#going to go look at more pngs to fall asleep

[deathbypufferfish]

I've been making a digital sticker book in goodnotes to copy and paste from 😋

#puffer talks #ive been starting to digitally journal and bullet journal #i kept stimming while purusing through png blogs i felt nuts #so so fun #i have more of these pages #i just open goodnotes and tumblr in two windows on my ipad and copy and paste #tumblr can suck but being able to copy and paste pngs is DELICIOUS #going to go look at more pngs to fall asleep #digital journal #goodnotes #journal #journaling

[meirimerens]

pls........ can u tell me more about the notkhan in the future. how are they even keeping up with each other. is it a long distance relationship?

hi beastie... ok so while i have a vague timeline-ish for their generally embarrassing relationship i sometimes think that even at that age they're still in some kind of like. embarrassing back and forth for the 5th consecutive year at this point. or maybe like. before khan started having the Itch to travel they had gotten closer -> distant again as he travels -> close again when they get to see each other(?). i don't have a Set timeline for them because. will not lie i think about them way less than i do. well. [desperate look at my wips]

but regardless of having grown distant or not [i also think the whole. arranged marriage might have not been too fun for any of them. and by "them" i include capella. but also i have scene in my mind of notkin standing up during the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part of the ceremony but not to stop the wedding he just needed to tell the newlyweds' parents had they put on their big guy pants this wouldn't have happened so like i'm coping. i'm seeing it i'm coping] i'm thinking now you know how i've written and drawn burakhovsky going_to_each_others_houses.txt .png [realizing now i might not have posted on this blog anything about dankovsky coming back to hang out in burakh's house because the um. but like he has] maintaining the relationship like that. i think they might do that. not in the way/for the reasons burakh and dankovsky do but they do go to each other's place of residence. except it's not two houses they both have Home in the same place, one's just goofin around. khan often comes home with trinkets and books and whatnot for capella [she loves books] so he moight see notkin then... and when he's studying at some universities he makes arrangements for notkin to come visit him (he's in dorms or his own place). shows him around the city. might even introduce him to classmates like this is my friend. notkin :) he looks like he bites it's probably because he does. (does notkin get jealous? maybe. is khan like "you are a steakhead. come give me a hug"? brother you probably know it.)

also i think post-plague ToG is starting to like. get the telegraph put in place. + with the returns of the trains they can actually send letters. so there's that there'd be that.

tldr they go to each other's house (gone shy) (gone having-grown-distant-but-reconnecting-in-times-of-achey-legs-and-arms) (gone khan throws pebbles at notkin's window to try to get him to open so he can come in and they can Talk(tm) and he ends up falling asleep on the couch getting laid upon by Jester) and send each other letters and telegrams. sometimes. until khan stops traveling for a few months. then one day he'll come back home.

#the elusive notkhan lore #happy notkhan mercredi. i guess #ring ring (answers) #anonymous #shockingly longer than i expected for something i had to rake my brain over for a bit but. yeah that makes sense post it

[revenant-dumpster-fire]

hiiii

i came to say that i am utterly obsessed with your icon/pfp

(that is all)

Oooh! Haha, thank you very much!

This PFP was borne out of approximately three days of sleep deprivation, a plan that started with "I'll just draw my easy-to-do Revenant and take a nap when done", ended with "that was approximately nine hours of learning how to render lighting but at least it looks cool", and then me asking a friend "HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S HOLDING SOMETHING WHAT SHOULD HE HOLD???", then learning how to make a nice PNG of corn look like it was rendered in the Windows 95 screensaver maze, and then falling asleep, forgetting I made this, and waking up to it existing anyway.

(Piece in higher resolution and more under the cut)

After regaining consciousness and reevaluating the creation of this piece... I realized the depth of it is hilarious.

It has roots that go as deep as my childhood memories, as modern as my inside jokes amongst my online friends, as effort-inducing as the fact that it is clearly a cartoon whose colors are rendered beyond excess, as personal as references to my deep-seated aesthetics and career, as traumatizing as my efforts to regain autonomy after an era of my life where I lost all of it, and as vapid as fever dreams of 3AM cartoons that rotted my braincells growing up...

And yet, to anyone else, it's just "dang what a weird shitpost ahaha".

There's something beautiful about that fact to me. Or maybe I'm being dramatic.

BUT YES!!! Thank you! I really appreciate it, especially since I didn't expect anyone to notice at all!

I probably ought to post the art I've been sitting on for so long, huh?

#q&a #q&a art #apex legends #revenant #my art #my artwork

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

AirLock Anon

WOOO HYRBID TAKEOVER AU [+Recovery when The two clan tribes unite ig

ACTOR X SCORPION 

CRED FOR REF https://writeawaythepain.tumblr.com/post/683463138036809728/killer-looks

The Human Director explained your role to you again. “So I’m the scary hyrbid killer. And Actor, the HUMAN is the hero?” You chittered your tail lowered near the floor. “Its what the people want. Many clans are terrified of you.” You groaned and walked into the changing room finding the desert theme villain outfit. 

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/80/f6/8b/80f68be1d4b49de614e78de948f8cb49.png

You grinned seeing hardly any change from your regular attire. You slipped in and flipped the hood over your face and walked to the makeup station. “Hello!” You smiled sweetly to the ladies as they cooed over your ‘Perfect Tan’ and ‘Beautiful facial structure.’ 

You just laughed nervously and sat down as they got ready. Actor walked in with a proud face, you just glared as he laughed. The ladies stepped back hardly doing much. You looked in the mirror and gently touched the scar that nicked on your chin to your cheekbone. “It looks so- real.” You shuttered almost feeling the wound’s bruises. 

“Yeah it’s MakeUp.” Actor laughed as you chittered and grabbed his face. “I can make you a real matching one.” You hummed as he melted into your grip and almost leaned into your tail that was raised next to his face.

“Oh that’s hot.” He grinned as you laughed. “Alright lover boy.” “I am a man!” He huffed as you tapped his face with your stinger. “Mhm. And I’m a wolf.” You lead him out and got on scene. 

Of course He had the lead role as protagonist, and you where the Antagonist. You zoned out not paying attention to his lines until you stepped on stage. 

“I won’t let you murder another in cold blood!” “But. . Haha, Cold Blood is all I know?” You flung out your tail before hearing a loud “CUT!” 

“That was perfect! The rage, the suspense!” The director smiled as you put your tail down. “So why’d you stop?” You leaned back on the nearest wall. “Well. Didn’t want you to sting-“ “he’d like it.” You grumbled as he just laughed and you got up and flicked his forehead. “If this is over.” You motioned to the whole scene. “I’m gonna go home. And I’m taking this.” You grabbed Actor and walked out.

“What’s up with you?” He mused, “if I was ANYONE else you would be dead.” You laughed as he walked with you to his van. “That’s the appeal.” He sat you down on his chair and helped you take off the latex scar and clean up the makeup. 

“I feel like your teasing me, Pumpkin.” You grinned as he paused. “No no no no, who said you could say that. Nope nope nope.” He walked off mid bruise. “Aww poor thing can’t handle a pet name?” You finished wiping off the bruises. You stood over him still in your costume. 

He just grinned and wrapped his arms around your neck and you grabbed his face and hips/lower back. “Reminds me of your first scorpion dance.” You hummed and slowly side stepping and spinning him. 

“Minus the thousands of eyes on me.” He laughed. “There where like 10 people. So at most 50 or 60 eyes on you.” You mumbled and leaned your head on his.

“I enjoy quiet time like this.” You chittered as you slowly lead him to the bed and purposefully leaned over pulling him into a snuggle. “Your really warm.” You purred as he leaned more into you. “Thank you.” He hummed. “Anything for you my diamond, my beautiful desert flower.” You smiled and hugged him closer. If he got any closer you two would be the same person. 

You felt his breath slow and his eyes already closed. You took off the cape and placed it around him and fell asleep long with it getting the comforter as well.

“My Desert Flower.” You hummed falling asleep with him.

DESERT FLOWER AAAAAWWWW

#clanask #airlock anon #hybrid au

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 11

post directory

obsetress: i'm about to fully fall asleep but i have been thinking about exes au danvi and like the isabel of it all and dani dating a single mom and how just like

obsetress: vi is so protective of isabel and as much as she loves dani like

obsetress: she took SO LONG before introducing her and then like

obsetress: when they broke up dani left and dani wasnt in isabels life anymore and dani was so good for isabel and viola just feels so fuckin shitty and blames herself and

obsetress: but i'm also thinkin bout soft fluffy stuff too like how much dani loves isabel and how much vi loves watching isabel w dani and

em: hey hannah what the fuck

obsetress: isabel has a nightmare one night and goes to her mom's room and dani's there too and she just curls up between them

em: do you think when they finally reconnected dani was like hey um. does isabel remember me. would it be weird if

obsetress: FUCK

obsetress: this absolutely happens

em: viola is VERY apprehensive at first

obsetress: god yeah esp after getting so hurt by it but

obsetress: viola sure cannot say no to dani!

em: i love some dani with kids tho

em: maybe too soft but do u think for at least a couple years dani would like. send isabel a bday card

em: like dead air otherwise

em: hmm idk i am chewing that one over more

obsetress: god it's hard i think dani wants to but she doesn't

obsetress: i could see dani writing them and holding onto them

em: oh that’s even worse

obsetress: even tho she really doesnt think she'll ever talk to vi again

em: what a soft and depressing thought. thank u. i resent u.

obsetress: yeah it hurts!

obsetress: but then she does! and she gives them all to isabel when she's older maybe

em: hold on i’m gonna bawl

em: sometimes my parents will be like um. do u remember this person and i’m like uh i don’t remember people i worked w two years ago let alone

em: but i think isabel does

em: i will be thinking about this all afternoon bestie have a wonderful slumber

[em note: em yells in hannahs DMs while she's asleep dot png]

em: no um. mate im still furious about the isabel of it all wtf

em: thinking about um. like ok i dont wanna use isabel as a prop but this is certainly one of those times where

em: violas been hurt before and viola's hurt other people before because she's deeply troubled and i feel like that would be one of the first times she sorta. sure she licks her wounds and feels miserable for herself but its also like uh

em: really sobering to realise This Hurts Isabel Too

em: because yknow violas very gatekeep gaslight girlboss i think shes got a strong enough sense of self that nothing really shakes that. maybe even to a deluded degree. i dont think she goes to therapy because shes like wow im fucked up i gotta get help, she's more like

em: shes really driven by her love for isabel!! gestures WILDLY

em: realised this is an au where parents get therapy and dont pass their traumas onto their kids and i want OFF this WILD RIDE im so tired of discovering things about myself through the realm of fiction

obsetress: yeah same i kept thinking about it too alfkadlsfkjdasf

obsetress: i want to reply to every single line of the isabel thing but i'm not gonna do that so let me just say: YEAH

obsetress: like isabel is her cornerstone full stop everything comes down to isabel

em: dani's probably so nervous reconnecting w isabel again. absolutely spinning her lil wheels

em: they set up a lil date and time and dani's doing her gay nervous babble abt if isabel even remembers her or god forbid resents her n jamies like...

em: im pursing my lips as i draw a line on the whiteboard between jamie's whole childhood and isabels and shaking my head Goddamn It

em: jamie lets dani babble it out n pauses and reflects on what she's saying n then jamie's like. the fact ur nervous means u care. n kids are v good at picking up when ppl care. you'll be alright.

obsetress: god yeah this bit i can just. hear it

obsetress: it's so visceral

---

em: viola

obsetress: god my favorite taurus hedonist

[em note: hannah yells in em's DMs while em is asleep dot png]

obsetress: god fuck what was i thinking about isabel this morning like

obsetress: that's what i get for daydreamin between snoozes and not writing it down alas

obsetress: but just like how excited isabel is to see dani again when she does and also like, isabel and rebecca

obsetress: then i started thinking about

obsetress: rebecca and vi getting married and vi's always like i'm not gonna get married again it's bullshit and rebecca's like it's not for me but then they just

obsetress: like they live together and they share everything and rebecca looks out for isabel just as much and they get to a point and it's like

obsetress: oh. oh

obsetress: like they're both like it's the logical thing to do. it's logical and it's safe and we should have this extra layer of protection but also it's like

obsetress: they find themselves more and more excited a lil you know? and just thinking about how isabel's there and how excited isabel is and

obsetress: but god yeah what i was thinking about this morning like. one day vi has to tell isabel dani's not gonna be coming around anymore and like

obsetress: isabel doesn't really understand and she's so sad and then vi feels even shittier

obsetress: and she's like "we'll be okay. it's you and me, remember? moving mountains"

obsetress: "you me us, right?"

obsetress: the first time rebecca meets her she brings her a book as a gift and is like "this was one of my favorites" and

obsetress: OH I REMEMBERED

obsetress: so like when dani sees isabel again finally (and yknow as nervous as dani was vi was even more on edge because it's so inconsistent and is she gonna understand yknow? and the two of them just spiral––which is also another thing about the two of them in a relationship! i think they push each other down spirals)

obsetress: jamie's there too and dani's like "this is... this is, uh, jamie" and it's like you said jamie isabel parallels and so jamie's like a lil tender

obsetress: spoiler: isabel and jamie end up bonding the most

obsetress: jamie's like running around with isabel on her shoulders and then showing her all these plants and taking her to gardens and

obsetress: another tentative jamie vi alliance

em: isabel mikey hangout When

obsetress: isabel mikey hangout!

obsetress: they're hanging with isabel and she and jamie have a very spirited discussion where isabel's like "i wanna be a princess" and dani's like "why not a knight?" and jamie's like "why not opt out of the feudalistic hierarchy entirely and ditch the kingdom for the high seas?" and convinces isabel to go full pirate

obsetress: and then isabel kinda passes out with her head in jamie's lap and jamie's just kinda idly playing with her hair (vi is already like "am i... attracted to jamie in this moment?")

obsetress: and jamie's like "y'know, i should bring mikey round next time isabel's here" and viola's like "......who?" and jamie's like "my little brother? mikey?" and viola's like "right.... right"

obsetress: cut to later, when dani and jamie have retired to vi and becca's guest room: "since when does jamie have a little brother?" "she always has, babe"

em: kinda obsessed w like. violas love for isabel means her wires get crossed when the surly gardener is Good With Kids

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: mikey and isabel immediately hit it off i think

obsetress: a bit of an odd couple because i think isabel is definitely, like, her mother's daughter and mikey is............. mikey

obsetress: but i think they meet in the middle and help each other grow and play pirates together

em: viola is like. of course mikey and isabel will get along. isabel is wonderful. but jamie is quietly Sweating about the whole thing

em: so damvibecca are having their afternoon tea and their little cakes and jamie is Quietly sweating and she’s like ‘quiet is good, right? like they’re not tryna k-‘ and then there’s the sound of two 8 year olds (idk how old they are tbh) YELLING as they chase each other down the hall w wrapping paper tubes

obsetress: nervous babbling dani x quietly sweating jamie, an otp

em: isabel has gotten into the make up n given them both black eyes n scars and moustaches n everyone’s like oh no how’s viola gonna feel about this but viola is DELIGHTED

obsetress: dani's like "chill you all she's gonna––" and then viola is getting up and asking them to do her face too

em: made a parrot outta a sock and newspaper

obsetress: viola playing pirates w isabel and mikey

em: kids w their endless creativity n absolute disregard for personal property is truly a thing of dreams

obsetress: mikey gives her a paper tube and she disarms isabel, takes hers, and offers it very seriously to jamie

em: cuteeee

obsetress: rebecca's giving dani a look and dani is completely unfazed and reaching for another tea cake

em: absolutely unflappable dani clayton

em: dani and rebecca sharing a Look like hey have you ever seen her this gleeful

obsetress: there is something very tasty about jamie taylor having a direct hand in making viola so gleeful

em: takes a village!

obsetress: when viola's two big loves are sitting five feet away from them both

em: everyone changes everyone for the better

em: fucken soft ass chat over here

obsetress: everyone changes everyone for the better

obsetress: soft as hell

em: thesis statement everyone likes each other so much (jamie pretends she doesn’t)

obsetress: (jamie pretends she doesn't) (jamie might like everyone the most)

obsetress: viola registers mikey for isabel's school n pays full tuition

em: oh my god

obsetress: jamie is horrified and refuses to accept it and viola waves a hand and is like "too late, deposit's non-refundable"

em: (they carpool)

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: oh god and like

obsetress: flora and miles go there too

obsetress: full circle complete

em: broke: highschool au woke: guardians of primary schoolers au

obsetress: dani jamie in bed jamie's like "you don't...... think it's weird?" "hmm?" "mikey going to.... school with our boss' kids?" "why would that be weird" "i dunno" "he also goes to school with my ex's kid" "he's best friends with your ex's kid" "and that's not weird, is it?" (grumbles) "not anymore" "so why would this be?"

em: jamie’s ribbing mikey for his silly tie and straw hat but she teaches him how to tie a tie and also she keeps crying for some reason???

obsetress: oh fuck

em: mikey: can’t i just get a fake tie >:/

jamie: no because when u have a real tie you can leave it untied a little as an act of rebellion

obsetress: god it's jamie crying for me

em: i love that big baby

obsetress: so much!

