#so while this could be interpreted as me trying to draw something scary

[alpacacare-archive]

he dont bite

#repostober #day 13 yyaayy #deltarune #undertale #gaster #wd gaster #what inspired this was an old dadster painting i saw that drew the skelefam as realistic skeletons and depicted gaster as #a skull without teeth #so i looked up what a skull without teeth looks like and !!!! look its uncanny!!!!!!! i had to draw him like that #i love looking at this cus while drawing it i was in a super nostalgic mood and listened to a bunch of my childhood songs (in my native) #so while this could be interpreted as me trying to draw something scary #whenever i look at it i immediately feel the warm fuzzies i felt while drawing it and listening to songs kid me liked #to me this is a drawing of a childhood friend #anyways jhdks.. #i tried to make the triangle shape under his head in the og sprite his rib cage #sort of morphing and contorting out of his melting body #also i tried to make the body of the sternum of this rib cage (the piece between the two sets of ribs) look like his soul #just some details i liked about this :'))))

[dross-the-fish]

What do you think Erik's past was with women, when it comes to dating and women. I'd like to know what your take is.

"dating" is probably not the word I'd use. Delving into the text of the book there are two parts that stick out to me as indicating that Erik may have a history with women other than Christine this segment here from the scene at Apollo's Lyre where Christine is recounting events to Raoul "You wanted to know what I looked like! Oh, you women are so inquisitive! Well, are you satisfied? I'm a very good-looking fellow, eh? … When a woman has seen me, as you have, she belongs to me. She loves me for ever. I am a kind of Don Juan, you know!' And, drawing himself up to his full height, with his hand on his hip, wagging the hideous thing that was his head on his shoulders, he roared, 'Look at me! I AM DON JUAN TRIUMPHANT!' And, when I turned away my head and begged for mercy, he drew it to him, brutally, twisting his dead fingers into my hair." Seems to indicate that this kind of thing has happened before. It is possible Erik is speaking generally and it's not definitive proof but it is interesting, the verbiage he uses.

And this scene towards the end of the book when he has Raoul and the Persian in his torture chamber

"What are you running away for?" asked the furious voice, which had followed her. "Give me back my bag, will you? Don't you know that it is the bag of life and death?"

"Listen to me, Erik," sighed the girl. "As it is settled that we are to live together ... what difference can it make to you?"

"You know there are only two keys in it," said the monster. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to look at this room which I have never seen and which you have always kept from me ... It's woman's curiosity!" she said, in a tone which she tried to render playful.

But the trick was too childish for Erik to be taken in by it.

"I don't like curious women," he retorted, "and you had better remember the story of BLUE-BEARD and be careful ... Come, give me back my bag! ... Give me back my bag! ... Leave the key alone, will you, you inquisitive little thing?"

And he chuckled, while Christine gave a cry of pain. Erik had evidently recovered the bag from her." He says he doesn't like "curious women" and makes a reference to Blue Beard, which is a fairytale about a serial killer who murders his wives. There's a scene in Blue Beard where the most recent wife discovers a room with the bodies of his previous wives. The first quote could be dismissed but this is the second time Erik has indicated a dislike for curious women. Erik's lair is canonically full of traps and features a very cruel torture chamber. By evoking the image of Blue Beard in particular the narrative seems to be further implying that Erik does have some history of women and not a pleasant one. It's possible that Erik is just trying to scare Christine out of looking in the room but it's equally likely that it's not an idle threat. He's shown that he's not above putting hands on Christine and treating her roughly despite his claims to love her. I have a personal theory that Christine is not the first but Erik knows she is going to be the last. I've always kind of run on the idea that throughout the book Erik is aware his health is failing and the clock is winding down for him and that's why Christine is different, because she's his last chance and in the end she does give him, not a living bride, but something much more needed: redemption and forgiveness from someone he's harmed. Proof that he's not unworthy of human compassion. A lot of people in the Phandom don't seem to recognize how dark of a character Erik is. I find him legitimately scary as much as I also find him sympathetic and I think he is fascinating in part because there is something genuinely terrifying about him that tickles my love for horror stories. I feel like it's vague enough that you can leave it up to interpretation, so if you don't really like the idea that he's had women in his past that he ended up killing you can chalk it up to Erik just trying to frighten Christine into compliance but I think it's interesting to look at the darker takes and speculate about the skeletons in his closet.

#The phantom of the opera #book theories #literary analysis

[anincompletelist]

get to know me tag! :D

OKAY @bigassbowlingballhead I am combining your tag with the ones from @littlemisskittentoes and @read-and-write- even though those were SO LONG AGO NOW but I realized I haven't ever really posted much about myself on here (unless you've followed me over from @soldouthaz ) sooooo HERE IS THAT? <3 thanks for the tags friends I loved reading about y'all!

First Set

Last Song: JAPANESE WHISKEY by Ruel

Last Film: No Hard Feelings jshdkjshd

Currently Reading:

the books sitting beside my laptop right now are:

- War of the Foxes / Richard Siken - Letters to Father / Franz Kafka - Time is a Mother / Ocean Vuong - On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous / Ocean Vuong - Devotions / Mary Oliver - The Cinnamon Peeler / Michael Ondaatje - Little Weirds / Jenny Slate

and fic-wise:

- I am hoping to finish the newest chapter of a sea of hope by acastle tonight - I just read A Thing of Beauty by @orchidscript last night (was wonderful!) - and I just compiled a list of all my January favorites here !

Currently Watching: The Bear is the next one up on my watch list if I ever manage to get around to it! love ayo so much!

Currently Consuming: a large diet coke from sonic skjhdkshd my beloved <3

Currently Craving: a cinnamon roll?

Three ships:

Firstprince

Sterek

I used to write Larry so I guess that counts? skjdhsdjkh

First Ship: oh gosh, I think sterek, but also technically Eddie and Loren from a show called Hollywood Heights when I was in middle school skjdhkjshd

+

Second Set

Were You Named After Anyone?

yes! the story of Sarah in the Old Testament of the Bible! she was described as faithful, loving, caring, stubborn (ha), and loyal, and also ties into my adoption story :)

When Was The Last Time You Cried?

oh gosh, several days ago, I think? it was my birthday skhdkjshd (no further explanation needed)

Do You Have Kids?

I do not, although I am the certified and confirmed 'Mom Friend'

What Sport Do/Have You You Played?

no <3

Do You Use Sarcasm?

not typically unless it's with someone I am very comfortable with. I work in a lot of mental health conscious areas and am studying to be a therapist so I try not to use any type of humor that could be negatively interpreted!

What's The First Thing You Notice About Other People?

usually body language! I'd say I pick up on energy fairly well, so that too, if applicable.

What's Your Eye Color?

blue! (surprise I am Henry)

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

cannot watch scary movies, I have far too much anxiety in general to have a need to induce it intentionally jshdkjhs. it doesn't have to be a happy ending though, so long as the theme/lessons are well done. I adore digging into films and picking apart all of the layers and symbolism, so anything with some emotional weight is right up my alley! but I enjoy a bit of everything :)

Any Talents?

I'm a photographer both as a job and as a hobby, and I work part time as a makeup artist as well! I enjoy writing in my free time (obviously) and I like painting and drawing, although I definitely wouldn't consider myself very talented in those areas skjdhksd. honestly anything creative I will try and probably enjoy!

Where Where You Born?

Texas (I am Alex actually)

What Are Your Hobbies?

I touched on it earlier but photography, makeup, reading/writing, anything creative and anything psych related pretty much!

Do You Have Any Pets?

I have three! all dogs, two chihuahuas and a dachshund :)

How Tall Are You?

5'5? (I have been telling people my entire life I'm 5'7 and at my last doctor's visit they informed me that I was a liar!)

Favorite Subject in School?

english and psych!

Dream Job?

any place I can help people. I would love to be involved in a cause larger than myself while also getting to do something I'm passionate about, so anything from an english teacher to an editor to a therapist to volunteer work!

+

open tag to anyone who would like to share! <3

xx

#about me

[1-800-deactivatednearu]

Idk if i sent you this request because memories shit but,

Do you know tc2? Typical colors 2, its the roblox and i was wondering if you could draw any of the funny tc2 mercs- *autism eyes*

never sent this to me yet ^_^

[i.d.: a digital drawing of the typical colors 2 cast in a group ensemble, in yellow (neutral colour) uniform. from left to right: flanker, trooper, arsonist, annihilator, brute, mechanic, doctor, marksman, agent. /end i.d.]

some sketches + headcanons below read more, lower quality than my usual but blehhh :P

[i.d.: two sketches. agent, her hand on flanker's shoulder with a distant expression: "Bravo… son." flanker, pulling a face: "What." agent: "She hasn't told you yet?"

agent kisses flanker's mom, captioned: "new stepmom." /end i.d.]

these characters are so young, what do you mean 18-25 age range between flanker and agent?? scary, i have not drawn someone under age thirty (if not forty!) in a while

agent may not be flankers mom but thats not stopping her from traveling to new york for reasons other than business :P

well ! off to visit your mother !

flankers mom design is roughly based off his unused female design

[i.d.: three sketches. marksman, pointing to his scarred eye: "This eye? Gone. Plain can't see out of it." he holds his rifle scope to the scarred eye: "Anyways."

doctor bundles up his coat to staunch mechanic's wound. mechanic ogles doctor's exposed stocky build, captioned "oh wow muscles."

arsonist (captioned "AAC board user"): "Dominated. Scrub." /end i.d.]

i read the domination line. i see others making fun of marksman for being blind. his eye is scarred?? he cannot see out his eye????? the one he puts up to his scope??????

you know i actually played tc2 . for research purposes . and wow mechanics voice is very piercing(?) especially when you play doctor (compare to the softer spoken arsonist and doctor) so its very easy to have him on the mind

i think its good to subvert expectations when you can, soft intellectual doctor with a muscular build thats largely obscured by his clothing

i actually think of the doctor as with russian heritage if only because of his older voice lines :)

is arsonist a robot??? i saw word going around but didnt see anything necessarily canon about it? is this head canon or canon?

interpreted them as an aac user (and a human), i think it would work well with the nature of voice lines in games

[i.d.: two sketches. agent and doctor are glaring at each other and quoting their domination lines for one another. agent, holding a gun to doctor's chest : "Vulnerable. Weak. Easy." doctor, bent over to be glaring up at her: "You're annoying, you're weak, and you're an absolute failure."

brute, talking, captioned: "my friend, infodumping about motorbikes" marksman, smiling at him, captioned: "me, knowing it's my turn to infodump about fishing next"

mechanic has his hand on the flanker's shoulder: "Well son back in my day--" flanker cuts him off, looking skeptical: "My MOM is older than you???" /end i.d.]

i think trying to build off team fortress dynamics for typical colors isnt my thing :( cmon we gotta take these characters by the horns and make our own dynamics and characterizations i believe in us!!!

personally think doctor and agent have something going on . they hate each other they kill each other they kiss with tongue . they have funny domination lines .

mechanic using "son" is funny, this guy cannot be older than agent and yall know shes only 20-25

what do you mean he has a phd. flanker told him that a more useful education for mechanic was in political science, that was absolutely brutal to read

also finding him following engineer team fortress (a texan) in tonal inflection and slang as a western usamerican (not texan) funny . yeeaboo :)

i think the oldest characters would be like . brute and marksman in their 30s . maybe doctor too

i think brute and marksman could get along :) they contrast in a way that i think would play off nicely, someone who is outgoing and upbeat drawing someone more reserved out of their shell

#tc2 #typical colors 2 #my art #flanker tc2 #trooper tc2 #arsonist tc2 #annihilator tc2 #brute tc2 #mechanic tc2 #doctor tc2 #marksman tc2 #agent tc2 #agentdoctor

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hello! So I'm questioning if I can be a system/plural, and I was wondering if you could help me out with a few things.

I've been researching a lot of signs that someone might be plural over the past few days, but because of autism, a lot of them I didn't understand or I'm not sure I interpreted them correctly. So if you could give me some examples of what these things might look like in practice I think that would make it easier for me!

I see a lot of people talk about "voices in your head", but I've never been inside a singlet's head to find out what the voices they tend to hear are like and how it differs from the ones plurals hear, so how do I know it doesn't is just a thought or just me? A lot of people hint at this, but most are something along the lines of "if this surprises you, doesn't seem like you, doesn't sound like you, or just sounds like someone else, chances are it's someone else!" but then ANOTHER question arises: How do I differentiate between "someone else's voice" and "intrusive/impulsive thought"?

I've also seen some people cite other forms of communication that system members can use (thoughts, images, feelings...), but I didn't understand exactly HOW these forms of communication look like in practice and, again, how they differ from common experiences.

I also don't understand most of the descriptions people give of "losing control of the body", and I don't know how to differentiate this from the body's "auto pilot" (which I believe is a common experience).

Not only in subjects about plurality, but in most subjects that include dissociation, it's common to see some description of dissociation that is like "getting out of your body and feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside", and I REALLY can't even imagine what that means or what it should look like, because I don't know how "literal" that description is. So, again, could you give me examples of what that feeling looks like in practice?

Anyway, thanks in advance!

Hi! Keep in mind we can only share our perspective as one DID system, but we’ll try to answer your questions with our experiences to the best of our ability!

1) For us, the voices have always sounded like distinct, different people. My inner voice sounds different from Kip’s which sounds different from Toby, Cecil, or Alucard! We think that with singlets, their inner voice usually sounds like them, like they’re having a more or less continuous inner monologue. This was one reason why first discovering the system was so scary for our host, because he was hearing the voices of others in his mind!

We also struggle with intrusive thoughts, and it’s taken a while for us to decipher whether we’re hearing from an alter or an intrusive thought. For us, though, we can tell what it is based on the content of the thought and whether or not we can open a dialogue.

For example (SUICIDE CONTENT WARNING): we have one alter who is suicidal, who laments about it sometimes. We also have intrusive thoughts regarding suicide. (END CONTENT WARNING) We can tell the difference between these because our intrusive thoughts often are direct, specific, and accompanied with unwanted, gruesome images. Our alter doesn’t conjure images for us, and will usually offer some sort of response if we reach out. We don’t really get responses from our intrusive thoughts, only louder and louder repeating the same ideas or concepts. Our intrusive thoughts also dissipate with coping strategies, grounding, reorienting, etc, but the voices of alters don’t really vanish in that same way (unless they’ve gone dormant, but usually that looks quite different from shaking an intrusive thought!)

Hopefully that makes sense? Sorry, it’s a difficult thing to discuss and describe!

2) So we encourage every system to open dialogue in different ways (journalling, messaging, drawing, leaving notes, and other physical means) in addition to attempting communication internally. Giving headmates as many opportunities as possible to respond may make things easier! But when attempting internal communication on our own, here’s how we go about it.

- One of us will reach out to another alter, either because they have something they want to tell them, or just to reaffirm their presence. Inside the mind, I may call out, “Basil are you there? Basil, there’s something I’d like to share with you.” If I never hear from that alter, I’ll write down what I was going to tell them, or pass the message along to an alter who may have better access (like our gatekeeper, for example!). But sometimes just calling their name can bring us in contact with each other.

- IF the dissociative barriers between two alters are too high, they’re not going to be able to hear from each other. At all. So at this point we don’t even try to contact the ones who are still locked in memory time, or unable to access certain others.

- Once we’ve managed to make a connection, we can have a conversation. Inside conversations don’t happen for us the way outside ones do. Talking to other alters can feel blended, muddled, or confusing sometimes. We tend to just exchange thoughts and ideas rather than having physical, vocal conversations in headspace. So I may ask, in my own mind, “How was your day, Toby?” And I get a reply, in Toby’s voice, that sounds like it’s coming from within my own mind. This may be because we function through cofronting so much, or it may be common for systems to communicate like this… we’re not really sure!

We also can’t speak to how common or usual this is for singlets either… this is just how our system usually works!

3) Losing control of the body means just that, and it can manifest in many different ways. In our system, it may look like:

- Watching real life happen, but it feels fake, like a movie, or genuinely not real.

- Seeing through the body’s eyes and hearing through the body’s ears, but unable to speak or move. When the body speaks and moves, it does things we absolutely wouldn’t, or feels foreign or strange to us.

- Feeling like we’re sitting in the backseat of our own mind while someone else is driving. Feeling far away from the present moment. Everything seems foggy and hazy.

- Experiencing literal time jumps and discovering conversations we can’t remember having or items we can’t remember obtaining. (Someone was in control of our body without us knowing).

- Feeling like we’re struggling against ourselves to accomplish certain tasks. For example “I need to brush my teeth but my legs will not let me cross the threshold of the bathroom” or “I want to show up to therapy, but somehow I already called ahead and cancelled.”

These are just a few examples, but there are lots of other ways in which alters in our system can lose control of the body, their agency, or their grip on reality and the present. Autopilot, to our understanding, is more like “I’m doing something I’m very familiar with, so I can let my mind wander to other things while doing this task and come back to the present when I’m done/when I’d like to.” Many drivers, for example, have been driving for so long that they don’t need to think about it any more. The actions of maneuvering a vehicle happen unconsciously, so they can focus their mind on other things. This doesn’t mean they’re losing control of themselves… it’s just that they’re doing something they’re familiar with, so they think less about what they’re doing.

4) Dissociation is more about a loss of connection, to your surroundings, the present, reality, your identity, memories, actions, and other things that people who don’t dissociate take their connection to for granted. Not all systems experience a “looking down on your body” sort of dissociation.

Our host often says he feels like his head is floating above the clouds while his body stays on the ground far below. Of course, his head isn’t physically separated from the body. He just feels dazed, foggy, confused, or far away from what’s happening in the real, present moment. Our examples of what it feels like to “lose control” are also examples of what dissociation can look like for us. Maybe for some systems, they literally can see their body from a bird’s eye perspective while they’re dissociating. It can come with feeling separated and disconnected from the body!

