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racinggirl · 3 hours

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you always will be

a/n: As a dedication to our boy's FIRST FORMULA ONE WIN, here a story that hopefully will be appreciated and loved. It's very different from my usual stories, and it may need some sort of trigger warning or just a warning in general. We don't always get what we want, and life can really be a bitch. Everybody struggles, it might not always be seen. I'm here for you <3

Warnings: mentions of car accident, hospital, breakup, swearing, death, cemetery, and some fluff bc I'm not THAT cruel

Also, please leave a comment/reblog, anything that makes me feel like you absolutely loved this story. It can also be a tip, anything to make my writing better and more enjoyable for you, thank you

Enjoy 🧡

Winning a race was something he dreamt of. Winning a race meant all his worries disappeared like snow in the sun.

‘You can’t win, you always fuck up’

‘Russia 2021 was the closest you’d been to a win, you’ll never get that chance again’

‘You should have switched teams when you had the chance’

No more. He won, and he’d be damned if he would ever let any hate comment, any judging advice or any disrespectful tone push you further away from him than you already were. He won, but somehow it felt like he lost.

‘’Mate, I don’t get it. Help me understand, okay? You won your first Formula One race. You gave all of them haters a big fuck you. You proved them wrong. The team’s proud of you, everyone’s cheering you on.’’

It was true, everyone was proud of him, everyone cheered for him, chanting his name after the podium ceremony. Everyone. But one person.

‘’Hello? Lando?’’ Max seemed worried, he knew something was bothering his best friend, he knew him through and through. ‘’You’re confusing me, mate. What’s the matter? Aren’t you happy? You can’t be too hard on yourself now, mate, you wo-…’’

‘’It’s her!’’ He finally snapped, all the emotions he had bottled up and put in that jar, stashed away somewhere on the back shelf of his heart AND brain sneaked its way through and made a reappearance.

‘’I won! Yes, I fucking won! But at what cost?! I lost her mate! I won and she wasn’t here. That doesn’t mean I fucking won. I lost, I lost it all, I lost her…’’

Max let out a heavy sigh. He knew something was bothering his friend, and he had a slight feeling it would have had something to do with the girl that stole his heart. See, you and Lando go way back, and you’d always thought you’d end up together, whether it was in England, in Monaco, it didn’t matter, what mattered was that it’d always been the two of you together, till it wasn’t.

‘’Lando…’’ Here it was again, the 'I feel sorry for you, but you need to move on' speech, which sometimes Lando could appreciate, but not now, not at a moment like this. However, he remained silent.

‘’Look, mate, I know it’s hard, okay? You.. You’ve dreamt of this moment for years, and I’m sure she’d have been by your side in all those dreams, but…’’

‘’But reality is, she isn’t. I know Max, I know.’’ Lando ran his face through his hair, then over his face. ‘’I’m going to get a shower.’’

‘’Lando..’’

‘’I’m gonna shower, Max, I’d appreciate it if you’d leave and let me fucking shower!’’ Lando snapped, he never did, but today was full of too many emotions he couldn’t handle, too many mixed emotions that made the bucket spill over.

Raising his arms in defence, Max stepped back and nodded, slowly. He knew Lando needed time, but tonight was the after party, Zak had scheduled the flight for this evening back by a day, which meant they were planning on partying all night long.

‘’No, Lando, it’s not okay!’’ Your hands rose up in the air, toward your hair as you tugged on it, gently, but enough to let your frustrations out. ‘’It’s not okay, how is this okay?’’

‘’I… We’ll make it work, I promise you we’ll mak-‘’

‘’Stop trying to fix everything! Some things just can’t get fixed, okay?!’’

Lando and you were like two puzzle pieces that fit, perfectly fine. But what happens when one day, the piece that made those two pieces of the puzzle once a whole, disappeared. Broke off. Got thrown away which made it almost impossible for those two pieces to ever become whole again.

You loved him, more than anything in this whole entire world. You were determined to give up everything you ever had to be with him, to support him through thick and thin and you would never. Ever. Give up on each other...

‘’It’s been 4 months, give him some time.’’ Pietra’s reassuring hand made its way to Max’ shoulder.

It’d been 4 months since you and Lando broke up. You’d said your goodbyes at the airport after the two of you decided it was best to part ways. Lando tried almost everything to keep you at his side, but he knew that loving also meant letting go. That was the hardest part of a breakup, though, but he’d manage. Or so he thought.

You were lying when you said the breakup hadn’t torn your heart apart. It felt like it went through a shredder and every time you’d tried to pick up a piece and place it back, it didn’t fit. There were pieces missing, some things were upside down, backwards, or not even in the right place. It was heart-breaking.

Your breakup was something that nobody had seen coming, the fans, your friends, heck, not even the two of you saw it coming. You had always been different, but that didn’t stop you. Where you loved to stay at home and read a book, Lando loved to go out with his friends, plan his schedule full of events and parties. You’d join him, every now and then, but you preferred staying home.

Until you didn’t. But then it was too late.

‘’My parent’s need me back home.’’ You explained, the warm cup of tea in your hand preventing you from shivering. You and Lando were outside, watching the snow fall down the sky and onto the grass of his back yard in London.

‘’Alright, I can come if you want me to, I’m free till-..’’

‘’No, Lando, they need me back home, permanently.’’ You let out a shaky sigh, tears prickling behind your eyeballs as you kept your gaze focussed on your tea.

You had lived with Lando for almost 3 years now, the two of you dating for more than 5 years by the time you moved in together. Your parents knew his parents, and so the ball went rolling till it came to a stop in front of the two of you.

‘’What? But…’’

‘’I know.’’ Your voice was barely a whisper, the tears that you were desperately trying to hold back now made its appearance. Your parents were sick, both of them. You loved them more than anything, so leaving them and going to London, then to Monaco with the love of your life made you both happy and sad.

‘’No, Y/N, baby listen please, we can make it work. Okay? I’ll come over every month, we’ll do it together, I can…’’ But he knew everything he was saying was a lost cause. Your parents needed you, and as much as he wanted you to be with him, he knew you loved your parents. He’d never forgive himself if you staying with him meant you’d barely see your parents again.

‘’You know we can’t. We’ve been over this before.’’ Your voice was breaking more and more every word. ‘’It’s okay.’’ You whispered, the tea in your hands not being enough to keep you warm anymore. ‘’It’ll be okay…’’

‘’… on your win. And let’s make this party one to remember!’’ Cheers were hearable in the entire club, Lando being one of them. He laughed, partied, and celebrated. He won, he couldn’t ignore that, but that didn’t mean he didn’t think of how it could have been.

