#because they need a lot of like habituation to each other still due to Maybe's incredibly high prey drive

[not-poignant]

I’m sorry to hear about the stress you’ve experience with your new pet. Obviously, your trauma is the main factor, but I work in rescue, and wondered if you’ve ever heard about post-puppy depression? It’s Google-able and more common than people think. There’s no shame in making decisions that are best for you and your dog, whether it’s keeping or rehoming (which you probably know already). All the best! No shame from a puppy professional!

Hi anon!

I did look into post-puppy depression/puppy blues, but my therapist/s and I know that this is like... /thinks/ I don't really know how to put it, but I would say much more severe overall because of all my pre-existing stuff.

But I appreciate your post!

We're still hoping not to rehome, and the days are kind of getting more bearable, but I need to know I can return to my old quality of life (which frankly was actually terrible) before we know either way. It's been a journey!

But yeah post-puppy depression is absolutely a real thing. It's been pretty eye-opening tbh, I mean I knew I had my triggers and stuff, but just like as an autistic person, the disruption to my routine has been pretty devastating. (It's also like - I knew I could never have children, now I know I can never have children, like, zero possibility, never happening).

#asks and answers #personal #tobermory the cavoodle #i've actually just come back from being outside with Maybe and Toby #because they need a lot of like habituation to each other still due to Maybe's incredibly high prey drive #so it's a lot of mutually giving them treats when they're calm and quiet around each other #and seeing how close they can get #and then getting Toby to disengage #thankfully he *is* very calm around her #Maybe is the issue with those two lol #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

[sandrockianblues]

Any headcanon for Unsuur? Maybe when he's dating the builder 😽

AIRBWODBWORJR SIS- ALL I FUCKING THINK ABOUT IS UNSUUR. NO REALLY, I’M A SLUT FOR DISHING ABOUT MY OWN BUILDER, SCOUT, AND UNSUUR. PLS ASK ME SOMETIME AND I THINK I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER. I EVEN CREATED A FUCKING BACKSTORY FOR MY BABY I CAN’T-

🪨Unsuur HCs🪨

-he’s a bit more alive behind closed doors with the builder. More comfortable and relaxed. He doesn’t have to question his words or try reading the room due to nerves he’s gonna misstep.

-he WILL let curse words slip here and there when alone too. He takes on a lot of work and both he and Justice are sick of the backlash the Civil Corps keeps receiving when they’re the ONLY TWO officers for a whole town that’s got a LOT OF SHIT going on. He’s comfortable with the builder to vent calmly about it but he’s gonna swear every few sentences.

-his smile is actually stunning. Truly. It looks expensive like he’s had braces and has taken care of them. It’s rare to see him smile but when he does, time really does pause for a moment. Perfect teeth with pretty canines. Wanna become entranced? Catch sight of a breathless Unsuur as his mouth parts and his bottom canines poke out as he tries to catch his breath.

- pls pls pls play with his hair. He loves it and it’s one of the most calming things in the world for him with his stressful job and having to socialize daily. Any tension he has will slowly melt the further the builder’s fingers weave and tangle through his hair.

-habitually feeds the builder’s pet(s)

-baby actually silently sulks around when he’s upset. Gets into a fight with the builder? (AHDJRNEJ RARE )He won’t talk or continue arguing, but he doesn’t like straying far from builder. He’ll literally be sitting right next to them, arms crossed and lip just silently jutted because he wants to speak but he also doesn’t want to. Unsuur still wants the builder’s attention- but like, there’s a principle here.

- doesn’t flirt, but compliments with an overwhelming and heart aching amount of sincerity and love.

-while he doesn’t flirt, he DOES sound like he often does given how blunt and truthful he is. It takes awhile to figure out but amuses others nonetheless.

-he doesn’t look it, but he literally sees so much. He sees everything the builder does and worries for them. Sees the continuous efforts and their creations and is in awe, his respect growing each day. There’s a shift in their mood? He knows. He’s not great with people or picking up social cues all the time, but he’s well versed in the builder the further the relationship progresses. He picks up on the patterns. The causes and effects. The little things.

-the builder is truly the one person Unsuur knows like the back of his hand. And he loves that. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

-Unsuur really values and relies on communication and honesty. He may become well versed with his builder, but he’s not all-knowing. He needs conversation and for the builder to say what’s on their mind. He struggles with people in general sometimes or his bluntness cuts through his chances of learning with others. Unsuur needs their trust and understanding if he’s to be with them.

-he’s not big on dates or the idea really. But he enjoys his time with the builder, even if it means leaving the house. He’s down for it and lets go of the idea of his work being tied to the interactions. It’s Unsuur and the builder. That’s all that matters and it’s all he needs to keep in mind.

-he has more expressions than most would think. Like, he smirks, glares, sulks, smiles, etc. The rest of the town, the world, doesn’t know though because Unsuur lets go of his well fastened mask only when he’s with the builder. They may catch glimpses of these expression, but they’re more minute. That doesn’t take away from the pure nature of them or their authenticity. Unsuur just like, operates at half power if he’s out with the builder in public. Mindful of prying eyes for the builder and the robotic deputy.

-Unsuur spends important holidays with the builder’s family in Highwind, feeling like he’s one of them. He’s the builder’s mom’s favorite. Not that she said that but she did-

-if the builder is ever the one most angry from the rare fights and Unsuur is left waiting for them to simmer down a bit before apologizing (again. He apologizes rather quickly but always has to wait a bit before doing it once more if it’s a particularly bad mood the builder is in) they can find him out past their house, stacking rocks.

-Unsuur doesn’t deal well with emotional stress. He pretty much abandoned that sort of thing when coming to Sandrock. Living his life of simplicity and trying to limit the complications outside of his work life. Because of that, when anything happens to the builder or with them, it turns Unsuur inside out. He lacks his barely there filter. He snaps and is a lot more blunt than before. He becomes jaded and more stoic than anyone thought possible. But because the builder is his person, his prime source of comfort, his nerves twist and gnaw at him to make up or go to them. The closer he gets to them the more vulnerable, the more he starts feeling like he’s shaking and exhausted. He doesn’t handle it well.

-Drunk Unsuur is Justice’s worst enemy. It’s like an alter ego he takes on but it’s not a drastic change. Just snide remarks, biting comments, sarcasm, and some resentment slips out. Unsuur loves his friend, but there are times where Justice makes him feel like he’s nothing more than his insubordinate that doesn’t even hold a proper rank. And Justice and Unsuur work an awful lot, but Unsuur does get tasked with far more than one should get. It drains a person and while Unsuur normally wouldn’t let his thoughts linger on the things Justice says or does to him, his subconscious spins it around on replay until the moment the deputy in training gets drunk or buzzed and then it slips out.

-having the builder know to be on the lookout for Unsuur drinking saves the man from spilling his resentment and insecurities to his friend. It’s not easy to hear his slurred rambles because, well, Unsuur actually has a LOT to say that’s been building up and affecting him, but there’s a one of a kind trust he has with his significant other to be the one he spills it to. That’s why he asks them to intercept and cart him out if he ever ends up intoxicated quicker or easier than he thought he’d be.

-he actually loves affection! He didn’t get it at first because it was never with those he felt a connection with or that desire to belong to, but he does now. He doesn’t care about PDA or being embarrassed by it. He gets shy and sometimes it’s rather odd how he does. But he’s all for holding hands, surprise hugs, or greeting/parting kisses in public. He human and others should know that by now.

-he never considered a future at all beyond earning deputy or making the news. He also didn’t think he’d live a life outside his work. Meeting the builder and falling for them actually throws him through a loop and he’s helpless as he follows after them as their friend while he painstakingly waits for the day where he finds out if they could be more.

-hurting Unsuur and betraying him causes the man to fully shut down. He really does become a robot then. His trust with intimacy, affection, insecurities, etc- it doesn’t come easy and he had a hard time bringing down his walls. He loses a desire to do anything he truly likes and he won’t find anyone else to love because what he gave the builder was unconditional and everlasting. (Personally think Unsuur is one of the demiromantic/demisexual people of Sandrock) Any damage dealt is permanent and reminds him that he was better off as he was before he met them.

-breaking away from that sad part: Unsuur likes being close when sleeping. He’s the one to gravitate first if they fall asleep without touching. His body subconsciously seeks his builder always.

#my time at sandrock #mtas #sandrock #pathea #mtas builder #sandrock builder #Mtas Unsuur #Sandrock Unsuur #Mtas head canons #Sandrock head canons #Mtas hc #Sandrock hc #siren speaking #Unsuur head canons #Unsuur x builder #ask box

[sumiblue]

(pictured: HE <3)

I bought a little aloe plant today.

Every place we lived in when I was growing up had aloe plants, so it seemed a natural and easy choice for my first houseplant in my first flat. The plant display in the Co-Op is right next to the door, so I picked it up, chunky green arms trailing over the pot, and placed it in my basket, carrying it with me while I got my other lumpy, hefty items. Do you see what Problems May Arise from this course of action. Me too, but I did it anyway because I was simply too nervous to do the unthinkable; shattering checkout line normalcy to go, “Oh, one moment” and dashing to get it then. My timidness cost my juicy friend a couple of his limbs, but he’s home now, on my rather bare bookshelf, green and alive. I love him to bits (...of aloe in my shopping bag) and he’s only been here for 10 hours. I keep going over to his corner, introducing him to his new environment and telling him how lovely he his. So far it had been amusing to verbally greet my living room furniture every morning, but it’s a different delight to now natter on about any and everything to this living being who might be hearing me. It scratches that itch to use one’s voice for connection. I have to keep reminding myself, though, that he’s not a new interlocutor, and my search for fulfilling connections should continue.

Loneliness, like aloe plants, has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, though living on my own for the past 3 months has definitely given it a different texture. Not worse, not better, just different. It’s probably due to an amalgamation of a few things. Moving across the Atlantic. The accumulated lessons learned and experiences from 30 years of being alive. Probably not the multi-year worldwide health emergency though...Oh wait.

I imagine most of us have seen article after article about how extended self-isolation during the pandemic has shone a light on how lonely a lot of us are, if it hadn’t caused it in itself. My mum shared an article with me this week, which talks about the fact that, for the very lonely, the solution may not be finding company with other people.

Loneliness isn't just about not being around people. It's been said numerous times that the pandemic and lockdown gave many of us the chance to really examine our relationships. We were forced to be still and listen to ourselves for once, and became more aware of what we were (or weren't) getting out of the socializing we habitually engaged in. I think, in many cases, we realized that while we had company, we weren’t experiencing connection. We started to crave it deeply, and were stymied in our attempts to fill that void because oops, outside could kill you. However, going out to find connections isn’t the solution for everyone, like the article says. Maybe in your stillness you discovered that spending time alone was precisely what you needed, and you started learning how to connect with your Self. Filling your own void. Self-love is healthy! We each have to figure out what fills that gap for our individual puzzles, whether it's solitude, company, a different type of company, etc.

I wonder also if this massive awareness of our own loneliness is sometimes misconstrued with the feeling of grief. Change leads to loss, and if we’ve experienced changing perceptions of our relationships, our selves and our social fulfilment needs, we’re bound to be thrown into a turbulent twisting uncomfortable storm of emotions. And here we’re back to sitting in self reflection innit, asking ourselves, is the name for this storm loneliness? Grief? Both? I don’t think they’re entirely separate, but it may help to identify where you are so you can figure out where to go.

Personally, I do think that my puzzle piece is painted with other people, particularly with shiny deeper connections. Having been isolated for a few years, I’ve found I do need that external input from even light interaction to remember that I am not uniquely horrible but am in fact, in a human general sense, pretty okay! I feel it in the shared frustration with the pensioners at the bus stop because the big blue bastard (affectionate) is 20 minutes late again. I feel it when the cashier wags their finger at me and says “Silly little girl, you must have confused this Appleton’s Rum for apple juice. ID please and thank you.”* In these brief little moments, I get reminded that people Exist. We just Are. We are all complicated and flawed and still wonderful. Not gonna lie though, finding and making those rare closer connections would be fucking fantastic. People around whom I can feel like I’m not the Only One. Unmask with me baybee.

But as a very temporary stop-gap measure, my darling precious aloe boy suits me fine.

*An exaggeration but it fuckin’ felt like this

#a reflection and ramble #loneliness #my art

[chateautae]

maybe i do | kth. I

➵ summary :  maybe you love each other, maybe you don’t. when a deal between your fathers leaves you forcefully wedding kim taehyung, arguably seoul’s most powerful CEO, you’re prepared for a loveless marriage of eternal regret and unhappiness. but maybe, it doesn’t turn out that way after all.

↳  part of the high-class series!

➵ pairing : taehyung x reader

➵ genre :  arranged marriage!au, ceo!tae, s2l!au, eventual smut, fluff, angst 

➵ rating : 18+

➵ word count : 11k

➵ warnings : swearing, alcohol consumption, anxiety, lots of feels about marriage, a stupid ex (reader’s), mentions of bad sexual experiences with ex (there’s consent, just bad sex that makes the reader feel shitty), does ceo tae count as a warning? 

➵ a/n: hello my first fic of my favourite trope arranged marriage, AND with kim taehyung?? yes pls !! this will be a series and I’ll be actively working on it so you don’t have to wait too long for chapters, i hope you can follow this series with me <33

chapter one : “my forever’s falling down”  

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“Another one, Father? I thought I told you my secretary would be handling marriage profiles from now on. Stop concerning yourself with who I marry.” 

“But I do, son. Trust me, I know this girl, she’s the daughter of a trusted friend and I think she’s a good match.” 

“Father, everyone you choose for me I dislike and it’s distracting me from my work. I don’t need this right now.” 

“She’s different, Taehyung. I personally know her and I’m certain you won’t say no.” 

“And why is that?” 

“There’s something about her you won’t refuse, son, you’ll notice it when you meet her.” 

“I don’t want to meet her, Father. Like I said, I need to work.” 

“I just knew you’d act this way. Want to know something, son? I’ve made her part of a business deal, you can’t back out of this.”

“What? You made her part of a business deal?! Why would you-”

“Because you wouldn’t have given her a chance otherwise, you haven’t been giving anyone a chance since I’ve been setting up potential partners for you and I’m sick of it. You said you were open to an arranged marriage, where’s that attitude now?”

“Because, Father, I have a company to run and that’s-”

“No. I will not allow you to reduce your life to just this company. There are far more enjoyable things in life than a business.”

“But Father-”

“No, Taehyung. One thing you need to learn is balance. If you don’t give anyone or anything a chance you will live a lonely life behind your desk. Even in this cutthroat world of business where you can lose money or be betrayed by anyone at any moment, the most painful thing to suffer is loneliness, and I won’t let you live in this world alone.”

“Dad-”

“You will meet this girl, Taehyung, end of discussion.” 

“Dad! I told you I want nothing to do with your company, how could you let me get dragged into this?!” 

“Y/N-ie, I know you value the life you have without any of my help, but let me help just this once, especially with finding a husband. I’m being offered the deal of a lifetime and I can’t refuse, he just happens to be part of it. I need this for the company, please.”

“But Dad, I don’t even know him. And if he’s the CEO of some rich company he’s probably an asshole, I’m not doing this.” 

“Y/N-ie, trust me, I know his son. He’s a sincere, hard-working man, I promise.”

“Yeah, right. Even if that’s the case, I still don’t know him, let alone love him, Dad. How can you make me marry someone I don’t love?”

“Because you can learn to love him. There are no rules concerning the way two people should fall in love, love doesn’t always need to come first.”

“But Dad-”

“My daughter, I have not asked you for many things in my life, but this is one thing I must ask of you. Please, just meet him, don’t say no without even trying.”

“Dad, I don’t know-”

“Please, Y.N, do it for me. If not for the company or money, please do it for me.”

And here you were, fidgeting with the tips of your nails, tuning in and out of the present world and overthinking every aspect of your life that somehow lead you to this moment. Sitting on a Leather Italia couch in what was described to be Mr. Kim’s study; listening to your father’s incessant, albeit wholesome chatter next to you with your future in-laws across. 

And next to them was their suave, unreadable son sitting in a relaxed manner, flipping his attention between your fathers’ conversation and anything else in the room.

You on the other hand, were utterly high strung due to the fact that your father failed to mention your future fiancé’s identity until 30 minutes before arriving here, having done a quick search in the car to unveil who he exactly was.

And that’s when it hit you. You weren’t marrying just anyone, you were getting married to Kim Taehyung. The infamous CEO of Kim Enterprises—Korea’s largest software development and manufacturing company, rivaling to be one of the largest in the world. He was part of Seoul’s most prestigious circle of businessmen, having made multiple Forbes international lists of Most Successful, Youngest, Richest, and is even one of Korea’s most eligible bachelors, not just Seoul.

If this wasn’t already taking you out, then it was definitely the fact that his photos through a measly Google search did him absolutely, utterly and completely no justice. They simply could never capture the truth of just how handsome Kim Taehyung was in real life. You couldn’t deny it, he wasn’t just good-looking, he was stunning, gorgeous, seemed as though God had created the universe, heaven and hell in 6 days and left the 7th just to create him. 

He was like a work of art, worthy of being placed in the finest of museums and left untouched, unsodden by the ugliness of humanity. It made you feel extremely inferior to him in an instant. It was sickening, he was sickening, intoxicating, and quite frankly, intimidating.

It was his look, his undivided stare when he eventually settled his sight on you. It didn’t matter his dark hair that landed and perfectly curled above his eyes, the way he occasionally licked his plush lips or how his long, tall legs spread out before him, it was his look that made you want to turn tail and run.  

It seemed to reach into your soul, peer straight through whatever façade, walls or defense mechanisms you could spend years building only to have his simple look tear it down in minutes. He was alluring, captivating, left you wanting to cower into whatever hole you could dig yourself into or discover all the secrets he hid behind those enchanting eyes.

Kim Taehyung was many things you couldn’t quite wrap your head around, though you assessed your priorities and decided they didn’t just include him, but mainly the significance of the current meeting taking place right now. 

It wasn’t a mere one-time business deal to discuss a project, it was a meeting that entailed the partnership of both your family companies and would define the next however many years of your life. More specifically, spending it with the exact same man that looked at you without a single readable expression on his face. 

You distracted yourself by trying to observe as many useless things as you could, flitting around the room many times before suddenly glancing at Taehyung’s index finger coming up to rest against his lips.

You zeroed your vision in more. 

Is that a cut on his finger?

“Jae-in, of course! This is just as important to me as it is to you, your son is a remarkable CEO, and I’m sure he’ll make an amazing husband.” 

“Aish, Namhyun, you flatter me too much. My son may be handsome, though your daughter is even more beautiful. I’m very sure she will make a wonderful wife.”

“Yes, Namhyun, your daughter is absolutely gorgeous! Just as gorgeous as her mother. I know she wasn’t able to make it, though may I ask where your wife is tonight?” 

“Ah, unfortunately, she’s out of the country. Though I was hoping my presence would be enough to fill in for her, am I doing a bad job?” 

Laughter erupted from the parents in the room, meanwhile, Taehyung couldn’t help but notice the way you immediately winced at the mention of your mother. Something he definitely wouldn’t miss with the way he found himself examining your every move. 

It was habitual to him, something born out of his roots in business, only for the purpose of calculating and reading people like an open book. 

He knew you’d also become victim to that habit, though oddly enough, he found himself quite interested in observing you. He had already figured you out; you hated business, there was a clear disconnection between yourself and your father’s company and you reeked of a sense of independence that funnily contradicted the antsy way you bounced your leg. 

Your way of speech, however, mannerisms, gestures, your look; it was all professional enough you clearly have some sort of background in business. You seemed like an heiress to Taehyung, which you were, though you oddly had no interest in business?   

All these details piqued his interest, curious of just who you exactly were, but he was mainly intrigued by the mysterious claim his father made upon mentioning you for the first time. 

‘There’s something about her you won’t refuse.’

That had raked Taehyung’s brain consistently for the past hour now, crossing his legs loosely and his arms folded over his chest, contemplating over and over again as he looked at you, what’s so damn special about her? 

‘You’ll notice it when you meet her,’ the words rang in his ears.

That was the driving force behind his calculation, observation, near inability to take his eyes off of you as he learned new things nearly every minute and led him closer to understanding his father.  

He could tell you were an anxious person, though hid it behind a persona of false confidence. You had a tendency to stick close to your father despite observing you don’t rely on him for much of anything, even less your mother. The softness behind your every movement despite being from a business background where you should be harsh, rigid, rough around the edges, and yet you seemed entirely different.

Taehyung then realized how inherently dissimilar you were to many of the other women he met. They were all relatively of the same cut and look. Cold, sharp, cunning. All women of pure business; daughters, granddaughters or straight CEOs of wealthy companies, simply interested in marriage as a deal or an advantage rather than a commitment. 

And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Taehyung was a man of business himself, married to his work, his home behind a desk and the company the only thought occupying his mind 24/7.

But with you, you were interesting, unlike the others and it made him curious.

Taehyung also couldn’t help but notice you were...pretty. You weren’t too overly sexy nor too innocent, you were pretty. There was an elegance to your looks, features like your hair and eyes complementing you as a whole, and he couldn’t miss that you felt oddly...warm.

Taehyung found himself beginning to understand his father’s original viewpoint, considering the possibility he could’ve been correct. 

You just seemed different. 

“Ah, that seems to be everything. Exact details about the wedding have already been put in place by us.”

“Yes! We’ve been waiting for our TaeTae to get married for so long. We’ve had plans for months now and we can finally move forward with them! You and Y/N don’t need to worry about anything!” 

“Mom, did you really just call me that in front of my future fiancé?” 

“Oh, let it go, son. It won't be long before she calls you that, too!” 

Taehyung could only playfully roll his eyes at his overly excited mother, you scrunching your nose at the embarrassment.

“That’s incredibly generous of you, Mr. and Mrs. Kim, though my conscience is not one to let such things go. My family should contribute to the wedding in some way. Y/N and I would be happy to do so.”

“Why don’t we discuss that outside? I believe we should give the future couple some time alone, shall we?” 

You and Taehyung exchanged a quick look before standing up and respectively addressing either’s parents, Taehyung shutting the door behind them once they exited and having turned to look at you, an awkward silence piercing the air. 

There it was again, his look. It was irrefutably the one reason you avoided eye contact with him, you felt he would swallow you up if you shared even 5 seconds between each other.

“So...” Taehyung suddenly broke the ice, eyeing you.

“So...” 

“Marriage, huh?” 

“Yeah, marriage. Never done that one before.” If there wasn’t a time you vehemently hated yourself, then it was undoubtedly now. You internally facepalmed at your dumb comment, adding a laugh at the end in embarrassment only to look away. 

“Uh..yeah.” Taehyung laughed awkwardly. “Me neither, if you didn’t already know.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and looked away, you fidgeting by the couches everyone previously occupied. 

A beat of silence passed as you both exchanged looks between objects in the room and each other, either of you pursing your lips or blowing light raspberries to cut the awkwardness. 

“I wanted to ask you something.” 

“Hm?” You turned towards him, lips just a pout as your doe-eyes awaited him. 

Taehyung didn’t miss that at all. 

“Um, your mother. I apologize if this is intrusive of me, though I couldn’t help but notice I’ve never actually met her. May I ask where she is?” 

You let out a dry chuckle before answering, another detail that didn’t slip Taehyung’s attention. “Trust me, Taehyung, one thing you’ll never have to worry about during this entire ordeal is my mother. She should be the last thing on your mind.” You assured him with what he could tell was your fakest smile, distracting him from the realization you’d said his name for the first time.

“Are you sure? I’ll be meeting her at the wedding so-”

“You won’t. I don’t think you will. Even if she does make it, it takes very little to impress her, just be yourself and she’ll love you.” You stated with a sense of finality, as though the topic should be dropped. 

“Be myself? I’m one of the best businessmen in Korea. It’s my job to get people to like me, easy stuff.” He casually gloated. 

“You don’t only have to be a businessman to do that,” you paused and looked at him, “you can just be Kim Taehyung, too.” You spoke nonchalantly, eyes lingering with his for longer than 5 seconds and he, in fact, had not swallowed you yet. 

Taehyung instantly furrowed his eyebrows, taken aback as if your suggestion was something outlandish, absurd, maybe even offending.

Nobody has ever said such a thing to him, not throughout the entirety of his life. 

Taehyung tried his best to recover, searching for another topic of conversation before he was cut off by your rather soft voice, he noticed. 

“Oh, I wanted to give you this.” You stepped towards him, reaching into your purse and retrieving something Taehyung couldn’t quite see. You strided over and extended your hand, Taehyung finding himself even more confused.

“A bandage?” 

“Mhm. For the cut on your finger. You should probably clean it and apply something before putting this on.” You stated nonchalantly once again, offering him a small smile whilst holding out the bandage. 

“Uh...” Taehyung started but couldn’t complete his sentence, lost on how you even observed something as small as his cut and spoke of treating it like it was an actual injury.  

After his struggle to form a sentence, you grew bold enough to gently remove his hand from his pocket and place the bandage in his palm, looking back up at him. You shared a momentary look with his chocolate eyes, instantly scrambling after realizing your hand was still in his.

He has really big hands. 

“We should um...probably go.” You avoided his eyes, stepping aside quickly to pull the door open.

Taehyung’s mind felt displaced, eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the fact that someone had actually left him with nothing to say, an extremely rare occurrence in his book.

