absolute-chaotician
Aggressively unstable.
Dilettante. Secular humanist. Halfheartedly trying to survive BPD and ADHD. Routinely described as "a bit much."
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How to Be Emotionally Supportive
Listen with empathy: Consider how the other person may be feeling, and listen for the specific words that they use to describe it. People can have different reactions to the same events, so try to understand their perspective.
Listen without judgment or interruption: Sometimes just being heard makes a person feel supported. Do not tell the other person how they should feel. Do not argue against their way of thinking or diminish the severity of their problems.
Reflect: Summarize, or “mirror,” what they have said, as this shows understanding. “It must be so frightening that John is back in the hospital. I can hear that you are tired and scared.”
Offer compassion and reassurance: Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to remind the person that everyone makes mistakes or that they are loved. Or it may be appropriate to praise their ability to get through difficult times.
Be honest: Even when you're unsure how to react to bad news or difficult feelings, it is still possible to be supportive. “I want to make it better and provide the right support, but I am not sure what to say. I am still here to listen, though, and I want to continue talking.”
Ask what they need: This allows the person in need to be in control of the kind of help they get. They may just want to talk, or they may want advice or material support. Others want a distraction and to change the topic of conversation. Follow their lead.
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Emotional Regulation Skills
CREATE SPACE. Pause. Take a breath. Slow down the moment between the trigger and response.
NOTICE WHAT YOU FEEL PHYSICALLY. Is your stomach upset? Is your heart racing? Inquiring into what you feel physically can distract your focus and allow some of the intensity of the emotion to dissipate.
NAME WHAT YOU FEEL. What emotion are you feeling? Anger, sadness, disappointment, resentment, fear? You may be feeling multiple emotions. If you can name an emotion, you can share it.
ACCEPT THE EMOTION. Don't beat yourself up for feeling angry or scared. Emotional reactions are valid. Practice self-compassion.
PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. Live in the moment by using your senses to notice what is happening around you in a nonjudgmental way. This can help you stay calm and avoid engaging in negative thought patterns when you're in emotional pain.
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Impediments to Self Development
EMOTIONAL NUMBING. Whether it occurs by repression, inattention, or rejection, neglect of feelings and emotions limits the capacity to handle negative emotions, optimize positive emotions, enjoy interactions with others, build trust with others, and remember critical events.
HIGH MORAL IDENTITY. The illusion of a unitary self leads us to perceive and respond to new challenges by superimposing our own self-definition over them instead of recognizing the nuances of the challenges and the multiple ways in which our minds are actually reacting to them. People who view themselves as moral are more likely to act immorally.
STATIC SELF ILLUSION. The belief that our behavior is invariant and that some people are consistently good and others are consistently bad misses that the circumstances that precede our decisions and actions exert a powerful effect on behavior.
OMNISCIENCE. We tend to overestimate our knowledge and underestimate its limitations.
STRESS AND ANXIETY. Stress and anxiety alter brain function, releasing cortisol, adrenaline, norepinephrine and other hormones and neurotransmitters that impair memory, learning, attention, judgment, empathy, and impulse control.
AGGRESSIVENESS. Aggressiveness is an easy diversion from problem solving and it decimates trust.
EXTRINSIC MOTIVATION. Extrinsic motivation is centered on direct, tangible rewards. Intrinsic motivation is the drive to achieve a goal or accomplish a purpose because it has meaning and value independent of tangible rewards. "What will solving this problem do for me?" vs. "How can I solve this problem?"
PROCRASTINATION. A strong relationship exists between procrastination and "self-handicapping" - protecting our sense of self-competence by raising impediments to our own performance. People who invite failure through procrastination preserve their self-image that the cause of any performance shortage is lack of effort rather than lack of ability.
IMPOSTOR SYNDROME "Impostors" cannot internalize their success and relate their achievements to external factors like luck, personal connections, and working harder to accomplish the same results that other people achieve with nominal effort.