We know this is long winded and rambling, but maybe it’ll be able to answer some of your questions? Please let us know if you’d like any further info or are still confused. Again, we can only speak from our experience, but we’re happy to try and explain things in a different way if that could help!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

#intrusive thoughts #internal communication #dissociation #losing control #questioning system #long post #suicide mention

[fabdante]

If the reboot twins had angel and demon forms like the preboot twins have demon forms when they use DT or SDT, what do you think the reboot twins would look like in each form? Do you think the reboot twins would favor one form over the other, like angel form over demon form?

It seems like Nephilim get angel wings eventually, based on Assiel and the other dead Nephilim we see, but I like the idea that they could just switch between demonic or angelic wings if they wanted to, or naturally had more skill with one power set over the other.

I am about to ramble a lot about my headcanons about Nephilim and how they work and what not so excuse me asdfghjk

I've come to like that there's different subsets of Nephilim in the reboot universe. Since they're the offspring of angels and demons in the DmC reboot rather then the offspring of angels and humans, it almost kind of necessitates that there'd be like variations on Nephilim over time as they developed. Because like, the children of Nephilim in the reboot context are still Nephilim, they'd still be half angel and half demon, but their parents are not angel or demon. So on and so forth. Plus as a mixed race person, I like to ensure that mixed race people are allowed to exist in things, so that would mean a child of a Nephilim and an angel or a demon or a human is also still Nephilim in addition to being angel/demon/whatever but how that presents would then perhaps be different.

So, if we go by this notion, the twins are a unique case. Most of the Nephilim before the genocide were probably the result of Nephilim/Nephilim relationships or Nephilim and any other race where as the twins are the product of an angel/demon directly, which is bound to make their abilities a bit more raw, whatever that may mean.

I also tend to perhaps nerf the Nephilim in my own fanon and headcanons. They're just so powerful as presented in the reboot canon they just sort of like, need some draw backs. Like I know a lot of fans theorize or have headcanons about the twins perhaps being able to live thousands of years, but I've never personally liked due to this so I've adopted the thought that while in the human realm, Nephilim age normally. Little things like that.

Which then ties into this next head canon where I sort of like the idea that Nephilim are more or less 'trapped' in these more human bodies then their angel and demon counter parts. Like, these beings of immense power stuck in something that is very fragile, despite what their bodies do to try and counter act that (healing and stuff).

I think I've mentioned before but I tend to interpret the Assiel statue as just a statue possibly built in her honor so I've never really considered if Nephilim in the reboot do get wings or not. I suppose in my own line of thinking I've just always kind of liked them being stuck in the forms we see them in. It's an idea that we see explored a lot in the concept art to, like concepts of what an angel form Dante might look like vs a demon one and they're always just sort of him as we normally see him with some embellishments to make it clear what form he's in. (I am also one of the few who actually really like reboot Dantes devil trigger as is, I like the colors and it's useful asdfghjk)

That said I mean I'm an art kid I like character designs the prospect of the twins having angel and demon forms similar to the preboot demon forms is really fun and interesting.

The angel forms I think would be far more alien then the demon forms. This is probably because of my love for religious horror and what not but I like the idea of just scary angels and just angels generally just being so far removed from regular human understanding, just something very alien. So I imagine the angel forms would reflect this while still sort of being tethered to the twins regular forms. Something made of a lot of light and a lot of eyes and very large. Perhaps very gangly to. Perhaps even all of that and it's tethered to the human form some how.

Demon forms are probably much more comprehensible. It'd probably help if we saw Sparda's to know what we're branching off of but we don't, not really. I am a fan of horns though, and it'd be neat if they could have horns. I'm a fan of black sclera also give them that for funsies. I like the idea of the demon forms being more rooted in their human forms then the preboot counter parts but I also love monsters so the temptation to get really crazy with it is there asdfghjk

I think like how we see the twins and how the weapons work in game in game, Vergil might favor the angelic and Dante the demonic. Angel's seem like they'd be more adept for agility and ranged combat which is more in Vergils wheel house where as Dante tends to be a bit more close quarters and aggressive in his combat style and sensibilities which would favor the heavier blows a demon form would likely be able to deliver.

As for wings, I don't really often think about the twins getting wings so I don't really know. The idea is fun and there's a lot of canon to support the notion of them being able to switch between different wings with different skill sets so I think that makes sense!

#dmc reboot #fab talks #fabtalks #ask

[grumpy-potat]

Pygmalion and Galatea Tarot Pick a Pile

In the Greek myth of Pygmalion and his sculpture Galatea who through divine intervention becomes a real woman, we are presented with an artist king of Cyprus who has spurned love, women, and desire for companionship. Completely turned off by the women of his country he decided that he would never marry or find love. However, depending upon the version of the myth he either creates or is given a statue of such beauty that he calls upon the Goddess of Love, and the patron of his island to bring him a wife that is of equal beauty, having found that he wants to have a companion just like her. Aphrodite turns the statue into a person and the two get married and have a daughter.

Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

Like all Greek myths this myth has many iterations, but they all follow a similar theme even if some elements change. One element that has been added over time is naming the statue. In the myth, the statue isn't named, but over time we have given her the same name as a nymph who is the unrequited love of Polyphemus. Galatea means "Milky White" which would be the color of the marble she would have been sculpted out of. Another key feature is that Pygmalion decides he no longer wants the type of love that the women of Cyprus are willing to give. He finds them depraved. This has been read in many ways and all are valid. Misogyny, that he only wants a woman who can't speak to him, or he is a misogynist who learned the error of his ways and wants companionship from women at the end. Or another form of narcissism, the artist who can only love something that is a reflection of himself.

While all those are valid interpretations of the myth. I'd like to explore the story in a different way. Aphrodite is a goddess of Love and Beauty. Pygmalion lived on Cyprus, her home island and he shunned love and the rest of his people on the island to create his statues. He created his own beauty because he decided the people were too ugly and vulgar. The statue of Galatea is often a divine inspiration, not something he decided to create but something that is created in a manic drive. He falls in love with the statue's beauty and asks Aphrodite to bring him a wife as beautiful as the statue. In the end, the statue is brought to life and he marries Galatea and has a daughter with her, rejoining his community. How many of us turn away from everyone and everything when we decide that things have turned too ugly for us to face. To me, this can also be interpreted as a story of facing the fear of the ugliness of the world to accept the truth of the beauty that is also found in it. Because we can't lock ourselves away, no matter how badly we want to.

I know that this is a bit of a more positive spin than a lot of the interpretations you might encounter, but I am not a Greek mythology scholar. Just someone who has fun with literary interpretations and tarot readings. So I will also do a tarot draw today based on this interpretation of this story. Today we are going to do a three-card reading of what fear you need to let go of, what it is you need to help you succeed, the guiding muse on this path

Pick one of the three images of Pygmalion and Galatea and your reading will be below

1. Pygmalion and Galatea by Jean Leon Gerome(1824-1904)

Two of Wands, Page of Swords, Six of Wands

You have a fear of making a big decision that could push you further ahead toward a big reward or some type of goal that is outside your comfort zone. Making changes is difficult, scary, and change can be hard to process. But without necessary change there can be no growth, without taking risks there can be no rewards. What can help you process your fear and the thing you need to focus on is all your exciting new ideas and all the amazing new adventures that can be had if you do take that risk. Sometimes it can help to try to look at something with fresh eyes and from a different angle or even seek out advice from someone who might not have the same level of investment or experience to get a whole new perspective on your situation to help you reframe everything and overcome the fear you are experiencing that is stopping you from moving forward. Your guiding muse is knowing the type of recognition and acclaim you will receive at the end of this process. You will be celebrated for the work you have put in and that fuels you to continue on.

2. Pygmalion in love with his statue by Jean-Baptiste Regnault(1754-1829)

Eight of Swords, Eight of Cups, Ace of Wands

Your fear is consuming you with negative thoughts. It is like you have been caught up in life's game and you are nothing but a pawn to be played with. Just a piece to be cast aside or sacrificed when it is useful. The fear of catastrophe is crippling you and keeping you from living your life to its fullest. You need to let go of everything that isn't serving you and move on from it. Whether it is a relationship, a job, or a project, the Eight of Cups is calling you to move on. It can be hard, but the negativity of the situation could be contributing to the catastrophic thinking and world outlook you are having difficulty escaping from. Look to your muse which could be anything from a new opportunity to something new that entered your life that is bringing a spark of inspiration, and open yourself up to new passions and inspirations in both the physical, emotional, and spiritual realms.

3. Porcelain Group of Pygmalion and Galatea by Etienne-Maurice Falconete (1716-1719)

Five of Cups, Six of Pentacles, King of Pentacles

The fear that plagues you is that you might be a disappointment, that your actions might cause you regret, or that your endeavors might end it a total failure. This fear of disappointing those around you or disappointing yourself causes you to not act, or to not be as open as you might want to be. However, it is important to remember how much you have to give, and how much people appreciate you and what you do for them. You have a lot to offer, even if it doesn't feel like much to you, or it feels inadequate. Utilize your guiding muse here and have confidence in your knowledge and abilities. You are successful and have a proven track record. People trust you and when you make mistakes and own them people trust you more. If you are feeling unstable, look to someone who embodies the qualities you also want to bring into the world, it will help be a beacon for you.

Thank you all for reading my Greek myth interpretation and then the tarot readings. I've been trying to combine the things I love in different ways and I hope you all enjoy it too!

Please share any info or any of your favorite myths from anywhere with me or any of your favorite divination or witchy stuff. I love learning about things.

#tarot #tarotblr #witchcraft #witchblr #greek myth #greek mythology #pick a pile #just for fun #pick a picture #divination #pygmalion #pygmalion and galatea

[tamelee]

Hello again! I’m so sorry to bother you in any way!

I am really, really wanting to write something based off one of your works, and I was hoping to ask if there were any you prefer over the others. Just in your own opinion; maybe ones you’re more confident of right now. I was wanting to at least try and build off something you yourself might actually enjoy reading about, but if not that won’t dampen my spirits! (No worries! Reading is agony!) I totally understand if reading isn’t your thing. It isn’t mine either, really. Lol. But just in case, I wanted to ask.

If the thought of someone being able to write a story off of your art is more like what you would hope than someone expounding an idea you’ve had on ice for said piece, I completely understand and respect that! (I am an absolute hermit and the internet still scares me, so you are welcome to flee my presence. I do it every Friday.)

You just draw Sasuke and Naruto in the most absolutely most perfect ways my brain likes and I am a little bit feral to write about it, lol. If you happened to glance my deplorable works I have up at the moment, I do have at least a few decently lighthearted ones. I was thinking something soft but complex might go nice with your painting style.

Just as a tiny whisper: I often think about your art of Sasuke in that fantasy design; it was genuinely breathtaking, and now I use that as my base framework for how his face semi-realistically could look….. I love his cute little nosey. It lives rent free in my head from sunrise to sunset and it makes each one better. 🥹

I’m so sorry to ask this through—well…—ask. You’re more than welcome to answer publicly! I just like checking if there’s anything the artist would like to see written about their work, and if not then I will just go Limitless(ly Cute) Hog Wild on it.

Hi @leechdoggy 💕!

I am never bothered, dw. Also, I’m listening to “Flying Light” OST while typing this which makes it all the more epic. 

Ah, I think it’s beautiful if a fandom can get inspired from each other right? Fan-art creating more fan-fiction and vice versa.. I’d say go for it! For any which you like. Don’t let my thoughts I had about my art myself while drawing limit you as you interpret it in any way for your words/story. Especially if that is how you feel about it. I’ll accept “soft and complex” gratefully, just your kindness overall, it makes me happy- thankyou 🥰 

I’m also glad to hear about the Sasuke fantasy design art, all the talk about my art style really dampened my spirits lately but you made my sunrise to sunset better.. 

We seem to have a lot in common, I too am a hermit (currently at least) and the internet did show me it can be scary as well, but it is Friday today. I have no intention of fleeing you and I do enjoy reading a lot. I wonder, is your name the same on Ao3? I’ll definitely check it out! Happy writing 🧡

#asktamelee #leechdoggy #tysm!

[museenkuss]

Hello sweetie!💓

How are you? Are you ready for your next job?

Maybe it is a strange question and you don't have to answer it but what do you do when you are feeling lonely?

I am finding myself in a strange spot it my life and I would like some recommendations💖💖

Hi!! 🌹

thank you for asking!! I still have some time to prepare, thankfully..but I'm excited already haha :')

Loneliness is a difficult topic and a heavy cross to bear. In general, I think the best two ways of dealing with it are a) reaching out to others and b) learning to enjoy one's own company. [the second one is probably more interesting, so let's start with a)]

Now, the first part might sound like the logical thing to do: Reaching out to a friend. But it's actually quite tricky because at times like this, we might find ourselves without anyone to turn to - we want to reach out, but to whom? Sometimes, the rut we find ourselves in clouds or vision and we forget about the good friends we have, so when that crashing wave of loneliness hits out of nowhere, a short-term solution might just be to go to our contacts, to see our friends there and remember they care for us, even if we haven't talked in a while. And then we have to dare to reach out. However, sometimes that's not enough. We lose friends sometimes and find ourselves truly without anyone to text or reach out to. A long-term solution then might be to make new friends - which is very scary, I know. But I think we need to keep in mind that everyone is lonely, all the time. So the first step is to put yourself in a position where you share time with strangers regularly - I think after 20h spent together we start to think of someone as a friend? Something like that. So, regularly spending time together is a first step. At work, at uni/school, in dance/art/writing classes - a good rule of thumb is that when you find yourself thinking "I wish I could make friends here", you can assume that a good chunk of people are thinking the same thing. That mindset usually helps me to dare to be the one who says that first "you have a really nice handwriting" - and even if the person in question won't be our next best friend, a little chat alone helps a lot to ease that clench of loneliness around our hearts.

~🌹~

To move on to the second point - I think think sometimes what we interpret as loneliness is boredom or fear of spending time with ourselves without the distraction of another person (i.e. being nervous to have lunch alone and being judged by onlookers). With the way we're living today, we are often made to feel like we have to be surrounded by people and that certain things can only be enjoyed in a group. For one, we can end up feeling ashamed for being on our own. Apart from that, this mindset can result in us not doing things simply because we have nobody to do them with. That's something that happens to me quite often - the feeling of being made to feel lonely. It's like a compulsory loneliness. Additionally, I sometimes feel a rush of loneliness when I'm online for too long. Online spaces are great, but they can be incredibly isolating - we see everyone having fun and being in their own bubble, and if we're not in that circle of "treasured mutuals" (or don't feel like we are), "social media" can lead to us just feeling more alone with ourselves. Thus, when the feeling of loneliness rushes up to me sudden and unexpected, a short-term solution I turn to is to detach myself from online spaces and spend time with myself - reading or watching something for an hour without interruption, but also forcing myself to create something, be it writing, baking or drawing. Anything that interrupts the downward spiral and reminds me that there are many, many things to be enjoyed alone. I find that journaling can help, but sometimes it ends in an endless circle of repeated misery - which CAN feel freeing, but if I don't want to slip into that mindset, I try things like listing my favourite songs at the moment or writing a book/movie review, copying down a poem or writing a little essay on something ("spring rain", "things to dislike about renaissance art" etc). A long-term solution for me personally is forcing myself to spend time with myself in public. It's a reminder to myself that I don't need people around to do things I enjoy - and that I, in fact, enjoy some things most when I do them on my own, at my own time. Going to museums, for example, or shopping for books and perfumes.

~🌹~

To sum it up: Maybe the loneliness stems from genuine lack of connection. In that case, even the slightest, faintest hint of a human contact might be a first step to combat it. But it's also possible that what feels like loneliness is the pressure put on us to be constantly surrounded by other people - and here we have to remember that we are enough.

What really helps me here is a short Novala Takemoto essay on loneliness - at this point, I unfortunately don't remember where I found it, but when I feel anxious or sad because I'm not surrounded by the girl group american media is telling me I should have, it's worth its weight in gold to me.

A maiden stands coldly like a glass plain that seems like it would shatter if touched, encased in a hard shell for protection, and that maiden, tightly bound in a web of honey and gazing at you all alone, isn’t she cute.

