taertheislander

[taertheislander]

Sunday the 25th of February.

There is no context just because I don't have the energy to provide it.

Its so frustrating. I'm trying. Like genuinely, I listen carefully, think about the things she says, I respond. I take the initiative and try to be flirty. But she doesn't play ball.

I think the little little things are what kill me really. The hug is one of them. There's nothing in it. I think I know there's not much in it. I should just face it I think. I know humans are complicated. So I don't know where she is or what she's thinking. But I'm going to stop being SO forward.

[taertheislander]

31st December 2023

Haven't written here in a while, so I thought it would be best to end a bit of my year here.

A fair bit has happened since my last post.

My parents convinced me to do another year here, since I'm doing well and since how 2 years really isn't much in the grand scheme of things. It's... both joyous and difficult. But I think it's the right thing to do. When I go back, I'll be even more knowledgeable and qualified - so I suppose it's for the best.

We had quite a journey with love these past 5 weeks or so. We did our final show for the year based on my experiences in love, and how often reality differs from our childhood idea of love. The piece was... cathartic in one way and triggering as well. I also had my own version of the seasonal depression that I've been joking about (karma), and it was of course, about love.

I've come a long way with it. It's quite a walk to get back to a place where you're able to be truly vulnerable again. Understanding it and... doing it... aren't the same thing. But I've somehow found ways to make steps forward.

Crushing on a friend who is super hot and cold all the time hasn't been easy lol. Feels like my mood and opinions go up and down accordingly, but we've gotten better at dealing with that. And in a way, controlling our emotions.

I think for the new year, it would be great if I could start practicing self love. I think I'm getting to the starting line.

P.S. I have to start on my letter.

Ciao.

[taertheislander]

Ramblings, 26th November 2023

Something that has been plaguing me over the last month or so is the decision. Do I stay another year minimum in the UK? Or do I go back as planned? The UK has been a great experience so far. The possibility to work in a field I love full time is the unbelievable plus point available. Not to mention I get to further my relationships and network that I've developed here. But that also means struggling to meet ends meet (probably) and not really doing the kind of shows I want to (probably) and living in the god damn cold (surely). Back home is a nice option. Financial security being one. Although I have no idea what I'll end up doing as a job, the most obvious seems to be a drama teacher or a something like that. And the industry is obviously much worse, and more toxic back home. But I have friends, creative control. But there's also political instability and general chaos. lol. I think the UK is about possibility. Possibility in career and relationships. Where as home is about meaning? friendships, purpose, and I guess also comfort. I suppose it's also good to know that it's not a done deal if I decide to go back home, there's always the option of moving abroad somewhere sometime to do theatre now that I will have this qualification and experience under my belt. That is, if I don't want to feel trapped back home. I guess the rest of my life outside drama is also a factor. Sri Lanka is much richer in that regard because of my family and friends. But it's just going to take one relationship here to turn that upside down for me too. I think my ambition as a theatre artist is a bit ambiguous. I did it mindlessly to be good at shakes, like a drone. But now that the world has opened up a bit more, it's become a little harder to find myself in it. It feels empty to just do it to be good, and run from show to show in a professional environment. Rather than the story, I think to me, it's still mostly about the people, and I think those relationships and experiences are more prevalent back home. A sense of community, togetherness and warmth. I think I'm able to provide more back home, where as in the UK i'm mostly fending for myself. I think I know what I need to do. There is more meaning to be found back home. There's an abundance of it waiting to be discovered here for others already. I have a job to do. And it's going to be fun, meaningful, and we'll figure it out.

