estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

29 - Safeword

This chapters songs:

Softcore; The Neighborhood

I Wanna Be Yours; Arctic Monkeys

Safeword; TV Girl

- Y. L.

I nod my head, turning my face to the beautiful guy that walks toward me and smiles. He suddenly slumps himself onto me as I'm facing down on his bed and attempts to tickle me. "Hey! Get off!" I exclaim like a child waving my hands above my head. The smell of fresh soap and lavender fills my nostrils. "You smell good."

"Hm? Well, I would hope so, I just showered," Koshi replies, muffled in the nape of my neck. His hands wander down my arms and grab my wrists, lifting them towards his mouth. He gently kisses the tips of my fingers to only make me more flustered. Then, he presses his lips against the back of my neck, causing me to flinch.

"I'm sorry, is that okay?" He asks if he was allowed to kiss me. Whatever did I do to deserve someone who truly cared about my every perception?

"Mhm," I mutter, turning around to face him.

Koshi lays his lips on me, inhaling deep in satisfaction. My eyes flutter under him as embarrassment clouds me. I curse myself for letting my mind wander. The position we were in could lead to many things, but I wasn't willing to put an end to it.

His pale face looks even more beautiful than ever under the lamp light, defining his strong jaw and red lips. I couldn't wait any longer to taste them, driving me to gracefully place mine against his. At first, it's only gentle kisses that we share. That is until he pushes me down against his pillow and holds my wrists in a grasp impossible to escape. It felt like a dream I was living, for never had I felt so needy for Koshi. My core tightened as he fit himself between my legs and rested even more of his weight against me.

"Hey, are you sure this is okay?" He pulls away from my lips for a second.

"I don't know..." I admit to him. "Maybe if we just see how far I can go if that's okay. D—do you want more than that?"

Koshi's cheeks heat up at my question and he bites his lower lip in despair. "Not if you don't. So...yeah, I guess we can experiment. You need to tell me the second you feel uncomfortable, okay? I'm not going to ever force something you don't want. Our safeword can be a simple 'stop'."

I smile at his words. "Okay."

He lays his hand against the back of my thigh, pulling my leg to fit around his waist. His hips knead against mine and it becomes striking he was excited to discover this side of me. His body was warm, especially his lower region.

To distract me from the feeling of his hardness grinding against the thin cloth that prevented too much touching, Koshi pushes his tongue into my mouth and searches for a sense of pleasure. Finally finding it, I unintentionally moan around his mouth.

"Fuck," Koshi whispers as we can barely open our eyes. He continues to aggressively kiss me, softly biting my top lip while he snakes his hands around my hips, his fingers traveling under the shirt that I wore. "Your skin is so soft," he says, fiddling with the edge of the shirt. "Can I take it off?"

"Uh-huh," I whimper, watching as he undresses me. I follow the way he lays his lips on my neck, leading down to the edge of my bra. Koshi was moving quicker than I had expected. Not rapidly, but not unhurried either. I didn't blame him—it had been months since he had committed anything sexual with a girl. As for me, I was a complete fool, not knowing how to go about pleasuring him.

I look up at the ceiling and run my hand through his silver locks, my senses rising as he marks my chest with a small love mark right above my breast, which was still covered with white lace. My heavy breath slowly increases as he finds his way back up to my mouth and swept his tongue back into my mouth.

Koshi abruptly sits me on his lap and wraps his hands around my waist, pulling me toward his body. I was in love with how his muscles flexed out of his stomach and back, giving my hand something to touch other than his boner. With our tongues wrestling, I push my hips forward and feel his member grind against my underwear, causing him to groan desperately. It terrified me how large he was just by foreplay. Is this what I'll have to endure?

I wanted him badly at the moment. There was nothing else my body craved but him. However, my mind told me something else. If I wasn't certain I was prepared to lose my virginity, it signified I wasn't. It didn't matter how satisfying it felt to have him gently touching me as no one had before, how pretty the sound of him moaning, I felt nauseous thinking of going any further. In that case, I whisper, "Kou, stop."

The man hastily opens his eyes and detaches my hips from his. He places his hands on my hips in an appropriate manner, speaking up, "I went too fast, didn't I?" He furrows his brows in despair and presses his forehead against my chin. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel rushed."

"It's not that at all, love. I'm fine," I read it, combing back the silver hair that covered his ears. "I think this is all I can do right now. I'm so sorry for stopping—"

"No, no, Y/n. Don't apologize. I'm glad you told me you weren't ready yet." Koshi takes a deep breath and hugs my waist, rubbing my back with his hand.

"I should be more aware that you have needs, still. I there is anything else you want me to do for you I might be able to," I communicate. Sugawara deserved to feel pleasured after all of the efforts he has put into our relationship.

He lays me back down on the bed, where I pull the shirt he took off back onto my torso, shy of what he has seen of me already. "You're so sweet," he concedes. "I'm satisfied with what we've done already. Thank you for sharing that part of yourself with me."

"Of course, Koshi."

He lays down next to me, wrapping his legs around mine and gracefully hugging me from behind. For the first time, I let a man touch me, I'm glad it was Koshi. This day will be one I'll never forget.

-

Uhh ahhhh uhhahauaniwndjs

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

28 - How To Move Foward

This chapter's songs:

Wanted You; Joji

Leif Erikson; Interpool

Imagine; John Lennon

- Y. L. Perspective

Suddenly, the carpet under my hair feels incredibly thin, taunting to collapse and drop me into hell at any moment. "What? You were in love with me?" I ask, closing my eyes and hoping everything could go away at once.

"I mean...yeah. Not to freak you out or anything,

Y/n. It's not like I still love you."

I sigh slowly to hide the suggestion I held my breath for as long as silence stood between us. "...then when?"

Toruku curls his guitar pick between his fingers, lifting each one by one. "I guess around the time Grimlace began. We became so close and spent almost every second of the day with each other. You couldn't expect me not to catch feelings for someone talented and a tad pretty, right?" He attempts to get a chuckle out of me with his insulting joke, but this was no laughing matter. "Yeah...I know you're probably a little shocked."

I wrap my fingers under the coffee table before pulling myself up to rest my chin on it. "You understand why, right?"

"Of course. If I found out in two years that you had liked me all this time, I would have been surprised too. I'm sorry I didn't say anything when the time was right, but there was so much going on. I couldn't stand to see you hurting yourself over things you couldn't control, Y/n. Yeah, I loved you, but you were my best friend. Putting more pressure on your back was the last thing I wanted to do to someone who was in a depressive episode," he explains, whirling his eyes towards me—staring with the blue orbs seeming darker as each day passes. "If everything was okay, I might still have loved you. Maybe I still do."

My throat rigid, I respond, "you understand it's not profitable, right? We would be breaking a promise we took to a grave. My best friend's grave, your ex-girlfriend's." I sicken at the thought of being unloyal to Moku and allowing Toru's gossip to become reality.

"And you understand you wanted it first, right?" Toruku speaks aggressively to defend his honor. "I'm asking if you're in love because I'm scared for you. When it was just us, I cared so much about our future. I would try my hardest to steer us away from any direction that would split us apart because we had been through so much together. When Giki and Hikishi came along, I was suddenly at ease knowing I wasn't the only one who was looking out for you... however, my love for you didn't imply that I wanted to make a move. I never would, I never will. But seeing how pure you and Koshi are reminds me it's hard to let go of someone to who you're so happily attached."

My finger drags across the patterns of the wooden table while I process his justification. I never realized how big of a role Toruku played in my life. Behaving as a guardian, he was always by my side when it came to hardships.

Koshi and I interpreted the same idea for each other. He's always at my right hand when I need him, always there to satisfy my every need. The difference between Toruku and Koshis' feelings is that we were in love; a prime time where every detail in our lives appeared brighter and better because of our relationship, meaning it would be dangerous to leave.

"I know," I say. "We've already come to terms with it. A happy ending isn't in the future for us. Could you quit?"

"So why are you planning to put yourself through hell and back for less than a year together?" he asks me and unexpectedly capes my left shoulder with his strong hand in an aggressive impression. It was becoming apparent that his patience with me was curtailing. "I know your relationship barely started, but you're going to ruin yourself if to continue this relationship."

My eyes close, easing every muscle that pushes back tears when they threaten to expose your prestige. "I don't care how much you 'love me, I'm not following your opinions as if you have the right to direct me, Toruku. Nobody has that right against me except for myself. Do you think I'm that weak? You think I haven't asked myself what I'm doing every single day?"

"Yeah, Y/n. I do think you're that weak. If you weren't, you could have told yourself to control your impulsive behavior and keep your focus on your career instead of a boyfriend," he shouts at me.

At this point, tears ran down my knees. "What do you want from me?" I choke out, quickly inhaling to continue arguing. "You want me to break up with him? Do you want me to let go of the first thing that has made me happier than I've ever been? Although your criticism is for my good, it hurts knowing my best friend doesn't think I can handle my own feelings and consequences. Yes, I am in love with Koshi and I'm sorry it wasn't you before him, but that does not give you the right to look at me as if I'm a fragile little girl." My sobs are out of hand when I reach my last word.

I hadn't ever thought that someone so dear to me as Toruku would hit me in the gut with his harsh opinions of me. The both of us suffered the death of our best friend together, not alone, so being aware of the fact he thought I was weaker than him hurt like a bitch.

For a second, I wish that I had the choice of being away from him. He was a piece of my life I couldn't go on without, no matter how brutal the terms were. It was an unfortunate circumstance that he was forever a part of my career now that I knew what he thought of me.

Deciding I've had enough of his bullshit, I get up off the floor and reach for my blazer. I wipe my tears aggressively against my white button-up, the mascara staining my perfect sleeve.

Toruku gets up off the bean bag chair and walks towards me, grabbing the corner of my shoulders. I quickly pull back and sneak a dirty look at him. "I don't want to talk to you right now, 'Ruku," I whisper, picking my bag up from the floor and throwing it against my arm. "You hurt me."

He sighs in annoyance and drags his hands across his face in despair. "You can't ignore me, Y/n. We still have a lot to work on—"

"Then we'll work on it, but not now. I'll come to the next rehearsals, just text me about it or something. Don't mention this to Giki or Hikishi, please. I don't want to stress them out," I speak to him, before opening the door and stepping out into the lonely night's warm wind that crept upon my skin. "Goodnight, Toruku."

After shutting the door on his intimidated face, an outing to God knows where was in the plan. My legs take me further than I had intended to walk, for I turned the corner of the gymnasium where my teammates would be playing. Hoping I could find a friend, I knock on the metal doors, sending an echo into the dark-lit building.

'It's empty and dark. I guess no one is here,' I think to myself, pulling my phone out of my school bag. Many frantic messages appear on the screen.

—

7:17 PM

Koshi <3, 6:15 PM

Hey love, I'm gonna swing by around seven to pick u up from the music room as we had discussed. I'll let u know when I'm otw

6:43 PM

I'm gonna be otw in like a min, if ur not done yet I'm okay with waiting :))

6:57 PM

Hey, I knocked and no one answered. Are you okay? Where's the rest of the band? I'm starting to get worried, Y/n

7:14 PM

Y/n, please answer me. I'm scared rn

It's getting dark and you haven't answered, your location says you're still at school

7:15 PM, Miscall from Koshi<3 (3x)

—

My heart sinks thinking about how insane I had been driving Koshi this entire time I was having an unpleasant experience with my bandmate when I could have once answered the phone.

I text him back without a second thought and send him my current location: the gym. After he read my message, I assume he is vigorously angry with me for being stupidly irresponsible, but on his way.

Hearing footsteps leading up to me, I turn and meet the sight of Koshi reaching his arm out to me. I was unsure of what his hand would greet me with, so I flinch and look away. However, the warmth of his embrace captures me in his arms. One hand against my lower back, the other pushing my head into his chest as we try our best to balance ourselves.

How could Toruku not expect me to fall in love with someone who treats me with more affection than I've ever witnessed from a human being? Someone who looks at me as if I'm everything they have ever wanted or someone who understands me like no one else. Koshi made me feel complete and comfortable with who I was. Perhaps it was toxic that I was so much happier because of him, but it was so worth it if I could have these next months of pure and ignorant bliss.

I sob in the cotton of his volleyball jacket, not minding the aroma of his sweat and deodorant. All I wanted was to be held by Koshi beneath the violet sunset.

"Please tell me you're okay, Y/n." He speaks in distress.

I nodded swiftly and pull my head away to face him. "I'm sorry, Koshi. I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you worry. I got into an argument. I swear, nothing happened and I'm alright, just sensitive," I tell my boyfriend as he wipes my tears away from my cheeks and looks at me deep into my eyes as if witnessing a lost child cry. "Please, can we go home?"

He nods and refrains from denying any of my requests, intertwining his fingers with mine and guiding me to the school parking lot.

-

"Are you sure you don't want something to eat?"

Koshi reaches into the deep spaces of his empty fridge to hopefully discover something to fight back our hunger.

"Yeah, I'm sure," my voice speaks gently.

Both his brother and father were away tonight, meaning it was only us two in the house, as usual. It didn't bother me at this point that our parents trust us so casually to be alone with each other. That, or they simply didn't care about us anymore.

He leans against the fridge door and gazes at me, sighing. "I'm sorry, Y/n. I should have told my father to go grocery shopping. Would you like for me to order something for us?"

"I'm telling you, it's fine. I just wanna go to bed."

I still haven't told him what had occurred in the music room with Toruku, nor did he bother to question me, at least not yet. Somehow, Koshi knew the situation I was sobbing over certainly couldn't have been all that bad, otherwise, I would not have come over.

He reaches to the stool I sat upon and rests his hand on my knee, fitting himself between my legs and looking down at me. The white t-shirt he wore was the only thing I could hear other than my heavy beating heart. "If you don't want to talk about what happened, I understand. But I do think it would be healthy for you to discuss it with someone and let the cloud over your head drain itself, okay?" He rubs his thumb against my tear-stained cheek.

I nod, looking up at the hazel eyes that looked through my feelings like no other pair. "Yeah, okay."

He suddenly turns to the kitchen light and motions for me to move upstairs. As we leave the kitchen and head to his room, I think about how I would explain to him what Toruku thought about our relationship without raising wrath within him.

We enter the bedroom that hints scent of cologne and Koshi leaps onto his bed, ruffling the freshly folded blankets from this morning. Joining him, I set down my things on his table and sit on the edge of his mattress, trotting my fingers along the prints on his sheets.

"You wanna borrow something to sleep in?" He questions me, quickly rushing towards his dresser and pulling out a few items of clothing. He tosses a sleek grey shirt at me, in which he describes, "I like to sleep in that, it's pretty comfortable. I'm sure that should be fine for you. You wanna borrow it?"

"Sure, thank you so much," I reply. Koshi remains turned around for me to undress. I do so and unbutton my shirt, being very aware of myself. The peach fuzz on my skin rises as it is hit by the cold air in his room, sending goosebumps along my arms. The shirt comforts me just as I pull it over my white bra. It dangles below my knees, hence me taking off my skirt and knee socks. I fold them up neatly ahead of setting them down next to my bag beyond Koshi's bed.

Turning around erratically, I am met with the image of Koshi in loose pajama pants and no shirt. The muscles on his back curve while he folds up a couple of clothes. "Hey, I'm gonna shower if that's okay. I feel gross after today's practice," he notes, then turns around to meet my rubicund representation. "You alright?"

"Oh...yeah. I'm sorry," I say, reverting my eyes down to my feet. 'You creep,' I curse myself. "I should have asked if you were done changing."

"Ha, that's okay. You get used to people teasing you while being undressed when you're in a sport," Koshi jokes. "I'll be back."

After he leaves the room, I contemplate how to go about explaining why I was crying, or how Toruku doesn't approve of our relationship. Seeing how much conflict we have faced frightened me.

In these minutes of alone time I have in Koshi's room, I think of my issue while traveling to various parts of the area. Pictures of family and teammates hung above his dresser around the small tv. Young Koshi was more gentle back then, more naive and innocent. I wondered what the boy could have suffered to become a man who understood life better than I did. There was a photo of his father and mother that I observed gratefully. Her brown hair traced down her shoulders and she was marvelously beautiful and young. A sorry mood arrives in my head, remembering how her death traumatized Koshi, badly.

Next, I move to the side of his bed, where a nightstand and shelf stood next to it. Everything stood neatly and precise as if made for him and his neat habits. My fingers hesitantly open the drawer of his nightstand, revealing a few ordinary items in sight, thank god. He stored a few pill bottles and journals at the bottom, then a couple of drug store supplies like cologne, tissues, and melatonin.

His dresser was as ordinary as they came—storage for clothing. Most of Koshi's wardrobe contained athletic and professional clothing. What wasn't meant for volleyball and school was nice shirts and pants folded neatly in a bottom drawer. I smiled at the vision of him getting dressed in casual attire.

Deciding I'm done snooping, I rest my knees on his bed and think to myself for minutes more about what to say to him, how to explain my situation. 'Maybe Koshi won't drag it out of me. Maybe he'll be considerate and let it rest over.'

I close my eyes and lay down on one of his pillows, groaning out at the universe for putting me in this circumstance.

"You okay?" Koshi's voice appears in the air from the doorway, where he stands with different pants on, but nothing else.

-

I'm. I. Help. I'm going insane.

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

25 - Connection

This chapters songs:

Cherry-coloured Funk; Cocteau Twins

Infrunami; Steve Lacy

Exit Music (for a film); Radiohead

- Y.L. Perspective

"I'm distraught, Y/n." Toruku comments, holding a piece of paper more textured than his fingerprints. His hand holds up his head and his eyes stare straight at the end of the paper.

I stand in front of his seated proportion, clammy hands holding each other in fear of disapproval. "Is it okay?" I ask the guy.

He looks up at me in shock I would ever ask him such a question, saying, "good?! I'm about to cry,

Y/n. We've gotta show this to someone... this will get us much farther than what we can achieve."

"Toruku, no. These are the first lyrics I've ever genuinely put my time and effort into. I'd like it if we kept these to use for the Summer's Amp Festival. That way if we find they do take us somewhere, we can begin to focus more on what achieves success for our band!" I explain to him, taking up the paper into my hands. "Please, it has deep meaning and symbolism I'm not even sure I understand myself."

Toruku rolls his eyes, stretching as for back in his chair as possible. We were in the middle of the music room on a Wednesday afternoon waiting for the arrival of our former bandmates Hikishi and Goku. "Fine, you wuss, but you know that this can take us somewhere."

I scan the paper, truly proud of myself for putting words together for what I truly felt. Not only about how looked at relationships, but the root meaning of Koshi and I; we'd never be together in the end. It sickened me to think of it, but if I brushed it off as if it wasn't real, all stress was wiped away. During writing these lyrics, I let go of that and committed to my gut emotions, letting them spill out through ink and a piece of paper from my calculus notebook.

A knock came upon the door, revealing both of the people we'd been waiting for.

"Hey, what's up?" Asks Giki, walking up to me and capturing my lyrics in a split second. When I try arguing to take them back from her, she wrestles me and hands it to Hikishi.

"Finished lyrics? Already? It's been, what, two weeks?" He began reading, focusing mainly on every word and the meaning behind it.

A couple of minutes went by with the repetition of my trying to take back the paper and Giki easily holding me back thanks to her freakishly strong arms. Every once in a while, both of them would raise their brows or whine with sorrow. Once they finished, they looked at me in disbelief.

"What? You guys are acting like I'm Jesus giving Christians the meaning of life," I say, finally retrieving what I'd been after.

I'd never said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died, we'd be together

I can't forget her

But she could.

There were only so many ways that I was able to compose phrases that were associated with the destination of Koshi and I's relationship; might as well make an effort and achieve something favorable out of it. Carefully folding the paper and squeezing it into my pocket, I say "I'll make a couple of copies and send them out to you all after I've made revisions. If all of you are not to let anybody know that I've materialized a root song for us to work with here on forward, then I'll have the final draft by Sunday."

My partners glow in unison and clench their hands together in enthusiasm. As much as they irritated me with their impatience with me, I was more than grateful they opened their arms to my lyrics. It took a long time to put together a rough outline, so their approval meant the world to me.

Ever since we had come back from the training camp, I'd been more than enjoying myself. Every day was crammed with band rehearsals, volleyball practice, and drives home and back with my boyfriend. Everyone in my friend group had been concentrating mainly on music and mental health, the most significant things in our lives. The boys were focused on improving what they could with their stamina and gradually became a close group. Each one of them figured out ways to be around each other without any arguing (at least not too much) and learn to collaborate. The spring tournament was coming up, and competing with teams we weren't completely familiar with could be potential death for our reputation. That is why all week the boys have been accepting plenty of lessons from the guy who said he would assist us with a single match, Coach Ukai.

