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#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys · 1 year

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So I decided back in September that it is Time. The time has come. I am going to try and get a formal diagnosis for my blatant and provable ADHD, because I am very interested in Doing Laundry

And in my defence it has only taken until this week (late January) to kick things off, which I am very aware should probably be part of the diagnostic criteria

Anyway

I have a plan! For the best chance of being taken seriously. If the university can do their in-house screening of me, I can go to my GP and make the following two points:

I am here because my boss felt I said "But everyone does that" one too many times while discussing the ND students, and she wants me to chase this in case it means she can support me better (I of course am charmingly bemused about it because I personally would never try and get diagnosed, no no, only those attention-seeking fakers do that)

An official educational institution i.e. my employer has in fact initially assessed me and deemed me Medically Distractible. I even have an ALN plan, look. So uhhhhh, maybe my boss is right? (I of course remain charmingly bemused about it because I obviously don't really believe it, no no, I could never be the expert on my own experience, but a Third Party is invested, so...)

Anyway yesterday the uni got in touch, and had me do the initial screening.

Now, they're doing it as part of a wider screening process of learning needs, so they also check you for dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, and autism, as well as ADHD. Plus how good your reading/writing/maths is. Plus they make you do these really fun tests - one was like a classic American spelling bee, one was a spelling test where they read out increasingly lengthy fake words and you had to spell them (we started with "blit", and by the end she was saying things like "unintarcation" and "iffrig-oggonery" and "self-regulating free market" trololol I JEST), and the other was that she'd read out a string of numbers and I had to type them backwards to test my working memory

Good fun, actually. Anyway, my results were mostly completely fine:

Study skills are good! I mean, we're going orange at the end, look, time management is bad - but that's the ADHD, so expected.

No problems with the tests! I mean I'm slightly grumpy about the social and communication score going blue, because I'm pretty sure it's because I explained how I was bullied in school, which I feel is more about them than me. But eh.

Dyspraxia was a little less solid- that's the time blindness, I think. Also attention and concentration, that's expected. Maths, lol - that's not medical, I'm just bad at maths.

The autism testing. Again, mostly fine, but some overlap with ADHD symptoms, so blue instead of green. Makes sense.

And then

Fucking rinsed.

#tedious personal details #neurodivergence

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inf1nyxw0rlds · 2 months

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Infinite ask game

4,16,17,19

okay!!!! big batch let's fucking go :3

4. scarf or fluff?

i'm in the minority – a scarf liker <3 it's not that i dislike the fluff, it's just what stuck

16. do you have any disability headcanons?

that guy is half blind. vision in his right eye is Gone, and he actually struggles with reasonable fear that he will lose sight in his left as well, as most opponents can tell it's an easy target.

he also has autism, adhd, and dpdr in addition to depression and anxiety. as a result, he struggles with overstimulation, but understimulation too, and is often caught between a need for routine and a need to be spontaneous. his impulsive nature is part of why he was pushed into the role of leadership; he takes initiative. it isn't always a good thing, though. a lot of his symptoms are internalised, and his thoughts are often very quick, obsessive, and jumbled into an overlapping mess. he dissociates due to severe stress, and is disconnected from himself, others and his surroundings as a result of trauma. he has no idea what's wrong with him – only that something has to be, because he's been criticised since he was a child. he sees himself as an inherent failure.

his squad know he has some struggles, but he never talks about how bad. they're accepting because they understand, and see good in the traits that he loathes that nobody else ever has

17. how old do you think he is?

mid to late 20s. for me, he's 25/26 in forces. he met the first member of his squad when he was 18 – he's known them a long time.

19. do you think he can be redeemed? do you want him to be?

i think he can be, yeah – but it's a complicated, messy journey, and a very long one too. i'd like to see it, because i do like tragedy but i also want to see him dig himself out of that hole, clawing and biting and screaming but ultimately finally finding the peace he never thought he could, in ways he never thought he could, able to be genuine, picking away his trauma like shrapnel from his flesh. day by day – one piece at a time. the scars will remain, it will still be part of him, but those wounds will hurt less and heal over. i want to see the hardship, the agony of change, the ugly parts of growth. but i know that the way they would tackle it in canon may not be satisfying, to me or others, if they did. actually, redemption aside, my most controversial infinite take is that i'm not sure i want him to return, because i have no idea what we would get.

he could still be compelling as a villain though, or someone who lingers in a grey area and does his own thing, not allied to anybody in particular

#transmission #infinite tag #INFINITE OPINIONS UPON U

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baladric · 1 year

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hey sorry if this totally out of line but I think you've talked on here about being both adhd & autistic? do you happen to have any resources or recommendations of people to follow or sth etc about that? I'm increasingly thinking that that's me and a lot of the stuff I'm finding is only about one or the other and i dont quite relate to it or else it's flat out ableist bullshit -- id really just like to be able to see more from people who are kinda similar ish

omggg, hello, friend!!!!!

i personally don't have any resources except my psychiatrist, who corroborated my hunches from the jump and periodically has things to say about the absolutely bonkers overlap b/t adhd, the autism spectrum, and (a much less discussed thing) ocd. it's all neurodivergence, which means the paths our brains tread sometimes share patterns (esp sensory issues b/t adhd & autism, and a desperate need for set routines b/t autism & ocd, etc) and comorbid a whole lot more than we really discuss. my suspicion is there just hadn't been enough serious research (unbiased double-blinds and such) into neurodivergence as whole, and so it's not quite understood how exactly they all overlap, and where the borders are between them (and even if there really are borders)

the few sort of. idk, things that helped me recognize myself were videos my best friend sent me on tiktok, and i famously loathe tiktok and am not on there but if you find the right ones they're actually super super helpful. largely bc it's real people relating their lived experiences, and also bc sometimes it's like people on the forefront of neuropsychology or presently in school for it, talking about stuff.

i will say, if it helps at all, that my path has been an extremely wonky one that i think has a whole lot to do with alexithymia (inability to name your emotions) where i never identified with the really simplistic language of autistic and adhd symptoms, bc like. for example, i had never thought hard enough about how loud sudden sounds effect me to realize that yes, it is the experience of physical pain that's described as part of neurodivergent sensory issues—a phraseology that i really did not identify with the first hundred times i read about it, because i just don't think abt myself in simple concepts like pain. and on and on like that.

i haven't sought formal diagnosis for a few reasons, but imo "diagnosis" is a weird bar to set. i know several deeply ND people who tested negative for adhd, and one negative for autism, and like man, i personally escaped any concern from teachers or family for my entire life, despite the lens of hindsight i have now that so so loudly says that was an autistic adhd child in egregious amounts of daily distress—because i speak well (one teacher called me "silver-tongued" in a disciplinary meeting in college, which was like Damn Okay, You Beethoven-Lookin Walnut) so it's all extremely weird and hazy!

bc i'm bad at compiling resources myself, my (deeply virgo) best friend has a few suggestions!

blog post of resources for autism, ADHD, and AuDHD (this is GOLD)

generally searching "AuDHD" on tiktok turns up some good first-hand/lived experience resources (lots of talk about stimming that we don't necessarily recognize as stimming, which helped me SO much bc oh shit i am actually constantly stimming huh????)

a few folks on twitter: Structured Success (whose handle is StructuredSucc which is just.... so incredible that i have to lie down now.......), AutisticCallum_, and AutisticCoach_

i'm sure there's ppl on tumblr talking about audhd too, so if any of my followers have those, pls comment and i'll add them in!!! (and follow them myself ;akdfjalwdj)

i hope this was helpful at all, and if you have any questions or anything i'm very open to talking about this!! honestly i would love for more of us to learn this shit abt ourselves earlier in life than i did, bc my lack of understanding of how my brain works instilled so, so much shame in me. this was ofc because of the rhetoric teachers & family members threw at me while i was growing up (didn't do homework despite being "gifted"? Laziness. never cleaned room? Slob/Lazy. very subtle tantrums from overstim that i repressed so hard they looked like sullenness from the outside? Ungrateful or Rude. couldn't ever make friends? Shy, Awkward, Boring, Weird, Cold, Unfriendly, Unaccomodating.) and, you know. the shit ppl say in your formative years has a tendency to stick lmfaoooo so i'm still rooting that poison out, you know? so please, please ask me—and i'll say, much like transness, if you're wondering about this? probably the answer is yes, and that's honestly a wonderful fucking thing, 100% fully believe that. understanding myself in this way has saved my life, bc i know myself now and can now hold grace for myself and advocate for my needs.

this is SO long i'm sorry anyway hey anon if you got through this monster of a post, i LOVE you, you're doing so so good and i am handing you and orange and one of the very happy zinnias from my front yard <3 <3 <3

#audhd #autism #adhd #neurodivergence #aj answers #anonymous ask #ask

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pelle-ohlin · 2 years

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I want to talk for a little while, anonymously, about how hard it was to get diagnosed properly with mental illness as a person “assigned female at birth”.

(For the record, I don’t consider myself “female” except as in body. I recognize all people with this anatomy will share a certain experience and bond that can not be undermined or even shed. I have always been male on the inside since I was a child, but the world was never ready to give me the . . . uh, reception I desired, so I repressed it - More on this later. At this point I honestly consider myself a “starseed unconcerned with gender, but somewhat obsessed with its presentation due to toxic patterns from the previous generation.” I think of gender presentation as a way to fuck with people and get what you want, and nothing more.)

But anyways.

It took me ten years and more false diagnoses than I could count to get diagnosed with the proper conditions and to find a medication that would actually help. The conditions I actually have are “Autism Spectrum Disorder” (formerly known as aspergers, which I greatly prefer. I hate the new umbrellization of it), ADHD, and OCD. There is also some schizophrenic overlap, but my psychologist can’t really figure that one out to this day and says it’s probably just the autism and OCD manifesting in weird ways. He does not think I have true schizophrenia.