His job was hectic, of course. Being a Formula One driver – a race winning Formula One driver – meant events, races, meetings, and mostly, fame. You knew that if Lando would have stayed with you, if you would have done what he wanted – which was coming over once every month, it would bring attention to you and indirectly, to your parents, who could not use the attention at all.

After you and your parents got in a horrific car accident a few years after you and Lando started dating, the media was all over it. You barely had a chance to recover before the media would send you emails; press would be in front of your house and Lando’s interviews were all about how you and your parents were doing. It wasn’t healthy, at all. The press that did those things soon got boycotted by his fans, but that wasn’t the point here. They were there, they took away that bit of privacy you’d loved and cherished even more when Lando got more well known in the racing industry. When he joined Formula One.

You recovered completely – thankfully – but your parents, that was a whole other story. Both in a coma, one worse than the other, and the survival chances were low. Miraculously though, they woke up. The first 6 months, they had to stay at the hospital. Their wishes were to go home, so after 6 months, the hospital arranged things here and there so they could recover at home.

However, 2 years after the accident, you got the worst news possible. The car accident you and your parents were in caused your parents to both have brain damage, severely. They would need 24/7 care, and they would not get better. It was the worst possible scenario, but Lando was always there for you.

You just couldn’t do it, not with his fame, his busy schedule, your work. You worked from home, something you rearranged the moment you recovered from the car accident. It was the best option; you’d be able to work whenever you wanted, you could join Lando for his races. You could work from Monaco, England, it didn’t matter. You could work at home whenever Lando had a triple header, so you could take care of your parents whilst working from your laptop.

‘’You know they need me, and I love you so much, I…’’ The tears were streaming down your face after you had finished packing everything from Lando’s apartment – you were leaving.

‘’Shh..’’ Lando’s tears had dried on his cheeks, the sight of seeing you pack all your clothes in suitcases was the worst thing he’d ever seen. ‘’I know, sunshine, I know, but it’s okay. We’ll be okay.’’ He mumbled with the sorest throat from crying. He knew there was no more ‘we’ after you stepped out of that door. It was a commitment you made to each other.

‘If I need to go back and take care of them, move on. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waiting for me because I don’t know how long that’s going to take. I can’t expect you to put a hold on your life and come with me. You have a career, and I need you to put that on number one, be selfish, please.’

He always responded with the same thing. ‘’It doesn’t matter, you are my number one, you always will be.’’

‘’Lando Norris, your number one!’’ The music was pounding in his ears, the smile he had put on for this evening was fading slightly. When there was no camera around him, he’d let it drop, what was there to smile about?

Three months later

Moving on from a breakup was one thing, moving on from a breakup in which both individuals still loved each other but had to let go was another. Moving on from a breakup after finding out your parents had 2 more months to live, was impossible.

Your parents passed away 4 months ago, 3 months after you and Lando broke up. It was the hardest period of your life, and at some point, you weren’t even sure if you wanted to live the life you’d known for so long.

You’ve thought to yourself multiple times, why not go back to Lando? Tell him your parents passed away and everything would be okay. But that’s not the first thing that crosses your mind after your parents pass away. Especially not within the first four months of them being gone.

The number of times you’ve gotten close to pressing call on your ex-boyfriend’s number had been too many to count, but you couldn’t get yourself to do it. What were you going to say?

‘Hey Lando, yeah, my parents passed away, so I don’t have another thing to do, let’s get back together?’

Yeah, no. Not a chance.

You’ve watched his race win so many times it almost felt like you were there. You could imagine what it would have been like to be there, knowing the crew and drivers.

Why hadn’t you called him yet? Or why hadn’t you tried to congratulate him, reach out to his friends? No idea, you were still in that grieving state and you weren’t sure if you were going to break out of it.

That was until, one day, you saw this quote. It’s stupid to think one quote can change one’s perspective on things, but this one did.

‘If you don’t do it now, don’t regret it later.’

It was hard, doing the things you did, but not impossible. Impossible was getting over the death of your parents AND not having the one person you’ve loved more than anything not be there to help you through it.

So, you did it. You got in that car, which was something you’ve been avoiding after the accident, till Lando helped you get back into it. Your fingers dug into the leather of your father’s car, the one they left to you. Just like they left everything to you, the house, the money, the company.

A weak smile appeared on your face, so many memories in just one movement, one moment. The road was long, far, you had to stop at a hotel for a night of sleep before continuing your lonely road trip to London. Back to him. Because if you didn’t do it now, you would regret it later, and that’s something you couldn’t live with.

Another long day at the factory, more meetings, more shaking hands, interviews, you name it. His feet dragged him through the entire factory, not once, but three times already – and it was just lunch time. Things were better, he still missed you, but he was starting to accept it, just that, though, because moving on was impossible for him.

It wasn’t when one of the mechanics he always had lunch with called your name, that he turned his head so fast it would have almost gotten him a whiplash from the force and the speed. Your name, you were there, here.

A weak smile appeared on your lips. It wasn’t an easy choice, contacting Max, ignoring all his questions because you needed to see where he was, where the man you loved – and never stopped loving – was. It was bold, he might have moved on, gotten a new girlfriend, but you dug around the internet and didn’t see any signs of that being the case.

‘’Hey..’’

He was a race car driver, so he was fast, – very – fast. But the speed of which he got up and ran to you was another level. Your arms didn’t hesitate once. They found their way back around his neck, his positioned at your waist as always, and he looked into your eyes for a brief second, just to check, just to make sure that what he was about to do was okay. It was more than okay.

Your lips melted together instantly, his soft, warm lips immediately welcomed your slightly colder – due to the air-conditioning in the car – and even softer ones in a heartbeat. It felt good, it felt so good, you lost track of time, place and it was just the two of you in this moment. You did not regret it.

‘’Congratulations on your win, champ.’’ Your breath was a bit more rapid, your voice a lot hoarser than you would have liked it to be, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that you had found your way back to him, like you always would have.

4 years later

It was no longer impossible. It was hard, for sure, but the moment you stood in front of their gravestones, your hand intertwined with his and a weak smile on your lips, you were exactly where you were meant to be.

‘’Mom, dad..’’ You whispered, head resting against Lando’s chest as he pressed a delicate kiss to your temple. Your hand rested on top of Lando’s, who had a protected arm around you, his hand rubbing small circles on your stomach. You played with his ring for a few seconds before you swallowed the lump in your throat. You looked up at your husband, who gave you a reassuring smile as you placed the tiny shoes on top of their gravestones.

