#Since then Castiel has been with Dean. Cas and Dean were emotionally separated in the first half of s15. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mittensmorgul · 3 years

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Since the finale aired, I’ve been yammering on about how it would’ve only worked as a finale to s2, and now that I’m actually rewatching s2, I stand by that even more staunchly. The finale doesn’t work in a post-s2 supernatural universe.

This is the version of Dean we saw in the finale-- the one whose only mission in life was to Save Sammy, to help him get his revenge and allow him to go out and live a Normal Safe Life pretending that hunting and monsters don’t exist. The one who just wanted some pie, to drive his car, and had no real connections beyond Sam in the world outside of Bobby. Even Dean’s characterization in the finale is this far younger Dean who’d never allowed himself to crack open and truly understand love. It would take me years to plow through everything I’ve ever written about him as a character and his long struggle to emotional maturity we saw evolve over the next 13 years beyond this episode, but the tl;dr will always be “this s2 Dean is the same as the Dean in the finale.”

The goal of s2 was saving SAM from his “destiny,” too. In this era of the show, Dean didn’t have a “destiny” the same way Sam did. The ONLY thing that mattered was freeing Sam from “becoming evil,” and being manipulated into terrible things. What Dean wanted, what he was “destined” for by the narrative was irrelevant, because all of his choices and emotional burdens were tied only to saving Sam. To freeing Sam so he could safely return to his “normal life.” Go back to college, have a family and the white picket fence life.

This was before Dean truly began fighting for HIMSELF. Which only really and truly began after he sells his soul to resurrect Sam. That’s when Dean truly begins fighting for himself. Sure, he’s angry with John during s2 for trading his own life for Dean’s, for putting the burden of “if you can’t save Sam, you’ll have to kill him” on his shoulders with his dying breath, but Dean is still fighting against John’s authority and the complicated tangle of feelings of his own childhood and not actually coming to terms with his own wants and needs and wishes out beyond that yet. He’s still unwittingly confronting the “destiny” John had set up for him, and hasn’t moved beyond that yet. It’s only trading his soul for Sam’s that finally brings Dean into the cosmic narrative that will fuel his introspection and personal growth for the rest of the series.

And out beyond that point, his entire character arc explodes into orbit.

Dean’s entire character arc in s3 is confronting this very basic fact: he doesn’t deserve to have been sacrificed just to save Sam. He doesn’t deserve that burden, and he does deserve to live. This is the realization he comes to before eventually being dragged to Hell and then rescued by an angel, who literally tells him, “you don’t think you deserve to be saved” in the aftermath of that. From that point on, we have TWELVE SEASONS of Dean struggling with what he “deserves” versus what is “fate” and “destiny” and eventually confronting what he WANTS if he truly could choose his own destiny.

Plus, out beyond that point, he has Cas. And nothing changes Dean, pushes him to grow and understand himself, and accept himself-- all of himself, from the good to the horrific-- than the pure and unflinching acceptance of Castiel. Cas never looked at him and said “you are evil,” or “you are worthless.” (well, they’ve both said some pretty awful stuff to each other over the years, but there was either brainwashing or other deeper issues pushing those things on them, and they have ALWAYS eventually come back to one another, and the awful stuff was dealt with). Point is, Dean and Cas both began running these parallel arcs of duty versus desire, and for Dean, the duty was always framed around “taking care of Sam” versus pursuing any sort of ambition or goals for himself. They would fight for this for most of the rest of the series, until eventually the goal for ALL of them would be about discovering what they would want for themselves.

The show explicitly dealt with this, repeatedly, over later seasons, asking all of the characters the big questions: is this what you would choose for yourself? What WOULD you choose for yourself if you could?

And then they made the narrative of the final season, of the final Big Bad, the fact that they had NEVER had real freedom, and that their entire lives (and the entire history of not only this universe but every parallel universe) had been Chuck’s Puppet Theater, and true free will had been a lie all this time. Pushing all of the characters to confront their own choices and understand what about who they were as people was separate from what Chuck pushed them into choosing and doing all these years. The main thing that Dean (and also Cas, and to the extent she was included in the narrative this was Eileen’s issue as well) were being pushed to come to terms with what really was real, and were their feelings and choices their own or imposed on them for the furtherance of Chuck’s story.

At the end of the road, finally free and out from under Chuck’s control, they knew what was real. For Sam and Eileen, they had chosen each other. Cas had chosen Dean, but Dean hadn’t yet had a chance to reply, but anyone with two eyes and a brain knows what he would’ve said in return. It’s what Cas stopped him from saying even back in Purgatory in 15.09. And yet, for some reason Sam and Dean forgot all of that, as if none of it had ever even really happened at all, and we went right back to who they were right after they finally defeated the YED, before we even knew Azazel had a name, let alone the fact that the ultimate boogeyman of their entire lives to that point had been nothing more than a fanatic pawn in a much larger destiny for both of them.

The end of s2 was the last time Dean sacrificing himself so Sam could have a normal life, where Dean really felt there was nothing more for himself than fulfilling his father’s orders to save Sammy, even feels remotely plausible. It’s the last time we can feel like Dean might find peace and contentment in a Heaven where John is nearby to be proud of him, and where Dean would actually feel like that validation was even relevant to his own life.

And that finally brings me back to s2, where that was actually addressed through John’s self-sacrifice to save Dean, to serve Dean up to the narrative and provide a stage for this self-transformative journey INTO being a version of John himself. Only... Dean DOESN’T choose that. He fights to save Sam at all costs, even when it seems clear that the right answer would probably be to KILL Sam instead. When not only the ghost of John Winchester plaguing Dean’s mind would make him doubt his own drive to save his brother, but the John Winchester Insert Character of s2-- Gordon Walker-- basically put Dean’s own doubts out there in plain words in 2.10:

GORDON: I'm surprised at you, Dean. Getting all emotional. I'd heard you were more of a professional than this. Look, let's say you were cruising around in that car of yours and, uh, you had little Hitler riding shotgun, right? Back when he was just some goofy, crappy artist. But you knew what he was going to turn into someday. You'd take him out, no questions, am I right?

DEAN: That's not Sam.

GORDON: Yes it is. You just can't see it yet. Dean, it's his destiny. Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has got to hurt like hell for you. But here's the thing. It would wreck him. But your dad? If it really came right down to it, he would have had the stones to do the right thing here. But you're telling me you're not the man he is?

This, the episode where Dean finally confesses John’s final orders to Sam, where Dean has decided that saving Sam is all that matters, even when circumstance and everyone else is practically screaming at him that this could all be over if only he gave in-- be it his own self-sacrifice OR killing Sam. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, the universe doesn’t care (and neither does Chuck... especially at this point... and the proof of that is Sam’s s15 nightmares where one of Chuck’s alternate universe endings for Sam and Dean was Sam actually going Darkside on demon blood and killing Dean... any iteration of the old drama, Chuck has explored all potential endings-- oh, except the ending where TFW gets to just be happy and live... that’s the one ending they never get and the only one they deserved in the end).

also from 2.10... loads of chat about “destiny” and one of Dean’s first “we should just lay all this shit down and take a vacation” moments when he suggests they go to Amsterdam and enjoy some of the not-coffee-coffee-shops, which Sam counters by doubling down on the fact that Dean has a destiny in all this as much as Sam does:

SAM: Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you were meant to do.

DEAN: Ah, I wasn't meant to do anything, I don't believe in that destiny crap.

SAM: You mean you don't believe in my destiny.

DEAN: Yeah, whatever.

SAM: Look, Dean, I've tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can't run from this. And you can't protect me.

DEAN: I can try.

And that’s it, right there. This is the “neither of you can try for a normal life outside of the other while the other is still alive.” This is Sam pinning a destiny to Dean that’s just as inescapable within Chuck’s narrative as Sam’s demon blood and psychic powers.

This is the core essence of Chuck’s story about them. The sibling dynamic that Chuck failed to free himself from, and that Sam and Dean failed to free themselves from after Chuck’s demise in 15.19.

Destiny. One must die so the other can live.

And considering the next 13 seasons of the show and the long and emotionally grueling character arcs Sam and Dean proceed through where they truly confront the core of who they are as people-- as individuals outside of their duty and destiny-- the finale ceases to make any sense outside of Chuck’s narrative for them. If 15.20 really happened exactly as we saw it on screen, then Chuck still won.

And they had to loop Sam and Dean all the way back to where they were emotionally at the end of s2 in order to make it seem plausible. Which, for those of us who actually care about what they endured after s2, makes the finale entirely implausible as a whole.

#spn 2.10 #spn 15.20 #spiders georg of the tnt loop #while i was writing this up i also watched 2.11 and yep... still holds up #the ghost of john winchester #chuck's process

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dothwrites · 3 years

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2020 Writing in Review

Well, it’s been a shitshow of a year, ain’t it? The one bright spot in this year was that it left me a ton of time for writing! With no further ado, here are the fics I worked on the year of our lord, 2020.

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the blood which we drew | Rated: M | Word Count: 7335 | COMPLETE

Castiel bears the Mark. And for a few months, it's fine.

It's fine until it isn't.

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ramble on | Rated: E | Word Count: 26,875 | WIP

A series of Season 15 codas, crossposted to tumblr. Tags, Warnings, and Rating may change, based on source material.

(Technically started this in 2019, but I added to it this year, so I’m counting it)

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protect and serve | Rated: E | Word Count: 49,953 | COMPLETE

Police officer Dean Winchester's next assignment seems easy enough: a protection detail on Assistant District Attorney Castiel Novak, who's been receiving death threats in conjunction with the case that he's prosecuting. Dean's assignment is to keep ADA Novak safe, alive, and in one piece so that he can start his trial against Dick Roman, notorious CEO charged with the death of at least eight people.

With threats that quickly spin out of control, a missing teenage genius, Dean's attraction to Novak, and Novak's mercurial attitude towards Dean--Dean Winchester's next assignment is anything but easy.

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what stays (and what fades away) | Rated: E | Word Count: 64,421 | COMPLETE

Cas Novak’s life is perfect. He has a job that he loves and friends who support him. Most importantly, he has his husband, Dean Winchester, and his two adopted children, Claire and Jack. With them, nothing could ever go wrong.

That is, until he starts having flashes of a life that isn’t his and meets someone who shares his husband’s face but not his personality, someone who insists that he’s someone, something, different altogether. Cas’ life shatters when he’s dragged into a world that he doesn’t belong to and doesn’t understand.

Dean Winchester’s life was already shattered when he lost Castiel.

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thunder road | Rated: E | Word Count: 20,883 | COMPLETE

After Chuck is defeated and the Winchesters settle into life without God, Dean Winchester is bored.

OR: Dean and Cas take a road trip and figure out some stuff along the way.

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alone together | Rated: E | Word Count: 74, 239 | COMPLETE

Like the rest of the world, Dean Winchester’s job sent him home with the supplies necessary to work from home and a vague farewell of “We’ll see you when this all blows over”. Unlike the rest of the world, Dean Winchester is entering into a quarantine with Castiel Novak, his incredibly hot and incredibly uninterested roommate. How is Dean supposed to concentrate on his job while Cas is just a few feet away, being...well, Cas?

Castiel Novak was already working from home, so the news of social distancing doesn’t affect him that much. What does send him into a panic is the knowledge that Dean Winchester, his stunning and straight roommate, will also be working from home for the foreseeable future. After spending so long trying to distance himself from Dean, Castiel now has to face a future where Dean is present. All. The. Time.

They’ve got food, Internet, and all the toilet paper they need, but neither one of them is prepared for quarantine.

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for a sinner released | Rated: E | Word Count: 8,800 | COMPLETE

Testing his theory, he runs his fingers over the soft skin of Dean’s wrist, until his thumb is pressed firmly against Dean’s hammering pulse. Cas pulls, gently but inexorably, until Dean is forced to take a step forward. The shift in positioning pushes the barrel of the gun into his forehead.

Cold metal touches overheated skin, and Cas inhales sharply at the contrasting sensations. The gun is unforgiving, relentless, beautiful.

It’s like Dean.

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and all this devotion | Rated: M | Word Count: 10,572 | COMPLETE

Dean’s not stupid. He’s seen the looks Cas has aimed his way, when Cas thought he wasn’t paying attention. He’s leveled his share of looks back at Cas when the angel’s attention was elsewhere. More than once, he’s been caught in the act. At this point, they’re both dancing around the same elephant, too scared and caught in their ways to make the first move.

OR: Dean gets hurt on a hunt. Cas takes care of him. There's only one bed. Confessions ensue.

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lost in translation | Rated: T | Word Count: 3,720 | COMPLETE

Cas bites at his lower lip, looking uncommonly shy. Worry starts to stir in Dean’s gut, which is only compounded when Cas says something else in soft yet clear Enochian. As the new phrase doesn’t have the word stupid anywhere in it, Dean doesn’t have the slightest idea of what Cas is saying. The guilt squirming in his stomach gets worse when Cas looks at him, with gentle anticipation, as though he’s expecting a reply. Dean does what humans have been doing since the beginning of time when confronted with a language they don’t understand and smiles, wide and sunny, at Cas. Cas’ forehead creases but he returns the gesture. His eyes are still brimming over with emotion and the sight does something to Dean.

Dean begins to suspect that he may have started something which he is not equipped to finish.

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a new song about a new life | Rated: E | Word Count: 21,282 | WIP

There is no happily ever after. Mostly because there is no after. Life is just a series of days and nothing ever really ends. It just continues on, even after the curtain closes, and while the struggles might not be epic, they're no less impressive. Domestic life isn't without its pitfalls and trials, but at the end of the day, Dean and Cas still have each other and in the end, that's enough.

A series of timestamps detailing the small adventures of Dean and Castiel. Will contain teensy amounts of angst and a heap of fluff and domesticity.

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angel in black | Rated: E | Word Count: 95,325 | COMPLETE

Bounty hunter Castiel Novak has simple rules for how he conducts his business. Get in, get out, deliver the fugitive, and do it all with the least amount of effort possible. Never become emotionally involved.

When he takes on the job of hunting down Sam and Dean Winchester in order to bring them to justice, his rules start shifting. Threatened by supernatural forces as well as his attraction to Dean, Castiel soon has to decide what he’s willing to stand for…and what he’s willing to die for.

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ghosts that we knew | Rated: E | Word Count: 89,411 | COMPLETE

Dean can’t help it. Castiel’s laugh is infectious, washing over him and sweeping him up in its tide. His throat and stomach ache with the feel of it, unfamiliar muscles worked past their endurance. He hasn’t laughed like this in weeks, maybe years.

Cas doesn’t stop laughing, and Dean relishes it. It’s such a good sound, deep and throaty. It rumbles over him the same way that Baby’s engine purrs, to where he can almost feel it in his gut. Dean’s giddy, the kind of happy that hunters don’t get to feel, and if it weren’t for the ceiling, he thinks he might float away. Cas’ eyes crinkle when he laughs, and his smile goes wide and gummy. He’s so brilliant, so alive—

But you’re dead, Dean thinks helplessly. But you’re dead.

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Castiel Novak is one of the best hunters Dean Winchester has ever worked with. He's witty, whip-smart, and has enough knowledge about the supernatural to rival an encyclopedia. He's got humor dry enough to put the Sahara to shame and he's pretty easy on the eyes as well. All in all, he's the best partner Dean could have hoped for.

Too bad he's dead.

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the best of things | Rated: G | Word Count: 2,494 | COMPLETE

There’s something.

This is significant because, for as long as Castiel can remember, there’s been nothing. --- Castiel finds a way out of the Empty.

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freedom | Rated: G | Word Count: 4,804 | COMPLETE

Freedom.

Dean rolls the word around on the tip of his tongue and tastes how it feels. Freedom.

It’s a strange concept, especially since he always assumed that he was. Ever since Apocalypse Version 1.0 was averted, Michael and Lucifer locked in the cage, thanks very much, he’s always assumed that he was the one calling the shots. No matter how badly he fucked up (and he fucked up a lot), he could at least take comfort in the fact that those were his choices. No one’s hand up Dean Winchester’s ass, no siree.

And then Chuck came and ripped that certainty away from him in one quick motion and then...everything was suspect. Sam, Mom, Jack...Cas. Every word, every action, every emotion... He couldn’t trust anything, so he trusted nothing.

--- OR: Dean makes a choice.

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at the end of the world | Rated: G | Word Count: 4,631 | COMPLETE

Rebuilding Heaven is slow work, but time doesn’t really mean anything here. It’s delicate to rebuild the walls separating billions of souls so that nothing collapses. Castiel works alongside Jack, making suggestions as his mind trips along to potential problems.

Though it’s never said aloud, Castiel knows why Jack is working tirelessly. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, the knowledge sits that Sam and Dean are going to die. One day, they will pass from the earth, and come to Heaven, and on that day, Castiel wants everything to be perfect for them. He wants to show them a true paradise, a place without walls or barriers, a place where emotion is genuine and not just a manufactured memory. Rebuilding Heaven is his last chore, the last of his penance to be performed.

--- OR: Team Free Will gets the soft epilogue which they deserve.

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let your heart be light | Rated: M | Word Count: 31,651 | WIP

It's Dean and Cas' first official Christmas together as a couple. What could possibly go wrong?

Just Cas' weird family, his own personal hang-ups about Christmas, Dean's persistent belief that the miracle of Christmas can heal all wounds, and meddling friends and family.

Have a Merry Christmas.

