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sappholily · 1 year

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hey! i see you really like COD (awesome, so do i <3) and, my favorite is BO3!! While I know its a bit of a controversial topic ^^' I was wondering if maybe i could get some kind of fic with jacob hendricks? i really really REALLY love him a lot and, he's a huge emotional attachment for me so i think it'd be kinda cool, yk? if not that's okay!! but it'd be great to get one :)

It took me a while to finish it because of the holidays, but I finished it and I'm proud of it! This got me back into the writing mood so thank you for this ask <3! I had never bothered to think deeper about Jacob as I was only concerned with the multiplayer operators, but it was fun coming up with a voice for him and I hope you enjoy it!

Summary: You and Jacob get married, he comforts you during a fork in the road moment.

Warnings: None

Fluff, gn!reader, no descriptions of reader and no pronouns used

It was the day of your wedding, and you had barely slept the night before. Nerves ran through your body as you thought about every detail. Would the cake be the correct flavor? Would the photographer take good pictures? How would your guests feel during the wedding? There were many things to think about, many things to unsettle you.

The morning arrived quickly, your thoughts fading into oblivion as you got dressed.

The ceremony started off without a hitch. You had chosen a beach for the occasion, and you chose a date where not many people would be around. The salty air of the ocean and the sound of the waves splashing against the shore were the finishing touch your ceremony needed, both of you had agreed on that.

Your soon-to-be husband was standing at the end of the aisle, his black tuxedo framing his body, accentuating his wide shoulders and small waist. His eyes shone as he watched you walk. “You’re stunning,” he whispered at you as you arrived at the altar.

You swallowed back the lump in your throat and quietly said, “Thank you,” afraid that if you spoke any louder, you’d start sobbing.

“Do you take this man, Jacob Hendricks, to be your husband, to live together in matrimony, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, and to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?” the civil officer asked you.

“I do,” was your response.

There was no other correct answer—you loved Jacob for all you were worth and there was no one else who made you feel the way he did. He completed you, made you whole, introduced you to the real meaning of the word “love”. Saying no would be your downfall. No one else understood the way you worked quite like he did.

It was almost telepathic how he was able to read you and your movements.

“I give you this ring as a token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love,” he said as he slipped the ring on your finger.

You struggled to hold back tears as you did the same to him.

The ceremony ended with Jacob being pronounced your husband and you two sharing a kiss that sealed your fate.

Your wedding planner, Maria, had pulled you to the side after you and Jacob left to the reception hall. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Oh, good,” you replied, taking one last look in the mirror. “I’m so glad the emotional part is over and now I can focus on having fun.”

“Yeah,” Maria said with a fake smile.

Frowning, you asked “What’s wrong?”

“Okay,” she placed her hands on your shoulders, “so don’t freak out, we will get everything figured out and sorted, but I just got a call from the bakery.” She exhaled. “They called and said that while they were on the way here, their van got into a bit of a situation. Everyone is fine, but,” she rubbed her forehead. “The cake toppled over and it is ruined.” She held her hands up before you could protest. “But don’t worry!” Her smile was just as fake as the first one you’d noticed. “They are getting a replacement cake, it just isn’t going to be a red velvet cake, it’ll be a vanilla cake. And obviously they won’t be able to decorate it how you wanted it, but they will refund the money to you.” She paused, waiting for you to respond. With your silent nodding as your only response, she continued, “Okay? Everything will be alright, improvising is something I’m good at.” It was her final attempt at calming you down.

All you could do was nod slowly as you tried to wrap your head around the situation at hand.

You hadn’t noticed that Maria left.

It wasn’t until Jacob, your now husband, asked, “Are you okay?” that you noticed she was gone.

With a shaky breath, you replied, “Yeah, I just-“ you breathed out and looked for somewhere to sit. “The cake,” you tried to keep your panic attack from happening, swallowing and allowing yourself to be held by your husband.

“Hon?” There was concern in Jacob’s tone, showing itself in the way he rubbed your back and held your hand.

Tears that you tried to keep at bay rolled down your face. “Everything is ruined,” you sobbed.

At a later time, once the reception was over and you were on your honeymoon, you’d look back and think it wasn’t a big deal, you had been overreacting. However, in the moment, doom overpowered your thoughts. In your panicked mind, all you could think about was how disappointed your guests, but especially Jacob, would be. You had promised them red velvet cake and they had to settle on generic vanilla cake. Your mind swirled with thoughts of the guests gossiping behind your back, speculating that perhaps the reason they got such a generic cake was because you two were broke.

Of course, all of that wouldn’t matter when all was said and done.

Jacob, the caring, loving and attentive man he was, pulled you in to his chest, hugging you tightly. “I’m sure whatever it is, it will turn out okay, we’ll figure it out,” his voice was soothing, as were the circles he was drawing on your back. He looked down at you and carefully wiped your tears, his touch tender.

You shook your head, a stream of tears still rolling down your face, “No, the guests are going to gossip about us.”

“What are they gonna say?” Jacob was struggling to hold back a laugh, not wanting to invalidate your feelings.

“They’re gonna say we’re poor,” you sobbed.

Jacob chuckled, caressing your cheek, “Babe,” he turned your face towards him, “hey, that doesn’t matter.” He gave your forehead a kiss before standing up and reaching his hand out to you. “Come on,” his smile was as soft as always.

You stood and held his hand.

“Do you know what does matter?” Jacob held your face between his hands. “What matters is that we’re married now. We’re gonna start a family and we’re gonna fill our house up with kids or cats or dogs or whatever you want, and if the guests do gossip about us, we’ll be too busy being happy and it won’t even bother us.” He wiped the remaining tears from your face and kissed your hands. “What happened with the cake?”

You sighed, taking his words in. He was right, but your jumbled emotions didn’t understand logic. “It’s ruined and instead of the red velvet cake we wanted, they’re going to bring us a generic vanilla cake.”

“Oh,” Jacob’s face fell slightly. The thing he had been looking forward to the most, after getting married to you, was the cake. He scratched his head, stressed about the situation. “Vanilla cake is still good,” he said, though it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself. “They will refund us though, right?”

You nodded.

“Okay, well we can get red velvet cake on our honeymoon!”

With a final kiss shared between you, you two headed to the main table to eat.

The rest of the ceremony was just as you had dreamed of when you were a child. You had forgotten about the issue and all you could focus on was your husband—the way his hands held you close as you danced, the way his blue eyes shone, different colors being accentuated as the lighting danced with you, the way he looked at you like you were the only thing, only person, in existence. It was the perfect wedding, and you couldn’t have been more grateful for having met him all those years ago.

Once the reception was over and everyone had gone home, you looked out into the ocean.

Jacob appeared behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and leaning his head on your shoulder.

As far as you were concerned, it was the perfect ending to the night, the perfect end to a perfect wedding.

You closed your eyes and breathed in the salty air. “I love you,” tenderly escaped your lips.

“I love you too.”

#call of duty #call of duty black ops 3 #Jacob hendricks #bo3 fanfic #cod fanfic #cod bo3 fanfic #i really like jacob as a character! i'm not sure why people hate him tbh #he's an aries which is what battery's sign is so 😏

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quirkypossum · 10 months

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personal life shit ahead btw

gonna talk about some personal life bullshit under the cut so if you're not interested in my life drama or potentially triggering shit then I'd scroll past. Content warning for talking about disturbing/self-destructive thoughts, chronic pain and illness, and trans stuff..

well, I'm at the point where I am second-guessing myself again. my mom and her husband actually think I'm a hypochondriac and I didn't help my own thought spiral by watching a bunch of videos on people who supposedly made up their own chronic illnesses for crime or other reasons...

like i genuinely think there has been stuff going on with me for years now, but because i never brought some of it up to doctors at the time they tend to not believe its that serious.. Half the time they blame my symptoms on my weight (something that has changed very little over the last five years not including getting the tits chopped earlier this year) or they will blame it on my diet (another thing that has if anything gotten healthier over the last five years as I've explored more veggies and fruits).

Most recently, I went in after doing a bunch of research on POTS and hypermobility without really saying anything specific, keeping the most specific description at general hypermobility while describing my joints and pain and other problems. Well, the outcome I thought was going to be better because normally they dismiss it and don't do anything but this time it seemed different because my doctor actually ordered new blood tests that I haven't had before to rule out things like arthritis and lupus and stuff. The problem was that she said she would follow up and never did and its been like a month now since then and still nothing. Based on the ranges they show with the tests I'm within range for everything pretty much so part of me wonders if that's why she never reached out to confirm the results or what, but I am planning on sending her a message to ask what the next step is.

I know it's not smart to self-diagnose and do a ton of research into symptoms because you could be wildly off but given the fact that the doctors I keep getting just dismiss everything as normal without really doing anything to check most of the time I just can't forget about it and move on. I shouldn't be dealing with all the health problems that I am at the age that I am. Older adults always say stuff like "wait til you're older, then you'll really know pain" and it makes me so disheartened for my future if I'm already overwhelmed by it all rn. Like I really am at a "whats the fucking point?" type of mental state because of all this.

I feel like no one in my life really believes that the issues I have a real and everyone just thinks i make it all up because I complain a lot. Part of me wonders if I am faking it all and I'm just so delusional that i don't know I'm faking it. It's the same kinds of thoughts I have about being trans sometimes or about money. I've been really trying to avoid self harming lately because of all this shit.... Its so weird cause I'll have a great awesome day where I got all the shit done I needed to do, did something fun, socialized, showered, ate, all of it and at the end of it all I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet... Like everything I said and did was wrong and of course my doctors don't believe me Im just making it up, of course my brother said no to sitting outside with me, I'm being annoying as usual. idk....

I have so many wishes for my life and my loved ones' lives and my mom always says that obnoxious response of "you wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster" to try and bring me back to reality and make me feel better I guess but obviously it never works. it just makes me feel worse about it like I shouldn't even complain in the first place. I really do wish things were different.

I wish I wasn't in pain every day, I wish I didn't have stomach problems every day, I wish I didn't feel like I might pass out every day, I wish my anxiety was the normal amount and not the terrifying heart palpitations I get every day, I wish I had enough money that these health problems wouldn't worry me so much, I wish my mom didn't have to work her soul-crushing job just to keep a roof over our family's heads, I wish that things were different....

If you read through all of this I applaud you and hope you can't relate to any of it.

#idk man #might not have needed the content warnings but better to put soemthing rather than nothing.#may delete later if i hate this later #the possum speaks #chronic illness #chronic pain #hypermobility #i realized i didn't even touch on the autism shit either lol #oh well just another thing that i keep second-guessing myself on

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heliosthegriffin · 3 years

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Jaune of the Dead II

-------------- Two Hours earlier ------------

“C’mon Rubes, you can’t depressed all day just because you’re imaginary boyfriend ghosted you.” Yang said playfully to Ruby.

“He’s not imaginary! He’s taller than dad, blonde, and wears a white trench-coat, I keep telling you this! That the mean Schnee made me blow up, and then he showed up did a glowy thing, and I felt great! Then walked me to the place, and then disappeared like a ghost! Then I found out he supercharged my aura! How do think I could have done so well in Initiation!” Ruby said to her sister rapid-fire.

A tall redhead puts her hand on Ruby’s shoulder. “You shouldn’t sell yourself so short Ruby, accepting your successes is necessary for good mental health, and from what I saw was enough to put some huntsmen to shame.”

Ruby pouts. “Yeah, I know! The thing is I can’t one shot a Nevermore and fly on my own! The thing is I know how strong I am, and I am not strong enough to do those on my own!”

Yang and Pyrrha sigh.

“Ruby, c’mon you’re awesome! You’re talented and you’re strong, so stop selling yourself short, wait never-mind that does apply to you.” Yang said with a shit-eating grin.

Ruby’s face was a brilliant red as she started pounding weakly against Yang’s arms. “Yannng! I drink milk, I’ll be tall one day!”

“If you say so, Rosebud.”

Pyrrha watched the exchange with a amused smile, feeling very pleased with her team so far.

She hadn’t expected to partner up with a prodigy and her sister, but destiny was full of twists and turns.

Many, many twists, like Yang’s partner and the leader of team BYRN.

Bleiss Schnee.

The notorious Black Sheep of the Schnee household and disowned daughter of Jacque Schnee for reason’s kept private, though considering what she heard of the man in the day she has known Bleiss, it didn’t paint flattering picture why he did what he did.

Who disowned their child based on appearance?

*BZZZ-BZZZ-BZZZZ*

*SNORE-SNORE*

The Black Sheep slept noisily in a dark corner of the room with her limbs thrown all across the bed as she slept under neath a black canopy bed with... her toys all still vibrating under her sheets.

A series of black glyphs floated menacingly around her bed as she slept.

Thankfully the curtains on the side of canopy bed only showed a hazy figure behind the curtains.

Bleiss had made her team go out last night to celebrate making it through initiation. They had gone to club after club, well Yang and her did, Pyrrha and Ruby left not feeling comfortable on that scene.

Yang had come back to the dorm alone, as Bleiss wanted to find someone to ‘Break her in half while folding her legs over her head,” or to find “A soft little sub to break between her legs.”

Bleiss had somehow come back empty-handed and frustrated.

Then she brought out the toys.

It had been hours before she went to sleep.

She had no idea how Ruby slept through it all, especially Yang screaming bloody murder trying to break her glyphs, which when broken unleashed somesort of insect like grimm that stung Yang without mercy.

Pyrrha was one-hundred percent sure that she started moaning louder to annoy Yang.

Thankfully, Ruby seemed to know what was going on. Apparently having walked in on Yang in a private moment before, but she still blushed red at noticing what her leader was doing calling it ‘Filthy.’

Pyrrha was also sure that it was a fools errand to try and wake her up for class. Bleiss had struck her as the type to have a couple trips up her sleeve. It did make Pyrrha ponder why she needed defenses why she slept though, but following those paths of thought those only led to dark explanations. Bleiss might make it clear one day if they grew close, and maybe, hopefully, it would have a more happy origin.

Bleiss had also made clear as leader of Team BYRN, she would go to class when she damn well felt like it. She had pointed out a loophole in the Beacon Rule book, apparently she could skip class as long as she maintained a 90% average in her classes, she could not be dropped from the classes.

A rule that was normally reserved for 3rd and 4th years who often took missions and had spend time recovering and could not attend classes, so were normally given abridged lesson and makeup tests.

Pyrrha had no idea how she going to do it, but she’d try her best to support her leader.

Pyrrha looked back to her teammates, and hopefully friends.

Yang had gotten Ruby into a headlock and was rubbing her head with her knuckles.

“Ah! AH! AH! I yield, I yield!”

“Yeah, you do, who’s the big sister, I’m the big sister, woo-woo!”

Yang dropped Ruby to the ground, who then started pouting.

Then a look of realization hit her. “See that proves it!” Pyrrha raised a elegant brow towards Ruby. “Proves what?”

“That I didn’t do all that crazy awesome stuff at initiation on my own! If I could Yang wouldn’t be able to beat me up like that!”

Pyrrha gave it some thought she had a good point.

Yang flexed her arms. “I don’t though, maybe you’re just making it excuses.”

“Maybe you just a big head!”

Yang smirks at Ruby, and then cups her chest. “I got some big somethings!”

“Ah, Yang!”

Pyrrha shook her head at her teammates antics, then her internal clock told her they had around ten minutes before class started.

Pyrrha gently clapped her hands together, not loud enough to cause shock, but enough to gain attention.

“Ahem, I do believe we have classes soon.”

The sisters looked at each other and then started cleaning themselves up for class.

Ah, she could scarcely imagine the day becoming more interesting.

--- 10 minutes prior ---

Professor Port’s lesson was interesting if veiled behind misdirection. At first Pyrrha had considered that he might be a little self-absorbed, until she started listening closely. He was purposely distracting them with long-winded stories to test their observation skills, which if one actually paid attention to would start to reveal valuable information on Grimm.

Bleiss’s twin had also the same class period as them along with her team, SBRN, Saturn. It seemed Weiss went out of her way to ignore all of them expect Pyrrha, offering her hollow praise and empty compliments.

Pyrrha had politely decline her offer to take notes together. Her team seemed nice, but it was clear there was division among-st them.

Weiss then proved to be as superficial as Pyrrha thought, having clearly been taking notes but not understanding the subtext. Prof. Port had to step in once it was clear the Greater Borbatusk was too much for her, it’s armor plating across its back and head, remained unscratched till Prof. Port grabbed it by it’s tusk and flipped it, cutting it’s belly open.

“Well, children let this be a lesson to you all, that if nothing else remember you have room to grow! And to cut a Borbatusk across the belly! HO-Ho-ho!” Despite his cheery demeanor, Pyrrha couldn’t help but notice the glint of disappointment in his eyes.

Pyrrha wished she had imagined the pleased look in Weiss partner’s eyes at her failure, and her teammates apathy towards their leaders failure. What had she done to sow such discontent in her team?

The class was dismissed and they walked to their next class, a new one if rumors were true, one that had been set up merely a day ago before suddenly being added to their schedule.

What, a odd occurrence.

It was hosted by a new teacher too, one Pyrrha had never even heard of, or the seniors if the rumors where true. But, if the rumors were true, which they usually weren’t, he was the youngest teacher in Beacon history.

How exciting.

Pyrrha, Ruby, and Yang stood outside the door staring at Weiss with her teammates entering beside her.

“I see my sister is not coming to this class, either.”

“Nope.” Yang said popping the p.

Weiss gave them all a haughty look. “Fine by me, that noisy harlot is an annoyance anyway.” She gave Pyrrha a fake smile. “It’s not too late to make the best team in Beacon history,” She looked towards the sisters. “I don’t mind trading one of mind for her to join.”

Pyrrha felt a flash of anger inside her, that was mirrored on Yang’s face, but she quickly suppressed it. “I’m sorry, but,” She put a hand on Ruby’s shoulder, and gave Yang a winning smile. “I feel I’m already on Beacon’s best team.”

Weiss scowled and stomped into the classroom.

Yang simmered before tskking. “What’s her problem.”

“I sincerely have not idea.” Pyrrha actually did if one did consider what was heard about Jacque Schnee. But, best wait before jumping the gun.

“She’s shorter than me, she probably mad she doesn’t have enough milk.” Ruby said seriously.

A snorting laugh echoed out of Yang and Pyrrha.

Pyrrha wiped a tear out of her eye.

Yang laughed. “Yeah, I bet she doesn’t have enough milk!” Yang said giving Pyrrha a knowing nod.

“I’m glad you two understand the power of milk!” Ruby said going into the classroom.

Pyrrha and Yang followed in after Ruby, and where momentarily amazed by the interior of the classroom.

It was bigger on the inside, with shelves of books covering the walls, diagrams and maps covering the walls, not an inch of the room was bare. Where there were not diagrams and books, where glass-cases, and various objects, ranging from swords, glass shards, skeletons, and weird objects that Pyrrha couldn’t hope to identify.

This did not look like the work of a day or two, this room looked as though it had been used for years!

“Wow, impressive.” Yang said from beside her. Then she scowled. “Uh-oh, looks like we got trouble this period.” She said elbowing Pyrrha to get her attention to nod towards a group of people even Pyrrha had no tolerance for.

Team VMMP; Vampire.

Vernal Wennbar

Milita Malachite

Melanie Malachite

Neo Politan.

A team of thugs and low-lifers that had somehow managed to get into Beacon.

Who, unfortunately had real skill to back up their attitude.

Yang squinted her eyes. “Something is off about them tho,”

Pyrrha had to blink thought to make sure they were the same team, though.

They were so quiet, and actually dressed for class.

Was.. Was Vernal wearing makeup?

No, she must be imagining things.

Pyrrha decided to ignore them and go sit with Ruby, Yang following behind her.

Then they waited, the class deathly quiet.

Team VMMP unusually quiet had been more than enough to cow the others into silence.