em: jamies like idk what’s gotten into me i never cry n danis like. raises one eye brow and mentally checks off all the times jamie has absolutely bawled watching a movie

em: not even a sad movie

em: dani plays along

em: maybe ur getting soft in ur old age jamie

obsetress: jamie i cry three four times a day five if i'm being honest taylor

em: thinking about their weekly weekend lunch w damvibecca and hannah and owen and miles and flora and

obsetress: dfjsldkfjslfslfj

obsetress: god big found family

obsetress: you know viola doesn't like

obsetress: dani and jamie respectfully toe around whatever the fuck owen and hannah have going on but viola just does not suffer it. she's so blunt to them

em: big viola grin and all ‘owen, hannah, i assume you will be each other’s dates?’ (owen chokes on his tiny egg sandwich)

em: hannah grose is serene and unreadable as she dabs a bit off yolk off owens moustache

em: maybe even a bit pleased

obsetress: everyone is always so tense when viola and hannah get together because neither of them take shit yknow

obsetress: and everyone's like "which way is this gonna go"

em: god. peak snarky broads

obsetress: but usually they end up good. two apex predators where one is a lil vicious but the other is so confident in its status that it just chills

em: they have the Best gossip

obsetress: would love to sit in and listen as they drink tea and gossip tbh

em: viola presses owen on hannah and he goes red and viola presses hannah on owen and she does a little wouldnt-you-like-to-know into her tea

em: viola nee willoughby and hannah grose friendship is. truly something i never knew i needed until now

em: they’re both just that lil bit older than the rest of the gang too

obsetress: an important coalition

obsetress: hannah grose! hannah looking out for rebecca and that's the couple times she gets a lil testy w vi

obsetress: mikey and isabel besties but flora and mikey get along really well and isabel and miles do too i think

em: the sheer chaos of a taylor-lloyd-windgrave story time

obsetress: LDKFjKLSDJF HELP

obsetress: taylor lloyd wingrave story time

obsetress: jamie suddenly very invested in story time

obsetress: dani's like "i know this is the first time you've actually cared about story time, babe, so let me give you some pointers"

em: i was just in my head thinking fondly about like. jamie is a drop out and plays a lil dumb sometimes for fun but also prolly reads a lot especially to mikey and now i’m like. wait i’m talking to Ms Floras Two Moms herself

em: idk if i had that headcanon before i read she taught me a lesson alright but yknow what! doesn’t matter it’s a beautiful one

obsetress: thank youuuu i love it a lot

obsetress: jamie big reader is generally one of my fave headcanons tbh i'm glad it seems to be widely accepted. can't even explain why it's just nice

em: sometimes i will talk 2 ppl about my passionate drop out jamie taylor belief n then they’re like but she’s smart (it’s only happened a couple times hahsj) and i’m like these aren’t mutually exclusive!! this is my very biased experience but my friends who do manual labor for a living seem to read so much more than my friends who don’t

em: your brain wants to chew over things while the hands are workin i reckon

obsetress: yes yes yes yes yes

obsetress: i think that's also like (sighs heavily)

obsetress: symptomatic of hegemonic perceptions of the working class

em: i love when u sigh heavily it’s always a fun take

obsetress: i think jamie is v clever and reflective and like if there's one thing i've learned getting older it's

obsetress: smart doesn't matter i think the most insightful most thoughtful people are the most reflective ones

obsetress: like none of it fuckin matters just be a nice person

#in which hannah says hegemonic perceptions of the working class and i pretend its foreshadowing vampire au #the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au #LONG one its like #2500 words which is #yknow! some pages #idk what counts as long all writing is witchcraft to meajhfjbnk #ik i should be pacing these a lil better but #i just wanna get up to vibeccas wedding im IMPATIENT

[shadow--writer]

When You're all Alone I will Reach for you, When You're Feeling low I will be There too

title

Maeve x Lucas. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. 4.6k

TW: heat exhaustion, passing out, a bit of blood, a lecture.

@dela-png

Lucas was stumbling a lot. Dizzy in a way. He had to keep pausing what he was doing to hold his head and lean against something. 

Checking in on him had become a habit, one he kept waving off. With a smile, a shrug, and then him getting back to work. His brows furrowing a little as he focused on something. 

She was starting to worry about him. He looked a bit more...gaunt. Okay, sure, gaunt Lucas still looked healthier than gaunt Maeve, but he looked so...pale. 

And that was odd. 

She tore her gaze away from Lucas for the fourth time in ten minutes. She wanted to ask him what was wrong, but they were both working in some way. The others he was working with didn’t seem to notice so maybe he was fine. Maybe the sun was just washing him out. 

But now even Will looked worried. 

She was currently trying to work on a new spell, taking a break from the clinic. It was so fucking hot outside and inside it was miserable. She wished it would rain already or at least be cooler out. 

Now she wasn’t as focused on her spellwork, and more focused on Lucas. His brows were deeply creased as he focused on walking right. 

Something was wrong, but she didn’t know what. 

She sighed, looking back at her notes and the old book she found in a back alley bookstore. The spell work was fascinating, but she just couldn’t...bring herself to keep reading. 

Lucas caught her eye again, her eyes softened with a question and he only smiled in return. 

A weak smile. 

His cheeks were redder now. She pushed herself to her feet. The fact she could see how bright his face was from here was concerning. 

Not a cloud in the sky. 

He turned away from her as she closed her book. 

Then slowly, he began to fall. 

It all felt...so dreamlike. So unreal. 

Her chair fell as she ran to him, the things he was holding spilling out on the dock as his fever got the better of him. 

It was like her world was falling down around her as her blood ran hot through her veins, the snap of him passing out enough to make her eyes and body glow like she was on fire.

The chatter of the other workers went dead silent as she skidded to a stop. 

She knelt down, pushing his hair back from his face. His skin was hot under her hands. Goosebumps erupted along her arms as the panic started to set in. 

“Lucas please,” she whispered, pushing his shoulders back so he’d be laying on his back. His face was red and he was burning up. 

She guessed heat exhaustion. 

But something else. 

She didn’t have time to figure it out, she needed to get him inside and out of the sun. 

Her eyes watered. “Please help me,” she whispered, to anyone who was listening. To no one listening. A few tears slipped down her cheeks. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He just…he just…” 

She clenched her jaw. “I’m a doctor for goddess sake! Why can’t I help him? I can’t…I can’t get him home.”

She needed to get him out of the sun, but with him on his back she couldn’t very well carry him. She was strong for someone her size, yes, but she wasn’t that strong. 

But she had to try.

Trying to keep her breathing calm, she pushed him to sit upright, and she swung him over her shoulders. 

She breathed in, holding her breath as she slowly stood up. Gods, stars and spirits he was heavy. And warm. He was almost too warm. 

Huffing, she stumbled forward. She isn’t going to make it back. She knew she wouldn’t make it. 

But she had to try. 

“I…hate you,” she wheezed, new tears falling down her face. “I can’t get you home.” She let out a tiny sob, stumbling again.

“I just want you to let me help you,” she snapped, it was useless she was talking to nothing.

Then suddenly he wasn’t as heavy anymore. 

And then he wasn’t on her shoulders. 

Her hands grew hot as she whirled around, but the person standing next to her only adjusted Lucas on their back. 

“You’ll pass out too at this rate,” they said, voice gruff. “You won’t be any help if you are.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, wiping her eyes. “I wouldn’t have made it home.”

They smiled at her, it was a nervous fluttery smile, as they shifted Lucas again. “It’s no trouble. I’m surprised you managed to make it to the end of the dock with him on your shoulders.”

“I left my book and notes.”

“I can bring those by later, if you’d like.”

“Thank you.”

“If it gets me out of work for a little while,” they joked weakly. 

She only grimaced back, the air crackling with an almost palpable nervousness. They were only helping in a distant way. Not because they really cared about him. She appreciated the help, but they were so skittish.

“Can I ask why you chose to help?” she whispered. Their head snapped up as she met their eyes. “You just...look like you want to be anywhere but here.”

“He’s a hard worker.” It sounded like they believed it, it was true. But they wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Shy as the devil, but a hard worker. And if someone passes out and you watch this tiny lady try and carry them off, no offense, wouldn’t anyone help?”

“Only you did,” she said softly. 

They sighed. Everyone who worked at the dock was so...tall. None as tall as Lucas as far as she could tell. 

But she was just...almost like nothing. 

She really was more of a burden than a help. She wondered why Lucas liked her so much. She was useless. 

She blinked back tears.

“Its rumours is all. He’s nice but people are scared of guys who have the resting face of a guy who wants to kill ya.”

“He does?”

They looked at her funny. “Well, have you seen him?”

She wilted. “He’s just...a sweetheart though.”

“I’m sure he is but that face is something most people don’t get past. Paired with the rumours it’s no wonder people are skittish of him.”

Rumours?

She stared at Lucas, he had a sunburn on the back of his neck and his breathing was a bit huffy. She needed to make something for him to eat and get him water. 

But there was so much he wasn’t telling her. She knew that.

She knew it from the day he paled at her mentioning the blue paint. 

Her eyes narrowed and she walked ahead. It didn’t take long for them to get Lucas home and inside. The person helping her from the dock only nodded and left. 

Leaving her alone. 

In the stifling silence of his home, with the curtains drawn shut to cool the house down as much as she could. 

Working quickly she filled a basin with water and tucked it under the bed where he was asleep. Wringing out a cloth over the basin, she pressed the back of her hand to his forehead. Fever. She was right about the heat exhaustion.

The way he was shaking...something else was happening as well. 

Judging by the lack of...activity in the kitchen, he wasn’t eating right as well. 

Blinking back more tears, she stared into the empty kitchen. She hated this. She hated it so much. He left her no choice but to try and cook for him. He needed to eat something, even if it was her shitty cooking. 

Letting out a deep inhale, she got to work.

~~

“Fuck!” she screamed, hurling the spoon she held at the wall. Her latest attempt at making something edible fell through. Latest attempt out of what? Five? Six?

“Fuck,” she whispered, pressing her palm to her eye. She felt her nose burn as she teared up. She hated this. She hated not being able to help him. She was useless. 

She sunk to the floor, crying softly as she watched the spoon slide off the wall and leave behind a smear of failed soup.

“I can’t do anything right,” she sobbed to herself. His home was eerily quiet with him asleep. It felt eerily quiet with her there alone.

Eerily quiet with no talk to fill the space.

She scrubbed at her eyes, drawing her knees up to her chin to make herself smaller. What was she going to do? It was too late now to go to the market to get something, and she didn’t want to leave him. She didn’t want him to wake up alone in the dead silent house while she just...failed to be of any use. 

She couldn’t even make soup right. 

She slowly got to her feet, sniffling and rubbing her tears away. She could do this. She had to try. 

She just couldn't do anything fancy. She couldn’t do anything he might do. She could...make one thing. Terribly, but she could try. 

He was going to get the talking to of the century when he woke up.

She looked around in his ice box, thankfully she hadn’t tried to use any of the meat yet. Her vision was blurred with a never ending stream of tears. 

She was just so...angry. Angry and upset and...scared. She could feel the deep fear curdling in her gut as she seasoned and prepared the meat, cutting it up slowly. 

She sliced her finger again, spewing curses through sobs. “Fucking idiot,” she yelled, kicking the cabinet with her bare foot. The sound echoed through the silent house as her toes throbbed from the pain. 

Blood slid down her finger as she popped it into her mouth, looking for something to bandage it.

She dug through her bag by the door, sticking an adhesive bandage on the cut.

Dejectedly, she made her way back into the kitchen.

She took her anger out on vegetables. Also taking out her fingers as she cut, but she wasn’t paying attention, trying to quiet her sobs. 

After many. Many. Many, tries of cutting vegetables up and then bandaging most of her fingers, the stew was simmering.

Finally something that she’s made hasn't failed. 

She shuffled over to the couch. There were so many things cluttered on it. Books, papers and other trinkets. They looked like they were moved recently, but the build up of dust on the couch was...not a good sign. 

Her body trembled as she just grew colder and colder. Why did he have to be such an idiot? 

And why did she have to be so in love with him?

She bit her lip so hard it started to bleed as she carefully moved the books and papers off the couch and onto the floor. She coughed as she kicked up dust, swiping angrily at her tears. Fuck him. Fuck this all. She hated it so much. She hated how depressed his house felt. She hated how terrible he was to himself. 

She hated how much she cared. 

Why did she have to care about it so much? Why did he just have to be...such an idiot. An idiot who was self sacrificial and stupid. 

And she had to go out and fall in love with him. 

She flopped onto the couch, sneezing so hard her body shook as she curled up. She needed to wait for the stew to simmer for a bit.

And she was just…tired. 

Breathing softly, she fell asleep.

~~

It was the smell that first dragged her from her bleariness. 

Dadí must be cooking then. But it was their beef carrot potato stew. Only made for a special occasion. What...was he making it for…?

She opened her eyes and the events of the last day hit her at full force.

Lucas. Exhaustion. Overworking. He passed out. She cooked. 

She was alone.

She looked down at her hands. They hurt. They hurt a lot. Blood beaded up as she curled her hands into fists.

Pushing herself off the couch, she rubbed her arms. The house was cold. It was cold without him laughing. It was cold without his voice.

It was cold without him.

She walked into the kitchen, checking on the stew. It should be ready. She peaked out the window by the countertop, the world bathed in starlight and old street lamps. The daylight world was asleep now. 

She scooped a little of her misshapen creation into a bowl, digging around his kitchen for another one and some spoons. She didn’t have the stuff needed for the broth, so she had to improvise. 

Finding two spoons from two different silverware sets and an old clay bowl, she dropped them on the counter by the stove. She grabbed a spoon for herself, and tried some of her stew, wallowing in self pity.

It...wasn’t the most terrible thing she had ever made. It was a far cry from what Lucas or hell, even what Aislin could make, but it would do. 

It didn’t inspire the joy it did when her dad made it, but the familiar taste brought a little comfort to her as she felt her stomach warm. 

She scooped more into a bowl, her footsteps soft against the worn wood flooring as she made her way to Lucas’ room. He was still asleep, but she didn’t care. He had to eat something. Along the way she swiped his canteen, feeling the water inside swish with her movements.

Her anger made her hands shake. 

She set the bowl on his bedside table, grabbing a chair from the kitchen and bringing that in as well.

She tapped his cheek once, and he let out a low whine. 

“Wake up,” she said. Her tone was flat and empty. Just like the house. 

She poked his cheek again and he cracked one eye open. He looked around blearily as she grabbed the bowl of stew. 

“You’re an idiot, you know,” she said, the anger barely being contained in her tone. She scooped some beef and a carrot onto the spoon, blowing on it softly. “And you scared me.”

She held the spoon to his face, helping him eat it. She wiped the excess broth from his chin with the corner of her dress, repeating the motion.

He only watched her, silently eating what she fed him. The way his face twisted let her know how bad it tasted. Sure it was fine to her.

But he had a…refined sense of taste. 

But he didn’t say anything, probably to spare her feelings. She didn’t want her feelings spared, and the sparks at her fingertips made her flinch.

She gripped the spoon tightly, trying to calm her erratic breathing. She would not hurt him in an outburst. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she did. 

“You...you have the gall to lecture me on my eating habits and then you turn around and pull- pull this bullshit!”

She was going to cry again. She didn’t want to cry in front of him but she didn’t know if it could be avoided. 

“You’ll work yourself to death at this rate,” she whispered softly, brushing his lower lip with her thumb. “You need to eat. And you need to take care of yourself.”

“I do eat.” His voice was rough and hoarse, breathing softly. His cheeks were still red but his fever had gone down a little. “Too much.”

“And then not at all.” He refused the spoon. She pressed it against his mouth. “You are going to finish this whole bowl,” she ordered. “You are going to finish this whole bowl and then you and I will map out an eating plan.”

He opened his mouth to protest, she shoved the spoon inside, her expression making it clear she was not in the mood for arguing. 

“We’ll make an eating plan,” she continued, scraping the bottom of the bowl. “And I’ll leave little reminders for you. If you want I can help you make meals to keep in your ice box so you have those ready if you don’t want to cook.”

She held the spoon to him again. “Why are you doing this?” he asked, taking the bite. “It’s not like I’ve done much for you.”

She chased the last bit of beef with the spoon, blinking away tears. “Yes, you have,” she said softly. 

“Yeah, sure.”

She held the spoon up to him. “Last bite.”

“What have I done to help you anyways? Feels like you’ve been-”

“Last bite,” she said firmly, cleaning the broth off his chin again. He took the bite and she set the bowl down, grabbing the canteen. She held it up to him and watched him drink for a moment.

“You’ve done plenty,” she started, brushing his hair out of his face. “You’ve brought me flowers. Made me lunch.”

“Well I make lunch for everyone.”

“And the flowers?”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Just...for you.”

She let out a harsh breath. “You helped the kids make my new handkerchief. You helped me when my…my clinic was robbed. Lucas, you don’t have to do much for me at all.”

“Yes I do.”

“No, you don’t. I like spending time with you because I like you, isn’t that enough?” Her eyes snapped up to meet his.

“But you...you’re always helping me. Taking care of me like you are now.”

