incorrect-batfamily-quotes

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

The Robins as…

PLAYERS AT A CARD GAME/BOARD GAME

>>> — <<<

DICK:

You’d think that with him being the Robin with his heart on his sleeve, a respected vigilante to both superheroes and villains alike, and a beloved “constant” throughout the Multiverse, he wouldn’t do you dirty. And it’s moments like these, when you’re looking into his oh-so-warm eyes during a Poker game, that he banks on just that.

Jason and Tim: *watching close-up surveillance footage of Dick talking to Batman via the Batcomputer*

Jason: *frowning* Uh, what are we looking for again?

Tim: *rewinding the footage* Look closely! There’s a glint! A glint in his eyes!

Jason: Yeah, so?

Tim: That’s Dick’s tell! I’ve been trying to figure it out for years. Watch as he very calmly tells Bruce that Batnopoly Night went without a hitch while Alfred was busy putting out the fire in the library.

Damian: There’s no “glint”, Drake. His charm is his greatest con. We’ve all known it. We just fall for it every time. 

Damian: *narrows his eyes* And, frankly, we need to learn it.

But he’s really not as competitive as you’d think. He’s just happy with any excuse for the family to get together outside of being vigilantes.

Damian: -Tt- Are you losing on purpose, Grayson?

Dick: *grinning* Why would you say that, Little D? Maybe you’re just better at this game than I am.

Tim: *scoffing* He’s a big boy, Dick. Tell him that you just don’t want him to throw a tantrum and walk out again.

Jason: *chuckling while figuring out his next move* Good times.

>>> — <<<

JASON:

His experience on the streets and on the field have made him nearly unbeatable at most games in the Manor.

Red Hood: Let me play in one of your casinos, all the games I want for however many times I want, free of charge, with none of your henchmen breathing down my neck. 

Penguin [on the phone]: Ha! Have you gone mad, Bat Brat? What’s in it for me?

Red Hood: I won’t blow it up for another week.

Penguin: …

Red Hood: I mean, I’d let the guests get out first, duh-doy. But wouldn’t it be nice to have that place of business for seven more days? 

If you ask him what his secret is, he’d probably just shrug and say, “Guts”. But don’t put mind games past him either. 

Dick: *smirking* Is Little Wing about to fo-ooold?

Jason: Nah. Not when I have this. *drops his gun where his cards should be*

Tim: *rolls his eyes* Dude, you can’t just pull that thing out every time you’re about to lose.

Jason: *using his cards to scratch his chin* Oh, yeah? I can even do it when I’m about to win.

Damian: *stabs the table with his sword* And of this you’re certain, Todd?

Dick: Uh, guys… Maybe we should review the mechanics of this game?

Perhaps the best part about playing with (or against) him is that he’s not a sore loser. He’s learned the hard way that holding grudges can hold you back. Besides, if he’s being honest, he’s really looking forward to spending time with the family outside of “work”, too.

>>> — <<<

TIM:

Should it be a surprise that he prefers role-playing games? The detective in him just won’t quit.

Jason: *rubbing his hands in anticipation* Fina-freakin’-lly! “Batcaves and Beasties”, baby!

Damian: And I shall be Batcave Command–

Tim: *unceremoniously ripping the plastic off the shiny, new box with a Wayne Games logo* Not today, Blood Brat. This limited edition set was my design, so I take the lead.

Five and half hours later…

Dick: *rubbing his chin thoughtfully* Timmy? If I didn’t know better, I’d say we’re in the middle of solving the cold case you’ve been working on for three weeks now…

Damian: *throws his hands up in frustration* I knew it! “Jamie Gordie the Comish”? How stupid do you think we are, Drake? And what part of “Game Night” didn’t you understand?

Tim: *gets up from the table* Then maybe don’t pressure me into it when I’ve been working on a cold case for three weeks! 

Jason: *shrugs* I don’t know about you guys, but I’m actually digging these apparently-not-so-imaginary scenarios.

It’s a challenge when you’re playing against someone as intellectual as him, but not for the reason you may think.

Tim: It’s statistically impossible!

Damian: That you lost? Of course not. Drake, need I remind you that, by definition, losers lose?

Tim: But I –

Jason: Timbo, we love you, but if you say “I ran the numbers” one more time, I swear to Bats…

Dick: That’s it. *takes out the game’s instruction manual and scribbles on it* Tim, I’m sorry, but it’s now officially illegal for you to do this much research for fun time.

>>> — <<<

DAMIAN:

He likes his games ancient and sophisticated. None of that 21st-century tomfoolery! We’re talking Chess, Tawla, Mancala…

Damian: *carefully contemplating his next move*

Clock: *tick-tocking*

Tumbleweed: *rustling*

Ants: *pitter-pattering*

Jason: *yawning*

Tim: *snoring loudly*

Dick: *Google-ing how to play the game*

Damian: -Tt- To say you’re all uncultured swine would be an insult to the swine.

Who’s he kidding? He definitely (though secretly) loves those “juvenile” games. It’s uncertain what he’s worse at, though: losing or winning.

During patrol…

Nightwing: *staring at Tim* Is that a… bite mark on your chin? 

Red Robin: *setting up surveillance equipment* Oh, that reminds me. Hey, Jay, would you lend me one of your full-face helmets for next Game Night?

Red Hood: *gives Tim a thumbs up*

Nightwing: So… did Damian win or lose to you?

Red Robin: *looks back at Dick, deadpan* Wanna guess? Because believe me when I say that it could go either way.

Red Hood: *chuckling while aiming his scope at Black Mask’s window* Good times.  

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

@dangerous-doodle , I know this wasn’t exactly a “The Robins as” kind of Ask, but I thought I’d leave it to you guys to decide who the best is. Thanks! It’s one of those prompts that I’d like to eventually flesh out with the rest of the Batfamily included.

(Honestly, I rarely play card or board games, but I grew up with people who took the fun quite seriously. Ha ha.)

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Ask: The 27th of April, the Last (and Long) Part

Bonus Ask:

[Stately Wayne Manor]

Jason: *helping Alfred clear out the dinner table* You think we should’ve asked Harley to stay for dinner? 

Alfred: If you wished to see Master Bruce’s hair turn to grey as you ate dessert, I don’t see why not.

Jason: *burps loudly and fans his breath away* Whoops. Sorry, Alf. Just my way of complimenting your cooking.

Alfred: *carrying the dishes to the kitchen* Then perhaps you should come here more often, Master Jason.

Jason: *following Alfred* I’d rather not cause any trouble.

Alfred: *stops in his tracks and turns to face Jason with a stern expression* And you don’t think it troubles me that you feel unwelcome here?

Jason: *takes the dishes from Alfred’s hands, sets them on the kitchen island, and pulls him in for a hug* Alf, hey… I didn’t mean it like that. I know you guys care about me, it’s just…

Alfred: *sobbing into Jason’s shirt* We’ve already lost you once… Once is enough, Jason…

Jason: *tightens the hug and gently plants a kiss on top of Alfred’s head* I know, I know… I’m back, Alf. I’m back.

>>> *** <<<

Dick and Barbara: *sitting on the carpeted floor in the study, enjoying the heat from the fireplace in front of them, going through a stack of photo albums*

Dick: *smiling fondly* Wow, these are old-old…. I should probably scan them before they crumble to pieces.

Dick: *stops at a page and points at a picture of Bruce and Jason on a boat, smiling, and holding up a tuna* Check this out, Babs… Aw, I love this one. I had a few days off from work, decided to spend it here. Somehow Jason convinced Bruce to take break from himself and go fishing.  

Dick: *talking animatedly* So, there we are on Bruce’s huge fishing boat, the Bat-2-Sea – And Jason’s starting to get seasick because he’s been hanging out by the edge, waiting for a bite for hours – The persistence on that kid! –  And he finally gets one! A big one, Babs – *spreads his arms* – and it was pulling down hard like you wouldn’t believe, but Jason just wouldn’t let go! – So Bruce drops the glass of wine he’s holding and runs to grab him –

Barbara: What were you doing?

