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slutforbuck · 3 years

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Where've You Been? -- Bucky Barnes x Reader

I started this the day after TFAWS episode 2 came out, and I just finished it tonight. It's not the best, but I hated leaving it not done.

Tears crowded your eyes as you watched the man on TV. John Walker. The “new” Cap is what they called him. Turning off the TV, you glanced down at your phone to see a message from Sam. “I didn’t know that they would do this.” You smiled softly, knowing that Sam was just doing what he thought was right. No-one could replace Steve, especially not this man. You went back through your messages, seeing a text you had sent Bucky earlier that morning. Should I? No..I’m sure he’s seen it..I don’t need to bother him again. You sighed, wishing he would at least call you so you could check on him once in a while. He had been dodging your calls and messages since Steve went back to be with Peggy. From what Sam had told you, he hadn’t been able to get a hold of him either. Making your way to the bedroom, you began getting dressed. As you tossed your phone to the bed, the screen lit up, ringing with an unknown number. You grabbed it, answering with a questioning “Hello?” “Is this Y/n Y/l/n?” “Yes? Who is this?” “Hi Y/n, this is John Walker! I heard you used to work closely with Steve Rogers.” You stiffened, wondering what this man could possibly want with you. “Yes, Steve and I were close. How exactly can I help you?” “Well as I’m sure you know, I’m taking over the mantle as Captain America. I could use someone like you to help me out.” He sounds about as arrogant as he looks. “Mr. Walker, I really don’t think that would be the best idea.” You heard a huff on the other end of the phone and rolled your eyes in response. “Ma’am, we know that after Steve left, you stopped working. You belong in the field, you are amazing at what you do.” You sighed and rubbed your eyes in frustration. “I’ll try one mission. ONE. Send me details later.” You dropped your phone on the bed as you hung up and whispered to yourself, “Steve please forgive me. I hope Sam and Buck will understand.”

“Where are we going Walker?” You leaned back, arms folded and shot a death glare at the man. “We’re going to help some of your old friends.” Smirking he moved closer to you, “You ready?” You looked down as the helicopter began lowering and saw Sam fighting on the top of a truck. You immediately jumped into action, swinging down and landing on the back of the truck next to Sam. You tackled the man as you dropped, kicking him down the length of the truck. “What the—“ Sam flew upwards, then turned towards you. “Y/n? What are you doing here?” You laughed as you fought against the man in front of you, “Saving your ass apparently!” You jerked back as you saw a shield fly past you, barley missing the side of your head. Turning, you saw John and Lemar finally join you. They walked to Sam, “John Walker, Captain America.” “Lemar Hoskins.” “Looks like you guys could use some help.” Sam looked at you, both of you rolling your eyes. Suddenly, Sam flew off the truck, and John was knocked off. You sighed, and jumped down after him, watching as the truck full of soldiers continued down the road.

You propped your legs up on the seat of the jeep, hoping John would back off if he wasn't as close to you. He screwed up the mission, and you sure as hell weren’t going on another with him. “Hey you did great! We will definitely get them next time, we just need to regroup.” Rolling your eyes, you looked out the back of the jeep to the road. “There is no next time with me Walker.” “Now come on don't be like that.” John turned his head to look in front of the jeep and saw Sam and Bucky walking. He leaned forward and began honking the horn, trying to get their attention. The jeep pulls up next to them, and John opens the door, “So that didn’t go as planned, huh?” You looked out to see Sam ignoring you and made eye contact with Bucky. His eyes widened with surprise, then darkened with anger. Not being able to take a hint, John continued, “Look, at least we know what we’re up against now, huh? And we’re pretty sure it’s one of the Big Three so..” Sam glanced up at John, then back forward, “Aliens, Androids, or wizards?” “Pretty sure.” You tuned the men out, looking up at the sky and wishing John would just shut the hell up. Feeling the car jerk to a stop, you looked at the men, all still arguing. “You ever jump on top of a grenade?” Don’t say it. Walker I swear if you tell them about that dumbass thing with your helmet and compare that to everything that Steve did… “Yeah. Actually, I have. Four times. It’s a thing I do with my helmet. It’s a reinforced helmet. It’s a long sto—“ “John shut up.” You interrupted him, tired of hearing his mouth. “Guys it’s 20 miles to the airport. Please get in.” You looked to Sam with pleading eyes. Bucky rolled his eyes and climbed in after Sam. With the extra people in the jeep now, you had to move your legs to make room. There goes your plan to keep John as far away as possible. Tapping your foot on the side of Bucky’s, you tried to get him to look at you. Bucky looked up and stared at you. Eyes not blinking, body not moving. You tried scoot forward to try to talk to him, you had missed him so much and hated that the two of you hadn’t been talking. As you scooted forward, John grabbed your arm and pulled you back against him. You stiffened, trying to pull away. “Let go of me Walker,” you speaking through closed teeth and a clenched jaw. “This would be easier if I had Cap’s wingmen with me. I’ve already got his best girl.” As he leaned in to press a kiss to the top of your head, Bucky stood, towering over the two of you. “Let. Her. Go.” His eyes were clouded with anger, and he reached down and quickly, but gently, pulled you to him. “You can go with us. You don’t have to stay with him.” As you went to answer him, John stood and put his hand on the small of your back, “Bucky I can take care of her, she’s with us.” “Stop the car!” The jeep jerked to a halt and you flew forward into Bucky’s arms. “Walker I am sick and tired of you walking around pretending that just because you carry a stolen shield that you’re him. You will NEVER be Steve. Steve was a good man. You’re just a soldier.” You swung yourself over the side of the jeep and began walking down the dirt road, Sam close behind. Bucky lingered for just a moment, looking at John, “If I ever see you touch her again without her permission, you won’t have an arm to hold that shield with.”

��What the hell were you doing with him y/n?” You looked away from Bucky, ashamed that you had even considered working with Walker. “First of all you don't need to be jumping out of helicopters. Second of all, you’re really supporting this guy? He’s a total ass!!” Something finally snapped, and you turned to glare at him, “Bucky I have done nothing since Steve left. All I had were the three of you. Sam had his own shit going on, and you!” You stopped and turned to him, poking him in the chest with a finger, “You have ignored my calls, my messages. You have avoided me since he left! I agreed to ONE mission. Just to see if I could still do it, without the three of you. I was given an opportunity, and yes I was pissed about the circumstance, yes I was uncomfortable. But I took the opportunity.” Turning back you walked away. “Y/n—“ You ignored the voice behind you as you glared at the road ahead of you. Sam looked to Bucky, “Not the best way to get her back White Wolf. You better go catch her.” Jogging, Bucky caught up to you. “Y/n I’m sorry. I was out of line.” You paused and looked to the tall man now standing in front of you. “Yea Buck you were.” Pushing past him, you continued down the road. “Y/n please wait. Talk to me.” “What else do you want me to say James? You weren’t there to stop me, and I needed to do something. I can’t live my life crying over Steve being gone, I have to get back to work at some point.” Tightening his jaw, he looked at you with a fire in his eyes. “I know he’s gone, and I know that you can’t sit around doing nothing. I know that. But with him? Why not with me and Sam?” “Are you kidding me Bucky??? I have called you, I have sent you messages! Multiple times a day and you IGNORE me! So working with you wasn’t an option. Sam was taking time with his family, he wasn’t even working. Don’t pull that crap with me Barnes. After being around Walker, I am NOT in the mood for your bullshit.” You turned away from him again, trying to put some distance between the two of you. “Well that went over great Buck. Good job.” “Shut up Sam.” On the plane, Bucky tried to smooth things over again. “Come on Y/n, talk to me.” You rolled your eyes and turned to Sam. “So who was that on the truck?” “Flag Smashers. They’re stealing medicine and weapons and distributing them to people that have been displaced from the blip. We think they’ve taken a dose of the serum.” “Where would they have even gotten any?? Wasn’t the bit that HYDRA had the last of it?” “That we aren't sure about.”

You had just walked into your apartment when your phone began ringing. Glancing down, you saw Sam’s name across the screen. What the hell? “Sam?” “Hey Y/n. You need to get down to the police station. They arrested Bucky.” “They WHAT??! I’m on my way!” After quickly locking your door, you ran down to your car.

The doors to the station flung open as you stormed in, looking for Sam. He stood as he saw you and pulled you to a seat to explain what happened. “Sam why did they even stop? You were just talking!” Sam looked at his feet and then to you. “Y/n. You know why they stopped. Once they realized who Bucky was, they said they had a warrant out because he had missed therapy.” Before you could speak a woman’s voice came from behind you, “Sam? Y/n?” The two of you turned to face the woman as she stuck out her hand in an introduction. “I’m Dr. Raynor, Bucky’s therapist. I’ve heard a lot about the two of you.” You shook her hand as Sam nodded shortly, “Thank you for bailing him out Dr. Raynor.” “Me? I thought you did!” The three of you looked at each other confused, until you heard cameras snapping. “Oh please no..” You groaned, already becoming agitated and defensive. “You’re welcome sweetheart.” You looked up at John Walker, resisting the urge to spit on him or beat him. Sam stepped closer to you in an attempt to shield you from him. “Why did you bail him Walker?” “He’s an asset. We need him out in the field more than he needs to be in here or in therapy.” Sam tightened his grip on your arm as your eyes flashed with anger and you lunged towards him. “You motherfuc—“ A cold hand came down on your shoulder before you could finish your sentence and you looked up to see Bucky. “He’s not worth being arrested doll.” You looked up at Bucky, wanting to protest, but decided against it. “You need to leave before I decide that he’s wrong.” John laughed as he and Lamar began walking outside, “I’ll see you three outside. We need to talk.”

Dr. Raynor pulled Sam and Bucky towards an interrogation room, and motioned for you to follow, “We’re having a session. Now.” The chairs scraped across the hard floor as they were pulled closer together. “Who’s going first?” Bucky rolled his eyes as he looked at the ceiling, and Sam huffed, crossing his arms. “This is a waste of time Doc.” “I’ll go Dr. Raynor.” Barely coming out as a whisper, but your voice still bounced off the walls. Your eyes moved from the floor to Bucky, “What have I done to you Buck? We were so close..But you stopped talking to me. You completely dropped me, and then expected me to just come back to you with open arms. I don’t know what I did to make you so mad.” He looked to you and then Sam and scoffed. “Yea I left. What was I supposed to do? Steve left. Why wouldn’t you leave too?” Your jaw dropped and you laughed before you could stop yourself. “Are you kidding me Bucky? You really shut me out because you thought I’d leave you the same way Steve did?? You KNEW how much I loved you and how much I needed you. I would have done ANYTHING for you James.” Bucky looked at his boots, ashamed to look at you. “You weren’t the only one hurting Bucky. And just to remind you in case you forgot, we were together before you up and left. Then I find out from Sam that you’re DATING. So not only did you leave Sam and I as friends and ghost us both, you left me as a partner.” At this point your voice was becoming strained and soft and tears began to stream down your cheeks. Sam reached for your hand and gave it a squeeze, knowing how badly you had been hurting. Bucky looked at you, tears brimming, but not spilling. His mouth opened, then closed multiple times, not knowing what to say. He turned to Sam, unable to process his emotions for you at the moment. “Why did you give up the shield Sam?” “Why are you concerned about things that have nothing to do with you?” “Steve trusted you. He gave you that shield because he believed in you.” Anger began to flood his already strained voice as he leaned forward towards Sam, but gripping the armrest of the chair, trying to hold himself back. “And what if he was wrong about you? If he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about ME!” A single tear rolled down his face as he sat back in his chair, face going dark. Sam rolled his eyes and stood, “I’ll see the two of you outside.” When Bucky went to stand Dr. Raynor stopped him. “You may have had some sort of closure with Sam, but this hasn’t even been addressed. You have caused Miss. Y/l/n a lot of stress. You are going to talk to her before you leave this room.” Bucky looked over at you. You were holding your hands in your lap, staring at your feet, looking absolutely defeated. His heart broke a little seeing you so upset; he hadn’t seen you this upset in a very long time. “Y/n..I…” He tried to speak, but didn’t know what to say. Knowing that there was nothing he could say to make things better, he walked to you and kneeled in front of you. “Please Y/n, just look at me.” Hearing his soft voice, you looked up, still trying to avoid his piercing eyes. “Please.” You finally made eye contact, and almost broke again. “Doll, I know there’s nothing I can say to make what I did better. I know I fucked up. But..Sweetheart I did what I thought would be better for you. I didn’t want you to have to deal with me, to deal with this life.” Your eyes flashed as you stood. “That was a decision that you should have let me make James. I want you. I want this life. That was my decision to make, and you took it from me!” “I know..I know..” His voice was soft, sad. Tears streamed down both of your faces, and you dropped to your knees in front of him. “Stop taking care of me Buck. Let me take care of you for once. You’ve been through so much. Please.” Strong arms grasped your waist, holding you so tight that you thought they would squeeze the life right out of you. Turning to Dr. Raynor, you silently thanked her for the talk that you and Bucky so desperately had needed, then pulled him to his feet.

“Alright Sam, we’re ready, let’s go.” Red and blue lights flashed as you exited the police station. “So, how are we going to tackle this problem?” John Walker’s smug voice carried down the sidewalk to you. “Please tell me I don’t have to work with this dick again.” Bucky mumbled under his breath, “Not if I can help it.” With an undeserved confident strut, Walker made his way to you. “If we divide ourselves, we don't stand a chance. It would be an honor to work with you two. And an absolute pleasure to watch this pretty thing in action again.” A sick feeling bubbled in the pit of your stomach, and you involuntarily gagged, making Walker’s jaw drop. “Do you even know where they are Walker?” “Well. I. Well not right now, but it won’t take long for us to find them.” Walker’s voice raised and became harsher the more flustered he became. A smirk was plastered across your face, enjoying watching the man squirm when he was asked anything. Bucky placed his warm hand on the small of your back, beginning to guide you away as Sam spoke. “We don’t have to go through all of the hoops that you do Walker. We’re free agents, and besides, we actually know what the hell we’re doing.” As the words left Sam’s mouth, you stopped in your tracks and turned to see how John would react, knowing that it would be a good show. You watched as his eyes lit up with anger. “If you're not going to work with us Wilson, then a little piece of advice. Stay the hell out of my way.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #fluff #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fanfiction #sam wilson #mcu #captain america #john walker #lamar hoskins #tfaws #the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws spoilers #episode 2 #the star spangled man

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curioussubjects · 4 years

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come be a season 12 truther, baby, with me

In honor of tonight’s Berens/Glynn episode (!!!!), I’d like to take y’all on a magical journey in which I share why I think Dean and Cas got together in season 12.

Keep in mind that this post takes for granted that Dean and Cas are in love with each other and that their relationship has been increasingly coded as romantic with each passing season. Consequently, what this post does is point out some key moments in their relationship and argue why they don't get together before 12. I'll also go briefly over 13 and 14 for reasons I'll explain later in the post. First, though, let me go over seasons 4 through 11, with some pit stops along the way:

Seasons 4 & 5: this isn’t the destiel you are looking for. the ust is delicious, yes, and i, too, got sucked in posthaste immediately groped by an angel lj community style. At this point Cas is still too alien for anything beyond the development we see on screen happen. HOWEVER, season 5 is the first time we get to see Cas being human (The End) and Cas being less connected to heaven and how that affects his behavior. This will matter.

Seasons 6 & 7: the pining omg the pining. The notable things I want to point out with these seasons is a. this is the beginning of Cas doing things to spare Dean and it not ending well (Cas dies #1, soulless!Sam); b. Dean is v. sad; and c. we also start noticing the emotional toll of Cas’s divided loyalties and how human he has actually become since s4. Hurty feels all around.

Season 8: purgaytory babes aw yeah! Still lots of terrible awful pining. This is a turning point with the addition of the bunker as tfw hq: we have a home in play now, a static emotional center. Cas is still off doing his own thing, Dean still wishes Cas would just let him (+ Sam) help out. Cas going off on his own leads to disaster #2 (Angels fall, Cas loses his Grace). For all deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much of a gap between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 & slaughtering angels & leviathan. On the other hand, we do see Dean being more emotionally open, but to no avail. Bad timing. This is a trend. [oop also worth noting we get Dean being kinda done with the one night stand thing because always with the adios and ahem also hint hint Cas refusing to stay put]

Seasons 9 & 10: aka Dean and Cas make bad decisions, but mostly Dean. The biggest turning point here is Cas being human for an extended period of time. There is still plenty of spec over the effects of being human on Cas’s Grace and his Soul. What we can say for sure, though, is that Cas is much more human once he becomes an angel again. In contrast to s8, s9 sees Cas being vulnerable and Dean pushing him away (first because of Gadreel, which he didn’t want to do really and that’s even sadder kdjfgksdfj & later because he was pushing everyone away due to the mark).

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait: there’s been so much amazing fic and spec about this episode with its fanfiction gap, but I can’t see a deancas get together here, folks. I know, it’s terrible. The lying from Dean and the hurt from Cas, imo, make the distance between them quite insurmountable at this point. While the episode is amazing (Bobo’s debut, too! So ♥) and has some notorious subtext throughout, I just can’t see the character bridging that gap into anything physical, much less emotional. Nevertheless, this episode does show perhaps the first intentional romantic tableaux with Dean and Cas, and that’s not nothing.

10.16 Paint it Black: from the point Dean gets the mark of cain until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible. But one of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. For one, it’s a rare bit of emotional honesty from Dean and for two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the thing between them, it’s still uncharted waters. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6. Anyway, he’s the full confession, so we can put a pin on it:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. [...] Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. [...] Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more, which all culminates in season 11, so...

Season 11: The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Luci (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems and by the end of the season we’re getting a clean slate. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. What this season does that is also super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible.

11.04 Baby: Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? The convo between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development in on of the things Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That's awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we're lucky we still get that at all. SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Compare this exchange with what we get from 11.11 and 11.19:

11.11 Into the Mystic: I’m bringing this episode as a crossreference to 10.16 and to show again that for all the closeness between Dean and Cas there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin'...If there's one thing I've learned in all my years on the road, it's when somebody's pining for somebody else. [...] Oh, don't try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters: Continuing our trek regarding Dean wanting certain things we have this gift of an episode with Jesse and Cesar, and this exchange:

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13.

Alright, now having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point in retrospect, after getting smacked by the domesticity of 13 and 14. Under the cut because I can’t shut up, and things are long enough as is.

Season 12: Finally, the promise land, y’all. So, what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. Important to keep in mind that until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala.

12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim).

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You): Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it.

Offscreen happenings: Mixtape, how Cas knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow. This is hella suspicious.

12.19 The Future: This episode changes everything, y’all (bobo and meredith, folks, bobo and meredith ksjdhfakjshlfksd). Consider watching this episode again and pay attention to some weird things: 1. Dean’s reaction to Cas going awol. Compare it to Sam’s, who is like whoa Dean chill. Now, thought experiment, imagine something happened between Dean and Cas, and then just radio silence from Cas. Imagine how Dean would react with getting ghosted by Cas specifically after something happened between them. 2. Cas comes back to the bunker with the specific goal of stealing the Colt, which he already knew was under Dean’s pillow -- something Sam didn’t even know. 3. “He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But Cas clearly knew where the Colt was already, which means something happened before Cas came back to the bunker. Cas played Dean in seeming to have reconsidered not working with Sam and Dean wrt Kelly. This is still a point of drama, but it leads somewhere else (see s13 & s15). 4. WHEN DID DEAN GIVE CAS THAT MIXTAPE OMG 5. Dean and Cas’s brief convo in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together -- because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth.