So far, things have been going smoothly for my band and me. We spent most of our days coming up with new rhythms and chords that could help us make a song for the Summer's Amp Festival. Being best friends with each other was to our advantage and we didn't argue head-on about stupid shit bands would. With late dinners spent talking and writing music, my life felt better than ever— especially since I had a wonderful boy who supported me through it all— Koshi.

Although he didn't admit it, I knew Koshi was struggling in volleyball. Mr. Sugawara never gave his son empathy and it seemed their family was having issues with Isao getting himself into trouble of all sorts. Life was stressful for him, so I made my best efforts to try and comfort him in all ways I could. I packed him bags of snacks with letters in them for him to find in his bag during school, helped him organize a time to help his teammates and take care of himself, and continued to be his girlfriend.

With that, I felt great about my current situation.

Excitement fulfilled my everyday life, keeping me busy.

"I should go. I have to meet Koshi before volleyball practice starts," I say, grabbing my book bag and stuffing my papers into it without any trace of thought.

-

After getting dressed and meeting Kiyoko in the field outside of the gym, we gather inside along with the rest of the team. Ukai calls for us to sit down in front of him, for he had a long talk to put us through. June 2nd was the exact date for the preliminaries to begin. Everyone had one goal in mind; to climb to the very top.

"Alright everyone, gather around please." Ukai sits on a stool in front of me and plenty of other members of the team intently waiting for his messages. "There is no regional prelim, so it's going to be straight to prefectural or nothing. Out of 60 teams or so, only one of them gets to advance to nationals. Got that?"

Tanaka and Noya nod, confident they'll soon be cheering in victory. As for Hinata, he couldn't be more impatient to go against Nekoma again. Ukai turns everyone's attention back to him, silencing those who turned to whisper.

"Before raising competition between any of the other volleyball teams you boys are so eager to defeat, we have to look at who we're going against. First, let's take a look at Wakutani South— a group skilled within the range of defense and solidarity. They're the ones we're gonna have to terminate before any other people. We should keep an eye out for Date Tech as well. Everyone knows about their popular iron wall built by tall guys who specialize in defense. In March, we were defeated by the two to nothing."

I raise my brow at Ukai's explanation. Koshi told me not too long ago that the game against Date Tech is what convinced Asahi to quit volleyball for good.

Thinking about how nervous they made our team feel made me uncomfortable.

"The only reason they aren't seated this year is that they ranked 16 in the top material after losing to Shiratorizawa. Hopefully, we won't have to go against them first round. Then there's Aoba Johsai, the team were most likely to go against. We need to watch out or else they'll get the best of us. They're near the best in the prefecture, after all. Last but not least, Shiratorizawa. Famous for their giant ace, Wakatoshi Ushijima, we should stick as a team when facing these guys. They're our best competition." As Ukai finishes off his studies of the teams, Koshi and Daichi gaze at him, happy they finally have a leader who put everyone in their place and truly cared for their future.

Unexpectedly, Takeda darted into the gym, holding a large piece of paper.  "The bracket! I have the bracket for the tournament!" The man shouts as players run towards him.

Hinata and Kageyama lean over his shoulder, along with Tsukishima and Ennoshita. Their eyes suddenly widen at the transcription. "We have to play against Date Tech?!" Hinata exclaims, taking the paper by his hands and panicking.

"Guys, we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. Aoba Johsai is seated in our block this year.. this means bad luck," Tsuki says, folding his arms. I felt anxious about the idea of having to continue to face Oikawa and Iwazumi. Knowing them, they would use their personal feelings to try and mix things up between matches.

Koshi comes up behind me, patting my back softly. He must have seen the irritated look in my eyes from far away when looking at the bracket. The competition was only a few days before Summers Amp Fest, meaning I had back go back practices at the beginning of June. It being only May, this gave me time to plan out a schedule. If I coordinated dates properly enough I wouldn't be stressed out as easily as I could be.

The rest of the practice went by rather quickly. Ukai cleared up a hand full of questions the boys were itching to ask, Kiyoko and I were able to make lists of items we would be needed whilst remaining on the sidelines of this tournament, and Eclair visited the team before the end of the night.

"Sorry, lovelies! I had to attend to some enrollment business today," she says with a hypnotic smile that stretches as far as the length between her ears. "I can't believe I can't stick around in Japan until you guys' tournament!"

Nishinoya leans towards the girl to position himself right under her nose. "Then stay longer! I don't see why you have to go back so suddenly, 'Clair."

Koshi and I simultaneously make eyes at each other. It was obvious we didn't want anything to do with the girl.

"Maybe you guys can visit me if you're ever in France. I'd love to show you all around." She says as if anyone would skip countries to spend time with her. Thank goodness it was her last day.

As she stays to discuss further with the boys, Koshi tugs at my hand, gesturing that he wanted to pull me aside for something. I walk with him to the exit of the gym where he very gently nudges me against the wall and folds his hand into mine. "Are you going to be okay? You know, with Oikawa?"

"Oh...of course. I can handle him. Why?"

"I have a bad feeling about him. I know he's a goody two shoes in school and everyone adores him and all...god knows he does no wrong...but I'm scared he might suggest ideas about you two the way he used to, you know?" Koshi speaks in a low tone for us to have privacy. the more he explained his feelings about Oikawa to me, the clearer it became that he was intimidated by Oikawa.

I understood why; we grew up together, he was there during the darkest moment of my life, and he was the talk of the town when it came to volleyball, school, and such. since Koshi and I had only been dating for a couple of weeks, he must've felt that it was easy to lose my attention. I didn't judge him for having trust issues, but I did discriminate against him for thinking he was under Oikawa when it came to who could win me over.

"trust me, you have nothing to worry about, okay? you're a much better person than he was or ever will be. I would never turn to Oikawa even if it meant happiness forever," I giggle awkwardly, striving to help Koshi feel better. I rub my hand against his cheek softly, looking down at my feet in embarrassment for behaving as a girlfriend should.

"But I do have some good news..."

Koshi tilts his chin up in wonderment of what I could surprise him with, "hm? and what would that be?"

"I've completed the song lyrics. Toruku is finishing up the rhythms and chords he wants to base the song off of. in a week or two, it should be done," I say as I politely put my hands back into my pockets. my heart beat progressively faster because of the anticipation of waiting for a response from him.

"really? can I come over tonight so we can go over them?" he asks me excitedly. "only if it's okay with you. since it's the weekend maybe we could have a sleepover and go to practice together in the morning!"

I nod and gleam at him, pleased by his reaction. yet, in this happy moment of ours, I spot a blonde making eyes at Koshi and i. eclair seemed to be all ears for a conversation she was not involved in. to make it obvious I caught her, I tilt my head in her direction and raise my brows as if asking, 'do you need something?' the girl takes notice and quickly goes back to paying attention to the pestering of Tanaka and Nishinoya.

Koshi takes notice, turning around to see what distracted me. confused, he looks back at me, brows furrowed. "while you fuss about Oikawa, I'd like to fuss about a little french girl that very obviously wants to get into your pants before her departure," I whisper in a gossip-type tone, causing my boyfriend to cringe/laugh. the both of us decide to head towards the crowd of boys discussing all types of matters, mostly about the upcoming volleyball tournament.

- K.S. Perspective

"get some good rest tonight. tomorrow, we're spending the entire day practicing." coach ukai exclaims, along with a couple of other remarks regarding the attitude coming from Hinata and Tobio.  after the volleyball team agreed to bring their best efforts the upcoming morning, we were released and ready to depart home.

I nudge y/n on her shoulder, muttering under the ruckus, "I need to help clean up a little bit. mind waiting for me with Kiyoko in the girls' locker room?"

Although asking her to walk in the dark without me made me uneasy, it made it easier for her to get a load of work off her hands. the past month she's been stressing herself over both being a good manager and a loyal bandmate. I respected y/n for her patience and determination to keep her life in order.

she nodded happily and trotted off outside the gym. when I turn back to the club members, all were occupied helping tidy up the gym. deciding to group up with the second years and mop the floors, I head towards the supply closet.

what I didn't expect was to find eclair in a corner, huddled up and silently crying. pretending I don't see her, I begin to back up towards the entrance of the room. unfortunately, she catches me just as I reopen the door.

"shit...ignore me. leaving is simply making me a little sad, is all!" she wipes away her tears and smiles. eclair proceeds towards me in the dark room and suddenly wraps her arms around my rib cage where her head could lay onto my chest. "do you mind?"

everything was happening so fast, that I couldn't begin to process the moment, but it felt wrong.

when I sensed something off, I civilly shoved her. "Uhm, what?" I stutter, stepping away from the girl.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." Eclair stares at me with sad eyes for a split second before crossing her arms and looking down at her feet. "I thought it would be appropriate if I had a goodbye hug. I hope you didn't take that in the wrong way."

'maybe if you had approached me with that before moving in, I would have understood.' I thought to myself, as I automatically rolled my eyes. "oh... that makes sense. are you okay?"

it was obvious she was very much not okay, but clearing up the awkward situation felt as of it would be natural than to stand only a few inches away from her while she cited.

"well, not exactly. as you know, France isn't my type of home. I'm nervous about making new friends and stuff. I got so comfortable here, I didn't see this coming," she says to me, as she leaned against a wall and took a deep breath.

I nod my head in awareness. "yeah, moving can be hard. I'm sorry you have to leave so soon. if you have a more positive mindset, things might turn out better!" I attempt to cheer her up without seeming as if I'm too friendly.

eclair looks up at me once again and smiles, "you're so kind, Koshi. I'm gonna miss you the most, you know. it kind of sucks we didn't get to talk very much. it's my fault for making things so complicated between us, though. I never should have been stupid and confessed to you last year. I'm really sorry."

I feel distraught by the words she spoke so confidently. it didn't seem it at first glance, but her face seemed an awful lot too relaxed and her words left a bad taste in my mouth. I stayed silent and looked down at my tennis shoes, praying the conversation would be over soon. to my bad luck, she puts her hand onto my shoulder, rubbing it while she tilted her head and looked far too deep into my eyes.

"I hope you know that you're the first person who I've ever really had feelings for. there was so much I swore I would do just to be with you. knowing I'll never be able to meet my expectations of us makes me feel like I'll never be satisfied," she says sadly, yet her body language hints at another feeling. "do you ever think about that, Kou?"

nervous, I clear my throat and take yet another step back. at this point, I am almost against the wall of the room, feeling utterly irritated. "Uhm, I don't. I'm sorry, but my feelings are the same. I've never been in love with you, eclair. I don't think I ever will be, either. please, stop," I spoke with anger under my tone, trying my best to make it obvious I didn't want her.

suddenly, she takes my hand in hers and places it on the lowest part of her hip, stands on her tippy toes, and runs the other hand through my hair. at this point, I was shaking in distress, thinking of how to throw her off of me without injuring her or making myself look terrible.

We had come to a point where there was no time to think, for she pushed her waist close between my legs and tried tilting her head to kiss me. I instantly decided to push her off of me and brush off any area she had touched me as if I was contaminated. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I silently yell at her as she hides against a wall in embarrassment. "I don't know why you ever thought I'd be as low as to cheat on my girlfriend with a pathetic person like you. now, I tried to give you space and sympathy, but you've taken it way too far!"

she looks at me angrily, "Oh, shut up, Koshi! you know you're desperate for any girl you can lay your hands on. am I so wrong for believing you're still the man-whore you used to be? for being stupid and sensitive and wanting something so badly that I have such a low chance of receiving? all I've ever wanted was to be loved by you in any way possible, so don't you dare shame me when you're the exact same way! and how is it you suddenly click and realize how much of a dickhead you are and decide since you've 'fallen in love' you're such a good person?! why could it have not been someone else, huh? why couldn't it have been me?"

I hold tight fists in my hands out of anger, though I know I wouldn't dare lay a hand on her. my head filled with so many negative emotions that I could not begin to build a statement to throw at her. "because I would never fall in love with someone so sickening as you. you're a selfish brat, eclair, who throws a fit when she can't have what she wants. you're a bitch!"

deciding I'm finished with dealing with the girl, I turn the doorknob of the supply closet. "grow up, eclair. you'll never get anywhere in life if you don't grow up and stop behaving like a child. you aren't a little girl anymore," I say, as I leave the room.

a few of the teammates have their heads turned towards me, noticing the angry exterior I wore. as positive as I tried to be, it was difficult to hide the amount of wrath running through my body. I was sick to my stomach, feeling terrible about not throwing her off of me sooner, if I had known her intentions, I wouldn't have ever considered leaving y/n's side.

everything eclair had accused me of got to my head. maybe I was the horrible person I've been trying so hard not to be this entire time. maybe I wasn't worthy of being in a happy relationship or having the privilege of being loved by y/n.

maybe everybody was better off without facing me every day, aware of who I used to be.

-

it's literally been like four months:)

yes i'm also very fucking angry

ily guys

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

27 - Might Get Hurt

this chapters songs:

Cigarette Daydreams; Cage The Elephant

Loving Machine; TV Girl

Fuck It I Love You; Lana Del Rey

- Y. L. Perspective

It was a week until the inter-high tournament, meaning the team was non-stop when it came to volleyball practice. The third-years consume their spare time teaching the first-years silent rules and tricks about being on the court, the second-years perfect their abilities and energy capacity, and the first-years compete against one another more and more.

"Set it, you idiot!" Hinata hollers at Kageyama, who is standing tall with the ball above his head as the redhead leaps to grab it from his palms.

"Not with that attitude, asshole!" he remarks.

I roll my eyes in frustration. The two of them have been head-on for the past three weeks, each expanding their level of immaturity. Daichi was having second thoughts about letting them join the team but didn't dare to kick them off; he couldn't admit the fact they were exactly what we needed to make a difference in Karasuno's volleyball club reputation.

Luckily, Coach Ukai likes to keep things in order here. "If I hear any more bickering between the two of you, you're grounded from playing the first set against Tokonami High!" he lectures.

Daichi gives me a quick message over the shoulder, "Hey, how has everything been being a new manager and all?" I turn to the guy who abides beside me with his hand on my back. Though it a was friendly action, I still wasn't used to men being so friendly with me considering I always kept my guard up around them. It took a while to be able to trust the guys on the team.

"It's been alright. A month in progress and we've still got so much work to do. Are you and the boys excited about the Inter-high tournament?" I ask him, holding my clipboard of notes against my chest.

He shrugs. "I guess. We're most nervous about the first game of our last year in high school, you know?"

I hadn't thought about how much pressure the guys are under during this time. "Yeah, I understand. It must be hard to have responsibility over the underclassmen. I have lots of respect for you, captain!" I say, patting his shoulder. "You guys should go out sometime and take a night off before the competition!"

Daichi brightens at the idea of doing something other than volleyball practice and replies, "that sounds like a wonderful idea! I've been thinking of doing something for Koshi's birthday, as well."

"I've got my music competition the day after his birthday. That's a tight schedule." I look down at my feet feeling conflicted.

"Well, how about we all go out to dinner for his birthday, then the next day meet up for your competition," Daichi suggests.

I look up to the smiling brunette who has his hands crossed in confidence. "Oh, that sounds like a great idea! Just text me more about it and we can plan it out soon."

He nods, patting my head. Coach Ukai calls for him back onto the court to spike another set of volleyballs. "Alrighty, Y/n. I'm off!"

'Koshi's birthday is June 13, while the festival is on 14, and the competition is on 15. That's a lot of work for me in three days.' I wanted my boyfriend's eighteenth birthday to be memorable, so perhaps a fancy dinner would generate just that. Elegant birthday parties meant fancy clothing, so shopping with Kiyoko was the best idea that came to mind.

My eyes search for Koshi before I spot him with his hand rested on his neck as he spoke to Yamaguchi. The freckled young boy demonstrated hand movements and coordination that indicated he was practicing a new skill. I pondered upon the idea of Tadashi being open to Koshi's skills considering he has been surrounded by an ignorant guy like Tsukishima as his best friend, who most definitely doesn't like Koshi.

He looks at me from across the gym and smiles, mouthing a few words. I nod and pretend as if I understand only to see him blush and look back at Yamaguchi, who is looking at me with wide eyes, giggling. "What?" I mouth back.

"You called Koshi pretty from that angle, Y/n." A voice says from behind me. I turn to meet the chest of Kageyama, who has a small nose bleed. "Can you help me, please? I can't find Kiyoko."

He jabbed me in my heart by admitting he would rather get help from the other manager than from me but I find mind it very much. "Of course," I reply, setting down my notes on a bench and motioning for Tobio to follow me to the supply closet.

As we enter, I flick the light on and search the shelves for a first aid kit. When I retrieve it I set it down on a chair and make Kageyama sit. He seems upset for a reason unknown, so I ask, "Is everything okay? How'd you get hurt, hm?"

"W-well, if I'm being honest, I kind of did it to myself," he stutters and groans as I apply an alcoholic wipe onto the cuts of his nose. "I was practicing my sets and got carried away."

"...how?"

"I ran into the wall.." Kageyama looks down in humiliation of being clumsy. As someone who constantly makes fun of others, I had to admit that it was nice seeing karma get back to him.

I peel open a packet of gauze and chuckle politely at Tobio's cause of the mishap. "Well, maybe you should be a little less aggressive with yourself next time. We have a game coming up, you can't go out on the court all beat up, now can you?" I ask, wiping away the blood stains on his nose, then reapplying alcohol wipes. "Is anything bothering you?"

"Well, if I'm being honest, I'm nervous. You can't tell anybody!" He snaps, grabbing a hold of my wrist. "I'm nervous about filling in Sugawara's shoes. I know you guys are close and all...I'm just trying to figure out how to be as devoted and trusting as he is. When you believe that your team will take care of you just as much as you take care of them, security surrounds you. I may be a better player than him, but I'm sure as hell, not a teammate."

I return my wrists to my lap and sigh heavily. The truth is that Kageyama struggles with anger management, making friends, and keeping a good reputation. There was no way in hell Tobio could ever make as good of an impression on the team as Koshi, but I knew there was a way he could at least try. "Look, Kags. I don't know where you got the idea that you're having to replace Koshi; I wouldn't get ahead of myself if I were you, but that's why he is so vital to the team. Koshi supplies you guys with the leadership of being a good teammate and being able to recognize the guys next to you on the court as your family. It takes a long time to become comfortable around a group of boys around your age, but that's why you have to be open-minded to your upperclassman. They have been in your uncomfortable shoes and know how to grow into them. As long as you trust yourself and your team, you'll be able to grow close to these guys. Don't worry your dumb head, okay?"

The boy nods and reaches for my hand. "Thanks a lot, Y/n. I feel like you and could relate because you're also new to the team. It must be harder for you considering all the third years are practically best friends."

I thought long and hard about his comment.

"Of course, Kageyama. Anytime."

-

On the walk to the music room, I felt heavy with every step I took. I joined the volleyball club in hopes of getting a better credit score and filling out my resume, not to grow closer to a group of tiny men. At the beginning of the year, I told myself as long as I stay in my friend group I wouldn't get hurt. Now I'm in a club of boys that I feel responsible for and friends I don't think I'll be able to let go of at the end of high school.

'What am I doing to myself?'

I enter the room abruptly, tossing my book bag onto the floor next to my guitar. "Hey, guys."

Toruku sits on the bean bag chair in front of the coffee table with pieces of paper spread across the oak furniture. He stares me up and down with his crystal eyes and sighs deeply. "Hey. I'm just finishing up the song."

"Already?!" I gasp, running up to the table and sitting on my knees, running my hands through the piles of music sheets. "Wow. When are we gonna start practicing?"

"Pretty soon. I'm wondering whether I or you should sing. What do you think? Since you wrote the lyrics, I'm guessing you want to present them," he asks, making patterns of beats on his guitar.

I nod. "Yeah, I'm open to singing the lyrics. If I'm being honest, I think you should pick. Your voice would sound beautiful with those words," I reply, smiling brightly and hiding my face behind my hands as my head weighs then down on the table.

"Can I ask you something, Y/n?"

Leaning back onto the floor, I accept his question.

"Are you in love with him?"

"With Koshi?"

"Mhm."

"Yeah, why?"

A pause in his interrogation breezes into the room, rising the uncertainty between Toruku and me. Why was he asking me? I thought he was aware of how serious I was with my boyfriend. Though we had only been dating for about a month, I couldn't imagine letting Koshi go.

Toruku unstraps his guitar from his neck and stands it against the bean bag couch, then folds his fingers between each other. "I'm asking because of your lyrics. I haven't ever heard someone describe devotion that way," he says. "I've only ever been in love twice. With Moku and with you."

-

I'm literally •_•

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

26 - All Better Now

this chapters songs:

Crack Baby; Mitski

Daddy Issues; The Neighborhood

One More Love Song; Mac Demarco

- Y. L. Perspective

Kiyoko's black hair trotted down her shoulders as she chuckled at my comments, "You're right! It's so absurd seeing how the boys treat Eclair. I hate to say it—I don't want to be mean—but I'm grateful she's departing. Now we're finally able to have full concentration on the tournament rather than having to retrace the attention of the guys. I don't get it...she's not that pretty."