Dick: Who do you think took the picture? As I was saying – Bruce, he – he – *starts to laugh so hard that he tears up* trips over Jason’s line somehow and falls into the ocean! *slapping-the-floor laughing* The World’s Greatest Detective, in his Batwaders, drenched like a wet bird… *sighs happily* You should’ve seen his face!

Barbara: *turns the page* Oh, I can see it now. Still stone-faced, but wet.

Barbara: *stops at a page and giggles* Aw… Will you look at that?

Dick: *looks at the photo Babs is pointing at and chuckles softly* That’s adorable. 

Barbara: Those scaly leotards fit him better than they ever did you, Boy Wonder.

Dick: *smirks* Whatever. But I have to admit, he did look great. He looked really… happy. I wish… I wish I saw more of him in action, you know? *voice breaking* I could’ve maybe trained him the way I did Tim and Damian –

Barbara: *rubs his back comfortingly* Dick…

Jason: *walks into the study* Dickie, I took some of your –

Dick: *clears his throat and wipes his eyes haphazardly* Hey, Little Wing!

Jason: Wait, are those our old family photos?

Barbara: *pats the empty spot beside her* C'mere.

Jason: *sits down and rubs his hands together* Where’s the one where Bruce goes kersplat in the ocean?

Jason: *flips through the pages and grimaces at his photos as Robin* You’re not gonna use these to blackmail me, are you?

>>> *** <<<

Duke: *watches as his RPG character explodes for the fifth time in a row and shakes his head* You beat me again! You’re so good at this game, man.

Jason: *snorts and puts his controller down* Dude, you weren’t even trying. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were letting me win.

Duke: What? Naaaah… That’s… Come on, why would I do that?

Jason: *gets up and shrugs, grinning knowingly* I dunno… ‘Cause you like seeing me alive?

Duke: Yeah. It’s pretty awesome, actually.

Jason: *offers to bump fists* I gotta pack up. Good game, though. See you around, bro.

Duke: *exploding-fist-bumps with Jason* You too, bro.

Jason: *pats Ace the Bathound’s head as he exits the game room*

>>> *** <<<

Steph: *examining Jason’s face* You look really pale.

Cass: *pointing at various spots on his face* And you have a lot of… scars.

Jason: *sitting on a stool in front of Cass’s vanity dresser, staring at himself in the mirror and absentmindedly running a finger over the shirt-covered scar on his chest* Yeah? That bad, huh?

Steph: *grins* Nothing a little makeup can’t fix.

Jason: *rubbing his chin* You think so? I mean, I just came here to borrow a few weapons from Cass, but if you think I need a makeover…

Steph and Cass: *look at each other and squeal in delight*

>>> *** <<<

Tim: And this *holding up a minuscule gadget between his fingers for Jason to see* generates a force field over your entire body. The more the impact, the greater the energy generated. Schway, huh?

Jason: *nodding his head appreciatively as he takes the gadget and sticks it on the lapel of his leather jacket* Schway.

Tim: *proudly shows Jason a Bat-shaped breastplate * Now, this – You’re gonna love this – It can turn you invisible to the naked eye for roughly 34.5 seconds, giving you time to do all kinds of offensive or defensive stuff. They won’t know what hit them, Jay. You’re basically gonna be invincible and Joker… Joker, he’s… he’s not… not gonna… *drops the breastplate unceremoniously* 

Jason: *places a hand on Tim’s shoulder* Thank you, Timbo. Really. But I’ll be fine out there. You don’t have to worry about me.

Tim: Yeah? Can you promise me that? Because I don’t think I can live through another one of Bruce’s meltdowns.

Jason: *chuckles softly* Aren’t they the best?

>>> *** <<<

Jason: *staring at an empty grave layered with concrete in the backyard*

Jason: *rolls his eyes* I know you’re there.

Bruce: *comes out of the shadows and stands next to Jason*

Jason: Why’d you keep it?

Bruce: Because I’m a sentimental old fool.

Jason: This is just… creepy. Even for you.

Bruce and Jason: *stare at the empty grave in silence*

Jason: I’ve forgiven you.

Bruce: *glances at Jason, who could’ve sworn his adoptive father’s eyes were bloodshot* 

Jason: You know that, don’t you? I mean, I know we’re always going to disagree about Jok– about him, and a few other things, but… You’ll always be family, Bruce. My family. 

Bruce: *looks at Jason, smiling wearily*

Jason: *grinning back at Bruce*

Bruce: *puts an arm around Jason’s shoulder* Thank you… Son.

Jason: *pulls Bruce in for a tight hug*

Bruce and Jason: … 

Jason: Hey, remember that time you went kersplat in the ocean?

>>> *** <<<

Damian: *knocks softly on Jason’s bedroom door* Todd.

Jason: *stuffing a duffel bag with clothes, homemade snacks, and weapons* Hey, kid, come in. I’m just getting my stuff ready –

Damian: These came from Mother. *drops a pile of books on Jason’s old desk*

Jason: *picking one after the other up excitedly* Tolstoy, Machiavelli, Sun Tzu, Shakespeare, Marx… No way… 

Damian: They’ve been with me for a while. But since you rarely come over, they’ve been collecting dust and taking up valuable space in my room. -Tt-

Jason: *wiping the dust off with his shirt and hugging each one* She kept them… These were my friends back when I was in the League… 

Damian: I didn’t realize we had more in common than just being my Father’s sons.

Jason: Wow. I have no idea how I’m supposed to bring all of these home. I mean, I got here on roller blades, for Bat’s sake – 

Damian: *thrusts a piece of paper into Jason’s chest* This is for you.

Jason: *gingerly uncrumples it, revealing a painting of him and Damian*

Jason: *reading the writing in calligraphy underneath* “The Second Chance Robins”… *looks at Damian, feeling the tears well up in his eyes* You made this?

Damian: *looking down at his feet* When it’s my day… M-my d-day… Will you come over, too?

Jason: *gets down on bended knee to be at eye level with his little brother* Hey, buddy, look at me. Damian, look at me. Of course. Listen, we’ll do whatever you want. We’ll, um… We’ll take bad guys down together! Pull pranks on Tim! You name it, I got you.

Damian: Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Todd.

Jason: I promise that I’ll do my best, okay?

Damian: You could stay the night, you know. You’re home anyway.

Jason: *ruffles Damian’s hair and grins* I’d like that. As long as you hang out here with me. And I promise I won’t tell anybody because it’ll ruin our reputation.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

If truth be told, @wingedskyes​ , Jason makes himself available on his Death Day. Because even if neither he nor his family and friends mention it, he knows that they need him just as much as he needs them.

Thank you for this Ask. It was both fun and just a tad bit heartbreaking to write. 

And thank you, @warrior-of-the-blue-moon​ , for the nice addition. 

See: Part 1, Part 2

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Ask: The 27th of April, Part 2

[Warehouse by Gotham Harbor, Gotham City, 1745 H]

Red Hood: *taps his foot impatiently while he checks his watch for the nth time* Come on, come on, come on. Make the drop, you guys. 

Red Hood: *sighs in frustration as he disassembles and reassembles his pistol in 15 seconds flat for the nth time* Let’s get it over with. 

Red Hood: *peeks from behind a stack of crates for the nth time* I don’t have all day. I promised Alfred I’d make it to dinner on time –

Red Hood: *stares at his ringing phone with narrowed eyes*

Red Hood: *picks it up* Roman.

Black Mask [on the phone]: *chuckling* Jason, my dear boy! How’ve you been? You look healthy. Very much alive, even.

Red Hood: *spots the tiny, hidden camera attached to a steel beam above him (How in the world did he miss that?) and cocks both his guns* Where are your men, ugly face?

