littledvmbass

[littledvmbass]

[littledvmbass]

My father has this uncanny ability to make me feel unwanted more than anyone else. When I moved in with him instead of my grandmother, when he convinced her he could handle my suicidal ideation better than she could, he said during the resulting meltdown that I had just found out my grandmother didn't want me anymore. I was 14. Maybe 3 years later, he tells me that he had only wanted a boy. He only had me because my mom wanted a girl AND a boy.

Now, at 23, he has never said that he wanted me. I've told him that I feel unwanted by him, but it's never acknowledged, let alone argued. I don't know how to cope with the knowledge that he'd let me believe the only parental figure in my life to want me is dead.

How am I supposed to deal with that?

#tw vent #diary #spilled thoughts #thinking out loud #mine #tw trauma #my words #tw abuse #tw parents #tw death #tw dead mention #tw neglect

[littledvmbass]

"You ok?"

"Gonna cry actually! Thanks for asking!"

[littledvmbass]

lines by the amazing devil which make me believe in the absolute certainty and inevitability of love and devotion and that someone out there, some day, will make me feel as safe and secure and as loved as these lines do

you're the thigh high hemline i just can't stop staring at

burying her head into his chest and clinging to the moment "where have you been?" she'll whisper, "i've waited oh so long for you to come"

inundated with the fated thought of you

and now, even though you're mad, and these memories won't stay, that's okay, 'cause now i get to meet you for the first time every single day

run from all you know that's coming, run to show that love's worth running to

if i don't make it back from where i've gone just know i loved you all along

but your smile tells me i'm safe, and that voice unspoken's heard

[littledvmbass]

hey. it’s ok to miss them. they were a big part of your life, and you had some good times. times when you were happy. it’s ok to miss that, to miss the good things, the fun things. knowing you deserve better doesn’t mean you’re not going to miss them. It’s ok. what’s not ok is how they treated you. remember that.

[littledvmbass]

I just want to say that recovery is not linear and sometimes we feel like we are not making progress. Sometimes we slip into old patterns, sometimes we forget how to cope, or we can't. And I surely want to say that it's hard, very hard. There are days where I don't like myself, where I hate how much I am ill. Some days I wonder why do I even try.

But I am not just those days. I am also the days where I shine.

[littledvmbass]

Things I Should Probably Tell My Therapist:

October is right around the corner, and I'm terrified. I'm finally on medicine for my anxiety and mental state, but even still, I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

I know healing doesn't have a time-line. I'll be the first to tell anyone else that. But, I see that it's been an entire decade since my assault and tell myself to get over it. Sometimes, it feels like the fear is getting better, but then someone touches me and I feel like screaming.

I don't tell my husband or friends, but I can still feel His arm around me if I think too much. I get scared that He's going to show up at my work, but I live in an entirely different state now. I still see Him in the faces of strangers. I still claw at where He wiped His hand when He was finished with me. I feel Him kiss me and tell me that I taste sweet.

I only eat sour candy now.

But I still think I'm trying to heal. I'm getting a tattoo at the end of October to cover the scar I gave myself, to cover where He touched me. I listen to music we both liked, and remind myself that I liked it before I knew He existed.

More than anything, I wish I could sit and give 13 year-old me a hug and tell them that it will be okay. He won't touch them again. The nightmares go away. Movie theaters are still difficult to be in, but that's okay. They're only a few short years away from finding their best friend.

I wish I could tell myself that I make it through the trauma.

I'm trying to imagine an older version of myself that will tell me the same thing.

#tw vent #my words #diary #my writing #spilled thoughts #thinking out loud #mine #tw trauma #tw therapy #tw sh related #tw sa vent #tw sa implied #tw abuse

[littledvmbass]

“And if you call me at 4 am, too sad to even say hello, I will listen to your silence until you fall asleep.”

— Unknown

[littledvmbass]

“I love that word. Forever. I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It’s beautiful and doomed.”

— Viv Albertine

[littledvmbass]

“The sun will rise, and we will try again.”

— twenty one pilots / Truce

[littledvmbass]

“Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.”

— Kate Jacobs; Comfort Food

[littledvmbass]

Are you hungry? Food is my love language. I don't let people go hungry. Food is my love language. You need to eat well. I'm not going to let you not eat well. I made you this. Don't be hungry.