"Oh? Someone being envious, I see!" I nudge her shoulder with my elbow before a knock on the girl's locker room door interrupts our gossip.

I instantly get up from the bench, prepared to greet the sight of a happy Koshi that couldn't wait to go home. Instead, I was met with sad eyes that looked down at the floor and shook hands. I didn't dare say a word, I knew something was wrong.

To give him privacy, I shut the door just a bit to say goodbye to Kiyoko and grab my things. "See ya!" I say as she waved back at me. Once that was done, Koshi and I begin our walk to his car.

His breathing was so heavy he might as well have been heaving into my ear. Although I didn't want to make him furthermore uncomfortable, I knew the anticipation of waiting to ask what was wrong would eat me up whole in seconds. And so, I question him, "Kou, is everything okay?"

"Uh—yeah. I'm just...um...let's just go home," he mutters, grabbing my hand in a fast motion, leading me to his car. When we arrive, he pulls open the grey door for me to enter.

I felt sick not being aware of why he was so anxious but complied anyway. The both of us put in our seatbelts in silence and he begins the ride home. The roads seem emptier on this night, more dim than usual. Lonely winds blew through the patterns of gardens, farms, trees, and plants scattered along the trails of Miyagi, all beginning to turn a brighter color due to the seasonal change. I turn to look at my boyfriend who has both hands on the steering wheel and an irritated look on his face. The furthermore we advance on the road, the more the car accelerates.

The noise of Sugawara's thumbs rubbing against the hard leather on his steering wheel made my heart rate increase, the red dial moving up on the miles-per-hour making it even worse. "Koshi, please tell me what's wrong," I demand, wrapping my warm hand around the armrest of my door for comfort. This was the very first time I felt unsafe around him, I didn't know what to expect.

I began to notice that the lonely trees began passing by our windows faster and faster, and calling out his name couldn't do anything; Koshi was lost in a trance of some kind that not even I could pull him out of. Every one of my senses began to boost with adrenaline; my hands humid around the belt buckle and armrest, my chest weighing down against the seat, and my body weary and nauseous.

There was barely any time to intake my emotions, for we were rapidly reaching a stop sign that I had high bets Koshi would not respect. Yet, I didn't dare speak.

Instead, I closed my eyes and buried my head into my lap not expecting anything positive from his random outburst. To my fright, the vehicle came to a brutal halt, shoving me towards the buckle and back against the seat.

My arms still tightened around my head in fear as I peek towards Koshi, who has his laid on the steering wheel while his wrists hung off of its gaps. He, too, had a frightened look on his face, taking brisk inhales.

After a few seconds of terrifying silence, both of us cautiously raise our heads and glance at each other in fear. Unexpectedly, he reaches over my lap and grasps my hand, his hold beginning to tighten. I didn't know whether to flinch and draw it back into my lap or trust him after an outburst on the road that nearly put us in danger. Koshi runs his thumb against the back of my hand and whispers to himself something I can't make out.

"What?" I whimper, lowering my head to look him in the face. His eyes were closed and he looked as if he were crying, holding my hand closer to his chest. "Koshi, what is it?"

"I'm so sorry, Y/n." Koshi weeps silently as he speaks, constantly apologizing and muttering a variety of apologetic words.

The street lights defined his tearful face as if shaming him for showing raw emotions. What could have possibly happened? "Hey, hey, what's wrong? Please, talk to me."

"Y/n, I'm sorry. I wish I could be better for you, for everybody. Eclair is right, I'm worth nothing. I've given myself away so long ago, there's nothing to offer to you anymore. I'm worth nothing to you. You deserve much better...you deserve someone loving, capable of remorse and prosperity. You're so much more than I deserve, so much more than what I ever thought I wanted," he says while his tears roll down my arms, creeping upon the veins that ran through my wrists. So much transpired in a brief portion of time that I wasn't able to process sensitivity.

My cold, shaking hand brushes against the edges of the silver strands of hair on my arm, slowly roaming through his soft hair. The other palm travels under his chin, lifting his eyes towards me. I hadn't ever seen so much distress in someone's eyes, so many tears smearing across one's face.

"Hey, look at me," I mutter, starting to cry from the sight of Koshi. "It's okay to feel like you aren't enough. Everyone has gone through moments when they feel worthless—useless. But don't you understand you're the kindest, most beautiful person I've ever met? Ever since our first meeting I've questioned how someone so blissful as you would enjoy being my friend. Now that we're together...now that you trust me enough to cry to me...I feel almost ashamed of myself. Ashamed that a selfish and childish girl would keep you all to herself when you have so much love to share."

Koshi swallows a sob, raising his body to where it is now taller than mine. He positions his hand behind my ear and stares at me, saying, "I hope you know...if I could give you everything you deserve I would, Y/n. I love you. I love you more than anything."

Before I could return meaningful words, Koshi looks down at my lips, into my eyes, then down again. Slowly but surely, he folds his lips between, causing pressure to form on my lips. I accept him and close my eyes, pressing my forehead against his as my hands move up to his neck and graze the peach fuzz on his skin.

Nothing in our relationship had ever been as pure as this moment, as sensitive and special. I never realized how beautiful it felt to have someone you love so dearly expose their feelings to you without hesitation.

Having Kou's jaw define itself in my hands as he kissed me passionately was more satisfying than anything I imagined he would feel like. The rush of our tongues wrestling clouded our minds and soon our hands wandered, running down my back and under my thighs. He pulls me over the center console onto his lap and continues kissing me. A couple of strands of hair stuck to the side of my cheek because of the tears spread on my cheeks, but Koshi wasted no time wiping them off. Releasing myself from his face, I inhale quickly and rest my hands on his shoulders. "Koshi," I say before he continues kissing me. Once again I draw my lips away to speak. "You know we're at a stop sign right now?"

He swallows, his adam's apple moving up and down as he talks with his eyes shut and head against the seat, "yeah, I know. We should probably get moving right?"

I nod, cautiously leaving his hips and placing myself in the passenger seat. "Yeah, we should go home." My voice was barely heard over the tension between us.

After we buckle our seatbelts, Koshi smudged his face with his jacket to hide any evidence he overcame a breakdown and begins driving. This time, he was extra sensible about keeping his awareness and road rage in separate lanes.

I look down at my skirt and notice how raggedy I must have appeared after he had an outburst of affection, not that I didn't enjoy it. 'I haven't ever seen Koshi act so aimless before. It was as if crying in front of me scared him. He was trying to cover up his feelings by distracting himself.' The thought made me sick to my stomach. Perhaps that is what he has been doing all along: falling in love to hide who he used to be, to pay his dues. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be used that way, even if he genuinely loved me.

Now wasn't the time to build further conflict. Koshi sniffled as he made a turn into our neighborhood and catches a glimpse of me staring at him. He sure knew how to put himself back together—I couldn't relate.

-

We arrive at my house and Koshi parks his car near my mailbox. He turns off the car, grabs a few important items out of his school bag, and gets out of the car. I too gather my things before he opens my door, allowing me to step out as well. He fetches his key, locks his car, and makes his way to my front door.

I try my best not to look him in the eyes after the most eventful car ride of my life while I unlock the door and the two of us enter.

The sound of Astra's cat bell rang in my ears from the second story. "Astra, tch tch tch!" I make attempting noises to tell her it's 'food time!'

Her tiny paws click against the hardwood floor stairs before the sight of her scurrying to the kitchen. Koshi and I remove our shoes and set them on the shoe rack, as well as hung our blazers and my school bag on the silver coat rack. I made my way into the kitchen, turn on the light, and open the fridge to fetch Astra's cat food.

Retaining the can of tuna, I turn around to the sight of Koshi standing in front of me, holding my cat's food bowl with a soft smile. "I'm sorry for making a scene tonight, love. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Don't worry about it, okay? You're okay, right?" I ask.

"Yeah, all better now."

I hum in delight, taking the bowl from his large hands and setting it on the counter to finish Astra's dinner. She dances around my feet as I set it onto the ground next to her water and leave her to eat.

Standing next to Koshi, I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder. "Wanna go upstairs?" I ask him, hoping he wouldn't assume anything other than going to sleep. "I'm worn out."

"I don't blame you," he states, grabbing my hand and leading me out of the kitchen. I watch as the muscles in his arm contract while he walks and the amount of silver hair that covered it, reminding me he is still the lovely man I fell in love with.

When we arrive in my room, I head into my small closet to dress in more comfortable clothing. I remove my skirt and leggings to replace them with navy blue pajama pants, then trade my white button-up for a t-shirt with Yoko Ono and John Lennon on it.

Heading into my bed, I turn to Koshi, who is sitting in a bean bag chair with his arms crossed. He notices my shirt, commenting, "what a random shirt. Are you a Beatles fan?"

"Are you not?" I reply, sitting cross crossed on the familiar white throw sheet. "Everyone on the face of the earth is a Beatles fan, last time I checked. They're more popular than Grimlace could ever be. Being well-known worldwide is the goal for now."

Koshi grunts as he stands up and dusts off his pants then walks towards me slowly. He wraps his hand around my collarbone and tilts his head sideways. "I think someone as mesmerizing as you should be posted on every wall," he says in a playful voice, sitting down directly next to me. "One day—when we're older— I'll be reminded by others about just how amazing you are and remember you as you were still dreaming."

"What will you say?" I ask him, tilted up to his hazel eyes as if they were the moon shining through my bedroom window.

"I'll say that you were worth every second chasing after, that you're even more beautiful in person. I'll say how much I regret scaring you the night I almost wrecked my car into a stop sign with you in the passenger seat," Koshi says, chucking at the last sentence. "I know you think I'm good for you, Y/n. The truth is... I'm trying to be, I'm trying really hard. Sometimes the right words can get through and feel like a knife in my chest."

"What happened? What freaked you out?"

"After you left, I went into the storage closet to grab extra cleaning supplies and Eclair was crying in the dark," he explains as my heart begins to beat heavier. "I tried to help her from a distance but she kept pushing and pushing to go further. I—I told her to stop it, I swear. Nothing happened, Y/n. Although, after I rejected her, she said awful things about me; she recalled the guy I used to be and for a moment I couldn't put him away. It might explain why I was switching between being sensual and sad. However, that doesn't mean I'm using you to compensate for my actions. Tonight was a minor outburst, and I swear I won't ever make you feel like you're in danger ever again. I'm so sorry for putting you through that."

"Don't worry about it. Being your girlfriend means overcoming tough times, it's my commitment ensuring you'll get back up on your feet. As for Eclair, she's lucky I won't ever see her again," I comment, saddened by the thought of her breaking through Koshi's walls. "I'm glad you've cleared everything up. It feels good knowing you're treating me seriously."

He nods, wrapping his arms around my back before collapsing on one of my pillows with my head against his chest. I blindly tug my blanket over us and position myself to wrap my legs around his waist. Now that our bodies were warmly tucked in together, the night had finally come to peace.

"Goodnight, Y/n. I love you," he whispers as he draws circles on my back with his fingers, taunting me to go to sleep.

"I love you too, Koshi. Goodnight."

-

Dayum this was quite a strange chapter am I right!

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

24 - The Beginning

A/M: hi everyone, I'm so sorry for being MÍA for the past near year, I've gone through a lot recently and I've just started to get back into my usual self!!! A lot of you are still sticking around and thank you for that, it means so much. I hope my new/old writing isn't too shabby, I'm still working on it. Anyway, ily guys. Enjoy my comeback¿ <3

this chapters songs:

Air Supply; Sweet Triple

Kiss A Girl In Black; Fleeting Joys

Inside Out; Duster

- Y. L. Perspective

"Y-Y/n! Wow, what a pretty name! So...you got a boyfriend? Or a girlfriend?! If that's how you roll..." the boy shakes my hand aggressively, the sweat of his palms beginning to heat up my hand. I cringe in to discuss the feeling but attempt to chuckle. He was only a few inches taller than Tanaka and had similar haircuts except he had a bleached outgrown stripe going from the front to back of his head.

Just a second ago he was blabbing about Shoyo's strange enthusiasm with their setter, Kozume Kenma; a rather short and peculiar second year. It took not a second for his attention span to revert to Kiyoko and I. Tanaka raised his brows at the guy and nudged him away from us, asking, "What's your business with our managers and the shorty?! They're with us, you know!"

"What's it to you buddy?" He snaps back in an instant before the two of them are at each other's throats, trading the most cringe insults, including, 'looking to rumble, city boy?!'

Both Kiyoko and I roll our eyes and back away from the scenario, avoiding any contact with the opposing teams' players.

Koshi pats my shoulder gently as he speaks. "Tanaka, please do us all a favor and stop embarrassing yourself. Nobody says 'city boy'."

One other player comes up behind the taller version of Tanaka, kicking him in his ankle. "Yamamoto, behave! Why cannot you go a game without arguing? You're making a damn fool of yourself," he speaks, apologizing to Koshi on behalf of his teammate.

Both morons stop fussing at the males' orders.

Hinata, still bowing his head low, follows Kiyoko and me to the benches of the gym, where the rest of our club gathered to prepare for the game.

I could barely stand up straight, for I was extremely tired. The entire weekend was filled with training and late nights with Koshi. I was excited about being able to go home later that night and finally getting a good night's rest. But first, a game between Nekoma and Karasuno was awaiting.

"Hey, Hinata? How are you already acquainted with Nekoma's official setter? Do you two know each other?" I ask him, taking off my jacket and setting it next to Kiyoko's on the bench.

"His name is Kenma! I only met him the first day of training camp—you know, when I accidentally went off track. He was sitting near a park and we talked for a bit about volleyball before I learned that we would be playing him today. Isn't that so coincidental? Anyway, he seems nice. Why do you ask?" He begins attaching his knee pads.

I shake my head gently, returning an answer. "Just curious. You two hit it off pretty quickly."

'Setter, just like Koshi.'

Not a few moments later are we greeted by even more Nekoma players, mostly tall ones. Daichi stood next to a rather muscular guy who looked to be the age of 20. His hair parted in a very strange way and his height was nearly terrifying. "Hey guys, this is Nekoma's captain, Kuroo."

Kuroo bows for Kiyoko and me, us trading gentle smiles. "Good evening. Thank you for coming down so far for the match."

Daichi places his hands on his hips, obviously proud of having two fairly attractive female managers on his team. "

"Why, that's cool. I'm not sure I know what that means, though. So if you ever need a full-time manager job, haha we're always open!-" Daichi all of a sudden clears his throat, sending us both to draw back our hands.

"And this is Kiyoko, our full-time manager." He moves his hand to Kiyoko, having the same smirk on his face.

"Ah, how lucky is your team!"

Throughout our conversation, I had taken notice of each of the members' actual names, or at least a few.

The captain, of course, was named Kuroo. And the short guy with light brown hair was named Yaku. He had almost the same personality as Suga, except he was a bit bossier. Then there was the one who was a spinning image of Tanaka, was Yamamoto; the simp. And the small one with toned hair was named Kenma. He seemed quiet and judgmental, which was a personality trait I was familiar with within the first year. And those were the few names I knew before the game had started.

"Alright, line up!"

-

I wish I could say that the match ended abruptly. Unfortunately, Hinata extended our field trip to many more hours than expected. He insisted we gain more and more restraint over the men, although everybody else and their bodies disagreed.

It was only a few minutes after we had said our thanks and goodbyes to the team that we once again began our trip on the road, going back home.

I laid against Koshi in the leather seat, our hands intertwining with each other. Somehow we managed to sneak in affection without many of the boys seeing. Many of them had passed out against each other from being drained by the many rounds of volleyball games. He rubbed his cold thumb against my palm in light circles, his eyes calmly looking down the motion.

"I'm sorry about yesterday, Y/n," He whispers to me, careful not to make any loud noises. The bass of his voice was dramatic enough to make someone wake up.

My head leans against his shoulder and my free hand rests over his. "It's no issue," I say to him.

It aches me that Koshi could keep so many painful thoughts to himself. God forbid something to happen to him and I wouldn't know because the man believes his feelings aren't valid. If it were up to me, I'd make him feel as if there wasn't anything in this world he could be afraid of.

I held his hand, rubbing the tips of my thumbs against the abundance of thin hair on his knuckles, imagining what it would be to stay with him forever like this. Feeling his chest fall up and down under my ear, the pulse on his wrist, the grumbling from his stomach that reminded me we still lived in a reality where the world didn't stop because of our love for each other.

On the way back home, I was able to gather furthermore information about the teammates we had previously gone against; the boys who left us extremely exhausted and facing much hunger to rest in our very own beds back home.

The only names I could strike memory upon were Kuroo, Kenma, Yamamoto, and Yaku; all obtaining great power and skill, being why they stayed lingering in my thoughts.

It seemed Kuroo was a sarcastic and gentlemen type guy, with long black messy hair and a strong build as any other captain would look and act like. As for Kozume, it was obvious he spent most hours of the day cooped up in a room with nothing but screens surrounding him. The peculiar guy had bleached hair that wore off as time went on, a lanky build, and dark eyes. The other second year, Yaku, was an uptight libero with short blonde stubby hair and a lack of height. And as for the last, Yamamoto, he was nothing but Tanaka's twin with a few adjustments: blonde freak of hair in the middle of his buzzcut, more sensitive attitude, and preferred me over Kiyoko.

Many more were there, but they hadn't had too much playtime for me to be able to intake more information about them. All had many different t ways of viewing how to win a match, but together, their ideas collided quite well.

-

I bounce back onto my bed, the heaviness of the mattress going through my body as if portraying how I'd offended it. My arms gently slide from left to right and left again, hesitating whether or not to dream of Koshi or to undress for a good night's sleep. Instead of doing either, I take out my phone from my back pocket and text my mother.

Mom

hey, u home?

no. stuck at work, might stay here till super late. I'm sorry honey. We can talk all about the training camp if you're awake by the time I get back, k?

Ok

Night

Love you

-

Upon my sheets, I thought of how empty it felt not to have Koshi lying next to me, breathing in and out and in again gazing upon my features I never would've thought were as beautiful as he describes them. His fingers in between locks of my hair, making patterns that ruined its shape. I pictured him here on my bed looking at me with complete happiness. Was it that I wanted us to be in that spot? Where we didn't know what was coming nor overthink the days of yesterday and before?

I knew what would come, meaning Koshi and I could never be in that spot. We will never be able to look at each other in absolute adolescence and never worry if our future because we knew we had each other in it.

It's only been three days, Y/n. Why overthink it now?

I felt sick. After Koshi had described all the horrible things that had happened to him, why would I ever put him through something like what we knew was coming? I felt regretful. Instead of leaving him alone to experience his last years as a teenager in a normal position, I take him as my own and bound him from the freedom to discover who he wants and what he wants.

There, upon my sheets, I begin to cry softly. Not of anger or sadness, but fear. Fear of what was coming in only a few months, not even a full year. Crying because what I felt for Koshi was more than I had ever felt in my life, and to lose him is something I can't imagine. The thing is, I have to, for it's ending whether I want it to or not.

Suddenly, my phone rings in my hand, and I open my eyes ever so slightly to reveal a message.

Koshi

Are you awake?

-

My lips curl into a smile.

-

Koshi

Are you awake?

Yeah, you abt to go to bed?

No. I was feeling a little lonely

Ngl

Why?

Idk

I miss u

We haven't had much alone time

Yeah, I know

I'm sorry

Why are you sorry?

I don't know, haha

Is everything okay y/n

Yeah, I'm just feeling down

I think I'm just tired

Is anyone home?

No, do you wanna come over?

I was thinking about it

I'm sleepy, but I'm bored

I'd much rather be sleepy with you

And if you're sad then I don't wanna leave u to be sad alone

Ily

I'll be there in a few

-

Once again, I smile.

Yes, it scared me to the core that Koshi and I wouldn't last forever. It was something that I couldn't help but stress over and wonder if everything we planned on doing together was going to be a memory I will in the future want to suppress.

But so far, we're okay. It was only now that we needed to worry about, to savor. It was only the beginning.

-

estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

23 - Position

I love Koshi <3

This chapters songs:

Romantic Lover; Eyedress

Only In My Dreams; The Marias

- Y. L. Perspective

Bizarre as it is, Koshi and I managed to sneak out of the training camp successfully without making any noise or ruckus. Finding the bus stop from the building wasn't very hard either. But what stopped us from having a good time had only to do with him.

I wasn't aware of it when we left the camp. After I had come out to meet him at a corner of the building, Koshi built up the effort to grab my hand and begin walking. No kisses—no hugs—no comments, just hand-holding, and silence.