The only drug that actually helps me is Adderall--also known as Amphetamine-Dextroamphetamine--basically meth. Benzos would MASK the symptoms but not HELP like Adderall does. (And thanks to constant fuckups from doctors and endless misdiagnoses, I’m still addicted to Klonopin to this day, although now I mainly use it to get to sleep)

Things I’ve been misdiagnosed with:

General anxiety disorder

Panic disorder

PTSD

Schizophrenia

Bipolar disorder

Depression (I probably do have this because I talk about killing myself like every other day lol. But it was a symptom, not a cause)

And this is ALL BECAUSE DOCTORS CAN’T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT PEOPLE BORN WITH FEMALE ANATOMY “CAN’T HAVE AUTISM OR ADHD.”

After FINALLY. FUCKING FINALLY. getting diagnosed with (SEVERE) ADHD as an adult last year, I’ve completely turned my life upside down. I’m serious, it’s fucking clown world levels of bizarre. I’m able to function socially on a level that makes no sense. I was able to get a job that pays more than both my parents combined in like 2 months. I can sit down and write 4,000 words in one day where before I would struggle with a couple hundred.

And when I look back, the signs are fucking absurd. I have fucking EVERY PRESENTATION of early childhood severe ADHD. Screaming in the halls, getting up and walking around during class, doing bad in school despite being really smart, blah blah blah. I was abused by the Catholic school system instead of actually being treated, but that’s another story in itself.

Same with Aspergers. Jesus fucking christ how obvious was this one? I used to run an entire fucking blog focused entirely on dead. I get hyper-interested in things and lose my goddamn mind. Socializing is like navigating a fucking mouse maze in flowers for algernon for me (after he starts getting stupid again). I’ve felt like an alien since my first sentient memory.

But no, since I was born “female,” doctors always wrote it off as “anxiety.”

When I take Adderall, the anxiety is gone completely. It feels like I can focus. It feels like I was blind all my goddamn life and now I can fucking see.

The benzos would just fucking put a god damned blanket on the fire. This shit actually calms me down and makes everything clear. Imagine the shit I could have done if I got on it before I was 30 years old.

But anyways, I was also thrown countless antidepressants, weird anxiety medications, even antipsychotics . . . But when I for the first time took that little blue pill . . . I was like ...... Oh.

I’m not talking “I shift around a little bit in my seat and feel edgy” I’m talking the ADHD was so bad my mind would be racing in fucking crazy thought loops LITERALLY 14 hours straight sometimes. It was literal torture combined with the pure O-type OCD. Horrible.

It feels like I’m alive again when I take this shit. When I take the benzos I feel dead.

(I have an atypical response to all SSRI-type antidepressants so for anxiety benzos are my only option. But surprise, IT WASN’T ANXIETY you god damnd idiots)

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words-writ-in-starlight · 3 years

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What’s the difference between autism and adhd ? I’m going through you adhd tag and now I’m trying to guess whenever I have adhd or if autism + c-ptsd are wrecking my focus.

Hey anon, I feel you very hard! With the caveat that I am not a doctor and even self-diagnosis shouldn’t depend on taking the word of a random dude on the internet, here is my broad assessment, as a person with ADHD and C-PTSD but probably not autism:

All three feature a lot of overlap, both between the three and between individual pairs. For example, PTSD and ADHD can both present with focusing difficulties, memory problems, and hypervigilant behavior. ADHD and autism are highly comorbid--meaning, they appear together a lot, and one can easily mask the other because diagnostic tests aren’t always designed to separate them. More to the point, they share a lot of traits--hyperfixations and special interests are functionally the same thing, we both tend to stim a lot, we both have that once I start talking I can’t fucking stop thing. All of them share a big list of symptoms, including rejection sensitivity, difficulty in social situations, difficulty regulating emotions, sleep problems, the works. This can make it hard to parse the things that are characterized by “shared” symptoms--in this case, difficulty regulating your focus.

The things ADHD has that are not typical of autism or PTSD include:

Hyperactive behavior: this is different from stimming because it’s not attached to an actual sensation. I just can’t sit the hell down and hold still, at all, ever. It makes me feel like ants are crawling on my skin, and then it makes me frustrated, and then it makes me panicky, and then it makes me angry, and it pretty much goes downhill from there. Not everyone with ADHD has this symptom (I recommend looking up the distinction between Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined ADHD; I have combined type), but it’s still worth mentioning.

Short attention span: focus is the ability to dedicate your energy to a task; attention is the ability to keep your brain on that task at all. If I’m having a bad day or I forget my meds, I’ll just wind up staring at a wall or flipping through papers on my desk or something whenever my brain decides it’s done thinking about something. This is your classic Inattentive ADHD symptom. It is also why I have a list of every single minute task I need to do every day, because if my attention span ends before I’m expecting it to, I’ll forget everything I’m doing.

Poor sense of danger: not just a lack of impulse control, but your brain genuinely not telling you something is dangerous until you’ve already done it. One time I submerged my arm almost to the shoulder in 175 F water and the only reason I didn’t have to go to the hospital was because pain reflexes don’t have to report to your brain. I’m very delicately wired for threat responses, I’ll jump out of my skin if you drop a pencil, but if I had a dollar for every time I had to have my girlfriend bark DON’T TOUCH THAT right before I grabbed a hot pan, I’d be paying our Brooklyn rent.

Time blindness: ADHD means that I live at the mercy of the alarms on my phone. I have absolutely no sense of how long it’s been since I did anything, nor how long I have until I need to do something else. Have I been awake for an hour or four? How long has it been since I ate? If I have an appointment tomorrow, it basically doesn’t exist, right? You know how everyone started talking about how it seems like the only time that exists is Right Now since the start of the pandemic? That’s what ADHD feels like, all the time.

Interest-driven motivation: general executive dysfunction is one thing, but ADHD is characterized by a total lack of motivation for things that aren’t interesting. I essentially have to have someone physically in the room watching me the entire time if I’m going to clean my room. This is also because people with ADHD often also have trouble planning, which is such a related problem in my experience that I’m going to put it here. I can’t parse what parts of “cleaning my room” need to happen in what order, and also, my brain hates it, so if I try to do it alone, I just end up a little puddle of overwhelmed, understimulated despair on the floor.

Understimulation: this is, in my experience, the big one. ADHD is basically your brain being unable to provide a minimum level of stimulus to keep itself happy. That means that when people with ADHD get understimulated, we get depressed. If I sit in a waiting room with nothing to do for an hour before an appointment, I’m going to be on the verge of a meltdown by the time I’m done. I’ve developed an endless list of “time filling” activities to keep my brain from dropping into the black void of boredom. I’ve experienced a lot of emotions in my day and Nothing To Do is probably in the top three worst feelings I’ve ever felt. Personally PTSD tends to manifest as my brain not caring about stimulation anymore, probably because PTSD is plenty of simulation all by itself--if I’m sitting quietly in a dark room, something has gone horribly wrong.

Anyway, that’s what I can think of offhand. If you’re more of a visual thinker, this Venn diagram is a great TL;DR of this post. Obviously, plenty of people have atypical presentations of other disorders that might share traits listed here, but these are the things that, in my experience, are more characteristic of ADHD than PTSD or autism.

As ever, if you’re really struggling and you feel like you need help and you have the option, I recommend a professional opinion over Some Guy Online, but this guy online thinks you’re doing great. Be gentle with yourself--the slow creep of worldwide trauma created by the pandemic means that a lot of people are struggling to keep their footing, psychologically speaking. That very frequently manifests as focusing problems, especially for those of us with pre-existing disorders. Don’t rush to a diagnosis in the middle of a worldwide disaster, but also, take yourself seriously. The name of the disorder is secondary to the fact that you’re having a hard time, so don’t forget to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

#adventures in adhd #actually adhd #cptsd #adventures in ptsd #advice from star #again i am NOT a professional but i AM very proud of everyone trying to take care of themselves during these dark days!#feeling some powerful big sister energy toward everyone on my blog looking for advice these days #please sit down with me so that i can braid your hair and tell you how good you're doing #i have dnd with my girlfriend's baby sister tomorrow and i'm projecting wildly on everyone don't worry about it #something something Big Sister Energy Is Gender Neutral #my pronouns are not related to my Weird Dad and Big Sister vibes thank you all kindly #a queue we will keep and our honor someday avenge #Anonymous #asked and answered

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lemonbalmgirl · 3 years

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An outcome.

Because @tawghasa wanted an update after it happened.

My appointment with Kaiser behavioral health about potentially having ADHD was this morning. Yesterday, I started making a list of symptoms I suspected I had, but then (ironically) found that overwhelming and stopped. Still, a partial list was better than none?

Anxiety was rough this morning. Managed to take a shower, eat a few bites of something, and chug some water before the appointment.

Then the appointment happened, approximately 50 minutes. The clinician stated that she was assessing my need for behavioral health services, and based on that wording, I still wasn’t completely sure if this was my diagnostic appointment or not. Turns out it was.

They asked me various questions about life, childhood, school, other mental health conditions, etc. Since I’d basically been told to trust the process and that they would weight answers to their own questions much more than anything I brought to the table with me, I wasn’t assertive with my list of suspected symptoms. And I thought that at some point, they would ask me why I thought I might have ADHD. But they didn’t.

The gist of it at the end was, "Well, you have a counselor, go talk to them about stuff. It's all probably your anxiety."

I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria, with emphasis on how I didn't have trouble with school prior to age 12 and didn’t have any hyperactive symptoms.