#dothwrites #long post #2020 masterlist #i did not realize how long this was #good lord me #i'm a long-winded little SOB

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airenyah · 3 years

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what are the gayest destiel episodes you can think of?

ohhhhh i gotchu hold on (this is basically gonna end up being a list of my fave destiel episodes lmaooo)

ok so just a heads-up, i don’t really remember much from s10 onwards (a lot of those episodes i haven’t actually watched since they aired whoops) and i’m currently stuck at the beginning of s9 on my complete rewatch soooo this list focuses only on the first half of the show. i might do an update if i ever manage to finish my rewatch (and remember to post an update at all when the time comes)

ok here we go:

4x16 - On the Head of a Pin

dean calls cas “cas” to his face for the very first time

dean is all “you can't ask me to do this, cas. not this.” (about torturing alastair) and uriel is all “who said anything about asking”, but cas is all: “this is too much to ask, i know. but we have to ask it” and that is the moment that dean realizes that cas cares about him and his feelings/well-being and that’s when he demands to speak to cas alone

and it’s only after cas tells dean he really doesn’t want dean being forced to do the torturing that Dean gives in (”i would give anything not to have you do this”)

like, it’s so obvious already how much cas cares about dean already and we’re only in s4

cas is even starting to go down the path of disobedience (with a little help from anna admittedly, but still. he’s starting to consider it)

they’re so?? comfortable?? with each other. when cas visits dean at the hospital in the end

4x22 - Lucifer Rising

dean literally makes an angel fall in this ep, i mean come on... (the way cas shows up behind him all “you asked to see me” after dean smashes the angel statue cracks me up every single time gsdlka)

dean desperately trying to get cas to help him (bc he knows that IF there’s an angel that would help him it’s cas)

cas is too afraid though and dean gets pissed and literally breaks up with him (D: "you spineless, soulless son of a bitch. what do you care about dying? you're already dead. we're done." C: "dean-" D: "we're done!")

this is the episode in which cas makes his decision and chooses dean over heaven

5x03 - Free to Be You and Me

in the previous episode sam and dean had a fight and split up. this episode starts out with dean being pissed and annoyed and just in a bad mood in general

when cas shows up and asks for help dean is very grumpy and doesn’t want to help at first but then reluctantly agrees

throughout the episode, the more time dean spends with cas the better his mood gets (honestly this point is worthy of its own separate post, i have enough screenshots lmao)

like he’s even smiling at the end of the ep when he’s talking to cas in the car!! (except then he looks over and realizes cas has left mid-conversation again and that smile is wiped right off his face and i’m sad :( )

when they’re in that brothel dean mostly has eyes for cas, even when chastity the hooker is standing right next to him

after the brothel incident when dean is cracking up and goes “it's been a long time since I've laughed that hard. it's been more than a long time. years.” like... buddy. your crush is showing.

and the way cas smiles lovingly at dean laughing next to him

dean be like: “personal space” also dean: *reaches into cas’s coat without hesitation* *fixes cas’s shirt and tie without hesitation*

also the funniest thing about the whole “personal space” moment in the motel is that there was more than enough space for dean to step aside and increase the distance between him and cas if he had really been all that uncomfortable but he just. doesn’t. no he just stays right where he is

when raphael is trapped in the holy oil and threatens cas all “castiel, I'm warning you. do not leave me here. i will find you.” and cas goes “maybe one day. but today, you're my little bitch.” and walks away and dean tells raphael “what he said” like the impressed and proud boyfriend that he is

inside jokes (see here)

some more iconic quotes/moments from this episode:

“cas, we’ve talked about this. personal space”

“so, what, i'm thelma and you're louise and we're just going to hold hands and sail off this cliff together?”

“well. last night on earth. what are your plans?” “i just thought i'd sit here quietly.”

“let me tell you something. there are two things i know for certain. one, bert and ernie are gay. two, you are not gonna die a virgin. not on my watch.”

5x14 - My Bloody Valentine

hunter husbands!!

the way that dean is not in the mood for hook-ups on valentine’s day and then goes to stare at cas like That

that iconic phone call at the hospital where cas just appears in front of dean who nearly runs into him

cas be looking at sam while listing all the things people can be starving for, and then looks at dean before saying “love”

ok i know this doesn’t have that many points but really this entire ep is great, i very much enjoy all the interactions between cas and dean in this ep

like when dean is not hungry and cas is all “you're not gonna finish that?” and grabs the plate without waiting for an answer bc they’re this married in s5 already

6x20 - The Man Who Would Be King

i mean... this one is obvious isn’t it

this ep is literally all about how cas is doing everything for the winchesters aka dean

the way sam and bobby cautiously voice their suspicions of cas to dean has the same energy as carefully breaking it to a family member that you think their partner is cheating on them

and when they trap cas in the holy oil and confront him dean also acts like a betrayed wife(gn)

which is such a stark contrast to how sam and bobby react to the betrayal (they’re mostly just like “eh this sucks” while dean is emotionally affected)

and even in the following episodes dean is way more affected by cas’s betrayal than sam and bobby are and dean is the one who argues the most with cas (honestly, this entire arc is literally that post that’s all “how do i know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”)

ok but the holy oil scene is truly like a soap opera (i mean... “where were you when i needed to hear it?” “i was there. where were you?” and dean looking back at cas one last time before running away)

this is their first big break-up and it takes them until the s7 finale to make up

special shoutout to cas watching dean rake leaves

this ep is a LOT

7x17 - The Born-Again Identity

dean’s FACE when he sEES CAS. and then DEAN’S FACE AGAIN when “emmanuel” is all “what’s your issue?”

dean’s face all throughout that first scene with “emmanuel” and daphne, I’M

“you know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. you know, whatever it was. It might take me some time, but... i always could. what cas did... i just can't – i don't know why” BECAUSE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM, IDIOT

the way dean interrupts all irritated when meg goes “i think we're gonna be good friends too” at “emmanuel” (jealous bf much gsdlksafd)

the way dean kept the trenchcoat just in case so he can give it back to cas should he return (which ofc he did)!!!!

7x21 - Reading is Fundamental

yet another one of those “how do I know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”

at the beginning of the ep at some point sam’s phone rings and when he says that meg (who is watching over cas at the mental hospital) is calling, dean is quick to stand up and even tho meg called sam, dean is the one who ends up having the phone call with her lmao

also dean has no chill during that phone call lmao (he’s irritated when he finds out meg didn’t call them right then and there as soon as cas woke up and he’s immediately concerned when meg says cas is different, while sam’s just standing there holding his phone out to dean, being all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ lmao)

dean: *pissed af at cas* also dean: *almost breaks his own neck at the speed with which he whips his head around at the mention of cas’s name and is desperate to know his location when cas calls meg after dean blasted him away with some other angels at the hospital*

ok no but then meg tells cas their location and cas zaps into the car and it’s hilarious how quick dean is to interrupt whenever cas turns his attention to meg in that scene

8x07 - A Little Slice of Kevin

dean seeing cas everywhere

when you see your best dudebro outside the window in the middle of a storm but when you get up he’s gone and you feel like crap because you could’ve made it out of the war zone together and you just cannot fathom why he didn’t try harder and you just don’t understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling (and judging by dean’s reaction to sam’s suggestion, clearly it’s not survivor’s guilt)

dean’s FACE when cas suddenly appears behind him in the bathroom

jacting joices: the infamous boner scene (yet another example of “how do I know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”)

jacting joices pt 2: sam and dean are talking case and then cas walks over to join the conversation and there is literally no reason for dean to check cas out (see here)

during the rescue mission when cas zaps into the room and has a stand-off with crowley and then when dean finally manages to break into the room, can i just say... the way dean immediately rushes to cas (who’s ended up on the floor) and grabs him by the shoulder before he bothers to look around the room

D: “that was a bonehead move back there. you could have gotten yourself killed. why didn't you wait for me?” C: “well, i didn't get killed. and it worked” D: “and if it didn't?” C: “it would have been my problem.” D: “well, that's not the way i see it.”

the purgatory flashbacks when dean keeps insisting that cas is coming along with them back to earth and won’t hear otherwise

“i did everything I could to get you out – everything! i did not leave you.” “so you think this was your fault?”

“look, I don't need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? for failing you like i've failed every other godforsaken thing that i care about! i don't need it!”

i know we hate buckleming but this episode, man. this episode

8x08 - Hunteri Heroici

i was gonna put this as a special shoutout but then it turned out that i had more to say about this ep than i initially thought

it’s the way dean and cas keep gravitating towards each other in the first half of the episode. no seriously, they somehow keep ending up beside each other and you start wondering “what’s personal space” (friendly reminder that this is the ep right after they’re finally back together again after purgatory)

the married energy and the bickering

the “talk to me” scene where cas finally opens up to dean (but then interrupting moose strikes)

at the retirement home dean to sam and cas: “no flirting you two” then CUT to: dean and cas sitting at a table with an elderly lady who is staring at cas with heart eyes and... lady: “you are so pretty, charles” dean: *must look at young nurse’s butt immediately to distract myself from gay thoughts*

i’m sorry but the way he smiles so widely at cas at one point when they’re talking to that lady, like, she’s just called cas a bounder and dean’s amused about that but his amusement is not in any way malicious and his face is just so full of love when he looks at Cas, it’s embarrassing really (see here)

9x06 - Heaven Can't Wait

ok so i haven’t watched this ep in like 5 years so my memories on this aren’t as fresh as with the previous eps but! it’s the way that cas and dean act exactly like exes (who are still in love with each other) in this ep

dean’s face as he’s staring at cas through the shop window

dean’s smile when he shows up inside the shop

the entire “i can’t let you do this cas” scene in the car

the infamous fanfiction gap

special shout out to:

5x18 - Point of No Return for all the bickering (“you know what? blow me, cas”) and especially “well, cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that… i got laid.”

6x10 - Caged Heat for the pizza man and dean’s reaction to all the megstiel (like jealous bf much?)

6x19 - Mommy Dearest for the strong married energy dean and cas give off in this ep (honestly, all their bickering, it’s glorious) (friendly reminder that this is right before tmwwbk)

7x23 - Survival of the Fittest for the “i’d rather have you cursed or not” scene

8x02 - What's Up, Tiger Mommy? for the purgatory flashbaks with that one monster calling cas dean’s angel and the reunion scene by the river with highlights such as “nice peach fuzz” and “i prayed to you cas, every night” and “i have a price on my head, and i've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you” and “cas, we're getting out of here. we're going home” and “cas, buddy, i need you” and “let me bottom-line it for you. i'm not leaving here without you. understand?”

8x17 - Goodybe Stranger for “i don't know, dean. if he's so sketchy, then why were you praying to him?” and the entire crypt scene (yes this is a big one and yes i’m still only putting it as a special shoutout and yes it’s bc of the megstiel content this ep ok bye <3)

#there is also the late s9 ep where cas chooses dean over an angel army #then i vaguely remember 11x03 being a good destiel ep #and the s12 ep with the ''i love you. i love all of you''??#i know people are still going crazy over the mix tape but i don't remember if the ep itself was very gay #oh and 13x06 - tombstone gets talked about a lot as well #when cas comes back to life at the end of the widower arc and dean goes from extremely depressed to happy af #15x09 was a pretty good one as well i think #and ofc 15x18 with the big ''i love you''#anyway this was fun #i should really continue with my spn rewatch #but the thing is that i'm actually journaling and making notes #and that requires brain #and i currently just don't have the energy to make all this effort just for a tv show #who knows if i'm ever gonna finish this project #oh well #asks #anon #destiel #spn #lmk if i've missed anything (from s4-s8 that is)

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septembersghost · 3 years

Note

About your post on 6x02 and 6x03: The way people say Dean is emotionally repressed has been on my mind since 15x18 aired. I think people misunderstand what Dean does to make it through life as a highly emotional person and it frustrates me.

Dean feels /everything/ and feels it more acutely (as Cas even says). I don’t think he represses feelings, but what he does do very well is compartmentalize his emotions. Even when he does express his anger or concern, I feel like we’re getting 75% of what he’s actually feeling and it’s spilling over cause he can’t save it for later to work through on his own. I partly think that’s a learned tactic from j*hn’s upbringing; it was never a safe space for Dean to express himself so he learned to wait until he was alone to work through things. I think he got better about this over the years, but it seems like a separate issue than repression which is why it frustrates me that people miss that 😓

Dean feels everything, exactly. He feels the entire scope of emotions, and we KNOW that. I said this...somewhere else, probably in tags, but it’s the repeated use of the word repression, and the meta from people who claim he’s not self-aware or needs to “come to terms” with himself that drives me out of my mind. Guarding oneself for preservation due to abuse, self-guilt, trauma, and a desire (part of which is innate, part of which was drilled into him as necessity/his sole value) to be the reliable/caretaking one is NOT repression. He is very aware of what he feels. He is very aware of who he is. (I include his identity and sexuality in this.) He’s fully-formed from the beginning, and then unfurls even more of his emotional depth as time goes on. We consistently see him using his EQ in the way he deals with and approaches situations, it’s part of why, for example, he has the established connection he has to children, where it’s easier to show that earnestness, or why he makes connections everywhere he goes, even when that might not be the expected outcome. There’s a reason why he’s honest with, as other examples, Cassie and Lisa. There’s a reason why people (or non-humans, as the case may be, when we’re talking other entities, ie: Castiel, Benny, whomever) so readily attach to him and find themselves devoted to him, and his empathy is a very significant factor.

people make jokes about “Dean hates himself, but everyone else knows he’s exquisite,” but part of that self-loathing is because he DOES feel so much, because he does take on so much burden, and he can’t put it down, and those feelings persistently beat in his heart. He’s always pounding against the bars of his world and warring with how much of that he can safely display. Note that when he does fully express his emotional state, whatever it may be, the vulnerability of that (and even when it comes out in anger, there’s still an underlying vulnerableness to showing that, and his anger is generally fueled by hurt/grief), he often gets shamed/judged/told to shelve it for the greater good. He has to compartmentalize to survive, but it’s not about repression at all.

15x18 has several components to it, the primary one being shock. there was far too much ugliness and discounting of how in-character his reaction was, but it would not be like Dean at all to immediately formulate a response to a speech that would be difficult to process, partially because that acknowledgement that all his actions were taken for love was a monumental thing, and partially because it is also wrapped up in more loss and trauma. As lovely as that scene may have been for its meaning (and that scene is about Dean’s power to change others for the better, that’s why it’s an act of selflessness, because it’s not a confession of expected return, but rather one of understanding through love and not needing more than that), as much as I hold close to the the words of it because I’d believed and written about his capacity for love and his acute ability to feel for ages, as much as I’d wanted him to hear that for so long, for Dean, it’s also terrible, with Death pounding on the door and an inky void bursting forth to claim one of the few people he trusts/relies upon. It’s being told how important he is and how loved he is before he loses someone. Again. It’s reinforcing that he’s poison and that everyone he loves is punished or abandons him, or both. There’s absolutely no response he could give in that scene that would make sense other than what happened in the moment. He takes Cas’ words to heart and it’s beautiful that he does (literally one of the only things I have for solace now lol), but it would be impossible to do in those desperate minutes.

And this is 100% personal projection/subjective perspective (and I own that, it’s fine), but as someone who is very sensitive and emotionally intuitive, at times to a detriment, and as someone who experiences self-loathing/deals with suicidal ideation/self-blaming as an extension of many things, tbh a huge part of where that comes from for me is because I am deeply emotional, and take on responsibility for things even when I know I cannot control them, and ache from it all the time. I know who I am and what I feel and why I feel it, and I can put it in neat boxes and tie ribbon around it when I have to, but sometimes it comes rushing out uncontrollably.

Sera Gamble said in S6: “I think that there's the literal soullessness and then there's the metaphorical soullessness.There's what you give up to save people in this horrible way, because the job itself is hard and violent and disgusting. I mean, you just have blood in your mouth all day, every day. It's a terrible, terrible, terrible way to live. I mean, the more you actually think about what they have to do on a daily basis, the more it's like, "How much of himself did he have to turn off to be able to do that?"” Dean, whose default is tenderness (as I say too often!) could not make it if he wasn’t able to navigate those emotions and turn things off when he has to. All that violence and destruction for someone who’s also good at tending things, at making things? What choice does he have but to literally soldier on? It’s courage and intellect and badassery, sure, but it’s also very mundane necessity of day-to-day survival. To keep living - it’s what he says, keep grinding, no matter how much it hurts. He has no other choice. It doesn’t mean we don’t know the depth of his emotional intelligence and care. It doesn’t mean HE doesn’t know it, he absolutely does. From S1 through to the end, he was always the most emotionally expressive person in the story. There is a reason why we could talk for days about how often he defies and deconstructs and gorgeously redefines his own archetypes.

It just...it hurts me seeing any of that discounted, or framed in a way that erases his agency/personhood/sense of self (as if the show didn’t do that enough). Dean is profoundly human and multi-faceted and complex, he is unwaveringly himself, but he’s not a mystery (to us or himself). I love him tremendously for all that he is (and I am VERY tired and don’t know if I’m expressing this as eloquently or properly as I could...), but seeing his essential character misinterpreted or ignored altogether is like...more pieces of him being stolen, and I couldn’t take that and would champion him on any given day in the past, but I really can’t handle it after what happened. Dean’s emotional resonance and honesty is a driving force for everything, it’s all revealed to us in the text, in the words he says, in what others say, over and over again in his direct actions.

As I said in the post about Swan Song, the core foundation of this story is built on love, and SO much of that, the soul of that, is an extension and reflection of Dean.

