underneath
My home is somewhat underneath
The surface of the earth it seems
Unreachable to the human eye
Still trying to reach the surface dry
The lava swarms beneath the waves
Water to air, the stars just wait
Awake above, so hard to reach
And close to the ground, I beseech
It to stay for a few seconds more
These cracks and bends at the earths core
My home, a place so far from the rest
A product designed to be put to the test
The weight of the universe shifts back and forth
Like a seesaw in water so desperate to float
The hopes and prayers of the lost and abandoned
No one has yet to reach out their hand and
Give them space to break the surface
Let them breathe, give them purpose
A place where they don’t have to hide
A new beginning, a makeshift life
My home is somewhat underneath
The surface of the earth, I see
Translucent and tranquil from the start
Finally at peace near the earths heart
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masks
Come back, my mask, my good old friend
I shall use you again and again
Until your tattered cardboard falls
And my broken face is seen by all
For display, it’s quite a sight to see
Till my dying breath I build to be
A factory of many graces
An addiction to holding up faces
Throw me up against a wall
The knife just barely cuts at all
The blood on its tip
Pools just a little bit
Drip, drip, fall
Scars after scars find a place to leave their mark
The harder it is to stay hidden in the dark
The more they cut the skin I’m so desperate to hide
The more I’m forced to wear them time after time
Vile and like sorcery, a black market deal
Like illegal drugs someone is so desperate to steal
Except nobody notices the true terror of them all
The masks in my basement, the ones I always have on
I have them all, like a department store for smiles and raised eyebrows and so many more
Laughs and grins and smirks, thousands of each
The ones my real face simply can’t reach
I hate this life, and the masks that I own
The perfect picture, emotion, tone
But no matter what I do, how many plans I devise
They latch on to me like a pleading, desperate child
Their essence is so natural now
It flows inside my blood, all throughout
If I tried to stop, I’d lose myself
Without them- mute, blind, and deaf
For they own my voice, and my sight
They own my beliefs and they own my rights
They own my thoughts, and my actions
They own my indulgence, and my reactions
They own my soul and body too
For I give them everything I have to use
And now I’m nothing but an empty shell
Controlled by the masks I wear
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waterfall
No sooner had the empire fallen than the lights went out
The city was lost in ash- a cold, barren, desolate scene
Old lanterns hung teetering over the edge, waving above the shattered remains
Of houses dismantled to the point where only shards of wood could be recognized
Remnants of the torrent remained- taunting, jeering
And even before being discovered, it roars louder than ever imagined
For above it all lies the falling river
It cascades below, into a lagoon of frothy clear liquid
An elixir of the gods
The cold, unforgiving angel and the loving, merciful demon coalesce
It grips the rock, defying every law humanity has forced upon it
It cannot be tamed, this ever-knowing creation of the earth
Sprouts grow hesitantly on the river bank, waiting to be washed away
But it protects them, this entity, it gifts them a home
Once, it too gifted us a home
But with carelessness and thanklessness, we disrupted it
We took for granted its tranquil nature
And so it began, the constant battle between humanity and its precursor
But victory was not destined to be ours, nor was it ever destined to fall into our hands
We were- simply put- doomed from the very start
We can wish for things to become right again, yet we ourselves don't know what right is
The truth is different, harsher, so appalling it is concealed and ignored forever
And rising and falling, like the heartbeat of the earth
The descending stream puffs mist into the air
But we have never paid heed to its warning, and never will
So we stand, watching it plead and roar
For with every day comes a new tide
With every hour comes a new wave
With every minute comes a new ripple
But with every second, comes nature's callous falling
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save our heart, my good man
Solemn and steady and in sync
A beating heart we all share
Vast enough to fill and fit in
Every single shell
Overturned and overlooked,
Unanimous and clear
Rest in peace and as you lay
Hear the raven sing away
Each one of us will say a prayer
And leave flowers by the grave
Rest in peace, we all repeat
Though we know we might be next
Morning brings us under sullen clouds
Your sacrifice haunts us all
Good man, that heart we all share
One that we have built together
Over hours and hours of labor
Does it all just fade away now?
Make haste in your journey, they tell
And as we reach the sand-filled shores
Night descends and reminds us of you
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inspiration
Writing poetry is weird
One moment I know a thousand lines
And then the next
They’ve disappeared
Where did they go?