He was even more displaced looking at the measly wrapper in his hand, then at the cut on the side of his finger, playing through the last 5 minutes of what just happened.

He scoffed to himself.

‘There’s something about her you won’t refuse.’

It had been 3 weeks since that meeting, not having seen Taehyung once as you wasted your time enjoying single life luxuries before you prepared for one of marriage.

It still felt odd to say such a thing, marriage, because it didn’t even feel like one, or a real one at that. It was forced, fake, a pressured one out of convenience. It felt more like a deal, something Taehyung and yourself had to settle for in order to keep your parents’ minds at ease.

That thought racked your brain all those 3 weeks; Taehyung had to settle for you, he didn’t choose you, just as much as you settled for him and didn’t choose him either. You both had ultimately agreed to the marriage only in an effort to optimize your parents’ happiness, not your own.

You had no clue how he felt, a mystery as much as the Bermuda Triangle, knowing he most certainly had a grand pick of women to choose from and you were most definitely his worst option.

You knew you were suddenly dumped on him, leaving him no choice in the matter as you learned your marriage entailed a beneficial business deal between your fathers’ companies, and Taehyung couldn’t really refuse you with so much on the line.

You had already felt inferior to Taehyung since the moment you met him, though your insecurities seeped further into the crevices of your doubtful mind the more you thought over that sad fact, contemplating a married life with him. In your opinion you were pretty much undesirable to him, Taehyung probably kicking himself knowing he had to unwillingly call you his wife for the rest of his life. 

You just knew you weren’t good enough for him, you would never measure up no matter how hard you’d try and that utterly terrified you. You were confident and independent when it came to yourself, though wedding a near perfect being regarded as one of Seoul’s finest in terms of a CEO and a man? 

Confidence be damned, this dude was intimidating. 

These were the feelings that swarmed your head as you sulked at your over-the-top engagement party, set up in a prestigious buildings’ gorgeous 37th floor riddled with baroque styling and embellishments, classical music gracing some of Seoul’s wealthiest patrons as their flutes clinked and snobby chatter filled the hall. 

It was all extremely high-status, reeking of upper class supremacy and quite frankly, it made you want to throw up.

You distracted yourself by bringing any and all types of alcohol to your lips, trying to focus on anything but your daunting thoughts.

The entire night you hadn’t talked to Taehyung, both of you having been too occupied with the numerous amounts of people meeting and congratulating you. This became a genuine nuisance as you’d mentioned before, this marriage was of convenience, one that brought families and companies together merrily and constituted hundreds of people attending your engagement party you didn’t really know.

Your friends were excited, over-the-moon you bagged a man like Taehyung and chastised you for not having told them about your engagement to him earlier. Your relatives similarly scolded you, pinching your cheeks and praising Taehyung like he was a God while they scrunched their noses at you for concealing him.

How could I tell you when I didn’t even know myself?, you thought.

It was funny they praised your ‘choice’ of a fiancé, positive nobody was saying the same to Taehyung without at least lying. The public only knew of you as your father’s daughter, never having seen you due to your vehement absence from anything remotely related to his company, and much of the business world in general. 

You weren’t part of that world, a world of greed and money-driven lunatics. It just wasn't you. It never suited you, left you with a bad taste in your mouth you constantly grimaced at and thought maybe you were the insane one for not understanding its flavour. As you grew older, however, you came to realize it simply wasn’t the path meant for you, someone who valued the independence and achievement of earning something for yourself, by yourself.

Ever since the inception of that principal, your young teenage self resolved you didn’t want to rely on your father’s wealth, especially not his influence or power to achieve your own place in life.

Your father had worked determinedly hard for years in order to stand as high he does now, warranting your acute admiration for your role model of a father, his now successful architecture business landing him a few buildings part of the Seoul skyline.

And after finally achieving his dream, it suddenly morphed into your own aspiration. His hard work drove you to want your own design part of Seoul’s breathtaking scenery as well, by means of your own effort, your own hard work. You didn’t want your father’s help. It felt wrong, like you were cheating if you used him to gain your place and so you condemned your life to one that separated yours and his. 

So you lived, worked and earned money without any of his influence.

You worked for an average architecture company where you felt comfortable, happy that you were away from the suffocating high-status business of your family. And although your detachment left your identity a mystery to many, your situation on the other hand was an extremely infamous one.

‘The-runaway-heiress’, was your staple trademark. The judgmental comments about your choice of life and the insults it warranted were never-ending, subjected to that criticism all your life.

There was no doubt Taehyung was hearing all of that, people probably warning him to step out of the marriage before it was too late. You weren’t like Taehyung, who was perfect, desirable, someone everyone either wanted or wanted to be. It left you glad and quite frankly, proud to be wedding a man of such caliber and incredibility, though left you wondering why in God’s name he would ever agree to marry someone like you; average, average and well, average.

“That’s your 5th shot, Y/N, slow the fuck down.” Your best friend Hana’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts, snatching the shot glass from your grasp. “It wouldn’t be cool if you were trashed at your own party, dummy.” 

Her sudden appearance brought a smile to your face. “I know, I just don’t feel well.” You sighed by the counter of the bar, seated atop a stool as you circled an empty shot glass mindlessly. 

“I get you, there’s like, hundreds of people here and you’re probably hearing a lot of different shit.” Hana appealed to you, having read your emotions like an open book. “Speaking of people, I wanted to ask, what’s up with Taehyung and his stare?”

You stifled a snort, looking at Hana’s incredulous face. “It’s just a habit of his. He stares at everyone.”

“Okay... sure, but I didn’t mean everyone, I meant you.” Hana emphasized, comically pointing.

You furrowed your eyebrows at her, arm leaning against the bar’s counter as you questioned, “What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t really stop staring at you, which is kinda weird. Unless you like that, I don’t judge people’s kinks.” Hana mockingly held her hands up in surrender, gauging a reaction out of you. 

You instantly grimaced, “It’s not a kink, Hana. Nice joke by the way, wanna sign up for SNL with that one?”

“I’m serious! I’ve been catching him just looking at you and I don’t know if it’s weird or hot.” Hana informed as you became more puzzled, her becoming oddly excited, “Awh, maybe he’s concerned with how much you keep drinking! That’s so romantic.” She chimed, looking off into the distance dreamily.

“Shut the fuck up, he wouldn’t do that.” You smacked her arm, snatching your shot glass back from her. “Besides, you’re one of the rare people who knows this marriage is fake, you know he doesn’t care.”

“Jheez, way to kill romance?” Hana rolled her eyes, smacking your arm in rebuttal before continuing. “I’m serious, though. This may be fake but he really does keep looking at you, and I don’t know what it means.” Hana speculated, contorting her lips as if in thought.

“It means nothing, Hana. You’re just seeing things.”

“Then why has he been staring at you depressed by the bar for the last half an hour?”

You nearly spit out your drink, “What?”

“Are you clueless or just dumb? He’s been talking to someone for 30 minutes but most of the time he’s been looking at you, and he still is, how haven’t you noticed?”

You creased your eyebrows in surprise as you slowly lowered your shot glass. You turned away from Hana to scan the small crowds of people mingling, eating, drinking in the hall.

You searched the room, drink still in hand until your eyes caught tall, dark and handsome in his finely pressed suit, casually standing with a drink in his hand by a table speaking to someone. You nearly jumped when your eyes locked with Taehyung’s, every cell in your body caught off guard.

What made your heart specifically race was the way he didn’t even look away from you. He held your gaze, casually conversing with the person in front of him, eyeing you until he finally cracked a small smirk before turning back to his companion.

Your eyebrows practically shot up to the sky.

“See, weird or hot? Am I even allowed to say hot?” Hana blurted as she reveled in your reaction. “And you really thought I was joking. You don’t believe anything I say, I could tell you the world’s ending and you wouldn’t believe me. I could tell you aliens finally invaded the planet and you wouldn’t believe me until the green motherfuckers knocked on your door themselves and-”

“Hana, shut the fuck up.” You cut her off abruptly and made a face at her. “Why did you even come here?”

“Grumpy, aren’t we?” She flashed you a sarcastic look before sighing. “Your dad wanted me to find you. You and Taehyung have to meet someone important, so you should stop drinking like an alcoholic, dumbass.” Hana informed hastily as she grabbed the shot glass from you and downed it herself.

“Your dad’s by the entrance, go before he gets mad!” She shooed you away, pushing you up until you whisper-yelled and smacked at her to let you go. 

You began stepping towards the entrance, smoothing over your dress and this was the moment you realized you may have drank a little too much. You were quick to reprimand yourself, cursing your unprofessional behavior as your inner equilibrium became slightly woozy, senses drowning out a bit, every sound hazed over with a buzz in your veins.

You sucked in a breath to pull yourself together, knowing your dad valued this person enough you and Taehyung had to meet them together. 

Taehyung.

You decided to glance in his direction, lips pursing seeing he wasn’t in his previous spot. You chose to ignore it, walking along until you felt a looming presence behind you, almost having time to acknowledge it before a hand suddenly touched the small of your back. 

“Looking for me?”

You nearly squealed, jumping with a hand ready to punish before calming down at the sight of Taehyung, sighing with relief. “Jheez, could you use my name? I thought you were a stranger.” 

“Well, hello to you too.” Taehyung quipped sarcastically. “And why would a stranger touch your back? Of course it’d be the only man in this room marrying you.” Taehyung narrowly eyed you, scrutinizing your reaction with his hand still pressed to you.

“People do a lot of whatever the hell they want, Taehyung.” You responded turning away from him, heels clacking as you continued to pace towards where your father stood. “W-why’d you do that, anyway?” 

Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows. “Because we’re engaged?”

“It’s not real, though.”

“It’s as real as it gets.” Taehyung finalized, making it a statement to smile at everyone you passed, to which you realized just how many pairs of eyes glued themselves to you. “This may not feel like a real marriage to us, but to the rest of the world it is.” 

He then suddenly leaned himself down to your height and lowered his tone, breath just ghosting your ear. “Y/N, we have to make this seem real, it’s the only way we’ll survive.” Taehyung was the closest he’s ever been to you, and the deep baritone of his voice as he called your name did absolutely nothing but manifest butterflies in your chest. 

Why was his voice so deep?

You shook the thought out of your head, ultimately choosing not to say anything because he was in fact, correct. You grinned widely continuing to mask the truth of your arrangements, leaning into him more as you settled for his hand on your back.

You’d noticed it before, but his hand felt particularly large against you now that he was so close. You glanced at his other hand resting by his side, impressed by how masculine they appeared; long fingers with running veins and a roughness to them, sculpted so well you were sure they deserved to be referred to as art. It tickled your giddy side for a second when they seemed to perfectly contrast your more feminine and smaller hands. 

It was kinda cute. 

You neglected your thoughts once you neared your father, warm-heartedly conversing with a well-dressed man you just about recognized. 

“Ah, there you both are!” Your father cheered, reaching out his arm so he could envelop you in a side-hug, returning Taehyung’s bow and addressment.  

“Dad, I heard you wanted us to meet someone?” You perked up in a superficial tone, at least attempting to act as though everything was fine and dandy in your life; maybe owing it to the alcohol to endure all the falsehoods.

“Yes, Y/N-ie, I wanted you to meet Mr. Won. Chang-in, my lovely daughter and whom I guess you already know, her fiancé and CEO of Kim Enterprises, Kim Taehyung.” Your father proudly presented you both.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Won, Kim Taehyung.” Taehyung was the first to address the man, extending his hand and bowing as he greeted him. You were almost taken aback by how polite he could be, the way his charming smile graced his features and attractively displayed his perfect teeth. His manner of speech and etiquette were all refined with a high degree of professionalism as well, internally gawking at his duality.  

Wasn’t he acting all entitled with you just now? 

“Nice to meet you as well!” You collected yourself and cheered, a little baffled as to why Taehyung still rested his hand against your back. “I’m hoping my father has only said good things.” You earned a laugh from the group, Mr. Won responding by receiving your hand with a firm shake. 

“Ah, Namhyun, you forgot to mention how beautiful your daughter has grown, and your future son-in-law has me jealous! What a handsome and accomplished young man, the perfect match, the two of them.” Mr. Won praised you both kindly.

You and Taehyung both smiled and thanked him humbly, feeling some heat collect in your cheeks upon Mr. Won’s words. You two? The perfect match? Unless he believes a rock and a Greek statue belong together, then he’s absolutely correct. 

Other than that, you chest swarms with butterflies thinking you’re now referred to as ‘two’. 

Taehyung for some odd reason encircles the curve of your waist suddenly, pulling you closer to him. You last minute sputter at the intimate action before leaning into him, one arm nervously encasing his torso as the other rests against his chest. 

You feel him tense underneath you. 

“Aish, you’re such a flatterer. Y/N-ie, do you remember Mr. Won? My friend from university? You haven’t seen him in a while.” Your father rested a hand on your shoulder, trying to jog your memory. 

“Oh, you mean Mr. Won from SNU?” You suddenly remembered, looking to your father for confirmation. 

“Yes, so you do remember!” 

“Of course I do, how could I forget!” You smiled brightly and returned your gaze to the familiar man. “Mr. Won used to sneak me ice cream when you wouldn’t let me have any, Dad.” You scolded him with a playful jab to his arm, inviting more laughter. “I apologize for not recognizing you right away, it’s been a long time, Mr. Won, forgive me.” You solemnly apologized, Mr. Won giving you a look of understanding. 

“Ah, forget it, Y/N. Don’t worry about it, although since it’s been a long time I hope you remember my son? He should be here somewhere..” Mr. Won trailed as his eyes fished over the grand hall, scanning around. 

“Your son..” You repeated to yourself, realizing there was a familiar connection itching at your mind, he was your age actually-

Wait. 

Oh God, not him. 

Anything but him. 

You felt raw panic seep into the spaces between your ribs, your chest filling with a constricting feeling of anxiety you couldn't shake off. Your heart picked up speed and the alcohol coursing through your veins didn’t help your judgement or memory at all, mind fogged over with the poison we dare call alcohol.  

You felt stupid, so utterly stupid. How could you forget Mr. Won and who his Godforsaken son was? 

You felt an anxiety attack riddling you, shifting your weight on your feet as you tried to bite back your uneven breathing. You just couldn’t see this man, especially in a situation where you were standing next to your husband-to-be. 

Taehyung wasn’t so invested in the conversation before him, mindlessly nodding along before he felt you physically freeze next to him, his glance to the side confirming your pale look, watching as your panicked eyes faltered to the floor and revealed... fear? 

He registered your odd shifting and your failed attempts at plastering a smile, confused if you knew this guy and if you did, why were you freaking out so much?

Were you in love with him or something? 

The thought minutely bugged him until he watched you turn straight up uncomfortable, horrified when Mr. Won called out his son’s name. 

“Kiseok-ah! Come here!” 

You stopped breathing when you heard the name, eyes going wide as you avoided eye contact with anyone in the group, but caught Taehyung’s undivided attention. He grew curious when Kiseok sauntered over to the group, your hand on his chest suddenly squeezing his suit as the mysterious man greeted everyone respectfully.

Taehyung watched as his intrigued eyes locked on you, eyebrows perking up amusedly as his lips curved into a smile Taehyung honestly couldn’t admit to liking. 

“Y/N? Wow, long time no see. It’s been what, a year?” The man Kiseok called out happily, like there was absolutely no problem occurring here but as Taehyung felt your hand clutch onto his suit, lips just about quivering before you forced a smile, he knew there was most certainly a problem. 

“Yeah.” Your voice was weak, small, and Taehyung found himself wondering how a courageous person like you was all of a sudden cowering. 

He’d heard it all night, all the accounts of your other life away from the business world. He wasn’t going to lie, he heard a multitude of opinions concerning you, many of which including either looking down on you or telling Taehyung there’s many other, more powerful women in business he could’ve been marrying instead. 

But Taehyung didn’t care for their opinions, he found you the most powerful woman he could ever marry, and agreed to do so because of that very prospect. Sure, you were estranged from the business scene and practically abandoned any role you’d play in your father’s company in order to pursue your own personal aspirations, but if anything, Taehyung found it highly commendable. 

Taehyung knew it took guts to do what you did, a bold and daring act that no other heir or future heir of a wealthy company could ever think of doing, including himself. 

What he found to appreciate most was your unwillingness to give in, where you had to have heard all the back-handed and snobby comments, yet you still held your head up high, remained rooted and adamant in keeping your current way of life. It instantly signaled to him you were courageous, fearless, unable to be stopped in your tracks.

So when he watched you become smaller and smaller the more you stood in the vicinity of this Kiseok, he knew something was sincerely wrong. 

“Ah yes, it’s been quite some time. Why don’t we step away from you three? You could do some catching up.” Your father urged as he motioned Mr. Won to step away with him. You lightly addressed them only to have your hands neglect Taehyung entirely and start fidgeting, attempting to calm your nerves as the alcohol inebriated your system and magnified your anxiety by tenfold. 

“Ah, yes, Kim Taehyung, CEO of Kim Enterprises. I’ve been meaning to meet you.” Kiseok extended his hand as his voice irked you with every syllable, trying your best to seem like absolutely nothing was wrong. 

Taehyung reached out his hand in response uneagerly, giving a small shake while wondering why you let him go. “That’s news to me, nice to meet you.” Taehyung responded, already feeling an intense aura of discomfort and tension between you both, sensing he was missing out on something that seemed 6 ft deep. 

“Likewise. Y/N..” Kiseok suddenly turned towards you, making you wince. You painted on your smile as you lifted your vision. “Kiseok.” 

“How’ve you been?” 

“Better than ever. You?” 

“Marvelous, just wondering what your life’s looked like since I haven’t been in it.”

“I believe I said better than ever, didn’t I?”

Kiseok scoffed unamused, “So a year, huh? In all that time you suddenly found yourself a fiancé, and Kim Taehyung at that?” Kiseok seemed to be making light-hearted conversation to anyone outside of your group, though you knew deep down the hostility behind his words.

“Yeah, I did. It just happened.” You shrugged, gaining the confidence to counter him. “And you? Plan on putting a ring on any of your girls? Maybe the 5th or 7th one you liked?” You sarcastically questioned, furrowing your brows in mock contemplation. 

“No, you know I’ve always had my eye on one girl when it came to marriage.” Kiseok eyed you knowingly, purposefully, like he was trying to make it obvious.

You snorted and glared at him, “If I remember correctly, your attitude said otherwise.” hatred began boiling under your skin. You felt yourself growing angrier by the second, memories between you two coming back in flashes. You didn’t even realize you were shaking until Taehyung’s hand suddenly entangled with yours, pulling you towards him almost defensively. 

You were surprised, looking at your connected hands and back up at Taehyung. He returned your look, peering down at you as he smiled warmly, affectionately. 

“I’m sorry, Kisook? Was it? My future wife and I have plans for tonight. May you excuse us?” Taehyung didn’t even let Kiseok respond before he was pulling you away, in complete shock at his first lack of manners you’d ever seen. You were only left to watch Taehyung as he lead you along, gaining the timely opportunity to realize he was taller than Kiseok, and in fact significantly taller than you. 

Taehyung was a large man in general, you noticed. His shoulders looked broad from behind, accentuated by the fit of his suit which also emphasized the expanse of his chest, tastefully exposing his sculpted neck. His legs were long, proportioned perfectly in accordance with the rest of his model-like figure, which was ideally fit and contained just the right amount of muscle. 

Dear God, you took your time with this one. 

You didn’t even realize Taehyung had pulled you into a secluded hallway or that you were ogling him when he suddenly stopped, turning in your direction and snapping you out of a near fever dream. 

Yeah, alcohol was not a good idea tonight. 

“Who the fuck was that?” 

“What?”

“That douche, who was that?” Taehyung inquired slightly pissed, in need of the asshole’s identity after watching whatever shitshow he didn’t pay for. 

“Nobody, Taehyung, he shouldn’t concern you.” You looked away from him, pouting in a way that made Taehyung momentarily notice the plush of your lips. 

Again?, was all he could think, first, your mother, and now this guy? Just how many people did you have bad connections with and he needed to ignore? 

Why were there so many intricate pieces to you? 

“Are you kidding me? He concerns me now, your mother I can understand but this guy? Nothing to me. I could step on him.” Taehyung proclaimed confidently and stood up broader, conviction written all over his face.

You couldn’t help but giggle at his remark, resembling the thought you had earlier. “I was just thinking, you’re a lot taller than him.” 

Taehyung couldn’t help but bite back a smile, watching you giggle like a shy high schooler and his ears gladly welcomed the soft sound. “Damn straight I am.” He adjusted the jacket of his suit suavely. It was then he remembered what his other hand was doing; still holding yours. 

His eyes suddenly gleamed with mischief. 

He squeezed your hand a little tighter and yanked you towards him, bodies just centimeters apart as you crashed into him, all up in each other’s personal space.

Your eyes widened in complete surprise. 

 “So you were thinking about me, huh?” Taehyung teased with a stupidly lowered tone, a smug grin decorating his face. 

You ignored the electricity shooting through you, rolling your eyes and playfully sneering at him. “Shut up, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see you’re taller.” You forced space between you two and tried snatching your hand from him, but his grip transformed into an iron lock. 

“Says the one who was thinking about me.” 

“Taehyung, shut-” You almost huffed out but as soon as you stepped away, your copious consumption of alcohol suddenly attacked you all at once, vertigo making you lose your balance until Taehyung reached out to steady you. 

“Jheez, did you have to drink tonight?” Taehyung chastised you as you fell into him, head spinning with disorientation and growing flimsier by the second. “You’re probably a lightweight at your size.”

“I am not a lightweight. You don’t even know how much I drank, it was a lot.” You bit back in rebuttal, hooking onto his taut forearms as he supported you. 

“But I did see.” He voiced barely above a whisper, causing you to snap your vision up at him incredulously. “What?” 

“Nothing, it shouldn’t concern you.” Taehyung mocked, though still tried to fix you onto your own footing.  

You didn’t even get to scrutinize him further when you felt another round of dizziness plague you, balance faltering again. Taehyung huffed out and finally flanked you on his side, arm encasing your shoulders as he adjusted you. “Okay Miss I’m-Not-A-Lightweight, you should eat something.” He fit you beside him, beginning to walk you towards the main hall. 

Taehyung in this moment didn’t understand what he was doing, utterly clueless as to what was fueling his actions. He was uncertain why he found himself.. caring? He didn’t even know you, yet he couldn’t help but become a little concerned when he watched you down drinks like it was New Year’s Eve. 

How can all that alcohol fit into one tiny person?

What was he even thinking when he dragged you away from that Kisuk guy? Why did he feel like protecting you all of a sudden? A near sense of possessiveness? He wasn’t even your real husband. 

It started giving Taehyung a headache. This was all strange, a foreign concept he wasn’t familiar with and he didn’t know if it was the result of his considerate personality or only manifested solely because of you.

The same way Taehyung dealt with his inner turmoil, you dealt with yours; you were always so adamant on independence though ironically found yourself leaning on Taehyung.

Oddly, you let him carefully guide you back into the hall with no protests. 

It was the day of the wedding. 

You wish you could recall your emotions throughout the day, certain there would be at least a sliver of a positive one. Though as you remained unmoving, nearly catatonic, unresponsive to your surroundings, you knew there wouldn’t be a single happy memory in the tsunami of sorrow that attacked you today. 

Emotions of grief plagued consistently as you realized the loss of everything you valued most in your life. Your happiness, your freedom, your ability to choose. The stripping of all those bundled into an stifling wad in your chest that left you in a perpetual state of wanting to cry.

The sting in your heart when you realized your mother didn’t bother to come, the excruciating smile you forced onto your features when Taehyung’s mother delicately placed the veil atop your head, the secret tears you shed after adorning your body with a wedding dress you didn’t even choose; it all left you internalizing feelings of utter agony. 

And none of it was your real choice. 

Even the flowers at the wedding weren’t your favourite. 

This day was horrifying. You couldn’t believe you prided yourself on your independence, refusing to give in despite numerous challenges and never taking a word of what anyone said to you. Even when someone begged you to change or come back to your old life, you always chose for yourself. You never allowed someone to push you around, seldom coerced into anything solely based on the wishes of another. 

Yet here you were, standing just before the grand doors of a wedding you never asked for, having easily followed every word of your father’s and sacrificed your deepest principles in order to make him happy, to appease and live up to his expectations that weren’t your own. 

It was utterly frightening, appalling. As if you had lost the one true commendable feature of the intricate character you were, suddenly lost the acclamation of others even if they didn’t know the true nature of your marriage. 

But what disgusted you the most was truly, that you had lost respect for yourself. 

These grim thoughts were the ones that attached themselves to you as you hesitantly hooked your arm with your father’s. You used every ounce of strength to not flee, to remain here, to still walk down that isle with your head held high like you always have despite abandoning every foundation of the character you’d spent years working on.  

You didn’t care that your eyes watered, masking them with the facade of happy tears from the blushing bride. You didn’t care when your father looked incredibly concerned and wondered what was so wrong, you didn’t care how sorrowful you may have appeared to anyone at this ironically glamorous event. 

Though what you did care for was that you couldn’t hold your head up as you walked down the isle, vision fixated on the ground as your tears betrayed you, spilling out at the traumatizing feeling of not being able to stand tall like you always did, something stripping you of your self-reassurance, your strength, your confidence.  