Black Mask: Don’t you speak to me that way, you little rat! Before I make you a very D-E-A-… Hm. Forget I said that.

Red Hood: What?

Black Mask: The point is you’ve wasted your time waiting for nothing. So get lost!

Red Hood: Don’t lie to me! I’ve been tracking your every move for weeks and this warehouse reeks of your poisonous, criminal stench – 

Black Mask: *lets out a drawn-out sigh* Listen, just go home, kid. The carnage you were looking forward to today? Newsflash: It ain’t happening!

Red Hood: You don’t tell me what to do, you sick son of a –

Black Mask: I tell you what: You go home tonight – and I mean home – I’ll forward you the coordinates of every illegal shipment to and from Janus Cosmetics within a hundred mile radius. You can blow it all up for all I care. Deal?

Red Hood: And if you don’t? If you lie to me?

Black Mask: *growling* You’ll find them anyway, you always do!

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: Hm?

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: *plays a vinyl record in the background, sounding more relaxed* Because there are better days to dance our tango, Jason… Da-rum, da-rum, da-rum da-ra… 

Red Hood: … 

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

Black Mask: *crumpling a piece of paper near the phone speaker* You’re breaking up! *click*

>>> *** <<<

[Safe house, undisclosed location, 1815 H]

Red Hood: *fumbling as he enters the wrong passcode to the steel door for the third time in a row* Crap! Crap! Crap! I’m gonna be late!

Lock: Password incorrect. Initializing Code Red Protocol in three, two, o–

Red Hood: Override the stupid passcode! Activate voice recognition!

Lock: Activating voice recognition –

Red Hood: The Handsome Robin! The Handsome Robin!

Lock: Welcome, Jason Todd. Opening door n–

Red Hood: Hello, Safe House! *squeezes himself in the still-narrow space, then trips over his weapons, armor, and garments as he hurriedly strips himself of them en route to the bathroom*

Red Hood: *abruptly stops in his tracks* What the fuuhhh…

Red Hood: *watches as bubbly, green fluid oozes out of his bathtub* 

Red Hood: *picks up the rolled piece of parchment beside his Batshampoo, unties the ribbon around it, and spreads it open*

Note: “In case you needed more. [signed] The Demon’s Head”

>>> *** <<<

[Crime Alley, 1903 H]

Red Hood: *groans as he realizes that his motorcycle just ran out of fuel* Seriously? 

Harley Quinn: *rollerblading into view* Hey, Baby J! Need a lift? *holds up an extra pair of roller blades*

Red Hood: Yeahhhh no.

Harley Quinn: Come on! It’ll be fun! And I promise I won’t bite cha. *winks*

Red Hood: Oh, what the heck. *grabs the roller blades* So you really just carry around an extra pair of blades, huh? *proceeds to put his on*

Harley Quinn: Nope! But I’ve had this with me for a while now. *takes out a tiny package from the pocket of her shorts and hands it to Jason*

Red Hood: *examines it* Hm.

Harley Quinn: It ain’t poisoned or nothin’! Pinky swear! *holds out her pinky*

Red Hood: *frowning* What is it?

Harley Quinn: *claps her hands excitedly* Open it! Open it!

Red Hood: *gingerly unfolds the bubble gum wrapper and holds up its minuscule content* … A tiny crowbar?

Harley Quinn: Yes! You can open envelopes with it! Stir coffee with it! Hit tiny Mistah J’s on the noggin’ with it –

Red Hood: *chuckles and puts the gift in his jacket pocket* Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, I guess.

Harley Quinn: *holds her hand out to Jason* Come on! You’re gonna be late! Alfie ain’t gonna be happy!

Red Hood: …

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

And Jason’s confusion continues, @wingedskyes​ .

See: Part 1, Part 3

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Ask: The 27th of April, Part 1

[Safe house, location undisclosed]

Jason: *groggily opens one eye as he feels the foot of his bed dip* 

Jason: *hears a small noise from the kitchen as both his eyes begin to adjust to the darkness, the soreness of his battle-weary body returning*

Jason: *quietly reaches under his pillow for one of his guns, his finger ready to disengage the safety switch at a moment’s notice, but is abruptly stopped by.. Voices?*

Artemis: *whispering* The man just clearly came from patrol. The considerate thing to do would be to let him rest, Arrow Boy.

Arsenal: *angrily whispering back* Listen, lady, I’ve known Jaybird far longer than you have, so don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do –

Starfire: *hissing* Roy, that’s enough –

Artemis: *in a booming voice* Don’t you “lady” me, you mortal  –

Jason: *feels his heart speed up when the glint of a familiar axe catches his eye and attempts to get up and stop whatever war is unfolding before him, but loses his balance as his entire bed moves*

Bizarro: *shifting his position at the foot of Jason’s bed, excitedly yelling* RED HIM AM AWAKE! RED HIM AM AWAKE!

Arsenal, Starfire, and Artemis: *immediately stop bickering and look at Jason with fondness*

Jason: *rubbing his eyes tiredly* Why’re you all looking at me like th– hHUrrkK!

Bizarro: *hugging him tightly* BIZARRO AND PUP PUP AM MISS YOU SO MUCH! 

Jason: *gasping for air as Bizarro lets him go* I miss you, too, big buddy, but I’m pretty sure you just pulverized my broken bo– mMPh! Mmm hmmm…

Artemis: *releases Jason from their kiss and smiles shyly* Forgive me…

Jason: *grins dreamily at Artemis* You’re forgiven…

Starfire: *softly places a hand on Jason’s shoulder* It’s so good to see you.

Jason: It’s good to see you, too, Kory… All of you… But, um… What’re all of you doing here at *glances at the clock on his night table*… two in the morning?

Arsenal: Kory and I got here first!

Artemis: *rolls her eyes* Your immaturity continues to astound me.

Jason: Okaaay… *reaching for his phone* What day is it, anyway?

Bizarro: It am Apr–

Arsenal: *covers Bizarro’s mouth and chuckles nervously* It am doesn’t matter! Is what he meant to say.

Starfire: *gently pushes Jason back to bed, covers him with a blanket, and tucks Pup Pup under his arm* We can talk later, okay? Go to sleep. And when you wake up, we’ll be here.

Jason: *yawns and lets the darkness overtake him once more, uncertain whether seeing his closest friends all together was just a dream or not, but grateful either way* 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

@wingedskyes​, let’s just say that the 27th of April tends to be a long day for the people who care about him. And it’s only just begun. See: Part 2, Part 3

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

The Robins as...

Foreword: Okay, this wasn’t even an Ask or a prompt sent specifically to me, but I reblogged this post a bunch of times with my own answers back in September 2019 (T'was fun!) and figured I might as well compile them into one post. That being said, thank you to @batmanisagatewaydrug​ for the suggestion. (P.S. If you do come across the original post, check out what the others answered. Pretty hilarious stuff.)

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –

Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?

Batman: *snorts, then lets go of the door handle and glares at the window*

Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of the consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –

Driver: *eyeing them through the rearview mirror* So, you two headed to Gotham Comic Con?

Batman: Hrrrn.

Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.

>>> — <<<

Red Hood: *takes his helmet off, adjusts his domino mask, and lights up a cigarette*

Driver: Sir, that’s not –

Red Hood: *blows smoke out of the window and offers him a stick* Want one?

Driver: No, it’s… it’s fine. Thank you.

Red Hood: You seen any penguins around here lately?

Driver: Penguins… Like the ones at the zoo?

Red Hood: *surveying every establishment they drive by* No, no. Suspicious ones.

Driver: I, um… don’t think so…

Red Hood: *puts his cigarette out and flicks it into a garbage bin they pass* Just drop me off at that bar right there.

Driver: Are you sure? Because it says on the map that we’re still half a mile away from The Daily Planet –

Red Hood: *reloading a gun and muttering to himself while looking intensely out of the window* There you are, you piece of filth. Hiding out in Metropolis like the coward that you are –

Driver: *gulps as he eyes him through the rearview mirror*

Red Hood: *hands him a hundred dollar bill, then pats him on the shoulder* Thanks, man. Stay safe.

