vivificame

[vivificame]

I want to love you, but I don't know how

And when it's the right me, it's never the right now.

[vivificame]

I thought it would be a gift for the rain to stop

But this used-to-be lake would give anything to be a puddle or pond

Seen too much death, grown callous and cracked

With a thirst that may never be quenched

I’m not sure how much longer I can go

Knowing this drought has rotted me to the core

All the sunshine I once craved

Makes it easier for me to dig my grave

when it rains it pours,

but how big must a puddle grow

before it is considered a pond?

when does a pond become a lake?

i’m drowning,

but i insist that i’m dry.

insist i couldn’t die.

now every single day is overtime.

is extra credit.

is derealized.

i’m drowning but i

wring my clothes

and promise that i’m dry.

it’s good for the flowers, they say.

that’s very good.

you’ll need them soon.

#words and things #poetic #still learning #929 #words #h #writers #responsepoem

[vivificame]

“Who you were, who you are, and who you will be are three different people.”

— Unknown

[vivificame]

Nothing will ever be like it was in 2014

I was more than depressed So maybe it’s for the best

Thinking someone could die from the tears they’d spill

But that was all part of the thrill

I’m not sure I’m what they would’ve called a tumblr babe

But I’m pretty sure I’m not one who escaped

I’m right back posting the words I can’t bare to say

Because of the weight of a cliche that fades my colored world to gray

I watched my blood turn to brown

And wondered why I stayed in town

My words heal my heart but neglect my mind

I wish I could accept my excuses this time

I’m running out of apologies I can give in the mirror

But I adhere to my fear that is far too near

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[vivificame]

[vivificame]

I’ve been on my knees since I was 5.

In the chapel,

in a bedroom,

in an alley late at night.

Always facing an inflated

godlike

version of some guy.

But as a girl you do what you need to survive.

You open wider, take the body.

Thank your father, you’ve been naughty.

2 Hail Marys, 20 lashings.

“I’ve been sent to punish you for daring to exist.

You will never know a love as meaningful as this.”

I’ve memorized

the lines

since I was 10.

From the Bible,

from the playbook,

from the magazines for men.

If you should mess it up, you’ll start again.

But, still, they only want

the women

they condemn.

I think that I’d have too much fun in hell.

With the pagans

and the hedonists

and sapphics there as well.

Purgatory seems the better fit

I can’t stand waiting in the corner,

but I do love being hit.

There’s not a torture you can prescribe

that I wouldn’t find

a way to like.

Every single second I’m alive

I’m sharpening an axe I’d like to grind.

“I was sent to punish you

for the way I was designed.

You will never know a love

that you fear more than mine.”

- “God Fear a Woman” 2023

[vivificame]

[vivificame]

[vivificame]

never forget how they gave you distance when you needed love.

[vivificame]

if i’m gonna be forced to exist i might as well be silly about it

[vivificame]

tired of being casual. who will die for me

[vivificame]

friends

[vivificame]

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[vivificame]

[vivificame]

I am back, hello.

[vivificame]

WILTED

As seasons pass, I run myself dry

Deprived of all that keeps me alive

I feel my youthful spirit begin to drain

As the hopeful hue dissolves and leaves a darker stain

Fragile, brittle, and likely to break

From one minor stumble, movement, or shake

A rare beauty that differs from my original form

A preservation of hope and how I’ve transformed

Clutching onto the liveliness I used to exude

A reminder to replace me is how I’m construed

Worn-out, jaded, simply a lost cause

Bowed from the weight of my collection of flaws

Quench my need to feel alive once more

Return me to the way I was before

Prior to neglect, darkness, and pain

Don’t throw me out and choose to start again

The easy way out is what I most dread

Because who would water a plant that’s already dead?

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[vivificame]

Smile on Loan—

The contents of my head are tied in knots that only grow tighter when I try to untangle them on my own

I’d love to share some smiles and laughs but my thin layer of happiness is just a loan

A mask I wear but not mine to give

A borrowed disguise to hide my lack for a will to live

Smeared on my face for long enough to convince everyone I’m doing fine

Sometimes the bad finds a way out

And I’m left to deal with the self pity, self hatred and self doubt

Can’t imagine life without this pain

Dependence and self-loathing: the objective of this sick game

No ending No winner No consolation prize

Just a disappointed person in the mirror with tears in their eyes

Never thought I would end up here

Because behind the tears, fake cheers, and painful years

Is a hopeful girl who is constantly left alone, forced once again to deal with her biggest fear

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