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Big angry rant ahead.

Medical stuff, family stuff.

My doctor is starting to dismiss me and not take me seriously. She is missing something and I know it. I'm having sudden neurological symptoms, breathing problems, and signs of infection, but she is not in any rush to figure things out.... It feels like she has already run out of ideas and is giving up after some blood tests and an xray.

I was exposed to mouse droppings so I let her know, and she told me there is "not a way to test for these other exposures." The CDC website says there are ways to test for hantavirus/lepto/lymphocytic choriomeningitis, which all fit my symptoms and location, and can be very serious. I can't stand up for myself, I can't question her, because I know believe if I get on a doctor's bad side they will become even more dismissive and I'm frankly more likely to die of medical negligence or malpractice.

So then later I was crying and practically begging my dad for help regarding what to do next, and my dad kinda shrugged at me, stared at me blankly and repeated "I don't know, I'm not a doctor", and took on a frustrated tone with me as I was barely holding myself together and mansplained infection transmission to me, told me I'd "have to be exposed to urine or something" (no fucking shit, Sherlock). I finally snapped and said, "are you listening to me? I'm not asking you to be a doctor. I'm not stupid, don't treat me like I'm stupid". So he then yelled at me for "jumping down [his] throat just because [he] said something obvious," and told me he was refusing to speak about it anymore while I continued to cry due to my previous medical PTSD, fever, pain, and fear for my life from this illness.

Fucking awesome. Why can't my father be an adult and a parent for once in his life? Why can't he be there for me when things are difficult? Why do I have to take care of his feelings over mine all the time? Why can't he show me some fucking compassion? And why did my mother defend him and basically excuse his behavior as cluelessness? Why why why

#infection prevention was literally one of the primary purposes of my job for years 🤪 #like fuck off #and he wont help me or comfort me #i avoid crying in front of him like the plague becayse i know it makes him uncomfortable 🙄 #it happens like once every 3-10 years #i dont even remember the ladt time my dad hugged me lmao he's a fucking prick #im so done #tw rant #tw swearing #tw medical #tw illness #tw doctors #tw daddy issues #tw medical trauma

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Family rant:

My mom drove me to the ER since I was having neuro symptoms, and omg she is the fucking worst person to have with you in the hospital. She had to make a snarky comment about literally everything that pissed her off even slightly, which included:

The TVs in the waiting room were showing a hockey game and hockey is violent (she complained about this three separate times).

I pointed out the decorative metal fish sculptures that were hanging in the lobby. She complained that they "weren't cute", were too realistic, and therefore kids wouldn't like them.

At one point -- when no one was waiting to be traiged -- a couple of triage nurses were BRIEFLY chatting and laughing amongst themselves in one of the booths. My mom thought it was disrespectful for them to sound so happy near sick people.

We hadn't been there very long when she started muttering something like, "with all the money this hospital spends, they can't fix this ER?" I'm not actually sure what specifically inspired her to say that at that moment.

Someone came in limping and the receptionist didn't get them a wheelchair, so my mom muttered, "at least get [them] a wheelchair for christ's sake." We were not close enough to hear whether or not the receptionist offered them a wheelchair and it is possible they refused one.

I guess my mom thought it was "barbaric treatment" that someone had to wait in the waiting room while puking (the ER was very busy then)

The staff didn't immediately take ME back (even though I was stable, they had triaged me, and the ER was very busy then)

At one point several people in the waiting room were obviously high. They weren't violent, rude, or anything; they were just acting a bit obnoxious. My mom kept rolling her eyes and saying things like, "it feels like the damn Twilight Zone in here" while they were right next to us 😀

A nurse accidentally dropped another patient's phone and the case broke. The patient was not upset. My mom decided it was her duty to be upset on behalf of the patient.

The receptionist was looking at her cell phone while there were NO PATIENTS WAITING TO BE CHECKED IN. My mom said, "there's no way there's nothing else she could be doing.... I'd lose my mind..."

We walked through the hospital to get to the pharmacy at MIDNIGHT and one of the information desks (not the front desk) wasn't staffed.

We passed a couple of staff members while we were walking through the hospital and they said "good morning" even though it was midnight. I guess she doesn't like when people are "technically correct"

Security had to escort someone out of the building who was clearly having a mental health episode; they were shouting and swearing at the security officer to get away from them. My mother had to say, "why are some people so rotten?" before they were even out of earshot, and then when they knocked something over my mom literally shouted "Jesus Christ!" Ok, not only were her comments unnecessary and ignorant, but it's also fucking dangerous to talk shit about someone who is RAGING, VIOLENT, AND CAN HEAR YOU!

She will also crane her neck to stare at anyone anytime ANYTHING happens; every time a staff member came to talk to another patient in the waiting room, or every time people moved or spoke amongst themselves, she would stare unabashedly the whole time.