6 minutes passed.

5 minutes passed.

4 minutes passed.

and soon it would be only one minute before class started.

Their teacher, who ever it might be, hadn’t appeared yet.

Then came the sound.

*Clack-Clack-Clack*

Of heavy shoes rhythmic hitting the floor.

It had started near the edge of their hearing, sounding as if it was coming from across the school. Only for it to grow louder and louder, becoming more noticeable till it was evident it was coming towards them.

10:00.

He entered exactly as the 9:59 went to 10:00, right on time.

A head of long, messy, blonde hair came through the doorway, the hair easily coming to his mid-back. His face sharp and judgmental, but looking handsome in a imperious way. Two deep blue bloodshot eyes scanned the room as he went in, underneath his eyes were deep black bags, that spoke of a lack of sleep.

His body language tense and wary, not that much of his body could be seen as hit was covered by a billowy white leather duster, which opened to reveal stained, faded, well worn, and stitched up work clothes and pair of heavy duty work boots.

A sheathed sword on his belt.

That’s not what drew Pyrrha’s attention to him though, no it was her semblance. He was wearing metal gauntlets too over his hands and had some sort of metal armor underneath his clothes or maybe worked into them.

He was also wearing five necklaces, had a dozen rings, and had nearly twenty pounds of things, Pyrrha couldn’t imagine what, stuffed into his pockets. And that was just metal! It wouldn’t surprise her if he had more in there made of other materials.

Why did he have all those things?

She then heard Ruby’s breath hitch. “That’s him!” Ruby whispered to her and Yang.

Before she cold react he spoke.

It was not what she expected.

It was quiet, very quiet, tired too, like he had just woken up. His voice was deep, but raspy like he had a cold. But it commanded attention and impossible to ignore as within its core was a razor thin edge of Power. Of something that made his voice make her her shiver and alert to him.

‘He is dangerous,’ Something insider her warned.

“My name is Jaune Arc, I am eighteen years old, and I will teach you all the in’s and out’s of advanced aura manipulation, Soul Theory, and defense against the Paranormal. Any questions?”

-----------------

9 years and 360 days ago

-----------------

Little Jaune Arc was on his own.

He didn’t get it.

He told his parents, but they laughed at him and told him everything was fine. There was no scary lady in his closet.

He told them again. They laughed again.

He told them everyday, but they weren’t laughing anymore, they were mad.

They said if he kept making up stories for attention they’d ground him.

When he asked if he could sleep in their room, they said he was a big boy and had to sleep in his room.

Jaune stopped talking to his parents on the fourth day. They hadn’t even gone into his room. It was like that with everyone though, no one seemed to believe him, or want to go near his room!

Alicia was out hunting and out of Scroll range.

He tried Saphron and his elder sisters, but they were too busy for him. Saphron was always talking to Terra. And told him to get more creative if he wanted attention from her. Terra just laughed at him.

June was always on her scroll, and told him to buzz off.

Daisy wanted to watch tv or to paint, and told him he was distracting her, or be a model for her.

Jazz would just turn her music up till he left, or drag him into dancing.

Grace would just make him work in the garden with her, but everything he said went in one ear and out the other.

And the Rachel?

She is too young, couldn’t even walk yet.

He vented to them anyway. That was a new phrase he learned. He also learned what a phrase was at school.

“I don’t get it,” He said to his youngest sibling. “they won’t take me seriously! I keep asking and asking them to just wait till a storm hits and stay with me, but they just keep laughing, getting mad, or ignoring me!”

Little Jaune Arc grabbed his hair with both hands.

“It’s so annoying! Why is this happening?”

Rachel just played with her toys, pretending to drive a car.

A glint appeared in Jaune’s eyes.

He started playing too.

He sighed though.

“What should I do, what should I do?” He repeated to himself.

“I tried to get them to look at the window, but they keep ignoring it, I tried showing them my scars and they said they were from playing in the woods, it’s like everything I say is just being ignored.”

Jaune rolled the toy car back and forth.

Rachel bumped her car into his, pinching Jaune’s finger inbetween the metal.

A light white glow appeared on his hand.

Jaune looked at his finger in wonder.

He focused on it and tried to force the feeling back out.

Nothing happened.

Jaune frowned and looked at his hand.

He grabbed a toy car and slammed at his pinky.

A warm feeling engulfed his pinky as a white light block the car, the car bouncing off of it.

He tried to imagine it being warm again.

A faint white light ghosted over his finger, before dying.

“Hmm,” He looked at his finger. “I have no idea what I just did,” He looked at Rachel. “but, you helped.” He gave Rachel a kiss on the forehead. “Thanks sis, I don’t know if you can understand me, but thanks anyway.”

Rachel looked at him with baby blues and gave a toothy smile and giggled.

“You want to keep playing?”

------------

An: Pyrrha’s more fun to write than I thought she would be. Next up though, on the fan fic list is Arc Acres, then Dead Knight, then Prodigy AU, then Sacred Rites II.

#Jaune of the Dead #Jaune Arc #Ruby Rose #Pyrrha Nikos #Yang Xiao-Long

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shemakesmusic-uk · 3 years

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Alt-pop newcomer LVRA (pronounced loo-rah, real name Rachel Lu) has shared her first new track of 2021, ‘DEAD’. Following up on 2020’s debut EP LVCID, she explains: “There’s a unique power you gain when you stop caring about what people think of you. It’s an ongoing battle, though, and ‘DEAD’ is about the conflict between the fantasy of not caring and how you feel in reality. The video captures that, with a version of myself who has her shit together and another that is fighting to survive.The use of red represents fear in the human condition, but in Chinese culture it also symbolises happiness. One rarely comes without the other.” The track – a cultural mix that matches LVRA’s heritage with bleeding edge ultra HD pop – is the first taster of a second EP, which is set to follow later this summer. You can check out an Oscar McNab (Lacuna Common, Oscar Lang). directed video above. [via Dork]

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Los Angeles artist Wallice follows debut single 'Punching Bag' with new coming of age anthem, '23'. Wallice finds herself caught between two places on fresh cut, '23'. “Too old to be a runaway”, but also too young to consider herself as grown up, the 22-year old yearns for a past that still has not happened yet. Working with producer David Marinelli since her return to California, Wallice has crafted a sound that is unique without taking itself too seriously. An angst-driven remonstration at the powerlessness of her age, '23' is also the clearest stamp of her musical identity to date. The expression of this purgatory is a cathartic garage-rock headbanger complemented beautifully by Wallice’s playful lyrics. “I just can't wait to be / all grown up and 23,” she admits in the song’s irresistible chorus. “Tell me what is wrong with me / I miss my Ohio fake ID”. In artfully portraying the limbo state of the age, Wallice describes the events in her life that have led to her own disaffection. “It’s hard not to compare your own professional success to that of your similarly aged peers. I dropped out of university in New York after studying Jazz Voice for a year, and my dad was VERY disappointed, to say the least, so it was hard not to feel like a loser in that sense. “The specific age 23 doesn’t have any milestones associated with it, but it’s more the idea of just looking forward to the future,” Wallice continues on the meaning of the track. "Much like how people ‘reset’ every new year, it’s comparable to be ‘older and wiser’ with each birthday, but instead of constantly looking to the future, it is important to be happy with where you are”. [via Line Of Best Fit]

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Coach Party have shared their new single 'Everybody Hates Me'. The Isle of Wight group are gearing up to release their incoming EP, with After Party pitting their potent indie pop influences against bittersweet lyricism. Out shortly, the EP is teased by new thumper 'Everybody Hates Me', with Coach Party adding a neat gloss to their guitar pop sound. Out now, 'Everybody Hates Me' comes equipped with a neat video steered by Daniel Broadley. Vocalist Jess Eastwood comments: “‘Everybody Hates Me’ isn’t a metaphor for anything; it’s literally about those times when you convince yourself that everyone, including your best friends don’t actually like you, and your self-confidence is so low that you don’t even blame them. Disguise that sentiment in an up-beat singalong, and there you have the third single from our new record. The video is a direct extension of the song. It swings between the insecurities of feeling like you’re not good enough amongst your friends, and the sense of unity you get from those same people when you finally wake up from your rut. Everyone feels that way from time to time, but you gotta remember that sometimes your irrational self is going to take over. And when it does, try to remember that you’re awesome, and your friends really are your friends.” [via Clash]

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Pussy Riot have gone hyperpop on their latest song 'Toxic'. The Dorian Electra collaboration features glitched out production by Dylan Brady of 100 gecs and tackles a relationship gone bad. Written, directed, and edited by Pussy Riot’s Nadya Tolokonnikova, the music video features jarring, bloody imagery matching Brady’s production. “Care about yourself, cherish your mental health, and stay away from relationships that poison you!” Tolokonnikova writes in the YouTube description. “Amen.” In the song’s lyrics, Tolokonnikova tells off an ex. “You are my daily poison so annoying,” she sings. “You’re even more toxic than my employer.” The hook continues the theme. “This combo is deadly — ’cause we used to be friendly,” Electra laments. “And now my heart is a weapon / You made me… toxic.” [via Consequence of Sound]

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Baby Queen has dropped a brand new track, ‘These Drugs’. Bella Latham’s second new track of the year – following up on the anthemic ‘Raw Thoughts’ – she explains in an Instagram post: “This is a story I really needed to tell you and I didn’t know how to for a long time. When I first wrote this song, I honestly didn’t think I was going to be allowed to release it or that releasing it would be a particularly good idea. It just felt really important and that’s all I’ve ever wanted music to be; so I knew I had to share it with you.I was in a very bad place at the time… very depressed and convinced I wasn’t a good person and didn’t deserve good things. Life is different now. I’m happy. I’ve learnt that the antidote to my misery is gratitude and caring about myself even when I don’t want to, until it becomes a habit. It’s natural to look for escapism but there’s more freedom in working to build a life you like… and by that I literally just mean learning to love yourself. You, with all your scars and all your regrets, are home to an actual life! You’ve been through so much and you’ve come out the other side stronger because of it – it’s remarkable really. You’ve got to invite the sad parts of yourself in to have a tea party with you. Don’t ignore them and cover them up. If you don’t look at them, they’ll make themselves seen! You are so worthy of love and I hope that if you don’t see that yet, you will learn to in time. Anyways guys,” she finishes, “this is all very intense. I love you very much and I hope you can understand and relate in some way.” [via Dork]

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Greentea Peng has shared her new single 'Nah It Ain’t The Same'. The UK neo-soul voice is an outstanding talent, someone who pushes herself further into that hip-hop / jazz nexus with each release. Produced by Earbuds, new single 'Nah It Ain't The Same' is out now, one that reflects the chemistry she has with her live band The Seng Seng Family. Dipping into drum 'n' bass, her vocals have a calming, beatific feel, with 'Nah It Ain't The Same' tugging at matters personal. She comments: “Deliberations of a (hu) MAN, subject to the pendulum's swing, I give you ‘Nah It Aint The Same’ off my album MAN MADE. An expression and exploration of my utter confusion and inner conflicts amidst shifting paradigms.” Greentea Peng stars in the new video, with Machine Operated sculpting the video. [via Clash]

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renforshort has debuted a brand new single, ‘virtual reality’. The first taster of a forthcoming second EP, the track sees her “connect” with Kellen Pomeranz (Pom Pom), Jesse Fink and Beabadoobee collaborator Pete Robertson. “’virtual reality’ is a song that tackles many topics. But at its core, it really is about anxiety, routine, boredom, isolation, loneliness, and fear,” she explains. “I think a lot of people have a very unhealthy relationship with technology because it’s never really been restricted enough to consider mental health and overall health, and that has fucked so many people up, now more than ever. Ever since I was young, social media has played a major role in my mental wellbeing, and I became so accustomed to it, it became a part of my routine and it came before everything else. The moment I wake up, almost instinctively, I check my phone. Depending on what I see in the morning, basically determines how I’m gonna feel for the rest of the day. I hate it. But I can’t stop. And what’s most ironic about this all is you’re likely going to read this on social media or listen to the song on some sort of electronic device…” [via Dork]

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Flock of Dimes has shared the second single from her forthcoming album Head of Roses, out April 2 via Sub Pop. Following recent single, 'Two', 'Price of Blue' is another standout from Wasner’s second solo LP, an album that showcases her ability to embrace new levels of vulnerability, honesty and openness, combined with the self-assuredness that comes with a decade-plus career as a songwriter, producer, multi-instrumentalist and prolific collaborator. It comes accompanied by an unearthly new video filmed in black and white, co-directed by Wasner with Graham Tolbert. Wasner says: “This song is about trying, and failing, to connect. It’s about the ways in which, despite our best efforts, we misunderstand each other, and become so attached to stories that we’re unable to see the truth that’s right in front of us. And it’s about the invisible mark that another person can leave on your body, heart and mind long after their absence. It can be difficult to make sense of the memory of your experience when the reality on the surface is always shifting—when the story you’re telling, or the story you’ve been told, unravels, leaving you with a handful of pieces and no idea how they used to fit together.”

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Berlin-based indie-soul five-piece, People Club, announce their new EP Take Me Home, which is due May 7 and the band are sharing the title-track and new video. The title track 'Take Me Home' is a song about the realisation of mortality in old age and the cynicism that often plights the elderly after losing their loved ones and being left alone with their regrets. It is accompanied by a music video shot by long standing collaborator, Felix Spitta. Speaking of the process the band say, “Once again we worked with our very talented friend, Felix Spitta, who also shot the video for our last single Francine. We basically spent a day fooling around at his house with a smoke machine and an old tape TV camera with a red filter. The result is hazy and disorientating, just like this year has been so far.”

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Introducing MARY., the dreamy alter-ego of musician and songwriter Stef T. The self-produced debut track, ‘Day to Day’, interlaces elements of electro-pop and R&B with a voice that enchants, along with an official video filmed, edited and directed by David Risdon and Charlie Rose Creative. Reading like a page in a diary, ‘Day to Day’ offers a candid and emotionally raw glance at being overlooked as a woman in a man’s world. She is put together, glamorous and poised on the outside, but on the inside she is simmering like a pot ready to boil over, fed-up and on the brink of snapping. Speaking of the track, Stef T explains, “’Day to Day’ is a reflection on what it is to be a woman in a role where you are always unseen; constantly giving yet never receiving. As woman, we are often undervalued for our day to day work in all aspects - as mothers, in relationships, in our careers; having to push extra hard to get the basic recognition and thanks that we are entitled to. This song is a commentary of a large part of my life where I settled, sacrificed and worked, only to be used and taken for granted. It is about learning to survive a toxic relationship, discover your own individual worth again and reclaim the power that you gave away to someone else. Producing this song myself is the only thing that made sense in context with the intention of MARY. as a project. She is an entirely self made, independent woman, who does it all and doesn't need a man to confirm that she's doing a good job. This is something I have personally struggled with, so I created the MARY. persona to feel more empowered in my storytelling as an artist, in an industry without a large visible number of female-identifying producers.”

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Los Angeles based dream pop trio Tashaki Miyaki have just released a single and video of the title song from their forthcoming second album, Castaway, which will be released on April 23 via Metropolis Records. Singer, drummer and producer Paige Stark states that the song “is about the challenges of romantic love and how we are all bad at it in one way or another. The idea of a castaway in all this is that no one understands the relationship except the people in it, so you really are stuck on an island alone together there. Maybe you make it back to the mainland, or maybe you stay on the island.” Stark also shot the Sofia Coppola-inspired video on film, adding: "I wanted to tap into all the feelings that can come up in love relationships: anger, sadness, loneliness, vulnerability, stillness, joy, romance, longing. The actress in it has a beautifully expressive face and I've known her for a long time. I knew we would be able to create those moments together. I wanted it to feel like the camera was her lover, capturing her in various private moments, moods and feelings.”

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With her Vanilla Shell EP celebrating its one-year anniversary last month, Danish-Chilean composer Molina is back with another abbreviated record in the form of the new single 'Cold,' featuring vocalist Jonas Bjerre, arriving with a pair of B-sides. The brief collection of songs continues her simultaneous journey inward toward the roots of Chilean music and outward into her own unique vision of the future. The project lands with a video for the A-side, which dreams up bizarre fantasy iconography in the tradition of Grimes and Björk to complement her subdued take on these artists’ out-there recordings. Blending ambiguous electronic sounds with the familiar drone of cello and Bjerre’s backing vocals, the track’s distinct persona may have more in common with the experimental soundscapes of artists like Jenny Hval or Julia Holter. [via Flood]

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Maisie Peters has debuted her brand new single, ‘John Hughes Movie’. Described as the first single from her soon to be announced debut album, it’s a song about unrequited love, inspired by the legendary film producer and his classic coming-of-age teen comedies like The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles. The track comes alongside a video co-written by Maisie and director Louis Bhose (Loyle Carner, Arlo Parks, Lewis Capaldi). Maisie explains: “I wrote ‘John Hughes Movie’ when I was 17 about a house party that I had gone to. It’s a really honest depiction of being a hopeless, melodramatic teenager, being awkward and drunk and getting your heart broken by people you don’t even remember anymore. John Hughes films encapsulate that foolish romantic energy of high school and everything that I, a small town English wannabe Molly Ringwald wanted to be, but was not.” [via Dork]

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Chloe x Halle have shared the music video for their song 'Ungodly Hour.' The video was debuted on Wedneday night's episode of The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon and shows the Bailey sisters going underwater for a sci-fi-style visual filled with choreography and elaborate adventures at the bottom of the ocean. Watch the Alfred Marroquín-directed video above. [via The FADER]

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South London's Josie Man has returned with sentimental new single 'Cuts & Bruise', marking her first release of 2021. 'Cuts & Bruises' follows October 2020's 'Grow' single, and is accompanied by a Andrea Mae-directed video that shows couples enjoying tender moments, including Josie Man and her boyfriend. [via Line Of Best Fit]

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Jessie Ware has shared a new short film for her song 'Remember Where You Are'. Her album What's Your Pleasure? arrived last year, a disco-fuelled missile that presented some much-needed good vibes amid lockdown. The songwriter returns to the record for her song 'Remember Where You Are', a soulful and uplifting slice of UK songwriting. There's now a full video for the song and it's steered by BAFTA winning director Dominic Savage. Starring British actress Gemma Arterton, it opens on Valentine's Day and finds the star wandering through deserted London streets. A glimpse of hope and renewal, it taps into the growing feeling that this time, lockdown might be coming to a permanent end. "It was a real pleasure to collaborate with Jessie and Gemma on this short film that is inspired by Jessie Ware’s beautiful music. It was also inspired by the real feeling that was felt when we filmed in the deserted streets of eerily strange lockdown London on a Saturday night/Sunday morning,” Dominic said. “The feelings and emotions in the film are a true reflection of what that felt like, and what this time invokes. Sadness, nostalgia, pain and defiance. But when we climbed Primrose Hill and the sun started to rise above the city, there was real hope and joy for a future that will surely be ours. Listening to Jessie’s music. There is no doubt of that." Jessie adds... "This song has always meant a lot to me and I was determined for other people to hear it and for it to be single. I am so touched by how many people have embraced this song, particularly when it's one of your favourite actresses and an acclaimed film director. Working with Gemma, Dominic and their team has been an absolute joy. To have them realise my song with a beautiful ode to London and the longing for human touch and interaction couldn't be more of a compliment. It's a truly cherished piece of work." [via Clash]

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Jaguar Jonze has shared her new single and video 'CURLED IN' ahead of the release of her second EP ANTIHERO on April 16, both via Nettwerk Records. 'CURLED IN' presents all her best qualities at its outset. From the track’s rip-roaring, slicing guitar to her perfectly forceful, omnipresent vocals, 'CURLED IN' is a pure cathartic release. "Tear me apart, just tear me apart," she all but demands: "I've never seen wrong be done right." She's fulfilling her simplest needs, and it's freeing. "It's a bit of a twist for me to be a masochist." As a survivor of abuse, these words' unafraid power is all too apparent and an engaging statement to hear expressed.