Perhaps something happened that he doesn't want to talk to me about...?, I thought. Even if I'd got to the bottom of why he was behaving so distant from me tonight, I didn't think I would confront him about it. I was oblivious to the idea of an irritated Koshi since all I ever witnessed attended to me with delicacy. This version of him sent a cold wind down my spine, making me beg he would revert to "Nice Koshi".

Instead, his hold on my hand only became progressively harsh with each second. It was my luck that the bus had gotten to the stop, or I wouldn't have been able to escape his grip and get out my card.

A middle-aged man welcomes the two of us and a few other late travelers onto the bus before Koshi and I found an empty seat towards the back of the bus. I sat next to the window whilst he was in the aisle seat, both of us putting away our cards. I was able to put both of my hands in my lap before they were broken apart by his, one of them pulling on mine.

Unintentionally, I pull my hand back into my lap, gaining a glare from Koshi. God, now I've fucked it up.

"You alright?" He asked as wordy filled his voice. I nod immediately after his question, reaching for his hand once more. He happily accepts, but his mood was telling a different story.

Finally, the bus began to move. Not many passengers were our age; most of them being adults that worked extra hours today. Hopefully, none of them had witnessed the very awkward interaction that I had with Koshi.

I hated the tension between us. I thought that we would have fun and spend quality time together, but it was starting as such an intense night.

Realizing I wasn't going to deal with this for the next couple of hours, I build up the courage to ask him "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Why, did I say something?" He asks.

"I didn't want to assume that I had done something, so I haven't asked you. You seem angry." Koshi grew cold.

"...I'm sorry. I guess I didn't notice I was acting a certain way. I'm not angry at you, I swear," he panicked, adjusting himself to look right at me. His thumb brushed my jawline softly as he stared into what felt like into my soul.

My heart sinks thinking about how something was bothering him. Whatever it was, I had a feeling I couldn't do anything about it. "Then what are you angry about, Kou?" I ask him, settling my cheek into his hand.

He looked down in embarrassment, clearing his throat before speaking. "Volleyball stuff. Nothing important."

"Hey—your personal life is important!" I say to him in a lecturing way, putting my hands on his knees.

"I know, I know. But it isn't worth talking about when I spend time with you, Y/n. I'd rather try to make the most out of our date instead of sulking over stupid things," he explains.

I lift his chin to face me once more, serious about asking him what happened. "Please tell me, Koshi. You're always listening to me about my issues, so why shouldn't I?"

He sighs in realization I'm not leaving the bus without him telling me what made him upset. "I'm pretty sure I got removed from the official setter position." Immediately after hearing that, I shriek, clasping onto his shoulder.

"What?! You're not official setter?! Did Ukai do that?! Why? What happened, Koshi?" So many questions leave my mouth before he shushes me by covering my mouth with one of his big hands.

"Y/n, hush! Why are you telling the entire bus?" He scolds me, but I still panicked. "No, I'm not. Ukai and I talked about it before we left and he told me that if I were to be replaced with Kageyama that we'd have a better chance at winning games. That's all that matters, right? It means we'll be able to compete more."

Although he didn't like to talk about it as much as he did when we were younger, I knew how much Koshi loved volleyball and the club. Of course, he'd sacrifice his playtime for everybody else. He had worked so hard for his position, his experience was barely starting.

I couldn't imagine being replaced. Seeing him give things away so easily made me angry, angrier than when he didn't tell me his feelings. I pull his hand away from my face and nudge his shoulder aggressively. "What?! Why?! What did you do about it? Why did he do that? Koshi, did you get in trouble for something? Tell me you at least tried to keep your spot."

"Maybe I didn't. I know Tobio has far more talent than I ever will and ever have," he states.

I roll my eyes back. Of course, Koshi was to think that. "That isn't important. You have so much more experience with both the game and your teammates. Why would Ukai make a first-year the official of anything?!" I argue. A few heads of adults turn our way as he tries to settle me down. "How could you let all your hard work go to waste like that? Do you know how angry your father is gonna be? I don't want you to have to endure his stupid morals about volleyball. Can't you be selfish for once in your life?"

"It's not about me, Y/n. Besides, wouldn't you say that handing it over to Kageyama for a greater chance of wins that my decision is pretty selfish?"

I crack my knuckles, angry to admit that Koshi was making a good choice for his team. I felt as if I would do anything for him to know that he is still a very important person.

My fingers brush against his arm lightly as a sign to make him look at me, for I had something important to remind him of. "I know it's none of my business. I know that this isn't my position or my life, but I only mean to help you. You deserve recognition for how hard you've worked," I say softly. "You still mean so much."

His eyes darkened with every second he inhaled,  pushing him closer to the point of tearing up. It wasn't long until his cheeks turned a darker shade of red and the corners of his eyes becoming glossy.

At first, I panicked. Koshi had never cried in front of me, so I never got the chance to comfort him. This was my first time looking at him as he patted his eyes with the corner of his shirt, hiding his flushed face from sight.

"Koshi..." I mumble in a soft voice. An exhale is heard come out of his mouth before he turned to me, tightening his jaw. It became obvious he was upset. His face began turning a rose color and not the positive kind. What could I say to him to make him feel better? "Whatever. It's just a position, right? That doesn't make you any worse of a player. In my eyes, you're the best setter on that team."

I knew it as a fact that men tend to hold back their real feelings in concern that they'll look weak. When the time comes for men to let the stress drain, insecurity tends to poke at them.

He sighed heavily as he did many times before, placing his arm around my back while my hands still held onto his chest. "Thank you, love. I'm so great full to have you in my life," he tells me in a hushed tone in an attempt to make me smile. I do so, wiping a strand tear on one of his soft cheeks.

I knew that my words couldn't fix much, they could only give him a bit of comfort in his decision. If there were a way to make it known to him just how important he was to me, I'd gladly do it.

From that night on, nothing else was discussed. Koshi and I only sat in our seats against each other, falling asleep from time to time while stressing over what he stood for when it came to the club.

-

I'M SO SORRY.

I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry

I haven't written in so fucking long!!!! School is extremely stressful but every day I wish I could go back in time and write the way I used to with a passion;( don't fear because I plan on making a comeback. What do you guys think abt a Halloween-themed chapter?

Pls have a nice day and ily so much and miss you all

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙂𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙊𝙛 𝙔𝙤𝙪 - chapter masterlist

𝙎𝙪𝙜𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙖 • 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧

pairing: Koshi Sugawara x Reader

a/n: the entire making of this book is synced from wattpad, so ignore if i make any hints/remarks that sound like they are made for the app.

summary: Almost everything I was involved with related to career. Pursuing music was what made me happier than anything, therefor, leaving Japan to continue it was no issue for me. I had it all planned out until Koshi became the thing that made me happier than anything. And now, leaving him is most definitely an issue.

tw: death, self harm, foul language, smoking, drugs, subjects of abuse

masterlist:

You’re Familiar

Growth

Music Room 3007

Learn To Receive

I’m drained

Too Little, Too Late

Our Realization

Confession

A Chance

Come Over

Volleyball Practice

Coincidence

A Skilled Opponent

Can’t Be Unsaid

In Love, For Real

Is This A Good Idea?

So Called Guardian

I’ve Missed A Lot

Clean Canvas

You’re Finally Mine

Unwanted Inconvenience

Plans For Later

Position

The Beginning

Connection

All Better Now

Might Get Hurt

How To Move Forward

Safeword

disclaimer: HAIKYUU!! And the shows characters belong to Furudate, not me.

wattpad link:

Enjoy the story!

- estrxlar

#sugawara x reader #ao3 #fanfic #shounen #wattpad #writing #koshi sugawara #sugawara koshi #sugawara koshi imagine #sugawara fluff #sugawara hcs #hq sugawara #sugawara x y/n #sugawara imagine #koshi sugawara x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyu x reader #hq x you #hq smut #hq angst #hq headcanons #hq x reader #haikyuu angst #sugarawa koushi #haikyuu smut

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

22 - Plans For Later

This chapters songs:

Pretty When I Cry; Lana Del Rey

Your Teeth In My Neck; Kali Uchis

4EVER; Clairo

- E. T. perspective

I can only explain this feeling with one word, torture. Watching as he smiles down at her, holds her hand, grabs her waist all the ways I wish he did to me. Why does this always happen to me? Why is it every time I develop feelings for someone, things never go my way?

Y/n isn't easy to hate. No matter how long I stalk her social media page and find new things to ask her about, she always has an excuse, and it's never sinister enough to make Koshi hate her too.

But Koshi will never hate Y/n, and neither will I.

It's not her fault that the dummy fell in love with her. Her scent, her voice, her skin— everything about the girl is so much better than any cell in my body.

I remember the first time I met him. I was looking for a sport to get used to and found that volleyball was the most entertaining and friendly. There were limited players and not very good ones. Back then, Koshi was considered one of the best players, but his title was taken from Kageyama. I knew the instant he looked at me that I wanted him to be mine.

From time to time, Koshi would give me eyes under his lashes when we spoke, brush his hands against my back when he wanted, and do so many other things that made my heart throb. I thought that he felt the things I felt as well. That was until the week before I left Japan.

It was just the two of us in the supply closet, cleaning up after another day of practice. The light timer had just gone off and the both of us ran to reset it, making our bodies collide with each other. Unintentionally, he pressed me against the wall with both hands, breathing over my shoulder.

I was running out of time back then. I only had a week to kiss him, to talk to him, to love him. All different scenarios ran through my mind as I turned around and stared deep into what I assumed were his eyes. I had my chance to kiss him. So, I did. And he didn't resist.

He let me touch his pale cheeks with my fingers and slip my tongue through his lips. He let me press myself against his chest and whimper while I fought his tongue with mine. He even helped himself to press my hip back against the wall. My skin ran cold, wishing I could feel what was under the shirt he wore.

Did Koshi want to feel me too?

He didn't. I knew he didn't, and it was painful. I knew that no matter how much I kissed and held him, he wouldn't ever return my feelings. Koshi only kissed me for the hell of it. He was empty, as always. What made him this way? Why wasn't I ever enough to fulfill the man I love?

I shoved him away and covered my blushing face that now had tears running down it. "Koshi!" I shouted out. "Why do you do this to me?! You give me so many mixed signals even though you know you'll never love me back! Why are you torturing me this way?!"

Koshi attempted to calm me down with many gestures of hand waves and shushed, but I wailed into the darkness, crying out his name over and over again. My heart felt as if it sunk to my feet. It wasn't his fault that I fell in love with him, but blaming someone for my issues felt like the only solution at the moment.

"Why not me?! Why do you—why do you like so many girls but me? I'm here, Koshi! You know I'm in love with you yet you haven't given me any sign or hint! Is this all you wanted from me?! Was I just another girl for you to concur?"

He grabbed my shoulder and caught my attention in an instant, yelling back at me. "Eclair, I'd never do that to you! You're worth much more than someone who can't last a day in a relationship. Especially...especially someone who doesn't love you back."

It hurt so much to hear him say those words. Now that he truly does love another girl, I don't think I can handle hearing them again. Why did my relationships never work out? All I've ever wanted was to feel loved by someone. My parents don't make much of an effort. What is so good about Y/n and not I? Why couldn't he have changed his ways for me? Am I that bad?

At this point, I have no idea what to do other than stare at the bunk above mine, hearing the steady breathing coming from Y/n as she sleeps. He loves her, and not me; that was the most painful thing that I have ever realized.

-

- Y. L. Perspective

When I went to sleep, I didn't think I would wake up sweaty under the comfortable, feeling as if I had a severe fever.  I open my eyes and stare widely at the white ceiling above me, wondering if Kiyoko and Eclair were burning up as well.

'I hope I don't have to do much activity today.' I think to myself as I sit up in the top bunk. My legs dangle off of the wooden barrier that contains me from falling out.

"Hey! Eclair is taking a quick shower. Ready to cook breakfast?" Kiyoko says, grabbing onto the bedboard. She wore a lilac shirt with blue sweatpants; something comfortable to start the day.

'Guessing she didn't go through hell and back last night?' I rub my eye, nodding to the girl as she slips her phone into her back pocket. "Hey, is it just me, or was it super hot last night?" I ask.

Before leaving the room, she gives me a side-eye. "Uhm...no. But I know why you were." Her voice is filled with curiosity, telling me something wasn't right. "Last night, you seemed to have a dream of some sort. Nightmare or something more..?"

The smirk on her face is diminishing. Did I have a strange dream last night? I couldn't seem to remember. If so, I hoped I wasn't tossing and turning like a maniac.

Embarrassed, I slap my face gently, hiding my red face. "Shimizu!" I whine to her. I, unfortunately, forgot any memory of my dream last night the second I opened my eyes. There was no knowing what made me have hot flashes. "I'll meet you in the kitchen. Give me a minute to freshen up," I tell her, climbing down from the top bunk.

-

I could hear a few of the boy's voices as I roasted the vegetables on the stove, letting a smile creep up onto my face. If they were awake, that meant Koshi was getting ready as well.

I knew that Eclair's being here stopped us from being as affectionate as we would like to be, but seeing each other was all we needed to get through the day.

"Almost done, Y/n?" Kiyoko asks me from the counter as she plates the meat and rice we cooked. I nod, turning off the stove and pouring the vegetables into a bowl. The both of us pick up a few plates to take to the mess hall. Takeda was right behind us as we walked there with utensils and plates.

Kiyoko kicks the door open, revealing two tables full of hungry boys. We set down the food onto a counter for them to begin serving themselves. After carefully placing my bowl of vegetables, I turn around to glance for Sugawara.

Of course, he was already behind me. "Good morning, Y/n and Kiyoko. Thank you for cooking us breakfast," he says as friendly as possible. Though the entire volleyball team except Eclair knew we were a couple, Koshi didn't want to make a scene out of our relationship.

Shimizu rolls her eyes playfully, wafting her hand in the air. "You guys can play 'dating'. Eclairs showering so she won't be down here until another twenty minutes." Leaving the two of us in front of the serving table.

He runs his neck, smiling at me. "How'd you sleep?" Koshi asks me, lowering his voice to where only I can make it out under the noisy volleyball club. One step closer results in his body softly pressed against mine and his hand resting neatly on my shoulder, his eyes staring back into mine. At that very moment, discovering why I'd woken up so sweaty this morning wasn't any struggle.

I become red in an instant, flustered at visions of Koshi being intimate with me in my room. His facial features lit by moonlight, his lips gentle tugging on mine, his scent showering my body. Wonders about my first time would enter my mind once in a while, but I've never had such a vivid image of what it would be like. It wasn't as if I could continue fantasizing about it in the breakfast line.

"Y/n...are you good?" Koshi squeezes my shoulder gently, waking me from a daze. Blinking rapidly, I look away from him in shame of my perverted thoughts and nod.

"Yeah! I slept great. What about you?" A bright smile is enough to clear up any worry that he had brought upon himself. He grins back, sliding his hand from my shoulder to my wrist, fidgeting with my fingers as he spoke.

"Good, good. Although, sharing a room with eleven boys isn't very peaceful. I bet Kiyoko and Eclair let you get some rest," he says, giving us both plates to begin plating our food. I grab a few fresh vegetables and a scoop of rice, then pour myself and Koshi and cup of green tea.

He nods his head to the left, motioning for me to follow him to an empty table where we could discuss how our night went further. We sat down our plates and sat across from each other, saying our thanks.

"So! Got any ideas about what we might be doing today?" I ask him as I began eating my food.

He scoffs lightly. "Well, Daichi told me we are gonna be running for the entire morning. Then, I assume we'll be extending our skills in the gym for a while. If we have any free time, wanna sneak off somewhere and head into the small town?" He looks up at me before taking a bite of steak.

Running and training don't seem all bad on behalf of Kiyoko and me. All that meant was that we would be handing out water and towels for them; regular manager things. "Yeah! Do you think we'll get in trouble if we do?" I whisper, leaning closer to him.

For a second, he stares at me intensely, then looks to his left and right. "No, not if we don't tell anybody."

He bites his bottom lip slightly and gulps his tea. Ever before he could notice I was staring, I look down at my plate and continue eating.

It wasn't the risk of getting in trouble that scared me, but what might happen when I go out with Koshi. Perhaps being alone with him after having a dream about fucking wasn't the brightest idea. Although, I wanted so badly to spend time with him without having to refrain from any couple-like behavior.

With that in mind, I say yes to his request. "Sure thing. Got any ideas about where to go? Or more importantly, any money?" I jokingly ask, making him chuckle at me. He shakes his head gently, eying me.

"Yeah, I got money. If it's okay with you, we can hop on a few buses and wander the city." I grew eager to do exactly that. During the summer when Grimlace was invited to open for concerts, we would blow our money on cheap motels and bus bills, but always made the best memories while doing so.

Of course, I'd want to go with Koshi. And so, I smile brightly, resting my head on my hand, and looking at him while he happily ate his food. "Yeah, I'd like that." Now, our schedule didn't seem so bad. We'd be able to spend time with each other once it was clear of volleyball training.

-

Hey hey hey my bbs. Tysm for reading, I tried to make this chapter fulfilling enough to build excitement for the next one!! As always, take care of yourself. Love you and pls vote!

(Ps. I love the new comments)

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

21 - Unwanted Inconvenience

I've changed the band name from "Xannys" to "Grimlace". I am extremely sorry for making you all suffer through having such an awful band name in the past.

I cannot stress this enough, please vote for my chapters! And I love every comment I get so much!! It makes my day seeing the number of comments I get:)

This chapters songs:

Retreat! - Crumb

Sponge Won't Soak - Wild Moccasins

Dark Red - Steve Lacy

- Y. L. Perspective

"Uhm...Suga?" Tanaka's voice is heard to our left, waking both me Koshi up from our very long nap. "We're here you know."

His awkward tone alone was enough to send us both jumping out of our seats, fearful that the entire team had waited for us to get up. But thankfully, it was just Daichi and Tanaka standing above us.

Both Koshi and I look at each other in unison. "Sorry..." he manages to mumble while leaving the seat. I follow him shortly after, leaving the van empty.

Was I sorry? No. The nap against Koshi was five stars. I hadn't ever had such a comfortable car ride in my entire life until I rested on him. Besides, he was my boyfriend. Why would I be sorry for something silly like that?

What I was sorry about was that we almost got noticed by Eclair. The entire team knew about Koshi and me, except for her. I didn't know much about her and from what I perceived of her she didn't seem like a drama starter. She would most likely cry and yell and forget about it when she went back to France in a couple of days.

We had thought everyone would be tired after such a long car ride. But not Hinata. He admired the structure of the big building, yelling, "Wow! I've never been to a training camp before! This feels so cool!"

"It's just a training camp," Kageyama remarked, yet Hinata stands unfazed.

The team entered the building, all of us observing its basic beige architecture and decor. Everyone gathered around Takeda to ask which rooms they were assigned to. As for Kiyoko, Eclair, and I—we had asked him beforehand to get a head start.

All three of us manage to sneak off from the crowd and hunt down our room number: #613. Although I wasn't very comfortable around Eclair, I didn't feel uneasy to be sleeping in the same room as her. It only meant I couldn't update Kiyoko on my relationship with Sugawara.

Once we'd found our designated room, I unfolded the tiny key and stick it into the lock, hearing a click not soon after I turn it.

When I had opened the door, I wasn't entirely dissatisfied. There were two bunk beds on each side of the room, all four mattresses covered in floral printed sheets with nightstands next to them. The curtains had the same pattern as the sheets, falling over a large square window.

Overall, it was a nice room. Way nicer than the previous motels and hotel rooms that my band had stayed in during concerts and such. All stank of marijuana and alcohol.

Eclair's brackets make a 'jingle!' sound while she squealed, "it's lovely!" The girl runs up to one of the bottom bunks and places her bag there, collapsing onto the mattress. "I'm so thankful to be spending my last few days in Japan here!"

Kiyoko nods gently, her too putting her luggage on the opposite bunk bed. Assuming she wouldn't mind it, I threw my bag on the bunk above her. It would most likely be easier to communicate with her if I shared a bed with her.

"Yes, it's very nice," I say, smiling merely at the blonde girl.

Kiyoko began to unpack her toiletries into the small drawer attached to the bunk bed. I hopped down from the top bed and did the same, observing the carvings that the drawers had. Names, dates, and funny remarks were scratched out in the middle of it, lots of them left from previous sports or art students that came to this building for a camp of some kind. All were either hilarious, inappropriate, or gentle. But in all, they made me smile.

"So you're in a band, Y/n?"

In my eyes widen in fear. Nobody from the team other than Sugawara, Daichi, and Kiyoko knew that I was in a band. So how did the girl find out?

Hesitantly turning my head, I nod, making out an awkward smile across my face. "Uhh, yeah. How'd you know?"

She sits up confidently and chuckles. "I was taking a glance at your Instagram. You seem to go on a lot of trips around the world!"

I wasn't very used to being confronted about my band. And besides that, being acknowledged she was looking through my Instagram was stressful. If she knew about my band, was it possible she knew about Koshi and me?

"Yeah, I travel now and then." Proceeding to unpack my things as if it was no issue to be questioned, I place my pairs of shoes under the bed.

No matter how uncomfortable I attempted to make my tone, she kept on going. "Oh...that sounds like fun! You must have so many fans. Your voice is great too. I wonder why you've never told them team about Grimlace!"

"Hm, I like to keep my life outside of volleyball private..." I say. "Could you please not tell anybody else?"

My question sure was quiet but clear to her. It would determine whether or not Eclair was a bitch or genuinely a nice girl.

Thankfully, she nods lightly, messing with her nails. "Of course not."

Suddenly, the conversation is put to the side by a knock on our door, sending Eclair, hushed Kiyoko, and me to flinch.

Kiyoko puts a hand on her chest, sighing in relief that the tension was interrupted. "Come in," she tells the person on the other side of the door.

Two boys are revealed; Nishinoya and Tanaka walk in, already dressed down in their "sleep clothes", which consisted of a white t-shirt and shorts. Could I talk any mess about their outfits? Nope! I was planning on wearing the same thing.

The buzzcut bow flutters his eyes at the sight of Kiyoko brushing her hair and quickly grows flustered. "L-ladies! Dinner is on the table." He spoke loud in nervousness. "Do you guys like your room?"

"Tanaka, we've been in here less than ten minutes. I'm surprised you're already gotten dressed!" Kiyoko speaks in a sweet tone that seems to mesmerize him. She finished up brushing the ends of her hair and dusts her hands off on her sweat pants, before looking towards the other two girls in the room: Eclair and I.

We nod and drop what we were doing to exit the room with her. If the odds were in my favor, Eclair wouldn't continue interrogating me during dinner. If so, she would soon find out about Koshi and me from one of the men that walked behind us, flustered they'd

Not soon after leaving, we arrive in the mess hall, where the volleyball club was spread around filling their plates and emptying them into their tummies.

The two boys leave our side to continue eating and we help ourselves to some plates. Today they served simple rice, roasted vegetables, and chicken. Nothing special, nothing utterly disgusting. As I'm picking up my food, I look over to the lunch table that the boys were scattered upon, keeping an eye out for any gray-haired men.

There he sat next to Daichi, eating small portions of the rice left in his bowl. 'Does Eclair's being here mean I'm not allowed to sit next to my boyfriend during dinner?' I think internally, finishing filling my plate.

Kiyoko helps herself to sit right next to Daichi, fitting in with the rest of the third years that sat on the bench next to the second years Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita. Across from them were the first years and the terrible two: Tanaka and Noya.

I stood uncomfortably at the end of the wooden table, looking over it to see if there were any empty seats I could eat in. All that looked back at me were eyes of curiosity and confusion.

It only took a few seconds of staring until someone was nice enough to mention my standing there.

"Y/n! Why don't you take my spot? I'm just about done anyway," Daichi tells me while he got up from the bench with the now empty tray. I look at Daichi, then Koshi, then to Eclair who was now walking towards the lunch table.

I of course didn't want her to take my spot, so I nod and bow politely, before switching places with Sawamura. He pays my shoulder gently, whispering, "you're welcome!"

Kiyoko and Koshi both smile at me, scooting over the slightest to make room for me. I say my thanks for my food and began picking at my rice, listening in on the boy's conversation.

"And then I spent my time practicing on the girls' team since I didn't have anyone else to practice with me. It sure felt like I was a part of their club!" Hinata told us, Eclair sitting down next to him, beginning to eat her food as well. "What about you guys? Did you guys have any rough stories before getting into volleyball?"

Tanaka cuts the air with his pointer finger, motioning for us to pause any conversation until he was done chewing. "I used to be a mega introvert before attending Karasuno!"

"Yup, Ryunosuke was just like Kageyama but worse," Nishinoya commented.

I raise a brow at the mention of that. Tanaka—a boy at the edge of having a breakdown?! I couldn't speak for myself. I too was a short-tempered girl towards the beginning of high school.

Kageyama scoffs, rolling his eyes at the mention of his name. "I'm not that bad, you know." We all knew that was a lie. As much as he denied it, Tobio struggled with his anger issues.

Eclair raises her hand slightly, swallowing a lump of rice. "Don't sweat it Kags, everyone has their embarrassing issues. For instance: I used to be such an obsessive girl in my first year. I'm sure I was a nuisance to many of the people in the volleyball club. Always talking in class and being a ditz was my specialty!"

"What about you, Y/n? Have you ever been involved in volleyball, or is this your first time being a part of a volleyball club?" Nishinoya asks me. At first, I thought of shaking my head and replying with a no, as if my memory of middle school had disappeared from my mind.

After thinking about what to reply with for a second or two, I nod my head slightly. "Hm...in junior high I was on the girls' volleyball team, but I was more of a bench warmer. I only joined the team to be closer to my friends, that's all."

"Aren't you friends with the captain of Seijoh 

boys volleyball club? You know, since you went to middle school with him?"

I look up to the girl who assumed such ridiculous things, Eclair. There she sat with her chopsticks in hand, lips parting slightly. It was crystal clear that she was trying to dig out my history and force me to tell the volleyball club about my personal life further than what I was comfortable with.

Knowing that I was uneasy, Koshi lays his hand gently onto my knee under the table, squeezing it ever so slightly. My heart beats in its cage, anxious at how many ways this conversation could go if I had said the wrong thing.

"...is that true?" Asahi asks, looking at his fellow teammates to observe their reactions. All of them looked just the same: betrayed.

"Eclair, it's best not to assume things about people you barely know," Koshi tells the girl in a monotone voice, making it obvious that he knew her intentions.

'Well, this got awkward fast.'

"It's okay. Uhm— I'm not friends with any members of Aoba Johsai's volleyball members. Where did you hear that?" I ask, setting down my utensils and clasping my hands together. Surely her reasoning has to be good if it meant ruining my very new relationships with most of the boys at the table.

Most of them sigh after my question, placing hands in their chests. "I thought you were a traitor for a second, Y/n! Eclair, you scared us half to death!" Noya whines.

The girl blinks a few times, shrugging. "I'm terribly sorry! I heard it from a girl that goes to Aoba Johsai, she says that Oikawa never stops talking about Y/n! She only knew by looking up your name and finding out she went to Karasuno."

"Seems you have a crush on Y/n, Eclair. You're almost addicted to looking into her past." Kiyoko suddenly made a remark, smirking as she drank a sip of her water.

The girl grows flustered very quickly, blushing. "No! Sorry, Y/n. I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I'm only interested in what it's like to live without many boundaries. My father never lets me lay a finger on anything that could potentially ruin his vision of what his daughter should be," an innocent look is spread across her face as she says so.

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that Eclair." Yamaguchi makes a sweet comment, ignorant that she was guilt-tripping. I'd never pictured her to be such a manipulative girl yet calm and poised at once.

She nods, continuing to eat her food.

Though it was her fault entirely, Eclair was saddened that what was supposed to be an enjoying dinner turned out to be silent and awkward. I was growing extremely tired of her passive-aggressive attitude towards me, but losing sight of why I came to this training camp was not an option. I don't care how badly Eclair could hurt my feelings, I won't let it get to me.

-

Thank you so much for reading this chapter!! I know it's been so late since I've updated. Pls forgive me! I've just now started school again so things are keeping me from writing. Love you all as always,

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

20 - You’re Finally Mine

This chapters songs:

I Follow You; Melody's Echo Chamber

Hot Rod; Dayglow

My Jinji; Sunset Rollarcoaster

- Y. L. Perspective

I let out a low groan, attempting to stretch out my arms and legs. But when I touched Koshi's, I remember that we were latched onto each other. Throughout the night, I hadn't imagined that sleeping with him would be so peaceful. His gentle hands holding me against him, the way a simple hum would run vibrations throughout his chest, and best of all: being able to look at such a lovely face to wake up to.

He pays my back gently, followed by his gentle voice. "Y/n? Are you awake?"

I open my eyes slightly to peek at him. A very bright sun ray showered his grey hair and fair skin. "Hm? Yes, I am now." Shoving my face back into his chest, I sigh. "What time is it?"

"It's ten. I'm sorry for waking you, but Isao is wondering if you want breakfast," Koshi explains briefly.

I blink a few times to refresh my mind, nodding slightly. Was his brother serious about making our food? That was something I hadn't experienced in a while. I usually made things for myself or ate leftovers for breakfast.

After Koshi dismisses his little brother, he proceeded to pat my back as if I were falling back asleep. "How did you sleep? I hope I wasn't bothering you all night," he asks me.

"Pretty good. I was very comfortable." A smile appeared on my face without any effort. I trail my fingers across his collarbone under his t-shirt, thankful that my first night with Koshi was as calming as sleeping through the rain. "What about you?"

I was hoping that I hadn't kicked him or done something embarrassing while I was asleep. The risk was a high percentage, especially since I'd spent the night mostly laying on his chest.

But Koshi didn't say much. He only gave me a very warning smile and tightened his hands upon my waist, maneuvering closer towards me. Curious yet scared of what he would do, I grew frantic, feeling my face heat up while he did so. And finally, he closed his eyes, brushing his lips against mine, before kissing me gently.

My hands rushed up to his face as my shoulders stiffened. Such a sudden action made my heart beat out of its chest, I was sure he could hear it.

Unfortunately, he ended our kiss after a few seconds, pulling away from me slightly.

"So, I'm guessing that's a yes?" I manage to let out a few words in my tired voice. Koshi nods, sitting up from his spot.

That was the first time I'd woken up in his bed while lying next to him. And boy, did I cherish that moment as if it were impossible to forget.

-

"Good morning, Ms. L/n," Isao chimes as Koshi and I walk into the kitchen with our zombie-like behaviors.

Nonetheless, I smile at the boy, happy to be seeing his familiar face. I was beginning to grow on him and his playful personality. I bow and greet him a good morning as well, before Koshi bumps his hip into mine, laying a hand on my back. "Y/n, you don't have to bow every time you see them." He says to me, making me shoot up to stand straight.

"Uh, sorry! I guess it's just an impulse I do to people," I explain myself, followed by Isao's sweet laughter.

"That's alright! I was just about done," he says, placing a small piece of fish onto a pile of a couple of other pieces. Next to the grill pan was some white rice and a pot of miso soup.

The smell fills my nose and I begin to build up my appetite. "Oh, okay! Would you like me to get started on some tea?" I hurry to the other side of the kitchen and attempt to search for a pot. But of course, Koshi stands there with one in his large hands, grinning at me.

"You're our guest, Ms. L/n! Please, sit." Isao carries the plate of rice and fish to the table, accompanied by a few bowls of miso soup. I hadn't been welcomed with such a normal morning breakfast in so long. Not even my friends' parents treated me like this. But mostly because we were all family to each other.

I could only hope that I didn't look too bad. I had changed into some pajama pants and a smaller shirt so I wouldn't look like a homeless man walking around such a nice house. But freshening up my hair, breath, and face could only do so much. As for Koshi, he still looked as beautiful as ever in the mornings.

I make myself comfortable in the same chair I'd say in the previous night, waiting for Koshi and Isao to join me. After they did, I said my thanks, and we began to eat our breakfast.

To my surprise, Isao wasn't half bad at making food. In fact, it was very delicious. Mostly because I hadn't had such a good breakfast meal in what felt like a million years.

"So!" Isao cleared his throat with a gulp of green tea.

"How did you love birds sleep?"

The boy clapped his hands enthusiastically. The nickname made me cringe on the inside, but I simply chuckled lightly and shrugged my shoulders. "Pretty good. You guys have such a lovely home," I comment, replied with a nod from Isao.

"Yeah, yeah. So your band; are you guys popular and all? Sorry, I know that probably isn't what you might want to talk about, but I'm interested in Koshi's new girlfriend," he says, followed by one of Koshi's passive-aggressive throat clearings.

I eye both of them, smiling awkwardly while swallowing my food. "Uhm, it's okay. We're fairly known by a few people at school and some family. Our discography is small since we mostly produce covers or requests we receive from our amount of fans."

It was obvious that Isao was very excited about having a musician in his house. I was only worried that Koshi would grow tired of talking about music. So, I take the wheel of questions and begin my mission to find out more about his family.

"What about you? Are you interested in any sports or art hobbies?" I ask, wiping my hands on one of the small towelettes he gave me earlier.

Isao nods. "Kind of! I like messing around with the drums now and then. But I mostly did a lot of volleyball back in middle school."

I hadn't thought about how old Isao might have been. Curious, I ask, "wait—how old are you? I didn't know you were in high school."

Little did I know that it wasn't something Koshi and Isao weren't up to talk about that subject, for they glanced at each other with surprised looks. "Uh...I should be starting in-person high school after the summer break. Right now, I've been doing homeschooling."

"Oh..that must be nice!" I attempt to lighten the mood a bit. "Are you excited? You get to experience a lot of new and fun things in high school. I'm positive you'll find something you like. Do you plan on going to Karasuno or...?"

"Yeah, I do. I only wish Koshi could have been a second year so we could be closer together!"

The mentioned man coughs while drinking his tea, wiping it soon after. "Uhm, don't worry. I have a couple of people who'll be looking out for you." I assumed he was talking about the volleyball team. Isao would no doubt fit in with those guys.

"You said that you're going to the states after graduation. Is that true?" The sudden question makes both Koshi and me choke on our rice. The only time that I would ever discuss the matter was with my friends. I was always afraid that talking about it in front of him would cause problems between us.

Noticing I grew uncomfortable, Koshi interrupts with yet another question. "Would you like to come with me to Y/n's concert? It's not much of a concert...more of a competition for bands. But if it's okay with her, I could take you with me. I know we'd both love to see her perform live, right?"

Isao practically jumps at the statement. "Wow—really?! Of course! Can we go, Ms. L/n?" He looks at me with big puppy eyes in excitement. How could I have said no?

Proud, I nod to the boy. "Sure thing. But you've gotta be careful in the crowds. There will be lots of people there."

The rest of breakfast was used as a way for Isao and I to get to know each other. Though they came from the same mother and father, Koshi and he were two very different people. It could have been that they got different types of acknowledgment from their parents, or they coped with their mother in different ways. He sure seemed like a rowdy boy. Very charismatic, curious, and a top-notch smart ass.

Koshi and I helped tidy up the kitchen, he notified us he would be going over to a friend's house. I was only to assume that this friend was like family to him, for Koshi dismissed him as if it were nothing. After that, we decided to begin getting ready for the training camp.

-

A/n: If you come across messages from the guys that sound cringe it's only because I'm trying to make them sound realistic aka what they would actually text like😭

Crow crew

Daichi

Hope everyone is heading to the gym soon

Let's try not to give Takeda a hard time this weekend. He's been treating us very kindly these past few weeks.

Tanaka

Yeah man he got us a really cool new manager

haha thanks

Asahi

Who's ####

Tanaka

I just said

Really cool new manager

Aka Sugas gf

Koshi

Istg

Noya

R u serious my brother😕

So you just take every girl you see now

Asahi

Suga didn't tell me that:0

Koshi

The way we haven't even been together for 24 hours and you somehow managed to figure it out

Tanaka

WAIT IT IS TRUE-

Daichi

This is literally supposed to be a group

chat meant for volleyball only

Leave Koshi's personal life alone and mind your own business guys

Noya

Don't be so uptight 🗣

Y/n I thought you liked me 💔

What about all that stuff you told me under the cherry blossom tree

Daichi

Noya oh my god

Asahi

Wow, this escalated!!

Daichi

Where are you guys, heading to the school hopefully?

Koshi

Y/n and I just left the house

Is Kiyoko there yet guys

Kiyoko

Almost :))

Meet me in the girl's locker room

Noya

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT

Tanaka

WH

What lmao

Tanaka

YOU SUMMONED HER

Noya

YEAH SHOW US YOUR WAYS DARK LORD

Bc I'm god( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ennoshita

Hey everyone

At the gym👌🏻

Yamaguchi

Good afternoon!!🌞

THE EMOJI WXBISJS

Yamaguchi

SHSHSHS

Tsukishima

it's gay

Noya

You're gay

Tsukishima

Wtf lmao no I'm not shut up

Tanaka

You've triggered something

Daichi

Stop it guys

Hinata

OMG I WOKE UP LATE

Koshi

Uhh

Try to get to the gym fast

Asahi

Hey you shouldn't text and drive

Tanaka

Especially when you got your girl in the passenger seat🤨

Koshi

Don't worry guys it's me

[image of you and Koshi in the car]

Kageyama

who's dirivng

Yamaguchi

Driving* and Koshi is obviously driving in the picture🙄

Kageyama

Im talk shout the training camp

Daichi

Takeda, he's taking his van like always

Hinata

CAN WE BRING SNACKS PLEASE???

Daichi

Yes but not to eat in the car bc I don't wanna cause Takeda any issues with having to clean it

###-###-####

That's fine with me!! Hinata can bring snacks( ◠‿◠ )

Is that Takeda Senseis number

Tanaka

Yes

Koshi

Pls try not to make a big deal of Y/n and I

Noya

Why wouldn't we💀

it's not even that huge + I'm sure you guys don't care that much

Tsukishima

Yeah I don't

Tanaka

Cmon noya that's one of kiyokos best friends we can't be mean😥

Noya

SHEEESH alr see you guys soon

—

- K. S. Perspective

"...are you telling me that she's coming with us?" I look at Daichi with a very serious face, afraid of what he would respond with.

I thought it was flattering that Eclair wanted to spend her afternoons at volleyball practice with the team. But was it appropriate to have her come with us to the weekend training camp?

Daichi sighed. "Well, she did ask Takeda and I beforehand and we didn't have it in us to tell her no. Besides, she is a big help to us. She's been doing a lot more than talk to the second years as of recently. Don't you think you're worrying too much about it? I'm sure she won't make a move on you again, especially now that you've got a girlfriend."

"She doesn't know that, dammit." I cross my arms and sink into my seat. I knew that she wouldn't take the news lightly when she found out. If I were lucky, she would last her entire stay in Japan without knowing.

He sighs again, adjusting himself in the seat. "Koushi, just fall asleep. We'll be there in only an hour."

It didn't hurt me that Daichi didn't want to talk about Eclair. She was draining, after all. I prayed that she wouldn't be causing issues during this weekend. The last thing I needed was another inconvenience.

Instead of sitting with Kiyoko the way she usually did, she had to sit alone. Eclair insisted she take her spot next to Kiyoko, but Y/n didn't want to make a big deal of it.

As the bus began driving off into the evening, I look over to the girl, observing her tired eyes as they wander over the valleys outside. Did she mind being alone? I wasn't sure. All I knew was that I wanted more than anything to sneak over to her seat when no one was looking. To have her head rest nicely on my shoulder.

'Would anyone even notice if I were gone?' I think to myself, checking if my best friend was still awake. Sure enough, he was dozing off against the window, giving me an open spot to sneak up next to her.

Careful not to be noticed by Takeda or any other volleyball members, I crouch over to the seat in front of mine. Y/n looks over in a flash, taking both her earphones out. "Kou, what are you doing? Are you allowed to sit next to me?" She whispers to me before the two of us lock eyes.

"I have no clue, but you look tired," I say to her as she closes her eyes and smiles gently. The orange-colored sunlight showered down on her beautiful features, making my heart melt right there in the moment. Desperate to feel her, I bump her head with my shoulder, offering her a personal pillow. She happily accepts and fits right between my left collar bone, making me beam with joy. I pay close attention to her small flinch when I began to ever so gently squeeze her thigh lovingly. Dear Y/n was finally all mine and no one else's, finally. Of course, I knew she belonged to herself and had personal boundaries that I wouldn't dare cross. She was an independent and reluctant girl after all. But my girl. One I would love forever and ever.

-

Yes I still added fluff at the end what abt it😾

Ily pls note and comment I read every single comment you guys give me and it makes me seriously so happy

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

19 - Clean Canvas

This chapters songs:

Here She Comes; Slowdive

Dog Cuddles; Dad Sports

Dream Girl; Crisaunt

- Y. L. Perspective

I tapped my chin with the pen, frustrated that you weren't able to come up with anything. "Ah! Koshi, that hurt!" I yell at him as he softens his hands upon my shoulders. He was giving me a gentle back massage while I tried writing my first lyrics, but I was struggling to find the right words to say.

"Sorry!" He then stops squeezing my shoulders, letting his hands slide down my torso, and pull me into a hug from behind. His head nuzzled into my neck as he spoke. "What is the song about?"

I shrug. "I don't even know yet. Maybe I should just write about how much of an untalented and wasteful girl I am!" I scoff, rolling my eyes back. Now, out of all moments, my feelings decide to disappear.

Both Koshi and I say criss-cross on his bed with one single lamp on in his room. His room was not at all what I was expecting. I'd perceived it to be much messier in my head, the way an average teenage boys' room would be. But no! It was spotless and quite basic. Still, I felt very comfortable in his arms as I attempted to write down some ideas. Feeling his heartbeat on my back was enough to make me feel at home.

"Why don't you write about us, Y/n?" He asks me as he pulls me back and forth in a sway motion. The suggestion had already popped into my mind before. But if I could write about it, what would I say? How I'm in love with someone who won't tie the knot between us?

'What am I doing at his house if he's not even my boyfriend? I've got to gain some self-respect.'

Perhaps bringing it up wouldn't be as bad as I thought. So, I pull myself away from his arms and sit in front of him, fully staring at his confused face.

"What is it?" His fair voice questions, one of his fingers attempting to fiddle with my oversized t-shirt.

There was so much to say. Why arent you my boyfriend yet? Why won't you tell me what's on your mind for once? Aren't you excited about the training camp? But I decide to pick the first question. "Koshi, what's there to write about? I...I know that we both like each other very much, but what does it matter if you won't call me your girlfriend?" I look down at the grey shorts I wore, afraid that he would be disappointed in me for wanting more from him.

"I didn't know you felt that way. I guess...I guess I just wanted you to feel comfortable around me, not forced to be with me," Koshi mutters under his breath, ashamed he underestimated my love for him.

"Well of course I want to be with you!" I exclaim, leaning my head onto his chest. It worries me that he felt insecure about his love. It wasn't as if he could be giving me too much affection. So why didn't he trust that I loved him?

I sigh while he rubs my back in a circular motion, wishing he would tell me things that bothered him like this. "So you wouldn't mind being my girlfriend, Y/n?" The man's words are clear to me when he said them, not lagged like all the other times.

I nod my head. "Of course not."

"Hm, okay. Then for our first memory of being a couple, I wanna hold you," Koshi says, laying us both down onto his mattress. He leans over me, stretching to grab one of the blankets on his shelf, and unfolding it over us.

"But it's so cold. Why don't we just go under your comforter?" I ask him, pulling slightly at the corner of the thick bed sheet. But he denies my request and pulls my wrist back.

He says, "Uh-Uh-Uh! I prefer it to be cold. When we go to your house, we can use the comforter. If you're that cold then you're gonna have to hug me tighter."

I'm surprised at how stubborn Koshi was being with me but glad he was becoming more comfortable with sharing his opinion. He treated me like a princess most of the time instead of asking for what he really wants. Even if it was just the matter of a blanket.

"Do you wanna help me try and think of something to write about?" I ask him in the most delicate voice.

"What's something that saddens you, Y/n? Something that you're worried will cause you despair towards the future?" Koshi asks me. I genuinely hadn't thought about it yet. "Love is more than just feelings. I think it comes with a lot of pain. Has there ever been any pain that you've encountered during being in love?"

"Not really." My words couldn't be more honest. With Toruku, I felt sick that I had a crush on my best friend's boyfriend. And when she passed, those feelings for him weren't nearly as strong as the ones I felt about her death. As for Koshi, I've only been scared of the pain. But I hadn't endured it yet. At least that was what I thought. Truth is that every lasting second I spent with him could only cause me more and more pain in the future. "Maybe when I find what to write about, I shouldn't tell you. I should let you figure it out when I'm done with it."

"Planning something behind my back?! How evil of you." Koshi jokes, leaning on one of his elbows to hold himself up as he looked at me. With the pale moonlight shining down on him and the lamp lighting the room up slightly, he looked more beautiful than ever. I was glad that I was the one to be able I witness such an ethereal moment with him. Especially since he held me in a special place. I was his first love, after all. That's more important than any relationship he could have had with previous girls.

Attempting to obtain reassurance, I grow curious and begin to play with my new boyfriend, asking small questions. "So...what does it feel like to have sex with a girl, Kou? I've never done that before... do they smell nice? Are they soft?" It was obvious that I'd caught him off guard, for he stuttered and looked at me strangely. "I promise I won't get jealous if you tell me. I only want to know what it's like. It may help me with writing if you tell me about passionate moments like that."

Given that I'd never done anything that was borderline sexual with anyone else, I was curious about how it felt. Both physically and mentally.

"Uhm—stressful. And I haven't done it as much as you might think, so I haven't ever enjoyed it." It comes to me as a shock that he didn't have a slightly good experience that he could tell me about.

"Wh-really?! But...I thought all guys liked it! You're saying it didn't even feel good?" I waft my hand into the cold air, confused.

"No, silly. Of course it felt good, but it wasn't as passionate as you think. I wasn't ever in love with any of those girls, so it only made me feel worse. Sex isn't good for those who aren't ready for it," he explains to me.

I nod, understanding a bit more of what he meant. "Does that mean you weren't ready?"

"Mhm. I wasn't," he says. Deciding to switch up the question, he asks me, "So, what is it like to have sex with a guy? I bet they aren't very good-smelling, are they?"

I blink a few times. "Uhm, I dunno," I say, growing shy at the question. "I haven't ever...you know...had sex."

Too scared to look at Koshi, I stuff my head into a pillow and sigh obnoxiously. Though I knew he wouldn't make that much of a big deal out of it, I didn't want him thinking I was a prude. A lot of people that knew I was a virgin made fun of me for it. Truth was, I'd never found someone worthy of taking my virginity. Many told me that it was horrible for your mental health, especially for younger people like me. Not to mention how scared I was that whoever took my virginity would be rough with me and it would hurt like hell.

"Hey, hey...don't get all embarrassed on me. A lot of people haven't. That's nothing to be ashamed about. Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a woman. If it were up to me, I'd go back and stay a virgin until the right time," Koshi states. His attempts to cheer me up were sweet, but not working all that much.

"What do you think, Kou? Do you like me better that way? You know, as a virgin?" I ask him, slightly peeking up at his lost expression.

Yes, it was something very awkward to ask. But I did want to know what he preferred. Not that I would be able to change last second if he didn't like me as I was.

"Th—that isn't something I have power over, so I don't think about it. But...you could say I prefer it."

I'm happy with his answer. Still, I was curious about the reason, so I ask, "and why is that?"

"Well...um...I'm not too sure. Not to jump to any conclusions, but think it's because...if you weren't a virgin, then our first time together wouldn't be as memorable. It's sure is selfish of me to say, but I would rather you remember me as someone who shared that moment with you. That's why I wish I would have waited until I met you," Koshi began to grow flustered towards the end of his explanation.

"And if you wanna put it into a metaphor then you could say that being a virgin is like being a blank canvas. You can only hope that someone will make something lovely of you by the time they're finished."

I haven't ever heard someone describe being a virgin in such a beautiful way. And he was right— the first time is always something you remember. That is if it's enjoyable for you. I could only hope that I would lose my virginity to someone as gentle as him.

"Then when the time comes, could you please be that person, Koshi?" I spoke, laying a hand on his chest. My nervous nature was far too obvious for me to hide. But thankfully, Koshi didn't mind it. He knew asking something like that took courage. Such profound questions weren't something to joke about.

My heart race died down when I hear him tell me, "Of course, love."

Koshi quickly gets up to turn off the lamp and I make myself more comfortable under the thin blankets and many pillows he had on his bed. When he comes back, he wraps his arms around my waist and holds me close near him.

It was no wonder that he didn't like to talk about his previous experiences with girls. He hadn't enjoyed them. But I was sure of it: and day, I'll make it up to Koshi.

"Goodnight, love. Maybe tomorrow you'll come up with something to write about, hm?"

"Yeah, goodnight." With one last kiss on the cheek, Koshi and I doze off to sleep.

-

Hey everyone!! Just so you know, I have a special playlist on my Spotify that I made just for this fanfiction. I always add the songs that I include in the chapters, so please go check that out in case you'd like to listen while reading!!

I love you always!! Thank you for reading I do appreciate it <3 make sure to take care of yourself

AND PLS VOTE >:(

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

18 - I’ve Missed A Lot

This chapters songs:

Car; Porches

The Poetry Of August; Lamp

Homage; Mild High Club

- Y. L. Perspective

"What'd I miss?" I ask, running up to Kiyoko. My left shoe was barely holding onto my foot after I'd run so fast from the changing rooms to the gym.

For the past two practices, I'd had to skip to do a couple of recording with the band. But man—I missed the wrong days.

Her greys eyes grow wide as she shouts. "Y/n! There you are. I was wondering if you would show up to—" I quickly put a finger over her mouth.

"I don't want anybody knowing I'm late!" I whisper loudly. Once my other shoe was on, I straightened up my back, looking at the gym in front of me.

'Why are there so many random men here?'

"They've already noticed, Y/n. Just sit tight, I'll go tell the coach who you are before he kicks you out of e gym."

'Coach?!' I think, turning to question Kiyoko and her statement. But before I'm able to, she's already speeding to the side of an older, taller man.

It was only a day before our weekend training camp was next on our schedule. I didn't think too much about it. My only job was to clean up after my team and take care of them with Kiyoko. I was so caught up in writing new song lyrics that I had completely forgotten about Eclair and her presence, which was now a part of my day.

"Hi, Y/n! It's nice to see you again!" Her soft voice says from behind me as she comes to my side, looking at the floor in front of us. "The team missed you!"

I nod, smiling. 'Please, be quiet today.' I thought to myself as my eyes wavered towards Sugawara. He smiles at me, waving one of his hands, then putting it back down.

As for my relationship with him, it hadn't changed much. We were still staying silent about being together or not. I think what made us both have our doubts about being girlfriend and boyfriend was the idea that we would get too attached. Either way, that didn't change the fact that we already acted like a couple. The only difference was that we didn't have labels.

Kiyoko ran back to me in an instant with a scared expression on her face. "Uh...the coach wants to see you personally. He's right over there," she says, pointing to the man.

I gulp down the fear that was choking me and nod to Kiyoko, walking towards the man with my head down and my hands together. When I arrive at his side, I introduce myself as the manager. "My name is Y/n L/n, one of the managers of this club. My apologies for arriving so late, sir," I say, straightening myself again.

"Ah! Takeda had told me there were two managers. It's nice to meet you, I'm Ukai. For now, I'm nothing official. Your team supervisor is simply a persistent son of a bitch, so I had no choice but to come down and see what the fuss was all about." He explains himself. "So, it seems your team is a bunch of feisty young boys. Do you have any notes on them you wanna give me? I'm trying my best to get them into shape before that practice game they have after the training camp."

"Hm. I do have a couple of things I've been saving recently. My only big concern is how to get the little guy— Nishinoya— to become an official part of the team without another player." I point my pen to the second year as he stretches out his arms.

Ukai seemed to be one step ahead of me, for he raised his brows, pointing to yet another boy. But this one was nothing like Nishinoya. He was most likely the tallest on the team and had the features of a grown man. "Well, that issue seems to be fixed already!"

I purse my lips, embarrassed that I'd been so stupid as to miss so much. "I'm sorry, Mr. Ukai. I haven't attended practice ever since Tuesday, so I haven't been caught up on what's been going on," I say in a disappointed tone.

"That's alright. You just make sure to catch up with your friend, Kiyoko, and you should be all set. For now, just sit back and watch the practice game," he says. With that, he sends me off back to Kiyoko. I hadn't thought that he would be so nice to me after the look he gave me from afar. But I was glad that he'd let my absence slide this time.

Throughout the game, I wasn't allowed to talk to anybody other than the people on the bench, which was only a few of the boys I wasn't too comfortable having a conversation with. As for Kiyoko, Eclair wouldn't stop pestering her with facts about France and her appreciation from the team. Especially Sugawara.

But all wasn't too bad. In fact, this was the best game that I had ever attended. Not only was I able to see the skills of Nishinoya and his partner further, but Koshi was included. He was with a few of the older men and Noya, as well as Asahi, the man that was resistant to come to any of the previous practices.

There were many times when I wanted to scream and shout for the boys. Thankfully, I decided to be smart and not make a full out of myself. Instead, I sat tight, completely focused on Koshi. Was it a bad thing that I hadn't noticed his talents beforehand? I felt horrible that I hadn't been asking him about volleyball. The moment that he began to play, I was able to see just how passionate he was about volleyball. The gym floor was where he belonged, just in the way that I belonged with music.

Just like that, the first set had ended.

I spent no time gathering water bottles for the men, handing each of them a towel and bottle. Sadly, I wasn't able to reach him before Eclair did. It wasn't as if I could go against her actions. Koshi and I hid our feelings from the team, so it would be obvious if I stole him away for a second to give him compliments. I wanted nothing but to praise him for doing so well in the game.

After the boys return to the court, Kiyoko bumps my shoulder. "You know, I haven't seen Sugawara in such a good mood until recently. He's matured into a more enthusiastic guy. Do you think that has anything to do with you?"

"Maybe. It doesn't matter, though. I just want to see him do what he loves," my voice breaks in an instant as I put my hands together in front of my face, smiling at him as he looks back at me.

-

Though I had absolutely no clue who the extra grown men playing with our club were, Kiyoko and I still bid them a farewell before beginning to clean up with the rest of the team.

"Y/n! I wish we could have talked to you more today!" Nishinoya runs to my side, putting his hands onto my shoulders. The young man didn't seem to take the hint that I wasn't interested in him. Still, it was nice to be surrounded by a change of scenery. I was used to quiet, composed friends and family. "Asahi! You've gotta meet our new manager!"

The two of us look at the tall boy as he grows fearful. What did someone like him have to be scared of? It wasn't as if I would bite one of his fingers off. Hesitant to greet me, he rubs his neck, awkwardly smiling. "H-hi, I'm Asahi. It's nice to meet you."

"Mhm, you as well."

Am awkward silence overcomes us.

"Oh, come on! You call that a greeting?!" Tanaka intervenes, taking Asahi and I's hands and bringing them together. "Asahi, this is our totally awesome new manager, Y/n! She's a great girl and very fun.

Y/n, this is Asahi! The cry baby!"

"Hey! I'm no cry-baby," Asahi says, frowning.

I smile back, taking my hands back into my pockets.

"Erm, it's nice to have you back on the team, Asahi."

Suddenly, we all bring our attention to the temporary coach, who clapped his hands together.

"Great game today, everyone. Our main problem is receiving, so we'll be practicing that tomorrow, got it? After everyone has gotten their things together, please make sure to get lots of rest and arrive here tomorrow at 6:00 PM!"

Everybody nods, bowing lightly and running out to change into their regular school clothes. As for me, I decided to simply take my clothing in my bag and head home in my uniform. As did Sugawara.

I head out of the locker rooms and make my way to the usual spot we met up at after practice. There he was, looking up at the stars. He soon notices I walk towards him with absolute joy. "Why hello, Y/n."

"Hello, Koshi," I utter to him, smiling at his silly behavior. He wraps one of his arms around my back as always, beginning our walk towards home. "You were so good today! I haven't ever seen you play before. I wish I could have known sooner so I can suggest things to the team, like, 'Sugawara sure is a great player!' You know?"

"Well, now that you've seen me play, I think it's time I hear your band perform."

I'm surprised by Sugawara's words. Hear me perform? I could have sworn he'd already heard me and my friends perform a song. I tell him, "well then, you'll just have to wait till our competition. It's around next month. And if you'd like, you can bring Daichi and Kiyoko along. That Asahi kid too, I'd he's your friend."

"Can you imagine the number of requests you'd get from the first and second years if you told them you're in a band? They'd go crazy," he says. "But if it's next month, doesn't that mean you've got a lot of work to do? Are you sure you have enough time to be coming to volleyball practice?"

"That's why I need some help on finding an idea on what to write about! So far, I can't find a way to write anything." I slap my forehead in disappointment.

Sugawara lovingly pats my head. "Just forget about that for a second if it's bothering you, sweetie. Are you excited about this spring? The tournament is coming up as well. Have you talked to your friend Oikawa about it?"

"Koshi, he isn't my friend! And no... we haven't talked ever since the practice game. Should I ask him to say what he wants before I block him for good?"

He shrugs. "I dunno. Honestly, I've never had anybody be very persistent to apologize after something so mean."

"Hm. It's okay. I'm excited to be spending some time with you~" I lean into him, making him stumble slightly. "I know it's weird to say, but I'm proud that you decided to play today. I know you have potential that you don't use and it hurts to see you bottle up your talent that way."

Sugawara looks at me with the most gentle expression he'd ever shown the earth. "I—I try. Thank you. I'm glad I could show you that I'm not a completely useless player," he chuckles. "Honestly, I don't think I'm gonna be playing on the court this year."

I nudge him hard. "Sugawara! Don't say things like that. You're speaking words into existence. Try to have as much confidence as possible and I'm sure that our...new coach...will let you play!"

"Hm, maybe."

By the time we had arrived at my house, the clock struck 8:00 PM. I hadn't expected to be staying out so late. Since there was a surprise practice game, I had no choice.

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow," I say, unlocking my front door, and stepping inside the house. As always, it was quiet and felt empty. I turn to smile at Koshi one last time before closing the door, but he stops me with a rug at the wrist. "What is it?"

"Uhm...since it's Friday, do you just wanna sleepover at my place? That way we can get ready together tomorrow." His skin turned peachy as he asked.

I was yet to visit his house. It was always mine that we'd hang out at, so I was very caught off guard by his request. Come to think of it, I didn't know much about his family or lifestyle when it came to being home. All I knew was that his mother left his family with a cloud over their heads. And so, I laugh awkwardly, "ha, are you sure it's okay with your dad? I wouldn't want to be intruding or anything."

Sugawara quickly shuts down my reply, saying, "of course not. My little brother has people over all the time. But if you don't want to, that's okay."

I felt nothing but happy that he had invited me over, but was it really a good idea? After what he described his father as I was scared he would think of me as a burden. Although, I didn't want to pass my chance to meet his family. And so, I nod slightly.

"Okay, yeah! But I have to get some things together. Do you wanna come inside real quick?" My excitement is heard through my tone. I open the door wide for him to enter the house. He does so, happy that I had said yes.

-

"Come on in!"

Not in a million years did I ever expect Mr. Sugawara to be such a welcoming man. So tall, too.

"I've just gotten back from work, so excuse my strange appearance," he says to me as Koshi and I walk into the house. The man was the spinning image of his son: silver hair, hazel eyes, and thin yet strong build. But no beauty mark. He wore black blazer pants and a button-up white collared shirt, telling me he was a sophisticated man.

I bow. "Thank you for having me, Mr. Sugawara," I say to him.

"It's no issue. Your brother and I were just finishing making yakitori," he stated, before rushing back to what I assumed was the kitchen. After Koshi closed the door behind us and we took our shoes off, he led me there.

He and his other son were setting up the dining table. The boy was surprisingly shorter than Koshi, had pale brown hair instead of silver, and matched beauty marks with him. 'His mother must have been a brunette', I thought to myself as he ran off to help his father and brother.

Not soon after did the younger Sugawara look my way in the surprise of my presence. "Uhm—hi!" He says. The voice that came out of him was just as raspy as Koshi's, but a bit more aggressive and whiny.

'So...his mom must have had brown hair, was a short woman, had a raspy voice, AND gave her sons the beauty mark..' I was very quick to build an image of what I imagined his mother to look like. If only I'd be able to meet her in person.

"Hello. Could I help you guys with anything? I'd love to." My hands rub together like clay, sweaty and clammy. I didn't realize how nervous I was to be around so many men at once.

"No need, I'm just about done!" Mr. Sugawara placed a very big plate of skewers in the middle of the table. "Why don't you sit down with Isao and Koshi."

I do as told and make my way behind the kitchen and into the dining room, where a fair wooden table and a few zaisu chairs surrounded it.

The younger boy decides to sit across from Koshi and me, snaking eyes at me every few seconds. I think not much of it. It must have been strange to have a random girl join him and his family for dinner. Nonetheless, he doesn't think twice to begin his pattern of questions. "So, are you Koshi's girlfriend?" He bluntly asks with a grin on his face as the mentioned man scolds him.

"Isao! It isn't polite to ask people questions without introducing yourself first," He says as his dad continues to pour cups of water in the kitchen, pretending not to hear much of the conversation.

I feel my cheeks heat up immediately. How could I have explained that we were in love for quite some time but haven't been tied down yet? I clear my throat, looking at Koshi, who is shutting his eyes in embarrassment.

"Oh! Well, I'm Isao Sugawara. It's a pleasure to meet you...Y/n is it?"

I'm utterly surprised by his question. From what it looked like, Koshi had already told his brother about me. It was flattering yet terrifying. "Yes. It's nice to meet you as well." I try my best not to sound grim, but it's hard when you're stuck in such an uncomfortable situation.

"I'm guessing you're the one he's been hanging out with so much! You're so pretty! Come to think of it, I don't think Koshi has ever had a girl over." The boy chuckles.

