artsychaosbean

[artsychaosbean]

At this point I feel like im going to go crazy. I don't like hanging out with them anymore I don't like talking to them anymore Rather than joy I used to feel seeing their messages I instead feel dread. This isn't the only issues with R & T They constantly are super sexual, post sexual parts of the novels and sexual fan art and talk sexually about like wei wuxian and lan wangji. I'm asexual, REPULSED Asexual and on numerous occasions have told them this AND told them to keep sexual stuff in private with eachother or in places I'm not in bc I don't want to see or hear it because It makes me personally sick. Thats how I am. Sexual jokes are fine as long as its not explained to me or directed to me. But being blatantly sexual doesn't belong in front of my eyes. I don't need to see or hear that. It adds no value to the conversation and doesn't interest me and instead makes me highly uncomfortable and repulsed. I don't care what other peoples interests are on that topic, I don't care what people do. You do you, I just do not want to know about it bc the thought of it makes me personally sick with repulsion. We can talk about numerous other topics we literally dont NEED to talk about s*x. But they find it FUNNY to talk about it and amusing. T is s*x positive grey-asexual and R is also s*x positive grey-asexual. So you'd think both of them would have SOME understanding even if they can still feel sexual feelings towards people under certain circumstances, they are still part of the community.. so you think they'd be more understanding and accepting about it. But apparently me being repulsed asexual makes THEM uncomfortable bc they can't talk about s*x in private dms with me... Let that sink in real quick PRIVATE DMS WITH ME. nothing stops them from talking about it with literally anyone else and they DO have other friends. T has 8 other friends and R has 12. All of whom are not asexual and are very s*x favorable / positive AND they have eachother. Theres no excuse for putting that on ME. Now if that wasn't bad enough. R (FTM) & T (MTF) are both trans so are all their friends so you think they'd understand dysphoria right? I'm a demi girl, im not always female and not always agender. sometimes I'm even both. Thats how it is for me. R & T will ask my pronouns for the day, which I will tell people to use either / or if my dysphoria isn't too bad that day because some people find they/them hard and I Understand that. T & R will use they/them for eachother just fine they dont have an issue with they/them. But then its a fully they/them day or week for me and I feel a lot of dysphoria they will use she/her even knowing that. On top of that I have extreme dysphoria with my boobas on those days. T will CONSTANTLY point my boobas out and say how much she envies them and how much she wants them and how great they look she will ONLY ever do that on they/them days which makes it feel DELIBERATE. I've tried to confront both issues numerous times to only be brushed off and laughed at taken light heartedly and when I got angry and showed my anger over it they sh*t talked me to other friends. Am I crazy for feeling so upset?

I'm a bit annoyed

So im assuming everyone knows about Heaven Officials blessing, The untamed / MDZS / Grand master of demonic cultivation and Scumbag self saving system right? Well for the longest time I was obsessed and I mean obsessed still am. I tried to talk about it with my friends only to be talked over a lot constantly by half of them and the other half did listen interested but quickly moved on and brushed me off as soon as I finished. My life how I've been treated my values morals and mental health is very similar to wei wuxian. Something I've talked about with my friends and from hearing about the story they agreed on. Now I have two friends ill call them R and T R & T just got into these same shows / novels literally like 1 month ago. R & T then proceed to compare me to every single character that no one else agrees im like. Characters I have issues with how they treat people like Madam Yu. They claim is bc "Shes a bada** female character whos very strong" but I find it offensive bc she also was hella abusive. I have repeatedly said I do NOT like that character and do not like being compared to her. But they still do it and will find any character just as bad or that I dislike and compare me to it.. its starting to feel deliberate and not so innocent since they go RIGHT for the ones I SAY I don't like and the reasons why which are negative reasons, and they will compare me to them literally days later.

#asexual #gender dysphoria #friendship issues

[artsychaosbean]

Now I am in no way an abusive person, ask any of my friends, my family or even my fiance and even some of my ex friends, and they can tell you that, I put my all into everything and am a constant source of support even when its detrimental to my own health, I never start fights, I walk on eggshells and I work my a** off to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy before I even focus on myself and I've been this way my whole life to everyone around me regardless of age. The only time people have been "Angry" at me and called me toxic is when I didn't want to do something and said NO because I felt like it crossed boundaries, or when I rejected someones romantic advances and no longer felt comfortable being friends with them. Or I was called toxic for "Thinking too much about what you are going to say and being careful of other peoples feelings. It makes me feel inadequate and bad for not doing the same when you do it for me" LITERALLY word for word what my last ex said while she was abusing me and telling me I deserved the abuse. THAT is the type of person I am and YES I can be a b*tch if I hate your guts and you have done nothing but hurt me and my friends and family. 

But for me everything is earned, respect, trust and even my ire. But I'm quite patient sometimes more than I should be which has resulted in years of abuse from "friends". But even when people hurt me, Love is unconditional.

With R & T in specific I have stayed up late nights until I've been up for a full 24 hours on numerous occasions taking care of them. I've even stayed up when sick and needing rest when im supposed to be bed ridden, I've forced myself out of bed to take care of them and other friends. (Which usually resulted in me getting even more ill)

Most nights I get 5 hours of sleep because I have to help people all the time bc everything is a crisis. I'm always exhausted, always sick. I have chronic illnesses and disabilities but I still go the extra mile for everyone and they know it. Bc they ASK it of me and get upset if I don't.

So theres no good damn reason to compare me to abusive characters. You see why im so offended by it?