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Following the release of eclectic and impressive debut singles 'ASOS,' 'Right Time,' and 'Papercut,' rising left-of-center pop singer and songwriter Dava returns with a fresh and bold new single 'New Ceilings' available now via Sony Music's Disruptor Records. The moody anti-pop record was co-written by Dava and Mike Adubato (Del Water Gap, Grace VanderWaal) who also produced the track, and is the latest off the Los Angeles-based musician's forthcoming debut EP, Sticky, due out later this year. On the inspiration behind her new single, Dava shares, "This song was written about survival and staying true to yourself. I was having a hard time financially after moving to LA and my phone was shut off while on my way to this session. I was upset with myself for prioritizing music when I really needed the money from driving Uber to stay afloat." She continues, "The day I wrote 'New Ceilings' I was angry and I wanted a song that felt empowering and validated all the work I had put in up to that point. I ended up choosing different songs for my project but when I revisited this one year later, I felt it needed to be heard because of how authentically it embodies my struggle."

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London-based Fifi Rong, a multi-talented avant-pop songstress, has shared the video for her stunning single, ‘Another Me’. Directed by Rok Pat, the video for ‘Another Me’ is stylistically simplistic, as Fifi Rong uses her own body as a medium of art, painting herself and inviting the simple imagery of waterside reeds and plants. A tranquil mysticism embraces the single as Fifi Rong acts as a gentle siren, luring the unsuspecting in yet known the inevitable outcome of the relationship. Speaking of the concept behind the single and video, Fifi Rong tells us: “In any doomed romance, timing is always mysteriously wrong. This is my first full CGI music video and it visually portrays the elusive nature of the character surrounding the key message: 'you won't find another me'. The undertone of the song displays a sense of pride and confidence in the character’s melancholy. Dressed in nothing but petals, I wanted my character to symbolise purity, nature, truthfulness, vulnerability and the divine feminine form. Acting as a rotating statue, I wanted to mark the passing of time and seasons as if a unique and lonely piece of art on display.”

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fjorrd · 4 years

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Hey so u know you reblogged that post that said you could confidently info dump about mental recovery? I rlly like seeing the positive posts and stuff you revlog alongside ah content and I'd be interested to hear u info dump about mental recovery if that's ok w you? ❤️💕

aw, tysm!!! a lot of my mental recovery info dump is def centralized around my own experience, but i can write a info dump on my mental recovery! of course, this is what i did for myself and it might not the the case with every else (:

i’ve struggled majority of my early teens through adulthood with several mental illnesses and disabilities. therapy wasn’t something accessible to me till this year.

inevitably, when the people in my life left in which myself and them dwelled in a toxic environment, i wanted to really act. two years ago, i decided i wanted to get better. for myself. i wanted to be able to brighten someone’s day instead of dragging them down with me. i wanted to take my own emotions into my own hands and be there for myself. to be healthy, happy, and safe. i wanted to be able to give people some light in their life i never had when i needed it the most.

of course, recovery is so much better when paired with therapy and help, but taking little steps is great, too!!!!!

stop deprecating humor/self-deprecation. first step and the biggest. the moment i stopped being mean to myself gave myself more credit was one of the best decisions i ever made. it’s life changing.

negative humor. just jokingly saying ‘kms’ or ‘fml’ can help normalize suicidal stuff. it’s not normal. i found that cutting those out of my vocabulary entirely alienated those statements and made me realize how negative and not good they really were.

try being realistically positive. you don’t have to go all out positive. just simple things like… “today will be better” or “i will take steps to make myself happy today” can really prioritize your happiness before you sadness.

take the steps to be happy. easier said than done. sometimes, go all out. if something makes you happy, even fleeting, do it. immerse yourself. appreciate the little things in life

meet new people! change up ur social life! i try to be friendly or interact with a ton of people, constantly, esp on here. a lot of those people don’t respond back, but that’s ok! you’re putting yourself out there! if you put out positivity, you will attract positivity!

put emphasis on your ‘happier’ emotions. if you’re happy, scream it to the world! go spam ur friend with messages about happiness! there’s a new game you love coming out?? share your excitement!! share your passion! passion, happiness, and excitement is infectious. you will see it leak into other’s lives. wanna use twenty exclamation points? DO IT!!!

be unabashedly you. i know i’m still scared of being annoying sometimes, but so what. i shouldn’t let that stop me from being myself. people shouldn’t stop me from being myself. it’s hard not to care, since when you do have mental illnesses, it’s hard not to care excessively of what others think. but being comfortably you and expressing yourself is important.

put yourself first. say no if you don’t want to do something. take the steps to curate your social media experiences. put your mental health first. if someone posts something that upsets you, unfollow them. recovery has its ups and downs, but don’t let someone make you sad when you can easily unfollow them.

other people are out of your control. people will do things you don’t understand. it’s hard to come to terms if people hurt you in the past and you don’t understand why. but you’re you. don’t try to reason other people’s thoughts. people will be mean just to be mean. they will manipulate and lie. understand that these are NOT your fault. people will do what they want to do, regardless if it hurts you or not.

know that you’re a good person. that person you admire has made mistakes and has done some shitty things at one point or another in their life. we have all been “problematic” at one point or another. good people do shitty things. bad things happen to good people. good people are human. it’s okay to have a bad past. it’s okay to not be proud of who you were. social media puts emphasis on “calling out” mistakes. your mistakes, in reality (fuck social media and callout culture), don’t define you. put your oxygen mask on to be able to help other people put theirs on, even if you fumble while doing it. it’s okay. you’re okay.

let yourself change and grow and get better. you will change. you can change. if you don’t like who you were, that’s okay. if you realize that you made mistakes, that’s awesome. you’re bettering yourself. you’re doing it for you and that, in itself, despite all that you’ve been through, is amazing.

love yourself. this one’s hard. it takes work. i still am working on it. be proud when you’re proud. be confident when you’re confident. compliment yourself, even if you don’t believe it at first, because you will begin to see that you’re admirable and amazing and awesome the way you are. it’s okay to fake it till you make it.

forgive yourself. you really – i know it can be really hard to believe if you hurt someone when you were hurting – but you did your best. you’re so strong for getting through that part of your life. forgive yourself. you did the best you could when you were hurting, and it may have clouded your view on yourself and others, but you are not who you were. you’re only human; forgive yourself.

this got long, but you did ask for an info dump LOL! i hope this may be to help you or someone else, or give a little advice. either way, thank you for the question and for reading if you made it this far!!!

#ask #mental health #recovery #ask to tag #long post

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apex-academy · 3 years

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Chapter 5: Caring Is a Hazard to Your Health (#16)

Thankfully I run into a couple people by suppertime, so I get a better idea of what the heck is going on. 8:00 in the arcade. All right. Still don’t know what the heck we’re playing, but my video game experience is limited, anyway. Most of my free time goes to another game.

Still, I can’t find a good enough excuse to turn down the invitation, so I might as well go for it. At least make sure nobody makes trouble.

Because that worked out so well at the concert.

“...”

Can I please stop doing that. Today is today. Yesterday is yesterday. So on and so forth. Just focus on today.

I make my way to the arcade. I’m a little late, but it doesn’t look like they’ve started. Everyone showed up, too, looks like. More than I can say for some of our events. This time we can all easily fit in one room, though.

Today.

The overhead lights are off. I shut the door behind me, but it doesn’t disguise my entry.

“Miss Kogamino!! I’m glad you made it!”

“Yup.”

“It seems most of us haven’t played the game before, so we’ll all have a little time in practice mode to get used to the controls before we start a match!”

“I didn’t get to ask this morning, but do you play?”

I look to the screen where Mahavir is attempting to steer some blue-suited guy around. It doesn’t look familiar.

“No.”

“All right! We’ll make sure you get a little time, then.”

I’m summarily dragged—well, I don’t actually move enough to call it that, but someone sure does take my arm—away by another force.

“Oh, oh, Kakumi!”

Why are all these cheerful people here.

“What?”

Ichiriki bounces in front of the air hockey table. Or, I think that’s what it is. It’s been covered with some kind of board and a tablecloth, and bowls of something I can’t see well in the dark dot its surface.

“We have snacks while you’re waiting! They’re super good, I promise!”

“You made them?”

“Oh, no...”

“It was me... I’m glad he's excited about them, though...”

“Right...”

Everyone else has already found conversation partners, so I stick with the table. My eyes are slowly getting accustomed to the distant, multicolored lighting of video game screens, but everything keeps shifting enough it’s still hard to get a good view. All of these kind of look like popcorn, though?

“They’re all different flavors!”

“Gack!”

Thankfully I haven’t grabbed a paper plate yet, because I would have dropped it.

“Oh, sorry! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Please don’t jump directly in front of people?”

“Okey-dokey artichokey!”

“..............” I really don’t know why I’m here right now.

Apparently that whole ordeal gave Yuki time to catch up.

“Two are savory, and two are sweet... I can tell you what all of them are...”

“...or you can be surprised if you think that’s fun. Hummmmm...”

“Uh, I’ll be surprised, I guess?”

“Okay...”

Not sure I think it’s fun, but I don’t care enough to make conscious choices here, so. I find the paper plates—bowls, actually, all the better—and throw a couple handfuls of whatever in. Very sanitary.

...I get the distinct feeling Aidan got first dibs on these and has no intention of getting anywhere near this table again.

I find myself an empty folding chair and park it. My first shot at the popcorn gets me... I’m not sure what flavor it is, but it’s definitely salty. Didn’t think to grab a drink. Guess I’ll do that at some point.

Somehow, in the dark, a shadow falls across me.

“I see the dark one has arrived.”

...That’s me. Right. Why can't anyone in this place just use my name?

“And you’re here, too. Congratulations.”

“Y’ ready t’ get wrecked, brah?”

“...”

“C’mon, y’ can’t come t’ a competition ‘nd not trash talk.”

“Tsunyasha doesn’t even play video games, though, so it doesn’t seem fair to rag on her.”

“Oh, rest assured, my skills are lacking in nothing, whelp.”

“See? That’s more like ‘t.”

“I'm not even familiar with the game we’re playing.”

“Actual skill shouldn’t have anything t’ do with ‘t.”

“...”

“Oh, hey. I keep meaning to ask, is it really okay for Kanagi to be walking around with her ankle hurt?”

“ ‘m not the boss ‘f her.”

“Do you know who Kanagi is?”

“ ‘m bad with names.”

“Notebook’s in your surfboard.”

“Awesome.”

He stoops to go figure that out, again. Tsunyasha looks over him and scoffs.

“What a strange little farce he maintains.”

“Do you think he’s faking it, or are you just calling it amusing?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Yes? That’s why I asked.”

Kaichi un-retreats, notebook in hand, before she can say anything else. As if she was ever going to clarify, anyway.

“Y’ said Kanagi?”

“Yeah.”

“ ‘s high enough t’ be safe t’ walk on, yeah. Should still rest it more ‘n usual, though.”

“Has she been resting?”

“Uh...”

Not sure he has notes on that. Thankfully it’s easy enough to find Kanagi herself. She’s crouched by the skee-ball section, which appears to be where they put the drinks.

Would it have killed them to bring in an actual table?

...Poor wording. Anyway.

“Hey, Kanagi.”

“ ‘Sup.”

Aside from her ankle being wrapped up, I don’t notice anything particularly different about how she’s standing, at least.

“Have you been resting your ankle enough?”

“Dude, it’s fine. I’ve totally walked on worse.”

“...Is this why your other ankle is messed up?”

“...”

“Like, I’ll be sitting for the games, anyway, so. That’s rest, right?”

“Technically?”

“Y’ should ‘t least keep it up on a chair ‘r something, yeah?”

“C’mon, dude. I haven’t seen you doing that for yours.”

He shrugs.

“I constantly forget ‘s anything wrong with ‘t, so.”

“ ‘s not like I’ve been doing laps every morning.”

“I think.”

“Yeah, that might give you a pass.”

Before anybody else can give each other grief, Mahavir steps up next to me and clears his throat.

“What?”

“I believe Doppler said it was your turn to practice the game controls.”

“Ah, right.” Guess I’d better get to that.

Might as well grab a drink while I’m here. Can’t say I trust these people not to spill everything before I can come back.

[BACK] [NEXT]

#apexplot #apex5 #fangan ronpa

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fairydust-stuff · 4 years

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Bosses of China Town

Banana Fish has a lot of awesome characters but I want to talk about the China Town gang bosses. I was originally going to talk about just Shorter, but he’s one of those characters who took a back seat until shortly before his own death. So I figured I could talk about Sing as well just to extend things a bit. Also I strongly disagree with the Sing is just another Shorter Wong, argument because these two have very different mindsets.

Shorter Wong is first introduced in the Short story “Angel Eyes” the first shot we get of him is Shorter writing his sister Nadia a letter. Ash is brought to the juvenile detention center and Shorter is assigned the responsibility of watching him. “That’s why I wanna put him in Block A with you. You got things under control over there” (pg. 45). This line from the guy in charge tells us Shorter has some authority over the other guys and deals with situations before things get out of hand. From the get go Shorter is presented as a leader who handles things before they get out of control.

Shorter’s first impulse is to try to be friendly towards Ash showing him around while warning the other guys not to try anything when they cat call Ash. “I’m supposed to look after you here, so you need any help with stuff or whatever shoot” (pg. 51). This shows that Shorter takes his responsibility towards Ash very seriously. It’s also kind of interesting how Shorter doesn’t like him at first referring to Ash as a brat in his head and even feeling wary of him. When two guys get into a fight over who gets to claim Ash. Shorter ends the fight by saying “You can duke it out with me Frankie” judging by the fact the guys back off, Shorter is not the kind of guy you want to fight. He also mentions Frankie tried to sexually assault him but Shorter fought him off emphasizing that he’s a good fighter.

There’s also a bit of a duel personality since Shorter tells Ash to let Frankie rape him but thinks about how practical or not this is awful advice and feels ashamed of saying this. “But his eyes said if you can’t or won’t help me, keep your big mouth shut and leave me alone!”(pg. 67). Shorter’s ability to realize Ash is a rape victim show he’s perceptive and suggests he has been exposed to these kinds of stories numerous times. Shorter even casually asks if Ash was arrested for child prostitution. He also tells off the guys for trying to obtain Ash even though he told Ash to just let it happen. This shows Shorter can’t bring himself to let Ash get raped again. Later Ash challenges Frankie and defeats him easily later he tells Shorter he got the idea to challenge the other guy because of him “I didn’t decide to go easy on him but I know how thanks to you” (pg. 83). Ash informs Shorter. This causes Shorter to become rather scared of Ash.

Later its revealed Ash faked sexual interest in one of the other juvie boys to find out if Frankie was actually an assassin sent to kill him. Shorter calls him out for being a user to which Ash gets testy and reminds the other boy Ricardo wanted to use him for sex. Shorter retorts with “Don’t play games with people’s feelings! Cuz if you do that- you’re no different from those assholes you hate!” (108). this seems to be something Ash kind of forgets later on, but this exchange causes Ash to reveal his honest feelings about being objectified, which Shorter listen’s to. I know fans get wrapped in how special Eiji is to Ash and I’m not denying that however Eiji was not the first person to treat Ash with kindness, it was actually Shorter who was the first person to treat Ash like a person. Shorter was the first guy who listened to Ash and dared call him out.

“Angel Eyes” characterizes Shorter as the kind of guy who tries to be practical, but due to his compassion often goes against what makes sense in favor of what he believes is right. This trait of Shorter’s shows up again in Banana Fish vol 4. It’s revealed here that Shorter works under the Chinese Mafia. Hua lee asks Shorter to spy on Ash and his group. “Forget it Ash is my friend and I don’t stab my friends in the back!” (146 pg.) he declares. However, Shorter does agree to work with the Lee’s because Hua gets in his head. “Beautiful words but remember Ash is a white punk and you and I share the same proud heritage” (146). This is important because it seems to imply Shorter’s has a misplaced sense of nationalism.

This is further elaborated on in a conversation between Yut Lung and Shorter, where Yut reminds Shorter of the bloody history of the Chinese families in power. “Often of their own relatives their own children our ancestors in the ruling family of the Ching Dynasty committed murder and assassination” (153). As I stated in my previous piece “The Flying Boy and the Snake” Yut often acts as a guide that encourages other characters to look at the less pleasant aspects of their situation. This suggests that Shorter views his own cultural heritage and the Chinese Mafia in an idealized way. He does not see the complexities of a very complicated cultural history with both good and bad points. Shorter’s idealization is further emphasized by him telling Yut they like Eiji “Because he’s innocent and honest” which is actually a really simplistic view of who Eiji is as a person.

Shorter’s reaction is to pull a knife on Yut because once he finds out the Lee’s are working for Dino his image of them shatters. “I was raised to respect you! To look up to the Lee family” (180). It’s implied that Shorter and his family as American immigrants wanted to view someone as being on their side. “It’s because of the Lee Family that we can be safe here. That we can live and put down roots in this feign soil because the Lee’s are here to protect us” Shorter laments. Though Shorter, Banana Fish seems to express a kind of wary ness towards the idea of complete loyalty to one’s own kind at the expense of everyone else. The Mob is the mob and cultural heritage doesn’t erase that Banana Fish argues. “You’re no better than Papa Dino! Just another Mob! Leeches who live off the blood of others” (181) Shorter declares. These are the kinds of loyalties that bind gangs and mafia together blood, and where you come from your ethnicity from are often manipulation tactics used by those in power to control and use others to their benefit.

Shorter despite dying horribly does so because he goes against what he was taught for the first time in his life. “I’ll protect Eiji with my own life. I won’t let them hurt him”(pg. 31) Shorter declares in vol 5. Trying to protect Eiji no matter how fruit ness it seems is all he can do at this point. While he ultimately fails to shelter Eiji and has him forcefully snatched from his arms. This does show that Shorter has learned the hard way to place friendship above nationalism.

Though unintentionally or not there’s still kind of a flawed ideology in the fact Shorter vows to an unconscious Eiji he’ll kill him to preserve his innocence. “If Dino tries to make you into his pet I’ll take you out before you know what’s happening” (69). Shorter has more traditional values and maybe that’s the point. Shorter’s death maybe a symbolic representation of older pro mafia attitudes rooted in nationalism and blood ties dying out.

After a couple of re watches and rereads of the manga, I realized Sing had to be brought in because despite being Shorter’s successor. Sing Soo ling does things differently from Shorter. Sing offers to team up with Ash’s former gang members to take Dino’s manor. “Our suits did a deal with Dino Golzine but that’s got nothing to do with us” (pg. 179). While Shorter idealized the Lee’s, Sing refers to them as the suits viewing them as a kind of beaurcracy whose dealings are far removed from his gang.

He also shows himself to be more practical then Shorter wanting to actually make a plan before attacking Golzine’s manor. “We’re here to rescue our respective bosses. If we don’t know where we can attack from and how to get out we’ll just die like dogs. And I sure as hell don’t plan on committing mass suicide with you guys” (pg. 50). Sing informs them. Later when he’s told Ash killed Shorter, Sing wants to wait to hear Ash out and receive an explanation. When Ash won’t give him one Sing reverts to rules of the street and tries to take him out.

Later when Sing joins Yut in his helicopter he admits they only reason he put up with the Lee’s bossing them around was out of respect for Shorter. “Because we’re sick and tired of em that’s why! The old guys and all their deals (172). In contrast to Shorter who in Yut’s own words respected his elders. Sing has a disgust for a traditional older generation who he finds oppressive due to their backroom deals that screw people like him and Shorter over.