ALCOHOL AND DRUG IMPAIRMENT. Specific effects of impairment include narrow focus of attention, inability to develop creative ideas, difficulty in processing language, short- and long-term memory loss, reluctance to deal with negative information, and poor performance in analytical thinking, critical reasoning, and simple math problems.
NARCISSISM. Because narcissists lack empathy, their relationships with other people tend to be superficial, manipulative, and unstable.
STATUS, AFFLUENCE, AND POWER. The relative privilege and security enjoyed by those with status, affluence, and power gives rise to independence from others and a prioritization of the self and one's own welfare over the welfare of others: greed. Because they rely on their own opinions and fail to incorporate those of others, their decisions are less accurate.
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Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence consists of five basic emotional and social competencies:
SELF-AWARENESS. Recognizing moods, emotions, and drives. Using emotions to guide decision-making. Realistically assessing abilities and confidence levels.
SELF-REGULATION. Handling emotions to facilitate task performance. Delaying gratification and redirecting impulses to achieve goals. Being conscientious. Recovering from emotional distress.
MOTIVATION. Taking initiative. Striving to improve. Persevering through setbacks. Understanding preferences to move toward goals.
EMPATHY. Sensing other peoples' feelings. Understanding others' perspectives. Establishing rapport with people.
SOCIAL SKILLS. Accurately reading social situations. Interacting smoothly with other people. Handling emotions in relationships. Using social skills to persuade, lead, negotiate, and resolve conflict.
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Domain Model
Hogan and Warrenfeltz's four categories of skills that conceptually build upon each other:
INTRAPERSONAL: self-awareness, self-esteem, resiliency, and self control.
INTERPERSONAL: perspective-taking, empathy, and anticipating others' actions.
LEADERSHIP: recruiting, retaining, and motivating a team, persistence, and promoting a vision.
WORK: planning, organizing, coordinating, innovating, compiling, and selecting.
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Effective Emotional Support is...
RESPECTFUL: treat the person in need with dignity and consideration.
NONJUDGMENTAL: don't judge the other’s thoughts, feelings, or perspective.
COMPASSIONATE: provide reassurance and understanding.
UNCONDITIONAL: the person in need does not need to do anything or react in any specific way to get support.
PERSON-CENTERED: focus on the wants and needs of the person seeking support.
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Cure Low Self-Esteem.
Keep your fucking promises to yourself.
You say you'll get up at 8 and you sleep in until 9:30 because it feels good. You say you'll cook dinner every night this week but you order takeout.
Confidence doesn't come from external experiences.
Do what you say you will - even if you're only saying it to yourself. When you become someone who does what they say they'll do, you'll feel more in control.
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8 CBT Exercises to Help You Cope with Your Breakup
The ending of a relationship can feel similar to a death. You’re losing the closeness you had with someone very important to you. You won't be able to spend time with them and enjoy the same intimacy — which can bring up feelings of grief. Feel that sadness and mourn what you lost.
Reframe your thoughts and feelings to help become the person you want to be.
1. Identify patterns through journaling.
Note recurring thoughts. Ask why you're focusing on negative thoughts. Do you even believe the upsetting things you're telling yourself? Journaling will help slow down the thoughts spinning around your head so you can notice your emotions.
2. Reframe negative thoughts.
"I'll never be good enough for a relationship and no one will ever love me again." > > > "I'm noticing a scary thought of being alone. I don't know what the future looks like, but I know right now I'm feeling lonely and may need to reach out to a friend for support."
"I'm going to be single forever." > > > "I'll be single for a while."
"I should have known better." > > > "I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time."
3. Try the 5:1 exercise.
Every time you think something negative or judgmental about yourself, identify at least 5 alternatives.
Statements containing "always," "never," or "should" aren't fair or balanced. Identify neutral statements instead.
"My partners always leave me." > > > "I did not give up on the relationship. I am proud of how deeply I loved. I would rather be with someone who wants to fight for our relationship. My partner and I ultimately were not compatible. I know this is hard for my partner, too."