Driver: *gets a jolt as he hears the back door slam shut* You’re welcome, Sir… Rason Rodd.

>>> — <<<

Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!

Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked… ?

Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*

Driver: *eyeing him through the rearview mirror* Costume party, huh?

Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Unfunny clowns, talking crocodiles, two-faced men… You name it.

Driver: Sounds wild.

Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.

Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop off you at *zooms the location in* the Gotham Garbage and Recycling Center? … At 2 AM?

Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*

>>> — <<<

At Gotham Academy…

Damian: *glares at the driver through the rearview mirror*

Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*

Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.

Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?

Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.

Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, please don’t – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button on his phone after keying in “911”*

Damian: That won’t be necessary.

Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*

Meanwhile…

Alfred: *answers the phone while chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transporta– Oh, oh, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought – Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. *click*

#the robins as #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #mine #big brother of the year #caffeinated crusader #grumpy old kid #hug monster

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

IMAGINE: Dick trying to take Batman's attention away from a new Robin.

Big boii jealous of baby

(Source)

#incorrect batfamily quotes #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #reblogged

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

You're so amazing the way your big 🧠 functions I am not worthy 😭😭😭but I AM blessed to see your posts about Batfam 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🤍🤍🤍

And my supposedly big 🧠 can't find enough words to say how grateful I am for yours, @woyaogaoxing. Thank you so much. Your support is inspiring. 🤍

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Ask: The 27th of April, the Last (and Long) Part

Bonus Ask:

[Stately Wayne Manor]

Jason: *helping Alfred clear out the dinner table* You think we should’ve asked Harley to stay for dinner? 

Alfred: If you wished to see Master Bruce’s hair turn to grey as you ate dessert, I don’t see why not.

Jason: *burps loudly and fans his breath away* Whoops. Sorry, Alf. Just my way of complimenting your cooking.

Alfred: *carrying the dishes to the kitchen* Then perhaps you should come here more often, Master Jason.

Jason: *following Alfred* I’d rather not cause any trouble.

Alfred: *stops in his tracks and turns to face Jason with a stern expression* And you don’t think it troubles me that you feel unwelcome here?

Jason: *takes the dishes from Alfred’s hands, sets them on the kitchen island, and pulls him in for a hug* Alf, hey… I didn’t mean it like that. I know you guys care about me, it’s just…

Alfred: *sobbing into Jason’s shirt* We’ve already lost you once… Once is enough, Jason…

Jason: *tightens the hug and gently plants a kiss on top of Alfred’s head* I know, I know… I’m back, Alf. I’m back.

>>> *** <<<

Dick and Barbara: *sitting on the carpeted floor in the study, enjoying the heat from the fireplace in front of them, going through a stack of photo albums*

Dick: *smiling fondly* Wow, these are old-old…. I should probably scan them before they crumble to pieces.

Dick: *stops at a page and points at a picture of Bruce and Jason on a boat, smiling, and holding up a tuna* Check this out, Babs… Aw, I love this one. I had a few days off from work, decided to spend it here. Somehow Jason convinced Bruce to take break from himself and go fishing.  

Dick: *talking animatedly* So, there we are on Bruce’s huge fishing boat, the Bat-2-Sea – And Jason’s starting to get seasick because he’s been hanging out by the edge, waiting for a bite for hours – The persistence on that kid! –  And he finally gets one! A big one, Babs – *spreads his arms* – and it was pulling down hard like you wouldn’t believe, but Jason just wouldn’t let go! – So Bruce drops the glass of wine he’s holding and runs to grab him –

Barbara: What were you doing?

Dick: Who do you think took the picture? As I was saying – Bruce, he – he – *starts to laugh so hard that he tears up* trips over Jason’s line somehow and falls into the ocean! *slapping-the-floor laughing* The World’s Greatest Detective, in his Batwaders, drenched like a wet bird… *sighs happily* You should’ve seen his face!

Barbara: *turns the page* Oh, I can see it now. Still stone-faced, but wet.

Barbara: *stops at a page and giggles* Aw… Will you look at that?

Dick: *looks at the photo Babs is pointing at and chuckles softly* That’s adorable. 

Barbara: Those scaly leotards fit him better than they ever did you, Boy Wonder.

Dick: *smirks* Whatever. But I have to admit, he did look great. He looked really… happy. I wish… I wish I saw more of him in action, you know? *voice breaking* I could’ve maybe trained him the way I did Tim and Damian –

Barbara: *rubs his back comfortingly* Dick…

Jason: *walks into the study* Dickie, I took some of your –

Dick: *clears his throat and wipes his eyes haphazardly* Hey, Little Wing!

Jason: Wait, are those our old family photos?

Barbara: *pats the empty spot beside her* C'mere.

Jason: *sits down and rubs his hands together* Where’s the one where Bruce goes kersplat in the ocean?

Jason: *flips through the pages and grimaces at his photos as Robin* You’re not gonna use these to blackmail me, are you?

>>> *** <<<

Duke: *watches as his RPG character explodes for the fifth time in a row and shakes his head* You beat me again! You’re so good at this game, man.

Jason: *snorts and puts his controller down* Dude, you weren’t even trying. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were letting me win.

Duke: What? Naaaah… That’s… Come on, why would I do that?

Jason: *gets up and shrugs, grinning knowingly* I dunno… ‘Cause you like seeing me alive?

Duke: Yeah. It’s pretty awesome, actually.

Jason: *offers to bump fists* I gotta pack up. Good game, though. See you around, bro.

Duke: *exploding-fist-bumps with Jason* You too, bro.

Jason: *pats Ace the Bathound’s head as he exits the game room*

>>> *** <<<

Steph: *examining Jason’s face* You look really pale.

Cass: *pointing at various spots on his face* And you have a lot of… scars.

Jason: *sitting on a stool in front of Cass’s vanity dresser, staring at himself in the mirror and absentmindedly running a finger over the shirt-covered scar on his chest* Yeah? That bad, huh?

Steph: *grins* Nothing a little makeup can’t fix.

Jason: *rubbing his chin* You think so? I mean, I just came here to borrow a few weapons from Cass, but if you think I need a makeover…

Steph and Cass: *look at each other and squeal in delight*

>>> *** <<<

Tim: And this *holding up a minuscule gadget between his fingers for Jason to see* generates a force field over your entire body. The more the impact, the greater the energy generated. Schway, huh?

Jason: *nodding his head appreciatively as he takes the gadget and sticks it on the lapel of his leather jacket* Schway.

Tim: *proudly shows Jason a Bat-shaped breastplate * Now, this – You’re gonna love this – It can turn you invisible to the naked eye for roughly 34.5 seconds, giving you time to do all kinds of offensive or defensive stuff. They won’t know what hit them, Jay. You’re basically gonna be invincible and Joker… Joker, he’s… he’s not… not gonna… *drops the breastplate unceremoniously* 

Jason: *places a hand on Tim’s shoulder* Thank you, Timbo. Really. But I’ll be fine out there. You don’t have to worry about me.

Tim: Yeah? Can you promise me that? Because I don’t think I can live through another one of Bruce’s meltdowns.

Jason: *chuckles softly* Aren’t they the best?

>>> *** <<<

Jason: *staring at an empty grave layered with concrete in the backyard*

Jason: *rolls his eyes* I know you’re there.

Bruce: *comes out of the shadows and stands next to Jason*

Jason: Why’d you keep it?

Bruce: Because I’m a sentimental old fool.

Jason: This is just… creepy. Even for you.

Bruce and Jason: *stare at the empty grave in silence*

Jason: I’ve forgiven you.

Bruce: *glances at Jason, who could’ve sworn his adoptive father’s eyes were bloodshot* 

Jason: You know that, don’t you? I mean, I know we’re always going to disagree about Jok– about him, and a few other things, but… You’ll always be family, Bruce. My family. 