It’s also of note how Sing behaves towards Yut in contrast to Shorter. While Shorter agreed to obey Yut because of his name and showed subservience towards him at first. His protégée flat out questions Yut a lot. “Or do you just think the lower class doesn’t need know?”(128). In Vol 9 Sing tells Yut “Look I know you saved before but that doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do with it (Pg. 74). Sing is fine working with Yut but he doesn’t want to be his lackey and makes that very clear. When Yut is taken hostage by Eiji in vol 10. Sing goes after them in contrast to Yut’s bodyguard who yells that he’s going against master’s orders. Sing chooses to save rather than obey by going after them. “In case you never noticed I don’t take orders from him!”(pg. 18).

However Sing shares Shorter’s sense of compassion when he realizes Yut wants Eiji to shoot him he tries to communicate with him only to be shut out and told to leave. Sing responds by saying “Easy to say, harder to do” (pg. 31). This implies he doesn’t want to leave Yut but realizes that Eiji is running around a dangerous neighborhood at night and that takes priority. Sing saves Eiji from attempted rapists and nurses him back to health, giving him a safe place to stay. He also saves Yut again later on from an assassin even after he’s cut ties with him.

In vol 13 Sing later follows in Shorter’s footsteps by going against Yut when he finds out he’s working with Golzine. “ If your going to keep up this little partnership of yours- I might end up giving that Japanese kid some backup”(pg. 95). However, it’s not so much a sense of morals it’s more of a street code. If Yut wasn’t working with the guys who killed Shorter I honestly doubt Sing would care. “ Golzine’s the one who was giving Arthur orders and he’s the one who gave Shorter that drug”(pg. 95) Sing emphasizes. I just want to point out it’s not a conflict of morality but one of interests between the two of them. Sing likes Yut but he has obligations as boss to avenge Shorter. Sing’s role as boss often conflicts with his personal feelings. He is obligated to fight Ash to avenge Shorter in the eyes of his gang and must perform this function. Yet its clear Sing does not want to fight Ash not only because he doesn’t want to die but as Sing tells Lao in vol 14 “ The only one who can keep a lid on the downtown turf is Ash got that!” (pg. 53). Sing is the out of all the main bosses the one who thinks of the bigger picture beyond revenge and basic power plays.

Sing is much more concerned with the safety of his gang. Later in vol 15 he wakes up at Ash’s hideout and his first concern is his guys even though Sing himself is injured. “ Because it ain’t your buddies that’re gonna be skinned alive!”(pg. 117). This takes priority for him over who has the most power or pursuit of revenge. Unlike the Lee’s Sing cares about his own people even though it’s never at the expense of other individuals. This is what turns him aginst Yut since the other boy targets others out of jealousy. However unlike Ash, Sing does not pursue revenge in the end. As depicted in vol 16, when Ash gives Sing an out not to fight him Sing takes it. He also can’t bring himself to shoot Yut lung in vol 18 despite his betrayal. “ Cuz your hurt your soul’s bleeding even now”(174) Sing says.

Interestingly enough, Sing claims he too is responsible for the invasion of China Town “ But the bad blood between us created an opening for the Vietnamese and Arbs and I guess that’s my fault as well as yours”(171). This suggests that Banana Fish lays the blame of corruption at the feet of feuding authority figures and that maybe Sing’s rule of the street. As Sing reminds Yut like it or not “ Your still our leader” and convinces the lee heir to help him fix China town since “ China towns gone to the dogs people can’t even walk around safely in broad daylight”(173). These are the reasons it’s Sing and not Shorter who is the one to repair China town. Shorter is a relatively good person, at least by these series standards with a lot of empathy. However he was too willing to bend to the Lee’s whims and never question and challenge anything they did. Even before Shorter is injected with Banana Fish it’s heavily implied he’s given up hope entirely. Thinking the best scenario is for him to kill Eiji and then himself. Shorter exits being used as a tool to get to Ash and anger him being put down like a dog to end his suffering. Sing represents a newer generation that didn’t absorb fully nationalist ideas and loyalty to the mafia.

While he does still value his own ethnic group and their needs he questions whether the Lee’s are what’s best for the citizens of China Town. Even when he’s willing to work with Yut, Sing makes it clear he’s not going to be a blind lacky. Sing when faced with the messy reality of Chinatown crumbling due to his and Yut’s feud tries to repair the rift between them. He is in the position do something since Sing post phoned and eventually decided not to die because of some honor bound purpose. At the end of the day Sing chooses to survive, repair and unite the different fractions for a common goal. However Sing was very much inspired by and driven by the empathy, sense of responsibility and love he learned from Shorter these are the same lessons Sing teaches Yut. I think both Shorter and Sing have their flaws and both bosses ideologies loyalty to one’s own kind above all else and street code can both be downright be toxic when taken to extremes but I think both are equally well written characters and important to understanding Banana Fish’s theme of unity in the face of oppression.

Citations Yoshida, Akimi. Banana Fish Vol 3. Shogakukan inc,1987 Yoshida,Akimi.Banana Fish Vol 4. Shogakukan inc,1987 Yoshida,Akimi.Banana Fish Vol 5. Shogakukan inc,1987 Yoshida,Akimi. Banana Fish Vol 6. Shogakukan inc,1987 Yoshida, Akimi. Banana Fish Vol 9. Shogakukan inc,1987 Yoshida, Akimi. Banana Fish Vol 10. Shogakukan inc,1987 Yoshida, Akimi.Banana Fish Vol 13. Shogakukan inc, 1987 Yoshida, Akimi. Banana Fish Vol 14. Shogakukan inc,1987 Yoshida,Akimi.Banana Fish Vol 15. Shogakukan inc, 1987 Yoshida,Akimi.Banana Fish Vol 16. Shogakukan inc, 1987 Yoshida,Akimi.Banana Fish Vol 18. Shogakukan inc, 198

#Banana Fish #sing soo ling #shorter wong #Yut lung #ash linx #eiji okumura #character essay

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bazypitchandsimonsnow · 4 years

Text

I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

Rating: M

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 4964

Summary: Simon is on a blind date, but there’s this guy who keeps catching his attention. Based on “I’m going to save you from this bad date” request from @krisrix and “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor” by Arctic Monkeys.

Read on AO3

AN: Hello, I am back after a reluctant prolonged absence. My health has been in the shitter. Bad headaches, little sleep, and low energy all suck. This is M rated to be safe but there isn’t really anything explicit, just implied sex and a lot of horniness lol. Hopefully you all like it :D (Edit for Tumblr: something fucked up and deleted the read more break. I'm on my phone rn but I'll fix it when I get home. Sorry!)

———————————————

Simon

“This is a terrible idea,” I say again.

“It is not,” Penny replies, plucking lint off my shirt. “My friend says she’s really sweet and you two might get along.”

“And that matters because…?”

“Because you can’t stay cooped up at home. Time for you to go out and meet the world.” I blow air between my lips. “Don’t do your horse impression in front of her.”

I narrow my eyes. “Is setting me up on a blind date a way to vicariously fix your romantic life by fixing mine?”

“No, Mr. I Took One Psych Course.” I keep glaring at her. Penny’s shoulders fall slightly. “Okay, maybe. But I also think you two might be a good fit. So at least give it a shot, alright?”

I sigh heavily, shoving my hands in my pockets. “One drink.”

She grins brightly. “Awesome. I’ll be waiting back at the flat. Don’t stay too late.”

“I won’t. Bye, Pen.”

“Bye, Si.” She presses a kiss to my cheek then walks off smiling.

The second she’s out of sight, I slump forward with a groan. I don’t think she heard the resignation in my voice. Honestly, I really don’t want to do this. But I’m doing this for Penny, because she’s sad and I love her.

Ever since Micah broke up with her (arsehole), Penny has put the excess energy she used to waste on him into other things, including me. Guess if she can’t have a partner, she wants me to have one. Sure, I wouldn’t mind being with someone, it just hasn’t been a priority between uni and my mental health. Both are still not really great. I should be studying or something, but Pen says one night away won’t kill my GPA. She’s rarely ever wrong, hope she isn’t now. Hope this isn’t a total disaster…

I walk up to the nightclub door. It’s neon purple with a burly man at the entrance. I gulp down the lump in my throat. God, why am I so nervous? It’s just a date. This won’t kill me. I can do this. I won’t burst into flames no matter how much it feels like I will any fucking moment.

The burly man looks at me, the weirdo just standing six feet away from the door. “You going in or what, kid?”

I nod furiously. “Yeah, yeah, I am.”

He holds out his hand. “Fifteen pounds, please.”

My eyes bug out. I expect him to start laughing, but he stays stone faced. “Fifteen bloody quid?! Are you kidding me?!”

“Nope. Pay up or leave.”

I growl and pull out my wallet. I slap the bills in his hand. “Fucking rip off.”

“I don’t make the rules, mate.” He puts the money in his back pocket and lifts the black velvet rope. “Welcome to Club Violet.”

“Thanks,” I grumble. Fifteen fucking quid. What am I, the Queen?

Club Violet absolutely lives up to its name. The whole place is different shades of glowing purple. It’s like if Queen Victoria opened a royal dance club. People shake and jump in a huge sweaty clump on the main dance floor while techno pop blares around us. It’s actually a pretty good song. Wish it wasn’t so loud though. There’s metal stairs with a chrome railing leading to the upper level. I check my texts again. Okay, so she’ll be at the upper bar, wearing a shiny pink dress. Cool, cool, I can find her.

I push through some giggling dancers and a couple snogging against the wall to get to the stairs. The top level is less crowded, mostly just people talking with their heads very close together. They’re smiling, giggling, kissing. They look happy. My heart aches a bit. Huh, I actually miss that, more than I thought than I did. This might not be such a bad idea.

The bar is nestled at the back of the floor. Bartenders in posh black shirts and vests shake those silver shakers I’ve seen in Bond movies. And at the front of the bar, stirring a margarita is a blonde woman in a bright pink, sparkly dress. Okay, deep breath, you can do this.

I walk towards her, head held high. I stand next to her. She has a pretty face and golden brown eyes. Let’s hope this goes well.

“Uh, hi,” I say with only a little nervous hitch. “Agatha, right?”

She turns her head. Her mouth pulls up slightly. Not a smile, but almost, I guess. “Yeah. And you’re Simon?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

We stand in awkward silence for awhile. My body and mouth feel utterly paralyzed with unsureness. She seems just as confused. Guess it’s been a very long time for both of us. I stumble forward onto a cushy violet stool.

“You wanna drink?” I ask.

Agatha holds up her barely empty margarita. “I think I’ll finish this one first, thank you.”

My cheeks heat up. I hope they’re not visible under the lowlight. “Uh, y-yeah, makes sense. I guess I’ll get one just for me then…”

I wave at the bartender. They walk over with an extremely fake customer service smile. “How may I help you?”

“Can I get a…um…” I look at the drinks menu. It’s filled with weird punny names with liquors I don’t know. It makes my head hurt. I slap the menu down on the counter. “Pint of Guinness, please?”

“Sure, coming up,” they say and walk off.

I turn to Agatha with a sheepish smile. “I like to keep things simple.”

“I can see that.” She takes a sip of her margarita. Her lipstick is a nice shade of soft pink. She has good taste in makeup at least.

“So, um, Pen mentioned you were in third year at University of London. What program are you doing?”

“Veterinary medicine at the royal college.”

“Oh wow, that’s cool. You wanna be a vet?”

She nods, swirling the drink in her hand. A small smile plays on her mouth for the first time. “Yeah. I hope to take care of horses.”

A small shiver runs down my spine. “Wow, um…sounds interesting.”

Her head tilts to the side in confusion. “Something wrong?”

“No, no. It sounds amazing. I just don’t have a good history with horses.” Her eyebrows pull together. “A police horse nearly trampled me when I was seven. Been a bit jittery around them ever since.”

Agatha nods thoughtfully. “Hm, I see. You probably did something to provoke the horse though, they don’t hurt people for no reason.”

My cheeks heat up, but from embarrassment unfortunately. “Oh…you’d know better than me I guess…”

Agatha takes a long sip of her drink in lieu of words. My pint of Guinness arrives on time. I take two big gulps, reveling in the distracting burn. I try to look literally anywhere else. There’s a neon purple flower on the wall. I see three people dancing together, smiling and laughing. I’m not usually a fan of dancing but they look like they’re having fun. I spot on a presumed couple sipping on the same fancy cocktail together. My eyes flick to Agatha. She’s staring straight ahead, totally uninterested in me. So y gaze keeps drifting, until it meets someone else’s. And I nearly choke on my beer.

Holy fucking shit, he’s staring at me. A gorgeous guy with reddish-gold skin, wavy black hair, and piercing grey eyes is looking right at me with a devilish smirk on his lips. He’s wearing very fitting black skinny jeans and a short sleeved dark shirt. Well, technically he’s wearing a shirt, but it’s unbuttoned all the way to his navel so I don’t know if it counts. His beautiful eyes wander over me again and again, smirk slowly growing. Why is he staring at me? What the hell makes me so interesting? Is it getting hotter in here?

“Simon?”

I snapped back to reality from the deep sea grey induced daze. “What?”

Agatha’s brow is all pulled together. I can’t tell if it’s out of confusion or concern. “Are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah, I-I’m fine.” I take another drink of my beer. “So, what else do you like?”

Agatha shrugs and goes back to looking at her drink. “I play lacrosse.”

“Yeah? Is that fun?”

“It is, until someone shoves you to the ground.”

I let out a small laugh. Agatha does the same, but quickly goes back to stirring her drink with a neutral expression. “What do you do? For fun, that is.”

“Um, some stuff…” I scratch my chin. This is harder than I thought. “I like gaming, fencing, baking, watching Dr. Who. That’s pretty much it.”

“Baking sounds fun.”

“Yeah it is!” I turn towards her with the brightest grin. “I’m learning this new technique for making scones. It makes a much lighter pastry, but it’s hard to get the same flavour, y’know? I’m trying to figure out how to compensate for that. I’ve been trying fresh ingredients, pure oils, lots of stuff. But really-”

I stop when I realise Agatha is looking at me with utter confusion. Right, not everyone understands baking science, or wants to know. I turn away from her and drink down the rest of my beer. It won’t help though. First year uni gave me quite a tolerance. I stare at the empty glass, swishing around the last bits of foam.

“So, how’s school going?” That’s a safe question, right?

“Oh it’s going fine.” Agatha replies. “There’s actually this one class I’m taking.”

She starts talking about her animal biology class. I try to listen, I really do, but my attention span is notoriously short. My eyes drift, and soon fall on raven hair.

The man isn’t staring at me anymore. He’s looking off to the side. I tilt my head slightly to the side. He’s talking to someone, a red haired man with a sly smile. They’re giggling and whispering together. My stomach feels weird. Must’ve had something bad for lunch. My eyes drag over him more carefully this time. He’s quite thin. Wait, no, not thin, lean. There’s strong muscles in his calves and upper arms, and his stomach looks very tight. I wonder how he got those. Football maybe? I could see that. Him running across the field at lightspeed, stealing the ball easily with his strong legs, flying across the field with ruthless grace. Part of me just really wants to see how he moves.

My eyes move back, only to meet Gorgeous Guy’s. Oh fuck, he’s looking right at me again. I can feel myself blush as I go rigid. His mouth pulls into that smirk again. It fits too perfectly on his sharp face, like he was designed to look so cocky and beautiful at the same time. My face feels so fucking hot right now. Damn clubs, no air conditioning.

“And that’s why you have to be very careful when treating young horses.” I refocus back on Agatha’s voice. She’s looking at me, gesturing with one and stirring the margarita with the other. I nod thoughtfully like I’m not an arsehole and I’ve been paying attention this whole time.

“That’s really cool, yeah,” I say. “You’re really into this stuff.”

“Of course, it’s my future career.”

My cheeks go redder. Between Agatha and Gorgeous Guy, I’m pretty much a tomato by now. “R-Right, course.”

We stare at each other. The awkwardness is so thick you could slice it in half. God, why am I so much worse at this than normal? My normal is pretty shit so that’s a real feat. There’s no flow or spark. I don’t think this is working at all. But I don’t know how to leave without being a total dickhead. What could I even say? “Sorry but I don’t find you interesting enough to keep talking to you, I have to go.” ’ Instead I’m silent as a statue and more awkward than a fourteen year old at a school dance.

Agatha is drinking down the last of her margherita. I look pointedly away from her. And my eyes happen drift back to the guy. He’s still with the ginger bloke. It’s hard to tell if they’re talking or dancing. Maybe it’s both. Gorgeous Guy’s thin lips are moving slowly. His hips are swaying slightly, the curves of his body showing well through the tight jeans. I’m fixated by the way he moves. It’s seamless and graceful yet so strong. He looks good dancing, even just a little. I wonder how he’d look if he was truly moving to the beat, swaying his lean body with purpose. He’s not looking at me this time. I kinda wish he would, honestly.

“I’m going to the toilet,” Agatha announces. She’s out of her seat and walking away before I can get a word out. Alright then.

I look at my glass, rolling the remaining foam back and forth. My mind is being way too chaotic for me to think straight, so I’m trying not to think at all. I just watch the white bubbles, back and forth, back and forth, just like that guy’s hips. I wonder-

“Hello,” a smooth voice says to my right. “How are you?”

I turn my head and nearly choke on my own tongue. It’s him. Gorgeous Guy. He’s standing right there, leaning against the bar with his hip cocked out, looking at me with that smirk and dazzling eyes. And I’m completely frozen.

“H-Hi,” I finally get out. “I’m, uh, fine. H-How are you?”

“I’m alright. May I ask you something?”

“Um, sure.”

“Are you on a date with the woman who just left?”

I scratch at my wrist, looking to the side in the vain hope he doesn’t see my blush. “Uh, sort of, I guess.”

The guy raises an eyebrow without moving any other part of his face. It’s very impressive. “Usually that’s a yes or no question.”

“Yeah, I know,” I chuckle awkwardly. “We’re supposed to be on a blind date, but I don’t think it’s going well.”

“Hm, yes, I assumed that when you kept staring at me over her shoulder.”

As if I wasn’t a tomato face before. I think my flush has reached the bottom of my neck. My mouth opens and closes like a stranded fish. His smirk only becomes more smug, and I find it so annoyingly attractive.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. “I’m sorry, that was rude a-and objectifying and I-”

“Did I say I disliked it? Remember, I made eyes at you first.” All the blood in my body rushes straight to my face. Gorgeous Guy leans closer. His long fingertips are nearly touching mine. “My name is Baz. What’s yours?”

“Simon.”

“Simon,” he echoes in his much, much sexier voice. “That’s a very pretty name.”

“T-Thanks. Your name is nice too.”

“Thank you.” Baz’s head tilts further to the side, showing off his long, graceful neck. “So, if your date is not going well, would you mind if I wanted to whisk you away from here?”

My eyes go wide and my heart starts beating double time. I’m not sure if it’s from the fear or the thrill of the idea. Do I really want that? When I look at Baz, all of him, I do. But could I do that to Agatha? Just because I’m not attracted to her doesn’t mean I should ditch her.

“Um, I-I do,” I say, “but I gotta go do something first. Wait here, please? I promise I’ll be back in a minute.”

Baz blinks rapidly. He looks like a very confused deer in the headlights.“Alright…”

With only a little fear, I reach forward and put my hand over his. He inhales sharply, and I swear, even in the lowlight, I see a blush on his face. “I just need to tell her I’m cutting the date short. I don’t wanna be a total arsehole. One minute and I’m all yours, I promise.”

That smirk comes back, but there’s something softer in his eyes. Less dagger like, more a pretty cloud on an overcast day. “Alright. One minute, I’ll hold you to that.”

I grin brightly. “Awesome.”

I squeeze his hand, and surprisingly, he squeezes back. I take one last look at him before dashing off like a madman.