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him -- Dean is clearly shook by it -- Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) -- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow -- ???? -- Cas goes awol -- Dean acts like he got ghosted by his partner.

Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But ymmv, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication.

Ok, maybe the narrative is still too subtle (?????), but as I said before, looking at 12 with the knowledge of 13 and 14 does offer a new perspective because of the difference in dynamic between Dean and Cas. I know lots of people look at 14, mainly, as having dialed back on the destiel side of things, but I always thought that was a strange take. Largely because they’re so domestic and their dynamic, ie, the lack of tension, reads like an established relationship. It’s a different kind of beast than we have been used to so far, so it does look alien on screen, especially since we “skipped” the conventional getting together cue that would let us change gears. Let’s take a look at 13 and 14, then.

Season 13: Ah, yes, the season of shit gets domestic. The pining? Gone? What? Deancas now reading like an established couple? It’s more likely than you think.

13.1-13.5: Dean’s grief mini-arc. Dude’s acting like a widower. We all know this. I want to gesture towards the reunion moment though with “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying.

13.6 Tombstone: hi this episode is pure love and Dean is so happy his sweetheart is back from the dead? He’s even ok being Jack’s third dad now? What a time to be alive. Also? apparently Dean and Cas were just having movie night together? Dates? Mutual Pining dates prior to shit going to hell in 12? Do you ever cry? What else are they getting up to offscreen? What else will they get up to off screen? MUCH TO THINK ABOUT.

Season 14: MORE DOMESTICITY. With some pining because Michael. But...heart eyes when Dean comes back? Watch that scene again with Dean going off to shower. Suspicious. But then shit hits the fan and we’re all sad again. boo.

14.15 Peace of Mind: Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t coupley asf.

14.18-14.20: Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established issue between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here; he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? Divorce arc was entirely too literal.

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will they or won’t they because they already have. The tension is instead will they or won’t they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. There’s a crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned TWELVE FRIGGIN’ EPISODES. Y’all. Y’all that’s half a season. And we’re not even entirely done with it yet because Dean was cut short in purgatory, and they haven’t dealt with Cas’s side of blame in this mess yet either -- that Cas keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. And, you know, that’s a whole lot more exciting than witnessing their for realsies first kiss. I’m also confident Dabb & co will deliver the conclusion to this emotional arc and it will be a whole mess of feelings on all our parts.

For the moment, though, it’s looking a lot like Dean and Cas had a rocky start to their ~involvement, then DEATH, then they got together feat. sweet sweet domestic fluff, then DIVORCE. So, yeah. Season 12, guys; it’s where it’s at.

As for the more performative aspect of Dean and Cas’s relationship…that’s a whole other thing and all I can say is they got the green light for something, but I don’t know what it is and it’s driving me bananas, but it’s definitely something and we can talk about that, too. Place your bets, etc. I’m clowning on the “I love you” pay off because it’s a glaring missing piece in this whole story. See also: holding hands? Carving Cas’s initials on the table? Saileen endgame parallels? All supported by the narrative. Like a lot. So. *finger guns*

#destiel #deancas #supernatural #dean winchester #castiel #spn #spn meta #my writing #one day i'll title my posts after things that aren't questionable songs #but today is not that day #this post has strong ship manifesto from the late 00's vibes #i miss those things they were handy

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satan-chillin · 4 years

Text

Fair Game

(Chapter 1/2)

Summary: Sam and Dean encountered a completely different version of themselves. An AU of Episode S15E13 "Destiny's Child".

Pairings: Destiel & Samwena/Samwitch

Rating: T

Also available in Ao3

The heavy and ornate mahogany doors opened at exactly 12:30 in the evening and came in a couple dressed handsomely, their cheeks streaked with redness from one too many flutes of champagne from the evening celebration they came from.

“Remind me not to wear this outfit again,” the man muttered. He wasn’t one to normally voice his complaint, thinking he would sound whiny, but it seemed that the alcohol was loosening up his tongue. “I look ridiculous in purple. Like… Like Barney.”

The woman raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you seriously comparing yourself with a purple dinosaur?” Her sigh was fond. “You should have seen yourself in the mirror, dear.”

“I mean, I did? While you were helping me with the pocket square.” He idly touched the handkerchief. “I don’t know. I thought it’ll be nice, but, er, I might have stood out too much earlier.”

“And that’s a bad thing? To stand out on your own book signing event?” the woman snorted. “Honestly, you’re the only person I know who doesn’t want the spotlight even if he earned that right.”

The man shrugged. “That's me.”

“Aye. I know you too well.” The woman walked closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I know as well that you deserve everyone’s attention the most, you humble giant.”

With their difference in height, she has to tiptoe to peck his cheek, though the man eagerly met her halfway to give her an eskimo kiss in return, making her giggle a little uncharacteristically.

It only served to make her endearing to him.

“Thank you, though, for helping me pick,” he said earnestly. He let his hands stay on her slim waist, nuzzling the top of her head affectionately. “Should I get used to this from now on?”

“Well,” she began, patting his chest teasingly. “If you haven’t realized it yet that I’m gradually improving your wardrobe, then you’re not paying attention, dear.” She smirked at his mild indignation and pulled herself from his hold. “Although, if I have to choose,” she made a show of running her eyes from his head to toe, “My favorite will always be getting you out of your clothes.”

The man went red from root to tips, much to the woman’s utter amusement.

“Come join me upstairs if you’re willing to let me do so tonight,” she said, flicking her long red hair over an exposed milky shoulder. She walked up the stairs, sashaying her hips, knowing full well that the man's eyes followed her and the sway of her lacy black dress that seemingly molded itself with her curves.

As the man stood there dreamily and thinking what a damn lucky man he was to have someone so beautiful not only on the outside but also on the inside, someone who understood all his quirks and accepted him for what he was, he couldn't help but finger the small velvet box he was keeping inside his pocket.

Tonight, he promised himself. He would ask the big question tonight.

He could have done it during tonight's event, but then again he wasn't really into big gestures. He was in his element in moments where it was quiet with just the two of them sharing a blanket of comfortable silence.

Well, springing out the question right before he was about to get sex was not the romantic scene he was aiming for either, but… anymore prolonging and he would butcher this one out.

He knew her and been together with her for three years now, and yet he found his hands shaking and sweaty in nervousness. She loved him back, of that he was sure of, but what if she didn't want the same? Would she think that they were moving too fast? He didn't want her to think that he would limit her freedom and independence once they were legally bound together.

The man was roused out from his thoughts when a black mass of fur rubbed itself against his leg. He picked up the cat and scratched it behind the ear.

"Do you think your mom will say yes, Merlin?" the man asked anxiously.

Merlin merely purred in response at the attention it was getting, closing his eyes in bliss. The man humored him for a bit if only to delay a rejection he could possibly get.

Oh, god, I'm being a coward, he thought. An indecisive coward.

Merlin perked his head up and stared at the man. The cat seemed to agree with him, he thought gloomily.

The cat jumped back to the ground, sniffing the air and looking around. The man watched Merlin's odd movements before he broke into a run to the kitchen and out in the back. Puzzled at Merlin's sudden bolting, the man followed the cat sedately to the backyard.

"Merlin?" he called when he heard a loud and almost incessant yowl from the cat. Must have scented a prey, he thought.

And upon walking out to follow, what greeted him was…

A line.

The man stared, stupefied. Line was putting it mildly. It was glowing in an orange hue, for god's sake! It was floating, he supposed, like a tear of some sort in the middle of—he didn't know, space, maybe?

"What the hell?"

Merlin continued to yowl on the ground, encircling the line. If the man didn't know better, he'd say that the cat was excited at the discovery, like it was just handed a new toy. Merlin's pupils were round, illuminated by the reflection of the orange light. He looked up in wonder and awe.

It was unnatural, indescribable by words—and the man has plenty of those—yet his hand itched to reach out, to touch and see how it would feel.

Curiosity killed the cat, they said, though in this case, its victim was the man instead.

"No, Samuel, don't!"

The last thing he heard was Rowena's warning that came a little too late.

***

Dean woke with a pounding headache.

He groaned, sitting up from the cold hard floor and…

Where in the world was he?

Dean looked around his surroundings wildly and noticed that not far from him was someone lying face down and—God, the guy wasn’t dead, was he?

He was saved from the trouble of checking for a pulse when the man twitched and shifted on his back, groaning aloud and blinking awake before shooting up in a sitting position and finally noticing Dean.

“You too, huh?” Dean said.

“What?” the man asked. “What do you mean by that? Where are we?”

“My guess is as good as yours, man. I just woke up a minute earlier.”

The man made a move to stand, straightening on his feet. He was tall, and Dean himself was tall. Dean respectfully didn’t take note of the atrocious purple suit and the hideous man-bun that got messed up.

Just when Dean was having the impression that the man was posh with the getup and all, he approached Dean and stooped down to lend him a hand. Dean thanked him, patting away the dirt from his coat.

He got a better look of the area once he was standing and woah, the number of vintage cars he could see everywhere should be enough to trigger some kind of familiarity; it didn’t. They seemed to be in some kind of a large, rich man’s garage.

“Battery’s dead,” he heard the man mutter while tapping on his phone.

Dean checked his. “Mine too.”

His watch was ticking at 7:42 PM, and the last time he checked it had been somewhere around 11:30 PM. Dean couldn’t believe he was out cold for almost a day. Whatever tranq they administer to him, it must have been enough to knock out at least a baby elephant.

“Are we kidnapped or something?” he asked aloud, mostly to himself.

The man ran his hand through his hair, his loose man-bun gone. “It’s what I think as well but the lack of bindings and the presence of a kidnapper suggest otherwise.”

“Or this is some kind of Saw shit,” Dean suggested. At the man’s puzzled expression, Dean waved his hand. “Nothing. It’s a bad joke.”

“Are you alright, at least? No injuries on you?” the man asked.

“Headache from waking up that’s ebbing away, thankfully,” Dean answered honestly. “Other than that, nothing that I know or can feel on me. You?”

“Mild headache. Nothing more,” the man said. He closed his eyes briefly. “Um, I know this is a weird situation we find ourselves in, but if we’re going to work together, might as well get to know each other’s names.” He extended out his hand. “I’m Sam.”

“Dean.” Dean shook the hand. “Dean Winchester-Novak,” he said fully before he could hold himself back. Force of habit.

Sam frowned. “Winchester?” He smiled amiably. “Are you the Winchester one? Because my name is Sam Winchester.”

“Seriously? Yeah, I’m the Winchester. What are we, some kind of distant relatives?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. Lots of Winchesters in the States alone, but, yeah, that’s some coincidence.”

“I don’t know, man. It’s interesting to find out. Sucks it’s this way, though,” Dean said regretfully. He spotted a door at the far end of the garage. “Think that one’s locked?”

Sam followed his line of sight, deep in thought. “Only one way to find out.”

Apprehensively, they approached the door. Dean kept his eye open for any traps because you’d never know; better be prepared, right? There weren't any visible cameras that he could see at a glance so there was that.

Dean twisted the knob, half-expecting an explosion or poison spikes or whatever this possibly rigged doorknob could release.

Nothing came.

Sam peered at the long hallway ahead and gave an all-clear sign. Tentatively, they exited the garage and traversed the corridor whilst frequently looking behind their backs. It was eerily quiet and a bit dark, and it felt like they were actually the one trespassing in someone else’s property. It was ridiculous.

There was another long hallway when they turned at the bend, though this time there was a light at the far end of it. Cautiously, they approached the room, a little emboldened since they haven't encountered anyone or anything so far, and noticed that it was a kitchen with a man standing there, his back turned as he prepared coffee.

When the man turned around, Dean couldn't keep down his relief. "Cas," he said with a wide grin and rushed to meet him in a tight embrace.

Cas was taken aback, a deep frown etched on his face and was about to ask when Dean had beaten him to it.

"Cas, what's going on? Where are we? I woke up in the garage of this place with Sam here. Oh, yeah, this is Sam. Sam Winchester—can you believe it?" The words rushed out of Dean. "Sam, this is Castiel Novak. Cas for short. He's my husband."

"I'm your what?"

Sam genially extended a hand in which Cas shook dumbly. "Nice to meet you, Cas."

Cas glanced confusedly between Sam and Dean, studying them carefully as if trying to figure them both, particularly the one they were wearing. "I don't understand. Is this what you call a prank?"

"What? What you mean pra—"

"Hey, Cas, you done there?" came a male voice from outside. "We're just—"

Sam and Dean turned to the source of the voice and found two men standing there.

Two men who have their faces.

What the hell.

***

“This is like The Invasion of the Body Snatchers, isn’t it?” Cas heard the other Dean say.

“What part of the alternate universe you don’t understand?” Dean retorted. “You and the Sam here with you are our alternate versions.”

“I think it’s like in the comic books,” Sam in the purple suit said. “For example, Peter Parker is the Spider-Man in his world but there’s another world where it’s his girlfriend Gwen Stacy who’s the Spider-Woman instead.” At the blank stare he got from the other three, he sheepishly added, “It’s a popular thing in our world. I used to be a fan when I was a kid—which isn’t the point, right.” He cleared his throat. “So. You said that you’re our counterparts, and you two are brothers?”

“Yeah,” Sam said. “Aren’t you?”

“We just met today, actually. I think Dean here is from another separate world that is not from where I came from.”

"Alright, stop. This is going to be confusing. I am Dean, and my brother here is Sam. Other Sam, we're calling you Sammy. Other me, you're Squirrel."

"Why am I called Squirrel?"

"I didn't make the rules."

"You just did."

"Dean," Sam interrupted with a sigh. "Sorry. Is Deanno fine by you?"

"That's much better."

"Yeah, you look like a 'Deanno'." Dean snickered.

Sam leveled his brother a stare.

"What's the deal with you two, anyway?" Deanno asked, ignoring Dean. He gestured around himself. "Like, is it your family's thing to kidnap your counterparts?"

"What? No. No one's kidnapping anyone," Sam defended. “Look, like you, we honestly don’t know how you got here either. What’s the last thing you remember before waking up?”

“I was driving home from an event,” Deanno recalled. “I might have stopped on the road. It was, uh—I thought I saw something.”

“Saw what?”

“Wait,” Sammy cut in. “That thing you saw… It didn’t happen to be a line, right? Like a tear in space or something.”

Deanno snapped his fingers. “Yes! That was it. Big orange line thingy!”

Sam and Dean shared a look.

“It was a rift,” Cas spoke for the first time. “You two encountered rifts in space, portals to another world which is… here.”

“What happened on our side then? Did it remain open?” Sammy asked Cas.

“I checked the garage. There are no rifts open there. It’s safe to assume both are closed,” Cas answered.

“That’s good.” Sammy sighed in relief. “I mean, my girlfriend’s probably worried to death after she saw me touching the rift, but at least she didn’t follow and possibly landed somewhere.”

“And my husband’s bound to be doing the same by now after I left a voicemail I was on my way home and did not arrive.” Deanno rubbed his face. “Fuck.”

“Woah, wait, husband?” Dean reacted.

Deanno gestured at Cas. “Yeah, him.”

Dean whirled incredulously at Cas. “Hey, Cas is nobody’s husband!”

“Well, not him exactly, but my husband’s name is Castiel Novak. I suppose he’s my Cas’s counterpart then.” Deanno addressed Cas. “But are you really not my Cas? ‘Cause I have to say, you got his character from that adorably confused frown and the trenchcoat.”

Cas didn’t know what to make of the wink sent his way.

“Can you not—he’s not your Cas, alright? For one thing, he’s a freaking angel.”

“So? My husband is too! He’s a saint!”

“I think Dean means to say that I am a literal angel,” Cas put in. “Which I am. I am an angel of the Lord.”

“Oh,” Deanno said. “My Cas is a theology professor. He’s very much human except in bed—”

“Dude, TMI!”

Hm. It seemed that his alternate self has quite a prowess in copulation, Cas mused. Interesting.

Sammy looked like he was embarrassed to be acquainted with the other Dean while Sam wasn’t sure whether to cringe or laugh. Cas believed it was the latter given that Sam was hiding his sniggering behind his fist.

“Okay, enough of that,” Sam said, thankfully. “I think it’s safe to assume that you two are our non-hunter versions.”

“Is that what you do? Hunting?” Sammy asked. “Like professional deer-hunters?”

“Uh, no. Dean and I are hunters of the supernatural. This place is more or less our home and headquarters.”

“You hunt supernatural creatures like vampires and werewolves?”

Sam nodded. He was thoughtful for a second. “You don’t… Have you ever encountered any supernatural in your world?”

“No,” Sammy said, eyes wide in awe. “Your job—I thought that’s only something I’ll read in books or watch in films. It sounds exciting!”

“It’s dangerous,” Sam told him. “We also lost our family and some friends in our line of work.”

“Oh.” Sammy’s face fell. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound insensitive. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you. It’s already quite some time now. Doesn’t mean it’s no longer painful though,” Sam said, smiling tightly. A somber mood fell on them. “How about you? Lawyer?”

“Ah, no. I thought about continuing to law before and realized that if I did, I would have plenty of lives on my hands in that line of career. I didn’t think I could handle that kind of responsibility,” Sammy said wryly. “I took creative writing instead, and now I’m a book writer with a few books under my belt.” He chuckled shyly.

“It’s not something I saw myself as, but I’m happy for you,” Sam said genuinely.

“What about you, Deanno, what do you do?” Dean asked.

“I own a small business,” Deannos said vaguely. “I used to be a car mechanic.”

“What kind of business?”

“The car manufacturing kind.”

“That’s far from a small business,” Dean deadpanned. “We get it, you two are our rich selves. We can handle the bragging.”

“Are you kidding me?” Deanno snorted. “Okay, so maybe we pride ourselves in being successful, but we work hard to get to it. The same way you apparently do as well, except you two put your lives on high risk every single time. Now, I don’t know how much hunters get paid for, but I think your jobs are nothing on us.”

Sam fell silent while Dean looked startled before catching himself and settling for appearing chastised instead.

“I guess you’re not so bad,” Dean muttered. He knocked on the table. “So what now?”

“You got beer?” Deanno asked.

“We do.”

Cas watched the four of them file back to the kitchen, smiling a little as he followed them sedately.

The tension was finally diffused. Now, on to the solution to get the two home.

***

Sammy almost forgot the small box in his pocket.

He pulled it out and opened it. The ring remained safely settled within. He pocketed it with a sigh. Sam and Dean and Cas were good people—like men from fiction but good people nonetheless. Sammy’s imaginative brain that thrived on fantasies for future story plots couldn’t help but drink in all the knowledge Sam shared with him about this world. It was amazing, the elements of it all, from the creatures that existed aside from the humans and to the magic and beings that governed this universe.

Okay, so God being their present enemy was concerning, but still.