4. Refocus on yourself.
When your thoughts drift to your ex, refocus them on yourself. Instead of thinking about what they're doing or who they're with, think about what you're doing at the moment. Who are you connecting with outside of your ex? Focus on what you have, not what you lost.
5. Draw a pie chart of blame.
Resist black and white thinking. The breakdown of a relationship isn't 100% anyone's fault. What actions and responsibilities contributed to the breakup? Rethink what happened, break unhealthy thinking patterns, and process what happened so you can come to terms with it.
6. Draw a thoughts-feelings-behaviors triangle.
Draw two triangles. In the first, write down the thoughts, feelings, and actions you're experiencing right now. In the second, write the thoughts, feelings, and actions you wish you were experiencing instead.
Sad, lonely, discouraged, afraid > > > empowered, content, hopeful.
What is preventing you from experiencing the feelings you want to be feeling?
7. Imagine a stop sign.
When you're getting worked up, remind yourself that you're in control. Picture an image of a stop sign. Be compassionate toward yourself as you stop spiraling, take a deep breath, and redirect your thoughts.
8. Schedule activities.
It's natural to want to spend time alone when you're stressed. Do that in moderation, but give yourself the opportunity to experience positive emotions and feel good by scheduling activities you enjoy.
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"As we look forward, we have a renewed freedom to grow beyond who we were in the relationship to become the person we genuinely hope to be. We shouldn't rush that process of becoming. We should cherish the time to recover the best of our past authentic self and to aspire to discover new dimensions of our ideal self."
~ Dr. Krystine Batcho
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Overcoming Abandonment Issues.
People who have experienced abandonment feel lost, undesired, discarded, insignificant, and helpless.
Abandonment is a traumatic shock to your emotional system because you are suddenly cut off from a significant relationship.
Life post-abandonment involves searching to fill this emotional void.
Relationships turn into a minefield of rejection triggers.
Your fear of abandonment runs the show and drives your partner away.
You are sensitive, clingy, rigid, manipulative, anxious, and obsessive.
The more you overreact and need, the more you despise yourself.
You feel ashamed of your desperation.
To cope with your chronic insecurities, you increasingly become fused to your partner.
Emotional fusion means you depend on people to regulate your self-image and emotions: “I need you to feel good about me so I can feel good about myself. I can’t handle you getting upset with me because that means I am bad and you will desert me.”
Because you rely on your partner for stability, you live defensively reacting to whatever your partner does.
Basically, life feels out of your control, and you look to your partner to calm the storm.
You depend on someone else’s reassurance to be your source of peace.
5 areas of responsibility to take charge of to break codependency and develop a solid self:
Clarify Emotional Responsibility.
When your abandonment paranoia gets out of control, do you expect your partner to calm your anxiety? If you struggle with abandonment issues, you probably have an intense desire to feel taken care of. This feeling is completely legitimate; however, it will distort your paradigm of personal responsibility.
The deep emotional chasm you feel inside compels you to look to a relationship to be the answer to your problems. For example, you manage your fear of abandonment by placing the responsibility on someone else to behave a certain way to make you feel secure. You panic if that person doesn’t perform perfectly. Your partner becomes your anxiety reliever, and his reassurance is the basis of your security. Consequently, when your partner is having a bad week, you are an emotional wreck.
To stop this emotional reactivity, you need to assume complete ownership of your feelings. People will trigger your insecurities, but it’s not their job to make you feel better about yourself. It’s your responsibility to cultivate a healthy mind that believes the best of yourself.
To insist that your partner be emotionally responsible for you is asking that person to take on something that is not within their power to do. Accept 100% accountability for your reactions instead of blaming someone else for your anxiety.
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Correct Idealistic Expectations.
Do you approach relationships with a consumer mentality? Do you assume it’s your partner’s job to fulfill all your needs? Subconsciously, people with an abandonment history are continuously looking to compensate for what they lost in childhood.
When people are hurt, they feel like they are owed something. Enter unrealistic expectations. The burden to repay the past emotional debt is often placed on the significant other. That person is put on a pedestal and clutched tightly. The relationship becomes addictive because that person possesses something you “need.”