R also constantly keeps acting superior to me all the time over the fandoms looking down on me bc they are the "more dedicated fan" bc they read the fan wikis and are in fan communities im not in. Because I don't have the time for that because im too busy HELPING R & T EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And everytime I think "Okay im going to just say screw it and break off the friendship" as soon as I start being like "hey we really need to talk this is hard to say but it needs to be done" EVERY TIME an "emergency happens" where their anxiety and depression start acting up and then they go on about how no one likes them and how annoying they both are to everyone and how Unloved they feel. And then I cant do it.

I'm a bit annoyed

So im assuming everyone knows about Heaven Officials blessing, The untamed / MDZS / Grand master of demonic cultivation and Scumbag self saving system right? Well for the longest time I was obsessed and I mean obsessed still am. I tried to talk about it with my friends only to be talked over a lot constantly by half of them and the other half did listen interested but quickly moved on and brushed me off as soon as I finished. My life how I've been treated my values morals and mental health is very similar to wei wuxian. Something I've talked about with my friends and from hearing about the story they agreed on. Now I have two friends ill call them R and T R & T just got into these same shows / novels literally like 1 month ago. R & T then proceed to compare me to every single character that no one else agrees im like. Characters I have issues with how they treat people like Madam Yu. They claim is bc "Shes a bada** female character whos very strong" but I find it offensive bc she also was hella abusive. I have repeatedly said I do NOT like that character and do not like being compared to her. But they still do it and will find any character just as bad or that I dislike and compare me to it.. its starting to feel deliberate and not so innocent since they go RIGHT for the ones I SAY I don't like and the reasons why which are negative reasons, and they will compare me to them literally days later.

[artsychaosbean]

I'm a bit annoyed

So im assuming everyone knows about Heaven Officials blessing, The untamed / MDZS / Grand master of demonic cultivation and Scumbag self saving system right? Well for the longest time I was obsessed and I mean obsessed still am. I tried to talk about it with my friends only to be talked over a lot constantly by half of them and the other half did listen interested but quickly moved on and brushed me off as soon as I finished. My life how I've been treated my values morals and mental health is very similar to wei wuxian. Something I've talked about with my friends and from hearing about the story they agreed on. Now I have two friends ill call them R and T R & T just got into these same shows / novels literally like 1 month ago. R & T then proceed to compare me to every single character that no one else agrees im like. Characters I have issues with how they treat people like Madam Yu. They claim is bc "Shes a bada** female character whos very strong" but I find it offensive bc she also was hella abusive. I have repeatedly said I do NOT like that character and do not like being compared to her. But they still do it and will find any character just as bad or that I dislike and compare me to it.. its starting to feel deliberate and not so innocent since they go RIGHT for the ones I SAY I don't like and the reasons why which are negative reasons, and they will compare me to them literally days later.

[artsychaosbean]

Genshin & Star Rail

So, I wonder if anyone else feels this way.

When I first got into genshin I got into it bc it looked interesting. When I stepped into mondstat for the first time though I quickly got this feeling in my heart that felt relief, comfort, it felt magical even. I quickly became attached to the characters in mondstat and eventually Liyue (I have yet to feel attached to any further places. So far I feel nothing for Inazuma and I have yet to reach Sumeru storyline wise, I have explored there and its pretty though) Liyue and Mondstat became home. Genshin became home, Exploring, the events the characters. Everytime I go to my teapot every day just to say goodmorning or goodnight to Xiao, Zhongli, Childe, Diluc and Kaeya. Because they feel like home. Star Rail.. I got into not expecting much just finding it cool and interesting. As soon as Take the journey played the first time I knew I was in trouble and so so quickly I got attached. March, Dan Heng, Himeko, Welt. They bring me so much comfort and Pompom.. The Express became my home again. Why do I get so deeply connected? Im not this way about any other video games except for world of warcraft which Is because it became my home at a younger age when I was going through abuse. But..besides depression and financial troubles everything is fine now. Why am I still getting attached like a child? Why am I like this? I know Genshin and Star Rail will one day end, as will world of warcraft. But I genuinely can say they are games that will hurt to lose. I have a hard time finding peace in the way they give me and finding a sense of home. (And before people tell me to seek therapy I have. Therapy, Medicine nothing works for me because the root of the problem will never be fixed, I can't fix it.) I don't have a home. I have a house..but a house isn't necessarily a home if you understand what I mean. Genshin, WoW, Star Rail gave me that. Little friends puppy island gave me that. A kpop group BTS did too. And so did the untamed a chinese drama. Thats about it. Nothing else beyond those has ever made me fell this way. But they are all things that eventually will end. The untamed HAS ended quite awhile back. I just hope for everything else its still many years down the line. I genuinely love the characters in this world.

#genshin impact #honkai star rail #mihoyo #hoyoverse

[artsychaosbean]

Book names + authors under the cut

Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji- Mo Dao Zu Shi/Grand Master of Demonic Cultivation by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

John Gaius/Augustine the First/Mercymorn the First- The Locked Tomb by Tamsyn Muir

Gideon Nav/Harrowhark Nonagesimus- The Locked Tomb by Tamsyn Muir

[artsychaosbean]

Wei Wuxian: oh wow haha Lan Zhan's shoulder is touching mine hope this doesn't awaken anything in me

Lan Wangji, vibrating at the frequency of light: we shall have a spring wedding

[artsychaosbean]

My friend said that Discussion Conferences should be the MDZS Met Galas

[artsychaosbean]

I have his lightcone, And I Look at it way too often. Listen I have an extra reason to be obsessed with him. If a character reminds me of my fiance, thats it, im obsessed. Though its the wrong color eyes. But feck it hes still close enough. LUOCHA YOU BETER COME HOME TO ME I WILL PULL FOR YOU WITH EVERYTHING I GOT WHEN YOU GET A WARP BANNER. IF YOU DONT COME I WILL CRY.