'I thought he had many girls wrapped around his finger.'

Ending the most heart-racing conversation I'd ever experienced, Mr. Sugawara comes back with a few drinks in hand. "Well then, let's get to eating!" He exclaims, giving everyone their glass of water before sitting down next to his youngest son.

Each of us grab a skewer and began munching on the delicious chicken yakitori. Every once in a while I'd look up at the family, who didn't seem to be by the idea someone out of their comfort zone was there. As for Koshi, he kept asking if everything was alright for me and smiling. The sweet guy had no clue how shaken I felt.

"So then, tell us about your friend, Koshi." His father gulps down the last bite of his yakitori to drink a sip of his water.

The boy blinks a few times. "Uh—well, Y/n and I used to be friends during our first year but separated until this year. We've really renewed our relationship!" He laughs anxiously, downing his glass of water after his brief explanation.

"So, do you like to play volleyball too?" Isao interjects.

"Uhm, not exactly. I'm just one of the managers of the volleyball club. I've only been there for two weeks," I reply.

"What do you like to do? You seem like a sophisticated girl!"

Koshi snatches the chance to speak about me. "Y/n is a musician! She plays guitar and is a vocalist for this band she's in. She's even going to sign with a big label once she graduates!"

"Oh, cool!" Isao slams his hands on a table with a bright smile spread across his face. "I've always wanted to meet a musician! Koshi is so lucky to have a cool girlfriend like you, Ms. Y/n!"

He snaps at his little brother again for calling me his girlfriend, nervous now that his father was listening in this time. But Mr. Sugawara simply chuckles. "How fun, Y/n. So, I see you have some big plans! What kind of music do you and your band play?"

'Jesus, I did NOT expect that.'

"Mostly rock, sir. We're more of a punk band than anything," I say, folding my hands in my lap. Though the yakitori was delicious, I wasn't Anel to take in another bite. "May I do you all a favor as to wash the dishes? I appreciate you having me over so suddenly."

I stand up from the zaisu, picking up both my plate and Koshi's. Isao and his father also hand me theirs, thanking me for my kindness. "Do what you'd like! Thank you for joining us."

-

MF PLS VOTE THE RATIOS ARE SO SAD

IS MY WRITING THAT BAD?

also ily pls take care of yourself <3

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

17 - So Called Guardian

This Chapter’s Songs:

November; Tyler The Creator

Desire Lines; Lush

Show Me How; Men I Trust

- Y. L. Perspective

I swiftly take off my blazer, shoes, and tie, keeping an eye on the new yet old girl. After she had introduced herself to me, she finished up her conversation with Kiyoko. As I hid behind the locker to change my outfit, I listened in on Eclair and her reason for being here.

"Yeah, so I just got back! I'm leaving again around next week! I'm on spring break to see my mom, so I thought I could by after school to visit the old club! Maybe if Takeda lets me, I could stick around till I leave," she mumbles, smiling down at her shoes. The girl looked like an unboxed expensive doll with rich clothing included. "Oh...I have a question."

Kiyoko hummed, tying her shoes on the bench.

"How's Koushi doing?"

I felt as if my ears were stretching out towards her, hearing every single vowel she spoke out. 'Suga? What does she want to do with him? Maybe they're old friends.' I hoped and prayed that the two weren't involved in anything together. If so, that would give me another issue. I didn't want some beautiful girl near Koushi if they had history. Especially not if they're so close for them to be on a first-name basis.

I slam my locker shut, getting ready to put on my shoes as well. Both girls are surprised by the sudden sound, but I ignore it, continuing to "mind my own business."

"Uhm..." I feel Kiyoko's eyes wander towards me at the mention of Sugawara. "He's been doing pretty good ever since school started. I don't know much about his personal life."

I spot her hands tightening in on each other in the corner of my eye. "Oh! Okay, I'll just ask Daichi then. The only reason I'm asking is that...well...you know."

'You know?! What the hell does this girl want with Koushi?! And it's not like I can say I'm his girlfriend or anything...' I think to myself, finishing getting dressed. "Hey, Kiyoko, we should probably get going. We don't wanna be late to practice," I mutter in a nervous voice, rubbing my neck.

She nods to me. "Yeah. Uhm— Eclair is coming as well if you don't mind."

'Of course, she is.' Once again, I smile, saying, "that's fine with me! Gives me some time to know her." The girl squeals in excitement, getting a head start to the gym before Kiyoko and me.

When Kiyoko pulls open the gym doors, we're greeted by a few players that were already there. To my surprise, there seems to be a new boy in the gym.

I had expected him to greet us, girls, in a gentle manner the way the rest of the team does. Instead, he yells out to the black-haired girl, "Kiyoko! Come to my arms sweet mama!"

Repulsed, she slapped her hand against his face, making sure he hadn't touched her. "Stop that," she demanded which in her therapeutic tone that I could never take seriously. I only stood at the doorway, confused as to why there was a short, loud little man at our feet.

"I've missed you!" The boy gets back up, standing a good distance from us. Kiyoko simply scoffs before walking to the supply room, leaving Eclair and me with him. He looks our way almost immediately, grabbing both of our hands and kissing them. "Hey, ladies! Now, Eclair— you better tell me who this fine girl!"

She giggles lightly. "That's Y/n! I just met her a few moments ago, so I'm not sure I can tell you much about her!" A few moments after he turns back to the rest of the team, she leans close to my ear to whisper, "that's Nishinoya. He was our old libero before leaving for temporary discipline."

Kiyoko rolls out a basket of volleyballs, calling me towards her while Eclair greeted our players. I run towards her, helping her unbuckle the straps that held the casket together.

"So...who exactly is this Eclair?" I ask her, causing her to roll her eyes.

'I'm guessing no one good.'

"It's just an old manager that was around for a month or two during our second year. Throughout that time, she managed to get every boy on the team to wag their tail for her. I wouldn't call her a slut or anything, just very flirtatious. She didn't do much. She was more of a cheerleader for the boys so drool over," she explains. I look over to Eclair, feeling ill by the fact she was much closer to any of the players than I was. "And about Sugawara... she had a major crush on him for a while. You might want to keep an eye on him since you two are a thing."

It seemed Eclair was a huge threat already. With her formality, style, and beauty, I most definitely had my doubts about keeping Koshi in my grasp. I stared her down as she walked over towards him, greeting him with a small hug. Internally, I felt like ripping my head off at the sight. But I just tried ignoring it and continuing my task.

Thankfully, Daichi yells my name out, calling for me to head over there. I do as told and run over towards the group. He tugs at my shoulders, wrapping one of his strong arms around them. "This is Y/n. She's been a manager of ours for a week now, but she's pretty familiar with the third years. I think she'll be helping Kiyoko out until they graduate. Y/n, this is Eclair and Nishinoya— second years. Eclair was assistant to manager for a little while and Noya is our team's libero."

"Wow, that's so cool! So is Eclair gonna be a manager too?! That would be so awesome if we had three pretty girls in the club!" I cringe at how girl-obsessed this Nishinoya seemed to be and how sweet Eclair was behaving.

She smiled, giggling at the boy's question. "No, silly! I'm only here for a week! Since I'm still on spring break, I'll just be hanging out with you guys a couple of times before going back to France. I'm so sad that I have to leave all of you sweet boys for good!"

Daichi let's go of me, letting me wiggle my shoulders around. "Noya, you haven't changed all that much after leaving school for a while."

"Oh, whatever. I'm just excited to be back on the team. So, where's Asahi? Is he back yet?"

Everyone grows silent at Noya's question, looking anywhere but at him. 'Who's Asahi? This team is really lacking communication skills,' I think to myself. "Well...Uhm," Daichi mumbles in a hesitant tone.

"Damn coward." Nishinoya makes a sudden remark, changing the cheerful atmosphere he led just a few seconds ago.

Tanaka tried shutting up his peer, scared he'll get himself into even more trouble than he was already in. "Noya! Show some respect for your upper class-men!—"

"Oh shut up! He's a scared little cry baby and you know it," he yelled back to Tanaka. "If Asahi's not coming back, then neither am I!"

'So dramatic.' I think to myself, raising my brows at the awkward situation. Before anybody can stop him, he rushes out of the gym, leaving us worried. It sure was the "guardian" that Daichi described last week. Blunt and loud.

"Hm..so who's gonna run after him this time?" Tanaka groans, disappointed that his reunion with his friend came to a sudden stop.

Eclair frowns, beginning the sentence of her idea. "Maybe I could talk to him—" but she's suddenly interrupted by Koshi, who stands right behind me.

"Y/n! Why don't you do it?" He and his patronizing smile showed no mercy towards me. Placing both of his hands on my hips, he turns and leads me towards the door. "Come on, it'll be fun! Noya is always nice to gorgeous girls. Right guys?"

The team nods, chuckling at Koshi's strange behavior, given none of them had ever seen him act so touchy with me. In fact, he'd just told every member of the club that he thought I was gorgeous.

I give him a death stare, attempting to unleash myself from his grasp. He still kept a cheerful mood and was determined to see how I could handle this situation. "Koshi—I dunno... I just met the guy two minutes ago!"

When we reach the door, he suddenly got close up to my ear, whispering, "you'll be closer to the team ten times more than you were if you get him back. I just want you and the team to feel comfortable before announcing anything."

As annoyed as I was with him, I understood. My friends knew Suga, but they weren't very close to him in any way. I didn't blame him for wanting me to communicate with them. Still, that didn't change the fact I was pissed with him for putting me on the spot like that.

Sighing, I roll my eyes, awkwardly smiling at the team as they look towards us. And before I knew it, I'm off looking for Nishinoya.

I felt released when I had spotted him sitting nicely under a cherry blossom tree. As cheerful as the area was, he looked quite disappointed.

I debated once more if I should have butt into a problem that I truly had no acknowledgment of— if it was the best idea to potentially ruin this opportunity for the volleyball club. Unfortunately, he had spotted me in his peripheral vision before I could doubt myself any longer.

"Did Daichi send you?" His raspy high pitched voice questions me while he cracked his knuckles.

'Well, not him, but his best friend.'

I shake my head, sitting down in the empty spot next to him on the bench. He quickly turned the other way, crossing his arms like a child. "I'm not coming back," Noya scoffed.

I was lost. Was there anything other than coming back to the club to talk about? His skills. "Uhm, so, you specialize in defense, right?" I prayed to every presence that I was steering the right way with this conversation.

"Why do you think that?" He asks. "Cause I'm short?"

I shake my head again. "No, It's because Daichi kept calling you 'Guardian'."

"Guardian?! Where did that come from? I mean, I'm not that important. It's embarrassing—really!" Bingo! Noya grew flustered about the nickname and faced me, denying his excitement. "D-did he say that?"

"Mhm, supposedly you're pretty important."

But all good things must come to an end. After a few more seconds of happiness, he reverts to his angry attitude. "So what?! Does Daichi think giving me a badass nickname is enough to make me come back? I mean he's not wrong but—damn is Daichi that's not fair."

'It's not all that. Honestly, it's kind of cringe. But whatever floats your boat, I guess.' I wonder to myself how I could possibly make this stubborn boy agree that he was needed on the team. Without a script in my hand, I came up with the best I could do. "Look, Noya. I don't know much about volleyball or the club the way you do. Hell, I've only been here for a week and I'm already stressed out. But I'm positive that you're important to us. We have this kid...his name is Hinata. You met him earlier. You see, he has potential, but he still needs a lot of practice on his receives. And from what I know, that's the most important aspect of the game. Right?"

Nishinoya abruptly stands up, near crying at my explanation of how badly we needed him. "...wow,

L/n! You know how to convince a guy!" His voice wobbles in emotion. "Of course I'll help you! I

mean— Hinata! But that doesn't mean I'm coming back to volleyball club, I'm only gonna teach him how to do receives, that's all!"

I stand up, bowing towards the girl-obsessed guy. "Thank you, Noya."

'I did it! I got him to come back! Only for one practice, but that's still something!'

-

After taking many mental (and physical) notes on today, it was finally my time to leave practice.

Seeing Noya's playstyle helped me tremendously to understand the position of a receiver on the volleyball team. And as it turned out, he was an important player. And after this "Asahi" guy left, it only made everyone feel more diminished.

He's supposed to be another one of the third-year players. Though I've never met him, I do know that he's a boy my age but looks like a man. Supposedly, during a game that Karasuno was losing caused trouble for the entire team. Sugawara was setting and Asahi was attacking, but all of his attacks were shot down by another team. The night they came back is when he'd decided to give up on volleyball. I couldn't even imagine how guilty Koshi must have felt after that. Knowing him, he probably took on the blame for everything.

I was glad I decided to help out the club by getting Noya to help Hinata with his received. It would benefit not only them, but Sugawara as well. "How can you be confused, its just 'wooh!' and then 'pow!'" He shouts as the ball ricochets off of his wrists.

"Yeah! I know exactly what he's saying, how do you not get it?!" Kageyama says to Hinata, who's mentally challenging himself today.

"That's only because you guys teach with words!"

The day was coming to an end, finally. Dealing with a bunch of boys making noise and Eclair non-stop talking to everybody made me feel sick. But before I left to change back into my clothes, Nishinoya made a move to stop me.

"Wait, Y/n! You can't just leave without giving me your number! And where's my hug?! How about I take you out sometime as thanks for giving me such a sweet talk under the pretty little tree?" He whines, grabbing both my hands. 'Where's my hug? Mother fucker, you're younger than I am.'

Koshi spends no time running up behind me and pulling me from his grasp, telling the boy, "Noya, you need to stop harassing all the girls that step into this gym."

"Oh, come on, Suga! She's a total cutie and you know it!" He points at him. "Wait a minute...is that why you're so protective of the new manager?! You've got your eyes on Y/n!"

We both gasp, letting go of each other in an instant. "No!" Koshi and I yell while awkwardly smiling.

-

As time passes, each member dresses out and begins to walk home. When I do as well, Koshi. waits for me outside.

I would finally be able to talk with him about today!

"So, you have Noya a sweet talk under the cherry blossom tree?" Sugawara teases me, playfully bumping my shoulder while we began our walk into the roads.

I hit him back. "Stop that! That was just a coincidence. And I only got him back by saying Daichi thought of him as some knight and that he was needed on the team. That's all!"

"Oh yeah? Well, you did a good job. He said he'll stick around for a little bit to teach Hinata. Gotta say they get along great." His sweet chuckle fills the warmth around us.

Something was poking at me to ask him about the girl I'd met earlier. 'If she still has feelings for him, then should I not say anything?' "Hey, Kou?"

He hums, wrapping an arm around me. "What?"

"...what do you think of Eclair? Are you happy she's back to visit you guys?"

"Oh, I guess so. I tried not paying too much attention to her." He states, looking at the sidewalk ahead of us. Something told me he didn't want to talk about her feelings for him or if they were still there. However, I was determined to get to the bottom of the situation before having to be in the same room as the girl who likes the boy I love.

"Uhm...could you tell me about her? Like, what kind of relationship did she have with everybody? Did you guys get along? Stuff like that. I wanna get to know her without having to talk to her a whole lot," I tell him, snuggling into his shoulder.

When he walks dead silent for a few seconds, I realize that something is wrong. "Y/n..." he begins to sound a bit worried and disappointed. "I'd rather you not be around her too much."

As if I had no idea, I raise my brows innocently. "Why?"

"She just...stirs things up. I-I'd rather not have her come in between us. Thing is, she used to have this thing for me a few months before she left for France. At first, I thought she was just being polite by doing usual things that people would do when they are in love. But then after some time, I realized she had a major crush on me. And when I told her that I wasn't ready for a relationship, she totally flipped out. She made a big scene and told everybody that I was a stupid guy who only talked to girls for my pleasure." Towards the end of his explanation, he becomes more and more ashamed of what he says.

'So that means he had to have done things with other girls.' The thought that Koshi has most likely already had sex made my face heat up in both anger and sadness. Not that I had any motive to rush into that with him, but I felt more anxious he would expect more from me if the time ever came. "And...did you only talk to girls for pleasure?" My heart raced with every silent second that ran past us. Sugawara didn't want to answer my question.

"Koshi, if you've already had sex then I don't mind. I'm just asking if you used other girls for pleasure...because if so—"

"No!" He shouts gently, turning me towards him. Once again, we stood under the street light that we always seemed to stop at on walks home. "Y/n, I know I was pretty messed up but I wouldn't ever take girls for advantage and never have! And my old habits—they aren't something I should be proud of, so I don't talk about it."

"Koshi, we don't have to if you don't want to," I tell him.

"But I have to eventually, right? Why get you all caught up in a relationship you don't even fully know about."

I look into his eyes, longing for him to lay his sorrow down onto me and forget about it all. I knew that he'd never have it in his heart to do anything evil. But whatever he didn't want to tell me was eating him up. After a few moments of even more silence, I bring him back from his thoughts. "Kou?"

The boy takes one of my hands within his and brings it up to his lips, kissing it lightly. When he takes his lips back, he begins his explanation. "I've never really been able to cope properly with my mom's death, Y/n. That's why when I talk about it, I can't seem to keep myself together. And I know it's been a long time, but I'm still ashamed for giving my first time away so easily because I was overwhelmed with anger that I didn't care any longer. Things that someone should save for someone special were spent on girls who were only in it for pleasure. I was the same, but I now know that I would have saved even holding hands with a girl if it meant it was with you, Y/n. See— doing anything with you feels like the first time but better. And that's because I love you. So yeah, I slept with a couple of girls, but it never meant anything to me. It only helped me distract myself from realizing that I required feeling important and loved again. That as much as I wanted to, I couldn't be an adult at the age of seventeen. Please, tell me that you understand what I'm saying? That when I'm with you, you make me feel whole again. Like I'm loved and needed, and I can take my time with you."

When he says things like that to me, I can't help but sink into his arms and breathy close to him. I wanted nothing more than to help him cure whatever negative feelings intoxicated him. If I was what helped him, then so be it.

"Then tell me, Koshi," I whisper to him, looking deep into his eyes. The world stopped around us if only for a second to let me ask this question, even if I already knew the answer. "...who is your first love?"

Every nerve in my body jumped when he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into a strong hug. If he had already done everything romantic with other women, then wouldn't that meant he was already in love with somebody previously?

No, wrong.

"You. Y/n, you are my first."

-

I loved writing the ending of this chapter sm eee

Vote mofo <3 ily

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

16 - Is This A Good Idea

This chapters songs:

These Days - The Wallows

Stay away (it's like that) - TV Girl

Verbatim - Mother Mother

- Y. L. Perspective

It was Monday once again, and I was sitting down at the freakishly clean lunch table, where I nervously waited for my friends' long-awaited responses. "So? Do you guys wanna...say something?"

Everybody sat with their eyes wide, surprised at my explanation of how the other night came to be.

"You're telling me...that...you and Sugawara..were a thing this whole time?!" Giki slams her palms onto the table, catching the attention of a few people around us. "AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL US...?!"

Toruku puts his finger over her mouth, still keeping his eyes on me. I wasn't very confident that my friends would understand that Koushi and I had loved each other for quite a while. But I had to tell them sooner or later. And before anything is official between us, I'd like to tell them. They're my family, after all.

"Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?" Hikishi curls his brows, fishing out some rice on his chopsticks, and shoving it into his mouth. "Damn, I knew something was going on between you guys!"

Giki slaps Toruku's finger away, rolling her eyes. She twirls her short black hair in her fingers, still curious about my relationship with a boy they had only met a few times. "I thought that you said you were just friends? Not that I'm against it.. but.. how come you didn't tell us?"

Toruku chimes in, "Is this why you talk about him so much? Or why you've been so distant recently?" His words make me think back to the many times I had listened to their conversations more than discuss with them anything that happened with me.

"I guess I was just scared you guys would think I'm getting myself into trouble or something. I mean, none of you have got your eye on anyone, right?" I look at the three as they all shake their heads. "Look, we're not a couple or anything. We're just... overthinking things."

I loudly, laying my head down on the table. Truth was, I'd been wondering whether or not being in a relationship with Koushi was a smart idea. All I needed was a chance to go through my options and stop to think. Thankfully, Hikishi taps my head, pulling my attention towards him, Giki, and Toruku.

"Hey, we're still your friends, you know. It doesn't matter who you like, we're always here to talk and give you advice. Besides, we all like Sugawara! He's nice and treats you good," Hikishi says, turning to his friends for reassurance. "Right guys?"

They nod, leaning close towards each other to make a small oddly shaped circle. "Yeah, of course. Now, spill, Y/n! What has been happening ever since the party?"