Fear of abandonment and love addiction go hand in hand. Love addicts search for that constant “fix.” They use people to make them feel whole. They rely on their partner to be their source of well-being. Unfortunately, the relationship “high” only medicates pain temporarily. For one, this expectation puts an immense amount of pressure on one person. Secondly, you will encounter disappointment because no human being can satisfy every longing in your heart.
To break this toxic dependency, you must change the way you primarily get your needs met. What would it look like if you took full responsibility for your happiness? You need to invest in yourself and purposely create the life you desire. For some, this looks like seeking spirituality, working with a therapist, joining a small group, traveling, exercising, creating new life goals, learning a new skill, diversifying relationships, or starting a new career.
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Learn to Self-Validate.
Most people who struggle with fear of abandonment are highly reliant on external validation to make them feel confident. They operate from the belief, “I need constant reinforcement to verify that people love me so I can feel good about myself.”
Abandonment wrecks your self-esteem so naturally that there is a huge appeal to look to other people to be your primary source of validation. A deep yearning resides inside your soul to be told, “You’re okay.” There is nothing wrong with accepting affirmation. The problem lies when you cannot function without it and continually need people to resuscitate you emotionally.
Do you crumble when your partner disagrees or disapproves of you? Do you spin out of control when you get criticized? The fact is, sometimes we don’t receive the positive feedback we desire. What would it be like if your mood was not controlled by people’s words and behaviors?
Don’t give people the power to determine your self-worth. Learn to anchor yourself instead of relying on others to prop you up. Approval-seeking is a fruitless endeavor; it will never satisfy. Besides, no amount of praise will convince you of your significance if you don’t believe it yourself. When you self-validate, it will force you to get clear on who you really are instead of defining yourself based on how people treat you.
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Be Authentic.
Have you discarded your true self? Do you misrepresent yourself or hold back in relationships? Abandonment can disrupt the development of a person’s individuality because they believe the lie that says they are not good enough. As a result, they adopt counterfeit identities, and their sense of self becomes fluid. They often adjust themselves to fit the desires of people around them.
Individuals who struggle with fear of abandonment are afraid to be authentic in relationships because they think their differences will threaten the stability of the connection. They are willing to lose themselves in exchange for approval and attention. Instead of genuineness, they aim for a watered-down, palatable version of themselves to achieve “sameness.” They appease their partner to avoid causing waves. They believe one wrong word or mistake could cause the relationship to end.
People pleasing will result in a lifetime of walking on eggshells and putting up with bad behavior. Don’t compromise your originality. Abandoning yourself is a toxic preservation strategy. Resilient relationships are created when two differentiated people come together. Hold onto your sense of self in close relationships. Be brave enough to clearly define your identity. Commit to valuing yourself enough so you don’t sell out any longer.
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Practice Self-Confrontation.
Have you sacrificed your integrity to “save” a relationship? Most of the time, the worst in us comes out during conflict. Hurting people hurt others. Individuals who fear abandonment are masters at control. If they can manipulate people, then they can reduce their anxiety of abandonment.
Do you lie and tamper with the facts when your partner finds you at fault? Do you play the victim role to gain sympathy? When your partner confronts you, do you pretend to be confused? Do you shame your partner into spending time with you? Do you attack your partner’s weaknesses to get your way?
Most people would rather turn a blind eye and tolerate their depravity than acknowledge its existence. It’s much easier to blame your partner. “If only he noticed me.” “If she would just listen to me.”
The first person you need to confront is you. Individuals with a strong self admit when they are wrong. To heal from abandonment, you need to become a person who daily self-confronts and takes responsibility for how your actions hurt people.
Self-confrontation is a time of reflection where you examine if your attitudes and behaviors are out of alignment with your core values. You correct personal flaws and take ownership for bad behavior even if there are costs. You change not to get a “certain response” from your partner but to maintain your self-integrity.
The best in you stands up when you confront the worst in yourself. In return, you will gain much self-respect. Resolve to stop dodging responsibility because of your past. Stop blaming, justifying, or making excuses for bad behavior to save face. Just own it.