Do they fall into an abyss?
Are they eaten by a demon in my mind, so hungry for words?
I could write forty verses in an hour
And none in three years
And then repeat, and repeat, and repeat
silence
noise
silence
Noise
silence
NOISE
The noise is alright
but when it’s gone, so am I
The silence is too loud these days
So I fill it up with everything
This never ending curse just stays
As I lay awake after dark
This inspiration I have
Consumes my waking thoughts
It’s rather tiring to be like this
Everything must be written down
10 turns into 3 am
I’ve lost for time nowadays
What does trigger this sense of adrenaline?
Do tell me please, I beg
I’m tired of this on and off
I need a steady fix
It’s not like I’m helping the world
Or curing an lifelong disease
I’m writing shit in my closet
Because it makes me at ease
So give me a sense of purpose
Something I can do to change
The world from what it is today
To something people embrace
I’m tired of being useless
I’m tired of feeling lost
I’ve never known of a goldfish
that could survive in a cardboard box
The rain just stopped
It’s been pounding for hours
Pit
Pat
Pit
Pat
It started up again
And it’s gone now
Again
Damn it, it never stays
It’s crazy and irregular and cluttered and confusing
Just like me, and my mind, and this poem that’s been consuming
All my waking thoughts these days
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you
I wish I could tell you
Reach out from the depths of time
And teach you how
Naivety is peace
And ignorance is happiness
And forgetfulness will destroy the person you are
Now
Then
Everything is interconnected
By the fabric of time so cherished and despised by all living souls
It will guide you
It will keep you safe
It will pull you forward no matter how much you beg it to stay
You can hate it
You will hate it
But one day, you’ll learn how it saved you
And that day is now, as I write this
Remembering you
Hating you
Loving you
Knowing you
As a person so unlike my own
Yet so similar too
I’m sorry
And I’m not
Because safety is a construct for
a child so desperate to call the world home
It will trap you
Chain you down
And time is what will save you
I know
Because time is what saved me
And you might hate it
But you won’t one day
One day you’ll accept fate and grow
You won’t be hurt anymore
And that journey is long
I’m not done yet
You haven’t started
So similar, yet so different
And I wish I could explain
How it’s better to not know the things you’ve never had
So you’d never miss them when you grasp them, and they slip away
So you’d never cry over spilled
Water
So you’d hold the breath of the world in your heart
But it’s okay
Just keep going
Because the two of us?
We’re almost there
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bench
many people ask
if I feel tired sometimes
I say
"maybe"
but not as tired as that
old
tattered
wooden
bench
sitting upon the most beautiful of sands
but so
lonely and lost
and
free
and
broken
at least we have one thing in common
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never changed, always changing
they asked me to
take the old man who lives in the old house down halloway street
and search through his minds portfolio
but i could not bear to stand and watch as i witnessed
the pain and suffering of
time
so lonely and alone
a word of its own
when i search it up, i find no others
"hour" "o'clock" "schedule" et cetera et cetera et cetera
i asked the old man who lives in that old house i've learned to call home
and he told me to look outside
and see the birds
every day
watch upon their hollow songs and chirping tweets and melancholy curses
every day
and listen and listen and listen until i could hear them no more
twenty years later, i went back to halloway street
and found the old, tattered shack my old man spent his last days now gone
no reminants, no reminders, no **knowing**
just another upon its grave
alive and welcome and homely
children play in its front yard, luscious and green
with petunias dangling across the fence
it's beautiful, terrifying
this is not his home, this is not his love, this is not.
right.
i sit down for a cup of tea
on a sun-shaded tarnished bench
and close my eyes
try to remember
those sullen, cloudy, vibrant days that changed my life forever
and then i hear them
their hollow songs and chirping tweets and melancholy curses
they're not the same as before
they will never be the same
but he was right that day, oh, he was right every time
they never stopped calling
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later
ive learnt the hard way that
"later" is never
"later" is no
"later" means "i don't care" and "i'm too tired"
and "this doesn't matter right now"
"later" is false hope
something that will so obviously never happen
but -what if
god, what if it did
"later" is ignorance
and "stop bothering me"
and "i'm done with you"
it's like being too weak to unscrew the lid of a soda can
and having to ask someone for help
but you're so scared
because what if they say
"later"
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i know.