He would have thought that he was dreaming, but a pinch on his arm said otherwise. It occurred to Sammy he was probably the first man to discover the truth of the theory on Multiverse. He was exactly living a comic book or a fictional storyline right now. It was a paradise for a writer like him!

And yet… And yet he just wanted to go home to Merlin and to Rowena.

“Oh, wow,” Sam suddenly said. Sammy noticed him looking at his pocket.

“It’s, um... I was actually planning to ask the big question before I arrived here,” Sammy told him. He sat comfortably in his borrowed clothes (the choices were flannels of varying colors, not that he minded) across Sam who poured two cups of coffee, one for each of them. “Thank you. I’m not really a heavy drinker. I’m a lightweight.”

“Somehow, I can see that,” Sam said with a grin. “I drink moderately unlike Dean. He’s not hearing me whenever I say we’re not getting any younger.”

Sammy chuckled. He was an only child himself, but he thought that if he had an older brother he would either be like Deanno or Dean. There would be no in-between.

“How long have you been together?” Sam asked. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Three years,” Sammy said fondly. “We’re already living together and have a cat.” He glanced down on his drink. "I miss them, but to be honest, I don't know how to pop the question when I come back."

"I don't think there's a formula on how," Sam offered sympathetically. "It's not easy, but if you already made up your mind to ask, then it should come to you naturally."

"Thank you," Sammy replied sincerely. "If my Dad is still around, I would've asked him for advice. Bobby was helpful with this kind of thing."

Sam perked up in surprise. "Your Dad is Bobby Singer?"

"Pretty much. My real Dad, John, died of a heart attack when I was six months old. Bobby was a family friend and raised me with his wife, Karen, and my mother, Mary. It sounded weird but they made it work between themselves," Sammy told him. “Bobby was the one who got me into books, mostly sci-fi, fantasy, and mythology. That might have influenced me into being a writer as well.”

“Bobby, huh? We had a Bobby Singer too, and like yours, he was our surrogate dad. He died eight years ago, and John five years before him,” Sam shared. “Mom’s case was a bit complicated. She died when I was six months old and got resurrected four years ago and died again last year.” Sam’s mouth twitched into a smile. “I told you, it’s complicated.”

“I shouldn’t be surprised by now,” Sammy murmured. “I know I’m only saying this because I don’t live here, but the writer side of me actually finds this world fascinating already based on what you told me so far. It’s like there’s an itch in me to explore this world.”

“I understand,” Sam said. “It’s not the safest place, but I love it. This is our world, and it has seen a lot of close calls in the last few years, but this is home, you know? Dean and I don’t see ourselves wanting to replace it with a better one, a more normal one. It’s funny because I used to think it hated us with everything life had thrown us so far. Then you find out that it’s not the world or life, but it’s God himself.”

Sammy nodded solemnly. “And I can’t believe I’m saying this but I don’t doubt that you’ll give God hell.” Sam's expression lightened. “I’m lucky to lead a different life because if I’m in your shoes, I don’t think I can have the same lifestyle as you do. Frankly, the brave one between my girlfriend and me is her. She’s more decisive and confident, and she’s the kind of independent woman who learns and moves on easily from her mistakes. It’s the main reason why I’m uncertain to ask her to marry me. What if she doesn’t want to be tied down? Or, say that it’s fine by her, but is it okay if it’s with me? I’m not like her or you, Sam. I honestly still think she could have done better.”

“But you’ll never know if you don’t ask her,” Sam reasoned. “You can’t let your insecurity eat you from within. It sounds to me that you two are fine in terms of communication. Maybe you can open this up to her as well.”

Sam, who was fully aware that he couldn’t hold a decent length of relationship with a woman without his life as a hunter hindering it, couldn’t believe that he was hearing himself giving advice in romance. To another version of himself even. Strange times.

“Is it Jessica?” Sam decided to ask; he was curious, sue him. “It’s ages ago since I’ve been in a committed relationship myself, but Jessica is the last woman I saw myself having a future with.”

Sammy frowned. “It’s not her, though I recall knowing a Jessica back in college.” He reached for his wallet to show a picture of Rowena. “Actually, her name is—”

The bunker’s siren suddenly blared, and the kitchen was illuminated by the warning red lights that darkened the room and lit the hallways.

“What’s going on?” Sammy asked when he stood abruptly with Sam.

“It’s the bunker’s alarm,” Sam told him, pulling out a gun from his waist. “Stay close to me. I think we got an intruder.”

***

Deanno whistled at the impala. “This is your ride? Sweet.”

“That’s my Baby.” Dean stood straighter in pride. “Been taking care of her for as long as I remember, even before Dad passed her down to me.”

“Inherited cars are often the most taken care of and loved,” Deanno said factually. “Well, I’ll be damned. I don’t think I’ve seen this kind of model back home. I should propose this.”

“What kind do you drive then?”

“A ‘78 Lincoln,” Deanno said, much to Dean’s utter distaste. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. My husband chose it.”

“That’s equivalent to Cas’s pimpmobile.”

Deanno laughed. “Pimpmobile is the endearment we have for it, alright. What can I say? It’s reliable. And at least it ain’t a Fiat.”

Dean was inclined to agree with the last one. He wouldn’t be caught with a ten-foot pole with that vehicle.

“Everything in here belongs to you, your brother, and Cas then?” Deanno gestured at the other cars.

“They’re all here when we inherited the place,” Dean told him. “We use them as spares.”

“And you call me rich.”

“You’re the one with a large business.”

“We expanded just recently,” Deanno allowed. “But we’re not there with the big players yet.”

Dean grunted. Business wasn’t a forte of his, though that was largely because he never bothered to find out. Who knows?

Deanno was fine, Dean supposed; a little uncharacteristic for Dean to consider him another self but then again their circumstances were vastly different too.

On their way back inside, Deanno told him that he was raised by Mary after John died in a car accident. Mary was a handy woman who learned the rudimentary of car mechanics after John passed and left the startup company he had invested in. It had been a rocky start for both the family and the business, but with some help from friends like Bobby and his wife, Jody, they managed to make it into a stable business.

Deanno was put in college, initially for a degree in mechanical engineering until he had thought long and hard and went for business administration with a major in marketing instead. He said that it was the best decision he made since that was also how he met Cas after a series of girlfriends and random hookups.

“Right,” Dean said flatly. “Your husband.”

“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal to you, Dean,” Deanno said seriously. “This is not homophobia, is it?”

“Of course not,” Dean replied shortly. No, it wasn’t that at all.

“Then what is it?”

He was spared the chance to answer when Jack walked in the war room, staring between the two Deans that he was seeing. Cas was close behind him, nodding at them.

“Hello,” Jack greeted them indifferently.

“I explained to Jack the situation,” Cas said. “He wanted to help but Billie specifically told him not to use his powers.”

“But we can still look for an alternative to bring you and the other Sam to your respective worlds,” Jack said. “Although it might take some time.”

“Not like we have a choice, right?” Deanno smiled wryly. “Don’t sweat yourself, kid.”

“I’ll be talking to Billie for the next step,” Jack told them, excusing himself. “Later.”

“I’ll come with Jack,” Cas said. “If you need me, simply knock on Jack’s door.”

"Sure, Cas," Deanno replied on behalf of Dean. He mock-saluted, grinning from ear to ear as he watched Jack and Cas go. "We'll be here too if you need anything," he hollered after them.

"Can you stop doing that?"

"Doing what?" Deanno asked innocently.

"That." At Deanno's straight face and the raised eyebrow, Dean elaborated, "The flirting."

Deanno snorted. "C'mon. All in good fun."

"You have a husband."

"And I'm flirting with someone who's technically him but an actual angel." Deanno paused to consider for a moment. "Wait. Is that why?" A smirk formed on his lips. "You're jealous."

"I most certainly am not," Dean said a little too quickly.

"See, that's the thing. You won't be doing that if you already bagged him," Deanno pointed out pityingly.

"Alright. That's it. No more of this topic."

"Eh. Fine by me," Deanno allowed easily. "So who's Jack?"

"It's a long story."

"You can summarize," he suggested.

Dean sighed tersely. He should get this out of the way. "He's Lucifer's son biologically. Cas is the Dad he recognizes," he said gruffly. "He's half-human and half-archangel, and he doesn't have a soul right now."

"Oh."

"Yep. That's our lives."

"Yeah. Sorry man, I won't be touching that subject too much," Deanno muttered. "I just thought the kid is yours and Cas's."

"Cas's, not mine," Dean reminded him tersely.

"No, like, Jack was from both you and him."

"What?" Dean exclaimed once he understood what Deanno was implying. "Where in the world are you getting these ideas?"

"Hey, now. You're the one who said he's an angel."

Dean wanted to bleach his mind when it began forming a certain image. "Jesus Christ. Cas is a guy! And he's wearing a male vessel!"

"How about angel magic?"

"Angel mag—" At this point, Dean believed that Deanno was sent to make his day even more difficult. "Okay. If that is even friggin’ possible, Cas and I are not together that way.”

“Why not, Dean?”

“He’s my best friend.”

“Weak argument. My Cas is also my best friend. What’s your better excuse?”

“How about: this is a different world, with me living a different life with different circumstances,” Dean said a matter-of-factly. “I am not you, Deanno. I am not some kind of business man with a college degree and a peaceful married life where the most exciting thing that happened to him is accidentally jumping in a portal to another world.”

A small empathetic smile was the last thing Dean expected to get. “And doesn’t that tell you something that despite the completely different lives we have, the one thing we have in common is Cas?”

Deanno was right, Dean was aware, and because Deanno was right and his statement was forcing Dean to reexamine things that he didn’t want to in the middle of their crisis right now, Dean was irritated and slowly but surely coming close to being mad.

Fortunately for Dean, he was, once again, saved by the bell. Literally. Or saved by the bunker’s alarm, to be exact.

Red lights fell down in the war room in an instant, alerting both of them. Amidst the siren, there were scuffling noises against metal.

“Dean, what’s that?” Deanno asked cautiously. Dean wasn’t sure if he was asking about the alarm or the sound along with it.

“Shit. Intruder.” Dean reloaded his pistol. He reached for another one and tossed it to Deanno. “Take that. We’re gonna need it.” He gestured for Deanno to stay close.

“I hope not,” he heard Deanno whisper.

“And I hope that we won’t need anything stronger than a gun.”

Dean crept nearby the stairs leading up to the entrance. From his position, he could see no sign of forced entry. He peered upstairs for any movement. Nothing.

Dean was on an even higher alert, the alarm ringing incessantly in his ears. “Let’s go get the others. Something’s wro—”

A huge black mass collided against Dean, sending him skidding across the floor and crashing him against a marble pillar.

“Dean!”

Deanno fired three shots at the… thing that tackled Dean down. It whirled at him, its attention was on him in an instant, growling and ready to pounce.

It was a fucking black panther.

“Take him down, Merlin,” commanded a voice.

Deanno stood frozen at the huge animal lunging towards him. Its weight slammed him down on the floor where his head smacked loudly he swore he saw dark spots on his vision. Deanno fought back against the unconsciousness and was met face-to-face with sharp rows of teeth glistening with saliva and predatory golden eyes that considered Deanno as the prey.

“G-Good kitty,” Deanno attempted. The panther snarled, its breath hot on his face. He decided to shut up instead.

“Where is he?” came above the same voice from before.

Under the red light, Deanno realized that it was a woman in a black dress. Purple lights danced around her hands, poised to attack.

“I won’t ask again, where is Sam Winchester?” said the woman furiously.

“Sam?” Deanno clarified. “You know Sam?”

A loud piercing sound rang within the bunker, so deafening that it broke the lightbulbs and the nearby glasses. It was enough to bring the woman on her knees before she snapped her head upwards, her ears bleeding, and sent a spike of purple lightning to someone above.

Deanno covered his head when plasters and debris fell on him. To his amazement, though, nothing hit him and the weight on his chest lessened.

“Don’t touch him,” warned a different voice, a much familiar one.

Deanno blinked. “Cas?”

“Dean.” Cas—his Cas, Deanno was a hundred percent sure—crouched down to check on him. “Are you alright?”

“I am, but we’ll talk later—look out!”

The warning seemed to be unnecessary when the purple lightning from the woman hit Cas on his back and he didn’t flinch one bit.

“What are you?” the woman hissed. The black panther retreated to her side, snarling ferociously at them.

Cas’s answer was a thin, pointed blade that appeared on his hand in a blink. A flicker of recognition flashed on the woman’s face.

“Impossible,” she growled.

“If that’s what you think,” Cas shot back evenly.

There was a large shadow that loomed above them, forming into the shape of a pair of huge wings that encompassed the vicinity.

“Stop!”

Jack, the kid from earlier, emerged from another part of the room with eyes lit brightly in gold. Cas turned to him with wariness but more so his fascination with the newcomer and the realization as to what Jack was.

There were hurried footsteps that followed, and Deanno didn’t have to look to know who arrived. With the present amount of people, it was bound to be a shitfest.

“Rowena?!”

The woman abruptly stopped, eyes darting past Cas and to the two men who came in. “Sam?” she whispered before confusedly glancing between the two Sam Winchesters. “Who is this fake?” she demanded.

The fighting had thankfully stopped, but another set of explanations was clearly needed. Again.

Deanno groaned from the ground. He wished he was as lucky as Dean to be unconscious for all of these.

#spn fanfic #spn #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #destiel #samwena #samwitch #samwena fanfic #samwitch fanfic #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel #rowena #sam x rowena #cas x dean #rowena macleod #s15e13

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shirtlesssammy · 5 years

Text

15x03: The Rupture

Then:

Long Live the Queen

Now:

We start right where we left off. Hunters are guarding the failing perimeter, while our team heads back to the crypt to perform Rowena’s spell. They set to salting the place while Rowena casts her spell. It starts to reinforce the barrier, but then things start to flicker and Rowena is knocked back in a blast. The spell didn’t work.

There are too many ghosts and they’re too strong. Dean suggests killing as many ghosts as possible before the wall falls, but Rowena scoffs at the idea. Belphegor walks off and Cas follows him. Dean gets all soldier mode and starts yelling about not giving up.

*Samwitch Alert* Sam, ever the mediator, hunkers down next to Rowena to ask if she needs anything. He rests his hand gently on her shoulder and they share meaningful looks.

Meanwhile, Bel and Cas wander the graveyard. Bel tells Cas, “You can’t even look at me.” Put a pin in that comment. They wander to the hell mouth.

Sam and Dean discuss strategy. Dean’s pissed at God. (*AHEM*). He’s not going down without a fight. Sam is distracted, staring at a lovely framed Rowena looking at the Book of the Damned.

Bel has an idea. He suggests finding Lilith’s Crook, a horn Lilith used to keep order with all the demons in Hell that she sent to Earth.

If they get it and use it, they can draw all the ghosts and demons that are now topside, back to Hell. Rowena has a spell of her own devising to close the hole in the ground. (Crack thought: This is a healing spell. Maybe she’ll use it on herself to heal her own wound.) The spell only takes a couple ingredients, and she’ll need an assistant. She says this while looking at Cas, but then says, “Dibs on Samuel.” Lololololol. That’s right, girl, he’s all yours.

Someone will also have to lob the spell bomb over the edge of the tear. Belphegor then pipes up asking for help in Hell. “I want protection. Muscle.” Without a beat, Dean responds, “Yeah, Cas’ll go.” And Cas’s look of WTF sums things up quite nicely. Cas has been to Hell before. I mean, yes, uurgh, saving your sorry ass from it, Dean (ok, I’m on no Dean hate-train but it’s easy to lash back at him when he’s being this way.) “Well, it sounds like I don’t have a choice.” I feel like all three members of Team Free Will uttered something along those lines tonight and I’m not well. Dean says, “Go team.” There’s no free will in this house.

Ketch is still in the hospital and is visited by the demon, Ardat. Things don’t go well. (Remember in Temple of Doom when they ripped a still beating heart out of someone and an entire film industry created a whole new rating because of it? Now they’re just showing this shit on network TV at 7pm. What a time to be alive.) (Also, good riddance Ketch. You killed Eileen and I’ll never forgive you.)

Belphegor continues to needle Cas with the idea that he’s not wanted by the Winchesters. Cas tries to ignore him. Cas asks how they get down there. Belphegor isn’t sure and walks closer to the edge to look over. Cas pushes him over the edge and a good time was had by all. Cas jumping in after him, not so much fun.

Bleached hair hunter (what’s her name, she seems cool and I hope she sticks around) shows up with all the spell ingredients for Rowena. Dean reveals that he DOES know about Harry Potter.

Dean hears from Ketch, but it’s not Ketch, and Dean spills their entire plan to Ardat. Question: If Castiel is spelled with one ‘s’ but his nickname is spelled ‘Cass’, why wouldn’t Belphegor’s nickname be ‘Bell’? (Why yes, I do like to rehash centuries old fandom sticking points.)

Cas and Belphegor wander around a very quiet Hell. Everyone is topside apparently.

Belphegor tells Cas that he thinks he’s growing on Sam and Dean, “like a cancer.” Cas tells him that they’re using him and that he shouldn’t mistake that for care (AAGHH, stop). They find Lilith’s vault.

Inside the vault, they discover a demon happily looting the place. He greets Belphegor cheerfully. Looting is fun! When the other demon doesn’t have the horn, however, Cas kills him immediately. Cas is SO DONE. Belphegor leads Cas to the box containing Lilith’s crook and we learn that it’s warded by an Enochian hymn praising Lucifer. How very on brand for Lilith! She was also the only one who could read Enochian so, Belphegor points out, it’s a damn convenient thing that Cas came along on this trip to Hell.

Cas tries to recite the incantation on the box but it fails. Belphegor points out that perhaps it ought to be sung. We as a fandom are then ROBBED of Misha singing the entire incantation. (CC: Shaving people punting things? After a suitable mourning period, of course.)

Dean sets up next to the Hell pit while inside, Sam’s torn between fighting alongside his brother and performing the quieter (but essential) magics inside. THIS SCENE -- this tiny line represents so much of what I hope for Sam’s journey this season. That he’s described as a witch by Rowena, that he’s GOOD at this and leadership… There’s so much potential just waiting below the surface for Sam to give voice and form. “And magic isn’t fighting?” Rowena asks him as he frets. “[Dean’s] doing his part; it’s time for you to do yours.” GUH

In Hell, Cas pulls out the crook. It is indeed a sheep’s horn. He’s about to hand it over when he’s tossed across the room. It’s Ardat! She’s been onto Belphegor since the gates flew open, suspecting that he’d try to take over Hell. Cas and Ardat fight, Ardat arguing that Belphegor’s aspirations are much higher than he lets on. Belphegor kills Ardat and Cas confronts him about her claims. Belphegor laughs and then casts Cas from the vault.

He crows over his victory to Cas. The crook is a siphon that can pull all the souls into him, giving him godlike power. Cas realizes that every move by Belphegor has been carefully planned to somehow get Cas down to Hell with him to open the chest and get him the horn. WHERPS. As Belphegor blows the horn, the Earth and Hell resonate with it. Cas struggles against a forceful wind to try to get back into the vault and stop Belphegor.

For That Shirt Barely Survived Science

In the crypt, Sam and Rowena join hands and start the spell.