Bruce: *looks at Jason, smiling wearily*

Jason: *grinning back at Bruce*

Bruce: *puts an arm around Jason’s shoulder* Thank you… Son.

Jason: *pulls Bruce in for a tight hug*

Bruce and Jason: … 

Jason: Hey, remember that time you went kersplat in the ocean?

>>> *** <<<

Damian: *knocks softly on Jason’s bedroom door* Todd.

Jason: *stuffing a duffel bag with clothes, homemade snacks, and weapons* Hey, kid, come in. I’m just getting my stuff ready –

Damian: These came from Mother. *drops a pile of books on Jason’s old desk*

Jason: *picking one after the other up excitedly* Tolstoy, Machiavelli, Sun Tzu, Shakespeare, Marx… No way… 

Damian: They’ve been with me for a while. But since you rarely come over, they’ve been collecting dust and taking up valuable space in my room. -Tt-

Jason: *wiping the dust off with his shirt and hugging each one* She kept them… These were my friends back when I was in the League… 

Damian: I didn’t realize we had more in common than just being my Father’s sons.

Jason: Wow. I have no idea how I’m supposed to bring all of these home. I mean, I got here on roller blades, for Bat’s sake – 

Damian: *thrusts a piece of paper into Jason’s chest* This is for you.

Jason: *gingerly uncrumples it, revealing a painting of him and Damian*

Jason: *reading the writing in calligraphy underneath* “The Second Chance Robins”… *looks at Damian, feeling the tears well up in his eyes* You made this?

Damian: *looking down at his feet* When it’s my day… M-my d-day… Will you come over, too?

Jason: *gets down on bended knee to be at eye level with his little brother* Hey, buddy, look at me. Damian, look at me. Of course. Listen, we’ll do whatever you want. We’ll, um… We’ll take bad guys down together! Pull pranks on Tim! You name it, I got you.

Damian: Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Todd.

Jason: I promise that I’ll do my best, okay?

Damian: You could stay the night, you know. You’re home anyway.

Jason: *ruffles Damian’s hair and grins* I’d like that. As long as you hang out here with me. And I promise I won’t tell anybody because it’ll ruin our reputation.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

If truth be told, @wingedskyes​ , Jason makes himself available on his Death Day. Because even if neither he nor his family and friends mention it, he knows that they need him just as much as he needs them.

Thank you for this Ask. It was both fun and just a tad bit heartbreaking to write. 

And thank you, @warrior-of-the-blue-moon​ , for the nice addition. 

See: Part 1, Part 2

#Ask #Bruce Wayne #Richard Grayson #Jason Todd #Timothy Drake #Damian Wayne #Barbara Gordon #Stephanie Brown #Cassandra Cain #Duke Thomas #Alfred Pennyworth #Talia al Ghul #Ace the Bathound

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Ask: The 27th of April, Part 2

[Warehouse by Gotham Harbor, Gotham City, 1745 H]

Red Hood: *taps his foot impatiently while he checks his watch for the nth time* Come on, come on, come on. Make the drop, you guys. 

Red Hood: *sighs in frustration as he disassembles and reassembles his pistol in 15 seconds flat for the nth time* Let’s get it over with. 

Red Hood: *peeks from behind a stack of crates for the nth time* I don’t have all day. I promised Alfred I’d make it to dinner on time –

Red Hood: *stares at his ringing phone with narrowed eyes*

Red Hood: *picks it up* Roman.

Black Mask [on the phone]: *chuckling* Jason, my dear boy! How’ve you been? You look healthy. Very much alive, even.

Red Hood: *spots the tiny, hidden camera attached to a steel beam above him (How in the world did he miss that?) and cocks both his guns* Where are your men, ugly face?

Black Mask: Don’t you speak to me that way, you little rat! Before I make you a very D-E-A-… Hm. Forget I said that.

Red Hood: What?

Black Mask: The point is you’ve wasted your time waiting for nothing. So get lost!

Red Hood: Don’t lie to me! I’ve been tracking your every move for weeks and this warehouse reeks of your poisonous, criminal stench – 

Black Mask: *lets out a drawn-out sigh* Listen, just go home, kid. The carnage you were looking forward to today? Newsflash: It ain’t happening!

Red Hood: You don’t tell me what to do, you sick son of a –

Black Mask: I tell you what: You go home tonight – and I mean home – I’ll forward you the coordinates of every illegal shipment to and from Janus Cosmetics within a hundred mile radius. You can blow it all up for all I care. Deal?

Red Hood: And if you don’t? If you lie to me?

Black Mask: *growling* You’ll find them anyway, you always do!

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: Hm?

Red Hood: Why?

Black Mask: *plays a vinyl record in the background, sounding more relaxed* Because there are better days to dance our tango, Jason… Da-rum, da-rum, da-rum da-ra… 

Red Hood: … 

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

Black Mask: *crumpling a piece of paper near the phone speaker* You’re breaking up! *click*

>>> *** <<<

[Safe house, undisclosed location, 1815 H]

Red Hood: *fumbling as he enters the wrong passcode to the steel door for the third time in a row* Crap! Crap! Crap! I’m gonna be late!

Lock: Password incorrect. Initializing Code Red Protocol in three, two, o–

Red Hood: Override the stupid passcode! Activate voice recognition!

Lock: Activating voice recognition –

Red Hood: The Handsome Robin! The Handsome Robin!

Lock: Welcome, Jason Todd. Opening door n–

Red Hood: Hello, Safe House! *squeezes himself in the still-narrow space, then trips over his weapons, armor, and garments as he hurriedly strips himself of them en route to the bathroom*

Red Hood: *abruptly stops in his tracks* What the fuuhhh…

Red Hood: *watches as bubbly, green fluid oozes out of his bathtub* 

Red Hood: *picks up the rolled piece of parchment beside his Batshampoo, unties the ribbon around it, and spreads it open*

Note: “In case you needed more. [signed] The Demon’s Head”

>>> *** <<<

[Crime Alley, 1903 H]

Red Hood: *groans as he realizes that his motorcycle just ran out of fuel* Seriously? 

Harley Quinn: *rollerblading into view* Hey, Baby J! Need a lift? *holds up an extra pair of roller blades*

Red Hood: Yeahhhh no.

Harley Quinn: Come on! It’ll be fun! And I promise I won’t bite cha. *winks*

Red Hood: Oh, what the heck. *grabs the roller blades* So you really just carry around an extra pair of blades, huh? *proceeds to put his on*

Harley Quinn: Nope! But I’ve had this with me for a while now. *takes out a tiny package from the pocket of her shorts and hands it to Jason*

Red Hood: *examines it* Hm.

Harley Quinn: It ain’t poisoned or nothin’! Pinky swear! *holds out her pinky*

Red Hood: *frowning* What is it?

Harley Quinn: *claps her hands excitedly* Open it! Open it!

Red Hood: *gingerly unfolds the bubble gum wrapper and holds up its minuscule content* … A tiny crowbar?

Harley Quinn: Yes! You can open envelopes with it! Stir coffee with it! Hit tiny Mistah J’s on the noggin’ with it –

Red Hood: *chuckles and puts the gift in his jacket pocket* Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, I guess.

Harley Quinn: *holds her hand out to Jason* Come on! You’re gonna be late! Alfie ain’t gonna be happy!

Red Hood: …

Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

And Jason’s confusion continues, @wingedskyes​ .

See: Part 1, Part 3

#Ask #Jason Todd #Roman Sionis #Ra's al Ghul #Harleen Quinzel

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Ask: The 27th of April, Part 1

[Safe house, location undisclosed]

Jason: *groggily opens one eye as he feels the foot of his bed dip* 

Jason: *hears a small noise from the kitchen as both his eyes begin to adjust to the darkness, the soreness of his battle-weary body returning*

Jason: *quietly reaches under his pillow for one of his guns, his finger ready to disengage the safety switch at a moment’s notice, but is abruptly stopped by.. Voices?*

Artemis: *whispering* The man just clearly came from patrol. The considerate thing to do would be to let him rest, Arrow Boy.