So, who managed to be lucky enough to pull his 4* LightCone from the banners? (I still haven't btw, sad Overseer is sad)

[artsychaosbean]

sorry been missing for awhile, busy drawing mostly original non fandom content ;;

but here's my another husband

[artsychaosbean]

Can games STOP making men who look like my fiance? This has me really flustered and I need him at all costs.

[artsychaosbean]

*casually leaning my face on my hand in a very sexy way*

[artsychaosbean]

The system has failed us, it IS failing us. The disabled aren't treated like human beings should be. We constantly are on a tight rope where all financial and medical support can be ripped away in a heartbeat when we're doing our best to survive on less than what we need to LIVE. To live without stress and just always have the bare essentials, we don't have enough to even do that even with support. But they take that support away the only thing letting us survive and scrape by. Things need to change, not just in my country but in many others. This isn't a problem only here, even my neighbouring country has issues with their disability system and its sick and wrong. it feels like those in power prey on those of us that need help the most. The elderly, the disabled, the veterans. They prey on everyone, Heck look how LGBTQIA+ and POC people are treated. its sick and its wrong and I will never understand why the world is the way it is. Why it can be so sad and terrifying when theres so much beauty around us when it doesn't have to be this way.

I'm so terrified I don't know what to do

My mother was kicked off of disability for getting "too much money" She was on old age pension and disability. Every single cent went into bills, rent and food and medication for a household of 4. Along with the money I get every 3 months, the money my siblings make off of their freelance careers. All of it went into living expenses.

But we STILL never had enough for a full 4 weeks of groceries, we scraped by on 2 - 3weeks of groceries. We STILL never had enough for our disability diets for mom and I so we ate the least. And we dont have enough never had enough for all the medications we need like my vitamins and supplements for my deficiencies or the medicine for my stomach issues, or mom's thyroid medicine.

Never been able to afford asthma medicine or seizure medicine. Even if it wasn't for her paying for us to live too. It STILL isn't enough to cover just her medications or food. Majority of it goes into bills and rent. Very little is left over for food or medicine which is why I and my siblings chip in to try to help.

But its still "Too much money"? Even when if she was alone she STILL couldn't live off of it? We live in the cheapest house in the area, thats including among other neighbouring towns. We eat UNDER the calorie limit we should be, we never throw a single bit of food out unless its unuseable. We eat like mice nibbling on everything we eat and trying to fill more space with water so we don't eat as much every meal.

So mom was kicked off, and we don't know what we're going to do. Theres no jobs in my town, we cant drive or afford a license much less a car. We cant pay for a daily bus pass for interviews we have no garuntee in passing and getting a job from, out of town and back.

We don't have the ability to save up to do so either and mom and I are disabled we can't work we physically are unable to. My eldest sibling has a screwed up knee, we all have PTSD bc the system failed us when I was younger and left my family stuck in an abusive situation to protect me from being r*ped when I was a m!nor bc its all we could do. We went through years of court cases, and s*xual and physical abuse until I was 14 when the monster died. Then years of stalking and attempted break ins, harassment, by the a**holes family until I was 19 with no one in my town helping not even law enforcement. So we have PTSD, things like ambulances, sirens from cop cars, sirens from fire trucks cause us to have panic attacks. We struggle to be separated bc for survival we never could be. We have flashbacks out of our control. No amount of therapy fixes it. We can't afford therapy anymore either. Yet its being decided we are "Able enough to work" and we make too much money by having just enough to barely scrape by or survive?

The system is so broken, cold hearted and cruel and it NEEDS to change it NEEDS to be fixed. Just because our disabilities are invisible like PTSD and Epilepsy or inconsistant where some days the pain isn't as bad as others or is sporradic like tourettes doesn't mean we aren't disabled.

and my older sibling and I still have dental work to get done. The only place in town that takes people with anxiety is going to charge around 2.5k to do both mine and my sibling's teeth. plus we have to get mom's top dentures fixed and my other sibling needs a tooth fixed. So thats even more. But my one sibling and I can't wait until free dental is in for us in 2025. The dental plan will take too long for us. Our teeth can't wait that long, their's has active decay and mine is in severe pain and worn down from bruxism from tourettes. My whole family needs new glasses but we cant even afford an appointment to get a prescription for them much less afford a pair of glasses from any local shops. What are we going to do? I feel helpless and scared. I'm watching my whole family destroy themselves in depression over the news because they lost all hope in seconds because we CANT get back on disability and theres no hope in this town. Its so painful. All I can do now is try to act like everything is normal and keep myself distracted so I can stay the strong one for them. But im terrified. I'm really terrified. Its hard to even afford pads in my town its so expensive just for a bag of pads. When we have to buy more it means less food. What will I do now? I can't use any alternatives bc of medical reasons, pads are my only option among feminine products. Even if no one can help us, can I please ask everyone regardless of your religion to keep us in your prayers? Just incase it might help. I like to keep hope and believe it would. And even if you aren't religious please send us your good thoughts and energy. I believe the universe will get it to us still anyways. Maybe im being a bit silly but right now I need anything to believe in to get through this. Yknow?