I’m very lucky that in a dark club like this, the toilet signs have to be very bright to see. The woman’s toilet is on the far left of the upper deck. Not too far, but there’s a crowd of people between me and my destination. I push through the other night club goers, some wobbling, most swearing at me. Unfortunately I can’t explain to them that I need to tell my blind date that our date has to end so I can go hang out with an incredibly handsome man who for some reason is attracted to me. I’m not sure I could explain this to anyone and sound sane. I don’t care. Baz is waiting for me back at the bar. I’ll push through every one of these people to get back to him.

When I reach the toilet, I immediately spot a pink dress near the wall. Agatha is bent over her phone, blue light illuminating her pensive face. She’s typing really fast. I speed walk like a bloody madman.

“Agatha!” I call out. Her head snaps up.

“Oh, Simon,” she says, sounding far more shocked than I thought she would be.

“Hey, hey, sorry for barging up. Just, uh, we need to talk.”

“Okay…”

I scratch the back of my neck like some awkward teenager. “Um, look, I’m sorry I’m being an arsehole. You’re nice and very pretty, but I don’t think this date is working out. We’re just not…clicking, I guess. Which sucks but it’s alright. I-I just hope we can still be friends…”

Agatha blinks a few times at me. I wait for her to storm off or yell or something. Instead, she just smiles softly and nods. “Alright, yeah. I agree. I don’t think we’re a good fit as a couple.”

All of the tension drains from my body. “Really?”

“Yeah, really. I think you’re nice too, but it’s not going to work out. Maybe friends could better.”

“Yeah, yeah definitely. Wanna get coffee sometime? As friends?”

“I’d like that.” Her phone buzzes. She looks down and sighs. “I have to go. My friend Minty is here to pick me up.”

“Oh, okay.” The gears start turning in my head, and my eyebrows pull together. “Wait, were you just going to leave?”

Agatha looks down, probably to hide the embarrassed expression on her face. “Honestly, yeah. I didn’t want to make things awkward. I’m not good at saying goodbye to people…”

I’ll admit, it hurts a bit. But I also get it. I hated saying anything as a kid, especially something awkward. And I don’t think it’s my place to berate her right now. I nod slowly. “Alright. Well, hope you have a good rest of your night.”

“You too.” She goes towards the stairs. One step down though, she looks over her shoulder with a little smile on her lips. “Have fun with that bloke. He looks cute.”

Before I can answer, she’s off down the staircase. My face is going to get stuck blushing this much. After only a moment of shock though, I dash back in the direction of the bar. I’ve never been more nervous than I have been speed walking back there. But when I see Baz, with his hips against the bar, fiddling with his phone, I sigh in utter relief.

I take a deep breath, trying to hide just how out of breath and eager I am. Be cool, Simon, be cool. I walk towards with what I hope is a badass swaggering walk. Bloody hell, I hope I don’t look stupid. I really hope I don’t fuck this up.

“Hey,” I say, “I’m back.”

Baz’s head snaps up. I like the way his hair falls in a lazy wave, like a waterfall made from raven wings. (That poetry book Penny got me for Christmas has really expanded my metaphors, wow.) That softer, nicer smirk comes back. I love it more than the arrogant one, actually.

“One minute and thirty eight seconds,” he replies in a playful tone. “You’re late.”

I chuckle and rub my neck. “Sorry. There’s a lot of people here.”

“I’m aware. I’ve been looking through them all night.” His fingertips touch mine, sending jolts up my entire arm. “Until you caught my eye like no else did.”

“Really?” My heart rate is going nuts. It’s not arrogant, well, not totally. Everyone’s a little vain, after all.

“Mhm.” His hand moves slowly up my arm, stopping just above my wrist. “Blue eyes, bronze curls, tawny skin with constellations of freckles and moles. You were like the sun in this dark nightclub. How could I not be entranced?”

“O-oh.” All words have fled my tongue. Baz’s sweet voice and words have melted my brain into pure mush.

Baz’s hand moves further. His thumb traces tiny, wonderful circles on my upper forearm. He’s got these slight calluses that I can’t get enough of. “You have no idea how much I wanted to come up and talk to you right away.”

I pout slightly. “Why didn’t you?”

He chuckles and shakes his head. I like the way his hair moves. “Because you were with someone, Simon. I didn’t notice her until after you started talking to her again. I wasn’t going to be that arse who stole someone’s date.”

“And yet you offered to whisk me away a few minutes ago.”

“Well,” he sighs, tracing patterns lazily on the inside of my elbow, “I tried to ignore you, I really did, but my eyes kept drifting to you. I didn’t think your date was going well but I still wasn’t going to intrude. I distracted myself instead.”

I frown deeply. “That redhead bloke.”

“Yes, Lamb. He approached me but I welcomed him.” His face becomes sly and devilish. The expression is eerily, like his face was made for scheming. “Were you jealous?”

I gulp down a large lump in my throat, unintentionally biting down on my bottom lip. From the way Baz watches my mouth I think he likes it quite a bit. “Maybe a little…”

“Mm, good to know.” Baz tilts his head, showing off that damn neck again. Is he doing that on purpose? “I’ll admit I was jealous. I desperately wished to be in your date’s place. When I glanced over a few times, I saw things may not have been going well. So when she left…”

“You jumped at the chance?”

“Precisely.”

I grin ear to ear. It’s strange to think I’d be so wanted by someone that they’d wait to talk to me, but I don’t dislike it. Especially when they’re as pretty as Baz. I move forward this time, touching his forearm. His hands may be rough, but the rest of his skin is impossibly soft.

“I’m glad you did,” I say quietly. “I’m glad I got to meet you.”

Baz smiles too. It’s not arrogant, but genuinely happy and bright. “Me too. I thought you were gorgeous, but now I also know that you’re the kind of guy to make sure he says goodbye to his blind date, even when it didn’t work out. Who knew the gorgeous man would turn out to be kind too?”

Once again, I am lost for words. I mean, what do you say to that? Glad you noticed? Arrogant. You too? Weird. Thank you? I guess, still feels awkward. It seems me gaping mouth is good enough for Baz, because he’s still smiling. He brings up his other hand and traces his rough thumb on my chin, just under my bottom lip. Dear Lord, I really want him to move it a little bit up.

“So I’m wondering,” he drawls, “if you would be so kind as to do something for me.”

“What?” I almost say “anything,” but that’s just a little too desperate.

“Would you please follow me downstairs? Because ever since I saw you, I’ve thought about how lovely you would look on the dance floor.”

Is my brain dribbling out my ears? Because it bloody well feels like it. Baz’s skin may be cold but he’s burning me to a crisp. And I really don’t mind.

“I-I can’t dance,” I whisper. I want him to know what a mess he’s getting into when he’s with me.

“No matter.” His thumb actually touches my lip. A harsh, beautiful shudder moves through my spine. “I bet you’ll still look gorgeous.” He tugs on my wrist with his other hand. “Shall we?”

All I can do is nod. Baz grins devilishly. He slowly weaves our fingers together one by one. Every touch threatens to make me burst into flames. “Then let’s go.”

Baz pulls me forward, and I happily trail behind him. We zig zag through all the sweaty people and soar down the spiral stairs. There’s some sort of techno remix of an eighties song. The singer keeps singing about a girl named Rio. (Weird name, but I don’t think I can talk much considering my last name is Snow.) Baz pulls us deep into the throng of dancing people. He finds us a small space in the middle of all of it. At first I think it’s too small, but when Baz presses almost his entire body against me, I quickly get the point. He puts his arms around my waist. I’m completely frozen.

“I still don’t know how to dance,” I shout in his ear.

Baz leans forward. His hot breath caresses my skin. “Put your arms on my shoulders, then follow me. It’s really easy. You just have to sway.”

I gulp and nod. I place my hands on his shoulders. They’re a bit boney but very nice. Baz slowly starts moving side to side. His hips move absolutely beautifully. He has perfect rhythm. He slowly sways to the thumping bass of the song while holding onto me tight, pressing us together so close. I can feel every part of him against every part of me. My eyes are glued to my hands on his shoulders. I’m pretty sure my entire fucking body is blushing now.

“You can move too,” Baz says. “Just follow me.”

I nod, even though I’m still unsure. I look down at his hips (holy fuck he’s hot) and try to copy him. Slowly, I move side to side, following him as best I can. I’m not as smooth and graceful as him of course. Baz helps, silently guiding me with his hands. We start moving in near perfect sync. And it feels absolutely amazing. Holy shit, is this grinding? I’ve never done it before, so if this is it, it’s bloody great.

My chest feels tight and breath is short, but in a good way. The fear and nerves are fading bit by bit. Slowly, I finally look away from my hand. I look at Baz’s face, and god, why haven’t I been looking at him the whole time? He looks even more gorgeous. The strobe lights perfectly illuminate the deep angles of his face. His hair falls in his face in a beautiful lazy wave. His eyes are absolutely dazzling, and they’re completely focused on me. He looks so good, somehow even better than before. My gaze flicks down to Baz’s lips. They’re hanging slightly open. The violet lights catch on them again and again. I can’t stop looking, and I don’t really want to.

I look up again, meeting Baz’s beautiful eyes. He’s looking down as well at my mouth. God, I want him to be thinking the same thing I am. My arms quickly wrap around his neck, fingers pressing into his soft skin. Baz inhales sharply. For a second I worry he’s going to shove me away. But instead, I feel him pull my waist even closer, fingers digging into my back through my t-shirt. Our faces are inches apart, moving closer without us even realising it. My nose touches his, just barely. We’re breathing the same air. Maybe, just maybe…. Oh, fuck it.

I lean forward and press my mouth to Baz’s.

It takes less than a second for Baz to kiss me back. There’s zero pretense or nervousness. We move our lips fervently, mutual desire completely obvious. Baz sticks his tongue down my throat at the same time I tug harshly on his hair. Thank god the music is too loud for anyone to hear our groans. He bites down on my bottom lip and I feel like I’m fucking melting and exploding and dying. I kiss him like it’s a fight, and he doesn’t give an inch. We match so well. It’s perfect. He’s perfect. God, I’m drowning in him, but I don’t want to come up for air.

Baz eventually, sadly, pulls away. He keeps his face close to mine. I study all the different colours in his eyes. I could do that forever.

“Want to get out of here?” he says. “I think I’d like to see you somewhere other than the dance floor now.”

I nod immediately. “Yeah, definitely, let’s go.”

Baz grins. It’s a mix between devilish charm and genuine giddy excitement. He grabs my hand, then we push through the throngs of people even faster than before. I can’t stop grinning for even a second.

We hop in a cab heading towards Canary Wharf. Baz takes me up to his flat, pins me down on his king sized bed, and proves once again that he is incredible with his hips.

All in all, a fantastic night.

———————————————

AN: Needless to say, a spring in Baz’s mattress breaks. Hope you liked it! Simon was a bit of an ass, yeah, but imo so is Agatha. In my mind they meet up later and talk properly without pressure to date awkwardness and they become really good friends. In the end they’re both happy. I liked writing this because I love the prompt and I love the song. Arctic Monkeys fucking rule. Hopefully my next fic will be out soon. Have a good day!

#carry on #snowbaz #simon snow #baz pitch #penelope bunce #agatha wellbelove #pining #night club #first meetings #simon is distracted by baz as usual #mysnowbazfic

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jeremy-ken-anderson · 4 years

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FFXV First Impressions

Impressions So Far (something like 2 hours in):

That opening scene of pushing the car was Actually Clever. It was trying to be clever, but if you succeed and ARE clever “trying to be clever” is allowed!

Running across open ground is a little boring. Definite “Open World-itis” there. They tried to mitigate by including fast travel back to your car. It...sort of mitigates it? But if you’re willing to shrink player perception of the space by including fast travel, then you should show less space and have more space implied.

Night is legit scary. One of the characters mentioned you needed to get in by dark because demons come out and I’m like, “Sure, but I’m an adventurer. Isn’t fighting demons my thing?” That night: I’m running around looking for a hunt target and the asphalt on the road in front of me starts boiling and then up pop a pair of red eyes (literally that’s all you can see of this thing if you’re not standing within 10′ of it). It’s an Iron Giant, and it is level thirty. At this point I am level three. I run. I run immediately and two of my friends still nearly die. I love how they handled night.

The conversation engine needed more time. It’s neat, and a lot of it is good, but it’s not good enough and like human face art it’s gotta be really great to fool humans because we’re used to focusing on it. Two hours in I’ve already hit two or three uncanny-valley type moments where people repeated lines - not just barks but whole conversations. When it’s barks it’s a person having a catch phrase. When it’s a conversation you’re suddenly watching Groundhog Day.

There are parts of this that remind me of the hashtags in KH3 - this weird and too-visible desire of the designers to incorporate some aspect of modern society and its relationship with media but it’s fallen apart because the media isn’t old enough (or the designer not prescient/deep enough) for the designer to conceive of how it really plays out, what it really means in a fantasy space. The mix of having digital GPS yet needing to get rumors about where stuff is on your local map from the local diners is...a weird choice.

When i realized you could mix any ol’ piece of junk you found lying around with your magic to make better magic? Yeah, that’s pretty hot. I wish the system had a faster cooldown for spells (As it is, spells are basically grenades you have to construct yourself before battle, using resources you only find in a couple locations - magic mining nodes, basically - plus whatever physical stuff you wanna combine with them. The magic nodes recharge daily, but you can only make 3 spell-grenades per grenade-slot and only get 4 grenade-slots as far as I can tell). Noctis, your main character, has MP, which should be WP because it’s used exclusively for Warping, at least so far in the game. Personally I think having to spend longer crafting a spell and then being able to use MP to cast it would be rockin’. Like, I would sit there farming up every possible combination of items and spell energy to fill out my spellbook. You could have crazy spells that use 3/4 of your mp gauge, and then you have to duck behind a rock to recover like a proper black mage would have to do and just...I don’t know, I had a similar response of “This was almost as awesome as the magic system I came up with just now that I haven’t tested” back when FFVIII came out. Who knows if my idea for a magic system would actually be any good in practice. It certainly feels good in my head, and frankly I appreciate how close this one came to awesome because this feeling of speculating about the one change to fix everything is really fulfilling for me.

I like the fact that there’s treasure points on your map, and food points on the map, and mining points on the map, but then every now and then you find something valuable that isn’t on the map. It makes wandering around feel just a little more rewarding - It’s better than the fast-travel system at making the open world feel like an okay decision.

I like how wide the range of survivability is! I ran from that level thirty Iron Giant, but I did a level ELEVEN hunt while I was still level THREE. Playing the fights well clearly matters.

I also really like the system for wounds! Basically you have a third score. Normal games have Max HP and Current HP. This game adds in “Current Max HP” which can be between the two. If you get knocked to 0 Current HP your character’s seriously injured and you’re literally limping around hoping for one of your buddies to heal you or trying to get out of immediate danger so you can drink a potion (or trying to limp and drink both at once). While this is happening your Current Max is bleeding out. Let’s say you had 100 max hp and you bleed down to 90 while you pull a potion out. A potion heals you by 50% of your actual Max (so, to 50) and if you can catch a breather out of immediate harm’s way you’ll quickly recover to 90, your Current Max HP. But you won’t recover to 100. Outside of combat, your Current Max rises by 1 every 3-4 seconds until it hits your actual Max HP. This makes it possible to get attacked again when you haven’t really recovered from the last fight, which...isn’t a feeling you get in a lot of these games, especially ones that have regenerating health systems as robust as this one. Just two hours in I’ve already had some really tense encounters where things started going really wrong for me and I pulled out of it but it built that sense of being winded, of being really rattled by the fight, in a way that doesn’t tend to happen.

I think Youtube videos about the game have already said this but I really like that you make your own photo album as you play. By the end of the game you’ve literally got the 200 most meaningful moments to you in that album, or at least your favorite pics. It’s just brilliant, in terms of making a retrospective of stuff that made the game great for you, personally, as the person who played this playthrough of their game.

The food looks delicious, and I’m precisely as disturbed by how much I want to eat it as various people are by how sexy they find cat versions of people in the new Cats movie. There’s one part of my brain that is telling me that it is cartoon food and not real (and that some of it, like the mystery lunchmeat “sushi,” would likely be Super Gross if you could smell it) and it is correct but is also incapable of shutting up the part of my brain that finds the same fake food appetizing.

The collector in me is starting by buying all the skills that grant AP. I have doubts as to whether the game is long enough that I’ll recoup the investment. Like, the one that makes it so Big Catches grant AP costs 99 AP. I think it makes them give 2 AP. Am I actually going to fish up 50 Big Catches in the fishing minigame? (It might even only increase the AP gains by 1, so I’d have to fish up a hundred to profit.) Well fuck it, I know I’m gonna buy every damn skill on every grid anyway so I might as well start with the ones that speed up that process, no matter by how small a degree. The camping and food ones, at the least, were no-brainers.

I have trouble telling the main characters’ voices apart. Say what you will about how dumb Donald sounds in Kingdom Hearts 3, but if Sora, Goofy, Donald, Kairi, King Mickey, Yen Sid, Axel, and Riku were all having a conversation there is no point where you’d be confused about who was talking even if your eyes were closed the whole time. The voices and speech patterns are as recognizable as the silhouettes, in the KH series. Not so much, in FFXV.

I love the way Prompto moves in combat. He is literally always tripping and scrambling to get back up. Seriously, if you have the game play the training session so you can see his move cycle in detail. He spends like half of it with at least one hand on the ground, and I just love it. It’s so dynamic, so expressive, so goofy, so immediately endearing. And then you think, “Wait, we armed our derpiest party member with a gun? What is wrong with us?”

#FFXV #review

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imagines-for-the-fangirls-soul · 5 years

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Famous Flame - Peter Parker

Demi Lovato Prompt #5 Listen Here: La La Land

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader Word Count: 1,673 Synopsis: Reader is an actress studying Peter’s high school for an upcoming movie. They both have secret identities, but they’re keeping an entirely different secret about their feelings from each other.

No Endgame spoilers, either!

“What kind of high school aged person has to study a high school to know how to act like a high schooler?” Peter asked as MJ shoved her books in her locker.

“I have no idea. It’s supposed to be kept quiet, too. Once the movie is out, she’s supposed to become one of the biggest teen stars, but right now we have to keep it under wraps.”

“Okay, but how do you know all of this?”

“I’m class president. She’s coming here as a new student, and I’m in charge of showing her around. But since I’m too busy,” she said, closing her locker, “I’m passing that duty on to my best friend.”

“What makes you think I’m not busy?” She squinted her eyes at him, making Peter sigh. “Fine.”

“Great. She’s meeting us at lunch. Try not to embarrass-”

“I’m not going to embarrass you.”

“I was gonna say yourself, but good, don’t embarrass me either,” she said, patting his shoulder as she walked off towards class.

Three hours later, Peter walked into the cafeteria and found MJ and Ned sitting at their regular table with a new person. As Peter walked over, you looked up at him with a smile that made Peter forget even his name.

“Hi,” you said.

“Y/N, this is Peter,” MJ said, glaring at Peter. “Peter!”

“Hi! Sorry, sorry.” He held out his hand and you shook it with a smile.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, yeah, you too.”

“Peter, sit. Stop being weird,” MJ said. You laughed softly, and it was a good thing that Peter was already sitting next to you because his knees were about to give out.

“MJ says you’ll be showing me around the school,” you said, looking over at him.

“Yeah, it’s no problem.”

“I appreciate it. I know it seems silly, but the Netflix people want to make sure I know a genuine high school experience.”

“What kind of high school do you go to now?” Ned asked.

“I mostly get tutors to come in because I’ve been traveling around so much.”

“Have you been in anything we would have seen?”

“I’ve only had a couple of guest starring spots on a couple of TV shows but this movie with Netflix is the first thing I’ve been the lead in.”

“That’s awesome!” Ned exclaimed.

“Thanks!” you said, giggling softly. “So, what are your after school plans, Peter?”