They chant together. Sam turns away for a moment to look towards the door, no doubt wondering what’s going on outside. Rowena calls him to task with a gentle smile and “Sam.” GUH that’s what finally broke me. (Boris has always been the more ardent Samwitch shipper but this gentle remonstrance really did me in.) The spell ignites. Dean’s hex bag glows and he hurls it into the pit. Belphegor fills with souls. It’s happening! All the things!

And then Cas tackles Belphegor and the horn ceases abruptly. He punches Belphegor again and again. (It has been a VERY trying couple of days.)

Upstairs, something’s wrong. The rift continues to crumble but Rowena looks…afraid.

Cas is interrupted from punching Belphegor by the demon pleading for mercy in Jack’s voice. “It’s me. Jack.” UGH fucking demons. Cas is visibly tormented by this. He spreads his hand, hesitates, then summons his grace. It...FLICKERS. (Ruh roh) Still, it ignites enough for him to press his palm to Belphegor’s forehead - to Jack’s forehead - and smite him. (Ever since that Shaving people promo, I’ve been expecting Jacks’ body to burn but I never imagined that Cas would have had to be the one to do it. What a horrible, traumatic thing. Excuse me while I wrap Cas in a blanket, then myself, then Boris, then all of you readers.) (Boris: *crying noise, crying noise*)

Sam and Dean compare notes over the phone. The crack is closing but “something doesn’t feel right.” That old hunter instinct is correct, because things are about to get even worse. Rowena wanders across the room while Sam is on the phone. He looks over in time to see her STAB HERSELF in the shoulder. She pulls out her resurrection sachet. “Won’t need that where I’m going.”

Rowena bitterly explains that they’ve bungled their last option. Or, penultimate option. There’s one more spell she can use to contain the souls. “Death is an infinite vessel,” she explains. “It draws its power from its caster.” Tears linger on her cheeks as she reveals that there are only two ingredients: her “still-coursing blood and the last is my final breath.” She’ll absorb all the spirits and after a time, her body will break down and release them all to Hell where they belong. (She will also, of course, be trapped there AND dead which SUCKS BIG TIME.)

Sam tries to talk her out of it but she doubles down. She needs to die and Sam’s the one who must do it. “My real, permanent demise is in your hands. It’s in Death’s books.” Sam tries the “screw fate” argument on her but it doesn’t fly.

Outside, Cas reemerges from the pit and Dean confronts him about the shaky spell. Cas explains that he had to kill Belphegor and the crook was destroyed, and Dean handles it with his customary grace. JK Dean flips the fuck out.

Rowena says something incredibly intriguing to me, then. Rowena tells Sam that she wouldn’t kill herself for the sake of anybody, but she would do it for prophecy. For magic, to which she’s devoted her life. (I’m looking directly at Billie here, who chose to reveal the agent of Rowena’s demise to her. Who MEDDLED and helped bring this about. Billie! What’s your game? Call me!) Sam tries to pull away from Rowena, who has gripped his hand and pressed the knife to her gut. “We’ve gotten quite fond of each other, haven’t we?” she asks and places a friendly hand on his shoulder. I’d love to write that suddenly PUPPIES ran into the crypt and they played with them for the rest of the episode but…

Rowena tearfully commands Sam to kill her, weighing her life against the fate of the world and the survival of Dean. She pushes AAAALLL of Sam’s buttons. Sam embraces her and stabs her right in the gut at the same time. She forces him to look her in the eyes afterward. “That’s my boy,” she tells him and I take a crying break from this recap because this performance is too goddamn much.

And just like that, the first ingredient is in play. Rowena walks from the crypt in her flowing pink gown like a stained rose and souls fly into her. She strides to the edge of the pit and looks at Team Free Will one last time before saying, “Goodbye, boys.” She throws herself down into the depths of Hell. The ground seals behind her. It’s done.

For Buffy Summers “Death is your gift” Science

In the bunker Dean’s footsteps echo down an empty hallway. He checks in on Sam, who’s sitting sorrowfully in his room. Sam brushes away tears before turning to face Dean and I’m basically dead right now.

Dean drops a quick recap: the town is safe, Hell is closed, Ketch is dead. Dean tries to rally Sam. They beat Chuck’s final apocalypse. Hooray?

Afterwards, Dean throws a giant taco party for all their hunter friends. JUST KIDDING! Dean drinks hard liquor alone in the library when Cas comes in.

Cas asks how Sam’s doing and Dean is just…so angry. Dean asks Cas why he didn’t stick to the plan. Cas defends his decisions. “Something always goes wrong.”

Dean rejoins with: “Why does that something always seem to be you,” and I’m feeling sudden empathy for Ketch, for I have also just had my heart ripped out of my chest and held, still beating, up to my face.

“You used to trust me. Give me the benefit of the doubt.” But that’s no longer the case. Cas winds through the issue quickly, with spare words. He’s tried to talk to Dean about what he’s going through, about his failing powers, but Dean freezes him out. Dean still blames him for Mary’s death. Cas realizes it now fully, perhaps. He is DEAD to Dean. This is all delivered so softly. So TERRIBLY softly.

Dean meets this all with utter silence. He is so emotionally shut down, he can’t even shout anymore. There are no broken lamps. It’s just one non-functioning Dean with no words and bare flickers of eye contact.

“I don’t think there’s anything left to say,” Cas concludes and turns to go.

Finally, Dean speaks. “Where you going?”

“Jack’s dead. Chuck is gone. You and Sam have each other. I think it’s time for me to move on.” Dean speaks not a word, doesn’t move a muscle, and Castiel turns and walks out the door. And just like that, Team Free Will fractures.

We’re back to Sam and Dean against the world, and doesn’t everybody just…feel great?

______________________________

Oh, My Still-Beating Quotes:

Get me close to the epicenter, find me a nice protected ghost free space. I’ll patch those crumbling walls right up and we’ll all be home for high tea.

I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let some glorified fanboy get the last word

To put it in American action movie terms, you’ll be carrying the bomb, I light the fuse, you toss it in

Oh Cas, your voice, it’s like an angel

I’ll be a god. Or, you know, close enough

I know this in my bones. It has to be this way.

I know we’ve gotten quite fond of each other, haven’t we?

______________________________

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn 15x03 #the rupture #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #cas #rowena macleod #belphegor #arthur ketch #supernatural season 15

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loquaciousquark · 5 years

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E63 (May 21, 2019)

Sorry it’s late, guys. @eponymous-rose has narrowly avoided being blown away by tornadoes and I’ve narrowly avoided drowning in equally dangerous paperwork, so here we are at the end of all things. Preroll is post-its of donors for Red Nose Day.

Tonight’s guests: Sam Riegel & Liam O’Brien.

Tonight’s announcements: We’re opened by Mark Hulmes instead of BWF. He dabs. No one blinks an eye. After the music open, we find out BWF’s neighbor’s kid stole his keys and then he lost his wallet. It hasn’t mattered, because he’s about to be Mr. Ashley Johnson & people just keep giving him what he needs. They’re still raising money for RedNoseDay. Thursday morning, the Colbert one-shot airs on the Critical Role Youtube. You can donate at critrole.com/rednoseday. Mark Hulmes joined Taliesin & BWF today for an episode available on the CR Twitch.

Episode 63: Intervention

CR Stats: Caleb cast his 700th spell, Gift of Alacrity, on Caduceus. Nott rolled her 40th natural 1 this episode to understand the local sewer system. This was Caduceus’s first HDYWTDT. Everyone mourns that someone stole the Golden Snitch from Matt’s bag.

It’s more stressful not knowing everyone’s motivations, both within the party and the game world. Sam talks about Yasha’s mysterious past and Beau’s dangerous ties to the Empire, especially given how much they understood in the first campaign about (at least) who the bad guys were. Sam feels like once they have a shred of information, he wants to jump on it ASAP and make big, bold decisions on them. He’s dealing with the discovery that this might be not as great an idea. He’s not experienced this kind of “trepidation, failure, uncertainty...I don’t like this game. I don’t like it at all!”

Caleb likes using the little bit of dunamantic magic as a taste of a drug--each little hit makes him want more and more and more.

Danimancy? Make a Carrcana check. Sigh, Sam.

Sam made two big mistakes in the last fight: he missed the gender of the dragonborn, so he thought that one of the other voices Matt was doing was actually the dragonborn giving orders (and therefore the one in charge, while the drow was the one taking orders). He also saw the dragonborn leaving and was worried that he was waiting on the party to give him (Nott) the go-ahead to kick things off. He recognizes he put Caleb in a terrible position both in a meta yes-and sense and in the Nott-Caleb team sense.

The world devolves into campaign slander and propaganda. Everyone’s in it, including BWF and Dani. #samforpresident

Caleb told the Brightqueen about his past because he feels like they’re on a very tight timeline, looking for very slight drips of information like gold. He thought it was worth the shot.

Sam desperately wants to know what the missing years in Yasha’s memory hold. BWF tells him to get what he can out of her while she’s here; her show’s been renewed for another season. He sounds genuinely bitter as he says it, but he notes at least it’s the last one. :(

They ask Mark Hulmes about what Charm does for people. He helpfully tells us it doesn’t say if they remember or not. Sam also points out Nott has blown up Caduceus before, so doing a few more points to Yasha is *wigglehands*.

Caleb did not mean to kill the horse on purpose. Sam tries to get him to confess that on camera, but instead Liam needles him about not cuddling Henry.

Cosplay of the Week: @andy_srivastava’s cosplay of Beau. Gorgeous!

Both Sam and Nott feel the fight’s outcome was his/her fault. He expects her to feel very guilty next week. Sam genuinely felt and still feels bad about it. He also prefers hashing out reactions the night things happen instead of having to wait a week for the next Thursday. He feels it’s more genuine.

Caleb is very worried about Jester’s mom and Astrid’s crew finding ways to use her mom as leverage. He’s also worried about the kid, but is glad Shakaste is going to get him. Liam also always imagined running into his old crew against the backdrop of the Empire, and is now very worried that if he runs into them soon he’ll have the added perception of being a traitor since they’re in the Dynasty.

Liam and Caleb both were surprised he was given hints of dunamancy so freely. He looks forward to learning more.

Liam totally understands how easy it is to miss things now. He’s constantly looking things up and reading in an attempt to understand his spells, and therefore missing parts of the battle. He greatly sympathizes with Marisha. Sam, on the other hand, is finding it hard to adapt to rogue life; he doesn’t like the necessary “out there, bold choice” nature of rogues in D&D and having the pressure of making big decisions very fast. He prefers Scanlan’s nature of sitting in the back, casting spells, and being more reactionary than instigatory. Liam always is afraid of picking the wrong spells, and finds it much harder than Vax. BWF: “Dagger dagger dagger...dagger dagger dagger dagger?” Liam: “I kept track of that fine, it’s everyone else that was wrong.”

Sam is shocked the D&D Beyond campaign bit has dragged on. BWF calls his rebuttal “bogusly weak,” and Sam looks genuinely aghast. It’s hilarious. “I don’t know how he got to you, Brian, but this feels like coming on Fox News! You’re a partisan hack! I won’t take it anymore, but I love attention, so I will stay.”

Nott is super interested in the dodeca’s ability to give people different bodies, but Caleb is still the clearest path to getting her body back. It’s complicated because the Dynasty souls are “chosen” and Nott’s not likely to be so.

Liam is very excited to see this magic system Matt has created in dunamancy. Did he create it in response to Liam or had he already thought about it? Sam tells us he’s always been thoughtful about fate and the subverting of it. Liam is so pumped because in campaign one, fate strings existed and were uncontrollable, but in campaign two we’ve “developed physicists, tinkering.”

In re: Essik, Nott’s just happy Caleb has found a friend. She wishes he’d bring him home more often.

Sam finally busses Henry’s cheek and affirms to us that he actually loves dogs. Everyone in his family is voting for a new dog except for his daughter, who wants a cat.

Liam doesn’t want everything to be cat-themed, but likes retouching a few spells here and there for flavor. He also wanted to differentiate it from Scanlan’s Bigby’s Hand. Sam thinks he should reskin more spells.

SPOILERS FOR C1 IN THIS QUESTION. Sam talks about rogue high-stakes moments as genuinely, surprisingly stressful. Liam says Vax was stressful but exhilarating, especially when it came to moments that conflated poor meta decisions vs roleplay decisions. He specifically mentions Raishan’s chase as a terrible in-game decision but one that was right for the character. He and Sam will always do what’s right for the character, even if it’s bad narratively in the moment. Sam says he got a lot of support from the group thread this past week, though. END SPOILERS FOR C1.

Fanart of the Week: a gorgeous Caduceus portrait by @larndraws.

Nott trusts Shakaste to get Luke traveling safely. Sam also drops a bombshell on the world by telling us Luc is spelled Luc. It’s just that no one’s ever asked. Heavens!

Caleb’s made an effort to tell people he cares for them, but he fears it at the same time. He’s afraid he’s going to be put in a position where he needs it too much. Brian asks if he believes he’s truly irredeemable: Liam says there’s a certain road where he could feel he atoned, and there’s a road that might lead to balance, but there’s never a brass ring that he could reach that could let him relax entirely. I don’t entirely understand the metaphor, but I get what he means.

Sam likes that the theme of this campaign seems to be “atonement and reconciliation” compared to the first campaign’s “finding family.” There’s a bit of that in this campaign too, but he likes how everyone has something in their past that they’re clinging to, and he’s interested to see who will be able to resolve it, who will be able to handle it, and who won’t be able to let it go.

Mark Hulmes come on to talk about the Stream of Descent, which happened last weekend. He’s the DM for High Rollers, which airs at 9am Pacific on Sundays.

BWF talks about how C1 had a lot of the Hero’s Journey in various forms, and C2 feels a lot like “what it means to be good.” He doesn’t feel they fit the “antihero” archetype very well.

Liam thinks that if Caleb were going to leave the campaign, he’d have done it already.

Part of Caleb’s generation was to create a character the world would shun, and seeing if he could find a way to find compassion for them. He mentions the poem written for the Boston marathon bomber a while ago. BWF talks about how it’s a really interesting character choice because it depends on the rest of the table being willing to stick around and seek out that redeemable quality in your character, even when you’re making decisions that are true to the character but bad for the table/the rest of the group. You can’t always expect that to work with every group you play with.

Mark talks about Calliana being the other end of the spectrum from Caleb, because she also has a history of having done very terrible things, but she was taken in by a family who helped her understand she’d been manipulated and it was not her fault. He’s desperate for his recently mentioned package to be picked up because she has some messages for Caleb in it. Now she tries to see the best in everyone she meets as a result of her history. He has a whole folder of fanart of Calliana on his wall. Awwww.

It’s still never gotten old for Liam or Sam either.

Mark endorses Sam for President. Good job, foreign fellow. Is it Thursday yet?

#talks machina #talks machina spoilers #critical role #critical role spoilers #long post for ts

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bunnymcbunnister · 5 years

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SPN Season 15 Spoiler Sheet, update 10/6

I’m traveling tomorrow, so I’ll post tonight. We have a few more tidbits from ep 7- Christian Kane being in the episode has given us more of a glimpse into shooting. Adam Rose also vague tweeted about shooting on a show with two badass leads. I doubt that really means Supernatural, but if we had Aaron Bass and this “old friend” in one episode my biDean head would explode. Also pics from two, an episode description for three, and Speight back in the director’s chair for 8. I can’t believe that the premier is this week. As a disclaimer, keep in mind that I just report what I see on internet land. Last year, there were some spoilers that were just plain wrong, so expect that again with hopefully some fun surprises! Happy premier week!!

General Info (oldest to newest)

There is likely to be 20 episodes

They are filming the 4th episode 1st, which Jensen is directing

Returning this year are: Rowena, Ketch, Eileen,Amara, Adam, and Kevin

Jared and Jensen know the ending. Jensen struggled with it at first. Misha does not know the ending as of SDCC

Matt Cohen and Richard Speight Jr. will direct

Sam, Dean, and Cas will struggle with the concept of free will and if they ever really had it

The focus will be more on Hell than Heaven

There is hope to wrap up some Wayward Daughters storylines in the back half of the season

They are adding a whole extra day to filming to do the final scene (Implies logistics- lots of returning people?)

Brad Bucker used the word “romance” when asked about Sam and Dean’s arcs. Did not specify who.

Chuck will be more of an absent protagonist in the 1st half of the season (but he in in ep 4)

At the beginning of the season Dean and Cas will still have a rift. They will reconcile “at some point”. Jensen claims as of script 4 they still have friction. This has been repeated several times, from Misha as well. He indicated Dean is still mad at Cas, but Cas doesn’t feel to blame for Mary’s death.

In an interview, Kripe indicated that the series ending would have “peace” for Sam and Dean

Not much new at the TCA’s, but it was said it is “unlikely” Jeffery Dean Morgan will be back since his last appearance was such a good end note. There were some jokes about a Castiel spin off. Hell, I’d watch.

There will be a special tribute ep, not clear if its one of the 20 or additional

Misha will be in 15 out of 20 episodes this season

According to Dabb, Sam and Dean are going to start to lose people who, in past seasons, we would’ve never lost — and lose them in a very real way. Our guys are going to realize there’s a certain finality, and some of the things they’ve relied on to get through the day — people, talents, things like that — they are no longer going to be able to roll out. And that’s going to throw them for a loop (Unfortunately, my guess in Rowena)

Also according to Dabb, Jack is still in the empty and “he’s not coming back in the near future” (this makes no sense. He’s on set for several episodes- interacting with the boys)

Cas’ deal with the Empty may come up later in the season.

Kevin will return.

Season 15 promo: https://youtu.be/V232RpcCdTY

Christan Kane (Leverage/Angel) will star as “Leo” an “old friend” of Deans. He is an old friend of Jensen’s.

General season 15 promo- more of a retrospective: https://youtu.be/_hlkNQL5Ecg

Dabb intimated that Chuck was inherently responsible for killing Mary when asked how the boys would respond to Jack.

Dabb compared Chuck and John Winchester, claiming that Dean would have to break free of “conditioning.” Also, for Jack “there have been cosmic forces fighting for his attention since he was in the womb — and that will continue. As much as this season is about Sam and Dean finding agency, it’s also about Castiel finding agency, and it’s about Jack finding agency. As always, death is never the end. It’s just part of the journey and that’s certainly true with Jack.”

Adam Rose, who played Aaron Bass from the golem episode vauge-tweeted about working a show with two badass leads. Could be Supernatural, but I think the timing is off- he indicated he was filming late Friday night?

Episode 15x01

Title: Back and to the Future

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: Picking up where we left off last season, Sam, Dean and Castiel are left to defend the world after all the souls in hell have been released and are back on Earth and free to kill again.

Written by: Dabb

Director: Showwalter

Filming Dates: 7/30-8/9 (no filming 8/5 for Canadian holiday)

Airdate: Oct 10

Photos: http://www.ksitetv.com/supernatural/supernatural-season-premiere-photos-back-and-to-the-future/196183/

Promo: (for at least ep one and two) ttps://youtu.be/V232RpcCdTY. Also this retrospective: https://youtu.be/_hlkNQL5Ecg

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? Yes Jack ? yes

Guest stars:

Other Spoilers/info:

The first episode will start right where the previous left off

Misha posed with the John Wayne Gacy clown

Jensen posted a series of pics- one clean shaven, one vid of him shaving, and one where he appeared to be in character with blood and dirt on his face and in Dean plaid, but with his beard… confusing- some time jump theories are developing for ep 4.