[artsychaosbean]

To make matters worse, they have kicked me off aswell awhile ago, claimed that they have been paying me on disability and wont let me go back on disability UNLESS I get a new disability. develop a new one like its collecting feckin trading cards or something.

They never payed me a cent. I've been on disability prior to being kicked off for 12 months and I never seen a cent. I was supposed to get 500$ every month and never ever did I never seen a PENNY of that money. They never covered my dental or eyecare like they were supposed to hence why I have yet to see a dentist. And NOW they kick me off it AND bar me from it? Because they want to force me into a job when I physically am incapable of it, bed ridden and in pain 25% of the time struggling to manage basic tasks like cooking 50% of the time and barely managing but doing better the other 25% of the time. there's 0 jobs in town. Lets try to put into perspective the situation I'm in, let's do this by levels, say healthy able bodied is a level 4 you can do everything without problem besides like clumsiness or just regular old exhaustion or normal injuries like cutting your hand when cooking or burning yourself. Yknow things that do happen from time to time to anyone. Level 3 is you can do most things without any problem but struggle with some things, you need some minor supervision for some tasks but overall can function on your own decently with few accidents or problems. You might cut or burn yourself or get hurt more often than a level 4. Level 2 is you can do some things without any problem but struggle with most things, But you still need supervision for many tasks and get often injured, hurt or sick in some way somehow. With some accidents and problems. You will sometimes end up with very severe injuries like 3rd degree burns. Level 1 is you have to ask for help all the time because you struggle to do the most basic things like bathe, you might find it hard to even leave your bed, breathing or walking or otherwise any normal function is painful or a struggle for you. With many accidents and problems. You will often end up with severe injuries like a 3rd degree burn if left to do things yourself. I will constantly flip between 1 - 3 im NEVER a 4, I'm RARELY a 3. My average is a 2. I will have maybe 2 weeks per month where im at a 2. 1 week where I'm flipping constantly between a 2 & 3. Then I will have one week where im flipping between a 2 and 1 usually AFTER flipping between a 2 & 3 for a week prior to that. Its so sporradic and so random and can vary in intensity that it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to work a job especially a daily 9-5. I'd say the average healthy person flips between a level 4 and 3 on most days. and then is a 4 others. Now I'm only talking about neurological, physical, and internal problems (like organs or stomach, etc or like permeant internal bruising / trauma to things like ribs, spine, etc) not emotional or mental. Thats another thing, since you can be physically healthy but mentally unwell and that's sadly not taken into consideration when talking about "Able-bodied to work" even though it is very serious and should be and something should be done about it.

But now that all thats explained. Yet they expect me to go to work they expect me to force myself into a job to "prove" I can't work for a year. When I struggle to even get out of a bed many days when a lot of places deny people with tourettes in town when they DID have openings. And now for 10 years theres been no jobs in my town period. let me repeat that 10 YEARS. So they expect me to GO OUT OF TOWN, with the condition I'm in. When my asthma, anxiety, tourettes, ptsd, stomach problems, panic disorder and epilepsy are ALL ON RECORD. Bc I'm not "Disabled enough" despite it. To make matters worse, I know I'm autistic, I know I have OCD and ADHD. I've been diagnosed by online psychologists and psychiatrists on video call after 4 years of weekly sessions and after signs being shown when I was a child and my social worker therapist constantly trying to refer me to a psychologist but the social worker psychologist being misogynistic refusing to help bc mom was a single mother and I was a little girl. and the social workers in general refusing to let my therapist refer me to anyone else. However bc they are out of country (My online psychologists / psychiatrists) they can't allegedly legally put it on record. I Can't afford a private practitioner. So I tried to go to my GP for a hospital psychology refferal. he REFUSES to refer me and just tried to give me a bunch of anxiety medicine instead and won't listen to my concerns. There is NO other GP in town except one other guy and he hasn't had openings for new patients in YEARS because his patient list is so big and booked full he cant take new patients. So I can't even get reffered to a in-town psychologist so I can get a diagnosis on record for things I already have been diagnosed with and know I have.

I'm so terrified I don't know what to do

My mother was kicked off of disability for getting "too much money" She was on old age pension and disability. Every single cent went into bills, rent and food and medication for a household of 4. Along with the money I get every 3 months, the money my siblings make off of their freelance careers. All of it went into living expenses.

But we STILL never had enough for a full 4 weeks of groceries, we scraped by on 2 - 3weeks of groceries. We STILL never had enough for our disability diets for mom and I so we ate the least. And we dont have enough never had enough for all the medications we need like my vitamins and supplements for my deficiencies or the medicine for my stomach issues, or mom's thyroid medicine.

Never been able to afford asthma medicine or seizure medicine. Even if it wasn't for her paying for us to live too. It STILL isn't enough to cover just her medications or food. Majority of it goes into bills and rent. Very little is left over for food or medicine which is why I and my siblings chip in to try to help.

But its still "Too much money"? Even when if she was alone she STILL couldn't live off of it? We live in the cheapest house in the area, thats including among other neighbouring towns. We eat UNDER the calorie limit we should be, we never throw a single bit of food out unless its unuseable. We eat like mice nibbling on everything we eat and trying to fill more space with water so we don't eat as much every meal.

