]

『 adam brody. forty. cis male. he/him. 』 oh heavens, is that DANIEL ABRAMS from FAIR LANE i see roaming around mapleview? minnie may’s always calling them -BROODING & -EVASIVE. i happen to think they’re not that bad! they’re a pretty cool HORROR AUTHOR and every time i’ve seen them, they’ve always been +DEBONAIR & +ELOQUENT. i hope i see them around again! 

classically rolls in ridiculously late bc i forgot i had to work last night & then proceeded to sleep in today wooo !!  good afternoon ghouls, it’s ya girl maia, finally here to deliver the definition of hot mess with good intentions.

GENERAL

FULL NAME.    daniel elijah abrams.

NICKNAMES.    dan, danny.

AGE & BIRTHDATE.    40 years old ; may 4, 1980.

GENDER & PRONOUNS.    cis male ; he/him.

ORIENTATION.    heterosexual.

MARITAL STATUS.    estranged.

RELIGION.    jewish ( non-practicing ).

OCCUPATION.    horror author.

INSPIRATION.     bill denbrough ( it ), donnie darko ( donnie darko ), lucas scott ( one tree hill ), stephen king.

PHYSICAL

HAIR COLOUR.    black.

EYE COLOUR.    dark brown.

BUILD.    athletic.

MARKS.     freckles scarcely spread across his entire body.

TATTOOS.    none.

PIERCINGS.    none.

HEIGHT.    5'11".

FACECLAIM.    adam brody.

PERSONALITY

ZODIAC.    taurus.

ALIGNMENT.    chaotic neutral.

HOGWARTS.    ravenclaw.

LABEL.    the arcane.

POSITIVE TRAITS.    cheeky, debonair, driven, eloquent, resilient, solicitous.

NEGATIVE TRAITS.    brooding, evasive, inquisitive, sarcastic, stoic, stubborn.

HOBBIES.    smokes like a chimney while writing until he forgets what day of the week it is, dabbles in hunting & fishing (thanks @ his dad), labels all crime / thriller genres as ‘predictable’ but continues to watch them, obsesses over & relentlessly criticizes his own work, drinks heavily & passionately plays moonlight sonata or fur elise as if he’s betoven’s disciple.

BACKGROUND

PLACE OF BIRTH.    california.

CURRENT RESIDENCE.    mapleview, north carolina.

NATIONALITY.    american.

ETHNICITY.    ashkenazi jewish.

PARENTS.   judith miller & mr abrams.

SIBLINGS.    mia miller.

BIRTH ORDER.    eldest.

CHILDREN.    penelope abrams.

EDUCATION.     university of california, los angeles; bachelor of arts in english.

LANGUAGES.    english, some spanish & french.

HISTORY

EARLY LIFE.    born to THE judith miller and some newspaper editor, daniel was raised by the latter and notoriously abandoned by the former. well, not completely abandoned - there’s an old shoebox containing a few letters as proof - but that was the only source of communication in their otherwise absent relationship. while little danny boy didn’t fully understand why he couldn’t see his mother, he sought out an alternative solution by watching her movies. his father wasn’t aware, at first, and dan created this extravagant fantasy of the person he thought she was based on the roles she played. however, once papa abrams found out his son was watching these movies (which were probably not fit for children in the first place lmao oop), he begrudgingly revealed the bitter truth. being forced to come to terms with the fact that his own mother willingly abandoned him with his father, daniel didn’t fully understand what it meant; he couldn’t properly process why. the hurt of absent mother was expressed more out of anger, feeling as though there must have been something wrong with him. there were fewer and fewer letters sent to judith until he gave up altogether and thus, dan’s out of control behavior was born.

TEENAGE FEVER.    SUICIDE MENTION TW.  he struggled in school. his emotions betrayed him. instead of relishing a happy childhood, daniel found himself pushing everyone away, getting into fights, sneaking out late at night to run around the city streets with his friends and get into all sorts of trouble with them. he couldn’t count on his hands how many times the police picked him up and brought him to his dad’s doorstep. it only got worse once one of his best friends was found dead, written off as a suicide, though it didn’t add up in dan’s eyes and seemed so much more sinister. the young man was nearly deemed to be a lost cause, until he discovered his passion for writing. 

                                  language arts or literature was the last thing anyone would ever think to group with daniel abrams. but his english teacher noticed how well he could articulate his thoughts and feelings on paper, and submitted one of his pieces to a writing contest, which earned dan the win and a cash prize. bewildered by a talent he hadn’t even realized was in him, daniel embraced it. he started writing in a journal ( which he kept safely tucked away beneath the mattress of his bed ), documenting every feeling and thought as a way to express his emotions in a more productive manner. this talent earned him a full ride scholarship to ucla with a major in literature and plans of diving into some sort or creative writing career or perhaps becoming an english teacher, to follow in the footsteps of his high school teacher who he came to idolize.

                                  mere days into his freshman year, however, his high school sweetheart showed up in the middle of the night at his dorm with a positive pregnancy test. it was then the chaotic world as he knew it turned a new leaf, revealing a silver lining in the form of their daughter, penelope, who daniel hadn’t a clue, just yet, would save him. and so a shotgun wedding was quickly planned around the pair, both families either completely supportive or in utter disbelief. it was quick, it was cheap(ish), and it was stressful as all heck. but they were young, and in love, and were looking forward to starting a family together, despite it being a little earlier than initially planned.