“Oh, uh, nothing much.”

“Cool. Mind if I tag along? I have some questions to bounce off of you.” Peter choked on his sandwich as MJ kicked his shoe.

“Sure.”

“Great,” you said, touching his bicep gently. “I’ll meet you after class?”

“Sure,” he said again, his voice cracking just slightly.

You waited for thirty minutes after school, but eventually, it was clear that either Peter had forgotten or blown you off. Starting school for the first time in the middle of a semester was a stressful experience, so you decided to treat yourself to a milkshake to make this day a little better.

As you sat down in the nearest McDonald’s with your chocolate milkshake, you saw a flash of red outside the window, and instantly wondered if you had just seen the famous Spider-Man. A few moments later, Peter walked into the McDonalds, panting slightly.

“Y/N, I am so sorry,” he said, sitting across from you in the booth.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I didn’t mean to bail on you, just something came up.”

“That’s alright,” you said, setting your milkshake down, letting out a sigh, “I realize it’s stupid that I know nothing about a normal high school, I’ve just lived a very weird life. I’m always flying all over the city, it’s hard to find someone to understand.”

“I understand.”

“No,” you said with a laugh, “You don’t. And it’s okay.”

“I do, though.”

“Do people go around shoving cameras in your face, hoping to catch you in your worst moment?” Peter’s face changed slightly, and for a second you wondered if he did know what you were feeling. “Peter?”

“No, but I also like to come here when I’ve had a bad day.” You smiled and Peter excused himself to go get himself a milkshake as well. “I am surprised to find you here, though.”

“Why?”

“I thought famous people were supposed to be health nuts.” You laughed and took a lengthy sip of your milkshake, making him laugh.

“Well, I’m not a supermodel. I still eat McDonald's.” Peter smiled at you, making slight butterflies rise in your stomach.

“So that’s your co-star?” Peter asked as you took a seat next to him, watching the man who would be your romantic interest in your upcoming movie greet fans at the door to your cafeteria. The decision to film the movie at this school came two weeks after your first day, so not only did you get to film here, you got to actually study here, too. (Much to the delight of both you and Peter)

“Well, since I’m such a nobody, they wanted someone famous to star with me.”

“You’re not a nobody,” Peter said under his breath. He seemed to be embarrassed by the fact that Ned and MJ were around. Since starting here, you and Peter spent nearly every day together and had developed a new kind of relationship.

“Alright, perk up, he’s coming this way,” you said, nudging his shoulder.

“Don’t look so nervous,” Peter said, cocking an eyebrow at you.

“I’m confident, but I still have my moments,” you said, standing up shakily as you introduced yourself to your co-star again, and to your group of friends.

“Are you okay?” MJ whispered as your co-star sat down on the other side of you, shamelessly flirting with you.

“I’m fine,” Peter responded, focusing on his tater tots. MJ raised her eyebrow at him but didn’t question him any more. At the end of lunch, you all stood, and Peter turned towards you, as the two of you often walked to your biology class together.

“Ready to go?” he asked.

“Actually, I was just going to head out early with Noah to get ready for our next scene.”

“Yep, the prom kiss scene,” he said, grinning in a way that made Peter want to web him to the cafeteria floor.

“I’ll text you tonight?” you said as Noah put a hand on your back, leading you out of the cafeteria.

“Yeah, sure.”

It took another month and a half of shooting until you were finally done with filming. It was an exciting and stressful time, particularly because Peter never seemed to want to talk. You had been so close, up until Noah came to film your scenes together.

It was the night before your first press junket when you finally saw him again. You were panicking about what was going to happen and only wanted to talk to him. You went to his apartment, but May said that he had left an hour or so ago. You called him a few times, but the longer he didn’t answer, the more stressed you got.

Not wanting to go back home, you walked up to his rooftop, craving some fresh air. You sat on the ledge of the roof, looking out over the city. You loved New York, you didn’t want to move back to LA. Just as you were reaching the climax of your career crisis, you heard a thud behind you.

“Shit,” Spider-Man said, creating a web string to fly off the building.

“Wait!” you called, walking over to him, just as he dropped back onto the roof.

“What can I do for you, citizen?” he said in a deep voice that sounded fake.

“Well, truthfully, I could use some advice.”

“I’m not sure I’m the best-”

“Please,” you said, reaching for his gloved hand. He shrugged and took a seat next to you on the building’s ledge.

“So, what can I do for you, citizen?”

“Well, I have this problem. It’s always been my dream to be an actress, and I just got to shoot my first movie.”

“That doesn’t sound like a problem.”

“It shouldn’t be, but if I want to continue this career, I’d have to move out to LA. Permanently.”

“Oh,” he said, his voice dropping to its normal octave. “Why don’t you want to move?”

“I don’t think I’ll fit there. I want to wear Converse with all of my dresses, not foot breaking high heels. Plus, I love the city, and there’s someone here that makes me love it even more. Even if he’s been a dick the last few days.”

“Oh? Who is this person.”

“My friend, Peter. He’s a nerd, but a total sweetheart. I really like him, and I think he likes me, too, but he hasn’t spoken to me in weeks.”

“Maybe he felt like your affection lied somewhere else.”

“Well, you said, scooting closer to the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, “If he would just look, he would see that my co-star is a complete bone head and an asshole. He’s not my type at all.”

“Well, I’m not sure I can help you anymore, citizen. Maybe you should just tell your friend how you feel.”

“I just did,” you said, smiling at him. He stuttered over a response as you grabbed the mask at his neck and pulled it off.

“How did you know?” he asked quietly.

“I know how people live double lives, and you’re horrible at making excuses.” He smiled and took your hand, smiling. “So, Peter, tell me do you feel the way I feel?”

“Yeah,” he said, nodding his head. You smiled and leaned in to kiss him, running your hand through his soft hair. When he pulled away, he was grinning so cutely that you had to kiss him again.

“Did I help you with your problem?” he asked, helping you to stand up.

“I won’t change anything in my life. I’m staying myself, and in New York. For now.”

“Good,” he said, pulling you back into his strong arms.

#peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker oneshot #peter parker fanfic #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker x reader #spiderman #spiderman imagine #spiderman fanfic #spiderman fanfiction #spiderman oneshot #spiderman x reader #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel oneshot #marvel fanart #marvel fanfiction #demi lovato prompts

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jelixpo · 5 years

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Psycho (Chap 5)

~Author’s note: This is a fictional story featuring the pairing between jack///septic//eye and mark//iplier, or septiplier for short, and the pairing between jack///septic//eye and pew//die//pie, or jelix/septicpie for short. You are not to contact the people that are involved in this story with regards to questions about this story or their relationships, whatever they may be, as they have stated in the past that this makes them uncomfortable. This story will deal closely with spiralling mental health and will delve into very sensitive topics that may be triggering for some individuals. Chapter warnings will be provided as seen fit/needed. You are asked to read at your own discretion. Thank you.~

Sorry this chapter took so long to come out! One thing lead to another and I just haven't had free time and/or motivation in a while. But it's here now! Hopefully it was worth the wait :) I'll try to update more regularly.

---

Felix leaned back in his chair and rubbed at his face, his camera just having been turned off after recording. He looked up at his monitor and clicked around on it a bit, privately uploading the video to Sive for editing before sitting back in his chair again. He sighed contentedly, happy with the video he had just made. It had been a couple days since Felix had gotten... that idea. It had been hard going through each day, trying to work through videos and the like while still having the thought at the front of his mind. Felix was proud of himself, though, since today had been the first time he had really stopped thinking about that crazy idea. He no longer found himself dwelling on its possibility, which he was thankful for. He didn't ever want to have that thought dwell in his mind again and he was doing a good job of making sure it didn't. Sure, it entered his mind every now and then, but he no longer found himself thinking seriously about it. The entirety of the situation still upset him, of course. The proposal, the marriage, the announcement, but today was the first time in a long time that Felix found himself genuinely getting over the whole ordeal. Perhaps he really was working through his feelings, or maybe he was learning to push them down, maybe he had just isolated himself to the point where he no longer felt upset. The reason behind it didn't matter. He was getting over it, and that was a huge step in the right direction, Felix thought. Just then, Felix heard the sound of his stomach rumbling. As soon as he recognised the noise a twinge of discomfort formed in his stomach and through his torso, as if his body had suddenly remembered how hungry it was. Standing up from his computer, Felix made his way out of his recording room and down the hall to his kitchen, fully intent on cooking himself a tasty dinner. He opened his fridge and surveyed its contents; a couple of salad dressing bottles, a carton of milk with a thimble of milk left, some chip dip containers, and a stick of butter. Nothing really to cook with. He closed the door to the fridge and moved over to his pantry; a box of cereal, a jar of pasta sauce, and a container full of brown sugar. Apparently, in Felix's bout of self-isolation, he had neglected to go to the grocery store and buy actual food. He thought about going to get fast food, but the thought of eating such greasy food again after doing so for practically every meal the last couple days made him want to gag. A nice, home-cooked meal was what he really wanted and he would do practically anything to get it. Seeing as there was no other option, Felix sighed as he walked over to the door of his apartment and slipped on his coat as he stepped outside. He quickly hopped into his car and drove to the grocery store, neglecting to make a list of any kind for what he might need. Honestly, at that point, bringing home any sort of food combination at all would serve him better than trying to work solely with what was already in his cupboards. It wasn't long before Felix was parking his car in the parking lot and walking into the store, grabbing a store kart as he made his way inside. Surprisingly, there weren't that many other people at the store, so he was allowed to roam as he pleased through the aisles without worry of standing in someone's way or walking too slow. He meandered through aisle after aisle, grabbing off the shelf what looked good, debating quietly to himself what brands might be better, whether he would need bigger sizes for certain things. He had almost finished his trip when he was walking beside the row of aisles, his head turned up to read their labels again, when a voice suddenly greeted his ears. "Hey, Felix!" Felix stopped dead in his tracks. He couldn't tell whether he wanted to curl up in a ball or fling himself fully at the voice's owner. He knew he couldn't run from the situation, so he plastered a smile on his face as he turned around to face his excited Irish friend. "Hey! How's it going?" Felix asked Jack as the Irishman walked happily toward him. "It's going great, man! It feels like a while since we've talked. Almost a month, practically! God, how are things?" Jack asked warmly as he stopped to stand by his friend. "Oh, y'know, things are moving along. I got kinda sick after the con so I decided to just rest for a while," Felix responded, "But I'm better now!" "Oh, well that's good!" Just then, a thought clicked into Felix's mind, "Hey, why are you here?" He asked without thinking. Trying not to sound rude, he quickly added, "I mean, shouldn't you be in America right now?" "Yeah, I've been in America ever since the con ended. Y'know, making wedding plans with Mark and all that. But I still can't decide if I want to live here or live in LA. Mark already said he'd go wherever I felt most comfortable, so he came down here with me for the month just to see if we like living here," Jack explained, "I'm still kinda flip-flopping on the whole thing," Felix didn't know which sounded worse; Jack moving away to America to live with Mark for the rest of his life, only seeing Felix maybe once every two years in person if that, his and Felix's paths never again to cross over in a nonchalant setting alone, or to have Jack stay here, his and Mark's relationship on full display for Felix to see, to have the constant reminder that Jack would never be his to hold, every day holding fear of going outside and seeing the two of them so close. Both versions sounded horrible. "Yeah, that's gotta be a tough decision," Felix nodded along, his answer both truthful and hidden at the same time. "Oh, but believe me, wherever we decide to live, our wedding there is gonna be fucking rocking!" Jack boasted happily, his demeanour quickly shifting from happy to ecstatic when the topic of his wedding was brought up. Felix had to will every muscle in his body not to drop his shoulders and slump over at Jack's sudden change in expression. The fact that Jack was so absolutely excited about the wedding only made it so much worse. "Me and Mark both really love the colour red so we're gonna use that as our main colour. We've been going suit shopping and I just can't decide if I want to wear an all-white suit or this one really stunning deep red suit that has this awesome, kinda henna-like design all over it in a shiny black. God, it looks amazing," Felix shifted his weight from one side of his body to the other, trying to hide how uncomfortable the details of Jack's wedding was, "Oh, and we've been putting together this fucking awesome playlist with all our favourite songs on it, the night is gonna be fucking pumping! We've already talked to the person who's gonna design our cake and they sketched it out for us already. It's gonna be this gorgeous 3 tiered cake, all basic white, with handmade roses all over it. Y'know, I've even been thinking about buying a leg garter, not because I wanna have a garter toss or anything! But just to give Mark a lil surprise later, y'know?" Jack was giggling now, and Felix had to force out a fake laugh at the same time. He didn't think this conversation could get any more unbearable. Jack's demeanour suddenly changed from energetic to soft. "But hey, I'm really glad I got to bump into you today," Jack spoke gently. He wrapped his hand around Felix's bicep and squeezed slightly, affectionately, "You've been an amazing friend to me all these years and I really appreciate having you around. I know sometimes me and Mark can be a little too public with our affection, but I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you when that happens," Felix blinked in surprise. This was not what he expected, "I don't know why but... ever since you got sick at the con, I couldn't help but feel that I played a part in it. I know you weren't actually sick, Felix... I don't know what was actually wrong, but I just wanted you to know that I love having you in my life, okay? And, y'know, whether I go back to LA or I stay here, I want you to stay my friend. Cause... you mean a lot to me, Felix. I don't know what I'd do without our friendship." Jack smiled warmly, softly, at Felix. Felix could only stare back, his fake smile already having faded from his face long ago. He felt his cheeks turn up slowly in a genuine, affectionate smile. This smile seemed to cause Jack to relax even more, happy that he was able to brighten Felix's day. "Anyway, sorry to cut this short, but I gotta run," Jack said. As if Jack's speech hadn't startled Felix enough, he felt his heart stop as Jack stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the Swede in a tight embrace. Felix felt himself automatically wrap his arms back around Jack's waist in return. He could feel Jack's warmth and heat radiating into his body, practically into his very soul as they embraced. Felix always found himself so cold for some reason, but now, in Jack's embrace, he felt his body flush with a comforting warmth. He almost didn't believe the moment to truly be happening, but Jack's secure hold around him kept him grounded in it all. Jack stretched his head out and allowed the side of his head to go flush against the crook of Felix's neck. Felix took a breath in and felt himself truly breathe for the first time in years. He felt whole and completely at home, as if he was always meant to stay held up against Jack's frame, their bodies sharing heat. He felt Jack's body expand and contract as he breathed in and out, their hearts beating together. He couldn't ever tell you why, but Felix could swear the world got brighter when he was in Jack's tight embrace. Colours popped and bloomed, and lights seemed to get brighter, but also softer. When he took breathes in through his nose, Jack's scent immediately flooded into his body. It was refreshing; a scent Felix could take in every moment of the day and never grow tired of. Every worry that could cloud his mind was whisked away, as if destroyed completely. Felix could practically feel himself melting from the warmth. He couldn't get over it. Was this what everyone else felt? This warmth and stability, this heat and security, did everyone just have this? Or was it just Jack? Perhaps it was neither. Perhaps, when they held each other like this, that was the only time this feeling could occur. Everything seemed right; exactly the way it should be. He felt Jack begin to pull away and it took the strength of God himself for Felix not to grip him tighter. Jack placed his hands on Felix's shoulders and leaned away from him, his eyes fluttering open as he did so. Jack had closed his eyes? "I'll see you around, yeah?" Jack's eyes were filled with sincerity. Felix nodded silently at the question, still reeling from the moment. Then, Jack let go, and the world faded back to normal. Boring normal. Colourless normal. Meaningless normal. Felix looked after him as Jack walked away and disappeared down another aisle. The world seemed colder, darker, dimmer. Maybe that crazy idea, the one that was so unthinkable, wasn't so crazy after all. --- Felix paced around his living room, an activity which had become increasingly common for him since his run-in with Jack two days ago. His mind did flips and spins as he debated the thought within it, something that he swore he would never do again. He really hadn't slept since the encounter, his mind too busy to focus on anything else. He would have felt bad about going to the store in the first place since he really hadn't used any of the food he bought but his mind was too preoccupied. He hated himself for debating the thought but every time he found himself reaching the edge of a decision another string of thoughts would come rushing in to pull him back. If he began considering the legitimacy of acting on his thoughts he would immediately begin thinking of his morals and the irreversible consequences of his actions. If he began to push the idea out of his head and disregard it his mind would immediately snap back to the hug he and Jack had shared and how he had felt. He slumped down onto the couch, resting his arms on his legs as he rubbed at his face. He needed to think clearly and pacing only made him more anxious. The thought... Felix groaned. He couldn't keep dancing around it like it didn't exist, couldn't keep avoiding addressing it by what it actually was. How could he ever hope to come to a complete decision if he couldn't even face what his thought actually was? Kidnapping Jack. There. There it was. To kidnap Jack. That was his thought. Even just addressing it by name caused Felix's face to scrunch up, cringing at his own mind. You'd think having that strong of a negative reaction to just its title would deter the Swede from considering its legitimacy but apparently not. Kidnapping Jack- still just as horrible to think the second time- could possibly have some advantages for Felix, that much he fully understood, but there were so many things that could go wrong. What would his wish even be anyway? What was he hoping for if any of this came true? For Jack to love him back? For Jack to call off the wedding? How in the hell would kidnapping him make any of those things true? Not to mention the fact that this could very easily blow up in his face. Jack could hate him. Forever. The thought made him shiver. He couldn't handle someone he cared so much for, someone he held so close to his heart, to hate him. If just hearing about Jack being engaged to someone else put a heavyweight on his shoulders then having Jack hate him would be like a hydraulic press to his heart. You can't force someone to love you, no one can. There was no way he could carry out such a ridiculously horrific plan. ... And yet he also couldn't bear the thought of standing by and doing nothing as Jack was swept away from him, as his joy was swept away from him for good. Yes, he had been recovering from the news before, that was true. But was he happy? He thought he was until that hug happened. Even just thinking about it caused Felix's shoulders to soften. He had never felt so warm in his life as he had in Jack's hold. He had always recognized that he felt cold throughout his life but he had never realised just how ice cold it was before. What he used to think was a comfortable temperature for him now seemed unbearable given the new sensation. But how could this be new? Jack had hugged him before. Of course he had! Jack was an affectionate person to everyone he met. Hugging was his thing! Felix had embraced Jack multiple times before but had never felt this awestruck with it... Well, sort of. Embracing Jack had always brought warmth to his heart in some way, that was what drew him so much to liking Jack in the first place. He felt joyful and warm whenever he was in Jack's presence, no matter the circumstance. Perhaps the overlooming thought of losing Jack forever is what made this time different. He would do anything to get that feeling back but it was useless. Felix felt like he was clawing at glass with no way of grabbing hold of anything. Well... There was one way. God, he hated himself so much. How could he not make a decision? Just pick the best one! The best one obviously being to not fucking kidnap someone! How could that not be the best option? ... Well, all things considered, that option would never bring him back to the peaceful bliss he felt with Jack. That option could never fulfil him in life. He felt no joy from that option. But did the option of kidnapping the one he loved bring him any joy? Well, in a very weird way, it did. It allowed him to take control of the situation after he had felt control had been ripped from his fingertips. The first option gave him no control, no fulfilment, no happiness. How could it be the best option? ... Because it didn't make him a fucking felon, that's why! ... But it sure made him feel like his joy had been stolen from him... But what the hell did his joy matter here? We're talking about kidnapping someone! Taking them from their home! Forcing them somewhere they don't want to go! People write fucking shows just about that because it's so traumatising! Where the hell is any 'joy' in that situation?! ... Well, shows can always be scripted. People get told what to say, given eye drops to make tears, and then roll in the cash. He wasn't ignoring the fact that kidnapping was bad in the majority sense, but weren't there happy stories from kidnapping? There had to be, there's a story for everything. But how could something like that be happy? Well, if both people involved already wanted to be with each other then... Felix stopped. He blinked for a moment, as if almost surprised. Had he really just thought that? ... Yes. Yes he had. Was there even a possibility of Jack wanting him too? But he was with Mark, had made the effort to be with Mark. How could Jack want Felix if he had chosen to be with Mark? Maybe... Maybe Jack was more like Felix than either of them had realised. Felix had learned through experience how to push down his true feelings and plaster on a fake smile, one which most people could never see-through. Felix had learned how to play the part, how to act happy to appease others, but there was one person he could never fool and that was Jack. Only someone with a similar experience would be able to see through his smile. Did that mean that Jack felt the same way but he too was too scared to admit it? Sure, Jack usually wore his heart on his sleeve, but everyone has secrets, everyone hides parts of themselves. But why would Jack get with Mark if he truly wanted to be with Felix? Septiplier was so extremely popular even before Jack and Mark got together. Maybe Jack felt pressured? Like he had to be in a relationship with Mark to appease others. He had to act happy to appease others. Just like Felix. Well, maybe Mark truly loved him just as much as Felix did? ... No. No, that was impossible. Felix had watched them be together for years, he had seen how they acted with each other. Mark couldn't possibly admire Jack as much as Felix did. Sure, they were public with their affection, but that didn't mean it was true love. God, Felix loved Jack so much. Everything about him was absolutely stunning. Every action he took, every step he made took the Swede's breath away. Could Mark love Jack like that? Hell no. No one loved Jack like Felix loved Jack. Mark was Felix's friend, they had been friends for years and Felix valued their friendship but there was no way in hell Mark loved Jack more than Felix. And if Jack loved Felix too... Just the thought made his heart skip a beat. Felix couldn't stop a small smile from forming on his face. To be loved by Jack, there could be no sweeter feeling. Felix sat back on the couch. He had made a decision. The thought that Jack loved him too, that they could live happily together? That settled it. This was the best option. It had to be; for Jack and Felix's sake. It had to be.