It all spelled the requiem of your soul as you reached the end, dwelling in the impossibility this was happening to you until you felt the touch of Taehyung’s fingertips, guiding you up the stairs. It was then confirmed to you this was in fact real, part of your new reality you had no choice but to accept. 

You suddenly felt eternal gratitude for the veil that now covered your face, hiding the tears you cried at mourning the loss of everything you worked for.

While the priest’s words were read, you didn’t exchange a single look with Taehyung, knowing you’d only want to evaporate into the air, to run away at light speed or have someone in a turn-of-events suddenly take your life, just so you didn't have to face the humility of giving up the life you’d spent blood, sweat and tears building if you looked him in the eye. 

You felt the weight of your unknown future crushing you, pushing you towards the precipice as you gripped Taehyung’s hands harder to ground yourself. 

You were to rely on Taehyung, to share a bond with him you had never spent time cultivating, expected to live a life next to him while never being able to truly understand him, know him, love him. The natural process of falling in love now tainted with the coercion of a pressurized marriage, losing the opportunity to achieve any true sense of love. You’d never experience finding the one anymore, your soulmate, the other end of your red string of fate. 

That realization made your tears spill harder, disconnecting your hand from Taehyung’s to prevent your choked sobs becoming audible, holding your palm against your quivering lips. 

To anyone beyond you and Taehyung, it would look as though you were crying tears of happiness, joyously weeping at your matrimony with the love of your life, though as Taehyung felt the shaking of your hands, your refusal to meet his gaze as you reluctantly walked down the isle, the agonizing pain he could see through the sheer of your veil, he knew you were far from happy. 

He couldn’t help but purse his lips together tightly, knowing you were probably swallowing insurmountable torment down your throat because of this marriage, and tears pricked at his own eyes finding himself able to relate. 

He wasn’t just upset for you or himself, it was the entire situation, quite frankly the fucking world. The fact that the universe planned this as your destiny, his destiny, that the happiness of your parents and two companies came at the expense of both yours and his.

He knew you didn’t hate him, that he wasn’t the reason just as much as you weren’t the reason either, it was the arbitrary nature of the arrangement. That whatever version of true love and happily ever after you and Taehyung had separately dreamed of, it could never come to life. 

Even if the company meant everything to Taehyung, his CEO position more important than whatever position he’d play as some husband, seldom having time to consider love and relationships, he still harboured the same wants and desires any human would. A partner, a companion he truly loved with whom he’d start a family eventually, create a life for them and himself defined by love and comfort.

Though Taehyung only knew now you would both die with your decision-making capabilities robbed of you, bound to each other forcibly without the ardor of real love. 

Taehyung’s every thought was proven correct when the two of you exchanged your vows in near strangled chokes and shaky tones, appearing as happy emotions to the guests of the wedding though only you two knowledgeable of each other’s suffering. 

Your vision finally met Taehyung’s once you heard the rawness in his voice, your miserable emotions doubling when you registered he was just in the same pain as you. It was in that moment the priest’s words became audible and rang loud in both your ears, suddenly grounding you two to earth and reminding you of your reality. 

“You may kiss the bride.”

Both of your eyes grievously locked for a moment of horrified realization; that you were seconds away from going through with this, throwing each other’s lives away for the utilitarian benefit, abandoning any sense of choice in whom you both would spend a lifetime with.

Taehyung swallowed thickly as he removed your veil, feeling his eyes fill with tears again when he laid them upon your utterly devastated, tear-stained face. You were using every nerve in your body to stop yourself from sobbing and caving into the ominous thought of fleeing the ceremony.  

Taehyung’s sight wondered to your lips as they still quivered, nearly swollen red at the intensity in which you bit them, awaiting the kiss you were certain would be filled with frustration and hatred, hatred for the mud you were dragging him through, hatred for pressuring him into suddenly valuing something more than his work and his company, to suddenly become a husband to you. 

Though as he watched the terror flashing through your eyes, tears watering your lash line, he knew he could never feel anything so ardently negative towards you, remembering exactly what he was stripping you of. 

The life you built on your own, defying any and everyone’s expectations of yourself, cursing your heir status to hell, your strength, your independence. Now? Your life was bound to his, bound to one where you were obliged to sacrifice yourself for your father’s company and the upper class cesspool you’d spent so long trying to run away from. 

So as Taehyung began closing the gap between you two, nearing your shaking figure, he resolved he wouldn’t make this hard. He would try, try to accept that his life now entailed you, would try to work towards the balance his father insisted he needed, try to understand that you were now part of his priorities and could never simply ignore you.  

He glided his thumbs against the back of your hands that held his pacifyingly, leaning down until he was just inches from your lips as you squeezed your eyes shut. He unexpectedly spoke quietly, meaningfully, seconds away from sealing the deal of an uncertain future, though, remained certain of this one thing. 

“I’ll take care of you, Y/N, I promise.” And he kissed you in a single breath, no haste, no pressure, only the gentle touch of his lips as they met yours, soft and light. 

Maybe Taehyung didn’t know the exact feelings behind his promise, but he knew the meaning; that no matter the arrangement, the non-existent feelings, the loss of choice, he would at least take care of you like any husband would, a good husband.  

He at least owed you that.  

You were left shocked at the nature of his kiss, Taehyung’s warm lips connecting with yours tenderly. You were convinced the tears you saw in his eyes were enough to assert he hated this, frustrated he had to sell his soul, wishing to only rush the kiss so he could call it a day and ignore you for the rest of his life. 

Though what you never expected was the promise he made, or the way he kissed you with such intimacy you found yourself melting into his touch, reciprocating. He kissed you like you were fragile, locking your lips in a way that solidified his promise, as if out of all the empty vows you spoke today, this was the one, true vow he would keep. His lips felt plush against yours, catching his mouth just a little more before the bittersweet disconnection. 

You and Taehyung exchanged a poignant look, small smiles decorating both your faces with a mutual understanding swimming in your eyes as you gripped each other’s hands. You let his promise permeate the air between you two, finding solace in his words as the applause of everyone attending the ceremony filled the hall.   

Maybe it was the warm way Taehyung always pressed his hand to the small of your back when you spoke to others the whole night, maybe the way he veered you away from excessive amounts of alcohol with a light-hearted scolding considering that last time you drank, or maybe even the way he gently held you during your first dance..

Maybe it was all these considerate, kinds act that made you view Taehyung in a less negative light and rather a favourable one, that maybe he wouldn’t be the asshole CEO you’d first accused him of being.  

You would also be an idiot to not mention how completely and utterly handsome he was, looks carved by the Greeks themselves, quite possibly the hottest, most attractive man you’ve ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. 

And maybe all that accumulated into your assured opinion that when it came to consummating your marriage with Taehyung, you’d have no qualms or worries whatsoever. You would be absolutely willing, ready to take the night on and maybe even have some fun for yourself with whom you could tell was a really, really nice guy.

Though as Taehyung walked calmly in front of you towards your hotel suite, reaching into his suit pocket for the card key he’d retrieved at the front desk to swipe against the lock, your chest clogged with a crushing feeling of anxiety you couldn’t subdue. 

These weren’t the same nerves of maybe being not pretty enough, body insecurities or fear of what to expect from Taehyung, no, these nerves came from the utter panic of having to experience sex with another man.

Especially since your last partner. 

It always started with your permission, that wasn’t the issue, Though what left you afraid, so utterly frightened with the thought of spending a night with a man like this came from the treatment you received from that partner. 

Safe to say, you weren’t treated kindly. Far from that, actually, you were treated as though you had no needs or were a means of simple use. Your last partner was the opposite of giving, he was selfish, self-absorbed and only concerned himself with his own pleasure, going on and on only until he was satisfied and neglected you in every sense of the word, sometimes even refusing to listen to you if you protested. 

To make matters worse, he wasn’t faithful. 

You knew he slept around, a lot, it was the number one reason you never agreed to actually date him, never make things official. 

But the reason you would end up sleeping with him was because of the most perfectly imperfect concept among the human race; love. You believed every time with him was a new chance to make that love real, that it was the genuine manifestation of your feelings for one another, thinking maybe he wasn’t the asshole he always portrayed himself as and could man up enough to love you unconditionally. 

And he completely reeled you in, made you fall in love too quickly and made you believe he was capable of love. This grew exponentially when you were often described as ‘the different one’, the one he always came back to, that you were special. You clung onto those words as much as you could, convinced each time you were in fact the one for him, that maybe one day, he’d wake up and abandon his fuckboy lifestyle and mature.

But everyday that went by, every promise that was never fulfilled, every word that wasn’t met with an action, and especially after every hook up that resulted in nothing new, you began to understand you were everyone’s favourite role in a Shakespearean play. 

The fool. 

You were a joke to believe anything he said, the most naive person on earth to think you were any different from the others, when every night simply ended in rough fucks, virtually no orgasm and miniscule aftercare.

It left you essentially scarred, traumatized that every man in the world was built like this. It didn’t help that whenever you look back, many of your ex partners were of the same cut, the same trope of assholes that don’t seem as bad but end up being exactly so. 

It was what made you swallow thickly as Taehyung opened the door to the suite, holding it open as he moved aside to let you enter first. You walked forward and unintentionally brushed against him, realizing how much smaller you were in comparison to him all over again. 

He towered over you, and it made you more nervous. 

You looked up at him momentarily and quietly thanked him as you stepped inside, setting your sights on the large, king sized bed situated on one side of the room, a lounging area with couches to the other side which lead to a bathroom. Seoul’s breathtaking skyline was visible in the dark of the night through wall-to-ceiling windows opposite to you, covered by flowy, sheer curtains. 

You took a deep breath, trying to remind yourself Taehyung was not the same. Not all men are the same, you can’t inflict the mistakes and wrongdoings of one man onto another, categorize them into one kind. You wanted to think this way, and you knew it was the humane way to think. 

But as the memories of those heart-aching nights filled your head, the empty words, the lack of care or concern, the neglect, the feelings of pure abandonment and use only caused your heart to beat profusely in your chest, clutching onto the neckline of your dress to breathe. 

What if Taehyung really was no different?

It then suddenly hit you you didn’t know him. All you knew of Taehyung was that he was a fiercely successful business man, sitting atop Seoul’s most prestigious with Godly looks and a stare that could kill a man. You remembered your initial feelings about him; his stare in fact intimidated you, quite frankly all of him intimidated you, he was the epitome of perfection and you were far from that very notion. It left you thinking you didn’t measure up, and that he could view you in a dissimilar light than you viewed him; an unfavorable one. 

He could simply not want you, but is forced to.  

You’d observed his kind behavior and actions over the odd two days you met him, though that was exactly the inculpatory factor; you had only met him twice. You didn’t know what he would be like alone, when it was just the two of you, when there weren’t eyes scrutinizing him and cameras snapping shots of his every move. 

You didn’t know how he would be like in the bedroom, either. 

Your mind raced as you conflicted with yourself, trying to understand that Taehyung could be different, though apprehensive with the miniscule knowledge you actually had of him. 

You discerned after that last asshole of a partner you needed the love and care of a real partner, someone who would tend to your needs, adore you in the midst of their actions, be a giver and not just a receiver.  

And you didn’t know if Taehyung would be that partner. 

“Y/N...” Taehyung called out to you rather softly as he removed his suit jacket, the rustling of the cloth signaling he had indeed done so. His footsteps were hard to miss, the soles of his shoes sounding against the hardwood floor as he neared your lonesome figure standing in the middle of the room. 

Your breathing quickened with nearly every step he took, attempting to resolve the civil war you were battling within. You were trying to convince yourself Taehyung would be a nice man, a nice husband; though couldn’t help but feel deflated by the fact it was all mainly coerced out of him.

Your thoughts overwhelmed you as Taehyung finally stood behind you, mere inches from your back as he watched you from behind, unbeknownst of any feelings or thoughts currently riddling you.

He hesitated, though gently placed his hand against your bare arm, the sudden warmth of his hand against your skin causing you to flinch. He peered down at your smaller self squarely focusing in front of you, anticipating your response. He grew slightly soft when you tentatively looked over your shoulders, clearly teary-eyed. 

Taehyung couldn’t miss how scared you seemed, and he his heart inexplicably stung at the thought you were afraid of him. 

“We don’t have to do this.” Taehyung’s voice was low and resembled warm honey, reverberating in a way that made you ease up. 

You worked towards a stable voice. “W-we don’t?” 

“No, we don’t” His voice held no disappointment, only the intention of seemingly wanting to assure you, firm and oddly comforting. 

“I’m sorry, Taehyung. I’m really sorry.” It was hard to keep your tone leveled, clutching your hand over your mouth as you swallowed your emotions. 

“Don’t be sorry, there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” 

You strangely felt the desire to hold his hand that rested against you, though you ignored the urge and simply stepped out of his touch, clutching your chest tightly in an effort to cower away from him. But it was here you suddenly remembered that he kissed you, and the way he did so. 

It made your cheeks fill with a rosy blush. 

“Do you mean that?” You’d finally turned to meet his eyes, his face only visible by the moonlight illuminating the room. He seemed to have retracted his hand and stood with both tucked in his pockets, relaxed. 

This became the first time you noticed just how ravishing he looked tonight. 

His dark hair was slicked back loosely and left enough pieces to fall as a comma, graciously exposing his forehead, his Tom Ford suit attractively hugged his model-like body, watch and accessories accentuating his expensive look. 

His features were casted over by soft lighting, somehow adding to his beauty as the glow made him appear... less intimidating, dare you say warm or inviting. 

His expression was funnily enough, one that you could actually read. He held no contempt, no impatience or anger, only a hint of consideration as his calm eyes looked at you. His face may have been predominantly blank, void of a smile, though certainty held a form of reassurance.  

“Of course I do, why would I do anything with an unwilling person?”

You scoffed lightly, “Not a lot of people would say that.” Your eyes faltered from Taehyung’s and clutched yourself tighter, expression completely telling of trauma.

Taehyung instantly picked up on it, eyebrows slightly furrowing at your words though softening once registering their weight. He felt an overwhelming sense of apology take him, thinking of his next sentence before his mind oddly flashed back to the night of the engagement party.

“Y/N, did Kiseok..?” Taehyung trailed hesitantly. 

You winced at his line of thinking, “No, no...not what you’re thinking,” you immediately denied. “Just, shitty experiences.”

“Shitty, as in...?”

“As in only seeking self-satisfaction, neglect, lies, infidelity. Can we go to sleep?” You deflected with a heavy sigh and a hand at your temple, the day’s events catching up to you.

Taehyung nodded in agreement, “Yeah, sleep. We both need that.” His eyes then landed on the bed, registering even if it were large enough you two could sleep apart, he still opted for caution. 

“Um.. you can take the bed, by the way. I’ll sleep on the couch-”

“No, don’t do that.” You replied quickly. “I can’t sleep on a king-sized bed all by myself, it’s huge.” You side-eyed the massive mattress and laughed a little, lightening the heavy aura casted over the room. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be uncomf-”

“Don’t worry, Taehyung. You don’t make me feel uncomfortable.” You smiled at him lightly and received a small one from him, both your eyes mirroring the same sense of understanding you exchanged at the altar. 

“I’ll let you wash up first, your overnight bag should be in the bathroom closet.” Taehyung informed, pointing towards the direction of your things. 

“Thank you.” You voiced with an amount of warmth that made Taehyung want to genuinely smile, though crushed the weird urge and nodded agreeably instead.

You began walking away from him until a nuisance suddenly occurred to you, cursing yourself as you came to a full stop. “Um, Taehyung.. I forgot but could you..?” You angled your back towards him to call out to the ribbons tying the back of your dress, knowing you would’ve taken 20 years just to untie your bodice yourself. 

The fact that you weren’t looking directly at Taehyung made him feel relieved, glad he wouldn’t embarrass himself with the his eyes slightly widened. He was quick to reprimand himself, it’s just a woman’s dress, why the hell are you shocked? 

Taehyung swallowed dryly before replying, “Uh, yeah I’ll--I’ll do that.” He walked towards you sparingly and positioned himself behind you.

He’d noticed it before, but you were relatively small compared to him in size and it continued to poke at his brain, maybe even momentarily think it was cute. 

Cute? When have I ever found a girl cute?

Taehyung exhaled before his hands carefully made for the silk ribbons, his tentative fingers fiddling with the ties until he eventually began loosening each one. He started unlooping your bodice, breathing out considerably when each loop began exposing your back inch by inch.  

Taehyung’s sweet, hot breath fanned your skin, tensing each time as your every nerve went haywire feeling just how close he was. His slender fingers brushed against your bare skin here and there, making heat collect in your face.

You grew even hotter when your kiss with him suddenly crept back into your mind, unknowing of the reason why excitement and electricity shot throughout your body because of it. The way his soft, full lips met yours, mouthed at you tastefully repeated in your head, making you extremely nervous at how much a measly kiss from him was occupying your mind; it was just a kiss. 

Taehyung found himself tensing by the intimacy of the moment, remembering the way he so boldly kissed you. He found that he liked the plush of your lips, the way he had to bend down to your smaller height to lock lips; and it made him feel strange. 

How the hell was he taking interest in something other than his work? No, this isn’t interest, Taehyung thought, and would spend however long denying it. 

He’d finished the task throughout all his thinking, unrealizing of how proximal he was to you. He oddly hated that the moment was over, coming back down to Earth.

“There you go.” He cleared his voice and stepped away from you. 

You held your bodice up against your chest, realizing Taehyung had a full-access view of your back and you grew 10x hotter. You gulped at the thought before hastily turning around to thank him, quickly disappearing into the bathroom for a moment of reprieve. 

You shut the door and instantly breathed out a breath you didn’t remember holding, looking at your hot mess of a face in the mirror trying to cool down, reliving the last 10 minutes of what just happened. 

You took a deep breath. 

Maybe Taehyung is different after all. 

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[kicktwine]

do you have more thoughts on keyblade fighting that you need to put somewhere, because i have two hands ready to catch Should The Need Arise

anon: hey I heard you mention you’d analysed the combat styles in KH and what you said in the tags was already alluding to really neat stuff, but I for one would love to hear more of what you came up with!! so if you ever wanted to share any of your analysis then the floor is yours

aHAH, MY EXCUSE!!

Okay, so first some words on “standardized wielding styles”. These are styles shared by Terra, Aqua, Vanitas, Riku, and Xehanort and every other scala and daybreak kid. I will make the argument that the red style is the fanciest standard style, while the purple is seen often to make it easier on the little chibi sprites. BUT, I cannot discredit Eraqus, who uses the purple variant in bbs, nor can I discredit half of the Foretellers (Gula and Ava, at least, use this. Invi and Aced use the first type). So, two standard styles. For simplicity, let’s say one for primary offense, one for primary defense. The standard offensive style really wasn’t popular before Scala-era society.

check this difference out, specifically between ava invi and gula:

then between eraqus, hermod, and xehanort, and eraqus and terra.

These two were likely popularized and standardized for education in Scala ad Caelum for their predominant lack of obvious weak spots.

After this, we have unique styles. Those include Sora Kairi and Xion’s (similar to standard defense, but more mobile at the expense of form — Kairi takes after Sora but less confident, she hasn’t been hit that heavily yet), Ven’s (backhand, heavy range and mobility), Roxas’ (modified for two keyblades, but takes after Sora), and Axel’s (taught himself, comfortable with chakrams).

So! Let’s go.

.

Standard (offensive)

All styles have sub-variations, of a sense. Different wielders can choose where their keyblade points, and how they hold it exactly, based on what makes them most comfortable. Terra and Aqua point theirs downward, while Vanitas and Riku hold theirs above their head. What is recognizeable to this style is a hand for the sword, and a hand for guarding/blocking/items/magic.

It’s incredibly efficient. With only one hand on the weapon, you not only free up a hand for other things, but increase your range of movement with said weapon. Test it out yourself! The keyblade hand is always your dominant hand, held behind you for increased power when attacking (since you lose a significant amount of it by choosing not to grip with both hands). This style also decreases the speed of the defense you have, but with that increased mobility and swing power, along with a hand free to brace against the keyblade (defense strength up!), it makes up for it. Many people who use this also have strong barrier spells — both a testament to their preference for coverage and an acknowledgement that any directional block will take a little longer and be weaker if they try it with one hand.

The pointy end, though. What difference does it actually make, the height it’s at?

I think it’s half a matter of attack style preference and half intention. Riku, Vanitas, and Xehanort stab quite a bit. Aqua and Terra slice more. Not that they don’t do both, but it’s the first instinct. Aqua and Terra are also likely taught to hold their keyblade neutrally, in a safe position, until someone starts attacking. It’s polite! Eraqus also holds his one-handed, neutrally, until he gets into position. Riku and Vanitas learned to fight assuming everyone was out to fight them. Invi and Aced may like this style because of range (i hc she’s blind and strikes very very quickly, and he’s already very powerful with just the one arm and wants better motion).

and on character specifics: Terra often switches to two-handed, to copy his dad and add extra power to his hits without always sacrificing the empty hand. Vanitas likely was forced to relearn how to fight, as instead of solely being trained to be better at withstanding, he was constantly being made to better his own attacks. The moves Xehanort uses would best be replicated in the same style. Vanitas is wild for holding the massive spiky x-blade like that.

Now, what‘s good on this style does not correlate to what’s bad in the other. The two standard styles simply have different ways of dealing with each con they create or taking advantage of each pro.

(Here’s an interesting side note — Gula uses standard defensive, but in this instance, swaps. One hand… likely to display confidence! Wrong move, but hey. He got cocky. He’s also doing it wrong, and swaps back to two-handed to take Aced’s attack.)

.

Standard (defensive)

The main detriment of this style is the lack of ease of long range movement. Hold a wrapping paper tube out in front of you with both hands, then run. It goes to the side, or tucks in to your stomach, right? Dodge. Your legs will get in the way unless you know where to move that sword. It requires, interestingly, a little more discipline. You’d think Aqua would like that, but no, she wants movement and practicality, and she loves magic, and remember that you must take a hand off this style to grab a potion. You’d think young Eraqus wouldn’t, but remember that he’s a fancy royal lad.

The main draw, though, is tankiness, readiness, and power. You don’t need to move as much if nothing dares hit you! Ava and Gula might be attracted to this style because they’re not as physically strong, but want protection in close-quarters fighting. Using this style when your muscles aren’t as big but you still want to Hit Things Good, or when you want to be a boy you can’t knock over with a pail of water (horse stance rules), is probably solid advice.

Traditionally, this is a lot less like fencing, and a lot more like a samurai sword or kendo. Your blade is held in front of you, giving you very easy access to blocks and frontal attack/defense. In losing some twirly spinniness, you gain power and minimize your opponent’s ability to parry and block.

you gotta dodge master Eraqus so mcuh

All styles will swap between one and two hands for different moves. Eraqus, notably, swaps to a stance very similar to Xehanort when channeling a metric ton of magic.

Both of these styles require a degree of upper body/core strength, as does all swordfighting. I would be interested to see someone whose keyblade style relies on leg strength.

.

Sora, Xion, and Kairi

please look at the difference between the foretellers’ or eraqus’ two-handed grip and Sora’s. Do this with your shoulders and a top-heavy object.

They’re both in a hard stance, but hon. What are you, a gremlin? Anyways, a traditionally taught master would have… better form, even if it’s harder to learn at first. It’s habitual. Sora nearly crouches, and holds his keyblade back-pointed with two hands, which makes it easier for him to dodge roll, push off his feet quickly, and pull off those spinning combos he loves. It‘s really gonna hurt his muscles, in the future, though, since he’s doing a squat for like…. hours. Pulling on those shoulderblades and neck. Xion, too. Replicas had better have correct muscle dynamics. Kairi is brand new, so… maybe Aqua can teach her how to hold a sword so it doesnt hurt you.

Okay, now look at the grip itself. Held in front versus held to the side-back. They’re really attempting to combine both standard styles subconsciously, giving themselves more attack power while really wanting to keep that hard defensive parry, wanting to prevent all attacks to the front while also wanting mobility. It’s working for them really well, they fight like an anime character, and manage to get the best of both, with a minor sacrifice of length range that they don’t care about. We’re flexible and full of magic, baby! Holding the blade like this makes it pretty easy to let go with one hand without sacrificing that crouched defense position.

Now, Sora, specifically, is very adaptive. He’s had two keyblades, claws, guns, yo-yos, and a giant shield, to name a couple. He retains a bit of that alert crouch no matter where he goes, but Sora knows how he wants to attack and how to balance that with the most effective way to use his current weapon. He’s a smart kid! Sora has the most ridiculous shotlocks, which are also probably due to not always wanting to go standard for it. He also prefers to keep his focus on the enemy, which is evident in his reprisals and lack of very many effective “escape” moves.

Xion is very similar to Sora, but she does have some moves that are all movement. She switches to one handed for strikes a lot — using two for defending, one for smacking. In her data battle I’d swear some of those heavy hits are claymore-like. But anyways, since we’re magic, Xion cares not for the laws of exhaustion, and will ping about as a ball of light everywhere. Short range? Up in your business. Mid-range? In your business with one hand. Long range? Throws a boomerang. Hit her? No you dont. Ball of light. She’s above you and wants to bash your head in. (Vanitas also does this! A lot. It’s an easy way to catch someone off-guard. I’ll argue that the soras are very tough and strong, but not tanky. they want to avoid being hit a lot)

Another interesting note about Kairi. I say “unconfident” not because she doesn’t hit hard, but because her stance is also often tilted back, ready to dodge. It’s two handed, but almost all her moves are one. She does love spinning and throwing the thing! It looks like she’s been taking notes from the wielders she knows. It would be easy to teach her a standard style, I think. See here, she lets go on the strike, and by trying to do both, actually ends up with an advantage (being confusing) and disadvantage (losing both the power of two handed and versatility of one handed).