‘’You’re gonna be grandparents…’’

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thatfrailsoul · 2 days

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Slow down for a moment. Allow your heart to guide you, to tell you if there is really a message here for you and behind which image it hides... And whatever the answer is, feel free to listen to it or to let go. Remembering that whenever you will be ready or will have the need, your true message will find its way to you.♡

Your message is right after this little question from me. You don't need to stop here and let me know your opinion - but it would be really helpful and important for me if you decide to do so!♡

Hi!♡ This blog grows day by day, and I really want to make it as comfortable and interesting as possible for every beautiful soul that finds and joins us!♡ For this reason I would like to know your opinion regarding something... To connect to this World, to our Guardians that are always by our side and ready to help us, I use my trusted tarot cards. And I always mentioned the cards that come out for every message and pile... But thinking about it, I realized that perhaps there might be many people that enjoy the guidance and messages on this platform regardless of where or from whom they are coming from. So I wanted to ask you...

Thank you for helping me out!♡

It's so painful, so tiring... To look at your life right now with all its challenges, constant ups and downs that never give you the time to enjoy a little moment of peace... Never allow you to breath remaining in the now that so rarely feels safe... The same things again and again, repeating themselves through different people or situations... But still and always coming back, as if you never did all that hard work, never tried and gave your best, never deserved some reassurance and serenity for all the lessons that you've endured...

It makes your heart ache, your mind feels heavy and so confused... Creating a natural need to escape. To hope that somewhere or through someone you can find the keys to a different reality, get to know about the mysterious destiny of your soul. Something deeply different from what you are forced to live right now, but more familiar and needed to make you feel your truest self, to make you feel at the right for you place and time.

But... No matter how many challenges, how many obstacles and battles that this life puts on your shoulders, making you face them no matter if you are ready or not... It's still your life. It's still a journey, an adventure, a story that is unique to you. That you once imagined and created in your mind the same way you are doing now, trying to hide from the present moment and this life.

You see in you memories a deeper meaning, more fulfilling adventures, romantic and poetic lives. You find yourself feeling that sour and subtle mourning of the lives that seemed so much more, so much better, so more right for your soul then the one of the now. And without realising it, or perhaps contrary knowing it, you try to shut this life down, to skip it by hiding in those memories, visions and dreams... Forgetting a tiny but important detail: that those are past lives for a reason. The same one for which your heart, your own soul, decided to live once more, to experience more, to feel something more and different. Something that you never experienced and lived before.

It might be frustrating now, perhaps it is your whole life that you can remember... But it's still your life, the one that you are meant to live now, grow into, and shift adapting it to your dreams. And those are still memories, still past lives, still things that were not enough for your soul back then, not enough to make you stop from experiencing this Universe through many more lives. Exactly like this life seems not enough for you now.

You will always keep them in your heart, those experiences, those adventures and moments that you got through in all those centuries, making you be who you are now. They will always talk to you, sometimes even guide you. Those past versions of you will always speak to you and remind you of something that you now are not really able to understand... The fact that it is not this life that is too difficult, not right, somehow wrong and torturing for you, too hard to deal with and overcome, and simply not how you want or need it to be, never enough... But it's just the desire in you that you were never able to satisfy, traveling through literal lives to find that something more... It's just the excitement and wander for what else there might be out there, how else you can experience a human life. That feeling that now... Is being slightly misunderstood, confused and influenced by the hardships and obstacles in your life. The one that your own self, through space and time, is trying to explain to you, by gently reminding you that those stories, those things.... You already did them, you already lived them. And that much more that you are seeking is ahead of you and not behind.

You feel so stuck, so overwhelmed, so lost between all these options and possible mistakes in front of you that seem all the same. Making it impossible for you to choose the right thing... And overwhelming you with the paralysing fear of choosing the worst.

It is tiring, not being able to choose or find a solution no matter how much you look around, no matter how much these situations surround and pressure you, demanding your attention right here and now...

And seeing all these dreams, remembering those moments... Seems just a mean joke of your subconscious mind that reminds you of others, perhaps better situations, so different from what you are forced to deal with now.

But is it really? Is your own subconscious mind so mean and determined to confuse you only more? Or is it perhaps your own self that tries to remind you something... That tries to show you how many moments, situations, literal lives you were already able to live through and overcome?

Is it adding more salt to your fresh wounds, or is it trying to show you how much strength, courage and inventiveness you have hidden in your heart? Is it mocking you with the lives that you can't have, or is it trying to help you shift your perspective, making you realise how much potential has the life that you live now?

It might not feel like it at all now - but you have an incredible power, such a strong spirit within you. The ones that can transform every obstacle, every fearful moment in a mere chapter, followed by another one. It is not the end, what you are going through will not be able to destroy you. You are not consumed completely, you are not hopeless without any possibility to get out...

You are only tired. You just need a moment to stay still and recharge your energy again, thanks to the powerful and almost magical work of your mind and heart. And this... Doesn't mean that you are weak, or falling behind everyone else in your life. It is only a moment of rest that even the strongest heroes need, before overcoming amazingly every obstacle that they come across in the adventure of their life.

You got this. The same way you did in the past, in this or other lives. There is nothing that you can't overcome, resolve, manifest or experience. And those mistakes that seem so scary and dangerous now... are just ways to spice this story up. Adding more character and worth to you, the one who will one day be looked at with admiration for your strength and courage to, sometimes, mess up. Learning even more about yourself, your abilities, and the different aspects of this world and this life.

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elizakai · 2 days

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hi hello rant time feel free to ignore this i’m just going to explode and it’s not the end of the world

the amount of times i’ve seen people go off on someone for stating canon facts about media, and they say “oh that’s not true! where’s the source! grrr! you’re pulling that out of your ass!”

and then immediately be like “i haven’t really read the canon ✌️”

…AND IT SHOWS.

y’all listen. i love canon and fanon interpretations. it’s a playground and it’s free space and don’t let canon puritans ruin the fun.

THAT SAID. CAN WE. NOT. pretend we know the canon of something if it’s blatantly being ignored?

i was just reading a post where this was happening, this specifically happens a lot with dreamtale (WHICH FAIR ITS CONFUSING) but for the love

pls pls pls pls don’t say something is wrong and fake and made up when you don’t know the canon?