[taertheislander]

Ramble 25/11/2023

I guess I just needed to take some time and sort out some things in my head. So here we are. So, relationships. And where I am with them. I think the first one I had was very pure and dream like. Until things went wrong, and then I started becoming very avoidant and built walls to disassociate from the fact that things weren't the way I wanted them to be. I guess I expected them to be very... booky. Like things were supposed to be a certain way, and they really didn't meet my expectations for it as it went. It then turned into quite a confusing one for me. Always thinking that I just needed to put the work in, and that this is how relationships would always turn out so I just needed to learn to adapt. But I think I was also just afraid to end things, because what if I never found anything better? Eventually, it became apparent to me that we were just dragging things along. And I ended things. The second one was more tumultuous than the first, right from the get go. More fights, more fiery. I think after the last one, I almost considered it a good thing, because there was some feeling behind it, after feeling numb for so long. But, evidently, those things would be part of the reason that we would not work out. I think there was a point where I once again became apathetic towards it, not to mention that she was a mess and all over the place. and after some very uncomfortable moments, that's ended, and firmly in the rear view mirror. I think shortly after that relationship ended, I realized that I was still recovering from the trauma from my first relationship. I had never recovered back to who I was originally before the first one went wrong. I was open, caring, obsessed, worrying, vulnerable. And I think I'm still scared. It's easy knowing that you need to open up again, but your body remembers what you went through. It wants you to be careful, wants you to disassociate, because this is what we need for survival, this will help me to not get hurt again. I used to be romantic too... until I felt like it wasn't worth it? or maybe when things started to feel off. Should I try to go back to that? or did my body and mind change for a reason? or am I just being a coward and running? Am I self sabotaging opportunities to have good things. I think my true self... if that is where we should return to... is not who is operating the person that is me today. It's a more battle hardened veteren. But, If I ever want to return to that booky version of purity... I don't think I can be a battle hardened veteren. I think I need to be... myself. My pure self. I don't want to be afraid of love. I don't want to be afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to put pressure on myself that the next relationship has to be THE relationship, it doesn't have to have so much weight on it. I want to be capable of that booky love again. I want to be brave again. I want to be free, weightless, flow.

[taertheislander]

Pregnant [ BLANK ]

The second practical project was a 5 minute scene, which had to consist of 1-3 actors. I decided to do a 1 woman scene from [ BLANK ] called Pregnant. I was able to hone in more on what kind of prep I needed to do for the show, thanks to some things I learned from Bijan as well as things that I could trust myself to do. The rehearsals went great, my actor Tilly was fantastic. And the entire first day we just did table work, which consisted of Riffing and questions, the second day we played some exercises which we developed into the show. The third day consisted of just trying things out and seeing what we liked. The entire process was very easy, and enjoyable. Tilly was very collaborative and easy to work with, and I felt great doing the work. It felt very organic and the work formed itself. The show went great. For just 3 hours of rehearsal, it was looking pretty darn good. End of my first module at E15.

[taertheislander]

The Little Big Things

11th November 2023

Just finished our first practical project today. It was an interesting week. After the first rehearsal I was anxious and stressed, mainly because I didn't want my friends to think my work was shit. Because my scene wasn't very action heavy. And the scene required my actors to be playing at a high level. It also meant that I had to be prepared to work on a scene to its potential in 2 rehearsals, rather than having weeks and months to let it develop naturally with the actors. The second rehearsal went really well. I managed to bring it up to a good level and I felt that my actors were challenged to a good level too. The show went good too. Little things were missed but it happens, especially with young actors. I think something that I was able to re connect with was my love for working with young actors. I really find that a lot of my fulfillment of the craft comes through that ability to make an impact on them, and sharing that love and appreciation. My goal was never to make the biggest shows out there. And my goal should never be to get the approval of others, even if they are my friends, I need to think about my own happiness and how far I've come in my journey. I shouldn't give my power away to others. And capped the week off tonight by watching the Little Big Things written by Joe White. It's given me food for thought to think about my own life changing injury... and how I should view it. I think I'll hopefully find the peace and time to do that soon :)

[taertheislander]

Thursday 19th of October

What a week. Today I had my 2nd workshop and I really wanted to explore the rehearsal as me setting up a playground for my actors and encouraging them to be free inside it. And what a success. Everyone was so kind to me afterwards and said such lovely things. Alana also acted magnificently as Johnny. And everyone else did great as well. One of those days where I truly feel like I do deserve to be here and I am a director. Such a wonderful day and again its just so nice to hear such lovely things.