Arsenal: *angrily whispering back* Listen, lady, I’ve known Jaybird far longer than you have, so don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do –

Starfire: *hissing* Roy, that’s enough –

Artemis: *in a booming voice* Don’t you “lady” me, you mortal  –

Jason: *feels his heart speed up when the glint of a familiar axe catches his eye and attempts to get up and stop whatever war is unfolding before him, but loses his balance as his entire bed moves*

Bizarro: *shifting his position at the foot of Jason’s bed, excitedly yelling* RED HIM AM AWAKE! RED HIM AM AWAKE!

Arsenal, Starfire, and Artemis: *immediately stop bickering and look at Jason with fondness*

Jason: *rubbing his eyes tiredly* Why’re you all looking at me like th– hHUrrkK!

Bizarro: *hugging him tightly* BIZARRO AND PUP PUP AM MISS YOU SO MUCH! 

Jason: *gasping for air as Bizarro lets him go* I miss you, too, big buddy, but I’m pretty sure you just pulverized my broken bo– mMPh! Mmm hmmm…

Artemis: *releases Jason from their kiss and smiles shyly* Forgive me…

Jason: *grins dreamily at Artemis* You’re forgiven…

Starfire: *softly places a hand on Jason’s shoulder* It’s so good to see you.

Jason: It’s good to see you, too, Kory… All of you… But, um… What’re all of you doing here at *glances at the clock on his night table*… two in the morning?

Arsenal: Kory and I got here first!

Artemis: *rolls her eyes* Your immaturity continues to astound me.

Jason: Okaaay… *reaching for his phone* What day is it, anyway?

Bizarro: It am Apr–

Arsenal: *covers Bizarro’s mouth and chuckles nervously* It am doesn’t matter! Is what he meant to say.

Starfire: *gently pushes Jason back to bed, covers him with a blanket, and tucks Pup Pup under his arm* We can talk later, okay? Go to sleep. And when you wake up, we’ll be here.

Jason: *yawns and lets the darkness overtake him once more, uncertain whether seeing his closest friends all together was just a dream or not, but grateful either way* 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

@wingedskyes​, let’s just say that the 27th of April tends to be a long day for the people who care about him. And it’s only just begun. See: Part 2, Part 3

#Ask #Jason Todd #Roy Harper #Koriand'r #Bizarro #Artemis of Bana-Mighdall

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Hey, just wanted to thank you for the Robins Work At Home. I love how even though Tim and Damian are in the same house, they meet via facetime. XD

Damian: *peeks out of his bedroom door* Damian: *steps out when he sees that the coast is clear...*

Damian: *...only to be stopped by a hand on his chest* -Tt-

Jason: Nope.

Damian: Get your filthy paw off my suit, Todd.

Jason: No can do, boss baby.

Damian: I’m just going to get a glass of water from the kitchen!

Jason: *hands him a tumbler full of water* Here.

Damian: I... I need to go feed Goliath or he’ll tear his enclosure apart!

Jason: *holds up his badly scratched and bloody arm* Already did that.

Damian: -Tt-  

Damian: You’re really committed to this, aren’t you?

Jason: *stands up straight and crosses his arms, towering over Damian* I ain’t the Chief Security Officer for nothin’.

Jason: And, yes, I am committed to keeping you from tearing Tim apart. Granted, that comment he made about your eyebrows during that Zoom Board meeting was a bit -- *sniggers* -- uncalled for, but...

Damian: *points menacingly at Jason* You answer to me, underling!

Jason: And apparently you answer to Goldie. And he very kindly asked me to do my job in exchange for his share of Alfred’s cookies for the next three weeks, so.

Damian: *trudges back into his bedroom and slams the door*

>>> --- <<< 

And this is why Tim and Damian need to FaceTime while living in the same house.

Thanks a lot for dropping by, evolutionnightingale!  :) 

>>> --- <<<

Check out the Robins as Wayne Enterprises employees working from home during quarantine if you want to see what this was all about.

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

The Robins as…

DICK:

Dick: Okay. *takes out a clipboard and a bunch of entrance tickets* Roll call.

Jason: This is dumb. We’re not kids.

Dick: *grins* Hey, we don’t get to do this a lot, so we should do it right. I don’t want anyone getting lost.

Dick: *tosses a walkie-talkie to each of his siblings* Now, do you remember your code names?

He’s also the first one to get lost once they get in because he’s just raring to try every ride he can. But he particularly enjoys those where he feels like he’s freefalling.

Ride Attendant: *deadpan* Sir, I don’t know how you did that, but if you don’t get back behind those safety restraints I’m going to have to ask you to get off this thing.

Dick: *reduces his dislocated shoulder and winks at them before spreading his wings arms and jumping off (much to the attendant’s horror)*

How he gets Bruce to come on these family trips is beyond anyone…

Dick: You promised me, Bruce. We pinky-swore. 

Bruce: *trying to solve a cold case on the Batcomputer* Those things aren’t binding, Dick.

Dick: They are to me.

… Let alone how he gets Bruce to ride the Bumper Cars every time.

Dick: *excitedly tapping the steering wheel with his fingers* Isn’t this fun, Bruce? This time you get to be a rogue, and I get to be Batman chasing you in the Batmobile. 

Bruce: *in the car across from Dick’s, struggling to fit into it and trying to fasten the flimsy seat belt* Hrrrn.

>>> — <<<

JASON:

While his family and their friends race to the most thrilling rides, he usually heads elsewhere by himself. Everyone assumes he’s the daredevil (and they’re right). But, if truth be told, he only comes on these family trips for a different kind of escape: solitude.

Jason: *lights up a cigarette as he takes in the breathtaking view from the top of the Ferris wheel, which had stopped turning*

Damian: *dangling from a spoke cable near Jason’s cabin* Todd.

Jason: *gets startled and drops his cigarette into the abyss* WHA- HOW – DID YOU JUST CLIMB UP THIS THING?

Damian: *jumps into the cabin, sits across from Jason, and dusts himself off*

Jason: Shouldn’t you be down there having fun, kid?

Damian: This place is overrated.

Jason: You’re too young to be this cynical.

Damian: -Tt- What do you know?

Jason: *takes another cigarette from his jacket pocket, lights it up, then takes a drag* I know you think it’s too late for you to have a childhood, but it’s not, alright? Look, Robin’s a great gig and everything – Heck, I loved every second of it until, well… What I’m trying to say is that sometimes we forget that we have a life outside of being Batman’s sidekick.

Damian: *shuffling his feet awkwardly*

Jason: *chuckles* I know all the sweetest rides. Next time we come here, you stick with me, deal?

Damian: *grins* Deal.

Jason and Damian: *enjoy the silence that follows*

>>> — <<<

TIM:

Show-off, that’s what he is. 

Carnival Attendant: *exhausted from re-stacking the milk jugs for the nth time*  

Tim: *handing over the nth stuffed toy he’s won in a row* Here you go. 

The nth child to approach him: *enthusiastic* Thank you, mister!

Carnival Attendant: *wiping sweat off their forehead* Boy, I think it’s time you moved to another booth.

Tim: *sheepishly scratching his head* Oh, um, they’ve all already kind of asked me to do that, so…

He’s not very good at separating work from pleasure.

Dick [on the walkie-talkie]: Timmy? Over. Where are you? Over. Wanna try Lex’s “Drop of Doom” with me –

Tim: *moving at 100 km/hr* Not now, Dick! Over!

Dick: Woah, what’re you on? It sounds like you’re moving really fast. Over.

Tim: Ziplining! Over! Roger! Whatever! Gotta go –

Dick: Wait, what? There’s a zip li– *static*

Tim: *crashes into the criminal he’s been tracking down* GOTCHA!