Take inventory of how unfairly you treat your partner. Boldly admit your culpability in the toxic relationship dynamic. Don’t accept more responsibility than is due, but own your part. Humbly confess your offenses to your partner. No doubt this move will disrupt the status quo, however, sometimes upheaval is necessary to create traction in areas of relationship gridlock.
Tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth.
Building a strong self will stir up your anxiety. But each time you abstain from reassurance seeking and controlling behaviors, you strengthen your emotional muscles.
Use your relationship insecurity as an opportunity to learn how to transfer your pain into personal growth. This abandonment wound is an invitation for you to reorganize yourself into a resilient person. When you test your capacity, you will discover your strength.
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But then there's the despair.
No more splitting rent, electric, and internet... right after my rent increases in August and student loan repayments will restart...
Taking out my own trash/recycling and the cats' litter.
Physical contact. No cuddling, holding hands, sex on demand.
Grocery shopping and laundromat alone.
Making all my own food... although that might actually be good because I'm getting fat from the fried/processed shit he makes. Aren't vegetarians supposed to be healthy?
Mostly just the companionship. Someone to be in the same room sitting silently playing video games or watching TV together.
No more surprise concert tickets.
No more surprises at all. Not even the thoughtful little things like including the items he knows I need in his Instacart orders without me telling him to.
Ugh he's so hottttt...
He's (kinda) good with meeting friends and family. Not great, but good. Knows how to be charming when needed. Former bartender skills.
The littlest cat will really miss him. They've bonded so closely. It's already tough to pay enough attention to 3 cats. Halving the number of human hands (and laps) makes it even more difficult.
No more random hugs and kisses throughout the day in our shared home office.
Might as well get rid of the wine fridge. Good and bad - it'll be because I have an organized fridge (and can go back to boxed wine) again, but it also means no more surprise wine and no one to share it with.
I'll miss the classic melon vape.
There go our (seldom played) co-op Stardew, Sun Haven, and V Rising games.
Depressing memorabilia of what could have been: photos from our first Valentine's Day when we made it ~Insta story official~, one of our best dates, the print of the place we had our very first date, the shitty but charming painting he made of the littlest cat, the Lego sets we did together, the "our first Christmas living in sin" ornament I got him last year which he unboxed literally the day before we left for the trip on which I'd see my grandma alive and alert for the last time. Fucking oof.
What will he leave here when he moves across the country? The fancy Alexas? The smart bulbs? The LED strips on the back of my TV? I might have to refit my entire "smart" apartment without him. FUCK will he take the air fryer??
Back to condoms. Ack.
No one to carry all the heavy shit my spaghetti arms can't.
Spiders. Mice. FUCKING BIRDS. I'll have to deal with all manner of strange beings that get into the apartment alone.
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The List of Reasons to Move On.
I'm not ready to move. I want to, but there's so much to figure out financially and logistically. I won't be pressured anymore.
I might be able to start repairing my self esteem when I don't have a partner addicted to masturbation. He spends hours every day downloading porn torrents. He has a "secret" account where he creates and posts DAILY porn GIFs. He has like 5 Fleshlights that he uses in conjunction with VR porn pretty much daily.
He's fucking slovenly. He leaves trash and food waste everywhere. There are dirty dishes all over his desk. He'll see something get fucked up (crumbs fall on the floor, a drink spills, something gets knocked over) and just fucking leave it.
He knows the cat eats plastic and still doesn't care about making sure it's out of his reach... he's literally putting my cats in danger.
He's wildly hypocritical about mental health and coping skills. I should be perfect despite past trauma (I'm working on it - he's right that I need improvement but I'm making an effort) but he's allowed to lose his shit. If I mention anything he's done to me I'm playing the victim.
He always talks about how he's "scared" of me and has to "walk on eggshells," meanwhile he's the one fucking screaming in my face, ripping the rearview mirror off my windshield, throwing water at me, spitting in my face... because I said I might hang out with a guy friend I used to date and am IN NO WAY interested in or attracted to anymore.
