bd60mma

[bd60mma]

The Pursuit of Nothingness

The last time I posted musings about my life and my personal insights on depression and anxiety was over a year ago. Few people saw it and even fewer read it, but one individual took the time to message me and tell me that it helped them with their own situation. For that, I am thankful that I was able to help someone else, and sharing part of my story was worth it.

I’m not really sure that any help or inspiration can come from this post, and unlike my last one I have no key takeaways I want to illustrate to people, but I feel like writing a follow up to it anyway, if nothing else as something for me to do while I’m currently bored. Perhaps someone will read this and feel better about their own life, or they’ll gain some additional insight into depression. Perhaps one day after I’m gone people will find this and look to analyze my life, trying to figure out what went wrong or who I really was. Or, more likely, it will fade into obscurity in the far reaches of the internet, as most blog posts tend to do. In any case, if you’re reading this it must mean something to you, no matter how little, so perhaps that’s purpose enough.

I’ll try not to get too bogged down in the details, but if you’ve read anything from me in the past you’ll know I’m a descriptive and detailed writer who isn’t great at summarizing, so continue reading at your own peril. 

A lot has happened since that last post; I officially graduated university, I found my first full-time job, I somehow managed to find a girlfriend (for a while), I bought my first car, I made a close best friend...yet here I am, reminded of a thought now drilled into my mind through experience and constant disappointment:

It can and will always get worse.

There’s a common saying that’s meant more in an optimistic fashion that you’ve probably heard multiple times in your life - “It could always be worse”. It’s generally meant to inspire optimism by pointing out that no matter how bad you feel, be thankful that things aren’t worse. This can be extended to thinking about other people as well that have it worse off than you, something many parents will try and teach their children about. But in my experience, that phrase has turned out quite literal.

Let’s start somewhat chronologically from my last post - shortly after writing it, I officially graduated from the university I had been going to for roughly five years (since I came out of high school). I received a Bachelor’s of Computer Information Systems degree and became the first in my close family to graduate from university (my sister attended but didn’t finish her program). To most people, that would seem like a pretty big accomplishment, especially for someone who always hated school, as it meant I no longer had to step foot in a school ever again. Not for me, however.

I had always hated school, a sentiment that grew from my social anxiety and my general inability to make real friends or act like the person I really am (at least while I was growing up). I disliked the way the majority of classes were taught by teachers, with an emphasis on “grades” which inspired obedience rather than free thought and learning. University was slightly less hated by me than high school, if only because I didn’t have to deal with as many social problems and instead was left alone for the most part. Of course this had both good and bad connotations - other than a few classes which forced people into groups or shudder required presentations, I was able to simply attend class and leave without being forced into many social interactions; however, because of this I ended up making no friends and no real connections through five years of schooling. Of course when I did try and be more social I ended up failing and still didn’t get anywhere with people, but at least I didn’t really know anyone there and therefore didn’t have to worry much about what people thought about me. 

When I graduated from high school, I didn’t go to prom, I didn’t attend the graduation ceremony, I didn’t even take graduation photos at the school. I just wanted out, as much as I may have wished I could participate in those things without being miserable and incredibly anxious throughout. In university, it was more indifference - I didn’t know anyone else who would be graduating that semester, I didn’t even know anyone at the school beyond awkward classroom small talk, so this time I didn’t have anyone bugging me to go to these events or asking me why I didn’t want to. Graduating itself really wasn’t a big deal to me, it was simply something I felt I had to do in order to find a decent job (as I’m far from a physical labourer and don’t have the connections to find a career suitable for me without schooling). If anything, I viewed graduating as more of a failure than a success.

I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t want to have to continue going through life. In my mind I had hoped I’d be long gone by then, and I wouldn’t actually see myself graduating. Instead, here I was, finishing my schooling and moving on to the next step in life, moving past what were supposed to be some of the “best” years of my life. While it felt good to make my parents and family proud of me, to me graduating didn’t mean much and was just another thing I was sleepwalking my way through. I received good grades (I never received anything below a B) throughout yet in the end felt that I had barely learned anything, at least not that was applicable outside of school. Nevertheless, I received my degree in the mail (since I didn’t attend the ceremony) and that was that.

I took some time before I started looking for a full time job, and even took a couple of weeks off of my part-time job working as a web developer (I had been working there for about 4 years and it was entirely virtual, meaning I worked from my computer at home and (mostly) made my own hours), basically the only time I had bothered to take time off during my time there. Instead of partying or going out with friends or taking a trip somewhere, my celebrations consisted of me staying at home, mostly playing Xbox and watching movies. I also bought a 4K TV for myself with money my grandparents gave me for a graduation gift, so there was that too.

After my “celebrations” was the job hunt - first I needed to buy some dress clothes, since the only items in my wardrobe were t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and shorts. Luckily my sister helped me pick out some nice pants and polo shirts, as I had no idea what I was looking for and shopping isn’t exactly my forte. Then I scoured online job sites and LinkedIn, hoping to find something that was local - finding something that didn’t require several years experience was difficult, and finding something that wasn’t in Vancouver (an hour’s drive if traffic wasn’t terrible) was even harder. Luckily, after over a month of nothing, I was contacted by a recruiter to fill a programmer position for a local company. I had my first interview at the recruiting company’s office, and felt like a dunce in my “fancy” clothes, but apparently did quite well in the interview, after which they had me fill out several questionnaires. I was then signed by the recruitment company, who basically promised that they would find a full-time position for me. The owner of the recruitment company actually asked me to wait while he finished up a call, then brought me into his office and said he thought I was perfect for a local position they had just been hired to fill, gave me pointers and set up an interview with the company.

It was all a bit nerve wracking and confusing but I went to the interview with two employees of the hiring company and the recruitment company owner who did a lot of the talking for me. The job was for a health-care application company whose office was about ten minutes away from home, and the people there seemed extremely laid back and casual (no dress code, people brought in their dogs, etc.) and I ended up being hired for a programming position. I was extremely nervous but also happy that I had found a job, and would start in two weeks after I had given notice to my old job. 

Starting at the new job was quite scary for me, as I had never worked in an office (I was used to working virtually, and only ever had to deal with people online or occasionally by phone). The first day I had a severe panic attack in the middle of sitting with my new boss to go over setting up my development environment on my laptop, though luckily I was able to hide it well enough and I don’t think he noticed as he was basically looking at the screen the entire time. I had only had one severe panic attack before, but I’ve had more recently; they’re usually different depending on the person, but for me, I turn very pale, get extremely hot and sweat all over, feel sick to my stomach (though I don’t throw up), I get very dizzy and have difficulty focusing on anything, I feel extremely weak (just walking or even moving is taxing) and my chest hurts, as if I’m about to have a heart attack - a lot of people actually mistake their first panic attack for a heart attack. Unlike most, when I get one of these panic attacks I actually hope it is a heart attack, and try to hide it as best as I can not just to avoid being embarrassed, but also to avoid getting help as long as possible if it happened to actually be a heart attack.

Anyways, it was a bit overwhelming at first, but my boss knew that it was a lot of information to take in so helped whenever I had a question and was very understanding that it would take a while to get used to. The other employees (it’s a small office that we share with a graphics company, a total of around 10 people combined) all seemed friendly, and I liked the job along with the freedom of getting to work some hours at home, plus they provided an extremely powerful laptop to work on so I was happy with it.

As I was getting just used to the new job, my birthday came and went as I turned 23. I hadn’t much cared for my birthday in the last few years - it’s always nice to get gifts and have your family appreciate you, but to me it was just another year passing by, another year of being miserable and failing to accomplish or move toward what I really wanted in life.

And then something completely unexpected happened - I found someone. 

I had been on Tinder along with several other dating apps for years and never actually met anyone (no surprise, most of the people on it are gross anyway) and had pretty much given up hope of matching with anyone who actually cared to talk. I had tried all sorts of different things to try and get to talk to people, but in the end it always came down to girls “ghosting” me if they ever matched or responded at all (depending on the app). The few times I did get a match on Tinder it was either a bot account (every few months there seemed to be a new wave of bots, and until you saw duplicates of the same bio they were easily mistaken for a real account) or it was an accidental swipe by them (I can only assume, as they would un-match virtually as soon as they matched). But one day I did match with someone, and in their bio they mentioned their love of videogames, something that I love too, so I tried a super cheesy videogame pick up line, and to my surprise, it worked.

She actually responded and conversed for more than a few replies, something that was super rare for me to experience on these apps. We had a lot in common and hit it off immediately, and being quite a text-y person (as you can probably tell by the fact I’m writing such a lengthy post on Tumblr) it was really cool to actually find someone who responded quickly and carried on a real conversation. In close to five years of using dating apps I had talked to just a handful of people that actually had a normal conversation for more than a few minutes, and none seemed overly interested in me and ghosted me before long. For about a week we constantly texted each other throughout the day - luckily, texting on the job was fine at my new work so long as I got work done. 

Soon enough conversation moved to actually going out and meeting each other, which I honestly didn’t think would ever really happen - just the fact that she kept talking and seemed interested in meeting me was kind of surreal, given it hadn’t really happened before in many years of trying. She essentially asked me if I’d like to go on a date, and as nervous as that made me, there was no way I could turn down a chance like that. 

Here I was, 23 years old, and about to go on my first ever date. Frankly it was the first time I’d ever even be meeting someone outside of a classroom/work or family setting, and certainly the first time meeting a girl one-on-one. To say that my social anxiety was through the roof is a bit of an understatement, but at the same time, I was also excited and for the first time in a long time I had something I had almost forgotten about - hope. 

I broke the news first to my mom - I had always done my best to skirt around talks about girls with my family, as I always felt uncomfortable and it’s always embarrassing when you don’t even get to talk to the opposite sex yet get asked about dating and stuff like that. When I told my mom I’d be going out on the weekend and I told her it was for a date, I think she was as shocked as I was - happy, but shocked. I basically let her tell my dad to save me more discomfort - telling one of them was more than enough for me.

We decided to first meet at the theatre by her house (she lived in a town right by where I live, about a 15-minute drive from my place) and we’d talk first then watch a movie, and after we’d go for dinner. So, I put on some nice clothes (good thing I had gotten nice shirts for work recently!) and nervously made the trip. I made it to the theatre a bit early (if anxiety is good for one thing, it’s never allowing yourself be late) and being the middle of August during a bit of a heat wave, it was around 30 degrees. I was boiling, awkwardly waiting in the foyer of the theatre, sweatily clutching a pair of tickets to The Hitman’s Bodyguard, staring at my phone in my best attempt to look inconspicuous. Finally it was time and she texted me that she just pulled up, and a few moments later I saw her through the doorway. 

I thought she was pretty in her pictures, but seeing her in person I found her even more beautiful. We nervously said “hey” and she immediately gave me a big hug. It was the first time I’d ever gotten a hug from a girl (not including family of course) and at first I was surprised, but then it just seemed like most of my nervous energy just melted away. We stood there hugging in the theatre lobby for what must have been thirty seconds, talking to each other about how nervous and hot we were. She was 19 and said she hadn’t been on a proper date before (although she did have 2 boyfriends in the past, so I didn’t really understand that) and had anxiety too, and hated the heat as I always have so we had that much in common. We took a seat at a table in the lobby and talked for a while; it was nice to actually talk to her in person, even if I was awkward and anxious. 

After a while we got some drinks and popcorn to share and went in to watch the movie, and later on I asked if she wanted to hold my hand (I’m well aware of the fact that asking is weird but I was nervous so cut me some slack) which she thought was cute. That’s two things already off my bucket list - get a hug and hold hands with a beautiful girl. Later on she rested her head on my shoulder and all I could think was that this was the best movie ever. The movie itself was only decent, nothing special, but I would remember the experience forever.

After that, we went for sushi and had a great time talking, having gotten more comfortable with each other. Later on we went to a nearby Starbucks just to talk in the shade; it wasn’t until they closed at ten that I drove her home. She gave me the biggest hug ever before I left, and at the time it ended up being the best day of my life - it actually felt like someone out there liked me and liked spending time with me, and felt the same way about me as I felt about them. When I got home my mom asked a million questions (especially since I had been gone so long) and for once after doing something social I didn’t feel like it was a waste of time or that I had embarrassed myself.

We kept talking and went out several more times, becoming more comfortable and open with each other, as I would assume anyone does when going out with someone. I even got to experience my first kiss, which was scary as hell. But for the first time in as long as I could remember, I went to bed at night happy, looking forward to the next day; I woke up in the morning with energy, excited to text her and for the next opportunity to see her. 

For the first time in my life, I felt like I actually _belonged _somewhere, that I finally found the place where I fit in the world, somewhere I could actually be comfortable and happy. Even when we went out for dinner in a crowded restaurant, it was like no one else was there - my anxiety was virtually non-existent, my depression was gone, it was a completely surreal feeling. I had always yearned to find someone to spend my time with, to share myself with, to be comfortable with, and I had _finally _found it. It was like life finally made sense to me, someone had finally given me a chance and it turned out I made for a great boyfriend.

I met her mom, and her two sisters; her mom seemed especially happy about her going out with me, as her prior two boyfriends had apparently been “losers” and verbally abusive toward her, so she was particularly happy about the fact that I had graduated from university and had a job and plans for the future. She met my parents as well, and I introduced her to watching fights by showing her clips and GIFs off of Twitter (she loved seeing knockouts) which she got into. We watched UFC 215 at my house with my parents; it wasn’t the best card but we still had fun, and then we went to see the movie IT in a VIP theatre, where the seats are extra comfy and paired in twos and the staff serves you food before the movie starts, which was really fun.

During this time, since I had started my new job I was using my dad’s car a lot (which he was fine with since he drives his work truck during the week) but now that I was seeing my girlfriend (still feels weird to type even now) on the weekends too I knew I’d have to get my own car to be able to do so whenever I wanted, and I had already been looking for a while. I had more than enough saved for a large down payment and I ended up buying a new 2017 Mitsubishi Lancer, with nice rims and a free 10-year extended warranty which I was quite happy with.

After a few weeks of going out we spent an entire day together, going out for lunch and hanging out before I took her to the drive-in theatre - about a half-hour from where I live there’s an old fashioned drive-in that shows multiple movies in a night and you get the audio through your car radio. I used to go with my parents and sister when I was a kid, or sometimes just my dad and I, and she had never been to a drive-in so we made it a date. We smuggled in tons of candy and chocolate from a dollar store and watched two movies together in my new car before going back to her place late at night. I had always dreamt of being able to sleep with someone (as in actually sleep next to them) and I was so happy to be able to. It was and still remains probably the best day of my life. Just getting to sleep next to someone that I cared for and loved spending time with, someone who I felt cared about me and liked spending time with me, was surreal.

I’ve always had trouble falling asleep, since I was a kid; it would usually take me hours to get to sleep, even if I was exhausted. I had been taking a supplement called ZMA that helped me sleep for the past couple of years, and would help me get to sleep within around 15 minutes. But now? I didn’t take anything and after a few minutes cuddling I was sleeping like a baby. By the time I woke up from her alarm the next day, I hadn’t even gotten a full 8 hours of sleep (which I normally need and am still tired after) and yet I think I got the best sleep of my life. Getting to cuddle in the morning with something other than a pillow was like a dream come true.

A few days later, after I had been over at her house watching TV and playing games with her, on the way home at night I had a random thought while driving; if I died tonight I could finally die happy.

It was a fleeting thought as I was driving down the road, something that popped into my head, a slight urge to plough my car into the median (something I often thought but for opposite reasons). I hadn’t thought about suicide since I met her; it was like I was a different person, devoid of my normal depression and anxiety. It was if I was suddenly just normal.

I used to always think of killing myself as a way to end my misery, to no longer have to suffer; and here I was, happy as could be, and the opposite thought occurred, if only for a moment. I could finally die happy. 

It was a passing thought - there was no way I was going to die now that I’d finally found someone, and everything was going perfectly - for once in my life, I was happy. But that thought would come back to haunt me later, not as something that negatively impacted me, but of something I regretted not acting on.

We hadn’t been together for a full month at this point. She had just gotten a tattoo on her calf (she had a couple of tattoos already) and the day after she said she wasn’t feeling great, partly due to her leg being sore. We had planned to hang out at her place that night and that didn’t change, so I went over hoping to cheer her up and make her feel better; I brought her a drink that she liked, gave her a massage while she played her favourite game. I knew something was wrong and it started feeling like she didn’t want me there, but she said she wasn’t feeling good so I figured that was it and maybe she just wanted space. She still kissed me goodbye and gave me a big hug, and texted me the next morning like usual. She had to drive her mom to pick up her truck from repairs and then do some running around in the afternoon so we didn’t talk much that day, but I already knew that she was busy so didn’t think anything of it.