#psycho #psycho story #jelix #septiplier #writings #some writings or whatever

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flying-elliska · 4 years

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Have you ever got that feeling that being bisexual is like having a double life? Like you can enjoy straight things and culture but you can also enjoy from the LGBTQ+ community. Sometimes I feel like a double agent and I feel privileged in the community because there is the possibility of not being judged if I decide to date someone who has a different sexual orientation than me. I feel like I’ve been too brainwashed after reading how bisexuality is being “half straight half gay”

It’s like living in a gray zone where you feel like you have to play for either team, but you don’t identify with either of them. And I was reading some discurse in radical lesbian pages that say that we only bring trouble by bringing men into the LGBTQ+ community. It really got to me and now I question what is my position there. Sorry if I bother you with these questions, but you’re the one I’ve seen that can tackle these kind of issues sensibly.

Hey, don’t worry anon you’re not bothering me, thanks for trusting me with these sort of issues.

Bisexuality is its own sexuality and it is fully valid on its own and part of the LGBTQ community on its own, no matter who your long term partner is. You don’t have to pick a side. LGBTQ culture is yours, as much as you want it to be. Bi people have been there at its onset and still are - for instance, the woman who organized the first Pride march, Brenda Howard, was a bisexual rights activist ! Of course, there is a small but vocal minority of the community that derives their clout from wanting to exclude others (be it bi, trans, ace people…) who are not up to their purity standards. To me, this vision of community as a small set of resources to be hoarded and defended from those who are not oppressed/deserving enough is extremely damaging (and ultimately plays into the hands of conservative ppl who hate us all but love seeing us tear each other apart.) Honestly I would stay away from radical feminism shit if I were you, that stuff can be extremely toxic for bi women (and plays into super crappy essentialist visions of gender). You are not ‘bringing men into the LGBT+ community’ anyway (lol there are already plenty of men there ! trans men ! bi men ! gay men !) and even if your partner is a straight dude, I think as long as he knows how to be respectful, there is nothing wrong with that. You’re not straight, your relationship isn’t straight. The mentality of ‘us vs the rest of the world’ is often, I think, born out of trauma, and there is a lot of that to go around, but some people choose to take it out on other people instead of choosing healing. Also this idea that men are necessarily horrible dangerous people ‘polluting with their presence’ is just...bad on so many levels (women can be terrible too lmao). Having women centric spaces can be helpful and great for certain things, but the LGBTQ community should be more expansive than that. I mean - if you go that way, there are trans people with opposite sex partners too, should they not bring them to Pride either ? It’s a very slippery slope there, and it goes down to a garbage chute where we start overanalyzing each other and our sexual behaviors that starts to resemble a 19th century Puritan village which is...completely nuts, for real.

My perspective is that the more we grow as a community, the more people realize that they might not have been as straight as they think they are, the more powerful we are. You are not taking anything away from anyone or anything, you’re not polluting or invading. Your story and earnestness in love are an asset to the community. This diversity is what makes us strong and beautiful. Of course, we might be joined by people whose same sex attraction is rare, people who earlier in human history might have been closeted, even to themselves their whole lives. But this freer society is giving them the opportunity to be honest about the full extent of their capacity to love, and I think that’s beautiful. This need to draw lines can be so toxic for questioning people, too. Human sexuality is often a fuzzy, fluid, complicated thing, for a lot more people than we are willing to admit.

Besides, axes of oppression don’t only work along sexuality lines. It’s much more complex than that. And even if yes, things might be easier for you in certain respects if you are in a ‘straight passing’ relationship, and it is important to recognize that ; if you have to dismiss your sexuality, if you’re not able to be open and are pressured into sweeping a whole part of your identity under the rug, if you’re not taken seriously and excluded from a community that is important to you, then that can cause a lot of damage and mental health issues. Being bisexual is a specific LGBTQ experience which comports challenges of its own ; the insecurity and pressure to ‘choose’ is part of the burden. Not having the exact same experiences as a lesbian doesn’t make you ‘less valid’. One sign of that is that bi people are a lot less likely to be out and a lot more likely to have mental health issues, and I very much think those two are linked.

Anyway, if i have to give any advice - some parts of the LGBTQ community are shitty, esp those who play the ‘you must be this oppressed to ride’ game. But there are also some that can be wonderful. If you have the opportunity, it could be a really empowering experience to get in touch with your local, specifically bi community (it was for me), read bi focused books or stories of other people ; to help you grow your own sense of confidence in your own sexuality. My hope is that in the future, as bisexuality is represented more fully in the media and more bi people are open and further generations grow without those toxic ‘either/or’ mindsets, this damaging feeling of being double agents/having to pick a side will fade. And that we have a more distinct sense of bi pride/culture etc without being continually erased or seen as gay/straight by default.

At the same time, of course…I think it’s very much part of the human experience to navigate between social environments where the microcultures and codes are different. You don’t behave similarly with your parents and your friends, I’m sure, or at school or a party, but neither of these things are dishonest ! So there is nothing wrong with behaving a little differently when you’re surrounded by queer friends and making references to a specific culture. You’re not dishonest and you’re not in hiding, it’s just a different part of you that is coming to the front. And you can bring your own bisexual self and experiences to LGBTQ spaces, as well, to make it richer and more diverse. If you can’t…that’s a bad sign.

And finally…living in a ‘grey zone’, a more liminal space, can be a wonderful thing in itself ! It’s sort of amazing to be able to be attracted to people no matter what their gender is, don’t you think ? Or to be attracted to different genders in different ways ? I actually think it’s really fucking cool to be bisexual. Despite the stigma and the headache it is, often, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It can be such an exhilarating experience realizing you don’t have to reproduce heteronormative patterns in your life, that you can find similar things attractive across genders, or not at all… I just find it so interesting and so freeing. Especially since as women we are given such a narrow view of what we are supposed to find attractive and how to be attractive and how to do relationships. And to me being bi just helped blow that shit up sky wide. And it allows us to stand in solidarity with other minorities who are not always given their space in LGBTQ spaces. Honestly, the few bi spaces I’ve been in were so much more open, making efforts to be accomodating to people with disabilities issues, were so much more diverse in terms of gender/class/race/culture/body type etc…I’m not saying all bi spaces are inherently superior but I feel like bi people, at least those i’ve met, are often more prone to think about those questions and it’s been absolutely delightful. Because we understand what it’s like to stand at an intersection and not feel entirely part of something, and so we want to foster spaces where people can be themselves in all their myriad identities, and that this feeling of ‘being at a crossroads’ can be so rich and beautiful.

I hope you can find that same sense of pride and certainty in yourself. Of course, it’s not always going to be easy, and I understand these doubts. You are definitely not alone with them. I mean, we say we don’t have to choose, but we do have to make choices in where to look for partners, for instance. I hope you can listen to your desires without crowding them out with pressure from outside, and follow your heart where it leads you.

#bisexuality #bi pride #lgbtq+

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recoveryform · 5 years

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Friendly Reminder!

So, in honour of me finally being able to get a wheelchair and get some more manuverability, heres a PSA.

-Not all wheelchair users are paralysed. Some can even walk short distances! All being in a wheelchair means is that they have difficulty walking the distances they need to to get by day to day. Wether thats due to paralysis, pain, dizziness, fatigue, ect.

- Its not your business to dictate who you think should be in a wheelchair. Anyone using a wheelchair is using it for health reasons.

- We don't have to explain to you whats 'wrong' with us. Just like you don't really want to talk with some stranger on the train or in the supermarket about your sore tooth and dental issues, I don't want to talk about my bad back and joint issues. Especially considering we are asked about it all the time. Seriously, every other day I have to answer the same questions to well meaning people about 'what happened' and 'when it happened' and 'no I'm not getting better' and 'Yes I've tried Yoga'

- Please stop saying you'll pray for us. A) You don't know what religion I follow. B) Some of us have bad experiences with Judeochristian religions. (My own mother blamed my disabilities on me 'not believing in God enough' It's taken a long time to decouple self blame from my disabilities because I grew up very religious) and C) I've already got people from like, 12 different sects of 4 different religions praying for me. I really don't think stopping and praying with you will change much.

-Wheelchairs are hard to use! Harder than walking for most people. Even electric ones. Because your accessibility to anywhere without a lift or ramp is denied. Noone is faking it because they're "lazy". Wheelchairs are legit exhausting.

- Do not grab someone's wheelchair or any other mobility equipment without permission. Yes, even if you are trying to help. You can seriously hurt a disabled person by throwing them off balance, or break their fingers by getting their hands caught in the spokes. Also its like, super rude to just start pushing someone? Disabled or not. You wouldn't push a regular person out of the way, or randomly grab them, so why someone in a wheelchair?

-Wheelchairs are EXPENSIVE. My stock standard manual one cost over $500. My Grandma's Electric one cost $17,000. Please don't fiddle with them or try to play with them. If you break them, we have to foot the bill. The NDIS only pays for 1 new wheelchair every 5 or so years.

- 'Wheelchair bound' is offensive and for most wheelchair users, inaccurate. Many of us can get up from our chairs and shift or walk from our chairs to our beds or short distances around the house ect.

-Wheelchairs aren't limiting. They are freeing. Without them our mobility would be severely reduced. Think of them kinda like a bike in this regard. They're a cool tool for getting further than you usually can, faster than you usually can, and with less pain.

- Please do not put your stuff on our laps or on our chairs unless we have specifically said you can. I'm not a coat hanger or bag holder, and neither is my chair. It's dehumanising when you treat me as such.

- Our wheelchairs/mobility equipment is an extension of our body. Treat it with the same respect.

- If you want to be an awesome ally, support businesses and bars that are wheelchair accessible. Give them your money and tell them in reviews that you chose them because they are wheelchair accessible. Make companies and businesses think its important to a lot of their customers, and it will make other businesses become wheelchair accessible to try and compete for your business. This is one of the single best ways to help your wheelchair using friends and family. My whole group of friends let the owner of a bar we went to know the only reason we went there was because they were wheelchair accessible, and the fact that they had clutter and rubbish stored in the wheelchair access lift meant we weren't going to drink there that night. This was a group of 15+ people, who would have easily spent $400-500 that night, that the owner missed out on for not respecting disabled facilities. It made a huge difference. Now the bar keeps all its disabled facilities in good nick and I got an apology. Even if you go somewhere thats not wheelchair accessible, Say you would have brought so many more friends (paying customers) if they had these facilities. If enough people say it, they'll get the message. You don't have to do much, but it will mean so much to all mobility impared peope.

- If your business has a ramp/lift but your isles are too narrow for wheelchairs, your store is not wheelchair accessible. If the isles are fine but you put a display in that stops wheelchairs from getting through, your store is not wheelchair accessible. If you hang/store things too high for someone in a wheelchair to reach, and dont provide staff/assistants to get it for them, your store is not wheelchair accessible.

Allright thanks for listening!

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mycasandstarrs · 6 years

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SPN 8x17: “Goodbye Stranger”

THEN: Meg. Naomi, and her control over Cas. The angel tablet exists and Crowley knows. Dean wanted to do the trials that would seal the Gates of Hell, but Sam is the one who ends up taking that torch. Dean is concerned for Sam, so he prays to Cas.

SHIT, HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS COLD OPEN.

RIP prototype Dean Winchester. Killed by Cas.

“No hesitation. Quick. Brutal. Everything's back in order.” Fuck you, Naomi.

How long did it take for Cas to do that without any emotion? How many fake Deans did he go through???

Dean going through the Men of Letters archive.

There’s the key to Oz!

Ooohhh a Faberge egg! Dean could sell that and make a buttload of money.

Oh dear, Sam.

“This is a first edition, dude. You know what this would go for on eBay?” But you won’t sell the Faberge egg??

Dean finds the bloody tissue.

That’s a beautiful house.

“About a week ago, something changed in Ann. She was out of sorts, not herself at all.” Ann was possessed.

“I should have stayed. I should have protected her.” Oh no, sir. He would’ve died too.

“So, somebody's killing demons. Well, that is awesome. I feel like we should send a card or flowers. What kind of flower says ‘thanks for killing demons’?” Yeah, send them to Cas.

Wendy Rice.

Special Agents Lynne and Tandy.

“My dissertation is -- is on the history of this town and, uh, its connection to the Underground Railroad and -- and -- and whatnot. I've been working to re-create a map for years as part of my research, and this -- this is the old Jakubiak orchard there.” I really like how proud she was of her project.

“Ann's assistant called this morning, though, asking if I still had the map.” Another demon? Or Cas?

RIP demon. Killed by Cas.

(The look on Dean’s face thoo.)

Aww, Dean looking out for Sam.

“You heard me, didn't you?” ohh nooo.

Every lie Cas tells takes a year off my life.

“They're looking for a parchment that would allow them to decipher Crowley's half of the Demon Tablet without a Prophet.”

“strange haired demon” haha.

“Well, he puts the ‘ass’ in ‘Cas’, huh?” If ya say so, huehue.

“If he's so sketchy, then why were you praying to him?” FOR YOU AND YOUR HEALTH.

“I am a celestial being.” pft.

Look who’s bad cop now!

“We have a hostage! It's one of Crowley's pets. She's at the Murray Hotel, down by the interstate. She knows the towns where all the crypts are buried. She saw them all back in the day.”

“And she told you about the parchment?”

No, no, no, possible exposure coming up...

“What parchment?!”

RIP demon. Killed by Cas.

I assume Sam and Dean were cursing Cas during the drive to the hotel.

RIP demons. Killed by Cas.

Hello for the last time, Meg.

“Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?”

“What's up with the hair?” Why would that be your first question?

Y’all are asking dumb questions, guys.

“A bunch of innocent people died so you could... buy yourself some time?”

“Hi. I'm Meg. I'm a demon.”

“She’s gonna tell them the truth. Do I have to kill her?” Aww Cas. I love the genuine reluctance at the possibility of having to kill Meg.

“Any of you dummies got a map?” They got something better.

“What’s there now?”

“Do I look like Google to you? None of these buildings were here way back in the day. Figure it out, genius. Is there any booze in this dump?”

lol

“You really do know how to make a girl's nethers quiver, don't you?”

“I am aware of how to do that. Although it doesn't usually involve cleaning wounds.”

ngl, I lowkey ship Megstiel.

“Would it kill you to watch a movie, read a book?”

“A movie, no. But a book with the proper spells -- yeah, it could, theoretically, kill me.”

Pfft. Never appreciated that line before.

“So, your noodle's back in order?” Not quite.

“Yeah, my... noodle remembers everything. I think it's a pretty good noodle.”

“Really? You remember everything?”

“If you're referring to the pizza man... Yes, I remember the pizza man. And it's a good memory.”

Aww.

“I miss the simplicity. I was bad. You were good. Life was easier. Now it's all so messy. I'm kind of good, which sucks. And you're kind of bad -- which is actually all manner of hot.” Agreed.

“We survive this... I'm gonna order some pizza and we're gonna move some furniture around. You understand?” Oof, that’s hot as all hell.

RIP demon. Killed by Crowley.

"If you want something done right...blah, blah, blah.”

Team Free Will, plus one.

“No, you're not. Sam... You're damaged in ways even I can't heal. Dean's right.“ Shit dude.

“You should stay here and protect Meg.”

“Since when do I need protecting?”

“Since you were held captive and tortured for over a year.”

Walked right into that one, Meg.

Sam and Meg getting left behind by the people who want to take care of them.

“Wait -- so I took how many bullets for you guys, and you didn't even look for me?” Aww, poor Meg. Don’t worry Meg, Sam didn’t look for Dean or Kevin either.

“Look, no disrespect, but you haven't exactly been the most, uh, trustworthy person in our lives, Meg.”

“You're not gonna tell me? Seriously? How am I not team Sam?”

Seriously tho! They have history going back aallll the way to S1! That’s a long time.

“Deep down, in parts you never let see the light of day, you want to live a long, normal life away from creepy old things like me.”

“I do. You know, I spent last year with... someone, and, um... ...now I know that's actually possible.”

“Wait -- that's how you spent your last year? With a chick? Lame.”

AGREED. (Well, it wouldn’t be so lame if I actually liked the “chick”.)

“Tell me -- how'd you meet this unicorn?”

“I found it.”

“the Winchester” he HAS A NAME.

OOHHH LOOK AT THOSE BI COLORS. Unintentional as they may be, it damn sure looks like it.

I’m already getting tense, I know what’s coming.

“Winner, winner, chicken dinner.”

“Good. Hand it to me, and I'll take it to heaven. “

I don’t like this.

“I can't let you take that, Dean.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Both.”

I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS

“Wait -- h-hold on. There's one part I don't understand. You hit a dog and stopped. Why?” pft.

“You fell in love with a unicorn. It was beautiful, then sad, then sadder. I laughed, I cried, I puked in my mouth a little. And honestly, I kind of get it.” :’)

“I won't hurt Dean.” AWW NO

OH I HATE THIS I WANNA GET OFF THIS RIDE

RIP demon. Killed by Sam.

RIP demon. killed by Meg.

“Cas. Cas. I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. Cas... It's me. We're family. We need you. I need you.”

OOHHH THE CUT OUT “I LOVE YOU”

“You have to choose, Castiel -- us or them.”

There are no words for the love and angst I’ve got for the crypt scene.

“Go. Save your brother... and my unicorn.” Aww.

“Timon and Pumbaa...tell you their big plan? Did they share that little chestnut with you? They mean to close the Gates of Hell, sweetheart. They mean to kill me and all the demons -- you included.”

“You had me at ‘kill you’, Crowley.”

Cas caught Dean up to speed...then leaves with the angel tablet. Damn it, Cas.

“I could beat on you for eternity.”

“Take all the time you want, pig...No Cas in the back seat. Your stone is long gone.” Meg’s last words.

RIP Meg. Killed by Crowley. I’ll miss her.

“If you remember our time in Mesopotamia the way I do, you know I'm a lover, not a fighter.” Crowley and Naomi knew each other?