“ADULT”HOOD.    fast forward five years, and they’re signing divorce papers. fortunately, it wasn’t messy. the two had simply grown apart as they matured in their respective ways, and remaining together was only causing a rift to develop between the two. the last thing they wanted, for the sake of their daughter, was built up resentment to tear the little family apart. his wife, who daniel initially thought to be the love of his life, blossomed into an absolute goddess; she was ambitious and knew exactly what she wanted. daniel, on the other hand, was still somewhat caught up in his ‘bad boy’ habits of drinking excessively and his career was still pretty up in the air. the two just didn’t compliment each others’ lifestyles anymore.

                                   daniel moved out but remained in california, settling for a bachelor’s apartment where he was able to have penelope every weekend. during this time, he finally cracked down and worked on finishing a novel he’d started years prior. within a year, he found a publisher who took interest in his grotesque works, and by the time daniel was twenty seven, his first bestseller hit the shelves, changing his life for the better with the ability to provide for his daughter without stress of landing another odd job ever again.

                                   as his fame increased, so did his desire to slink back into the shadows away from the limelight. at first, he enjoyed the wholesome book signings by day and grungy celebratory benders by night. but it grew old pretty fast and he certainly didn’t want to end up as another washed up shmuck. so, on a whim, daniel decided to move out of california completely, removing himself from the toxic lifestyle he’d grown accustomed to and shacking up on a beautiful piece of land in the rocky mountains of north carolina. the serenity and scenery certainly aided in his inspiration, as well as his unacknowledged lowkey addictions slowly being rehabilitated from his bloodstream.

OLD YELLER.    now, in his utmost prime at forty years old, he’s written numerous cult classics, a few of which have successful movie adaptations. he was lucky enough to land himself in a second marriage, though.... that one is now deteriorating as well because he literally doesn’t know how to maintain a healthy relationship. he received full custody of his daughter when she was sixteen, under the unfortunate circumstance of her mother’s untimely death. although they’d been separated for nearly twenty years, daniel was still very much affected by the loss, more so empathetically for penelope. he’s still hooked on the drink, though he’s definitely calmed down quite a bit from when he was a young buck. basically a messy, depressy old soul who uses sarcasm to deflect his true feelings.

CONNECTIONS

ESTRANGED WIFE.    first marriage was a bust, and the second is turning out to be no better. they haven’t hit rock bottom just yet, in his opinion (which would be finalizing a divorce lmao), and he’s unsure if they should work things out or not but also really.......doesn’t wanna go through the process of another divorce. plus he likes her and deep down adores their bickering. the reason(s) why things started falling apart between them can be discussed of course. lowkey debating on whippin this up as a big official wc but.... if anybody already here would like to snag it, i would 100% mclove it.

COLLABORATORS.    literally anyone he’s worked with over the years, whether they be fellow authors, publishers/publicists, journalists, screenplay writers, etc. yeehooo the possibilities are endless !!

FOLLOWERS.    anyone hooked on his books, whether devout fans from his early beginnings or people who newly discovered his fictional writings.

FORMER CLASSMATES.    could be from high school or university, but he was in california for the better part of his life aka not a mapleview native. former friends to foes & anything in between. dan’s that one kid who spiked the punch bowl at all the dances and years later probably snuck in party favors to snort off the bathroom sink during their high school reunion lmao whew !!

ANYTHING.    literally anything. i’m my groggy state of mind on my lack of creativity rn so please, i’m beggin. if daniel can enrich your characters’ lives in any way, shape, or form, hit me up and we’ll hatch a plan.

#———— 🥀 . 𝙳𝙰𝙽𝙸𝙴𝙻 𝙰𝙱𝚁𝙰𝙼𝚂 ╱ DOSSIER . #mv:intro #alcoholism tw #abandonment tw #drug use tw #mommy issues tw #suicide mention tw #i think....that covers it?? if i missed anything pls let me know & ill tag accordingly #this is awful bc i rushed a wee bit buT #HOT DOG am i stupid excited to write with yall

[rivkyschleider]

Annotated Bibliography

Winnicott, D. (1986) Home is where we start from. England: London

In this collection of essays we learn of Winnicott’s key teachings, presented to a lay audience.  He explains attachment theory, the ‘good enough environment’, the contribution of the Mother to society, adolescence and the relationship between the individual and their facilitating family group.  He explores concepts of health versus illness through his lens as a psychoanalyst in addition to to his medical background.  It is extremely helpful to see how foundation concepts of personality, the very make up of human emotional development can be applied to such a variety of cultural topics such as monarchy, the Pill and mathematics.  He brings clarity to these issues and offers me a model for applying depth of insight about the subconscious and the effect of early childhood environment on later life.  By uncovering gaps or repression in the individual’s psyche the psychotherapist can facilitate milestones of developmental progress, albeit at a later stage of maturation.

Yalom, I. (2002)  The Gift of Therapy.  US: HarperCollins

This is a handbook of 85 tips and instructions built upon 35 years of clinical practice and teaching.  He paints a picture of a therapist in a way that inspires me to rise to the challenge of training and the ongoing character growth that is so crucial to this profession.  He promotes curiosity, humility and transparency, and breaks away the the image of the therapist as an all-knowing provider of interpretations, or a blank canvas to absorb transference.  He gives a practical guide for mining the here-and-now aspects of the therapeutic encounter to further the process of therapy.  He describes tools  for incorporating the therapist’s own feelings into the mix as well as how to explore dream material, how to take a history and how to look at their present; how their daily life is organised and peopled.  He writes with deep pride on the privilege of helping others find meaning, health and joy.