~🌹~

My darling, I'm really sorry you are at a point in your life where you feel lonely. This got very long, but I hope that maybe, some parts of it were helpful to you. We're going to make it through ♥️

#ask

[cuntyko]

she's ridged, she's cold, she's jaded, its seems she doesn't give a fuck

I knew I related Kat Stratford as soon as she made those girls shiver in fear when she pulled up next to them in the parking lot... thats pretty much how I was perceived in school... a smart ass know it all that would cook you if she had the chance... a scary ass cunt

trust me I've endured an intense psychological obstacle course that was my childhood,,, It really wasn't until recently that I started keeping a journal... I never really need to write anything down before I would just remember it but it would give me something to do while I procrastinated and I could really arrange my thoughts visually which was rather helpful giving i'm a visual person. the little off hand interpretations of what Im doing on the piece of paper infront of me would be the only thing that got on my nerves. Its ridiculous how curious be people would get about what I was doing in my little black book... one time this girl obnoxiously asked if I was drawing her... I-

I wanted to like scream when some annoying ass dude would patronize me like hah ha so is that like your diary ahaha sometimes I think the people around me were trying to get me to show an ounce of interest, intrigue, something push my buttons just a little just to know there was anything going on in my cold little heart.. I knew the little game so id just casually slide over the book knowing no one really wanted to go through the tedious task of reading my inner thoughts in my annoying small print. No one dares to analyze the analyzer nor should they... I guess cause when they try they usually get it wrong.

men tend to flirt with me by trying to attend to my daddy issues which Ive always found weird...probably because with the thought of my father comes an intense feeling of disgust...I blame internets consensus on daddy issues, that it equates to "FrEaKY", which is despicable. God please no THANK GOD that my issues didn't manifest in that way cause its like usually so destructive... wayyy more avoidant, so everyone thinks im a bitch... which I am but only cause the world made me that way how hard is that to understand? Look around n see the world im handed with and try YOU try not to end up as disillusioned as I

#girlblogger #talk #tumblrina #personal #girl blogging #real #thought #waif

[natsfirecat]

Bring You Back

pairing: Natasha Romanoff x fem reader

summary: r and nat have happily been together for over a year, until everything comes crashing down. now, nat and the avengers will stop at nothing to get back the r they know

genre: angst w happy ending

word count: 10k

warnings: swearing, cheating, mind control/brainwashing, setting things on fire, Supergirl references, two sentences that could potentially be interpreted as implied smut but that wasn’t my intention, lmk if i need to add any more

A/N: this is set in the same universe as Operation Fire Widow but you don’t need to read that to understand this!

also this is kinda proofread, and by that i mean it’s 2am and i read over it but i’m tired and not thinking straight so the proofread doesn’t really count

”I swear, if you two don’t get married then I won’t believe in love anymore,” Carol said as she sat down on the chair across from you and Natasha.

You smiled as you felt your girlfriend’s arms around you tighten.

Carol couldn’t help but smile proudly at the two of you. 

You had been together for a little over a year, but you had been crushing on her for months beforehand. Carol, being one of your best friends, had been part of the big plan created to get the two of you together. Things didn’t end up going as planned, but of course it all worked out in the end. 

“Does anyone want a blanket before it starts?” Wanda asked as she entered the living room.

Carol and Peter both nodded at her, but Natasha simply shook her head.

“I have my blanket right here,” she whispered into your ear.

You grinned, then closed your eyes. You purposely used your pyrokinesis to heat yourself up to just the right temperature so your girlfriend could be warm. 

She leaned forward, planting a gentle kiss on your neck, causing you to giggle. 

In the past year that you were together, Natasha evidently found out about your love for Supergirl.

It took some convincing, but eventually you were able to get her to binge watch the show with you so she could catch up to the live episodes.

“Y’know, you’re kinda like Kara if you think about it,” Natasha had told you. “You’re a happy little ray of sunshine, but you can also be a powerful badass when you want to,”

You smiled at her, giving her a quick kiss.

“I think you’re like Lena,” you replied, smiling at her. “You don’t have powers, but you’re still a badass and the team would basically be lost without you. You’re also super smart, and not to mention the fact that you both have gorgeous green eyes. Plus, you and Lena both act like you’re all dark and scary, but deep down you’re a softie,”

She rolled her eyes at the last sentence, prompting you to giggle before kissing her once again.

“So if I’m Kara and you’re Lena, then that means that you have reason to ship Supercorp now!”

“I already ship them, detka.” She told you, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. “Lena clearly makes her smile a lot more than Mon-El ever did. I wish he never came back in the first place, but Lena did right by making the device that required him to leave Earth,”

“I’m so proud of you.”

Now, Natasha had caught up so she could watch the episodes live with you Carol, Wanda, and Peter. 

The current season wasn’t great, but you had been watching it since the pilot of the show first aired and you certainly weren’t going to stop now.

“Damn it,” you heard Natasha whisper as William appeared on the screen. “I don’t want to see him,”

You smiled, then placed your hands over hers, which were currently resting on your lower stomach. 

“He’s just taking up screen-time that should be going to Nia, or Alex or Kelly,” she said to you.

You nodded in agreement, softly rubbing your thumb over her knuckles.

You leaned back father into her, allowing her to place a few kisses on your head. 

“I love you, Natty,” you said softly, looking up at her. 

“I love you too,” she whispered back, unable to stop the smile on her face.

“Hey, lovebirds!” Carol said, pausing the show. “Do your little sappy couple stuff later, we’re about to get a Supercorp moment,”

You breathed out a chuckle, then turned your attention back to the screen.

-

After the episode ended, Natasha insisted on carrying you back to your shared bedroom because of how tired you were.

You nodded, allowing her to effortlessly pick you up and take you upstairs to bed. 

Luckily, you had decided to wear your pajamas before going down for Supergirl, so you didn’t have to change now that you were as tired as you were.

She gently set you down on the bed, climbing next to you as soon as she changed into her own pajamas.

Her arms had become your home at this point. You scooted yourself closer to her, placing your head underneath her chin as you wrapped your arms around her. 

A yawn escaped your mouth as you began to entangle your legs with hers.

“Natty?” You asked her, not quite ready to fall asleep yet. She nodded for you to continue. “When do you think Bucky’s gonna ask Steve out? I can tell he likes him. Maybe we should do something for him like my friends did with me last year,”

Her breath had hitched the moment you mentioned Bucky’s name.

“What?” You asked her, eyes opening wider now. 

“I don’t think Bucky likes Steve,” she said. Not in her soft voice she normally used with you. But with her voice she used with everyone else.

“What makes you say that?” You asked, your smile faltering a bit. 

“He just doesn’t,”

“And how would you know that?”

“Don’t worry about it, let’s just go to sleep.”

You backed away from her, raising yourself up so you were on your elbows now.

“Why are you being so defensive?”

“I’m not!”

“You are,”

“Y/N I told you, don’t worry about it!”

Her eyes had widened, and she almost looked afraid. And that made you afraid.

“Natty, what’s going on?”

She said nothing, but broke her eye contact.

“Natasha,” you said, your own tone changing a bit too. It wasn’t your happy, cheerful tone you had most of the time. It was the tone you used while on the battlefield, or during interrogations. “Tell me what’s going on right now.”

“I can’t,” she said at almost a whisper. Tears formed in her eyes, threatening to fall down.

“Tell me, or I’ll ask Bucky myself,”

“No, don’t!” She begged. “Please don’t! It didn’t mean anything! You’re the one I love!”

Your heart fell, as she practically confirmed your fear.

You were wide awake now. 

“No,” you got out. “No it’s not true,”

You pulled yourself out of her grasp and got out of the bed. You sped-walked down to the end of the hall, Natasha following after you.

Your fists were balled so tightly, you were sure your nails would leave a mark; they were almost drawing blood.

You had to take a deep breath before knocking on his door, you didn’t want to set it on fire.

“Yeah?” He asked, opening it. His smile fell as soon as he saw Natasha’s tear-struck face.

“What did you guys do?” You asked shakily, looking between them.

“You told her?!” Bucky said angrily. 

“No, no, no, no, no,” you said softly, your stomach already twisting. “It’s true?”

“I promise it didn’t mean anything,” Natasha cried desperately. She pulled your arm back, flinching at the heat radiating off of it, but she didn’t let go. “It was only once, we just had a bit too much to drink, and-”

You pulled your arm out of her grasp, already feeling the tears falling down your cheeks.

“When?” 

“Two weeks ago,” Bucky answered, earning a glare from Natasha.

“Y/N, baby, please,” she said as she reached out for you again. “I love you, and I want you,”

You couldn’t even look at her.

Without another word, you made your way back to your bedroom. Not the one you shared with Natasha, but the one you had before you and her got together. 

At this point you began to hyperventilate. You could hear the banging coming from the other side of your door, but you weren’t going to open it. 

You lay facing down on your bed, letting the sobs escape as your breathing only got faster.

Before you knew it, the pillow you were clinging onto had completely caught on fire. 

“Shit,” you said, shaking it to try to get rid of it. 

Unfortunately, your grip on it only made it worse. So you tossed it onto the bed.

Bad idea.

Now the entire bed was on fire. 

“Oh, fuck it!” 

Luckily, Tony had used his nanotech to upgrade all of your suits. So with a tap to your watch, your fireproof superhero suit began to appear. 

If you could smother the flames with something that wouldn’t catch on fire, maybe it could work.

It did not.

The fire alarm was now going off. 

“Fuck, shit, fuck,” you muttered.

You closed your eyes, holding your hand out to attempt to use your powers to put the flames out, but it didn’t work. You could still hardly breathe, and your vision was still blurry with tears.

Finally, you fell to your knees, letting out a scream that carried so many emotions. 

When you opened your eyes, the flames were gone. Your hands were shaking, your chest was burning, and the fire alarm was still going off, but the flames were gone. 

You let out a shaky sigh.

You stood up, ready to open the door, but you stopped yourself right before you grabbed the handle.

You couldn’t be here anymore. You wouldn’t. Not after what she did to you. 

You figured you’d call one of your childhood friends, and stay with her for a bit. You two had always had one another’s backs, so you didn’t doubt that she’d help you.

You made your way back to the door, silently praying that no one would still be waiting. 

You wish had half-come true. Natasha wasn’t right outside your door anymore, but she was down the hall heading toward you. It looked like she was carrying something to open your door, since she wouldn’t have been able to do it herself with the material it was.

You quickly broke eye contact with her, then dashed down the other end of the hall. You heard her footsteps, but you didn’t stop running. 

“Y/N, please!” She called, finally catching up to you as you stood outside yours and her bedroom door.

“Get away from me,” you choked out. 

You just needed to grab your phone so you could call your friend. You needed your phone so you could get away from the person who had caused you all the pain you were feeling.

You opened the door, wasting no time in finding your phone right where you left it on the nightstand. 

Unfortunately, your eyes met hers as you turned back around.

“Please, let’s just talk about this! Y/N, I love you!”

“I wish I believed that.”

You brushed past her, leaving her stunned. 

You couldn’t face anyone right now. Once you got to your friend’s place, you’d text your other friends and let them know that you were safe. 

But for now, you exited the building without another word. 

You were thankful for your fire powers at this moment. You could see your breath in front of you, so you knew it had to be cold for anyone without pyrokinesis.

Once you got far enough away from the compound (you knew you were far enough when you could no longer hear the fire truck that had automatically been sent over by F.R.I.D.A.Y.) you pulled your phone out, and scrolled through your contacts until you found your friend.

You clicked the call button, holding the phone up to your ear.

“Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up...”

The phone rang a few more times as you waited for her, but you never found out if she actually picked up or not; as you suddenly lost consciousness at the feeling of a blow to your head. 

Part of you tried to fight whatever was happening to you, hearing the voices as your body was dragged around. But the other part of you thought about what Natasha had done to you. That part didn’t fight.

And that part won.

6 months later

”We have intel on a HYDRA base formed near here, responsible for multiple civilian casualties and experimentation,” Steve told everyone. 

Natasha had been staring at the empty seat at the table, once filled with your presence. 

“Nat,” Steve said to her, sighing.

“What?” She asked, being brought back to reality.

“Look, Nat,” he said softly. “We need you for this. We need the whole team.”

She said nothing, but nodded at him. 

She had to restrain herself from shifting her gaze back to your empty chair. She also had to restrain herself from looking at anyone but Steve to avoid everyone else’s lingering glares.

Most missions didn’t need the whole team, but because no one had been to this base before, they didn’t know what to expect. Because of that, it was better to be prepared and have the whole team rather than risking a few people for what could be too much for them.

The base was only about 30 minutes on the Quinjet, so definitely within somewhat close proximity. 

Steve sent Wanda and Natasha down first. 

Neither of them said anything to each other. Wanda had hardly said two words to her at all since you left. She missed you, and she blamed her for your leaving. 

Tony and Carol followed close behind. 

Natasha held her gun at her side, holding it up at every corner they passed. 

Of course, she wasn’t really thinking about this mission, or about HYDRA.

She was thinking about you.

She was thinking about how you would go out of your way to hold her hand while she was nervous on missions. She didn’t get nervous until you.

Before you, she never really felt that she had a reason to be nervous.

But once she was with you, she would always get scared that she wouldn’t make it back to you, or you wouldn’t make it back to her. 

Even after you left, her nerves didn’t go away. 

With her powers, Wanda could sense Natasha’s anxiety. She was pretty good at hiding it, but her thoughts were loud enough for Wanda to tell otherwise. 

They rounded the next corner, making their way into a room filled with computers. 

“We’re in,” Wanda said through her earpiece. 

Natasha made her way to one of the computers, and began to type away to get what they needed.

If she hadn’t been the cause for you leaving, Wanda, along with the team in general, would actually feel bad for the assassin. She hardly went on missions anymore, unless they absolutely needed her. 

She could hide her emotions when people looked her straight in the face, but they all knew that she had been miserable since you had left.

Before you, she didn’t smile very often. When she did, it was usually just a small grin. But once she was with you, she couldn’t help but smile almost all the time around you. She wouldn’t hesitate to fully smile with you, especially when you were always smiling at her.

“Oh my god, Natasha,” Wanda said, letting out a long, frustrated sigh. “For just one second, could you stop thinking about…”

Natasha perked up when she noticed that Wanda didn’t finish her sentence.

She turned around to see what she was looking at, causing her jaw to drop instantly.

“Y/N…”

-

“Let go of me!”

“No! I don’t belong here!”

“What did you do to me? Why can’t I use my powers?”

“Get away from me!”

Your cries echoed through everyone’s ears as you were restrained in a small cell.

Your plan was to burn the two redheads before they could get HYDRA’s important files, but they had failed to inform you that one of them had powers too. Except her powers allowed her to constrict you in mid-air as you fought against her. 

She eventually put you into some sort of trance, so you wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone. 

You weren’t sure why everyone was looking at you the way they did, but you figured it had something to do with them being Avengers.

In your months as a HYDRA agent, they always warned you of the Avengers. They said they couldn’t let you get anywhere near them. 

You weren’t sure why, I mean, you could literally control fire with your mind. Had you been paired against anyone other than the redheaded witch, you would’ve easily won. 

“Y/N,” came the voice of Captain America.

“That’s not my name. I don’t know who Y/N is,” you replied, sending him a harsh glare.

“Y/N, we know this isn’t you. We’re going to do everything in our power to get you back,”

You scoffed,

“This is who I am. Why don’t you just kill me and get it over with? Especially since you haven’t even given me the liberty to be able to defend myself, by taking my powers,”

He sighed,

“We’re not going to kill you. Tony designed this cell to counteract abilities like yours. It’s not doing any damage to you, but you won’t be able to use them. We can’t allow you to have your powers while you’re like this,”

“Then just fucking kill me!”

He sighed again. 

“I’m going to leave you in here for the night, but we’ll be back tomorrow,”

He waved goodbye, and even gave you a small smile.

You weren’t sure why he did it, but you only glared back.

-

“I can’t do it, Clint,” Natasha said, pacing around in circles.

Clint was the only one who didn’t completely shun her and shut her out after finding out what happened. Part of him wanted to, but he knew she needed somebody. Even if it was just one person. And if that one person had to be him, then so be it.

“You don’t have to do it now, especially since she’s not… the Y/N we know. But you can’t avoid her forever.”

“She left me. For all we knew, she could’ve been dead. She made no contact, she clearly didn’t want us to find her. I thought…. I thought she was gone forever. But now HYDRA has her, and it’s my fault.”

“Nat, you can’t blame yourself for this. Her abilities are unique, so it’s not surprising that they would target her like this,”

“It is my fault. If I hadn’t… done what I did, if I hadn’t been so fucking stupid, she wouldn’t have ran off like that. She wouldn’t have been taken.”

“You’re right, you were fucking stupid. But you didn’t cause HYDRA to take her and mess with her mind. That’s on them, not you,”

She shifted her gaze to the floor as tears began to form in her eyes.

“I’ve missed her so much, Clint,” she said, her voice breaking. “I wish I could take it all back. I wish it never happened. I wish I could just hold her in my arms and never let go,”

He took a step closer to her, then wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close as she began to sob. 

Just then, Steve began to make his way back, passing the kitchen.

“Anything?” Clint asked as he walked by, still holding Natasha close as she continued to cry.

Steve gave a solemn look, then shook his head no.

When he saw the way Natasha was crying, he felt a pang of sympathy for her. Yes, she had broken the heart of one of the nicest, and overall universally liked person, but he couldn’t help but want to comfort her in this moment. She was once his friend too.

Instead, he continued to the meeting room to consult the rest of the team and inform them of your state.

-

Steve kept his promise about returning. He was only there for a few minutes before Tony Stark stood in front of your cell. 

He looked like he was about to throw up.

“So,” he began, stepping forward. “Do you know why you’re here, any of this look familiar to you?”

“God, for someone who’s supposed to be a genius, you’re really fucking stupid,”

“Look, whatever HYDRA’s told you isn’t true. They’re filling your head with lies. Both literally and figuratively.”

“Sure they are,”

“Well then why don’t you tell me what all you remember of your life before HYDRA?”

“Nothing,” you said with a shrug. “But that doesn’t mean they’re lying to me. They’re the ones who gave me my pyrokinesis, which you took from me, but the memory loss was a side effect.”

“They didn’t give you your powers, Y/N, you got them when you were a sophomore in college. Freak accident with something that wasn’t supposed to be in your chemistry class, but it ended up working out for you. You became an Avenger two years ago,”

“Don’t call me that. Don’t call me Y/N.”

“Fine then. What would you like me to call you? What name did HYDRA give you?”

“I don’t have a name. I have an identity.”

“Alright then, what’s your identity?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Cute. Alright, that’s enough for now,”

He left you. It seemed you had annoyed him enough.

No one came by for the rest of the day.

Well, that’s not entirely true. One person, who looked like he was just a kid, stopped by to slip food through the tray.

“Here you go, Miss.” 

He didn’t call you the same thing Tony and Steve did. You were grateful for it.

But as soon as his eyes met yours, they instantly filled with tears and he ran out.