She curled his hair around one of her fingers. “Well I’m a doctor, that’s my job.”

He wouldn’t meet her eye. “Maeve why can’t I...why can’t I do the same for you?”

“Currently because you overworked yourself on no food, with heat exhaustion, collapsed, forcing me to face my mortal enemy in the kitchen and destroy my hands,” she said, letting go of his hair. 

He looked at her bloodied bandaged fingers, eyes widening. “Oh Maeve I am-”

“Don’t you apologize,” she hissed, her eyes flashing. Her anger coiled in her gut and then she exploded. “Don’t you dare fucking apologize to me. I want to see you do better. I want to see you take care of yourself like an actual fucking human! Not like you’re...you’re...a working machine!”

She was crying now. Tears slid down her cheeks as she pressed her fists into the sheets beside him. “I want you to do better because I care about you. Isn’t that enough?”

“Maeve don’t cry…” she swatted his hand away. He let it drop. 

She was seething. “You listen here to me, Batsaikhan Karimov,” she hissed, jutting a finger at his nose. He flinched at the use of his name. “I will cry if I goddamn want to! I will cry all the fucking time if I so see it fit! You have no right to tell me not to cry after the BULLSHIT you just put me through with your shitty fucking work and eating habits!”

He was shocked into silence. She was going on a tirade but she didn’t care.

“You’re going to listen to me, and listen to me good,” she growled. “We are going to figure something out for you. And if it means putting me on an eating plan as well because goddess knows I fucking need it so be it.” She was yelling. She probably sounded hysterical. “And for the love of all the stars and spirits you need to clean up your house. Sentimental value does not mean catching some sort of sinus infection!”

His eyes widened again, and he looked ashamed. “But-”

“No,” she snarled. “No buts. I will help you clean. We will find a place for everything in this house, we will dust this house. We will clean, sweep and mop. You sir, are now stuck with me. And guess what? It means I’m not going to coddle you at every turn and I'm gonna help you get your shit together. You hear that? No more fucking moping!”

He blinked rapidly, her chest heaved. 

“You...done?”

“Yes thank you.”

“Maeve I haven’t cleaned since the last of my family died. I don’t want to.” His eyes were hard as he looked at her. “It’s what I have left of my family.”

“Too fucking bad.” He flinched at the venom and weight of her tone. She ran her hands through her hair, shaking as she grew colder. “We…we aren’t going to throw anything out, but we are going to make this place livable again so I don’t break my fucking arm every time I decide to visit!” 

“What...what do you mean by that?”

“Guess what, shitface! You’re now stuck with me! Like it or not I’m going to be stuck to you like a leech.” She scrubbed at her eyes, she just needed to stop crying.

“But what if you leave?! Where does that leave me then?” he snapped.

“Well if you ever decide to kick me to the fucking curb you’ll bounce back. I will make sure of it.”

“Kick you to the curb?”

“Yeah, like every other fucking person I know,” she groused. “Even if I do go, you’ll wallow for a bit but your house will be clean, there won’t be dust, and you’ll have hopefully started healthier eating habits.”

“What if I don’t want you to go?” he asked softly.

“I’d say ‘good’ because I’m not planning on leaving anytime soon. I’m not here to fix you but the way you’re living now terrifies me. It scares me because I see myself in it. I see how I acted in you and I don’t want you to go down the same path,” she sniffed, balling the sheets up in her hands as she trembled.

“Same path?”

“I almost fucking killed myself in the plague due to not eating right. My house was a mess and I was depressed. I am not going to watch you spiral the same way.”

“What if I have?”

“Then I’ll drag your ass back kicking and screaming if I have to. I’m not going to fix you. I can’t do that, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to date you only to become your nanny. But I’ll be here to at least help you and be someone you can depend on.”

“Maeve-”

“Don't ‘Maeve’ me, asshole.” She glared at him, his eyes were open in shock. She let out a frustrated scream before smashing her lips against his. He made a startled noise at the kiss, hand coming up to tuck against the back of her head as he kissed her back with the same passion.

She pulled away after a moment, the angry press of lips making hers tingle. She rubbed her lips with the back of her head, looking away from him. “Don’t get a big head about it,” she sniffed, brushing his hair back and checking his temperature again. “I’ll go...clean up the mess I made.”

She turned away, trying to calm her erratic heart. Her skin was warm still, she fought to cool off and fight her magic off. Evil. It was all evil. 

His hand wrapped around her wrist. “Stay,” he whispered. 

She stopped. That one word sent her spiraling again. The one word made her love for him come bubbling to the surface. It was too much. 

She looked at her feet, turning around to look at him. His hand trailed down her arm and he gently intertwined their fingers. 

“But you need to cool down,” she murmured, moving closer to brush his hair back. The cloth on his forehead was still cool. 

“I don’t care.” The look in his eye was stubborn as he tugged on her hand. The force had her leaning into the touch. “Stay. Please.”

She was still mad at him. Furious.

She brushed his hair back, kissing his forehead. He was cooler under her touch now. “Okay.”

His arm immediately wrapped around her as she climbed over him and tucked herself into his side. 

She buried her face in his side. “I’m still mad at you though,” she muttered. All this time she thought she was the self sacrificing idiot. But nooo she just had to fall in love with one who was almost worse. “But I don’t want to leave the dumbass who passed out while working. Big idiot is my big idiot and he worries me.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“You better be.”

He chuckled softly, shifting over so she was buried in his chest. He was comforting, strong, and warm. She felt new hot tears fall down her face as she shivered. A fresh wave of cold washed over her body, eating her from the inside out. He was warm and he was okay. He was okay now. He was safe now. She helped him. She was still here. He was still here. 

She sneezed into the silence. 

He broke it, inhaling softly. “Did...you mean what you said?”

“About what?” she sniffed, rubbing at her eyes. She was starting to feel the effects of inhaling too much dust. “I said a lot of things.”

“About not leaving.”

“You’d have to drag me away.”

His hands tightened around her as she moved to take her socks off, throwing them to some corner of the room. She lifted the covers up and snuggled under them, her hair fanning out on the pillow behind her. She was starting to shiver violently. 

He brushed her cheek with his thumb. “Your freckles dimmed.”

“They do that when I’m upset.”

He kissed both of her cheeks gently, his breath warm against her skin. “I think they’re beautiful.”

She moved away from him. She didn’t want him to get any sicker. Lucas, she loved him, but he had other ideas, wrapping her up and keeping her close. She couldn’t fight it, he’d sulk. She knew it. So she gripped the fabric of his shirt like if she let go he’d fade away. “Don’t say sappy things. I’m still mad.”

His arms relaxed around her when he realized she wasn’t going to fight to leave. He played with her hair. “Mad mad?”

“Extremely mad mad. We start cleaning tomorrow. In the kitchen. I kind of made a mess.”

He laughed, it made his chest vibrate. His heart was a steady thump under her ear. “Of course you did.”

“You left me no other choice, dipshit,” she muttered to his chest.

“You’re very creative with those insults.”

“Yeah yeah whatever you say, mo grá.”

“And what does that mean?”

She would never tell him. No. She couldn’t tell him. Not with the idea of him leaving hanging over her. She needed to give it time. 

So she lied.

“Moronic idiot.”

He chuckled again, kissing the top of her head. “Whatever you say, Thumbelina. Get some sleep now, you look like you could sleep through a hurricane.”

“Oh wow that was very nice of you.”

“You just spent the last ten minutes insulting me.”

“Well you deserved it. Scared the shit outta me.”

He rubbed her back gently as she settled into his hold. He was warm. It was one of the only things she could focus on with how cold she was becoming. He tilted her head up to kiss her softly. When they parted she buried her face in his neck, waiting for his breathing to slow and become rhythmic. 

“Grá geal mo chroí,” she whispered, kissing the crook of his neck. His breathing was so soft, his heart steady. She blinked away more tears. “I love you.”

#the arcana #the arcana game #maeve #lucas #maeve x lucas #maevas #my writing #ah #two idiots in love #and im dying #soft #lmao I don’t like some of this BUT IM POSTING IT ANYWAY BECAUSE [insert profanity that will get me shadow banned from the tags here] THAT #if I didn’t post everything I wasn’t quite happy with #I would be posting NOTHING #anyways here’s some angst

[seb-owns-these-tatas]

Fix (TJ Hammond) (Pt. 1)

Characters: Sub!Bi!TJ Hammond x You

Summary: You've went home and was welcomed by a very high TJ who was clean for a year since you've been together. Your boy even did something wrong, resulting to you in reacting very hostile and leading to a hot night considering that he needed to learn his lessons for disobeying you.

Warning: This part has no smut, so you're good to go. Except there's a hint of a Sub/Dom relationship, and there's drugs involve. Plus, some soft, crying Tj for everyone. Oh, and cusses. :)

Words: 4,000+ It’s quite long. (But I think the smut is longer? Hehehehe)

A/N: This is suitable for everybody. The next part won't be. *wink wonk* I've poured my heart in this! LOL. So, FEEDBACKS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED! THANK YOU MA'AM AND SIR'S! LOL XD Y’all are prolly quaking because of the word SUB! *wink wink nudge nudge* PART 2 IS SMUT, OKAY? LET YOUR HEART BE STILL WITH THE GIFS ALRIGHT? IT AIN’T FROM MOI! Just took them in google! CREDITS TO THE CREATORS!

Disclaimer: GIF'S and PNG'S aren't mine, however the whole one shot and edit are rightfully mine to begin with.

Dedicated: @caps-boo-bear (I couldn’t tag you bud? Maybe your account is prohibited from tagging in posts?) @angel-of-hell-cece1967​

Every step you took was such a pain in the ass. How you sluggishly walk made every person know not to dare bump on you. The boots you've picked for the day had a defectability that gave your feet blisters which resulted as to why you were walking like the heavens were weighing down on you.

You've met Mrs. Bell on the way to your apartment. She was a very nice old lady who have been giving you free viands and pastries whenever there was any extra that could go to waste. Her husband was the only companion she has that lives in their apartment, and their relationship was darn cute. They've been together for 60 years, and you ought to have that kind of relationship. Mrs. Bell kind of reminded you of TJ's nana, Margaret.

Will that be possible to happen with TJ? It was a question that nobody could ever answer except from God. Even though you were there to keep him steady, you knew how rickety he can get sometimes. The thought of him going back to who he was before was making you worry, scared that after a year of being clean..His addiction would suddenly come around.

"TJ's been awfully quiet today," Mrs. Bell spoke, her voice frail and shaky. You met her on your way up, seeing her once the elevator door pulled open. She lost her chance of transport as her grey eyes watched the elevators close just to tell you news about TJ since you've asked her to check how he was from time to time, especially since you've had your girls night out with your friends, making you a little intoxicated as you went home. You were quite tipsy but not tipsy enough to fall on the ground and swim in your own vomit. You drank moderately and responsively tonight.

The lollipop in your mouth was flavorful. Tangerine taste sipping on your taste buds. You've missed the confectionery since years and you decided it was time to finally satisfy your cravings.

You sucked on your lollipop before taking it out of your mouth with a pop, licking your lips and giving Mrs. Bell a nervous smile, "Did he went out or something, Ma'am?" You could sense something was wrong with how she worded everything, yet you wanted to believe he didn't. He wouldn't because he promised.

The sweet old lady took seconds before she gave a shaky nod, "Yes, I think my husband saw him went out for an hour..then came back looking bothered,"

Your heart skipped a beat, anxiousness began surging through every vein in your heart. He wouldn't, right? You gave a weak nod at Mrs. Bell, helping her wait to get a lift and assisting her till she could enter the elevator before dismissing her with a kiss on the cheek.

The walk to your apartment made your nerves go berserk, every step was shaking your hopes, wishing that nothing happened to your Tj. Once the door opened, the lights to the living room was off, you've flicked the switch on and expected him to come out of the shadows and surprise you yet there was still no Thomas.

"Teej?" Your voice echoed through the hallway before your feet brought you to your kitchen. A half emptied bottle of water was on top of the kitchen counter, and you sighed. Relieved that you saw no beers, not even a single trace of alcohol. Well, that's because you took all the alcohol away when TJ decided to get help. You wanted nothing more than TJ to be happy, and for him to be healed..Mentally and emotionally.

You had always been TJ's strong tower, been there for him no matter how fucked up he was. You still accepted his flaws and him, himself. Your baby boy has been your life and breath. You loved him with all your heart, and you won't ever hesitate on taking care of him even when he was broken.

The lights to your room were on. So, you paraded towards yours and TJ's room. Never even knocking because you wanted to surprise him, but turns out it was you who was surprised by your boyfriend.

TJ was sprawled on your bed, his necklace that you've given as a present for his birthday was dangling around his neck. He was in his clothing alright, but without a shirt on. His eyes were closed as an arm was around his eyes, looking deep in thought. You guessed he was sleeping, yet when he heard someone open the door to your room, his head instantly perked up to see who it was.

It took seconds for Tj to realize who it was. That dazed, lightheaded look in his eyes made your nerves go tense. When he was sure it's you, he languidly sat up. Blinking slower than usual as he set his eyes on you, a discomposed smile and his eyes having this glassy twinkle that could make you want to coddle him up all night.

Yet, there was something in those look of his that you couldn't decipher.

"Y/N?"

You sweetly smiled at him, strolling towards your baby boy sitting on your bed, waiting to be cuddled. How could you not snuggle him right now when he looked so soft and vulnerable?

"Hi, Love! You alright?" You sat beside him, immediately wrapping your arms around him and he was quick to take the chance to snuggle you up, his fluffy head now on your chest. Your nails gently scratching his back.

"I'm fine..just fine," He mumbled quietly. His fingers nonchalantly playing with the hem of your shirt. There was something wrong with him, you thought as you felt him hotter beneath your palm, hotter than his usual body heat. However, you tried to shut those thoughts first, just loving the comfort and embrace that you were both in.

"You don't sound fine," Your hands traveled towards his soft, fluffy hair. Giving his scalp soft scratches and Tj couldn't help but moan very audibly. "My baby boy looks so...so...tired," Dazed and lightheaded was what you wanted to say, but you didn't want him to think you were doubting him into getting drugged again. He wouldn't right? Your heart kept on pounding on that thought.

"Mmm," He hummed in agreement, slipping his hand inside your shirt, softly caressing the skin of your soft stomach. You were used to Tj being handsy, he always was with you every minute of the day. Finding assurance that you were there and that you weren't just a part of his imagination. Making sure that you were there and you stayed. "I missed you,"

"Well, I missed you more. Have you been a good boy while I wasn't around?" There was a second of quietness except from the tiny suckling sounds you make from your lollipop. You hoped he would answer back but he didn't. You checked if he fell asleep yet he was wide awake.

His quietness answered the questions floating inside your head. He seemed to be guilty of doing something that wasn't right.

Your guesses were right all along.

"Thomas," You took the lollipop out of your mouth and addressed him seriously, unwrapping your arms and cutting your embrace. Looking up at his diluted cerulean eyes. Why have you just realized that now? He was definitely drugged and high. You took his face in your hands, setting his eyes on you and a pang of disappointment rushed through your veins. The way the pupils of his eyes were more diluted than usual, eyes glassier and high. What did he even take?

You stood up from the bed, disappointment running in your features. Tj was already a year clean, already starting to change his addiction. Yet, with what happened tonight seemed like he chose to go back from where he used to be. His family would definitely be mad at you for not keeping a close eye on him. "I just went out for a while and now you're high?! What were you even thinking?!" You exclaimed rather furiously.

"I wasn't thinking anything," He deadpanned, shrugging his broad shoulders in attempt to shake off the anxiety creeping. "It just kinda happened,"

Once he saw the intense glare that never failed to falter, his emotions shifted in one snap. What was he saying? Did he disappoint you? The person he loved the most and the only person who continued trusting in him?

Tj's intense, still gorgeous as fuck, glassy eyes peered at you, a look that appeared like he was a kicked puppy and you wanted nothing more than not to be mad at him because you knew how hurt he gets when you're angry. He was immediately on his foot, trotting till he towered and stood in front of you. His half naked fit body gloriously giving you a warm welcome and it surely distracted your maddened state.

God, his abs. Your slightly drunken state thought mentally, giving his body a once over before focusing on his gorgeous orbs again. His lower lip seemed to tremble, "I-I just needed a fix!" He reasoned back, biting his lower lip as he fought a frown, but his eyebrows tell otherwise. He knew you were already disappointed in him, and he didn't like the thought of it.

Your sly, sneaky eyes couldn't help but scan the indents of his hipbone and it made you emit a groan because of how you were thinking in between your pants in a very serious moment that should be taken importantly. Your forehead furrowed in return to his reasons, "You what?!"

"I just needed a fix!" He repeated more clearer, eyeing your face with an obvious frown. "Did something happened, Tj?" You asked more calmly now, the anger slowly subsiding as you saw the pained look he was giving you and it hurt your heart.

He was already in too much pain, and you didn't want him to experience and feel more by being mad at him. You just needed to understand him and why he did it.

"S-Sean," Tj croaked a little more quietly, voice breaking and sounding more vulnerable. The anger that once left you suddenly came back in a hot second just because of one mention of that fucker's name. Sean Reeves, an idiotic man who broke your Tj's heart, torn it into pieces and left Tj feeling shit about himself, that he wasn't someone important made him trigger to go suicidal.

"What.about.him," Y/N gritted in between her teeth, jaw clenching from the irritation she felt from hearing his name. God, it was even nauseating to hear. "I've went to The Dome, updated on things then saw him there," You hummed in understanding, nodding at the same time. His gaze kept on shifting from your face then on the ground, trying to find the exact words as he recollected what happened earlier. Tj looked as if his mind was swirling, kept on jumping from one scene to another from the way his brows furrowed.

"Man..Was I stupid to give him my time," He shook his head to himself, a disgruntled chuckle leaving his plump, red lips--Lips that have been red and swollen from biting it too hard. "He tried coming back, kept on saying things that I wanted to hear from him when we were still together. But, he's too late. Sean tried to fix something that was already been fixed," You saw his miserable baby blues intensely staring at you, eyes turning more diluted and glassy. Beneath those were pent up emotions that you've vulnerably seen. Emotions that held sadness, anger, and brokenness.

There was a pause. He was having an internal debate with himself. Debating whether he needed to even tell it to you. After moments of waiting for him to finish as you stood patiently, desperately wanting to hug him when you saw how your Tj's close to crying.

He finally decided and he was sure to tell you the truth because that's one rule you've both agreed to. It's to be honest with each other and never keep secrets. "He even played dirty because he tried kissing me, Y/N--he did. He did kiss me," His voice croaked like it was difficult for him to say.

Thus, his honesty felt like a cold bucket of ice was thrown on top of her head. That asshole kissed him. Y/N couldn't help but roughly draw crescents on her palms, nails digging deep indenting crescent shapes that could explain the betrayal she felt.

But, it wasn't Tj who did the first move. You debated with that tiny voice inside your head. Y/N was having her inner monologue when the drugs in Tj's system was growing more intense as time goes by. He felt the need to touch you, to be close with you and he didn't hesitate to step close. Holding your tightened hands with his, soothingly pressing his hands with yours.

"I didn't kiss him back if that will make you feel better," He coyly said, looking deep within your furrowed forehead and angered eyes.

Tj couldn't help but gaze down on your lips. His mind completely elsewhere, wanting nothing more than to kiss and bite those lips, stick his naughty tongue inside your warm mouth. He was beginning to feel the side effects of the Ecstacy he took. Those two pills of Ecstacy were the last, and he didn't hesitate to take them all.

His warm, sneaky hands were slowly caressing your hands, trailing up to your arms in a lethargic manner. Sending heat to your warm core. The way his eyes look was making you all fuzzy inside, sending fiery warmth to pool below your stomach.

"That didn't change the fact that you two kissed and you're damn stoned again, Tj! Why did you even think about getting high?" Y/N forcefully unlatched his hands that were sensually caressing her feeble arms.

She could basically hear him whimper when she turned in her heels, walking away from Tj and aiming out of the room, as far as Tj wasn't around because whenever she sees his face. It's either she feels mad or feels the want to let him eat her and delightedly punish him for making a mistake. God, her thoughts are getting way out of hand. Was it the alcohol consuming her?

You thought you would be out of reach by your boyfriend, turns out he followed you like a lost puppy and with a want to oblige and genuinely follow all of your erotic punishments in mind. Tj was in for a mission, a mission to do all of those dirty thoughts you had in mind. He wanted nothing more than to be close to you as of the moment.

"Y/N! Talk to me!" You both stopped in your kitchen, it wasn't entirely the best place to have a conversation when you're mad. You were loudly sucking your lollipop in frustration, and you turned in your heels. Giving him a whiplash of your frustrated anger. Was it frustration out of anger? Or out of other..things?

You pulled the lollipop out of your mouth, using that hand to point at your gorgeously half-naked boyfriend giving you the googly, tantalizing eyes, standing tall before you, a pained expression in those baby blues of his. He wanted nothing more than for you to not be mad at him. Tj was already regretting why he let Sean kiss him when he knew to himself that he didn't have any feelings for him anymore. "You don't get to talk, Thomas!"

You stood on your ground, eyes giving a heated glare on your puppy eyed Hammond. It was making your toes curl inside your aching boots, the look on his face was making it difficult for you to continuously get mad at him, "Does he still affect you?" You whispered harshly through gritted teeth. Your damn mind assuming to think he still has feelings for that idiot and those assumptions couldn't help but send a sting to your big heart.

You loved Tj more than anything in this world, he was a broken soul and you decided he needed all the love in this world. Preferably a love that came from you and his family. Having to think that Tj still has feelings for Sean was hurting you, "Do you still love him, Tj? Do you?!"

Tj's baby blue eyes turned cerulean from your admittance. He chewed his bottom lip, staring straight into your fragile soul beneath your eyes. Thump, he heard. Then, another loud, ear-wrecking thump. The way his heart was beating isn't the same way as he felt for Sean, that particular beat of his heart was only for you, a melody made for you and he could feel his heart screaming for your name.

You were special, but Sean was not. He have loved that man, yet he loved you more than he loved him if that was even possible.

"No, I don't!" He debated, largely puffing out breaths through his mouth out of frustration. You needed to repeat your question because you were contemplating whether he was telling the truth or not. "You don't?! Really, Tj?! Then why the fuck do you sound like you do?!"

Tj was getting agitated, his truthful words ignored by your stubborn mindset. He was telling the honest truth, yet you couldn't believe him and it was making him demonstrative. The drugs in his system turning him more emotional when his eyes turned glassier due to fact that he wanted to cry out the frustrations and the painful feeling that you didn't trust and believe him enough.

You were just like his family. Everyone appears to have a difficult time to trust in him, he thought you were going to be an exception, he thought you could trust him enough more than how his family does, "I-I really don't! I don't! Not anymore!" He stuttered, and poked the inside of his cheeks with his tongue, tears threatening to form in his cerulean eyes that were turning reddish with every forcible word that he wanted to say.

"You're the one I love, Y/N. You're the only girl I loved, I-I never thought I would be in love with a woman, ever. Then, you came along,"

"--You showed me how it feels to be loved, completely loved that you gladly accepted my fucking imperfections and my damn complicated sexuality," You heard his voice break and with that, you knew your baby boy was beginning to slowly break. You felt your heart shatter when he tried hard to talk through out his mental breakdown, "--how to be trusted enough with their life. But, why the fuck do you sound like you don't trust me enough? why don't you trust the words I say, Y/N?"

Your eyes were tempted to jump out of your eye sockets when he desperately took your face in his hands, forcing you to look into his cerulean, glassy eyes. An obvious frown on as he was turning to look miserable. Manipulating thoughts forming in his head, Didn't you love him anymore? Were you just like Sean? Did you love him because you needed something from his family's reputation? This was why Tj never wanted to love again, he was scared that he would fall deeper than he intended to, and unfortunately..he did.

"Tell me you trust me!" He rasped and pleaded desperately, his lower lip pouting when you kept staring at him with that shocked look in your eyes, "Tell me you love me, Y/N. You do right? You do love me? These...These thoughts inside my head," He choked, sniffing to himself.

"T-They aren't real, right? They aren't true?" You could feel his hand shake, his hands that were still on your neck, holding your jaw to look at him in the eye. He was breaking, and he did even more when you heard him emit a whimper. His tears began to fall, like a water hose without no gardener holding onto it. It was more painful to think if you didn't actually love him, more than how Sean hurt him, yours were more painful if it was all true. Just thinking about it was making Tj break down miserably, "T-Tell me you love me, Y/N! Tell me you love me because I do!"

He sobbed and sobbed a little louder and that made your heart cry. You couldn't take it anymore, you couldn't get mad at him when he was acting like that, all miserable and broken. He didn't deserve to cry. Not anymore. "Tj," You croaked out loud, eyes feeling hotter than the usual. You were quick to wrap him in a hug, tucking his head in between your neck as you coddled your crying, miserable baby boy. "I love you, Tj. I do, I love you so much, I trust in you too, okay? Don't you ever forget that, Baby." You gently raked your hand in his soft, fluffy hair. Trailing behind his bare back. You could feel yourself choke in your own anger, it was slowly subsiding, turning into dust.

"Tell me you love me, please..tell me you love me back, Y/N...Tell me you aren't grossed out, tell me it isn't just sex. I love you, I love you so much,"

Tj kept repeating his words in despair, he kept whispering that he loves you and that you were the only one in his life. You believed him, your stubborn mind believed him now. "It's love, baby. It's love. I love you,"

Only one hug from you made those horrible thoughts go away as every minute passed by, his whimpers and cries were long gone. However, you still had him in your arms, gently raking your nails on his back. You could hear his sniffles. He feels so small in your arms and you couldn't help but cuddle him more. "Baby boy's all good? Now that you know I really do love you? And that I trust you very much? I wouldn't have been in a relationship with you if I didn't, Thomas."

"--Trust comes with love, and I love you very very much. This means that I trust you either," You gently patted his warm, smooth, broad back. Whispering loving words against his ear, "I just don't want you going back to the life you were used to, I don't want you to get caught up in your drug addictions again, Teej."

GO SCREAM YOUR HEARTS OUT WITH FEEDBACKS! YAAAY! Second part’s (WITH THE FILTHY SCHMUT) going to be posted after half an hour or so! GIVE ME SOME LOVEEEEE PLEASE? 

XOXO, 

TATA

#tj hammond x reader #tj hammond smut #tj hammond x you #Tj Hammond #Sebastian Stan #sebastian x reader #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan imagines #mcu oneshots #mcu imagine #mcu #political animals #James Buchanan Bucky Barnes #Bucky Barnes #james buchanan barnes #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x y/n #tj hammond lemon #tatasworks #seb-owns-these-tatas #tatasmasterlist #seb owns these tatas

[kazushuu]

any tips for beating freakin' deppression? how to handle with suicide thoughts? /// and i'm gonna to mental hospital, so words of support wouldn't hurt me... thx.

>>       **“ ………………………….. ”**>>       **“ ………………………….. ”**>>       **“** Well, usually when I feel like my life is slowly going downhill again, I force myself to cry for twenty minutes nonstop, and then I feel so exhausted that I can just fall asleep with ease. But I’ve been told that this isn’t the smartest method to run away from these thoughts, so I tried doing the opposite! Instead of sleeping, I try doing something constructive that requires me to focus.      …And that’s making mug cakes! With a microwave! You just need ingredients like flour, and unsweetened cocoa powder, baking powder, sugar, milk, oil, and you just mix it all together (in an order according to the recipe), and in the end you have a mini cake just for yourself… You can… eat it… and stuff.      I know that when depression weighs down on you, pouring yourself a drink feels like building a pyramid. But if you manage to do it, then you can already feel just a bit proud that you’ve accomplished it despite it looking so impossible at first… S-So I understand if this advice isn’t good… enough, but, uh…      I hope you’ll feel better soon…I can’t say I’ve beaten depression, I don’t think anyone is really able to… But as long as you’ll keep living, you’ll find your own birdifactor, and brighter days are bound to come. You’ll be looking back at your darkest days and feel really happy!      …Ah, ah, yes. I’m really sorry… But as an English teacher, I want to help, “depression” isn’t written with two p’s. You’re doing really well though! **”**>>       **“** Perhaps pointing out someone’s grammatical mistakes when they’re going through a crisis is a bit insensitive, professor. **”** Too insensitive even for the doctor's sadistic taste?      But returning to the topic.      I do not have much advice to give, as psychology and… *dealing* with mental illness is something that I have mostly to figure out myself. Kazuaki indeed is better at recommending methods to snap out of it.      I know this separates me from most people, but when I feel completely hopeless there are only two things that I can do, and that is either remain in my house and dwell in my thoughts, unable to focus on anything else, or… go to work and occupy myself with the one thing that brings me joy: dissection.      Most of the time I unfortunately cannot perform autopsies on the school ground, therefore I pick up something that doesn’t require me to strain myself too much, such as filing and filling documents on autopilot.      …The only thing that really prevents me from ending it all is medication. Adjusting to it takes time, and there are some side effects, but I have never found a way to cope in any more socially-acceptable way… Yet.      Good luck, miss. May you have more luck than I’ve had. **”**

#lilblacker #answered #( ic | answered asks ) #( shuu | do not waste my time ) #( kazuaki | please be kind to me! ) #suicide talk #depression talk #[ I hope this is an answer you're okay with HAHA ] #[ but the mod wishes you good luck too...! ]

[joie-university-rp]

Dear KURT HUMMEL,

It is with great pleasure we invite you admission to Joie University! Welcome to the Thunderclap family!

–

Congratulations, KEN! Please be sure to check the New Members’ Checklistand send in your character’s account within 24 hours from now. We cannot wait to see all that you will bring to this roleplay! We love you already!

OOC INFORMATION:

Name/Alias; pronouns: Ken, he/him

Age, Timezone: 22, PST

Activity, short explanation: Open/semi-open; I am between jobs at the moment and currently hunting, which leaves plenty of free time. Even when I job is found, I do expect to be very active.

Ships: Kurt/Men (Let the roleplay take it’s course!)

Anti-Ships: Kurt/Women

Triggers: None. If something that could be triggering to others may happen in the relationship or plotline, a warning would be nice, but most of the time, I’ll say yes to a potentially triggering plotline (ex. Non-con, assault, etc.)

Preferred photo for Character’s ID: https://p1.hiclipart.com/preview/308/595/640/chris-colfer-png-clipart-thumbnail.jpg

Anything else: It has been a while since my last Glee Rp, and this is my hope of getting back into it. Please be patient with me, thank you!

IC INFORMATION:

Full Name: Kurt Elizabeth Hummel

FC: Chris Colfer

Age/Year at University: 22 years old, and a junior

Birth date: May 27, 1997

Hometown: Lima, Ohio

Gender/Pronouns: Male, he/him

Sexuality: Homosexual

Major(s):  Directing

Minor(s) [optional]: Fashion Design

Housing request: Sylvester single apartment 141

Extracurriculars: Film Club Vice President

Greek Life Affiliation: None.

CHARACTER PROFILE:

This is not Kurt’s first time in college. He attempted a performing arts school in New York City, but quickly learned actual performing arts was nothing like his little hometown Glee Club. Although he enjoyed the stage, and still envies the lights and the applause, he found his home on the other side of the production; directing. After a year off from education al-together to work, he gathered enough money to support completing his degree elsewhere- at Joie, as a junior. This is his second year enrolled in Joie, and he plans to continue till he receives his Masters in Directing.

Kurt was engaged, once. He never mentions to who anymore, or why it didn’t work out, but the timeline matches his decision to quit his previous school. It was messy, and he hasn’t tried dating since then. Those closest to him can also note this was the last he was known to sing, in front of anyone. Whoever left him, or whoever he pushed away, seemed to take his love of song with them.

During the year he was away from his first college (and leaving his fiancée), Kurt earned his liquor license and worked in bars all over New York. He nearly cut all ties with his friends from Lima, moving into his own apartment, and rediscovering what it meant to be himself, separate of where he came from or who he was with. His re-emergence at Joie University was the first many from his ‘past life’, as he called it, has seen him.

Kurt developed a small addiction to tattoos. He got his first during a drunken blunder; it ended up misspelled. He had it covered with a small light-blue Christmas ornament, for his mother’s love of the holiday. The moment it healed, he was already looking into getting more. Something about the vibration of the needle-gun was enticing to him, and the lasting meaning on his skin was the solid ground he had been missing. He now has the ornament for his mother, a canary in a cage on his left upper-arm, and a small pentagram behind his left ear, just for fun. He got all of these in less than a year and a half.

Kurt completed one short film on his own, with help from some of the students at his first college. It was a small narrative piece about a man that falls asleep on an empty subway train over and over, and each time he wakes up, someone knew is sitting across from him. Past loves, the mother and father, siblings, a baby-sitter, even the family dog that magically talks. The piece ends with the man getting off the train, having dealt with his personal demons, off to live his life leaving his regrets on that subway train. Kurt did not star in the piece, but his voice is all over the script.

STUDENT CENSUS SURVEY:

What made you want to attend Joie University? The allure of true education mixed with an emphasis on freedom of expression. The flowing curriculum makes deciding one’s future easier than at other schools, and with the chaos becoming an adult can bring, that kind of freedom is a perfect fit for me. That, and this was one of the few colleges that would accept the credits I earned from my previous school and allowed me to continue my degree where I had left off.

What are at least 3 positive or neutral and at least 3 negative traits that you believe you possess? I am very resourceful, moderately-to-extremely creative, and brutally honest. I am the first to point out my own flaws, so this is easy; I don’t let go of grudges, and will lie to make it seem I have. I’m a control freak when stressed. And I am… brutally honest. I’m told I have a ‘tone problem’ and my honesty can come across as bitchy.

Which of your traits do you value most? My need to be creative. I’m not sure what I’d do with my time if I wasn’t making something, doing something, engaging with something. It’s not ADHD, I just love creating.

How can that trait benefit the University (or its student body) as a whole? I typically hold open castings for whatever projects I’m working on, providing paid (Yes, everyone I hire, I pay) experience, and if it goes well, a potential resume point for fellow students and myself.

What do you hope to gain from your experience at JU? The complete, untainted college experience. Something to make up for lost time. Maybe reconnect with some old friends, maybe not. A new beginning, most importantly.

What is a quote or song lyric that describes you? “Help me to decide. Help me make the most, Of freedom and of pleasure. Nothing ever lasts forever.” -Tears for Fears, ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’

#Accepted

[unproduciblesmackdown]

3 am’s a crazy time for it but it occurs to me i may as well give a heads up that i am like, for real at the present assuming that i’m gonna like, sometime in the very near future here be going offline again, in that sort of my ~plan~ (my one-step plan) is seeing if i can get myself on a bus (hopefully) and see if that can get me to the west coast. and from there i’ll just be like, well here i am in a place i’ve never been before, being unhoused for the second time but this time not living in my car, which is a bit different than living right out in the open, which i’ve never done. this, for example, is why i was looking up how to do makeshift stp devices. way easier to be able to pee wherever you are than have to find a place you can drop your whole pants, or an actual bathroom. apparently cutting the end off one of those plastic liquid medicine measuring things with the sorta spoon at its mouth works. anyways

i suppose it hasn’t necessarily showed but for a few weeks now i’ve def been feeling The Impending Pressure and it was getting down to the wire there not knowing if the Last Day Online would spring itself on me suddenly. but i can at least say i think i’ll have a days warning now and be able to say something with at least a matter of hours forewarning and not like, a matter of minutes. its been sorta wild though like, sorta assuming its like a Two Days Remain situation and in the midst of the unpredictability of depression, trying to just enjoy things as they’re happening, the simple stuff like chatting with people and being able to put my bullshit thoughts online...cranking out a fic chapter because it’s at least a better place to leave it hanging than it wouldve been otherwise.....just consuming this content that’s enjoyable and chill af.......i tell ya what—both in terms of being Fun and Anxiety-Reducing and Good Distractions and also, a great opportunity just to be talking to people on the daily which has been and continues to be absolutely fantastic—having been On that deh/etc will roland train for the past couple months has been a total gift. it was some great luck stumbling into that, seriously

anyways it’s weird! it’s weird thinking just like, i’ll suddenly do this thing and be on the other coast and just step out and be somewhere i don’t know and with no particular destination and maybe the lgbt center i looked up will at least tell me whats the best area to be in, sometimes they’re in the know abt that re: where’s a better spot to be homeless in than others. and from there, y’know, all i’ve been doing for years and all i can continue to do is absolutely wing it. and it’s funny that this all seems slightly less intimidating to me than it wouldve like, a year or two ago (even tho two yrs ago i was technically homeless lol but living in my car so like i said its different from living Right on the street) but honestly, obviously, it’s still very intimidating because how could it not be. i’m maybe not AS anxious but i’m still anxious and even though i know i could do it, i’d be stressed tf out and anxious as hell and shit while i was doing it. i mean, a crosscountry bus ride alone—i’ve never done that!! what if i mess up switching over to a different connecting ride between stations. bus and train bathrooms unnerve me, god forbid i have to get past someone to get to the aisle to GO to the bathroom. and, yknow, just a really long bus ride—how do you manage to sleep, how do i manage not to fall asleep at the wrong time cuz i doubt there’s an attendant telling you to get off at the right stop. though god knows it’s somewhat arbitrary where i’m deciding to go, i have no especial connection in one particular place over another, i think i have an uncle and cousin in CA but i don’t have the first idea where and i don’t know them at all

ugh. like there’s no actual way to feel good about it but if i’m gonna go somewhere it might as well be in a completely different place and i could try the west coast and i’m not one for making careful plans or thinking that making careful plans about your life works unless you’ve already got a lot of control about your situation, which i don’t. and it’s always been p inevitable that i wind up “properly” homeless, and it happens, and i don’t pretend it doesn’t scare me, but what are you gonna do? c’est ca que c’est / la vie. this way there’s a chance that A Big Change might lead the way for something better, and like hey if i die or some shit i die, which has always been a possibility anyways for the past like 6-7 years especially, what with how shitty i’ve felt lol. but i have no attachment where i’m at now and just. it’s hard to explain i guess if you’re not in the kind of place where i’m at but there’s not a lot of choices in the first place so, if i can choose the location, if it can be somewhere new where i MIGHT like to be for once, that’s better than not. and somehow so far i’ve managed to go with the flow surrounding big changes and sometimes wild situations, even if i’ve felt like crap and been super worried sometimes too. i don’t know for how many years now i’ve been Not assuming i’d be alive by the next year, but here i am having gotten this far, at least. it’s fairly impressive even if i don’t have any amazing achievements. believe it or not i’m pretty satisfied with my Achievements as just like, dumbass blog posts and fic/art and occasionally contributing something someone enjoys and getting to talk to people sometimes. it’s how i’ve been able to enjoy myself in the midst of some really awful times for the past like 6 yrs and i’ve appreciated it every day i’ve gotten to surf the net

like i guess it’s like haha, nerd, that half of what i’m worried about is being offline. but it’s a big deal being able to connect w the world beyond your immediate reach and distract yourself and say things and maybe even Enjoy yourself and also actually get to talk to people. but hey sometimes even people who live on the street manage to snag wifi connections somehow. i’d have to ask them how, lol. but, yknow, like i said, for a couple weeks especially it’s been like , Not Assuming I’ll NOT Lose Internet Connection and thus really trying to bear down on appreciating it. not like being offline for 5 months or so didn’t also make me appreciate it extra already. i was gonna say i survived it but i did get wildly depressed throughout like, august? september? probably both lol. anyways. what i’m trying to say i guess is that i’m not actually assuming i’ll be okay, but that only means so much because like, not to sound dramatic but i’ve pretty much never been okay on account of ive been just a half step away from living on the streets ever since leaving my parents house where i’d previously lived my whole life, which was an abusive situation. and also the depression and the years of really wanting to die which, at least 2018 didn’t have TOO much of that, in terms of feeling like it might be impending. now i can’t really be bothered, i’m just floating along and if i die i die, right. what i’m trying to say is, there’s not really any Good Proper option to choose where i’m definitely okay, so it’s basically about choosing between bad options, and with this choice i might at least like the location a little better, change of scenery, not as cold as here, i dunno. there’s not a way to just choose my way into being okay. it’s all a roll of the dice anyhow

also it’s weird but one thing about being on my own is it takes the pressure off me in certain ways and it’s a bit easier for me to Do things. if there’s anyone else to answer to in any way, i tend to just not ever decide anything and definitely don’t pursue anything. i’m one of those ppl who either has to live alone or with ppl they’re really really really comfortable with, and since i don’t have the latter around and nobody especially me can afford the former, it’s like, well, how is not everybody homeless anyway, right? and people do it. because yknow, you have to do it, it’s suddenly just your situation and somehow people get through every day. idk. learn as you go. what can ya do. it’s choosing between various bad options, i could also just wander into the mountains and die, but i’d rather not, and offing myself is Way a hassle, and also would be difficult, same as dying of exposure/dehydration in this middle of nowhere patch of mtns. i might as well try my luck at being in a place where you COULD maybe survive or something, and where i could at least feel like, if i do manage to have any good things happen, i would even possibly want to be in that area and be more comfortable living there. i have no roots anywhere and only have a No Zone (near my parents house) and so its sorta like, pick a random place to be!! lol. ahhhh

what can i say. it also sucks having to think “boy, in addition to not dying, hope i don’t get physically/sexually assaulted—also, how do people get water??” but......such is the way that it is. i don’t know. i don’t think anybody looks at impending homelessness and goes “i’m okay about this and not at all afraid.” and it’s strange to talk about how this is sort of ~by choice~ but it’s not exactly, in that i didn’t choose to only have abusive family and how even though i was working while living in my car it would never have been enough for rent probably even if i had someone to split it with and i also didn’t choose to not be rich in the first place and *the economy...... .png*

sigh. i dunno, it’s hard because i can’t talk about it a right way or long enough and get to a point i don’t feel intimidated or upset that once i Go Offline i’ll for real just be on my own unless and until i manage to get online for a moment again, in which case i’ll still be on my own, but i’ll feel a bit less alone, ha ha

anyways. speaking of trying to appreciate the simple pleasures of talking about whatever weird shit i wanna talk about and pushing myself to draw/write as it feels like it gets even more down to the wire—time to do that! 4 am and time to draw this weird meme & hopefully crank out the rest of this oneshot & maybe even draw again, and maybe again—it’s cool cuz i slept weird the other night and then got again weirdly tired in the afternoon and took a long depression nap w sorta fun, sorta bizarre dreams. augh. so at least i figure i’m just cruisin now, Not Sleeping-wise

i might have to ask a favor eventually in that there’s something really super simple i ought to look up, but i’d have a ton of trouble making myself do so because of anxiety, yknow how it is. but i’ll ask that if and when i ask it

#ugh..... #i feel like it was right before or after xmas when i watched that vid about Will R talking about his film role playing a homeless guy #and he got like seven words into it and like as soon as i processed it i burst into tears lol....RIP #it’s 4 am what’s upppp...more like WHO’S up

[galaxystony]

shelter; peter parker x reader

A/N: i feel like all of birdy’s lyrics portray such heartfelt longing that i immediately equate to what i imagine being with peter parker would be like so. here’s this. it’s a shortie! enjoy.

requested:  nope!

Words: 1400+

Warnings: none

summary: it’s a little frightening to her that she hardly knows who she is when she’s without him; based on “shelter” by birdy

let me know if you’d like to be added to my tag list!

requests are open!

-

I find shelter in this way

Undercover, hideaway

It is the dark of night, and all she can think is about is how her heart is too full to fit anymore of Peter Parker into it, and yet it never stops yearning.

She is laying next to him, and every fiber of her being craves him, his body, his words, his heart.

He’s warm and breathing slowly but steadily, clearly dreaming. She traces his figure with her eyes, moving across slopes and lines, hardened muscle and softened skin.

She knows with undoubted certainty that he is her home. From the moment they met to the moment they will part, there is no one she could trust to be the one she always runs to. She hides beneath his silken words and radiant smiles, in his personality that is unmatched in anyone else.

He is her protector, her guiding light. He is who she wants to talk to when something goes wrong, the person she immediately thinks of when she gets good news.

The heat radiating from his body is a constant reassurance that he is physically there, sharing covers and moments with her. She thinks she could stay there forever, unbothered and safe, hiding in his room, her secret hideaway from the world.

And can you hear when I say?

I have never felt this way

When a tiny snore escapes his slightly parted mouth, she smiles, relishing in the sounds he makes, and she’s falling in love with him all over again, and doesn’t he know that she loves him? Does he know that she spends every waking moment thinking about him, and that her heart aches when he says her name?

They are nothing more than friends. Best friends.

They met as children on a field trip, a minuscule moment, a blip in history that may have gone unnoticed if she had stayed home that day.

She was sick with a cold, the kind that gripped her lungs and seized her sinuses and left her wheezing and sniffling all day, remembering the moments when she was perfectly healthy and thinking that she shouldn’t have taken a clear airway for granted, and that she never would again.

Their first grade class was going to the zoo that day, however, and she promised her best friend that they’d sit together on the bus, so she sucked it up, drank some Mucinex, and was on her way.

Her friend ended up being sick as well, but decided to stay home, leaving her without a bus buddy and forcing her to sit by Flash Thompson who wouldn’t stop pulling on her braid.

They were in the polar bear exhibit when she saw him. He was a new student, and in a different homeroom, so the only thing anyone knew about him was that his name was Peter Parker and his parents died, so he had to move in with his aunt and uncle, and subsequently, to their school.

Her first memory of him was the sight of him pressed up against the glass with a sad look in his eyes, watching the polar bears sleep. She remembers walking up to him and asking what was wrong, and she remembers him saying that the polar bears were sad because they were taken away from their homes, and then watching him burst into tears.

She remembers wrapping an arm around his shoulders and offering him a piece of her churro before grabbing his hand and letting him be her buddy for the rest of the day. She remembers making him laugh with her monkey impressions, and telling him all about her best friend Michelle who would love him, but she had the flu and couldn’t come.

She remembers telling him that she was sorry about his parents, and he gave her a watery smile and a thank you. By the end of the day, their friendship was cemented in history.

Friends were all they remained for the next ten years.

When they were thirteen, she, Peter, and Michelle all applied for Midtown High together.

At fourteen, the three of them started at Midtown and made friends with a kid from the Bronx, Ned Leeds. From that moment on, she shared Peter with both Ned and MJ, and she was fine with it. Of course she was. Because they were friends, and nothing else.

At fifteen, she realized that she loved Peter, and more importantly, that she was in love with Peter.

It was the worst moment of her life.

She was comfortable with being his best friend, with always being the girl who shared her churro with him at the zoo during their first grade field trip. She knew that telling him how she felt meant that their relationship would be changed forever, but because of that, she also knew that she would live in a constant “what if”.

What if she told him? Would he feel the same way? Or would their friendship become awkward and forced?

What if she never told him? Would she be missing out on the love of her life because she couldn’t act on her feelings?

Sometimes she wished she could take her feelings out of her chest and push them into his and say “here, take this and feel what I feel”, and then maybe he would understand how her heart felt like it was being squeezed in his fist, a constant throbbing that ached like nothing else.

She had never felt like this about anyone else before. How could she, with Peter in her life?

Maybe I have said something that was wrong

Can I make it better with the lights turned on?

She wonders sometimes whether her love is a fleeting thing, if it’s something just in her head because Peter has always been there, giving her attention and affection.

In these moments in the dark, she thinks that she’s absolutely in love with every part of him, from his upturned nose sprinkled with freckles to his long eyelashes splayed across flushed cheeks.

When she wakes up, she wonders if her feeling are genuine now that they’re lit by the light of day.

It’s a weird, confusing conundrum, having two parts of herself fighting for dominance. Does she love him or does she love the idea of him?

There must have been a trigger, something that made her stop thinking of him as her best friend and start seeing him as something much more, but she can’t pinpoint it. She’s sure it was a gradual thing, something built on years of sleepovers and study sessions, and days in the park with their friends.

She tries her best to keep her feelings to herself, to allow them to remain a secret in the night, one she will never tell anyone no matter how much it physically hurts her to keep her actions platonic.

She’s too afraid to push, because if she pushes too hard, they’ll break, and the thought of not having Peter in her life makes her throat close up in panic, and so she’s content to remain his friend who encourages him to make a move when she sees the way he looks at Liz Allan, and again when Liz is gone and he sets his sights on Michelle, her Michelle, which somehow hurt worse than she could’ve ever imagined.

She pushes MJ to at least try with Peter, even when each word feels like knives stabbing straight through her gut, pushes her again to try and feel for Peter what she knows he feels for her. When she watches him gaze lovestruck at Michelle when he thinks no one’s watching, she knows that he’d never really be hers.

All she has is the moments in the night, when she can pretend like he loves her as much as she loves him. Because she does. Love him. It’s irrefutable when she sees the way the moonlight casts shadows across his face, and his chest moves slowly while she tries to match her breathing to his.

She knows she’s a terrible friend for thinking this way about him. He and MJ are happy, and she had no right to come between them, even in her mind.

So she keeps her feelings inside, only allowing herself to slip in these dark moments when the world is asleep, and she can think about how she is no one without him, and that she’s lucky enough that she gets to love him, even if the way she feels could never be reciprocated. 

Tags: @multi-parker @cutie1365 @cersei-lannister @oswald-1998 @fairydustparker @lionfart @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @sunshine-little-miss @cubedtriangle @triggerfingerfunction @dailygubler @dianadawson @frickflop @sparkle-dinosaur @theholyholland @hayleyygrace @flyingfry @officialtessaholland @rileywrites-parker @tomhollandxreader @augurydemon @ragnuhrok @spidergirlwanab @stephanie-senpai-blog @brokenanxiety @clairesrainbow @hazeofeleven @gentlethunderstorm @yohoyohoafandomlifeforme @peterparkeroos @fromshiptocanon @floral-png  @negative-love @aevngurs @draqcnheartstrinq @hi-mishamigos @da-rk-para-dise @sams-hollands @caraboui @nayuzzl @lafayettes-baguettes-1 @sholla4-314 

#SHES ANGSTY FOLKS #original #my writing #tom holland #peter parker #tom holland x reader #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tom holland oneshot #tom holland angst #tom holland fluff #tom holland smut #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker fanfic #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fic #peter parker oneshot #peter parker fluff #peter parker angst #peter parker smut #spider man #spiderman #spiderman homecoming #spider man homecoming #spideychelle #(sort of)

[dcrewatch]

Detective Conan Rewatch: Episode 908

Episode 908: "Friendship Washed Away in the Riverbed”

Before watching this episode, on a scale of 1-10, how much are you looking forward to seeing it again?

5.

Favorite screencap:

Kogoro: “Me? Drunk? In the middle of the day and at the scene of a murder case yet again? Ridiculous!”

Megure: “...”

Megure: “...I’m going to need you to take a sobriety test. Also remain under police watch from now until the end of time.”

Favorite moment:

Megure’s “I’m so done with this” attitude towards Kogoro being at the scene of a murder, yet again, and falling asleep while drunk in the afternoon. ^^;

Least favorite moment:

Literally the only piece of evidence indicating Maria as the murderer as opposed to Juri to the audience were scratches on her hands in an earlier scene. And I feel like they were more obvious than usual. ...Can I please have an anime original episode with good writing again? This is definitely not it.

What's one thing you noticed/realized about this episode that you hadn't before?

Jeez, that kakigoori is bigger than Conan’s face. xD;; Looks like Conan went for green tea flavor and Ran went with strawberry.

Inconsistencies ahoy.

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate this episode?

Meh.

Celebrate it! Since I don't have access to a tablet and am too lazy to scan a drawing, have a (not exactly) summary haiku.

Girl found in river

Dead from being struck on head

Friend trio no more

Next Episode: Episode 909

Previous Episode: Episode 907

#detective conan #detective conan rewatch #episodes #名探偵コナン #anime original #Seiji Muta #Hideyuki Motohashi #Kenichi Otomo

[italicwatches]

Comic Girls - Episode 06

Aaaargh. Bureaucracy makes one’s life a living hell. But, phone calls made. Now I just have to…make more of them tomorrow. …Great. Just…Just great. Anyways how about that anime? It’s Comic Girls, episode 06! Here we GO!

-We begin with…A blood moon rising once again! Be careful, Kaos! Wait, am I even in the right show? …Yes. So Kaos is in the baths, when she has a newtype flash of insight about her manga. She has it! She…She…She just saw someone out there! Hanging from a noose?! KYAAAAAH

-So tiny Kaos screaming causes the others to come running, and they see Kaos as nude and tiny as the day she was born but also Koyume doesn’t see…Oh god.

-Oh god she’s coming! SHE’S REAL

-Opening! Complete with an intense mood whiplash from the legit horror.

-So Koyume and Kaos come out to look more thoroughly, and can’t find a damn thing…It was probably just a trick of the light. Better to write it off and just get some ice cream. Though Kaos is still pretty freaked out of possibly seeing an evil spirit.

-And then as they’re in the house, the sky turns red, and the Ringu ghost is upon them again! Kaos goes FULL PANIC and hides behind Koyume, as the terrifying ghost girl steps forward and Kaos ends up fleeing into Ruki’s room because A GHOST IS TRYING TO KILL HER! With all black hair in a white dress and you can’t see her face and AAAAAH

-Okay, okay, calm down, it was probably nothing…Wait where’s Koyume?

-Koyume screams! SHE’S BEEN CAUGHT BY THE GHOST

-Wait Koyume is friends with the ghost! THIS MIGHT BE EVEN WORSE!

-Actually know this is just the spooky goth Fuura-senpai. Fur Suzu, a horror specialist. Who has come back to the dorm to see her dear friends! And she is fascinated by little Kaos’s excellent screams. …Kaos is no less terrified now that she knows Suzu is made of meat. Especially when Suzu comments about her lovely long hair and how it’s said that long hair connotes spiritual strength, and oh the ghosts would love you, aaaand there’s our episode title. Suzu, I think you broke Kaos. Also, Koyume is way too into being snuggled by this spookily cold goth if it means relief from the summer heat. But then, Koyume’s middle name is “way too into”.

-New day! Kaos is trying to think in the stark light of morning, and figure out how to avoid Suzu. OH GOD SHE’S RIGHT THERE. Apparently Suzu actively likes to sneak up behind people when they’re using a mirror just to fuck with them.

-And later, she brings by cookies. In the shape of skulls and severed parts. Or later, she brings by a skeleton! And a mouth full of fake blood. Oh wait, I’m sorry, it’s a dessert treat made to look like fresh gory brain. That’s much less freaky.

-And she puts Kaos to work, posing her with Mr. Bones. Kaos wants off the ride, but Suzu is loving her screams and it’s making such good poses! Aaand then she passes out. Which is about when Ruki and Tsubasa come to the rescue, and Tsubasa has what I am certain are costume prayer beads bought at an anime convention, as she just babbles good sounding words and Suzu is kind of enjoying the idea of Tsubasa purifying and exorcising her.

-Tsubasa please quit turning the spooky goth more gay. You’re causing a ruckus.

-So while she has Suzu pinned, everyone get Kaos out of here! NOW! So eventually Kaos is sobbing into Ruki’s lap as they hide out in Ruki and Tsubasa’s room. But Suzu has taken a liking to Kaos’s screaming and panic. How can they fix this…Ruki, you had to deal with her when you were here, right?

-…Right. Even when sleeping. Or bathing. Or trying to hide. Suzu was always there, always on her like a problematic moral lesson in a slasher movie. She eventually ended up putting the horror of it into her dark romance miniseries The Stalker’s Wife, just to clear her head…But Kaos doesn’t even have the brain-juice to do that. She’s just cowering, terrified, in the corner. So there’s only one way to ditch Suzu…and it’s to make her feel bored. She’ll leave you alone once you’re no longer a fun toy.

-So as night falls, they barricade the door to Ruki and Tsubasa’s room, and prepare to make their grand last stand…The skies turn black, and then to red, as the blood moon rises once again. Furious red rain comes down, and scarlet lightning splits the sky, as Suzu comes seeking her prize! She bangs on the door, demanding her Kaos-chan…

-When a bolt of lightning strikes close enough for the thunder to be deafening, and Suzu panics, screaming as a woman possessed to let her in! She’s terrified of the thunder! Terrified and lonely…Lost without her own roommate, who got out of the game…So alone…So cold and alone…!

-The wind breaks the window, Suzu’s fingers pierce the rice-paper door, and basically everyone just starts screaming at each other. But some real earnestness comes out of Suzu, who knows she’s weird, knows people are afraid of her, and she’s so very alone because of it…

-And Kaos, suddenly feels a flash of empathy. She knows that fate all too well. She knows exactly what it is, as she slams open the door, standing before the crying Suzu…Who then promptly steals her away into darkness. Dammit Kaos, you’re too kindhearted.

-Also she notices how big Suzu’s chest is, and dammit Kaos, you’re too thirsty. But as the lights come on, and the wind clears Suzu’s hair out of her eyes, Kaos sees not a terrifying spooky goth, but an adorable goth-girl who she kind of wants to fuck. Well shit.

-New day! Kaos and Koyume are trying to get to know Suzu better and more calmly in the light of day…And Suzu is finding all this normalcy a bit overwhelming. While Ruki works, and reflects on how Kaos just seems to have a way to bring out the vulnerability in otherwise mature girls…Feeling like you have a rival? No, nooooo, nnno! Shut up. Uh uh. Sure thing. She’s just glad that Suzu has someone who gets her…

-SUDDENLY SUZU IN THE MIRROR

-Ruki screams.

-Episode 06: I’ll Go Shave All My Hair Off!

-Another new day. With another face. It’s…Ah haaaaa. The cosplayer from before, Miharu! Who’s not one of the editors, but their beautiful teacher lady! Her secret otaku life is still safe! And now she’s going to head out.

-Cut to the dorm, where Tsubasa got like zero sleep. She went up in the readership rankings, which is good, but also more pressure, and she doesn’t know what changed…And if she falls asleep in class, oh, it’ll be the worst.

-To school, where the girls run into their stern but beautiful Nijino-sensei and Kaos is letting her thirst overwhelm her nerves. …Dammit Kaos. She even drew a cute and beautiful teacher based on Nijino-sensei…Who hears them whispering about something, and did she hear her name? Oh god, they know her secret! They know she’s a secret otaku! Basement dwelling trash! A weirdo! A real freak! She hides, and tries to listen in…

-As the girls critique Kaos’s new character design and try to figure out how to give it that last little pop. You’re going for cute, but she needs a bit of that gap moe. A little splash of something different between how she presents herself and how she really is…Ruki’s mind goes to the erotic, like she’s super serious but secretly wears sexy lingerie! And Miharu hears that and just goes beet red. WHAT WERE YOU GIRLS TALING ABOUT???

-Okay, class. Calm down, Miharu. Just teach the girls like normal. Just teach your class. Just teach the girls and every…Tsubasa is already asleep. At least PRETEND to be here to learn! And so she hauls Tsubasa out into the hall, to ask why she’s so very tired…Of course, Miharu is suspecting it’s late night otaku behavior. And Tsubasa cannot, possibly, ever, admit that she’s drawing manga. Are you staying up late at night, Tsubasa? Um, well, er, you see…

-And finally, Koyume leaps out into the crossfire to try and save her senpai, and tries to take responsibility! Koyume you’re not even in this class.

-By lunchtime, Tsubasa’s trying to wake up with caffeinated drinks, and they’re trying to figure out a plan that doesn’t involve admitting that Tsubasa draws manga for a living. …Also Kaos please put your thirst away and focus. I swear to god getting this girl to function is like dragging a dog away from a boneyard, full of squirrels, that are made of bacon. The metaphor kind of got lost there.

-But Tsubasa has no options. Not least because Wing V must be kept secret. None can know that Wing V is just a high school girl who grew up reading Jump…Also everyone quietly realizes that Tsubasa actually still thinks that pen name sounds cool. Oh god she’s a dork. Look, at least stay awake through the next class, okay?

-And Tsubasa tries to stay awake…by…drawing instead of working or taking notes. Which Nijino-sensei finds! Oh god it’s all over! They’re doomed! They’re all going to be expelled or forced to quit their jobs or BOTH! And Nijino-sensei, at the end of class, doesn’t just take Tsubasa aside, but all the way out…to…the…roof?! This looks less like a scolding and more like a confession, Nijino-sensei. And out here, she wants to know, very seriously…

-Are you also a fan of The Dark Hero?! Wait what now. Miharu’s been a fan since the very first chapter! She’s a huge fan of Wing V’s work! And this…This is so good it almost looks official! …Yes. Fan. Fan of Wing V. Exactly. That’s it. What do you like about The Dark Hero, Nijino-sensei? It’s the art, and the story, and the cute protagonist! …Cute, not cool and badass?

-Yes, he’s like a spunky little brat, but he’s got such a good heart despite his acting out, she just wants to discipline him and clean him up into her own little handsome man! Wait you didn’t hear that. So Tsubasa had never considered this layer of appeal to her hero, but also Miharu asks if Tsubasa ever goes to fan events and stuff. Um, well, you see…

-And that’s when Kaos comes and runs out, and…Reveals that Tsubasa is…Is…!

-Oh shit I thought it would be like some fakeout. No she really just straight up revealed that Tsubasa IS Wing V! …Miharu doesn’t take it well. In fact, she rolls to disbelieve. She refuses to accept this possibility! But with no option left but the truth, Tsubasa reveals her manuscript she was working on just this morning…

-And Miharu is overwhelmed by its brilliance! To see the raw work of her favorite mangaka before her very eyes, here, at this school! To be standing before greatness! She is humbled, to her very knees to beg forgiveness! And she can only ask, if Tsubasa was there for the anime event at the amusement park last week…

-Nnno. She just happened to go to the park that day to, you know, go to the park. OH GOD MIHARU’S SECRET IS SAFE. And Tsubasa has to admit that she can’t ever go to that stuff. So many people think Wing V is an older man, since she pulls on such classic tropes and styles, and so she’s got to hide herself for now. So, please keep her identity secret. …But…It really, really was something special, to actually stand before a fan.

-And Kaos is watching the whole thing and sees the gap moe she was looking for! She can USE this! Also soon all the secrets are out. Well, some of the secrets. Nijino-sensei gets to learn they all draw manga, though I imagine not what, say, Ruki does. I don’t think her heart could take discovering that she has Wing V and Big Boob <3 Himeko in her class. And she hears they all, live in a dorm together…wait…wait wait wait.

-That night she calls her good friend who runs an artist’s dorm and THREE OF YOUR GIRLS ARE HER STUDENTS YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING! She could have, well, not gone easy on them, but…The point is you should’ve told her!

-To Kaos’s latest submission meeting. Where she has a pitch built entirely on gap moe, on girls who are far more gentle and kind than their various intimidating demeanors would depict! From the spooky but cute ghost girl, to the stern teacher who’s a secret fan of cutesy shonen manga. These are great characters…Where’s the story go?

-Story?

-…Keep working on this and come back next time, kiddo. ababababa

-Credits! WITH SPOOKY SUZU HIDING IN THE BACKGROUND THE BLOOD MOON RISES ONCE AGAIN BE CAREFUL KAOS

Oh, that was fun. That was ridiculous fun. Suzu is incredibly spooky…And is going to be in the next episode OH SHIT MORE SPOOKY GOTH. …Hell yeah. Look forward to that next time, in episode SEVEN of Comic Girls! Wait for it!

#where I watch #recap #anime #comic girls

[shadow--writer]

Is This Love or am I Dreaming?

😌 woke up today and chose violence (aka I stayed up writing this and cried)

@dela-png​ and I were talking about Maeve and Lucas and what they’d fight about and well this wouldn’t leave my smol brain, so enjoy 💕💕💕💕

Maeve x Lucas, angst, 2.5k words. --Lucas reversed ending-ish--

TW/tags (”real” triggers will be marked!): brief description of an injury, overworking, neglect, fighting, a whole lotta angst, and god I hope I got his character right