I don’t want to outright say that I think this clinician was wrong, because I don’t have a background in psychology or diagnosing/treating neurodevelopmental disorders. I guess I just expected there to be more interest in my own observations? If my counselor thought it was all just anxiety, I don't think she would have told me she didn’t think I was barking up the wrong tree regarding ADHD or have suggested I talk to my doctor about it, which is I how I ended up with this referral. I know there’s a lot of overlap between depression, anxiety, & ADHD, but from what I’ve read, some of the symptoms I relate to are specific to ADHD (or autism spectrum disorders) and not depression & anxiety. ((Not having the things I relate to be “official” enough symptoms to “count” was one of my anxieties about this appointment, actually.))

I held it together for the last few minutes of the video appointment, then promptly lost it as soon as it was over. I haven’t felt that invalidated in a long time. I ended up cancelling half the things I was going to do today because my fucks evaporated.

I posted about this in a filtered post on FB and certain friends made some comments that were comforting, specifically about how they’d had trouble getting diagnosed themselves and how this outcome doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t have ADHD - it’s difficult for adults, especially women, to get diagnosed and this may be an example of that.

Part of the reason I wanted to get diagnosed was validation. A lot of the symptoms I think I have - executive dysfunction, time blindness, short-term/working memory issues - are things that a certain parent always implied were character flaws, and it’s only with researching over the past year that I’ve realized just how much I internalized that during my teens & early twenties. So, I wanted validation that these were legitimate problems that I had no control over and should not have been chastised for.

The other thing is that I have a lot of difficulty existing in limbo. Do I have ADHD or not? Plenty of people have told me that I should use ADHD coping methods if they’re helpful, regardless of whether I officially have it or not. And I completely understand why they’re saying that. I also know that I find that difficult, because I don’t know if I can separate using the coping mechanisms from having the condition. And I don’t want to claim to have the condition if I don’t have it, because I know I’ll probably incorporate it into my identity like I have depression and anxiety. (This particular part of things is really difficult to articulate clearly.) And I don’t think it’s helpful to think I have a condition if I don’t, you know? But compared to depression and anxiety, you can’t say that you have a little ADHD you’re dealing with.

I’m not really sure what my plan is going forward. I’ll talk to my counselor in about 2 weeks and this will probably fill the entire appointment. I’ll probably end up doing further reading on ADHD in women and try working on a couple of coping mechanisms despite what I just said about them.

Sooooo yeah, that’s what happened.

#personal #mental health

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pretty-volatile · 3 years

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Thursday, November 4, 2021 3:02 am

Lol I haven't posted a journal entry in here since January. Which like to touch up on the situation with my father's wife, still no resolution, but I'm still not happy with her and like whatever I guess. Fuck that. My middle sibling is pan & genderfluid and I'm so happy for them, especially for figuring it out at a much younger age than me which makes me inner child happy too because that's all I want for others, to find themselves. My youngest sibling just got a phone and I adore her as well. They're both like me tbh just at like different stages in my life and I love them so much. Aside from my partner, they're also my reason to keep going because I want a relationship with them that's not just visits, but like they can talk to me whenever about whatever.

But as far as a mental health update: I self diagnosed with autism in like August/September. It started as an advocating for others thing, to finally giving in and realizing that those were some of my own experiences too and I had a little voice in my head about it for a while now, but it wasn't until this year that I really did A LOT of research and self tests and listening to videos and listening to the real life experiences and relating with it a lot to myself.

I still believe I have BPD, but I have cut myself off from people a lot because of the fp/person hyperfixation/social anxiety shit so the most it comes out now is with my partner/at work but I've been working on that and realizing that a lot of it coincides with my autism/ADHD/OCD.

I still think I have bipolar w/ psychosis because even with the meltdowns/shutdowns/burnouts I can still tell that I get manic and I still have to deal coming close to psychosis and my moods still have a sort of cyclical type pattern to them.

I definitely have PTSD/cPTSD. Individual events trauma and then the abuse & masking I've had to endure. Triggers are everywhere, ugh.

I still struggle with my eating disorder. My autism/ADHD really fuck with it though. My interoception is so off.

I most certainly have OCD, but a lot of it overlaps with my autism too.

Oh yeah still have ADHD. Executive dysfunction sucks, time blindness sucks, hyperfixation (at inconvenient times) sucks, etc.

I think it's likely, though not ready to assign the label so to speak, that I could have symptoms of AvPD and DPD. I wouldn't be surprised, there's enough trauma and disabled family history that I could really just be that goofed up. But then some stuff could overlap with the other shit, but honestly all of my disabilities are like knotted together anyway so...

However! On top of discovering that I too have autism, I started paying attention to my gut. Because it started going back to that super stressed out immense pain hurting and realizing that gut issues are a common thing for autistic folx and being like huh. So I started to become more aware of my body and all the pain I was just storing away or something or just ignoring, idk. But I remembered how my anxiety/stress would affect my digestion, but then recently I also noticed how a lot for the symptoms I have...it kind of points to a gluten sensitivity. Possibly even Celiac's. Which really fucking sucks. Because I struggle to eat as it is and now I might have to change my "diet" around to be gluten-free or at least until I can be diagnosed officially at least very little gluten. Yes I know I have to eat my normal amount that I would once they do blood tests. I've also obsessively researched this too. My autism/OCD really coincide when it comes to researching...oh and especially when you sprinkle in some ADHD hyperfixation, oof, off we go, 3 hours later.... Lol. Which I've noticed feeling weak, and I've had a lot of fatigue and joint/muscle pain and headaches, and I've always had skin issues. But I think I may have iron-deficient anemia and I'm probably low on vitamin D since I'm not absorbing nutrients as well. Bruising easily.

I could possibly have POTS, or it could be the anemia. But birth giver has it, so it's possible....

I still think I have endometriosis and my partner pointed out the possibility of PMDD. Birth giver has endo too.

Last but not least, I think it's possible I could have EDS, possible specifically kEDS. While not officially diagnosed, scoliosis has been mentioned by a doctor during a physical and I feel SO much pain in my spine. My knees are fucked up. My shoulders are fucked up, right one has dislocated a few times. My hip pops out of place sometimes. My skin is soft and stretchy, not just loose skin either. My scars do a similar thing that I've seen on others. Sometimes it even feels like my knees give out. I'm double jointed/hyper mobile in my hands, elbows (kinda) and knees. So on and so forth, I'm tired.

But yeah lots of shit. It sucks. I've been overwhelmed/stressed/shutdown/burnt out ever since the quarter started and I haven't been able to attend classes since then with all this pain and gut issues I'm having. Plus the social shit exhausted the ever loving shit out of me.

For the celiac, POTS, and EDS I want to be tested for, which I may consider a formal diagnosis of autism if I'm already doing all that work, idk. It's not as important for me unless it'll help with the other diagnoses.

#journal entry #autistic #autism #bpd #avpd #DPD #bipolar w psychosis #ptsd #cPTSD #osfed #ocd #adhd #celiac #POTS #EDS #kEDS #endometriosis #PMDD

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silenthillmutual · 4 years

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[ID: Anonymous said: this isnt like, a demand or request, just an expression of interest - you mentioned in your daniil-is-autistic post that you also think artemy is neurodivergent, and i would really enjoy seeing a similar post on that topic. thank you, have a nice day.]

(anon is referring to this post!)

i do have some thoughts that i would like to share about that topic! however comma, it probably will not be as in-depth as my post about daniil, as i am myself autistic and have had a couple years since being diagnosed to ruminate on places where that has affected my life, and so it’s easier to write about coming from a place of personal experience. i can do the same with depression, for the same reason.

i have a couple of ideas about what artemy could have:

adhd

ptsd

ocd

i won’t really be going into ptsd or ocd on this post because i feel like it’s more difficult to point the ptsd out (artemy doesn’t talk much about or flashback at all to being on the front) and because i think ocd should have its own post. it is severely misunderstood, even by other neurodivergent people. plus i think all four of the healers have it (or aspects of it), and this post is about artemy.

i feel like… something about the dsmv diagnostic criteria for adhd feels condescending to me, like it feels the way it’s worded places a lot of the blame on the person who has it? and some of the criteria like “fails to follow through on instructions”, “does not seem to listen when spoken to directly”, “has trouble holding attention on tasks” can depend greatly on the player. not as much of that is baked into artemy’s character and dialogue in the same way that social ineptitude, which is a core feature of autism, is baked into daniil’s character and dialogue.

with that being said: while i will include a few things from the diagnostic dsmv diagnositic criteria as listed on the cdc website, i am going to primarily be thinking about accounts from people with adhd. i have several friends with adhd (and i suspect that i may have it, though i’ve only come to suspect this recently and have had less time to think on it) whose experiences i will be taking into account.

other links to sources i am referring to: [adhd/autism venn diagram by tfw-adhd] [what those symptoms look like in adults, by chadd] [ptsd criteria on brainline] [ocd criteria on beyondocd]

vague spoilers for pathologic classic & pathologic 2

very briefly & quickly: ptsd & ocd

the problem with going into it is this game is already a very difficult and anxiety-inducing world because of the plague and i’d argue that any of the healers could have one or both of these either before the outbreak or after it, so here are some things that stick out to me for

ptsd - overly negative thoughts or assumptions about oneself or the world (can overlap with adhd; artemy has the option to repeatedly blame himself for his father’s death), negative affect, feeling isolated, irritability or aggression, risky or destructive behavior, hypervigilance (any game that dabbles in horror aspects will expect this from you), difficulty sleeping (overlaps with adhd), depersonalization (this is a core aspect of the theatre theme of the game)

ocd - without going through the entire ybocs, i’ll just say that i think all three healers struggle with hoarding (understandably and by necessity) and hypermorality (all three protagonists believe they are the one and only person who is right, rubin is awfully judgmental of people who don’t abide by his personal standards). compulsions would be easier to point out in the game than the obsessions they are linked to, as we’re not exactly privvy to intrusive thoughts outside of the dreams. you could, however, say that artemy struggles with intrusive thoughts of causing harm even inadvertantly and argue that he takes measures to ensure that he doesn’t, won’t, and hasn’t. in classic, this is highly dependent on playstyle.

[this is my standard disclaimer that i have an official diagnosis of ptsd so i’m not just pulling this out of nowhere and am about 98% sure i have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and have researched it thoroughly.]

what’s built into the game: making careless mistakes, poor planning skills, time blindness / anxiety, executive dysfunction

pathologic is a game that sometimes feels like you’re being set up for failure. something that i missed talking about in my previous post is that it often feels like an autism/adhd simulator because it is, in classic, so very easy to screw yourself over and get locked out of an objective by picking the wrong dialogue option. while some of the correct dialogue options are obvious, others feel like a guessing game and you have to just hope you’re picking the right thing and have made a save file at the right place to go back and pick different options in the case that you’ve bungled something. hence, “making careless mistakes”. it’s a little bit easier in 2, as dialogue options that end a conversation are indicated with a diamond (thank you to whomever decided on that!), but it makes up for this by being unforgiving in other aspects. i believe the difficulty settings for imago state that the game is intended to be “almost unbearable” - and lots of people have difficulty completing it on the intended difficulty without cheats. (do not discourse about this on my post.) the game invites you to make careless mistakes and either live with or learn from them.

keeping this in mind, you’re kind of expected to have “poor planning skills” on at least your first time playing it. part of the game’s point is that you can’t do everything, and you can’t save everyone. not paying close enough attention or interpreting the instructions of the game just right in classic can cost you the lives of several of your bound.

that also feeds into time blindness & time anxiety. classic & 2 do these in different ways. in classic, you can’t run, so you have to hope you’re not busy doing something else or else hope that all of your letters come in at a time where you can hit up all the places you need to go, or you’re going to be cutting it short on time for the day. in 2, you can run, but there are far more sidequests to be completed than in classic.

i’d also argue that executive dysfunction is a core aspect of the game. you are very busy and very poor and items are very expensive, meaning that unless you know what you’re in for, either you or the town is low on resources or funds or time to do things like eat, sleep, and take care of your aches, immunity, and infection. all of which can be avoided if you don’t make careless mistakes, have good planning skills, and can manage your time wisely.

“interrupts or intrudes on others”

i don’t appear to have a screenshot of him doing this in 2, but he and daniil do have at least one conversation in which they keep interrupting each other. peak autism/adhd solidarity.

i do, however, have a screenshot example of him doing this to clara in pathologic classic

Haruspex: …Wait a second. If there was nothing but the great Bull, where did the stars and light come from? Changeling: Oh, don’t interrupt!

and as for intruding - khan feels that he does this frequently: intruding on him and capella at the station, intruding on him and notkin at the broken heart, and here he is intruding on kids at the nutshell:

We have so few places of our own - only a couple. And yet you feel the urge to impose yourself even here. Do you know what childhood is? It’s slavery. Herders treat their cattle better than parents treat their children. They lock us up like objects, mold us like statues, and still never take us remotely seriously.

he also intrudes on clara talking with block on day 11, either completely oblivious to the fact that he’s doing it or outright ignoring that he is.

“is often ‘on the go’“

i could say that this is one that is built into the way the game is organized, and it’s true! but his time spent with lara comes to mind. she’s not the only one to mention his restlessness, but i don’t keep screenshots of big vlad on hand so their day 1 dialogue is lost to the wind.

Aren’t you supposed to be terribly busy? I don’t understand why you keep coming. Or do you need my help again? I’ll wash your clothes. You’re filthy, like a chimney sweep. Revolting. While they dry, have some sleep.

“often fidgets […] or squirms in seat”

like with daniil’s body language, i don’t have any gifs to show to prove this. i’m really looking forward to seeing what idle animations he gets in the other two routes. for now i know that in the lucid dream, if you use flycam you can see him idling by swaying and rubbing his chin & that in other pantomimes he can be found constantly turning his head and looking around.

sleep problems

i don’t have the screen shot so just pretend that i do - he mentions this to the fellow traveler on, i think, day one when you go to the dead item shop. in either game, you can also only sleep for a maximum of six hours at a time, which is like..two hours less than the recommended amount, unless that’s changed.

little sense of danger & impulsivity

As usual, I act first and think later. I’ve made a panacea. But from what? What blood was that? Whose blood was that? To cure the Town, I’ll need to figure that out.

there’s actually no dialogue i can think of that addresses the danger of the situation he’s in - which is sort of the reason why i included it! though i am absolutely obsessed with classic artemy threatening grief, kingpin of the villains in town:

Bad Grief: That ain’t good! Got too soft a heart or something? Soft, eh… Well, can’t blame you. Haruspex: Got too hard of a bone structure? You watch it. I’ll break them in no time.

artemy has little to no problem offering to help daniil get ahold of organs and blood:

Bachelor: Exactly. I need tissues of a person who died of the Sand Plague. I need them today, right now! I’ve tried to get them at the cemetary, but failed miserably. The patrolmen are vigilantly watching over the dead. Haruspex: Would you like me to get you some? Bachelor: I’d reward you generously for that. Haruspex: Deal. I’ll do what I can, even though I still don’t have the right to.

‘even though i still don’t have the right to’ - he knows it’s illegal and could easily lose him reputation, but he jumps at the chance to do so. part of his route requires you being in constant danger, but later on there are options to tell daniil you won’t help him. this isn’t one of them.

in pathologic 2, you can also instigate fights with people by, to name a few: refusing to leave the house in the atrium where they have a person bound and gagged upstairs, not leaving barley the barber in grief’s lair, and picking the wrong dialogue option with the guys in the broken heart on day 11.

as referenced above, his impulsivity sometimes shows in the dialogue options you can choose. you can say things that clearly haven’t been thought through all the way. for example, this is what he says to clara bout her parents:

I wonder what you did to your old ones. There was someone gullible enough to adopt you?

and this is how she replies:

Clara: What? Why would you say that? I never even knew them. I’ve been an orphan for as long as I can remember. Artemy: I didn’t know. Right, that’s what I figured.

it’s not all that different from the sort of tactless comment a person with autism might make.

no motivation for tasks you are not interested in & hyperfixations

in pathologic 2, on day 3, daniil asks artemy to be his aide in developing a vaccine. artemy’s responses are all something dismissive and frequently quite rude. here’s the end of that conversation:

Bachelor: I will make the vaccine, but I can’t do it without you. All you need to do is be at hand and do as I say. I will take full responsibility for the situation. Haruspex: Perhaps I’ll drop by… if I have the time.

guess what never happens?

it’s understandable that the panacea is artemy’s main goal. what makes it stick out to me as a hyperfixation specifically is that, while a vaccine is daniil’s main goal, daniil manages to ask artemy about his progress with the panacea.

Bachelor: Anyway, how’s it going? Any progress?

the interest is never reciprocated.

emotional dysregulation & rejection sensitivity dysphoria

i personally think this is the most striking piece of evidence. every single perceived sleight can invoke a drastic reaction in artemy. just take day 3 for example - the perceived sleight here is the belief (based on no evidence) that daniil was snubbing him or trying to exclude him from the meeting:

Bachelor: Burakh. The situation is regretful. I just didn’t have time to warn you. Haruspex: This was ugly of you.

and then he proceeds to get into an argument with him. he can, in fact, get into snits with not just daniil, but with rubin and lara as well. i will not be taking sides in this, because who is right / who is wrong is not really the point, the point is how artemy responds to perceived sleights with increased emotional agitation.

when capella upsets him by telling him she’s taking the kids from under his care for their own protection, he can respond by comparing her to her horrible capitalist pig of a father:

You truly are your father’s daughter. Children always succeed their parents…

i can’t even remember what was said to him to get him to reply this, only that it was said to him by a teenager:

I’m a surgeon. Ever considered having your tongue removed?

he also holds onto murky’s repetitious “what is there about you to love? nothing. so i don’t.” and brings it up to her when she is infected with the sand plague on day 10. though it does bring the rather heartwarming line about murky having loved him from the start, my point remains that he has not been able to stop thinking about something murky has said that she has obviously already changed her mind about by this point in time in the game.

difficulties making & keeping friends

remember what i said about the interest in daniil’s vaccine not being reciprocated? yeah. friends, acquaintances, colleagues - they all kind of expect you to take an interest in their lives. this is where autism & adhd overlap, from my understanding - both can come with an inability to recognize social cues. in fact, i’m going to use the same example now that i used in my post about daniil (it is, after all, what inspired this ask):

Bachelor: From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

daniil thinks they’ve been having a normal conversation, but artemy hasn’t picked up on whatever social cues he’s been using. this could easily be on either one of them. though i will say, some of my easiest friendships as a person with autism have been with people who have adhd. which is why i’d suggest that daniil saying he’ll tell artemy about thanatica “the way i’d tell a close, intimate friend” is autism/adhd solidarity. despite initially not getting along, they are clearly able to communicate with each other.

i think the rest of this is really self-explanatory. despite being from the town in classic, artemy doesn’t actually appear to have any friends in it. could be a symptom of him having left much ealier (ten years ago as opposed to the five in pathologic 2), but in pathologic 2 his friendships are constantly under threat of spontaneous combustion. this day three conversation with lara sums it up nicely:

Lara: Ugh, whatever. Like it’s any of my business… Do whatever you want. Did you make peace with stakh? Artemy: Doesn’t look like it… Forget Stakh. I see now that I’m one step away from falling out with you. Why?

there’s a variety of reasons why his friendships are falling apart. but it occurs to me that there’s no mention of artemy communicating with his friends at all while he was gone, and maybe that’s contributing to it. this is not an attempt to pick sides (i think everybody’s wrong), i am just pointing this out.

adhd in adults: history of academic or career underachievement, relationship problems due to not completing tasks, chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals, chronic and intense feelings of frustration / guilt / blame

artemy did not finish med school. classic has him described as a “vagrant scholar” traveling from town to town to learn instead of staying in the capital where he was sent (”always ‘on the go’” indeed). in pathologic 2 he simply states that he doesn’t have a degree and that he sucked at latin.

relationship problems mentioned under “making and keeping friendships”, but it should be noted that you can repair your friendships by completing a sidequest on day 3 to gather everyone together.

“chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals” is sort of the entirety of pathologic 2. you could say it’s built into the game, but artemy does express a lot of stress over not knowing where to turn for answers, has bizarre prophetic dreams, and is plagued by… well, the plague taunting him for not being to save his bound. both when notkin gets sick on day 4 and when all of the children get sick on day 10, he can express an extreme amount of guilt for not having the ability to cure them.

i mentioned under ptsd that artemy has a tendency to be able to blame himself for his father’s death, and i think that fits under here as well. there’s also this:

I get anxious thinking about my kids… Are they faring all right in the Lair without me?

conclusion

i do not know if i have adhd myself and i am sure there are things i am missing, especially as i have not completed artemy’s route in classic yet or started clara’s. feel free to contribute to this, i would love to see others’ input!

#icarus.txt #icarus answers #artemy burakh #pathologic meta

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thechildoflightning · 4 years

Text

Transitive Law

Title: Transitive Law

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: LAMP/CALM

~~~

Prompts:

I would love to see if Virgil ever like suspects that Roman might have ADHD after having a really really similar student in his class with ADHD -anon

I know you said that Roman has ADHD in this au, and I would love to see a oneshot about him struggling with it like with being distracted during important events and stuff. -anon

Summary:

Roman and ADHD- a journey. (A really quick one actually, because- again- ADHD).

Warnings: Ableism, PTSD, Panicking

[ao3 link]

~~~

Transitive Law

Virgil had always considered himself good at handling different students’ accommodations. He’d gone through schooling with accommodations himself, and there was nothing worse than teachers who weren’t supportive or thought they knew better than him. As a result, he tried to do his best to listen and be receptive to his students, as well as taking the time to learn, understand, and support them through their accommodations.

Virgil wasn’t told why they had accommodations, so unless they shared, he never knew. But the truth was, he didn’t need to know. All he needed to do was listen and adapt to them.

He’d had students with ADHD before. Some with accommodations, some without. But it wasn’t until the new year started and he had a student come up to him and explain their accommodations- as well as sharing the fact that they had ADHD- that Virgil realized he didn’t really know what it was.

Sure, he knew what it stood for. But he realized he had never actually looked into what it meant. He had impressions, but he suspected that ADHD ran much deeper than that. Most diagnoses did.

Virgil wanted to do the best for his students, he wanted to support him, he wanted to understand them. He thought it was absolutely necessary to learn more about ADHD, so he began his research.

He was quickly- well not disappointed- but perhaps confused? Yes, that was a better word. Because the main symptoms of ADHD, well didn’t most people deal with those?

Virgil often fidgeted, was easily distracted, sometimes had difficulty focusing on singular things, and more. Virgil himself fit a lot of the criteria for ADHD symptoms and he quickly realized his spouses did as well. So why would this be a separate diagnosis?

Overlap, Virgil quickly realized. ADHD symptoms were officially symptoms of ADHD if they couldn’t be explained by other things. Virgil’s own traits of being easily distracted, fidgeting, trouble holding attention were all symptoms tied to PTSD and anxiety.

Logan fidgeted- stimmed- as well. Logan could talk excessively, intensely focus, and lose focus easily. Which made sense when Virgil learned that autism and ADHD were sibling diagnoses.

Patton was forgetful. But there was a difference between ADHD forgetful and having memory loss. Patton was sometimes disorganized, which could once again be attributed to memory loss.

As Virgi read more about ADHD he quickly realized how each of his spouses had symptoms of it, but all had other root causes for their behavior.

Except Roman.

Roman was easily distracted. He seemed completely blind to the passage of time and fidgeted a lot with bouncing his leg or tapping. He rambled and never seemed to run out of energy. Whenever he perceived failure he took it extremely harshly, feeling as if he himself was a failure- which fit perfectly into an ADHD thing called ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.’ Roman could get extremely passionate about certain topics, but often lost focus with anything else. He had trouble sitting through long events. He occasionally interrupted others without realizing. He was often disorganized, and coffee seemed to calm him down more than wake him up. He forgot lengthy instructions and took longer to start tasks. He couldn’t go shopping without a grocery list and would forget events if they weren’t put on a calendar.

Roman fit almost every symptom for ADHD and it sent Virgil reeling. Because of course Virgil had noticed these traits in his spouse- how could he not, they were a part of Roman- but he had never once considered that these traits could be the result of something more.

Could Roman have ADHD?

Which led to his current predicament of considering that question and in result, thinking about absolutely nothing else.

“What’s up?” Roman asked, when Virgil was trying to grade papers and failing miserably, mind returning to this new question.

Virgil jumped a bit at the noise as Roman took a seat next to him.

“Oh,” Virgil said, “I just…”

Virgil’s mind was racing? Did Roman have ADHD? Should he comment about the ADHD thing to Roman? Would Roman be upset with him if he said anything? Would Roman be upset if he didn’t say anything? And what if Virgil was wrong?

Virgil shrugged, brain too overwhelmed into actually making a decision of what to say. Roman frowned and tapped at the table. Fidgeting, Virgil noticed. Or maybe stimming? He was still trying to figure out if fidgeting due to ADHD was considered stimming.

“Virge?” Roman pressed gently.

Virgil sighed, because he still didn't know what to say, and didn't know what to expect from Roman’s response.

“I’m anxious,” he admitted, because that was a good middle ground. Virgil was communicating even if he wasn’t yet ready to talk.

“Okay,” Roman said, “Anything I can do to help? I may or may not be intentionally avoiding my own work.”

Procrastinating due to struggles with executive functioning. Long or unclear tasks could be hard to manage and complete. All symptoms of ADHD.

Should Virgil say something?

He didn’t know what would happen if he did say anything. He had no idea of Roman’s response and that was terrifying and if Roman was mad, Virgil could get hurt and-

“Just leave me alone,” Virgil snapped. Which was not what he had planned to do. Though Virgil wasn’t really sure what he had planned to do.

“Virgil?” Roman asked. His eyebrows scrunched together and he frowned a bit. His hands settled in front of him.

Virgil instantly felt bad but he was also scared and that was currently winning.

“Leave me alone Roman,” he insisted again, voice low and firm.

Roman continued to frown, but after a minute gave a quick nod.

“Okay,” he said, “If you want, you can come talk to me when you’re ready, okay?”

Virgil said nothing and looked down at the table.

Roman nodded once more and stood up. He was tall, and he was close to Virgil and suddenly he was looming and he was so close and Virgil had just snapped at him and what if he hurt him Roman could so easily hurt him it would be so easy for him to-

Virgil was across the room before he realized what he was doing, back pressed against the wall as he struggled to take a breath, maximum distance between him and Roman.

Roman stared back at him.

“Shit,” Virgil whispered after a moment.

Roman carefully sat on the floor. He was lower than Virgil now, not looming, not a threat.

“Shit,” Virgil said again, brain catching up with him. Kit nudged his hand and Virgil looked down at his dog. Kit pawed at his leg.

Virgil sat on the floor and allowed his dog to cover him. He breathed deeply and ran a hand through his hair.

Roman wasn’t going to hurt him- he was safe. Roman would never hurt him. He was safe.

Roman was still sitting across the room, patiently waiting.

Virgil sighed, sat with his dog, petting his soft fur for a moment. Eventually he had Kit get off and he stood, making his way back to his seat at the table. He gestured at the seat across from him.

“Sit?” he asked Roman.

Roman nodded and carefully stood. With each action he took over to the chair, he narrated it to Virgil and kept in his line of sight. Virgil appreciated that greatly. He knew Roman would never hurt him- of course he wouldn’t- but his mind didn’t always understand that. PTSD sucked like that- it attempted to keep Virgil safe even when there was no threat around. Not anymore.

“Virgil?” Roman asked.

Virgil hesitated for just a moment, and then he blurted out his thoughts.

“I think you might have ADHD,” he admitted.

“What?” Roman asked, frown on his face.

“I think you might have ADHD,” he said slower this time.

Roman blinked at him.

“I’m- you think I have ADHD?” he repeated back, somewhat baffled.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, “Maybe? Attention Deficit Hyper-”

“-activity Disorder,” Roman finished, “Yeah I know what it is. Just- why would you think that? I don’t- I’m not that hyperactive? Sports suck. And I’m not rude or disruptive and stuff. I just- don’t see it,” Roman explained, “but I’m not mad at you and I am willing to listen,” he quickly confirmed.

Roman’s final words came as a relief- stopping short the anxiety that had begun to build as he talked.

“I just- I have a student with ADHD?” Virgil explained, “Well, I’ve had several students with ADHD? And I realized I didn’t actually know much about it, just what I had sorta heard. Like you said- being super active, not sitting still, not listening, disruptive. But I didn’t really know what it was? And I mean- I want to support my students as best as possible so I started to do some research…” Virgil trailed off.

“And?” Roman prompted.

“And to me, it seemed like you fit the diagnostic criteria? You show almost all the symptoms? That I’ve seen,” Virgil hastily added. Then quick because he had to be sure, “You’re not mad at me?”

Roman had said he wasn’t but maybe he just said that and Virgil need to be 100% positive.

“I’m not mad,” Roman promised, “I’m a bit…” he seemed to search for the right word, “I’m a bit… surprised. I don’t think I have ADHD. Don’t most people get diagnosed as kids anyways? I’m an adult this- I dunno Virgil it just doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense.”

“Okay,” Virgil agreed, because he certainly wasn’t going to argue this point with Roman. “Okay. I- okay. Well even if you don’t have it maybe look up RSD? Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? It just- well it reminded me of a few things you said our freshman year in college? And I mean since that too- but especially then.”

Roman watched Virgil.

“Okay,” he eventually agreed, “Sure, why not?”

Virgil breathed a sigh of relief and the conversation came to an end.

Roman did research RSD. He didn’t think he had ADHD which meant he probably didn’t have this thing either. But he told Virgil he’d look it up and he wasn’t about to lie to him, so he did.

He was shocked with what he found because well, didn’t everyone feel that way? Didn’t everyone take criticism personally? Didn’t everyone feel worthless when they perceived rejection? Did other people not feel like a failure when they didn’t do something right or when they let someone down?

Other people had to feel this way. There was no way that Roman had felt like this his entire life and most other people didn’t. It just- it wasn’t possible. Somebody would have noticed. He would have noticed.

“Patton?” Roman asked.

“Hmm?” Pat said, looking up from his computer.

Roman hesitated. Was he really going to-

“Have you ever heard of RSD?”

Apparently he was going to ask. Thanks brain for considering that fully.

“No,” Patton said, “Why?”

Roman hesitated for less than he did before, and began to explain. Patton listened and asked for a few repeats and clarifiers along the way.

“Okay so- my other question is… Do you do that?”

“Do I have RSD?” Patton asked.

“Yeah,” Roman said. Because everyone- everyone did. They had to.

Patton frowned and then softly shook his head.

“I don’t think so,” he said, “I mean, I can feel bad when I do things wrong. And if it’s a big thing I’m going to feel worse. But I guess- I mean I don’t feel like I’ve been rejected or that I’m a failure or that people don’t like me. I just think I made a mistake. Which can suck but it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or anything.”

“Oh,” Roman said. This was- this was- well what Patton said made sense. What Patton thought made sense. The thing was- the thing was that Roman didn’t do that.

“Why are you asking, love?” Patton asked.

Roman shook his head.

“No reason,” he insisted quickly, as he already turned back to his phone. He could feel Patton stare at him for a moment, slight frown on his face. But eventually, he shrugged and turned back to his computer. Roman just took a breath and started his newest google search.

Roman didn’t have ADHD.

But well- it wouldn’t hurt to look it up.

“Hey Dad,” Roman greeted, the minute his dad had picked up the phone.

“Roman,” he greeted cheerfully. Roman smiled at his voice. “What’s going on?”

Roman’s smile slowly dropped. He drummed his fingers nervously on his pants leg.

“I had a question,” he acknowledged.

“Alright. Shoot.”

Roman hesitated.

“Roman?”

“It’s kind of a weird question?” Roman hedged.

“Roman I raised you for most of your life, I’m pretty sure I'm used to your questions by now,” he said wryly.

Roman gave a short half-hearted chuckle.

“Okay,” he relented, “I was just wondering… Was I ever tested for ADHD as a kid?”

His dad went quiet. Roman started to regret calling. Really, why was he even doing this? He didn’t- he wasn’t- a google search of symptoms didn’t prove anything. Sure, maybe they had all fit but that didn’t mean-

“No. You weren't.” A pause. “Can I ask why?”

He had to know why Roman would be asking that.

“I-” Roman hesitated, “I just-”

“Do you want to get tested?” his dad asked.

“No,” Roman responded immediately, without even thinking about it. Impulsive, his brain whispered at him, a symptom of ADHD, “No. I just- I…” he trailed off.

“Okay. Well, if you did ever want to get tested. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that. You know that, right?”

“Right,” Roman responded automatically, not really hearing his words. “I uh- I actually have to go. I’ll call some other time.”

Logan walked into the room at that moment, giving a smile when he saw Roman. Roman attempted to return it. Logan made his way to the bookshelf, looking for something.

“Okay,” his dad agreed, “Okay.”

“Okay, bye,” Roman rushed to say.

“Roman?” his dad's voice interrupted.

“Yeah?”

Logan pulled a book out of the shelf. He held it in one hand, the other hand coming up to quickly brush all the pages, flicking through them quickly. He continued to stim that way repetitively.

“I love you..”

“Yeah Dad, yeah I know.”

“I love you. For you. Okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I love you too.”

“Bye.”

Roman brought his phone away from his ear and put it in his pocket. He walked over to where Logan was still stimming with the book.

“Hey,” Roman greeted.

Logan smiled up at him.

“Can I touch you,” Roman asked.

Logan nodded in consent and Roman wrapped him up from behind. He pressed a kiss into the back of Logan’s head and closed his eyes for a moment as he enjoyed holding his husband.

“Were you waiting for me?” Roman asked, “You didn’t move once you found your book.”

Logan ducked his head.

“Oh, no,” he said, “I was going to read the book. But I found stimming with the pages enjoyable.”

“Mmmm,” Roman hummed.

“You were calling your dad,” Logan observed.

“Yup,” Roman said, “Had to ask him a question.”

“What question? And why not text?” Logan asked. He carefully broke free of Roman’s embrace to face him.

Roman sighed.

“I- uh- I asked him if I had been tested for ADHD as a child,” he admitted.

“Oh,” Logan said. He frowned and shifted on his feet. He continued to stim with the book, “Why did you ask him that?”

“Virgil said- Well Virgil said he thought I might have ADHD. I guess I was just-” Roman waved his hand as if to explain, “y’know?”

“I don’t actually,” Logan admitted, “I’m not sure what you're saying. Can you clarify?”

Roman nodded and tried to figure out the words he wanted.

“I guess I’m just- I wanted to see- I’m trying to figure out- Maybe I do? Maybe I do have ADHD. And I’m trying to figure that out.”

“Okay,” Logan said, “Thanks for clarifying.”

“Not a problem,” Roman was quick to assure. “I’m just- well what do you think?”

“About?”

“Do you think I have ADHD?”

Logan paused, thinking. He stopped stimming with the book and instead raised a hand to tap at his chest.

“You could,” he considered, “I can see why Virgil would think that. I’d have to do more research on ADHD. And your thoughts and observations are vitally important to the discussion as well. I would think that would be the most important piece by far.”

“Yeah,” Roman sighed, “I think… I think I might have it?” he admitted. “A lot of the symptoms fit and it’s just- like a lot of things make sense looking back with ADHD on mind? Like when me and Virgil weren’t getting along when we first met. And when I struggled to take over as director. And as a kid when I struggled in school because I couldn’t focus on the material. Also in school as a kid when I was quickly drawn to theater and it was so much looser and I’d get so focused on it. Time is weird? It can pass so quickly but also super slow and I’m awful at estimating it and that’s apparently an actual ADHD thing called time blindness. Coffee calms me down more than waking me up. How I could never seem to keep my room clean as a kid. I just…” Roman trailed off, and then laughed slightly. “The rambling too,” he added.

Logan quirked a smile at that.

“You do talk a lot,” Logan said.

“Yeah.”

Logan paused for a moment, shifting and looking around the room. He frowned and dipped his head down.

“I’m not sure how to progress this conversation,” he admitted.

“Honestly neither do I,” Roman admitted, “I don’t- I don’t really know where to go from here at all. I have ADHD, but what does that mean?”

Logan’s head jerked up, eyes settling on Roman’s forehead.

“You said you had ADHD,” Logan said.

Roman slowly nodded.

“Well yeah, I mean that’s what we’re talking about? So…”

“You didn’t say that before,” Logan continued, “You said you might have ADHD. You asked me if I thought you had it. You said Virgil thought you had it. But you now just said that you did have it.”

“I…” Roman tried to find the right words. He hadn’t even noticed the change in his wording. But Logan was quick to pick up on things like that and bring them to light. And Logan was right, that was a change. A significant change. What did it mean?

“Does it click?” Logan asked.

“What?” Roman asked.

“Does it…” Logan huffed and cast his gaze downward. Roman waited. “I’m trying to figure out how to explain,” Logan said.

“Okay,” Roman acknowledged, and waited some more.

“Does it… Inside you- when you hear the words ADHD, look at the diagnosis, see the symptoms. Is there something in you that…” Logan pressed a firm hand against his chest and close to his heart, once again lost for words. He did it again, and Roman understood.

“Yes,” Roman said, “Yes. It resonates. Is that a good word for it?”

“Yes. That exactly. It resonates,” Logan agreed. “Does it?”

“Yeah. Yeah it does,” Roman admitted.

“Well then,” Logan shrugged, “Do you need more than that?”

“I- a diagnosis?” Roman tried, “I need to be diagnosed.”

“Do you?” Logan asked, “I mean- if you want to search for a diagnosis I of course support that decision and I'm sure our husbands would as well. But do you need that to know you have ADHD?”

Roman shifted, and considered. Because he knew now. He knew. He had ADHD. It made so much sense, it clicked, it resonated. It was a part of him and so many things had explanations now. So much of his behavior began to make sense.

He knew without a diagnosis. But…

“If I don’t get a diagnosis isn’t that kind of faking?” Roman asked.

“No,” Logan, “I think a diagnosis is just physical proof of your experiences. It doesn’t change anything. But if it’s something you want or need, again I will support you with that, whatever the reason for wanting it. I just want to make sure you understand that a diagnosis isn’t going to change things. Either way you have ADHD.”

“I… I’m not sure?”

“About?”

“If I want a diagnosis or not.”

Logan shrugged.

“Okay. Well you don’t need to know right away.”

Roman nodded, relieved. It was already a lot. This was a lot. He was figuring out and learning a lot and his brain was tired. Did that make sense? He didn’t know if his thoughts made sense anymore.

“Yeah. Thanks Logan,” Roman said.

Logan gave him a warm smile and grasped his hand briefly before taking his book and leaving the room.

“Like I know I have it now, but what do I do?” Roman complained, pacing across the floor, “What does it mean?”

“I think it means whatever you want it to sweetheart,” Patton told him, from where he was lying on his stomach on the bed, heating pad on his back.

“What does that mean?” Roman whined some more.

Patton shook his head fondly at his spouse. Roman just continued to pace, muttering as he did so.

“Does this make things different now?” he asked, a hint of something new in his voice.

Patton looked up. He raised himself carefully on an elbow and turned to look at Roman, wincing as he did so.

“What do you mean?” he asked, carefully soft.

“Like does this- does it change things?”

“I think it could,” Patton admitted, “But I don’t think in the ways you’re expecting.”

Roman stopped facing and turned to face Patton directly.

“What? How?”

“Well… I mean you haven’t changed love. You know you have ADHD now but you haven’t changed. I think the things that could change would potentially be some coping skills and ways of getting things done. But you aren’t going to change, some things we might adapt to work with you better.”

Work with him better? Why did they need to change things?

“What do you mean?” Roman asked, now frowning, “I cope fine?”

“I do think you’re doing well,” Patton agreed, “But if you’d like I’m certain we can change some things to work with you better. Cooking for one.”

“Cooking?”

What did cooking have to do with ADHD?

“Yeah. You’re okay in the kitchen but often not alone because you tend to mess up the recipes slightly or don’t watch the time. I’m guessing you get distracted.”

Roman stood stock still.

How had he never realized that? That was exactly it. When Roman cooked his mind tended to wander, not sticking to the task. It’s why he usually cooked with others, so they could keep him on task.

“I- oh. I never realized that before.”

Roman sat on the edge of the bed carefully so it wouldn’t shift too much. His back was to Patton.

Did Patton want him to be better in the kitchen? He wasn’t terrible but he certainly wasn’t good. But wasn’t that the same as letting his husbands down? He was letting them down because he wasn’t good at simple things like cooking. He was starting to not like this whole ADHD thing.

“Mhmm. And when you get hard on yourself- the uh- the- you told me the name? But I forgot it. But when you get really hard on yourself. We can come up with coping skills with that. I mean we have a bit already, but we can work with communicating more as well as helping validate you.”

“Communicate more?”

Roman turned to face Patton, swinging one of his legs onto the bed.

“Mhmm,” Pat agreed, carefully taking one of his hands.

Roman wasn’t good in the kitchen. Which was pretty much the same as bad. He was letting down- no failing- his husbands.

“Okay. Uh, well. I’m feeling sorta bad about the kitchen thing.”

“What about the kitchen thing?” Patton asked as he rubbed small circles with his thumb on the back of Roman’s hand.

Gosh Roman did not want to explain. Especially after learning that not everyone did this. Roman was just such a failure letting his husbands down.

“I feel like- I’m letting you down? With cooking? And that’s kinda spiraling to letting you down in general? That I’ve failed as a spouse?” Roman shared.

“Oh honey,” Patton said, “Okay that’s valid, you feeling like you letting us down is very valid, you’re allowed to feel that way. But you are absolutely not letting us down one bit. Even if you stopped cooking all together, you wouldn’t be letting us down. All we need from you is you. That’s it.”

“Yeah but- I make more work for the rest of you.”

Roman sighed and leaned against the headrest of the bed.

“I can’t cook alone,” Patton reminded, “Is that a problem?”

“Of course not!” Roman was quick to insist.

“Okay. Well why is it different for you?”

“It’s just- It’s-”

Roman should be able to control this. This wasn’t something he should struggle with. He was invalid, incapable, a disappointment.

“It’s how your brain works Roman, that’s just how it is. That’s okay. All I’m saying is that if you want, I’m sure we can come up with some better ways to support you. You don’t- Roman we love you for you. Whatever that means. You haven’t failed us or yourself.”

Roman felt like he had. But maybe Patton was right. Because- because this was just the RSD wasn’t it? It was his brain working differently, telling him he was bad and a failure when really he isn’t. He isn’t.

It was hard to believe and it was hard to fight but it was easier now that Roman had a word for it.

“Okay. Yeah,” Roman said.

“There’s also medications for ADHD if you feel like some of the symptoms are greatly impacting your daily functioning.”

“I think it does impact me,” Roman admitted, “Like a lot? But not to a point where I’m not able to function or struggle to function. So for now I think I’m going to table meds, but keep my mind open.”

“Okay,” Patton agreed easily, “Of course. We’re here to support you.”

Roman smiled down at him, and Patton pressed a kiss into his hand.

“Need anything from me?” Roman asked after a minute. Patton looked up at him with a soft smile, but the pain he was in was clear in his eyes.

“Lay with me?” Patton asked, “Just careful please.”

“Of course,” Roman agreed, and slowly made his way to do so.

“Ughhhhh,” Roman groaned, flopping straight onto the couch as he entered the room.

Virgil snorted from his position in a chair next to the couch.

“Don’t laugh at me,” Roman whined.

“Sorry, sorry,” Virgil said, most certainly still laughing. “Bad day at work?”

“Mm. Kinda? Not really? Ugh I dunno. I’m done thinking.”

Roman took this opportunity to smoosh his face into a pillow and groan even louder.

“Pretty sure if you're done thinking that means you’re dead,” Virgil remarked around his groans.

“Ughhhhhhhhh. But thinking is exhausting.”

Kit came to investigate him at that moment, pawing and poking with his nose and a wagging tail. He brought over a toy and dropped it onto Roman as he continued to bug him.

“Ugh you’re so cute,” Roman said. He lifted his head slightly and gave Kit a few pets and ear scratches. “Good boy.”

Kit perked up at the words and his tail wagged even harder.

“So, work?” Virgil prompted, pulling Roman’s attention back.

“Right. Ugh. So I’ve been thinking about getting an ADHD diagnosis.”

“Okay,” Virgil said, because this wasn’t news. Roman had mentioned it earlier that week, that he had ADHD and was now considering getting a diagnosis for it. Everyone had taken it in stride and worked on supporting him.

“Yeah but of course that meant that’s all I could think about today. Which means I couldn’t focus on anything. Which I’m now learning is an ADHD thing. Weird. Oh! But what I was saying was- I can’t decide.”

“If you want a diagnosis?”

“Yup!” Roman agreed, popping up and sitting to face Virgil. “Like- I don’t know if it’s something I need? Like I know I have ADHD so why do I need proof? But also getting a diagnosis could be validating? And there’s so many other pros and cons and I don’t know how to choose.”

“Oh. I bet that’s frustrating.”

“It is,” Roman groaned.

Virgil typed a bit on his computer before looking back over to Roman.

“Hey Roman, wanna know something?” he said.

“What?”

“Indecisiveness is also a symptom of ADHD.”

There was a pause before Roman dramatically buried his face back into the couch cushions and screamed.

“Oh fuck me!” Roman exclaimed, “Fucking everything’s going to be a symptom of ADHD at this rate.”