Like at one point a doctor came over to another patient in the waiting room and asked the patient to come back with him so they could chat privately. The patient didn't want to get up, and was trying to have the conversation right there. Of course, my mom was staring HARD, the doctor noticed and kept glancing at my mom and kept urging the patient to move to a private location; finally the patient got up to go with him and the doctor was loudly like, "I don't like to ask patients questions in front of all these other people..." while glancing back at my mom. We were almost the only other people in the waiting room at that point lmao

Then when the doctor was finished talking to that patient, the patient came back to the waiting room swearing and muttering under their breath, and my mom -- once again -- was craning her neck to stare at them. After a while, I finally whispered "don't stare", because I know some people get even angrier when they realize they're being gawked at and, once again, I didn't want us to become a fucking target!!!

Like god damn why is she like this???!?! Why can she not keep her mouth shut??! I swear she is going to get herself hurt someday.

I kept asking her if she wanted to wait in the car and she got mad at me lol

#tw narcissistic parent #tw swearing #tw hospital #tw medical #rant #vent

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I still have not gotten over the man I talked to for all of three weeks and blocked three days ago 😀 idk I think I was in love with him even though he was kinda shitty to me and I'm pretty sure that was my last chance at "love" and I'm gonna die alone /hj

~~

I'm SO physically sick still I went to the ER Monday night but they found almost nothing and sent me home after some fluids. I have another PCP appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I can actually advocate for myself because I am deeply concerned lol but I'm also so scared of doctors my brain ✈️ leaves the building as soon as they talk to me and I forget how to speak.

My face hasn't looked like my face in days. I look like a sickly puppet; a stranger. My leg is numb. I can't breathe, I can't think straight. I've had a headache and a low fever for a week. My heart feels wrong. I'm so tired. I need them to believe me (but it's my fault if they don't...).

Sometimes I'll even write my symptoms down ahead of time but then chicken out of showing them at the last minute and I don't even know why. My will to live is weaker than my fear of confrontation.

#bpd #mental illness #vent #relationships #splitting #tw medical #tw illness #tw sickness

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does anyone else split on their psychiatrist/therapist or is it just me

like I go from "wow he understands me and he's actually trying to help me!" to "he doesn't give a single shit and he'd be happier if I died just so he wouldn't have to see me again"

#bpd #bpd splitting #mental illness

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when u really wanted to cancel your therapy session today but u decided to be good but then your therapist cancels instead 😌🙏

#ive been blessed #bpd #mental illness #therapy #social anxiety

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someone talk me out of blocking him

or talk me into it

I just need to pick one!!!

#bpd #relationships #bpd splitting #just moving stuff to this blog.... #mine

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My PTSD from lots of medical emergencies and medical neglect is being triggered by a current fever, malaise, vomiting, etc

The nurse practitioner I saw about it on Wednesday didn't find anything but gave an antibiotic "empirically"

The antibiotic has a warning about long QT syndrome... which I have

I took the antibiotic anyway because a lot of meds have that warning, and my electrophysiologist says meds have to be a risk-benefit analysis sometimes, and I've taken a lot of "risky" meds before, so whatever

But THEN after a couple doses of the abx I had an awful heart palpitation that lasted for several beats

So now I don't know if I should be more afraid of the likely infection or my heart....... An infection usually gives more time to get to the hospital before it gets deadly but at least the arrhythmia would kill me quickly and painlessly lol

Bro I just wanna be normal bro

#ptsd #medical trauma #just moving stuff to this blog.... #mine

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every time I bring up my intense rage and irritability to my psychiatrist he'll say some Freudian shit about repressed anger and depression, and tell me I need to find a way to let the anger out, and then I'm like "but how?" and he'll be like "have u talked to your therapist about it?"

"Yes I have" and obviously she couldn't help or I wouldn't be coming to you about it jfc

"Good. Here's some more antidepressants. See you in a month."

I don't know why I keep trying.

#mine #bpd #just moving stuff to this blog.... #antidepressants #psychiatry

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Eli [she/her]

Main: @ambiend

[18+] I will try to trigger tag where appropriate but please proceed with caution. There will be mentions of hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, psychiatric medication, substance abuse, SI, SH, body dysmorphia, agoraphobia, rage, intrusive thoughts, medical trauma, childhood trauma, and toxic relationships. Pro-recovery.

I'm not new to Tumblr but I'm back from a 5-10 year hiatus and decided to start fresh.

I have depression, social anxiety, PTSD, and BPD. I also have a learning disorder and am a recovering alcoholic. This will mostly be a vent blog. Feel free to reach out for any reason. 💚

#pinned post #mental illness #bpd #rant #vent #intro post #trauma #personal