Jensen was photoed filming (wearing an FBI jacket)outside with Alex

Misha and Jared filmed outside with a woman and young girl. They were running from the clown guy and a few other zombie looking creatures. CAS WAS NAKED (haha just no trench) and holding a shotgun. It could have been rehearsal and there was no camera in the clip shared by a fan which might explain the coat? Another fan said it was hot and Misha kept taking the coat off, so I’m sure this just a piece of rehearsal footage.

Alex was filming in white sunglasses. Other set photos indicate he had makeup on his eyes making them look burnt out. There is some spec that Jack will come back blind.

Misha posted a pic of the 4 of them in the impala

According to Variety, the boys will escape the zombies in a temp shelter. They are working together, but Cas feel “detached.” Misha seems to indicate that Cas feels unfairly blamed in Mary’s death and is deeply upset about Jack.

Episode 15x02

Title: Raising Hell

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: SENDING OUT AN SOS – Sam (Jared Padalecki), Dean (Jensen Ackles) and Castiel (Misha Collins) call on Rowena (Guest Star Ruth Connell) to help keep the evil souls at bay and get an unexpected assist from Ketch (Guest Star David Haydn-Jones). Robert Singer directed the episode written by Brad Buckner & Eugenie Ross-Leming (#1503). Original airdate 10/17/2019.

Written by: Buckleming

Director: Singer

Filming Dates: 8/12- 8/21

Airdate: 10/17

Photos: http://www.ksitetv.com/supernatural/supernatural-15-2-photos-raising-hell/196890/

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? YES Jack ? YES

Guest stars: Ruth Connell, David Haydn-Jones, Rob Benedict, Osric Cho, Emily Swallow (?)

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

A set was a high school set up to be a shelter.

Chuck, Ketch and Rowena will be in this. Maybe Amara too. Emily Swallow was in town for only a short time, so I imagine it would just be a scene or two

Ghosts/zombies were seen on set. There will be a scene with Rowena attacking them that includes at least Dean and Cas.

There will be one longer scene in a park.

Alex was in sunglasses again - not sure if this is a costume thing or an Alex thing

Ruth posted two vids of Misha claiming that he had filmed several scenes, but had no dialog - over three days so it must be a scripted reason (A spell? Chuck? Is he giving Dean the silent treatment?)

Ruth posted a video with her trailer, but the video showed Alex’s as well, so Jack

Misha posted from set in costume. Minus the coat again, but I’m still blaming the heat…. But he was without in the two Ruthie videos as well… soo……? I don’t know. I still think it’s a heat issue.

Night shoots are scheduled in a warehouse. Hand painted signs indicating quarantine were nearby

Kevin is back

Episode 15x03

Title: The Rupture

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: AS IT IS WRITTEN – Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) together with Rowena (guest star Ruth Connell) work tirelessly to keep all of hell from breaking loose. Castiel (Misha Collins) cannot forgive an arrogant betrayal. Charles Beeson directed the episode written by Robert Berens. (#1504). Original Airdate 10/24/2019.

Written by: Berens

Director: Charles Beeson

Filming Dates: 8/22-9/2

Airdate: 10/24

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? yes Jack? yes

Guest stars: Ruthie Connell

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

Part of this ep will take place in hell as well as the cemetery where Jack died at the end of last season

Misha mentioned a scene at VanCon with him, Sam, Dean, Rowena, and Jack

Sam Smith was on set, but I would imagine she was visiting as she was in town for VanCon

Episode 15x04 (filmed out of order)

Title: Atomic Monsters

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS:

Written by:

Director: Jensen Ackles

Filming Dates: 7/18-7/29

Airdate: 10/31 ?

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? Probably not Jack? Probably not

Guest stars: Rob Benedict

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

Jensen mentioned a guest star “fan favorite” that hasn’t been seen since season 7 that is no longer in the business. Guesses include Becky, who hasn’t acted in a while but isn’t exactly a fan favorite, Meg, who hasn’t acted but she was in season 8, and Balthazar or Frank or Jo or Rufus, but all act frequently. Jensen doesn’t always have the most accurate season memory, so he could be off on the season. Since this seems like a Chuck episode, my guess is Becky but I hope for Meg. SOURCE UNCONFIRMED- I haven’t seen this in a reliable source, so take it with a grain of salt.

There was a beaver mascot on set… it looks like they are filming at a school called Beaverdale

Jensen and Jared filed outside in fed suits

Chuck will be in this one. Jensen directed him first alone with his beard unshaved (so maybe a solo Chuck scene or him interacting with others/not the boys). There are also theories of a time jump in this ep.

This will be a one off, classic monster hunting episode with some ties to ongoing storylines. Sam and Dean will leave the bunker to keep their skills sharp

Jensen directed

Misha will not be in this ep

SD Comic Con was during filming

Episode 15x05

Title: Proverbs 17:3

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS:

Written by: Yockey

Director: Speight

Filming Dates: 9/4-9/13

Airdate: 11/7

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? No Jack? doubtful

Guest stars:

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

This will most likely be Yockey’s last episode.

Matt Cohen was around, but I imagine he is following directors to prep for his own debut directing.

Scenes were filmed in the bunker and in a wooded area. A woman could be heard screaming in the outside scene.

Episode 15x06

Title: Golden Time

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS:

Written by: Meredith Glynn

Director: Steve Boyum

Filming Dates: 9/16-9/25

Airdate: 11/14

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel? Yes Jack? Not sure

Guest stars:

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

Misha tweeted from set in costume, so Cas.

Misha also tweeted a pic in blood spatter with two bullet holes in his shirt

Ruth also posted a pic of herself covered in blood

At least Ruth and Jared filmed in Rowena’s apartment

Episode 15x07

Title: Last Call

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS:

Written by: Jeremy Adams

Director: Amyn Kaderali

Filming Dates: 9/26- 10/7

Airdate: Dec 7th is what Christian Kane tweeted…. But that is a Saturday. Dec 5th maybe?

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? Jack ?

Guest stars: maybe Christian Kane? Maybe?

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

Misha posted from set in new shoes- very shiny with well tailored pants. (The next day he posted in full Cas costume,so just new shoes?? Another outfit with new shoes?)

Misha and Jensen made a video from set. I feel like if Jared was around he would have been in it since it was about money raised? This was on a Friday, and J2 usually don’t work Fridays. Maybe a Dean Cas scene?

There will be a battle scene in this that Jensen mentioned he was looking forward to and we would enjoy.

After NJ Con, it appeared that Jensen returned to work, Jared and Misha stayed an extra day and then Misha went home. Misha did not return to set that week.

Jensen and Christian filmed at a bar called Swazey’s. This was the fight scene Jensen was referring to.

At some point, Sam might be shirtless or we can see part of his chest- Jared had his anti-possession tattoo at the weekend convention

Episode 15x08

Title:

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS:

Written by:

Director: Speight

Filming Dates:

Airdate:

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? Jack ?

Guest stars:

Other Spoilers/info (newest to oldest):

#supernatural #spn season 15 #spn spoilers #spoiler sheet

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hollyoaksloversx · 6 years

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Goodbye, Dirk...

It’s not often in Hollyoaks that you get the chance to watch a nice character. A genuinely kind person with a heart of gold who always tries to do the right thing. We had that with Dirk Savage.

Tonight’s Channel 4 episode saw Dirk killed off after a run in with Milo. Dirk had fallen into a swimming pool and Milo, rather than jumping in and trying to help him, went to switch on the lights, not realising that there was a problem with them, and Dirk was electrocuted. The whole scene was a little bit odd for me. Can Dirk not swim? The man who lived on a boat for several years can’t swim, is that what Hollyoaks are saying? Because he could have got himself out of the water very easily if he could. Why did Milo not go in and try to help him, or call someone? It didn’t look so dark that it warranted the lights needing to be switched on. But none of that matters, really. Dirk knew Milo’s secret and as Hollyoaks aren’t ready to reveal it yet, Dirk had to go, just like DS Armstrong before him.

It’s not the first time that Hollyoaks have killed off a good character just to prolong a story. Earlier this year, they did the same with DS Thorpe, who was murdered by his nephew, Ryan, when he discovered that Ryan was a murderer. All that resulted in was an extra 5 weeks of Ryan. 5 weeks! We lost DS Thorpe so Ryan could wreck havoc for 5 more weeks. Not worth it, Hollyoaks!

Death has become meaningless in Hollyoaks because it happens so often. They also use it as a lazy way to discard a character that gets in the way. Danny and Sam Lomax were killed off because the show wanted Cameron, Leela and Peri to be a family, Celine McQueen was killed off so Cameron could get away with murder for a little while longer, and now we’ve lost Dirk so that the Cunningham’s can live in ignorance for a bit longer. Occasionally, killing someone off can be of benefit to the storyline. Mel and Sophie Burton’s deaths in the 2006 fire at The Dog is an excellent example of this. The deaths of his sisters sent young Justin completely off the rails. In fact, his behaviour got so bad that his girlfriend, Becca, broke up with him. Furious, he reported her to the police, saying that she’d pursued him when he was underage. She was sent to prison, where she ultimately died, bringing us up to the present day where we see Charlie growing up without his Mum. Mel and Sophie were also two of the only people who knew what Clare Devine was really like. In order for Clare to remain, Mel and Sophie had to go. The difference here, compared to what’s happened with Dirk, is that Clare’s story was only just beginning. Her most heinous acts were yet to come.

When we first heard that Milo had a secret connected to the Cunningham’s, I thought he was going to turn out to be a long lost family member, so I was pleasantly surprised when that turned out not to be that case, and we found out that he’d been responsible for the deaths of Gordon and Helen back in 2004. It was refreshing to see a young man come out of prison feeling genuine remorse for what he’d done and attempt to put things right, even if he did go about it in completely the wrong way. I was looking forward to seeing how Cindy, Mandy and Tom would react once they found out who he really was. That was nearly a year ago now and they’re still none the wiser. When they eventually do find out, I’ll not feel excitement about the drama that’s unfolding, I’ll just feel relief that it’s over. As I’ve said countless times before, if you’re having to add silly twists onto a story in order to keep it going, it’s time to wrap it up!

Dirk’s death has me really worried for Cindy, too. She’s in great danger of becoming very isolated as a character. She’s lost her husband, Holly’s going soon, Tom can’t stand her and she’s not interacted much with Mandy since her return episodes last Summer. Are we just going to have her, Liberty and Hilton rattling around in that house (a house that’s historically always had the show’s largest families, the Hunters, the Ashworths, the Roys, the Osbornes, the Roscoes and the Cunninghams, living there) on their own? It’s not even as if she has a job or any real friends to give her some purpose. What’s left for her now?

I love Hollyoaks, and there’s some great stories running at the moment, but then they pull a stunt like this and I wonder why I bother watching.

#Hollyoaks #Blog #Features

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smith--corona · 6 years

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Dylan’s Reading of Ulysses, post #1

While I don’t post on here very often (read: never), the idea has just occurred to me to catalog here my reading of James Joyce’s Ulysses, as it seems a monumental step in my literary career. Without sounding too pretentious, I expect Ulysses, beginning now in my first read-through of it, to become and continue to be an important part of my literary life. Here I am reading it for the first time, as a Sophomore in college, an English major who may or may not be well-equipped to grasp Joyce’s multifaceted meaning. And it might be fun if other first-time readers of the text stumble upon what I hope to be a series of posts, and compare their experience to mine. Though this post, perhaps, will be mostly background information, useless stream of consciousnesses that may provide insight into why I’m reading Ulysses at all.

So I’ve read a little Joyce before. At some point during my high school experience I picked up a copy of Dubliners from my school library and, though I don’t think I read through the entire thing, enjoyed it quite a lot. For my AP Lit class Senior year, I read perhaps 80% of Portrait of the Artist… but I began to find it boring after some time and put it down. I didn’t do any Joyce reading until Spring semester of my Freshman year (last year), by then, perhaps through an affinity for Fitzgerald and Kafka, decidedly a modernist scholar. In my Process, Prose, and Pedagogy class, taught by Modernist scholar himself, Vassar College Writing Center Director Matt Schultz, Ph.D., we had a team-teaching exercise that centered around a passage of the momentous Finnegan’s Wake. Reading part of ‘The Wake’, Joyce’s murkiest, most inaccessible work, reminded me of my pull toward Joyce. Many people, even scholars, dismiss Joyce’s work for being maddeningly futile, and warn readers against looking for meaning in his apparent gibberish. But, of course, Joyce is an Eliot modernist, a Gertrude Stein modernist, who adventurously seeks to divorce meaning from language and marry them again, changed and often unrecognizable. This is the major frustration of reading Joyce. It’s also the major thrill.

I, too, have adventurous plans that in some sense necessitate that I begin Ulysses now. In the fall I plan to study abroad abroad at Trinity College Dublin, if I get accepted, under famous Joyce scholar Sam Slote. I’d like to take at least half of his class, Ulysses in Contexts. The novel is indeed a novel of Dublin, and to study it in Dublin would be a dream come true. But I should read the damn thing first.

Further, by sheer coincidence, I am reading Ulysses now for a class. I somehow forgot to register for Amitava Kumar’s New Journalisms class, and elected to add Heesok Chang’s Modern British and Irish Novels class. Shortly after registering, I got an email from Prof. Chang that we would be reading Ulysses as part of the syllabus. While technically we don’t start reading it until next week (and continue it into April), I decided to get a little ahead because I’m, frankly, excited about it.

Tonight after reading a lot of Ford Maddox Ford’s The Good Soldier. (AMAZING! Also for Prof. Chang’s class), I decided to jump into Ulysses and read the first chapter, or episode. That takes me to page 20 in my edition, The Gabler Edition, of the book.

I probably don’t have a lot of intelligent or articulate thoughts at this point. The first chapter, it seems, serves to introduce the characters of Buck Mulligan, Stephen Dedalus, and, to a lesser extent, Haines. Not a lot necessarily happens in the first chapter, but we seem to learn a lot about Dedalus in particular. Black Mulligan has a few names for Dedalus, first “Jesuit”, then more frequently “Kinch” (the sound a knife makes and also a Scottish term for a noose). D. is also often referred to as a Bard, and he is alluded to as often melancholy. We learn as well the D.’s mother his dead, that he is rumored to have killed her, and that he refused to kneel and pray on her deathbed despite her dying wishes. Dedalus seems rather unmoved by Mulligan’s constant mocking, as well as Haines honest and direct inquiry. Haines is the newcomer at D. and M.’s shared tower, but Joyce suggests that D. is the sole moneymaker of the trio. D. seems to pay the rent, pay the milk, and buy the boys drinks at the end of the night. While portrayed by Mulligan as a frivolous poet, D. seems somber, and uniquely concerned with their bills. At the end of the chapter, the three men go to a creek to bathe, though D. seems to change his mind, leaving his companions without so much as wetting his feet.

The general happenings of this chapter are clear, but what remains most unclear is the occasional appearance of an unknown narrator. Is it Telemachus, Odysseus’s son after which the first chapter is named? Is it Leopold Bloom, the novels (questionably) main character? Perhaps it is an extension of D.’s stream of consciousness? I don’t quite know.

What you’re left with in the end of chapter one is an image of a haunted Stpehen Dedalus, incurably melancholy and ravaged by visions of his dead mother. He doesn’t seem to enjoy the company of the men he lives with. He reflects, at the end of the chapter, that “I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.” Is this an allusion I do not know? The final word of the chapter, “Usurper”, is a mystery too.

And here I plan to listed to the first few episodes of a podcast, the late Frank Delaney’s Re:Joyce http://blog.frankdelaney.com/2010/06/re-joyce-episode-0-introduction-to-james-joyces-ulysses.html . Hoping for illumination that’s not too scholarly or overbearing for now. I plan to write again when I read the next chapter/episode.

(terminat hora diem; terminat auctor opus)

#ulysses #joyce #lit #literature #english #irish #reading #blog #blog post #my post #mine #my blog post #og #dylan write #personal

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loquaciousquark · 5 years

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E1-46 (Jan 8, 2019)

Happy New Year! Welcome to Talks for tonight, a looooong time coming. @eponymous-rose is off doing very cool science, so I’m stepping in tonight. Also Brian’s wearing a guitar-string bracelet that was once upon a time played by Meatloaf.

Announcements: Tuesday, Jan 15 at 4pm PST is the debut of Mame Drop, their new show ft. the Mame Cabinet. Wednesday, Jan 23 at 5pm PST, they’ll be doing Pub Drop, ft. art lessons with Babb Star; the next season of Between the Sheets airs Jan 28 at 7pm PST. Ashley will definitely be in Season 2.

CR Stats: “9,″ or “nein,“ has been said at least 733 times so far. Matt has facepalmed 80 times in 46 episodes. By this point in C1, he’d facepalmed 77 times. Beau has cast the highest level spell so far (conjuring the elemental). Caduceus has prevented 38 damage from critical hits with Sentinel at Death’s Door. Caleb’s smell has been commented on 49 times. Fjord -- and BWF segues to discuss Travis in Liam’s oneshot, which was a whooooole ‘nother thing, and you should definitely check it out if you haven’t seen it yet! We never come back to his fact, sadly. Jester has performed 35 pranks so far. Molly has been gone for 85 days in game. “Long may he reign,” says the cast, and they all toast him. Nott has cast Message 50 times. Sam: “Wow, I got a lot to say!”

The biggest challenge for them so far in terms of the culture shift between C1 and C2 has been the war. They do think about it a lot while they’re “chasing magic ocean orbs,” but they know the clock is still running while they’re doing other things. Nott would care if her homeland was gone, but she wouldn’t mind overmuch if the goblins were killed but the land was okay.

Jester is perfectly content with Nott’s motherly advice, even though it’s vastly different from what her mother suggested. Laura: “It’s weird that I can look at Matt and go, ‘Mom,’ and it feels...” Matt: “It’s okay, don’t worry,” but in the Ruby’s voice, and we’re all delighted.

Matt has had to reconsider some aspects of his preparation now that he has two PCs that can see everything and/or remember everything. He doesn’t believe in artificially upping the difficulty of his worldbuilding/checks just because people took certain feats, he just has to be prepared to answer their questions more than before.

Sam feels the alcoholism has added a bit of randomness to Nott’s character. It’s actually weirdly led Nott to be able to do more, since Sam had envisioned her as a very skittish, nervous character, but the alcoholism allows her to be brave in a way she is not otherwise.

Travis wanted to explore Fjord’s origins, but didn’t have any specific plans. “Growth? Yes. I think he’s taken a dive into a lot of things that he’d never experienced before, and had outcomes that he didn’t anticipate. I also think that he’s reeling from all these choices--it’s just one coin flip after the next, and that’s put him where he is now.” Both BWF and Matt express interest in the twists neither of them anticipated. Marisha, plaintively: “Please don’t kill us all.”

Caleb doesn’t think there was a specific turning point that made him trust the Nein as well as Nott; it was a series of small steps. The first time he shared his backstory with Beau was a screw loose. Liam enjoys the conflict between the group goals and Caleb’s goals.