Skynner, Cleese (1983)  Families and how to Survive Them  London: Vermilion

This was a a whistle-stop tour through all the major themes of child development, identity, attraction, relationships and family dynamics written as a conversation between Robin Skynner, a psychotherapist and John Cleese his former patient.  They discuss the continuum that exists with optimally healthy families at one end; dysfunctional families with inter-generational problems at the other; and the “normal” families in the middle in which we see an expected mix of ‘screened off’ feelings alongside coping mechanisms, defenses and social norms to smooth the way.  Skynner draws on Freudian ideas as well as later work by more recent therapists and analysts who looked at how families work as a system.  Each part affects all other parts of the system.  By considering inter-relationships through the eyes of a typical family we can learn about letting go of inherited mistakes and move forward to optimal family life.

Van Der Kolk, B. The Body Keeps the Score, United Stares: Penguin

This book is about how trauma impacts a person causing long term suffering to victims, their families and future generations.  Using scientific methods such as brain scans and clinically sound investigations, Van Der Kolk looks at how the mind and body are transformed by traumatic events; how neural networks are formed as coping mechanisms and may later morph into unwanted behaviours.  This is followed by a paradigm of treatment that seeks to give individual patients ownership of their narrative, their bodies and a route to self awareness and healing.  Yoga, EMDR, neurofeedback and theater are offered as examples of pathways to recovery and I believe that art therapy is another good candidate for an embodied type of therapy, one that does not rely on talking alone.  This book answered questions about my own pattern of mild symptoms and has opened up the whole field of mind/body connection in relation to trauma and healing.

Axline, V.M. (1964) Dibs In Search of Self.  London: Penguin

Virginia M. Axline has written the true story of Dibs, her client; a talented and sensitive child who was trapped in isolation due to the lack of emotional connection in his life.  Through psychotherapy - play therapy to be precise - he regained his sense of self and was eventually able to thrive, utilise his gifted nature and contribute to society.  It is an eloquent case study obliquely laying out the principles of play and art therapy.  The therapist built the safe environment in which the child could open up and slowly verbalise his deeply felt emotions.  reparation with his parents blossoms.  It is notable that the therapist made it safe for Dibs to express negativity.  This teaches us to think about hostility as a sign sometimes of adequate ego strength for the feelings to be articulated.  In that sense, aggression is a sign of health!  This book is a beautiful testimony to the power of psychotherapy to transform lives.  

Malchiodi, C. (2011) Trauma Informed Art Therapy and Sexual Abuse in Children. In: Goodyear-Brown, P. (ed.) Handbook of Child Sexual Abuse: Identification, Assessment and Treatment.  United states: John Wiley & Sons

This chapter deals with how art therapy helps children who have suffered sexual abuse to articulate their sometimes unutterable experiences in a manner that the therapist can understand while within what is tolerable for the child.  Trauma informed art therapy involves using art materials to address hyper-arousal and to teach relaxation, referencing the specific neuro circuit that is activated by hands on activities of a soothing nature.  The sensory and tactile qualities of art materials need to be taken into consideration, how they are central to trauma recovery, but equally how they may trigger memories of distressful events.  The somatic approach, using colour and shape enables children to locate the place in the body where trauma is held so they can learn to diminish distress.  The author comments on the relevance of culturally sensitive materials and projects.  This has been a rich article for me, linking my reading on trauma, with art therapy for a client group I may want to work with in the future.  

Cane, F. (1951) The Artist in Each Of Us. United States: Art Therapy Publications

This book bridges art and therapy.  It aims to give the reader a means to achieving a richer art and a more integrated life.  It looks at how movement, feeling and thought work together.  I was intrigued to read detailed technical instructions for accessing subconscious material which can be used to reach higher levels of artistic expression and also personal healing.  The case studies record the progress of her students and how transcendence was coaxed up through fantasy, play, rhythmic movements, chanting and other indirect means until it could be released for union with the conscious.  I tried out some of these techniques and was surprised to discover not only the catharsis, but also the unexpected outcomes of artwork spontaneously arising from my own psychological material.  It shows me how the perceptive teacher can awaken in her students their own creativity and direct them to find solutions for subtle or complex inner dilemmas.

Dalley, T. (ed.) (1984) Art as Therapy. An Introduction to the use of art as a therapeutic technique. London: Routledge

This book is an introduction to the theories that underpin art therapy and is broad in it’s range of contributing authors.  We get an outline of the role of art within a therapeutic framework, the manifestation of art as play, as a language of symbols and development.  The historical links between art education and art therapy are explored; the differences and what they have in common; and a possibility for merging the two fields. Each chapter on a specific client group offers insights for working with these vulnerable people in a way that will give direct therapeutic benefit. 

I found the chapter on art therapy in prisons to be particularly enlightening.  The author was clear about the actual constraints of working in that environment, what the pitfalls might be and she presented practical guidance on overcoming them.  She promotes a vision for how arts can transform the most ant-social of prisoners into creative, productive people; this raises pertinent questions for the current justice system.

Price, J. (1988) Motherhood, What it Does to Your Mind  London: Pandora Press

A fascinating book delving into the psychology of mothering written by a female psychiatrist and psychotherapist.  It ties up the concepts of attachment theory with the realities of modern relationships and societal expectations.  It is presented through the lens of a Woman, a woman who lived through her own mother-daughter dynamic, pregnancy, giving birth, breast feeding and the like.  She looks at how our culture and family story play out in our own lives whether consciously or unconsciously.  By normalising much of the natural difficulties of mothering, this book can offer solace in trying times.  

I am a mother of four boys and pregnant with my fifth child, so I am justified to claim that his book ought to become mainstream knowledge.  It is through lived experiences that we can most genuinely form opinions and then reach out to help others in a professional capacity.

Case, C. Dalley, T. (1992) The Handbook of Art Therapy  London: Routledge

This handbook is a bird’s eye view of the profession.  It covers the theories of psychoanalysis and how it intersects with art as well as a detailed look at the practical aspects of employment as an art therapist in jargon-free language.  This gives a beginner art therapist a survival guide for those inevitable first forays into work.  I gained a grasp on the complexities surrounding room set-up or lack of appropriate dedicated space.  A how-to guide on various forms of note taking making use of the same example session throughout the different formats was extremely helpful.  There is clear preparation for supervision, referrals, working in an institution, operating as part of a team versus being isolated and potentially being misunderstood.  Reading this was an important step towards becoming a competent practitioner. 

[poetryasf-ck]

Good Grief #4 - Lloyd Robinson

Lloyd Robinson has almost twenty years of performance experience as an actor, poet, and musician. He is one of the few performers holding the title ‘Bad Boy Of Spoken Word’, is a multiple slam winner, the reigning Axis slam champion, and qualified for the Scottish National Slam Championship the last three years running.

Lloyd is the host and co-organiser of Edinburgh’s most exciting new-material poetry night, ‘The God Damn Debut Slam’ in the Scottish Poetry Library. He has been featured at many of Scotland’s more popular spoken word events, in particular Hidden Door Festival and StAnza literary festival. He has also independently released an album of spoken word and music, ‘Reclaimed Memories’, has a degree in Creative Writing & Drama, and a diploma in psychotherapy.

Image credit: Perry Jonsson

1. Why, if there was a reason, did you write this poem/these poems?

Catharsis. Therapy. As a tribute to my brother in law who took his own life, and to raise awareness of the very real issue of Male suicide. I have a compulsion to try and ‘fix’ bad situations, but obviously this was unfixable, so writing about it was the closest I could get.

2. Why, upon writing this poem/these poems, did you perform them?

To raise awareness. And to be totally honest, to shock the audience. I want them to be uncomfortable. I want them to remember this material out of everything else they see, and have a newfound respect for the gravity of the subject. Not only that, but suicide is still socially permissible to joke about, and I want people to think twice next time they laugh at it.

3. How does performing this piece change how you look at what happened to you?

It makes me feel more in control after something very chaotic. I like to think that he would like the piece and be proud of me.

4. How do you separate artistic performance from lived personal experience?

Focus entirely on replicating my more successful rehearsals, improving performance and heightening audience reaction. I am making art for public consumption, so I choose that as my focus. Also, quite subconsciously I (for the most part) avoid the ‘I’ pronoun, instead using ‘we’, which gives me a little more distance.

5. Do you find yourself affected negatively by performing this piece? If so, how do you look after yourself?

When I started performing it, I would be somewhat exhausted afterwards. These days though, not so much. It can depend on the audience. If they’re clearly very emotionally affected that has fed into my performance before. I’ve never lost control and become tearful, but I have felt intense.

6. Do you practice any aftercare after performing this piece (either for yourself or audiences)? (E.g., talking to audience members who are upset, taking some time out after your performance to ground yourself, ensuring you perform in places where you feel safe etc.)

I try and be around post-show; I reliably get at least one audience member come up to me afterwards who has been affected by suicide. They always thank me because being bereaved in this manner can completely alienate people and make them feel alone. For that reason I consider it important to perform this piece and make the time for them, so they realise they are not.

7. Do you do any content warnings for this piece? Why?

Depends on the night. If it’s a night with a more therapeutic lean, or it is specifically designed to be a safe space, or friendly to vulnerable people then yes. Really, in that context I probably wouldn’t perform it anyway unless it was actually requested or on theme. If not, then no. When people go out to see live entertainment, the performer should work in service of entertainment. Theatre isn’t supposed to be 100% safe, and performance poetry IS theatre. If an audience has come to a poetry show on purpose, the implicit relationship is that there will be emotional themes addressed, you don’t have to know anything about the scene to realise that. People watch theatre to be elevated and catharsis through experiencing challenging performances is a big part of that. Content warnings, unless handled very carefully, can break the rhythm and illusion of the show, as well as creating preconceptions about a piece.

EG; I have been in the audience when someone has started a poem with ‘trigger warning, suicide’ which IMMEDIATELY put me on edge. However, the poem itself was really comforting and I’m glad I ignored my instinct to leave.

THAT BEING SAID context is important, I’m not about to blanket damn trigger warnings. A LARGE part of serving the entertainment of the night is the ability to read the room, spot when something isn’t appropriate and make a call. If I’m doing the poem as part of a longer set, I will usually do a brief intro to it, not specifically making a content warning (although one is implied), but to steer the audience into a different energy. In reality you can never 100% tell which way a performance will go. Someone could be fine hearing a poem about suicide, but get upset with a poem about food because they have a history of eating disorders. There does come a point where you have to acknowledge all audience reaction as valid even if the audience straight up walks out. Sometimes trigger warnings are very necessary. Sometimes putting a trigger warning in front of a piece is actually more about giving yourself an illusion of control that you don’t, in reality, have.