A counter to Sora and Xion is difficult to pin down. Time? Probably. Lack of heating pads. Something that takes all their attention is about the only way to get a sneak attack in, and then you have to hit hard. A counter to Kairi would be anyone who can knock her off balance. She needs a sturdier stance. .

Roxas

Roxas is interesting. He takes after Sora for the one blade. Wielding two, however, nets him a totally different way of fighting. Roxas’ clavicle muscles n… deltoids and stuff must be Ironclad. Also, two handed means you are very fast and sharp all the time. He has the advantage of standard defense (horse stance), and the advantage of offense (range of one sword, but twice).

Roxas generally attacks in two ways — simultaneous hits, and follow-up hits. Either he hits with both at once, or hits hard with the first one, and adds the second one as a bonus smack. He can attack by hitting in opposite directions with the two, like a drum, but that will be a little awkward and leave him prone to being tangled. That established, the follow-up hit method means he spins a bunch. As do we all.

Roxas gets a little complicated because we are not in the real world. We have magic and turning into light and physics that let you become a circular saw. So, typically, disadvantages would include: being unable to let go of a weapon to grab something or use an item, having just a very big silhouette to attack on, having difficulty with close-range attacks because Oathkeeper and Oblivion are kinda long, and convenience. Roxas gets to dodge #1 (keyblades can be unsummoned) and #4 (keyblades can be unsummoned). Speaking of dodging, he also gets to skirt the difficulty of dodging and rolling with two swords because he turns into a beam of light. But he can’t dodge how difficult it is to use two swords effectively — he needs to concentrate on fighting, and nothing else, or he risks messing up. He has to be very, very coordinated, and undistracted. Luckily he’s pretty good at making his opponents shut up, most of the time. Blocking is another thing — theoretically his blocks could be strong, but Roxas has no real brace: crossing your blades and taking a hefty stab might smack one of them back into your face. He mostly uses reversals and dodges, because of this.

The takeaway to this is Roxas is built for speed and power, and he is very strong. He’s a mid- to far- range fighter who if you’re not careful can snap you in half if you’re too close (be SO careful of that cross blade scissor).

A perfect counter to Roxas would be a tank that can grapple, and also be very distracting. If you can take hits, be talkative, and get close enough to stop his blades, you have a chance.

.

Ventus

This is a bizarre choice, my guy, but I get it.

Backhanded weapons are very impractical for a lot of... attacking, mainly in mid-range combat, and Ven likes to either fight very close or throw the keyblade like a boomerang (and hey, backhand gives it a good whip for throwing). His attacks aren’t meant to one hit KO, but they do come with a bit of power to them, especially on the backslash. Like holding a knife for gouging. It’s for very close defense — pretty good when Wayward Wind and Missing Ache have hooks.

Backhand also, while retaining that empty hand for potions and guarding, gives you an extreme coverage boost. By which I mean Ven’s sword hand now has a nearly 270 degree sweep of “I see you, don’t touch me”, very quickly, based on just flicking his wrist. It sacrifices a ton of strength/sturdiness, but you don’t need that if you’re dodging. You also don’t really need to block, which is slower, but relatively sturdy when Ven does it, as he blocks with mostly the chunky hilt between crossed arms. He sacrifices (again) a bit of strength for coverage — an attack would hurt his arms, not his chest, if he were hit head-on.

His attacks often have him flip the blade around in his hand, too. Quick swaps between standard moves and backhand ones. Basically, Ventus is built for moving, protecting himself, and quick attacks that wear down the enemy, not outclass it. Likely because he’s good at fighting, but everyone he’s fought hits harder than he can! It doesn’t matter how he holds it, getting hit will hurt. So he just. Doesn’t. He’s not a buff little guy — but he is a persistent one. Ven very likely made this up on his own, in Daybreak, and it was too hard to fix his whole style, but it was enough to correct most of his form so he doesn’t hurt himself too much. He is going to have to really stretch that shoulder and wrist (maybe get a brace), though. At least his neck is ok. … not sure about his knees tho dang boy that crouch

A perfect counter to Ven would be someone big and fast, who hits hard mid-range. He’s already been sparring with Terra, though, so when in doubt, try scruffing him?

.

Axel

Theres not a ton to say about him — he‘s not a swordfighter. He uses his keyblade like it’s a frisbee. Because that’s what he’s used to! His neutral is behind his back on his shoulder, which is terrible for readiness, but okay for chucking the thing. It’s good it has a sort of… ripstik like… boomerang quality.

Axel’s fighting style is completely made up, like most of the self-taught wielders’. His strengths lie in some of the benefits of standard offensive style (one-handed), and some of the same coverage stuff as Ven, having a cocked wrist most of the time so no one can sneak up around him without risking getting whacked very quickly, and having an interesting range due to the pointy end being basically on a spinny swivel wherever his hand moves. He’s not going to be good at close-range and he knows it — his attacks are mostly distance. And the guy has ZERO defense, combined with zero coverage when idle, so it’s for the better.

Distance-wise, though, he rocks. Treating the blade like it’s a flaming throwing weapon means his idle is actually great for sudden flick-tossing and attention-guiding for sneakier attacks, and his stance itself (…nonexistent) serves a different purpose: bait. Basically a big "come hit me". Fun, when you have a lot of fire magic and two friends who are beasts and love to take advantage of a distracted enemy — distance on the blade, proximity on the burning.

A perfect counter to Axel would be someone pinging around very close <—> very far and circling him incessantly. Like, data Xion could wreck him, as he has to wait for the boomerang to come back -- he no longer has two spinny wheels. Also someone with water magic.

.

SO! In conclusion! Having a teacher who teaches you correct sword usage rather than instinct may detract from overspecific styles that benefit you most but leave weak spots, but your muscles and your oversights will thank you. Everyone is glad we have the power of the Mouse and anime on our side.

Keep in mind again that I have done cursory research, and have had minimal actual sword instruction, I am not an expert and this is all for fun anyways :]

#I ran out of images which is homophobic #KH #ask #mojimallow #THANKS MOJI #If you’re wondering what the counter would be to Terra and Aqua; in terms of counters there are no counters #not style-wise anyways. That’s why they’re standard. #Terra can’t react very fast and Aqua needs more mp but that’s individual #and we are mostly talking BASE COMBAT here #of course lingering will can use keyblade transformations and there’s magic strategies — but that would make this post… much longer #brrrrrrr #kh analysis #kh meta #thanks to the handful of other people who asked me to expand on the same thing <3<3<3 #REALLY wanted to include one of Invi blocking — just go watch invi and aced fight for two standard offense #it Shows off their strengths and weaknesses #… no living adults do the two handed grip. Watch Sora and Xion’s data battle for an approximation I guess?? #you. Hey you. Look in the notes rn #metazone

[maybedefinitely404]

Day 9: Intruloceit (Pt 1)

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 9: When you write something on your own skin, it appears on your soulmate’s skin as well.

Content warnings: implied abuse (nothing graphic), self deprecation, some internalized homophobia concerning polyamory, angst. 

(Happy ending in next part)

Word count: 1.7k

Janus didn’t sleep the night before his eighteenth birthday. Instead, he sat curled up on his bed, wrapped in his blanket, watching the minutes pass in the dim light of his alarm clock. His heart pounded as it drew closer to midnight, feeling like the numbers on the display were a countdown to his death.

He didn’t have friends, and that wasn’t a topic he would ever admit to being sensitive about. Most people would spend the eve of their eighteenth birthday surrounded by their loved ones, count down the seconds until they reached the strike of midnight, and then huddle around the birthday person as they wrote a message to their soulmate for the first time. A little greeting, an introduction, something to begin the process of meeting the love of their life. In a decent amount of cases, probably half, Janus would speculate, they wouldn’t get a response until their soulmate also turned eighteen, but the first note was still a special moment; something to celebrate. He’d never been a popular person though, by any standards.  Even back in elementary school, his general dark demeanor and habitual lying kept people away from him. Sure, it would be more fun to play at recess with the other kids instead of laying in the sun and watching the clouds float by, but his defense mechanisms were not something he was going to let go of any time soon.

When his bedside display finally read 12:00, he expected to feel something. A shiver up his spine, a tingling under his skin, anything. But nothing happened, and he couldn’t tell if he was more grateful or upset. He stared down at his skin, pen held in his shaking hands, debating if he should do it. The minutes ticked by, suddenly a lot slower than when he’d been fighting for breath in anticipation and fear, and the pen continued to shake.

Downstairs, the front door slammed shut, causing Janus to flinch so hard the pen clattered to the floor. His dad wasn’t supposed to be home for a couple more days, and he could hear his mom voicing similar confusion as she made her way downstairs to greet him.

“Darrel? Did the trip end early?” He could hear the hesitation and uncertainty in her voice even from behind his closed door. His father had left with the excuse of a work trip. They both knew that wasn’t true, and both had an unspoken agreement to not say a word about it.

“What are you doing awake?” The man’s voice was gruff, sleep starved, annoyed. He clearly hadn’t intended to run into his wife, the soulmate he had stopped loving years ago.

“The headlights shone through the window, they woke me up.”

“Well, go back to bed. I don’t want to be grilled by you right now.”

“Do you want some dinner? I think there’s some leftovers in the fridge-”

“I said, go back to bed!”

“Darrel, please! You’re going to wake Janus!”

Janus shut his eyes and ears as the yelling started, abandoning the pen and what little excitement he’d had previously. Like every night, his sleep was as restless and chaotic as the day time, haunted with flashbacks and nightmares that he had no way to escape. Words hit with as much impact as fists, reminding him of how he was meant to be alone. A soulmate could never love a royal fuck up like him. His dad’s words echoed and distorted as the blows landed, shouts of unlovable and worthless setting in his mind as tombstones. Images of his parent’s failed bond rifled through his mind’s eye at record pace. Whether they were a one in a million flaw or just a cruel reminder that soulmates are never as perfect as displayed, he’d never know. All he knew is that he’d rather be alone for the rest of his life than be submitted to the fate that had befallen them, abuse and hatred but unable to leave, not with the expectations and stereotypes they lived under. ‘Soulmates were perfect, never failing, an unshatterable bond.’ Bullshit. He knew he was also subjecting his soulmate to a life alone, but his fear easily outweighed his desire to be loved, or his sense of compassion. 

He woke up the next morning with a new heaviness in his heart, glancing at the time habitually. It was ten minutes before his alarm, but the thought of going back to sleep was too daunting a quest, so he rolled off his bed and padded to the bathroom to get ready for school. It was his senior year, and no matter how much he would rather stay at home and mope in his room, zoning out as he tended to do, he needed his grades to stay decent. It was the only way he was getting out of here. Half asleep, he threw on his yellow comfort hoodie, a stark contrast to his mood. It had been a present from his mom a few years ago, given with the uncomfortable smile between two people who lived together but rarely spoke. 

He clambered down the stairs two at a time, freezing on the last step as his eye locked on the person in the kitchen. His mom sat at the table, nursing a cup of coffee silently, barely acknowledging he had entered the room. Without so much as a word, he scooted by her, eyeing the bruise forming on her left cheek and slunk out the door. They didn’t talk much anymore, why would today being his birthday change that?

The day was nothing out of the ordinary, and Janus didn’t know why that made a certain hole open up in his chest. Boring classes followed by lonely breaks, a quiet lunch hour in an abandoned classroom and an uneventful walk to the park after school. He preferred doing his homework anywhere that wasn’t home, especially now that his dad was back in town. He needed to get these done, and who knew what would pull him away from his work there. Besides, the grass was soft and the sun wasn’t too overbearingly hot, and he desperately needed a tan. The darker his skin, the more unnoticeable was the huge birthmark that covered the left side of his face, a little something that just made him that much more avoided by his peers.

His pen had barely scratched the paper when a tickle over his right arm made him gasp, like a feather ghosting over the skin. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what it was, and after a moment of adrenaline and panic, it occurred to him that no amount of putting it off would prevent the inevitable. He’d have to acknowledge his soulmate’s existence eventually. With a deep breath, he tugged the sleeve of his hoodie up, eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

From wrist to elbow on his forearm, a deep blue ink had scribbled down bullet points that he must have not noticed throughout the entire day, since there were too many for them to have happened in the last few minutes. He started at the top, eyes drifting hungrily over the writing until he reached the last note, still being finished.

Chemistry test next Friday, study cephalopods

English paper on William Shakespeare, ask Roman for advice

Talk to Patton about moving movie night to next weekend

What far away is Andromeda from earth?

Fix V’s pin 

Yell at V to stop breaking their pins

Get dad to sign detention slip

Extra credit for calculus due tomorrow

Do you want to get coffee?

Janus froze. That last one… what the hell? Sure, his brain was decently sleep deprived, but he was almost certain he hadn’t written to his soulmate last night. Except, damn, that question certainly didn’t seem to fit in with the rest of his notes; it seemed aimed at someone. Nevermind how they knew he was there, knew he had turned eighteen, they were trying to contact him, and that was more important. He picked up his discarded pen off the grass, twirling it in his fingers. What should he say? Should he even say anything? His original plan to ignore his soulmate was suddenly significantly more difficult, now that they were making the first move. They were a real person, not just a stranger, no longer a figment of his imagination twisted into something evil. 

But before he could touch the tip to his arm to respond, to maybe introduce himself or ask where they were in the world (why were they offering coffee if they’d never even established where they lived, he wondered distantly), a barrage of green script exploded under his poised pen.

YES PLEASE! I was awake all night. I just saw your notes, you want help with the cephalopods? I can quiz you, I know everything about them. And I guarantee I know just as much about ya boi Billy Shakes as Roman, and I know the FUN stuff too! Not the prissy romancey stuff. Did V tell you their pin broke because they tried to stab me with it and hit my pocket knife? Because they did. What did you get detention for this time?

Even with the small writing, Janus had to rotate his arm to follow the messy scratching as the… new person continued to rant about their day. He sat in shock, not able to process what was happening. This had to be a mistake, right? It was astronomically rare to have more than one soulmate, and there was no way he was one of those people. He had never been special before in his life, in either a good way or a bad, so he in no way was deserving of… this. Maybe this was a mistake after all, just like his parents. Another cosmic fuck up, where he’d have to live out the rest of his life, watching the two people fall more and more in love while he looked on like a creep. Isn’t that what he deserved, though? The two other people obviously knew each other; two soulmates who must have turned eighteen before him and met a while ago, if their casual interaction was anything to go by. And… he couldn’t intrude on that. Even if he did, if he popped up out of nowhere like a bad cold, they wouldn’t want him to join their pre-established relationship already. They probably weren’t even polyamorous, and the whole idea would just make them uncomfortable. 

His mind was too far gone for homework. So with a lump in his throat the size of a meteor and tears stinging the corner of his eyes, he capped the pen, rolled down his sleeve resolutely, and packed up his supplies. Anything his dad would do to him would surely hurt less than this. 

#lywrites #tsshipmonth2020 #sanders sides #intruloceit #janus sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides fanfiction #ts soulmate au #soulmate september #soulmateseptember

[weasleydream]

Operation swan song

Here is my participation for @hp-imagines-07​ writing challenge! Once again congrats love 💜  My prompts were “I don’t care!” “But I do!” and “Is it that bad?” “Yes.” (I’ve taken a bit of liberty and changed them a bit but they are still here... for the little story I had completely forgotten them and I had to put them at the last moment) 

TW: mention of torture 

As usual feel free to like, comment, reblog and enjoy!

(Also I’ve recently reached the 500 followers and I’ve organized a writing challenge that you can find here! Plz don’t let it flop 😂 )

Masterlist 

(gif not mine) 

Everyone is different, everyone acts different. Some people cry while some others laugh, some run while others walk. Some use their head while others use their fists. I liked to think I was the kind of person that was like Remus when I was the complete opposite. He was the head and I was the fists. I was as reckless as Sirius and as impulsive as James, but with a heart as big as Remus’ and a love and an admiration for my friends as unconditional as Peter’s. The only priority I had ever had was to make sure this little group I called my family was safe, whether it was from Filch or a Death Eater. You attacked them, you attacked me; that was something I had made clear since the end of the first period of our first year at Hogwarts. Maybe I wasn’t very convincing at the time - James still used to laugh when remembering the time I had threatened a fourth year who had made fun of Remus, only because with one push from the boy I had ended on the floor - but I had never been afraid to defend them and they had never been afraid to defend me. 

And now that school was definitely over for us, now that we were adults, now that James and Lily were going to be parents, the mission I had decided to complete had taken more sense than ever. In my mind, if someone had to take all the responsibilities for James, Lily and the baby they were awaiting, for Remus, Sirius and Peter, then I would do it without hesitation. I would give my life for all of them, as much as I knew they would do the same for me. And now that the war was here, now that the prophecy had designated James, Lily and the baby as targets for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I felt more than ever the need to make sure they were safe. Everyone knew this, everyone including Albus Dumbledore. 

_ _ _ 

“Professor Dumbledore, as much as I’m happy to be back here, I believe you didn’t ask me to come only to propose to me some acid pops, am I right?” 

Dumbledore folded his hands on the parchment that was spread out on the desk. His blue eyes were fixing a point on the paper, and he fixed the spot a few seconds before clearing his throat and eventually looking at me. 

“You’re right, miss Y/L/N. It is for a way more grave matter that you’re here today. You probably know the Order is in a delicate position.”

“A delicate position? With all due respect, we’re being killed one by one. I don’t call this a delicate position, I call this being near from the end.”

Dumbledore sighed, a sadness all but habitual emanating from him. 

“I know that, miss Y/L/N, and I believe you would do anything to prevent the Order from reaching its end, right?” I stayed silent, because we both knew the answer and I was beginning to understand where the conversation was going. “You want to protect your friends and their family, right?”

“What if you got to the point?” 

“I need to stay one step ahead of Voldemort, and I need you to help me with that.”

“How- what- how could I help with that?” I stuttered, truly taken aback with what Dumbledore was implying. “Don’t tell me- do you want me to infiltrate the enemies’ camp?”

“That is not exactly what I want. I need you to spy on them, they must not know about you.” 

Dumbledore’s piercing blue eyes were almost burning holes in my forehead as I was looking down, trying to process all that it meant. I had the unpleasant sensation that every word had been carefully chosen and that the old man knew that by insisting on my devotion for my friends, he would ensure that my answer would be positive. But spying on the Death Eaters? Even for me, it was a lot. More than a dangerous move, it was a suicidal mission, and if the thought of dying to protect baby Potter wasn’t scaring me that much, thinking that I would have to leave my friends and more especially Remus was making my heart ache painfully. 

“Is that your plan?” I whispered. “The only thing you’ve come up with to save us all?”

“Who said it is my only idea? And this is not a plan, miss Y/L/N, only a proposition. You don’t have any obligation.” His eyes still on me, Dumbledore slowly raised his hands to fold them underneath his chin. Somewhere behind him, his phoenix moved.

“A plan, a proposition, I don’t care what we call this. You need someone to send among the enemies and you want me to do it, that’s the same thing.” 

“Will you do this, yes or no?”

“Of course I’ll do it.” I muttered before leaving the office with the sensation I had just been manipulated.

It was late at night and the corridors of the school were empty. There were probably a few students out of their dorm - Merlin knew only a few years ago I was part of them - but I didn’t see anyone, and I took the occasion to wander in this familiar place. I stopped in front of a window on the second floor that was overlooking the entrance courtyard. A girl and a boy were sitting next to each other on a bench. They looked like they were looking at the stars. Suddenly, the boy got up and grabbed the girl’s hand and they began to dance to an unheard music, maybe the music of their hearts, I thought bitterly as I looked away. 

Maybe it was the weight of the upcoming mission that would very probably kill me, maybe I was just being sensitive because I was alone in the dark, but I was regretting the days I would be in this girl’s shoes and Remus would be in the boy’s. How many nights had we spent here, on that same bench, looking at the same stars? Our thing wasn’t to dance but to share stories, legends or gossip. We would stay here for hours, only coming back to the dorm when the sky took a delicate orange shade. And we would never talk about these nights, greeting the other in the morning in the same way we did with our friends, we would avoid questions and the other’s eyes for the day before doing exactly the same a few days later. 

I had always thought I would have a lifetime to figure out what my feelings for him were, but only now did I realize my lifetime was desperately short. 

_ _ _

Lily opened the door carefully before smiling broadly. 

“Y/N! I didn’t know you were coming!”

She stepped aside to let me in. As soon as the door was closed, she threw her arms around me. When she let go of me, my eyes fell on her barely visible bump and a whiff of courage invaded me. 

“How is the baby?” I asked. 

Lily’s eyes brightened and she began to babble on about how she wasn’t sick anymore, how James was adorable with her (“But still an idiot.” she stated with a little smirk), and how cute was that little stuffed stag she had found. We were now sitting in the small kitchen, the both of us holding a welcomed cup of tea. We were in January, the air was freezing, the sky was always so dark yet Lily and James’ little house was still so warm it made you feel like home. To be fair, it felt like it was also ours as Sirius, Remus and I used to spend a lot of time here. Peter was a bit less with us, he was working on a personal project which, in my opinion, had something to do with the Order. He seemed more invested than before, and we were all glad to see he had finally been able to fight his fear. 

“Y/N, listen, I didn’t want to tell you but… The boys are worried about you, and I am too. We all agree on the fact that you’ve acted strange last week and- well, you know you can tell us everything, right?”

Lily’s eyes were so full of worry that I felt guilty for making her feel such a negative emotion. 

“Lily, don’t make a big deal out of it, it’s no good for the baby. I swear everything is okay.” I smiled, an expression that looked everything but convincing, which I realized as soon as Lily frowned. 

“Now I know something is definitely wrong.”

“No, really, I told you-”

“Hello there!”

James entered the kitchen, his smile widening when his eyes caught mine. 

“Hey Y/N/N, I didn’t know you were coming!”

I smiled broadly and got up before wrapping my arms around him. When he joined Lily to kiss her, Sirius and Remus appeared at the door, the both of them greeting me in the same way James had done. When Remus’ hands touched my back, the memory of us on this courtyard came back and I shivered. Quickly stepping back, I pretended to be cold and ended up in Remus’ sweater. James had insisted for Lily to stay with us in the living room and had brought more tea, and now we were all squeezed on the two couches, sharing not really pleasant news. 

“Lily, Y/N, did you know about the rumour that’s going about the Order?” suddenly asked Sirius. 

James looked up, and I felt Remus tensing next to me. 

“What rumour?” asked Lily, genuinely confused as to why the three boys looked so grave. 

“It says that Dumbledore would have given a suicidal mission to a member of the Order.” declared James. “As it seems, it would be a spying mission. Not even undercover.”

“I don’t know who has agreed to do this, but they must be crazy.” muttered Sirius. “There’s no way they are coming back.”

“For me, things are different now,” said James while placing his hands on Lily’s little bump, “but even a few months ago I wouldn’t have done something like this.”

“But why not undercover?” asked Lily. “I mean we already have a few members infiltrated, but why not another?”

“I guess that’s because the infiltrated members of the Order aren’t close enough to You-Know-Who.” Remus spoke up. He was frowning and absent-mindedly playing with the end of his shirt’s sleeve. “A spy would be able to hear the most confidential things. If they aren’t killed before, of course.”

I shifted uncomfortably. Of course they were talking about me without knowing it, but the way they were bringing this up was making me realize how insane I had been to accept this. But the worst was that seeing Lily in such a state of worry without knowing for who she was scared, hearing Sirius mumbling that the poor guy would be a hero, yes, but a dead one and James adding he wouldn’t like to be in their shoes, seeing Remus sighing and closing his eyes as if he was already mourning, all of this made me wonder how they would react. 

“Y/N, are you feeling well?”

Sirius’ voice almost made me jump, and I realized all of my friends were now looking at me. I felt my blood becoming ice in my veins while my heart was beating way quicker than it should. 

“Yes- yes, don’t worry.” 

My shaky voice didn’t convince anyone, of course it didn’t, and it only made them suspicious. 

“Y/N,” began slowly Remus, his eyes not leaving mine, “would you happen to know who is going on that mission?”

As soon as the last word left his mouth, I saw in Remus’ eyes that himself had read the answer in mine. His expression didn’t change, but his eyes, usually so clear, were darkening more and more as the realization of what it meant was sinking into him. 

“Y/N?” asked Lily, her voice sounding so far from me I almost missed it. 

“I am. I am going on that mission.” 

The heaviest silence I had ever heard took place, and it stayed here for so long that I began to wonder if I had turned deaf. I was now looking down, I didn’t want to bear Remus’ gaze nor did I want to know how the others were reacting. After what felt like hours, a sob crashed the silence and Lily left her place to throw herself on me. Her tears were soaking my sweater and her hands clenching its back. 

“You can’t do that!” she cried out. “You’ll be killed! You can’t!”

Her hair was all over my face and I couldn’t see the boys, but I had felt Remus leaving the couch. 

“Why the hell did you do that?” exploded Sirius. 