You had always been well-liked among all the Avengers, but Tony began to have a soft spot for you when you became friends with Peter. You were a bit older than him, but you always acted like a big sister to him, and thought of him as your little brother. Soon enough, Tony began viewing you as a daughter figure.

He didn’t like the idea of Peter going in there with you, but he was outvoted when the kid volunteered to bring your food.

He knew he was right when he saw him running back, rubbing his shirt against his eyes to wipe away the tears.

For the next week, it became a routine. Steve and Tony would come by, and try to get you to talk, but ended up just going in circles. You were beginning to wish they actually had killed you.

But after the first week, something changed. Two women walked in. 

You recognized one of them as the redhead who used her powers on you, and the other was a taller blonde who looked vaguely familiar.

“What now?” You asked, sitting against the wall. 

Neither of them made clear eye contact. 

“You’re the one who suspended me in the air while your teammates fucking captured me,” you said, pointing at Wanda. 

“We didn’t capture you, HYDRA did,” she told you.

“That seems to be a common theme going around, and it’s getting tiring. But you know what? Go ahead, tell me more about how they’re lying to me when they’re the ones who made me into what I am today,”

“We’re not here to talk about HYDRA,” Carol said, looking up. 

“Oh? Well then by all means, do continue,”

She took a deep breath in,

“You were more than our teammate, you were our friend. So if you’re tired of us telling you that your life is a lie, we’ll tell you about your life here,”

You shrugged. You were bored. If what they said would keep you entertained, then you didn’t have a problem with it.

“I was the one who trained you with your powers. When we found you, you could hardly control them at all. You had run away from everything and everyone, trying to isolate yourself so you wouldn’t hurt anyone. The instant we saw you, we knew you were a good person. You had this look in your eyes-”

“Oh really?” You asked. “Where’s this look now?”

“Gone. Buried somewhere in your mind, along with the rest of your memories,”

You between both of them,

“Tell me why you’re really here,”

The truth was that Wanda believed she could somehow try to use her powers to get your memories back by searching through your head. She stood there, staring at you, trying to find anything that would show your old memories, but there was nothing. 

If that wouldn’t work then it couldn’t hurt if they at least attempted to tell you a little bit more about your life here.

“I was there when you controlled fire for the first time, completely on your own. You were in control. You couldn’t believe it, but all I remember is feeling so incredibly proud of you. We kept working together, and soon, I was able to call you one of my best friends.”

You could see her crying, and you began to feel for her. You weren’t sure why; she was an Avenger. An Avenger who betrayed HYDRA nonetheless, but part of you wanted to comfort her. 

“I’m sorry,” you said. You instantly regretted it. You couldn’t let them manipulate you like this.

“When I joined the team, you were the most welcoming person here. You had joined just a few weeks before me, but I could tell that everyone already loved you. It didn’t take long for me to love you too.” Carol said, her eyes filling with tears too.

They had to be lying, but you weren’t sure why part of you felt such a pull toward them. It had to be part of Wanda’s mental manipulation. That was the only explanation you could think of.

“The boy,” you began. “If what you’re saying is true, I-” you stopped yourself. “Y/N, was also close with him, right?”

“Yeah,” Wanda told you. “You and Peter become close fast. You originally bonded over TV shows you both liked, which turned into a thing for the four, and eventually five, of us to watch together,”

You still didn’t fully believe them, but if hearing about your supposed life would entertain you, then you’d keep listening.

This pattern also lasted a week. They would come in for about an hour per day, and tell you stories about your life here. 

They told you about the time Wanda decided to teach you guys how to bake. You decided that waiting for it to heat up took too much time, so you held the pan in your hands and heated it up with your powers. They ended up burning to a crisp.

They told you about the time all of Peter’s friends ended up being out of town for his school dance, so you agreed to go with him. Wanda and Carol had managed to sneak in as well, to check on the two of you but everything ended up being fine.

They told you about the time you tried to high-five Tony after a mission, and his suit registered you as a threat at first because of how you jumped up to meet him, so it ended up blasting you 20 feet. 

They told you about how you once calmed down the Hulk and turned him back into Bruce simply by smiling and waving at him. 

They told you about the time where Steve made a political comment, and you slammed your hand on the table and spent the next two hours educating him on important political topics. They said you had practically radicalized the man from the 40’s.

-

One day, neither of them came in. It was surprising, as you had actually begun to slightly enjoy their company. Slightly.

Instead, Peter came in. He looked a little less nervous than the first time, but he managed to look you in the eye.

“Y/N…” he said. 

Your stomach turned as an idea popped into your head. It was a terrible idea, and would most definitely hurt him. But it would get you out of here. It would allow you to get out, and get back to HYDRA.

“Peter!” You said, perking up in a high-pitched voice.

“Y/N?” He was confused now.

“Peter, Peter, Peter! I remember now! It’s all coming back to me! We were friends! Close friends, you were practically my brother! I remember it all!”

You strained yourself to keep your face smiling and optimistic.

He turned his head to the side, thinking about it.

It had to work. He had to believe you so he would let you out.

“Peter, I remember going with you to your dance! Your friends weren’t there, so I went with you. We ended up having a great time, especially when Wanda and Carol made an appearance too!”

He reached forward, about to open the cell when he stopped himself. 

He wanted to believe you so bad. He wanted his sister back.

“Tell me about the little boxes,” 

This had to be a code of some sort. Shit.

The Y/N they were describing seemed to be a bit clumsy, losing control of her powers and getting blasted by Tony while trying to high five him. You could picture Peter being similar to that too.

“I tripped over a bunch of tiny boxes, and then you fell right after me. We ended up laughing about it for hours,”

He sighed, looking away from you.

The truth was that little boxes were a Supergirl reference. You and Peter were both generally optimistic people, so you had confessed to each other that there was a lot of pressure with that to keep up the team’s spirits. So when you both saw Lena talk about how she uses the little boxes as her coping mechanism, you both knew it was unhealthy. 

Luckily, you came up with a healthy version. You both could keep up your optimism with the team, but you had a free pass with each other. Undoing the little boxes, if you will. 

He couldn’t bring himself to look back at you. He couldn’t believe he almost let you trick him like that. 

So he walked out without another word. 

Tony was waiting for him, and immediately pulled him in for a hug when he saw his face.

“I thought she was back for a moment,” he said. “I thought we got her back,”

Tony let out a long sigh. No one could get through to you, not even your best friends.

They only had one option left now; Natasha.

-

“You can do this, Nat,” Clint told her. 

It had been four weeks since you’d been in your cell. Over a week since anyone from the team tried talking to you. She was the only option left.

She didn’t want to do it at first, she still didn’t. 

But Clint eventually convinced her. He told her that she owed it to you to at least try. Whether it be out of her love for you, or because she hurt you, she owed it to you. 

He walked with her until they reached the door. From there, she had to go on her own.

She walked down the hall, holding her arms around herself.

She took a deep breath, then finally stepped in front of your viewpoint.

You sat with your back against the wall, eating the last bit of your lunch.

“Hey,” you said, giving a simple wave.

She tried to steady her breaths before looking directly at you.

“You were there when they took me back here,” you told her. “I remember. You were at one of the computers, and I was about to attack you and Wanda before she suspended me in the air and you guys brought me here,”

“Remember anything else?”

“No. Were you someone important? I thought they were done sending in all of Y/N’s friends,”

“We weren’t friends,”

“Oh?”

“I loved you. Part of me always will,”

“You mean to tell me that I pulled the Black Widow? Okay, now I know you guys are lying to me,”

“Peter, Wanda, and Carol were the ones who devised the big plan to get us together. They wanted to figure out a way for me to need your warmth, so you could be my personal heater. It didn’t go like that, and you accidentally burned me while we were dancing. Then I found out you liked me, and the rest is history.”

“You got with Y/N after she burned you?”

“First of all, I know you didn’t actually mean to burn me. Second of all, I had liked you for some time too. When we first met, I instantly felt this pull toward you. Your smile made me feel things I never thought I could feel. You always went out of your way to make me smile. I thought it was because you were like that with everyone; but as soon as I learned about your feelings for me, I couldn’t believe it. I called you down the next day to ask you out, and that’s when we had our first kiss,”

“Sounds great,” you said nonchalantly, knowing it hurt her. “But if you claimed to love me so much, why didn’t you look for me?”

Her breath hitched.

“Oooh, I hit a nerve there,” you said with a chuckle. “What? Did it happen in the middle of a fight or something?”

That’s when the reality of the situation hit her. Yes, she would do everything in her power to get you back, but would you still want her even when she did get you back? You were right, you had left because Natasha had broken your heart. How would she face you again once you remembered it all, once you remembered what she did to you?

So she changed the subject.

“Did the others tell you about your favorite shows?”

“They told me that we would all watch shows together, but didn’t give specifics,”

“Your favorite was Supergirl. I always thought you were a lot like the main character, Kara. You just had this sunshine in your eyes, just like her.”

“And now?”

“Well, I guess you’ll see once you get to the sixteenth episode of season one.”

“When I get to that episode? So you’re resorting to TV shows for my memory?” 

You couldn’t help but laugh, which brought her even more pain.

“I thought you wouldn’t mind the idea, I imagine it gets boring for you in here,”

“No, no, you’re right, it does. Look, if you want me to watch it, I’ll watch it, but…” you burst into laughter again. 

It was pathetic how the Black Widow was so determined to get her sweet little Y/N back. 

But, you were willing to let her try. You couldn’t wait to see it crash and burn.

-

“You really think I’m like Kara?” You asked her the next day as she came to see you. “I’m five episodes in, and she’s the most annoying character ever.”

Natasha sighed. She’d get you back eventually. 

“Look, I’m just saying that they could’ve made her more interesting. Like, she has the potential to do so much more but instead all she does is be giddy and fake quirky.”

The truth was, part of the reason you had loved Kara so much originally was because you were able to relate to her in a way because of your powers. She suppressed them for years, just as you had tried to, but eventually embraced them and became Supergirl. Even if it was fictional, it’s a big part of the reason you found the courage to learn how to use your powers and become an Avenger. And of course, you did happen to have a personality just like hers. 

Now, all you could do was roll your eyes at the character. 

A few days later, Wanda eventually came back. She had a few brownies with her. 

“What’s this for?” You asked her.

“You wanted to surprise Natasha with something sweet after she came back from a mission, but you couldn’t do it on your own. You had already made three failed batches, so you knocked on my door at 2:00 in the morning asking for help. I wanted to say no, because I was asleep and didn’t want to get up. But I saw the look on your face, and I just couldn’t say no to you. So I got up and helped you make them. They ended up turning out, and Natasha loved them.”

“And you’re giving me this because you think it’ll jog my memory?”

“Partially, but it’s also because I still care about you, Y/N. Even while you’re like this, I know my best friend is in there somewhere. I made them, and it didn’t feel right not to try at least,”

You shrugged as she slipped them through the opening to give them to you. 

You took a bite, and instantly closed your eyes at the taste.

“Oh my god, Wands, this is amazing,” you told her as soon as you swallowed.

She had the biggest smile on her face. Not because you liked the brownies, but because you called her Wands. 

You were coming back. 

-

Two weeks later, Natasha was making her daily trip to you. You smiled at her, happy almost happy to see her.

“God, Lena’s so pretty,” you said to her. “Her eyes are just perfection,”

Natasha let out a chuckle,

“Glad to see you still have an appreciation for green eyes,”

“How could I not? I really hope Kara gets with her,”

She laughed again,

“Come on, I have a surprise for you,”

“What?”

She smiled, then unlocked your cell door. You turned your head, giving her a confused look.

She stepped into your cell, holding a bracelet of some sort.

“As much as I’d like to fully trust you to take you outside of your cell, I can’t. So this replicates the energy in this room, keeping you from using your powers,”

You shrugged, then held out your arm for her to put it on. 

Once it was secure, she motioned for you to follow her. 

She led you through the compound, resisting the urge to grab your hand and interlace your fingers with hers. She knew you would come back eventually, and all she wanted to do was hold you in her arms when you did. 

“Anything look familiar?” She asked with a hopeful tone. 

You felt a pit in your stomach as you shook your head no. You gave an apologetic look, then continued following her. 

She said nothing, continuing to lead you through the compound until she opened a door, leading up to the roof. 

She gave you a smile, then turned her head toward a blanket and pillows with a basket full of food.

“What’s this for?” You asked as you sat down across from her.

“I dunno, I wanted to do something for you. You’ve been confined to that cell for so long, I figured it’d be nice to bring you up here,”

She reached into the basket, then handed you a peanut butter sandwich. 

Her smile widened as you took a bite out of it, and you couldn’t help but return her smile. 

She reached across, and placed her hand on yours. 

“I’m sorry,” she said immediately, starting to pull it back. You gripped it tighter so she wouldn’t pull back.

“It’s okay,”

You didn’t have your memories, but you knew that you and Natasha were a thing. It amazed you how the woman with a deadly reputation gave you such a soft smile. 

Holding her hand felt familiar. It felt like home. 

And you loved hated it.

“Why are you doing this, Natasha?” You asked her, rubbing small circles on the back of her hand. “Don’t tell me it’s just another effort to jog my memory,”

She looked down at your intertwined hands for a moment before meeting your eyes again.

“Because I love you,” she said honestly. “You were my everything, Y/N,”

You smiled at her again, feeling fluttery nerves build up in your stomach.

So you muttered something in Kryptonian.

“What was that?”

She pulled away, staring at you wide-eyed.

“What?” You asked, disappointed she pulled her hand away.

“You didn’t learn that from HYDRA,”

“What are you talking about?”

“What you just said to me, it’s a made up language,”

“All languages are made up,”

“No,” she rolled her eyes. “It’s Kryptonian, from Supergirl. You and Peter taught yourselves the language from online websites. You always called me that after you learned it. You’re remembering,”

She grabbed your hand once again, then leaned in closer. You reached out and grabbed her other hand, so you had both of your hands connected to hers between the two of you. 

“My beautiful sunset,” you said in English this time. 

She leaned forward even closer, inches away from closing the gap between yourselves. 

“Wait,” you told her, pulling back. “I don’t have all my memories, but I know that we were together.” She nodded for you to continue. “I also know that there was some sort of fight before HYDRA. I need to know what happened, Natasha,”

Her breath became shaky as she disconnected your hands,

“Not now,”

“No, I want to know. I need to know. Because as much as I hate it, I’m feeling something for you. But I don’t want to, especially if I don’t know what happened. So tell me,”

She took a deep breath in, then stood up.

“I think we’ve spent enough time here, let’s take you back,”

“No! Just tell me what happened!” 

“Don’t worry about it, let’s just go back.”

“Why are you being so defensive?”

“I’m not!”

“You are,”

“Y/N I told you, don’t worry about it!”

“Natasha,” you challenged. “Tell me what’s going on right now.”

“I can’t.” 

-

That was three days ago, and Natasha hadn’t come to see you since. You missed her. 

You had continued to binge your way through Supergirl, almost finishing the fifth season.

“I killed my brother for you! For our friends, don’t you understand what you’ve done?” You quoted perfectly. It didn’t surprise you at this point. You had those memories, and they would show up. But you couldn’t think about any past memories, sometimes they just showed up; like this scene and like the Kryptonian.

Your thoughts were interrupted as you looked up to see a man you hadn’t talked to before,

“Ah, the Winter Snowman,”

“Winter what now?”

You laughed, turning your body to fully face him.

“I know who you are. HYDRA’s beloved Winter Soldier. I just think Winter Snowman is funnier. So, what brings you here?”

“I haven’t talked to you yet,”

“Why’s that? Did we not like each other or something?”

“We were friends,” he told you, looking at the floor. “Once, I was up in the middle of the night because of nightmares, and you happened to be up too for whatever reason. You saw me, and made me hot chocolate. When you saw that I wasn’t exactly okay, you hugged me until my breathing evened out and I was okay. After that, it became a routine for you to make hot chocolate every time I wasn’t doing so great. Sometimes we’d sit in silence, and sometimes I’d talk to you. But you were always there. I could always trust you.”

You smiled, realizing that you really were an incredibly nice person before HYDRA. 

“So why haven’t you come to see me yet? Natasha’s been the most, except for the last few days. What’s been stopping you?”

He took a deep breath in,

“I came to apologize.”

“Apologize? What for?”

“I’m part of the reason this happened to you. I’m part of the reason you left.”

“Really? I thought that was Natasha. All I know is that something happened between her and me and she won’t tell me,”

“She did hurt you, through me if you think about it. I still hate myself for it. I’m so, so, sorry, Y/N. I don’t know what came over me, but all I know is that I would take it back if I could.”

“No. Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“I’m so sorry.”

He left as all the pain and emotion came to your chest. You could see your vision blurring as tears started to form. 

“No,” you said softly, falling to your knees. 

Your breathing got heavier as you practically crawled to the glass.

“Get me Natasha!” You cried, banging your fists against the wall. “I want Natasha here!”

Tears began to stream down your face as you continued banging. You weren’t sure how long it was like that, but she eventually came running. 

F.R.I.D.A.Y. had alerted her that you were in distress and calling for you. She assumed you had somehow gotten hurt, especially since you were huddled on the floor.

She opened the door without hesitation and sat down next to you.

“I’m here,” she said gently.

“Tell me it’s not true,” you said, your voice breaking.

Her heart dropped.

“Tell me you didn’t make me think what we had was real, just for you to cheat on me with Bucky. Tell me you didn’t make me fall in love with you for it to be fake.”

“It wasn’t fake, Y/N. I did love you! I still do.”

You scooted away from her.

“Stop lying. Just tell me the truth; did you or did you not cheat on me with Bucky?”

She let out a few shaky breaths, feeling her own tears form.