He insults me freely. He repeats what I say in a mocking tone. He thinks throwing/pouring drinks on me and spitting on me doesn't count as assault.
He calls me a cunt, a "bpd motherfucker," and says he hates me and that I'm the worst thing to ever happen to him.
My grandma died. She raised me. She's the only person in my family I loved. He wasn't there for me. In fact, he was a major asshole and made me feel worse on the day I found out she died. Legitimately the worst day of my life.
He has no respect for my stuff. I grew up poor. I have an unhealthy attachment to things... it's led to some hoarder tendencies. I never want to get rid of anything because I'm afraid I'll need it later and not be able to afford another one. He has bent my bed frame, dented my stainless steel trash can, broke the butter door off my (landlord's) fridge, threw my (work's) laptop and monitor onto me while I was sitting at my desk because I wanted to hang out in the office when we were fighting. It's where both of our computers (plus a TV) are and he always gets the office when we argue and need to separate. He broke my bathroom window (that one might have been an accident). He destroyed my journal - that one fucking hurt. Now my car rearview mirror.
I can redecorate without his fugly furniture. No more giant clunky coffee table or disposable cardboard "dresser."
No more feeling like someone's lowest priority.
Maybe I'll find someone who can actually drive so I won't be responsible for another 24-hour roundtrip road trip within a 3-day period.
Abs would be nice. I know I'm being superficial but it's only because I'm so attracted to him and... I'm really reaching for something positive in this breakup.
I wouldn't hate finding someone who would smoke with me again. Vaping is fine but it's not the same as sharing a bowl. Maybe even someone who can drink with me without turning into a violent raving lunatic.
I'll have free reign of my own home. No more feeling like I can't go into the office because he's holed up in there acting huffy.
My own home office. No more doing calls with my giant headphones to protect client privacy. I can create a cute background for video calls. I can even open up the doors between the office and bedroom so I get good lighting all day.
Electricity costs will probably decrease without his 5 monitors, constantly on PC (gotta seed all those porn torrents), and constantly on Fleshlight warmer humming in the background.
I'll finally be free of nasty-ass hard kombucha breath.
I can go back to the economical option of boxed wine...
I won't feel weird inviting friends over to hang out - like they're invading our (his) space. I won't feel judged by him when they're here. I can invite people he doesn't like.
No more dramatics when I paint my nails or use acetone.
I won't find vapes fucking everywhere around the house.
When I do the dishes (fucking daily) they'll stay clean. No more clearing out a full sink while I wait for my coffee to brew in the morning only to find it full again by the end of the day.
I won't miss the aggressive farting. I'm glad he's comfortable around me but JFC.
Not flushing and leaving the toilet lid open so the cats can get in there.
I can listen to the same songs over and over again without annoying anyone - and I can listen to my podcasts OUT LOUD! I can have music on all the speakers in the house at once!
There's only one bathroom in this apartment. It'll never be occupied when I need it.
He slams a door every single time he closes one.
I can get rid of the cheesy fake flower in a jar he got me for Valentine's Day.
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Breakup Advice.
You can’t stop yourself from having hope. You shouldn't try. Accept what is. Obsessing over not wanting to have hope will only bring you anxiety.
New experiences are your best friend. Start saying yes to things you’ve never done before... when you’re ready. Stay home and cry for a few days if you want to. After you're over the shock and panic, try as many new things as you can. Build your life so big that the grief becomes smaller part.
Get real about your ex. It's natural to romanticize a relationship after it ends. To avoid putting your ex on a pedestal, make a list of everything that bothered you about them and your relationship. Reread it often if needed.
Don't force dating, but don't give up on connection in general. Dating will be fun again someday. Especially for those with BPD like me, reflect on your relationship and use it to make yourself a better person before you put energy into dating someone else.
When you think about your ex, redirect your thoughts to yourself. Focus inward. Think about what you'll have for dinner, a friend you haven't texted in a while, a workout you'll do today.