Lily jumped and James put his hands on her shoulders before pulling her in a comforting embrace. If his face was closed, Sirius’ was expressing so many things at the same time that I couldn’t put my finger on what he was really thinking. Anger, fear, disbelief? If he was probably feeling all of this, all I could see was that he was furious. 

“Are you crazy? Y/N, you will be killed! Killed, you get that? Did you even think about it?”

His voice thundered, making me feel the urge to disappear. 

“Sirius-”

“I knew you were ready to do anything to end this fucking war but this? You’ll never get out of this!”

“I don’t care that much!”

“But I do!”

“Sirius, please-”

“We go to Hogwarts, now. I need a word or two with-”

“I did it for you! Is it that bad?”

Obviously none of them were ready to hear this. Lily stopped crying after something that sounded like a squeal and Sirius stopped dead in his track, his hands having almost reached his jacket. The both of them along with James were looking at me with round eyes, and only at this moment did I realize the door was open and Remus wasn’t here anymore. 

“What the hell does that mean?” murmured James. “Yes it is that bad! We don’t-”

“The Order is losing, James!” I exclaimed, desperate to prove my point. “We need more informations, Remus was right, infiltration isn’t enough!”

“But why you? Y/N, the Order has members stronger than you, trained Aurors! Why did Dumbledore ask you to sacrifice yourself?” 

“Stop talking like I was already dead. Can’t you consider the fact that maybe I’ll get out of this alive?”

In fact, I wasn’t considering it either. I just didn’t want to admit that if Dumbledore had asked me, it was because he knew I would be easy to manipulate. Suddenly realizing I was standing in the middle of the living-room, I sunk back on the couch and put my hands on my face. 

“Listen…” I began, my voice trembling. “You know as well as I do that we’re losing. James, Lily, you are threatened! I can’t let anything happen to you or your baby, not now that you’re reaching the happiness you’ve always wanted. And the both of you, this little baby, Sirius, Remus and Peter, you are my family, I love you all so much and- and I can’t let anything harm my family.”

I looked up to see that Lily had tears streaming down her face. I smiled at her, a very little smile that broke my heart as much as it seemed to break hers. 

“I’m sorry Lily, really.”

“I know.” she nodded quickly before wiping her tears away. “You should go and see Remus.”

With the feeling that my knees were going to give up on me, I got up and crossed the living room under the weight of my friends’ eyes. I pushed the door that was already half open and stepped outside, the freezing air making me almost gasp as I looked for Remus. 

“Remus?”

My eyes weren’t tricking me… Remus was nowhere to be seen. 

“Remus!” I screamed. 

Sirius stormed out, closely followed by James and Lily. 

“Where is he? Where did he go?” I cried out, completely panicked as the worst scenarios were playing in my head. 

“Calm down Y/N/N, I’m sure he’s okay.” said James. 

He nodded toward Sirius who disappeared without a word in a soft pop that disturbed the silence of the night. 

“Come on Y/N, let’s get inside before we freeze on the spot.” murmured Lily, both her hands on my shoulders. 

I sighed to give myself an impression of composure and nodded, following the couple inside. My thoughts were all about Remus. What the hell was he doing? And what the hell was he thinking? James and Lily made a point of making me stop thinking about him and asked me about my meeting with Dumbledore. 

“He knows how to do, this old bastard.” muttered James. “I can’t believe you fell for this.”

“I know…” I sighed. “I know but he isn’t completely wrong either. Maybe I’ll be able to catch the information that will save us all.” I added with a bitter chuckle. 

The door opened suddenly, and Sirius’ silhouette appeared. As it seemed he was alone, and he cut our questions short by lifting his hand. 

“He’s outside.”

I immediately got up and stormed out of the house. Remus was sitting on the low wall at the end of the garden, giving his back to me. I slowly approached, my feet making the snow screech and my breath forming a small cloud in front of my face. My eyes were humid and at this point, I didn’t know if it was really because of the cold. However, I saw Remus’ hand moving and patting the wall next to him after a short hesitation. I joined him and we sat in silence. An air stream colder than the others made me shiver. 

“Are you still cold?” asked Remus with a quiet voice. 

I nodded and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. 

“Come here.”

I moved closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder, already feeling his warmth radiating between us. The time seemed to have stopped, it was just the both of us and the snow. My mind was haunted by so many thoughts I couldn’t think straight, and all I was conscious of was Remus’ presence next to me. 

“What did I do to end up with such foolish friends?” he finally asked quietly. 

“We aren’t foolish,” I murmured, not wanting to break the little world around us. “We just love each other.”

“So that’s why you accepted? Because you love us?”

I lifted my head and met Remus’ eyes. They were full of pain and of worry, and how I hated seeing those eyes! I looked away, unable to face what I was imposing him. 

“Y/N, please, look at me.”

His hand found my chin and I faced him again. 

“You are my family.” I whispered, and as a single tear was rolling down my cheek, I leaned in his touch. “I love you all too much to let anything happen to you. I- Remus, I love you.”

Remus smiled, a tiny smile that made my heart flutter. I was feeling like a teenager who is breathless because she’s madly in love with a boy. 

“I’ve been to Hogwarts.” he suddenly muttered. “I wanted to make Dumbledore change his mind, but this- well, he refused.”

“I won’t change my mind either.”

Remus grabbed my hand and kept his head down, his eyes locked on our hands. 

“I know that. I just… I don’t know. I asked him to let me go with you-”

“You what?” I exclaimed, my heart suddenly racing in my ribcage. “No! Remus, no! I won’t let you! If I have to tie you myself-”

“He refused.” 

It was a simple statement, but I sighed and closed my eyes, relieved. Another silence took place only to be disturbed by a rumbling coming from the depths of my stomach and a chuckle coming from Remus’ mouth. 

“We should get inside and give you something to eat.”

I precipitately jumped off the wall and rushed toward the door, extremely ashamed as I had just realized I had confessed my feelings and Remus had just ignored them. 

“Hey, Y/N!”

He grabbed my wrist, pulled me against him and crashed his lips on mine. 

“I love you too.” he whispered against my mouth, and at the moment I was so happy I forgot every kind of threat. 

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

To say the last three days had been weird would be an understatement. Lily had insisted that I shouldn’t stay at my place and Sirius, Remus and I had ended up staying at the Potter’s. We still hadn’t any new of Peter which, more than worrying me, was also saddening me. The atmosphere was tense, it felt like all of us, me included, were already mourning my death. Of course, it wasn’t my friends’ intention, they had done everything to hide their worry, each in their own way. Lily, who had never really been able to cook, had made the most delicious plates I had ever eaten, even better than James’ mother’s, which I had had the chance to try a few years ago. James and Sirius had spent their time looking for informations in files stolen from the Order which had resulted in them not saying anything for hours before resuming their discoveries during the meals. Remus had shared his time between helping them and staying with me, holding my hand or chatting about anything not Order-related. 

We had also received Dumbledore’s visit, who had given me all the instruction for my mission. Except the fact that he was there for what would probably kill me, it was quite funny to see the almost exaggerated glares he had received from everyone, but especially from Sirius and Remus. 

And now, here I was, standing in the living-room, a backpack at my feet and holding back my tears as I was ready to leave. Remus was waiting outside but the others were here, and the first one to come to me - or jump in my arms - was Lily. She tightened me against her and was trying her best to contain her sobs. 

“Promise you’ll do everything to come back, Y/N, do you promise?”

“Of course Lily. I’ll try, I swear I’ll try.”

She nodded and stepped back, sniffling. James nodded toward me before looking away, trying to hide his fear and sadness. Far from being offended, I nodded back. 

“I count on you to take care of them Prongs, yeah?”

He nodded again. 

“Only if you take care of yourself.”

It was my turn to nod.

I had thought Sirius would have the same reaction as James but he proved me wrong when he pulled me in a strong embrace, a bone-crushing hug we had never shared before. 

“You better come back.” he muttered, his voice muffled by my hair. “There will be no place for mistakes. We can’t lose you.” he added in such a small voice that it broke my heart. 

The lump in my throat prevented me from saying anything but we didn’t even need words. At the moment, I could feel their love for me, and I knew deep down that I couldn’t give up on this. I knew I would come back because we still had so much to live all together… 

A whole new courage flooded in my veins and I smiled at them before grabbing my bag and getting out. Remus was sitting on the same wall as the last time and I joined him. This time, he lost no time and pulled me against him. 

“I suppose they have already told you you better come back?”

“It was pretty clear.” I let out a watery chuckle. 

“So I’ll just tell you I love you.”

Remus rested his forehead against mine and we both closed our eyes, enjoying this proximity. Then we shared a passionate kiss, a kiss that held so many emotions it was overwhelming. It was a kiss that meant I love you, I’m scared and See you soon. It was a kiss that meant Goodbye but also a kiss that meant Hello because at this very moment, I felt like I was re-discovering Remus, as if I was seeing and feeling a whole new part of him, and I knew he was feeling the same. 

“Useless to say I don’t want you out of here, right?” I murmured against Remus’ lips. 

“It would put you in danger. No, I’ll stay here, but know that everyday my eyes won’t leave the door. I’ll be waiting for you.”

I grabbed my bag which I had left on the floor and sighed. 

“Guess this is it…” I said. “Time to go.”

“Y/N, please, make sure this is not your swan song.”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

It wasn’t my first mission for the Order. I had already fought against so many Death Eaters I had lost count, and I had two infiltration missions under my belt. But I had never been that close to him, to the wizard that was killing my friends one by one and threatening my family. And never in my life had I even suspected such an army. The enemies were everywhere, they were young or old, men or women. Everytime I turned my head, I saw new faces, new enemies, and it was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. Yet I was doing quite well; in fact I had barely been spotted and the few Death Eaters that had found out about me were now dead. For three months, I had managed to stay alive. However, the more the weeks passed, the more I had wondered if that was worth it. I hadn’t heard anything, absolutely anything that an infiltrated member of the Order wouldn’t have heard. 

I knew they were suspicious, all of them knew they were spied on and that was probably why they were being extremely careful when they talked. That’s why, after three months, I began considering the idea that I could try and get in one of their reunion places. However, I had made a promise to Remus, to Sirius, James and Lily, and I wanted to do my best to keep it. I didn’t want to put my life in danger more than necessary and it felt like a suicide to try such a thing. 

What decided me was a conversation that I overheard between two Death Eaters one night, at the corner of a street in the heart of London. 

“-in Malfoy’s manor tomorrow.” said the first. “As it seems, it’s pretty important.”

“More important than interrogating the Auror we’ve had last week?” asked the second. “What can be more important than that?”

“I’ve heard it’s the prophecy.” My heart almost stopped beating. As far as I knew, there was only one prophecy that could interest Voldemort. “The Dark Lord wants to decide on a plan to eradicate this threat.”

Then the Death Eaters disappeared, leaving me trembling in the street. A plan. To eradicate a threat. Which happened to be James and Lily’s baby. There was no way I would let that happen. I had now two choices: going back to Godric’s Hollow and warn them but miss the plan, or staying here and listening to what would be said. Apparating was too dangerous, anyone could follow me and that would threaten my friends. Suddenly, I realized that after all the time that had passed, Lily’s bump was bigger by now, and imagining her taking care of her child, James always fussing over her, Remus and Sirius and maybe even Peter with them made me take my decision. 

_ _ _ 

I thought the plan was good. Not perfect, obviously, but good enough so that it wouldn’t end up with me being killed. Now, after having dodged dozens of green flashes of light blasting toward me, I was forced to admit that I had screwed up. 

I was hiding behind a statue in the corridor, trying to catch my breath as the Death Eaters were getting closer and closer. 

“Find her! She’s Dumbledore's spy, I want her alive!”

Voldemort’s voice thundered and the screams in the manor doubled in intensity. Apparating was impossible and I had to reach the front door to try and maybe - just maybe - hide long enough to leave this hell. 

Suddenly, and that caught me completely off guards, my wand escaped the grip of my hand. I gasped, slowly realizing what it meant, and turned my head only to gasp once more, this time because I couldn’t believe it. 

“Peter?” I whimpered. 

Peter was here, in front of me, one of his hands holding my wand and his own wand pointed on me. 

“You shouldn’t be here!” he squealed before looking above his shoulder, obviously terrified. 

“You- you- Peter, we thought you were- I don’t understand…” I stuttered, unable to process that he was a traitor. 

“Y/N, what are you doing here? You’re complicating everything!” he lamented. 

Then I understood and I felt the urge to strangle him, to kill him because he had betrayed us, his friends. I was going to jump toward him when I felt a burning sensation in my back and everything became black. 

 _ _ _ 

“Crucio.”

The first thing I felt when gaining back consciousness was agony. It wasn’t even pain anymore, it was a fire in every bone of my body, magma flooding in my veins. It was the urge to rip my skin off and to end it as soon as possible. It was torture. 

“Will you tell us who you are?”

I didn’t answer, and the agony came back. 

“Are you from the Order?”

No answer. Agony. 

“Did Dumbledore send you?”

Nothing. Agony. 

“What informations have you already transmitted?”

Agony. 

“Do you know the Potters?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Agony. 

“Where are they hiding?”

Agony. 

“How did you get in the manor?”

Agony. 

“Y/N, I’m going to help you.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Peter didn’t listen. I didn’t know what was happening. No one was here except us. He did something and suddenly the ropes around me were on the floor. He tried to grab my arm and I shifted. I fell on the floor. 

“Don’t touch me- you traitor, don’t-” I hissed. 

Peter ignored me. He half carried me. We arrived outside and it was dark. Then the world became black and coloured again and we weren’t in front of the manor anymore. 

“I’m sorry Y/N.”

One last world I didn’t understand, then black.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The old man’s eyes were sad, their usually piercing blue was now shining with contained tears. The young woman in front of him wasn’t containing her tears. She was sobbing in the arms of her husband who was trembling. Then the two other men. One of them fell on his knees, his hands in his hair as if he wanted to yank them out. “Y/N, please, make sure this is not your swan song.” he had said. The other was frozen, his fists so tight his knuckles were white. 

The old man left. A few seconds of shock, then the four of them disappeared. 

Remus couldn’t care less if a muggle saw him. He crossed the barrier and arrived in the hall of St-Mungo’s. Not bothering to ask where she was, he rushed in the stairs and gained her level. 

“Where is she? Y/N? Y/N, where are you?” he screamed. 

Three nurses arrived, begging him to calm down. Remus ignored them and asked where she was. Once, twice. The nurses eventually gave up and indicated a room. 

Sirius was just behind him, James and Lily were still in the stairs, but Remus didn’t care. He had to make sure- he had to see her. This couldn’t be true, obviously Dumbledore was wrong… 

She was sitting on her bed. Her skin was almost as white as the sheets, except for the scars and bruises that seemed to cover her body. When Remus slammed the door open, her head snapped toward him and she smiled brightly, a beautiful smile Remus hadn’t seen in years. 

“Hello!” she said. “Who are you? I was thinking about the swans’ songs. Beautiful, don’t you think?”

Remus’ heart stopped beating, and his world crashed at his feet. 

Dumbledore was right. 

Y/N had lost her memory, and he had lost her. 

#Harry Potter #harry potter imagine #harry potter imagines #Remus Lupin #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin x you #remus lupin x yn #remus lupin imagine #angst #marauder era #marauders imagine

[dreamyaqua]

Helloooo~!! I'm the same person who talked about Hyunjae and Haknyeon's rising signs! When I first wrote it, I wasn't deep into astrology yet. I've researched and tried to learn more about the Greek gods, the mythology, planets and associations to better my understanding. So, this time, I present all 23 members of NCT. To form an opinion on this, I watched their personal variety on their YT channel, took note of their physical habits and appearance, and read first impression stories. (1)

Also, don't worry about answering this right away! I just got very excited and wanted to share this :DD we currently have 5 members with confirmed risings; Johnny, Taeyong, Kun, Doyoung and Jaehyun. That's 18 members left, still! Also, I relied much more on their first impressions of each other as well as their appearance, habits and their neutral face because idols put up an act, which is enforced by their company. I'm running out of words so– (2)

(I decided to put the rest under a cut as the ask has gotten really long and I also put your asks together in regards to each member, I hope that’s okay!^^)

First up, Taeil! My first guesses for him were Scorpio (ruled out immediately lol), Capricorn and Taurus. I went with Capricorn at the end. Taeil just has a home-y, fatherly aura which Earth signs have. According to the members, he has that strong vibe that makes you want to learn from him. And we know that Capricorn is ruled by law and structure loving planet, Saturn. Saturn is associated with Cronus and Hestia. (3) Hestia is peace and home while Cronus was briefly the ruler of all. So, in short, a parent. Taeil as NCT's grandpa is accepted by many czennies. Which fits well. A typical Capricorn rising could have a petite stature as well as a wide-ish body type. Earth risings do tend to be stocky. Lips are usually either thin and wide or round but when they smile it's bright and feels familiar. It all starts from home~ Next up, Yuta! (4)

Yuta? Scorpio rising. I did try to see if he fits anywhere else but landed right back to Scorpio. One main reason, when he smiles, it's real. His healing and genuine smile is definitely a Scorpio rising trait. He's also pretty quiet in general but can get wild *insert clip of Yuta and Taeyong's chair race* and maybe even stir things up. Scorpio is associated with, Hades. Hades is generally a warm soul unlike his gruesome depictions. He's just a peaceful yet lonely guy. When he loves he LOVES (5) Traits seen in our double Scorpio royalty, Yuta. Winwin, Mark, Shotaro and Jungwoo is his Kore and Cerberus (you decide who's who). 

Easy tackle, now we've got Ten! Your local cat mom. As I say that, I guess Leo. Leo risings have feline features and traits, which Ten definitely has. When you watch his relay cam, his day's pretty chill and made more fun by his cats. They're just positive morning people and Ten really has that effect. Leo is associated with Apollo and Heracles (and more). (6) Apollo's a talented man (if you read Lore Olympus, I just hope you don't associate those characters with the actual deities) and so is Heracles. What do they have in common with Ten? Well, both Apollo and Ten are artistic, gifted with languages, and talented in music. With Heracles? Well, we know he's a hero, an ace. Leo is also the sun. The core of our system. We can definitely agree on Ten being NCT's talented ace, which all supports my guess of him as a Leo rising. Next, Winwin.

My first guesses for Winwin were either an Aries or Leo rising. Though, at the end, I settled for Aries. The entirety of NCT is in love (obviously, exaggerated) with Winwin, and fire signs naturally have that magnetism. Aries rules the head area, and one frequent habit of Winwin's is scratching his head. He also tends to put his head forward (called a nerd neck, due to book reading) which is typical of an Aries rising. He also appeals with his eyes when he wants something, also very Aries. Winwin as an Aries rising just feels true and self-explanatory. 

Next on our list is Jungwoo. A total Slytherin. Be a fool and fall for them, I dare you–oh never mind, you already have. Safe to say that Jungwoo is a Libra rising. Libra is Aphrodite afterthewholebeingbornoutofcastratedtesticlesthenformedfromseafoamshenanigans. We all know that Librans are pretty people. So pretty it's sickening, I'm getting too personal now. BACK ON TOPIC. I also had the thought of him being a Leo– I mean, if you've seen NCT World, Jungwoo definitely shone. Leos and Libras are similar in my opinion so it could be why I'm so unsure about it. Not many know but Aphrodite is a war goddess. Her role is very watered down, maybe because war was just not sexy to the Ancient Greeks. Still, Aphrodite conquered hearts, and Jungwoo has that main stage. Life is like a runway, especially with the way he walks. He also loves connections and making people laugh, both an Aphrodite and Apollo trait. Reason why I settled for Libra is that the first impressions of Jungwoo is that he looks serious, radiated sophistication but also wild. Aphrodite, being a magnetic and adventurous (iykwim) mad lad, has a definite influence on Jungwoo.

The next member is Lucas (12 more to go!). Lucas tries his best to make people happy. He loves seeing people be happy. And seeing how he says sorry when things don't seem to be exciting or done his usual way, I'm convinced he's a Libra rising.

I've written notes down but I have school so I'll complete this after LMAO

Back (new classes today so I'm hnghh). Okay, Mark! I believe he's where I left off. Mark is an Aries rising opinion. Also, while trying to hunt for their birth times, I stumbled upon someone saying Mark's birth time is 10:34pm. I tried it and it was Aries rising! Some habits that Mark does that's total Aries; touchy, laughs a lot, swears more than most, loud personality. He also has the Aries t-zone. His lovely gullbrows~

Next, Xiaojun. I was honestly stuck on him until I watched a fancam of him walking to the airport. His steps seem very grounded. Possibly, Taurus. I also thought he was a Scorpio and Leo but with the way Xiaojun gets defensive doesn't feel very water or fire (Aries is an exception). Xiaojun also enjoys food and cooking. He finds comfort in work, likes the easy way better, he's also quite practical. He's also hardworking. Probably either finishes homework the day it gets handed or when he's stressed. No in between. (I erased everything, I wrote by accident...) 

Hendery has the Air sign look and also the Earth sign vibe but in the end, I settled for Sagittarius. Why? Well, Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter (Zeus) and we all know that Zeus can get impulsive. Hendery seems to be so. Sag is also associated Dionysus, the stereotypical wild "people love people" drunk. Which Hendery also seems to be so. That's all for him. Next up Renjun.

Renjun has a habit of scratching or just touching his ear and head, his fight instinct is on 24/7, gets frustrated when something doesn't go right, very attentive when people tell stories, uses his whole body when laughs (stomping, throwing his neck back like it don't break). I guess he's either a Gemini, Pisces or Aries. The easily bored so they make chaos but also is helpful when needed trio, Hermes, Poseidon and Ares. Renjun just has a distinct style I can't pinpoint. No solid guess.

Dream's papa, Jeno. I believe he's a Capricorn rising. He just has that long faced, big nosed and intense eyes that Capricorn risings, from what I've observed, tend to have. I've also took up Libra and Taurus as other options but I went with Cap. Even if his go-to noises is confusion. I probably don't make 100% sense but I hope it's good enough. Anyway, Jeno has a potential to become a leader and Caps are great leaders. Not perfect but great. He also has some competitiveness in him.

7 more left! Haechan's turn! Haechan really does twist and turn people's heads. He could be a Gemini rising, mostly because he uses his hands whenever he talks, laughs, sing. He's also a trickster. Maybe Scorpio since he has that rbf and the presence that makes you quiver when you meet him in person. Another possibility is Aries, he's wild, impatient and banter skills are top notch. His silhouette either looks Arian or Scorpian. Face, Geminian or Arian. What do you think? 

Next, Na Jaemin. Virgo rising. Jaemin knows how to smile, like he knows how to attract people with it, and we all know his smile is beautiful. He also has that motherly attitude towards his friends. A total introvert as well and is just calm (but can get naggy and fastidious). CEO at eye rolling, even if habitual and unintentional. GenZ Artemis. 

Next, Yangyang. I'm dead sure on him being a Cancer. The way he walks is so baby? and my Cancer rising friends tend to do little skips and sometimes waddle. Whenever an opportunity arises, he takes it. He also enjoys comfort. These may be Taurus rising traits as well (they're similar in many ways) but when I watched ETC, Yangyang seems to have a protective side. A clingy side. So, I went with Cancer. 

Shotaro is next! Always smiling, gentle voice, admires people and loves fun. Libra. A possibility is Aries. This is based on appearance. Arians tend to have weak chins (chins that don't stick out). He also has the "always look forward to tomorrow" vibe.

I-I don't remember who's next...

I suddenly forgot what I wrote before this. I should've planned this. SUNGCHAN. My Virgo buddy. When I first saw him his vibe screamed Virgo, he just had that short face Virgos tend to have. It's a mutable sign so it tends to get overpowered but every virgo I know has a short face despite being different ascendants. I was struggling figuring him out but I decided on Pisces. I'll be taking a stretch here. So descendant is how a person views the world. His being Virgo. Sungchan seems to look at the world as structured so he could feel the want to rebel. He seems to enjoy chaos but probably helps mediate the situation for the sake of doing so. My thoughts are slowly getting tangled.

CHENLE. Chenle's a virgo rising and mostly because his rbf is piercing. He always looks like he's observing and silently judging people. It makes more sense for him to be a Scorpio as well. Yes, he's bright and fun but Scorpios do have that side. Just more serious and a lot of roasting.

FINALLY THE MAKNAE. Jisung Park. Libra rising. He just likes peace but when he's chaotic, he'd want you to match his vibe. A balance, in a way. He also seems to get frustrated/stressed easily, gullible, awkward hands, and he's always quite pretty. Calming to look at. That's all. What do you think their signs are? I want hear your opinion :DD Also, I hope your exams went well!! You probably put in your 100% best so of course it did!!

//

First of all, thank you so much for your support! My exams actually went well and I’m so relieved I got it all over with for this semester.^^ And now, as you’ve already noticed in an ask I’ve answered earlier, I don’t cover NCT on this blog and therefore, I haven’t really given their rising signs much thought so far, so I’m not going to really have an opinion myself but I wanted to thank you so much for your hard work with all of this and for sharing it with us!! It was super interesting to read and I can only say that I think all of guesses make sense to me.