So mom was kicked off, and we don't know what we're going to do. Theres no jobs in my town, we cant drive or afford a license much less a car. We cant pay for a daily bus pass for interviews we have no garuntee in passing and getting a job from, out of town and back.

We don't have the ability to save up to do so either and mom and I are disabled we can't work we physically are unable to. My eldest sibling has a screwed up knee, we all have PTSD bc the system failed us when I was younger and left my family stuck in an abusive situation to protect me from being r*ped when I was a m!nor bc its all we could do. We went through years of court cases, and s*xual and physical abuse until I was 14 when the monster died. Then years of stalking and attempted break ins, harassment, by the a**holes family until I was 19 with no one in my town helping not even law enforcement. So we have PTSD, things like ambulances, sirens from cop cars, sirens from fire trucks cause us to have panic attacks. We struggle to be separated bc for survival we never could be. We have flashbacks out of our control. No amount of therapy fixes it. We can't afford therapy anymore either. Yet its being decided we are "Able enough to work" and we make too much money by having just enough to barely scrape by or survive?

The system is so broken, cold hearted and cruel and it NEEDS to change it NEEDS to be fixed. Just because our disabilities are invisible like PTSD and Epilepsy or inconsistant where some days the pain isn't as bad as others or is sporradic like tourettes doesn't mean we aren't disabled.

and my older sibling and I still have dental work to get done. The only place in town that takes people with anxiety is going to charge around 2.5k to do both mine and my sibling's teeth. plus we have to get mom's top dentures fixed and my other sibling needs a tooth fixed. So thats even more. But my one sibling and I can't wait until free dental is in for us in 2025. The dental plan will take too long for us. Our teeth can't wait that long, their's has active decay and mine is in severe pain and worn down from bruxism from tourettes. My whole family needs new glasses but we cant even afford an appointment to get a prescription for them much less afford a pair of glasses from any local shops. What are we going to do? I feel helpless and scared. I'm watching my whole family destroy themselves in depression over the news because they lost all hope in seconds because we CANT get back on disability and theres no hope in this town. Its so painful. All I can do now is try to act like everything is normal and keep myself distracted so I can stay the strong one for them. But im terrified. I'm really terrified. Its hard to even afford pads in my town its so expensive just for a bag of pads. When we have to buy more it means less food. What will I do now? I can't use any alternatives bc of medical reasons, pads are my only option among feminine products. Even if no one can help us, can I please ask everyone regardless of your religion to keep us in your prayers? Just incase it might help. I like to keep hope and believe it would. And even if you aren't religious please send us your good thoughts and energy. I believe the universe will get it to us still anyways. Maybe im being a bit silly but right now I need anything to believe in to get through this. Yknow?

#Disabilities #tourettes #struggle #fear of the future #physical health #mental health #epilepsy #anxiety #therapy #psychologist #psychiatrist

[artsychaosbean]

I'm so terrified I don't know what to do

My mother was kicked off of disability for getting "too much money" She was on old age pension and disability. Every single cent went into bills, rent and food and medication for a household of 4. Along with the money I get every 3 months, the money my siblings make off of their freelance careers. All of it went into living expenses.

But we STILL never had enough for a full 4 weeks of groceries, we scraped by on 2 - 3weeks of groceries. We STILL never had enough for our disability diets for mom and I so we ate the least. And we dont have enough never had enough for all the medications we need like my vitamins and supplements for my deficiencies or the medicine for my stomach issues, or mom's thyroid medicine.

Never been able to afford asthma medicine or seizure medicine. Even if it wasn't for her paying for us to live too. It STILL isn't enough to cover just her medications or food. Majority of it goes into bills and rent. Very little is left over for food or medicine which is why I and my siblings chip in to try to help.

But its still "Too much money"? Even when if she was alone she STILL couldn't live off of it? We live in the cheapest house in the area, thats including among other neighbouring towns. We eat UNDER the calorie limit we should be, we never throw a single bit of food out unless its unuseable. We eat like mice nibbling on everything we eat and trying to fill more space with water so we don't eat as much every meal.

So mom was kicked off, and we don't know what we're going to do. Theres no jobs in my town, we cant drive or afford a license much less a car. We cant pay for a daily bus pass for interviews we have no garuntee in passing and getting a job from, out of town and back.

We don't have the ability to save up to do so either and mom and I are disabled we can't work we physically are unable to. My eldest sibling has a screwed up knee, we all have PTSD bc the system failed us when I was younger and left my family stuck in an abusive situation to protect me from being r*ped when I was a m!nor bc its all we could do. We went through years of court cases, and s*xual and physical abuse until I was 14 when the monster died. Then years of stalking and attempted break ins, harassment, by the a**holes family until I was 19 with no one in my town helping not even law enforcement. So we have PTSD, things like ambulances, sirens from cop cars, sirens from fire trucks cause us to have panic attacks. We struggle to be separated bc for survival we never could be. We have flashbacks out of our control. No amount of therapy fixes it. We can't afford therapy anymore either. Yet its being decided we are "Able enough to work" and we make too much money by having just enough to barely scrape by or survive?