It's also been a great week artistically overall with my workshop and then 2 days of nonstop acting. Which was unbelievably fun in its own right, and incredibly confidence building in that department too. Acting really helped me understand how important it is to be let free in a structure. Which is why I call it creating a playground.

East 15 manages to create such a lovely energy in its ensemble mish mash of directors of all different backgrounds, and am really able to see why they do it. What a beautiful place for artists.

Grateful ♡

[taertheislander]

17th October 2023

Today was a day of acting for me! I was cast as Husband in Kazue's Stoning Mary and A in Hao's [ BLANK ].

It's always really fun to act. I get a bit nervous but in the moment I really enjoy getting into the piece. Kazue gave me a huge compliment and came upto me and said I'm a very good actor, which was really lovely to hear. Hao was also really happy with my performance and really gave me the space to move around and try things. And gave more and more suggestions which was really helpful. He was very nice and said I'm a very good actor and that I was gliding across stage, Haoran who was watching cried at my performance and came upto me and said I'm really good too. And said that my eyes bring alot of life and emotion. Which was another huge compliment and confidence booster.

I felt I don't do as well in the actual performance but I'll take it as a learning experience. It's easy to get caught up in the moment of the performance; so I'll need to learn to shut that out. But overall another great day at E15. This place is so lovely.

[taertheislander]

16th October 2023

Today was the first day of actually directing on the course. And I was up first alongside Cam. I was a bit nervous but once I got into doing the pre production work - i felt better. And in the end I decided to just trust myself and the process and didn't stress about it too much. So I was able to flow into the day in a good state.

It actually went really well. I really wanted to get an idea of how people work here and my own process. And I feel like I was able to get a really good sense of that. Jen and Ser dod a great job and Jen said some really lovely things which encouraged me too. Our Tutor was really complimentary and happy with me as well. Which was very motivating, and I feel so ready to crush it on Thursday at my next workshop.

[taertheislander]

Adventure day at E15

It's been about 5 days since I met the other directors on the course. We honestly haven't had too much to do until now either. But it feels like we've all known each other for much longer. It's a very international heavy course, and maybe that's why. We've all had our own struggles and journeys to get here, and as artists who've loved and committed to their craft to this extent, we all understand each other. Today was a day of stimulation and performance. It felt so great to do something stimulating and creative, and being able to create a small piece of art on the fly, and performing. It gave me so much confidence that I'm ready, I think I knew I was already. But this was the little warm up and check that I needed to know, I'm ready. I'm itching to get started, we all are. Some of us went to watch the Father and The Assassin at the National right after, and it was phenomenal. Just being at the place which I've dreamt about, learned about, heard about, studied about, and me, physically being there, was just so surreal, it was an out of body moment almost. I felt like such a giddy excited kid. Hiran was phenomenal. And as another Sri Lankan, it really was inspiring. And some of the themes and feelings were surprisingly relatable, and emotional. I'm really going to miss it when it's over, so I think now that it's barely begun, I gotta enjoy it. The one year of British theatre in my life has begun. Let's see where this takes me on my own journey. Grateful.

#life #theatre #art #artists on tumblr #connection #digital journal #journal #digital diary #diary entry #diary

[taertheislander]

Artistic Discovery - Tapping into the stream

2023/09/25, a little after 1:00pm

Being able to feel the streams of energy swirling around you, and for a moment it's a place of true connection. Is it happiness? Fulfillment? Alignment?

Being able to tap into such an artistic space and experience gives me confidence. I can't wait. I've been waiting so long for this. I can't wait. I want to create more art. I know I'm going to create some magical art. I'm going to walk far down this road.

As I unpack this. My mind went to a few things.