It was a Friday and I had a long and frustrating day at work, but left a bit early to drive to my car dealership (about half an hour away) to install an interior lighting kit that I had gotten thrown in with the deal but it wasn’t in stock when I had bought the car. So there I was and while I was waiting in the lobby, I drafted a letter to her on my phone. I had wanted to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I cared about her; I already did say things like that but since she wasn’t feeling good I figured it would let her know how much I cared and that I’d always be there to help or to try and make things better. By the time the lights were installed (which didn’t work the way I assumed and were kind of a waste), it was about five o’clock and thus rush-hour on the freeway, which I got stuck in. It took about an hour and a half to get home and I just wanted to relax and talk to my girlfriend after a long day.

And then I got home and saw a few long texts from her. She essentially stated she wanted to just be friends and wanted to take time to focus on herself, as she had been in relationships for the last few years without taking a break. She pretty much gave the tired old “it’s not you, it’s me” speech and broke up with me. Via text.

I didn’t even know what to think. Not only did it feel like I was being blindsided, as everything was going so well, but she didn’t even say this to my face or at least through a phone call. I texted back trying to make sense of it all, and wound up just talking in circles with her. One of her reasons was literally that she felt I was “touching” her too much, like with cuddling and holding her hand; despite the fact that she initiated that as well and regularly commented about how she liked that about me, and now all of a sudden she didn’t like it and that was reason to dump me without talking about it. And this came just a couple of days after she had texted me and started talking about sex, wondering why I hadn’t and I quote “tried anything” on her - as if she knew nothing about me and who I am. She had essentially wanted more “touching” and now holding her hand was a big issue?

It didn’t make any sense to me, nor did her answers when I pressed her as to why. I was devastated. I had a full on breakdown. Most people have a really tough time with their first breakup, even if they didn’t go out with the person for long - for me, not only was I upset at being dumped, it felt as if my one chance had been taken away from me, and I had no idea why. 

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. But I texted my now ex to ask if she would at least talk to me in person to hopefully set things straight, which just turned into another fight as she didn’t seem to understand why I was upset at all. But she agreed and so I drove over, thinking of all the things I was going to say. By the time she came out and sat in the car to talk, my mind went blank. I had managed to wipe my tears and stop crying before she came out, but now that I was sitting there with her, I felt like I didn’t even know her. She gave the same lame excuses along with “I don’t know”s and I just shook my head in annoyance and disbelief before I said goodbye and she went back inside. 

She had said she wanted to still be friends but I knew that being friends when I felt something more for her would just be torturing myself for no good reason...but at the same time I had never felt a connection like that with anyone, and I felt like we were so good together I just didn’t understand how it could be over, without me doing anything wrong (she even said herself that I didn’t do anything wrong). Even my parents, who I normally avoided talking about these kinds of things with (especially since being in a relationship was foreign to me, and prior to that when talking about girls I hadn’t even really talked to any, so it was just awkward and uncomfortable) both told me they were there for me and it just seemed like she didn’t want to be with me for whatever reason, and trying to be friends with her would just be making it harder for me.

Deep down I knew they were right; I knew that if she actually wanted to be with me at all, she would still be with me without issue, and if she truly cared she would have communicated properly and wouldn’t have broken up with me by text. But in my misery (luckily my new job was very relaxed and I could work from home, and at the time I was doing testing, very repetitive and simple work, so I said I was sick and worked from home that week, and barely actually worked but did enough that nobody knew) I pushed reality away and instead convinced myself that if we were just friends for a while she would come to her senses and see value in me.

And so we went for coffee and talked, and agreed to just be friends and that’s it for now; it at least made me feel a bit better, to the extent that I could actually eat something and have enough energy to get out of bed for once in nearly a week. And then the cycle began again - we continued to talk almost like we had before, and we continued to hang out - basically the only difference was now I didn’t get to hold her hand or cuddle or kiss her goodbye, but it still felt like there was definitely something more there, and I know I wasn’t just being crazy - I’m used to people not liking me, to people not being interested in me, and that simply wasn’t the case; she gave very clear signals that she liked me, that I know, not just on my own feeling but even by describing things objectively to other people that actually know about this stuff. 

And so stupidly I continued seeing her, and things were pretty much the same; I’d always bring her one of her favourite drinks, I’d surprise her on her breaks at work (which was like a 20-minute drive for me each way just to see her for a maximum of half an hour, but I didn’t care), we went for dinner (and of course I paid for everything, because I’ve always wanted to be able to take someone out and do things with someone), we even went to a big mall near Vancouver (about an hour away) to walk around and go to different little stores there, which I’d normally hate but I enjoyed because it was with her, and I even bought her a couple little things she liked. 

Her birthday was coming up, less than a month after we had broken up; I had already gotten her several little things, including hand-made pins I had found online from her favourite game Bioshock (she loved things like that) that I had mailed to her along with a nice letter since she had mentioned how much she liked getting things in the mail - I had sent her half of the pins I bought, and planned to give her the rest for her birthday. I had planned to take her to “Fright Night” at Playland (an amusement park in Vancouver, Playland had a special Halloween themed event every October where all month long each night you could go to the park, where they had Halloween decorations and haunted houses etc. set up) - she loved amusement parks and Halloween, and hadn’t been to Fright Nights (nor had I) so I figured it was a great plan. I had already told her (prior to breaking up) that I wanted to take her to it, since tickets were for a certain day it had to be planned to fit our schedules; but since I had gotten her other things (including a cool Monopoly collector’s edition of another of her favourite games, Fallout, and several other things that she loved) and given that we were no longer dating, I figured it might not be a good idea, not to mention it was also expensive. 

So I told her maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go out for Fright Night together, but I said I still had gifts for her. She didn’t seem to understand why I said it wasn’t a good idea idea and no longer wanted to (because apparently breaking up with someone shouldn’t change anything?), but said that was fine. I visited her on her birthday and gave her her gifts, which she seemed to genuinely love, and said that it was so nice because people had never really given her gifts - even her family didn’t do much for birthdays and didn’t celebrate much for Christmas either, so she seemed to genuinely appreciate someone who cared and gave her thoughtful gifts. We went out for ice cream at Dairy Queen, and that was when I decided that maybe Fright Night would still be fun to go to, and asked if she’d still like to go and we could find a time that worked, as it was still on for another week or two. Instead, she was going to see her dad the one morning so the night I suggested wouldn’t work; multiple others would have but she said not to bother and essentially got mad at me because I had suggested it and insinuated it was my fault for not wanting to go.

I had just showered her with gifts, taken her out for ice cream, and was seemingly the only person in her life that had cared to give her anything for her birthday that year and yet when I offered something additional she was angry at me for changing my mind on something, and seemed bitter that she wouldn’t get to go (even though I was literally offering to take her). Again confused, we simply moved on and talked about other things. 

Less than a week after her birthday, she came out to my house (which was weird as she didn’t enjoy driving for anything longer than a few minutes, and hadn’t driven to my place before, it was always me going to hers or taking her to my house) and we went out for a nice dinner. We had a great time and then at home I introduced her to the new Doom; she liked metal music and Doom has that kind of soundtrack, plus is insanely violent and fun and she liked that sort of game so I figured it would be fun to play, and sure enough she loved it. We had fun playing but at one point when talking about games she outright called me a dork, and not in a usual playful manner; I quipped “you’re a dork too, I thought you said dorkiness was cute” and she simply replied that “yeah well that was before”. I didn’t even reply, I was just confused as to how something that before someone liked, was all of a sudden a bad thing and used as an insult; she legitimately was insulting me. I didn’t understand but just ignored it and continued enjoying what was a nice night. That ended up being the last time I ever saw her. 

By Halloween, we were still talking regularly throughout the day via text, but she seemed not as interested in talking; nevertheless we still texted, and I mentioned since we were both at home not doing anything, maybe we could hang out and watch a scary movie or something for Halloween. She started talking about how she wanted to go out and go to a bar or something (which was weird, she had never really enjoyed that sort of thing from what she had said in the past, and like me didn’t exactly have many friends to do that with, nor did she drink much and of course I never have) and seemed annoyed that I wasn’t interested, so we didn’t meet up. Then over the next few days, I had texted her a few times and she read my texts but never responded - that was really odd, as she always responded when she got my messages, as did I to hers. When I asked if everything was alright she essentially told me to stop messaging her and said she wanted a break from talking to me. I asked how I was supposed to magically know that if she didn’t at least tell me and she basically said well I’m telling you now so f- off.

So I did, and we didn’t talk for several more days. I sent her one message after almost a week had gone by and asked if everything was going okay, and got no response. I had a bad feeling, and just from my gut instinct decided to look on Tinder - I still had my account and even had it on my phone, though I was hidden and she was my only match, but I kept it because I wanted to keep our old messages (I had even showed her that before, so not like I was secretly using Tinder or something while going out with her). I looked on her profile and sure enough, it had been updated since we had gone out, with one picture being taken just days ago on her profile (I knew that because it was from a concert she went to with her mom on her birthday). And that was what finally broke my self-imposed illusion that this girl actually gave a shit about me at all.

Deep down I knew her excuses for breaking up were bullshit, and that if she wanted to be with me, she would be. She had told me about her prior two relationships, one which had lasted about six months and one about 4 years throughout school; both apparently would treat her like shit, but she always stayed, and her own mother said she was always attracted to the “bad boys” who were losers and not worth being around, which was why her mom was so happy when she had met me. But apparently that was her type; after all, here I was treating her like a princess, being nothing but good to her and yet I wasn’t worthy of a chance or even being told the truth. I confronted her and was angry, leaving several messages, and even still she had the nerve to lie, saying she was just looking for friends (in her own words from talking before, nobody on Tinder is there for friends, only either a relationship or hookups and girls that say otherwise are lying) and then said it was suspicious that I was even looking at Tinder, as if it was me who was untrustworthy. 

We got into a big fight and finally I knew that anything with her was done; I wasn’t going to be lied to anymore and I wasn’t going to let someone use me and treat me like an asshole anymore. It went back to the break up and she said she didn’t give me a chance because she felt I wasn’t worth it. She said I put too much effort in (I had never heard of that, normally it’s not putting in enough effort, and too much effort seems like a very simple thing to address with _communication) _and would text her too much which she found clingy - again, something she never had said before or told me about, and she _always _replied and started conversations just as much as I did - it takes two to talk after all. I was very clear from the beginning that I found communication to be important, and made it clear that because of my social anxiety (something she supposedly understood as she also had anxiety) I had trouble sometimes reading social ques so if she wanted me to do something or didn’t like something, all she had to do was mention it and it wouldn’t be a big issue. From the get go I was very reasonable and responsive; if she told me she didn’t like something she never had to tell me again, quite literally, yet she was blaming me for things that if they were actually a problem, simply telling me would have fixed it, but instead she said nothing then resented me for it. 

Despite calling me all manners of things, to which I said she was sociopathic, because of the amount of vitriol she had towards someone who in her own words did nothing wrong towards her and how she refused to take any responsibility whatsoever for anything she did, as if it was my fault I couldn’t read her mind. Full disclosure - I called her a bitch when I saw her profile on Tinder. I even had the stupidity to apologize for that (not like she apologized for calling me way worse things). Then she had the nerve to call me verbally abusive - I wasn’t the one telling her to go to hell, or calling her all manner of names in every single message, but somehow I was the verbally abusive one. I told her that she legitimately needs help and hope she tries to get it and said goodbye, to which she said she hopes my mental illness (she knew I was depressed and had social anxiety, I had even let her read my last post about it, and ironically she also had depression and anxiety problems) eats me alive and that I’ll die alone because I’d never find anyone else.  

I couldn’t believe I had been so wrong about someone. I felt like an absolute moron for believing so strongly in someone who ended up being everything I thought she wasn’t, everything she said she wasn’t. I couldn’t believe someone I would have done anything for could resent me so much, and all this despite me having truly not done anything wrong toward her, even in her own words. All I had ever wanted was a chance, and when I finally (thought) I had one, I never really did in the first place. 

I am not perfect, and I am not going to say I was, but I was a great boyfriend and person to her. Normally I can look back at situations and find a million things I’ve done wrong or want to do better, but this time, I really couldn’t. Maybe I shared too much at times, maybe I did talk a bit too much, maybe I was trying a bit too hard, but I know that I treated her right, I know that I did everything I could, I know that I was more than generous and caring toward her, and I didn’t deserve to be treated how I was. I went above and beyond, and looking back, she really didn’t reciprocate - I didn’t ask or expect for all that much, but she never went out of her way for me once while I bent over backwards for her and was always there to help with whatever she needed at the drop of a hat.

Funnily enough, I had posted something on Instagram about what I was going through - I didn’t go into specifics, I didn’t tag her or have her name anywhere, and I never really used Instagram but we talked through the app often, and I had something like 10 followers - the only people I know on it in real life are my mom and sister. She had already deleted me on it, and there was nothing derogatory, nor anything that wasn’t true or simply how I felt, yet she texted me telling me to remove it. She seemed more upset that I would post something about the situation than about anything that happened or anything she did, which let me know just how vain she was - especially since she was never mentioned by name or anything specific, and literally no one she knew could even see it (the only people I knew on there that could were my mom and sister, who already knew what happened anyway). 

Ironically if I had wanted to post a picture of us or her I couldn’t have anyway - we never took one. Although I’ve always hated pictures of myself, it upset me after we broke up that after about a month of dating I didn’t have a single picture of her or us together. In fact the only thing I had from over two months of knowing her (dating then attempting to be friends) was a little keychain she had made for me that said “MMA” in a circular disc with some splotches of colour behind it. She liked making little trinkets and keychains from plaster and resin molds, and a few weeks into going out she gave me one. Although I liked it at the time and thought it was sweet, looking back, I had showered her with gifts and spent way more money on her than I should have, and all she had ever given me was a little keychain which she made tons of and was making a batch for herself anyway. I threw it out; I’d rather now have nothing to remember her by.

About a month after I stopped talking to her, I made the mistake of looking at her Instagram (who can honestly say they’ve never done something similar?) and was surprised to already see a picture of some other guy on her Instagram, along with lewd comments back and forth with this person on the picture. She must have really gone out of her way to hide her true self when around me, and at least I can take some solace in the fact that things never went any further than a kiss with her. It wasn’t long after I saw her profile pop back up on Tinder, so who knows how many guys she’s gone through since - can’t say I care about her at all anymore, and maybe she’s found her true calling as a slut, who knows.

Anyway, back to my story.

And so just like that my life was back to normal. No one to really talk to, nowhere I felt I belonged, my hopes dashed and my illusions of finding someone who truly cared about me shattered. Another week I stayed home from work, barely achieving anything, barely eating, sleeping most of the night and day, not bothering to leave the house. Normally I was a master of hiding my misery, but now my parents were genuinely concerned about me, something I hated. Just like that I was back to where I was before I had met her, now even worse, more miserable than ever.

I don’t have many major regrets in life - I have many little ones, things I should have done or shouldn’t have as a kid, minor mistakes I’ve made, and I felt now that meeting her was a mistake. I can’t say that I _regret _my actions, at least not of meeting and going out with her, because there was no way I could have known it would turn out this way or she would be something completely different than what she presented herself as. I thought I had a chance and opportunity to find what I’ve always wanted, and I can’t fault myself for going after that. I regret not sticking to my initial instincts and logic and not cutting off contact with her after she broke up with me, but I also understand why it was so impossible for me to do, because I couldn’t just accept defeat and not try my hardest to keep what I felt was special. 

My biggest regret though was not listening to the voice in my head, that one night driving home from her house. That voice that told me I could finally die happy, right here and now. Somehow, my subconscious seemed to know things weren’t going to last, and for a fleeting moment which was effectively suppressed, it told me that my chance was right then. I could have simply died that night, and would never know depression again. I could have died happy; even if it was bullshit, my happiness was real, and it could have been the last thing I felt, never having to wake myself up to the nightmare that is the rest of my life. That is a regret I will likely have for the rest of my life, as (hopefully) short or as long as it may be. 

Oddly enough, I had managed to find a friend from all of this; someone who I had previously talked to months before, that seemed nice and caring and to be genuinely a good person. We had effectively “friend-zoned” each other (even though we hadn’t met, we had just talked through a dating app) already, mainly because I’ve never been a big fan of kids and her whole life revolved around them, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. Unfortunately through a series of oddities (mostly revolving around texts not going through on her old phone, which she later even showed me) we hadn’t talked in a long time and I thought she had ghosted me. One day I had asked her opinion and thoughts on my situation shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, as she was the only other girl I knew and I wasn’t overly comfortable talking with my parents about it, and I thought she could help me understand things - unfortunately, you can only understand so much about an illogical person.

But through all this we had become friends, and started talking more. She started to help me after I was no longer talking to my ex, and soon we were talking every day. We became best friends, and she still is my best friend to this day; we talk all the time about our lives and help each other get through things, and occasionally meet up to talk in person over coffee (well she has coffee, I have nothing or drink water because I’m weird and hate coffee). So at least I had one good thing going for me in the last year.

After a while, I summoned the courage (mostly at the behest of my best friend) to get back on all the dating apps. It was more of the same of course, but shortly before Christmas, one girl responded to me and quickly seemed interested in meeting me. We hadn’t actually talked much but she said she preferred talking face-to-face rather than through text, which was kind of weird for me (especially since everyone texts nowadays) but I figured I couldn’t say no when someone was actually interested in meeting me. So I decided to take the chance, even though I didn’t know a whole lot about her - I did know she was at least a real person, as she sent me a picture on Snapchat to prove it (I’m sure as hell not getting cat-fished by anyone). 

So I went on a date with this girl, and it went awry pretty much immediately. Despite looking gorgeous in her pictures, and even in the Snapchat one she sent me, she looked quite a bit less appealing in person - it was clearly the same person, but somehow at the same time looked incredibly different. It’s hard to describe properly, but it was as if she had a much better looking sister who was in the pictures, to put it lightly. I still don’t know how she did it, because as far as I know other than Snapchat filters you can’t edit a timed picture through Snapchat, but it was quite off-putting to see someone who didn’t look like their pictures, even if it was seemingly the right person.

Nevertheless, we had dinner together and I felt like I did a pretty good job trying to converse, but it was incredibly awkward. You know the first few minutes of meeting someone, where everything is kind of awkward and you don’t know what to say? It was like that the entire time, because I was asking questions and trying to get her to talk, but she wasn’t being very talkative...something that is incredibly odd given it’s normally me who is more awkward and not very good at speaking to people. We also didn’t have really anything in common, and by the way she talked it would appear she was an alcoholic, which was kind of awkward considering that I have never and will never drink (something she couldn’t seem to get over and kept mentioning). It was not enjoyable but I still did my best and was a gentleman, I paid for dinner and after she seemed to want to do something so we decided to walk around the little mall that was right across from where we had dinner. I didn’t want to but I didn’t want to seem rude and tried to make the best of it, but on the way it just became clear we really didn’t have much in common. By the time we circled back I was counting the seconds to when I’d get to drive home, she gave me a hug and said we should go out again some time...I politely said “Sure” while in the back of my head I screamed “NO” and wondered if she was being serious. I called my best friend and described the date to her (she found it hysterical, though she kept saying sorry I also found it quite funny just how awkward and poorly it went) and helped me with what I’d text to the girl to politely let her down - I didn’t really know how someone could think that went well, but maybe I was more charming than I would have thought possible given the awkwardness of the date. 

She had texted me thanking me for the date and said she had a great time (again I found it odd as to how she could have enjoyed what I found to be thoroughly uncomfortable and awkward the entire time) and I kindly sent her a nice message which essentially boiled down to the fact I didn’t feel we had much in common but had a nice time and wished her luck. 

And that was the last girl I talked to for a while, back to the depths of being ignored on stupid dating apps. Or so I thought - at my job, I worked with only a few other people, one of which is a woman (she isn’t a programmer, basically she’s a project manager). On a new project, I had started working on some website development that needed to be done quickly, and since I had lots of experience from my prior job with web development, they had me take over for the few weeks of work that were needed rather than outsourcing it. This other employee was now working more with me, and I found her to be nice, though a bit weird; she, along with my boss, were the ones that hired me for the company, and prior to this I hadn’t really talked to her besides saying hey in the morning or saying bye when leaving the office, and for a few little things like setting up my employee benefits and such. She is older than me, being in her early thirties, has two kids and is married, and seemed nice enough though.

For the project she would text me through Google Hangouts (that’s how we tend to communicate for this job, and you can get it on your phone or in a browser), and she is someone who works late - she would always come in much later in the mornings, but would stay up late working instead - so I didn’t think much of it when she’d text me later in the evening about work, as that’s when she normally worked. She started asking more about me, and I assumed it was because I was still the “new guy”, and everyone else in the office seemed to know quite a bit about each other so I assumed that was her way of getting to know me. It wasn’t long before she was starting to text me later in the evening and no longer about work, asking me my favourite music and what games I like, etcetera. It started feeling odd to me, and talking with my best friend she joked (at least I thought she was joking) that it meant she liked me. I didn’t think that could be the case, as girls liking me has never really been a thing as you can probably tell, and this one was married with kids, so I figured she was just being friendly and was a little weird.

Well, then it got really weird. She is really into music and several of the musicians/bands she was talking about I had never heard of, so now she was sending me Youtube videos of the songs. I listened to a few seconds of each but didn’t like them, and just found it annoying but she’s essentially my boss so I couldn’t exactly say to stop messaging me, and that’s when things turned weirder. She said that she likes to talk through music and that she was sending me a message through the songs...I didn’t get it, from looking at the titles of them and I didn’t want to sit through the entire songs so I said I didn’t understand, then she said she’d make it more obvious for me...and sent me a song that even I could figure out the message of - it was a song pretty explicitly about sex, and then I realized my friend was right and now I was more uncomfortable than you could imagine. I immediately texted back, cautiously, asking “Uhm I thought you are married?” to which she basically explained her husband is an alcoholic and she’s staying because of the kids, but likes me and I’m “her type” (which is kind of odd, considering she smokes, drinks, seems to be a party person, etc.)...meanwhile I was frantically texting my bestie to ask what in the fuck to say. 

I then went to the fact that I’ve never wanted kids and politely stated that I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is married and has kids, and wouldn’t be ready to deal with that either, even stating I’ve only had the one girlfriend and it was only for a month, so I’d never be ready to be involved with that kind of thing. Not taking the hint, she then said it didn’t have to be complicated and basically stated it would just be for sex, to which I had to basically explain my views on sex and why I wouldn’t be okay with that, to someone who is essentially my boss. Being that I work with her, I couldn’t exactly say that I find what she’s saying disgusting and morally despicable, so that was my best option. She basically said she found that sweet and that it was okay, and said not to worry she wouldn’t be awkward or anything and that it was fine just to be friends, so at least that part was over...or so I thought.

To put it bluntly, while she isn’t unattractive, I find her to be quite gross; she’s married and willing to cheat on her spouse (regardless of excuses or circumstances, if those are even true), wants to hook up with someone she doesn’t even know that well, doesn’t seem to like her kids all that much, and on top of all that smokes cigarettes, which I find pretty gross. And of course, the whole “I won’t be awkward” thing was a lie. She was very awkward from then on, calling me into her office for help even when it was for things that before she would have just texted me for and take only a few seconds to help with. She was coming over to my desk and getting super close to me; when a coworker had a few of us over at his desk to show us something she kept brushing up against me; one time when going into her office I literally saw her pull down her shirt to expose her cleavage right before I came in; and another time she seemingly dropped a pen (why she had a pen on her to come see something on my computer, without paper in sight, I have no idea) by my desk that looked pretty clearly to be on purpose then literally turned away from me and bent over right in front of me, as if that was totally appropriate. I finally had to tell her that I was uncomfortable with her when she was starting to talk about personal things again on Hangouts, and kindly asked that we keep it strictly professional. This was during/just after New Year’s at this point, and she stopped texting me about personal things, but was still being awkward and suggestive toward me at work. I was so uncomfortable at work when she was there (luckily she would work from home quite a bit so that wasn’t every day) that I was considering quitting outright, despite loving everything else about the job. 

My boss and this coworker had been friends for years from work, and she had been with the company for a long time, meanwhile I was someone who hadn’t even been there six months, so if I told someone about it, it would be awkward and uncomfortable as hell for me and probably cause tension in the office. Even though I took screenshots for proof of what she had been sending me just in case, if she said she stopped and it was just the awkwardness around me there’s not a whole lot they could do without seeing it themselves and it would just be hearsay (and given her seniority, if they were going to get rid of someone because of it, it would be me). So here I felt trapped, and she was making the job that I liked dreadful for me. Luckily, I just kept ignoring her and she finally seemed to take the hint, and at that point I was legitimately starting to look for other jobs online. She stopped and the project we had been working on was finally complete (perfect timing) so I was back to working with my boss directly, rather than on a project she was working on, so the problem slowly faded away.

The cruel irony was not lost on me however; here I was, trying as best I could to find someone that liked me for who I am and that enjoyed my company, trying everything I could to find someone willing to give me a chance, and here is a woman that is genuinely interested in me, yet for things I wouldn’t do and who is someone I find morally disgusting. At least I could say a girl honestly liked me I suppose?

A few months later I started talking to someone else online, and we hit it off. She was very text-y like me and we talked all day, had things in common, and was pretty inexperienced like me but was someone who (seemed) to have good morals and be a reasonable and funny person. We even talked on the phone multiple times (I’ve never been good at or enjoyed talking on the phone and am almost as awkward on the phone as I am in person, even though it doesn’t make me nearly as anxious) and I not only enjoyed talking to her but didn’t seem to be overly awkward on the phone either with her, which was a minor miracle in itself.

I asked her out on a date and she accepted - we made plans to go for lunch and then go to a local amusement park by my house (not one with rides or anything, but they have mini-golf, arcade games, batting cages, go carts, etc.). I was going to pick her up first (she lived about 20 minutes away from me) as she liked going for drives, so we could talk and get used to each other before doing anything - then as things got closer, all the plans started to change. First, she said she wanted to see her friend (who lived near me) after our date, so she’d meet me for lunch instead of me picking her up, which I was fine with. We picked a restaurant that she liked, and that was the plan. Then the day before when we were talking about what time we’d meet, she then started saying how she wanted to go to her little cousin’s (I think it was a cousin, can’t quite remember now) hockey game before coming out, and it wouldn’t be over until the afternoon, and with her meeting her friend after, she wouldn’t have lots of time, so she just wanted to do lunch and nothing after. Although it was making me much more anxious (I’m already nervous enough meeting someone, but when plans aren’t set and I don’t know what exactly is happening it makes things much worse) I was accommodating and said that was okay. 

Then the morning of, still not knowing exactly when she’d be coming, I got ready and texted her trying to figure it out, when she basically said she didn’t want to go for lunch when first meeting me (I don’t know why she couldn’t have said so earlier or right away) and even after me trying to explain it wasn’t a big deal, she basically said she’d rather not come out anymore at all. At this point I was getting very frustrated and anxious and didn’t understand, and asked why she’d agree to go on a date if she clearly didn’t want to go, and she basically said she did she’d rather just meet up and talk and not do anything else. I again said that was fine, and she could just let me know where and when to meet me. Then she said she wanted to come pick me up and just drive around or stop at a coffee shop - I didn’t really like this idea, I’m used to being the driver and it felt weird being picked up by a girl on a first “date” but she insisted so I said fine. Eventually she said she was on her way and picked me up, and we ended up going to the amusement park and just sitting outside to talk. It felt awkward but as we started talking more it wasn’t so bad. Of course she had to run so we didn’t talk for very long, and I was back home within an hour. It wasn’t a date, it was just like a quick meeting she seemed like she had been dragged to, and purposely sandwiched between other things that were hastily planned so that she had good reason to escape quickly.

We kept messaging and it didn’t take long for her to say she wanted to be friends but nothing more, as she didn’t “feel” it. At this point I was quite annoyed - she had been flirting with me and seemed extremely interested, accepted a date then basically butchered it and had suddenly lost interest. I called her out on it, saying that she had clearly already decided before even meeting me and I was tired of the same old bullshit from people, making excuses instead of just being honest. She admitted that she got anxious and that was why she kept changing the plans, yet I had already told her about my anxiety and she had explained she had some problems with anxiety as well, and instead of just being honest she made things way worse. She apologized for that and then went into the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse of saying that her ex-boyfriend moved back into town recently and she still thinks she has feelings for him, and that’s why - despite the fact she had said they had dated and she ended up dumping him because she didn’t have feelings for him and that he ended up being pushy, and this was a few years prior. I was fed up and told her exactly how I felt - that she was making more excuses and changing her story instead of being honest, and she was fucking with me in a vain attempt of being nice rather than being truthful, and said I didn’t want to talk to her any more. 

She of course said she was being honest and said I was being immature and she was sorry about changing the plans and all but that I should understand because I have anxiety too. So then, going a little too far, I sent her the link to my previous Tumblr post and said she had no idea what I know or how I felt...the one detailing my anxiety and depression...and said goodbye.

A few minutes later she kept calling me (I ignored them and said I don’t like talking on the phone so stop it, which was true and she knew that) and then she said she was crying and didn’t know and felt so bad. I had just meant to show that to say I didn’t understand anxiety and was being immature was silly, I hadn’t meant to upset her or anything like that, though I can understand how it would upset someone to read something like my post. We talked a bit and she said she really wanted to be friends and I said I’d need time to think about it which she respected, but I knew with how I felt it was just going to end up biting me in the ass.

I talked it over with my best friend and she said I should give it a chance to be friends with her as she could clearly tell I really liked talking to her and it made me happy, but I knew it would just end up with me being hurt as she wouldn’t have feelings for me. After a few days however, and not talking to her during this time, I of course just had to change my mind and try. I told her that I would be her friend and keep talking to her, but I might not really be able to actually see her or hang out, which she accepted and understood.

And so it started again, and it didn’t take long for her to start getting flirty and suggesting she had feelings for me (and it wasn’t just me thinking that, I showed my best friend some of the texts and she thought it was pretty clear too). A week or two later she even came by my house before going to her friend’s (she basically called me a while before and asked if I’d want to hang out, which was kind of out of nowhere but I said yes anyway) and she came in and we played Rocket League together. We had a lot of fun even though she didn’t stay very long, and she gave me a hug when she left. She was clearly giving out mixed signals with the way she was talking to me, and I asked her about it later that night and she said she still just wanted to be friends. I told her that if that’s the case she has to stop with the mixed signals, it wasn’t fair at all and if she didn’t stop I couldn’t talk to her anymore. She seemed to understand, apologized and promised she wouldn’t do it anymore.

It didn’t take long for that to change again, and a few days later she basically invited me to watch a movie with her at her place. By then I had already gotten my hopes up again, because how could I not? She was clearly interested in me, or at least blatantly conveying that, and we talked all day and enjoyed having our conversations. 

And then it fell apart again. I asked her about it and she said she just wanted to be friends, nothing more. I confronted her about how she could say that when she’s been flirting with me and clearly suggesting something more and keeps doing it even after promising not to, and she even acknowledged doing that and apologized. I told her I couldn’t do this anymore, she clearly didn’t understand how hard it is for me with these kinds of things, to which she started pleading with me to still be friends, saying how she loved talking to me and how important I was to her - which again made no sense to me, because if I was this important, and she clearly had feelings for me, why was I not good enough for anything more?

She eventually admitted that she was talking to someone else too and though she has feelings for me, she liked this other guy more. She even stated that I was “perfect for her” but somehow that wasn’t good enough. I had even said how I feel about people who go out with multiple people at once or string people along while talking to someone else, which she had agreed with, and yet here she was doing it. I told her that I didn’t deserve to just be some second choice and that I was done talking to her. She kept apologizing and pleading with me (again confusing as to how I was so important to her if I was just the backup option) and eventually I gave her a choice - either she goes on a real date with me and gives me an actual chance, or I’m done talking to her - those were the two options. She said “fine” and that she’d go on a date, and I clarified that meant she had to stop talking to whoever it was she was talking to, and then that date was off the table. I told her that she made her choice then and to stop contacting me. She again pleaded and I made it clear she had the two options, those were the only ones she had and I was being more than fair, and shouldn’t even be giving her yet another chance. She said she wanted to think about it and so I said to go ahead.

After a few days she went back home to visit her family (she grew up and lived several hours north and only moved near me recently, with most of her family still being up north) and then texted me saying that the whole drive she was thinking hard about things. She basically said that she’s lived her whole life in a small town, is in a city now (compared to the small town she came from at least) and wants to explore life, wants to go on dates that turn out horribly, wants to meet new people, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really get how being in a relationship would somehow hinder exploring life (rather I believe it would enhance it) and why on earth someone would _want _to go on dates that turned out badly I’ll never know. The more she talked the more it sounded like another “it’s not you it’s me” speech. She again kept going on about still wanting to be friends, and after more questions she finally admitted that “although she was probably making a mistake” she still liked this other person more and that was a big factor in her decision. 

Even when she was supposedly being sincere and open, she couldn’t respect me enough to tell me the whole truth unless it was forced out of her. By this point I had enough and finally stuck to my guns and told her I didn’t want to talk to her again, and that was that. She was possibly the most insincere person I have ever met.

After this, any hope I had was pretty much dead. I still tried to talk to new people, but even on the rare occasion I received a reply or two, gone was any excitement or hope that maybe someone was interested in at least talking to me. It was just an inevitability that I would be “ghosted” and now when it happened, it was no longer even disappointing - it was just expected and didn’t make any difference. 

A few months later and I found another girl that was actually replying, and although in my head I was indifferent (I still talked the same as always, and through text I’m more than capable of interesting conversation, in my opinion at least) she seemed extremely interested and was as text-y as I am - rather than short replies as most people text, she would send lengthy paragraphs and even a full screen of text at once, something that I appreciated and reciprocated with long texts of my own (as you can probably tell, I’m a very descriptive writer). After a while I felt some of that hope return - she seemed eager to meet me, loved videogames almost as much as I do, and had a lot of things in common with me. I eventually said “fuck it” and asked her on a date, and she happily said yes. She had said she wasn’t feeling good over the prior few days, so when I asked I said after she felt better, therefore we didn’t have any actual plan in place yet. 

We continued talking, then all of a sudden she stopped even looking at my texts - I had sent one to continue the conversation we were having, and after a day of seeing she hadn’t read it, I sent her another asking if everything was alright. A few more days passed, and again no response, my messages still left unread. One more message and a week passed without response, so I figured once again I had been ghosted. I was frustrated and annoyed - she basically got my hopes up again only to leave me in the dust with no explanation or even a goodbye. 

After just over a week she finally responded and said sorry, saying that she had some “stuff to figure out” and she didn’t mean to ignore me. I told her that it was okay but explained (and we had already naturally talked about how important communication is to both of us) that I have a problem with a lack of communication - if she was going through something she could always talk to me and I would help as best I could or if she needed space that was fine too, but just ignoring me for a week with no explanation just causes me to worry and think the worst and isn’t fair. She seemed to understand and kept apologizing, and we went back to talking like normal. Then later that night, I had figured she had gone to bed as she hadn’t replied in a few hours, only to look (we were talking on Snapchat, as using text messages can sometimes be spotty where I live) and see that she had blocked me. 

No explanation, no goodbye, right after apologizing and then acting like everything was all good again, we went back to having a nice conversation, and all of a sudden I was blocked. She hadn’t even read my last response so it couldn’t have even been something I said. And that was the last time I got my hopes up.

Any hope I had for finding someone was thoroughly killed at this point. Over five years of my life, trying everything I could to find someone, taking other people’s advice on how to start conversations and make myself more presentable, getting my best friend to help me, trying everything I could think of just to try and find someone that liked me for who I am, yet here I am, still alone and without anything to show for it.

I turned 24 in the summer, and like the last few birthdays, it was just another miserable day I didn’t look forward to. All I had ever wanted in life was to find someone that I could share myself with, could spend my time with and love, and that actually liked me back. Unfortunately, that’s not something that can be bought or gifted, and no amount of help would seemingly allow that to happen for me either. 

I had looked forward to my birthday dinner with my best friend - earlier in the year I took her out for sushi for her birthday, and for mine we were going to go to a local restaurant that she really liked but I had never been to. She was and is the only person in my life besides my close family that actually cares about me and likes who I am, and we didn’t see each other much in the last couple months as she had been really busy (she always has a million things going on, polar opposite of me). So she invited me when it fit in her schedule, and on the day of, just a few hours before, she cancelled. 

For the last while before that when she made plans (she always picked the time/day as her schedule was always hectic, which was fine with me) to go for coffee or hang out, something would always pop up and she would end up cancelling. I’d like to think I’m a pretty understanding person - I know she has a full schedule and things come up, but after it happened many times in a row, it was starting to become annoying - she would pick the time and day, and a few hours before she would cancel, and not always have a decent explanation why. I knew that she didn’t do that with other people, and it started to get frustrating especially given how anxious I get just leaving the house, and then to have plans constantly cancelled just made it even more stressful. I said as much and she kept apologizing and we didn’t see each other for quite a while until she made plans for my birthday. Since she was really into birthdays and was excited I figured at least for the hour or two she booked in her schedule to go to dinner with me for my birthday she’d make it a priority this time.

Then of course, a few hours before, she messaged me about how the carpet wasn’t right (her and her boyfriend were moving in to a house and were redoing a room) and that she had to be the one to fix it - the story sounded flimsy at best, especially since her boyfriend could have handled things or we could have just gone a bit later or something after she picked the new one, but nope, she was going to be busy until late that night so that was that. I was extremely disappointed and told her not to bother making plans with me anymore because every single time she just cancels last minute; she kept apologizing and saying she was such a horrible friend and making it into her bashing herself for it, but I was mad and didn’t want to hear it anymore and told her to stop. The best friend I’ve ever had, who always talked about how important I was in her life and talked to me every day, and yet I felt like I wasn’t even important enough to take an hour out of her day to see me for my birthday. 

We continued talking later and I just ignored it, and it basically just went away - we didn’t meet up to hang out for coffee until over a month later. Since then it’s just kind of gone back to normal, every once in a while we’ll go talk for a while in person, and we no longer plan anything much in advance so at least I don’t have to deal with plans being scrapped, which is nice. 

In terms of the rest of my life, I’m still working and like my job, and am saving up to buy an apartment (it’s ridiculously expensive in my area nowadays, even for small and old places). I spend my time watching fights, playing videogames, and that’s about it. I still have dating apps, but I no longer even bother trying to converse with people - I still have a funny and honest PowerPoint presentation I put together to describe myself (and it’s pretty clever if I do say so myself, I have gotten many compliments on it - even if those people aren’t actually interested, they like my PowerPoint) but now I basically use the apps as my version of people-watching since I don’t get out much. I’ll send sarcastic and snarky comments to people based on stuff from their profile for fun, and that’s about it. 

Last week I took some vacation time from work since I had extra days saved that don’t roll over into the new work year. I was happy that I got both Forza Horizon 4 and Assassin’s Creed Odyssey in the same week, and both games are incredible. I played the hell out of both and thoroughly enjoyed them, yet I was still not happy. I sent tons of Snapchat stories to my best friend talking about the games, especially Forza which looks downright ridiculous in 4K (undoubtedly annoying the hell out of her, but she never complained) and bugged my parents talking about it. I always feel the need to tell people close to me about stuff going on or things that I really like, but none of that fills the gaping void in my life, wishing I had someone to really share my life with and to share in theirs. It’s something I can never seem to stop thinking about and wishing for, even when I know that it’s something I’ll likely never have.

At this point, I am resigned to knowing that I’ll always be alone. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I pick myself back up and try again, no matter how much I think someone may actually like me, it makes no difference. I think I’m a good person; I’m far from perfect, but I always try to do the right thing, to do right by other people, and no matter what I adhere to my own moral code, even if it’s inconvenient to do so (something that seems to be a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp nowadays). I’m confident in things I know and things I am good at; I know that I’m intelligent, I’m funny and have a wide range of humour, I’m reasonable and logical, I’m responsible and mature (especially for my age), I’m loyal to a fault, I’m passionate about the things I believe in and enjoy, I’m honest and open, and I’m a caring and compassionate person. But in the end, it doesn’t seem to ever make any difference.

For some reason, it’s never enough. I don’t know if people just see me as not being good enough, or just being unattractive (which I am, but I can objectively say I’ve seen much less attractive people that have no trouble finding people), or just don’t like my personality. It always seems to come down to me just being unlikable, though I rarely get to know exactly why anyone feels that way. The only thing that has ever made me happy, and the only thing that seems to help me with my depression, is the thing I can never actually have, or even get a real chance at trying to acquire. 

And so I go through life one day at a time - I wake up wishing I hadn’t, I go to sleep wishing it was the last time I ever have to fall asleep. I’m stuck in my own purgatory, unable to pull myself out. The best option I have is to simply fade into nothingness and escape to the cold embrace of death, where happiness is no longer even a thought, but neither is depression or loneliness. It is simply nothing - no thoughts, no memories, no dreams, nothing - and that has been a much more enticing existence (or lack thereof) than my own for many years.

But I am chained to life, for I couldn’t bring it upon myself to transfer parts of my own misery on to the few people in my life that I love and that love me. Though in the logical sense my passing wouldn’t make much difference at all to the world, I know my family and my best friend would be devastated to lose their loved one. I see death differently than most because of who I am - for someone who is miserable, for someone who _wants _to die, it is a release; there is no more suffering, no more pain, no more loneliness, no more longing. Though that person may no longer be in your life, they no longer have to be miserable, they no longer have anything bad happen to them, they no longer have to worry about a thing. 

I don’t like to talk much about “deserving” something, at least not when it comes to myself. Life rarely gives people what they deserve, and therefore “deserving” anything in life means very little. I’m not someone who feels entitled to much, and I’m not sure that I deserve to be happy - I’ve seen far greater people than I fail to be happy with their lives, but I’ve also seen far worse who couldn’t be happier. Life is just the way it is, and I’m not sure anyone can rightly judge themselves on what exactly they deserve, but I do think I deserve one thing - death.

I don’t feel I deserve to die because I am a bad person (which I don’t think I am), or because I’ve done something wrong, or even because anyone else wants me dead. No, I deserve to die because that is what I want, that is what I feel is my best option, and because I feel that I am a decent person. I don’t feel that I should have to continue to be miserable and hate life anymore. I’m exhausted and have no more hope left to run on.

Yet here I am, continuing on with my never-ending march toward insanity, dreaming of finally reaching my goal at the end of my pursuit of nothingness.

With my penchant for irony I’ll probably live to be one hundred, but I can take at least some solace in the fact that eventually, somehow, I will be granted my final wish - nothingness.

#Depression #Anxiety #Suicide #Nothingness #Dark #DeepThoughts #MentalIllness #Insanity

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The Pursuit of Happiness

Sharing my thoughts about anxiety, depression, and suicide

Virtually everyone understands the feeling of anxiety, no matter what the source may be; perhaps you’ve experienced it giving a speech at school, or being interviewed for a job, or when expecting bad news to come. Likewise, most people understand what being depressed feels like, at least to some extent; the grief from losing a loved one, the sadness caused by a bad break-up or the end of a friendship, or any other negative event that has impacted your life has probably left you feeling depressed for some amount of time.

However, not many people understand the immense toll depression and anxiety can take when experienced over a prolonged period of time.

I’d like to share some of my experiences with these issues. I am not writing this post to reach out for help, or to bring attention to myself, nor to gain sympathy from anyone. I am writing this in the hopes that it will help improve people’s understanding on some of these important issues, and to learn about some of the signs that someone they know or care about may be struggling and perhaps inspire them to reach out before it’s too late.

The Roots of Depression

A lot of people that haven’t had to struggle with depression (or in extension, anxiety) often think that a traumatic event has to happen in order for someone to fall into depression, but this is often not the case. 

I, for instance, come from a loving and close family: we never had a lot of money growing up, but there was always food on the table and a roof over my sister and I’s heads, my parents were both always around and there to support us and encourage us to do what makes us happy in life, and I’m fortunate enough to have never had any sort of “traumatic event” happen to me (either through abuse, someone very close passing away, etc.)

Despite this, I have been severely depressed for as long as I can remember; the last time I can honestly remember not wanting to kill myself was likely grade 11 or early in grade 12 (I’m currently 22), and even prior to that I had been unhappy. There was no inciting incident, and not even a series of identifiable events that caused my depression.

In my case, my depression came likely as the result of social and general anxiety disorders over a long period of time. 

You may have found it strange that I couldn’t remember when I hadn’t wanted to kill myself, and by extension when I first thought of killing myself - suicidal thoughts are definitely an extreme measure and I think it’s safe to say most people would say that thinking you wanted to kill yourself would be a pretty pivotal moment in your life. But that’s exactly my point - the progression of anxiety and depression is often not clearly identifiable, it is a gradual process that does not have a discernible beginning or end for many people.

Anxiety as a Disorder

When I mention anxiety, it’s important to note I’m talking about a level of anxiety that is not ordinary. Humans, like most organisms, have a natural physical response to perceived danger. Anxiety is this response - it’s a crucial element to an organism’s survival (though made less important in modern society’s relative safety). Therefore feeling anxiety is normal - in small doses it can even be exciting and fun, such as the fear you might experience before going on a roller coaster, or when watching a horror movie. However, the difference between normal anxiety and an anxiety disorder is the activation of this ‘fight or flight’ response even when there is no danger present.

When someone has an anxiety disorder, often they find themselves excessively worrying about things, even if they don’t care about what it is they’re worried about. They’ll also (at least in my case) sometimes exhibit physical signs of anxiety and stress even when their mind is occupied with something else and thus not worried or stressing over something - such as excessive sweating, difficulty speaking (stuttering or fumbling over words, losing your train of thought mid-sentence, etc.), or feeling very hot even in cold conditions, among many other possible symptoms.

As this disorder progresses, the anxiety becomes essentially a constant - the queasy butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling is almost always with you, and other problems like difficulty speaking and blushing or sweating persist even in the most relaxed of settings. It often progresses without someone even realizing they have a problem - often they think it’s completely normal. After someone becomes aware of this however, it often increases the intensity - in my case, particularly when nervous, I visibly sweat on my forehead, making my face look “shiny” as one person so politely remarked. After I realized this in high school, it made me worry about it happening which of course only made it worse.

As is the case with most people with a social anxiety disorder, this anxiety caused me to become increasingly anti-social, which not only made my anxiety worse, it fed into depression. I was uncomfortable around people, thus I tried to avoid people and things that I felt anxious about (which is a natural response, but when that leads you to not having any friends and not doing things that you’d like to do, it’s not a healthy response). 

I also dealt with being teased throughout my life, though I am hardly innocent - I gave just as much as I received right up until my last few years of high school, it was just kind of the way it was for a lot of us where I grew up (not that that’s a good excuse). I’ve never been particularly attractive and have been overweight since I was little (not to the extent of repulsing people by my mere presence or not being able to fit though a doorway, but enough to draw comments). When my anxiety (though I don’t think anyone recognized it as being anxiety) became noticeable, the teasing started becoming more and more frustrating. On top of dealing with being uncomfortable without being teased or annoyed, I now had additional anxiety poured on from being embarrassed on a daily basis. For a time I’d even go home for lunch in high school (my house was a short walk away) so I didn’t have to be around anyone, which ironically I’d then be teased more for.

These problems contributed to my increasing loneliness and feeling of being an outsider, something I’ve struggled with throughout my life.

The Life of an Outsider

I’ve never really found a place where I feel that I “fit in” - I’ve always seemed to be the odd one out, the “black sheep” if you will. Even when I did have friends in school, they never seemed to accept me the same way they accepted other people in their groups. While sometimes it was obvious why (for instance, when I was in middle and high school, I’d often hang out with a bunch of East Indian kids that I’ve known since elementary school, and thus I was the only white kid in the group - something they didn’t let me forget), nevertheless it’s never a fun feeling to be somewhere you don’t feel accepted.

Even now in my own family I don’t always feel I belong. My mom has had OCD since I was born and struggles with depression, so she understands more than most, and my dad, having supported and been with my mom all these years understands the gist of anxiety and depression and is sympathetic; my sister was also recently diagnosed with OCD following her second child, so anxiety and OCD kind of run in my family. 

That being said, being that my problems are directly social and started while I was still very young, I haven’t been able to make the connections and live a “normal” life like they have for the most part. I don’t have a social circle to speak of; I’ve never had a girlfriend or even a girl as a friend that I’ve actually met; I’m graduating from university after 5 years of attending, yet the closest I’ve been to having made a real friend in those years was someone who only saw a picture of my face once after we had already talked for weeks, that I’ve never met and didn’t want to talk to me anymore after a few months.

And then there’s my two little nephews, who are 1 and (almost) 4 - don’t get me wrong, I love them both and want nothing but the best for them, but kids have always made me uncomfortable (since I myself was a kid). I’ve just never been good with kids. My social awkwardness is even more apparent around children, and when they’re around I feel even more like a social pariah, a fly on the wall watching everyone else enjoy life. My family often comments about having kids when I’m older, but I never will even if I did find someone to be in a relationship with.

On top of that there’s having to hide your depression. People hide their depression or anxiety for a myriad of reasons, but often it’s first and foremost to protect those around them or to avoid the embarrassment often associated with mental illness. I can attest to both of those, though embarrassment is no longer really a factor for me personally. 

Wearing the Mask

For me, I value honesty and integrity above all else. When I said something like “I’ll never do drugs” when I was little, I was the one kid who meant it. People often confuse self-love with self-respect, but I think they’re entirely different concepts. I don’t like myself, and don’t think I ever really have, but I’ve always respected myself. I respect that I have a moral code and stick to it even when it becomes inconvenient, something that I think is rare nowadays. I have never wanted to or will ever do drugs, drink, or “hook up” with anyone (I like to think that sex should be between two people that love each other, though I realize it’s not exactly a common belief or practice nowadays, but that’s what I’m sticking to). Although I’ve made my fair share of mistakes in the past, I do my best to treat others with respect and fairness, and to not use people as the means to an end. And I respect others that have different opinions on any of these subjects, so long as they don’t try to force others to conform to their opinions or hurt anyone else.

My values make it especially hard to have to essentially lie every day to the people I care about.

Every day I wake up and go to sleep miserable. I go to sleep wishing I didn’t have to ever wake up again, and I wake up wishing I had died in my sleep. Yet every day I pretend that I’m fine, that nothing is wrong, that I’m perfectly happy. I’ve seen plenty of posts on social media about having a “fake skin” which you put on to hide your depression, and I can tell you it is exactly like that. You put on a smile and positive attitude to prevent anyone else from feeling your pain, to prevent the people in your life from worrying about you. In the end, it’s something that I don’t believe I have much choice in. Letting people know how I feel has not helped me in the past nor present, it does not improve things for me, and it does not benefit those close to me for them to know that I want to kill myself when they can’t do anything about it. Therefore, I stay quiet.

Getting “Help”

I’ve gone for professional “help” twice. I hesitate to call it help because it didn’t do a lot for me and does not help everyone, but I do think everyone that suffers from a problem such as anxiety or depression should speak to a doctor and/or psychiatrist as soon as they can after realizing they have a problem. Many people do improve their situation through therapy, medication, or a combination thereof, and just talking about and admitting there’s a problem does help, even if only a little. Similar to many physical illnesses, I believe that mental illness can be treated much more effectively before it becomes a major issue. That being said, the more severe the depression/anxiety is, in my experience, the less effective the treatment.

Like most people who reach out for medical help, I was put on several different SSRI’s to try and improve things - if you don’t know, SSRI’s are a common anti-depressant that tries to combat depression and anxiety disorders by increasing serotonin. Their effectiveness varies wildly and they can have a variety of side effects that can be severe and long-lasting, even after stopping the medication. Essentially, they’re drugs that mess with the chemistry in your head that can be effective for some people, or make things worse for others. Trying to find one that positively affects you is a pain - I only had to try a few (something I’d never do again) before I found one that at the time seemed to help a bit. Whether it was (or still is, as I still take it) the medication or a placebo effect is another matter, but in the end, when it comes to severe depression most medications don’t do a great job - after running out of faith in my treatment (along with therapy, which unfortunately was not effective for me), I did some research on my own and you’ll find that success in long term patients is spotty at best. The longer someone suffers with severe anxiety and depression, the less likely they are to recover - even your brain physically changes after prolonged depression.

I first reached out to my mom for help after I had graduated high school (I didn’t even attend prom or the graduation ceremony - I pretended that I just wanted to get my diploma and move on because I hated school, which I did, but I did wish I could have gone), and that’s when I went to my family doctor and started therapy and treatment. 

The last time I went for help was a few years later (maybe two years ago now?). I broke down right before school had started again. It had been a long and lonely four months off of university (like every summer I suppose) and I got severely anxious (even for me) to go back for the fall semester. I talked to my mom again, and I will never forget the look on her face when, with tears in my eyes, I told her I needed to talk to my doctor and get help again. She had thought I had been doing better, and I guess the realization that I wasn’t got to her. I think I could literally see my mom’s heart break in that moment, as if she had died a little inside that day. I went for help again but at that point it was really more of the same, and I gave up entirely on getting medical help shortly after.

It may sound like I’m against seeking help for these issues, but I’m far from it. Seeking medical help has shown to help a lot of people, and just because it hasn’t benefitted me much doesn’t mean it can’t help others. It’s important to reach out as soon as you can though; I didn’t and unfortunately still suffer the consequences, though there’s no guarantee it would have made a difference in my case.

The Twisted Circle of Suicide

I’ve always been an intelligent, logical person - in grade 5 I was tested for being ‘gifted’ and had an IQ of 140, I’ve always done well in school despite rarely trying or being interested at all in most subjects, and rational decision-making is something I take pride in - which might make it surprising that I’d want to do something most people would deem illogical.

In fact, intelligent people are more likely to struggle with depression and anxiety disorders and we don’t yet know why. Perhaps it’s natural selection running its course in such illogical and misinformed times, or maybe it’s simply the brain overheating from thinking too much. My favourite videogame series (Halo) actually explores the latter thought, though not many people notice the insight; a main character in the game is actually an advanced human-like AI (artificial intelligence) which has a very short lifespan because as time goes on, the AI essentially thinks itself into lunacy and eventually its own “death” - a surprisingly deep insight into anxiety and suicide. 

The late Robin Williams made a statement in a movie that I heard after his unfortunate suicide a few years back (he died on my birthday no less) that really stuck with me - “…suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem”. It stuck out not only because it rings true for some, but because of the look in his eyes when he said it. Robin was of course acting out a scene from a movie he was in, so it was not his own quote, however his eyes told a story all on their own - the line he delivered felt hollow, as if he couldn’t hide the fact that he didn’t believe it himself. Williams of course brought a lot of attention to depression during his life and particularly after his death, and is possibly the greatest example of the “sad clown” you could find - someone who did their best to make others experience joy and happiness, yet on the inside they found nothing but misery.

It’s this pursuit of happiness which is such a vital part of human nature. In essence, all everyone really wants to do is to be happy. Your dreams, your goals, your wishes, they all generally come down to wanting to make yourself happy. Even if you want to make someone else happy, you do so because them being happy gives you a feeling of happiness. I believe everyone has the right to be happy, so long as they don’t infringe on someone else’s happiness. And therein lies the problem with suicide.

I’ve been trying for years to improve, to make friends, to find something that will change my outlook on life. All I’ve ever really wanted since I was a kid was to find someone that I could love and make happy, that I could be comfortable with and that liked me for who I am. That may sound sappy but that’s truly what I’ve always dreamed of. Unfortunately I haven’t found much success on any front - I've never even gotten to hug someone that isn't family, and I've never even met with a girl outside of class time (in which case the extent of my interaction with them is usually a few awkward words and that's it) - but then the question of will that actually help comes up.

I used to think jealously of people as a kid (as most kids do) - how could someone complain when they have X and Y? I’d kill for that. Now that I’m older, I can apply that same logic to myself. I’ve got family that loves me, a roof over my head, money in the bank, access to a world of information at my fingertips - how could I complain? That’s a question I’ve revisited and have to wonder - what if I did find someone that I love and loved me? What if nothing changed? It’s something that scares me more and more because I honestly don’t know anymore if there is anything that could help.

What happens when no matter what you seem to do, you only manage to feel worse? 

What happens when the last flicker of hope you had fizzles out?

And so continues the twisted circle of suicide; the only way you can perceivably stop yourself from continuing to be miserable will bring pain to the people you care about. But at the same time, you feel that being alive is not helping anybody, thus suicide is actually helping them.

Suicide is selfish. That’s something I’ve heard a lot, even from my family. I actually argued with my grandmother after Robin Williams had passed away, as she had made a comment about him being selfish to do that to his kids. While I completely understood her point - leaving his kids without their father, leaving his family and friends to wonder what they could have done to help him, leaving those close to him to mourn his death - but why should he have to continue to suffer so much.

Most people would agree to go through hell to stop their loved ones from having to endure pain - I know I would. But what about having to endure your own version of mental hell, with no seeming end in sight, for months just to prevent them from the grief of losing you? What about years? Decades?

When does the price begin to outweigh the benefit?

Is sparing your loved ones from grief worth a lifetime of depression and misery?

That’s a question I’ve asked myself many times, and every day the answer seems a little less clear.

I think it’s important to take some of these things into consideration when talking about suicide, and when you judge someone else in general - you never know what someone could be going through.

Final Thoughts

It was difficult to write this piece not because I’m embarrassed or ashamed of my thoughts or who I am, but trying to put together a cohesive “story” to illustrate what I’m trying to say was tough. I know I put in a lot of personal stuff that you may find boring or unimportant, but I felt that was the best way to explain my thoughts. It might seem a little convoluted at times, but so is depression and anxiety, so I guess it’s pretty accurate.

Like I stated above, this is not about me asking for anyone’s help or to bring attention to myself; I just hope that someone that needs to will read this. If my story inspires someone to reach out for help, or to make a change in their life, or to try and help someone they think might be hurting, or even just raises someone’s awareness of mental illness, then I can be proud that I took the time to share. Thank you for reading.

#depression #suicide #suicidal thoughts #deep thoughts #mental illness #end the stigma #anxiety #anxiety disorders #major depressive disorders #life story #happiness #pursuit of happiness

[bd60mma]

I use humour to cover up my seemingly endless sadness

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[bd60mma]

[bd60mma]

#UrijahFaber #California Kid #Urijah Faber #UFC194 #Tupac #Highlights #CaliKid #TeamAlphaMale

[bd60mma]

A Message to Julie Kedzie

A mixed martial arts pioneer retired last Saturday night. Following a highly controversial loss to Octagon newcomer Bethe Correia at the UFC's first event in Brisbane, Australia, Julie "Fireball" Kedzie announced her retirement via Twitter.

It was a surprise ending to a long and rocky career for the charismatic Kedzie, who proved herself a favorite among fans and colleagues alike in the MMA world. She had given nearly 10 years of her life to the sport, having plied her trade inside the cages and rings of a multitude of promotions, from grassroots organizations like HOOKnSHOOT to the defunct EliteXC and ending with her brief stint in the UFC.

I felt compelled to write this piece, to illustrate what she's given to one of her many fans and to thank her for all she's done in the sport, and will continue to do in the future.

When she made her debut in the world's largest MMA promotion, it seemed like she was finally being given her due - a shot in the big leagues.

I was in the crowd that night in Seattle for UFC on Fox 8. Julie was facing a dangerous kickboxer with an undefeated record of 37-0 in her sport, Germaine de Randamie. The Fireball may have been fighting on the undercard, but to me it was the main event.

I had been to two previous UFC events, UFC 131 in Vancouver and the previous Seattle Fox card, headlined by Benson Henderson vs. Nate Diaz. I had seen some of my favorite fighters enter the famed Octagon while in attendance, from Junior Dos Santos to Shogun Rua and BJ Penn. I had experienced Sam Stout send a Vancouver croud into crazed delight with a vicious knockout of Yves Edwards, Daron Cruickshank nearly decapitate Henry Martinez with a head kick, and hometown hero Benson Henderson maul Nate Diaz for five rounds.

But never had I felt the excitement and anticipation of watching Julie Kedzie make her first walk to the eight sided cage.

I have been a fan of Kedzie since I first discovered women's mma several years ago, stumbling upon her epic fight with Gina Carano online. I was instantly impressed with her toughness and will, and was drawn in by her genuine charisma and excited personality. I immediately became a fan of hers, as so many have done after watching that war.

After Invicta FC was born last year, Julie Kedzie made her mark on the broadcasting team as a knowledgeable and energetic commentator, and it has been a pleasure to see her grow into one of the best MMA commentators on the planet. She's always been more than willing to interact with fans on Twitter, responding to all the people she can in between posting pictures of cats, expressing the same enthusiasm they have for talking to her. I will always remember the time she took to watch and share my highlight videos, and the compliments she gave to me.

But it wasn't her kind words or great personality that had me so excited to see her fight - it was her fight with Miesha Tate the previous summer.

I've written about that incredible battle before - how Julie Kedzie shocked the world by knocking Miesha down and nearly out on several occasions, stuffing the dominant wrestler's takedowns and showcasing her beautiful striking, only to get submitted via armbar in the closing minutes.

It wasn't her skill, her technique, her toughness, that left me awestruck: it was her passion.

You could see it as she grimaced after the fight was stopped; not from the physical pain of her over-extended arm, but from the fact that she was so close to winning and had it fall from her reach. It was heartbreaking to see the normally beaming Kedzie so dejected, apologizing to her coaches. You could feel her pain in the pit of your stomach, a small sliver of what she must have been going through.

It was that passion that made her into one of the most lovable and adored athletes in the sport. Her dedication to the sport, even when it seemed to turn its back on her, even when the odds were stacked against her, she persevered, never making excuses or complaining about the cards she'd been dealt. The same passion that oozes through every time she calls a fight during an Invicta broadcast, the genuine love for the sport and the competitors within.

She had achieved something she couldn't have possibly imagined when she started her career back in 2004, simply by stepping into the cage that night. She was stepping into the UFC's Octagon, in front of over 17,000 fans all cheering to watch her perform. She had come a long way from fighting in the Battlequests and Combat Do Fighting Challenges of the world, and that in itself was a sight to behold.

Julie calmly strode to the Octagon, mouthing the words to Florence + The Machine's "Shake It Out" while it blared from the arena's speakers. As she stepped into the cage and raised her hand in the air, I knew it was a moment that I would remember for the rest of my life. Words can't describe the surreal sensation I felt while witnessing the Fireball enter the world famous Octagon, a feeling no doubt shared by many of her longtime supporters.

As disappointing as it was to see her lose a close split decision, I'll always be thankful that I got the chance to see one of my favorite fighters throw down in person. She may have had the infamous Octagon jitters; she may have indeed had the bad weight cut that was later rumored; but she made no excuses, just as she never had before. 

She apologized to her fans for her performance afterward, but she had nothing to be ashamed of. She fought her ass off as she always did, and left everything in the Octagon. 

She may have retired on Saturday night, but she will continue giving to the sport she loves. She will continue to train with her world class teammates, lending her time and dedication to further their careers. I look forward to seeing her further establish herself as one of the premiere commentators in the business, and wish her luck in all her future endeavors, within the fight game and outside of it.

Many years from now, when she's done giving to the sport entirely, she won't be remembered for her skill, no matter how brilliant she appeared at times. She won't be remembered for her record, or for the places she fought in. She'll be remembered for the passion that she brought to the cage. For the people she took the time to accomodate. For the wars that she engaged in for our entertainment. 

Julie Kedzie, I'd like to thank you.

Thank you for the memories you've given me that I'll never forget. Thank you for giving so much to the sport and its fans. Thank you for supporting MMA before I had even heard of it, and continuing to help it grow years later. Thank you for being a superb role model, both in and out of the cage. Thank you for all the blood, sweat, and tears that you've given for our entertainment. Thank you for sharing with us your journey as a martial artist.

But most of all, thank you for the passion.

Follow Julie on Twitter - @julesk_fighter

#Julie Kedzie #Fireball #Retirement #Thank you #Tribute #UFC #Invicta FC #NeverForget

[bd60mma]

Barb Honchak: Tactically Brilliant

Invicta Fighting Championships 7 delivered the action on Saturday night with a stacked card, featuring some of the greatest female mixed martial arts practitioners on the planet throwing down in its hexagonal cage. Several fighters raised their stock in the WMMA world with impressive outings, and two Invicta FC championship belts were up for grabs.

Perhaps the most impressive performance of the night (along with Tecia Torres' utter domination of Felice Herrig), was the technical brilliance of Invicta's Flyweight Champion, Barb Honchak.

Barb entered her first title defense a nearly 2-1 underdog, despite being the promotion's current champion. She faced the surging "Peacemaker", Leslie Smith, who had recently dropped down to the Flyweight division with a mauling of Jennifer Maia, a top-5 ranked fighter in the weight class.

Leslie's unrelenting pace and overwhelming striking game, combined with her improved takedown defense and slick jiu-jitsu, had the MMA world (including myself) believing that it was only a matter of time before the "Peacemaker" held the 125 lb. strap. Honchak, however, had other plans.

The "Little Warrior" was largely known to be a grappler, with great wrestling and an excellent ground game. Her striking, particularly her boxing, had been improving drastically with every performance, most notably in her title-winning effort against Vanessa Porto at IFC 5, and Saturday night was no exception. 

Honchak came out firing in the opening minutes, smothering Leslie's offense with blistering combinations and stifling her opponent's solid kicking game by blasting her with perfectly timed double-legs. Her defense was equally sublime, utilizing great head movement and footwork to avoid Smith's reach, while cutting beautiful angles on her exits after landing varied shots of her own. She played the part of a professional boxer wonderfully on Saturday night, but reminded us she's a true mixed martial artist with beautiful takedowns and grappling exchanges.

Barb had clearly done her homework for the match up. Subtle techniques such as using lateral movement and angles to counter Leslie's squared stance, keeping a high guard upon disengaging to dissuade Smith's signature head kick combo finisher, and capitalizing on Leslie's sweep attempts on the mat all worked in tandem to show off Barb's world class technical ability.

The third round, the one and only round Leslie Smith won on the judge's scorecards, seemed to be the momentum shift that Leslie needed. Many fans expected Honchak to come on strong in the opening rounds, but for Leslie's pace and relentless attack to tire out and overwhelm the champion. 

Everything seemed to be going according to plan as Smith mounted a strong offensive in the middle frame. Taking advantage of Barb's willingness to clinch, Leslie utilized her strong Muay Thai knees and dirty boxing skills to turn the tides. Smith had seemed to find her striking range and was drawing Honchak into extended firefights, all the while stuffing Barb's takedowns and going to work in the clinches that followed. Going into the fourth she had stolen the Champ's momentum and was picking up steam.

But here's where the most impressive aspect of the Little Warrior's game shone through: her intelligence. 

It's easy to say that Barb Honchak is a highly intelligent woman. She has an oft-talked about bachelor's degree in molecular biology, as well as Master's degrees in both ecology and genetics. However, there's a difference between being intelligent in life, and being intelligent in fighting.

There are plenty of fighters that are very smart outside of the cage, but can't seem to implement their knowledge inside the cage (or vice-versa). Take, for example, Mark Munoz. 

Mark Munoz is a very smart and well-spoken person, and is praised for his coaching ability inside the gym. Inside the cage however, he has a tendency to follow questionable game plans and seems incapable or unwilling to change tactics in the middle of a fight. Because of this, he often puts himself in compromising positions or finds himself fighting to his opponents strengths, no matter how poorly it is working out for him. 

Barb Honchak, on the other hand, is absolutely brilliant when the cage door closes. 

Being a "smart" fighter doesn't mean coming in with a perfect game plan every fight, but rather having the ability to change tactics mid-fight to their benefit. These changes could be made to capitalize on an opening their opponent is presenting to them, or to shut down a tool that is working for their opponent. Barb demonstrated this skill beautifully in the latter part of her battle at Invicta 7.

With the third round in her pocket, the Peacemaker came out for the fourth strong and aggressive. Honchak went back to cutting angles for her boxing combinations while Leslie came forward, keeping her out of the extended exchanges that had favored Leslie in the prior frame. She added leg kicks to her arsenal to further halt Smith's forward movement, and after a failed takedown attempt, quickly stepped out of the clinch to avoid Smith's Muay Thai assault. Realizing that she was much more successful in timing double-legs while Leslie pressed forward than she was at gaining takedowns from the clinch, Barb timed a beautiful shot as Leslie stepped onto her lead foot. 

Leslie was able to scramble to her feet shortly after a grappling exchange that saw Barb briefly gain full mount and even the rare "gift-wrap" position, peppering Smith with short punches every opportunity she could. Barb again looked to stick and move from the outside, utilizing inside leg kicks to disrupt Leslie's balance and front kicks to keep her on her back foot, another aspect of her striking game that has gotten better with every trip to the cage. As Smith pressed forward with barrages of punches, Honchak calmly slipped them and looked for the takedown, landing short shots in the clinch and backing out before the Peacemaker had a chance to mount her Muay Thai offensive.

With her opponent likely down 3-1 on the scorecards, Barb continued to pick apart her opponent and weathered the late storm, continuing to showcase more techniques in her arsenal by landing a beautiful spinning back fist as Leslie tried to catch a missed front kick, as well as executing two superb double-leg-to-outside-trip takedowns.

The scorecards were read, and the judges unanimously gave Honchak her well-deserved victory with scores of 49-46 all around. 

It was one of the best title fights of the year, as well as one of the most impressive displays of technique and fight IQ by anyone in MMA in recent memory. Her technical dismantling of one of the toughest and best fighters in women's MMA was truly a sight to behold, and one that will hopefully remove her from the perennial underdog role she's been placed in.

Not only did Barb Honchak solidify her standing as the top Flyweight in the world, but she now finds herself ranked amongst the top pound-for-pound female fighters on the planet.

Follow Barb on Twitter - @BarbHonchak

PS. Look for a new and improved Barb Honchak highlight video in the near future!

#Barb Honchak #Honchak #Invicta #Invicta 7 #Invicta Fighting Championships #IFC 7 #Little Warrior #Technique #Boxing #Kickboxing #Wrestling #Jiujitsu #Skill #Tactics #Fighting #Fight #Leslie Smith #Peacemaker #Fight of the Night #Championship #Champion #title

[bd60mma]

Rising Star: Veronica Rothenhausler

Gina Carano. Cris Cyborg. Miesha Tate. Ronda Rousey. The biggest stars in women’s mixed martial arts’ short history. Their names are synonymous with the sport; mention women’s MMA to a casual fan and one of their names will surely come up. But who is the next superstar to join their ranks? In part 3 of this weekly segment, I will take a look at the skyrocketing career of the “Heartbreaker” Veronica Rothenhausler and why she may be the next big thing in WMMA.

View on my Website!

Power. If there's one word that can describe what Veronica Rothenhausler brings to the cage, it's power. And not just the wild, raw strength that many fighters possess; the one-shot, wake-up-wondering-what-your-name-is type of natural explosive ability that very few athletes enjoy.

Three minutes, twenty-two seconds. The amount of time she has spent inside the cage; three amateur fights, one professional bout, all finished by knockout.

Ten seconds. The combined time in which her last two amateur bouts lasted, her opponents Ashlee Evans-Smith and Noelle Cherry both put to sleep by right handed rockets.

There is no denying that the "Heartbreaker" has shown an aptitude for putting her opposition to sleep, but it's in her ability to deliver such show-stopping power from a simple straight right hand that makes her such an anomaly. 

Dan Henderson. Rampage Jackson. Junior Dos Santos. Vitor Belfort. All of these fighters are known for their exceptional knockout power, but when have you seen them incapacitate their foes with a single straight punch? If their powerful hands can be likened to mortars and atom bombs, Rothenhausler instead possesses a finely tuned sniper rifle for a right arm.

Unlike many of the fighters in MMA that are lauded for their knockout ability, Veronica doesn't earn her victories with wild hooks and looping overhand swings, instead opting to finish her fights with punches straight up the middle.

Her 5'11" frame makes her unusually tall for a woman fighter, a frame that has lent itself well to her sporting endeavors throughout her athletic career. A softball player for most of her life, with successful forays into team sports such as basketball and volleyball, Veronica found her calling in the unlikely form of punching people in the face for a living. And while that tall figure and long reach may be great for sports like volleyball, it's the perfect aid to launch her lethal right hand straight down the pipe to incapacitate anyone unlucky enough to fight her.

Much in the same way as Ronda Rousey continuously dismantles her opponents with her signature Judo armbars, Rothenhausler wrecks her enemies with her piston-like right hand.

Veronica Rothenhausler made her amateur debut in 2011, in a local promotion called High Desert Brawl. The fight turned out to be anything but a brawl; it was more of a one-sided beatdown. The "Heartbreaker" pumped her straight right in the way other fighters pump a jab, dropping her opponent on multiple occasions while mixing in some kicks and combinations on her outgunned adversary. The fight was called just two minutes into the opening frame, Kaitlyn Johnson unable to defend herself from Veronica's onslaught.

Her second opponent, Noelle Cherry, lasted a fraction of that time, knocked out just five seconds into the fight, and you can probably guess what strike felled her.

Most MMA fans' first exposure to Rothenhausler was likely on AXS TV's Inside MMA program, in which they showed Veronica crumple her opponent with a single punch mere seconds into their bout. The finish marked the second straight fight in which Veronica knocked out her opponent 5 seconds into the first round. Ashlee Evans-Smith, her victim, shook her head before the match to wave off Veronica's proposition of touching gloves to start the bout. Unfortunately for Ashlee, that likely shaved off a second or two from her time conscious inside the cage.

A fully extended right hand put Evans-Smith on her hands and knees; Veronica threw a vicious right hook to her downed opponent's jaw, leaving her out cold before a follow up punch slapped her awake and into the clutches of her savior Joe Sullivan, the referee. The video from Inside MMA was uploaded to Youtube and currently has well over 4 million views.

Fast forward to Invicta FC 4, January 5th, 2013. Enter Katalina Malungahu, another highly touted prospect with a reputation for knocking out her opponents, with both of her professional wins coming by first round KO, and all three of her amateur victories stopped by knockout as well. Rothenhausler had switched camps in anticipation of her pro debut, but came into the fight with the same brazen confidence and ferocity that she displayed in her amateur outings.

No feeling-out process was needed: Veronica immediately threw her signature right straight, which Malungahu saw coming and evaded; she pressed forward and slung leather at her foe, landing several blows and forcing Katalina to duck out and run from her oppressor. Several exchanges followed, and again Veronica looked to her patented pistol of a right hand: this time Katalina didn't see it coming. 72 seconds was all it took to put an exclamation point on her pro debut.

Although it's easy to see Veronica as an unbeatable destroyer in the way she has decimated her opposition, there are parts of her game that need to be polished before stepping up against the top competition. This isn't surprising for an athlete with only four matches to her name and just three years of martial arts training (although she informed me that she is an experienced "slapboxer").

While her popping right straight is polished to near perfection, some of her other strikes are awkward and expose her jawline. In her bout with Malungahu, her sweeping hooks often left her head wide open for counters and took valuable time to travel to their target (a byproduct of her lengthy reach). We are also yet to see Veronica put on her back, too often in MMA a chink in a striking specialist's armor.

Those holes in her striking game are likely to be shored up quickly with the recent addition of Duane "Bang" Ludwig to her team's coaching staff. The presence of Muay Thai World Champion Ludwig has already been greatly received by the entirety of Team Alpha Male, who have noticeably stepped up their kickboxing games in recent outings. TJ Dillashaw, Joseph Benavidez, Chad Mendes, and Urijah Faber all showed vast improvements in their respective striking arsenals under the tutelage of the Muay Thai legend, and all in a very short time period with their new head coach.

Surrounded by the world class talent at Team Alpha Male and under the guidance of kickboxing mastermind Duane Ludwig, the 23 year old Rothenhausler is sure to supplement and further enhance her already intimidating striking repertoire in the near future. That striking prowess has already made her the talk of the featherweight division, and has many fans calling for match-ups with the best fighters in her class.

However, much in the same way Rousey had to enforce her armbar dominance against the top tier of the division, the budding prospect will need to maintain her imposing striking game against the upper echelon of the featherweight ranks, as well as those put in her path along the way.

Fortunately for Veronica, the women's featherweight division is notoriously shallow. Beyond the top few fighters of the division, decent featherweights are few and far between. Take a look at the top 10 rankings of any major MMA site, and note that many beyond the top 5 have fewer than 5 pro fights on their resume, and nearly none are recognizable by name. 

Given the lack of depth in her division, the "Heartbreaker" may find herself in a fight against a top level opponent sooner rather than later. But what makes Veronica so intriguing to watch isn't just her potential and future match-ups; it's her unfettered tenacity.

Rarely does a fighter look so focused and hellbent on destroying her opponent. Veronica doesn't simply fight to win; she fights to annihilate whomever is unfortunate enough to find themselves standing across from her in the cage. When the "Heartbreaker" steps foot in a cage, she is no longer the sweet, beautiful woman that fans know and love: she is a cold blooded murderer out for blood.

The animalistic fury Veronica displays in her fights belies the genuinely kind human being she is away from the cage. She is more than willing to go out of her way to talk to fans through social media, and comes across as an enthusiastic and sweet person in interviews, hardly the type you'd imagine cutting down fellow athletes in a mixed martial arts bout. She'll even take time out of her day to answer questions from a random fan on Twitter, with an enthusiasm that almost makes you feel as if she's just as happy about talking to you as you are to her.

But don't let her upbeat personality and good looks fool you; reminiscent of a young Wanderlei Silva, Veronica Rothenhausler steps into the cage looking to injure, maim, and kill.

    Veronica is currently preparing for her second pro bout with Invicta FC against Mollie Estes on July 13th. Follow her on Twitter - @veronicafights

#veronica rothenhausler #veronica #rothenhausler #invicta #invicta fc #invicta 6 #katalina malungahu #mollie estes #ashlee evans-smith #noelle cherry #kaitlyn johnson #knockout #ko #5 second #5 seconds #inside mma #womens mma #wmma #mma

[bd60mma]

Rising Star: Leslie Smith

Gina Carano. Cris Cyborg. Miesha Tate. Ronda Rousey. The biggest stars in women’s mixed martial arts’ short history. Their names are synonymous with the sport; mention women’s MMA to a casual fan and one of their names will surely come up. But who is the next superstar to join their ranks? In part 2 of this weekly segment, I will take a look at the burgeoning career of the "Peacemaker" Leslie Smith and why she may be the next big thing in WMMA.

I'll be the first to admit I wasn't immediately a fan of Leslie Smith. When I first saw her step into the cage at the inaugural Invicta event, she already had two strikes against her in my mind: first, she fought out of the Cesar Gracie Fight Team, of which I have never been a fan; and second, she was fighting one of my favorite fighters, Kaitlin Young.

But just as she wears her opponents down and comes on stronger the longer the fight goes, she gradually tore down my prejudicial view and quickly became one of my favorite fighters, both in and out of the cage.

The "Peacemaker" came into her bout with Kaitlin Young with a 3-2 record, with her only loses being decisions against Ediane Gomes and Kerry Vera. Young, the more experienced veteran, sported a 7-6 record, having fought most of the biggest names in women's MMA, such as Miesha Tate, Gina Carano, and Julie Kedzie, and was considered an easy favorite in their bout.

One of the greatest fights in mixed martial arts history ensued, a battle of attrition and tenacity that easily stole the show and left viewers (and the commentators) speechless. 

After a bit of a slow start, the fight quickly turned into an absolute firefight, with both fighters landing hard shots and having their moments. Their striking styles combined to form the perfect foil to one another, with Leslie's high-volume, aggressive combinations and Kaitlin's precision power striking making the bout all but impossible to score.

In the third round, a furious grappling exchange provided the same intensity as their striking battle: Smith reversed a takedown attempt by Young to land on top; Young attempted an armbar and a triangle from her guard, which Leslie escaped from and ended up in side control; Smith attempted an armbar of her own, which Kaitlin reversed; Leslie fought her way off of her back, fending off punches and knees as she got back to her feet. 

With less than 60 seconds to go in the final frame, Kaitlin's accumulation of leg kicks throughout the bout seemed to take their toll on the battered lead leg of Leslie, a hard low kick to her swollen thigh causing a prominent limp. But the "Peacemaker" charged forward, undeterred by her near-immobile leg while she continued to sling leather at her foe.

Rarely is a fight deserving of a draw, and even more unlikely is the chance of the judges actually calling one. Leslie Smith vs. Kaitlin Young was one of those fights; a fight so close and so difficult to judge, that calling one athlete the victor would seem a disservice to the other. The MMA world quickly demanded a rematch, one that Invicta was happy to put together.

Enter Invicta FC 3, an event that featured the likes of Jessica Penne, Shayna Baszler, and Barb Honchak; but all anyone was talking about was the surefire war in Leslie Smith vs. Kaitlin Young II. Unfortunately for Young, their rematch was anything but a close battle.

Young came out with a noticeably different gameplan, choosing to engage Leslie in the clinch and work her devastating knees. Leslie's new strength and conditioning program held up well, allowing her to fight her way out of the clinch and putting a pronounced "pop" on her strikes that wasn't apparent in her previous appearances. A few blistering exchanges later, the tenacious warriors seemed destined to repeat their fight-of-the-year worthy performance from their first meeting.

A takedown midway through the opening frame soon proved to be the end of that, and a turning point in their battle.

After fending off armbar and reverse-triangle attempts from her opponent, Smith took over, brutalizing Kaitlin's ribcage with thudding body shots and overwhelming her with powerful ground and pound to end the round, nearly sinking in a choke as the bell rung.

Leslie landed heavy shots in the clinch to start the second stanza, putting her foe's back to the cage and teeing off with vicious Muay Thai attacks. Young went for a takedown to try and stop the relentless onslaught, but Leslie instead dropped down with a kneebar attempt. A few scrambles later, Kaitlin found herself on her back, with Leslie again pounding away in her guard. 

A transition into a mounted crucifix spelled the end for Young, who received punch after punch to her unprotected face, her arms trapped and in no position to defend herself. The referee mercifully called a stop to the action, and Leslie left no doubt in anyone's mind as to who the better fighter was that night.

The improvements Leslie showed in such a short amount of time was impressive, but maybe even more impressive was her willingness to put on exciting fights each and every trip she made to the cage.

Smith soon found herself in a bout with a former friend in Raquel Pennington after her original opponent, top 5 ranked bantamweight Sarah Kaufman, fell out due to injury. 

After a slow start, Leslie dominated "Rocky" en route to a one-sided decision. She peppered her foe with brutal combinations, trapping Pennington against the cage as she unloaded power shots on her bewildered opponent, unable to match the pace set forth by the "Peacemaker".

Leslie finally got her fight with Sarah Kaufman, another fight-of-the-year candidate in which words simply cannot do justice (no seriously, stop reading this and go watch it). Smith again showed off her unbelievable pace and tenacity, this time against one of the best bantamweights in the world; the judges, however, didn't see it her way.

A controversial split decision was awarded to Kaufman, leaving Smith (and many folks in the crowd) bewildered. In all honesty, I could have seen the fight going to either fighter, although Leslie had the slight edge in my books. But the L on her record belies the brilliant performance Leslie put on at Invicta FC 5, in a fight that may have propelled her into becoming the next female MMA superstar.

Her style has drawn comparisons to her high-profile teammates Nick and Nate Diaz, and rightly so; her unparalleled pace, relentless punching combinations, and superior grappling are all attributes of the Diaz brothers as well. But there are several key differences that separate Leslie from her Cesar Gracie Fight Team associates, and in my opinion, make her a better fighter.

First and foremost, Leslie has a well-developed and effective kicking game. What makes her stand out from most fighters is her use of kicks before throwing her punches. Whereas most fighters tend to end a combination with a kick (which Leslie does as well; see her beautiful knockdown of Sarah Kaufman for instance), Leslie will often set up her punching combos with a kick. This makes for an easier entry into hand strikes, and is often more effective than a jab as jabs tend to force your opponent away (which would prove counterproductive to Leslie's close-range striking prowess). 

Another addition she has added to the Diaz formula is her strength and takedown defense; where we have often seen the Diaz brothers be manhandled by stronger fighters and taken down at will by wrestlers, Leslie has displayed excellent takedown defense and is surprisingly strong. Even Sarah Kaufman, regarded as one of the most physically powerful fighters in the division, could not overpower Leslie in the clinch.

For all of her aggressive and scrappy tendencies inside the cage, you wouldn't expect her to be such a nice and content person away from the cage. Her nickname, the "Peacemaker" is not a misnomer; Leslie is a proud peace activist and even a self-proclaimed "hippie". She even recently took part in the March Against Monsanto in San Francisco, protesting the highly controversial and unhealthy practices in genetically modified food.

She is also incredibly kind to her fans, sending out autographed pictures to anyone that asks for one over social media and even sending out a copy of her documentary, Fight For It, to one lucky fan that made her a tribute video (that fan *may* be the writer of this article).

This juxtaposition of such opposite character traits is what makes Leslie so endearing to fans and fellow fighters alike. A cage fighter that gives everything she has into each performance, and a peaceful humanitarian that promotes peace and fairness.

If those aren't the makings of a superstar, then I don't know what are.

Fight For It Documentary

Leslie Smith is currently preparing to make her flyweight (125 lbs) debut at the upcoming Invicta FC 6 event on July 13th, 2013 against Jennifer Maia. Follow her on Twitter - @LeslieSmith_GF

#leslie smith #peacemaker #invicta #invicta fc #invicta 6 #star #rising #ufc #bantamweight #flyweight #fight of the year #sarah kaufman #fight for it #documentary #kaitlin young #raquel pennington #cesar gracie #exciting

[bd60mma]

The Most Exciting Fighters in Women's MMA by Weight Class

There is nothing better than watching a fighter that puts it all on the line and goes to war every time they step into the cage. Whether it be a stand up brawler, a grappling expert, or a well rounded badass, these are my picks for the most exciting fighters in women’s mixed martial arts today in each weight class.

Atomweight (105) - Michelle Waterson

The “Karate Hottie” is one of the most dynamic fighters in the game, using her karate background to display a variety of rarely-seen kicking techniques, such as side kicks, oblique kicks, and even axe kicks. Although primarily a striker, she is also a very skilled and exciting submission artist, recently capturing the Invicta FC Atomweight title from gifted grappler Jessica Penne in an incredible come-from-behind submission victory. Although Michelle found a lot of success in the striking department against Penne, and was holding her own on the ground, she was outwrestled for much of the fight before locking up a 4th round armbar in dramatic fashion. Her beautiful snapping jab to Penne’s face while she looked to stand up after a failed takedown attempt is a perfect example of the kind of improvised and unique techniques Waterson brings to the table. Look for her to defend her new title at an upcoming Invicta event in the future.

Invicta FC 5 Highlights

Strawweight (115) - Tecia Torres

A seemingly endless ball of energy, the talented Tecia Torres employs a sprawl-and-brawl gameplan to dominate her opponents on the feet. Earning the “Tiny Tornado” nickname in her amateur career from her small stature and her use of spinning techniques, the undefeated prospect utilizes her incredible speed and footwork to throw powerful striking combinations past her opponent’s guard and precise side kicks and counters to keep her foes from retaliating upon her exit. Her domination of the highly touted Paige VanZant showcased her Vitor Belfort-esque rushing attacks as well as her solid grappling and takedown defense, making her a scary proposition for anyone to face her at 115 pounds. She recently made her pro kickboxing debut as well, destroying her opponent in the opening frame without even breaking a sweat. Tecia’s next bout has fight of the year written all over it, as she takes on fellow undefeated prospect “Thug” Rose Namajunas at Invicta FC 6 in July.

The “Tiny Tornado” Tribute

Flyweight (125) - Leslie Smith

Although all of her fights have been in the 135 lb. weight class, the “Peacemaker” is making her Flyweight debut at the next Invicta event, saving me from the task of choosing between her and Miesha Tate for the most exciting Bantamweight. Leslie has already earned herself two Fight of the Night bonuses in only four fights under the Invicta banner, with her Fight of the Year candidate with Kaitlin Young coming at their inaugural event. Training out of the Cesar Gracie Fight Team, Smith’s exciting style immediately calls comparisons to the Diaz brothers, but with the addition of a strong kicking game and superior wrestling ability making her even more lethal. Leslie’s toughness and brawling style made for the perfect fight with former Strikeforce Champion Sarah Kaufman in her last outing, a clear Fight of the Year contender already in 2013. The thrilling three round war consisted of blistering exchanges of punches, kicks, knees, and even had Leslie drop Kaufman with a beautiful head kick that nearly had her finished; however, Leslie unfortunately lost a controversial judge’s decision. Look for her to bounce back at Invicta FC 6 against Jennifer Maia.

The “Peacemaker” Tribute

Bantamweight (135) - Miesha Tate

Miesha Tate used to be known as a pure wrestler with good grappling skills, but not an especially captivating force inside the cage. That all changed when she met Ronda Rousey. After capturing the Strikeforce belt with an arm triangle of Marloes Coenen, Miesha was pitted against then-untested Judo specialist Ronda Rousey in her first title defense. After a long and much publicized war of words, Miesha came out to the fight a whirlwind of punches and grappling transitions in one of the best one round fights you’ll ever witness. She quickly made a name for herself as one of the most exciting fighters on the planet, with an exhilarating come-from-behind third round armbar over Julie Kedzie, followed up by an unbelievable Fight of the Night performance against Cat Zingano in her UFC debut. Although Zingano earned a TKO victory in the third with a controversial stoppage, Tate had dominated the much larger Zingano for much of the first 10 minutes, rocking her opponent with vicious flurries of punches and dumping the “superior” wrestler onto the mat seemingly at will. Miesha will get a shot at revenge against Ronda Rousey later this year, as she recently stepped in to a coaching spot opposite Ronda for the next Ultimate Fighter after Cat Zingano suffered a knee injury.

The “Cupcake” Tribute

Featherweight (145) - Marloes Coenen

A brilliant submission artist with a solid striking game, Marloes Coenen is one of the toughest fighters on the planet. Whether it be her impressive battle with Sarah Kaufman, her incredible comeback win over Liz Carmouche, or her gutsy performance against the strength of Cyborg, “Rumina” always shows up to fight. While generally fighting at 145 lbs., Marloes dropped to 135 to capture the Strikeforce Bantamweight strap before returning to Featherweight to dominate Romy Ruyssen at the top of the first Invicta FC card. While being known for her brilliant ground game, Coenen has proved to be a proficient striker, with slick combinations and a heavy overhand right, something she has shown off more and more in recent fights. Marloes will look for revenge in her next bout, a rematch against Featherweight behemoth Cris Cyborg for the first ever Invicta FC Featherweight Championship.

Coenen vs. Cyborg Trailer

Feel free to comment or suggest your picks on my Twitter, @BDavis6060

#marloes coenen #miesha tate #leslie smith #tecia torres #michelle waterson #cupcake #takedown #rumina #peacemaker #tiny tornado #karate hottie #ufc #invicta fc #invicta #mma #wmma #womens mma #womens mixed martial arts #cyborg #cris cyborg #liz carmouche #rose namajunas #cat zingano #ronda rousey #sarah kaufman #paige vanzant #exciting #fight of the night #fight of the year

[bd60mma]

Julie Kedzie: The Biggest Threat to Ronda Rousey's Throne?

There are probably a lot of things that went through your mind when you read the question of this post. Julie Kedzie, the fighter who is known to be susceptible to submissions? The woman who just got armbarred by Miesha Tate? A fighter with a 16-11 record compared to Rousey’s 7-0? All valid questions. But none deter me from believing that the woman with the best chance of beating the untouchable Ronda Rousey, is quite possibly one of the fighters in the UFC that is the furthest away from a title shot.

You may be thinking that this is just a post from a Julie Kedzie fanboy with too much time on his hands. You may be right. However, allow me to explain my position.

Julie “Fireball” Kedzie is a women’s MMA pioneer, having fought for various promotions and defeating the likes of Kaitlin Young, Jan Finney, and Sarah D’Alelio since her MMA debut almost 10 years ago. She’s gained a reputation among fight fans for her exciting style and solid striking, as well as her upbeat personality outside of the cage. However, she’s never been known for being a particularly proficient striker or grappler. 

That all changed August 18th, 2012. Let me take you back to Julie’s last fight to explain why she is a threat to the undefeated champion.

Standing across the cage from Miesha “Cupcake” Tate, the heavy favorite and a former Strikeforce Bantamweight champion, was Julie Kedzie in her biggest fight to date. The lead in fight to the main card for the penultimate Strikeforce event, fans of women’s MMA were buzzing about the upcoming fireworks while the “Fireball” paced back and forth inside the cage, an icy stare focused on her opponent. The referee, Jason Herzog, yelled “fight!” to start the bout; Miesha and Julie took to the center of the Strikeforce hexagon and tapped gloves. But then something unexpected came; Julie Kedzie started winning.

Tate came forward with her signature punching blitz, only to eat a powerful right straight-left hook combo, followed by a stepping knee to the body and another combination as she threw punches at the air where her opponent once stood. A beautiful left head kick followed, slipping past Miesha’s right hand before Julie pounced, landing several shots in a flurry of strikes as Tate tried to regain her composure. It was clear Tate couldn’t afford to keep standing with Kedzie, and after losing several more exchanges, Tate threw a superwoman punch into the clinch, but not before eating a solid right to the jaw. 

With Julie’s back against the cage, Miesha tried to work her way into finding a takedown from the clinch…but she couldn’t. And so for the next several minutes, Julie dominated the former champ, mixing in a beautiful array of striking and clinch work. From beautiful counters as Tate came in, to crisp combinations and kicks, to powerful knees and elbows in the clinch, Julie put on a clinic against Tate, all the while stuffing every single one of her takedown attempts. 

It finally looked like Julie was putting everything together; her striking looked incredibly sharp and powerful, her wrestling defense was perfect, and she was inflicting damage on Tate from every position, whether it be short punches delivered after a sprawl, knees and elbows in the clinch, or forceful kicks from a distance.

In the final 30 seconds of the round, the “Fireball” landed a perfectly timed side kick to Tate’s midsection, knocking her down before Kedzie swarmed into her guard. Tate locked up Julie’s head and arm in a loose triangle and swept Julie as she postured up, achieving a high mount before transitioning to an armbar. Kedzie survived the scare by defending her arm and surviving as the final few seconds of the round ticked by.

The second frame started out a lot better for Tate, her landing a few shots in exchanges, before dragging Kedzie to her knees after eating several knees in the clinch. Julie grabbed a hold of Miesha’s arm and transitioned right into a triangle, which Miesha eventually countered and used to get Julie’s back. When Miesha sinked an arm under Julie’s chin it looked like it may be all over, but Julie worked her way off of her stomach and out of two choke attempts before getting back up to her feet. Although Miesha did complete another (very brief) takedown, Julie held off her attack until the bell.

With the fight seemingly tied one round a piece going into the final frame, Kedzie looked to dominate Tate again in the third, quickly knocking her down with a leg kick and smartly making her stand back up.  A sprawl and a leg kick later, Julie landed a perfectly timed head kick as Miesha dropped levels for a shot, a knockout blow for almost anyone in the division.

Unfortunately for Kedzie, she was fighting one of the toughest and most stubborn fighters in MMA. Instead of making her stand up, Julie landed some big ground and pound, which proved to be her undoing as Tate craftily locked up Julie’s arm and forced the tap shortly after.

A visibly dejected Kedzie apologized to her team, a single mistake causing her to lose the biggest fight of her career, one in which victory was so close she could undoubtedly taste it.

But the fight was more than just another submission loss in the long career of the “Fireball”; it showed the world that she can hang with the top of the division, and is a threat to anyone in the cage. 

Not only did the fight prove that Julie Kedzie is one of the best strikers in her weight category, she also displayed incredible takedown defense. Miesha Tate has  some of the best wrestling in the division, with the only person being able to out-wrestle her being Ronda Rousey herself. Julie stuffed almost all of her takedowns, and had defended herself very well on the ground up until the 3rd. 

While Ronda may be better than Miesha in getting her opponents to the ground, Kedzie displayed a lot of improvement from her earlier fights and showed that she has the potential to become even better in her next fights. Fortunately for Kedzie, she’s not fighting Ronda tomorrow, so she still has a lot of time to shore up any holes she has in her defense.

Although Rousey’s next opponent, Cat Zingano, appears to have many of the same strengths that I’ve pointed out about Julie, she was easily taken down by Miesha in their UFC bout, even though she was significantly bigger in size. This doesn’t bode well for Zingano, as Rousey will likely be able to put her on the ground early.

If Kedzie can improve upon her already stellar takedown defense, a fight with Ronda would prove very interesting; even though Ronda has been getting world class coaching in the striking department, she still looks very uncomfortable on her feet. If Kedzie can defend the takedowns from Rousey, she would have a massive advantage over the armbar specialist, and would likely be a head kick away from a knockout. 

Even though the fight is very intriguing, Julie is likely 3-4 impressive wins away from being in title contention. However, if Julie continues to show improvements to the fighter that showed up last August, she may be the dangerous sleeper pick of the new UFC women’s division.

The “Fireball”, despite her past shortcomings, offers an interesting and dangerous challenge to the UFC Queen.

Julie Kedzie will look to bounce back from her loss in the UFC on Fox: Johnson vs. Moraga card in Seattle, WA against Muay Thai specialist Germaine de Randamie. Follow her on twitter - @julesk_fighter

#julie kedzie #ronda rousey #ufc #ultimate fighting championship #fireball #champion #future #womens mma #womens mixed martial arts #wmma #invicta fc #germaine de randamie #seattle #ufc on fox

[bd60mma]

The Most Exciting Fighters in MMA

There is nothing better than watching a fighter that puts it all on the line and goes to war every time they step into the cage. Whether it be a stand up brawler, a grappling expert, or a vicious finisher, these are my picks for the most exciting fighters in mixed martial arts today in each weight class.

Flyweight (125) - Joseph Benavidez

A 5-foot 4-inch powerhouse at 125 pounds, the "Joe-Jitsu" practitioner is one of the most explosive and powerful men in any of the lower weight classes. Devastating overhand rights, crippling hooks, and brutal kicks are all staples of the Beefcake's arsenal. Before dropping to the latest weight class in the UFC, Benavidez found great success at Bantamweight, with wins over Eddie Wineland, Miguel Torres, and Jeff Curran on his resume. His only losses at 135 were to the much larger Dominick Cruz, both of which came in back and forth wars and ended in controversial decisions. At his new home of 125 pounds, Benavidez has easily become the most exciting fighter in the division, boasting a stiffling knockout over Yasuhiro Urushitani, two back to back wars with Demetrious Johnson and Ian McCall, followed by a brutal body shot TKO of Darren Uyenoyama in his last outing. Look for "Joe B-wan Kenobi" to solidify his #1 contender ranking in the next few months, and continue to improve his vicious striking under the tutelage of Muay Thai master Duane Ludwig.

Bantamweight (135) - Urijah Faber

Another Team Alpha Male member with a penchant for putting on impressive performances, the "California Kid" has become a staple at the top of the fighter rankings. The former WEC Featherweight Champion had already made a name for himself before entering the UFC in 2011, dominating opponents with dynamic strikes and brilliant grappling skills. His punishing pace and ever-evolving game carried over into the UFC, with dominant performances against Eddie Wineland and Brian Bowles, along with a Fight of the Night effort against champion Dominick Cruz. Following an unfortunate loss to Interim Champ Renan Barao, Urijah went on another tear through the division, dispatching BJJ black belt Ivan Menjivar with a beautiful standing rear naked choke and submitting Scott Jorgensen late in a thrilling battle. With 16 submissions and 7 knockouts to his name, Urijah is one of the division's most consistent finishers and will look to earn another crack at UFC gold in 2013.

Featherweight (145) - Cub Swanson

Regarded as an exciting fighter that didn't always come out on top in his 5-3 stint in the WEC, "Killer" Cub Swanson seemed to carry that stigma with him to the UFC. Swanson lost his debut to Ricardo Lamas via arm triangle, after winning the first frame in a thrilling action-packed fight. A brutal knockout in his next fight sent George Roop's mouthpiece flying into the cage. A perfect left hook handed Ross Pearson the first knockout loss of his career. Young gun Charles Oliveira was put down by a single right hand. Three straight KO's and Cub Swanson put the Featherweight division on notice. Cub followed up his destructive killing streak by defeating Dustin Poirier in an absolute war, showcasing his dynamic and explosive striking as well as his improved wrestling game. Another product of the defunct WEC organization, Cub has defied all of his critics and is now among the elite 145ers in the UFC, and is likely a fight or two away from a title shot. His boxing skills are second to none in the division, overwhelming his opponents with brilliant combinations and brutal body shots, along with powerful kicks and knees. Swanson will face Dennis Siver at UFC 162 and seek to break into the top 5 rankings with a fifth straight victory. 

Lightweight (155) - Anthony Pettis

December 16th, 2010. The final round in the final fight of the last WEC event ever held. A breathtaking battle for the right to be the final WEC Lightweight Champion in history entered its final minutes, deadlocked, both fighters likely winning two rounds a piece. Anthony Pettis ran toward his opponent, placed his right foot on the cage wall, pushed off, and threw possibly the greatest kick in the history of MMA. Benson Henderson fell to the floor, with Anthony Pettis delivering punch after punch, and somehow survived to see the judges rule in Pettis' favor. The strike was dubbed the "Showtime Kick", and joins his ever growing arsenal of unorthodox techniques; capoiera kicks, the Showtime knee, jumping kicks, etc., but perhaps the biggest weapon in his repertoire is his aggressive guard game, giving him the confidence to throw his insane strikes because he knows that he can stiffle his opponent's offense or submit them on the ground. After knocking Joe Lauzon out cold with a blistering head kick in Japan, Pettis was forced to sit out for much of 2012 due to injury. "Showtime" came back in full force, easily handling Donald Cerrone with a first round liver-kick knockout and placing his stake at the Lightweight strap. After the UFC chose to instead book a champion-versus-champion matchup, Anthony Pettis chose to drop down to Featherweight and will challenge 145 kingpin Jose Aldo for the title in August.

Welterweight (170) - Carlos Condit

The "Natural Born Killer" didn't get his nickname by chance; he earned his name by finishing almost everyone put in his way. A winner of 28 fights, Condit has finished 26 of them, 13 by knockout and 13 by submission. After winning 8 straight fights (each one a finish), Carlos stumbled in his UFC debut, losing a controversial split decision against Martin Kampmann. Bouncing back with victories over Jake Ellenberger and Rory MacDonald, the "Natural Born Killer" then shocked British slugger Dan Hardy by landing a picturesque left hook on his jaw, sending him crashing to the canvas as follow up punches put him unconscious. A flying knee KO over Dong Hyun Kim then earned him a spot against Nick Diaz to fight for the Interim title, and after defeating Diaz, a shot at GSP. Although Condit fell short against St. Pierre, he was possibly GSP's most competitive foe in years, even knocking the champion down with a head kick in the third. In his second Fight of the Night in a row, Condit went to war with knockout artist Johnny Hendricks in a clear contender for 2013's Fight of the Year, but unfortunately lost a highly controversial decision. Carlos is currently taking time off to improve his wrestling ability and will look to get back into title contention as soon as possible. 

Middleweight (185) - Vitor Belfort

Twelve victories in the UFC. Twelve finishes. Possibly the best finisher in all of MMA, the "Phenom" has run through the likes of Rich Franklin, Yoshihiro Akiyama, and Anthony Johnson in his latest UFC stint. The 36 year old has been competing at the highest level since UFC 12 in 1997, and has only lost twice in the last 6 years: once to pound-for-pound best Anderson Silva, and once to Light Heavyweight champ Jon Jones in a fight he had only 3 weeks to prepare for. The vicious knockout artist is touted as having the fastest hands in MMA, and has recently showed off his high level Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and devastating kicking game to match his boxing skills. After his unfortunate loss to Jon Jones, Vitor took out two top 5 Middleweights in back-to-back knockout of the year candidates and has rightfully claimed his #1 contender status, all within the last 6 months. Belfort shocked critics by landing a highlight reel head kick early in round two with previous top contender Michael Bisping, finishing him off with devastating ground and pound until the referee mercifully stepped in. Even more impressively, Belfort landed a spinning heel kick to former Strikeforce champ Luke Rockhold's jaw just over two minutes into their bout, putting him to sleep with devastating ground and pound. Vitor will look to get a title fight with the winner of Anderson Silva versus Chris Weidman later this year. 

Light Heavyweight (205) - Mauricio Rua

Plagued by knee injuries since the beginning of his UFC career, the former Pride champion is still one of the most exciting fighters to watch in all of MMA. A vicious striker with an incredible 18 knockouts in his 21 win career, with knockouts of Rampage Jackson, Alistair Overeem (twice), and Chuck Liddell on his resume, Shogun Rua earned a shot at the Light Heavyweight strap in 2009. In an incredibly technical and tactical bout with Lyoto Machida, Shogun lost the judges' decision, sending the MMA world into uproar. Rua destroyed "The Dragon" in their rematch with a vicious right hand, earning himself the knockout of the year in 2010. Following a loss to Jon Jones, Shogun dispatched Forrest Griffin with ease before signing on to fight Dan Henderson, a dream matchup for any longtime fan of MMA. The fight did more than live up to expectations, earning them the fight of the year in a five round grueling slugfest which had Henderson emerge the victor (a controversial decision, as most viewers saw it to be a draw). Shogun was then slated to face Thiago Silva, but an injury saw Brandon Vera as his new opponent, one which most expected to be slaughtered. In a shocking performance, Vera stood and traded for most of four rounds with Shogun in a thilling battle, before Rua knocked Vera out in the fourth. Although he would lose his next fight in another war, this time against Alexander Gustafsson, look for him to bounce back in a big way with the guidance of a new team and coaches, including legendary boxing coach Freddie Roach.

Heavyweight (265) - Pat Barry

Possibly the hardest decision to make on this list was whether Pat Barry or Junior Dos Santos is the most exciting heavyweight on the planet; after much deliberation, I have chosen Pat "HD" Barry, in part due to his crazy personality outside of fighting. The 5'11" kickboxer always leaves everything in the cage, and is constantly looking to improve and add to his arsenal. Despite a serious grappling deficiency, "Hype or Die" has managed to become very successful in the Octagon and has recently shown vast improvements to his ground game. A devastating kicker with brutal leg kicks and raw power in both hands, Pat Barry is one of the premier strikers in the heavyweight division. Whether it be his domination of veteran kickboxer Antoni Hardonk, his first round knockdowns of Pride legend Mirko Cro Cop, or his three round drubbing of Joey Beltran, Barry brings the heat in each and every outing. Even in his losses Barry is electrifying; his technical dismantling of Stefan Struve's striking, his almost-hilarious knockdowns of Cheick Kongo, or his decision to stand and bang with Lavar Johnson are all worthy of praise. HD's most recent outing, against a former WBC Muay Thai World Champion in Shane Del Rosario, showed possibly the greatest version of Pat we've seen. While being the better striker on paper, Del Rosario repeatedly tried to out-grapple Pat Barry, finding little success in the first round. In the second, Barry rocked the kickboxing champ with an overhand left, following up with a swarm of haymakers that put Del Rosario asleep in devastating fashion. Barry will look to continue his growth as a mixed martial artist when he faces Shawn Jordan at UFC 161 in June.

Pat "HD" Barry Highlight Reel

Check out my article on the Most Exciting Women in MMA!

Feel free to comment on my Twitter - @BDavis6060

#ufc #pat barry #shogun #shogun rua #vitor belfort #carlos condit #anthony pettis #cub swanson #urijah faber #joseph benevidez #hype or die #mauricio #phenom #natural born killer #showtime #killer cub #california kid #beefcake #joe b-wan kenobi #most #exciting #fighters #mma #mixed martial arts #knockouts #ko #submissions

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Tecia Torres vs. Rose Namajunas Breakdown

Two undefeated Strawweights will go to war at the upcoming Invicta event on July 13th. “The Tiny Tornado” Tecia Torres (2-0) will face “Thug” Rose Namajunas (2-0) on the preliminary card of Invicta FC 6, in a bout many fans are picking to be the fight of the night.

Tecia Torres    

A budding prospect that’s already showed a penchant for exciting performances, the “Tiny Tornado” combines an aggressive striking game with excellent scrambles and takedown defense.

After racking up a 7-0 amateur record,Torres made her pro debut at Invicta FC 3 in October 2012. Tecia earned the unanimous decision win after a thrilling back and forth fight, and quickly returned to action at the next Invicta card. In possibly her greatest performance yet, the “Tiny Tornado” dominated skilled grappler Paige VanZant en route to another decision victory, showcasing her superior striking skills and explosive scrambles. Torres then made her pro kickboxing debut, quickly decimating her opponent with a first round TKO.

Tecia is a skilled striker that utilizes her speed and explosiveness to employ a “sprawl and brawl” game plan, putting together beautiful combinations of punches and kicks. While short in stature, Tecia makes up for her height disadvantage with her explosive entries into combos and grappling scrambles. While known for her spinning punches and kicks in her amateur career, she has employed a more straightforward approach in her MMA bouts, attacking with rushing blitzes before stepping out to the side to end the combination, reminiscent of MMA legend Vitor Belfort.

 Rose Namajunas

A quickly rising star, the 20 year old “Thug” Rose has skyrocketed into diehard MMA fan’s favorite fighter lists. Gaining recognition for being UFC and kickboxing veteran Pat Barry’s girlfriend, Namajunas quickly rose out of Pat’s shadow and made a name for herself in her pro debut at Invicta FC 4. 

Touted for her striking skills, Rose shocked Invicta viewers with her grappling prowess in her bout with Emily Kagan, nearly sinking in several tight submissions before making Kagan tap by rear naked choke in the third. Not to be outdone by her past performance, Rose came out firing in her next Invicta match against Kathina Catron, catching Catron with a heavy left hand before dispatching her with a flying armbar 12 seconds into the first round. 

While most of Rose’s cage time has taken place on the ground or in the clinch, she has demonstrated very crisp and powerful striking techniques  to go alongside her excellent jiujitsu. Standing 5’5” in the 115 pound division, Namajunas utilizes her length to throw sharp straight punches and quick head kicks from a distance. She is also very aggressive off of her back, quickly transitioning between submissions and sweeps to keep her opponents on the defensive. 

The Fight

When Tecia Torres and Rose Namajunas step into the cage on July 13th, fireworks are sure to ensue. The two undefeated prospects will put their perfect records on the line in what will likely be one of the best fights on the card.

Striking

While Tecia likes to throw looping hooks and long, varied combinations, Rose enjoys throwing straight punches and quick kicks from a distance, generally in a lower volume. This contrast in style is what makes this fight so highly anticipated. To counter Tecia’s quick entries Rose will need to keep the fight at a distance with a stiff jab and strikes up the middle; likewise, Tecia will need to use her speed and footwork to get inside Rose’s length and land shots before stepping out and avoiding Rose’s counters. Although Rose has more hype behind her striking game, Tecia has shown more of her striking game inside the cage, and combined with her pro kickboxing experience, makes the fight very interesting if the fight stays standing.

Grappling

Although this fight is expected to primarily take place on the feet, both fighters are more than capable when the fight hits the mat, albeit with very different approaches. Both Rose and Tecia tend to avoid grappling, wanting to strike instead, despite Rose being very comfortable fighting off of her back. She utilizes quick transitions and submission attempts to stiffle her opponent’s offense, while attempting sweeps to wind up on top. Tecia however, likes to explode out from under her opponents and look to get back to her feet with her uncanny scrambling ability. In the wrestling department, neither has really gone for takedowns in their fights, and both have been taken down in their MMA careers; Torres does seem to be a bit better at fending off takedowns, which may prove to be a factor in this fight if Rose starts losing the striking battle. Even though Torres has proven to be hard to handle on the ground, Namajunas should have a slight advantage if the fight stays on the ground for long, based on her size and superb grappling, but only if she can get (and keep) Torres on the mat.

Prediction

Picking a winner with any kind of certainty in this match up is next to impossible. Both fighters possess well-rounded skillsets, and their contrast in fighting styles will be interesting to see played out. Whether Rose can implement her technical long-range striking attack or if Tecia can consistently get inside and land her combinations will likely be the deciding factor in this fight. If I had to choose a winner, I’d take Tecia Torres in a very close and competitive fight, based on her being able to land the larger amount of strikes and being able to keep the fight standing.



Feel free to offer your opinions on the fight (or my article) on my Twitter - @BDavis6060.

Follow Tecia and Rose on Twitter - @TeciaTorres @rosenamajunas

#tecia torres #rose namajunas #invicta #invicta fc #invictafc #ufc #wmma #womens mixed martial arts #womens mma #thug #tiny tornado #fight #mma #mixed martial arts #preview