superpeanutgarden

[superpeanutgarden]

I accidentally clicked the wrong option and now I have to reblog this....

For science....

I'm so normal

before the poll, a quick definition of terms:

"mutual" - you found this post from a mutual (on their blog or your dash) "following" - you found this post from someone you're following, but who isn't following you "random" - you found this by scrolling through someone's blog, who you don't follow. this includes people following you "For You" - you found this on the For You page "recommended" - you found this in a "Check out these blogs" popup, or a "recommended" post when looking at a different post "other" - you found this post some other way. comment how? "reblog ✅" - you're going to reblog, queue, or schedule this post "reblog ❌" - you're NOT going to reblog, queue, or schedule this post

with that out of the way:

[superpeanutgarden]

It was Fairy Tail. I was pulling a late night sewing my costume for VBS (I was a cast member) and I finally had time to check out this one show on Netflix that i was curious about. I loved it from the first moments and I've been a fan ever since.

[superpeanutgarden]

Hope posting

I think I've turned the corner for the year. I was actually able to turn an assignment in on time, and the stuff that is late doesn't look so daunting now that I've actually looked at it all. I think I can do this.

#you dont know me #but i know you #the sun is back and I feel alive again

[superpeanutgarden]

I just want to update that I did *not* actually end up falling in love with this guy. He's monogamous and I'm super not, so we both agree that it wouldn't work out long term.

And besides, it was more of a hyperfixation than a love, after all. He's still a 10/10 cuddlebuddy tho

I've got time to kill, so I'm going to think about the way making out with this one friend of mine has utterly rewired my brain.

My girlfriend asked me months ago if I was going to fall in love with him and i said "no", and I stand by that.... but I am painfully aware of the clown shoes in the corner

[superpeanutgarden]

Yall, I was updating my OF in class and my Professor walked up behind me and I don't think he saw but HOLY SHIT

#That was close #nearly had a heart attack #onlyf@nz #which i have #Theres only one subscriber but like #a win is a win i guess

[superpeanutgarden]

Update on that one guy

so like?????

The reason that everyone thinks we're together isnt *just* because I'm all over him all the time.

This is a relief, I'm glad that it isnt just me being twitterpated or whatever. I'm also glad that I'm not imagining the fact that he likes me

I mean, I spent the night with him this weekend😏😏 so it's very clear that he likes me. It isn't romantic, but it doesn't have to be. Like, obviously it would be nice if he was in love with me also. BUT, I am super aware that my emotions are overly intense and I don't need perfect reciprocation. I just want to experience him, ya know??

(I got to experience him, and holy hell. We slow danced briefly in his kitchen and I kissed him desperately- greedily- and we fell asleep entwined with each other)

I just need to tell him that what he feels is enough. I don't want more.

I also ship him with one of our other friends. They look super cute together and I just think it would be neat, ya know??

#relax i'm poly #words words words #you dont know me #but i know you #long post #I'm 85% sure this is what romantic love feels like #edit: NOPE #IT'S JUST A HYPERFIXATION #saved for posterity #clown behavior

[superpeanutgarden]

Healing isn't linear

emotional dysregulation is a bitch. Being so stressed out that you can't function doesnt go away in a single weekend. I wish it did. It would be super nice to be able to function right now. However, I have to rest right now. I'm recovering from a particularly stressful weekend, and hopefully I'll be able to function better tomorrow.

Honestly, if I can wash some dishes so my partners have at least one side of their sink clean, I will consider today successful

#recovery #healing journey #self care #Being gentle is difficult #But I'm willing to put in that work

[superpeanutgarden]

Trauma Posting

I've always said that ADHD is ruining my life, when comparing my mental illnesses. Autism makes me strange to the ordinary observer (and affects my day to day functioning in noticeable ways), Depression makes my room messy (executive dysfunction is a right bastard), but ADHD is what's ruining my life.

And it is, kinda. Really what's making things difficult is the high cost of living, the lack of social support, and the way that I cannot afford to live on my own while working full time. Not to mention that my silly little brain is not suited to 40 hour work weeks, and all the jobs that I might be able to stand are gatekept to hell and back.

I'm back with my parents, and they're a little better than they were the first time I moved out, but not by much. They're both still highly traumatized people, both with poor emotional regulation skills (despite teaching me and my siblings those same fucking skills). It's subtle and insidious, and I'm so fucking stressed all the time. Cause it's not like they're yelling all the time, or spewing hateful rhetoric at all hours. Most of the time, they're chill Gen X parents with a fun sense of humor and a strong Christian faith. If you aren't careful (and oh how much it hurts to be careful), the bigotry will sneak up on you. The big emotions will startle you, the fatphobia and the snide comments and everything else. If you relax into who they usually are, you'll get knocked on your ass when their damaged edges show.

I can't relax here. I can't fully be myself here. I can't talk about my partners, or my beliefs. I can't even correctly refer to my sibling because they aren't out to our parents. The safest options are to stay in my room or to stay out of the house.

Which brings me to the ADHD ruining my life thing. I guess it feels so trivial after processing all of that, but I've been spending a LOT of money on things which don't feel all that important. (granted, spending money on anything feels the same kind of awful, so it's hard to differentiate). The 100$ I've spent on groceries in the last week was important and I'm glad I spent it. the 150$ I spent on two skirts?? Not so much right now.

Especially because my car is in the shop with transmission issues. If things don't go well, I might need to get a new one and I want to have enough money to spare that I won't need to take out a loan again. (I don't have a steady stream of income, I can't afford it right now)

I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck...

(I'm not stuck forever, I know i'm not. I just need a little more help than usual, that's all.)

#you dont know me #but i know you #long post #sad thoughts #mental illness #mama trauma #the economy is in shambles #money problems #are the worst problems

[superpeanutgarden]

Listen, this state has some very lovely people living in it.