1. Finding ways to reconnect back to this space.

2. Being able to use this space in my creations.

3. Being able to make this my default artistic state without having to "switch".

And I guess most importantly for me.

4. Having confidence in myself at all times knowing that this is within me. I only need to be relaxed, be confident and let it out.

#art #artists on tumblr #feelings #emotions #ramblings #connection

[taertheislander]

Artistic Discovery - The whirling streams

2023/09/25, 1:00pm

It feels so melancholic but also so energising.

Listening to a piano track that makes me feel nostalgic, and when the feelings are going, it feels like I'm tapped into a pool to best be an artist. I want to create art, so badly. I want to be making something. My course starts in a week, and thats just the orientation week - but man am I feeling so connected. I'm nervous of course, all the usual self doubt and company are here in my mind, but its hard for them to really stake their claim when there's so much colourful light radiating around them, swallowing them whole.

Being able to live in this mental space, feeling connected with such a powerful stream of feeling everyday as an artist - would be exhausting and also exhilarating.

This is a feeling I want to be in all the time. Its hard to imagine being this tapped in at times, but I think I also need to get myself into the mood to access the right stream of feelings depending on what I'm working on.

Music has brought me here right now, and is something I hope I can use to bring me back here and to other streams in the future. I know I'll be able to create art that makes me feel happy and radiated.

Being able to live feeling this aligned would be such a dream. What beauty, power and peace.

Iridescent.

Golden Hour (Piano Cover) - Daniela Mlcuchova

#artists on tumblr #art #creative inspiration #creativity #feelings #connection #happiness #emotions #ramblings

[taertheislander]

Is it love or is it longing?

10:07pm, 23rd of September, 2023 -> 12:17am, 24th of September, 2023 restart after call with friend going through a rough patch. I'm 26, almost 27. How do I still not know how to identify whether I actually have a crush on someone or am I just looking to fulfill a desire. Is it love or is it longing?

Today was a good day, despite still being sick, I'm feeling better. I was locked in my room because my handle broke and my land lady had to bust me out and then get a locksmith to redo the handle. But! Then I managed to make myself some couscous and black dahl and I kid you not the pure joy of being able to make and eat something I truly like was a feeling of... hey we can do this. These next few months won't be as bad, it doesn't have to be us grinding it out. I'm definitely buying more stuff to make tomorrow when I do my grocery run. I also managed to do my laundry! figuring out the washing machine, putting the clothes out to dry on a beautiful day, and then getting them back in, WHILE ALSO managing to do my first shave in the UK. Felt like I managed to do a lot of things I was anxious about getting to. It's a good day.

But man - I don't know. I think the love or longing thing is difficult because... why do I like her so much? I'm pretty sure she's not even straight. She probably doesn't even think of me in that way. It's not like sparks fly or anything, it's just... She's really cool, and I enjoy talking to her? I just like being around her. Why does my brain automatically just go to hey let's develop a crush? or something. DO I ACTUALLY LIKE HER OR IS IT JUST MY BRAIN and my true self just being like this is what you long for so let's look for it in every potential place. AND if I do actually like her, then this is some real trauma shit that's making me look for every reason under the sun before I do anything. Hopefully she can send me a signal or throw me a bone because I am not going to... (probably)... do anything.

[taertheislander]

A couple of days in to the UK

7.44am, 22nd of September, 2023 Managed to get quite a bit accomplished in the first two days, walked about and got familiarized with a bunch of stuff. Which helped. I went and watched Harry Potter and The Cursed Child the day before which was amazing, and went with a friend from back home so that helped me feel less alone. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I've caught something. Been having a nonstop cold + phlegm + sore throat + a bit feverish so I just took yesterday of, and will probably chill today too. So I'm looking forward to recovering and then getting back to getting a good handle on everything.

Had a couple of video calls with several of my friends, which was nice. and now I'm just on some meds that I brought from home and waiting to recover to a decent amount. Eventually, my BRP should come and I can get to opening a bank account and registering with a GP and registering with a gym and all that good stuff. So just have to be a little patient with myself I think. I'm more optimistic and confident, regardless of being sick now. I can do this.