The system is so broken, cold hearted and cruel and it NEEDS to change it NEEDS to be fixed. Just because our disabilities are invisible like PTSD and Epilepsy or inconsistant where some days the pain isn't as bad as others or is sporradic like tourettes doesn't mean we aren't disabled.

and my older sibling and I still have dental work to get done. The only place in town that takes people with anxiety is going to charge around 2.5k to do both mine and my sibling's teeth. plus we have to get mom's top dentures fixed and my other sibling needs a tooth fixed. So thats even more. But my one sibling and I can't wait until free dental is in for us in 2025. The dental plan will take too long for us. Our teeth can't wait that long, their's has active decay and mine is in severe pain and worn down from bruxism from tourettes. My whole family needs new glasses but we cant even afford an appointment to get a prescription for them much less afford a pair of glasses from any local shops. What are we going to do? I feel helpless and scared. I'm watching my whole family destroy themselves in depression over the news because they lost all hope in seconds because we CANT get back on disability and theres no hope in this town. Its so painful. All I can do now is try to act like everything is normal and keep myself distracted so I can stay the strong one for them. But im terrified. I'm really terrified. Its hard to even afford pads in my town its so expensive just for a bag of pads. When we have to buy more it means less food. What will I do now? I can't use any alternatives bc of medical reasons, pads are my only option among feminine products. Even if no one can help us, can I please ask everyone regardless of your religion to keep us in your prayers? Just incase it might help. I like to keep hope and believe it would. And even if you aren't religious please send us your good thoughts and energy. I believe the universe will get it to us still anyways. Maybe im being a bit silly but right now I need anything to believe in to get through this. Yknow?

#Disabilities #Trigger warning #financial issues #anxiety #tourettes #abuse mention #epilepsy #mental health #physical health #abuse survivor #dysfunctional family #family #struggle #fear of the future

[artsychaosbean]

Just a quick refresher for myself

[artsychaosbean]

Picrews I use for online RPG

 Got into online roleplaying? Your DM needs a character token and you want something else than google-searching random people’s art that may fit your character’s description? Or are you a DM looking for quick NPC tokens and portraits? Try these picrews!

(This is a completely personal post, my intention is to keep these as in-setting as possible so I’m omiting the overly simplistic styles and anime styles, especially that naime ones rarely have decent dark skin tones. I’m pretty sure there are tons of different amazing makers but I tried to cover those with fantasy options)

Special mention:

HEROFORGE - Free 3D miniature model creator for humanoids and anthros Humanoid characters:

Baydews avatar maker V. 2.0 - Supports characters in fantasy settings. Supports heterochromia.

Tiefling maker - Great for characters in fantasy settings, not only for Tieflings!

Djarn’s character maker - No clothing choices for fantasy settings, but it’s a very detailed realistic portrait maker.

Bright’s picrew hell - A bit more cartoonish but has a lot of options for humans and fantasy creatures. Supports heterochromia.

Cute D&D character creator - Something more lighthearted if you want to see your OCs as cute chibis.

Murmur Character Creator - Not many fantasy options but it’s good for creating a nice character portrait.

Dragon Age elf/human maker - For fairly realistic fem elves and humans

The Dragon Prince Elf creator - The Dragon Prince style, elves/elvish characters, has horn options too. No clothings.

Hadingley Hill maker - medieval/renaissance portrait maker

Fantasy Icon Maker - For fantasy characters. Supports heterochromia.

Fantasy icon maker - another nice maker with many options

Fantasy girl - elvish/human fem characters

Fantasy Hero Creator - Simple maker bu has some nicely detailed elements

Female human&elf / Male human&elf - a detailed fantasy maker

Muscular female / Muscular male -  a detailed fantasy maker for buff characters

Fairytale duet M/M | F/F | F/M - Humans/elves, realistic skin tones only.

Mystical elf maker - Cute elf fem portrait maker

Elvish character creator - Elf fem. Limited for realistic skintones but nice clothing and background choices

AATAVEITH CHARACTER CREATOR - Human/elf fem. Natural human colors only but many clothing options.

Mermaid Maker - Fem mermaid or humanoid

Witch Doctor - Fem only

Victorian Steampunk Dressup - A detailed steampunk character maker

Elven Fashion - Fem elf only. Realistic skintones and some nice clothing.

Enchanter Maker - Fema elf/human

Deity maker - Lots of creative options for inhuman characters. Base/lineart only

Makowka character maker II - Not many fantasy option but ir’s a cool maker anyway

Nellseto’s maker - cute portrait maker

Black Centered Picrew - Very nice maker with huge variety of black haistyles

Wervty’s Chime Picrew - portrait

Wervty’s Gasp Chara Creator - waist up character

TTRPG Isometric Token - Full fantasy character token.Base/lineart only

TTRPG Portrait Token - Same as above but for character portraits. Base/lineart only

Sci-Fi fantasy portrait maker - Detailed fantasy and scifi/Star wars themed character portraits

portrait maker - masc postrait, very clean and nice artstyle but doesn’t have option for natural dark skintones

sci fi oc - Star Trek focused character maker

KorinMalin’s icon maker - humanoid portrait maker, natural skintones only

BunnyMoss’s OC Maker - Fantasy character maker

heads n shoulders - Fantasy-oriented, supports heterochromia and colored scleras.

fiammazzurra’s avatar maker - Supports heterochromia and colored scleras.

Nonhuman Creator - Fullbody chibi focused on non-human humanoids.

Cybebully Character Maker - Supports fantasy characters and colored scleras

Boy Time - Masc fantasy characters

A basic demon creator - Horned demonic character creator

Create A Cambion - another creator horned demonic species

Kaiju’s Character Maker - A simple fantasy-oriented maker

over the shoulder - portrait maker with tons of options

RPG Husband Generator - Fantasy-oriented muscular masc portrait

cute chubby maker - not many fantasy options but a good choice for fat characters

NuclearVessel’s OC Maker -  Humans/elves, lots of colorful skin tones.