As a Leo rising myself, I felt super flattered while reading Ten’s paragraph - I’d feel super honoured to share my rising sign with him and I also feel like his energy is familiar to me, so I could totally believe that to be true!^^ And also, omg, I’d love for Yangyang to be a Cancer rising! I seem to attract Cancer risings left and right and he’s recently become one of my ults, so that would be great :’) (I’ll definitely start to analyze him more in the near future haha)

Oh, oh!! Btw, my close friend @jacksvnshine made a very in-depth analysis of Mark’s possible rising sign and she guessed him to be an Aries rising like you did! She’s so amazing at what she does and if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t know a thing about astrology. So I can highly recommend checking out her blog and I also really want to link her analysis for you here as you might find it interesting to read, and it’s exceptionally well made!^-^

I’m sorry that I can’t really give you my opinion on their rising signs, I haven’t studied them enough in that sense :( and I personally struggle with rising sign guesses because I always feel like I don’t know enough to make an “accurate” guess but oh well- a guess is a guess, we can never know for sure but my mind doesn’t really want to accept that. :’)

I truly enjoyed reading through your messages and guesses, thank you again for sharing this with us!! I’m sure there’ll be others who’ll find it interesting to read as well!^-^

#astro asks #rising signs #nct rising signs #wayv rising signs #wayv #nct #kpop astrology #nct astrology #wayv astrology #ask

[orsuliya]

I am annoyed with the TRP writer, they made Awu such an alcoholic. I mean we are rooting for her to get pregnant and with her health issues, drinking doesn’t help and she always drinks when she gets upset ? Gosh! Being drunk doesn’t help anyone, even XQ in this matter, he should ban alcohol permanently in the house so she can’t drink at all

Ah, this issue is not something that the TRP writer came up with; it’s taken straight from the book. Indeed, in the book Awu’s weakness towards alcohol gets potentially triggering as early as in those three years between the wedding and Helan Zhen’s first appearance; later, admittedly, it is not as visible as in the drama, at least not in my humble opinion.

I may have a higher threshold of sensitivity to this particular issue than you, my dear Annoyed Nonnie, but even so there was one moment I felt really iffy about, so much so that I had to pause for a good minute or five. I am, of course, speaking of Yuxiu’s confession about her own drinking problem and its source. The fact that Awu was in position of authority and used this fact - although unwittingly and without malice - to pressure her social inferior into drinking, well, that was... not good.

Anyway, that was the only moment I got an unambiguously bad feeling about Awu’s drinking, maybe because she does seem to get better after her post-miscarriage bender. The need to numb herself after the sheer extent of experienced trauma I found somewhat understandable, even if the chosen method was... neither beneficial nor constructive, let’s put it like that. After that Awu seems to have it under control, barring her one adventure with buried wine and understanding snails. And she quite noticeably doesn’t get Yuxiu completely sloshed in order to pump her for information, which doesn’t deserve a commendation, but should be marked down all the same.

As for that potential ban on alcohol in the Yuzhang household... Well, for one, enforcing permanent bans on anything is not the way things are done between Awu and Xiao Qi. Expressing honest opinions and leaving the choice to the other party, sure; entering covenants, hell yes; making heartfelt promises, of course. But ordering each other about is never going to happen there. 

All the same I am convinced that Words Were Had all the same. Until we get to see those infamous cut scenes, I will assume that it happened. And if it didn’t, well, then I’ll headcanon it in! Why? Well, Awu isn’t at all surprised that Xiao Qi warns her not to go wild when she decides to stay the night at the Fenchi Palace... and then she immediately digs the wine out once he is gone. Her excitement is childish, but could very well indicate that really serious drinking is a complete no go at home. True, it’s later (in episode 44?) made clear that Awu and Yuxiu still break out the wine and often, but it could very well be just a cup here and there. Xiao Qi’s good-natured reaction seems to indicate as much; remember that not that long before he had gotten rather exasperated at Awu drinking herself into unconsciousness, which tells us that it is probably not the case here. Also, Awu demurs immediately, saying that it’s too early to drink. Well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Or maybe it’s not about the time of day, but more about the fact that she thinks Xiao Qi ordered the wine to make her happy in spite of his own dislike of seeing her drink. Okay, I might be reaching here. Let me, please. It’s not that impossible, is it...?

Now, to be fair, I would really prefer Awu not to drink at all or at least not to the extent that we see onscreen. It doesn’t really add that much - if anything - to the character. But you know what? There is somebody with a much worse drinking problem in this drama and he’s been slipping under our radar. Is it because he’s male? Could be, could be... Whatever we say about Awu, Zitan is ten times worse. Only one of them has no problem with appearing drunk in public and only one of them neglects their duty due to alcohol consumption. Okay, both of them pass out in random places, that much is true. I think Song Huaien is another habitual drinker or at least becomes one after getting Wang-ed.

Damn, now I got myself wondering - seeing that Awu’s drinking is non-violent and largely non-disruptive - but still Very Much Not Good, don’t mistake me! - would I mind it this much in a male main character? I don’t know, you see, and that bothers me a lot.

#ask and answer #excessive drinking is BAD so don't do it kids #I feel like I should disapprove of Awu's drinking more #but that possible double standard won't let me #the rebel princess

[dotthings]

So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities. 

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands. 

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts. 

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune. 

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once. 

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often. 

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet. 

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again. 

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t). 

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack. 

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first. 

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him. 

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me. 

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly. 

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way. 

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

#Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #Dean and Cas #Team Free Will #Jack Kline #Supernatural #spn #supernatural spoilers #meta

[nullconvention]

Maybe a little long, I’ll cut it for ease of scrolling, but even though tdov isn’t the same at all as the way we’re all normally extremely visible, I can’t help but think of visibility as inherently dangerous. I’ve thought a little about post-9/11 surveillance culture, but observation/being observed really does strike me as just... idk, incredibly pervasive.

Like, let me put it this way. I was around 10, I guess, and I was never a very large person which meant that I was dealing with a lot of bullying. I got my ass beat on the regular (which caused other fun psychological ramifications, but whatever) and I had started just a regular ass wide-ruled notebook journal to sort of vent in. I complained about shit my parents made me do, and I wrote about getting my shit kicked in by the same dude repeatedly and I guess I wrote some minor tier curse word like “damn” or “hell” or whatever. Something like two days later, my parents pulled me aside and chewed my ass out - first because I cursed in my journal and second, because I was disrespectful in my depiction of them.

Which, predictably, I thought was bullshit. I was pretty outraged, because I’d made an effort to keep it quiet and had shoved it under my bed. On the cover was some little kid shit “personal, keep out” or whatever. Naturally my parents read that shit from cover to cover. Nothing to say about getting bullied, but definitely unhappy about what I wrote. I learned from them that children had no privacy a parent was obligated to respect, and that changed me from then on.

I didn’t keep a journal anymore and, in fact, I wrote much less in general because I was judged a safety risk due to my poor attitude. I still wrote stuff but I censored myself heavily. I took to lying frequently, almost habitually, about even small things, since I couldn’t trust anyone and I eventually became a very competent liar. I learned to walk so people wouldn’t hear me, I waited until nobody was around so people wouldn’t see me. I wanted to disappear, which concerned my parents, but because I was quiet about it and my brother was a fucking terror they let me slide because, as they joked much later, “if your brother snaps, we’re worried he’ll attack a lot of people and, if you snap, you’ll probably just kill yourself.” Well, you know, better to be left alone, though. I let them focus on my brother exclusively. I didn’t trust anyone with what I was thinking or feeling, and I learned that I was right not to.

Why write all this? I don’t need sympathy now, and I’m not worried about any of that anymore. Whatever’s wrong with me, I have to deal with myself. I guess my point is that it doesn’t take all that much surveillance to make a serious impact on a kid. Once you know someone’s watching, it impacts you, which is why Foucault made so much sense when he wrote on the panoptic systems of control. But in the post-9/11 environment, we’re always watched. We have no expectation of privacy. The question isn’t whether you can be observed, it’s whether you’re being actively observed right now.

Which is a sort of fucked up way to grow up, but if you grew up primarily after 2001, that’s your whole life. So it’s no wonder that zoomer culture has a tremendous paranoid streak. It’s a generation of people watching each other for infractions at all times digitally. Receipts can be pulled and saved indefinitely, which can put something into better context or strip context out entirely. You can choose to either express a sense of sexuality or make sure to never do so, but once you do it’s almost impossible to separate from every element of your existence so having an OnlyFans gets you fired from one job and having your nudes leaked makes you a laughing stock.

There are increasingly few public spaces you can exist in, a majority of socialization is done digitally where you can have 10 friends one day and accidentally go viral the next. And it’s like... no wonder there’s an obsession with purity and wholesomeness, no wonder people are all fucked up. There are no boundaries and older people who assume that there would be are brought to heel with the logic that any accessibility means they can expect to have their boundaries violated. Younger people simply do not and often never have had boundaries anyone would respect, so every element of their existence is permeable to every other element. It’s just going to produce an entirely different understanding of what it means to exist in relation to the gaze of every other person - whatever you do is being watched and judged at every moment.

#long #personal

[milkywaydrabbles]

Together we will Live Forever

So this is my first commissioned piece, and the first thing I’m posting on my new Tumblr! I’m hoping to get a lot of prompts and drabble requests along the days but I’ll start with this!!! Hope everyone enjoys!

-

“Here… here! They’re over here!” 

 Sounds muffled, dust flew in their lungs, making it harder to breathe. Their eyes were glossed over, red and puffy. They can hardly remember why they’d been crying. It felt like years since they last saw sunlight, those damn ugly fluorescent lights burning their retinas day in and day out. 

 In reality, it’s only been about six months since the kidnapping. Though, they could be wrong with the time. They never left the basement. They never saw the sun.  But hearing someone else’s — anyone else’s — voice that wasn’t part of the League of Villains was a miracle on its own. But this voice kept getting closer, and sounded more and more desperate with each call. Then multiple voices came. 

 They opened their eyes a bit wider, blinking away the burning sensation that they felt with the strain. Then they saw the faces of the voices. 

  There were heroes here . 

 After so long, after continuous torment and torture and sleepless nights there were finally  heroes . They could have sobbed then, if their throat weren’t so raw from the strain. Physically exhausted, they didn’t even move, just prayed that the heroes would pick them up and take them away from all of this. 

 “Hey, stay with me honey—we’re gonna get you out of here okay?” They heard a female voice speak out. Sounded slightly familiar,  Midnight, they thought. Didn’t matter right now. She reached out to touch them, noticing the immediate reaction was to flinch away and shield themselves with their lacerated arms. The female hero gasped, looking at the dirtied and infected lesions on the skin. 

 “Oh my god,” she gasped again, mostly to herself, before turning around and yelling out again. “ We need a medic! ” 

 They didn’t remember much after that moment, just more seemingly encouraging words amongst the chaos happening around the two of them. Then they nodded. There was a question there somewhere but they didn’t remember what it was. Maybe it was just habitual, with all the times the villains would ask them if they would be good and  heal them .

  Then it was black. 

 The next time they woke was a week later, hooked up to some IV drips in their arms and a breathing tube strung down their nose. Panic rose quickly, knowing the feeling of needles in their veins to keep them  barely alive  all too well. Bile rose with it, biting back the stomach acid that was boiling up their throat was difficult. The only thing that brought them slightly down from the extreme anxiety attack that was seconds away were the bandages that practically held their arms together. That was barely enough to keep them grounded to reality.

  The league would never take the time to make sure the arms were covered . Ever anxious and ever suspicious, their guard was held high. 

 Then a man spoke in the room.

 “You’re awake.” A very obvious observation, but necessary to bring the attention to him. Seemed as if he were there for the entire spectacle. He would have stepped in, if he saw their panic get worse than it was. But this situation was very delicate, he knew this. Six months filled with trauma and pain was enough to send a civilian into a frenzy immediately. Slightly surprised they were able to stop yourself before screaming into the void, he questioned them. “Are you okay?” 

  No, no no no nononono   —

 “Yes… I’m—”

  Hurting, and scared, and always in pain. Not trusting of you, but it hurts so much. Please, please stop the pain please make it go away please help me please please pleasepleaseplease   —

 “—fine.”

 That was a lie. They knew it as well as he did. But he wouldn’t comment on it. Whatever made them feel most comfortable. The man gave them a minute to recollect their thoughts, and calm themselves as best they could before continuing.

  “My name is Aizawa Shouta, hero name Eraserhead. You were rescued a few days ago from the League of Villains.” He paused for a moment, seemingly uncomfortable at the thought. “You are currently in the Musutafu general hospital. Do you… have any recollection of your last six months?” 

  So it was half a year.  They sat there for a moment, reliving every memory their brain brought up. They remembered everything, down to the gut retching stench in the foul basement they were placed in. The details would haunt them. Their face dulled, eyes losing focus. They were being pulled into a pit of darkness as the memories came back. He saw that. 

 Their face twisted into one of pain, feeling the lacerations on their arms throb with the memory. How they were forced to use their quirk, even though it wasn’t nearly strong enough to do what they needed to be done due to malnutrition and lack of sleep. How, day in and day out, there were different thugs brought to them with all kinds of wounds—from some fresh blood still sticking to their flesh, to others who had clearly waited much too long to get it looked at and now had pus mixing with whatever bodily fluid dried and crusted over. 

 They remember how, no matter how many times they yelled and screamed and sobbed, no one came. How their arms at one point felt like they would rip right off, and how they had to switch from injuring their own arms to their legs just to save themselves from mutilating their limbs to the point of amputation. 

 They remembered the mocking tones of all the villains that would come through, and how they would leave them alone only because they were so disgusted with the pools of blood and bits of flesh that were tearing off no one even wanted to be touched. 

 They remembered how those were their favorite days, no matter how much it  hurt .

 “Hey, hey, come back..” His voice was soft, soothing almost. The man— Aizawa   — brought their attention back to reality. 

 “I...remember most of it. I don’t remember getting there...” Their voice cracked before continuing. “But I remember  being  there.”  Being used, over and over and over   —

 His phone rang, breaking their daze again. They flinched away from the sound, he noticed, and turned away to answer. The call was short, with a few grunts of affirmation from the hero and a sigh. He turned back once the call was over. “With your permission, we would like to keep you with some heroes during your healing and interview process. To understand why the League needed you specifically. Do I have your consent?” 

 They nodded, a bit shaken. 

 He, on the other hand, shook his head. “I need verbal confirmation. Do I have your consent to keep you on campus of UA high with professional heroes for however much time is needed for your healing and interviewing process?” He asked again, this time with more detail. Aizawa needed them to understand fully what was at stake. 

 “Yes… Yes, I consent.” They paused for a moment, question dancing on their tongue. “Will you be...one of the heroes there?” They weren’t sure why they asked. They didn’t particularly care, as long as they stopped feeling so scared all the time. This was  a goddamn nightmare . 

 “Yes, I will be with you most of the time.”

 The thought made their stomach settle. 

 -

Days passed in the hospital, heroes came in and out—most of them already knowing who they were. Seemed they would all be interacting with them on campus. Some were more personable than others. Midnight and Present Mic—they learned around the third visit their names were Kayama Nemuri  and Yamada Hizashi—were very chatty. Always trying to make conversation with them. 

 Even though it was rare they replied, rare they would even pay attention. The thought was nice enough for them though, even if they didn’t have it in them to interact. Other heroes like Snipe and Ectoplasm came to introduce themselves, but never stayed long. The air was thick with tension—and they didn’t know how to handle someone with heavy trauma. Usually the professionals didn’t have to stick around to see the aftermath of what happened to the victims who survived whatever they needed saving from. 

 It was finally time to leave, and although they were relieved to be away from the hospital bed, they were scared to go into the unknown. Then Aizawa came through the door, helping settle any of the fears that came into their mind. This made them feel  off   — they had no connection to this hero. There wasn’t a reason in the world to trust him any more than the other pros that had walked into their room.

  But they never felt as safe with anyone else than with Eraserhead. 

 “There’s a car in the front of the building, a dormitory has been set up for you personally. Are you ready?” 

 They stuttered for a moment, grasping onto their arms that have  finally  begun to heal. Then, with a quick and less than audible  yes  they stood in front of the open door. And paused.

 It was hard to step through, fear coursing through their veins. Two weeks in a safer environment than what they had had for six months was difficult to leave. Aizawa waited, more patient than they could ever ask for. Then he stepped through first, keeping the door open for them. 

 “It’s safe, I promise.” They’ve heard so many  promises  it’s hard to tell if this one will be kept. 

They took a step through anyway, breath held in their lungs as they stepped under the door frame and into the hero’s personal space. The world was too big, too unknown, there were too many people walking around, too many faces they didn’t know , too many memories coming back   —

 They felt a hand lightly on their shoulder. Instantly, their arms flew in front of their face in a feeble attempt to shield away from the world and the man’s touch. No words came out of their mouth, just small whimpers and attempts of saying ‘ stop!’ , and so he did. He gave them time, standing off to the side away from their safe haven. He waited for the shaking to stop. 

 “I’m sorry, for touching you..” He apologized, and sounded sincere. They’ve heard  sorry  so much, usually followed with a cackle and absolutely no remorse that they almost felt bad for pushing him away. 

 “It’s...I’m—” There were no words that could possibly tell Aizawa how miserable they felt all the time and they wished they could use their healing quirk on their mental health to  fix it and make this better . Letting out a frustrated sigh and tugging at the roots of their hair, they shook their head. 

 “I’ll follow you.” 

 He nodded, and walked through the corridors slow enough for them to remain as close or as far as they wished without getting lost. They stayed closer to him than he thought they would.

 The car ride was quiet, no words exchanged except a ‘ thank you  ’ for the car door being held open, followed by a quick  ‘you’re welcome ’. They fiddled with the bandages, trying to unravel a piece and look at the flesh underneath. 

 “You should leave those on. From experience, looking at what’s underneath isn’t always comforting.” 

 They paused, and took a quick glance at the man next to them. He hadn’t moved, and still looked forward in the car. They sighed, but ultimately listened. The rest of the ride they kept still.

 -

“This will be your new, temporary home. My room is right across from yours. If you need anything, you can ask.” 

 They nodded in thanks, not letting their lungs grab in their much needed air until they heard the door click behind them. The shock of the last six months hit them all at once, their mental walls crumbling down—along with their legs. They were left at the edge of the room, drained of all energy they had been using even for the short amount of time they had to be a human. Their arms still stung, months of abuse piled on top of each other without reprieve or proper healing, but that was in the back of their mind as they laid on the floor arms wrapped tight around themselves. They didn’t even have the proper energy to cry—not  really . Broken sobs and airy wheezes were all that were heard in the room. 

 What they didn’t know is that the Erasure hero was still in ear shot, the weeping penetrating his thoughts as we walked into his own dormitory. 

 The next morning they woke still on the floor, limbs tucked tightly against each other. It was terribly uncomfortable stretching out, muscles sore from the way they slept on the ground. Their head was pounding, heart racing—they’d forgotten where they were. 

 The panic slowly dissipated when they took another look around the room: It was far too clean, and organized to be the basement of the league. 

  That’s right, UA dorms....  They sighed, slowly standing on wobbling legs to freshen up for the day. At least this was more of a studio apartment rather than a dormitory, with its own bathroom and kitchen. 

 By the time they were done with the as-scalding-as-they-could-manage shower, they changed into whatever generic clothing was given to them for the time being and really looked at their arms for the first time in weeks. Most of the wounds were scabbed over, healing hopefully properly. Some of them, the more infected of the bunch, looked like they still had pus oozing from some of the sides. Mostly clear liquid, so it seemed like the infection was slowly going away. They would have to get it checked out again soon...

 A knock at the door startled them enough to gasp, eyeing the frame wearily. Then a voice rang out.

 “It’s Aizawa.”

 Their heart rate picked up, albeit for  no apparent reason , and went to open the door after removing its many locking mechanisms. Seemed UA knew to take as many precautions as possible, and for that they were grateful. Their eyes locked onto the hero’s, and he looked almost as horrible as they did. 

 Bloodshot eyes, bags underneath telling a story that would have screamed ‘he’s been awake for days’ if they could recite words. They hadn’t noticed what rough shape the pro was in yesterday. They felt almost.. guilty, for being so focused on themselves. 

 Aizawa stayed at the door unmoving until he was invited in. Even with them moving off to the side, as an unspoken invitation, he stayed still.

 “...You can come in.” Even those words sounded so forced. 

 He slowly walked in, bringing a bag and a to-go cup into their view. “I brought you a few things for breakfast, wasn’t sure if you had eaten today or..”  Or at all within the last few months is how he wanted to end it. The unsaid question was louder than the words he murmured. “If you allow us, we’ll be having a recuperating session with Recovery Girl, that doubles as an interview. I’ll be walking with you to the session.” 

 It always astounded them how good with his words he was. If he ever became a villain it’d be very easy to manipulate people with how he chooses his sentences so carefully...

  Stop it!

 People were trying to help them, and here they were thinking the worst. The frustration must have shown on their face since he spoke again. 

 “We can reschedule this for another time.”

 “ No   — ” too forceful, they winced. They tried again, quieter. “... no. It’s okay. I’m... not too hungry.” Somewhat a lie. They were too scared to eat in fear it meant they’d be taken advantage of again, like every other time they needed their energy. 

 In any case, Aizawa held out a plain wrapped bun with a bottle of water.  “At least have this, you look like you’re going to collapse.” 

 They sighed before agreeing.

-

The meeting overall was painless, mostly. Recovery Girl introduced herself with her government name, Chiyo Shuuzenji, before invading their personal space. That took time getting used to. They flinched for each  smooch  that came their way for most of the session. Then, after most of the wounds were noticeably better, not  healed , the questions came. 

 “Now, my dear, what is your quirk exactly? The more detail the better.” 

 They swallowed the first few times they tried to open their mouth, silently thanking Aizawa for giving them that bottled water earlier. After a few more attempts at speaking, they got some words out. 

 “It’s… a healing quirk. I can… I can heal virtually any physical injury. I can get to internal bleeding also. I don’t have to imagine it, I don’t have to touch the specific area… as long as I touch that person, and I just think to myself  heal   — whatever they have that’s physical, I can make it go away.”

  They paused for a moment. They hated being reminded of this part.

 “But I… I get hurt. I get these cuts on me. I can, um, imagine where I  want  the cuts. So they can be anywhere on my body. I try to, um, keep them in the same area to… to uh… make it easier for me.” 

 To make it easier to disinfect one giant spot on their body than a lot of little spots.

 “The bigger the damage I’m healing, the bigger the cuts get. And these last few months...” They didn’t want to continue.

 Without them noticing, their body was going into a state of shock to be able to actually speak about what has happened the last few months. Even just speaking about their own quirk was triggering their body into panic. They began to shake, just a little, and they brushed it off as being cold. They knew better, but hoped that if they continued to talk themselves down from the attack they could just get over it. 

 The questions continued. 

 “When you were with the League of Villains, how often did they make you heal them?” 

 It was getting harder and harder to speak, shallow breaths were picking up. They pressed on, regardless.

 “It was, u-um, almost every day. They kept coming—kept bringing in random people to heal. They pushed me, they kept-kept trying to get me to do more.” Tears were pooling in the corners of their eyes, they tried to blink the salty reaction away. It didn’t work.

 “Then… then they—the Nomu—they were… I was—it couldn’t get better and I kept trying, and, and—” 

 The shaking became violent, and they pressed the heels of their palms into their eye sockets, rubbing viciously—almost as if they were trying to get the thought to  go away

  “Come on, you can do it   —   keep   trying,  ” the white haired one bit out. He was the leader, they learned at some point. They kept trying to heal the monster in front of them. It was missing half an arm and a full eye. 

  It’s been days of nonstop healing on their behalf. No food, barely any water, their energy levels were dangerously low. 

  “I-I can’t, it won’t   —   I can’t!” They cried out, hands shaking clutched onto the mass of arm that was dripping blood. The harder they tried, the deeper the lesions continued to become on their arms. They were almost like claw marks now, dark blood oozing over their own arms. It was hard to tell the difference between their blood and the beast’s. 

  They were healing   —   something  . But it wasn’t enough to actually heal whatever was in front of them. 

  “This is useless,” one with black hair and damaged flesh spoke now. “Just have them heal everyone else before they pass out again.” 

  They wanted to cry, they didn’t want to heal anymore. 

  The white haired brat spoke one last time, “Fucking useless,” and left the scene. Leaving you to heal everyone else with the marred man watching over you.

 They heard their name being spoken, almost yelled, in a frantic voice. 

 “—stay with us,  come back to us! ” The masculine voice tried to reach them, and they gasped out trying to get air back into their lungs. 

 “I’m, I’m sc—I’m  scared! ” 

 The strangled words sounded so  pained  , Aizawa didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t touch them, couldn’t make this any worse. He just wanted them  better . He could only imagine the damage they’ve been dealing with mentally. 

 He spoke their name again, this time quieter—almost trying to convince himself it would be okay.

 “Hey, hey, I’m right here—it’s safe here, with me, look at me—” He couldn’t even finish the sentence before they flung themselves into his grasp. It was the closest thing to them that would make them feel smaller. Aizawa was taken back by their immediate touch. Last time he attempted to do this they pushed him away. Perhaps this trigger was worse than the first, something they  needed  grounding for. 

 The hero wrapped his arms around them, feeling them grasp at the fabric of his clothing as they sobbed into his chest. 

 All he could do to console them was continue to whisper that it was safe there, that he was  there for them , and he would protect them. Eraserhead himself wasn’t entirely sure how many of those were truths, but right now he had to believe it most for their sake. 