He’d figure out this whole diagnosis thing another day. (Or maybe not. Who knew anymore? At least he figured out he had ADHD, that was a solid enough of a starting point). But for now, screaming into a couch would have to satisfy him.

~~~

taglist below

-ask to be added or removed-

@mewithanie @eddies-spaghetti @lemonyellowlogic @savioursailor @goldteethandacurseforthistown @you-betcha-weirdo

#colupdate #jksf #ts roman #ts virgil #ts logan #ts patton #ts sides #sanders sides #adhd #roman has adhd #calm #lamp #fan fiction #fanfiction #ao3 #my writing #mywriting

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scatterpatter · 4 years

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hey um you know the differences between ADD and ADHD? what are the similarities? How do I know systems (didn't use the right word here sorry) of ADD when I have it or research of it?

The word you're looking for is symptoms!

Let me start off by saying I am NOT a psychologist whatsoever, NOT an expert on ADHD, and I could be misinformed on some of these, so please add onto this post with corrections if I made a mistake!

From what I previously understood, ADD was the same as ADHD, just those with ADD don't experience hyperactivity like those with ADHD do. However! Doing a bit of research to answer this, it appears that ADD isn't a term used anymore? It seems you fall under three main "types" of ADHD

Inattentive type: You have trouble concentrating, processing, etc (I believe this is what used to be considered ADD)

Hyperactive-Impulsive type: You get spells of sudden hyperness/energy and impulsive thoughts/actions

Combination type: when you have both inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive types

(Source)

So it's quite possible you have the innatentive type but not the hyper-impulsive type or vice versa. You could also have both!

It's also worth noting that ADHD and Autism heavily overlap with symptoms, so you may want to look into symptoms of Autism as well!(though it's possible to have both!)

Here are some symptoms to look out for in figuring out if you might have ADHD:

The stereotype of "Dialogue dialogue dia- OOO PRETTY BUTTERFLY- anyways what was I saying?". It's usually on a way less dramatic scale, but finding your mind often wandering and getting distracted from tasks/conversations/etc(inattentive type)

The stereotype of "HAHAHA SUGAR RUSH" again, usually on a way less dramatic scale. Feelings of sudden hyperness or bursts of energy that make you feel extremely giddy for seeming no reason(hyperactive type)

Experiencing "hyperfixations", which is when your brain "fixates" on a topic(you'll usually see me talking about my fixations on certain video games or other medias). When you're fixated on something, you're often thinking about it most of the time and find it difficult to focus on things other than your fixation(I believe both types experience this but correct me if wrong)

"Stimming", when someone stimulates themself, usually through physical means. Fidget spinners were a meme for a while, but many folks with ADHD actually use them! There are many other ways of stimming too: hand flapping(though sadly many people with ADHD and/or Autism get bullied for this), tapping on things, clicking pens, bouncing the leg, dancing/jumping in place, chewing on things, repeating words/sounds, so on and so forth. Many people have many different ways that they stim(inatenntive types often use fidget toys to help focus, hyperactive types often use toys or stims to get out their sudden bursts of energy)

Executive Dysfunction- where completing even simple tasks feels like an ordeal, even if it's a task you WANT to do(so NOT the same as procrastination). It often feels like some invisible barrier between you and the task, and I once saw it described as "you sit there and think about doing the task instead of doing it and the task never gets done"(I believe both types experience this)

General forgetfullness- doing assignments, remembering plans with friends, paying bills, remembering where you left things around the house. For some reason you often forget these.(inattentive type)

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria- when you take a small rejection or neutral response and your brain blows it out of proportion and makes you think the person hates you(I believe both types experience this)

Trouble understanding social cues- often not being able to tell if someone is annoyed, sarcastic, etc until it's "too late". In my case I called myself "dense", usually if people flirted with me because I didn't pick up the cues they were putting down. Also avoiding eye contact can be a neurodivegent thing(both types experience this I believe)

"Time blindness". Having a hard time figuring out how much time has passed or how much time you have until a deadline. Usually we experience time as "in the past", "now", and "in the future" and have a hard time quantifying that time. Something that happened yesterday could feel like 3 weeks ago. Projects sneak up because they're shoved into "in the future" until suddenly they're due. I combat this by wearing a watch at all times and compulsively checking the time (Inattentive type)

Overstimulation. When very loud sounds or very bright lights feel painful to you while it doesn't seem to bother others. Being unable to wear certain clothes because the texture feels "wrong", etc(both types)

Feeling like your brain is "wired differently". Because people with neurodivergent minds- our brains ARE wired differently! Usually people figure this out by how they count or do math, by how they interact with others, by how they tackle large tasks, etc(both types of course)

Now, of COURSE you don't need to have every symptom to be ADHD, especially if you're not the combined type. I just named a few of the major ones, feel free to correct me on any or add some if I missed some major symptoms!

Taking online tests such as this one can help guide you along whether or not you're showing many symptoms and if you're likely to have ADHD or not(DOES NOT COUNT AS AN OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS THOUGH)

Of course, the best thing you can do is talk to a doctor! That's the only way you can be officially diagnosed. Also, with a diagnosis, you may be able to be treated to help with your everyday life(meds, school accommodations, etc) Plus a doctor knows more about this than I do, so they'd help you the most!

Hope this helps!

#bad dad advice #adhd #actually adhd

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autistic-reptile · 5 years

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How do I know that I have both ADHD and autism? I know I'm autistic but recently i noticed i have adhd autism symptoms as well and idk if it's just autism or not??

this is a hard question and honestly sometimes I feel the same way. they overlap a lot and are comorbid a lot so it can be hard to kinda “separate” them sometimes. personally I was diagnosed with ADHD first and the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with autism somewhat doubted my ADHD diagnosis (assuming it was all related to autism instead). It made me reevaluate my own symptoms and struggles, but now that it’s been a little while since then, I’m still pretty confident in my ADHD diagnosis. I have symptoms that don’t seem autism-related or are even contradictory to typical autism symptoms so i’ll list them here:

brain fog - when I’m not on ADHD medication, it feels like my thoughts are just bouncing around my brain, but it’s really foggy. so thoughts will come into focus but then i lose it and forget what I was talking about mid sentence. takes me a long time to “think through” something because I just keep losing my train of thought

inability to direct my focus appropriately - if I don’t want to do something or it’s a difficult task to tackle, I cannot force myself to focus on it until I am in a blind panic because that task needed to be completed like yesterday lol. similarly, if I am really into whatever I’m doing, I’m unable to stop focusing on that thing. do not interrupt me for 6 hours.

love of spontinaity/change - so autistic people have a reputation of hating change and sticking to their same routine for going about their. and don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of very specific routines for different things. but as far as my everyday life goes? I can’t follow a schedule at all. my brain rejects it. when I get an idea in my head, we’re doing it now. like, literally right now. I will not wait for a more appropriate time. similarly, I love changing things up in my environment. it doesn’t bother me to change the living room around, it gives me life. moving furniture around is like getting a whole new house and I love it.

special interest vs hyperfixation - this one I still struggle with, because my interests are intense but a lot of the times they’re verryy short lived. some of my interests go up and down in terms of how intense they are but are still relatively stable (like, I KNOW I won’t wake up tomorrow and no longer care about linguistics or bearded dragons anymore. I might not be researching them 24/7 like I do sometimes, but they’re there). but I also tend to get interested in things at that same level of intensity, and then I forget about it in a few days/weeks. I know there are other autistic people who’s special interest hasn’t been constant their whole life either, but the way I get interested in things is just very.... ADHD-like. idk how else to explain that other than I’m just all over the place with my interests, and it just feels like an ADHD/autism crossover episode

so just to be clear, this is in no way a complete list and I don’t even think these are all technically diagnostic criteria for ADHD, but this is just my own experience and thoughts about what specifically feels “ADHD” to me and not related to my autism. so if this resonates with you at all, I think it would definitely be worth it to talk to someone about it.

if anyone else with both ADHD and autism has anything to add here, please do!! like I said, they are difficult to separate symptoms for so it might be easier to hear experiences from others with both conditions and see how well they match your experience ☺️

#asks #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually neurodivergent #autism #autistic #adhd tag #adhd #actuallyautistic #anon

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johnemillaisarchive · 6 years

Text

Here’s an easy to understand ‘ADHD for dummies’ because I made gifsets about it and people either think 'this must be an autistic thing' or say it’s not true and boy am I bothered.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. And it’s a bad name. It’s a neurodevelopmental disorder like autism and dyslexia. They share overlapping symptoms and some people even have two or more disorders. But they’re not the same. But they have similar symptoms. But they’re not the same.

There’s three types: 1. Inattentive 2. Hyperactive 3. Combined.

Everyone can relate to some traits and symptoms. Not everyone has it. No, just because you like to run or forget something from time to time or get distracted once doesn’t mean you have it. [Girls are under-diagnosed, it in general is over-diagnosed, especially with boys.]

What ADHD is/affects: - Impaired cognitive control/executive functions. It affects: Attentional control/cognitive inhibition (attention), inhibitory control (impulsivity), working memory (forgetfulness/remembering), cognitive flexibility (thinking). - Dopamine deficit. We don’t have enough receptors (the things that receive the message that you’re having fun) which means we have to do at least twice the fun to get a reward. That’s why we really really like this thing this month (special interests). This is also why we procrastinate a lot. Doing that thing isn’t exciting, so we do another thing instead. - Emotional Regulation/Dysregulation: We don’t know how to process and regulate that feeling we’re having. Calming down is hard when you’re impulsive your attentional control is all over the place. It’s like having the emotions from Inside Out in your brain except they’re always on a lunch break. - Emotional impulsivity: We didn’t mean to get angry or say that thing or do that thing. Our Anterior Cingulate Cortex doesn’t work very well. (That’s what allows you to “think before you act” and is kind of connected to the part in charge of emotions and cognition. You know, the things we have trouble with.) - Social everything!: We have trouble keeping friendships, relationships, we develop social anxiety, don’t know when the right time is which can ruin everything. And sometimes difficulty reading social cues. All of this can lead to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which is the perspective (not always reality, not always imaginative) of rejection and sometimes failure. RSD can lead to depression. - Circadian rhythm: That’s the internal clock that tells you when it’s time to go to sleep with the help of melatonin (what makes you sleepy). Our clocks have a different rhythm than others which is why we tend to be more awake and active at night. - Time Perception (blindness): Because of low dopamine levels and the internal clock being off, we have trouble perceiving time passing. Time is either very slow (when we’re bored) or very quick (during hyperfocus).

Fidget Spinners: They’re important for some of us. It’s not a toy, it helps. The class bans on fidget spinners made me so upset for kids who actually need them to get through a class. It’s not a trend. Stop it.

Representation: In the media: I hate Dr Phil and Dr. Oz. I hate it when most talk shows talk about it. 99% of the time they’re wrong and reduce us to stereotypes and/or violent and mean creatures. Don’t trust them. On screen and literature: A lot of people on this website relate to characters from YA books I haven’t read so I can’t speak for them. I haven’t read Percy Jackson & Co and it doesn’t interest me but a lot of people seem to think it’s good rep. You do you. The TV shows/Films that I know have some characters (the ones in this list) are, in my opinion, badly written. It’s lazy to say your character has ADHD then only give them stereotypical symptoms to then forget about the illness. It’s bad to not give us proper representation of what we actually go through because sure, we get distracted, we need to move, we fidget, but it’s so much more than that. Those things don’t even cover a fraction of it. - Here’s a list of my personal favourite characters I think are good representation of the daily struggle and don’t canonly have ADHD: Dirk Gently (BBCA’s Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency), Neville Longbottom (Harry Potter), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern [the two combined] (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, Hamlet), Spongebob (Spongebob Squarepants), Rudge (The History Boys), Nikolai Rostov (War & Peace), Henry (The Book of Henry), Luke Skywalker (Star Wars), Charlie Dalton (Dead Poets Society) - Here’s a list of characters I’ve heard people headcanon as ADHD because I know my faves won’t do for everyone: Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Belle (Beauty & the Beast), Tony Stark & Pietro Maximoff (Marvel), Richie Tozier (It 2017), Harry Potter, all or most of the Marauders (Harry Potter), Fox Mulder (The X Files), Grantaire (Les Miserables)

What this all means: It’s not because of bad parenting, it’s not because we’re lazy or mean, it’s not because we want to procrastinate it’s just that we don’t find the task interesting enough to pay attention to it. We either think about too many things at once or only focus on one thing (hyperfocus). Having ADHD feels like your brain never stops running and there’s no off button. We’re simultaneously fast and poor thinkers; we can connect things easily, sometimes we can’t see any connection at all. I’ve probably forgotten so many things in this post but you can ask me questions or tell me if I’ve forgotten anything.

#should I tag this idk #adhd #*

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