I don't do this because I am nice. I am furious. I am enacting with every loaf of bread and chicken breast an act of terrible, irrevocable violence against the state. When I feed people I am throwing a brick at a cop at Stonewall, I am refusing to allow a system of cruelty to keep those around me hungry. I do this because the only way people will know that they're allowed to eat when they're hungry is if they're fed when they're hungry.

I love you. Have this half of my orange. Take a handful of chips. I made too much bread. I love you. I love you recklessly and relentlessly and without reason. I love you violently and unrepentantly, have this apple. I love you and therefore I must hate what makes you hungry.

I love you, and therefore, I must hate what makes you hungry.

Food is my love language. I won't let people go hungry.

[littledvmbass]

One of the most upsetting things about working in a pharmacy is how much stigma there is when it comes to patients with chronic pain. Even at my own store, we have a pharmacist that is so quick to label individuals on narcotics as simply addicts. While some patients may be addicted to their pain medications, there’s so much more to it. Chronic pain and trying to get it treated is a nightmare that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. 

Maybe I just have too much empathy from working at a treatment center, but at the same time, most of the pharmacy workers could do with some more empathy. While they’re so quick to judge patients on Suboxone for being addicts, just because they’re “grumpy”, they completely overlook that in order to receive those prescriptions, they have to be compliant with their treatment plan at their clinic. 

I hate referring to narcotics by their name to patients. The verbal affirmation of calling it their pain medication is how I combat the stigma in my own mind. They’re in pain. Severe pain, and this is how they’re treating it. It’s understandable when they get upset over it, even though I wish they wouldn’t take it out on us. I’m in pain daily, and while it’s not to that extent, I have the bad habit of being quick to temper.

They’re in pain, and it’s their medicine to treat it.

There’s no stigma for antibiotics. They’re sick. You give them their medication. Keep the same mindset.

#pharmacy #pharmacy technician #retail pharmacy #vent post #addiction #end the stigma #tw addiction #tw vent #tw narcotic mention #medication assisted treatment

[littledvmbass]

Things I Should Probably Tell My Therapist:

I’m so tired. I’m tired of swollen joints and being unable to walk without pain, of being slow to move because my body hurts. It’s my manager’s biggest complaint about me at work. I’m not fast like a good technician should be.

I’m tired of the stiffness in my fingers, of the aches in my shoulders, of the buckling of my knee. I’m tired of falling. I’m tired of needing help up and down stairs. I’m only 23. I was supposed to be having fun. 

I’m so tired of being in pain.

Before we were sure of what was going on with my body, I once told my husband that I hoped it was something that would kill me quickly so I could stop hurting.

Instead, I’m going to be in pain for the rest of my life. It can be managed to where it’s more of an annoyance than crippling, but there’s no cure-all.

I’m tired, and I know there’s nothing I can do to just, fix everything.

God, I wish I could fix it all.

#mine #thinking out loud #vent post #vent blog #tw vent #tw sui implied #therapist #tw therapy #tw sewerslide #chronic pain #chronic illness #tw chronic pain #tw chronic illness #fibrosucks

[littledvmbass]

Things I Should Probably Tell My Therapist:

I hate who I am when I drink, but I think that's the most realistic version of myself that I know.

I tell my friends I love them, tell those who've wronged me I forgive them, and I tell old friends that I miss them.

At the same time, though, I make bad choices.

I listen to music that makes me sad. I look up my abusers to see their face and remind myself that they were real, that my trauma happened, then force myself to relive those memories all over again.

I convince myself that friends I want to reach out to are better off without me. I don't ask my spouse for the comfort I know he would happily give, nor do I confide in my friends when I know they'd listen.

I just sit and wonder if I'll always feel this lonely even when I know I have people that love me.

I don't know how long I can deal with this.

I shouldn't drink alone anymore.

#mine #thinking out loud #diary #my words #my writing #spilled thoughts #tw alchohol mention #tw depressive #tw vent #tw trauma #tw therapy #tw self sabotage #tw self destructive behavior

[littledvmbass]

“We are in each other’s life for a reason. Thank you for showing up.”

— Unknown

[littledvmbass]

“So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.”

— Meredith Grey