"Uh, yes. On a walk home, we had both agreed to wait a little bit to figure out our feelings, but it was more so that I could realize mine. It wasn't so bad, though. I had time for myself and to spend some time with the volleyball team. They're loud and crazy, but they're fun. I can't believe they're all so respectful considering they're teenage boys. Anyway, we kept talking casually as two people who liked each other would!" I take a sip of my juice box, taking a deep breath from explaining so much. Still, my friends were all ears, leaning back to hear the frightening love story of Koushi and me. "After Oikawa had seen me at the party, he tried texting me a few days later, saying he wanted to talk. I brushed it off casually as any other person who's been in drama with him would and told him I was busy. But on the day of the practice game, I saw him there! He and Oikawa. Supposedly, they're the two best players on the Aoba Johsai Volleyball team."

"Oh..does that mean you have beef with them not only because of that party and because of volleyball?" Giki asks. By "you guys", she meant Toruku and me.

I nod, slapping my forehead. "Yup. And that's not even the worst part! We have to play in a spring tournament with them, which means seeing them more than what I'm comfortable with. On the day of the game, I bumped into Hajime in the hall. He didn't cause any trouble! He was nice and apologized and everything, surprisingly. I explained how I was there as a manager, not some creepy stalker, and even got to talk a bit about how life's been treating us. As for Oikawa, he didn't say much. He saw that I was at their game as a manager, but never confronted me about it. I'm sure Hajime had enlightened him on how I was a part of the volleyball team. Still, he could have told me something if he claims he wanted to talk so badly! Koushi noticed how I was acting strange when he entered the room and confronted me about it when we got to my house."

Toruku raises a brow, asking, "your house? So he spends the night now?"

"N-no! Well, he's never actually stayed an entire night. He usually just comes over towards night and leaves around two or three in the morning. I think his dad might be strict about him staying out late, so that's probably why he has to sneak back home. Anyway, after I had told him what happened, he understood, and eventually, we began talking about ourselves. God, it felt so good to tell him how I felt. And I know now that I didn't just like Koushi, I was in love with him. He just makes me feel safe and knows me so well. If we weren't separated by an entire school year, I'm sure I would have realized it sooner, but I do love him. A lot, actually. And if I'm being brutally honest, I don't care we only have a year to be together." For a second, I forgot that my friends had opinions of their own and began to blabber on about how much I liked Suga. They all looked as if they were just given a box or issues to solve. "So...do you guys think I should?”

None of them mutter a word and instead trade worried expressions, then look back at me. "Look,

Y/n. I don't think any of us have ever experienced this entire 'love' thing except for you and Toruku, so I don't think that our opinions would help very much. But..we can all agree that you've cheered up ever since you started hanging out with Sugawara. Hell, even your chords have been getting better. We've never seen you so happy before. So if you really love him, then we respect your decision to be with him." Hikishi smiles brightly at me, as Toruku and Giki nod along with his words.

I sigh, very relieved that I had such wonderful friends. They were here for me before I even got to find myself and my talents. How could I doubt that they wouldn't be supportive? It's them, after all. "That amazing, thank you, guys." I smile back, looking down at the poke bowl I'd brought in my bento today. "Now that that's over, we should probably make plans for our schedule. It's been quite some time since we've talked about it."

"Ah, yes!" Giki exclaims, shoving her hands into her school bag and fishing out a large piece of paper. "So, I just got this flyer for a band competition coming up. It's in about a month, so that gives us some time to come up with some ideas for songs and practice."

Each of us passes around the flyer, observing its letters. Although it was written in lazy lettering and small pictures, we knew it wasn't something to brush off. Booking gigs and getting our name out to the public was what we needed. Ever since we had published a small album of some scraps from a few songs we'd written, we've only gotten people from our families, school, and some friends we knew in the industry. And before we would sign with my aunt, she wanted for us to gain a few more supporters and fans to help us get the word out further.

Giki nods, happily drumming her fingers on the table. "Yup! I already signed us up. Since the festival has gotten much more popular, I'm sure there will be a lot of people there!"

"Great, that gives us something to look forward to. Now, for what to choose as the song..." I lean onto my elbow, stared down by my band members. They all raise their brows at me. "...what?"

"Word on the street is that Summer's Amp Fest is looking for more than just what people can cover. They're looking for authenticity. We think it would be best to come up with something of our own, " Toruku explains. Still, I'm confused as to why they look to me for help.

"So..?"

"So... do you wanna come up with some lyrics?" In surprise of Giki's question, I began choking on my salmon. 'Write a song? I hope they only mean words and not notes as well. I've never been asked such a thing from my band.' I think to myself, choking in distress while Hikishi handed me a cup of water.

I down the entire thing, steering the coughing to a halt. And not long after do I ask, "you mean, like, write an entire song?! Look, I'm flattered and all, but I'm not very good!"

"Come on! You're the one who knows their way with words, Y/n! You've written a few others in the past, why not do it now?" Toruku pleads.

"Because it's so stressful! And only in a month? Can we even be prepared by then?!" I yell out. "Besides, what would I even write about? It's not like my life is any more interesting or sad than you guys!"

"Tch, you're in love for Christ's sake! That's what most artists write about! Take a look at TV girl— all they sing are songs about being addicted to cigarettes, sex, and heartbreak. You can do it, Y/n!" Hikishi claps his hands together. "As long as it's impactful and sounds good, then I think we'll be fine."

"Yeah! If you'd like, you can even talk to Suga about it! Maybe he can help too," Giki suggests.

I frown, scared that when the time comes, I'll disappoint my friends. All I've ever written are a few words and such. Almost all our songs are instrumentals with one or two verses. "I don't know, you guys. What if I make something super cringe and bad?"

"Y/n, you've got everything you need to write a full song. All we're asking for is authenticity and emotion. Not much! Look, me and Hikishi will take care of the chords and notes. Giki can get everything prepared for us, and you can write the lyrics! A good song will get us in the spotlight," Toruku explains.

Although I had doubts about my talents, I had hope that I could grow a pair and put in some effort into a song.

"Okay then. It can't be too hard, right?"

-

"Koushi, this is so hard! There's nothing I have in mind!" I whine to him as we walk to the clubrooms. School had just ended and volleyball practice was next on our agenda. Today, the so-called so "guardian" was to come back from some kind of secondary school he attended.

The boy pats my back as I throw my head back. "Don't stress it, Y/n. They said it was around a month away, right? That gives you a lot of time to come up with something. And if you'd like, I can even help you. Though, I'm not sure I'm very good with words," he chuckles, running his hand through his hair.

"Really now? Your little letter says otherwise," I say, turning Koushi's cheeks crimson. As much as I wanted to go further into the playful argument, locker rooms were just up ahead. We departed before continuing.

Before I enter the girls club room, the sound of two girls talking came from inside. 'Whatever. Other sports teams have things to do too, right?' I straightened my skirt, hoping that my being there wouldn't be an issue.

I carefully open the door, peeking my head inside of it. I could only recognize Kiyoko changing into her sweat pants, but not the other girl. Once reassuring that it wasn't a crowd of people, I fully entered, closing the door behind me. "Uh—hello," I utter, awkwardly smiling while walking towards my locker.

The stranger turns quickly, revealing her figure. 'Who is this chick?!' I ask myself. She had straight dirty blonde hair, smooth milky skin the covered her body, and deep green eyes. I was surprised such a beautiful and classy girl was here in a gym locker room.

She looks me up and down, attempting to return the smile. "Oh—hi! You must be the new manager. My name is Eclair, it's nice to meet you!"

-

Vote pls and ty ok bye ily

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

15 - In Love, For Real

This chapters songs:

Frame Of Reference: Drug Store Romeos

Baby Blue; Stevie Dinner

Magic Wand; URL

- Y. L. Perspective

"Koushi, I don't even really care about it anymore. He's not gonna be trouble, " I quietly him, waiting for him to mumble something. Instead, he kept looking down at the floor below him in silence. After giving him a summary of our history I could only assume Sugawara felt bad for assuming that Oikawa was an issue.

"I was just scared; with the way you looked at him and hid when you saw him, I assumed you felt unsafe or that something had happened between you and him. But I'm sorry. I know approaching the situation with 'I'll beat his ass' isn't exactly the best solution to finding out what happened," He giggled. Koushi was extremely angry with the idea that I was in the same room with somebody who might have done something to or with me. Oikawa only wishes.

His shoulders become soft when I pat them with my left hand. We had just gotten to my house after coming back from the gym, exhausted from the practice game, even if we hadn't played. Koushi leaned back onto his car, putting his hands into his pockets and sighing. "Spring is around the corner,

Y/n," he says in a gentle tone. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to take you out a lot during that time. Even if we're just friends."

'Just friends? Is that what he thinks we are?' I furrow my brows in frustration. After much panic and distress from this entire situation with Koushi, I wasn't expecting him to turn all "friendly" with me. "..friends?"

"Uhm..since you haven't made up your mind yet, I wasn't sure if you were gonna tell me something or not. I'm just saying: if things don't work out, I still want to keep you as a close friend. You mean a lot to me," he explains, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

I stop leaning on his car and stand in front of him. I wasn't sure why I did it, or what I was thinking, but I knew that I had something to say. I just stood in front of him and looked down at my tennis shoes. "I already know what I want, Suga. I just don't know how to tell you how I feel. I've never felt so at home with somebody. Not the way I do with you. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I do when I'm with you, which is the most embarrassing thing ever. And I..." my words trail off when his hand meets my jaw and lifts it for my eyes to meet his. "I think I'm in love with you, too, Koushi."

His lips part slightly when I whisper to him, churning a pit of butterflies in my gut. I'd never genuinely felt so weak under his grasp. I'm an independent and strong girl who never lets anybody take control of me— not until I'm under the grasp of Koushi Sugawara. He runs his hand up my waist and onto my back, pushing me further into him. To my surprise, he doesn't kiss me like all the other times. Instead, he wraps his strong arms around my back and holds me tightly against him, tucking his face into my neck.

"Y/n...I'd been dying for you to tell me that," he says as I ease into him, breathing in his scent. He smelt sweet, fresh, and masculine all at once. Every time I inhaled I melted in his hands simply because of how good he smelled.

I closed my eyes and embraced my love for Koushi through the hug, feeling his heartbeat call to mine through our chests. What I felt for him was something completely different than anything I've ever experienced. Knowing that all this time I was so in love with the guy and I hadn't noticed made me feel like an idiot.

But of course love him. I smile just thinking about holding his hand and seeing his lovely face. When his warmth fills my body, I feel at ease. If I catch myself fantasizing about his lips on my skin, my muscles stiffen and I scream inside. And when he kisses me, every hormone—every nerve— every vein— everything goes wild. I wouldn't even be able to imagine the impure things I want with him without short-circuiting. In every bitter situation, I stumble upon, there he is to catch me, to tell me that I'll be okay. How could I not get myself into this mess?

I didn't care about the consequences. I wanted to fall into deep, beautiful, painful love with Koushi Sugawara.

"Y/n." My eyes shutter open at his call for me before I pull away slightly to look at him. "Is it okay if I stay over for a little bit? I wanna spend some alone time with you before leaving."

I nod my head, smiling. "Of course, come on, let's head inside."

-

Sugawara swept off his jacket and folded it in half, placing it onto my nightstand. "Hey, do you still have the hood I gave you the day of the party?" He asks me while I'm rummaging through my drawers to find something comfortable to sleep in.

"Ah, I do! I completely forgot about it until you mentioned it; sorry I kept it for so long," I say, pulling out his black jacket from the bottom drawer where I kept things people had lend to me. I hand it to him, bowing slightly."Thank you for letting me use it."

He puts his hands in front of me, backing up a step. "No, no. That's alright. I was just wondering if you had kept it. But you can, if you'd like."

"Oh, I don't know. I think I'd feel too bad!" I whine, setting it down on my desk. The sweater sure was comfortable and soft, smelled like him too. But it was his, not mine.

He chuckles, saying, "that's okay, Y/n. They're free from the team anyway. And besides, it's nice knowing you have it with you." After that, he turns to peek his head around a few of the corners in my room, his eyes searching for something.

I set down the jacket and take out a pair of soft sleep shorts and a large blue t-shirt. "What are you looking for, " I ask him, pulling off my black sweater.

"Your cat, I just found her, " he says, reaching under my bed for Astra. At first, meowed in protest of being picked up, but soon settles into Suga's lap when he begins petting her. "Are you gonna change clothes? Don't worry, I won't look." He laughs and turns to the wall and continues stroking Astra's back.  "When did you get her?"

"The cat? Around two years ago. She's tiny, isn't she?" I trade my pants for the shorts. After changing into my sleepwear, I climb onto the bed and lean over the ledge of it, looking down at Koushi and my cat. She purred and burrowed into his hips, turning and twisting. "I think she has a little crush on you, Suga."

He laughs at my joke, places Astra back into her comfy spot under the bed, and stands up. The two of us look at each other for a second, waiting for one of us to do something. Koushi takes initiative, sitting down next to me on my bed and laying back. "So.."

"Hm?" I fall back next to him, reaching for his soft hair. My fingers twirl around his silver locks, pleased by how gentle and thin they were. Then, I switch from my back onto my stomach, leaning onto my elbows for support, and observed Koushi's resting body. He looked so peaceful when looking at me. It was almost as if staring into his eyes could make time freeze.

He turned onto his side, staring right back at me. "C'mere," he whispers, pulling me towards his chest. It was so sudden that I couldn't have even said no—not that I wanted to. Koushi pulled a few pillows under our heads and blankets over our bodies, making us warm and comfortable. "Are you tired?"

"Yes, it seems late nights are our thing now," I recall the many times I'd stayed up so late just to hang out with Koushi and the long days that came before them. Nonetheless, it was all worth it in the end."Did you wanna talk?"

He sighs, stroking my head. "Only if you wanted to. For now, I like this."

I stay quiet, wondering what we were now.

'Two people who love each other, but are too scared to say something. That seems sad, right? Or maybe it would be best if we both wait for just a little to become a couple. What does being a couple mean exactly? Would I have to hold his hand when I see him or kiss him every time we meet in the halls? Sugawara is a man with desires and needs. Eventually, he's gonna try and go further than I've ever gone before and I'll turn my thoughts into physicality.'

It didn't seem all that bad. Sharing my love and trust with Koushi makes me feel like I'm safe. The only risk I'll be taking is feeling disturbing, dreadful pain when I leave for America. But did it matter if I loved him so much?

"Koushi," I mutter under my breath. He hums in response, waiting for me to continue my sentence. "What if things don't go the way we want to? I'm scared that by the end of our third year, we'll be separated from each other."

He tightens his arms around my back, putting our chests together. What I asked must have bothered him in some way. "We'll be okay, Y/n. It's all worth it if we get to be with each other for a little bit, right? I know you have some big plans for your future. I don't want you to give that up. So I promise we would be able to figure out something before you leave, okay?" He pulls my face away from him for a second to kiss my nose.

I close my eyes humming in comfort of his words. He was right; As long as I'm able to make the best out of my last year in high school, then I'll be as happy as ever.

"Yeah, okay. And if it's okay with you, can you stay the night? I just like being next to you," I say, growing shy. A cup his cheeks in my palms, not taking notice of how I stared at his lips. It wasn't a secret that I wanted him to kiss me.

As expected, he nods, putting his forehead against mine. His hazel eyes are far too close for me to gaze at, so I look at his features further. His man nose, his perfect skin, his special little beauty mark. My thumb glides against it as my knee meets with his, making us intertwine legs. 'I'm as close to Koushi than I've ever been at this point—I can feel his pulse,' I think, gulping loudly when he brushes his nose against mine.

Finally, he closes the gap between our lips, softly kissing my lips. I close my eyes soon after and pull him further towards me with my arms around his neck. I was dumbfounded at how much of an idiot I was for not realizing that this entire time the feeling Koushi would give me was more than just investment in a good friendship, but in a relationship as well. The more time I spent with him the more I got to realize those feelings. And when he had confessed so romantically, that's when everything had hit me. I was in love with Koushi since the moment he tapped my shoulder in math class to tell me his name and age. If only I could have been with him sooner, then we'd have more time to cherish with one another.

I pull away from him for if only a second, blushing ferociously at our intimate moment. "Y/n, I love you." He whispers to me, kissing my lips one last time before pulling my head into his shoulder. And with that, the two of us dose off in each other's hold, thrilled by the idea that we were in love.

-

my vote :) ty for reading and have a nice night/day. I love you always <3

- estrxlar

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

14 - Can’t Be Unsaid

TW: huge subject of suicide throughout this chapter. Simply a flashback of what had happened between Oikawa and Y/n.

This chapters songs:

Jealous; Eyedress

About A Girl; Nirvana

Teen Mom; Slutever

- Y. L. Perspective

Toruku briefly smiled at me while Oikawa blabbered on about how he'd been doing throughout his first two years of high school. I didn't wanna be there, listening as he began to talk about middle school.

He was the one who came up with the idea to hang out with Oikawa and Iwazumi. What we weren't told was that this "small get-together" was a second-year summer party.

"Yeah, these two used to be pretty good friends with Hajime and me!" The brunette tells his friends that surrounded him on the couch. He had made it clear to Toruku and me that his popularity was through the roof. "That was until we moved high schools and all. Quite a shame we didn't get to spend more years t-together."

He suddenly puts his arm around my shoulders. Toruku stiffens at his action and pays close attention to Oikawa's drunken behaviors. "This girl and I were the closest! Isn't that right, Y/n?" He rests his head on my shoulder and looks up at me with his large brown eyes.

Not knowing what to do or say, I nod slightly, feeling uncomfortable that I was put on the spot so suddenly. But that wasn't at all true. I loved Toruku, Oikawa, Iwazumi, and Moku all equally. They were my best friends throughout junior high. And up until Moku had committed suicide, we were inseparable.

If anything, Moku was my favorite. The most beautiful and intelligent girl I could have ever met. We had friended each other long ago when I had just moved to Miyagi. She lived just down the street from where I was with her grandma. If only I could have known about her situation any sooner then I could have done something other than get in a fight with her the night she passed away.

As teenagers, crushes sprout easily. So when Moku and Toruku had met each other, they were in no time a couple. It left me with mixed feelings about staying friends with her and keeping such a big secret: that I had developed feelings for him too. That was around the time we had joined the volleyball clubs to get closer to Toru and Iwazumi, two very rough boys who we enjoyed spending time with.

When Oikawa had confessed his feelings to me around the end of our third year of middle school, he insisted I give him a reason why I wouldn't be with him. He made it clear to me that he would treat me kindly and with respect, and I did not doubt that he would. But I was still stuck up on the idea of Toruku. And with that, Oikawa was the first to know anything about it.

Eventually, things progressed between our friend group and secrets got out, including the one about Toruku. At the moment, I didn't even care much about Oikawa. Only the idea that my best friend knew I liked her boyfriend. And when we tried to talk about it, she grew the angriest at me she's ever been. She was upset because of many reasons. And after that, I had never spoken to her again. I was only 15 when that had happened. I wouldn't have guessed Oikawa would have brought it up a year later.

"Y/n and I used to be a little thing back in middle school. But then our friend died and she started getting all sappy," he began to stretch out his words and place his clammy hands on my knees. Both Toru's ego and alcohol didn't mix well.

I glance at Toruku who has his hands curled up into each other. He shakes his leg in aggression, speaking out, "oh, whatever Oikawa. Stop being an asshole. You're acting as if her death didn't affect everyone."

Oikawa raises his brows. "Is that so? Well then, I wonder why Y/n still chases after her boyfriend when she has options.." I shut my eyes in distress, growing angry at the conversation.

"Shut the hell up, Toru," Hajime slaps his arm. "Why are you being such a little shit?"

"Is that what I'm doing? My apologies, Y/n," He says to me, brushing his hand against my cheek. A few of the girls that surrounded him rolled their eyes, annoyed I was getting attention from him. But I would have wanted anything other than to be treated like somebody who wasn't one of his closest friends. "I had no idea you were capable of feeling anything!"

Toruku grabs my arm hastily, pulling me up from the couch. "Come on, we're leaving."

"Are you going to run away from your problems again?" Toru groans and throws his head back in a playful manner, lightly smirking at me. He had a way of knowing how to get to me, he always had. I'd never thought he'd use it to his advantage like this.

As much as I wanted to pound him at the moment, I could only look down at my shoes and feel my eyes tear up. Hearing such harsh words from a close friend hurt like a bitch. Before I could do it myself, Toruku pulls the boy by his hair and hits him on his left cheek, causing many of the people around him to shout in shock.

He pulls both his hands away and dusts them off on his pants, then looks at me. "Now, for real, let's go."

The both of us hastily walk out of his house to get to his car. All that fills me is anger that I even thought he would spare a moment to discuss something important other than the past. As much as I wanted to believe it was the alcohol talking, I knew Oikawa was bound to have an outburst. I just didn't know when, where, or how he would do it until tonight.

-

Yes, I'm very very very aware this is most likely the shortest chapter I have written to far in this ff. But tysm for reading, ilysm. NOW VOTE BITCH!

- estrxlar