*Naomi leaves* “Tart stole my move.”

“So... what happened? I mean, Cas touched the tablet, and it reset him to his factory settings or something?”

“I don't know. And I don't care.”

Yeah, you do. You care.

“Listen, I may not be able to carry the burden that comes along with these trials... But I can carry you.” !!!

“You... realize you kind of just quoted ‘Lord of the Rings,’ right?”

Come on, man. But it's the Rudy Hobbit, all right? Rudy Hobbit always gets a pass.”

Of course, Sam (the Rudy hobbit) was the best!

“Goodbye Stranger” by Supertramp.

Apparently this isn’t a typical song Dean would listen to, because Sam gave Dean the “You’re really gonna listen to this song?” look.

Aww Cas. :(

#supernatural #spn summer rewatch #spn liveblog #spn 8x17 #goodbye stranger #time for the crypt scene to kill me dead

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purrincess-chat · 6 years

Text

How to Catch a Ladybug CH4 FINAL

So, I would have had this one out sooner, buuuuut I picked up Hyrule Warriors Definitive Edition on Switch and spent most of my afternoon playing >,> But anyway, here is the last chapter of HCL! Much like the rest of this story, this chapter is a lot of Lila-meta, so, um, sorry or you’re welcome? XD

Read on AO3 | FF

Chapter 4

The following Monday at school, Lila stuffed her books inside her locker with a dazed look in her eye. Her mind was still a mess of truth and lies, unable to distinguish between the two anymore. Who was she now without her façade? Somehow she’d lost sight of that pretending to be someone she wasn’t, and as a result, she didn’t know what to say or even how to fake a smile. She both longed to see Marinette and simultaneously dreaded it though it was for a different reason than normal now because now she was going to confess her sins to her and beg for forgiveness.

It was uncharted territory for Lila. Schmoozing was easy when it was fake, but Lila had never had to genuinely convince someone of something before. She felt so open and exposed as if everyone could see right through her, and it made her skin crawl. Was it too late to transfer schools? If ever she wanted to run away and forget a place, it was this one.

“Lila?” She startled, twisting around to see Marinette standing behind her with a worried expression. “Are you feeling better? Rose told me you felt sick on Saturday and had to leave early.”

Her brows were knitted together, eyes filled with concern, and Lila felt her heart skip. She should hate her face. She wanted to hate her face. But she didn’t. Truthfully Lila had done a lot of thinking over the weekend, and the realization that Marinette’s actions had all been genuine and likely to make up for her behavior had flipped everything Lila had ever known on its head. No one had ever been her friend before. Not really anyways, and Lila wasn’t quite sure how to process it. She was, however, sure of one thing: she had developed a hopeless crush on Marinette overnight.

It made her whole confession scheme all the more daunting, though also all the more necessary. Lila had never been in love before. Not like this anyway. Sure, she’d set her sights on the hot popular types before, but it usually came with an ulterior motive. But this was different. This made her skin clammy and her hands shaky, and she didn’t know what to do with that.

“Yeah, I got a little stomach bug. I was over it in a day, so it’s fine now,” She said, the lie coming out smoothly, but her face quickly fell. “Um, I’m sorry I missed the rest of your party.”

“That’s okay. I’m just glad you’re feeling better.” Marinette placed her hands on Lila’s shoulders with a cheerful smile that made her spine stiffen. “Hey, why don’t you sleep over this weekend to make up for it?”

“Oh, uh, I- that sounds…great,” She stammered, and Marinette tilted her head to the side, slipping a hand under Lila’s bangs to press her hand to her forehead.

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright? You still feel a little warm.” Lila’s cheeks burned under her concerned gaze, and she swatted Marinette’s hand away.

“I’m fine, and I’ll totally be there Saturday,” She said, and Marinette’s sunniness returned easily.

“Awesome! I can’t wait; I can ask Papa to make my grandma’s pizza for us, and we’ll have tons of movies and games and-” She prattled on as they walked to class, and Lila rubbed her temple with an internalized groan.

This was going to be harder than she thought.

The longer she put it off, the more her guilt was going to eat at her, but there really wasn’t a good time to talk to Marinette alone. She really did know everyone at school, and there was always someone else nearby anytime Lila approached with even a fraction of the confidence she needed. But she had Saturday night to look forward to where she was certain to get Marinette alone if the wait didn’t kill her first.

The mixture of dread and eagerness was doing a number on her mental health, but nonetheless she managed to survive until Saturday. She spent the day watching the clock impatiently until it was finally time to go to Marinette’s house. Her parents weren’t home, as usual, so she locked up and headed out.

“You’re here!” Marinette pulled her into a tight hug the moment she opened the door.

“I told you I would be,” Lila said, patting her back awkwardly.

“Come on in! Papa is almost done with the pizza, and I downloaded that Italian love drama that you recommended,” Marinette said, taking her wrist and pulling her inside.

“Welcome, Lila,” Mrs. Cheng greeted with a smile. “Don’t be shy just make yourself at home.”

“Thanks,” Lila said, twisting the strap on her duffle bag in knots.

“It’s always good to have another Italian in the house,” Her father commented with a grin. “I’ve been perfecting a Bolognese for quite some time now, and I’d love to get your opinion of it sometime.”

“Uh, sure.” Lila nodded, and Marinette placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, you can put your bag up in my room,” She said, pointing up the stairs, and Lila followed after her like a baby duckling.

Her parents were so warm and welcoming, and it weirded Lila out a little bit but in a good way she supposed. It was nice to have people interested in her comfort and, as the proper Italian that Mr. Dupain was, her hunger level. Every time she turned around almost they offered her tea and cookies, bread, cheese, cake, and Lila hadn’t eaten so much since Christmas at her grandmother’s house.

“Well, we’re going to go clean up downstairs while you two watch your movie. Let us know if you need anything,” Mrs. Cheng said as Marinette flopped on the couch beside Lila with a bowl of popcorn.

“Okay. Thanks, Mama,” She said, nodding over her shoulder as her parents retreated downstairs. “Sorry, I know they can be a bit overwhelming sometimes.”

“It’s okay. They’re nice,” Lila said, hugging her knees to her chest.

“What are your parents like?” Marinette asked, clicking the remote to turn on the TV.

“They’re…busy.” Lila shrugged, and Marinette winced apologetically as if she’d broached a sensitive subject which, she had, but Lila wasn’t going to guilt her about it. “They just work a lot that’s all. It’s no biggie.”

“I’m sorry. That must be really lonely,” Marinette said, reaching out to place her hand over Lila’s gently, and Lila fixed her gaze on it, cheeks flushing a little.

“Sometimes, but I manage.” She shrugged. Not very well, as it seemed, but she was hoping to work on that.

“You’re always welcome here if you ever want some company,” Marinette said, and Lila opened her mouth to confess her sins only to be interrupted by the title screen music of their movie.

She faced forward as Marinette hit play and clamped her mouth shut, heart hammering in her chest. Close, but Lila needed more time to find her courage. Sleepovers were a place for really personal and intimate heart-to-hearts, right? Wasn’t that more or less why truth or dare was invented? At least she had cheesy Italian romance to calm her nerves for a while. If only her problems could be solved as simply as the ones in movies.

When the movie finally ended, it was getting late, and Marinette suppressed a yawn. Lila’s pulse quickened, a lump forming in her throat as Marinette turned off the television and turned to her. Should she say it now? Could she say it now? They were alone, but was Lila ready to deal with the consequences of what she had to say?

Worst case scenario, Marinette threw her out and never spoke to her again, but on the other hand, she could totally forgive her then they could enjoy a wonderful evening together. And Lila would be rid of all of her guilt, but the ever looming threat of the first scenario made her stomach churn.

“You ready for bed?” Marinette asked, stretching her arms over her head, and Lila nodded, standing up and heading for the stairs.

“Hey, Marinette…” She blurted boldly before she could overthink it, stopping short on the steps.

“Yeah?” Marinette glanced up at her and cocked a brow.

“Can I tell you something?” She asked, clutching fistfuls of her pajama pants to keep her hands from shaking.

“Of course, what is it?” She prompted with an encouraging smile, and Lila bit her lip, swallowing back a lump in her throat.

“I-I…” Her bravery was cut short when Mr. Dupain’s footsteps sounded in the hallway and seconds later the front door opened.

“Hey, girls, having fun?” He beamed, strolling in casually.

“Yeah, I think we’re gonna head to bed,” Marinette said as her dad filled a cup with water and tipped it back.

“Can I ask you a favor?” He asked, rinsing the cup and setting it in the dishwasher.

“Sure, Papa, what’s up?” Marinette paced down a few steps to meet him.

“I hate to ask this of you, sweetie, but can you repair my apron sometime soon?” Her father asked with an apologetic wince, holding it out to her, and Marinette accepted it without hesitation.

“Of course, Papa. I’ll sew it up tonight,” She said as if it weren’t a big deal.

“It can wait until tomorrow since you have a friend over,” He insisted, waving his hands frantically.

“It won’t take me long,” She said, examining the tear.

“If you’re sure…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Thank you, honey.”

“You’re welcome, Papa.” She stretched up to peck his cheek before following Lila up the stairs to her room. “Good night!”

“Good night.”

“You don’t have to stay up with me,” Marinette said retrieving her sewing kit.

“It’s fine. I’m not tired yet,” She insisted, politely omitting the fact that she was too anxious to fall asleep as of late.

They were alone now, and yet Lila couldn’t bring herself to say much. She couldn’t bring herself to tell the truth. Maybe it was because she wanted to cling to this normalcy and camaraderie for as long as she could since she’d never had real friendships like this before. But this wasn’t real because Lila had always just told lies and put on a face. She’d been so absorbed in her mission that she missed the first opportunity she had to make real friends, and once she told Marinette the truth, she was certain that everything was going to change between them. So, if she were being honest, the real reason she couldn’t bring herself to do it was because she was a coward. Lies were comfortable, and they were all she’d ever known. Even if Marinette forgave her, Lila would start her journey down a long and unfamiliar road, and it terrified her.

So she sat quietly on the chaise next to Marinette, watching her fix the stitching on her father’s apron, wallowing in self-pity and regret until she’d finally finished and stretched her arms above her head with a yawn.

“Ready for bed?” Marinette asked, and Lila nodded, so she stood up to put away her supplies before they both crawled into her bed. “I’m really glad you came tonight. It’s been fun to spend time together with just the two of us.”

“Yeah…” She winced, settling down on her side, and Marinette laid beside her, her face only inches away enough that her breath swirled around Lila’s cheeks.

“I’m really glad that we’re friends, Lila,” She said, taking Lila’s hands in her own. “I hope we can become even closer.”

Lila pressed her lips into a firm line, studying the look in Marinette’s eyes. They were always filled with so much light when they looked at her, and she wondered how anyone could convey such genuine emotion like that. She envied her, her life, her loving relationship with her parents…Deep down it was something that Lila had always wanted but never gotten, so she’d adapted to the life she had. So maybe, if she were lucky, if she hoped and prayed hard enough, she could have a life like Marinette’s someday. A life with friends and happiness and love.

She gave Marinette’s hand a gentle squeeze, a small smile curling on her lips. “Me too.”

Marinette seemed pleased by her response, and she reached up to turn off the light before settling in contently. Lila waited until her breathing slowed and evened out before blinking her eyes open again. She reached out to brush strands of hair behind Marinette’s ear, running her thumb over the earrings. A week ago, Lila would have jumped at such an opportunity to have Marinette so vulnerable before her, such an easy target for her sleight of hand, but things were different now, and Lila couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not after everything Marinette had done for her.

Ladybug had humiliated her on her first day, but Marinette helped her move past that and do something Lila had never done before. Every day when she went to school now, people stopped her in the halls to tell her good morning or compliment her outfit. She had people to sit with at lunch who weren’t just interested in the fantastical stories she had to tell. People who cared about more than just her lies.

In a weird way, Lila was grateful that Ladybug had called her out because if she hadn’t then Lila wouldn’t be lying in a bed with a friend, but rather, she’d likely be at home, alone with nothing but fake admirers and two busy parents. In an instant that road seemed a lot less daunting, and Lila realized that maybe she’d been taking steps down it all this time without realizing.

Because she did find Kim’s jokes funny and Nino’s remixes catchy. She cared about Rose’s letters to Prince Ali, Alix’s new rollerblades, and Max’s newest high score on Ultimate Mecha Strike. Maybe in her mind she’d been pretending at first, but maybe there was also something genuine inside her, and she just didn’t know how to recognize it.

She let her hand drop back onto the pillow, leaving the earrings right where they belonged. Marinette really was a hero, and she’d saved Lila from herself.

When morning came, Lila pulled the blanket over her head to shield herself from the sunlight streaming in through the skylight. Marinette still slept peacefully beside her, and she felt her heart flutter in her chest. Never before in her life had Lila wanted something so badly as she did a fresh start with Marinette. A fresh start with herself. Maybe she wasn’t certain who she would be or where she would end up, but she hoped in her mind that she could be more like Marinette. Genuine, caring, honest. Someone worth loving and being friends with.

Confessing her wrongdoings was only the beginning, and she silently hoped that Marinette could forgive her. After all, she’d forgiven her once already and seemed to like her well-enough now. And for what it was worth, Lila had forgiven her too, and it was a weight lifted from her shoulders. She hadn’t realized how heavy a grudge could be until she finally stopped carrying one.

“Girls! Breakfast!” Mrs. Cheng called up the stairs, and Marinette shifted in her sleep, eyelids fluttering open a few moments later.

“Good morning,” She yawned, stretching her legs out.

“Morning,” Lila said groggily, rubbing her eyes.

“Did you sleep okay?” Marinette asked, sitting up. “I didn’t hog the bed, did I?”

“No, you were fine,” She insisted, shaking her head. “I hope that I didn’t steal the blanket too much.”

“Honestly if you did, I didn’t notice. Once I’m asleep I’m completely out.” She rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. “Are you hungry? I’m sure Papa baked us something for breakfast.”

Lila detected the faint smell of bread, and her stomach growled embarrassingly loud. Marinette giggled as she clamped her hands over it, cheeks flushing. She seemed so relaxed, the polar opposite of the storm raging inside Lila’s mind. Would she be able to smile so care freely one day too?

“Good morning, girls,” Mrs. Cheng greeted as they climbed down the stairs.

“Morning, Mom.” Marinette pecked her cheek before taking a seat at the table, decorated with fresh fruit and bread.

Everything in their life was so warm and filled with love. As Marinette sliced pieces of bread, Mrs. Cheng poured them tea, and Lila felt a bit overwhelmed. She wasn’t used to dining with other people at breakfast as her parents just took their cups of coffee to go. Only on holidays would her whole family get together to share a meal.

“Did you two sleep okay?” Mrs. Cheng asked, taking a sip of her tea. “You didn’t stay up all night gossiping, did you?”

“No, we went to bed, and I fixed Papa’s apron for him,” Marinette said, slathering her slice with jam before taking a bite.

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to get it back.” She perked up. “I’ll go run it down to him and let you girls finish eating.”

“Okay. It’s on my desk next to my sewing machine,” Marinette instructed as her mother disappeared up the stairs, and Lila waited until she returned all the way down to the bakery before flicking her gaze to Marinette.

“Alya and the girls are going to the pool today, do you want to come?” She asked, scrolling through her messages on her phone.

“S-Sure.” She nodded, rubbing her sweating palms on her fleecy pajamas.

“Awesome! I’ll let them know,” She said, keys clacking as she typed a quick response.

“Um, actually, can I tell you something first?” Lila started, swallowing back the lump in her throat.

“Sure,” Marinette said, sobering and turning to face her fully.

“I want to be honest with you, for once, because I see now how petty I’ve been, and I want to be better.” Marinette tilted her head a little in confusion but listened intently nonetheless. “I know your secret, Marinette. I have for a while…”

“M-My secret?” Her eyebrows raised in surprise as a nervous grin crept over her lips.

“I saw you in the library the day after I arrived at school. I know that you’re Ladybug.” Marinette’s eyes widened worriedly, and Lila averted her gaze with a shrug. “It’s fine. I’m not going to tell anybody, but I want you to know something about me that might ruin our friendship, but I’m tired of pretending. For once in my life, I want something real.”

She paused for a moment as Marinette’s jaw closed, and she nodded for Lila to continue.

“When I found out who you were, I was angry because I felt like you were befriending me to mock me, and I thought that everything you were doing was fake. So I pretended to be your friend hoping to get back at you for everything you did to me, and I hated your guts because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t beat you.” She gripped her pajamas nervously, gaze locked on the table. “I even planned to steal your earrings from you so that you couldn’t be Ladybug anymore. That’s why I gave you those stupid fake ones for your birthday. I thought that you were like me, and that you had everyone wrapped around your finger because you made them revere you. But I was wrong.

“People like you because you care. They’re your friends because you’re always standing up for them and putting your neck out for them. You’ve never been fake to any of them, and when I realized that, I was ashamed. You have everything I’ve always wanted, and I’ve been really jealous of you all this time. And you’ve only ever been nice to me and been my friend, and I-I…” She ran a hand across her cheek, feeling something hot and wet touch her skin, lip quivering, but she continued. “I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be more like you. I want to be honest and have friends, and I want to be friends with you. For real this time, but I understand if you hate me.”

Marinette sat in stunned silence for a moment while Lila hiccupped and whimpered pathetically before she reached out to place her hand over Lila’s with a sympathetic smile.

“I don’t hate you,” She said gently, scooting closer. “In fact, I don’t blame you. The things Ladybug said to you- the things I said to you were harsh and uncalled for. The truth is, I was jealous of you and worried that you were going to steal Adrien away from me, and I got angry and lashed out at you.”

“You had every right to. I was using you to make myself look better because I never expected Ladybug to drop out of the sky and call me out like that.” She rubbed her nose and sniffled. “I hated you so much when I found out. I hated you more than anyone, but I couldn’t- you’re so genuine and honest, and I’ve never had that before. I want to hate you, but I can’t.”

She paused to take a breath. “I realized that I can’t hate you because I love you. I love you, and I want to be with you, but I know I don’t deserve you.”

“We’ve both done things we aren’t proud of, but I’m willing to put it behind us if you are.” Lila glanced up to meet her kind gaze, feeling her tears welling up again. “Honestly, I was expecting you to confess your feelings to me all this time, but I never expected that you knew my secret…I felt a little guilty too knowing what I did to you as Ladybug before I even knew you. Because once I got to know you, I couldn’t help but fall for you.”

“I don’t deserve someone like you,” She wailed, burying her face in Marinette’s chest. “You’re so nice and gentle and caring, and I’m so horrible and mean and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for lying to make myself look better. I’m sorry I pretended to be your friend. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“I don’t think you’re horrible.” Marinette shook her head, running her fingers through Lila’s hair. “You’ve done horrible things and been mean, but that doesn’t mean that has to be who you are. You can change all that and turn that girl you’ve been pretending to be into the real you.”

“I don’t know how,” She said, sitting up, and Marinette cupped her face, brushing a tear from her cheek.

“Then it’s a good thing you’ve got me,” She said with a laugh. “Because I love you too, Lila, and I’m willing to help you so long as you want to be better.”

“I do. I want to be someone who deserves your love,” She whimpered, and Marinette took her hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. “I don’t know who I am without all of my lies, but I know that I want to be more open and honest with others and with myself.”

Marinette smiled brightly, and for the first time in a long time, Lila smiled too. Not out of want for something or to manipulate someone into getting her way, but out of happiness. Her chest was warm and overflowing with happiness and light, and tears streamed down her cheeks as Marinette held her close. There she was safe, and there she was loved, and she had a lot of work to do.

#miraculous ladybug #lilanette #lila rossi #marinette dupain-cheng #my writing #how to catch a ladybug #finale

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