Let’s just say maybe he’s not the best person to bring to an amusement park (as his ex-girlfriend Zoanne Wilkins would attest to in canon).

Tim: *yawning*

Bruce: *frowning* You have footprints on your face.

Tim: *slaps Bruce’s hand away as the latter attempts to wipe it off* It’s a new look.

Alfred: I trust you enjoyed your nap on the Bouncy Castle, Master Timothy?

Dick: *throws hands up in frustration* I thought we talked about this. No going on patrol at least one day before this trip, remember? 

>>> — <<<

DAMIAN:

Tim: *squatting slightly to be face-to-face with Damian* Do you know what they do to children who can’t reach the height limit for rides, brat? 

Damian: Shut your fat mouth, Drake!

Tim: *grinning mischievously* They don’t let them ride anything but those spinning teacups –

Alfred: Enough, Master Timothy.

Drake and his nonsense, right? Of course he’s tall enough (making him breathe a secret sigh of relief). But maybe, just maybe, those teacups would be better than: 

Damian: *covering his ears and glaring at Dick, who’s been gleefully screaming his head off, for the entire duration of the roller coaster ride*

Dick: *pumping his fists in the air as the ride slows down to a stop* Woohoooo! Wanna do it again, Little D?

Damian: -Tt- *gets up once the restraints are lifted and trudges away*

He doesn’t understand how his siblings are still this exhilarated to be in such a “juvenile” place when they face actual life-and-death situations on an almost-daily basis. Until…

Damian: *tugs on Bruce’s sleeve* Father. I need $200.

Bruce: Son, you don’t have to pay every time you get on a ride –

Damian: No, not for those things! It’s for that. *points at a souvenir shop* And that. *points at a cotton candy cart* And that. *points at a poster of an upcoming musical performance* 

Alfred: *gives Bruce a pointed look*

Bruce: *takes his wallet out* Here, take my card.

Damian: *grabs Alfred’s hand* Let’s go, Pennyworth! We’ve no time to waste!

Bruce: *grins as he watches Damian drag Alfred with him*

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

They’re definitely not your typical theme park-going family, @alias-sunshine . Thanks for this suggestion. The boys needed a break.

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

If the Batboys had entrance music when they entered a battlefield…

DICK’s would be “Death of a Bachelor” by Panic! At the Disco…

JASON’s, “Heathens” by twenty one pilots…

TIM’s, “Basketcase” by Green Day…

And, DAMIAN’s, “The Imperial March” by John Williams.

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

The Robins as...

WAYNE ENTERPRISES EMPLOYEES WORKING FROM HOME DURING QUARANTINE

>>> — <<<

DICK:

As the Human Resources Director, he takes his role of making sure that  employee relations are running smoothly very seriously (much to the utter annoyance - or delight - of other employees).

He insists on holding team building activities remotely (because they “need physical distancing, not social distancing, wink-wink”) and sends everyone themed backgrounds precisely for these occasions. 

Dick: *eavesdropping via comm link*

Dick: *slams his fist on his desk* “That’s it.” 

Dick: *yelling from his room* “Get in here!”

Jason: *yelling from across the hall* “What do you want, Dickwad?”

Tim: *yelling from beside Dick’s room* “Now’s not a good time, Dick, I’m still in a meet–”

Dick: “GET IN HERE. NOW.”

Jason and Tim: *trying to bump the other out of Dick’s doorway as they squeeze in simultaneously*

Dick: “Are you two ever gonna stop being passive-aggressive to each other during these meetings or am I going to have to make you? You’re doing the complete opposite of boosting morale and it’s got to stop. You see that two-person sweater over there –” 

Damian: *cackling from the room beside Jason’s* 

Dick: *yelling* “I don’t care what your position in this company is, Little D! You better get in here, too!”

Damian: “-Tt-”

>>> — <<<

JASON:

As the Chief Security Officer, sure, he’d wear a suit and a tie for that online meeting with top management. 

But he’d also get up in the middle of it to grab a can of beer, unashamedly showing off the bottom half of his getup (much to the utter horror - or delight - of whomever’s watching it happen).  

Dinner at the Wayne Manor…

Bruce: “Hn. Jason, you could have at least put on some pants.”

Jason: *burps loudly* “What? It was just Tim.”

Tim: *stops cutting his steak and points his fork at Jason* “AND TEN OTHER PEOPLE, DUDE. Not to mention Lex Luthor!”

Jason: *scoffs* “Whatever, dude. It wasn’t like you were wearing any pants. You sleep in the room across from mine, remember?”

Tim: “But at least I had some decent shorts on! You were in your freakin’ Batman underwear!”

Jason: “Yeah! My decent one!”

Bruce: *rubs his temples and loses his appetite* “Hrrrrn.”

>>> — <<<

TIM:

As the Chief Executive Officer, he can listen to a report about the largest Dow point drop in history without flinching.  

What can’t he stand? Internet connectivity issues.

Lucius Fox: “– and at 9:30 this morning, Stagg Enterprises, one of our bigge-” *pixelation and audio distortion* “-titors, has expressed their interest in investing in –” *freeze frame*  

Tim: *gritting his teeth* “In what, Lucius?”

Lucius Fox: *little white dots going around in a circle*

Tim: *tightening his grip on his comforter, short of ripping it to shreds*

IT specialist: *comes into view* “Mr. Drake, I apologize for that. Let me –”

Tim: *takes his fifth espresso shot for the day* “I’ll do it.”

IT specialist: “– fix it. See, all it takes is just few clicks and – Pardon?”

Tim: *disables the IT specialist’s access and starts hacking into the company’s mainframe computer from his bedroom* “I’ll. Do. It.” 

>>> — <<<

DAMIAN:

As a member of the Board of Directors, no one can tell him what to do (unless of course that person’s name is Richard Grayson, HR Director). 

While he has the acumen of a corporate veteran, his youth becomes evident every time he tries out the latest camera filters (with a serious face) while those who answer to him try their darndest not to laugh. One of them in particular, though, isn’t at all amused.

Tim: “So, Damian, what do you think? This merger with Ferris Aircraft might be to our advanta–”

Damian: “Tut-tut! That’s Mr. Wayne to you, Timothy. Hold on. Let me ask my trusted advisor.”

Damian: *lifts his cat, puts it on his lap, then adjusts the camera to focus on it* “What do you think, Mr. Alfred? Is it a good idea? Or are you just a good boy? Why, yes, you are!” 

Tim: *deadpan*

Damian: “Drake, if you are once again pretending to be ‘buffering’, let this be a fair warning –”

Tim:  *little white dots going around in a circle*

Damian: “-Tt-”

>>> — <<< 

Just a follow-up to my old post.

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

Hey, just wanted to thank you for the Robins Work At Home. I love how even though Tim and Damian are in the same house, they meet via facetime. XD

Damian: *peeks out of his bedroom door* Damian: *steps out when he sees that the coast is clear...*

Damian: *...only to be stopped by a hand on his chest* -Tt-

Jason: Nope.

Damian: Get your filthy paw off my suit, Todd.

Jason: No can do, boss baby.

Damian: I’m just going to get a glass of water from the kitchen!

Jason: *hands him a tumbler full of water* Here.

Damian: I... I need to go feed Goliath or he’ll tear his enclosure apart!

Jason: *holds up his badly scratched and bloody arm* Already did that.

Damian: -Tt-  

Damian: You’re really committed to this, aren’t you?

Jason: *stands up straight and crosses his arms, towering over Damian* I ain’t the Chief Security Officer for nothin’.

Jason: And, yes, I am committed to keeping you from tearing Tim apart. Granted, that comment he made about your eyebrows during that Zoom Board meeting was a bit -- *sniggers* -- uncalled for, but...

Damian: *points menacingly at Jason* You answer to me, underling!