“I did.” You let out a sob at her words. “I did and I regret it more than anything. I don’t know what came over me. All I know is that I want you and I wish I never did it,”

You let out a few more sobs as you cried harder. 

Out of instinct, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around you as you sobbed into her chest.

“No.” You told her. “Get away from me. I don’t want comfort from the person who’s the reason for my pain.”

She nodded, wiping her own tears away.

“Y/N, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I’ll never forgive myself for it, but I still love you so much. You’re everything to me,”

You stood up, your harsh glare meeting her once again.

“You were right, Natasha,” you said to her. “I am like Kara. Because just like her, I gave my heart to a lying jackass. Get out and get away from me.”

You weren’t sure why it hurt so bad. You hardly had any of your memories together. But part of you knew that you loved her. Part of your mind never stopped loving her, even while you couldn’t remember her. 

Sobs escaped your body as you held your knees to your chest. Natasha hated seeing you like this. She hated it even more so because she was the reason for it. 

She wanted nothing more than to comfort you and hold you until you felt better. But she knew she couldn’t.

As she took a step toward the door, she glanced at you one last time, wondering if she truly lost you forever.

-

Carol came by to see you after she saw both Natasha and Bucky sulking. 

Like Natasha, she had no problem entering the cell and sitting by you. Steve had advised everyone to keep a safe distance from you as your memories were still primarily HYDRA. He wanted you to fully come back just as much as everyone else did, but he couldn’t risk the safety of the team. 

But as soon as she saw your red eyes and tear-struck cheeks, she could give two shits about Steve’s warning.

She sat down next to you on the bed, gently putting a hand on your back to let you know that she was there.

You practically jumped into her arms, allowing yourself to cry once more as you clung onto her. 

You sobbed into her chest for a few minutes as she slowly stroked your back. 

“Sorry,” you muttered, pulling away from her. “I think I might’ve ruined your shirt,”

She gave a soft laugh, then wrapped an arm around you. 

“Don’t worry about it,”

“Why’d she put so much effort into getting my memories back if she knew I would find out and get hurt all over again?” 

Carol sighed, gently squeezing your shoulder. 

“I think part of her hoped, and is still hoping, that you’d forgive her,”

You scoffed,

“Once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if I remember everything, I’m not getting back with her. God, no wonder I left in the first place,”

“We were all worried about you, y’know. You left without a word. Tony tracked your phone, and found it shattered on the street a few blocks from here. We thought it meant you didn’t want to be found.” She told you. “If we knew you had been taken by HYDRA, we never would’ve stopped looking,”

“What happened while I was gone?”

“We all knew it had something to do with Natasha. She always acted like she was fine, but her eyes were constantly red and puffy. We also heard crying from her bedroom. A week or so later, she blew up at Bucky in front of everyone, so we all found out,”

“What happened then?”

“We hated them for it. We wanted nothing to do with them. I glared at Natasha any chance I got. How could she do that to you? I lost my best friend because of her,”

You let out a sniffle, then looked up at her to see that she had started crying too.

“I’m sorry for leaving you,” you said, hugging her once again. “I don’t clearly remember it, I have bits and pieces. But I should’ve at least talked to you guys instead of leaving like that,”

“It’s okay. You’re here now, and I’m not giving up on you.”

-

A week later, to your own surprise, you had called for Natasha again. 

Both Wanda and Peter had made individual visits to you. You were grateful for them as they hugged you tight. 

Wanda had suggested that you talk to her one last time to get some closure. She also said that it could help with your memory.

You were reluctant to the idea at first, but eventually agreed as you realized that the memory process was getting you nowhere at this point.

So you stood by the glass, waiting. 

When she arrived, she almost couldn’t believe that you wanted her there. She thought that maybe you just wanted to scream at her, but then she saw your calm and collected face.

“I only called you here ‘cause Wanda thinks getting some closure could help with the memories,” you explained right away. You didn’t want her thinking that you had forgiven her.

She nodded, biting her tongue to prevent herself from crying. 

You pointed to the door, indicating that you wanted her to come in. 

She nodded again, opening it and standing a few feet away from you, arms crossed. 

“I just need some answers,”

“Okay,”

You inhaled deeply, closing your eyes. You balled your fists, feeling your nails against your palms.

“Why did you do it?”

“I wish I knew.”

“Oh come on, you have to at least give me more than that,”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but I genuinely don’t know why I did it.”

“Then tell me how it happened,”

“Are you sure? You said that this could be helpful for your memories, but I don’t want this to cause you any more pain than you already have,”

“I’m sure. Just tell me,”

“Alright,” she let out a slow breath. “You were on your way back from a mission. I had been missing you, so I was staying up late so I could see you as soon as you landed.” Her voice began to shake, but you motioned for her to continue. “While I was waiting, I assumed I was the only one up. So I decided to pour myself a drink, since there was still about an hour and a half before you’d get back. Bucky ended up coming down a few minutes later, so I poured him a drink too.”

“Really? You’re using the drinking excuse?”

She didn’t reply to you, but continued anyway.

“Something didn’t feel right, physically. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I ignored it and instead focused on how I would be seeing you soon. After around 30 minutes, something really felt off. I was about to get up and try to do something about it, but he got up at the same time. One minute we were just standing there, the next we were kissing. I wasn’t sure what had come over me. I didn’t know why I was doing it, but I didn’t stop. After it happened, I felt sick about it; literally. My eyes had turned red, and I just felt so nauseous-”

“I remember that,” you interrupted her. “I remember you had red eyes and weren’t feeling good. I thought you had gotten a cold, so I took time off training to stay with you. Of course, it was just you feeling guilty about being a cheater,”

“I couldn’t face what I had done-”

You interrupted her again,

“Wait a minute, you said you had red eyes and something felt wrong while you were with Bucky, right?” You said, she nodded in response. “Did the drink taste normal?”

She shook her head no,

“It didn’t, but I didn’t really focus on that. I was busy thinking about seeing you again,”

“Who all has access to the drinks?” You asked, your heart rate quickening.

“What are you talking about?”

“Just, take me to the security room and let’s look at the tapes for around that time, but a bit before,”

She wasn’t sure where you were going with this, but she opened the door anyway.

“You’re not gonna restrain my powers?” You asked as you had made it around halfway down the hall.

She shrugged,

“I don’t think you’re gonna hurt me or anyone here,”

You returned her shrug, then walked ahead of her until you reached the security room.

Once you arrived, you smiled, realizing that you had made it there on your own from your memories of this place. 

You sat down in front of a computer, and began typing away at the security tapes. 

“There’s a missing one, a few hours before,”

She turned her head in confusion.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.” she said, “Do everything you can to retrieve this file,”

“Right away, Miss Romanoff,”

“If I’m right then…” you began, but didn’t finish. You didn’t want to get your hopes up. 

A few minutes later, F.R.I.D.A.Y. found the deleted file.

You pressed play, showing what had happened that day.

The HYDRA agent had memorized everyone’s schedule. The majority of the most powerful Avengers were currently on a mission, and the others were training; so this was the window.

He had hotwired a car Tony had left at a bar parking lot, when he was too drunk to drive and had to be taken home by a taxi, and then forgetting about the car altogether.

The agent used this to pull in without security questioning it. 

He made his way to the back of the building, then spotted a slightly cracked window. He used that as his opportunity, reaching his hands under to fully open it up. 

Once he climbed in, he then went to the kitchen. 

Due to training schedules and timing, it was likely that no one would be drinking tonight except for the target. 

So he took the bottle, opened it, then sprinkled a powder into it. 

He then closed it, and put it back where he left it before leaving the room and coming to erase his tracks.

“HYDRA’s told us about that powder before and the effects of it, it makes you susceptible to suggestion. They’ve modified it so they can give specific commands just from taking it.”

“So what does that mean,”

“They knew we were together, they knew I had powers. They knew I’d be devastated if you cheated, and hoped that maybe I’d leave.” You started, staring at her with a mixed expression. “It’s starting to come back to me, the fire alarms had gone off that night. That was their signal that it had worked, and I was hurt. They took that to their advantage, and found me in my devastated state and took me.”

“What are you saying, Y/N?”

You smiled. It was the same smile you used to give her before everything happened. You took a step toward her and cupped her cheeks.

“You didn’t cheat.”

-

Your moment was short lived as you instantly fell to your knees, hands around your head.

Everything was coming back to you now.

“It’s pathetic, and never gonna happen!” 

“Oh come on, you guys aren’t gonna actually freeze the room, right?”

“Oh my gosh, um- it’s not what it sounds like! I promise, it’s-”

“You should watch Supergirl with me,”

“Can you not go easy on your girlfriend during training?”

“Of course I’ll be your personal heater,”

“Natasha… I love you. I really do. It’s okay if you don’t wanna say it back, but I thought you should know.”

“My beautiful sunset,”

“You’re my home,”

“Natty,” it was the first time using that nickname since you’d been back here. “Natty, I remember everything now,”

She bent down to you, running a hand through your hair.

To say she was relieved was an understatement; she had just found out that the biggest mistake of her life wasn’t even her fault, that she didn’t betray you like she thought she had. And, the love of her life had finally completely come back to her.

You instantly began crying, leaning your forehead against hers, wrapping your arms around her neck.

Without thinking, you crashed your lips onto hers. It wasn’t a pretty kiss by any means; it was desperate, and wet with tears. But neither of you seemed to care.

“I love you so much,” you said between kisses. “I’m so sorry for everything I said to you.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know, no one did,” she wrapped her arms even tighter. “I love you too.”

If either of you had been thinking straight, you would have alerted the team that you had gotten your memories back and didn’t need to be locked up anymore. 

But you weren’t. All that was on either of your minds was making up for lost time. 

She picked you up effortlessly, holding you tight. You wrapped your legs around her waist, keeping your lips on her skin. 

She carried you all the way back to her (and now yours once again) room. 

Once she set you on the bed, she reconnected your lips in a messy but meaningful kiss. 

She crawled on top of you, planting kisses everywhere. 

“I love you,” you told her again.

“And I love you,”

And those were all the words either of you needed right now as you continued showing each other just how much you loved and missed one another.

-

Hours later, you lay on the bed completely wrapped around her. Your face was buried in her neck as your limbs tangled with each other.

You both shot straight up at a knock to her door. 

“Natasha,” came the voice of Steve. “Y/N’s missing.”

“About that…” she said. “There’s a lot I need to tell you guys.”

She hopped off the bed, keeping her hand connected with yours. 

You met Steve’s worried eyes when she opened the door, tightening your grip on Natasha. 

The conversation with the team ended up going well. Everyone apologized for how they had been toward Natasha and Bucky after learning that it wasn’t their fault. 

And of course, they were ecstatic that you were back.

Carol, Wanda and Peter, ran toward you and all tried to hug you at once, resulting in a dog pile. Eventually, everyone else joined too, only making the pile bigger. 

You met Bucky’s eyes, and gave him a smile. He seemed relieved, then smiled back at you. 

The rest of the day, everyone continued making sure you were okay, and Tony had already started a plan for finding that HYDRA agent. 

Bruce wanted to do a checkup, which you agreed to. Natasha held your hand the entire time, which made it a lot harder for him to do what he needed to. Despite this, he couldn’t bring himself to tell her to stop. You had both suffered so much these past few months, so if you wanted to hold hands right now, then so be it.

“Y’know,” Natasha began, pulling you into her lap. “We haven’t had a proper date in so long. Obviously it’s too late to go anywhere, but we can have a night in and watch last week's episode of Supergirl if you’d like. I haven’t watched it since the last time, and I really have missed my favorite blanket. So, what do you think?”

You turned around, kissing her instantly. It was a long, deep, needed kiss. You couldn’t get enough of each other now that you were back.

Once you pulled apart for air, she smirked at you.

“So I’ll take that as a yes, then?”

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x fem reader #natasha romanoff x fem!reader #natasha romanoff fluff #natasha romanoff angst #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x yn #black widow #black widow x reader #black widow x fem reader #natalia alianovna romanova

[intrulogical]

no but i'm still hung up on logan and remus' exchange in wtit.

because firstly, it's implied that remus is mad at logan sabotaging his plan. specifically, he's mad because remus feels like logan was merely trying to brush remus's contributions off.

[Remus]: You're going to pretend that I don't exist, so I'll pretend you don't exist.

secondly, it showcases that logan admits to thomas' negligence.

[Logan]: […] but perhaps you could also see the merit in what I'm trying to do. Trust me, what I'm implementing is and has been necessary for a long time, and it's not every day that Thomas... is interested in carrying out this sort of thing.

and then there's the whole dubious—

[Logan]: Stop… IGNORING ME!

[Remus]: Hoo-ee, Logan. Now you're speaking my language. But who do you really want to scream that at?

the “speaking my language” part could have two meanings, especially since the second half of remus' statement includes him responding more towards the meaning behind logan's statement rather than the eyes.

of course, we gotta dissect the more obvious aspect of remus being enticed by logan's anger. i fully believe the only reason he felt intrigued was because logan is exhibiting behaviors similar to the dark sides. now let me explain— i've spoken this in other metas, but i interpret the “dark sides” to embody facets of thomas that he tends to repress/ignore, while the “light sides” are obviously the opposite. this is why the dark sides develop more malicious-seeming traits. it kind of reminds me of how our body likes to draw attention to a certain problem within the body by making different parts of the body ache. in the context of the dark sides, they look scary and mischievous (even if they aren't bad people) so that thomas can pay attention to them. do you ever think, if janus didn't shapeshift or argue against patton, or if remus didn't attack roman, how else would thomas have listened to them, especially considering that thomas thinks lowly of their functions?

in a way, remus was excited because he sees those malicious-seeming behaviors emerge from logan. logan, if ignored enough, could resort to grander ways of gaining thomas' attention, even if it is hurtful. being nice didn't work on logan's behalf, so of course, he would have to rely on something else. in that sense, he is becoming similar to my definition of a dark side— i wouldn't be surprised if he and janus switch places because janus is gaining more recognition.

the second meaning i can derive from remus' statement is that there's something quite intriguing about how remus can immediately recognize when a side is being dismissed and ignored by thomas. he was able to recognize logan's frustrations immediately, faster than any other side could. i'm not gonna jump the gun and immediately say that he's logan's prince charming because he's not, but rather, the way remus understands logan completely kind of speaks volumes with his own experience with thomas. think about it— the constantly dismissed recognize those who are dealing with the same treatment. even remus himself was mad at logan earlier for sabotaging his plan to get thomas' attention.

but where does that take these two? well, in a way, this information is leverage against logan. not in a sense that remus would blackmail him, but in a way that remus is the only one with the confidence and perceptiveness to dig into logan's vulnerability. there are pros and cons when it comes to this. obviously, the pro is that pushing logan to his limits may allow him to actually express his emotions for once, but the con is, we don't know to what extent. will remus just allow logan to feel, or will he allow logan to completely overwhelm himself with anger, slowly bringing him into the dark side?

if you want proper visualization of this, i would compare their possible future dynamic with jasper and steven from steven universe future wherein steven asks jasper to train him. while steven became better at combat, overwhelmed with power, he accidentally severely hurts jasper. while jasper admires steven's newfound power, steven becomes absolutely terrified of himself, his mental state deteriorating more as the episodes pass.

does this make remus bad? not necessarily— it's just what he's used to. more than anything, no side is a bad or good person. the point of sanders sides is to BREAK black and white thinking when it comes to human complexity and morality. the two resorting to the worst possible strategy just shows how people can do the worst of things when they have nothing that works, even if it hurts others and/or themselves.

but anyway, i hope sanders sides pursues with this kind of combative, catty relationship between remus and logan. in a way where they constantly argue and battle for thomas' attention that they gradually begin enabling each other to use the worst and most harmful strategies to get thomas to notice them. for logan's arc, it can serve as a good exploration of what logan can be when he's at his limit. if logic is absolutely tossed away, of COURSE he'd be a ball of anger. for remus, i want them to explore how he became that way, going into detail about nature vs nurture.

#logan sanders #remus sanders #sanders sides #intrulogical #kind of #thomas sanders #meta #sanders sides theory #long post

[mettywiththenotes]

Your Normal And My Different

I need to talk about Aoyama

Throughout 336 to 338, there is so much evidence about Aoyama being hard on himself. So hard, in fact, that even when he is told otherwise or given an explanation as to how it’s not his fault, he can’t see himself as anything other than a villain

From outright admitting it

To his father saying “It wasn’t Yuuga’s fault” and him still being stuck on how he hurt everyone

Saying it again, even after his father explained that it was the parents fault

To not being able to understand why everyone was fighting for him

He’s been given an explanation, his parents have already explained that it wasn’t his fault, that they stupidly went to AFO on their own terms

But even so, Aoyama still continues to think of himself as a Villain

And, if we analyze body language too (something that has not been said outright but only what I think could mean)

His smile here while he confesses everything suggests a sort of “Now you know the truth, now you know what I really am”

The way his eyes are shaded, the hopeless look on his face, suggests “This is it, it’s all over for me”

Fear. This looks like straight up fear

A bit of a stretch, but the way he looks here tells me it’s kind of like “This is a given. Of course they’d do this to me”

The way Kirishima speaks, plus the background of lines showing intensity, I think this kind of expression maybe shows Aoyama thinking “Why are you still trying? Why aren’t you throwing me in prison? Why are you fighting for me?”. He looks frustrated that they keep pressing

“Stop trying. It may already be over for me.”

Tho this body language analysis isn’t set in stone, it’s only my interpretation, so please keep that in mind. But there is no arguing with how he outright continues to think of and talk about himself as a Villain

It’s as if Aoyama, as soon as he began to attend UA (maybe as it got to the middle of the first year), has thought of himself as a Villain. That as soon as he saw the damage he’d done with AFO, he couldn’t help but feel more and more guilty until it began bubbling to the surface, until he could no longer hold back

Do you know what this behavior reminds me of?

