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when the autism is being an actual mental health problem instead of making me obsess over fictional characters again:

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me when I find something that I wrote when I was having a mental breakdown

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just had the most heartwrenching conversation with my mom am i cooked

#cw vent #vent blog #vent #vent post #tw vent #mom vent #mom issues #i hate my mom #mommy issues

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what it feels like when your trauma clicks together

#cw vent #vent blog #vent post #tw vent #vent #vent meme #actually traumatized #trauma #mental health #mental illness #actually mentally ill

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a dude who hangs around my friends was on character ai and ,, i looked down at what he was typing and it was like ,, 'im gonna touch you while you're sleeping' ,, and like ... dude .... what actually wrong with you. and i was playing it off as a joke like HWAATATATATTWHAHW WHY WOUKD YOU SAY THAAAATTTT but kinda. seriously but i just was . on edge tbe whole day because that is my EXACT fucking sa trauma.

other sa survivors, does anyone else hate the trend of people saying like 'im gonna touch you' as a .. joke ??

#personal vent #vent #csa vent #cocsa vent #csa victim #cocsa victim

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other sa survivors, does anyone else hate the trend of people saying like 'im gonna touch you' as a .. joke ??

#sa trauma #tw sa implied #sa vent #tw sa mention #cw sa #sa recovery #sa victim #tw sa #sa survivor #csa victim #cw csa #tw csa #cw cocsa #cocsa victim #cocsa survivor

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“But he was just a child”

So was I

And I’m suffering and he’s not

#her family thinks we're still friends. #her family still asks about me. #they dont know what she did.

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anyone else hard on themself and can't seem to stray from the idea that they're worthless and have nothing else to give, or is it just me and the guy from sports.

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victim of severe childhood abuse: the trauma made me depressed and hypervigilant

mental health allies: you are so valid and I feel so sorry for you

victim of severe childhood abuse: the trauma made me lose the ability to feel empathy

mental health allies: YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND EVIL I HOPE YOU DIE!!!!!

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spring break is so funnn❤️❤️(rotting in my bed, not being able to do anything because of my mental health)

#cw vent #vent blog #vent post #tw vent #vent #actually traumatized #depressing shit

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Holy shit. Okay. Hi. I’m also a csa survivor. I’m legit so desperate for anything sort of recognition on this issue I’ve been having for almost 2 years now. https://www.tumblr.com/flowersbark/740288973409288192/fellas-is-it-a-proship-to-project-cocsacsa-on

It relates to this post, except I am going to get EXTRA personal on this.

Tw for r//pe, gr///ming, Self-h//rm, and csa (obvsly)

Okay so I also really really reallyyy don’t like proshippers, I am hypersexual, and I have zero access to any sort of help atp in my life. Now that I have those things out of the way right now, I am essentially in a dilemma a lot like that post. One major problem, it’s not me JUST wanting to project, it’s me wanting to BE in that spot of the victim again for some reason. And I mean like srsly getting assaulted again and all that horrible stuff. Like, i THINK these ideas, thoughts, and urges I have are called “intrusive thoughts”?? But I’m not sure. I’m disturbed by them regardless.

This has been so frustrating to deal with bc first of all, I’m not a victim to gr//ming, second, yes, I am a victim of csa at a young age, and third, I find myself having some sort of YEARNING to be hurt in such a way. (Not cocsacsa, just to not let things get mixed up btw) I have looked around on the internet for so long about this issue and I find NOTHING on it, like, am I just going crazy? Am I trying to cope with it in the worst way possible? Like, I genuinely don’t know, and it drives me mad because on one hand, I have this massive theory that it’s a mental attempt of “self- h//rm”, and then on the other hand, it’s a bizarre extreme version of yearning for touch and affection, but I’m just so unsure because I can’t find any other personal accounts of anyone else!

I acknowledge that your post wasn’t about this oddly specifc scenario, and I’m so sorry that this is so out of pocket, and possibly even counterproductive (idk) but as another csa victim, would you be able to offer some sort of insight? Is that something I can even ask for on here? It’s okay if you can’t, or don’t want to, I fully understand if I just never see a response to this. I really hope things get better for you and that you’re a having at the very least, a decent day regardless. Thank you.

Also p.s., sorry for not being able to answer that question, I myself am also uncertain on a definite answer for that. Like, the most I can say is that I think it’s okay to explore unhealthy dynamics, so long as they’re both acknowledged as bad/unhealthy/traumatizing things, and not put out to the public since people can take/look at things and get weird and nasty🤢 (so generally just used in a private and secure setting)

HI !!! uhh

first off, yes you can ask for advice, insight, anything. thats why i made this blog, other than to just vent to strangers. second, thank you for giving me your opinion on the csa proship situation.

i do think what you're going through are intrusive thoughts, and i get those a lot too. especially about going through what i did again, or worse. i also fucking HATE those thoughts, especially because my mind makes it by people i know irl, especially classmate im close to. it makes me feel disgusting and like im sexualizing and making my classmates horrible people when they ARENT. intrusive thoughts arent a reflection of who you are, theyre a reflection of who you DONT want to be, thats why theyre so disturbing.

again, the almost yearning for it is intrusive. it's also a trauma response. like how people who are used to being mentally abused will seek out and be with people that will treat them like that, its kinda like that. its not a good way to cope, but its not the WORST. as the absolute worst would be repeating the cycle.

im sorry if this doesn't help, its kinda just my word vomit with no revisions,, but i hope it does. it gets better, i promise. keep going.

#cw cocsa #cocsa vent #cocsa victim #cocsa survivor #tw cocsa #csa vent #csa victim #cw csa #tw csa #cocsa advice #csa advice #cw vent #vent blog #vent post #tw vent #vent #sa survivor #sa vent #sa victim #sa trauma