8. Does the artist owe any kind of protection or safeguarding to their audience?

Yes and no. The artist owes organisers and programmers an accurate representation of their performance practice and general content so they can be booked for appropriate nights. They owe it to the audience to create art to the best of their ability. If their art is massively triggering, though, they have to be prepared to not be booked very often, or only for specific nights, or to have to put on their own shows. It is the organiser’s job to keep the audience safe, especially at curated nights, where they should know their regular audience well enough to bring in acts that will succeed. When there is an open mic element, the responsibility is a little more shared. Again, you have to read the room but you also have to acknowledge that you are a part of a community. If you are unfamiliar with the nights setup/it’s your first time, you should either scout it out first or bring a backup piece in case your chosen material isn’t going to work. There is no ‘don’t be an asshole’ rule, but there is an understanding that you should ‘try not to be an asshole’. Still, ultimately it is the organisers responsibility. They have to serve the needs of their night, and if someone steps to the mic and directly works against those needs, they have to be able to stop it.

BUT AGAIN this is not a hard and fast rule. Art practices don’t exist in a vacuum and absolutes are rarely sufficient to support the balance between safety and progress. Nuance exists.

For a scene in rude health, there needs to be a wide variety of event types. The safer spaces need to exist, because vulnerable people deserve entertainment and self-expression, but they ideally would exist in parallel with middle-of-the-road-pop-Poetry for the newcomers, and a more extreme end of the spectrum where limits can be tested, because such testings are VITAL to the evolution of the artform. ‘Saved’ by Edward Bond featured the stoning of a baby onstage and it resulted in a court case that DESTROYED the Thatcherite censorship of British theatre. ‘Shopping & Fucking’ featured drug abuse and violent rape, but broke new ground, opened doors for today’s pioneers of queer theatre and predicted the neo liberal society of today. ‘Ubu’ by Alfred Jarry was considered so nonsensical and artless that it caused TWO FUCKING RIOTS on opening night, but it spawned numerous artistic movements, without which we wouldn’t have Monty Python or Mighty Boosh. Nights need to exist where decency is malleable, simply for the evolution of the artform. Great art is not impossible when subjects are considered ‘off limits’ or ‘inappropriate’ BUT there are great things that can be achieved by breaking perceived barriers.

HOWEVER. NUANCE AGAIN.

We can’t have a blanket ‘anything goes’ approach, even at the most basic level. You have to restrict hate speech for a start, because one confident speaker given a platform can convert others to a cause. You have to no-platform predators and abusers because they will pretend to be innocent and use a platform to find more victims. This, as far as I can tell, is the most pressing responsibility an artist and an organiser has. It’s not a service to the artform, it’s a service to society, so in this case, yes, the artist, and to be honest EVERYONE is responsible for bombarding hatespeech, bigotry and abuse with poison until it dies like the fucking cancer that it is.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

9. Do you believe writing about areas such as grief, loss or trauma is a form of healthy catharsis or memorialisation?

Yes. NEXT QUESTION.

Alright, alright;

Writing stuff down can allow you to recognise and acknowledge your feelings much more clearly. Also, there are three poems that, whenever I perform them, will make me feel like the lost are still here with me.

In fact, every year on the anniversary of my brother in laws passing, I meet with my family, we chat, we support each other, and I perform two poems; the one I’m writing this survey about entitled ‘jump’, and another, more personal one that I rarely perform in public. Before I started organising this, we were stuck with ‘just getting through the day’ when it came around. It’s still the worst day of the year for us, but we have something to focus on that brings us together.

However, once again, we should be wary of absolutes. People can process grief in many different and utterly unexpected ways. This works for me and a few folk I know, but it could be catastrophic for others. Grief is one of those things where you have to acknowledge every possible emotion, no matter how illogical, as valid. If the bereaved responds by instinctively picking up a pen, whether to memorialise or seek catharsis, then writing is a valid response to grief. Therapy and/or seeking advice from medical professionals are also valid responses. It’s a simple case of ‘you do whatever makes you feel better’. If that includes enrolling in clown college and riding a unicycle everywhere; valid response.

10. What kind of warnings signs would you point out to someone new to poetry or performance who was performing about their traumas?

First of all, unless they specifically asked me, I don’t think I would. In this hypothetical I’m going to assume they are an adult presenting as neurotypical. They have a right to explore their own trauma/reclaim their narrative in whatever fashion suits them and I wouldn’t want to patronise them by giving the impression that I thought they needed help (see my question 9 chat about valid responses; we mustn’t tell people how to or how not to grieve). Humans are much hardier than they often give themselves credit for. The only context in which I would intercede would be someone clearly exhibiting signs of severe anxiety/depression, & I had even the slightest suspicion they might be a danger to themselves. However, these conditions make it very difficult for new voices to leave the house, let alone sign up for an open mic, so while I acknowledge there’s a risk, it isn’t a particularly likely scenario. I feel like that’s not the sort of answer you’re after, though.

I do think there is a bit of a danger (the extent of which I’m unsure of) that a new poet could see performances on YouTube and in slams that lead them to think they have to mine their own trauma to get material. The warning signs of this would be asking yourself ‘what can I write about’ and the answer being ‘ooh, that horrible thing that happened’.

When rehearsing the poem, it is perfectly normal to cry (or similar emotional release) even a few times. If you well up during a public performance, also fine AS LONG AS THE PERFORMER FEELS IT HELPS.

If, however, you have an uncontrollable emotional response EVERY TIME you perform it, I’d start to question whether you should.

If the idea of performing it causes anxiety above the usual pre-show nerves, and that anxiety reduces when you decide ‘oh I’ll perform something else instead’ then that’s a CLEAR indication.

It is hard to point to specific warning signs other than the above and feeling peer pressure to perform grief-motivated poetry, because everyone’s responses can be incredibly varied. All I’d really say is some advice I was given when I started writing;

“There are two types of writing; what you send out into the world and you do for yourself. The first type needs to flexible so you can improve it based on the responses you get. You have to learn that constructive criticism is valuable and not a personal attack. The second is imperfect and often messy, but it helps you learn about the craft and your own mind. Always remember the two are flexible. You can start writing something personal and realise it’s for everyone. You can send something out into the world and then entirely take it back upon realising that this was just for you.” 

lloydcarltonrobinson.bandcamp.com/releases

https://www.patreon.com/poetryasfuck

#lloyd robinson #suicide #poetry #poet #poem #spoken word #grief #loss #trauma

[spookyspacepixels]

I’m sorry this will probably be an annoying post for many of my followers, especially because I should be posting art but I feel like I need to rant about this

I hate how some people just acting so ridiculously negative towards the idea of safe space related things existing. I’m thinking about this because I just overheard some people on the news talking about that cry closet thing thing popping up in colleges. Don’t get me wrong, I personally think the concept is very strange, especially because students can instead be going to councilors or therapists to help resolve their issues and stresses. But this guy was talking about how the colleges and the colleges students that might use it are embarrassments to the U.S. or some bullshit like that and how no one should be crying over anything except the death of a loved one and I’m just so tired of people thinking this way, especially about young adults. 

Obviously people should try to improve how they handle their emotions but college, high school, and other adults constantly tell young adults and teens about how the world is so competitive and that if we don’t do extremely well in school they will never have the lives they want and everything will suck. This stresses almost everybody who cares about their futures at least to some extent and makes a lot of people feel extremely stressed about stuff like grades and their futures being ruined by how they do in school and college. The thought of adulthood, paying fees, jobs,  and living on one’s own are also stressful in general. There is also a lot of crazy shit going on in the U.S., which makes a lot of young adults especially worry about the future. Not to mention there are a lot of stresses related to specifically certain individuals, such as strict or abusive relationships, struggles in family, and struggles relating to identity, including the discrimination and oppression that might be faced as a result of being a certain way. This is all amplified greatly by those who struggle with bad anxiety, depression, and of the like. And yet instead of feeling sympathy for those who are stressed and promoting healthy ways to deal with it some people instead choose to shame and guilt anyone who expresses any anxiety or sadness towards anything, promoting hiding all emotions inside and letting it built up in an unhealthy manner, making them probably feeling even worse about themselves, and overall acting very shitty. 

It’s almost as if these people somehow have never felt stress or fear in their entire lives and somehow can’t fathom the idea of someone having a different emotional state and conditions than them. I’m just getting really tired of this attitude and I just wish that people would be more considerate towards anyone who might need some kind of safe space and try to promote healthier emotional habits instead of belittling them as if somehow that’s gonna make those people suddenly not feel the way they do.

TLDR: Im so tired of this attitude of “welcome to the real world!!!” and of people being “special snowflakes” towards people who use safe spaces and feel anxiety, sadness, or stress clearly over anything, especially towards young adults. Belittling people for having some kind of emotional issues or being a certain way isn’t going to make them magically become the better person of your image. It’s just makes people feel worse about themselves and I wish people would instead be more considerate to people and promote healthy ways to handle any struggles people have.

#vent #rant #this is ok to reblog tho #politics #opinion #safe space #cry closet #current events

[foxtailapp]

The Amazing Benefits of Aftercare Kink

This post is originally from Pleasure Uncensored by Foxtail. It can be found here.

  Aftercare is the time after sex that a couple spends cuddling, talking, and caring for each other. Following BDSM, aftercare is also essential because it ensures that both partners are at ease and ready to return to the real world, especially after intense kink play. In this guide, we will explain why you should use it. So keep on reading and find out the amazing benefits of aftercare.

    As a professional sexologist, I believe that all couples should devote time to post-euphoric aftercare to restore intimacy, regardless of the type of play they engage in. You might think that this is just “what you do after sex,” but it has far-reaching ramifications.

  One of the most fundamental components of sexual intimacy is sometimes overlooked, neglected, cut short, or never existed in the first place. Many people are unaware of the concept of sexual aftercare.

  Suppose you are not aware of the effects that come with aftercare. We are going to unfold some of the fantastic facts about this practice.

  Aftercare Kink Makes for Stronger Emotional Bonds

  Couples who practice aftercare form stronger, more intimate relationships with their partners. We’re especially vulnerable after having sex. We’re naked, flooded with oxytocin and dopamine, and we’ve (ideally) just experienced an orgasm.

  We need to keep that good attitude going. Everyone feels better knowing the spouse cares about them. What better way to demonstrate it than by tending to them while they are in a vulnerable post-sex frame of mind?

  According to Pam Saffer, a couple’s therapist emphasized that couples need to prioritize this practice. That will make them have a strong bond, and that will strengthen their relationship going forward.

  Making time for aftercare a priority allows for an increased emotional connection, sharing, and affirming positive emotions. It strongly encourages couples to communicate openly with one another and demonstrating their love and care to one another, whether verbally or through affectionate touch.

    Use Aftercare in any Kink Relationship

  Aftercare is essential for your friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, on a one-night stand, or when married. While it may feel strange to engage in aftercare with someone you aren’t actively dating, it is nonetheless necessary. It’s not about trying to make someone fall in love with you or trying to turn a casual relationship into something more serious.

  It’s about ensuring that everyone is treated with respect and sensitivity to feel good about themselves after a sexual experience. You can do this by discussing kink with your partner.

  Spend some time with your partner and reflect on everything that has transpired in a pleasant, caring manner. It makes no difference what kind of relationship you’re in if you want to make sure everyone is happy with the sex you had.

  It Helps Relieve Underlying Sexual Shame

  “Women, in particular, have been brainwashed to believe that having (sex) for the sole purpose of sexual enjoyment is a humiliating act. Of course, it isn’t, but being cared for in some way later can help to alleviate those feelings of shame”. Says an associate professor of psychiatry at the Weill-Cornell School of Medicine at New York-Presbyterian Hospital.

  While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by everybody, it can sometimes evoke feelings of guilt due to the sex-negative messages many of us were exposed to as children. While our rational minds tell us that sex is natural and good, our subconscious minds can keep these shameful messages.

  Your body might abruptly discover the subconscious shame after sex, after that delightful post-orgasmic high. This is especially true if one or both of the parties came from a conservative or religious family.

  “Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only (wanted) sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D.

  Aftercare Kink Helps to Stave off The Post-Coital Blues

  Have you ever wanted to cry after having sex? You know how after a genuinely incredible orgasm, you feel sad for no apparent reason. “Post-coital dysphoria,” or the “post-sex blues,” is the term for this. People say that there is a sharp drop after a euphoric high that comes after intense sexual pleasure.

  It is the brain’s way of readjusting itself. According to studies, approximately half of men and women have had PCD at some point in their life.

    The balm that relieves some sorrowful feelings is aftercare. “After the euphoric pleasures of sex wear off, people can feel alienated from their spouses,” Shaffer explains. “Follow-up practices can help them feel connected in a meaningful way.”

  Develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure and have an open and honest discussion about PCD. For example:

  You might want to cuddle

Your partner might want to stroke your arm, or you might 

Both of you want to have a pleasant or deeper conversation at the end

  “If you know there is something that would make you feel better after sex, you should speak out and ask for it. Your partner wants you to be happy, so whatever they can do in terms of aftercare should be discussed and shared with them”, D’Angelo explains.

  It’s as Much About Mental Aftercare as Physical Aftercare

  You are likely to encounter distinct dynamics during BDSM play that do not represent how you or your partner feel about you in everyday life.

  Suppose your spouse wants you to label them useless during sex while you act as the dominant. In that case, you must confirm you have caring feelings for them during aftercare, according to Angela Watson, a professional social worker and sex therapist who runs DoctorClimax.

  “If mental aftercare isn’t practiced, it can be hard to maintain that aspect of a healthy relationship,” Watson adds.

  The dominant should reassure the sub that what they say during a sexual encounter is not how they see things daily. These words of affirmation were accompanied by light, genuine caressing, which was not typical of the BDSM experience.

  Watson continues, “Aftercare is all about re-establishing the relationship that was exploited during sex. It’s important to play with the rules of your relationship during the scene. But, it’s also important to spend time bringing things back to reality afterward”. So that no one feels exploited, both physical and mental aftercare are provided (except when they want to).

  Dominants Need Aftercare Kink too

  While speaking down to a sub during sex can be off-putting, both partners should ensure that the dominant demands are not ignored entirely during aftercare.

  According to Sunny Megatron, sexuality educator and host of the American Sex Podcast, dominants have the added responsibility of preparing and executing a scene, being hypervigilant about looking out for their submissive is best interests, and always being prepared to deal with any unanticipated complications.

  Add in the altered state of consciousness someone might be in when enacting a drama. When the fun is over, you have a recipe for emotional repercussions. To re-acclimate and help dominant’s come to their default mental state, aftercare is essential.

  Aftercare Kink Varies From Person to Person

  Don’t smother a person with blankets and cuddles if they express their desire to be alone after sex. What one person desires is not always universal, as is the case with all things sex. What is consistent, though, is that you should communicate with your spouse.

  Both of you should be on the same page about what you’re looking for in a supportive aftercare setting. “Never assume you know what your partner needs after you’ve played,” Watson adds. “That’s why, just like the active elements of your scene, aftercare should always be negotiated.”

  The Bottom Line

  Sex can be a lot of fun, but it can also be emotionally draining. We need to take steps to ensure that everyone feels good about themselves after the experience.

  It is lovely to use whatever sort of aftercare works best for you. Just make sure you talk about it first before doing anything sensual. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to feel emotionally whole and good about ourselves when we leave the room.

  After all, aftercare is merely a fancy name for making sure after the sex. Communication is necessary both before and during sex. Having chats afterward has the extra benefit of allowing you to learn from the experience and make the sex even hotter the next time.

  Is there anything we should all remember? It can also be beneficial to continue these discussions once everyone is upright (and clothed) and any post-orgasm euphoria has worn off.

  If you like to do share your thoughts, then drop a line in our comments section, or if you like to talk to like-minded people join our Foxtail Community.

[sgmwesters]

╰ ❛ 💉 — › michael b jordan. cis male. he/him. . ╯ have you met BENJAMIN MORGAN yet ? this thirty four year old sagittarius has been living in the Seattle area for three days. He makes a living as an otolaryngology (ent) attending, which is best suited for their protective, empathetic, conflicted, and irrational personality. take me to church by hozier is one of their favorite songs, and they’re written by em, 24, gmt, she/her, no triggers

B A S I C   I N F O R M A T I O N

FULL NAME: Benjamin Joseph Morgan.

NICKNAME(S): Ben, BJ in college.

AGE: Thirty Four (34).

DATE OF BIRTH: 26 November 1985, Sagittarius.

HOMETOWN: Manhattan, New York.

CURRENT LOCATION: Seattle, Washington.

ETHNICITY: African-American..

NATIONALITY: American citizen.

GENDER: Cis Male.

PRONOUNS: He/him.

ORIENTATION: ??? Idek why I even include this at this point???

RELIGION: Atheist.

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: Democrat.

OCCUPATION: Otolaryngology (ENT) Attending.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Lives alone.

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: English, German.

ACCENT: None.

P H Y S I C A L    A P P E A R A N C E

FACE CLAIM: Michael B. Jordan.

HAIR COLOR: Black.

EYE COLOR: Brown.

HEIGHT: 6 ft 1.

WEIGHT: 188lbs.

BUILD: Athletic.

TATTOOS: None.

PIERCINGS: None.

CLOTHING STYLE: Scrubs, smart casual otherwise.

USUAL EXPRESSION: Fairly stern, but he’s a softy deeeeeeep down.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: Dimples.

H E A L T H

PHYSICAL AILMENTS: torn rotator cuff in high school has left his shoulder somewhat fucked.

NEUROLOGICAL CONDITIONS: none.

ALLERGIES: bee and wasp stings.

SLEEPING HABITS: fairly good sleep hygiene, sleeps well provided nothing is bothering him (Maddie).

EATING HABITS: Usually fairly healthy, likes to look after himself.

EXERCISE HABITS: As above, likes to look after himself.

EMOTIONAL STABILITY: Sits happily at a seven, but has been known to dip in times of stress or emotional turmoil. 

SOCIABILITY: Very sociable, likes to be around people.

BODY TEMPERATURE: warm.

ADDICTIONS: none.

DRUG USE: none and is very against its use.

ALCOHOL USE: enjoys a drink, but doesn’t need it.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

POSITIVE TRAITS: protective, empathetic

NEGATIVE TRAITS: conflicted, irrational

FEARS: Not being able to keep Maddie safe and healthy.

F A V O U R I T E S

WEATHER: Is indifferent about the weather.

COLOUR: Navy.

MUSIC: Something with a heavy beat.

MOVIES: The Godfather.

SPORT: Boxing.

BEVERAGE: Fruit smoothie, Bourbon.

FOOD: Hot dogs.

ANIMAL: Anything small, soft, and fluffy.

H E A D C A N O N S

Benjamin was born as the only child to Regina and David Morgan, a museum curator and ceo respectively in manhattan.

Benjamin was raised in close proximity to his cousin Madeleine Spencer, to the extent where Benjamin considers Maddie to be more like a sibling to him than a cousin. This came from both of their parents busy schedules and similar lifestyles which led him to be brought up in this manner.

Benjamin would like to think that his parents were happily married, but it was only as he got older that he realised the family set up that he had grown up with as a child wasn’t the same as everyone else’s. Nevertheless, he figured that it worked for them as it was, and he still considers himself to have had a good childhood.

Spending as much time in the Spencer household as he did, Benjamin sparked a genuine interest in medicine, looking up to his uncle, Madeleine’s father, as a role model and idol for his future career in medicine. 

Benjamin was athletic in school, actively taking part in boxing and baseball. He hoped from early on in high school that he would be able to get into a good school on a baseball scholarship so he wouldn’t need to focus as hard on his studies, but a torn rotator cuff in his sophomore year quickly killed that dream, and he came to the quick conclusion that he had to get his head in the books.

As much as he would hate to admit it, he knew that his parents pulled a few strings when it came to his offers for college, but the decision ultimately came down to him. During this time he had watched Madeleine begin to spiral out of control, the concern for his cousin and arguably best friend only growing with each day that passed.

It was during this time that Benjamin turned down the offer from Harvard that his father had swindled for him, choosing instead to stay closer to the city in order to be nearby while Madeleine got the help she had promised her parents she would get.

He was thankful for this decision as the realisation that she hadn’t been getting help came about following Amelia Shepherd’s overdose. While Madeleine was in rehab, Benjamin made a point of visiting her as much as he could, skipping classes if he needed to to make sure that she felt supported. She was basically his kid sister after all. 

As Madeleine got clean, Benjamin took the MCATs, scoring high enough to be accepted into John’s Hopkins off his own back this time. As Madeleine was seemingly doing well, Benjamin decided to move that little bit further out, knowing he would be close enough if she needed him to return.

It was during this time that the two established their bi-weekly phone calls, no excuses allowed, his way of keeping an eye on her completely.

Benjamin moved that little bit further for his residency to Mayo, just as Madeleine moved to Switzerland for her masters. It made sense, he was happy for her and continued to adjust his schedule to make sure their phone calls went ahead as they needed to, suiting her schedule over his.He would often stay awake until the early hours of the morning just to speak to her.

His residency was fairly smooth sailing, despite a period of switching between services as he was indecisive about what specialty he was going to go into. He had always had his heart set on cardio like his uncle, but it only took one case with the ENT attending to have him hooked. 

As he came to the end of his fellowship, he debated the idea of having a second specialty (he’s a bit of a show off like that), but a nagging feeling inside of him told him something more important was coming. 

His calls with Madeleine weren’t like they used to be, years of regularity and consistency seemed to be falling apart, with nothing that he could do from where he was. He wanted to believe that this was part of the recovery, that she didn’t need him the way she used to, but he couldn’t be certain.

The night of Amelia’s intervention, Benjamin received a frantic phone call from Madeleine and he knew then that things were not good. Whether she was high or just drunk he couldn’t have been certain at first, it was only as she spoke about everybody leaving her the he snapped into action. She’d fallen off the wagon, and he’d be damned if he was going to stand by and let it happen.

Benjamin packed a bag and hopped on the first plane to Seattle, ready to hold an intervention of his own if he needs to. As far as he is concerned he’s here for Maddie and nothing else.

#traumaintro #━━ ✦ 𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐆𝐀𝐍 ❮ biography ❯