#starrynights-brokenhalos #dean feelings #dean winchester #supernatural #dean meta #can we please abolish the word 'repressed' when it comes to him?#i'm exhausted so i hope this makes sense and does this concept some form of justice idk #i mention the swan song post only bc i almost ended up restating half of it and it's easier to simply point back to it #i just. i love him unfathomably. this is not new information but it is worth reiteration.#was already a tag #and i'm very over the way fandom keeps treating him like something he wasn't? i want him back so bad meta does not get to take him #also this post does not even begin to TOUCH upon his skills and his INTELLECT #because we would be here all night #*#letterbox #spn liveblog #(sort of so i'll file it there)

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loki-lover84 · 4 years

Text

We Missed You

A/N This is my first attempt at a Castiel oneshot it isn’t great but I hope you enjoy it none the less.

Ever since Castiel found out what it was like to be human he'd started to get a grasp on peoples issues, especially emotions. We'd always been close friends and I'd always harboured a crush on the fallen angel and when he was temporarily human I could've sworn he returned them. Dean's constant teasing toward the pair of us made me want to believe it more than I originally thought I did. Eventually it got to the point were Cas sat down and asked Sam and Dean about feelings and why he felt 'funny' when he was around me, I remember Dean cheering and being overly enthusiastic about it and Sam was just being supportive for him and tried to give him sincere advice over Dean's typical remarks. Even after overhearing the discussion I still couldn't bring myself to act on anything with Cas.

It was not long after that, that Castiel was returned to fallen angel status and now I knew that any possible chance of a relationship together was out of the window and would be frowned upon but, I couldn't control my feelings. Each day they got stronger and stronger for him, what I didn't know was that the same was happening to him. The feelings he'd caught had stayed with him and it wasn't until a hunt nearly ended badly and resulted in my near death that Castiel confessed.

"I knew that human life could be very delicate and short but... I don't like the concept of ever losing you Y/n, it's painful not physically of course but emotionally. When I was a human Sam and Dean brought it to my attention that what I feel for you is commonly referred to as love, after tonight I believe they were telling me the truth." Castiel confessed gazing at me with his sapphire blue eyes whilst his hand gently rested on my cheek as he healed me.

I don't think that I could ever forget his confession even if a witch cast a memory spell on me, it was so awkward and so Castiel. Once I was healed I placed my hands on both of his stubble covered cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss, right then and there not caring that the brothers and a flaming corpse were present. Since then Castiel and I had become a couple. Dean would constantly make jokes and tease us Sam would join in occasionally but mostly just left us to it.

Castiel had joined the brothers on a hunt and they'd left me at the Bunker because I'd been feeling unwell feverish, fatigued, vomiting and dizziness. That was over two weeks ago I've spent my days scrolling through group photos missing everyone and having no social interactions fucking sucked I'd binge watched various shows on Netflix, read up about lore on random creatures and figured out why I was unwell because of that I was absolutely terrified.

I was pregnant. My fallen angel boyfriend was nowhere in sight. We were alone.

A few days later

A loud thud reverberated in the corridors of the bunker startling me out of my daydream. Instinctively I dove for my angel blade and caressed my stomach promising to protect my baby, not knowing what to expect I took a deep breath and hesitantly left my room. Staying against to walls I ventured round the bunker to dispose of the intruder or intruders.

"Where do you think she is?"

"Well you couldn't have just expected her to be sitting out in the open in her condition."

"It's been weeks, she should be over it for now."

They knew! Were they Angels, Demons or something else? Either way this isn't going to go well, one pregnant hunter versus multiple unidentified beings. They were in the library judging by the how loud they were from the distance away I am. I can sneak through the map room and see what I'm up against before making some kind of plan of attack. Peeking around the wall I relax at the sight.

"Whatever you say but I mean we did leave her alone for quite some time I'd be amazed if she hasn't gone crazy."

"Gee, thanks D." I say making my presence known, "It's great to see you too."

"N/n! You're looking a lot better." Sam smiles standing up for a hug.

"That wasn't a hard goal to achieve, I'm pretty sure my head was in a toilet when we last spoke." I retort hugging the younger Winchester.

Dean stood up and made his way over to us as we parted.

"C'mon it's gotta be my turn now, right?" I look over to him for a moment before hugging him as well.

After separating I took in their appearance the pair of them bruised, bloodied and battered still.

"Your hunt looks like it went well... Where's Castiel?" I ask looking around the room.

Why hadn't he healed them I understand his grace is limited now but he'd still at least try to heal them.

"Oh he's-"

"He's what Sam? Where is he?" I ask frantically.

"I'm here." I hear an all too familiar deep voice say.

I turn to the direction of the voice and there I see him in the map room near the steps to the library. Quicker than I ever thought my body could move I ran over to him threw myself into his arms whilst kissing him. The kiss was deep, passionate and filled with love as he supported my body one arm around my upper back and his other supporting one of my legs.

An awkward cough sounded from behind me presumably from Dean causing us to stop the kiss, I stayed in his arms and rested my forehead against his.

"I love you." Cas whispered.

"We love you too and we missed you." I respond with a small smile losing myself in his oceanic eyes.

"What?" Dean exclaims.

"Is she? Y/n?" I hear Sam question.

Geez these guys are great listeners when they want to be. Cas hadn't responded which instilled fear in me.

"Angel radio was talking a lot about a possible Nephilim and I never once thought... Wow." Cas eventually responded with a smile on his face before kissing me sweetly.

"Does this mean we get to be uncles?" Dean asked excitedly.

Remaining in Castiel's arms he turned to his side so that I could look over at the brothers.

"Of course! I couldn't think of a better family for our child."I smiled sweetly at the enthusiastically giddy Winchester.

Later that night

I laid in my bed snuggled up to Cas being held in his warm embrace made me feel safer than I ever thought would be possible.

"Hey Cas, I was looking into Nephilim's and there weren't many cases but they all said that the mother died during childbirth... do-do I only have eight mo-months left?" I sniffled trying to hold back my tears.

"I won't let that happen if I can find out how to prevent it you'll live with me for all eternity." Castiel whispered back to me.

"But, I'm human I won't ever get to do that unless..."

"Unless what?" Cas perked up sounding hopeful that there was already a solution.

"You and the boys definitely won't approve but I'm willing to do it. There's always Rowena, she has a revival sort of spell that when she dies it brings her back but needs to be redone once it's revived you."

Castiel didn't do anything for a while until he pulled me closer to him.

"I don't trust her but, she could be our only hope we'll discuss it in the morning. Goodnight my love I'll watch over you two always." Cas hums kissing me on my forehead and resting his right hand on my so far unchanged stomach.

#castiel x reader #pregnant #castiel #angel #dean winchester #sam winchester #supernatural #cute #fluff #love #kissing #oneshot #hunter!reader #romance #boyfriend and girlfriend #relationship #family #x reader

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440mxs-wife · 4 years

Text

When Words Fail, Music Speaks

You were working what you thought was a routine hunt to clear out a vampire's nest. The members had been terrorizing the locals, picking them off one by one. This time, though, your intel said they had grabbed a family, parents and their eight-year old daughter. The father was driving down the road, and they were captured when they happened to stray too close to the vamps' nest.

Dean had the accelerator mashed to the floor, trying to get to the family as quickly as possible. When you got to the location, you counted four vampires standing watch outside. You, Sam and Dean did a quick weapons check before going in, making sure your blades were sharp and that you had syringes of dead man's blood on you.

Sam went first, taking out two vamps, one after the other. You engaged the third one, slicing its head clean off. Dean took out the fourth one and you all silently moved downstairs into the main nest area. As you made your way through the building, the metallic smell of blood was almost overpowering.

Your eyes swept left and right, keeping watch for the parents and child you hoped to rescue. In a glance to your left, you saw the father, mother, and eight-year-old girl hanging on a rack. Tubes were coming out of their arms and connected to bags that held their blood. You walked up to the father, checked for his pulse and found none. You moved to the next body, that of his wife, and no luck there either.

You checked their daughter, and found a faint pulse. While you were setting her free, Sam and Dean were clearing the rest of the nest, about six more vampires. They ran to your position after they were done, and you informed them that the daughter was still alive, but barely. Dean scooped her up and started up the stairs back to the Impala.

On your way out, you sent a prayer to Castiel to meet you by the car, that you desperately needed his healing help. As requested, Cas was waiting for you when you all got out. He pressed two fingers to the child's forehead and stretched out with his grace to try and heal her.

Cas bowed his head. "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. This child is already gone," he stated.

"No, try again, Cas. You've got to do something, she's only eight years old, give her a chance!" Dean exclaimed.

"I cannot bring this child back, but I will take care of her from here. I can assure you that her soul has gone to Heaven, as did the souls of her parents," Cas explained.

"Well, that's just peachy, Cas. This child should be worrying about nothing more than getting a skinned knee falling off of her bicycle, not...." Dean trailed off.

You gently laid a hand on Dean's arm to try and comfort him a bit. "Dean, we got here as quickly as we could. You couldn't have driven any faster," you said.

He shook your hand off of his arm. "Yeah? Well, small comfort for this kid who won't get to grow up and do all of the things she's meant to do with her life," Dean retorted. "Let's go."

You knew by the tone of Dean's voice that it was an order to get in the car, not a suggestion. You exchanged a look with Sam before getting into the back seat. You both knew that by the way this hunt ended, things were going to get pretty tense around the bunker. Hopefully, things would turn around before too long.

The ride back to the bunker was a quiet one. Dean didn't put any of his cassettes in and didn't seem interested in speaking to anyone about anything. He made a stop for gas once, and since you weren't sure if he'd stop again, you got out and used the facilities.

Sam was filling up the Impala's gas tank when you came out of the convenience store. You leaned against the Impala and looked up at the younger Winchester. "Sam, I'm worried about Dean. This one seemed to hit him pretty hard," you started.

"Yeah, especially since a kid was involved. Even though there was nothing more he could've done, he's going to keep beating himself up about it," Sam remarked.

"I guess all we can do is be there for him when he is ready to talk about it. Which will probably be around a quarter to never-o'clock," you replied. "I wish there was something I could do to help him," you added.

"If anyone can get through to him, I'd put my money on you," Sam said.

"Really? Why me?" you asked.

"You're persistent without being pushy. I can tell that you care about Dean, I mean, you two are best friends. I think you are coming from a place that's more than friends, though. You love him, don't you?" Sam inquired.

"What? Sam, don't be silly. I....I....Oh, I give up. You're right, I do love him. It tears me up to see him do this to himself. He knows we can't save everyone, and I realize that's a bitter pill to swallow for all of us. Yet he blames himself for everything that went wrong, most of which was out of his control.

"All we can do is make the best effort to save as many as we can. The people we save? Their lives go on to touch other people, who in turn affect others and so on down the line. I think that's our legacy, and that's what I want to help Dean remember," you finished.

"Truer words were never spoken. Like I said, I'm putting my money on you being able to get through to him," Sam smiled and gave you a wink.

By this time, Dean came walking out of the convenience store with his bag of snacks for the road. "Ain't you done yet putting gas in?" he grumbled. Sam gave your shoulder a quick squeeze before you got back into the backseat. He replaced the fuel nozzle on the pump, refastened the gas cap on the Impala and resumed his place in the front seat. Dean started the car and drove the rest of the way back to the bunker, again, in silence.

You woke up when the Impala rolled into its parking space in the bunker garage. Dean abruptly got out of the car and headed for the bunker door. He was halfway down the spiral staircase by the time you had gone through the door. You watched as he briskly walked through the War Room and to his bedroom. You jumped when you heard him slam his bedroom door.

As you slowly walked to your bedroom, you didn't notice that Dean was coming down the hallway at the same time on his way to the showers. Just before you ran into each other, you stopped and moved to the side. Only problem was, Dean moved to the same side, which left you still blocking each other's path. After a couple more attempts to dodge each other, Dean put his hands on your shoulders to keep you in place. He then walked around you and continued on his way to the shower without a word.

Once you got done with your shower, you wandered into the kitchen to fix dinner for the three of you. Meat loaf, mashed potatoes and baked beans were comfort foods for you, so you thought it might help bring Dean at least part of the way back. In your meat loaf mix, you added some onions and bacon bits along with all of the other usual ingredients.

While the meat loaf was baking, you got to work peeling some potatoes. Before you got started, you put your headphones in your ears and opened the music app on your phone. Music had always been a part of your life. When you were younger, your mother told you stories of how your grandpa used to play his guitar and sing for people. Singing had always been your escape. Didn't matter what kind of music, even if it was the jingle for a commercial, singing made you happy.

Dean walked into the kitchen to grab something to drink. When he got to the doorway, he saw you standing at the sink, peeling potatoes. You were singing "Walking After Midnight" by Patsy Cline, and were swaying your hips in time with the music.

For Dean, your voice seemed to bring the song to life, about a young woman searching for her lover under a starry night sky. And oh, what your swaying hips were doing to him. He thought about what it would be like to hold you in his arms and dance with you. He would gaze into your honey-and-green colored eyes and be mesmerized. Your sweet smile would lead him to capture your full pink lips with his own and melt into their softness.

You turned around to grab a pot to put the peeled potato chunks in and gasped in surprise at Dean standing in the doorway. You turned off the music and yanked the earbuds out of position. "Sorry, Dean, I didn't see you standing there. Is there something you need, something I can help with?" you asked.

He came in, yanked open the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. "No, thanks, I don't need anything," he answered gruffly. "How much longer before dinner anyway?" he snapped.

"I think about another 45 minutes, give or take," you answered. "I'm making mashed potatoes and baked beans to go with the meat loaf," you informed him.

"Fine, I'll be in my room," he grumbled as he walked back out of the kitchen. You finished peeling the potatoes and preparing the baked beans in silence. The music could no longer comfort you at the moment.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dean chose not to join you and Sam for dinner that night, but you fixed him a plate he could heat up later. Even after all that work, though, you found that you really didn't have much of an appetite. You were concerned about Dean, with how closed off he was emotionally and isolating himself in his room. You didn't feel much like eating with all that was on your mind.

The next morning, you took out the eggs and bacon to start making breakfast. You noticed the plate that held Dean's dinner from last night was in the sink. Good, you thought. At least he got something to eat last night.

You cracked eggs into a bowl, separating the whites for an omelet for Sam and put the extra yolks in a bowl for Dean's omelet. You added spinach, mushrooms and some onions to Sam's omelet, while you put onions, ham, and green peppers in the one for Dean. You had added cheese to both omelets and were just finishing plating them when the boys walked in. You added a few slices of bacon to each plate, then set them on the counter.

"Wow, this looks great, thank you for making breakfast," Sam smiled in appreciation.

"What's in this?" Dean asked.

"I added onions, green pepper, ham and chee--" you started.

"I never asked for green pepper, when have I ever asked for that in my omelet?" Dean snapped.

"I'm sorry, I've made other things for you with green pepper before, and you never said anything," you replied.

He shoved the plate away from himself and grabbed some bread for toast. "Well, that doesn't mean I want it mucking up my eggs, now does it?" he sneered.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I'll remember that for next time. Excuse me," you said as you left the kitchen.

"Dean! That was uncalled for! She made you a nice breakfast and all you can do is find fault. Now, I know you're probably still stinging from what happened on the last hunt--" Sam started.

"Sam, don't even THINK about going there! It was MY responsibility to get that girl out alive after those vamps got to her. I should've driven faster, left sooner, SOMETHING. She shouldn't have died, Sam!" Dean thundered.

"I know, Dean, she shouldn't have. I know you blame yourself, which you shouldn't. But you're also taking it out on your brother and your best friend. We're the people that love you and care about you the most," Sam froze as he realized at that moment that he may have accidentally let your secret slip out about your feelings for Dean. Fortunately, Dean didn't seem to notice because he stormed off to his room, but not before taking his breakfast with him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After you finished the breakfast dishes, you called out for laundry to be done. Sam took his to the laundry room, but Dean had yet to do so. You knocked on Dean's door and asked him for any clothes that needed to be washed. He told you he would take care of it and to leave him alone. You told him you would give him 10 minutes to gather his dirty clothes or you would come in and do it for him. A few minutes later, he opened the door, shoved a basket full of dirty clothes out, then slammed the door. Sighing, you picked up the basket and headed for the laundry room.

As you stood up, you felt a little lightheaded. You nearly dropped the basket of Dean's clothes, but you closed your eyes and leaned up against the wall until the dizziness subsided. Once you had regained control, you took Dean's clothes to the laundry room to start them in the washer. You put the washing machine on a heavy-duty cycle, because you were certain there were shirts with blood stains on them from some time ago.

You went to your room to get your book, then you changed your mind. You were going to try and talk to Dean and see if he would open up to you about how he was feeling. Sam seemed to have confidence in you, so you decided to give it a try. You walked over to Dean's door and gently knocked. At first he didn't answer the door, so you tried knocking again. As your knuckles were about to connect with the door, Dean yanked it open, glaring at you.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"I'd like to talk to you about something that's been bothering me, if that's all right," you started.

"Why don't you go and talk to Sam about it, I'm kind of in the middle of something," he answered.

"Please? Dean, you're my best friend and I'd really like to talk to you about this," you tried again.

He rolled his eyes, but stood back to let you in the door. You waited for him to find a seat on the bed, then you sat next to him. "So, what is this all-important thing you had to talk to me about and not Sam?" Dean retorted.

"I've already talked with Sam about it. I told him how worried I am about you," you explained.

"Oh, come on! Not you too," Dean grumbled. "I'm fine, I just want to be by myself right now, okay?" he growled.

"No, Dean, it's not 'okay'. You sit in your room all day, you come out for meals maybe, and I'll bet you haven't showered yet today," you huffed.

"So, we're not going anywhere, are we?" he snapped.