 It took a little under a half hour to finally calm them, back to having a pounding head and racing heart just like this morning. 

 The session ended after that.

 -

Days turned into weeks at the school, and the “interviews” were more delicate. Aizawa was there for each one, and after a handful more with Recovery Girl making sure their wounds were only scars now, he conducted them alone. The hero always made sure they were comfortable, only asking more questions when he felt they could handle it. And when he noticed the shaking, he would either take a break or stop altogether.

 That was in the beginning of their one-on-one sessions.

 After two months there for the interviewing process, Aizawa turned into Shouta, taking breaks turned into reassuring hand holds, and stopping turned into much needed time in his arms. They still very much cried, a lot of the memories were more overwhelming than they initially thought.

 But Aizawa— Shouta   — was there. Shouta was always there. And if they couldn’t do a session that night, not mentally prepared for what was to come—he’d always be understanding. He’d never get frustrated, never push for them to speak. 

 They wanted to trust him so badly, with all their heart. They hoped one day, they’d be free of their mental prison.

 The fourth month they were there they began speaking more freely. This time, it was over breakfast. It was a Saturday—Shouta had the day off from teaching. He had cooked for the two of them that morning. 

 “They burned me, once.” 

 He almost dropped his utensil on the ground, startled by the sudden admittance. 

 They pressed on, “They asked, if I… if I could heal myself. I don’t know why. But I said  no , and it’s true. I can’t. It would be a vicious cycle of healing and hurting if I could. But um… the one with the white hair?” 

 “Shigaraki,” Shouta reminded. 

 They nodded in understanding. “Shigaraki, he didn’t believe me. He got the other one with the blue fire—”  Dabi  “—to burn me.” They paused for a moment, lifting their shirt just high enough on their side so he could see the blotchy skin that never fully recovered. 

 He could only imagine what it looked like when they first received it. 

 “When they realized I wasn’t lying, they… called in one of their paid off doctors.”  The pain wasn’t any better , but they kept that information to themselves. 

 Shouta stayed silent for a moment, not knowing how to react. “Thank you for trusting me with this information,” was all he said before returning to their peaceful breakfast. 

 -

That night, after his patrol, Eraserhead couldn’t sleep. He was getting too close to them, he knew. It’s been nonstop attachment on both ends for four months. He understood they needed someone to help them through this counseling, and he was the best for the job at this point. 

 But he was  attached. He could no longer tell the difference between talking them down from a panic attack because they needed it or because he couldn’t breathe seeing them in pain like that. It was selfish on his part, he knew that. He also knew that eventually, they would leave the dorms, go back to their home, and try to assimilate back to their own norm in society. There was a very big possibility that he would never see them again. 

 The thought made him sick to his stomach. 

 Four months of banter, four months of whispered stories and shared secrets. Four months of gentle, fleeting touches. Four months of building a trust that he would never break, not in his life.

 Being the professional hero he is, he even thought about making up some sort of excuse as to why he wouldn’t be able to do this with them anymore. Something along the lines of, “The more people they have to interact with, the easier it’ll be for them to go back to the world.” It sounded nice, in theory—on paper. 

 But would he really be able to do it? Would he really be able to break apart that bond that they had built up so well together? 

 Not in his life. 

 Not that they’d ever allow it. They still had attacks, and night terrors they spoke to Shouta exclusively about. If he ever dumped them on someone else their whole being would be crushed. They would find him and scream at him at least once—and shut down completely. It would be a soul-crushing reminder that the world is a cruel and evil place, and that no one cares about each other—not  really . 

 For their own sake, they would not,  could not , let Shouta go. 

 Eraserhead thought about how he’d be able to disconnect personal from work, when he heard a thud coming from across the hall.

 And then another.

  And then another . 

 His hero instincts kicked in harder than ever before and ran into the hallway with his heart in his throat. He yelled out for them, banging on the door with each call. He heard sobbing, and warned them that he was going inside the room. He wasn’t entirely sure any of his words were getting to them. 

 The lock was broken with a kick to the door, and the sight in front of him was enough to make  him  cry. Their body was hunched over on the ground, head banging against the floor. Their tears were visibly hitting the floor, and the most gut wrenching of it all was and they seemed to still be asleep through this whole nightmare. 

 Shouta moved to their side on the floor, doing his best to lift their head in his hands and rub the tears away with his thumbs. He continued to call their name, giving them a little shake every now and again trying to wake them as gently as he could. When their eyes opened they were strained, vision blurred. He needed to ground them, still in a haze. 

 “Hey, I’m here—can you say my name? Tell me who I am,  please .” 

 Their breathing was heavy still, eyes trying to focus on the body in front of them. 

 “Sh-Shouta,” they hiccuped, grasping at whatever article of clothing they could find. They calmed quickly after that, falling asleep, in his arms. 

  I’m a fool  , he thought,  for thinking I’d ever be able to leave them. 

-

The next week or so, Shouta had been dancing around a question that’s been on his mind. It was ridiculous, completely illogical, but after the last night terror he had witnessed it seemed like the best course of action. Normally they weren’t very perceptive of things happening around them when the hero was around, they felt safe enough to not have to pay attention. But today...

 “Shouta, are you okay?” Their voice was as soft as ever, almost fearful he was going to tell them that this was enough and that they needed to move on with someone else for protection. 

 He nodded, biting the bullet and spilling the question—well, statement really.

 “Live with me?” 

 They paused, eyeing him. He couldn’t tell if they were going to laugh, or cry, or scream, or  run away . His look was blank, as their look was one of shock.

 Then they smiled.

 “That would be nice, please.”

 After that bit of excitement, the rest of the day was dull for both parts. They packed a small bag that had the more important clothing—they  were  right across the hall, as it were. But...it was a nice sentiment from the hero. Their anxiety had kicked in a few times throughout the day, thoughts screaming in their head.

  He’s going to take advantage of you. 

  He wants you for your quirk.

  He’s going to use you.

 They had to shut those thoughts out.

 Shouta came back in between teaching classes and patrolling the streets in the evening. He knocked lightly, this time he didn’t wait for them to let him inside. They had become so comfortable with each other the last few months that it was second nature to always be around their presence. Their arms wrapped around his waist, a hug so light it were as if they were scared he’d disappear. 

 What he didn’t know is that was, in fact, their fear.

 He returned the embrace, firmer, before helping move the small quantity of things they had packed up to his studio apartment-esque dormitory and handed them their own key.

 “If there’s anything I can do to make you more comfortable, please, let me know.” 

 He saw their first, real smile. 

-

They made themselves as comfortable as they could in their new home. Temporary as it may be, it was  home . A safe space for them to be, to exist. It was time for bed now, though they still felt a bit weary trying to sleep knowing that Shouta was still out there being Eraserhead making sure the streets were safe. 

 So they stayed up...

 And stayed up later.

 And eventually, clinging onto themselves in the middle of the bed, heard the familiar click of a door being unlocked and saw the pro hero walk in. They almost smiled, until they saw the condition the hero was in. 

 Their heart dropped.

 “Shouta,” his name was rushed out, and they unwrapped themselves from the sheets and ran to him, stopping short in front of him and hovered. He was stabbed in the arm, it seemed. 

 He shrugged, peeling off the capture scarf that he always had wrapped around his neck. 

 “It’s fine, I just need some peroxide.” His voice and breathing was so even it should have made them feel better about the situation. There was no panic, no real pain, he would be okay.

 But it wasn’t enough for them.

 “Shouta, please, please let me—”

 “ No .” That was the first time he was ever forceful with them.

 They flinched, having to tell themselves over and over again that he wasn’t mad at them, that he wasn’t yelling because they did something wrong, that he wasn’t going to throw them out.

 He saw the immediate shift and sighed. He realized now how it could have come across. He called their name.

 “Please, you have overused your quirk for so long. This is nothing, just a flesh wound. Please...please don’t.” His voice was at a whisper.

 Their anxiety wanted to flare up again, so much. It was yelling in their head again, that he was a liar and that this was the way to get close and  use them, use them, use them!

 He was going to walk away to go clean up, and they moved without thinking. They had to help him, they had to at least give him  something  as thanks for the last few months. Their hands reached up to his face, caressing him. Eyes closed, the deep wound he once had on his arm slowly stitched itself together, patching up like nothing had happened. It felt slightly uncomfortable for him, now able to physically feel the healing process at an accelerated rate. But after mere seconds, the wound was gone. Nothing was left except the rip in his clothing. 

 And then their wound came.

 It wasn’t as deep or as large as his, but very much visible on your arm. The blood oozed from the lesion that was created, dripping down their arm. They sighed, taking the pain as best they could before releasing the hero in front of them. 

 The two stood in silence for what felt like hours, a mixture of astonishment and disappointment written all over his face. They didn’t know how to react, and decided maybe it  was  for the best if they..left. 

 Not that he would let them.

 He sighed, grabbing a hold of their hand like fine china and brought them over to the first aid in his— their —bathroom. 

 “That was irresponsible, you know.” There was no malice in his voice. 

 He worked silently, dabbing peroxide as gently as he could onto the wound and wrapping it neatly with gauze. It was finished up within a matter of minutes, and by the time he looked up their eyes were red and puffy, sniffling away—they were crying.

 “Did I hurt you? Why didn’t you say anything?” He questioned, his turn to caress their cheeks. 

 They shook their head while rubbing away the stray tears. 

 “I just—” a hiccup “—I just want to say thank you,  somehow .” The weeping became louder, no longer able to hold back.

 “You have done so much for me, Shouta—too much. I’m always fucking scared, so anxious all the time. I  cry  all the time, I’m waking up in the middle of the night screaming. And you’re always there! You never complain, you never push me away. I don’t know if this is sympathy or guilt or, or—” 

 The rest of their words became jumbled in a mess of sobs and heavy breaths, trying to stay afloat in their mind. 

 They felt something on their forehead. 

 Shouta dropped his forehead onto theirs, hands moving from their face to caress their back. Their breathing hitched, still sniffling but attempting to keep it under control.

 “You are  not  a burden. You were never a burden. Never to me. Getting to know you has been one of the best things that has happened in my life in a very long time, never think otherwise.” His voice was stern, but sure. No waver in his tone, they could tell he was serious and truthful. 

 Their now shaky hands were pressed on his broad shoulders, grounding themselves. 

 “ Why?”

 It was a loaded question, they both knew it. Why keep them around? Why were they so special to him? Why did he take so much time even after the physical healing to help them? Why didn’t he go back to his normal routine? Why did he ask them to live with him? 

  Why, why why —

 “Because it seems I have fallen in love with you.”

 The rest of the night seemed like a blur, heavy emotions swirling in the atmosphere. There were more tears, on both parts. Confessions were spoken aloud. Bodies melded together on the sheets of their bed. One last  I love you  whispered in between shared, secretive kisses before finding sleep deep within the night.

 -

It had been now seven months since showing up to UA, three months since they and Shouta had started a relationship together. Their mental stability had gotten stronger, and it seemed like the League of Villains had fallen deeper underground with little to no activity. They were finally in a safe place, able to go home without fear or repercussions. 

 Except they didn’t want to go.

 And if Aizawa were being honest with himself, he didn’t want that either. But he understood that it was a necessary push for them to be free of the mental barrier they had placed on themselves. As long as they were  here , in this school, they would be constantly reminded of the reason they felt so trapped. He needed to push them out to the world, just a touch, so they could become better for themselves. 

 The two stood uncomfortably by the gates of the school, all of their personal belongings, and whatever they wanted to keep that was given to them by the school, packed up. It seemed like a painful goodbye, spending all this time together with the heros and teachers, and eventually students, that they wouldn’t see everyday anymore. An even more painful goodbye to the man they found themselves loving more and more each day. Now that they wouldn’t be a constant in his home, he could easily forget about them. He could replace them with someone not so broken, someone who wasn’t as panicky, someone who he didn’t have to  babysit . 

 “You’re thinking too much.” He broke the silence, and dissipated their doubts, if only by a little bit.

 Aizawa grabbed them, just as delicate as any other time he ever held them, and pressed a chaste kiss to their forehead. 

 “You’ll be alright. You’ve gotten stronger in the last few months. You can do this, you know you can.”

 They let out a shaky breath, nodding in agreement.

-

A month had passed since their departure from UA. The dormitories were missed, but their home was missed more than they thought possible. They spent most of their days cleaning up the place, and getting used to going back out into the world. Sometimes they’d still jump at the shadows. Other times they’d still wake up to the sound of their own screaming. 

 Other times, they’d feel the weight of the world lifted from their shoulders when a certain someone would remind them that they were doing something thought impossible in the beginning. They were  alive , learning how to live again. They started to smile more genuinely, more often.

 -

Tonight marked a month and fifteen days after leaving, and it was the first time Shouta would enter their home. It took a lot of mental preparing, he knew, for them to finally share the piece of their first life with him. This was now solidifying the trust they had been building over the course of the year.  They would have a normal dinner date together.

 He managed to squeeze himself out of the patrol he originally had thanks to a certain loud friend of his, and made it on time awkwardly holding a  bottle of wine with a name neither of them could pronounce. He seemed so out of place at the door, and when they broke into laughter, all the tension was lifted from the scene. He smiled, the feeling reaching his eyes. 

 “Thank you,” he paused.  For trusting me. For believing in my words. For letting me learn about you. For not shutting me out when I pushed you too hard.  “For inviting me tonight.” 

 They smiled with a shake of their head, and led him deeper into their safe place--towards the dining room. “No, Shouta, thank  you  ,”  For being patient. For teaching me how to love myself.  For showing me I had the strength to overcome this. For reminding me that I’ll be okay.  “For taking the time to come.”

 The night was long, and filled with smiles and quiet laughs and shared secrets. The bottle of wine was empty by the end. Now, with their bellies full, the long day had come to an end and with their blessing, Shouta would be staying the night. Somehow, in their inebriated stupor, they had managed to wash up for the late evening and head off to bed. 

 The two of them stayed awake for a while longer to talk about whatever came to mind. They let out a yawn mid sentence. 

 “You feel okay?” More of a way for Shouta to see if they’d like to go to sleep.

 They gazed at him, hoping that he could see every ounce of adoration and respect they had for him. They thought about the last eight months of their life, how it started off so broken and terrifying. They thought about how the man in their bed started off as a stranger that couldn’t even  touch them , that the mere thought of him being too close made them want to claw at their eyes and peel away their skin. 

 They thought about the moments they wanted to take their own life, how they eventually shared those secrets with him. They thought about the times they didn’t say anything at all. 

 Then they thought about how over the months they grew, how they became better. How the once-stranger turned into a friend, and eventually, a lover. How he had always been there as an anchor, never overstepping any boundaries and giving them the space they needed whenever they felt unsafe, even from him. 

 How they learned to cope with the trauma, and learned to manage their panic disorder that was still very much with them due to post traumatic stress. 

 They thought about how, even though it was a hard and heavy process, they would be okay. That they had survived through hell and came back from it.

  Shouta waited, as the gears turned in their head. He knew they were thinking too much, but this time it felt different. When their eyes unfocused the smile on their lips grew, though it was subtle. He let them be; patient as always.

 “I’m fine.”

 They were still growing, still finding themselves in this terrifying world. But they were managing all the same. They were mending themselves, with some help along the way. No matter how slow the process was, they were healing.

 They’d be fine.

#Aizawa #Aizawa shouta #Shouta Aizawa #BNHA #MHA #My hero academia #boku no hero academia #aizawa x reader #eraserhead #aizawa / reader #gender neutral real #trigger warning #mentions of blood #PTSD #panic disorder #7k babyyy omg #commission #fanfiction #angst #fluff

[divinedevana]

Sun semi-square Venus

My Sun in Sagittarius (fire) in the 4th House is semi-square my Venus in Aquarius (air) in the 6th House. Semi-squares in the Natal Chart is where we have “blocked energy” or parts of our psyche. This aspect gives me a sensitive and shy personality, although I tend to hide that part of me well, this stems from extreme insecurity, which is kept hidden behind the mask that I wear. I have noticed that my shyness has worn off but it still lingers. I was painfully shy as a child, and all throughout my school years mainly in high school I would get severe stomach aches due to anxiety right before I had to go to school. It wasn’t like I was bullied or anything, but towards the end of my high school years most of my friends dropped out and I became a bit of a loner. I don’t make friends easily, I am not an out there, outgoing type of person, I keep to myself unless someone is brave enough to strike up a conversation. I’ve always known that I have some sort of potential, I didn’t know what or how to access it but I knew it was there somewhere. Maybe music or dance as I have dabbled in both crafts but never got serious about it, but the potential was very much there. Willpower was never my strong suit. Throughout my teens, 20s and beginning of my 30s I’ve always been a people pleaser, finding it really hard to say “no” to others. I vowed at 35 to end that, and I am on a pretty steady path at accomplishing that. I think my people pleaser attitude caused me to miss out on a lot of opportunities to advance in life mainly because of being too comfortable in my pleasures and habitual patterns. This has caused me to look into myself for change. I later learned that all of this strife I caused on myself was a lack of self love. I was never taught self love, I never heard of such a thing till my early 30s...no bullshit. In relationships I always needed reassurance, appreciation, and admiration from my partners. I can imagine that gets exhausting. I can be judgmental and a bit of a narcissist sometimes. If I don’t like you and you are in my presence I will not speak to you, you will be entirely ignored, like you don’t exist. But I can also be cordial, charming and friendly. I am a pleasure seeker, if I can bottle up that feeling when you first fall in love and all that adrenaline and phenylethylamine and turn it into a drug I would snort that shit daily. This stems from a never ending hunger to need love and be loved. I’ve come to realize that I have denied self love for most of my life by looking for love in all the wrong places. Every man I have been with has told me that I am beautiful, and smart and amazing but then treated me poorly. They used my attributes against me. Like it was my fault that I was attractive and smart like I should be punished for it. I realize now I that I attracted poor individuals as partners because of my own view about myself. I had no respect for myself.  The semi-square is considered to be the 8th harmonic of the chart because it is one-eighth of the 360° circle that the zodiac resides in. Semi-squares being an 8th harmonic will give off some Scorpio/8th House vibes to my romantic character. In the past I have gotten some pretty nasty revenges on lovers who have wronged me, I later discovered that this didn’t make the hurt go away, it just made it worse...very Scorpionic. I’ve learned that Karma takes care of all of that, I don’t need to. I promise, I have seen her beautiful work in action right before my eyes. I tend to get along better with men, but secretly seek admiration from women. Approval from women aids in the feelings of being beautiful and worthy. I always kind of felt a secret competition with my mother, there are some dark connotations there with her husband but that’s for a later blog. Anyway, I’ve always viewed women as the enemy. I’ve literally eliminated all friendships with women, I do not really have friends, because I am not the only woman who feels this way. Most women are in never ending competition with each other, even if they are the bestest of friends. I hate this. I hate feeling like everything that I love is at stake when I am around or in the presence of a woman who I think has more to offer than me, who is more attractive than me. It’s a debilitating insecurity that I try really hard to keep wrapped up tight because nobody needs to see that ugly side of me. So I concentrate on being the woman that I needed. I perform my self care and my self love. I tell myself that if I lose my partner to someone else they were never mine to begin with and that I need to move the fuck on because I am worthy of real love. 

#sun #venus #sagittarius #aquarius #4th house #6th house #8th house #scorpionic #natal chart #aspects #astrology #astrologer #blog

[ilikecowsnstuff]

CHAPTER 12!!!

SUMMARY:  UA Hero Course - Third Year. Shigaraki Tomura and Dabi have been classmates and rivals since their very first day at UA. But with new feelings developing how will they cope given their history of fragile and often violent encounters? Their dance begins after a partnered training exam goes wrong, leaving Shigaraki wounded and Dabi feeling guilty. AU.

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For FanFiction – Click Here

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CHAPTER TWELVE – THE PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS…

 Monday had ended as quickly as it had begun, Tuesday disappeared just the same and in what seemed like a blink of an eye the end of the week had arrived. Shigaraki wasn’t sure how the days had passed by so quickly - wasn’t the age old saying “time flies when you are having fun?” He was not having fun; his week had been miserable - what was the deal?

 Sighing, Shigaraki planted his elbow on his desk and dropped his chin into the palm of his hand. 

 Aizawa was droning on about trigonometric ratios, the thales theorem and fucking right triangles - or something - words that were merging together into something that made absolutely no sense to Shigaraki because he was just staring forward and wondering just how angry Dabi was with him.

 Though maybe angry was the wrong word. Disappointed? Yes, probably. Either way, Shigaraki knew he had royally screwed up. Dabi had been giving him the cold shoulder all week and the distance had been eating away at him, dooming Shigaraki into a depressive funk.

 “I want to go out with you. Like officially.” Dabi had said - and for once - utterly serious.

Shigaraki shifted his lazy gaze to the front of the room where Dabi sat by the window. He wanted to believe Dabi was kidding. And Shigaraki had wanted him to take it back. But Dabi wanted an answer, and it felt like if Shigaraki couldn’t give him the right one - the answer that he wanted - well it appeared they weren’t going to be friends any longer. 

Would everything just go back to the way it was? 

Was that what Shigaraki wanted? 

No. He hated the idea!

 Habitually, he scratched at his neck, like it would give him some sense of comfort. It didn’t, of course. He still felt like the worst person in the world. A complete ass. And a coward - all of which were very likely deserving.

 Ugh.

 When had their simple, and, often at times, affectionate friendship become so complicated? They were just supposed to get along - to stop fighting and maybe not try to kill each other during training or exams. Now he was contemplating if he could grow the balls to be Dabi’s boyfriend.

 Boyfriend. Why was that label so damn scary?

 Logically, it was just a word - and it wasn’t really the title that unnerved him but instead the physical aspect that came along with it. What kind of relationship could they have if Shigaraki couldn’t even touch him properly? It’s not like Shigaraki hadn’t thought about it before, he knew that they were headed in that direction, but he was so anxious about hurting Dabi that he automatically pushed even just the idea of a relationship aside. 

 Until now. Now, he was actually considering what he was prepared to do. He couldn’t deny that Dabi’s absence in his day-to-day life hadn’t affected him, but could he make that one big important step? Years of dissociation and reservation were not easy habits to break but, he had to start somewhere, right?

 With a groan, he closed his eyes and then brought his face down to the desk. Aizawa was going on about fractions or altitudes or some shit now. Shigaraki was trying to suffocate himself with his class notes and the fold of his arm. Maybe some unconsciousness would bring him some clarity.

 He almost succeeded in his asphyxiation when Kurogiri kicked him in the shin.

 Shigaraki looked up with a scowl, glaring at his best friend.

 “Stop sleeping.” He said with a snicker.

 “Shut up.” Shigaraki mumbled in return.

 “Do you ever think that maybe if you actually slept at night you wouldn’t be so pissy during the day?”

 Shigaraki wasn’t going to dignify that with an answer. Kurogiri knew that insomnia was just another part of his sparkling personality. It couldn’t be helped - and it wasn’t like he chose it to be like that, he just never could sleep for consecutive hours. Not, for as long as he could remember anyway.

 He lowered his chin back against his folded arms and resumed staring at the back of Dabi’s head, wondering if he could convince the other boy to talk to him - to give Shigaraki a chance to explain his… misgivings.

 The bell rang interrupting Shigaraki’s thoughts, and then Mr. Aizawa was yelling at the more eager students who were already getting up from their desk, reminding them of the homework due after the weekend. And, of course, the consequences of not handing it on time.

 Of their little trio, Kurogiri was the first to get up and then Kai.

 “So, what are we doing tonight?” Kuorgiri asked, slinging his bag over his shoulders.

Shigaraki wasn’t paying attention, he was too preoccupied with trying to track Dabi as everyone rushed to leave the classroom and get their Friday nights started. He hadn’t heard a word Kurogiri said.

 “Please tell me it’s not another video game night.”

 Kai chuckled and appropriately began to chatter in response. Blah, blah, blah. Again, Shigaraki wasn’t listening.

 “I’ll ah… I'll meet up with you guys later. I’ve got… some things.” Shigaraki chewed on his lower lip, distractedly grabbing his bag and sliding out of the desk.

 “What things?” Kurogiri questioned, curious.

 “Things.” Shigaraki added, and then he was walking absently towards the door.

 The classroom emptied out and Shigaraki turned out into the hall, searching for just one student among many. That particular someone just so happened to knock him in the shoulder.

 “Careful, Mop Head.”

 Dabi loomed, reaching out one hand to prevent Shigaraki from toppling off balance. 

 Shigaraki flushed uncomfortably, looking up at the slightly taller boy expectantly - but Dabi only offered him a quick apology for almost knocking him over, and then continued walking, following the flow of students down the hall.

 What the fuck?

 Shigaraki was momentarily stunned, so much so that he froze on the spot. He swallowed with difficulty, and then spun around, staring at the back of Dabi’s retreating figure. He really wasn;t going to talk to him!

 “Hey!” He called out, jogging to catch up to Dabi. “Wait.” Shigaraki pleaded and when he was within grabbing distance, he carefully seized Dabi’s forearm, willing him to stop. “Please don’t ignore me.”

 Dabi slowly turned.

 Almost toe-to-toe, he looked down at Shigaraki, smiling affably before lifting his hand to brush the light hair away from Shigaraki’s eyes - just like he always did.