Toga

Of course, things don’t directly connect. Aoyama didn’t murder anybody. But already, I can draw a few parallels

For one, the smile. Toga put a mask over her face to show she was normal, that things were okay, that she could be like everyone else. And Aoyama has had a smile over his face this entire time

This constant smile was almost like a mask. I’m sure, at some points, it was real. But there were definitely times where it had to have been there to show he was okay, that he was like everybody else, that he was a normal kid like the rest of the Heroes in training

Second, the suppression. Toga was taught to suppress her urges, to be normal like everybody else, because she was “scary” and had a “creepy smile”. It’s because of these attributes that she was seen as a problem, to her parents but also to the counselling service. She was even described as a demon child, even though she couldn’t help how she was

Of course, this is not to the same extent as Aoyama, but I think the one thing that is remotely closest to Demon Child is “UA Traitor”. Hagakure has called him the traitor even after hearing him cry about what he has to do

He’s been called this, but he isn’t actually a traitor. Or at least, not a full traitor. He did betray his friends, but I think he could also be classed as a hostage. Gun to his head, “do this now or your parents will die”; a hostage. It’s yet to be seen if anybody else will continue to call him/refer to him as just a traitor (though I hope not), but if anybody does, it’ll be interesting

Third, forced to conform because of parents. There’s a lot of things that made Toga put on her mask, but I think the source of it came from her parents. I mean, they were the first people to look at her indulging in her urges and think “wtf is wrong with her” and say this outright. To yell at her to be normal, to set her up for counselling, that had to be where it stemmed from. A sort of obligation to put on a mask and be like everybody else

And with Aoyama, his parents were so worried about him being quirkless and different that they chased a rumor just so he could be like everyone else. To bridge that gap even the tiniest bit so he wouldn’t have any difficulties in life. They basically sent the signal that in order to be treated equally, in order to be accepted, he had to conform

What is alarming is the reiteration of this single phrase

First mentioned when Aoyama himself says it as a little boy who got beat up (shaded background, a memory), to a clear white background (said like a truth, like he still thinks this is the case. and for him, it is)

That kind of reiteration is also present in Toga’s past, and even in MVA, when she is told to be normal and that she should want to be

What’s interesting as well is that even the words “normal” and “different” are contrasted, but still paralleled with the effect they have had on Aoyama and Toga

And finally, a fear of being caught

There’s a reason Toga ran as soon as she attacked that boy in school. It’s because of the Hero saturated society, because of the insistence of “if you’re different, if you’ve done wrong, even if you didn’t mean to, you are a villain and you will be condemned as one” that she ran away as soon as she could

“Day after day, the police and Heroes came after me (...) I learned that the world treats high school girls just a little bit kinder.”

She herself is a high school girl on the run. The way Toga phrases this here, you’d think the simple fact that she is a high school girl would protect her a bit. But she learned that she had to dress like one, that she had to act like one, that she had to act like a normal high school girl in order to be free another day

All so she didn’t get caught

As soon as she decided to attack that boy, it was all over and she knew it. So she ran and ran, because she knew she’d be condemned. She knew they wouldn’t treat her fairly

And with Aoyama, he too had to pretend to be normal in order to avoid suspicion. You can see that, throughout these chapters, he is just scared

There’s a sort of unspoken text here. Because what Aoyama was told was to “not tell anyone” about what was going on. He had no idea that his parents would be killed until this day when they told him

Before, he could have chosen to still go to the police. He could have been riddled with guilt after Kamino, when he thought AFO would stay in prison forever

So why didn’t he? It’s obvious that he didn’t want to upset his friends, that he didn’t want to disobey his parents. But let’s say that he was way too guilty to obey his parents anymore. Let’s say that he wanted to be truthful about everything. He would have had every option to go to the police and tell them what happened

So why didn’t he?

I think he was scared. Scared of his involvement with a Villain. Scared that he kept this going for so long, even though he had no choice. Scared that he could be condemned

There’s already so much subtext of “if you’re different, if you’ve done wrong, even if you didn’t mean to, you are a villain and you will be condemned as one” that Aoyama would have caught onto. Even if it wasn’t about the Different thing, everybody knows that if you’ve done something wrong and have been caught, you’re basically classed as a criminal or a Villain. And we all know the steep slope from criminal to Villain if you have no support. I bet Aoyama thought he’d have no support at all if he was caught (which is evidenced by how he’s in disbelief that 1A still want to help him)

Maybe, somewhere along the line, he began to think that he really was a Villain because he was scared to admit what he’d done, that he’d indirectly hurt the people he loved

And I think that fear is clear throughout these past chapters

Another thing is acceptance. While he is still scared, there is also an element that he knew what was going to happen, that he knew how he’d be treated

(he says this very normally, not yet at the point where his speech bubbles are shaky. its like he’s thought about himself like this before, the fact that he’s admitting it calmly as well says a lot)

And yet he still looks empty inside, despite the knowledge of what would/could happen

Actually, maybe it isn’t that Aoyama was first scared of how society would treat him, but more that he was scared of how his class/friends would treat him. But him being scared of how he would be treated by society is dependent on how the class reacts. Sort of a cause-and-effect kind of thing, where depending on how the class reacts, it could mean the same for how society reacts. If the class looked at him and yelled at him angrily, in a way condemning him, he probably would have looked a little more scared etc (if that makes sense)

Lastly, I want to talk about how Aoyama’s arc poses the same question Toga has

Toga is someone who couldn’t help the urges that are tied to her quirk. It’s something that she was born with, and society (namely her parents) taught her to fear being different

For her, being normal became something she despised

But for Aoyama, being different became something he despised

On this spectrum, between “normal” and “different”, lies the question “What does Hero Society want when our normal or different are wrong? Where do they draw the line? If I tried to be myself, would they kill me too?”

Aoyama’s normal is a scared little boy afraid to be different, so he wants to be normal like everybody else. But Toga’s difference is a little girl who hates being normal, who wants to be accepted and loved for who she is because of that difference

Where do they draw the line? It’s not to say Aoyama won’t be saved, but he’s not exactly being treated well. You could say that Tsukauchi is just taking precautions, but even so, it’s a lot to go through for a child like Aoyama

Especially when you look at it as fear, because Aoyama would have seen Twice’s footage. A Villain, trying to help his friends, trying to protect his loved ones, and being killed just like that. When you look at all of that (internalize that Villains will be killed for opposing Heroes), then you get caught, tied up and muzzled? I’d be scared. I’d be terrified, even if I knew I wasn’t at fault

And we know Toga’s fear of being caught, of what they will do to her. We know, even more so after Twice, that that fear must have increased a lot inside her

“If I tried to be myself”... If Aoyama tried to be himself, lets say, express his deep apologies, cry that he just wanted to be accepted and loved, that he was a quirkless boy in a quirk-filled world who got bullied and hurt emotionally and physically for simply being born - would they still kill him? Given the chance?

I think it’s a little hard to say. Given the fact that while he has betrayed everyone, he is still a Hero with a license, even if provisional. He still has the privilege of connections, not just with his rich parents but with his classmates as well who would probably die before letting anything bad happen to him. The teaching staff, too, who have All Might (a guy with connections) and Aizawa backing his corner. It’s easy to look at that and think that he’ll be spared

But when we look at the dialogue in 337, Aoyama mentions feeling sorry, but he mentions the classmates and his regrets with the news about Izuku more. If anything, the innocent people who could have died are mentioned so briefly that, I guess, there’s a way in which that could be spun by the media/people to make Aoyama look bad

Personally, I think Aoyama will be spared (if not from prison time then at least death), but who knows what could happen

When we look at Toga, she already is herself. And “herself” is giving into her urges of drinking blood, of stealing identities, of stabbing and killing. She’s already been chased down repeatedly for doing these things. Which means, without a doubt, yes. I think, given the chance, a Hero would kill her. That’s if Ochako and/or others don’t intervene though

One more similarity between them is that, despite this whole Normal vs Different thing that's been outlined, they just want to be loved. Behind that fear of being too different or being too normal, they both, more than anything, just want support, understanding and acceptance

On the whole, I find it very interesting that similarities can be found in Toga and Aoyama, especially because they are so young (with Aoyama being the youngest) and have done wrong. Obviously there are differences in their characters, especially in what they have done wrong from a narrative point of view, but I still think it’s worth noting for the future of the series if Aoyama’s guilt is touched on again. There may even be more parallels revealed! And I’ll look forward to that

Thank you for reading this very long analysis

And now, I want to share some panels that I think are interesting between Toga and Aoyama

You without the mask

Similar looking boys who chipped their masks

Smiling when they show who they really are

“Mama and Papa” (a little different but, I don’t think we’ve heard any other characters who refer to their parents similarly? Idk)

I want to be like

Outside help that no doubt caused some trauma (though this is more of a theory on Toga’s side. Personally, I see red flags with that counselling service)

#sorry this is a little bleh and messy #but uh #aoyama and toga huh #god please somebody help aoyama #and toga too #i hope this makes sense #i'll probably edit it at some point to make sense #but here #*throws this at you and walks away* #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha 338 #bnha manga spoilers #bnha spoilers #aoyama yuuga #toga himiko #also i'm sorry this is a little jumbled #mettys posts #metty posts

[potteresque-ire]

Commentary ~ Little Red Little Green Episode 18, “Fruits & Found Family”

Link to original post in Chinese, posted 2021/05/23. Link to official English translation.

(Disclaimer / Notes + Commentary under the cut!) (TW: possible eating disorder)

Disclaimer / Notes:

While the posts by Little Red Little Green (LRLG) are among my most favourite candies, I’d like to remind everyone that they are fake rumours, and should be read and enjoyed as such. ie, all CPN below!

The English translation linked above is the only one authorised by the Fake Rumour House; therefore, please treat all content below as a very casual, very *unofficial* convo between fellow turtle friends! ❤️💛💚

With Chinese being a highly region-specific language, my reactions to it is necessarily filtered through my background, which is, admittedly, somewhat removed from Gg’s, Dd’s and LRLG’s. However, it is not uncommon for even c-turtles (and several times, LRLG themselves) to be lost with what they read / heard due to regional differences ~ which reflects the reality of communicating in the Sinosphere. In fact, the regionality of the dialects used by different “characters” in LRLG’s dialogues is among the most critical elements that make these posts so authentic-sounding, and so difficult to replicate. A fun activity of following LRLG is to watch c-turtles patch their regional knowledge together, from local slangs to food choices, to make sense of what’s going on. 

Okay, with that all said *phew* ... onto the commentary! “p. X” refers to the panel number in the official English translation (there are 7 total in the Twitter post). 

p1. “Fairy”

Likely referring to the similarity between Gg’s current role for 玉骨遥 (The Longest Promise) and LWJ. Dd was praising Gg for being “fairy-like”; Chinese “fairies” (仙) have a certain style especially in visual media, similar to ... LWJ’s ~ otherworldly, white robes that billow in the wind, peaceful to the point of distant, scholarly, delicate. In between the lines, Gg likely said he was simply playing LWJ (hence, the ”act another me” in the translation), which Dd protested... and said Gg was simply playing himself. Whether that means DD IS NOT LWJ!!!!! 😡😡😡 or something else, we’ll know what we get to watch the show!

p1-p2. “Heat”

Yes about the Chang’e 嫦娥 reference!! Despite Houyi 后羿 shooting down 9/10 suns and saving the day, his wife is, indeed, more famous (and therefore the star, the more powerful one), because she’s frequently featured in Mid-Autumn festival art, along with her pet rabbit 玉兔 (”Jade Rabbit”),:

(Chang’e with her bunny, traditional Chinese painting. Source.)

Below is Gg’s rendition of Chang’e / Jade Bunny pair ~ Chang’e being the superman in the drawing while Jade Bunny is crouching on the planet!! 

Guess of the missing convo from Gg’s side: Gg had wanted to bring something to Hengdian (where the filming of The Longest Promise was taking place) to cool himself down, and Dd had said it wasn’t necessarily. Hence Dd’s “My bad my bad” and the promise to send that something to Gg.

The loveliest line in this segment for me—and for many c-turtles— is the one about white hair. Turning grey a common, but very old-fashioned way of expressing worry and poor Dd, who hasn’t even turned 24, is claiming he was turning white because he got so worried every time Gg complained about the heat (Aww). 

Turning grey with worry isn’t limited to romantic situations — it may happen to doting parents with wayward children, for example, or to ancient patriots over their crumbling kingdom. However, it’s also one of the more (very!) dramatic ways to communicate tragic love in Chinese fiction before Western influence allows “love”, as a term / word / character, to be used explicitly in writing romance. 

Here’s a little example, a little diversion that may be of interest. Those who are familiar with the Wuxia classic Return of the Condor Heroes 神雕俠侶 by Jin Yong 金庸, whether it’s the book or its numerous visual adaptations, may remember how the hero, Yang Guo 楊過, went white at his temples overnight after his Shifu and lover, Xiao Long Nv (小龍女), didn’t show up at the cliff at the end of his 16-year wait for her.  

Set photo from a TV adaption of Return of the Condor Heroes, 1995. Turtles may find the actress playing the perenially white-wearing, calm-to-the point-of-aloof Xiao Long Nv, Carmen Li 李若彤, familiar ~ she also played Lan Yi in The Untamed. 

The 16-year wait, the invitation to Carmen to play Lan Zhan’s ancestor (when the two shared similarities in aesthetics and personality), were two of the three references from Return of the Condor Heroes I picked up from The Untamed (the last one was more specific—WWX mentioned Yang Guo’s master 獨孤求敗). This tribute is unconfirmed, but MXTX did say before that Jin Yong’s works were her inspiration. I also read a (small) discussion on whether LWJ’s hair carried a few pieces of white in the final episode, or if the lighter strands in it were a trick of the sunlight. (Here’s a screenshot of the approximate place to look!!) 

While I lean towards the latter (the sunlight), turning white with worry, with love, is a tradition in Chinese storytelling. Here’s a little something I’ve noticed too, on this note ~ both in the actual interviews and in these fake rumours, Dd’s word choices, the way he conveys emotions are sometimes surprisingly traditional. It can be because of his background (which would require a study of how Luo Yang people and Koreans talk); it can be because the traditional way of talking allows for fewer words to be said, fewer things to have to be explicitly explained (example: LWJ), but the effect is that Dd has supplied the most romantic lines in LRLG’s posts because of that ~ romantic because it harks back to the rhythm, the themes of old poetry, of ancient stories that, as were true everywhere in the world, were about love. 

Okay, back to the rumour (and hoping Dd won’t look like Bad Wig Yang Guo in a few more summers!) ....

The line after the one about white hair ... the way I understand the original Chinese sentence is “Heat is The Reason”: ie, anything Dd wants Gg to do and Gg disagrees, Gg would use heat as The Reason (R) to not do it. This anything may be eating, for example, which also has a strong possibility as conventional Chinese wisdom says that heat causes people to lose appetite. Dd’s worry would therefore be: Gg refusing to eat because he claims it’s too hot to do so.

“Corny joke” ~ the Chinese for this is, literally, “cold 冷 joke 笑話”, which becomes a pun as the gzry (team members)’s joke was about the (cold) winter and black hair. So... Dd threw a corny joke to combat a corny joke :D .

p3. “Apple”

The first half I also had to rely on c-turtles to help me interpret what it meant! Regional dialects aside, LRLG has captured dls’s very quick wit, the way his ideas freely hop from one concept to the next and this hopping carries traditional + popular cultural references that I know only a fraction of, not being a local after all. 

I’ve read an additional interpretation of this segment: “big fruit” 大果兒 (as in dls: “Those are all big fruits, all big fruits”) is a Northern Chinese, traditional slang for women—dls might have connected that with the previous line in the convo about being Guowang, as explained in the translation, and “big and juicy” + “touch to feel” being suggestive phrases. Then, given the rare usage of the big fruit = women slang, dls expressed surprise that Dd understood what he meant, went on to say he expected Gg to know it (implying Gg could’ve taught Dd the meaning) ... 

Which led to the entertaining part of this segment. Dd was like “You guys (= Gg + dls) talked?” Dls appeared to have thought of the scenario customarily inviting this question (scenario: someone on the verge of catching their spouse cheating) and began playacting that scenario, started to stammer ... as if he had just been got caught trying to chat up someone’s spouse  ~  ”I-I-I....how to say it ...”. Dd caught on dls’s playacting and went along, continued with the “accusation”: “You’re stammering”. Dls then noted that Dd��s accusation was scary and Dd smiled, ending the playact ~ so, ah, readers, never mess with Dd’s spouse!! Dd gets scary!! 

(BTW: ”nijia na kouzi” 你家那口子 was explained in the translation for a reason ~ It’s a warm, friendly term for a dear friend’s spouse. 😊)

p4. Lychees

Lychees. Has everyone tried them? It’s important not to over-eat them though...

In which the “Feeding Gg” saga continues! This segment is one of those that are wonderful for fic writers who wish to capture Gg and Dd in words. Gg, like many brought up in traditional families, has trouble saying “no” outright, which is often considered rude. As such, he resorted to delay tactics, something he had also done with the fried noodles in The Makeup Room BTS. 

In the BTS, his delay tactics had been to argue that Dd hadn’t eaten his box of noodles and therefore, he couldn’t start (~2:35 mark)—as proper manners indeed dictated. In this dialogue, his delay tactics was to say he’d eat the lychees later, that the lychees would make him too full for the proper meal (rice). 