"No, but that's not the point!" you exclaimed.

"Then what is the point? Please make it so that you can feel like you've accomplished something and I can get back to communing with myself," he ranted.

"That's it. I've tried to be nice, Winchester, but I'm tired of you pushing me and Sam away. We're the ones who care about you and love you, and we can forgive, but even we have our limits," you retorted. Taking a deep breath and trying again, you said, "Dean, it hurts my heart to see you do this to yourself. You know we can't save everyone, because you've told me this on so many occasions. You also can't blame yourself for everything that went wrong."

On a softer note, you continued, "I wish you would let me in to try and help you, Dean. You don't have to be the strong one all the time. What I told Sam when we were outside of the convenience store is this: All we can do is make the best effort to save as many as we can. The people we save? Their lives go on to touch other people, who in turn affect others and so on down the line. I think that's our legacy," you finished.

Dean sat quietly for a moment before responding. "Look, I appreciate you coming in here and trying to fix whatever you think is wrong with me, but it's not your place. I've got to work through this in my own way. Now, if you'll excuse me," he gestured towards the door.

You got up from the bed and stomped out of Dean's room. As you walked down the hall, you felt a searing pain in your head, but you kept walking. You were passing through the library when you spotted Sam on his laptop. "You were wrong, Sam. I tried, but I couldn't get through to your brother," you said as you winced at the pain in your head.

"Hey, are you okay? You look a little pale," Sam asked.

"I'm fine, Sam," you said as you got that lightheaded feeling back again. You were having trouble keeping your balance so you leaned against the table for support. You took two, maybe three steps towards Sam then you saw the floor rushing up to meet you and your world went black.

Sam raced over to your side, trying to get you to wake up. "Dean!" he called out. "I need your help!"

Dean rounded the corner to see you passed out on the floor and Sam kneeling beside you. "What the hell happened?" he demanded.

"We were talking, then all of a sudden she passed out. Just before she did, I told her she looked a little pale," Sam explained. "Do you know when the last time was that she ate anything?"

"I didn't see her fix herself an omelet this morning, but didn't she have dinner with you?" Dean asked.

"No, she put stuff on her plate, but just kind of picked at it. She didn't really eat much, if anything last night. I know she didn't have any breakfast either, come to think of it. At least not what we had," Sam mentioned.

Your eyelids fluttered and opened to see a worried Sam and Dean hovering over you. "What happened?" you mumbled.

"You were talking to me, then you passed out. When's the last time you ate much of anything?" Sam asked.

"I had some beef jerky when we stopped for gas, but other than that...." you trailed off, looking around.

Dean took both of your hands in his and looked into your eyes. "Honey, come on. You know you have to take care of yourself, which means eating something on a regular basis," he started.

"Really, Dean?" you retorted as you pulled your hands away. "You? Going to advise me about taking care of myself? You've been holed up in your room since we got back from that hunt. You snap at anyone trying to reach out to you or give you a chance to open up. I care so much about you, and I love you so much that it hurts me to see you do this to yourself. So, do me a favor, Dean. The next time you want to lecture me about taking care of myself? Don't," you snapped. You hastily scrambled to your feet and stumbled towards your room.

Dean stared after you for a few minutes, not knowing quite what to say, but knowing you were right. "Well, that was both barrels. You might as well let me have it too, Sam," he stated.

"I don't think I can improve on that. She summed it all up quite nicely. Although, I think you missed an important part of what she said, though," Sam smirked.

Dean ran back through your speech in his mind. When he got to that one particular part, he jumped to his feet, his eyes landing on Sam's face. "Wait. She loves me?" he asked incredulously.

"It would appear so, Dean. The question is, how do you feel about her, and what are you going to do about it?" Sam posed to Dean.

Dean took a moment to consider his feelings about you. The two of you were best friends, had been for years now. You have always been there to support him and frequently give him a shoulder to lean on. You could almost always make him laugh with your silly voices and lame jokes. You were patient with him and he knew you never have given up on him, and never would. Everything you did was done with your whole heart, there usually was no halfway with you.

Then....seeing you in the kitchen the other day when you were making dinner, he thought a little deeper. When you were listening to your music, you were so into what you were doing, you seemed to forget about the world around you. The way you were swaying your hips to the music made him want to take you in his arms and be your dance partner. Your voice was like an angel, bringing the lyrics to life for him. And those lips....he knew that once he touched his lips to yours that he would be ruined forever for all other women.

Dean got a huge grin on his face. "I know what to do now. Thanks, Sam," he said as he bolted from the room to put his plan into action.

You were sitting on your bed, feeling really stupid and scared, considering what happened earlier in the library. You thought that you probably pushed Dean completely away, driving him further into isolation. Also, any shot you might have had with him was likely gone now, especially after everything you said to him. All of a sudden, you could swear you heard a guitar and singing. You opened your door to find Dean standing there with his guitar, serenading you.

Angel Eyes by The Jeff Healey Band

Girl, you're lookin' fine tonight And every guy has got you in his sights What you're doin' with a clown like me? It's got to be one of life's little mysteries

So tonight I'll ask the stars above How did I ever win your love? What did I do, what did I say To turn your angel eyes my way?

Now I'm the guy who never learned to dance Never even got one second glance Across a crowded room was close enough I could look but I could never touch

So tonight I'll ask the stars above How did I ever win your love? What did I do, what did I say To turn your angel eyes my way?

Don't anyone wake me, if it's just a dream 'Cause she's the best thing ever happened to me All you fellows, you can look all you like But this girl you see, she's leavin' here with me tonight

There's just one more thing that I need to know If this is love, why does it scare me so? Must be somethin' only you can see 'Cause girl, I feel it when you look at me

So tonight I'll ask the stars above How did I ever win your love? What did I do, what did I say To turn your angel eyes my way?

"Hey," Dean said softly with that heart-stopping smile of his.

"Hey, Dean," you returned. "Your guitar playing and singing were beautiful," you remarked shyly.

"May I come in?" he asked. You nodded and after he entered your room, you closed the door behind you, leaning against it.

"Dean, I---" you started.

"Wait, I have something to tell you first. You were right. I wasn't being fair, and you were only trying to help. I just get so focused on what went wrong and blaming myself, that I forget about the huge amount of good that we do. Promise me that you won't ever give up on me? That you'll keep trying to get through to me no matter how much I might push you away?" he implored.

You looked at him with unshed tears shimmering in your eyes. "Never, Dean. I'll never give up on you, as long as you don't give up on yourself," you replied.

Dean gently set his guitar down on the bed and crossed over to where you were still standing by the door. His rough, calloused hands cupped your face as he swiftly and tenderly captured your lips with his. As your mouths moved together, your lips parted just enough to let his tongue slip in to tango with yours. You started to get that lightheaded feeling again, but this time it was from Dean's amazing kisses, not from lack of food.

When the kiss was broken so that you could both catch your breath, Dean looked at you and smiled. "I was right," he said.

Puzzled, you asked, "About what?"

He caressed your face as he explained. "I knew that the moment I kissed you that I would be ruined forever for other women," he said softly.

"Good thing, because I believe you've ruined me forever for other men," you replied huskily.

"Here's to our mutual ruination, then," Dean grinned as he dove back in to claim your mouth as his. "I love you so much," he said between kisses.

"And I love you, Dean," you returned.

#dean winchester #deanxreader #dean winchester x reader #spn fanfiction #spn fluff #spn imagine #supernatural

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acrackedchassis · 3 years

Text

the mirrors surrounding you did as they were meant to, reflecting back a spitting image of misha collins - but it’s clear something is wrong from the moment that a vision of restructuring heaven with jack strikes you. perhaps it was a passing daydream in the frenzy of the funhouse. you reassure yourself - you’re CASTIEL, an unknown/forty-five year old doctor whose virtue lies in your compassion & good intentions, although you’ve been told that you tend to be quite naive & intense, and you’re associated with falling stars burning brightly, praying to an absent father, and slowly learning how to love by those around you. suddenly, however, you’ve found your angel blade on your person - was that always there? from the moment you leave the funhouse, memories from your life in SUPERNATURAL have begun to return - leaving whoever you had been before in the mirror’s reflection behind you. you can almost hear take me to church by hozier following in your wake.

tw homophobia, death mentions, mentions of religion and potential religious trauma, abuse

I would like to formally apologise for the complete and utter mess that is everything below. I got... very carried away with canon. If you make it through all my rambling, I tip my hat to you!

BASICS

Name: Castiel, but Castiel Novak in his alternate life. Nicknames: Cas, but he’ll accept any nickname that isn’t disrespectful. (Please don’t use Cass. I understand that this is canon, but given that it’s a stupid-ass decision, I’ve elected to ignore it.) Age: 45 in his alternate life. In his canon life... we really don’t know how old he is. Old. Very, very old. Gender/pronouns: He mainly uses he/him, but he'll accept any. He’s agender. Sexuality: Asexual and homoromantic. Species: Angel. Specifically, he’s a Seraph.

CANON LIFE

I don’t know how to summarise twelve years, but I’m gonna give it a go. And if anyone would like to know more, here is his wiki... good luck!

Anyway, so! Cas is an angel who we first saw introducing himself to Dean as the person who fought through Hell (literally) and pulled him out of it. At first, we see him as a soldier of Heaven who obeys all orders given to him, but that begins to change the more he gets to know the Winchesters (primarily Dean), as he learns the importance of free will and tries to help the brothers.

Since then, he has helped the brothers stop the apocalypse, started a civil war in Heaven, absorbed all the souls and leviathans from purgatory to become God, become an angel again, lost all his memories and believed he was a human called Emmanuel. He regained his memories, took on Sam’s hell trauma and spent some time in a psychiatric hospital, then helped Sam and Dean defeat Dick Roman (leader of the leviathans) and got sent to purgatory with Dean.

He did his best to keep the leviathans in purgatory on his trail to keep them away from Dean. Dean tried to make him leave purgatory with him, but Cas insisted on staying, believing it wouldn’t work because he’s an angel (also that he deserved it), and stayed in purgatory for longer. Once he was out, he found out an angel called Naomi was controlling him to find the angel tablet, and tried to make him kill Dean, which he didn’t do. Then he teamed up with Metatron, who manipulated him into making all of the angels fall from Heaven, and eventually stole his grace.

Cas spent the next three months as a human working in a gas station, started stealing other angel’s grace so he’d have his powers back, got his army back, lost his army, locked Metatron up, and got his own grace back. He was put under an attack dog spell by Rowena, regained control of himself, agreed to allow Lucifer to possess him in order to defeat Amara/The Darkness, and was possessed by him for several months, but eventually gained control of himself again when Lucifer was exorcised.

He later tracked down Kelly Kline, who was pregnant with Lucifer’s son, Jack, believing the Nephilim to be dangerous, until Jack (still a fetus) showed Cas paradise, proving to him that he was good, and Cas chose to become his protector. (Basically, he adopted him.) Cas was killed and sent to the Empty, was woken up by Jack’s powers, annoyed the Empty Entity/The Shadow until it sent him back, and he reunited with the Winchesters and Jack.

Later, he found out about an AU version of Michael (Apocalypse world) wanting to invade their universe, got captured by Asmodeus, escaped, tried to find Gabriel to restore Heaven, travelled to Apocalypse world with everyone else, and when they got back, apocalypse Michael came with them. When Dean was possessed by Michael, Cas went looking for him, got manipulated and captured by a demon, and defeated said demon with Sam. They later found Dean, Jack died, and they tried to recruit help to resurrect him.

Cas went to Heaven in search of Jack’s soul, Heaven was attacked by The Shadow who wanted to take Jack, Cas made a deal with the Shadow to exchange himself for his son, the Shadow said that it would let him live for now but come to take him when he experienced a moment of true happiness.

Later, Dean and Cas fought after a soulless Jack accidentally killed Mary. Chuck/God manipulated Sam and Dean into wanting to kill Jack, they locked him up in the Ma’lak box which Cas tried to prevent, and later, when Chuck tried to convince Dean to kill Jack, Cas tried to stop that too. Chuck killed Jack, rose spirits from hell, and Cas fought them with the Winchesters after Chuck vanished, met Belphegor who possessed Jack’s body, who he absolutely hated for this reason. Cas worked with the Winchesters, Belphegor, and Rowena to try to send all the souls back to hell, went to Hell with Belphegor to do so, killed Belphegor before they could complete their plan, which lead to Rowena having to die for them, which lead to tension rising even further between Dean and Cas. Cas left, then later returned.

Cas and Dean went back to purgatory to get a Leviathan blossom to use for a spell to lock Chuck up, got separated, thought they’d lose each other, then were reunited and got back to earth. That plan failed.

They tried to help Jack become powerful enough to take down Chuck, but when that plan failed too, Billie chased after Cas and Dean, wanting to kill Dean. In order to save him, Cas sacrificed himself to the Shadow by telling Dean that he loved him and allowing himself a moment of true happiness. Some time after that, he was resurrected (we don’t really know how, but can assume it was Jack’s doing), and Cas worked with Jack to rebuild Heaven into something better.

ALUCARD LIFE

Castiel’s childhood was an incredibly unhappy one. With extremely religious yet controlling parents, he was expected to do as he was told, and to fit into the mold his parents wanted of him. They were both physically and emotionally abusive.

He was a lonely child, didn’t get along with other kids very well, and found it hard to make friends. Was always considered ‘strange’.

Isolated from his extended family as his parents didn’t get along with them.

Never came out to his parents, even after leaving them and cutting them out of his life, as they were very homophobic and made it very clear to Cas that they’d never accept him.

Has always been very intelligent and was almost always top of his class.

Went to medical school and became a doctor because he wanted to help people.

MISC

Cas’ wings were destroyed back when he and the other angels fell from Heaven, BUT I’ve decided that when he was saved by the Empty, his wings were also restored. It’s what Cas deserves. Fight me.

Also his wings are like oil slick!! Black but rainbow!! Again, fight me!!

Fucks up a lot when trying to do the right thing. Has never done anything wrong in his entire life.

A Grumpy Soft Boi.

Has died many, many times. The last time, because he told Dean he loved him and let himself be happy.

Serious dad issues and for good reason!! In canon, Chuck lied to everyone and made them believe he was a prophet, while being absent as God for an incredibly long time. Awhile after he eventually revealed himself as God, it was revealed that he had actually been controlling and manipulating Sam and Dean the entire time, writing their story for them. Cas was (somehow) the only person Chuck couldn’t control.

Loves bees and has an apiary as a hobby.

Doesn’t understand sarcasm and doesn’t get (most) references, even though Metatron once gave him knowledge of pretty much every story ever.

And there may be errors in my intro or things I’ve forgotten, so I’ll probably come back and edit all this at some point!

#' i'm an angel of the lord ( about ) .#dhq.intro

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drsilverfish · 4 years

Text

Nothing Gold Can Stay... (15x04 Atomic Monsters)

Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

Hey everyone, as ever, I am catching up British-time, so I haven’t jumped into your posts yet, but I’m looking forward to it!

I’m sure there are some great gifs and discussions already out there about Dean and his “man meat” grief-eating.

But I thought I’d start with Veronica and Robert Frost.

Those of you who’ve been following mine or @occamshipper ‘s musings on the use of alchemical themes in Dabb-era SPN will know that gold was highly significant to the medieval alchemists. It was their ultimate goal, to turn “base metal” (lead) into gold, and that was understood as a metaphor (or a mirror on the earthly plane) for the refinement of the soul on its journey to God.

Next week’s episode, 15x05, is titled Proverbs 17.3, and in the Bible, Proverbs 17.3 reads (King James version):

The fining pot is for silver, and the furnace for gold:

But the LORD trieth the hearts

Gold is, officially, a theme. As is the symbolic red of the heart.

As Becky tells Chuck, it’s not the monsters (ooh shade at the Leviathan, whom Chuck thinks were “great”, just like he thought the ending of Game of Thrones was “great”) which SPN fans are really interested in, it’s the emotional interactions between the characters - i.e. their hearts.

Becky, in Perez’ metafictional commentary, is the fan-fiction representative who has come to understand the SPN story better than sucky origin-writer Chuck. She knows it’s about the emotional notes, the heartfelt conversations between the hero characters (including Cas, since she shades his non-mention all too often in Chuck’s MOTW stories) - aka the real “gold” of the story.

Interesting also, in terms of alchemical colour symbolism, are Sam’s God-wound induced “red visions”, which seem to be of an AU in which Sam has succumbed to his old demon-blood addiction (symbolic of his S5 apparent “destiny” of possession by Lucifer):

I was waiting for the Ouroboros (spiral/ circular narrative) reference to 5x04 The End (in its numerical correspondence to 15x04). And here it is, because Sam in the red-vision in 15x04 speaks in a similar voice to Lucifer!Sam in The End. Dean in the 15x04 red vision is a desperate fighter and Sam has said “Yes” to the demonic, just as was the case in 5x04 The End.:

In alchemy, there are four traditional colour-stages along the alchemical transformational road from lead to gold - nigredo (blackening) albedo (whitening) citrinitas (yellowing) and rubedo (reddening). Reddening is the final stage before gold. So Sam’s red-visions, and the gold which becomes a theme in 15x04 by means of the quotation from Robert Frost’s beautiful poem, are linked pieces of alchemical symbolism.

Their meaning, I think, is that just as Amara’s link to Dean through the Mark of Cain changed Amara for the better (she learned about love through experiencing Dean’s “heart” through the Mark in S11, thus shaking off The DarknessTM to become clothed in yellow, the colour of the sun, at the start of S15), so Sam’s link to Chuck through the God-gun (of equalising/ revenge) will (hopefully, eventually) change Chuck for the better. A balance of powers - the feminine God-principle and the masculine God-principle, both learning compassion and becoming their higher selves (achieving the spiritual synthesis of “gold”) through their links to the (red) hearts of the Winchesters.