JUST READ THE CANON. OR DONT, AND BE OK WITH SAYING YOU DONT K N O W THE CANON

you don’t HAVE to know it but YOU CANT PRETEND TO BE INFORMED THEN

don’t call a story bad that you haven’t read yet, don’t label a character as shallow if you’ve never explored them!

i’m kinda a “know the rules to break the rules” person when it comes to fandom spaces, but i digress, and i re state that if the canon doesn’t interest you that’s fine. ITS FINE. IM FAMILIAR WITH MOST OF THE CANON STORIES (to me knowledge😏😏) AND SOMETIMES I CHOOSE TO MAKE THE CHARACTERS FANONIZED BCS ITS F U N

THATS NORMAL.

but i hope that someday i’ll see more respect for the place original works will always have even amongst all of the fun and PERFECTLY VALID fanon content 😁 like the canon creators making that media is the reason we have the characters, it’s a peeve when people try to “do it better” instead of just “have fun with a new interpretation ” (this happens with character designs and art a lot as well)

hating on fanon content is cringe

being disrespectful to canon content is also cringe

and the MOST CRINGE THING I SEE SO OFTEN

is people who say they only respect the canon, or hate on and shit on fanon content, only to turn around and CLEARLY KNOW NOTHINGGGGG ABOUT THE ACTUAL CANON THEY ARE “SO AWARE OF”

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*screams so loud and dances seductively*

like yes good sir. mr nightmare sans from dreamtale WAS essentially possessed by a corrupted human man.

yes good sir. this is on more then just a wiki this is actually canon

this is canon. it’s an integral part to their entire story. i will literally write it all out for you if you so desire, but instead your gonna try to ridicule this random person in your comments mentioning it

unless it gets changed in the future that is an example of a canon truth, it’s fine to not know, BUT DONT. PRETEND YOU KNOW.

like i know not everyone has done lore digging but pls i can tell you’ve based your “canon take” off of tht one shitty stolen art dreamtale video we’ve all seen (pls for the love of god if you know what i’m referring to don’t use that as an up to date canon source i’ll cry so hard) just go ahead and say you don’t know the whole canon

jus accept your interpretation will always be fanon ALSO (again which is fine???) unless you KNOW a general amount of knowledge about the canon!?!???!!? it’s not that DEEP EUEUEUEU

again that’s just a minor example of this happening so often everywhereeee😫😫

someone will critique and hate and call a narrative 100% trash and then turn and say it’s “not their thing so they never read it”

OK? THEN DONT TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVENT READ

you can choose to like or dislike smth sure but don’t be so convinced you know something you’ve never looked at. don’t think you can judge an entire book off of the cover just say whether or not you liked the cover

how would you feel if your favorite movie in the world , the one you have so many intense deep feelings and thoughts on, was trashed and hated on by some critic who watched the first five mins???? and then they went off on you abt how ass your take is on this movie you’ve completed and they haven’t given a second thought? they are gonna tell YOU what you aren’t and are allowed to get out of the movie??? HUH???

anyways. seeing that post ate at my guts bcs it was so mean to the other person and outlandishly WILD in so many ways and i’m not specifying who or why bcs that would be immature and dramatic imo

IF YOU READ THIS, 1. WHY, 2. LOOK AWAY FROK YOUR DEVICE FOR A SECOND AND REMEMBER THAT THIS ISUNIMPORTANT and just some rando fandom mutt who’s crying about hate culture and it’s not that deep at the end of the day :)))

drink water and remember it’s ok to not know things and that it’s not bad to ACKNOWLEDGE THAT😭

also don’t let haters talk down to you fandom is for fun and RESPECT that is all GOOD DAY 🫡🩷🩷💞💞✨✨💜💥💜💜💥💥💥💫🙂‍↕️

#AA A A A A #rant #stupid silly rant #angy speed typed rant #pls don’t make this a drama thing it’s just boiling in my guts #HHNNAAAA :)))#i adore and appreciate canon so so much and i’m always sad at how few people pay it any sort of attention #i view canon as a playground for world building and character personalities #and fanon would be the expansions you take from there #that said lots of fanon content is AMAZING and i also love it #i do hope the canons become more common knowledge someday tho🥲#then we wouldn’t have so many arguments and misunderstandings hee hoo #my fave content is ones that acknowledge canon and expand from there #but that’s irrelevant to this rant BSKSBDODJ

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dancingundermoonlight101 · 3 days

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The times I've thought about you have been plenty. It's a never-ending cycle, for you see, I am falure of a Prime.

Megatron, as you stand before me, blade stabbing through my spark, through the pain and sorrow, I can't help but feel relief. Relief that between the two of us, you are the one to remain alive. With the war over, you having won, I would like to make one final request of you old friend.

Don't kill my comrades.

No matter how much you hate them, what threat they may pose, I beg of you. Leave them alive. It pains me to say, but without me, they won't interfere much with your plans anymore. I can only hope you remember your roots. The kindness and hope for something better your spark held when I was but your archivist, and you, my warrior. It might be selfish to think this in my final moments. But I've always loved you, Megatron.

Perhaps in death, will these feelings finally meet their end.

I love you. I loved you. I never stopped loving you, even in my final moments. I hope to Primus we meet in our next lives and I hope again that it's a much kinder life. One without war or inequality or corruption. One where I can hold your servo in mine without shame. One where you are not Lord Megatron and I Optimus Prime. Leaders of the Decepticons and Autobots respectfully.

Until we meet again in the well of all sparks...

------

Megatron glared at the body of the deceased Prime. A dark pit in his spark. A black hole threatening to swallow all its light. He had thought it a good idea to have Shockwave and Soundwave make a machine that would make the last moments and thoughts of anybot visible and audible. He thought maybe he'd see the Prime's thoughts pleading him to not kill his comrades, as well as fear. Something to explain why Optimus in his final moments commed him ".: Spare them:."

Megatron didn't spare them, of course. He was frankly going to enjoy killing them one by one. But they had all escaped.

How bothersome.

He'd find them someday. He's sure of it. And just to spit in Optimus's last wish, he will torture them, too.

The Prime's face in his last moments echoed in his mind. He growled at the useless longing in his spark, squeezing a random object and breaking it.

He still couldn't believe it. Optimus Prime in love with his arch nemesis. How foolish. How stupid. Ridiculous!

Megatron clawed at the chesplates just over his spark. He could not cry, for his tears had run dry long ago. Foolish indeed. This is not what he thought he wanted. Ruling over Cybertron, having cyberformed earth into a second world for his species.. He had thought he wanted it. Now that he had it, Megatron found it empty. His ambitions were gone, no longer did he have a true equal in this whole galaxy.