Don't try to control your emotions. Remind yourself that they are temporary. It's annoying, but this too will pass. Surrender to the waves of emotions and ride them out.
You might fuck up "no contact" with your ex. Don't beat yourself up. Think about how you feel after you reach out to them. Making yourself feel bad doesn't change the past and shame doesn't make you any less likely to fuck up in the future. Let go of pointless browbeating.
There is no timeline for getting over your relationship. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You are responsible for doing whatever helps you move on, but sometimes the only way you can know what makes you feel better is by trial and error.
This advice is adapted from u/Wegmansgroceries on Reddit.
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Absolute Fuck You.
HIM 10:29 PM: YOU'RE FUCKING BROWBEATING ME. THAT'S ALL YOU EVER DO.
Do you want to know how fucking stupid this relationship is? The only reason he put the Challenge on (a season we'd already watched THE WHOLE SEASON at that) is because I was painting my nails so we didn't want to start a whole season of the Challenge that I wouldn't be paying attention to.
I was trying to tell him about my "favorite meme" and he couldn't feign interest. Twice started talking about the Challenge until I finally stopped fucking talking.
Then did it again when I tried to talk about something else. (what?) and wants credit for being able to repeat to me what I said VERBATIM (??)
I tried to talk to this lunatic calmly. I tried to express how it fucking sucks that we're watching something we've ALREADY WATCHED literally so we don't have to pay attention (as evidenced by the fact that he asked me if I wanted to turn it off literally RIGHT when I finished my nails) but can't fucking prioritize me for one minute. He bitches about how I ~don't understand his ADHD~ bro, you never fucking mentioned ADHD until now. As I said to him, YOU CAN PAUSE THE CHALLENGE BUT YOU CAN'T FUCKING PAUSE ME, so maybe give one fuck about what I'm trying to share with you.
Don't stoop. Don't stoop. Don't stoop.
I was being CALM AS FUCK. Truly. He started talking over me and raising his voice. I point this out and he's even more of an asshole.
He also knows I've been ~feeling bad~ the past few days. Still feels the need to be an asshole.
10:36 PM: Now he's in here. In silence, of course. Couldn't possibly say anything about his behavior. Why would he apologize? Why would he ever act like anything but a piece of shit? I've put in a lot of fucking effort today. I've tried to be as direct as possible. I wish I'd said something after the first time he wasn't paying attention to me. I wish I'd been able to, but I wasn't. It hurts that when I finally got it together to be able to say something, he didn't even care — and, in fact, was a huge fucking asshole about it. Should I stay up here? Sh0uld I go get my own wine? Idk. I even mentioned to him that he didn't need to be escalating things — he didn't give a fuck. Typical. He gets to be "Mr. Therapy" until it comes time to actually use the skills he pretends to have.
I ~don't have the willpower~ to not drink a full bottle of wine myself. We'll see, I guess. I intend to stay fully away from him the rest of the night so who the fuck cares. If you weren't an asshole to me I wouldn't have sought alcohol tonight. An excuse? Yes. But it doesn't change that if he weren't as shitty as I am, things would be different. That's why they were with Dan...
12:52 AM: ~SAVE YOUR BREATH~ Don't talk to me and we'll be fine.
What I don't need to say to him because I don't want to start shit: feel free to talk to me tomorrow, but I won't fucking talk to you... so if you don't want to talk to me then when will you fucking leave? When will you follow someone I'm insecure about on Instagram? Why are you so fucking shitty?
FUCKING BYE.
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You know what fucking sucks?
I'm trying to do so much better. I'm putting in a lot of effort. After experiencing CSA, my ability to express myself is just... fucked. I tried to do it calmly tonight and my partner/FP immediately turned hostile. Even after I pointed out that he was escalating things. He again insulted me to my face. He was dismissive. He was defensive. I'm trying my fucking hardest but I can't do it alone.
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Weekly CEO Meeting
How do you feel about us today?
Is there anything you feel incomplete about from this last week that you would like to talk about?
How can I make you feel more loved this week?
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