AND

I hate most of the people running it

[superpeanutgarden]

About that one guy

I need y'all to know that I have written so much poetry about this man. More than I've written about any of my partners (six poems so far. Two have been just about missing him). Courting this guy has been like befriending a particularly shy cat, but I'm making progress, lol. We held hands on the way up to the parking lot last weekend and I'm still over the moon about it, lmao. This is the lookout from a few posts ago, it's all the same fucking guy. And I know what it looks like. I was just as head over heels for the trumpet player except it's different this time, i swear! I've been entertaining these feelings for the lookout for the entire year I've known him (an example of instant attraction, for the first time since high school). Meanwhile, the intense feelings for the trumpet player have already subsided into something more appropriate for a "friends with benefits" situation. (He's my friend, but he isn't *MINE* )(put a pin in that, I'll try to explain later)

I just... It feels strange to be *in love* with someone other than the people I'm dating. Obviously, I love my partners as deeply and fiercely as I know how to. But this feels so different, like how the moon is different from the ocean. Both tied together, both deep and ephemeral, but wildly apart.

The connection feels so delicate. I know it isn't. I said that I loved him on our first (and only) date. I clarified that it was more of a platonic love, but STILL!!! I told him I loved him last month!! I told him to assume that I want to kiss him at every moment of the day. I am so transparently infatuated and this guy knows it and he still seems to like me so I guess the Autism Rizz is working well for me. Plus, it's not like we're starting from scratch all over again. He's been super flirty with me, walking me to my car after workshops are over. He teases me in that fun way where I threaten great violence upon him except I'm smiling too much to be serious.

God, if only I could bottle his laugh.

#you dont know me #but i know you #words words words #polyamory #romantic thoughts #jeez how am I supposed to cope with this? #like #it's nice and all #but nobody tells you how to handle being in love #actually autistic #autism #Being in love while autistic is WEIRD #Nobody uses enough words to describe it #No wonder i've been confused all this time

[superpeanutgarden]

Dad thoughts

How do you watch The Matrix, Dune, Star Wars, X-Men, and Lord of The Rings and still end up being so bigoted?????

I used to look up to my dad. Really, I did. But it is so hard to respect him when his views deem my dearest friends to be monsters. Even more so when reading comprehension does not seem to be amongst his skills. Everything we watched together taught me to be kind and loving and empathetic to others, yet here he is being cold and heartless and small-minded.

I'm so tired. I'm so TIRED. Living with your parents again is utter hell

#you dont know me #but i know you

[superpeanutgarden]

A pin from an earlier post

So remember how I said that I was Aromantic/Asexual probably???

See, the probably is on account of I am deeply madly in love with this one guy in a way that I've never experienced before. It's almost to the point where I think that I want to want him more than I want to actually have him, but then again... I don't know if there's a way to every fully have him, so maybe it doesn't have to be one thing or another. Maybe I was destined to be madly in love with a sailor who leaves me for long periods of time, and when we meet up again we regale each other with the stories of all the hot bitches we kissed while we were apart and it's gay and polyamorous and happy and maybe I am allowed this one thing. (that's mostly a metaphor, don't worry about it)

#words words words #you dont know me #but i know you

[superpeanutgarden]

It's too early to give up on classes. It's too early in the semester to give up on my classes. It's too damn early to give up on this class. If I give up on this class I won't be able to see my tablemates and they're really cool. I gotta keep going

(So, I think the depression is getting worse. I think it's just the time of year maybe? I hope so.)

#you dont know me #but i know you #seasonal depressive disorder #tw depressing stuff #fucking hell #i'm so tired

[superpeanutgarden]

Even the shittiest bread tastes good when it's warm

Source: my high school cafeteria

warm bread with butter. reblog if you Agree

[superpeanutgarden]

get out of my room get out of my room get out of my room.

Why do you think it's okay to go in my room WHILE I'M NOT EVEN HOME????? It's bad enough when you enter my space while I'm inhabiting it, but to violate my trust by going into my space without permission??? Without intending to ever tell me????

I don't care if you were concerned that the cat hadn't eaten. You could have texted me that and asked if it was okay, AND I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID YES!!!! It didnt have to be like this. It's so easy to respect people's boundaries, why are you apparently incapable of it???

I dont like the idea of locking my door to my room when I'm not at home, it's a fire hazard which prevents my cat from being rescued. But what am I supposed to do??

#mama trauma #goddammit #respect my boundaries #its not that hard #you dont know me #but i know you #I wish I could trust you to do right by me #But I can only trust that you'll hurt me

[superpeanutgarden]

Sex and Sexuality

Okay, so recently I realized that I am Aromantic/Asexual. Probably (put a pin in that). This is not surprising like at all. I had brushed up against this label several times in the past few years and only just now had enough evidence to fully put the pieces together. I'm 25. It feels a little weird to put my identity together all slowly and piecemeal, but I'm literally doing all of this for the first time ever. It's okay to take it slow

#aroace #aromantic #ace community #lgbtq #words words words #you dont know me #but i know you #love is weird

[superpeanutgarden]

I learned that one of my professors is literally two days younger than me today?? I thought he was at least a couple years older than me it's interesting. He looked to me for confirmation that the years between 20 and 25 hit you like a truck (they really do) and then I asked him how old he was and it turns out that yeah, his birthday is two days after mine.

(Its not ethical to ask a professor out, Superpeanut lets a crush simmer challenge: level impossible)(gonna just focus on being the cool older chick in class)(teach the younger queer kids about makeup and shit)

#crushposting #hot professor #Okay #Hes more cute than hot #But like #I havent seen most of my other crushes in months #Time for a new one I guess #I'll try to stave it off #At least until next semester