None would ever be Optimus Prime.

No, he had to set things right. A world without Optimus is not a world Megatron can live with. Where's the fun in getting everything he wants without a little bit of a constant challenge?

. .

. . . .

Megatron, a true Decepticon, able to deceive even himself. Primus mused at this. Silly child, went on to kill his other half. This just won't do.

Their short story won't end like this. Primus will not allow it. He Who is Forever Tainted by Unicron, you will live life anew. You shall only know when the time is right, and your debt to Primus has been paid off of what they have done. Do not make the same choices that lead you to make your biggest regret. Make no mistake, this wish is not for you, but for he who is favored by me.

Make the child of Primus, he who was once Orion Pax and later one of Primus's true Primes enjoy a life worth living.

This is your one and only chance. Make it count.

. . . .

. .

M—

—atr–n

Meg-tron

"MEGATRON!"

Megatron woke up with a jolt. He tried to online his battle protocols, and they hummed loudly, ready to come out. But something stopped him. A servo, two, actually. Each cupped his cheeks and wiped away his tears. He turned to look at the bot whose servos they belonged to and found none other than Optimus Prime. "You're alive?"

Optimus looked bewildered for a moment, he could feel it through their bond. Bond? He felt affection, worry, and love from the Prime.

"I am very much alive, Megatron." Optimus leaned in to press their forehelms together. Megatron's servos easily reached to hold the Prime's waist as if they'd done so thousands of times. Maybe even more than that. "You must have had a nightmate."

"A nightmare.." It seemed so vivid. A world without Optimus, one where he had..

Megatron doesn't even want to think about it. His spark was still beating wildly in its chamber, and he recognized he still felt fear. A few well placed kisses from his bondmate further eased his worries and sorrow that still felt fresh in his processor and spark. Right. He and Optimus were Conjuxed now. Megatron greedily leaned into the kiss, but one small playful bap from his beloved made him huff and smile. Softening the kiss that would have become more desperate had it continued.

Megatron held Optimus for a long moment. His helm burrowed on the Prime's neck, the action mirrored by his other half. Small comforting kisses are being pressed on Megatron's neck along with quiet words of love. Primus, Optimus was a soft fool. But he was Megatron's soft fool.

They had layed back down at one point, still as close to one another as they could be. And they remained like that. Optimus having fallen asleep again at one point.

Megatron knew Optimus was a blessing, he just hadn't realized how much of one he was until he had that dream. No. The fragmented memories of his past life. Megatron had never seen them before, and even now they were hazy. But the feelings had persisted and carried over. He realized this now. It was thanks to them he reacted rather irrationally at many points in this life, but his longing for Optimus to be by his side remained the same. It had just taken a much, much more romantic turn than his other self would have thought.

Megatron had no regrets though. None at all. As he pressed a soft kiss on Optimus's audial, he smiled soft. "I love you." He wispered. He had said it so many times already, yet somehow this felt like the first.

#megop #optimus prime #transformers #megatron #megatron x optimus prime #transformers prime #megatronus #angst #optimus x megatron #orion pax #it's actually fluff!!#ignore the Megatron killing Optimus bit lol #they are husbands #:3

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tokkiwrites · 3 hours

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FAWN HEART, PART ONE : The night's desire.

dark!joel miller x f!reader

summary: After a few months of being together, you move in with your boyfriend, 'Adam'. His landlord, Joel Miller, takes a special liking to you.

tags: stalking, spying, mention of abuse, mention of blood, violence, age gap, vulnerable reader, stalker joel, mentions of abusive relationship, pet names, she/her pronouns (let me know if i missed anything.)

ㅤ↪ㅤtokki's ۫ 𐑺 𝚜𝚞ׂ𝚐𝚊𝚛 ࣭ note ˑ ⌕ ࣭ ּ ➭ staring my first series ever !! of course, I will continue it only if this first part does well ( so no spice for now!! ). for now, we're starting off a bit mild, & I'm leaning more on the double storylines . this is short with only 1.5k words, but it's a little gift since i was gone for so long. sorry if it sucks! remember, requests are opened, and your feedback matters the most to me 🐰

【commencing】 : a heart as soft as the embrace of spring. She welcomed everyone with open arms, seeing the best in people, and never turned anyone away, no matter the pain. Her kindness boundlessㅡ she gave without expecting anything in return. But this gentle nature often left her defenseless. she continued to believe in the goodness of others, her fawn heart resilient and unwavering, oblivious to those trampling on it. her fawn heart, her weakness.

「may 04th ㅡ O2:08 AM」

he didn't know her. didn't deserve her. the nerve he had saying he loved her when he doesn't know what love is...he doesn't know what kind of love she needed.

so when he left for work every night, her true love would sneak in. Joel wasn't the romantic type, but for her, he'd do it all. he'd sit there, watching her sleep, staring as her soft lips puffed out when she took her shallow breaths as she slept - how her lashes laid so perfectly onto her cheeks.. that's all he could do - stare. no touching. It killed him. how that asshole could do all that he pleased to her and how she would accept almost nothing in return.

she was sweet. bitterly. her soft, gaze a testament to the trials she's been through. she could've had so much more, yet she chose this moron. Joel couldn't understand why? not just why she chose that - but why everything when it came to her. why? everything about her, she was an enigma. when Joel first set eyes on her, that's all he could think of. why? and how? how could he have lived so long without his angel by his side.

that was 6 months ago. Tonight, it's a little less cold outside- its may, and the summer smell fills the air, as branches sway next to the window in a tireless dance. cars sound in the distance, as late night chatter of the streets fill Joel's ears and her scent his nose. drowning - suffocating him in the anticipation that maybe for one night he'd have her. he never wanted to scare her - to hurt her. she's precious, a porcelain statuette he had to have. Joel was adamant. kissing her only with his gaze, he got up only as the moon kissed the sun goodbye, and the chickadees started their long-awaited song.

「june17th ㅡ O8:42 PM」

late again. he's always late, letting her wait with no sign for hours. it was his birthday, not that Joel cared, but the thin walls provided him with utmost soundㅡ any and all sounds.

she was crying, and he didn't want to budge in making it weird for her, but his heart twisted when he knew she wasted tears on a shit-head like Adam.

but he let his heart get the best of him, and maybe, just maybe, this was the moment when he let his heart dictate, and she finally realizes that she's better than that. better than Adam. Better for Joel. He makes his way to the apartment next door, thinking if he should be honest with her or make up a lame excuse like late payment on utilities or donations for a new front door. He knocked twice, his palms sweaty. This girl made him feel all giddy like a teenager again, heart racing, his dreams full of her. The door cracks open, revealing just half of her red, puffy face with make-up pushed around.

"Y-yesㅡ"

"Hey, there, Iㅡ is everything alright, fawn darling?" his eyes furrow, a weight settling down in his stomach. he couldn't stand seeing her like this. her eyes finally reach his, a glint of gratitude glimmering within them. "hi, Mr.Miller. I'm fine justㅡ" she sighs. "Adam bailed on me.. again!" she tries to laugh it off, wave it as a joke, but the pain in her spirit is apparent. "Sorry if i was, you know... crying too loud. I'll keep it down -"

"fawn...darlin', you know-" Joel's gaze softened "you know you can always come to me if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. As corny as that sounds, 'm all here for ya." looking down at her, he dares not break eye contact.

"Thank you, Mr.Miller.."

"I told you to call me Joel, didn't I?" he tsks, straightening his back. "I feel too old when you call me mister.." Joel admits, in a playful manner. "Got it. Joel." How it rolls off her tongue like honey. how he wants to lick off every drop and indulge into her like the powerful drug she is, so deeply coursing through his being, wishing he'd hear her scream his name underneath him one day. "Right, so- if you ever want anythin'.." he scratches his rough beard. "I'm one door away."

"Thank you, Joel." she steps out barefoot, throwing herself into Joel's arms, hugging him whilst her sweet perfume envelopes them both. Joel breathes inㅡ so close. At last, the hug is broken, and she scurries back inside, leaving Joel stuck in his fantasy.

"My sweet fawn."

「july 3rd ㅡ OO:35 AM」

"Why so hostile, little bird? I thought you liked it when i touched you like this.. a little rough." he rasped, voice scratching at her chest like a knife. "Adam, you're drunk. let's justㅡ get inside." she manages to huff out as her palms lay flat on Adam's chest, pushing him away. "Baby- c'mon, be a doll."

"stop, Adamㅡ stop!" you could hear the frustration in her voice, and the tears that were brimming at the corners of her eyes, threatening to fall.

he couldn't just stand there and witness this. he'd regret it forever, unquestionably. " 's everything alright here?" Joel tries to play it cool. He doesn't want to let off too muc. Hee doesn't want it to escalateㅡ for her to get hurt.

" Mr.Millerㅡ"

"Yeah, none of your business, man. Just leave, okay?" Adam scoffs, staring down the hallway where he heard Joel's voice, thinking to himself,'what this old geezer was doing up so late'. "careful, boy. don't want ya to hurt your pretty lady, ok? just makin' sure everything is -"

"yeah, i fucking said everything is alright, so mind your fucking business, dude!" he spat "Jesus, man." Joel does nothing but smile. Does this Adam guy know what he has gotten himself into? Surely not.

He stretches his neck, making it crack as he takes one step closer to where the couple was. By this time, she was already starting to panic, soft pleads leaving her mouth as that jerk held onto her frame, shaking it up whilst he threw rude remarks towards Joel.

"Let go of her, boy."

"Fuck outta here, old ass. Don't make me come to you, I'm not nice when I'm drunk."

"Oh, I know." Joel promptly comes closer so that only a part of his face is visible by the light of the moon shining through the large window.

"Adam, let's just -"

"Quiet, bitch!" With a swift turn, Adam managed to deliver a harsh backhanded slap to her head, the pounding pain sending her a few steps back, right into the wall. "See, if you weren't here I would've gotten some pussy tonight. But you had to show up." Adam laughs, shaking his hand to recover from the hit. "You a knight in shining armor, or what?"

"You apologize to her, before I rip your fucking legs off and shove them up your sorry ass." Joel was calm. he tried his hardest to not run towards her, embrace her in his tight armsㅡ but he had other plans for now.

"Spare me the threats, old man. one wrong move, and your whole body dislocates." Adam laughs hungrily, shoving joel. or at least attempting. " I don't even know why you care so much. This bitch was onto me the whole night, but when its time to finally get the dick she shys away." he raises his arm again, oblivious to the knife Joel had aimed straight to his jugular, all this time, impatiently thirsting over the thought of Adam's blood gushing onto him. At first Adam is confused, but as he catches a glimpse of Joel's dark grin in the moonlight he finally realizes― he'd been stabbed.

with one palm over his mouth, joel grabs Adam closer, the knife slitting further into his flesh, now reaching his ear.

"You gotta know how to respect your elders, boy." Joel sucks a sharp breath through his teeth, staring deep into Adams eyes as he retracts the knife and promptly shoves it right between his eyes, with enough force that you could hear a faint 'crunch' sound. "ㅡand your lady." In a failed attempt to reach for the girl that was frozen in place, Adams pathetically tries to grab onto her dress as he collapses to the ground.

everything is silent for a moment.

So she stood there, watching as the blood from the splayed body pooled at her feet, the only sounds bouncing off the walls that bathed in darkness were her short breaths and slow steps approaching to where she practically turned to stone.

"'s alright, baby fawn . he can't hurt you no more. i promise."

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal smut #joel miller smut #joel miller x reader #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel x reader #dark!joel miller #dark!joel x reader

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science-lings · 2 days

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Elaborations under the cut

1- based off of the official art where half the time he's drinking he's just passed out or he's just smiling at nothing. I can see him becoming a functioning alcoholic who drinks mostly because it helps him sleep but I don't think he would want to be that vulnerable in his daily life, especially when hanging out with Kristoph.

2- He was just as spikey as a baby, but also the style seems intentional rather than just how it grows.

3- PW vs PL reference? idk the vibe that in an alternate timeline where he forgets that he's a lawyer he becomes a baker with Maya is just fun so I think he just likes baking in general. Also, I'm a sucker for those AUs where he's a baker. He seems like the type to get stuck in his head while kneading bread dough and regularly makes those kinds of breads that have to basically be beat up to get his anger out. No therapy, only bread.

4- This feels self-explanatory, he can also dance, at least in the way that he can pick up choreography and bullshit his way through any performance. I also think it would be sweet if he sang lullabies to Trucy while she was growing up.

5- There are multiple instances where he passes out from stress and his internal dialogue mentions that he's 'feeling lightheaded' like GIRL... GO TO THE DOCTOR. And he did but that meant that he can't drive in case he gets too stressed driving and passes out... which would not be good.

6- Again, self-explanatory, this man has an abnormal brain, good for him.

7- I don't exactly know what he has tattooed on him but I can see this guy, who is unaffected by pain and also an art major, having a few designs on him. Maybe a dragon winding around his shoulder or a few little silly things on his legs and arms. He doesn't really flaunt them and everyone gets surprised when its the combined prosecutors office and WAA beach day.

8- The magatama should make him look a little spooky, I think it would be fun. Also, I think he should use it to jumpscare anyone who is around while he is sneaking into his kitchen to eat baby carrots when he wants a midnight snack.

9- I've spoken about this before and I will probably do so again, I just think he needs an awful cat as a pet project when Trucy moves out and he gets lonely. It's a better outlet than trying to fix a person who might fake their death or try to poison him.

10- You cannot tell me that undefeated poker player extraordinaire isn't completely in control of his tells as much as he possibly can be. He can dodge questions and provide perfectly true but vague answers. I just think he can be so incredibly cagey and secretive when he has to be, even though he's typically pretty emotionally open. He learned it from Mia (Ms. 'didn't tell Phoenix she had a sister even though they've known each other for years' Fey)

#lmk if you want me to do this for other characters #i just had to start with the guy of all time #andromedas poll hell #ace attorney #phoenix wright

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tunakat · 1 year

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im feeling so many ways abt late a5a2 homestuck (i just finished it actually) but the sufferer hit way different.

homestuck late a5a2 spoilers incoming!!!

adding this after writing way too much shit that im not fucking deleting: vent cw too

ok so my main thing that made me feel something (a rarity, like almost unheard of /gen /srs) was the signless' story. something about it just envoked feelings within me, i dont even know how to describe them

something about this fucking frame just made me feel... idk what. dread? pity? genuinely idk. obviously its not the whole "ouuuu tied up so hawttt" bullshit, idk i think the story combined with the music and imagery just made it to the farthest pits of my soul, and this point was the breaking/overwhelming point.

i almost want to sit thru all of it again just to try and figure it out. i want to feel that again to understand it. obviously if i read it again i wont feel anything cuz thoughts, emotions, and feelings are a rare experience for me.

i feel like the story felt like a metaphor for my life, not to get all emo and dark and edgy or whatever about it, im being completely level-headed and genuine with this.

fuck thats what it feels like's happening inside of me. i feel my compassion and love for others depleting, as its been for years, with the cards ive been dealt (not getting into that right now). ive been conscious of an eternal rage slowly growing inside of me, and these past few years i feel like the ratio of compassion vs. rage within me is leaning in a way that im just barely able to see how bad and scary it is. ive been subjected to a life of suffering in almost every place i could imagine, yet i always tried to stay a loving, caring person for the few individuals who bring about some light in this darkness.

yet i can see it happening before my very eyes. i see i am no longer who i once was, im worse, im violent and enraged all the time and its getting worse and harder contain with every passing day. its scary being able to watch yourself rot away into a bottomless pot of boiling rage.

torture and execution has always been the metephor ive used when describing how i live and feel inside. i think to see something so deep within me and something so relatable in front of me, written and drawn out as a story, i think that broke me.

#homestuck spoilers #cw vent #the signless #homestuck #this comic is the only thing thats made me feel something like this #it kinda makes me feel.. less lonely and like im not the only one whos lived like this.#kinda fucking wild how its the mutant bloods who i relate to the most #its almost like i am them in a way. perhaps my creation triggered a reaction throughout the universe to have them created #like i was their inspiration or theyre based off me #i know its not true but it makes me feel better #idk how i feel #i learned feelings the way an AI learns how people talk #or how they act etc. so like all these complex things are impossible for me to compute #ive written too much my hand really hurts cuz the whole possible fractured wrist thing or whatever. bye #no fucking way im leaving this in the queue or drafts #this is being posted publicly so everyone can see my fucking stupid fucking meltdowns #i really need to stop writing so much self deprecating and self exposing and self discovery bullshit #is that even what this is??? i dont fucking know anymore i cant stop typing fuck #nobody even reads any of my rants or tags or vents or whatever anyways. not like im looking for help or pity #but fuck i dont even know what reason i write or post shit like this #nothing good will ever come out of it #god i hate myself more than anyone else #i guess its good im my biggest adversary. i keep close tabs on each and every move ive made in the past #and everything i may or may not do in my future #i just realized this sounds like im playing a character wtf is wrong with me am i really this fucking moronic?#this is genuinely such a pathetic depressing annoying piece of shit to read back but i still feel like i have to post it #fuck the tags are longer than the post this is so stupid #fuck

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genericpuff · 3 months

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vent post

#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once”#i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO #anxiety is a hell of a thing #and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever #i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up #and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken #but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship #i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it #i am cringe and i am free #self post #vent post #altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read #too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll #i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made #i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol #i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim #i think both things can be true #i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like #while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium #“perfectly balanced as all things should be”

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lemongogo · 5 months

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can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3

#smthing i have always struggled w.is feeling like i can only draw things that r handed 2 me.#as in.an idea or concept that already exists #chara or conflict that already exists.Scene that alr exists.#and i think it can be soo limiting bc when i have that sort of creative desire but nothing 2 reflect off of it #i feel like im unable to do anything/get anywhere bc im unable to do that mental legwork myself ykwim #like comic artists r SOOO JAW DROP INSPIRING TO MEE bc not only are u envisioning ur own sequences/situations #but u are able to imagine even the most MUNDANE interactions within those scenarios u know #like the transitory panels and the quiet moments and the every day stillness #and i feel like.its not even a poor attempt on my behalf its like.i cant Even attempt it.like my brain is soo empty #and soo static and noiseless that i am like gauhh......#i can practice lines all day long and practice colors and practice anatomy or Whatever bc its something concrete #and its in front of me and i can pry apart the physical technicalities until i understand it better #but my MIND???ABSTRACTION>? THOUGHTS .ough its so hard #and i really want to push past that but i dont know how and its so .. demoralizing to think that ill get there One Day but i feel #one million and two days away.and not making active process towards it.#i know the first step is to build ur visual library and i feel liek. idk i FEEL LIKEEE theres more 2 it that im missing #but also im depressed as hell n my job is killing my creative drive and the seasonal stuff isnt helping #so maybe i just need 2 give it time (true) but i also like.man i dont know. i want 2 do something w my hands #but everything ive been doing so far has felt soo .hard and fruitless and i definitely dont want 2 turn art into such a stressful thing #fruitless as in like.i dont get any personal satisfaction w it.idgaf abt monetization or algorithms or any of tht #but smtimes thats just what happens and i have 2 weather through and know ill be more equipped 4 this some other time #SAWRYYY IM ALWAYS GOING ON AND ONNN im nromal im normal<3 i just rly like art and it sucks balls whn it feels out of reach #sigh cry fart scroll.(:salute:)

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skunkes · 3 months

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the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....

every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....

#talkys #this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did #there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way #but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset...#i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish #i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above #in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good?#isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than...#i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish #and because im no better than anyone else #my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck #pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day #i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!!#and it is true....!#we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish #i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler.#*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim #i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....

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ganondoodle · 11 months

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me: coming to terms with my fanworks being really niche and not interesting to the majority of the fandom and maybe not the greatest in anything but decent enough to have a few people be interested and thats fine and good and i shouldnt feel bad about it and feel grateful for what i do have-

-sees other people getting into the same niche but with way cooler designs, ideas and writing, also way faster in making anything-

me: fuck fuck shit god damn fuck im gonna get bad grades at fanworks which is very real and possible to happen fucking hell oh gods no

#ganondoodles talks #not saying this as in everything i do sucks or i suck #bc i know that aint true #but i feel creatively stunted?#when i look at other peoples stuff #like damn why cant my brain come up with so diverse and interesting designs #and looking at the strucutre of destinys story its starting to feel like i have no idea of how to write anything worth reading #i wish i could train my brain to be more creative but it hasnt worked ever #im pretty conservative with my designs arent i #im sad #in the sense of damn i wish i could do stuff like that #im jealous but without any hatred directed at anyone #like its not their fault for being better if anyones at fault its me lol #also this is meant primarily as a joke #like ye im sad i cant think of cool stuff like that but im not depressed about it #if that makes sense

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skeletalheartattack · 5 months

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If you jouned a 7 sin thrmed group what sin qould you beee?

i'd be the brand new 8th sin: this thing

#ask #anon #answering seriously. uhhh between... lust. sloth. and envy.#had to ask a friend their thoughts and they said envy. their reason was ''boobs'' which. yknow what true.#but then i feel that also falls into lust but. beats me.#i do constantly yearn. yearning. for pretty men. wanting boobs. such and such.#but idk if yearning can be compared with envy.#plus those same points i feel also falls under lust. oh well.#i say sloth from a personal perspective but. i dont think thats a positive view to have for myself.#i think it ranges from person to person who talks to me and knows me.#hard to really select one of the seven sins for yourself i think. im not sure i can make that call. but its one of those three i feel.#also thats a greater hog badger. for reference sake.#absolute thing of the earth #anyway thank you for the ask anon. idk if i really answered your question. maybe the thing has a better answer.

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strawberrybabydog · 7 days

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realizing im a lesbian has genuinely been one of the most life-ruining things ive experienced so far :0(

i dont think i know any other lesbians

i am a baby dyke. who likes a baby dyke? apparently nobody. i dont seem to fit into ANY lesbian spaces because i'm green but how do i become not green without experience? apparently i need 10 years experience for an entry-level job :0(??

how... do i even find other lesbians irl? "gay bar" ok first off why would i ever go to a bar. also im pretty sure those dont exist where i live

do i love lesbians because i hate and am traumatized by men or do i love lesbians because im normal. only one answer actually makes me a lesbian

if im not lesbian what am i? :0( i dont want to Just be asexual, that doesnt Mean anything

lesbians are fucking scary. i used to follow 10 sapphic-centric blogs but.... theyre always talking about how horrible/annoying other lesbians are over discourse ive never heard of, meaning, im probably participating in it without knowing

oh yeah. that too. i know nothing about lesbians. and being a lesbian. apparently when you're a lesbian you have to know every single piece of sapphic literature and every lesbian of history or you're bad and stupid and dont deserve to be talked to

it really feels like being hetero is free and easy, like you dont have to think about it you just Love Someone, but being queer is hard and energy-consuming and you have no choice but to dedicate the rest of your life to learning and knowing every single piece of sapphic-centered discourse. it seems like being a lesbian has more to do with knowing facts about historic lesbianism than it has to do with loving another lesbian and i'm sooooo not interested in being queer for the sake of discourse i just want to kiss a lady or whatever but thats not allowed until i pass my lesbian exam that every other lesbian passed 20 years ago

idk. maybe all of this confusion means im not a lesbian. i think if i really was sapphic i'd know the answers to this stuff already, researching would be easy and enjoyable..... but the master lesbian google doc..... idk... it seems like being sapphic requires more than just "Girls Kinda Pretty" and that is awful to me. i dont want to spend 4 years in lesbian university studying lesbianism just to get my lesbian degree so i can kiss a girl. i want to just kiss a girl Now why do i need a masters degree?? why do i have to study and earn and prove my place in a society where i thought the bottom line was Kiss Girls And Chill

"community history is important" i agree but why do i need to know all of this shit First, Before i am a lesbian. why cant i kiss ladies and research at the same time. idfk. idk anymore. i just want to love my gf. why am i 22 trying to figure out my sexuality when everyone i know did it when we were 14, how is that fair to me?? im sorry for being a late bloomer i dont know what you want from me

#i think to other lesbians im always going to be That Bisexual who only dates men but never shuts up about loving women #but its deeper than that. those were longterm relationships. nobody i know irl was ever queer in a way where we could have a relationship #i dont know if im a lesbian but i know how nervous i get around a hot butch or a hot femme #i dont know if im a lesbian but i can describe to you every butch ive ever had a crush on #i dont know if im a lesbian but i think in grade 3 i was trying to impress that pretty girl for reasons beyond wanting to be friends #i dont know if im a lesbian but i am head over heels in love with my gf #i dont know i just dont know anymore i feel like a failure #everyone else had their sexyality figured out at 14 and im 22 #i hated going to the gaystraight alliance at my high school because they would buly me for not being gay enough when the teacher wasnt there #maybe its true maybe they knew better than me that im faking it or something #but on more than one occassion in hs i had classmates beefing about my sexuality i wish i was making this up #ive been told i have a lesbian voice i have lesbian vibes but i dont know if thats true especially if my actual queer friends didnt see it #i feel like im failing myself and every queer person ever i feel like every other lesbian just hates me so much and im so sorry #not dog #personal #big feelings

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