(title is from this song, it’s really good, give it a listen!)

~~~~

The candles were burning low. With them her energy. He wasn’t back yet. Of course he wasn’t. She knew him. Sometimes he’d come back late.

Other times he’d fall asleep at his desk leaving her alone in an empty bed.

She rubbed her arms, the summer so hot the heat was almost sticking to her skin. Her bangs were plastered across her forehead with her sweat. It had been a long day in the infirmary. She was tired. She was lonely. 

She missed him. He wasn’t gone, but...in a way he was. She missed him so much it hurt. 

She closed her eyes, rubbing her temples. She knew if she focused too much on it she’d get a headache. This amount of stress wasn’t good for you but… 

She looked away from the papers spread out on the small desk a few feet away from her...their bed. It used to be everytime she thought of it being their room and their bed and their space she got butterflies. But he was gone so often it had become hers, hadn’t it?

She pushed herself away from the desk, going to get ready for bed. It was a little late for a bath, she’d probably take one in the morning. Sleeping was going to be a miserable experience but...

It wasn’t like he was around to care.

Anger snapped up at her stomach like a vise. She knew he had a lot to do. She knew he had a lot of responsibilities. She knew how important this was to him.

But...wasn’t she important too? Didn’t he care about her? 

He said he did but...she didn’t know anymore and it hurt. 

The door to their room creaked open, Maeve freezing in her tracks.

It was late. Normally he’d be asleep at his desk. Normally she’d be asleep. Alone.

They met eyes. 

“Lucas,” she said, the musical tone of her voice gone. In its place was something flat and unfeeling.

It hurt. 

It hurt so much. 

“...Maeve,” he murmured, trying to hide the new injury on his arm. 

Her anger returned, roaring with a vengeance. 

“Sit down,” she said, her tone offering no place for arguing. He was covered in ash, probably went to check out the fire that happened earlier that week. No one was hurt, but a bunch of houses were lost.

He looked how she felt. 

He followed her orders, falling into a chair with a ‘thump’. His hair hung over his eyes, slowly losing its curl due to sweat and ash. He was going to need a bath too.

She gathered her bandages, herbs and medicines. This was not the time for anything fancy.

But she couldn’t stop the rage she felt when she looked at him.

She tugged her desk chair over to him, sitting down and focusing on the wound. 

His skin was warm and tacky with sweat. Blood oozed down the large cut. She swiped a damp rag over it. A muscle twitched in his cheek but he didn’t say anything.

“Welcome home,” she said, not hiding the bitterness in her tone. He deserved to hear it. He deserved her anger. “I missed you.”

He only grunted in response, fueling the ebbing, festering anger.

“You’ve got to stop this.” Every time. Every time he’d come back to her it was for an injury. She knew he didn’t trust easily. She knew she was his go to for help.

But it stung when your boyfriend would only come to see you when he was hurt. 

Another grunt in response. 

He wasn’t listening to her. Again. 

As usual.

She tightened the bandage with a little more force than necessary, trying to keep from lashing out. 

It fucking hurt. It hurt so much it was hard to breathe. 

“You need to stop overworking yourself,” she said, trying to force her voice to be soft, fingers brushing his before falling into her lap. Her feet were bare and curled around one another. She felt alone and vulnerable.

“There’s so much I have to do,” he replied.

“And? Why can’t they give you a break? Haven’t you done enough on your own? Why not let someone else take the burden?” she snapped, his eyes meeting hers again.

She pissed him off but she didn’t care. Let him be angry. Let him feel an inkling of what she did. He deserved it for what he was doing.

Not only to himself, but her too.

“I can’t. You know this,” he spat.

Her hands trembled in clenched fists. “I don’t. I don’t know that. Because in my eyes, you have a whole fucking team of people and yet you do everything yourself.”

“Because I can’t trust anyone else to do it.”

“Then why do you even have them?!”

He gritted his teeth. “Because I need them.”

She breathed in sharply. “And yet, you don’t use them.”

“These are not their jobs!”

“THEN WHAT ARE THEIR JOBS?” She couldn’t stop her voice from rising to a yell. She couldn’t stop herself from jumping to her feet. The chair fell back with a crash but she didn’t care. “If they are so useful then what do they do?!” 

She was losing control. Her hands warmed. Her eyes flashed. Her nose burned with unshed tears.

But she did not care. 

“They help me, Maeve! They are there to support the people!”

“While you do all the heavy lifting because you can’t let anyone in?!”

“It’s dangerous and you know it.”

“Lucas, they are your CONSUL. If you can’t trust them to do even the simplest of tasks, then why do you have them?! What is their use?”

“Maeve we are not going to have this conversation again!”

“Maybe if you just listen to me we wouldn’t be discussing this for the hundredth time!” 

He growled, deep and low in his throat. She snapped her teeth back, balling her hands into fists. His imitation tactics would not work on her.

“Lucas I am here to help you, they are here to help you. So let us!”

“This is my job Maeve! I can’t ask you to take the burden!” He was yelling now. They both were. They probably woke half the palace up by now.

She. Did. Not. Care. 

“Then why am I here?!” she snapped. He looked like she had slapped him. Her eyes burned with tears. 

“Because I let you be.” His voice was low. It was angry. It was a command. 

And it hurt. 

She stepped back, pushing the chair back with her steps. He didn’t look at her, just held a hand on his new bandage. “Thanks...for fixing me up.”

She didn’t reply, just let the tears roll down her face as she looked at the ground.

“I’m going to get back to work.”

He started walking to the door. He almost made it by the time she spoke up again. She was done playing his game. She was done fighting with him. 

She was done sleeping alone. 

“I’ll leave.”

He froze, one hand on the doorknob. “What?”

She forced her head up, showing her tears with a streak of pride. If she couldn’t convince him with words, then she would with actions.

“You heard me. I’ll leave.”

He turned to look at her, fury barely being contained in his eyes. Those two words caused a dam to break inside him. 

Good. 

“Why? Because you don’t love me anymore? So you’re gonna leave like everyone else? Now that I don’t give you what you want you’re just gonna walk out on me?”

His words cut deep. She actually gasped from the pain.

“You...you think I’m here for something other than the fact that I love you?” she gasped out. “You think I’m here for something?!” She couldn’t stop her fury.

It hit her in waves.

First it was cool, then her body trembled and warmed. 

Then she was on fire.

“You think I’m here for some object? For some thing?” 

“Maeve. I...no I’m…” he seemed to be at a loss for words, floundering. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Lucas I am here because I love you! But I do not want to be your doctor.” She swiped at her tears. “Do you know...how much it hurts to only see your love when they’re hurt? Having the only conversations with them be arguments? Do you know how much it hurts to watch them kill themselves because they can’t let you in?!”

“Maeve-”

“I am going to say this once.” She stood with her legs spread wide. She stood to feel powerful. She stepped closer to him, her strides filled with purpose.

“If you do not get your shit together, then I will leave. If you do not listen to people, if you do not let them in. If you don’t take a break and trust people I will walk out that door!” Her voice snapped over the last word in her sentence.

Cracking and shattering. 

She was a mess. She was dizzy. She was angry. The heat of the summer made her clothes cling to her. One of the legs on her pants was rolled up to her knee, her shirt was falling off her shoulder. Her hair fell in ringlets around her shoulders. There was blood on her shirt. 

Sweat dripped down the back of her neck, she only felt the all encompassing heat of her deep buried magic.

She did not care.

“I am here because I love you. I am here because I trust and care about you. But if you can’t trust and care about me back, then I will save myself the heartache and go.”

She was fighting back a sob. 

She turned her back to him, not wanting him to see her tears get heavier. They fell like rain. She didn’t stop them, nor did she want to. 

She bent down and picked up the chair, moving it next to the one he sat in. 

The world spun. Her chest ached.

She missed him so much. She loved him so much. She cared, loved, felt about him so strongly it cut deep. 

Like a festering wound left untreated, she stood there. Her skin burned, she bit her cheek to keep from breaking down right there. She wouldn’t. Not while he was still there. 

He stood in silence behind her, she could feel him. Shifting back and forth. Waiting. Watching. 

She moved to go to...their...bathroom. If he wasn’t going to leave, then she would move away so she wouldn’t have to see him. 

He grabbed her hand, fingers closing around hers gently. So gently. A movement and she’d be out of his grasp. 

She stopped, bringing her foot back to stand still.

He squeezed her hand once.

She waited a moment before squeezing back. 

They stood in silence, hands clasped, for a few heartbeats.

The blood roaring in her ears slowed. His breathing soon became all that she heard. 

He let go of her hand, fingers ghosting up the length of her arm. She felt goosebumps erupt on her skin.

His touch was so light and so gentle she wanted to break down. She wanted to break down with how much she missed it. 

His hand brushed her shoulder, not bothering to adjust the shirt falling down. She almost gasped with how cold his fingertips were. He held his hand against the side of her neck, and against her better judgment she leaned into his touch.

“...I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice thick with emotion.

“I know,” she responded, choking on the words. 

His hand dropped from her neck as he looped his arms around her waist, tugging her into his chest. 

She didn’t look up at him, just leaned into his embrace and cried.

She could feel his tears as they fell onto her hair, and they stood in silence together. 

He was a mess and probably smeared ash all over her with his touch. Ash and ink from working on something. 

Hell she didn’t even know.

She let out a small sob, leaning back into him. She missed him. His touch. Her skin burned. “Hold me,” she whispered. “Please, Lucas please hold me.” She was begging. 

She ached for him. 

She wanted him.

Please.

It was a desperate plea but all she wanted was him. 

He leaned closer, kissing the top of her head as they cried. “Please. Lucas. Please,” she whispered, repeating it over

And over

And over

And over again.

Falling for a man like this was never easy. She hated how neglectful he was.

But in quiet moments like this, none of it seemed to matter.

It wasn’t until her legs gave out and became wobbly that he moved again.

He scooped her up, cradling her close. She couldn’t stop her tears once they started, pouring out all her loneliness and hurt out. 

He only softly hushed her, rocking her back and forth and he settled her into the sheets. 

He shifted as if he was going to leave and she grabbed his hand, hiccuping. She was going to hate herself in the morning but she didn’t care.

“Don’t go. Don't go please. Please, please don’t go,” she cried, the tears falling faster. “Lucas stay with me.”

His name on her lips stopped him again. He sat back down, back to her, her hand still on his arm.

His next word was slow. Slow, thick, emotional, wanting. “Okay.”

And he stayed.

He took off his boots, turning over to bundle her up in his arms. His eyes were red and blotchy. His hands trembled around her, her shirt rising up. She didn’t care, fisting the fabric of his shirt in her quivering hands.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to her hair. “I’m so sorry.” He repeated it, each time his voice cracking.

“I know. I know,” she whispered back, trying to get closer. Closer. It wasn’t enough. It would never be close enough. “I miss you,” she whispered, lips brushing his collar bone. “Missed you here with me. I miss you so much Lucas. It hurts. Why does it hurt so much?”

He didn’t respond, just held her closer, whispering soft intelligible things to her hair. 

She sniffled, kissing his neck. He tasted like salt. He had smudges of ash up his jaw. He probably got smudges on her and her clothes.

“You need a bath,” she murmured.

“I know,” he rumbled. “You need one too.”

She smiled, tears spilling from her eyes again. She missed their talks. Jokes. Flirtations. He had gotten quiet with his new position. 

She missed his voice. 

“Is that an invitation?”

He chuckled, toying with the ends of her hair. “And if it is?”

She kissed his neck again, her breath warm against his skin. His office probably had a drafty window. “If it’s an invitation.” Another kiss, this one made him squirm a little. “My answer is yes.”

He didn’t respond, but she could feel him smile.

He pressed a kiss into her hair, and they settled into silence.

She knew this was going to be hard.

She knew he wasn’t going to be easy to get along with.

She knew he wasn’t going to listen to her all the time.

She knew she was just as hard-headed and stubborn as he was.

But in that moment all she could feel was how much she loved him. In that soft, emotionally charged moment, it was all she wanted. 

And sometimes, that was enough. 

#the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana oc's #lucas and maeve #apprentice x apprentice #arcana apprentice #arcana mc #arcana fic #my writing #fuck I cried so much while writing this lmao #this is what I get I guess #lucas #maeve #beta'd this MYSELF #sorry for any mistakes #is this good? who knows #I made myself feel things and im upset lol #why ship ur character with canon characters when u can ship oc's? #my new motto #I started writing the argument and softly went oh no #this is what I GET lmfao #okay that's enough rambling in the tags for one day #writing in the dark on ur phone is an experience #me: I want them to be happy! #also me: #I wrote this at midnight do not judge me lol

[callmeunstable]

Angels & Demons - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Characters: Reader

Summary: She finds herself in the middle of a unknown forest after falling asleep. It seems like a normal forest until she gets to meet a mystical creature that welcomes her in a different world.

Warnings: Monsters, Cursing, Blood

Words: 2.000+

A/N: Hey! This is my first fic and I decided to place it in the universe of the greatest of the greatest. Geralt of Rivia! I don’t know where this will go 100%, but I know it’s going to be interesting. 😄 The reader starts of in our modern world and stumbles into the universe of The Witcher. I take my information mostly from the books and games but my fic is set based of the Netflix series so it’s basically beginners friendly.☺️

Disclaimer: GIF’s and PNG’s are taken from Tumblr and are not mine! Credits to the creators!

Song:

“Two face, two face, yeah Black, white, left, right, yeah Up, down, all night, yeah Can't escape it ever Don't forget my name I don't feel the same On a trip, no train“

The music made her headphones vibrate. Probably loud enough for everyone around her to hear. If there was anyone. She was alone, hiking in the forest. It was what she always did when her anxiety got the best of her. The city is loud and dirty, squeezed full with people that never look around. Never realizing what was going on in the real world. At least what that’s what they called their reality. She always thought it was foolish to believe that they were alone in this big of a universe. Impossible.

Some stones here and there made her trip but she didn’t stop. She knew where she wanted to go and she didn’t intend to stop before she reached her destination. Kicking some branches out of the way and silently passing other hikers that greeted her with waving hand. She didn’t like the people in the city. All of them were selfish and money orientated. Of course, so tried to earn some money as a health center receptionist at her university but only to keep her head above water. Her focus was on her degree in medicine. She wanted to be able to afford a good life for her and her dad.

“And all these angels and demons Keep shoutin' and screamin' I'm fallin' from Eden”

She slowed down and let herself down on the ground.  Pulling her knees to her stomach and breathing in the fresh air of the trees. The pollution caused by cars and all of these different companies laying behind her. Closing her eyes and trying not to fall asleep. Her insomnia got worse on hot summer days like these. The missing air conditioning in her dorm room made it even worse. Two hours have to be enough to function. She couldn’t wait for the autumn to start. For the leaves to fall. And the crowds to shrink

“So fuck me like a rockstar, dancing on a cop car Nothin' in the world can stop me now Fucked up like a rockstar, riding in a cop car No one in the world can help me out-“

Her music was cut short and her eyes gazed at the screen. The Battery was almost empty. With an annoyed groan, she took off her backpack searching for her power bank. The only good thing summer had for her was the power of the sun being strong enough to charge the battery of the device. Still having her headphones in her ears. Just in case someone stumbled across and wanted to have a conversation. The easiest way to ignore people without seeming too harsh.

Her glance went up, analyzing anything she was able to catch. The mountains far back on the horizon hugged by a thick layer of clouds that protected them from any unwanted attention. The distance colored them in a blueish gray tone that would capture a lot of people. At least the ones who noticed and wanted to have a peerless experience.

Some strange black orbs were able to sneak into her daydream making her once again face the consequences of her lack of sleep. Slowly blinking she took a look at her watch. 2 pm. Still early. She just wanted to close her eyes for a few more minutes. To help her find her lost energy. Just in case she set her alarm for an hour and put her phone in the pocket of her pants. - “Everybody said that I'm falling, uh Took another line, I'm calling, uh I'm so sick of the nonsense, uh I'ma dive into the mosh pit, uh I don't really think I'm the problem I don't really think it's a problem Me plus me is a problem One gunshot could solve 'em Tell my friends I'm sorry though T-T-T-Tell my sins to go. And all these angels and demons Keep shoutin' and screamin' I'm fallin' from Eden”

The tones of her favorite song woke her up. Her headphones got disconnected while she was asleep. With panic caused by the rush of adrenaline, she paused the music. Taking a deep breath and enjoying the silence again. Her arms were stretched above her head and a yawn made it through her mouth. Slowly gaining back clear vision she looked up again. But something was different. The dusk was slowly setting in.

She failed to set her alarm correctly. But it could be worse, she wasn’t doing anything special today anyway. As she was standing up she looked for the mountains in the far, however, her view was blocked. Big deciduous trees rose in front of her. Maybe she fell asleep in a different place? A little far more into the forest? 

She got herself up and started walking her way back. At least what she thought was the right way. Somehow everything looked a little different. As different as forests could look like. The hiker trail was gone. Slowly breathing away her risen heartbeat she tried to focus. It’s just the forest how bad can it be? She always found her way out of it. She got lost a couple of times whilst exploring new paths but still. The air felt different. Not as heavy as she was used to. The trees were able to give her better oxygen as in the city but they just couldn’t hold all of the smog back.

Her feet automatically began to walk faster and faster as time went by and nothing seemed familiar anymore. She tried to find her starting point again but that seemed rather impossible right now. There was still a lot of light left but everything seemed strange.

She started to run. Jumping over the rocks and logs that blocked her way. As she was trying to bridge over the next log she wasn’t able to see the small lowering that led to her stumbling and rolling a couple of feet down. ‘Great, just great.’ 

Her thoughts were sarcastic, helping her to cope with the panic rising in her throat.

She looked up and let out a short scream. Some big bright yellow eyes were looking at her from above. They belonged to a child with pale blue skin. At least it looked like a child. She didn’t dare to move one muscle, staring at the creature in front of her.

It was barely as tall as a 9-year-old and it’s skin made it look like it was suffocating. A rough crown made out of sticks sat on top of its head. It wore some pants that had seen better days. They seemed to be made out of a cheap fabric that was ripped in several places. A green scarf was hanging from its neck. 

“Hello.” It could speak. His mouth was stretched to wild smile.

“It’s been some time since an ol’ villager got lost in ma forest. That was some fall you had. Are you alright?” Still staring at the creature she tried to get her words together.

“Ehm…yes I tripped and fell. I don’t think I’m hurt. Thank you.”

“Good to hear. So what’s your name? I’m James.”

She hesitated. She didn’t even know if this creature was human. She couldn’t trust just anyone.

“Alva. My name is Alva.”

“Nice to meet you, Alva. So what did ya run away from? Thought the Drowners were after ya.” Drowners? What the fuck are Drowners?

“Yeah so. Excuse me the question but you seem rather … blue?” She was scared to ask something like this but this little creature seemed friendly.

“Oh that. Have you never seen a good ol’ Godling? Because that’s just what I am indeed.” The little boy laughed and seemed to be happy to have found some company.

“That is a Godling?”

“You never heard of us amazing Godling?”

The little blue boy explained to her that Godlings are woodland creatures dwelling in burrows and moss-covered hollow stumps on the outskirts of human settlements. They are deeply rooted in their home territory and perform acts of care and guardianship to those dwelling near their burrows. They watch over people as well as animals, but, shy creatures by nature, they try to do so while remaining unseen. Godlings are drawn to joy and innocence, and so delight in the company of children and usually only show themselves to the young.

“That’s why I am talking to ya. You seem fun. At least you look funny.” The boy started to walk around her while lifting her flannel and poking her skin.

‘He’s the one looking like a tall version of a smurf. What is he talking about?’ Her thought rushes inside of her head, making her regaining the feeling of dizziness.

“So you’re telling me you’re some kind of magical creature as in Harry Potter?” The girl tried to order her thoughts by sitting down and trying to hold on to the facts the little guy was telling her. Maybe she was in a coma? Or dreaming? Possibly. These are the only explanations she could come up with.