 “You really need a haircut.” His fingertips brushed Shigaraki’s cheek, then swept along his jawline before his hand fell away.

 “That’s it?” Shigaraki said, dismayed. He breathed in and Dabi waited, clearly expecting an explanation or an apology or some reason why Shigaraki was holding him up from whatever Friday night plans he had.

 “Look. I’m sorry about earlier this week and how I… reacted.”

 Dabi didn’t say anything, watching Shigaraki with what seemed to be an equal amount of hope and regret. Shigaraki could only assume Dabi had a similarly rough week.

 “I was just… I got a little freaked out. But I’ve had a chance to think about it now.”

 Still no response.

 “I feel really fucking shitty you know.” He admitted, falling back to lean against a row of lockers and pushing his fingers roughly back through his hair.

 “I do too.” Dabi admitted. “You don’t have to feel guilty, Shigaraki. I get it.”

 “No, you don’t get it. If you understood why I reacted the way I did then you wouldn’t have ignored me all week.” Shigaraki replied shaking his head. “I should have explained. I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t think straight at the time. But all week I've been thinking about it and feeling like a complete idiot.” 

 “You are an idiot.” Dabi drawled, lip twitching. Shigaraki couldn’t help smiling back, appreciative of Dabi’s smart mouth - even during a difficult conversation. It made it a lot easier for him.

 “But I think, maybe, I was being a bit unreasonable. I put you on the spot and in my mind, I already knew how I wanted it to play out. When it didn’t go as I planned, well, I got pretty bummed out. I shouldn’t have ignored you.”

 Shigaraki half grinned.

 “You’re not scared of anything, are you?” He said softly, almost whispering it to himself, and then shook his head. That’s not really what he meant but he was going with it. “I mean, you’re so much braver than I am. I wish… I want to be more like that - to be able to do things without worrying about…” Shigaraki paused and his chin dropped. He turned his hands over, so he could look down at his cursed palms. “It would be so much easier if I wasn’t so fucking afraid.”

 “What are you afraid of?” Dabi asked, head tilting slightly.

 “Of hurting someone.” Shigaraki swallowed and then raised his head, adding, “Of hurting you.”

 “Do you think that’s really going to happen?”

 Shigaraki nodded his head and stuffed his hands deep into the pouch pocket of his hoodie. He was absolutely convinced that as soon as he got too comfortable something would go wrong, something terrible would happen. It wasn’t like it hadn’t happened before. Even to that day, he sometimes destroyed things that he didn’t mean to. Just the other night, when he had finally been able to fall asleep, he relaxed his hand for only a moment and almost decayed one of the pillows on his bed.

 “I know you would never hurt me. Not on purpose.”

 “Well, I don’t want to accidently do it either.” Shigaraki stressed, attempting a shaky smile. He was incredibly relieved that Dabi still had some faith in him - all things considered, even if he lacked the same faith in himself.  

 “And to think, just a couple of months ago you wouldn’t have hesitated.” Dabi chuckled low. “Daily threats of death were not uncommon. I kind of got used to it.”

 Shigaraki scoffed. “Shut up.” He joked, glancing away and then back again. Dabi was watching him intently, “They were empty threats.”

 He nodded with a knowing grin, “I know.”

 For a moment both boys went quiet, silently regarding the other – more optimistic but still unsure.

 Shigaraki was the first to speak again.

 “Dabi?”

 “Yeah?”

 Now that Shigaraki had gotten some of his worries off his chest and out into the open he was feeling a lot more confident. And encouraged. Dabi hadn’t flinched, none of the things Shigaraki had explained seemed to bother or discourage him.

 “Do you still want to go ou-“

 Wrapped up in their own little world, both boys startled at the sound of a door being forcefully pushed open and then slamming shut – interrupting their “moment”. They reeled back at the voice that followed, Dabi exceptionally rattled.

 “Toya!”

 This was no ordinary voice - it didn’t come from a student or from one of the faculty members. No, this commanding presence was not someone you expected to hear or see in the halls of UA High.

 This was Endeavor! This was Dabi’s Father!

 Holy shit. What was Endeavor doing at UA?

 “Fuck me.” Dabi audibly sighed and stepped away from Shigaraki, crossing his arms defiantly over his chest.

 Shigaraki immediately flicked his hood up over his head, glad to have the cover to hide his face behind as Endeavor stomped towards them.

 He glanced over at Dabi before returning his wary gaze back to the number two Hero. Shigaraki had never met the man in person, just seen him from afar, but up this close - well Shigaraki immediately understood why he had a reputation of being so formidable. Endeavor was extremely tall, and sturdily built - his biceps alone were probably thicker than Shigaraki’s entire body.

 “Hello, Father.” Dabi greeted as he approached.

 “You were supposed to be outside five minutes ago.” Endeavor grumbled, shifting his steely blue eyes briefly over to Shigaraki.

 “Yeah. It’s just five minutes.” Dabi replied snidely.

 “Get moving. Your brother is already outside waiting in the car.” He continued to walk, heading in the wrong direction of the great outdoors, and the entrance he had just come through. Shigaraki could only assume he was going to visit the teachers while he was on school grounds. Seemed likely. He was very familiar with the school and the faculty.

 “Yes, Father.” Dabi chirped, rolling his eyes.

 Shigaraki smiled tentatively and then lowered his lashes - unsure what to do from this point. He still had some things he wanted to talk to Dabi about, and more importantly something he needed to ask him, but it sounded like Dabi had somewhere he had to be.

 “I have to go.”

 “Are you coming back to the dorms tonight?”

 Dabi sighed again, like the brief interaction with his dad had exhausted him. “Regrettably, no. My mother wanted to have a family… thing tonight. For my birthday.”

 “Oh.”

 “Sorry. I know we were kinda in the middle of… something. But hey, I’ll see you at the party tomorrow, right? We can talk.”

 Out of habit Shigaraki scrunched up his nose. Admittedly, he had almost forgotten about Dabi’s party - what with all the turmoil surrounding the week. He felt like he had lost so much time. Where had the days even gone? The party had been the farthest thing on his mind. Or maybe he had simply forced himself to forget about it.

 “I should be there.”

“Good.” He grinned and then stepped into Shigaraki, curling his fingers beneath his chin and angling his face up for a kiss – but not before a subtle glance down the hall to ensure Endeavor was not paying them any attention. Their lips lightly met before that same voice interrupted them for a second time.

 “Oh, fuck.” Dabi groaned. Shigaraki made a small sound in protest.

 “Toya. Let’s go.” Endeavor called out. Dabi still had a very healthy level of respect for his dad and slowly started to back away, though he did so reluctantly.

 “I’m coming.” He replied, and then muttered under his breath, still staring at Shigaraki. “Sorry.”

 “You should probably go, I don’t really feel like getting yelled at by Endeavor today for making you late to your… thing.”

 Dabi snickered. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

 Shigaraki nodded and watched as Dabi walked off, sullen, following his dad and leaving Shigaraki to his racing thoughts.

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Chapter One – Accidental Attraction

Chapter Two – After Care

Chapter Three – Dazed and Confused

Chapter Four – I Like You

Chapter Five - Friends and Enemies

Chapter Six - Confrontation!

Chapter Seven - Transfer Student

Chapter Eight - A Period of Learning

Chapter Nine - Work and Play

Chapter Ten - Friday

Chapter Eleven - Extraordinary Day

#shigadabi #shigaraki x dabi #shigaraki #shigaraki tomura #dabi #toya todoroki #mha endeavor #my hero academia #mha #my hero academia fanfiction #mha fanfiction #boku no hero academia #bnha #bnha fanfiction #boku no hero academia fanfiction #archive of our own #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #fanfiction #ua high #au #alternate universe

[junipershill17]

twelve Things You Should Consider When Acquiring Your First Condo

1) Analysis the Builder:

Not all building contractors are alike. Many create high quality condos and have some sort of track record of success, while others slice corners and build substandard condos. Aside from reviewing the general contractors webpage, one should also carry out an internet search for watchdog studies, lawsuits and discussion boards to get proposed and existing accommodations. One thing to look out with regard to is whether the builder who is project you are interested in, has a background for completing their assignments on time. I had a client who have purchased with a builder (who shall remain nameless in this particular article) that habitually forced back completion dates. Our client was promised typically the keys a little under 36 months after purchasing the unit, plus the builder delayed possession thrice from their original projected conclusion date. After many irritating delays, he final acquired the keys a whole a couple of and a half years after the authentic scheduled completion date. This specific tied his deposit funds up for an a total regarding 5. 5 years. It was almost considered like a 2 . 5 12 months interest free loan on the builder! In retrospect, as a possible investor, he would have loved to invest in another project from 15% deposit, then take other 10% and rescued another 5%, and put that money into one more project, returning him probably double the return, including 2 . 5 less yrs. This is why it pays to research often the builder!

2) Choose the form of condo that meets yourself:

Not all condos are likewise. Some have age constraints, and rules about animals. Other condos are more loved ones friendly in terms of the unit measurements and amenities. Still other folks cater to retiree's. A good way to decide this is have a look at the number of bachelor's, one, two and a few bedroom units in the complete building. You may also contact the house manager for the condominium to be able to verify whether it is a lifestyle condo catering to a certain demographic. People fewer two and several bedroom units will likely not appeal to large families. juniper hill

3) Identify financial status:

If you are a newbies buyer, getting pre-approved to get a mortgage is a must. Contact your loan company to determine your buying ability, and get a firm commitment page from them locking in the level, and approval amount. No-one wants to be left around the closing day without a mortgage loan approval after you already produced the purchase. I have acquired countless past clients that have been given what they thought has been an approval from their bank, exactly where in fact it was nothing more than a new verbal agreement. Some people have gotten credit issues in the past which could warrant a more difficult endorsement process, and possibly at a increased rate. It is always better to understand that you received a formal pre-approval before you fall in love with a home you can not afford.

4) Talk with local real estate agent:

Real estate agent's can give you statistics of which condominiums are appreciating well in Mississauga as well as the most popular unit sorts, and floor plans. This will likely help you to make a direct assessment between different condo properties in order to establish the true associated with the unit you are interested in. Don't merely settle for any real estate agent. Once more, not all real estate agents are the same. Make an effort to work with a local expert that are experts in the type of properties that curiosity you. After all, why can you work with a realtor that markets mainly full sized residences in the suburbs, when you are seeking purchase a condo in the metropolis? It is like going to the dental office for your flu!

5. Carry out your own research:

If you plan to get a home without a real estate agent, you ought to look into the sales of the adjacent area yourself. Again, these kinds of resources will be less obtainable to the general public, but you could have access to the asking rates of similar properties. That does not mean that those prices will be the market values for that certain property, or even necessarily whatever they sell for. Be careful while information gathering. I have experienced a number of past clients reward me after their hunt for educating them on location values, and explaining to these what to look for when they are searching. Why don't get the assistance of a regional expert, when they're providers are free?

6. Find out modification capability:

Although freehold qualities allow the owner to carry out restorations without anyone's consent, condo properties have restrictions on what may be altered for each unit. A standard rule of thumb should be to request composed permission from the property supervision before making any renovations. The house managers consent is always needed to various degrees depending on the residence. Usually renovation work that requires removing a wall or maybe upgrading bathtubs and baths will have limitations on what can easily, and cannot be done. Several require that a detailed reconstruction plan be submitted into the condo board for agreement prior to the renovation taking place. It will always be better to be proactive. An individual wouldn't want to reverse the actual reno back once it is completed! I had a client who all removed all the carpet inside their unit, to replace with wooden. She did this to boost the value of their unit before selling it, only to learn that management had to agree to any floor renovations. The lady tried to then sell the system thinking that hardwood wood raise the value of her unit. That did increase the value of your ex unit, but in failing to utilize and receive consent from your property manager, she was could possibly be renovation restrictions in the developing. It was later found that will she did not use the appropriate sound-proofing underpad beneath the hard wood. The condo corporation regarded that this would hinder the particular enjoyment of the unit owner immediately below hers because of sound. Consequently, she had to split out the hardwood, install fresh underpad, and then replace the wood. This ate into just about all her profit, and your girlfriend investment, and time was certainly not rewarded. The moral in the story is to always check into these renovations with the rental property manager before you begin. It could save you lots of money!

7) Ask for a disclosure statement:

The developer as well as builder of a new terme conseillé is required to have an information report giving details of the building, along with the legal terms under that this condominium will operate. The particular booklet is available immediately after typically the Agreement of Purchase along with Sale is signed. With resale units, this "Condo By Laws and Declarations" booklet is always made available through the 10 day conditional interval when you purchase a unit. It is placed on the status certificate that may be forwarded to your lawyer regarding review. Your lawyer and then has 2 business days and nights to review the certificate, in addition to consult the purchaser together with his/her findings. If almost everything checks out, the buyer may progress with the purchase. If there are usually red flags in the documents, often the purchaser always reserves it is your right walk away within the conditional time.

8. Ask for a site program:

It is important to know if the model that you want to purchase is in the 1st, second or third period of development so that you understand any future construction which could block your existing look at. Of equal significance will be knowing when, and everywhere more development may take place around this building. New improvement adjacent to the building will influence the use and enjoyment of your house due to noise, vibration, unpleasant construction, dust and nasty smells. It is also good practice to master where your unit will be inside proximity to the elevator, rubbish disposal room, and services, as units near these components usually have a stigma installed on them in the resale industry. Besides, who would want to scent the garbage room after a very long day at work.

9) Establish development plans for the associated with area:

Many condos can be purchased under the premise of a very clear view to the Lake, scenery, or green-space. To ensure that the lovely view will be maintained in the long term, an easy trip to the Planning Department will let you ask if any other innovations are planned nearby, and have a look at the architectural pictures. The planners should be able to assist you to understand the types of developments which can be proposed around you. I have got many calls from people that bought privately through the creator units with south landscapes of the lake as an investment property. These investors would hold the unit until they obtain the keys, and the building subscribes as a condominium corporation. At this time, they would try to resell it, only to be shocked which a new condominium just commenced construction in front of they're system, obstructing their perfect to the south view. The investors blunder was being too excited during the buy process, without taking a take a step back and asking the right concerns up front.

10) Review service details:

If the developer provides a swimming pool, it is important to really know what size and whether it is inside or outdoor. The same is true of party rooms, exercise locations, gyms, sports fields, doctor offices and lockers. Find out how huge, how many, and where will have them located.

Again, these 12 considerations can affect both your entertainment, and the resale value of your current condo. It is always better to research before you buy upfront, and then enjoy the returns of your hard work once you have shifted in!

References Apartment

[btsandvmin]

Vmin – Pushing the boundaries

Ok, so I got an ask, but I kind of have been wanting to make a proper post about this, so I decided to go with a mix of both. I might do a longer more proper post and analysis on this later on, but since I also want to answer this ask I will share at least some parts of my thoughts on the subject now. (The best way to look at this would probably we through video, but I don’t have the time for it) 

This will basically be about how Vmin seems more open with their affection lately, and how a lot of things have become “Vmin things” and what that actually means. This is a vmin analysis, but remember that it’s just my own interpretation and I have no way of knowing how accurate this is. 😊

The ask: I just saw the video jimin posted where he's sending hearts to Tae and, apart from the fact that he does things like this only with Tae, it made me also realize that lately it seems like he'll catch every opportunity to tweet sweet things to him (how many times has he posted 'i love you' in the past six months already?) I'm wondering what changed, since there was a long period where they wouldn't even post a selfie tgt 🤔 (have you noticed too or am I overthinking it?)

Firstly, the finger heart thing is so cute. They started doing this a lot around 2016-2017, most noticeably at ISAC and after that it has truly become a “Vmin thing”. Which means it’s something people associate with Vmin and see them do a lot and in most cases more with each other than anyone else.

And I agree that it seem like Vmin, and perhaps Jimin in particular with the “I love you” has started to do these things more openly. I think they have always done it, but now they just show it more, so I don’t personally think anything really changed. Though there could be underlying reasons that we don’t know. Personal reasons, like maybe Tae needs more love and encouragement for one reason or the other, or perhaps for PR, we don’t really have any way of knowing if there are more complex reasons behind BTS’s actions.

I know what you mean though, and I have quite a few personal thoughts about this. What I feel is that Vmin constantly push at and try to expand their boundaries, kind of like testing what they can or cannot do. Where do they draw the line of what is ok for two male best friends to do and what isn’t? For example I’ve seen them jump at any chance to hug, in scenarios where it’s ok to do it, like it’s something they don’t want to miss out on. At times it even seems like they go out of their way to do it. But to be fair, both Tae and Jimin are very affectionate with all of their members.

The way I see it is that if they notice that they can get away with something they will simply keep doing it until it’s so normal people barely react anymore. The finger hearts, the I love yous, the hugging, the hand holding and the cuddles are all examples of this. People don’t bat an eye at Vmin doing these things, partly because it’s so engraved into the fandom that everything they do is platonic. Which means, Vmin can do more than most others and still get quite a mild reaction. This is something that has existed for a long time, but now more people are starting to notice. 

Sometimes they have done things before, but it just slipped by, and no one really grabbed on to it. A lot of the things vmin do just seem to come natural to them, and they sort of forget where they are.

Sometimes though I have even gotten the feeling that Vmin do things in a provocative way on purpose to get a reaction, but usually that’s one-sided and get blocked by the other person (insert panic gay mode here when one of them aren’t prepared). It could also simply be fanservice. Or perhaps Vmin want people to notice, I have no idea if there is an agenda behind their behavior, but what I do feel is that they do it just as much for their own sake and enjoyment. Even if some of it is fanservice as well.

I think the increase of “I love you” can also be an effect of Vmin understanding how important it is to talk and actually say things out loud to each other. From BV2 where Jimin says “Although you are very close to someone, the other person cannot know unless you talk” and Jimin’s reaction to Tae saying I love you to his Hwarang hyungs I get the feeling that they have become more vocal in general with their love for each other because they understand that sometimes just showing it isn’t enough. Jimin in general is also very vocal and supportive towards all his members. But yes, the amount of times Jimin has said I love you recently has of course made me react.

I think that Vmin, with a lot of the things they do, have held back from doing certain things but has then gradually become more open with showing these things (even though there are of course still plenty of things they won’t do or show). 

One good example of this is hand holding. Looking at compilation videos of Vmin holding hands now I think we can all agree that it has become a “Vmin thing”, which means the general fandom just accept it as normal behavior between the two of them now. It’s just another thing they do, and it’s still seen as platonic by most of the fandom, partly because they are so open with it.

I think most of these moments they do it for themselves, as it doesn’t at all come off as fanservice for the sake of the fans. It’s not in your face, they just do it. But it’s not like Vmin has always been this blunt about it and I think it’s a great example of how Vmin realize they don’t have to hold back, because no one really reacts, so they keep doing it. They stop holding back and show it more openly because they notice that they can. Perhaps to the point where they even stop thinking about it themselves. 

If we go back I think we have a two good examples in particular of Vmin and hand holding that show this change. The first one is when Taehyung habitually held Jimin’s hand when Jimin was just trying to fix his jacket. 

Tae reaches for it naturally, as if on reflex, but then notice the camera and lets go. Holding hands was at this point still not something they knew if it was ok or not to do. (There are of course other early examples of Vmin holding hands, but personally I feel those are mostly either without them noticing, when they are holding other things together or they simply are supposed to hold hands so it’s nothing strange about it.)

Moving on we have the Run episode which to me seems to be the game changer that made Vmin realize that holding hands was okay.

All of the members are supposed to hold hands in the intro, so there should be nothing strange about it, but I can’t help but notice Vmin’s behavior here. I think you should watch the clip and come to your own conclusion, but here is my biased interpretation of this moment.

First Taehyung is doing one of the two things that I feel Vmin (or the other members) usually end up doing in a slightly “romantic or shippy” situation, he plays it up. Draws attention to them holding hands, and in this case almost makes it into a joke. 

Another recent example of this is Jimin’s “Your breath stinks” in Namjoon’s vlive, where he deflects attention from the actual intimate moment and interrupts it with a crude joke. It’s an excuse Jimin has used before when he gets flustered, both with Tae and Hobi. 

You can even see Jimin unable to keep from start smiling after acting upset. Again, I suggest watching the clip on you own. After Jimin holds his hand up towards his face, an natural reaction when you feel embarrassed or flustered to hide your face. Then he eventually also turns around completely.

But back to the hand holding in the Run episode.

What I find interesting here is that Tae is looking to the side, possibly at a staff member/manager with an almost defiant look. As if he knows he’s doing something he probably shouldn’t but there is nothing that can be done about it in front of the crew without drawing unwanted attention.

I wouldn’t think much of this if it wasn’t for Jimin. Because he is looking at the same place, which makes me think there is a person there who keeps track of them so to speak. Jimin does the other thing here that Vmin usually do in these scenarios, which is similar to what Tae did in the first hand holding example I gave. Which is trying to keep a straight face and not draw attention to what they are doing, act like it’s no big deal. Because why would it be a big deal? The fact that they do this so differently here is quite fascinating to me, if we compare it to lets say Hobi and JK holding hands in BV1 when they both just have fun with it. It could just be mood or something else, but again, this is my biased view of it. Jimin also looks like he is trying to hold back a smile, and this is another common thing that Jimin in particular does that I have noticed a lot in his interactions with Taehyung. (He also tends to hide his face when he can.)

Later in the same episode Jimin holds Taehyung’s hand again, but this time for comfort, and I think this time he does it instinctively because he is actually too scared and nervous to keep his emotions in check. The fact that he curls Tae’s fingers around his own looking absentminded tells me this is at the very least not fan service, it’s because Jimin needs it. Then if it’s based in a platonic or romantic bond is another thing, but Jimin specifically asked for Tae to sit next to him.

Then after the fandom watched this episode, people found it cute, but no one really reacted that much to it. I personally think they saw that as an ok sign to keep doing it. That they don’t have to hold back that part of them as much anymore, so they are more open with it now even though they have likely always done it. The fact that people see it as completely platonic, and that it could also be played off as a joke or as for comfort made it easier to dismiss. The same goes for BV3, where the hand holding can be seen as a way of comforting due to Taehyung’s situation. But remember that Jimin almost seemed to be the one that needed it the most, like he couldn’t wait or hold back. 

Jimin is also basically whispering to Tae in this moment, so he is at the very least subconsciously trying to not draw attention to it.

The thing is that now people are so used to seeing it that no one really reacts anymore. It has become “A vmin thing”, it’s just something they do and it can easily be dismissed as just another part of their lovely friendship. And maybe it is, I can’t possibly know for sure. But at least it looks like they have stopped to hide a lot of things that they have always done, and that we have seen glimpses of, but that have now become the norm for them to show outwards as well.

We know all of BTS are careful of shipping moments, as we can see edits for all ships and moments where they wonder if things are ok or not to show. I think another good example is the punishment of kissing on the cheek. I think all members are clearly overreacting because they are supposed to find it disgusting, but let’s talk about vmin. Jimin’s acting here is one of the fakest things I’ve ever seen.

Tae just looks happy, but Jimin’s overreaction is hilarious. Especially since we know this is something they can do of their own free will. 

I don’t know if it’s just the shipping that makes them hold back, or if it’s because there is something real between Jimin and Taehyung. But it does seem like they keep doing the things they want to do when they notice that they can. Which is why their affections seems to be shown more and more in public. There is also the fact that BTS has gained popularity and is more in the spot light, so maybe these moments were frequent before as well, but there are more moments captured in general now. (This of course doesn’t apply to the things they upload themselves on twitter or fan café).

There are are so many small moments for Vmin where they or the members try to defuse moment that might be seen as too romantic/shippy, but a lot of them really go unnoticed. I still think the snow globe in BV2 is a great example. Look at the clip yourself. You might see something else, but to me it looks like Jimin makes it seem like it’s no big deal while hiding the snow globe after properly seeing what’s in it, notice how he checks first before he picks it up, meanwhile the other members deflect. As he realizes there is a couple in it, he puts it back, he doesn’t show it off to the camera.

And that is just one out of many many time Vmin has given me reason to look closer. Here’s another example of Jimin subtly looking to the side after realizing that he might have showed too much.

Jimin has a certain smile when he tries to act casual but fails… I really should have the original videos for all of these examples. But sadly it will have to do with pictures and gifs.

And here is another example of Jimin trying to hold back his smile and keep his emotions in check, an example where he fails miserably. (I am so sad I couldn’t find a gif for this one, it’s a really interesting moment.)

So, what I think is that Vmin still holds back a lot of things, and they still feel awkward with showing everything openly, and probably still aren’t completely used to not showing things. But they have noticed that some things are ok to do. And because they like doing these things and it seems like it is ok for them to do them publicly now, they keep doing it. Simple.

But again, this is my way of seeing it, and there could be a million small reasons for why this change has happened. They are real people after all, and that makes everything complex and hard to understand completely.

I think we can expect more and more of these things from them up ahead. If they realize that they manage to push the boundaries too far they might back off. Unless they are doing it actively for other purposes as well, but that is beyond what I can speculate about properly at the moment.

Thank you so much for the ask. I’m so glad I finally got to talk a little about these things.

Just remember that this is just one Vmin shipper’s personal view and that I could have read it all wrong. I hope you all enjoyed this Vmin analysis. Let’s keep on shipping Vmin as much as they ship themselves. Please like, reblog and reply. I would love to hear your own opinions. <3

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