A cute thing about this convo is that rather than pouting and grumbling his only being LWJ’s replacement (as he had hilariously done in the BTS), Dd had, apparently over the last three years, become an expert on countering such delay tactics. He peeled the lychees, which not only removed a major obstacle for eating, but also set a timer as peeled lychees get dry quickly (and Gg, despite being a picky eater, didn’t seem to like to waste food). He said the fruit could make appetiser. He got the help of their team members, who assured Gg that two lychees would be all right.

Gg’s response to the assurance... takes a little time to explain. 

The original Chinese line for “Great, great, you’re so awesome” was 絕了絕了你們絕了。 “絕了”, a popular phrase used by Chinese netizens, was repeated three times.

絕, literally, means the extreme, the absolute, the end. 絕了 means pretty much the same ~ a thing that is 絕了 is standing en pointe at the edge of the cliff that is The Absolute End of a spectrum. It is the Ultimate. It can't be surpassed. It’s unbeatable. 

絕了 is usually used in a positive sense, as in the English translation, with the positive being implied. If I say the LWJ photo above is 絕了, for example, I don’t need to specify that the extreme in 絕 stands on the good end. It’s understood given the audience of this post are mostly turtles (HELLO *waves*). We’re all heart-eyes here. We agree, without saying, that this photo is The Top, The Pinnacle; it can’t be better. 絕了 is higher praise than Excellent; it’s so good that there are no adjectives for it. Its own presence defines How Good It Is. 

But 絕了 doesn’t have to be positive. If my audience is Su She ... he’s likely to take the same “This LWJ photo is 絕了” to mean the Mariana Trench kind of Absolute—the bottom of the bottom, the Unbeatable, Adjective-Defying Worst. 

絕了 allows for that understanding too.

In this scenario, I interpret Gg’s 絕了 as taking the meaning of both extremes (which make it a fantastic phrase choice!): that Gg thought Dd and the team members were being both the Absolute Best (for thinking of Gg, caring for him) AND the Absolute Worst (for going against his wish to not eat!) Gg’s 絕了 also signals defeat; if Dd and his team members were The Absolute ... Whatever, then poor Gg had no choice but to yield to their wishes. I can already imagine his “I can’t believe I lose this way” Look (see: every rock-paper-scissors he lost, which was ... pretty much all of them), mixed with, perhaps, a healthy amount of bunny tooth warning (how dare Dd et al banded up against him)...

Those bunny teeth had to be taken care of, right? And so Dd went on to say lychees being good omen that ensure things would go smoothly for the eater... targeting Gg’s being a, as c-turtles call it, 小迷信 (literally, “Little Superstitious”, a young + adorable + superstitious person). Dd said that to help Gg justify the choice to eat, to make Gg feel better about his defeat. 

(Of note: I had actually never heard of lychees being associated with good luck before, and a quick search online also didn’t yield any result. This could be a relatively rare association Google failed to catch ... or something Dd made up on the fly to make Gg happy.) 

(Lychees have, however, been associated with romance. If Emperor’s Smile 天子笑 was The Love Drink in The Untamed, then what is Concubine’s Smile 妃子笑? Answer: it’s the RL name of a type of lychees, lychees being the fruit very much adored by Yang Yuhuan 楊玉環, the consort of the Emperor Xuanzong (685-762 BCE) of the Tang Dynasty and one of the four most beautiful woman in Chinese history. Since lychees had only been grown in southern China, the emperor had had the fruit couriered, in express mode involving many horses, to the palace up north to please his favourite wife. Lychees had become a symbol of love from that historical tale.)

Did Gg get Dd’s message then, the love and care packaged in those peeled, sweet fruit awaiting his bite? Yes, but not without a little more fight! “Eat eat eat, (I’ll eat) until you go bankrupt” is a literal translation of his final line. Tonally, I can see the following as being an alternative translation: 

“Fine fine fine. I’ll eat, it’s not like I can bankrupt you by eating anyway!”

If it sounded a little sulky, that’s because it did ... a little sulky AND fiery. As expected from our favourite Chongqing Big Pepper 😂😂😂 (Poor Gg).

Dd smiled at that, needless to say. He won!!! He got Gg to eat!! The world shall rejoice!! 

p5. “Showtime”

There’s a show coming up for Dd (the YH concert maybe?), and Gg offered suggestions. 

The sweet point of this segment is about half-way down the conversation, in the piece of paper 📄 Gg gave to Dd (after “This is for you.”). Dd took the paper, noted the many words on it, and started saying 我把我整個靈魂, translated as “I bring my entire soul”.

c-Turtles have, based on these words, hypothesised that Dd was about to read out a quote that Gg had written on the paper, with the list of items Gg thought Dd should take, before Gg stopped him with a call of his name (“WYB”). The quote was included on the translation (”I give you my entire soul...only, a little good, love you.”) I have also talked about the same quote, in more detail, here.

I’m equally stumped on the final line of this segment. (Sorry!!)

p6. “Found Family”

It’s a heartwarming segment. While LRLG had previously noted that the TTXS bros had communicated with Gg, this segment made clear that they care for him like they do for Dd ~ as family.

* dls mailed Gg a lot of fruit for sharing with the film crew. “Family member needs to be impressive” is a rough translation, but this line does defy simple translation because 排面 a highly cultural concept that has much to do with the equally complex, Chinese concept of face (which this article explains... somewhat adequately). The message to take home is that dls cared enough about Gg that he wanted to make sure Gg wouldn’t lose face in front of the film crew; that, by having enough gifts (fruits) for everyone, Gg wouldn’t be viewed as cheap or inadequate or stingy, or whatever adjective that wouldn’t befit his top idol status. Because dls saw Gg as a member of his family. 

* The prescription from hg had been mentioned in a previous LRLG rumour. 方子 is a Chinese medicine prescription, which, unlike Western formulations, is individualised both to the discomfort / ailment and to the “body constitution” of the person who'll take it, the latter deciding the kind of ailments the person is susceptible to, and which ingredients are expected to be more effective. Chinese medicine also places a strong emphasises on long-term conditioning, whether it’s for recovery from a certain condition or for general good health. A good 方子 is therefore a far more complex and personal thing than, say, a scribble of “paracetamol” / “acetaminophen” on a piece of paper. :D

* fg’s gift for Gg (xx) is something for the waist. A brace support, maybe? For example?

My favourite line in this segment is when hg asked what will Gg and Dd do when they reach hg’s age. Given that the last two items (the prescription and xx) were health-related, I interpreted it as hg worrying about Gg and Dd’s health when they grow old... with all the health problems they already have. It’s the kind of thing a worried parent say to their children ~ my mom has said the same thing to me as well. 😢

p6. “The Cat Paw”

Not quite sure what’s happening here ... not sure what the cat paw is. (Sorry!!) But that é in the translation is Dd’s signature laugh (collection here), which is written as 鵝 (”Goose”) in Chinese 😂.

p7. “The Cat Toy”

Dd appeared to be shopping for a cat’s toy (something that can “hook the cat” in the translation, such that the cat can entertain itself and not rely on human companionship as much). Gg had already bought the toy though and sounded quite proud of it, told Dd to return the toy. The implied cat was, of course, Nut (堅果 Jianguo)... which had been repeatedly referred to in LRLG’s posts as Gg’s daughter.

p7. “Cool vs Cute”

Gg is often viewed as cute, and Dd as cool. Did Dd dislike Gg taking cute pictures for public consumption? Were they scheming an exchange of image? :D

And that’s it for this issue! Ooh, this took unexpectedly long ... I apologise for the ridiculous delay between the original post and this commentary! 

(I wrote half of it, then RL struck and I forgot about it.) (I’m hopeless.) (I need a 方子 for poor memory!!)

#pie eats candies #pie metas #yizhan #bjyx #LRLG

[barsformars]

SOULMATES AU!ATEEZ

//

req: hiii, idk if you are still accepting requests, but im trying anyways. How about an headcanon of ateez as types of soulmates bonds/ which type of soulmate bond will suit them? Bye have a nice dayyyy

a/n: this one is kinda just like what soulmate aus remind me of them & what i think would wanna write if it was soulmates au and them hehet i hope i interpreted the request properly lmao

ot8 / w.c 1.1k / t.w none

seonghwa 

reincarnation soulmates au

look ik everyone has been hyping up the seonghwa's first life thing so it's my turn to talk about it

the soulmate au where one is immortal and the other is mortal

seonghwa is the latter

and you just watch him from afar everytime he reincarnates, only talking to him once he is of age

and isn't the thought of being with him from his first life to his,, maybe 100th life,, just so,,,, bittersweet

bittersweet because damn obviously it hurts everytime he goes

hongjoong

dreaming of your soulmate au

you're in every dream of his and his in yours anytime the two of you are asleep at the same time

dreams with each other in it always feel so warm and fuzzy and you're always having a good time with each other

and sadly, nightmares when the two of you are not together in the dreams

but thing is you always wake up remembering everything except how he looks like and what his name is; same thing goes for him

*cue draw&draw lyrics*

he misses you and he wants to 'draw' you but he doesnt even know who you are physically

yunho

you can hear your soulmates thoughts au

but when you make eye or physical contact, you can't hear those thoughts

so imagine the two of you are seated across each other on the train and the thoughts go like

"omg they have nice shoes"

"why are his hands so pretty"

and those kinda thoughts just keep going and the both of you are just laughing internally at your soulmate because like "honey, im your soulmate, not whoever you're probably drooling over right now"

and then "wait im also drooling over someone else right now,,,"

and then the both of you just decide to lift your heads to meet each other's eyes and suddenly everything is quiet!!!!!!

also imagine later on when youre in a relationship with him and the two of you are just sharing a romantic moment and it's like:

"come on, you have to say it out loud because i can't hear you right now" AND THEN BEING ALL SHY BECAUSE OF THE NON-EXISTENT DISTANCE WHILE SAYING SMTH CHEESY

yeosang

your soulmate’s face is blurry to you au

this can be kinda sad because you will never really know how each other looks

but i think the sweetness lies in that the feelings you have for each other is genuine and purely because of their personality and all

and of course physical attraction is still important to a certain extent but think this:

the both of you are so familiar with each other through touch and a lot of experiences that you just know exactly where his lips are so you can kiss him pretty effortlessly

you know exactly where his nose ends so you know how to tilt your heads when you kiss so as to not bump noses

AND because you just are that familiar with him, you can kind of form a picture of each other's faces in your heads, like you have a rough idea how big his eyes are, how widely spaced, what his eye shape is etc.

idk but that just sounds really beautiful to me despite all the inconveniences that could arise

PLUS its so easy to spot each other in crowds because only one face is blurred to you lmao

san

you have a mark wherever your soulmate first touches you au

you are very disturbed because like half of your body is marked

like so much so that it's definitely not like an accidental bump on the streets or smth

so you're just there thinking "who in the right mind would touch a stranger to this extent and why!"

until one day you're minding your business while walking around and someone runs up from behind you and literally just engulfs you into a hug while resting their head in the crook of your neck

and of course, because you're panicking, you turn your head back to look who the hell it was

AND how coincidentally,,, your lips made contact with their brow bone

he releases you when he realises that you were not the friend he was supposed to meet around here

and because your long sleeves rolled up a little, you see the mark slowing fading away, and it just clicks,, he was the one

"this is truly unfair, i gave you a cute little mark and you give me that big ass mark"

mingi

you see your soulmate's memories when you touch something they have touched before au

and fate is cruel because it always seems like one of you is always a little later than the other

like if you or him walked a little bit faster and reached the same place a little earlier, maybe the two of you would have met

until one day maybe one day mingi is keeping the change after paying at the cashier and he drops some coins

and you're behind him so you help him pick it up and you suddenly get flashes of his memories

and so does he when you hand the coins back to him

fate is so stupid sometimes but it's cute ig

wooyoung

whatever you write on your skin shows up on your soulmate's skin as well

and wooyoung being wooyoung, loves to share things that makes him happy and things that he wish you would try out as well

and so you can expect his own food recipes, or maybe some lyrics that he's been trying to write, or like ideas for his vlogs and all

let's be real, it's 2021, the two of you could really just share social media handles and meet irl easily but both of you just love the comfort of anonymity

and knowing that someone out there is always listening, or rather, reading, whatever you want to say

jongho

when your soulmate gets hurt, flowers bloom at the same exact location

i think this one's kinda cute even tho it can be scary at times i guess

like imagine both of you just wanting to bubble wrap each other up because

"I HAVE A PERFORMANCE TOMORROW YOU CAN'T GET HURT"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONE OF YOUR BUTT CHEEKS IS BLEEDING, HOW AM I GOING TO SIT NOW"

STOP BITING YOUR LIPS I DONT WANT FLOWERS ON MY LIPS"

i think it is the beauty of taking care of someone as much as you would take care of yourself or reversely, taking care of yourself as much as you wanna take care of someone else

#kwritersworldnet #kdiarynet #8makes1teamnet #ateezlovenet #ficscafe #ateez headcanons #ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez imagines #ateez writings #ateez blurbs #ateez drabbles #ateez #ateez fluff #ateez angst #ateez soulmate au #requested #ateez ot8

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: you have a crush on college student renjun so you make use of your best lamest flirting attempts and surprisingly they work?!

pairing: renjun x gn!reader

genre: college!au, romance, pure fluff

warnings: very lame jokes, mentions of a cruel prank in the past (someone asking out renjun as a joke, pls never do that to people!), lots of awkwardness & sweetness, a bit of swearing, reader has an obsession with renjun’s pretty hands

word count: 4.7k

It had been a while since you had a crush so strong you even had a hard time focusing in class. Usually, you were a very good student, diligently taking notes and participating when the professor asked questions. But that was until you saw Renjun for the first time. 

It was like something possessed you and suddenly you couldn't think about anything else but his pretty, gentle face, his angelic voice and his lovely hands always drawing something in his notebook. It certainly didn't help much that you were seated right next to him during your shared lectures. It most certainly didn't help that you forgot all your vocabulary when you were in his immediate vicinity. Usually, your teachers and friends described you as well-spoken and eloquent, always knowing the right thing to say. 

But that was, of course, until Renjun. All words disappeared from your poor brain whenever he was around. And it's not like you didn't want to talk to him, get to know him better. But you physically couldn't bring yourself to form a coherent sentence. You kept telling yourself it was just a silly crush and it would pass in time. But the more time passed, the stronger you felt the need to do something about your feelings. Naturally, you couldn't speak, but there was still something you could do. Something you probably did best. Write.

So one day, after what felt like an eternity of yearning, you finally gathered the courage to act on your emotions. Taking a small sheet of paper out of your notebook, you wrote a little something. It was probably super lame but apparently, even your writing skills were affected by your crush on him. As soon as your "masterpiece" was done, you slid it towards Renjun before you could chicken out and change your mind about this whole thing. The note had the following text:

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your drawings are almost As pretty as you. P.S. Key word: almost ;)

The second he spotted the little note which was folded in a hurry, he opened it curiously. Once he read its insides, you could hear him snort under his breath. Was it that bad? You couldn't help but worry. Then, he took his own pen and started writing something under it. That was a good sign, right? You were feeling hopeful. Once he was done, he slid the paper towards you. You opened it in a rush. His response was:

Hey! Are you bullying my art?!?

You looked at him in confusion. How could he have possibly misunderstood? However, he was too focused on multitasking (drawing most of the time and occasionally taking notes based on the lecture) to spot your reaction. You decided you had no choice but to be as explicit as possible and wrote another note:

Nooo, I meant to compliment both you and your art, sorry if it came off wrong and lame :(

When he received it, you could swear you saw him smiling a little, which made your heart melt. How was he so beautiful? Soon enough, his reply came:

That's alright, I'm just teasing...Also, it worked.

You couldn't believe it. It worked? You'd successfully grabbed his attention by using this first-grade flirting method in college? You were suddenly feeling brave and kept writing. It was too late to turn back time.

I just think you're really pretty and cool especially when you draw but I was too hesitant to talk to you directly...

When he read your most recent note, he even gave you a look of disbelief, which you couldn't interpret until you saw his response:

Cool? Wow, that's a first...And it's ok, I don't bite.

You chuckled quietly and suddenly noticed that class was ending soon. You couldn't wait until tomorrow so you hurriedly wrote the content of your next note:

What do I have to do to get your number?

Renjun shook his head in amusement and this time, his reply came quicker than before:

*number enclosed* Here, that wasn't so hard, was it?

You could hear the lecturer saying his words of conclusion and you hurried to respond via another note, because you couldn't trust your voice to actually speak to Renjun. Not yet, at least. So, you wrote:

Thank you!!! Here is mine: *number enclosed*

And just as he received your final note, the students around you started gathering their things. You simply looked at Renjun and you still couldn't believe he'd actually replied to your silly flirting and even gave you his number! You waved him goodbye like a lovesick fool and practically ran outside of the lecture hall. Stage fright whomst? Try having a crush on the prettiest boy in the world.

After you went back home, you debated calling Renjun. Eventually, you talked yourself out of it. What if you said something stupid and embarrassing? With texting, you could at least have more time to think things through before sending them. Actually speaking to him seemed too terrifying a task to accomplish. So, you texted him excitedly and your heart did a back-flip when he replied. Was it strange that you already missed him, even though it had only been a couple of hours since you last saw him? Naturally, you couldn't tell him that, it would probably freak him out. So, you settled for texting (for the time being).

Renjun: Why did you run away after class?

You: I was too nervous to speak to you, I'm sorry!!!

Renjun: That's strange, I see you talking to your friends all the time...Am I so scary?!?

You: Nooo, you're not scary, I'm just being an idiot 😔

Renjun: Top of the class does not equal idiot but I'll let it slide this time

You: Thank you for your generosity!

Renjun: What are you up to?

You: Probably gonna work on that assignment for next week

You: Sorry, I'm so boring 😔

Renjun: First of all, you don't have to apologize so much, you did nothing wrong

Renjun: Second of all, saaame. We can brainstorm together if you want?