Jason: And apparently you answer to Goldie. And he very kindly asked me to do my job in exchange for his share of Alfred’s cookies for the next three weeks, so.

Damian: *trudges back into his bedroom and slams the door*

>>> --- <<< 

And this is why Tim and Damian need to FaceTime while living in the same house.

Thanks a lot for dropping by, evolutionnightingale!  :) 

>>> --- <<<

Check out the Robins as Wayne Enterprises employees working from home during quarantine if you want to see what this was all about.

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

The Robins as…

DICK:

If truth be told, he’s not that fond of being in the driver’s seat on these trips. After all, he’s usually the one who initiates them, and being at the wheel robs him of some bonding time with his siblings while in transit.

Tim: “Now, Simon says, try to reach the little toe of your left foot with the little finger of your right hand from the back –” 

Dick: *starts to do as Tim says*

BatRV: *swerves dangerously close to a cliff*

Jason: “Uh, you’re NOT PART OF THE GAME, DICKWAD!”

Dick: *regains control of the vehicle* “Whoops, sorry!”

Dick: *smirks* “You just don’t want me to win.”

Damian: “One of these days we’re leaving you at home, Grayson.”

His taste in music… Okay, it’s not that bad. Once in a while it’s even really good. But what drives everyone else restless is that his playlists are on repeat.

Damian: *in the passenger seat, reaching out for the console*

Dick: *wiggles his finger at Damian* “Uh uh uuuuh! You know the consequence of touching that dial.”

Damian: *retracts his hand and sulks* “-Tt- I’m not interested in your hour-long hugs.”

Dick: “Okay, that’s a teeny bit hurtful, Little D. But, guys, this stuff helps me stay awake. And since you’re not letting me join any of your games…”

Jason: *grabbing fistfuls of his own hair* “I swear, Goldie, one more ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ and I’m leavin’ this loco –”

Tim: *grabbing his backpack and his Bathoverboard* “Want me to come with you?”

Dick: *activates the Child Lock* “This is why you bring that hoverboard?”

>>>—<<<

JASON:

He might as well have coined the phrase “pedal to the metal” because when he’s at the wheel, you can expect the travel time to be cut by at least half (when it’s done properly, that is).

Dick: *sheepishly waving at the horrified cashier lady as he whispers to Jason* “When I said ‘Let’s drive-through’, this wasn’t what I meant, Jay…”

Damian: *shaking his head at what’s left of the wall at the Batburger drive-through lane* “Todd, remind me to thank you for delaying our vacation for at least another hour and a half.”

Jason: *revving up the engine* “Then maybe next time we don’t take the Batmonster truck when it’s my turn to drive, huh?”

Tim: *returns to the truck after speaking with the manager and grabs a checkbook from his backpack* “I hope Bruce likes owning a fast food chain.”

As much as he’s in a hurry when he’s driving to their destination, he sure takes his sweet time on the way back home. By then, everyone else is already worn out from all the fun they’ve had and he welcomes the peace that comes with it.

Dick: *in the backseat, snoring lightly*

Tim: *in the passenger seat, mumbling in his sleep*

Jason: *grins as he secretly admits to himself that trips like this were worth it, right before he notices the bloody roadkill in their path, which induces a flashback of – *

Jason: *hits the brakes suddenly, causing the truck to jerk forward*

Dick: *shifts positions, then resumes snoring*

Tim: *wipes slobber off his face, then remains unconscious* 

Damian: “Todd.”

Jason: *breathing heavily* “Damian? You’re up?”

Damian: “I haven’t slept.”

Jason: “Well, it’s still a long way out, little buddy. Go to sleep.”

Damian: “Perhaps… you could use the company.”

Jason: “… Okay.”

Damian: “Okay.”

>>>—<<<

TIM:

Backseat driver. Literally.

Jason: *staring at the self-steering wheel in front of him, frowning* “So… What am I supposed to do here, Timbo?”

Tim: *reclining the backseat until his legs are up, then puts his hands behind his head as he relaxes into it* “Nothing. That’s the beauty of it.”

Dick: *shaking his head, amused* “You’re no fun.”

Tim: *sips coffee from his guzzler helmet* “Oh, yeah? Activate ‘Mask of Zorro’ protocol. Code 1940.”

Windshield: *morphs into a projection screen and starts playing a movie* 

Damian: “Perhaps you’re not totally useless after all, Drake.”

He doesn’t “text and drive”. Oh, goodness, no… That’d be too easy. (Also, his concept of a “vacation” is a bit muddled.)

Tim [speaking into the Bluetooth headset]: “No, Lucius, I totally get that, but if LexCorp stock were to plummet –” *rattles on in corporate jargon as he navigates through a myriad of encrypted folders on his laptop (which is expertly balanced on the dashboard) with one hand and steers the BatSUV with the other*

Damian: *in the passenger seat, gesturing to Tim* “Pennyworth repeatedly brings up that one time I read an urgent text message from Superboy while driving and he gets away with this behavior?”

Dick: “First of all, technically, you shouldn’t even be driving yet. And, secondly, trust me, Tim’s gonna have his day in court with Alfred.”

Tim: “Hack into it? You’re asking me if I can hack into Luthor’s system?” *turns on his hologram projector, which instantly generates a virtual map of the entire LexCorp database* “Do robins fly –” *pauses, then nods his head slowly and shuts off the projector* “Oh… You’re telling me I shouldn’t do that. Got it.”

Jason: *grabs a handful of popcorn from a bowl before passing it to Dick, who’s in the backseat with him* “Why doesn’t he just activate that autopilot crap again?” 

Dick: *shrugs* “Boy Wonder loves a challenge.”

>>>—<<< 

DAMIAN: 

Sure, he drives. But only when they’ve gotten at least fifty miles away from Bruce and Alfred and have ensured that all tracking devices have been disabled (at least to the best of their knowledge).

Damian: *frantically searching the Batcampervan while they’re parked at an abandoned gas station in the middle of nowhere* “Where are those boots –” *looks up to see Jason holding them above his head* “Todd, you piece of $#^% –”

Dick: “Hey. Language.”

Damian: “You’d rather I break Todd’s bones, Grayson?”

Jason: *smirks* “Say you’re the mediocre Robin and I’ll give them back.”

Tim: *sniggers* “Oh, what’s the matter, tiny bird? Can’t reach the pedals without them?”

Damian: *clenching his fists* “When I’m through with the both of you, you’ll have those pedals jammed down your –”

Dick: *checks his watch and sighs* “That’s enough, guys. Let Damian drive. It’s his turn. And we’re running late.”

And since he also inherited his father’s “drama queen gene"…

Tim: *staring at the clouds through a window in the Batjet* “What part of road trip didn’t you get, brat?”

Damian: “You’re free to jump off at any time, Drake. I’ll even open the hatch for you.”

Dick: “Bruce is gonna pop a vein when he finds out this thing’s missing from the Batcave, but I have to say… Not bad, Little D.”

Tim: *rolls his eyes* “Because you wanna jump.”

Dick: *smirks as he adjusts his jumpsuit and puts on goggles* “Because I wanna jump.”

Jason: *strapping on a parachute* “Man, I don’t remember the last time we did this just for fun, and not for ‘justice’ or whatever. Now, open that hatch, baby!”

Damian: *with smug grin on his face* “Say I’m the excellent Robin and I’ll open it.”

>>>—<<<

Hey, @nocanonhere​, I’m sorry it took a while for me to answer this Ask. It was honestly a fun suggestion. Thank  you!

P.S. While it did occur to me to feature other Batfamily members (since I love the idea of them being on family trips), my sleep-deprived brain cells only had enough energy to focus on these four. I’m hoping to expound on this idea someday soon, though.

[incorrect-batfamily-quotes]

An Incorrect Batfamily Portrait

Dick: “So Jason made a tasteless joke in front of your great aunt. He can pay for it later. Will you relax, Bruce?” 

Inspired by: