#i said i am a homosexual having a panic attack | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mulletmitsuya · 6 months

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Toman Groupchat

Warnings: swearing, the topic of sex is brought up a lot, mentions of the r word (i don't actually say it i just say "r word"), gayness, mentions of depression, mentions of suicide, teenage boys. also snuck in a lot of personal headcanons so that might not be your thing

Desc: Mikey lost his V-card

Mikey: just had the sex

Mikey: it's not all that, tbh

Mikey: i didn't like it

Mikey: i was quite indifferent to the situation actually

Mitsuya: that's great 👍

Smiley: you're the last one to lose your v-card and you come back with a report like this?😒

Smiley: we want details

Draken: whose we?

Mitsuya: no we don't

Chifuyu: it must have been difficult tackling the whole issue with you being 5'3 and all

Mikey: you're an inch taller than me😐

Chifuyu: "taller" being the key word

Baji: what didn't you like about the sex?

Baji: i think sex is great

Kazutora: i think it's super nice until you get in over your head and freak out about your performance so you end up having a panic attack and she just leaves

Smiley: LMAOOOOOO

Draken: that's actually kinda sad, you good?

Kazutora: no? i'll never emotionally recover. never again

Baji: maybe it should be with someone you trust and have been friends with for a number of years. maybe even your best friend who would do anything for you. that's just my opinion tho

Draken: just tell him ffs. anything but this

Kazutora: i have no girl friends?? the only women i know who're affiliated with this friendgroup are hina (taken), emma (mikey's sister and also taken), and yuzuha (gay)

Baji: why does it have to be a girl

Mikey: bro

Hakkai: 💀

Smiley: mention homosexuality once and here Hakkai comes

Hakkai: 😐

Kazutora: Baji i know you're gay and i support your lgbtq+ lifestyle but i'm not into dicks like you are man

Baji: what about assholes

Mitsuya: what's the point of this, like just ask him out atp

Mikey: you'd let KAZUTORA top???? insane

Kazutora: what's wrong with me topping? also who am i topping??

Smiley: well you're a twink so you're obviously a bottom

Chifuyu: Kazutora are you actually just gonna ignore what everyone else is saying

Kazutora: aren't you guys talking to Baji?

Draken: are you stupid or what

Kazutora: i'm really confused rn can we just to back to talking about Mikey

Mikey: yes actually. i've decided that i don't like sex and won't be doing it again

Chifuyu: bad day for Takemitchy

Takemitchy: what?

Chifuyu: well since you ride his dick so much

Takemitchy: HUH

Takemitchy: i've never done that with Mikey-kun tho??? i'm with Hina? also I'm straight so I don't understand what you mean by that 😥

Chifuyu: i don't actually mean-

Chifuyu: nvm

Baji: are we allowed to call people the r word anymore

Angry: no it's a slur

Baji: you're probably mad because people said it to you huh? lmao

Angry: yes

Baji: oh

Smiley: i didn't even mean it Angry it was just that one time

Angry: several, one times. but okay

Angry: i still love you

Smiley: can you not say that in front of our friends like idk what to do rn cause i can't say it back so it looks embarssing for you

Angry: 😕

Smiley: ...

Angry: ☹️

Smiley: i love you too

Angry: thank you

Chifuyu: very rare Smiley human decency moment

Draken: you guys are such weird siblings but that was great to watch. character development in a matter of seconds

Smiley: you should all kill yourselves

Mikey: man i really want to

Mikey: that was a literal joke before you guys get weird

Draken: you've actively tried to kill yourself tho

Mikey: yeah but like i won't do it anymore

Baji: we must just, believe you?

Mikey: i know that's hard to do because i lie all the time but yes

Draken: not a convincing argument but nice try

Mitsuya: terrible try actually. Mikey should we be worried?

Mikey: miss me with that gay shit, i'm fine

Mitsuya: i hate you guys so much

Draken: not me tho cause i'm your og

Mitsuya: 😐

Mitsuya: yeah i guess

Draken: 🤞

Draken: i'm gonna go out with my girlfriend now

Draken: also Mikey you're probably asexual. or you haven't found the right one to do it with yet idk

Mikey: what's asexual

Draken: google it

Mikey: Ken-chin c'mon i'm having a crisis rn

Draken: basically low or very little sexual attraction to others

Draken: there's a whole spectrum to it tho so you should probably do some research because that was an extremely watered down explanation

Draken: i'm ace too if that helps

Baji: Emma's a whole ass slut so how does she deal with that

Smiley: imagine bagging Ryuguji Ken with his sexy ass and he doesn't wanna smash. tragic

Draken: first of all, Baji i'll fucking kill you, never say that about Emma again

Draken: and fuck you Smiley

Angry: are you traumatized because of living in a sex orientated/obsessed environment so you eventually began to detest any affiliation with the act?

Draken: yes actually

Angry: i see

Mikey: i just don't like it. i'm not traumatized like Ken-chin :(

Draken: it's whatever

Baji: calm down i didn't call Emma a slut as an insult i just mean it as a describing word because she likes fucking

Baji: i've known her longer than you and she's been fucking since she knew what the thing was

Mikey: i probably should have addressed that as an older brother or something

Mikey: yk, cause i take care of my family

Baji: now she takes care of you with your chronically depressed ass

Mikey: 😒

Kazutora: is Emma also traumatized? like the opposite of Draken?

Mikey: wait should i ask?? her mom did abandon her and she did grow up without a father figure so like maybe i should talk to her

Smiley: you didn't have to dish out her problems like that 💀

Baji: she's got the Sano slut genes because wasn't Shinichiro falling in love with different people everyday? then your dad was impregnating people all the time. skipped Mikey tho

Draken: not everything is trauma related. also Emma just likes sex. it's not a huge deal breaker and if it was she would tell me and we'd talk about it

Mikey: what about having kids?

Draken: stop asking me this shit we'll do that when we're ready

Smiley: it's crazy how Draken is one of the healthiest people here. always reacting sensibly to situations and dealing with his trauma normally. he's such a good guy. hate him

Draken: love you too

Mikey: did he deal with it all that healthily if he beats people to a pulp most of the time

Draken: i stopped doing that

Baji: why though, you were an actual unit

Baji: wasted talent. i still beat people up

Draken: Emma said to

Mikey: fair

Smiley: Mitsuya could be on Draken's level too but something went wrong along the way cause he's a boy liker

Mitsuya: 🖕

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sapphyreopal5 · 2 months

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I’ve noticed a lot of the fandom attacking Jensen all because a character on the show 9-1-1 was revealed to be bisexual and people are saying that’s Jensen’s a coward and a homophobe which I don’t believe because he was willing to do a sex scene with Tony Starr before they changed the storyline, but Jensen’s homophobic because he didn’t want his canonically straight character to kiss Mr. Chapped Lips? How does that make sense? I was just curious if you had an opinion about this

Hello Anon, thank you for the ask :) Mr. Chapped Lips, HA love it! People have been calling Jensen homophobic for years now unfortunately. This clip from Asylum 3 back in 2009 shows him saying "You know, I would say yes, but then Brokeback Mountain came out, and my desire to do a cowboy film completely tanked" when someone asked if he'd like to do a cowboy movie. In 2013, he also essentially stated in this clip he's going to pretend he doesn't know what the question was when someone was asking a question (partially asked, mind you) starting with "I love your character becoming more comfortable with himself this season. I'm bisexual and I have noticed some possible subtext that you might be..." to which he started off with saying "I'm thoroughly confused" and essentially shoos off the question... It is possible this Jensen receipts Twitter account is a Destiel account (seems to me it is) but the clips do show what was said at different conventions to show you why people believe Jensen Ackles is homophobic.

Of course, us logical people who DID watch the show know it is NOT canon for Dean to be homosexual at all. Why Misha calls it a love confession, pandering to the loud members of the Destiel shippers crowd is 'cause $$$ I found the above GIFs from this post here but thought I'd have the GIFs on here for VISUAL purposes, so these people can have a direct point of reference staring them right in the face. The episodes in question that post mentions where Dean specifically says he's straight in his own quirky ways are Croatoan (Season 2, Episode 9), Jus in Bello (Season 3, Episode 12), and Live Free or Twihard (Season 6, Episode 5). Of course, I don't agree with the original poster this was merely because he was "in danger" and stressed out from it. He likely went with the gay couple scenario with Sam in Bugs (Season 1, Episode 8) as to not "cause waves" with potentially buying a house keep attention elsewhere as far as not looking suspicious with investigating.

As far as the said scene he was going to do with Antony Starr prior to the changing of the story line, I am assuming it is this you're talking about that is in the original comics. I see the show changed it so that Homelander is in fact Soldier Boy's son, which makes sense as to why he refused to do the scene. Instead, we got the "Herogasm" episode in season 3. Now as for why the script changed from the original comics to this episode, I don't know.

My overall opinion is, Jensen is probably tired of people talking about Destiel. It's not canon to the show period. Also, do people realize what phobes are? Genuine yet extreme fears. It is one thing to not like something or to have prejudices or discriminate against something, but it's another to fear it. To differentiate between these things, I am linking this website here and also copy and pasted the chart included in it for visual references. To discriminate is to deny rights, privileges and opportunities to members of a particular group. To have prejudice against something is to have an unfair and unreasonable feeling or opinion of something often formed without enough knowledge or thought. Having a phobia means to have an extreme, irrational, fear of something that may cause a person to panic and is described as being a type of anxiety disorder. Now, does Jensen actively fear or straight up avoid gay people or Destiel fans? No. He has still signed things or taken photographs with Destiel fans over the years, despite saying Destiel doesn't exist multiple times. Maybe not with the biggest smile in the world about it but he has not denied taking photos with any of them or complained hardcore about it.

I said in another post it's possible Jensen is not straight but is bi leaning more towards women. However, I do not believe he will act upon this as far as being in a relationship with anyone who isn't a woman (despite the fact he's still currently married to Elta). As far as a recent clip I saw floating around somewhere that a Destiel fan was told they couldn't ask their question about Destiel (despite Misha saying they can ask), I say that this causes unnecessary controversy and that Creation wants to keep things pleasant for everyone. Destiel fans are straight up too aggressive and pushy about making their ship canon and reality for several years now, despite Jensen and others saying no it isn't. If Jensen were to kiss any man, it honestly would not be Misha. Sorry not sorry here...

Thanks for the ask Anon.

#anti destiel #anti hellers #anti jensen hate

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buckttommy · 13 days

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Remember that spec you dropped at the start of the season about Buck or Eddie hurting each other viscerally….*chuckles nervously* I don’t think we are at the circus anymore.

I'M NEVER WRONG !!!!!!! Okay, I mean, sometimes I am. BUT NOT ABOUT THIS!!!!! The writing has been on the wall for Buddie to have a big "in your face" throwdown for seasons. Considering everything Ryan has said, it kind of makes me think of the time-skip between 4x14 / 5x01. Eddie was back to business as usual and supposedly everything was supposed... but then the panic attacks started. So I wonder if Buck and Eddie are going to snip and bite at each other only to "smooth things over" by the end of the season. But then when Season 8 starts, there's this tension between them? They're still technically okay, still technically on speaking terms. But something is boiling between them. And then, of course, this will eventually come to a head at the end of Season 8 when Tommy moves to Arizona and asks Buck to come with him, only for Buck to decline, leading to an amicable breakup just in time for Eddie to realize he's a homosexual

#jack answers mail

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the-poetic-mothman · 6 months

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Is This Really Okay

TW:

Mention of sex, internalized homophobia, panic attack

AN: this is my fic. i post mainly on AO3 but i decided to put this here. i personally headcannon Graves as Catholic, and this happens in the universe where he doesn’t betray Los Vaqueros and TF141. and before anyone says anything: yes i know all catholics are homophobic, Graves is the southern breed.

AO3 link

Phillip felt himself wake up with a pounding headache, and his ass and upper legs hurting, he didn’t bother to open his eyes because the hangover would most likely get worse. He heard someone breathing next to him, it wasn’t like in a dorm or hotel when he had to share a room with someone else. Phillip was almost immediately on guard.

That was until he realized the scent of whomever was next to him was familiar. They smelled of cigars, whiskey, and cheap cologne. It was the Captain of one of General Shepherd’s task forces, the 141, John Price.

Memories of the night before flooded back. Him and Price had had drunken sex? Phillip felt like he had been hit by a truck. He was Catholic, and a good one. He had known since he was young that homosexuality was a sin and if he ever indulged in the urges he had felt for years, he would go to Hell. He started to shake and his heart seemed to be pounding out of his chest. He was going to go to Hell. It felt like he couldn’t breathe because someone was smothering him. He clutched the rosary around his neck and tried his best to clear his head enough to pray.

“Graves?” A familiar voice broke through his panic, “Graves! Look at me.”

Phillip couldn’t. He was going to go to Hell because he indulged his homosexual urges. He was going to Hell. He was going to Hell. He was—

“Phillip.” Price was sitting on his lap and holding Phillip’s hands away from his face. Phillip met his eyes, they were filled with nothing but kindness. He put one of Phillip’s hands flat on his chest. “Breathe with me Phil.”

Phillip could feel his heart beating, it was calm. He took a deep breath and Phillip mimicked him. After a few minutes, Phillip’s panic attack was over, he felt drained.

“There you go,” Price said as he got off of Phillip’s lap. “Do you want to talk about why you just had a panic attack, Phillip?”

“I’m going to go to Hell…” Phillip’s voice lacked all of the confidence it normally was full of and it was all wobbly.

“Why do you say that?” Price asked as he picked up Phillip’s clothes from the night before from where they littered the ground.

“Because being gay and acting on your feelings is a sin.” He replied.

“I knew a guy who believed that as well,” He sat down by Phillip’s feet and put his hand on his shin, “He’s happily dating another man now.”

“But—” Phillip started to argue, but Price raised a hand.

“Phillip, you aren’t going to go to hell for sleeping with a man one time.” He said, “If you aren’t gay I understand and I’m sorry for taking advantage of you in our drunken states.”

“I am gay but I have to marry a woman you don’t understand Price!” He shot back.

“You don’t.” Price countered, “You don’t have to marry a woman if that isn’t what you want. This is your life, and from my experience as an ex-Christian, God shouldn’t give a shit about who you like because he doesn’t make mistakes.”

“What?” Phillip asked.

“Your God doesn’t make mistakes, and if you believe that he made you and he made the mistake of placing feelings for men in you,” He paused as if to get the right words, “Then I disagree, He made roughly twenty percent of the world fall into the LGBTQ+ category.”

Phillip couldn’t think of anything to counter this point. He pulled his knees into his chest, everything he had been raised to believe was wrong. He looked at all of the thin scars on his wrists from himself cutting himself whenever he had feelings for a man that was anything other than brotherly. He was spiraling while questioning everything he knew about himself when he felt a gentle touch on his cheek, it was calloused but it was still sweet enough.

“Come back to me Phillip,” It was Price, he had a cup of warm tea in his hand, “Do you have a hangover or pain in your lower regions?”

“Yeah,” He said, his voice was hoarse, more than he thought it should be, “Both.”

“That’s normal for what happened last night,” Price said as he handed him the cup of tea, then he opened a bottle of ibuprofen, it was half empty.

“Thanks,” Phillip shook out two pills and took them with the warm Earl Grey tea Price had brought him.

“I’m going to go take a shower, your clothes are in the washing machine,” He stood up, “I don’t have anything that would fit you so I assumed you’d want your clothes to be clean before you wear them again.”

Phillip just nodded, he felt his heart skip a beat as he realized that he was falling head over heels for Price. It wasn’t just from the sex the night before, but from how he actually was taking care of Phillip, and taking things into consideration. Hell, the man even pulled Phillip from a panic attack and from spiraling. If Phillip was going to go to hell for being gay, he wanted it to be for John Price.

He grabbed his phone and saw there were multiple texts, most from the Shadow Company group chat, and a few from his second in command, Emma Miller, was trying to figure out where he had gone the night before.

EMMA: Boss where are you?

EMMA: Hello?

EMMA: You’re almost always awake by now so are you just not using your phone due to a hangover?

EMMA: Just text me when you see this, the 141 soldiers are curious if you know where Price is.

PHILLIP: Captain Price*

PHILLIP: And yeah IK where he is

PHILLIP: He’s fine, that’s all they need to know for RN.

EMMA: But where are you? You didn’t come back to base last night after you disappeared.

PHILLIP: I’m safe where I am. I’ll be back soon.

EMMA: Fine.

Phillip put his phone down and leaned back against the headboard of Price’s bed. He heard the shower running in the room just off the side of his bedroom. It was mostly plain, a few military propaganda posters here and some 80’s band posters there. On his dresser, there was a clear case with his medals in it. Phillip took another sip of his tea, he had never been a tea drinker before, but Price made it in a way he enjoyed.

The shower shut off abruptly, John came out with a towel around his waist. His upper body was on full display. There were some marks on the base of his neck and down to his happy trail. Phillip felt his face heat up because he knew the marks were from himself.

“You like what you see?” Price asked as he grabbed some clothes with his back to Phillip. He felt his face heat up even more and he grabbed a pillow to throw at Price. Price turned around in time to get the pillow to the face. “What was that for?” He tried to sound malicious, but the smile on his face and in his voice said otherwise.

“You deserved it.” Phillip smiled.

“What did I do to deserve a pillow to the face?” Price raised an eyebrow as he pulled on some clothes.

“Technically I was aiming for your back but you stood up and I panicked,” He shrugged, “And I wanted to get back at you for the comment about me liking what I saw Price.”

“John,” He corrected.

“What?” Phillip’s mind drew a blank on why Price was telling him his first name.

“John.” He repeated, “When we’re alone, call me John, not Price.”

“Oh,” Phillip nodded, “Okay John.”

“Much better,” He smiled again. It reminded Phillip of an Australian marsupial named the quokka.

“You’re men are apparently wondering where you were according to my second.” Phillip said as Price—no, John—pulled a shirt on, it hugged his body in all the right places.

“They are?” He grabbed his phone but it didn’t turn on, it was dead.

“I didn’t tell my second where you were but that I knew you were safe. Then she asked me and I didn’t say anything,” He watched him plug in his phone, “I didn’t know if you were out to your men, and I didn’t want to be the one to out you.”

“I am,” John replied, “But it was kind that you thought about that.”

“Do you want to use my phone to tell them you are okay?” Phillip asked, unlocking his phone and holding it out to him.

“If you don’t mind,” John took it when Phillip held it out to him.

PHILLIP: Ghost?

THE SCARY ONE: Graves? Why are you texting me this early?

PHILLIP: This is Price, I’m with Graves, my phone is dead. Tell everyone I’m fine.

THE SCARY ONE: Why are you with Graves 🤨🤨🤨

“Ghost wants to know why I’m with you,” John looked at Phillip, “What should I say?”

“I trust him to keep a secret, if you want to tell him go ahead John.” Phillip replied.

PHILLIP: We had sex last night

PHILLIP: Ghost, you good mate?

THE SCARY ONE: …

THE SCARY ONE: Miller, Laswell, and Johnny owe me £100 each.

PHILLIP: You bet on that? Really?

THE SCARY ONE: No, we bet on if Graves swung both ways or not.

Phillip started to laugh as he read over John’s shoulder. “I thought she had bet on that.”

“Is betting normal for the Shadows?” He asked.

“Only the Lieutenants and higher,” Phillip gently grabbed John's hands and intertwined their fingers.

“Oh,” John replied, “Me, Ghost and Kate often make bets on dumb things.”

Phillip still felt wrong for how he and John were an hour later, they were on John’s couch and watching a movie. It was a period of no missions because they just finished a long and tough one. Deep down, the little part of him he kept locked away most of the time was happy, happy he finally let it out, happy he was being himself.

5 months later:

Phillip wakes up in his bed with John like he does every morning now. He smiles at his boyfriend who is still asleep. Sun trickles in through the gap in the curtains. John is laying with his back to Phillip, he’s snoring while sleeping peacefully. Phillip gets up and makes his side of the bed, which isn’t easy with John on the other side of it.

He quietly walks out of their room and starts a pot of coffee, then he gets out some waffle mix and pours it into a bowl and adds milk and eggs. He gets out a waffle maker that makes the waffles into the shapes of a skull and plugs it in to preheat. Once it’s done, he pours some batter into the waffle maker and shuts it.

He pours a cup of coffee and sips it while waiting for the waffle to be done. When it is, he repeats the process of making the waffles until he is out of batter. He plates a few and puts them at the table before grabbing a cup that says “World's Best Dad” on it and pours a cup and puts it by the waffles. On the table, there is a bottle of syrup, butter, and silverware.

Somehow John hasn’t woken up from all of the noise Phillip had been making as he cooked, so he walks back into their room and kisses John. It’s one of the best ways to wake him up because it doesn’t scare the shit out of him. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled at Phillip.

“Good morning Phil,” He sits up, “What time is it?”

“Just after 0700,” He replies, “Now hurry up before your waffles get cold.”

“Waffles?” John smiled.

#john price #phillip graves #PriceGraves #cod mw2

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vacantgodling · 6 months

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hanzo

you’ve asked about the behemoth you’ve unlocked the gates—

Sexuality Headcanon: gay gay homosexual gay. i think hanzo’s sexuality in my mind teeters from him being so casual about it that you’d think he’s always known (imo he has) or it’s a source of a lot of grief because of the expectations of the head of the clan to bear children (imo it is).

so, to me, he knows he likes men, and he’s too straightforward to deny it, and in his time wandering he’s sought out quickies with men, but i also think it’s a source of stress and shame for him. esp if you get into any of my transzo headcanons the territory gets even messier. but at the same time i can see him being divorced from the desires of the clan as he gets older. like once he gets to 35 he’s kind of like i mean, fuck it—it’s already been some time and i want what i want so it is what it is. i seriously think trauma+his personality make him struggle in developing like actual close relationships in general let alone romantic ones but he is gay and he wants to be with a dude romantically to Me.

Gender Headcanon: tbh i headcanon transzo more often than ciszo but i do tend to write ciszo more often it’s weird lol. but i think it would be an interesting angle to explore if the clan kind of influenced him to be a man and unpacking his struggles with that but ultimately deciding that he’s a man on his own terms but that’s brain rot thoughts for three am—

A ship I have with said character: the only hanzo ship i have and ever will have is with cassidy. otp for life.

i think a lot of the reason i don’t ship hanzo with other characters (largest contender could be bap but i think he and genji or niran work better) is just realistically because when i put their stories and traumas side by side they have the most opportunity to really gain something out of being with one another. what they gain is understanding: someone who gets them on their roughest days, who can talk them down from a panic attack, who they can share a look with and just understand. the chemistry is there physically (see the “pretty handy with that bow” & “good looks are not enough” voicelines which STILL drive me insane by the way — and yes i know hanzo says the good looks are not enough kill line to several people HOWEVER it confirms that he’s only into men for me because he’s ONLY ever said that line to men. i think he only says it to cassidy, reinhardt, and baptiste that i’ve heard? usually when i play hanzo it is a CLUSTERFUCK and i’m SWEATING so there may be more that i’ve missed but he only says it to men confirmed. That and his va being gay is definitely 👀 but that’s a whole other convo).

they would never let the other one get away with their shit, but at the same time they like to pretend their loners when they desperately crave to be understood and have someone to lean on. i think when it comes down to it baptiste is almost TOO adjusted. he and han are similar in that they’ve done things in their past they’re not proud of, but baptiste isn’t running from it; he’s actively trying to make a difference and make it better and in many ways i don’t think hanzo is there yet, and more than likely he’d probably compare himself to bap and feel like he’s not good enough to even stand by him as a friend or coworker let alone romantic interest. similarly COULD be said about cass but there’s something about him that’s extremely disarming to hanzo i feel like.

i could wax poetics about their relationship for deadass fucking hours however i am going to move on before this becomes an entire dissertation.

A BROTP I have with said character: the one that appears in cage is hana and hanzo! i think their friendship is cute, helpful, elder brother/uncle with younger sister/niece energy. basically everything kiriko will never be LMAO. a lot of the reason i do care about this friendship so much kind of stems from my own headcanons about hana and her story which are entirely deviated from canon and WILL make an appearance in cage later on. but i think the two of them are more alike than it would initially seem—hana’s just better adjusted and more outgoing than hanzo. and every fic i’ve ever read that has them as friends has made me emo.

A NOTP I have with said character: hanzo with anyone who isn’t cassidy LMAO.

if i am serious though, hanzo and akande? like bro i understand enemies to lovers and corruption arc are popular ship tropes but i want hanzo to be well fed, well fucked, safe and happy and with akande that would not happen lmao. i don’t think he has the delicacy and tact to manage to break through han’s barriers and to love him genuinely or tender and i think hanzo (clearly) has trauma around authority so akande trying to take the lead in their relationship would be so fucking rough. like it’s toxic and while toxic relationships can be fun to write it ain’t fun for me because hanzo’s the love of my life and i want the best for him 😭

A random headcanon: HANZO IS INTO VISUAL KEI AND I WILL DIE ON THIS FUCKING HILL FUCK BLIZZARD FOR GIVING KIRIKO THAT VKEI SKIN ITS BOTH BAD AND HAN DESERVES IT MORE FUCK YALL SO MUCH. you mean to tell me that this broody angsty s.o.b wouldn’t be into the gazette?? buck tick????? x japan??? dir en grey???? kill yourself like i’m biting and maiming. i think he’d be more into the grungier and darker groups tbh like more of a dir en grey fan bc of their lyricism and imagery… and it’s also lowkey one of the (many) reasons why cage is named cage. cuz cage is a dir en grey song lmao.

General Opinion over said character: he’s the love of my life. like i have never connected with nor been as obsessed with than hanzo and i’m going to go to my grave loving this man. seriously considering getting a shimada clan tattoo just bc i love hanzo so fucking much (i’m just broke) and he consumes my thoughts just as much as hya lmao.

#ff: cage #about renjamin

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julie-su · 1 year

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for the ask game how about.... Elias? If not him then Tikal?

Elias my beloved <3

Sexuality Headcanon: I am a Bisexual Elias truther XD Gender Headcanon: I like to think he's a trans man A ship I have with said character: I am an Elias and Megan understander. Imagine disappearing into the woods and you find a beautiful woman who you love, and this woman's already pregnant and you don't have to do the mathematics what with him being a trans man, you just get to have a beautiful wife and daughter. Living the dream. A BROTP I have with said character: I think Elias becoming BFF's with grandpas is the funniest thing. I legally require for him to befriend not JUST Chuck, but also the entirety of the Brotherhood of Guardians. You get invited to a boys' night with Elias and you wonder if you accidentally walked into Bingo Night. A NOTP I have with said character: The ones I'm thinking of go without saying XD but on the not morally heinous scale... I don't know, really! A random headcanon: When he was younger, he was convinced that he was just a weird shaped echidna... All of the absailing he does is in fruition to feel closer to gliding, humoring his younger self. General Opinion over said character: I love Elias with my whole heart! Actually, when choosing a middle name, I chose Elias because of him. ... I might as well do Tikal, too, whilst I'm here X3

Sexuality Headcanon: Gay gay homosexual gay Gender Headcanon: I think Tikal has her own connection with gender, but I can only describe what I'm thinking of with the vague umbrella term of genderqueer XD A ship I have with said character: I do like some fics and art of Shade and Tikal having a 'Romeo & Juliet', though they end just as tragically, as Tikal is sealed in the M.E, and Shade is sent to the Twilight Cage >w> so.. Tragic. A BROTP I have with said character: Knuckles and Tikal make a killer duo, if you go with Spirit Tikal from Post-SGW Archie! I also think she really enjoys her time spent with Relic, I think she rarely gets asked about herself and her origins, so it's really nice for her to be able to sit and just talk. A NOTP I have with said character: Folllowing on from the above, I doooon't really like Knuckles being shipped with Tikal. It just feels... Wrong? A random headcanon: Tikal suffers from the 'feed a victorian child MTN Dew and they will explode' phenomenom. If her body became tangible, and you put her on Extreme Gear or a car such as TSR, she's having a panic attack. She's mortified, she's miserable, she has NO clue what is going on, and she just realised that this thing is incredibly easy to ram into people and completely incapacitate them. 'Oh, why, cruel aurora, was such a contraption ever concieved!?' General Opinion over said character: Tikal is the reason I'm a ding dang Sonic fan, so it's safe to say I like her a lot XD You really chose two of my all-time favourites here!

#ask game #long post

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 1 year

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008 of 2023

Random Secrets from Others 8! [True or False] Created by joybucket

These are all secrets from random people that I've found on the Internet. Put an X by the secrets that you share, and elaborate if you wish. Have fun! :) (gonna bold, though)

I'm ashamed of my body, but I tell other people to love themselves. I was molested by a babysitter. ...and my dad told me not to tell anyone about it. He said that as a female, my body is for men. This idea has stuck with me ever since. My whole life I've been made to feel that I was undeserving of love. When I was 12 or 13, I finally learned what the word "rape" meant, and I then understood what had happened to me. ....and the fact that I was rejected from my own family, especially my mom, led to depression. I had nobody to talk to. No one is really there for you in the end. I'm transgender. I havne't come out because my family doesn't support the community at all. I feel more judgment from the LGBT community than I do from straight people. ....and it makes me heartbroken. It's sad, because all of us in the LGBTQ+ community are going through the same thing, and you would think that it would be a place to find support, but it's not always. I tried coming out to my parents, and afterward, they were completely silent. ....I tried to act like it didn't affect me, but I'm ashamed that it did. I pretend to be straight with most people, so they won't ask questions about my sexuality or ignore it altogether. I haven't told anyone that I'm bisexual. It scares me that my family and friends won't love me the same if they find out. No one knows I'm a homosexual, and I'm afraid if someone finds out, they will kill me. Hating someone for their sexuality is disgusting. Loving, appreciating, and accepting each other how we are is what makes us human. Imagine being judged for being who you truly are. My sexual orientation or my gender identification doesn't make me less of a human. I'm human just like everyone else, and I should be treated like one. My grandfather is the only one who doesn't know I am gay. When I came out, I was told that I must be confused or going through a phase. When I came out, my mom told me that I was disgusting and a disappointment. I will never tell anyone I'm bisexual. My parents would be furious if they found out. I feel lonely at home, with my friends, and with my family. I used to hug the clothes in my closet, just to feel like I was hugging someone real. I don't like to be touched or held. ...and it's been years since I hugged someone. I feel like people treat me differently because my parents are divorced. In high school, I used to eat lunch in the bathroom stall. ....I do the same in my workplace now. I talk to myself all the time. I talk to my stuffed animals when I feel my friends don't want to talk with me anymore. My best friend unfriended and abandoned me when I told her I was suicidal. ...I still blame myself to this day, and I wish that I was different, so that then we could still be friends. Loneliness is something that you can drown in; it is something that can overcome you. I feel so lonely that I get chest pains and I can't breathe. I feel so helpless, because I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love, and I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love who will love me back. I appear very happy and outgoing from the outside, but I constantly have panic attacks that no one knows about. My parents don't believe in mental health issues. It was hard telling my parents, "I think I need to see a therapist." I feel totally and utterly alone. I'm a misfit everywhere. I have no one to turn to. I'm a Christian, and there's a part of me that really hates Christianity. I feel like the Christian God could not love a deformed creation. We tend to politicize certain things, but I believe God loves everyone. You don't realize how lonely you are until something good happens to you, but you don't have anyone to tell. You don't realize how lonely you are until something bad happens to you, and you want so badly to talk to someone, but no one is there for you; you have no one to speak to. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness every day. I get so lonely that it physically hurts. Every day I fantasize about having a spouse and kids. ....so that I could give them the love I never had. No one showed up for me at my high school graduation. I had no family or friends who came to watch me graduate. 👩‍🎓 The hardest part of being lonely is not knowing where the loneliness is coming from. You just feel empty and you don't even know why. Hardly anyone ever asks how I'm really feeling/doing. (but this is normal here in my country) I hug my stuffed animals at night to help me sleep, because I'm so lonely. One of the worst things is realizing you are living most of your life in your head. The conversations, laughs, and friends you wish to have are all in your head. Loneliness is such a universal experience, yet somehow we all still feel alone. I feel like loneliness is consuming me slowly. I feel more alone when I'm around people than I do when I'm by myself. I daydream too much and re-enact different scenarios in my head. I wish I could look in the mirror without being disgusted at what I see. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve to be loved. I've been bullied at three different schools. I've begun to blame myself for being bullied, because I feel stupid and weak. ...I feel worthless, and that makes me feel even worse, because now I'm blaming myself. I love my friends and give my all in relationships, but no one feels the same way about me or does the same with me. I'm gay, and all I want is my parents to love me, but I know they never will. My parents have always made me feel insecure about my body, when they remind me that I've gained weight. I've stopped being myself, because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. After we took our clothes off, I changed my mind. He got angry, I felt trapped, and that is ultimately how I lost my virginity. I haven't slept well since, and I still feel ashamed about it. ....Now, I'm too afraid to get close to anyone. I can't trust anybody. I hate my physical appearance. ...I'm self-conscious, and I worry about everything, from the way I talk to my personality. I was bullied a lot for the way I look. I've had enough of life; I really have. I hate myself because being so sensitive always makes people use me. When I was born, my parents really wanted a boy, but when they found out I was a girl, they were disappointed. They've held it against me my whole life. ...Some days I wish I wasn't alive, because I know my parents would be happier without me. My dream in life is to have children. It's all I've ever wanted. ....but I may be infertile. It breaks my heart. 💔 I was raped by one of my boyfriend's best friends. I never told anyone, because I had seen so many women try to come out, only to be rejected. When I was raped for the first time, I told my friends, and they blamed me. ...They said, "You must have wanted it. You must have done something..." My ex physically and emotionally abused me. I was scared to break up with him, because people knew we were sexually active, and I was afraid they would think I was a whore if I ended the relationship. As a child, I was taken advantage of sexually by multiple men in my family. When I came out to my parents as gay, they told me not to tell anyone, because they said it could ruin our family name. They cared more about their reputation than about their own child's happiness. We must get rid of the stereotype that family is inherently good. Family is NOT the safe haven for most people. The suicide of a friend really hit me hard. Being betrayed was one of the most hurtful things that happened to me. Betrayal doesn't make us lose a friend or supporter. It costs us our trust of humans. I was taught that social media is dangerous. Yes, it is, but it's also helped me to overcome betrayals. It was hard for me to work up the courage to "come out." I've dated someone just to try it out.

#survey #themed survey #bolding survey

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royalarmyofoz · 2 years

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TWO DAYS UNTIL KCFH S2

#i said i am homosexual having a panic attack

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nctasja · 4 years

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#im at work yall cant DO THIS TO ME #nat is that ‘i said im a homosexual having a panic attack’ meme rn #anyways i am YELLING

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trikseymattel · 5 years

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#i said i’m a homosexual having a panic attack #trixie embracing red lipstick? maybe i am excited for 2019 #trixie mattel #trixie

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ghostbustinggays · 7 years

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(x)

#i SAID i'm a homosexual having a panic attack #lauren lopez #mine #i aM NOT OKAY #i've seen gifs of this before #and even watched the video #but mAN IT'S REALLY HITTIN ME TONIGHT #PALS I AM GAY

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forever-emo-phase · 3 years

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Mission Status: Sick!

Notes: Hello this is my first fic for Sanders Sides! It is inspired by @illogicallyinclined‘s hockey AU! If you haven’t ever gotten into it, do it! However, you can still read even if you don’t know anything about the AU! Characters: Virgil, Logan

Ship: The whole thing is pretty much just analogical pining Warnings: Panic attack is described Genre: Just guys being dudes being gay. Fluff maybe? It’s not sad and that’s all I can tell you. Summary: Which is how Virgil arrived at his current situation, Logan tensely sitting at his desk in the middle of the night with shoulders so tight he looked like he was seconds away from shattering.

'It's a good thing that my homosexuality is stronger than my pride', Virgil thought as he opened a capri sun and violently squeezed it onto his sheets.

Check it out on Ao3 here! https://archiveofourown.org/works/33804841

Anxiety sucks. Virgil’s nails are always bitten down to the quick, hands never still, and the insides of his cheeks chewed and raw. If Virgil had to find a bright side, it would have to be his ability to read people. With just a look, Virgil could tell by the slump of his shoulders when Roman needed a little bit of extra praise. He would notice the redness around Patton’s eyes and know that he would need more company than normal.

But the one person Virgil prided himself on seeing was Logan. It was almost second nature for him to sense the tension in Logan’s shoulders without even looking, he could almost feel it in the air. He could see when Logan needed to get out of his head and stop pushing himself before he broke.

Dealing with Logan’s emotions, however, was slightly harder. If his approach was too physical, like he would approach Patton, Logan would withdraw. If he tried to take the same approach he would with Roman, showering compliments tempered with a light bit of teasing, Logan would get uncomfortable and retreat.

Which is how Virgil arrived at his current situation, Logan tensely sitting at his desk in the middle of the night with shoulders so tight he looked like he was seconds away from shattering.

'It's a good thing that my homosexuality is stronger than my pride', Virgil thought as he opened a capri sun and violently squeezed it onto his sheets.

The thing with Logan is that he doesn’t care about himself. He will push himself to his limit and keep going, but, if someone else needs something? He will help as much as he can, even though sometimes it may not be overly obvious that he is helping.

“Hey Logan?” Virgil says from across the room, staring at his now soaked bedding.

“Yes, Virgil?” Logan doesn’t look up from his computer as he sharply replies. For a moment Virgil wonders if this scheme was the best idea, it could fail horribly and Logan could be angry and refuse. But, the wheels were already in motion, his sheets were already wet, and there was no turning back.

“I fucked up.” He said plainly, watching as Logan’s head turned so fast to look at him that he was surprised that he didn’t hear a crack. Realizing how ominous his statement was, Virgil raised his hands and quickly spat out a placating “No it’s okay i’m fine!”

Logan let out a sigh before replying “What did you manage to do that was so dramatic that it required that statement, while I was sitting in the same room, only a handful of feet away from you?”

“Well…” Virgil started, choosing his words very carefully to make sure his plan could not fail. “I was panicking a little bit while I was drinking my Capri Sun and I squeezed it a little bit too hard. It spilled on my sheets and my bed is soaked now.”

Logan’s eyes assessed Virgil, making him momentarily wonder if his lie was believable. Did his dishonesty show on his face? Was Logan about to get angry and yell at him? His hands began to shake slightly and his breathing picked up and, he thought wryly, at least now he wasn’t lying about being anxious. His fears were eased when he saw the slight softening of Logan’s face.

“Oh Virgil,” Logan huffed out, his face morphing into an expression of fond exasperation, “You need to stop having drinks in your bed, especially ones of the extremely spillable and sugary type.”

Virgil shrugged, “It is what it is, you know?”

“It does not have to be the way that it is?” Logan said with a hint of confusion sneaking into his voice. “You can very easily change the circumstance.”

A small chuckle escaped from Virgil as he watched his roommate struggle to wrap his head around the statement. Logan was extremely smart, that was obvious, but watching him puzzle out modern slang and sayings struck Virgil as endearing every time. “It’s too late to change it now, you know?”

“You are correct.” Logan intoned and Virgil could already see some of the tension leaving Logan’s shoulders as he began to relax during the conversation. “Do you have a plan for drying your bedding before it is time for you to sleep?”

“Not at all.” Virgil said as he absentmindedly brought his hand to his mouth to bite his nails, but stopped as Logan let out a soft click of his tongue as a reprimand. As he lowered his hand, he absent-mindedly wondered if Logan was even aware that he had made the sound. Either way, Virgil found it incredibly sweet. “I’ll probably just sleep on the floor. My pillow is dry.”

Virgil made a show of picking up his pillow and feeling around for a dry blanket so that he could make a temporary bed on the floor, however, he was quickly interrupted.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Logan scolded lightly, “You can sleep in my bed. I will be up for a significant while longer doing work, it is no problem at all.”

Everything was falling into place for Virgil and he had to resist the urge to steeple his fingers together like a Bond villain. But his work was not finished, there was still one more task- Get Logan In The Bed.

“Dude no!” He exclaimed, “I’m not taking your bed! You’ve gotta sleep at some point!”

“Virgil,” Logan sighed, “I have a lot of work to do that I need to get done soon. I was actually planning to get up and pour myself some more coffee.”

Shit. If Logan got caffeine into his system, it was game over. His plan would fail and he would just be in Logan’s bed, and while that wouldn’t be the worst thing, it was not the plan. Panicking, he blurted out a quick “No!”

“No?” Logan said with a raised eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

‘Now or never’ Virgil thought to himself, before delivering the line that had inspired the whole plot.

“I wouldn’t feel okay with taking your bed, just in case you decided to sleep. Could we just share for the night?”

Logan looked puzzled, “I suppose, but I have already told you that I am not necessarily planning on sleeping tonight.”

“I know but.. I would feel bad.” Virgil said, his anxiety rising now that he was this far into the plan and there was truly no turning back. “Could you just… Would you just lay down for a minute? It would make me feel better.”

Judging by Logan’s expression, Virgil was convinced that he had lost Logan. His plan had failed and he felt a burn of shame in his chest, clenching his eyes shut. God he was so stupid! He should have just refused the offer to take Logan’s bed and slept on the floor! He should have not even tried this stupid plan! Virgil had not noticed his breathing picking up and his fingernails burying themselves into his palms as his thoughts spiraled into a pit of anxiety. He had not noticed until Logan’s voice washed over him.

“Virgil?” He said, somehow both softly and with authority. “Name five things you can see.” Virgil pried his eyes open, not really remembering when he had closed them. “Bed. Computer. Shoes. Water bottle. Posters.”

Logan nodded his head, with a small smile. “You are doing very well. Now four things you can touch.”

“Uhhh…” Virgil hesitated, eyes darting to Logan, “Sheets. Pants. My hair. Wet blanket.”

“Good job. Three things that you can hear now.”

“Your voice. The air conditioner. Our obnoxious neighbors.” His breathing had started to slow and he could feel his body relaxing.

“Two things you can smell, you’re almost there.”

“Capri sun from my sheets and your disgusting coffee.”

“Last thing, one thing you can taste.”

“Toothpaste.” With his breathing regulated and feeling calmer, Virgil smiled wryly back at Logan. “I’m sorry. That was… sudden.”

“You are perfectly fine. I have reassured you multiple times that I do not mind helping you.” Logan said soothingly. “Why don’t we go lay down? You are typically quite tired after these events.”

“Yeah… that sounds good.” Virgil said as he stood to move to Logan’s bed, straightening his sleep pants and he went. “Do… are you going to lay down too?”

Logan hummed, walking to his laptop to shut the lid, as well as flipping the main lights in the room off. “Yes I suppose that I can for a moment. Just to assure you that I do not mind that you are in my bed.”

Virgil lifted the sheets of the bed and crawled under, scooting over so that he was next to the wall, leaving space for Logan to enter. “Alright. I promise I won’t keep you too long.”

“Well.” Logan said as he joined Virgil under the sheets, “I, in all honesty, could use the sleep.”

Virgil smiled at Logan with a soft “Good night then.”

“Good night Virgil.” Logan whispered, reaching up to turn off the light next to his bed, plunging them both into darkness.

The next time Virgil opened his eyes, the sun was shining through the window of the room and his head was resting on Logan’s shoulder. One of Logan’s strong arms was wrapped across Virgil and Virgil could hear Logan’s soft breathing against his ear.

Slowly reaching into his pocket so as to not disturb Logan, Virgil pulled out his cellphone, which was at 9%, and quickly snapped a picture before sending it to Remy with a simple caption.

“Mission accomplished.”

(And that is the end! Feedback is very appreciated!)

#Sanders Sides #sanders side fic #virgil/logan #sanders sides fanfiction #Sanders sides fanfic #ts virgil #ts logan #roman mentions #patton mentions #remy mentions #virgil sanders #logan sanders #Analogical #ts analogical #logan/virgil #hockey AU #tw panic attack #Larz does a write

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enigmasandepiphanies · 4 years

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I am a part of an education system where teachers tell students to not write hefty vocabulary in their English answers because the teachers cannot understand it.

I am a part of an education system where my love for language and learning is surpassed by a rat race choked with competition and pressure.

Is it even about learning anymore?

Is it not just about passing?

Passing till you top the most gruesome entrance exams in the world, passing till you reach the top university of the country, passing till you secure that white-collar job in that multi-million dollar company, passing till you have a mental breakdown and cannot cope up with the failure and then, failing. Failing until your brain is in a rattrap of suicidal thoughts.

Why the hell are people not scared, not choking with fear to even envision that society forces the students to believe that how well you do in your teenage years will determine your whole life?

I don’t know a lot of things but I certainly know that there is a fucking huge difference between a healthy amount of challenge to do better and being so stressed about school that you breakdown and cry.

Students in schools are all open textbooks and closed minds.

They are not allowed to write what they think if it is against the ideologies of a textbook written by a person who is not a feminist, a homophobic and does not know the difference between equality and equity.

I don’t know about other schools but my school gave us sex education like it was just a trivial biological scientific evolution and not an important social expression and an identity.

I was 15 years old going through a sexuality crisis when the “Reproduction in Animals” chapter read, “Here’s how you prevent STDs? Wear contraceptives and don’t promote homosexuality.”

Forget discussing sexual orientations or romantic orientations or different gender identities, our school textbooks said that homosexuality gives you STDs.

100 points to Heteronormativity, 1000 points to Homophobia, and -5000 points to Respecting Identities.

And people say school is the home for learning?

A home that never taught the young minds that being homosexual, bisexual, transgender, pansexual, asexual, non-binary and the whole spectrum and umbrella of other genderqueer or romantic identities does not mean you are broken.

Because you are not, not broken. You exist, you belong, you are loved. You are not broken, dammit.

The school did ingrain the fear of academic excellence in my brain but at one point it also ingrained the fear of my own identity in my goddamn soul.

Fearing yourself is the worst kind of fear because it does not let you live yet pulls you back from dying, It is like carrying the burden of your soul and hanging over a cliff but you never fall in the jaws of death.

But nobody cares about it, right? Nobody cares about acceptance or even the reason why we need to ask acceptance. Nobody cares about respecting the identities of others, their ideologies, their mad-hatter crazy imaginations, and the magical portal through which they view this world.

They teach us secularism and equality’s constitutional definition but differentiate between the genders in class. Nobody cares about how you treat other humans. Heck, nobody cares about how education is about being a good human.

Nobody cares because numbers matter. Numbers matter. Numbers matter more than your lives, from test papers to weighing machines. We step around the kids having panic attacks in hallways. We become the kids having panic attacks in hallways. Our parents see the straight A's on report cards and not the purple moons stamped under both our eyes after countless all-nighters.

We slaughter our creativity to revise quadratic formulas and covalent bonds. We know the Pythagorean Theorem by heart, but short-circuit when asked, "How are you?" We don't know. We don't know because that wasn't on the study guide. We usually know the answer, but rarely know ourselves because nobody cares.

Nobody cares if you've been crying all night as long as you get the chemical reactions right. Nobody cares if you've been lying in bed all day long your body frozen as long as you know Newton's Laws of Motion. Nobody ever talks about the aching in your heart as long as you're thorough with its anatomy and the fact that it has four chambers.

So, don’t tell me schools are the home for learning. They are not and people are surprised why children are homesick for a place that does not exist.

So, the next time they ask you, “why do you hate schools?”

Tell them:

Because we need closed textbooks, open minds.

Because we need healthy and happy children who believe that the home for learning is a place where they can proudly say that their identity matters. It is a home where people are proud, smiling wide and waving rainbow flags and their address is no longer a closet.

Because we need people who care, care about their ideas and imaginations and physical, mental, and emotional health and not just about numbers.

Education is not numbers, it was never numbers.

Education is just a guide where we all learn how to be the bits and pieces of pixie dust left in this tattered world.

Education is just a guide that whispers within my soul, “Be a good human, darling because humanity is in ruins. Be a good human because you care.”

And suddenly I am home. ~ enigma

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bthump · 3 years

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I wanted to touch on the whole gutsca thing with someone (I know zero people in this fandom so you're my lucky pick!). Am I alone in feeling like their first time together came out of no where? My meta with Guts is that he was not at all comfortable with sex at that time of his life (this instance being his first time [outside of the rape he experienced as a child]). His choice of words too, "here I go", translated to me like someone only doing what they felt was expected of them rather than something he was yearning for. He clearly wasn't even ready given how rough he was and how he regressed and attacked her. This moment seemed very forced and almost rang to me like Kentaro's declaration of "no homo though". I would be curious to know how Kentaro felt about homosexuality (bisexuality, etc) and if he ever addressed the ever blatant gay tension and romantic-non-platonic-love blossoming between Guts and Griffith pre-eclipse. I do get the sense that this may be a case of severe queer baiting or perhaps a PSA against gay love altogether ("falling for a man will literally destroy you and send you and everyone you love to hell" type of message); but I'm a very jaded person so I hope to be proven wrong. Sigh, my point being Gutsca seems pretty dang forced and empty of true development. I buy them more as besties than anything romantic. Especially since both he and Casca are actually in love with Griffith (what a fucking triangle!). Does anyone in fandom have any opinions on the sad possibility of this whole beautiful and ultimately tragic love between Griffith and Guts actually being a fucked up anti-gay PSA? Are there any interviews with Kentaro shooting this theory down so I can stop being sad and bitter about it? What are your thoughts?

Thanks for sending this, I'm definitely down to talk about it! I hope you connect with more people in the fandom but don’t worry about sending random asks even if you do lol.

Anyway you’re definitely not alone. I have a lot of thoughts on Guts and Casca's hook up, and they're all pretty much "it feels really forced and not particularly romantic but I think you can argue that that's deliberate" lol. For instance I discuss in a lot of detail here how various aspects of the scene indicate that Guts and Casca having sex is shown to be a case of both of them rebounding from Griffith and sort of giving to each other what they were unable or failed to give to him.

And I talk a lot about how Judeau essentially orchestrates it all and what that suggests about Guts and Casca's relationship here.

And lol sorry for all the links but also this post is about how their relationship feels one-sided to an extent and is used to illuminate a lot of Guts' flaws, using Judeau as a comparison point.

Oh shit and also one more lol, here's a comparison between the sex scene and Griffith's with Charlotte that suggests that both start as ways for the dudes to repress their feelings.

(Don't feel obligated to read all those posts if you don't want, you should get the gist of what I'm saying w/ those descriptions.)

But yeah basically I do think that Guts and Casca getting together felt forced and awkward. At best it might be intended to be seen that way, as two friends hooking up awkwardly in an emotionally intense moment but probably doomed to failure because neither of them are ready for a relationship with the other, or particularly interested in one deep down, once they finished "licking wounds." At worst it’s just bad writing lol. But again like I think there are good arguments for the former.

I also totally agree that their relationship has a strong vibe of doing what's expected. Like for real, at least to me both Guts and Casca read so easily as gay and repressed lol. Casca talks about her feelings for Griffith in terms of “he was a boy she was a girl can I make it any more obvious”

and I can’t help but see it as Casca like, wow I have strong feelings towards Griffith, he’s a man and I’m a woman, so clearly these feelings must be romantic, there’s no other option. Then when she has sex with Guts she keeps contextualizing it essentially as repayment for Guts saving her, like she owes him. “I too want a wound I can say you gave me.” “Not just being given to... maybe I can give something as well.” Which just doesn’t make her desire for him look all that genuine lol.

And then you have Guts. The way he tells Casca that from the start only her touch was okay with him after he has sex with her, referencing the scene when he wakes up with her on top of him and starts to panic before realizing she’s a woman, is soooo suggestive of repression to me. Like, first off because it’s incorrect, he was also okay with Griffith going in for a face-grab after winning a duel Guts had been projecting his rape trauma all over, which seems like a pretty conspicuous omission. And secondly because the reason he was okay with Casca’s touch specifically is solely because she’s a woman, not because she’s special or because they have a magic romantic connection - it’s because she’s not a man. To me that just screams that Guts was open to sex with Casca because she’s the only woman he knows, and he’s afraid of the idea of physical intimacy with men, regardless of what he might actually want deep down.

So yeah that’s basically how I feel about Guts and Casca’s relationship, strong agree with you.

When it comes to Miura’s intent, I can tell you that Miura was asked about the subtext in an interview once, back in 2000, and he responded with something along the lines of ‘two men can have passionate feelings for each other without it being romantic.’ The interview is here, but this is a paraphrase the translator mentioned in the comments.

Other than that I’ve never seen him address it directly, but on the flipside he has cited several textually gay stories as inspiration (off the top of my head: Kaze to Ki no Uta, Devilman, Guin Saga, mangaka Moto Hagio in general), and he has straightforwardly said that the (magical intersex) central character of his other work, Duranki, was intended to have romances with both male and female love interests. Also people tell me there are strong griffguts vibes with the main, presumably canon or intended-to-be-canon ship there. So there’s that lol.

As for the no homo aspect and the potential homophobia in the griffguts subtext... I can’t deny I’ve also considered the idea that it’s a deliberate anti-gay PSA (though I haven’t seen anyone else address the idea as far as I remember, and I’ve only briefly mentioned it offhandedly). Like, Guts and Griffith’s relationship turns bad because they’re both too invested in each other, maybe the barely-subtextual desire is meant to look like a sinister twisting of pure platonic feelings that ruins everything, if Griffith hadn’t loved him the Eclipse never would have happened, etc.

But honestly I don’t think that reading holds up compared to a much more positive reading of their feelings, in which it’s their failure to understand them and act on them, thanks largely to formative childhood trauma and self-hatred, that leads to tragedy.

I don’t know what Miura intended, and there certainly are aspects of the story that are homophobic regardless of his intent, even if my best-faith reading is entirely correct, like the only textual gay attraction being pedophiles and over the top heretic orgies lol, or yk, Guts and Griffith both assaulting the same woman while looking at/thinking about the other in a very sexually charged way.

But the reading of their relationship where it’s positive and good for both of them, even including sexual desire, and only gets fucked up because they both incorrectly think their feelings are unrequited is legitimately so weirdly strong, much stronger than a reading where the sexual nature of their feelings is what fucks everything up, so I’m pretty happy just rolling with that take.

And as much as Casca can be seen and may very well be intended as a no homo, it’s also very easy for me to read her relationships with both as less of a hopeful opportunity for positive heterosexual romance and more of a “here’s how repressing your feelings thru attempts at heterosexuality fucks you up” PSA lol. Griffith and Charlotte too, for that matter. It’s definitely a stretch to think that’s intended, but whether it’s intended or not it’s an easy sell for me and I’m fine with not really worrying too much about possible authorial intent there.

Finally, I also want to link this post that goes pretty thoroughly into why I interpret griffguts as very positive rather than as a cautionary tale or predatory gay lust etc

And also have this shorter post about Femto on the same subject too, why not

Oh and maybe this thing where I split hairs about Guts’ lust for Griffith and desire for revenge to make a point that the homoeroticism isn’t necessarily being equated with violence by the narrative lol

#ask #a #b #anonymous #theme: repression #theme: homoeroticism #interviews #ship: griffguts #ship: gtsca #theme: homophobia #theme: heteronormativity

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