You: Sorry, I'll stop. Oops, I did it again. Pretend you didn't see it.

You: Also omg, yes pls, that would be great!

And that is how your friendship with Renjun started. Texting on your phones and exchanging notes during class lasted a week until you finally decided to ask him out. Again, via text, because you were feeling too shy to speak to him. The only other contact you'd had was waving at each other. And it's not like he spoke to you, either. There were two explanations for that: 1) he chose to respect your decision or 2) he was possibly just as shy as you were. Whatever the reason, you thought this could not go on forever so you managed to find the bravery to propose a date.

You: Do you wanna go out with me? 👉🥺👈 

Renjun: Sure, where do you wanna go?

You: Oh, wow, I didn't think I'd get this far lol

You: Where do YOU wanna go?

Renjun: Hmm, there's this new art gallery I've been meaning to visit...if that's okay with you

You: Anything is good with me as long as I get to see your pretty face

Renjun: What

You: I said you're pretty

Renjun: Shut up, oh my God...

You: Do you want me to stop?

Renjun: Say that again

You: You're pretty

Renjun: 😳😳😳

Renjun: I can't wait to see you again

You: Same here

Once you got to the front of the art gallery, it struck you how strange it was that you would speak to Renjun for the first time ever. You mentally braced yourself as you awaited his arrival anxiously. Your nails were digging into the inside of your hands and you were terrified you'd pierce holes through your own skin. You told yourself this was silly, you had no reason to be so nervous. Renjun was a total sweetheart and he obviously liked talking...well, writing to you. You needn't worry that much, you kept repeating in your mind. You were too busy hyping yourself up to notice him approaching behind you. Too busy to be prepared for what came next.

"Hiii," Renjun greeted you with a surprise back hug.

"Oh dear," you jumped in shock as you turned around.

"Did I scare you, angel?"

Shit. Already with the pet names? How were you supposed to survive?

"No, it's fine," you waved him off, trying to play it cool. "Isn't it weird this is the first time we're actually speaking to each other?"

"Um...kinda," Renjun scratched the back of his head. "But I like it, it's what makes this so special."

"Wow, you sure do have a way with words," you chuckled.

"Shall we go inside?" he suggested.

"Yes, please."

As you looked around the art gallery, you kept pointing excitedly at the paintings, while Renjun was quietly evaluating them and telling you interesting stories about the artists. You couldn't help but be amazed by how attractive he was as he exhibited his knowledge. And of course, you couldn't help but wonder at how he was so much more beautiful than all the art you've ever seen. Naturally, you wouldn't tell him that. First of all, because it was too lame to speak aloud. Second of all, because your voice would undoubtedly betray you and crack or something even more embarrassing. As time passed, you were surprised at how easy it was to talk to him, despite your previous concerns. Renjun was very polite and soft-mannered and he made you feel comfortable, while the two of you looked at the paintings and discussed them. Once you'd seen everything, you were starting to feel a bit bummed out that your lovely date was coming to an end. When you were outside the art gallery, you impulsively asked:

"Can I walk you home?"

"I mean...sure. On one condition."

"Anything."

"I get to walk you home next time."

"There'll be a next time?" you whispered hopefully.

"I hope I don't sound presumptuous if I share my observation we both had a wonderful time."

"That's perfectly alright. Your observation is correct," you admitted.

"I live just around the corner, though. You really don't have to-"

"But I want to."

"So do I," Renjun said and the two of you began walking towards his home.

"I was wondering about something...You already know I didn't speak to you because I was feeling shy, but why didn't you? I have two theories, but I'm curious which one is more on point."

"Do tell and I'll try my best to enlighten you," he joked.

"Okay, so theory number one is you were being respectful of my wish not to talk yet. Theory number two is that you're just as shy as I am."

Renjun laughed and you could swear this was the sweetest sound in the entire universe.

"Am I so transparent? Honestly, it's a little bit of both. But there's another part you didn't guess. But it's too embarrassing."

"Come on, tell meee! It can't be more embarrassing than my lame attempts to flirt with you."

Renjun smiled gently.

"Well, to be honest, I couldn't believe you thought I was cool and pretty...I even feared this was some sort of prank. It wouldn't be the first time someone decided to mess with me like that."

"Renjun, are you serious? I don't understand why anyone would...Scratch that, whoever messed with you didn't deserve even a fraction of your attention. I meant every word I said. I really like you...and your paintings. And I'm sorry I couldn't say it aloud earlier. You genuinely deserve to hear nice things more."

"Thank you. I appreciate it," he blinked cutely. "But enough about me. I never told you...how beautiful you are. How kind and smart."

"I know," you waved him off teasingly. "But coming from you, this means a lot."

Renjun shook his head, amused by your words.

"We should go somewhere you like next time. Maybe a bookshop?" he suggested.

"Am I so transparent?" you repeated his words. "But sure, yeah. That sounds nice."

"Well, this is me," he said, pointing towards his home.

"Already? Aw, time sure flies by when you're having fun."

"I'll see you tomorrow in class, right?"

"Of course," you promised and before you could talk yourself out of it, gave him a quick but heartfelt hug. "Bye, Renjun."

"Bye, angel."

After your first date with Renjun, things were going quite smoothly. You finally got over your nervousness when it came to talking to him and the two of you would occasionally whisper things to each other during class. The first time he held your hand under the desk your cheeks filled with colour. Despite your embarrassment, you held his hand right back and granted him with a grateful smile. After that, holding hands in class (whenever you weren't busy taking notes) became like second nature to you two. It just felt so sweet and comfortable to be close to him. You couldn't wait till the next weekend for your second date. Even though you were just going to a bookshop and had nothing that special planned out, you enjoyed being around him so much that you were more than excited for spending time with him one-on-one. No professors or other students to distract you.

When the day finally arrived, you were surprised to find out your anxious self had made a comeback. Even though you were around him everyday and had grown accustomed to holding a conversation, it had been an entire week since your first date when it was just the two of you and you couldn't help but get cold feet as you were waiting in front of the bookshop. This time Renjun didn't surprise you from behind, you could see him approaching from a distance. Mentally bracing yourself for his inevitable arrival, you knew you'd be an awkward mess no matter how hard you tried.

"Hey, angel," he greeted you with the usual hug.

"It's nice to see you again, Renjun," you replied dumbly, briefly melting into his arms.

"You saw me yesterday, remember?" he teased you.

"Um, yeah, but still," you chuckled.

"Is everything okay? You don't seem like yourself," Renjun immediately noticed the change in your behaviour.

"Why wouldn't it be? Everything's peachy," you lied, but he didn't seem to believe you.

"Be honest with me, please," Renjun asked. You suddenly remembered what he'd confided in you during your first date. It was no wonder he had a hard time trusting you after someone in his past had had the nerve to pull such a cruel prank on a soul as sweet as his. You felt guilty for lying rightaway and began explaining yourself.

"I'm sorry, I'm just nervous. I don't want to fuck anything up. Like I just did by lying and swearing. Fuck. I did it again, didn't I? I'll shut up now," you were rambling anxiously.

"Relax, Y/N, I totally get it. I was just worried maybe you didn't want to be here...with me."

"What? Nonsense. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. No one else I'd rather be with."

"Well, the feeling's mutual so there's no need for concern. Let's look at those books, yeah?"

"Yeah, sounds good, Renjun."

As the two of you went inside and started exploring the hundreds of shelves together, you felt yourself relaxing a little. Being surrounded by so many familiar titles, so many gorgeous covers was comforting. And as you kept showing Renjun some of your favourite books and telling him about your most beloved characters, he realized you were back to your usual self in no time. Attentively listening and occasionally sharing his opinions on certain authors, you didn't notice how quickly time passed by and how much you had enjoyed yourself and each other's company. Once you had looked through the bookshop in its entirety, you felt like it was too early to put an end to your date, but you didn't want to come off as too clingy or something. So, you simply looked at Renjun, expecting him to say what he wanted to do next.

"I promised you I'll walk you home this time, didn't I?" he smoothly said.

"I believe you did," you giggled. It was so sweet of him to remember such a detail.

"I'm a man of my word so lead the way," Renjun replied, offering you his arm.

"It will be my pleasure," you eagerly took his arm and the two of you began walking. You were deliberately moving at a slow place, simply because you didn't want this to end and felt like prolonging the time around him.

"Your hands are so pretty," you blurted out at one point.

"You like my hands, huh?" Renjun smirked.

"Did I say that out loud?" you were undoubtedly blushing really hard.

"I'm afraid so."

You felt completely mortified as you covered your face with your own hands.

"Hey, hey, it's fine. You can tell me anything. Chances are I'll take it as a compliment."

"Really?" you sneaked a peak. "You don't think I'm weird?"

"Maybe a little bit, but it's one of the things I like about you."

"One?" you blinked curiously.

"You're really fun to be around and you've been nothing but sweet to me. And of course, you're stunning, but that goes without saying."

"Without saying? I don't mind hearing it, though."

"I'll have that in mind," Renjun smiled gently.

"Renjun?"

"Yes?"

"Can you hold my hand?" you almost begged.

"I don't know, can I?" he tormented you with a joke.

"Will you hold my hand?" you corrected yourself.

"All you had to do was ask," Renjun acquiesced and intertwined your fingers.

Walking hand in hand, you eventually reached your place. As you two stared at one another, you refusing to go inside, him refusing to go, both of you refusing to let go of the other's hand, you thought to yourself how badly you wanted to kiss him. You had no idea if it was too early for that but you knew that the longer you tried to postpone it, the more you'd crave him. And you were an impatient person. So you quickly kissed him without thinking much. It was a bit awkward and rushed but at least, you had finally done as you wanted. Renjun looked taken aback and blinked at you a couple of times.

"I'm sorry," you apologized again. "I just..."

He silenced you softly with another kiss, this time more slowly and putting your mind and heart at ease. You lost yourself in the feeling of his plush lips against yours, finally letting go of his hand so that you could wrap yours around his neck. Hesitant at first but growing bolder by the second, you could sense Renjun's tongue testing the waters. You slightly parted your lips, letting him in. As the kiss intensified, you could feel him becoming more eager to touch you, his arms wrapped around your lower back. When you were seconds away from losing your breath, you finally broke the kiss. Opening your eyes to look at him, you couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. He'd kissed you back.

"I thought I told you to stop apologizing so much. Especially, when you haven't done anything wrong," Renjun scolded you politely.

You opened your mouth to argue, but when you realized your immediate response would have been another 'I'm sorry', you closed it. A second later, you came up with a different reply.

"I guess you'll have to discipline me, then," you huffed in a challenge.

"Dumbass," Renjun flicked your forehead.

"Hey!" you complained with a pout. "That hurts."

"What do you want me to do? Kiss it better?" Renjun gave an unamused look.

"That doesn't sound like such a bad idea," you mumbled, not expecting him to actually...kiss your forehead. But he did. And damn your knees for threatening to give out.

"Feel better yet?"

You nodded enthusiastically.

"Get inside already," Renjun tickled your sides, nudging you in the direction of your door.

"You want to get rid of me so badly?"

"No, but we can stand here forever if you don't," he rolled his eyes.

"Do you want me to invite you in?"

"Don't tempt me and go," he was impossible to sway.

"Okay, okay," you relented. "See you tomorrow, Renjun!"

For your third date Renjun suggested something different. While your first and second date had all taken place in public locations, this time he offered going to his place. And maybe the shock on your face was too obvious, because Renjun was quick to keep talking and almost take it back.

"We don't have to if you don't want to! We can just watch something at the cinema or whatever. Forget I mentioned it if you're uncomfortable."

You quickly shook your head.

"No, no, I do want to come over! I was just...not expecting it."

"Yeah? You sure?"

"A hundred per cent," you nodded excitedly.

"Sorry to break it to you, but I'm at two hundred per cent," Renjun teased.

"It's not a competition," you reminded him.

"It's not if I'm winning," he kept playing around.

You rolled your eyes.

"So what are we watching?" you asked.

"You can't go wrong with Harry Potter, am I right?"

"You are so right," you squealed. "Which house are you in?"

"Don't get me started. Sometimes I get Ravenclaw, sometimes Slytherin, it's a mess."

"That's pretty cool, though," you were practically staring at him with heart eyes at this point.

"You're a Hufflepuff, aren't you?"

"Am I so transparent?" you complained, this line becoming something of a running gag between the two of you.

"Cute," he mumbled under his breath and you blushed, not managing to maintain eye contact.

When the time arrived for you to go to Renjun's place, you were more excited rather than nervous. He was so easy to talk to and you were genuinely making so many wonderful memories that you had made it your mission to not waste any second worrying needlessly.

"I have arrived," you announced the obvious as you stood at his door.

"I can see that," Renjun chuckled. "Come on in."

"I wasn't sure if I should bring something so I bought some pizza on the way. It's still hot, so I hope you're hungry," you said as you followed him inside like a puppy.

"Oh, that's very thoughtful. And I always have enough space left for pizza."

You grinned and the minute you put the box on the table and your arms were free, you wrapped them around Renjun in a hug.

"You're so warm," you murmured against his skin.

He kissed the top of your head swiftly. Soon after, the two of you were too busy re-watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, eating pizza and holding hands to talk much. Once the movie was over, you realized how badly you didn't want to go home and how cozy leaning your head on Renjun's shoulder felt. And how much you liked him and couldn't stop thinking about his hands, his smile and his overall existence.

"Do you want to go home already?" Renjun asked the dreaded question.

"I mean, not really, but I don't wanna impose myself on you," you whispered.

"Don't be so formal," Renjun replied. "Just stay a little longer."

"Yayyy!" you were quite overjoyed and kissed his cheek. "What do you want to do?"

"Hm, I don't know. I could give you a tour around the place."

"Sure, that sounds fun," you immediately agreed.

"Don't get your hopes up, it's just a regular college guy's apartment."

"I'm sure I'll be amazed by every little detail."

"Even my socks?"

"Especially your socks," you joked.

As he showed you around his apartment, you couldn't help but be amazed by how Renjun-like everything was. From the snug kitchen to his art supplies scattered around. Every corner made the atmosphere feel extremely homey. Until you saw something that you hadn't expected, something that hadn't come up in conversation before. A stunning grand piano. You looked at the instrument and then at Renjun and finally, back at the piano.

"Do you play?"

"No, I just keep things like that as an accessory," he responded sarcastically. "Of course, I play."

"Can you...no, wait," you stopped yourself before making a similar mistake to the one you made a while ago. "Will you play something for me?"

"Right now?"

"If it's not too much trouble," you gave him the very best pleading look you were capable of.

Renjun sighed reluctantly and sat down on the bench in front of the piano.

"Don't just stand there awkwardly, sit next to me," he urged you courteously. 

You followed his advice and took the free spot. However, nothing could have possibly prepared you for witnessing Renjun's skills up-close. Watching him play was like magic. You were simply in awe and couldn't help but stare at his pretty fingers hitting the keys in just the right ways. When he was finished performing the piece, you were too frozen to do anything. Couldn't even manage to clap, even though he deserved it so much. But you were too transfixed by his playing and those damn hands of his you couldn't possibly move.

"Earth to Y/N?" Renjun went as far as snapping his fingers right in front of your face.

"Huh?" you let out.

"Did I enchant you or what?"

"I think you did," you chuckled. "Just...wow. You're insanely good."

He looked away bashfully.

"Thanks. It just takes practice."

"Nah, I've heard people play before but what you have is different. So pure and genuine. Like a blessing. And I'm not just saying that because I think I'm falling in love with you. I really mean every word."

"Care to repeat that?"

"I really mean..." you started, still not registering what exactly you'd said. How far you'd gone. What you couldn't take back.

"Before that," Renjun reminded you gently. "You know. The part about falling in love with me."

"Shit. I was thinking out loud again, wasn't I?" you asked dumbly. "It's too early for that, I know. I'm really sorry. Let's just pretend I said nothing and forget about it, yeah?"

In your panic, you jumped up from the bench and were about to escape like a coward but Renjun grabbed your hand before you could take another step.

"I think I'm falling in love with you, too," he said.

"W-what?" you stammered.

"And I don't care about whether it's too early or not. And I'm not going to pretend I didn't hear it. So the question is...what are you going to do about that?"

"Me? What...am I supposed to do?"

"What you want to do," Renjun clarified.

"Um...I want to keep falling in love with you, Renjun. And holding your pretty hands. Spending time with you. Listening to your angelic voice. What I want...is for you to be my boyfriend."

"I thought I already was."

"You were?"

"We went on a couple of dates...we kissed...Haven't I made it obvious enough?"

"Oh, right," you chuckled. "Sorry."

"Say that word one more time, I dare you," Renjun slowly ran a finger down your lips.

"S-sorry?" you had to test his patience. Before you could argue, he kissed you fiercely, wrapping his palms around your cheeks. You were drowning beneath his touch, which was ridiculous, considering he was also setting your lips on fire. You figured if saying sorry too much was going to end up like this, you would be a fool not to take advantage of it.

"Pretty angel," Renjun whispered against your mouth. "My pretty angel."

You were practically melting and the only thing holding you together were Renjun's arms.

"For fear of sounding lame, I'm inclined to say your pretty angel's almost as pretty as you. Key word: almost," you giggled, recalling your earliest attempts at flirting with him.

"Lies," Renjun shook his head.

"Hey, it worked the first time!" you pouted.

"It only worked because you're the pretty one," Renjun ruffled your hair playfully.

"Oh my God, shut up," you covered your face to hide how red it was.

"Never."

The End

#nct #renjun #nct dream #renjun x reader #nct fluff #renjun fluff #hwang renjun #nct romance #hwang renjun x reader #college au #writing