“I don’t know anyone called Harry Potter. Is he a friend of yours?”

“Ok, listen up. You’re probably just part of my imagination so why don’t we have some fun while it lasts?” As long as she sleeping and lucid dreaming she could at least make the best out of it.

“Yes, let’s have some fun! I love singing, I love music! I heard some strange melody coming from your direction. That’s how I found you.” James started to do some little happy jumps and clapping.

“Oh, you mean this?” Alva took her phone out of her pocket and showed it to him.

“What witchy device is that suppose to be?”

“No magic. Technology. Let me show you.” She pressed on some Icons and song from earlier continued.

“So fuck me like a rockstar, dancing on a cop car Nothin' in the world can stop me now Fucked up like a rockstar, riding in a cop car No one in the world can help me out.”

The little one danced to the music and showed off some rather random dance moves. Spinning in circles, jumping up and down and throwing his hands in the air.

Still thinking of her lucid dreaming she joined her little Godling friend. Turning the music louder and louder they enjoyed themselves.

Until a growl broke the peace of the music. But both James and Alva were to focused on having von dancing to notice some strange noises. They didn’t hear it, down to the moment when the girl got hit by something sharp, making her fall to the ground.

“Don’t stop dancing Alva, you’re no fun.” The Godling still didn’t realize that Alva was sitting on the ground covering her bleeding upper arm with her hand. Looking up she saw the scariest creature she could’ve imagined. 

In front of her is standing a sickly blue or green colored human, with slime and sludge oozing out of every pore and the acrid stench of rot wafting off of it. No, that wasn’t a human.

“James! What the fuck is that?” The girl cried for help.

Finally objectifying the situation, James was hurrying towards the creature when it rose its arm for another attack.

Covering her face Alva started to realize that this is the moment she was going to die. You can’t get hurt in a dream. That is just not possible. Her arm was on fire, giving her a pain she never had felt in her entire life. This was real. Waiting for the next hit but it never came.

Slowly she opened her eyes to see only James in front of her. The monster not in sight.

“Where did he-?” Completely shocked by the situation and being unable to talk, Alva starred at the boy.

“Don’t underestimate the power of a Godling. Nothing comes between me and my forest. And since you stumbled in it you’re a part of it.” He looked down at her bleeding arm and his eyebrows furrowed.

“You need a healer. As much as I’d love to I can’t heal it.”

The words barely got to the girl. She was scared for her life. She never believed something like this could happen. But one thing she knew for sure. This wasn’t her reality.

“And all these angels and demons Keep shoutin' and screamin' I'm falling from Eden.”

#geralt #geralt of rivia x reader #geralt of rivia x you #geralt of rivia x y/n #geralt x y/n #geralt x you #geralt x reader #geralt x femaler reader #the witcher #a&d #the witcher au #witcher au #jaskier #cirilla #white wolf #butcher of blaviken #henry cavill #angels and demons #henry cavill x you #henry cavill x y/n #henry cavill x reader #geralt of rivia #angels & demons #angels #geralt of rivia fan fic #demons #geralt of rivia fic #geralt of rivia series #the witcher fic #witcher fic

[feathersxdreams]

Underneath the Surface [p.jy] au

Pairing: Park Jinyoung X Reader Genre:Fantasy; Merman au

 This is a long one...I don’t know how but it just happened... 

Jinyoung PNG by miilabieberhenderson [deviantart.com]

Do not trust the mermans’ song They lure you in They take your soul They take your body They take your heart And make it theirs…  

 It was winter when you heard the melody for the first time. A soft whisper from far away that carried an old, sad and lonely feeling. Even though you sat by a fire you suddenly felt cold. And even though there were people just a few feet away from you, you felt alone in this world. You looked out towards the sea where the melody seemed to come from. No ship was in sight and you couldn’t see something else that would cause the sound. Curious you stood up, stepping towards the water to see if you could find the source. A hand wrapped around your arm, stopping you from getting closer to the small waves hitting the beach.

“It’s a merman.” The old man who had grabbed you explained quietly. “They are out there tonight. Must have seen the fire. They are trying to get to your soul. Don’t trust em. Wicked creatures. They are always on the hunt for young pretty things like you. Must’ve seen you and now he wants you to be his.” His voice was rough. His face was marked by the decades of summers he had witnessed. There were a few scars alongside the wrinkles that came with his age and being exposed to the winds of the sea. He was dressed into the grey and blue woolen cloths of a fisherman and his hair had turned into a dark silver.  “What does that mean?” You asked, looking out to the sea again. The moon was barley there tonight, so the sea was pitch black and scarier than usually. You had grown up with the water but that didn’t mean you weren’t afraid of it. You knew of its force and how easily it killed the ones that didn’t respect it. The things the old man just told you made it more dangerous than you had thought before.  “Means he will follow you. As far as he can. Female ones just give up after the sun rises and look for the next ones to play with, but the male ones? Possessive ones. When they see one they want, they don’t give up until it dies or they have it. They don’t kill them, like their sisters do, since they aren’t as vile. Only towards those who try to take what they consider theirs. They take them somewhere only they know, hide them from the world and take care of them. Won’t hurt you. As long as you don’t try and run from them.” He stared out to the water too. Looking as if he was in deep thoughts about something.  “How do you know so much?” You sat down again.  “Got those scars from one.” He pointed at his face. “Was much younger back then. Thought I could conquer the world. Went out fishing one night and got taken by one of them. Took me two years until I was strong enough to take him on and escape him. Don’t know if he survived. I don’t care about it either.” Both of you were staring into the fire now, as the melody continued to try and get to you. It had gotten a little louder now. Either he had moved closer towards the camp or he was singing louder. You still couldn’t make out words. Maybe there weren’t any. But you still felt lonely and cold. And as if following the song could help you.  “Won’t he try and hurt you, since he you stopped me from going to the water?” You asked, concerned for his wellbeing and life. He had just told you, they were vile and aggressive towards those who kept them from getting ‘their human’. If he knew, wasn’t he scared for his life?  “Oh, he will.” The old man didn’t seem to care to much. “In fact, he is getting closer towards us, as we talk. Didn’t take him too long to find out. He’s preparing to fight. You should leave now. Go. Away from the water, back to the lands. You can’t trust the water anymore.” He ushered you up, pushing you to walk to the dike.  “Go, young one. Leave now.” Those were the last words he spoke, before a spear that came flying from the sea struck his chest right through his heart. His eyes widened for a second before his limp body fell onto the sand. You cried out in panic, tears starting to stream down your face before you reminded yourself of what he said. If you didn’t want to become the merman’s prisoner, you had to leave now. This man had given up his life so you wouldn’t and you needed to honor that by following his words…

 Two summers went by before you heard him again. Two summers in which you had isolated yourself from any human soul to make sure no one else would get killed by the monster that had decided that it owned you. You had never found out what happened to the rest of your camp, whether or not he had killed them too. No one told you and you were to scared to ask someone. Somehow life had brought you back to the waves. Life and the fact that mercenaries and robbers came through the villages, taking everything, they could need or sell, including younger ones like you. You had to run, run towards the west. Back to the sea. The sea that you had seen only in your dreams since you had to leave it behind that night. You had a feeling that he knew you were coming back. Your dreams about the sea changed. The soft melody started appearing in them. At first it was so quiet you almost didn’t notice it but the closer you got back to the ocean, the louder it got. And then, a voice started calling you. It asked you to come back to him. That he missed you. That he needed you and that he knew you needed him too. You tried ignoring him, tried fighting him back, but the more he told you, the more you started believing him. That’s how you ended up back at the beach during the night. You let him lure you in, just like the old men told you. But you didn’t remember those words anymore. Anything that would hold you back was forgotten. This beach was different, then the one you were on two summers ago. It was rockier. Some big stones laid in the water, making it easier for you to get away from the land. You weren’t sure if you would meet him here. Or if you would go with him, if he asked you to. But you wanted to see him. And you also knew that he wouldn’t let you go, once he got a grasp of you. He had told you so in your dreams. Also, you had read a bit about his species. Not everything, but the few things you could find about them that seemed believable. Enough, to understand the risk you were taking right now. You told yourself you would be safe if you stayed high enough on those rocks but it wouldn’t help. Not when you were surrounded by waves. The melody came while you were starting to doze off. As if he had waited for you to not pay attention or even fall asleep. It was closer, than the first time you had heard it. The sound of waves crushing down onto the sounds overpowered it from time to time but you were still able to hear it clear. Able to hear how the source got closer and closer to the rock you were sitting on. An almost too soft plash made your head turn towards the right. There he was. At least you thought it was him. A young man with short dark hair that hung into his face. The moonlight gave his skin a silvery glow and made his hair and eyes appear even darker than they probably were. He pushed his upper body out of the water, leaning against the rock as he looks up to you. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, exposing his upper body to you. He was slim, but still fit. The light illuminated defined muscles as he lifted his body up a bit higher. Drops of water run down his skin, glittering in the moonlight. The whole time he was smiling, while watching you, as if he was trying to find out, what your next move would be. “You came back to me.” It felt like you had been here for an eternity as he finally spoke up. It was the same soft voice from your dreams. The voice that had called you. So, this had to be the merman from two summers ago, right? “Who are you?” His whole being had started to pull you in and only now you had realized what was happening. You tried to fight back the dizziness in your head and to somehow stay warry. You already knew what he wanted from you and still it was as if these kinds of thoughts got pushed out of your mind. “My name is Jinyoung.” He scooted a little closer to you, reaching up to your feet, probably to pull you down to him. You reacted fast enough, pulling your feet close to your body so he couldn’t get you. For less then a second he looked like he was scowling but he caught himself fast, smiling at you again. Still his eyes seemed to be a bit darker then they were before. “You don’t need to be afraid, love.” He spoke. “I won’t ever hurt you.” You noticed how he softened his voice even more. He was trying to persuade you. Convince you that you could trust him, even when deep down you weren’t so sure about it. After all, he was in a way a predator. A hunter. A dangerous one. You had seen him kill a man right in front of you. “You are afraid though, right?” He looked sad now, almost child like sad. “I didn’t want you to be. I apologize for everything I have done to scare you.” He scooted back a little. You suddenly asked yourself if it didn’t hurt him to lay against the rough stone with his naked skin. There were no obvious signs of pain on his face. Maybe a merman’s skin was different from yours. “I wanted to follow you.” He crossed his arms on an edge of the rock and laid his chin onto them while looking up at you. “I wanted to follow you so bad, but I’m bound to the water. The stories of those who took the beautiful ones like you scared me. I couldn’t be there to protect you. I was happy when I noticed you returned to the water because it meant I could see you. And that I could make sure that your safe.” It was hard to not give into his will. Fighting back against the wish to climb down the rock so you could hug him. You knew what would happen as soon as you did. But that didn’t mean you did not feel bad for him. That you had no empathy towards the young man in front of you. “Will you take me with you?” You asked, still not letting your guard down even when something told you, you should. Your mind was still functioning normally and that’s why you were still careful. You wanted to be afraid of him, but it didn’t work. Not when you also knew that he wouldn’t purposely hurt you.   “I want to.” His look was intense. So intense it felt like he was staring into your soul through your eyes. “I want to so bad. But I know humans scare us. And I want you to come to me on your own free will too. It is going to be hard, but I am going to let you go if you want to. But you must promise be to stay close to the sea. So, I can see what happens to you and protect you.” This took you by surprise. He would let you leave this stone and go back to the land? “You’ll let me go?” A cold wind coming from the sea blew through your thin woolen clothing and made you shiver. It would start raining soon. The waves had gotten a little harsher than before, now clashing onto the rocks with more force. “I intent to.” He answered. “I don’t want to be feared by you, only loved.” He raised one of his hands, taking something off of his wrist. A pearl bracelet. He reached up, laying it down onto an edge as close to you as he could reach. You waited for him to pull his arm back, before you reached out for it. The pearls were made out of some type of wood, that had a bluish color to it. It felt rough against your fingers, like the wood of a boat that had been going to the sea for a long time now. “Can you wear it please?” He asked. “So, I can know your safe, even when there is no water around you.” You nodded, pushing the bracelet over your hand and onto your wrist. He said he would let you go, you wanted to follow his request. Also, you didn’t want to anger him. Who knew what he would do if he got mad. The last time that happened he killed an old man. You did not want to see something like this again. “Also, it allows me to visit you in your dreams.” He explained. “This way we can talk without you having to miss out on sleep. And I can show you, that you don’t need to fear me.” He sounded genuine. And you started believing his words. You couldn’t just say he was a monster without knowing him. In order to find out if he was trustworthy or not you had to get to know him better. “Goodnight, love.” He looked into your eyes for a few seconds before letting himself fall back into the water. Green and blue scales illuminated by the moon appeared for a few seconds directly underneath the surface before he was gone. It was something beautiful. Prettier than everything you had seen before. Something you hoped to see again soon.   “Goodnight, Jinyoung.” You whispered before climbing back to the beach.

 He held his promise. Every night, while you were sleeping, he visited your dreams. Told you about his live, his family and the things he had witnessed. The nights were peaceful, while he was with you. His voice calmed you down, helped you take your thoughts of the cruel things that happened throughout the days. The mercenaries moved closer towards the coast, destroying complete villages in the process. You knew that they would be here sooner or later. And as the days went by the only way to escape them was by putting yourself into Jinyoung’s hands. That was why you came to the ocean again. Jinyoung was already there, when you arrived at the water. His head appeared between the waves. Both of you didn’t say a word, while you slowly stepped into the water. It was cold. You shivered and fought against the instinct to go back, as you walked further and further into the freezing cold water. You didn’t put on shoes. You wouldn’t need them anymore once you were with the merman. The only clothing you wore were the thin cotton ones you wore to sleep. “You finally came to me.” He spoke, once you arrived in front of him. You couldn’t stand on the ground anymore and had to paddle with your arms slightly to keep your head over the surface. Jinyoung saw your struggle, reaching out for your arms with gentle hands and pulling you towards him. His touch against your skin warmed you up immediately. You weren’t shivering anymore and the water didn’t feel as freezing against your skin.   “Wrap your legs around me.” He whispered as his arms came around your middle, holding you up. You did as he told you, waiting for his next move. The merman didn’t do anything for a while, besides holding you against his body. It felt safe in his arms. Like you had found something you were looking for the past two summers. Like you were finally complete. It was like coming home after leaving for a very long time. This was when you knew you couldn’t leave him anymore. “Do you trust me?” One of his hands started to brush trough your hair when he asked this question. You laid your arms over his shoulders, holding onto the merman while burying your head into his shoulders and neck while nodding. The last thing you heard before water surrounded you was him whispering your name softly.   The normal human instinct in your situation would have been to try and get back to the surface as soon as you had no air in your lungs anymore. To fight back against his grip as your lungs started burning. However, you found yourself to not care as he pulled you down deeper and deeper into the ocean. You trusted him with your life, quite literally. You were like a puppet in his arms, limb and defenseless, as the merman carried you away until you lost consciousness.

 When you woke up again you were laying on something soft. Soft and dry. Like a bed. Also, it was warm. Warmer then were you came from. Slowly you opened your eyes to look onto thick green leaves a few feet above you and blue sky that peaked out from in between them. You sat up, scanning your surroundings, only to realize that you had no idea were Jinyoung had brought you. You were on a round bed that was on something like a small island. The only thing on it was said bed. The island seemed to be situated in a turquoise lake in a forest. Rich green plants were everywhere around you but you had never seen one of them before. Also, this place was way warmer and the sky was bluer then it was at your home. The merman must have carried you a long way to get here. A splash was heard, making you turn your head to see where it came from. Jinyoung. Of course. He was smiling at you, happier than you had seen him before. He swam towards the island, hoisting his upper body out of the water and onto the giant beige rock that held the bed. “You’ve woken up, love.” He smiled, pulling his tail out of the water too. The blue and green scales blinked brightly in the sunlight. You felt the urge to touch them, feel whether or not they would be rough or soft to your touch. “This is the perfect home for us.” He smiled, patting the spot next to him as a sign for you to come over. You followed the request, climbing out of the bed carefully. Your legs were shaking a little as you set one foot for the other one and you had to held onto the bed, as you sat down next to the merman. “There is a bed for you, and water for me. Enough fish and fruits to feed us and no human soul that could destroy our peace.” He explained. “I think this is the old nest of a merman and his partner who has left it behind years ago. It is the ideal place for both kinds, don’t you think?” He must have sensed your wish to touch the tail that replaced his legs, since he took your hand in his and laid it down onto the scales softly. “I’m all yours, love.” He leaned closer. “You can touch them all you want, don’t be scared.” His hair came around to play with your hair, while your fingers followed the lines of his scales. They were harsher than they looked like. The surface was kind of silky but the edges were rough. Rough enough to cut skin if it came to close. “Why am I still alive?” You asked. Your voice was scratchy like the one of those who hadn’t talked for days. Or someone who was in desperate need of water. Jinyoung noticed and reached out behind him, his hand coming back with something that looked like a big shell. He filled it with water from the lake and held it out to you. “Don’t worry, this is not the salty water from the oceans.” He smiled when he saw you hesitating. You nodded before taking a small sip. He was right. This water was sweet. And it looked clean. “You didn’t die because you were with me. That’s why the ocean didn’t take your life with him. It’s the rule the king of the ocean made with the water. The sea is not allowed to take what belongs to one of his sons.” “You are a prince?” You stared at him surprised. Jinyoung chuckled gently. “Every merman is.” In a way that answer made sense to you. But still, to the child of a fisherman it was impressive to sit in front of a prince. To be the partner or soulmate of a prince. “You don’t need to worry.” He continued. “It is just a title for us. The only impressive one everyone has to listen to is father. The rest of us are just…doing what they please to do.” He leaned back a little to look into your face. His eyes held a sparkle in them. Something that made him look more youthful than he had looked during the nights you had seen him before. “What do we do now?” You asked. You had understood and accepted that you would spend your life in here. But that didn’t mean you wanted to just sit around all day long doing nothing. “We form a bond.” He answered. “Everything that follows will just come naturally. We have the rest of our lives for each other once we’ve formed it.” “How do we do that?” You asked, curious. What you’ve read about them didn’t explain things like this. So, you depended on him, to explain you all of this. “We need to be in the water.” He let himself glide into the blue depth again, twirling around, while he was waiting for you to follow him. “This time I won’t pull you down. It would be contra productive since I want to hear you.” He promised you, while cornering you against the rock with his body, his warm lips pressing kisses all over your face while his hands came to rest on your hips once more. “Do you trust me?”  

Masterlist

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