[taertheislander]

First night in UK

1.18am. 19th September 2023

What can I say? I miss home a little bit. I miss my house, I miss my friends, I miss... yeah. I think I'm also just exhausted. It was a very VERY long flight. It was a 5-hour flight to Doha and then another 7 hours to London from there. All that coupled with layovers and travel to and from, it's almost been 20 hours of traveling. I think with more days, and more things under my belt. I will feel better... but man. I miss them. I miss my BB-ville. I think i am genuinely excited for this experience, but I think I'm also allowed to feel sad for loss of familiarity and the people I've spent so much time with. I hope to have a nice dipa night tonight, and then get ready to start getting my life together tomorrow. Here we go. We got ourselves here, and we are privileged to be here. Now we turn ourselves into adults and make the most of it.

#life #mental health #love #theatre #travel #university #digital journal #journal #digital diary #diary entry #diary

[taertheislander]

Kids

Sunday, 10th of September 2023, 12:08am

My opinion on having kids has gone something like this.

When I was young, I never really thought about it or cared for it.

When I was dating my first girlfriend, I realized I didn't want children or a family, probably because of my own trauma with that relationship, and I convinced myself that I didn't want them.

When I was dating my second girlfriend, it was more of the same. During this time was an economic crisis and I thought to myself definitely not, I'm barely going to earn enough to take care of myself doing theatre here, let alone another tiny person.

Once I was single again, I thought maybe, maybe if I meet the right person, then I would want to do it.

Tonight - I watched my mom's choir perform. There was this teeny girl in the front row who was singing and there was just this one moment where they changed conductors and a older man came on, who could easily have been her grandfather, and she does the cutest look in the world where she acts like she's going to really focus and try hard now, she tucks her chin down and her eyes look straight up at the old man with a sparkle, with a hint of an excited smile.

And the next 5 seconds in my head went something like this.

- Having a kid would actually be really nice, and then I imagined how good of a dad I would be, and now that I'm getting my financial situation sorted and giving it attention that I don't have to worry about it. Then I imagined directing schools and how that might be a problem if she's (the daughter I'm going to have) at the school I'm directing because then if she likes drama and wants to act - which she might because I'm going to be a bomb dad and she might want to do the things I love too, then people might think there's a ton of nepotism if she gets cast. And then, how she would have to deal with that and at the same time how heart breaking it would also be actually to not cast her and how I would give her the talk of how it's the wand that chooses the wizard because it's the role that chooses the actor and hope to give her some tools to cope with things like that in life. And then I imagined her growing up into her rebellious teenage phase, and then into her phase where she's a young adult and going through the things I'm going through now and how proud I'll be and how much love and support I'll give her no matter what and how fulfilling I'll feel watching it all happen. And, then I had a moment of wow where did this hardcore paternal feeling come from. And, I think I now want to be a dad one day.

And that was my day dream at a church today.

I think it's another feeling that I was hiding from using drama, I always told myself that I can get my feeling of having a kid through directing schools, and I think that was probably some coping mechanism for my trauma at the time, but I think I know who I am better now. So, great. I want a kid now, ideally a baby girl, like the little sister I never had. All that's left to do is find the girl I'm going to go through that day dream with. no biggie.

#srilanka #life #children #love #dear diary #diary entry #diary #journal #online journal #digital diary #digital journal #journal entry

[taertheislander]

To Me, The One Who Loved You & To Every You I've Loved Before I had no idea that these two movies would end up provoking so many thoughts that I had floating about for these last few months. About life, meaning, and love. God damnit. Now I want to punch through a wall and scream into a pillow. What an underrated pair of movies. How does Anime manage to do this time and time again, the story telling is just urgh. I want to die and I want to live fuck. God damn it. Okay URGH. SO GOOD.

#anime #anime movie #life #love #meaning #life purpose #srilanka