Everyone has missed being their characters over the break.

Travis agrees with Liam that there’s a new possible viewpoint every 30 minutes--he has no ulterior motives, just is always trying to do what feels right in the moment. He’s seen some things online suggesting he has a bigger plan, but he doesn’t think that far ahead.

Beau was the first one to say “I love you” out of the M9. Marisha was most surprised by Beau’s opening up. Beau was a “deliberate asshole” to Molly, Fjord, and Caleb at certain points because she knew they’d leave her eventually; this way, she controlled the relationship and was the one doing the pushing away.

Taliesin had no plan for Cad’s future during the breakdown on the boat. He was dealing with the realities of Cad’s creation and trying to find an anchor for his “track,” and the two conversations with Nott and Jester were crucial for helping him find his path, and Tal’s plan for his future arcs.

Did Molly’s death affect how the cast relate to their characters? Sam: “I’ve been thinking of backup characters way more than last campaign.” It doesn’t affect how he plays Nott, though. Travis feels very guilty that we’re spending so much time in his backstory and still know hardly anything about so many others--he’d feel terrible if someone else died and we still knew nothing about them. Laura feels like if she makes a backup character it’s bad luck. Liam has a vague idea, but he’d rather use it for a future campaign. Laura and Travis have no backups planned.

Caleb has no regrets avoiding the legionnaire contracts back in Zadash. Molly (says Tal) would have also been happy they avoided it.

The Fjord/Nott prickliness started off as a goof, but Sam thinks it might be a touch of a real thing. Travis is all, “naaaaaaah, not a thing.” Fjord likes poking her. Fjord actually loves Nott--he’s messing with Sam more than anything, especially with the buttons, but everything has a shelf life. Sam suggests Fjord fundamentally does not understand Nott’s nature--is she a person? A thing? It has a touch of genuine suggestion by Sam, but Travis waves it away. He truly does love Nott, he says.

Fanart of the Week: @quortknee with a stunning portrait of Yasha surrounded by flowers.

Dani mentions to Matt that Jamedi was the first NPC in either campaign that was a critical part of a path--journeying through the woods as a guide--but did not participate in combat at all. Matt says he’s essentially a scout, amazing at tracking, but would never jump into combat with a hydra. Matt created the character’s personality first, then explored that in his actions later.

Tal’s super interested in more about Jamedi. Laura loves how cool he was.

Travis compares Fjord’s journey to a kid getting dropped into a high school party: “There’s going to be beer and alcohol and you’re going to be tempted--no I’m not! I love Dr Pepper!” Travis laughs: “Fjord is the kid at the high school party” who suddenly succumbs to every temptation despite being sure he’d resist wholesale.

Laura teases Caleb for being a Debbie Downer. Liam, deadpan: “Life expectancy in Wildemount is not that great.”

Matt and Laura both are super excited to see how the relationship with the Traveler develops. Laura initially envisioned a very much big-brother relationship, but she’s found that she genuinely is struck with awe and a bit of fear every time the Traveler shows up. “I thought they were going to be way more familiar!”

Liam talks about how the idea of meeting Astrid and the rest makes his palms sweat every time.

Caleb was originally an Evocation Wizard--still level 2 or 3--in his backstory, but all the years of doing nothing meant he had to start over later.

Beau has latched onto the first mate position because she’s always wanted to prove herself, both to her parents and herself. BWF: “Flex. I gotchu.”

Nott does consider herself the mother of the group. She’s not great at it, but she does view herself as surrounded by a bunch of people who aren’t fully mature in any way, and she’s trying to “get ‘em to college.”

Everyone agrees Beau has changed the most out of everyone throughout the campaign. Caleb has begin to make small different choices in his behavior. Laura: “Fjord has changed a lot. Now he’s going to kill us all.” Matt’s enjoyed his shift from “I don’t know what’s happening” to “I want to know what’s happening.” Everyone comments on Fjord’s wild-westiness over the last few episodes.

Everyone misses Ashley and talks about her bravery in exposing Yasha’s heart in the last episode. Matt points out Ashley always reviews the VODs for this campaign and explores Yasha’s emotional journey offscreen, so that this episode was basically her check-in, showing how Yasha’s journeyed and grown over the last dozens of episodes.

BWF struggles mightily parsing “palenewmoon” as a username, and it’s hilarious.

Caduceus is not scared of his current situation; it’s a thing that happens and it’s gone, his moment of fear now behind him. He does feel far from home--not a wanderer. “A bit of a hobbit vibe.” Fjord doesn’t scare him at all. Travis: “He shouldn’t.” Travis says Cad is the one he’s the most interested in exploring right now.

Matt found Laura & Travis’s baby arrival one of the most unexpected events in terms of having to scramble for a plan. The docks of Nicodranas are a close second, especially since he was dangling all these other hints about the Menagerie Coast and the war only for the M9 to completely ignore them. Liam: “War sounds hard.”

The Darktow escapades also surprised him, since he’d imagined it would be more of a race with Avantika to the next orb. “You stayed one night and got kicked the fuck out. I had planned the next few days; there was a whole thing with Allison that could have gone on... All the pirates are distinctly like, ‘Don’t do shit to other pirates or we’ll kill you,’ and you were like, ‘Hey guys, let’s do shit to other pirates!’” Sam: “We’re terrible at this game!”

Travis didn’t anticipate the visions, especially the dream of water that destroyed the fleet of ships. Fjord wants to get as close to the goal line of releasing Uk’otoa without crossing the line. That sounds dangerous, kiddo.

Caleb thinks Nott is a much better being than he is since she has a good heart. He also feels like he’s letting his guard down around the Nein and allowing himself to have a circle of friends. However, the last couple of episodes have made him want to withdraw back to the Nott-and-Caleb against the world vibe. Sam thinks they’ve drawn closer together--they know they have each other’s backs, so now they can explore other relationships.

Most impactful moments so far: Molly for everyone, for sure. Fjord: hooking up with Avantica. Cad: staying on the boat. (Matt likes that this showed good commitment to both story and each other’s characters to have Jester check in on him.) Caleb: telling Beau and Nott everything, like letting off a steam valve. Beau: the plan with the Plank King, validating her strengths. (Everyone oohs and aahs over the “I...wait.” moment again.) Jester: the dragon fight, staring down death and wondering if Mom had been right after all.

Talks Machina: After Dog

In discussion of chicken noises made to amuse Ronin, Tal reveals he keeps feral chickens. Somehow I’m not surprised.

Favorite activities over the break: Matt slept. BWF suggests karaoke, and Laura realizes everyone went to kigerumi karaoke without them because they had family in town. Laura & Travis and BWF (and Ashley?) went to Sam’s Christmas party.

Tal thinks the Gentleman will be dead by the time they all get back to him. Matt reminds them of the sequence that led to Port Dimali--just the name of a contact. Nicodranas is the only hanging thread at the moment, suggests Matt.

Funniest thing so far? BWF suggests Ashly Burch’s face while Molly was dying, because of the terror that was originally character terror becoming meta terror. Ashly told BWF later that she wanted to bawl her eyes out. Tal: “I’ve never felt so alive.” Other contenders: fluffernutter failing, the bug carrying the piece of bread. Laura says she had nothing in her brain at the moment and that was the first thing that came out. Sam loved seeing Travis being asked a simple boat question and realizing that his whole backstory was predicated on knowledge that he does not have. “I don’t know the answer to this test. I didn’t study!” Liam loved Travis’s face journey during the live show when Matt started his backstory. Somehow, the transcription of Liam’s statement got picked up by Travis’s Apple watch and sent to Postmates. It’s totally hilarious.

M9 character you’d never want to play as? Travis: Caleb, because he’s a wizard and squishy. BWF: Jester, because of the accent. Tal: Nott, because he’s not funny enough to pull her off. “You have a portal in your heart and I don’t know where it goes.” Sam: Orly, because of the accent.

BWF feels this campaign will go to 169 episodes. If he’s right, Sam offers to 69 him. “Denim on face.”

Everyone comments on Matt’s li’l scruffy beard. Liam’s the only beardless one now. Matt laments the next time they want facial capture they’ll make him shave his beard; Laura insists technology has advanced beyond it. Oh, voice actors.

BWF doesn’t know if he’ll be married by 2020. “It depends on if coughcancelBlindspotcough happens.” Sam looks forward to all the cool new shows on the Critical Role channel. Marisha’s excited to learn how to draw. Taliesin’s excited about things he can’t talk about. Liam’s excited for the live show and art gallery next week. Some of the fanartists will even be able to make it.

Travis very convincingly knows who he will be playing in the oneshot next week. Laura, in stark realization: “Oh, no.” Marisha points out that this oneshot will take place 24 hours after Vax’s death, and everyone’s a little nervous. Tal suggests scrapping the whole thing and having a shopping episode.

And that’s all for the night. We fade out on Laura being indignant about karaoke, which is probably the best way to start the year. Is it Thursday yet?

#critical role #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #critical role spoilers #long post for ts

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youremyonlyhope · 5 years

Text

Second Sons

Last episode for tonight.

Strong Sexual Content is on the M rating this time... I don’t think it’s usually there... usually nudity covers the sex scenes... great....

Before the horse came over the hill, I thought the Hound was literally carrying Arya. And it was a hilarious though. Hound is making the same point I made about her being alone. Arya, I know you haven’t seen the Hound in a long time, but he’s good now. OR at least, he’s decided to look out for the Stark kids. Or at least the Stark girls. Or maybe not look out for but just make sure they don’t die. I want to go rewatch scenes of the Hound looking out for Sansa now. It was so sweet. I just kind of realized, there are like 5 weddings happening right now. It’s insane. Hey it’s Ed Skrein! I forgot he’s in this show. Good for him. This Mero guy disgusts me. Daario keeps eyeing her. I want to say that I maybe just maybe heard something about him and Dany... but I also maybe just maybe imagined that. Mero, do not touch my girl Missandei. Can we not compare my baby Gendry to a lamb about to be slaughtered?

Ok so before starting this show, I knew that there are a lot of jokes made about Gendry rowing away forever, still being out there, since we don’t see him for a long time before Season 7. Is he about to row away now? I thought I’d be sad about it, but if he could die here then please baby row away forever to safety. I will manage not seeing him for multiple seasons.

Oh, I’m proud of Davos. Ok good. Stannis is kind of coming to his senses... a bit... Davos being a voice of reason. Should I like Daario? Should I be wary of him? Hmm... OH. This is an iconic Sansa look. At least, this is a look of her’s I’ve seen many times before. Sooooooo something’s gonna happen. Ok. Tyrion’s a good man. I do prefer him over Baelish when it comes to potential men she’d be forced to marry. “If you ever call me sister again I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.” YEahhhh ok. Nice. Ugh. Joffrey. Ugh. Why are you here? Why are you alive? I just need to take a second... everything that has happened to Sansa for the last 2 seasons has happened without ANYONE in her family having even the faintest idea. She’s getting MARRIED right now. I just... I just gasped. Joffrey. How dare you take away his step stool.

I hate this. Tyrion doesn’t deserve this. Sansa doesn’t deserve this.

“You think I’m trying to poison you?” YES, RED WOMAN. YES I DO. ...I’d heard something about leeches and Gendry... Yep ok I did not misread the term “dick leeches” when I saw that spoiler. Ok.

Wait.

WAIT.

WAIT WHAT. IS THIS HOW JOFFREY DIES? WILL ROBB DIE WITH HIM? WHY WERE THEY BOTH NAMED?? WHAT WILL THESE LEECHES DO??? I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE THE LAST GREYJOY NAME SO I’M EXTRA CONFUSED?? Oh no now I am so nervous. Something’s gonna happen. I love Lady Olenna. She is hilarious. But I do not feel like laughing. I am too scared to see what the leeches will do. Oh poor Loras. At least he’s trying to make an effort. Cersei’s just shutting him down. GOD. I. HATE. JOFFREY. Sansa’s still 14? 3 seasons and it’s not even been a year? Is there a time jump in later seasons? Because I know these Stark kids will get older. Also, lol, I literally wrote “StarKids” instead of “Stark kids” at first.

“I won’t share your bed. Not until you want me to.”

Ok. So. I saw a gifset of this line YEARS ago. And it’s been in the back of my mind for this entire run. I knew that even when Tyrion did things that weren’t exactly moral, I knew that he’d get to this point eventually. It gave me something to look forward to with his character. To see that he is beyond drunk and under pressure from his father to have an heir AND had his wedding become a circus because of his demon of a nephew, yet still tells her she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to... that’s pretty amazing. I mean, it’s basic human decency in our universe. But in this universe? It’s amazing.

I can’t think of any Game of Thrones scenes that break the Bechdel test right now, so yay for this scene of Dany and Missandei talking about languages and how proficient Missandei is in them! 19 languages? Good on you girl. Yay bonding! I love it. (Minus the handful of lines that mention Khal Drogo. But there was still back and forth lines between them not about men during the scene, so it passes.)

... Ok. I like Daario. I like him a lot. Sam! Finally. Been wondering how you and Gilly have been doing. Oh yay another creepy face tree. Aww... bonding. SEE. I knew the crows were up to something! I don’t like that this is the end of the episode. I don’t like that the moment just before this was very sweet and nice. I don’t like that Sam had to say “I will be back.” I don’t like any of this. I don’t want to unpause to watch the last minute.

WHAT

HOLD ON. I GOTTA SEE IF THERE’S A GIF THAT CAN DESCRIBE MY REACTION.

Ok Homer is the closest I could find.

THE DRAGON GLASS OR WHATEVER IT WAS CALLED. OH MY GOD. First of all, I did not realize that Craster was handing the babies off directly to the Night King dude. I assume that was the Night King. Unless, those guys are their own species so there are more of them... I assume there are more of them since the Night King is a thing by Season 7 based on spoilers. Was it better or worse that Sam went outside and saw it rather than it barging in on them in the cabin? Also, I DIDN’T SEE SAM PICK UP THE DRAGON GLASS. I understand that he was kind of shocked and just wanted to get out because the Night King shattered, BUUUUUTTTTT IT’S KIND OF IMPORTANT NOW.

I... can’t. Oh my god.

In all that craziness... I forgot that we still have to be worried about the leeches. Robb’s gonna be a dad! Don’t kill him off now! I didn’t recognize the Greyjoy name, I assume it’s Theon’s father, he’s... eh... he probably doesn’t deserve to die though. But Joffrey can go. Red Woman’s doing us all a favor with that one.

#hope watches game of thrones #ignore me if you want

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alleiradayne · 7 years

Text

In defense of character consistency

This has been sitting in my drafts for a while and now it’s time to drag it out. Mick Davey’s death on Superantural a few weeks ago spurred me to write this and after tonight’s episode, I’m so fucking done.

I’ve been thinking about this literary topic for a few years. It started when I finally read A Song of Ice and Fire. And then my interest in character continuity and consistency blossomed into a passion when Game of Thrones first aired.

I’ve since taken up writing again and find this to be one of the most crucial parts, if not the primary key to excellent storytelling.

Characters that behave in erratic ways, either against their previously established patterns or in a way that is inconsistent with the setting (read: against the setting’s rules), can and does throw a story’s pacing right off the rails. No, I’m not saying characters can’t change or grow or learn. But, I am saying that learning doesn’t happen over night or even in the span of a single arc.

I know GRRM isn’t perfect. I definitely have some complaints – for instance, Danaerys thinks about her tits a bit much and in ways or for reasons most women do not think about their own tits – but they are obviously minor. And he’s also learned and improved - e.g. Tyrion, the offensively acrobatic dwarf in the first book, compared to the chronic pain and truly less-able bodied person from the second book on.

However, what I love about Martin’s writing (as opposed to Weiss and Benioff’s writing or any other writers on this fucking show) is how consistently he writes his characters. No, they’re not predictable. But everything they do and think fits in their character’s established patterns and rarely does he fuck that up.

There’s a myriad reasons why the t.v. show is absolutely incapable of doing this. A large part of it is that D&D (Dan Weiss and David Benioff) have extremely different interpretations of and takeaways from the books than some (a lot of?) readers do. And then there’s the translation between book and television. However, the biggest and most grievous reason is their desire to produce “shocking” and “dramatically satisfying” television.

Which brings me to the main point of this post. I am so pissed off with Supernatural again. I’ve always been low-key angry with this show - hello, Ellen and Jo and Charlie and a plethora of other women characters. I know it jumped the shark in like season 6 but this season in particular really has me frustrated.

Mick. I’m talking about Mick. This goes back to my complaint about consistency and continuity. Mick was not an idiot. He was brilliant. He was complex. And they invested time in him, wrote more for him, and for what? So he could die? What even was the point of his character?

Oh, but it was so “shocking”!

Bullshit.

I’m so tired of this “no one’s safe except for the leads with plot armor” trope. Contrary to popular misconception, no, Martin doesn’t kill off shitloads of characters. And even if he did, he’d still do it better than any of these hack writers.

On top of that is the rehashing of tired issues that get put to bed the previous season but need to come up again, as if the characters are incapable of learning. Sam and Dean are better and smarter and far more creative than they’ve shown themselves to be this season. What’s with the repeat lies and trust issues again? And do people really enjoy watching this? I get that it’s a drama, but this drama feels very much like a checklist item they have to mark off every season at the sacrifice of true character growth (hello sibling co-dependency).

And I wonder how much of that is fueled by fandom response. Again, looking at our lesson in acedia poster child, Game of Thrones, people cannot get enough of the tripe, tired, rehashed plots. Instead of using the screen time for precise character building, they consistently use it for cheap thrills (The Hound’s continued existence), shock (Shireen’s demise), or really the punchline to bad fucking jokes (the death of Stannis’ wife).

No, instead they redo Dany’s plot with Tyrion in her place because she’s an idiot, Arya is forced to “train” for another season, and oh, when we really should spend a little more time on a subject, Jon is dead for five fucking minutes, resurrected, and nobody bats a fucking eye (except for Ed who asks the important fucking questions but nobody listens to him).

But the fans eat that shit up. In fact, they get a little angry when characters actually learn. Writers know this, so they trot out the same shit that makes them money. The same tired act -- including this week of Supernatural, which got me to finally come back to this rant, edit it, and post it. I’m sick of “shocking” and “dramatically satisfying t.v.” (thank you, @gotgifsandmusings and @theculturalvacuum for your wonderful podcast and writing that get me through this shit).

For once, I just want stories that fucking make sense. Have all the fantastical elements you want, but please, write consistent fucking characters that operate within the established rules of your world.

#rant #spn #got #spn spoilers #fyi if you want to debate this with me i'm cool with that #as long as we handle it like adults #any hate anon or otherwise #goes to the trash without a reply

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spnsimpleman · 7 years

Text

Easy lies and simple truth.

Sequel to In between the lines

In My Veins by Andrew Belle

Dean x Reader More ANGST with dollops of fluff

Word Count: 6106

A/N: Lines borrowed from Season 11 episodes “Don’t you forget about me.”, “Red Meat.”, and “The Chitters.” are in Bold.

“The lies we tell others are nothing compared to the lies we tell ourselves.” - Derek Landy

Dean ran down the hall and careened into her room. “Y/n?” He stared at the perfectly made bed. He took another step forward picturing her that morning, the sheets twisted around her and her head shoved in the pillow. Why didn't he say more? Why didn't he urge her to come?

He scanned the room and his gaze froze on the notepad sitting on the desk. His heart dropped into his stomach. He walked over and picked it up then looked in the trash can. Two water bottles and some scraps of paper but then he dropped the notepad and grabbed two balled up pieces of paper.

He placed them on the desk and flattened the first one out. Her writing was sloppy, slanted, and she had scribbled over it but it was still legible. He remembered that night before. The things he said echoing in his head like a pickaxe as he read her scrawl.

Pros and cons of loving Dean Winchester, of staying in the shadows with Dean Winchester, standing in his shadow.

I want more.

Not with this thing with Amara.

Not tonight.

Feminine outbursts.

He dragged his hand down his face then crumpled up the paper and threw it back in the trash. “Fuck.”

He dropped into her chair and opened the second one.

Dean,

I'm sorry but I had to go. When you read this, I’ll be too far so please don't try to follow. It's time for me to find what I want need. I owe that to my parents and I owe that to myself. I will always have a place for you in my heart but...

Sam’s boots echoed down the hall and Dean jumped up shoving the page into his pocket.

“Dean?”

“In here!”

Sam stepped into the room, his gaze flying around before settling on his brother. “You find anything? A note maybe?”

Dean glanced at the notepad and cleared his throat. “No. Not yet.” He walked around to the other side of the bed and opened the nightstand drawer.

“She wouldn't just…” Sam trailed off and Dean looked up as he walked over to the desk.

Dean cringed as Sam reached into the trash and pulled out the crumpled page. He cleared his throat quietly, “what is it?”

Sam opened it, read it, and glanced at Dean. He stared at the page, his brow furrowing. “I knew it but…” he looked at his brother. “You two… I didn't know you were hiding it from each other too.” Sam dropped the paper on the bed, “she didn't say anything to you about leaving?”

I want more than this. I’m just so tired.

I don't understand it. I can't control it.

I know. I get it.

I just don't get to keep the good things. I've been lucky to have you this long.

Every word beat against his skull and he shook his head, “no, I told you! She said she thought she was sick. That all the research must've made it worse because she felt like death and didn't want us to catch it.” Dean realized too late that he sounded defensive. He dropped his gaze to the bed, “I don't know, man. Maybe she just needed space.”

“This isn't the best time to run off.”

“Yeah, well, she never liked being bossed around. Maybe I said something I shouldn't have.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck, words from that night and morning still pelting him.

“Yeah, I guess.” Sam strode out of the door, “I'll try her phone again.”

Dean listened to his brother’s fading footsteps then grabbed the page from the bed, glanced at it as if something would’ve changed then cursed. He crumpled it back up and threw it in the trash. He hoped that she wasn't trying to find Amara on her own and that she truly was trying to find something for herself instead of chasing down this dead end life. He failed to give her what she needed before and he knew he couldn't do that to her again. He needed to do what she asked, to let her go.

He pulled the note from his pocket and sat on her bed as he straightened it enough to read.

I will always have a place for you in my heart but this isn't enough anymore. We will always have those times, all those trysts that I will never forget. I love you, Dean, and because I know you, I can't put you through my silly feminine outbursts.

“Damnit.” He slammed his fist into the bed beside him. That ache in his chest was back but at least this time it had nothing to do with Amara. He brushed his fingers over her wavering script. “I'm so sorry, y/n.”

He grit his teeth against the lump in his throat and the moisture building in his eyes. Then slowly and carefully he folded her letter, once, twice, three times. He pulled out his wallet and tucked it neatly inside before replacing his wallet and leaving the room hoping the memories would stay behind him too.

Lawrence, Kansas

The lunch rush was probably your favorite time at the Ladybird because you never really had a chance to think too much. The place was almost always busy, something you had noticed your first week in town and found fantastic luck getting the freshly opened spot the manager didn't even get to advertise yet.

“Gosh darn it if you don't get all the luck. Taken a break recently?” Elly giggled beside you as you finished up the milkshake for table one.

You placed the cherry on top and lifted the glass with a glance toward table three where she was staring. Two men were sitting down pulling their jackets off and you froze at the plaid shirts they revealed. You shook it off as the man facing your way looked over and grinned. The Winchesters were not in Lawrence and they wouldn't come here on a whim.

You turned to Elly, she was raking her fingers through her dirty blonde hair ruffling it in a very practiced way. She was also a transplant in this ‘big city’ from a tiny town in Kansas but she'd been here a little over six months longer than you. “You want it? I might be taking a break…” you winked as you took a step toward table one. “After I get their order, if I see you over there then I am taking a break.” Her blue eyes lit up and you turned around shaking your head on your way to your table. For a woman who escaped a boring life and a shitty ex-husband, she definitely hadn't lost her hopeless romantic side.

You passed out drinks with an easy smile and took the small family’s order. You winked at Elly as you passed by table three.

“Bacon burger and a piece of pecan pie. Are you sure that's all you'd like?” Elly smiled leaning in toward the man that had shaken you for a moment. They were good looking men but they didn't hold a candle to your boys.

After putting table one’s order in and checking on your other two tables, you stepped out back for a few minutes of fresh air. You tilted your head back basking in the sun and breathed in the cool air. A strong breeze tossed a few errant strands of hair across your face then up into the air.

Get better, okay? His voice whispered in your mind, a memory haunting you at the worse time. You could almost feel his lips on his favorite spot between your shoulder and neck. Be safe. You massaged the ache that suddenly appeared in that very spot.

It had already been a month since you'd left the bunker and you thought by now you’d have a better handle than this. You made the choice to leave, it was a good decision, the right decision. You just needed to make peace with that so every time someone or something reminded you of him this wouldn't happen.

Right, so why did you decide to work in the one place that had almost all of his favorite things? Who were you kidding? He would love this place and it was one of the reasons why you loved it. You dragged in one last breath and walked back inside.

You were doing just fine on your own and had a proper job with no issues so far. This place was great despite its clientele with certain clothing preferences. The number one thing was you didn't have to hide anything from your friends. Sort of.

The cook spotted you as he lifted two plates to the pass, “just in time. Table two. Got about five minutes left on table one.”

“Thanks, Jerry.”

He winked, “you know I can do more than prepare delicious food with these hands.”

“Thanks but no thanks.” Almost no issues. He was harmless but it was starting to get on your nerves. You could only imagine what Dean and Sam would do.

You had to force your smile back in place before taking the plates to table two. You glanced at the clock, fifteen minutes. The lunch rush couldn't get into full swing fast enough.

You loved to walk to work even on cold, overcast days. There was something about the feel of downtown Lawrence that just energized you. Maybe it was the people with and without animals playing at the park you passed or the ones moving about their day along the sidewalks as if this was the only place to be or the fact that none of them were running in fear but for exercise.

You turned onto Massachusetts street and spotted the small bookstore that you loved to peruse sometimes just for the small old library feel drenched in the genuine aromas of wood shelves and books.

“Y/n! Wait up!”

You stopped and turned around smiling at Elly running down the sidewalk. When she reached you, she practically jumped into your arms. “Hello to you too.”

“Oh my god! You have to come with me tonight! After work. It’s everything!” She was beaming at you bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“What in the world..? Slow down.”

She did an excited little dance you’d seen quite a few times in the last few months. “Okay, so Kevin was just walking me to work and we bumped into Jake Owen!! He is super nice and gave us tickets to tonight’s show!! You have to come with us!!”

“That’s great.” You smiled, “who is he?”

She rolled her eyes and giggled, “oh, funny girl. Kevin said hi by the way and Steve said he’d be delighted to be your date.”

You turned and started toward the Ladybird. “Oh, that’s really nice and all but I’m not really looking for a relationship. Tell him thanks, though.”

She ran up beside you and fell perfectly into synchronized step with you, something she blamed on her marching band years with a smile. “No! I can’t go without you! This is Jake Owen we’re talking about! And he gave me four tickets it would just be awful to waste one. Terrible manners!”

“Who is this guy anyway?”

She gasped and grabbed your arm, “tell me you do not know Jake Owen.”

“I do not know Jake. Is he from here or something?”

She burst out laughing, “oh my god, bless your heart!” She swiped at her eyes as she pulled herself back together. “I’m going to educate you on some fine country dancing and music.”

“Oh. Ummm…”

“Do you have plans? I mean I know Jerry has been asking but Steve, well, I mean you’ve seen him! Tall, dark, and handsome, am I right? I know he’s not as good-looking as his best friend but come on, you’ve got to admit he is one fine specimen!”

You opened the door and stepped inside connecting with Jerry’s dull gray gaze immediately. He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. You groaned, “is there alcohol?”

“Yes! It’s a secret show at the Slow Ride Roadhouse.”

“Fine.”

She squealed as you both headed to the backroom to put your things away. “This is going to be epic!”

You forced a smile and thought of the plans you originally had for tonight in front of the television with Netflix and Twizzlers. Of course, you had some pretty epic nights when Dean had talked you into going to a bar instead of sitting in front of a television.

“Come on, we could play some pool, have a couple of drinks, maybe fool around.”

You scooted back on the bed until your back hit the wall then you lifted your beer and pointed to the small tv. “Or I could just watch some hilariously crappy tv, have a few laughs without going out and dealing with dipshits.”

He smacked his hand over his heart, “ouch. Am I really that shitty of a wingman?” He stalked toward the bed, “you would choose a crappy motel over a night on the town with me?”

You saw the look in his eye and raised your hand. “Don’t. Dean, don’t. I’m serious.”

He stopped beside the bed and you shimmied over to the side, “there’s enough room for you right here. You love a good cheesy b movie. You know you want to.” You rubbed your hand on the bed beside you and he looked down pushing his bottom lip out. “Don’t give me that…” Then he jumped on the bed and attacked your sides. “Stop!” You shrieked, “I’m going to spill the beer!”

“You know the magic words.”

“This is... “ You shoved at his hands and squirmed while trying to keep the beer upright as he continued to attack your ticklish spots. “Childish!” He only laughed in return and you finally caved. “Okay! Okay! Uncle, Sonofabitch!”

He released you but didn’t move off the bed. “Uncle sonofabitch is new. Would I like him?” You glared at him and he leaned over you, plucked the beer from your hand, and took a sip without moving away. He grimaced, “this would taste much better at the bar.” He slid his hand down to your side and slowly pulled your shirt down making sure his hand was against your skin the whole way. “Ready?”

“I’m not going in this.”

“What? Why not?”

You stood up and sauntered over to your bag, “because two can play this game, Winchester.

“Y/n?”

“Sorry, what?” You flashed an apologetic smile to Elly as you finished tying your apron.

“Your apron… it’s backward. You okay?”

You glanced down and chuckled, “yeah, yeah. Just lost in thought.”

She wiggled her eyebrows as she moved toward the door, “thinking about Steve?”

“No.”

She did a little spin as she headed to the door. “Just give him a chance. He’s a nice guy. See you out there.”

You fixed your apron and sighed, “I’m sure he is.” Dean’s smile flashed in your mind’s eye and you shook your head.

Just a little more time and they’ll be more distant memories that won’t pop up as much. You were sure of it. You had to be.

Dean laid down and stretched out getting more comfortable on the couch as the old movie continued on the projection screen. Normally, he wouldn't have bothered setting it up but he had needed the distraction. He lifted his beer from the floor and took a few swigs then grabbed a handful of Twizzlers after putting the beer down.

Sam had already headed off to bed and Dean was contemplating borrowing Sam’s laptop since it was still on the table behind the couch and his was back in his bedroom. He rolled his eyes as the lead character made a stupid decision along with spouting a terrible line. He laughed and turned his head with a great quip on the tip of his tongue then his smile fell as he gazed at the empty side of the couch.

How many times had they done this very thing? Stayed up late watching movies long after Sam had called it a night and some of those nights had ended in being extremely awesome.

He tilted his head looking up at her and rubbed his hand along her leg resting by his head. “Do chicks really get turned on by that? I mean they know he’s leading them to their death, right?”

She smirked down at him, “are you asking me if all people of my gender are morons?”

He raised his brow as he slid his hand over her knee. “Just wondering if the stupid hero actually gets in their pants.”

She glanced at his hand and tilted her head before stopping any further progress up her thigh. “The stupid hero in real life usually ends up dead.”

He pulled up into a sitting position beside her without removing his hand and leaned in, “what about the smart, incredibly skilled hunters that save the day?” He watched her pull in a breath and licked his lips when her gaze flicked down to his mouth.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever met one.” She grinned, “well, maybe Sammy. I’ll have to ask him.”

He watched her with his heart pounding and if he wasn’t careful these sweats weren’t going to hide anything for long. She pulled his hand further up her thigh then under her shorts. He groaned when he touched skin that should’ve been covered by another piece of clothing. “You’re trying to kill me.”

Her eyes danced when he met her gaze again. “I told you that’s what usually happens in the real world.”

“Hey, you seen… oh fuck, dude! Really? Ground rules, not in common rooms!”

Dean yanked his hand from his pants and sat up. “What? I...” He cleared his throat flinching at the gravelly tone.

“I saw nothing. Just getting my laptop. And you better clean it up! Gross!”

Dean blew out a breath in frustration against the strain in his pants and the memory. He may have given her space but her memory definitely wasn’t helping him. Well, not in the proper way. He glanced toward the hall and wondered if he’d be able to get it back then realized how sad that sounded. He should be trying to get her back but nothing’s changed.

He growled as he laid back down flustered, frustrated, and probably soon to be blue balled.

You walked up to your apartment door keeping space between you and Steve trying with everything in you not to give him the wrong impression. You shoved the key in, unlocked it then put your hand on the doorknob and looked over your shoulder, “thanks for walking me home.” You gave him a tight smile, it wasn’t necessary but whatever.

“Thanks for coming.” He shrugged, brushing the tips of his brown hair with his shoulders. “I know you’re not really into country but I hope you had fun.”

You turned toward him. “Thanks. How did you..?”

He chuckled, “you didn’t know the guy or any of the music that played tonight except for Lynyrd Skynyrd.”

“Oh. Right.” You frowned, “sorry if I… came off cold. I’m just not really looking for anything like that right now. I tried telling Elly…”

He smiled and waved it off, “don’t worry. Those two tend to get lost in their own world most times. Thanks for not leaving me as the third wheel.”

You laughed, “yeah, anytime.” He really had been nice and never stepped over the line. He had been the perfect gentlemen and didn't take it hard when you had barked out that it wasn't a date.

He opened his arms, “can I give you a hug? Just to round the night out?”

“Sure.” You stepped down the two stairs and into his arms. His hug was warm and just the right pressure. “Thanks, Sam.”

“What?”

You pulled back so fast you stumbled up the stair, “I’m so sorry… that.. I didn’t…” you cursed under your breath as you finally righted yourself pressing your stinging hand against your jeans.

“It’s okay, y/n. Really. Is Sam an ex or something?”

You wrapped your arms around your middle, “no. He was… my friend, actually. Best Friend.”

“Oh, Jesus. I’m so sorry for your loss.” His deep blue eyes easily and genuinely conveying sorrow and concern. Even with the completely wrong color, you saw Sam.

Confusion furrowed your brow and then you realized you said was. “It’s not…” You forced a smile, “it’s okay. You just remind me of him in a good way. It’s just… still hard for me.” The look that passed over his face made you feel so guilty. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“No, no. This is just a really shit situation. Thanks for telling me. I’m really sorry. If you ever need anything. You have my number, right?”

You nodded, “thanks. Sorry... again.”

“Please don’t. You have a good night.”

“You too.” You turned, opened your door, and slipped inside closing it quietly. You leaned back against the door and shut your eyes. He reminded you so much of Sam. God, you missed them so much. Five months and you still couldn't move on.

You pushed off the door and strode into the bedroom. You knelt beside your bed, shoved your hand under your mattress, and pulled out your old phone. A few seconds to replace the battery the correct way then powered it on. You clutched the phone waiting for the screen to light up. It finally flashed and your home screen came to life.

You tapped on messages, opened Sam’s thread, then highlighted call contact and hesitated for a second before pressing the button. The phone began ringing and you were still gripping it in your hand. It was stupid really. Why were you doing this to yourself?

“Y/n? Y/n, is that you?” You stared at the screen ticking off the seconds of the call as Sam’s voice flowed from the speakers. “Please tell me you’re okay.”

“Sam,” You choked out.

“Y/n, where are you?”

“I’m okay. I am. I just…” You sighed and pressed the phone to your face, “I missed you guys so much.”

“Then… why did you leave?”

You closed your eyes, “I couldn’t pretend anymore, Sammy. I can’t. I know it’s hard for him with the Amara thing but I just… I couldn’t do it anymore.” There was a pause and you thought he might’ve hung up on you. He had every damn right to do it but then he sighed. “It was selfish and I’m so sorry, Sammy.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You know I would’ve understood. I’m always here for you, you know that, right?”

The sob came out before you could even think about his words. His soothing voice was something you had needed for months.

“It’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure it out. We’re all going to be okay.”

You cried, unable to stop and Sam continued as if he was right there with you. You began to gain some semblance of control again but your voice still broke, “why did I have to fall for him? I told myself it was a bad idea.”

“Because you two were just good for each other. It happens. You were the best thing he’s had… ever. That terrifies him and I’m sure it wasn't easy for you either. What about now? Are you okay?”

“Besides missing my best friends, I’m doing really good. I’ve got a nice job at a diner in... this city. It’s nice and normal. Seeing these people just living their lives without fear… it's been therapeutic.”

“That’s… that’s great.”

You winced, “how about you guys? How’s… everything?”

“Do you want the real thing or just…”

“Real, seriously.”

“It’s been a little crazy since you left.” He paused then chuckled, “I saw my old imaginary friend, they're actually real creatures.”

“Are you being serious or messing with me?”

“Completely serious. I punched him and Dean threatened him.” The sound of his laughter made you feel light and eased the heavy feeling in your chest. “We met another hunter too. She’s really good and deaf, believe it or not. Those two things are kind of the highlights since you've been gone as twisted as that sounds. Oh, and we visited Jody and the girls. They're doing good.”

“That's great, sounds like a fun time.” You recalled the cryptic texts from Claire and Jody after that visit.

“It was probably a good thing that you left when you did, to be honest. There have been a few crazy... cases. Um… but we might be closer to finding a way to deal with Amara. We’re taking it one day at a time, you know?”

“Yeah.” You sighed, “I know this sounds shitty, but do you think we could keep talking? Texting if it’s easier. I could give you my new number.”

“Yes. I mean that’s the best way to know that you’re okay.”

“And you guys. If you need… anything.”

“Yeah.”

You ended the conversation with the normal talk to you later but you had felt something off and wondered if it would be hard for him. You didn’t say not to tell Dean but it would probably be hard to tell him that and there was something else you couldn’t quite put your finger on. A sadness in his voice but that’s what you were feeling, that was why you called him.

Your phone buzzed and you looked at the silent one in your hand then realized it was your new one. You glanced up and snatched it off the night stand.

Unknown Number: Goodnight, y/n.

You smiled, clicking on the message and entering the contact in your phone. Then sent a reply, I’m such an idiot for not doing this sooner.

Sam: Get some sleep. Ttyl

You chuckled, “okay. Who even says that anymore.” You typed back, Nite, then laid down in bed and actually passed out without tossing and turning.

Sam was cooking bacon, sausage, and eggs and just before he needed to take the meats out of the pan he heard Dean’s shuffling feet in the hall. Right on time.

“God, y/n, I thought you’d never come…”

Sam turned from the stove, his brow drawing together as Dean’s face fell then he pulled an about face and walked out of the kitchen. Sam cursed under his breath. He thought the breakfast meats would be a good pick me up for after everything that happened recently especially his screw up in hell.

Sam had desperately needed a morale booster and got a great one last night from y/n but he didn’t see that name coming from Dean’s lips this morning. The look on his face… he must've been dreaming then woke up to the smell of the breakfast she always made after a bad hunt. Shit.

Sam pulled the last of the bacon and sausage out of the pan and onto the plate then snapped the stove off. He was debating his next move thinking of the nights he’d found Dean asleep in her old bed or caught him walking down the hallway past her room like he was torturing himself or trying to find comfort, he wasn't sure which. He wondered if Dean even knew.

He didn't know what to do since Dean wouldn't talk about it, he wouldn't admit that he missed her. Even when Claire brought it up at Jody’s, dean didn't rise to the bait.

“And don't expect the guy, as much as I love Henry, to always show up packing. Am I right?”

Sam thought he was going to choke on the food he kept shoveling into his mouth to avoid the question.

Dean mumbled, “what?”

“Seriously?”

Jody was begging for help when Claire blurted out, “oh, dean and y/n aren’t sleeping together anymore. I've noticed the lack of Winchester in our texts.” Dean looked at her and she grinned as she took a bite of chicken.

Sam glanced between the two of them as Alex answered Jody then she left the room. It was awkward but it was the look on Dean’s face after that haunted him.

He was still sitting with the girls after Dean headed for the kitchen but caught part of their conversation on the way to the bathroom.

“But if she's hiding in it because she doesn't have anything else. I'm just worried about her being so alone. That goes for you too. Y/n was good for you guys. Anyone could see that.”

“Well,” dean glanced over and caught him standing by the door. “I’ll put Sammy on it. He's better with the whole talking thing anyway.”

Sam had hoped that after Dean thought he died last week that maybe he would have reached out to her but if she called like that last night, there's no way he did. She didn't know a thing about what they'd been up against and through the last five months.

If they didn't figure out a way to deal with Amara soon, he was more concerned with how Dean would fare without y/n. He wasn't doing so hot these days and he was still dreaming of her or seeing her or whatever this was. Between whatever this Amara connection was doing to him and missing Y/n, quite frankly, it scared him.

Dean watched Jesse and Caesar's truck drive away with an ache in his chest he hadn't felt for a while. At least, a week.

“Couldn't do it, huh?”

Dean cleared his throat with a slight shake of his head. “Nah, didn't feel right.”

Sam’s phone buzzed again and he picked it up. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Two hunters that make it to the finish line.”

“Yeah, you leave that alone.” Dean glanced at Sam tapping away at his phone.

“They were a really good team. It's nice to see a relationship actually survive.”

Dean leaned over and smirked trying to see who he was texting. “Eileen? Tell her I said hi.”

“What?” Sam turned and Dean saw a different name on Sam’s phone.

Dean jerked back against his seat, turned the key and revved the engine. “Don’t.”

“What?”

Dean refused to look at him. “I know where you're going. Just… don’t.”

“Just because you're being an idiot doesn't mean I can’t talk to my friend.”

“What?”

“Oh, so you weren't talking about me texting y/n?”

His jaw clenched, “drop it. She wanted to leave for a reason and I let her go.”

“Okay.” Sam eyed him but didn’t say any more.

Dean gripped the wheel keeping his eyes on the road as he tried to direct his thoughts away from Y/n but it never really worked when she was already there. Everyone kept trying to act like they knew what was going on, like they knew how he was screwing it up, but they didn't have a damn clue.

Jody got on his back about it. Well, that was a bit harsh but she thought she was helping when she didn't understand.

“I am worried about you too. I'm being serious. What happened with y/n?” He scratched the back of his neck. “Oh please tell me you didn't screw it up.”

“No. Sorta. Maybe.” Jody’s brow rose, “she wanted more and I… I couldn't put her through what that could mean.”

“Christ, you didn't have to think so damn far ahead.”

“Yeah, I know, but she left to get a taste of the normal life like this and I'm not going to screw that up for her.” Jody eyed him, “come on, I don't need that.”

“Come here.” She hugged him, “you're a good man but sometimes you can be as dumb as a bag of rocks.”

“Thanks.”

“Why don't you call her?”

He rolled his eyes, “she wanted out and I'm not pulling her back in especially when I still can't give her what she wants. We've got squat on a way to defeat Amara and… quite frankly it scares the shit out of me.”

“Good.”

“What?”

“Fear will keep your ass alive. You get cocky and you end up dead.”

Dean grinned, “been there, done that.” He looked away fiddling with the plates trying to ignore the ghost of y/n’s smile and her laughing words in his head, ‘I told you that's what usually happens in the real world’.

Y/n never seemed to be very far from his thoughts no matter how hard he tried. She was good, she had to be. She found somewhere to make something that didn't involve the chance of death every time she turned around. He had been tempted to find out where she was even more after Claire had goaded him.

“Don't worry I know what I've got. Jody was gonna take a bullet for me.”

“You're gonna make her life less hellish?”

“What about y/n? She's alone now.”

“Yeah, well, she’s happier with the normal thing and she's got nothing to lose.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Does it really help you sleep better?”

Damn, that girl knew how to get under his skin. He had wondered how much she knew about y/n’s new life and if she was really alone. But this was y/n, she may not have been extremely friendly when they had met her but she opened up when she trusted them. A person that good doesn't end up alone. And he didn't really trust himself with that knowledge. He wouldn't even get her new cell number from Sam because he knew with the way things had been going, it might not take much to do something stupid especially if he was drunk.

He knew the end of this Amara business might mean the end of him. Every day that goes by when they don't find something concrete, when every lead ends in a dead end, he could feel his clock ticking down. And if there was one thing he wasn't going to ruin in this world, it would be her.

The only voice that rang louder than y/n’s was Michelle Tilghman who watched the love of her life die, first by becoming a monster and again when Sam put a silver bullet through its heart. She seemed to die right along with him that day.

He could still see her sitting in that chair staring blindly forward. He could hear his own voice sounding like a broken record. The look she gave him like she knew he was spewing shit and not only knew he was lying but she pitied him for it.

“Michelle, this is gonna be very hard. But you will be okay. And eventually, eventually, you'll get back to normal.”

She gave him that look reserved for people who understand but are still lying to themselves about it. “No, I won't. They said I could leave... an hour ago. But where am I even supposed to go?”

That was the very moment when he finally saw the truth, finally heard the one thing deep down that he feared the most. It wasn't that Y/n might die or get hurt, it was the fact that if she loved him that much and survived when he would surely die, what was he leaving her with? What was he leaving her to endure? The loss of a love like that drove his dad insane with finding the source but she wouldn't even have that. How many had he found destroyed by grief over the loss of a loved one through all these years?

No. He wouldn't be the person who broke y/n. She didn't deserve to live life like that, to suffer through something that too many never made it out of. He couldn't hurt her, so he let her go. No matter how many memories haunted him and tortured him, he was used to it. He’d do anything to keep her from that no matter how much pain it caused him.

That was the very thing that helped him see the simple truth he’d been hiding from himself all along; he loved her. He loved her with everything he was and he would rather let her go live a life free of him than put her through any misery at all let alone one that could take everything he loved about her and crush it.

He’d made plenty of mistakes in his life but hurting her that viciously wouldn't be one.

@duchessofwinchester , @jodyri , @jencharlan , @deanssweetheart23 , @torn-and-frayed , @Chrisatplay , @thing-you-do-with-that-thing , @distinguishedqueenofbooks , @emmysthougts , @wonderange, @tmccarney , @archer-whovian-violinist , @maddieburcham1 , @dont-nightmoves-me ,

I tried to remember my tag list plus the ones that asked for this story specifically or showed interest since it took me forever to polish this and post it! Let me know if I missed anyone or if you’re interested. I have about fourish parts planned for this.

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loquaciousquark · 6 years

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E42 (November 20, 2018)

Dani was actually goofing around quite a bit here, but this still makes me think of some glorious 90s band, so I’m keeping it.

Anyway! The inimitable @eponymous-rose has done more than her share of recaps lately, so here I am picking up where I’ve been slacking off. Tonight’s guests are Marisha Ray and Laura Bailey (with special guest appearance from Ronin! Awwww), so I can hardly wait. We’re discussing Episode 42: A Hole in the Plan.

Tonight’s announcements: Brian is bursting with an announcement he’s not allowed to reveal for another six months. His favorite guess: something about him stealing all the money from the company and moving to an island, but that’s actually his long game, not the short one.

Throughout November, they’re raising money for Operation Supply Drop, Travis’s favorite charity, which supports both active and retired military.

No episode of Critical Role this week due to Thanksgiving. There will also be no episode of Talks Machina next Tuesday; instead, they’ll be airing Sam’s Fireside Chat! This was a reward from the Critter donations to the Pablove Foundation.

Critical Role hoodies are back in the store; the print is very similar to the original with a bit more embellishment on the text on the back.

“Honey Heist 3: Tova’s Honies” airs this Friday at 7pm Pacific! Marisha: “It was bear-nanas.” Laura: “Oh, no.”

CR Stats: Jester has cast Blessing of the Trickster 31 times; 15 of those times were on Nott. Jester technically won her bar brawl with Sorris! She dealt 16 points of damage to his 15. Beau continues to have the most natural 20s with 49. She also has the most natural 1s, womp womp. Marisha: “Well, I roll a lot, you know?” Brian: “Well, your husband is also a tyrant and not to be messed with.” Marisha says she thinks Gil’s die is cursed and everyone gasps. How dare.

Does Brian feel the pressure of following Dani, who was such an excellent host last week? No; when he went through the potential list of fill-ins, the only one that made sense was Dani.

Marisha sees Darktow as a super-abusive socialist society, which does not sit well with Beau. It’s a silk trap.

Jester’s conversation with Caleb was triggered by Fjord’s kiss, especially with her wondering if it really meant anything to either of them. Laura thinks of her high school crushes and how hard you crushed & how devastated you were at every perceived slight; Jester only has the view of romance through her mother, which means physical affection is very different from emotional affection in her mind. On Brian’s asking, Laura’s high school crush was Han Solo. When Laura’s sister was 12, she paid her $15 to paint Han and Leia in a dip kiss, which she still has framed in her current house. I’m dying, this is adorable.

Beau doesn’t exactly trust that Fjord is going to do the right thing, but him sleeping with Avantika doesn’t trigger her red flags in terms of “looking out for each other, keeping each other in check.” She’s looking more for them bullying someone when they don’t need to, being violent when it’s not necessary. “Pursuing power to endless depths and fucking hot pirates, that’s fine with Beau. She just doesn’t want to kill children.” Brian marvels at how this fits into Jester & Caleb’s conversation about killing people from the most recent episode.

Jester can tell Caleb is tortured, and more than anything she wants people not to be sad around her. She just wants desperately for him to be happy.

Marisha has thought a ton about what Beau would have said if Jester had come to her first about the kiss, especially since it was Jester’s first kiss (Marisha assumes, and Jester answers in an adorably non-committal not-not-a-negative). Beau would have been game for it. She doesn’t know if Beau would have given good advice, but she would have tried her best.

Brian spills that Mary’s character’s CHA in their home game is 6. They discuss Nott’s score of 5 and enjoy themselves mightily at both of their expenses.

GIF of the Week! By @ropadoper, it’s Liam casting Reduce and then the Wall of Fire at the end of the episode, both of which involve Marisha falling out of her chair to the floor in reaction so that only her forehead is visible. Everyone is being so cute this episode I can hardly stand it.

As a reminder, an international shipping facility has been created in the UK. Laura asides to tell Travis the keys are in the diaper bag. Literally everyone is in the studio tonight except Sam, EVEN ASHLEY.

Jester thinks the Traveler always gives very good advice, but his suggestion to trick Fjord was the first time ever she felt a little hesitation to follow his advice. Brian: “Is that because he’s never been wrong or because she’s never been allowed to disagree?” Laura says it’s always been amazing advice so far, much more a best-friend relationship, but this was the first time she didn’t want to take his suggestion wholesale because she wasn’t sure it’s how she wanted to get Fjord to like her. Marisha really likes the dynamic of finding out your childhood best friend is a god.

Beau finds herself still being careful with her walls--Marisha imagines Beau was put in a lot of, like, pageant dresses as a kid--so when Jester commented on her hair and then laughed, she felt a little of that “wait, what, do you actually care? Do I look like shit?” Laura says she laughed, not Jester, because it was the most random thing to compliment Beau on.

Beau’s haircut came into being because it was cool & because Marisha wishes she were brave enough to try an undercut.

Brian’s convinced Fjord’s got gills. Dani: “What do you think Fjord is?” Brian: “Obviously a water man. Water genasi. What are water genasi?”

Beau wasn’t surprised Allison rejected her; she’s used to it. Ack. She was looking for an ally against Avantika, Big Brother style. “Instead she just shat in an alleyway with Nott.”

Laura’s not perturbed the Traveler hasn’t mentioned Fjord’s god; he doesn’t really talk about/care about other gods or patrons. Brian suggests he’s actually the Dongfather in disguise. This show’s collective mental age is smaller than Pike, haha.

Beau felt like such an interloper when Sam asked her to help with Fluffernutter, like the best friend trying to be in on a joke without really knowing what’s going on. Marisha also takes a moment to praise Laura for her Jester over the last few episodes; she’s digging into the metaphorical popcorn every time Jester & Nott start going off. (Me too, bud.) Jester’s description of the insect carrying a piece of bread is one of her favorite D&D moments ever. Both Marisha & Laura are agog at how many little plans they’ve tried have gone disastrous and then circled back around to being mostly okay again.

Beau was a little hurt when she wasn’t asked to help break into the captain’s quarters, since that’s her specialty, but it was eased by being able to help with her knowledge anyway. However, she knew since she didn’t have any magic, she had no escape plan aside from jumping off the boat. She laughs that that’s what they ended up doing anyway.

Jester views sex as a transaction, which is why she’s not particularly bothered by Fjord sleeping with Avantika.

Fanart of the Week: @jdillustrates, with a lovely portrait of Caduceus.

Jester’s warring between the logical part of her brain (he was saving her life) and the romantic part of her brain (did he want to kiss me, though?).

There are reasons Beau learned Deep Speech--not as complicated as most people think--that will be revealed eventually. “Nerdy reasons, not because she was kidnapped and turned into a cultist.”

Fjord/Avantika does make her jealous, but it’s also serving a purpose. Laura compares it to telling the high school crush to go hang out with a best friend, only to have them start dating.

Marisha doesn’t feel like Beau’s plans were overly shot down this episode--it’s something she hadn’t even noticed until this question. Marisha feels like it’s so much of a group effort with everyone trying to get to the right plan that it’s hard to pick out who contributed what part of which plan.

Brief interlude to examine a portrait of Brian that looks like George Michael.

In re: the Molly disguise: Beau felt like there was just a wall of regret walking towards her, because it was the friend she let die and the one-night stand. Beau never felt it was actually Molly, though. Jester picked Molly because when Nott said “Keg,” she instantly associated it with “someone who is really cool--who’s also super cool?” Everyone commiserates over how into the night’s shenanigans Molly would have been.

Beau was frustrated while being detained, but she also knew it was going to happen, so it wasn’t a huge issue. She felt like that was where the challenge began for her--anything to get the guard away from what was going on.

Another brief interlude where everyone experiments with how to make power vaginas with their hands. “This is the car salesman power vagina.” I feel like wherever the rails are for this show, they’re so far gone they might as well be little stars in the sky.

Laura thinks Jester’s reaction to Caleb’s backstory would be much different than Caleb imagines it. Both Laura & Marisha talk about how Caleb’s convinced the moment people realize, they’re gone; there’s also the complication that Beau’s “comforting” is not actually that comforting. “She’d say, ‘you know, they won’t care,’” (which Marisha points out, Caleb would respond--how could someone not care about this?) when what she means is, “They love you and won’t abandon you over this.”

Laura and Marisha are both pumped about Caleb’s Wall of Fire--the walk to the dock was like “getting called to the principal’s office, except the principal is going to kill you.” Laura’s immediate reaction was regret she’d tossed the gems, but she loved his decision since she was panicking IRL & her heart was legit pounding. They also both get super enthusiastic bashing Nott’s plan to dump the haversack in an alley. “It’s bright pink! Someone would have definitely seen it!”

Marisha really misses Professor Thaddeus, but is convinced she’ll never see him again. Dani: “He’s your Nymeria, your Arya.” Marisha, tearfully: “He’s gonna come with his flock of owls and gouge out everyone’s eyes but ours.”

Laura’s convinced Sprinkle is magic, since he definitely should be dead twice over.

Quebec is for Lovers: After Dark edition

Neither Laura nor Marisha are cooking this year. Laura & Travis have no Thanksgiving plans at all this year. My gosh, if they were here my parents would be stuffing them full of turkey yesterday, even though they have no idea who they are.

Brian teases Max over messing with Trinket & carrying him back and forth in his car. Dani wants one TM where Brian isn’t mean to Max. Max, offscreen: “I’m FINE. I’m GOOD.” Marisha laughs that Max was okay with Brian’s teasing but shooting daggers at the TDs laughing.

Brian gives Dani an A for amazing and adorable, but not asshole.

Dani ships Percy/Vex, Keyleth/Vax, and Fjord/Jester. Close after is Kima/Allura & Caleb/Jester. She would be surprised if it happened, but wouldn’t object. Marisha asks, as a shipper, what does Dani look for in a quality ship. Dani likes clear feelings with clear reciprocation, canon connections; she doesn’t ship a ton of subtexty stuff.

Laura has been relistening to Vex’s playlists & crying. Both she & Marisha really miss Vex & Keyleth. Liam texted Laura the other day a fanvid of Vex & Vax that made her cry.

Marisha gets emotional seeing fanart of older Keyleth because it means that she’s living on & being happy. Noelle also came up & thanked Marisha for giving Tova a purpose after the latest Honey Heist, and everyone talks about how many hours they’ve spent creating and living in these people.

Marisha can’t listen to Tokyo Sunrise by LP anymore because it instantly makes her cry.

Beau is not a mindflayer. Everyone’s convinced, Marisha.

If Laura had Jester’s paint set, she’d draw home improvements. She’d draw a door for her bathroom into Ronin’s nursery. Marisha would draw more producers--”Not to undermine the ones I have! We’re so overworked!”

Brian looks to Max for the time left, only to have missed Dani literally just giving him the signal.

Brian starts to say he’ll see us next week, but Dani tells him not to confuse us since there’s no TM next week. Brian: “We’ll see you next week this Thursday Critical Role on youtube.com, Logan Paul guest starring, along with Paul Rudd, Rudney Dangerfield...”

Max, as the sound fades: “Okay, please...”

And that’s it for tonight. See you next time, everyone!

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long post for ts

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