That means suffering for the Winchesters along the way, of course, as they too, undergo the alchemical process of self-transformation by (eventually) fully facing their Shadows (their unconscious); Sam’s fear of being permanently “contaminated” by the demon-blood fed to him as a baby, and Dean’s fear of abandonment (stemming from the loss of his mother) which leads him to be over-controlling and to act out and push people (ahem, Cas) away.

But back to Veronica. Veronica who quotes Robert Frost’s lovely poem in her tribute speech to her “best friend” Suzy (possibly, her lover - that subtextual reading is certainly available).

Veronica is a fascinating character, because she is “read wrong”, by Dean in particular, who thinks she’s the vampire, the one killing her cheerleader rivals in order to get the top spot. And he’s wrong because, as Sam points out, she has braces, a no-no for vamp-teeth. Dean is really sarcastic about the memorial speech Veronica is practising for Suzy, of whom she says, “I’m lost without Suzy, it’s like a piece of my heart is gone.”

Here is Dean, being a sarcastic little shit about Veronica’s emotive school-girl speech:

Of course, Veronica’s eulogy for her dead beloved, who was “gold” and thus (in her Frost’s poem analogy) was too beautiful to last in this world, is too painful for Dean to hear. It verbalises what he cannot (he can’t even bear to speak Castiel’s name, all episode):

“My best friend Suzy who I miss like she was a part of me, and in many ways she’s still a part of me.”

In subtext, Dean also reads Veronica “wrong” because he thinks she was Suzy’s rival, when in fact, she was her lover (part of a Veronica-Suzy-Billy love-triangle, the F/F element emphasised by their attendance at a school called “Beaverdale” where “beaver” is of course slang for vagina).

Look at all those red hearts (symbols of romantic love) on Suzy’s memorial pin-board, Indeed, look at all that red in general. A “match” for Sam’s “red-visions”. If Sam’s rubedo (alchemical reddening) trial is his God-wound, Dean’s is his separation from Cas:

Veronica, it seems (unbeknownst to the Winchesters) is a neophyte hunter (as well as, in subtext, Suzy’s lover) a sleuth, on the trail of whoever killed Suzy. And it looks like she knows it was a vampire. When Sam and Dean are questioning her (and she’s clearly suspicious of them) we see her with a syringe of what looks like blood behind her back, ready to jab them:

We know, from 1x20 Dead Man’s Blood, that in the SPN universe, a dead person’s blood can temporarily take down a vamp. So it seems that whilst Dean suspects Veronica of being the vampire, she suspects the Winchesters (a recurrence of SPN’s perennial - “Who is really the monster?”/ it’s not black-and-white theme. The reference to Dead Man’s Blood is also interesting, as this was an early episode in which Dean defied his father (stepped out of being John’s “good little solider”, who did see monsters in black-and-white) yet now, we have, Ouroboros-style Dean regressing to old John-learned behaviours (conceal, don’t feel) after the second death of Mary.

I love this little Veronica detail. It’s an un-explored thread in the story, a piece of fan-fiction catnip begging for further elaboration. More Perez meta-narrative, in fact, in which he suggests that, despite the sinister Chuck and his insistence on a final SPN ending with a gravestone reading “Winchesters”, the story itself is WaywardTM; it is capable of fluidity, of control being wrested from the origin-creator (God). After all, Chuck created free will, and despite his desire for total control, he cannot undo this wild-card element in the narrative, which Veronica’s little secret hunter-identity (in subtext, also, her secret queer identity) just like Becky’s fan-fic, is a mirror for.

Veronica’s citation of Frost’s melancholic poem becomes a metaphor for (Dean’s) lost love. Just as Sam’s mention in the final Impala scene, of how he still thinks about Jess often, becomes a verbalisation for Dean’s own constant (unspoken) thoughts about his own lost love; Cas.

Veronica and Billy (who were possibly both Suzy’s lovers; although in text it’s Billy, in subtext Veronica, true to SPN’s ongoing bisexual subtext in relation to Dean) exchange a memorial bracelet to Suzy in front of Suzy’s picture, as Veronica tells Billy a piece of her heart is gone:

Both are mirror images for Dean - Veronica-the-vampire-hunter who mourns excessively, and Billy-the-vampire, who has killed the person he loved (just as Dean has driven Cas away):

Dean is forced by Chuck’s authorial hand to kill Billy, who is both a representation of his own lost son, Jack (Chuck’s cruel re-staging of the scene in which Dean almost kills Jack in 14x20 Moriah) and of Dean himself (symbolising Dean’s present “self-murder” aka his self-punishment and repression re Cas):

Nothing gold can stay....

Frost’s poem is also used by Perez as a metanarrative commentary on the sadness we all feel as SPN draws to a close. Everything beautiful has its time to fade and die, Frost says; even SPN, says Perez.

Frost’s poem also makes reference to Eden, to the Fall, and how that was, in God’s plan, an inevitability; the descent from the Godly to the earthly.

It’s noticeable how, just as The Fall was presented as Eve’s fault in the Bible, Chuck is, yet again, trying to eliminate the feminine principle from the narrative, just as he has always done throughout SPN (which began with the deaths of Mary Winchester and Jess). Chuck kills Suzy, as the driver of the episode, and he “poufs” Becky (the fan-fic writer) out of existence (possibly into an AU) so he can finish the story the way he wants, just as he has re-murdered Mary Winchester (or possibly also poufed her into an AU) to continue the Winchesters’ suffering.

But Chuck’s determination to arrive at a tragic ending, an ending in which the feminine principle is still subjugated, Perez suggests, can be subverted, because the seeds of subversion are already there in the story; Veronica’s secret and subversive sleuthing (slash her subtextual queerness), Becky’s emotionally open, subversive, fan-fic, and the continued yearning of the Winchesters for true free will (not yet knowing Chuck is still actively f-ing with them) despite the burden of their grief,

If gold is the result of the final alchemical synthesis, of “masculine” and “feminine” principles, of the conscious and the unconscious mind, here represented by Chuck-the-author and Becky-the-fan-fic writer (who were once a couple, but are now broken up, just as Chuck and Amara, Dean and Cas, are currently broken up).... Then, the alchemical symbolism suggests, the darkness of the break-up stage (The Abyss, which we are currently in) can be overcome by the red (rubedo) power of the heart - Sam’s God-wound trial, his heart-connection to Chuck, and Dean’s own heart-wound trial, the loss of his (heart) connection to Cas.

Yes, we are still working on the power of love.

Love ultimately confounded Chuck’s apocalypse in S5, when TFW went “off script” and, Ouroboros-style, it can do so again in S15.

Chuck can be overthrown (transformed), Perez tells us, by his own story; and thus the story can find its own (heart-filled) free will ending.

Perhaps, after all, something gold can stay.*

*My usual disclaimer applies - none of this suggests or implies an inevitable Dean/ Cas romantic (unequivocal) textualisation.

Although, I would like to think that Perez, by including the by now all too formulaic Dean-is-bisexual subtext via bisexual (subtextual) mirroring in 15x04, is commenting, meta-fictionally, on Chuck’s (aka TPTB’s) (wearisome) eternal tendency to do this, thereby suggesting that the over-turning of Chuck’s narrative control should, by rights, also include the overturning of this formula into... something new.

#Supernatural #15x04 #Atomic Monsters #SPN meta #Meta #5x04 #The End #Ouroboros narrative #Alchemy in S15 #Alchemy in SPN #Dean is bisexual #Still subtext #But subtext IS part of narrative #As above so below #Mirroring as narrative device #Chuck Shurley #SPN metanarrative #Long post for TS

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maydei · 4 years

Note

So I've just gotten into the samifer ship and I came across you fic(I love it so much, it is by far my favorite samifer fanfic). I know it's been a long time since you've updated, I just need to know one thing, is there a happy ending for them?

Hi Anon! Thank you so much, it means a lot that there’s still people out there reading my Samifer works!! <3 I’m going to assume you meant TBK (The Boy King) since that’s my main unfinished/discontinued work for the ship. I think it’s been long enough that I’m comfortable revealing the rest of what I had planned, insofar as I remember it:

There were a lot of things that were going to happen: breaking the seals, Sam killing Adam, getting kidnapped by the Winchesters, tortured by Dean, and branded by Castiel with anti-possession sigils that made him inhospitable as a vessel. Sam, of course, would not take this well. Lucifer, even worse.

By the time Sam was freed by Meg, Lucifer would be so focused on freeing Sam from his bonds that he would never actually have the conversation that he didn’t blame Sam for the results of what happened. It would have caused a rift between them that caused Sam to be reckless with the way he lashed out at Heaven in the aftermath.

Dean and the Winchesters would mourn Adam’s death. After Dean gives himself to Michael temporarily to break the warding in that battle, he would have to recover from the physical overload. It strains the relationship between Dean and Castiel, once Dean starts questioning how Cas’ vessel feels about everything they’re doing, etc.

tldr, but eventually Sam finds a way around the sigils (what I had planned for this is now hazy in my mind, I think Jesse was involved somehow, but Jesse does end up fleeing the way he did in canon). Sam and Lucifer reconcile, and have a lot of development over the fact that while Lucifer is an archangel, Sam is human. There are things he needs emotionally that he can’t just know without being told. The months of tension between them fade and they reconcile.

Sam and Lucifer vs. Dean and Michael. It’s a rough battle, Cas dies, a bunch of people don’t make it, but eventually, Sam is fatally wounded by Michael, but in that, the Winchesters are able to see that while Sam has never really been theirs, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t loved where he was. As he passes, his soul is fractured and broken. Lucifer, furious and broken by Sam’s loss, is sealed back in the Cage, alone.

But something (someone) intervenes; after an unknowable stretch of time, Sam’s soul is put back together, and also put into the Cage with Lucifer where they share an emotional reunion. They come to the realization that, yeah, okay, they lost. But being separated is far worse than losing. They will spend eternity together, caged, but not tormented. It’s the closest to peace they’ll ever get.

John and Adam and Cas and the rest are revived, scarred with the memories of what happened, but ultimately alive. God’s version of utopia is essentially that nothing changes. Everything goes on. The Winchesters’ versin of a happy ending is that they all live through it, in the end, and they get to continue hunting together, knowing that Sam is gone, but he wasn’t entirely a monster, they did everything they could to save him.

So... I don’t know if it’s considered traditionally happy, but ultimately I think it was going to be the happiest anyone could be. Samifer stays together but the world is safe, and in a very Supernatural-esque way, everything changes but nothing does.

And that’s what I’ve got!

#luc replies #fic: tbk #samifer #luc writes

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naruhearts · 5 years

Note

OKAY SO I've just spent the best part of an hour scrolling through your blog and reading a bunch of your destiel meta and I HAD to message you... I was one of the many people who STRONGLY believed destiel had a chance of being canon after season 8 (more like season gr8 am i right), but throughout the years I slowly lost all hope. However, S14 has made me 110% invested in the show again and YOUR META IS GIVING ME HOPE FOR DESTIEL, which is TERRIFYING. Your writing is wonderful and I'm STRESSED.

Got back from Washington late last night!

Oh my gosh @alovelikecas, your message really made my day and I’m SO glad you enjoy my meta xox (even when most of my meta looks like, to me, sloppy-ass writing, haha! I’ll probably make an end-season meta post after 14x20 — if I have the time — that touches upon SPN’s current and repeating themes since Season New Beginnings S12/Dabb Era, not to mention I have, like, some more unfinished meta in my drafts >.>)

Yeah I mean, I didn’t join Destiel land until Summer 2016, and before that, I was late to the Season 11 party, so I basically had no narrative context for anything, and I’ll copy-paste what I said here:

Looking back, one significant thing I recall? S11 gave me a sense of Destiel’s true narrative validity (as not a ‘fanon’ ship but organically developed in the canon) when I perceived it as a season that was ‘missing something’. Keep in mind I had no idea about Destiel yet while watching S11 at the time.

I was literally asking myself — repeatedly — why Dean/Amara seemed to contain odd narrative holes, considering A. Dean explicitly said that the non-consensual attraction he felt for Amara was NOT love and “it scares him”, B. Amara told Dean that ‘something stops you - keeps you from having it all’, C. Djinn!Amara stated that she can: ‘feel the love [Dean] feels, except it’s cloaked in shame,’ and D. Mildred’s iconic ‘You’re pining for someone’ —> which did not logically correlate with A and C, meaning: since Dean doesn’t freely love Amara and thus isn’t possibly pining for her — with female love interests as currently non-existent (I remember crossing off the dead/gone girls on a piece of paper lol) — who the hell was he pining for, then?

Originally posted by elizabethrobertajones

Obviously, without writing long-ass paragraphs of meta about it again in this post, S11 made sense as soon as I watched it within the Destiel context (especially after I read up on some grandiose pieces of Destiel meta (@charlie-minion was the very first person who inspired me to write meta; I followed her once I joined the fandom Oh my god, here we go, holy crap this subtext – I’m invested in this godforsaken ship because they’re in love with each other and I’m not getting off any time soon. The rest is history.

I’m aware that I do come off as positive (and I’m still Destiel-positive; whatever happens in 14x20 this week may or may not change that), but I hope you don’t mind if I use your lovely ask as an additional opportunity to clarify my meta standpoint: no one’s saying Destiel WILL become text.

The general Destiel meta community (all subfactions: Destiel-positive, -negative, -neutral, and in-between) is not the Most Holy Canon Word, and we aren’t SPN writers, and again, we can’t actually speak to the veracity of Destiel as guaranteed-gonna-go-textual, but we — a diverse pool of critical thinkers from all walks of life: particularly those who have some degree of experience in literary academia/English literature studies (fun fact: I was actually pursuing a Minor’s in English until I changed my mind - my first love’s Health Science/Biology, which I stuck with, but here I am doing lit-crit analysis on the side *wink*) — can speak to the veracity of Destiel as a real, palpable, and ever-substantial long-running romance narrative aka the love story between Dean and Cas IS THERE. I see it. We all see it. We didn’t pluck it out of the random ether one day. It naturally evolved across the show’s overarching narrative like some vast spiderweb, linked together by numerous character arc amalgamations of Dean Winchester and Castiel as separate individuals who were then brought together — who brought themselves together, by the sheer force of free will and choice — and are now inherent parts of the other’s story (and respective character progression).

I say this too many times to count: the entire point of writing meta? Personally, it enables me to appreciate the literary gorgeousness of Dean and Cas’ relationship as, first and foremost, a tentative alliance offset by the very moment Cas raised Dean from perdition (it’s a poetic beginning). Their alliance then inevitably proliferated into a rocky — at times, necessarily turbulent — friendship, then a deep profound bond…one that crossed platonic boundaries since S7/8 and is, ultimately, indelibly rooted in romance. Together, Dean and Cas build up each other’s strengths, complement each other’s flaws, and narratively motivate the other to self-introspect — to become the best version of themselves that they were always meant to be: self-actualized entities who let go of their painful, horrifying, psychologically/emotionally destitute pasts.

These above reasons and more are why I think Destiel belongs right up there on the shelf of Ye Olde Classics, similar to epics by John Milton, Shakespearian tragic dramas, Homeric characteristic cruxes, and the great Odyssey journey: a legendary journey, fraught with circumstance, that finally ended with Odysseus (now an enlightened man) returning to Penelope, the love of his life.

Channeling the scope of Homer’s Odyssey, Destiel is an incredible storytelling feat of obstacles, both internal and external, romance tropes, mirroring, foreshadowing, and visual cadence/emotion, enhancing SPN’s already character-driven main plot in that Dean and Cas try to make it back to one another; like Penelope, their love holds true despite everything. If Destiel were an M/F couple, we all know their love story would be absolutely undeniable to the GA.

I do understand the bitterness S14’s fostered in some viewers, though. I do understand that Dean and Cas seem distant (and yeah, it’s a noticeable difference compared to S12/S13), but I believe the Destiel subtext is still heavy and holds steady.

Right now, at this point, there remains multiple personal issues for the characters to solve, you know? Dean and Cas aren’t talking properly; their love languages stay mistranslated, although we’re persistently shown that they still understand each other on a certain level that no one else can, and the visual narrative keeps framing them as on-the-nose solid counterparts: a domestic-spousal romantic unit independent of Sam.

Originally posted by incatastrophicmind

They want to be there for the other. They need to quash the final remnants of their respective internal loathing (Dean’s self-worthiness, Cas’ self-expendability) before they’re able to give the other 100% of their time, efforts, attention, and love (as flawed and complicated but compellingly beautiful as it can possibly be). During the times Dean and Cas do try to talk shit out, extraneous issues continue to get between them.

As other friends/meta pals discussed with me, S14 is like S10 in that it’s confusing the cast/audiences. And exactly: S8, besides S11/S12/early S13, also belongs in the close-to-canon serious Destiel narrative transition! I can discuss the showrunning/writer problem of SBL (Singer + Bucklemming; @occamshipper hits the nail on the head) that tugs subtext – especially subtext linked to Destiel – back and forth, sometimes in the weirdest nonsensical ways, but I won’t go too far into it here. I agree, however, with the recent idea that Jensen does seem a bit confused as to where he should bring Dean emotionally this season (don’t get me wrong, I do NOT believe Dean is OOC; OOC is a completely different concept vs expected character behaviour). And if Dean’s consistently romance-coded past interactions with Cas are any indication, Jensen would also — in the same vein as all of us — want Dean and Cas to start getting their shit together. Long-running fictional characters like Dean and Cas, conceived over 10 years, are so well-written to the point where you, the author, can predict what they’ll do even if you just plop both of them inside a room and give them no direction, and I personally feel that nowadays Jensen is prevented from achieving Dean’s further internal growth/unsure how to act in the moment because of some dumb SBL scripts saying one thing while his character’s heart says another. Wank aside—

Season 15 should hopefully convey a much more logical subtextual perspective e.g. unbelievably amazingly cohesive Season Destiel 11 that aired after choppy S10. Not all hope is lost!! I also want to clarify that I personally LOVED Season 14 in general. It’s been mostly Emotion-centric constant, with Yockey, Berens, Perez, and Dabb usually making my top-rank SPN writer list.

Currently the narrative’s still allowing pretty significant (imho) wiggle room for the lovers to fracture apart and get back together, where their miscommunication comes to a dramatic head. We just saw Dean and Cas argue over Jack’s well-being in 14x18 and 19. Dean — besides putting Cas at the top of his You’re-Dead-to-Me-Because-You-Lied-but-I-Still-Love-You-Goddammit hitlist (for clear spousal-coded reasons) and taking Cas’ actions to heart (he’s the person he trusted the most who lied to him) — no doubt blamed himself for what happened, and Sam was, like I said, the mouthpiece of truth. TFW were all culpable. They all failed Jack in some way, shape, or form.

I’m not expecting anything for 14x20, but I’m nervous either way! Thanks for sticking with my long answer

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queen-of-deans-booty · 6 years

Text

The Art of Babysitting

Characters: Dean x Reader, Toddler!Sam, Toddler!Castiel

Word Count: 3,428

Warnings: major fluff, toddler!sam, toddler!cas, very cute and adorableness.

Request: Can I have a dean x reader request where the Sam and Cas get turned into toddlers and dean and the reader have to watch them until the spell wears off and dean can’t help but be in awe of the reader as a mom (they totally have a crush on each other but don’t act on it)? Please and thank you if you get the chance xoxo

Author’s Note: I’m sorry if this is bad or a piece of shit. I wrote this, like, 7-10 hours ago at work. I hope whoever requested this likes it. If you want to be a Queen or a Dean Bean, let me know and I’ll add you to the lists! So sorry this is out so late, but I hope you like it!

Feedback the glue that holds my writing together

Tags at the bottom

It was a long and excruciating hunt that left you, Sam, Dean, and Cas all tired beyond belief. Cas made some of the pain go away but not much of it. You had to deal with witches which are always a pain in your ass, but this one was no different.

It was hard to pinpoint them but once you had them, killing them was easy. There were four witches and four hunters. You each had your part to play and when you killed your witch, you ran and helped Dean with his. Sam and Cas were upstairs with their so the logical thing was to help Dean who was downstairs with you.

Ah, Dean, you don’t know where to start with that man. He was an amazing one and you hate that he couldn’t see that. He had so much shit poured on him at such an early age it was inappropriate. A kid is supposed to play on playgrounds, cry over a scraped knee and worry about who’s lunches they were going to trade with at school.

But, with Dean, it wasn’t those things he worried about. He didn’t play on playgrounds, but in motel rooms with his younger brother, wishing he was out there. He didn’t cry over a scraped knee, he cried when he couldn’t shoot the monster right, costing someone to get hurt. He didn’t worry about lunches at school, he worried about if his dad was going to make it home safely.

He didn’t have the best childhood and you wished you could take it all away from him. You wished you could take the pain away. He didn’t deserve it but in his messed-up mind, he thought he did. You loved the man but you never would tell him. You’ve always been too shy and embarrassed to admit your feelings to him.

He was Dean Winchester, a man of very few words, always going after women each week, and a hard ass. You were an emotional woman, loves the idea of kids and a family, compassionate and caring. Not that Dean wasn’t those things either, but you two were different people. You didn’t like the things he liked (not as much as he wanted you to) and he didn’t like the things you liked (not as much as you wanted him to).

You were more like Sam, if anything, but you didn’t want Sam. You wanted Dean. No one, not even Sam knew how you felt about Dean but you always thought Cas knew on some level. He was an Angel after all. But, pushing those thoughts aside, you were tired after the hunt and the minute your head hit the pillow, you were out like a light.

Your room was right across from Dean’s and a whole other hallway separate from Sam. At the time you picked your room, you didn’t know Dean’s room was across from yours. Dean has the biggest room in the Bunker and the next biggest room was right across from him. You liked sleeping across from him but you hated it when he brought back a woman. You heard everything that went on in his room.

You were just thankful he was as tired as you were. You didn’t wake up once during the night. The only time you woke up was at 7am when you felt a small person bounce on your body. The more you woke up, you felt two small people on you, calling out your name to wake up.

“What the hell?” You muttered, forcing your eyes to open. Even though you got 9 hours of sleep, you were still very tired. You looked up to see two small children on your body, smiling at you. You just stared at them, no knowing who they were or why they were in your room.

“Wake up, Y/N!” The taller of the two said with a giggle.

“Who are you?” You asked. You sat up more, the sleep wearing off the more you stared at the kids.

“Sammy!” He said, pushing over the other child before climbing off the bed.

“Sam?” You asked, your eyes widening. You looked at the other kid and noticed his bright blue eyes and dark mop of messy hair. “Castiel?”

“Come on, Y/N, get up!” Castiel said, following Sam off the bed. You stayed frozen, not knowing what to do even though they ran out of your room. Cas’ voice was a lot higher than normal which was weird but you needed to find Dean. You just hope he didn’t turn into a toddler like Sam and Cas did.

You got up and threw on your cardigan sweater and slipped into your pink fuzzy slippers before rushing out of your room. You saw Dean’s door open and knew he wasn’t in there. He only had it closed when he was in there.

As you made your way to the library, you could hear raised voices and shuffling coming from the kitchen. You walked in the kitchen to see Dean trying to cook breakfast but Sam and Cas kept trying to get to the food. Dean tried to cook and fend off the toddlers at the same time which wasn’t working out too well.

“Seriously, Sam, get off me. I’m trying to cook.” Dean complained, trying not to burn his hands. It was like Sam reverted back to his child self not only in the physical term but also emotionally. You knew if Sam were really in there, he would be listening and back off to let his brother cook, same thing goes for Cas.

You smiled and leaned on the door frame, watching tiny Cas run to Dean, crashing into his legs to bug him some more. If this what Cas looked like as a child, then Heaven was lucky to have seen that.

“Cas! Stop crashing into me!” Dean complained. You weren’t surprised you weren’t freaking out more. You’ve all been turned into something more than enough times because of witches. You knew Dean might need your help so you stepped into the room and cleared your throat.

“Need some help?” Dean, Cas and Sam turned to you and while Dean had a relieved smile on his face, Sam and Cas ran to you to bug you instead of Dean.

“Pick me up!” Cas said, holding his hands up. Sam crashed into Cas, pushing him out of the way.

“No, pick me up!” Sam said, doing the same motions as Cas did. Cas got tears from being pushed and you knew you didn’t want a crying child in the Bunker. You knelt and held out your arms, smiling at them.

“I’ll pick you both up. Come here.” You said with a smile. Sam was in your arms first before Cas was. Cas seemed to be better than before and you held both kids to you before standing up. They were lighter than you thought they were going to be which was easier. You put them on your hips and smiled at them.

“Now, boys, is it nice to bother Dean when he’s making you food?” You asked, talking to them like they were in trouble.

“No.” Sam and Cas said at the same time, bowing their heads.

“Now, what do you say to him?” You asked, raising an eyebrow at them. Before you were ever a hunter, you worked with children. You babysat a lot of the times and also worked at day care for very young children. Now, this is going to pay off.

“Sorry, Dean.” Sam and Cas said, looking at Dean. Dean stared at you and the boys before nodding and turning back to cook. But he always kept you in his line of sight. You smiled and walked to the kitchen table, setting them on chairs.

You smiled and fixed Cas’ hair since it was still messed up from whatever he was doing.

“Now, be good while I talk to Dean, okay? You don’t want to be in trouble, do you?” You asked, your voice sounding like how you would take to one of your kids back at the day care.

“No.” Sam and Cas said, shaking their heads. You smiled and moved some of Sam’s hair away from his eyes.

“Good.” You turned around and walked to Dean, taking his hand before pulling him away from the stove. It was a good thing he was done with the food and that he turned off the stove. You pulled him just outside of the kitchen before looking up at him.

“Care to tell me what is going on?” You asked.

“How did you do that? It was impossible for me to keep them calm.” Dean said, peeking his head back in the kitchen to make sure they were behaving. They were still at the table but playing with each other.

“I used to work at a day care before hunting. Plus, years of babysitting. Now, explain.” You said.

“Something must have happened when we were with the witches. But I don’t know since they were upstairs and we were down. We can’t have Cas try and fix it since he isn’t capable to do it. Plus, I don’t even know where Rowena is. We just have to do a lot of research.” Dean said with a sigh.

“Great, you get started on that.” You said with a smile, going to walk past him but he stopped you with a hand on your arm. You looked at his hand then into his eyes.

“Why me? Why don’t you do the research. You like it more.”

“Fine, have fun with the troublemakers. Let’s see you try and last an hour.” You said with a smile, turning around and walking away from him.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Dean said, rushing to your front, putting his hands on your shoulders. He didn’t do well with children at all. He didn’t know how to handle them. The last time he took care of them is when Sam was a kid. But that was so long ago, that he forgot.

“I’ll do the research and you handle them.”

“That’s what I thought.” You said with a grin. Dean glanced down to your lips when he realized how close you two were. But he pulled away from you and walked into the library. You sighed softly, wishing he would just man up and kiss you. But, you wished you could man up and kiss him. Maybe one day you would.

You walked back to the kitchen door and peeked in, seeing Sam and Cas try and reach the food that Dean had cooked. You grinned and rushed in, scaring the two children.

“What are you doing?” They both squealed and giggled, rushing back to their seats. You laughed and grabbed the plate of food Dean cooked and walked over to them, putting the food on the plates that were in front of them.

“Eat up, boys, Dean is going to find a cure for you guys. As much as I love children, I do love you both when you’re my age again.” You said with a smile, taking some food and eating it. Sam and Cas dug in and even though Cas didn’t eat when he was his normal self, you guess it had something to do with becoming a child.

“What are we going to do today?” Sam asked as he ate.

“Well, I’d figure we let Dean do his thing in the library and maybe you, me and Cas can play a few games while we wait.” You said, picking food up from their plates. They swatted your hands and you smiled, stopping yourself from stealing their food.

“We should play with Dean.” Sam said.

“We can’t, Sam. You know he needs to study.

“Do you like Dean?” He asked, Cas looking at you as well.

“What? Where did that come from?” You asked, a nervous chuckle leaving your lips.

“We can see you like him.” Cas said, taking a slow bite of food.

“Look, it’s a bit more complicated than that.” You said, a blush reaching your cheeks and ears.

“But do you like him?” Sam asked.

“Of course, I like him. I mean, who wouldn’t? He’s an amazing man and it sucks that he can’t see that. I may even love him.” You said quietly. Sam and Cas were smiling widely and you were about to say something else when you heard footsteps coming to into the kitchen. You shut up and saw Dean enter with a book in his hands.

“So, I found something out.” Dean said, looking at the kids before looking at you.

“What’s going on?” Dean asked when he noticed the looks on your faces.

“Nothing, what did you find?” you said quickly, getting up.

“Well, it’s not permanent, which is good. It says here spells like this usually last a day, if not less.” Dean said, closing the book he was holding.

“Good, so, I guess we can have a chill day, then.” You said with a smile. Once Dean nodded, Sam and Cas got down from their chairs and ran out of the room, laughing and giggling like children do. You smiled and looked at Dean before running after them.

You were ahead of Dean and caught Cas since Sam was taller and faster. Cas laughed and you held him close to your body as you tickled him. He squealed out very loudly and tried to get away from you but you wouldn’t let him go.

Dean smiled, and he watched you be with Cas and how happy you looked. If it weren’t for the nasty hunt yesterday, then he might have thought you were happy being here, content with spending the rest of your life in this Bunker.

Sam ran over to help Cas and once he did, you caught him in your arms.

“Help, Dean!” You laughed as both children climbed over you to overtake you. Dean laughed and he picked up his brother, holding him to his chest. You smiled and got up, taking Cas in your arms. You looked at Dean and if someone were to walk in the Bunker now, they would see a normal family. A wife, husband and two boys.

If only you could have that with Dean.

“Come on, why don’t we watch something instead? Maybe a movie and have a calm time?” You suggested. Sam and Cas nodded and agreed with you.

“I guess we’re watching a movie.” Dean said. You and he brought Sam and Cas over to the living room before Dean placed Sam next to you.

“What movie, boys?” Dean said, finding that term not strange at all. It felt normal for him to say it.

“SpongeBob movie!” Sam said immediately after. You and Dean looked at him with confused faces. You didn’t peg Sam Winchester as a man who liked SpongeBob but hey, whatever floats his boat.

“You heard the boy. Put on SpongeBob.” You said with a grin, happy that you were going to watch a kids’ film instead of a movie that Dean always chose. Dean didn’t say a word as he put the movie in, taking his place next to you. But Cas scrambled to get to the spot first, just beating Dean. Dean chuckled and looked at you before sitting next to Cas.

The movie started playing and Sam was content on being in your lap. You absentmindedly played with his hair, scraping your nails lightly on his scalp. You started to braid his hair which he didn’t’ seem to mind.

Dean wasn’t interested in this movie at all but he loved the way you looked while watching it. It made you look younger and happier. Even though Sam and Cas haven’t been kids for long, he could see that taking care of them made you really happy.

Then he got to thinking what yours and his kids would look like if you two had some. He could picture you with little Mary and her older brother Robert playing on the swing set that he built for them, and him, after a long day at the mechanic shop, he would be engulfed in his kids’ hugs and you, who he would kiss so passionately, the kids would look away and yell ‘Gross!’.

He hoped he would be able to have that with someone one day but no matter who he was with, he could only picture you next to him.

“Dean.” You said for the tenth time. Dean broke out whatever trance he was in and looked at you before looking down at Cas and Sam who were sleeping, cuddling into your side.

“We should get them to bed.” You whispered.

“But it’s only the afternoon.” Dean said, confused as to why they were sleepy.

“So? They’re children.” You said like it was obvious.

“Children have tons of energy.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe normal kids do but this is a 34-year-old man in a 4-year-old’s body. Plus, however old Cas is. They must be tired.” You said, hoping not to wake them. They looked so peaceful.

Dean took Cas in his arms but Cas woke up, looking up at Dean.

“Go back to sleep, Cas.” Dean said. You took Sam in your arms and stood up, turning off the TV. Sam didn’t wake up at first but as you walked to his room, you could feel him stat to wake up.

“Can Cas sleep with me?” Sam asked. You looked down and looked at Dean who had his eyebrows raised.

“Sure, if that is what you want.” You said with a smile. You knew Sam and Cas were really good friends but they weren’t as close as Dean and Cas. Sam nodded and Dean followed you to Sam’s room, putting Cas in bed right next to Sam. They both got under the covers and you smiled, ready to leave but Sam stopped you.

“Can you read us a bedtime story?” Sam asked. You knew he never had a mother and maybe you were a substitute for that. You looked at Dean who nodded and you walked over to Sam, sitting on the end of his bed. With Sam and Cas so small, Sam’s bed seemed so big for them.

“I don’t have any books for you, Sam. But, how about this, you and Cas go to sleep and when you wake up, I’ll make sure to have a story ready for you. I know you’re tired and as soon as I start a book, you’ll go to sleep. Okay?”

“Okay.” Sam said, snuggling into the blanket. You got up and kissed his head, pushing his hair back. You leaned over more and kissed Cas’ head, smiling at the two boys.

“Sweet dreams.” You said, leaving Sam’s room with Dean.

“You’re really good with them.” Dean said when it was safe to talk. You smiled and walked down the hall with him.

“Thanks. I love kids.” You said, looking at Dean. You wondered what yours and his kids would look like. If you had a boy, you hoped he would look like Dean with his green eyes and tan skin but if it were a girl, you would still hope she had dirty blonde hair and freckles all over her skin.

“Y/N.” Dean said for the second time. You snapped out of it, glancing at his lips as he licked them.

“Right, sorry, spacing out there for a minute.” You nervously chuckled.

“Right.” Dean said quietly, walking a little more to you. You looked into his eyes and for a second, you thought he was going to kiss but you but you must have been dreaming. You looked down as you stepped back, rubbing the back of your neck.

“If you just stay here, I’ll be able to get them some books to read. I don’t think the lore books is what they want right now.” You said, backing up from him. He stared at you and nodded. You didn’t know if it was the way he was looking at you or what but you bumped into the wall and jumped, chuckling nervously.

“Okay, bye.” You turned around and rushed away from him, grabbing the keys to the Impala. Dean smiled and watched you leave. He heard you talking to Cas and Sam earlier. He knew you loved him and now that he knew your feelings, he would have to do something about his.

He needed to plan something just right for you. He needed to tell you how he felt.

The Queens:

@maddieburcham1 @ginamsmith @mogaruke @whit85-blog @inlovewithbja @spn67-sister @kdfrqqg @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @roxyspearing @supercalifragilistic26 @mishamigose @cobrakai1967@essie1876 @wishedworld @crispychrissy @laqueus-ludovicus@nostalgic-uncertainty @jerk-bitch-and-an-angel@potterhead1265 @starswirlblitz @untitled39887 @ta-n-ja @deans-fallen-angel-boy @scarletluvscas @notnaturalanahi @tahbehonest@stay-in–place @dreaminofdean @posiemax @donnaintx@mikey1822 @alexandriajanae4 @li-ssu @just-another-winchester @obsessivecompulsivespn@emoryhemsworth @newtospnfandom @mizzezm @goldenolaf25

The Dean Beans:

@akshi8278 @mega-mrs-dean-winchester @winchesterandpie @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @carribear31 @tacklesackles@oreosatmidnight @not-naturalfangirl @missselinakitty @iam-a-cutiepie @kristendansmith @milo-winchester-4ever @jensenackesl @codyshany316 @pheonyxstorm @helllonearth @juniorhuntersam @pouterpufftrain @ruprecht0420 @shut-ur-face-and-get-in-the-car @carriemichelle2012 @aubreystilinski

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deanirae · 6 years

Text

:this is not yet the promised rant, but here’s sth else i wanna bring up separately bc so many years in this fandom and i always saw everyone p much only romanticize castiel’s choices in s6 and yell its misguided but powerful beautiful love which... no and it’s... not... me... being... biased....? it wasn’t even supposed to be taken the way people spun it around.

since you guys love them destiel parallels so much, lemme take you on a canon, textual ride, motherfuckers

6.08!!!! 6.08 which was sposed to make u feel uncomfortable!

- “lucky” was in a clearly lost position, like castiel at the beginning of s6. both took the chance with a dangerous source of new power, needed for survival

- both scruffy darkhaired white men uh oh

- lucky is hidden in plain sight, invisible (hello 6.20)

- sees himself as a protector of the woman he loves and of her son but truth is it’s creepy, based on a lie and when she really needs support the loving skinwalker isn’t there bc he has to be the soldier to protect her, fight a war and technically she doesnt really know him even tho he’s by her side for so long

- meanwhile castiel is lyin his ass, covering himself with doing it all in dean’s name, plays sweet n helpful with the mystery of sam (just like lucky brought the kid a plushie toy to score mama points!), but he’s working with crowley all the timeee so sam n dean are by proxy unknowingly tools in his war (lucky was considering changing his “family” to recruit them, ended up double crossing his partner, like castiel who got too “lovey-dovey” and betrayed crowley)

- both killed to “protect” the love from threats, keeping it a secret from the loved one and 6.08 made it clear those murders were out of line. lucky’s last one was just jealousy over a spouse (and while i know that im fetching far in this particular bracket, i find it interesting how at the very last, due to cas dean “lost” those who were the closest to dean’s heart beside cas. hm)

- if u still think castiel creeping out on dean on stealth mode or watching him sleep in 6.21 was adorable, put on 6.08, watch the scene where the loving protector, in naked caslike form watches the woman (who trusts him with her life, her son’s life) sleep and then turns back into innocent doggie, gets in bed with her and goes all licky and affectionate. hopefully do not come back to me with same opinion afterwards

- all of that was creepy n disturbing and it was meant to be taken as such. rightfully, everyone in the episode calls that psycho behavior, aint no-one bathing it in rose water

- “dog”, after revealing himself jumps to protect the woman and even later shows up at her doorstep with these pretty words:

I'm not here to bother you. I just...Uh, I just want to say one thing. You and Aidan... You're the only family I ever had. And I know – I know that sounds – I know... I know what I am. It... it's just that no one has ever been so nice to me before, so... So, thank you.

and now 6.21, just after Cas saved Dean from the demon:

I thought you said that we were like family. Well I think that too. Shouldn't trust run both ways?

you know what’s the saddest thing? when called a psycho, Lucky tried to apologize to her but he respected her decision and left her safely alone

castiel manipulated dean emotionally into compliance, and when that didn’t work, he harmed sam (who due to abuse dean sees more like his child than brother) and then put the blame for that on dean

so uhhhhhhhhhh can yall stop pretending that was not major creepy psycho bullshit and not a severe case of star crossed lovers ://////////// thats not what sera gamble wanted :/ and jc and andy keep sweeping it under the rug bc they’re trying to make a cute love story of something mangled beyond recognition so they never addressed that and woobyfied everything around it instead

#dean winchester #season 6 #castiel #did i just write destiew meta #supernatural #pls dont associate me with bibro part of antidestiel i hate sam let it be known

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goodfemalecharacters · 7 years

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Season 12 Codas

Since we’re all deep in hiatus, I figured I would make a master list of my s12 fics for anyone here on tumblr who’s interested. Fic list beneath the cut :)

12x01: Heartbeat

“The souls are gone,” Cas says, breathing a sigh of relief. He’s close enough that Dean can feel it on his face.

Cas slides his hand further back and finds his pulse. A human way of checking. Dean desperately hopes he doesn’t feel his heartrate tick up. They stay there for a heartbeat (Dean knows, he’s counting) longer than they have to before stepping back.

After they get back to the bunker with Mary in tow, Dean and Cas need to talk about the Lucifer thing.

ao3 / tumblr

12x02: On Eagle’s Wings

“So. Mom in action. Weird.”

Not exactly the best word for the utter confusion of seeing his mother a) stab someone and b) beat up on a seasoned fighter like Lady What’s Her Face.

Cas inclines his head. “I’ve found that sometimes the people we idolize are not what we expect.”

12x02 Coda. Sam and Mary go to church, while Dean and Cas have some God talk of their own.

ao3 / tumblr

12x03: Jet Lag

"The thing is, intellectually, Dean knows this isn’t permanent. Because even if he’s never been a parent, he practically raised Sam and he knows what empty nest syndrome feels like. Mom’s out there looking for her kids. Once she realizes that the only place she’ll ever find them is this bunker, she’ll be back. Or, at least, he hopes so. But the emotionally raw side of him, the part that feels like the four-year-old Mary is so desperately searching for, has completely taken over. He sits in the middle of his bed clutching a pillow, fighting the lost-in-the-mall feeling in his chest with all his might.

Cas left. Mom left. He can’t even keep his family together for more than two damn days.

Once Mary leaves the bunker, Sam figures that there's only one person to call that can drag Dean out of his funk.

ao3 / tumblr

12x04: Starting Small

“They’re older than me. How am I supposed to be their mother?”

She’s not running from her sons, she realizes. She’s running from their picture of her, from the woman that they think she is.

Castiel shrugs. “I don’t know. But I would start with trying to be their friend.”

After Mary leaves the bunker, she ends up calling Cas to find out a little bit more about her kids. Mary and Cas friendship fic.

ao3 / tumblr

12x05: Unusually Domestic

“So,” Cas says conversationally, “you killed Hitler?”

“It was awesome.”

Dean launches into a full play-by-play of the hunt. Cas helps the story along by nodding appreciatively in all the right places. He even goes so far as to let out a gasp at one point, which Dean would not have seen coming.

There are days that I think my life can’t get any stranger,” Dean tells him.

Of course, he’s saying this while sitting in the kitchen of an underground bunker that used to be owned by a group of anti-supernatural geeks with an angel, drinking a cup of coffee. It can’t get much stranger than that.

Cas and Dean chat. It gets domestic.

ao3 / tumblr

12x06: Chocolate Chip Pancakes

An awkward silence descends. Cas tries to break it.

“Are you and Alex—?”

Oh, God. She can’t have this conversation.

“Are you and Dean?” Claire snarks back.

Cas is heading through Omaha and catches Claire and Alex after the Radiohead concert.

ao3 / tumblr

12x07: The Blame Game

“If Lucifer was still trapped in the Cage, he wouldn’t be out there killing people. Every single person he takes early is on me.”

Sam shakes his head. “If we’re going to be playing the blame game, I’d say that the person who let him out in the first place wins.”

Cas looks miserable. “I was the one who let you out of the panic room.”

“And if you want to get technical like that, you would have never gone to the Cage in the first place if I hadn’t been stupid enough to think that God would bother talking to me.”

Sam and Cas finally talk about the Lucifer thing.

ao3 / tumblr

12x08: The Worst Part

Dean is going to lose his mind in here.

He’d never call himself a people person, but the truth is that he’s lived very little of his life alone. Growing up, he’d never gotten a moment to himself. Back then, it had seemed like a curse, but he’d happily kill right now if it meant he got to spend an hour in a sleazy motel room at three A.M. with Sam and Dad snoring up a storm. Even after he and Dad split up for hunts, he still found himself surrounded by people—the occasional one night stand, thin motel walls, sleeping in the Impala on the side of the highway with the sound of traffic.

The worst part is the loneliness.

It's been thirty-five days. Sam and Dean are trying to cope with their imprisonment, and Mary and Cas are doing their best to get them out.

ao3 / tumblr

12x09: Love and Love

There’s something about the way Cas says his name like it’s a prayer, like it means everything, that makes him snap.

“I’m not worth that! Not worth yanking Mom back into this—this messed up thing we call a life! Not worth upending the entire world for the thousandth time!”

By the time the tirade is over, his chest is heaving like he’s followed Sam on one of his ridiculous runs. Of all things, that’s finally what earns him a response.

“Of course you are,” Cas says.

After they all get back to the bunker, Sam and Mary have a conversation about Hell, and Dean and Cas talk some things out.

ao3 / tumblr

12x10: Red Hands

Cas doesn’t answer. Dean reaches up to take one of the bloodied hands in both of his own. It’s shaking. Gently, Dean moves his thumb in a slow circle around Cas’s knuckles. Some of the tension in Cas’s hands drains away, but his shoulders stay hunched, his eyes locked on something that Dean can’t see.

Cas killed another one of his siblings. Dean steps in to take care of the guilt.

ao3 / tumblr

12x11: More Than His Share

He’s amazed by how much Cas there is in his memories.

The exact fold of his old, ill-fitting trench coat, down to how many buttons chased each other up and down the flaps. The gummy crinkles of his first-ever smile, and how much bigger it’s been growing over the years. The warm steadiness of his hand on Dean’s shoulder, resting where the scorching red handprint used to lay.

Dean’s lived a long life—most of it, admittedly, dead. But Cas takes up so much more than his share of space.

After Dean gets his memories back, he talks with Cas.

ao3 / tumblr

12x12: Watching Over You

Dean still grabs him again to lead him into the room. For his part, Cas just lets it happen. Right now, it feels better to have someone else in the drivers’ seat. He does raise his eyebrows when he realizes there’s only one bed, though. He turns around enough in Dean’s grip to catch a glance of his face.

A flush rises in Dean’s cheeks. “I—I wasn’t planning on sleeping.”

He maneuvers Cas until he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. Cas can’t help the tiny smile that tugs on the edges of his lips.

“You were planning to watch over me.”

After nearly losing Cas again, there are some things Dean wants to say. Well, not quite say. But the sentiment's there.

ao3 / tumblr

12x13: Mamma Drama

"He really doesn’t want to have this conversation, but he presses forward anyway.

“Imagine if someone—if God, if your brother—sat you down across from Alastair and told you to buck up, work together, save the world.”

He tries to keep the bitterness from his voice, but that just makes the sentence fall completely flat from his lips. It sounds like someone else entirely has said it. Sam examines his fingernails for a long moment before looking up to check how Dean has taken it."

Sam and Dean talk about Mary working with the BMoL. It goes...surprisingly better than expected.

ao3 / tumblr

12x14: Sales Pitch

Jody Mills likes to think that she has a pretty good BS meter. You have to, in her line of work. (That is, raising two teenaged daughters who think that if they work together, they can outwit her. They can’t. They can try, but they can’t.)

That said, the guy in front of her is off the charts.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Name’s Mick,” he says with a smile.

Mick tries to recruit a couple of hunters by name dropping the Winchesters. It doesn't go as planned.

ao3 / tumblr

12x15: Heaven Doesn’t Come With Keys

“This is Heaven that we’re talking about here, Cas. That worries the hell out of me, okay?”

Cas lets out a bitter laugh. “I don’t think you have to worry about me teaming up with them.”

His wings, still incorporeal, fold in close to his body, even though there’s no one there but Dean to see them. He can’t help himself; he’s pretty sure there’s a slight red tinge to his cheeks despite the fact he should be separate from his vessel. Should be. Maybe that’s why his wings are so—

“Cas—”

The words burst out before he can stop them. “They said I was broken.”

Cas and Dean talk about Heaven and home. 12x15 coda.

ao3 / tumblr

12x16: Parent or Angelic Guardian

Cas’s voice is bitterly cold. “So I should just stay on the job, then. Let you take care of my—of Claire.”

“She’s not your daughter, Cas.” It comes out a little sharper than he’d intended, because he’s thinking of a little boy in Indiana who’d thought that Dean was the king standing on top of the world, not Atlas sweating beneath it.

“She’s not yours, either.”

Dean opens his mouth to speak, but gets cut off by the click of being disconnected.

Dean calls Cas about the incident with Claire. It doesn't go too well.

ao3 / tumblr

12x17: Thank You

“Have you—have you ever—”

Her voice breaks off. Sam leans back on his bed and roots around in the drawer of his bedside table. He’s ninety percent sure he has a tissue box in there somwh—oh. He pulls one out and hands it over. Eileen blows her nose loudly, then crumples the tissue in her fist.

“Yeah.”

God knows how many times. It’s not usually something she talks about, but there are tears in her eyes and she looks like she might need another tissue pretty soon, and there’s a feeling in his chest that hasn’t been there in who knows how long.

Eileen and Sam sort of end up sharing a bed. It's cute.

ao3 / tumblr

12x18: Superdad

When it’s all said and done, Cas has a baby in his arms.

Nephilim, Dean reminds himself, but it’s difficult to think about the kid like that when he’d seen his very human mother bleed out, pleading with them to take care of him. Dean’s seen a whole lot of awful in his time, but that ranked pretty high on the list.

She hadn’t even gotten a chance to name him.

The motel room somehow seems even more suffocating now than it had a few minutes ago. Cas sits perched on the end of the bed where Kelly—yeah. And he has a baby in his arms. What are they supposed to do?

Alternate take on the nephilim baby, post 12x18

ao3 / tumblr

12x19: Come Back to Me

The worst part of all of this is that Dean remembers that look. Remembers the calm, cool certainty in Cas’s eyes when they’d first met. Dean remembers a chiseled piece of granite with ice chip eyes. And he’s nothing like the Cas that Dean knows. The Cas that Dean—

Cas gets kidnapped/brainwashed by a Nephilim. Dean isn't too happy about it.

ao3 / tumblr

12x20: Pick Me Up

By the time Alicia and Tasha have left, there’s a hand on his knee. Dean raises his eyebrows.

“I thought you had a date tonight.”

Max shrugs. “I’m flexible.”

Oh God. Not that Dean hasn’t used bad pick-up lines in his time, but that was pretty damn awful.

Max tries a few moves with Dean.

ao3 / tumblr

12x21: Collateral Damage

He doesn’t realize that he’s crying until the words in the ASL dictionary blur so completely that it all looks like one big smudge. Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s pulling pages out at random and crumpling them in his fists. They flutter to the floor like snowflakes until they blanket a small circle around him.

Sam finds himself imagining what she would look like with snowflakes in her hair and sinks to the ground. Cross-legged, he sits among the snowdrifts and aches with every gasp for air. When the very last page is clutched between his fingers, Sam finally looks down.

Two signs. Like, and love.

Sam loses Eileen.

ao3 / tumblr

12x22: The Last Man Standing

“It’s us.”

The picture is clearly ripped from the security cameras at the retirement home. Both of their backs are to the camera, but he’d recognize her bun anywhere, and it’s not like his large frame is easily mistaken for someone else.

“Friends and allies,” Sam reads aloud.

They’d gone after her first. Because of him.

Jody and Sam talk about Eileen. 12x22 Coda

ao3 / tumblr

12x23: Sitting Vigil

“Dean. It’s not like that this time.”

Sam tries to be gentle about it, but it’s like pulling off a Band-Aid, isn’t it? The sooner Dean accepts that none of their usual tricks could possibly work this time around, the better. Chuck and Amara have wandered off on the weirdest family road trip ever. Crowley and Rowena are both dead. Heaven wouldn’t help one wayward angel. There’s nothing on Earth—or above, or below—that can help Cas. Not this time.

Post 12x23, Dean refuses to believe that Cas is gone.

ao3 / tumblr

#spn fic #destiel #sam x eileen #spn #my fic

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ms-michellewinchester · 7 years

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Supernatural survey

I wasn’t tagged but this looks amazing, so I’m doing it anyway. However, I found it at @holy-fucking-damn-shit blog.

1. What season did you start watching Supernatural? Season 1. I started from the beginning if that’s what you’re asking :). But if the question is meant in the sense what year I started watching, then the show was at its ninth season. It was about two or three weeks before the finale. I remember everyone was talking about how the season might end, because Jensen teased something about it being an eye-opener :D.

2. Who was the first character you fell in love with? Dean, always. My initial love for him, was really all about how snarky and fun he was. But as the character developed I really fell in love with how layered he was. How he has this mask that is made so obvious and talked about clearly on the show, but whatever’s underneath it you get between the lines, through showing. How on the surface you get “Sam is the smart one” but you are shown hints that Dean is a genius. You will get “Sam is more open to his emotions”, but you are shown that it’s Dean who makes emotionally based decisions, while Sam goes for (often) cold logic. And sadly, you will also get “Dean’s decisions are dumb and should be disregarded because they are emotionally based” but a lot of the timeit turns out that Dean was right all along (example: when Cas was possesed by Lucifer, Dean’s focus was on that, while Sam insisted, Amara was a bigger problem. Turned out Lucifer was the bigger problem in the end).

3. Who was a character that you hated at first but grew to love?: Crowley. Even though it was really up and down with him. It kind of depended on whether or not he was on the Winchester’s side - or worked with them, because, really, Crowley was always only on his own side. I don’t think I ever truly loved him, but I enjoyed his character, definitely.

4. Which character would you most want to be in a long-term relationship with? Um. This one is tough, because realisticaly, I don’t really see myself dating any of the characters. I would love to say Dean, but I would probably just keep on shipping him with Cas even in real time, so I wouldn’t date him. If I look at people I date in real life, Charlie would be the closest one. Dean is very close as well, but like I said, I would just play matchmaker for him :D.

5. If you could go on a date with just one character, which one would you choose?: Despite what I just said, I would choose Dean for that date, because I would love to talk to him and chances are that date would end with an awesome night :D. I’m not really one for one-night stands normally, but in this case I wouldn’t be able to resist.

6. What would you do on that date? I would love to chill out at the bunker. Dean would make dinner and we’d watch some TV and talk. And then end up in his room. Obviously this points towards us being friends for a while before deciding to just make a one time thing out of that, to relieve some stress :). Since I’m demi, I would definitely have to be close friends with him first for that scenario to work.

7. Which character would you most want to be like?: If we’re only talking about their character and not their experience (because I wouldn’t want to go through that), I would probably go for Dean. His character resonates with me and he makes me want to be a better person. And to have his confidence and empathy whe it comes to dealing with other people, that would be a gift.

8. Which character would you most want to see brought back from the dead?: Most of all Charlie, I think. Just because that was seriously messed up. Gabriel is another big name that comes to mind. Bobby is kind of a given. But I would also love to see Victor Henriksen again! And maybe Henry, even though I felt like his story was wrapped up nicely, it was just so short.

9. Which character would you most like to punch?: Lucifer. Always. He’s pure chaotic evil.

10. Who is your absolute favorite character?: Dean always had the top spot. Cas is a close second, but no one can take Dean’s spot in my heart.

11. Which “Big Bad” do you think was the worst?: The worst in the sense of writing, worst in the sense of how much I hated them or worst in how scary they were? In the sense of writing and storytelling, The Leviathan were absolute bullshit, excuse my French. Just no. In the sense of my hate for them, Lucifer wins. He’s a great villain in that sense. But damn, I hate him so much. And Cas was kind of seriously scary as the Big Bad (if you can count that, because technically, it was supposed to be Raphael and then the Leviathan, but it was really Cas), because that one was paved with good intentions. Lucifer is the villain that is just too evil for me to connect with and to really get him. He’s like Voldemort. Cas was probably scarier for that short period of time, because I understood his motivations even if I didn’t agree with his choices. He was like Zobrist in Brown’s Inferno (which was honestly the only good thing about that book).

12. Which character are you most like?: Wow, that one’s tough. The characters on the show have such different experiences from me that I have hard time separating that from who they are. I suppose I am a lot like Dean in some cases. I like to put up a front and hide my feelings from people around me, because I am very private with them and I don’t want to bother anyone with them. I’m a nerd who finds joy in being a fan of something, though I don’t hide that like Dean, so in that sense I’m more like Charlie. Like Dean, I rely on my feelings and my gut when it comes to decisions and when I screw something up I can drive myself crazy with guilt. Like Cas, I’m curious about things and I sometimes struggle to show how much I care. There’s so many different things, but I would say, even though we are very different in some aspect, I might be the closest to Dean.

13. What death hit you the hardest? Maybe when Sam died for the first time, just because it was really the first big one and I didn’t really know how the show worked. And also because his death was followed with so many awful things. Dean’s first death (like complete death in No Rest for the Wicked) was a tough one too. Charlie too, but I’m still kind of in denial about that one. And I suppose season 12 finale, even though I knew even in that second that this is not the end. I’m still worried about how that character will come back though. Will they be the same? 14. What season finale hit you the hardest?: Alpha and Omega. It was such a different finale from all the other ones that it stands above all the other ones. Even if it wasn’t devastating like other finales, or maybe because of that, it’s message got under my skin.

15. What are your ten all-time favorite episodes?: Lazarus Rising (Castiel and new Ruby), Reichenbach (Deanmon. Just. This. Fucking. Episode.), Don’t Call me Shurley (I can’t believe they went there), Alpha and Omega (best finale of ever), Angel Heart (Dean and Claire coming to terms, Cas and Claire coming to terms, Amelia and Jimmy getting a closure), The Monster at the End of This Book (Chuck!!!), Changing Channels (Gabriel and all the shade thrown here), Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox (Dean and Sam being legends, the twins), Fanfiction (I can’t even), Tall Tales (Gabriel! Also, some of the most absurd quotes ever), Everybody Hates Hitler (the Bunker!!!). That’s eleven. Because it’s impossible to choose just ten. It’s impossible to choose eleven too, but I managed to stop myself there :D.

16. What’s been your favorite season?: I can’t. Dammit. No. Right now it would probably be season 11 if they cut some of the fucking useless stuff in 11x21 and 11x22. There were some very importants scenes there, but a lot of this was just there to fill the space between 11x20 and 11x23. Though, considering 11x20 and 11x23 were some of the best episodes of the show in my eyes, it might be one of the reasons why the two episodes between just seemed so weak in comparison.

17. Who is your favorite angel? Is that even a question. I love Cas!

18. Who is your favorite demon? The two demons that were supposed to follow Crowley at the beginning of season 12 were pretty hillarious :D. But seriously, I would probably say Crowley. Even if not always. Meg had her moments as well.

19. Who’s your favorite evil character? Again, I might say Crowley and Meg, I guess. I would say Amara, but she was more neutral than evil. Rowena had a lot of great moments too. Oh, and Don and Maggie Stark were awesome and I want them to come back!

20. Do you have any Supernatural ships?: I’m Destiel trash if there ever was one. I have a lot of smaller ships that don’t really have that much impact on me, but I like the idea of them: Sam and Eileen, Don and Maggie, Henry and Josie (though I know it wasn’t like that). I read some Sabriel occasionally and I have some kind of weird thing for Dean/Cas/Meg which I honestly don’t understand.

21. Who’s your favorite supporting actor?: I would have to write a really long list for this one. Just on top of my head: Rob, Richard, Matt, Kim, Kathryn Newton, Emily Swallow, Gil McKinney, Osric Chau. Kid, honestly, I could go on and on... :D

22. What’s your favorite quote from the show?: Dean’s speech to Chuck comes to mind: “People...people pray to you, people build churches for you and fight wars in your name... And you did nothing.”

And Cas’ heartbreaking speech: “Knowing you has been the best part of my life. The things we’ve shared togehter..they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you.”

And Dean and Claire in Angel Heart. I just loved the scenes in the motel room and when they were playing mini golf. It’s not really a quote, just the conversations between them are gold.

23. If you could cast one famous actor in an episode of SPN, who would you choose? Maybe Emilia Clarke? I don’t really know. But I feel like she could be a badass hunter or just someone who had their life disrupter by supernatural activity, but she has like this no nonesense attitude about it. Or she could be another British woman of letters.

24. If you could write your own episode, what kind of creatures would you like to see included?: I don’t know about creatures, but I would love to see Virgin Mary as a character and bring Gabriel back just to see those two interacting :D. Oh, also, this is not my idea, but @northern-sparrow has these awesome creatures called elementals in her fics Forgotten and Flight and that’s such an amazing idea I want to see that on Spn.

25. Who’s your favorite girl that Dean’s hooked up with?: I guess it would be Lisa. Even if I couldn’t really see them together long-term, she really cared about him and tried to be what he needed.

26. Who’s your favorite girl that Sam’s hooked up with?: Ha! I will say Genevieve Padalecki. Because they did hook up in French mistake, didn’t they! :D Part of me wanted to say Ruby, because even if she was evil and seduced him into screwing everything up, she was honestly a really good character.

27. What are some of your favorite convention moments?: Pretty much any Cockles panel ever :D. Jensen reading Misha’s resume, the thing with the white bunny and so on. And as far as my own experiences go, meeting Jensen was pretty great and also having an actual conversation with Misha about books.

28. If you were going to guest star (or be a recurring guest star) on SPN, how would you want your character to be described?: Maybe a university professor who specializes in mythilogy and becomes kind of a new Bobby? Or an angel who starts helping the Winchesters.

29. What do you hope to see in the next season?: Cas coming back as HIMSELF and not some alternate reality Cas. Sam listening to Dean for once. Rowena coming back. No more deaths for shock value. Some interesting monsters of the week.

30. - 40. If you had to choose…

Bobby or John?: Bobby.

Bela or Ruby? Ruby.

Jess or Madison?: Probably Jess, but I don’t really know with this one.

Jo or Lisa?: That’s tough. Maybe Jo, but it’s close.

Charlie or Kevin? Almost impossible, but at gun point I’d choose Charlie.

Balthazar or Ash?: Balthazar. But mostly because Ash has been gone for so long I can’t really imagine him coming back.

Cas or Crowley? Cas. Crowley was great and I’ll miss him, but Mark was quite clear about not coming back and I respect it. And Crowley would just never win over Cas for me.

Ben or Claire? Claire. Ben was great, but I feel like we know Claire so much better. And I want to know more.

Jody or Donna? Probably Jody, but could I get them both as a couple?

Sam or Dean?: Dean all the way. I still love Sam (even though it might not be very clear from this post), but Dean just has my heart. I will tag!: Anyone who wants to do this!

#supernatural #spn #season 12 spoilers #spoilers

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demonologist-in-denim · 3 years

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About “At The Crossroads”

I didn’t want to post a whole long author’s note on AO3 for this fic, and I didn’t want to muddle the fic by posting a second chapter. So instead, here are just some random ramblings I wrote up as I was working on At The Crossroads.

Another Long-Ass Author’s Note (That You Should Not Feel Obliged To Read)

How The Hell Did We Get Here?

I don’t actually know where this fic diverged from the canon, what events transpired that Crowley opens a pub, of all things. It feels like whatever happened, happened in late-season 10, and this fic picks up in season 13-14? Here’s what I do know for sure: Something very bad happened.

While he’s grateful for it after the fact, Crowley likely didn’t consent to the cure the second time any more than he did to the first. I’m not sure what circumstances would arise that the Winchesters forced the cure on Crowley a second time, and then unkindly prodded him along in his humanity. “You bloody well beat it into me, didn’t you?” Likely Crowley wasn’t very far along in his new life, still struggling with the crushing weight of his actions, but beginning to find purchase in a friendship with Dean, when they lost Dean to whatever happened. Dean somehow became a demon, and abandoned the others to wreak havoc in the world. He’s been gone for some time, and their failing to save Dean did some serious damage to the others. Dark days all around, is all I can imagine. And that’s all I have for you.

The Besotted Wandered & The Resigned Enabler

It was unintentional, but Cas’ and Crowley’s relationship became the heart of this fic.

I originally just kind of wrote Cas in as slumped across the end of the bar, occasionally visiting, being this emotionally distant connection Crowley has to his past with the Winchesters and demonhood. But in the initial draft, I typed out that the cure would take some time, and the only thing Gus needed was to keep everyone else – the pub regulars, hunters, the extended Winchester network – from complicating things by learning he’s captured the demonic Dean. And then the next sentence just had Cas stumbling into the pub. So there they were, the two of them, and suddenly a fic that had been about Crowley getting to be some other version of himself became about Crowley making due as some other version of himself, and all of them leaning on one another, stumbling their way towards their shared humanity.

And as I wrote it, I loved the new dynamic between Cas and Crowley. “…their previous roles as divine retribution and smarmy toad” when they were an angel and a demon, their more recent roles, not so much reversed as juxtaposed, as “besotted wandered and resigned enabler.” Just that image of Crowley as the resigned enabler defined everything about his relationships and his identity in this fic.

And ultimately, Crowley would not really have succeeded alone. He would have cured Dean, eventually, but I’m not sure Crowley alone could really pull Dean out of the darkness that would have lingered even after his humanity had been fully restored. I don’t think Cas could have done it on his own either, too forgiving, too loving to deal out the necessary “tough love” that comes from Crowley’s own experience. In this fic, Crowley is the one who does not need saving – it’s Cas and Dean that need to be saved, but they had to do it together.

And Don’t Call Me “Gus”

At the Crossroads is one of those fics that germinates from a small concept into something much larger. I was thinking about whether or not Crowley, after completing the cure and joining the Winchesters, would need to go by a maligned alias when around the demon-hunting portion of the supernatural community.

We know from canon that Crowley hates the name Fergus, and Rowena’s mocking use of the name certainly didn’t help endear it to him again three hundred years later. But the matter remains that had Crowley closed the Gates of Hell, completed the cure, or in any other way joined the Winchesters, being known by the name “Crowley” could have put him in a bit of hot water in the supernatural community. There might have been hunters or witches or whoever who heard the name and recognized it from when he was doing dark, demonic deeds. For his own safety, as well as to earn the trust of others, he might have needed to go by a different name.

Do I want him to go by another name? Absolutely not. Do I think he would have actually chosen to go by Gus? Absolutely not. I imagine he started going by Fergus MacLeod again – when around other hunters and working in the supernatural community – and being Americans, they shortened it to Gus, and it stuck. To his annoyance, and eventual resignation.

But that is just for this fic. I honestly think that if Crowley had become one of the boys, he would have kept on using his chosen name, and dealt with the consequences. Because that’s one of the many things spn is (supposed to be) all about, isn’t it? Self-determination and consequences? Crowley chose that name for himself, it’s who he is now, not Fergus. And yes, he is still responsible for all the “horrible, evil, messy things” he did. And when encountering someone who recognizes that name as belonging to the King of Hell or a demon they had dealings with, Crowley would have needed to deal with the emotional and relationship consequences of that.

For this fic, I just enjoyed the thought experiment of him going by a nickname, having grown into it over the years. With the Winchesters gone from his life, and Cas only an occasional visitor, it would have allowed him to explore who he is now entirely removed from his past. (I also wrote a little ficlet here about how he comes by that nickname through Eileen in my other works, and hates it, but puts up with it for her sake. He doesn’t so much grow fond of it as sees it the same way as Dean and Sam eventually accept “Moose” and “Squirrel” as terms of endearment.)

Why Didn’t The Cure Just Work?

For this fic to really work, the cure needed to take time. And because I really enjoyed the idea that neither Crowley nor Castiel’s blood is human enough or “pure” enough to cure a demon. In the show, it’s never made clear how the process of repentance “purifies” someone enough to make their blood suitable for the cure. The show writers just cobbled it together from more obscure Judeo-Christian conceptions about prayer and forgiveness and omnipotent moral judgement. How much penance is enough? What if the “greatest sin” you confess isn’t what that obscure, divine moral judge (ugh) believes or knows to be your greatest sin? So forth and so on in the questions and uncertainties.

So I really like the idea that Crowley, even being human, with everything he’s done can never quite be pure enough to just perform the cure in one 8-hour session. He’s got to keep delving back into the black pit of his own atrocities that he had thought he’d left behind him, face what he’s done, bear the weight of that, repent it, and then is clean enough to administer another dose. Really dragging out the whole process for both him and demon!Dean. And Cas? I just really liked the idea that whoever he is now, whatever he’s become after losing Dean and becoming human, it hasn’t been good. He’s got a lot to make up for as well. None of them are clean, none of them are innocent, and all of them – even the two that are currently human – are all on this road towards humanity together.

Chekhov’s Gun Never Went Off

I broke a cardinal rule of storytelling in this fic, and I’ll be honest, it’s not sitting well with me. The principle of Chekhov’s Gun, if you’re not familiar with it, is that if there is a gun present in the first act of a play, it must go off by the third act. In essence, a good storyteller does not make false promises. In At The Crossroads, I present and never fire the gun that is the British Men of Letters and their unwelcome dominion over American hunters. Making as many references to that situation as I did, the reader would be right to expect that the British Men of Letters would play at least some part in the later events of the story. And the fact that they do not is something of a narrative let down.

I intended to write the British Men of Letters into the story, I really did. They became relevant through a smaller story arc of one of three pub regulars, each one a fully developed character who served to demonstrate to the reader the ways Gus was involved in the supernatural community, and how his and Cas’ broadening partnership in the later half of the fic changed the atmosphere of the pub. But those smaller arcs cluttered up the story, so I sadly felt like it was necessary to cut them out. (Maybe I can write a separate little fic based off this one, where we get to meet them? After all, they’re not actually OCs.) The references to the British Men of Letters stayed, because they are very much a part of the background of the world in which Gus was living and in which this story takes place. So while it doesn’t sit well with me that this particular Chekhov’s gun never went off, I hope it’s understandable why that happened.

Where Are The Chips/Steak Fries To Go With This Pint?

Recently, I’ve written a lot of fics about Crowley making food in some form or another. And since The Crossroads is a pub, and pubs (unlike most bars) typically serve some food, why didn’t I write Crowley making and serving food in this fic?

Because the Crowley in At The Crossroads is not a happy Crowley. He is making the best of a bad situation. The people he cares for are either lost to him, or are in a mad spiral of self-destruction and do not want to be saved from it. As much as The Crossroads is a communal space for the supernatural community, it is not communal for Crowley in the way that the bunker is in my other fics. In this fic, he’s found other, less personally demanding ways to care for people. He’s emotionally drained, and doesn’t have it in him. And that’s why there is very little mention of “cooking with Crowley” in this fic, other than towards the end as things begin to improve.

#crowley #my fic #author's note #crowley big bang

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