eyes glazed
moving lips
pleading, begging, watching- silent
torturers grip
chains inside your throat
cut open, bleeding fiend
you’d kill it to kill you
so you could be free
release from humiliation
your immortal enemy
cry all you want tonight
alas, you’re lost in history
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cuts of yellow (maybe purple too?)
fairy lights in a gold-cemented jar with jagged, imperfect stars- scars
cut across its hollowed body
awake by the dawn of time, as the sullen day breaks free over the horizon
and the breath of yellow blankets; the monotonous and monochromatic
becomes a pattern, kaleidoscopic views- swirling- mind-bending
tug of war dancing above the cotton candy skies, feet hanging above the puffs of silver that should not be tangible
(spell-binding beauty so apparent to the world)
dreams cascading into minds as one tug over the blanket from another
light, night, light, night–
repetitive and argumentative; the old married couples complain about cold toes
prisms twirl across the field, worshiping the sun's cardinal principle
grace and toes as pointy as mama's kitchen knives
sweep the stars right off their arms and let them sink beneath the sand abysmal
this game, oh so debilitating: hands reach out to grasp the string one conclusive time before they misstep
tightropes swinging- begging, pleading, hoping- praying you escape its solitary
fraying threads from childhood games made of sunlight and beams of stars- scars to the midnight sky- scar your heart and soul and body
one day at a time –
cuts
of light
so yellow
(but sort of purple too?)
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yesterday's innkeeper
yesterday's innkeeper
she was a little bit like me
a bright, shaken smile
for us to all believe
she dragged me inside
asked me if i'd enjoyed my stay
just one more passerby
in her casket she must wait
day in and day out
carrier of hotel baggage
bright and as heavy as the rain
brown eyes that speak a language
so cryptic and intriguing
so hollow yet so free
are you asking for a savior?
or must i just let you be?
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the end goal
when i met you in the fall
bright-eyes, all smiles
whispers from hall to hall
what I didn't know
until it was too late was that
you were already so far gone
and i tried to work, i tried to fix it
i tried to pretend so i could change it
but i too, was barely hanging on
a battle so fierce,
but the winner is the one who loses first
and you let go first
you left me alone
and its selfish, i know
but i hope that hurts
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selfish
littered upon the sandy shore
waves lapping against an invisible wall
dancing on stained and colored glass
upon the earths silky shawl
claws arising, from the sea
a hook, a net, terror and fear
a clash of houses once so divided
a battle so insignificantly giant
a breath once taken, maybe the last
of yellow snow and purple grass
a warped fixation of a prayers grasp
stood up by ones who take their stand
shunned away into the depths
of hollow minds and gleeful death
once alike and once connected
hiding away from the infected
a vacant cave once full of life
of love and care and pain and strife
swallowed by the seas ruthless hand
as her fish scuttered to safer sands
a knife dripping with golden blood
feeding her greed with the strongest drugs
a spiral made of dreams so long gone
steal the queen, become the pawn
waiting, watching, pulling back
a tsunami boils under the sand
acrobats upon a broken string
dangling upon all seven seas
we cut and bleed till we can’t walk straight
and once we know it’s far too late
covered in a thousand stitches
from our selfish, hopeless, faithless wishes
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panagramic haiku
complete alphabet
we spy 'round this quaking mix
of words like vast jazz
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⋆ . ˚ No Therapist Friend ˚. ⋆
Have a savior complex
It's been doing me great
I'm second place to myself
Got to think straight
Before you ask how I am
I promise I'll ask you first
And if you say you're good then well
I'll throw my feelings out the window
If you're good so am I
I'd never burden you with my cries
If you're bad, I'm right here
I'm doing fine, don't worry about my tears
I see everyone complaining about being a therapist friend
Pisses me off cause its what I live for
For people to know that they can trust me
Come and ask me for help
I'd throw my feelings out the window any day for that
Because no matter how bad I feel
I know I'll always feel better
When someone comes up to me
And tells me what's upset her
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⋆ . ˚ Trick of Light ˚. ⋆
Bits of brass
and steel
and ruby glass
sprinkled on the sidewalk
Bits of jade
and emeralds
and sapphires
of victory and wealth
Bits of life
and love
and care
and that's when you realize
it's all fake
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