Windswept Maker - Portrait creator with some fantasy options

Fantasy Character Maker 3000 - Detailed fantasy-oriented maker, but requires some manual adjustments.

KZ’s dolls - nice portrait maker with some fantasy options

Plant’s OC Creator - Nice variety of natural skintones and a few fantasy skintones. More modern clothing.

Androgynous picrew! - Fantasy characters with animal friends.

PotatoLord’s Persona Creator - Nice veriaty of options but no eye color customization.

Kavren Character Creator - Another cool picrew, but there aren’t many fantasy clothing options.

Pixel Fantasy Character - fantasy-oriented picrew for pixelart character portraits.

Mega Fantasy Creator - Extremely detailed fantasy-oriented maker with tons of options.

Forest Fairy - Fem fullbody with a nice choice of fantasy clothing

caramael’s character creator - colored scleras and fantasy-oriented clothing choices

longevity’s icon maker - double hair color options

Mad’s Character Creator 2.0 - Many fantasy options

Casual character creator - Includes unnatural skin colors and a nice variety of black hairstyles

character maker - nice character creator but there are no fantasy outfit options

Ultimate friend’s face maker - No elven ears option but lots of option for skin patterns and bicolor hair

Oldmaker Androgynous Picrew 2 - Newer version of androgynous picrew with more customization.

Fantasy OC Maker 4000 - Fantasy-oriented picrew with lots of customization

RPG Character Maker - Fantasy-oriented picrew

Non-humanoid characters:

Dracthyr Maker - For all your dragons and dragonkin

Dragon PNGtuber Base Generator - Dragon base/lineart only

DnD Frog Maker - Frog people

Catfolk Maker - Cat people

Dragonborn - dragon people

Wolf / werewolf designer - Wolf face portrait with many nice options

Werewolf - fantasy werewolf

Anthro character creator - Various animal people

Dragon -  Dragon base/lineart only

Dragon - Dragon portrait

Ruse’s NightWing Creator - fullbody dragon, dark colors only.

Animals:

Wolf&dog - Fluffy friend custimizable with apparel

felidaze’s cool cat creator - Cats with lots of options

Wolf Maker - simple wolf creator

My Froggie - Fantasy frogs

Mouse Warrior - For all you Mouseguard/Mausritter players!

RATS!! - Realistic rat portrait maker

gay rat maker - realistic fullbody rat with apparel

Mouse Guard Maker - Creator for Mouse Guard characters

Dream Horse Maker - Horses

Cat Maker - Cats

Avian Creator - Birds

Fantasy Bird Creator - birds

Realistic Goat maker - realistic goat with lots of options

serval creator - Serval portrait

kittycat maker (wip) - fullbody cat

horse - realistic horse portrait

Pigeon - Fullbody pigeon maker

Rat maker! - fullbody rat

Rats - Fullbody rat

Gecko maker - fullbody gecko

Doberman Maker - fullbody doberman dog

Fighting Cats - two fullbody realistic cats

Horsesona maker - fullbody horse/pony

natural cat maker - fullbody cat

Horsemaker - realistic fullbody horse

cat maker - fullbody cat

Cat - Fullbody cat with gear

Hoof & Antler - Fullbody deer

Kaylink’s Wolf Maker - old good fullbody wolf maker

Kaylink’s Fox Maker -  good old fullbody fox maker

Create a rat - fullbody rat

Create a cat - cat fullbody, portrait and pelt creator all in one

This is a resource for private online gaming between you and your friends, no commercial/advertisement usage!

[artsychaosbean]

Heres another kicker: > I have asthma attack > Mom gets mad and says "WELL WE ALL HAVE ASTHMA" - despite the fact theirs doesn't need an inhaler according to the doctor it is a "very minor case". I have always needed one but mom never would get me one when I was covered by medical for minors and its too expensive to get as an adult now. I could never ever afford it. Even if I could she still would stop me or throw it out because "I don't want you reliant on medicine because then your lungs wont work on their own. DO YOU WANT TO BE ON A BREATHING MACHINE" To note im in constant pain in my lungs every single day of my life, my whole life. Im in my 20s now. I have found natural ways to manage it so its not as bad such a caffeine and try to avoid as much as I can that irritates it. But im living my life on a thin rope. > I have depression and bring it up > Mom says "We all have depression, You're not special. WHAT ABOUT YOUR SIBLINGS?" >I bring up my anxiety > Mom says "Well what about my anxiety? I have it too! or your siblings. Just learn to live with it, just force yourself through it. You don't Try hard enough. > I bring up my ptsd and ask her not to do something that triggers it from numerous cases of s*xual and physical abuse / assault and 2 cases of almost being r*ped. > Mom says "WELL WE ALL HAVE PTSD get over it"

Shes my ONLY parent. She treats my siblings so much different than me and I will never understand why. Is it because im the youngest? or is it because im the one with physical and neurological disabilities? > Mom also says "I never need to worry about you. Look at your poor siblings they need me more. I gave you enough attention as a child" > The "Attention" mom gave me being fighting a court case to protect me from my abusive almost r*pist father and coming with me on field trips to make sure I didn't get kidnapped. Other than that the only other attention was her parently duty to make sure I didn't die from a high fever when sick. Thats it, my siblings got all the hugs, praise, and personal care, favourite foods made for them, presents and birthday parties as kids. I was expected to help parent my older siblings. I was expected to be the family therapist and emotional support. The middle child of the family was the ONLY one here for me they came to my plays and recitals, they came to my school dances to chaperone, they are the one who celebrated when I came out of the closet as LGBTQIA+ where as my mother and other siblings tried to shame me back into it and change me. I was a burden, a nuisance, I didn't exist unless I was in trouble or needed to pick up her slack. No one taught me to tie my shoes, I can't even if I try. No one taught me how to cook, the internet did. No one taught me to braid my hair, I taught myself. No one taught me how to swim, I still don't know how to. No one taught me art, I taught myself. I was homeschooled through highschool and left on my own. I was set up on a program that was flawed and left alone. My education doesn't span past 5th grade in school subjects. My disabilities were not accommodated, they were silenced and hidden by her or discriminated against by others and she did NOT protect me. I have dyscalculia. I needed help because I couldn't pass math no matter how hard I tried. No one would help me. The middle child of my family tried to but they didn't have the time to always help out because they had so much on his own plate. I raised MYSELF with assistance from the middle child and the internet. I was ABANDONED even if I still had a roof over my head. I was left to fend for myself. So what attention? When you told me to f*ck off for showing you a drawing? When you threw my drawings for you out? The attention of as soon as my fever went down to a level I wouldn't be in danger from you left me to take care of myself when sick? YET YOU WANT TO PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK? F*CK YOU.

I'm so tired of this (Rant)

My mom is sensitive to EVERYTHING unless shes the one doing it. > I Open the windows for air BAD bc its too cold > Mom opens the windows on the same day GOOD even though its colder than before when I tried to > Mom puts on perfume in the bedroom GOOD (2 - 3 squirts of a strong perfume) > I Put on perfume in the bedroom BAD (1 squirt of a medium perfume) > I put perfume on in the bathroom with the bath fan on or window open so the smell doesnt linger STILL BAD because mom will then decide to walk right into the room to put on makeup despite my warning about the perfume. Then rages out about it. > Mom or my siblings puts nailpolish on in the house, upstairs in the living area and uses nail polish remover GOOD > I put on nail polish and use natural oils to remove nail polish downstairs with the door closed to upstairs and the door to outside open to prevent smells from lingering in the house BAD its still too strong i have to go do my nails in the pouring rain or snow instead. > Mom brings flowers into the house into a tightly closed room with poor ventilation, flowers im allergic to, every year despite knowing it effects my asthma GOOD > I bring flowers into the house after double checking she has no allergy to them and keep them in an open room that is well ventilated BAD What the heck does she want from me?! Everytime I do something SHE does its wrong Everytime I do something SHE tells me to do its not enough and I have to go to extreme lengths like do my nails in the snow in winter or put perfume on out in the snow or she goes into a screaming match with me. But she has no breathing problems or headaches when SHE does it, When my brothers do it, when GUESTS do it. (Yes we've had guests put perfume on right in our house) But when I do it and ventilate the house well, suddenly she can't breathe yet can breathe enough to stomp around the house slam doors and scream.

I'm tired of the heat being cranked up in the fall and spring as though its winter and in the summer the AC being turned off and windows opened wide when its 28C out. I get heat stroke at anything above 21C and have lung problems with it my lungs have to work harder because I can't breathe. I always have since I was a toddler. My body runs hotter im supposed to be careful. But im made to suffer the heat every single year my whole life and when I open the window suddenly its "Im freezing im going to get hypothermia" at 20 - 21C When I was a kid she would go out in -15C weather just fine and enjoy walks in cooler weather. I don't know what has happened to her. I've gone to a seperate room before on cooler days (16 -18C) and opened a window, closed the door just so I could cool down and enjoy the air because the other rooms would have heaters on in them and be 26C - 28C and I would be struggling in them. Heres another kicker: > I have asthma attack > Mom gets mad and says "WELL WE ALL HAVE ASTHMA" - despite the fact theirs doesn't need an inhaler according to the doctor it is a "very minor case". I have always needed one but mom never would get me one when I was covered by medical for minors and its too expensive to get as an adult now. I could never ever afford it. Even if I could she still would stop me or throw it out because "I don't want you reliant on medicine because then your lungs wont work on their own. DO YOU WANT TO BE ON A BREATHING MACHINE" To note im in constant pain in my lungs every single day of my life, my whole life. Im in my 20s now. I have found natural ways to manage it so its not as bad such a caffeine and try to avoid as much as I can that irritates it. But im living my life on a thin rope. > I have depression and bring it up > Mom says "We all have depression, You're not special. WHAT ABOUT YOUR SIBLINGS?" >I bring up my anxiety > Mom says "Well what about my anxiety? I have it too! or your siblings. Just learn to live with it, just force yourself through it. You don't Try hard enough. > I bring up my ptsd and ask her not to do something that triggers it from numerous cases of s*xual and physical abuse / assault and 2 cases of almost being r*ped. > Mom says "WELL WE ALL HAVE PTSD get over it"

Shes my ONLY parent. She treats my siblings so much different than me and I will never understand why. Is it because im the youngest? or is it because im the one with physical and neurological disabilities? > Mom also says "I never need to worry about you. Look at your poor siblings they need me more. I gave you enough attention as a child" > The "Attention" mom gave me being fighting a court case to protect me from my abusive almost r*pist father. Thats it, my siblings got all the hugs and care, favourite foods made for them, presents and birthday parties as kids.

#dysfunctional family #parents #family #dealing with anger